#slr!! i fell asleep last night….. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fredsdiary · 6 years

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Fri4thJan

Let's start with Thursday night after the last post.

I got back upstairs and started eating basically anything edible and I don't know why, probably because I didn't eat much at dinner.

Meanwhile my dad was playing Mario Odissey and me and my sister were watching, after a while I fell asleep on the couch and went to bed.

I woke up at 9:00 am, played an hour with the switch and had breakfast around 10:00 am. I formatted my laptop, it was giving me some problems, and installed Ubuntu instead of Windows (I sometimes give up on it and re-try Linux just to give up on that too). After that I got ready and went to L's house for lunch, I helped her set the table. After lunch we decided to go to her room to watch Star Wars Episode IV because she have never seen it but couldn't copy the file from my phone so, we watched a couple of videos on YouTube and then we started cuddling and we went on for like 20 minutes then she had to take some medicine and then smoked a cigarette. After all of that we cuddled for an hour or an hour and half, we were thinking about doing "it" but we were kinda scared about the possibility of her grandma walking into the room. I felt like I was dying after every bite, scratch or after every time she kissed my neck or stuff like that. I was so into it but I knew the timing was wrong and mostly kept it cool.

I also took a picture of her shirtless from behind, I had to use my phone because I didn't have my DLSR with me and for my SLR was too dark (iso 200 film is not great for indoor shots) and even if it's not a perfect shot I really love it and I wish I could post but she explicitly asked me to keep it just for me and not share it on any social media, and I'm going to respect her decision because I respect her.

Around 5:00pm her mom came home, we were still cuddling but we heard her and, since we became super good at being stealthy, turn on the lights and acted like nothing happened.

Roughly at 6:00pm my grandpa came to pick me up and when I got home I smoked a cig and had a shower.

Before the shower I was reading some of the texts with one of my exes (the bad ones, the one that hurted the most) and started feeling nostalgic and not so great, mostly not so great because I remembered how bad about myself she made me feel and in general how bad we treated each other and there's not a day where I think that I miss that fucking girl.

Around 7:30 pm my mom (that doesn't live with us) came home and we had dinner. After dinner my sister finished Mario Odissey and I got to play a couple hours. Now it's 1:10am and we're watching Black Mirror Bandersnatch but I think I'll go smoke a cigarette and then to bed because today it's my sister's birthday and we have to clean the house since most of our relatives are coming here.

Well, today I mostly (like 90 to 95%) felt great and I'm so happy about it. I never feel good in this time of year.

I can't wait to see her tomorrow, or should I say today? Well I really wanna see her, hug her and maybe finally convince her to watch Star Wars lol.

#diary #journal #self love #her #girlfriend #daily #my day #love #happiness #depression #feelingbetter #smiling

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purplesurveys · 7 years

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138

Which of your 5 senses would you give up? Like, none of them. It’s very fortunate that I have them all in the first place. One word that doesn't describe you: Extroverted. Would you ever consider becoming a nun? Fuck no. I grew up in Catholic school and we had to visit the nuns’s convent for adoration every once in a while - you do you, but it sucks thinking about the monotony of the place. It’s so quiet, and if you’re not eating, you’re praying. Not the life for me. What do you miss most about your childhood? Actually playing outside. I didn’t have much of a childhood, but I did get to do that. What do the majority of people think of you? You’ll have to ask them, but my hunch is that I’m nice but can be mysterious since I don’t let many people in. I know most think I’m quiet though - that’s not very hard to take away from me.

Have you ever washed your phone when doing laundry? Nope, but it’s happened to bills and coins. Do you like your first name? I hated it for the longest time since I was bullied for it, but idk, I’ve been coming to terms with it recently. What makes you laugh? A lot. I’m not difficult to please. Do you ever keep arguing when you know you're wrong? I normally avoid confrontation to begin with, so this doesn’t happen a lot. I’ve only ever fought seriously with my girlfriend, but it’s different every time. Sometimes I’ll argue back despite being wrong; but there are days that I’d drop it and apologize. What is something you find yourself saying a lot? “Sorry”

Your Internet service goes down. What would you miss the most? YouTube :( If you suddenly turned into a dog or cat, how would you prove you're human? Hahahaha what. Er maybe do stuff dogs wouldn’t think of doing that would be noticeable? Maybe point directions? Play the PS4? I dunno, you got me on this one. Would you like to know the precise date of your future death? Yeah, so I don’t have to be taken by surprise with it. To me at least it would be a relief to know how long I still have. Do you believe in forever, as in 'love forever'? Sure, I give it a chance. Do you photograph well? Sadly no. I was into photography seven years ago and got an SLR to start my new hobby, but realized I wasn’t good at it despite trying. The talent belongs to my sister, who mostly uses the camera now and is the one who ended up in the arts field. Is joy more stressful than stress is joyful? Sure. When I feel happy I’m always anticipating something to go horribly wrong, so even in my happiness I do feel a sense of dread always, yes. What is your favorite flavor of coffee? I always get a caramel macchiato if I ever drink coffee, which I rarely rarely ever do these days. What non-obvious website should everyone check out? https://littlealchemy.com/. Do it, play it now. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? Cockroaches. When was the last time you were up all night? Last May. I had a major report for my Journ class that my group mates decided to work on the night before, much to my disappointment. I procrastinate a lot, but I’m not that stupid. if you could have one thing right now what would it be? More time home. I don’t want to be back in school :( What do you put on your French fries? I sprinkle it with salt then prefer to dip it in mayonnaise. Have you ever been to the state of Washington? No. At what age did you feel you were an adult? I still don’t feel like one lol. What's your biggest 'first world' problem? Egh, I try not to do those. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word fun? The FUN song from Spongebob. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy? More work that I do like. I hate being lethargic. Are you a hug or handshake person? Neither. In the Philippines we do beso, which is basically a cheek to cheek kiss. You can do it with people you are at least acquaintances with, and that’s my preferred mode of greeting. Have you ever received a swag bag? I don’t think I’d want to receive something called that. What holiday don't you like? Christmas makes me feel the loneliest. Do you speak any other languages? Yes, Filipino. How often do you wear jewelry? I have a piece of jewelry I wear everyday, but generally I’m not a big wearer of it since 1) I find it too flashy, and 2) I walk the streets of the Philippines, where it can be snatched in no time. I wear my fancy necklaces and bracelets out only when necessary, i.e. in parties. Do you think you are a hypochondriac? No. What age were you when you learned how to swim? 5. I was that age when my parents took me to bigger swimming pools. Can you whistle properly? Sure can. What brand of batteries do you usually get? I’ve never had to buy batteries on my own. What will instantly make your day? Learning I have a free-cut class. What super power would you refuse, if it was offered to you, and why? Strength. I don’t have much use for it. What's a small thing you take a stupid amount of pleasure in? When I’d see a dog in public and I’d start talking to it and the owners smile at me. Some people can be snobs so it feels nice when the owners themselves are friendly towards me. What's your favorite discontinued product that you wish would come back? Oreo goddamn O’s. If adults had show and tell, what would you bring into work? Show and tell isn’t a concept here so idk how that works. Do I bring something I like? In that case I’d bring my dog. Do you have a particular number that you see all the time? Sure. Whenever I look at the clock it always happens to be 4:21, which is my birthday. What are some things that are cheap, but bring you a lot of satisfaction? EVERYTHING CHEAP. My family isn’t very well off so I’m actually quite uncomfortable when dealing with pricey things. I’d rather hang out with street food, areas like Tondo in Manila, that kind of stuff. If you had a reset button for the last 10 years, would you press it? As much as I’d want to, no. It is what it is and it would be disrespectful to modify them in any way, especially having survived an awful childhood. Have you ever fired anyone? No, not in a work environment. I’ve cut off people from my life though, if we’re talking figuratively. City or nature person? City. Nature is nice once in a while but I can’t permanently live in it. Who is someone you would never swear in front of? My grandparents. Have you ever won a contest or competition? Sure, minor ones. Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? The couch in our living room. How many social media sites are you registered with? Four, but I’ve been off social media for two weeks and only use one of them for now - obviously Tumblr. Would you rather go to Canada or California on vacation? Canada. Would you be surprised if Facebook started charging? No, but then again I wouldn’t be bothered because I don’t use Facebook. Do you sleep with the bedroom door open or closed? CLOSED. When have you felt most free? Probably when I got out of my mother. I’ve felt captured ever since. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Neither. I’d rather be looking at pictures...for one I’m terrible at finding the perfect angles, and I’m also awkward at doing poses and stances. I’d rather be the viewer and appreciate the photograph. Have you ever caught a fish? I’ve never even gone fishing before. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m. Who do you want it to be? Absolutely nobody. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? No, but my brother did that to himself with a nut when he was 3. Fun times. Which shoe do you put on first? Whatever happens to be closer to either of my feet. How many rings before you answer the phone? Depends. If I’m expecting something then obviously I’d pick it up right away. Other times I let it ring 4, 5 times. Would you ever consider living abroad? I am planning to live abroad. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? Never. Those are super annoying in the Philippines - there are so many of them they almost feel like flies on the road. So never never jumping on that bandwagon. Do you like to dance? Never. When shopping for clothes, what most influences your buying choices? Just whatever I think would look nice on me. Brand is also somehow important too I guess. Who is your favorite TV character? Maggie Greene from The Walking Dead and Gus Fring from Breaking Bad.

#survey #surveys

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hey-taqy-blog · 7 years

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LIFE AFTER YOU (A Short Story by Me)

It was cold Saturday night and I fell asleep —again, on the couch. I was reading a novel while listening on Ed Sheeran “The A Team” when I fell asleep in the afternoon. The calendar said it was April, but I thought, winter wasn’t done yet. Most people would prefer to go back to sleep, wrapping their body tightly with a blanket as the temperature was unexpectedly freezing cold tonight. But it didn’t happen to me.

I closed my eyes, trying to get more sleep when suddenly I felt it all coming back to me.

I dreamt about him again. The same dream, over and over again. I couldn’t think straight as the memory began to move in reverse, slowly stepping backward. I wondered, perhaps, those memories are just a surreal images created by my mind. But deep down I knew, it was my trauma that collided with my unconscious mind.

I washed my face, hoping that I could also washed away all those bad dreams that haunted me lately, though I couldn’t. I felt trapped. The thought that I was the reason of his nonexistence consumed my whole body and mind.

Daniel was dead, El. Two months ago. Because of you.

I just realized, without him, my life was just a depressing reality. It was just bland, uncolored and sorrowful. I kept thinking about how much I bitterly regretted all the things that happened that day. I cried a lot. Mostly, I cried myself to sleep.

“You’re such a cry baby,” he said while wiping my tears.

He always knew that I was kind of sensitive woman who will cry over small things. However these days, I couldn’t cry anymore. The tears that I used to shed at night seemed to have reached its limit as now only invisible ones seemed to symbolize my anguish. One day, I thought it was enough. I should stopped blaming myself for the unintended consequences of my childish action. We live in a world of mortality anyway.

But then the reality always hit me.

If I had never started that silly argument, he would still be alive.

The regrets always made me think of ‘what if’ questions that I knew, they could never be answered.

What if I’d never met him?

What if I’d never love him?

What if he’d never love me the way he did?

What if I could turn back time?

I whispered to the empty air, “I miss him. I really do. I miss his laugh, his jokes, his undeniably charm. I miss his presence till it hurts. No one can replace him. No one can make me laugh as he did. No one can understand me as he did. No one like him…”

For the first time in my life, I felt so suffocated. I kept thinking about how much I love him. From the start did I know, when I first met him coincidently at Claudette—a French restaurant in 24 Fifth Avenue— one year ago, that he was actually the person I should not fallen into. But my heart was out of control back then. I’ve came to a realization that he was so irresistible. Something in the way he listened to my story, to my dream, or even to my superficial problem made me think he valued me. The way he looked deep into my eyes as if he was telling me that I am the most beautiful girl in this world.

“You’re different from any other guys that I’ve ever met before.”

I always liked the way he talked with his sharp mind. The way he talked about his passionate dream with honesty. His way of speaking was fresh, straight forward, and as it is. At first, I tried to deny that it was nothing more than just a simple attraction of a stranger that coincidently become friend. But then again, my heart was in a situation that I couldn’t explain. The chemistry that I had already sensed between us finally turned into something more. In the end, I knew, I fell in love to a person I shouldn’t.

I still remembered how our first meeting happened. It was one rainy night at the beginning of April. I was alone standing outside Claudette, waiting for the rain to stop because I didn’t bring my umbrella. At first, I thought I would take a cab but I just realized, I didn’t have any money left in my wallet. So I thought I would walk to my apartment instead.

To my bad luck, the rain didn’t stop even after I waited for half an hour. I started to feel tired of waiting. I was thinking of running through the rain when I caught someone came to my direction and unexpectedly offered an umbrella in his hands, a yellow-bright umbrella.

“Huh?” I asked him in a confusing tone.

“Here, take this umbrella. I think you need it more than I do.” He offered me again his umbrella. He seemed persistent.

“O-okay…ehm but what about you? Do you bring your car or something?”

“No. I leave my car in my office. But it’s not a problem, though. I can just walk through the rain. It’s not like I will get sick right away just because I get soaked in the rain” He showed his playful smile and I laughed.

“Okay, then. Thanks for offering me this umbrella” I smiled at him.

“My pleasure,” he said while tightening his brown coat. He was just about to run through the rain when I remembered something.

“Hey, what’s your name? And how can I give back your umbrella?” I asked, almost shouted.

He was already in the rain. “My name’s Daniel. Daniel O’Brien. Just meet me in this restaurant tomorrow at 7 pm. Is that okay?”

“Yes” I nodded my head. He smiled and the next thing I knew, he was already disappeared in the rain.

After our coincident meeting, we became closer. We often hung out together just to talk about our stressed day, our life, or just anything that came to our mind in that moment. He always took me to places I have never been before. He took me to the vintage stores, museums, art gallery, beaches —he took me to wonderful places. I just came to know that he was a photographer. He said he was majored in laws but photography took his interest more than his major. On the one hand, something that always took my interest more than anything else was the way he smiled. He smiled not only through his lips but also through his eyes. He said people called it as an eye-smile. A smile that always captured my heart since our first meeting.

However, now, his smile felt so devastating whenever I remembered it. Not only his smile, but actually everything became so devastating.

Sometimes, I saw his appearance right before my eyes. I couldn’t tell if it was my illusion or he was really there, alone, a bit wet because of the rain and shivering. It was hard to distinguish between illusion and reality. I just thought that after I lost him, I also lost half of my consciousness.

“Someone, please tell me, what should I do to redeem these painful feelings?”

Then the idea came.

I impulsively took a cab and went to Claudette where I knew, still flourished with our sweet memories that we spent there. I didn’t know why, I just felt like I should go there because the place held our memories on our first and last meeting. And I thought, after two months of mourning, I needed to make things clear. Maybe, there is a way to take all these pains and regrets from my heart. Maybe, just maybe.

As I arrived at Claudette, I realized that the neon lamps were still there like they never witnessed the awful thing that happened right in front of them two months ago. I searched desperately for someone who was always haunting my dream. And there he was, sitting in one of the outdoor table, our favorite table, eating bouillabaisse while checking pictures on his SLR camera. I walked to where he was and sitting in front of him. As surprised as I might be, his presence vanished into dust. Well, the illusion got my consciousness again.

I glanced at my watch. It was 10 pm and the place was almost empty. Only few people were there. A young man was having his cup of coffee, a couple of teenage love birds were chatting with each other and some sleepy staffs were trying their best to clean up with the last bit of their energy.

I didn’t know what happened to me, but suddenly, I started to cry so loud that everyone was looking at me.

Two months ago, two days before it all happened, Daniel asked me to go to Claudette. He said he had something important to tell me. On the way to Claudette, my phone beeped. I unlocked the phone and there was a message from an unknown number.

“You still think that Daniel loves you that much, huh? Well, I think you’re wrong.”

‘What does this person means?’ was all I thought after I read that message. Not long after that, another messages arrived. There were photos of Daniel and a woman in a black-sexy dress. The woman was embracing Daniel’s arms and they both were smiled to each other. The most surprising picture was when they both were in a jewelry shop and the woman was holding a small ring in her finger.

As I arrived at Claudette and sit in our favorite table, I kept digest those messages. Who is that woman? Why they were in a jewelry shop? What is it all about? I confused. My mind kept wandering to somewhere else and I didn’t realize that Daniel was already sitting in front of me.

“Hey, what are you thinking? You seem dazed and you look pale. Are you alright?” Daniel asked, disrupting my thoughts.

“I don’t know. Everything is so confusing,” I said while massaging my head.

“What happens El?”

“It’s not about me, but you, Dan. Someone said, you have another woman beside me. I thought it is just a rumor but it turns out to be true”

“What a nonsense, Elena Joyce! What are you talking about? I don’t understand at all”

I laughed ironically. Finally, I showed him the pictures of him and that woman.

“What are these? I mean, yes, these pictures are real. A-and, you—you know, she is my childhood best friend. She wants me to accompany her because she is heartbroken and depressed. Yes, I used to date her in high school but we broke up because…”

“Enough, Daniel. I don’t want to hear it anymore.” I kept massaging my head as it became heavier than before. “Dan, you don’t even know how desperate I am these days. I lost my job. My parents call me this morning and said that they want to do a divorce. I called you so many times yesterday but you don’t even picked up my calls. I think I finally understand the reason. Well, Dan, I think I should go.” I got up from my position and walked in a speed to cross the street. Tears were streaming down my face. I just couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“El, wait! I am sorry, okay? I know I am a jerk but I am sure it is just a misunderstanding”

And somehow, I thought that he was telling the truth. However, it was so hard to pretend that everything was alright when the reality was not.

“Watch out, El,” shouted Daniel.

I didn’t remember perfectly what happened after Daniel said those three words. Everything was blurry. What I remember was I woke up in a hospital, searching for Daniel’s presence when the nurse informed me that Daniel was gone. He died after suffering cerebral hemorrhage.

Later, I found the truth behind his death. The police officer told me that I almost get hit by a car right before someone pushed me away to the side of the street. Someone who pushed me was none other than Daniel, my beloved boyfriend.

I collapsed on the cold floor of hospital. I couldn’t accept the reality. And to make it worse, another nurse approached me, giving me a black velvet ring box and a piece of crumpled paper. I opened the paper and there was Daniel’s neat handwriting which said:

El, you’re the person that I’ve been searching for in my whole life. You’re a dream coming true to me. I am very grateful to have you in my life. Let’s just recklessly fall in love with each other until the world tears us apart. So, El, will you marry me?

“I am sorry…” my tears wouldn’t stop. “I was so stupid that day. I should have listen to your explanation. I should have never leave you. I’m regretting all those childish action I made. I am so sorry, Daniel…” People kept staring at me, but I didn’t care anymore.

I knew, I couldn’t take back all the things that already happened, but I also couldn’t live like this. The thought that it would be better to disappear from this world got the best of me. “Yes, maybe, die is the only way to forget all of my pains and regrets” I smiled to myself. I found the best solution for my problem and I was beyond happy.

As I was about to go up from my position, the rain poured down heavily. “Oh, God, why now?”

I cursed the weather for disrupt my plan. But then I thought, “I will die today. So, why should I care if I got soaked in the rain? Ah, I am so stupid.”

I forced a smile, “Okay, I will do it now.”

I got up from my position. But when I was about to do my plan, something disrupt me again. Someone, actually, as that person held my hand tightly. I turned my face to see the person who disrupt my plan. I found out that he was a man in his early twenties, quite eccentric, I thought, as he was wearing a white bomber jacket and a red-black headband in his head. Ah, he was a man that I saw was having a cup a coffee by himself.

“What are you doing? Don’t go out in the rain,” he said.

I blinked, “Huh?”

He stared at me. “If you want to go through the rain, use this umbrella,” he offered his black umbrella to me. “I think you need it more than I do. It will be better though than getting soaked in the middle of the night.”

I was still frozen in my place. I was speechless actually. Why he should bother if I get soaked or not. It’s my life, not his. “Uh, I don’t think I need your umbrella. But, thank you.”

He laughed heartily. “Why? Don’t tell me you want to run through the rain, cross that street, and wait until one of the cars hit you. I don’t think that idea is funny though. So, just use this umbrella and return home safely,” he offered his umbrella again.

I rolled my eyes. “Who is this mysterious guy, by the way? How does he know my plan? Is he a fortune-teller or what?”

“Okay.” I hesitated before finally accepting the umbrella from his hands. “Thank you for your kindness and consideration.”

He responded my statement with his smirk. Well, it seemed like I had to postpone my plan. Thanks to this Mr. Weird, I lost the desire to end up my life. So, I would just going home and sleep and hope that I wouldn’t see him again neither tomorrow nor in the future.

I opened his black umbrella when he suddenly clasped his hands.

“Oh, by the way, please return my umbrella tomorrow. This umbrella is my favorite, so I just lend it to you until tomorrow. We can meet up here, in Claudette at 7 pm. Is that okay? Oh, and my name’s Victor. Victor Von Schwind. But just call me V. Alright, see you tomorrow!”

I nodded hesitantly. “Uh, okay. See you tomorrow, V!”

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