#so I hope I’m just overly critical of myself and that this fic is actually alright

[wispscribbles]

When I finish my ghoap Christmas oneshot that I started way back in start December, and have been struggling with since, then it’s over for you fools 🎅

[ambrossart]

Hi lovely. I read that you’re still unsatisfied with the intimate scenes in the second part of the epilogue, but I want you to know that it’s some of the best I’ve ever read. The awkwardness is so realistic, and the emotion really shines through. (WHEN HE SAYS HE MISSED HER BEFORE KISSING HER. OH MY GOD.) And the newness of the experience for both of the characters is so endearing, and it’s perfectly balanced with the sudden spikes of boldness from both of them, too. (Speaking of, when Eddie made her say “Please.” I actually dropped my fucking phone.)

Not to ramble, but the conversations throughout the intimate moments were also incredible and really grounded the whole scene.

I know I sound like a broken record, but this series has seriously given me so much comfort (even though it made my heart beat so fast that I had to pace around my room, which I also loved). Thank you so so so much for this story. It’s made a little home in my head that serves as a respite throughout my days.

I can’t wait to read The Morning After and any other works you put out. And belated congrats on your recent move!! 💓💓💓

You know... I dunno, maybe I'm just being overly critical of myself. Those scenes are just so emotionally charged. This is such an important moment for both of them. Even without the physical part, just having her in his house is a huge deal. That’s why I love how, while he’s initially kissing her on his bed, she’s trying to look around his room and take everything in (I swear, just being in his room is probably enough to get her going 😂). It’s a very special moment and I’m not sure if I captured it well enough, but I did the best I could.

Of course, that’s not to say I’m unsatisfied with all of it. There are parts that I really like, like when she feels insecure about Eddie’s past sexual experiences and he pokes fun at himself to make her feel better. He’s just so precious. 🥺

And speaking of that “I really missed you” line, that sequence is one of my favorite parts of the entire epilogue. It was such a struggle for them to overcome their emotional hurdles. These idiots put themselves through hell and they finally made it through to the other side, and now they get to just relax and enjoy being together.

Some of the earlier high school fics are going to highlight just how bad it was before. There wasn’t a bunch of cute, flirty banter or bickering. No obvious sexual tension. It was just… a wall of ice, broken up by rare glimpses of how things used to be (not enough to give him hope, but just enough to torture him). And there are periods early on where Eddie tries to get through to her, and it just blows up in his face, and he eventually stops trying. Now he has to accept the loss of not just a potential love interest but also a really good friend.

So, yes, this poor boy really means it when he says he missed her. 😭

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! Your comments always make my day ❤️

[infuriatedleprechaun]

OSTRACIZED

So, I’ve been working on this fic for a solid amount of time, been really getting into writing it and it’s the smoothest going fanfic I’ve started. It’s a lot of fun to write, I hope it’ll be fun for you guys to read. 

There are warnings though: this is going to be a darker fanfic, darker humor, tones, just though and through. Some may find it offensive, will put necessary warnings in front of chapter when it needs it. So just keep that in mind when you’re reading. If I offend, I apologize in advanced. 

a little bit of LGBTQ+ tones, if that isn’t your thing, no worries might not be for you. In turn, I’m exploring a TON here. Whether about myself, about my writing/style, Whether I can actually write the boys out (honestly? My first time.) 

first story I’ve posted on here, have had tumblr for a while, finally actually getting into it. Lots of firsts. I hope I can live up to some of the great fanfics on here! first chapter is 5000 words. I’ll break it up to not get overwhelming.

likes, comments/constructive criticism I love. If you got it, lemme have it! I want to get better. Thanks friends! enjoy!

Haunted

My name is Abbigail, I was living as a homeless person in the city of New York, it wasn't the best life, but my life took a turn when I was kidnapped by a lab called TCRI.

I was rescued by our turtle friends, from what I was told from Donnie, I was in that lab for around 3 years, I don't remember a freaking thing that went on in the lab. Upon being rescued by the boys, they brought me back to their cozy home in the sewers, where I do everything I can to repay them.

and while it isn't much, I clean, cook, and take care of them when they're sick or injured as well (or rather, I help Don take care of them.) when I wasn’t getting too tired that is, the experiments apparently put a new draw of energy on me.  

Anyway, by this time I had a routine down, cleaning all their rooms (cautiously) thankfully the "teenage" in teenage mutant ninja turtles was finished. They were into their mid 20s like me, making it less scary to go into their rooms to clean and pick up.

So, I always started to Donnie and Mike's rooms, because they tended to be a little more chaotic, Donnie with his research he dragged in from the lab, and Mikey because, well, it was Mikey. He's a lively sweetheart with a lot of interests, all at the same time, I definitely didn't hold it against him, I was glad he was so happy about everything and had a refreshing view on things, always made him fun to be around.

Some classic instrumental music mixed with techno playing, Lindsey Stirling was my absolute favorite, a small smile on my face as I balled up Mikey's dirty clothes and shot them into the dirty hamper so I could do laundry later. A pleasant smelling lavender spray that cleaned like a champ over the surfaces of Mikey's room, while making it smell a lot better too, some things never changed, thankfully.

I couldn’t help but giggle at some batman underwear, while also throwing, swooshing it into the hamper, and finished wiping everything down, and making his bed. You could bounce a quarter off those bed sheets they were that tightly tucked in. I picked up the dirty hamper and went down the line of bedrooms, cleaning, taking care of spike, and getting to Leo's room.

There it was, some whining, poor little buddy must've accident got locked in. I opened the door to see a Pitbull puppy, master splinter almost didn't let the blue banded turtle keep the cute little animal that was saved from a dog fighting ring the purple dragons ran, I promised the rat master I'd help Leo take care of him.

"Hi bear! How are you little baby boy?" the dog was about to run out and embrace the light of freedom but did a double take and ran back to me, little nub where his tail used to be was going bonkers. Of course I gave him a good scrub down of pets, he was licking my hands and anything else he could reach while I was giggling away.

"You gonna help me clean buddy?" I asked the still overly excited puppy, he was spinning around a bit with his excitement, and turned to follow me back into the turtle's room. I dropped the laundry basket with my hands over my mouth when I heard the puppy run into the door frame with a loud clunk.

"Bear?" My voice cautious, the puppy responded by coming around the corner, still very excited, I couldn't help a sympathetic giggle towards the dopey little silvery brown colored puppy.

"You ok? You poor sweet boy" at least he was still an ecstatic as can be dog. He definitely wasn't anywhere near the same level of gracefulness as his new master, but everyone in the lair loved him anyway.

The lovable goofball (and no I'm not talking about Mikey) followed me throughout the lair the entire time I cleaned Leo's room, just happy to have company. And happy to be right where I needed to be, which I combated with giving him belly rubs while completing the tasks, another being that made everything fun.

"Don't worry buddy, after I start a load of laundry, and check on dinner, we can go on a walk, ok?" Of course I was speaking in a baby voice to the little baby. Leo's room was cleaned and wiped down, I grabbed the dirty hamper and headed towards the newly remodeled laundry room.

"Bear no! that's Mikey's underwear! You trying to knock yourself out?" I had some urgency in my voice when I stopped doing what I was doing, the very same pair of batman underwear and the puppy picked it up in his mouth gently. I took it from him, by gently prying open his mouth, and taking it out, sure enough, the puppy coughed/gagged, warranting a laugh out of me.

"I warned you" I snickered, tossing those in with the rest of the load and cranking the washing machine, leaving the hamper on the top of side loader. The next stop was the kitchen, where the puppy happily followed me, smiling the whole way like the hyperactive boy he was. Even after he recovered from the near death experience. I smelled master Splinter up ahead, sure enough.

"Morning sensei" I greeted the rat master with a big smile, he was making his tea. He refused to let me make it, insisting that taking on such care for the boys was more than enough to do around here. As if they didn't break me out of a mutant prison, my job was cake a million times over compared to what they did for me, and in general, I was more than happy to take care of them.

"You are more than welcome to call me 'dad' if you like Abigail" he explained with a small smile. I couldn't help the sense of peace from how close I was with everyone here. While I never told them anything about myself, Splinter knew something was up with the relationship with my parents.

And while I would never try to replace my biological dad with master splinter, the rat would definitely be a very solid father figure, whom I love very much.

"Thank you" I was still pretty fresh around the lair, only being down here a few months, it felt like I knew everyone my entire life. That being said, it was really hard to talk about myself/past in general, so very little was known about me to my new adopted family.

I started doing dishes by hand, I'd have to help Donnie put in a new dishwasher soon, this one was very much so broken, it was on its last legs for a while, very clearly.

"Are you taking our precious bear for a walk?" very clear amusement in his eyes at the hyperactive puppy at my feet, who was pawing at my legs.

"Bear, you're getting too big for that" I insisted, petting him on the head to calm him down.

"I think getting out and running around the sewer will be in his best interests. He was as adamant to get out of Leo's room as Raph is getting into the gym" I snickered, washing my hands and finishing up the mounds of dishes. I walked over to the massive pot simmering the contents gently within, opening the lid, the pleasant waft of the food in the air.

"Is that chili?" Splinter had taken in the smell of the protein packed dinner, the whiskers near his nose twitching ever so slightly.

"It is. It’s a really good recipe. Even if it might turn the boys into stink bombs" I ran a hand through my hair sheepishly.

"You sleep near them" He reminded me, his eyes still flooded with amusement.

"I'll thank you and the chili for reminding me that later" I assured while laughing, then looking down at the restless puppy who was going ham on my shin.

"Ok Bear, let me get some actual clothes on and I'll take you out" Something tells me I'll want something more than just a t-shirt and shorts after leaving the warmth of the lair. It got toasty working inside where the temperature was controlled, but outside was just slightly different.

[oatmilkovich]

WILLA 🥰🥰🥰🥰 I honestly wanted to list each and every one of your fics because they are all amazing and you’re insanely talented it actually blows my mind. I really need to reread I had a dream because it’s so wonderful and like, my favourite gallavich fic and I remember sobbing all the time when I read it the first time and especially this passage:

LOVE IS IAN GALLAGHER FIXING HIM UP WITH A WET CLOTH AND A KISS TO HIS FOREHEAD!!!!! are you fucking kidding me 😫😫😭😭😭 literally destroyed me 😭😭😭

anyway I’m sorry I kind of lost my mind for a minute over here but really, hope you know you’re amazing and I LOVE YOU!!! hope you’re having the most wonderful of days 💜

VAL my dear ❤️❤️

i’m sorry I sat on this for a few days but that’s only because i wanted to give you a proper response. being included on your list meant so so much to me — then to receive this, really just made my day. thank you so much for the love you’ve always shown me and my work, it means a lot — especially because i’ve been unable to complete anything these last few years after drastic drop in confidence. the fact you still remember me and include me and my work, it’s truly so kind and lovely.

😭😭😭 it’s been a long time since i’ve reread anything i wrote back then and every time i do, i have to stop myself from being overly critical and wanting to delete or rewrite things. i wrote that fic during one of the hardest periods of my life and i’m proud, ultimately, of what i was able to achieve then. i’m really so touched that you connected with it so much.

you’re the best. i love you so so much! thanks for always being such a wonderful friend and thank you again for this. i hope you are having the best of days ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[joelsdagger]

just me being a little sappy for a sec, as i said in my author’s note, that was my first time actually writing a fic from start to finish and posting it and i was SO SCARED idky but i just was terrified to have ppl reading it and i almost didnt post it. probably bc i’m just so overly critical of myself and every time i went back to read it i was just not satisfied with it. but yall have been SO NICE and sweet and im just so happy you loved it! i’m already about halfway done with the next two pieces i’m working on and i just hope yall like them too. anyways just thanks for being so kind and complimentary to a newbie. thanks for being here. you don’t know how much it means to me <3

xx

[bloodflip-au]

Why is literally every single design you crank out so gender? I wish I owned most of these outfits. Anyways. Are you opposed to someone making fan fic based off of this AU as long as credit is given/linked backed to the blog in the description and/or author’s notes? I have a lot of ideas about this and ADHD machine go brrr. Also, I’m really curious about how being in a different place in the hierarchy changed these characters’ personalities. Is Equius, like, less Like That? Is Vriska more cautious? Do they have the same lusii or are those different as well? What about the clown cult? Many questions.

Aww, thanks! I suppose mine's rubbing off on my work. (/j) And, by all means, go right ahead! I'd love to see what you can come up with.

Lusii are mostly the same, aside from spidermom and Gl'bgolyb. Gl'bgolyb is now just a large, grouchy cuttlefish. Some of the trolls interact(ed) with them differently- for example, Tavros mostly hates his dad and think's he's a coward, Equius looks to his like a father instead of a well-liked servant, and Vriska didn't bother feeding hers, killing her pretty young and passing off a wild scorpion lusus as her mom when needed. She is a tad more cautious, though that's mostly Terezi's doing, and it's less 'she is innately more like that' and more 'she has gotten herself into bad situations enough that she opts to sulk instead of just doing whatever she wants to most of the time'. When someone she cares about's concerned, she still goes right back to acting without thinking, and she can still be incredibly vindictive.

Equius is still very vocally in favor of the hemospectrum, but he doesn't really believe it like he does in canon. He's overly cautious, and incredibly hesitant to step out of line or be seen questioning anything for fear of the consequences.

As for the others:

Feferi's much less confident, and can be quite skittish. She still wants to change Alternian society, and wishes 'culling' was something nicer, but she can't see herself as ever having the power to do that, or much of anything at all. She's generally plagued by a sense of helplessness.

Eridan's still stubborn as hell, but she actually respect's other peoples' wants and needs, instead of feeling like she's entitled to whatever she wants from people just because of her blood color.

Kanaya primarily acts the same, but her intentions are different. She can be pretty damned condescending, and her meddling usually has more self-interest involved, even if she doesn't actively seek to hurt people unless she really feels they deserve it.

With power and status, Tavros' low self worth and hero complex turned into a massive sense of entitlement and inability to handle feeling weak or being criticized. Instead of withdrawing and burying himself in feeling worthless, he pretends he's a perfect being and lashes out against anyone who threatens the image he projects.

I'd say Karkat's basically the same since only one aspect of him's changed, but. The aspect that has changed is his constant fear for his life, and that is a pretty fucking big part of his canon self. He's still loud and cares deeply about his friends, though he's prone to accidentally ghosting them every so often or forgetting to ask them about things that he really should've gotten their input on.

Gamzee acts exactly like canon when high, but when sober, while he can still be terrifying, the rage and violence is only really a concern if you're threatening him. When he's not in 'desperately try to defend myself' mode, he's just exhausted and hopeless.

Aradia's still incredibly friendly, enthusastic, and fascinated by all things morbid when she's relaxed. However, she is never relaxed, as she's far too busy focusing on being a better heiress in hopes of winning the spot, so others are more likely to think of her as irritable or obsessive, instead of optimistic or sociable.

Terezi and Sollux act pretty similarly to canon, though Sollux can be blunter and a bit more self centered, and Terezi pretends to be less weird around people she's not friends with. Nepeta is also pretty similar, though much more capable of malice. He also doesn't listen to everything Equius says, only really going along with him if he's actually convinced.

The clown cult still exists, specifically as an accidental creation of the Great Swindler. He painted his face to hide scars that might identify him, and instead of explaining, he'd come up with elaborate stories of clowns and carnivals and such when asked about it. When a cult formed around the idea, he encouraged it, and it ended up continuing to grow and evolve after he died. There's clowns that aren't purple, though not many, as well as plenty of purples that aren't clowns.

[bootzee02-reads]

Happy Fanfic Writer Appreciation Day!

I didn’t want to let this day go by without sending a note of thanks to the fanfic writers out there. I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. As a reader, I have been a little bit up-and-down this year. Every year I set up goals for my reading. Sometimes I reach them and sometimes not so much. I’ve been overly critical of myself and how I reblog this year. Sometimes I send really long messages in my reblogs and I feel like I can’t keep that same pace. Especially when I’m reading a series. Other times I feel that I’m not being original with my wording and struggle to find what I want to say without being repetitive. While I second-guess what I’m doing, I have actually lost some fics I’ve meant to reblog. I have followed more people and sometimes I worry I miss out on some of your great writing. I try to go through my list from time to time to see what I might have missed and to re-read fics that meet some kind of need or just resonate with me. Even though I don’t know you, I am always astounded by your willingness to share your works and your lives with us. You put yourselves out there for us and it never fails that somebody has to say something completely uncalled for or rude. Every time I read that, my heart hurts for you. We’ve lost a lot of good writers this year because of this nonsense. I hope you all know that there are so many more of us that support you. We all understand the need to take a break sometimes and care for yourselves. Whether or not I say it, I worry about you when you are quiet and hope all is well. This year I am hoping to not be as cautious. I want to reblog the things I like, no matter the content or subject. Also, I think I’m going to try to send more asks to show my appreciation. My hope is for you to find inspiration to write what you like and what moves you. I also hope that you find success, peace and happiness in all that you do. 

I always worry about who I do and do not tag in this kind of post. This is certainly not an exhaustive list but I wanted to acknowledge a few writers that have made my day a little brighter.

Thank you for taking the time to write and post your works 💜

@shreddedparchment @agentofbarnes @just-the-hiddles @xbuchananbarnes @theycallmebecca @thighs-of-betrayal-blog @imnotrevealingmyname @tilltheendwilliwrite @the-emo-asgardian @stevesbestgirl @nastybuckybarnes @angrythingstarlight @bolontiku @heli0s-writes @samwilsons-pillowpecs @ghostsstoriess @jewels2876 @poetic-fiasco @imaginedreamwrite @elfenbensord @wkemeup @avengerscompound @grufflepuff-writes-stuff @holylulusworld @ozarkthedog @river-soul @jobean12-blog

Note: I did end up being late as far as when the writers would be notified with this post. I have been tagging writer blogs in my reblogs so on those days I just wanted to quickly find a story it might be easier since I can’t figure out how to make a masterlist despite being given great directions. So…I used # instead of @ 😬 And that just falls in line with how everything has gone in the past year or so and why blog names didn’t pop up like they were supposed to 🤦‍♀️😂

[mooshys]

hello, hi, howdy. it’s been awhile. yes, this is @mooshua (aurora, moosh, whatever you want to call me) and this is my new account with which I will be using from now on (I go by the user “mooshys” on ao3 now too)!

I really wanted to say that I appreciate all the kind messages y’all sent 😭 Lord I was at a low point and being able to read your words like “take it easy” and “please take care of yourself” put me at ease. this step back was definitely needed (’: for the past month I’ve been relaxing and focusing on my own wellbeing <3 

alrighty. so! here’s an update nobody asked for. I did a little bit of writing and I actually finished one of the series that I started which is very neat since this was a goal I set for myself this year. I’m still going through the editing process for both fics, so I’ll upload chapters a couple times a week. another thing: I won’t be crossposting either series on tumblr. I’ll only be uploading the fics on ao3. if I come up with a short or an extra then I’ll upload them onto tumblr, but other than that... I just don’t feel like crossposting. I’m sorry about this! instead, I’ll make a post on tumblr whenever I do update a new chapter along with putting a little notice on my navigation. 

yeah, that’s about it! I’m going to continue to take things slow on my part so as to not burn myself out again while also not being so overly critical towards what I am putting out! for the time being, I’m going to also have asks turned off as I ease on into things. apologies for this! 

again, I really appreciate the kindness in this community + I hope you’re all staying happy and healthy (:

[arsenicpanda]

coming from an amateur writer, do you have any tips on writing smut?

ngl, I’m an amateur myself, having not finished much smut and still not written the actual act of sex from the perspective of one of the people experiencing it. So idk why you came to me, but I am flattered. I'm not great at advice on the act of writing, but I’ll do my best to talk about process and shit.

1. Read smut. Read lots of it, read varying qualities and varying lengths and as soft-core and hard-core as you’re up for. Read it for fun, just taking it in, and then read it with a critical eye. What works? What doesn’t? Are there any tropes (general, character-specific, or ship-specific) that you like or dislike? Why? What’s especially hot? What makes you cringe? What kind of language do you like? And so on and so forth. Ask questions and answer them.

2. What’s your setup? Like, which characters, which ship, which universe? If it’s an AU, how does the AU change things from canon (especially important if you’re doing ABO, which is its own can of worms I’m not getting into here)? What’s the relationship between your characters and what’s the situation in which they fuck?

3. How do your characters feel about sex in general and with respect to the ship you’re writing? How horny are they in general, for the other character(s) in the ship, and in this specific situation? What are they into and not into? What are their previous experiences (or lack thereof) with sex and romance? What experience do the characters have with each other? Are there specific experiences they might remember and use or is there certain knowledge they do or don’t have about their partner(s) (For established ships, I like to mention previous experiences and knowledge of what the POV character’s partner(s) are into as a way to show that there is real history there. For unestablished ships, I like to include that figuring out process some and the reactions to experiencing stuff for the first time, either in general or within the specific ship, to show that newness of the relationship. Maybe there’s mention of a certain preference the POV character already knows about, or maybe the POV character makes note of a preference they learn during the fic. Stuff like that.)? How loud are they during sex? Are there any sex acts that this ship would engage in no matter what (e.g. I maintain all smut with Jughead that isn’t a quickie should include him giving some amount of oral sex)? How many times can they orgasm? How sensitive are they? What’s their refractory period? And so on, and so forth. Note: once you come up with answers for this section for your ship once, the next time you write smut for them, you’ll really only have to make adjustments according to the universe you’re in, so that’s nice.

4. What kind of fic are you writing? Is it pwp? Smut within plot? A character or relationship piece? Basically, are there any arcs to get through, what are they, and how are they going to relate to the smut? How explicit is the smut? What language do you want to use to refer to genitals and orgasms and such? What POV are you writing in? How much do your characters talk? How “realistic” are things? Are they practicing safe sex, including safe oral sex?

5. What’s actually happening? I like to plan out a smut scene ahead of time so I know how it starts, where they are physically, what the characters are doing (hand, mouth, genital, etc location and movement), how one sex act moves into another, what can be seen/heard/felt/etc based on POV, what’s physically possible at all times, if there are any accessories or toys I need to explain them owning and where they’re kept before the smut, and how it ends. It also helps me make sure the smut doesn’t significantly overlap with something I’ve already written or am planning to write. I also write an outline, which you don’t have to do, but does help if you ever go weeks or months between working on it because then when you come back you don’t have to strain to remember what the plan was. You can also just go with the flow and just write, but definitely keep location of body parts and what the POV character can actually see/hear/etc (for example, if your POV character is blindfolded or bent over, they can’t describe their partner’s face) in mind as you do.

6. Write it. Vary your sentence structure. I find good smut includes not just physical action, but emotion and especially sensation, but you might disagree. If you're struggling with repeated words and shit, maybe look for lists of words to use when writing smut. Probably look up tips for writing smut in general, ask people for advice (which you already are, so good for you!), etc. Draw upon your own experience if you have any, and if you don’t, maybe look into people’s accounts, sex tips, etc and check if any questions you have about sensation have been answered online anywhere, e.g. on reddit. But don’t try and make it perfect all at first; just write it. One approach that’s often effective is to do writing "sprints", that is, sit down for fifteen minutes and just write; you can continue for another fifteen minutes when you're done if you want, but you'd be surprised how much you can get done in fifteen minute segments over multiple days. Also, I recommend writing in google docs with the setting of “Add space after paragraph” (go to Format, then Line & paragraph spacing) for ease of transferring to AO3. Actually, here's a good guide on working from google docs an moving to AO3; look at it before you start. Google docs is also useful for when you have a beta because it lets them make suggestions instead of straight-up changing things themselves. Also, take note of where you use italics and non-italicized punctuation together (this will be useful when you need to publish to AO3).

7. Read it carefully and with a critical eye like you would someone else’s fic up in #1. Make sure that you can follow the action based solely on what you wrote and that nothing impossible or contradictory happens (e.g. teleporting body parts, a single hand in two locations at the same time, people twisting or reaching in physically impossible ways). What do you think is missing, where, why, and how might you fix it?

8. Revise it.

9. Repeat 7 and 8 as much as you desire until you’re satisfied, or at least as satisfied as you can be without peer review.

10. Send it to beta. Like, seriously, send it to beta because, if nothing else, your beta won’t know what’s supposed to be happening in the scene, so they can tell you if you’ve successfully conveyed what happens. If you have anything in particular you are uncertain about or want help with, ask your beta to pay close attention to it. Seriously, betaing is going to be much more effective if your beta knows what they should be focusing on most.

11. Repeat steps 7 and 8.

12. Title it and write a summary. Feel free to ask your beta for help here.

12. Congrats, you’re done! Transfer it to AO3 from google docs and save it as a draft. AO3 by default puts a space between italics and non-italicized punctuation, so go through your list of those combos and manually delete the extra spaces. Now add your title, tags, and summary. Don’t tag side pairings/pairings the fic doesn’t focus on in the relationship section; if you need to warn readers of them, put them in the additional tag sedition. If you’re writing an ot3+ that isn’t an established, feel free to tag the pieces of the ship involved (e.g. Betty/Jughead/Tabitha would also tag Betty/Jughead, Betty/Tabitha, and Tabitha/Jughead). But if the ot3+ is already popular within fandom, only tag the ot3+. Don’t tag characters who aren’t central to the story. Tag all warnings and kinks involved especially.

I think that’s it? I guess I might have overly walked you through, but that’s the process I recommend. I mean, I don’t always follow all the steps (While I get the gist of character/emotional arcs before I start plotting the smut, I often really nail them down after I’ve decided on the events of the smut because the latter is generally what has me writing the smut in the first place and I tend to get ahead of myself. Things would probably be easier if I didn’t do that though), but they’re good guidelines, I think? Regardless, I hope this helps!

[itsclydebitches]

Hello again! Im the tinfoil hat anon with the long ass asks and I finally had the time to read your response. Thank you, it makes my day reading your answers. I honestly just enjoyed them over a cup of coffee like a good book.

Now, the gun pointing scene I mentioned was in fact the one from the droid fight facility like the other anon suggested. But I really liked that you covered the boat scene too, I haven’t thought of it much myself and now I definitely have!

I also would like to mention I love your “candy bar” choice analogy and I 100% agree Hunter’s “invitation” to join back wasn’t welcoming in the slightest. It is very likely just an obligation as you said. Sort of “you gave us a chance, we owe you a chance too”.

And the problem with it is now I am struggling to figure out how the batch members might change their attitude toward Crosshair going forward, especially Hunter. As of right now Crosshair’s best relationship is not with his brothers but with Omega(as surprising as this is). And I think he does realize now she cared about him the most out of all of them during the short time they interacted(both 1st and last episodes). Even between themselves(not counting Omega) I find most of the bad batch members to be cold and distant to each other. They feel less like a family than Rebels for example. And they aren’t even a “found family”(a trope everyone loves) but an actual one! And I get that they’re soldiers and supposed to be tough, I don’t expect them to share all “the feels”. I just can’t put my finger on it but something feels off. I agree with your previous post, the show doesn’t do a very good job showing or even telling they love each other.

Will Hunter and co only start caring about their brother again only after he leaves the empire?(assuming he does at some point). What about Disney’s prevailing theme and message that “family always love and care for each other no matter what”? I guess it’s “family always love and care for each other but only if you’re good guys making right choices”. There is no room for mistakes or wrong decisions. In the last episode everyone form the batch seemed to have given up on Crosshair(besides Omega). For now their attitude seems to be just “you’re not our enemy” and that’s that.

I realize Crosshair is a “bad guy” and consciously made his choice(and we know it’s the wrong one) but to me it felt like he thought he didn’t even had a choice or rather became so lost and confused he actually thought he chose the empire as “the lesser evil”(as in the less shitty choice out of all the other bad ones). We as audience have the benefit to know exactly how atrocious the empire really is but maybe Crosshair still doesn’t realize that.

So what exactly must Crosshair do to get back “in their good graces” as you say? Start saving “the good guys”? Save the bad batch multiple times? There is a popular opinion on how Crosshair can redeem himself. That he eventually heroically sacrifices himself to save them. I personally REALLY hope it’s NOT what’s going to happen but I heard so many people speculating his story is set up to be redemption=death. I know you mentioned you don’t want “Vader style redemption” either. Personally I think it would be a waste of a character who has a lot of potential. And I just think that the batch kind of don’t really deserve his sacrifice(maybe save for Omega) after how they never tried to save him themselves and how they treated him overall. Maybe he will risk his life to save Omega at some point and that will “prove” to Hunter he cares? Although he has already shown he cares by saving her(even if in Crosshair’s own words it’s just so they’re “even”). And the thing is, he doesn’t need to prove that he loves them, he already did that in episode 15 and made it clear he does care. He actually went to extreme by shooting his squad to prove his loyalty. What were the moments the batch demonstrated they care about him? Hunter saying “you never were our enemy” and taking his unconscious body to safety? To me Hunter “not leaving him behind” during bombardment felt more like guilt about the last time it happened and an obligation to Crosshair for helping them with droids, rather than them showing care. And I kinda of think if that was any random civilian(or anyone other than an enemy or a threat) they would carry them out too just because that’s what good guys do and not because it’s their brother. You also mentioned that minutes later Hunter snaps at him with “if you want to stay here and die, that’s your choice” which I agree can be interpreted in different ways. And I think it’s one more point to it being an obligation that in Hunter’s eyes is fulfilled now. He corrected his mistake of leaving a brother behind and saved him this time, now his guilt won’t burden him any longer.

Anyway, I can’t wait for season 2 and I appreciate you and all the anons sharing the tinfoil hat, interacting and speculating together. Those discussions have been a lot of fun!

TLDR: How do your think the relationship between the brothers will mend or evolve in the next season? Do you think S2 will improve in portraying the batch more as a family rather than a group of mercs doing missions together? What are your thoughts on the popular idea of Crosshair’s redemption by ultimate sacrifice? As in, how likely do you think this scenario is?

Anon, that is just wonderfully hilarious to me. Ah yes, the sunrise, a good cup o' joe, and the overly long character analysis of a snarky, fictional sniper. Exactly what everyone needs in the morning! 😆

You know, TBB is far from the first show I've watched where there's an obvious, emotional conclusion the creator wants the audience to come to—the squad all love each other Very Much—yet that conclusion isn't always well supported by the text. It creates this horribly awkward situation where you're going, "Yes, I'm fully aware of what the show wanted to do, but this reading, arguably, did not end up in the story itself. So what are we talking about here? The intention, or the execution?" It's like Schrödinger's Bad Batch where the group is simultaneously Very Loving and Very Distant depending on how much meta-aspects are influencing your reading: those authorial intentions, understanding of how found family tropes should work, fluff focused fics/fan art that color our understanding of the characters, etc. And, of course, whether someone saw TCW before they watched TBB. I personally wouldn't go quite so far as to say they're "cold" towards one another—with Crosshair as an exception now—but there wasn't the level of bonding among the squad that I expected of a show called The Bad Batch. Especially compared to their arc in TCW. The other night I re-watched the season seven premiere and was struck not just by how much more the squad interacted with each other back then, but how those interactions added depth to their characters too. For example, Crosshair is the mean one, right? He's the one picking fights with the Regs? Well yeah... but it's also Wrecker. While they're trying to decide what to do with Cody injured, Jesse calls out Crosshair on his attitude—"You can't talk to Captain Rex like that!"—and Wrecker's immediate response is, "Says who?" and he hefts Jesse into the air. And then he just holds him there, clearly using his superior strength to do as he pleases, until Hunter (sounding pretty angry) tells him to put Jesse down. If Wrecker had put him into a more classically understood bullying position, like pinning him to the ground, it would probably read as less funny—less "Haha strong clone lifts Jesse up in the air!" and more "Oh shit, strong clone can do whatever the hell he wants to the Regs and few are able to stop him." It's such a quick moment, but it tells us a ton about Wrecker. That he's going to stick up for his brothers, no matter the context (Crosshair deserves to be called out). That he will gleefully assist Crosshair in bothering the Regs (something that is reinforced when he later throws the trays in the mess hall, after Hunter has already deescalated the situation). That he's likely been hurt by awful treatment from the Regs too. That he'll only listen to Hunter when it comes to backing off. Little of this work—that interplay among the squad that shows us new sides to them other than basic things like "Wrecker is the nice, happy brother"—exists in TBB.

Or, at least, little exists after Omega becomes an official member of the squad.

Because, as said previously, she becomes the focus. I don't mean that as a total criticism. As established, I love Omega. But if we're talking about why the squad can feel so distant from each other, I think she's the root cause, simply because the story became all about her relationships with the Batch, rather than the Batch's relationships with each other. Having dived headfirst into reading and writing fic, it occurred to me just how many of the bonding moments we love, the sort of stuff we'll see repeated in fics because we understand that this is where the story's emotional center is, are given to Omega in canon:

Someone is hurt and in need of comfort. Omega's emotional state is the focus + moments like her being worried over Hunter getting shot.

Someone needs to learn a new skill. Echo teaches Omega how to use her bow.

Someone reveals a skill they never knew they had before. Omega is a strategic genius and plays her last game with Hunter.

Someone is in serious danger and in need of rescue. Omega rescues the group from the slavers + is the most vocal about rescuing Hunter. (Which, again, is a pretty sharp contrast to the whole Crosshair situation.) Omega, in turn, needs rescuing from things like the decommission conveyor belt.

Similarly, someone is kidnapped and in need of rescue. Omega is kidnapped twice by bounty hunters and the Batch goes after her.

Someone saves another's life. Omega saves Crosshair from drowning.

Someone does something super sweet for another. Wrecker gives Omega her room. Omega gives Wrecker Lula.

A cute tradition is established between characters. Wrecker has his popcorn-esque candy sharing with Omega.

Someone hurts someone else and has to ask forgiveness. Wrecker is upset about nearly shooting Omega and they have that sweet moment together.

Note that most of these examples could have occurred between other Batch members, but didn't. Someone could have created a space for Echo on the ship too. Wrecker also could have apologized to Tech for choking him, etc. It's not that those moments shouldn't happen with Omega, just that there should be more of a balance across the whole season, especially for a show supposedly focused on the original squad. Additionally, it's not that cute bonding moments between the rest of the Batch don't exist. I love Hunter selling Echo off as a droid. I love Wrecker and Tech bickering while fixing the ship. I love the tug-of-war to save Wrecker from the sea monster. Yes, we do have moments... it's just that comparatively it feels pretty skewed in Omega's direction.

So, as a VERY long-winded way of answering your question, I think we need to fix the above in order to tackle Crosshair's redemption in season two. Now that we've had a full season focused on Omega, we need to strike a better balance among the rest of the squad moving forward. We need to re-established the "obvious" conclusion that the rest of the Batch loves Crosshair and that's done (in part) by establishing their love for one another too. To my mind, both goals go hand-in-hand, especially since you can develop their relationship with Crosshair and their relationships with each other simultaneously. Imagine if instead of just having Wrecker somewhat comically admit that he misses Crosshair (like he's dead and they can't go get him??), he and Tech had a serious conversation about why they can't get him back yet, despite very much wanting to. Imagine if Echo, the one who was rescued against all odds, got to scream at Hunter to go get Crosshair like Omega screamed at them to go back for Hunter. Imagine if we'd gotten more than a tiny arc in TCW to establish the Batch's dynamic with each other, providing a foundation for how they would each react to Crosshair's absence. Instead, what little we've got in TBB about Crosshair's relationship with his brothers is filtered through Omega: Omega's embarrassment that she knocked over Crosshair's case, Omega treating Crosshair's comm link like a toy, Omega's quest to save Hunter that just happened to involve Crosshair along the way.

Obviously, at this point we can't fix how the first season did things, but I think we can start patching over these issues in season two. It would be jarring—we'd still be 100% correct to ask where this "Brothers love you, support you, and will endlessly fight for you" theme was for Crosshair's entire time under the Empire's thumb... but I'd take an about-face into something better than not getting any improvement at all. It is frustrating though, especially for a show that I otherwise really, really enjoyed. For me, the issue isn't so much that the show made a mistake (since no show is perfect), but that the mistake is attached to such a foundational part of the franchise. Not just in terms of "SW is about hope and forgiveness" but the specific relationship most clones have with each other: a willingness to go above and beyond for their brothers. The focus on Omega aside, it's hard to believe in the family dynamic when one member of the family was so quickly and easily dismissed. I couldn't get invested in Hunter's rescue as much as I should have because rather than going, "Yes!! Save your brother!!!" my brain just kept going, "Lol where was this energy for Crosshair?" It messes with your reading of the whole story, so in order to fix that mistake going forward, we need to start seeing the bonds that only sometimes exist in season one. Show the guys expressing love for one another more consistently (in whatever way that might be—as you say, soldiers don't have to be all touchy-feely. Give us more moments like Wrecker supporting his brothers' bad habits) and then extend that to Crosshair. Which brother is going to demand that they fight for him? Which brother is going to acknowledge that they never tried to save him? Which brother is going to question this iffy statement about the chip? In order to buy into the family theme, Omega can't be the only one doing that emotional work.

Ideally, I wouldn't want Crosshair to go out of his way to prove that he's a good guy now. I mean, I obviously want him to stop helping the Empire and such, duh lol, but I'm personally not looking for a bunch of Extra Good Things directed at the Batch as a requirement for forgiveness. Simply because that would reinforce the idea that they're 100% Crosshair's victims, Crosshair is 100% the bad guy, and he's the only one who needs to do any work to fix this situation. Crosshair needs to stop doing bad things (working for Empire). But the Batch needs to start doing good things too (reaching out to him). Especially since Crosshair made a good play already, only to be met with glares and distrust. He saved Omega! And AZI! And none of them cared. So am I (is Crosshair) supposed to believe that saving one of their lives again will result in a different reaction? That doesn't make much sense. And no, his own life wasn't at risk when he did that, but does every antagonist need to die/nearly die to prove they're worth fighting for? As you say, he's already shown that he loves them, far more than they've shown the reverse. Every time Crosshair hurt them (attacking) it was while he was under the chip's influence. In contrast, the group has no "I was being controlled" excuse for when they hurt him (abandonment). Season two needs to acknowledge the Batch's responsibility in all this—and acknowledge that they're all victims of the Empire—in order to figure out an appropriate arc for Crosshair's redemption.

Right now, the issue is not Crosshair loving his brothers, the issue is how Crosshair chooses to express that love: trying to keep them safe and giving them a purpose in life by joining the organization that's clearly going to dominate the galaxy. The only way to fix that, now that his offer has been rejected, is for him to realize that a life on the run from the Empire, together, is a better option for everyone. And the only way for that to happen is for the Batch to seriously offer him a place with them again. They need to make the first move here. They need to fight for him. And yeah, I totally get that a lot of people don't like that because it's not "fair." He's the bad guy. He's with the fascist allegory. He's killed people and has therefore lost any right to compassion and effort from the good guys... but if that's the case, then we just have to accept that (within the story-world, not from a writing perspective) Crosshair is unlikely to ever come back from this. When people reach that kind of low, they rarely pull themselves out on their own. They need other people to help them do that. Help them a lot. But with the exception of Omega's reminder—which Crosshair can't believe due to how everyone else has treated him—they leave him alone and seem to expect him to fix himself first, then he gets their support. It needs to be the other way around. Support is what would allow him to become a good guy again, not "Well, you'll get our love when you're good again, not before." That's unlikely to occur and, as discussed, it doesn't take into account things like this bad guy life being forced on Crosshair at the start. If the story really wanted this to be a matter of ideological differences... then make it about ideological differences. Let Crosshair leave of his own free will, right at the start. Don't enslave him for half the season, have him realize he was abandoned, imply all that brainwashing, give him no realistic way out, and then punish him for not doing the right thing. This isn't a situation where someone went bad for the hell of it—the story isn't asking us to feel compassion for, say, the Admiral—it's a situation where Crosshair was controlled and now can't see a way out. That context allows for the Batch, the good guys, to fight for him without the audience thinking the show is just excusing that behavior. They should have been fighting from the start, but since they didn't, I hope we at least start seeing that in season two.

Ultimately though... I don't really expect all of the above. The more balanced dynamics and having the Batch fight for Crosshair rather than Crosshair going it alone... I wouldn't want to bet any money on us getting it, just because these are things that should have been established in season one and would have been more easy to pull off in season one. (If the Batch wouldn't fight for Crosshair while he was literally under the Empire's control, why would they fight now when he's supposedly acting of his own free will? It's backwards in terms of the emotional effort involved.) But again, it could happen! I'd be very pleased if it did happen, despite the jarring change. I don't want to make it sound like I think they're going to write off Crosshair entirely. Far from it, I think there are too many details like his sad looks for that, to say nothing of Omega's compassion. But the execution of getting him on Team Good Guys again might be preeeetty bumpy. I expect it to revolve around Crosshair's sins and Crosshair's redemption, even if what I would like is balancing that with Crosshair's loss of agency, the Batch's mistakes, and their own redemption towards him.

Honestly though, I just hope that whatever happens happens soon. It's a personal preference, absolutely, but after a season of Crosshair as the antagonist, I'm ready for him to be back with the group, making the Empire (and bounty hunters) the primary enemy. Whether his return happens through a mutual acknowledgement of mistakes, or through Crosshair being depicted as the only one in the wrong who has to do something big to be forgiven... just get him back with the squad lol. Because if the writing isn't going to delve into that nuance, then the longer he remains unforgiven, the longer some of us have to watch a series while going, "Wait, wait, wait, I really don't agree with how you're painting this picture."

[myaekingheart]

20 [Fanfic Writer] Questions Game

Thank you so much for tagging me, @lemony-snickers! This is tons of fun, I love answering these kinds of big questionnaires 😂💕 Also putting mine under a cut because there’s a lot of questions and I like to ramble. 

Also gonna go ahead and just tag whoever wants to do this! 😅💕

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

As of August 27, 2021, I have a total of 77 works on my AO3! 

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

Funny enough, I was just looking at this, specifically, earlier today and kind of laughing about it. Right now, my total word count across all my works is 1,148,941 😬 

3. How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

Apparently 12, but some of them I don’t really consider “big” in my fandom repertoire. Naruto is my greatest fandom with a total of 60 fics so far, followed by The Chronicles of Narnia and Rise of the Guardians. The rest are ones I either did crossover fics with or just did one-off little pieces with--The Incredibles, Tangled, Brave, How to Train Your Dragon, Arthurian Mythology, Disney Princesses, Fairy Tales and Related Fandoms, Back to the Future, and Frozen. 

4. What are your Top Five fics by kudos?

The Scarecrow and The Bell (Naruto) - 470 kudos The Day Kakashi’s Mask Slipped (Naruto) - 139 kudos Sunflowers (Naruto) - 92 kudos Sakumo the House Husband (Naruto) - 81 kudos Someone to Lean On (Naruto) - 67 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always try to respond to comments, because I like to acknowledge when people respond to my work. I cherish comments like nobody’s business, especially when they’re kind and reactionary. I just really love seeing/hearing what people think of the way a story is progressing, or what they thought of a one-shot. Comments keep me going especially when it comes to longfic so I want to be able to let readers know that I do in fact see their comments, that I’m acknowledging what they’re saying, and that I appreciate them. Plus, it can be kind of fun to tease upcoming events in a fic through responses to people’s comments, too. Because I’m mean. 

6. What fic have you written with the angstiest ending?

Definitely Hothouse (Rise of the Guardians/The Incredibles; Jack Frost x Violet Parr; American Horror Story AU). This was the first multi-chaptered fic I ever wrote to completion and I honestly cringe when I remember it exists both because it’s so poorly organized (and full of nasty plot holes) and because I just went ham on the gore factor. It definitely has a really bittersweet and heartbreaking ending to it, too. 

7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I think I’ll definitely have to say Temptation. The story itself was kind of a ride, and it’s only the first installment in a series, but it follows the plot of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe but remixed due to the presence of an original character, but the ending is still roughly the same as the original: they defeat the evil, the Pevensies are all crowned kings and queens, happy days. Reading the last few paragraphs of the last chapter honestly still gets me all up in my feelings. 

8. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I used to be more of a crossover writer due to one of my main ships being a crossover ship. They weren’t super crazy, though, because they were both CGI-animated films. The craziest crossover I’ve ever written is an in-progress/unfinished multichapter piece, Kakashi, Enchanted, that sees our favorite Copy Ninja get kamui’d into the Disney princess dimension and has to help the likes of Snow White, Cinderella, and Rapunzel on his journey to find a way back to his own world. It’s a super weird premise but definitely one of my more lighthearted works and fun to revisit when I need to decompress. 

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I don’t think I’ve ever received hate so much as I’ve received criticism. The closest I ever got to hate on a fic, I think, was someone left an overly personal and mentally disturbed comment on a chapter of my main fic that made me convinced they needed to seek therapy and deal with their own personal issues rather than take it out on a fanfic about animated ninjas. 

10. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Maybe 👀 I’m super vanilla when it comes to smut, though. I think the wildest thing I’ve ever written in smut is breeding kink. 

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, and I hope I never will. 

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet! I had someone ask to translate a one-shot of mine in Russian but I never got a response back when I laid out my terms and conditions. 

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not! I used to do paragraph-style roleplay which was kind of like cowriting fanfiction but writing is so personal and sacred to me that I don’t know if I could ever actually cowrite a fic with someone. I like brainstorming with other people, but writing for me is more of a deeply personal and independent endeavour. 

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Oh god, this is a tricky question because it depends on fandom. I absolutely love New Dream (Rapunzel x Eugene, Tangled) and have for the past ten years, and my love for them as only grown since watching Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure. I don’t write or even really read a ton of fanfiction for them, though. I’m also still highly dedicated to my favorite crossover crackship, Frostfield (Jack Frost x Violet Parr, Rise of the Guardians/The Incredibles) and to this day, if you search for that ship on AO3, I am the sole provider of every single fic about them so far. I’m not as active with them as I used to be, but they got me through some really rough times back in the day and still mean so much to me. A lot of my favorite ships across fandoms, though, are honestly canon x OC ships of mine because I am a self-indulgent bitch who needs to project. So Peter Pevensie x Eilonwy (The Chronicles of Narnia) and Kakashi Hatake x Rei Natsuki (Naruto) are really important to me and I’ve poured so much of myself specifically into their stories. I think it’s safe to say Kakashi and Rei is my all-time favorite ship across all fandoms, though, just because of how much their story means to me. The Scarecrow and The Bell is my magnum opus, my pride and joy, and I’m sure it will be my biggest fandom footprint of my entire life. I’ve dedicated the past three years to this story and these characters and I intend to continue doing it until it no longer brings me joy (which I hope it always will). There’s just so much I could say about this story and Kakashi and Rei’s relationship but I don’t think we have enough time or space in this post for that 😅 Just know that they mean the world to me and I will always hold them in the highest regard as a beautifully messy, flawed, passionate, soulmate-y ship that I love with all of my heart 🥺

EDIT: I also feel obligated to tack on some of my absolute favorite Naruto ships because I may not have written for all of them (yet) but they still make me unbelievably happy or I find them really compelling and enjoy the idea of exploring them: 

Naruhina is precious happy sunshine and The Last honestly felt like a wonderful Disney princess movie to me, it was so cute and the romance was so on-point, Naruhina just makes me so incredibly happy and I love them with all my heart. 

MinaKushi also gets me all up in my feels and I adore them with every fiber of my being. Their romance also gave me Disney princess movie vibes which I love, their story is just so damn sweet as is their character dynamic and I am still so heartbroken that they never got to be a happy family with Naruto because you know what? It’s what they deserved!

SasuSaku is so compelling to me and I really feel like we were cheated out of seeing their relationship develop and evolve postwar in the same way The Last did for Naruhina. They’re my favorite angst ship and while I don’t think they were written that well in canon, I love the possibility and potential of them together and am excited to explore them more in-depth in my own writing. 

NejiTen is just too cute, I really love the way Neji and Tenten’s personalities compliment each other? I don’t have much else to say about them except that I really love them together and think they have so much untapped potential that I also can’t wait to explore in more depth in my own writing. 

15. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Paper Hearts and Impromptu Bookmarks, probably. I love the premise of this story a lot and I have so many interesting ideas for it but at the same time, it also feels kind of cheap and cringey to me, in a way? It takes all of these ideas I probably would have had if I had been into Naruto when I was a kid and kind of compiles them all into one big story. Kakashi and Aiko’s relationship and story is still really important to me and I want to continue it someday but for right now, I just haven’t had the motivation or desire to write any more of it. I think I’m just so overwhelmingly preoccupied with writing Kakashi and Rei’s story that I can’t imagine writing any other Kakashi x OC fics right now. 

16. What are your writing strengths?

I want to say that I’m really good at capturing complex emotion? I don’t know, I write a lot of angst and mental upheaval in my fics which can be really difficult to try and capture, but I think I do a decent enough job of it? And just writing difficult subjects in general. I think it’s really important to address difficult topics such as mental illness and relationship difficulties and everything but I also want to try and write those topics in a way that is both authentic to the experience while also still tasteful. I don’t want to drive readers away with heavy subject matter but rather present a situation that feels real and authentic while also still being digestible. I may not be doing a very good job of that during the current arc of my fic that I’m working on, but I’m trying haha

EDIT 2: I also want to add onto this to say that I’m really proud of my organizational techniques for writing longfic. It’s not necessarily a strength in terms of the prose itself but it’s something that’s taken me years to really get a grasp on and find a method that works perfectly for me and so far, it’s been extremely helpful and beneficial to me. I don’t know where I would be now as a writer without these essential tools in my pocket. 

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I feel like I do a really bad job of the “show, don’t tell” thing. It can be really hard to balance descriptive prose with straightforward writing that moves things along. I don’t want to dwell on mental dialogue to the point where you lose track of what’s going on, but I also don’t want my stuff to read like “Character A did xyz. Character B said abc. They went to 123″, whatever. Another thing I struggle with is sentence variation. I always fall into the same patterns when I’m writing prose and I get really self-conscious about it because I don’t want to sound repetitive or disrupt the flow of the writing. One of my favorite things about prose is focusing on the cadence of the words, I think it’s one of the most beautiful things about writing in general, but it can just be really difficult to get a good grip on that. I’ve been told in the past that I apparently have a really good grasp/control of the language or whatever but sometimes I just find that really hard to believe when I look at my work with such scrutiny. I think one of my biggest pet peeves with my own writing, too, is feeling like I start all of my sentences the same five different ways. I’ll read other people’s works and they’ll write sentences like “Glass-blue water lapped against the shores of a deserted beach as a lonely woman gazed off into the distance” and I can just never figure out how to realistically write sentences that start like that in the context of my prose and it drives me fucking crazy, like I’m definitely jealous  😅

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve never really thought much about it before, but I think there are pros and cons! For bilingual/multilingual readers, I think it can be a really enriching reading experience because they know what’s being said in both languages. For people who only know one language, however, unless a translation is provided, I feel like it can be really alienating. I think the best use of that for both worlds is using it as a means for miscommunication humor. Other than that, I think it can be a slippery slope that depends on what kind of reader you are and how it’s written. 

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The Chronicles of Narnia! My very first fanfiction was a Narnia fanfic that I barely remember except that it laid the basis for Temptation and my Narnia fanfic series as a whole. I never posted this first iteration anyway, but I remember it was 2008/2009 and I wrote a solid 80 pages (which was wild for me at the time) and had gotten halfway through remixing the events of Prince Caspian when my computer crashed and I lost absolutely everything. I’m still heartbroken that it’s gone forever, not because I’d want to go back and read it necessarily (since I’m sure it was actually hot garbage) but at least for nostalgia’s sake. Either way, like I said, this long-lost fic laid the basis for the very first fanfiction I ever posted, the first published (and never finished) iteration of Temptation back in 2011 on deviantART and the since-defunct Figment. I fell out of the fandom around 2012/2013 and left the story alone for a while before ultimately deciding to completely redux and rewrite the story when the fixation swung back around again between 2016 and 2018. 

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Despite the fact that it’s still in-progress, definitely The Scarecrow and The Bell. This fic just genuinely means so damn much to me and I will cherish it for the rest of my life because of how much it’s given me, how much love and passion and time and even parts of myself that I have poured into this, and also just how expansive of a story this is. Not only does it touch on some very dark and heavy topics, but I’ve also created so much of my own characters and meta for this story that it’s almost an entire universe in and of itself. I’ve just contributed so much additional world-building and created so many new OCs to fill important roles in this story and in Rei’s life, and they’ve all become so deeply important to me as they’ve developed further over the years. I’ve come up with so many interesting ideas for everyone and their lives, which are all slowly becoming so rich and varied. Not to mention that it’s my most popular fic to date as well as my longest fic at 632k and counting. I’ve really just genuinely poured so much of my heart and soul into this story, it’s my absolute favorite thing I’ve ever done and I really mean it when I say that I will cherish it for the rest of my life. 

[cowboylikedean]

Now that I’ve had time to sit with all of this, my feelings are.... complicated.

The thing is... I was finished. I was done. I watched seasons 11-14 out of respect for my past, my history, my time, my life. I was watching season 15 out of respect for the show. To see it out to the end, to give it the opportunity and respect to be finished. But I was already done. 

And then they did one of the three (3) things that could bring me back. 

And I feel so... manipulated? 

I kinda feel like Buffy in season 6 talking about coming back from heaven. “I was finished, complete. And I was happy. But I was torn out of there, ripped out... by my friends.” 

Because I was happy. I was happy in that I had made peace. I knew that I loved the original seasons 1-5 arc, that my favorite season was 7, that season 8 was when I started to really not enjoy myself, that season 9 is when I lost all ability to enjoy the show, that I only watched season 10 for the 200th and the nostalgia presented in that episode was fun, but it carried me for two or three weeks and then.... I let go. I had made peace with never getting that back. I was never going to watch this show and have fun again, unless I was rewatching 1-7, and that was okay. I didn’t need to enjoy it. I didn’t need anything. The writers were terrible and I knew that but it was okay. I didn’t have to trust them or have faith in them or generally give a shit because they were bad writers phoning it in for a pay check and that’s fine... If you can, you can I guess. I mean it’s bullshit but like I was okay. 

But now.... Now I care again. Now I need and want something from them. Now I’m worried about the fact that I don’t trust them and I think they’re all shitty writers phoning it in for a paycheck because now I care about what happens. 

And I’m pissed. 

Because out of those three things, they chose the ONE that I resent the most. 

Those three things are (1) They kill Sam. This is clearly my favorite, and if they were gonna do one I wish they’d done this especially if it was at Dean’s hands. He’d never have a happy ending after killing Sam, but I would. (2) They kill Dean. This would have been a cut and dry “let’s go kill someone” charge. I would have had my appropriate moment of outrage and disgust. I’d be seeing Sam-stans and Cas-stans write their long metas about how “it’s actually a perfect ending for Dean” and see destiel wannabes write their mourning fics like it was cute and be justified in every spec of anger I’ve ever felt. 

But they chose (3) Destiel goes canon. I get no satisfaction from this... But I do get my sense of nostalgia played upon. I get used for views with nothing in return. Well... Maybe that’s not accurate, I get something, but it’s not... 

I stopped shipping destiel 2 seasons before I finished watching. Season 8 was the last time I shipped it in any serious fashion. I sat through the wild and incredible queerbaiting that was Jeremy Carver’s run of the show.... and honestly for what?! I was here in the hiatus between seasons 7 and 8, leading up to what we, the fandom, called “season gr8″ which it was only named because of queerbaiting. And I fell for it. I drank the koolaid every single week in season 8. I wrote metas and posts, my fb memories are filled with posts insisting that “this would be the week.” 

“It’s not queerbaiting if they make it canon,” I’d say. “It’s a slow burn, a long build. A will-they-won’t-they.” I felt like my fellow fans who were getting increasingly more aggressive with the cast and crew had just “lost faith.” that if they saw the big picture, that Dean and Cas were an epic love story that didn’t need immediate payoff, they could enjoy all the little moments we were getting without demanding more. 

By the time I left the show, I no longer expected they’d make it canon... but more importantly, neither did I want them to. By that time, Dean had been put through the ringer being the emotional support for every character, the punching bag, the background to everyone else’s stories because no other actor could pull the emotion Jensen could. Dean had everything he had despite the other characters’ stories and emotions. He was seen by the fandom and most of the writing staff as a filler, an extension. He was one half of a relationship - romantic or not - not his own person. He was “the dumb one” and characterized in really stupid ways. You can see it as recently as 15x16 when a writer who has written one other episode of the show and clearly never actually watched the show especially the flashback episodes. Dean was a caricature, not a character. And Cas... Cas was written with increasing amounts of fanservice too. He went from a powerful being trying to learn to balance his sense of angelic responsibility with love of the Earth to being a whiny crybaby who was generally helpless to circumstance. He was written in such a way where he both leaned on Dean to give him purpose and validation while also completely ignoring everything about Dean that made Dean Dean. 

As the seasons have gone on, this has gotten more apparent. I think what happened with Mary and Dean kicking Cas out the bunker earlier this season (which was also written by Robert Berens btw and if it’s true he wrote the confession scene first in the season - he wrote this scene after that one) is a perfect example. Dean’s criticism there is that Cas doesn’t trust him. When shit is hitting the fan, Cas expects Dean to react in the worst possible way he could, so he refrains for telling Dean vital information and asking for help while he looks for a solution by himself so Dean never has to know there’s even a problem. Then something goes wrong and Cas is always left there saying he’s sorry, that he shouldn’t have done that... But he never seems to learn, or trust Dean enough to do something different next time. And that time, the lack of trust killed Dean’s mom. The narrative and the fandom both treated Dean as irrational and overly emotional - the bad guy - in that situation. Dean shouldn’t have done that.

But like what the fuck should he have done??? I’d have killed him. Or cut him out for good... like for good for good. How toxic is it to have someone in your life who repeatedly ruins your life by not trusting you with a problem that could be dealt with collectively, but not alone? 

And we’re going to what... retcon all of that? By bringing destiel into this, all the reasons I haven’t shipped it and I’ve considered Cas to be one of the most insidious abusers in this show are what? What am I supposed to do with them? 

It’s no fucking wonder the script says Dean can’t reciprocate! Because how could he? How can they really justify Dean expressing his frustration at being manipulated and lied to for 11 years at the beginning of the season and expressing undying romantic love at the end of the season? 

But this isn’t about narrative sense. It’s about an ending. The whole season is about endings... and writings... and god and death to the author... The metas flying around about “god” and “the writers” are all spot on... And so, it doesn’t matter. The message is the story is what we make it, not what they do. And therefore, they call upon destiel as the greatest example of the fandom finding a story within the story that wasn’t being told. 

Except that’s not true. Because it has been being told, just not with any intention of payoff. It’s been queerbaited and intentionally so. “It’s not queerbaiting if they make it canon” is a lie. It is still queerbaiting if they never intended to make it canon! And it’s not okay. 

But here I am, two episodes to go and then that’s it. There are no other opportunities for them to make canon honor that unspoken promise to the viewers. This is it. And endings do matter. Despite the message of the season being generally that endings aren’t important. That the story, the push and pull, the free will of the characters to run away with the story and bring the writers and audience to new places, the interaction between audience and story and the life they run away with, that those are the important parts of stories and storytelling... But that just isn’t true. It’s a romantic notion that endings are just silly things we tack on our stories that confine us, that the real stories are within us... but we consume these stories for the payoff of the ending. An unsatisfactory ending can completely ruin a work; just ask HIMYM. 

So then this is my last chance... My last chance to feel the release of payoff of a relationship I was intentionally inspired to care about without an intention of payoff. This is my last chance of vindication for all that emotional time and energy spent. 

So I’m hopeful and I’m transported back to 2012 and 2013 when I cared. When I believed. When every week felt like a possibility. When it felt like it could really happen. And most importantly, when I wanted it to. Because I do want it to now. I have actively not wanted it to for 6 years, but now is my last chance and it very well might happen so now... I want it.. 

And the way they did it... With giving Cas his moment, but leaving it open for interpretation... IT’S SO CALLBACK QUEERBAIT. AND callback toxic Cas. Cas lays this on Dean and then yeets off? And tells Dean that it’s because Cas loves him that he’s going? Every single part of Dean’s emotional history and trauma makes that evil, but Cas does it to him? And I’m hoping he’s not mad for the sake of the payoff of the relationship?!?!?!??!?! 

Are you fucking kidding me?

And then also I wanna circle back to the queerbait of it all. Misha acknowledged today that there’s some room for interpretation here. And I don’t know how that gets resolved in the final two episodes, if it does... BUT THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT!!! I will be watching live, as it airs, for the first time in 7 years, one week before I intended mind you, because I’m being baited with the promise and hope of explicit payoff that doesn’t leave room for interpretation???? And that’s not queerbaiting??? 

The whole thing is ridiculous and manipulative and just generally awful, but I’m eating it up because I don’t really have the luxury of another choice. Because hoping for payoff is the best option I’ve got. 

I hope I get to justify my past self and see all of that payoff and feel that vindication for the part of me that loved destiel, but I consider destiel to be the number 1 thing that ruined the show for me. So it will be a hollow victory, for sure. And that’s if there’s even a victory, which isn’t a guarantee. 

I just feel so used right now. 

[roronoasanjii]

I thought it was a shame to just leave this in a folder and never do anything with it so here’s an old Critical Role fic idea I came up with. It’s only written like notes but I still really like it.

Hope you enjoy!

Caleb is in the witness protection scheme. He killed his parents when he was younger (thirteen) and they sent him away and changed his name to protect him after he spent a couple of years in a mental health facility. He came out the other side of it feeling better than he did, but still majorly suffering from depression.

Caleb is an orphan, through his own doing, and none of his family wanted anything to do with him so he is now in foster care.

He has a deep British-German mix accent.

He attends the same high school as the gang, having being enrolled there when he left the mental health facility and came to live at the group home. He struggled to make friends out of fear of anyone knowing who he was, but he comes to be friends with a guy called Mollymauk in his classes who then further introduces him to the rest of the gang.

Caleb hasn't been fostered when we first meet him, he's still in a group home which he hates, and the gang notice this so they try as much as possible to keep Caleb away from there by inviting him out, or round to their houses.

At some point Caleb is fostered and the gang immediately notice that he seems different; he's barely said anything to any of them since they arrived at school. Molly is sent over to talk because they're not stupid; they know that Caleb seems to be at his calmest around Molly.

Caleb tells Molly what's happening and he offers reassurance, telling Caleb that at least this means he's going to get out of the group home

Caleb is fostered by a woman called Veth. At first glance, it's obvious that this woman is overly keen about the prospect of having a child, despite the fact that Caleb is anything but, now seventeen.

Caleb notices how out of touch with society Veth is, but not from her own doing. People look at her and judge heavily for reasons that he can't fathom, but it happens quite regularly.

He hears crying one night and tiptoes down the stairs to hear Veth talking in the kitchen quietly to herself. Caleb overhears her talking about a son and a husband, which he realises are the missing pieces in this house that should be there but aren't. It's also pretty clear that she's been on her own until she fostered Caleb.

Caleb isn't stupid. He sees the link between the clearly grieving broken mother who needs a replacement for the child she lost and him. Caleb believes there's nothing more to it which doesn't help him feel more at home, instead doing the exact opposite because he doesn't know who she wants him to be.

Veth tries her hardest and makes sure to try and allow Caleb to feel safe in the house, but he still struggles with the balance of it all and the sheer amount of changes in his life of late. Upon noticing this, Veth asks him if he's okay and manages to wriggle out of him the fact that he overheard her in the kitchen. She puts two and two together and correctly guesses that he thinks he's a replacement.

His accent slips, falling away in his fear.

"Luke was my child, and I love him... But you are not Luke."

Caleb feels like this is it, this is the moment when he gets sent back to the group home again, he's blown it already because he dared to even compare himself to Veth’s own flesh and blood son. Caleb kicks himself for being so stupid, but Veth isn't finished.

"I fostered you because you are a kind young man with a bright future ahead of him that just needed someone in his life who cared. You're not a replacement and you were never meant to be one. I don't want you to be Luke; I just want you to be Caleb."

Caleb nods and accepts a hug from Veth when she offers him one. She has noticed the change in accent.

"Is that German?"

"Yes." He clears his throat. "I'm uh, I'm German. My parents moved here when I was very young."

"So why where you doing that accent?"

"I think we're both a little scared of what people would say to us. I learnt quickly that children are unkind, the others at school would tease me and call me horrible names, and then my parents… passed away and I went into the system. No one wanted to foster some weird German kid, and I hated myself so I changed my accent trying to make myself a different person. I wanted to be anyone else but me, but I couldn't.”

Veth strokes a hand down his cheek and smiles.

"Like I said, I just want you to be Caleb. You can speak however you like here."

"It's just, strange, you know, after all this time."

"Well whatever you come to decide, it will sound lovely either way."

The two become closer after this.

Veth and Caleb do something together that he really ends up enjoying. Veth comments that it's the first time she's seen him smile, which only makes Caleb smile more, because it's true, he truly had a good time. But that only just makes Caleb head worse because now the thoughts come back about how he doesn't deserve to be happy because of what he did.

He starts to isolate himself which scares Veth, and he barely talks to her. She becomes more and more worried about him until she calls his social worker to ask for advice.

When Caleb returns home from school to see his social worker's car parked outside he immediately becomes panicked. Going inside confirms the sight of his social worker and that's when he immediately feels betrayed. He thought things were going well with Veth and he was seriously trying his hardest to make it all work but now she's abandoning him just like everyone else.

Caleb runs off, unaware of the actual reasoning behind the visit and Veth panics. Her and the social worker rush to try and find him, which Veth eventually does. He's covered in mud and soaked through when she comes across him, curled up under a tree and sobbing. She pulls him into a huge hug and she fusses about how he's silly for running away and how he could have gotten hurt, or pneumonia, or worse and Caleb feels so much guilt in that moment because he remembers their conversation about Luke.

Veth lost her husband and child in a way that left her feeling useless because how they died was out of her control. There's nothing she could have done to save them because she wasn't even there when it happened, she found out afterwards when they had already passed.

Caleb connects the dots to realise that a lot of Veth's responses to things he does probably stem from never wanting to lose someone ever again if she has a way of preventing it. So when he walks home in the dark, if anything happened to him she would always know that she could very easily have gone and picked him up if she'd known, or when he runs off without any warning that anything could happen to him and she wouldn't know before it was too late, exactly like Luke and her husband.

Veth tells him that there is nothing that would ever make her give him up. Ever. Caleb nods, feeling a little better, but ultimately knowing that if she knew the truth, she would get rid of him in a heartbeat. He makes a pact with himself to stop unintentionally giving Veth a heart attack by accepting her offers on things such as lifts because it clearly gives her peace of mind.

At one point the gang notice bandages or bracelets, or just a slip of Caleb’s sleeves that reveal scars on his arms. They immediately presume the worse and panic. They try talking to him about it which doesn't go well at all. Caleb leaves the school and walks all the way home in the rain in his big brown coat and scarf that Veth bought him - his most treasured possessions along with the books that she has gotten him too.

When Veth gets home she knows something is wrong and asks if Caleb wants to talk about it. Caleb declines but Veth sorta’ doubles down saying that she really needs to know because she's worried. In a moment of bravery, Caleb pulls up his sleeve to reveal the scars on his arm and rope marks on his wrist.

Caleb tells her that he didn't do this but then nicely asks her to not ask any more questions than that, which she reluctantly agrees. She then takes out her tablet and starts tapping away. When Caleb asks what she's doing, Veth is looking for ways in which he can cover them up because she can see how much they upset Caleb to look at. Caleb is overcome with a feeling of love due to how just genuinely lovely she is. He thinks he doesn't deserve her.

Veth tells Caleb, who's in his room feeling shitty, that she has a surprise for him. Caleb is curious as Veth pushes open the door a little more to reveal, a cat. Apparently Veth adopted her for Caleb, hoping she might help him when he's feeling down or upset.

Caleb falls head over fucking heels in love with this cat immediately, naming her Frumpkin for no particular reason other than he can. The two become practically inseparable.

On the anniversary of the murders there is a news report which plays on TV, Caleb is at somebody's house when it does and he just immediately panics because he hears everything and it makes him feel sick to the point where he sprints to the bathroom and pukes heavily and violently, breaking down in sobs. Molly comes to the bathroom to check on him and they talk, Caleb doesn't admit anything and Molly doesn't push him to, admitting that this can stay between them and the others don't have to know so they don't start questioning him.

Caleb goes home, stating not feeling well as his reason for leaving early. He walks back, which Veth once again tells him off for, pointing out that its black dark outside and anything could've happened to him. She rants at him in a mother-henning way for a couple of minutes before taking a breath and pulling him into a hug. That's when Caleb breaks down in apologies, begging Veth not to get rid of him.

Veth cements the fact that she will never do that, but states that she thinks it's time that he tells her what's really going on in that head of his. Caleb tells her that he can't, but as she progressively looks more and more hurt by feeling like a bad parent and shut out by him, Caleb eventually caves.

"My name was Bren Aldric Ermendrud."

Caleb tells her about how they put him in a mental health facility for a few years, and the older woman helped him. This woman asked Caleb what he was in for and in his absolute lowest state, tells her the truth of what happened, admitting that he was groomed to do it by a man named Trent Ikithon who lied to him about so many things. The woman, being the first and only person he has ever opened to about it, tells Caleb that he was only young when it happened, and that it wasn’t his fault. Yes he may have committed the act, but he wasn't in the right headspace, and was made to do it by an adult. This led to Caleb feeling a little better for the first time and her encouragement for him to accept therapy didn't fall on deaf ears with Caleb doing exactly that meaning that he ended up being discharged early.

Caleb tells Veth everything and feels sick once again after doing so, not able to look her in the eye. There is silence in the living room of the house for a painful amount of time before Veth just smushes him into an absolutely enormous hug and tells him firmly that the woman in the facility was right, it wasn't his fault, and that the true blame lies in the hands of Trent.

Veth puts two and two together with the scars, which Caleb admits is true, Trent did that to him. She asks him what he’d like to be called, and he states that he still wishes to be known as Caleb

After this, the two only become stronger, their bond growing as does their protectiveness of one-another.

Caleb and Molly's relationship grows too as they become strong friends, Molly looking out for him on days when he really needed a friend. All is going well until Caleb arrives at school one morning to a tense, horrible atmosphere.

There are a lot of tearful looking eyes and sad faces. Caleb, confused and worried finds the gang to ask what's going over. He notices Molly's older brother, Caduceus from the year above.

"What happened?"

Jester deflates as she sighs, wordlessly pulls him into a hug. As he pulls away, Caleb notices the ostentatious missing member of their group.

"Where's Molly?"

Caduceus scrubs a shaky hand down his chin, clearing his throat.

"He uh… he died. Last night."

Caleb's breath catches in his throat as his hand flies to his mouth, shaking his head as tears come to his eyes.

"No…"

Caduceus pulls him close and hugs him, getting emotional himself.

"Everything was normal and ordinary until it wasn't. Molly coughed up blood, Mom took him to the hospital… and an hour later he was dead... just like that." Caduceus takes a breath to compose himself, clearing his throat once again. "Our Aunt is planning a memorial service, you guys are all invited. You don't have to do speeches and all that if you don't want to but the choice is yours. You know Molly; he would've loved all this fuss. No doubt he would have applauded the pageantry of it all."

"Oh." Caleb opens his satchel and takes out the large notebook Veth bought him. From the mess of papers and coursework handouts in the back he flicks through them until he arrives at a purple coloured sheet. "Here."

Caduceus takes the piece of paper, unfolding it.

"It's Molly's favourite poem, he uh, he wrote it out for me in English class because he said I was uncultured for having never experienced Yeats."

"Thanks, this is perfect for the memorial. Are you sure you don't want to keep this?"

"If you want it you can have it. If not, you can give it back to me at the end of the service, I don't mind which."

Caleb is unsurprisingly quiet after Molly's death. Veth looks after him, so does Frumpkin, the ginger tabby having become accustomed to lying across Caleb's shoulders, tail hanging down over his chest.

As if she knew of his sadness, Frumpkin made sure to stay close, never leaving Caleb's sight when she felt he might need her.

The gang all attend the memorial. It is held in the local park Molly loved. A thin layer of snow had fallen that morning providing a beautiful backdrop. Beside the purple flower beds, a large tree branch had been stabbed into the ground, Molly's eccentric coat draped over it, blowing gently in the wind.

Caleb doesn't make a speech and he feels like a traitor for not being able to man enough to do it, but he feels a hand reach close and take hold of his own with a gentle squeeze. Beau. She had been a godsend in the past week or so since Molly's death.

Despite the fact that they famously didn't really seem to ever get on at high school, Beau had gone above and beyond to make sure he was okay, offering him someone to talk to, and being there for him when he just needed to let it all out.

After the memorial, Caleb struggles with both the finality of saying goodbye to Molly and the sight of the flames from the barbecue set up to serve food, the scent causing him to gag a little as he walks off through the park to the tree Molly used to read beside. Caduceus follows him over.

"You doing okay, Mr. Caleb?"

"Why do you call me that?"

"I don't know. You've always been quite an enigma so it seemed fitting, plus, I know irritates you so there's that too." Caduceus answered with a smirk before offering a soft smile. "Molly wouldn't want you to be crying. Try and think about all the good times rather than the bad, that's how he'd want you to remember him."

"I know it is, it's just…"

"It's hard I know, but you're not alone in this, you have people who care about you, myself included. Don't think that you can't talk."

"Thanks, Cad."

He nods, clapping Caleb on the shoulder.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Caduceus reaches into his pocket and hands the contents to Caleb.

"What's this?"

"A letter from Molly and his tarot cards, he wanted you to have them. He was always talking about you being a little lost, maybe they just might help. I don't know... Molly was into this bullshit more than I was.” Caduceus smirks before walking back over to the other guests.

 Caleb takes a breath before opening the small folded piece of paper clearly from a hospital notepad. Clearing his throat he begins to read.

'Hey Cay,

I'm stuck in here puking my guts up and something tells me that it's not looking good for me. Fucking cards.

I haven't got much paper so be prepared for tiny handwriting, I'm sure you'll manage.

Anyway, the first thing I wanna say is, you're cute, and if I wasn't slowly internally bleeding to death then there's no doubt I wouldn't have tried wooing you eventually.

Second, stop being so afraid of everything and live your fucking life dude. It's feeling more and more like you're gonna' have to live it for the both of us so get out there and do shit. Kiss a girl, kiss a boy, tell Veth how much she means to you, get yourself adopted, accept more invites from the gang, get some therapy for that old noggin of yours, I don't know, just promise me you'll not block everyone out. That's what worries me most about potentially dying, you not going to the others for help because I'm not there anymore to come to you. Please, don't be alone.

I hope someday we'll meet each other again.

Take care of my brother for me.

Love,

Molly x'

Emotionally wrecked after the memorial and reading Molly's letter, Caleb actually calls Veth to get a lift home for once rather than just walking. Weirdly though, he doesn't get an answer, the phone just ringing and ringing. Finding that strange, Caleb grabs a ride from Fjord and Jester.

When he walks in, the light is on in the kitchen and Veth is sitting at the table holding a bag of peas to her face, one arm huddled proactively to her chest.

Caleb enters to see her covered in bruises, anger flaring immediately.

"Who did this?" He asks low and furious.

"Caleb, I'm fine."

"You're not fine, you're hurt. Someone did this to you and you need to tell me who that person is."

“It's just a bump."

“It's more than a bump! People treat you like you're below them and I hate it. They stare, they judge, they whisper shit, it's vile! You shouldn't have to deal with that.”

“That's my concern, not yours.”

“Why are you so calm about this, someone nearly broke your fucking arm. Get mad about this, get angry.”

“And what would that achieve?”

“I don't know, more than just sitting around waiting for the next person to hurt you.” He shouts before scrubbing a hand down his face, keeping his hand over his mouth as he shakes. “I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, I shouted and I didn't mean to… I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” His weak tone whimpers as he drops down to one of the seats around the table and cries.

“Caleb, it's okay.”

“It's not okay. Nothing is okay, everything's just shit and it makes me so angry sometimes, and it scares me. I don't want to be that person.”

Veth stands up from the table and walks round to Caleb, wrapping her good arm around him in a hug, gently resting her chin on the top of his head.

“What you are, is a sweet boy who cares about everyone and never wants to see anyone he loves hurt. That is a blessing not a curse. You have a big heart, Caleb, and that's a beautiful thing.”

After this point, Caleb stands up for Veth a lot more in situations where people are being awful towards her.

When one of Veth's brothers, Morrell visits, he patronisingly talks about how it's good that she now has Caleb to look after her.

"You know, Nottie, if you feel safer having Caleb protecting you, maybe you could start doing more, rather than just alternating between work and being in the house all day."

"I think there's a bit of misconception here. Caleb and I have a very special relationship. It is that of a parent and a child, regardless of the fact that he isn't technically mine. But I am the parent in this situation. It's my job to protect him. He's my boy, and I keep him safe. I want him to thrive, and get better at school, and grow into the wonderful young man I know he's going to be, because he can achieve great things.’ She takes a breath. ‘When I fostered him he was a scared little boy who was afraid to speak up out of fear of being hurt, and tried to act invisible in case one wrong move landed him back at the group home. As we have gotten more comfortable, he has gotten more comfortable and come out of his shell. It's my job to protect him, because I love him, and I am his parent. It is not his job to protect me."

Morrell nods.

"I'll admit; I had the wrong idea about the two of you. Caleb sounds like a good kid."

"He is." Veth nods. "He's going to be a great man someday."

"He will."

"Does he know that you think of him as a son?"

Veth shakes her head.

"Maybe you should let him know, it might make him feel a little better, especially after everything that's happened recently, he needs you more than ever."

"I'll talk to him."

Before she has the chance to do so, Caleb’s world gets shattered once again.

Caleb is looking around the house for Frumpkin. Unable to find him he goes outside to hear a pained meow from just beyond the driveway. There lies Frumpkin, who has clearly been hit by a car that hasn’t even stopped to check to see if she was okay.

Caleb panics at this point, bundling Frumpkin into his arms and grabbing his phone. He knows Veth is at work so he calls Fjord and Jester instead begging for their help. Jester stays on the phone with him to try and reassure him and keep him calm while the two of them drive over, pick Caleb up, and take him to the vets where they try and save her.

Long story short, the vets won’t operate on Frumpkin unless they are paid upfront for the medical costs, its company policy no matter how much they want to help the cat. The amount of money they would need is beyond substantial, and it’s money that a fucking orphaned foster kid like Caleb just doesn’t have, and he knows Veth doesn’t have it either so he refuses to ask, knowing that she’s already done too much for him anyway by just having to deal with his shit in the first place.

While Caleb is being comforted by Jester, Fjord discreetly calls Veth from Caleb’s phone (which he got Jester to sneakily swipe), and tells her what is happening. She rushes down to the vets to find Caleb in the back room of the vets sitting on top of the doctor’s table with Frumpkin curled up on his lap, hugging her gently.

Hating to see her boy so broken, she goes back to the vets in the lobby and begs them to accept a smaller down payment, even saying they can charge interest on the other payments too if they have to. The head vet, who seems to be the owner agrees and Veth partially pays.

A confused Caleb is practically dragged kicking and screaming from the backroom, desperate to be with Frumpkin, and Veth manages to get him calmed down, telling him that they’re going to try and save Frumpkin.

"What? But… how?"

"I paid them."

Caleb looks torn.

"No, you shouldn’t… you shouldn’t have done that, you don’t have the money and I can’t ask you to do that for me. It’s just a cat, I can get another one."

But Veth knows that’s not true. Caleb is too infatuated with that cat to ever think that way, he’s just trying to not take up space, something he has a history of being very good at.

"Frumpkin is your friend, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her with us. Fuck the money, I can think of no better use for it then saving family."

Caleb looks stunned in that moment, wide eyed and astonished as he wordlessly wraps his arms tight around Veth.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you."

The vets manage to save Frumpkin and if he wasn’t already, Caleb becomes even more protective of her, making sure she’s okay after all her surgeries. When they’re allowed to take her home, Caleb is soft and kind with her, not letting her out of his sight.

On a lovely sunny day, Caleb decides that Frumpkin needs some fresh air. With the stitches gone and her feeling a lot better, they take a walk together slowly round the neighbourhood. Veth wasn't home when they left but there was a note from her on the counter saying that she would be back soon.

As they walk past the church, Caleb notices Veth knelt down beside a small grave in the graveyard with a book open on her lap. He debates on whether to just keep walking and let her have her privacy, but ultimately decides that she might someone with her.

As he approaches, Veth notices the two of them and smiles.

The grave is marked:

‘In loving memory of Luke Brenatto’

Caleb notices the lack of her husband's name.

"If it's none of my business just tell me to shut up, but why isn't your husband’s name on here too?"

Veth looks a little confused at first before she understands why Caleb would think the way he does.

"When Luke and Yeza were involved in that accident, neither were expected to live. It took a long time for the paramedics to arrive and even longer to get them out. Luke… he didn't make it, but they managed to get Yeza stabilised. The man I spoke to in that hospital wasn't my husband. He was cold as if a part of him had died with Luke, and it probably had. Yeza packed up and left after Luke's funeral and I've never heard from him since."

"That's awful."

"People deal with loss in different ways. Some grieve a little, some grieve a lot, and some just never get over it at all. Yeza was one of those people." Veth turns to look at the gravesite which has fresh flowers beside it as well as a weathered toy bear and various tealights in brightly coloured holders. "Every so often I come out here and I read to him. I know that probably sounds weird but it helps."

Caleb shakes his head.

"No, it doesn't sound weird at all, I'm sure Luke loves it, wherever he is."

The social worker visits go well every time until the all-important one approaches, the meeting about what Caleb is going to do once he turns eighteen and becomes a ward of the state, free to leave the system and live on his own independently.

Caleb truthfully admits that he doesn't know what he's going to do, and that he hasn't put much thought into it. This is when Veth offers him another option. She wants to adopt him.

Caleb doesn't know how to react and looks terrified, mostly out of fear of her changing her mind, which leads to Veth once again reiterating the point that she loves him as her own and would never ever give him up. Caleb is her son through and through, and that she wants to make it official.

Caleb accepts and the paperwork is completed for the adoption to become official.

[cominguproses13x]

Today’s Thoughts:

I really really appreciate anyone who has shared what they think, be it anonymously or publicly. All opinions have helped, and I am going to try to find the time to respond to each one.

I just thought I’d clear some things up, because I was quite overwhelmed last night and chaotic.

I never considered changing the actual ending of the story. It is all written and it won’t be changed. I’m happy with it as a story.

If the story wasn’t already finished, I don’t think I would have found the motivation to finish it now. I am so fucking glad that the last sentence was written before this started.

The reason I am so hesitant about posting it all at once is, honestly, I like reading what people thought of each chapter. Each one is over 10k so it really is helpful to hear what people took from it and it’s a really fulfilling part of it. I’ve always said, writing the story was for me. Publicising it was for other people. I don’t get a lot out of it- comments are perhaps the only thing I like about that part of the experience. Even the critical comments, they give me a lot as a writer. That’s why I said I very selfishly don’t want to release it all. It’d be so much content and I’d get very little feedback for it. Again, I don’t particularly mind what feedback that is. I just don’t like seeing the hit count go up and having radio silence once my work is out there. It makes me feel dirty and like the effort was for nothing. Maybe even used? I don’t know. Again, I’m very probably a narcissist. 

As a reader, I never used to tell the writer what I thought. But it’s so so important in terms of interaction between reader and writer. Otherwise how will we know if what we have produced is a story worth telling at all y’know?

Some have suggested I release the story and then delete it. And I get that. I do. But I think that would be a horrible thing for me personally. To see all of that time and effort be consumed and then put in the trash, hidden, something to be ashamed of. I don’t know, I think that would just make me feel worse about it all. Again, personal opinion.

Some have said make it private, only let some people read it. But again, that removes the discourse, the feedback.

Fanfiction is free and I really believe it should be. Like it’s very mediocre writing, why the fuck should I gain financially off the backs of many others? But that is not to say that content should just be freely consumed without any recognition or acknowledgement of the creators. I want people to talk to me about what they think. I want the fucking discourse. People like @logicaldaydream and @jasperjoordan and the users who regularly comment on each chapter (eg randombellarke, @fearingdark, @wolfheartgirl​ etc- literally don’t think I don’t read them every time and cherish them) are the ones who have kept me committed to publishing it (Not writing it. I have kept me committed to writing it. A distinction worth making.)

The sad truth is, I can’t engage with my story in the way that I did before. I am staying quite neutral on the drama and even I still can’t look at Bob the same way. I can’t look at Bellamy the same way. That’s a personal perspective, I know many do not struggle with the separation but I have. If I could choose not to, I would.

I’ve considered rewriting with OCs. But in reality, this story is too mediocre to have any success as it’s own book. It’s a fanfiction. It relies on familiar relationships and preestablished connections to characters. Some might say it doesn’t, but honestly, it does. I know some fan fictions can be successfully altered in that way but I do not believe mine can.

At the end of the day, I’m fucking angry. I put time into putting characters I loved into a world I created and those faces have been marred forever by this. Whether the allegations are true or false, I’ll always remember this experience when I reflect on the Bellarke fan base.

And I’m not going to let this ruin the story I was telling.

What sucks is I doubt anyone else will bother to start reading it, and I doubt many will bother to continue. I know I for sure wouldn’t want to. Really I would not blame anyone for ditching this fic, at all.

But these last few chapters deserve to be up there with the rest of them.

Fuck Beliza. Fuck the entire community for making their personal lives our issue. Fuck the 100 and it’s problematic crew.

I’ll be posting chapters every couple of days from now on. Please read them if you ever enjoyed the story. Please comment and tell me what you thought of each because I don’t want this story to be made into a weird thing to be ashamed of, only to be read in the middle of the night when no one is looking, dirty secret kind of thing.

I am not responsible for the actions of Beliza/Arryn and I am fuming that my story feels tainted to me now because of them.

If this is just as messy and self-indulgent as the last post, I apologize. What I’m trying to say is, I’m selfishly disappointed that my story is going to lose a wide part of its readership, that the chapters I am most proud of are going to go either ignored and forgotten about or read and consumed without any interaction (kudos/comments) because people don’t know how to interact in this fandom now, myself included. Again, I do not blame that at all. I feel it very strongly myself.

I’m a working cog in a broken machine and I feel wasted. I think many content creators are now being wasted. Bellarke was the main inspiration for many of us and I’m not even that deeply affected by the allegations because I know that Beliza are not Bellarke. I’m more deeply affected by the current state of the 100 community. 

I think that’s all I have to say for now. I am bitterly sorry about what’s happened. 

Ending this story will be a good way to say goodbye for me, and I hope in a year or two when the show develops new audiences, my story won’t be tainted for them, like it is for the ones here currently.

If this has seemed pretentious, obnoxious, overly self-indulgent, I am not intending to sound that way. I just wanted to vocalize my attitudes to clear it up for myself to be honest.

- Em x

[shay11a]

New Rules, an overly long review

Alright, let’s do this.

I’ll just start with a little disclaimer that english is not my first language and although I’m usually fluent-ish some of my sentences might not translate very well from french, so please bear with me. Also this i like barely edited so sorry about the mistakes.

I’m here to talk about my favorite fanfiction, not only in this fandom, but in all fandom (and trust me, I’m a part of a lot of fandoms), and of all the fanfictions I’ve ever read (and trust me I’ve read a lot) : New Rules by the amazing @tayegi

The first time I read, I binge read it, but make no mistake, I don’t mean that I rushed though the story in one day, oh no, I mean I couldn’t do anything else, every minute of my day that I wasn’t in class or adulting, I was reading it, but it’s one of those rare fictions where I knew I was reading something just that good that I needed to make it last as much as possible. Imagine my struggle, balancing the need to know what was going to happen next and my visceral need to make it last as much as possible because I knew I could never experience this first reading again. 

That’s how much I love this story.

Unfortunetaly, there came a time I caught up.

So I re-read it.

Again.

And Again.

To this day, I often come back to it, re-reading entirely or picking up at any point to enjoy again a moment that I particularly like. I do this often with fiction I particularly liked, but one thing that I find amazing with NR is that, contrary to most fic, no matter where I pick up, I know what is happening, what happened before that, because the plot is just so wonderfully crafted that everything has consequences, every character is relevant and their actions have consequences that they are held accountable to by the plot (dunno is this makes sense but it does in my native language sorry) I regret not posting a review under every chapter as I read, it was selfish on my part, but I needed to continue, I have some notes from this review at the end but they lack the specificity of first impressions, I apologize for that. 

I also have to mention that this review is NOT spoiler free so if you want to read it please, PLEASE New Rules before that there is absolutely NO way that you won’t thank me (and Tayegi of course) afterwards, and don’t ‘I don’t mind spoilers’ me this story DESERVES to be read spoiler free.

Alright, buckle up kiddos, let’s do this.

I. The writing

The way the plot unveils is downright cathartic. I recently re-read it entirely to make this review and going back to the first chapters and seing how everything just MAKES SENSE and how a small thing happening has consequences over everything later. Just HUH brilliant. (I’m thinking about OC’s crush on Jimin here and how through the prism of Mijoo we later see that her crush was her projecting // Jin, now THAT’S WRITING) 

The smut, how do I put it, is bomb but it doesn’t feel like smut smut, it feels like actual sex described, not idealized and in my opinion it just adds to the quality of the story, because sex is an essential part of the story, not something added to satiate the hormones of horny readers (as an ex-horny teenager, I want to thank people writing this kind of smut and say that there is nothing wrong with writing this kind of smut) or just for the sake of it because apparently having sex is the culminating point of a relationship. Sex scenes tell a story as much as argument scenes, if not more. First, because as a sex friends to lover AU (smh) it is inherently part of the story but also because the characters don’t just stop having a backstory, emotions and emotional baggage when they have sex, all those things are still present and they influence the way they act in bed. And THAT is satisfying to read.  

On many occasions, in the fanfic writing community, you can hear (read?) people saying, « this fiction could / should be published like an actual book » I’m not here to further the debate on real literature, fanfiction and so what not, but this fiction is one that, more importantly than it being published, I feel like I could study in english class, take an extract and study the amazing characterization, how the scene furthers the plot, what are the literary devices used to do so. I feel like I could study the running metaphors, the sub plots and how they correlate so well to the main plot and further the characterization of a character, the plot itself or something else. Everything feels like a neatly knitted masterpiece. 

In that aspect, one scene that I particularly liked was the one where OC is hidden listening to JK and Hyejin, and as she hears what he says, she crushes the rose in her hand. It’s such a simple and yet telling idea: her bourgeoning love and hope for a romantic relationship symbolized by the ultimate romantic symbol : a rose, and JK’s words make her try and crush those feelings, but she hurts herself doing so, because the action itself is a painful one — trying to refrain hope / trying to suffocate feelings — but also because love, just like roses has thorns that may hurt, that’s why JK is so afraid of committing it seems, and the irony is that he is doing exactly that to someone else. (My explanation is so messy plfnmesdmflfmqf sorry)

One recurring idea/plot device that I have noticed is the one of misunderstanding / misreading each others. OC and JK constantly misread each others (I’m thinking about the scene in the bar where she rubs his back affectionately and he interprets it in a sexual way) and idk but something about this really hits me hard, because it’s human, so inherently human, this makes the characters feel like human beings not fictional archetypes. Because in real life, we can’t take a step back and have a view of the bigger picture the way we can as an omniscient reader who remembers very well what one said or did earlier that explains their behavior. In real life we dont know and cannot guess why people act a certain way based on some hinted at tragic backstory that would explain their commitment issues.

On a lighter note, the writing is just so freaking FUNNY, like I can’t count how many times I cackled like an idiot reading. + Tayegi has a way of cutting from scenes to scenes or from dialogue to dialogue that is just so FUNNY (if it was a movie I would talk about editing because it’s exactly how it feels, like when you got A saying ‘I will never do that’ and it cuts and the next frame is A doing exactly that)

More on the writing in the notes for every chapter further below.

II. Feminism, social justice and me relating to everything 

Ok this part is going to be a bit more personal but I had to address how much main girl and her struggles resonated with me. As a feminist myself I VERY often struggles with the same problem : that is when my beliefs come brutally crashing with the social constructs I have internalized and have yet to deconstruct as well as the people surrounded me who don’t necessarily share the same belief. And the way Tayegi portrayed this is spot on not to say borderline genius. 

Her mixed feelings when facing Hoseok « not like other girls » comments or the conversation where she struggles to explain why she is fucking the notorious fuckboy despite her talks about hook-up culture were punches in the guts to me, because feminists are always the ones to be criticized the most easily (I am aware that my phrasing here is horrendous but I don’t know how to word this differently again sorry English is not my native language) and the slightest slip-up will be pointed at by people who aren’t even feminist but see an easy way to gaslight them. So, to read this, to read another woman facing the same situations and being as utterly upset and sometime powerless as I felt, god was it cathartic. 

And don’t get me started on the way she always ALWAYS sticks by her principles of sorority, even to the women that have been nothing less than mean to her and how hard it is to support other women when we live in a society that always pit women against each others. I FELT that. But nevertheless main girl tries to, she compliments Somin on her dress, Hiejin as well even though they both have been openly hostile (and even mean sometimes) to her. I truly felt this, all theses little moments, just a sentence here and there, but I felt them in my guts.

III. The characters 

The characters, oh god, the characters. OC ? Marry me. JK? Marry me (also I want to slap him but it’s another story). Taehyung ? Marry me. Mijoo? Marry me.   

The relationship between OC and her BFF is in my opinion one of the best thing about the pic and one that really remarks it from other, the twist about twist alsmot made me believe it would be like every other pic where oc ends up with virtually no friend (especially female ones because like everyone know girls cause drama riiiight ) but it happens so early ? How could it ooooh it’s not like that, OC and her BFF and mature enough to discuss it, it still has  consequences, the scene where OC accuses BFF of pushing her onto Jk to make herself feel better about jimmy still gives me chills because, yeah, it makes sens that she would, and it kinda feels like she did with how insistant she has been, but again, we are told the story from OC’s perspective, so obviously she feels bad when BFF insists that her and JK are meant to be bc she knows that JK wouldn’t date her, but again, as readers, we can kinda see from BFF perspective, they indeed look perfect for one another and only misunderstanding and insecurities and Jk’s past seems to be in the way (okay granted when you say it like that it seems like a lot), but in the end, Mijoo also seems genuine in the way she pushes them together, even though, yeah she might have, consciously or not done it for that reason.

i don’t know if I want a happy ending for OC and JK, I want one because they are so good and sweet together and after everything they’ve been through I feel like they sort of deserve it, but after everything they’ve been through, especially the way JK has behaved, it seems hard for a happy ending to happen. I feel like it’s going to take a lot of time and talking (including his backstory that has been hinted at a few times wink wink) for them to work things out, if they work things out.

I’ve mentioned that before but : THE SORORITY oh lord where do I start? OC standing up for Hyejin and Somin even when they had a few rough patches, sign me the fuck UP. OC not turning totally on her best friend Mijoo (my girl btw) and overlooking their friendship and what she had done for her in the time of Jin because Mijoo made a selfish mistake ? Yes please, MORE.

Hoseok is, in my opinion, spot ON. It took me some time to exactly pin point who he reminded me of but then I realized he is exactly what I call the 'apolitical guy’, who is convinced to not have controversial opinion and would deny ever having prejudice when he clearly has (i.e. the scene where Oc calls him out on his misogynie

I have to admit that Hyejin and Somin are amongst my favorites because even though the plot (and the fact that we are basically supposed to be on OC’s side as the story is told from her perspective)  makes them very unsympathetic, your writing allows us to understand their actions and empathize with them. Learning about Hyejin’s past with JK makes her look like the character of a fan fiction where she could have been the main character unfortunately for her, this is OC’s story so Hyejin can’t get the guy in the end. But truly, her backstory feels like an entire other ff in the story and to be honest basically every other character’s backstory as well as the subplots feel this way. And Somin, well Somin is basically going through the same thing as OC but with Hoseok so how can we mock her for it while crying for OC ? That’s impossible and that’s why your writing is so powerful, there is no clear ‘bad guy’ (appart from J*n but who cares about that roquefort face) and everyone is in that gray, humane area. 

Every character has so many layer (I don’t count JK and OC in this because at this point we can’t talk about layers anymore it’s a damn millefeuille) and getting to discover more about them is amazing. 

Basically, every side character reflects something on OC and JK and further the plot, the themes while feeling like their own individuals with their own complex thoughts and problems and I think that’s fucking brilliant. 

And now onto my notes for every chapter (it’s low-key very messy sorry)

Chapter 1 :

Lord to thing that it started with a simple friend request :’)

I love how in the very first line, OC telling Mijoo how she knows JK instantly characterizes him to the reader, it’s smart BUT also characterize OC as someone quick witted and serious/professional but also very sarcastic, funny and taking no shit from anyone. Incipit done well here. I mean, so much exposition is crammed into the very first lines but it just feels soooo natural!

I also love how the dynamic between Mijoo and OC can appear « basic » but will later be revealed to be so much more complex and profound and that’s basically how everything in this fic just keep getting better and more complex as you read.

Also, I love how OC and JK’s first encounter is because they are both trying to help their best friends, I missed it in the first reading but it’s so telling of their characters. Also I appreciate OC not hating on JK just because she hates him from afar and he suddenly notices her and gets turned on by that (like in a lot of ff let’s not lie, I love myself some bad boy!AU but it’s getting redundant), she genuinely seems to not give a fuck about him and it’s so funny to me somehow, my girl just minding her business, getting her straight A’s and doing charity work, we stan. Also, the entire part where they complain about Jimin and Mijoo is downright hilarious 

I really like the way JK says the poetry assignment is easy, hinting at the fact that he is, in fact, not a stupid fuckboi cliché (+ what happens with their presentation and him working his BUTT of)

The entire part where OC and Jk act like they are together is so DAMN FUNNY but at the same time it just shows that they have great chemistry from the get go and I love that. (But seriously it’s so f*ing funny)

I love they way OC’s crush on Jimin is brought up, it’s not outwardly said, but the way he is described form her pov makes it obvious and her helplessness when looking at him and Mijoo is just so heartbreaking (+ getting to me on a personal level since I’ve been in a very similar situation for years so :))) like, you can feel that she doesn’t want to be feeling this way, and is obviously trying to help her BFF and be selfless but cannot help but feel jealousy.+ JK immediately catching up on her crush, showing he is more observant than you’d think.

JK and OC being dumb & dumber AND partner in crime is everything I’ve ever wanted

The description of the feeling of loneliness post-parties is so accurate, and the way she feels is so relatable and heartbreaking. 

The part about anguish and the way she feels suffocated by her feminine attire got to me and honestly I got really close to cryingThe end of the chapter upsets me in the best way, to see JK be so oblivious to how vulnerable and lonely OC is, man it really makes the entire thing so much more gutswrenching.

Highlights (basically lines that made me laugh or that I find particularly well written) :

“then I don’t know why he’s friended you”

“should I block him too?” 

“can you get you get more obvious without tattooing ‘Park Jimin’ on your ass? It’s obvious he owns it anyways”

“why does this kid has so many shirtless selfies”

“it’s like this boy is like a walking cliché of the world’s most basic fuckboi” I see what you did here ;)))

“Ah… you knew?” The way I laugh EVERY time at this line

“Would you be really mad at me if I poured this all over your boobs?“ alkfnenfmefnkgjh Mijoo is my queen

“try her ass instead” JK you absolute moron genius

“Mijoo as been trying to get you laid since freshman” I looove how this just sounds so random and plays into the cliché of the extroverted BFF trying to drag OC to parties and get her laid but with OC’s backstory // Jin it makes SO much more sense

“I won’t feed you lies” he, said, you know, like a liar.

“Your worth as a woman isn’t defined by your purity or whatever bullshit” love the hint at the later reveal that JK is, indeed, a woke king. We stan

“But unfortunately, you aren't the altruistic saint you wish you could be. You suffer from the same human emotions that plague everyone. And they aren't pretty.Despite what the artists and poets claim, the world works in a logical way. It's a simple mathematical formula. Girls like Mijoo end up with their princes. And you remain a bitter stepsister, helpless but to watch their happily ever after from a distance. One that you'll never achieve.” God that part.... 

“Here is a man who actually wants you. Not you, but your body, a little voice in the back of your head reminds you. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that someone might actually desire you…  ... He feels so thick inside of you that for a moment, the hole in your chest is filled”  This is what I mean when I say that the smut in this story makes SENSE

“You wish you could cling onto this feeling forever so you'll never feel empty again.” The way this scene is supposed to be all smut sexy time but it is actually one of the most emotionally packaged and heart wrenching scene, really I can’t with your writing </333 

“He grins at that, "I thought you knew me better than to take anything I said seriously?“Jk you manipulative mf I hate your fuckboi ass

"Ugh, please don't tell me you're a cuddler," you grumble as you twist in his embrace. "I'm not," he denies, but the way he buries his nose in your hair says otherwise, "And don't think about asking me to stay the night, because I'm not that kind of guy." The dynamic of the entire duo summed up in one paragraph

Chapter 2 :

The moment she reassures Mijoo and see what she is missing is :((

I remember than the first time I read new rules and feminist JK came clean I was honestly shocked (years of being guarded around men’s misoginy and fake feminism I guess) but re-reading it, it’s so nice to see the hints everywhere that he genuinely is and it warms my heart.

The convo JK and OC have about relationships and meaningless sex is not only such a good foreshadowing of the problems they will face later when it comes to coming clean about both their feelings (looking at you JK you moron) but also such a relatable feeling of ‘I know I said men are trash but I’m still vaguely heterosexual and would really like to believe that some aren’t and I know it sounds like I’m reassuring myself and honestly I am because it’s starting to become hard to really believe that’

The twits oh god the TWIST!!! The heartbreak it gave me, I was going to put some sentences in the highlights but honestly I almost ended up putting the entire scene so I gave in but it’s just so well written and nerve wracking to see what could have been and to realize that the friend that OC has been putting so much effort into helping betrayed her.  Like, I can emphasis enough how much I cried reading this, considering I have been in a very similar situation, and that’s probably why this struck a chord so powerfully but wow. 

The blowjob scene is simply another brilliant double meaning smut scene, the way OC is trying to regain control over something, someone, even if it’s not the one she wants, the way she makes him beg to hear compliments, heartbreaking (I know I’ve said this word like a million time and we’re just on chapter 2 but your writing really is something else) 

The scene where she confronts Mijoo is in my opinion one of the BEST I have ever read, the way you can feel her heartbreak and her powerlessness but also the maturity she exudes, the way she tries to be the bigger person and do what’s right, lord I see myself here and it fucking hurts.

“He really likes you, Mijoo. Don’t let him slip away… You’ll only regret it.”  The double meaning that applies to OC here is killing me  

“On any other day, this is the kind of party you would protest, running around with a half dozen other of your feminist friends as you collect signatures for a boycott.” <3

“Wait… what makes you think that we’re supposed to be the hoes?”  <3 <3

“Yeah. You really do.” Jk sometimes I really like you 

“No, sweetheart. You’re the childish one for not being able to accept grown up emotions. Why is falling in love and caring for someone outside of their physical appearance so shameful to you? You need to grow the fuck up and realize that feeling for another human being does not make you weak.”<3 <3 <3

“Frat brothers are despicable…except this one, of course.” Absolutely love how first reading makes it sound like her crush is speaking and second reading shows her idealization of him here 

“You swallow the lump in your throat. It would be one thing to see them wildly making out or grinding in the mosh pit like all the other horny kids. But to see them so enveloped in each other, content to just hug for the rest of the night… It hurts you more than you can express. You’d rather walk in on them fucking. This display of the purest affection… No one has ever held you like that before.You’re jealous. It’s shameful how horrendously jealous you are.”</3

“You need me?” you repeat in a small voice.” OC baby I get you I love you and you deserve th world ;(( </3

“You feel like such a villain, grilling this angel and making her upset. It’s such an irritating feeling, but you can’t choke it back.“It’s not like I liked him anyways…” Lord what have you done to my heart and I think it’s my favorite sentence in the entire story !

Chapter 3 :

OC protecting and looking out for Yerin is just so adorable I CAN’T

The discussion with Hyejin, the foreshadowing!!!!!!!

The way OC is self-aware and thinks JK only wants her body (and at the time it was highly likely) just makes the scene that much more heartbreaking, which makes me realize that all the smut scene up until now have been that way. 

The entire chapter feels like a BIG call out to me thanks for that I guess. (I’m kidding it was wonderful and actually got me reflecting a lot on my habits and self deprecation)

“the ugly cage around your heart loosen a bit”

“Wow, your fungal cream is so nice. I hope you get that infection checked out." We love a considerate and caring man

“You would take this over the hollowness in your chest. You would gladly take the meaningless sex, the hard pounding of your pussy without a single gesture of affection. Who needs an emotional connection when you can have the pain beat out of you? Who needs someone to like you when you have someone to use you?”  No words.

Chapter 4 :

I don’t know if I said that already but I just looooove the way you sprinkle hints here and here about everything ! Foreshadowing events and future revelations it’s just so nice to read and makes second (and third, and fourth) reading sooooo much more entraining and satisfying <3333. Like Oc and Mijoo are drunk and we get a snip at what happened freshman year, there were other hints previously but this just makes the reader WANT to know what the f* went down. And it makes up for Mijoo betrayal, it’s a nice way of explaining why OC « brushed » over her betrayal, we know that she was there in such a hard time for OC and yes it really builds the suspense around that whilst portraying Mijoo as more than the fake BFF who betrayed, I love that.

I love the way you use the word ‘ugly’ and how it’s very often associated with jealousy.

I want to address how much I adore your side characters and sub-plots. Like all of them are so likable (even Somin) and feel like genuine people with their own complex thoughts, seriously your characterization is out of this world! (special shout-out to Yoongi who is spot-ON imo). Like, I want to hangout with these people and be their friends. 

ALso I feel like we are really starting to see Jk and OC’s chemistry (unrelated to being evil little matchmaker) and it’s SOOOOOO good, it feels so natural and seeing them slowly slide into a romantic relationship (don’t tell Jk) seems like the most  natural thing (+ everyone thinking they are actually together and honestly they are)

"Hey so you like kick around a ball or whatever?" I love your humor I genuinely laughed at this 

"Balls?" he says pointedly.” Same here

"Who are you talking about?" Jungkook asks in confusion, "I don't have a—ah you mean ___?" You sure didn’t think for long jk 👀👀and you didn’t even deny it 👀👀👀and you came as soon as being asked 👀👀👀👀👀👀sus 

"Beats me," he whispers back, "I didn't even know we had a soccer team until this week!"LMAOOOOOOOOO

Chapter 5 :

The foreshadowing with Bang telling JK he is worried about his performance !! That’s why I love this fic so much! EVERYTHING is here, nothing happens out of the blue, you just have to pay attention to things to see things coming and not in a predictable but rather gratifying way.

The scene where OC hugs JK ? a masterpiece. I don’t know what more to say about it, it’s one of those things that touch on such a level that deconstructing it feels impossible and would break the spell, the intimacy I felt between the two of them and the stark contrast with Hyejin are perfect to characterize their relationship. Feels natural behind closed doors but lacking the words to clarify what they are, especially when faced with other people, and themselves. I L O V E it.

“you watch Taehyung roll around in the grass with his high-tech camera” don’t know why this is so funny to me but it is 

"Are we not speaking the same language right now?!" Jungkook barks into the receiver, "Are you fucking high?" The fact that he barks it makes it even funnier

Chapter 6 :

Oc’s conversation with Taehyung about hookup culture (and her behavior at large) just SCREAM ‘I have had such a terrible experience with love before that I cannot even begin to think about letting it happen again otherwise I will never love again’ and it HURTS. But! The way she approaches things with such maturity and is so in touch with her feelings is simply admirable. 

When OC is caught between Hoseok and JK at the party !!! It’s so frustrating but in the best  way possible because they got soooo close to actually talking things out clearly and making things better but their pride and whatever got in the way and we know it! JK and Oc I love y’all but also you’re so stupid. (Also it’s exactly what I was talking about in my ‘misunderstanding each others’ part. I feel like this is during this chapter that they really start to fuck up the communication because that’s the chapter where it becomes abundantly clear that feeeeelings are starting to get into the mix, they both try to distract themselves (unconsciously or not) with someone else, HYejin and Hoseok, and miserably fails. 

Also the domesticity!! That’s cute and fluffy and I’m blushing like I’m 12 year old again. 

“You’re right, » he says « I have to get more creative” I have said that Taehyung is hands down the funniest character here ?

"I want someone to choose me," you admit in a small voice, "I want someone to fall for my personality—to love me because of my hot temper and annoying disobedience, not in spite of it. I want this person to be surrounded by prettier, nicer, sweeter girls, but still seek me out… I'd rather them fall for my personality first, then settle for superficial traits like my lacking appearance… Is that really too much to ask?" Once again, thanks for calling me out also I’m crying this is one of the best paragraphs you have written

“He's like a character from a 1950's romance novel stepped off the page” Oc sweetheart remember something else about the 50’s 👀👀 Like ... the sexism ?

“The moon is high in the sky at this point of night, not shrouded by dark clouds for once, and illuminating the entire rooftop with its luminous silvery gleam. But for some reason, it seems like all the moonlight concentrates into a single beam on Hoseok, surrounding him in a brilliant white halo. You swallow tightly and drop your gaze as though burned.” The imagery here is beautiful and I like that you associated him with the moon when he is usually the sun 

"Oh, honey… You don't have to pretend to be strong in front of me." And there goes my heart.

"Did you think I was going to let her sleep on the streets or something?" is his sarcastic reply.You roll your eyes, "Thanks, Yoongi." We love character development (their friendship is so endearingly funny)

"Right… But um… what happened after the game on Saturday… uh…" A blush suddenly suffuses his cheeks, coloring his skin a lovely shade of rose, "I… I just wanted to—""Ah, that's right. There's another game next week," you hastily steer the conversation away, terrified by what he might say. "Don't worry, I'll be there too. I really need to start writing this article.""Oh, right… That's exactly what I was going to say," he says, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.” I want to slap some sense in these idiots’ heads 

"Yeah, but the problem is that I don’t want to." I am S C R E E C H I N G

Chapter 7 :

The scene where they wake up together and he smiles and calls her pretty and the misunderstanding scene makes me want to slap them you belated idiots

SO MUCH things happen in this chapter and I think it’s one of my favorite!! I have to say that the scene where OC protests against the date auction and faces the resistance of her sorority hit close to home. It’s always so heartbreaking to see fellow girls complying to sexism. 

Also also, feminist JK keeps me up at night. Fuck yeah. (You know the lisa simpson meme with the orange juice, that’s me with feminist JK, give me MORE of that. 

Also, her performance : I C O N I C

"You're just exclusive fuck buddies… Even though you don't do casual sex and Jungkook doesn't do exclusive. It totally doesn't feel like you're hiding your feelings." My thought exactly Mijoo

“Staying so guarded might protect you from pain… But it'll also protect you from any happiness." *Slow clapping*

“Why would you go for someone who doesn't see your worth? You deserve to be with someone picks you out in a sea of people. Who likes you the best." 👀👀👀

"…Do not resuscitate… Got it," you solemnly note.” You’re so funnyykekzldk

“You aggressively bid from backstage, even as Taehyung motions for you to get lost” I laughed out loud at this

« sold » HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJIfhehfqenfoneqlfnqdkfncqefnlmzfkbnrdbfksvm kjnefkenfe hAAAAH ????!!! flefnekf HIIII ç!!!!ç!uj

Chapter 8 :

I’m sorry there is not much commentary about this one but I can for the life of me read it with a critical eye since I’m too caught up in the suspense and the fact that a million things are happening, the only thing I can think about is that your fiction, although it is a college AU is so versatile and you touch on so many other genre (here : sport) and manage to successfully make every single one enthralling and further your plot!

“Maybe if I had lost, you would've hugged me again." HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJZKELMLDIZPEKDLEBDLLDKKEJ 

"Please, ___. Please don't go."But sheer panic flashes in his eyes when you attempt to shake him loose. "Don't leave me," he croaks out in desperation, "Please, ___. Don't leave me…"Not like she did." Don’t think I’m not seeing what you’re doing here 👀👀

Chapter 9 :

I feel high-key stupid because that’s like the 6th time I read New rules but I just realized that there might be a parallel going on between Jk and OC’s story, it’s obvious with the hints that you’ve sprinkled that something bad happened with JK’s past girlfriend but it’s just now re-reading Oc’s backstory with Jin that I realize that JK might have been in the ‘fucking around to get back/over his ex’ stage of his breakup like OC in the summer Freshman year, which led to him having his fuckboy reputation despite not ‘really’ being one (i.e. him saying that he hates hookup culture when Oc talks about her story)

Also, empathetic, feminist and understanding men make me w*t. 

"Yes," he says, a smile tugging at his lips, "Yes, you did." I sEE YOU 

"I don't know what goes through that fantastical imagination of yours” This might be my favorite line ever

“But you don't move one inch. Because you know Jungkook better than that.” Aaaawwwwwwww

Chapter 10 :

This is some greek tragedy shit right here. Mijoo trying to push OC and Jk because she feels guilty about JImin (she way you write it makes it seem so believable but I can’t decide if it’s true or not because we are seeing Oc’s perspective here and she knows she actually crushed on Jimin while Mijoo doesn’t, which would be a huge factor in her pushing OC towards JK) and also because she is the only one with a brain? Oc refusing to believe it and opposing semi-logical semi-bullshit arguments to convince Mijoo and even more herself that this isn’t happening because she heard JK talking to Hyejin ? Jk saying that because he’s an insecure asshole (and also very probably because of his ex girlfriend wink wink) whilst acting like the most belated man, ever ? Na a TRAGEDY!!!!!

Also, the entire speech that Mijoo gives, everything she says ???? A punch to the GUTS! ! ! 

THEY NEVER UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER THEY CONSTANTLY THINK THE WRONG THING I WANT TO TIE THEM TO A CHAIR AND FORCE THEM TO ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING (in a oh god HOW are they going to fix this and finally come to an understanding of each other kind of way)

He finally breathes when she says his name I’m :(((((((((

“it wasn’t fun” Love how this simple line implies that Mijoo and Jimin have problems and arguments of their own and makes them feel like human beings who have a life outside of the story.

“Or was your image of him so perfect and unrealistic that you couldn't tolerate these humanizing details?" Ouch!

"You're only pushing Jungkook on me to ease your guilt for stealing Jimin away from me!" I don’t have the words to explain the way I felt when I first read this line except : oh fuck. Goosebumps. Literal goosebumps.

"I like him," you abruptly confess, your soft voice breaking through the tense silence the same way the brilliant meteors abruptly burst across the darkness of night. "I like him so much." Masterpiece 

“It's equally horrifying and an absolute relief to finally admit this deeply harbored secret after so long. After all these months of repression, it feels like a dam has burst with the way your emotions come tumbling out, threatening to choke you and sweep you underwater.” I said MASTERPIECE ! !

“Mijoo," you gasp, "What do I do?" Im crying. This isn’t a figure of speech. This isn’t an exaggeration. I’m crying. This entire scene is so powerful 

“You know your role. You're just the side character—the best friend or comic relief. You have no right to even dream about a life by Jungkook's side—much less to feel this amount of pain and jealousy seeing him with another girl” .... talk about being relatable 

“The loud electronic beat is pulsing through your veins with the same painful intensity of the tequila beating against the soft tissue of your brain. You feel like you’re being consumed by the powerful sensations… and yet, it's not enough to protect you from the helpless thoughts drifting across your mind, no matter how much you try to ward them back.” You really shine when it comes to making me cry 

"Can't you just let me be petty and sulk for once?" Baby :(

“How could you have misinterpreted the situation so horrifically?” Well we have this saying in French that goes : love makes you fucking blind 

“At this point of night, the moon has fully risen overhead, and its silvery rays cast down across the ocean, illuminating everything in white-gold. Awed, you can't help admiring the way the moonbeams kiss the top of Jungkook's black hair and the angles of his face, sheathing his figure like a cold halo.The waves continue to beat against the sandy beach like clockwork, and you  sway with them, as though lost in a rhythmic dance lulled by the force of the moon. Your thundering pulse acts as a metronome in this dance, pounding away at a dozen beats per each drag across the shore. You are cold. So cold that you've lost all feeling in your hands and legs. But for some reason, you don't feel the need to shiver anymore.” <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

“Could it have possibly been a defense mechanism? Was he just trying to protect himself in advance?” We are making PROGRESS

"Why is everything about sex with you?" HE SAID! AS IF HE WANS’T ABOUT TO DO WHAT HE IS AVOUT TO DO AND MAKE IT ABOUT SEX I HATE THIS MF

Chapter 11 :

My heart is non existent.The way Oc swallows her feelings to protect Yerin and stands up for her ❤️

I want to thank you for introducing a gay character in your story also Yoongi is one of the most interesting character in the story.

The way everything is slowly coming to a conclusion and every piece of the puzzle settles in the right place is so damn satisfying UGH

The scene where OC confronts Jk is so fucking satisfying, a masterpiece, 10/10, everything I wanted to hear come out of her mouth, my girl knows what’s up and won’t let this fucker get away with it.

"I've told you since day one that I'm not that kind of guy. God, can you even imagine me in a relationship?" he says with a derisive snort that feels like a punch to your stomach, "Did you honestly think that you could trap me into one with sex, ___? Or with a kiss? Come on. Get real." Your insecurities are showing asshole

"I hope you get over this soon, ___," he tells you in a sincere tone, "So we can get back to the way things were." Fight me in a parking lot salopard de merde

“Well, at least you've learned your lesson now.” I had to take a pause after this part 

"What if they were my parents?" he asks in a quiet voice, "My siblings? My community back home? The people I love most in this world? What would you have me do then?" As a closeted bisexual this one hit close to home

“But Yoongi turns to you with an incredulous look, "You can't be serious. Anyone with eyes could tell that Kook is completely whipped for you. Where is this coming from?” Yoongi is my man 

"You're a fucking coward." My thoughts exactly

Chapter 12 :

Getting through this chapter without crying is genuinely hard..All the girls standing up for themselves and not taking shit for the shitty men in their lives ???? YES PLEAse. And thank you for not only that but also including the girls that the story pushed us not to like that much up until now like Hyejin and Somin when really they were going through the same things as the holy trinity of best girls OC, Mijoo and Yerin. 

I have… mixed feelings and I feel like these feelings are exactly what OC has been feeling all along with the conflict between her beliefs and her heart. I wanted them to go through this and by being « willing » JK would have eventually just realized everything and stuff  because I love romance and shit. But I also want OC to get what she deserves, and it’s not that. I want them to have this happy ever after end but I feel like we won’t get that before long because as Hyejin pointed out, JK clearly needs to grow the fuck up.

"Oh, ___," she sighs your name.” Don’t mind me I’ll be crying over there 

“For a split second, you consider feigning ignorance. It would be so damn easy to laugh along with him and continue living this lie of being the cool, sporty tomboy who doesn't care about stupid "girly" things. After all, Hoseok isn't a bad guy. He's so handsome, popular, and kind. And he likes you. Someone actually likes you. Isn't that better than being alone? For a split second, you're tempted to grab his hand and flash him an award-winning smile. For a split second, you contemplate giving up all your morals and living a life of comfort with this lovely, charismatic man.” I love you so much for writing this

"Sexist?" he repeats in horror, "The fuck are you talking about?! I'm no sexist!" You’ve perfectly channeled the  and OC’s entire speech to him should be taught in school 

"We're just in different places right now," you inform him in a small voice, "It'll never work out, so please don't make this harder than it needs to be." I’m dying but also proud, producing

"I think I'll channel Somin and cut the toxicity out of my life." Attagirl 

To wrap up this overly long review, I want to say thank you to Tayegi for writing this piece and feeling generous enough to share it with us, reading this story and seeing the plot unravel, characters be introduced and developed was a true privilege. I rarely connect with the « reader » in reader fics and just say a random name in my head (or even 'your name ») but here, here… Never have I been so close to actually feeling like I’m the one in the fiction, not for the romance but for the way she is portrayed, for her ideas and how hard it is to stand by them sometimes, for her past and traumas. New rules is a masterpiece, and the fact that I connected to it on such a personal level, which, arguably could cloud my judgement, doesn’t make it any less.

[damienthepious]

oh boy. oh boy. oh fuck. oh boy. SCATTERED RETURNS????? y’know that reckoning chapter that tried to kill me? it happened again. also we ain’t done quite yet, darlins

Scattered On My Shore (Chapter 16)

[Ch 1] [Ch 2] [Ch 3] [Ch 4] [Ch 5] [Ch 6] [Ch 7] [Ch 8] [Ch 9] [Ch 10] [Ch 11] [Ch 12] [Ch 13] [Ch 14] [Ch 15] [ao3] [Ch 17] [Ch 18] [Ch 19]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla, Sir Damien/Rilla, Lord Arum & The Keep

Characters: Rilla, Lord Arum, Sir Damien, The Keep

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, Pre-Relationship, (for the three of them. it’s established r/d), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Injury, Injury Recovery, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, (this will also be), Enemies to Lovers, (for damien and arum eventually lol), Mutual Pining, canon typical Arum ignoring feelings

Fic Summary: Strange things wash up out of the lake near Rilla’s hut, on occasion. But this monster… this monster is certainly the strangest.

Chapter Summary: A confrontation, of sorts.

Chapter Notes: This chapter took a long time, huh? I'd say I'm sorry but I don't want to make my friends sad by being overly critical of myself. It's rough right now, not gonna lie. We're all doing our best. I hope this chapter will do at least a little bit to make up a little bit of softness. Be safe. I love you.

~

On the balcony outside his workshop, Arum draws his claws through the air, plucking invisible threads, his intent aligning with that of his Keep to play the swamp beneath them like a harp.

Unweaving the new border surrounding his home is not a difficult task. In fact, it is of an appropriate delicacy that Arum can utilize it as a sort of test, as a way to measure how much he has fallen out of practice.

The boundary softens slowly beneath them, each branch and vine relaxing, relenting, returning to its former growth, and Arum can feel the Keep relaxing as well, as the reality of Arum's homecoming settles within them both.

When they have managed perhaps a third of the border, the Keep tugs at the edges of his mind, and Arum could argue, perhaps, could try to push the Keep to continue the work for a little while longer-

But he is tired, in truth. The journey, the quickened healing, the- the depth of emotion he felt to be reunited with his Keep, all have left him feeling shaky and faded. The borders have been like this for some time now, he reasons. He need not rush.

Besides, he thinks, his lip curling wryly, Amaryllis would surely give him that narrowed-eye look if she knew he tried to push himself so soon after coming home. He cannot risk the force of her stubbornness combining with that of the Keep. Arum buries a laugh at the thought, sighs instead, and steps back in from the balcony to his workshop.

The Keep sings softly as he reaches to pull down a familiar set of knives, as he straps the hilts on again, feeling them more as a talisman than a defense.

"I know," he murmurs, drawing his palms over the hilts by turns, sighing. "I would apologize, but-"

The Keep sings less softly, then. Arum laughs.

"Precisely. I did not think you would." He pauses, feeling the safety and familiarity surrounding him. "Keep," he says, very softly, and then he closes his eyes and tries to pour out the affection that is coiling within him, how deeply he missed his Keep, how warm and relieved his love. It is easier, this way, to let the Keep know how he feels. Words- between the two of them words do not always feel right. He is the Keep's Lord, its Creation, and he may brush their minds together as easily as reaching out to take a hand. He knows his Keep can feel it, his pulse of love, and he feels it brighten before he is twined again in vines, before the rush of love and contentment the Keep sends him in return nearly folds his legs with its fierceness.

It sings, closer to a lullaby than a message, cradling him close, and Arum pretends not to rub his eyes again, allowing himself to be held for a minute or so more before he squeezes one of the vines around him, silently signaling to be let back down.

"Yes, well," he mutters, tail flicking as the Keep gives a vague hum. "There is still much to be done, I imagine. Bring me down to the kitchens; I expect they will be hungry soon."

The Keep pauses, then, and lilts an alternative.

He chokes a laugh. "Oh, fine. Do as you will, then. I expect they will be grateful, anyway." He tilts his head, worrying the edge of his mended cape in one hand as the Keep hums an affirmative, slowly coiling a different doorway out of the floor. "I- yes. If they are waiting, then. Go ahead."

The Keep lets him out into the greenhouse, drifting its attention away to prepare a proper meal for its Lord and his guests, and Arum-

Arum sees them, Amaryllis and Damien seated close together on the mossy bark of a fallen tree, their hands clasped together in their laps, their heads ducked close together as they murmur something unknowable to each other, and when Amaryllis' jaw clenches, Damien lifts a hand, cups her cheek, and then gently brushes an errant curl back behind her ear as her expression softens again.

Arum's own hands tremble, but he shakes his head hard, ensuring that his footsteps are too loud to miss, even for their limited human hearing as he forces himself to approach.

The both of them startle as they hear him, leaning back to watch him, though they do not untangle their hands.

"I hope you have been amusing yourselves well enough in my absence," he says, feigning mildness, but his attempt at levity does not seem to work. Amaryllis glances to Damien, something silent passing between them before she stands, Damien standing a moment later.

"Arum," Amaryllis begins, gently, and Arum's scales shiver with nerves automatically. Her tone is… serious, which is both unusual and concerning.

He forces himself not to flinch in a visible way as he meets her eyes, noting the gentle curve of her frown, the tension in the way she is still holding one of Sir Damien's hands, and he narrows his eyes in concern, ducking his head slightly. "What… what is it, Amaryllis?"

He can feel it already. They've decided to leave tonight. Decided that staying in a monster's den is too much. He should have expected-

"I have a- a question, actually," she says, and then she bites her lip. "And I need to know- I wanna know that you're gonna be- that you'll answer honestly."

"What call would I have to lie to you?" Arum says, more surprised than insulted. "You have already seen me at my lowest, Amaryllis." He pauses, then snorts. "And Sir Damien has rather helpfully pointed out that he is perfectly able to discern when I attempt deception."

Damien's lip turns into a wry sort of frown, but he does not interrupt. Clearly, it is Amaryllis leading this charge. She worries her lip between her blunt white teeth for a moment, her frame radiating strange tension. More concerning still. He is unsure if he has ever seen Amaryllis display this sort of- nervousness, before.

"Well?" Arum says when the pause draws long. "Ask, doctor. You won't get your answer in silence, I can assure you of that. I have many talents, but reading human minds is not among them."

"How do you- feel about me," she blurts, her tone going breathless and weak on the latter half, and Arum chokes on his own breath in surprise.

"Wh-what?"

"I know we said- we talked about what happens after. And about trust and about- about we and- and how we're going to miss each other, but- but I still don't know if…" she sucks in a breath, wincing and glancing away, and Arum sees Sir Damien's hand squeeze her own, and after a moment her shoulders settle slightly from their tension, and she meets his terrified eyes again. "I don't know if you feel like I do. Mind reading isn't in my wheelhouse either, Arum, and- and I just want to know. Before we- before we leave. I need to know if we feel the same way about each other, or if-"

"Amaryllis, I- don't be absurd." Arum can feel himself panicking, can feel a distant buzz of confusion from the Keep as it feels his spiking distress, and he skips back an awkward half step as Amaryllis reaches a hand towards him. "You know that I am- am impossibly grateful for all you've done-"

She winces at that, too. She draws her hand back to cover her mouth for a moment, and then she shakes her head. "Is that- is it just that you feel- grateful? Just- still the same way it was when you tried to leave that last time- just- thank you for services rendered, such as they were? Is that all that it is? Is that all that you feel about me?"

Arum looks away. "I think you know perfectly well that that is not even remotely the extent of- of-" he breaks off, not knowing any safe way to complete that thought. "I think you know."

"That's-" her face splits into something that is not a smile, if only because of the way her eyes are wide and strange and sad. "I don't know, Arum. That's kind of the whole problem. I need to know how you feel about me because if I don't know then I can't do anything about it."

Arum goes still, panic easing into something calmer, more cruel.

"Do anything about it," he echoes. "You feel you would need to do something about it, were our feelings misaligned? If I do not feel as you hope I do? If I have- overstepped, if the depth of my emotion has infringed on his claim?"

Amaryllis blinks, and then she glances where Arum has pointed, towards a Damien who appears equally puzzled by Arum's words. "Wait, what?"

"Have no fear, little human," Arum growls, his tail coiling behind him in a threat. "I have no misapprehensions about what we are. I have no delusions about what has passed between us. A kindness and a mercy, both, but nothing more."

"What?" she says again, and then she releases Sir Damien's hand and tries, again, to step closer. "Wait, no, that's not-"

Arum snarls, and Rilla pauses, her hand outstretched in the air between them.

"I will be forever indebted to you, Amaryllis of Exile," he says, forcing his voice low and steady. "Indebted to your knight as well, as infuriating as that detail remains. But I will not be mocked in my own home. You have shown me kindness and mercy beyond what I deserve, certainly, but that does not free you to treat me cruelly in turn."

"Cruel-"

"In the morning, the both of you will leave, and if the Universe is kind we will never need see each other again. Do you not think it cruel, then, to draw that grief out? To force our focus upon it?"

"But if we just talk about it, we might not n-"

"I know I have made myself a fool," Arum spits, and then- he wilts, his shoulders sagging. "I would do so again, I think. But I will not abide you holding my foolishness to the light."

"Arum-"

He turns, the softness in her eyes too utterly unbearable. "I am… I am tired, Amaryllis. The Keep will bring the both of you food in short time. When you are tired, ask for a place to rest and it will provide one. In the morning it will open a way back to the edge of the swamp. Farewell."

"No- wait," Amaryllis says behind him, her tone sharp, almost scared. "No. Wait- I am not saying goodbye to you yet-"

"Keep," Arum says, voice flat and toneless. "Back to the workshop. Now."

There is a pause before the Keep obeys, but it is short. Arum relents to the pain behind his ribcage only barely, only enough to glance over his shoulder one more time. Amaryllis looks caught between misery and fury, looks half tempted to bolt after him, and Sir Damien- Sir Damien looks stiff, unreadable.

"Farewell," he says again, more quietly, and then he turns away.

He is only a step from the doorway when Sir Damien's voice rings out behind him.

"Lord Arum!"

Arum clenches his teeth. He should ignore the knight entirely. He has said his goodbyes. He has closed this chapter with his own hands. He has reshelved the book.

"Lord Arum, I demand you face me, now. I will not condone so cowardly a retreat."

Arum spins on his heel, exhaling a sharp shocked laugh. "Cowardly - how you dare is beyond-

"I see you are armed, now, Lord Arum," Damien says, his voice rather carefully even. "Armed, and healed, and there is still a duel you owe me. I would see that challenge fulfilled."

"The duel?" Arum wrinkles his snout, bares his teeth. "I should laugh. I am an artist with my blades, but even I could not best an archer with weapons meant for closer quarters than these."

"I still carry the weapon you sharpened for me; I imagine it should prove a reasonable match to your own steel. I would see our duel fulfilled," he says again, "blade to blade."

Arum scoffs. "A meager tool you use, but it would suffice. Do you wish to die, knight? Or have you finally remembered your duty?"

"You will you duel me, then?" Damien asks, insistent, ignoring Arum's questions.

"Oh," Arum says, something between a snarl and a bitter laugh in his tone. "Oh, so now the little honeysuckle means to kill me? Now you are amenable to-"

"I have no intentions of the sort," Damien says smoothly. "But you said yourself that you did not prefer to leave matters unsettled, and this matter remains so, between us. I believe you need be reminded of that."

"Ha," Arum snarls. "Unsettled. It would not be unsettled if you did your duty-"

"You conceded to my skill in wordplay, friend lizard," Damien says, his cheeks dark and his smile soft. "I am curious to see who will triumph in swordplay."

Arum narrows his eyes, and it is some combination of reckless despair and curiosity that compels him to draw his own blade, at last, in response.

"Very well, little fool. Keep," Arum snarls, though his eyes are still fixed on Damien. "Close the door, and then back as you were. I command that you do not interfere. This duel will be mine and mine alone, no matter which fate the Universe intends for me."

"Thank you," Damien says as the Keep closes the way again with visible reluctance, and Arum growls low, tail coiling as he brandishes the blade.

"Okay this is stupid," Amaryllis says, stern though her voice is still wavering, but Damien is smiling now, and he lifts a hand in her direction.

"Trust, my love. I will beg you to trust me. You know my heart, do you not?"

Rilla presses her lips together tight, her eyes meeting Damien's for a long, torturous moment, and then she gives a small grim smile and nods. "I do."

"How precious," Arum drawls, dancing his knife between his fingers. "You wanted this duel, Damien. Now fight me."

"As you say, Lord Arum," Damien says, closing his eyes for a with an utterly strange smile. "I am Tranquil, and I am ready. Face me as you will."

Arum coils, tense, for a long moment, feeling out Damien's steady, waiting stance, but the knight is more patient than he. Arum strikes first, a wild lunge meant to unsettle Damien's footing, but Damien in unmoved as their blades clash, and then he deftly steps sideways as Arum lunges again.

"A fine opening," the knight says mildly, as if they were discussing something so simple as the day's meal. "I was correct to think that your reverence for the blade would translate to a certain deftness with this sort of comba-"

Arum lashes out, interrupting with a snarl, but Damien's smile flashes brighter as he parries.

"Even in this you lilt, little songbird?" Arum complains. He is already beginning to feel warm, breathless- he has not exerted himself in this way in ages. Even with his body healing properly under the Keep's influence, Arum is stretching muscles he has not had cause to use in quite some time.

Arum struggles not to find the feeling exhilarating.

"I have a talent for prattling, Lord Arum, as I have been told again and again." Damien grins wide, flicking his wrist out to clash against Arum's next strike. "If you compel me to silence it will be a feat indeed."

"We shall see, little knight."

"So we shall," Damien murmurs, and they are- close, but Arum shoves and Damien spins away, stance defensive to await the next attack. "There is another matter still unsettled, however, more important than my own lilting tongue."

Arum struggles not to roll his eyes. "It is always something with you creatures, isn't it?"

"You failed to answer Rilla's question. Perhaps you thought your deflection sufficient-" he pauses to leap as Arum strikes with his tail, his footwork elegant enough to be repurposed for a dance. "Sufficient," he continues, "to distract from that fact, but I would have you answer, before you give your farewells."

"They have already been given, knight-"

"And yet," Damien says. His cheeks are dark, but Arum can hear that his breaths are still steady. He has barely begun to exert himself. "Prematurely removing yourself from us will not change how you feel, Lord Arum. Nor will it change how we feel."

Arum manages not to stumble, but only barely. He flicks his blade up just in time to keep the knight from pinning him, ducking low and rolling beneath Damien's arm. "I am- perfectly aware that I am incapable of changing your feelings, knight," he snarls, keeping low and defensive as Damien circles him.

Damien's expression softens, oddly. "You cannot change how we feel now," he says. "I am unsure if you understand, however, the degree to which you already have."

Arum leaps, nearly catching Damien's arm with the tip of his blade, but the knight sidesteps with a sliver of space between his skin and the edge.

"Arum, you cannot-"

Arum snarls, striking before Damien fully manages his footing again, but he cannot seem to unbalance the knight.

"Arum, you cannot conceal how you look at her, and I know you must- you must be able to see how she looks at you-"

Arum's scales shiver with a flash of cold, these words more than the risk to his life filling him with terror. "I see," he spits, tail thrashing and frill flared. "Of course. Insulted on behalf of your lover, of course, I remember- I remember quite early on I implied your Amaryllis might have grown some ill-placed fondness for me and you nearly killed me for that alone. Of course this- yes. Little knight, you must, of course, defend your Rilla's honor against so foul a beast as I."

Damien laughs, bright and oddly keening as he dodges another blow. "I should hate to contradict a Lord, but I am afraid you are as far from the mark as you could hope to be. She is radiant, Rilla is light and love herself, she is brilliance and glory and she is made to be adored, of course you would feel that glow, of course you would." He smiles, shocking and full of heat, and Arum hates himself for the way his ribs seem to clench around his heart like sharp cold fingers. "And you, Lord Arum, you-"

"And I am a monster," Arum hisses, and his next strike is sloppy with despair, and the edge of Damien's blade catches against the curved base of his own, and the knight flicks his wrist so deftly, so easily-

The knife flies aside, gleaming steel painting the air in flashes before it thuds to rest on the mossy floor of the greenhouse, and the blade Sir Damien wields is cool and close against Arum's throat in the same instant.

They pant, for a long moment, and Damien is so close that Arum can nearly taste the heat of him, his gentle eyes bright and focused on Arum's own.

"Well?" he breathes after the pause has drawn long. "Do it, then."

"Do you still believe, truly, that I have any desire to harm you?" Damien says, his tone lilting like song, and Arum's heart clenches again.

"Your knife certainly seems to say so," he growls.

"I told you, Arum. I only wished to remind you. Once, yes, I swore I would slay you, when we finally dueled. This I admit. But I am not the same man I was, so short a time ago."

Arum laughs, choking and desperate, the steel still tickling his neck.

"I have won this duel," Damien says gently. "I would have you answer me honestly, now."

Arum swallows, clenches his teeth. "Ask, then. Ask, and be done with it."

"Do you-" Damien pauses, a layer of his smooth confidence shifting aside, a hint of nerves showing through. "Would you- want us to stay? If we could, if- if we were not pressed by responsibility, would you have us stay?"

Arum would have expected nearly any other question, before the one Sir Damien has posed. He expected one particular question, first. He cannot remember how to breathe, for a moment, and the nervous tilt to Damien's smile makes him wish to lean forward, despite the knife, and-

And Arum's lips are parted, but there are no words upon his tongue.

Damien waits, though. In his periphery, Arum can see Amaryllis waiting as well, a hand pressed to her mouth.

"If-" Arum pauses, swallows, flicks his tongue. "If it were possible. If you could."

Damien's eyes are so bright they are nearly hypnotic, and his own lips are parted, now, though he does not interrupt.

"I only wish to see you gone," Arum admits, helpless and hopeless and keening, "because it feels like breaking again, to know you cannot stay. The faster the break-" he chokes, and looks away, and he knows his voice is breaking too, "the cleaner it will be."

"If we offered you anything you desired from us, what would you ask?" Damien asks, his voice low and steady, though Arum can feel his heart still thudding hard.

"I- I have answered one question already, honeysuckle, I do not-"

"You conceded to me in two contests, Lord Arum. I believe two questions is a fair exchange."

Arum snorts. "Fair-"

"What would you ask of us," Damien repeats, firm, "if we offered to grant you anything that was in our power to give?"

Arum presses his lips together tight, his throat thick and his eyes hot. "Anything?" he asks, his voice catching ragged, snarling, monstrous, but Damien only smiles even more gently.

"Anything."

"If… if I could have anything," Arum whispers, claws clenching, and then he closes his eyes. His pride is such a small thing to lose, in the end. "A place at your table," he says, soft and full of too much undeniable longing. "A place for me, seated at your sides, for as long as you would have me."

Damien's grip loosens, and when Arum blinks his eyes back open Damien's own eyes are wide and shocked, his cheeks darkening as his heart stumbles. Arum can hear that heart, can hear the way Damien swallows, then, as well.

"Oh," Damien says, too soft. "Oh, Saint Damien, your Tranquility, now when most I need-" he inhales, exhales with a smile, and then he drops the knife away from Arum's throat.

"Wh-what are you-"

Damien holds the blade out, hilt first, and presses it into Arum's palm.

"There is one more question before you," Damien murmurs as Arum's fingers curl around the metal, and though he is no longer pinning the monster against the trunk of the tree behind him, the poet is still close, is still crowding Arum with his heat and his scent and the rhythm of his heart. "I would hear your answer under no duress, if you choose to do so."

Damien seems so utterly unafraid of the blade that Arum now holds, the gleaming, newly sharpened edge that he holds close against Damien's collarbone. He is looking up into Arum's eyes, something in his expression nearly shy, and Arum-

Arum-

Arum drops his hand, slipping the knife back into the sheath at Sir Damien's hip. Damien's breath catches again, his dark cheeks going even darker, but Arum can only spare a hint of attention to that while he steels himself, while he clenches his teeth and inhales and lifts his head to look over Sir Damien's shoulder, to see Amaryllis where she stands.

Amaryllis stares both of them, her dark eyes wide, her hands clasped over her mouth, and-

Arum is not brave. He has never been. But Arum remembers every single time this creature before him has reached out her hand to him despite every reason not to.

... and Arum thinks that perhaps he can pretend to share even an ounce of the bravery she has shown him.

"I love you," he says, and there is a lightness that comes as the syllables escape him, a freedom that makes him feel reckless, and as Amaryllis' stares at him with something like awe shining on her face, he thinks he might have begun to smile. "I have for some time, now," he murmurs. "I love you, and meeting eyes with death was a small price to pay for the honor of knowing you."

Arum is certain he is smiling, now. He is just as certain that there are tears in his eyes.

He manages to pull his gaze from Amaryllis', after a moment, with no small degree of effort. "And you, little songbird," he says, glancing down, "as for you-"

Arum is interrupted.

Sir Damien's lips press to his own, muffling him to a humming gasp, and the poet's hands are upon him, one on his cheek and the other twisting in his cape, pulling him down. It arcs through him like magic, like- like poetry. Certain lines of which he cannot help but remember, just now.

"I love you," Damien breathes against him when he breaks the kiss, soft and sure as birdsong.

"Damien," Arum says, too shocked to say anything else, and the shyness slips back into Damien's eyes again.

"I understand if our former conflicts are- too much to move beyond, for you, if you do not feel about me as you do about Rilla, if-"

Arum pulls Damien closer, arms wrapping snug around him, slipping the claws of one hand into the poet's hair now that he can do away with pretense, now that he no longer needs to bury that temptation. Damien gasps against his mouth, and on instinct Arum catches his bottom lip with his teeth, careful and testing. "Ridiculous- ridiculous little bird-" he presses his lips against Damien's again, and his own words- they are insufficient. "So ascended I," he growls, pulling Damien closer, closer, "alight- and burning-"

Damien gasps again when he recognizes his own verse, something like a sob in his voice. "Arum-"

"I love you, honeysuckle," Arum whispers, and Damien chokes, folding against him, allowing Arum to hold him.

Just to hold him. So simple, and so much, all at once. Damien's hair is soft against the scales of Arum's palm, as soft as Arum imagined that it would be.

"Saints," Rilla breathes, and Arum blinks, glancing towards her again as she presses a hand against her chest and shakes her head. "I swear the two of you are trying to kill me."

"Amaryllis," he says softly, but he cannot think what to say beyond that.

She comes closer, her lip pulling like she's burying a laugh as Arum holds Damien more snugly against his chest, and when she is close enough he reaches out and she- she smiles wider, cupping his cheek and slotting herself in beside the poet.

"Amaryllis," he murmurs again, and she wraps her other arm around Damien, the palm on Arum's cheek slipping further to cup the back of his skull, making him shiver, making his chest rumble deeper.

"I love you too," she says, and Arum realizes- he realizes that he knew, already. Somewhere deep and hidden, somewhere he did not allow himself to look, before. "Can I kiss you?"

Arum chokes on a laugh. "I- of course you- ridiculous, Amaryllis-"

She rolls her eyes, and as the laugh bubbles from her lips he leans down, nuzzling against her lips and reveling in the brightness of her mirth.

"I love you," he says again, his scales tickling Amaryllis' skin, his hands holding Damien close. "I love you." He pauses, holds them both even closer for a moment. "I… I do not know what we are meant to do. What this will mean, for all of us-"

"Big questions, Arum," Amaryllis says gently. "Good questions, too, and we're gonna have to talk about them sooner rather than later, I think, but-" she wets her lips, giving him a cautious sort of smile. "But maybe that can wait until tomorrow? I- I just kind of- I just want to be like this, for a little while. Okay?"

Okay, as if he would possibly object. There is no possible way for him to hold her closer. Instead he presses his face into her neck, burying himself in the softness of her skin. "Of course," he whispers there. "It will keep, Amaryllis."

"It will keep," Damien echoes in his arms, and then his voice goes a little higher, a little more frightened as he fists his hands in Arum's cape. "I apologize for- I am sorry to have drawn upon you, I only-"

"Thank you," Arum says, before Damien can lose himself to the panic, "for making me stay."

Arum feels the tug in his mind only a moment before the Keep sings, bemused and uncertain, and and Arum reluctantly loosens his grip on the humans.

"Ah," he says. "Right. Er- I don't suppose… the pair of you are hungry?"

Amaryllis laughs, and Arum struggles against the desire to press their mouths together again. "Yeah, actually. Long, long day." She shakes her head as they disentangle from the embrace, still smiling, and then she- reaches out again, and tangles her fingers together with his own. Damien smiles, and on his other side the poet echoes her, slipping his warm palm against Arum's, and Arum's hands flex, his chest rumbling with something like joy. "Lead the way, then."

~

Dining together is familiar and strange and wonderful, all at once. He has shared so many meals with the both of them already, but never at this table, never with his Keep humming its additions to their conversation. Never with Amaryllis leaning against his side, the edges of the space between them softened to nothing at all. Never with Damien refusing to release his gentle grip on one of his hands for the entirety of the meal, his expression soft and adoring, his lips tumbling with new poetry, hopeful and loving verse. Never with the knowledge that he can reach for them, when he wishes to.

He spends most of the meal wishing to.

They do not seem to mind.

~

Eventually the meal is done, the conversation dripping off to quiet contentment. One human leans on each of Arum's shoulders, speaking slow and drowsy, Amaryllis playing with his hand, pressing the pads of her fingers against his palm, turning his wrist in her hands with fond curiosity as Damien murmurs something rhythmic and quiet against Arum's neck between kisses that are so gentle they make his scales feel electric. Eventually Rilla's grip upon him goes slack, her breaths evening out, and honeysuckle follows not long after.

When they have drifted into unconsciousness still beside the table, the Keep reaches out with vines, draping a blanket it has pulled from Arum's bedroom around all three of them, tucking it around their shoulders and then leaving soft new runners twining around Arum's shoulders, his horns, adding to the embrace.

Arum has never felt quite so warm, before. He has never felt quite so- so certain, so fierce.

He loves his Keep. He would go to war for it. He would fight and scrape and claw his way through anything for the sake of his home, his counterpart. He would die for the Keep. He would.

He would die for the creatures in his arms, now, too.

He shifts very slightly, brushing the backs of his knuckles down Amaryllis' arm, feeling Damien's heart beating soft against the hand that is pinned between his chest and Arum's side.

Yes. He would die for them.

But… Amaryllis wants him to live. She and Damien both. They want him to live. They want- they want more from him than that, even. They-

He cannot think it. His mind shies from it. He is not unsure, not at all, he knows, now, how they feel, but- it seems too fragile a thing, still. Too new and delicate to bear the scrutiny of his mind. He sets their words aside for the moment. He refocuses. They want him to live; that is enough. They, and the Keep, as well. It wishes him alive, it loves him, it is not mere duty that binds them.

“The Senate thinks I am replaceable,” he whispers above the sleeping humans, his memory of the attack still bright in his mind as he shares it with the Keep. The way the representative had shrugged and grinned with sharp white fangs and implied they had found someone better, to make use of the Hermit. “They think I am disposable.” The bright pain of the attack from behind, the further pain and rage that followed during his frantic attempt to defend himself, the bittersweet satisfaction of lifting the Hermit towards the light, the blow that cracked his horn and made his head spin, the choice in less than a breath of further claws or the fall, the water-

Not like his swamp. Not the familiar, still, life-filled water of his home. Water rushing and cool, the bite of sharp rocks until he whited out to almost blissful nothing for immeasurable time, and then the strange, strange stillness that came before the mud, before warm hands and voice and-

Amaryllis’ face, in the darkness. All concern and determination, framed by hair that looked as if the night sky were pouring down around her, before he lost himself to blissful nothing again.

The rest of it the Keep will learn in time. It knows the most important part, now. Arum feels the heat of affection bloom through his counterpart, sees the curling growth of small sprigs of white and orange flowers the Keep is blooming above his doctor.

“They think they can use me and discard me and I will simply die,” Arum murmurs. “Perhaps. Perhaps I may have simply accepted that, once. Perhaps.”

The Keep's vines around his shoulders tighten, secure, and when it sings of comfort and home and life life life, Arum feels it in his mind and in his bones.

“They were wrong,” Arum says, quite simply. “On all accounts.” He pauses, inhaling, feeling the strength he has been missing slowly returning to him, the gentle care of his doctor given new expediency by his home. “We will live, and we will not be used again.”

[->]