#so I rewrote it almost totally & now it fucks

[dhmis-autism]

SORRY. JUST REALIZED I ORIGINALLY SKETCHED THE STUFF FROM THAT LAST WIP POST IN. MARCH.

GODDDD...

[queer-ragnelle]

AHHH VINDICATION!!!!

[kingdoms-and-empires]

Kingdoms and Empires Wiki Drop!

Sup guys, im releasing what i have done in the wiki today! In this post im only going to talk about the Wiki because I dont want to create an even more massive wall of text here than it already is. Please see the entire post on the forums thread!!! I solidified the lore (which means no more massive changes), set the foundations to the story (so i dont end up writing a shit ton and having to fucking rewrite everything anymore), and pretty much rewrote the canon lore until i reached a point where i literally cannot share it because itd be spoilers without the future rewrite (regarding the worldbuilding, all introduced characters and such are still the same, some just had minor tweeks, so nothing crazy like changing our old bodyguard Mary:

and turning her into our childhood friend lmao So the plan now is current wiki drop. A good amount of it will be hidden since alot of it is spoilers, so you get 39,174 thousand words of unlocked content out of about 50k words in the wiki. And that's without me transferring 90% of the Codex ingame to the wiki, so its ALL (okay like 85%) new words of content and lore! Dont worry, im dropping literally all extra work and focusing purely on playable updates now until i regain your guy's trust in me after being so radio silent.

I also know and recognize that this has gotta be annoying asf since what you guys really want is updates but after what happened with the Total War franchise (my beloved) and their lightning fast content pipeline and lack of upgrading their engine ended up destroying the health of the company and ruining fans trust in em, id rather invest on the long term than short term unlike them (meaning id rather have a set story, narrative line complete, and research resources so that i can use that to run wild in writing).

I made a history of the world as known to them, so much of it is subject to embellishment, lies, and "the victor writes history" trope.

Historia Mundis

If you'd rather just have the list of articles that can be found within the timeline though, here it is: The Great Disturbances, Wars of Unification, and the Longwei Empire

Reign of the Daishu Dynasty

Ecumenical Dominion and the Flight of the Belthean People.

Belthean Migrations

Reign of Emperor Garland

Reign of Emperor Daerin I

Reign of Emperor Valerion

Reign of Emperor Elric I

Reign of Emperor Cenric

Reign of Emperor Saldwin

Reign of Emperor Elric II

Reign of Emperor Daerin II

The Interactive Outdated Map Yeahhh almost as soon as i published the map for the patreons it became outdated lmaoooo Nareth is much bigger than originally imagined, Argent is surrounded by mountain and forest tribes (think Hispania’s Lusitanian Wars or the Germanic Tribes type of vibe). The empire (being Imperial Chinese and Persian Empire inspired) also is surrounded by the these tribes, and the Imperial Province of Lymark is now the “Protectorate of the Western Regions” which basically means theyre the watchdogs of Western Nareth. Its funny because theyre also across the St. Hytera River, which is much like the Danube River, and will inevitably face the same issues Rome did with Dacia when they had a presence that extended the natural borders.

Master List of Articles

The Evolution of Belthean Civilization

Veldora Duchy I may have gone too far here. I regret nothing and learning about agriculture and stuff was awesome.

Silverhill Duchy Mining is alot more complicated than I thought, though Engineering MC is gonna have equally alot to improve!

Imperial Ranks The ranks will have importance. I know that sounds weird, but I did not spend an afternoon writing this just for the lulz.

Emperor/Empress

Imperial Crown Heir

Imperial Prince and Princess

Imperial Duke/Duchess

Imperial Count/Countess

The Imperial Landed Knight

The Belthean Empire The biggest entry from the ingame Codex that I transferred over and polished. This should give you a hint of how ill do the other kingdoms in the future for their article.

Kin of Arava I experimented here and instead of making an actual article, made it a class lecture of a series of days focusing on the Kin with a racist professor lmao

Zera Arava So i had to do this in intervals as I was writing and plotting out his side stories. Honestly hope i did the homie justice, he's a fav of mine, though i think each of the ROs will be favs as I write more and more about them.

Sacred Dance I assure you the Sacred Dance isnt what you think it is.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patreons, you guys already read the below list. However ive cleaned the articles up and polished them! The Genesis of the Belthean Empire: From Invasion to Unification

Voryn Resdayn I wanted to see how i could make a character entry. It looks awesome, but holy fuck do they take time to create lmaooo, ill make the rest of them in the future.

Kin of Arava

Eastern Kin The descendants of Kin and Beltheans who mixed, that are settled within the empire.

House Resdayn Wanted to see how I could do the houses, still unsure (okay i dont like it) of how it came out. Hence why I started with a minor house that one of the RO's belonged to.

The Astute Emperor and the Imperial Provincial Rule: A Revolutionary Shift in Governance

Master-Scholars of Jelaytha The Jelaythan organization of scholars that Master Feren is from.

Post-Unification Transformations in the Belthean Empire: Trade, Economy, Industry, and Immigration in the Wake of Conquest

Imperial Historians Obviously the imperial faction that wants to get their hands on tutoring you lmao.

Universitas Magistrorum et Scholarium The Jelaythan/Imperial organization at the forefront of the intellectual international community.

Tripartite Alliance Read what the empire is teaching their citizens about how they conquered the alliance.

The Satrap System and Imperial Provincial Rule

The Great Racist of the Academy: Imperial Historian Acillus Cinna

The Sword Saint

Master-Scholar Kaleb

The Gleaming Horizon: Silverhill's Maritime Supremacy The book of a writer who we'll meet ingame. Youll decide whether or not to bully him as a 12 year old lmao.

Baniel Worthton The author of above said book. He even wrote about himself. Yes, it's supposed to be an ick.

The Ulrich Cothon The second book of his that'll feature in the game.

So…I guess in basketball or futbol terms… rebuilding phase is over, and i got all the players i need for a championship run!

It was an almost year long rebuilding phase, true, but omg it was so needed.

Plus I also learned alot of fucking coding at the same time lmao. Basically a lot of tweaking around with Choicescript and knowing how to code some actions. Also there's CoG implementing a new checkpoint system so thank fuck for that because this game's gonna be huge and id hate to play it without a save system.

[pablitogaviobsessed]

Can you do one of gavi and rich reader broke up and one day they are at the same restaurant him w his teammates and their s/o and his family and reader is there with her family and the guys family she’s getting a arrange marriage with and gavi seem to notice because of a big rig on your promise finger where she had his ring and he couldn’t bare to see her getting married with someone else (but can one of the people he’s with point it out) so when she went to the bathroom he followed her and tried to convince her and at the end her brothers are happy because they new their babby sis was unhappy?

This is kinda challenged me. I rewrote it many times because I didn't like this, I didn't like that, this wasn't good, that wasn't good, but now it's done and I hope you will like it.

English is still not my first language, thanks for understanding. <3

warnings: a little cursing

Promise

It was 8 months since you and Pablo broke up. You were the one who said that you want to broke up because you fell out of love. It wasn't true at all but you didn't want to tell the real reason why the two of you had to broke up. Or I would say, you mustn't told the real reason.

It was a Saturday night when you and your family and your future husband's family were having a dinner, while your ex boyfriend and his team his family were also having a dinner at the same time in the same restaurant. You noticed Gavi a while ago but you tried to ignore him. You would lie if you said that you didn't love him anymore. You still loved him. Gavi also noticed you like everyone at that table. He still loved you more than anything, but you thought that he definitely moved on and found somebody else. After all, he was Pablo Gavi, every single girl was in love with him.

Both of you were there for 30 minutes. Gavi was still starring at you. That red dress was so beautiful on you. You haven't changed anything. Your smile, your hair, your body everything were the same. It brought him back so much memories. When the two of you went on a date, just cuddled and watched some films at nights, when you were at the Camp Nou supporting him at his match and in if they won the match the celebrations were the best. Those nights were about just the two of you. While he was thinking about those memories he saw something on your finger. A ring. It was a promise ring. For a moment he thought that it was his ring which he gave you, but it was completely different. He still remembers the night when he gave it to you and you promised him that you will always be there for him, you will always love him no matter what. He thought for a moment that you actually cheated on him, but both of you were brutally honest with each other, so you would definitely tell him if it was the truth. He was so furious. You left him just beacuse of that guy. You broke your promise just because of that guy. He doesn't even looked better than him. Pedri also noticed the ring. He was just looking at you for a moment but it caught his eyes.

"Isn't that a promise ring on her finger?" Pedri asked.

"It is. But it's not mine. The guy gave it to him. That fucking asshole. He completely stole my girl. My future wife." now he was really furious.

"You really can't deal with the fact that she's getting married with somebody else." Ansu looked at him. "Please Gavi, get over her. I don't want to say this but if she's wearing HIS ring she's not gonna come back to you. And there are so much girls in the world."

"Why did you highlighted the "his" word?" You really think that he's treating my girl better than I did?" he almost shouted and it caught some people's attention.

"Gavi calm down or at least don't shout in the middle of the restaurant." Pedri grabbed Gavi's shoulder.

"Whatever..." Gavi muttered.

"You know who is he?" Ansu asked Gavi.

"Ansu please don't make him more angry." Pedri said but they totally ingored him.

"He's some kid of a fucking rich family. Like, fucking rich. And the guy's parents are in a good realtionship with Y/N's parents. It's a kind of arranged marriage. But I'm not sure. Maybe they are really in love with each other." Ansu looked at the two of you.

"No, they're not." Gavi stated in the strongest possible terms. Now he knew why did you break up with him.

Your family and you future husband's family were having a great time. They were talking about some rich people shit like what kind of jacht they have, how much they make in a day, luxury cars ect... You were getting tired of this. It was really boring for you. You remembered when you were with Gavi, you never had to listen to these kind of conversations. Everything was so much better.

"I'm sorry I have to use the bathroom. I'll be back in a few moments." you stood up from the table and headed to the bathroom. Actually you didn't need to use it, you were just so fed up with them.

It took you 5 minutes to pick yourself up and head back to the table. Or you just wanted to head back because when you opened the door Gavi was standing in front of you.

"You still love me." Gavi stated.

"What? What are you doing here?" that was all you could say.

"Why the fuck did you break up with me when you still love me?" he asked but you didn't answer. Instead of, you started to go back to your table but he grabbed you wrist and pulled you close to him. "Answer me." he looked into you eyes. "Please Y/N, tell me. Why did you break up with me?" you looked down. You could even look into his beautiful eyes. You didn't deserve it. Not after you lied to him. He lifted your head up, so you can look into those eyes again. Those beautiful eyes that were full with anger, curiousity, sadness and love. You owed him enough to tell the truth.

"I broke up with you because I had to. That guy's family and mine are really close to each other and they want us to get married. It's like an arranged marriage." you can't help yourself. You let your tears out. It hurt you. But especially it hurt Gavi.

"Why didn't you tell me this at the beginning?" he also let is tears run down on his face. "We could've solve it. Like we promised to each other. We always be there for each other no matter what."

"No we couldn't Gavi, believe me. I had no choice. Those people would send your career to death if I stayed with you. I don't wanted to ruin your dreams." you looked down again completely crying. He lift your head again.

"Don't call me Gavi, please." he wiped your tears away. "You know, if a relationship with you means giving up football, I'll fucking do it." your eyes widened.

"No please, don't say that. You worked so hard to get there where you are." you wiped his tears away. "Don't give up football just because of me. Please." now you hands were around his neck and his on your waist.

"I want to be with you. I want to live my life with you. We both love each other. We need to be together again. I don't want any of us to suffer. You deserve the best princesa, but this is not even good enough for you. You deserve a relationship where you loved and I gave love to you. Maybe you have a lot of money, luxury cars even a jacht in you current relationship, but you never gonna be loved by him. He didn't even give you a hug or a kiss since you are here. He didn't even hold you hand for a second. He doesn't treat you well. Please, let us be again. I would do anything to be with you again." there was just inches between the two of you.

"I want us to be together again, too. But I'm afraid of what they can do to you." you said stroking the back of his head.

"I don't care Y/N! I just want to be with you. I miss you. I miss us." and then he gave in. He couldn't bear not to kiss you. You kissed him back. You missed him so much. You missed his touch, his kisses, his cuddles.

"Y/N are you okay? It's been 15 min-" your brother interrupted the kiss.

"What the hell are you doing?" you pulled away from Gavi.

"I could ask the same question hermana." he looked at Gavi. "Look, I know you still love him. I should be the perfect child and say that you can't do this, but I can't see you suffer anymore. You clearly not happy with that guy." he sighted "I will help for the two fo you, okay? I will cover you hermana and I will take care of this "marriage". I want the best for you. But Gavi you have to promise me one thing." he looked at him. "Don't make a scene. I don't care what is happening don't make a scene okay?" he looked at him with his death stare.

"If it means that I can be with her again then fine. I promise. I'm not gonna make any kind of scene." he promised.

"Let's go Y/N. They're worried a bit." he pointed behind him.

"Okay but first you go." you looked at your brother.

"Okay, okay, I get it. But hurry." he went back to the tables. You instatnly hugged Gavi.

"Don't worry Pablo, we can be together soon. Just really, don't make a scene. Don't break this promise." you looked deep into his eyes. "Although it's funny I should say that when I was the first to break our promise." you laughed a bit.

"You didn't break any promise. You promised that you will love me forever and you still love me." he put a lock of your hair behind your ear.

"Yeah, that's true." you giggled. "I really have to go now before they find us." you pointed.

"But before you go promise me one more thing." he touched your ring. "One day, you take this ring off your finger, put on mine and call me your husband. Promise?" he took of the ring.

"Promise." you kissed him. "Te quiero mucho, mi amor."

"Yo también te quiero mucho princesa." Gavi said. You gave him a last kiss and you went back to the table knowing that it wasn't your last kiss with him.

[howdoesagrapewrites]

GOLLY GOLLY GOSH, I JIST BINGED YOUR YANDERE GAYATRI X PAVITR X READER FICS AND OMG 🤭🤭

It’s so gooddd but I can’t help but wonder what would happen if the reader just didn’t understand love- like totally. This is so entirely spurred on by my own problems and IFHY by Tyler (live laugh love Tyler the creator 🙏) but like just imagine them x a reader who just doesn’t understand love and believes love is just being aggressively possessive and obsessive over someone.

I can just imagine Gayatri, Pavitr and the Reader getting into a heated argument and the reader just flat out says they hate them both with this dead stare- and then they follow it up with telling them both that they love them but now Gayatri and Pavitr realize there’s nothing behind the readers eyes when they say ‘I love you’. It’s not love, it’s straight obsession. Idk I just feel like it’d be an interesting idea for a fic :D

Also your writing is so good! You should totally take up a Career in writing or write a book, I just love how you describe everything!

𝙒𝙚'𝙧𝙚 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙖𝙩 𝙗𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙙

Cw: the usual yandere stuff, manipulation, psychological abuse, kinda yandere reader?

Notes: I hope I did this request justice, I rewrote it a lot 😭if you don't like it you can always request it again, I'm really nervous about this because I don't want to disappoint you😿

"I fucking hate you both" the words leave your lips like nothing, like the grocery list, like small talk, like those words didn't carry the weight of the world. Heavy like a rock, and as plain as one, simple combination of five words, from the infinite combinations possible with the 171,476 words recognized in the Oxford dictionary, and the roughly one million words used by english speakers, it took you only five words to unleash hell, to emotionally destroy two people in ways one person cannot calculate or articulate.

You'd been accepting and supporting (you were simply unbothered, however they see it like that) of their unorthodox way to carry the relationship, you had a few "quirks" of your own as well something that they both accepted and loved, so this came as a shock. In Pavitr's mind, you don't mean this, you're simply upset, but his thoughts race back and forth thinking what did the do to upset you, what he did. It couldn't be Gayatri, she's perfect, it has to be him, it's always him, he's the one that puts your lives in danger all the time, it's his fault Gayatri's father almost died, his fault your universe was almost wiped off of existence, and now he has made you upset. In his mind there's no much difference between dying and being forgotten, or worse, even loathed by you, well, maybe there's one. That he'd rather be dead.

But Gayatri is another story, she refuses to accept whatever you meant. Her mother left, you can't leave too, she cannot be alone in this world again, and as if out of self preservation, she's possessive over you, over Pavitr, over your relationship, she's authoritarian but so deeply fragile, wearing her emotions on her sleeve, trying to be calm and collected, however she miserably fails when the scalding hot sentiments make their way from her chest to her mouth. She will trap, fix, change or break anything that is necessary to ensure she's never left alone again, even if "anything" includes your mind.

They stand before you, dumbfounded, with expressions that in less than a second can vary between sadness, anger, disappointment, terror, paranoia, outrage, and probably more, probably that's just the tip of the iceberg.

And all you do is stare, you watch their contorting faces and with the dead silence, it's almost like you can hear the blood pumping through their veins, full of anxiety.

Before they can properly process your statement, you contradict it, to anyone it seems like you're toying with them, like a cat watching its prey agonize. At heart, the cat is innocent, the cat does not posses a moral compass that will tell him to either stop or further the pain of their lizard, the act of torture cannot be sadistic if the perpetrator doesn't find pleasure in it. The vile acts of a creature that lacks malice.

"I love you" and life seems to recover its rightful flow, or it should, they could ignore what you said and take you back just like that, but it doesn't work that way, not when you have two obsessive lovers.

"What do you mean?" Gayatri is distrustful

"That I love you."

Pavitr notices first, notices your blown pupils and lost gaze, no emotion behind those eyes he adores, had it always been that way? Has every "I love you" meant the infinity of the void?

And Gayatri, she always knew, she loved everything that was there to love about you, even if you didn't understand, if she needed to show you the depth of her love through aggression, violence and obsession, she will.

"I love you too" they said at unison.

[booktomoviebrawl]

We are not judging how bad the movie is, we are judging which adapted the book the worst. There are good movies that are bad adaptions.

Propaganda below the cut (spoilers may apply)

The Seeker: The Dark is Rising:

Painfully generic-dumbed-down-fantasy-action trying to channel better film franchises instead of the atmospheric, mythopoetic and lyrical children’s book it is technically based on. Bonus points for the open contempt people involved had for the source material, both in how they treated it and what they said about it.

BAD. Bad bad bad!! They completely changed Will's character. In the books he does get frustrated sometimes, but is mostly kind and patient and really makes you believe that he is both an ancient being and an 11 year old boy and in the movie they changed it so he's like really mad and angsty and just the total opposite of his actual character!! Absolute butchery. And they cut the Wild Hunt! And changed a bunch of other plot stuff and it overall just sucked.

where do I even begin. they made the main character American for no reason (this is perhaps the most egregious change), aged him up to 14, and added a straight romance subplot. they were so indecisive during production that they CUT AN ENTIRE MAIN CHARACTER in the time between the trailer and the actual film release. they completely fucked up all of Will’s family stuff. in pursuit of “relatability” they got rid of everything that makes the book good and put in THE most generic, poorly written, poorly acted (except Christopher Eccleston, who did okay), and poorly produced garbage. it was in theaters for like…less than a week; we were supposed to see it for my birthday but it was already gone. it doesn’t even have, like, half-decent special effects. it is an insult.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children:

While Miss Peregrine was one of my favorite books as a kid and incredibly unique in the way the story is written (The author basically took a box of weird antique photographs and created an underlying story behind a handful of them) the movie is incredibly boring. Like seriously I can't remember a single goddamn thing about the movie besides my extreme disappointment with it after leaving the theatres. It's probably because the original is a trilogy but they didn't want to make it a trilogy for the movie so they just scrapped the ending of the first book and rewrote a shitty climax where they threw snowballs at the nightmare child eating creatures or something. I remember THAT scene perfectly because it was so, so dumb. It was so stupid oh my God- ALSO, thank God I have a copy of the book from before the film came out because new copies don't have one of the photographs that the actual book uses as a base anymore and instead have the shitty movie poster! We truly do live in a society.

Changed way too much so it doesn't feel like the same thing. The main characters are these kids with different abilities (called peculiarities) and the movie switches around their powers and changes almost everyone's age. Emma and Olive switch powers so that Emma now floats (they also added that she can kind of control air to some extent) when she's supposed to have fire powers to match her fiery personality. Olive can make fire now and she's also aged up from an eight year old to a teenager and put her in this weird romance with Enoch. Enoch is also aged up from a grumpy thirteen year old to around the same age as Olive. Bronwyn, one of the older kids in the book and sort of a motherly figure to the younger kids, is now one of the youngest kids. Hugh and Fiona are aged down and basically have no interaction at all in the movie, even when their book counterparts had such a good relationship. The only one they didn't really change was Horace and Jacob. They also added these gorgon twins that do like two things. The antagonist in the movie is Mr. Barron who honestly isn't super memorable and isn't in the books whatsoever. The ending of the movie is weird too because they manage to turn back time somehow so Jacob's grandfather isn't dead and then he hops through loops so he can be with Emma and the other peculiars. I guess the problem of wights and hollowgasts is magically eliminated and we do not have to deal with the consequences. It took six books to fix everything. I appreciate that the movie engaged me enough to read the series but once I did, I could not believe they did my kids that dirty.

Yikes where to start. The 3 girl characters are all mixed up. There are 2 teens, one who's super strong and has a brother (I'll get back to him) and one who controls fire and is the love interest named Emma. The third girl is a child called Olive who floats. She's lighter than air.

In the movie, strong girl is the child, olive is now the fire girl and is for some reason super introverted, and Emma the love interest floats and gets given a super breath??? Power?? Like she rises a sunken ship by blowing in and keeps a man blown against a wall by blowing air at him. He makes a remark that she'll run out of breath eventually, which happens here because plot convenience, but not when she's blowing in the sunken ship.

The enemies in the book are terrifying Hollows. Creatures who have lost themselves and devour souls of those with powers... The movie decides they eat eyes now. And turn human again. And get busted up in a fair for the final act of the movie. Ugh.

The movie also decides randomly that time travelling through the loops is a thing; a loop being a pocket of time that replays the same day over and over. But apparently this means Main Character can travel back in time and stop his grandfather dying??? What?? His grandfathers death is the whole start of the movie and motivation for the character.

The movie undermines many of things that made the book amazing and even decides it's not a trilogy anymore!! Fuck the other 2 books, right?!

Tldr; it is terribly hollywood-ised and t tim Burton ruined a franchise by trying too hard to make it quirky and fun when the books already had a brilliant sombre and interesting tone to them.

[roseblushwrites]

ao3 wrapped [writer edition]

I know it's supposed to be an ask meme but I am not going to sit here and wait to be asked when I feel like just answering all of them right now! It has been like two decades since I last got to do a MySpace bulletin survey and frankly I miss infodumping about myself!!!

How many words have you written this year? 125,547. Which, quite honestly, does not seem like it could possibly be true.

How many works did you publish this year? 17

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? Probably Lovers in a Fable and Engraved Upon My Heart, they're my two longest one-shots and I managed to get some actual plot in with the smut for once.

What work of yours has the most hits? Lover, Be Good to Me

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected? Known in the Ache. It was the first fic I'd posted in 13 years and I was not expecting a single person to notice or care.

Favorite title you used? The Force of Forbidden Love by Jusjuli Doutgods makes me laugh every time I see it still.

If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most? Hozier.

Pairing you wrote the most for this year? Cal/Merrin

Favorite pairing you wrote for this year? This is mean. I'm going to say Cal/Merrin though because they have more content to be inspired by than Jyn/Cassian, and they didn't require me to do the work of making up an OC, like Gale/Tav. So they were just easier to write about.

What work was the quickest to write? I honestly don't remember! I feel like for the most part my one-shots take an average of the same amount of time to write.

What work took you the longest to write? Known in the Ache. I wrote all of it before I started posting, over about five months. The first draft was only from Jyn's POV and was about half as long as the final version - I rewrote almost every part of it for the second draft and added in all the Cassian POV sections at that point.

How many WIPs do you have in your docs for next year? Seven, lol. Though most likely at least one of those will get written and posted before this year is over.

What’s your longest work of the year? Known in the Ache, 41,632 words

What’s your shortest work of the year? Watch Me Unfold, 1,963 words

What WIP are you taking into next year with you? For sure Hope to the Edge, my Merrical cowboy AU... but I also accidentally wrote an outline for a smutty one-shot in the urban fantasy Merrical AU setting I thought would never exist anywhere other than my own brain, so also that one.

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag? Aside from the obvious ones like "established relationship" and "shameless smut" and tags for various sexual acts that are basically on all of them, the answer to this is probably "consensual voyeurism"

Your favorite character to write this year? I have to say Cal. I have not loved a character the way I love him in yearrrrrssssss. He is just so earnest and I love his journey. And I just think he and Merrin deserve to fuck nasty 🤷‍♀️

The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year? Gale Dekarios. Good lord. I love this sweet man but his vocabulary and speech patterns can be so hard to get right. I think (hope?) I've mostly gotten the hang of it now, but every fic I still have to basically write the version a normal person would say in the initial draft and then "Gale-ify" it on the edit.

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year? Um... recent developments have me thinking a lot about a Karlach/Wyll/Dammon OT3. I've never written anything like that so it would be a challenge, but I am thinking about it 👀 kind of a lot 👀👀👀

Which work of yours have you reread the most? I actually have no idea. I usually reread everything I post several times in the first day it's up (and spot all the tiny edits I missed or new things I want to change 🙄) but after that I kind of... never look at it again lol.

How many kudos in total did you get this year? 2,433 😭♥️

Which work has the most comments? Known in the Ache, because it's the oldest and longest

Did you do any collaborative works this year? No 😞 maybe next year!

Did you write any gifts this year? Yes I wrote Lovers in a Fable for Sarah aka dangerwillrobinson aka @icapturedthecastle because it was her birthday and I wanted to do something nice for her 🥰 my love language is dedicating smut to my friends

Did you receive any gifts this year? Sarah dedicated free to a good home to me on my birthday because she's the best. clone club 4 lyfe

What’s your most common category? F/M

What do you listen to while writing? Most of the time it's Goodnight Moon ASMR videos because they're always so cozy and comforting but aren't the kind of ASMR that make me sleepy, but also aren't really distracting (which music tends to get for me).

Favorite work you wrote this year? My favorite is usually whichever one I just finished, so Engraved Upon My Heart at the moment.

Favorite line/passage you wrote this year? I'm going to be annoying and do lines from each character in my pairings. Favorite Cal line: “I know that first one was for you,” Cal panted into her mouth. “But this one’s gonna be for me, okay?” (Bedroom Hymns) Favorite Merrin line: “You bumbled too much for it to be lurking.” (The Force of Forbidden Love by Jusjuli Doutgods) Favorite Cassian line: “It’s okay,” he said. “I’ll keep you warm.”(Known in the Ache ch. 10) Favorite Jyn line: “Can I at least get a knife or something?” (Known in the Ache ch. 9) Favorite Gale line: “Oh, but maybe we’ve already arrived at that point.” (Lover, Be Good to Me) Favorite Tav line: "You might be made of magic, but magic is not made of you." (Engraved Upon My Heart)

Biggest surprise while writing this year? Honestly, that I could still do it 🙏

[project-aphelion]

08.01.2023 - Chapter 10

Haaaaaappy August! I finished editing Act 1 of APHELION, woohoo!

This chapter is 4940 words long, bring the total count to 37575. 

The previous draft at this point was 47218 words long, for comparison.

In the previous draft, I actually got up to one chapter past Act 1. Instead of pushing ahead though, I’m going to go back to Suddence and edit that up and have that all prepped for critiquing. Exciting! 

Ramblings about the ~journey~ so far below the cut!

The worry I had with removing Cay from the story was that it would leave the story too short, too boring, too simple, but the more I work on the new version, the more I realize that isn’t the case. The story is working SUPREMELY well, and I’m already re-imagining the rest of the story and I think the change actually adds MORE intrigue, especially around Rian’s past.

In case it wasn’t clear before, while Cay’s POV is deleted from the story, Cay as a character still exists. In the previous blurb, I described him as “a scavenger who is supposed to be dead.” Well. I basically simply decided that the thing that almost killed him did actually kill him, and now he only exists in documents and vague flashbacks. I think it’s more interesting this way! And honestly, possibly more effective.

For a bit of a throwback, in the beginning of July (as in, THIS July,) I was still struggling with the idea of moving forward with the wip. All the way up to July 20th, I was still hemming and hawing about the prospect of removing Cay’s chapters. I was so torn, and I couldn’t commit, but I tried writing a new first chapter (for Shelby), and on the 20th, when I finished the chapter, I finally decided: I am removing Cay. I can’t move forward with the story if I can’t make a hard, solid decision.

And now, eleven (???) days later, I have re-edited and rewrote the first act to fit the new story, completely changing the trajectory of it. It went from a five-book sprawling sci-fi war series to a standalone. It now only has two POV characters. And it is working so much better for it.

It’s so fucking wild that less than two weeks later, so much has changed.

[amethystina]

Hi <3

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about "Gravitational Pull"? Answer it now!

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about "Who Holds the Devil"? Answer it now!

8. What song would make a great fic (to either write or read)?

I hope you are okay and have a lovely day/night <3

Hi! 💜

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about "Gravitational Pull"? Answer it now!

I honestly have no idea. But to avoid this being the most boring answer to a question ever, I guess I can explain that Gravitational Pull was only meant to be a stand-alone fic at first but, as time passed, I realised how tempting it was to keep going with a series of connected "What if" fics where I basically wreck the canon.

Apparently, making Yo Han and Ga On kiss in episode 13 can throw everything out of whack if you want it to.

There will be five fics in total if my plan holds up (fingers crossed?) and will basically feature the rest of episodes 13-16 of the drama. Except each fic will have one, big "What if" scenario slapped onto it which will change the events considerably. And, obviously, also change the events that will take place in the coming instalments.

I'll basically be pushing a bigger and bigger snowball of canon divergences as I move along until I eventually reach the end. And who knows what that ending will entail?

(Why am I doing this again?)

Anyway, in the next one, the "What if" scenario is: "What if Ga On gets shot instead of Soo Hyun?" and the one after that is: "What if Ga On can derail Kim Choong Sik's execution without telling everyone that the Live Court Show is fake?" and so on and so forth.

And they will be posted as separate fics, not additional chapters to Gravitational Pull, since they will all have slightly different themes and focus. It just felt more reasonable from a narrative and storytelling standpoint to post them separately.

And, naturally, the one I look forward to writing the most is the fifth one — because fuck my life x'D

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about "Who Holds the Devil"? Answer it now!

This is just as difficult as the first one, if not more so because, uh, there's a lot to talk about when it comes to Who Holds the Devil. But a lot of it I say in my author's notes already so it's kind of hard to pinpoint something I haven't already said xD

But here's a fun fact: The most difficult chapter to write so far was Chapter 1. There have been difficult chapters since then, especially those that are emotionally heavy or, more recently, demand a certain level of suspense, but none were as difficult as that first one. Partly because I had to restructure it three times before I got it right. The very first draft actually jumped straight to Ga On getting the text from Elijah but I realised that didn't give it enough impact, so I basically rewrote the entire thing two times until I was satisfied.

And, admittedly, it also took me a while to get Ga On's voice right. Or, rather, to let myself write him the way I instinctively tried to do but my brain kept second-guessing. Partly because he was a new character to me (which is always daunting) but also because the style is a little different from how I usually write. My writing is always pretty descriptive, but Ga On takes it to a whole new level x'D Especially where emotions and impressions are concerned. It's all very visceral and that threw me for a second. Not to mention that a lot of it seems to rely on repetition, which most people are taught is a bad way to write. So there was a lot to get used to.

And, quite honestly, I almost stopped writing the DAY after I had started x'D I felt so out of depth and everything was new and strange and I was so nervous about writing a story set in a country and culture I don't actually know (that still makes me panic every now and then) and... yeah. Just a lot of anxiety there at the beginning.

Thankfully, a lot of it has settled by now and I feel a lot more confident about both the writing itself and my characterisation. And that's no doubt why the first chapter will always be the most difficult one I had to write, since it was the one that gave me the most anxiety.

The second most difficult chapter to write was Chapter 23, because I was injured and also couldn't decide on what I was actually writing so the chapter became an unstructured, unstable mess and I almost had to completely rewrite it. And the third most difficult was Chapter 25 because of the sheer level of pain, anxiety, and grief Ga On goes through. The fact that my grandad died while I was working on it definitely didn't help, either.

8. What song would make a great fic (to either write or read)?

I'm so bad at this question that soon I'm going to have to start picking obscure Swedish songs that the majority of you won't understand and just hope you don't call me out on the weird choice xD

Anyway, jokes aside. I answered this question in this ask but, if I have to pick another song, I'll go with There's a Rock by Brolle (or Brolle Jr as he was going by at the time). It's a duet he sings with Frida Snell and I was reminded of how much I love it two weeks ago.

So I'm picking that, not necessarily because it has the most spot-on lyrics, but because it's a song I genuinely love.

(Fun fact: My big sister went to the same high school (-ish, the school system is different in Sweden) as Brolle but he graduated the year before she got there. So her only claim to fame is that she stole his chair when she visited the school for an open house/school tour before actually applying for it)

Questions for fic writers

[boltlightning]

🌈,🎀, 🎙️? please and thank you!

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

oh man. recency bias at work here, but:

i keep almost everything i write even if i scrap it — and the killed darlings for bare your teeth (a 20k-word epic about jamuel l. norrington surviving his fate) total around 5k words. i wrote and rewrote and rewrote so many scenes. i had a lot of ideas that never got written, each more self-indulgent than the other, and rewatched the end of AWE more times in a month than any human should. "i don't think now is the best time" is a track that microwaves my brain for more than one reason as a result

the title and hound motif did not even come to mind until i was like, 80% of the way through writing it and proofreading to avoid having to write the fight scenes. that's the magic of editing babyyyyyyyy (and probably speaks to how i wrote this thing in a feverish state over the course of a month)

please enjoy a scrapped snippet of dialogue for your troubles:

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

🥲 the hardest question of all!!

i guess i do enjoy my own prose!! half the fun of writing for me is setting up situations in the most luxuriously scenic way possible, and it's been long enough that i think i've a handle on describing a clear picture. i love to read about sunlight and windows and i sure do write about them a lot

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

i had to google what a podfic is but ok ok i see i see i'm on board now

HMMMMMM......i'm not an audiobook person in the least so i feel like i'm not in the best place to pick a piece of my own! i think o sleeper (older sappy final fantasy piece about sharing dreams) might be interesting — half of it is dream sequences, and there's an ephemeral, transient quality that could be interesting to mimic in audio.

recency bias showing here too: monsters of men (potc, character study in media res) is all snark even in the prose, and it'd be fun/scathing/perhaps mortifying to hear that aloud :)

[partyinthemysterymachine]

decided to reroll in let's go eevee and play as Rose (Mason-Sunderland) and it's been so much fun y'all. she definitely has a hypno named Lullaby and somewhere a jigglypuff named Purin bc this is my game and my cringe. she has some pokepasta pokemon. and a rhyhorn she named after Douglas that she rides on. and i love that for her a lot

that said she's a riot to think about in pokemon universe. nothing cohesive but yeah. as far as what about harry and james? oh; you know. they're.... ....... they're fine. just chillin :)

named the rival Alex (sorry to the one alex i do know i just name characters based on vibes 😔 he's cool tho) and since i never named her Actual Rival (jk her childhood friend but close enough) in the ACTUAL -adjacent universe, yeah sure we'll go with that for now. sorry @ original characters Lane and Grayson but literally Rose is more important than your nameless kid. Sorry

ummm. GOOMT updates: need meds so waiting on that but also i kinda ummmmmmmmm accccciiidentally maybe kinda sorta rewrote the next 3 chapters' outlines to change their subject timing so uhhhhh g. gimme a second to decide which one works the best and then spruce up what i've got. cuz uh. see i tried to make a tentative planning timeline like back in deccember and the issue is that i knew this might probably happen adn so at least i can say I Tried but yeah now i've got two other alternatives to think about before i settle bc it really does matter!!! hahaha. oh boy

at least i think i've almost got the ch1 rewrite done. we'll see. bc the issue is that i'm thinking about it. and New Lore may appear. Lore Relocation as well. Hmmm. curiouser. and curioser. and tbh i didn't really want to start with ch1 and work totally chronologically. ngl. so i might finsih the ch1 rewrite and hold off on it. finish some other ones. and then post. so ch1 isn't so fuckin JARRING of a writing styl change LOL from ch1 to ch2 like BAM oh shit what the fuck happened here y'know??? LOL. so yeah just. gimme a sec to work wiht that i've

i've literally beenw ithout my brain worky-right meds for a few days here as well as none of my medical speed and tbh. hands on hips. hhhh. yeah we'll go with that lol. boy you notivec a difference but it's ok. it's fine. it's fine i have an appt tmrw it's fine

anwyay so listen

rose, right. so about young rose

[britswriting]

Unbroken (24)

Unbroken Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Warning: This chapter jumps around a little bit, like changing scene wise, because it's deleted scenes from chapter 21, along with the deleted date night scene from deleted chapter 22.

They're a part of the storyline, and needed right now, but it's a little "choppy" due to taking out what originally happened between Leigh & Colby that I deleted and rewrote. I didn't want to rewrite these scenes over again, when they are already how they should be.. sorry lol

*Leighton's POV*

The date today is June 3rd and I am almost 14 weeks pregnant, and I was honestly starting to understand why everyone complained during pregnancy.

I had gotten even more "symptoms" so that was fun and totally not a pain in my ass at all.

I had a date tonight, and I was honestly feeling extremely nervous, especially since I had gotten these amazing new symptoms.

Not to mention that I had a real bump now.

It was honestly hella cute, and I loved looking at it whenever I could.

One morning I just woke up with a b u m p. Like it wasn't some pudgy little bloating, but it had actual form to it.

It didn't change in size like it used to, unlike how when Colby saw my bump after I drank all that water and it was mostly bloating. It stayed its shape and was starting to round out quite a bit which was cool.

I've started getting round ligament pains which has been fun. What that means is the sides of my belly like to hurt because my womb is expanding to fit my little baby. I've also started getting some pretty intense headaches. My boobs were still sore as fuck and I've just accepted that I'll be spending 9 months of my life with boob pain, and then whatever happens when the baby is born.

My boobs have definitely grown, which meant I needed to buy more bras. Definitely something a broke bitch wants to do, right?

My pants were also starting to get tight which did not at all help my body image issue at the moment, or my bank account.

I was extremely nervous as to what the third trimester was going to be like, if I ALREADY had to go buy new jeans.

I figured I would be one of the women who's milk comes in before the baby is here, and I was conflicted if I was looking forward to that.

I read that your colostrum can start coming in as early as 16 weeks, which meant I needed to invest in a pump pretty soon if that was the case.

I also needed to figure out if I wanted to freeze my breast milk or donate it, if it did in fact come in early.

Surely I won't need MONTHS in advance of saved breast milk before the baby even gets here, right?

I knew I needed to keep the colostrum for when the baby was born, but I wouldn't need all that extra milk, right?

Another cute perk of pregnancy, is it ruins your underwear. Which meant I lived in period underwear, only adding to my body image issues.

Nothing says sexy like period underwear.

You thought period discharge was bad? Wait till you're pregnant.

I wasn't even sure what I was going to wear on this date tonight. I didn't want to ruin my nice cute underwear all because being pregnant is a bitch, but also didn't want to show up to my date wearing granny panties.

I kept hearing how wonderful pregnancy was, and so far it wasn't bad. Nothing insane has happened, just slight inconveniences to my life. When I was 13 weeks pregnant, when the discharge had started, I had a mental breakdown in the bathroom thinking I was bleeding, my brain telling me I lost the baby, when in reality I had a gush of discharge leave my body.

I was still emotional, but it wasn't as bad as it was in the first trimester. I felt a little more like myself. I was still taking my iron medication and working on lowering my blood pressure.

I now had a reminder alarm for each morning to take so many vitamins, because another thing no one told me about.

You don't just take prenatal vitamins. I swear my bedroom is a walking pharmacy.

I was laying in bed last night after I had finished texting Aaliyah and googled what was going on with my baby and it only led to crying.

I wanted to know before I wrote in my baby journal, but I hadn't even gotten to open the journal before my eyesight was completely blurred.

My baby was growing hair on its head, eyelashes and eyebrows. It was gaining more of an identity and the idea of all of this going on whilst I was laying in bed made me very overwhelmed.

So much was happening without me even knowing it. The idea of just a tiny little baby growing eyebrows inside my stomach whilst I cried on the couch or ate a brownie in the kitchen was quite the weird feeling.

You honestly feel pretty insignificant once you kind of just sit there and think about how much is going on inside your stomach whilst you're lounging on the couch watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I was currently at my parents house, waiting for my brownies to finish baking in the oven, before I was going to go over to Gabriel's apartment so we could talk about the baby, and what we were going to do.

I was working really hard on the art piece for Sam and Colby, along with making sure the house stayed in order whilst my mom was recovering.

She's gotten a lot better recently, but brain surgery recovery is no joke.

It sucks watching her suffer, but it's nice to know she's at least getting better, and will hopefully be back to the woman I used to know.

I haven't seen Gabe in a while, and we only texted a few times which made this whole situation a lot harder.

I knew he really was trying, and that he was super busy with work.. it just sucked to know I couldn't roll over and snuggle him in the middle of the night or bitch to him at 3am when I was in too much pain to sleep.

Aaliyah and River had come over last week to help me figure out a plan to keep this baby, because every time I thought about giving away my little baby, I felt my heart get torn apart, so I knew I couldn't. Which meant it was game time.

I needed to figure this out, and I needed to figure it out now.

River suggested opening up an art shop, but I didn't feel like handling the stress of managing the orders, and the business pages, but I still needed a job which meant we were back to the drawing board.

No pun intended.

After a couple hours of going through things I could do whilst pregnant, my dad suggested a teaching job, but there was only one problem, most teaching jobs need a college diploma, which I didn't have.

My dad and I spent a while looking online for teaching jobs, and we came across one for a High School part time art teacher, which sounded too good to be true.

It wasn't too far from Sam and Colby's house, it fit my hours for Target, and it didn't seem like it would be insanely stressful to where it would be bad for my blood pressure.

We looked more into it, and I submitted my resumé and artwork to them, hoping to God they wouldn't want a diploma, or I was screwed.

Target paid okay, but it definitely wasn't enough to support my bills and a baby.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't getting nervous as to what I was going to do when I was too pregnant to work, but since I was under so much stress right now, I figured that was an issue for another day.

I jumped when the oven beeped, taking out the freshly baked brownies when my brother's boyfriend walked into the kitchen.

"Those smell good Leigh!" Braxton complimented and I thanked him, setting them down to cool.

"I'm not a good baker, but I'm good enough to fulfill my cravings. This baby is going to make me gain weight like nobody's business" I laughed, touching my very prominent little bump.

"It's good to gain weight when you're pregnant Leigh. You're growing a baby" Landon reminded me, and I knew it was because of my pizza night meltdown, but I chose to ignore that.

I had finally figured out what I wanted to do for the birth of my baby, which was exciting. I watched a lot of videos of people's Storytime videos and what they went through. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't insanely nervous to talk to Gabe about what I had decided. I really wasn't looking for another fight, so I hoped he'd just trust me and go with the flow, but knowing him, that would be far from the truth.

We had talked over the phone about the adoption idea, and he was completely against it. So I guess that all worked out since I wanted to keep this baby anyway, I just needed to figure out how I was going to do that financially.

He also said I needed to remember about the income I'd also be getting from him to help pay for the baby. I knew his income would be helpful, but definitely not enough. I honestly did keep forgetting that he is a part of this baby's life since he hasn't been very active in the pregnancy. I haven't even considered that I would be getting a portion of income for this baby from him. I was kind of stuck on the idea of doing it all alone and it was all I could think about. I was trying really hard to remember that he was also working, plus he had a fresh new relationship to care for.

Like a flower. He had to water it, give it sunlight and I just prayed he didn't fertilize it too.

I wanted to rip his flower apart, but I knew I had to be a grown up about it, but that didn't stop me crying about it at 1am every night when I felt lonely and stressed.

Speaking of being lonely, I haven't heard from Aryia, and honestly, I didn't want to. It was a mistake, and I knew it shouldn't've happened. I was horny as fuck, but I should've used better judgment, and I wish I could take it all back.

I knew I had really hurt Colby, even if he wouldn't admit it to me. I was honestly just tired of unintentionally hurting him. I wanted to be his friend, but all I managed to do was disappoint him. It felt like every time I tried to take a step in the right direction, I was just one step closer to falling off the cliff, or maybe even being pushed off.

It was the same exact feeling I felt in High School, and I had no idea how to fix it, let alone where to even start. My old way of coping was to smoke and do drugs, but I couldn't exactly do that now that I was pregnant.

I'd be lying if I told you that the past few weeks, I haven't been insanely nervous that I will be kicked out. I knew Colby said he forgave me, and has even hung out with me and been super helpful for Landon... but that didn't change the fact that I still think he has hurt feelings over the whole being lied to situation.

Yeah Colby and I have been on good terms, but that doesn't take away the fact that we were both avoiding having a super in depth conversation again of what had happened.

Every time I tried to, he seemed to not want to talk about it. I honestly just wanted to clear the air, but it seemed like he just wanted to forget about it.

I just didn't want to just throw another Skelton into my closet, because at some point it will come tumbling out and be blown up in my face, yet again.

I was currently apartment hunting alongside job hunting, but I haven't told Sam and Colby that.

I had no intentions of moving out right now, but I at least needed this stuff on my radar the closer I got to giving birth to this baby. I didn't want to bring my baby home for the first time into my roommates house. I had already inconvenienced their life enough as it is, I didn't want to add a baby on top of that.

One of the issues I was running into was a lot of places wanted a record of your work in the sense to make sure you could afford rent and most places wanted you to be working somewhere for two years to even consider you as a renter, which made things a lot harder.

It doesn't help that living in LA made everything insanely expensive and I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't have fleeting thoughts about moving back home to Minnesota.

At least their rent would be a lot cheaper for a lot nicer of a place.

I would also be lying to you if I told you I didn't have a plan to tour some places I had found in Minnesota when I was going to visit my Aunt and Uncle.

I wanted to figure out what my best option was for my price range, and what place would give my baby the best chance of growing up with a good life.

"Leigh, when are you leaving?" I heard Landon ask, watching him wrap his arms around his boyfriend, hugging him from behind.

"Um.. shit I should've left five minutes ago!" I yelled, quickly grabbing a lunch baggie and shoving two brownies into it.

"BEING PREGNANT IS A PAIN WHEN YOU NEED TO LEAVE! I WANT TO EAT THESE BROWNIES BUT I NEED TO PEE!" I yelled, setting the baggie down and going to the bathroom.

That was one thing I was looking forward to being over with. Using the bathroom so often.

I couldn't leave the house without using the bathroom, and the inconvenience was extremely aggravating.

I have at least learned I have to pee less the less I move around, which gave me another excuse to lounge on the couch whenever I could.

I was convinced I was having to pee more than I should be at 15 weeks, but what I learned is it doesn't matter how far along you are as much as it does where the baby is sitting. I also thought I had a UTI, which is common when you're pregnant, but I went in and was all cleared, so basically I just get to suffer by almost peeing my pants every day.

When I arrived outside of Gabe's door, I could feel my heart race out of anticipation for the conversation that was ahead of me.

I slowly knocked on the door, holding my breath as I heard the click and watched it open.

"Hey, how are you?" Gabe asked, hugging me.

"I've been better. I'm warning you now, I will be leaving in a hurry to pee very often" I grumbled, wishing my baby would move. Worst case it was my uterus's fault for growing, but I was trying not to think about having this problem, this bad, for so long.

I had googled ways to move your baby, but none of the positions had worked so far, which only made me feel frustrated and disappointed.

Gabe and I had small talk for a little bit, trying to figure out how to bring up the topic of the birth.

I knew it was inevitable, but I was still afraid. I decided to bite the bullet and just go for it, hoping it didn't bite me in the ass later. "So... I was thinking about the birth" I trailed off and he tilted his head, shifting his seating position.

"What about it?"

"I don't think I want a hospital birth" I spoke quickly, not wanting to chicken out.

"WHAT?! What do you mean you don't want a hospital birth! What, are you just going to have our child on the fucking floor?!" He yelled, startling me.

"Why are you yelling?"

"YOU'RE TALKING CRAZY! A hospital is the safest place for a baby to be born!" He exclaimed.

"I understand that, but research shows that home births are just as safe. Yes, there is fear of complication, but if I die I'd rather die in my own home"

"Okay but if our baby dies because you wanted a home birth, do you know how we would both feel?!" He shouted and I could hear in his voice how blind sided he was, making me feel bad.

"Don't say that" I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes at the idea of my baby dying.

"THAT IS REALISTIC LEIGHTON! THE BABY COULD DIE! A hospital birth is the safest for the baby!"

He made me feel extremely guilty now, like I was a horrible mother just by making this one decision on my own.

"THE BABY COULD DIE AT THE HOSPITAL TOO! Can we stop talking about our baby dying please?!" I sobbed, unwanted visuals filling my thoughts.

Gabe sighed, running his hands over his face in frustration. "Why do you want an at home birth?" he asked, sitting back down.

"I can have a home birth, a hospital birth or there are birthing centers" I told him, feeling anxiety creep up.

"Why would you want to put not only yourself, but your baby at risk like that? We both know the hospital is the safest route! Why would you want to pick anything other than the safest for our baby?" He asked, sounding judgmental and I felt myself get defensive.

"I'm not! I understand that the hospital is the safest place to give birth in, but what about comfort? I don't want to be in a white room with beeping machines as I push around strangers, sharing our moment with people who don't care. I want to be able to have my baby without being stared at. Without feeling like a science experiment! I don't want to be a study! I want to be a mother!" I felt myself get choked up and I heard him sigh.

I knew what I meant to get across wasn't happening the way it was supposed to since I was extremely emotional right now, and certain pin points were sounding irrational, but I was feeling upset that he would accuse me of not wanting the best for my baby.

All I could think about is what was best. It's a thought that controlled me twenty four seven. If I wasn't thinking about what the best for my baby was, I would've done a lot of things differently.

"Okay, well let's talk about it. I'm sorry for yelling. You know where I stand, but I'm willing to hear you out as to why you want a home birth" He said and I nodded, taking a deep breath and wiping at my tears.

I got up quickly and blew my nose then peed before coming back, seeing Gabe was on his phone.

I rolled my eyes and sat back down.

"Really?" I asked and he looked up, his eyebrow furrowed.

"What?"

I shook my head and decided to let it go, getting comfy on the couch.

"I want to birth my baby in the comfort of my own home. My own space, people I trust. With people who have our best interest. I don't want to be in a bright sterile room with a million strangers. I did a lot of research. I'm not just having this idea out of the blue. Death rates are no lower at home than they are at a hospital. You have a trained midwife who is basically like an OBGYN, I'm not just popping out a baby on my own. They do the same process a hospital does Gabe. It's basically the same, just it's in our own space. I'm not saying this is a deciding factor for me, but it is a perk that it's cheaper. You don't rack up a hospital bill from staying. You don't have the drive home. You're already home. I give birth and go to bed in my own bed. The idea of being home, staying home, and having everything for the baby here, makes me feel a lot of comfort. Laying our baby in their bed right away, and not in a plastic bin... everything about a home birth sounds more humane. I know it sounds silly... but wouldn't you rather look at our newborn laying in their bed than in a plastic box on wheels?" I asked, wiping at my eyes.

"I understand why you think this way, but I'm thinking along the sides of, what if something goes wrong? I don't mean to get dark again, but what if the baby isn't breathing?"

Gabe bringing up the baby dying once again, made it extremely clear to me that this was one of his biggest fears. That he thought about this an awful lot to where it was clouding his thoughts, and opinions.

"We call 911" I said and he shook his head, seeming frustrated.

"What if it's too late? You don't have everything you need right down the hallway Leighton! I really don't think this is a good idea" He shook his head at me and I was feeling cornered.

It was my baby, my body, my decision.

He wasn't the one pushing a bowling ball out from his vagina.

Before I could reply, my emotions took over again and I just started crying, feeling extremely overwhelmed, having no idea what to do.

I came in with a plan, and I felt like it was being torn at the seams.

I completely understood where Gabe was coming from. His fears and concerns were extremely valid... but the idea of doing everything at home just seemed so peaceful and relaxing.

I felt like he didn't think I was afraid.

I was deathly afraid.

I felt like I was doing everything wrong twenty four seven.

Like no matter what decision I made, it was always incorrect.

I was the one who had to carry this baby for nine months, all by myself.

That's a pretty big ask, and to have someone think you're being reckless just feels like a kick in the balls.

I knew the hospital would be the safest, especially since it was my first baby, but something about a home birth just felt so magical.

Gabe and I did research on home birth versus hospital birth, talking about the risk, the logistics and what we would do if there was an emergency.

I tried really hard to hear his side of the story. Hear out his thoughts, and not let my impressions be clouded by me wanting to do the home birth, because I did understand his concerns. I had the same concerns, and I was trying really hard not to let my reasons make me mad at his.

"You're only thinking of the worst case scenario! What about the best case scenario? I'm comfortable, the baby is safe, we are in our own house-" I rambled and he shook his head, his hands clenching and unclenching repeatedly.

"Whose house is that going to be Leighton? Your new roommates?" He asked harshly and I frowned. "I live in an apartment, Leighton! I highly doubt you want to give birth in an apartment and you don't even live here anymore!"

"I don't want to give birth in their house. I don't want to inconvenience them" I sighed, taking three of my fingers and rubbing my eyelid, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and tired.

"So then where do you plan to do this whole home birth thing? We don't have anywhere to do it. The hospital makes the most sense. I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk, but having a home birth sounds like a bad idea in many ways"

"What about a birthing center?" I asked and he groaned

"Leighton!"

"WHAT?!" I yelled, tiredness taking over my rational thinking and reactions.

"You're not listening to me" He shook his head, pacing in his living room.

"I AM LISTENING TO YOU! You're not listening to me! I completely agree with you if that was the worst case scenario, but what if it isn't?! What if we have this magical home birth and not one where our baby fucking dies?!" I yelled and he clenched his fists before unclenching them and shaking his hands out, putting them in his jean pockets.

"I understand the best case scenario, but you need to also go down that road of what if! A hospital has the best trained doctors to help the what if's! I love you and I hear you, but I don't think a home birth or birthing center is a good idea"

"But what about the best case scenario?" I fought and he rolled his eyes. "I don't want to do an epidural. I can't, so I don't need a hospital for that, which is really the only perk to going through the hospital" I informed him and Gabe shook his head.

"Leigh, this is going to hurt a lot. It's there to help you" He tried to explain but I shook my head.

"I know what a fucking epidural is dumbass. I don't care if it's going to help my pain, I don't want to start recovery again!" I shook my head and I stared at me.

"Leigh, you don't have to restart recovery. You're not taking it because you want to feel high and numb. You're taking it to push out a baby! That seems like a pretty valid reason to take a drug!"

"My body was made to do it naturally" I argued and he tilted his head, his eyes narrowing at me.

"And how many people in the 1800s survived labor? Huh?" He asked and I glared at him.

"That has nothing to do with the fucking epidural!" I yelled, feeling anger build up in my chest.

"Leighton, I love you but you need to think clearly. I'm not trying to bully you or pressure you into the hospital choice. I'm sorry if it's coming off like that, but all I can think about is the what if something went wrong and we aren't at a place that can help us immediately? What if the baby dies on the way to the hospital? I'm sorry for being so morbid, but I can't help it. Do you know how often I think about something happening to you or the baby? Do you know how badly it kills me that I'm not right by your side all the time? I don't regret breaking up, but I do regret having a baby when we aren't even together. It's so hard to know some other man is loving up on my ex-girlfriends or that her roommates know more about my baby then I do!"

"You're not even trying! You don't visit, or plan to hang out with me! You constantly miss appointments, you've barely shown interest!" I argued and he shook his head, sitting back down.

"I'm trying just as hard as you are to prepare for the future, which means I get to spend less time focused on the present. You have to know that as much as it kills you, it kills me. I would love to see my little baby boy or girl on the screen, to hear the heartbeat, or feel the baby kick, but that isn't realistic. Do you know how expensive it's going to be to not only pay child support, but also buy stuff to keep here. We have to buy two of everything!" He exclaimed and I pouted, forgetting he also has to care for this baby.

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked and he sighed, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry if you feel like I'm lacking in the baby daddy department, but I'm trying to figure everything out just as much as you are."

"I've looked into picking up another job as well" I decided to tell him, but before I knew it he was angry again.

"YOU SHOULDN'T BE WORKING THIS MUCH LEIGH! YOU'RE PREGNANT!"

"We need money, Gabe! You even said so yourself!"

"But you don't need a second job Leighton!"

"I DO! MY TARGET JOB AND YOUR CONSTRUCTION JOB ISN'T GOING TO SUPPORT OUR BABY! IF WE CAN'T SUPPORT OUR BABY, OUR BABY WILL BE TAKEN AWAY GABRIEL!"

"WHY DO YOU THINK I'M WORKING SO MUCH!? I know we need money! You're bitching at me that we don't have money and that I'm not doing enough for the baby, WHEN I'M TRYING. I'm sorry I can't be around you twenty four seven because I'm picking up more shifts at work and helping out where I can so you don't have to take the second job! It's not good for you to be on your feet that much, let alone be even more stressed than you already are! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL OUR BABY LEIGHTON!" Gabe yelled and my eyes widened, shaking my head and standing up to slip on my shoes.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?" He shouted.

"HOME!" I yelled, grabbing my keys and slamming the door behind me.

~

"I'm so nervous!" I whined, a towel wrapped around my body, my hair dripping down my back.

"It's going to be fun Leigh!"

I was currently in my coworker's apartment, anxiety burning my insides alive.

"He's seen my picture right? Like I'm not going to show and he's gonna be grossed out right? He knows I'm pregnant?" I rambled and she laughed nodding.

"He knows you're pregnant. He's seen your picture. He knows you have tattoos. Can we get you ready now? He's going to be here in two hours" Aimée asked and I nodded.

I spent the rest of my afternoon with her, and now I was getting ready for my date tonight.

I tried to distance myself from Gabe and I's argument to have a good time tonight, but certain parts were still screaming at me in the back of my head, no matter how hard I tried to turn it off.

I dropped my towel and slid on a lace bra that was white and had pretty details on it, along with a white thong. I sighed when I looked at my thighs and ass, seeing the cellulite litter them.

What if he hated the cellulite on my thighs?

Was my ass too small?

"Your boobs look good in that bra" She said and I smiled, shaking my head. "You're wearing that white shirt dress I have right?" She asked and I nodded, remembering our conversation over text.

Sam, Colby and Jake were out visiting their friends' new place, which meant I was all alone. When Aimée learned this information, she decided now was the perfect time to get ready for the date.

She said we had the whole afternoon to get myself feeling like a million bucks, so I was holding her to it as she paid to get my nails done, including a pedicure.

I haven't had a pedicure in so long, that I swear I was going to orgasm from it.

I now understand why pregnant people love having their feet rubbed when they're in their third trimester.

I'm barely in the second, and it felt like pure heaven.

I had befriended a couple people from work, but I wouldn't say we were best friends or anything, but I could definitely see it happening. She was super nice to me on my first day of work and she's been by my side since.

"You have so much hair to play with! I miss this!" She laughed, brushing my hair out for me whilst I brushed my teeth

"The shaven look, looks so good though! I don't have the balls for that" I giggled and she grinned.

"I thought the same thing, and then I finally did it, and I've loved it since!"

Aimée had stunning dark skin that complimented her buzzed head and a couple pretty piercings. She also had a few tattoos, but no more than I had. Her clothing hugged her thicker body type that I was honestly envious of. I loved the way her jeans clung to her hips and the way her boobs looked in her tops.

When I was in High School, I had a weird body type that was basically thick and thin in all the wrong places. Now that I'm out of High School and pregnant, I'm kind of getting that body everyone wants, but it still looks weird in certain places. Now I had a bump which meant I didn't have that slim stomach everyone was looking for. I've never had a slim tummy, even at my lowest weight, so the hope for that has gone out the window.

We put on some music and got to work drying, and straightening my hair.

"HEY HEY YOU YOU I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND" She shouted in the bathroom, laughing at ourselves in the mirror. "NO WAY NO WAY I THINK YOU NEED A NEW ONE!" We yelled at each other.

"You're so fine I want you mine you're so delicious" We practically moaned, our backs arching against each other as we used whatever we were holding as a microphone, laughing.

I grabbed the makeup to start prepping my face." I don't know how you don't have an Instagram" Aimée grumbled and I shrugged, knowing we already talked about this.

Aimée had a private Instagram and wanted me to follow her, which led to the somewhat dreadful conversation about how I didn't have any social media.

"HELL YEAH I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING PRINCESS!" We yelled and I saw she was filming making me laugh.

"SHE'S LIKE SO WHATEVER I THINK YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER!" We jumped and I started laughing.

"SO COME OVER HERE AND TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR, BETTER YET MAKE THAT GIRLFRIEND DISAPPEAR I DON'T WANT TO HEAR HER NAME EVER AGAIN!" We yelled

"In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger" I stuck up my middle finger, waving my hand. "Cause I can, cause I can do it better!" I stuck my tongue out throwing up both middle fingers as she took my photo and I laughed harder, watching her take the end of a makeup brush

"I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE ME, NO IT'S NOT A SECRET!" Aimée sang into the makeup brush.

~

"But you become somebody else around everyone else!" We sang and I saw my phone was ringing with a FaceTime call seeing it was Katrina. I had gotten my face primed and foundation laid on, and I answered it.

"TELL ME! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED!" Aimée scream sang

"Hey! I see you're having fun!" Kat laughed and I smiled, nodding.

"I hear you guys are too! We are having two very different parties" I giggled and she grinned, nodding.

"What are you doing? Why are you in your underwear?" She laughed and I grinned.

"I have a date! We're getting ready" I grabbed the concealer and drew two triangles under my eyes, grabbing my beauty blender

"You have a date!? Since when!" Kat gasped and I giggled, feeling the warm piece of hair fall down my back.

"HE WAS A BOY, SHE WAS A GIRL, CAN I MAKE IT ANYMORE OBVIOUS!" Aimée yelled, straightening my hair, skipping the last song.

"HE WAS A SKATER BOY SHE SAID SEE YOU LATER BOY!" Aimée danced, making me laugh.

"Since yesterday. Aren't you supposed to be with Sam and Colby?" I asked and she nodded, flipping the camera around to show Sam was in front of her, talking to some girl and guy I didn't recognize.

"Send me pics when you get dressed!" Kat told me and I agreed, grabbing my eyebrow pencil.

"Aimée, this is my roommate's girlfriend, and my friend Kat, Kat. This is my coworker and now friend Aimée" I introduced, letting them talk for a minute so I could focus on my brows.

"I haven't worn full glam in so long" I breathed out, leaning closer to the bathroom mirror to see how they looked.

"Remember Leigh, Sisters, not twins!" Aimée reminded me, watching me intently inspect the hair above my eyes.

"Has Colby ever seen you in full glam?" Kat asked and I shook my head.

"He's seen me in like, slight glam from the day I let my brother do my makeup, but I haven't done date night glam in a couple years. I was a little uh.. preoccupied to care about my looks to be honest" I muttered.

"You should def take pics and send them to me!" Kat yelled over the music. I could see this little get together turned into a house party, so I knew the likeness of either of us coming home was slim.

"Hey Leigh!" Sam said and I gasped, dropping to hide behind the counter.

I grabbed the towel and covered my body, popping back up.

"KAT!" I yelled and she giggled.

"I wish it would've been Colby" Kat spoke and I glared at her.

"SAM YOU CAN'T JUST POP IN LIKE THAT! I WAS IN MY UNDERWEAR!" I yelled, clinging the towel to my chest.

"It's no worse than seeing you in a bikini. I'm very happy with my girlfriend, I could care less" Sam explained, kissing Kat's cheek.

"Gross, and I care! I don't need you seeing my date night underwear!"

"Ohh! Is someone planning to get laid?" He asked and I flipped him off making him laugh.

"Anyway, how's the party?" I asked, letting Aimée finish straightening my hair.

"It's alright. Colby's getting black out drunk with some friends, so one of three things will happen. He's going to end up in bed with some girl, annoy Sam and I on the way home, or be extremely stupid with his friends" Kat shrugged and I laughed, remembering some of the drunk Colby stories I've been told. I've never seen him drunk, but from what I've heard, it's quite the experience.

I talked with Kat for a little bit before she went to go hang out with some friends, leaving me and Aimée to finish.

"It looks good!" I complimented, watching my hair do a swoosh movement as I spun to the side.

"Your makeup looks good too! I would do just a nude or light pink lip or something" She said and I nodded, digging through her lipsticks.

"So who's Colby, and why does your friend want him to see you in full glam?" Aimée asked and I sighed.

"He's my roommate. Her boyfriends, best friends. They keep teasing about us getting together" I shrugged and Aimée raised an eyebrow.

"Is he cute?" She asked and I smirked, tilting my head at her.

I showed her his contact photo and she grinned so big that her eyes squinted.

"How haven't you hit that yet?" She asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Please he's always mad at me and there is more to being with someone than them just looking hot. They need a good personality and attitude dumbass" I grumbled, tired of people saying I should fuck Colby or date him.

"Oooo, cute rough makeup sex" She wiggled her eyebrows at me and I narrowed my eyes at her, shaking my head.

"Okay but enemies to lovers is so hot!" She practically moaned and I rolled my eyes.

"It's not cute, it's troubling and cliché. All those dumb enemies to lovers books, the relationship is shit and someone always ends up heartbroken"

"Ohhhh, so you're looking for a relationship?" She smirked.

"Aimée, we are literally getting ready for a date that YOU wanted me to go on!"

"OH YEAH LET ME GRAB YOUR DRESS!" She yelled, running out of the room.

Aimée walked in with the outfit draped over her arm, heels in hand.

"Put your cute flats in your bag just in case" She said and I nodded. I had worn some white flat sandals to her place, and I was glad the bag I brought was big enough to fit them.

I slipped on the cute dress, looking at myself in the mirror.

"I'm going to spin, make sure you can't see my ass" I twirled a couple times and she said I was all good, so I slipped on the heels.

"We got half an hour to take some bomb ass pics!" Aimée cheered, grabbing her phone and polaroid camera. I snapped a quick pic and sent it to Kat.

We spent the next 15 minutes taking photos, and she showed me the ones with my bump.

From the side, you could see the very tiny little bump poking out, but I flattened the dress against it so it peaked out more, and I was obsessed.

"I might make you take my maternity pics" I spoke in awe of the imagery.

"What does he look like again?" I asked, inspecting myself in the mirror again.

It's been a long time since I've gone on a proper date, and it would be my first actual date after my break up, so saying I was insanely nervous would be an understatement.

She handed me her phone and I swiped through a few photos, nodding.

I took a deep breath and shook my hands, trying to get rid of the jitters.

"Put your phone on the charger till we leave. I can text you the photos"

Before we knew it, there was a knock at the door, and Aimée was opening it, letting the stranger into our safe space.

"You look beautiful" He spoke and I gave a small smile, glancing towards the floor.

"Thank you. The navy blue collar shirt and dark jeans is drool worthy" I accidently said and my eyes widened. "Wait- no! I'm sorry!" I quickly tried to recover but it was too late.

He chuckled and nodded. "Thank you" he smirked and I wanted the floor to collapse.

"I'm sorry! It's my first date in a long time! I might keep saying stupid shit" I covered my face with my hands, but I felt his hand grasp my wrist and pull my hand off my face, my eye peaking open.

"Don't hide. It's cute" He reassured me and I shook my head.

"It's not cute! It's embarrassing! I understand if you don't want to go out with me now-" I quickly spoke and I watched his forehead wrinkle.

"Why wouldn't I still want to go out with you? You basically just said you found me attractive and liked my outfit. As far as I'm concerned, this date is already off to a good start" He winked and I blushed, playing with the ring on my finger.

We put in some studs and a couple rings on my hands, and now I was kind of regretting the rings.

I knew it was a nervous habit, so I was starting to question if I should take them off and leave them here. Maybe that would prevent my fidgeting, or maybe I'd just replace it with something else....

~

"I can't believe I did that!" I groaned, crouching on the floor with my head in my hands, except in what I thought would be a graceful crouch, my little bump hit my knees and down I went on my ass, the palms of my hands bracing the fall on the floor.

"Woah! Are you okay?!" He spoke frantically and I nodded, taking a deep breath. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry.

He offered me his hand and I took it, letting him help me up and steady me on my feet.

"You know.. if you wanted to see me shirtless, all you had to do was ask. You didn't have to spill your water down the front of me" He teased but my hormones decided to not take it as a joke, and I just started crying.

"Fuck! I'm so sorry!" I sobbed, already knowing I'll never see this man again.

"Hey! It's okay!" He cooed and I frowned, feeling like a baby.

I quickly walked out the restaurant door, tears rapidly falling down my face as I cursed myself out over and over again.

I made a fool out of myself!

I stopped walking and leaned against a wall, hearing my name being called out.

I opened my contacts and tried to quickly decide who to call.

I didn't want to let Aimée down, and I didn't want to worry her since he had done nothing wrong. Kat, Sam, Jake and Colby are at a house party. My brother is out of town picking up their new dog.

"Leighton!" He yelled and I heard running coming towards me.

"No it's okay! I'll find my way home-" I started but he shook his head, stopping in front of me.

"Are you okay?" He breathed out quietly.

"No! I fucked it all up! I've said and done so much stupid shit it's embarrassing!"

"Hey, we all do stupid stuff here and there. The water was an accident, don't beat yourself up about it. I've said dumb stuff too, but I promise I find it cute. It's cute that you're all worked up and nervous that you're fumbling over your words and saying weird stuff. It makes you human. I don't need the world's perfect girl. I need my perfect girl, and as far as I'm concerned, I think I've found her" He smirked and I frowned.

"It's the hostess isn't it?"

He rolled his eyes and chuckled.

"Can I do something stupid?" He asked and I narrowed my eyes.

"Like what?"

"Can I kiss you?"

* * * *

Okay I've read through this so many times pre editing, I don't want to do it again. If you find any mistakes, sorry. It's pure laziness again.

Imagine reading through this chapter like 10 times. You'd get tired too lol

The January stuff is cause I used stuff from the deleted scenes lol

Wrote on:  January 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 19th, 20, 21st, February 5th, 13th 2022

Word Count: 7672

Part Twenty Five

[kryoymir]

Advent is out on Friday, so I thought I would sit down and talk about the song, a little more in-depth than I have before.

This song is, generously, at least three years old as of this writing. I'm not sure on the exact date because it first came to life on my old laptop, then got copied over to my current rig, but I know it's been quite a while, to say the least.

Originally, I wasn't sure direction I wanted to take it. The riff is mellow, and I had thought about trying to keep it that way for the longest time, but it just kept mutating to something more energetic. I must have deleted everything and gone back to square one at least a dozen times with this song. But ultimately, the first draft - the one that eventually became the version I'm releasing- is the one that spoke to me the most. Granted, I kept very little of it. I changed the drum samples AND patterns, tweaked the effects, and completely rewrote the bridge. I also changed the verses at the absolute last minute... Again. I'm pretty sure I did the same thing with Black Lotus too.

As for the title, Advent (which is still hard for me to remember is the actual title considering it's been breeep for three fucking years!)- it was originally intended to be a funny little nod to the release date I originally set, which was July. July is, of course, my birth month, and I have two prior releases on my actual birth date- this is also why my astrological sign is on the cover and video. Now, I would like to say I do NOT subscribe to the school of thought that says the position of the stars when you're born infallibly decides what kind of person you'll be for the rest of your life. I've also dated or pursued too many people that thought this way and feel it's total bullshit- no, Kyra, you're not a bitch because you're a Gemini or whatever, you're a bitch because you two-timed me! Anyway, enough of openly shitting on my ex, back to story time.

I changed the release date because the planned release of the album is October, and I wanted to space things out evenly - you'll notice Advent is almost exactly two months after Black Lotus, and Aerial comes in August. Having a little break keeps up a pace I think isn't too demanding but hopefully keeps people at least tangentially interested in my music.

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the song. I fought with my distribution service to keep the cover the way it is but I'm taking the barcode off Aerial and SoC's covers to avoid that in the future. See you soon!

[procrastinatingsapphictrash]

Blanket burrito

Word count: 3069

Genre: Fluff

Pairing: Natasha x gn!reader

Warnings: None (let me know if I need to add any)

Request: I was wondering if I could request a Nat/Reader fic? Just a cute fluffy sick fic where Natasha gets sick somehow (I know she doesn’t really get sick because of the serum but shhh) and she’s also stubborn about going to work. Reader wrestles her into a blanket burrito and takes care of her and Natasha won’t admit it but she’s a little emotional about finally having someone to take care of her and she totally soaks up the affection. Just if you have the chance/want to write it ☺️❤️

Summary: Natasha is sick so you force her to rest and show her how much you care about her.

A/n: Thank you so much for the request @caspianalexander it's honestly one of my favourites ever. I didn't quite know how to write this so I hope it lives up to your expectations because I love the idea so much. I literally rewrote the entire fic and I'm still not completely satisfied but if i don't post it now I never will. So anyways I hope you all enjoy!

“Hey!”

You look up and smile at Natasha who just walked into the living room but that smile quickly turns to a small frown. Something is off with Natasha. She looks different today and not in a good way. She’s beautiful of course, you think it’s impossible for her not to be, but her nose and eyes are a bit red, her forehead and cheeks are flushed and the bags under her eyes are bigger. If you didn’t know better you’d think she looked sick. But Natasha is never sick.

“Are you okay?” you ask in place of a greeting.

“I’m fine. Just bored of Steve’s mission report lecture so I told him I had to go to the bathroom and came here to find you. I wonder how long it will take him to realize I’m not coming back.”

You roll your eyes at her behaviour. She is perhaps the most knowledgeable person on the team when it comes to breaking down missions and running over strategies but she also hates it more than anything so she and Steve are in a constant battle where he tries to get her to do stuff and she tries to avoid him. She might be lying about looking for you since it’s more likely she just wandered here but the thought makes your heart beat a little faster and your cheeks heat up.

“How did you know I’d be here?”

“You’re always here.”

Her eyes very obviously go to the stack of books and paper on the coffee table in front of you and you flush, embarrassed at being so obvious or maybe embarrassed that you’re boring, you’re not quite sure of the reason. The only thing you know is that you’re embarrassed an awful lot around Natasha for a variety of stupid reasons.

“Right.” you mutter and she laughs. But her laugh which is normally like music to your ears is a bit scratchy and nasally which reminds you of your earlier suspicions. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” she restates. “Why do you keep asking?”

Her defense almost convinces you. Almost. But her eye contact is a second too long and her voice is slightly too low for her to be telling the truth. Most people wouldn’t notice, especially because they assume someone’s voice gets higher when they are lying, but you spend too much time paying close attention to Natasha to not notice.

“Because I know you’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“So then I’m wrong in assuming you’re sick?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Really?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“And the reason you’re not talking has nothing to do with holding in a cough right?” you ask on a hunch.

“Oh fuck y-” she gets interrupted by her own loud cough and nearly doubles over hacking.

Your smile you had on your face as you were teasing her slides away and you put your book aside and hurry over to her, rubbing her back in the hope that it will help her breath easier. After about a minute she straightens up and attempts to glare at you although it lacks any real anger.

“You know you really shouldn’t hold in your coughs like that.” you tell her.

“I don’t like coughing so if I pretend I’m not sick maybe it will go away.”

“But coughing actually makes it go away faster, it’s the body’s natural way of getting rid of germs so even though it sucks it’s actually a good thing.”

“I forget how smart you are.” she says and you feel yourself puff up at her praise. “How do you know something about everything?”

“Well I don’t really, I just know a bunch of random stuff so it seems like that.” you explain. “And I read a lot of books and papers, I watch the news, go on social media and other stuff so since I can remember facts fairly well it seems as though I know a lot. And now I realize that was a rhetorical question so I am sorry for boring you.”

You feel stupid for going on and rambling about something Natasha doesn’t care about but before you can be too hard on yourself Natasha giggles. Like actually giggles. If you weren’t sure she would notice you’d pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming. Except you’re fairly sure this is reality because your brain could never come up with anything as outlandish as the black widow giggling.

“You’re adorable.” is all she says and maybe this is neither a dream nor reality and you’ve died and gone to heaven.

“I’m- phhh, I’m not - “ you stumble over your words, not really getting anything out.

“You’re proving my point.” she tells you, amused by your reaction. “Now do you happen to know any random facts about how to feel better faster?”

“Um, well there’s medication.”

She rolls her eyes. “You know I don’t like medication.

“Right, sorry.” you say, quick to correct yourself. “But other than that there’s really nothing to do except nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“You know, like do nothing?”

“Why would I do nothing?”

You stare at her trying to figure out if she’s being serious but answer her question like she is, just in case. “So you can rest and get better.”

Natasha sighs. “I don’t want to rest, I’ll just do what I always do.”

“What do you always do?” you ask, already sort of knowing the answer. If you know Natasha as well as you think you do she probably usually pretends she’s not sick.

“Pretend I’m not sick.”

“That’s ridiculous Nat.” you tell her. “It must feel awful.”

Natasha shrugs. “Feeling sick feels bad either way so I might as well get stuff done.”

“Have you ever tried resting when sick?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know it’s not any better?”

Natasha seems stumped for a moment before she speaks again. “Because it still feels awful as I’m going to bed or waking up.”

“Yeah but that’s not the fun part.”

“The fun part?”

“Yeah!” you say, happy to share and remembering times you’ve been sick. “When you rest and someone brings you tea and a popsicle to sooth your throat. Or getting to lie down and watch tv all day. Missing school when I was younger was the best and now I get to miss work. Sleeping all day is kinda fun too, especially when cuddled up with someone. And being cared for feels nice.”

Natasha looks down. “Nobody has ever done any of that for me.”

You can feel your heart break for her. She always acts so strong that you sometimes forget how much she needs to be loved. You can tease her about not knowing how to act when she is sick but that’s because nobody ever taught her or cared for her enough.

Usually you hate doing anything too obvious that will make Natasha figure out your feelings for her but right now her happiness needs to take priority. And if she does find out at least she’ll know that you care. So with that in mind you walk back over to the couch to grab a blanket and commence plan Force Natasha To Rest.

“What are you doing?” Natasha asks as you grab the blanket off the couch and walk back towards her.

You ignore her and continue to do your thing, starting to walk around her in circles and wrap the blanket around her body, binding her arms to her sides and successfully confusing her further. You’re pleasantly surprised that she doesn’t try to get away at all and just stands there with the most adorably confused look on her face. It takes a second to finish putting the blanket in place but you tuck it the corner under and it seems to hold so you take a step back to admire your work.

“Y/n?”

“I’m doing that for you.”

“What?”

“You said nobody’s ever done that for you but now that’s going to change because I am going to take care of you.” you tell her.

“Y/n…” she warns but her face is even more flushed than before and she makes no move to try to escape the blanket even though you know she could in a second if she truly wanted to.

“Don’t argue with me.” you tell her, trying to appear confident in your plan and not like you’re making it up on the fly. “Now go lie down on the couch while I make you some tea.”

She opens her mouth like she is going to argue but changes her decision last minute. “Fine.”

Satisfied with her response you walk over to the adjacent kitchen but pause in the doorway just to make sure she is actually headed towards the couch. When you look back you have to stifle a laugh at just how ridiculous she looks. Apparently she decided to try to get to the couch while still wrapped tightly in the blanket so her steps are actually little tiny shuffles as she moves and the fact that her arms are pinned to her sides only makes the sight funnier. You’re tempted to call out and comment on it but you feel like if you do she’ll become self conscious and stop so before she notices you staring you turn back into the kitchen.

Luckily Tony spares no expense when it comes to gadgets and the kettle boils the water in next to no time. For the tea you choose a lemon ginger one that is uncaffeinated. It’s not your favourite flavour but it’s a calming one that you like to drink whenever you have a sore throat or are trying to fall asleep. Natasha needs all the rest she can get and judging based on the horrible cough you can hear coming from her now, her throat has to at least be mildly sore.

When you reenter the room with the tea it’s now impossible not to comment on how adorable she looks. She’s lying across the couch still wrapped in blankets and she just looks so sick and pitiful and innocent that you wish you could take a picture and keep it forever.

“You look so cute Nat.” you tell her, your cheeks flaming but feeling proud when you see her cheeks do the same.

“I’m not cute.”

“Yes you are.”

As you speak you drop down to a kneeling position beside the couch and absent mindedly give her a kiss on the forehead. It’s not until you pull back until you realize exactly what you just did but it’s too late to take it back so you pretend like it’s a normal everyday occurrence and your heart is not threatening to beat out of your chest.

“I’m a trained assassin, even when I am sick I am still capable of murder.” she warns.

You let out a small laugh. “I’m sure you are Tasha but that doesn’t mean you’re not adorable.”

Her eyebrows scrunch and her lips pout as she huffs, her expression unknowingly proving your point.

“Now drink up.” you tell her, holding the mug to her lips waiting for her to pull her head up a little. Once you’re sure she is upright enough to not spill. She takes small hesitant sips at first but once she realizes it’s not hot enough to burn she takes a couple big gulps, sighing as the liquid hits the back of her throat in just the right way. When she stops and you’re sure she’s done with it for now you take it away and put it down on the coffee table.

“Tired?” you ask with a laugh as she yawns.

She shakes her head stubbornly. “Nope.”

“Since you’re not tired do you want the tv on?”

She shakes her head again. “Can you please read to me?”

“Read?”

“Yeah.” she confirms, gesturing at the books piled up on the coffee table that you were reading earlier. You heard her the first time but it was something that you never expected her to say so you needed to make sure just in case you misheard and started embarrassing yourself.

“Those aren’t stories, most of them are historical or scientific.”

“I don’t care, I just want to hear your voice.”

“Oh, um, okay yes.” you manage to stutter out in response, completely surprised by her words. You feel all warm inside that Natasha wants to hear your voice. You don’t know why but you certainly aren’t going to question it and you would do practically anything for Natasha anyways so you pick up the top book about chemical warfare and start to read.

It seems strange to be reading about such a disturbing topic as if it were a bedtime story but as you read Natasha’s eyes start to droop and she looks more and more tired. You’re pretty certain she’s not actually listening to the words you’re saying and just paying attention to your voice. It’s only when her eyes close and stay closed do you shut the book and stop reading, putting it back on the table.

“Why did you stop?” Natasha’s sleepy voice asks, her eyes still closed.

“Because I thought you were sleeping.”

“But I’m not!”

You snort. “Was that a whine I heard Tasha?”

Her eyes fly open and she glares. “No. I do not whine.”

“I don’t know, that sounded a lot like a whine to me.”

“You must be hearing things then.” she says but you both know she’s lying. “And you mentioned something about cuddles earlier?”

Your stomach feels all fluttery but you force yourself to keep calm.

“Is this your way of asking?”

“Maybe,” she admits. “Now shut up and come here.”

“Who knew you’re needy when you’re sick?” you tease her.

“I’m sorry.”

“What, Nat!” you say, thrown off by how serious her tone is all of a sudden. “I was teasing you, I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?”

Your heart breaks at all unguarded her voice sounds. “Natasha, listen to me. I thought I already told you but now I��m going to make it very clear. You don’t have to apologize for asking for cuddles because I want to take care of you. I know this is new for you but you have to trust that I want to be here and I want to help you. I want you to ask for what you need so I can give it to you. Do you understand?”

You’re a bit worried that your little speech might have gone too far when Natasha doesn’t answer right away but when you look closely you can see her eyes are a little teary but she’s smiling. You assume she doesn’t want to speak for fear of accidentally crying because she hates it so you don’t push her.

“Now scootch over.” you tell her, hovering at the side of the couch unsure of exactly how to get on. It’s not a particularly big couch so it will be pretty squishy.

It’s funny to see her wiggle in the blanket, trying to move to the side but she’s fairly successful. You however cannot hold in your laugh when a thought occurs to you.

“What?” Natasha asks as you awkwardly climb in beside her.

“Nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, what is it?” she asks again, a little more forceful.

You smile and decide to share. “Well I was just watching you and realized you’re like a cute little burrito right now.”

“No I’m not.”

“You’re wrapped in a blanket like a burrito.” you say with a laugh that only gets louder at Natasha’s frown. “My little blanket burrito.”

“Yours huh?” Natasha asks, wiggling her eyebrows.

The entire mood of the conversation flips and she’s in control and your mouth is dry as you nervously wait for what she’ll say next. But just as she’s about to speak she starts coughing again, saving you from great embarrassment. You use this as an excuse to distract her from whatever she was planning to say.

“No more talking.” you tell her. “It’s time for sleep, you agreed to rest today.”

“I didn’t agree to anything.” she protests when she can talk without coughing again. “You practically kidnapped me and forced me here.”

“Shush you love it and you know it.” you tease. “Now sleep.”

“Fine.”

She’s silent for a few minutes and you think she’s gone to sleep when you feel her start to shift and turn so that instead of lying on her back she’s on her side facing you. You’ve never really been this close to her so you take the time to memorize what her eyes look like close up. They’re pretty and there are so many small specks of different shades that they are impossible to describe. Your attention is only taken away from them when she speaks.

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, I’m here for you whenever you need it.”

Perhaps you sound a little too in love and desperate but maybe you’re not really trying to hide it anymore. Natasha has been so open with you today that it makes you believe you might have a chance at her recuperating your affects but even if you’re wrong you think she deserves to know how much you care about her. But any worry you might have about her not returning your feelings is gone by the time she speaks.

“I would kiss you but I don’t want to get you sick.”

“I think it’s too late for that.”

“You better be right.” she says and then she’s leaning in.

The kiss is short, sweet and soft. It’s nothing like you imagined when you imagined kissing her for the first time (and you imagined it a lot) but even though she’s sick and it doesn’t sound like it should be perfect it is. And when she pulls back and smiles you know that she’ll take good care of your heart and you can only hope she knows the same.

She rests her head on your shoulder and falls asleep almost instantly, tired from being sick but you stay awake longer, stroking her hair and just laying in the comfort of the knowledge that she likes you. You don’t even care that you’re definitely going to be sick tomorrow because all that means is you can spend the entire day with Natasha cuddled up and watching tv which sounds pretty perfect if you ask yourself.

[mackenzielovee]

10 + 19 from the blurbs list! Roll with it, I trust your vision. Just make it a lil angsty plz 😍

a/n: ahhh i actually totally rewrote this bc i hated the first one hahaha so i hope you like this! thanks for your request love ;)

Warnings: swearing, kissing

Word Count: 1.1k

my writing

leave with me - rafe cameron

The bonfire's supposed to be fun. That's all you can think about as you stand about thirty feet away from JJ and his latest adventure, some blonde tourist bitch who doesn't know a damn thing about this island. He's drunk, you know he is, which is why you're sure he's going home with her tonight.

That's exactly why you're drunk. You're sitting down with the red solo cup in your hand, staring down at the substance inside as if it is supposed to take away all of your negative feelings. It doesn't.

"Hey, sweetheart."

You hear the voice beside you, and regret looking as soon as you meet the eyes of Rafe Cameron. He's got a snapback on and a cup in his hand as well, but the first thing you notice is the wide smirk on his face. Almost like he's enjoying this whole thing.

You roll your eyes at him and look forward again, hoping if you ignore him long enough, he'll just walk away.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks, amusement present in his voice, "JJ and that hot bitch, I mean?"

You scoff and glance down at your almost empty cup, shaking your head at him.

"Why are you such an asshole?" you ask him, refusing to meet his eyes.

"What?" he laughs loudly, "I'm offering to be your shoulder to cry on. How is that being an asshole?"

Your head snaps over to look at him, no longer afraid. Surely, he's not serious with what he just said.

"Just fuck off, Rafe," you decide not to even bother.

You bring the red cup up to your lips and take the last gulp of the alcohol. You're unaware of how Rafe watches your lips wrap around the cup and you're unaware that he swallows and takes a deep breath before he looks away from you.

"All right," he grumbles, sitting down beside you, "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be an asshole, if it helps."

You furrow your eyebrows as you look over at him, "It's supposed to make me feel better that you're not actively trying to piss me off?"

Rafe nods his head and shrugs, then takes another sip of his beer. He points to your cup and then looks over at you, ignoring the way your lips shimmer under the bonfire light from the beer that rests there.

"Do you want another?"

You consider his question, then glance up at JJ and the blonde girl. He's standing between her legs and whispering in her ear, giggling with her every time he pulls away. You frown and Rafe watches as you nod and tell him you do want another.

"Yo, Top!" Rafe yells over to his best friend, then raises his cup to signal another drink.

"Oh, I forgot," you huff, "Kook Prince would never get his own drinks."

You roll your eyes as Rafe laughs at you. He shakes his head and takes another drink of his beer before he speaks again.

"Cool it with the attitude," he tells you, "I'm kind of your only friend right now."

You scoff, but quickly realize he's correct about that. Topper runs the drink over and hands it to Rafe, who waves him off quickly. You laugh at the way Topper runs off, obeying Rafe's every command.

"M'lady," he presents you with the cup, giving you a cheeky smile.

You shake your head as you take the beer, but you can't help the smile that plays on the corners of your lips. Rafe sees this and smiles himself, knowing he's making progress.

"You know," he starts again, "I could always help you make JJ jealous."

You raise your eyebrow as you sip from your fresh cup, "You think you could do that?"

Rafe takes offense at you suggesting he isn't capable of making another guy jealous, so to answer your question, he scoots closer to you on the bench and wraps his arm around the back of it. It's not a direct movement, but it's enough to get your heart beating.

"He's never even going to notice," you frown, looking over at the two of them once again.

"Oh, don't worry about that, gorgeous," Rafe whispers, setting his drink down on the ground and then placing that hand high up on your thigh.

Your breath hitches in your throat as he touches you. He watches your expression change from playful to serious, and he cheers internally. You can't help but move your eyes down from Rafe's down to his chest, then down to his hand on your leg. He picks at the fabric on the bottom of your shorts, then rubs the palm of his hand down your soft skin.

"Um," you say, feeling your body going crazy enough that you forget how to actually say words.

"Yes, sweetheart?" he grins, leaning in even closer to you.

You swallow, mentally preparing yourself to kiss the Kook Prince himself. Rafe is only inches from you now, and when those inches become centimeters, he turns his head over in JJ's direction.

"Get a fucking room, Maybank!" Rafe shouts, earning JJ's complete attention.

You feel your cheeks get red as JJ spots Rafe all over you, so you look away as you hear Rafe chuckle lowly.

"Oh, he doesn't look too pleased," Rafe tells you, "But he isn't coming over here. We're gonna have to seal the deal."

You look back at Rafe to ask what he means, but you don't have the time. He grabs your cheek with one of his hands, pulling your mouth to his quickly. His lips move against yours and the kiss makes you feel like your mouth is on fire. It lasts for what feels like an hour and one second at once.

"Oh," you say when he pulls away, not even meaning to speak out loud. Rafe smirks widely when he sees your expression.

"Personally," he whispers to you, "I don't give a fuck about JJ Maybank. Would you like to get out of here with me, pretty girl?"

You're practically drooling by the time he finishes speaking. The idea of kissing Rafe Cameron like that for the rest of the night is enough to make you nod feverishly.

"Fantastic," he grins.

He loops his fingers through yours and pulls you up, ready to guide you away. And when you two are almost out, Rafe turns around and flips JJ off as he leads you away, as if to tell JJ he's a dumbass for losing out.

[babyboibucky]

Don’t You Worry (Your Pretty Little Head)

Pairing: Guitarist!Bucky x Reader

Summary: You agree to spend twelve hours with Bucky whom you just met.

Word Count: 9.1k

Warnings: THE LENGTH lmfao, soft smut??? Nothing vulgar and it’s sorta implied

A/N: I am honestly nervous about posting this piece because idk, aside from it being fucking long, I was never satisfied with how this was written lmfao. I literally rewrote this like idk 5 times??? And the fact that I made a mood board for a oneshot lmfao only means I poured my heart out into this shit and I’m really hoping y’all would enjoy this as much as my other works 🥺

MAIN MASTERLIST

Your idea of a fun Friday night involved your couch and Netflix playing in the background as you scrolled through your phone with a glass of wine in hand. This was your definition of pure bliss, something that Wanda violently opposed to.

So here you were, seated in the front of a music bar while Wanda’s favorite band played.

“See? This isn’t so bad, right? Better than wallowing in your apartment alone.” She teased as she leaned over to you, needing to amp up the volume of her voice so you can hear her.

“The fact that we can’t even hear each other properly makes wallowing alone sound so much better.” You told her, not even bothering to repeat yourself when she didn’t understand what you said over the loud music playing.

Her favorite band introduced their last song for the night and as they did, you checked your phone for the time. It was barely past ten in the evening and you were already dying to get home. You’ll bid goodbye after this, you promised yourself. Just one last song and you’re out. Before the band could even finish their last song, you’d already decided on what pizza to order and which wine to bring out.

That was until the next band came up on stage to prepare for their performance. You were leaning over Wanda already, about to tell her that you were heading home, when one particular guy caught your eye. Something that Wanda noticed when she saw you gawking at the stage.

“Oh my god. He’s definitely your type.” Wanda said when her eyes landed on the bassist.

He had dirty blonde hair and a clean-shaven face that looked a little too innocent for someone to be in a rock band. Your exact type— one with the boy next door appeal, someone you’d want to bring home to introduce to your parents. Wanda was so sure you were crushing on the bassist but as soon as he followed your line of sight, she almost choked on her own spit.

You weren’t eyeing the bassist, instead, you were completely focused on the lead guitarist. You were so enamored by this guy that you failed to notice Wanda gushing over the fact that you were enamored by someone who was the complete opposite of your type.

It was the lead guitarist who caught your attention. The one with long hair tied into a low, messy man bun, his stray locks framing his perfectly chiseled face. It wasn’t only the hair that made you look at him, it was also his left arm— it was covered entirely with tattoos. And then he started playing the guitar and good god, his fingers were something else.

It was rare for you to have certain thoughts, the kind that would make you sweat in church. And thank fuck for Wanda finally snapping you out of your filthy trance because if she hadn’t, you would’ve seriously drowned in your not so pure thoughts.

“I can’t believe you’re attracted to that guy. This makes me so excited, honestly.” Wanda squealed.

“Huh?” You played dumb of course. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Wanda snorted out loud, “I just witnessed you drool over the guitarist for a good five minutes. Stop denying.” She said.

You rolled your eyes, “Maybe I did. And so what? It’s not like I’m gonna act on it.”

“You have to fuck him.” Wanda casually suggested, making you choke on your drink.

You weren’t a prude but you didn’t like the idea of hooking up with people, most especially strangers. You weren’t going to lie though, it did cross your mind. Obviously, the way his fingers moved on his guitar really threw your brain down the gutter. Sure, you might have wondered what it’d be like to have those fingers on you but again, would you act on it? Hell no.

“It’s just one night. Live a little, come on. And you getting attracted to someone like him? That’s once in a blue moon, all the more you need to bring him home.” Wanda said.

“One night stands don’t really work well for me and you know that. The first time I tried that was also the last time because I ended up getting attached. And how did that end? Terrible. So no, thank you. Never again.” You told Wanda.

Fortunately, Wanda stopped bugging you about fucking the guitarist. It wasn’t really a big deal, it was nothing but a moment of admiration. You were hell-bent on going home anyway, well, maybe after his band finishes their first song. Besides, he wouldn’t notice you so why bother staying?

“Oh my god, he’s looking at you!” Wanda almost screamed, slapping at your arm until you turned to the stage.

And holy fuck. He was really looking at you. Why though? You even looked behind you to make sure it was you he was staring at and when you turned back at him, he smirked and threw a wink at your way.

“You know what, I think I’m gonna head home.” You said, not knowing how to act.

Wanda pulled you back down when you stood up, “Oh no, honey. No one’s going home this early.” She said. “You wouldn’t want to disappoint him, would you?” She quickly added, tipping her head towards the stage.

When you looked up at the guitarist, he was still looking at you as he played. This time, he was actually pouting, as if pleading for you to stay. You quickly avoided his gaze and although it was dimly lit in the bar, you still bowed your head to hide the blush creeping up to your face.

You managed to survive the entire setlist of the band despite the flirty smiles and winks that the guitarist gave you. Wanda was ecstatic about it, it made you wonder if she was actually the one crushing on the guy. As soon as the last song was done, you excused yourself and hurried into the bathroom to compose yourself.

It was the first time that you experienced such attraction towards a guy like him. You always went with the good boys, so why were you so drawn to this guy who looked nothing but trouble? You were in denial, this was totally out of your comfort zone so you shook the thoughts away and promised yourself (again) that you’d head home this time. For real.

“There you are.”

You gasped out loud when you stepped out of the bathroom, quickly colliding against a solid chest when you heard his voice. It was low yet gentle, soft-spoken but sinful.

“I’m sorry?” You sputtered out, bowing down your head to avoid the lead guitarist’s gaze.

“I thought you left already.” He said. “I’m Bucky, by the way.” He introduced, extending his left arm for a handshake.

Your eyes landed on his tattooed arm, despite the ink covering it all up you could actually see his veins.

“And I’m going home.” You quickly shook Bucky’s hand, ignoring the electricity that ran through your veins and brushed past him, eyes scanning the bar for Wanda.

Bucky jogged ahead of you, blocking your way and chuckling to himself. “Don’t I at least get a name?” He asked.

You were internally screaming, but you managed to mention your name just so he would leave you alone. Sure, he was hot and he was actually flirting with you. But your fear of the unknown outweighed your attraction. You weren’t ready to step out of your comfort zone. Yet.

Bucky trailed behind you as you looked for Wanda, cursing to yourself when you couldn’t spot her anywhere. You took out your phone and called her immediately.

“Wanda? Where are you?” You hiss into the phone.

Bucky watched you with amusement and it was making you uncomfortable. He was just staring at you with a grin on his handsome face. And now, you just discovered that Wanda left you.

“What?! But why?! You’re my ride home! Come back and pick me up!” You exclaim into the phone, unable to believe that Wanda just ditched you.

“You can’t— hello? Wanda? Hello?” You groaned in frustration when your friend ended the call.

“I’d love to offer you a ride home but it’s too early, so how ‘bout I just buy you a drink?” Bucky asked, flashing you a charming smile that made your knees weak.

Part of you wanted to give in and just say, fuck it, let Bucky do whatever he wants with you. The reasonable part of your brain though, highly opposed to this and pulled on the alarms. This guy probably just wants to get you into his bed and although it doesn’t sound that bad, you worried more for what could happen afterwards. You weren’t ready for a repeat of the past. You were too emotional, you had too many strings and they get attached way too quickly.

“No, thank you.” You told Bucky and headed outside the bar, deciding to book an Uber instead.

Bucky was persevering though and followed you out, blocking your way into the sidewalk and snatching your phone away.

“Hey, give me my phone back!” You exclaimed.

“The night is young, c’mon. Why are you so aloof anyway?” Bucky asked.

“Because I don’t know you?” You responded.

Bucky chuckled, “Have you ever heard about making friends? I mean, pretty much everyone you meet starts off as a stranger. And it’s not like I’m a serial killer or anything. I’m not gonna rob you but I most certainly won’t give you your phone back until I convince you to stay a while.” He said and god, he was too charming for your own good.

He made a good point about making friends. You couldn’t even remember the last time you made a new one. Bucky could see the gears in your head working as you stared at him, cheeks flushed and lips parted in deep thought.

“So, what do you say? Stay a while? Keep me company. It’ll be fun.” Bucky insisted.

“Why me?” You blurted out.

It wasn’t that you were insecure, but you were way too different from Bucky. You didn’t seem like his type, but then again, he wasn’t your type either. Until the moment you saw him on stage.

“Why not?” Bucky responded as if he couldn’t believe you just asked him that question.

“Do you ask that every time someone flirts with you? Besides, it’s not everyday that someone like you stared at me like that.” He teased.

Fuck, so he noticed you drooling over him. Quick! Think of a way out, you told yourself.

“Someone like me? What did you mean by that?” You asked, sounding offended.

Bucky’s eyes widened and shook his head, “I didn’t mean for it to sound like it’s a bad thing. I mean, you come in here wearing a chiffon blouse and a pencil skirt and expect me not to notice? I’m actually flattered that a girl, no...a woman...was ogling me. Definitely piqued my interest.” He explained.

That was a compliment, right? The sirens in your head grew louder at the way Bucky was easily throwing you compliments. He must be used to flirting his way into women’s panties, huh? 

“I wasn’t ogling you.” You defended even though you were, looking away from his eyes.

“Sure, you weren’t.” Bucky teased. “Loosen up, will ya? When was the last time you had fun anyway?” He asked.

“Depends on your definition of fun.” You retorted.

“You know what I mean.” Bucky sighed.

“Well, my idea of fun doesn’t involve a guitarist getting me into his bed for a one night stand.” You blurted out, mindlessly.

Bucky made a face and clutched his chest, “Ouch. You went hard on that judgment, I’m not gonna lie, that kinda stings.”

Okay, now you felt bad for jumping to conclusions. Bucky did look like he was hurt from your brash statement. Fuck, he probably thought you were one of those stereotypical bitches! It wasn’t entirely your fault, right? You were just being careful. Were you? Or was it purely overthinking? Your brain was moving all too fast but Bucky quickly distracted you when he took your hand and placed your phone back onto your palm.

“You know, I think I get it why you said that and I honestly can’t blame you. A band dude flirts with you just like that, understandable why you thought that I wanted to get into your pants.” He explained much to your relief.

“I’m sorry, it was tasteless for me to judge you like that.” You quickly apologized, genuinely feeling like a terrible person.

Bucky smiled at you, “Nah, you had every right. I’m sorry if I was too forward but I do really want to spend some time to get to know you. So how about a little proposal?”

There was a glint in Bucky’s eyes that made your heart flutter and your brain go into overdrive. You knew it was a bad idea to give in to Bucky. Someone as charming as him might really be up to no good. Sure, you felt bad for judging him based on his looks. But something in your gut tells you that he was trouble.

“What proposal?” You asked curiously.

“Spend the next twelve hours with me.” Bucky suggested.

You frowned, “What?”

Bucky took your phone again, but only to check the time. “It’s a little past eleven now, I promise you’ll be home before noon tomorrow. Come with me, let loose for once and let’s spend the entire night together. Twelve hours, that’s it.” He said excitedly.

“And I don’t mean have sex with me.” Bucky explained immediately.  “We’ll just hang out, it’s a wholesome proposal. But if you do want to have sex with me, I’m not gonna turn that down. I’m just saying, it’s not my motive but I won’t be saying no to it either.” He reassured.

You felt hot all of a sudden at how Bucky casually talked about having sex with you. It made you feel feverish and for someone who wasn’t really a sexual person, it made you feel like you were about to commit a major sin just by listening to Bucky talk like that.

Bucky beamed at you cutely, waiting for your response and honestly, with how his doe eyes were looking at you like that, was it even possible to say no? Despite the continuous alarms in your head and your inner prude begging you to stay within the confines of your comfort zone, you decided to do something for a change.

So you said yes.

You were spending the next twelve hours with Bucky and you could only hope that you wouldn’t regret it.

-

The night started off slow, thankfully, with Bucky ushering you back into the bar for a couple of drinks. You had to remind yourself to still be alert for any red flags that might show up sooner or later. You knew you were being a bit paranoid, but to hell, it would be better that way than to make mistakes tonight.

“Where do you work?” Bucky asked before calling the waiter.

“I work at a bank.” You told him.

The waiter arrived and took your orders, a tall glass of mojito for you and a rum and coke for Bucky. He asked you a couple more things, where you graduated, your hobbies and what you often did during your weekends. All of which you had pretty boring responses to. Bucky listened though and he didn’t seem bored too, what a relief.

“Are you really sure about spending twelve hours just like this?” You asked, taking another sip from your second glass of mojito.

Bucky snickered, “We won’t be talking the entire night, did you really think I’d ask for your twelve hours just to talk?” He asked.

“What are you planning then?” You asked nervously.

Bucky offered you an amused smile, “Nothing illegal so stop worrying, pretty lady. I can see the gears in your head turning.” He said and leaned forward to smoothen out the crease in between your brows with his thumb.

“Come on, time to have fun.” He said and got up, offering you his hand.

You haven’t even recovered from how gentle Bucky was when he touched your forehead. And now here he was, standing over you with his tattooed arm extended, waiting for you to take his hand.

“I don’t bite.” He stated.

Letting out a sigh, you finished up your drink and stood up, slipping your hand into Bucky’s. He smiled at you, lifting your hand up to his face and pressing a kiss on it before winking.

“See? I told you, I don’t bite.”

You cleared your throat and pursed your lips, biting back a smile as Bucky tugged you as he walked out of the bar, keeping your hand in his the entire time. Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all?

“Here.” Bucky said, handing you over his helmet.

It was then that you realized that he was about to give you a ride. On his motorcycle. The sirens in your head went off once again, bringing you back to your usual tensed state.

“Oh, no. Look, I know I said yes to your proposal but I’m not going to ride on that.” You disagreed and took a step back.

Bucky looked disappointed but shrugged anyway, placing the helmet back on the bike. “Fine. I’ll let you off this time, just because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Come with me.” He said and took your hand in his again as the both of you went back inside the bar.

He brought you towards the booth where the rest of his band were staying at. They all looked at you with smirks on their faces when Bucky introduced you to them.

“That’s Nat, our vocalist. Sam here is our drummer and Steve the bassist.” He said.

You gave them a polite smile and a quick wave. Bucky threw his keys over at Steve, who was supposed to be your type. Wanda thought so and you were just weirded out that you happen to be drawn towards Bucky instead.

“Hey punk, switch your car for my bike? Just for tonight.” Bucky said.

Steve looked so done with his request but shook his head in defeat as he fished his keys out of his pocket. He pointed at Bucky threateningly, “Don’t mess up my car, jerk. You know what I mean by that.” He said before throwing his own keys over at Bucky who caught it with ease.

“I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you. Thanks, pal!” Bucky bid goodbyes and pulled you again before you could even say your own goodbyes to his bandmates.

Now, you were inside Steve’s car with Bucky and you were nervous as fuck. Although you did find it considerate of Bucky to borrow his friend’s car to make things comfortable for you. You were going to admit that, but it made your heart flutter. You mentally snorted at yourself because fuck, the bar is set pretty low alright.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” Bucky asked, noticing how you tensed up all of a sudden.

“Do we have rules?” You asked.

“This night is all about letting loose and the first thing you thought of are rules?” Bucky laughed.

“I’m about to spend the next twelve hours with a complete stranger, of course I’d be worried! What if—“

“Okay, calm down!” Bucky said, turning in his seat to face you, placing his hands on your shoulders.

“If it’ll make you less tense then fine, I’ll come up with rules. Number one is to stop worrying.” Bucky said, rubbing your arms up and down and you were supposed to feel uncomfortable with the intimacy but you didn’t.

There was no malice to it and it made you panic all the more because ugh, Bucky was making you all soft and vulnerable around him. You could hear Wanda inside your head, commanding you to just calm down and go with the flow. You took in a deep breath and composed yourself.

“You gotta learn to trust people. I promise you, we won’t be getting in any trouble. I’ll take good care of you.” Bucky said, letting your arms go and tipping your chin so you’d look at him.

“Rule two, no what ifs. Just focus on the present, okay? If you keep worrying about what could happen, you’ll miss out on the now. Trust me, you wouldn’t want that.” Something about the change in Bucky’s eyes when he said that made you curious.

He was on to something, like he really meant it. You wanted to ask him about it, hell, you should start asking him for more information. If he wanted to get to know you better then you should attempt to do the same to him too.

“Last rule is to just enjoy. Like I said, I won’t let anything bad happen to you. You trust me now?” Bucky asked with hopeful eyes.

The alarms in your head still kept going, but as you gazed back at Bucky, the softer they were becoming. You could feel yourself start to give in and you know what? It actually doesn’t sound so bad anymore. Maybe this would help with your attachment issues? This will probably teach you how to have fun with no attachments. Take things for what they are and just enjoy.

“Hey, will you trust me?” Bucky asked again.

“Yeah, yeah I will.”

-

1:15AM

Bucky took you to a hole in the wall open mic bar. It was a small place and everyone there seemed to know each other. And when Bucky arrived, everyone just greeted him and welcomed you there.

“You seem pretty popular here.” You told him as he led you to one of the seats near the makeshift stage.

“I spend a lot of time here.” He said and called over the guy by the bar.

“Hey Happy! Wanna introduce you to a special friend.” He said. The man approached your table and greeted you with a smile.

“Must be really special, you never bring anyone here.” Happy said, making you blush uncontrollably.

Bucky bit his lip as he turned to you, “Do you sing?” He asked.

You quickly shook your head, “Oh god, no. I don’t have the talent.” You said.

Happy chuckled, “That wouldn’t be a problem, trust me.” He reassured.

Bucky lifted an eyebrow at you, “Wanna go up there and sing with me?”

“Bucky, no.” You laughed, shaking your head. “I’m not doing that.”

“Come on, no one’s gonna judge you. Let loose, remember? And if anyone here laughs at you, I’ll be the first to punch them in the face.” He promised.

You thought for a while, keeping your eyes on Bucky. Fuck this. You called Happy and requested for a shot of tequila.

“That’s my girl! Just needs a little bit of liquid courage, huh?”

You snorted, “Oh that’s not for me. That’s for you. You’re gonna need it if you’ll be hearing me sing.”

You never performed in front of a crowd, well, back in high school maybe for some school plays. But hell, you were never the center of attention and whenever you had to be, you always experienced a panic attack. But now being on stage with Bucky behind you, playing the guitar as you sang (screeched actually), you’d never felt more alive and relaxed. True enough, no one cared about how off tune you were. In fact, you got a lot of cheers from the crowd.

2:45AM

“You hungry?” Bucky asked.

You couldn’t believe it, you’ve been singing on stage the entire time at the bar. You’d like to believe that it was probably the alcohol running in your veins, but you weren’t that drunk. Tipsy, maybe but definitely not drunk. It was fun, you were surprised at how much you enjoyed singing with Bucky and everybody else. You made a couple of new friends aside from Happy, talked to them and even exchanged numbers with a few. This was the most sociable you’ve ever been.

“I could use some carbs right now.” You laughed, wiping off the sweat on your forehead.

Bucky reached out to fix your hair, moving away the sweaty strands sticking onto your cheeks and tucking them behind your ear. He flashed you that oh so charming smile again and good god, Bucky was truly something else.

“Let’s get you something to eat.” He said.

Bucky drove to a 24-hour food truck somewhere. It was close to 3am but you didn’t feel exhausted, which was shocking given that you’ve been dying to go home a few hours ago before meeting Bucky and agreeing to go on an escapade with him. You could already hear Wanda squealing over the phone once you tell her everything.

The both of you ordered some soft tacos and sat on one of the benches beside the food truck.

“Enjoying so far?” Bucky asked with interest.

You nodded enthusiastically, your mouth full of food as you devoured your tacos. “Very much.” You admitted.

Bucky’s eyes crinkled as he laughed along with you, obviously pleased that you were enjoying yourself. Not long ago, twelve hours seemed a bit too long. Now, they felt too short. You could feel your brain begin to overthink what would happen once the the twelve hours are over, but you quickly shook them away and followed Bucky’s advice to focus on the present.

The two of you continued to talk as you ate. You discovered that Bucky and his bandmates go way back and that they’ve been performing since their days at the university. You also found out that Bucky’s last relationship ended six years ago and that he hasn’t dated anyone since then. You found out a lot of things about Bucky, most of which were far from your first impressions.

“Why’d your friend leave you at the bar?” Bucky asked, taking out a cigarette and putting it in his mouth.

You watched him with hazy eyes as he lighted the cigarette, puffing out a thin line of smoke with ease. You were always drawn to Bucky’s fingers and initially, it was because of the impure thoughts they made you think about. But more than that, they were the gentlest you’d ever seen.

“Probably to get me to have fun.” You responded, looking away timidly when Bucky noticed you staring at his hands.

“She’s gonna be very proud of you after this.” He said.

You nodded and breathed out a chuckle, “Oh, for sure.” You said before turning to Bucky. “Can I try?” You asked, motioning towards his cigarette.

“I haven’t smoked. Ever.” You admitted.

Bucky grinned and passed you the cigarette. “Go on.” He urged and kept his eyes on you as you brought the cigarette up to your lips.

The way Bucky watched you was intimidating in the sense that it felt intimate. It wasn’t like he was eye-fucking you or anything, his eyes were just too...expressive? They held a certain softness to them, a bit of sadness too when you look at it closely. They were the bluest, most beautiful color you’ve seen and they were captivating.

You ended up in a coughing fit from that first drag. Bucky chuckled and took the cigarette from your hand, patting your back as you continued to cough.

“Definitely not for me.” You frowned and took a sip from your iced tea.

“At least you tried. I’m proud of you.” Bucky said, the gentle pats on your back slowing down until his hand remained still.

“You good?” He asked again, sliding his hand lower until he reached the small of your back, but not low enough to make you uncomfortable.

You nodded, “What else is up in your sleeve?” You asked with interest.

“Well, I really wanted to take you on a ride on my bike but I guess that’s for next time.” Bucky confessed.

“Next time?” You asked and you tried not to be hopeful.

“Yeah, next time. We’ll do that next time.” Bucky said and he sounded so sure that you began to worry.

Will there really be a next time? At this point, Bucky could read you like an open book because he chuckled and pressed his thumb against the crease on your forehead again.

“You’re doing it again, whatever you’re worrying about just forget it for now.” He said, soothing out your crease before pinching your nose.

You scrunched your nose making Bucky lightly laugh. He checked the time on his phone and let out a sigh.

3:43AM

“Can I bring you back to my place?”

-

If you told Wanda that you ended up in Bucky’s place, she would freak out and ask for all the details. But no, you didn’t come home with Bucky for that reason. As he promised, it wasn’t his motive to get you into his bed and he seemed to be genuine about it.

Bucky lived in a small studio-type loft. It wasn’t the penthouse kind with the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city. It was simple and minimalistic, with just a few pieces of furniture. What Bucky owned were a couple of guitars— different kinds of them, and an electric keyboard.

“It’s not much and I don’t even have a bed frame, I hope you won’t judge me for that.” Bucky said, scratching his neck as he led you inside.

“No, not at all. It’s very cozy in here, actually.” You said, looking around and taking in your surroundings.

Bucky had a lot of indoor plants, you definitely didn’t think of him as a plant guy. As you let your eyes wander, something white zoomed past your vision. A cat.

Bucky also owned a cat.

“This is Alpine.” Bucky said, picking up the feline and carrying it onto his shoulder.

As if Bucky and his plants didn’t make him attractive enough, he really had to own a white cat. You could feel yourself internally screaming about how you haven’t been seeing any red flags. If any, you’ve been seeing green flags pop out every now and then that it was pretty alarming. Strangely, the sirens in your head died down as if they’ve given up on warning you.

Or maybe, there was really nothing to warn about Bucky.

The cat purred and nuzzled its nose into Bucky’s neck and you couldn’t believe that you got jealous for a brief second. Oh, to be cat against Bucky’s chest.

“Feel free to look around, I’ll get you water.” He said, bringing Alpine with him into the kitchen.

You walked around his place and observed the surroundings. He was very organized, more than you actually. You could hear Bucky talk to Alpine and it was the most adorable thing you’d ever seen.

A couple of picture frames that sat on Bucky’s bedside table caught your eye. They were photos of him with his mom you assumed, and three more girls.

“Those are my mom and younger sisters.” Bucky said, appearing behind you with a glass of water.

You thanked him as you took the glass and sat down on his bed, “Where are they?” You asked before drinking.

Alpine jumped into your lap and purred, making Bucky laugh with delight as he sat next to you. His parents were back in his hometown together with his sisters. Bucky told you everything about his family and how close he was to his sisters, how they were supportive of him when he decided to become a musician. Then Bucky went on to showcase his guitar collection, telling you the lovely stories behind each of them. You could see how passionate Bucky was for his craft and it was a wonderful thing to witness. You were envious how Bucky pursued his passion, how he took huge risks to get to where he was now.

“And this is my favorite one.” Bucky said, taking a black electric guitar with him as he went back to sit down next to you.

“First one I bought with my own money. It’s old and doesn’t sound as nice as my newer ones, but I love it.” He said and started plucking at the strings.

Alpine hopped off from your lap and went to sleep onto his tiny little bed beside Bucky’s couch. You focused on Bucky’s fingers as he played the guitar. It took you back to the moment you saw him onstage, how those fingers made you wonder about certain things. They moved gracefully against the cords, plucking with ease producing the most wonderful music. You really needed to snap out of your filthy thoughts.

Bucky played the guitar for you, singing some lyrics once in a while. You noticed his tattoos again and stared a bit longer, trying to decipher each design wrapped around his arm. Some were huge, some intricate more than the rest. They were all of different designs but molded together so perfectly.

You had to admit, you didn’t find tattoos attractive before. But on Bucky, it looked like a masterpiece. He himself, was a piece of art with his chiseled jawline and steel blue eyes that made you feel at home.

“I’ve been meaning to ask...” you softly trailed.

Bucky hummed in response, his attention focused on his guitar as he continued to play.

“Your tattoos, do they mean something?” You asked.

“I got them to cover up the scars from an accident.” Bucky looked up at you.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” You quickly apologized.

Bucky smiled reassuringly, “It’s fine. It was a turning point for me.” He said, setting his guitar aside.

“It really puts things into perspective you know. I crashed my bike one night, I wasn’t drunk, mind you.” He chuckled. “It was pretty bad, my left arm suffered the most. I almost got decapitated but here I am. I got scars all over, really ugly scars so I had them covered up with a tattoo sleeve.” Bucky explained, extending his left arm and looking at it.

“For a while, I wasn’t able to play music. And I hated every second of it. Hated seeing the scars on my arm and how they reminded me of the accident. But you learn to live with it. At least I did, I learned to turn the negative into something positive.”

Now that he said that, you could actually see some of the scars beneath the ink. Bucky shrugged and continued with his story.

“The doctors said I was lucky that I didn’t die. Living my second life now, I realized that I gotta make the most out of it. Focus on the present and enjoy what comes your way. Take risks. Do what scares you.” He explained and now you understood.

You understood why Bucky appeared to be so laid-back and carefree, why he doesn’t worry a lot about the future. He almost lost his life so now he was living it to the fullest. He was living in the present, enjoying every second of it.

“Every time I see my tattoos, I get reminded of my second chance at life and how I shouldn’t waste it.” He said.

Bucky saw the look in your face, how guilty you looked from judging him right away. He took your chin in between his thumb and index finger, tipping it up to make you look at him.

“So when I noticed that bored pretty office girl in the audience checking me out, I didn’t waste the opportunity to get to know her. See where it goes, who knows if I’d still be alive tomorrow but at least I shoot my shot.” He said, making you chuckle.

Everything went still in that moment, your usually noisy mind included. Time seemed to have stopped as you gazed into Bucky’s eyes. Biting your lip, you gave in and totally let down your walls.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” Bucky asked, doing the same thing with his thumb, soothing the crease in between your brows.

This time, he didn’t take his hand back and allowed it to rest against your cheek before sliding down to your jaw and neck. His thumb began to caress the spot beneath your ear, waiting for you to respond to his question.

What Bucky got was more than just a simple response.

“Fuck it.” You whispered before pressing your lips onto Bucky’s.

All your life you played it safe— from your college course to your choice of career. You weren’t one to take risks either and whenever you needed to, they were always calculated. You did things carefully, making sure that you’d get the results you were expecting to save you from disappointment. The unknown scared you and so does uncertainty. You liked staying in your comfort zone but as much as you’ve been denying it, it was starting to get boring.

You also said you weren’t one to entertain a stranger, let alone hook-up with one. But then Bucky comes along with his long hair and tattooed arm, looking like trouble but bringing you none. You’d think that he just wanted to get into your pants but as he showered you with gentle kisses and feathery touches, you realized that Bucky might be different and that he was so much more than just the hot lead guitarist of a band.

Bucky’s calloused fingers perfectly contrasted the smooth expanse of your skin. They felt rough but remained gentle as they moved along your chest, as they danced along your back, as they stroked your inner walls. And his lips, they were tender and soft; they whispered nothing but promises and praises against your ear as your bodies moved in unison.

His eyes remained on you, taking all of your nakedness in, literally and figuratively. He watched you closely, with those blue eyes of his that always made you blush. Bucky’s eyes were truly mesmerizing, no matter how much you wanted to look away from embarrassment, you couldn’t. You felt trapped in those eyes, and you never want to leave.

And his left arm— you could feel the ridges of his scars as you let your hands feel his skin. But they weren’t ugly, didn’t feel weird against the pads of your fingers. His arm offered nothing but warmth and support when you reached your high and came crashing down. His arms caught you and protected you, his embrace was reassuring and it made you feel safe.

5:58AM

The city was quiet and the sun was barely up. Alpine was still curled up on his bed, sleeping. You were exhausted but satisfied and comfortable as you laid on your stomach, head turned and facing Bucky as you listened to him talk.

He was talking about his band’s first performance in college, laughing when he said that he almost threw up from being so nervous. Bucky had the softest voice in the wee hours of dawn, you loved listening to him. Lucky you, Bucky had been talking about anything and everything until the dark skies began to change its hues. He shared his dreams and his secrets and you admired him more and more.

“You should come to our rehearsals.” He suggested, letting a hand trace patterns on your bare back.

“Sounds nice.” You yawned, blinking your eyes in an attempt to keep them open.

“What do you want for brunch?” Bucky asked, almost mumbling from being half-asleep.

You hummed, “By the time we wake up, it might be close to dinner.” You joked.

“Breakfast food is way better during dinner. Want me to cook for you?” Bucky said before yawning.

Your eyes were lidded as you took in Bucky’s form. He was laying beside you, long hair messed up and lips swollen pink from kissing. He looked unreal as a sliver of sunlight managed to peek through his curtains, embracing his body with its warm glow. The sun was now fully up, witnessing the tender aftermath of your intimacy with Bucky as he reached out to brush his knuckle along your cheekbone.

“I’m surprised you can cook.” You said softly, close to falling asleep.

“I’m pretty good at it.” Bucky chuckled before leaning in to kiss your forehead.

“I’ll cook for you when we wake up.” 

Bucky’s soft lips against yours was the last thing you felt before sleep took over.

-

12:24PM

A soft purr paired with soft paws on his face stirred Bucky awake. He groaned at Alpine when she meowed right into his face. Must be feeding time, he thought.

Bucky gently moved Alpine aside and turned, only to be met by a cold, empty space beside him. He sat up on the bed and rubbed his eyes before quickly scanning his apartment for you.

You were gone.

And judging by the cold sheets on your side of the bed, you’d left hours ago. Bucky sighed in disappointment as he got up, putting on his boxers and quickly checking the bathroom. He hoped you’d be there, but you weren’t.

You didn’t even leave a note.

Bucky ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He wanted to cook for you, really. He wanted to bring you to his band’s rehearsals, maybe even write a song for you.

He wanted more than twelve hours with you.

-

Wanda had been on your ass for days now. When you told her about your twelve hours with Bucky, she was happy and proud. By the time you got to the end of it, she was fuming and was close to actually physically hurting you.

She wouldn’t stop bugging you about it, demanding you to at least look Bucky up on Facebook or Instagram. Wanda believed that what you and Bucky shared that night was special, something real and not just a one-time thing.

You woke up that morning, feeling sore but happy. Butterflies fluttered in your stomach when you opened your eyes to the sight of Bucky sleeping peacefully beside you. He seemed to be dreaming, his brows creased and lips pursed.

Reaching out, you did what Bucky kept on doing to you whenever you were worrying. You pressed your thumb against his forehead, soothing out the crease as gentle as you could so as not to wake him up. Bucky stirred in his sleep and unconsciously took your hand in his, pressing a kiss onto your palm before falling back into his slumber.

And that’s when it started; the alarms in your head went off and they were the loudest they’ve ever been. You were almost deafened by it, your logic drowning beneath your panicked thoughts as you got up from bed. You dressed up in a hurry, grabbing your things and phone to book yourself a ride home. Alpine woke up and ran over to your legs, purring as if begging you not to go.

You refused to look back and went straight for the door.

One and a half week later, here you were still feeling like the most terrible person on the entire planet. You had searched for Bucky online, of course. You just didn’t tell Wanda that but it was the first thing that you did upon going home. There were instances when you were tempted to send him a DM, or add him up on Facebook but you never did. 

That one night with Bucky changed everything, it changed you. You immediately filed for a resignation, realizing that you were no longer happy working for the bank. It was a spur of the moment decision but you knew it was the right one. You didn’t even know where to apply next or what career to pursue. But you weren’t worried like you had expected to be.

Bucky taught you to take risks, to not fear the unknown because things will eventually fall into place. You felt good though, that you were slowly learning to step out of your comfort zone. But something was amiss and you knew what it was. Or who it was.

You just weren’t ready to admit it yet.

-

It was around nine in the evening when you went to the grocery store for a last minute shopping decision. Wanda was coming over for a movie night and apparently, you didn’t have any snacks left.

Finishing your list, you turned at the corner of an aisle and collided with somebody. Your apology died on your tongue when you looked up to see a familiar face.

Steve.

“Hi.” You softly greeted, wondering if he would even remember you.

He frowned at you and you were surprised that he remembered you and actually knew about that night.

“Why’d you leave Bucky just like that?” He asked right away.

You swallowed and avoided his gaze, “It was...it’s not a big deal. It was a one-time thing anyway.” You lied through your teeth.

Steve scoffed, “It didn’t seem like a one-time thing when Bucky came to our rehearsals the next day feeling bummed out.” He explained and sighed afterwards, shaking his head.

“Look, I’m in no position to interfere. I don’t know you and why you did that so who am I to judge? But I know Bucky. He isn’t what you think he is.” Steve said.

“I know.” You whispered.

“Then why’d you leave?” Steve asked again but didn’t wait for a response.

“Bucky may come off a little too strong, he’s straightforward and passionate. He gives it his all and that night with you...he gave everything. He was really hurt when you left.”

You were unable to speak because fuck, you messed up big time. You didn’t know that Bucky was going to feel that way when you left. You got scared and ran away even when there was nothing to be afraid of. Steve must have noticed your guilt and placed a hand on your shoulder.

“We’re playing tonight at the music bar. You have the chance to make things right.” Steve said and offered you a small smile before leaving.

You stood in the grocery store while in deep thoughts. Again, your mind was all kinds of messed up and your thoughts were fighting for dominance. There were sirens going on and off and fuck, it was all driving you insane. Your heart began to race when you felt an impending sense of doom wash over you. You were panicking and you were fighting so hard to calm your nerves.

And then you remembered Bucky that night and how he was quick to silence your brain with a simple yet comforting gesture.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

A thumb on your forehead to soothe your worries. Those steel blue eyes providing you comfort, and that charming smile that never failed to reassure you.

You quickly called Wanda.

“Movie night is cancelled!”

-

The dimly lit music bar welcomed you with a sense of familiarity. It had been more than a week since your encounter with Bucky and yet it felt like it was only yesterday.

Smiling to yourself, you remembered how tensed you were when Bucky first approached you. You were so defensive, you had your walls built up high but Bucky managed to bring them down. It didn’t even take him the full twelve hours to do so.

The music bar was full with no vacant spot near the stage. The current band just finished their song and was preparing to exit. You squeezed your way to the front, ignoring the complaints of people you slightly pushed away. A familiar voice greeted the crowd a good evening before introducing their band.

Your breath hitched when you spotted Bucky onstage. His hair was down and he was sporting a little bit of scruff. You watched him play his guitar but something was different. He wasn’t as passionate as he used to be, like he wasn’t focused. He almost looked like he didn’t want to be there. And his eyes, they were empty and void of any emotion. No mischievous glint in them, no nothing.

It broke your heart seeing Bucky like this, especially that you knew you were the reason for it.

It took a while for Bucky to look up and scan the crowd and when he finally did, his eyes immediately met yours.

Just like the first time, you felt your face heat up from the eye contact. Bucky was surprised to see you, you saw how his eyes widened at the sight of you. He was quick to recover though, he looked away and focused on playing the guitar instead.

As soon as his band exited the stage, you wasted no time to approach them. Steve greeted you with a nod before calling for Nat and Sam, asking for them accompany him to the bar to give you some privacy. Bucky refused to look at you as he gathered his stuff, preparing to leave.

“Can we talk?” You asked.

“I’m heading home.” Bucky curtly responded and brushed past you.

The tables have turned with you walking ahead of him to block his way.

“The night is young, stay a while and keep me company?” You used his line and Bucky was having none of it.

He scoffed and shook his head, “I’m surprised you remembered what I said. I mean, after you just disappeared I assumed you’d completely forgotten about that night.”

“I didn’t.” You told him. “Can we please talk?” You pleaded.

Bucky ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t know, I really wanna go home.” He said.

Your hands balled into fists at your sides, “Give me twelve minutes.” You offered.

“Just twelve minutes of your time. Please, Bucky.”

-

The two of you stepped outside the bar for some silence. Bucky walked over to his bike, leaning against it as he looked at you coldly. Those eyes used to gaze at you with warmth, but now they were blank and cold.

“Time is ticking.” He said when you kept mum.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disappear like that.” You said, looking down at your feet.

How else were you going to say your piece? You had practiced your speech on the way to the bar and now that Bucky was in front of you, you couldn’t even look at him from shame.

Bucky scoffed, “You asked me for twelve minutes and that’s all you’re gonna say? You’re sorry? Just that?” He bitterly chuckled, running a hand over his scruff.

“If you didn’t mean it then why did you leave? You left me without any warning. I honestly thought there was something between us. After everything that happened, how could you just walk away like that? You led me on, didn’t you?” Bucky angrily asked.

“I didn’t! I swear, I didn’t but I got scared!” You admitted.

“Scared of what?” He asked. “Scared of me? Because I’m not the kind of guy you usually go for? You really couldn’t get rid of that first impression, huh?” He said and turned around.

“That’s not the reason why. Everything scared me because that night was something else. You were too good to be true, Bucky! That’s what scared me!” You told him.

Bucky turned around, his brows creased, “What?”

When you woke up that morning, everything seemed perfect. The past twelve hours you had spent with Bucky were wonderful and you loved every second of it. You enjoyed too much and the thought of it being a one-time thing really broke your heart.

You had attachment issues and you thought that giving in to Bucky would help you learn to enjoy things as they were. But it didn’t and made it even worse because you got attached, so fucking attached.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of ending those twelve hours with a permanent goodbye so I left. You suddenly talked about next time and tomorrow and it was...it was overwhelming for me. My fear got the best of me because that night was too good. You were too good.”

Bucky’s expression softened after hearing your side. Now you felt stupid for overthinking things. It was selfish on your part to assume that those twelve hours meant nothing to Bucky.

“I’m sorry.” You apologized softly. “That night meant everything to me, Bucky. I just wasn’t ready to find out whether it meant the same to you.” You confessed with a sigh.

Bucky stayed quiet after your confession. You could feel your bile rising, you wanted to throw up. Hell, you wanted to just faint and forget about everything. If Bucky wouldn’t give you a second chance, you’d understand him. You did a pretty shitty thing to him anyway.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

You lifted your gaze upon hearing that line. Bucky’s eyes had their warmth back and his expression was no longer stoic. He pushed himself away from his bike and approached you, reaching out to soothe the crease on your forehead.

“It’s not everyday that I find myself in the company of a stranger who made me feel things. I’ve always been a traditional one, I take things slow and I’ve been very careful. When I felt something during those twelve hours, I was caught off guard. I never felt so strongly for someone I just met and it was all new to me and I panicked.” You confessed.

“You were out of my comfort zone and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t mean to disappear like that, Bucky.”

You were met with pure silence after your admission. When you looked up at Bucky, you couldn’t read his expression. Thinking that he wasn’t buying your explanation, you let out a bitter chuckle and shrugged.

“I guess that’s it. Twelve minutes. No more no less. I just wanted you to know that, Bucky. And I’m really, really sorry.” You said and slowly backed away, ready to leave.

“Hey.” Bucky called out, approaching you.

“If I asked you to spend the next twelve hours with me again, where would you go after?” He asked.

Was this a test? You didn’t know how to respond and Bucky seemed to have caught up on that and let out a breathy chuckle.

“Will you stay until the morning this time?” He asked. “‘Cause I was pretty disappointed when I woke up to an empty bed. I had our brunch planned out, you know?”

The mischievous glint in Bucky’s eyes was back. You bit back a smile when Bucky cradled your head into his palm, thumb circling the skin on your neck.

You timidly nodded, tilting your head up to meet Bucky’s lips in a searing kiss that promised you another twelve hours together. And more.

“No more running off in the morning.”

-

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