#so LONG

[wantonlywindswept]

yoooo does anyone remember that nielan mermay fic i was writing like forever ago?

yeah me neither anyway it's done now

Sea Salt in Your Blood (7022 words) by windsweptfic Chapters: 2/2 Fandom: 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Lan Huan | Lan Xichen/Nie Mingjue Characters: Lan Huan | Lan Xichen, Nie Huaisang, Nie Mingjue Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, MerMay, Meet-Cute, Matchmaking, Nie Huaisang's eternal ulterior motives, he just wants to eat snacks and see his brother happy

Summary: Even knowing of the merfolk, and having been a marine biologist for over a decade, Lan Xichen had not expected to actually meet one.

[gaybuckybarnesss]

NICHOLAS HOULT The Great 1.06 "Parachute"

[freckle-craft]

You ever get a craving for a certain art medium and have to scramble for something to do with it? Yeah same. ANYWAY this took a week and it kicked my ass and when my dad walked in he said “Is that perspective collage? Do you hate yourself???” And tbh yeah I was a little insane for that but it was funnnnn and I think I nailed the vibe I was going for!

(Also I spent so long picking out the products on the shelves and I put a lot of thought into it yet you can’t see 80% of them but at least I know)

[princesssmars]

better leave your man at home!

mini stories of vi, sevika, abby, and ellie showing you your true worth.

wc : 7.306

contains : sfw and nsfw. fxf. fem!reader. cheating on the men's part until ellie's part lol. ellie’s is a modern!au the rest are in canon. mentions of violence and alcohol. silco but he's chill. owen but he's not chill. reader can be interpreted as bi or comphet i think!

a/n : ladies if you're reading this...cheat on him. or cheat back. yknow what just leave him.

VIOLET ꨄ

ʚɞ ever since getting out of prison and restarting her life, vi had been looking for a new purpose.

ʚɞ she had found a solid job, managed to reconnect with wither last siblings left alive, and started to build up a life for herself, but still, she felt...aimless. she longed for a deeper connection than the ones she had, someone she could yet again.

ʚɞ and then she meets you, a sweet little store owner with a voice that sounds like a symphony and an attitude as sweet as cookies. the first time she even met you she bumped into you on the street outside your bakery, knocking you supplies for your treats all over the ground. she's expecting that usual zaunite 'watch where you're going!' but instead you tell her not to worry, that you were carrying too many things anyway.

ʚɞ it was almost instinct for her to assure you she was at fault, downright demanding she help you carry everything that dropped inside and that it was the least she could do. you call her a sweetheart and tell her if she does you'll send her home with a plate of her favorite dessert. how could she say no?

ʚɞ she cant help but to quickly hang out with you whenever she can. after her shifts she stops by to help you close up, telling you its the least she could do for someone who was oh-so sweet. you seem to welcome her affections, whispering one late night when making some extra batter that you always appreciate when she stops by. she goes home on a high that night.

ʚɞ but then the worst thing ever happens. you get a boyfriend.

ʚɞ apparently he's some old family friend who moved back to the city when he found a small fortune overseas and was ready to come back to 'win you over like he tried years ago'. you told the story with a slightly wistful voice but all vi could do was nod along with wide eyes and a shut mouth.

ʚɞ eventually, she meets the guy, a tall and rather weasly looking guy who was waiting impatiently outside the store. she gave him a simple greeting and all he could do was tilt his head in recognition that she was there, apparently. she passed him and went to the back of the store and asked you what he was doing standing outside looking all suspicious. her eyes nearly bulged out of her head when you told her he was waiting to take you out but had to stand outside because he couldn't stand the smell of bread.

ʚɞ yeah, this definitely wasn't gonna last long. she’d just have to get you to see that.

ʚɞ sadly, she didn't have to do much work. ton a sunny day when the two of you were walking through the upper city levels together you stopped in your tracks, a talking vi whose arm was wrapped with yours questioning what made you stop before following your eyesight to see your boyfriend in the arms of another woman, way too close for comfort. vi wanted nothing more in that moment than to go and knock the bastard's lights out, but she had to prioritize you first.

ʚɞ you go into a depression for a week, your shop closed and your apartment locked as you skulk and cry in your home. but thankfully you gave vi a key not too long into your friendship, and she wakes you up one afternoon and demands you go and clean yourself up while she takes care of your chores.

ʚɞ you come out of the shower feeling rejuvenated and refreshed, your mood only lifting higher at the smell of cookies in the air. you pad out to the kitchen and cant help but smile when you see vi standing with a tray of perfectly made chocolate chip cookies on the island counter.

ʚɞ you sit up on your counter and moan at the taste of the cookies, vi accepting your praise of her baking skills with pride as she rubs over your bare thighs. eventually the topic steers to your recent heartbreak and vi makes sure you can complain and vent to her all you want.

ʚɞ but the last thing she wants to hear is you blaming yourself, teary-eyed and mumbling about how maybe you were too overbearing in your affections. she gently but sternly brings your attention to her, making sure you look her in the eyes when she goes on about how you’re the nicest and most soft-natured person she’s ever known and he was a fool to not see what an amazing woman he had in front of him.

ʚɞ and you cant help but feel even worse at the clear effect her affection has on you, unconsciously biting her lip at her praise and closeness. her eyes dart down to your lips and back to your eyes, slowly inching her head forward for permission. as soon as you slightly nod your head she’s kissing you with months of pent-up adoration, warmth, and lust.

ʚɞ a small part of you feels guilty for moving on to your close friend only a week after you broke up with your boyfriend, but when her fingers are drifting down to your cunt and making you cry as you cum over and over again, you can't find it in you to care.

ʚɞ “he was an idiot to give up on someone as sweet as you. but down worry muffin, i’m not gonna take that chance.”

SEVIKA ꨄ

ʚɞ sevika had made a promise to herself years ago: don't mess with married women.

ʚɞ she could give herself some grace, she was young and dumb, and the woman was incredibly gorgeous. and when a woman with legs that could bring any person woman or man to their knees comes up to you and asks you your plans for the night, you cant exactly pass up the opportunity. though she wishes she did after her partner caught them together in bed and she got in one of the worst fights of her life.

ʚɞ but she had to admit things in her life were getting a bit…stale, to say the least. her schedule was a steady routine of doing tasks for silco, reeling in jinx, and keeping the last drop working like a well-oiled machine. she didn't want anything drastic that would screw up their plans to happen, just…something.

ʚɞ and oh, does she get it. some out of towner got too rowdy in the bar and started a bar fight and before she could come in and get things under control theirams leg gets broken. so now she’s tasked with finding a good enough replacement to cover him for the few months it gets healed since he for some reason couldn't just take a shimmer dose and get back on his feet in no time.

ʚɞ she goes through dozens of recruits, all either too disobedient or downright atrocious behind a bar. she’s just about to give up and force one of the goons to do it when you come through the door. you’re rather unassuming, and at first she things you’re joking until you travel behind the bar and instruct her to give you any drink and you can make it. after ten different drinks she’s more than convinced.

ʚɞ she doesn't talk to you much at first, you’re just another cog in the machine that keeps the enterprise running smoothly. obviously she’s noticed that you’re attractive, surrounded by a stern but easy-going aura that makes most customers sit and want to talk to you for hours on end. it amused her when she watched how you convinced three different patrons to buy some more drinks so you’d continue telling them a wild story of some adventure you apparently had in bilgewater years back.

ʚɞ she can't help but ask you if its true later when the bar is closing and you’re wiping everything down, rolling her eyes when you call her out for listening to your conversations. you reveal that all your stories of adventure and excitement are true, but that you gave that life up when you decided to settle down after you get married.

ʚɞ she scoffs that the woman you married must be a hell of a catch to get you to leave behind such an exciting life, and she sees your eyes drop when you reveal that life with your husband is a nice and quiet alternative to your days of danger. sevika’s always had a good poker face, and she’s really glad she has it now after hearing you gave up all of that for a guy. and that her gaydar was apparently wrong, which never happens.

ʚɞ but its almost like this is the challenge her mind has been looking for, because after that conversation she keeps having late-night talks with you when no one else is around. you’re disarmingly easy to talk to, able to show a compassion and understanding that isn’t common for the folks down here. its only a few hours after she gets a bit too tipsy and accidentally lets slip a story about her upbringing that she lays in bed and slaps her human hand to her forehead in frustration when instead of being embarrassed all she can think about is your soft hand gently rubbing her shoulder as she poured her heart out.

ʚɞ she is so screwed.

ʚɞ eventually, you draw silco’s attention. mostly because the profits from the bar have nearly doubled since you started working, partly because he can tell a certain someone is distracting sevika. he gave her a list of tasks one day that he could tell she hated doing and she went off with a nod and without a word, and she either had a new woman in her life or she was about to snap. he made sure to find out about you a few minutes later, and asked/demanded to know more about your life. in particular, any outside connections you had.

ʚɞ sevika doesn't know whether she wants to thank silco or kill him when you’re given a more permanent position at the bar and finally introduce the crew to your husband, a man who silco has apparently given a job in his booking department. when sevika pulls him aside later to ask why he would od something like that, he just. shrugs. silco never just shrugs.

ʚɞ now that you’ve basically part of their little crime family it's even easier for sevika to spend more time with you. unfortunately for you jinx has taken a liking to you, but you handle it well and always make sure to give the girl her favorite drink in her favorite cup whenever she stops in the bar to babble on about some new weapon of mayhem she’s decided to make.

ʚɞ but after a few weeks she notices your mood start to sour, how you start getting snippy with some of the more rowdy drunks who stumble through the bar. she catches you a few hours after closing sat behind the bar with a half drunken bottle in your hand and mascara running down your cheeks. normally if this was anyone else she’d scoff to herself and quickly make her exit but instead she plops herself down next to you and demands you tell her what's wrong. through hiccups and tears, you tell her that you’re pretty sure your husband is lying to you. about a lot. in particular about where he spends his nights and comes back grumbling about ‘unfair bets’ and losing cash.

ʚɞ sevika assures you she’ll get to the bottom of it, and it only takes her a few hours of trailing thee guy to find out the problem. it seems your betrothed has been gambling your money away in seedy gambling circles, with some guys she swore she told to cut it out months ago when it came to rigging their dice when playing with tourists. but the amounts he’s using are definitely more than what either of you are making on a salary.

ʚɞ she tries not to smile when she picks the excuse of a man up by the back of his neck with her mech hand, reveling in the horrified look on his face as he makes up excuse after excuse for why he’s been stealing money from you and the boss, that he swears he’ll make it back up to silco-

ʚɞ you come in the next day as confused as ever, whispering that your husband packed up his things in the middle of the night and disappeared. sevika sits you down and explains that your husband was a thief, stealing hundreds from silco rather sloppily under his nose, and was dealt with in a timely manner. but she assures you that you won't be affected by any debts he may have had, she’ll make sure of it and make sure none of those gamblers come after you.

ʚɞ you only grow closer and closer after that night, and its no surprise you start to catch feelings for the gorgeous woman who constantly makes sure you’re safe and protected. its on one of the bars rather more exciting nights that you relent and play a drinking game with some members of the crew, and in a moment of weakness accidentally admit that since your husband left you haven't been laid in weeks, and in an additional moment of weakness admit that the first person you’d like to rock your world would be none other than silco’s second hand.

ʚɞ it was just your luck that the woman was walking by when the words left your lips, and fueled by her own dose of liquid courage came up behind you and whispered that she was free at that moment.

ʚɞ you expected many things when you settled down in zaun, and getting bent in half for hours on end by the second in command to the rule of the underground was not one of them. but when sevika groans in your ear and moans about how you have the tightest pussy she’s ever had the pleasure of taking, you’re really glad it happened to you.

ʚɞ “god, i’m really not gonna be able to stay away from you now. promise that the next time you get married you’re not gonna have to worry about being disappointed ever again.”

ʚɞ (when sevika walks in the next morning with a rare smile on her face silco does admit that he hired your husband knowing he’d be an idiot that she’d have to get rid of. you’re welcome.)

ABBY ꨄ

ʚɞ abby never saw herself as a jealous person. she’d only been in one relationship before, and even though it ended rather sourly she knew it was only natural that they’d both eventually move on. but when she sees you, a new wlf recruit walking and smiling side by side with owen, she feels…weird. really weird.

ʚɞ she does feel bad that as soon as he introduces you all to the group at a small party thrown by some of the soldiers all she can manage is tight-lipped smile and a small wave. you visibly deflate and smile it off, immediately pulled away by nora and leah to grab some drinks. manny butts her shoulder with his, giving her that ‘what the hell?’ look he loves to do. she defensively apologizes, because how should she react? her ex-boyfriend clearly has a thing for you, is she supposed to be all buddy buddy with you?

ʚɞ it doesn't help that its clear to everyone that you’re pretty. like, weirdly pretty for someone in the middle of an apocalyptic setting. crystal clear skin, smooth lips, and eyes of a beautiful shade. she caught herself staring once in the gym as you laughed with one of the trainers and had to quickly get herself together.

ʚɞ isaac must be playing a sick game because you then get assigned to go with her on patrol. she initially resented, questioning why you were tagging along when you mostly worked with the medics and mel was already trailing along. he said that apparently you had asked for the chance to get some more field practice and left it at that, dismissing her with a wave.

ʚɞ she was quiet for most of the ride to the patrol spot, hands tight on the steering wheel as you sat in the back of the truck with the others in the group and laughed at some story one the guys was talking about.

ʚɞ god, even your laugh is cute, she thinks as she carefully maneuvers the truck around a downed tree. youre like if a dream girl was placed down in this wasteland to torture her, a giant sign to tell her of course owen went after you, you were perfect. more perfect than she could be.

ʚɞ it isnt helpful that shes left partnered with you as you clear out the abandoned store in the strip mall they've all been sent to check and re-clear the spaces if necessary. she finds herself frustrated when you very reasonably and very smartly stick to her side the whole time. she swears she almost trips over an overgrown branch when she catches a whiff of your soap and she doesnt know where the hell you managed to snag vanilla flavored anything.

ʚɞ everything is fine for a while. you both remain vigilant as you walk through the barely lit aisles of the department store, the only action when a clicker jumps up out of nowhere and nearly tackled you before she’s roughly pushing you out of the way and kicking out its knees before bashing in its head with her boot. she’s panting and catching her breath before roughly asking if you were alright and reminding you to stay vigilant, taking your wide eyed stare for shock at a close encounter to what would be a rather painful death.

ʚɞ but despite her rather abrasive attitude you try your best to be friendly with her. you reveal that owen did confide about their past relationship, and as awkward as the situation sometimes was you wouldn’t let it drive a wedge between you, that you in fact wanted to be friends with abby. you had heard a great many things about her, how she was a loyal friend, a courageous leader, clearly an incredibly strong soldier-

ʚɞ her brain. short circuits a bit. the way you called her strong, like it was fact that was so obvious that she’d already proven it to you just by being out here. sure she’d pushed you of out the trajectory of that clicker but that was normal, anyone should and would do the same. she realizes you wouldn’t get the chance to see any displays of strength like that back in the base save for the visits to the gym, and a foreign voice in her head laments what a shame that is.

ʚɞ she doesn’t realize until a day later just how screwed she is.

ʚɞ whatever weird…feelings she has for you don’t even get a chance to go away or settle, just fester and multiply with your constant presence. where abby is her friends are close by, and that now includes you. at small get togethers, shared gym workouts, breakfast lunch and dinner hangouts, you’re always there with a bright smile and a warm greeting for her. she thinks she’s hiding whatever it is she’s hiding pretty well until nora pulls her to the side and asks why she just keeps staring at you whenever you’re around, that she understand there might be some lingering feelings of jealousy and resentment towards owen but that’s no reason to treat you rudely.

ʚɞ abby stumbles over her words, insisting that she’s not treating you rudely, that’s the last thing she would want to do. who would ever do that to someone as nice and sweet and gorgeous as you? she ends her mini explanation with a stiff chuckle and looks at nora who’s now staring at her with an open mouth and a flabbergasted look on her face.

ʚɞ so it’s clear that abby likes you. she doesn’t know how to grapple with the fact, and decides its best to just deal with it privately and wait for it to just pass as most things do. the only person who knows is nora, who after not talking to her for a few hours after their last encounter came back to abby’s room to apologize for walking out on her in a moment where they so clearly needed to talk more about what was just revealed. she assures abby that she’ll help her through this but it’s very confusing to herself as well. it’s not every day you have to deal with your best friend falling in love with her boyfriends new girlfriend.

ʚɞ she doesn’t agree with abby’s method, frequently telling her that dealing with this in private will only have the opposite effect. and just like normally she’s right, abby’s increased attempt at distance from you only peaks your worry and drives you to constantly check in on her to make sure she’s okay. one day you come by her room after one of your workouts, and the sight of you covered in a thin sheen of sweat in shorts and a tank asking her sweetly if she’s feeling okay and if she’d like to join you for lunch let’s her know for sure that she really can’t do this for much longer.

ʚɞ so she’s tries her best to try a different approach : exposure therapy. as bad as it sounds, she’s sure once she starts spending more time with you she’ll realize you aren’t some mythical girl of of her dreams and are just a normal person who’s dating her ex and who she can totally just be normal friends with. she comes up to you in the halls a few days later and asks if you’d like her to help you train for more field work and you beam up at her before wrapping your arms around her neck and thanking her a multitude of times before composing yourself. you go one about how you were so eager to prove yourself and you’d do no better than to have the abby anderson teaching you the basics. she zoned out as soon as she felt your skin against the back of her neck, nodding along to all of your words with a doe-eyed blank look.

ʚɞ it’s really nice bonding with you over the course of a few short weeks. you quickly pick up on the things she teaches you, and whatever you don’t she’s more than eager to help you learn. she hates to admit it but her conscious cheered a little bit when you told her you needed help aiming one of the bigger rifles, and it nearly screamed when she got to place herself behind you and helped you aim at the target practice. maybe she’s a bit delusional at this point but she swears she felt your body relax into hers, felt your breath stutter just a bit when her chest met your back.

ʚɞ and she knows it’s serious when she trusts you enough to share her space in the library. it’s a night when manny has a girl over so she’s in her usual cozy spot surrounded by the book shelves when she shears your gentle footsteps and call of her name, remarking that you initially went to the room out of loneliness about owen being gone for the night but came here when a breathless and shirtless manny told you her usual sleepover spot. she invites you to settle in with her in her heap of old blankets surrounded by dusty novels, trying her best to remain calm when you lean your head on her shoulders and insisted she keep reading her current book aloud.

ʚɞ she wakes up to the early morning light with her head rested on top of yours, snuggled up to battle the chill of the stadium air and your hand clamped around her arm. when she looks down at your face and wishes she could see you like this every day she realizes that she is really, really screwed.

ʚɞ luckily she doesn’t have to wait long to see you like that again. well, the circumstances are rather horrid. yet another soldier was having small secret party ok one of the larger stadium dorms and you were glued to abby’s side. everyone besides nora was confused but happy that the two of you seemed to be getting along so well, and nora herself kept giving abby looks that were a mixture between pity, worry, and just a bit of ‘you need to just get this off of your chest to anyone else but me’ annoyance.

ʚɞ abby was your designated drink manager, constantly making sure you weren’t too drunk and were drinking enough water to stave off any of the negative effects of the smuggled in alcohol they brought in for the party. you’re both sitting on one of the couches and observing the party when you make an off handed comment about not seeing owen for a while and abby decides to sit you down snuggly on the couch while she goes to look for him to appease your tipsy haze. her search leads her down the hallway, and it’s only when she hears an object drop in a nearby maintenance closet does she find out the truth.

ʚɞ she whips open the door to see owen and mel in a rather…well, let’s just say a really lewd position. in the midst of being disgusted and infuriated she finds a bit of amusement at mousy mel of all people doing a drunken hookup in a dingy closet. owen hurriedly tries to fix himself and his pants, insisting to abby that it’s not what it looks like, and suddenly his eyes lock on an object behind her and she turns around to see you, teary eyed and clearly betrayed before you silently stoop off to the direction of your own room.

ʚɞ abby is normally a calm person. as a soldier she isn’t afforded the luxury to let her emotions get the better of her in moments of stress. but seeing you with tears in your eyes and a wobbly lip makes her wish she broke owen’s nose on the spot. collecting all of her composure, she slaws the closet door in his face and quickly runs after you.

ʚɞ she quickly chases after you, making her way down the stadium halls until she finds your bedroom door agape, quickly knocking and entering when she hears your quiet cry demanding owen leave. she makes sure to announce who she is once she settles in beside you on your bed, gently extending her hands to make sure shes allowed to physically comfort you before pulling you into a tight hug once you let her know it’s okay.

ʚɞ she had again struggles to keep her composure when you cry into her shoulder, not minding the tears staining her t-shirt when she hears you weep about what a fool you wer, how you were such an idiot to believe that someone like him could truly care about you.

ʚɞ in the morning, she can blame the weeks of pent up feelings, or maybe the cup of beer she had an hour before, but she can’t stop herself from grabbing your shoulders and turning you towards her, commanding your attention before she reveals that should’ve warned you about owen earlier, that she should’ve known he would take advantage of someone with as sweet a nature as you. She’s always known he was a fool, but to ruin his chances of someone like you is the dumbest thing he ever could’ve done.

ʚɞ when you sniffle and look up at her with those shiny eyes and puffy lips and ask her if that’s true she feels her composed facade slipping, hands shaky as she reaches up to wipe your tears away before letting her palm letting her fingers trail down your face, biting her lip when she sees your eyelids flutter closer when her hands start to ghost down your neck.

ʚɞ she doesn’t feel sorry when she watches you take off your top, doesn’t feel guilt when she pushes you down to the bed and lets her lips bite and kiss from your neck to her chest and draw out all manners of whines and gasps from your throat. and when she feels your hips lift up and grind into her crotch, when her hands attach themselves to your hips and forces you to bring yourself to an orgasm in your pants, she doesn’t give a shit how it’ll seem when she parades you around the stadium tomorrow.

ʚɞ manny and nora are open mouthed and shocked when you walk hand in hand into the cafeteria the next morning, both starry eyed and covered in love bites as you sit together nearly attached at the hip. when owen walks in a few minutes later and quickly storms out after seeing the two of you, abby can’t help but shrug when manny asked her what the hell is going on.

ʚɞ “owen had his chance, and he should learn that jealously is a monster.”

ELLIE ꨄ

ʚɞ in moments like these ellie remembers laughing at how her fellow lesbians would fall for their straight friends in middle and high school and end up with broken hearts and broken friendships. and now as she sits across from you and listens to you lament about your boyfriend, she realizes that karma is real and she is totally a bitch.

ʚɞ truly, she has no one to blame, but herself the moment she saw you walk into the record store she worked at she knew that this would only lead to trouble for herself. It was obvious to Dina, who lightly pushed his shoulder and told her to stop drooling and to focus on her work and not fall into another relationship so soon after her catastrophic breakup with cat. she had rolled her eyes at the brunette and assured her nothing would happen, that she’d politely introduce herself, help you buy a product, and never think about or see you again.

ʚɞ god, what an idiot she was.

ʚɞ as soon as she introduced herself, you complemented her tattoo, mention that you had wanted one but were too indecisive about a design and placement. before she can even think of what she wants to say she’s telling you that wouldn’t mind hooking you up with her tattoo artist who could help you decide what you wanted. hell, she wouldn’t mind helping you decide what kind of vibe you were going for when it came to the body art and where exactly on your body would be best to showcase it.

ʚɞ you’re beaming up at her and thanking her, telling her that she really is just too kind. she’s even kinder when she continues to talk to you as she helps you look through the store, helping you decide which record would be best for your collection.

ʚɞ and helping you pick out another record as a gift. for your boyfriend. she can hear dina snicker at the counter all the way from three aisles away, passing it off as allergies when you turn to look at her.

ʚɞ but it’s not like she’s gonna fall for you. she gives you her number, but that’s because she already promised she’d help you with the tattoo stuff. and sure she talks with you for hours the following week and even goes with you to the parlor for moral support, but that’s because she’s a good person! and you even told her she’s a great friend for helping you with this! she’s just being friendly.

ʚɞ soon enough she basically becomes your new best friend. she doesn’t know how it happened really, somewhere between helping you when your car broke down in the middle of the road and having dinner with your parents when they demand to meet the person who’s been taking up an extra chunk of their daughters time. it’s frightening how easy it is to just be with you, to talk to you about any and everything. she remembers it took dina pestering her at work for weeks for them to become friends, and here she is laughing with your dad over roasted chicken after a month.

ʚɞ dina and jesse call her delusional. when the former shows the latter a picture of you on the instagram account you have to ellie he folds over in laughter and tells ellie oh so eloquently that she’s definitely going to fall for you, it’s only inevitable. but she remains vigilant that she wouldn’t do something so dumb. i mean yeah you’re basically exactly her type, like a deity went into one of her wet dreams and plucked the woman she manifested and placed you in the real world, but she was strong. there were plenty of fish in the sea. plenty of gay fish, to be exact.

ʚɞ she tries to go on dates, scrolls through tinder and likes every other attractive viable woman she sees. she even manages to have a few hookups. its really just a coincidence that they have some of your similar characteristics, truly. she’s not actually looking for you in any of these girls, that’d just be weird.

ʚɞ but then it happens. she has a girl over, her leg thrown over her shoulder as she grinds herself into the pretty girl’s cunt. she’s lost in a high after the blunt they’d shared earlier and her heads thrown back as she’s letting out expletive after expletive, and then she does it. she moans your name. she pauses, the girl pauses, and its silent as they remove their entangled limbs from each other and rigidly lay in bed side by side. it hurts even worse than the embarrassment when the girl pats her shoulder with a smile after she’s put her clothes back on, wishing her luck with whatever’s goin on between the two of you.

ʚɞ there’s no point in denying it then. she doesn't even get the chance to keep it to herself, the next day when she’s watching a movie on your couch you poke and prod at her until she reveals what’s got her in such a sour mood. she doesn't tell you the full story, of course, just that something absolutely mortifying happened last night when she was riding some girl. she groans that she didn't even get to finish and that was way worse then what she said, hoping the joke will ease some of the embarrassment she has telling the story and the guilt about passively lying to you.

ʚɞ she doesn't notice how you hips shift in your seat, how your teeth bite at the skin of your lip. she does notice when you question what she meant by riding a girl. she cant help but think about how adorable you are before explaining the position in the nicest way possible. you hum and turn your attention back to the movie and she thinks that's the end of the conversation. but only seconds later you’re asking her to show you.

ʚɞ she thinks she's dreaming. no, she knows she's dreaming. its happened before, weird dreams she has after a strong high where she swears her dreams become all the more vivid and lifelike. it was super annoying the second time it happened, she woke up to a world where she in fact did not win the lottery and get to make out with her celebrity crush. but this is just cruel, she didn't know her brain could be so masochistic. but no, the feel of your hand shaking her shoulder and shyly asking if you’ve made her uncomfortable is real, your big eyes flitting to anywhere but hers is real.

ʚɞ she stutters over her words, asking if you really mean it. and you say yeah, you’d been curious about this anyway. it wouldn't hurt to do it with ellie, you were friends, right? and god what an idiot she was because she’s nodding along like of course, this couldn’t make your friendship weird at all, right? so she gets to work, not doing anything too lewd except for gently pushing you to lie on your back as she maneuvers her body over yours, placing her crotch over yours until she can feel the heat of you through her jeans. she tries not to show a reaction to the sight of you looking up at her, curious and flushed as your hand briefly comes up to rest on her hip. its only when your hips delicately press up into hers that she abruptly removes herself from on top of you, stiffly chuckling before recommending you get back to the movie.

ʚɞ neither of you bring it up again.

ʚɞ it’s so much more difficult to be around you now. before she was resolute in the fact that she was alone in whatever weird feelings she had towards you, but eventually she might move on. but with only a few actions you threw that whole viewpoint out the window. now it was clear that you were interested. maybe not in ellie but in sex with another woman. a small part of her is upset at the fact it might not be her. its only cliche that if you started having these feelings you’d fall for your gay best friend, who the hell else were you thinking about? whatever, that wasn't important.

ʚɞ what was important was what occurred over the next few weeks. it happens slowly but surely, your complaints about your intimate troubles with your boyfriend. now ellie had met the guy before, and it made her feel slightly better that she had a valid reason right from the start not to like him. the man was clearly an ass, looking her up and down the first time they met and giving her a ‘yeah you’re weird’ look that he apparently didn’t think she’d recognize. luckily she didn’t have to see him often, only seeing him in passing when she spent time with you at yours or picked you up to go hang out.

ʚɞ but now his weirdness is apparently front and center. she nearly chokes on her chipotle when you tell her that he questioned why the two of you were spending so much time together, feeling like ellie was going to make a move on you.

ʚɞ and yeah, it was offensive. just because she was a lesbian didn’t mean she wanted to jump the bones of every woman she met. unfortunately that didn’t apply here because she very much did want to jump your bones. not like he knew that. hopefully.

ʚɞ but she doesn’t want to get in the way of your relationship, begrudgingly recommending that maybe the two of you should spend some time apart so he can chill out and realize he’s being paranoid. she’s very happy to hear your quick rebuttal, remarking how you’d rather dump him then spend any more time away from her.

ʚɞ god you are making this so confusing. and it only reaches a head the next time she sees you. you’d texted her to ask if she could come over late at night and obviously she said she would, along with a bag of your favorite drinks and snacks just in case you got peckish. so she’s sitting on the couch as you both eat some shareable m&ms when the topic becomes a bit more…intimate.

ʚɞ she notices your rigid shoulders as you sit stark straight on the couch and laughs about how pent up you must be. your following laugh is awkward as you agree that you have been a bit stressed lately. so she tells a joke, that your boyfriend isn’t up to par in bed. she expects you to laugh and hit her shoulder but you nod your head.

ʚɞ you…nod your head. and then you turn to her, and she’s getting flashbacks to the last time you were this close on your couch. her face is hot as whisper that the past few times you’ve tried to sleep with your boyfriend he, as you eloquently put it, ‘just pumps and dumps’, and brushes you off whenever you bring up the fact that you haven’t had a release. that as much as it ashamed you to say it, once he falls asleep next to you you sometimes find your hand trailing under your shorts and thinking back to her stories of the hookups she told you about, wishing she could show you how all of that felt.

ʚɞ ellie has always liked your bedroom. its soft and sweet, with vines of fake ivy hanging across the ceiling and a large canopy hanging over the bed. you even have an adorable collection of stuffed animals, a few of them gifted to you by her throughout the months of your friendship. all of the little guys have been shoved to the floor now, and for a fleeting moment she things they’re really just going to have to understand before her mind is consumed again with you, how you’re pretty flushed face is staring and moaning up at her as her wrist nearly cramps with how fast her fingers are pistoning into your wet cunt.

ʚɞ you haven’t even touched her and she’s already on cloud nine. your confession nearly made her pass out, and she swore she had died and gone to heaven when you asked her to help you with your problem and grabbed her hand to lead her to your bed. it was like her horniest dream come true to see you undress, to feel over your skin, to lower her head to your pussy and try her best to suck out your soul in the most loving way possible.

ʚɞ she feels her boxers get soaked when you cum around her fingers again, legs wrapping around her waist and head raising to muffle your sounds in her shoulder. she swore she nearly came when you bit into her shoulders, already knowing she was going to look into the mirror later to look at the mark your teeth left on her with a smile. but she didn’t predict for you to be so insatiable, for as soon as she pulls her fingers out of your cunt you’re whining and grinding your hips up into hers, whispering little *‘please, el, need more’*s

ʚɞ “don’t worry, baby, i’ll give you whatever you want. swear once i’m done you’re never even gonna think of that stupid boyfriend of yours again.”

[jagalart]

Hue 16

[unwri-ten]

They do killing and purging and lots of sin and steal candy from babies and small businesses (not talking about walmart)

[maybankslover]

so long, london- the third part

drew starkey x fem!reader

warnings: angst, fluff, breakup, mention of infidelity, sexual themes, mental health issues, mention of pregnancy, mention of infertility. sexual themes and innuendos. most of them don't happen but they're mentioned.

summary: she's an actress and a singer, he's an actor. coworkers that fell in love until it fell apart. now everything is gone but how did it disappear?

a/n: odessa a'zion is made the antagonist in this story. hateful comments aren't allowed, it's just for the plot.

[the face and hair color of reader changes depending on the picture i need for the instagram posts! anyone can imagine how their reader looks, it isn't a designated actress or singer for this fic]

moodboard

series masterlist

as she awaken, the distant sunlight that intruded through the closed curtains and the familiar arm laying across her stomach turned the morning into one she had been longing since the first night she spent alone. the lingering memory in her body of the ache in her chest and the sobbing out of control the morning she woke up in her best friend's house next to a cold side of the bed.

the clock on her bedside table told her it was nine a.m.

she let her hand get on top of his, drew tightened the hold he had her in but his breathing stayed the same, he was still asleep. her sight set on his face and chest, legs hidden under the duvet. they still loved eachother but she still wondered when he fell out of love, everything he did were things someone can only do when they aren't in love anymore.

they never had what everyone calls a 'one last chat'. she was tired of trying, of trying to get him to listen to her, to see her so she detatched herself from their relationship and he never asked for one before she packed her things and left.

last night was impulsive but she didn't regret it. half an hour later drew started to stir up.

"mornin'" she said.

"mornin' sweetheart." he turned his face to kiss her forehead with eyes still closed.

they stayed like that for a few minutes.

"do you want breakfast?" she asked.

"yeah." he opened his eyes tilting his head down to place a kiss on her lips.

drew stayed in bed while she showered then watched as she changed and did her normal morning rutine.

"use the shower if you want. i left you some clothes on top of the marble." she says taking her phone and walking out of the room.

twenty-five minutes later they sat at her kitchen table, fresh cut fruit, toast and tea in front of them. after a bit of small talk about how their family's were doing both of them had kept up with the other's family but they didn't have anything else to make small talk about until the real conversation started.

"did she really sent you death threats?" he asked.

"no, i was actually lying." she responded in a sarcastic tone. "you didn't believe me when i told you she was a crazy, obssesive and jealous, turns out i was right. as always." she smirks. "did you talk to her?"

"yeah, hadn't in a while actually. she thought i was reaching out to become friends again." he gives her his open cell. "you were right."

"on what?" she takes the phone and reads their conversation down from the time the relationship ended.

"she's in love with me." she chuckles.

"don't act as if you didn't know, you loved the attention your little 'dessa' gave you." she crosses her arms. "did you fuck her?" he nods no.

"it wasn't like that, we've talked about this. she wasn't like that for me." he sighs.

"sorry for asking about someone you used to ditch me for." she rolls her eyes. "at the end you cared more about being there for her than being there for me."

"don't be rude, i care about you more than i've ever cared about everyone else." he exclaimed.

"i'm not rude. i'm giving you the facts." she gave him back his phone and from his expression she knew what he was going to ask.

"who're you fucking?" he bit his inner cheek.

"you won't like the answer." she looks at his expression turn sour.

"try me." he takes a sip of his tea.

she giggles before telling him. "sam cafflin."

he stays silent.

"i told you, you wouldn't like the answer. i'm not anymore tho, his life got a bit complicated with his kids and everything." she shruggres her shoulders. "i don't know why i'm telling you this i don't owe you any explanation."

she stands up starting to clean the table.

"someone else apart from him?" why did he continue to ask she wondered.

"drew."

"tell me." he forrowed his eyebrows.

"dylan o'brien. he has a girlfriend now." she looks at him. "you're going to tell me, you didn't fucked anyone else in the past six months?"

"i did but not anyone we know, you worked with dylan last year!"

"and what it has to do with anything?" she puts the plate she had picked up down in the table again. "we both know i didn't cheat on you that i didn't give you any reason for you to think that. don't be a hypocrite, she was your fucking coworker too and we know what happened, you let it happen." she points at him in an angry mannerism before picking the things back up and turning around.

drew is about to speak up but she starts talking again.

"what's done is done and we can't go back in time. you made your decisions and i made mine and here we are." she turns her head to look at him for a moment before looking to her task again. "it's been over for a while. it was already over while we were still together."

he didn't answer, instead he got up and hugged her from behind making her to try to free herself from his hold but he tightened it and she gave up letting her head fall back into his shoulder.

"i know that. i know but" she interrupts him.

"there's no but."

"yes there is if you weren't so stubborn and let me talk for once you'd know there's a but." she turns around still in his arms. face to face once again.

"now you want to talk?" she was still mad, she didn't think she was. "you didn't want to talk ten months ago when it was time to talk, you didn't want to listen to me seven months ago when i told you i had something important! why should i listen to you know?"

"because i love you! and i'm fucking sorry i was an idiot, i'm sorry i took you for granted just because the non rutine seemed fun to have and i was an idiot to think that you wouldn't leave because you were it for me." he exclaimes letting go of her waist and holding her face. "i want you to listen to me saying sorry over and over and over again until you believe me, i know i gave up on us when i shouldn't have. i should've begged you."

"you should've." she mumbled making him laugh.

"i should've begged, i thought that we'd back together before i even realized and then you left the show and you wouldn't answer my texts." his eyes watering. "brooke wouldn't tell me anything, no one would and then the grammy's presentatation showed me how much i hurted you." he takes a deep breath in.

"drew." she whispers taking his waist in her hands.

"no. then the album came out and i-i don't know how could i make you feel like this and not see it. how i didn't pay attention to you, how i didn't fight for you." a tear fell down his cheek and she cleaned it with her thumb. "you need to go track by track of it with me."

"it'll hurt to much, i see what you're saying. i see it trust me but this is all i wanted to hear months ago, i love you really love you but you fell out of love with me." she bites her lip.

"no i didn't, i could never fall out of love with you." he tries for her to see that what he says is true.

she looks at his eyes. "what do you want from me?" she let all the air in her lungs out. "i don't have anything else to give you, my love? you already had it. what else do you want?" she pleaded

"a second chance, i need you to explain every single song to me. everything. i need to know how to change if you give me a second chance to make things right."

"and if i agree to explain this to you, will you give me a minute to think about the second chance?"

"yes, yes of course." he let go of one of her cheeks to put some hair behind her ear.

"let's go to my bedroom, i don't want to talk it here."

so there they were sitting in the floor of her bedroom, with the window wide open letting the spring sunlight wash over them.

"where do you want to start?" she looks up at him from her sight set on her computer with the album almost playing.

"out of the woods." he lays his back against the bed and she does the same but against the wall across from him. the song started playing and a minute later he asked her to pause it.

I walked out, I said, "I'm setting you free"

But the monsters turned out to be just trees

When the sun came up, you were looking at me

Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods?

Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet?

"what do you mean on the monsters turned out to be just trees' when the sun came up, you were looking at me? out of the woods? in the clear?"

"that everything seemed so much worse when it was simple, the things were laid on the table and even tho we were over, the sun was still there everytime you looked at me and i couldn't get rid of the anxious sensation of not knowing if i had to leave or if i had something more to hold on to." he nods. "which one next?"

"religion, i need you to explain the whole thing." she chuckles kknowing what he thinks it is about.

"you know what it is about." he nods. "it's about sucking you off. next"

he laughs. "thank you. you really had to drop my name at wild at heart?" she giggles watching him look down at the notes in his phone with all the questions he had.

"it's a nice one, be thankful i dropped your name there and not in another one. all my love doesn't need much explanation but do you have a question?" he says no so they continue to the next one.

"outside. did you write it or zayn did?" he asks.

"it was his but he let me make a few changes on it and he liked it." she gives him a side smile. " i wrote this parts." she plays the song.

Hurts me when I think about it

Someone else being in your bed

I know I'm not so innocent

But the love I had for you was real

Hope it hurts you when you think about it

do I keep the dog or do you want him?

When I look at him I think of you

The T-shirt that you're wearing, that's my favorite

Damn, I really thought that we would make it

"you would've never offer piggy to me." they both laugh.

"i'd never she's my baby." she smiles and takes a deep breath in.

"full machine." he says.

"i don't know what to explain, i was so dependant on you that i felt i was going to die if i wasn't with you apart from the love i think that was one of the reasons on why i let things slip through us. i would've done anything you'd want me to do." she sighs and he looks down to his lap. "i can't do you're losing me."

"why?" he asks.

"i wrote it at the bathroom of mackayla's wedding and sent it to aaron." one of her producers.

"oh." he doesn't have anything more to say.

"yeah so next."

"but daddy i love him? is it about me?"

"yeah and no, it's something i had collecting dust in the back of a drawer and i found it when i moved out. i started writting it maybe a year before i met you and the rest when we started dating and everyone used to say 'you were to good to be true' but then i didn't like it to put on previous albums."

I'm having his baby

No, I'm not, but you should see your faces

"that was really about you. it was fun when we used to joke about being pregnant, madelyn hated it so much that we got her hopes up everytime." she laughs and he follows her.

when it dies down she speaks up again. "block me out, the depressive episodes. had at least two years in my notes once again collecting dust."

"who's afraid of little old me must be one of your best works sweetheart." the nickname slips past his lips.

"thank you." she plays it and stops it when drew asks her to.

"that I'll sue you if you step on my lawn, that I'm fearsome and I'm wretched and I'm wrong? and then I was tame, I was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean 'don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth'?" he looks at her.

"when i first started, i was 14 and people never had any hope in me until i started making myself in into little girl's walls when they put up the posters and my song's started to go in the radio's." she tiltes her head to the side. "i never said anything when people critized me and the day i did, almost everyone turned their back on me."

"i remember." he nods.

"they thought they'd take me down, making me feel little again but i had gone through every stage in the industry. it's about not staying shut even if they'd hate me for it." he claps at her.

"it's such a strong song, you wordered it so beautifully."

"thank you d." she smiles. she hadn't call him that in a long while.

"the smallest man who ever lived." he says and she closes her eyes.

"it's one of the most difficult things i've ever written." she plays and drew doesn't asks her to pause it until it ends.

they look at eachother.

"i-i don't know where to start." she says.

"when did you write it?" he asks.

"every time you'd ditch me for her or for the group of them. it felt so wrong to write it but i needed to get everything out of me, i felt you were making fun of me that you were using me." she bites her lip.

"i wasn't, i'd never."

"it felt like it. it felt like now that you had found someone more intresting than me, someone less boring." he interrumpts her.

"that i'd shoot you until you were dead?" she nods yes.

"but i was dead inside already, the last shot was all it would take to take me down for real."

"what the fuck did i do to you" he lays his arms on his knees and puts his head in the.

"drew."

"no y/n/n!" he looks up. "how didn't i see what i was doing to you! how can you even have me here after what i did?"

"i don't know, i guess i still love you too much." she stands up to sit next to him and lays her head on his shoulder. "don't mortify yourself."

he looks at her. "why do you have so much empathy for me?"

she shrugges her shoulders. "why wouldn't i?"

they stayed like that for a minute until she played the next one, long story short.

"it's about the bad times, i must have written it two years ago maybe. when we survive the bad things, the people we loose, the people we gain and the betray in friendship's. the mistakes we make and the guilt we feel." he kisses her head.

"so long, london." he sighs.

"i wrote it after mack's wedding." she doesn't play it. she doesn't need to. "we have had such a good time in london, maybe one of the happiest places for me but when i went back for an interview and you stayed here, something told me the wedding we used to talk about would never happen." she fight backs the tears.

"you thought i didn't want you in my future?" she nods yes.

"you weren't fighting for me anymore, you used to." they look at each other and he places a kiss in her forehead. "i can't explain the prophecy. i don't even know how i exposed myself like that."

"it's alright." he gives her a close mouth smile.

"well abba." they giggle. "it's one of my favorite's and i couldn't believe they allowed me to cover it and put it in the album. thought it would fit in."

"well it did, my mom called to say i was an idiot." she laughs.

"sorry, she called me too. i love her."

my boy only breaks his favorite toys.

he asks her to pause it.

And I'll tell you that he runs

Because he loves me.

Cause you should've seen him

When he first saw me.

Once I fix me, he's gonna miss me

"i justified what was happening, i told myself that. i told my friends that." he doesn't know what to say. "you don't have to say anything."

"i should but i'm lost at words." she looks at him.

the black dog.

"you don't have to say anything." he tolds her aand she nods.

"thank you. oh we skipped clean." she says looking at the album. "i'm not clean."

"me either." he says and looks down at her lips and looks up to her eyes again. then leans down to kiss her.

she lets him and then breaks it.

"do you want me to explain but it was fun too?"

"yeah please. espresso it's such a bop."

"sab called me to tell me they wanted to do a ft to the song after it went out and i said yes." she smiles. "it's really a fun song."

"she's obssesed with something she'll never be (me)." he laughs out loud and she does too. "you were mean with that one."

"she's lucky i didn't drop her name or said much more mean things. she could never be me."

"she'll never be." it makes her smile.

"well i can do it with a broken heart, i had shows when we broke up and i was wrecked and still performed. the show must go on." she dismisses the meaning of it all.

"written all over your face is about me?" he asks.

"yeah kinda the label didn't let me put fucking instead of loving in the song." he laughs. "what? we had a moment, fighting and fucking. that was a good time even tho we were mad at each other."

"indeed it was." they both reminiscing the time. "hit's different is a good one too."

"the fans love it. i wasn't going to put it out but someone filtrated it and they loved it so it was put on the album."

and then the one she didn't want to reach. so american.

"you thought you were in love with..." he bites his inner cheek.

"it was exciting, not love. it was new, he's older and a secret." she looks at him. "had never been with a british guy, it was fun and he called me american all the time."

now it was akward.

"thank you for going through it with me." drew says.

"thank you for being intrested." she squeezes his thigh.

"do you want to have lunch?" he tries to lighten up the mood.

"sure what do you want to eat?"

"i can go pick up something from that place you like." she smiles at his words.

"sure, i'll go pick up piggy in the mean time."

once he's gone and before leaving the house. she post's on instagram [the gang]

text. girl groupchat

maddie "what????? is he still in your house??? why did you post him????"

maddie "so you did fuck last night hahaha"

car "of course she did."

bailey "..."

and drew's phone started to blow up too.

brooke "the hell???? [instagram post.]

mom "brookie sent me this"

austin "dude!!!! i miss one reunion and what the hell happened?"

he's confused until he opens what brooke sent's him and smiles to himself.

maybe she would give him a chance.

[chaotic-so3k]

I did transfem Chase!! Finally!

This is her post-transition, but I will definitely do pre transition stuff!

I'm very happy with this, it was also pretty quick!

[gaybuckybarnesss]

JOEL MCHALE Ted (2012) Deleted Scene

[solifloris]

on "voyage of the outcast";

a psychological analysis with a look into identity, feelings of inferiority, and the glorification of self-sacrifice.

LONG OVERDUE, THIS TOOK FOREVER ?? mentally im not over his story branch and i think about it OFTEN and i have a LOT OF THOUGHTS.......... this'll actually focus less on the story branch (and the potential parallels) itself, but more on what, personally, i think could be the implications!!! 🥰

warnings :: spoilers, +this is quite long! 😭

i'll preface this by saying that . confession time!!!!!! i didn't expect a lot out of this because mostly because i was initially pretty worried about how they would connect the last time we saw xavier (at philo) with the current point in the story, especially given that we ended on a point of a cliffhanger and xavier's and mc's relationship had not developed anywhere near close at that point. but i'm actually pretty impressed with how the writers handled xavier's branch... and i'm more than grateful that infold didn't fuck it up as much as i thought they would 😭

with that said...

HOLY SHIT DID THEY GO HAM WITH THIS 😭😭

and parallels and references aside, i really am quite happy that they perpetuated something i've been waiting to look into more in-depth for a while—because i feel that in these chapters, we get to see a lot of how xavier's upbringing has really shaped the way that he carries himself. sure, we've already seen it quite a bit in his limited cards, but seeing it in the main story hits more, especially when... there hasn't necessarily been a deep level of relationship development between the two yet.

which, the branch may reference his lightseeker myths and the anecdote "when shooting stars fall" a lot, but i'm glad that this gives the same desired effect even if you didn't get a lot of his cards (especially limited ones). because thankfully it's at least made pretty clear that xavier and mc haven't had the chance to develop their relationship very much past what we know in the main story itself. they're not in a relationship at this point, which, according to the cards, seems to really only get to that point after "21 days"...

so this brings us back to the xavier that we're more familiar with from before that card. the xavier who's still figuring out how to accept the parts of himself that had become a lot more fragmented throughout the years. the xavier who doesn't know how to do it yet, but the xavier who's still trying.

i know i did go into his upbringing and whatnot in some form of detail in my lumiere analysis (here, in case you maybe want to go through that too <3), but i'll expand on that a little bit here!! so how this will go, as much as i can keep it within the outline, is something like background + personality -> relationship. overall, we'll look into how each has influence over the other, and how that ties in to what we see in "voyage of the outcast"!!

++ a lot of these may be a little complex, but with the best of my abilities i'll try to break it down so its easily digestible !!!!!!! but, like... i'll disclaimer here again with this being my own personal speculation, from my understanding of his character hehe <3 so take it with a grain of salt? maybe? whdjsjfhhs

i. background and personality notes.

long-established is the fact that xavier has been depicted as royalty. at his core, he's the prince of philos—heir to the throne, someone who is to lead philos and its people when the current king no longer can.

...but he's also not been very happy about it. he'd distance himself from his family, and his duties, as much as he's able to...

and again, what does mc see when they first meet?

—"they say he doesn't live on campus because his family background is complicated, and many people have seen him surrounded by bodyguards."

—"they aren't clad in all black as one would expect, and they keep a respectable distance away from xavier. still, these people exude an air of oppression. xavier, with his bag, is at the center of their group. it seems he's used to being stared at. the only difference is that rather than being his usual expressionless self, he appears slightly upset."

—"'you appeared to be upset, so i thought you wanted to be free.'"

—"'i wish xavier is free to do what he wants.'"

she says all these things because even she recognizes him to be trapped. this is the mc that doesn't know him, isn't close to him yet at this point—but this is what she observes.

and this is the core of what we'll be looking at this time which i would section off into: (a) the nature of a prince, (b) constraint and psychological resistance, (c) incongruence of identity, and (d) feelings of inferiority. all of that, then, will tie into their relationship as a whole !

because if in the lumiere analysis we zeroed in on how this feeling of being "trapped" affected his identity—which, arguably though, is a big point so we'll get back to it nonetheless under section (c)—this time we're going to try to look into why these issues with his identity mean so much.

i. - (a) ; the nature of a prince.

something i do wish we had (or may get) more insight into is what exactly his life was like in philos x.x largely what we know of can only be inferred, because the story is being told through mc's point of view, and technically mc doesn't get too deep into the kind of lifestyle each of the LI's have.

with that being said... xavier, in his lightseeker myths and the 'when shooting stars fall' anecdote, still does encapsulate typical princely duties. there's the formality of royalty, the responsibility that comes with a higher status... a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title, and in that effect—we all know that there's a certain air of elegance and poise that xavier generally carries himself with, whether that be in his swordfighting, or the words he uses (he has pretty eloquent speech sometimes), the books he reads... even little things, like the calligraphy he does, his handwriting, the slow dancing, playing the piano. he's well learned, and it's clear that he's been trained truly in the image of a prince.

and he's calm. collected. for the most part, we've seen him deal with adversities in a way that's almost chillingly calm; and for the most part, he portrays himself in a way that feels as if it's not easy to get him to lose that calm. again, it's why we as the audience tend to be so shocked when he does—maybe incredibly, even, especially with misty silhouette as of late. he gives this image of someone who does not often lose control of his emotions...

but it's never been because he wants it that way.

along with all of these things, comes the duty of being a prince.

a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. again, there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title. but more than that, is the responsibility of holding such a high status.

xavier is the crown prince. he's the next-in-line. he's expected to take the throne after his father's death, and that means being able to lead and care for the people of his nation—or, well, planet, i suppose, in this case, philos. that's a heavy burden to bear. he's already likely faced with all these lessons, to exude a princely demeanor, and all that formality, and speciality, and elegance, and poise—and now he has to keep in mind that the satisfaction and the safety of this planet will fall directly into his hands when the time comes.

we know later on in his lightseeker myth that this means much more than we think it does—because it means being aware of, and accepting, and condoning the sacrifices that go into keeping philos safe, for, well... exactly that. to keep the people safe.

—"...I knew you'd catch on. However, it is a necessary duty of the crown prince. It is also the King's responsibility."

—"Xavier! Listen to me. A King cannot act on his emotions or only protect the people he holds dear. Your duty is to protect Philos. You must only do what is necessary."

his duties are outlined. he has to protect philos. he must only do what is necessary.

it may be the topic of another conversation entirely, but the whole debacle with philos is really just that whoever is on the throne has to answer: "which is it that men cannot live without? a blessing that leads to damnation, or a freedom that leads to deprivation?" [joshua rosfield and the ff16 writers, thank you for this quote that lives in my head rent free] and like, hell. that's a difficult choice to make.

it's also worth noting that although the context here is somewhat dark, this is a rule that applies to general leadership—there is not much room to be selfish, because you have to think about the people under your care, or rule, or jurisdiction. it's a responsibility that falls on your shoulders for you to bear, for you to make the right call, the right decision—that is the value that the xavier's father is trying to instill in him.

because he is the crown prince.

because he will soon be king.

and heavy is the head that wears the crown.

...only, xavier has never once been receptive of it.

i. - (b) ; constraint and psychological resistance.

we go back to, again, "when shooting stars fall", and the very clear recognition mc has of his lack of freedom.

because that's what it is.

lack of freedom.

because duty is the enemy of freedom.

and xavier, given his position, is undeniably plagued by all of these duties and these obligations and these things that fall to him-

yet, he's never wanted any of it.

though not explicitly confirmed in the game itself, the setup that's implied leads us as the audience to believe that xavier has never enjoyed his royal duties, never found that it was something he desired. it could be that he wanted many other things, but has never been allowed to enjoy these things. in "when shooting stars fall", he's often lonely; often surrounded by these "bodyguards" and rarely interacting with other people in the academy. he believes that these figures restrict him from watching the meteor shower with mc, too. it's possible to think that he's believed, all that time, that he had no say in the things that he does...

because he has to be molded into the perfect image of a prince.

that's where it comes in: the constraint.

something that limits one's freedom of action or choice.

it may or may not be what happened in actuality, but it's clear that by the time anecdote 3 happens, xavier had developed into a person with the misbelief, conditioned, that he was not allowed to do as he wished. it could be the strict training, it could be the things they might have kept from him when he was little.

but xavier believed that there was nothing that he could do.

in a sense, this brought about a sense of learned helplessness.

learned helplessness is the learned feeling that one has little to no control over a certain situation—and because of the lack of control, feelings of helplessness, or passivity, or a lack of motivation to take action, end up resurfacing. it could mean overlooking opportunities for relief, or change—it means basically accepting the situation as-is, without bothering to try to get out of it. "it is what it is." "i can't do anything anyway, so why should i still bother?"

this is the xavier that we meet at the beginning of anecdote 3.

— "I can't." "Is it because of those..." I hesitate, wondering what to call them. "People?" Xavier appears shocked, and then he nods without saying a word.

— "Don't be sad. I'll just go by myself... I'll bring your wish to the stars when I do. What's your wish?" "I don't have one." "How could someone not wish for anything?"

however...

it changes.

the xavier at the beginning of that anecdote is not the same xavier we see at the end of it.

mc makes various comments; talks about how he's smiling more, and we see him more deliberately avoiding the company of those "people" in favor of being with mc instead. he's found something he wants, and he makes the decision that this is worth fighting for. it breaks him out of that mold of learned helplessness—

only to have it ripped away from him through mc's death.

this anecdote is painful because he realizes that he doesn't have to be trapped anymore... but it's a moment that's short-lived.

and it builds.

it builds.

it's very likely that the end of that anecdote haunts him for years on end, builds up a certain sense of resentment and disdain for the universe, for his circumstances, and builds more of that rebellious nature.

when we see him in his lightseeker myth, that learned helplessness is gone.

and instead, it switches to the opposite end.

xavier is more headstrong. he's no longer passive, no longer the boy who was unsatisfied with the restrictions but sat still and did nothing. he literally walks out of his conversation with the king, and he's seen multiple times in the myth defying what's expected of him.

but because it's gotten to the point where he's at the opposite end of the spectrum...

he'd develop, instead, what would be called psychological resistance.

maybe not the concept in its entirety, sure, but the very core of it—that is, displaying these paradoxical, opposing behaviors in response to what he'd be told to do.

it's, in a way, that xavier would have himself feeling stuck nonetheless; because he's so insistent on rebelling against all of this, that the more he's told he's a prince, or that he has to do this, or that, or help philos, or whatever, he completely turns his back on it. i would argue that at this point he is being less objective of the situations and, going against the expected conduct of a prince, gets overly emotional—at this point, the only thing that matters to him is mc.

we get to see the full extent of exactly why xavier is emotionally unstable, because he keeps fluctuating between the two extremes of dealing with all the constraint he's experienced.

i. - (c) ; incongruence of identity.

it get worse, naturally.

to set the stage for this, i'd bring forth the concepts of "congruence" and "incongruence" of identity.

so when we talk about congruence, this refers to the fact that there is a balance between our ideal selves (aka who we want to be) and our actual selves (who we are currently). this means that we basically accept who we are, either that we feel like we are already our ideal selves, or we recognize that though we might not be at our ideal stage, we know how to work to achieve it. there is no conflict between who we are and who we want to become.

incongruence is the opposite of that, and refers to the imbalance of the self. who we are now is not who we want to be, but we don't like that idea. we don't know how to work towards it. it makes us upset, and we may reject ourselves completely to pursue the sense of idealism.

and xavier falls heavily into incongruence.

there's more to it—

according to james marcia, there are four (4) statuses of identity: identity foreclosure, identity diffusion, identity moratorium, and identity achievement.

foreclosure refers to committing to an identity and accepting it, without exploring other options: you'd rather just blindly accept values and ideas and identities that other people suggest, without bothering to consider other options. it's most clear that xavier falls under identity foreclosure.

(diffusion refers to no identity commitment, and no exploration of identities; there is no strong sense of who you are as a person, neither is there any sense of actively trying to work on it. moratorium includes actively exploring options, but not being able to settle into one identity. achievement is the ideal, having explored options and willingly chosen the identity that feels right to you.)

so we have the xavier who's initial identity was chosen and laid out for him without much of his own say in the matter, and because he doesn't want the identity, because it's forced onto him, he develops such an aversive reaction to it that it proves to be quite harmful to the stability of his mental state.

something i've talked about a lot, is how this state of his identity is a cornerstone to the things we see him struggle with, in the main story and in his cards alike, and especially in his relationship with mc. and it sets the tone for the xavier that we see and interact with, as well as the character arc he has to go through to grow into a better person.

once again, it pulls out the fact that he needs to learn to accept who he is as a whole. what he keeps doing is striving for an ideal, striving to become who he "should", as far away from his princely identity as possible. but it's necessary for him to realize that even the most conflicting parts of him are still.. well, him.

the more we attempt to be who or what we are not, the more we remain the same. but when we acknowledge and become what we are, we open right new possibilities for change.

it's not necessarily a matter of blindly accepting your faults and not bothering to change that, but acknowledging the parts of you that you refuse to acknowledge, because you can't just... ignore who you are. like xavier has been very keen on doing.

i. - (d) ; feelings of inferiority.

i want to preface this section by saying two things: (1) that inferiority is a word that's thrown a lot very casually, but actually means something different than what general media portrays it to mean... and, (2) that all of the LI's show conflict with feelings of inferiority, in very different ways, and this is not limited to just xavier!

and to understand what inferiority really means, we go back to the person who coined the term in the first place: alfred adler.

so alfred adler is this guy who's basically responsible for what we call "individual psychology", and the very very basis of it is that people are driven by a need to feel that they are significant, and that they belong. there's heavy emphasis on the importance of relationships and social environments, and— a person is influenced by how they interpret events that happened to them in the past.

i hope you see where i'm going with this !!!!

when we relate this to xavier... we can recall how under learned helplessness, it was primarily xavier's view of how he was treated, that he developed a sense of passivity. when things change and he loses mc despite finally learning how to rebel a little, his view changes into one stained more with frustration and disdain—so he works against the situation and rejects it.

the fact is that we as the audience don't know how he was really treated. sure, we can make inferences, but we're just about making the same inferences that mc and xavier do. it's a limited perspective. and what matters the most in a limited perspective is how it's interpreted. we can see clearly how xavier has interpreted his narrative, and it therefore results into his behavior.

so where does inferiority come in?

it does get kind of intense, because individual psychology is closely related to early childhood. so the theory goes that everyone's born with a little bit of inferiority—and then, as kids, or as babies because we strive for the attention of our parents to help fulfil our basic needs we develop this kind of habit of striving to get rid of that inferiority. baby wants food (sense of inferiority and dependance), baby cries (tries to get attention to get rid of the feelings of inferiority).

so it goes that if the child gets the proper care that they need, then problem solved. but inadequate nurturing... means the problem gets worse. we'd go back to learned helplessness, because then the child would feel like they have no control over their surroundings. and while this is normal in small amounts, if it isn't addressed, compensation is just not enough anymore.... and then they would strive for even more.

overcompensation.

and overcompensation leads to an inferiority complex.

now, an inferiority complex isn't what you might be thinking, because it doesn't necessarily just mean seeing yourself as... less than someone. in fact, it's not even about comparison, really, it's just... the feeling of not being enough. it's a lack of self esteem where the feelings of inferiority that all this started with just, haven't been dealt with at all. so it's a cycle of constantly trying to compensate, and compensate, and compensate... it's the need of someone to feel special because they can't accept themselves as flawed. (it's unfortunate, because everyone is flawed... including themselves.)

(it gets worse, because if even that gets left unchecked, it develops a superiority complex which is kind of the same concept, but instead focuses on looking for the "easy way out", like borrowing authority or luxury or power from other people and living according to other people's value system)

but, i digress, because in xavier's case, his sense of inferiority stems from the identity forced upon him. given his background that we went over, there's a lot of pressure involved... and it is once again inferred that he does not have, or does not view that he has, a good relationship with his father (one would assume, including his mother, though i don't believe his mother has been mentioned anywhere?). it's a sense of a lack of nurture; the fact that he has felt as if his needs were not being met and instead pushed aside for something like the "greater good of the people of philos", or something along the lines.

he has to do something about it.

it goes back to the cycle.

the learned helplessness is pushed aside, and he keeps doing things because he has to. and it could be due to the belief that it's what will make him worth anything.

he has to.

except instead of directing his determination necessarily towards the planet he was supposed to lead... because he's so aversive to his identity as a prince...

he directs that towards...

mc.

he has to help her. he has to save her. he'd give rise to the whole lumiere thing to save her, even despite how much he despises resuming an identity similar to the prince of philos.

he has to.

(which, side note: i do believe that his sword fighting also somewhat stems from an inferiority complex, because of the line:

"it's not that i like it. it's the only thing i've been good at since i was a child."

(implying; his need to still feel good at something despite a lack of enjoyment... almost as if compensating for something.)

ii. xavier and mc.

so what does all of this mean for their relationship?

evidently, at the time of voyage of the outcast and the general main story, none of these issues are addressed. this is not like the lumiere myths, not like 21 days, no restraint, floral blessing—this is the xavier who's still largely unstable on the inside but trying to put on a brave face.

there's a lot of things he doesn't know how to navigate.

but the one thing he is sure of is:

mc.

always mc.

she's important to him and he loves her and he has always loved her. this is the person who was the catalyst to him believing that freedom was possible.

and we've had this whole thing established, that he's so insistent on keeping her around that—he doesn't know what to be. he doesn't know what to do. he wants her around, he wants her to like him—

but what does she like?

there's too many sides of him, and he recognizes that this mc in this timeline is her own person. what should he be? he doesn't want her near whatever princely persona he's had in the past—but what if that's what she wants? he wants to show her the person he wants to be, but what if that's not what she wants?

how does he navigate that?

it's the baseline of where he starts—why we see him aloof, and vague, and a little cyptic. he wants to be careful with his words not just to protect her and not just for nonintervention principle... but also because he wants to figure out what she wants, and really wants to make her like him.

he doesn't want to lose her. he doesn't want to mess up and have her go to another guy, he doesn't want this to be a timeline where he can't win her heart.

it's there again, the determination—

he has to.

he has to.

he's doing all these things, working in secret to protect her—he can't lose her. and he's not enough, so he has to do something to compensate that. he wants her approval, he wants praise, he wants her to like him.

when we go back to voyage of the outcast, there's still a lot of that same xavier that we start with—he's still struggling with all of these ideals, the interaction of all that he's grown up with and the things that he has to learn how to navigate.

he's still a little vague, still a little cryptic...

but he's trying, most of all.

he puts in an effort.

— "Isn't there something you genuinely want to ask?"

— "Oh... You're asking if I have a hidden side to me like Soren?"

— "You must have more questions."

he's giving her a chance.

even if the way he answers are still lacking in explanation—it's a step forward nonetheless.

and they do talk about it, that sequence by the basketball court has so much to it, because in one way or another, he's still trying to express his thoughts, even if it comes out, again, still a little vague.

"Perhaps it's because he looks like a good student that makes him the best at doing things behind the scenes. After all, people don't write their secrets on their faces. The calmer the water's surface, the easier it is to hide dangerous undercurrents."

even mc recognizes it:

— "Even though I'm so close to you, experienced all these life-and-death situations with you, I still cannot seem to fully understand you."

but why i say he's trying is that, in theory, he understands what he's lacking in. at this point in the story, he knows he's doing things to mask and pick and choose what he shows her, he recognizes that it's not what he should be doing:

"But... the parts of me you think you know and the parts you think you don't know... They make up who I am. All of me, right here in front of you."

it's just that, knowledge is often different from practice.

from the xavier we see here, you get the image that he knows what he should be doing, but he doesn't quite know how to get there. he knows what he wants to tell her, but he doesn't know how to express it properly.

and it's why when we get to The kindled scene, we're pulled back into the xavier that still hasn't come to terms with himself and what he wants, the xavier that falls into the shadow of himself that can't help but be so aversive to his princely duties.

we pull together the insecurities, the incongruence— the inferiority complex.

and we end up with the glorification of sacrifice.

this is something i've always always wanted to get into, and again, similarly to inferiority, it's present in all the LI's, but xavier's really makes you think, you know?

because for being so aversive to his role as a prince and everything that philos has done/has planned to do to queen mc especially, you'd think he'd be just aversive to the role of sacrifice, in general.

(i mean, i know i would be! 😭)

it's like— if i'm already that aversive, then i'd rather find some kind of workaround to it than bother giving into the sacrificial needs of the planet, just to challenge what's supposed to be, you know?

— "A planet that uses... ... ...to survive.... doesn't deserve to be saved." [ <- do you see the aversion? there's so much hatred and disdain in this! ]

and yet, that's not what xavier does.

— "Starfall forest... will stop once it has enough power..."

— "I couldn't... I didn't protect you before. At least... it chose me this time..."

he was very clearly planning on having the forest take him. it's even further pushed by him recognizing mc to be there, but... the bottomline falls to the fact that he was willing to be the sacrifice that was needed instead.

the contradiction is there, no?

he doesn't want to save the planet, not at all, but yet he'd offer himself.

and although this falls to my personal speculation, when you draw references from his background, there's once again the fact that he grew up with all of these ideaologies. his parents were the first sources of influence—and then whoever had been with him through his growth, and trainings, or whatever else as a prince. and he was learning all these things in philos, the very planet that did use sacrifices.

and upset though he always has been about learning of the sacrifices, it's not as if the planet condemned mc for being the sacrifice... if not, well... glorified her, somewhat. they called her the perfect sacrifice—the life force of the planet. they held importance in what they believed to be "true immortality". moreover— "her duty was to save philos, because her existence worked in such a manner."

it wasn't just "whatever" to them, and they surely didn't treat her like shit just because she was a sacrifice.

it feels as if, the theme goes as "you're doing a good job being the sacrifice. your sacrifice will save us and that is worth something to be thankful for."

and even if xavier is clearly averse to the idea... again—the fact remains that he was brought up with the entire theme of sacrifice surrounding him.

we circle back to inferiority.

there's that certain sense of belongingness, or approval, that was never fulfilled in his childhood, so much that he began to resent everything altogether, enough to rebel so much, the way that he did.

but it stems from what he never received.

and while he may not care anymore for approval from the people of philos, what he does care for is mc's approval.

because again, mc is the only one that truly matters to him, the one he focuses on the most, the one he's doing all of this for.

he has to do something to compensate, he has to do something so that she'll love him.

the same line of thinking that we said earlier he'd come to terms with knowledge-wise, that he's trying to be more genuine instead of chasing after compensation and praise and compensation and praise—

but again, in this scene, it falls back.

he's lost sense of reasoning, the evol, the protofield, they're all affecting him... and we go back to that sentiment.

he has to do something. to protect her. to save her. to be...

noble.

the only issue with that is in this moment, he's faced with the prospect of sacrifice. and he's thinking, "fuck it, this will make her happy—i can save her—i can do something—it will give me some worth."

he's sucked back into that shell, and the option in front of him is sacrifice, which he's likely long grown up with surrounded by glorified opinions of.

it's his duty.

he has to.

and it's just so gut-wrenching to think about, because he loves mc so much that it bypasses even every ounce of aversion and resentment (that she triggered long long back), and he would do anything for her.

the xavier that we see in this scene is raw, and lost, and in pain....

he loves her so much that it hurts.

... but, there's beauty in the way that this teaches him firsthand what he's missing, too. he learns to trust her more, learns to rely on her more... enough so that he drops a good portion of the aloof, distant-ish act he'd been generally having after this scene.

— "Your power will keep me safe."

— "It's as if he's already at the finish line with the answers. He's quietly waiting to see if l'll join him or choose a different path."

voyage of the outcast ends on a hopeful note for their relationship, because there is the premise that he's going to start being a little more true to himself from here on.

i think it's interesting to go through this again after floof attack and misty silhouette, but there's definitely a stark contrast and some sort of progression actually involved with the way they're progressing the main story—it does feel natural, not forced, not rushed, because xavier and mc are still at the pount where neither of them are ready to be romantically involved...

but they're getting there. slowly. steadily.

and it's really nice to see the growth, that i can't wait to see how xavier will continue to grow from hereon out 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

THIS TOTALLY GOT A LITTLE MESSY TOWARDS THE END.... I SWEAR THIS IS LIKE. THESIS DISSERTATION CORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW LONG ITS GOTTEN WJFJWNBGEJJF BUT IF YOUVE MADE IT THIS FAR TY FOR LISTENING TO MY RAMBLES !! 😭😭😭✋✋✋✋

i think about his story branch a lot but specifically the basketball scene and the one at the end with the lil shared earphones... im gonna sob in the corner i actually want to hold him in my arms so so gently 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[koolaidashley]

Sooo this is how 04 mikey got his caaaatttttt she was in the traaaaash he loves her so much <3

04 intro post

[sforzesco]

BROTHERS

The river Weser ran between the Roman and Cheruscan forces. Arminius came to the bank and halted with his fellow chieftains:— "Had the Caesar come?" he inquired.​ On receiving the reply that he was in presence, he asked to be allowed to speak with his brother. That brother, Flavus by name, was serving in the army, a conspicuous figure both from his loyalty and from the loss of an eye through a wound received some few years before during Tiberius' term of command. Leave was granted, and Stertinius took him down to the river. Walking forward, he was greeted by Arminius; who, dismissing his own escort, demanded that the archers posted along our side of the stream should be also withdrawn. When these had retired, he asked his brother, whence the disfigurement of his face? On being told the place and battle, he inquired what reward he had received. Flavus mentioned his increased pay, the chain, the crown, and other military decorations; Arminius scoffed at the cheap rewards of servitude.

They now began to argue from their opposite points of view. Flavus insisted on "Roman greatness, the power of the Caesar; the heavy penalties for the vanquished; the mercy always waiting for him who submitted himself. Even Arminius' wife and child were not treated as enemies." His brother urged "the sacred call of their country; their ancestral liberty; the gods of their German hearths; and their mother, who prayed, with himself, that he would not choose the title of renegade and traitor to his kindred, to the kindred of his wife, to the whole of his race in fact, before that of their liberator." From this point they drifted, little by little, into recriminations; and not even the intervening river would have prevented a duel, had not Stertinius run up and laid a restraining hand on Flavus, who in the fullness of his anger was calling for his weapons and his horse. On the other side Arminius was visible, shouting threats and challenging to battle: for he kept interjecting much in Latin, as he had seen service in the Roman camp as a captain of native auxiliaries.

Tacitus Annals 2.10-11

there's a lot going on in there! Arminius switching to Latin is a detail that always makes me feel a deep kind of sadness, especially with how it's preceded by mention of their mother. I wonder what she thought of what became of her sons, on opposite sides of everything but still, inescapably, brothers. even when they want to kill each other. there sure are a lot of fucked up and unhappy brothers around. and Arminius asking about Flavus' injury............I also had a whole thing typed out about the horror of imperialism and colonization and the trauma of assimilation but I think this sets the tone better

Rome's Greatest Defeat: Massacre in the Teutoburg Forest, Adrian Murdoch

and also this, just for fun

(ibid)

this post is already a mile long, so lets add another mile to it: a little scene at the start of their conversation! tfw you go in for a hug and your younger brother who also ended up being taller starts roasting your hair style

bsky ⭐ pixiv ⭐ pillowfort ⭐ cohost ⭐ cara.app⭐ko-fi

[andfor-you]

[jenfoundabug]

lllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg (This spider is very long, if you didn't notice.) I love the little feetsy sticking off to the side to monitor vibrations on its web.

Stretch spider (genus Tetragnatha) Northeastern Pennsylvania, US

[drearydaffodil]

I say so long to this stupid mess

An unarticulated loneliness

To this ache a hostile goodbye

Step on his foot, punch him in the eye

The pain that nestles in my chest

I'll amputate, it's for the best

All this grief I've choked upon

I spit it out, I want it gone

I am not trapped by my mistakes

I will not drown in shallow lakes

I'll swim away, I'll find the sea

Untethered now & finally free

I'm delicate but I'm so strong

I'll sail away, I'll say so long