#so bug checking didnt go very well for me i suppose

[aquarii-if]

Hey there. I think there's a bug with the information page with stats, relationships, and codex. When I press go back to the game, it just stays in the menu or moves back to the previous menu. So if you don't save before checking the page, then you're just stuck there or have to load up an earlier save further back in the story.

Fixed now! Just checked and it should be working for all passages.

[wormbloggign]

genuinely interested in what taylors reading here, assuming it isnt required reading for school since the prt seems to have regulations on and about juvenile capes

i wonder if its twilight?

self care!!! (she would not give herself this kind of time off if she werent in prison)

taylors back to her favourite pastime again!

the logistics around this would be very funny to figure out, though i pity the sap that has to change the bug-ket when it gets full

that explains how quickly they got it, i had assumed dragon was just being creepy and had pre-made the hero!skitter costume in the hopes it came up.

this way is probably better

...

yeah, nah that's not gonna work. "mistakes" is doing a bit too much heavy lifting on your part armsdealer

he is staying as STILL as POSSIBLE (goofy guy behaviour)

so were currently 2 for 2 on PRT non-cape fuckheads, lets see how he holds up! (either way i somehow doubt he is long for this world)

Mrs Yamada. I like where you're coming from but therapy + 10 judgemental onlookers might not be the best call.

aw fuck hes getting downright endearing

REAL (clockblocker has shot up to S tier)

WORLDS SLIMIEST MAN (its nice that hes on taylors side but like wow this guy is shit)

GIRL!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR SPOT CHECKING!!

she does not give up on her hobbies gd

dont worry, all im doing is setting up a large scale surveillance state, perfectly ethically and legally sound.

okay ignore any bad ting i may have ever expected to say about glenn.

THIS MAN GETS IT

YES!!!

WERE GETTING DOWN THE PRESENTATION!!!!

the dissonance is too powerful for him, he's seen taylor at some of her most nightmariest highs and now she's going through the same public relations hoops he had to

i really wasnt trying to find him this charming, i really wasnt

taylor drops ONE (1) bugfact and suddenly shes getting called a nerd. maybe the endbringers are right, we really should kill them all

d-doesn't he go to classes on exacty this?

what am i saying, he wouldnt pay attention in school

yes actually, 'disturbing' does suit your swarm of insects quite well as an adjective

i get that we're supposed to be a little annoyed at the constant micromanaging but i expected theyd do at least this much, im surprised she didnt get some media training beforehand, theyre being pretty hands off, all things considered.

maybe thats because they want her to fail though :(

eyyyy! thats... deeply disturbing as a heroes one-liner actually. maybe take some more time workshopping that

oh that's nice, her bugs worked to break concentration, this is a fight against dnd wizards

LETS GET ELDRITCH BABEYYY

unbe-weaver-ble

i do love how hard theyre commited to the bit though

legitimately sick burn

had to be done, glenn wont be happy though

B)

“Taylor Hebert?  On the issue with the bug population of my facility, I feel it would be a very bad idea to provide you with a caustic substance to give your bugs, given what your file says you achieved with capsaicin.  I had a bug zapper purchased, and you should be able to access it with each and every one of your tiny soldiers.  I expect to see it used, understand?”

(moving to copy paste bc tumblr says no more screenshots)

immensely funny solution

The spiders, I kept on hand, directing them to the burned corpses.  They could breed, in time, and I could put them somewhere where they wouldn’t encounter any people. Breaking the rules, maybe, but it was something to occupy my thoughts.  It made me feel just a little safer, a little more like myself.

its gonna be so funny when the wardens find the underground spider breeding ring

[marzipanandminutiae]

its really too bad that you didnt respond to the well written response nbraraeaves made to your incredibly cruel and judgmental tags on that post. they brought up a lot of good points and its disappointing how youre so unwilling to hear any perspective other than your own.

Genuinely I had no idea what this was about until I scrolled halfway down their blog. Maybe next timetry specifying the theme of said post at least, so I have some idea about what I've been "incredibly cruel and judgmental" in regards to? We're not mutuals, and this was such a quickly dashed-off reblog that I didn't think to keep track of it after moving on to the next post.

I found what you were talking about, I think. I tagged a post about wanting community tags to block "x reader" fics- that is, second-person fics where the reader is a given character's OC love interest -thus:

Which, I admit, was a bit snarky of me. Although I will clarify that I meant it as an expression of genuine surprise: most fandoms have stories ranging from breathtaking to unreadable, quality-wise, in every sub-category of fic, so it surprised me that I'd never come across any Well-Written But Not My Thing stories of the Xreader variety. Logically I still figure there must be some out there, somewhere; it just seems strange that I've never found them.

the commentary, unlike this ask, was very polite and considered, and made some points I hadn't thought of before. (hence why I am actually responding to it, instead of simply deleting the ask)

They mentioned a lot of things I'll admit I hadn't considered- I assumed it was mostly just people wanting to bang a specific character. Which would be fine, to be clear! I don't go into Xreader circles and yuck anyone's yum- I said this on my private blog, where I thought nobody into that sort of thing would see it.

Which leads to another point: I did not think anyone who was into Xreader would be following me.

Listen, on the balance, the Xreader fanfic in my fandom tends to be. Not kind to the female main characters, Lucille especially. And again, that's fine; I'll just avoid those fics. But it lead me to assume, clearly incorrectly, that most CPeak Xreader writers hated my Best-Beloved Blorbo, and therefore were unlikely to stick around once I made my love for her clear.

(Why I didn't think about other types of XReader writers...I can't say. Fandom laser-focus, I suppose.)

Now, clearly I was wrong- that commenter is a CPeak Xreader writer and at least tolerates my immense desire to blanket-burrito Lucille like a hissing kitten enough to actually read my fanfic. It's for them that I'm answering this, not you; however that post came to my attention, it's still worth sharing, and they shouldn't be punished for what some anon with a bug up their ass does.

@nbraraeaves: I appreciate you sitting down to tell me why your preferred form of writing is meaningful and enjoyable to you. Thank you for your comment. While XReader will probably never be my thing- honestly, more because I want the characters to be with each other and not me than out of any perceived Inherent Failing of the medium, above tags notwithstanding -I can understand your perspective on it much better now. I hope it continues to bring you joy for a long time to come

@Anon: you may now retreat to your hidey-hole, proud and secure in the knowledge that [checks notes] you got a random person to stop being a little bit disdainful towards your favorite fanfic genre on the Internet. your gold star will be arriving in 3-5 business days

[thegongoozlerreacts]

Welcome Home (Part 6)

ok so this has been going on for much longer than i thought it would (i started making this post in july, its september now, so i might not remember stuff from before bc its been so long)

now that i have some free time, i can finally continue and hopefully finish this

anyways i decided i was gonna organize all the secret stuff ive found so far by making tab groups

which was the BEST decision i made because it made me go back to old links (the askew letter stuff) and i have found NEW stuff !! on the old stuff !!

all of that and more under the cut

so first off

bug spotted !! i got scared seeing it LOL

an animation doodle !!

so lets start with the bug video

ok so until the end i was so confused what the hell i was looking at, and im pretty sure that its paint

what the painting's supposed to be, ive got no idea but very fascinating

this bug video was Barnaby recounting the day's events to Home, most of those events being other bug videos

also !! i copied the link of this bug video and noticed it ended in '14-14-bh'

i checked the other bug video links and they're all similar !! which means there's 14 of these videos and hopefully ive found them all (i will be re-organizing this so that its in order)

also i think the last two letters are the first letters in the names of whichever neighbors are talking in the videos

ok ive ordered them and i am missing videos 13, 7, and 3! so there's only 3 more bugs for me to find !! hopefully i didnt miss any in past searching (but i will probably double-check if by the end im still missing some videos)

next up is the doodle audio

so this one is titled 'way' and its Wally asking why cant he hear us, and it ends with him saying 'let me in'

im not sure how many of these audios there are, but im sure they all amount to one giant message and i just need to find all the pieces and put them in the right order

well thats it for the new stuff in the old stuff, onto new-new stuff

i last explored The Playfellow Exhibition and the distorted version of it, so now its time to go through the guestbook!

aww thats cute

OH ANOTHER ONE

ok, this one is Wally talking about how we've looked into his eyes so many times and that we're looking at him now

tbh lowkey i was expecting his eyes to just appear out of nowhere when he said that, like in that one askew letters link

now onto the actual guestbook

currently just going through all the doodles on it since if u open the image they have titles in the tab

bug spotted !!

so it leads us to video number 7, and its Julie and Eddie playing pretend business! like that one drawing

also breen berry strikes again

Barnaby calls and asks for Wally

also the little drawing is just so cute

i love these bug videos even tho they have some ominous implications

its just all the neighbors being silly together its so cute dude !!

anyways continuing the search on the guestbook

i am forever gonna laugh at Wally giving a drawing of Barnaby bc a guest said they love clowns and Frank said Barnaby was a clown

oh bug spotted

this is cute too !! Sally buying stuff at Howdy's !! also ?? wdym one large sponge Howdy?? WOODCHIPS N SAWDUST ???

and at the end when Wally pushes the box further im just imagining he's just been standing there the whole time with his groceries and im laughing

thats video number 3, so now im just missing 13

well i think thats it for the guestbook i mean there are new doodles and messages on page 8, but nothing all too interesting

and that is, in fact, everything new i think? i am still missing bug video number 13 but if push comes to shove i'll just search up where to find it haha

or maybe even guess the link code since they all follow the same format

i guess time to go back and see if i have missed anything

oh i did miss something

yay video 13 !!

silly Eddie u need to chill out (flashbacks to Frank telling him that he always did work too hard)

and thats all the bug videos yay !!!!

ok so i guessed the order but then i went and searched up all audio locations in Welcome Home just to make sure that i got everything and the article i found put it in order too lol

'I Will Help You understand' 'I will find a way soon Neighbor' sooo very fascinating

and yep i played it in order and it soubds like it could be one giant message

the last one, 'Neighbor', is in morse code tho but idk if i want to try and decode it myself or just search up the answer lol

ok i have no idea how to translate the audio into the dots and dashes so i will just look up the answer

so i have not found any answers LOL maybe i'll try my hand at translating it myself again some other time

well!!! this is the end !! i have seen and gone through literally everything !! (well i hope i have because i will lose my mind if i missed anything else)

its the end of this series !! for now at least

will definitely come back when there's a new update, but maybe i'll post something about all my theories in the future

alright then !! byebye !! now that ive finished the Welcome Home update, i will be moving on to arcadekitten's games! tune in next time for my playthrough of It's Not Me, It's My Basement (when will it be posted?? i have no idea !!) farewell, neighbors!

[jovnie]

The devil's desire | Yoongi

Summary;

You fell in love with a man of many pasts, however he desired more than a relationship. He wanted your soul for eternity.

Words: 13k

Devil yoongi! Demon au! Human reader

Very Dark themes

Warnings: religious concepts, gore, porn without plot, death, big dick yoongi, clubbing, kidnapping, non-con touching, blood, cnc, prey ( y/n ), stalker yoongi, drugged, drugs, chains, cutting, rough sex,

"She's almost ready sir!" a winged creature announced. Nodding in his throne, he took the mirror and looked through it. There you were getting ready to meet a mysterious guy at a club or well hoping to once again. He smirked devilishly knowing you remembered to come back to this particular club.

He previously brought you to this nightclub in Korea, hidden through an alleyway in the darkest part of Busan. There was danger and a constant fear of being robbed, kidnapped. Even if Korea was a safe place, things like kidnapping and murder still happen and even more so at night.

He remembered that you kept a knife and a taser with you, he liked the vulnerability you had going to a place not meant for angels let alone humans at night. He found it charming how oblivious you are to your surroundings as well. He was a man of darkness and hell for sure, but one thing was for sure. He only craved humans who were pure and light energetically. 'Suppose you did know that the Club was own by the devil himself, would that really stop you' he thought.

He watched her put on clothes and noticed how delicate she was in his eyes. No, this wasn't the first time he'd watch her. Not the last either, it seemed like a generational curse in his eyes. He wasn't mad he placed it on the females to feel tempted by his actions, however, each one passed the test. you however failed it the first two times, making it the third time.

Sighing, he put the mirror down and stood up. Stretching, he allowed his black feather wings to elongate and move around before putting them away. Looking at his watch it was a quarter past 11 pm, he'd knew you want to be early and try and catch a good table. However the little worry of what if someone wanted to take you before him, hurt you before him. The thoughts riled him up, making him grab his keys and wait by the portal. Besides the gate doesn't open until 11:59, so his intrusiveness can calm for now.

While waiting, he took out the cute little human hand mirror you'd gifted him a while back. He looked at himself and the scar over his left eye, "maybe this is what attracts them" he chuckled softly.

As time fastened, he waited for the lock in the air to appear. He waited long and hard for that little red lock and once it appeared, he opened all the portals from his underworld to the human world and the other one which lead stright to his club.

Formally known as 666 plaza to hadians, the chosen humans only knew it as void 218. To you it was just another club on the holy day of Sunday. Although you were never brought up with Christianity, you had the basics that everyone knew, loved, and hated.

Waiting by the gates or humanly known as "doors" you pulled out your phone to realize there was no battery or charge. Confused as you could've sworn it was full when you left, you herd the doors open and the mini line began moving. Your eyes wandered the room to find the stairs that led to the upper level where you would meet and see Yoongi. You knew it was stupid to keep doing this, but with yours and his schedule it wasn't at all.

Passing by the few people, you found upstairs and walked up seeing there were already people inside which confused you, but you paid little attention to it. Waiting by the usual black velvet seats and area, you head a familiar voice.

"Is this your regular peach vodka with light ice?" yoongi asked loudly over the now loud music playing. Nodding, you sat up and greeted him before getting your drink. Little did u know about his plans with you or what tonight was gonna be.

Smiling softly, yoongi was gentle eyes admired your beauty as he get down with his own drink. He took a sip of his own drink that was laced with a sleeping drug, one that'd do nothing to him and more to you.

"So what are you doing here?" He asked knowingly.

"Well, it's a Sunday and I have nothing planned so I thought I come by" you lied, hoping the white lie would slip. Nodding, yoongi put his hand on your thighs and moved closer to talk to you about life and each other week. You mentioned something about the campus or school you were studying and he lied about his "forensics" job and how hard it was to see how people died. Continuing, he bought the two of you more drinks and when the timing was right offered one of his. Thanking him for the kind jester, you took a sip. He smiled and also took a sip after you, then placed it back down.

"Good isn't it?" he said, reaching over to his phone and at the time. Noticing he did so you hummed and snuck another sip. Then another. Whatever was in had you almost drinking his entire cup down.

"Omg what is this, what's making it so good. I can't put my finger on it" she said as her words slowed down and her eyes blinked slowly. He watched her body start to feel tired, then at the right moment whispered in her ear "apple, cherry, lime, it's a light alchcolic drink and right, drugs."

Soon as her eyes closed and body dropped, he mustered enough strength to pick her up and sling you over his shoulder. "Another one taken by the devils favorite drink, poison apple," he whispered knowing nobody cared to stop him not could. Well not if they wanted hells punishment if not worse death, even if they were immortal. Walking up the last set of stairs he opened the portal and handed the keys to his servant and told him to look after.

Noting the girl, the servant nodded and knew the king was gonna take his time and would be in a long "meeting." Taking charge of the place, yoongi walked up to his Castle surrounded by blue flames in the middle of nowhere and walked in. He demanded for total privacy, meaning nobody in or even near the castle or be banished for eternity and with that everyone wondered what that soul did to get his undivided attention. From there gossip spread about you from one to another creature and it traveled fast.

Meanwhile, he laid you on the bed and looked at his watch. The drug last about 30 minutes and about 20minuets have gone. From there he requested one trusted worker with a list. The list was :

The devils list

Body Chains and rope

Salt and a black cross

2 Robes

Wipes

Black paint

Sheep's blood

Lube any flavor

Nodding the worker flew off and yoongi allowed his wings to expand out his back and eyes to turn a dark blue color as his hair contained white strips. He watched your sleeping body, before checking the time and seeing he has 5 minutes left before you wake up. Taking that in he stretched his neck and before activating his speed and undressing you, cleaning the area around the bed, making sure the chain locks are stable and if not changing them, turning off lights and lighting candals all around the room and the whole castle and finally sitting down at the edge. Checking the time once again, he had 3 minutes left and so did the worker before he'd get pissed and with that thought the worker came to drop everything off before yoongi told him to get lost.

With the activation of speed he quickly undressed, sat the cup near the bed and filled it with sheeps blood, put salt near the edge without touching it as it stung him, put the cross around his neck and began drawing a ritual circle around the bed then finnaly the walls. To end everything he placed the chains on your hands and feet then connected to each end of the bed. The rest of the stuff he just put next to the bed and laid naked above you waiting for you to wake up.

He knew the drug was strong, but he didnt think it was that strong so he checked the time again and 10 minutes had passed by. Sighing, he began taking the knife and cut a slit on his wrist and placed the wound to your mouth. After a few blinks, you began to wake up and within a second you panked and a minute later realised you were chained.

Weak, scared, targeted, blood covered lips, chained and his favorite vulnerability he finally felt aroused at the sight. With lust in his eyes and an aura darker than night himself, he slowly kissed your cheek.

"Welcome to hell baby" he greeted, confused you closed your eyes and for once prayed you'd be able to wake up in where you left to only get the image of him drugging you and making you pass out. To then opne them and see the same sight.

"Wouldn't that make you?" She paused trying to yank the chains.

"Hades, satan the devil or whatever you humans call me for ruling the underworld. Then yes that's me and as you see, you're caged like a bug trapped in a spider's web. How cute. How naive to trust anyone you've properly met either. " he whispered the last bit in your ear as his lips traveled around your chest and neck leaving hickeys as he moved.

Groaning, you tried yanking the chains hearing a noise and hoping it ment it broke to realise no he fooled you with the sound of his nails knocking on the wood.

"Got you" he chuckled as you began scared, moving his lips towards your breast he sucked softly getting slight moans from your mouth. "Mm good girl continue with it an d maybe I'll spare your soul" he joked, sucking and groaning your other breast with his hands. Ignoring him and forcing your mouth to close. He raised an eyebrow and sat up, he then looked at your mouth and then his length.

"That wasn't smart now was it dsrling?" He asked, as his crouch hovered your mouth and his length being rubbed on your face as the other hand rested on the wall. "Noe open wide and if not, I can allways just shove it. Dont think about biting as i can manually remove teeth of needed" he mentioned as tears rolled down your eyes as he slowly entered his length.

"Good girl, suck it like that" he groaned, slowly moving his hips all the way in and out. With doing so he admired the trlaclesnt salty wetness driping from her eyes that he took a finger and wiped it. Caressing her face as he continued thrusting and groaning till he felt hard enough and then pulled out. Wiping her eyes again he grabbed the lube and posed the non negotiable question of

"May I pretty angel, take this as mine?" He whispered softly as he leaned down to her ear. Nodding yes a tear ran and he licked it clean, causing a slight shiver down her body. "Good" he replied, putting lube around his own length and stoking it on.

"If you cum on me will I get pregnant?" You asked shyly.

"Mm, well yes and that's my goal princes or should I say queen. Your body is mine after all." he tells, taking his fingers and tracing a cross between your chest as he watches a dark mark appear in a mini cross between your chest.

Crying harder knowing you've not only been kidnapping, but there was an even little chnace of seeing your family friends and well your little pet. "I love when you cry my love" he said softly as his fingers softly rubbed against you clit and his lips attach to yours. Knowingly you kissed back and surprisingly it felt like comfort but tasted like sin and poison. One your body will soon adapt to. As your mouths moved in unison, his fingers rubbed softly around your bud and you were finally able to relax and enjoy the feeling. He had an undeniable hold on your body, one your soul started to grow a liking too the longer her rubbed and kissed your lips. Soon you became hungry for more and grinded against his hand and with the hint he rubbed quicker as you moaned down his throat and his free hand now snaking behind your back. Moaning more you called his name, in which he loved begging you to say again.

"YOONGi!"you moaned louder as his stomach and cock felt it making it twitch slightly. stoping his finger he guided his tip and put his chin on your neck and slid in slowly, taking his time as you adjusted before moving faster. You pulled the chains trying to hold onto him but he shook his head no and softly held your body up with the help of the chains and began pounding into you.

No it was not a speed nor length you were used to, but the feeling you could by a heartbeat. You legs became weak, your back arched hard, your mouth could only stay open and your head was in a daze as he fucked you without mercy. His length was big enough to make you scream from the top of your lungs and beg for more. He loved that and too started moaning which soon started to sound like deep breathes and heavy grunts. He loved the warm, pulsing feeling of your pussy on him as it dripped with cum around him.

"Ah, fuck, That's hot!" he moaned loudly. Moving his hips closer, he pushed his length in deeper and the sounds of his hips crashing into yours echoed the room. You were now at a point of no return, all you could do was moan and take him, which only increased his horniness and overall arousal.

"I'm close!" yoongi groaned and panted as his hips movements slowed down, but the deepness was still there. Shopping, yoongi's body out of tiredness fell on top of yours and he kissed your neck softly. Without enough energy to pull out, he came deep, groaning in your neck and laying still. Both overly fucked out and deep breathing, laid there until yoongi got enough energy to unchain your hands and drink from the cup of blood that started to reek and fill the room. The room that once smelt like lavender and vanilla now smelled like sex and sheep's blood. Leaning down to kiss you, you kissed back with your body begging to ache like hell and body starting to contort you screamed in pain. Whispering something into your neck, he held you close to his chest as you grabbed and scratched his back till the blood came from it.

"Submit and it'll go quickly." he whispered tired as can be. Taking his advice, you closed your body and let it take over. Suddenly your eyes and hair became white as a dove and the pain stopped. Not only did he claim you as his, the kiss of blood crowned you queen of the underworld.

They laid naked as each could no longer have the strength to get up, but hold each other in a soft hug. Comferting and relaxing, considering what had to happen. They slept wedded that night, perfectly times as the full moon was now full and the ritual circle could light up red as the two came into harmony.

[threecrowsinatrenchcoat]

For One More Hour or One More Day

Dukeceit Week Day 6: Horror/Comedy

Remus and Janus work in IT, and Remus never fails to make Janus' life a bit more exciting than it should be. Janus wouldn't have it any other way.

AO3 Link: [here]

Word Count: 1416

Warnings: swearing, typical Remus-levels of implied sexual content. 

@dukeceitweek <3

-

[06032021 Network Node Down- 172.12.203.1 - Dee Why ]

Janus stared at the next ticket in his queue. He didn't even have to look at which tech wrote it. He just knew. He picked up his phone and dialed. 

“'Sup, DeeDee?" 

"Because they use ancient technology and refuse to upgrade, that's why." 

There was a beat of silence on the line. Janus didn't need to see him to know Remus was grinning like a maniac. 

“Oh, JD, I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," Remus said finally. His voice was laced with barely-contained glee. 

“Uh-huh, sure," Janus replied dryly. He watched on his screen as an incoming call diverted from his in-use line. "Do you want to clarify for me, in excruciating detail, what, exactly, it is that broke this time? After all, if it's something I can fix from here, it would save the company an awful lot of money. And you know how I love saving this company money." 

“You don't feel like taking work calls either, huh?" 

“Ree, I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about."

-

[06142021 CRITICAL | Device failed Availability and Latency checks - Dispatch Requested]

Janus sat in his truck for a few minutes, cross-checking the address across his e-mail, Slack, and the ticket itself. And yeah, they all matched. This wasn’t a repeat of that time Remus had changed the address on the ticket from 96th St. to 69th St. as a joke. 

(Janus had almost gotten mugged. He was still a little salty about that one.)

But this time, all the addresses matched. The problem was, he was parked in front of a restaurant instead of the usual office building, and that just didn’t seem right. He opened up Slack on his phone. 

Janus D’lyre: Are you sure the address is right?

Remus Rey: Yeah, it’s right.

Janus D’lyre: It’s a restaurant. 

Remus Rey:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Janus D’lyre: Are you positive it’s right?

Remus Rey: I just write the tickets, Dee, I don’t do a background check. Just go in.

Janus sighed. He got out of his truck, hefted his tech bag over his shoulder, and went inside.

It was a nice restaurant. Very fancy, with a goddamn chandelier hanging over the front lobby. Field engineers weren’t required to dress in a suit and tie, but Janus did by habit- and he was glad he did, because he would feel like a horrible slob standing here in jeans and a polo.

“Can I help you?”

Janus looked over to the host, standing at the counter with a bright smile that only looked 52% faked.

“Yes,” Janus answered. “I’m here about the network issues?”

“Oh!” The host- his name tag read ‘Patton’- brightened up a bit. “Yeah! Remus is waiting for you, this way!”

“Remus is what?”

It was too late. Patton had already darted around the counter and off into the dining area. Janus sighed and, regretting every life choice leading up to this exact moment, followed.

Sure enough, Remus was waiting for him. Patton led him to a quieter area of the restaurant, where Remus was sitting at a table. Well, sitting was a generous way to phrase it, because in reality, he was tipped back on the rear two legs of the chair, combat boot-clad feet up on the table. He jumped up eagerly at the sight of Janus, and somehow managed not to fall backwards and crack his skull open. 

“Hey! You made it! Thanks, Pat!” 

“No problemo!” the host replied with a grin before heading back to the front counter. Janus briefly considered that he might be having a fever dream right now.

“Remus, what the fuck?” 

“Told you it was the right address!”

Janus glared. “That is not what I’m ‘what the fuck’-ing you about.”

“I mean, I’d prefer me fucking you-”

“Remus.”

“Well, you work so hard, DeeDee,” Remus said calmly, as if he wasn’t standing in the middle of the fanciest restaurant on this side of town, dressed in his usual tank-top and leather vest combo and probably mashing dirt into the plush red carpet, and definitely doing something that should get him fired. “I thought you could take a break, and we could have a nice dinner.”

No, he wasn’t doing something that should get him fired. He was doing something that should get them both fired. 

“You’re joking, right?”

“Kinda a lame joke.”

“Remus, you had me dispatched to a random address for a fake problem, to have dinner with you on company time?”

“‘Course not, who do you think I am?”

Janus did not dignify that with an answer. He turned to walk away.

“Jannie, wait!” Remus darted around the table to get in front of him. Janus stopped, and glared. “This is Roman’s restaurant! It’s not a random address, he’s an actual client.”

Janus’ glare lessened. Ok, sure, they did have some smaller commercial clients. And sure, Remus had mentioned his brother’s restaurant was using them as tech support now after a bad experience with a different company. But- “It’s still a fake problem, Remus.”

A shit-eating grin spread across Remus’ face. “Nah. I unplugged the router.”

Janus snorted in a totally dignified manner. “You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“...Well, I suppose… I’d better investigate the issue. Couldn’t be solved remotely, hardware problem and all.”

Remus held out a hand. Janus took it, and let Remus lead him back to the table.

“Great, cause I already ordered!”

-

[06192021 Switch is problematic. Unable to get into the switch || Serial No. 111-0203-2018]

Janus very calmly cleared the ticket, set his work phone to away, pulled out his personal phone, and sent Remus a text. 

Jannie-D: I know you’re upset I didn’t let you fuck me last night. Get over it. 

Remster: i will not 

- 

Virgil Caligo: yo are u and remus like good?

Janus D’lyre: We had a small argument last night. Why?

Virgil Caligo: [image attached]

Janus sighed. Virgil had sent him a screenshot of a ticket update Remus had just posted.

[06292021 Ticket #00679 Update.] ‘The device is not only unresponsive to simple ping requests, but is being kind of a jerk about it. 100% package loss, a tragedy. Device was confirmed to be connected to a working power source, but they all say that, so who can really be sure. Dispatch requested, please confirm maintenance window. Actually showing up would be great, too.’

Janus hastily typed a message to Virgil. 

Janus D’lyre: Did you take that one?

Virgil Caligo: ya. logan didnt see dw

Janus D’lyre: Thanks. You can transfer it to me, I’ll take care of it. 

Janus leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples. What a comedy of errors this day had been. It was the last time he’d forget he and Remus had a date night planned, that’s for sure. 

- 

Remus sighed when a priority ticket popped up in his queue. He was having a grand time ignoring his other queues in favor of sculpting a rather elaborate dick out of the green Play-Doh he kept at his desk, but he really did not feel like getting bitched out by Logan for missing a priority ticket. Grumbling to himself, he stuffed the Play-Doh back into its tub and opened the ticket. 

[06292021 Ticket #00679 Update.] ‘Likely a hardware bug. Possible remote fix with reset and reconfigure. Device information missing from online records. Please check file and update record.’ 

Fuck. Remus hated pulling files. What a pain. He trudged his way upstairs to the records room, which was always dark and depressing because nobody ever went there because who the fuck used physical paper in 2021?

But when he unlocked the door and pushed it open, the light was on. And every surface was covered in flowers.

“What the fuck?” Remus asked the flowers. They didn’t answer. But, at the small desk near the door, there was a stack of green boxes from his favorite bakery- and on top of that, he saw an envelope with his name on it. Eagerly, Remus tore open the envelope. 

Inside, he found a single sheet of Janus’ fancy stationery paper, the kind with the little holographic snakes along the edge that he only ever used for special occasions. And on that paper, one single sentence, penned in Janus’ elegant, flourishy handwriting: Ok, you can fuck me tonight.

- - -

[06292021 Ticket #00679 Update.] ‘I take it back, the device is no longer being a jerk, and I love the device very much.’ 

[toriwakes]

Pretty Boy 187 [s.r x reader]

summary: reader finds out that her new found tumblr crush is none other than her coworker.

content warnings: she/her!reader, mentions of alcohol

a/n: hi!! i’m so happy to be posting again. i’m really proud of this, so i hope you all like it! as always, let me know if you have any requests!

convincing spencer to get tumblr was tough. not only did he hate technology, he didn’t like social media either.

“it’s gonna be fun! c’mon, please?” you’ve been bugging him about it for about a week. “spencer, please just download it. if i have to hear (y/n) whine again i’m gonna loose it.” said derek, plopping is papers on his desk. “you like it when i whine.” you teased, causing derek to flash you a toothy grin. “alright! jeez.” you clapped of joy and jumped to help spencer, but he stopped you. “no way, i’m not letting you follow me.” he kept his phone facing away from you, your arms dropping to your sides in defeat. “fine. i’ll find your account somehow.” “we’ll see about that.”

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

over the next few weeks you acquired a few new followers, only one catching your eye. ‘prettyboy187’ followed you on a quiet friday afternoon. the username caught your attention at first, but when you checked is profile? that’s when you were hooked. half of his pictures were just aesthetically pleasing: outside of his window, his extreme sugary coffee, some books. but others...

it was an excerpt of a poem and his hand was holding back the pages. you doubt he meant to capture it so beautifully. just his hand was godly. you wasted no time dming him.

hey :)

how desperate did you look right now? he followed you barley an hour ago. you cant stop staring at that picture.

hello

he didn’t sound happy. well, he didn’t “sound” anything, you guys were texting. but you could feel his tone through the screen. where you overthinking this too much? you shuffled into your bed, wrapping yourself in the covers as you pondered what to say next.

i just wanted to tell you i really like your account. are you a photographer or something?

no, i’m not. my friend convinced me to get this app and i noticed people post aesthetically pleasing photos on here, so i’m just doing the same haha.

ok, well you don’t post nice pictures. at least, not that type. maybe you’d post a picture of the snow or your bed, but every now and then you’d bless the feed with a picture of you in a swimsuit. it was more for opinions on the suit than anything else.

ohh. maybe i should start doing that.

how do you mean?

oh.

that sounded like a very judge-y ‘oh’. your eyes scanned your own profile to see what he could’ve hated. there was you in your favorite red swimsuit, a picture of your computer with netflix on the screen. the rest of the posts were of the same type, so you couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was.

what is it?

no, nothing. your recent picture. that’s a nice swim suit.

oh. that’s what he meant. you practically threw your phone across the room and squealed. thank the universe that he didn’t dislike you already. you shot him another text. just like that, you had your first ever tumblr crush.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

“what’s up with you pretty girl?” derek asked when you walked into work. you supposed you still had the blush on your face when pretty boy wished you a good morning and day at work. “nothing!” you said, obviously it being something. as if on cue, spencer walked in behind you also giddy. “what, you’re both sweet on someone now?” when neither of you responded, derek laughed. “what?” emily inquired, taking her seat. “spencer and (y/n) both have a crush.” emily’s jaw dropped. “spencer has a crush?” everyone broke into laughter, jj overhearing and almost dropping her files. “why is that so surprising?” spencer defended himself, derek giving him a ‘you know the answer to that’ look. “well?what’re their names?” he pushed. you bit your tongue. you didn’t even know his name. yikes. “let’s start.” aaron called. saved by hotch. thank goodness. “this ain’t over.” derek warned the two of you. yes it was. by the end of the day morgan would’ve forgotten all about this.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

you were right like always. morgan didn’t ask anymore about it, instead offering to get drinks. you turned it down, desperate to get home and text your boy. and you did, only at 11pm.

hey, sorry it’s so late. had a long day at work.

no worries, so did i. listen, i have a question.

this boy only sent messages that would make your heart drop. with a pacing heart, you texted back.

yes?

his ‘online’ button flashes on. then he was typing. then he was deleting. it seemed like hours before he responded.

what’s your name?

godamnit. you didnt have a display name because you didn’t want anyone you knew finding your account. what’s a fake name you can use? maybe...

lila.

why did you pick spencer’s ex’s name? you don’t know. you remember being insanely jealous of her because she got to kiss spencer in the pool while you were posted outside. your crush on spencer was still very much alive, but not as much as it was with pretty boy.

that’s a pretty name.

thanks. now you have to tell me yours ;)

you’ve never been so nervous for a text conversation in your life. for some reason, the back of your head wondered what it would be like if you were texting spencer. it was just a thought, though. spencer would never say half of this stuff.

call me morgan.

oh NO. please no... you stalked his profile again, terrified that you’ve been flirting with your coworker this past month. alas, your eye caught another body picture- this time of his arm. no tattoos like derek. not to mention he was much smaller. not that that’s a bad thing. you don’t think you’d ever be able to handle derek...

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

you arrived at work yet again with a blushing face. “come on, you can’t keep hiding this from me! tell me something at least!” derek whined. “okay! his name is morgan. and i know what you’re thinking, and no, it’s not you, my boy is much more attractive.” derek’s mouth formed into an ‘O’ shape in fake offense. “that’s damn near impossible. ain’t nobody prettier than derek morgan.” spencer walked in now, again with a dorky smile on his face. “spencer. (y/n)’s got a crush on-“ you jumped to cover his mouth, the sound of your crush’s name muffled. “what- hey! no fair! derek gets to know but i cant?” spencer whined. derek held his hands up and sat back down, not wanting to get you mad. smart. “three can’t keep a secret.” was all you said before sitting down to clean your workspace.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

the new highlight of your day was texting morgan. you learned several things about him; he has a job he can’t specify for personal reasons, he really wants a dog but he feels like animals hate him. you told him about your cat joel, and how they could absolutely love him. he appreciated that.

if i tell you something, do you promise not to freak out?

depends. are you about to tell me you’re a serial killer?

no!

you giggled to yourself at your humor.

i wanna meet you.

you promised not to freak out, but you were freaking out. it was just now setting in that you didn’t know this man at all. where he lived, how old he was, even what he looked like. you took a few deep breaths and asked a question.

where do you live?

quantico virginia.

no hesitation on that one. he lived in the same town as you? you didn’t know how you’d be able to turn this down...

shit, me too. let’s meet up then.

i’ll send you a good place to get drinks.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

“every time you walk in here, you’re blushing. now so are your ears.” you beamed at derek, sitting at your desk before spilling. “i’m gonna meet him.” “wait what? are you sure that’s safe?” you rolled your eyes. “i’m an fbi agent. i’m not scared of a little danger.” you playfully winked and derek blew out a huff of air. “if anything happens, you know you can call me.” you pouted at your friend and nodded, appreciating his concern. spencer was spinning in his seat. “you happy too?” you asked. he only nodded and didn’t elaborate. you we’re going to press on, but hotch called you all in and you lost your chance.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

on rare occasions, the bau got tough cases with very happy endings. this was one of those cases. the plane ride home was extremely joyous and derek offered to get drinks again. this time, everyone accepted (all except hotch). you texted morgan telling him you were going out tonight and you wouldn’t be back till late. you laughed to yourself. it was like he was your boyfriend.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

the night was young and you were fairly tipsy. ok that’s generous, you were drunk. you were spending most of your time with penelope and it took you a minute to remember spencer. “ohmygosh! spence!” he was startled at your presence but he gave you that flat mouthed smile of his. “how are you! you’re my favorite scorpio.” you nodded as you said it, as if trying to convince him it was true. “thanks? i’m good. you’re drunk.” he pointed out. “no shit. hey!!! you never showed me your tumblr user! you gotta show me that girl you like, bet you she’s really sexy.” you didn’t even know what you were saying at this point, whipping out your phone and snapping a picture with spencer. “what are you doing?” he asked, watching you type. “posting this on tumblr! i want everyone to know you’re my favorite in the world.” he wanted to ask favorite what, but a ping on his phone distracted him. lila posted. he smiled and checked her page.

holy fuck.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥

“(y/n)?” he asked, not looking away from his phone. “yess?” you responded. “what’s your tumblr?” what is your tumblr? “uhhh..i don’t know, check.” you tossed him your open phone, and his eyes only grew wider. “you’re lila?” the words rang through your ears like a siren. “what?” the word was breathy, you couldn’t add stability to what you said. spencer showed you his phone, ‘prettyboy187’ on the screen. “you’re morgan?” still no confidence in your voice whatsoever. your feelings were supposed to change, you weren’t supposed to like that morgan was spencer. but they didn’t. you didn’t even think about the fact he saw your swimsuit photos. you loved that morgan was spencer, and you still wanted to see him on the weekend. “are you mad?” you asked, not being able to stop yourself from sipping from your glass. “no. should i be?” you smiled. “no. do you still wanna meet up this weekend?” “yes. but i don’t wanna get drinks.” he wasn’t even drinking, why is he complaining. “where should we go then?” “my house.”

[nct-lian]

nct 127’s relation to lian

TAEIL + LIAN: IL-LI

taeil used to wake her up for school when she was still a teenager :((

such a soft but overlooked duo

will appreciate each other forever and ever

lian teaches him roasts in english that he can say to johnny

remain each other’s hype man and woman

taeil was the first to suggest he and the other nct members react to the trailers of her dramas on video so they can boost them in popularity

promotes the HELL out of lian’s solo career over twitter

lian loves coming up behind him and just giving him hugs because he’s soft (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞

they watch movies together a lot! but taeil has to come down to the fifth floor because lian hates it up on the tenth one

he was once able to grab her hand in an airport and they held hands the entire time :(( a few pictures went a little viral

they share hoodies NSHDHSHCJA

lian keeps bugging him to get an instagram

taeil will ALWAYS take her side in silly arguments she and the other members have sometimes

he makes fun of her height because she’s shorter than him-

he also used to help her with her homework :(

cried when lian went on her first date

“my child is growing up (´∩｀。)”

had to do a background check on the guy before he even allowed him to come in contact with her again, though

JOHNNY + LIAN: JOANN

johnny is her dad, period

no questions asked he is her father

will give her piggyback rides all the time

he was once woken up by her jumping on his bed and asking if they could go shopping

at 6:00 am

he actually got up, got ready and took her shopping but since it was so early, the stores were all closed

he took her out for japanese fluffy pancakes, though!

whenever lian is sick, johnny makes her his mom’s homemade chicken noodle soup recipe :((

speaking of johnny’s mom, she loves lian to death and always asks johnny if he’s taking good care of her

if they’re not being asked any questions or having to translate anything during interviews, they always whisper jokes in each other’s ears to try and make the other one laugh

because of how lian dies during the trailer of her new drama, johnny cried in front of twenty-two other men while they reacted to it

he was NOT embarrassed

“how are you guys not crying? this is so sad. what a cruel world we live in ໒( ˵ •̀ □ •́ ˵ )७”

kept screaming at lian’s “dream of you” performance video

“WHY ARE YOU ON THE GROUND DANCING LIKE THAT?!” “JISUNG COVER YOUR EYES-“

he once effortlessly picked up lian and moved her somewhere else because she wasn’t standing where she was supposed to be

everyone says that their ship name is something a white, suburban mom would be named. now nctzens pronounce joann like “joanne” ･x･

it was said on the zach sang show that johnny used to measure her height every month to see if she grows or not, and that’s the only reason why he has her height memorized

TAEYONG + LIAN: LIYONG

has lost lian in so many airports it’s not even funny

“hyung, what happened to lian?” “oh, you have GOT to be kidding me-“

whenever he doesn’t see her he goes into panic mode and starts asking if anyone has seen his little sister

“about this tall with really shiny hair? her cheekbones are insane, i swear. OH OH OH SHE WAS WEARING JOHNNY’S HOODIE- you don’t know what johnny’s hoodie looks like.. okay, well thank you for your help.”

one of the first members that she was comfortable with

lian said that he was her role model :’(

as the leader, he’s always taking care of her and will not sleep until he knows for sure she’s eaten

because of how lian never participated in any of nct’s first bit of promotions due to being too uncomfortable around them, she was allowed to skip out on the viewings of their relay video letters

but she was still required to make one for somebody and that somebody was taeyong ˵ ຈ ︿ ຈ ˵

she said that she was glad he was her leader and that she hoped to become closer one day

he cried

declares that he will take care of lian till the day he dies

taeyong had yelled at lian’s former manager until he voluntarily quit working for her- he had found out that lian was being overworked to the point where she collapsed during their dance practice and he wasn’t okay with it

always cheering her on backstage when she performs solo

he always tries to include her in guiding the members for their dances because he knows how happy it makes her

instead of having her carry her glasses around with her, he does it instead :D

“nana, do you have to wear your glasses now?”

taeyong tucks her into bed every night he can ᕕ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)ᕗ

YUTA + LIAN: YUN

totally doesn’t have feeling for her, yeah

yuta is obsessed and when i tell you he’s obsessed, he’s obsessed

did i mention obsessed?

he’s jealous of everyone :(

yun stans insist that the only reason yuta is so touchy with winwin and mark is because he’s trying to cover up his feelings for lian

bye if that’s true-

hyuck wanted to give her a hug (a rare occurrence) and yuta straight up just said,

“mine. go away”

i have proof guys :// johnny recorded it and literally posted it on instagram

lian died internally when yuta cut his long hair because she couldn’t put it into ponytails anymore :((

but his hair is growing back now so she’s able to do it again :)

yuta teaches her japanese every tuesday and thursday!

we don’t bring this up because it’s pretty embarrassing but,, when nct 127 were backstage before performing kick it, yuta asked doyoung (who was in a direction where he could get a clear view of lian’s face) if lian was staring at him

how do we know this, you may ask?

it was caught on camera and everyone made fun of him for a solid week straight

he’s caught staring at her from afar way too often for comfort

lian says that he’s very pretty

much like the other memebers that have instagram, he makes story countdowns that he posts about a week before lian plans to release her solo music

DOYOUNG + LIAN: LIDO

another member of the lian protection squad

doyoung was the first to start calling her cupcake

it all started when doyoung was sick and lian made him cupcakes to make him feel better

will slap anyone who makes a flirty remark towards lian

was embarrassed for yuta when he asked if she was staring at him

said “no” and walked away

lian is the only one who ever shows him any mercy :’)

they have very similar taste in decor so they often go shopping together for things to put around the dorm

doyoung said that he spends the most time in lian’s room because it smells like vanilla all the time

he spoils her SO MUCH

like so much

half the plushies she owns at the moment were gifts from doyoung

has a tendency to watch over her and make sure she’s content at all times

“cupcake, are you hungry? i can make you some food if you’d like” “oppa, it’s 3:00am-“ “and?”

they take such pretty instagram pictures :((

at one point in time, doyoung was jealous of his older brother because lian used to crush on him a tiny bit :0

not because doyoung likes her or anything, she just couldn’t stop talking about how nice he looked in revolutionary love

disapproves of the staff giving lian such short clothing sometimes

“um, excuse me, she can’t wear that. are you crazy? go get her a new outfit, please”

JAEHYUN + LIAN: JAELI

not many people bring this up because we know it’s honestly a sensitive topic :|

but he lowkey has deep feelings for her (he makes it so obvious sometimes it’s kinda disappointing to see how oblivious lian really is to it)

jaeli + yun love triangle anyways

jokes aside, though, jaehyun loves lian so so much

once cried to johnny about how he doesn’t know what to do and that he didn’t want to make anything awkward by confessing to her

makes sure to be near her as often as possible

once scared away a whole kim taehyung from talking to her during isac ╰[ ⁰﹏⁰ ]╯ (let’s pretend bts were there for 2019 pls)

“jungkook, keep your friend away, please :D”

didn’t work, though, because they ended up having a conversation later in the day either way

*in the 97’ liner groupchat* “HYUNG IM SORRY HE RAN AWAY I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DOl

it was uncalled for but what can you do amirite ┐(´～｀)┌

lian pokes his dimples a lot and squishes his cheeks

just randomly hugs him but he’s not complaining

johnny isn’t picking sides but he became team jaeli after jaehyun broke into tears in front of him for the first time since they were trainees about how much he loves lian

sad,, i know

lian judges jaehyun for not sleeping with sheets

continues to believe he is not a human being, but a robot created in a lab

jaehyun smiles at her for no reason

JUNGWOO + LIAN: LIWOO

an instant bond formed between them when they first met!

jungwoo learned a lot about her and has developed so many ways to deal with her anxiety :(

gave the staff a guide on how to keep her calm when he went on hiatus because he couldn’t be there with her

buys her colouring books because he knows that they calm her down well!

liwoo went viral and become a popular ship when lian accidentally changed the nct 127 instagram profile picture to a jungwoo icon

she got scolded but it was iconic orange haired jungwoo with a chain-

an untouchable duo when they do double aegyo

nctzens think jungwoo is her favourite member

maybe because lian said he was

“ “who’s your favourite member?” hmm i’ll have to say woo-oppa!”

*cue jungwoo laughing at yuta’s face because he was that shocked*

they share secrets with each other so now they probably know the other like the palm of their hand

even though he’s off his hiatus, he still has to guide the staff members through lian’s little moments because sm staff suck at their job sometimes

they’re the two members who go grocery shopping together

more like jungwoo dragging lian to the grocery store with him but okay

jungwoo loves kissing her cheeks (〃▽〃)

their vocals mixed together are confirmed to be noises from heaven

lian misses his blonde bowl cut :/

MARK + LIAN: LIMARK

leader of lian’s natural length hair committee

like when i tell you mark hates her extensions-

mark was the first friend lian was able to make in nct!

they bonded over canada and it was very rare to see them speaking in korean

mark goes into straight panic when he’s with her sometimes

has to remind himself they’re like siblings

lian ans mark covered “your eyes” by hoody and jay park during a vlive!

it was adorable :((

lian had him saved in her phone as “android user” but now she doesn’t know what to change it to

they had a fight in 2019

mark let’s her call him the weirdest freaking nicknames ヽ ( ꒪д꒪ )ﾉ

mars bar, markie, mork, marko

AND IN RETURN HE CALLS HER MARIJUANA-

he says it’s because czennies consider her to be addicting and since marijuana is addicting as well he thought it’d be a good fit

someone on twitter absolutely ENDED HIM though and wouldn’t stop making fun of him (；⌣̀_⌣́)

they can read each other’s mind just by looking at each other

“dude i hate this shit why does she keep asking us who we wanna collab with?” *cue lian laughing hysterically*

“what’s so funny (゜-゜)” — interviewer

HAECHAN + LIAN: LIHYUCK

haechan makes fun of her kissing scenes in dramas

calls her short all the time

“lian give me a high five- oh haha nevermind it’s too bad you’re so short”

they’ve actually been so close to fighting each other and i’m not even joking

they’re the two members who fight the most out of all of them

but despite this, they love each other very much

hyuck says he’s the only one who’s allowed to make her mad

and if anyone else makes her mad he’d kill them

limark 2019 fight flashbacks where haechan kept threatening mark

there are actually moments when they’re clingy with each other-

haechan loves her hugs :((

like ??????? one minute they’re at each other’s throats and the next, they’re all lovey dovey hugging each other make it make sense ?????

lian could be speaking english and he’d say, “korean, please. i can’t understand canadian”

“shut up <3”

hello haechan cried and wouldn’t let go of her during her and mark’s graduation ceremony in 2018

she makes fun of him for it but never takes it too far

he goes to her for dance advice

during their nct 2018 weekly idol appearance when they were doing the random kpop dance thing, they beat everyone أ‿أ

[gaming-thoughts-by-an-idiot]

Fallout 3: Mothership Zeta (dlc)

"Right... ok... what am I doing, what level and what have I done"

"Ok, let's do the alien thing"

"Ugh, I forgot there's no running in this game"

"I cant remember what I've done in the game, did I poison the water in this playthrough? Have I only done one playthrough... wait what difficulty am I on... very easy, good."

"Oooh, ok, I forgot how to change weapons, I'm living on fallout 76 controls"

"Cant I take a automated stimpak? Really? Shit ok."

"When I think about it, in every rpg, no actually, in every game I play or have played, I also go with melee, if I can? I fucking will. In halo, mass effect, skyrim, dragon age like- yeah"

"Battle music, what's up?"

*vats locked, ripper ready, one slice, yao guai down*

Me: :0!! Holy shit!

*enclave robot floating*

Me: *destroys it* hehehe

"I knew it was gonna happen, and I still got a jump scare"

"You raaaise me uuuup~"

"Blurry"

"Oh no, south park season one episode one vibes"

"Excuse me sir, that is my tralala, my ding ding dong"

"Hes -- aa?? Red screen??? I DID NOT SIGN UP TO GET CIRCUMCISED"

"Get some toy story vibes with that ceiling claw"

"I got my walk through, imma find all the holotapes."

"Ok, I got my electro baton, who do I beat up"

"I like being 3rd pov, but maybe I'll do this 1st."

"Found a rivet city guard, but she didnt wanna talk to me :) now i have better armour"

"Gotta make a list over the recordings, cuz I totally forgot that's what I was doing here"

"Alright, I know I'll fuck this up, but the road may be fun"

"A child"

"AH! Jesus... fucking alien shit"

"Riiight, I forgot I should get my weapons back, lol"

"Damn... I think I have to go back to the beginning, I'm carrying too much stuff... well, sure"

"Back we go"

"Ok, cuz I was like 300 already when I got on the alien ship, now! I got 92/300, so I'm ready to rumble"

" 'you are no longer well rested' bitch, when have I ever been"

"While the aliens played operations on me, I now got me some nice toast and coffee"

"Ah shit, here we go again"

"They should have subtitles for the alien languages, it should say [alien gibberish] I'm just saying"

"Ok... good to check the wiki before leaving the area, guess it's good I began again, i would've missed nr 3"

"I feel like I'm living like a king. I'm eating toast, drinking coffee, it's hot outside, air conditioner inside, I can pause the game at anytime without fearing for my life or my character to die from dehydration or hunger~ good life"

"The aliens have to be sooo irritated with Sally, like, she keeps sneaking out of her cell and shit"

"I wonder where her sister is though"

"Ok got my shit back, and look at that...147/300"

"Screw the electro baton, ripper time"

"I wonder what the samurai is saying"

"This dude looks like he was dragged right from oblivion, same ugly."

"Cryo thing done"

"I have to go aaaaaall the way back to the holding cells uugghhh"

"Finally"

"Okeiii wheres that damn holotape"

"Finally... aaaand now to walk ALL the way back... hhhh"

"I remember vaguely that I'm supposed to find the samurai sword...."

"Yes I can find it"

"Now... robot place thing"

"Kaay, wheres the tapes..."

"Okay wait, I'm confused, I have to look on youtube"

"Ok youtube didnt help at all, but google did yay"

"Cant get the sword cuz bugged yay-.-"

"Ok seems like I got them all, I'm ready to go to the next level"

"I cant jump and float :c"

"My dude sounds like darth Vader"

"Theres a button that let's me spawn brahmin..."

"Awh I can only get 3"

"Ah! Apparently I'm so evil, that I'm named 'the stuff of nightmares' like damn, calm down"

"Oh... ok now I get it, I've enslaved 41 humans... hey i needed the caps ok?"

"Can i shoot the earth with the death ray?"

"Quick save"

"I did, but I didnt get any bad karma? I gotta google to see if this is gonna impact, you know what? No. If I could do the ground zero in new vegas, I can do this. Fuck the world!"

*googles*

"Awh.. it doesnt do anything.. I mean yay that's good, it would be bad if many people died."

"One holotape left"

"Level UP! Here and now perk and LEVEL UUUP"

"I need to 50% less limb damage plz"

"ACHIEVEMENT!!! WOOP WOOP!!! YEEEEES"

"Its the final countdown wahwahwahwah wawawawah"

"The fucking cowboy died ugh, reload"

"Whoa.... explosion"

"And nobody died! :D"

"Can I come back?"

"Yes, awesome, I own a spaceship"

[skinks]

mr wentworth yes i help my son with his goofy voices yes i am a dilf tozier has the salt n pepper hair of god (oscar isaac) and the sexy librarian glasses to match

god I had never even considered that... the range of this...

Went starts going gray at 32 when Richie is 5 and it’s all the church women’s group can talk about... indirectly, of course. Oh, but he’s so young. Oh, he’ll be balding next. Oh I don’t know, doesn’t he look... distinguished? Mrs Nash from just down their street sees him doing rock-paper-scissors with his son Richard in the grocery store to determine whether or not Richard is allowed ice cream, and Dr Tozier is laughing because he’s winning, and he’s winning because Richard doesn’t know his father can see his little hidden hand reflected in the freezer cabinet, tucked behind his back. Richard’s laughing too, even though he’s losing, and bleats, “Again! Dad again,” eyes shining big as planets with coke-bottle rings.

“Don’t you know what best two out of three means? That was four draws ago.”

“No! No, I’ll win!” The boy shakes his head so hard his whole body rocks from side to side, then clings up at Dr Tozier’s middle with sticky hands. His very... trim middle. Helen’s own Rory, God love him, he enjoys a sudsy six-pack too much these days to keep a middle like that. “Two outta three! Three ice creams please Dad please please Dad please watch I can count to a hundred—”

“Well, we’re not playing hide-and-go-seek right now, Rich. And I beat you, didnt I?”

“Yeah!”

“Right. So why don’t you go get Dad six apples instead, alright? If you can do a hundred, six’ll be pie.” Dr Tozier claps his big hands gentle to the boy’s round cheeks, until they goldfish.

“Easy as,” they chant together. Helen props herself up with the handles of her own cart, the can of little hotdogs going slack in her hand.

“Six apples, then come right back. You got that, doc? You pick the color.”

Richard nods like he’s trying to detach his own head. Dr Tozier puts one hand just briefly on Richard’s dark mophead hair, like he’s giving the boy a blessing for his apple adventure. His hand is really quite broad, thinks Helen, popped out square at the thumb-joint. Matches that jawline of his, something whispers darkly in her stomach. Then the boy’s off, tearing down the aisle on a squeaking chariot of scuffed-gray sneakers and babbling what sounds like a Bugs Bunny impression, repeated on a loop. What’s up doc what’s up doc what’s up doc, fading around the corner to the fruit. Peculiar. Helen once saw the Tozier boy eat a worm at the park while pushing her youngest on the swings, after another solemn-eyed little boy with a faceful of freckles had carefully presented it to him in the sand box. Most peculiar.

Dr Tozier watches him go, then turns back to the freezer cabinet, and sticks two cartons of ice cream into his shopping cart—the very sugary kind. And the man is a dentist!

Helen puts her hand on her chest to calm the trilling schoolgirl rush of her heart, and then stops herself at the sight of her own wedding ring. Get a hold of yourself, Mrs Nash! For Pete’s sake! She trundles her cart over for some chit-chat. Afternoon, Doctor, she says, lovely weather. A perfect neighbourly opener. It is lovely; bright and warm and clear and golden, like honey outside. She’s quietly smug about her new blowout. Dr Tozier is wearing a crisp shirt with buttons like neat soldiers and short sleeves, exposing lean forearms. Yes, a lovely day. Helen swallows.

“Yes, good for the lawn,” replies Dr Tozier.

“We missed Margaret at book club this week,” Helen hedges.

“Oh, that’s right,” says Dr Tozier, and the fine lines at the corners of his eyes when he grins are even more distracting without the facemask he’s usually wearing, when Helen drops in for her check-ups. He pushes his spectacles up the strong slope of his nose. They’re wiry like him, steely gray to match his eyes. “She meant for me to tell you, or Diana. Maggie’s been in Skowhegan for the week at her mother’s. My mother-in-law is a woman of... nervous disposition, shall we say. Maggie didn’t think she’d cope with two Tozier men at once, now that Richie’s started losing his teeth.”

“Ohhh,” Helen coos. That must explain the ice cream. She puts her hand near to Dr Tozier’s arm, then away, then near, then away again for good. A neighbourly distance. Margaret is a lovely, lucky woman, even if she does wear flared pants. Hippie to yuppie pipeline’s alive ‘n’ flowin’, Rory always grunts whenever the Toziers come up in conversation. Helen imagines a picket fence between their bodies, and calms. “My Wendy was the same, I’m sure you remember.”

“Yes,” says Dr Tozier mildly. “You brought her in six times as I recall it, Mrs Nash.”

Mrs Nash. Honestly, like she’s his schoolteacher. It’s a little rude. Admittedly he does look quite, quite young with his faintly curling weekend-hair, if not for the new gray blazing a trail back from his temples like virgin snow. Helen is undeterred, even if something quivers inside at the thought of the word virgin in conversation with Dr Tozier. Music tinkles tinny through the ceiling speakers, and it puts Helen in mind of potted plants, or elevators. This is a lovely chat. “Well, you hate to see them suffer, don’t you? I’m sure Richard’s the same, lots of tears—”

“No, actually, Richie keeps on finding things to hit himself in the face with and knock out more teeth,” Dr Tozier interjects. He raises his eyebrows and speaks hushed, as if this is a secret for Helen’s ears alone. The thought makes her dizzy. “It’s my fault, I made the mistake of giving him a quarter for the first one. That’s why he’s not invited to Grandma’s. Lot of antiques.”

“Oh,” says Helen, taken aback. She has three girls; little boy behavior is as yet mystifying. “Well.”

“I’m joking, Helen,” Dr Tozier says cheerfully.

“Oh. I—I see. What a relief.”

He opens a freezer chest to examine a bag of frozen peas. “Maggie’s mom is deaf as white cat, she’d never notice.”

Helen tries to wipe her clammy hands on her dress without being obvious. Her face is hot, but she hopes her cardigan conceals the effect that the chill of the freezer aisle is having under her bra. She also hopes that it doesn’t.

He really does have such a slender, pleasant face, always with an air of casual, amused expectancy hanging around him. Haloing him, like that bright yellow light above the chair in his practice, blocked out when he leans over and slips his fingers inside. Helen supposes that’s what graduating medical school must do to a man, what marrying and fathering young and having one’s own practice by the end of such a turbulent decade as the nineteen-seventies must elicit. The ability to put people at ease, to—to say open wide and know the people of Derry trust him enough to comply. To open themselves. Helen’s breathing catches. Dr Tozier idly checks his sensible watch, still smiling the unhurried smile of a man who very rarely does his own grocery shopping anymore. Everyone knows you pick up the ice-cream last.

Helen gathers herself. This is the longest conversation she has entertained with Dr Tozier without children or the squeaking of latex gloves between them, and she’s gripped by the terribly silly need to be interesting. “Speaking of white cats, I couldn’t help noticing your hair, Wentworth—”

“DADDY!”

Dr Tozier blanches, whipping around to scan the end of the aisle. He is a long line of tense instinct tuned to thrum into action at one specific frequency, knuckles white on the cart handle. His cart bumps into Helen’s. It is thrilling.

“Fuck,” Dr Tozier mutters, and that’s thrilling too, he swore, oh, the boy’s probably fine Wentworth, don’t go, why don’t we just stay right here with the frozen goods and—

Then Richard comes barrelling back down the aisle like a colt on new legs covered in old Band-aids, with his arms full. The fluorescent strip-lights gleam white on Dr Tozier’s broad shoulders and he sags, like snow dropping from a branch, with relief.

“Hey, lunkhead,” he says, sounding shaky, but Richard is only five and would never know it. He’s babbling again. Seems to Helen like the boy’s as a hydrant overflowing on a hot day; entertaining and welcomed at first, until it becomes a nuisance when you begin to understand it won’t shut off, and have to call the firemen.

“Nyyeeeeeah,” Richard greets his father, tousled and bug-eyed with clear adoration, breathing hard from his Supermarket Sweep. Then he makes the carrot-noise. Looks like Bugs, Helen thinks of the boy’s new adult front teeth, the beaverish jut of them exacerbated by his missing canines on either side. Then she feels abruptly un-neighbourlike for being jealous of a child for his father’s attention, good grief.

Dr Tozier regards his son for a long moment. Then says, “What’s up, doc?” in a spot-on Mel Blanc whine. Richard giggles so hard his too-big glasses start slipping. “How many apples is that?”

“Gotta apples and I was gonna put ‘em in a bag but I forgot and Dad, Daddy look, s’a dinosaur on the box for my dinner when Mommy’s at Grandma’s—”

Dr Tozier sighs, putting one hand on his hip and dragging the other over his clean-shaven mouth, watching Richard drop his armfuls everywhere, scattering the linoleum. He has two apples, four boxes of brightly colored cereal, a handful of pencils topped with cartoon-character erasers, and a kiwi fruit. For a moment, Helen sees the shining enamel of Dr Tozier’s everything-will-work-out-with-another-cup-of-coffee amusement slip, wear away to worry underneath.

“Rich,” he says, interrupting Richard’s blabbermouth, firm and patient. Helen’s thighs burn suddenly under her skirts at the tone of his voice, and she looks down, rearranging her own groceries. She should leave them to get on. She could offer to help. Margaret’s out of town, poor things, they probably haven’t eaten a cooked meal all week!

“Richie,” Dr Tozier says again. “Listen and pay attention when Mom or me ask you to do something, remember? How many apples did I ask you to get?”

Richard has to crane his neck to meet his father’s eyes. Dr Tozier is one of the tallest fathers in the Derry Elementary catchment zone, Helen has checked. “Six!”

“And how many’ve you got, Elmer Fudd?”

“Um.” Richard’s pale little face creases in thought, then brightens. When he speaks again his voice is strange, accented. “Twooo.”

“Some apple hunter you are, huh.”

“Sorry, Daddy.”

“That’s fine.” Dr Tozier stoops to gather Richard’s detritus, and Helen knows she has something to contribute, watching the boy stick one of the pencils up his nose.

“You know, apples are very good for you,” she says. Richard turns to her, slack-jawed, as if seeing her for the first time. “You should listen to your Daddy, Richard, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Richard stares for another few seconds. Then he bites down on his boogery pencil so that it threads through the gaps in his teeth, and hollers, “MY FRIEND BILL SAID THAT’S A PILE OF BULLSHIT.”

“No shouting indoors, Rich,” says Dr Tozier, still gathering. Helen rocks a step backwards, clinging to her cart like a life-preserver.

“Bill and my’s friend Eddie eats a thousand apples and sees the doctor all the time though Dad, and Miss Spiegel said if we eat apples we don’t have to see the doctors but Eddie eats them and—Bill said—”

“Pile of bullshit, yeah, I liked it. Bill’s an eloquent guy,” says Dr Tozier. This is the second time Helen has ever heard him curse in as many minutes. It comes out easy and amused as everything else does in his pleasant tenor. His legs and his jaw are so lean and angular that Helen can see the suggestion, the shadow of the shape of his perfect, swearing teeth through his cheek as he grins helplessly at his son, the fruit of his loins and someone else’s loins who isn’t Helen, and all of a sudden she feels a slick pulse of wet heat, up between her thighs.

She squeaks. Flutters her hand to her face without knowing why, perhaps to catch the noise before Dr Tozier notices, just another quivering Derry leaf tossed along by his breezy manner. He looks up anyway, with a frown.

“Everything alright, Helen?”

“Just—fine, yes,” she manages. Dr Tozier is still down on one knee, kindly face level with her skirts. She can see right down under his starched collar from this angle, a slivering glimpse of smooth, dark hair. No undershirt. Helen has lain naked against Rory’s nakedness before without feeling this alive, in every part of her body. She feels like a heart, beating.

“Oh, hang on.” Dr Tozier says, eyes widening, and turns Richard by the shoulders to face her. One pencil for each nostril, now. “Apologize to Mrs Nash for cussing, Richie.”

“Sorry!” Richard shouts, sounding less like he’s apologizing and more like he’s just deemed Helen it during a game of tag.

Helen is still floating in a dazed state of mild panic. Like a prey-mouse, bewitched into slack compliance by her own body’s snaking desires. “That’s alright, dear.”

F-word, Dr Tozier had said. Maybe cussing could be quite neighbourly when applied in the right context, thinks Helen.

“You mentioned my hair, earlier,” says Dr Tozier, straightening back up with a knowing sort of arch to his eyebrow as he smiles genially at Helen. He tilts his head down at Richard. “There’s the reason. Every last one, sprinkled onto my head at the tender age of thirty-two by the great salt-and-pepper shaker of fatherhood. Especially this week, with Maggie on sabbatical. Had to bring you to work with me, didn’t I, buckaroo?”

Richard bites and swings and tugs on his father’s long arm, a tearaway kitten with a much obliging scratching post. Dr Tozier hardly seems to notice. “Yeah! Daddy’s got fishes at work!”

Dr Tozier grimaces slightly at Helen, but also as if he’s seeing right through her to some past unnamable horror. “I liked those fish. Calmed down the nervy patients.” He sighs again.

Helen wonders briefly whether or not the residents of Dr Tozier’s waiting-room fish tank suffered the same fate as that worm in the park, and decides she’d rather not know.

“Well, you needn’t worry about it,” she says, gamely. She watches her hand reach towards Dr Tozier’s silver-black brindle, then snatches it back from his bland expression to brush the tips of her own feathered-out hair. “The gray, I mean.”

Dr Tozier blinks.

“It’s very—that is to say, you look, it makes you look, I mean, I think it’s—”

Dr Tozier’s left eyebrow joins his right, raised up high.

A tidy little jet of hysteria shoots up from Helen’s knotting stomach to spin like a top in her chest. She hears herself stutter out the word, “Dashing,” and immediately wishes to flee the store, leaving her cart abandoned like so much collateral damage.

But Dr Tozier only barks a laugh, a short, smooth hah like everything else he says. Entirely unperturbed. “Well, thank you.”

Too unperturbed. Helen is struck by a sudden bolt of terror, at the thought of the things Dr Tozier must surely hear every day, when people are lulled by the hypnotically intimate environment of a dentist’s chair and a touch of the laughing gas. Oh, this is terrible. Her face is on fire.

“But they—they make products for men now,” she says, and why, oh why can’t she stop talking? “Hair dyes, I mean, if it really does bother you? I’ve seen them in Keene’s.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” says Dr Tozier, looking down at Richard then with a soft edge, at his bouncing noise and scabbed knees and gently curling hair like a black spaniel’s. Like his father’s. “I find I’m rather grateful for it, truth be told.”

“Plus,” he continues, as if Helen wasn’t already melting harder than the Tozier’s ice-cream, as if Johnny Kitchener the shop-boy isn’t going to have to come along with a mop and bucket to clean up on aisle seven, “Maggie’d kill me if I got rid of it.”

Then Dr Tozier winks.

Oh Lord, oh Lord, Helen’s whole ribcage is so tight she can’t squeeze out a reply, because who could blame dear, pretty, annoyingly friendly, lucky, lucky, lucky Margaret for that when Dr Wentworth Tozier DMD is so—

So f—

So fffffff—

So fiddlesticksing handsome!

“Well, we’d best not keep you, Helen. This one is in dire need of a bath before his mother sees him, and hands me a divorce on the spot,” Dr Tozier says, when another few moments have passed and all Helen can do is try to desperately smooth the creases from her breathing. He’s humming mild interest at something Richard is saying, knelt back down to the linoleum to tie the boy’s loose-worm laces presumably before he gives himself any more skinned knees, and they’re leaving. Dr Tozier is leaving, and Helen hasn’t done anything but act like a ninny this entire time. She doesn’t want him to think her a ninny, a simpleton. She wants him to leave this bright, liminal church of bold colors and jazzy waiting-room music and return to his lemon-yellow two-storey house thinking my, what a lovely chat I had with Helen Nash.

She wants to linger, as he lingers. Like an amiable spirit hanging over the women’s group at church, waiting to be summoned at a moment’s eager notice. I bumped into Dr Tozier at Palmer’s on Saturday, she’ll say to the other jealous ladies, with triumph, and we had such a nice talk. He called me Helen.

“And when—when does Margaret get home?” she blurts. A very secret part of Helen wants Dr Tozier to leave this conversation with Helen and his wife both, entwined by association in his mind. She tries very hard not to think about the Toziers divorcing, because that is un-neighbourly, and feels least neighbourly of all when a dopey, dreamy look crosses Dr Tozier’s face like a brief sunbeam at her question.

“Ah. Tonight. Not too late, hopefully.” He jerks one of his knuckley thumbs at his shopping cart, licking the other to wipe something unidentifiable from Richard’s grubby face. “That’s why we’re here, stocking up for her miraculous return. Like a couple of noble emperor penguins in Antarctica, eh Rich?”

“Penguins like from Batman! Ka-pow.”

Helen takes a peek into their cart, curiosity getting the better of her now that permission is granted. Dr Tozier might not know it, but looking into another person’s cart is bad grocery etiquette, especially in a town like Derry, where gossip grows like a fungus in every sweaty and close little huddle of people. Not that Helen would know about that. Anyway, there isn’t much to gossip about besides the unfortunately liquefied ice-cream, the severe lack of crunchy vegetables characteristic of a young man in 1981 trying to provide for a tooth-shedding son, and—

A little cardboard box. Tossed unashamedly between the Wonderbread and a magazine about sports. Prophylactics. Rubbers.

36-pack. XL

Helen knows her jaw is hanging open and strains to close it, the back of her neck and her shoulders feeling hot and tight and shuddery. She kneads a fist into her skirts. Crosses her legs at the ankles as demurely as she knows how, because the very last thing she needs is for frank, sensible Dr Tozier to see right through her with that easy doctor-patient-confidentiality smile, and know she’s soaking through her underwear at the sight of his Saturday grocery run, and all it implies.

Dr Tozier is laughing, nudging Richard in the direction of the register, or perhaps the apples. “Ka-pow is right. I’ll make sure to use that on Mom, thanks. Say hello to Rory for us, Helen. Have a nice day,” he says from over his shoulder, startling her. Holds up one long hand in a wave with a grin, and is gone, shadowing the boy’s haphazard attempts to push the cart despite not being able to see where he’s going.

Helen stands amongst the humming freezers, trembling. “You too,” she rasps, but Dr Tozier has rounded the corner, and is evidently going to have a nice day and a much nicer night, regardless of whether Helen wishes it for him or not.

All the bright little branded characters are watching her from their shelves, a silent jury. Helen Nash opens a freezer cabinet with a weak arm, and stands there for a while, staring at a leg of ham and thinking cooling, neighbourly thoughts.

[pbandjesse]

Ugh today. Thats how I feel right now. I am glad tomorrow is the start of spring break, even if Im working through most of it. I need a change of pace. 

I slept okay I guess. I calmed down after being so upset. And I didnt have as hard of a time falling asleep but staying asleep was harder. I did let myself sleep in until after 930. And didnt get out of bed until 945. So I had a lot less time. But I got up and dressed and while my hair looked filthy, I felt cute. 

I had a bagel and watched a video and was out the door with some art to show the kids. It was muggy out today. Not rainy like yesterday, but humid. 

Work was alright. Only a couple kids again. I got to work on some collages with stickers with one of the kids. And later in the day I showed them the art I make and they used those sticker collages to create their own drawings. I made one too and it was just a nice project. 

But before we did that I had my meeting with my manager. It went okay at first. When I had filled out my SWOT analysis thing I was really upset. It was last week when everything was bad. And she knew that, as I had warned her to take it with some salt. And she did. And a lot of things I had thought, like independent work time and schedules were confirmed. I got things clarified that I didnt know. And that helped make me feel more secure. 

But then at the end of the meeting she tells me that she needs to talk about how I crossed some lines and boundaries yesterday and I was like. What?? Im like running through the whole day and I couldnt think of anything except the kids yelling? But apparently because Im an aid at this site, and not a lead teacher, I shouldnt be talking to parents? I shouldnt be checking in? I shouldnt be doing a bunch of things that have to do with the end of the day. 

And I was shocked. Because I have been at this site for a month. And I have been doing a bunch of these tasks every day. Because I had been told to. It was just shocking.  And I started crying. But I was embarrassed and I was like I know I am crying but this is not because of you I just cant stop. And she was taken aback and I think she tried to keep talking to make me understand but I was just like. How would I know I shouldnt be doing something I was told to do?? And it was just. Really shocking. 

One of the things that bugs me is this aid thing. I dont care about being an aid, its all good. But also I dont understand why I was the lead at the other two sites but not this one? And like. I wasnt in trouble. But the way it was phrased. Crossing a line. Going outside my boundaries. Made me feel like I had done something really bad and offensive and it really hurt my heart. Because I had been trying to do the things I had been told to do from the trainings I did right before I started at this site. Talking to and checking in with parents. Leading projects. Delegating as a team with the other teachers.

But it just felt like. I was being told I was both doing to much and not doing enough. And that was really hard. 

So I dont know what tomorrow will look like. And at the end of the meeting I was still very teary. I went to the upstairs bathroom that no one really uses and cried for a few more minutes. I tried to get my face to stop being so red. And headed back to class. 

It was a mostly quiet day though. We did another story telling game. We did my drawing project. And made little paper crowns. It was mostly a good afternoon. 

Before I left for work today I told James I hoped all the kids would leave by 4. But at 4 we went to the gym to play basketball. We were only in there for a few minutes when I realized that the other side of the gym had a family playing basketball with no masks on so I called upstairs to ask what to do. And she was like. You gotta get out of there. So even though the boys were upset, we went upstairs to the yoga studio and played catch. Me and the only girl did some ballet at the barre. It was nice. 

But then all of a sudden everyone was getting picked up!A And we only had one kid left. And since we have another staff at night I got to bounce. Awesome. 

I was home before 5. I put my stuff away, put a pizza in the oven, and played some animal crossing. I was supposed to have a meeting at 6 so I prepared myself for that. But then it got pushed back until 7. All good. James went for a walk and brought me french fries home. And I had a really nice meeting with Alexi about camp. 

Im going to be going out there for the first 3 days of next week for a spring break camp. I have a bunch of projects to come up with for programs. Im really excited. 

I still hope things are a little more normal after this summer and I can work closer with camp rather than any other job. But well just have to see. Im really excited to go out there for this little bit of time. 

James made cupcakes for me to take to work tomorrow. And while they were finishing that I went and took a bath. Helped my back a little bit. And Ive just been hanging out on the couch for a bit. 

Now Im going to brush my teeth and try to sleep. I got my schedule at work changed so I dont have to go in til 1 tomorrow, and noon on T/W/T, so Im pleased about that. 

I hope you have a great night everyone. Sleep well. Wash your hands. 

[shametheshadow]

Hot take... Fallout New Vegas isnt the masterpiece of gaming people say it is. A lot of the things I've seen people say are its greatest assets are actually hindering it in other areas.

Rant below cut

Having three visible places of interest at all times is well and good but in between those places are a lot of empty, boring space and enemies designed to punish you for going off the path. Sure, damage curves are great in games, but I'm so god damn tired of walking on this road, chasing after a target that will move just enough that it's never in reach until it's finally like a ten minute jaunt from the starting area. But if you try to take short cuts even just to cut corners on the road you get owned by mobs made to keep you on the path. Or set pieces designed to physically funnel you through a specific area. That's railroady as hell.

Speaking of which, karma systems suck if you dont make being evil fun. I have only ever seen good karma systems in Fable, because being evil is turned into this hilariousy visual thing and it neber directly punishes you for choosing the evil paths, instead making a lot of things easier in some ways. In New Vegas (and Fallout 3 if I remember) what is the point of putting stat points into any thief abilities if you get a big frowny face every time you succesfully steal from a locked container? And Karma isnt even directly explained in any way that doesnt just feel like an ominous "The game will remember that" at least in 3 it was made clear really early on that certain people wanted nothing to do with you based on how good or evil you were.

And as far as unclear instruction goes Caravan isnt explained well at all. The dude you enter the game with gives you some but you have to exit dialogue and read the instruction, re enter and accept, hoping you remember the rules that arent even that clear to begin with. I didnt even realize I had to manually select the vertical position of my card or that I could play on opponents until my third online how-to guide and now I still just use the bug in the programming that apparently was supposed to prevent you from cycling through your cards on the first hand to pretty much cheat a win every time because it tool so long to figure it out I dont want to deal with actually playing legit.

I've seen people say it has a lot of morally grey choices but so far I'm not seeing any. A lot of the more ambiguous choices seem to be something you wouldnt find out until the game is over, like which sheriff you choose but you're provided next to no information to make even a slightly informed opinion. The rest seem to be more "Do bad thing for caps? Or good thing and get shot a bunch of times?"

Even the factions feel very eh. It isnt morally ambiguous, it's that every choice is a bad choice. War never changes... and neither does the Brotherhood of Steel. The NCR is well intentioned but also absolutely useless. They dont even care in Primm whether you do their job or not and just sit uselessly providing nothing but an obstacle to walk around to get into the town. Then in Nipton only one NCR person cares about the distant smoke but claims they're so underfunded and undermanned she cant check it out... but me, a courier with a nearly broken shotgun and nearly broken leather armor can easily just walk in and gun down the four legion dudes and still nobody really gives a shit besides my faction standing... and who knows how the Legion figured out I killed their dudes in a literal ghost town where the only survivor is a dude who they disfigured and cant walk outside to see who is shooting who. Speaking of which, I felt more compelled to help raiders in Fallout 3 at times than I did the Legion or the Powder Gangers. The first thing you ever see of the Legion is the aftermath of them torturing and murdering an entire town. "B-but the town was full of criminals and morally bad people!" Says the game as if that matters when I'm staring at a pile of burnt bodies and guys bleeding out that the only way to help is to waste weapon condition to kill them. The Powder Gangers could have provided a decent argument against the beliefs and authority of the NCR... if your first meeting wasnt them threatening the small town that helped you or if they didnt lob dynamite at you on sight.

Everyone is terrible is a running theme in Fallout games and New Vegas doesnt offer anything new there. Two bad choices just makes me want to not make a choice, which is probably why so many people laud the Independent ending, cause at least the bad choices are yours.

Like, New Vegas isnt horrible, but it isnt the best game ever or even the best fallout ever. If anything it is equally as bad and good as other Fallouts. And for as bad as 76 can be, at least it isnt boring as hell to look at. Skyrim may have been Bethesda showing off their world design, but I've restarted Skyrim like 50 times, I'm not sure I want to slog through the starting areas of New Vegas more than twice. I have stared at the road texture so much.

Also I wish I had a carry weight cheat just so I could finally get stuff back to a work bench to repair my stuff. Tired of constantly being encumbered in a game that makes scrap actually important.

[teddibearclub]

my favourite things kpop boys have said:

eric: a long time ago i dressed up as a princess but now i want to dress up as-

kevin: a prince?

eric: no, geodude from pokémon

-

kevin: i don’t know what a het is

-

20 seconds of silence

jisung (skz): gay!

-

kevin: van gogh was found wigless and shook in his grave, thank you for that narrative.

-

mark lee: i feel like the possibility of those possibilities being possible is just another possibility that can possibly happen

-

johnny: i was thinking we could also go for like frozen yogurt

mark completely changing the tone straight faced: oh i’m not a yogurt fan, i can’t eat yogurt

johnny: no it’s like ICEcream

mark: i know

johnny: ok nevermind

-

mark lee to a random person : excuse me do you know this song “party on the city where the heat is on all night in the beach where the beat is on, welcome to miami”

the person:

mark lee: i’m sorry ok

*later*

mark lee: hey do you guys know this song-

-

mark lee: wow this country music is making this texas feel more like texas, even more like texas

-

mark lee: my fingers aren’t mine

-

jaemin: then i’m jin ramyum

dream: oiiiiii

renjun: i feel like dying

dream:

renjun: what’s wrong?

-

mark lee to a squirrel: check this out hey buddy aw come on man waaeyay

-

mark: woah it’s actually different from santa monica beach because i always thought that all beaches were the same and it actually isn’t

johnny: that’s horrible how you think that

mark: i mean like in a way you know it’s just like water and a shore and then sand but now it’s different

-

renjun: in the case that this works out for me, i am going to go to the moon. i don’t want to live on this earth.

-

ten: *does a cute thing then looks at renjun* why are you looking at your hyung like that?

renjun: i’m scared

-

doni: can you do something like jeno did?

renjun: i don’t really understand korean that well

doni: suddenly? chenle, is there anything you can do?

chenle: i don’t understand...

*renjun and chenle high five*

-

renjun: i have an animal that i’m afraid of and i don’t have plans on revealing what it is

johnny: why? what animal is it

jeno: tell us!

renjun: it’s humans

-

renjun on weekly idol: i’m confident in korean

renjun anytime he doesn’t want to answer something: i’m not good at korean

renjun fluent in korean: korean is hard for me! :)

mr fluent in korean speaking in korean: i can’t speak korean though?

renjun to dream who know he’s fluent: i’m bad a korean you know

-

mark: we gathered up together in the early morning it’s nice

renjun: as we’ve been together since early in the morning, i’m tired of being together now

-

renjun: emergency exits remind me of nctzens

jeno: *spitting out his water*

-

renjun: today though such a fun program like idol room, i learned that the world is a cold and unfair place

-

mark: there’s so much generation difference between us

renjun pushing mark away: let’s keep our distance then

-

renjun: i wonder what it’ll be like when i become an adult, im worried i feel like i’ll have to be more responsible, but seeing mark.. there isn’t much to it, i mean he can drink now but that’s about it

-

yukhei: you see i’m born in the 80s so i don’t know about slang

renjun pointing to kun: what about that guy over there?

kun: *ready to murder*

-

sicheng: the scene where i appear-

renjun: YOU IMMEDIATELY DISAPPEAR

-

renjun to jeno: because you are even less fun than usual i am giving you this award

-

renjun: we’re so boring so fans must be pressing all the hearts out of boredom

-

renjun: so if i don’t win i have to pair up with the mc?

mc: yes

renjun: i should pull myself together then

-

mc: why are you so good at korean?

renjun: i’m not good at korean

doni: *grabs renjun because he’s a lying brat*

renjun: *happily showing the camera he is being attacked* why aren’t you fixing my clothes?

doni: *fixing renjuns shirt because he’s a king and it’s what he deserves*

-

renjun after losing every game: this is like we’re in a movie maybe there will be a big plot twist at the end

doni: there won’t

renjun: as expected from a biased pair of people

-

renjun and chenle talking

jisung: what are you guys saying?

renjun: if you want to know learn the language

-

mark: do we get a prize?

mc: we have an expensive gift prepared

renjun: now it’s worth doing!

-

chenle: wow my chinese is so good

renjun: nice! did you forget you’re chinese?

-

i cant remember who said this probably renjun: i think nct dream, you can say we are kind of a fun team, but when i look at the hyung team i feel frustrated, please gain strength hyungs

-

mark: ive been wearing the shoes renjun made, they’re very comfortable

renjun: i didnt make them comfortable i just drew on them

-

renjun: a spoiler? what if i get fired from the company?

donghyuck: get fired? us? get fired? lmao

-

kevin: jacob i’ve been waiting forever for this moment

jacob: waiting for what? waiting for me?

kevin: honey i see you everyday

-

jacob: the scent of autumn, the scent of leaves

kevin: we’re indoors but okay

-

kevin: kid, mama’s gotta dance

-

renjun: *speaks in chinese*

jeno: wow you are so good at chinese, did u study it a lot?

renjun: yes

-

ten: oh this is not icecream this is butter

-

johnny: there’s this thing too where girls call guys as “oh daddy” but not like a real dad

-

tens birthday note to johnny: i wanna have xxxx with you fatass! love you forever darling

mark: i don’t think we should read that

-

donghyuck: a six-pack is too heavy for me, so now i only walk around with a one-pack. i leave the other five behind.

-

nct: goodnight

mark: don’t let the bed bugs bite

ten: open your eyes

nct: NO CLOSE YOUR EYES! CLOSE YOUR EYES!

-

johnny: my dad knew i likes beans so like he was playing with beans, and he dropped it and then he dropped it on a rock and it slid and then hot water started falling, and then coffee

-

host: wow your english is really good

johnny: i’m from chicago

-

johnny: i chose fried mackerel, mackarol, mackarel, the fish, mackerol, mackerel, mackarel *cute shrug*

-

jungwoo: trip to space

johnny: you wanna go home?

mark: that’s where he came from

jungwoo: my friends are there

mark: that’s his home town

-

jacob: i cant compare to him so-

kevin: it’s okay jacob everyone’s an artist in their own way

-

kevin: fun fact i used to do gymnastics

jacob: SAME

kevin: oh really!!

jacob: and then i quit :)

-

chenle: talking to reporters-

jisung: harry potter

jisung in excitement: ha-REPORTER

-

kevin in distress: jacob you have no beyoncé in your library, what is this? WHAT IS THIS!?

jacob: no i respect her i love her music

kevin making a scissor motion with his hands: you know what this is? scissors. to cut our friendship.

jacob: why are you exposing me like that

kevin: i’m just kidding, if beyoncé can forgive jayz i can forgive you jacob”

-

kevin: jacob came back from canada with a suitcase full of cereal

-

donghyuck: oh canada, this is korea man don’t forget okay.

-

mark lee: wait chips means fries right? 

-

kevin: sam if you’re out there i’m still waiting for you to *cough* TEXT ME BACK

-

jacob: and jeff i love you

tbz: awww

kevin: mY nAmE jEfF

-

chenle pointing at a roller coaster: do you wanna ride?

jisung: hell no i’ll die

-

chenle: jisung which sunglasses are better these or the other ones

jisung: both are mediocre

-

doyoung: that’s a difficult question because i don’t read

-

fan: comments something about renjun stealing their heart

renjun: i don’t know how to react to these types of comments... why are you all like this? everyone let’s self reflect...

-

renjun: pretend we’re close in front of the camera

donghyuck: we’re supposed to be close friends right? this is going to be hard 

-

ten: xiaojun stop being dramatic challenge

-

taemin from shinee: *singing replay by shinee*

yukhei: that’s not it

yukhei *showing taemin from shinee how to sing a shinee song*

mark: *dying in the background*

-

bambam talking about got7’s first album: you know the time we thought we was so cool, we was so good, but then we look back and it’s like what the hell

-

jae: would you rather wake up in someone’s body or wake up without being able to communicate?

brian: i’d rather not communicate

jae: then you can’t sing

brian: i’m fine with that, my parents gifted me this body

day6: ??? the fuck ???

sungjin: what if you wake up in JYPs body one day?

day6:

day6: what about it. i love it. that’s would be lovely

jae: we love you boss 👍

-

jae: what would you forget?

dowoon: i ate some ants as a kid

wonpil: i ate pill bugs

sungjin: i ate soap

wonpil: everyone’s eaten soap, what about crayons?

jae: crayons???

wonpil: they looked delicious when i was a kid

brian: i’ve eaten them

sungjin: they must’ve tasted good

-

dowoon: *stuffing marshmallows in his mouth*

brian: no you can do more STOP CHEWING PUT IT IN

dowoon muffled: i think i’m going to die

brian: you think you’re going to die??

brian smiling: sorry he might die , he might choke to death

jae: *reaching over to stuff more marshmallows in dowoons mouth*

-

brian gets a dare to sing everything he says: dare or dare~

dowoon: oooowwooo~

brian: this is my dare don’t take it from me~

-

q: can you name my bird

renjun: ...if i say to name it “bird” will u want to hit me

[my-brothers-corrupted]

My Brothers, Corrupted

Chapter Three : Section Six : Old Friends

Chapter One l Chapter Two l Chapter Three

Red is beginning to crumple under the pressure he puts on himself to take care of Dapper and the stress of being away from his siblings and Anti, but a new sliver of hope arrives in the form of someone who remembers his name. While Doktor has a breakthrough about the way he thinks of himself and his family, Trick is only being drawn closer to Anti as the days go by.

Trigger warnings in this chapter for serious discussions about abusive relationships, emotional manipulation, meltdown/panic attack, vomit, and police chase, including gunshot and injury warnings. Jackie’s meltdown in particular is very intense, so please be careful.

Section Six of Chapter Three: Old Friends

spicydanhowell asked: personally, i'd like to stay here and chat with him, red

The door and the handcuff on it jingle softly as Red returns, unlocking his makeshift cage and pushing into the door, his eyes low and tired and ashamed.

He’s dripping wet and his sweater stinks like filthy pollution rain. He throws it off as soon as he’s in the door and gives a long, deep sigh.

“Dap, how are you - oh.”

His little brother is asleep. Red gives up the ghost and shucks off the rest of his clothes, leaving him in his boxers. Wet fabric is horrible, horrible, horrible against his skin. He sits down on the end of Dapper’s bed and strokes his hair for a second, checking for life in him.

“Chat with him, huh?” mumbles Red. “Talk about something good?”

He’s distant and thoughtful, chewing on a hangnail, a couple bags at his side.

Anonymous asked: Red, the magicians have specifically said that they understand that you have killed the other but are willing to provide refuge for you to protect you. They only want to keep you safe, not letting past events get in the way of this

“Ah,” sighs Red. “Well, that’s… nice of them.”

He stares at the floor.

“Sorry… I know you want to help. I just can’t stop thinking about that house… and how everything was perfect. And it’s like even if I could get away from Anti…”

He laughs to himself, shaking his head, rolling his eyes, rubbing rainwater from his soaked face.

“I can’t get that back. I don’t know what it is to be actually happy anymore.”

He’s silent for a long moment, those faraway eyes fixed on the wall.

“Saw someone today,” he mumbles. “He reminded me of…. someone. But I didn’t know who. Someone important. But I couldn’t remember.”

Anonymous asked: Red, do you actually want to go back to Anti? After everything you saw when you went back in time? I don’t think you want Anti, I think he’s the only thing you’re used to and that’s why you want to go back. You want to go back to what was normal. Which is perfectly fine, but you know it’s going to be bad if you do Red. It’s never going to get better. You wanted to get better, right? If you go back to the environment that Anti built for you you’ll fall back in line again and everything you (1/?)

Red’s mouth starts trembling by about the third line, and by the time he gets to the end of the message, he’s holding his cold bare shoulders and rocking a little, deep, mourning sighs falling out of his mouth as he tries not to cry again. He cries so much lately. He’s just sad, he doesn’t mean to.

What if the only reason he wants to go back to Anti really is that it’s the only thing he knows? Is that why seeing the house changed everything for him?

“No, no,” he groans, rubbing at his face. “I… I’m supposed to be with Anti. We all are. He’s what makes us all who we are. And I - I’m big brother, that’s what I am, I’m Anti’s. If I’m not that, then…”

He clutches at his shoulders, gritting his teeth.

“I can’t start wanting this,” he hisses. “I can’t! It would make it too hard to go back to him. And I have to. I have to see the others again. I have to go back to that. It’s where I’m supposed to be. He told me…”

A moment passes. Dapper’s clock ticks.

“How would I even get away from him if I wanted to?”

Anonymous asked: You were big brother long before Anti had you.

Red’s mouth tightens with the guilt of it.

“Not a good one, then.”

He glances over at Dapper, underfed and pale, hungry and hallucinating on the shittiest motel mattress in the world, bed bugs eating away at him, old scars patterning his chest like latticework.

“If Anti really is bad,” he says slowly. “And he tricked us… I let them all be tricked. I didn’t protect them. Did I? Even now, I can’t take care of him.”

He glances at his gatherings from the day. He wanted to get rice or ramen, but they have no boiling water anyway. He has a Subway sandwich he got out of the trash and some expired bread he bought. But he didn’t steal anything. He knows the cops will be closing in and he’s afraid.

“I need help,” he says. “I need help. I can’t do this anymore.”

Anonymous asked: *softly* Red, if Anti was right outside that door would you open it? After everything you’ve learned? Would you let him back in your life because you’re scared or because you love him?

Red grits his teeth tight in his mouth, a flush of fear coming to his face.

“Look, I just… I can’t live without Anti. I’ll go to prison. I could starve. Dapper could die, sick as he is. Yes, I’d open it. I have to.”

He rubs at his face and then laughs, cold in the little room.

“Anyway… Anti doesn’t knock.”

Anonymous asked: It’s okay, Red, we can help. The magicians can help if you’re willing. Although we need to talk to them first before we can give you anymore information.

“Scared of magicians,” mumbles Ro. “I just want to go back to that house.”

Anonymous asked: hey, magicians!! dok!!! JJ and red!!!!! there’s been a fuck up!!!! stay the fuck away from the church okay!!! anti knows, you gotta get the fuck outta there

Rojo blinks, staring at you.

“Whoa, whoa, hold on - Anti knows where we are? Is he coming to get us?”

He looks back at Dapper again, a light coming on in his eyes.

“He has medicine and food and stuff? Where? The church?”

—————————————–

You find Dok walking stiffly down one of the yellow corridors with Genesis and JP talking calmly to him, leading him onward, out of his room. At the beeping of the message, Genesis flicks out her phone.

“Oh, no,” she says, her face falling.

“What?” asks JP.

Genesis turns and looks at them, putting a hand on Dok’s shoulder. He’s holding his favorite book in one hand, apparently for comfort. The Bridge of San Luis Rey. By Thornton Wilder. Set in Lima, Peru. Trick bought it for him in Norway. He knows the whole thing by heart.

“Let’s go sit down with the others and talk about it,” she says. “We all need some breakfast, huh, Wilder?”

bupine asked: heyyy, magicians. i'll cut right to the chase. i accidentally kinda gave the demon the location of the place you planned to meet red and dapper. i was giving the location to blue and trick, because trick seemed to be coming around to the idea of running away from anti and i wanted to help get them all together again. but trick was anti in disguise, and i didnt know until it was too late. i think he's coming to where you are. i'm so sorry, i really didn't know!

The magicians are having the same breakfast they always do - cheap, warm rolls with butter, cheese, ham, and apricot jam. Coffee, water, apples, and plates and silverware coat the white tablecloth of the long table, and by the time Genesis sits down, you are a part of the chatter and bustle of all of it. The three children you saw earlier are fighting over the last piece of cheese on their side of the table, Juana and Nina chat gently, JP wheels into place too hard and makes the whole table shake, and Genesis punches Hermann’s shoulder as she sits down beside him, making him laugh. The Old Man is sitting beside Emmanuela on the other end of the table and his eyes narrow coldly at Dok.

“Want to sit here, Wilder?” asks Hermann, patting his other side, and Dok slinks slowly down, ashen. Hermann passes him food and coffee to keep him distracted and begins chattering about his book to keep the conversation light.

“Actually,” Genesis cuts him off, her voice low with disappointment. “I, uh. Think there’s something everybody needs to know. Emmanuela?”

Emmanuela glances at you and pulls out her own phone, checking the system. For just a second, she closes her eyes, but then she has put the phone down again, and her face is calm.

“Well,” she says. “The more people know a secret, the more difficult it is to keep.”

“What?” asks Dok, frowning. “What is it?”

“We had told your brothers they could meet us at a place in town if they wanted to,” says Hermann. “But now it looks like the monster found out.”

Dok drops his knife.

hollenka99 asked: The church is going to be compromised. Anti has been reading some of our messages and discovered the plan. Is there anywhere else you could pick up the two brothers who are still on the continent if they wanted to come?

“I’d drive to get someone,” offers JP.

“No,” says Emmanuela. “You must continue searching for a way to help the sick magician.”

“No point,” scoffs the Old Man, smearing jam over his roll. He chooses to speak in Spanish and your translation software buzzes back to life. Dok shrinks away from his gaze. “I’ve told you already, magic that is stolen like that cannot return the same way it went out. A part of him is missing; he will be crippled for the rest of his life.”

“There might be other ways to return his strength or his magic to him,” insists JP, frowning. “Or even just to ease his pain.”

“I’ll go,” says Nina.

“You’ll risk nothing with the baby in your stomach. It’s pointless anyway, they’d have to be in Peru, in our jurisdiction. Some of our surrounding neighbors were not so amicable to the idea of us taking in those who helped the monster burn part of the forest down and kill more than one magician that night. If they are not in Peru and not willing to come back to us, we can’t help. And now, Peru might not be safe…”

She looks over at Doktor. His fists are bunched tightly in his white coat. He stares at his butter.

“You can’t move him,” says Nina, in Spanish too. “He hasn’t even adjusted to this place yet. He barely trusts us, let alone other magicians who might be angry at him for what the monster did to the jungle. His anxiety is too high even as it is and I don’t trust anyone else to look after him. He has to stay here, Mama.”

Anonymous asked: Red if you go back to Anti you will never make it to that house again. The magicians can help you, really, they’ve promised not to hurt any of you and they’d give you space and freedom that you’ve never had before. It’ll be the closest thing to “that house” at this moment. I know it’s scary but I promise they are good people with an abundance of compassion.

“Well,” sighs Red, rubbing the back of his neck. “Doesn’t sound like that’s an option now anyway.”

Just about starved, he reaches for the wrapped up sandwich and begins to pull the paper off, hoping to find that it isn’t gross from the trash. Luckily it was wrapped up tight and it looks fine, just badly burnt on one side, which is probably why it got chucked.

“Ugh, tuna,” he grumbles, but he isn’t really in a position to complain. He pulls off his half of the sandwich and begins to eat, and a moment later, there is a small white hand sneaking towards the other half of it.

Red can’t help but laugh. “You can take it, it’s for you.”

But Dapper doesn’t smile back at him even as he takes the sandwich and grabs it to his chest, glaring around the room, his face twitching badly, his eyes constantly flickering up to the lights. Up, up, up.

“Something up there?” asks Red, trying to be gentle.

“Locked me in my room,” growl Dapper’s hands. “Angry.”

“Alright,” grumbles Red, turning away from him before he can get pissed. Dapper gives a little gasp as something grabs his ankle, but when he pulls his foot out of the blankets, there’s nothing there. He stares sorrowfully down at his tuna and clicks for attention.

“What?”

“Maggots!”

Red looks at his sandwich.

“No, there aren’t. It’s tuna. You’re seeing things. Please eat it. You need to get some strength back.”

Dapper gags and sets it down, watching the meat writhe. Red sighs.

cest-mellow asked: magicians, when this gets to you, anti knows about the church and he knows you guys are in lima still

“He knows where I am,” mumbles Dok, barely loud enough for anyone to hear him, clutching at his coat. “He knows I’m here, he’ll come get me.”

He chew on his lip for a second, his eyes foggy with the shock of it.

“Santo Domingo,” he mumbles to himself, holding his book tight to his chest.

Anonymous asked: Hey dok how are you handling things right now?

He is not going to cry at the breakfast table. He is not going to cry in front of strangers. He is gripping his coffee cup very tight.

“I want,” he says, with a strong voice but weak air. “To see Trick again.”

Emmanuela nods at Hermann, who leaves your view for a moment and comes back with a tray. Genesis starts loading Dok’s breakfast onto it and Dok is grateful for the permission to flee, even if he only got here a minute ago. Before they have everything ready for him, he has already run away, back to his room, where he always stays.

Nina gets to her feet. Everyone looks at her.

“What?” she says. “He’s already freaked out. Might as well go ahead and do that check-up I’ve been thinking about.”

“Oh, Nina, be gentle with him,” groans Hermann.

“Being gentle is all well and good for a while,” she says, following after him. “But sometimes if you want to set a bone back in place, you have to shove real hard.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Magicos, please be cautious with Dok. He can have quite the temper when he snaps.

“Oh, a temper, huh?” says Nina, putting up her chin. “I hope he comes at me. I’ll kick his stubborn little teeth in. No, I don’t mean that. But he better not try anything!”

She heads down the corridor that leads to his room, her med bag thrown over her shoulder.

“You know, I was married before JP,” she says. “And he was an ass. But I wouldn’t leave him. He got worse and worse as the years went on and I wouldn’t leave him. Because I loved him and he was all I knew and it was just too much, to admit that I had been that wrong about him in the first place. Eventually it was JP who pounded it into my head that he was a shitbag. I was furious with him at the time - cut him out of my life, actually. But he told me the truth when no one else could, and because of that, I was finally able to…”

She’s stopped outside Dok’s open door.

One of the backpacks is missing and he isn’t inside.

“Oh, fuck,” she says. “Just like that, huh?”

Anonymous asked: Magicians, ever since the demon stole Marvin's magic, he's becoming physical. He has actual blood now. He's becoming corporeal. It may be a stretch, but I think, maybe if you team up with tons of you, you can actually kill him. Maybe start planning for something big. He's headed your way, he thinks two of the brothers will be at the church. Don't send your men there. Stay hidden until there's a more concrete plan.

“Don’t think I don’t see these too,” snarls Dok, his breathing shaky and afraid. He’s moving swiftly down past a great white wall. “You and them - you’re going to hide me from Anti and hurt him if he comes for me!”

immabethehero asked: Hermann, Genesis? Anti, the demon with the magician's magic, knows where dok is. he knows where red and dapper are too. you might wanna find them before anti finds you both

“Oh, he knows where the others are too?” worries Juana from the other side of the table. “He will snatch them up again. How are we to - ”

“Hey,” shouts Nina, reappearing in the dining room. “He made a run for it just like that. Let’s get up and grab him before he goes far.”

“He won’t make it anywhere,” says JP, blinking. “Sure you don’t want to just let him tire himself out trying to find a way to escape?”

“He’s cleverer than you think he is,” warns Nina, her eyes flashing. “And I’m worried about what he might do to himself trying to get out.”

“Go look for him,” says Emmanuela. “But be careful. He is not a large man, or a particularly strong one, and I wouldn’t even call him a fighter - but sometimes, men like that must learn ferocity to make up for it. You don’t know where his head is. Go.”

Anonymous asked: H, what are you doing?

“Where are Red and Dapper?” he says, ignoring you. “Close? Are they safe? Could I get to them by bus? Do they know about the church yet? We’ll have to pick somewhere else since the magicians now about that one. Depending on where they are there are several places we could choose. I’ve been here too long. I’ve been here much too long. Complacent! What would Trick think if he knew I’d just been waiting? That I’ve abandoned him, most likely! No more. Time to go. It was stupid of me to wait here.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Dok, no one is going to hurt you...well, except for Anti who WILL when you get back.

“I don’t care,” snarls Dok. “I don’t care. That’s my family. That’s where Trick is, and Blue, who needs me, he’s ill. And the others will all be there. You think I don’t know Anti hurts me? Anti’s always hurt me. Me and Trick, we linger at the edges of his affection. Trick’s always striving for it, but me - ”

His eyes shine with moisture. His mouth trembles but his voice does not.

“I know my place. I know who I’m supposed to be. And a spoiled little hideaway - eating jam and rolls while my brothers struggle without me to look after them - no, that is not who I am. Let Anti torture me. He knows where we stand. I don’t care about him.”

But this only deepens the hurt in his eyes.

“I don’t, I don’t! I can live without him loving me! I can, I can! I accepted it a long time ago, so why does it never stop burning in me like this? I have to take care of the others. No one can take care of me. It’s not who I am and it never will be. I belong at the bottom of the pack!”

Anonymous asked: Dok please don’t leave

“Stupid magicians,” laughs Dok, almost wild with it, his face burning as he moves, approaching a high black gate. “That’s what they get for all eating together. For all being equals. If it was my home, Trick would be guarding and no one would escape.”

He leaps onto the black gate and, with a dexterity you’ve only seen Red embody, he begins to hoist himself up, pressing his feet against the slick bars of the gate and reaching up for the bar at the top.

“I know something magical hides this place,” he murmurs, his eyes flashing. “I hear the way they talk. My memory is perfect. I’ll figure it out. They can’t keep me here. I am Anti’s brother and Red’s and Dapper’s. I am sly and strong and crafty too. I can be everything I need to be. You have to be, in my family, or you’ll regret it.”

Anonymous asked: Dok then convince your brothers to come to the magicians! It’s safe with them you know that!

“They don’t like Anti! They’ll hurt him! He’s a part of me! He made me what I am! I’m nothing if I’m not with him.”

His hands reach the bar on top and he throws himself over the side, tearing a deep line in his beautiful white coat and gasping as it bruises hard along his ribs.

“Fuck!” he wails, grabbing his side, but it’s just pain, and pain for Anti’s sake, and how many times has it been pounded into his head that that is worth it, worth it, worth it, deserved. Your fault. You shouldn’t have let her grab you in the first place, Doktor. You shouldn’t have let yourself be stolen when your family needed you. He needs someone to punish him. He needs Anti.

bupine asked: henrik, no one deserves to be treated like shit. none of you should be "bottom of the pack", you should be equals. that's how family is supposed to be. you and your brothers deserve so much better than that.

“I could have run any time I wanted to,” says Dok, and his voice shatters, but he’s still trying to keep running, out into woods now, great woods of flowering trees. “I could have! Blue pulled me down to the beach. He doesn’t remember but I do. I was never strong enough to fight Anti. I’m not strong enough to be alone. I don’t know why I don’t leave him! I don’t know! I don’t want to have to think about it anymore! It’s not fair! I’m so fucking good for him!”

He screams and his feet fail him and he crashes to the ground for a second, stone grinding against his skin as he cries out. He can hear someone shouting behind him.

“I’m good, I’m good, I’m good all the time! I’m not disobedient, I don’t fail him! I don’t ask for things! I don’t complain! I’m good but I’m still not enough! If I was enough he wouldn’t treat me that way! That’s why I’m at the bottom, there’s something wrong with me.”

He screams again, striking a tree as he rises and keeps running.

“I don’t deserve to be free or treated well. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But if there wasn’t something there, he wouldn’t treat me like this. He would love me like he loves Dapper. He doesn’t. So I deserve it. I deserve it! I have to be better. Maybe if I come back to him he’ll be pleased with me. But even if he doesn’t, I know I’ll keep bearing it. I don’t know why! I don’t know!”

asexualzucchini asked: Jackie, Henrik, JJ, anti is physical. He can be hurt now

Doktor nearly stumbles back down to the earth again, his breath catching in his throat, crashing into a tree and coming to a halt, panting.

“Anti is what?”

——————-

Ro’s head whips up, alarmed. “I’m - what did you say? That’s not possible. That’s not what Anti is.”

Dapper is staring at his own hands, confused.

“Physical…? Lastingly?”

“That’s why he can’t find us,” gasps Red, rising to his feet. “He can’t just zap over here and look!”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Guys, he would have found you by now if he wasn't physical. He can't find any of you without access to a computer.

Red stalks around the motel room, chewing on the hangnail again, thinking, while Dapper watches him and the monsters swirling around him with big tired eyes. He is holding his bear close to his ear so he can hear it better when it speaks.

“You know what this means, right?” says Red. “We have to find a way to tell him where we are without him tracking exact signals. We have to cause a scene. I need to go out again. I - I’m going to get in a fight with the cops! Then he’ll know exactly where we are! And even if I get arrested, he’ll come take care of you!”

“I was not,” Dapper is signing to his bear, apparently cross. “And I didn’t - no! None of you ever listen to me. Of course, but that’s just what dead things do.”

Red isn’t watching him. He’s tugging back on his soaked clothes and shoving the rest of his sandwich into his mouth.

Anonymous asked: Red what the fuck? That’s the worst idea! No! Don’t do that! What are you thinking?

“Then Anti will know where we are!” he says, panting a little. “It’ll be in police records, news, things he can access from far away, without having to be right here! And he’ll know exactly where we are and when he comes back he’ll be able to find Dap and maybe me too if I get away. Dap, I’ve got the room for a couple more nights, so you can just sit tight here, right?”

“Red is going to lock me in again!” cries Dap to his bear, and crumples back onto the bed with real distress.

“Hopefully I’m back in an hour or two, but if not, Anti will come scoop you up and then everything will be okay.”

“Just trying to sacrifice himself so he feels like he’s my hero! Stupid Red! Don’t leave me here! I want to go with you!”

“Dapper, no.”

“Better fighter than you are!”

“No, you are not!”

Dapper is sitting ram-rod straight on his bed suddenly, his blue eyes flashing.

“Beat you. Gas station. Beat you.” He pauses and blinks and then whirls on his bear. “No, I don’t want to do it again!”

Red shrinks slightly away from him, startled.

Anonymous asked: Henrik, you think Anti loves Dapper? Really? You think he loves the one he infantillizes, the one he locks away, the one he isolates from the rest of you, only to let him out when he can kill someone in Anti's name? That's not love. Anti doesn't love Dapper, or you, or any of your brothers. Everything he's ever done has proven that.

Doktor tries to push himself back up and keep going, grabbing at his face for a second, coughing.

“He… he beats Dapper and locks him in. Sometimes I hear his little nails scraping against the door. And he wants to be with the rest of us, but that’s not… Anti can’t just be - ! Please, stop saying these things! I can’t stay here any longer, I’m beginning to wish I could stay…”

He shoves himself onward, racing through the trees, until he sees the end of them, and pushes through at last, revealing the -

Exact… same convent he just escaped from?

“Wilder!” calls Hermann, opening the black gate he leapt over, except now it’s on the right side of the building instead of the left. Doktor blinks, aghast. “Come back, please! You’ll just exhaust yourself!”

Doktor backs away towards the woods again, panting. He needs to hide, then, if running won’t work!

spicydanhowell asked: Red. I say this lovingly when I say: Get your head out of your ass. Anti is physical, and stealing Blue's magic is tearing him apart. He is too sick to hunt you down. If you get yourself locked up, you will just rot in prison. Anti could easily die in the state he's in right now. And then where will we be? You'll be behind bars, and Dap will either be kidnapped or arrested or murdered or hospitalized or something if he doesn't just die alone without you. Please just do what's right for Dapper.

“I can’t do anything right for Dapper!” shouts Red, slamming his hand against the wall and then regretting it, immediately, when it makes Dapper jolt. “I’m sorry.”

Dapper turns away from him and curls up in his bed.

“I… don’t have to get into a fight, per say,” decides Red, rubbing his hands along his wrists, trying to calm himself down. “But he can’t go on like this. I’m breaking into a pharmacy. Dap, I’m going to go now, before they talk me out of it. I’ll come back with antipsychotics or I won’t come back. Okay? It’s my job to take care of you.”

“We used to be equals,” moan Dapper’s hands frailly. “We used to look after each other.”

He buries his face in his pillow, and so it is that Red misses the faint silver light coming back to his eyes.

“I’ll get you help tonight, bud. Something has to change. We can’t go on like this. Goodbye, Dap.”

He’s shoving his bag back into order already, refusing to so much as look at Dap. Refusing to listen.

Dapper shivers and holds himself. A million voices are laughing at him. The great time traveler, helpless again, alone as always.

“He’ll come back,” hisses Dapper, tears and anger welling in his eyes as his hands flash. “I will make him come back if I have to. I am an adult. I get to make choices too! He’s right about one thing - something has to change tonight. I’ll show him, if he won’t listen. I’ll show him!”

The clock in his hand is burning so hot you see his palms turn black.

Red scoops up the camera and leaves, locking the door behind him.

Anonymous asked: You will not be able to help your brothers like this. Anti will more than likely tear you all apart from each other the minute he finds you all. You won’t be able to take care of anyone like that. If you brought them to the magicians you’d be able to do your job with an abundance or resources at your disposal. Think about this Henrik, please.

You sit with Henrik curled beneath a bush. He’s grabbing at his head, rocking himself a little, wishing for Trick.

“No, I hate this,” he cries.

The birds are singing and the sun is clear and everything smells of flowers.

“I hate being with strangers instead of my family. I hate that no one here understands. I hate that I have to struggle with this! I don’t want to! It’s too hard, I can’t do it! You don’t know how fucking badly it will hurt. I can’t just accept this - that so much of my life has been a lie. That so much of it has just been a humiliation!”

He is weeping into his hands. Into his coat. Into the earth.

“It can’t be true,” he sobs. “It’s too horrible. I don’t want it to be true. I’m not strong enough. I think about it all the time. You don’t understand. I can’t stop thinking about everything he’s done to me and telling myself - no, no, I must be remembering it wrong, or I must have deserved it, or - ”

“Weird how abuse works, isn’t it?”

Dok chokes and whirls, turning to see Genesis standing a few feet away, kicking up the dust around her feet, leaning against a tree.

“How did you - ”

“Transportation, remember? I just checked about every spot in the forest. You aren’t great at hide and seek, are you, medico?”

Dok rubs hastily at his face. Just one more humiliation.

“I wasn’t… I’m not… I’m not abused. I’m not. He can’t have.”

Genesis lets out a long sigh, and then she glances at you.

“You guys have internet, right? Can you tell me some of the symptoms of abusive relationships?”

“Don’t,” croaks Dok. “Don’t…”

“If it’s not true, you don’t have anything to worry about, do you?”

Anonymous asked: H, you can stay. Just give the magicians a chance. You don’t have to figure out or unravel every inch of your trauma tonight but you can go back and figure it out bit by bit with help. It’s okay to want something that Anti does not, it does not make you incompetent or disobedient. You are allowed to make your own choices, you are an adult and you are free.

“No,” mumbles Doktor, exhausted. “No. No more middle ground. I can’t bear the back and forth. Either he hates me or he loves me. Either I must be trying to get back to him or I must be staying here. All week I’ve been ‘bit by bit.’ And yes, wanting something Anti doesn’t want… that would be disobedience. I disobey or I run back to him.”

Hermann, panting, has caught up to Genesis, and when he catches sight of Dok he rushes forward to help. But his friend’s hand comes out to stop him, holding him back.

“Give him a moment,” says Genesis. “Give him a moment. Wilder, you already know what the truth is.”

Dok shakes his head, gripping his hair.

Anonymous asked: Sorry Henrik... “A more sophisticated form of psychological abuse is often referred to as “gaslighting.” This happens when false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Examples may range simply from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing the victim.” (1/?)

Doktor covers his face with his hands.

He remembers a great white burn on Trick’s hand. Anti told him to take care of themselves while he was away. Trick was cold. He started a fire for them. When he came back, Anti punished him for disobeying him. Trick didn’t know the smoke was against the rules.

‘You should have,’ said Anti. ‘You should have.’

Trick’s hand is still burned. Mind games. Haldol they were never told to pick up from the pharmacy.

“He just has a bad temper,” groans Doktor. “That’s all.”

Anonymous asked: “A common form of emotional abuse is “I love you, but…” That may sound nice at first, yet it is both a disguised criticism and a threat. It indicates, “I love you now, but if you don’t stop this or that, my love will be taken away.” It is a constant jab that slowly strips away your self-esteem. Abusers get a lot of reinforcement out of using the word “love” as it seems to become a magic word to control you.” (2/?)

“Anti doesn’t care enough to tell me he loves me,” mumbles Dok. “So that one… doesn’t count.”

Anonymous asked: “Abusers at times do what I call “throw you a bone.” The partner was “nice,” “complimentary,” “gave me a gift,” etc. as if it should erase all of the bad treatment. You need to understand that this is part of the dynamic and cycle of abuse.” (3/?)

Candles on Hanukkah.

Doktor is sobbing.

Hermann comes up beside him and puts his hand on his shoulder, in silence.

Anonymous asked: He doesn't want you to know it yet; can you respect that a little longer? You can call him Doctor, or Doctor H?

Genesis sighs, running her hands through her hair.

“I guess? I mean, at some point - ”

“No,” says Nina.

She steps up beside them, her hand on her belly.

“Medico, look at me.”

Dok stares at the earth. Hermann’s hand soothes the muscles of his arm.

“You aren’t just realizing this,” she says. “No one just realizes things like this. Things like what they told you. For months, you’ve suspected. All week, I think, you’ve known. You’ve known. It’s just scary. I know. Trust me, I… I know. But you don’t have to get stuck. You don’t have to be the person he told you to be.”

She leans down, crouching beside him and Hermann.

“What’s your name?” she says. “What’s your real name?”

bupine asked: his name is henrik von schneeplestein, genesis.

“Anti stole it from me,” he tells her. “He stole it. It isn’t mine anymore.”

“Then take it back,” Genesis answers, above all three of them. Her short dark hair, cut by Anti’s hand, is beginning to grow out again.

Scars along his arms, along his hands. Wind in his hair and earth beneath him.

“Take it back. It’s yours again, or it could be, if you wanted. Come stay with us. Really, this time. Come stay with us. Start trying to take it back.”

Hermann is holding on to him. “My friend,” he says. “No more denying the past.”

Doktor looks at him, and meets his eyes, and sees Trick in him.

“My name is Henrik,” he says, very softly. “I fix hearts.”

Anonymous asked: hey dok? i was really attached to an abuser too. even though he told me that real things that i remembered happening weren't real and he pushed my down a flight of stairs and kicked me under the table and pinched my arm, i was so attached to him, and i thought i would be nothing without him. but the thing is that that's just what abusers teach you to think. they teach you that you are vulnerable and worthless and that they are the only one who can take care of you, but it's not real. i'm sorry.

“Sometimes we can’t see it for what it was until we’re out,” murmurs Genesis, and Nina nods with her, because they know, they know.

“Shit,” whispers Henrik, with fervor, hiding his face again. “Shit.”

They let him sit there for a long time.

“I always let myself believe it was just a bad temper… or that we had to live the way we did, because we were hiding.”

A pair of finches chase each other through the branches.

“And the memory loss, fuck… I knew something had been taken from me, but I couldn’t admit it. It was too frightening, knowing he might have really done something so horrible. Taken my life away from me… taken everything. Except Trick. I guess that’s why I stayed. He gives you one thing to hold on to… and when you only have one thing left, you can’t let it go.”

Hermann has put his head down on his shoulder.

“But so often the thought occurred to me - this isn’t right. I shouldn’t let him. He can’t do this to us. But I never stood up. I was too weak.”

“It’s not weakness,” murmurs Nina. “It’s survival. Henrik… you survived.”

He’s here.

He’s alive.

He’s still fighting.

“You’re still surviving.”

Anonymous asked: H, you are enough, you’ve always been enough. If I could I’d give you the biggest hug right now, schatz. It doesn’t matter what he thinks, nothing would change if you tried to prove yourself to him, nothing, and it’s not because you aren’t enough it’s because he doesn’t know what having a family means, he doesn’t care about family he just wants attention, all of it. You have proved time and time again that you are stronger then him, you are kind and grateful, you are so much more than enough.

He’s so fucking tired.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, to all of you, and means it.

It’s just a start.

It’s just a start.

But he’s waited a long time for the chance to start again, if only in the smallest ways, if only in a whispered name, if only in a tiny, powerful admittance he makes to himself, a secret that has been building in his chest for months and months and months:

Maybe I’m not the problem.

Maybe Anti is not what he tells us he is.

Maybe Anti is not even a part of my family.

I can’t let him treat my family the way that he does any longer.

No more excuses.

“Medico, you okay?” asks Hermann gently.

“Thank you,” Henrik repeats in a mumble, his body going a little limp, and Hermann startles and reaches up to grab his other shoulder, giving a small gasp when Henrik slumps back against him, his eyes suddenly gone glossy and dull with exhaustion, and when they call his name, again, again, he does not answer, breathing slow and tired through his nose and staring down at the ground, his hands flexing gently.

---------------

Anonymous asked: Oh my god, is what you said true Anti? Really? You're just doing this all so pwecious mastew will notice you. All you ever wanted was Jack's attention. Makes sense the 7 year old acts like a toddler. I know these asks make you pissy. Not the type of attention you're looking for hm? I bet you wish we would love you again. Or that any of your brothers would love you without mind control. Or that Jack would let you anywhere near him.

Trick and Anti are sitting together in the living space. You hear a bag rustling as they share a tube of Ritz crackers, their legs close together, their heads bent down.

“Yeah, okay, but Anti, you can do it without glitching it out!” giggles Trick.

“Those ones aren’t - Sometimes I just glitch, you little ass!”

Trick laughs hard, poking the screen to distract him, and Anti growls and shoves against his shoulder. Trick shoves right back, and pretty soon, bent over a clean little Nintendo Switch, they are all but wrestling. Determined, Anti keeps the Switch in his hands even as he pushes Trick back against the empty steps and squishes him into the ground, his body tangible and warmly heavy on top of Trick’s own.

“Ah! Uncle, uncle!”

“What was that? What was that? Sorry, I’m killing these goblin things, I can’t - ”

“Anti!”

Anti gets off him, smirking, and Trick groans in fake hurt, flopping across the stairs. After a moment, Anti pauses the game and turns to look at him, handing him the Switch back. He lets out a long, thoughtful sigh, running his eyes over Trick.

“What?” murmurs Trick, smiling at him. He reaches out to touch Anti’s head, tangling his fingers through his hair for a second. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t worry about it. You like your thing?”

Trick hugs the Switch to himself, humming.

“Yeah, I thought you would. Game consoles are easy, you can have any game you want.”

“You look tired.”

“Don’t worry about it,” says Anti, leaning back to lie beside him. “Go on, play. You can tell me about it. I like to watch.”

“Oh, I wanted to check in with the cameras today.”

“Okay,” says Anti, rubbing at his face and tossing another cracker into his mouth.

Trick hands him a camera and Anti re-enables your voices.

Trick’s face falls a little.

“Is this how they talk to you?”

Anti’s eyes slid slyly open at you as Trick reads through the messages.

“Don’t worry about it,” he murmurs, but Trick, with a little frown on his mouth, scoots a little closer to him and puts his hand down on his knee, soothing his palm across the bone. Anti allows it, relaxing, his eyes circled slightly in blue.

Anonymous asked: I fucking knew it that bastard, “what part of this doesn’t look like I’m taking care of him” arrogant asshole I hope it bites him in the ass

“He is taking care of me,” protests Trick, sinking down beside Anti. “He is!”

Anti glances out of him out of the corner of his eye, humming fondly as Trick continues his nervous shuffle towards him, always wary of being pushed away. Anti’s eyes flicker across his body and then he reaches out to hook an arm around Trick’s waist, squeezing him closer, and Trick all but melts.

“Things aren’t easy right now,” says Trick, staring up at him. “But we’re doing okay.”

“Of course you are,” says Anti, and for a second his eyes swim deep, deep black, and Trick sways a little beside him, clutching woozily at his knee.

“Mm-hm,” he mumbles, smiling at him. “Of course I am.”

Anonymous asked: damn... we can't even call him a glitch bitch anymore, anti's practically a flesh boy

“Yeah, that’s been weird, hasn’t it?” murmurs Trick, leaning back against his chest. “But it’s like on and off, really strange. You feel tangible now.”

“I’ve always been able to seem tangible.”

“Mh.” Trick tugs at the laces of his hoodie. “I hear you coughing sometimes at night.”

“It’s not as bad as it was. Maybe the curse will settle soon.”

“I hate those magicians,” grumbles Trick, his hand reaching out to snatch Dok’s handheld on the ground beside him. “They should come after you again, I’ll show them who they fucked with.”

“Of course.” Anti seems relaxed by his blood-thirst. “And then steal your Dok back.”

“Yeah! So you think he’s okay?”

“Good reason to think he is,” says Anti, glancing at you.

“Hell yeah,” beams Trick. “Next week?”

“Next week.”

Trick snuggles down against his chest.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Was that really necessary, Anti? He's already a puppy to you. Leave poor Trick alone.

“He’s happy, what’s the matter?” snaps Anti, ignoring a bewildered look from Trick. “He’s happier than any of his brothers right now, I guarantee. It’s easier to be right here with me, isn’t it, lil Stammer? Isn’t it?”

Trick laughs and blushes, nodding.

Anonymous asked: trick, pick your side. anti just ripped blue out of his hospital bed and broke his nose, and told him he'd never be free. so either go to him, and turn your back on anti for good, or put your muzzle and collar back on, and sleep at his feet. anti's dog, or blue's brother? it's about time you decided.

Trick’s face falls.

He looks up at Anti, and then down at you, and then up at Anti again.

When he speaks, his voice is soft.

“Did you really break Blue’s nose?”

Anti is interested in his nails. His ears are pink, and, today, so are his cheeks, changing color with the anger and the other feelings in his eyes, emotions you’re not sure you recognize.

“Got upset with him,” growls Anti, crossing his arms over his chest.

Trick pauses, his mouth slightly open.

“You… can’t be doing that. What was he going to do, Anti? He’s too sick to do anything.”

“He was being - ” Anti hisses and rubs at his face. “He was being - I got pissed off, okay, I wanted him to come home!”

Trick stares at his shoes, picking at the laces. Immaculately clean Converse, given to him by Anti a long time ago.

“Me too,” he says. “But can’t be hitting him.”

“Whatever, Trick, listen to them, then!” says Anti, suddenly screaming, and Trick jolts hard, curling slightly in on himself. “I get it, alright, nobody wants me if they’re not out of their fucking mind, I get it! You can prove them right, you can be like the rest of your brothers, you think I can’t feel my strings loosening, you think I can’t tell they’re being changed while they’re away from me? And my own body is a weapon to me now, sure, listen to them!”

Trick is on his feet, his head down, heading towards his room.

“I get it, I know, don’t you think I don’t know, I know and I always have known!” he shrieks. “You can go like the rest of them, you can leave me behind, everyone does, sure, listen to them, you can’t be my brother’s and Blue’s, too, right, is that what they said? Fine, run away, go ahead! I know! I know!”

Anti slumps back against the stairs, seething, his eyes brown and his teeth clenched. He digs his nails into his palm and hisses, trying to calm down. There are scorch marks where his hands touch the ground.

“Whatever,” he growls, biting his teeth at nothing. “Whatever… I don’t need anybody, I don’t - ”

Footsteps come back towards him.

Anti stops short, turning his head, and when he sees Trick, his whole face slackens.

Trick steps slowly towards him. Anti reaches out in bewilderment, a strange look in his eyes.

When he finally reaches your view, you can see Trick’s collar, tucked safely into his backpack, latched around his throat.

“I’m not going anywhere,” says Trick.

His voice is level. His eyes are clear. He sits down at Anti’s feet.

“I’m not ever going anywhere.”

Anti is shell-shocked, staring at him, winded. Weird thing about being physical is the new feelings it comes with - like something grabbing your heart and warming it between their hands. His cheeks are very red.

Trick leans forward.

Anti grabs him and hugs him tight to his chest, squeezing him down, down, down, holding him.

“Cameras off again?” asks Trick, muffled against his stomach.

“Cameras off again,” whispers Anti, and, grabbing you, he turns you off and throws you away.

----------------

aether-mae asked: Red, maybe you failed to protect them in the past, but if you continue to let them be returned to Anti after everything you’ve seen, then your still enabling their torture. You need to put your foot down and end this. Choose to do good, despite everything

Red breathes out a shaky sigh, staring down an alleyway at the lights of a tattered drug store.

“Choose to do good, huh?” he mumbles to himself, his hood drawn over his head.

The truth is he doesn’t know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. Nothing feels clear cut. To lock Dapper in his room feels bad, but to let him come along and get hurt or run free and have an episode alone would be bad too. To go back to Anti has begun to feel frightening, but to continue living this way with Dapper so sick could be worse. Maslow’s Pyramid is boxing his morality in - with an empty stomach and a hallucinating brother, just about anything that eases his pain feels like the right thing to do. Killing people is wrong, but self-defense is good. Stealing is wrong, but taking care of Dapper is good. Who is he supposed to turn to? Where is he supposed to go? For a rare moment, he feels something in him cry out for the cold pews of that run-down church where they hid, but God’s never helped him before and he doesn’t expect salvation now that he’s done so many things nobody should ever do.

“Just let me try and get him some medicine,” murmurs Red, moving towards the drug store. “Maybe cause just a little trouble, so Anti at least has an idea… I can always choose to run later, but I just - I just can’t do this alone anymore.”

And he does feel alone. Dapper is just a responsibility. No help is coming.

“Look, I’m just going to put you in my backpack so you can hear,” he says. “And then, if everything goes really wrong… you’ll be able to tell Anti and the others. And they’ll know why I did it, and not to look for me. And then, you know. It won’t be so bad, I don’t think. Maybe kind of peaceful, even. I’ve heard it’s like sleep. No duties there, you know? No one to hurt me. Nothing to wrestle with. Feel like I sealed my fate a long time ago, so, hey. I can be a way for Anti to find and look after Dapper again and then everything… everything will be okay.”

He swallows hard and tries to believe himself.

“Just need you with me,” he says, a little gruffly. “In case things go wrong.”

He puts you in his backpack.

After that, a great many things go wrong.

whydoilovesomanyvillians asked: Wait red dont die what went wrong

Skidding footsteps pound down the sidewalk; raw gasps are matched by the shrieking of sirens, and your screen is jostled rapidly with the running. There’s a a pause as Red tries to turn, and then the sound of a gunshot, and Red whimpers, taking off again, a hard gasp slicing through his voice.

“Anti’s right,” he chokes, heaving. “I’m not a good thief!”

There are voices yelling at him. You hear clanging as he tries to flee, leaping up the side of the building. Another shot goes off and he cries out, terrified, but he will not surrender. He can’t go to prison. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t. This was stupid, this was so stupid. He can’t remember why he did it now. He just saw a chance at getting out of this situation and leapt for it. Maybe he was just hoping to get shot.

Anonymous asked: Not everyone thing simplified to two options, y’know. Why not make your own choices and discover a third option? Think outside the box a little, Red, anything is possible if you want it bad enough.

Red is trying to get you out of his backpack, grabbing you as he runs, having found some distance from the police behind him as he sprinted through back-alleys and abandoned buildings.

“Well, I am VERY OPEN to suggestions right now,” he shouts. “Like, just, incredibly open to suggestions!”

He turns an alley and sees a dark figure at the end of it hallowed in red and blue. Fear flashes over his face, and then, before he can turn -

Gunshot.

Red wails, clutching at his arm, and turns to race away again, but he’s getting rapidly boxed in. Dark figures on every side. Circling him like a lynx surrounded by wolves. He cannot breathe and blood is soaking his sleeve.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Red! Please be careful.

“What do I do?” he gasps. “What do I do!”

He stares around you. Cops to the right, and coming down from the north too. He could go to his left or south. South is an abandoned building; left is more alleyways.

Anonymous asked: Did you steal what you needed? As for suggestions, lose whatever jacket you're wearing and double back if you can. If they didn't get a good look at you, you might be able to get past without seeming suspicious.

“My… my jacket?”

It’s the only thing he owns. He clutches furtively at the sleeves, feeling suddenly paralyzed. A blur of blue and red lights. A blur of shapes faraway getting closer. The cold as he takes off his jacket. The blood, hot, soaking into him, and the stinging bullet embedded in his arm. Oh, please. Oh, please. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

“No, no!” he cries to himself, trying to focus on your message. “I have - I grabbed antipsychotics I think, but I - I don’t know what kind, I don’t know what to do - don’t act suspicious, don’t act - k-keep it together, Red! Keep it together, Roser!” Fuck, but he wants Blue!

Anonymous asked: Cops may know the area better than you do so you might get pinned in the alleyways. The building may be a bit tricky but if you can move quick and hide you might be able to get away unseen. Weigh your strengths

“Okay, okay,” wheezes Red, hurrying towards it. Shouting around him. He’s scared they saw him but he isn’t sure. He doesn’t speak Spanish. He’s not sure he could understand English right now. He sprints towards the abandoned building - some kind of greenhouse, if he had to guess, and shoves himself in through a rusted door. He needs to find someplace to hide!

whydoilovesomanyvillians asked: Go south maybe you can lose them in the building's

“I’ll try and stay hidden,” he pants. “If I do good enough, they might leave. Maybe they won’t check thoroughly. They don’t know I’m the one who’s - they don’t know I’m a killer, right? Right? They just think I’m a petty thief. Or did they recognize my jacket? They’re shooting at me…”

Anonymous asked: Every second you stay out of their line of sight is good; try the alleys, take as many turns as you can, wait until they're good and behind you before you try climbing anything. Unless you think you can do some rooftop parkour from the abandoned building, in which case, try for there first. Just move quickly, make as much time as you can where they don't have their eyes on you.

“Oh, fuck, I can’t get on the rooftops with my arm like this,” he whimpers, the realization hitting him. He clutches the machete Anti gave him in his good arm, panting. “That’s how I always get away when I’m in trouble!”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Go down to the abandoned building! It might buy you some time. But if you think you still have the energy to run, book it down those alleyways!

“It does buy me time, it does,” pants Red, hunkering down between a closet and a table at the corner of the back of the long, open building. “Yeah, okay, okay, gotta take a second to collect myself before they find me. I’m okay. If they find me, I can fight. I’m good at fighting. I’ve fought with worse than a bullet in my shoulder before.”

He’s pale, but not pale enough to lose consciousness. Not yet.

The door he came in through creaks.

“Hello?” someone whispers.

Someone else shushes them and footsteps skitter in the darkness.

Anonymous asked: Hey Red that’s alright! That just means you gotta get a little more creative with your tactics. Just relax and think logically, act like you are in control of the situation. If you don’t you’ll trip up and get caught and we don’t want that.

“I’m in control,” he wheezes to himself, nearly silent in the darkness. You can just see the outline of his face. “I’m in control. I am a soldier. I am a fighter. I always come home to my family. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have left him alone. I shouldn’t have locked him in. Okay. Okay. Sh, Ro, sh.”

Anonymous asked: that's ok red, you can keep your jacket. maybe you can wear it inside out or around your waist?

The hood, for now, is hiding his face, but he thinks that’s a good idea. He nods. He’ll change it once these cops leave. Someone is sliding closer to him. He tries to breathe.

Anonymous asked: Red, I get why you see Dapper as a hindrance especially in this unmedicated state, but bear in mind he could be your greatest help if you'd let him. Trusting him is going to help him trust you. Two-way street, bud. You're not alone, so quit acting like you are because, like it or not, you're both in this together.

“He’s just… always seemed so helpless,” murmurs Red, clutching his own head. He should probably shut up, but he’s trying to ground himself. Quiet, quiet. Can’t breakdown now. At least this place is cool and quiet and the fire in his arm is beginning to go numb. “Sometimes it’s like he can’t even think for himself. I don’t hate him, I just don’t know how to see him as capable anymore. He’s always sick or acting like a baby… maybe that’s not what he wants, but I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Anonymous asked: Can you see who it is, Red? Be cautious, but I think they might be an innocent.

Red swallows and turns both himself and you slightly to the right, sinking down so you can all see beneath the legs of the table. The black boots and navy green uniform of the policia. A gun.

Red shudders, going still. There is another pair of footsteps, moving even more quickly towards them, and this person makes much less attempts at being quiet, panting in the hot shadows. Red squishes himself down small, small.

Anonymous asked: Blue would tell you to calm down and think through this right? Deep breaths and think about what is happening in the moment, nothing else. Your main priority is to get away, to disappear, don’t worry about anything else. What if you weaved down the alleyways to try and loose them? Just don’t get cornered.

Blue would tell him to calm down.

Right? Right?

Deep breaths. Stay in the moment. Get away. Disappear. Don’t be scared, Red. Don’t be scared, Rojo.

Right?

He wouldn’t be angry.

Calm down. Deep breaths. Stay in the moment. I’m not angry. I forgive you.

Maybe that’s what Blue would tell him.

Right? Right?

I love you, he’d say. Focus on that. I forgive you. Deep breaths. Stay in the moment. Stay here with me.

The flashlight of the cop shines on him.

“Está aquí!” and the gun cocks.

Another voice cutting through the darkness, and footsteps running towards him. “Don’t hurt him! Don’t shoot!”

Anonymous asked: You're alright, Red. You can do this. Just one step at a time, yeah? You can handle this. Deep breaths. Do you have any subtle stims that can ground you, like tapping your fingers or rubbing a seam on your clothes? Just focus on that for now, and you can act on something else if something else happens.

Red can’t move. Red can’t breathe. Red can’t move. Red can’t breathe. Get up, Red. He can’t move. Run, run. Gun in his face. Shouting. Machete in his hands; clutch the scabbing handle tight, focus on the pressure in your hands. Get up, Red, run, can’t move, can’t breathe, hold the machete; blood on your arms, jacket, light in his face, Blue, Blue, Blue, I’m sorry, I love you, can’t move.

Someone collides hard with the police officer, shoving him back a few steps, and there is shouting, loud.

“Don’t hurt him!”

Angry Spanish in reply. “He’s armed, he has a machete!”

“Put the gun down, don’t hurt him! Hey, hey, put the machete down for me, man, can you put the machete down?”

Can’t move. Anti’s machete. Protect Dapper. Silver water. Can’t breathe. The gunman whirls back towards him again and Red is going to die.

The other stranger pulls back his own gun and slams it down on the skull of the police officer.

The body crumples.

One breath, sucked desperately in. One breath. Knife handle. Jacket. Quiet. Warm. Focus. Calm down, Ro. Deep breaths.

The stranger stands over him, panting, stammering, staring at him. He drops his gun and it goes clattering to the floor beside the body. After a moment, he picks up the flashlight and shines it on Red.

Red covers his eyes, panting, holding the blade in his trembling hand.

Anonymous asked: Red DO NOT strike first! Only in self-defense, ONLY fight if you HAVE to!

Get up, Red, fight.

Ro, he just protected you.

Don’t strike first. Don’t fight unless you have to. Injured. Alone. Trapped. Afraid.

The stranger has not moved. Red staggers back against the wall and pushes himself up, slowly, until he is standing on trembling legs, and only then does he pull his protective arm away from his eyes and face the man with the light.

He saw him earlier.

When he was scavenging for something to eat.

He had thought he seemed familiar, somehow. Forgotten, but familiar.

He is not South American, but his skin is dark and his hair darker, soft and silky on his head. His eyes are so golden-brown Red thinks of tigers. A wide mouth made for smiling now turned into an astonished o, eyes wide with shock and light, strong, familiar features. Red knows him and Red does not know him. Red does not know him at all and yet knows every part of him. Red is afraid.

“It is you,” the stranger whispers. “I didn’t believe…”

Behind the flashlight, the stranger seems to glow with light, and then, as the realization hits him and sinks down into him, with joy, too.

“It is you,” he says again, a smile lighting up his sunlight face. “Jackie.”

Anonymous asked: Who is that??

Red is close to suffocating.

“Who?” he tries, but the words are mangled in his desperate mouth. “Wh - who - how - ?”

“It’s been so long,” gasps the stranger, taking a step forward.

Red flinches and he steps back again, worry on his face.

“Sorry,” he whispers, and the smile comes back. Red thinks he sees tears in his deep eyes. “I had started to think - I had almost started to give up, Juice Box, I - oh, fuck. Then there was this weird power signal in Peru, and I followed it, and then I could swear it was you in that police arrest, and then, up north, a trail of crimes with you fitting the description, and I - I - Fuck. I’m so sorry, I’m just - !”

He laughs aloud, making Red startle hard, and the stranger again tries to readjust, worry in his face.

“Sorry, you’re spooked. It’s okay. We need to get you out of here.”

He reaches out a hand. Yes, definitely tears in his eyes. Joy on his mouth. That old name. Jackie. Jackie.

Red slinks back against the wall, staring at him.

Wary.

“Are you okay?” asks the man. “Are you hurt?”

He reaches farther forward. Red jerks back and the stranger frowns.

“Don’t touch me,” Red manages. “Don’t even think about touching me.”

bupine asked: hey there, stranger. can you hear us? what's your name?

“Does that thing get messages?” he asks, tilting his head at the flashing light of the camera. “Is that… is that him? Can I - ?”

Red clutches you jealously to his chest and slides slightly down the wall, shoving the desk between himself and the stranger. He is panting, hard, and as he moves the man catches sight of the gleaming blood on his arm.

“Did they get you? Let me look at it, Jackie, please - ”

“Don’t come near me!” shouts Red, shoving himself further down the hall, though the tentative movements of the stranger towards him make him nervous and paralyzed, not remembering how to run away. “Don’t come any closer!”

“Okay, I won’t, I won’t, I promise, see?”

Hands held out. Feet planted. Eyes like the earth, rich.

“It’s okay, I won’t touch you or come closer if you don’t want,” promises the stranger.

“Who are you?” shouts Red, and the heat of the humiliation of not knowing him, though he knows him, rises in his face like flame. “Stay away from me! Who are you?”

But there is no anger or frustration or even disappointment in the man’s eyes.

Just knowing - acceptance. And then, for a moment, a grief so wide the ocean couldn’t make space for it, and then the knowing again.

“It’s okay,” he whispers. “It’s okay. You must have been through so much, I know. It’s Max. Do you remember me at all?”

Red shakes his head numbly. He sees again the great dark hurting grief, and then Max is calm and smiling soothingly again, the knowing in his eyes, the sorrow resting on its underbelly.

“Oh, okay,” whispers Max, very soft. “Not at all? It’s me, Max. No? That’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

He will have time to hate Anti for it later.

Anonymous asked: Red, don't be afraid. There's no need to be scared, I'm nearly certain. Be cautious, but this person just saved your life. I think you can more than trust them.

No. No, no.

Red doesn’t like this, this isn’t -

This isn’t how they’re supposed to be.

He doesn’t know how they’re supposed to be, but not like this.

And he’s ashamed, but he doesn’t know why.

He covers his face with his hands. He will not cry in front of strangers. And this man is a stranger no matter what he says or what he knows. He doesn’t want to be looked at or seen or real. He wants to wake up, or maybe die.

“Who are you?” croaks Red. “Who, who, say things that matter this time!”

“I - I’m a detective, or I was, with the Sussex Police. I’ve been trying to - Jackie, wait!”

The word ‘police’ and Red tears towards the exit of the greenhouse, yanking frantically against the locked door.

“No, I won’t hurt you!” swears Max. “I’m on your side, please! I’m here to help, I am, just please talk to me.”

“Fucking pig,” snarls Red, whirling on him again, panting hard. “Don’t touch me.”

“Is Anti here now?” asks Max, his eyes beginning to redden. “Is he making you do all this? Is he making you act like this?”

A strangled laugh from Red’s throat. No. The last week has been all him and his bullshit. Nobody made him do anything. And now Max is seeing him like this. Sprinting away from a crime scene. Running from cops. Probably he stinks and his clothes are fucking filthy. He is, very suddenly, so aware of every scar along every inch of his torn, abused flesh that he wants to scratch them all back to blood just to hide them.

“Jackie,” whispers Max.

And Red strikes like a snake.

Max shouts in alarm as he is tackled to the ground, and Red’s fist comes down once, twice, staining his teeth crimson, and Max struggles frantically against his grip, yelling. “Jackie, stop! Jackie! I won’t hurt you!”

“Don’t call me that!” Red screams, slamming his head back against the ground. Max moans. “I’m not Jackie! Jackie is gone!”

“No,” he hears Max cry, grabbing at his face, his right hand finding the back of his head and grabbing his hair tightly. “I know you! Even from the others, I would know you. I could know you by the way you breathe.”

“No, you don’t know me, you don’t know anything about me or the person I am now!”

“Jackie,” he begs, his hand still in his hair, protecting him. “Jackie.”

“Shut up!” screams Red, and strikes him again, and leaps away from his body, taking off at a dead sprint, throwing his whole weight at the door this time and busting the hinges entirely. You get a glimpse of Max staggering to his knees but then collapsing back to his side again, striking the floor in his anguish, his white teeth gritted.

Anonymous asked: Stay hidden, Red, but as soon as it’s clear you need to get the hell away from there and go the opposite direction.

He tears off his hoodie and wraps it around his waist instead, sprinting so numbly now that he isn’t even sure if anyone’s following him. That’s an order he can follow. Get the hell away. Get the hell, the fuck, the goddamn away from there and from him and from everything. He can’t feel his arm anymore. It doesn’t matter. He’ll run until he passes out if he can’t find his way back to the motel. He can’t think. He’s sprinting. It’s quiet at last. Dark streets and silence and the bundle of feelings cutting him open from the inside. Even Dok couldn’t cut that shit out of him. Nurse, I need a liter of not-being-so-fucking-useless, stat. He laughs wildly and stumbles as he runs, beginning to hyperventilate, beginning to slow, exhausted.

“Can’t call me that,” he pants to himself, staggering down a street he doesn’t know. “Can’t call me that…”

Anonymous asked: Red, what was that? Why did you do that?

“I don’t know, I don’t know!” he shrieks.

He tries to rationalize it away.

“He was a cop! He was going to arrest me! And Dapper, he could find him! He knew who Anti was, he could hurt us! He’s been stalking us! He’s the kind of person Anti’s warned me about again and again! I should have killed him! Anti would have wanted me to!”

He slams against a wall and covers his face with his hands - or tries to, but the injured one has lost all feeling. His head spins fiercely. He’s going to be sick and he isn’t sure if it’s from the blood loss or the encounter.

“I didn’t want to see him,” he cries. “I didn’t want him to see me.”

Anonymous asked: Ro, you need to calm down.

“Why can’t I do anything right?” he groans, tugging at his hair like he always does, pulling at the thick dark hair. “Sometimes I just want to be normal. I get so freaked out. Fuck, when was the last time I just… met someone? Met anyone? Spoken to anyone other than my brothers and you?”

He holds his own aching shoulders, shrinking down against the wall. “I want Blue, why does Blue always feel so much safer than anything… I need him, I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t!”

He strikes the wall with his fist so hard it will bruise.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Red, Max is NOT out to get you.

“Everyone’s out to get me,” he chokes, rocking himself and rubbing his palms together. “The whole world is out to get me. The whole world is out to get me and my family. I can’t trust anyone but my brothers. That’s the way it’s always been. Even before i remember. Cops waiting for me at food pantries. Guns surrounding my house in the middle of the night. Strangers stalking me home from the marketplace on Christmas Eve.”

Anonymous asked: You make mistake just like anyone else, but it’s what you do after that that defines you. You either do what you can to make it right or you sit and have a pitty party. It’s okay to mess up, Red, but Blue is not coming so you have to figure this out on your own.

Red shivers hard. “I… I wish I could remember a time without Blue. I’ve never done anything without him. Anti told us to stay together and I walked away.”

He rubs his wrists into his eyes, trying to breathe.

“Okay. Okay. I can figure this out. Need - I need to get back to Dapper. I need to bandage myself up. Can’t be bleeding everywhere. I can’t think about him, I won’t…”

Shaking so hard it is difficult to rise, he nevertheless gets back to his feet.

Anonymous asked: Red, bud... You're having a trauma reaction right now. You've been attacked and stalked so often with mal-intent that it's causing a trauma reaction. Can you breathe for me, love? Breath in 4, hold 7, out 8. It's okay, it'll be okay. Max wasn't going to hurt you, buddy. Everything will be fine, but right now work on calming and guiding yourself our of this flashback.

“Keep having nightmares,” whispers Red, and then he tries to breathe for you.

One, two, three, four… one, two, three, four, five, six, choke - pause, cough, try again - one, two, three, four… one, two three, four, five, six, seven… one, two, three, four, sigh deep, too deep, so tired.

Everything in his life is always difficult and frightening and he’s tired. Afraid. He doesn’t remember if it was always like this. He doesn’t think so. He thinks he used to be brave and safe and maybe even happy.

One, two, three, four…

Anonymous asked: Wow what a shocking coincidence that your life was only exhausting and frightening and traumatizing since you've belonged to Anti, hm, Red. I wonder who could possibly at fault.

“Please,” mumbles Red, clutching at his face. “Tell me I didn’t help bring them all back to an Anti who wanted any of this. Tell me I haven’t belonged to an Anti like that. I couldn’t bear it.”

Anonymous asked: Red, fucking /stop/. You need to calm down, please. Go back, see what he wants. He won't hurt you, he said it himself. Explain who you are if he doesn't understand. Stop running from your past. Stop running from people who want to help. You will /die/ if you keep running from everything that tries to help you. Dapper will die without help.

“I… I think I’m lost,” he mumbles, shivering despite the heat, staring around himself. “I don’t even know where I came from.”

He holds his arm as it begins to hurt again, feeling coming back as the adrenaline fades. “Ngh… maybe I should have at least let him bandage it up. No… Dapper will help me. Even if I left him behind. I think I need to apologize.”

He runs his hands through his hair. Dapper will die without help. He groans and moves forward, looking around for anything he recognizes.

Anonymous asked: Sadly.... You have Red. You've belonged to an Anti who told us he hates you and loves seeing you in pain. You belong to an Anti who killed you in front of Dapper and forced him to rewind every time he disobeyed. You belong to an Anti who threw Blue out of a hospital bed, gagged him with his own stolen magic, and broke his nose.

He is set to shuddering again, crumpling against the wall, panting and dizzy. He can see Blue sick, now, choking and bleeding. He can see Blue hurt and himself not there. He can see Blue dying. He can see himself dead, and Dapper looking on, afraid, Red’s blood made as a tool to control him.

“I don’t believe you!” shrieks Red, clutching his hair. “No! Stop it! I’ll turn you off! I want to go home to Dapper! I need to see him! I need to - we used to protect each other, I need - I need to see Dapper! Where am I?”

Anonymous asked: He wasn't stalking you, he was rescuing you Red. He was helping, he came to save you. You can't 'rationalize' this one away, buddy... He was a friend. A friend that you don't remember. He came to save you. His eyes were grieving you, missing you.

“A friend,” chokes Red.

And suddenly, he needs it to be true so badly he can barely breathe.

He needs a friend.

He really, really, really, fucking needs a friend.

“This is so stupid,” he sobs. “I’m supposed to be able to do this alone. It doesn’t matter now. I can’t start to know anyone else. I’ll just lose them when I have to go back to Anti. And I beat him, anyway, so he won’t want me now. I don’t know how to trust anybody anymore so it’s better if we just go.”

But he wants it, he wants it, he wants it so much he doesn’t even realize he’s crying until his mouth is warm with the tears and his chest is hiccuping and he has to calm down, he has to.

Anonymous asked: Whether you believe it or not doesn't make it any less true. What are you going to make the "he just has a bad temper" excuse too? Red, do you know the definition of "gaslighting"? Do you realize how shattered your reality is because of what Anti has done to you?

“No, no, no!” He thrashes his head back and forth, rocking again, but it hardly helps. He needs someone to hold him. He wants someone to touch him. He wants to feel safe. “I’m the shattered one, it’s not anybody else’s fault. Why would he do this to me if he knew? Why would he hate me? I’ve never done anything but protect him, my little brother, my angry, hurting little brother, I’ve never done anything but love him.”

He wants Anti to come hold onto him and tug at his hair. It is only belatedly that he realizes he has no memory of Anti ever holding him like that at all.

“Stop talking!” he screams, his voice splitting down the middle, grabbing at his face as the lights around him become overwhelming again. “Shut up!”

Anonymous asked: You know it's the truth though, don't you Red. You know your master better than anyone. Do you really think I'm lying? Do you underestimate his cruelty, even now, after all the shit he's done to you? After he almost killed Blue? Blue would have died if it weren't for one of the magicians healing his heart. Anti would have killed him. He's still killing him, every single day.

Red crumples.

You can hear him breathing. Harsh and thin and wheezing like an asthma attack. A low string of mumbling pours from his trembling mouth. His nails bite into his palms. He puts his forehead down on the filthy dirt of the alleyway and clutches at his head like there’s bombs coming down and he’s beneath his desk. He can see Blue’s corpse on the shore of the river. He sees purpled lips and swollen eyes. The body goes unbelievably stiff as it dies, and so soon too. Red knows. Red has held corpses. Blue would be so heavy, with bones like metal, unyielding as a concrete building. His eyes would never see the stars again and the life would be gone from him. Red can smell the decay. The rotting blood. Red can see Blue dead, but Anti wasn’t the one who killed him. Red walks away and hears Blue crying out for him beside him.

Ro? Ro? I don’t want to die. Red - Jackie - I’m afraid, please -

Be good, Blue. Be good. I’ll see you again soon.

Red slams the side of his head against the concrete. He is holding his shoulders as he always does, but he lets his fingers dig into the bullet-hole at the top of his shoulder. His palms fill up with blood.

Anonymous asked: "Gaslighting: form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance. Blatant lying. First, people who gaslight tell obvious lies. Deny, Deny, Deny. Using what you love against you. Additionally, people who gaslight use what is closest to you against you. The slow death of self."

The slow death of self. Red shudders and is sick against the concrete, and now he cannot breathe at all through the smell of his own vomit. He falters and tumbles against the brick of the building beside him, his eyes rolling, rocking himself back and forth, his head striking concrete every time, desperate breaths wheezing out of his throat.

Anonymous asked: "Gaslighting. Everybody else is the enemy, outsiders are not to be trusted. Lovebombing, holding love and affection over your head and using it against you. The constant confusion that the abuser has instilled leads the victim to become desperate for clarity. More often than not, the victim searches for this clarity in the abuser. If the gaslighter is a liar and a cheater, they are now accusing you of being a liar and a cheater."

He is not reading anymore, shaken and blind against the concrete, lost in his head, overwhelmed, sick. He hasn’t made it home and no one is here to comfort him. Dapper does not have a camera and Max is still searching. He is very dizzy now, milk white with it, his rocking slowing on the concrete as he faints for a moment, a low moan sliding out of his teeth.

Anonymous asked: Alright, why don’t we hold off on the truth bombing tonight? Ro hasn’t exactly had an easy trip this evening so let’s just chill a bit?

Numb.

He’s a dead thing, he thinks.

He lies there for a long time.

Anonymous asked: Guys I don’t think this is the correct approach to this, especially since he’s just had a anxiety attack from a trauma trigger. Red, it’s okay. You’ve been thought a lot today and you’re in pain and loosing blood still, your priority right now should be to get somewhere safe and patch yourself up or get some help (Max I mean max). We can wait to talk about the more touchy feely topics until you’re safe.

Brain slush. Tired. Dry mouth. It hurts to blink.

Safe and patch up. Safe and patch up.

He doesn’t move. His tongue presses against his torn lips. He sighs. Sleepy.

Anonymous asked: There is much more to this world then guns and knifes and scary people. There are people that genuinely want you boys to get better, kinda like us. It’s scary to take a change but you aren’t going to get anywhere if you don’t. Remember what we said about that third option? Thinking outside the box beyond BNE and Anti as a solution? He could be it.

He stares at you, his eyes dull and glazed over with fatigue. Right now, he’d take a third option. He’s too tired not to. He just wants someone to hold him. The strange memory of Dapper that he has tucked away rises in his head again - soft white hands washing the blood away. Cleaning him and helping him to bed. His soft warm hair against his own. Good pressure. Warm Jameson.

And warm brown eyes, deep. Tiger. Sleepy.

Anonymous asked: Shit okay okay, guys fucking stop pressuring a guy on the brink of an entire meltdown jfc what is wrong with you people? Alright, Red can you hear me? You shouldn't sleep right now. But first deep breaths. In and out. In and out until you feel better. You have to find Dapper and then maybe go approach the guy Max earlier. It seems they're pretty worried about you in a personal level so they'll help you and Dapper some if you just asked. -🌻

Oh, help. And food and bandages - medicine? Tired. He rubs at his face and then shudders, drawing away to find blood on his hands. A quiver shakes his chest and he snuffles out a sigh, dazed.

Deep breaths. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…

Dapper.

Max.

He looks up at the sky and the buildings, trying to put the floating pieces of his own brain back together.

Anonymous asked: Red, can you hear us?

He looks at you, licking dryly at his mouth, his eyes fluttering. Eventually, he shuffles into a less awkward position, rising onto his calves and palms. You can see his whole body tremble.

He’s strong and he has been for a long time.

He reaches out to pull you into his hand. He’ll try to get up in a minute, he thinks. Oh, a coherent thought, is his second coherent thought. He laughs to himself, his head swimming. He’s a fish, pushing up silt, floating along the bottom of a black ocean.

Anonymous asked: Damn it, is there a way we can get Max's attention? There's no way Jackie got far, do we have a blinky light or something??

If Max can find him, the cops can find him.

Then again, figures Red dully, he said he had been looking for Jackie for a long time. Maybe he’ll keep looking. Even if the person he’s looking for is dead and has been for a long time. Red pulls at his hair, whimpering.

Anonymous asked: I have a feeling he’d forgive you if you asked him for help, love. He seemed to really, really care about you. He respected you too.

Yeah, he was nice, thinks Red, he was, he didn’t touch me when I told him to, he was okay.

Can’t start thinking like that, just lose him to Anti, just hurts more… No one would want him like this anyway. No, no pity party, no more fucking around, he had promised Dapper. He wants Dapper. He’s moving again, slow, his hand on the wall beside him, his head hanging low.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Hey Red? You're going to be okay, honey. You are SO strong. You will be okay. Right now, we need to get you help.

I think I freaked out, Red registers dully. I think I just flipped the fuck out.

He’s moving, oh. He didn’t notice. One foot at a time. There’s a blur of light in front of his eyes. A casino. He thinks maybe he recognizes it. The lights are pink. They caught his attention. But when? Which direction? He stares around him. He feels like he’s a sardine and the can around him was just peeled open and now the whole world is staring at his little wriggly body, his eyes fixed morbidly open. He tries to blink and it hurts his head.

Anonymous asked: Bring Max to Dapper, Red! He might be able to help both of you

“Where is he?” mumbles Red. “I knew him…”

Anonymous asked: Do you know which direction you came from? You could try to backtrack a bit to see if you could run into him.

He stares around him. Nothing seems familiar but the casino. Wait - a Subway, buried in the wall, dirty and silent at this time of night. There’s a dumpster out back. Tuna sandwich.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Is this where you found the food for you and Dap, honey???

“I guess,” he mumbles. “Love eating like a rat.”

He didn’t want to steal anything. Scared of getting in trouble with the cops. He laughs low in his chest. Nice work, Red.

Anonymous asked: Red, buddy, I know you're hungry, but please do not eat out of the garbage

“Not right now,” he sighs, turning in circles, trying to find out where he is.

Anonymous asked: Oh, thank god, a land mark. Red, do you remember the way back from here? Be safe, might be best to stay out of sight since you're... bloody and covered in bruising.

Good advice. He feels so gross. Suddenly, he has a desperate desire to see what was inside that room back at the house in the middle of the trees, Jackie’s room with the pictures and notes and newspaper clippings on the door, all arranged like there was something funny about it. He imagines a big, sunny room. The smell of linen and Febreeze, maybe a little sweat, too, but not too much. Clean clothes arrayed colorfully in a cool dark closet. Everything tucked neatly away. A freshly made bed. Green sheets.

He laughs to himself, confused by the thought. He doesn’t know why the sheets would be green. Pictures of his family on the bedside drawer. Laughter through the walls.

Anonymous asked: Sorry about pressuring so much at once. Sent all my messages right after each other, and I couldn't read how upset you were, Red. I feel cruel after seeing how much it upset you.

“Oh, too fast,” he laughs. “I get it. I’m supposed to be able to take it, right?”

He shivers slightly and adjusts his jacket.

“Everybody always expects me to. Anti doesn’t like to say I’m autistic, did you know that? He says I just freak out sometimes.”

Red swallows and glances around.

Anonymous asked: Shit. Can you turn back, Jackie? Retrace your steps?

He wanders down the street, turning his head side to side, the sense of familiarity growing a little. Is this close to where he carried Dap, with his body so heavy in Red’s arms, stiff and tired?

He looked after Dap. Dap let him. Dap rested.

Why does he never let Dap look after him?

Anonymous asked: What would help you right now, bud? Do you need to stop and stim for a second? A poem you like? Stay calm, it's gonna be alright

“No stimming,” he laughs wearily, swaying as he walks. “Way too much - way too much everything already. Too loud.”

A poem. His eyes water for a second. He pauses to rest and bows his head. He can hear Blue, but doesn’t remember the words, not well.

“Did you want to see me shaken? Bowed head and lowered eyes…”

Joy on his brother’s face.

“Ro? Ro? I don’t want to die.”

Be good, Blue.

This is the back of the motel.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: That doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, Ro. It just means that there's another part of you to love! We are all different. Just have to embrace who you are :)

“You guys are all crazy sweet,” he manages, wiping at his face, touched despite himself. “But you’ll have to wait til I’m a little less tired for me to appreciate you like you deserve. Maybe… maybe talk about it, I don’t know, I’m not really supposed to, but… maybe I should, sometime.”

Anonymous asked: Hey love it’s okay! Does anything seem more familiar now that you’ve identified that?

“Room number,” he mumbles, trying to remember. He knew it. He had it. He’s good with numbers. “I think… first floor, I…”

It’s gone.

“No, no,” he croaks. “How do I find it?”

Anonymous asked: Be safe please Red. You really need to be bandaged up. You had a backpack with you. Do you still have it? Is there anything in there you can use? Or, at least could you make a tourniquet out of your hoodie, for the bullet wound?

“Shit, that was a good idea, wrapping up,” he mumbles, slurring a little from fatigue. “Should have listened to you when I was farther away. Got my backpack. Not much in there. But the medicine I stole. Not even sure it’s what Dapper needs. And the machete. Oh, the key to the handcuffs…”

He reaches slowly around to get it out of the side pocket.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Red, you can listen to us or not. That is your choice, in the end. But get back to Dapper or go back to Max. You need to keep going, okay?

“Keep going, keep going,” he mumbles to himself, beginning to walk past the rooms. “I need help… I need someone…”

Anonymous asked: Bud, think about it, he didn’t attack you, when you asked him not to touch you he didn’t, in fact he backed up and showed you his hands so you could see them! He gave you honest information so that you knew who he was, not any type of lie. He said he wasn’t going to hurt you, and I’m sure he was scared or nervous after seeing you for the first time in ages, but he wasn’t going to hurt you. I don’t think he would have even thought about it. I know you don’t want to see him but he could help you.

“Do you really think he knew me from so long ago?” whispers Red, trailing dazedly around. “He told me he didn’t want to hurt me. He would be really nice if it were all true. I don’t know. I think sometimes the world puts shit in front of you just to make fun of you. Cause you can’t have it.”

Anonymous asked: You’re right, Red. You can’t keep doing it alone. Max could help both you and Dapper. Would you want to give it a chance?

“Probably drove him away now.” Red must pause to lean against the wall, and you hear him giggle, apparently for no reason. “Safer just to… stay away from people. You know? Do you? Sometimes I feel like you don’t get it at all, but then you say nicer things and I… I’m autistic, you know, that’s okay, like - I like to hear that, I do.”

He’s drifting a little, his eyes getting heavier, slurring worse. He laughs again. You think that’s a laugh.

Anonymous asked: Jackie, when you're not even showing trust in yourself that's a sign that you may need to rely on someone else a little. And sometimes trust requires a bit of faith first, and that can be daunting, but some help is better than none when you're spiraling like this. Max can help you, so can Dapper, and so can you you but you need to accept it first.

He’s beginning to shake again. Maybe shock. He’s very white.

“Should have let him at least… explain.” Red stumbles drowsily. “Would have liked to know where I knew him from. So pretty.”

He blushes red and giggles, nearly tripping again.

“So much blood on my jacket… fucking dirty… bet he thinks I’m g-gross. Compared with him? Pshh. Forget it. Dap? You hear me? I’m real tired, Dap.”

Anonymous asked: You'll have that, Red, all that and more, we promise. Just stay calm and retrace your steps.

“Okay, moving, moving,” he whispers to himself, trailing down the wall, and then - at last - he sees the little cuff wrapped around the doorway, and he remembers. Room 119. He chokes on the relief of it, but, fuck, does he really have to go in there as this much of a failure? Shit, but he wants someone to clean him up right now. So fucking gross. He hates blood. He never understood that about Anti, the way he would laugh while they were both coated in it. He just never seems to care about anything, and Red -

No, no, focus for two more seconds, Ro. It’s okay. He takes a deep, shuddering breath and grabs the doorhandle, fumbling with the key.

Anonymous asked: That's right calming breaths 1..2..3.. keep doing them until you feel like you have the ground below your feet again. For now don't think about the heavy stuff, don't think about the far future. Just think about what you and Dap need for NOW and that's a safe place to recover your strength. Once you're better you should go back to where Dap is, you'll probably run into Max but you'll be better prepared now. Just tell him you can talk later but you and your brother needs help now.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Ground beneath his feet. Run into Max.

For a second, he lets himself imagine it: the familiar stranger on the other side of the door, already looking after Dapper, so Red would know he was safe. He would see Red and hold his hands out all safe and slow again, and Red could let himself faint, and then - well, he’d just be forced to trust him. To use a little of that faith you were talking about. And maybe, then, oh, he can see it - he’d wake up bandaged and maybe even clean. Maybe even Max would get him something to eat. And wash his clothes for him. And say nice things. He’s so tired. He doesn’t know why he’s laughing. Was he supposed to be doing something?

There’s a faint, sleepy tongue-clicking from the other side of the door. Oh, right, the door. He pushes the key in, struggling to twist it, sighing as he hears shuffling in the bed and footsteps padding towards him.

Anonymous asked: Alright, alright, um... Do you see Dap anywhere nearby? As long as you get to Dap I'm sure we can explain things and you could get a lil rest from earlier. -🦀

“Dap?” he croaks through the door.

A whistle. A click. He glances up and sees a bright blue eye - oh, no, a little silver in it - staring back at him through the crack in the door, very wide.

“Oh, no,” he worries, finally unlocking the door and tumbling inside. “You - you okay, Dapper?”

Dapper stares at him, mouth slightly open.

“Blood,” he signs after a moment, pointing.

Red shivers.

“Oh, yeah,” he croaks, collapsing. “Almost forgot about that.”

Dapper’s arms catch him firmly.

Anonymous asked: Hey Dap, buddy can you hear me? Can you try to perform some basic first aid on Red for now? Can't have him bleeding out and all that. Just wrap some makeshift bandage, cloth, an actual roll of bandage, handkerchief or whatever around the wound and put some pressure on it. -🦀

Dapper, to his everlasting credit, is not frozen for one second.

He doesn’t remember much right now. It was a slow, tired night, fighting with monsters who weren’t real, trying to find his old name again, missing any comforting memory, and missing worse any company. He had a two hour conversation with his bear before he realized it was his bear, which was embarrassing even alone. He tried, for a few minutes, to break the beam of the door that held the handcuffs, feeling angry and malicious towards… someone.

But it doesn’t matter now. And it doesn’t matter if he remembers exactly who they were before or who they used to be to the other, because he remembers, if nothing else, how to take care of his family.

Alone for months and Anti never stripped that away, not deep enough, not truly.

He carries Red into the bathroom and sits him down on the seat of the toilet, tapping his chin to keep him from dozing off and whistling a song Red likes. Dermot Kennedy, he thinks. For Red, he knows that name better than his own right now. He is pulling Red’s hoodie off his head as his brother rambles.

“I need to tell you - I saw this guy, and he was like… oh, but Dapper, I shouldn’t have, like - like I need to apologize, I do, I’m sorry, I was dumb, I was really dumb and you told me so, but I didn’t want - I didn’t want - helpless, all the time, so tired of not being able to save you, and I - ”

Dapper cups his chin and pulls his head up so he can look at him. He tangles his hand in Red’s hair for a moment, pulling gently, before he draws away and signs.

“Don’t worry about anything right now,” he says softly. “Just let me look after you. We’ll talk later. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Red is crying. Dapper puts his hand gently on the back of his head and pulls him to rest on his shoulder. Keeps whistling, warm and slow, as he sees the bullet wound in his shoulder. No matter. He’ll get it out.

Just rest. He is stroking it into Red’s shoulder. Let me bear it.

Anonymous asked: Err, James? Why are your eyes silver?

“Sorry,” Dapper signs to you quickly. “A little worked up earlier. Thought I might have to change something. Maybe I still should? Convince him not to go? Then again, I don’t… remember where he was going. Confused night.”

He strokes his mustache for a second, eyes a little distant.

“No, no, I won’t be able to go back like this, not well, psychotic and not remembering. Can’t even find an anchor point. If I can’t remember what to go back to, I can’t go back to it. Is it fading, now?”

He peers at you, blinking. His eyes are not as silver as they were when Red left.

Anonymous asked: yes, it's fading - don't go back, JJ. Something important happened tonight

“Oh?” Dap tilts his head at you sweetly, still deep enough in his head that he’ll beg with his eyes for what he wants. “Important?”

He pauses and his eyes clear for a moment.

“If it’s just that he’s got my medicine, don’t worry, I’d rather he not be shot.”

Anonymous asked: Okay, good. Thanks for taking care of Red, Dap. He's pretty exhausted after all the emotional turmoil today so he really really needs you right now. Just give him some time to basically recharge. Anyway, Red met someone who knew the him from his old name. They've apparently been searching for Red for a while now and seemed really concerned about him. I was thinking maybe once Red's better you could convince him to go seek some aid from the guy if possible. -🦀

“Met someone?” Dapper tilts his head back and forth, thinking. “Maybe I will find him in my head sometime. Maybe not. Oh, go get help? I’m not allowed to leave my room… maybe Red or Anti would go for me?”

He is swiping blood rapidly from Red’s arm, barely pausing to talk to you moment to moment.

“I’m glad Anti is letting me be with my big brother again,” he confesses after a moment. “Even if only because he’s hurt. I used to always clean him up after he would go do his chores. And he would hold me.”

Dapper presses himself close to Red, getting a clear look at the bullet in his arm.

Anonymous asked: Hello Jamie, it’s been a very long night and em Ro here got shot and the bullet is still in his arm and he really needs a bath? Also we met a very nice man named Max and then Jackie had a meltdown in the street and that wasn’t great. Speaking of which if he’s comfortable with it could you give him a big hug for us? I would really like to give him a hug.

Dapper turns you away for a second and you hear a shout, seeing Red’s back spasm for a second, his muscles tighten, and then he groans and slumps down again. Dapper drops a bloodied bullet and his own bloodied knife into the sink and turns you back again.

Bandages, shit. He stares around the room. Towels will have to do. Anti won’t mind if he tears a couple up, right? He’s already started to get used to his new room. They move a lot. He scratched a picture of a duck into the wall when he was waiting for someone to come home to him. Maybe Anti will get him charcoals soon and he can really get into it. He grabs his knife, twirling it neatly in his hands before tearing the nearest towel into strips and beginning to tie his brother’s arm up.

He pauses just to hold onto the back of Red’s head for a moment. Dapper’s shirt is getting wet where his head lies.

Red cries softly against his neck. Dapper strokes his hair. Never his skin. Dapper knows. The important things stick around somewhere, at least some of them. At least enough of them. They are still brothers.

He wraps his arms gently around Red’s waist and squeezes gently, rocking them back and forth a little, on his knees with Red splayed across him, clutching wearily at his stained white dress shirt.

“Bath,” signs Dapper softly, getting to his feet.

Anonymous asked: No! No, I think that you don't have to go back. Red is... He'll most likely recover from this just give him some time and affection. It's prolly good that you guys have a possible person to go to now the person looked pretty concerned when he found Red. Seems that the guy, Max, knew him from Before. Also the silver is sort of fading now. -🦀

“Max,” says Dapper, signing out the letters, slow, thinking for a moment. “I don’t know… I’m not supposed to talk to anyone but my big brothers, so Red would know better than I.”

“He was a tiger,” whispers Red, clinging to Dapper’s shirt. Dapper pats the hem of his pants gently, Red nods, and a moment later you are turned towards the wall as Dapper helps him undress.

“A tiger,” you hear Red again, soft and a little weepy, and Dapper whistles his song clearly into the walls of the bathroom as the water comes on. Soft water laps around the edges of the tub. Red is breathing like he’s asleep already. The mirror fogs from the warmth of it. Dapper keeps whistling. Low and slow. Washing Red clean.

Anonymous asked: Jameson would if you let him, Red.

And this, as it turns out, is the most wonderful truth.

“I didn’t think it was you,” mumbles Red.

He feels a pointer finger tap along his chin. “Who?”

“A memory,” he answers, eyes closed, slumped down in the bath. Warm water slides down his neck. A washcloth sops him clean. Never just fingers - he hates, hates, hates flesh on his flesh - but the soft scratch of the washcloth on his skin. “Or a dream, maybe.”

Dapper is singing for him, a song he can’t remember anymore.

“This person who looked like you… cleaning the blood off of me.”

Dapper covers his eyes and massages shampoo into his hair with his free hand. Red isn’t sure if he’s asleep or not by the time the water begins to drain away and soft hands pull him out of the tub and begin toweling the water off of him. His hair is soft and fluffy and he can smell just soap now. His arm stings badly, but he’s had worse. What matters is that he’s being helped into clean boxers and then -

When was the last time he slept in a bed?

He can’t help but moan and he hears a faint, warm titter, opening his eyes to see Dapper standing over him, wet with blood and water, but smiling for him, small and concerned.

“But it was you,” he murmurs. “It was you who cleaned me up and put me to bed. I’d just… forgotten.”

“I always clean you up,” whisper Dapper’s hands, pausing to brush hair from Red’s eyes. “That’s what twins are for, right?”

Red stares at him.

“What?”

Warm blankets rise over him and sink down.

“You’re tired.” Dapper pulls the sheets to his chin and Red feels his eyelids drifting despite the questions sitting on his tongue. “Get some sleep. Don’t know when Anti will need you again. Have to rest.”

“Dapper?” Red tries, but he is already drifting away.

He feels, for a moment, the words “I love you” pressed against his heart. He’s so warm. He’s so tired. He thinks he manages to get the correct response out, but he isn’t sure. A warm weight sinks into the bed beside him. He curls closer to it in his sleep.

Tonight, this is the only truth that matters.

Dapper lies in bed beside him, and he watches over his brother.

Just like he does every night, right?

End Section Six of Chapter Three: Old Friends

[steebharringt0n]

sanctuary - part 5

summary: Subject 001. That’s what you’ve been called your whole life. You’ve known nothing but pain, violence, and isolation. You were their greatest secret weapon, but when your final mission is to ensure the end of the universe, you escape to Hawkins, Indiana to team up with Eleven and to put an end to all this chaos, once and for all - you just never expected to fall in love with the resident bad boy along the way.

rating: m

pairing: billy hargrove x reader

warning: graphic violence, slurs, abuse, curse words.

A/N: I am still completely floored by all your responses, once again thank you, thank you, thank you. PLEASE NOTE! I could not tag some of you! I think you have to update your tumblr settings to allow me to tag you! So if you asked me to tag you and you are not in this list, please check your tumblr settings!

tagged list: @thefandomzoneisdangerous @jujurandy @littlebrownngirl @harduy @art-flirt @bish-ima-clown @lynnskata @snakelaufeyson @creativedogs @nightshade7117 @letsloveimagines @sorry-didnt-mean-to-stab-you @sighsophiia @blackravena @universefinds @jesus-jagiya @justatadbonkers @thedarkartsstuff @asheseiler @rad-lad-gone-mad @sophiajiyeon @sweetamren @frostygilbert @hufflepuff-writings @strangerchalamet @frenchzodiacgirl @sadgirlnumber92899 @all-american-fangirl @eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy @solfolgi @magnitude101999

001. prologue 002. firestarter 003. spitfire 004. friend

--- 005. sister

“Mike can you please pass the marshmallows?”

Eleven sighed, looking at her boyfriend - who was fully engrossed in telling a story to Will - across the campfire.

“Mike?”

No answer.

Max nudged her on the side, “Just use your powers - he’s too caught up in telling Will what happened in gym last week - which by the way was totally gross” Max shuddered at the story, remembering what Lucas had told her in very graphic detail. Eleven nodded at Max, she turned her attention to the bag of marshmallows by Mike’s leg, staring at it in complete concentration. She inhaled sharply, and the bag started to move towards her. She felt her nose start to trickle with blood as Max quickly grabbed a napkin and handed it to her.

Mike stopped mid-story, noticing the floating back of marshmallows out of the corner of his eye, and turned his attention to his girlfriend, frowning, “Hey, I could have gotten that for you”

“She called your name like 3 times nimrod” Max spoke with a dry tone. 

Eleven quickly dabbed away at her nose, catching the bag of marshmallows as they landed in her hand. “It’s okay Mike, I didn’t want to interrupt you”

“Hey, hey hey! What did we say about using your powers! This is a strictly no power camping trip!” Hopper suddenly thundered, a tinge of anger in his voice. He appeared from one of the 3 tents that surrounded the campfire. Eleven looked up at her father, giving him an apologetic smile, “I’m sorry Hop” she quietly spoke. 

He sat down next to her, taking the bag of marshmallows from her lap and shoving one in his mouth. “This is supposed to be a relaxing weekend with your friends alright?” his tone much more calm with his daughter.

Eleven nodded quietly, taking the bag back from Hopper’s lap and grabbing a marshmallow and shoving one on her stick. She grabbed the stick and outstretched her hand so that the marshmallow hovered right above the flame.

“Careful El, don’t put it too much in the fire or it’ll burn and burnt marshmallows are not tasty” Mike chided in.

“Hey, hey, hey! Guess who’s back with dinner!” a voice suddenly announced from the trees behind Mike and Will. Out of the darkness appeared Steve, Lucas and Dustin, a triumphant smile on their faces. They all had fishing rods under their arms, but Steve was carrying a large cooler. He placed it near the fireplace, landing with a loud thud.

“Oh shit, you guys actually caught something?!” Max exclaimed, walking over and opening the cooler.

“Why must you always doubt us Max?” Lucas huffed, taking a seat next Mike.

“Because you’re boys, and boys are always to be doubted” she retorted back. She glanced into the cooler and saw 4 large cods. She loved her friends - her guy friends, but she would get sick of their nonsense every now and then. She loved that she found a friend in Eleven. Although Eleven was still learning about the outside world, she didn’t mind teaching her a thing or two.

“Okay, wow rude Max, I’ve been nothing but nice to you” Steve interjected, taking a seat next to Hopper and grabbing a stick near the fire. He reached over Hopper’s lap and grabbed the bag of marshmallows out of Eleven’s lap, earning him a dirty look from her.

“You know you could have, asked her for the bag right?” Hopper stated.

Steve shrugged, shoving 3 marshmallows in his mouth, “This is quicker”

Max scoffed, “And you wonder why you don’t have a girlfriend”

“Okay one, ow, two aren’t you like 12? What do you know about boys?” Steve questioned, shoving more marshmallows in his mouth.

“Uh one, I’m 14, and two I’ve been dating Lucas for the past couple of months, I know plenty about boys … “ she trailed off, looking over to Lucas and Dustin who were engaging in a heated game of Chubby Bunny, shoving as many marshmallows they could in their mouth. Max rolled her eyes, “See what I mean?” she gestured over to them.

“Hey, hey! Idiots! Stop shoving marshmallows in your mouth, you’re going to choke!” Hopper exclaimed, getting up from his seat and snatching the extra bag of marshmallows off of Lucas’s lap. The two boys frowned, but were hard to take serious since their cheeks were all puffed up from all the marshmallows shoved in there. 

Eleven quietly stood up and walked over to Will, who was surveying the chaos unfolding around them. Eleven liked Will, she enjoyed his calm presence. It was refreshing considering that Mike, Lucas, Dustin and Max could all be wildcards when they wanted. But not Will, he was always quiet, always standing in the background. Eleven took a seat next to him, a soft smile on her face as she adjusted her shirt.

“It’s nice isn’t it? To be away from it all for a bit” Will commented to her, continuing to watch as Max and Steve bicker, and Hopper scold Lucas and Dustin.

Eleven nodded, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs, “Yes … I like being with friends, outside, I don’t have to hide”

Will nodded. He had been through a lot these last couple of months. With the mind-flayer taking over his body, Joyce though it’d be a perfect idea to go camping with his friends. It would be a good way for him to reset with those closest to him. That didn’t stop his nightmares though. His PTSD would occasionally reappear in the smallest way. Whether it be something tickling his neck, or a cold draft through his bedroom. He always felt like he was being watched by it - waiting for the right time to reappear and strike again.

“Have you been doing okay Will?” Eleven asked, turning her gaze to the small boy.

Will shrugged his shoulders, “I’ve been okay, it’s been a couple of rough nights here and there but - “

Will froze.

His face suddenly paled, his eyes went round as he pressed his lips in a straight line. He lifted his right arm and carefully reached over to the base of his neck, his fingers ghosting his skin very delicately. His stomach dropped, heavily, as if it were being dropped down a roller coaster.

He wanted to vomit, he wanted to cry.

Eleven quickly took notice of his behavior, placing her hand on his arm. Her eyes searching for his, “Hey, are you okay?”

Will quickly snapped back to reality, twisting his neck to look at a concerned Eleven. He wanted to scream, he wanted to tell her what he felt.

But he stood quiet.

He swallowed quickly, giving Eleven a quick nod. “Yeah, just a bug on my neck” 

She gave him a half smile, squeezing his arm gently as she turned her attention back to Hopper who was trying his hardest to teach the boys and Max how to gut a fish. It was not going well. Eleven got up from her seat, now intrigued by the commotion around her as she stood next to Mike, looping her arm around his. But Will stayed seated, frozen, as fear slithered through his veins. 

He knew that feeling, he could never, ever forget that feeling of dread, of emptiness. 

It was back. The mind-flayer was back.

---

You stepped out of the warm shower, grabbing the white towel that hung from the door and quickly wrapping it around your body. You relished the feeling of being clean, feeling safe and warm for once in your life. You stood in front of the fogged mirror, wiping it down with your hand.

Taking in your appearance, you finally had some color to your face (besides the fading bruises). Your hair was glistening in the light, slicked back from being wet. You felt human, you felt normal for once. Glancing down at your wrist however, you knew that you could never really be normal. There was always going to be a part of you that was always going to be different. The three numbers etched on your skin proved it.

You sighed heavily, grabbing a smaller towel from the towel rack and quickly drying your hair with it. Grabbing a brush from the sink, you brushed your hair back, carefully drying the ends so that your shirt wouldn’t get wet. You put on the clothes that Nancy had let you borrow, a pair of athletic gym shorts that were a tad bit too small for you, and a large crewneck sweater.

You hesitantly stepped out of the bathroom where Nancy, Billy and Jonathan were quietly conversing. Billy still sitting on the couch while Nancy and Jonathan sat on the floor. Billy noticed you coming in and stopped mid-conversation, sucking in a tight breath as he did a double take, his eyes drinking in your figure as you took careful steps towards them.

The tiny pair of shorts showed off your long, toned legs, and if Billy loved anything besides a nice ass and a nice pair of tits, it was nice legs. He loved how the shorts showed off your figure, something that you were hiding underneath your other pair of clothes. 

He would never admit this to you however.

“Hey, wow, you look so much better” Nancy remarked turning her head around to you, Jonathan nodding in agreement.

You looked down at your bare feet, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear, “I feel better, I feel refreshed. I’m just really tired” you spoke gently.

“Well, Jonathan and Billy are about to head home. I brought down some pillows and blankets so you can crash on the couch. We can regroup tomorrow since it’s Saturday and hopefully we can get in contact with the kids and Hopper”

You nodded at Nancy’s statement. The three of them promptly then stood up, it was nearing to be 12 AM and your body was absolutely wrecked. You couldn’t wait to fall asleep on a warm, cozy couch. 

“Hey, I’m gonna let Jonathan out the front door. Billy you know how to go through the back door right?” Nancy asked the blond, who nodded silently at her. 

“I’ll see you in the morning okay? Just be sure to stay quiet - I don’t think my parents would be too happy to know I’m housing you” Nancy said to you, giving you a soft smile. You let out a laugh, “Yeah that’d be weird to explain”

Jonathan gave you wave as the pair headed back up the wooden stairs, leaving you alone with Billy in the basement. He walked over to you, towering over your frame as you shyly looked away from him. He took out his unused cigarette from his leather jacket and placed it on his lips.

“One more light for the road?” he mumbled to you.

You frowned, looking up into his eyes, “Nancy said you can’t smoke in here”

Billy let out a chuckle, “One thing about me doll, I don’t like to play by the rules”

He leaned in closer to you, cigarette still hanging by his mouth. You licked your lips as you snapped your fingers, holding up the flame to his cigarette as he took a deep inhale, then a loud exhale.

There was silence amongst the two of you as the thick smoke dissipated in the air. 

“Will I see you tomorrow?” you asked softly, tilting your head to the side.

His mouth twisted into a half smile. His mind quickly wandered back to a couple hours ago, how seemingly normal everything had been and in an instant he had suddenly been roped into this whole save the world plot with you. But he laughs to himself, his life had never really been normal anyways. He took the cigarette from his lips and stared down at you. He raised his free hand and brushed his fingers against the yellowing bruise by your eye.

You close your eyes, inhaling shakily as you lean into his touch. His calloused palm now rested on your cheek, his thumb making soft circles on your skin. His warm touch was something foreign to you, something you never knew that existed, a feeling that sent shock waves through your body.

Without saying a word, his hand quickly left your cheek. You opened your eyes and Billy turned on his heel and left out the back door. You stood planted on your feet as the loud roar of his camero left the neighborhood leaving you standing in the Wheeler’s basement in silence.

---

“Let’s spy on Billy!”

Eleven groaned, twisting her body over in her sleeping bag to face an eager Max who was wide awake at 12 AM.

“Max ... it’s super late ... I’m tired”

She weakly cracked open her eyes to see her red-headed best friend hovering over her, a wolfish smile on her face.

“Please, please, please! Last one, I know Mr. Wheeler wasn’t the most exciting person to spy on but Billy could be” Max pressed on.

Eleven sighed heavily, slowly sitting up and adjusting herself. “Last one okay?”

Max nodded happily, “Yes, last one, I promise”

Eleven reached over to her backpack and pulled out a black bandana, carefully placing it over her tired eyes. Max grabbed the portable radio that was by her sleeping bag and quickly messed with the knobs, until she reached a station that was playing nothing but static.

Eleven inhaled sharply and concentrated on the static. Her mind wandering through different channels until she reached a dark void.

Her feet splashed quietly as she looked around for Billy, but kept seeing nothing but darkness.

“Will I see you tomorrow?”

Eleven whipped her head around at the voice, trying to find where the source came from. She wandered around the void until she found Billy, his back turned towards her. She quietly tip-toed over to the blond, watching his movements carefully. Watching as he raised his hand and placed it on a girls cheek.

A girl.

“I - I see Billy ... he’s with a girl”

“Oh please tell me they’re not naked or anything” Max groaned.

Eleven ignored Max comments and continued to watch the pair. She watched the girl lean into Billy’s touch, his eyes intense as he held her cheek in his palm. Eleven had never seen Billy be so gentle with a girl before, let alone with anyone. If anything she was always told to stay away from Billy, but this, this surprised her.

She watched as Billy snatched his hand away from the girls cheek and quickly left through the backdoor.

The backdoor.

Wait, she knew that backdoor, she’s been through that backdoor.

“He’s at Mike’s house ... with a girl” Eleven stammered out.

“Wait, what?!”

Eleven quickly turned her attention to the girl standing there, frozen, as if being stunned by Billy’s soft touch. Eleven examined her features as she walked closer to her. Her face was bruised, her eyes weary, tired. She was wearing shorts that were too small for her, and a sweatshirt that engulfed most of her frame. She watched as you pulled up the sleeves from the sweatshirt, turning your body away from Eleven as walked away from her.

Then, she spotted it.

Eleven’s breath hitched, her eyes widening as she felt the blood drain from her face.

001.

There was the number, tattooed plainly on your wrist.

Eleven began to hyperventilate, the feeling of uncertainty gnawing at her stomach. She didn’t know what to do, she didn’t know what to say. 

“El?! Are you okay?! El?!”

Eleven ripped off the bandana, blood streaming down her nose as tears began to prick her eyes. Her breaths were coming in short pants as she turned to Max, a worried expression written all over her face.

“What did you see?!” she stressed, there was panic in her voice.

“I - I saw ... my sister”

[clonewarsreturns]

After Rugosa

(Chiha and Rafiime are @pixelchaos00​ amazing characters!

After debriefing her fellow knights on what had occurred on the moon of Rugosa, Taya found it impossible to focus. Across the holopanel, she could see her old Master, Matyu, watching her. As the transmission ended, she finally released the sigh she held back. The master smirked at the sight.

“Big day, huh?” The fellow mirialan moves around the holopanel as Taya rubbed her eyes.

“Not really.. just surprising, that’s all.”

“How was Rafiime’s padawan? Did she give you any trouble?” She shook her head immediately as she replied.

“Chiha was amazing. Very kind yet strong. You would like her.” Taya smiled at her old master before shrugging. “At least more than you like her master”

“Hey-I never did anything to the guy. Nakdaa and I just never clicked. Too much of a-“

“Stickler for the rules. You say that about all the masters.” Taya finished his sentence with a smile causing the Jedi to snicker.

“Well It’s because they don’t follow MY rules.” He nudged a fist against his old padawan’s shoulder before leaning against the holopanel. “You doing alright?” Taya blinked at the question with furrowed eyebrows.

“I’m fine, why do you ask?” Matyu rolled his eyes in response.

“You know I can read you. It’s all over your face.” The young knight blushed as she quickly reached for her face, resulting in a laugh from her master. “You know what I mean. Now what’s on your mind, kiddo?”

Taya knew it was impossible to hide from Matyu. He seemed aloof for a jedi but was actually very keen with the force. The moment he would ignite his violet sabers is the time people would stop questioning his abilities. Taya sighed as she rubbed the side of her head.

“On the field, there was a moment where I felt what Jace did. He had been struck by a blaster bolt right here,” She traced the side of her head trying to retrace the trail of the feeling. “I didn’t feel pain physically..it just stung on the inside..It became very hard to focus on the mission..knowing that he was hurt so badly..” The young jedi couldn’t look her master in the eyes as she spoke, nerves crawling through her. Once she felt brave she looked up at Matyu and watched him think. He scratched the stubble on his cheeks before responding.

“Well it’s clear you both share a bond. I’m sure you formed it when you were caved in on geonosis. The force can be a pain in the ass sometimes. It can tell when people are comfortable with one another and will overcompensate when they’re apart. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Taya. Have you checked on him yet?” Taya sighed with a shrug.

“Haven’t had the chance. Been caught up in all of this..” Matyu smiled fondly at Taya’s small form.

“Well listen, this Rugosa problem isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. You’ve done all the debriefing you need to. Go see him. That’ll tell the force to calm down about you two.” The young mirialan perked up at these words. Accepting his permission, Taya smiled at her old master before heading for the medbay.

The mirialan slowed her pace as she approached the medical halls. She was grateful that the rooms were empty for the most part since it meant minimal injuries. She hated that her men were caught off guard and would not let herself live that down easily. Though she knew the one person who regretted the day as much as she was just up ahead. Hops was a fine medic that was a part of the first group of clones to join the newly established 444th. The perpetually tired clone stood in the doorway examining a holopad when Taya approached.

“General!” He greeted with a quick salute straightening his posture. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“I was just coming by to check on Jace.” Her eyes wandered past the silver haired clone who stepped aside. What she saw was a startling image. The bandages wrapped around his head as was to be expected but what worried her was an odd instrument attached to the shaved part of his head. Taya moved swiftly as she reached his bedside in order to examine the strange thing. “I..I thought it was just a burn.” Without thinking she found his limp hand in hers as she watched his sleeping features. Hops joined her side before explaining.

“Bacta-Patch stated that he was experiencing seizures after the blast. When he was brought to me I ran a scan on his brain and found a strange blood clot. It was formed from the blast I’m sure. I performed a tricky surgery with the help of that blasted medic droid in order to remove the clot safely.” Hops placed a hand on Taya’s shoulder and gave her a knowing look. “I did what I could. He should wake up within the orbit.” Taya reached for his hand while looking at her friend.

“Thank you, Hops. I wish we brought you along.”

“Ah you didnt need me. Bacta-Patch is a great medic.” Taya nodded without turning her focus from her captain.

“You should get some rest.” The Jedi responded to the medic whose perpetually tired eyes  deceived him.

“I’m fine, General. But I’ve got some reports to sign off on. I’ll leave you two.” Taya simply thanked the medic once more before the room fell silent. She couldn’t help but hear Matyu’s words repeat in her mind.

-Geonosis-

Taya never really minded being short in stature before but being surrounded by these unfamiliar armored soldiers made her feel small. She held on tightly to the LAAT’s wristlet above as turbulence shook the ship violently. Master Matyu had taken a separate ship to spread out the forces. The padawan’s heart pounded in her chest but through the force she could feel her Master’s easing persona calm her. She closed her eyes and breathed to tune out the rattling of the ship. In her meditation she couldn’t help but feel the nerves of one of the unnamed soldiers close by. She peaked at the soldier whose armor had a yellow stripe. In the short briefing she heard that the accent marked troops were supposed to be the commanding of the clones.

“What’s your name?” She shouted over the rattling ship causing the trooper to jolt.

“Ct-4844” Taya was startled by the odd number system and shook her head. She could tell through the force that these men were just like any other living being, surely they had regular names.

“Do you have a name you prefer?” A couple troopers looked to their commanding officer as if to give away the truth.

“Captain Jace, sir!” Taya smiled at the name and nodded, committing it to memory.

“Stick with me Jace, We’ll get through this together!”  

The LAAT doors swung open violently causing the elements to flood in. Taya shielded her eyes as sand pelted her skin. Pushing through, she leapt to the surface and was followed by the troopers. They had been dropped right in the middle of a war that no one could’ve prepared for. Taya deflected each blaster bolt that flew her way causing her heart to jump each time.

After pushing on across the battlefield, Taya froze as she felt the ground shake beneath her. Her eyes darted to her squad who were focused on the enemy. In a split second the earth crumbled beneath them. Taya pushed with the force to land first in order to catch the falling troops. Amidst the swarm of Geonosians she maintained her footing and reached outward for her men. Her heart stung as she tried to feel the scattered troops through the falling debris.

Catching the falling troops, she laid them down carefully just as the scattered Geonosians took flight. Taya ran to the clone known as Jace who struggled to stand. She supported his weight while scanning the area. They seem to have landed in the epicenter of the geonosian tunnels. Clearly the Geonosians weren’t planning on the ceiling caving in since the civilians were taking flight in haste.

“How far do these tunnels go, Jace?” She asked as the troopers started to regroup amidst the debris.

“Ah..our scanners indicate that they lead to another cavern like this one.”

“Could the cavern have just as weak a foundation?” The trooper tilted his head at the question.

“It’s..hard to say. What do you plan?” Taya bit her lip while thinking of her idea.

“Those enemy tanks were not far from this position. I think that if we get beneath them we could cause a cave in and help the troops above.” The Jedi walked toward the tunnel reaching out with the force. “This way.”

The men followed her down the tunnel with haste. Taya’s teal saber illuminated the darkness as the troopers clicked on their flashlights. Uneasiness rose in her chest with each step in the darkness. She didn’t know much about the Geonosian homeworld but Matyu’s accounts were pretty accurate. Pushing through the darkness they eventually discovered the cavern Jace described. The darkness remained a pressing issue but the troopers stayed close to the Jedi.

“Alright, I think if we-“ Taya was suddenly hoisted into the air as strange noises filled the cavern. A Geonosian dug its claws into her shoulder causing her to drop the saber. She tried to hear Jace’s words over the swarm of geonosians. Laser fire swarmed past the Jedi as she tried to shake free of the Geonosian’s grip. A lucky blaster bolt skimmed her arm but struck the creature sending the two falling. Taya fought quickly to catch herself just at the perfect moment. She was thankful for all the impromptu catching lessons Matyu put her through. The Jedi was quickly met by Jace who knelt to her side.

“Sir? Are you alright?” Taya nodded before realizing the shivering saber hilt in his hand. She smiled before accepting it. The swarm continued above them causing the troops to continue blasting the ceiling.

“Keep shooting! Even if we miss the bugs we’re still weakening the surface!” She ignited her saber to help deflect the Geonosian counter attack. The barage of blaster fire was more than enough to cause dust to fill the air. Taya worried for her troops and ordered them to get close. Geonosians tried to pick them off but Taya was quick to cut them down.

She could feel the walls shake as her plan came to fruition. Bits of the ceiling started to give. A large piece of debris crushed a soldier who was too far from the group causing Taya to shut her eyes. She could’ve prevented that. She knew she could’ve. Once again she ordered the troops to close in. More and more debris fell causing anxiety to rise in the padawan. Any moment now the world would come crashing in and she had to be ready. The walls creaked hard as a giant machine above charged its cannons. She gasped as she extended her arms above her.

This was it. This was how she was gonna die. Force she wanted to see her master again. She wanted nothing more than for him to come soaring down from above. He was a father to her and was the only family she had. Debris hit her leg causing the padawan to drop to her knees. She tried desperately to focus on the rocks above her, praying she was strong enough. But force the weight was crushing her.

She suddenly felt a weight supporting her back followed by hands meeting her shaking elbows.

“Ive got you!” The trooper Jace’s encouraging words warmed the Jedi’s heart as tears ran down her cheeks. He tried to steady the shaking padawan’s body with his own as the ceiling came caving in. Taya prayed to herself the mantra of the whills

“I am one with the force and the force is with me..I am one with the force and the force is with me..” she repeated the words over and over with sealed eyes. The chaos around her quickly became obsolete as the force took control. All she could feel was herself and the clone alone in the force. This was the last thing she could remember of that wretched day.

—-

Taya sat in the medical bay with the captain, recalling the past. It was in a medical bay much like this one that she had been Knighted in. Looking at his sleeping features she took peace in knowing that he was there. She knew that she would’ve died in that cave if it weren’t for him. He gave her something to protect and the force saw to it. If this bond was the price of such an act then maybe it was worth it in the end.