#so eating in general has a good chance to just cause me pain

[planningisnotmystrength]

I have chronic stomach problems and that’s led to me having a weird relationship with food and eating in general but not always in a negative way. 

I have this weirdly anarchist approach to food sometimes. like, breakfast food is just food you eat for breakfast. only thing that sounds good is a cheeseburger? fuck it, we ball. you don’t feel like eating a whole meal? eat only snacky bits and random components, who gives a fuck?

as long as you’re checking the nutrition boxes and not inducing scurvy or anemia or something what does it matter if you eat waffles for dinner or spaghetti for breakfast? everything’s made up so you might as well make up a world where you’re not actively causing yourself harm for no good reason. 

[alicenotalice]

I’ve been following Etho for ten years and Joe Hills for maybe ten months, so a proper Joe Hills guy might have a different read—but to me they have equal and opposite energies as characters/personas/performers. They are both Just Normal Guys who are also Baffling Cryptids; but Etho is a faceless, bodiless entity who can cause colleagues and fans alike to pop their monocles and clutch their pearls by revealing mundane details about his physical reality (He eats sandwiches! He grows stubble! He experiences local wildlife! Stop, no more, my heart can’t take it!)

But Joe Hills of Nashville Tennessee, meanwhile, has built his whole persona around being...I’d say “uncompromisingly present.” The fourth wall is his canvas, his own self is the paint. Tune into a stream of his and you’ll likely be met with his giant, transparent, real life face imposed over the screen as he regales chat about his time at a local pinball tournament or the troubles of renting in Nashville

They are both weird little guys who’ve been around forever and don’t give a damn what the current prevailing wisdom has to say about how to run a gaming channel. And they’ve started crossing paths more and more, ever since TCG and DO2 and HC Vault Hunters—and for my small part I’ve found it wildly compelling!

Because—ok. Etho’s default mode in one-on-one collabs is to let the other person pick the play, and then back it. Figure out what the bit is and go along with it. Harmonize and amplify—which is how we got slapfights with Gem in the Decked Out lobby as well as “the ship burns, everything burns.” Meanwhile Joe’s improv comfort zone, to my eye at least, appears to lie upstream of whatever’s “expected.” He delights in the odd and surprising, he’s gleefully contrary, he’s helpful and wholesome, he’s a pain in the ass. King of malicious compliance, Joe Hills

A lot of their in-person interactions prior to the current season felt a bit like their cryptid energies cancelled each other out, leaving two Very Normal Guys having friendly if light conversation and being generally accommodating (the best example I can think of is Joe’s HC VH episode where Etho joined him on a cursed vault run). I suspect it’s because Etho was trying to defer to Joe to set the tone and pick the bit, while Joe was waiting for Etho to pick a direction so he could provide friction by running counter to it—so the banter never actually had a chance to start. That said! Both of them separately are charismatic performers who are very good at what they do, so even without a chemical reaction between them they manage to put on a good show…but imagine. Imagine if they DID have that reaction…

And that’s why the stonefrog deal is so fascinating to me—Joe Hills and Etho have a Bit now. A dynamic. A place where banter could theoretically happen. And that dynamic has gone through several tone shifts since Joe decided to lightly menace Etho by making the delivered stone shulkers spell out “Ethowo”

And again! It’s not like this is a major plot line in either of their videos! It pops up often on stream, but only because Joe spends most of his time there putting mountains into shulkers, and gets a lot of questions as to why he doesn’t just use TNT. It’s not a big deal…and yet. And yet!

[xjulixred45x]

I see a lot of Kusakabe talk lately. Can I please ask for General relationship HCs for our resident lazy sorcerer <3

FINNALLY SOME NEW CHARACTERS!!! I don't like Kusabake that much, but Def His memes makes me laugh so considerate it done. Thanks for the Request❤️

Atsuya Kusakabe General Dating Headcanons

Genre: Headcanons

Reader: neutral

Warnings: typical canon violence, some spoilers of the manga.

Okay, for starters, YOU CANT TELL ME THAT HIS S/O IS NOT ONE OF THE REASONS THIS MAN VALUES HIS LIVE SO MUCH!

We all know that Kusakabe, although he is quite strong, does not really want to risk dying and prefers tasks that do not endanger his life, such as evacuating civilians and facing minor curses.

partly because he appreciates his life...and partly because I don't think he wants to cause pain to the few people he loves (reader included).

He wants to LIVE HIS LIFE with his s/o, he doesn't want to die prematurely and leave them alone!

I firmly believe that if he had a partner they would probably be a civilian, because 1- then he wouldn't have to worry about them dying because of sorcery work and 2- he can finally have some normality and peace of mind.

TELL ME THIS MAN IS NOT LOOKING FOR TRANQUILITY WHEN HE IS THE TEACHER OF A GROUP OF SUPER POWERFUL CHILDREN. OF WHICH *TOUDO* HIMSELF IS A PART

I imagine him in part as a boyfriend-father, who, although he is usually quite serious, usually shows that he cares in other ways, such as asking if you have eaten, buying food if you haven't, going for a walk to clear your head if you feel overwhelmed. . that kind of things.

As I said before, he is someone who appreciates tranquility a lot compared to his rather hectic life, so I think he would meet his s/o somewhere where he often lives as a civilian, perhaps (similar to Nanami with the girl at the bread) from some place where he goes to eat after his missions.

You could say that seeing his s/o gives him a hit of dopamine.

THERE IS DEFINITELY NO WAY HE'LL LET HIS STUDENTS KNOW ABOUT HIS S/O. he wants to save himself from Miwa's constant teasing and questions.

although maybe after a while (and only to Miwa) he will show ONE (1) photo and brag a little about them.

There is also a possibility that he ends up talking a little about his s/o to Panda in Shibuya, just to calm down and not be so stressed, you could say that is the effect it has on him.

I can see him as a protective boyfriend, more than anything because just as he appreciates his life a lot, he appreciates his s/o's A LOT MORE, and will give him priority over that of others (he thinks it's appropriate, they are civilians after all).

There's not much chance that he'll end up running into his s/o during a mission, but that can either automatically lower his stress level considerably or raise it to unimaginable levels.

If it were a normal mission, it is most likely the first case, since there he can simply greet his s/o and have them go somewhere else for "safety issues" and be reassured that they are away from danger. even if it is a lesser grade curse.

Now, if his s/o were involved in a mission like SHIBUYA he's definitely losing his shit trying to protect them. and he is escorting them all the time with Panda to wherever it is safe and far from danger.

He grows green gray hair, as we say in my country.

It doesn't mean he's against his s/o going to see him at work! Quite the opposite, but he prefers that they go see him when he is a teacher.

I think he would especially like it if his s/o brings him food (whether made by them or bought) or something like that (more cigarettes/candy) and he is very grateful.

Although he doesn't like to share his love life with his students, he is DEFINITELY bragging to his workmates about how he DOES HAVE TIME for good things and that he doesn't regret anything >:)

He's like "that's what happens to you for not doing things the easy way, not like me, I even have an INCREDIBLE and very pretty partner😎" he's shameless.

I would say that his main language of affection would be compliments in a certain way, he knows what to say to get his way in situations where it is required, but with his partner that translates to what he knows what to say to cheer them up or make their day better. .

apart from the fact that he is much more attentive than one would think due to his vague nature.

He remembers his partner's main dislikes well, although he sometimes uses that against them to joke with them (for example, if they don't like bugs, he will chase them with a spider around the house) but he never takes it too far. It's just a little fun between the two.

Apart from that he knows very well when his partner really likes something or if he only says he likes it so as not to hurt his feelings, which is nice, but he prefers sincerity in those types of aspects.

very direct.

Let's say that just as he greatly appreciates his life and KNOWS that he could die at any moment, he doesn't want to waste time, so he is going to be as direct as possible with his s/o if what he wants is something lasting or something temporary, he will do it. which is very good for the relationship honestly.

I think his Achilles heel with the relationship would be PDA, I mean, he doesn't mind things like holding hands or kissing in public, but I don't think he does much more or at least with people around.

low key his s/o will be the one who initiates physical contact at the beginning.

The dates are usually either somewhere preferred by both (anywhere where salmon eyes don't work, please) or right at home watching ridiculous movies to disconnect a little from reality.

or even just be silent for a while with your s/o, at PEACE and let things flow in your head, this is what you do more than anything on a particularly bad day at work.

Sometimes he blurts out sudden thoughts about thoughts he's keeping from work to his partner, it's completely unintentional, but it helps him open up more honestly to his partner.

He's generally pretty open about almost everything, EXCEPT his job, so his s/o has to appreciate those kinds of moments of vulnerability.

As for issues of, for example, settling down, I think he wouldn't be against it at all.

His job already causes him enough stress, it is not unreasonable to think that one day he would like to retire and function alone as a teacher or some other common job (anything seems like baby play compared to cursing).

Along with that, I can see him in this case proposing to his s/o, wanting them to be in his life permanently and "officially" so to speak.

As for the children...I don't think he would want in the first place. He just doesn't see anyone he likes (he can barely stand his own students, my God), so he could be fine with an s/o who has that same opinion.

Did you see that Kusakabe has a sister named Usami? the one who was devastated by the death of her son so they gave her something similar to Panda.

I imagine that Kusakabe would take VERY much into account if his sister likes his s/o to continue the relationship, Usami is one of the few people he cares about and believes that it is appropriate to have her approval.

Can you imagine if Kusakabe had met his partner through his sister? That would be nice

Probably his s/o is also one of the few people with whom he confides secrets like about his sister's son, I don't think he reveals important things about work, but he definitely lets his s/o know that it is for the greater good and especially for their safety.

I saw on the wiki that apparently he likes fishing, it would probably be a hobby that he normally likes to do alone, but if his s/o shows interest, he will try to teach them the basics in a decent way and have them form their own opinion about it.

He secretly hopes that they like it, but no pressure.

Kusakabe wants them to share the hobby because they both like it after all, he doesn't see the point in it being just to spend time together if they don't enjoy it :/

Now, going to the elephant in the room, a s/o sorcerer or part of the academy.

It would be more useful in the aspect of seeing each other often, since they would constantly see if their s/o is a teacher in Kyoto as well.

They could even do joint classes to teach their students an ear of tricks (and that way he doesn't have to give it all alone). ironically the students would respect the s/o more than their normal sensei.

Even if the s/o was from Tokyo, it's not that there would be a serious problem in seeing each other, they send him on missions nearby often, so they could take advantage and see each other after finishing work or better yet, go on missions together.

The problem would be that his more protective side comes to light, which is not necessarily bad, but it can be somewhat annoying.

always puts the s/o behind or does the work before the s/o can do his part, especially if it is a mid-grade curse.

which can be irritating because HELLO, they are of the SAME RANK, they are supposed to be able to do the same things.

Kusakabe should learn to stop being so scared when his sorcerer s/o goes on a mission with him and let them do their job.

Even if we're honest, after that phase, they make a good combo, especially if your s/o encourages you to get out of your comfort zone and not be so lazy.

It would be like the dynamics of "no energy" and "a lot of energy" in short.

He finds it adorable that they believe in him so much, but at the same time he thinks they should be less naïve before the world of Jujustu swallows them alive.

He still liked the idea of settling down, but in this situation it will have to be his s/o who takes the first step. It's a feeling.

In general, if you are one of the few people this man cares about, rest assured that he will not take your affection or your company for granted. He will appreciate it as much as he can and APPRECIATE you as much as he can.

He just wants to live another day. hopefully with you.

Shares, reblogs and comments are very welcome!

Thanks for the Request ❤️

[ffjj5]

I'm not broken, just bent 😔

So I don't know if the joy of being a peri menopausal woman is the reason I feel as I do, or if it's frustration from having a difficult boss who often forgets we are all human and also have a life outside of work. Maybe it stems from that lifelong feeling I have had of never being good enough ( which is a whole other story involving step parents, step siblings and a dad who prioritized his new family over his own child.) If it's me still adjusting to living with a chronic condition that causes me regular pain and limits my ability to do the things I used to do without a second thought. Or if it's just that the world is going to hell in a hand basket, but right now I just feel like I want to scoop up all my favourite people ( and my cats of course) and just disappear somewhere where we can all just be us, have fun, cry, laugh, sleep, get drunk and declare how much we love each other, play boardgames, eat good food and just forget it all.

This is the shit I want...

I also want peace, the chance to shut out all the noise, to just sit and be.

Jungkook zoning out when he gets overwhelmed is something I can relate to a lot more over the last 18 months. There are many times I have just shut myself at home on my days off because I neither have the desire or drive to go out.

It's too peopley out there.

On a daily basis in my job I deal with the best and worst of the general public and I can't lie, it has made me like people less 😬

All this being said I am not a miserable old women who sees no joy in the world. I have the best friends both near and far, and I have the best daughter who is my best friend and an eternal source of joy and love. I do things that make me happy and I spend time with those most precious to me and we have the best times.

There is just something not sitting right at the moment and I just wanted to put it down in writing as this in itself is very cathartic.

As always there is a BTS song that makes me feel seen and understood 😭😭.

God I love these men 💜

[hangmanssunnies]

Good Comes In 3

House We Share: Double Tap, Sfumato, Good Comes In 3

Summary:  You and Jake navigate what it means to spend six months apart. Then, when he does come home, you two have to evaluate precisely what feelings you have for each other and also what a future together could mean. You just aren't sure he will ever forgive you for starting a puzzle without him. 

Pairings: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Fem! Civilian! Reader, minor Javy "Coyote" Machado x OC

Word count: 34K

AO3 Link

Warnings: Angst with a happy ending, Abuse (Implied), Slow burn, routines and compulsions, Jigsaw puzzles, Rejection, Drinking, Arguments, Yearning, Deployment, communication, Fertility problems, miscarriage (discussed), menstruation (discussed and lightly described), close female friendships, Depressive episodes, PTSD, roommates to lovers, love confessions, hyper-specific!Jake, Neurodivergent coded! Jake. Please let me know if I missed any for this part; I know it is a long one.

An: Unfortunately, this last part was too long to post altogether here on Tumblr. So I have included the first half here, the rest can be read on AO3 though. My first reblog of this here on Tumblr has the other half as well. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you all for loving this version of Jake. There were so many things I wanted to include and finish off for these two. While I couldn't include everything, I hope you enjoy what I did.

Thank you so much if you take a chance to read this work. I hope you enjoy it. My inbox is always open if you want to let me know your thoughts. Reblogs with your thoughts, opinions, and tags are gold to me. I love reading through them.

"Jake looked tired. Has he told you how he's been sleeping?" Marlee asks you curiously while chatting with you on the phone. The question causes your stomach to roll in a deep dive, and it takes you a moment to find the composure to respond. 

"No, I haven't heard," you manage to tell her. Setting down the piece of fruit you had been about to eat, you lean back against the kitchen counter. 

"Ah, well, will you ask him about it whenever you next talk? He wouldn't answer Javy or me about it when we asked."

"You and Javy are joined at the hip, practically the same person sometimes. Do you find that shocking?" You ask Marlee teasingly. Marlee chuckles at your comment. Her smile betrays her true feelings, though she likes how in sync she and Javy are generally considered. 

"We are sometimes." Marlee concedes but then says frankly, "But even when Javy had his individual call with Jake, he wouldn't say. And you are the only other person I can imagine him opening up to," 

"I'll mention it next time I talk to him," you manage to say. It would just be one of the many things that you were supposed to be talking to Jake about on his deployment. It was easier to go along with their assumption than to flay your chest open and let the hurt you felt pour out. 

Sometimes it's better, easier, to keep the kind of pain you felt to yourself. Bundled close and protected. To expose it would just make it hurt all the more. The idea of anyone, especially your closest friends, knowing you weren't important enough, or you had scared Jake away, or made some other mishap was mortifying. How could you go about explaining what had transpired? You weren't sure you could explain it. Also, Javy and Marlee had plenty of other things and people to worry about without having to add you higher on their list than you were already placed. You felt bad each week when one of them called you to check in begging, sometimes demanding that you hang out with them. 

"Okay, I'll talk to you later then, babes. I love you!"

"I love you too, Marlee," you say, giving her the sweetest, kindest tone you can muster up. You end the call and walk over to the chalkboard in the kitchen. 

Jake normally would draw seasonal decorations on it, but you had cleared it to be blank for notes months ago. The only thing on the board is a list you had titled: things to talk to Jake about. You add 'sleeping habits' to the bottom and frown. Reading through the list makes tears prick at the back of your eyes, and a lump forms in your throat. You hold the eraser poised for a moment, ready to trash the entire list, but you don't manage to follow through and drop the eraser, letting it fall to the ground. 

You walk through the house, checking the locks and turning off the lights. The sadness and frustration you feel in you is still bubbling as you pass where Jake had unceremoniously left the large Juniper chest. You glare at it just like you do every night. 

The morning Jake left, he'd woken you up with his thumb tracing your pulse point. His soft mostly lidded eyes trained on you, neither of you said anything just laying there quietly memorizing the moment. Neither of you could bear to get up until after the third alarm rang. The sun still hadn't crested the horizon when Jake went to shower. While he was occupied you stole one of his large Navy shirts that had been washed so many times it was soft. You are reluctant to leave his room, but make your way to the kitchen starting some breakfast and Jake's morning tea. You were just adding the dollop of honey he likes when he came downstairs, fully dressed and ready to leave you. 

Jake thanked you sweetly, with a kiss pressed to your cheek. In the same breath he tried to steal the whisk out of your hand. You danced out of way holding the whisk out like a sword to ward him off. He had quickly grabbed the masher from the utensil jar and brandished it in response. Amusement filling his features. After a small chase around the kitchen which included a small clash of utensils, Jake got his way. You loved the way Jake's eyes crinkled and how charming his dimples and smile lines were. It was a look you almost always got anytime you let him do things for you. Jake had still let you help though, asking you to toast the sourdough bread, while he whipped the avocado, goat cheese, and honey together. Once it was the constituency he liked, Jake spread it on the toast sprinkling some sea salt on top. He made one for you as well, but you had already started cooking three eggs for him, and didn't really have an appetite. After Jake ate, you spent every minute waiting for Coyote to arrive for pick up wrapped tightly in Jake's arms.  

"There is one last thing I need before I go," Jake had said. 

"I can't give it to you this time," you said muffled, trying hard not to cry on his whites. 

"Just one smile." Jake pleaded with his large warm hand lifting your chin so he could stare at you intently again. 

"No, Jake." He frowned at your answer, eyebrows pulling tight together. 

"I suppose I've reached my limit on things I can take from you." Jake puffed out with a quiet sigh. The tip of Jake's nose had dragged softly across your forehead before pressing a soft kiss to the center. He lingered there, breathing you in.

"Thank you for everything, my sweet," Jake whispered quietly. 

Your breath hitched in your throat, and you tried to pull him as close and tight to you as possible again. Jake allowed you to hug him, but he didn't relax into the embrace like he normally would have. He was almost stiff in your hold, but one of his hands traced slowly over your back in a soothing motion. When Coyote's headlights had inevitably shown through the frosted window on the door, Jake carefully detangled himself from your arms. He lingered though practically trembling. 

"I can't do it," Jake whispered, leaving his forehead pressed to yours. 

"It's not optional, and there isn't anything Hangman can't do. Let alone something you've done before," you reassured him. It didn't seem to work as he tensed up more.

"Promise me you'll be okay," Jake had begged you. You had nodded yes in response, saying the word would have tasted too close to a lie. Jake's nose nudged yours and he asked again. The second time was much closer to a desperate demand, "promise me." 

"If you be safe," you had compromised, wanting to savor every second ticking by that you would never get back. This last time you would be in the same space sharing the same air, for an undetermined amount of time. With a resolve you knew you didn't possess, Jake mouthed the words goodbye he was so close that his lips brushed yours as he did so. With a shaky inhale, Jake stepped away from you. His first two steps hadn't hurt so much, but the third as he exited the front door took all the air with him, including the bit trapped in your lungs. It was a sense of instant emptiness you had never experienced before. Everything you wanted to do seemed impossible when you couldn't even breathe. So there was no running after him for one more stolen moment, no collapsing against the floor, sobbing until your throat was raw, no more reassuring green eyes you could look to for comfort. 

The hollow feeling that nestled into you was hard to find your balance with. You had thrown the lock on the door and stumbled through the house, ready to retreat back into Jake's bed. Well aware his scent would be gone sooner rather than later, you were determined to imprint as much of it to memory as possible. You are blindsided by pain shooting up your foot as you unexpectedly stubbed your toe. Cursing and looking down you realized there was now a new piece of furniture. Jake had left a hand made juniper chest Jake left sitting in the area between the living room and dining room. On top was a small note card with a watercolor of two very detailed puzzle pieces. 

You stare so hard at the water colored pieces trying to parse their meaning the focus of your visions started to blur. The rapid blink forced tears to lubricate the area. However, when there is one tear there are others quick to follow. Just as a tear had splashed against the edge of the card you recognized the duplicates of the last two pieces you and Jake had double tapped into your last puzzle. On the back of the card stock was the drawn design of the chest, with all of Jake's neat measurements noted. You traced over his neat handwriting, and you were quick to quell your disappointment not finding more. That confusion and disappointment was impossible to ignore when you had gone to see what was inside and it was locked, the latch refusing to open. 

Now, after 6 and ½ months of radio silence, the chest taunted you. His entire deployment, there hadn't been a single word to you. Your only source of information was occasionally hearing from Coyote and Marlee about how Hangman was doing. And there was the memory of him, a large empty house, and a locked chest that was too heavy for you to move. 

You kick the side of the chest as you walk past it. It has become a tradition for you – this small abuse of the furniture while pacing before bed was a small soothing habit that helped you work some of your worries out. Once the feeling of missing Jake had settled into a dull, steady pain there was room for anger. You were furious and the only thing you had to take it out on was this beautiful work of craftsmanship. Unshockingly, the chest had been well made – because why would Jake make something that was easy to take your anger out on. He couldn't even give you that small concession. Even though you aren't as angry anymore, kicking the chest has become a part of your nightly routine. 

The chest didn't just bother you because it was locked or a surprise gift you hadn't asked for. It also bothered you because of what it was made from. The juniper wood Jake used didn't match the boards he used for the puzzle table, which was a more common light juniper. The boards for the chest were such a deep red it looked purple. Jake made it from one of the logs that you had helped him strip. Seeing the chest felt like a reopening weeping sore; one bleeding from a formally treasured memory that was nestled close to your heart. 

…

Saturday mornings were always a wild card with Jake.It was the one day of the week you could never be 100% sure what his plans were. There were staples you could expect like his morning run, but after that who knew? Sometimes he would have plans to see his friends, other times he had a project, list of chores, plans with his "little brother", manuals to read or some other all day activity. He liked it to be all day. So Sometimes you liked to just lounge in the living room waiting to see what he was going to do before making any plans of your own. 

 "Hey, I'm going on a drive and run some errands. Anything you want me to pick up?" Jake says to you when he comes down the stairs one Saturday morning. 

"Oh, can I come with?"  

"Sure, if you want. It's going to be boring though," Jake warns you. 

"No, it won't," You protest, standing up and stretching. "I'd rather be with you. As long as you don't mind me tagging along?"

"Yeah, of course, sugar. I never mind when you tag along." Jake says with a wide smile. 

"Well, what's the errand so I know how to dress?"

"I'm going to meet an old friend." 

"Oh my god. Please be less ominous Jake"

"What would you like to hear, sugar?"

"Who exactly are we meeting?"

"We are meeting up with my friend, Jess." 

"And?"  

"And, and, and," Jake says, twirling his hand around the air before dramatically pointing to his watch. "We are already 4 minutes behind our schedule. I'll tell you right now that this is cutting into our farmers market time." "Farmer's Market is on the list?" 

"Of course it is sugar. And so is Target," Jake says in his ‘duh-voice’ that you actually hate, but also you love because it reminds you how easy this is supposed to be. How it's not supposed to be a second thought. The things you like are included and planned for without you having to ask.

You are scrambling up the stairs to get ready when Jake calls after you. "You don't actually have to rush!! I'll make up time on the road."

"You know I don't support your excessive speeding Jake!" you call back, grabbing what you thought you would need. 

"Bring socks for your heavy boots!" When you make it back downstairs Jake is tapping his pen aggressively against a notepad. 

"What am I going to need boots for?" You ask him suspiciously while going through your items. 

"Do you want car snacks? I packed some, and we can always stop to pick something else up." Jake asks you glancing up from his paper. 

"We don't have to have snacks; I know you don't like eating in the truck." 

Jake just shrugs and opens the door to the garage for you. "It's not a big deal, I'll add the car wash to my list for tomorrow." 

"I also got your truck slippers so you don't have to wear your boots for the drive," Jake tells you. It's so sweet you want to grab him in a tight hug. You squeeze your hands tight instead, waiting for the urge to pass. Jake helps you up into the passenger side of the truck. Just as he said, the soft fuzzy blanket you like, and the slippers Jake got you are laid out waiting. Jake helps you out of your boots and into the slippers, setting them in the back seat for later. Once you are fully settled and buckled, Jake closes your door. He checks that the garage door is locked before jumping in the truck himself. 

"Was I quick enough for you not to aggressively speed?" you ask when Jake gets into the driver's side and checks his mirrors. 

"I would hardly call it speeding," Jake complains. 

"It's a number above the speed limit sign. Therefore, it's speeding." You say, explaining it.  

"I literally fly ten times as fast as car speeds. Well, more like 9.9 but still when you round up. It's ten." Jake responds, 

"That is no excuse to be going 120 miles an hour, Jake." You say while rolling your eyes. 

"I'm just saying. I am perfectly capable of controlling a fast vehicle," he argues. 

"That's fine, and I am not invalidating that. However, you know just as well as I do, that everyone else doesn't have that same ability."

"You are so sassy!" Jake teases, clearly deciding to let the faux argument go. 

"I'm the sassy one? Sure," you say sarcastically, drawing out the word. However, you also decide to let it go. Instead you enjoy the start to your drive, getting music going and adjusting the temperature controls until they are just right. 

"So," you say after a bit, drawing out the word. "What are we driving to do?"

"It's nothing," Jake responds with a shrug. 

"Really? Nothing is the justification to wear the work boots you got me?"

"You can't live with a bit of mystery, can you?" Jake asks, but there is affection laid into his words. 

"No," You concede with a joking sigh, "which is what makes you so infuriating sometimes."  

"I do strive to live as a man of mystery," Jake says amused.  

"Oh really, is that what your next move is? Retire, so you can become an American James Bond?" You tease him. 

"I'll admit it. You got me figured out. What gave it away?" Jake asks jokingly but not as quiet as bright as before. You shoot him a look, but his smile is still firmly in place. 

"Honestly?" You ask him hesitantly. 

"Yes Ma'am. They do say honesty is the best policy."  

"It's the fact that you refuse to grow facial hair. I'm convinced that it's because you want to save that for a disguise." You say, almost giggling trying to picture Jake with a beard or mustache. You expect Jake to laugh too, but he doesn't. After a slightly too long pause, he forces out a strangled laugh, and you realize that you've misstepped somehow. 

"Talk about it or leave it?" You offer trying to sound natural and keeping the pushiness you felt gnawing on you out of your voice. Jake takes a deep measured breath, exhaling out slowly through his nose. He drums a staccato on the steering wheel before responding. 

"Can we leave it please?" Jake eventually requests. 

"Facial hair or James Bond?" You ask, wanting to clarify. 

"Both, please." 

"Can do." 

"Thank you," Jake breathes quietly. Then he offers his right hand to you across the center console. You only wait a moment before slipping your fingers to slot in with his. He squeezes your hand affectionately and you both seem to take a deep breath to try and ease some of the uncomfortable tension. Jake's thumb tracing softly against your skin.  

"I'll tell you if you really want to know," Jake says a few miles later while his eyes stay trained on the road. You think about whether you really want to press him for details. As much as you want to know, you don't want to ever force Jake into sharing something with you if he isn't completely comfortable with it. 

"Nope, it's fine. Keep your mysteries, Hangman, I'll find out eventually." You finally respond, pulling Jake's hand up to press a kiss to the back of it, making sure he understood your innocent intentions. He chuckles good naturedly and his hand flexes at the movement, tightening its grasp on yours when you set them on the middle console again.  

"That's good. I appreciate you." 

"I appreciate you more," you tell him sweetly, though you mean it very genuinely. Jake pulls his eyes from the road to flash a heavy frown of disapproval your way. 

"I don't think that's possible," Jake says with passion.

You just shrug, letting the conversation drift to the next topic, just enjoying the drive with Jake. It is a while before Jake pulls off onto a private road that leads up to a massive barn, and you still don't really have any clue where you are or why. Jake throws the gear into park, the truck in park and shoots you an almost gleeful smile. 

"Jake, where are we?" You ask him again. 

"Just my friend's place," he answers.Then,while reaching over and patting your cheek affectionately, says, "You, my sweet, can stay here." 

"Do I have to stay?" You ask him nervously, checking the mirrors on either side of you. You know once Jake leaves the truck and into the barn you won't be able to see him anymore. The idea of being alone here, somewhere you don't know, even in the truck makes you uncomfortable. 

"I just didn't want you to have to walk through all the mud," Jake says. 

"It's okay," you tell him reassuringly. "That's why you had me bring my boots, right?"

"Yes, but you just look snug as a bug. I didn't want to make you move," Jake replies. 

"I don't mind, it will be nice to get out of the car. And I want to meet your friend." 

A moment later Jake is opening your side of the truck and helping you into your boots, tying up the laces for you and ignoring your protests that you are perfectly capable of doing that yourself. Jake helps you out of the truck and holds your hand, helping you walk over the uneven ground carefully. You can smell it before you see it. The fresh woodsy scent permeates the air so heavily that you can nearly taste it. 

Subverting your expectations, Jake does not lead you to the large frame equipment sliding doors of the barn. Instead, he leads you around the nearest side where there is a small typical sized door. Opening the door, Jake reveals a huge workshop. Half of the large barn space is filled with massive logs, planks, boards, and other cuts of wood. The other half is full of various projects, a giant tool bench, and shelving making up an impressive workspace. 

"Oh wow," you breathe taking it all in. You look at Jake and he is positively gleeful, maybe even more excited than a kid in a candy shop. His grin is wide, looking around and leading you a bit further into the workspace. A soft Jingle plays in the air, penetrating the otherwise quiet atmosphere when Jake closes the door behind you. 

"Seresin, that better be you!" A voice calls out from the back of the barn.

"And it if ain't?" Jake calls back playfully. 

"Then you should know, I've got a gun I ain't afraid to use, and you're trespassing." 

You almost let go of Jake's hand in alarm, but he gives you a squeeze reassuring you. He leads you a little further into the warehouse, and a middle aged woman comes in through one of the open doors. 

Jake lets go of your hand to give her a warm hug. She hugs Jake back lightly before pushing him away with a playful shove.

"It's good to see you too, Jess," Jake grumbles, dodging out of the way of her playful punch. 

"Hi, I'm Jess. It's nice to meet you." She says turning to you and offers you a warm smile

You introduce yourself a bit shyly, but feel more confident when Jake's hand slips back into yours. 

"Have you known this pest for long?" Jess asks you while gesturing to Jake. 

"Jess, be nice. I am literally your favorite customer and the son you never had," Jake complains. 

"Paula and I were actually very conscious in our choice not to have children, Jake," Jess says, clicking her tongue at him. 

Jake pouts and you can't help but giggle a little at the sight. "I've known him for a bit, yes," you respond. 

"Well, even if he is annoying, you've found yourself a good man," Jess says. You wait for Jake to correct her. When he doesn't you start to do so yourself but Jess has already changed the subject and started walking to the other side of the warehouse with a gesture for you to follow. 

"So, I got them fresh this week. And just like you requested, I'm letting you have the first freshcut pick, even before me." Jess explains to him. 

"I knew you loved me," Jake gasps grinning wide. Jess huffs out a breath at Jake but doesn't deny Jake's accusation which just makes Jake grin wider. Y'all walk to a pile of grey logs stacked close to the large barn doors.

They start a conversation that completely goes over your head, something about soil conditions, chain lengths, altitude, sap, and other details you didn't know impacted wood. You take this opportunity to look around the shop, and appreciate all the different types of wood and tools. You have only slightly lost focus when you suddenly realize Jake has said your name and is looking at you expectantly. He quickly picks up that you missed the question though, so he repeats it gently. 

"You should pick our first one, Sugar. Juniper was your idea." 

"Oh, I just pick one?" You ask looking at all the logs. Besides the fact they were different widths they all looked pretty much the same to you. 

"Yes, Ma'am," Jake confirms. He leads you to the ends of the cuts and starts talking about grains, and the potential knots and twists that would be in the wood when you cut into it. Jess leaves y'all to decide, saying she'll go grab her forklift to make getting the selections into Jake's truck easier. Jess declines Jake's offer to drive with a snipe about how he isn't forklift certified. Jake's muttered comeback about how he could be forklift certified if he wanted makes you roar in laughter. 

You eventually pick a trunk that overall doesn't look too special, but Jake said it looked like it would be easier to work with because of how sticky the sap was. Jake makes two other selections and also insists on helping Jess get the wood into his truck. 

Jess invited you to an early lunch where you met her wife Paula. Paula had clearly been prepared to host and spent the whole meal fawning over Jake. While Jess might deny treating him like a son, Paula certainly leans into it, and you can tell Jake doesn't mind from the glowing smile that stays on his face the whole time you're at their home.  

As promised Jake had planned time to stop at the farmers market, and an outlet mall, that included a target, where two do some light shopping. Finally picking up Jake's drycleaning on your way home. It's a fun day, and you were thankful you had decided to tag along.

"So Jake, are these for what I think?" You ask him excitedly when you have finally made it home and he is pulling the logs into the garage. 

"It definitely might be. After all, this is fresh Juniper." 

You stare at the grey logs of wood with their mossy, splintering bark that has already made a mess in the garage. Examining the wood you try to compare it with the Juniper you have seen in the past.

"I didn't think it was that color," you tell Jake scrunching your eyebrows together in contemplation. 

"Well, the wood isn't actually grey, just the bark," Jake explains. You watch as he pulls two pairs of work gloves from the workbench. He jerks the larger pair on, you realize with adoration that he had gotten a pair in your size. Jake doesn't hand the gloves to you, rather just leaves them out as an offering if you are interested in participating. The casual no pressure offering makes your chest warm and stomach flutter. Biting your lip you try to contain the grin threatening to split your face before joining him at the workbench and sliding the gloves on. 

Grabbing two chisels, he throws one on his belt. Then he picks up alo with two hammers, hanging both those on his toolbelt as well. You start to get distracted by the way Jake's tool belt sits on his slim hips. 

"Yes. Jess managed to expedite it for us in a special order. I'm so excited. You see, in the spring the sap warms up and it runs through the tree so it allows us to do this –" Jake explains to you. He angles the chisel into the bark, working it in. With a controlled hit from the hammer the flat head sinks in a little bit deeper. Wiggling the chisel makes the bark displace, allowing Jake to grab it and pull it downwards. A long section of the bark comes off before splintering and breaking off the log. The action reveals the light colored, bright, 'green' (fresh) wood underneath. 

"I can tell you've never experienced stripping before," Jake says cheekily while wiggling his eyebrows at you. You feel a bit amazed at the beautiful gem that's been revealed to you. 

"What?" you gasp.  

"Stripping is what this process is called," Jake answers while letting out a full bellied laugh, going so far as slapping his own leg. You roll your eyes at him but can't help your smile and excitement on joining in. 

"Some people strip wood with a power washer, but I think that's lazy. On top of the laziness, it prematurely ages and strips the wood of its natural oils, color, and saps! If we take our time though, we can get a longer lasting, vibrant cut. It's a lot of work, but I promise it will be worth it in the long run." 

Jake takes his chisel and edges it under the bark again. When he pulls the long grey strip of bark gives way with a crunch that sizzles against your ears. Jake continues to slowly peel more away to reveal the fresh color underneath, not pressuring you to join the process at any point. 

However when you do ask to help Jake is patient going over the process with you, explaining the best angle to keep the chisel. He provides steady guidance, only leaving you alone in the process when you tell him that you have a handle on what you're doing. 

You help Hangman strip one of the logs and just as he had said, it is a slow process. It is however extremely satisfying and lots of fun. He puts on a podcast after consulting you to find one you would both enjoy. At one point you accidentally dig your chisel too far under the bark and feel it sink slightly into the 'green' sap softened wood. Your heart drops, and when you peel it back you see that it has pulled a chunk of wood, leaving a gouge in the trunk. You freeze, noticing the damage of the mistake, pulling your eyes to where Jake is working. Just as you start to wonder if there could be a way to fix or hide your mistake, Jake looks over at you with a wide smile that crinkles around his eyes.

"Oh wow," he gasps, the smile falling. Anxiety claws at your throat, and you instinctively prepare yourself for something bad to happen, every muscle in your body tensing in anticipation. Jake's hand gently pushes yours out of the way and dips over the gouge pushing away some of the sap that was springing from the area. Jake clicks his tongue before saying. "Look at this, sugar" 

"I know and–" You are getting ready to spew the best excuse and explanation you can think of before Jake interrupts you. 

"I've seen this color juniper, at least not in person" Jake tells you breathily. You are momentarily surprised that his words do not contain any anger, veiled insults, or condescending tones. Then you remember that this is Jake, so of course you're not going to 'be in trouble'. It takes your eyes a moment to drop down to the thick trunk again. Where you had damaged the wood, it revealed a bright purple streak under the top grain. 

"It's purple," you say, eyes widening. 

"It does look purple does it?" Jake asks excitedly. "That means at the very least that vein will look like that through the trunk. If not all the pigmentation in the grain." 

"So, it's not usually purple?" You ask. 

"Sometimes red, but not purple. This one was a real treasure find, sugarpie" Jake answers. His grin was so wide you were a little worried about his face. However, before you know it, he is sweeping you in his arms and rocking you playfully while saying, "We are going to have to do something really special with this one."  

"Puzzle table," You say as if that was the most obvious answer. That was the whole reason he had gotten all these logs of juniper, after all. 

"Yeah, maybe for the puzzle table," Jake says noncommittally, though as he hums you can tell that won't be the case. He kisses your forehead and mutters a thank you.

Jake gives you another thank you, a little while later, once you two have started to work again. "We wouldn't have known about the color until I went to cut planks and then there would have been a lot less I could do to preserve the color." 

"I made a mistake, Jake."

"Not all mistakes are bad," he says kindly. "Sometimes they are just something that's meant to happen. They have to happen for us to learn something." 

"Says the man who famously never makes mistakes," you grouse back. 

"I make mistakes, but unfortunately, like everything I do, it's to the max. Either the best or the worst," he trails off with a shrug. 

"Because you refuse to be middling?" You ask him teasingly. You aren't surprised when his sharp elbow playfully taps into your arm, and if you bruise later-- it will be worth it.  

"We never should have read and watched Little Women," Jake grumbles. However, his open and light body language make it very clear to you he is being playful. You traced the shape of his dimples with your eyes enjoying the ease they brought to you. They seemed like the perfect place to rest your thumbs on his cheeks. It's nice how Jake comes with a built in guidance system. From his dimples, to the smile lines that will age nicely into kind crows feet all pointing to the freckle-mole by his right eye. You had already mapped out every place you wanted to kiss, given the opportunity. 

"You loved them both," you remind Jake. 

"Of course I did. It is a heart warming, stunning story. But you don't always have to make fun of how I teared up a little bit." Jake tells you, adopting a frown. Teared up was a bit of a down play on what had happened but you didn't call Jake out on that part. It wasn't a bad thing for men to get emotional and cry. 

"I only tease because you were upset about it for the entire next day. Which honestly was so sweet."

"It's not sweet, Sugar." Jake groans. 

"Jake, let's not do this dance," you sigh, rolling your eyes at him and turning back to your work on the trunk. You are much more careful now in how you place the chisel under the bark. In the middle of stripping off the next piece the podcast shuts off and some slow country music replaces it. 

"Now, Sugar," Jake says in an extra thick southern accent that makes you narrow your eyes. He eases in close to you and pulls the chisel out of your hand sliding it in his tool belt. Unbuckling it Jake sets it on the bench. Coming back to your side he takes your hand, delicately. Jake pulls your work gloves from each finger. Intentional and steady, the pads of his fingers brush against your revealed skin. He tosses the gloves to the side as well, and with your now free hands pulls you closer to him, towards the open space in the middle of the garage. 

"What dance exactly don't you want to do?" Jake asks you, starting to sway to the music and encouraging you to join him in the simple steps. Once you do he gleefully spins you in time with the music and draws you back even closer to his chest after. 

Blowing out a sigh you melt into his embrace. Dancing with Jake was different than any other man; he was confident and incharge, firm enough with his hold that there wasn't any space for you to really fall out of step with him, but he left enough room so you didn't feel like he was forcefully dragging you through the steps. He was good about taking the worry of thinking about the steps away from you, allowing you to just enjoy the movement and how his broad body felt pressed so close. 

"The dance where you try to sell some preposterous lie about not being a good man, and I have to convince you otherwise." 

"Ouch," Jake says. You lean back further resisting the hold he has in moving you. Jake doesn't allow the movement though, continuing to step dance to the music guiding you with him. 

"I'm sorry, Jake." you say already feeling a little bad. 

"No, no. I might have deserved that one," Jake answers, as the song wraps up, and you don't know what to say. He doesn't let go of you though, just adjusts his steps, leads his steps into the next one. 

"Let's find a different dance you do like," he says after a bit, shuffling you in his arms. "For example, we know you love the Texas two step."

"Do I?" You ask him with a laugh. 

"Yes, ma'am," He responds confidently, not leaving room to contradict him. "How do you feel about salsa though?" 

Jake turns you around the open space in the garage, going through dances he knows until you are both laughing. When he suggests cooking dinner and watching Dancing with the Stars for some new ideas you readily and happily agree, especially when he reminds you the logs will still be there tomorrow, and there is no real need to rush since you have at least a week until the sap is too dry to easily strip anymore.

…

"Marlee, your boss isn't going to pass you up for a promotion." 

"Well, she might if I'm pregnant," Marlee responds in a small voice that doesn't match her typical outgoing demeanor. You almost drop your phone but manage to keep your grip tight. 

"Marlene Machado… First of all, that would be illegal, and we would file a report with HR. And secondly, is there something you are wanting to tell me?"

"No!" Marlee says, "I don't know what you're talking about, me pregnant?! That's crazy talk. Maybe you're the one who's pregnant." 

"Okay, honey. Sorry, sorry." You sigh only partly apologetic into the phone. 

"No, I'm sorry." She replies in a quiet voice. "But nothing for sure yet." 

"That's okay, Marls. It's only been a few months of this new medicine."

"Yeah, well um I guess that leads to my next problem."

"What's that?"

"What are your plans for Saturday?"

"I don't have any plans." You say running through your mental calendar to check. 

"Okay, perfect. So, here's what Javy and I are thinking." 

"So Javy is involved?" You clarify. 

"What? Of course, he is!" Marlee says sounding affronted at even the concept of not including her husband, which makes you almost smile for real. 

"Okay, okay," you tell her with a small laugh. 

"We'll pick you up. Then we'll carpool to the airport. Don't worry I already made signs. Then we want to take y'all to Olive Garden."

You distantly hear Javy yelling, "When we are there, we are family."

Marlee takes a moment to giggle, "I'll make sure you and Jake drink a bottle of wine. Preferably one each. Trust me, nothing helps with the ‘we haven't seen each other in six months’ awkwardness better than wine. Then we will drive you two home!" 

You aren't successful in catching your phone this time and it slams to the ground. You're frozen staring down at it, only managing to shake yourself and pick it up when you hear Marlee saying your name in concern. 

"Sorry, the phone slipped. What was that?" 

"Oh no, is it okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine," you answer the pit in your stomach growing till it feels like it might swallow you whole. 

"You don't need help with anything for tomorrow do you?" Marlee asks worriedly. You take a glance around the house. You had worked hard keeping things orderly and together while Jake had been gone. You knew how worried he was that things would change while he was away. It hadn't been easy and there were a few weeks there when you hadn't been able to keep yourself afloat very well. 

"Help with what?" You ask, trying to get her to confirm what you thought you had heard. 

"Any cleaning or organizing or any of that. Groceries so you and Jake don't have to go shop. Javy hates going to the store when he comes home. I guess there is something especially frustrating about them," Marlee trails off. You can tell that she is picking up on your off mood, and of course she was. She probably expected you to be ecstatic that Jake was coming home, and maybe you would have been if you had known about it. 

You realize there isn't a way out of this so you have to concede a truth to her. You bite your lip and let your eyes frantically comb over the house again before finally whispering. "He hasn't said anything to me… about coming home." 

When Marlee answers you can hear she isn't on speakerphone anymore, and asks you quietly, "He hasn't mentioned it at all?" 

"Not a word," you respond solemnly. 

"I'm sorry for ruining the surprise."

"I'm glad you did. I'll definitely want to clean and shop like you mentioned. And as nice as your plan sounded, maybe not this time. You two are the sweetest ever."

"I still feel bad. Are you sure you don't need help with anything?"

"I'm fine, thank you, Marlee!" You were not fine.

"Wait, babes, I'm worried."

"Don't worry. I'll talk to you later, yeah? I love you!" You hang up the phone and stare at it blankly. Trying to process the new information you had just gotten. Looking around the house you realized you weren't even close to ready for Jake to come home.  

You spend all of your free time panicking, cleaning and organizing the house, trying to make sure everything was just perfect for when Jake comes home. You almost had a breakdown when you couldn't remember if the quilt on his bed had been green or dark blue when he left.. The smallest details were haunting you. You had spent nearly an hour working up the courage to erase the chalkboard in the kitchen. Worried that you would forget some of the more important reminders, you erase everything but what you deemed Jake needed to know, like things that had come up concerning the house. It leaves a choppy, oddly spaced list, but you don't think you will have the energy to rewrite it without crying. 

You were asleep when Jake came home. Waking up to sounds that are familiar and yet gone enough that they don't sound right, confuses your tired mind before you are startled into wakefulness, fully placing that for the first time in 6 months someone else is cooking in your kitchen. Your alarm is slightly eased when you check your phone and see a text from Marlee. 

We're here with a gift, come down stairs as soon as you wake up &lt;3

 While you were put at ease knowing some manic axe murderer isn't in your house, you almost feel like you would prefer that to what you now know is waiting for you downstairs. You sit in your room for nearly an hour trying to work out what to do, if you should confront Jake and how to approach it, hoping inspiration or bravery will strike you into moving. It never does though, and instead there is a heavy handed knock on your bedroom door. 

Taking a big gulp, not having the strength to find your voice, you slowly creak the door open. You lift your eyes up and unexpectedly find Javy on the other side of the door. 

"Hey, sleeping beauty!" Javy says cheerfully. It takes you a few deep breaths to answer from your surprise. You don't know what the look on your face is, but the next thing you know, Javy is sweeping you up into a tight hug. You are frozen though, still strung out on what this must mean, that Jake is home. 

"Is he?" You start to ask, but not sure how you actually want to finish the sentence: home, safe, okay, the same. Javy doesn't respond, he just squeezes you harder. You try asking your question again to get an answer. "Is Jake?" 

"Hangman is here," Javy finally confirms. 

"I thought it was going to be this evening."

"Some of his flights got shifted around at the last minute." 

"Oh. And is he..?" You can't finish that question either. 

"He will be okay," Javy says lightly.  

"Will be? So, that means that he isn't okay now." You grimace, worry flooding your chest that is already so full of hurt. 

"It'll all take us some time to readjust and recalibrate. Just don't push him, and more importantly yourself too hard. Okay?" Javy says pulling away from the hug after another squeeze. You nod numbly, not entirely sure you know what he means but it is comforting to know your friend is here. 

When you don't make a move to follow Javy towards the door when he starts to retreat he levels you with a concerned look. 

"Why do you love Jake?" Javy asks, leaning back against your door. 

You open your mouth to protest that you don't love Jake– how can you love someone who willfully hasn't talked to you in 6 months? The words don't come out though, because in spite of it all, you do love him. You love him so much it hurts, and you made that choice even as Jake actively warned you against it. Javy waits patiently for you to respond, which just makes you feel like squirming more. 

"I do not see what that has to do with anything," you try to deflect but Coyote frowns at you and shakes his head.

"It's because he makes you feel better than a million bucks right?" Javy presses on with the question.

"Yeah, sometimes." You concede thinking of how it was before Jake left. 

"Or like you are the most important thing in the room? More important even than him?" 

"Don't know if I love Jake because of that. I think those are just side benefits. I love Jake just by virtue of him being Jake." You say trying to explain how you feel and Javy nods along to your words. 

"I get it," he says. You worry your lip and look at the door again, still not sure you can do this. 

"It's going to be okay. Marlee and I are here to play interference as long as you two need it. Remembering those things you love about him will help get through the rough patch. He is really worried about doing something wrong."

"What do you mean wrong?" 

"I would say he is worried about hurting you." And you had to resist the urge to laugh, because it was already much too late for that. Jake had been hurting you for months now.

"Has something gone wrong before, or is he just scared?"

Javy doesn't answer your question and he avoids your gaze and stares hard at a far wall. "Hangman and I aren't always stationed together." 

"Oh, I see."

"You're going to have to give him some grace and time; he will even out, I promise. If it gets too bad you can always call me, okay?" Javy's eyes meet yours again, and he gives you a sad smile. "I love Jake too, you know."

"Yeah, I know you do." You reassure him. "Thanks Coyote, you are a good friend to him, and me too." 

Javy is then urging you to finally leave your room, opening the door and gesturing for you to step out. He is asking you to be brave, and it's a lot easier to face your fears when you know someone else is there to help, just in case. 

"Hey what's taking so long up there?" Marlee yells up the stairs suspiciously. She must have heard your door open.  

"I am once again begging Javy to run away with me." You yell back to her playfully. Giving Javy one last tight hug and a muttered thank you, he strides confidently down the stairs. Anxiety and nerves eat away at your every step leaving a sour taste on your tongue. You keep your eyes trained on the ground, as you descend the stairs, still not ready to actually see Jake. 

Instead you keep your eyes trailed on Javy where he has automatically drifted to his wife's side and is already wrapping himself around her and kissing her cheek. 

"Well, were you convinced to run away?" Marlee asks her husband, hugging him back, clearly enjoying the joke. 

"No Ma'am, not this time," Coyote answers with a laugh. 

"I wasn't worried," she tells him. "I know there's only one person you would leave me for."

"I would never leave you," Javy responds, dropping the playfulness from his voice. However, Marlee persists. 

"That's not true, we both know if Jake asked, you wouldn't even hesitate." The couple both turn their eyes towards the kitchen, which you realize is where Jake must be. You are frozen on the last step of the stairs, unable to take your eyes off Marlee and Javy, even as they expectantly look back and forth between where you are standing and where he is. 

You decide you aren't brave enough, that you can't actually do this. You need to retreat up the stairs into your room and pack all of your things in order to get out of here as soon as possible. Jake was back now, all the responsibility you had to watch and take care of the house was released from your shoulders. Never facing him again seems like the obvious solution, you don't know why you had never considered it before. 

"I wouldn't ever ask Javy to run away with me, he snores too much," Jake says. His voice tricks your eyes into looking towards the kitchen. Thinking about Jake Seresin and seeing him are two distinctly different things. He is handsome, Jake always has been handsome, but after so long of not seeing him, it's glaring, breathtaking. 

You think you had expected him to change, which doesn't really make sense. Half a year, in the grand scheme of things, really isn't very long. You think maybe his uniform fits him a bit more snugly, that he looks even more fit than before. You weren't prepared… you weren't prepared at all. And now you are stuck because he is looking back at you. Jake blinks at you, and you stare wide eyed, too afraid if your eyes close for even a second he will be gone. 

"Hello. Good morning," Jake finally says. 

"Hi," you squeak. Then you are finally able to take the last step off the stairs and say, "It's good to see you." 

Jake flashes you one of his perfect practiced smiles and a wink. Then he gestures to the bowls and pans in front of him, "I'm making french toast." 

You wait a second, having to choke back a sob threatening to bubble in your chest. Then say, "I'm sure that will be good." 

Javy and Marlee's analyzing the two of you makes the awkwardness press in harder. Gulping, you try to seem casual about walking towards the kitchen. Jake watches you intently. At the last minute you change your mind and veer down the hallway towards the front door instead. 

"Sorry, I just have some errands I need to run," You announce loudly, quickening your step. Fumbling with the locks you burst out the front door, and stand heaving on the front porch. Gripping the railing hard, you lean against it trying to brace yourself. 

A minute later you hear the door open, and you close your eyes tight, wishing you had been smart enough to walk further away. There is a slight clunk against the ground and you see a pair of your shoes next to your feet. 

"Thought you might need shoes," Jake says quietly. Fuck, this hurt so much more than you though it would. You thought having him home would feel like a relief, not a fresh stab wound. You just shake your head, not sure you can say anything. Jake waits patiently but after several long minutes, he breathes out a quiet sigh. 

"Okay. Well. I think I should just apologize and get on with it. I'm sorry, I am so sorry." You can't stop the hitching sob that falls from your throat. 

"I know you didn't love back the same way, but I didn't realize you cared so little about me." 

"That is an inaccurate statement," Jake protests. 

"I don't want us to have a fight Jake." You mumble, nothing about this conversation was making you feel better. 

"Well I do. I want us to have a fight, because you should be mad at me. You should be yelling at me and cursing the ground I walk on. You should've burned down this house!" He exclaims, and you can hear his frustration. You open your eyes to find Jake standing stiff and straight next to the slightly ajar front door. Hands clenched tight, Jake was staring at like you were water and he had been stranded in the desert for days, parched. A direct sighting of his green eyes is all it takes to break your resolve.  

"I can't be mad at you!" You exclaim, throwing your hands up in the air. 

"Why not?" He prods you in a low voice.

"You know exactly why."  

Jake huffs, clenching his jaw he glares upwards, away from you. 

"You don't have to be this saint you know. You don't have to be this perfectly stable person for me because you feel like that's what I need. Please don't let me get away with hurting you." 

"I won't give you the satisfaction," you tell him coldly. 

"What?" Jake asks, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion. 

"I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of confirming that you are the bad guy you've convinced yourself you are. So, what would you like me to say instead?"   

"I guess I want you to listen to the fact that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I left, I'm sorry for how I behaved, I—"

"Are you really sorry for what happened between us?" You ask in a small voice. You lower your eyes to look at the ground, not wanting to be too confrontational. 

"Of course I am," he sighs. It's a stab to your heart. You had treasured the long heartbreakingly beautiful evening you had with Jake before he left, and hearing him say he doesn't feel the same is harrowing. 

"Are you—" you start to ask but stop yourself. You ball up all the hurt in your chest trying to rationalize and compartmentalize. Realizing this is another one of those times you had to fill in the gaps. It was time you refocused on the realities at hand. There were no promises besides the one you had made. That you would love him regardless, and continuously. Reminding yourself this fact helps, you could be upset after, later. Every moment actually with Jake should be treasured, this was the first moment you were getting with him in how long and of course you had ruined it. 

"I'm sorry for every other thing I know I should be, and everything I willfully chose not to know too. I'm sorry, and well I want to go on forever. I want to keep telling you I'm sorry every second. So, I'm sorry. I'll say it a million times more. Like you deserve."

"Jake, stop. Sometimes the more times you say something the cheaper the words have become. So let's keep this one valuable. I'm sorry for pushing, and you've said sorry too. We can move on now." 

"I'll just be plain then." He says, though you can tell that the frustration and desperation are still burning hot under his skin. 

"Yes, Jake, be plain. That's the best option for us."

"If we step over lines?"

"We say something, stop and talk about it."

"Okay." He agrees, "We have to talk about the other thing now too."

"What thing?" you ask.

"My question, what happened between us." He says as if he hadn't just told you part of him regrets it. 

"You asked to be selfish with me Jake, and I said yes. I don't regret that, and I'm not mad about what happened. You had my permission and consent for all of it.' 

"I just kept waiting until I knew what I wanted to say, but then I never knew what I wanted to say," he explains. 

"Jake, I really…" You sigh and scrub your hand over your face. "Can we not talk about this right now?"

 Jake nods silently in response. "Okay, Later, then."

"Sure, like when the Machados aren't listening on the other side of the door." You say loudly looking at the front door that was cracked, having no doubt your friends were being nosey. Not that you really blame them, you probably would have done the same thing. 

"Do you still have errands to run?" he asks you. You look out to the street deciding you should at least take a small walk to sort through your thoughts. 

"I'm just going to go on a little walk. I'm sure I'll be back by the time breakfast is done," you explain. 

"Sounds good, sugar. Can I help you with your shoes?" He asks quietly. The only reason you nod your head yes is because you think you might start crying otherwise. 

Jake kneels down and hesitates for a long moment before his large warm hand is on your ankle, helping angle your foot into the shoe. His thumb makes a brushing stroke across the skin before doing the same thing with the other foot. When you get back from your walk, it's awkward. You completely avoid Marlee's attempts to get you to go off and talk with her. Instead, you decide that the best course of action is to pretend that nothing is wrong. You laugh at jokes and ignore how stilted and awkward Jake's conversation is with everyone. Then, after Marlee and Javy linger way too long, before you and Jake finally get them to leave. Once they are out the door and Jake has locked the door behind them, you both let out a sigh of relief. You meet Jake's gaze, both of you offer small smiles. It's the most normal moment you've had all day. 

"Welcome back, Jake." You offer tentatively. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I kinda just want to nap," he admits. You part ways at the top of the stairs giving him a strained smile and retreat into your room; Jake's eyes don't leave you until the door is shut firmly in place. 

It's much later that night when you hear some loud banging. You shoot out of your room worried, and realize the banging is coming from the other side of Jake's bedroom door. You knock on it firmly but don't hear a response. 

You knock again and the banging comes to a stop. You try the door and find it locked. 

"Jake, are you okay?" You ask him through the door. 

"I'm fine. Thanks," he yells back. You wait but when you don't get anything more, you have no choice but to leave him be and go back to your room. You don't actually even see Jake again until two nights later. You have been able to tell that he is home but Jake is as elusive as a ghost. 

You run into him next when you open your door one night to get some water before bed. Jake is standing on the other side, holding two water bottles. Part of you has a hunch that he had been standing there for a while. He looks shocked but a little relieved when he sees you. 

"I know I shouldn't be here," Jake starts slowly, taking his gaze off of you and looks down at his feet. 

"No, it's okay that you are here," you stutter slightly. "Is there something you need?" 

Jake nods his head along with your words, his eyebrows drawing together. Then he holds out a water bottle for you to take. "Can I just be here? Here, with you?"

"Of course, always." You say stepping backwards into your room leaving the door wide open for him. You shuffle to your bed and lift open the blankets ready to welcome him there with you. However, Jake drops the pillow he was holding on the floor nearby and lays down instead. 

You want to ask him questions about it but the edge he is on isn't one you want to poke or prod in any direction. While you are still hurt, knowing he is here is safe again, with you is equally as soothing, a small dosage of pain medication. 

"There's plenty of room up here with me too, you know." You decide to casually offer just in case. 

"It's too soft for me right now."

"I just thought I would offer," you say lightly. 

"I can't sleep. It's the worst part. Everything is too quiet and too still and at the same time not quiet or still enough. I think I might go insane." He explains in a low voice. 

"What can I do? What do you need?" You ask sympathetically. 

"Can we talk about it?" Jake asks hopefully. 

"No, Jake. We can't," You sigh and hear him sigh in frustration. 

"Someday, at some point, we are going to have to talk about it," Jake says so carefully you know he is consciously holding back the taunting frustration he wants to put into the words. 

"No, we really don't," You contradict him. 

"Sweets," Jake responds, sounding wrecked. 

You think you should give into him again. You should allow Jake to talk his heart out and seek penance from you. How this should be a time when you are strong for him. However, as much as you want to give Jake the world, there must be times that you curl around your own heart to try and shield it from hurt. 

"Listen, Jake. I don't need to know why you didn't talk to me while you were gone. No matter what your explanation is, it's going to hurt my feelings. So, I would rather not know. Please, let me pretend something a little kinder." 

He is silent, so very quiet for so long you almost wonder if he has left. Evaporated from existence, that he never came home at all, and you've been living an elaborate hallucination. You turn on your side just to check in the soft lamp light that Jake is still laying on the floor. 

"You should have said no to me before I left. It would have saved us both a lot of grief I think." 

Jake's words feel like a punch in the gut, rattling around like a wrecking ball, leaving a bloody massacre behind. With a heavy blown out breath you say, "No it wouldn't have."

"No, it wouldn't have," he sighs in agreement. 

"It would be nice though, if we could go back to before." 

"Before?" He asks. 

"Yes," you say, clutching your blankets tight. "If I could pretend that you never got orders and didn't leave. I would jump to that in an instant. 

"You want to pretend nothing happened?" 

"Isn't that an idea?" You huff a small broken laugh at the ridiculousness of it.

"What if I don't remember exactly how things went before?" Jake wonders. 

"Jake, I wasn't serious," you say cautiously.  

There are several long minutes of silence where you wait for him to say something. Finally, you hear Jake let out a long heavy audible groan while shifting. "If you don't want to talk it out. Pretending is probably our best option then. Otherwise, what are we going to do, sweets?" 

"Sugar," You correct automatically. 

"Hmm?" 

"You usually call me sugar, or honey. Not sweets" 

"Ah, that's right, and darling. I got it mixed up because you're so sweet to me."

"I'll help you. If you don't remember how it goes." 

"Thank you," he says. And you can't believe he is actually agreeing to this idea, or really that you are either. 

"Do you not like sweets?" Jake asks eventually. 

"It's fine enough, I guess." You answer as lightly as you can. Then you go through another bout of silence. You nervously play with the edge of a blanket hoping that this tension with Jake will ease. It's always gone away in the past, but that was also before. 

"That's what you want then? Tomorrow, we go back?" Jake asks again. 

"Yes, tomorrow," You confirm. 

"Sugar?

"Yes, Jakers?"

"Can I ask you a question?" He asks. You laugh lightly, feeling a bit of the nervousness ease at his tone which has become much lighter. 

"I never understand why people say that. Aren't you already asking a question?" Jake chuckles low in his chest in amusement. He doesn't follow along with the joke though, just leaves it there hanging in the air. 

"The answer is yes," you tell him casually. 

"You don't know what the question is." 

"Yes, you can ask me a question," you clarify in a whisper. Jake makes some rustling sounds and you hear him come closer to you.

"Are you sure that bed is big enough for two?" He asks. 

"Why don't we find out?" You laugh feeling more at ease. 

With a nod Jake crawls onto bed and turns to face you on his side. However, he doesn't scoot in close like you expect. He is stone still on the other side of the bed, laying on top of the covers, only shifting his pillow once. 

"What would you do, if I told you the last time I said yes, it had an extended warranty?" You ask while turning on your side to face where you are in the bed now. 

"How long are we talking about here?" Jake asks. 

"Unfortunately, I think it expires some time tomorrow." You watch Jake work his lip in contemplation, while examining your face closely. 

"Why would you let me be selfish with you again?" 

"I think it's because we are selfish. Maybe it's a little bit because I don't want the memory of the last time I tasted you to be bitter." 

Jake rolls away from you onto his back, blinking rapidly at the ceiling. "Stop letting me take things from you."

"We both deserve a night where we are selfish with each other, I think." You tell him reaching across the gap between you. You set a hand on Jake's cheek ignoring the prickly stubble there. 

"To have you and let you go again the next day would be torture," Jake says all while leaning into your touch. 

"Just a kiss this time," you offer, urging him by his cheek to come a little closer to you. 

"It was supposed to be just a kiss last time too." Jake's eyes are bright where they burn into yours. He inches a little closer and you lean forwards as well, reducing the gap between you two that much more until there is just a miniscule space now.  

"I know," You answer against his lips, letting your hand slip into his hair. Jake's lips move with yours crowding in close, like he is trying to breathe all of you into himself and commit you to memory. 

"Maybe, it can be more of a promise?" Jake eventually gasps. 

"A promise?" You question. 

"A promise not to hurt you like this again," Jake answers.

"That's not an easy promise to keep," you warn. 

"That's true, but I'm willing to try anyway." He kisses you again and dips his tongue into your mouth. Jake swallows your little whimpers; he tastes just as good as he always has. It's very easy to be selfish with Jake "Hangman" Seresin.  

…

It's a slow road to trying to get back to normal. Jake circles around the house like he is lost. Picking things up and setting them down, starting conversations with you and leaving halfway through them. Shadows stretch across his face and his increasingly dark stubble and facial hair. You are a little surprised to find that he doesn't have a red beard like most blonds do. The facial hair only serves to make him look increasingly gaunt.

Jake even denies your offer to start a puzzle together, telling you that wasn't something he could handle at the moment. You try not to seem like you were watching him like a hawk, but you definitely are. Until one day he stood up from the table in the middle of dinner and announced that he was going camping. 

"Oh okay. Do you know how long?" 

"Yeah," Jake sighs, "I'll be home before next weekend, and I promise you when I get home I'll be normal again."

"You don't have to be any which way for me Jake," you tell him gently. 

"I know, but I need to do this for me too, sugar." He explains while putting away dishes. You watch him complete the task; Jake is antsy even with his hands occupied. None of the projects or tasks he has picked up since being home have been enough to occupy him with real distraction. Two days ago, you had walked into the garage where Jake had rigged up his camping hammock to the ceiling which you felt like he was swaying precariously 8 feet off the ground. On top of that Jake had music blasting, a documentary on Yosemite playing, while also whittling a piece of wood. 

"Okay. I'll miss you." You eventually say. Jake purses his lip, and after a heavy gulp he nods his head. Once the last of the dishes is away he spins on his heel and heads towards the garage door. 

You hurry after him, "Jake?"

"Yes, sugar?" He asks, not pausing his trajectory. 

"Are you leaving right now?" You ask him surprised. 

"Yes, I packed earlier today."

"Can I have a hug before you go?" You ask him hesitantly. 

Jake freezes. He rubs his hands across his face pressing briefly into his eyes while sighing a very soft "Fuck." Then he turns to you fully looking abashed. "Yeah, sugar. What do you need before I go? I'm sorry I should have asked that first."

"No, it's no big deal. Honestly." You tell him backing off not wanting to be too much. Jake shushes you softly while stepping closer. 

"Tell me how it goes. I need to remind myself about this part."

"Well," you start off hesitantly, "normally I would get a hug goodbye." 

"Ahh," Jake hums, "that's right. And I do that part like this?" Jake wraps you in his arms, draping them high on your back. You wait a moment before draping your arms around his neck.

"How's the next part going again, sweets?"

"You squeeze my waist a little harder and lower." Jake follows the direction his arms tightening around you drawing you flush against his chest. 

"Now?" He whispers. 

"You would probably kiss my forehead."

"Just your forehead?" Jake asks breathily. 

"I'll leave that one up to you, Jake." He unwraps a hand from your waist to hold the back of your neck, keeping you steady. 

"And if I want to kiss somewhere else?"

"You've got my permission Jake," you tell him trying to keep want and desire out of your voice. Jake parts his lips and leans in closer brushing his lips to grace over your cheekbone. 

"You can have it, Jake," you remind him.

"No," he answers and closes his eyes. "Not again, not yet. I'll be home in a few days."

Once Jake leaves you know there is something you have to do to help him. It's an idea that gets stuck in your head and then you can't get it out. He had been spending time daily in his hammock in the garage, and you noted that Jake had taken it with him when he left. You missed how he used to casually be in the living room, so you started brainstorming some ideas on how you might entice Jake to join you again. 

So, you go to the kitchen and pull out the rolodex, find the card dedicated to Miss Celeste and give it a call. Russell answers the phone, and you can hear the man smiling through the phone as you ask after his wife. It turns out Jake's grandmother is just as blunt but kind hearted as you had been led to believe. After a longer conversation with her, she and Russ offer you some advice and tips

You aren't wholly sure how you managed to get it all done. Eventually having to call Coyote to help you move some of the living room furniture. However, after significantly less sleep than you already get, there is a large comfy hammock in the living room. You and Javy had to sandwich Jake's large comfy chair much closer to the couch than it was previously, but y'all managed to make it all fit. 

Jake comes home from camping quietly late one night. The stubble he had been supporting before is a full-on beard now, and his hair is longer than you have ever seen it. This look is intimidating to you in lots of ways, like some mirrored version of Jake that you don't know. He offers. quick hello when he comes in from the garage, breezing past you and towards the stairs.  

Jake doesn't make it to the stairs though instead he stands frozen at the edge of the living room for five whole minutes just staring at the hammock. You watch him closely, trying to gauge his reaction. 

"It's a surprise for you." You say after the amount of time he is standing there increases to a concerning duration. Compelled to do something you explain, "I know your hammock has been one of the only places you have been able to relax."  

"This is very sweet. I appreciate it." Jake starts evenly. It's contradictory as you see him grit his teeth, and his fists clench and unclench at his sides. 

"You don't like it?" You ask him.

"It's not that," Jake tries to explain. "It's just you can't randomly switch the living room around and add new furniture like this." 

Your mouth drops open in shock. This might be one of the first times Jake has ever told you there is something you can't do in the house. It's jarring, he has always spent so much time tailoring everything to your likes, desires, and aesthetics that you hardly even think about the house as Jake's and Jake's alone anymore. Frustration bubbles under the shock twisting into anger at the situation. You were trying your best, doing all the things you thought you should, and it still didn't seem like enough. 

"That is so rich coming from you for so many different reasons Jake." You say agitated, rolling your eyes. 

"Why are you upset?" Jake asks you, finally looking away from the living room. 

"Why are you upset?" You parrot with emphasis. 

"Well, what did you expect? I left for a few days and now there is a hammock in the living room. That's an outdoor item you brought indoors," Jake responds snappily. It pushes you right against an edge that you are unfamiliar with living on now. You had forgotten how it was to live in a hyper aware state, trying to manage and monitor someone else's emotions. 

"You act like you haven't done the same thing," you tell him, gesturing frustratedly at the juniper chest. "I was doing something nice for you. However, if you don't like it, I'm sure you're more than capable of taking it down and moving your furniture back and fixing your living room."  

You leave Jake in the living room and go to the kitchen. He grumbles to himself upset which makes you feel even more on edge. However, you refuse to let Jake blowing back into the house prevent you from finishing the dishes you had been stacking and putting away. 

"It's our living room," he finally calls back to you.

"You aren't acting like it."

"You could have given me some warning," he reasons, but it has a slightly accusatory tone. 

"When Jake?" You ask him, upset. "When you called me and told me you were coming home? When you text? How exactly was I supposed to let you know?"

He doesn't have an answer and you slam the door of a cupboard harder than you intend. Inside, the stack of bowls were more precariously placed than you thought. The cupboard closes and bounces back open, the bowls ejecting and crashing hard against the ground. Several of them shatter when they make impact, sending ceramic shards flying across the area. 

You aren't expecting the sound to trigger you. It most likely does because of how high strung and worried you already are. The house is such a safe comforting space you don't really have a game plan for when PTSD attacks hit you here. A chill makes its way up your spine, while the sound of shattering glass rings echoing in your ears, for much longer than it echoes in the room. It's all it takes for some flip to switch in your head. 

Managing to take small gasping breaths, you try to assess the damage of the sharp ceramic pieces around you, categorizing how many bowls had broken. It doesn't help you to fight off sudden panic that is creeping in when you notice one of the destroyed bowls was one Miss Celeste had made for Jake. It was a soup bowl stamped with a silly song Jake liked to sing anytime he used it. Distantly you hear Jake calling your name but can't fully process it. He is stepping towards you, fear rings through your body, and instinctually you go to step back away from him. Flinching hard every one of your muscles feels like it's attached to a live wire. Your fight or flight mode activated but you are still mostly frozen in the middle with short panting breaths, your eyes flit across the room trying to find a suitable escape path. 

"Sugar, please don't move. Just stay right there. It's okay." Jake is repeating, holding his hand up, showing you his open body language. Your breaths continue to come out gasping, but eventually you are able clear the cloudiness up enough with the help of Jake's soothing.  

"Jake, help," you whimper. Training your eyes on Jake you think that he is the only available escape, from the glass around you and this attack. At your words, his whole face shifts overcome with a serious ‘get things done’ demeanor.

"Are you hurt?" He asks calmly. You can't answer him just offering a shaking shrug. "Stay right there for me, Sugar. Okay?" 

Jake is shoving his feet into some boots, then crunching through the broken ceramics and glass before picking you up. He carries you to the living room, setting you down on top of the closed puzzle table. Once you are there, he kneels in front of you. Picking up each of your feet, Jake carefully examines them for injury. Then gives the rest of your body a scan; he is clearly relieved to find that there weren't any cuts. 

"Wait here." He orders you gently, walking back to the kitchen and setting about cleaning the mess. 

"I can clean that," you try to tell him in a weak attempt for Jake to stop.

"You just stay there looking pretty and take some breaths, sweets." He responds from the kitchen. You decide to give in, which is probably for the best with the way the numb panic is still very present at the edge of your consciousness. Your heart is still beating erratically as well. 

Jake is expedient and thorough about cleaning, going through the whole kitchen and dining room with his shop vacuum searching for any hiding slivers. When finished he makes his way to the living room and crouches by your side again sighing heavily. 

"I'm sorry," he says, setting his large warm hands on your knees.

"I'm sorry," you apologize as well. "I should have waited and asked you before changing the living room."

"You don't need to ask. I've just been on edge and wasn't expecting it. I do appreciate the thought. And you know I do love hammocks so, I'm sure I'll love it."

"We don't have to keep it," You remind him.

"We are taking it for a trial run," Jake responds. Then a few moments later he lets out a heavy sigh and says, "You know we are doing it all already, right?" 

"What's that?"

"It" Jake says gesturing with his free hand in the air. "We fit together. We're," Jake takes the slightest pause, his hand grips yours so tight you almost ache, then he drops it completely. "A bridle joint or maybe, a box joint." 

"We aren't ever going to fit with anyone else are we?" You ask him, clarifying. 

"No, we aren't. I think it might just be this, Sugar. It's just us." Jake says the words like a confession, an admission, an honest reality. 

You try to analyze the look in his eyes, but over anything else all you can focus on is how tired he is. You pick Jake's hand up again. Standing from the couch, pulling him with you. Jake asks no questions; he just follows you as you guide him. You tug him with you to each of the doors as you make sure each one is locked, jiggling them to be sure. Then he follows you to the kitchen as you grab two of his glass water bottles. You hand one to him and take his, gripping it tightly while his other hand remains loose in yours. 

You keep leading him then as he follows you up the stairs. Finally, You open the door to his room, and freeze in the doorway. A gasp catches in your throat. It's empty. The whole room. Not a mattress or a bedframe, no side tables or a dresser. It's all gone. There is one chest, a basket with some blankets, and one pillow. Jake stands close behind you, and you hear him audibly sigh into your ear. 

You take a deep breath to steady yourself and pull Jake through the room, leaving no room to address the issue and heading straight to the bathroom. You turn on the water for the bath and let the tub start filling. Turning to Jake and finally, let go of his hand. He looks lost at you, and you bring your hand up to lift his chin up a little higher. Jake takes your direction and those gorgeous sea-glass green eyes look at you. 

You tug at his shirt twice before he follows the movement and pulls it off. You step out of your own pants but otherwise stay clothed. Jake follows you sliding off his jeans. You go to Jake's bath chest still in place and grab a scent you think will be soothing, adding it to the bath. 

You reach to pull down his boxers, and he shakes his head in a small no. When you start to pull off your shirt, Jake's hands stop you there too. He gives you a pleading look, and you shrug back, leaving your shirt in place. You motion for Jake to get in the bath, and he wordlessly does as you say. Making room for you between his knees, Jake scoots until he hits the back of the tub. You step into the warm water and slide down to settle in.  

Jake's head falls forward so his forehead presses into the space where your shoulder and neck meet, taking deep breaths. You shudder, feeling the air of his breath against your neck. Jake's large hands are gripping the side of the bathtub hard. You are shocked that the feeling of the wet clothes sticking to your skin hasn't rocketed you out of the bathtub. But like it often is, it's hard to focus on anything that's not Jake when he is this close to you. 

After a while, when Jake lifts his head and leans back, you do as well, leaning into his chest, his arms slide around you, pulling you even closer, as you draw imaginary designs on one of his forearms. 

"What's it mean for us?" You finally ask him. 

"I'm worse than I was before," Jake says to you quietly. 

"Before me?" And that actually makes you want to cry because it sounds so true. Things certainly would have been less variable without you around in Jake's life. No one to throw him off his routines. And before him weren't you better able to protect your heart better than this? You had been calloused and strong before. Living with Jake and in this house has been like a fine grit sandpaper buffing you so now you only have smooth soft edges. 

Has that been the way it's been between the two of you this whole time, something bad that was disguised as good? You can't come up with an answer, and apparently, neither can he. So it sits there, wilting, rotting between the two of you.

The silence is loud and almost echoes in the bathroom, with no room to hide. You finally take one of Jake's hands in yours and play with his fingers. He seems content with this, relaxing even further into the water. One of his knees occasionally bumping into you playfully, as if you could forget that he was there, as if there were anything besides Jake on your radar. 

Then he is whispering your name against your neck, right behind your ear. Gooseflesh bursts across your skin, and his beard is coarse and scratchy against your sensitive skin not having been trimmed once since it started growing. You try to shift away but his lips follow you. Tired of the game you reach a hand behind you and fist it into Jake's long hair, tightly tugging his face away from your neck. Jake gasps in response. 

You drop your hand feeling like he has been sufficiently warned from the action, which you know would have descend into tickling. Jake grabs your wrist and turns it, and then ghosts his lips over your pulse point. After two more soft kisses there he presses three to your palm, and on each finger. Each press of his lips is intoxicating even in a place as insignificant as your hand. With your ring finger Jake's kisses are three times as long and lingering. It's an action that has you slamming your eyes closed to keep the tears from escaping. He finally releases your arm and you drop your hand back into the warm water. 

Something starts to thaw out there, in your chest. The combination of the physical warmth of the bath and Jake's blazing body heat. However, it is the feeling, the emotional warmth of it that makes the difference. You tremble slightly feeling completely overwhelmed, the idea of being anywhere else or trying to move is devastating to your system. 

"Sugar pie?"

"Yes, Jakobi?" You answer back just as quietly 

"We haven't been doing so good, have we?"

"No."

"Our mental health?"

"Positively dismal. We both probably need to be institutionalized." You tell him. Jake nods along, in understanding with your words. 

"Do you think I could convince them to let us be roomies there too?" 

"Not sure even you could swing that one, honey." You respond. Jake's eyes and whole face positively light up moments after you say the words. 

"Honey?"

You hum thinking it over before smiling and nodding, "Yup."

"But that's my nickname for you," Jake says in a pouting tone but the bright expression he is wearing hasn't dimmed. 

"Yeah, and sugar, darling, babycakes, anything related to pie—"

"I called you Huckleberry pie once and—"Jake protests but you barrel onwards cutting him off. 

"Well no more honey for you anymore. You use half the sweet names under the sun, I'm allowed to have one. And I think it's honey." You cup Jake's scratchy bearded cheeks and smile softly. "You're my honey, now." 

"Why honey?"

"Because you're so sweet."

"I'm not," Jake says brokenly, all playfulness having been sucked out of him. His head is heavy in your palm as he eases into your hold.

 "You're sweet," you repeat more firmly. Then continue, "Plus I can just imagine how snug and happy you would be in those honey combs."

"Hexagons are one of the superior shapes," Jake sighs.

"Sure they ar, and you are golden like honey." You run your fingers through Jake's hair again. He shutters hiding those sad green eyes from you.  

"I never knew just how blond the sun could make your hair," You sigh when you reach the end, scratching back up his scalp to repeat the process. You are turned fully to face him now, sloshing the water a bit to settle more comfortably. However Jake doesn't move, he seems almost as if he could be a statue made of glowing gold. 

"This tan also makes no sense," you tell him, trailing your hands over his shaped shoulders. 

He squints a single eye open at you, and you freeze as if you've been caught. Instead Jake's hand's pull your knees to settle on either side of his hips. Dragging you that much closer to him. It makes your breath hitch and Jake's eyes darken, however, he still leaves a bit of space. 

"One of my grandpas was Italian," Jake says with a quirk of his lips. The single eye he had opened closed as the smile melted off his face. Your hands resume their path, after massaging Jake's shoulders you knead his neck. Which just leads to playing with his hair again. Your train of thought was lost until you noticed a small light but fresh scar on the top of his bicep. You lean forward and  gloss your lips over the skin there. Jake's hand tightens where he is holding your thighs. He takes a careful breath in through his nose, and a long exhale. He follows that up with two more shallow but steady breaths and then just like that the tension releases from his body as he releases the air out.

"Where did you learn how to breathe like that, cowboy?" You ask him, letting your thumb continue to trace the strange new scar you have been examining. 

"Oh, so, I'm cowboy now?"

"Mr. Cowboy, my honey." You coo back. Jake's eyes flutter open again, he blinks slowly at you heavily lidded.  

"You are avoiding the question." You prompt him by raising an eyebrow. 

"It's not as bad as you're probably thinking," Jake answers a moment later. 

"I'm thinking, you did a whole summer of Vipassana, and meditation in some foreign country that made you have concerns about being that white guy(™)."  

As his lips lift in response to your joke, you think Jake's dimples are some of the prettiest things in this world. Suddenly, you find it unacceptable that his beard hides any part of them from your view. You see the hint of them but it's not the same you think as you trace the shape of one. Your left hand remains pressed over the new scar you had discovered. 

"We both know I could never do vipassana."

"I have evidence to the contrary," the words fall from your lips before you can stop them, and you regret them instantly. 

"Don't be mean to me," he begs you. In the same breath he speaks the words you are already halfway through saying, sorry.

"I'm working on leaving it I promise," You tell him.

"We don't have to leave it, we could talk about it." Jake suggests hopefully. 

"We are leaving it Jake," you say back sharply and he snaps his mouth shut chewing at the side of his cheek for a moment before responding. 

"Okay. I know I hurt you deep, and it's still fresh," Jake responds. His jaw clenches and you feel it jump.  

"So, it wasn't meditation? Is this going to be another riveting USNA story?" You ask him, steering the conversation back on a lighter track. 

"It was before Annapolis."

"Tell me more," you laugh, dropping your hold on his face, leaning forward and resting your check against his bicep.  

"You're going to laugh at me," he pouts.

"I find that an entirely likely probability," you answer teasingly. 

"I had to take friendship classes in middle school." 

"I'm sorry, you did what?" You ask Jake to repeat, trying to process this bit of information. 

"This other kid and I hated each other, and we were constantly getting into it. The worst part is we had lockers right next to each other. He accidentally hit me with his locker, and I lost it. So, I slammed his head right back and we started brawling. Anyways, long story short, our school counselor made us take friendship classes, and taught us breathing techniques. It was all bull shit, but we ended up being friends afterwards, bonding over how stupid friendship class was."

"At least you got some good breathing techniques." 

"Something like that," Jake laughs back. 

"What's this one then? It's new." you say ghosting your lips over the scar you had found again. Jake sighs, glancing at the scar himself. 

"You are going to be mad," he starts. 

"Why would I be mad, honey?"

"I got two more moles removed." The admission makes you pull back and give Jake a weary suspicious glare. 

"Have you not been wearing sunscreen again?"

"No, I've been wearing sunscreen ever since you told me about it, I promise. The Doc just asked about one of them and wanted to do a biopsy. So, I said he might as well just take them all off while he was at it."

"And?" 

"Everything came back benign. Nothing to really worry about, Sugar."

"I always worry about you, Jakers." You sigh with relief and kiss that scar again, enjoying the feeling of having your head pillowed on his arm. 

"I know, I'm sorry." Jake whispers back. You wish he had just left it as I know. 

"I don't want to make you worse, Jake."

"You don't make me worse. I am worse, no one has ever inspired me to act quite as selfishly as you have. I don't even know how to wholly be anymore without you." 

"I just want to make things better for you." 

Jake groans quietly, "Maybe someday it will finally click that you make everything better. That you are stunning, and gorgeous, and just over all the best." 

"We could clear cut a forest, and not find a single tree that's sappier than you Jake." It inspires a quirk of his lips but not the laugh you were hoping for.

"You are probably right," is all Jake says back, continuing to trace shapes into your skin. It's quiet for a long time as you two just exist together, coming down from the emotional turmoil of the night. 

Eventually, You ask, "Jake, where are you?" 

"I don't know. I don't know, Sugar," He sighs and tilts his head back letting out an exhausted breath. 

"Are you in the clouds?" You ask. He thinks before shaking his head no. 

"Are you on the ocean?"

He feels the water around him briefly then settles his hands on your skin again. "It doesn't appear so."

"Are you on base?"

"No." 

"So, where are you?"

"I know I'm here with you sugar, it just doesn't feel real." Jake answers. 

You examine him closely from his wet hair to the defined muscles of his shoulders and neck. How much muscle Jake gained deployment almost pushed him into a category you would describe as too buff, but not actually going over the edge. As you trace the shape of his face you can easily identify what one of the problems is. 

"You are being suffocated," you tell him as your fingers trace up his cheeks and around through his hair there.

"Why do you have a beard Jake?" You ask in a gentle curious tone. 

"I don't have to shave until I go back to work."

"You should shave sooner," You say encouragingly. 

"Too tired," Jake says, stretching out one of his legs in the water. 

"Do you want help?"

"You want to give me a shave, sugar?"

"I'd be willing to give it a go if you feel like it would help," you answer plainly. He thinks about it before nodding. 

"It would." 

That's all you need to hear before you are stepping out of the bath. Immediately you hate how the wet material of your shirt clings to your skin. So, you quickly rip it off and throw it into the shower. Jake groans behind you and you point a finger back at him while grabbing fresh towels and Jake's shaving kit from beside the sink.  

"It's nothing you haven't seen and you can control yourself," you chastise him. 

"But you are so fucking beautiful," Jake groans making absolutely no effort to hide the way his eyes trace over your body. 

"You were two minutes from falling asleep."

"That was before," Jake whines as you come back to the bath and he sees you in even more detail. 

You set the shaving kit to the side within easy reach and settle yourself back into the water. You sit so your bare chest is pressed against his. This makes Jake close his eyes throwing his head back  whispering a quiet "Fuck."

When his eyes open again, they are slightly dilated with lust. It makes you smile at him whispering, "hi there." 

"Hi," he breaths back.

"Hi," you say again, smiling wider. Jake can't stop himself from smiling as well, lips drawn upwards. His hands trace up your bare sides and you give him a small glare. Grabbing his chin you tilt his head back once more. 

"Yup, hold yourself just like that," You tell him, pausing to make sure he doesn't move. You start to lather up some shaving cream spreading it along this neck. 

"Have you shaved someone else before?" Jake questions. 

"Not really. So, you might want to give me pointers. I don't want to cut your pretty face." You answer with a teasing tone. 

Jake hums in acknowledgement thinking for a long moment. Then he starts to detail the intricate shaving ritual he normally keeps. You follow each one of the steps. It's a slow process, shaving him. You are worried that you will cut him or make some other mistake in the process. Jake isn't hesitant or shy about giving you sweet and gentle encouragement. 

Finally, Jake's face is free of hair again. You help wipe away the remaining product, and dab on the aftershave in his kit you brought over. Jake winces but gives you a tentative smile when you stare at him examining your work. You smile back softly, setting things down that are in your way, feeling relieved to be done. 

The two of you finish your bath before getting out and drying off. Wrapping a towel around yourself, you head back to your room changing and settling into bed. Jake follows not long after in a pair of comfy pants and a soft muscle shirt. He asks if he can join you in bed even though you already pulled the covers back while waiting for him. 

Jake takes a bit of shifting to get comfortable until he is laying on his side facing you, meeting your gaze as you shift to see him better. You lift a hand to cup his face enjoying the fresh smooth skin there. 

"Ah, there he is," you say with a soft sigh. The lines of Hangman's face are prominent and easy to follow again. A tear spills from Jake's eye and you push it away gently. Leaning forwards Jake angles his lips to barely brush over yours before he pulls back. 

"Please?" You ask him, going to follow his lips for more. 

"I don't think we should," Jake responds and snuggles his face into your neck to avoid the temptation of your lips. 

"But we fit. We fit perfectly," you whisper. 

"That's exactly the problem," Jake answers. "I won't do wrong by you again. And that means I don't want to rush anything. Are you in a hurry?"

"Does that have a timeline?" You ask, ignoring your frustration. 

"It does in a general sense."

"Care to share?"

"Sure," Jake mutters tiredly into your neck. "I think it's been going for a while. Right?"

"That's right," You answer, letting your hand drift into his long hair. It is almost all the way dry now and fluffy. He had a haircut scheduled before he started work again leaving you only a few days left to savor this. His eyes close, and a small smile graces his face. With a gentle scratch of your nails against his scalp a tiny whine tumbles out of him. Jake seems too tired to care anymore. His nose just nuzzles your neck, and he places a tiny kiss there. You sigh, and resume playing with the silky strands. 

"And how long before we have it all figured out, Honey?" You ask. 

"As I see it, the rest of our lives. So, give or take sixty-ish more years."

"We are making it the long haul huh?"

"Yes, Ma'am. We will, so there's absolutely no reason to start at a sprint." 

"I thought you had a need for speed." You tell him teasingly. 

Jake huffs into your neck, sucking in a deep breath he blows it out slowly tickling your skin. "I have a great comeback for that."

"Oh really?" 

He hums in affirmation. Then he sleepily manages to crack an eye open and looks at you, while he mumbles, "But I am a sleepy boy. Wait, no…  a sleepy man"

You chuckle and kiss Jake's forehead. "Goodnight, sleepy boy"

"Sleepy man," he tries to correct you, but the words are hardly coherent. It takes less than five minutes before Jake is fully asleep, and you aren't far off yourself. Jake is so warm, and itis so easy to match your breaths with his deep even ones. Falling into a dream where you spend sixty years with Jake, even there in your dream you realize that still might not be enough. 

… 

Read the rest of this chapter on AO3. Sorry again, Tumblr wouldn't let me put it all here (and that it's so long). My first reblog of this here on Tumblr has the other half as well.

[thefanciestborrower]

Okok, I know you have your own headcannons an stuff- but like- for the ninja boi's I have a few headcannons if you dont mind me sharing:

Headcannons related to the entire hecking chapter worth of a story I wrote lol:

Cole is absolutely terrified of the dark but won't tell anyone. This means that the only ninja who can eat him without him flipping out is Zane. This is cause, in my personal headcannon, Zane absolutely has glowing insides.

Jay constantly talks big game about eating Cole, but when he finally gets the chance to eat Cole, he ends up almost choking. Now Cole brings it up almost any chance he gets.

Cole has climbed up the kitchen counters multiple times to get to some dessert. Since Cole is about as tall as a hand is long, he normally fills up completely on dessert. He does this often at the worst times, such as before dinner or before a mission. This has gotten so bad that Zane has started hiding any dessert he makes in various places he knows Cole can't see them.

Just kinda general headcannons, not story related:

When any one of the ninjas are too hot in the summer, but they still want to be outside, they practically beg to eat Zane. Like give him the puppy eyes and everything. I think the only ones who can normally convince him though is Cole and Lloyd.

Jay used to playfully shock anyone he didn't ask to be eaten by, but he had to stop when he accidentally shocked Zane with too much electricity (this was after he had tried to pick a fight with Cole in the kitchen). All I have to say is poor Zane. He worked so hard on that spaghetti sauce.

Lloyd, as a kid, would often get in trouble, and as a punishment, get put in "time out," aka eaten. This was always a hassle since he liked to kick and make the one who ate him sick. Zane is the only ninja without a gag reflex and pain receptors, so for a while, he was the only one who would be up to the task.

On that note, once, when Lloyd was younger, he tried to sneak out. He then was then promptly stopped by Sensei Wu, who then woke up Zane to give him a "time out."

And ya! Heres some headcannons for ya 👍

Idk if all of em made sense, so let me know if I need to re-explain anything :)

OH my gosh these are all AMAZING!! Going insane rn

Cole being scared of the dark is something I’ve never really thought about but oh my goodness it’s perfect?? Like idk how to explain it but that just feels right you know? I ALSO think that Zane glows inside so nice to see we’re on the same wavelength there lmao. Like, why not give him some pretty glowy insides you know?

The image of Jay trying to choke down Cole is HYSTERICAL to me like come on buddy what do you think was gonna happen?? There’s no way that would have ended well for him and he deserves to get teased for it 

There’s honestly no way Cole WOULDN’T stuff himself stupid with dessert if shrunk and given the chance okay like that’s absolutely correct and Zane would be the person to hide everything from him. Just put it in the fridge he can’t get in there lmao

Zane is like a nice cool ice cube who doesn’t melt and keeps your core feeling cool of COURSE they’d wanna eat him in the summer! I would too! I would also probably only let Cole and Lloyd eat me lmao cause look, they’re just the teeniest tiniest bit more responsible than the others. Kai, Jay, and Nya are forces of chaos that cannot be contained. Rip Zane…..he didn’t deserve his spaghetti sauce to be exploded. Jay does deserve to zap people though he’s an absolute menace like that and look if you try and eat him without permission then you’re just asking for it at that point. 

YOU ALSO have the ‘little Lloyd getting ate for time out purposes’ headcanon oh my goodness!! Look look the kid was an absolutely feral gremlin okay sometimes you just gotta contain him, and because he BITES then Zane is the only one who can really tolerate that sort of chaos. I like to think Zane has some soundproofing qualities to his internal storage/stomach compartment lmao, so when he gets given Lloyd in the middle of the night he can just tune out the enraged shrieking and complaining. At least until Lloyd tires himself out and finally goes to sleep 

These are all SO GOOD WAAAA if you have any more I’d love to see them lol. That goes for anyone btw give me your headcanons I wanna see!! 

[drawnfamiliarfaces]

First Ninja can easily defeat Chase during Heylin Eclipse. If he finds out about this phenomenon, will he take advantage of the opportunity?

Well, perhaps not easily, but his chances of winning certainly rocket from 15-25% to like, 75-85%!

The thing is, we do not know many details about Heylin Eclipse, the only sure thing is that Chase seems to be unable to use magic freely (but he still can participate in showdowns and use Wu, which imo require some?? sort of minimal magical capacity) and transform into his dragon/lizard form. It also seems that the same magic usually assists Chase in being/reacting faster, since he is easily caught by Wuya (but she is also weakened?? so). Does it just takes away that buff he acquired since becoming Heylin or is the Eclipse actively nerfing him (making him sluggish)?

However, just as Chase himself said, despite lack/suppression of Heylin magic, he is not helpless - he has strategy and experience on his side and not to mention probably 100 tricks up his sleeve AND its one of the rare instances his motto of 'using Wu as a crutch' is nowhere to be seen, because he literally had Serpent's Tail hidden in his gauntlet! (talk about aces in sleeves huh!)

(I kind of wish there was a bit more of that smart and experienced Chase in the episode, instead of what happened.)

So that's mostly the reason why I think First won't get a win too easily. But of course the main question is would he even use that opportunity? TBH I don't think he will go out of his way to do it.

(kinda radnom babbling on under cut, u can ignore it, the point of anwer was said xD)

In my mind, after First VS Chase event, First is too busy doing his stuff to actively worry about Chase. I mean, this guy still has a Sorcerer locked under his town attracting/causing chaos and monsters, and a Ninjanomicon to write and to prepare the future generations to keep Sorcerer locked and Norrisville safe, and probably other dozen things he has to worry about (and unlike Chase, First got only this mortal life and time to deal with it all, lol).

And while, sure, while Chase is a menace and a threat to any capable warrior, Chase also has been around for so long: he has clearly established his place in Hierarchy of Dark forces loooooong before Ninja came around. And yet while participating in wars and causing trouble, he is yet to be the supreme overlord of the world or whatever, so?? Chase kinda leads an existence of eternal evil final boss, doing his evil things and what not. Mostly he is too busy collecting cool warriors, like pokemons or trader cards or whatever.

I feel like in some sense First would understand the whole 'letting evil exist for the sake of the world balance' thing. Because like the XS last episodes established - Chase's existence is a sort of necessary evil that keeps balance from being upset too much on either side. Selfish and Cruel enough to be evil, but also Reasonable and Honorable enough to be sorta neutral good...-ish? I guess the right alignment would Lawful Evil? Though it doesnt really fit completely right, but it somewhere in that ballpark.

(On a side note, IMO about the Sorcerer - he is pretty much clear is not necessarily just Evil, he is more of Chaotic Evil. And Chaos is sort of also neutral, in a sense?? I mean Sorcerer was running around turning people into monsters, causing havoc across continents to gain power to... I dunno, be unstoppable? Cause more chaos and pain? Destroy everything?? Perhaps his goal was to make the World be like Chaos Realm/Land of Shadows? Who knows??? His motivation is as mysterious as his defeat in the finale, lol. But his deal feels more like those World-ending Spiders That Eat from XS, because it seems to me, he basically just gained more power for sake of more Chaos, not like... rule the world or something.)

Also while Chase is bugging First, he is kinda... not actively doing world-ending evil stuff to First's knowledge?

It's like... bothering First is distracting him from doing other evil stuff (he still probably has some schemes going on, but like in the background, not related to First), so First is like 'I could waste energy and effort to put an end to his reign of terror...but i guess i can let him bother me if it stops him from actively doing evil, just for a bit ' (but Chase is certainly doing evil, just nowhere First can see lol).

But, let's suppose First does figure out about Heylin Eclipse. For it to be of any use to First, it has to happen soon and in his lifetime, when he is still physically capable to take on Chase. He also got to plan out how he would defeat Chase (kill or capture him, how to do it and etc.). AND he also got to plan it around his duties to Norrisville. So like, if by incredible stroke of luck, all of it aligns? First might attempt it and most likely win!

But i feel if, it would take much longer (like say 30+ years) for Eclipse to arrive, First would not prioritize capturing Chase over his duties in Norrisville. This dude already wasted most of his life to defeat the Sorcerer (and like a bajillion creatures and monsters to do it), AND he is gonna waste his afterlife to keep him locked up too, just let the poor man rest! xD

(There is now an image in my head of First looking at Chase and going 'Not My Problem' and just peacing out of there.)

So, yeah, while I'm sure First can defeat Chase during Heylin Eclipse, Im not so sure he would actively dedicate himself to doing it.

On ANOTHER, much more shippy note (that u can ignore if its not ur thing), there is something very delicious in the idea that First, knowing such a blatant weakness of Chase's, and just doesn't do anything about it. Perhaps it's because, in some way, First prefers to fight Chase in full power, a much honorable battle no matter if it ends in defeat or victory. Or because it feels like such underhanded tactic of striking when his opponent is at their weakest. Maybe it feels this way because, they are enemies in name only because of their moral alignments, not because either of them actually hate each other (that much lol).

Ooooo just imagine, First and Chase confrontation during Eclipse, Chase fully expecting First to take the opportunity (because its what he will do), but First does the unexpected, and instead of ending the fight, he steps back and that stops Chase on his tracks. And somehow they end up waiting out the Eclipse together, First keeping an eye out for his weakened enemy, while Chase, despite all his previous flirting and needling, is geniuenly baffled by First's behaviour. He really did expect First to take the chance, after all the annoyance and bothering, and just generally First being exasparated with him. But here they are, with Chase at his weakest and First watching his back.... Trully strange.

*eyebrow wiggle*

but thats just silly shippy thoughts haha. I do feel like First will 100% use that opportunity to whoop Chase's ass just to vent all the frustrations about the trouble and annoyances Chase caused.

anyway ye sorry for rambling ;D

[silkythewriter]

General dating headcanons for 2012 Mikey, Donnie, Raph, Leo, and Splinter?

General dating head canons for the 2012 TMNT!

Summary: as said in the title! This General dating headcanons for 2012 Mikey,Donnie,Raph,Leo,and splinter!

Daily song suggestion that ( kinda ) fits with the theme!

Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes! And sorry if they are OOC

Warnings!: This might be a bit bad sense I haven’t watched the show in a few years so this is all based on memory I apologize!

Fandom: Tmnt

🐢Donnie💜

I’m gonna be honest with you he’s probably a simp for you ngl like bro has hearts in his eyes around you- his brothers most likely tease him for it

Mikey always somehow in someway ruins a moment you two are having, about to kiss? Mikey’s doing something idiotic and you both have to make sure he isn’t going to hurt himself- you always laugh it off while Donnie probably mops  about his lost chance with you 💀

He loves talking about his machinery and inventions aswell as some things he’s planning to get to make some new inventions! He mostly only talks to you about sense your the only one listening without spacing off or telling him to stop

Probably goes to April for some dating advice sense your probably his first relationship and he doesn’t know what he’s doing, But he wants to get some in sight to make sure he’s at least doing something right

Let’s you watch him work on his inventions! But he makes sure your at a safe distance where you can’t get burned or hurt by any parts or things he’s using

He’s a doofus sometimes, he try’s to impress you and ends up making a bit of a fool of himself, but you find it adorable!

He likes putting his bandanna on you cause you look adorable with it on his own words not mine

Such a cute honey pie honestly he loves you with all his heart and don’t take that lightly he truly does!

🐢Raph❤️

Mikey slander. That’s it you just watch him slander Mikey

He’s rough and strong infront of his brothers but with you he starts lowering his tough guy persona, don’t get me wrong this man will never ambit he’s soft but you can tell especially when you guys are alone together hanging out

He lets you pet his turtle and feed him both of you for some reason love watching the lil guy eat while just chatting about your day!

He teaches you some self defense moves so when he’s not around he knows you’ll at least put up a good fight, he gets a bit worried sometimes surprisingly so you’ll have to reassure him your fine

He loves when you take care of any scars or marks he has after a particular hard fight, Though he might be in some pain it relaxes him to know your there for him, also he trusts you a lot so, this shows troughs this act

Like Donnie he’s probably a simp for you BUT he’s better at hiding it sometimes he does slip up though and shows it Mikey teased him relentlessly until raph snapped and started chasing the man- you had to step in and try defusing the situation

R.I.P to any one of his brothers if they tried teasing you in front of him, this man will defend you with his last breath Some of them had to learn that the hard way

Over all sweetheart but doesn’t show it much he still loves you though even if it’s hard to show <3

🐢Mikey🧡

Spams you with memes at 3AM so might wanna turn off your notifications 💀

A menace tbh

Very energetic! Keeping up with this guy sometimes seems impossible! his adorableness makes up for that for sure, I mean who could be mad at him? Look at him!

Uses you as a meat shield from his brothers. Dude will come at you in full speed before ducking behind you and grabbing your sides to move you around as raph tries getting him to drop you and fight like a “man” so be prepared for that

Sometimes he can be an idiot but in a cute way!

I feel like he love’s physical affection so hugging,cuddling,handholding,etc! He likes to hold your hand and swing it as you guys walk together it’s honestly adorable- he also loves giving you hugs from the side randomly trough out the day!

Sometimes after some rough fights he loves to cuddle up with you as you kiss his head and complement him for his hard work, it makes him feel appreciated and loved! He also loves playing mini games with you on his free time! Like hiding seek or tag

Splinter sometimes scolds him for skipping training to hang out with you while Mikey just laughs it off, He’d be more careful sneaking off to you cause he doesn’t wanna get you in trouble too

Does that thing where you poke someone over and over again and saying their name again and again till they pay attention to you, it can be annoying sometimes but it’s honestly adorable how happy he gets when you finally give him attention! You cant stayed annoyed too long he doesn’t mean to be annoying…… at least sometimes….

Overall he’s a very energetic boyfriend! He’s sweet though! And he tires his best for you so just keep that in mind!

🐢Leo💙

I feel like he’s the chillest boyfriend out of this list

He likes showing off the new moves splinter taught him! He takes you trough each step of learning it even if you won’t use it he still likes explaining it!

Like Raph Leo teaches you some defense moves! But just the basics nothing to much only punching,kicking,dodging, etc

He likes discussing he’s plans with you! He also likes your in put if he should fix or rearrange some things in the plan to make it work more efficiently

He likes to lay his head on your lap as he rambles on about his day and his brothers, but would also love to hear how you day has been going!

sense he’s a mutant he can’t really take you on date to fancy restaurants or arcades or the mall sense it would draw so much attention- so! He makes a make shift date with a table two seats/pillows, some pizza, and a few roses he managed to pick in the night from a random garden he found.

He loves to watch films with you and just chill out in the layer while eating pizza or playing a game!

Overall hes one of the more chill boyfriend’s outta all of them at least in my headcanon but he’s still fun to hand out with! Especially when you guys go out ( at night of course) and just chill in the empty almost abandoned parks

Splinter

(This one might be a bit short)

Okay so! I feel like he lets you watch him and the turtles train new moves and such!

He likes embarrassing them infront of you by saying some sassy re mark or something else in that nature of course no harm done! Just a little funny comment

He’s a gentleman for sure you know opening doors for you, kissing your hand,and other things

I feel like he has baby pictures of the four turtles after they mutated and looked like lil baby’s it’s honestly adorable he especially likes doing this infront of them as you gush about how cute they were as kids, they get super embarrassed

I feel like he would teach some moves but unlike the rest he’d actually show you some more hard ones just incase,he does have a lot of enemy’s so I’d be dangerous if they knew splinter had a new lover, even more dangerous if they knew it was you

He meditates a lot so I feel like he would let you join if your up for it!, it’s really calming and relaxing it’s also a way to get away from the 4 almost always fighting turtles

I feel like the turtles see you as a second parental figure like a mom/dad/parent which splinter is pleased to find out!

He lets you brush your fingers trough his fur, it’s actually really soft surprisingly!

Sorry this took so long I apologize! Also sorry if they are OOC sense ( like I said in the beginning!) I haven’t watched the show in a while but I hope you enjoyed either way!

[howinkonvenient]

time and time again I'm reminded that so many misinterpret spinel in future (and in general really) and it makes me terribly sad

that girl is critically low on empathy, emotional maturity/regulation, and people skills. she doesn't know how to relate to people and she's often too self centered to really be able to see things from others perspectives. this doesn't make her a bad person but absolutely makes it difficult to be the friend she was made to be

and that never got magically fixed by the time future rolls around! she is still the same person she has always been, changed by her trauma absolutely, but I see so many confuse that change for a certain kind of emotional maturity that she just lacks

she has grown by the time future happens! she's way happier with the diamonds who treat her with the love and respect she so sorely needed that she never really got with pink! because the diamonds are also growing and changing past the people they were before! but she's not at the point where she's ready to process everything that's happened. she's fine and better now (through her own emphasis) despite the fact that that clearly isn't the case

like, I know it gets played for comedy, but what she did to steven and the earth does still eat at her to the point she's willing to blame steven turning into a monster completely on herself (even denying that white had anything to do with it because she feels that bad about it)

and she doesn't give steven any actually helpful advice cause she's just a terrible person for that! and that's fine!! her going through her character arc of choosing to move forward despite feeling like all you can be is a terrible villain because of the pain you've suffered, doesn't magically equip her with the skills to be a good friend lmao. she's still terrible at it actually! and this also isn't a bad thing, she just needs more time and support to develop those skills (things she hasn't acquired in the short time between the movie and future!)

I think the people making these claims often forget that this isn't spinel's story also, it's steven's. steven is far past the point where he wants to spend more time with people he doesn't like for the chance of them doing better (in this case the diamonds and spinel). that isnt to say that they're fixed in the slightest! quite the opposite really! but steven isn't dwelling on them so we don't get to see past the hints here and there in the background

but to say that spinel is fixed? that she's a totally different character and way lamer compared to when she was having a catastrophic meltdown? y'all just weren't paying attention to her

[symphonic-scream]

I'd love to hear about trans haru in relation to makoto!

You're unlocking the floodgate for this one

So. I picture this version of them, would meet in their first year, Makoto as a little council member doing surveys around the school, and Haru just. He's got a crush on her and keeps doing the surveys, thinking he doesn't stand a chance

She eventually keeps making "extra" trips to the gardening club. He nervously asks her out after winter break, in their third semester. She says yes. They see a movie, share a soft kiss in the falling snow in Inokashira park, and he tells her in soft words that he wasn't born a boy

Makoto doesn't know what that means. Just, asks him if he'd want her to call him her boyfriend. He goes all pink and nods, asking if that makes her his girlfriend. There's a second of pause. Then a soft "yeah, I'd like that,"

(cause. This would be a Gender Thieves collective. This Makoto is, a Non Conforming Makoto. Goes by any pronouns, but is generally slightly more masc)

Second year happens. Makoto spends summer break visiting Haru post top, playing with his hair as he mumbles, rather gone on pain meds, and learning to make his favourite comfort soups. He tells her he loves her, many times, on the edge of floaty sleep. She tells it to him the day they can safely remove his bandages, following a soft, tender kiss

Then plot happens. They're in third year. Haru's dad expects him to take over the business. Makoto is feeling the most stress ever, and feels like she's not good enough. Through it all, they are still there for each other, but both wish to not bother the other

The night Sae yells at Makoto, for eating away at her life, Makoto doesn't sleep at home. She calls Haru all watery and he gets a staff member to bring Makoto over and

Makoto hates crying, especially in front of others. It's childish and weak and so many things. But Haru cries with her, and he holds her tightly, and she softly whispers a request, "please, tell me I mean something to you. That, I'm useful, in any way,"

And he does. And it's not hard at all. He keeps whispering such things as the fall asleep, and secretly he knows Makoto won't fully believe him just like that, that this is a deeper thing. He hopes she'll open up to him for help after this though

Instead Persona shit happens

Makoto makes sure Haru knows how much she's grateful for what he did after. Kisses him stupid and holds his rosy cheeks as she tells him just how much she appreciates his support in her life. Cause, she loves him, so fucking much

Plot aside, he'd help her explore the whole "non conforming thing" and use different terms and such in different days at her request. He'd help her try binding, safely, and figure out what helps on the less feminine days

They're close in height, maybe Makoto would be 5 cm shorter, or less. The slow way she grows confident after awakening Johanna, and how Haru feels like he won the lottery, and gets to fall for her all over again

Makoto calls him Loverboy a lot. It starts out teasing but, her voice is filled with such affection. And Haru just, goes through a mix of "Darling", "Dearest", "Dearheart", etc. doting little nicknames, that make his more grungy partner flustered and try to hide her face in his neck,

He'd like wearing her big jackets, and when she denies being cold after he gently takes her hands and uses warm breaths and his own hands to warm hers, and then tie his long scarf around her too

Haru doesn't like having the reigns. He likes taking things as they flow. And this new Makoto, they like plans, sure, but has come to adore spontaneity. She'll text him between classes to plan a date for that evening, even if it's just studying. She loves to see his ears go bright red when she just decides to kiss him until his mind is goo

Just. I have so many thoughts on this. Haru noticing that Makoto's binding on certain days and makes a point to call them his boyfriend, just to see that adoring sparkle in those red eyes. The first time he did it, Makoto hugged him real warmly. He gets it. The euphoria

He makes two boxed lunches every morning, because he knows Makoto will have forgotten in the mess of other things she does each day. When he gets little nicks from botched shaving attempts, she kisses the little spots and drags the amab Thieves to give him tips

They're just. I have many thoughts I'm sorry

[azems-familiar]

thank you for your in-depth answer to my fallen!cal ask, totally agree with you 100%!! interested to hear more on your thoughts about why cal is already fallen, and not just struggling, if you're happy to share?

also, cannot wait to read your fic!!

i am absolutely happy to share!

so let me preface this with the how i see the Force and falling. the Force is not an axis of morality; it is selflessness versus selfishness. those do tend to lean fairly closely to specific moral alignments, because of the general existence of sapien nature, in which selfishness encourages more selfishness and drawing power from anger and fear and hatred encourages you to wallow in it more and more thoroughly and corrupts very easily, and selflessness often leads to or spawns from kindness and compassion, but the point being that the Force is not a video game mechanic and not tied to your morality, so someone can do objectively good things with evil intentions, and someone can be fallen and connect to the Force through selfishness and still be fighting the morally correct fight and still do good things.

to me, falling is a choice. a person can slip up and use the dark side on occasion without falling; it happens, where you react emotionally and lash out, where selfishness takes over, where desperation causes you to grab onto your pain instead of letting it go - this is why the Jedi train mindfulness so hard, so that they don't act on their emotions without considering the emotion first, because it's very very easy to do and it's dangerous. you can slip up and use the dark a few times and still be a lightsider (though not regularly, and as soon as it becomes a deliberate thing you're going to fall - like i said, it's a choice). but falling is when you look at yourself and you look at the world and you decide to put yourself above it in whatever way, you decide to hold onto your negative emotions instead of letting them go.

falling is Cal choosing to fight Bode instead of letting him go and going back to try to save Cere and the others. it's Cal refusing to even try to understand, refusing to listen, clinging to his anger and his betrayal and his grief, and massacring an entire ISB listening post to attempt to get to one man, even knowing (especially knowing) that said man has a child with him and made the choices he did out of desperation and fear. it is Cal taking out his anger and grief about Cere on Denvik.

Cal made a choice. and the thing with the Dark is that it can eat you if you aren't careful, it's so easy to lose control, and i do think that Cal's actions on Nova Garon are a result of him losing control somewhat, but he knowingly, willingly made the choice. and whether he makes morally correct decisions or not, he is still drawing his power off that anger and grief. he's definitely not stuck there, but it's where he's at right now.

something i also want to add in here is - i generally see the Force as, every Force user will face The Choice at some point in their life. the choice between the galaxy and the self, the choice between light and dark, between holding on and letting go - and that choice will look different depending on the person, because one person's letting go might be another person's holding on. i could get into a fascinating discussion on duty as attachment versus duty as letting go but that is... not for this ask, i don't think.

and, since you're so nice, have a little snippet (this is totally unedited so don't come at me if it's bad djkfghkjh)

For a moment he just stands looking at the dead body, taking the chance to catch his breath - Bode isn’t going to be going anywhere, after all, not with his fighter unflyable, and Cal knows just from their brief clash on Jedha he’s going to need all his strength for this. And then BD shrills a warning, and the Force screams danger, and he spins around as a stormtrooper with a shock baton launches from somewhere he hadn’t noticed, and he yanks his sabers up to block but he’s still going to be too late-

The sound of blasterfire echoes through the hangar and the stormtrooper topples forward, swing going wide, as a pair of blue blaster bolts bury themselves in their back. Cal lifts his head and makes eye contact with- with Bode, blaster still out, standing at the far end of the hangar near his disabled fighter.

“You always forget to watch your six,” Bode says.

What the hell, Cal almost says, and doesn’t. “Shoot me in the back, then,” he snaps instead, reaching for all that anger and letting it flow through him, bleed into his sabers and into his aura and into every breath he takes. “Isn’t that what you did to Cere?”

[lunapwrites]

So, I have been kind of Going Through It this month, and I need to scream about it briefly because if I don't I will explode.

General content warning I suppose for health-related stuff and a LOT of discussions about food. Not ED-related.

I'm not going to get into specifics (if you know you will know) but I have an autoimmune disease that has been in remission since... fuck, like... 2015? So I've literally had EIGHT YEARS of smooth sailing. Until this month.

It could have been triggered by one of several things: stress, diet, maybe even the smoke from Canada (which is very possible given the whole immune response bit.) Or it could have just been my time to have a bad time. But either way, I have spent the last couple weeks in the "finding out" phase of the "what the fuck can I eat that won't make me feel like I want to die" game.

It has been extremely trying.

I'm currently on a modified low-FODMAP diet - both less and more restricted bc I can't eat half the shit on it, but also FODMAPs aren't necessarily the trigger - there's just a lot of overlap. Most of what I've been able to successfully tolerate for the last few weeks has been white bread, white rice, eggs, unsweetened applesauce, bananas, and avocado. None of it seasoned. Green and white teas have been mostly OK too.

I don't know if I can really stress enough how fucking miserable this is.

Like seriously I had to sit through a dinner with my in laws where the only actual safe thing for me to eat was kaiser rolls so I ended up sitting there in a small amount of pain for the rest of the evening because I wanted to see if there was ANYTHING I could get away with. I had a plate of brownies in front of me that I literally COULD NOT TOUCH, not because I'm trying to watch my weight, but because I'm trying to be able to walk back to the car under my own power. And it wasn't my in-laws' fault, because they had no idea I'm in the middle of a fucking medical event when they cooked the food, and it's not my partner's fault bc he asked me what I could eat before we even left and I said, honestly, that I had no idea, and let's just play it by ear. (Like an idiot!)

Anyway. I feel like I'm just being whiny about this but like. Cooking was hard enough with how bad my ADHD is, and I was just getting into a rhythm with these meal kits I was trying out, and they are GOOD and I have BEEN ENJOYING THEM but I literally just tried to start eating the occasional salad and my body responded by bleeding internally, and the only thing I can do right now is to just stop actually enjoying food. Which, considering I fucking love food - it's my love language, I find legitimate joy in sharing meals, I even write it into every goddamn fic I've ever written - it is quite possibly one of the most devastating things that could have happened to me. To have this one little thing I found joy in not just be taken away from me, but actively cause me intense pain. And not only that, but to have the solution be something that makes a thing I was already struggling with a million times harder.

This fucking sucks, and I am angry. And also really fucking sad.

It also doesn't help that I have an extremely high chance of developing essential tremors as I get older, which will make things like art and feeding myself next to impossible over time, so like. Really. Really doing a lot to give me things to look forward to in the back half of my life. Thanks, body.

[crepuscularqueens]

tagged by @infp-obsessing-over-everything thank you so much!!!

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 -> don’t care either way

10 -> very enticed

nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged.

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional

Age Gap: 0

i guess it really depends on context of canon and whether this is an AU or not. it’s not something i’m actively interested in or seeking out, if it exists within a dynamic i already like then it’s fine.

Codependency: 10

i love when characters are little freaks about each other i’m eating it up, thank you :)

Enemies to lovers: 10

hell yeah. literally one of my favorite journeys ever, especially when it’s a long and complicated journey but messed up feelings were present all along!!

Enemies With Benefits: 7

also delicious, but it has to be written just right

Fake Dating/Relationship: 7

i LOOOOOVE a good fake dating fic, but again i’m a little picky about it. you have to convince me that these weirdos believe that this is an absolutely necessary measure to take, life and death, even if the stakes are just ‘i will be so embarrassed if someone finds out we were lying’. they have to be willing to crazy commit to this bit.

Found Family: 0

not something i generally look for in my fic, but if it’s part of a fic that interests me anyway i’m not mad about it. if it’s well done then i will definitely appreciate it and have a lot of feelings about it

Friends To Lovers: 2

usually has to be accompanied by something else that will grab my attention, but if it comes rec’d by someone i trust and there’s a lot of pining then i’m there

Friends With Benefits: 5

can definitely be good

Hurt/Comfort: 8

i do appreciate some good hurt/comfort

Love Triangle: only if they get poly about it

Mistaken/Hidden Identity: 2

truly depends on the context of the pairing and what the characters are like in canon

Monster Fu… Relationship: 10

hell yeah

Obsession, Possessiveness, etc: 0

another one that depends on the context of the pairing, it’s typically not my cup of tea but i’ve read fics where it works. it’s not something that reels me in, though

Opposites (like grumpy×sunshine, etc): 10

a dynamic i like, especially when it’s given more depth (sunshine is hiding pain and needs to learn how to be okay with not always being okay, etc.)

Poly: 5

if i’m looking in a tag for a poly relationship, then obviously yes, but i’ve also been pleasantly surprised when i’ve been looking for just a two character pairing and come across poly fics that are really really good

Pregnancy: -10

not something i’m remotely interested in

Second Chance: 4

pending author’s description, i need to know how bad the situation that caused the need for a second chance was, but it is good for some angst filled pining when done right.

Sex To Feelings: 2

doesn’t typically affect whether im interested in or will click on the fic, but it’s good!

Slowburn: 5

i LOVE a slowburn, but if it’s a really long fic i might not have the energy at that moment to get into it

Soulmates: 0

not something i’m typically interested in unless i trust the author. i’ve read a few very well done ones, though!

tagging @nymhciv @sambambucky @void-zi

[dramatic-shitpost-poet]

i saw on the mo confessions page that putty has ibs and it makes SO much sense because hes had several digestive problems throughout the show. im finding some evidence or just a few links:

-obvious one is in the movie ep when putty reports to bloberta that the tuna cone would give him explosive diarrhea.

-in be fruitful in multiply he buys hemorrhoid cream and hemorrhoid friendly toilet paper.

-this may not even count but he lost an eating contest once (poster in his office in gods image)

-he eats a lot of sodium foods (jeezits and lonely man dinners) which could flare up some of his digestive problems

i could also see him having heart problems too from how he eats and his loneliness and it gets worse over time when he ages

sorry for my rambling im obsessed with the sickly peepaw and i want to doctor him up

MY IBS GANG!!

I actually think I might have submitted that confession just from the Bloberta tuna thing alone. I need more IBS rep man..

I was surprised at how many people agree with me but I am glad of it!! I like how we got a solid paragraph worth of evidence too. I may need to write about this lol

Thank you so much for listing off instances for me! I appreciate it and I love sickly peepaw too. I am curious about the heart issues though. Like, I see it with his age and all the sodium he eats, but if you want to add more, please feel free!!! You can use an emoji to make you distinct, anon. I also think of legit dying from a broken heart for Revs. You can legit die from a broken heart if your emotional state is so unstable that it tears your heart strings and with his health and diet as he ages, it could happen. That covers it physically but in a story line it would be kind of like cruel irony. He was *supposedly* born on Valentine's day and he has so much trouble with love or just isolation in general. And love (and valentines day in general) is connected to hearts. It would be very cruel irony for him to die by a broken heart since he struggles so much with love and his mental health. It makes sense metaphorically and physically for him to have heart issues.

As someone with that #ibs, I will add some things. For the eating contest, I know if I have a BAD day with a flare up, it makes me lose my appetite and just kinda give up. It hurts like a mf. He may have lost it because chances are, no actual good foods were in that eating contest and major sodium probably causes flare ups most in him. He got sick or flares up so bad he had to stop and just cry because IBS pain. The sodium may also have caused a tachycardia episode..

For his IBS, i think it's more diarrhea type than constipation which... i think is IBS-D? Cant remember.

Anyways, thank you so much, anon!!!! I wish to gush about this for a long time. I must discuss my old man. Also, I had (or have?) A medical hyperfixation so I know a LOT. Also, I got the mad scientist shit on my blog. Also, I'm a biochem major or science major in general really. I got a lot.

Seriously though, send more.

[hawkeyedflame]

What are ways to eat more meat if you dont like the texture or taste of meat? I can't even eat soy/tofu because it's too close to meat and so unappetizing

That's a tough problem. Meat has so many different textures depending on the animal, cut, and how it's been cooked. Do you hate all meat texture? I find that ground beef, steak and a braised roast all have wildly different mouthfeel and flavor, and the amount of fat in the cut makes a huge difference too. Lean ground beef is pretty awful, but if it's 80% lean to 20% fat (or, better, 75-25 or even 70-30) then the flavor and mouthfeel are much different. I don't know your specific situation or the things you've already tried, so all I can really do is spitball and see if anything useful comes out.

If you're just trying to increase your meat consumption in addition to your normal diet, you could eat more bone broth based soups/stews or use broth instead of water for some of your cooking (like rice). If you like spices, you may be able to cover up the flavor with something strong like cayenne, lemon, garlic, etc.

Also, I've not gone through this myself but I know a few people who had aversions to the flavor/sight/texture of meat who turned it around completely when they cut down on sugar. It is general knowledge in the field of gut microbiology that your gut flora can have a powerful chemical effect on your body, including altering your mood and taste preferences. For example, Candida species are known to cause sugar cravings. I don't have any information about your diet or overall health to go on aside from what you've told me, but if you have a serious aversion to meat, I would not be surprised to hear that you have other gastrointestinal symptoms typical of someone with gut dysbiosis. Constipation, diarrhea (either chronic or seemingly sporadic), stomach pains, intestinal cramps or gas, etc. If you eat a lot of carbohydrate-heavy foods, you will likely find it very beneficial to cut them down to the degree that you can tolerate long-term (maybe cut them all the way out if you feel you could maintain that), and that stands a good chance of improving your relationship with meat as well.

I hope that there's at least one little nugget of useful information in here for you, anon. I wish I had a more concrete solution to offer!

[mesillusionssousecstasy]

Ginny & Georgia Season 2: Quotes

- “Ten minutes, or I’m taking away your phone. (Ellen Baker) - Good. We’re wasting our lives chained to these screens for our dopamine hits. Does it actually make us more fulfilled? No.” (Marcus - Episode 1)

- “Uh-uh. I’m just gonna smile and be pleasant. That’s what families do on holidays. Pretend to like each other, damn it.” (Ginny - Episode 1)

- “I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m numb. I’m generally numb.” (Episode 1)

- “So love you, mean it, hate you, kidding, bye.” (Maxine - Episode 1)

- “Ginny, life is a game. And if you’re not playing, chances are you’re the one getting played.” (Georgia - Episode 2) 

- “You’re just gonna stroll in after a week with an air of mystique and zero explanation?” (Georgia - Episode 2)

- “We’re gonna talk a lot about what you think and what you feel, because that’s gonna influence what you do.” (Therapist - Episode 2)

- “Why does everything have to be so terrible all the time, forever?” (Episode 2)

- “It’s the free will theory on a theological spectrum. And on the basis of Buddhism, we suffer so we know happiness. Also, people are dicks.” (Marcus - Episode 2)

- “At some point, you get tired of being played with. Trust is a funny thing. It’s so easily abused. And betrayal leaves a metallic taste.” (Ginny - Episode 3)

- “Hey, how high do I have to be to never think anything ever again?” (Episode 3)

- “It sucks when you’re with someone and you’re into them way more than they’re into you.” (Padma - Episode 3)

- “Why’d you do it, Mom? (Ginny) - Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” (Georgia - Episode 3)

- *But you have to live for the future, ‘cause the past’ll eat you. There’s more to life than that hell.” (Episode 3)

- “You don’t get to be the decider of the moral high ground.” (Episode 4)

- “Do I remember a missing person’s case from over a decade ago?” (Episode 4)

- “I’m the one who’s mad, not you. (Max) - Oh, I’m sorry, Max. Did I disrupt the equilibrium of the universe by suggesting that something not be centered around you? You talk a lot, but it’s not all quality.” (Ginny - Episode 4)

- “Do you ever feel all this pressure to just fit in everywhere and act perfect all the time? (Ginny - Episode 4)

- “I call it glitter magic. Add a little sparkle to anything, and no one will see the ugly underneath.” (Georgia - Episode 6)

- “’cause he doesn’t know that you’re not Jesse, the third-grade teacher and that you’re actually a low-budget Keith Mars here to ruin my day.” (Georgia - reference to Veronica Mars - Episode 6)

- “You know, the enemy of happiness is wanting things.” (Marcus - Episode 6)

- “Sometimes, it’s better to apologize after than to ask for permission before.” (Episode 6)

- “Never let ‘em see you cry. Strong face, strong front. What they don’t know, they can’t use against you.” (Georgia - Episode 7)

- “G, I’ve changed. (Gil) - So you said. (Georgia) - You don’t believe people can change? (Gil) - Sure they can, just not for the better.” (Georgia) 

- “Yeah, but no one’s allowed to get over me. That’s the rule.” (Episode 7)

- “Okay. Where do you think we are, Euphoria? Let’s go.” (Maxine - Episode 7 - reference to Euphoria)

- “That’s the problem. No one person should be responsible for your happiness. That’s not fair. You shouldn’t be with me, but you shouldn’t be with her either. We both got something that we needed, and we wished it was with... someone else.” (Episode 8)

- “You know what? I hate promises because anyone who has ever made a promise to me has broken it because they’re liars.” (Ginny - Episode 8)

- “I don’t have room... for anyone else’s pain right now.” (Marcus - Episode 8)

- “But being loved takes work too. I don’t have it in me to be loved right now.” (Marcus - Episode 8)

- “You know, there’s nothing more dangerous than a beautiful girl. (Gil) - Sure there is. A violent man.” (Georgia - Episode 9) 

- “Ready to see where they put the Curriculum 2 kids? Yeah, where the lighting’s bad and the standards are low.” (Abby - Episode 9)

- “No one else you purposely or accidentally unalived?” (Ginny - Episode 9)

- “I know you don’t like me. - It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I hate you.” (Episode 9)

- “You seek me out. You come to me at Christmas Eve, you flirt with me. I don’t know what you’re doing, Georgia, or why you’re doing it.” (Joe - Episode 9)

- “He’s a troubled kid, but he loves you. He’s just got his own demons. He recognizes that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Love isn’t enough though. I wish it was, but it isn’t always.” (Georgia - Episode 9)

- “I don’t want you guys to see that ugliness ever, but that ugliness exists, and I can’t always shield you from it. But we can get through anything if we stick together, right?” (Georgia - Episode 9)

- “You guys are fine, right? Not emotionally scarred beyond repair?” (Georgia - Episode 10)

- “But I kinda just started getting over you, and this kinda feels like a weird thing for you to do. Do you still have feelings for me? (Marcus) - I just thought it was real. Just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.” (Ginny - Episode 10)

- “I don’t know, exes are annoying, in that they’re, like, still alive even after they break up with you.” (Episode 10)

- “It doesn’t always have to be fine, Abigail, okay? (Norah) - Yeah, boys are very pointless.” (Abigail - Episode 10)

- “I get why you did it. It’s noble... to let someone who loves you go if you’re only gonna hurt’em.” (Georgia - Episode 10)

- “Don’t you think I know this is what I’ve always wanted? I don’t belong here, okay? I’m a fraud. I’m a con artist. I’m a phony. I’m a damaged, unlovable, trailer-park teen mom murderer. I told ya, love isn’t enough. (Georgia) - Why don’t you think you deserve happiness? (Ginny) - I do not trust happiness. There’s a difference. He wouldn’t wanna marry me if he knew everything.” (Georgia - Episode 10)

- “You were there for me when I needed you, and then you weren’t there anymore, and I felt that. And then I heard you tell Max that you didn’t wanna be with me. You needed me to be there for you. (Ginny) - Okay, you hate me. I deserve it. Okay, I didn’t mean for things to get this far. It kind of just happened.” (Marcus - Episode 10)

- “Do I mind?” (Episode 10)  - “Yes, I mind. You’re a child. I’m not giving you substances.” (Joe - Episode 10)