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the-darklings · 4 years

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coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective.

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part.

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that.

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing.

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager.

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now.

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash.

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But.

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts.

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed.

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm.

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received.

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy.

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely.

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem.

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself.

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too.

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020.

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call.

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind.

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.

So I didn’t.

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest.

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back.

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either.

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that.

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited.

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly.

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you.

Love,

- Kat.

#kat speaks #blog psa #i suppose

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just-stop · 3 years

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From AFLW to roller derby, experts say its time to take concussion in women's sport seriously

When the Crows chase their third AFLW premiership on Saturday, captain Chelsea Randall will be watching from the sidelines.

A concussion from a collision during last week's preliminary final left her ruled out of the match.

It's a bitter sweet way to end a season — but as Sarah McCarthy knows, a concussion can have much longer consequences

In 2016, Sarah was the jammer for her Sydney roller derby team, skating at high speed in the league's Grand Final, aiming to get past the opposition and score points.

Risks of contact sport

Sarah McCarthy received a knock to the head during a roller derby match.

"I was a few feet in front of the pack, looking over my shoulder," she tells ABC RN's Sporty.

As she skated, a competitor's elbow hit Sarah's neck and jaw hard and she crashed to the ground.

She doesn't remember if she passed out or not, but recalls feeling briefly sick.

She got up, sat out for awhile, but later re-joined the bout, feeling reasonably ok.

It was Sarah's second concussion that week, having had an earlier blow at training.

The next few months passed in a blur of sickness, dizziness and ringing ears.

"I could barely make it past lunch time without falling asleep. My head felt like it was in a vice 24 hours a day," she says.

What was worse, says Sarah, was the memory loss, heightened emotions, and constant haze in her mind as she struggled to manage a big work project.

Sarah's experience is not out of the ordinary. Experts say sportswomen are at higher risk of concussion than male athletes, and the effects of concussion in women tend to be more severe.

Sarah still lives with the ongoing after effects of her concussion even today.

Almost five years on, Sarah continues to live with the implications of Post Concussion Syndrome.

"I struggled verbally, and I still do now if I have a poor night's sleep," Sarah says.

"It's almost like I'm sitting on a chair in a room with a curtain around me and all of my vocabulary is just beyond the curtain. And I can't reach it or I use the wrong words. I forget people's name all the time," she says.

"I'm fatigued every day. I still can't exercise. I can't handle stress, I can't handle light, I can't handle sounds."

What happens when you're concussed?

Dr Adrian Cohen, an emergency and trauma physician who researches concussion prevention, says concussion is not as simple as was once thought.

He says concussion results in less blood flow to the brain.

This means brain cells, called neurons, don't get enough oxygen and glucose. They also suffer a "structural deformity".

Basically, Dr Cohen says, the brain has a "metabolic crisis" and neurons stop working properly.

Why is concussion more common in women?

We don't have enough data on the size of the problem, Dr Cohen says.

But research and scrutiny of concussion in women in sport is growing — largely in the wake of developments in elite men's sport such as the AFL and NFL.

"Doctors like myself who work in this area are definitely seeing it more often and we're seeing it with more severity," Dr Cohen says.

He says women sustain more concussions than men in high-impact sports such as rugby league, rugby union and Australian rules football. Women also take longer to recover.

One possibility is that women may be more likely to report concussion.

But Dr Cohen says there are complex physiological factors at play.

"There are structural differences between men and women's brains," he says.

"They actually have a slightly faster metabolism than male brains, and they have slightly greater oxygen flow to the head.

"The cells themselves can be thought of as being slightly hungrier. So in the context of an injury that disrupts the supply of glucose and oxygen, it can help explain why they suffer more damage."

He also says women are joining high impact sports without years of tackle training and have had less opportunity to build up the strong neck muscles crucial in protecting against impact.

Dr Cohen says these factors are not an argument for reducing women's participation in contact sport — the benefits, he says, far outweigh the risks — but he is urging for new ways to minimise those risks.

"We have to outlaw illegal play that causes damage, we have to get people off the field when they have an injury, we have to recognise concussion," he says.

He is part of a team developing a new device which he says can quickly and accurately assess a player for concussion.

"Instead of just asking somebody whether they're okay, and putting [them] through a 10 minute test, which seems fundamentally flawed at the moment, we have got to put this in the field of objectivity."

Concussion and migranes

Dr Rowena Mobbs, a Macquarie University neurologist who researches and treats the effects of concussion in sportspeople, says there is truth to suggestions that women experience concussion symptoms more severely.

"But there is this really important overlap of chronic migraine after trauma, and the term for this is post-traumatic headache," she says.

"When we talk about migraine ... they're the same multitude of symptoms that can occur in concussion.

"So you can be dizzy and clouded in your thinking, lethargic and have double vision. And we know that women are at three times the risk of chronic migraine than men."

A woman on roller skates playing roller derby can be seen flying up the court.

Experts say more research is needed into concussion in sportswomen.(Liam Mitchell Photography )

She suggests there could be an association between chronic migraine syndrome and concussion, a kind of double whammy for women.

"It's really a complex area," Dr Mobbs says.

"It's fairly new to research because, unfortunately, there's been so much preferred research in men in sport, and we're only just now approaching female concussion."

In Australia, the Sports Brain Bank works on diseases such as chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) and other brain disorders associated with previous concussions or head impacts.

Dr Cohen says there are several Australian sports women who've pledged to donate their brain to the Sports Brain Bank.

"But in general terms, these women won't have been playing the games for as long, and at as high a level," he says.

He says concussion and its long-term consequences "are a numbers game".

"The more impacts to the head you have, the more likely you are to suffer short, medium and long-term consequences. Therefore, the more likely it is to show up as CTE. But we're going to be seeing it in women unfortunately, in the not too distant future."

Invisible injuries

Concussion rules are changing in Australian football codes — the rules that mandated Randall miss the AFLW grand final were brought in earlier this year.

Dr Mobbs welcomes these new rules, but hopes the conversation in elite sport will extend to how concussion is managed at training and in community sport.

In 2019, the Australian Institute of Sport released an updated set of concussion guidelines to improve player safety and address rising concerns in the community around the links between concussion and CTE, which has been linked to dementia and behavioural problems.

Dr Mobbs wants measures like restricting heading the ball in soccer training to be considered.

"We must look after people's brains," she says.

"We can preserve what we love about the sports, they can still be played hard, but it just means that we've got to all get together and think of ways we can preserve brain health for these players."

Sarah McCarthy wishes she'd been stopped from returning to play in the 2016 grand final, and regrets not taking time to immediately rest after the injuries.

She has advice for other people who experience concussion.

"First and foremost, stop everything - stop," she says.

"If you can, stay in a dark room, don't do anything that's too mentally taxing. Don't exercise.

"If I had taken that four to six weeks to rest [and] not have too much mental and emotional stimulation, I think my recovery would have been a lot quicker."

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magnetictapedatastorage · 4 years

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I’ve started keeping a list of questions, remnants of a past life that I now need a beat or two to remember, if I can remember at all: What time do parties end? How tall is my boss? What does a bar smell like? Are babies heavy? Does my dentist have a mustache? On what street was the good sandwich place near work, the one that toasted its bread? How much does a movie popcorn cost? What do people talk about when they don’t have a global disaster to talk about all the time? You have to wear high heels the whole night? It’s more baffling than distressing, most of the time.

Full text of the (excellent) article is under the cut. (The Atlantic, March 8th, 2021)

I first became aware that I was losing my mind in late December. It was a Friday night, the start of my 40-somethingth pandemic weekend: Hours and hours with no work to distract me, and outside temperatures prohibitive of anything other than staying in. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to fill the time. “What did I used to … do on weekends?” I asked my boyfriend, like a soap-opera amnesiac. He couldn’t really remember either.

Since then, I can’t stop noticing all the things I’m forgetting. Sometimes I grasp at a word or a name. Sometimes I walk into the kitchen and find myself bewildered as to why I am there. (At one point during the writing of this article, I absentmindedly cleaned my glasses with nail-polish remover.) Other times, the forgetting feels like someone is taking a chisel to the bedrock of my brain, prying everything loose. I’ve started keeping a list of questions, remnants of a past life that I now need a beat or two to remember, if I can remember at all: What time do parties end? How tall is my boss? What does a bar smell like? Are babies heavy? Does my dentist have a mustache? On what street was the good sandwich place near work, the one that toasted its bread? How much does a movie popcorn cost? What do people talk about when they don’t have a global disaster to talk about all the time? You have to wear high heels the whole night? It’s more baffling than distressing, most of the time.

RECOMMENDED READING

There’s No Real Reason to Eat 3 Meals a DayAMANDA MULL

The Pandemic’s Future Hangs in SuspenseTHE COVID TRACKING PROJECT

A Quite Possibly Wonderful SummerJAMES HAMBLIN

Everywhere I turn, the fog of forgetting has crept in. A friend of mine recently confessed that the morning routine he’d comfortably maintained for a decade—wake up before 7, shower, dress, get on the subway—now feels unimaginable on a literal level: He cannot put himself back there. Another has forgotten how to tie a tie. A co-worker isn’t sure her toddler remembers what it’s like to go shopping in a store. The comedian Kylie Brakeman made a joke video of herself attempting to recall pre-pandemic life, the mania flashing across her face: “You know what I miss, is, like, those night restaurants that served alcohol. What were those called?” she asks. “And there were those, like, big men outside who would check your credit card to make sure you were 41?”

Read: Sedentary pandemic life is bad for our happiness

Jen George, a community-college teacher from Cape Elizabeth, Maine, told me she is losing her train of thought in the middle of a sentence more and more often. Meanwhile, her third grader, who is attending in-person school, keeps leaving his books, papers, and lunch at home. Inny Ekeolu, a 19-year-old student from Ireland, says she has found herself forgetting how to do things she used to do on a regular basis: swiping her bus pass, paying for groceries. Recently she came across a photo of a close friend she hadn’t seen since lockdown and found that she couldn’t recognize her. “It wasn’t like I had forgotten her existence,” she told me. “But if I had bypassed her on the street, I wouldn’t have said hi.” Rachel Kowert, a research psychologist in Ottawa, used to have a standing Friday-night dinner with her neighbors—and went completely blank when one of them recently mentioned it. “It was really shocking,” Kowert told me. “This was something I really loved, and had done for a long time, and I had totally forgotten.”

This is the fog of late pandemic, and it is brutal. In the spring, we joked about the Before Times, but they were still within reach, easily accessible in our shorter-term memories. In the summer and fall, with restrictions loosening and temperatures rising, we were able to replicate some of what life used to be like, at least in an adulterated form: outdoor drinks, a day at the beach. But now, in the cold, dark, featureless middle of our pandemic winter, we can neither remember what life was like before nor imagine what it’ll be like after.

To some degree, this is a natural adaptation. The sunniest optimist would point out that all this forgetting is evidence of the resilience of our species. Humans forget a great deal of what happens to us, and we tend to do it pretty quickly—after the first 24 hours or so. “Our brains are very good at learning different things and forgetting the things that are not a priority,” Tina Franklin, a neuroscientist at Georgia Tech, told me. As the pandemic has taught us new habits and made old ones obsolete, our brains have essentially put actions like taking the bus and going to restaurants in deep storage, and placed social distancing and coughing into our elbows near the front of the closet. When our habits change back, presumably so will our recall.

That’s the good news. The pandemic is still too young to have yielded rigorous, peer-reviewed studies about its effects on cognitive function. But the brain scientists I spoke with told me they can extrapolate based on earlier work about trauma, boredom, stress, and inactivity, all of which do a host of very bad things to a mammal’s brain.

“We’re all walking around with some mild cognitive impairment,” said Mike Yassa, a neuroscientist at UC Irvine. “Based on everything we know about the brain, two of the things that are really good for it are physical activity and novelty. A thing that’s very bad for it is chronic and perpetual stress.” Living through a pandemic—even for those who are doing so in relative comfort—“is exposing people to microdoses of unpredictable stress all the time,” said Franklin, whose research has shown that stress changes the brain regions that control executive function, learning, and memory.

That stress doesn’t necessarily feel like a panic attack or a bender or a sleepless night, though of course it can. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all. “It’s like a heaviness, like you’re waking up to more of the same, and it’s never going to change,” George told me, when I asked what her pandemic anxiety felt like. “Like wading through something thicker than water. Maybe a tar pit.” She misses the sound of voices.

Prolonged boredom is, somewhat paradoxically, hugely stressful, Franklin said. Our brains hate it. “What’s very clear in the literature is that environmental enrichment—being outside of your home, bumping into people, commuting, all of these changes that we are collectively being deprived of—is very associated with synaptic plasticity,” the brain’s inherent ability to generate new connections and learn new things, she said. In the 1960s, the neuroscientist Marian Diamond conducted a series of experiments on rats in an attempt to understand how environment affects cognitive function. Time after time, the rats raised in “enriched” cages—ones with toys and playmates—performed better at mazes.

Ultimately, said Natasha Rajah, a psychology professor at McGill University, in Montreal, our winter of forgetting may be attributable to any number of overlapping factors. “There’s just so much going on: It could be the stress, it could be the grief, it could be the boredom, it could be depression,” she said. “It sounds pretty grim, doesn’t it?”

The share of Americans reporting symptoms of anxiety disorder, depressive disorder, or both roughly quadrupled from June 2019 to December 2020, according to a Census Bureau study released late last year. What’s more, we simply don’t know the long-term effects of collective, sustained grief. Longitudinal studies of survivors of Chernobyl, 9/11, and Hurricane Katrina show elevated rates of mental-health problems, in some cases lasting for more than a decade.

I have a job that allows me to work from home, an immune system and a set of neurotransmitters that tend to function pretty well, a support network, a savings account, decent Wi-Fi, plenty of hand sanitizer. I have experienced the pandemic from a position of obscene privilege, and on any given day I’d rank my mental health somewhere north of “fine.” And yet I feel like I have spent the past year being pushed through a pasta extruder. I wake up groggy and spend every day moving from the couch to the dining-room table to the bed and back. At some point night falls, and at some point after that I close work-related browser windows and open leisure-related ones. I miss my little rat friends, but I am usually too tired to call them.

Read: The most likely timeline for life to return to normal

Sometimes I imagine myself as a Sim, a diamond-shaped cursor hovering above my head as I go about my day. Tasks appear, and I do them. Mealtimes come, and I eat. Needs arise, and I meet them. I have a finite suite of moods, a limited number of possible activities, a set of strings being pulled from far offscreen. Everything is two-dimensional, fake, uncanny. My world is as big as my apartment, which is not very big at all.

“We’re trapped in our dollhouses,” said Kowert, the psychologist from Ottawa, who studies video games. “It’s just about surviving, not thriving. No one is working at their highest capacity.” She has played The Sims on and off for years, but she always gives up after a while—it’s too repetitive.

Earlier versions of The Sims had an autonomous memory function, according to Marina DelGreco, a staff writer for Game Rant. But in The Sims 3, the system was buggy; it bloated file sizes and caused players’ saved progress to delete. So The Sims 4, released in 2014, does not automatically create memories. PC users can manually enter them, and Sims can temporarily feel feelings: happy, tense, flirty. But for the most part, a Sim is a hollow vessel, more like a machine than a living thing.

The game itself doesn’t have a term for this, but the internet does: “smooth brain,” or sometimes “head empty,” which I first started noticing sometime last summer. Today, the TikTok user @smoothbrainb1tch has nearly 100,000 followers, and stoners on Twitter are marveling at the fact that their “silky smooth brain” was once capable of calculus.

This is, to be clear, meant to be an aspirational state. It’s the step after galaxy brain, because the only thing better than being a genius in a pandemic is being intellectually unencumbered by mass grief. People are celebrating “smooth brain Saturday” and chasing the ideal summer vibe: “smooth skin, smooth brain.” One frequently reposted meme shows a photograph of a glossy, raw chicken breast, with the caption “Cant think=no sad .” This is juxtaposed against a biology-textbook picture of a healthy brain, which is wrinkled, oddly translucent, and the color of canned tuna. The choice seems obvious.

Some Saturday not too long from now, I will go to a party or a bar or even a wedding. Maybe I’ll hold a baby, and maybe it will be heavy. Inevitably, I will kick my shoes off at some point. I won’t have to wonder about what I do on weekends, because I’ll be doing it. I’ll kiss my friends and try their drinks and marvel at how everyone is still the same, but a little different, after the year we all had. My brain won’t be smooth anymore, but being wrinkly won’t feel so bad. My synapses will be made plastic by the complicated, strange, utterly novel experience of being alive again, human again. I can’t wait.

ELLEN CUSHING

is the special-projects editor at The Atlantic.

#health

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muffintonic · 3 years

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Alright, I think i’m done BOTW 2 spamming for today. Anywho, time for some thoughts in general!

1) I hated how the shrines in BOTW were so cold and dark compared to the bright and lively nature outside (I wish they had all looked like the Master Trials challenge where there were trees and stuff incorporated inside), so I hope if we’re forced to have dungeons they’ll be more like the Wind Waker ones. 2) I hope they don’t make us use the grappling hook or anything like in Wind Waker to move around the sky islands (I hated that mechanic). 3) I’m probably one of the few people who wanted less Zelda and more of the Champions in HWAOC since i’m only really attached to BOTW (and we saw a fair amount of Tetra in Wind Waker)/apparently Zelda’s been sidelined in all the other games, so i’m hoping in vain that we get more Champions material in BOTW 2. Also, Link could stand to have some more cutscenes centered around him as well (the few we got in some of the sidequests in BOTW were great). 4) I only really somewhat care about Riju and Sidon, so I won’t mind if the new gang gets sidelined in BOTW 2 (I still think Nintendo wasted the found family/band of brothers aspect on the dead characters--I love them so much and they’re all I want!! The problem is, they’re dead and I don’t really care all that much about their replacements!!! I dunno, maybe i’m hampered by the fact that I can replay the original champions’ memories whenever I want/read their diaries, but I can’t rewatch the new gang’s cutscenes AKA i’ve forgotten their characterization since they don’t talk to me much now that the game’s over). It’d be great if they have some weaving storylines in BOTW 2 that will get me more invested in them, but currently i’m not that interested. 5) Speaking of which, I know it’s 100% not going to happen, but goddang if I don’t want the Champions to have been returned to life. Nintendo totally squandered HWAOC by not making it a true prequel/canon to BOTW (the Champions Ballad confirmed that the Divine Beasts had trials in order to be synced to the champs, so the new gen use of them wouldn’t have happened without that + Mipha thought Link had changed in BOTW yet says in HWAOC that he hasn’t changed + some scenes like “Champion Revali’s Song” never happened at all/got replaced with alternative scenes that really changed some dynamics + basically all of Revali’s time-relative characterization from his diary/pre-100 years of solitude got thrown out + I feel like Daruk got totally sidelined), so i’m still craving that Champions content. Also, I feel like it’s totally unfair that Zelda came out of 100 years totally unaged while everyone else died. Life seems to really suck for people in the LoZ universe who aren’t chosen by divine powers. 6) They’d better keep it open world and non-linear. I can’t go back to being forced to backtrack/trudge through things, I just can’t. BOTW was everything i’ve ever dreamed about in a game (truly open world + non-linear + interactive + meaningful story + lots of outfits + beautiful landscapes) with Skyrim previously being the only thing that came close to what I wanted, so I really hope BOTW 2 doesn’t deviate too much from that. 7) I really liked Kass in BOTW, but i’m not sure what direction they’d go with him in BOTW 2/i’d be fine if he sat BOTW 2 out. I worked so hard to complete all his quests in BOTW so he’d go back home to his family, GODDANGIT, KASS. 8) Someone mentioned that since the first trailer had underground aspects, we’re probably going to be playing as Zelda with the Slate there, and I agree. They didn’t make a playable model for her in HWAOC for nothing. 9) I want to be able to stable the deer and bears and stuff, but I know that won’t happen. Being able to ride the moose and rhino things from the Hebra area probably won’t happen either, but I want to ride them!!! 10) I hope there’ll be at least a few new buildings and stuff in the towns/they’ve started construction on some areas in Central Hyrule, but I guess that’ll depend on how long it’s been in-universe since BOTW. Or maybe not, considering how there’s still Karson and Hudson even though Bolson retired from Bolson Construction--insta-towns like Tarrey Town could totally be feasible if they wanted! 11) I have one foot in the camp that believes there’ll be time shenanigans in BOTW 2. HWAOC totally threw me off with it being an alternate timeline, so i’m not sure whether we’re going to be experiencing that again or time travel itself, but I definitely won’t be surprised this time around if Nintendo goes that route again (and it would be super interesting to see the Link from 10,000 years ago). I’m not entirely convinced that the Link we see exploring the sky in the second trailer isn’t our Link, mainly because he seems to still have on the blue boxers from BOTW. 12) I also heard that maybe this will be the last LoZ game ever since something something Demise something Skyward Sword something something lore from games i’ve only vaguely looked into (i’ve only ever played BOTW --> Wind Waker --> HWAOC)??? If so, it kind of sucks that I came in just when they started making games with playstyles palatable to me (I had to look up every single thing when playing Wind Waker, but BOTW let me solve things according to MY logic/I missed being able to explore in HWAOC), but at least it’ll end on a super high note/I won’t experience later disappointment, I guess. If BOTW 2 involves breaking the reincarnation cycle for the Triforcers, I would be really surprised. (On a related note, Nintendo making Ganondorf good would also be a 100% shock to me, but it would be great to end on that as a subversion. Yes, I want them to bring back the semi-complicated Ganondorf from Wind Waker.) 13) I hope they don’t rush releasing it. I heard they pushed back BOTW originally (I got it in 2019), but it came out fantastic for it! I know COVID’s been affecting things, so I really hope they’re treating their staff right and are mindful of crunch. 14) I want even more outfits (there seem to be at least two new ones, if the variant of the Hylian Tunic crossed with Link’s Champion’s Tunic counts). Give me all the outfits!!! Also, I hope we get even more hair variations in addition to the hair down option (which is all i’ve ever wanted since I saw the mod that altered the Ancient Helmet). 15) I wonder if we’re going to get a bonus for having both BOTW and HWAOC save data. 16) I wonder if we’re going to be keeping the Champions’ skills. I’m going to miss being super overpowered, if not. 17) I hope Nintendo doesn’t cave in and make surfaces climbable in the rain. Having that limiter is more realistic and Link would otherwise be too overpowered with a super climbing ability. 18) I liked BOTW’s scattered music that got more noticeable in populated areas because it was fitting for the post-apocalyptical/nature aspect. Hearing your footsteps in an open field and the buzzing of insects was super nice and prevented me from getting music fatigue (which i’d probably experience since whenever I play BOTW it’s for 5-10 hours at a time). I hope Nintendo either keeps that or makes audio options. 19) I heard that BOTW 2 is going to be super dark or something, and i’m okay with dark, but not GRIMdark, so I hope it doesn’t go that far. From what we’ve seen in the second trailer it still looks beautiful, but I hope it doesn’t do that thing that some games do where after the midpoint/a certain story point all the scenery permanently changes to be dark and scary (that’ll seriously hamper post-game playability for me if so). 20) If they expand on the Zonai, that would be super cool! Doubly cool if the time travel shenanigans involve them/ancient Link being one! 21) I kind of want windstorms to be a weather feature. We had lightning, heat, and cold, but no wind! No, I don’t count the wind geysers and the occasional breeze in Tabantha. 22) I want a chest in my house to hold more weapons than just the gear mounts. BOTW only had enough mounts for the champions’ gear, but it also had rare items like the Kite Shield and Forest Dweller’s Sword that you can’t get anymore once you use them up! 23) I want to be able to stable my horses at my house. What’s the point of that little area if you can’t stable your horse there! 24) Speaking of Link’s house: where is Zelda going to live? If the castle’s not reconstructed, it’d be neat if Link adds an extension to his house for her. 25) I hope they open up part-time jobs (think Mabinogi) as an option to earn rupees. Having to hunt for Luminous Stone deposits or feed Trott to make money can be such a chore. I think some of BOTW’s minigames/sidequests might count as those, but those minigames were either frustrating if your goal is to earn money (since most of them cost money to play in the first place and the mechanics weren’t always easy), or didn’t earn that much in general. 26) I wonder if Kilton is going to have updated items since the monsters seem to have changed. 27) I want to be able to dive underwater (mainly so I can explore the beautiful reefs over at Lurelin). A dive meter like the one from Super Mario Sunshine would be cool. Also, it’d doubly be neat if you had a separate stamina wheel for swimming and could permanently upgrade your swim/diving stamina (the speed+ swimming items just consumed your stamina faster, which was a pain)! 28) It’s definitely too late for this, but it’s a shame that the Hylians have so many face/body/hair and outfit variations, but the Zora, Rito, and Gorons don’t. The Gerudo were kind of okay with the hair and body variations, but the other races seemed to have a serious copy-paste problem. I guess technically some of the more important NPCs (ones with quests/cutscene triggers) had different coloring, but they were severely lacking in clothing variation. Also, the only old Rito was the elder??? At least the Gorons and Zora had some old folks besides their leader walking around. Very weird, but I don’t think BOTW 2 can fix any of this. 29) I wonder how they’re going to do the final boss battle, considering how epic/cinematic the BOTW 2x battle was. What can top fighting (on horseback, no less) a giant, flaming boar made out of malice? 30) I wonder what the Yiga are going to be up to, considering how Ganondorf seems to be somewhat kicking in BOTW 2.

#in other words: BOTW 2 HYPE REAL #i'm still going to queue things so there'll probably another BOTW 2 glut from me in a few days bwaha #(and probably some general BOTW stuff because MAN am i hyped)#i'm so glad i got into BOTW in 2019 because there's been content for me every year since and i am Living #botw 2

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tabloidtoc · 4 years

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National Enquirer, November 9

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Duchess Kate sets the record straight on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

Page 2: Ben Affleck is wasting away and friends fear he’s taking his new health regimen too far as the six-foot-four star usually weighs 208 pounds but has shriveled to a spindly 165 -- a nutritionist put him on a sensible meal plan but he’s altered it with his own fantastical ideas such as he won’t go near bread and he’s ditched pasta and he’ll eat cantaloupe and blueberries one day and nuts and seeds the next and he’ll only drink boiled water and green tea for 24 hours then break his fast with a small bowl of quinoa -- instead of pumping iron he does exercises using his own body weight like ten-minute planks -- Ben thinks he looks great but his pals fear he’s traded one addiction for another

Page 3: Love-hungry Katie Holmes is thrilled to have a new man in her life but she’s breaking the bank to keep him happy because Katie is picking up the tab wherever she goes with Emilio Vitolo Jr. because it helps her feel she’s in full control of the relationship but Emilio may be taking advantage of Katie’s generosity because Katie has been showering him with designer clothes and jewelry and even paying for a personal trainer to whip him into shape -- Katie enjoys giving her guy things he can appreciate because he’s made her so happy but she may go broke doing it and it’s not like he doesn’t have any money; he’s worth a cool $1.5 million himself

Page 4: CNN rocked by sex scandal -- Jeffrey Toobin’s sleazy sex scandal has rocked CNN but it’s just the latest in a string of scandals at the network

Page 5: Axed Fox News anchor Ed Henry fought back against his co-worker’s rape charges in a blockbuster lawsuit by handing the court explicit selfies and texts in an attempt to prove their tryst was consensual

Page 6: Ryan Seacrest is downplaying his latest shocking absence from Live with Kelly and Ryan but the TV dynamo is battling a mystery illness that may force him to sign off for good -- the co-host who is a well known as a workaholic skipped out on the daytime show for the third time this year and used the coronavirus pandemic as his excuse -- Ryan was suffering badly from flu-like symptoms on the weekend before his absences but came back negative for coronavirus however doctors remain baffled by Ryan’s ongoing battles with exhaustion and weight loss and stroke-like symptoms, disgraced perv Bill Cosby’s latest mug shot shows he’s a shriveled shadow of his former self and the fallen funnyman flashed a maniacal grin while refusing to look into the camera in the picture snapped behind bars in September and he’s unshaven and his hair is ratty

Page 7: Lizzo has embarked on a radical vegan diet and extreme exercise program to save her life -- doctor warned the 350-pound singer that her daily intake of 5000 calories a day was a dangerous path to self-destruction and she needed to change her life or lose it and Lizzo finally got the message and is committed to this program but it’s been a living hell for her

Page 8: After surviving a fiery crash at the Daytona 500 NASCAR hero Ryan Newman is locked in an ugly $50 million divorce showdown with his estranged wife -- Ryan and Kristina Newman split in 2019 after she was caught having an affair with another man and paying her love $450,000 and now Ryan’s lawyers are trying to freeze Kristina who was once referred to as the First Lady of NASCAR out of his fortune -- court papers reveal the two split in July 2019 when Kristina went to live with her boyfriend U.S. Army Captain Joe Schwankhaus who is the Chief Operations Officer of Kristina’s company VRX USA

Page 9: Ellen DeGeneres debuted a high-flying pompadour hairstyle on her new talk show but the makeover still doesn’t get to the root of her recent problems and although her hair may be rising her show’s ratings are falling

Page 10: Hot Shots -- pregnant Kelly Rowland, Andy Cohen took his son Benjamin for a stroll in NYC, Will Smith held court in L.A. while shooting King Richard a biopic about the dad of tennis greats Venus Williams and Serena Williams, Angela Bassett caught a drive-in screening of One Night in Miami in L.A.

Page 11: Grieving Lisa Marie Presley has broken her silence over the suicide of her beloved only son Benjamin Keough saying her heart and soul went with him sharing her heartbreak on what would have been Ben’s 28th birthday and she added she’s dedicating herself to raising Ben’s twin half-sisters and actress sister Riley Keough, Chaka Khan refuses to duo with Ariana Grande again saying she’s not gonna do a song with no heifer -- Chaka and Ariana worked together in 2019 for the Charlie’s Angels soundtrack

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- DWTS pro Emma Slater kept a handle on her coffee while steering her e-bike (picture), it pays to be Brad Pitt’s girlfriend as his new squeeze Nicole Poturalski has doubled her modeling fees, dancing siblings Derek Hough and Julianne Hough are out of step over her sloppy personal life and his hot new judging career because these two were supposed to be the next Donny and Marie Osmond but his solo career is exploding while hers is falling apart, Madonna has always been a big believer in astrology but now she won’t even meet with people if it’s not written in the stars and she’s spending a fortune to have an army of people read her charts

Page 13: Losing his beloved son to cancer has sparked new fears for fragile Robert Redford because Robert has struggled with his own health over the years and losing his son to bile-duct cancer is extremely worrying; he’s already frail and this has friends fearing the worst, Jeff Bridges is confident he’ll win his battle with lymphoma by coupling medical care with a strict vegan diet and chanting and spiritual healing techniques

Page 14: Convicted wife killer Scott Peterson may soon walk out of prison and grisly photos lawyers say could set him free -- following years of appeals California’s Supreme Court overturned Scott’s death penalty and now another appeal is forcing a lower court to reexamine his conviction for murdering seven months pregnant wife Laci Peterson and their unborn son Conner -- if Scott gets a retrial his legal team will be allowed to introduce new evidence including crime scene pictures that Scott’s former defense attorney said suggests Laci’s disappearance was an abduction by a satanic cult

Page 15: Former child star Zachery Ty Bryan of Home Improvement was jailed overnight and released on $8500 bail following his bust for a fight with a galpal at an apartment complex in Eugene in Oregon -- the drama comes on the heels of Zachery’s split from wife Carly Matros the mom of his four kids

Page 16: Ryan Reynolds can’t wait to film a new rom-com with close pal Sandra Bullock but it’s causing tension with wife Blake Lively even though Blake trusts Ryan and would never forbid him from taking this part but the idea of him getting cozy with Sandra again still makes her uneasy -- now Ryan and Sandra are signed up to do The Lost City of D and despite Sandra’s denials they ever had a romance Ryan is gushing about them getting back together

Page 17: Isolated and overlooked Today show host Hoda Kotb is being bullied off the morning show because of tepid ratings and the absence of former sidekick Kathie Lee Gifford and Mean Girls treatment by co-hosts Savannah Guthrie and Jenna Bush Hager have pushed the disillusioned anchor closer to the door -- Hoda recently filled out paperwork to adopt a third child and she’s clearly putting more emphasis on family than her career and it sends the signal she isn’t happy with her role and is not thinking of Today as her top priority, trainwreck Matthew Perry is holed up in his new Pacific Palisades beach pad pounding out an explosive tell-all and his former Friends are quaking about what secrets he may reveal -- Matthew wants to rush the book out while interest in the Friends reunion special which was postponed by the COVID-19 pandemic remains high -- he knows an uncensored account of his time on Friends and his drug issues would be a bestseller and he intends to blow the lid off his on-set romances and address rumors he and Jennifer Aniston were more than friends

Page 18: American Life -- her tall tale: I have the longest legs in the world

Page 19: Jessica Simpson has been flaunting her body after dumping a shocking 100 pounds but buddies worry the drastic drop in size isn’t natural and suspect she’s been taking diet pills again and they’re worried this could escalate into a big issue

Page 20: Devastated Reese Witherspoon was hit with a depressing double whammy -- the death of her dog Pepper from cancer and the delay of her long-awaited sequel Legally Blonde 3, Hollywood Hookups -- John Cena and Shay Shariatzadeh wed, Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum split, Cardi B and Offset on again

Page 21: Bruce Willis is back in another Die Hard but this time it’s a commercial for Advance Auto Parts and Die Hard batteries and it’s a clear statement on the state of his career that Bruce has to revisit his amazing past to make a fast buck in the present, Giada De Laurentiis has been given the green light to get married by her 12-year-old daughter Jade -- Giada has dated TV producer Shane Farley for five years and he’s been living with mother and daughter for five months during the pandemic lockdown which gave Jade a firsthand look at what it would be like to have a new daddy and Shane’s passed the test with flying colors

Page 22: Cover Story -- Prince William’s heartsick wife Kate Middleton is breaking her silence about the royal family’s tumultuous bitter break with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to set the record straight and save Britain’s monarchy and she’s tired of all the rumors and lies and backbiting and after all the drama and negativity she wants to get the truth out there and end this unprecedented crisis that’s endangering the monarchy’s survival -- friends are trying to convince Kate to do an official sit-down TV interview about what really happened between once-inseparable William and Harry and how Harry and Meghan tore the family apart even before they moved to America but Kate is resisting because she fears that could backfire like Princess Diana’s TV tell-all about her marriage to Prince Charles 25 years ago -- Kate had to turn the other cheek often after Meghan joined the family and she offered to help Meghan adjust to royal life from the start but Meghan rebuffed her and Kate in tired of Meghan painting her as the bad guy especially when it was Meghan’s antics that tore the family apart -- Kate also is upset that Harry and Meghan are portraying themselves as victims of a world that’s against them while she and William take on a phenomenal workload to cover the responsibilities the Sussexes left and losing precious time with their own three children and it’s hard not to be bitter but Kate is trying to take the high road and forgive Meghan and move forward

Page 26: With their marriage hanging by a thread Tori Spelling fears Dean McDermott will cheat on her again while filming a new TV show in Canada for six months; Tori wanted to bring their 5 children to Canada with him but Dean put her off saying it would be too distracting -- she’s been a jittery mess and he can’t stand to look at her and he only took this job because they need the money, Melanie Griffith is frustrated with Chris Martin and wants him to put a ring on her daughter Dakota Johnson’s finger -- the couple have been dating since 2017 and Melanie’s fed up with waiting for Chris to pop the question -- Melanie began to lose her patience after the couple reunited following a split last June when Chris won Dakota back with promises to settle down

Page 28: COVID Vaccines: What you need to know

Page 32: Miley Cyrus claimed she once spotted a spaceship over Hollywood and even locked eyes with an alien but she also admits she’d bought weed wax from a guy in a van in front of a taco shop, whiny Kris Jenner is blaming social media for killing off Keeping Up with the Kardashians after it helped the reality TV clan make a mint

Page 34: Ozzy Osbourne is terrified a doll has cursed him -- Ozzy told son Jack Osbourne on their Osbournes Want to Believe show that Robert the doll was responsible for his recent bad luck and failing health, Tom Cruise and his Mission: Impossible 7 team caused chaos at an Italian hospital by filming there during the COVID-19 pandemic -- Tom and his crew including 100 security staffers plus trucks and other equipment descended on the Policlinico Umberto I in Rome for a week and legions of fans also flocked to the filming creating even more commotion in the streets outside the hospital and adding to the bedlam the production commandeered an elevator drawing criticism as hospital staff were treating 140 coronavirus patients with 12 in intensive care -- filming was done in an administrative section of the hospital but still sparked an official protest as well as complaints from trade union members

Page 36: Health Watch

Page 38: Superhero screen pals of Chris Pratt rushed to rescue the actor’s reputation after he was mercilessly dragged into a silly social media meme when a Twitter user posted pictures of Chris Pratt and Chris Pine and Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans captioned with the instruction one has to go but a flood of responses slammed Pratt as the worst Chris causing his Marvel co-stars to prop him up such as Zoe Saldana and Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo and Jeremy Renner and Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn and Chris Pratt’s wife Katherine Schwarzenegger also bashed the social media bullies, Matthew McConaughey kept saying alright alright alright to making romantic comedies until the day he was so fed up he turned down $14.5 million to do another one -- Matthew revealed in his memoir that he didn’t mind making a string of mindless rom-coms because their paychecks rented the houses on the beach he ran shirtless on but he eventually wanted to try something else so he turned down a big payday so he could get more serious

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Drew Barrymore

Page 47: Odd List

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newstfionline · 3 years

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Tuesday, July 13, 2021

For democracy, it’s a time of swimming against the tide (AP) The old Nicaraguan revolutionary, with his receding hairline and the goatee that he had finally let turn grey, spoke calmly into the camera as police swarmed toward his house, hidden behind a high wall in a leafy Managua neighborhood. Decades earlier, Hugo Torres had been a revered guerrilla in the fight against right-wing dictator Anastasio Somoza. In 1974, he’d taken a group of top officials hostage, then traded them for the release of imprisoned comrades. Among those prisoners was Daniel Ortega, a Marxist bank robber who would become Nicaragua’s elected president and later its authoritarian ruler. And on this hot Sunday in mid-June, amid a weekslong clampdown to obliterate nearly every hint of opposition, Ortega had his old savior arrested. In the last few months, the growing ranks of dictators have flexed their muscles, and freedom has been in retreat. The list is grim: a draconian crackdown in Nicaragua, with laws that now let the government paint nearly any critic as a traitor; a military takeover in Myanmar, with bloody repression that the United Nations says has left more than 850 people dead since Feb. 1 and more than 4,800 arbitrarily detained; a tightening grip by Beijing on Hong Kong, the semi-autonomous enclave where activists and journalists have been harassed and imprisoned under a sweeping national security law. 2020 was “another year of decline for liberal democracy,” said a recent report from the V-Dem Institute, a Sweden-based research center. “The world is still more democratic than it was in the 1970s and 1980s, but the global decline in liberal democracy has been steep during the past 10 years.”

Companies Target a New Market: The Stressed Out (WSJ) Drivers climbing into the new Lincoln Nautilus enter “a sanctuary,” Lincoln declares in the car’s ads. Seats offer massage, vents emit refreshed air and sound-dampening materials eliminate outside ruckus. Long before Covid-19 hit last year, rising stress was identified as one of Americans’ major concerns. Now, more than a year into the pandemic, consumers’ stress levels have been soaring. In June, nearly one-third of Americans reported experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, according to a survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In 2019, only 11% of Americans reported such symptoms, according to a comparable survey from the National Center for Health Statistics. With so much of the population stressed out, more consumer product companies see soothing anxiety as an opportunity. Makers of everyday goods from cars and note paper to makeup, cereal and beverages are framing marketing messages and launching products to target worried consumers. Many consumers say they are receptive to mental health advice coming from companies. They are looking for support for their emotional well being, and many say they welcome products that promise to make them feel better. Younger consumers especially report having a new perspective on managing their mental health. Some 50% of consumers ages 18-24 reported that they have changed their approach to mental health, compared with 28% of people ages 57 to 75, an Ernst & Young survey of 1,001 U.S. adults conducted earlier this year found.

Residents in Florida Condos Fear They Could be Next (NYT) In the days since the collapse of the Champlain Towers South condominium complex in the town of Surfside, residents of other condos are increasingly worried that their homes could also be at risk. The Champlain Towers collapse has brought rattling uncertainty to the long line of high-rise residences that abut the South Florida coastline. At Crestview Towers in North Miami Beach, seven miles from the collapse in Surfside, residents had just hours to go in and recover their belongings on Friday, a week after an evacuation was ordered to make way for long-delayed repairs. A second condominium in the city also evacuated its residents last week, while a private engineering firm warned officials of dangerous conditions in a condominium in Kissimmee, south of Orlando. The problem was not only with residences: Miami-Dade County officials on Friday announced the full evacuation of the old Dade County Courthouse after an engineering survey identified safety concerns that warranted an immediate closure of the upper floors.

In Honduras, it’s raining fish (El Heraldo) “Sunny with a chance of fish...” In one area of northern Honduras, weather forecasters await the unlikely arrival of a kind of “fish storm” in the summer months, which allows locals to feast on small silver pesces. It’s a phenomenon with no clear scientific explanation. The most recent “Lluvia de Peces” (“Fish Rain”) happened in Yoro, the department along the country’s Caribbean coast, as the Honduran daily El Heraldo reports. Locals say it has been observed in parts of Yoro since the 19th century. After a strong rainstorm subsides, they go out with buckets to collect the fish—experts have compared them to sardines—and enjoy them collectively; in many places the bounty is distributed equally and it’s looked down on to profit from the harvest. Indeed, many in this religiously devout region see the bizarre event as a blessing. Many locals believe that the fish began to appear after Catholic missionary Manuel de Jesús Subirana prayed to God to alleviate the poverty he saw in Yoro when he arrived in 1858. It seems he got his loaves and fish, and then some.

Cubans Denounce ‘Misery’ in Biggest Protests in Decades (NYT) Shouting “Freedom” and other anti-government slogans, hundreds of Cubans took to the streets in cities around the country on Sunday to protest food and medicine shortages, in a remarkable eruption of discontent not seen in nearly 30 years. Hundreds of people marched through San Antonio de los Baños, southwest of Havana, with videos streaming live on Facebook for nearly an hour before they suddenly disappeared. As the afternoon wore on, other videos appeared from demonstrations elsewhere, including Palma Soriano, in the country’s southeast. Hundreds of people also gathered in Havana, where a heavy police presence preceded their arrival. Hundreds of people marched through San Antonio de los Baños, southwest of Havana, with videos streaming live on Facebook for nearly an hour before they suddenly disappeared. As the afternoon wore on, other videos appeared from demonstrations elsewhere, including Palma Soriano, in the country’s southeast. Hundreds of people also gathered in Havana, where a heavy police presence preceded their arrival. The protests were set off by a dire economic crisis in Cuba, where the coronavirus pandemic has cut off crucial tourism dollars. People now spend hours in line each day to buy basic food items. Many have been unable to work because restaurants and other businesses have remained on lockdown for months.

Gangs complicate Haiti effort to recover from assassination (AP) Gangs in Haiti have long been financed by powerful politicians and their allies—and many Haitians fear those backers may be losing control of the increasingly powerful armed groups who have driven thousands of people from their homes as they battle over territory, kill civilians and raid warehouses of food. The escalation in gang violence threatens to complicate—and be aggravated by—political efforts to recover from last week’s brazen slaying of President Jovenel Moïse. Haiti’s government is in disarray; no parliament, no president, a dispute over who is prime minister, a weak police force. But the gangs seem more organized and powerful than ever. While the violence has been centered in the capital of Port-au-Prince, it has affected life across Haiti, paralyzing the fragile economy, shuttering schools, overwhelming police and disrupting efforts to fight the COVID-19 pandemic. “The country is transformed into a vast desert where wild animals engulf us,” said the Haitian Conference of the Religious in a recent statement decrying the spike in violent crime. “We are refugees and exiles in our own country.” Gangs recently have stolen tens of thousands of bags of sugar, rice and flour as well as ransacking and burning homes in the capital. That has driven thousands of people to seek shelter at churches, outdoor fields and a large gymnasium, where the government and international donors struggle to feed them and find long-term housing.

In symbolic end to war, U.S. general to step down from command in Afghanistan (Reuters) The U.S. general leading the war in Afghanistan, Austin Miller, will relinquish command on Monday, U.S. officials say, in a symbolic end to America’s longest conflict even as Taliban insurgents gain momentum. Miller will become America’s last four-star general on the ground in Afghanistan in a ceremony in Kabul that will come ahead of a formal end to the military mission there on Aug. 31. While the ceremony may offer some sense of closure for U.S. veterans who served in Afghanistan, it’s unclear whether it will succeed in reassuring the Western-backed Afghan government as the Taliban press ground offensives that have given them control of more territory than at any time since the conflict began. Biden acknowledged on Thursday that Afghanistan’s future was far from certain but said the Afghan people must decide their own fate. “I will not send another generation of Americans to war in Afghanistan with no reasonable expectation of achieving a different outcome,” he said.

Jordanian ex-royal court chief sentenced to 15 years for alleged plot (Reuters) A Jordanian court on Monday sentenced a former royal confidant, Bassem Awadallah, and a minor royal to 15 years in jail on charges of attempting to destabilise the monarchy. The court said it had confirmed evidence backing the charges against the pair and that they had both been determined to harm the monarchy by pushing former heir to the throne Prince Hamza as an alternative to the king.

Frenchman starts hunger strike by Tokyo Olympic Stadium in desperate bid to see his kids (Washington Post) Frenchman Vincent Fichot began a hunger strike this weekend close to Tokyo’s Olympic Stadium in a desperate bid to regain access to his two young children, who were taken away by their mother three years ago and whom he hasn’t seen since. Japan is unique among developed nations in not recognizing the concept of joint custody. In practice, its courts almost always award sole custody to whichever parent is physically looking after the children at the time. The policy creates a cruel incentive for parents—flee a marriage with your children at your side and you will almost certainly win custody of them, without any enforceable obligation to grant the other parent access. Lawyers say that is exactly what happens in tens of thousands of Japanese families every year, and it’s exactly what happened to Fichot: When his marriage broke down and he sought a divorce, his Japanese wife simply took off with their nearly 3-year-old son, Tsubasa, and 11-month-old daughter, Kaeda. That was Aug. 10, 2018. “My children were kidnapped three years ago and since then I haven’t heard from them,” Fichot said in an interview on Sunday, on the second day of his hunger strike. “I don’t know where they are. I don’t know if they are healthy, or even that they are alive.”

6 dead in South Africa riots over jailing of ex-leader Zuma (AP) Rioting triggered by the imprisonment of former South African President Jacob Zuma escalated Monday as shopping malls in Johannesburg were looted, major roads were blocked by burning tires and the police and military struggled to contain the violence. The unrest started last week in KwaZulu-Natal province after Zuma was imprisoned for contempt of court. What began as fairly small-scale blocking of roads in Zuma’s home area intensified and spread to Gauteng, South Africa’s most populous province, including Johannesburg, the country’s largest city. At least six people have been killed and more than 200 arrested, according to a police statement issued Monday. Soldiers have been deployed to help the police.

Oh Deer (WSJ) North America’s got a deer problem. Having killed or removed pretty much all of their natural predators, white-tailed deer in the Eastern U.S. have exploded in population. Prior to European settlement, there were about two to four deer per square kilometer. Once that density passes eight deer per square kilometer, they eat everything, and that significantly harms the ecosystem, with songbird populations declining and native plant species in free fall. In some developed parts of the U.S., there are 50 to 114 deer per square kilometer.

#headlines #news

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dreaminginthedeepsouth · 3 years

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LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

April 9, 2021

Heather Cox Richardson

The 1918 influenza pandemic killed at least 50 million people across the world, including about 675,000 people in the United States. And yet, until recently, it has been elusive in our popular memory. America’s curious amnesia about the 1918 pandemic has come to mind lately as the United States appears to be shifting into a post-pandemic era of job growth and optimism.

A year ago today, I noted that we were approaching 17,000 deaths from Covid-19. Now our official death count is over 560,000. If anyone had told us a year ago that we would lose more than a half million of our family and friends to this pandemic, that number would have seemed unthinkable. And yet now, as more shots go into arms every day, attention to the extraordinary toll of the past year seems to be slipping.

Remembering the nation’s suffering under the pandemic matters because the contrast between the disastrous last year and our hope this spring is a snapshot of what is at stake in the fight over control of the nation’s government.

Ever since President Ronald Reagan declared in his 1981 inaugural address that “government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem,” Republicans have argued that the best way to run the country has been to dismantle the federal government and turn the fundamental operations of the country over to private enterprise. They have argued that the government is inefficient and wasteful, while businesses can pivot rapidly and are far more efficient than their government counterparts.

And then the coronavirus came.

The president put his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, in charge of the nation’s response to the pandemic. Kushner sidelined career officials who knew how to source medical supplies, for example, in favor of young volunteers from investment banks and consulting firms. The administration touted what its leaders called an innovative public-private partnership to respond to the country’s needs, but a report from Representative Katie Porter (D-CA) documented that as late as March 2, the administration was urging American businesses to take advantage of the booming market in personal protective equipment (PPE) to export masks, ventilators, and PPE to other countries. Porter’s office examined export records to show that in February 2020, “the value of U.S. mask exports to China was 1094% higher than the 2019 monthly average.” Meanwhile, American health care providers were wearing garbage bags, and people were sewing their own masks.

As the contours of the crisis became clearer in late March, business leaders turned to Kushner to provide national direction. He told them: “The federal government is not going to lead this response…. It’s up to the states to figure out what they want to do.” When one leader told him the states were bidding against each other for PPE and driving prices up, he responded: “Free markets will solve this…. This is not the role of government.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s trade adviser Peter Navarro was so worried about the administration’s failure to buy critical medical supplies that he undertook to find them himself, haphazardly committing more than $1 billion of federal money to invest in drugs and supplies. Among other things, he bypassed normal procurement chains and arranged for a loan for Eastman Kodak, a company known for its work in the process of photography, to produce drugs to fight the pandemic. (The company’s stock price jumped from about $2 to $60 a share upon the news of the deal, and the loan was put on hold. Navarro called Eastman Kodak executives “stupid.”)

As infections and deaths continued to mount, the administration repeatedly downplayed the emergency. Today we learned that by May, science adviser Paul Alexander and his boss, Michael Caputo, the assistant secretary for public affairs at Health and Human Services, were working to change the language officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention used to warn of the dangers of the disease. “I know the President wants us to enumerate the economic cost of not reopening. We need solid estimates to be able to say something like: 50,000 more cancer deaths! 40,000 more heart attacks! 25,000 more suicides!” Caputo wrote to Alexander on May 16.

By July, Alexander was calling for the administration to adopt a strategy of herd immunity, simply letting the disease wash over the country. "Infants, kids, teens, young people, young adults, middle aged with no conditions etc. have zero to little risk….so we use them to develop herd…we want them infected," he wrote to Caputo.

In keeping with the theory that the federal government had no role to play in combatting the pandemic, as the fall progressed and it appeared there might be a workable vaccine by 2021, the Trump administration made no plan for federal distribution of the vaccine. It figured it would simply deliver the vaccine to the states, which could make their own arrangements to get it into people. The states, though, were badly strapped for money either to advertise or to deliver the shots.

Infections surged terrifyingly after November until by late January, when Trump left the White House, new infections had reached about 250,000 a day and about 3000 people were dying of Covid-19 daily. With 170 deaths for every 100,000 Americans, the U.S. outstrips every other country in the world for the devastation of this disease. (Brazil, with 159 deaths for every 100,000 people, is second.)

In contrast to Trump, President Biden has used the pandemic to show what the federal government can do right.

The night before he took office, he held a memorial for the Americans who had died in the pandemic. Once in the White House, he dedicated the federal government to ending the scourge. On January 21, he issued a national strategy for responding to the crisis that began by declaring “the federal government should be the source of truth for the public to get clear, accessible, and scientifically accurate information about COVID-19.”

He begged Americans to wear masks, used the federal Defense Production Act to get supplies, got money to states and cities, bought vaccines, and poured money into the infrastructure that would get the vaccines into arms. As of today, the U.S. is averaging 3 million shots a day, and a third of the population has received at least one dose of a vaccine. Twenty percent of us are fully vaccinated, including 60% of those 65 and older.

Cases of infection are dropping to about 66,000 cases a day-- well below the January surge but still high. The arrival of new, highly contagious variants continues to threaten worrisome spikes, but we are not, so far, facing the sort of crisis that Brazil is, where right-wing President Jair Bolsonaro opposes a lockdown, arguing that the damage a lockdown would do to the economy would be worse than letting the virus run its course. Hospitals in Brazil are overwhelmed, and this week more than 4,000 people died in 24 hours for the first time since the pandemic began. Meanwhile, the vaccine rollout in Brazil has been slow.

In America, the two very different responses to the pandemic have given us a powerful education in government activism. “For the past year, we couldn’t rely on the federal government to act with the urgency and focus and coordination we needed,” Biden said, “And we have seen the tragic cost of that failure….”

As time moves forward, if we really do get into the clear, it is entirely possible that the 2020 pandemic will fade into the same sort of vagueness that the 1918 pandemic did. But what it has taught us about government is important to remember.

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LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

HEATHER COX RICHARDSON

#Political #Letters From An American #Heather Cox Richardson #global pandemic #COVID-19 #corrupt GOP #criminal GOP #Federal Government

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mattbrothersscriptwriter · 5 years

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My Top 20 Films of 2019 - Part Two

I don’t think I’ve had a year where my top ten jostled and shifted as much as this one did - these really are the best of the best and my personal favourites of 2019.

10. Toy Story 4

I think we can all agree that Toy Story 3 was a pretty much perfect conclusion to a perfect trilogy right? About as close as is likely to get, I’m sure. I shared the same trepidation when part four was announced, especially after some underwhelming sequels like Finding Dory and Cars 3 (though I do have a lot of time for Monsters University and Incredibles 2). So maybe it’s because the odds were so stacked against this being good but I thought it was wonderful. A truly existential nightmare of an epilogue that does away with Andy (and mostly kids altogether) to focus on the dreams and desires of the toys themselves - separate from their ‘duties’ as playthings to biological Gods. What is their purpose in life without an owner? Can they be their own person and carve their own path? In the case of breakout new character Forky (Tony Hale), what IS life? Big big questions for a cash grab kids films huh?

The animation is somehow yet another huge leap forward (that opening rainstorm!), Bo Peep’s return is excellently pitched and the series tradition of being unnervingly horrifying is back as well thanks to those creepy ventriloquist dolls! Keanu Reeves continues his ‘Keanuassaince‘ as the hilarious Duke Caboom and this time, hopefully, the ending at least feels finite. This series means so much to me: I think the first movie is possibly the tightest, most perfect script ever written, the third is one of my favourites of the decade and growing up with the franchise (I was 9 when the first came out, 13 for part two, 24 for part three and now 32 for this one), these characters are like old friends so of course it was great to see them again. All this film had to do was be good enough to justify its existence and while there are certainly those out there that don’t believe this one managed it, I think the fact that it went as far as it did showed that Pixar are still capable of pushing boundaries and exploring infinity and beyond when they really put their minds to it.

9. The Nightingale

Hoo boy. Already controversial with talk of mass walkouts (I witnessed a few when this screened at Sundance London), it’s not hard to see why but easy to understand. Jennifer Kent (The Babadook) is a truly fearless filmmaker following up her acclaimed suburban horror movie come grief allegory with a period revenge tale set in the Tasmanian wilderness during British colonial rule in the early 1800s. It’s rare to see the British depicted with the monstrous brutality for which they were known in the distant colonies and this unflinching drama sorely needed an Australian voice behind the camera to do it justice.

The film is front loaded with some genuinely upsetting, nasty scenes of cruel violence but its uncensored brutality and the almost casual nature of its depiction is entirely the point - this was normalised behaviour over there and by treating it so matter of factly, it doesn’t slip into gratuitous ‘movie violence’. It is what it is. And what it is is hard to watch. If anything, as Kent has often stated, it’s still toned down from the actual atrocities that occurred so it’s a delicate balance that I think Kent more than understands. Quoting from an excellent Vanity Fair interview she did about how she directs, Kent said “I think audiences have become very anaesthetised to violence on screen and it’s something I find disturbing... People say ‘these scenes are so shocking and disturbing’. Of course they are. We need to feel that. When we become so removed from violence on screen, this is a very irresponsible thing. So I wanted to put us right within the frame with that person experiencing the loss of everything they hold dear”.

Aisling Franciosi is next level here as a woman who has her whole life torn from her, leaving her as nothing but a raging husk out for vengeance. It would be so easy to fall into odd couple tropes once she teams up with reluctant native tracker Billy (an equally impressive newcomer, Baykali Ganambarr) but the film continues to stay true to the harsh racism of the era, unafraid to depict our heroine - our point of sympathy - as horrendously racist towards her own ally. Their partnership is not easily solidified but that makes it all the stronger when they star to trust each other. Sam Claflin is also career best here, weaponizing his usual charm into dangerous menace and even after cementing himself as the year’s most evil villain, he can still draw out the humanity in such a broken and corrupt man.

Gorgeously shot in the Academy ratio, the forest landscape here is oppressive and claustrophobic. Kent also steps back into her horror roots with some mesmerising, skin crawling dream scenes that amplify the woozy nightmarish tone and overbearing sense of dread. Once seen, never forgotten, this is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea (and that’s fine) but when cinema can affect you on such a visceral level and be this powerful, reflective and honest about our own past, it’s hard to ignore. Stunning.

8. The Irishman

Aka Martin Scorsese’s magnum opus, I did manage to see this one in a cinema before the Netflix drop and absolutely loved it. I’ve watched 85 minute long movies that felt longer than this - Marty’s mastery of pace, energy and knowing when to let things play out in agonising detail is second to none. This epic tale of the life of Frank Sheeran (Robert De Niro) really is the cinematic equivalent of having your cake and eating it too, allowing Scorsese to run through a greatest hits victory lap of mobster set pieces, alpha male arguments, a decades spanning life story and one (last?) truly great Joe Pesci performance before simply letting the story... continue... to a natural, depressing and tragic ending, reflecting the emptiness of a life built on violence and crime.

For a film this long, it’s impressive how much the smallest details make the biggest impacts. A stammering phone call from a man emotionally incapable of offering any sort of condolence. The cold refusal of forgiveness from a once loving daughter. A simple mirroring of a bowl of cereal or a door left slightly ajar. These are the parts of life that haunt us all and it’s what we notice the most in a deliberately lengthy biopic that shows how much these things matter when everything else is said and done. The violence explodes in sudden, sharp bursts, often capping off unbearably tense sequences filled with the everyday (a car ride, a conversation about fish, ice cream...) and this contrast between the whizz bang of classic Scorsese and the contemplative nature of Silence era Scorsese is what makes this film feel like such an accomplishment. De Niro is FINALLY back but it’s the memorably against type role for Pesci and an invigorated Al Pacino who steals this one, along with a roll call of fantastic cameos, with perhaps the most screentime given to the wonderfully petty Stephen Graham as Tony Pro, not to mention Anna Paquin’s near silent performance which says more than possibly anyone else.

Yes, the CG de-aging is misguided at best, distracting at worst (I never really knew how old anyone was meant to be at any given time... which is kinda a problem) but like how you get used to it really quickly when it’s used well, here I kinda got past it being bad in an equally fast amount of time and just went with it. Would it have been a different beast had they cast younger actors to play them in the past? Undoubtedly. But if this gives us over three hours of Hollywood’s finest giving it their all for the last real time together, then that’s a compromise I can live with.

7. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

Wow. I was in love with this film from the moving first trailer but then the film itself surpassed all expectations. This is a true indie film success story, with lead actor Jimmie Fails developing the idea with director Joe Talbot for years before Kickstarting a proof of concept and eventually getting into Sundance with short film American Paradise, which led to the backing of this debut feature through Plan B and A24. The deeply personal and poetic drama follows a fictionalised version of Jimmie, trying to buy back an old Victorian town house he claims was built by his grandfather, in an act of rebellion against the increasingly gentrified San Francisco that both he and director Talbot call home.

The film is many things - a story of male friendship, of solidarity within our community, of how our cities can change right from underneath us - it moves to the beat of it’s own drum, with painterly cinematography full of gorgeous autumnal colours and my favourite score of the year from Emile Mosseri. The performances, mostly by newcomers or locals outside of brilliant turns from Jonathan Majors, Danny Glover and Thora Birch, are wonderful and the whole thing is such a beautiful love letter to the city that it makes you ache for a strong sense of place in your own home, even if your relationship with it is fractured or strained. As Jimmie says, “you’re not allowed to hate it unless you love it”.

For me, last year’s Blindspotting (my favourite film of the year) tackled gentrification within California more succinctly but this much more lyrical piece of work ebbs and flows through a number of themes like identity, family, memory and time. It’s a big film living inside a small, personal one and it is not to be overlooked.

6. Little Women

I had neither read the book nor seen any prior adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s 1868 novel so to me, this is by default the definitive telling of this story. If from what I hear, the non linear structure is Greta Gerwig’s addition, then it’s a total slam dunk. It works so well in breaking up the narrative and by jumping from past to present, her screenplay highlights certain moments and decisions with a palpable sense of irony, emotional weight or knowing wink. Getting to see a statement made with sincere conviction and then paid off within seconds, can be both a joy and a surefire recipe for tears. Whether it’s the devastating contrast between scenes centred around Beth’s illness or the juxtaposition of character’s attitudes to one another, it’s a massive triumph. Watching Amy angrily tell Laurie how she’s been in love with him all her life and then cutting back to her childishly making a plaster cast of her foot for him (’to remind him how small her feet are’) is so funny.

Gerwig and her impeccable cast bring an electric energy to the period setting, capturing the big, messy realities of family life with a mix of overwhelming cross-chatter and the smallest of intimate gestures. It’s a testament to the film that every sister feels fully serviced and represented, from Beth’s quiet strength to Amy’s unforgivable sibling rivalry. Chris Cooper’s turn as a stoic man suffering almost imperceptible grief is a personal heartbreaking favourite.

The book’s (I’m assuming) most sweeping romantic statements are wonderfully delivered, full of urgent passion and relatable heartache, from Marmie’s (Laura Dern) “I’m angry nearly every day of my life” moment to Jo’s (Saoirse Ronan) painful defiance of feminine attributes not being enough to cure her loneliness. The sheer amount of heart and warmth in this is just remarkable and I can easily see it being a film I return to again and again.

5. Booksmart

2019 has been a banner year for female directors, making their exclusion from some of the early awards conversations all the more damning. From this list alone, we have Lulu Wang, Jennifer Kent and Greta Gerwig. Not to mention Lorene Scafaria (Hustlers), Melina Matsoukas (Queen & Slim), Jocelyn DeBoer & Dawn Luebbe (Greener Grass), Sophie Hyde (Animals) and Rose Glass (Saint Maud - watch out for THIS one in 2020, it’s brilliant). Perhaps the most natural transition from in front of to behind the camera has been made by Olivia Wilde, who has created a borderline perfect teen comedy that can make you laugh till you cry, cry till you laugh and everything in-between.

Subverting the (usually male focused) ‘one last party before college’ tropes that fuel the likes of Superbad and it’s many inferior imitators, Booksmart follows two overachievers who, rather than go on a coming of age journey to get some booze or get laid, simply want to indulge in an insane night of teenage freedom after realising that all of the ‘cool kids’ who they assumed were dropouts, also managed to get a place in all of the big universities. It’s a subtly clever remix of an old favourite from the get go but the committed performances from Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein put you firmly in their shoes for the whole ride.

It’s a genuine blast, with big laughs and a bigger heart, portraying a supportive female friendship that doesn’t rely on hokey contrivances to tear them apart, meaning that when certain repressed feelings do come to the surface, the fallout is heartbreaking. As I stated in a twitter rave after first seeing it back in May, every single character, no matter how much they might appear to be simply representing a stock role or genre trope, gets their moment to be humanised. This is an impeccably cast ensemble of young unknowns who constantly surprise and the script is a marvel - a watertight structure without a beat out of place, callbacks and payoffs to throwaway gags circle back to be hugely important and most of all, the approach taken to sexuality and representation feels so natural. I really think it is destined to be looked back on and represent 2019 the way Heathers does ‘88, Clueless ‘95 or Easy A 2010. A new high benchmark for crowd pleasing, indie comedy - teen or otherwise.

4. Ad Astra

Brad Pitt is one of my favourite actors and one who, despite still being a huge A-lister even after 30 years in the game, never seems to get enough credit for the choices he makes, the movies he stars in and also the range of stories he helps produce through his company, Plan B. 2019 was something of a comeback year for Pitt as an actor with the insanely measured and controlled lead performance seen here in Ad Astra and the more charismatic and chaotic supporting role in Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood.

I love space movies, especially those that are more about broken people blasting themselves into the unknown to search for answers within themselves... which manages to sum up a lot of recent output in this weirdly specific sub-genre. First Man was a devastating look at grief characterised by a man who would rather go to a desolate rock than have to confront what he lost, all while being packaged as a heroic biopic with a stunning score. Gravity and The Martian both find their protagonists forced to rely on their own cunning and ingenuity to survive and Interstellar looked at the lengths we go to for those we love left behind. Smaller, arty character studies like High Life or Moon are also astounding. All of this is to say that Ad Astra takes these concepts and runs with them, challenging Pitt to cross the solar system to talk some sense into his long thought dead father (Tommy Lee Jones). But within all the ‘sad dad’ stuff, there’s another film in here just daring you to try and second guess it - one that kicks things off with a terrifying free fall from space, gives us a Mad Max style buggy chase on the moon and sidesteps into horror for one particular set-piece involving a rabid baboon in zero G! It manages to feel so completely nuts, so episodic in structure, that I understand why a lot of people were turned off - feeling that the overall film was too scattershot to land the drama or too pondering to have any fun with. I get the criticisms but for me, both elements worked in tandem, propelling Pitt on this (assumed) one way journey at a crazy pace whilst sitting back and languishing in the ‘bigger themes’ more associated with a Malik or Kubrick film. Something that Pitt can sell me on in his sleep by this point.

I loved the visuals from cinematographer Hoyte van Hoytema (Interstellar), loved the imagination and flair of the script from director James Gray and Ethan Gross and loved the score by Max Richter (with Lorne Balfe and Nils Frahm) but most of all, loved Pitt, proving that sometimes a lot less, is a lot more. The sting of hearing the one thing he surely knew (but hoped he wouldn’t) be destined to hear from his absent father, acted almost entirely in his eyes during a third act confrontation, summed up the movie’s brilliance for me - so much so that I can forgive some of the more outlandish ‘Mr Hyde’ moments of this thing’s alter ego... like, say, riding a piece of damaged hull like a surfboard through a meteor debris field!

3. Avengers: Endgame

It’s no secret that I think Marvel, the MCU in particular, have been going from strength to strength in recent years, slowly but surely taking bigger risks with filmmakers (the bonkers Taika Waititi, the indie darlings of Ryan Coogler, Cate Shortland and Chloe Zhao) whilst also carefully crafting an entertaining, interconnected universe of characters and stories. But what is the point of building up any movie ‘universe’ if you’re not going to pay it off and Endgame is perhaps the strongest conclusion to eleven years of movie sequels that fans could have possibly hoped for.

Going into this thing, the hype was off the charts (and for good reason, with it now being the highest grossing film of all time) but I remember souring on the first entry of this two-parter, Infinity War, during the time between initial release and Endgame’s premiere. That film had a game-changing climax, killing off half the heroes (and indeed the universe’s population) and letting the credits role on the villain having achieved his ultimate goal. It was daring, especially for a mammoth summer blockbuster but obviously, we all knew the deaths would never be permanent, especially with so many already-announced sequels for now ‘dusted’ characters. However, it wasn’t just the feeling that everything would inevitably be alright in the end. For me, the characters themselves felt hugely under-serviced, with arguably the franchise’s main goody two shoes Captain America being little more than a beardy bloke who showed up to fight a little bit. Basically what I’m getting at is that I felt Endgame, perhaps emboldened by the giant runtime, managed to not only address these character slights but ALSO managed to deliver the most action packed, comic booky, ‘bashing your toys together’ final fight as well.

It’s a film of three parts, each pretty much broken up into one hour sections. There’s the genuinely new and interesting initial section following our heroes dealing with the fact that they lost... and it stuck. Thor angrily kills Thanos within the first fifteen minutes but it’s a meaningless action by this point - empty revenge. Cutting to five years later, we get to see how defeat has affected them, for better or worse, trying to come to terms with grief and acceptance. Cap tries to help the everyman, Black Widow is out leading an intergalactic mop up squad and Thor is wallowing in a depressive black hole. It’s a shocking and vibrantly compelling deconstruction of the whole superhero thing and it gives the actors some real meat to chew on, especially Robert Downy Jr here who goes from being utterly broken to fighting within himself to do the right thing despite now having a daughter he doesn’t want to lose too. Part two is the trip down memory lane, fan service-y time heist which is possibly the most fun section of any of these movies, paying tribute to the franchise’s past whilst teetering on a knife’s edge trying to pull off a genuine ‘mission impossible’. And then it explodes into the extended finale which pays everyone off, demonstrates some brilliantly imaginative action and sticks the landing better than it had any right to. In a year which saw the ending of a handful of massive geek properties, from Game of Thrones to Star Wars, it’s a miracle even one of them got it right at all. That Endgame managed to get it SO right is an extraordinary accomplishment and if anything, I think Marvel may have shot themselves in the foot as it’s hard to imagine anything they can give us in the future having the intense emotional weight and momentum of this huge finale.

2. Knives Out

Rian Johnson has been having a ball leaping into genre sandpits and stirring shit up, from his teen spin on noir in Brick to his quirky con man caper with The Brothers Bloom, his time travel thriller Looper and even his approach to the Star Wars mythos in The Last Jedi. Turning his attention to the relatively dead ‘whodunnit’ genre, Knives Out is a perfect example of how to celebrate everything that excites you about a genre whilst weaponizing it’s tropes against your audience’s baggage and preconceptions.

An impeccable cast have the time of their lives here, revelling in playing self obsessed narcissists who scramble to punt the blame around when the family’s patriarch, a successful crime novelist (Christopher Plummer), winds up dead. Of course there’s something fishy going on so Daniel Craig’s brilliantly dry southern detective Benoit Blanc is called in to investigate.There are plenty of standouts here, from Don Johnson’s ignorant alpha wannabe Richard to Michael Shannon’s ferocious eldest son Walt to Chris Evan’s sweater wearing jock Ransom, full of unchecked, white privilege swagger. But the surprise was the wholly sympathetic, meek, vomit prone Marta, played brilliantly by Ana de Armas, cast against her usual type of sultry bombshell (Knock Knock, Blade Runner 2049), to spearhead the biggest shake up of the genre conventions. To go into more detail would begin to tread into spoiler territory but by flipping the audience’s engagement with the detective, we’re suddenly on the receiving end of the scrutiny and the tension derived from this switcheroo is genius and opens up the second act of the story immensely.

The whole thing is so lovingly crafted and the script is one of the tightest I’ve seen in years. The amount of setup and payoff here is staggering and never not hugely satisfying, especially as it heads into it’s final stretch. It really gives you some hope that you could have such a dense, plotty, character driven idea for a story and that it could survive the transition from page to screen intact and for the finished product to work as well as it does. I really hope Johnson returns to tell another Benoit Blanc mystery and judging by the roaring box office success (currently over $200 million worldwide for a non IP original), I certainly believe he will.

1. Eighth Grade

My film of the year is another example of the power of cinema to put us in other people’s shoes and to discover the traits, fears, joys and insecurities that we all share irregardless. It may shock you to learn this but I have never been a 13 year old teenage girl trying to get by in the modern world of social media peer pressure and ‘influencer’ culture whilst crippled with personal anxiety. My school days almost literally could not have looked more different than this (less Instagram, more POGs) and yet, this is a film about struggling with oneself, with loneliness, with wanting more but not knowing how to get it without changing yourself and the careless way we treat those with our best interests at heart in our selfish attempt to impress peers and fit in. That is understandable. That is universal. And as I’m sure I’ve said a bunch of times in this list, movies that present the most specific worldview whilst tapping into universal themes are the ones that inevitably resonate the most.

Youtuber and comedian Bo Burnham has crafted an impeccable debut feature, somehow portraying a generation of teens at least a couple of generations below his own, with such laser focused insight and intimate detail. It’s no accident that this film has often been called a sort of social-horror, with cringe levels off the charts and recognisable trappings of anxiety and depression in every frame. The film’s style services this feeling at every turn, from it’s long takes and nauseous handheld camerawork to the sensory overload in it’s score (take a bow Anna Meredith) and the naturalistic performances from all involved. Burnham struck gold when he found Elsie Fisher, delivering the most painful and effortlessly real portrayal of a tweenager in crisis as Kayla. The way she glances around skittishly, the way she is completely lost in her phone, the way she talks, even the way she breathes all feeds into the illusion - the film is oftentimes less a studio style teen comedy and more a fly on the wall documentary.

This is a film that could have coasted on being a distant, social media based cousin to more standard fare like Sex Drive or Superbad or even Easy A but it goes much deeper, unafraid to let you lower your guard and suddenly hit you with the most terrifying scene of casually attempted sexual aggression or let you watch this pure, kindhearted girl falter and question herself in ways she shouldn’t even have to worry about. And at it’s core, there is another beautiful father/daughter relationship, with Josh Hamilton stuck on the outside looking in, desperate to help Kayla with every fibre of his being but knowing there are certain things she has to figure out for herself. It absolutely had me and their scene around a backyard campfire is one of the year’s most touching.

This is a truly remarkable film that I think everyone should seek out but I’m especially excited for all the actual teenage girls who will get to watch this and feel seen. This isn’t about the popular kid, it isn’t about the dork who hangs out with his or her own band of misfits. This is about the true loner, that person trying everything to get noticed and still ending up invisible, that person trying to connect through the most disconnected means there is - the internet - and everything that comes with it. Learning that the version of yourself you ‘portray’ on a Youtube channel may act like they have all the answers but if you’re kidding yourself then how do you grow?

When I saw this in the cinema, I watched a mother take her seat with her two daughters, aged probably at around nine and twelve. Possibly a touch young for this, I thought, and I admit I cringed a bit on their behalf during some very adult trailers but in the end, I’m glad their mum decided they were mature enough to see this because a) they had a total blast and b) life simply IS R rated for the most part, especially during our school years, and those girls being able to see someone like Kayla have her story told on the big screen felt like a huge win. I honestly can’t wait to see what Burnham or Fisher decide to do next. 2019 has absolutely been their year... and it’s been a hell of a year.

#top 20 #films of the year #films of 2019 #10-1 #toy story 4 #the nightingale #the irishman #the last black man in san francisco #little women #booksmart #ad astra #avengers endgame #knives out #eighth grade

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wewillwriteyou · 5 years

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Crazy Little Thing Called Love || Chapter 6

A few elements from the main plot: A fine line falls between fiction and reality: what starts as a musical slowly becomes a game-changer. Tables will turn and it will get clear as the sun that the only unstoppable power in life … is love.

Summary Chapter 6: It’s time to admit the truth. How more can Ben trust his bottled feelings for Alex to stay bottled? How more can Liz blame her nerves for the way she is acting with the people she loves? Sometimes there just come a time you can’t keep it in any longer.

Word count: 4.6k

Warnings: Angst is still around, folks. Some kissing and hints of sexual scenarios but nothing specifically graphic. Safe territory for everyone ✌🏼😏

A/N: This chapter is a rollercoaster of emotions and, more importantly, it’s essential for what’s to come in the future of our characters. Trust us, folks, don’t miss this one ✨💞

Sunday, 24 November 2019

As the rain started to fall from the sky, the princess stepped outside the castle and let the cold water wash away her thoughts. “Poor little girl – whispered the Sorceress looking at her from far away – if only she knew there is still no remedy for the love filter. Yet.”

“Please, wait!” Alex shouted, waving her hand in the air trying to stop the bus from departing.

She was clumsily running while a multitude of bags full of stage costumes was dangling from her arms.

As if she was invisible, the bus sped off leaving a disappointed Alex in the middle of the street.

“Breath in. Breath out” Alex repeated to herself, trying to calm down while a few raindrops started to fall from the grey clouds gathered in the sky.

She abandoned everything on the sidewalk and searched for the phone in her purse.

Whom to call?

She knew she had missed the last bus headed to campus and she was perfectly aware that her parents were out of town that weekend because her father had in program one of his concerts.

Her finger almost pressed Joe’s name. After all, she was there stuck in the city centre at almost 6pm because she had promised him a favour.

However, she did not want to hear his parent-style voice ready to say I told you, after he had repeated her at least ten times that it was better to go in the morning, because on a Sunday afternoon the chances to catch a bus were rarer than eating a decent meal in the college’s cafeteria.

She scrolled in the phone book until she found the name of the only person she knew being reliable: Elizabeth.

“Please, pick up Liz” Alex whispered tapping her foot on the ground as she could feel the rain get more intense.

No reply.

She puffed and tried to call her again.

At that moment, a voice shouted her name and she snapped her head to see a smiling Ben leaned against the opened car door, just a few meters away from where she was standing.

“Are you okay? Do you need a ride back to the campus? I don’t think you’ll be able to catch another bus at this hour,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

Alex, with the cell phone still pressed against her ear, looked at the deserted road, then back to Ben who was staring at her. She rolled her eyes and muttered between her teeth:

“Elizabeth you better have a great excuse when I come back”

***

The ringing of the phone echoed in the dorm room.

“Don’t you want to answer?” Gwilym lifted his head from her chest to look her in the eyes.

Elizabeth smiled a little and placed a hand on his cheek, “I thought we said we needed some alone time…”

He smiled “Yeah, but it might be important”

She gave up and shifted on her bed to reach her nightstand, where her phone had eventually stopped ringing.

“Alex,” she put the phone back and laid down again, “I’ll call her back later.”

Gwilym climbed up the bed so that he could lay his head on the pillow as well and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, dragging her closer to his chest.

He was quite afraid to speak, but he knew he’d regret it if he hadn’t.

“Are you avoiding everybody?” he blurted out.

Elizabeth shook her head, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, that was your friend calling and you purposely refused to answer, Denise is wondering why you missed Art History yesterday and you skipped rehearsal last week… Shall I go on?”

She sighed but didn’t respond, her hand tracing shapes on his sweatshirt.

“And… – Gwilym continued anyway – and you haven’t spoken to Joe in two weeks…”

She knew he would have said that. And she also knew he was completely right.

She was avoiding everyone. Well, most people.

The thing was that since the kiss with Gwil on stage and the scene Joe had caused, she had felt the need to keep a low profile for a while and sort some things out in her head.

Like, why did she have the constant feeling her life was suddenly off? She had dreamed of being with Gwil for the past two months and now that he wanted to be with her, she had… changed her mind?

What’s wrong with me?

Why couldn’t she let herself go with Gwilym? For the past two weeks every moment she hadn’t spent alone or with Alex, she had spent with him. And yet, as soon as they started making out, she would feel things weren’t right, she would get self-conscious and awkwardly break the moment.

You’re just nervous… Yeah, but it wasn’t just that.

A sense of guilt about having wrecked things with Joe was constantly sneaking into her deepest fears.

And here came the biggest question mark she couldn’t bring herself to address: why was Joe constantly on her mind?

“Liz, now you’re scaring me. You’ve never been this quite – Gwil brushed a hand on her hair and rested his head on hers – I think it’s actually the first time you shut up since I met you”

She lightly chuckled and he smiled proudly, wondering and worrying about what was going on inside her head.

Elizabeth sighed, “I keep going around that day at the auditorium and I can’t shake the feeling most of it is my fault”

“What are you talking about?” Gwilym shifted so that he could see her face.

“I knew I had a crush on you – she admitted, while staring at her hand on his stomach – and Alex even suggested I talked to you about it… but I was too scared you’d turn me down so I waited. Then it happened what it happened and Joe flipped out. Everyone at the auditorium saw the scene and a friend from Econ class told me it’s already spreading on campus. I feel too awful to even step outside and to top it all now Joe won’t even talk to me…”

She struggled with getting out of the last sentence without letting her emotional state take over her.

“And in all this mess – she continued looking up to his eyes – you’re the only good thing and I can’t even let myself enjoy it…”

Gwilym smiled sweetly and bent down to place a chaste kiss on her lips, making her smile a little as well.

“Is that what all of this is about?” he asked and she turned to him with a confused look on her face, while nodding slightly.

“I’m glad you opened up, Liz – he started, while brushing her hair again – but believe me, it’s not that big of a problem, you know? People on campus talk about all kinds of stuff but it’s a matter of what? Two, three days? A week maybe? Believe me, before we know it they won’t even remember us…”

She still looked hesitant, so he added, “Besides, it’s not like we did something horrendous, didn’t we? I mean t’was a kiss on stage during rehearsal for a play. It’s not like we were shagging in a public place…”

Elizabeth almost choked on her laughter and Gwilym chuckled seeing the redness creeping up on her cheeks.

He took a breath before continuing on a more serious tone, “The real problem now is that we have to talk to Joe… - he glanced at her and he noticed the girl nodding along, while still playing with the fabric of his sweater - but you don’t have to worry. We’ll do it together”

She looked up at him again and smiled “I like that”

He chuckled “I know you do. Now please, can you go back to being Elizabeth?”

She laughed “Fine, I’ll be back… I’m sorry I haven’t been myself lately”

“That’s okay,” he smiled again and leaned in to kiss her.

She parted her lips and deepened the kiss, while his hands roamed from her side to her back.

She perched herself to roll on top of him without breaking the kiss. With a hand she began unzipping his sweatshirt and broke the kiss when she realised she couldn’t do it with one hand. Gwilym giggled.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing – he smiled. He was happy to see that she had opened up to him and it seemed to have improved their relationship as well. He continued – I like this side of you”

She frowned “What side?”

“The impulsive one. I’m glad we are where we are now”

He was smiling so sweetly, Elizabeth almost felt bad. He was charming and gentle and kind and everything anyone could ask for in a great person.

But she had that awful feeling he was not her person.

Now that her fantasies were coming true, she was starting to feel like maybe this wasn’t how things were meant to go. Maybe Gwilym wasn’t destined for her. Maybe she was keeping him from finding his destiny. Maybe he was keeping her from finding hers.

Why hadn’t this come to her before?

And why didn’t she have the guts to stop what was inevitably going to happen?

In the fraction of a second her brain elaborated this thought, she smiled and shut her thoughts in a corner of her mind, letting the irrational part take control of her actions.

She bent down to kiss him again, roaming her hands inside his sweatshirt and under his tee, slowly pulling it upwards.

Gwilym pulled back for a second “Are you sure?” he asked with his breath short.

Maybe this is the push I need to understand what I feel.

Maybe this will help me see what I need to do.

Maybe this is what is meant to happen.

Her irrational side was trying to justify why she was going along with it, but the truth was she didn’t know what she was doing. And for a change, maybe she actually even liked the idea of not knowing.

As an answer to Gwil’s question she just smiled and pressed her whole body into his, kissing him ardently.

He rolled both of them over so he could hoover her and broke the kiss for an instant to look at her in the eyes one more time, before locking her lips in another passionate kiss while pulling her jumper over her head and throwing it on the floor.

As item by item their clothes hit the floor like raindrops on a stormy summer day, the ticking of rain against the windows of the dormitory covered and hushed the sounds coming from room 896.

***

Alex’s eyes were lazily tracing the route of the raindrops on the car’s window, while inside the vehicle a pleasant warmth was hugging the air.

Ben looked at her from time to time, always swallowing the words in the back of his throat not knowing what to say.

“So – he started, and Alex reserved him one of her dry gazes – what were you doing in the city? Shopping? A date?”

“I just had to pick some things up for Joe,” she replied, shrugging her shoulders.

“Are you his assistant now?” Ben smiled, turning in her direction for a second. Alex rolled her eyes, but a friendly grin curved her lips.

“He wishes! No, I kindly volunteered because I wanted to have a stroll in the city centre anyway. I didn’t expect the tailor to be this chatty and I somehow ended up talking with him about my role in the musical”

Ben laughed along her hushed giggles and she looked at him with the corner of her eye.

“Lucky for you I was there,” he then said.

Alex just nodded and Ben wondered if he had accidentally stepped over one of her many barriers.

“Yes, for once I have to admit you were in the right place at the right time” she replied, making Ben breath in relief. He smiled widely and Alex noticed.

He saw she was staring, so he raised his eyebrows and asked:

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Alex giggled and scrolled her head. She blushed a little, but she knew he could not notice that.

“Nothing” she shrugged and came back to stare at the road.

She would have liked to tell him the truth. To tell him that she enjoyed his company too. To tell him that, if it wasn’t for Lucy, she would have let him ask her out.

But clearly, she couldn’t tell him.

The air around them, for once, was lightweight and Ben felt as if something was finally starting to change between them.

Too bad for him that he did not stop his tongue in time.

“Oh c’mon, I know you like me,” he joked, maybe a little too cheeky.

“Excuse me, what?” Alex asked, raising an eyebrow. Her insides trembling a little at those words.

“I mean, deep down, you do like me”

“Not in the sense you mean”

“So you do!” Ben exclaimed, looking at her once again. The redness on Alex’s cheeks grew darker, but the worst part of her character spoke for her when she opened her mouth:

“Why are you insisting so much? How many times do I have to reject you to make you stop once and for all?” her voice showed a tiny bit of exasperation, but Alex knew she was just playing the role of the heartless one.

“Reject me? You never rej–“

Alex cut him off violently.

“Yes Ben, I have! I am doing it right now: I do not like you and I never will. You are not my type and the sooner you accept it, the better it would be for both us! For the whole damned world!”

The silence fell heavy between them, like a stone falling from the sky. The air inside the car once again became awfully quiet and Alex wanted to jump out the window and disappear.

She had hurt him. She could tell by his tensed hands on the steering wheel and the expressionless face, that she had taken his heart and threw it on the ground mercilessly.

“I’m sorry – she mumbled, fingers fidgeting and palms sweating – I didn’t mean it”

Ben chuckled. Sardonic. Cold. And Alex felt the stings of guilt burn harder inside her stomach.

“You didn’t? Really?” he asked without diverting his eyes from the road not even for a second.

Alex breathed sharply; she had to think about her words twice this time. The last thing she wanted was to worsen the whole situation. Mostly because, deep down (and not even that deep), she cared about him. Even if she would have never admitted it.

“Ben, I’m not the answer. I don't know which answers you are searching for, but trust me if I tell you that I would be just another problem in your life”

“Why do you think I’m looking for answers? Maybe what I need is questions, not answers” Ben replied, squeezing the wheel a little harder.

“Don’t talk trough enigmas: shitty philosophic words are not gonna solve … this! We need frankness and truth and –“

“Do you want the truth? – Ben thundered, cutting Alex off – is that what you want, Alex?”

She froze on her seat, looking at him with her mouth agape as if a part of herself perfectly knew where all that conversation would have ended.

“Ben, don’t say things you’ll regret”

“Fuck regrets! You asked for the truth, didn’t you? – He harshly said briefly turning his head in her direction – the truth is I am in love with you, Alex. That’s it”

“You’re not, Ben! For fuck’s sake, cut the bullshits!” Alex talked back, shouting from the top of her lungs.

Ben cursed under his breath and, with an abrupt movement, he drove away from the main road to stop the car on the edge.

He hit the brakes sharply, but Alex did not flinch. She was ready to face the storm that was about to burst out from Ben’s mouth.

He undid his seat belt and turned his whole body in her direction, but she remained impassive with her eyes fixed on the rain that was copiously falling on the windshield.

“What are you not telling me? Because honestly, I do not understand a shit of what is going on! A minute, you are friendly and giggly, the other one you are bitching me out! Why? Is it because of Allen? – Alex, who had remained still like a statue until that moment, snapped her head in his direction with furrowed eyebrows – are you guys … having a thing or something?”

“What does the fuck has Allen to do with all of this? We went out once for a coffee and, in case you did forget about it, you’re the one who is in a fucking relationship!” Alex replied, unbuckling her seat belt as well to move her body freer and look at him directly in the eyes.

“So the problem is Lucy? That’s why you act like … this with me!”

“I act like this because I respect her! I told you a million years ago: I’ve been with people like you, who cheated on me like I was nothing and do you know how does it feel? Like shit, that is how it feels!”

Before she could recompose herself, bitter tears rolled out from her eyes and before she knew, Alex was crying.

She looked away and tried to dry her face with the hem of her sweatshirt, sniffing loudly from her nose and breathing slowly to swallow the mixed emotions down her throat.

“You know, this is actually ironic. I can’t count the times I wished, just for a day, to be on the other side; to be the one my partner cheated on me with and not being the cheated one. And now, that I am in this position with you, while Lucy is somewhere on the campus thinking that her boyfriend is simply strolling around the city alone, you know how I feel? – Alex sadly asked, gazing at Ben who was speechless – like shit”

Ben sat correctly again, staring at the road ahead.

Alex copied his actions while searching for a tissue inside her bag.

The only audible sounds were the rain and their breaths. Nothing else was perceptible.

“It’s not easy for me either. I wish it was, but it isn’t” Ben then mumbled, breaking the thick silence.

“If you love me, as you said, why don’t you break up with her?” Alex questioned. Her voice had lost all its colours, sounding cold and distant.

“It’s complicated” he replied without hesitation. Alex nodded and looked out of the window to hide new tears that were blurring her sight.

“Complicated – she echoed – you could have just said you did not care enough. That would have hurt less” her merciless attitude was back.

But this time, Ben did not add a word. He simply started the engine and, after they had both buckle their seat belts up again, drove away heading towards the campus.

***

She heard her phone beeping for the third time and she tried to reach the nightstand without moving her right arm, momentarily useless since Gwilym was using her shoulder as a pillow.

“Shit” she muttered and threw herself out of the bed to reach the phone. She crouched down, feeling suddenly exposed with no blankets or clothes on.

Three messages, all from Alex.

“Crap – she said out loud and she heard Gwilym mumbling something on the verge of waking up – Gwil! Up up Gwil!”

He mumbled again while sitting up on the mattress and stretching his back, his eyes still closed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked still sleepy.

“It’s Alex. She’s coming home. She’s gonna be here any minute. Please get dressed!”

Gwilym got dressed really quick and helped Elizabeth gather all the things that were laying around.

She was too focused on tiding up to notice the grin he had from ear to ear. Or maybe she was forcing herself not to look at him in the eyes, cause she knew she’d instantly feel guilty when looking to his innocent, loving, smiley face.

When they were done however, she was forced to face him and when she did all the thoughts in her head came flushing back in.

She gave him a small, nervous smile before hiding her face in a tight hug.

She hugged him because it was the only thing she knew she could do to show him she cared about him without letting him know what was actually going on inside her head. Because when she had something going on, he could read it right on her face.

“Today was nice” he said softly inside the hug and she limited to shake her head in a nod.

“Alright, I should go now” he kissed her head and smiled again before heading to the door.

She smiled as well but the smile faded from her lips as soon as he closed the door behind him.

Her feet walked her to the bathroom and she automatically turned the shower on, gradually removed her clothes again and stepped under the hot water running.

Why didn’t she feel better? She thought she’d clear her mind but it had actually made it worse. Why did she feel like she had used Gwilym? Why did she feel like everything she did was wrong?

And yet again, why was Joe’s face always on her mind?

Was he the reason everything felt so off?

If anything, she was even more confused than a few hours before and she struggled trying not drowning in her thoughts, as she let the hot water wash away the lonely tear that had dropped from her eyelid.

***

The car stopped in a dark corner of the secondary entrance, just a few steps away from the gate that guided through the dormitory’s garden.

They both agreed that it was better to not draw attention, so Ben avoided the main parking lot in front of the Campus façade.

The rain had subsided, but a few annoying drops were still falling from the grey clouds all gathered above their heads.

Alex was putting on her coat again, under the silent gaze of Ben who did not know what to say or what to do.

“Thanks for the lift – she cold-heartedly said, collecting the bags she had put under her seat – good night”

But she waited for a second. The one last burning hope in her heart died soon after, when Ben simply nodded in her direction without saying a word. She slightly scrolled her head and opened the car door; before it closed behind her back, she was already walking away.

“Fuck! – Ben muttered, punching the steering wheel – you complete idiot!” he said to himself. He raised his head and saw her figure getting more distant by the second.

It is now or never. He thought and, without thinking about it twice, he exited the car to run after her.

In the meanwhile, Alex was walking fast, cursing the mud pools that were dirtying her shoes. The grass was soaking wet and cold splashes were coming from both, the ground and the sky, wetting Alex as well.

What she truly wanted, at that moment, was to disappear under her heavy blankets and forget about the whole world.

She even wished to go back to her hometown. She wished her father had never gotten that new job and, in particular, she wished she had woken up early that damn morning, avoiding arriving late at the auditorium.

They would have never met. She and Ben.

It would have been better. She convinced herself.

And, with this last thought, she reached the door and stopped in front of it to look for the magnetic card inside her purse.

“Alex, wait” Ben’s voice recalled her attention. Suddenly and unexpectedly. She closed her eyes and inhaled, trying to find the strength to turn around without feeling the need to punch him in the face.

When she glanced behind her back, she saw him there. He was standing a few steps away, in the middle of the grass while the rain was boosting again.

“What do you want now?” her voice cracked a little, showing off an inner fragility that Alex hated.

Ben took a step closer.

“I could not let you go with the conviction that I don’t care about you – he started, taking another inch towards her direction – I care more than enough about you” he admitted, shouting a little to overpower the dashing of drops against the trees’ leaves.

Alex thanked the darkness that was surrounding them; otherwise, he would have noticed the redness that had spread on her cheeks.

“I don’t know what it is, but … I can’t stay away from you,” Ben added once he was literally a step away from Alex. If he’d lowered himself, the tips of their noses would have touched against one another.

“It’s wrong. This entire situation, is wrong” she replied, but her resolute tone melted into a confused bubbling when Ben pushed away a strand of her hair behind her ear.

Alex looked up at him with widening eyes that, unfortunately for her, spoke louder than her actions. Her gaze was screaming kiss me now, asshole.

And Ben, who had the same sparkling flare in his pupils, got that silent message loud and clear.

When her gaze fell on his lips, Ben interpreted that action as the green light he was waiting for; without further hesitation, he cupped her face and pressed his mouth against hers.

Taken by the heat of the moment, he hadn’t even noticed that Alex had already put herself on her tiptoes, but once he had parted his lips and felt her warm tongue playing with his bottom lip, he understood she wanted it as much as he did.

The bags slipped away from Alex’s hands, as she stretched her arms behind Ben’s back to pull him closer. His hands squeezed her hips and kept her glued against his body.

The kiss was short but passionate. Almost desperate.

They soon parted from each other, breathless and confused. They stared into each other’s eyes for another brief and silent moment.

Then the awareness of their action hit them like a train and they both felt as if they were being run over and thrown away from the rail.

Alex gently pushed him away and, after opening her mouth uselessly because not a single sound exited her lips, she bent down to collect her stuff. Ben stepped closer to help her, as she started struggling to look once again for the card to enter the dormitory.

“Thanks,” she shyly said and turned around to open the door.

Ben remained there, looking at her ready to step inside the building. But she froze for a moment and turned her head again.

“What?” Ben asked indecisive, not to know what to expect.

Alex sighed and rolled her eyes; she put down the bags and walked closer, then, with the same attitude of someone who has no choice, she gripped the collar of his jacket and pulled him down to deposit one last chaste kiss on his lips.

When she let him go, Ben was incredulous and Alex giggled noticing the stupid grin that was curving his lips.

“This is how you kiss a lady good-night, Hardy,” she then said, a second before closing the door behind her back and disappearing inside the dormitory.

“What the fuck was that?” Ben asked himself, passing a trembling hand through his wet hair as an excited giggle escaped his lips. He gave the door one last gaze, before scrolling his head and walking – well, floating – toward his car.

“What the fuck was that!” Alex muttered, abandoning her back against the wall once she had stepped inside. She passed a hand through her wet hair and a spontaneous, unwanted giggle flew out from her lips.

She recomposed herself and, climbing the stairs to reach her room with complete chaos crowding her head, she was sure of only one thing: Ben was a damn good kisser!

Fuck!

Chapters: ⬸ previous | next ⤑

A/N: Hello folks! Did you expect this ending? What do you think of Liz’s choices? Did you tear up as well when Ben ran after Alex? Let us know in the comments below! And don’t forget to like and reblog if you’d want your friends to read this story!

Enjoy!

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ferretfreedomfighters · 4 years

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⁣JUSTICE FOR SITKA - A Marshall Ferret Story

❌⁣ ❌⁣ Marshall Ferrets is the leading ferret mill in North America. They supply most of the pet stores in the USA with ferrets and pet stores across all of North America with ferret supplies. Marshall Ferrets is first and foremost a ferret mill. Ferret mills force female ferrets to breed out of season by injecting them with hormones, take their babies away from them when they are far too young, and over breed their females in order to meet the supply and demand needs put forth by their customers. Along with this, Marshall Ferret’s products are absolutely awful for ferrets: their malt paste and treats contains harmful sugars and carcinogens, their ferret kibble is essentially McDonalds for ferrets, and their toys are easily destroyed which creates choking and blockage hazards.

But, capitalism persists. This company rakes in millions of dollars every year, and they won’t stop until the money stops coming in. Please consider boycotting Marshalls and not purchasing any ferrets from pet stores, or buying any products that come from this terrible and unethical company. ❌⁣ ❌⁣

Here is Sitka’s story:

“This story is not easy for me to tell, I will.

For Sitka.

I bought Sitka from Petco on March 2nd, 2019. I knew nothing of Marshall Farms and their unethical and inhumane handling and breeding of ferrets. All I knew was that I had spent two years dreaming of owning a ferret and was finally ready to bring one into my heart and home. As soon as I saw Sitka, I knew he was the one. But looking back now, Sitka was way too young to have been in that display case, open for just anyone to purchase. He should have still been with his mother and siblings for at least four more weeks. Sadly, this is the case for all ferrets sold by Marshall Farms. While they claim the kits leave their farm at 8-9 weeks of age, I, along with many others, believe this is not the case and that most of the kits are ripped away from their mothers earlier than claimed.

Once I got Sitka home, I immediately noticed that he was scratching vigorously at his hears. During his first vet visit, the veterinarian confirmed that he had an ear mite infestation and an infection in one of his ears. Again this is the case for many ferrets purchased from Marshall Farms due to the poor and unhygienic living spaces.

Although I wasn’t the perfect ferret owner while I had Sitka, I feel like I could do a lot right now. I never fed any of the pastes, supplements, or treats made by Marshalls. I switched him to a much better kibble than Marshall’s and used a water bowl instead of a bottle. I only used oatmeal to bathe him and gave him 24/7 free roam in my room. Sitka and I were inseparable. Wherever I was, he was. There were even more mornings that I woke up and found him sleeping in the bed with my pillow.

It saddens me knowing that Sitka never had another ferret to play with and while I know humans can never replace ferret companionship, I made sure that Sitka was stimulated every day and had hours of playtime with me. And trust me, we played hard.

Flash forward 6 months lager, we had just moved into a new apartment, and I started to notice that Sitka was sleeping longer and longer. At first, I thought it was because he was stressed from the move, but then I noticed that his hind legs began to wobble and move with difficulty. I scheduled a vet appointment and took him as soon as I could the vet found that he was running a high fever and was dehydrated. She gave him some fluids subcutaneously and prescribed me with Metronidazole which is an antibiotic used to treat many infections.

I gave Sitka the Metronidozole every 12 hours for a week, but I saw no improvement. Instead, Sitka’s condition got even worse. he was extremely lethargic and his hind legs had given out almost completely. The only time he would move was to go potty, but he would only make it a couple of inches before he’d give up and relieve himself where he was. During this entire week, I was also syringe feeding and watering him since he would not eat or drink on his own. I took him to the vet again. He had lost some weight despite my efforts to keep him fed. His fever was still present, and now his head tilted to one side permanently. This time we had blood work, x-rays, and an IV done. While palpating his stomach, the vet also felt a mass in his midsection. Since there were no overnight veterinary hospitals in my city, I had to take Sitka home with me. Every hour or two for days, I would inject fluids into Sitka’s IV. I was exhausted and drained from the worry of losing him and lack of sleep. I prayed that any call I would get from the vet would tell me that it was something I could fix. But, this was not the case. The vet called and told me that the x-rays showed that his spleen, liver, and kidneys were enlarged. The blood work also showed that his organs were beginning to fail. I held Sitka close and told him over and over again how much I loved him. I didn’t want him to be alone for a second.

The following day I took Sitka back to the vet. while in the exam room, the vet explained to me what she believe was his diagnosis. Ferret Systematic Coronavirus. FRSC is simple to the dry form of Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP), and like FIP, there is no cure. A more common coronavirus seen in ferrets is ferret enteric coronavirus which causes epizootic catarrhal enteritis (ECE), but more and more cases of FRSC have been reported from the United States. Like ECE, FRSC is extremely contagious and transferred from fecal matter. The only way to prevent FRSC is by avoiding exposure from ferrets that are infected, and to keep cages clean and disinfected.

To be sure this was what Sitka had, we did an ultrasound. I can’t remember exactly what the vet saw, but it did confirm our fears. She further explained to me what the results of the blood work meant, but I was not in the right mind to listen or learn. All I was thinking about was that I was about to make the hardest decision in my life. There was a choice to potentially treat his symptoms, the vet explained that it was clear he had suffered from central nervous system damage since he had hind limb paralysis and had a head tilt. I made the decision to end his suffering and humanly euthanize him. I stayed there with him and thanked him for being my companion for the short time I had him, and told him over and over again how much he was loved and how he’d be missed. The vet announced that he no longer had a heartbeat and I held and kissed him for the last time.

After talking with my vet and one of the animal science professors, we have concluded that Sitka must have been infected by his mother. Like FIP, his virus must have started off asymptomatic and then later mutated and infected and spread throughout his body. Marshall Farms does not keep clean and disinfect cages. They do not test their ferrets for diseases like these and they do not care how genetically healthy their breeder ferrets are. They only care about producing cute and exotic colored kits no matter the issues that come along with them. I wouldn’t wish any ferret owner to experience what I did, but knowing that Marshall Farms will continue to mass-produce and inbred ferrets in unclean conditions, it is bound to happen again. Sitka was only 8 months old when he left me. He and all the others like him deserve justice. Please boycott Marshall Farms and all their products.”

Sitka is not the first, and certainly wont be the last, Marshall ferret to leave his owners much too young. Unhealthy breeding practices are the tip of the iceberg when it comes to problems with Marshall Ferrets. Do your part to stop the breeding of ferrets at ferret hell (aka MF). Do not buy ferrets from pet stores. Do not purchase any Marshall products (this includes toys, cage accessories, food, treats, and shampoos). We have the power to make a difference for ferrets across North America.

If you have a story about a mill bred ferret that you would like to share, please send it to our submit box so we can use it to help educate.

#ferret #ferretblr #petblr #animal rights #ferret stories

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momiwanabeanautistwhenigrowup · 4 years

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So here I am. Doing the one thing I have steadily avoided for the last 4 years…somewhat.

I shouldn’t start off this way but fuck I hate writing. And there goes the first impression, etched forever in your subconscious.

She’s not going to be happy about this. Meh.

So I’m a 30 y/o stuck in this hellhole and this is my story? I guess. I mean it’s really ours.

I basically made this account to vent ..uh then I realised I’d have to go all the way back for it to make sense…and I guess my life has always been this series/rpg game so it might take shape in that style. I’m mostly explaining this to myself.

Jump to 2016. I started this biography venture bc in my short 25 years I’d amassed a set of experiences that were not so average middle class life experiences, and not in the good way. Now if you take my story and place it on the backdrop of each life on this earth then, in my opinion, my life is pretty ordinary too. Hence the (reason I tell myself there was a) delay with finishing this biography. Anyway so I sat down to write this thing a total of two times(fucking literary genius) in 2016, sometime in April if I recall correctly. It was horrible but necessary, and then I guess I found magic? And decided to halt production since well…I was busy coming into awareness. I still have the draft on this pc... I stopped when I was 10 years old.

Jump to 2020 and I’m in front of this computer with Tumblr as my backdrop in order for me to feel like I have and audience and therefore someone to talk to (I decided to type this shit out on word before copy pasting to tumblr bc apparently I don’t like living on the edge??)

I’m high as fuck (I would like to say.. but na, I’m just regular high off some freshly home-grown microwaved weed.) anyway this is probably going to be my last indulgent ingestion of the stuff. Hopefully.

Don’t get me wrong, weed isn”t to blame and I have people I can talk to, but the problem is

Everyone

Has

Their

Own

Shit.

None I know has the space. I’m the most equipped to deal with myself. To me, that is deeply unsettling right now. Like… most people don’t even know where to begin and..well..I’ve been here before so I know what to do and honestly it’s fucking shit haha.

And as shitty as I feel, it doesn’t change the fact. I gotta figure this out on my own.

I’m a 30 y/o natural med student in my second year of my 5 year degree. I live at my parent’s house in a relatively good neighbourhood, I have the most comfortable bed, a loving cat, a good-looking bedroom and many middle class luxuries…like an en suite. I have a very comfortable house to live in and there is always food whenever I feel like eating or even just to cook for fun(my talents lie in the kitchen, potions, medicines and treats are my favourite pastimes, I love to nourish people. Don’t let it fool you though.) it’s c o v i d year rn and I don’t pay for shit.. factually, I’m pretty privileged to have all that I do physically.

My parents have always been around in physicality, even when they weren’t there, especially when they weren’t there… which was and still is a lot. And in rolls one of the overarching themes emerges. Welcome welcome.

I got that far and took a Facebook break, bitch she runnin

So yeah I was born in this bitch back in 1990, two guys got here before me, one 11 years prior, the other 3 years after the first. Then I showed up after our parents reconciled after a 6-month separation. But like…that doesn’t happen in my life till 2019.

I’m currently contemplating piercing my lip or nose but I threw out all of my old jewellery. Geezus, it’s her and she is 22. (side note to myself, please ignore)

Anyway so yeah I get borned unto these guys; a drummer butalso telephone technician and an accountant, both were raised as worker bees but are actually uh..nope. spoiler one is a caster the other is a timekeeper. Both mages, but they don’t know.

I was this scared to shit little creature of a child. I slept between them once It was safe to do so (I know almost nothing about kids but I’m assuming it’s a safety hazard to sleep next to new-borns? let alone to let them sleep between two people whom are also asleep. Also, I recall sleeping in this white, wooden cot thing which used to chill next to their bed. It opened up like some gates did in those medieval(<-never understood this word tbh) castles, the ones that go vertically up and down. (Yes, I remember. I remember realising I was back on this plane when I was 2 months old, it’s my earliest memory-trust me this becomes highly unimpressive once I turn 23 so hold on before you think I’m lookin for clout on this one). Like I get that that is cute and all, legit I was cradled in safety but like, that cradle started to close in very soon. Too much of a good thing changes poles kids. Leave Jesus alone he wants to have some him time.

So yeah a lot happens that was quite significant during these first 4 years but I don’t remember much but a few glimpses. Bouncing on my dad’s chest, the lounge on a sunny Sunday, mom in a beige coat, long pretty hair, a family vacation where I wore this 2 piece I loved and there was a blue waterslide tube, a fight about racism (early 90s, go figure..but like also 2020 fr) a roller-skating rink, a “haunted” forest walk, Easter…. man that vacation was fun. Most of the things I remember were from age 4 onwards. But I do have snippets of before.. playing dress up with my cousins, hiding in cupboards, hiding behind makeshift tents, maaaaany makeshift tents, talks about camping outside by the pool (oh we had quite a nice sized house with a huge yard and quite a big pool too, I learned to swim when I was two, I spent a lot of time in and around water as a kidling) I spent and remember most of my time with my cousins and being angry at our aunts. I did ballet from the age of 4 as well, I remember my mom asking me if I wanted to do ballet and I said yes, we were in this blue ballet room where one of my cousins was busy with her class. She got here 7 or 8 years ahead of me too.

Idk my childhood was pretty colourful, even today, I remember it being filled with lots of adventure. At least until I started going to crèche, but only for mornings until the other kids got here and it took my mind off of the fact that my mom wasn’t there. I hated it when my mom left me anywhere, I still remember what that felt like and it’s still nauseating despite the fact that I’m about 26 years older now.

also i’m finally posting this now and the high has already worn off. 24 hours to go.

fuck.

#fuck #autobiography #biography #time to whine

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surveensaniya1 · 4 years

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cutsliceddiced · 4 years

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New top story from Time: How COVID-19 Will Shape the Class of 2020 For the Rest of Their Lives

They call it commencement because it’s supposed to be a new beginning.

College graduation is one of life’s last clean transitions, a final passage from adolescence to adulthood that is predictable in ways other transitions rarely are. Relationships end with breakups or death, jobs often end with quitting or firing, but college is one of the only things in life that ends with a fresh start. Except when it doesn’t.

One morning in March, Clavey Robertson took a study break and climbed onto the roof of his dorm at the University of California, Berkeley. He had spent the past year working on his senior thesis on the erosion of the social-safety net since the Great Depression, and he needed to clear his head. In the distance, Robertson could see a tiny white speck: the Diamond Princess cruise ship, carrying crew members infected with COVID-19, lingering in the San Francisco Bay.

Photograph by Hannah Beier for TIME

Hannah Beier, a photography major in the Drexel University Class of 2020, has been virtually photographing her classmates in quarantine. She directed this series of portraits over FaceTime.

Two months later, Robertson’s transition to adulthood is in limbo. He skipped his online commencement and he’s living in his childhood bedroom, which had been converted to a guest room. His parents have lost their travel agency work, and his own job prospects have dried up. “No longer am I just a student writing about the Great Depression,” he says. “Now there’s a depression.”

College graduation is often marked by an adjustment period, as students leave the comforts of campus to find their way in the raw wilderness of the job market. But this year’s graduates are staggering into a world that is in some ways unrecognizable. More than 90,000 Americans have died; tens of millions are out of work; entire industries have crumbled. The virus and the economic shock waves it unleashed have hammered Americans of all ages. But graduating in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic will have enduring implications on the Class of 2020: for their memories, their earning power, and their view of what it means to have a functional society. For these young adults, the pandemic represents not just a national crisis but also a defining moment.

Hannah BeierJoshua McCaw, Drexel University Class of 2020, in his childhood bedroom in Brooklyn

Even before COVID-19, the Class of 2020 came of age at a time of fear and uncertainty. Born largely in 1997 and 1998—among the oldest of Gen Z—the Class of 2020 were in day care and pre-kindergarten on 9/11. Their childhoods have been punctuated by school -shootings and catastrophic climate change. Their freshman year at college began with President Donald Trump’s election; their senior year ended with a paralyzing global health crisis. “We stepped into the world as it was starting to fall apart,” says Simone Williams, who graduated from Florida A&M University in an online commencement May 9. “It’s caused my generation to have a vastly different perspective than the people just a few years ahead of us or behind us.”

Researchers have found that the major events voters experience in early adulthood—-roughly between the ages of 14 and 24—tend to define their political attitudes for the rest of their lives. And the Class of 2020’s generation was -already disaffected. Only 8% of -Americans -between 18 and 29 believe the government is working as it should be, and fewer than 1 in 5 consider themselves “very patriotic,” according to the 2020 Harvard Kennedy School Institute of Politics survey of young Americans. They are at once widely skeptical of U.S. institutions and insistent on more government solutions; they’re disappointed in the current system, but hold out hope for a better one.

Hannah BeierBrooke Yarsinsky, Drexel University Class of 2020, celebrating her birthday in her family’s kitchen in Marlton, N.J.

For the Class of 2020, COVID-19’s lasting impact may be determined by what happens next. If the rising cohort of young workers are left to fend for themselves, mass youth unemployment could lead to permanent disillusionment or widespread despair. A forceful, effective response that invests in the rising generation of American talent could restore their faith in the system.

It’s not clear to the Class of 2020 how the pandemic will play out. They just know it will change their lives. “Everything” is at stake, says Yale history major Adrian Rivera. “It’s this pivotal moment where we’ll never forget what’s done,” he says. “Or what isn’t done.”

School is often a refuge from the gusts of history. But the events that rupture the classroom routine, from President Kennedy’s assassination to 9/11, tend to be the ones that stick with students forever.

The coronavirus disrupted more class time, for more students, than almost any other event in U.S. history. It started with a scramble: The University of Washington announced on March 6 that it was cancelling in-person classes for its 57,000 students. Then Stanford University followed suit. Over the next few days, campuses from Harvard to the University of Michigan announced they’d be transitioning to online learning. Soon, hundreds of other colleges and universities followed.

Hannah BeierBen Scofield, Drexel University Class of 2020, on his bed in his new apartment in the Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn

By Friday, March 13, an eerie silence fell on campuses across the nation. “Something about that day was really weird, because every time my friends and I would say ‘See you later’ or ‘Catch you after break,’ I just had this sinking feeling that I wasn’t going to see them,” says Vincent Valeriano, a member of Iowa State University’s Class of 2020. “Saying goodbye felt like it carried a lot more weight than it used to.” He ended up watching his online -graduation -ceremony at home, in his pajamas.

For underclassmen, the shortened semester was an irritating disruption. For seniors, it was a total upheaval. “There’s no way for there to be closure,” says Sam Nelson, who recently graduated with a journalism degree from the University of Missouri. “I know in real life, closure doesn’t exist, but this is one of the last moments for young people to say goodbye to young adulthood and move into the next phase of their lives.”

The Class of 2020 hugged their closest friends and mourned their lost semester, but scattered back home without so much as a goodbye to many people they’d lived with for years. Acquaintances who laughed in hallways or shared inside jokes in seminars simply disappeared. Fraternities and sororities canceled their formals and philanthropy events, attempting Zoom happy hours that didn’t come close to the real thing. For some couples, casual hookups quickly escalated into long-distance relationships. Others quietly packed up their feelings for college crushes and left without saying a word.

Hannah Beier for TIMESarah Pruitt, Drexel University Class of 2020, at home with her mom in Colchester, Conn.

The loss of a milestone like an in–person commencement had a special sting for some families. Arianny Pujols, the first natural-born U.S. citizen in her family and the first to graduate from college, still did her hair and makeup as if she were walking across the stage at Missouri State University. She and her family held a small ceremony in her grandfather’s backyard, and then she stood on the sidewalk in her cap and gown waving at cars with a sign that said “Honk, I did it!” Brenda Sanchez, 22, whose parents are immigrants from Mexico, says they will miss both her graduation from Humboldt State University in California and her sister’s college graduation the next day. “My parents didn’t go to school. They didn’t graduate,” says Sanchez, who is herself an immigrant and is protected from deportation by President Obama’s Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals policy. “Your heart breaks a little. You did work hard, you did earn this degree, but you’re not going to see yourself walk across that stage.”

Instead of graduating into their future lives, many Class of 2020 seniors feel like they’ve gone backward. “We were ready to be in the world as young adults—not good adults, maybe clumsy adults, but some kind of adult,” says Ilana Goldberg, who recently graduated from Tufts University in an online ceremony. “We’re not in the system anymore, but we’re not far enough out of it to have our footing in the world.”

Hannah BeierLauren, Parsons School of Design Class of 2017, and Dylan, Marist College Class of 2017, quarantining in Lauren’s family home in Woodstock, VT

Eric Kolarik, who was supposed to be sitting at his University of Michigan commencement ceremony in early May, is instead back home in Traverse City, Mich., raking leaves, helping his mom with the dishes, doing the same chores he did in high school. “I’m 22 but I’ve assumed the life of 15-year-old Eric again,” he says. “You feel like a failure to launch.”

If only they knew that a stolen senior spring is the least of their problems. The Class of 2020 is falling through a massive hole in the U.S. social-safety net, into a financial downturn that could define their lives for decades to come. Graduating seniors have lost on–campus jobs that got them through school. Many haven’t been working for long enough to qualify for full unemployment. If they’ve been listed as dependents on their parents’ taxes, they don’t get a stimulus check. They haven’t had time to build up significant savings.

Hannah Beier for TIMEDestiny, Drexel University Class of 2019, at home in Palmyra, PA

“I’m not sure they’ve fully processed what 25% unemployment, disproportionately affecting younger Americans, will actually mean,” says John Della Volpe, director of polling at Harvard’s Institute of Politics. He recalls that during the last recession, the Class of 2009 scrambled to scoop up opportunities, “like a game of- -musical chairs.” The Class of 2020, by contrast, is essentially frozen in place by a pandemic that has trapped much of the nation inside their homes. “There almost are no opportunities in any sector,” Della Volpe says. “It’s like suspended animation.”

More than 1 in 5 employers surveyed by the National Association of Colleges and Employers in April said they were rescinding their summer internship offers. The overall number of postings on the online jobs platform ZipRecruiter have fallen by nearly half since mid-February, while new postings for entry-level positions have plummeted more than 75%, according to ZipRecruiter labor economist Julia Pollak. A year ago, less experienced job seekers were enjoying brisk wage growth and rosy job prospects. Now, Pollak says, “it’s particularly hard for new graduates.

Sanchez, who worked two jobs and started her own eyelash-extension business to help pay for school, has applied for more than 70 jobs in recent weeks without success. Williams, who dreams of working in the entertainment industry, had no luck with at least 15 jobs and struck out with fellowships that are no longer taking applicants; now she’s cobbling together gig work. Robertson had planned to try to get a job in labor activism; these days, he’s considering graduate school instead.

Hannah BeierJillian Yagoda with her boyfriend Benjamin Halperin, both in the University of Maryland Class of 2020, in the apartment they share in College Park, Md.

It’s not just dream jobs that have disappeared. Historically, many young people take positions in the retail or restaurant industries as they find their path. According to Pew, of the roughly 19 million 16-to-24-year-olds in the labor force, more than 9 million were employed in the service sector. Suddenly, a significant chunk of those jobs have evaporated. In April alone, the leisure and hospitality industry lost 47% of its total workforce, with 7.7 million workers newly unemployed, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Which means the economic crisis has hit the youngest harder than any other age group. More than half of Americans under 30 say someone in their household has lost a job or taken a pay cut because of the corona-virus crisis, according to Pew, and the youngest workers are more likely than older generations to say that the pandemic has hurt their finances more than other people.

Graduating into a bad economy can affect everything from future earnings to long-term health and happiness. Researchers have found that beginning a career in the teeth of a recession can depress earnings for 10 years, and trigger broader impacts for decades. One study from UCLA and Northwestern found that the young people who came of age -during the early 1980s recession had higher mortality, and were more likely to get divorced, and less likely to have children. Till von Wachter, a UCLA labor economist who has spent years studying this issue, has a name for these young people who enter the labor force at the worst possible moment: “unlucky graduates.”

Hannah BeierSisters Camilla Nappa, Drexel University Class of 2020, and Sophia Nappa, NYU Class of 2022, isolating at their father’s home in St. Louis

Rather than brave a job market battered by COVID-19, some in the Class of 2020 are seeking refuge in graduate school. But that presents its own conundrum. As of 2019, nearly 7 in 10 college students graduated with student loans, with an average tab of nearly $30,000. Going to graduate school can mean –taking on even more debt. “I’m having to take out grad loans, but I can’t work to pay them off,” says Sean Lange, who plans to enroll in a master’s program in public policy after graduating from New York’s Stony Brook University in an online ceremony in May. He’s not even sure he’ll get his money’s worth for the $18,000 annual tuition. Especially if his classes end up being taught online.

All of this—the forgone memories, the abrupt goodbyes, the lost opportunities—will stay with the Class of 2020 forever. “The coronavirus pandemic is the biggest cultural event since World War II,” says Jean Twenge, a psychologist and author of iGen, who studies millennials and Gen Z. “It’s going to have a huge impact on -everyone, but young adults in particular.”

Hannah BeierMagda, Drexel University Class of 2022, with her family in Lynbrook, NY

Even before COVID-19, much of Gen Z was disappointed in the government response to the issues facing their generation. These are the students who joined the March for Our Lives gun-safety movement amid near weekly school shootings, and went on strike over inaction on climate change. They were too young to be swept up in Barack Obama’s 2008 campaign, but old enough to gravitate toward Bernie Sanders’ message of progressive revolution in the 2016 primary. Those who were old enough to vote overwhelmingly opposed President Trump in that year’s general election. They favor student debt reform and universal health care. They are the most -racially diverse generation in U.S. history.

Their skepticism of public institutions is largely fueled by a sense that the government is doing too little, not too much. A study last year by Pew Research Center found that 7 in 10 wanted the government to “do more to solve problems.” The divide is generational, not political: more than half of Gen Z Republicans say they want the government to do more. (Less than a third of older Republicans agree.)

Near mandatory use of social media has already contributed to sky-high levels of depression and anxiety among Gen Z, according to Twenge. She analyzed data from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health and found that the number of young adults reporting symptoms of major depression had increased 63% between 2009 and 2017, with a marked turning point around 2012, when smartphone use first became widespread. The pandemic has likely only made them more anxious and disillusioned. Pew found that Americans between 18 and 29 are more likely than older ones to feel depressed during the pandemic, and less hopeful about the future than the senior citizens who are far more vulnerable to the disease caused by the virus.

Hannah Beier for TIMEKathryn Murashige, Drexel University Class of 2020, in the sunroom of her childhood home in Kennett Square, Pa.

Which helps explain why young activists view this as a now-or-never moment for their cohort. They know that the pandemic will shape their futures, even if it’s not yet clear exactly how. “Either we will end up with a generation that is far more resilient than earlier generations,” says Varshini Prakash, a leader of the Gen Z–powered Sunrise Movement, “or it could be a generation that is far more nihilistic, and far less likely to engage in our politics because they’ve seen the institutions fail them at the times they really needed it.” The youngest cohort of Americans “could be traumatized for life,” says Robert Reich, a former U.S. Labor Secretary who is now a professor of public policy at University of California, Berkeley. “They could turn economically and socially inward. They could lose faith in all institutions, and they are trending in that direction anyway.”

In other countries, like Egypt, Tunisia and Spain, widespread unemployment among educated young people has led to social unrest or radicalization, mostly because of a sense of betrayal. They think, “we thought there was some kind of bargain, a social contract, that if we play by the rules we get a job at the end of all of this,” says Heath Prince, a research scientist at University of Texas at Austin. So far youth unemployment in the U.S. is mostly correlated with drug addiction and right-wing extremism, Prince says, and hasn’t tipped into the realm of mass uprisings. Then again, -unemployment hasn��t been this high in nearly 80 years.

“My generation isn’t feeling like they’re being spoken to or listened to, and at the same time, a lot of us are becoming economically disenfranchised,” says Robertson, the University of California, Berkeley, graduate who studied the New Deal. “I definitely think a lot of us have lost confidence in the government.”

The only way to address an unemployment rate reminiscent of the 1930s, according to some scholars, students and activists, is a federal government response that echoes the scale of 1930s reforms. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s New Deal included major initiatives to get young Americans back to work. Six days after he took office in 1933, Roosevelt proposed the Civilian Conservation Corps: within four months, the federal government had hired 300,000 young men to plant trees and maintain parks and trails. Three million young people were ultimately employed as part of the program. In 1935, Roosevelt created the National Youth Administration (NYA) as part of the Works Progress Administration, designed to give young Americans work-study and job training. (A young Lyndon B. Johnson got an early political break as an administrator of the NYA program in Texas.) The Americans employed by these New Deal programs grew into the selfless, patriotic army that fought World War II, now known as the “Greatest Generation.”

Some Democrats say the COVID-19 pandemic calls for a similar approach. Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts has called for a “Coronavirus Containment Corps,” to expand the public-health workforce and employ an army of contact-tracers to help fight the spread of the virus. (Warren, an admirer of the New Deal, noted the CCC acronym is no coincidence.) Senator Chris Coons (D., Del.) joined with Senator Bill Cassidy (R., La.) to champion a national service bill that would expand Americorps and fund 750,000 jobs to help train new health care workers to fight COVID-19. And proponents of a Green New Deal, like Prakash and Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, are working to shape the environmental policy of presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden.

Given Republicans’ skepticism of big government programs, none of these ideas are likely to make it through Mitch McConnell’s Senate or onto President Trump’s desk. But the political landscape has already shifted the universe of the possible, with Republicans agreeing to recovery measures—such as sending $1,200 stimulus checks to eligible working Americans—that would have been unthinkable only months ago. And if Democrats reclaim the Senate and the White House, broader reform could be closer than it looks. Young people who are skeptical of government’s ability to solve big problems say their faith can be restored. “I have no faith in this Administration and this government,” explains Lange, the Stony Brook public-policy student. “But I believe in Big Government.”

Eric Kolarik spent his last semester at the University of Michigan working on a paper about the 1918 flu pandemic. Now, with classes canceled and his job search on ice, his copy of The Great Influenza is on his childhood bookshelf, alongside his old high school copies of The Crucible and Of Mice and Men. “There will be a sort of unity that the Class of 2020 has with each other, and it’s not fond memories,” he says. “People will say, ‘You’re the Class of 2020,’ and everyone will know what that meant.”

The pandemic has marked the end of one phase for this unlucky cohort. The recovery could mark the beginning of another.

Cover photograph in collaboration with Melissa Nesta

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