#so i will be home and i can listen to both parts of episode 40 and then BE DONE with season 4

[oflgtfol]

ok so i hate writing intelligent posts abt malevolent bc im scared of posting theories that are stupid and wrong but like. im feeling that the eponymous fallen star of the order of the fallen star. is john. like this is a cult not about the king in yellow like that in season 1, but instead about the “fallen star” that fragmented off the king. Augh

[carolmunson]

agitated from the shadows, can i take it all back? (older!modern!eddie)

part seven of however many. orange colored sky set list summary: things simmer in the summer, and as it comes closer to a close, whatever is lying beneath comes to the surface. and it's more than eddie bargained for.

tw: 18+ minors dni. this series is about an age gap relationship (reader is in late 20s/early 30s, eddie is in late 30s early 40s. they're around 12 years apart), arguing/yelling, references to drug use, references to smut, references to domestic violence. songspiration: episode | gallant (this is one of my favorite songs of all time so i recommend listening)

Eddie was always a little sad when Steve left after visiting, but his heart was beating fast in his chest when he hugged him goodbye. Getting Harrington's seal of approval was all he needed to hear. "Keep her around Munson. She's special, you're not gonna top her." "Oh Steve, my guy..." "I'm topping her all the time."

He couln't help the swell in his chest when you both first met, like you'd known each other for years without trying. He even got a little jealous when the night's you'd stayed over, Steve would spend his time deep in conversation with you. You'd trudge upstairs long after Ed had gone to sleep, learning more about him through Steve than he'd told you himself. You guess Steve would know better than anyone else.

You tried to make yourself scarce though, leaving them to their own devices. You knew they had traditions and plans, they spent a couple days out in the Hamptons to say high to another friend. And that was fine, you had other things to catch up on. Work, bills, the world around you that wasn't in a haze of Eddie Munson. You had to cancel a night to see him play at Rockwood Music Hall with Steve when you were too hung over from a birthday party. You hadn't seen that group of friends since college -- it would be stupid to sit at home just because the guy you were seeing was busy. He wasn't even your boyfriend. After a fortnight of semi seeing each other for finally had a night alone. He treated you to drinks at a bar between your respective places. The night was humid, air thick while you both sat otuside sipping your final glasses of wine and stealing bites off each other's plates. You decide to walk back to his place, following the walkway next to the bypass through central Brooklyn. You split a cigarette, talking about the rest of his trip -- you talk about work and the dramatic break up of two of your friends. He lives for the gossip.

He lights another cigarette while you both turn down the top of the street from the parkway. Right at the rotary where you both got caught in the rain on your first date. The street is pretty bare outside of a few cars coming down and around, families normally don't like to hang out too late. All the restauarants were closed for the night. The orangey streetlights glow over the sidewalk, competing with the lighting from the grocery store's red and blue signage, the neons from darkened bakeries and bars. You peer into the windows of apartments that are too high above you for anything discernable outside of a plant or nice light fixture.

"Oh," he starts, letting the smoke out from his first drag, "How was your friend's party? All I heard about was your hang over."

You smile to yourself, "It was fun, got a little too fucked up -- which you heard all about -- but I had a good time. Probably shouldn't have gotten so drunk and then tried coke for funsies -- that was a choice."

"Hm?" he asks, his brows raise while his head turns towards you fast, "What was that?"

"Oh, I didn't tell you? Yeah, I tried coke," your voice is casual when you tell him, like it's not a big deal. You shrug and your nose scrunches, "Probably don't see myself doing it again though."

"Probably don't?" he asks, nodding slowly while you both make your way further down the street to his apartment. He pulls another drag, letting the smoke out before tucking his lips into his teeth.

"Yeah I just -- I dunno," you shrug, "Didn't really love it. It was whatever."

"Y'shouldn't be doin' that shit, peach," he mumbles, "'Specially if I'm not around."

Your brows quirk when he flicks the finished cigarette into the street, "Excuse me?"

"Just..." he sighs, eyes rolling while he considers whether it's worth the fight, "Forget it. S'fine." You're both silent while you make it up the stairs to his apartment, he seems unenthusiastic about you being here this time around. Deflated. You both kick off your shoes at the doorway before heading inside, putting your bag on the entry way table behind the bowl where he puts his keys and wallet. He pulls off his shirt while making his way to the metal spiral staircase, not even tossing you a glance while he heads upstairs. "You comin' back down?" you ask, wondering if you should follow. "Mhm," he nods, "Just changin', gonna shower."

"Can I..." but you trail off, not wanting to invite yourself -- uncomfortable in the silence. In the way he doesn't look at you, in the way he feels far away. The sound of the bathroom door closing puts a weight in your belly, your heart thrums, heat rises on the back of your neck. You settle in on the couch, the steady hum from the central air makes your eyelids heavy -- it was already a late night. You scroll on your phone, listening while the water hits the shower floor up stairs, wishing he'd invited you up. You feel sticky from the heat outside, from the bar air, from the beer someone spilled on your legs. Maybe you should just go. He appears at the top of the stairs when you open the Uber app, clearing his throat to get your attention. He's there in his sweats again, shirtless, tattoos shining under a layer of lotion rubbed into his skin. He tied his hair up, curly wet bun sloppily piled on top of his head, bangs fuzzily drying over his forehead.

"You can hop in if you want," he says, making his way down, "I left a towel by the sink for you. I um, I got that facewash you like -- that one you told me about. It's in the shower already, next to your loofah."

"Oh," your heart flutters a little, voice still meek and quiet. He still doesn't look at you. You exit the app, clicking your phone to sleep before standing up to make it to the stairs, "Thanks...thank you." He shrugs his shoulders when he looks over at you as if to say 'don't mention it'. He barely looks at you when you head up stairs, busying himself by filling up a silver REI canteen by the sink.

He did leave a towel, as well as a change of clothes. At least you knew he wanted you to spend the night. It's not like he'd let you leave the house this late anyway, you roll your eyes at yourself when you think about booking an Uber moments before.

You take your time, letting the hot water pour over you and calm your tense shoulders. Washing away the stickiness in your chest and on your skin. You scrub your face of any remaining makeup that had melted off on the walk home -- happy to not be using whatever random cleanser he got, trying to pretend he knew anything about skin care before you came along.

Some time had passed by the time you finished, padding down the stairs to see he’d pulled on a shirt. His hair hung in frizzy curls down to his collarbone again, drops of water during the worn black fabric blacker. He’s still in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher with tight shoulders and furrowed brows like he’s thinking about something. “Thanks for the jammies,” you chirp, sitting at the island on your designated barstool. “Yup,” he says, not turning to see you – very interested in the glassware he’s holding instead. Your shoulders droop with how curt he’s being, not used to this sort of standoffish attitude. He didn’t even get this miffed when you shrugged off his suggestion to watch Lord of the Rings and sided with Steve to watch Almost Famous. You hadn’t seen it in years. 

“You okay?” you ask, his shoulders tense. “Yeah baby, I’m okay,” he says, but he shuts the dishwasher a little too hard for that to be true. 

“You don’t seem okay.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Is this about the party?”

“I said I’m fine, peach,” he repeats. 

“I mean, it’s just a party Ed, it’s like – people go to parties –” 

“I said I’m fine.” He looks at you for the first time since you got in the house. It’s pointed, accusatory, and as much as you wish it didn’t, you immediately get defensive. 

“Wait -– ” you let out a bitter laugh, “Are you mad about the coke? Seriously?” 

“Drop it,” he says lowly, “Let’s not –” 

“Are you seriously upset because I did coke at a party and you weren’t there?” you’re incredulous, “You? Eddie ‘Can’t Remember Berlin’ Munson?” 

“Stop, just forget it–” 

“No, let’s not stop – let’s not drop it. What’s your problem with me going out and enjoying myself? You mad I’m having fun without you?”  “It’s not about you going out and enjoying yourself. That’s not what it is.”

“Then what is it? What is it about me going to that party that’s got you so pissed off?” "'Cause I don't like that -- I don't like hearing that you're out getting sloppy at parties. I don't like hearing that you're trying new shit just for fun when you're by yourself," his gaze is hard while he leans over the island, chain dangling down from his neck. "I'm not by myself, I'm with my friends," you argue back, "Jesus Christ, Ed, I'm almost thirty years old."

"Coulda fuckin' fooled me," he snaps.

"Oh I forgot, you know everything. You've been there, done that. You know so much better than me, don't you?" your sarcasm makes him bite his tongue, anger teasing down his back in a blaze. Eddie hates that he has a short fuse -- he doesn't want to have one with you.

"Who'd you even get it from?" he asks, "Did you know 'em? Did you know if it was clean? Did they test it?" "Do you always know where your drugs are coming from?" you counter back. "Yeah, peach," he says with a nod, "I fucking do. I always know. God, it's like you think you're fuckin' invincible or some shit. I swear --" "I know who I got it from, it was clean -- the guy's loaded," you explain, face hot with frustration, "Can't imagine he's out there passing out fake stuff." The guy's loaded. So it was a guy -- Ed feels sick in a way that he hasn't in years. What was some guy doing telling you to try his shit? How drunk were you? Did you think he was cute? Rich guy? Did he try to pull one over on you? "How much did you pay for it?" he asks, crossing his arms. "What?"

"I wanna know if this guy scammed you, how much did you pay?"

"I didn't," you shrug. Eddie gets quiet, jaw clenching when you mention you got drugs on the house. He only knows one way that that's possible and it makes a rage in him bubble that he tries so hard to contain. His tongue runs over his teeth, trying to choose his words carefully. "You didn't pay for it?" he asks, the question clipped and tight. "No," you shrug innocently. "Did you fuck 'im?" "Wh-what?" the question punches out of you in shock. Why would he ever ask that? Why would he ever assume that? "You heard what I said," he bites, "Did. You. Fuck. Him?"

"No, I didn't fuck him," you hiss back angrily, "Why would you ever ask me that?"

"Can't think of another way to get drugs for free," he challenges back, "Did'ja suck him off? You're always tellin' me how good you are at it -- did you give him a fuckin' show?"

"What the actual fuck is wrong with you?" you get up off the barstool, posture matching his with your arms crossed tight around your chest.

"I'm just asking you a question," he repeats, his shoulders raising up and down in big breaths. "And I answered -- I didn't fuck him for free drugs," your head ticks to the side, "Sorry, not all of us have read the Eddie Munson doctrine."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying that I didn't do what you would've done." Your smart smirk when you finish your sentence makes him dig his nails into his biceps, a reminder to keep his hands to himself -- to calm down. This isn't about the drugs or the guy that gave them to you -- but he doesn't like that this is how you see him. Someone whose reckless and careless, someone who uses people to get what he wants. "Who do you think you are?" he snaps, "Huh? You don't know what you're talking about."

"If the first thing you think when I say I got drugs for free is that I fucked for them, then it's pretty clear that's how you go about your own business. How many people have you fucked for drugs?" you ask, "Actually, a better question would probably be how many people have fucked you for them?" "You told me you used to deal -- so c'mon loverboy, how many women did you have fuck you for drugs? If that's how to do it." Eddie shakes his head, eyes shut and jaw tense, taking a shaky deep breath through his nose and out through his mouth, "I never had anyone fuck me for drugs."

"So why would I have done it? Why do you always assume I'm doing something wrong? Why do you always expect me to act like I know what you know all the time? And better yet -- why does it even FUCKING matter?!" your voice grows higher and louder with each question, watching him get more and more frustrated while you continue, "Why does it even matter when you don't commit anyway? Maybe you're fucking around!" "I'm not -- ugh -- I'm not fucking around, peach!" he snaps back, chucking his water bottle hard into the sink with a loud clang. "Nice, Ed," you nod, arms crossing tighter around you, "Real nice -- what, you gonna hit me? That what's next on your list? Really put me in my place? Sounds so fucking familiar, I wonder where I heard it bef--" "SHUT UP." His voice booms through the kitchen, making you flinch. "Don't you EVER say that shit to me," he bellows, finger pointing directly in your face from across the island, "Don't you EVER make that comparison." You stand there, chewing on the inside of your cheek while he yells. "Do you feel better?!" he asks, voice hoarse and deep, graveled with anger, "Do you feel better now, peach?! Did that help?! Do you feel fuckin' validated?" He watches you shake your head no, tears starting to pool in your eyes. They look up at him, glassy and wet, threatening to spill over onto your cheeks. He takes a deep breath, chest sinking when he sees the way you look at him -- silenced and quiet now, because he scared you. Because he's scary -- and that's why he shouldn't be with anyone, that's why it's too much to feel this way about someone. You wipe at your cheeks when the tears spill out, a few whimpers coming from you when you start to cry from how he yelled. From how you don't really know what you're both fighting about, but you both really know and it's terrifying. "Don't -- no baby, I'm sorry, don't cry," he says, his own breath shuddering, "I didn't mean to yell, I'm sorry. I won't -- I won't ever raise my voice at you like that." He rounds the corner of the island, coming to meet you on the other side with extended arms. His hands find their way to your cheeks, thumbs brushing away the tears gathering at your lash line, "I'm so sorry, I won't ever yell like that again. I promise. I -- I'm -- there's no excuse for that." He leans forward to leave a soft kiss on your forehead and the tip of your nose, "I'm sorry."

"That's - sniffle - not what I need you t-to be sorry f-for," you stutter out. He frowns back at you and nods. "I -- peach I just get worried, that's all," he confesses, "I don't really think you went and slept with that guy I just --"

He swallows, thinking about the words he wants to say. His hands drop from your cheeks to pull you in to him. He settles on the barstool, pulling you close to stand between his legs like he has before. "I don't wanna not hear from you for a week only to like, get a text or call from your sister that something bad happened," he says, his dark brown eyes getting as glassy as yours the more he thinks about it. "I know you're an adult, I know you can take care of yourself and that you're safe," he assures, "I promise, I know. I'm just scared." "What're you scared of?" you ask. "Losin' you," he shrugs, "To y'know, addiction or whatever -- or worse. I don't wanna lose you -- I really like having you around. Your -- you've added so much to my life in such a short period of time and I -- I don't know, peach. I think since Steve's wife I just -- It's something I think about." "You being scared doesn't give you the right to accuse me of sleeping around," your face hasn't softened at his explanation, not letting him get away with being an asshole. He likes that about you -- you don't take his shit, "It doesn't give you the right to talk down to me like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

"I know," he nods, "That was unfair." "I think you're just trying to find reasons to make me seem not worth it," you let out without waiver, "Even if you have to make them up."

"No," his brows furrow, "No, you're so worth it. Why would you say that?" "You were so quick to accuse me of some wild shit," you scoff, "It's like you're trying to fight with yourself about it. About how you feel and like -- maybe that lady from the bar a while ago was right. Maybe I have been just for fun for you. You got to play house with me, you got to see what a relationship is like for fun and now you can ruin it cause you're over it. Or you're bored." "No -- " he starts, heart thrumming in his chest, throat getting tight, "Peach that's not it at al--" "It seems like it --" "Did you not just hear what I said about losing y--" "I don't wanna hear it, it's just bullsh--" "Baby, I'm trying to be honest with y--" "This is starting to feel like a shitty game that you're trying t--" "I love you." You stop talking at the slight raise in his voice, the weight of the sentence hanging over the both of you in the kitchen. "God peach, I -- I fucking love you. I'm in love with you," he breathes, like he's fully realizing it for himself, too, "I...shit, I think about you all the time. I go to sleep excited cause I know m'gonna see you the next day I...Jesus babe, I -- I love you." Your lower lip wobbles again, "Yeah?" "Yeah," he nods, sighing weakly, "I knew when we got you your glasses. I knew -- I think I knew from the start. And I'm scared cause I -- I don't love people like this a lot." "Just Steve," you sniffle with a watery laugh. He lets out a chuckle, reaching out to pull you close to him by the waist. "Steve's different," he shrugs, "M'never gonna love anyone like Steve."

"I'm sorry for what I said," he reaches up again, running the pad of his thumb over your lower lip, "I'm sorry for yelling." "I'm sorry, too," you match him, hand reaching up to run your fingers through his bangs, pushing them away from his forehead to kiss it. His eyes shut closed at the soft touch, feeling you step close to him while his face rests on your chest. "I..that was fucked up of me to bring up your dad," you shake your head, "I was just angry I -- I'm so sorry." "It's okay," he mumbles, wrapping his arms around you. He rests his chin on your breasts, looking up at you, "I -- I've done a lot of work to not end up like him. Sometimes it still gets the better of me." "But I need you to know something," his face is soft but serious, "I will never put my hands on you, ever." "Okay," you nod, giving him another kiss on the bridge of his nose. "Only if you ask," he smirks, "Only if you want me to. If we're doing that." You both giggle in that way that couples do when they're being gross, holding each other on the barstool. Silence carries over you when the giggle runs out, both of you exhausted from the night -- from fighting. "I love you, too," you whisper down to him. "Thank god, cause I was really nervous that I just sort of let it all out there for nothing," he whispers back. He stands up, still wrapped up in you, offering you gentle kisses. He holds you there for a minute, you hold each other -- he realizes how tender he is with you. How you pull all of this tenderness out of him. "You're my girl, right?" he asks into the top of your head. You nod into his chest, his hand reaching up to caress over your hair. "Are you mine?" you ask into his shirt. "Yeah," he smirks into a low laugh, "Yeah, I'm your girl." "Can we go to bed?" sleepiness coats the question, a neediness lacing your voice. "Mhm." He leads you up the stairs, calling to his Google home to turn the lights off when you both make it to the top. He got a new candle for his room, something with oud in it. Woody, deep, musky. Ahead of the season. You slip into bed at the same time, leaving your phone on the side table while he slips his glasses on to check something on his. You watch him with his bedside lamp illuminating him from behind. It catches on the frizz in his wavy curls, tied up in ponytail. It bleeds over the slop of his nose and the whites of his eyes. He catches you when he puts his phone to the side, smiling. "What're you lookin' at?" he asks, slipping his glasses off and click out the light. "You just look handsome," you shrug. He murmurs a thank you before dipping down to kiss you when he slides under the covers. For the first time in forever he doesn't want to have sex after a fight -- it almost feels cheap. Like it's a cover -- like he's not really sorry, like he didn't mean all the things he said. "Night, pretty." He pulls you into him when you settle in, your back pressed up against his chest, "I love you." "I love you," you say back, eyes closed, encased in his arms. He's never held someone so tight to him. Not since Chicago.

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[scarfacemarston]

Prostheses in Media - Historical standpoint

So I let the request I received about misconceptions in media for a few weeks because I wanted to answer the question adequately. My ultimate goal is to write information respectfully and ethically. I am nervous posting this and I hope I do it justice. However, I will listen to the community, especially about modern-day prostheses. I defer to them. This took days to complete. Please like and reblog if you liked it. It’s the only feedback I get and encourages writers like me to continue.

Some of the information is a little graphic, but I tried to stay away from that as much as possible. Spoilers for Agent Carter, Game of Thrones, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and Boardwalk Empire. I’m so sorry for the wonky photo sizes, but tumblr keeps fighting my edits. Historically, people/shows underestimate how wildly different prosthetics can be. Some can be very cumbersome, but some are quite advanced in comparison to other fields of medicine at their time. The first plastic limbs were designed around the 1940s and, in some countries, far later than the 40′s leading some people to use wooden prostheses. It depended on economic status and the resources medical professionals could access. However, we also have evidence of very advanced Egyptian prosthetics and Medieval metal prosthetics, so I think some of these prosthetics were cumbersome but still relatively advanced. I'm not sure if Tumblr will flag me if I post the picture, but it's in the link.

As far as historical characters, that's difficult to analyze because I feel prostheses are featured more prominently in fantasy or sci-fi worlds where you can't measure that to real-life standards. I am sure some old movies and books demonstrate these issues I am unaware of. Fictionally, I felt Agent Carter did a great job depicting disability. Daniel Sousa has a prosthetic and walks with a crutch. The other agents at the SSR agency completely underestimate him, exclude him, make extremely ableist comments, and sometimes even get physical, such as pushing/crowding him out of the way. Sousa has some amazing comments about this in the early episodes of season 1, where he talks about how everyone cheers the soldiers returning home for a few days and then essentially ignores those who did not return the "same" way, whether that is physically like Sousa or mentally struggling like Jack Thompson. 

One quote:  "They weren't clapping for me. They were clapping for this and this. Clapping because I make them feel guilty, and they want to feel good. You think because I'm wearing a suit and I got a clean shave, we're different? We're not. We're both people nobody cares about.” Sousa is below Yes, I suck at sizing pictures. I’ll edit it once I can fix my resizing. :/ Don’t worry, you’ve read the longest part. The rest is pics with tidbits.

Picture above from 1947 of WWII vets looking at various prostheses. From the “Every Body” Smithsonian exhibit. Very cool site!

I think people don't know that there are actually tons of different types of prosthetics. I have read of early breast reconstruction surgery, but academically, there are a lot of arguments about whether rebuilding breast tissue is a prosthetic or plastic surgery. Plastic surgery has an early connection with prosthetics. For example, right around World War I, facial prosthetics were considered a massive breakthrough. It literally transformed people's lives. I don't know how much I can say without Tumblr flagging me because it is so incredibly graphic. 

WWI was especially brutal because many new technologies were invented, allowing for more powerful weapons, tanks, and chemical agents like mustard gas. Think about what these weapons can do if it strikes someone's face. 

 The doctor who created much of the practices was Sir Harold Gillies, but American artist Anna Coleman Ladd played a prominent role in the creation of many of these pieces; some are actually rather beautiful in a macabre way. However, every single country had talented individuals that made key contributions. If you look up pictures before, during, and after the surgery, they are extremely graphic, so be warned. However these transformations are amazing, but the pure emotional pain, the physical horrors of war, and the transformation to something resembling "normalcy" is difficult to watch, but these people’s histories shouldn’t be forgotten.

Boardwalk Empire also depicted facial prosthetics' role through Richard Harrow's character, whose picture is above. The show features a WWI veteran with a facial prosthesis similar to the one I described. I've heard praise for it, but I realize that isn't a historical fact. I've heard of other period dramas having characters with a prosthesis, but I haven't watched them. 

Since limbs are the most common prostheses - 

Anakin and Luke Skywalker's prosthetics are entirely scientific-fantasy realm, as well as Jaime Lannister's from Game of Thrones. However, a German knight named Götz von Berlichingen had a relatively advanced arm. There is a picture below of Gotz's prosthetic. 

Jaime Lannister’s prosthetic above:

I think another one of the most famous examples is Bucky Barnes. People generally know that his arm is highly unrealistic, so I’m not entirely sure how helpful I can be here. I can mention WWII prosthetics a bit though. Here are two links: 1. These are people who have prosthetics and / or work with prosthetics in a medical setting.

2. The Science of Marvel by Sebastian Alvarado has several bits about Bucky’s arm and its connection with the rest of his body.Falcon and the Winter Soldier explored this a bit and because of a chain of events, Bucky discovered a fail safe in his arm was placed by those who helped rebuild his arm. A lot of people are heavily debating whether this is an example of discrimination/ abelism or not. 3. Here is a video of some prosthetic experts and users looking at Bucky’s arm.

This picture is from the 1940s. This type of arm is still used today. Sometimes it’s function-based, but historically, sometimes, the type of prosthetic was based on your socio-economic status. 

World War I prosthetics seem to appear more closely to an arm, but WWII prostheses seem to focus more on functionality.  I post a pic here for the comparison.  (PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME HERE. This is something that’s confused me for ages because the academic books and journals I’ve read contradict each other.) The picture below appears to be the type of arm Bucky would have had more likely than the picture that I show earlier. Ironically, despite the “better tech”, WWII veterans staged a protest over the quality of veteran health care, especially those with prostheses. Makes me wonder what Sousa and Bucky would have done. Would they have participated?

The fetishization of prostheses can also be a huge problem. There is fan fiction on which people in the prosthetic community have a wide berth of opinions. Since I don't have a prosthetic myself, I don't feel like it would be right of me to speak up on the subject except to say that there is zero denying that fetishization occurs. Finally, many people need to remember that not just soldiers/ veterans and action heroes have prosthetics. Some people are born with differently formed limbs. Another thing is not everyone feels shame over their body. I posted examples below of people who have different opinions. Regardless, the media could better reflect diverse stories. Disability research can be tricky as a lot relies on medical records, which can be tricky to get . The most crucial thing for historians is ethics and following protocols so finding records require more effort. There are also diaries, letters, and memoirs, but that can also be difficult to come across, meaning we don't have as many narratives from the people with the prosthetic themselves. However, there are new letters found and memoirs written all the time.

Finally to learn more:

I would recommend A Disability History of the United States (REVISIONING HISTORY) by Kim E. Nielsen, which you can find in libraries and other sources that have PDFs.....It’s a little more accessible, but another wonderful book is 

Paying with Their Bodies: American War and the Problem of the Disabled Veteran by John M Kinder. It’s a more graphic read and more academic in tone, but I still recommend it.

Links: 

Here’s a good mini-documentary about some of the latest advancements in prosthetics.

Here’s an article about the future of prosthetics.

I don’t usually post a source like ABC News, but they have an interesting WWII catalog type of graph and a great example of modern pieces.

I hope you all found this interesting. I was very nervous to post this. Please let me know (politely) if anything should be corrected. I’m here to listen to the community. As a disabled person, I think it’s crucial to listen to others in the community, even if our stories and experiences differ.

Feel free to send more questions to me! My specialties are the history of medicine and the history of human sexuality, but I also like to research other aspects of history, so feel free to ask!

[hildyj]

Podcast Recs: Comedy

So I know that there's nothing more subjective than comedy, but I feel I have to toot the horn for these two podcasts, even though they can both be placed in the same surprisingly narrow category of "British men in their 30s and 40s talking about subjects in a humourous manner".

Loremen deals with local legends, ghost stories and other historical curiosities of mostly Britain (though they will go to other parts of the world if they have a guest host). The two hosts take turns going over the story of the week and at the end the other will grade the story-telling using various whimsical categories. It's not hugely inventive but it's alway good fun and the two hosts match each other well when improvising comedy.

I have never laughed harder at any podcast than when I listen to Three Bean Salad. Three comedy writers/performers pick a random subject from suggestions sent in by the listeners (everything from Bags to France) and use that as a jumping off point for their conversation. A few times they will actually deal with the subject at hand for the entire episode, but mostly they veer wildly away from it immediately. Their comedy style tends towards the delightfully absurd, and the three men are each so particularly weird in a very normal way that I just don't tire of hearing them talking about their adventures trying to find a birthday card, their lovely family made up of hired actors, or what they would do if they came home after Christmas to find a cut of beef in their fridge close to its sell-by-date. The subject in the title may be Dentists, but you just never know what sort of hilarious nonsense you're actually going to be listening to over the next hour. Oh, and make sure to start from the first episode, if only to see the slow building of their comic universe of references upon references and ever-evolving jingles.

[gothmikasagf]

can i ask for a stranger things ship pls? I don't care if you pick a male character or a female character. Romantically could love anyone. Asexual.

I'm like 5' 4" which is tall for the females in my family 😂 Female. Black hair. Blue eyes. Irish. INFJ. 23. Christian. Hufflepuff.

I'm super pathetically unfit and weak and would so die within like two minutes of being in the upside down. Bought weights watched a bunch of YouTube exercise videos, hated the entire experience, exercise is pain, waste of money and effort, 10/10 will not attempt that shite again.

Spend my time questioning why I waste so much time. Yikes. Reading is lit it's like the closest thing to living in a different world. I like collecting vintage trinkets and clothes and cassettes cuz vintage stuff is like the closest thing to time travel. Love graphic novels haven't recovered from reading locke and key the premise of that was so damn cool. DC comics. Murder mysteries. Fantasy. Detective. Horror. Will basically read anything except romance novels or love triangle stuff. Although I have a set of romance paperbacks from the 40s and they are the funniest thing ever. Tolkien. Agatha Christie. Philip Pullman. Currently reading the umbrella academy.

Comfort Movies: LOTR it's so good that it's so hard not to cry at it, like you know sometimes when you listen to music and you get an ethereal otherworldly feeling and sometimes in nature you get that feeling, watching lotr causes that feeling too. The Iron Giant. Casper. Coraline. Aladdin.

Last movie I watched was the foo fighters movie Studio 666

Last tv episode i watched is taskmaster

Some hobbies are embroidery, reading, listening to music. Will listen to any music. Comfort music is Frank Sinatra, Ray Charles, Aretha Franklin, Emeli Sandi, GNR Don't Cry. Fav band is The Foo Fighters and Twenty One Pilots. Others I like are Kflay, In This Moment, The Pretty Reckless, Halestorm, Iron Maiden, Metallica, Bon Jovi, Donna Summer, Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand, The Scorpions, Jinjer, Kylie Minogue, Queen. Violet Orlandi. Avril Lavigne. I'm gonna stop now cuz I've already said way too many.

Things I like about myself: I like that I'm trying, I like that I have a much better routine, I like that I don't hold grudges, I'm strangely proud that I got hufflepuff on pottermore 😂

My clothing style theoretically is a mix of vintage 30s-70s and 90s. Although in practice cuz I don't really leave the house I mostly wear pyjamas or tshirts that I've sewed my fav lyrics onto. I wear long clothing to cover myself for a variety of reasons.

Insecurities: really shy legit can count my irl friends on one hand and honestly if it weren't for the effort on thier part I probably wouldn't even have any friends right now, mental illness plus being kind of a recluse isn't the best for maintaining relationships, faded marks on my face where I use to have acne, scar on my forehead from cracking it open, don't like the sound of my voice, this is a weird one but I'm insecure about the size of my skull I dunno I just don't think it's right 😂

I match you with...

Eddie Munson!

He tells you that you don’t have anything to worry about and that he can and will protect you from any harm...and ends up tripping on his own feet two seconds later.

You’re both book nerds and lotr lovers, he would probably point out any incosistencies between books and movies but he loves the movies too.

Sometimes you exchange reading reccomendations when you don’t have any idea on what to read next and end up discussing in depth the plots.

He really likes your music taste and hopes that the music he does with his band will impress you.

We all know that slytherins and hufflepuffs are the best duo.

Lets you borrow any of his shirts if you want to.

He prefers staying home too so you’re stuck with him bothering you.

He finds it endearing that you’re shy and he’s usually the one speaking when you’re in public.

I hope you enjoyed it.

[takeeachdayonebookatatime]

Why did you elbow me? 104

Achilles Castle part 9

Alexis: pov The waiter comes back to our table asking if we want dessert. The other table is paying for it. I tell him to tell Penny's family my dad is famous and use the money for something else. We order cheesecake and fruit with ice cream and whipped cream. I give Dad his pain pill, after he pays the bill we head back to the car. He suggests we stop at this cute little candy store on the way home.

Kate: pov in the store all of us buy some candy they have a lot of older types of candy. Back at the house Castle says he is going to take a nap. The rest of us head off to do our own things. We will eat the candy later while we watch a movie. It's starting to get dark out, that is when I hear a very loud noise outside it looks like the neighbors are having a party and are shooting off fireworks. Oh no this is a big trigger for me.

Dave: pov something is wrong with Kate the loud noise seems to be bothering her, she is trying to cover her ears, she looks freaked out and panicked. She is breathing all heavy and weird. Lanie is trying to calm her down and says her heart rate is getting elevated, nothing seems to be working to calm her down it is mentioned Kate's therapist is on a family vacation. Lanie says it's a severe PTSD episode, fireworks for some reason trigger her PTSD, it might be the sound of them or the light they make, it might be both.

Martha: pov Katherine is having a hard time, Castle is trying to comfort her but it's not working, she is really having a hard time breathing. The fireworks are still going on which is making her PTSD worse. Lanie tells Alexis to call Dr Burkett, he is Katherine's Cardiologist, he mentions if she doesn't get better with the meds in 40 minutes or her breathing gets worse call the emergency service line the local hospital has and see what they say. Katherine is curled into a ball with her knees near her chest. Castle is holding her hands up so Lanie can quickly give Katherine an injection of her heart meds.

Castle: pov everyone is concerned with the way Kate is breathing, plus her heart rate is elevated. Lanie is keeping an eye on her till she calms down. Alexis is on the phone with the hospital's emergency services per Dr Burkett who is Kate's cardiologist request, they are asking Alexis what Kate's symptoms are to see if she needs to be brought in. She mentions Kate is having a PTSD episode and is having trouble breathing, her heart rate is also elevated.The nurse says she should be brought in for monitoring. Jim offers to drop them off at the hospital. I hope Kate is okay. It's hard not being there for her.

Lanie: pov at the ER I'm signing Kate in. Thankfully I had Alexis call ahead so we don't have to wait in the waiting room. The Dr from the other day Dr Crane is waiting for us in the exam room so is another Dr named shing. Nurse Suzanne is hooking Kate up to some oxygen and heart monitors, she gives Kate some oxygen because she isn't breathing right. The nurse then inserts an IV so Kate can be given some meds and some blood can be drawn for testing. I explain to Dr Crane what happened. Nurse Suzanne gives Kate some calming meds in her IV. I help Kate onto the exam table. Dr Crane listens to Kate's heart and lungs. The nurse has her lay down so she can put the EKG, wires/leads on Kate. Next nurse Suzanne unbuttons Kate's shirt and attaches the wires/leads. She then starts the machine. Kate's heart rate is coming up elevated, Dr Crane then puts the ultrasound gel on her chest and moves the wand around over her heart. Looks like she is being admitted for close monitoring

Alexis: pov I'm so angry, me and Dave decided to head next door and tell them what their shooting of fireworks did. We walk up to the backyard where they are sitting. They look like teenagers, drunk teenagers. I walk over and tell the boys the fireworks that you are setting off caused my mom who is a homicide captain out of the 12th to have a severe PTSD episode and with her having a heart condition my aunt Lanie had to take her to the Hospital. They don't seem to care, one of them said so. It's our property we can do what we want, and if she can't handle loud noises that is not our problem. The one boy says some people are just so pathetic and helpless, they expect everyone to cater to them. Dave suggests we leave before I get even more angry. Back at the house dad suggests I call the cops on them.

Jim: pov the Dr can see the arrhythmia on the EKG and Echocardiogram, I'm so glad it's not a major heart issue. Dr Shing is a psychologist/therapist who is here to look at Katie. Lanie explains the situation to the Dr, he says setting off fireworks in your backyard is illegal. Lanie explains to both Dr's what Katie's vitals were the whole time before we came to the ER. She is out of it kind of. Katie is being taken for a Cardiac CT scan and Cardiac MRI, just to make sure everything is okay. Lanie is allowed to be in the booth with the technician doing the scans. I'm waiting in Katie's room on the cardiology ward.

Kate: pov I know we are at the hospital, I don't feel so good. I feel panicked and agitated. I'm being moved to a room on the cardiology ward. Once I'm settled, dad sits down next to my bed and holds my hand. I'm starting to feel better. The meds must be working. 40 minutes later Dr Crane walks in my room with nurse Suzanne, they go over my scans and blood work. To be continued. ……..

[comedywalkwalk]

Hello and welcome back to day two of Comedy Walk! Walk! I wasnt able to find a postable clip of the episode I listened to today, so I posted a clip of Aziz Ansari (one of todays featured guests) from the Comedy Bang! Bang! Tv show; but if you’re really interested in hearing it, check out cbbworld.com

Another walk, another episode of Comedy Death Ray radio on indie 103.1. Todays guests were Aziz Ansari (Parks & Rec) and Kevin Nealon (SNL) as well as Doug Benson who makes his second appearance for another segment of “Doug Loves Movies”

This episode started with their more commonly known theme song performed by Reggie Watts, however I believe at this point in the series the song hadn’t yet been written, so after Scott read his intro, he played a song by Greg Beherents band, The Reigning Monarchs (which I will list below) the show still heavily features music like a regular radio show, however it seems as if the songs have all been cut or edited down now that the episodes have been rereleased as part of the Comedy Bang! Bang! series. They also mentioned that the show was being video taped and broadcast on G4 (but I couldn’t find any clips)

Todays episode was much shorter than yesterdays, Aziz was the cohost and Kevin was there promoting Aliens in the Attic, as well as a book he just wrote called “Yeah you’re pregnant, but what about me?” They also took a live caller who just wanted to know what the lineup was for that weeks Comedy Death Ray live show. After the call they read a few twitter questions like “Do you smoke weed?” And “How can I protect my home from the incoming zombie pig apocalypse?” Neither of which gained much traction as conversation starters. At the end of the show they get a call from Doug Benson who gives them his review of the new Star Trek movie, which he says was enjoyable even though he only stayed for the first 40 minutes before leaving. His three word review of the film was “Tyler Fucking Perry!” To finish things off Scott says Happy Birthday to Kulap his Comedy Death Ray partner BJ Porter.

As far as the walk goes, I did notice I was walking much quicker than I did yesterday, it didn’t take me as long to get to the park as it did the day before. I remembered to count my laps today, I did 4 laps around the park before heading back home on the opposite side of the neighborhood. The weather was fantastic, I didn’t even wear a sweatshirt. The park was packed with people though, not enough to deter me but uncomfortable nonetheless. I also noticed that part of the circle in the park is on an incline so I guess that’s like a bonus?

My stats weren’t as impressive today as they were yesterday, but I’m not looking to top any scores or anything, so that’s ok. The walk ended up being shorter just because todays episode was shorter in length. I ended up doing 4947 steps and 2.14 miles in just under an hour.

Overall the walk was easier, but the episode wasn’t as fun as I was hoping. Either way I enjoyed both. Episode 2/walk 2 gets a 3 out of 5.

Todays songs:

The Reigning Monarchs - “Short pants for Fatty”

The Lonely Island - “Sax Man”

Flight of the Conchords - “Business Time”

Weird Al - “Eat It”

Joe Pesci - “Wise Guy”

Hard & Phirm - “Pi”

Dragon Boy Suede - “Nut Valet”

[celtfather]

Irish Diaspora, Men of New Basin Canal

The departure of the Irish from Ireland in the 1800s had some tragic consequences. Jamie Haeuser’s songs “Men of New Basin Canal” and “Bridget’s Prayer” dig into that. So we’re gonna dig into the songs and the album How America Saved Irish Music. Great news about my next album, Come Adventure With Me. Bandcamp now playlists. And learning to say no.

This is Sci Fi Pub Songs & Stories #266.

0:30 - Marc Gunn “Old Dun Cow” from St Patrick’s Day

4:35 - WELCOME TO SCI FI PUB SONGS & STORIES

This is the audio edition of my newsletter as well as the liner notes for the songs I record so that you can enjoy my music even more! And who am I?

I am Marc Gunn. I’m a rhythm and folk Celtic musician living in Atlanta, Georgia. I play traditional Irish and Scottish drinking songs. But I’m also a songwriter. I write songs inspired by Celtic culture as well as songs inspired by pop culture, things like Lord of the Rings, Firefly, Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who and more. That’s the reason one brewery I play called my music Sci F’Irish music. It’s also why this is Sci Fi Pub Songs & Stories.

WHAT’S NEW

St Patrick’s Day music on Irish & Celtic Music Podcast

6:08 - UPCOMING SHOWS

MAR 10: Tucker Brewing Company, Tucker, Ga @ 6:30-9:30 PM

MAR 11: Pontoon Brewing, Tucker, Ga @ 3-6 PM

MAR 15: St Patrick’s Day Concert on Bandcamp @ 7 PM EST

MAR 18: Pontoon Brewing, Sandy Springs, GA @ 12-3 PM

MAR 18: Ironshield Brewing, Lawrenceville, GA @ 7-10 PM

JUN 3-10: Celtic Invasion Vacations, County Mayo, Ireland

9:34 - Lauren Oxford “What Rings True” from Lauren Oxford

14:40 - IF YOU’RE WAITING TO COME ADVENTURE WITH ME…

Then you don’t have too much longer to wait. Well, assuming you were part of the Kickstarter.

My engineer, Mitchell, sent me three songs last week. I listened to each of them while I was getting my car emissions tested. We spent the rest of the morning emailing and forth with mixes and edits. I love the result, and those are the final tracks for the album.

I should have a track listing soon. I want to make sure we nail down the last of those songs. But I greenlighted Mitchell to start creating a song order so I could start listening.

The other thing I finally did was come up with a couple Album Pin designs thanks to Miranda. I ran a poll on Patreon between two different designs: one a dragon and one a compass. It was a tight poll. They both are pretty fantastic.

But as they say in Highlander: there can be only one!

That’s actually not at all true. I can do more. But for the Kickstarter, I went with the Compass design that reads: “Never Stop Adventuring”.

I’ll send that to the printers as soon as I have a track listing.

Finally, I’m still on target for sending out the digital album to everyone on Kickstarter on March 17. Here’s hoping!

21:10 - Marc Gunn “Whiskey in the Jar feat. Andrew McKee, The Irish Bard” from St Patrick’s Day

24:26 - DOWNLOAD MY FREE EP

You can download all of my songs in this show. Just send me an email.  pubsong@celtfather

You will get an auto responder with a link to download this month’s album. You can also subscribe to the podcast if you’re not already subscribed. It’s quick and easy.

While you’re emailing me to get your free EP, let me know what you’re doing while listening to this episode.

25:00 - STORY OF MEN OF NEW BASIN CANAL

I was living in New Orleans in 2009 when I got a phone call from Jamie Haeuser. She was driving back from an Irish session in NOLA to her home in Robert, Louisiana across the causeway. She told me she had written lyrics for two songs. She asked if I’d set them to music.

Of course, without hesitation, I said, “Yes! What are they about?”

She then told me how the Causeway she was driving across had once been the New Basin Canal. It was a shipping canal from Lake Pontchartrain through swamp to booming uptown part of New Orleans.

Work on the canal began in 1832. Almost immediately, they ran to problems. Yellow fever ravaged the workers. It was deemed too costly to use slaves to build the canal. So instead, the Irish immigrants were hired to build it.

Many people don’t realize that New Orleans was one of the top immigration points for the Irish behind New York and Boston.

As a result, it’s estimated that between 500-30,000 Irishmen died digging the New Basin Canal. No one knows for sure the exact number. Wikipedia suggests 8000 might be a more accurate number. But holy crap! But even a popular number of 8000 people dying to dig this canal is insane?

So Jamie decided to write a song called “Men of New Basin Canal” to share their story.

26:43 - Marc Gunn & Jamie Haeuser “Men of New Basin Canal” from How America Saved Irish Music

Here, we came to find a bit of land Land our fathers never had No land we found but only death From fever, the yellow jack

The yellow jack, one day you’re up The next you’re in the grave A grave they call New Basin Canal For us six miles of pain

* Heave ho, boyo, it’s dig and death Heave ho, God help us all

O‘Hanlan was the first to fall Then down went Mike O’Shea The boss called up and down the line For men to bear away

The men who fell, hundreds a day Shook like a Mayo gale Too few there were to dig the trench Too few to bear away.

Why is it Erin’s sons are called When slaves they cannot spare When earth and water must be moved To make the rich man’s share

From lake to river to move the goods That make the rich men more Down we fall time and again And none to hear our prayer

But we will rise, somehow, sometime To rule those who rule us We’ll fight to o’ercome the loss Of thousands of Ireland’s best

We will be known as men who died Will live to make our mark The men of New Basin Canal Known as New Orleans own

It’s a powerful story. It had me mesmerized imagining the almost shanty style of work to dig the canal. So when I came up with the melody and chorus, that’s the rhythm that I picked. Especially with her “Heave ho, boy”. It just screamed sea shanty.

Later, Jamie and I recorded the song for our CD, How America Saved Irish Music. The one little thing I had to add to it was a crash symbol.

You see, I have long thought this was a great sing and interact along. In particular, I always imagined clapping like this.

Heave ho, boyo, it’s dig and death [clap, clap] Heave ho, God help us all

It gives it a great energy. But for the recording, I didn’t want clapping. I wanted that crash symbol much like the one used in the song “Zombie” by The Cranberries.

Jamie didn’t stop at one song though. She also wrote “Bridget’s Prayer.” It’s basically the same story but it’s from the perspective of women who watched their men die digging the canal. The ones buried them.

It’s another great song.

Oh, Michael, please don’t go today You’re shakin’ like a leaf We will make do, o stor, maron We will make do somehow

I’ve washing in, I can do more Just don’t go back, I pray It’s death my darlin’ one, I know It’s death in that new canal

I pray, in holy Bridget’s name I pray, God help us all

My babies need their father here My babies need you so Please don’t go back, I know that you Will fall if go you do

I can find work, I’ll sew and wash ‘Till bloody my fingers are Just don’t go back, oh, stor maron It’s death in that new canal

Oh, Michael love, I cannot live Without you, dearest heart Find other work, I care not what Find anything but that

I cannot stand to see you fall Like our friends before have done Too many widows made too young It’s death in that new canal

A big thanks to TJ Barrens, our sound engineer, Doctor Sick, who provided fiddle and mandolin, and Katie Haeuser who shared some amazing background vocals for the album.

29:52 - INTERVIEW WITH JAMIE HAEUSER

49:27 - Marc Gunn & Jamie Haeuser “Bridget’s Prayer” from How America Saved Irish Music

51:31 - JOIN THE CLUB

The show is brought to you by my Gunn Runners on Patreon. If you enjoy this podcast or my music, please join the Club. Every week, you get bonus podcasts, downloadable songs, printed sheet music, blogs, or stories from the road. Plus, you get weekly access to my Coffee with The Celtfather video concerts. Sign up for as little as $5 per month and save 15% with an annual membership. Thanks to my newest Gunn Runners on Patreon: Alice M, Karla Ad, Triskele, Ayden B

52:25 - SAYING NO, EVEN IF IT’S INCLUDED

Inara asked me to fill her juice bottle up to a certain line. No higher!

I asked her why. She said it was because if she drinks more than that, then she’ll get filled up and not be hungry for breakfast.

I was blown away that at age 8, she already knows her limits. I might’ve learned that by 48…

She also knew that it was too tempting if I gave her more than her limit. She might end up drinking it.

Seth Godin wrote a blog recently about saying no, even if it’s included. He concludes that “No might be better than free.”

I’ve come to appreciate saying, “No,” a little bit more recently. I do it on those rare times I go eat fast food. “Do you want the meal?”. No. Not really. Thanks.

But I’m also thinking of it in terms of environmentalism. The Album Pin printer I use, GS-JJ, automatically put each album pin in plastic when it is shipped. I really don’t want those little pieces of plastic that encase each pin. It just occurred to me today, I can say, no. I can ask them to not put them in there.

I bring canvas tote bags to the grocery store so I can bag the groceries myself and not take another plastic bag home with me.

When I choose fruit and vegetables, I pick the ones that aren’t in plastic bags. I get a little grossed out by putting them on the scanner. But then I wash them when I get home.

I don’t need more stuff in my life. If I buy it, it needs a reason to stick around. Sometimes that can be for pure enjoyment. Sometimes it’s like you want to archive something you love, like many of you do with CDs or USBs. But most of the time it’s gotta be something practical.

So I do my best to say no. Obviously, I'm. not perfect. I don't do all of these things every time. But as long as I'm learning to say no to excess more than I say yes, I'll call that a win!

What about you? What do you say “no” to?

1:00:57 - Brobdingnagian Bards “The Orange and The Green” from Brobdingnagian Fairy Tales

We talk about AI on the next Brobdingnagian Bards Podcast.

1:03:22 - BANDCAMP APP NOW HAS PLAYLISTS

One of the big reasons I started selling my music through Bandcamp was because of their app. Yes. You can download music as MP3s or whatever lossless format you prefer, but you can also stream the music through their app.

But up until now, I could only listen to one album at a time from one artist at a time. No longer! You can now create your own playlists with music that you own.

So if you’ve been buying my music on Bandcamp these past few years, head on over. Make your own playlist.

Buy some merch while you’re there. The full store opens up on Wednesday. And this Friday, March 3 is Bandcamp Friday, Bandcamp waives all of their fees. So I earn a little bit more from each purchase.

It’s prolly a good time to pick up some USBs to archive your music! Or get a ticket to my St Patrick’s Day concert.

If you love this episode, then take a screenshot on your phone. Post it on social media. And tag @celtfather. Tell me what you like about this episode and what you’d like to hear in the future.

1:06:02 - Marc Gunn “Tae the Begging” from St Patrick’s Day

1:10:20 - CREDITS

Thanks for listening to Sci Fi Pub Songs & Stories. The show is brought to you by my Gunn Runners on Patreon. Every week, you’ll get a new podcast or song or video or video concert. You’ll also save 25% off all my merch in my store. The show was edited by Mitchell Petersen with graphics by Miranda Nelson Designs.

You can subscribe and listen to the show wherever you find podcasts. Sign up to my mailing list to read the show notes for this episode and find out where I’m performing.

And of course, please tell one friend about this podcast. Word of mouth is the absolute best way to support any creative endeavor.

Have fun and sing along at www.pubsong.com!

#pubstories #stpatricksday #irishdisaspora

Check out this episode!

[greysfinder]

Watch mail call full episodes

Watch mail call full episodes full#

He popped up in several other plotlines, including Margaret’s which felt totally out of place and had no resolution. Charles and his joy at the loss of 40% of the Missouri sorghum crop due to hail was funny. They were heavily involved in Klinger’s plotline. I’m sure there are some fan written stories out there in which Hawkeye’s father romanced Radar’s mother.Ĭolonel Potter and Father Mulcahy both received mail but it was only incidental. The best part of Radar’s plot point was Hawkeye’s story about how as a 12-year-old he kept his father from marrying and being happy because he was jealous of his father’s interest in a bookkeeper. It just wasn’t as developed as I would have liked. Sure, the other Benjamin Pierce was interesting, what with his monotone, humorless demeanor at odds with the way he made all the ladies laugh. There was a lot of potential and I don’t think it was fully reached here. Part of me wishes that Hawkeye getting another Benjamin Pierce’s mail had been a larger plotline in another episode. Together, Klinger and B.J.’s plot points felt a little reminiscent of Trapper nearly going AWOL in “Mail Call” during Season 2. While that may seem somewhat sexist, I’m sure it was a very real fear for soldiers in the 1950s. No, he was terrified that Peg would realize she didn’t need him, that she could fend for herself just fine. He wasn’t so much worried about her having to deal with plumbing or the car and his anger wasn’t just that a good neighbor made a pass at her. Has it been a few months? Half a year? More? He always missed her but this time there was something more. has been away from Peg by this point in the series. Likewise, we don’t know just how long B.J. His plea in front of the entire camp (“I want somebody to listen to me.”) revealed the depth of his pain, both at the divorce and the fact that he had become the boy who cried wolf. I wish more attention had been given to the fact that nobody believed Klinger when he said Laverne wanted a divorce, although to be fair apparently Klinger had made the claim in the past. Given the impossible timeline of the series, it’s possible the two were only married for a few months. The wedding took place over the phone during “Springtime” in Season 3. It’s unclear how long Klinger was married to Laverne. with a little bit of Hawkeye and Radar thrown in for good measure. For all intents and purposes this was an episode about Klinger and B.J. There’s no real storyline to this episode, just plot points involving every single character, some tied together and most involving mail. This was the third and final episode to have mail call in the title (after “Mail Call” from Season 2 and “Mail Call Again” from Season 4) but by no means was it the last episode to involve character’s receiving letters from home. while Hawkeye gets another man’s love letters. Written by Everett Greenbaum & Jim FritzellĬapsule Summary: Mail call brings bad news to Klinger and worries to B.J. Originally Broadcast: Monday, February 6th, 1978 television program.Every Monday, I spotlight a random episode of M*A*S*H, providing a brief review and asking readers to offer their thoughts. Older viewers might compare him to Sergeant Vincent Carter, a character in the Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

Watch mail call full episodes full#

His demeanor as host was similar to the character "Gunnery Sergeant Hartman" portrayed by Ermey in the Stanley Kubrick film Full Metal Jacket, though this attitude was shown only towards his viewers and not the military special guests. At times, he would also have a bulldog - usually symbolic of Marines, especially drill instructors - on his show as well.Ĭomic relief was provided as Ermey inflicted DI-style verbal abuse on his viewers or tests the effects of various weapons on watermelons and paint cans, as well as occasional appearances of "Mini-Lee", an action figure styled in Ermey's likeness, often seen berating a luckless G.I. When not on location, Ermey broadcast from a set resembling a military outpost, including a tent, a Jeep, and various other pieces of military gear which changed throughout the series. Ermey often took his viewers on location to military training areas to film demonstrations. military now or in the past, as well as by other armed forces in history. Most episodes were 30 minutes, but from 2007 through the show's end in 2009 some episodes were 60 minutes.ĭuring each episode, Ermey read and answered questions submitted by viewers regarding weapons and equipment used by all branches of the U.S. The show debuted on Augas part of the 'Fighting Fridays' lineup. Lee Ermey, a retired United States Marine Corps Staff Sergeant. Mail Call was a television program that appeared on the History Channel and hosted by R.

[mmorgessential]

Junk jack retro strong ladder

I really assumed that lockdowns and stay-at-home-orders early in the spring would be a boon for my podcasting opportunities, but alas it was not. I hope everyone is staying busy and safe during the current craziness. Tasty Fish (Pascal 12" Mix) - The Other Two Give Me Your Hand (Razormaid! Mix) - Red Flagġ5. You Think You Know Her (The Deception Mix) - Cause & Effectġ4. Sea Of Sin (Razormaid! Mix) - Depeche Modeġ1. Blue Monday (Hardfloor Mix) - New Orderġ0. LSI (Love Sex Intelligence) (Beatmasters 12" Mix) - The ShamenĨ. Patience (Razormaid! Mix) - Celebrate The NunĦ. Lots to like in this one and hopefully I'll get to provide some tidbits about some of the songs in the near future. But, I did and it works! So, here we are. Took many months and a bit of luck to get the last piece of my silicon puzzle and then a couple weeks to find enough time to put it all together. I spent a lot of time picking out parts for my new build, but could not find a suitable video card to save my life. Immediately after my last podcast, my 12-year old computer bit the dust. It appears even this 'cast is not immune to supply chain snafus. įinally, another podcast for your listening pleasure. The Things That Dreams Are Made Of - The Human League Planet Earth (Night Mix) - Duran Duranġ4. Behind The Wheel (Shep Pettibone Remix) - Depeche Modeġ3. Brave New World (Razormaid! Mix) - Moskwa TVġ2. American - Soviets (Cameron Paul Mix) - C.C.C.P.ġ0. Who'll Stop The Rain? (Special Dance Mix) - Heaven 17ĩ. Pleasure Boys (Razormaid! Mix) - Visageħ. Relax (New York Mix) - Frankie Goes To HollywoodĦ. A Little Respect (12" Remix UK) - ErasureĤ. Deeper And Deeper (Long Version) - The Fixxģ. I've been really horrible about providing notes about the songs lately, but I'm doing what I can just to get new episodes up, which is really the point when all is said and done. Lots to like in this one with a few ultra-familiar ditties like "Space Age Love Song" by AFOS and "Regret" by New Order, some lesser-known, but great tracks from some brilliant albums like "Too Pieces" by Yaz and "I Dream Myself Alive" by a-ha, and one or two that you may not be familiar with like "Save Our Love" by Escape From N.Y. Greetings, everyone! Back with another retro episode. Space Age Love Song - A Flock Of Seagulls Flexible (Remixed Extended) - Depeche Modeġ5. Pretty Boys And Pretty Girls (Extended Mix) - Book Of Loveġ2. Lose Him (Razormaid! Mix) - I Start Countingġ0. Snappy (The Spice Has Risen Mix) - Erasureĩ. Hang On Now (Extended Mix) - KajagoogooĦ. Save Our Love (Razormaid! Mix) - Escape From N.Y.ģ. Listen Listen again Continue Playing.Ģ.If you haven't seen the video to "Bag Lady", it featured one Imogene Coca, better known as Aunt Edna in National Lampoon's Vacation movie. That makes Ebn-Ozn one of the true pioneers of the sampling culture which was just starting to take hold in the early 80s. Both songs appeared on the group's only full-length album called "Feeling Cavalier", which is notable for being the first album to be recorded entirely on a Fairlight CMI sampling keyboard. Many of you are probably aware of the excellent "AEIOU Sometimes Y", which also appeared on CRC #28, but most of you may not be aware of their tune "Bag Lady", which was a Top 40 Club hit and minor radio hit. The first band I'd like to mention here is the first band in this podcast: Ebn-Ozn. So, I'll celebrate reaching the 50-episode milestone because not only is 50 equal to half a hundred, but it is divisible by lots of other cool numbers. I certainly don't want to be numerically discriminatory or anything like that, but maybe if those other numbers were divisible by something other than themselves and 1 they might get more publicity. Not sure why 50 is any more important than, say, 47 or 5 or 19. Love Will Tear Us Apart - Simple Mindsĥ0 episodes! Kind of a nice accomplishment, if I may say so. No Gift Refused (Extended Version) - Until Decemberġ5. Disenchanted (12" Version) - Communardsġ4. Blue Savannah (Razormaid! Mix) - Erasureġ3. No Stars (Unreleased Original Remix) - Figures On A Beachġ2. Let's Go To Bed (Extended Version) - The Cureġ0. Music That You Can Dance To (Razormaid! Mix) - Sparksĩ. (Set Me Free) Remotivate Me (Release Mix) - Depeche Modeĥ. Sub-culture (Razormaid! Mix) - New OrderĤ. Electric Barbarella (Tee's Club Mix) - Duran Duranģ.

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

jester began falling in love with caleb in episode 103.

not any earlier in my opinion, and not later, either.

there's two elements to why i believe e103 is the turning point.

(1) the first is caleb's actions and jester's responses to them during the night they all sleep by the waterfall—his support of her idea to sleep underwater, his conversation with her after her commune with artagan, and his casting of programmed illusion in the dome.

(2) the second is the way her behavior toward caleb pivots around e103. before e103 is a noticeably different beast to how she begins to treat him after e103—the attention she pays him, her efforts to hold more standout interactions with him, and a dramatic swell of emotion and thematic meaning in these scenes’ respective subtext.

the rumblecusp arc is the point in which jester’s character growth, and caleb’s efforts to unconditionally support her, really begin to shine. throughout the complex growing pains that jester and artagan's relationship was experiencing, the one person who truly takes a moment to offer her support without any agenda or judgment is caleb.

(e103, 1:22:55, bold mine)

CALEB: You okay over there?

JESTER: (tearful) Yeah, I'm fine. Just—I'm just drawing.

CALEB: Maybe didn't go as well as you were hoping?

JESTER: Um... In some ways it went better. But no.

CALEB: I can't speak for him. But you do have us.

JESTER: I know.

CALEB: So whatever you land on, Jester, we'll make it happen.

JESTER: (shaky laugh) I have to figure out what I want to land on.

CALEB: That is the, uh—sticky wicket, isn't it?

JESTER: Yeah. Everything's confusing.

CALEB: Maybe... Maybe we sleep on it, it'll make more sense in the morning.

JESTER: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Caleb.

CALEB: I didn't do anything.

jester confesses that her commune with artagan didn’t provide the answers she was hoping for—that he knew about the curse on the island—and caleb doesn’t remark on what that seems like. he deliberately avoids speculating on why artagan is doing these things because “he can’t speak for him.” he doesn’t assume anything about what she might choose to do and explicitly leaves that choice up to her. jester vents briefly about how difficult the choice is, and caleb offers her reassurance, a reminder that some time will make things clearer. he doesn’t suggest solutions.

unlike fjord or beau, caleb doesn’t ask her to voice outright whether artagan is being a good friend. he doesn’t continually question his character and imply any personal opinions to her or what he thinks she should do. instead, he asks whether she’s okay. he listens. and he offers unconditional support.

this is consistently the stance caleb takes in the rumblecusp arc. and it’s not discussed much, i think, exactly how monumental that was to jester.

(hold on, this is a long one.)

jester is a young woman who grew up sheltered and wants to define herself outside of that shelter. for her, this campaign has essentially been a coming-of-age journey (talks for e76-77, 14:12). she is deeply sensitive to whether or not she’s respected because she’s aware of how her personality and general lack of experience makes others think she’s naive, immature, or incapable (talks for e79, 31:51).

it’s also incredibly evident that her relationship with artagan is unique. in e105 (1:15:01), jester tells the m9, “he really got me through a lot when i was younger, you know? and he was all i had, really.” he was her best friend from childhood in a home where she spent most of her time hidden in a single room. when she was younger, the few times she left the chateau, she was bullied by other girls (e110, 3:34:59). her best friend, though? her best friend was a god. a god with an incredible sense of humor, an aggrandizing attitude, and adoring respect for a young girl in a difficult situation who had as wonderful a personality as him. in every way that matters, artagan’s friendship undoubtedly saved jester’s life.

and she is so, so aware of this. she cares for him deeply, trusts him unconditionally, and is determined to be there for the one person who had been there for her when no one else was, not even her mother.

the renegotiation of this friendship after artagan revealed his full identity was clearly extraordinarily difficult for jester. she was having to reevaluate her entire relationship with the being that pulled her through a childhood of isolation and misery, question his intentions with her and whether they could even remain friends at all. and this was amidst her arrival at a dangerous island with her other friends to help him clean up his mistakes.

asking her to make a judgment on artagan before she’s ready to do it on her own, while managing some high expectations at the same time—not only is it a lot of pressure, it’s frustrating and painful. jester did not want to judge artagan without giving him his fair due and a proper conversation. knowing that her new friends dislike her old friend, besides being hurt by it, distracted her. she had to both defend him outwardly and interrogate him internally. and if she tried to explain how important artagan is to her, a lot of vulnerability would’ve been necessary when she was trying to be a leader and seem competent and capable, instead of a child who needs patronizing guidance.

this latter point is exceptional. because jester lavorre is so vulnerable when it comes to how much she thinks her loved ones respect her and consider her a valuable, equal, and trustworthy individual. and it’s difficult to feel like you’re being valued and trusted when people are repeatedly questioning you about a person and a relationship that they don’t understand in a way that, despite genuine concern, comes across as them doubting your own judgment of one of the most intimate parts of your life.

in this precise moment in e103, caleb is the only person who acknowledges—to her in person, even—that he doesn't have any place in judging her relationship with artagan. that it’s not what she needs from him or anyone else. that he’s content waiting for her to reach a decision. that he will respect that decision.

and jester can believe him. caleb’s done nothing but remain consistent on this stance. he repeatedly supports her choices to run travelercon, trust artagan, and come to his aid.

when other party members question artagan's legitimacy, caleb is the one who almost always speaks up to support jester (some examples: e61, 30:43 / e77, 49:17 / e95, 1:09:17 and 1:15:24).

he actively and enthusiastically offers his magical talents to her to provide for the event preparations. he has a whole conversation with her in e91 (beginning 1:53:41) where he expresses his immense respect for her and her personality, explicitly validates her faith in artagan, and shows her a tangible example of how he wants to help her during the upcoming travelercon. when she suggests some ideas, despite their arguable silliness, caleb takes them at face value and openly admits his lack of expertise in this area (e91, 1:58:35).

when they first arrive at rumblecusp, he directly reassures jester about the ‘travelercon 3000’ banner she leaves on the wrong beach by mentioning that he can make her a new banner (e101, 48:18). once preparations begin in earnest, caleb expends spells very freely, including ones of higher-level, to produce whatever jester requests.

in e103, he hears out her idea of sleeping underwater and gives it equal consideration in spite of other party members trying to shoot it down. the first time she suggests it (36:23), caduceus comments against it and no other party member acknowledges her except for caleb, who agrees with her quietly while the others move on. the second time jester suggests it (46:08), veth comments against it and caleb steps in to openly agree that it’s a good idea, even after fjord and beau join veth in being dubious.

compare these active, consistent moments of support and validation from caleb to similarly active and consistent examples of the other attitudes that manifest during the rumblecusp arc, in contradiction to people’s apparent claims of trust (one such claim of trust: e95, 1:00:21).

plainly insulting artagan to jester as if it’s a given, such as fjord’s “he’s generally full of shit, right?” (e107, 49:42);

fjord, beau, and caduceus’s conversation about “not ruining jester’s big day,” yet distrusting artagan to the extent of planning to keep her from being alone with him, preparing to attack him should he try to sacrifice 200 people for some speculated unknown ritual and/or hurt jester, and discussing all of this behind jester’s back (e108, beginning 15:41);

caduceus’s said shift to distrust of artagan because of a semi-disturbing conversation that jester was equally a part of (e107, beginning 20:40);

and the discussion right before jester’s commune with artagan where beau questions if artagan sent them to rumblecusp knowing of the memory problems, without regard for their well-being (e103, 29:40).

the unfortunate assumption being made by these party members’ repeated questioning and protectiveness of jester is that she cannot be trusted to have good judgment. despite their familiarity with some of the context of her relationship with artagan (especially after e105), they disregard her repeatedly-expressed support of him. they indirectly disrespect her ability to judge for herself whether someone is dangerous to her or her friends. they don’t acknowledge jester’s own role in creating dubious situations and instead direct all their negative feelings and sense of fault to artagan, minimizing her agency.

the e108 conversation is a dense microcosm of how the party perpetrates these assumptions throughout the rumblecusp arc as a whole. without qualm, they discuss deliberately controlling jester’s time with artagan to ‘protect’ her and their willingness to kill the evil image they’ve constructed of him, and dodge jester directly asking them what they’re talking about—even though it is a known given that the m9 would defend her with their lives with or without any prior discussion. the purpose of holding this conversation isn’t to make sure that jester is safe. like caduceus near-explicitly says, it’s to “feel better knowing” that “anybody else was on board with this” (20:26 and 18:57)—to validate their unacknowledged distrust of jester’s judgment with each other, behind her back.

and as laura has said: jester, with her very high wisdom, tends to know what’s going on even if she acts like she doesn’t (talks for e79, 32:39).

in e103, when jester is crying because she’s found out that artagan did know about the island’s memory problems, caleb doesn’t show any sign of taking this as proof of artagan's ill intent. what he does instead: he offers compassion for her pain with zero judgment. he promises to support her, no matter what she ultimately decides to make of this information. these are offers of safety and trust, ones that jester desperately needed.

then—caleb creates a programmed illusion of the m9’s lives. and it’s beautiful.

in comparison to all the analysis prior, this moment is straightforward. jester is an artist. she paints, draws, and creates, and she loves doing it. moreover, she loves making art for other people. though she doesn’t get many chances to do so, the mural of a flowery meadow that she paints for yasha’s room in the xhorhaus is a perfect example. similarly, she enjoys the art she makes when defacing other people’s property—altered signage or statue of the platinum dragon painted in rainbow—in part because they’re gifts to the traveler. she loves making those she loves happy.

happiness and love to jester is overwhelmingly about emotional intimacy. i’ve talked about this to some degree in a previous post about jester’s jealousy. please refer there for in-depth explanation. in brief, though, she puts value on how deeply she knows a person; how often she’s been able to be there for them. this is the love she learned from her mother and from artagan, and how she continues to love once she’s older.

caleb’s arcane rendition of the m9′s lives floating around the inside of the dome is a display of exactly this kind of love. not only is it art crafted from his magic and imagination and love—it’s blatant evidence of how much he cares for every member of the party and where they’ve come from. he remembers their stories and hangs them in the air in hopes that it’ll help them resist the memory erasing. he moves the memory of yasha and zuala in a meadow over to yasha’s pillow-side so she can watch it until she falls asleep. he creates a memory for vilya of her, her husband, and her daughter, listening to and respecting the emotional gravity of what she’s confiding in them.

only a few minutes after jester’s disappointing commune with artagan and her conversation with caleb, she walks into the dome and sees this art. she laughs and stares in wonder at all the memories (e103, 1:46:08). when beau points out the humorous memories of fjord being attacked by turtles so they can all laugh, she tells caleb with equal awe and joy, “wow. this is amazing, caleb” (e103, 1:47:04).

...of course, as lovely and meaningful as these back-to-back moments were for jester, it's not quite evidence of her starting to fall in love with caleb around this time.

that’s where the following episodes come in.

[id: three screenshots of messages sent in a discord channel by the user “prim” (the op). all are timestamped to friday, august 28, 2020, the day after the live premiere of e107. the first has an additional timestamp of 12:53 PM, the second 1:03 PM, and the third 1:30 PM. they read:

honest to god though i don't know if it's just the shipper brain that is making me think laura is trying to roleplay jester beginning to reciprocate caleb's feelings [...]

like........ the golden dick hunt teasing is definitely on par with jester's past shenanigans, but the compliments have been Catching My Attention bc it's honestly not normal for jester to compliment caleb of her own volition like that, just as a one-on-one "i appreciate you" reassurance

and i'm thinking less about the spells from last night's episode (although how much jester was emphasizing the compliments made me go "awwwww") and more of the moments like jester telling caleb "that was impressive" after getting cad out of the tunnel with beau's help

but laura is absolutely a shipping troll with jester this campaign so i'm here like "I'M MAYBE 80% SURE I'M BEING FUCKED WITH BUT IT MAYBE HOLDS UP????" [...]

basically laura keeps doing things that make the alarm in my brain go off and i don't know if i'm picking up something legit or if i'm projecting my hopes, like the recent pattern of compliments from jester LOL

/end id.]

i’m not going to lie, if i try to list every single receipt like i otherwise prefer to do in these metas, i think we (and especially i) would all lose our minds. so while i’m about to provide a lot of citations, they genuinely are just a few possible examples that will mostly be within the dozen episodes after e103.

the more important detail that can be observed from this is that e103 is a turning point.

prior to e103, jester does not particularly go out of her way to interact with caleb. by and large, most of their direct interactions are either initiated by caleb or prompted by the context of a general party conversation. the majority of other moments that could be referred to as ‘widojest’ are of caleb’s evident feelings. beyond early campaign days, jester rarely teases caleb about sexual topics while insinuating things about her own sexual life at the same time.

after e103, laura and jester begin to go out of their way to interact with and intertwine jester’s time with caleb.

the rate of jester’s compliments and enthusiastic gratitude to caleb skyrocket (some examples: e104, 30:36 / e107, 16:49 and 1:11:28 and 1:12:15 and 3:10:39 / e110, 15:58 and 3:37:24 / e111, 36:15 and 38:41 and 50:58);

several mature jokes/flirtations she makes involve both caleb and herself (examples: e107, 1:16:17 / e110, 1:18:07 / e115, 1:52:53);

she deliberately and specifically engages caleb in full-blown interactions, such as the conversations during the tour of her childhood bedroom (e110, beginning 1:11:38), hanging out with him on the icebreaker ship (e112, beginning 3:45:29), and the reading of der katzenprinz (e115, beginning 1:52:43);

as well as the expansion of more extended ‘conversations’ like their motif of dancing (e108, 13:39 / e109, 2:54:14), their parental relationships (e110, 20:44 and 3:38:41 / e115′s der katzenprinz / e121, beginning 1:52:12), and polymorph shenanigans (examples: e107, beginning 2:58:41 / e117, beginning 1:13:55 / e118, 43:57).

thrown in are additional background details that further tie jester to caleb, such as her determination to recover caleb’s amulet after their defeat of vokodo (e106, 25:33), the knowing comments on his purchasing of paper (e109, 22:32 / e111, 1:25:49), her deliberate choice to ride whaleb during the avantika chase (e113, 2:32:28), her retrieval of caleb’s coat when he’s attempting to remove the necromantic emerald (e115, 1:30:56), and her deliberate reference to der katzenprinz to iver (e120, 3:05:14);

and simply everything about the tower. it’s another example of the art and creativity caleb produces with his magic to make his loved ones happy, which jester acknowledges at least twice (refer to the e111 compliments). contrarily, jester also makes note of the signs that this tower shows less love to caleb than she thinks he deserves, in keeping with her value of emotional intimacy (e115’s der katzenprinz / e122’s floor 8, room 1).

the reading of der katzenprinz in e115 is arguably the pinnacle of these examples. it’s intentionally initiated by jester. she both takes the step to visit caleb's room and indirectly requests him to read the story to her. laura’s implication that she remembered this subplot because of beau’s reading of a very romantic letter from yasha is particularly suggestive. the story itself incorporates many similar characters and themes that are present in jester’s backstory: the lonely, sheltered boy and his single working mom as jester and marion; the dubious cat prince who ultimately gives the boy freedom and confidence as artagan; and the deep love between the boy and his mother because of how they only have each other, which compels a powerful being to have compassion and thus set the boy free so that they can be together. very similar to both jester’s depth of relationship with her mother and her pleas on artagan’s behalf to the moonweaver’s celestial servant.

and the post-story conversation—caleb’s confiding of its importance to him because of his mother. jester’s open willingness to compare the cat prince to artagan, knowing that caleb respects their friendship and has treated artagan fairly. jester’s lingering, repeated looks toward caleb while smiling and holding her copy of der katzenprinz to her heart.

with all this dramatic expansion of the emotional and thematic intimacy between jester and caleb beginning to roll down the hill after e103—in brilliant contrast to their more muted, less reciprocal dynamic before this episode—e103 is more than likely the turning point of jester’s feelings. and based on the events and context, it was caused by the combined emotional appeal of caleb’s offer of unconditional support and his display of love for his family in the programmed illusion of memories.

[pekotranslates]

Traces of Two Pasts: Episode Tifa - pgs 40-52

Disclaimer: Also, I started this for fun so that my friends who don't have access can read it. I'm just another fan like you. With that said, I do try to be as faithful to the original source material as possible, and for those of you who can read Japanese, please support the author by buying his book.

Not everyone agreed with Chief Zonder's decision. The elderly—a major force in the village—began to make noise. They seemed to take a liking to Zangan's longevity exercises, and regretted not being able to memorize what was taught to them. They wanted someone to check if their poses were correct, and wished to learn the remaining exercises he was supposed to have taught them.

The village chief paid a visit at dinnertime.

"Hey, Tifa..." he said with a sullen expression. "Will you teach the old folks how to do Zangan's exercises properly?"

"Why Tifa?" her father asked. She just knew he would ask.

"Because Zangan named her. Told me that if we ever needed someone to mentor us, Tifa would be qualified. Said that she had the most controlled form* out of everyone who gathered there that day.

Kata, which means “form” in Japanese, is the term used to describe specific sequences of motion that are used to practice technique and execution in martial arts

It pleased her knowing that someone spoke of her like that when not in her presence, but it also caused her to be slightly embarrassed.

"Zonder, don't get my family involved."

"Aw, c'mon! I'm already in big trouble as it is. The old folks just won't let it go!"

"Hmph!" Brian Lockhart snorted. He enjoyed seeing the village chief squirm. She couldn't tell whether or not they actually got along with each other.

"Tifa, what do you think?"

"I'd just be teaching the elderly people those exercises, right? If that's all there is, then I'd like to try."

"Tifa..." her father began, but he swallowed back his complaint. He knew that it wasn't good for her to have too much time on her hands. "Well, if you're gonna do it, then do it right."

While preparing breakfast, Tifa heard a knock at the door, and opened to a woman’s face she barely recognized. It was an elderly woman called "Mon Amie" who was an aunt of sorts to Chief Zonder. Her hair was pulled back into a bun so tight that it looked like her eyes were being pulled straight up!

"Good morning to you. It's been a long time, Tifa. I heard that Zonder told you all about it. How about 2 gil per hour?"

"Sorry?" She had not heard about any renumeration.

"Well, you are thirteen now. Not a little girl anymore, so that doesn't cut it for you, eh? Alright then, how about 4 gil?"

"No, I don't want any money."

"That won't do. We are taking this very seriously, and you will be properly paid for your work."

No matter how much Zangan trusted her, would she really be up to the task? But, being able to earn her own money sounded very appealing, as if a whole new world had opened up to her.

Mon Amie took Tifa's silence as her wanting to bargain for higher wages.

"6 gil."

"Alright. 6 gil it is then."

"Brian never did leave the village. He wanted to keep Thea all to himself." Mon Amie suddenly brought up her parents during their exercise routine at the public square.

"Really?" said Tifa, adjusting Mon Amie's arm posture. She needed to get her to straighten her back and push out her chest a bit more for the desired result.

"She was quite the popular one, that child."

It wasn’t very pleasant hearing her mother being called "that child", yet Tifa encouraged her. Listening to the elderly tell old stories was a part of her job. The responsibility she felt from receiving wages tempered her patience.

"You should leave the village," said Mon Amie suddenly. "Doesn't it sound like fun going around to different places with Master Zangan?"

"It sure does."

"Alright, you don't have to play along with me. No need for you to learn things like that. Just think about it carefully, okay? Something needs to change for women here in Nibelheim."

Tifa silently nodded as she propped up Mon Amie's arm.

"There weren't any women around in my day who held this kind of thinking. But that Strife girl”—she was speaking of Cloud's mother—"tried to leave. Not sure if it's because she hated it here, or if she dreamed of going to the big city."

Mon Amie abruptly altered her pose, ruining her base form.

"To the traditional Nibelheim women, she seemed pretty unconventional. We all refused to accept her ways, but secretly felt the same. Even though we scolded her, deep down inside we were cheering her on. We even felt jealous of her for carving out her own path. Perhaps she changed something in us, little by little.”

Tifa lifted up Mon Amie's knee. "Up high like this. Thank you."

She supported Mon Amie as the woman’s body rocked back and forth.

"But Claudia remained in the village, didn't she?" said Tifa.

"Well, that’s because she fell in love. You see, a man traveled here. Claudia was helping out at the inn at the time. She must have been taken in by the outside air he brought with him. And he was a pretty fellow. I’m sure you see it when you look at Cloud. That boy got the best of both his parents!”

“Right…”

“But, just like the wind, he just couldn’t keep still. Not sure if Cloud learned how to walk yet, but around that time he told her he would go to the mountains, but never came back. They found his belongings though. His body probably got eaten by monsters. You were lucky you didn’t meet the same fate.”

Tifa braced herself. Was she going to bring up that incident?

“Cloud egging you on to climb Mt. Nibel… Maybe that was in his blood.”

Mon Amie’s body began to sway. Tifa had stopped holding onto her causing her to lose her balance. She couldn’t regain her footing in time, and fell flat down on her backside.

“Alright then," said Tifa. "Now let’s use the opposite leg. Please lift up your knee.”

Tifa held out a helping hand to her, but Mon Amie refused and got up on her own.

“Quite strict for a pretty face.”

“That’s because I get paid 6 gil to be.”

Before long, she became more attentive. She noticed Mon Amie lifting up her other knee, but it was at the wrong height again. While Tifa helped her to adjust, Mon Amie said, “You really don’t remember anything? You know, about that accident you got into?”

She was eight years old when she got into that accident on Mt. Nibel. Cloud was with her. The villagers chose to believe the story based on Emilio and the others’ testimonies, and nothing else could be said about it. Tifa really couldn't remember what happened.

"No, unfortunately not..."

Whether the elderly came to her for exercising or just to chat, it was tougher than she had imagined. Her father laughed at her and said he wouldn't have anything to do with them, even for 100 gil.

They never listened and were set in their ways, even the ones who kept away and smiled modestly at her. They just had a different view on things, and sulked if nobody paid them attention.

The topics they discussed also surprised Tifa, and sometimes hurt her too. She disliked whenever they brought up how her body looked so grown. There would be someone who sensed her discomfort or resentment, and would try to change the subject, but then it would turn into whom she should be with and things of that nature.

So, all things considered, Tifa preferred hearing them going on about herself rather than her father’s failed romances, or whom her mother used to hang out with before she got married to him. To the elderly townsfolk, her father and others his age were still “the village youth”.

After her day finished and she was about to go to sleep, she thought to herself that maybe there would be a time when she would be the one telling someone else about what happened today, or about some news she heard from another person. Telling the same stories over and over again, everyday just like the next, until she, herself, became just a relic of an era in village history.

※

“They confused me at first, but I got used to being around them, and then it wasn’t so bad anymore. That feeling of wanting someone to talk to—Everyone has that,” explained Tifa.

“So that’s where you learned to entertain guests? From spending your time talking to old folks?” asked Barret.

“Possibly. Maybe that did me good. More and more of the elderly signed up, and they started calling their morning gatherings the ‘Calisthenics Club’.”

“It’s like that at Seventh Heaven too,” said Barret with some intensity.

Aerith urged him to talk.

“It used to be just a small shop owned by this one gramps, but when Tifa started working there, the business picked up. Men crowded the place. Know what I mean, Red?”

“What I’m more interested in is what happened to Zangan afterward? I can sort of imagine based on your fighting style, Tifa...” said Red XIII.

“You’re right. There was a little more that happened before I got to where I'm at.”

※

A month passed after the start of the Calisthenics Club. All morning Tifa would teach the exercises and set aside time for her reading and arithmetic. The afternoon she'd go to the mountains and work hard towards building up her strength and stamina, and then would return home before sunset so her father wouldn’t worry. At night she would examine Zangan's writings and practice her form, reviewing the materials over and over again so as to not overlook anything.

One day, she received a letter from Emilio. He wrote about the fast-paced lifestyle in the big city, and told her about everything he found perplexing: arguments he had had with people, things he ate, the social inequality, and their differences in moral values.

“But whenever I get discouraged, it’s you I think about, Tifa, and then I imagine that day when I’ll come and get you. I'll write to you sometimes and teach you about the city, so you won't be so confused when that time comes.”

Who do you think you are? That's how she honestly felt reading the letter.

Zangan appeared, acting as if nothing had happened. He knocked on the door just in time to greet her father and asked for his permission to call Tifa out, and then led her to the river where they first met.

“Master Zangan, please let me be your student. I want to be stronger.”

“That’s exactly the answer I was looking for, but what’s the matter, Tifa? I sense your impatience. Why are you in such a hurry?”

“That’s not it!” she replied, but felt self-conscious. “No… It’s because I got that letter from my friend.”

“What kind of letter?”

“I think it’s because I don’t want to lose. I don’t want to lose to anyone who left the village.”

“Hmm. My hand-to-hand combat techniques are not meant to be used to make you feel superior to others.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t. But the answer to that can only be found through diligent study. All right. I will acknowledge you if you pass my test.”

“Test?”

“Show me everything you’ve learned from Volume 1. You’ve been practicing, haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

Tifa performed a sequence of forms from the physical training method.

“One more time, from the beginning.”

“Okay.”

This time Zangan interrupted with instructions.

"Check the book to see the direction your palms should be facing."

Tifa crouched down over the book and flipped through the pages. The form was wrong from the very start. Should have been above not below.

“I was wrong.”

“Try again.”

When she extended both hands and slightly shifted the direction of her palms, she felt a different set of muscles tingling.

“Everything from the Book of Secrets must be obeyed. Don’t try to interpret it another way or decide that your way is better. While disciplining your body, you must learn to be faithful to your decisions. If I take you in as my student, you will become stronger. So, you must cultivate your mind to control that power. The greater and stronger the power to handle, the greater the responsibility of its owner. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

The second time around, Zangan pointed out any minor mistakes she made. Each time she would have to go back and confirm with the Book of Secrets before advancing, which made things take twice as long. Fatigue built up in her arms and legs.

“Alright, now relax and close your eyes. Focus your attention and check the condition of your body. Does it hurt anywhere?”

“My upper back… I wouldn’t say it hurts but it feels like it’s burning...”

She slipped her right hand underneath her left armpit until it touched the lower part of her shoulder blade. Digging her fingers into it felt good.

“Hmph!” Zangan gave a satisfying nod. “That’s your shoulder blade. What you’re pressing into is the trapezius muscle. Surrounding it is your deltoid, infraspinatus, psoas minor and other muscles. The second volume will teach you how to train each one of those muscles on your back,” he said, while holding out a booklet to her. It was Volume 2.

“If you want to live your life with pride then pay close attention to your back. Squeeze your shoulder blades together, chest out. Walking through life with a beautiful posture is also part of your training.”

“Got it.”

“Let’s get started. Well then, onto Volume 2, No. 2-1-1, scapular push-ups.”

Zangan immediately prostrated himself on the ground, and lowered his chest. Tifa hastened to follow his example.

“All you're doing is supporting your whole body with your arms. Concentrate on your shoulder blades. Rotate them outwards—protract, retract, protract.”

It was her first time experiencing those movements. How was she supposed to move to protract her shoulder blades? She couldn’t picture it in her mind. Glancing over at Zangan she noticed he was rotating his shoulders outward, something her cat, Maru, often did.

“You look like a cat,” she said.

“Right. There’s a lot we can learn from cats.”

She focused her attention on her scapula, going up and down, until the repetition of movements were drilled into her body. Zangan rose and watched over Tifa for some time before clearing his throat.

“Good!”

The movements were subtle but still made her perspire.

“That’s because the muscles across your back are wider. Moving them increases the blood flow and raises your temperature, so that’s why you’re working up a sweat.”

After completing Volume 2, Tifa was sweating profusely. She felt unthinkable pain throughout her whole back.

“Alright, any questions? If you do, now’s your chance.”

She wanted to say, yes, but nothing came to mind at the moment.

“If not, then we’ll move onto Volume 3.”

“Huh?” she couldn’t help but shout. Her whole body was screaming in pain. Zangan ignored her and continued.

“Volume 3 is for chest and abs. We’re going to train your front body. The pectoralis major muscle is roughly divided into three parts: upper, middle and lower. There are several different ways to effectively train it, but I’ll teach you the basic concepts.”

“Alright…”

“At your age, your overall motor skills are complete, and in that regard, you excel. You haven’t had any special training, have you? If so, then you must have been born with this. Treasure it.”

“I will.”

She felt energy pour into her body. Perhaps listening to Zangan talk with a relaxed mind helped her to recover from fatigue.

“After a while, we’ll concentrate on building your muscles. But you will not be using any equipment except your body. We won’t be using barbells or dumbbells until you’re much older. Besides, our Zangan-ryu hardly finds them necessary. That is because I prescribe individual fighting styles that suit each of my students. You don’t need arms built like logs or a bulky chest. What you need is to build up a fighting style that will utilize those reflexes, that body, and your speed. Well, what do you want to do? Shall we call it a day?”

“No. Please go on.”

She didn’t want to disappoint the first person who had managed to earn her respect.

“Yes, that’s the spirit! Alright. But we’ll stop here for today. Let’s call this current level of fatigue your limit. Keep it in mind. You have a long way before you can try to challenge that limit to surpass it. Continuity is more important now than ever.”

On their way back, a realization came over Tifa regarding Zangan’s test. It didn't annoy her. If her father tried to make her work like that she’d probably stop talking to him for three days in a row. With those thoughts in mind, she walked her teacher back to the inn.

“Say hello to your father for me.”

As she stood in front of her house she could smell the scent of spices in the air. Spices that her mother liked to use in her best recipe. It was her father’s favorite dish, but since Tifa didn’t really like it, it was hardly ever served at the dining table.

She opened the door and said, “I’m home.”

“Welcome back.” Her father, dressed in an apron, peeked out at her from the kitchen.

“This smell… Huh? Is it mom’s?”

“I was really craving it... Oh, but I made something else for you.”

She was filled with remorse. She didn’t like the way he looked or the tone of voice he used when trying to gauge her mood, but it was all her fault for making it that way.

Novel by Kazushige Nojima

Translated by pekotranslates

Proofread by Eerie

[angelswatchingover]

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how, if Supernatural wanted a nostalgic call back in their series finale, instead of wiping out everything the boys had ever learned, they should have called back to what is generally considered the best episode of the entire series, Swan Song. And a brilliant way to do that would have been to have Jack be the narrator, paralleling Chuck in Swan Song. Ugh! I can just imagine it...

Jack’s voice over flashbacks montage-style: On May 15th 2008, Dean Winchester was dragged to hell after making a deal to save his brother’s life. On that day thousands of angels, the most powerful weapons in the universe, converged on hell all with a singular mission: to save the Righteous Man. Most didn’t know that the true nature of their quest was to start the Apocalypse that would change the world. Most didn’t make it out alive… For 40 years they fought, battling hoards of demons and even their Fallen brethren in the unfathomable depths of hell’s expanse. None of the angels knew which one of them would find and raise the man from the pit since this was a chapter that Chuck hadn’t thought to write carefully. By chance or fate or purely the passion of his will, the angel Castiel was the first to find Dean Winchester. By all accounts, he shouldn’t have been a special angel, just a grunt in a vast celestial army. But the moment he gripped Dean and raised him from perdition became the most important moment in the history of the universe. In that moment everything changed. That’s where this part of the story began. And here’s where it ends.

The episode continues on with Sam and Dean living post-Chuck life but Dean is still passing out drunk in mourning and struggling with the loss of Cas. Sam still does laundry and Dean still cuddles Miracle but it’s Sam who finds the Pie Festival in hopes of getting Dean out of his funk. At the festival, we get an emotional moment between Sam and Dean. Dean tells Sam that he can’t shake the guilt and they need to get Cas back. They decide that family doesn’t end with blood and they’ve got to do what they can to save him. Maybe Book of the Damned, maybe Rowena, maybe Jack. Who knows? You get the idea... they research.

Next Jack narration: Castiel, of course, was never supposed to be exceptional. Angels weren’t created with free will and he was no different, but there was always something special about him. He was the angel with the crack in his chassis but from that crack sprung a miracle… an angel who would chose free will and chose love.

Back to Sam and Dean. They prepare to save Cas. Dean prays to Jack who of course, is on board to help save his father. It was great to see Bobby in the finale and hear about heaven’s changes so maybe the spell requires a soul from heaven or something. Jack brings Bobby and he reveals that Jack is fixing heaven and that Bobby is now with Karen and he sees Mary and Ellen and Rufus and they are all happy. They plan the spell to save Cas. Also, Sam and Dean have a heart to heart about what’s next. They both want to keep saving people and hunting things, but maybe do it smarter and also have a life.

Another break to Jack narration: What does it mean for an angel to love? For Castiel, it meant questioning his faith and finding it again in his new family. It wasn’t always an easy journey, but he had two good teachers in the Winchesters. Sam taught him to always keep fighting, no matter the circumstances. And Dean taught him how to love with his whole heart and to be willing to do anything for that love. And sometimes, it was just to love life itself, in all of it’s simple pleasures. The flavors of a PB&J sandwich, movie marathons in the Dean cave, listening to Dean’s top 13 Zepp traxx, and late at night when its quiet in the bunker, deep talks with Dean over a glass of good whiskey. Love, it turns out, would be worth it all.

Back to our story – The ritual goes south, of course, and they get caught by the Empty. It isn’t going to let Castiel go and it’s going to kill Dean, but Cas rips out his grace so that he’s not an angel any more and the Empty has no claim on him. He and Dean are expelled back to Earth to hugs from Sam and Jack. Cas seems sad and worried about being a human, but Dean tells him he’s got a home with the Winchesters and tells Cas how much he is valued, not for his angel powers, but just for who he is (paralleling what Cas had told Jack). This eventually leads to an awkward ‘me to’ or ‘I love you too’ and a kiss.

Begin ending montage of Sam, Eileen, Dean, and Cas living life: on hunts, at the beach – toes in the sand, pregnant Eileen, a kid or two at what looks like a family picnic with our main four and the Wayward ladies and Garth etc., driving down a back road in the Impala, injuries and fights, in the bunker on the phone with hunters, aging together, you get the idea… a balanced life.  

Final cut to Jack narration: So, was it all worth it? The pain and the struggle and the losses? I think it was. Because at the end of the day what’s all of this about? It’s about the life we choose and the bonds that we make along the way. It’s about learning to love someone else and learning to love yourself. And above all, it’s about knowing that we fight for each other because we aren’t in this alone.

Fade to black.

One of the things I loved about Swan Song was that narration. It gave the whole episode a feeling of gravitas that 15x20 severely lacked. If Jack had narrated this as the new God the way Chuck had, it could have hit on SPN’s most important themes: love, always keep fighting, you are not alone, family don’t end with blood. Instead what we got was a hollow callback to times before all of those lessons learned and growth. Excuse me while I got punch a wall.

[celiastjms]

Okay, here it goes. Episode Four of Scenes from a Marriage and it’s been less than 24hrs and I have rewatched the episode what, five times? Some scenes I’ve rewatched more than that :’) and I just??? That fucking show, these fucking characters??? Spoilers ahead, behold! — and this is long, I apologize in advance!!!!

One of the two major takeaways from the episode is that they are BOTH so incredibly awful to and for each other, and that they bring out the FUCKING WORST in each other. The sadest part is that they cannot be with but also not without one another even if it means hurting each other. And — and this is absolutely fucking tragic, the other major takeaway is that they STILL haven’t learned to communicate with each other. It’s been ( roughly ) FOUR FUCKING YEARS!!! ( In the first episode Mira is not yet 40, so she’s still 39 and now she is 43 and a half so give or take four years have passed since the first episode ) And yet all they kept constantly doing throught the episode was to ACCUSE the OTHER of not listening and not being able to communicate. Like they BOTH are aware of the issue but neither attempts to work through it??

Wow, just wow.

Those two are just, I don’t even have the words???

Like, where the fuck do I even start???

Mira already dragged her feet about the divorce in Episode Three, she wasn’t willing and ready then and maybe she hadn’t noticed the why yet but she wasn’t ready for a divorce then and she sure as hell isn’t ready now, even if she struggles to admit that out loud once prompted by Jonathan.

Again, Jonathan’s calculating and cold side jumped out. Like the scene, with them on the couch?? With Mira asking if he would be able to marry her again and then getting all quiet after her “ We’re fucked ”, like Jonathan KNEW that she still wanted him, he knew that when he invited her into his arms and she happily curled against him and he knew that when he started touching her. He was the initiator and he went quite aggressive about it ( which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, pretty sure it came as a welcome surprise to Mira though ), he knew she wanted him and he very much wanted her.

Mira asking him to stay after, to not immediately go, showing herself vulnerable and at the same time content in his arms, man that was a glimpse into their sex-life during their marriage ( that gets expanded later on but more on that in a second ). She knew he’d rush to get up, NOT because he regrets what they did but because he feels the need to clean himself — now I don’t know if this is rooted in his religious upbringing and something he simply cannot shake or if it’s something else but either way it must be a fucking awful feeling to have your partner rush to clean himself after you just had sex. No doubt humiliating too in a way, so no wonder she asked him to stay and I wonder how often she had done that before, you know to have that kind of soft intimacy?

Their marriage was broken in so many ways & aspects. I know we only got to see the tip of the iceberg but holy fuck.

Mira telling him she got fired, or, asked to resign and going back to explain that it was bound to happen after she didn’t take the promotion and Jonathan getting defensive IMMEDIATELY, to the point where she HAS TO tell him she isn’t blaming him and that this isn’t what it is about is such a perfect example of them STILL not having learned to communicate with each other. I have no fucking clue how they got through the settlement conversations if all they do is either hear what they want to hear or only hear half of what the other says and then interprete it in a completely different direction because they didn’t listen to the rest. Like, it has been ( give or take ) FOUR FUCKING YEARS and they still haven’t learned to communicate.

No wonder they never fucking sorted through any issue they had prior to Mira cheating on him and leaving him since they just don’t know how to fucking communicate.

Okay back to Mira telling Jonathan she has lost her job. It fucking sucks. I can see where she is coming from, she gave them their all, she put her marriage on the line, the relationship with her daughter and how did they thank her for it? By asking her to resign when she no longer gave them their all but took time to work on her relationships and spend time with her daughter.

It’s a bit of a tragedy, that she wanted it all and for a split second she had it, only for her to lose it all in the end. Losing her job drives the point home that she has officially lost everything. I mean, sure, Mira escaped from her marriage into her career, because in her career she didn’t feel the need to make herself small in an effort not to emasculate anyone, which is how she felt in her relationship with Jonathan and while losing the life she had with Jonathan was bearable, at first at least, she still had her job, she still had the security of that. The knowledge that she was good at what she did and needed there, but now she has lost that too and is watching her life spinning out of control. ( She’ll probs get a nice settlement and will still be well off but still, it stings ) It takes her a little while to admit but she felt like she was being replaced by someone younger, by someone more fun which is why she takes such offense later when Jonathan mentions that they’re older ( we’ll get to that ). 

That no doubt hits hard and Jonathan takes THAT FUCKING MOMENT to tell her, no less than thirty minutes after they had sex, that he no longer feels anything for her? That he no longer cares? ( And later he even expects her to be happy for him? What the fuck man?? ) Like don’t get me wrong I understand where he comes from, because it is no doubt liberating to him to have reached that point — BUT fucking her to try and prove to himself he is okay without her? C’mon that’s a low fucking blow and to rub it in her face when she’s already on the ground isn’t much better.

I mean sure she asked, but what the fuck man?

It’s no fucking wonder that she lashes out. She’s hurt. He hurt her so she tries to hurt him in return. They truly do bring out the worst in each other. Also, I absolutely love that she calls him out, that she asks if he only fucked her to prove to himself he doesn’t love her anymore and the hilarious part is that Jonathan doesn’t even acknowledge it because he knows that she has a point.

She isn’t wrong when she calls him a narcissist and says he doesn’t give a fuck about how, what he says makes her feel. At the same time, I love that Jonathan has reached a point where he can meet Mira as an EQUAL — bc they both are fucking egocentric narcissists but also, because that is what she needs. Someone who is her equal, which I think Poli in many ways is, the fact that they’re fighting and going to couples counseling at least speaks for him being able to call her out on her BS which for the longest time Jonathan wasn’t able to ( but Poli isn’t Jonathan and he isn’t who Mira wants, yes yes we’ll get to that ) which is what I think he aims for when he tells her he has detached himself from her enough to still be able to enjoy her and her company but to no longer be as emotionally dependent as he once was. He just choses the wrong fucking moment??

It’s a given that Mira lashed out and tried to hurt him and she hit a fucking nerve, Jonathan wouldn’t have gone off the way he did, if she didn’t. I mean it fucking stings to be told that she wasn’t sexually fulfilled — as if he wouldn’t know that already since she cheated BUT STILL and that she felt the need to hide a part of herself and instead of acknowledging that and listening to what she says — or to communicate, how he chides her what, five minutes earlier? He goes on and talks right over her, aiming for the same topic but from a completely different angle.

They can’t fucking communicate.

And man, despite everything, Mira STILL can’t bring herself to sign the papers even though he told her pretty much directly that he no longer wants her?? It’s tragic that she realized now, where Jonathan is done, or claims to be at least, that she isn’t.

She NEVER was fully available to Poli, no matter how hard he tried and how much he wanted to have a relationship, a family with her because she was still too hung up on Jonathan, because she couldn’t let him go, because even though she cannot be with him, she cannot be without him. The worst part is that she realized that she rather holds on to Jonathan than to try and build a family with Poli when she went to couples counseling with him. When she did with Poli what Jonathan asked her to do before she grabbed her things and ran.

And all that Jonathan WANTS to hear is that because she got dumped ( and lost her job ) she comes back running to him. Which is not the fucking case, she says that Poli took longer to accept that the relationship was over. If anything, Mira left him and she left him because she rather gives up on a future with Poli than giving on Jonathan. And it’s sad that, she is honest and vulnerable in that moment because she truly opens up and reveals something of herself and all he chooses to hear ( which is understandable considering where they stand BUT STILL ) is that she got dumped and chooses to come running back to him when she has wanted to come back to him this entire time but she’d been too blind to see it or acknowledge it— even though IT WAS OBVIOUS as fuck. I mean she even tells him that she has zero desire for a fresh start, that she wants what she used to have and I don’t think she would want her job back and would want to live in the marriage the way they did before she cheated but she wants back what she and Jonathan once had, because she still loves him and she knows he still loves her.

Jonathan pushing Mira right after they had sex to sign the settlement drives home the point that he is seemingly done. You know, one last fuck, a nice dinner and that’s it. When in truth he pushes her to sign the papers because he tries to convince HIMSELF that it’s for the better. I mean he tells her he is ready to tear the settlement up instead of signing them, but at the same time he knows they need to sign it because at the point they’re at right now, they would no doubt destroy each other would they go back to each other.

What I thought was interesint, was that he signed the papers only after Mira did, which I thought the entire time he had already done and that he was only waiting for her to do the same. Funny, that he pushed her to do something he hadn’t done himself yet, right? Looks like Mira isn’t the only one still hung up on what they once had.

And god, when he tells her he wants another child and that he is thinking about doing it without the attachment of a relationship and Mira asks if he thought that she might want to give him another child?? Like?? Girl why would he? Why would he even consider you? I understand fully why he didn’t but I get too why she asked because SHE IS still very much hung up on Jonathan, she had just made that much clear with telling him she chose him over Poli and the fact that she is ready, in a heartbeat, to give him another child, which is what she had denied Poli just underlines that??

And then she takes offense when he points out that they aren’t young anymore because she takes it as an insult ( considering the day she had I understand that though ) and because the concept of HIM having a child WITHOUT HER whether or not a romantic relationship is involved is one she doesn’t like one fucking bit, which is why she lashes out the way she does.

They bring out the absolute fucking worst in each other and yet they can’t get away from one another. Can’t be without each other.

I’m not saying that they’re prone to violence, but Jonathan had manhandled her before, when he wouldn’t let her pack her own suit case and pushed her away. They truly bring out the worst in each other. Neither Mira’s nor Jonathan’s actions here are excusable. They BOTH are just fucking awful and they reach their breaking point in that moment. And it’s awful and it’s painful, and they still love one another, which is the worst fucking part.

Like when Jonathan leaves, he for a moment looks ready to turn around and go back, to not have things end that way. Even now, even after that, they still cannot let go of each other. They can’t with and they can’t without each other.

Jessica and Oscar delivered again. I have no fucking words. Their skill and talent is unmatched. That last scene broke me and knowing it was them without a stunt coordinator hits even harder because they just fucking went for it?? And delivered this?? My heart is still bleeding.

HONESTLY, there is so much more that I could say but this already got super long hdhfjdkskdhf ( I’m sorry!! ) I’ll probs make another post soon because I got so many thoughts BUT STILL. What the fuck was that episode??? It feels so final?? So, well and truly over that I have absolutely no fucking clue what to expect from the next and actual final episode?? I just know that I need it NOW even though I’m terrified as fuck.

[linkeyblue]

Wonder Egg Priority Ep. 7

This is all entirely spoilers- but I've found a lot of the WEP fandom might not be capable of watching the new episode.  It is EXTREMELY triggering, featuring a suicide attempt and vivid depictions of self harm repeatedly throughout the episode.  It also features cults, and mentions a stringent, neglectful, potentially emotionally abusive mother-daughter relationship. If you still want to watch the episode with all this in mind, I've decided to put timestamps and a summary of the episode in case you don't want to watch it- but still want to know what happens. [SUMMARY AFTER KEEP READING BIT] Self Harm Timestamps- [12:36-13:20] [14:26-15:03] [15:36-15:31] [19:30-19:53]

Suicide Attempt/Suicidality Timestamps- [12:40-12:46] [14:55-14:57] [15:19-17:16] (Actual Suicide Attempt) [20:15-20:17]

Mother-Daughter Scenes (This is what the episode is focused on- so I'd recommend reading the summary if possible)- [1:11-1:58] [5:23-5:53]  (The conversation around her mom continues until 7:38) [8:17-9:35] (Rika and Ai vent about their mothers) [12:11-12:30] [20:32-21:27]

Cult Mention Timestamps- [12:03-12:10] [13:21-15:04] [15:21-18:42] (Most of the battle, but you still get to watch the final blow >:D)

Summary: The entire episode is Rika-centered, being featured entirely while on her birthday.  We see Ai going to school for the first time- asking for comments on her uniform from the group before saying they should hangout.  The scene cuts to Rika talking to her mother- who was passed out on the table.  Rika's mother offers her money as a birthday gift, and she immediately passes it back for information on her dad.  Through context clues regarding the background- we can guess that the mother is an alcoholic and smokes.  Rika and her mother get into a fight when Rika's mother comments that she's always asking about him, and that he abandoned them.  Rika gets angry, saying he abandoned her. The intro plays, and then it cuts to Rika running towards the group who are sitting down and eating.  She is presumably late.  Ai talks about her reasoning for going to school again- saying that beating herself up about it won't fix anything.  She also comments on how she's not getting bullied anymore, because most are avoiding her now. The conversation continues until Rika brings up her 'grumbling'.  She shows the others a handful of pictures- all with her mother and another man.  Her mother says that one of them is her father, she just doesn't know which.  Rika begins insulting her mother, and Momoe gets annoyed at her- saying she shouldn't be so rude to her. The table gets into a fight, which Ai doesn't participate in, and Rika stomps off after Neiru comments about her being codependent. Rika goes to a presumably abandoned part of school, laying down on a dusty couch.  Ai follows after her- and the two hangout for the rest of the day: calling themselves the 'Single-Mother Girls'.  The two both vent about their mothers for the rest of the- breaking off from the rest of the group.  Momoe texts apologies to Rika, and Neiru is shown to feel guilty because she feels as though she can't have female friends- as she always says what's on her mind.  Neiru mentions not having parents (though we don't know if this is literally or metaphorically.) Rika asks about Ai's dad- and Ai says that she visits him once a month.  Rika laments about not having a father figure.  She talks about how all she remembers of him is when he commented the line 'A beautiful woman never needs a wallet.'  Rika suddenly leaves to go home.  We see the beginning of what Rika fights against in this episode.  She is protecting a girl with long brown hair- tied up in a bun and all white, modest clothing.  The girl has a scar on half of her face.  She talks about Rika being 'saved' once the Wonder Killer appears. It cuts to Rika walking into her house- the front of which is a bar.  The people drinking there and her mother greet her, telling her to eat her cake.  She ignores them and walks into the house part of the building. She is shown trying to self-harm, but not being able to follow through with it because of the comfort of her pet tortoise.  She is also seen having explicit suicidal thoughts. We cut back to the battle- where Rika manages to hurt the Wonder Killer.  The victim she is protecting cries in agony, telling her about her home life- where she was troubled with her parents losing their jobs.  They had found their 'Mentor' who instructed them to give up on Earthly possessions to cure them of their karmic revenge from past lives.  She sympathizes with Rika's self-harming tendencies, showing her own scars and how Rika could be helped too. Ai and the others start to catch on that something is seriously wrong, using their amulets to listen in on what's happening to Rika.  We cut back to Rika's battle- where she has given up.  She lets the Wonder Killer attempt to kill her, commenting on how it doesn't hurt.  The victim supports her as it happens.  Ai and Momoe both beg for Rika to reconsider and give life another chance- not to give up.  Neiru remains silent, but looks troubled before finally joining in and telling her to pull herself together. Rika lets herself give in to a Hug of Life- which would be the final blow that kills her- if her tortoise didn't summon itself to protect her against the threat.  She suddenly realizes she had been a bad mother and had given up on her tortoise like she thinks her mom did with her.  She also realizes entirely that the Wonder Killer was a fake- because her mother had taught her that all men who ask for money are fakes.  Rika wills herself up, killing off the Wonder Killer.  Afterwards, she and the victim talk- and the victim comments about the both of them being weak for self-harming.  Rika owns up to it, but says it's how she copes and lets herself do normal things that she likes without guilt.  She knows it's bad for her, but that it's just a part of who she is.  She decides she wants to live. Rika is walks back to the gardens.  Momoe, Ai, and Neiru are all waiting there worriedly.  Momoe and Ai rush to hug her, and Neiru says, "..don't die."  You can tell it's genuine, and that she has no other way of expressing her worry. We cut back to Rika' house.  She walks into the kitchen, where her mother is drinking.  She grabs the cake from the fridge, and Rika's mother comments on how the cream on it most likely dried up.  Rika confirms this, quite bluntly.  The conversation continues, until Rika's mother asks if Rika will abandon her like everyone else.  Rika says, "Yeah.  ..But not now."  Rika's mother replies with, "I see." and an indiscernible expression.

[living-with-pmd]

11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.  

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

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"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

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"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

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"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

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"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

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"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/