#so many feels about that song and the album

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

I meant to post about this back when TTPD was released and never got around to it, but it's so touching to me that Taylor has peppered so many British-isms into the album, and not just in a jokey kind of way like in "London Boy" back in the Lover days.

It's such a beautiful, subtle nod to how much that was her life for years, and to the marks the city and the muse(s) left on her. Because isn't that true of any of us when we've been around a person for so long, or live in a place we've made into our home? You start picking up their speech patterns until they become second nature. (For instance, one of my best friends moved abroad for university, and before long she started dropping in words like "fortnight," "lorry,""shops" (vs. stores) into conversation when we'd speak, which only got stronger along with her accent shifting as the years went by and she stayed there.) Kind of a love language code switching.

It’s sprinkled throughout the album. “For a fortnight” in “Fortnight,” “blokes” on “The Alchemy,” “the shops,”* in “How Did It End?” I think my favourite use of it is in “The Bolter,” because it’s such a classic twangy yeehaw Taylor song, but she’s got these tiny turns of phrase that point to where she spent a large portion of her adult life. (E.g. “best mates,” “out the drive,”* “wish he wouldn’t be sore,”*)(*yes I know these aren’t like, specifically not-American, but as someone who has grown up with North American English in the same generation as Taylor, these definitely feel anachronistic/foreign. Like if I hear someone say “the shops” instead of “the store,” “drive” instead of driveway or “sore” meaning upset, I’m thinking they either watch a lot of 1950s movies or they’re from the UK. And yes I know it’s to make everything rhyme BUT THAT’S THE POINT SHE IS MAKING THEM RHYME ON PURPOSE ok I’m stopping now before the linguistics nerd in me jumps out) It’s such a cool merging of influences, much like the album as a whole fuses together experiences and muses and sounds.

And that gets back to the “I love this place for so long,”of it all. The place is the city, the place is her home, the place is the person, and they are all part of her. To me, these are part of the subtext of the album, of the big love she once felt for all of it, and how it changed her. And, why it hurt so much to leave it all behind. So she’s starting over back home in America, but she’s taking a little bit of London with her for its curtain call on TTPD.

[in-amess]

what happened to just messing around? pt.2

paige bueckers x oc

-

“You hate pomegranates?”

“I like peaches.”

“Wasn't my question, but I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

Hailey snaps her head towards Paige, trying to find out what she meant by ‘next time’. She brushes it off as a figure of speech.

Paige remains unaware of Hailey’s stare and continues to play with the cat in her lap, petting its head gently, and Hailey bites back a smile at the sight.

Hailey ignores the way Paige’s scent is starting to stain her sheets. She ignores how their time spent together is past the limit of their initial agreement. She ignores how Paige is still in her room, and brushes off the fact that it's a weekday when they agreed to meet only on weekends.

“You're staring.”

And that snaps Hailey out of her trance, “I was simply wondering why you’ve been smiling much.”

“I’m feeling happy today.”

“Because of me?” Hailey teases.

Paige doesn't say anything, but the way her eyes soften gives Hailey the answer.

“Would you like anything for breakfast?” Paige stands up and opens her cupboards, “I can cook pancakes, eggs and bacon if you’d like.”

Hailey bites her bottom lip, she knows she shouldn't stay. This is getting too intimate. Maybe she’s just overthinking. Maybe this is Paige’s farewell before she ghosts her for Lord knows how long.

“I may have to decline your offer, unfortunately.” Paige’s cat, Koi, paws its way to Hailey and begins rubbing on her shins, “Wouldn't wanna take up more of your time. I really appreciate it, though.”

Paige’s eyes soften and she breathes out a sigh, “Alright. I’ll walk you out?”

“Yeah.”

Hailey gathers her belongings and begins walking out with Paige trailing behind her.

“I’ll see you this weekend?”

“You have my number.” Paige smiles, “You took the bus?” she asks, looking over Hailey’s shoulder, searching for her car.

“I walked.”

Paige hums, “Wait here.” she goes back inside, leaving Hailey standing at her porch. Hailey twiddles with the string of her joggers. She raises her head up when she hears the jingle of keys.

“Paige, you don't have to.” Hailey says, even though she knows she’s not getting her way as hard as she tries.

“Not taking no for an answer!” Paige connects their hands and looks at Hailey with a glint in her eyes. Paige opens the passenger car door for Hailey. Hailey tucks her hair behind her ear, trying to hide the small smile forming on her lips.

Once in her seat, Paige hands Hailey her phone open on Spotify, indicating for her to choose a song.

Hailey skims through Paige’s playlists and chooses “Me & You Together Song” by The 1975.

The car ride concluded with a lot of singing and discussing the new Taylor Swift album. Paige was never a big fan of Taylor Swift, but Hailey got her into many of her songs. Paige's favourite album being 1989.

“Stay seated.” Paige tells her. Hailey watches Paige go around the car to open the car door for her with that stupid smile on her face.

“Milady,” Paige bows and Hailey can't help but slightly shove her.

“Such a gentleman.”

Paige winks at her and follows Hailey to her door. Paige puts her hands in her pockets, not knowing where else to put them. She thought about resting them on Hailey's waist but wasn't sure what her reaction would be so she went with the safer option.

Paige stops at her porch, her confident demeanor gone and all Hailey sees is a timid girl, unsure of what's to happen next.

“Thank you for giving me a ride home.”

“Anytime, Hailey. I'll see you next weekend?”

“Yeah.”

Paige gives her a small smile and slowly turns to leave. Hailey, in the moment, reaches for Paige's hand, squeezing, causing Paige to turn her head.

Hailey leans in, kissing Paige on the corner of her lips. Paige remains frozen in her spot, afraid the moment will end when she moves.

Hailey leans away, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear, “Bye.” and she swiftly closes the door, leaving Paige agape on her doorstep.

Legend says, Paige is still frozen.

[9w1ft]

i need help. i’m so slow at unpacking the songs & their lyrics but you guys seem so confident that Kaylor lives. mind sharing lyrics or interpretations that you make you feel confident?

i think i speak for a lot of kaylors when i say we weren’t going into this album thinking we were all in some make or break situation, where the songs would be what decides whether or not kaylor lives. and we haven’t come out of it feeling different! so for starters, the very process of processing the songs is a bit different, i think, than the process suggested in your question.

this post got kinda long so i’m going to put it under the cut! and just a tl;dr that i am just talking about this aforementioned process. i’ve started writing out interpretations for the songs that have caught my kaylor attention but it’s taking time, so i thought id go ahead and post the other aspect of my answer in the meantime

a big part of kaylor interpretation is taking a look at what taylor and karlie were doing over the period of time that an album was written and the lead up to album rollout, and seeing if it looks like karlie knew in advance about what would be on the album, or how it would be promoted. the fundamental idea is that if taylor and karlie truly hated each other like everyone insists, that they wouldn’t go out of their way to drop hints or allow one another to drop hints.

so for example, karlie started wearing this pair of sunglasses with the product name “poet” before the name of the album (the tortured poets department) was ever known. she walked in two schiaparelli runway shows (the significance being that these days its rare for her to walk a show, and she’s never walked for schiaparelli before although she’s been to their shows in years of late), one of these schiaparelli shows was specifically alien themed, which lines up with the theming of Down Bad, and then next taylor announced the tortured poets department at the grammys wearing custom schiaparelli (i don’t think taylor’s ever worn the house before). so like, these sorts of things don’t make sense until later but they are signs we look to as a backdrop when going into an album. they are a sort of most recent indicator of the state of the union.

historically (especially post 2019 when what i call the scorched earth narrative was disseminated) people looking to disprove kaylor tend to brush off this stuff (twinning, similar theming or messaging in social media, etc) as oh it’s coincidental, but even if it’s not, any kaylor things that happen now are just because taylor is grieving and desperate for karlie and/or karlie wants notoriety because she wants… more money. but as i’ve said and as many have said for the past 5 years, it makes no sense and is such a misread of drivers for karlie and taylor. i beg people to try and put themselves in karlie’s shoes and ask themselves, would you endure all the hate for… more… money?? would you fly across the country and go to taylor’s concert two weeks post-partum, in a state of physical disrepair just to… spite her?? and have millions of people send hate at you for it..?

anyway, i know this is different than lyric analysis but it’s an integral part of kaylor analysis so i wanted to highlight it. i’d also point out that a whole bunch of people are currently analyzing her entire back catalog re: matty context clues in the same ways so 🤷🏻‍♀️ i think it’s a natural tendency for a lot of people— with kaylor though it’s outlawed.

and i want to reiterate that i think observing the time surrounding the album is a particularly worthwhile thing to do because it takes into account a more recent period of time than that of which the songs represent. i think people can get tunnel vision analyzing an album or individual songs and lose sight of the fact that we are here now after the album has been written. the lyrics are not the most recent thing!

another point i feel that needs mentioning is that with kaylor, among kaylors, we are looking at recent albums more for signs of taylor weaving a story of them that leads to them getting back together publicly. the idea that we are probably not going to get some big reveal that oh everything prior was fake! we have always been together! but rather some separate telling of events that preserves the integrity of people involved to some extent. so there are likely several layers going on when looking at songs. a mix of truth and augmented truths. songs can be useful towards meeting an end goal without telling the entire truth, while the fact that they are useful is still an indicator of the meta truth. i know this sounds a little convoluted... but thats alright im not invested in proving it to people 🙈 (nor do i think it should be provable!!)

lastly, while i am still compiling all my kaylor observations from each song, i did want to point out the obvious: that my understanding of the album (and i assume this is true for more kaylors as well) is colored by the inclusion of the song Robin. …i guess i will mince my words a little bit because i consider it a sensitive subject but basically, it’s a song about something that we would expect taylor would be singing about if they’re together in the way we understand it to be, given what we have been shown. and some of the lyrics are so specific to this… far flung idea… and such a contemporary development… that it sort of works to recontextualize any of the songs on ttpd that would otherwise feel breakuppy? because it pushes the story so far forward in matching our understanding. the hardest songs are easier to see as emblematic of the past, and the path that led us here to the present. in this way, at least for me, it makes it easier to appreciate the kaylor easter eggs going on in the songs as emblematic of kaylor, as opposed to litigating them and filing them one by one, because i truly believe taylor would not release Robin if kaylor was actually over. same goes for recurring motifs throughout the album (and midnights, and you might also include folkevermore as well) related to what robin is about. might sound weird to say but you could almost make a drinking game out of the motif, honestly, given how often she does it throughout the album.

i know the whole thing is wild. i have accepted this and im not out here to push it on people 😌 though i do leave the porch light on for people passing by. because for years now, with each new album people continue to say oh this is the kaylor breakup album, oh she’s finally over it, and then i guess they get amnesia by the time the next album comes along and kaylor themes yet again persist. and idk, to me, kaylor just being together this whole time is actually one of the least complicated outcomes.

anyways, in conclusion, apologies for not providing a song by song analysis right away 🙏 but i wanted to put out this part in the meantime. i don’t expect everyone to agree with this premise but i think it’s key to understanding how a lot of us approach this album. i hope it provides a little insight into my perspective! 🫶

[jokeroutsubs]

[ENG translation] Joker Out: It only makes sense that we sold out Cvetličarna

MMC's conversation with the young band

An interview with Bojan Cvjetićanin and Kris Guštin, published on RTV Slovenia on 15.02.2020. Original article written by Polona Brajkovec for MMC RTVSLO. Translation by IG joyridinglovee, proofread by IG shauychan.

Photo: the band's archive

Joker out first brought attention to themselves at Špil liga¹ and after that we didn't hear much about them, until the release of their song 'Omamljeno telo', shortly followed by 'Gola'. Now, they’re announcing their first album, which they’ll present in sold-out Cvetličarna.

¹Competition for student bands organized by Kino Šiška, which Joker Out won in 2017

The band, which consists of Bojan Cvjetićanin, Matic Kovačič, Kris Guštin, Jan Peteh, and Martin Jurkovič, will release their first album on the day of jokesters² and then perform it a week later in Cvetličarna. Since the fan’s response was so overwhelmingly positive, they decided to add another concert date on April 15th.

²They're referring to the 1st of April

The fact that they sold out the venue, which might come off as a quite ambitious choice to present their first album in, was a surprising fact even for them, but they still think it was deserved, considering they have been present on the Slovenian music scene for years.

“We’ve been on the scene for around three years, we’ve toured practically the entirety of Slovenia, we also put out a couple of songs, which have quite an impressive amount of views on YouTube. And if you look at 1,500 people; if you’re active enough on the road, it only makes sense that you’ve convinced enough of them and they’d come. It’s crazy, but I think it’s completely realistic.” Tells Bojan, the singer, to MMC.

You can read more in the interview below with Bojan and Kris.

Let's start with the first album. Will you be able to get everything done by April, how much material is recorded?

BC: Actually, we've recorded all the guitars and the drums. Optimistically said, we'll be able to do it (laughter). No, of course we'll do it, there's no other option, we have to do it.

KG: We have only eight songs left to record, two are already out - 'Omamljeno telo' and 'Gola', which will also be on the album.

Could you tell us a bit more about the upcoming album?

BC: So for our first album we actually chose songs that felt relevent since the beginning until now, well, since the beginning of creating the story which is relevant now. The songs which will be on the album are also from that time - we've excluded some of the songs and they won't be on it. In fact, they are all connected with a very similar sound and feel. Kris and I, who are the only two authors, drew inspiration from quite similar backgrounds, and that's something that also shows. I would say that this sound, for which we went looking for quite deep down, is the most special one.

KG: We're really looking for the common thread in our sound for the album.

This was actually my next question - can we expect a conceptual first album?

KG: Yes, the album will be quite conceptual.

BC: The sound will definitely be connected throughout the album, however the themes are more classic.

KG: The theme is quite simple: love. It's not conceptual in the same way as Pink Floyd, where they present a socially critical view.

So, you're not ashamed of admitting that your lyrics are simple and love-oriented? Even if there's an aspiration for social criticism?

BC: We're not afraid of admitting that our songs are primarily about love. But I wouldn't say that they're simple, at least textually, and I think we went much deeper and more artistic than many things that we can find in Slovenia. So I definitely wouldn't qualify us as "trash" pop, but, as Kris said, it's not in the same vein as Pink Floyd.

KG: We also have songs that aren't only about love, but also include Bojan and I digging into ourselves, so they're quite introspective even if they're still mostly about professing love.

The presentation of your first album in Cvetličarna can be labelled as quite brave or even quite ambitious. Was there any fear of half of the tickets not selling out present?

BC: When Siddharta had a concert there for the 20th anniversary of their album ID we went to Cvetličarna for the concert and when I saw all of the poeple there I asked myself what did we do to ourselves, and how will we get that amount of people (laughter). But then we ended up selling 350 tickets within the first 24 hours and then it just kept on going. So it'll be quite crowded.

How surprising was the positive reaction?

BC: I'd say that we were definitely surprised in the sense of "look what we made happen", but it's also deserved. We’ve been on the scene for around three years, we’ve toured practically the entirety of Slovenia, we also put out a couple of songs, which have quite an impressive amount of views on YouTube. And if you look at 1,500 people; if you’re active enough on the road, it only makes sense that you’ve convinced enough of them and they’d come. It’s crazy, but I think it’s completely realistic.

KG: While we're on that topic - We were completely shocked at the idea of us selling out our concert at the Ljubljana castle with 250 tickets.

BC: Exactly. The concert at the Ljubljana castle was our first headlining concert and at that point I personally expressed my concerns to Matic, that 250 tickets is a lot. We didn't have that feeling, considering we haven't been playing in that way at that point. I told him that if we get to 100 or 150 sold tickets it'll already be great. But then it was completely sold out.

You announced that Cvetličarna will have a perfective musical as well as a visual performance. How do you plan on approaching he visual portion of your performance?

KG: From the beginning we've been told and also decided for ourselves, that the visual image is just as, or maybe a little less important as the musical image. That's why we've been collectively developing it, we've been looking for some sort of an image, so what we wear on our shows, the way our music videos look - Mark Pirc, who filmed our last music video, and we'll continue working with him. Maybe our visual presentation is selling even better than the musical one.

BC: We didn't go as far as setting a rule that we're not allowed to leave the house if we're not wearing a turtleneck like we do at our concerts, but we did agree to keep a constant style at our concerts. Plus the fact that we take professional photos after each of our concerts so we can post them online, which is quite important. We were actually taught that at Špil Liga.

Photo: Vita Orehek

Right after the ending of your story at Špil Liga you moved slightly away from the scene or became practically invisible. Why did it take so long until your first album?

BC: Špil Liga was right before we put out Omamljeno telo, a song that gained quite the success. At that point that was the first time we were put outside of the primary circle of people. Then, Kris and I had slight creative differences with what we wanted to do. We had different visions of what we wanted to do, I was even thinking about a solo career. After that we actually put the band on hold for about seven or eight months and that's when i ended up figuring out that I wanted to be with the band, because that's what functioned the best. Later, Kris showed me an old recording form practice, where we, quite some time ago, tried to play Gola and I heard how the final version of the song was supposed to be done. That's when we ended up finishing it and everything continued. The gap was there beacause that's when we ended up finding ourselves and figuring out that's what we actually want to do. This wasn't only five boys from high school who half-assed a band.

KG: We went to record two more songs in between, but we ended up not releasing them, because we didn't like them.

What was the main change in that time, both for you individually and Joker Out as a whole?

KG: Individually speaking, we started treating the band as a job, as something that you have to give as much time as we give to university. Because, if you don't treat the band as such, you'll have a hard time ever making it a career. We came to terms with it, since it's not difficult for us, you just get up and get to work, which brings a lot of things with it.

BC: Essentially we got together and said that each of us clarified what their contribution to the band is and what they want to get out of it. And then we said to give it our all.

Bojan, did you leave the idea of a solo career behind you out of fear that you won't make it without the support of the group?

BC: I essentially had this idea - it's what happens when your head gets up in the clouds - I had this idea that I could make it even bigger without the band. You never know, maybe I could have gained more short term success, but that wouldn't last long, considering it wouldn't be authentic. And in the end, since it wasn't authentic, it didn't happen. I did, however put 100% of my time into it, considering I didn't want to make anything half-done.

Photo: the band's archive

Do you feel any pressure surrounding the release of your first album, considering all the comments lately that have been calling you the next Siddharta?

BC: I wouldn't say that we feel pressure. We like the fact that we've been playing more concerts with Siddharta recently and that we can learn from them, considering they were the people who inspired us to begin.

KG: I feel honoured that a person could ever expect that. Obviously there's a generational hole in the Slovenian scene, where after Siddharta, Big Foot Mama and bands alike there wasn't really anyone, and now we started again. It was always definite that someone would come, and i'm quite honoured that it gets to be us.

Do you think you'll be able to fill the shoes or the pressure which comes with the first album?

BC: We think that we can, but we'll see how it'll go. If we didn't think so, we wouldn't even attempt to get into it.

What was the smallest number of people you've ever played for?

BC: Four, in Celje.

KG: What about Šentjur pri Celju? The only person there was the sound tech.

BC: Šentjur pri Celju? There weren't little people there.

KG: Dude, there wasn't anyone.

BC: Maybe in the beginning, but in the end there was a lot of people. But in Celje therewere only the guitarist's dad and the photographer in the beginning, but by the end three more people ended up showing up. This was two years ago, it was a good concert (laughter)

KG: At that point you're at a level where you can't expect much people to show up.

BC: We used to blame the people playing before us, saying they're not cool enough. (laughter)

How do you define musical success?

BC: I think that if you say that you're a musician it's great for it to be a job. The word musician isn't any less worthy as the word journalist, doctor, teacher or whatever. There's a mentality that developed in Slovenia that musicians are people who fill up their free time with gigs and that it's a hobby for them. If you've invested your entire life into it, then musical success is being able to live your day-to-day life and not think about whether or not you'll be able to pay the bills tomorrow.

KG: Musical success in the public's eye is different than the musical success we were just talking about. Musical success for us is the ability to live from music alone, but musical success for Joker Out as a brand -- People don't care whether or not we can live from music, they view success through exposure, if we have a lot of views on our content and a lot of concerts.

We talked about how you wouldn't classify yourselves as "trash" pop, but if we look at your fanbase, we could quickly classify you as a typical boy group.

BC: If you look at what was happening with The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, it was the same exact thing, minus the ability of pointing them out on social media. They were pointing out the same thing about them, but I'll say this way -- we're lucky that we're attractive. We look like a boyband and it helps that girls fall for that. But if we are "trash" pop, then so are The Beatles.

KG: What matters to us its that we don't come off as typical rock stars.

BC: Exactly. The title of a rockstar is unimportant to me.

Do you as young musicians support each other, or is there some sort of a rivalry or jealousy?

KG: I think that some sort of rivalry does exist, but it's useless since there's so much space because of this gap that we mentioned. There's a lot of space since no one gets past their small audience, but we're all acting as if we're stealing each other's audience. However we do help each other,but we could do more. There's space for everyone but there's some sort of feeling that there isn't.

BC: I've recently spent a lot of time with young, uprising musicians and there's definitely more, they've started filling up gigs, there's albums coming out and people are listening to them. But I think that the gap happened purely because older musicians, and I don't know why, but primarily on the pop scene there's some sort of hatred because everyone is defending their territory and since they did that they ended up digging themselves into a hole and left space for nobody. We definitely have a mentality that along with us, there's 15 other groups that succeed as well, and if necessary, 20 solo artists - something needs to start happening because this is sad.

Photo: Ana Črenšar

Do you think that things are slowly getting better?

BC: I think that’s it’s noticeably getting better, but only in the last two years or so.

Do you think that Slovene will continue to offer enough creative space for you to create?

KG: Good question.

BC: I believe that it offers a lot and we both want to make the most of it, without limiting ourselves. If we ever think that we’re capable of creating something good in a different language, we’ll definitely try. I won’t say that we’ll put much out, but we will try.

How important is counting likes and comments on social media to you?

BC: It’s actually not for us. We care about the views on YouTube, we use Instagram purely because we have to, since it’s a new media for our generation, but we never count our interactions. If anything, I’d be the one care about it personally, since I had an impulsive thought of becoming an influencer, but now that I look at them I find it funny how much they care about it, and I even make fun of it my Instagram. But I never use it for the purpose of false advertisement, purely for the band.

KG: In the last couple of months we’ve been more excited about the amount of tickets sold for Cvetličarna. (laughter).

[matttgirlies]

Matt & Me 🎀

1 2

a story heavily based on Priscilla Presley’s Book “Elvis & Me” based in the 1950’s - 1970’s.

fem! reader x singer! matt

disclaimer!! - in no way am i saying matt would ever support or do these kind of things, for the sake of the book certain unethical things do happen at times.

warnings - age gap,, i think thats all

all of the songs and celebrities mentioned in here are from the time periods this was written if you are confused🩷

Chapter 1

It was 1956. I was living with my family at the Bergstrom Air Force Base in Austin, Texas, where my father, then Captain, Joseph Paul y/ln, a career officer, was stationed. He came home late for dinner one evening and handed me a record album.

“I don’t know what this Matt guy is all about,” he said, “but he must be something special. I stood in line with half the Air Force at the PX to get this for you; everybody wants it.”

I put the record on the hi-fi and heard the rocking music of “Blue Suede Shoes.” The album was titled Matt Sturniolo. It was his first.

Like almost every other kid in America, I liked Matt but not as fanatically as many of my girl friends at Del Valley Junior High. They all had Matt T-shirts and Matt hats and Matt socks and even lipstick in colors with names like Hound Dog Orange and Heartbreak Pink referencing names of his songs. Matt was everywhere, on bubblegum cards and Bermuda shorts, on diaries and wallets and pictures that glowed in the dark. The boys at school began trying to look like him, with their fluffy hair and turned up collars.

One girl was so crazy about him that she was running his local fan club. She said I could join for twenty-five cents, the price of a book she’d ordered for me by mail. When I received it, I was shocked to see a picture of Matt signing the bare chests of a couple of girls, at that time an unheard-of act.

Then I saw him on television on Jimmy and Tommy Dorsey’s Stage Show. He was sexy and handsome, with his deep brooding eyes, pouty lips, and crooked smile. He strutted out to the microphone, spread his legs, leaned back, and strummed his guitar. Then he began singing with such confidence, moving his body with unbridled sexuality. Despite myself, I was attracted.

Some members of his adult audience were less enthusiastic. Soon his performances were labeled obscene. My mother stated emphatically that he was “a bad influence for teenage girls. He arouses things in them that shouldn’t be aroused. If there’s ever a mothers’ march against Matt Sturniolo, I’ll be the first in line.”

But I’d heard that despite all of his stage antics and lustful, tough-guy looks, Matt came from a strict Southern Christian background. He was a country boy who didn’t smoke or drink, who loved and honored his parents, and who addressed all adults as “sir” or “ma’am.”

I was an Air Force child, a shy, pretty little girl, unhappily accustomed to moving from base to base every two or three years. By the time I was eleven, I had lived in six different cities and, fearful of not being accepted, I either kept to myself or waited for someone to befriend me. I found it especially difficult entering a new school in the middle of the year, when cliques had already been established and newcomers were considered outsiders.

Small and petite, with long y/hc hair, y/ec eyes, and an upturned nose, I was always stared at by the other students. At first girls would see me as a rival, afraid I’d take their boyfriends away. I seemed to feel more comfortable with boys—and they were usually friendlier.

People always said I was the prettiest girl in school, but I never felt that way. I was skinny, practically scrawny, and even if I was as cute, as people said, I wanted to have more than just good looks. Only with my family did I really feel totally protected and loved. Close and supportive, they provided my stability.

A photographer’s model before her marriage, my mother was totally devoted to her family. As the oldest, it was my responsibility to help her with the kids. After me, there were Don, four years younger, and Michelle, my only sister, who was five years younger than Don. Jeff and the twins, Tim and Tom, hadn’t yet been born.

My mother was too shy to talk about the facts of life, so my sex education came in school, when I was in the sixth grade. Some kids were passing around a book that looked like the Bible from the outside, but when you opened it, there were pictures of men making love to women, and women making love to each other.

My body was changing and stirring with new feelings. I’d gotten looks from boys at school, and once a picture of me in a tight turtleneck sweater was stolen from the school bulletin board. Yet I was still a child, embarrassed about my own sexuality. I fantasized endlessly about French-kissing, but when my friends who hung around our house played spin the bottle, it would take me half an hour to let a boy kiss my pursed lips.

My strong, handsome father was the center of our world. He was a hard worker who had earned his degree in Business Administration at University of Texas. At home he ran a tight ship. He was a firm believer in discipline and responsibility, and he and I frequently knocked heads. When I became a cheerleader at thirteen, it was all I could do to convince him to let me go to out-of-town games. Other times no amount of crying, pleading, or appealing to my mother would change his mind. When he laid down the law, that was that.

I managed to get around him occasionally. When he refused to let me wear a tight skirt, I joined the Girl Scouts specifically so I could wear their tight uniform.

My parents were survivors. Although they often had to struggle financially, we children were the last to feel it. When I was a little girl my mother sewed pretty tablecloths to cover the orange crates that we used as end tables. Rather than do without, we made the best of what we had.

Dinner was strictly group participation: Mother cooked, one of us set the table, and the rest cleaned up. Nobody got away with anything, but we were very supportive of one another. I felt fortunate to have a close-knit family.

Going through old albums of family photographs showing my parents when they were young fascinated me. I was curious about the past. World War II intrigued me, especially since my father had fought with the Marines on Okinawa. He looked handsome in his uniform—you could tell he was posing for my mother—but somehow his smile looked out of place, especially when you realized where he was. When I read the note on the back of the picture about how much he missed my mother, my eyes filled with tears.

While rummaging through the family keepsakes I came upon a small wooden box. Inside was a carefully folded American flag, the kind that I knew was given to servicemen’s widows. Also inside the box was a picture of my mother with her arm around a strange man and, sitting on her lap, an infant. On the back of the photo was inscribed “Mommy, Daddy, y/n.” I had discovered a family secret.

Feeling betrayed, I ran to phone my mother, who was at a party nearby. Within minutes I was in her arms, crying as she calmed me and explained that when I was six months old, my real father, Lieutenant James Wagner, a handsome Navy pilot, had been killed in a plane crash while returning home on leave. Two and a half years later, she married Paul y/ln, who adopted me and had always loved me as his own.

Mother suggested I keep my discovery from the other children. She felt it would endanger our family closeness, though when it did become known, it had no effect on our feelings for one another. She gave me a gold locket that my father had given her. I cherished that locket and wore it for years and fantasized that my father died a great hero. In times of emotional pain and loneliness he would become my guardian angel.

By the end of the year, I’d been nominated to run for Queen of Del Valley Junior High. This was my first taste of politics and competition and it was especially trying because I was running against Millie Collins, my best friend.

We each had a campaign manager introducing us as we went from house to house knocking on doors. My manager tried to talk each person into voting for me and donating a penny or more per vote to a school fund. The nominee who collected the most money won. I was sure that this competition would jeopardize my friendship with Millie, which was more important to me than winning. I considered quitting but felt I couldn’t let my parents or my supporters down. While my mother was out looking for a dress for me to wear to the coronation, my dad kept reminding me to memorize an acceptance speech. I kept putting it off, certain I was going to lose.

It was the last day of the campaign, and a rumor began circulating that Millie’s grandparents had put in a hundred-dollar bill for their vote. My parents were disappointed; there was no way that they could afford to match that much money and even if they could, they objected on principle.

The night they announced the winner, I was all dressed up in a new turquoise blue, strapless tulle net formal that itched so badly I couldn’t wait to take it off. I sat beside Millie on the dais in the large school auditorium. I could see my parents with happy, confident looks on their faces though I was sure they were going to be disheartened. Then the principal walked up to the podium.

“And now,” she said, hesitating to heighten the suspense, “is the moment you’ve all been waiting for  . . . the culmination of a month of campaigning by our two lovely contestants: y/n y/ln  . . .” All eyes turned toward me. I blushed and glanced at Millie. “ . . . and Millie Collins.” Our eyes locked for a brief, tense moment.

“The new Queen of Del Valley Junior High is  . . .” A drum roll sounded. “ . . . y/n y/ln.”

The audience applauded wildly. I was in shock. Called up to the stage to give my speech, I had none. Sure that I was going to lose, I’d never even bothered to write one. I walked, trembling, to the podium, then looked out at the crowded auditorium. All I could see was my father’s face, growing more disappointed as he realized I had nothing to say. When I finally spoke, it was to apologize.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m not prepared to give a speech, as I did not expect to win. But thank you very much for voting for me. I’ll do my very best.” And then, looking at my father, I added, “I’m sorry, Dad.”

I was surprised as the audience graciously applauded, but I still had to face my father and hear him say, “I told you so.”

Being elected Queen was a bittersweet victory, because the closeness that Millie and I once shared was restrained. Still, to me that crown symbolized a wonderful, unfamiliar feeling: acceptance.

My newfound tranquility ended abruptly when my father announced that he was being transferred to Wiesbaden, West Germany.

I was crushed. Germany was the other side of the world. All my fears returned. My first thought was, What am I going to do about my friends? I turned to my mother, who was sympathetic and reminded me that we were in the Air Force and moving was an unavoidable part of our lives.

I finished junior high school, my mother gave birth to baby Jeff, and we said our goodbyes to neighbors and good friends. Everyone promised to write or call, but remembering past promises I knew better. My friend Stephanie jokingly told me that Matt Sturniolo was stationed in Bad Neuheim, West Germany. “Do you believe it? You’re going to be in the same country as Matt Sturniolo,” she said. We looked at a map and found that Bad Neuheim was close to Wiesbaden. I said back, “I’m going over there to meet Matt.” We both laughed, hugged each other, and said goodbye.

West Germany

The fifteen-hour flight to West Germany seemed interminable, but finally we arrived in the beautiful old city of Wiesbaden, headquarters of the U.S. Air Force in Europe. There we checked into the Helene Hotel, a massive and venerable building on the main thoroughfare. After three months, hotel living became too expensive and we began looking for a place to rent.

We felt lucky to find a large apartment in a vintage building constructed long before World War I. Soon after we moved in, we noticed that all the other apartments were rented to single girls. These Fräuleins walked around all day long in robes and negligees, and at night they were dressed to kill. Once we learned a little German, we realized that, although the pension was very discreet, we were living in a brothel.

Moving was out of the question—housing was too scarce—but the location did little to help me to adjust. Not only was I isolated from other American families, but there was the language barrier. I was accustomed to changing schools frequently, but a foreign country posed altogether new problems, principally that I couldn’t share my thoughts. I began to feel that my life had stopped dead in its tracks.

September came and with it, school. Once again I was the new girl. I was no longer popular and secure as I’d been at Del.

There was a place called the Eagles Club, where American service families went for dinner and entertainment. It was within walking distance of the pension and soon proved an important discovery for me. Every day after school, I’d go to the snack bar there and listen to the jukebox and write letters to my friends back home in Austin, telling them how much I missed them. Drowning in tears, I’d spend my weekly allowance playing the songs that were very popular back in the States—Frankie Avalon’s “Venus” and the Everly Brothers’ “All I Have to Do Is Dream.”

One warm summer afternoon, I was sitting with my brother Don when I noticed a handsome man in his twenties staring at me. I’d seen him watching me before, but I’d never paid any attention to him. This time, he stood up and walked toward me. He introduced himself as Steven Wright and asked my name.

“y/n y/ln,” I said, immediately suspicious; he was much older than me.

He asked where in the States I came from, how I liked Germany, and if I liked Matt Sturniolo.

“Of course,” I said, laughing. “Who doesn’t?”

“I’m a good friend of his. My wife and I go to his house quite often. How would you like to join us one evening?”

Unprepared for such an extraordinary invitation, I grew even more skeptical and guarded. I told him I’d have to ask my parents. Over the course of the next two weeks, Steven met my parents and my father checked out his credentials. Steven was also in the Air Force and it turned out that my father knew his commanding officer. That seemed to break the ice between them. Steven assured Dad that I’d be well chaperoned when we visited Matt, who lived off base in a house in Bad Nauheim.

On the appointed night I tore through my closet, trying to find an appropriate outfit. Nothing seemed dressy enough for meeting Matt Sturniolo. I settled on a navy and white sailor dress and white socks and shoes. Surveying myself in the mirror, I thought I looked cute, but being only fourteen, I didn’t think I’d make any kind of impression on Matt.

Eight o’clock finally arrived, and so did Steven Wright and his attractive wife, Carole. Anxious, I hardly spoke to either of them during the forty-five-minute drive. We entered the small town of Bad Nauheim, with its narrow cobblestone streets and plain, old-fashioned houses, and I kept looking around for what I assumed would be Matt’s huge mansion. Instead Steven pulled up to an ordinary-looking three-story house surrounded by a white picket fence.

There was a sign on the gate in German, which translated as: autographs between 7:00 and 8:00 p.m. only. Even though it was after eight o’clock, a large group of friendly German girls waited around expectantly. When I asked Steven about them, he explained that there were always large groups of fans outside the house, hoping to catch a glimpse of Matt.

I followed Steven through the gate and up the short pathway to the door. We were welcomed by James Sturniolo, Matt’s father, a tall, gray-haired, attractive man, who led us down a long hallway to the living room, from which I could hear Brenda Lee on the record player, singing “Sweet Nothin’s.”

The plain, almost drab living room was filled with people, but I spotted Matt immediately. He was handsomer than he appeared in films, younger and more vulnerable-looking with his haircut. He was in civilian clothes, a bright red sweater and tan slacks, and he was sitting with one leg swung over the arm of a large overstuffed chair, with a cigar dangling from his lips.

As Steven led me over to him, Matt stood up and smiled. “Well,” he said. “What have we here?”

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I just kept staring at him.

“Matt,” Steven said, “this is y/n y/ln. The girl I told you about.”

We shook hands and he said, “Hi, I’m Matt Sturniolo,” but then there was a silence between us until Matt asked me to sit down beside him, and Steven drifted off.

“So,” Matt said. “Do you go to school?”

“Yes.”

“What are you, about a junior or senior in high school?”

I blushed and said nothing, not willing to reveal that I was only in the ninth grade.

“Well,” he persisted.

“Ninth.”

Matt looked confused. “Ninth what?”

“Grade,” I whispered.

“Ninth grade,” he said and started laughing. “Why, you’re just a baby.”

“Thanks,” I said curtly. Not even Matt Sturniolo had the right to say that to me.

“Well. Seems the little girl has spunk,” he said, laughing again, amused by my response. He gave me that charming smile of his, and all my resentment just melted away.

We made small talk for a while longer. Then Matt got up and walked over to the piano and sat down. The room suddenly grew silent. Everyone’s eyes were focused on him as he began to entertain us.

He sang “Rags to Riches” and “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” and then with his friends singing harmony, “End of the Rainbow.” He also did a Jerry Lee Lewis impersonation, pounding the keys so hard that a glass of water he’d set on the piano began sliding off. When Matt caught it without missing a beat of the song, everyone laughed and applauded except me. I was nervous. I glanced around the room and saw an intimidating life-size poster of a half-nude model on the wall. She was the last person I wanted to see, with her fulsome body, pouting lips, and wild mane of tousled hair. Imagining Matt’s taste in women, I felt very young and out of place.

I glanced up and saw Matt trying to get my attention. I noticed that the less response I showed, the more he began singing just for me. I couldn’t believe that Matt Sturniolo was trying to impress me.

Later, he asked me to come into the kitchen, where he introduced me to his grandmother, Minnie Mae Sturniolo, who stood by the stove, frying a huge pan of bacon. As we sat down at the table, I told Matt I wasn’t hungry. Actually I was too nervous to eat.

“You’re the first girl I’ve met from the States in a long time,” Matt said, as he began devouring the first of five gigantic bacon sandwiches, each one smothered with mustard. “Who are the kids listening to?”

I laughed. “Are you kidding?” I said. “Everyone listens to you.”

Matt seemed unconvinced. He asked me a lot of questions about Fabian and Ricky Nelson. He told me he was worried about how his fans would accept him when he returned to the States. Since he’d been away, he hadn’t made any public appearances or movies, although he’d had five hit singles, all recorded before he’d left.

It felt like we’d just begun talking when Steven came in and pointed to his watch. I had dreaded that moment; the evening had gone so fast. It seemed I had just arrived and now I was being hurried away. Matt and I had just started to get to know each other. I felt like Cinderella, knowing that when my curfew came, all this magic would end. I was surprised when Matt asked Steven if I could possibly stay longer. When Steven explained the agreement with my father, Matt casually suggested that maybe I could come by again. Though I wanted to more than anything in the world, I didn’t really believe it would happen.

a/n - thoughts on this story so far? all the fashion and technology and things is still based in the time period its set in but i promise it gets better as the story goes on! i know the age gap is crazy but back in the day it was normal and its the age gap in Priscilla’s book so i just stuck with it. I in no way support this at all🎀

Excerpt from: "Elvis and Me" by Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. Scribd.

This material may be protected by copyright.

[stardustandash]

woke up with this thought in my brain and can’t go back to sleep, so fuck it TBB at Disneyland headcanons:

-Omega: wants to go on every ride and see the parades and fireworks. A little overwhelmed by the crowds but with her brothers there she can kinda ignore all the people around. Especially likes Adventureland & Frontierland. She absolutely loves the rollercoasters and thrill rides, but is still charmed by all the gentle story rides as well. Though she’s maybe a touch old for it, seeing the characters walking in the parks has her mesmerized and while shy about it definitely wants to meet a few of them and get the pictures with the characters and her brothers. She insists on picking out a photo album for the trip at one of the gift shops. Favourite ride is definitely Smugglers Run, but only when she and Tech get to pilot together. Runner up is Space Mountain.

-Hunter: wears earplugs to not be overwhelmed by everything around him. Is stressed about the potential of losing Omega in the crowd the whole time. He does enjoy the story rides, with the exception of Small World where it’s the same loud song over and over again. He definitely buys them all matching shirts in case they get separated and has the Disney Dad cargo shorts/fanny pack going on. Definitely insists on some afternoon downtime away from the park so that Omega can keep having a good time without getting exhausted. Will buy Omega anything she asks for and is just here to make sure she has a good time. Favourite ride is Pirates as it’s dark and cool and relatively gentle.

-Wrecker: absolutely loves Disneyland just for the experience of being there. Loves the way each area feels separate from each other and insists it’s magic (and refuses to listen to Tech explain anything). Insists he and Omega try the specialty churros from every cart. Puts Omega on his shoulders so she has a good view of the parades. He doesn’t fit in all the rides, especially the older ones, but absolutely loves the thrill rides alongside Omega (with the exception of Guardians as he doesn’t like the drop ride sensation as it feels like he’s falling). His favourite though has to be the Cars Racers.

-Crosshair: pretends to not be enamoured with the place the whole time. Grumps about wait times and the amount of people. Absolutely is scanning the crowd the whole time for any potential threats to Omega. Does drop the facade when on one of the midway rides where he becomes hyper competitive and into it. Pretends not to be affected by the thrill rides but shrieks in terror the whole time the ride is running. He is keeper of the backpack full of healthy snacks, water bottles, and sunscreen, which he insists on reapplying to Omega’s face after every ride. Favourite ride is Astro blasters

-Echo: he’s just happy to be there, goes along with everything Omega wants to do and is chill about it the whole time. He’s the one reminding them all to eat real meals instead of just junk food all day. He does insist on Omega getting a pair of ears, and doing the classic Disney experiences like meeting a character and doing the castle photo op. He definitely buys her a plush at some point during the day and is happy to hold it for her when she’s eating sticky snacks with Wrecker. Definitely has the wet ones and hand sanitizer in his bag. Favourite ride is Jungle Cruise for the jokes.

-Tech: has the days planned down to the second through the app. Is in charge of all lightning lanes and dining and is absolutely gaming the system. In fact, he’s probably hacked the app with how many lightning lanes they seem to be getting. He definitely gets Omega to build a droid, with a lot of input from himself on the best possible build. Also enjoys the thrill rides, but is definitely mentally going over the safety points of each ride while they’re in the line (and sometimes discussing the gruesome details of similar rides failing). He’s secretly planned princess dining for Omega, as well as character breakfasts. His favourite ride is Rise of the Resistance for the technological marvel of it, but Soaring is also good.

[awildeternity]

Kendrick Lamar vs Drake, my own little rant

FIRST OFF, THIS HAS CREATED SOME OF THE MOST IMMACULATE MUSIC I'VE EVER LISTENED TO. I AM VIBRATING AND NOT MANAGING TO CALM DOWN, SO I'M GOING TO RANT ABOUT IT. There's so much background to this. Drake was the one to originally put Kendrick on the world stage. Kendrick was literally an opener for one of Drake's tours back in 2012. That was before Section.80, which was Kendrick's first real studio album, and even then it was more of a mixtape at the time. So, Drake and K-dot were always basically involved with one another. However, while I don't know all of the background to it, I'm pretty sure Drake has been taking shots at literally like half of the rap game for the past few years. Future, A$AP Rocky, Kanye, and obviously Kendrick a couple of times. Saying that his first big hit was basically because of Drake, and that he kept doing features with big artists like Rihanna (LOYALTY.) and SZA (All the Stars). This all leads to a lot of bullshit recently. I'm not EXACTLY sure on the timeline (Feel free to correct me if there is anything wrong), but there are a couple of notable events, notably Drake using a *AI VOICE OF TUPAC* in a song (which led to him getting a cease and desist and a LOT of heat because, well, obviously.) Kendrick accuses him of being a culture vulture, basically trying to appropriate the Black US culture that he did not grow up with. LET'S REMEMBER DRAKE WAS ORIGINALLY BORN IN A GATED COMMUNITY FOR WHITE PEOPLE IN TORONTO. HE HAS NEVER BEEN "HOOD", NEVER LIVED THROUGH GANG VIOLENCE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. HE STEALS ACCENTS TO SEEM LIKE HE BELONGS AND BASICALLY APPROPRIATES THE CULTURE LIKE A BITCH. I'm pretty sure J.Cole also dropped a song that called himself, Drake and Kendrick the "Big 3" of the Rap Game, to which Kendrick responded in Like That by saying "Fuck the Big 3, [] it's just big me." which obviously means that he considers himself a step above both of them. That's basically when we get to the most recent stuff, and the MEAT of the topic. Drake drops Push Ups. It is some tame shit, let's be honest with ourselves. That song calls out the fact that Drake "handed" Kendrick his first number one hit, which, yeah, he kind of did, but whatever. There's picks at Kendrick's height, his foot size, the fact that his label TOP DOG takes 50% (Hence the lyrics "drop and give me 50" and the push ups title, dropping a song and giving TPE 50% of the profits) Also calling K-dot "wiped down" by more popular artists like SZA, Travis Scott and 21 Savage. Also weirdly enough taking a shot at Metro, a producer that had worked with Kendrick on Like That, but like, why??? AND THEN. FOR A FEW WEEKS, KENDRICK SAYS NOTHING. ON TUESDAY OF THIS WEEK, THOUGH, HE DROPS THE ABSOLUTE BOMB THAT IS EUPHORIA. Euphoria is the title of Drake's show he co-produced that got a bunch of heat for having some weird sexualisation of teenage girls, which is already a pretty good hit, but the LYRICS THEMSELVES. KENDRICK LITERALLY CALLS OUT DRAKE ON SO MANY THINGS. Talking about how he's not a rap artist but a scam artist that wants to be accepted (culture vulture, again), talking about the Tupac shit with "I'd rather do that than let a Canadian [] make Pac turn in his grave", once again calling out Drake being fucking CANADIAN and trying to appropriate the culture. Also making a reference to YMW Kelly and calling Drake and J.Cole his "friends" (YMW Kelly murdered two of his friends, hence why that is a diss and not a compliment.) I have to comment on the absolute HATE FEST too. "I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk, I hate the way that you dress I hate the way that you sneak diss, if I catch flight, it's gon' be direct We hate the bitches you fuck 'cause they confuse themself with real women And notice, I said "we," it's not just me, I'm what the culture feelin'"

[steinwayandhissons]

arctic monkeys and every time the word ‘love’ is mentioned

whatever people say I am that’s what I’m not

tonight there’ll be some love, tonight there’ll be a ruckus yeah regardless of what’s gone before

~ view from the afternoon

oh there ain’t no love, no montagues or capulets

~ i bet you look good on the dancefloor

all that’s left is the proof that love’s not only blind but deaf… yeah I’d love to tell you all my problem

~ fake tales of san francisco

she makes a subtle proposition, I’m sorry love I’ll have to turn you down

~ when the sun goes down

lady, where has your love gone, i was looking but can’t find it anywhere, they always offer when there’s loads of love around but when you’re short of some it’s nowhere to be found

~ no buses

well how can you wake up with someone you don’t love and not feel slightly phased by it

~ leave before the lights come on

favourite worst nightmare

it’s wrong wrong wrong but we’ll do it anyway cause we love a bit of trouble

~ balaclava

and those dreams weren’t as daft as they seem, aren’t as daft as they seem my love

~ fluorescent adolescent

there’s room for the trouble and there’s lovers to be had

~ this house is a circus

it’d be a big mistake for you to wait and let me waste your time, really love it’s fine, I said really love it’s fine

~ the bad thing

old yellow bricks, love’s a risk… houdini love you don’t know what you’re running away from

~ old yellow bricks

another roll around and another push and shove, further away from the idea of love

~ da frame 2r

the more you keep on looking the more it’s hard to take, love we’re in stalemate… you’re slacking love where have you been

~ the bakery

am I too quick to assume that the love is no longer in bloom

~ too much to ask

humbug

i had a hole in the pocket of my favourite coat and my love dropped into the lining

~ i haven’t got my strange

suck it and see

i wanna feel your love brick by brick

~ brick by brick

do you still feel love is a laserquest or do you take it all more seriously… when I’m not being honest I pretend that you were just some lover

~ love is a laserquest

your love is like a studded leather headlock

~ suck it and see

jealousy in technicolour, fear by name, love by numbers… crushing up a bundle of love

~ that’s where you’re wrong

before she showed you how to shake love’s steady hand

~ the blonde o sonic shimmer trap

your love’s not what I need, so don’t give it to me

~ evil twin

am

it’s not like I’m falling in love I just want you to do me no good… the look of love, the rush of blood

~ no.1 party anthem

love buckles under the strain of those wild nights

~ mad sounds

I heard that you fell in love, or near enough

~ snap out of it

love like locked horns, love like dominoes… love like thunder, love like falling snow

~ electricity

I know you’re nothing like mine cause she’s walking on sunshine and your love would tear us apart

~ you’re so dark

tranquility base hotel and casino

love came in a bottle with a twist off cap, let’s all have a swig and do a hot lap… but it’s alright, cause you love me

~ star treatment

when true love takes a grip it leaves you without a choice

~ golden trunks

pattern language in the mood for love

~ the world’s first ever monster truck front flip

I wanna stay with you my love, the way some science fiction does

~ science fiction

the dawn won’t stop weighing a tonne, I’ve done some things that I shouldn’t have done, but I haven’t stopped loving you once

~ the ultracheese

the car

lights out on the wonder park, your saw toothed lover boy was quick off the mark

~ jet skis on the moat

put your heavy metal to the test, there might be half a love song in it all for you

~ mr schwartz

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

I don’t think any of the forthcoming vaults will recontextualize the album in quite the same way that Red’s vault did.

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

I’ve been thinking about “You’re On Your Own, Kid” and about “I hosted parties and starved my body like I’d be saved by the perfect kiss,” and how that beyond the literal events in the line, it also refers to the larger issue at that time of her life presumably during the Red-1989 eras.

How she did everything that was expected of her as a person existing in this society and in her industry specifically: abided by social norms, always presenting herself as prim and perfect and poised and never letting cracks show, following along with accepted behaviours of her social circle as a marker of acceptance and success and adulthood, while also contorting herself into impossible beauty standards, causing real physical and psychological harm to herself in the process, expecting that by doing all these, she’d Make It. (Very mirrorball-coded.)

Checking these boxes would give her the magic key to acceptance and satisfaction and happiness, like acing a test, and as we all know now (and by her own admission later), there was no “perfect kiss” e.g. fairytale ending to save her — in fact the opposite happened due to a confluence of events and she crashed. (Then rebuilt herself)

Not to parasocialize on main, but it also makes me think of the time that Midnights was written, and how it also reflected that time in her life in other ways. How in the wake of all the major successes of 2020-2021 — folklore and evermore’s wild acclaim, the Grammys recognition, her re-records taking off, the renewed love for Red and the massive popularity of “All Too Well TV” — she was winning accolades left and right and sitting on top of the world professionally, but we now know that emotionally (and physically tbh) she was wasting away in some respects, as we later find out from songs like “You’re Losing Me,” and inferences from recent interviews. Once again twisting herself in knots to fit into some set of standards/beliefs, whether of her own making or of those around her, so that she could somehow make it work and achieve what she felt she wanted. (Thinking now about how her being starved for presence/attention/affection/support from a partner during that time may have manifested itself in a whole host of ways.)

Not to put words in her or anyone’s mouths, but it very much feels to me like she was thinking, if she was professionally successful while personally making herself as small as possible (take that any way you want), everything would somehow magically work itself out and she’d keep the love she craved so deeply. (And like, not just from her partner, but maybe even in general.)

I know everyone grasps onto the “starved my body” line because it was such a shocking, literal admission at the time the song came out, and for good reason, but it’s always struck me about being about a much larger issue, and now that we’re getting all this “lore” about the writing of the album, I think it adds further context and food for thought. (Whoever said that “You’re Losing Me” touches on just about every song on Midnights in a way, you’re a genius.)

[itspileofgoodthings]

I love the rhyming on ttpd. can only think of two examples currently but I know there’s more.

[soapcan18]

OH MY GOSH GUYS I’M GOING CRAZY THERE’S A PERFECT SONG CONNECTION IN SOAP

So you know this lyric at the end of Notos?

“Da da da da you gotta let go”

IN SOAP THEY SAY:

“But your sums and your pieces

Are enough to make you whole

You gotta let go”

ITS A DIRECT LYRICAL REFERENCE TO NOTOS AHHH

I love this so much because Notos is the narrator realizing their mistakes and taking that first step towards change!

And in Soap, the narrator is trying to help their partner embrace change, so they’re teaching them the same lesson they learned wayyy at the beginning of their journey!

Not to mention Notos is the start of the Anemoi EPs and Zephyrus is the end, adding even further onto the cycle motif repeated throughout all four albums :)

[lobotomyladylives]

Thoughts on this album?

99% of my swiffer behavior is also confined to r*ddit (why are you guys making me admit this twice in one day) & it will remain that way for various reasons. I will say I have no idea why she made that snore of a song the lead single/paired it with such an aesthetically interesting video.

[masonjarcollector]

My Favorite Lines From Each Song on TMM

(Because I can and because this is one of my favorite activities to do)

"I wish I was God! I'd never trip up! And if I did, well so fuckin' what!?"

"I"m better off a stick. I'm better off a stone! I'm better off a jerk. I'm better off alone!"

"I spent last night blowing up my life, now you won't see me again"

"I'm MUCH too dumb!"

"I wanna be big like my plans...so why am I so tiny and why am I so mad? It's Inertia—"

"I can't have sex and we both get quiet"

"There's a hole in the bottom of my brain, but when you love me the hole goes away"

"Getting a life's a little like dying"

"Acapulco, Tel Aviv, and maybe Japan. And pretty people yell at me to follow the dance"

"I'm quite aware I'll never write a cool song :/"

"We won't cry about it, no we'll be manly men"

"You gotta get better you're all that I've got! But don't take forever you're not here for long! I've gotta get better, I'm all that I've got! For two or three minutes then I'm gone."

[yellowloid]

hey! i was sort of reading “something to rely on” lyrics, and i remembered that you analyse some of miles, monkeys and tlsp songs. so, i just wanted to ask what are your thoughts on this song, cause i particularly think it’s about alex or some of it. anyway, other songs from cdg can be fully about alex, but barely no one talks about this one, so i thought it’d be great to discuss about it.

there’s also “adios tara tara” that i also think it’s about alex, as other songs from change the show, but that’s for another time! i also love your blog, your fanfics and song analysis, they’re always really good! 🫶

sooo first of all sorry for being this late lmao this is kinda embarrassing because this ask was sent MONTHS ago maybe almost a year ago it was so long ago i literally don't remember. i'm only just answering now BUT better late than never i guess skgshdfh

(as usual don't take this too seriously lmao this is just a silly theory, i'm in no way implying it's the truth. it's just delusion o'clock)

now, if you follow me you know what i think of coup de grace as an album - and that is, the fact that it's soooo about alex it's crazy like. bro was so angry and in love and heartbroken????? and he wrote a literal masterpiece of an album????? that's iconic if you ask me

so to no one's surprise, let's follow the usual theory - them having some sort of falling out after eycte because of miles getting serious and alex consequently chickening out, which led to Peak Gay Drama Year, also known as 2018, when they both release albums that - more or less explicitly - contain images that could easily be interpreted as references to each other. something to rely on is no exception:

"crescent moon, left in my drive / all too soon, you made your point"

the reference to the moon creates a pattern, since the semantic field of astral entities is also present in songs such as killing the joke, with "interstellar, dressed in leather, drinking bitter boy" - which as we all know is one of miles' most direct lines when it comes to referencing alex, and it can easily be linked to am's own space-themed album, which miles definitely got to listen before its official release date.

opening the song with a reference to the moon could be a way of @ a certain someone, letting him know that yes, this song *is* in fact about him, if he didn't get the other billion hints in the whole album. (however, for the sake of keeping it vague, i won't be referring to him directly but rather to a ~mysterious person~) (i'm sure you get my point tho *wink wink*) [gunshots]

mentioning the moon could also be a way of referencing the ever-present theme of nighttime encounters in the entirety of mk/am/tlsp's discography: sometimes those encounters are described as fun, sometimes they mean trouble; sometimes, they leave the people involved with a sense of guilt and/or shame, on which we'll come back later and which often leads to bad decisions ("all too soon, you made your point"). in this particular case, the first image that comes to my mind is someone leaving sneakily after a (series of) one-night stands, with the song obviously being from the pov of the person being left, who also gives us a reason why they think the other person left:

"keeping off the radar, how does that make you feel? / keeping it clean, through all the things you wanted me to be / out of touch, with all the rumors i keep hearing of you / keeping off the radar, how does that make you feel?"

this person doesn't seem to want other people to know about their affair, and that's why they keep it secret; it seems that they want miles to be something he's not, or something he can't be - or maybe they ask all these things of themselves, which would maybe make it easier for them to accept the relationship going public. this person wants to keep it neat and clean, picture-perfect and fitting to everything everyone expects from them; but as much as they try to stay lowkey and not attract attention, the narrator informs us that no matter how much this person tries to hide, there's still rumors going around about them, as an individual as well as their relationship(s) with other people, most likely with the narrator too.

"all aboard the guilt train / last call before we leave / last call before we learn to love / the last call before we leave"

the line referring to guilt is insanely queer-coded and i will die on this hill because it just SCREAMS internalised homophobia, with which the other person might be struggling. it wouldn't make sense otherwise - because what would that person feel guilty about, if it were a straight-passing relationship? unless it was a cheating situation, of course... but it could be a cheating situation AND also a queer one, with this person being in another (het) relationship while having a same-sex lover (the narrator), which would give that line a double explanation. also every time i listen to this song i just can't help but think about 'all aboard the kane train' WHAT WHO SAID THAT

however, the narrator tells us that this is the "last call before we leave" - meaning, he's giving this person an ultimatum to make up their mind and decide if they want to be with him for real or not, since the latter possibility would result in him leaving - not necessarily for good, but... just trying to get over that person once and for all. at the same time, though, it's also the "last call before we learn to love" - which is incredibly soft imo, because it's him still putting trust and hope into that person and a positive decision on their part. he believes they will eventually choose to be with him, he hopes for it and trusts the other person to make the right decision, which would lead to them being together and learning how to love each other without limits nor second-guesses. the repetition of the leaving line could also be seen as a way for him to give it a new meaning compared to the first one: if they ended up together, they could leave that world based on nasty rumors and appearances, ignoring them all to just be happy together. because, after all, miles declares it openly:

"you're all that i wanted / all that i need / you're all that i wanted / you're all that i need"

i mean. does this even need an explanation. bro is down BAD

"something to rely on / something to get high on / i don't want to beg or steal, i don't want to borrow hearts / i just want to make it real / something to rely on / the making of a mystery, wishing on a falling star / i don't want to let this sadness rule my heart / your actions from the start / in spite of me insightfully inviting me to fall apart"

i left the chorus last because imo it captures perfectly the whole vibe of the song and what i think is miles' outlook on life in general: the narrator wants something stable and secure, an established relationship with the other person; he doesn't want to have to beg and argue and make it more complicated than it probably already is, he doesn't want to be a pastime or just some lover. he wants something thrilling and intense, almost addictive - but most importantly, he wants something real. this complicated situation with the other person is making them both suffer, and the other person's behaviour doesn't make it any easier; but in spite of everything, and in spite of his sense of self-preservation, he still finds himself unable and unwilling to resist them, to let them go for good. and no matter how self-destructive this might be, he doesn't want to be ruled by negative emotions; he's already fallen for them, too deep to even consider letting them go. he just keeps falling, and yeah, the outcome of their situationship might still be a mystery, but he chooses to be hopeful - "wishing on a falling star", bringing the song to a circular end by mentioning other astral entities that inevitably remind us of the "crescent moon" that opens the song. which also evokes the idea of circularity that is typical of situationships like the one described here, where the moment he seems to have made up his mind (or maybe the other person finally did?) it's like rinse and repeat, and once again they're back to square one.

[mooremars]

Generally I think the 2023 Camelot cast recording does a very good job of conveying the onstage vibe of pretty much all the songs with the dialouge snippets. However in my heart of hearts I truly believe the Simple Joys of Maidenhood feels incomplete without the moment of Arthur realizing Guenevere has run away and right to him after she sings her intro. I'm sure I could choose many hills to die on for cast recording opinions but apparently the one I feel the most is a particularly good delivery of the word shit.