#so much so i wish id never need to eat to live again

[viovio]

ok well I'm not gonna eat dinner per usual cuz they put the rice away and moms gonna be so mad if i made anything else or ate bc it's late at night and she wants to go to bed even though I'll clean it. i just fucking hate when i cook something instant like iKNOW that's unhealthy but would you rather I'd make a full course fucking meal? you rather i cook eggs and clean the pan too? do you wanna comment on everything i do and how it's unhealthy? how i oversleep? how i never do my homework why I'm constantly sluggish why i skip meals?

[atwingeofcringe]

Little Bear

A/N: i know i said id write a cuddly morning with jason but this one kinda skipped to the front of my brain 😅

Summary: You hide something that Jason loves in an effort to spend more time with him.

Pairing: Jason Voorhees x Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1,070

🪓

Jason likes to stick to a routine. Wake up before the sun rises, get ready, eat, kiss you, then leave for most of the day to check his traps if they need fixing, moving, or if some unlucky soul got caught in one. All of this before you wake up. It was very rare to wake up and see Jason still home. The only times you’re able to catch him before he leaves is if you wake up early enough, yuck, or if he slept in, which, again, is rare. You know he’s just making sure that his land and you are safe but… you missed him.

You never knew when he’d return home. Sometimes it was very late, other times you wouldn’t see him for a couple days if he was having any kind of trouble. Sometimes you wished he’d just stay home and spend time with you, just forget about trespassers for a bit. That may be asking too much though.

But, today you had a plan. Well, really, you thought of it last night. You felt a little bad but also you couldn’t help but giggle as you pretended not to not notice Jason shuffling from room to room, searching for something.

Jason had already been set behind in his routine when he woke up with you sleeping fully on top of him, your face buried in his chest. He thought it was sweet and didn’t want to wake you so he allowed himself to stay until you woke up. Now, he was searching high and low for an item he hated being without. It was a crudely carved figuring in the shape of a small bear. You made it for him when he was teaching you about whittling. At first you were embarrassed about how it looked and wanted to throw it away and try again, but Jason insisted on keeping it anyway and hardly parted with it since.

You touched the heart shaped necklace hanging around your neck as you thought about that memory and smiled. Jason made you the heart trinket and carved both of your initials into it. You loved it as much as he loved that ugly little bear you made. Eventually, you turned it into a necklace so you’d never lose it.

Speaking of losing something, Jason tapped your shoulder and spun around, looking up at him. He shoved his hand into his jacket pocket and turned it inside out, showing that his beloved bear was no longer in there. He knows he had it when he got home, because he checked, but not sure what happened after that.

“I’m sorry, Jay, I haven’t seen it.” You shook your head and gave him a sympathetic pat on his arm. His shoulders slumped and he sighed, finally feeling defeated. It broke your heart a little seeing him like that. “I can help you look if you want!” You offered happily.

Jason looked over his shoulder put the window. It’s getting later in the morning and he might not have time finish his tasks before the day ends. Still, he didn’t want to leave without the bear trinket and turned back to you, nodding yes.

You spent another couple hours helping him. He’d tap you on the shoulder if you were looking in a place he already checked. When you were sure a room had been fully searched he’d huff and move on to the next. The only place left was the living room. He checked behind his favorite chair and then turned to see you bent over, checking under the couch.

His brow raised behind his mask as his eyes landed on a small lump in your back pocket. It was the exact same size and shape as his bear. Jason rolled his eyes and shook his head and walked over to you. He couldn’t believe you had been hiding it from him this entire time.

A tap on your shoulder interrupted your search and you stood up. “Did you find it?” You asked, trying to sound hopeful.

He wanted to be snarky and say yes, then pull it out of your pocket. But, he thought of something else to get you back. He slumped his shoulders again and shook his head no, then turned towards the door, signaling he had to go. He definitely wasn’t getting much done today.

“I’m sorry, Jason.” You hugged him. “I’ll keep an eye out for it ok?”

He nodded, hugging you back. You leaned up to kiss him goodbye but he moved to turn back towards the door at the last second, making you miss him entirely. It surprised you and you stood there with a look of stun and confusion as he left. As soon as he got to the bottom of the stairs he started counting down in his head.

3, 2, 1…

You flung open the door and yelled at him. “I don’t get a kiss goodbye?!”

Jason stopped on his tracks and faced you. You jogged down the steps and up to him with an offended expression. He lifted his mask, revealing his smug smile.

The heat a blush warmed your cheeks. “W-what?” Uh-oh, he knows! “Can’t I just have a kiss before you go?”

Jason stuck out his hand and waited. You rolled your eyes but couldn’t hold back your smile. The bear was removed from your back pocket and gently placed into Jason’s giant palm, making it look smaller that it really was.

“Can I have a kiss now?” You asked, hopeful.

With that he pulled you into him and pressed his lips to yours.

“I’m sorry!” You said shamefully when you pulled away. “I just miss you so much when you’re gone all day so I wanted to spend more time with you.” You looked down at your feet feeling bad about what you did. You know how much he loves that bear.

Hearing you say that made Jason feel bad now. He frowned and cupped your face, his thumb lightly caressing your cheek. Another kiss was pressed to your forehead as a way of saying ‘I’m sorry.’

The day was already half over and he knows he won’t be able to get much done now anyway. Without another thought Jason scooped you up, making you let out a surprised gasp that formed into a fit giggles, and brought you back into the cabin.

Today he’s all yours.

[offbrandkyoya]

74 Better luck next time

previous | masterlist | next

With your boyfriend and friends touring around the world, you are all alone. You kept yourself busy with college work and the art competition. You even went to hang with Lumine like olds times. However, it didn’t feel right. You miss the boys, you miss Scaramouche.

You let out a long sigh and laid your head on the table. You’re at the twins place and eating dinner with Lumine. The blonde raises a brow, “Now what?” “I miss my boyfriend…” You pout and she hits your head with her fist. “You’ll see him soon! Now eat or I’ll feed it to the rats outside!” You rubbed your head before taking a nibble of your food.

“Why don’t you call him?” She suggests but that just makes you even more sad. “I’ve tried like a hundred times but he’s busy. I’ve left him almost a 100 voicemails!” Lumine shakes her head. “Yn, you’re miserable.” You frown, “It’s true love!” Lumine gives you a look of sympathy. “I know this might sound mean but if you can’t handle being away from Scaramouche then maybe you should take some time away from him.” You sit up properly with a confused expression.

“Take some time away? You mean I should break up with him?” Lumina nods slowly and your brows furrowed. “I’m not going to do that! I’ll be okay. WE’RE okay! Everything’s perfect. He’s just…really super…duper….busy…….” Your voice fades and Lumine sighs, “I don’t know, Yn. I’m worried for you. You’re always so sad. Long distance isn’t for everyone you know so don’t force yourself to do this. I’m sure Scaramouche will understand.” You abruptly stand up causing her to flinch.

“Thank you for the food, Lumine but I’m going to head home.” “Yn-“ You grab your coat and dash out the door in tears. ‘She doesn’t get it. She’s never been in love.’ You get in your car and sit there for awhile. The thought of breaking up with Scaramouche makes you shiver. You can’t do that. He needs you, he needs you a lot. You begin to drive back to your apartment. Once arriving, you enter your home, and head straight to your bedroom.

You kick your shoes off and plopped right onto your bed. You lay there, staring at your ceiling. “I love you, Scaramouche.” You say out loud. How can you break up with him when he’s already told you he loves you? So what, you guys are a million ways apart? You’re in love! You wiped your eyes, ‘Does Scara think the same?’

You take out your phone and scroll through your Twitter feed. So many fancams of the guys that it’s kind of making you uncomfortable. There’s one thing you didn’t like and it was seeing Xiao with his broken leg. You’re still pissed he was forced to perform but there is nothing you can do. You liked almost all of Scaramouche’s fancams but not so much that it’s suspicious. Your heart flutters seeing his pretty face and you smile. You couldn’t wait to see them live.

Unfortunately, you don’t have enough to buy a ticket. You’re kind of poor and tours are expensive. You barely made it on their last one and it ended up a shit show. You lay your phone on your chest and sigh. “I’m tired.” Your phone starts to vibrate and you see the caller ID. “Albedo? He must’ve ran out of paint.” You stay in your position and answer, “Hello?” But you were met with panic coming from the man’s voice. “Yn, please come. Right now.” You sit up, “Okay, I’ll be there.”

Hurriedly, you left your home again and decided you’d run to the building where the art competition is at. You didn’t know what happened but hearing Albedos frighten voice made you worry. You see the building and sped up a bit more. You were out of breathe but you didn’t stop running. You slam the door open, “Albedo! What’s wrong-“ You froze. You stand there in disbelief and anguish. Albedo stood next to you in sorrow. “I’m sorry, Yn. I-“ You started to walk slowly to your painting, pushing pass the crowd that huddled over it.

You wished this was a dream but it wasn’t. Your painting that you’ve worked hard on, that you wanted to surprise Scaramouche with was ruined. It was covered with black ink and different colored splotches of cool colors. You noticed water was dripping down as well with pencil scratches on…

You grit your teeth and, in a flash, grab hold of your canvas and smash it into the ground. You begin to stomp on the painting, breaking it entirely. Albedo rushes to you, pulling your arms. “Yn! Please stop!” You shake him off and cried, falling to your knees. “Why?! Why would someone do this?!” You screamed and covered your face. Albedo kneels right next to you and places a hand on your back. “I don’t know. I’m so so sorry.” He wanted to cry too.

“Ln.” You lift your head up and look behind you. It was the instructor, the one behind this competition. “I’m sorry this has happened. Unfortunately, we can’t really catch the culprit since we don’t have any cameras.” “Bullshit! This is all bullshit!” You replied. “I was almost done! This ain’t fair!” The lady raises her hand. “I understand but there’s nothing we can do. I highly doubt you can create a piece in just a few days before the deadline.” Your eyes widen, “W-Wha-“ “I advise you step down from the competition. It’s for the best.” Your whole world shatters.

You shove Albedo out of your hold and run out of the building, hearing everyone’s whispers about you. You ran and ran and ran with tears flowing. You shakily open the apartment door and head in, running to your room. The first thing you do is sit on your bed and take out your phone, dialing your boyfriends number. “Please leave a message after-“ You bit your lip and dial again. “Please leave-“ You scream and harshly press the numbers once more. “Yn?” You gasp, “Scara! Finally! Listen I-“ “Yn, can you call me another time?” Instantly, you shut your mouth. “I’m sorry but I really have to go. Nows not a good time but I’ll call you when I’m free, okay?”

You grip your phone. “Yn? Yn, can you hear-“ You hang up and throw your phone to your bedroom door. You cry even harder and hide under your covers. “This can’t be happening!” You shout in between tears. You never hated yourself even more than now.

- HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

- I’ve been super busy with school I’m sorry

- anyways we’re saur back

🏷️ @sakiimeo @coquettemaiden @rmiyuki @kur44pika @theblueblub @jxxji0309 @dreamsofminnie @ohmyfinggod @redactedhimbo @kunisbeloved @akagism2 @sketcheeee @thefandomcrow @beriiov @thenightsflower @yukiipc @scaraapologist @scarletttcroww @samyayaya @crucnhice @monaypo1 @feiherp @myaaones @warcelia @hangecanweholdhands @yuminako @valiryyz @screechingxiaolover @tiddieshakeshownu @ilovechuuyaa @d4y-dr3am3r @dazaisfavgf @swivy123 @ganyusbrideee @sagegreenthinks @the-left-glove @wonderland-fan @kylexzz @kaoyamamegami @whycantscarabereal @rvoulte @eunchaeluvr @lxkeeeee @silvermah @baby-bread-in @yelleloww @magica-ren @itzblazekun @im-inlovewithy0u @featuredtofu @anastaxiah @ask-aph-tanzania @drmyday @what-just-happened-huh @xtobefreex @v4lerixxq @duckyyyx @hannoahs-third-eyelash @brain-r0tt

[azumasoroshi]

minidura chapter 11 react

ok i found chapter 11 translated by amnemonie on tumblr (thank you thank you thank you and if you want me to take this down i will!!) but there's no guarantee ill be able to find the rest lmAOo we'll see

HOT MAN!!! HOT MAN

i mean what no pathetic sopping wet man

cat face izaya i thought id never see you again

man after realizing there's a minidura tag i saw a post that was like "i wish minidura got animated like bsd wan" and like. YEAH. PLEASE

it would be the perfect revival of the durarara fandom pleaseeeeeee do it for meeeeeeee we could revive durarara like we revived trigun

and i need shizuo izaya and shinra cooking together being animated. please

anyway izaya looks like he really doesnt wanna be here in that last panel and i mildly spoiled myself on the comments/reblogs saying this one is really mean to izaya which you know i live for. [cracks knuckles] i hope he gets hit by a truck but like an emotional one because that's the only one he'd really react to

oh god he's more pathetic than i thought he'd be

they're really looking at him like "damn bitch you good" which is fair

bro summoned up all his courage to ask 😭rip bozo

??????????? THEY TOLD YOU HE'D BE WITH THEM

izaya simultaneously has the best social skills known to man and the WORST social skills known to man

ill never stop bringing this up but. now presenting orihara "i love humans because they're so unpredictable" izaya getting fucked by humans' predictability everybody

and here we see izaya walking awkwardly in his natural habitat, trying to eat cake with high schoolers /j

kadota casually calling out izaya on his bullshit bkgjdSGKHDSHds

he just wants to eat cakeeeee someone go with him

not me though i wouldnt be caught dead with that man

i swear walker's face gets longer every time i see him and it tickles me so much

aaaand cue shizuo on stage right

god bless erika for suggesting that he invite shizuo cuz id have done it myself

also "just today". are you implying that you want to see shizuo every other day. izaya.

WAIT

WAIT IS TODAY IZAYA'S BIRTHDAY

OH

oh my god thats actually sad okay

id say to ask namie but namie probably rejected him already without even letting him finish the question bkfdgjhgf

shinra keeping up the stupid anniversaries trend from that other chapter we love a consistent malewife

man shiki he wasnt even here for work 😭 at least he got some food although karasumi does not look that good if im being honest

at least compared to cake

shinraaaa you FORGOTTTT

may 4th is the date of my statistics exam but i swear ill celebrate it for you izaya. ill even mark it down on my calendar

oh 💀 namie is as delusional as i am. love that for her

he's even singing to himself ohhhhh poor baby...(i say this as if i'm not grinning wildly to myself in my room rn)

i swear i feel bad for him but he's so fun to bully

man i remember those fics where shizuo was the only one to remember izaya's birthday bgkjhfdgfd i guess those were founded from somewhere (even if his gifts were things like 'not chasing him today' or sending him black roses)

oh my god 😭 he's so desperate at this point i didnt think he'd actually be happy to see shizu-chan

even grabbing him by the arms bkgdssdkahdskjhgsdsd

this is gonna end badly though if the comments/reblogs i read have anything to say about it

😭yep the izaya bullying is real

SHIZUO NOOOOOOOOOOOO THATS BASICALLY THE WHOLE CAKE

izaya's conscious too 💀 MAN

part of me feels like this is narita's personal revenge against the shizaya fans in his fanbase askdbgskjhsdhgsd shizuo needs to be extra cruel to prove he's not gay

he's so happy to just get birthday textssssss this is so sad

[undertow-story]

PROLOGUE

SACHIEL

I’ve lived in this place for as long as I can remember now. Which is not very long in the scheme of things. I’ve been in the Undertow for at least a year and a half if I had to guess, but time doesn’t feel like it flows quite right down here.

My name is Sachiel… At least, this is the name I’ve given myself based off the ID I found in my pocket upon waking. I seem to have lost all memory of my former self, and given the information I have, I’m not from around here. If that wasn’t obvious enough, then I would have figured it out given the fact I am the only one of my kind.

I wish I knew what my kind was, admittedly. Claws. Fangs… Ears, cropped like that of the common mongrel leashed around by the thugs and bandits in this city. Tail and horns- piercing thin slitted eyes just like the creatures I hunt.

I must be a monster.

Not that it bothers me. It’s the only fathomable explanation I can assume anyway. I however, seem to be the only one capable of speech out of the creatures I’ve encountered so far. In this place, it’s kill or be killed obviously, as we’re overrun with horrific entities I cannot explain.

This world is best emphasized by the word ‘survive’.

Rather, uh… This sector is described that way. Look, I only know so much, but also it makes sense to me to write down the things I do know so far- in case my brain gets smacked around enough again to lose all the knowledge I’ve got.

The area I reside is called The Undertow, or just Undertow depending on who you talk to. We are the filth. Cast out from the glistening lights of the city above- we’re forced to live in the waste and squalor of the wealthy fucks put themselves above us. Our home is lit by neon, and is dark around every corner. Disease, Crime, Violence… it’s all rampant here. I have not yet seen the sun for more than 2 hours at a time. Which is unfortunate because the creatures residing here love the darkness. I feel pity for the people of this place. So many just trying to live their lives, get by…

Banished to this horrible place just because they’re not good enough by the standards of those above.

I don’t know the name of the place above us.

I’m not meant to. None of us are.

I saw it once from the outskirts when I left on a hit. The upper lands glow so blindingly bright, and it’s much smaller in comparison to the dredges below it. I personally don’t understand how they can live, I’d go blind. Y'know, how the pompous types are. They don’t care about us. The only time they need us is when they want someone dead…

Speaking of, that seems to be the case.

On a board bolted to a wall in the middle of a bustling market, Sachiel looks up from his book, closing it and putting it away as he takes a paper off the board, holding it in his rough hand. The paper reads: “Wanted: Hunter for removal of Important Persons, please send applications to xxxxx_xxx-x we await your chance to take on this ‘Golden Opportunity’.”

What specific wording.

“Reward: 10,000,000c”

Whoo, this guy must have really fucked up for them to ask a price like that.

Here, if you’ve got the skill then people will let you take on jobs for them… they generally involve killing. Usually it’s for monsters that rampage and cause destruction in specific sectors that threaten the foundations that hold the upper city aloft. Sometimes you get hits for persons- and other times you get hits for assholes like this. The ones up above.

I registered to be a Hunter some time back… maybe after a month of eating rats on the street. I decided I would rather at least be able to afford a beer here and there- maybe actual food instead of just whatever I could scrounge up. I don’t care to take on hits against persons- they don’t interest me… Humans aren’t fun to hunt. However, this is an awfully good deal. I could actually get an apartment instead of sleeping in whatever nearby dumpster I can find…

Never hurts to try I suppose.

His ears bent back, he headed off deeper into the city, clearly somewhere in mind.

Another day in paradise.

Tch-I gotta stop saying that it’s becoming a habit.

Next

[kitty-thinks-stuff]

MURDER DRONES RAMBLE ‼️spoilers for eps 1-5‼️

i have GOT to talk about this show bc i have soo many thoughts. a lot of this is gonna be rambling about my pet peeves and plot holes and what i wished happen though (keep in mind this is with the knowledge up to episode 5, i havent watched farther than that)

feel free to discuss these points with me!! id love to hear other perspectives on it!! (please dont give me spoilers past episode 5 though!!!)

ALSO! i am in no way saying this is a bad show. its amazing and i cant wait to see more, plus obviously its an indie show and its got a small budget and all that stuff

so far my biggest pet peeves are the fact that the show doesnt seem to take itself seriously enough, and the way uzi is written

the whole "not taking itself seriously" thing REALLY shows in episode 4. the whole time all this super crazy stuff is happening and the jokes just ruin it. take the moment where Rebecca is crawling back to the campfire, LITERALLY CUT IN HALF

this is a BIG moment, scary, suspenseful, all that jazz. and imagine how terrifying and traumatizing it would be to see your friend crawl back to you, NOT IN ONE PIECE

but the moment gets really ruined by the "forgot name. not popular" joke. it makes what couldve been a creepy horror moment into a lame, kind of awkward joke.

then you have the scene where uzi is chasing all the campers. HUGE, RIGHT? i mean shes become this mutated, bird like eldritch horror creature, and shes "lost control of herself", murdering the people she knows (obviously shes not super close with these people but. murder is big no matter what)

this should be TERRIFYING!! its huge dude, uzi is running rampant, murdering and eating robots, scaling the trees!!!

and it just gets. kind of smushed by the jokes.

i will admit, they did a *little* better with this scene. so props to that! but still. ouch.

now onto uzis character

she could be SO complex. i mean imagine living your life hating the murder drones, only to end up becoming friends with one, and then realizing ur actually really similar to them (needing to eat people blah blah), to finding out you have powers, you have to eat robots, all that stuff

and so much of her big character moments are small and shrugged off really quick.

take her powers for example. she learned to use them like. right after she found out she had them

i could get it maybe if they just alluded to maybe her learning? or at least made it to where it was a situation where she HAD to use her powers (a fight scene, maybe a scene where n was gonna get hurt?)

but it was all stuff she could do herself, like picking up papers and opening doors

so i think its safe to say we couldve kept a whole "idk how to use these brand new powers" thing going for an episode or two.

"but they needed her to use her powers so it triggered the over heating" i hear u and that makes sense. however, they couldve kept this!!

so she breaks the mirror, fixes the bug. fixing the bug couldve been an "experimental" moment with her powers (thanks reeses for that idea) instead of smth she just. knew how to do. all of this couldve triggered the over heat. dont forget, shes new to these powers! she might not have built up the "stamina" for it yet, so using it these couple of times might be too much for her

she has the moment with v, blah blah, leave the powers out until the arrow scene. then her powers trigger again! she was about to get hurt, it would make sense. then boom, overheat again (remember, considering shes brand new to these powers, this is a lot!)

she runs away, maybe opens the door with her powers (though its kinda unnecessary, i could kinda see it considering shes got all the adrenaline going)

then we have the murder scene, which ive already talked about

then afterwards, its all resolved REALLY quickly.

murdering people you know, even if you didnt like them/know them, is never easy on anybody. literally the whole reason she hated the murder drones was because they killed her people. and the whole reason she excepted them now, was because they decided to STOP killing people.

but its just kind of a whole "oh well!" situation and it! bothered me!!!

i mean, they couldve gone SOOO many routes with the murder scene.

maybe a scene where n comforts her and helps her through the trauma of killing someone? maybe where the people around her struggle to except her again bc shes changed?

my personal favorite is where n attempts to comfort her because shes killed someone, and she makes a comment along the lines of "im not like you!" (but yk. more hurtful and angsty and close to home for n)

this could further her isolation, which could build on how she might see this new version of herself

it could also open the doors for an uzi/doll interaction where doll tries to reach out and help uzi, making uzi conflicted on what side she should actually be on.

but, i digress

now lets get onto the smaller stuff that doesnt really matter (its really just personal peeves)

i wish we got more on the murder drones being excepted into the worker drone society. this kinda falls under "the show doesnt take itself seriously"

i mean, these drones killed their family and friends but, "oh yeah, they said they wont and now we love them!"

this couldve been really good development for v and n but they just move on so quickly. also they brushed past all those missing campers super quick

i wish we got to see more of lizzy and dolls relationship. why were they close? did lizzy feel conflicted about working with uzi and the others instead of doll? (idk maybe im biased cuz i think doll and lizzy should kiss but thats besides the point)

i think that might be everything!!! ill probably make a more positive post too bc I DID LIKE THIS SHOW!!! its soo silly and im really liking it

[moonlit-positivity]

To have a traumaversary on your birthday of all days is truly the worst experience a human can go through. My birthday has been nothing but a conduit for my mother's anger and an excuse for others to invade my space on her behalf, because for some reason nobody on this Earth could ever fathom that my mother could be an absolute monster to me. And I guess you would never be able to tell unless you were there, for some reason? How physically violent and demeaning and just God awful a person can be when they're drunk and out for blood. So yeah for what its worth today and tomorrow are gonna suck ass for me, just like every year has been since the dawn of time. I've had so many traumatic things happen on my birthday it's just the norm to fully expect crisis and just shut down before anything can touch me. Except for some reason this is the first year I've gone no contact with either parent or family member, so theoretically I should be safe? Lol what the fuck does that mean to a mean drunk with an ego and God complex the size of Texas 🥴 ain't no amount of "boundaries" in the world gonna stop a person like that. She takes and takes and never even gives me a chance to speak. I don't even exist to her as a human being with my own free will. Free will???? She would tell me I'm being disrespectful and that id need to "bow down". And as much as I've been publicly speaking out against the shit she put me through, just makes me even more angry at how my dad & family & society as a whole could NEVER understand the true depths of my fear and paranoia and anger and betrayal- because the mere thought of her knowing I'm "talking back" is enough to put me in a full blown paralysis where I can't even move to use the bathroom anymore. It's insane how people can just go on about their lives on their birthday and not have to shut down or panic and expect the worst case scenario from happening. It's insane to me that there are ppl out there who have never even experienced this type of fear before. What the fuck does that mean?? For me though??? Sometimes I feel like I take two steps forward and then *BAM* hit in the face with another major setback or trigger and then it's right back to step one all over again. I can't even eat anymore. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm getting no rest or help with this at all, except to just lay here and let myself cry and do my best to stay safe through it all. I seriously wish I could unalive myself for at least the next 3-4 days. It's unreal the amt of awareness I have this year is like holy fuck, how the actual fuck have I survived like this. Holy fuck.

[darkjanet2]

Chapter 22: The Sorrow of Sonic's Heart

The next day, they were sent back to Earth safely, the citizen were cheering on them, throwing confetti in their faces and the media had gone wild. Even some press members questioned their involvement with the war and how it would affect relations between humans and alien races. As if this was not bad enough, Sonic had a great time with the reporters before returning to his home in San Francisco.

When the sun had set, Sonic and the others separated and went to their homes, Sonic went to his house, closed the door behind him, and sighed sadly. He went upstairs to the bathroom, switched the light on, and turned on the shower. He felt the temperate warmth run down his hand if it was hot enough. He then took off all his gloves and shoes, threw them into the laundry basket, and jumped in the shower. The water ran down to his body, soothing him like a warm caress. He closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the feeling. Sonic knew he would have to get dressed again soon. Sonic opened his eyes in sadness and leaned his head against the cool wall. He missed Shadow already. He wanted to see his lover’s face as much as his own, but even more than that, he needed him by his side right now. It wasn’t so bad being away from ARK, he had always liked being free to fly around whenever he wanted, he just wished Shadow could be there too. But Shadow was dead. After showering, Sonic out of the shower and brushed his teeth for a second time, he put on his pajamas. He laid down and got comfortable under the covers. Sonic didn’t know if he could sleep for tonight. He stared at the ceiling until he finally drifted off into a deep slumber, filled with dreams of Shadow. The night passed without any disturbances.

The next morning, the sun was rising to the sky, and the birds were chirping, enjoying their beautiful new morning. Sonic groaned as he opened his eyes groggily, he rolled over and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. The clock next to him said it was 7 a.m. Sonic got out of his bed, walked to his window, and opened the curtain. He gazed out, the scenery was lovely and peaceful. Sonic frowned. It was a shame that Shadow couldn’t be here with him. Sonic knew he wasn’t going to be able to go through this day alone, not anymore.

'Shadow isn't there anymore. Why am I still thinking about him?' Sonic thought. 'Because he will never come back.'

He walked to his nightstand and opened the drawer, he took out Shadow's Inhibitor Ring that he kept for a whole time. A gold glow emanated from the ring and it shimmered in the sunlight. Sonic sighed softly as he stroked the ring with his finger.

"I wish you were here, Shadow," he whispered. Sonic frowned slightly. His mind began to wander to thoughts about their first meeting when he met Shadow, their time fighting each other, falling in love with each other, fighting against the FInal Hazard. And Shadow sacrificed himself for him. Sonic closed his eyes and frowned. "I hope you can see me today," whispered Sonic.

He put the ring back in the drawer and closed it. He went downstairs to the kitchen to make some cereal. He walked to the living room, sat on a couch, and turned on a TV to watch MTV. He was watching Ridiculousness while eating his cereal. After he finished his breakfast, he went to the kitchen to rinse the bowl out and put it in the dishwasher. He then went back to the living room and MTV for the next show. He watched Jersey Shore, which started playing after ten minutes. Sonic held the pillow to his torso and continued watching the program while he waited for it to end. As his ring rang, he picked up his iPhone 15 Pro Max, and this ID caller was Amy Rose. Sonic put the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hi, Sonic!" chirped Amy.

"Eh, hey, Amy," he replied awkwardly. There was a pause. "What's up?" he asked.

"Nothing much. I just wanted to see how you are doing," said Amy.

"Oh, I'm doing fine, Amy. Just watching TV," said Sonic.

"Oh, okay. Well, I was wondering if you want to hang out with me today," said Amy.

'Do I really have to do this? What if I say no? If I don't hang out with her, she will get depressed,' he thought to himself.

"Uh, yeah, sure! I'm kinda bored watching TV. So where to?" he asked.

"To the amusement park!" exclaimed Amy happily. Sonic raised his eyebrow. He knew she loved roller coasters and rides, but he never expected her to ask him to join her on one. Sonic didn’t mind though, he enjoyed hanging out with her. Besides, what fun does it be watching movies on TV every day?

"Yeah, sounds good," said Sonic.

"Great! I'll see you at 11 AM," said Amy.

"Okay. Bye, Amy," he hung up as he laid his head back and groaned in frustration. "Oh, why do I have to hang out with her?" He sighed and got up from the couch. Sonic looked out the window at the view of the city below him. "Maybe it would be better to hang out with someone else instead..." he muttered.

Sonic thought, "If Shadow were here, he would hang out with me.".

He headed upstairs to freshen up, he took a shower, brushed his teeth, combed his quills, and put on a pair of white gloves and a pair of red and white sneakers. He locked the door and ran to the destination to the amusement park. As he arrived at the amusement park, he saw Amy in a beautiful red dress featuring a white sheer bodice panel with a red polka dot design, front ribbon lace-up accents, and ruffled white lace trim. Thick shoulder straps with ruffled trim along with the removable bow on the back. A white trim on the hem of the skirt. She even wore a red rose headband, and she wore red boots with bowknot dangling with pearls.

Amy saw Sonic and waved at him, "Hi, Sonic!" she called.

'Why is she wearing like that?' he asked in thought.

"Hey, Amy," he waved at her.

Amy smiled and ran towards him. They met up near the entrance of the park. "So, ready for our first date?" she asked.

Sonic grinned and chuckled lightly. "Yeah, I guess. Let's go." They walked together in silence till they reached the entrance of the park. They stopped at the gate and Amy ordered two tickets for Sonic and herself. They entered the park. Sonic looked around and he noticed all sorts of rides. Some had attractions for kids, while others had games and food stands. Sonic asked Amy if she wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel. Amy nodded and took his hand as they walked to the Ferris Wheel. Sonic and Amy climbed the stairs and began riding the Ferris Wheel to see the beautiful view of the city of San Francisco, surrounded by skyscrapers, buildings, roads, and bridges, and the ocean far far away from them. Sonic looked at Amy and admired how happy she seemed. Sonic smiled at her happiness, it made him feel happy too. After they went down on the Ferris wheel, Amy said they wanted to ride some more. Sonic hesitated but agreed.

They rode a few rides, both enjoying each other's company, but mostly they enjoyed looking at the sights around the park. Eventually, they decided to sit down for a rest on the bench and look at everything. Amy sat beside him and grabbed his arm. Sonic looked down at her, and he saw that she was holding his hand. Amy smiled at him and she was about to kiss him, but she heard Sonic's stomach growling. Sonic blushed in embarrassment and looked at the ground.

"We should eat something before we go back to the park," she giggled.

"Y-yeah," Sonic laughed nervously.

They went to the food court nearby, Sonic ordered a chili dog and a Pepsi, and Amy ordered a patty melt with Pepsi. The cooker prepared their orders and gave them food as Amy paid him. They headed to the table and ate their food. After they finished their lunch, Sonic looked around and saw a game booth selling games and stuff.

"Let's play some games," suggested Amy.

Sonic nodded and they headed towards the arcades. It was crowded with people playing games of all kinds. Races were being held, shooting was being done, darts were being thrown, and laser guns were being fired. His attention was drawn to the games he liked best. As he explored the booths, he selected four games: one shooter, a racing game, a shooting game, and an air hockey game.

"Which games do you want to play?" asked Amy.

"I'll do the racing car," said Sonic.

Amy nodded, "Okay!"

Sonic put the token inside the slot and began racing the game. Sonic won all his races and won one more game. Amy cheered him on. When he finished racing all of his racing games, Sonic glanced at the screen in front of him. He gasped as he saw who won most of his racing games. Sonic was in first place! Sonic was so shocked that he forgot to take his token and win another race. Amy came over to console him.

"Wow! You're very good! I didn't know that you could beat me in everything! That's amazing!" said Amy.

He shrugged in a proud manner, "Well, duh, I'm the best at racing," he said with a smile on his face.

Amy giggled and placed her hand on top of his, "Well, I must admit, you're the best at racing. Maybe you should become champion of racing instead of just being a hero," she giggled again.

"Nah, I'd rather be a hero than just be a hero, ya know?" said Sonic.

"Sure thing. But still, you're awesome, Sonic," Amy smiled.

"Thanks," Sonic replied. He glanced at his watch and noticed that it was already 6 p.m. it was getting late.

"Hey, Amy. Do you wanna go home now?" asked Sonic. Amy looked at the time on her iPhone and it was pretty late.

"You're right, it's getting late. Let's walk home together," said Amy.

Both of them stood up and began walking together. They walked to the street that they lived on, which was only a couple blocks away. As they arrived at Amy's house, they walked to the doorstep. They turned around and faced each other. Amy stood on her toes and kissed Sonic on the cheek.

"That was so nice. Have a great night!" she said, smiling.

"You too. See you tomorrow," he replied.

"See ya, Sonic," she replied as she closed the door. Sonic turned around and headed for his own house. He started running behind with a blue streak through the traffic light. As he arrived home, he unlocked the door to enter his home, shut the door, and locked it. He then leaned his head back to the door and sighed heavily.

"Ugh, that was awkward. Why did I agree to it? Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it now. At least I killed boredom," he grumbled and walked upstairs to the bathroom to take a shower and brush his teeth. He went to his bedroom and flopped down on his bed exhausted. He sighed as he turned off the lights and curled himself into a ball. He shed tears and hugged his pillow tight. He wanted Shadow so badly. His eyes stung with tears and he felt hot tears streaming down his face. He buried his face deeper into the pillow and sobbed. He wished he could go to sleep, but he couldn't because he kept remembering the kiss. He missed Shadow so much. He wanted to see him so bad. He just wanted to spend time with him. Sonic continued crying himself to sleep.

'Shadow... I wish you were here...' Sonic thought sadly.

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Ransom behind the scenes (1of ???)

No permission to post or use my writing anywhere theres language from ransom but basically fluff. Soft ransom yea i cant think if any waring but reblogs are welcome

part 1

"Jesus fuckin-" "Ransoooom" "Sorry honey" he kissed her on her forehead "Why are you sorry? I'm not a born again I feel bad for you Mr. Glutton for Punishment We can just move away start all over." He sighed. "But this is our home." "Your home."

Ransom looked like his puppy got kicked and lowered his head as his shoiders raised up. He wanted it to be their home. He wanted her forever. The two of them to live happily ever after so he hated wheb the words 'Your home' was used. Because he wanted her to feel at home.  "You know what I mean." She stroaked his face with her knuckles until his shoulders relaxed  "You wanna talk about it" "What? Me being a loser dirtbag on the lastest drugs." "Well I for one hope you lose the dirt on your shoes and all the baggage that makes others turn to drugs. How was that?" He smiles. "Rediculous" adding a laugh that shook his shoulders. "I wish I-" "No" "Could tell them off." "Not my sweet girl." "Ransom you shouldn't have to bear this alone. It's what a partner is for. A girlfriend and im not talking friends, im talking love." He couldn't help but to try to hide a smile. "I love you" she giggled. He wrapped his arm around her. "I love you to." "Then introduce me." "No." He insisted. "I'm not saying I want them around our children  but-" His head stilled and his eyes widened. "Relax I'm not pregnant." "I'm just saying I read between the lines. I know how you feel and even if we dont get married and we go our own ways I," she paused making sure this is phrased right. "I don't want you to shoulder this burden alone. You don't need to." He kissed her temple. "Id kill you before I'd walk away or let you leave" "Ransom" "Yea" "You say the most romantic things." She said with a straight face and he burst out laughing. He took his coat off and hung it up. "Your boss called by the way" "Ugh" he rolled his eyes. "I'm proud of you." "I'm still not going" "You dont want the award then I'll take it." "I'd love to gear your speech." "Ladies and gentleman i am accepting the award on behalf of my boyfriend Hugh Ransom, who doesn't use drysdale or thromby,  who is an asshole for thinking that he isnt worth being celebrated for his achievements." "Not bad." "Ran. Hey listen to me. You isolated that gene it took you two years of your life. Now either you get your ass up on that stage next week to accept the award or I will drug you,  tye you up, put you on one of those rolling thingies deliverymen use  and roll you up there. The choice is yours. But keep in mind if I do have to drug you then you won't be able to dance with me in that navy blue sweetheart neckline high slit dress you love so much." Ransom rolled his eye. He knew what she was doing. And frankly she was good. She knows that he knows that she can use a slit against him. Anything that let him place a hand on any part of her thigh. "Fine," she sighs. Taking his scarf off his neck to play with "I'll just drug you and dance with John." "What no." His eyes widened "John is an ass his hands wander more than his eyes.." "And God have you see that ass could bounce a quater off that thing," she raised her eyebrows. "I know what you're doing by the way," Ransom leaned on the doorway and crossing his arms over his body wearing a  beautiful blue sweater that brought out his eyes. "Is it working." "Mmm," he stalked over and put his arms around her "Yes." "You sure you don't even want to tell Harlan?"

"I don't even want to tell the dogs." "Ok love." He pecked her lips. "Dinner's almost ready." She walked past hin to check the food Ransom followed her into the kitchen "I thought you knew I'd be eatting at Harlans'" he looks at the sauce and stirs it. "Really? " he never actually stays for a meal "Can I finish it." "Ugh," she rolled her eyes; "one day you're going to have to tell me the secret" "Mmmm nope." "But I want to cook it for you one day." "You do babe all the time." "No I don't." She pouted. "I never get to finish. Don't you want to relax?" "No now you go change, relax and I'll  finish. Cooking is how I relax." He kissed her forehead. She wined. And he rolled his eyes. "Its not gunna work." She huffed. "I can get you to do anything else but tell me what is in that sauce." "We all have our secrets." "You're no slowly posioning me with arsonic are you?" "No." He went to dip his pinkie in the sauce "Wash your hands." She scoled. "You're right sorry," he threw up his hands in defeat. And went to wash his hands. She stood watching. "Hey can I-" "No." "You don't even know what I was gunna say." "You want to meet Harlan." "You're evil."

[wouldyoudoanythingforme]

i get so emotional thinking of how much taylor as recovered from her ED since 1989 era oh my god

I get so emotional thinking about much courage and acceptance she's displayed since lover era tbh. Like, I get so emotional when I think about the change from "I'm not in any proud of it but I used to not eat... just a little" to "I hosted parties and starved my body like Id be saved by a perfect kiss" like that chance in language alone makes me fucking emotional. Not only that but to write bigger than the whole sky and be able to name the specific trauma that really sent you down that ED rabbithole.... its fucking amazing and awe inspiring and beautiful.

I wish she was able to speak as freely as she wanted about her eating disorder and it makes me really uncomfortable the whole anti hero situation so much, you don't even understand. But I hope and pray that Taylor is not discouraged from speaking about her ED in the future because I love it so much and I find it so... comforting to know she deals with the same things I deal with and I just want her to know that there are people out there who understand her. Who get how painful the entire journey can be, who don't judge her for how she expresses the pain her ED causes her and who truly want to see her as healthy and happy as possible because she deserves to live, just like we all do.

I think it's so beautiful that she is able to make these songs about her ED and honestly, I would love for ts11 to be not solely ED related but more like mental health related in general. I love midnights but I think midnights is like a subtle tone shift teaser. I think she had the creative ability to really make some beautiful music, like yoyok and bigger than the whole sky, about her ED, her mental health and just her ability to overcome these very common human struggles and be happy and successful and healthy and recovered. I think it's so important in a time where actresses and singers are getting really thin again to have someone as powerful as taylor speak out against disordered eating.

I think her work with EDs is just beginning and I think in the near future, we are going to get more songs like yoyok and even this is me trying where we get to really go on an emotional journey with her and see how fame really fucked up her mental health. I think the next era of albums focusing on her fame in like almost a warning type of way would be so good for the young girls who are still discovering her music and who will listen to her newer stuff first.

I also would love to see taylor talk more about the confines of traditional gender roles and how that has inhibited her creative freedom to be as queer as possible but also as feminist as possible. I would love to see her talk more about how the men in her industry really fucked her over, because that would be a fantastic reservoir of content for her honestly and it'd help her heal even more.

I honestly think a lot of that is because of folkmore because she really brought the sad girl pandemic vibes with those albums but she also needed to really explore the ins and outs of the 1989 era in depth in order to heal properly. Like karlie obviously had/has an ED and they obviously fed off each other while they were dating and I think that really shines through in a lot of the fucked upness of the albums themselves. Like there is so much to unpack in folkmore that you could probably run a college course on those albums specifically because her time in 1989 and with karlie is so fundamentally linked with her trauma of meyer, fame, closeting, etc that they were doomed from the start.

That's why she's talking about how it's maroon in hindsight, because she thought they were golden but they weren't. They were fucked up and painful and just dysfunctional and it was never going to work out between the 2 of them.

Anyways, I would love to see more unpacking of 1989 era tbh.

[notxherexx]

tw ed

i want to completely relapse so bad. i miss being sick, fasting for a week, having 100-200 calories then throwing it up and fasting for another week. i felt so euphoric and in control. if it wasnt for inpatient i couldve continued to get skinnier, why are people so selfish? they put me in hospital because i was making them “miserable” and they “hated watching me waste away”. either i feel good about myself and they be miserable, or i be miserable with myself and them be happy and carry on with their lives like i never existed because im eating more than i need and becoming overweight. they need to stop pretending to care. and they kept telling me “theres healthier ways to do it” but why should i do that if starving is working and at such a fast rate. i dont give two sh^ts about being “healthy”. the feeling of stepping on the scales every minute of the day and seeing the number get lower and lower was just the best. it’s indescribable but i know others understand that feeling. but then i was put in inpatient and i lost all my progress. i gained even more weight than i started with before ana (63kg) and now im literally an overweight bmi, even thinking about it makes me want to un4l!ve. how could they do that to someone whos fear is literally even being a healthy weight. they held me down and tied me to a hospital bed to force-feed me and it was so traumatic and i wish i could just be lovely without being threatened by people sending me back. i cant fast anymore because my family sits every meal with me. i can refuse to eat, but thats when ill be sent back to inpatient and im not letting that happen. i cant start fasting again until after my brothers birthday (7th of Sep) because i want him to enjoy his day, i cant be that selfish. i’ll definitely start fasting and let myself give in to all the voices in about three weeks, after a holiday. id do it now but ive been looking foward to this holiday for so long and i really dont want to miss it. until then ill just restrict as much as i can without any notice so i can look a bit thinner on holiday. the maximum amount of calories ill eat in a day will be 1000. its alot but i have to stick to that so my parents dont cancel the holiday. oh how i miss the days when the voices took over. i didnt have to show emotion and i miss running my hands across bare skin and bones along my hips and ribs. id even started to develop a thigh gap, which was amazing because ive always had bigger thighs. i cant wait until next month. by the end of the year i will become walking th!nspo opposed to staring at the th!nspo on my screen.

[roguestarsailor]

Ugh absolutely disaster shopping with my mom!! I keep forgetting how painful it fucken is!!! She literally can’t just let me pick my own clothing and can’t understand the intention behind what I like! It’s constantly projecting her own insecurities onto me and thinking i have the same problem and then it’s telling the sales associate that I am too fat so I can’t look good in outfits as easily as skinny girls.

I’m actually at a stable mind set on my body and I recognize how much weight I’ve gained as well as just eating tons while here. I also accepted that I need larger sizes for clothes and I’m fine with that!! Genuinely! But man shopping with my mom really brings back the shame and awful feelings.

I can feel her anxiety! She wants to make sure she’s making fun of me before anyone else can. She also sees herself in me too. We have pretty much the same shape though my boobs are much bigger. She’s experienced what it’s like to be skinny and after having us kids her body isn’t the same (and also because I was 9lbs baby which oops) so she must be missing her past self. Like I can read all of those anxieties in her and I think I need to reassure her and give her more encouragement and such but my god it’s so hard. My younger self is fighting and I’m mad! You’ve made me feel like shit all my life because I’m not skinny and I can’t help but take it all personally! I need to break the cycle and make her feel better and then work on myself so I can feel better so I never fall too far back into my self hatred.

I want to scream because I’m hurt! But I also know she’s been hurt and she is hurting! Yet I have to once again parent my own mother??

And times like this is when I mourn for a life where I was thin. I think I’d solve a lot of problems and if I had problems at least I was skinny and it would not be as painful as my life currently is. I think id never struggle to date and can find someone easily, I’d where clothes and as my mother said, it would all fit my body great and i wouldn’t struggle as hard as I did today when trying on clothes here in Asia, and I’d just enjoy eating. I’d eat everything and it’d be great. I might even look good in photographs and I wouldn’t have to think about working out so much. Id live my life on easy mode!!!

Unfortunately I am not thin and I’ll never be thin! I wish my mother didn’t teach me to speak about myself in this way. I’d rather the sales associate talk shit because she’s a stranger and I won’t see her again. But my mom? Come on.

[onrainynights]

journal entry. June 26th 2023. this is what I'm glad to leave behind this year. (cw self harm and suicidal ideation)

I've been having a hard time over the past few weeks. despite having down time on the weekends, I find myself feeling similarly to back in middle and high school—dreading the next morning, pretending it's not going to happen, etc. On Friday I had a really bad meltdown at work and hurt myself. it was really dark. I thought I broke my hand. I found myself in a state of thinking the pain was good, that I needed it to stay composed, and would hit my hand hard again whenever I felt the pain—and my composure—fading. at one point I thought that if I'd had a knife, I would've stabbed myself with it.

mom didn't seem to care. she blamed me for it. it just made me feel worse. I needed this weekend to emotionally reset, and physically heal a bit, but now I just feel raw and horrible and like I'm back in 8th grade. a month ago I almost looked forward to work each day. now it's a nightmare. nobody prepared me for what it would become and now they're blaming me for being blindsided by it. part of me wants to just keep going out of spite, but another part doesn't know how I'm gonna eat lunch at his house every day and pretend like nothing is wrong. I think I'll take my lunch in the shop, at least for a little while. I don't think it's wise for me to force myself into social situations if it's not necessary. I'll need the time away from people to calm down.

I finally see the appeal of self-harm. it scares the shit out of me but it also made me feel so much better. the physical pain was like an emotional painkiller. not sure how that works, but it did.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to listen to music and podcasts tomorrow like nothing is wrong. what if roger wants to train me tomorrow. fuck. I don't wanna talk to him. I think I'd stutter if I tried.

I wish people didn't have to know me. I wanna be a stranger to everyone, always. I never wanna meet new people ever again. god. I was happy. I was so happy but it never lasts and now I'm worse than I've been in a while. I hate when I get back to this place. I wish people understood me. I wish I had something concrete I could point to as a reason why. but I don't. wish I could just break both my legs and be bedridden for months. I need therapy. but I don't have health insurance and I definitely can't afford to pay for therapy out of pocket. let alone actually get to appointments. teletherapy is still a hard no. can't risk anyone overhearing. I'd talk about her eventually and someone would hear and my life would blow up and that's the worst-case scenario. worse than a brain tumor and 6 months to live.

at least it'll be over soon. the work stress I mean. at soonest, early August will calm things down. at the latest, the job ends in October or November. at least come 2024 I'll know I'm never coming back to this hellhole. I'd rather go back to retail for less pay than have a repeat of the last week. and I don't know if worse is yet to come

maybe I'm being a bit superstitious but I don't think I'll ever say "I will" again when someone tells me to have a good day. it just seemed to backfire.

can't end the day disappointed if you don't start it with expectations of anything

The day is the day, can't be bad or good or nothing. It just is.

I wanna sleep for a year. I wanna not die but not live through what's coming for me. I feel like I did so long ago and I hate it. I hate this. Someone give me some god damn antidepressants or something. Everyone in this fucking family is medicated and therapized except for me, why am I the exception? why do I have to fend for myself when nobody ever taught me how? I think id be more stable if I was homeless. at least then I'd know never to expect anything good

And there it is again, the urge to run away. seems like the happy medium until I remember my family would worry and I'd have to get rid of my phone, and I'd have shit food, and who would take care of Henry if I was gone? nobody. and I couldn't take him with me.

I'd miss him and Bella to much

They're the reasons why I haven't done it yet

I think I'd have killed myself if not for that cat or that girl. he'd die without me, and my heart breaks at the thought of never seeing her grow up, of her never really knowing me. wouldn't even have a memory.

but how am I supposed to endure this? just the thought of going back makes me want to destroy myself. makes me want to be invisible again. I was invisible once. nobody knew or cared who I was or what I thought or what I could do. I was one of hundreds, unimportant, like a little ant in a whole colony. and here I am now just holding on to these routines I've built myself, tracks for my trolley to run on, grooves carved carefully and deliberately over time until they're so deep I can't climb out of them unless pulled out by something external—and when a vulture grips my shoulders and tumbles me out I can do nothing but watch and lash out but there's no one to hurt but myself, the vulture is gone, and I am broken by my own hand. I look ahead to my grooves and they've been destroyed, washed away by my tears, and I am starting over because I have no other choice. but my grooves are gone and so I don't know where to go or what to do. how did I make those grooves in the first place? what did I use? I used this shovel, I think, but I can't find it now. the vulture took it. I am back on flat ground where I began and I am lost. the vulture wants me to follow him, to fly, but I can't make new grooves in the sky. I need grooves. I need grooves. trolleys aren't supposed to fly. they'd crash and break and take people down with them. I'm not afraid. I just know better. I walk in a direction, I don't think it's the same one as before. I don't recognize that tree. but I keep walking until I'm back where I started. and then I keep going, tracing over my own footprints. and again. and again. and again and again and again again again again again and I walk in the grooves and I push my trolley with everything I need and everyone I love and it's ok, finally okay.

and then I remember the vulture.

[goremet-chef]

DREADFUL so dreadful but the only step is to just reach forward. like all i need to do is pick up my pen but i cant. wish i could tho

art will always be my passion, even if it bothers me sometimes. its all ive ever been good at, fantastic outlet for creativity and emotional buildup but i just. sometimes i cant move and i dont know why and its literally inches away from me but i can hardly move forward yknow? im fine physically, but mentally its like this huge step that seems so intimidating

i feel like i live off of outcomes and when the outcome isnt certain my brain goes haywire and holds me in place until the outcome can settle. but? this outcome IS the same. its so easy, ive done it before. reach and grab, draw what yr dying to draw

im drowning myself in lethal company things im so excited and im . all my minecraft ocs and my sotf ocs like i have so much i need to make and just.. no will to do it. but i want to! want to more than anything. id feel better if i did, which is true i would feel better. when it builds up inside you its OVERWHELMING like insanely so. i can get it out and free myself if i just DO it but theres always this barrier between what i want and what i actually do yknow? very lame

yknow art is my passion even if it hurts me sometimes it makes me very happy and i like to create, everyone likes to create. i like to see what i can do, like to bring all these buzzing thoughts to reality. can hardly hold onto them long enough to do that but i try at least. sometimes i feel really really unreliable and i dont know why?

i dont do commissions anymore, i pretty much ONLY draw for myself. who are you disappointing? who do you THINK yr disappointing? no one even remembers all the times you say "im drawing this 😼", YOU dont even remember all the times you say that. theres no pressure, you can do it whenever you want, it doesnt make you worse or anything. art is for you, you'll get to it when you can

yes :] i think i probably will. im just trying to make myself feel better honestly its something that eats at me and i dont know why?

its like some HORRIBLE combination of impostor syndrome and bpd fears like "oh no im not good enough!!! i need to provide i need to create for others to consume to prove im worthy" and then when i DO create, when too many people like it its.. i feel like ive conned them, surely i didnt make something that good, i must have faked it somehow and the attention is undeserved

SHIT LIKE THAT honest to god all my mento illnesses come together and hold hands like some really fucked up version of the power rangers. all of them collide in the WORST ways possible its. what is bro doing in there !!!! seriously its actually comically tragic but i live in spite this, i probably always will live in spite of it. sometimes im like wow lets let everything wash over and give up, this hell isnt worth it. but isnt it? back and forth black and white, world is ending world is beautiful type shit. when it feels over i just try to remember all that stuff that and it forces me to remember that there is no giving up on this, wouldnt give it up for the world. its mine and ill keep it

as i was saying tho, i feel so much happier drawing when i try to keep it out of mind. like yes, of course i love the attention. who doesnt? but i used to be INCREDIBLY numbers driven for like. hefty chunk of my art history. like little 11 yr old me breaking coppa on dA had so much fun just drawing hot garbage and sharing it and it never got like any likes but i didnt even CARE i just. to be able to create and share is the best part of all

i wish i was like him again. im not that boy, not anymore, but i remember him and i keep him close. all that cringe bullshit and i was having so much fun

ill give myself some credit yknow. im an adult, money is a necessity in this world. art becomes more of a chore and something i feel pressured on because logically its the only thing i can DO right to make a quick buck like. its the one thing i know i can do. but having my passion turn into something like that? dreadful

sometimes you cant avoid it, i just have to do my best to look past it and recognize that beneath all that shit. theres something in me that needs to draw, the same thing that forces me to carry sketchbooks and pencils with me wherever i go, even if i never use them. just this lingering presence that screams at me and tells me that i will create. i will! i will create

[letsgosisyphus]

Alright so boom Im back and Im turning my contribution to this space into a live journal of my experience with Retention and just life in general. I just kept going and God kept protecting me from wasting my life force. Paragraphs aren’t separated by topic really anymore, it just looks easier to digest than a wall of text.

I have been doing dummy missions and bringing my ex along to kill 2 birds with one stone and it almost killed me. I gotta stop trying to kill birds simultaneously and just focus on one at a time, unless it’s clear there is no negative benefit of killing them.

I will never mate with her again, Im jilting her(I know I could use that work better). She is like a planet. It’s already been too long I’ve been running in circles (ironically not orbiting but lemme cook) just spiraling out but it turned out I was spiraling up into a helix and then I reached escape velocity.

I no longer can exist on that vibration. I have been busy with studying for this mechatronics assessment and just trying to eat healthier things. I want to have these concepts understood enough to explain to a 5 year old or and old head. I wish there was an online community for people interested in mechatronics so I could learn and be around like minded people.

This girl who I’m kinda like impressed with gave me $40 dollars today and said she was a Christian and God told her to give this to me. She’s pretty cool and is into anime and sad music, she’s pretty introverted and idk I try not to bother her too much. I talk to everyone I work with but I just be telling her my whole life lmao. But as far as the money thing, I have to think of what to do about that, like I don’t know what I’d want most if I was in her shoes.

I’ve literally been in her shoes atleast somewhat when I’d give people an unexpected large amount of money, usually homeless people or people Id only see once. Her superego speaks to her perhaps but with religious support. I think we both feel like vessels for God. It’s an interesting situation meeting someone pretty similar to me and yet not exactly the same. Oh and she’s a writer.

I have to remember to raise my vibration and not ask for the attraction of specific person but of someone who is on the same vibration. It is no point in love potions be they physical or abstract. I will not settle for specifics, that would only build up energy unnecessarily. I am not hedging my bets on individual people, myself included. I require a team, we all have value and some are more suited for certain tasks and delegations than others.

I really desire clear skin and healthy hair. I have clear skin and healthy hair. My chakras are balanced. I am trusting of the process and I am patient. I study for 2 hours and then I take a 15 minute break, every other revolution I take a 30 minute break. On these breaks I eat and just focus on something else. Im basically using Amazons work structure for my own purposes.

I also want to get my official enneagram. People speculate Im a 6. It deals with so many different things and I just want the information so I can create a better world for everyone(myself included). I had some time where I freaked out thinking I was a narcissist but I’m not disagreeable enough to be that. My extroversion is limited to people I work with directly. I don’t particularly enjoy having to convince people of the truth that I am not flirting with them. In public I am not that social or rather I have not been in social situations where I felt it necessary or appropriate to give my name or any life details- aside from work.

I really need to write more, I still record stuff on my phone tho. I need to buy some recording equipment next week to work with a friend from a psychology group. Im really excited to create with another person and really create something special. I will do my best to not let myself or anyone down. I should read more of my adhd book as well to help with that.

Ok it’s nearing 5 o clock and I need to get sleep. Later slimes🙏💚

-Slime

[bedroomhero]

save me

i dont have any friends, struggle with extreme self hatred  , haunted by my past ,  i have no real aspirations in life because i dont think ill make it past 21 ,  fucked up relationships with everyone i know , problematic habits , a mind that constantly turns on itself , constant thoughts of suicide that feel like literal torture , a constant need for connection with a  disconnected personality , parental issues , struggle to eat , sleep deprived , drug addiction , attachment problems , procrastination , disillusionment , a constant feeling of anger that plagues me like a demon , unfulfilled potential , despondency , i want love that i cant even give myself ,never felt like i belonged anywhere ,push away anything thats ever been good for me , abandonment issues , never allow myself to be truly happy and enjoy a moment because theres a little voice that reminds me how none of those positive feelings will ever last... the list goes on endlessly all i ever wanted was freedom from these things musics and art was what i thought would free me id like to go back to a time when that wasnt just an illusion i just want to cry until this heaviness in my heart subsides but im so fucking numb i dont know how to even grant myself the gift of tears anymore i never needed anyone because i never felt needed , but honestly i just want to be held , to not be judged , to finally feel safe in the arms of another person

 the god i confided in doesn’t hear me neither do the people i walk this earth with so who do i turn to ?i wish i knew , with all my soul i really wish i did and the fact i dont is turning me into someone i cant stand to look at in the mirror , my heart darkens each time the sun dawns

this year alone ive went from running away from home , almost losing my life on multiple occassions , to falling out with people i would have died for  , losing someone i care about due to senseless violence , to being homeless again , to a mental hospital , to being left to bleed on a sunday morning with nothing on my mind but all of the times ive fucked up my chances at being better  , and that doesnt even cover all of it 

ive done so much , seen so much , I’m exhausted ,

shit could be worse , people i know have been through worse but...what do i do? where do i go? i dont know , ive never known i only live to find out what the answer to those questions are and until then im lost , so so hopelessly lost 

please , please , save me