#so now i’m basically recreating it without a tutorial

[cicadasides]

this is giving me a HEADACHE but i’m figuring it out !!!

[rallamajoop]

Late to the party: Deus Ex: Human Revolution

So, I’ve spent the last couple of weeks getting utterly sucked into (of all things) a random (mostly) FPS game from 2010. This is unlike me for a number of reasons.

I do not DO FPS. Or really shooters in any PS. (Shooting people stresses me out.)

I CANNOT do FPS. (Keyboard-and-mouse just is not how I’m used to gaming, and rapidly leaves me recreating Dara O’Briain’s legendary “Oh no, I’m in a gun battle! Which one of these isn’t crouch?”-sketch)

The youtube review which put DX:HR on my radar was only lukewarm at best (and having played the game… yeah, I still can’t really disagree with most of his critiques).

There are no vampires in it anywhere (not strictly uncharacteristic for me, but it does break what is now about a 4-consecutive-fandom streak).

Why I wound up buying and playing this game despite all the above is a longer story, and not really worth going into here. But for the short version: look, I just kinda had the itch for a new game – and as the old saying goes, it was on sale on Steam.

My first few hours attempting to actually play DX:HR were not promising. I had not magically become better at coordinating in first-person-mode since last time I tried a game like this, and my brain continued to throw up “wait, you want me SHOOT PEOPLE? Omg, that’s not okay! D:” roadblocks. I’m not trying to suggest I’m Too Good for video game violence or something here: taking out waves of human enemies was some of the best fun I had playing Witcher 3 – and by the endgame, I was deliberately picking fights with the supposedly-invincible town guards (who are always so annoying about not letting you freely loot everything in sight), because it’d become a fun challenge. Give me a gun and stick me in a pseudo-modern setting, however, and apparently it all suddenly becomes Too Real. I don’t know what else to tell you.

Part of what convinced me to give this game a go regardless is that the Deus Ex series has been built on giving you options. There are non-lethal weapons available, and there are stealth options as alternatives to running in, guns-blazing (all those memes about hiding bodies in vents didn’t come from nowhere). There’s even an achievement for getting through the game without killing anyone (except bosses, because options only go so far).

The trouble is that (as usual) the full range of options don’t really become available to you until you’ve cleared that first difficulty-hump and left the tutorial area – which you technically can get through without any acts of murder, but doing so is not a super-realistic goal for a beginner.

Nor are the difficulty options much help to the pacifist: setting the game to “story mode” means you can take more hits and enemies can take fewer, but it doesn’t damp their hearing or shrink their cones of vision any, or mean they spend more time standing still in secluded places where you can sneak up for a non-lethal takedown without their friends noticing. Throw in my absurd completionist streak (WHYYY would you tell me I’ll get so much bonus XP for making it to an objective without being seen? NOW I FEEL OBLIGATED TO ACHIEVE THAT!) and the first couple of areas became a truly stressful experience.

A day in, I mentioned to a friend that I was giving up: clearly DX gameplay was just not for me.

…then two days later, I went back for another go, because clearly I have no self-control.

The thing is, I knew if I could just save-scum my way through that first big story-mission, I’d get some breathing room. That’s where the game lands you in your first main story-hub and gives you the chance to run around, explore, talk to people, pick up side-quests and so on – and that far more than any of the core gameplay was the kind of game experience I’d had the itch for. So gave up trying to actually engage with all those guards, looked up a handy vent-shortcut, and stepped out basically just one minor “talk the terrorist into letting the hostage go”-challenge from clear. Done!

Things calmed down a bit from there. I spent the next few hours happily running around cyber-Detroit, climbing ladders and rifling through bins, and generally doing everything the game would let me do that didn’t involve shooting people.

I knew hacking was a major gameplay element, because that video which introduced me to Deus Ex had a whole section on how annoying the hacking-minigame was. I quickly decided I loved the hacking minigame (you get exp! and random bonus rewards if you get all the right nodes! and then you can use that exp to upgrade your hacking skills and hack yet more stuff!), and promptly wasted a couple of hours hacking every door and computer in my office, and reading all my colleagues’ emails. (By a couple of hours later, I’d taken to knocking out patrolling cops who had all these unreasonable objections to me hacking locks on the street in broad daylight – because clearly some things don’t change, no matter what game I’m playing.)

The game goes out of its way to give you multiple paths to many of your objectives: you can hack a side-door, talk your way in, find a vent from the ceiling, etc – but have you really done it properly if you haven’t talked your way in, gone back out, hacked a side-door, and left through a vent? No, I don’t think you have. But c’mon – if the game didn’t want me to do all the things, why does it keep giving me XP for all of them (yes, even exploring a vent)? XP is an excellent motivator.

Eventually, of course, I ran out of side-quests and had to get back to the actual game – but a couple of areas later, something finally clicked. I’m not going to tell you I finally got gud – that first area where things started going my way was also conveniently dimly-lit and sparsely-patrolled, and thus way more conducive to the pick-them-off-and-hide-the-bodies strategy – though hot damn if my first really successful tranquiliser-rifle long-distance-headshot wasn’t ridiculously satisfying.

And I’ve gotta give the game credit for validating this playstyle: you get points for every man down, but you get more points for doing it non-lethally – which also tends to be the better stealth option – and even more points for sneaking up behind people and hitting the “combat takedown” button. (The latter will also play you a short, random animation of 2-3 stunt guys who’ve presumably been told we’ve got all day, dudes, so knock yourselves out! and are having an absolute blast coming up with so many different elaborate takedown ideas.)

Played this way, engaging the enemy becomes less a battle than a logic puzzle (when, where, and in what order can I take these guys down without the others noticing?) – one that requires an embarrassing amount of save-scumming, but still eventually works. Don’t wanna bother engaging the enemy at all? Go for it – we’ll also give you points for ghosting through without being seen (and you’d better believe people have sped-run the whole game that way). Sure, you could give in, find yourself some decent cover and shoot everyone, but it all seems so inelegant.

This was all ticking along very nicely for me until suddenly a major NPC used her cut-scene free-action to hit a panic button, and locked me in a distressingly-open room with a rapidly advancing SWAT team, and suddenly this very-enjoyable-stealth-game is right back to wanting me to play it like an FPS again. Gah. After a few half-hearted attempts to get my usual non-lethal solutions to work, I had to give in and ghost out through a vent. Who taught these bastards to back each other up like this?

Boss battles presented a similar roadblock. The Director’s Cut edition has belatedly added enough hacking-based solutions to those encounters that it’s now technically possible to beat them without being forced to switch to run-and-gun tactics (which, remember, I still suck at) – but with some mixed results. Barret (your first boss encounter) was laughably confused by my run-away-and-climb-the-ladder tactics, but Fedrova (your second) was a lot less willing to just stand there patiently while I hacked my way through a console. Dropping some EMP mines while backing away in a hurry and then whipping out a shotgun ultimately proved the more viable strategy.

But the real test is the infamous moment where your pilot (the absurdly likable and competent Faridah Malik) comes under fire, and not rushing in to help means she dies. I was not okay with leaving Malik to die. Many reloads later, let’s just say that it’s absolutely possible to take down like eight guys and a fucking battle bot in a hurry, using only a stun gun and an EMP grenade – and you know what, it turns out I didn’t need that fricking Smooth Operator achievement that badly after all.

And that’s kind of DX:HR in a nutshell – a game that goes out of its way to give you a dozen viable ways to reach most objectives, then sort of shrugs and gives up each time it hits a big set-piece. I mean, the mere fact the difficulty settings hardly make a difference unless you’re playing by the “default” run-and-gun strategy says kind of a lot. But given the game’s ambition and the amount of behind-the-scenes nonsense and restructuring the team apparently had to deal with, it’s still pretty damn impressive that it all came together as well as it did – let alone that it managed to hook someone as far from it’s main target market as I am.

Of course, I realise in saying all this that 99% of all people with any interest in trying this game will have talked all this stuff to death a good 10 years ago – but I still had such a time discovering it for myself that I couldn’t resist rambling on about the roller-coaster of an experience that it was (and I haven't even got to the story here, which is gonna need it's whole own post). One that proved so addictive that I seem to be replaying it already.

[wehavespikes]

I've been really into graphic design lately and I want to start! do you have any tips?

Hey, thanks for asking, I guess I do have some tips

• For absolute beginners I'd recommend first looking into graphic programs and finding the best fit for what you want to create - the adobe cloud is great but to start out there are many free alternatives. If you're into drawing as well I'd recommend checking out Procreate.

• Study the basics - e.g. look at the difference between vectors and pixel graphics, file formats (jpg vs png vs tiff etc.), look up different methods to cut out images as it's something you'll probably need at some point, and maybe also have a look at recent design or color trends (that's always fun, too). Also advisable as a beginner is to study general do's and don'ts (for example working with text, website design or layouting have some clear rules for what works and what doesn't - most people already have a sense of aesthetic but it's always a good idea to prevent creating some graphic design is my passion meme stuff, see r/crappydesign or the likes).

• If you want to create with the intention of publishing your works effectively on certain platforms (like Instagram) it's always clever to look up which formats work best (1080x1080 is standard square for Instagram for example). If you want to create wallpapers look up common sizes and set up your canvas accordingly.

• Find inspiration and ideas - of course you need at least a rough idea about what you want to create. I for example love all things 80s, so for inspiration I look up 80s media, technology, fashion etc. to find things I could incorporate in my designs (e.g. patterns, color schemes, shapes, fonts etc.). An amazing platform for this is Pinterest of course, but I also frequently use unsplash.com (free to use gorgeous photography that you can use right away for your designs), youtube (for tutorials mainly) and lots of tumblr blogs.

•  If you want to use photos make sure you know about copyright and fair use - platforms like Pinterest mostly feature copyrighted images, so never just use an image without considering this. Always ask first and give credit.

•  Watch lots of tutorials - in the beginning I had no idea about the capabilities of graphic programs and was often wondering how artists were able to create certain things. So of course you need to learn somehow and watching tutorials on youtube is a great way to do so. It’s also fun to just look through random design tutorials until the algorythm shows you something you really like and want to recreate or use for your own works. Like this I also learned lots of basics (advanced working with layers, clipping masks, transparency, layer styles, filters and all kinds of photoshop tools).

• Familiarize yourself with the graphic program of your choice. Check out which tools are available and try to use them. Experiment with shapes, brushes, text, gradients, etc. Set up your workplace according to your needs and look through all options, settings and tabs to see what your possibilities are. Play around with a photo and try to edit the hell out of it. Like this you’ll probably already find some tools or settings that inspire you and ways you might want to incorporate them into your designs.

• Recreate and adopt. Recreating artworks that inspire you or designing along tutorials is the best way to learn in my opinion, as it is with drawing as well. As you learn new techniques you can begin to incorporate more and more of them into your own artworks, your drafting process will change as you’re able to consider more ways to reach your design goal, and you will also gain lots of new inspiration as well. When I discovered the possibilities of layer mixing I began designing with them in mind and just playing around yielded some amazing results; I made note of my favourite styles and now am frequently using them in my designs.

• Draft and save inspiration. I always carry my sketchbook around and doodle things when I have a few minutes of time or when inspiration hits me. You often see things in the real world that strike you as interesting, so make sure you don’t forget about them later when you want to design. This can be posters, flyers or other design works but also nature, people, clothes, etc. Taking written notes also works great for me. For collecting inspiration online I mostly use Pinterest (create artboards for specific aesthetics and pin all images that fit and inspire you in some way so you can look them up later as reference), but I also have lots of bookmarks neatly organized to save images that aren’t on pinterest. I never just copy and save on my computer because I might not know who to credit later.

• Refine your own aesthetic, polish your artworks and take challenges. Try to design outside of your comfort zone (I’m really not a fan of working with Adobe Illustrator for example but need it a lot for my job so I decided to use it more at home for my own art and am now quite fond of some of the tools) and challenge yourself - e.g. you can try to design within a certain decade’s aesthetic, participate in online design challenges, ask for requests from friends or followers, etc. Keep up with design trends (especially if you’re planning to sell your artworks in some way at some point).

• Less is more. Edit edit edit. Something I still struggle with given that the 80s aesthetic I love always screams more is more. Train your abstraction ability (making pixel art or super minimalist things is a great way to practice). Learn what an artwork / layout / website etc. really needs and what can be scrapped. Don't be afraid of blank spaces. Never bedazzle just for the sake of filling space.

That’s all I can think of right now, hope this helps ♡ if you have questions about specific things you can always hit me up.

[manyblinkinglights]

HOW TO USE THE MBL ANYTAUR BASE - PART ONE

These instructions will be structured around a main narrative--someone who has everything they need for best results, and for whom everything goes right--with digressions for what to do when things go wrong at each step. 

Pictured: gryphoranguAnytaur.

WHAT YOU NEED (WANT):

- A fully weight-painted taur model .fbx. *If you have a quad instead, see “I HAVE A QUAD INSTEAD” **If you’re modeling from scratch, see “I’M MODELING FROM SCRATCH” - CATS Blender plugin, just in case. (We’ll be using its assign rest pose function, if we need to.) - A Unity 2019.whatever.it.is project, with the latest VRChat Avatars 3.0 SDK. - Pumkin’s Avatar Tools package (THIS IS SO IMPORTANT). ***If this tool is unavailable, see “I DON’T HAVE PUMKIN’S AVATAR TOOLS, OR IT ISN’T WORKING FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT I DO”

Open MakeYoursInHere.blend. Find the Humanoid hips on the base Anytaur, but DON’T touch them--just find them. Turn on Isometric view and import your taur .fbx; scale and move your model until its Humanoid hips (you know, the bone below its spine, in the Humanoid torso up front), or Humanoid hip-ish-area, matches the Anytaur’s, and the legs are long enough to put your feet ALMOST on the floor (same as the Anytaur is fine). You don’t want to leave so much clearance it’s obvious you’re hovering, but you do want your taur’s (mesh) feet to be raised very slightly above the floor. This makes it easier to avoid clipping. *If you CAN’T STAND having your feet clip into the floor at all, you may wish to pursue using Final IK to run your taur limbs instead, but that’s the opposite hookup method from this tutorial!

When you’re positioned and sized, select your taur and put its wings into a flat T-pose, like the Anytaur’s, and its arms into an A-pose, at the same angles as the Anytaur’s. Apply this pose as your rest pose with CATS, or look up how to do it without CATS if you don’t have CATS. Then select the Anytaur, and, WORKING ISOMETRICALLY AND SYMMETRICALLY (symmetry has been preserved within the Humanoid armature, so you can work normally), you may move the spine, chest, neck, and head around to match the scales and angles of your taur’s existing armature. Again, make sure nothing you do alters the hips--OR interrupts the hierarchy!

If you have Dynamic Bone rigging on the Humanoid torso chain (like for fur or accessories), you may separate the bones out from your taur’s armature at this stage and join and parent them to the Anytaur’s. Same with anything wiggly you have on the arms, next, too.

Once the Anytaur’s Humanoid torso chain matches yours, select the either the left or right WHOLE ENTIRE Anytaur arm, including shoulder. View it isometrically, and shift it in xyz and scale it until it matches your taur’s arm. DO NOT rotate ANYTHING in ANY WAY! *If you have changed the angles in the Humanoid arms or legs, see “I CHANGED IMPORTANT BONE ANGLES IN BLENDER. :(”

You may rotate and reposition the fingerbones freely, though!

Now that both taur armature Humanoid upper bodies match, go into Pose Mode on the Anytaur and find RRA.spacer, off the Humanoid hips. Grab it and rotate it; the Anytaur’s taurbody’s back should respond dramatically. You’ll be toning this behavior down later in Unity, but I’ve recreated it here in Blender to help with weight painting. Try to understand what you’re looking at in the Anytaur’s hind torso chain. Hind.spine is one huge bone to make an optional Dynamic Bones-based-sit work correctly; hind.chest ends wherever is necessary for the “hinge” of that sit. We WILL NOT be going over how to implement sit in this tutorial, but since you’re looking, you might as well know why it’s like that. The .tinybones are because Dynamic Bones needs at least two transforms in a row to operate, and when I had ONLY two, I got stupid bugs preventing the butt collider from showing up in hind.hind.tinybone, so with this setup, Dynamic Bones gets THREE transforms, and the collider on hind.hind.tinybone definitely shows up. Unless you specifically commed your artist for it or they worked with this base in mind, you won’t have a BEND bone, and will need to paint your own, but you should already have hind.hips to start with! There are bone constraints in the hind thighs for weight painting purposes, again--you’re advised to leave them until you’re satisfied with the BEND/hind.hips torso chain action you get on your own taur. 

NOW:

Go into Object mode, select the Anytaur’s mesh, and delete it. *If your taur IS NOT weight painted, see “I’M MODELING FROM SCRATCH.” Then select your taur’s mesh and duplicate it. Then, shift-select the Anytaur armature, and parent the duplicate to it with empty groups. 

You could go to your duplicate’s vertex groups and start finding and renaming them to match the Anytaur’s armature as best you can at this point, but first, I recommend you fit the Anytaur armature to your taur!

Using your original as a reference, BUT ALSO taking at least a glance at a real animal’s skeletal reference (especially for shoulder length and angle), work isometrically from the sides and front--symmetry has been preserved in all the taurbody legs, lucky you! Rotate the Anytaur’s taurbody bones pair by pair (of bones, left-right) until they’re all angled right to fit your mesh. You may wish to grab and hide anything that’s getting in your way, if you haven’t already, like the zillions of wing and utility bones, and the Humanoid legs (shortcut in edit mode is “h” with a bone selected.) When you’re finished from the side, select the taurbody foreleg chains, switch to viewing isometrically from the front, and shift them in X until they mostly match the width-apart of your forelegs. For the forelegs, I’d prioritize matching the feet to the feet over matching the width of your taurbody shoulders. DO NOT ROTATE ANYTHING--they must stay straight-up-and-down from the front! Do the same for the hindleg chains, though unless you intend to individually articulate your hind beans, you may wish to split the difference between matching the feet versus matching the width of the hind hips above, or just match the hips width and ignore the hind feet, like I did on the Anytaur--If you noticed before deleting it, the hindpaws are quite far outside the hind foot armature--that’s about the limit I’d ever recommend you deviate, though. I just started to get some weird behavior on hindpaw twist at that distance (but I did get to enjoy having my hindlegs always look a little extra jaunty because of how they were modelled “at rest” around the bones here). If you’re lucky, your artist just has those hindlegs straight up and down lol so you won’t have to make any decisions.

You may add/graft on extra bones out of your old armature if you’ve got them (floof bones, etc), SO LONG AS YOU DON’T DELETE, REPARENT, OR RENAME ANYTHING ALREADY THERE, OR OTHERWISE BREAK THE ANYTAUR HIERARCHY. 

The twist bones don’t like being moved, sometimes, so make sure to check on them specifically and fix them if they’ve gotten skewed by grabbing just their left/right heads or tails at a time and shifting them in x.

Don’t forget to fit your toes! They don’t have to be straight up and down, just have them fit your toes. You don’t have to use EVERY beanbone either, there’s a final (FINAL--do NOT do it until you’re SO SURE you’re finished) optimization pass in Unity where we’ll delete any bones that didn’t get used. You could probably just graft your old toebones on, here (but DON’T do that with anything but the toes! We’ll need the leg chain transforms to all be named in PRECISELY this way or nothing will work AT ALL later. Working this way around, renaming your vertex groups to the Anytaur armature, allows you to check your work here in Blender AND not ruin anything silently before we move to Unity). 

The Anytaur armature should now be fit to your taur! Well, except for wings--SYMMETRY IS BROKEN IN THE WINGS, I’M SO SORRY, so if you need them, handle them by scaling left/right pairs of the bones’ heads and tails in and out in X from the isometric front and top views, and moving left-right pairs freely together with g + zy shortcuts. If you have dragon wings with extra wing fingers, graft yours from your old armature onto the Anytaur wingfingers. Just shrink the Anytaur wingfingers way down first; they’ll act as control bones. If you have feathery wings, look at the weight painting “zones” of influence that already exist in them. You’ll likely want to rename and/or merge your weight paint vertex groups to use only the (wing upper arm, forearm, and hand, obviously, but also the) first, the fifth, and the tenth feathers, OR--if you have a bunch of existing dynamic rigging, graft your wing surface rigging bones ONTO (parent them to) the first, fifth, or tenth feathers as appropriate. Only use the individual feather rigging if you HAVE (or are making!) individual feathers, it will look weird if your wings are a solid surface (each of the bones is going to roll quite a bit). Basically, the fifth and tenth feathers are rigged to “smooth out” the wing-arm action... hopefully the effect looks okay. If it winds up looking weird later you can reparent your (YOUR) bones directly to the appropriate Anytaur wing-arm bones instead. 

Oh, and tails. Do whatever with the tail. The Anytaur tail comes with six bones and limited but ready-to-go rotation constraint rigging, but it isn’t Dynamic Bones compatible, so you’ll probably just want to keep the rigging in the tailbase bone in Unity later, because it’s important for finishing the harmonious “feel” of the movement of your hind hips, and capturing all of your Humanoid hip motions. You can make it really small and not weight paint it if you want, though, so it’s at the base of your tail as a control bone. Do match the next five Anytaur tail bones to the rest of your tail, then feel free to add (or graft on) however many more you need. If you graft your entire old tail on instead of the existing one, you’ll NEED to rename it to match/replace the Anytaur tail in the hierarchy EXACTLY, taking into account whether you kept the first tailbone as a tiny control bone or not! Pumkin’s Avatar Tools, at least as I’ve used it, will FAIL on EVERYTHING DOWNSTREAM OF THE FIRST BREAK... so watch out.

Okay... NOW the Anytaur armature has been fitted. 

Use Pose Mode to pose your original model and then your Anytaur duplicate, into a pose suitable for weight painting (or for referencing, in your original). Now, begin the process of renaming/recovering your original vertex groups... 

Using your original as a reference as necessary, rename each corresponding old-naming vertex group in Your New Anytaur(tm) to match the naming of the new taurbody bones. Since some preserve symmetry and some do not, especially in the wings, just copy-paste each of the bone names out of the Anytaur hierarchy and into your old vertex groups’ names. Every time you find a match, the fixed mesh should leap up and stick to the right bone!

But maybe you have multiple vertex groups that all need to be collapsed onto one Anytaur bone, because the Anytaur rig is so different. In that case, use the VERTEX WEIGHT MIX MODIFIER. Important: this modifier HAS to be first in the list of modifiers, or it won’t work! It’s to the left in the modifiers list, under the wrench icon for “modifiers”. The first slot is the vertex group you’re adding more influences into (it should be an Anytaur one, like hind.spine). The second slot is where you put the group from your original model you want to add. After you put those, you change the dropdown mix method to addition. Rather than applying each modifier as you go, I recommend you duplicate them as needed and get them all ready and moved above your Armature modifier. Then look them over a few times once you think you’ve captured everything, then apply them one after the other when you’re sure it’s all there. There should be a big, immediate improvement in your Anytaur(’s taurbody torso chain, you’re probably doing this for stuff in the taurbody’s torso chain) after this step.

Once you’ve figured out somewhere for all of your preexisting vertex groups to go, and you can freely pose your Anytaur without leaving any vertices behind, it’s time to WEIGHT PAINT TWO THINGS. 

You’ll need to grab the RRA.spacer animation-rig-style control bone (off the Humanoid hips) in Pose mode, rotate it a little (A LITTLE) from the side isometrically, then find the vertex group for the BEND bone and start painting on weight at either full strength 1 yolo (valid) or around .4. Your back should begin to either raise or dip, depending on which way you rotated RRA.spacer. Don’t do too finicky of a job yet, because BEND doesn’t work alone, it operates in conjunction with hind.hips. Find and switch to hind.hips, and add or blur some weight forward into the lower back and belly, just, probably the whole taurbody tube. You want to balance the action of hind.hips and BEND until you get a strong but reasonable-looking response in your taurbody. Moderate the action you get by trying out the levels function on your hind.spine group (though levels is a little bugged currently--click back and forth between the viewport and the hind.spine vertex group a couple times so it doesn’t bump you back to the vertex group you were on previously). Give levels a value less than one to turn it down and free up the action in your BEND and hind.hips, or turn it up somewhat to damp them down if they’re just too freaky/rubbery/bendy. If you’re working with everything way up bright red at one you do risk getting lost in the sauce somewhat, so I recommend toning your hind.spine down to a firm green and working with red in your hind.hips and BEND that you then blur out as necessary. 

Once you can grab RRA.spacer and get an amusing but like... coherent... and goodlooking... response from your torso chain, at least to moderate/reasonable movements :p, add twist bone weight painting to your taurbody thighs if you haven’t already! That’s where the hind thigh twistbones get the top halves of the thighs up to the butt--make sure they’re well-positioned up there, with their heads matching the regular thighbones’ heads, and that they reach the halfway point on the regular thigh bones--and the regular thigh bones get the bottom half of the thigh to the knee. 

ONE NEAT TIP: to prevent butt crunch, move the heads of your thighbones down to the level of the “crease of your buttcheek” (but maintain the same angle as they’re supposed to have; the head of the thighbone should still be ALONG the original thighbone’s line). When your thighs hinge from THERE, they won’t vanish your butt and leave your crotch poking out into the wind when you crouch or sit! However, after moving your thigh bones’ heads, you’ll need to revisit the isometric front view and grab the tails of your twist bones, then move them back into alignment with x. If your leg chain is still properly straight up and down, you can just zoom in and move their tips to touch the dotted line.

Your Anytaur should now be FULLY WEIGHTED to its armature!! Now it’s time to GET THIS BEAST INTO UNITY.

[whyarewecalledtheshipname]

soriku little mermaid thread part 9

(Part 8)

Part 9: Dream Drop Distance

This brings us to the Ursula fight from the beginning of Dream Drop Distance.

Ursula turns her new power against Ariel, and when Eric comes to her defense (which results in the deaths of Ursula’s pet eels RIP), Ursula does her thing.

Y’know, getting humongous. Creating a storm. Trapping Sora and Riku in a vortex.

Oops did I say Sora and Riku? I meant Eric and Ariel.

LMAO Because it’s basically, basically, the very first DDD fight. Smh.

And like. Imagine. I can imagine someone going “well sora and riku fight ursula bc kh always recreates disney fights” BUT BRUH WHY WAS IT THIS FIGHT. Sure, none of that tutorial/intro made sense without context but. Sora and Riku literally reenact the fucking climax of the little mermaid and just? That’s it?? They just pass out and go to Traverse next? This fucking blatant ass parallel is just here—a parallel to a movie where one character has to figure out who’s the one he loves and who’s the clone, because his memory of the one he loves is kinda fucky—and it goes completely unaddressed and unutilized within DDD itself. I guess they just scrapped the idea, and kept Ursula because “water villain”. Why am I even writing this bullshit, what am I even doing here? 🤣

I’m wondering who saves who, is what I’m doing.

Because Eric is technically the one who kills Ursula and saves Ariel. Could Sora end up being the one who saves Riku somehow? (once Sora isn’t fucking trapped in crystal ig) I think it’d make sense in part. Ariel was the one fighting for Eric throughout the whole movie, so now that Eric knows who Ariel is, who his true love is, it’s his turn to fight for her and prove himself and his love.

Like how Riku has saved Sora, well, twice in terms of waking Sora up (and I’m assuming he’ll wake Sora a third time). Maybe it could be Sora's turn soon. This part of the parallel just has me thinking.

(Part 10)

[scroll-of-thought]

Tiktok?

I recently started using tiktok more. Lot’s of cool witches I know and follow have a tiktok, and a lot of them are making some awesome content. Like, @his-craft has been at it for a while, I followed @breelandwalker for all the good witchy content and podcast reminders (but mostly for Penny and Havok, their cats), I found that @traegorn‘s been doing some great stuff on there for a bit, and recently @upthewitchypunx caved and made one too, and their garden is kicking ass. Go look up each of their tiktoks and follow them, and if anyone knows who else I should follow, let me know.

So anyway, now I’m thinking it might be fun to make my own. And I also kinda want to do awesome witchy content, like spellcraft tutorials and analysis, witchcraft discussions, personal discoveries and methods, maybe some vlogs about witchy stuff and daily life, and show off my wonderful chickens of whom I love.

But also I really love making highly edited videos with CGI. Like, part of the reason I did youtube for so long what so I had an excuse to edit together anything from animatics, to gameplay montages, to sequences set to music. It’s just really fun to me. I was bouncing around the idea of making a “dramatic recreation” parody account. Like, picture this scene:

Me “Ok, guys. I was wrapping up this other tutorial when this happened. Don’t worry, the tutorial is still coming, but check this out!”

Jump cut to me standing in front of a mirror

Me “And that’s how you lock a mirror, keeping malevolent entities fro-”

My partner, holding the camera “Oh shit! It’s back!”

Camera turns over my shoulder as we look into the hallway. A mass of black smoke, resembling a face, hovers over the railing of the stairs. We slowly approach.

Me “Hey there little buddy. What’re you doing here?”

We get a little closer. The floating face begins to turn violent looking, snarling.

I suddenly throw something at it and it darts below the railing. My partner runs to look over the railing down the stairs to a 10 foot drop where the door slams shut below.

Me “And stay out!”

I take a moment to adjust my appearance and look at the camera.

Me “and, that’s why I always have salt in my pocket.”

End Tiktok

I have the editing and SFX know how to do something like that. Also I want to do some fake ghost encounters in there. I know I could do fake ghost videos better than so many people, and I was really into practical effects when I was younger, so I want moving furniture and all that stuff without CGI. Another idea, I really want to edit my partner’s reflection out of the mirror, so it looks like there is no camera, and that’s super easy to do, just to confuse people, and could lead to a ton of other videos of me making videos without a camera entirely.

My main problems are as follows:

Firstly, I have no free time, lol. I’m already spending most of my time making 3d models and levels. It’ll have to be next year, after the game is launched and after all the post launch content and possible patches.

I don’t know if I want to real educational witchy content, which would basically be this blog but tiktok edition, or entertaining parody junkfood. I really want to do both, but that brings me to the next problem.

If I get known for making really good fake stuff, and comedic stuff, will my actual witchy content be taken seriously? Or will that line blur?

additionally, my friend really wants to make a ghost hunting channel with me for youtube. If I’m known as the guy who makes fake spirits on tictok, will anything we might be lucky enough to catch survive the accusations?

Should I just not go all out of photo realistic models, particle effects, and editing so it’s obviously fake? Does that take away some of the fun?

If I do the junkfood option, as a real practicing witch of near 20 years, does that reflect poorly on myself and/or other witches? Even if I outright state in the bio that it’s parody and for fun/entertainment. If I do a video about fighting spirits like it’s an anime irl, is that disrespectful to the other content creators giving actual spirit protection advice?

I’ve got some other thoughts and concerns, but those are the main ones on my mind. Even if I don’t do the parody account with CGI videos, I still have the option of doing real witchy content. And videos of my chickens, which is important.

Anyway, just wanted to put my thoughts into text and see if anyone had any thoughts of their own. What kind of stuff would you like to see? Any thoughts on the problems I listed? Anyone think I shouldn’t be worrying about this stuff at 4am?

[notesfromthefielddesk]

Episode 1 - Malinowski

Episode link; https://open.spotify.com/episode/6nIUBg5IthVY6F1caobf1N?si=04759ed73f474e39 

We hear the fizz of the surf and some seagulls

John

Imagine yourself set down surrounded by all your gear alone on a tropical beach, close to a native village, while the dinghy which brought you sails away out of sight.

Now imagine, you look down that beach and see a man. He’s sat behind a desk wearing a tweed suit. Is that a microphone? You head over to investigate and realise he is narrating your actions.

Hi! this is notes from the field desk.

Theme

John

Why don’t you grab a seat… I guess on the sand. I’d offer you a chair but honestly getting this one here was hard enough. It’s a good one though, one of those ones with lumbar support. I insisted on it.

I said “if i’m going to sit behind a desk on a tropical beach for months you better believe i’m having lumbar support.” The guys on the fishing boat were not impressed. You should have seen their faces when they saw the desk.

Oh.. I seem to be sinking in the sand a little, would you mind, yeah if you just grab the other side. (Skuffling) Okay should be good now.

Transport and sinking aside it’s a pretty good office though right? I know you can see it but do you mind if I just describe for the benefit of the tape?

I am sat on Maliu Island just off the coast  of Papua New Guinea. We’re at the North West Shoreline. It’s early morning the sun still rising. Looking out over the bay the lightly rippled sea shimmers in a thousand tints caught briefly on it’s continuously moving surface. In shallow spots amid turquoise vegetation, you see rich purple stones overgrown with weeds. Where the water is smooth unruffled by wind the sky and land are reflected in colours ranging from sapphire to the milky pink shadows of the mist enveloped coastline.

brief silence just washing of waves

John

I know what you’re thinking. Why the desk? I actually think this is a stroke of genius. I was talking to my supervisor, Susan, and she told me theres a debate in anthropology about the separation between field and desk.

You know anthropology? We’re like sociologists who like travel and hate maths.

Just so you know in academic circles that joke kills.

Anyway, apparently theres loads of articles about how anthropologists go to the field and they meet all people. Then they go back to their desks, in the universities and libraries and whatever. And then they write things that don’t relate to the people. Which makes going pointless in the first place. At least I think that’s what they were getting at, I sort of skimmed them, and they seemed to fit with this other idea of mine so… Sort of just ran with it.

My main idea, was that i’d recreate the research of the first anthropologist. Sort of a peer review, what did he get right, what did he get wrong. So i’m recreating “Argonauts of the Western Pacific” By Malinowski.

There were others before him, some old english blokes called Taylor and Frazer. Some people even say this Greek fella Herodetus was the first. But Malinowski was the first one to get the travel bit down. Before him most of these guys relied on reports they got from colonial officers or missionaries or even worse amateurs, usually wealthy people, running around writing nonsense.

Nowadays we’d call Taylor or Fraser armchair anthropologists. Taking the observations done by others and theorising about it. AKA philosophers, am I right?

Not a joke fan, noted.

Malinowski thought that the studies done before him were theoretically strong but the data unscientifically gathered. To successfully study the “other” you had to go and live with them see the world through their eyes. If you lived with them and participated in their community you could make objective observations about how their society worked. He said this becoming native was key and to achieve it you have to stay in the field for at least a year.

So the problem of early anthropology was people not leaving their desks to collect data, and the problem of modern anthropology is people leaving for the desk and forgetting the field. I thought two birds, one stone. I’ll bring the desk to the field.

(Disappointed) Oh. You were wondering about the tweed on a tropical island. Well in scientific study you control the variables right? If I want to see the Trobriand Islands like Malinowski did I need to recreate his experience. He was a posho, and in the photos he wore this weird colonial outfit which I couldn’t find but I figured this would work just as well.

Same deal with my travel route. I flew to Brisbane, not clear how he got there but we will say Brisbane was the starting point. I sailed up the coast from there to Cairns. From there I chartered a boat to Papua New Guinea. I’m not really a big boat guy and it was a lot longer than I expected so I was sick most of the way. But good news, so was Malinowski so we’ll count that as scientific accuracy.

We arrived pretty late at Port Moresby, the capital of Papua New Guinea. Malinowski doesn’t describe it but to be honest, I was a bit disappointed. It’s a massive city. I was sort of hoping to be far flung you know, cut off from civilisation the way Malinowski says you should be. I knew this was a risk though, in the intro to Argonauts Malinowski mentions that even back then in 1915 Native communities were melting away.

I tried to put my disappointment aside. After all, this wasn’t my final destination. And hey look at this, pretty cut off right? I took a car the following morning down the coast to Deba, I know that’s not how he would have done it but I couldn’t find a boat willing to take my desk. At Deba, I managed to bribe my way onto a fishing boat. Now here I am.

I know it’s not really the Trobriand Islands. But Malinowski hung around here and Moresby for a while and with the desk this is as far as I can get. I have now, in the words of Malinowski “spread my nets in the correct place” now it’s time to wait and see what falls into them.

Waves washing on the shore. Drag this out 10-15 seconds, see how it feels in the edit.

John

Seems like no-one coming. So Let’s go over some theory in the mean time. Don’t whine we’ll keep it light. You can paddle while I talk it’s mostly for my notes anyway.

Sound of someone paddling in sea

Malinowski was a functionalist, which means he thought all our social behaviour is an extension of our physical needs. He argued that thinking about it this way you could understand any behaviour, however strange, by understanding what need it filled.

Example, magic, weird right? Malinowski said no. It’s a response to emotional distress. When something bad happens that you can’t explain it’s comforting to fill that void of understanding, with Magic. Malinowski says that’s why magic persists in modern society. Like when you have a shit month and say it’s because mercury is in retrograde, it’s comforting even if you don’t fully believe it.

But this doesn’t just happen after the fact, participating in magic can make us feel like we’re in control of the future, which is strange and scary. That’s like saying “Next month Mercury is in retrograde get the incense ready.”

Remember that guy Frazer I talked about earlier? This is basically his theory of magic and religion. He said people realise they aren’t powerful enough to control nature so they ask higher powers to help. Malinowski loved Frazer, total fan boy, used to carry his book around, so it’s not surprising he borrows a lot of his ideas.

That other guy, Taylor, he would say we’ve advanced as a society beyond the need for magic. Through industrialisation we can control nature. Any magical belief left over in society was a “survival.” It used to serve a useful function in society but now it doesn’t, it’s just a silly ornament that we should throw out. Imagine a twitter atheist bro, “uhh horoscopes are stupid, haven’t you heard of this thing called science.”

Malinowski, not so much a fan of Taylor. He said no Taylor you dummy, society is functional. How can there be a social behaviour that doesn’t have a function. Doesn’t make sense. He said the function probably just changed to serve a different purpose.

Despite that little spat, they all basically agreed in an evolutionary perspective. That less advanced societies are what our society looked like in the past. By studying other people maybe it can help us understand the weird things we do now.

So i’m here to take an objective look at Malinowski’s objective look. A hundred years ago he was on the Trobriand Islands, so now they should look like the UK did in 1920. I suppose that big city at Port Moresby was a good sign they were right.

Oh shit, I’m actually late to teach my tutorial. Just gunna Skype in. In the mean time i’ll leave you with a recording of a passage from “Argonauts of the Western Pacific.”

Waves washing on shore maybe ten seconds

“The goal is, briefly, to grasp the native’s point of view, his relation to life, to realise his vision of his world. We have to study man, and we must study what concerns him most intimately, that is, the hold which life has on him. In each culture, the values are slightly different; people aspire after different aims, follow different impulses, yearn after a different form of happiness. In each culture, we find different institutions in which man pursues his life-interest, different customs by which he satisfies his aspirations, different codes of law and morality which reward his virtues or punish his defections. To study the institutions, customs, and codes without understanding the desires and feelings of these people is, in my opinion, to miss the greatest reward which we can hope to obtain from the study of man.

These generalities the reader will find illustrated in the following chapters. We shall see there the savage striving to satisfy certain aspirations, to attain his type of value, to follow his line of social ambition. We shall see him led on to perilous and difficult enterprises by a tradition of magical and heroical exploits, shall see him following the lure of his own romance. Perhaps as we read the account of these remote customs there may emerge a feeling of solidarity with the endeavours and ambitions of these natives. Perhaps man’s mentality will be revealed to us, and brought near, along some lines which we never have followed before. Perhaps through realising human nature in a shape very distant and foreign to us, we shall have some light shed on our own. In this, and in this case only, we shall be justified in feeling that it has been worth our while to understand these natives, their institutions and customs.”

Waves washing on shore for maybe ten seconds

John

Well…that was… an interesting tutorial. In the end we talked a lot about Malinowski’s diaries rather than argonauts. They were published in 1967, a while after he died. In part probably to protect his reputation, as it turns out. To be honest, I hadn’t read them in depth. But my students said they show he was kind of a racist. More like he was a racist, throughout. He curses the Trobriand Islanders, calls them lazy and stupid. Also it seems like all through his research he was bribing the islanders with tobacco to include him, and dance, or do magic. It all comes across… unscientific.

But I said to them, this is just his diary, his private thoughts. I’m sure, when he went to the field he was able to set his personal prejudice to the side and carry out good research.

They didn’t agree. First they said, objectivity wasn’t possible because people know their being watched and that changes things. They gave the example

From of a photo from Argonauts of the Western Pacific with the caption “A Ceremonial Act of the Kula." A shell necklace is being offered to a Trobriand chief. Behind the guy presenting the necklace is a row of six bowing boys, one of them sounding a conch. All the figures stand in profile, their attention apparently concentrated on the rite of exchange. But if you look again, you see one of the bowing Trobrianders is looking at the camera.

To be honest when you look at the other pictures, Malinowski does look awkwardly out of place. Hardly, a member of the community. And Malinowski definitely skewed the results with the bribes.  

Sorry, the tide is coming in and the waves are now washing onto my brogues. Would you mind helping me shift the desk a bit further up the beach.

General awkward moving the desk sounds.

Sorry where was I? Right, secondly, they said Malinowski was wrong. Those colonial officers and missionaries, it wasn’t that they couldn’t be objective because they weren’t scientists. But because nobody is objective, we’ve all got baggage, things that have happened to us that make us think a certain way.

He couldn’t just leave his racism in the diary because it effected the way he thought about everything. They said when you claim something is objectively true you’re really making a claim about authority.

Remember, before, how we were talking about the evolutionary stuff. They said that is based on the assumption that European civilisation was the peak of human society and everything else is on the same track to becoming that.

They said that’s what colonialism was, British people going around the world claiming they were the height of civilisation so they should be in charge. By being in charge they’d make them better. They called that “The White Mans Burden.” Not the students, the colonial officers. What Malinowkski’s diary proved was that he was just as prejudiced, just as guilty of this way of thinking. He saw them as savages and backwards, less evolved. and that wasn’t just a private opinion, that formed the basis of his theories.

I said, wasn’t that just cancel culture?

They groaned at that. One of them said really cancelling someone was just challenging the authority of their statements and actions. When Malinowski was “cancelled” it challenged the authority of colonial racism. Even if he only thought in private that the Trobriand Islanders were lesser it still effected how he treated them and described them. The same way it effected British colonial officers descriptions and treatment those they ruled.

That’s why anthropology is suspicious of objectivity, because objectivity is a claim to authority and authority leads to misrepresentation and mistreatment. In other words, arriving as an anthropologist and claiming to be able to see someone else society objectively is like saying “I’m big your small, I’m smart, you’re dumb and there is nothing you can do about it.”

They stumped me a bit at the end there, couldn’t really follow, but I did feel hurt. I said “if that’s all true and I’m replicating his work then how am I different from Malinowski. Am I a racist?” It got a bit awkward after that.

Still, I think there is some merit in what I’m doing. I’m not a racist. So I can asses Malinowski’s work, see the flaws. Societies still advance so, i’ll just see how things have changed, have they become like us? I told them I would carry on and prove I could be objective.

Anyway a lot to think about. [Phone ring]

John

Apparently, the students have complained. And Susan has reminded me that my contract requires I teach the tutorials in person. That this fieldwork was not cleared and that I have not done an ethics form. Further, she reminded me that the department does not subscribe to a teleological perspective. I asked what that meant and she said to do some fucking reading for once.

Still, Malinowski teaches us a lot. Fieldwork is still really important in anthropology, you’ve got to go and talk to people and understand their perspectives. That’s his lasting legacy more than the theoretical work. Plus, I suppose his diary teaches us that we should keep an eye on our assumptions. And remember that no matter what we do, like bring a desk to the field, we always sneak into our work. So maybe we should just be upfront about that.

So - would you mind helping to carry this desk to that village? I need to get back or i’ll get fired.

more desk moving noises

I just realised I never asked what you were doing here.

Really!? that’s disgrace-

Theme

This was notes from the field desk written by me John McGrail.  

This episode references

Clifford, John (1983) On Ethnographic Authority in Representations, No. 2 (Spring, 1983)

Dahl, Roald (1988) Matilda published by Jonathan Cape

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1922) Argonauts of the Western Pacific Routledge

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1948) Magic, Science and Religion Waveland Press

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1967) with introduction by Firth, Raymond (1989) A Diary in the Strict Sense of the Term Stanford University Press

Tylor, Edward Burnett (1871) Primitive Culture published by the Cambridge University Press

Young, Michael W. (2004) Malinowski: Odyssey of an Anthropologist 1884-1920 Yale University Press

The sounds were all taken from Freesound. If you can donate to them you totally should, I would not have been able to make this podcast without it.

The sounds were;

Water Lap by snog https://freesound.org/people/snog/sounds/67031/

Sand slidding out of shovel slowly by XfiXy8 https://freesound.org/people/XfiXy8/sounds/467301/

Tropical Ocean Waves » Mau U Mae Beach Waves by tombenedict https://freesound.org/people/tombenedict/sounds/397594/?page=2#comment

Tropical Island by rich wise https://freesound.org/people/richwise/sounds/451743/

The theme music was dark side of my students, posted by Mia Stodzwiekow created by Tadeusz Maszewski https://freesound.org/people/miastodzwiekow/sounds/341770/

[innuendostudios]

Thoughts on The Witness

[no spoilers... this game would be nearly impossible to spoil in text]

Where do I even start?

I guess one thing to know about The Witness is that you can watch the famous 9-minute tracking shot from Nostalghia - where Oleg Yankovsky tries to walk a candle from one end of a drained pool to the other without extinguishing it - in its entirety. (I think it’s the entirety, I left before the clip was over; yeah, Jon, I get it.)

How do we interpret this? I haven’t watched Nostalghia, but I know that scene. Every film major knows that scene. Tony Zhou cited it in discussing lateral tracking shots, how they emphasize environment and create emotional distance from humans in the frame, and how Tarkovsky uses this to make the sequence lonely and arduous. Kyle Kallgren cited it in discussing how YouTube makes critique of certain types of art difficult, and Content ID essentially decides for us what film as a medium is even for.

Jon Blow plays the clip in full with no commentary - or, rather, the game itself is the commentary. There’s a sequence in Indie Game: The Movie where Jon Blow expresses some pain about how his game Braid was received, how he felt no one who played it ever really understood everything he was trying to say with it. That feeling might be ameliorated if he weren’t such a constituionally obtuse motherfucker.

Perhaps the scene is meant to draw parallels between Yankovsky’s dedication to a task that is simple yet difficult and the game’s puzzles, built, as they are, around complexity-through-simplicity. Except, Yankovsky’s Andrei has a personal investment carrying this candle, one Tarkovsky has spent the entire film setting up. I was about five hours into The Witness when I found this clip - more than twice the duration of Nostalghia - and I still didn’t know why I was solving the game’s puzzles or what they were trying to communicate.

Perhaps the scene is meant to draw parallels between the patience it encourages in its audience and the calm, meditative mode all The Witness’ allusions to Buddhism are seemingly on about, to give yourself over to the time investment the game demands of you. Except, Nostalghia asks you to spend nine minutes thinking about one thing; zen Buddhism encourages you to think of nothing; The Witness asks you to spend between fifteen and forty hours thinking about a zillion things. It is not a game about clearing your mind, it’s about filling your mind up. There is little continuity between the thoughtless peace of meditation or Yankovsky’s emotional collapse and the game’s intended “aha” moments.

But the ambiguity, the contextlessness of the scene’s inclusion, means you can’t be sure whether it’s contradictory. If we assume it’s about dedication, and we find a flaw in that worldview, maybe the problem is that we didn’t assume it was about meditation. And vice versa. If it fails to communicate, maybe the problem is us.

The only thing this scene communicates for sure is that Jon Blow wants me to know he watches Tarkovsky.

Jon Blow wants you to trust he knows what he’s doing. That the game is saying something. He also never, ever wants to tell you what it is. (If he could just tell you, he wouldn’t have spent eight years making it into a game, I suppose.) But this operates on completely opposite rules to the puzzles. Puzzles in The Witness are maze-drawing panels with increasing numbers of rules, all conveying their rules nonverbally, through gameplay. You see a symbol you don’t recognize, or a shape you don’t know how to draw, and you try things out, you make assumptions, you fail repeatedly, and then something works, the panel lights up, and you know you got it right. Now you understand what the symbol means.

The theming doesn’t work that way. Whatever theory you have as to what the game’s about, there will be no moment of clarification. Blow has an incredible talent, in fact, for constructing imagery that is hilariously blunt yet still ambiguous. As with Braid, where he crammed a straightforward narrative about memory and regret with allusions to quantum physics and the atomic bomb, The Witness references Einstein, the Buddha, Richard Feynman, romantic poetry, tech culture, game design, and - most of all - itself.

I realize I’m dancing around the subject here, because what the gameplay is (or isn’t) in service of is far easier to talk about than the gameplay itself. The Witness is a big island full of touch screens where you draw lines on grids. That’s it. The island is dense with structures and biomes, impossibly having a desert, a swamp, and three different kinds of forest which appear to be in four different seasons. What it doesn’t have is any reason why you’re there or a justification for solving ~600 line-drawing puzzles other than because Jon Blow wants you to. I was wrong in my video from 2015 to call The Witness narrative-based; the game contains narrative but it is not a narrative game. The island is very pretty, meticulously crafted, and not trying in the slightest to look like a real place. It is Myst minus everything people like about Myst.

Absent a reason for my character - if I’m even playing a “character” - to solve the puzzles, why am I, the player, solving them? The short answer is, “Because they’re there. You knew what you were buying. You solve the puzzles because it’s a puzzle game, do I gotta draw you a diagram?” (No, you need me to draw 600 diagrams.) That is unsatisfactory because the island is clearly more than an elaborate menu system.

Do I solve them because they’re interesting? I mean, they’re not bad, if you’re into Sudoku or, like... cereal boxes. In and of themselves, they’re not my cuppa. People told me about a repeated sense of epiphany the game provoked for them, but that’s not the way I experienced it. Every puzzle is so carefully tutorialized that I never felt I was making an intuitive leap. There is no lateral thinking in The Witness, it is strictly longitudinal. You get a row of puzzle panels, and you take them one by one (you are, in fact, prevented from jumping ahead), each one building on what it taught you. And they get hard, certainly, but each is the logical progression of the one before. And each is a marvel of nonverbal communication, but that’s more Jon being clever than it is me. This is not to judge people who did get a feeling of discovery; one person’s “aha” moment is another’s “yeah, Jon, I get it.”

(Aside: I did get a proper “aha” moment when I came to a panel that could be solved two ways. It controlled a moving platform; draw one line, the platform moves right, draw the other and it moves left. And I thought, “Huh, I guess I get it, but those shapes seem kind of arbitrary.” But then, while it was moving, I realized the platform itself mirrored what I had drawn; the two designs were what shape the platform would take when connected with each endpoint! And I went “oh fuck, oh fuck, that’s clever, that‘s really clever.” My first epiphany. It was the most Myst-like the game got, it was clearly not the kind of experience Jon Blow was interested in recreating much, and it took place 7 hours in.)

Do I solve them because I’m compelled? In the first play sessions, I asked myself several times, “Do I even like this?” The game is often tedious and frustrating and I regularly muttered “fuck off, Jon.” But I kept playing. I got annoyed when people interrupted me. I got a hideous case of Tetris effect. They’re not the kind of puzzles you can spend the day thinking through, like you would with Myst or Riven; they’re too abstract to visualize without them right in front of you. And the world is pretty but it’s not a place I wish I could visit, like I would with, again, Myst or Riven. But I kept going back. I solved puzzles less because I found pleasure in finishing them than I found displeasure in them being unfinished. Jon Blow has given talks on how game design focused on being “addictive” is basically evil - his word, not mine. And yet... it felt more like I was playing his game because I was hooked than because I was enjoying myself.

Do I solve them because I trust Jon Blow? Because I believe this will all amount to something? Jon certainly expects me to trust him. The game blares PROFUNDITY AHEAD constantly. (I remind you it quotes the Buddha.) But, in the years since Braid, I have grown less impressed with Jon Blow’s “art game genius” shtick. One fun bit about playing The Witness so late is finally reading all the discourse, and, well before finishing the game, I had read the thoughts of Andrew Plotkin, and Liz Ryerson, and Andi McClure - all of whom are brilliant - so I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting into. What’s surprised me is, having gotten to the first ending - not the secret ending - what the game is up to still isn’t clear. There are enough allusions to heady ideas that you can infer some stuff, but the default ending - while pretty enough - adds nothing and reveals nothing. And getting the True Ending means completing the In the Hall of the Mountain King section, something many will never find and precious few will ever complete. (Debating whether I’m going to even try.) If Jon Blow wants you to trust that he’s going somewhere with this, he makes you wait a long time before finding out if it’s worth it. [EDIT: turns out the secret ending comes after a different set of obscure puzzles than Hall of the Mountain King.]

Which leads me back to my original conclusion: I am solving the puzzles because Jon Blow told me to.

I suspect the arc Jon wants is for me to begin solving puzzles because I want to know what they’re in service of, what point Jon is trying to make, and then spend so long on them that I forget about the destination and just wrap myself up in the work, and, after dozens of hours on the hardest of the hard puzzles, Jon will finally reveal that the point he was making was about the labor I have just done. That he couldn’t tell me what it was for until I’d already done it. That the labor was its own reward. And how much you like The Witness is going to depend on whether or not you feel ripped off.

The overall impression The Witness left me with was less of meditation than discipline. (I have joked that playing The Witness feels like being in a D/s relationship with Jon Blow and not knowing the safe word.) Jon presents a simple concept and then expects you to solve every. single. permutation. of that concept. You do the work to find out what it’s about, and then what it’s about is the work. That game is about itself. The subject of The Witness is solving The Witness. It’s about purity of design, about simplicity, about slowly mastering a set of skills. (That these skills are neither inherently pleasurable to perform nor applicable in any other context seems not to matter; the point is, you learned them.) It’s hard not to read a game fixated on the beauty of its own design as all kinds of smug.

I allowed myself to be spoiled on the True Ending, and it seems, in the eleventh hour, if you draw lines til your fingers bleed, the game makes room for self-critique, questioning whether all this dedication to design actually is, in any way, meaningful or useful to us. Which, just a little bit, smacks of an artist spending two years making a sculpture of himself, chiseled to make him look a perfect Olympian beauty, only to label it “EGOISM.” Ooo. Make you think.

I suspect, in the end, I played it to (partial) completion because I was curious. I didn’t necessarily buy Jon Blow’s hype, but his hype is intriguing. As a portrait of a certain mindset, a monomaniacal obsession with design for design’s sake, the folk-religion of salvation through technology, and the critique of same, it is fascinating. I know people - smart people - who genuinely love this game, and, if the above is any indication, I clearly love talking about it. I have no regrets.

But, word of advice: if you don’t a) love the puzzles, or b) love the discourse, just walk away. Everything will be fine.

[ftauriellas]

            chicago’s  very  own  auriella  yates  has  been  spotted  on  madison  avenue  driving  a  porsche  718  spyder  ,  welcome  !  your  resemblance  to  jasmine  tookes  is  unreal  .  according  to  tmz  ,  you  just  had  your  twenty - fifth  birthday  bash  .  your  chance  of  surviving  new  york  is  uncertain  because  you’re  guileful  ,  but  being  unadulterated  might  help  you  .  i  think  being  a  virgo  explains  that  .  three  things  that  would  paint  a  better  picture  of  you  would  be  the  lingering  scent  of  her  perfume  on  crisp  white  sheets  ,  the  soft  touch  of  short  satin  dresses  against  her  thighs  ,  and  the  soft  glistening  of  diamonds  during  golden  hour  .

            hi  again  ,  kitty  gorls  !  it’s  jin  showing  up  on  your  dash  for  the  last  time  with  my  sweet  peach  miss  auriella  yates  .  she’s  a  rendition  of  a  hailey  b  .  chara  that  i  have  ,  so  she’s  quite  the  mess  ,  but  as  lovable  as  ever  !  as  you’ve  probably  figured  ,  i  didn’t  have  much  muse  for  guiliana  anymore  so  i  decided  it  was  best  to  let  her  go  and  bring  someone  else  (  also  ,  i’m  really  sorry  about  not  fulfilling  that  starter  call  .  please  don’t  hate  me  🥺  )  .  my  muse  is  soaring  for  auriella  so  be  prepared  for  me  to  slide  into  your  dm’s  for  plotting  up  a  storm  !  that  being  said  ,  here’s  another  long  one  !

basic  information  .

FULL  NAME  :  auriella  kaia  yates  .

NICKNAME(S)  :  auri  ,  mostly  .

BIRTHDATE  +  AGE  :  september  9th  ,  1997  +  22  .

ZODIAC  :  virgo  .

HOMETOWN  :  chicago  ,  il  .

GENDER  :  cis  female  .

NATIONALITY  :  american  .

ETHNICITY  :  african  american  ,  brazilian  ,  west  indian  , barbadian  ,  and  european  .

HEIGHT  :  5′5″  .

LABEL(S)  :  the  harlequin  ,  the  trust  fund  baby  ,  the  vainglorious  ,  the  coquette  ,  and  the  sovereign  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

LANGUAGE(S)  SPOKEN  :  english  and  learned  basic  french  in  high  school  .

OCCUPATION  :  socialite  ,  makeup  artist  ,  and  businesswoman  .

POSITIVES  :  impulsive  ,  alluring  ,  unadulterated  ,  facetious  ,  and  melodious  .

NEGATIVES  :  complaintive  ,  acquisitive  ,  guileful  ,  starry - eyed  ,  and  bellicose  .

biography  .

            auriella  yates  is  the  sixth  child  of  eight  ,  born  to  simone  and  joshua  yates  in  the  windy  city  of  chicago  ,  illinois  .  she  has  three  older  brothers  (  chance  ,  charles  ,  and  clark  )  ,  two  older  sisters  (  adriana  and  amelia  )  ,  and  a  younger  brother  and  sister  (  calvin  and  aurora  )  .  patrick  and  simone  for  some  reason  found  joy  in  naming  their  sons  with  c  names  and  their  daughters  with  a  names  ,  but  it  works  for  them  nonetheless  .  the  family  could  afford  such  a  grandiose  lifestyle  in  chicago  thanks  to  simone’s  lifestyle  and  wellness  brand  called  honey  &  lemon  (  goop  ,  who  ?  )  that  has  since  expanded  from  a  newsletter  to e - commerce  ,  pop - up  shops  ,  a  magazine  ,  and  a  podcast  .  patrick  ,  on  the  other  hands  ,  is  a  famous  vegetarian  chef  that  has  launched  three  cookbooks  while  also  having  his  own  cooking  series  on  the  food  network  along  with  a  cookware  partnership  at  target  .  together  ,  they  own  a  vegetarian  restaurant  in  downtown  chicago  called  lemongrass  .

            growing  up  ,  since  auriella  had  so  many  siblings  ,  she  never  had  an  uneventful  day  .  their  parents  strongly  believed  in  their  children  playing  outside  instead  of  being  stuck  in  front  of  the  television  all  day  ,  so  they  often  took  advantage  of  their  large  backyard  when  they  lived  in  the  suburbs  of  chicago  .  they  were  the  parents  who  let  their  rowdy  bunch  ruin  their  perfect  grass  because  they  wanted  to  play  in  the  mud  .  their  parents  may  have  afforded  them  luxuries  that  others  didn’t  have  and  while  their  parents  had  been  busy  people  ,  patrick  and  simone  refused  for  their  children  to  be  raised  by  nannies  .  they  were  heavily  involved  with  everything  that  their  children  did  ,  ranging  from  their  pre - school  graduations  to  their  high  school  proms  .

            auriella  had  always  been  a  rather  outgoing  girl  throughout  high  school  ,  and  she  knew  she  was  cute  so  she  started  an  instagram  page  when  she  was  about  thirteen  or  so  .  originally  ,  her  pictures  were  just  cringey  dirty  mirror  pics  and  photos  with  her  friends  ,  but  as  she  explored  the  app  more  and  more  ,  she  discovered  makeup  and  her  love  for  it  !  so  ,  despite  the  terrible  youtube - tutorial  makeup  that  she  tried  to  recreate  ,  auriella  never  gave  up  on  her  ability  to  do  better  .  as  she  moved  through  high  school  ,  her  makeup  skills  got  better  and  better  ,  so  once  she  graduated  ,  auriella  knew  what  she  wanted  to  do  in  life  !

            she  went  on  to  attend  make  up  first  in  chicago  ,  and  obtained  certificates  in  basic  makeup  i  +  ii  ,  media  makeup  ,  and  media: runway  ,  editorial  ,  and  fashion  .  once  she  was  finished  with  her  schooling  ,  auriella  went  on  to  grow  her  brand  and  get  her  name  out  there  .  she  used  instagram  a  majority  of  the  time  ,  and  thanks  to  that  and  word  of  mouth  ,  she  grew  a  significant  following  and  went  on  to  have  a  few  celebrities  under  her  belt  .  thanks  to  the  help  of  her  parents  ,  auriella  decided  that  she  wanted  to  get  into  the  makeup  business  entirely  ,  and  decided  to  stick  her  foot  into  makeup  production  .

            the  brand  originally  only  focused  on  her  favorite  thing  :  eyeshadow  palettes  !  the  palettes  were  originally  rather  small  ,  consisting  of  four  to  six  colors  as  they  perfected  the  formula  .  she  eventually  began  to  receive  rave  reviews  and  decided  that  it  was  time  to  expand  into  everything  else  :  mascaras  ,  lip  products  ,  foundations  ,  blushes  ,  highlighters  and  everything  else  under  the  sun  .  from  there  ,  kaia  beauty  is  now  being  sold  in  sephora  ,  ulta  ,  and  on  kaiabeauty.com  !  she  had  the  second  largest  foundation  drop  (  following  fenty  beauty  because  we  stan  miss  rihanna  in  this  house  )  .  

            that  being  said  ,  running  her  own  business  is  one  that  auriella  is  still  getting  used  to  despite  it  being  two  years  since  the  launch  .  she’s  thankful  for  the  expansion  of  her  brand  and  she’s  still  working  out  of  her  townhouse  because  she  hasn’t  found  the  perfect  space  for  a  headquarters  just  yet  !  it’s  one  of  her  biggest  dreams  at  the  moment  and  she  wants  to  expand  kaia  beauty  into  skincare  but  the  end  of  the  year  .  

personality  .

the  label  she  mostly  identifies  with  would  definitely  be  the  harlequin  .  she  can  be  really  loud  and  playful  at  times  ,  and  she  can  easily  get  called  out  for  not  taking  things  seriously  .  

at  the  same  time  ,  though  ,  she  can  be  pretty  sexual  in  her  speech  .  she  has  no  problem  with  people  looking  at  her  differently  for  doing  so  .  she  really  lets  a  lot  of  things  roll  off  of  her  shoulders  ,  but  she’d  be  a liar  if  she  said  that  some  things  didn’t  get  to  her  .

auriella  can  be  really  full  of  herself  and  simple  compliments  can  typically  leads  to  her  going  on  and  on  about  herself  ,  so  please  feel  free  to  shut  her  up  at  any  given  time  !  much  like  anyone  her  age  ,  she  can  be  found  prowling  around  on  instagram  or  twitter  and  can  never  go  shopping  without  taking  at  least  three  to  seven  mirror  selfies  .

headcanons  .

she  lives  in  a  beautiful  townhouse  on  west  fourth  street   and  she’s  really  proud  to  say  it  because  she  bought  it  with  her  own  money  !  she  likes  to  be  different  so  she  really  hates  range  rovers  and  instead  drives  an  audi  q5  !  sounds  kinda  dumb  since  she  lives  in  nyc  ,  but  she  likes  it  because  it  gives  her  freedom  to  go  where  she  wants  when  she  wants  to  .

she  never  leaves  the  house  without  a  purse  and  never  without  a  pair  of  earrings  on  (  she  thinks  she’s  ugly  without  them  ) .  she’s  obsessed  with  all  things  cartier  and  she  loves  to  accessorize  ,  but  not  to  much  .  she  keeps  scrunchies  in  her  purse  at  all  times  ,  so  if  you  need  one  just  ask  !

when  it  comes  to  her  style  ,  i  draw  a  lot  of  inspiration  from  instagram  if  i’m  being  honest  .  she  wears  a  lot  of  denim  shorts  ,  oversized  tees  ,  cropped  sweaters  ,  bodysuits  ,  chunky  sneakers  ...  honestly  ,  the  whole  nine  yards  .  for  some  examples  click  x  ,  x  ,  x  ,  x  ,  x  ,  and  x  .

she’s  been  vegetarian  since  she  was  a  kid  because  that’s  all  her  dad  ever  cooked  !  sometimes  the  scent  of  meat  makes  her  sick  and  sometimes  she  fakes  it  so  people  will  leave  her  alone  .  she’s  definitely  the  one  who  shows  up  to  the  function  with  her  fake  burgers  ,  but  you  know  she  has  a  bottle  of  vodka  along  with  it  .

finds  joy  in  doing  the  little  things  ?  she’s  not  the  greatest  at  art  but  really  enjoys  buying  a  canvas  and  trying  her  best  to  recreate  or  create  something  !  probably  gets  a  lot  of  art  ideas  from  tik  tok  (  those  kids  are  seriously  talented  )  and  really  likes  to  do  her  makeup  even  when  she  has  no  place  to  go  .  she  loves  laying  on  her  couch  and  doing  nothing  (  and  sometimes  she  might  be  kinda  naked  when  she  does  it  )  .

secret  .

okay  so  ,  auriella’s  secret  is  that  an  ‘  anonymous  ’  source  leaked  her  nudes  to  the  press  ,  but  her  parents  paid  off  publications  from  releasing  them  .  that  was  mostly  done  because  she  was  about  17 / 18  in  those  pictures  but  of  course  they’re  not  age  on  them  so  there’s  that  !  the  source  of  course  wasn’t  that  anonymous  and  it  turned  out  to  be  an  ex  (  which  is  really  gross  so  this  won’t  be  a  wanted  connection  )  ,  but  she’s  not  ashamed  of  them  by  any  means  !

[kumawrites]

Love Tutorial (NOT CLICKBAIT)

Shinso x fem!Reader

A/N: hi lovelies i’m back with, you guessed it, more shinso!!! this fic is 100% self indulgent bc i absolutely love makeup lol. i’m trying out a bunch of different things in terms of formatting so like tell me if this section looks ugly LMAO. anyways pls enjoy !!

words: 3.8k

summary: You’re a popular Beauty Guru™ and Shinso is primarily a commentary channel. He follows one of your tutorials, only to be surprised by you talking about how fine he is.

—

“That will be all for this video, if you enjoyed it please show some love by clicking on the like button, and if you like me, subscribe! Like always, feel free to tag me if you recreate this look, I love seeing all of your posts! I’ll see you Earthlings later, bye!” With both hands waving and a bright smile, you successfully finished filming your outro that you have possibly said three hundred times.

Before you could even get a word out, Mina was screaming into the phone. “Y/N? OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS. I’M FREAKING OUT FOR YOU! AHHHH!” You winced, not expecting her to be that loud. Sure, you knew quite well that she could get loud, but that’s because she gets excited. So to be this noisy must mean something big is happening.

“Why, hello to you too Mina. How’s my day going? Good! Thank you for asking. I would ask how yours is going but from the sound of it, I’ll assume pretty good.” You snickered into the phone.

“Well, my dear Y/N, it’s about to be even better than just good!” Mina’s volume was significantly lower, but you could still tell just how excited she was.

“Oh really? What’s going to make my day better than? Wait let me guess, NikkiTutorials resigned and gave up her spot as the most iconic beauty guru and gave it to me?” You snorted. If only.

“No! It’s even better!” The pitch of Mina’s voice kept raising higher and higher.

“Okay, okay, spit it out Mina. You’re really making me curious and I don’t know if I should be worried or not.” You grabbed your glass of water from you table and took a sip. Gross, warm. But it was too much work to get a new glass so you began downing this one.

“SHINSO HITOSHI DID A REACTION VIDEO TO ONE OF YOUR TUTORIALS!” You choked on your water and half of it went down the wrong way. You began coughing and Mina, the little bitch, didn’t say anything while you were dying. You could imagine her just sitting there, waiting for you to respond after your coughing fit.

After getting it all out, you swallowed, eyes still wide. “Mina, you’re not joking right now, are you? Because if you are, I know where you live, and I won’t hesitate, bitch.”

“I’m not! I’m really not! Check his channel, he, like, just uploaded it!”

You grabbed your laptop and opened Google Chrome. “Call me back on FaceTime, rat.” You told Mina before hanging up on her. You typed YouTube into the search bar while Mina called you back. When you answered, you could see that she was also in her filming room.

Mina, like you, is a beauty YouTuber that is well known for her flawless skin, even though she has the simplest skincare routine you have ever seen. Her chipper personality also drew in a ton of fans towards her channel. The two of you had met through YouTube and were soon to find out that you lived in the same city. Your friendship really bloomed then, and you basically live at each other’s houses.

You got onto YouTube, and lo and behold, there it was. Obviously you were subscribed to Shinso’s channel, so the first video of pop up was his. It was titled “i learn how to become beautiful” and his thumbnail was him with his signature “kill me now” face on with some patchy, hot pink, glitter eyeshadow all over his eyelids. But also, you were there! You were in his thumbnail which could only mean one thing: this was real.

“HOLY SHIT MINA, I’M IN HIS THUMBNAIL.”

“I KNOW! NOW WATCH THE VIDEO! I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET THOUGH SO TURN THE VOLUME UP.” She screeched and you did.

You clicked on the video and there he was, Shinso Hitoshi, looking as good as ever. His tired eyes that screamed “I could die at any given moment” and his messy hair that somehow defied physics. It has to be downright illegal to look that hot. Today he was sporting one of his merch items, a hoodie that had simple print on the front of it saying: I’m Shinso Over This. Of course you owned that very sweatshirt. You would never miss out on a chance to buy his merch.

“Hi. I’m back, unfortunately.” His tone was as dry as it always was. “I was harassed into doing this, go bully Denki on Twitter because this is all his fault. But today I’m going to be making myself beautiful with the help of Y/N. Okay, she’s not actually helping me, but I’m going to watch one of her tutorials.” Your heart pounded as he mentioned you. One of creators that you loved the most is going to follow one of your tutorials. You could die happy now.

“HE SAID YOUR NAME!” Mina shrieked from your phone and you nodded eagerly as you kept your eyes glued to the computer.

“I’m going to choose this one, “EASY Valentines Day Makeup Tutorial + Q&A!” because it says easy.” You watched as your face from the most recent Valentine’s Day popped up. In the intro, you had already filmed the tutorial part and were wearing the full face. It was a fairly easy look, to you at least.

You had done a simple glitter cut-crease, primarily using warm toned reds and pinks with some winged liner and false lashes for your eyes. Your face had some sharper contour and heavy blush that trailed from one cheek to another, using your nose like a bridge. And of course, you had used a super glittery highlighter that reflected with all of your studio lights. You had also used a maroon liquid lip.

“Greetings, Earthlings! It’s me, Y/N, and I’m here to do another tutorial! Today we’re going a Valentines Day themed full face, and I’m also going to be answering some love related questions you asked me on Twitter since it is Valentines Day after all. If you’d like to recreate this look, as always I listed all the products I’m going to use down in the description!” You pointed your fingers downwards. “Without further ado, let’s get started!”

Shinso paused your video and held up a Sephora bag. “I spent so much money on this stuff, and I’m never going to use it again.” He lazily drawled. The fact that he made eye bags hot was insanity. You wanted to cry for him because some of the products you used were unnecessarily expensive.

Shinso unpaused your video and you had begun priming your face. He dug around in the Sephora bag before pulling out the primer you were using. As he squirted some on his fingertips, he made an especially disgusted look as he felt the consistency of it. He watched as you spread it all over your face, and copied you.

“She didn’t lie when they said easy.” He mused. Mina and you both cackled through your phone. Primer was possibly the easiest step ever because it didn’t affect the way you looked whatsoever. “Uhh, okay now she’s putting on, uhhh, foundation?” He grabbed a bottle of foundation out of the bag along with a Beauty Blender. “The people at Sephora said this was my skin colour, so I’ll believe them.” Shinso shrugged and set the bottle down to get the Beauty Blender out of the box.

You began blending the foundation into your skin and Shinso did the same. “Alright! First question from Andrea! ‘Are you dating anyone right now?’ wow Andrea, you sure did get straight to the point. Unfortunately no, I’m not in a relationship right now.” You had finished your foundation and had moved on to concealing your under eyes.

Shinso hummed as he watched as you put a relatively small amount of concealer under your eyes and looked into the camera, somehow making his eye-bags even more prominent. “Look, I don’t know much about makeup, but I know I’m going to need more concealer than that. Also I’m surprised that they’re not dating anyone. She’s too good looking to be single.” So he unscrewed the concealer tube, and absolutely went to town. He put on so much concealer that you were almost concerned.

“Mina did you hear that?” You asked in a breathless tone.

“Sure did.”

You were already in awe that the great Shinso Hitoshi was even watching your video, but the fact that he called you good looking? Your heart was practically leaping out of your chest as you watched with wide eyes. Your biggest YouTube crush had called you attractive. What a good day.

In your tutorial, you had finishing blending the concealer in and was moving onto baking your under eyes. You dipped your Beauty Blender into the loose powder and stamped it down underneath your eyes. “Now I’m going to let that bake, so I’m going to go ahead and do my eyeshadow right now!” Shinso gave a confused look and paused the video. He applied the powder somehow everywhere but under his eyes. It was honestly impressive how bad he was at this.

“I’m baking? What am I baking?” He furrowed his eyebrows, clearly very confused.

“For my eye look, I’m going to start with this light pink shade called, ‘Love’. How fitting. I’m going to swipe that into my crease and I’ll follow that up with this more hot pink that will go all over my lid. Then, I’m going to deepen my crease with this almost maroon shade and then I’ll cut my crease using the concealer we used earlier and this flat brush.” Shinso looked like you had just grown two heads in front of him. He had no idea what you were doing to your face.

You watched as he messily some hot pink shade onto his lid, rapidly blinking the whole time, not used to someone so close to his eye. He was not going to like tight-lining. He eventually attempted to cut the crease and looked absolutely dead when it was completely too much of his lid.

“I want to die.” He muttered while looking at the camera. His eyes had somehow lost even more life than what he began with, which was, not much.

“Here’s another question that’s coming from Kelsey! She asks: ‘Who do you think the hottest YouTuber is? I personally really like Bakugo Katsuki!’ Oh I’d definitely have to say Shinso Hitoshi! That man is illegally fine.” What did you just say? Your eyes went wide as you listened to yourself. You had completely forgotten what questions you answered in this video, and now Shinso Hitoshi knows that you think he’s hot. But you didn’t stop there.

“One hundred percent, anyone could throw down with me on this one. Shinso Hitoshi is the hottest YouTuber out there. He could curb stomp me, kill my family, and rob me of all of my belongings and I’d still say thank you.” Why did you ever say that. Mina was absolutely losing it on her side, unbelieving that those words had even made it past editing on your part. Why would you even keep that in the video. You wanted to die.

Shinso on the other hand looked very amused, letting out a chuckle of his own. “Didn’t know I was so popular. I’m honestly kind of flattered. But I wouldn’t curb stomp her. Can’t mess up that pretty face.” This was the end of your career. You’re never going back online ever again.

The you doing the tutorial had just begun applying loose glitter onto your lid. “So after applying this glitter base, I’m going to pat this glitter in. If you drag it, it’ll get absolutely everywhere since this glitter is super chunky. So, just lightly pat it in like this.” Shinso did as you told and still managed to have glitter cascading down, covering his black hoodie.

You had moved onto eyeliner and he looked like he was actually going to die, right then and there. He watched you tight-line your eyes and didn’t even attempt it. After creating a wing that looked like it could fly off of his face any moment, Shinso attempted to put a pair of false lashes on. Somehow, they were stuck to his eyelid, rather than where his lashes were. He followed you as you brushed the bake off. You were then moving onto contour, where he managed to make it look like he had rolled in dirt. Apparently, he had no idea where to put contour on his face so he ended up putting it far too high.

The step you were on now involved putting copious amounts of blush on when you answered your next question. “Alright and this one is from Jennie! ‘If you could date anyone, who would it be?’ I guess I hinted at this earlier, but Shinso Hitoshi all the way. I just want to like, hold his hand. I know, scandalous. But really, my thirst for that man is actually unquenchable.” You said with a straight face as you took a sip of water and then winked to the camera.

“Hey Mina, when I die in the next few minutes, can you make sure to clear my search history. Actually, just wipe my whole computer clean.” You sighed as you buried your face into your hands. This was awful. Out of all the tutorials you had on your channel, Shinso Hitoshi just had to pick the one where you basically confess your undying love for him. Mina simply laughed, promising absolutely nothing. Traitor.

On the other hand, Shinso was grinning. It was one of those grins. One that you knew would never let you live this down, and he doesn’t even know you personally. “Seems that I’ve got a fan. I’d love to hold hands, Y/N, you just have to let me know.” His voice drawled, deep and raspy. It would be hotter if his face didn’t look like someone shook up a bag of crushed makeup and threw the contents at him. To be honest, he really just looked like a big train wreck. But, it was still hot, nonetheless.

He did eventually finish the look, setting it all using far too much setting spray. But instead of holding his usual stoic, tired look, he looked like he was planning something. The corners of Shinso’s mouth were still turned up in a sly smirk, and you had a feeling that something was going to happen. You might as well die before you find out to save yourself the embarrassment.

“Well, I can’t say I enjoyed putting on the makeup, but I did enjoy watching Y/N talk about me. Y/N, if you’re watching me, send me a message and we can collab. Or maybe hold hands.” His mouth opened up and his killing grin hit you. This is it. This is where you die. You were internally screaming at the top of your lungs. God, you hated how hot he was even though he looked like Boo Boo The Fool.

“DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT HE SAID?” Mina screamed out loud for you. Oh god, you were absolutely mortified.

“Well, that’ll do it for this one, if you liked watching me ruin my face, I have more awful videos for you to watch. And even if you didn’t, it’s too late because you’ve already given me ad revenue. If I don’t post my next video soon, safely assume that I’ve died. I might see you next time, bye.” Shinso said his usual outro and you slumped back onto your chair. You looked at Mina on your phone who was grinning ear to ear. Oh no.

“Message him.”

“Absolutely not I would rather die, right here, right now than talk to Shinso Hitoshi about how I confessed my undying thirst for him. So, that means I’m going to die. I want a granite headstone.” You groaned as you stared up at the ceiling.

“You don’t even have to say anything about that though! Anyways, you probably should talk to him. You could just say that you enjoyed his video and thank him for what basically was, a free shoutout. I think it’d be wrong if you didn’t message him at all.” Mina suggested, and well, she wasn’t wrong. It’d be rude to just ignore the fact that Shinso has put hard work and money into making this video. The least you could do was say a simple thank you.

You groaned as you sat up, grabbing your phone from where it was leaned against. “God, I hate when you’re right. I’ll message him though. I’m going to go ahead and hang up then because I still have another video I want to shoot.”

“Yes of course! But make sure to send me screenshots, I NEED to know how this goes down! I’ll talk to you later!” And with that, the FaceTime call was ended. Now you had to will yourself into messaging Shinso and making it seem normal. You would just have to completely ignore all of the moments you called him hot, and hope that he doesn’t bring them up too.

You opened up Instagram and searched up his handle. You were really going to do this. It was now or never, and if you backed out and never messaged him, Mina would never let you live it down and would probably end up messaging him herself. So to avoid embarrassment that would be even worse than what has already been done, you had to message him.

“Hi! I saw your latest video and I wanted to say thank you so much for featuring my video! It really means a lot. Also, I hope you bought an oil based makeup remover, because that stuff is hard to get off. Especially the glitter!” That was appropriate and calm, wasn’t it? You hit send and hoped that he would stay on topic and not mention the fact that you completely exposed yourself.

You sat down your phone and groaned. What if he thought that you were really creepy and was just leading you on to eventually public ally humiliate and ruin you, ending your career as you know it? That was probably a bit extreme, and rationally you knew he would never do such a thing, but you were paranoid.

As you were drowning in your sorrows, a notification popped up on your phone. It was him. He replied so fast that you were taken aback.

“hey thanks. i’m glad you’re not mad that i used your video without permission lol. and no, i didn’t buy one bc no one told me to. but i did get the makeup off with a lot of scrubbing. i was serious about wanting to collab. would you want to do that?” Your face was burning at this point. Collabing with Shinso sounding like an actual dream.

“Absolutely! I would love to! And ouch, is your skin okay? Too much exfoliating can really irritate the skin!”

“yes, i’m okay. i didn’t scrub too much skin off. and great. you live in LA right?? i do too. we should work out a date sometime to talk. we could even hold hands if you wanted to lol.” Oh god, he went a did it. You wanted to scream.

“Ahaha, yes let’s do that! And sorry about all of the rambling about uhh, you. It must’ve felt weird.” Should your casket be wood? A polished, dark oak wood sounded nice. You would look lovely in that casket after you died of sheer embarrassment. But would it look fine alongside a granite headstone? Maybe it should be marble.

“not at all. i’m very flattered. but letting you know, don’t expect me to curb stomp you. i don’t think i’m strong enough to do that. but we can definitely go on a date, and maybe your thirst will go away.” This time, you actually did scream, straight into your pillow. This is the end of you.

You screenshotted the conversation so far and sent it to Mina. You did promise to keep her updated.

She responded, not even a minute later, with far too many emojis. The winky face, the side-looking eyes, and of course, the cowboy. Sometimes, just sometimes, you really hated Mina. But not really.

“WTF DO I RESPOND TO THAT HE LITERALLY JUST INSINUATED THAT HE'S GOING TO DO,,,, STUFF.” You hurriedly typed to Mina. You could imagine her right now, cackling as you watched you panic.

“Just call him hot and catch him off guard LOL. Or say like ur thirst can never be quenched.” You were about to do it. There wasn’t anything else that you could think to say to him that was normal sounding, so maybe this would work? Should your flowers be lilies? Or perhaps daisies would work. Something nice to remember you by. You don’t want your death to be too sad.

“Unfortunately, I don’t think my thirst can go away. It’s pretty intense.” You typed something real ballsy out, as you went to hit ‘select all’ to delete it, somehow, you had sent it to him instead. Amazing! You were going to have a stroke!

“oh? well, we’ll have to see about that, huh? anyways, here’s my number: xxx-xxx-xxxx. we can talk about our date later. i have to film another video to make sure people know i’m not dead. talk to you later, doll.”

Ah, the nail in the coffin. You really were dead now. You didn’t even get to plan what you were going to write on your gravestone.

You copied his number and put it into your contacts. Even though you were incredibly embarrassed about all of this, you were definitely going to use that later. Not only to plan a collaboration.

—

my amazing girlfriend does my makeup correctly (ft. Y/N)

[goffilolo]

Demise!Izuku as a Youtuber?

Yep! You heard me right. Demise server is a strange little land, full of strange little ideas, unfortunitely this one idea in particular wasn’t so little. So without further ado here’s all the shit we came up with in the server in regards to izuku as a youtuber within demise!au:

If Izuku was a YouTuber can you imagine the fucking chaos dumpster fire his channel would be

He's be like an edgy twink Jenna marbles(edited)

Doing Me time every damn day

bandit is jennas dogs

tenya is julien

He'd have weird ass videos like dipping bandits feet in red pet dye then putting a sign on him that says "you pet and you'll meet the last person who dared to"(edited)

And he's also make videos about him breaking into UA and interrupting classes and stuff

"hey gamers, today we're breaking into UA to see my boyfriend and read all of my friend's secret files"

And a video just of him filing Aizawa in weird places and at the end putting him on an inflatable mattress and watching him float away 

He wakes up in Canada

They don't know how or why

He just attaches a go-pro to trash bandit and let's him run wild. He probably has a seriesJust letting him loose in weird places

DONT LET TRASH BANDIT EAT AIZAWA'S SLEEPING BAG AT 3AM | VERY SCARY"hey guys so today ill be doing the 'How many bottles of quil can i steal before i get caught by Tsukabitch' challange. feel free to make a video of your own!" 

He probably dyes Bandit according to holidays and puts him as the profile picture. The kicker is, he only does it for holidays that his country doesn't celebrate

Like 4th of july

And Canada day

"Hewo soulless fuckers it is me your overlord, King of the soulless fuckers. Today I'll be going up to people in the streets and telling them that I killed God and Satan. But y'all know me, that's not enough. So I'll be asking them which one I killed first and if they get it wrong I take a shot of quil. The quil I'll be taking is the plain ol kind so don't worry your little marshmallow heads about it." 

He only makes text posts in OwO speak this just makes me realise demise!izuku would make a great youtuber

He would twitch stream all the time doing the weirdest shit for hours on end

"what is up gamews! today i wiww be weviewing the new game cawwed life! i have been pwaying it fow about 16 yeaws now and i have to say it's pwetty bad my guys!"

I feel like he'd be absurdly popular and whenever someone mentions him and they look up the channel they are like "wth have I stumbled upon?!"

I'm just imagining what his front page would look like

The seasonal trash bandit profile picture, the banner would be a flaming hellscape with people he dislikes burning and trash bandit looming on low opacity in the background 

(He made it so that only people who view it on TV get the full experience.)

He probably has his own segment on buzzfeed unsolved

Not talking

Its about him

The intro video would just be him staring into the camera while mixing together a horrible concoction of quil then downing it without breaking eye contact(edited)

His about section is written in 3 different types of code and it's all in owo if you manage to crack it

i love demise|!izuku as a youtube cryptid

Clown Speak and OwO speak mixed together

I feel like in the beginning Izuku was this obscure YouTuber that you only find out about if someone in the know tells you about it until a bigger YouTuber found him out on a deep dive video and just couldn't stop watching yes

i imagine once he gets big people from react channel would invite him to react to videos of people reacting to his videos 

What if in one of his videos he started acting like his old self just to freak everyone out. He didn't say anything about it instead he talked about hero analysis with a bright smile and trail off into muttering a few times only to blush when he realized it. He have his hair in a ponytail with only bangs framing his face and some messy pieces falling out. Also her be wearing something plain but like old Izuku, maybe hero merch or something. The comment section was just people flipping out and shit

He never acknowledges the video after he made it

No matter how many comments he gets he acts like it doesn't exist

omg you know wha tthat would actually allign with the demise and canon swap places for a da

yand you know what that gives me a lot of feels

the millions of subscribers get to see the old izuku

Maybe after a milestone he would post a video he made in middle school of him analyzing a quirk in video format to make sure it wouldn't get destroyed

And he put a couple videos of younger him after it

But it starts being supporting Izuku

And his present and past self and stuff

PEOPLE MAKE FAN ART first Its all full of trash and memes

What if that picture of canon Izuku meeting demise Izuku was a fan art someone made of his old self meeting the new him 

Kids from his class kinda Piecing together they really screwed up?Some even sending in apologies, perhaps

For mental health day I could see him posting a serious video about what he went through and his time in the mental hospital 

And on national stop bullying day he would talk about his decade of abuse including the details of how the school and teachers fucked up and everything aboutbakugou

izuku using youtrube for shitposting and advocating

And for mothers day he features both Rei and Inko?

Endeavor exposure video

What if Rei helped edit or something?To help pass the time for her

Give her something to do

People love the mysterious editor

I feel like villains watch his content like maybe Dabi

rei and fuyumi sometimes make appearances

Dabi just shows up in the videos

Quickly become faves

I feel like Dabi would become a fan and start crying after seeing his mom happy in one of Izuku's videos

"...and this is rei, my hospital mom and this if fuyumi, her daughter so like my sister she helps me keep my shit together and sometimes gives me quil.." 

dabi crying from seeing his mom happy in some lunatic's youtube videos

“...and this is shin, dont let the looks deceive you this man went to jail"

Shin comes in and covers the cameras a lot

FATHERS DAY IS A PICTURE OF TRASH BANDIT WITH HIS DADS VOICE SCRAMBLED OVER IT

“and this is the local florida woman and her alligator

WHAT IF BNHA VERSE HAD QUIRKLESS AWARENESS WEEKizuku would go ape shit during that week

"who needs a quirk when my dad gave me a gun!"

He would give axe sharpening tips

"Remember kids! Society won't help you, so you gotta help yourself!"

he would make 'how to cook videos' except it would only be quil combos

What if one day he just put quil in the ovenand pulled out a muffin

Remeber, don't try this at home kids." makes A horrifying quil combo "rememer never ever do this even if you have a quirk that allows it." downs the horror concoction

"so today were gonna do my boyriend does my makeup challange and since both me and tenya are dumb and know nothing i borrowed my mums makeup..." 

It’s a given he’s gonna do makeup tutorials. The real question is would they be good or absolutely horrendous?

good or horrendous? Both

Amazing makeup at horrendous things? Hmmm interesting

“Hey guys today I’m turning myself into a real like eldrich abomination with the help of eyeliner and glitter!”

izuku has a whole playlist of videos dedicated to tenya and UA

theyre all jsut shitposty compilations of some footage when tenya isnt looking

Even tho it looks like he couldn't give a fuck he is very selective with which footage makes it online. He's very careful at how much is revealed and makes sure no students or secret identities would be in danger with his content

izuku isnt stupid...hes jsut having a good time

Sneaking into UA highschool by hiding in pro hero eraserhead's sleeping bag | NOT CLICKBAIT

Izuku would totally play carefree and childish games while just being Izuku

Like his animal crossing series

Fucking legendary on his channel in terms of gaming

izuku's sims lets play

it's like a 10 generation long telenovela lowkey based off the todoroki family

He has no straight sims, he recreated UA and class 1a in sims

the wedding of sim izuku and sim tenya is like the biggest party in the sim neighbourhood

He creates endeavor just to lock him in a room with 50 ovens

Omg his draw my life has got to be super depressing

He'd be super blunt and monotone during his whole draw my life going through all of the abuse and bullying that he went through because of his quirklessness and also his suicide attempt and all that jazz(edited) 

izuku would paint on a potato

Izuku would make a get ready with me where he does something totally batshit crazy then ends it with "Ah. Yet another day in my life."

Izuku meets Marie Kondo

“Only keep what brings you joy”

“Well this gun from my father sure brings me joy”

Knifemaking videos but with axes

Izuku decided to do a wardrobe tour and like 4 things were bloodstained which he never addressed. The most popular comment was what happened, which of course he never answered.

Izuku does these new year (like all of the questions from last year) or milestone Q+A’s/AMA's which are basically people just asking a bunch of the things he wouldn't answer or address before. A lot of his viewers write down and timestamp when he does something and doesn't address it. If you don't you'll never hear an answer.

He has his boonk gang phrase which is probably like Bandit gang or some shit like that, which he shouts while breaking into places. UA dorm rooms, UA facility office, UA, Hero Agency’s, Endeavour's bedroom (Don't ask), etc. 

He has a variety of videos where he does things from different communities. For example he has a few hair tutorial and following hair tutorial videos. Same for makeup.I feel like Izuku would also have some dresses and slutty Halloween costumes that be put on in a video all while looking like someone who just had finals and was studying for 4 days straight beforehand.

At like 4AM a thought hit Izuku to have Trash Bandit meet Kouta for the first time and learn what his sheep talks about and what he has to say. Needless to say he took his camera, went to UA, stormed the dorms, went up to the shy kid sheep in hand, looked him dead in the eye, and asked “What is my sheep saying.” bandit speaks and Kouta goes from confused and slightly scared to disgusted and horrified. What did Bandit say? Who the fuck knows…

Izuku loves analysis and while he doesn't do it for heroes anymore when he misses it too much sometimes he does it with tv shows or other things.

Idk what yet but Izuku is weirdly good at something and only showed it on camera once. (He's casually known to be a good artist) Whatever he's good at he did it once for a video and it's in one of the most popular compilation videos of him. 15 minutes of Izuku being a cinnamon roll.

Izuku has a shit ton of videos featuring the UA kids. He has some playlists dedicated to certain ones even if all you see is the back of their head.

Any proceeds Izuku manages to get (he is popular but he gets demonetized a lot) goes to different charities for the quirkless.

He made only 1 serious cooking video on his birthday, but instead of using a knife he used an axe.

He has a video called “My sharp things (tour)” where he just shows off all of his knives and axes and shit along with a massive pair of scissors he got Momo to make.

Izuku makes videos of himself destroying endeavor merch while staring at the camera.

[breonnajaylynnmonzon7-blog]

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[clarkgriffon]

hi sis u seem like a good person to ask because you make awesome gifs, how do you color yours? Like for example that pink effect on your recent gif of Bellamy and Clarke, I’ve seen ppl talk about making psds n stuff but I’ve never understood it it’s the one gif thing I can’t do lol

So there’s a bit to unpack here – I’ll take it step by step under the cut.

For the first bit, how do I color, I’m gonna refer you to this nice tutorial by @daily-hundred​ here. It’s not exactly my process, but it’s pretty close and a great tutorial for your basic gif functions (curves, selective color, color balance, brightness, etc). From the way you phrased the question though, I think you get the basic essentials of gif coloring and are more asking about specific colors like the vibrant pink I used in the last gif of this set.

So, I regret to inform you I can’t give you the exacts of what I did to make that gif as I’ve since deleted my WIP file. But I can try to recreate it for you!

So I’m starting off with this gif- I’ve added my base filters to get their skin tones to the where I want them. I used curves, color balance, selective colors, and brightness/contrast. You’ll notice that this shot I chose has both of them barely moving- there’s a reason for that.

Once you’ve got that basic colored gif, you’ll watch tostart off with a color balance layer. As you can see, I’ve almost fully uppedthe red and magenta. But for this gif particularly, since Bellarke is barely moving,what I can do to make sure their skin tones aren’t affected as well (otherwise their faces would be completely pink) is eraseover the parts where their skin are. As you can see from the little thumbnail wherethe red arrow is pointed, I’ve erased the color balance layer on that part. Ido the same thing with a vibrance layer just to make my color pop more withoutaffecting their faces.

Lastly, now that we’ve got a clearly registered Magenta onthe gif, I go into Magenta and crack up the Reds and the Magentas to reallymake this as PINK as possible. And that’s how I got to the gif above.

If you take a close look above Clarke’s head, since I wasrushing this, there’s a little spot where I went too far with the erasing.Since this is just a recreation for a tutorial, I left it, but when you’re giffing,pay attention to how much you erase if you’re using this method. And this typeof coloring is only going to work when you’ve got a pretty still gif.Otherwise, you have to capitalize on colors already within the gif and see ifyou can emphasize them without disrupting the skin tones too much OR you can use this same method with frame-by-frame coloring which is a PAIN. It can getdifficult and I’m definitely not the master of it.

Also, since you mentioned it, I’m going to bring up PSDs. Idon’t typically use downloaded PSDs when I color because I prefer to use a step-by-stepmethod to tailor it to the scene I’m coloring, but you can download PSDs online.For example, in the tutorial I linked above, daily-hundred links some PSDs.

I downloaded the “murphy & raven” PSD and I’m going toapply it on a different scene on the ring.

Okay so this time, you can see I’ve done no coloring on thegif. I’ve just sharpened it. So, with your downloaded PSD (or if you’ve createdyour own PSD, whatever the case), you open it in a separate tab like I’ve done.You can see I’ve highlighted the folder that’s holding all the filters (Curves,Color Balance, Selective Colors, etc) – because that’s all a PSD is. Now, you clickand drag that filter from the PSD to the gif you want to color using the Move Tool.

And the gif is colored! The problem with PSDs in general isthat they don’t allow for as much customization as doing it step-by-step, butif you wanted to go in and mess with the selective color or color balance on aPSD after the fact you could do that too. PSDs are quick and easy tools for coloringif you want to save a certain coloring you did, or if you like a PSD you found online.If you are going to use a PSD you downloaded online, be sure to reblog thesource of it to give credit to its maker!

And I think I covered everything? Hopefully at least somepart of this helped you.

[quarterfromcanon]

Habits

Heather & Valencia - Femslash February - Day 25 - Pet Name [3,599 words]

“Wanna get high and help me name my starfish?”

Valencia lifted her eyebrows. The sight of Heather on the doorstep toting an aquarium and a backpack full of recreational materials was not what she’d expected to find outside her apartment that night. However, after the recent decrease in communication between them, the surprise was far from unwelcome. “Hello to you, too.” She stepped aside to allow her friend to pass.

Heather carefully set her new sea creature atop the kitchen counter, under the cabinets. She gauged the distance from there to the living room and nodded to herself. “She’ll be safe here,” Heather elucidated upon noticing Valencia’s quizzical response.

“I should preface by saying I don’t smoke pot. Or anything else, for that matter.” Valencia returned to the couch. She turned off the TV and tossed aside several throw pillows to make room for a second occupant.

Her unexpected guest took the vacant spot and put her book bag on the floor. “I can teach you,” Heather volunteered as she withdrew the supplies from their hiding places.

Valencia glanced at her stack of rented DVDs beside an empty takeout box. Meanwhile, Heather rummaged through unseen contents and grumbled about the stash slipping all the way to the bottom. Valencia watched her for a moment - hair falling over her cheek, biceps still bearing indents from the heavy fish tank, a faint trace of spilled water across her shirt - and reached a conclusion. She rearranged the clutter on her coffee table. “All right. I wasn’t really doing anything tonight anyway.”

“That’s the spirit,” Heather remarked dryly. She produced a purple lighter, papers, cardboard, glue, and the sought-after Ziploc bag. “Before we get started, do you have cucumbers?”

Valencia blanched. “One, I think. Why?”

“It’s good for the dry mouth effect,” Heather explained. “That and water. But we need to prep ahead of time because you do not wanna be wielding a sharp knife when you’re on this stuff.”

“Got it. I’ll take care of those and you can finish setting up here.” Valencia departed for the kitchen, feeling strangely observed by the starfish in the corner. She sliced enough cucumber to cover a plate and put the rest of the produce back in her fridge. Once a water bottle was tucked under each arm, she shuffled to the living room with the dish balanced on her palm. Valencia positioned one drink on each end of the table. She set the plate in the center.

Heather held a finished product and the lighter in her hands. She sparked a small flame, touched the fire to the end of the paper, and twiddled the joint in circles between her thumb and forefinger. Heather talked Valencia through the breathing counts by likening it to yoga. Then she detailed the best inhalation technique for drawing the hit into her lungs. 

Valencia worked to commit the advice to memory despite mounting uncertainty. She gave Heather’s demonstration full attention and tried to duplicate it once the second toke was offered to her. The sputtering aftermath seemed unavoidable, but it could’ve been worse without the tutorial.

“Why do you have a starfish?” Valencia asked once the cough subsided. 

“Marine Biology. She’s basically the biggest part of my grade for the next three months.”

“Important starfish.” Valencia flexed her fingers. Her brow furrowed at the subtle numbness in her extremities.

“Yeah. We get to refer to them by name in our reports, so I’m trying to figure out something that’s, like, academically serious but still reflects her personality.” Heather contemplated the tank from a distance. “Oh, right, I almost forgot.” She fumbled with a different compartment of her bag and tossed Valencia a hefty paperback. 

Valencia missed the catch. The purchase whacked the corner of the couch, causing it to ricochet into her lap. “What’s this?”

“I thought it might give us a place to start.” Heather twisted the cap off her water and chugged.

Valencia held the book away from her face. Her eyes went slightly crossed at the number emblazoned across the front. “One million... No, wait, damn it. Not that many zeroes. One hundred thousand baby names? Holy crap! Heather, I don’t think people consider this many options for their human children.”

“They do according to the store where I bought our mid-high munchies.”

Valencia tried to whistle but couldn’t accomplish the sound. She gave up the effort and shook her head instead. “We’re going to be here a while.”

Heather plucked up two slices of cucumber. She pressed one against Valencia’s palm. “We’ve got time.”

Valencia followed the unspoken command and sampled the serving. She grabbed Heather’s wrist. “This tastes like rain.”

Heather snorted. “What?”

“Try it.” 

Heather complied and her eyes widened. “It does.”

They consumed a few more before Valencia’s elbow bumped the book and she remembered their intended task. “Oh shoot. We were supposed to be finding a name for your little buddy.” Her forehead creased as she attempted to concentrate. “What kind of name?”

“Maybe we could start with real stars?”

“The celebrity kind or wish-upon-a?”

Heather cackled but held up two fingers. “That one.” She leaned against the pile of throw pillows. “Polaris. Vega. Mira.”

“The Sun,” Valencia added tentatively.

“Also true.”

“How about the word for star in other languages?”

“What would that be in Spanish?”

“Estrella.”

Heather leaned forward until she could see her starfish in the water. “Estrella,” she repeated, dragging out the final vowel. “I kinda dig that.” 

“We have a keeper?”

“I think so.”

Valencia pouted at the tome under her hand, still unopened. “Well, that was easy.” She chucked it away. The thunk of impact when the book slid to the bathroom door made them giggle.

They readjusted on the couch until they were angled toward one another, legs overlapped at the ankle. 

“You know, before you showed up tonight, I kind of wondered if maybe you were mad at me,” Valencia admitted.

Heather reached for the joint where it rested at the edge of their shared plate. “Why would I be upset with you?”

Valencia frowned. “I don’t know. We haven’t been hanging out lately, and I guess I got worried. I haven’t seen you since Rebecca and I came back from investigating Anna.”

“Things got kinda busy after that.” Heather exhaled slowly. “Speaking of getting busy, how was that barfly rando you left with? Rebecca was all pouty you turned her down for Friday Night Lights to get laid. Because, y’know, priorities.”

“We didn’t really do anything.”

“He passed out before things got to that point? The guy was pretty far gone already.”

“No, he was conscious when I saw him last.” Valencia sighed and lolled her head to the side. “I panicked and ditched him in the parking lot.”

Heather traced the design on the nearest pillow. Her head bobbed almost imperceptibly with every rise and fall of the stitching, as if she were experiencing each crest and valley like a winding road. “Why’s that?”

“I didn’t know how to go through it.” Heather gave her a dubious look and they both laughed. Valencia rolled her eyes. “Well, okay, I knew how, but I’ve never had a one-night stand in my life. He was all over me under the lamppost and it was like I was out of my body thinking, ‘What am I going to do? Invite this not-so-sexy stranger back to my place and pray he’s not a murderer?’ I don’t even remember what excuse I made. I just bolted and shouted something over my shoulder. Locked my car doors and sped off.”

Heather stifled a snicker with a fist against her mouth. “Wow. That was a next level hard pass.”

Valencia hid behind her fingers, wincing. “I know. I feel bad but, at the same time, I don’t regret it.” She lowered her arms and twitched her shoulders. “So Josh has some hot new girlfriend and I’m still single. Who gives a shit? Let her put up with the sports clutter all over the house and his annoying nostalgia for his mom’s Bagel Bites.” Valencia paused with a wistful expression. “Oh, but those do sound good right now.”

Heather plunged a hand into her backpack and produced a recognizable red box with a yellow label.

Valencia’s jaw dropped. “You’re a genius.”

They went to the stove and arranged the treats on a pan. Valencia set the oven to preheat then hopped onto the counter with her legs dangling over the ledge. Heather visited her pet. “Hey, Estrella, how’re you doing over here? V, check it out. I think she kinda moved a little. She answered when I called her.” 

Valencia beamed and tapped her shoes against the lower level cabinets. “I’m glad she likes it.”

“Since you picked the name, it feels like that makes you an honorary part of this.” Heather slid her fingertips across the cool glass. “Like a godmother or something.”

“Except we didn’t have to immerse her in water for the christening. She’s already there.” 

“Maybe, for ocean life, you’re supposed to lift them to the sky? Sorta like Simba.”

“I’m not reaching in there.” Valencia shook her head emphatically until dizziness made her stop. “Let’s just pretend we did.”

“It’s the thought that counts.” Heather bent low to drape her arms along the counter in front of the tank. She folded both hands beneath her face and stared at the grains of sand. 

Valencia studied Heather with heightened sensory detail. The soft, even sound of her breath reached Valencia’s ears as if there were only centimeters between them. She became convinced it might be possible to count Heather’s eyelashes from afar. Everything was so bold and focused when she looked closely -- the small mole visible beyond the opening in Heather’s deep-cut tank top and another on her neck, the subtle indentation in her chin, the slope of her nose, the piercing through her perfectly sculpted eyebrow, and the way the light bounced off the water to dance across her skin.

“God, you’re beautiful,” Valencia mumbled.

Heather turned to her with a smile. “And you’re high as fuck.”

Valencia considered the current perch she occupied and gulped. Her muddled thoughts latched onto a more literal interpretation of the word ‘high.’ She became suddenly anxious. “I don’t know if I can get down from here.”

Heather moved to stand before Valencia. She braced her knees and extended her arms. “On three?”

Valencia jumped off without warning. Heather yelped when Valencia’s feet landed on hers, but she steadied her companion with a firm grip regardless. “I didn’t count,” she croaked.

“Sorry.” Valencia pulled away slightly to look into Heather’s eyes, but not far enough to break the hold.

Beep.

Heather dropped both hands to her sides. “Oven’s ready.”

Valencia blinked and nodded. She slid the pan onto the metal rack and closed the door. Then she settled cross-legged on the laminate to stare through the foggy glass at their food.

Heather laughed. “Dude, you’ve gotta set the timer first.” She punched in the appropriate number of minutes and offered to help Valencia rise from the floor. “C’mon, let’s wait in the living room.”

Valencia accepted Heather’s assistance but felt a strange pang when her friend’s fingers released hers once more.

They flopped on the couch. Heather flailed as the stacked throw pillows came tumbling down over her head. “Your furniture is attacking me.”

Valencia guffawed but angled forward to rescue Heather from the onslaught. They batted half the square cushions in various directions until only the ones supporting Heather’s spine remained. Valencia took in the mess and her lower lip protruded. “Wait, I didn’t leave any for me to lean on.” 

Heather shifted to the left and patted the empty space beside her. “Just share mine. This thing is like a gigantic bench. We can both fit next to each other.”

Valencia snuggled into place. “Okay.” She rested on her side and hummed contentedly. Her arm wound across Heather’s middle. “You’re so warm. The last person who was on this couch with me was Josh.” Valencia stuck out her tongue. “I’m so much happier with my girl. You and Rebecca are way better company.”

Heather tensed. The bridge of her nose scrunched and her eyelids clamped shut. “V, I have something I’ve got to tell you. But I think you should take another hit first.”

Valencia made a grabby gesture in the air. Heather responded to the silent request and fetched the joint for her. Valencia took a drag with remarkably improved technique and only minor throat clearing. She passed it back to Heather, who indulged in another toke before freeing her hands again. “So, what did you want to say?” Valencia prompted.

Heather grimaced. “Okay, so, you know Anna?”

Valencia’s mouth turned down at one corner. “Unfortunately. What about her?”

“She’s gone.”

“She died?”

“No, no.” Heather waved the misunderstanding aside. “She broke up with him.”

“Oh.” Valencia’s eyebrows rose. “So Josh will finally have to figure out how to be on his own. It’s about damn time.”

Heather took a deep breath. “Not quite.”

“He’s already with someone new? That is so typical.” Valencia scoffed and folded her arms.

Heather met her gaze. Her features were etched with sympathy. “Valencia, it isn’t someone new.”

Valencia struggled to comprehend what that meant. She had to speak the thought process aloud just to make sense of it. “Somebody old? An ex. But Josh only has two of those and he’s not with me so...” The realization washed over her with painful understanding. “Rebecca?”

Heather inclined her head in confirmation.

“But we connected,” Valencia protested feebly. “We refreshed. We healed.”

“I know.”

Valencia pushed her fingertips against her temples. The truth kept slipping in and out of her grasp, a devastating déjà vu she instinctively fought to reject. “When?”

“I don’t know exactly.” Heather sank deeper into the couch. “Rebecca was staying with Paula right after she kicked Scott out, and I got this text about Josh going over there to find her.”

“He ran right from one woman to another. Again.” Valencia’s lip curled.

“That’s what I tried to tell her when I texted back.” Heather tugged off her beanie and clenched it in her fist. “But you know how that goes. You try to stop Rebecca doing a thing and she doubles down. They’ve started going out in public and I didn’t want you to see without knowing ahead of time...” Heather draped her palm over Valencia’s left wrist. “I’m so sorry, V.”

It took additional effort due to her dulled sense of touch, but Valencia found Heather’s hand with her right and clasped. “You don’t need to apologize for anything. No one else showed up at my door to be honest, but you’re here.”

Heather studied the place where their skin met in silence, but there was still intense guilt and regret behind her eyes.

Valencia let her forehead fall against Heather’s arm. She felt Heather’s chin rest near her scalp. “I’m really lucky to have you,” Valencia murmured.

“Same here.”

Beep.

Heather’s laugh escaped on a tremulous exhale. “Oh, shit. The bagels.”

Valencia returned to the kitchen. Heather moved from the couch to the chair where she could monitor snack-related proceedings. Valencia opened the oven and squinted as heat spilled from the interior.

“Don’t forget you need those glove thingies,” Heather cautioned.

“Good call.” Valencia pulled the handle of a nearby drawer and found her floral pair of oven mitts. She moved the tray over the burners then leaned her hip against the counter while she waited for everything to cool. “Heather, what am I going to do?”

“... Eat the Bagel Bites?”

“No. I mean, yes, I am, because they look and smell like a dream. But the Rebecca and Josh thing.” Valencia wrapped her arms around her stomach. “I’ve only got enough room in my head for one thought at a time -- like how I’m pretty sure I can hear the cheese sliding down that far left bagel right now -- but tomorrow’s going to be different. I can’t stay high indefinitely to avoid this.”

Heather nodded. “I think you’ve gotta let yourself feel your feelings. If you wake up sad, have a good cry. If you wake up pissed, go kickboxing or something and let all that aggression out. They’re gonna want your forgiveness, but you don’t have to give that to them until you’re ready. They need to respect your emotional right to cope in whatever way works best. Both of them hurt you, and they don’t get to dictate the self-care required to recover from that.” She looked down at where she was sitting and smiled. “I’m like textbook armchair psychologist right now, literally and figuratively.”

Valencia’s lips twitched. She dissolved into a fit of giggles.

Heather tilted her head to the side and her eyebrows quirked. “Okay. That is a feeling. Not any of the ones I was expecting, but like, do your thing.”

“It’s not that,” Valencia clarified as she gasped for oxygen. “I just realized something.”

“What?”

“Heather Davis. HD. Your initials are the same as High Definition.” The amusement overtook her again. Valencia whimpered at the resultant sting behind her rib cage. She ran her wrist under both eyelids while Heather chuckled appreciatively. “I’m sorry; the weed is just making that weirdly funny to me for some reason. But I think I have your new contact name for my phone.”

“It’s perfect. Go for it.”

Valencia tried to access her back pocket and ended up patting her jeans in confusion. “Wait, I can’t find it.”

“That’s because you’ve still got your Minnie Mouse hands on.”

“My...?” Valencia held out her arms and realized she still wore her patterned oven mitts. “Oh! Crap. Hang on, how do I take this one off when my fingers are stuck in the other one?”

Heather wheezed. “Don’t worry. I’ll come help you, you confused cartoon character.”

She walked over to catch hold of the troublesome material. “Pull.”

Valencia wrenched her hands free and gave an excited shout. “Yay, they’re back!”

Heather patted Valencia’s shoulder. “I think they were there the whole time.”

“Probably.” Valencia gasped, making Heather jump. “Hey, do you know where we should eat these bagels? Under the dining room table.”

Heather’s eyebrows drew closer together. “Don’t people usually put their food on top of the table?”

“Doesn’t matter. This will be better. Trust me.” Valencia wandered off with the pan in both hands. 

Heather stood still for a minute while she tried to trace the logic behind the suggestion. Ultimately, she shrugged and followed Valencia’s lead. She passed through the living room, grabbed the two water bottles along the way, and sidestepped the Venetian screen. Valencia was already there, dragging two living room pillows and a thin blanket alongside her as she crawled out of sight. 

“It’ll be like a fort,” Valencia reasoned. “Just us against the rest of the world. Only you, me, and modified food starch allowed.”

Heather shook her head affectionately. “Stoned you is basically a junk food craving third grader. I love it.”

Valencia’s face poked into view. “If you’re cootie-free and you know the password, you can join me.”

“Is the password ‘pizza,’ by any chance?”

“Duh. Get down here before I polish them all off myself.”

Heather ducked past the surrounding chairs, back bent to keep her head from bashing against the table. “You’re right; this is so much more comfortable.”

Valencia put a Bagel Bite against Heather’s lips. “Why be full of sarcasm when you can be full of mozzarella?”

“You have a point.” Heather caught the bagel between her teeth and groaned. 

“Good, huh?”

Heather popped the remainder into her mouth and held two thumbs up. “Best three dollars and ninety-seven cents I’ve ever spent.” She tossed Valencia a water bottle and they drank.

Conversation fell by the wayside as they ate across the rows of mini pizzas. By the time they got down to the last few, they were both stretched out on their sides with one elbow propped against their respective pillows. Valencia finished her final bagel and shifted to a reclined position. “This table fort might have to double as a cave. I think I could hibernate from now to spring.”

Heather stowed the empty pan atop a chair, clearing the path for them to get more comfortable. “Sign me the fuck up. Home Base and Miss Douche can figure out how to get by without me until, like, at least mid-March.” She hugged the throw pillow and settled on her stomach. Valencia fanned the blanket over their legs. “So it’s cool if I crash here?” Heather checked, eyelids fluttering closed despite her best efforts to prevent them from doing so.

“Of course.” Valencia got situated with one hand flung above her head. Her natural sleeping position accidentally brought their arms into contact again. She debated moving a few inches to allow more room between them for sleep. However, since Heather didn’t seem to mind their proximity and Valencia found the nearness comforting, she let it go.

A few minutes ticked by without a single noise, save for their relaxed breathing. Valencia was on the brink of dozing, but she licked her lips and tried to express one last sentiment. It traveled through the stillness in a whisper. “Heather?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for trying to protect me.”

Heather drowsily rolled to the side, bumping against Valencia in a slow motion body-check before returning to her spot. “No problem. Everyone needs someone in their corner, right? You can count on me.”

[characteroulette]

Hey I love Dark Cloud a lot

chatting with @baekpies​ made me want to sit and write out my thoughts on Dark Cloud, so HERE WE GO REVIEW TIME FOR THE UNDERRATED PS2 CLASSIC (also spoilers whoop)

Firstly, let’s look at what works / what I love about the first game:

The weapon building/evolving system is really involved! There are tons of weapons per character and quite a few branching pathways that result in pretty cool looking things! It’s a joy to explore as you build them up and see what they’ll become next!

The STORY. This one is really personal, because it’s simplistic and dated, but man I was IN IT as a kid and I’ll still defend it to this day. The whole of the Dark Genie plot and how it related to Seda (Seeda? fuck) was intense for small me. Now I can look at it and it’s really obvious what it was building up to, but it did it pretty well considering it seems like it’s flying by the seat of its pants the whole time.

That being said, the bait and switch with the main villain was rad as heck. Talk about a twist that threw me off as a kid! It’s kinda dumb in retrospect, I’ll admit that, but man I still really love it.

(Also I like Toan because I like silent protags in general. Toan is a good boy ;w; )

The town building / Georama. Really, I feel like DC1 did it best and had a solid vision of what the Georama mechanics should look like. You’re rebuilding these towns with the promise of making them better (at least, if you want those sweet request bonuses), and I like how the system is basically fitting parts together again. Also, a cute detail I like, in Norune Toan knows more about what goes on the houses than any other village. It’s like, yeah, of course he’d know the basics of it, he grew up there! It works as a tutorial and as a little nod to Toan knowing a few things about his own village and I just think it’s really cute.

Because of the way the Georama is set up, each town looks cohesive. That and the weapon building are really the stand-out features of this game, in my opinion.

The Corridor of Time, as a final level, is AMAZING and I love it. Putting together cutscenes of the past instead of recreating another town is so fascinating and a great way to turn the Georama aspect on its head. Moondrops gets a shoutout, too, for building a giant robot. Even if it wasn’t used fully, giant robots are always an appreciated addition.

The Soundtrack. Is. Amazing. Holy shit, they really kicked it out of the ballpark with these soundtracks like I’m not kidding seriously go listen to it now it’s awesome.

The Bonus Dungeon is literally just that: a bonus 100 floors of dungeon for your grinding pleasure. I think it’s a worthy challenge / reward as long as you were in this game for the grinding (which, I very much was and am) and it’s a great post-game fuck you, really.

All right, gushing finished. Let’s talk about the bad and the wonky...

Building up the Ultimate Weapons without a chart/graph SUCKS. It’s a total crapshoot on which path leads where, if you’ll get stuck at a dead-end that’s less powerful than what you’re going for (ESPECIALLY for Toan’s sword), and you may get stuck with something that looks hella ugly.

Also, building up weapons involves TOO MANY STATS/THINGS to keep track of! There are 3 fuckin’ pages of things (and then like attributes? that can get added as well? and are never fuckin explained outside of the manual??) that is TOO MANY.

(because of this, it’s also SUPER SLOW and kinda really glitchy, so there’s that, too)

Also it sucks if you like a lower weapon’s design because stat caps are a thing, so it’s almost always in your best interest to just upgrade it. But stat caps are a personal pet peeve of mine. :T

There are 6 playable characters and that is too many. Each is unique and interesting in their own right (besides the fact that, y’know, the two female characters are a moe blob cat and a boobs mckenzie and ranged attackers; also Goro is a brat for nearly no reason??), but 6 is too many and the game feels bloated because of it. With how convoluted and tedious weapon grinding is (and how LIMITED inventory space is!), it’s hard to make sure all 6 characters are levelled properly.

On that note, the menus are super messy. Item/Inventory management is a nightmare and I don’t understand the decision behind not having items stack neatly. I like the separate pages for catergorising the items by their uses (consumables, weapons, then weapon attachments), but it makes everything feel more cramped than it all ready was.

(The designs are also real fucking ugly, but, y’know. That’s a personal opinion of mine and kinda unavoidable since this is an old, old game.)

The translation is so SLOPPY, they didn’t even fix it in the PS4 rerelease! There should not be this many errors in this goddamn game, especially when they’re all so concentrated in the first village! What the heck!

Maybe they could have done without making Ungaga and his town Like That. ;; (though, to be honest, as a kid I liked Ungaga a lot and was sad that he came so late into the party because fuuuuuuck I can’t level this guy up with anyone ;w; )

Also the fishing really sucks in this game and I hate it.

..aaand that’s about all I can think of!

I truly, really love this game, flaws and all. And, even past my own biased view, I hope that more people can find this game and play it, too. ;w;

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ JENNA MARBLES SENTENCE STARTERS, PT. XI ※

here’s sentences from jenna’s 10 most recent videos! feel free to change names/pronouns/zodiac signs/etc.! more jenna sentences

I COOK MY BOYFRIEND’S FAVORITE MEAL

“Is this a leisure suit?”

“This is my own, customized, personal leisure suit.”

“I’m pretty sure that you got that out of my closet.”

“I bought it today with your credit card.”

“She drank wine, demanded greatness, and I delivered.”

“I guess it’s only fair - you did all that cooking for me, now I’ll do it for you.”

“I’m looking forward to the fact that you’re not going to be in the kitchen.”

“I should’ve never made this video.”

“Thank you, this is actually helpful.”

“Get your beer off the cutting board.”

“This recipe really requires a lot of knife skills that I don’t have.”

“How many times have things caught on fire?”

“I like this encouragement.”

“Seven fucking hours later, I’m still cutting these carrots.”

“I didn’t do that with you… I mean, I did, a little bit.”

“You’re not banned from the kitchen, with no arms.”

“I mean, I’m not the most gifted chopper, but this is nice and even.”

“This isn’t really looking that right.”

“This is not dough whatsoever. This is just a bowl of flour.”

“People make dumplings for fun?”

“Don’t worry, all you have to do is individually, carefully craft them by hand.”

“You asked me what I wanted, and I told you.”

“I’m hungry. I want to spend the next seven hours making my food.”

“I feel like this is the kind of dish that would break me. Like, I’m gonna cry.”

“It’s crazy how quickly I can eat one of these.”

“You told me this was gonna work.”

“This doesn’t look good at all.”

“If this doesn’t work, I’m gonna cry, and we’re just gonna starve.”

“It’s so thicc with two Cs.”

“Wait, so you can do this without being fancy, because, do I look like a fancy person to you?”

“I don’t like dumplings anymore, I just decided I’m allergic to dumplings.”

“I wanna move on with my life… I wanna get excited about my life.”

“Don’t cry and sing Dr. Phil.”

“Whoever invented dumplings is a sick, bored fuck.”

“These better be the best dumplings you’ve ever had, because, let me tell you something, it’s not worth it.”

“What year is it…!?”

“Somebody’s gonna die today.”

“That was the best part of my day, right there.”

“This is a terrifying food.”

“This is a violent dish.”

“I feel like they’re too hot to eat… only one way to test it.”

“This was worth all the stress and fury you went through.”

“How did you eat that, that’s so hot…!?”

“Why are all your recipes dangerous? Does it make your food taste better if it’s kind of dangerous?”

“It’s getting everywhere, I don’t like this.”

“I swear to god, I don’t want to go to the hospital tonight.”

“I know you had to be patient today, which you’re not used to being.”

“There’s nothing comforting about cooking these. It’s just violent, and tense, and stressful.”

CUTTING AND COLORING MY OWN HAIR 2

“He should’ve learned his lesson the first time he left me.”

“I’m really having a great time only doing my own hair.”

“A semi-permanent isn’t really a commitment.”

“It’s like a low-commitment tattoo.”

“If this is truly semi-permanent, I can do this shit whenever I want.”

“Guess who doesn’t give a fuck about her hair? Me, bitch.”

“Does this part feel like Doritos? Yeah, it does, but it’s all part of the journey.”

“I have great technique, I’m a born natural, bitch.”

“Instead of wearing a dumpy shirt that I don’t care about, I’ll wear my favorite shirt so that it forces me to be careful.”

“We’re making a semi-commitment right now.”

“Fuck it, let’s go to the Dark Side.”

“Oh, I’m making it worse.”

“Listen to that, doesn’t it sound like hair care at it’s finest?”

“All you people that joke about not going outside enough and not getting enough sun, try me, bitch.”

“Oh, how did this happen?”

“Why do we even bother wearing gloves?”

“I’m excited to see just how semi-permanent this is.”

“I am second guessing my methods.”

“Give me your honest opinion. What do you think?”

“I didn’t just want this color on my hair. I wanted it all over my face, body, and neck.”

“This is kind of fucking rad.”

“I dyed my hair by myself, at home, alone.”

“It’s dark, it’s fun, I look like a superhero.”

“Don’t even bother with all this parting shit, just get in there and do it.”

“Should I just go full bang? Should I do it?”

“I’m trying to do the most efficient thing.”

“I look like my mom in, like, 1960.”

“I’m trying to get to the point in life where, someday, when my kids see pictures and videos of me, they’re like, who the fuck is that?”

“This might be one of my favorite looks.”

“Boy, who the fuck do you think did it?”

“Why do I feel like that’s not true?”

“You look so fucking cute.”

“It says semi-permanent, I feel like it’s low-commitment.”

“I’m such a big fan of it.”

“Yeah, just give me a score out of ten, be as brutal as you want.”

“We’re gonna do some research, we’ll be back.”

TAKING MY DOG TO MEET SANTA

“That’s a great way of getting kicked right out of the mall and being asked to never come back.”

“I’m really hoping that they let us do this.”

“I don’t think that they allow dogs in this mall.”

“It says no dogs here, but then you see, like, seventy people with their dogs.”

“That was so easy and painless.”

“Never use the words ‘cuck’ and ‘Santa’ in the same sentence ever again.”

“That was so adorable.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to bug you guys.”

“Make sure you’re very kind and supportive of him.”

“I like magic and believing too.”

“The best part of snow globes is when Christmas is over you smash them on the ground.”

“Oh, fuck, here we go again.”

“The entire highway’s basically shut down.”

“The air quality is terrible - it sucks to go outside.”

“I spent $80 on this picture.”

RECREATING THE HAMSTER PICTURE

“You know what you’re signing up for, okay?”

“It’s not dumb, it needs to happen.”

“We are going to go rent a red convertible.”

“No, we’re not going to Tuscon.”

“Don’t tell anybody, but we’re faking this whole thing.”

“Alright, we’re fucked already.”

“No one has a fucking red convertible.”

“It’s weird, it’s like it’s not 1995 anymore.”

“You literally took like 100 pictures.”

“This is really stupid, but if we don’t do it, who’s gonna do it?”

“We tried and failed to rent a red convertible.”

“A sincere thank you for wasting your day.”

“We just wanted to make a meme.”

GIVING MYSELF TAPE IN HAIR EXTENSIONS

“I’ve used them, like, five times, tops.”

“It felt wrong, it looked wrong.”

“I feel like I’m missing out on the fun.”

“That sounds like the level of commitment I would like to make.”

“I want to ring in the new year looking like a snack.”

“I watched one tutorial on how to do it.”

“Should I really just go full-blown ‘I’m lost at the supermarket, can you please help me’?”

“We’re already off to a really mediocre start.”

“I hope that you brought a snack and have nothing to do today.”

“There’s no rules, right?”

“I legitimately don’t know how to part my hair.”

“Oh my god, what have I done?”

“Why are you laughing? Is it my scrunchie?”

“This is quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

“If I was an alien, and I came to this planet, I feel like one of the things that I’d find absolutely hysterical is that we like to wear each other’s hair.”

“I’m in the middle of the hardest part, you’re such a fucking asshole.”

“Is that something I should’ve figured out beforehand?”

“We only have like seventy more.”

“Overall, it’s been kind of a nice experience.”

“It was hard. I tried my best. It was my first time.”

SHAVING MY FACE

“I’ve never done this before. Obviously.”

“I know my appearance is jarring.”

“It takes a lot of work to look this great.”

“You’re quite literally mixing up two of the most prominent X-Men right now.”

“Gambit throws playing cards. That’s it. That’s the end of Gambit.”

“I’m trying to shave my face, not get in an argument about Gambit.”

“He’s just a weird magician that was looking for a group of friends.”

“Do you wanna feel my face?”

“Wanna come over and watch me shave my face?”

“Your skin looks really good, it’s glowing.”

“Now I can do some violent shit to my face.”

“It said don’t shave your eyes, otherwise I would.”

“We’re getting ready, are you getting ready with me or not?”

“I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, but I put it on.”

“I feel like the payoff is amazing.”

“Why have you been hiding this secret from me?”

“I know this isn’t super duper exciting, but, for me, this is so exciting.”

MY DOGS MEET A CAT

“I ask Julien for a cat just about every day, and the answer is always no.”

“Our landlord won’t let us have any more animals.”

“No, what? That’s not part of this?”

“What this really is is just for you to get comfortable with a cat, and then like it, and then get me a cat.”

“That’s what today’s about.”

“I’m ready, I know you’re ready.”

“That’s the whole day today.”

“Stop making that face.”

“We’re not getting a cat, like, ever. No.”

“Getting a cat will help you be less of an Aries.”

“Sit wherever you wanna sit, do whatever you want.”

“That was a weird thing that you just did.”

“So… do you want to get one tomorrow, or… the day after?”

“I’m right here, and I have not agreed to anything.”

“Don’t pretend like you can’t hear me.”

“Who said that? Benjamin Franklin or Jesus?”

“I don’t know what’s going on.”

GIVING MYSELF A 90′S HAIR WRAP

“I’m shaving every time from here on out.”

“It’s basically a friendship bracelet on your hair.”

“You are much bolder than me, and do your thing.”

“Get you a man that pumps you up.”

“What camps did you go to when you were a kid?”

“Rules are made to be broken, sister.”

“Where are you going? Why are you leaving?”

“Are you calling me a preteen right now?”

“Oh, this is hard to do on yourself.”

“When you take a shower, this thing stays wet for fucking days.”

“On a scale of one to snack, how are you feeling?”

“We didn’t have lettermen jackets in seventh grade.”

“My first kiss was in seventh grade.”

“Do you know how hard it is to play clarinet with braces?”

“What the fuck is the big deal? This sucked. I hated it.”

“Oh, damn, you’ve been dating older girls for a while.”

“This takes me back so hard, wow.”

“No one please remind me that I fucked this up or else I’ll be very upset.”

“I feel like this a thing that twelve-year-olds and grandmas would be like, hell yeah.”

“That’s like buying a coloring book colored.”

“I have yet to do something that I really didn’t enjoy.”

“I worked hard on this for six minutes.”

“We’re not friends anymore.”

“In case you thought I was done here, though, you’d be incorrect.”

“She was my favorite singer in the 90’s, and then I graduated to Sarah McLaughlin.”

“First of all, this is a deadly fucking weapon.”

“Ow, don’t pull it, oh my god, don’t pull on it.”

MAKING TERRIBLE HOT GLUE CRAFTS

“I got, like, physically angry. I got hot in the face, and was kind of mad.”

“The things that people will do with a hot glue gun and call it a hack is just… beyond.”

“I cannot justify spending my time that way.”

“If anyone’s actually going to sit down and do these crafts, it’s going to be me.”

“Yeah, I’ve got some time to kill and some glue to waste.”

“Do you see my hands shaking already? Like, I’m tired. This is exhausting.”

“I’m a little confused as to why you’re spending this kind of money to glue yourself a pair of shoes that have holes in the bottoms.”

“I’m just gonna do it on my table because I’ve stopped giving a fuck.”

“I have strong, meaty arms which sometimes look fat in shirts.”

“I’m not trying to stifle anyone’s creativity, but this is a fucking waste of time.”

“I think this is a very loose definition of ‘shoes’.”

“I’m just sort of waiting for it to be over.”

“I’m just settling for blobby blob mess at this point, because I just don’t care.”

“This design is flawed.”

“They’re not structurally sound anywhere.”

“After a couple of seconds, it physically starts to hurt.”

“They’re not shoes at all, this is not okay.”

“This doesn’t feel good, and they don’t work.”

“I will never get this part of my life back.”

“No, you can’t do this, it’s not okay.”

“This is not a solution to any problem, this is a mess.”

“I don’t care about the rest of this paper, I’m not going to use it for anything.”

“I love my money. I love just taking it and dumping it in the toilet.”

“You could maybe wear this for fifteen minutes before it inevitably broke.”

“Just because you can make it, doesn’t mean you should.”

“This does not work, this does not work, this doesn’t work, okay, it’s working.”

“I’m trying my best, I’m not trying to fuck this up.”

“Does it look good? Does it look like tears and sadness?”

“I’m mad at myself. I can’t believe I’ve done this.”

“I really can’t handle another time like this. This is a dark time.”

“I did it, and I’m here to tell you it’s not worth it.”

“I feel sad on the inside, I don’t like it.”

“These are not life hacks. Do I look like someone whose life is better after doing this?”

“They don’t work and it pisses me off. This is a lie.”

“This is what happens when you leave. You can’t leave. You have to stay.”

“Does it look better like this? No — that’s worse. That’s worse, I’m sorry.”

MAKING OUR FAVORITE SOUP

“I’m just having one of those days when I just want to curl up under a blanket.”

“I’m sick.”

“I’m having a day where I’m not a person.”

“I’m so sorry, man, it’s just not in the cards for today.”

“I know you have days like this, too.”

“It doesn’t matter when you’re having a day like this.”

“I’m the best chef.”

“Just to be clear, you don’t want to go to the ER?”

“What’s going on with your pants?”

“I’m gonna go ahead and burn myself.”

“Maybe, instead of going out for a date right now, we can, when we sit down and have dinner, we can light a candle and hold hands the whole time we eat.”

“I’m large.”

“I’m gonna eat once now and once in two hours and it’s gonna be gone.”

“Do you think we have a tablespoon? Because I’m not going to the store.”

“Don’t listen to him, that is not true.”

“It’s really good, I burnt my tongue a little bit.”

“First of all, it’s amazing, second of all, it’s amazing, third of all… what?”

“Literally walking through the middle of TSA - that’s a bad time to have soup.”