#so queueing this in advance as back up end of year post | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pliablehead · 7 months

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I guess if I want to write a travelogue/write up post about my 4-stop journey following the first chunk of Everything Everything's 2023 US tour then I have to just... do it!! If this is of interest to anyone other than me then GREAT and if not then it's still special to me to try to write down and remember everything I can uwu

FIRST STOP WASHINGTO-- wait, no, actually, first stop, on my way out of town, the local donut shop in my neighborhood, a place that I absolutely adore and patronize all the time with staff who mostly know me by now/some of whom are my instagram friends/etc. i'd checked with the Pittsburgh venue ahead of time to see if it was okay to send in outside food as a gift to the band even though they have a cafe/bar in their own right, and whoever I corresponded with said it would be totally fine, so I talked to the donut shop manager and set up a delivery of a dozen for the lads for Saturday before their show here. advance paid for that, as well as getting my own breakfast and coffee hehe, and then hit the road. OKAY FOR REAL FIRST STOP WASHINGTON DC!!! This was the second-longest leg of my Car Driving and it was definitely a wee bit exhausting but I had a podcast or two and a ton of E E on shuffle to bolster me through and I made it to my mom's friends' house, where I was staying, with relative ease. The venue was within a not-too-unreasonable walking distance too so after a change of clothes (I had very distinct and deliberate Show Outfits for each night that were fully separate from my travelin' clothes) and a bunch of fussing with the bracelets™ I headed over!! stopped for empanadas and a smoothie on the way and then queued up!!

aaaaahh this was such a nice fun queue. I was maybe about a dozen-ish people back from the front, down about half a block, and once I finished scarfing down my food this was my first real experience with doling out the bracelets. so fun! I'm glad it was basically an instant hit! AND I even got a few trades in this queue--one person gave me a Man Alive / Tin / E E bracelet with teeny tiny beads, super fun, and one person with a SHITTON of kandi stuff gave me one that had the name of a flower genus on it?? i think they said it was?? I love the colors on this one! And one person traded me a Blow Pop. lmao. I should eat that before it sits in my fanny pack for too long. I also really enjoyed chatting with the two guys right in front of me (Nick and Alex?), who were from south-central PA and had a couple other fandom touchstones in common with me (mcelroys/dnd/BDG! I love this Venn diagram!!) as well as a big love for E E. We didn't really see much of each other beyond the point of getting inside but I liked y'all a lot!! Hope you had as great a time as I did!!

Black Cat is where I saw E E the first time I EVER SAW THEM, which was almost exactly six years ago from this gig, which is insaaaane. The space is kind of narrow so there's not a huge amount of stage barrier space right at the front, so Becky and I ended up pretty much at the front but almost aa-all the way stage left/Jeremy-side. coulda been worse hehehe. We kind of loitered and chatted with nearby folks, I think maybe becky checked out merch ahead of the show ? but I kind of just held down the fort, enjoying setup stuff, pete running around etc hehe. getting BLASTED by the AC, which was nice.

the ummmm the opener! our first experience with Pierre! I gotta say his general style is not for me, despite the fact that I do think he's very talented and good at the thing he's doing. this first night especially he was SO sweaty and I felt bad for him lmao, you could like see it dripping off him. i am so curious as to why/how he got paired with the boys for this tour, like, what aligned in such a way that this match was made, because my general vibe on the crowd/his audience/etc was that we the fans of the nerdy white english mathy rocker guys were not exactly his demo LOL. BUT i will say in DC I do think he had one little pocket of strong-contingency fans because I kept hearing big whoops and cheers coming from one specific audience spot and I loved that for him lmao. for some reason i cannot explain I actually almost found his backing/support musician guy (the guy who was basically his version of peter) more compelling. I wanna know THAT dude's story lol.

so when he finished up we had a little interlude aaaannndd the setlist appeared... hehe. I could def have peered up to look at it from where I was, but I was telling myself I wanted to be surprised, and was deliberately looking away........ until suddenly everyone around me was gasping and going HOLY SHIT and I was like, ugghhh okay, I will check JUST enough to figure out what that's all about, and what that was all about was immediately apparent because smack in the middle of the set were a Man Alive track (which we never get in the states bar MY KZ) and something that just said "New Song." AND LIKE, OKAY, THAT'S A JUSTIFIED HOLY SHIT. new song????? so now we had THAT to contend with coming up, and aaaaaaah. ahh. yeah holy shit indeed.

it's also while we're standing there that AG pops into view, (or maybe I first spotted him during Pierre's set? Chronology is irrelevant), back off behind Becky from me in the other direction, and we waved over at him to say hi and he says to us, "All four of them are bleached blond." And my gut instinct was to be like, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, but also the truth in my heart was that there was absolutely no justification for not believing them, because of course they would, and sure enough these bozos roll out onto the stage and they are all four draco malfoy-ass bleach blond. God it looks a mess on Jeremy LOL and while the color/dye job wasn't bad on Alex, it was clear his finer hair wasn't holding up as well against the chemicals because it was just a fluffy riot mess. BUT GOD IT WAS REALLY SO INCREDIBLY STRIKING OF A VISUAL for them to be all be wearing all pure white/beige clothes and then to have this bleach-white hair and all of it catching and glowing under the stage lights... god... clearly the effect they were going for and it WORKED, IT REALLY DID. I think it looks so damn goofy (mostly on jez) out of context but it's ABSOLUTELY nailing the Everything Everything Gig Costumes energy/uniform thing that I felt like they'd drifted away from a little the past couple tour cycles, I'm so incredibly here for it

The set!!!! The gig!!!!!!! it wasn't a wildly different set from what we'd seen in CA last year, obviously RDF-heavy supplemented with a heaping helping of singles from the other albums too, but I remember thinking Leviathan and Pizza Boy were especially excellent aaaah. And Schoolin'! And the NEW SONG! The two pieces of it I IMMEDIATELY absorbed and retained were 'the image of a little yellow face to tell you that I'm sorry' and 'I love you like an atom bomb,' and I was spouting those two pieces back to anyone who wanted to talk to me about it for the rest of the night. I'm so lyrics-pilled/vocalist-biased. Which was.... Unfortunate, for this DC gig, because I do think the audio mix was pretty rough - at least from where we were standing so close to the front, I wonder if it was at least a tiny bit better further back into the crowd in the area the sound system was probably primarily calibrated for - and we were REALLY losing Jon in the mix, especially underneath how enthusiastically the crowd was singing along a lot of the time. We were on Jeremy's side of the stage and we were really just getting a LOT of Jeremy. (Which, the bass did sound absolutely fantastic, so hard to complain about that, at least, but still.) I was very thankful to be going to a few more gigs beyond this one so that this wasn't my only experience with it, especially New Song!!! Plus there were a bunch of other little tech difficulties too? Near the beginning of the new song, Jon's guitar strap came detached and wouldn't reconnect, and after struggling a bit with that he decided to just drift back and pass it off the stage to their tech guy--but he was still kind of singing/holding the mic, so as he moved on stage, the mic cable yanked the microphone stand straight over, too. Then the rest of the night that stand was pretty precarious and nearly fell two other times, only caught at the last minute by a true homie who was standing directly in front of it in the audience lmao. I think Becky yelled HIRE HIM! at one point. Annnnd also for like a whole verse of NOTLK jez's bass boards just kind of Gave Up. He tried switching to his other instrument but that wasn't working either, and then finally it all sort of came back online, so he played a little stretch with the wrong bass and then was able to switch back to the right bass when there was a lull in his part. SHAMBLES. lmfao. god it was a great gig though. SO FUCKING GOOD TO BE BACK I LOVE BAND UWAAAAAHH I WAS SO SWEATY AND HAPPY

afterrrr da gig, we needed very badly to drink water and so we managed to do that I believe, and we kind of loitered in the Merch Line Situation trying to figure out what was going on. I had kind of resolved not to buy merch until at least NY, part because I really didn't want to be lugging anything around with me for too much of my trip (esp on this night where I walked) and part because I'd read a post that Irving Plaza was among the venues who'd committed to not taking a cut of band merch sales and letting them keep it all, and I was like, well obvi that's where I want to spend my money. Plus it was cash only in DC and since I'd kind of told myself NY I didn't even have cash out, so it was nothing. BUT!!! homie Adrian whomst I had met at the DC Foals show last December had been there, a few people ahead of me in the queue and also rocking out yaayyy, and he was trying to get merch but the ATM inside the venue literally did not have any more cash left inside it to dispense because everyone was taking out so much of it to buy merch AAAH. so he reached out to me like 'you're going to more shows than just this one right?' and asked if I'd pick him up the stuff he wanted later and then mail it to him so he didn't have to contend with international shipping and I was like aaaah absolutely! yay gig comradeship!

so I think becky finally committed to getting in the merch line and I was mostly just waiting With Becky and there weren't a ton of people left because the venue was trying to clear out, but the handful of us who were still there, a wild Alex Robertshaw appeared up near the stage/bar. we vibed out whether he was receptive to Fan Bothering at this time but it seemed legit, so a bunch of us went over and socialized with him and took some pics, got some signatures, etc, woooo. We tried to vibe out from him also if the other guys were gonna be coming out, and when and where, but y'all know Alex is the awkwardest member of this band by a country mile and we didn't really have too coherent of a discourse at this point in time lmao. Not sure who talked to him about what at this point as I was just trying to hold down the fort and be Normal. I was able to give Alex the bracelet I'd made for him at this point (he was so cute studying on it and reading it ahaha - "rave-- kevin-- kevins rave KEVIN'S RAVE" and he smiled and I felt cool), and also meanwhile Pete was still running around stage doing roadietech type stuff and I sort of politely flagged him down like "do what you need to do if you need to do it but also: Hi lol" and I got to give him his bracelet as well! yay ♥. He complimented my shirt--I'd been getting a lot of compliments on it honestly, it's their Yellow Bird Project shirt that Jon designed some time ago, only I replaced the plain white sleeves of the original unisex tee with some sort of vermilion "girly fit" sleeves that are more comfy to me and kind of give the shirt a different look haha--and I sort of joked on that, said as much, oh, I swapped the sleeves out, "It's to cover up how sweaty I get." and Pete gave me a deadpan look and went "You don't even want to go there with me" and I was like "YEP I FEEL MUCH THE SAME" and I think we both enjoyed a moment of feeling very Seen about the sweatiness hehehehehe. I love Pete he is my heckin Friend With no additional merch purchases (merchases) (hm, no) the venue was finally for realsies ejecting us so we drifted back out into the streets and just like... okay... now what........ this was the point at which I think our Band Groupie-ing Crew became me, Becky, Danielle in the fox ears/tail, and a lanky youth named S.P. whom I'd talked to in line earlier while doling out bracelets (he had the good E E baseball cap; he asked for an Arc bracelet and I commended him for being an Arc fan, since I feel like they are a dwindling/rarer breed, and then I offered up my hot take that Violent Sun is just the second coming and second pass at Duet, which he thought was spicy, and then he asked for my most controversial E E take and I told him that I don't really like Tin very much and he told me he doesn't really like Shark Week very much and we agreed to disagree and have a good night LOL) (anyway I digress !). It was a warm enough night and none of us really had places to be so we didn't mind just loitering and trying to suss out some more Guys other than just Alex and Pete, but slowly but surely we became basically the only fans left sticking it out. so we stuck together! We split up to try to find if there was a rear stage door at the back and SP and I went one way (the long way RIP) and Becky and Danielle went the other way and it turns out the way that SP and I went was an alleyway just FULL of rats. Too many rats in DC!! People like to talk about rats in NYC but I saw WAY more in Washington just vibing out on the sidewalks and eating trash. I'm not anti-rat, they live there and deserve to live, but oh man it was just. I did not especially want a rat encounter LOL. The rat alley DID actually lead us to where the bus was though!!, but there was also a venue security guy there who was immediately like "Nope, back up, leave, bye" and we were like. understood have a nice day, and doubled around a different way to meet back up with the other two. wwwwelp.

We loitered a bunch more and eventually saw Alex and his homies like, AT LEAST two more times, but we ultimately never saw anyone else. They p much confirmed for us that because this was the first night of the tour, they had a really intense load-out, and everyone was jetlagged to all fuck, that they probably wouldn't ever make it out, even though at least once Alex had said something ambiguous/optimistic enough to imply that they might yet, but really it just got SO late that we couldn't justify still being there for nothing instead of being like. asleep. lol. SP and Danielle got rideshares, Becky and I walked back as far as her hotel together, and then I hiked the rest of my way back too and went the fuck to SLEEP!!! FIRST GIG IN THE BOOKS!! WHAT A LOVELY NIGHT GOD IT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL TO BE SEEING THEM AGAIN ngl I think the blond is really attractive on Mike with his darker brows/beard and I'm always a sl*t for jonathan so like. beautiful. finally some delicious fucking food

it was super nice of my mom's friend to let me stay with him!!! I was so delighted to see his cats again, I remembered them from the last time I was there like six or so years ago, they're sooooo floofy and beautiful aahh. he also provided me with a white noise fan without me even asking which was SO choice. zzzzz. My plan was to get up in the morning, get coffee someplace nearby at wherever he recommended, and then hit the road forrrr... Philadelphia!!! Night two!!!! I got some breakfast tacos at a hella legit place, messed up my coffee/milk/sugar ratio ever so slightly but not in an undrinkable way, and then frickin. autobot rolled out. This drive was not bad at ALL, I timed it pretty much exactly like I planned it to, which was to: get to my friend's place where I was crashing in philly with, ideally, enough time to take a small nap before I had to do anything else, because, god, despite being pretty exhausted and sleeping okay on the nice guest bed in DC, I had BARELY slept the night before I left just from Travel Antsiness and from both staying up way later and waking up way earlier than I meant to unintentionally, and a second little recharge zzz before I went and did it all over again really hit the spot.

It was soooo nice to see Mads again and to see Mr. Angus and also meet BENNY!! More host cats!! They are suuuch silly good little lads, Mads and I had a ton of Kitty Chat and just vibing out and talking about concerts and fandom and stuff, I was so thankful she let me stay with her and getting to hang out was icing on the cake of this trip! She pointed me toward the trolley I'd need to take to get to the venue, and after my baby snzzz and drinking a ton of water and suiting up in my Arc-inspired look (literally just a sweatshirt dress I bought specifically because it was color-blocked very very much like the jackets/outfits they toured Arc in, I saw it and bought it immediately lmfao) I journeyed into the city, hoping to just find a place to eat in the vicinity of the gig! I was way closer up in the queue this time, the people in front of me were really just like.... the usual suspects, Annika+squad and David+squad (incl. Becky, who'd apparently already been there when I got there but wasn't there when I arrived), and also a super-nice woman immediately in front of me named Robin who I MEGA hit it off with!!! Hanging out with her was such an awesome part of my experience at this gig!!! she's COMPLETELY Offline which is so powerful for her but I hope there's some capacity in which we can continue to be friends because she ruled.

There was a Dominican(? I think) place like one block down from the venue where a couple in front of me had gotten some stuff and so I ran down there to snag food too and holy shit this man gave me so much goddamn food. Just a HUGE pile of rice and beans and some pork ribs, and I got a pineapple fanta, and I just popped a squat on the sidewalk and ate as much of it as I could which was probably not even half of what he gave me but it wasn't even that expensive so god bless. Once I wasn't dealing with my food sitch any more I was freed up to pass out a bunch of bracelets again, and I even got a couple more trades, one that was just a bunch of black beads and a bunch of Xs and one that says 'BUSSY' which I am elated about, thank you so fucking much lmao. Also someone offered to trade me an ibuprofen LOL and I was like no that's fine the bracelet can be free... for now, but I will keep that in mind if I change my mind later LOL aaahhh i was just so excited to give the bracelets out it was such a good vector for socializing and making Friends and Gig Buddies. I did learn p quickly at Philly that I should have made way more Man Alive, GTH, and Raw Data feel bracelets because those were basically the first to go every night and then I got stuck with just sad unloved Re-Animators and AFDs :( I was trying to like! do equal amounts of everything to give everything the love because I love them all! but people got favorites out there damn lmao. I was happy to be able to give Robin the MY KZ one because she said that's the first song she ever heard by them and it's special to her because of that (and then also it's been in the touring set and she got to hear them perform it too yay!!! I don't remember if she said she'd seen them before but it had just been a very very long time, or what, idk, aaaah).

We were R I G H T on the stage at this venue, slightly more to Alex's side this time, and the lip/rise of the stage was not very high at ALL and it felt almost like... intimidating, or like it shouldn't have been ALLOWED, for us to be that close to the stage. :flushed emoji: jeez lmao. I didn't fuck w merch here either but some people around me did I think and I held their spots, and a nice kid from right behind me in the queue brought me a Liquid Death which was so incredibly sweet. Pierre's set passed much as it had in DC, lmao; his other musician guy had a sweet fit on, though, this like two-piece set that was a really really dark/muted camo, a blazer over a black top and then matching like athleisure-fit pants and black boots, it was a fuckin look. They had a song at the very end of Pierre's Philly set that I don't think they'd done in DC (and that I didn't get in PGH either, it turned out), and ironically that was actually probably far and away the song of his I enjoyed the most, so I got kind of into it there at the end! but MAN was I ready to see the boys instead. hnnnn.

LADS SO CLOSE TO ME. JUST RIGHT THERE AND SINGING AND ROCKING. the set was aaaalmost exactly the same as DC, but in Philly they shifted Bad Friday up out of the encore and back into the set proper, and then replaced it in the encore with Violent Sun, which I admit I'd been bummed to not see in DC because I think the Violent Sun/No Reptiles encore double whammy is so incredibly crucial to the vibe. Warmed me to have it back in. Obviously Pittsburgh had so many other contributing factors that put it over the edge, but if it weren't for all of those, I think Philly would've been my favorite/best experience of these four gigs. Jon was spicy (he sang so many of the Original Rejected naughty lyrics, this is where we got 'he's a vegetable now' for the first and only time and also the only gig of the four where he leaned into the 'Arch Jeremy' gag in Arch Enemy, hehehehe, plus also motherfuckin' distant past which is not uncommon), and we got way more of the New Song-- through the whisper network of Becky, AG, David, etc., etc., we'd pieced together enough info to know by now that apparently the title of the song was in the lyrics of the chorus, and so I think it was in Philly that we all pretty much determined/decided that this was Cold Reactor. I love you like an atom bomb and I've become a cold reactor. I wasn't diving as DEEP into SONG DECIPHERING as some other folks were, but I did like kind of working on it at my own pace and absorbing it into my heart and my understanding of the band and what they're about to start doing, and so this was really great, for me, here, beautiful, beautiful. I took almost NO pics and vids at this one because my phone was kind of dying but also mostly just because I was honestly having such an enormously great time and I didn't feel the need to try to do anything other than be present in my body at the gig and experience it live. you KNOW?? LIKE!! MUSIC. man. EDIT TO ADD: I forgot to mention a small tech flub that was actually so charming, where near the very end of Arch Enemy jon seemed to be having trouble with his guitar board in the front, and he spent so long in the outro squinting down at it and trying to resolve the issue that he didn't fully come in on the It's time to show your face! bit at the proper time, and he ended up just saying "It's time to show your face." right into the mic very unaffected and straight-up in his regular speaking voice at the very, very end when the song was basically over. lol. he is cute. everyone is cute.

(I WILL ALSO SAY I got the giggles SO BAD at david and amanda's gudetama they slipped onto the stage, oh my god--I was going to take a joke video just dramatically zooming in on it, as one does, except right when I went to do that it got caught up in jon's mic cable and just TUMBLED AND JOSTLED ALL OVER THE PLACE and that fucking GOT me and I was DYING and it was right at like. the serious, heartstring-tugging, fuck-yeah parts of No Reptiles where I'm supposed to be at CHURCH and instead I'm losing my shit into hysterics over this poor gudetama just rolling everywhere alksdhjglaksd, I had to bury my face in Becky's shoulder for a measure or more and try to recover, oh my godddd. EGGS!) -- (OH ALSO I LMAO I HAVE SEVERAL AUDIENCE MEMBER ~BITS THAT I AM DOING just like, clapping here or there, participating actively in certain parts of things, and one that I kept doing for some asshole clown reason was singing along with/lampshading Alex's quick backing vox on the second verse of Spring Sun Winter Dread-- Philly was probably the place where I was the most prominent/obvious/easy to see doing it, and it made both him and Jeremy REALLY snicker, ahahaha I'm sorryyyyyyy for being obnoxioussssss)

The merch/loitering sitch was sli-iiightly more locked down, in here; there was only so long Marty and I could pretend to be thinking about merch/hanging out with people who were actually in line but not actually being in line before they really truly wanted us to leave, and they were pretty pissed that I even left the venue with an empty/ice-only water cup, never mind any dreams of re-entry. The militant energy of the security at this venue compared to how relatively chill and normal DC had been (for two venues I would say of comparable size/seriousness) was def my least favorite part of the Philly experience. I was outside, finishing my water and chitchatting with some artsy youths who were also unimpressed with security, and Becky's messaging me like "they're in here!" and I'm like "well I'm not and I can't come back so you gotta tell them to come out here!" lmao. But they did!!! All the guys came out before too long and I very delightfully got to talk to everyone. I gave Mike and Jeremy the bracelets I'd made for them - THEY both apologized to ME outright for not coming out to chat the night before?? like hello you’re the band we’re the fans you don’t owe us anything - they kind of came toward my side of the door first, and talked and chatted some, vs Jon sort of peeling the other way to the other half of the loiterers - I honestly have lost track of the sequence of events here and what happened when, but it was largely unimportant hehe. (Gosh, but then I keep randomly remembering other unrelated details. Like, for example, Black Cat gave me their big ol' signature black cat hand stamp, and I'd been thinking, oh this will be fun to watch my four hand stamps stack from these four gigs, the way I got two together from The Altogether/Matt Duncan double feature back in July, and then Underground Arts put theirs on the INSIDE OF MY WRIST and not the back of my hand, and both Irving and T-Bird just did wristbands. BUMMER.) But mostly just Seeing Band, Talking To Band. This was when I overheard Alex definitely confirm to someone that the new song is called Cold Reactor, and he sort of half-seriously half-not said they just didn't call it that on the setlist in case there was another "New Song" they might want to decide to start playing there instead at the last minute, even though the longer this goes on the more confident we are that they're not going to do that and that Cold Reactor is gonna be a new single that probably drops once this tour is over <___< eyes emoji. Also, between Wednesday and Thursday we also knew that the bleach-blond hair is for Lore Reasons, which we assume are to do with Cold Reactor and the album it will be on, because of course it is. stupid. jonathan higgs I want to crawl inside your deranged pisces mind and meld with it vulcan style.

anyway, as far as my short term memory can be relied upon/will tell me is the truth, I think Jon was actually the last person I ended up in contact with on this night; I was drifting over toward him but someone else was still engaged in an active conversation with him, so I was like, well obviously I will wait my turn and let other people have jonathan time even though I'm the biggest jonathan girlie, I can just hang and go in when he frees up, and so I was turned slightly away from him listening in on other convos and talking to Becky and maybe Annika or a couple other people, and then suddenly there's a delicate hand on the back of my shoulder and Jon's right in my fucking ear ominously going "hello." askdjhgka. He was soooo cute and nice, I gave him the bracelet I made him as well (which was "I wanna be there" from Violent Sun and shades of re-animator orange) and he was immediately like Oh, of course you, are the bracelet distributor, and I was like hehehe yes, and he asked if I also had to do with the gudetama and I was like absolutely not I have no idea what is going on there lmfao. and I think amanda and david did take credit for it at that time of course so yes hehe. Ended up in a fun casual chitchat with Jon and Becky for most of the rest of the time here, with her trying to squeeze him for info about the new song and album and lore hehehe and him being his typical cryptic trolly cagey Jon, and it was all in incredibly good fun; he noticed her bracelet too, and she pointed it out like Yes I got the one that says This Is The Prophecy from big climb because it hearkens back to that bit they were doing on twitter from way before that song even came out so I gave her that one on purpose duh lol, and Jon says "Oooh yep I forgot about that. .. Album..." and mimed swiping his hair back like whoopsie lmao and it was such a silly little half-self-neg on Re-Animator lol, and so I said "WELP too bad! because the one I made from you is one of those too haha!" and he took another look at it as if to remind himself about it and then went "Well yeah that one's good" with a wryer wickeder laugh and I was like lmao tell us how you really feel. But like he's right violent sun is perfect and I actually labored so long over what I was going to have jon's say because he was the only person I didn't have a really solid concrete idea of what to make for and ALSO he was the only one I REALLY wanted to get PERFECT because it's important to me and yeah. so it was. reassuring for him to like the violent sun one. idk anyway.

The woman we'd seen running around doing a lot for them, including merch, who recognized us from DC the night before and was fun and glib about it, and who turns out to be: Tour Manager Sam, finally had enough of our fucking about and started very efficiently organizing us all into "everyone who wants a pic with themself + all four guys come get in Now and I'm gonna play photographer and then we all gotta go the fuck home" and I respected it SO much lmao, so we had sort of a rotating queue of group picture taking and then the guys all went back inside the venue (I kind of fingerguns'd Jon like "New York :D?" and he looked at me just SO Put Out and just deadpanned "Of course you're going to be there." of course!! lmfao) and we started talking amongst ourselves just out of reluctance to let the night end/social energy we still wanted to wallow in and that was cute and nice. I said goodbye to some folks who weren't going any further on the tour. I had such a wonderful night. Then, lo and behold, we turn around and Jeremy's up on the stoop of the venue, and he's like, I think I've locked myself out. I am locked out and I also don't have my phone on me. lmfao jez. he goes "I am going to blame jonathan" and we allowed him that. I was like, do you want me to TWEET AT SOMEONE LOL and he was like good god no they'll come back for me eventually, and then yes they did, and THEN we all left hahahaha. becky insisted on sticking with me part of the way to the trolley but I was like, it is coming in 14 minutes and it says it's gonna take me 12 minutes to get there I gotta GO!, and I freaking missed it anyway!!! and then I had to wait like OVER HALF AN HOUR MORE for the next one and i didn't even get ON the trolley till like 12:50 and it was soooo late before I was back at mads's place aiyaa. But, all in all, TRULY SUCH A GOOD NIGHT I JUST LOVE BEING IN AN ACTIVE BUZZY FANDOM SPACE AND MEETING FANS AND PARASOCIALING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND DOING ARTS N CRAFTS. you KNOW?? you know. you're on tumblr you get it.

The Philly to Jersey (pre-NYC) leg of my road tripping was set to be Thee shortest drive I had to make the whole time, so I let myself have time in the morning to keep snoozing and fucking about, even though I once again woke up way earlier than I'd hoped to and didn't ever make it back to sleep after that. But the tradeoff was still super nice and relaxing vibing with Madeline--I offered to buy her breakfast in exchange for the couch-crashin' and we got hella bagel sandwiches and cold brew from a place real close by her apartment, and scarfed 'em down while watching the most recent ep of Make Some Noise and just shooting the shit (again, largely about either fandom or kitty cats. We are simple folk). My sandwich contained salmon, a fried egg, and the most incredible sloppy caramelized onions, what a banger. The last truly good food I truly enjoyed before my mega super Travel Tummy set in and wrecked my whole shop metabolically speaking, rip. I took a little rinsy-rinse shower at her place too, and then finally made myself get up and Go to do the runaround silly business of driving to and parking in NJ, taking the ferry in to Manhattan, and then taking the subway to Allegra's place for NIGHT THREE IN NEW YORK CITY WOOOOO. I LOVE going to E E with Allegra!!!!! Once again I used her place primarily as a spot to change out of my car clothes and into my gig clothes (it's RDF night; I wore an oversized pale beige button-up shirt, actually left over from my Foals Antidotes costume from last halloween hahaha, gussied up with E E pins and jewelry) and to fuck about with bracelets. I made Allegra a special In Birdsong bracelet, the only one I did from that song :) because allegra is my special E E friend!! and she needs one of her special song!!! Fandom... is good. Allegra also had a kickass outfit. We stopped in at a tex-mex place she really wanted to try that was nearby the venue, and i got pretty nervous that it was gonna be a little late before doors for us to be hitting a sit-down dinner spot, but we rushed it along pretty well on the food and got our slice of dessert cake to go in a box and everything was A-OK. And I had time to hit a bodega for merch cash from the ATM and a pineapple soda for fortitude! let's GOOO irving plaza.

God, Irving was kind of a shitshow when it came to queuing and security though. There were a fair few people in line ahead of us, maybe just as many or slightly more than what I'd had in DC (definitely further back than Philly, although in line near us were the same also-eating-Dominican-food couple from the Philly gig, and I recognized them and was glad to see them again-- I FULLY DO NOT REMEMBER/DID NOT CATCH Y'ALL'S NAMES, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE BECAUSE WE HUNG OUT AND WORKED TOGETHER SO MUCH, i am so sorryyyyy), but then because it's not a sweet local friendly indie venue but is in fact Livenation As Hell, there's some person affiliated with the venue wandering up front offering some sort of VIP/fast pass line experience where you can just cough up some extra cash and get in your own special line and get to go in first regardless of how long other people have been queuing--you know the deal. Wack as hell. I think David and Amanda opted for this in some capacity, so I was happy for them about it, but a lot of the other people who ended up doing it had kind of rancid vibes of just like "concert-going" and not the very lovely communal sardine megafan energy everyone else had had thusfar. Also it put us where we were at in the queue standing in a place that just had a really terrible smell of sewage, which persisted almost the entire time we were there only to suddenly be replaced by a very powerful smell of bleach, as if whatever it was was suddenly being cleaned/sanitized. ICKY!! Annika was enough further ahead of us in line that I thought it might have only been over where we were but she said no she was definitely getting it too. new york city babey

Bracelet distribution got a little silly here, too, since the queue was wrapping SO far back and was being policed a little more stringently, but I had kind of figured I may need some kind of additional plan, especially since I'd decided not to wear my fanny pack (bum bag--fanny pack, says Jonathan Higgs in a derisive American accent, even as he's telling me he likes mine a lot, skdjshgalkj smh) since my shorts under my shirt had really capacious pockets and that just made for one less thing to worry about--I snagged a sheet of paper at Allegra's place, along with a gallon-size ziploc bag, and I put all the bracelets in there with a note that said to just take one if you wanted one and pass it back through the queue while we waited. It was kind of a crapshoot how effective I thought this was going to be, especially since I had to kind of wait to deploy it once there was a substantial queue BUT by the time there was a big queue it meant that I couldn't see exactly HOW big from where I was near-ish enough to the front, so I didn't know how far the bag was going to make it, if someone was going to end up stuck with my whole big bag at the back of the line (esp since I had a fair number of extra Philly bracelets left over that I lumped in with the NYC ones just because I still Had them).... whew...! BUT by the time Marty was there, he was further enough back from me that I asked him to kind of check up on it when it made it to him and keep passing it; and, by the time we were going inside, I could see zero sign of the bag itself but I DID catch a lot of people milling around me wearing bracelets, and one or two of them did stop me to thank me (since I'd indicated on my note in the bag that I was the person with green hair hahaha), and then I never saw 'em again, so I guess it was a relative success!! Yayyyyy!! WAY less conducive to making New Line Friends than the DC/Philly setup had been, but incredibly effective at making sure that all my bracelets found new homes rather than me having to take a huge handful home with me again and them just sitting in my house forever LOL. success! :)

tl;dr about the bracelets. not important compared to concert and band. WE GO INSIDE!! They have such dumb security/bag check. a gender-split process where the men get patted down by a dude guard and the women get patted down by a lady guard? In TYOOL 2023? you hate to see it. She felt the Sharpie in my back pocket and made me take it out and surrender it???? MY METALLIC BRONZE SHARPIE ? ? no sharpies in the venue I guess. Talked to at least one other person who got sharpie-confiscated too, but also at least two people who fully didn't and still had markers just fine. Absolute shenanigans. Allegra and I didn't quite get barrier due in part to fastpass line nonsense but we did end up right exactly behind Annika &co. with perfect sightlines, once again stage-left/Jeremy-ward-of-center. we don't hate it! my Philly pals to my left with David, Becky et al in front of them. Me fully surrounded by redheads. LOL.

this was the laaaatest show of my whole run, a whole lot of standing around just waiting for Band, and also definitely the energy of "trying to politely vibe to pierre kwenders's set because he can clearly see me and look straight at me even though I would much rather just skip to the bit I actually came for and don't necessarily need to see his set" just slowly increasing every night RIP lol. BUT WE MADE IT! ohhhh new york. EXACT same set as Philly but I couldn't even be mad about it because I was still so grateful to get a Man Alive song that wasn't just MY KZ (not that I don't love my kz obviously, but it HAS been in the set literally all eight times that I have seen E E live as of this Irving Plaza gig, and something else from that album is fun fresh delicious) (OH, SWEET THREEP OF FRIDAY EVENING, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW) and to be getting COLD REACTOR again, especially becaussseee by this point I knew just enough of the lyrics that I felt confident singing/mouthing along conspicuously with the parts that I Did know, aka I See You Sir I'm Doing The Thing Just Watch Me, god I wish I knew how to be not so fucking extra but then again no I don't. we did get saddled with some Rather Annoying audience members in our near vicinity--a couple I'd spotted in the fastpass line earlier wedged themselves hard between me and my tall redhead/mask-wearing homie from Philly, all like "ummm we're short :)" because they. were, but that didn't give them a right to be pushy and rude, and their vibes were kind of shit because the sense I got was they were mostly there because the girl really loved the band and the dude didn't know much about them at all, and also they were already drunk so early on in the set, and they were talking loudly with some other fans they'd just met and getting Lore™ explained to them and it was just a lot of. loud talking and shoving. in my vicinity. when I would have preferred for there to. not be. BUT Also materializing behind me was someone who said "I saw your bracelets on twitter do you still have any!!" and I had to be like UHHHH FUCK, NO, I turned them loose into the queue, did they not make it as far as you..?? and she sadly said no, and I was like, well the only one I have left is this one I just left on for tradesies/advertising purposes, and it says "akon in the butterfly house" so that's kind of a deep cut, if you're familiar-- and she went WAIT REALLY and seemed SUPER jazzed to get a Dave Sardine-ass bracelet and I was like OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, GOOD, ACTUALLY, because I'd made four of these and I knew they were going to be the deepest cut/hardest sell and I was really really hoping that whoever ended up with them would actually get and appreciate them. so thank you, andrea, for being that person, and for appearing exactly when the bracelet needed it most. so glad to have hung with you this night. sorry that you too found yourself among the ranks of the sharpie-confiscatees.

ANYWAY, OTHER THAN THAT, THIS AUDIENCE WAS FIRE AND THIS GIG SLAPPED. We were finally in a space and an environment that REALLY lent itself to the crowd actually full on bouncing/dancing instead of just kind of wobbling and vibing and everyone in my immediate zone was really going hard. I LOVE this fucking BAND. I love every song by this band. I love when Jon just points the mic at the crowd and the entire crowd sings the whole song word for word and note for note. I love that Jon was still desperately trying to cram the name of the host city into the start of My Kz, despite the fact that "Washington" subs for "Lucifer" perfectly (he has done this both times I've seen them in DC lol) but "Philadelphia" is WAY too stupid long and "New York City," while a syllable shorter, scans metrically in an extremely busted way and you could have just said EN WHY CEE or. y'know. lucifer. but okay man you do you. Jon was just as rowdy as the rest of us lmfao. he was like, climbing up and down off Mike's riser, he was finding people who were taking photos/videos and staring directly into their cameras (me fucking included--I'm sorry, Jon, you can't make eye contact with me while singing the "When I saw you, I fell in love" part of Leviathan, I am pretty sure that is illegal and a crime against my humanity), and basically all the tracks from Get To Heaven (plus like, Cough Cough and NOTLK) blew the fucking roof off the place. I think he donked some My Kz lyrics hehehe he just skipped to the alt lyrics of the chorus too early without completing the standard chorus first at the end, and a little flubbo in NOTLK and a tiny stutter in No Reptiles too, everyone was just TOO ROWDY and he's THROWN LOOPY and man did we not care. I said multiple times to people on this tour that pretty much the closest things I've ever experienced to true Religion are a) being in an E E audience for No Reptiles and b) being in a Hedwig audience for Midnight Radio. they're the same spiritually in my heart and also like do people who love Jesus feel this way and is this why. insane. the cult leader imagery was Not Wrong!!!!!

I wanna MERCH! I got in the line not too long after the show wrapped, but true to reports I'd heard about the pre-show merch line, it was moving verrryy slowly, with just one guy manning it who was not exactly quick and a card reader that seemed pretty chuggy too (but hey, at least NY was taking card). I'd known I wanted the poster--it's got my favorite neon orange on it, it really really slaps, and I wanted something to get signed--but I let myself talk myself into a t-shirt too, mostly because I was REALLY excited to buy E E merch apparel that wasn't black or white. Yellow!! a really freaking good yellow!! I wish the yellow ones had actually had the tour dates on them like the black and white ones did but the yellow branding has been pretty exclusive to this leg of tour (i.e. vs the red branding of the west coast one last year) and it looks soooo good with my hair that I don't especially mind. I also knew that Adrian wanted a copy of Caps Lock On, but that he also wanted a shirt, but I hadn't heard back from him about which shirt or what size so I just got the book and my stuff and then bounced. Communique from outside was that Alex had surfaced but no one else, but that Alex had promised appearances by the rest of them, but that also Alex was already gone and unlikely to return by the time I made it outside. I posted up with all my friends from inside, god this was SUCH a good sardine squad this night, and it took some waiting but eventually the promises came true! All the other boys surfaced and we had some REALLY great fan chats and mingling this tiimmmmee. oh my gosh. A guy came with a Modern Bison CD that Jon and Jeremy were really truly overjoyed to see and to sign and take pictures with; I talked to Jeremy about the bracelets some more because he'd been wearing the one I gave him the WHOLE GIG IN NEW YORK SO LIKE THAT'S GONNA BE IN ANY PHOTOS THAT WERE TAKEN PROFESSIONALLY SPEAKING, oh my gosshhh, he was so nice about it and enjoyed that his Arch Jeremy matched my Arch Emily, the vibes were impeccable; and then I got everyone to sign my poster, but of course Alex was gone already, so Jon offers to forge Alex's signature and goes "look it's like this" and draws some loopy scribble on there and I'm like, lmao, sure.

thing was... I had absolutely heard Jeremy signing something for someone else the night before talking about how he was getting really good at forging Alex's signature for him, since I guess it's normal for him to be the one that disappears the sneakiest (god he really is just the Justin Craig of this band, it's 1:1, huh), and so when I told Jeremy this, he was like "I'll do it" and I was like "no Jon did already do it" and he was going to just leave it then, like, oh, well, okay, but then he saw the mess Jon had made and he was like "--that's quite dreadful actually-- the trick is to not overthink it--" and so now my poster has two forged Alex Robertshaw signatures and zero authentic ones. l m f a o. (To be fair, I do have other things they've all four signed, and Jeremy's fake Alex is at least passable, and Jon's fake Alex is Absolute Dogshit Nothing. I am obsessed.) I even got Peter to sign! He was talking with another fan about a gift she'd given them in the past that had sadly been part of what they lost in their studio fire, it was really heartbreaking to hear. He also thanked me again for his bracelet and told me he planned to give it to his daughter and that she would love it. We took a pic together! Pete the GOAT.

While I was making the rounds with the other boys and other fans, Allegra mostly in tow, swapping sharpies among those of us who still had them, Becky was back with Jon, taking a couple videos for people who weren't there in NY to talk about stuff that they were curious about--I think in the context of Maria, Becky said something like, she thinks the hair is crazy, and Jon said into the camera something like, "If you think it's crazy Now, give it like two or three more weeks, and you're really gonna think it's crazy." SIR WHAT. If the blond is a precursor to something else happening I'm gonna be so the opposite of normal about it, and if the bleach is a stepping stone toward the boys dyeing their hair Other colors I am going to be PROFOUNDLY NOT NORMAL ABOUT IT, AND IF ANY MEMBER OF THE MANCUNIAN ROCK BAND EVERYTHING EVERYTHING HAS THEIR HAIR DYED GREEN ANY TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE I AM GOING TO BE ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE. tyler the creator unfollow me right now etc. etc. etc. The more I've thought about it I don't THINK this is what's up--my sense is that any Cold Reactor music video is probably already filmed and ready to drop alongside the single pretty quick after the tour ends, rather than being something they're going to film/put together entirely post-tour, so they probably needed the bleachblond for some energy similar to how I felt about them when they first walked on stage in DC, but Oh man...... OH MAN............ I digress. anyway.

following up from that, Allegra (I think? Or maybe still Becky and allegra was just Present) addressed the notion of the hair being related to the Lore, and like, did that mean lore for the single/the upcoming album ? ? which was what we were assuming, and Jon said some demented and ominous and extremely exciting phrase like, "The lore for this one is.... b o t t o m l e s s" in his always-startling real deep Jon voice, and that was the fucking sound bite of the evening, folks. FOLKS. ALLEGRA AND I WENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO HER APARTMENT JUST CONTINUALLY SAYING "THE LORE IS BOTTOMLESS!" my body is so god damn ready.

We bid farewells to all our friends for whom NYC was their final stop on this tour!! SAD!!!!!! Going to miss all the homies T___T it's not fair that we're not just all going to every single stop on this tour I don't think? it should actually be illegal for us not to be present when the band is performing?? the hugest RIP. Hugs exchanged all around. Me trying to say bye to Jon but he's engaged with someone else so I think I just awkwardly said "See you tomorrow" twice and then we left. becky maaaybe trying to last minute scramble to also come to pgh now despite not really having accounted for it in her plans originally ? ? I was not certain what she intended here but I supported her. yes. me, annika and AG for sure being there at least. we ride. Back to allegra's where I did, unfortunately, sleep ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLY/BASICALLY NOT AT ALL due to being so hot and stuffy in my little nest on the floor that it was making me nauseated, I think I got maybe 2.5 hours tops, but I didn't really have a choice because if I wanted to be back home in time to do ANYTHING other than just rock straight over to the queue for Thunderbird then I knew I was going to have to leave so GOD DAMN early in the morning to haul ass back to where my car was and then drive the seven hours to pgh. But I did exactly that!!!! bitch!!!!! Other than some issues like, managing to make a timely pit stop for gas/potty/coffee, I endured the miserable long roadtrip despite myself, raging my way through the poconos, downing the largest cold brew Wawa would sell me, having a truly tragic car vs quesadilla incident, etc. My BFF Francis even got on the phone with me for the last hour or so and we chatted and I got to give them the whole update on the tour thus far, so fun! They MIGHT try to go to the Chicago stop next week!!! if they feel like they can swing it, and I was like ok no pressure but also it's been an extraordinary experience for me thusfar and I highly recommend. So if you see Francis at E E Chicago please holler at them kindly from me!!! :) But at the very least they said they did want a T-shirt and venmo'd me money to buy them one, since I was already still gonna have to get one for Adrian. woooooo

I got home with, yeah, basically exactly enough time to shower, get my outfit together, and regroup before heading to the venue !!! I JUST BARELY missed the bus that would've gotten me there the most promptly, largely due to not being able to find another fucking Sharpie since irving plaza took my first one lmfao, and it ended up being quicker to walk there than to wait the 36 minutes it would've been for another bus or whatever. I still had MEGA travel tummy so I just snagged an apple and scarfed it down on the walk over. Annika was already there queuing! so we hung out in line together and waited and drank the waters we had definitely brought in from outside the bar and just vibed lol. and she was like, I heard them checking two new songs that haven't been in the setlist yet, and I was like ha ha lol like what, and she said, kevin's car and leave the engine room.

and listen, I was optimistic. that my social media obnoxiousness and well-known, easily observable public desires might yet sway them, because come on it's my hometown and it's the last show i'm gonna see on this tour and I sent them donuts, and those were MEANT as a KINDNESS and an ENTHUSIASM FOR DONUTS and not as a bribe, but if anyone wanted to interpret them as a bribe anyway whomst was I to say no, but like. just because I want the band i like to do a thing absolutely does not mean that they have to fucking do it. I want to be crystal clear that i have never at any point EXPECTED them to do this. i just. hoped. yearned in my heart of hearts. and also had very sound rationale for how possible/likely it was. Here's How Engie Room Can Still Win. yfm. but the soundcheck all but confirmed it in my soul for me. and I was like... glad, that she'd been there and caught it and could tell me about it, because it gave me time to like, come to terms with the reality of it, emotionally. AAH. AAAAAHHH, OKAY. BITCH, PLIABLE HEAD, IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

we lingered and watched the queue form behind us-- I spotted a kid I'd seen at the Philly show, god bless. Everywhere we turn, repeat customers. I was telling my work friend today, I feel like the US fanbase for E E is significantly smaller than the UK audience, but we make up for it in that we go fucking hard. Every US fan is a superfan. there are no half-assed american sardines. and that has been so BEAUTIFUL and means the WORLD to me to be sharing it with the other ones of you. Bracelet sharing rocked at this gig!! I had exactly as many as I'd set aside for Pittsburgh and no more, since all my spares had evaporated up at Irving, A new person ALSO HAD BRACELETS!!! LIKE, for realsies Made For Trading At This Show Specifically bracelets, it was suuuuch a delight, so in addition to my eclectic collection from the previous gigs I now also have one that says RAW DATA FEEL with some truly choice glow in the dark bric-a-brac on there as well, and my heart was so warm aaaaaah. fwiendship :) Also spotted in the pre-doors queue were the Pizza Boy costumed guy and a woman I met at Foals in 2019?? who I guess automatically recognizes me because of the green hair, but just. omg. the community!!!! I'm dying!!!!!!

There was a slight will-call kerfuffle that nevertheless did not stop me from being dead center dead at the front right in front of where jonathan's mic was destined to be, and I was like. god. here we go. the home stretch. This was ABSOLUTELY the WORST place to be to be pretending to be interested in pierre's set, because he kept looking straight at me and dog I gotta admit four shows in I was feeling pretty tired. like, the energy of E E Itself was going to fully reinvigorate me, but nearly everything else on the planet was like totally disinteresting and I wasn't really up for it, especially when it's my semi-sex-repulsed ace-spectrum ass being just really put off by the suggestive gyrations of a performer that is not to my tastes. UM SORRY BYE HAHA. they didn't even play the one song I kind of liked. I managed to miss like two and a half songs of his set being still locked in the merch line at least lmao. literally WHILE I WAS STANDING IN THE MERCH LINE they sold out of the yellow shirt and I couldn't get me and francis matchies so I had to get them the black instead :( but thankfully they still had the one Adrian wanted because idk what I would have done if I had to scramble for a plan B with him on short notice haha. and I had EXACTLY enough cash for the two shirts left from the day before and I was paying Tour Manager Sam with it like oh my gosh I'm so sorry this is like my sweaty pocket cash from last night this is kinda gross and she was just like, No actually that's honestly exactly how I've been rolling as well and it is kind of gross so like agreed hahaha. She's the best. Idk how long she'll be tenured to them but I'd love to see her continue to exist in like their coterie moving forward. impeccable vibes.

also used merch waiting as a way to distribute more bracelets and get a drink of water! WOOHOO NOW I AM READY TO RECEIVE MY COMMUNION THANK YOU. they put the setlists down and there was a very small fraction of me that wanted to avert my eyes but like I. I had to know. and annika said yes there are new songs in the list. and I peered into the list and my song was there.

hey guys. hey guys? look, this was for me. I have to be honest with you. i manifested this. by being annoying on twitter. by being god's specialest costume-making donut-gifting bracelet-slinging weirdo. I'm owning it and it's mine. I was exactly EXACTLY right with "well, if they put Engine Room in they'll probably take Leviathan out, because they'd kind of fill the same role of slow moody song in the set, and then they'll probably swap in a different non-Man Alive song to compensate for Engine Room being there instead," and this is exactly what happened, and so then not only did I get Engine Room but I also got REGRET, WHICH IS ALSO AN EMILY THREEPWILLOW PLIABLE HEAD SONG, BECAUSE HERE THESE NERDLORD KINGSHIT BANDBOYS ARE IN MY GODDAMN BACK YARD, they're in my house and god it took me the whole fucking set up to then to just prepare, like I had to try not to think about it so I could enjoy what was right in front of me. God it was so fucking, fucking good. our position along the stage had Alex's stuff REALLY forward in the mix which was kind of new for me, but jon was just right there and every time I lifted my hands to dance and to yearn it was like, the only thing stopping me from touching you is my own sense of propriety and not any kind of physical barrier or distance, and the person immediately behind me was seeing the band for the first time and felt similarly about NOTLK as I did to Engine Room and those two songs were literally back to back in the set so we kind of screamed and cried and died together, I gave her a huge hug, and LOL SORRY NOT SORRY THAT I GOT MY KZ AND LEVIATHAN TAKEN OUT OF THE SETLIST FOR Y'ALL, PITTSBURGH, I DO FEEL KIND OF BAD BUT THIS WAS UMMM IMPORTANT TO ME, THANK YOU, goodbye. goodbye I left the planet. I thought I was going to cry and I nearly did but I didn't, but I did actually maybe start hyperventilating. like I'm glad I knew it was coming ahead of time because if it had been a full surprise I think whatever was happening to my lungs would have been exponentially worse and I may have even fainted.

(which, btw: jonathan. jon. when he came out on stage, he almost immediately got his mic cable caught on the edge of where his setlist was taped down, and in jerking it around, he whipped the setlist up off the floor and way upstage toward where Pete was; when he finally put it to rights and taped it back down, he just left it where it was at, far enough away from me that I definitely could not read it anymore; and like DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE? TO MOVE IT OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT, TO MAYBE KEEP ME FROM READING IT? SURELY YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT I'D ALREADY SEEN IT LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO. NICE TRY BUT IT'S TOO LATE I SAW EVERYTHING. i love him. i'm in physical pain.)

knowing this was my final one, I went so, so, incredibly hard, I let myself dance and mosh and scream and take way more pics and videos than I had before, I leaned on the lip of the stage, I had an absolute fucking blast. When the set was over a few other people who were more strategically positioned (i.e. people who had not had their most easily accessible setlists unceremoniously yoinked several feet away) snatched up the closest ones way quick; there was a general tension in the crowd at being able to see jon's, but it being further away out of reach, and one ballsy-ass kid (the "Kevin" person who'd accompanied the pizza boy person) actually clambored up onto the stage and ninja'd over and took it for himself, which inspired two copycats to do the same for some discarded guitar picks (and all of which definitely provoked a very loud, unimpressed, authoritative barking of "HEY!!!" from some security somewhere, like, they definitely shouldn't have done that!! yikes!!!!). I, instead, very patiently waited for an opportune moment to get the attention of their short king guitar tech as he was running around doing teardown, and someone else flagged him first and got pete's setlist, and in my final moments I got him to get me mike's. Gang, I'm gonna be real with you, I was not leaving my Pittsburgh hometown show in which they played Leave The fucking Engine Room without a setlist. there would've been blood or at the very least tears. so like. thank god lmao. Satisfied, we got some water and then headed out!!!

It was a long, chilly wait for the boys outside--god, the chilliness was REFRESHING, though, it's October for crying out loud, and DC and Philly and NY had all been muggy sweaty hot with no need for even long pants, much less a jacket, but I was glad I'd had the forethought to wear my flannel around my waist to cover up the YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT printed around the ass of my shorts on my walk over to deter questions, lmfao. We easily identified the spot on the side of the venue where we assumed the guys were coming out, it was all just a matter of time. (AG and I getting some confusing-to-parse messages from Becky? Idk my phone was SUPER dying so I was trying to leave it on airplane as much as possible, I didn't even make it to the end of the night, RIP needing to use my map all day in the car and even with it plugged in spending more than I was juicing of the battery. Listen i needed PICS and VIDEOS!!) I saw Jon first, and he almost looked past me before spotting me there because I was pretty close to the corner of the block, and I just stared at him, and said, May I hug you. and he said, of course! and I hugged him so long and so hard just like, thank you, I was extremely emotional then and I'm also getting extremely emotional now just typing about it, and he was like omg haha what for? Coming to your town? and I was like coming to my town and playing my SONG!!! And then he said something with the tone of a snarky teasy joke but that was like flusteringly truthful underneath about them legitimately rearranging the set quite a lot for me, and I have not stopped screaming internally since then, and Jeremy joked that I'd just seen the exact same set three times and they felt they ought to give me at least something new ha ha ha but like it wasn't entirely a joke, and I just don't even know how to process this. i am perishèd in the soil. anyhow.

I wanted both my setlist and my Supernormal EP vinyl signed by all the boys, and I managed this with relatively little doing ("A deep cut!" jeremy remarks of the supernormal, haha), but I didn't want to be crowding them and getting in the way of other people getting lad time, so I kind of took a backseat and just talked when the time was right, but Jon did kind of keep wanting to talk to me. We talked about the new song, and we talked about the donuts I sent over--oh my GOD, because I was like, they're from that place over there, you can see the big neon donut sign from here! haha, and he was like dyou know what, I knew that's where they were from, because I went over there earlier in the day and got one for myself, I got a huckleberry one and I came back with it and everyone was like, what's that, they were very jealous, and then not too long after that this box of loads of them just shows up-- And like I am a donut fairy psychic wizard. Also everyone who is ever in Pittsburgh should go to Oliver's donuts and eat their fabulously good products. I will shill for them literally any day of the week. This is the second band I have given Oliver's to this year. I cannot be stopped. ANYWAY. i honestly almost could have written that prediction on an envelope and sealed it, that they'd end up wandering in there on their own only for me to send them some too. i was so tickled that jon got the huckleberry one because it's their signature flavor and it's SO PINK and allegra and I had just decided the night before that jon higgs is hot pink coded. like, in the universe where they are dyeing their hair multicolors for the lore. anyhow. it's good shit.

i had SO much fun after this show, even though it was so chilly and dark and we were scrungling around on a literal street corner outside a wine and spirits store, I was like holding people's things so they could get pics and signatures, I was showing off my supernormal booty shorts, I was talking to Jon about lore----- ohhh, my god, I had exactly two bracelets left when the night was over, literally the end of my stash, and it was one Final Form FIRST BODY LAST BODY that I said, y'know, I'm going to save this for my bestie francis when I send them the shirt, because that's the lyric I wanna get a tattoo of, and it'll match with my PLIABLE HEAD bracelet, and it'll be another sort of besties matching thing; and my one lone AKON IN THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE bracelet that remained, where I'd kind of said, well, if this one doesn't find the right home tonight, then at the end of the night I'm going to give it to Jon too. So I dug in my bag and passed it off, and he was like "what does this one say.... kon... Akon... Akon in the house--what is--OH AND THERE'S A LITTLE BUTTERFLY ON THERE, God--" and he was GRINNING and he was SO TICKLED BY IT and Jez chimed in with just like "The attention to detail--" and Jon was like "this is my favorite one actually," he LOVED IT AND I WAS SO CHARMED AND EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT, and then he offered me up something like "you kno-ow, this, the song, of this, there's actually a reference to it in something, something you've never heard-- and--that you never will," doing his cryptic Jon troll grin, "the one thing that didn't make it," with the implied end of that sentence being "onto the album," and 'album' in this case being implied to be Raw Data Feel, which they have very publicly said that for once was an album where they just put everything on and didn't cull any songs or reserve any bonus tracks to release later or whatever. So I said, "Oh, from the one that we've been told had no cuts...?" also not explicitly saying RDF, and his answer to that was vague/nondescript enough but was probably an affirmative, but then he did follow that up with "that's lore that's SO far down the line, WAY WAY out there," and god, just, how deep does this man's brain and nonsense even fucking go. how far into the future is there LORE. BOTTOMLESS!!! I am obsessed with him. i cannot stress enough how blorbo he is to me.

The shorts came back up in conversation too ("Sorry, let me just look quite closely at your ass for a moment--" "It's okay, the shorts are designed that way--") and him saying, yeah, we do talk about some of the costumes still, and then segueing into asking if I had plans for this year and what I was doing, and I said, maybe, I'm not sure if I want to tell you, and he said, Is it to do with us, and I said, Neither confirm nor deny, and he said, Well if it's not, then, I want to know, with kind of a 'duh' tone ahahaha because like true there would be no reason to be coy if it was nothing to do with E E at all, and I explained that like I kind of have to have two costumes ("of course you do."), WELL because y'know the E E ones don't really play to or land with the general populace (a very cheeky "No!") so I have, just, one that's for going to parties, and one that's for fucking around on the internet. He seemed to find that acceptable hahaha.

Anyway what I REALLY wanted with wearing the Supernormal shorts was a group pic of all five of us normal frontways, and then a group pic of all five of us facing backward/ass to the camera a la the picture of them outside the White House, where you could see the goof of my shorts but also all of their butts, but this was an ABSOLUTE DISASTER TO DO when it was so dark that phone cameras were taking everything long-exposure, and also they'd all had just enough beer to not really be following on what the bit was. Absolute shit results on the backwards pic because I couldn't, y'know, see to coordinate it, because I had my back turned. (Me yelling, "Not just MY butt, EVERYONE'S butts, come on!!" into the streets of Lawrenceville.) Utter failure. Didn't care. I love these fucking guys. The vibe was finally kind of winding down, closing-time energy, the guys still had to get on the bus to Boston right away even with tomorrow being their day off, it was a Boston day off and not a Pittsburgh day off where I could offer them free ice cream sadly, so they all sort of bowed sweetly out. Jon gave me his like, I Am Part Of The Band clearance ID badge from the venue, kind of out of nowhere, he was like "sorry this is all I have to give you, it's the least I could do," and I was like WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN ME SO M-- YOU COULD DO WAY LESS ??? but I guess now I have that, too. I tried to give him the King Of Oil sign from my fatberg costume, which I'd initially brought because I thought it would be a fun photo taking prop but the photo situation was the aforementioned disaster so that never really came to any fruition at all, so I was just going to gift it to them, and he said "My suitcase is already so full of so much random shit-- that you've given us--" and then right as he was leaving he just said "Thank you for being such a weirdo" with a voice full of all the kindness and affection in the world and I just yelled "ANY TIME!!" and then oh so tragically the night had to be over.

it's been nice, though, because I'm so used to driving the long drive home at the end of an adventure and having that signify the end, of getting to the end of the car ride and having nothing beyond that but the rest of my regular life; and this time, I drove all the way home, but when I got there, the adventure was still happening, right in my neighborhood, right down the street, and all I had to do was walk back home alone in the dark and climb into my own bed at the end of a long and beautiful night. i can already tell that this is going to be one of my most special memories basically forever, and now every time I drive or ride the bus to and from work each day I will be passing by the place where Everything Everything performed Leave The Engine Room for me, and that's so profoundly special that I don't even have words to describe it. I love this band, I love the people in it and I love the people its gravity pulls in to orbit around it, I'm just so goddamn happy. I don't even know what to say or how to end this.

#everything everything #e e #RDF US tour 2023 #this has been a post #jonathan fucking higgs.#god.#they all just like. referred to me plainly by my name a lot more than i was expecting in a way that was overwhelming #like to one another/other people and not just to me directly #i exist???? sounds fake #i will be thinking about this week for a hundred thousand years #my pliable head IS a walking hope thank you so much for NOTICING!!!!!!#pics to follow maybe on here but maybe just on twitter #where I am yes you guessed it @pliablehead if people want to lurk and see #ok fucking goodnight

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fountainpenguin · 5 months

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“'I'm doing this all for me!?' ... Dare say that about our love, and mister, I'll have to do away with you...” (x)

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... 7 years ago, I put this chapter preview image in my queue and it's been there ever since. It's this plot point that the entire 130 Prompts project was built around.

We've made it.

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New 130 Reasons Why I'm Fairy Trash update today!

Fairly OddParents || One-Shot - “Grudge”

Read on FFN || Read on AO3

Find more Purple Train story arc HERE

End Arc 2

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Happy Peppy Gary (the teenage boy who used to rule the world) and Denzel Crocker (the school teacher who's spent years fighting to do the same) finally meet for a business proposition. It is raining.

... Where is the portal to Fairy World?

(First 1000 words under the cut)

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21. Grudge

Saturday July 13th, 2002

Year of Leaves; Summer of the Last Berry

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5 minutes after signing the Learnatorium off to Ed Leadly…

Passing by Dimmsdale Elementary leaves him feeling… giddy. Gary clutches his backpack by the shoulder straps, taking in the sight of empty swings squeaking in the wind. They stand like giraffes drinking from the savannah watering hole near the lonely see-saws and jungle gym. It's empty here. Dreary and chilly in the wind, even for a summer evening. And, like… There is something wild, beautiful, and free in witnessing this little slip between horror and peace. It's like peeling back a corner of yellow wallpaper to reveal life and color on the other side..

These days, Gary rarely has a reason to walk by the school. His apartment's in the other direction, closer to the downtown area (Right next to Alden Bitterroot's well). But there was once a time he walked to school five days a week, and five days back the other direction (unless Mr. Sanderson in a rare show of mercy pinged them safely home).

Years ago, back when he was only ten, he used to play on this same old equipment. The school has upgraded to a new slide (with a playful rock wall), but everything still feels so familiar. He could probably run across the playground with his eyes squeezed shut and still manage to run up every step and dive down every slide. And, you know… he'd probably scrape himself up on the woodchips if he did that, but for just two or three fleeting seconds, it might be fun.

Mmm… No. He's having second thoughts about the woodchips. He'd rather have squishy rubber underfoot (or even just grass). Woodchips can pierce skin. They aren't safe. And they're not all that wheelchair-friendly either, which no one in this town seems to think about as much as he and Betty do. There's a reason he applied for a part-time job at the Learnatorium instead of volunteering at the school.

Well. A few reasons. But the illusion of choice lifts his spirits on some of his worse days.

Gary lingers at the edge of a crosswalk. It's gray, gray, gray this afternoon. Not rainy, but threateningly close. The clouds leer downward, erasing shadows from the sidewalk. Gary rocks from heels to toes and back again, waiting for the red hand firm and staring back from him to turn into a welcoming white Cross signal. Does the little glowing figure who lives inside the signal box ever feel like he's drifting through a void? Marching endlessly, stopping often, and never advancing where he'd like to go?

It's Saturday. 7 pm. There aren't many cars out on the weekend, especially since not a lot of people have a reason to stray near the elementary school in the summer. Including him, which is why he walked right past it. Sentimental he may be, but the man he's searching for only works at the school… He won't be there today.

Cars roll past, their tires slick and firm against the street. Gary presses the signal button twice (in case the first push doesn't take) and stares at his reflection in the mounted mirror on the crossing post. It's a big, round mirror, likely put there to help drivers see around the corners, so it's probably unsafe of him to stand directly in front of it, but… in that moment, Gary realizes he doesn't know how long it's been since he last looked himself over in a mirror. Properly, anyway. He doesn't need to very often. The short spikes in his hair don't require much attention (especially because he usually wears a hat). Thanks to his mild genie powers (probably? Maybe? Unclear), he's never had to deal with acne. Every now and then he adds a little eyeliner to his look, but it really depends on the day.

It's… it's been a few months since the last time he did. That stuff runs when you cry. It would give his thoughts away.

Still, Gary grimaces at the face staring back at him now. How long has he looked like a zombie in the mirror? Heavy circles cling beneath his eyes. Is that how Ed Leadly saw him when he came in today? No one he'd believe had authority; no one to take too seriously? (Actually, this adds up. Gary spent last night sleeping on the Learnatorium couch.)

The white walking figure on the crossroad sign blinks on.

I've really grown up. Did I really use to cross this busy street without adult supervision when I was a kid?

Thunder sneers overhead, though the lightning's yet to show its face. Gary keeps his thumbs in the backpack straps. He didn't need to check the address in a phone book. Everyone knows where to find 4158 Woodnick Lane. It's outlived just about everyone in Dimmsdale. It maybe always will.

Gary's halfway there when raindrops start plinking down. They sizzle on his hands. He glances up. Then, yanking the backpack over his head, he breaks into a run. Burn the witch, he thinks snidely, and immediately feels a swell of guilt. Betty, before she lost her memories, always was good at brushing off his self-deprecating thoughts. He brings up the old mantras, playing them through his head as his shoes smack the sidewalk and cars chug, their windshield wipers flinging droplets his direction.

"If you wouldn't say it to a sad child's face, don't say it to yourself."

The rain leaves bubbly welts across his hands. Gary huffs, sprinting for all he's worth, and leaps on a big cement planter just to avoid the gutter spray splash from a car rolling by. His skin throbs, hands thrusting their weird mix of human and genie cells into repairing what damage the water did. Over and over, again and again… one scalding patch of skin at a time. And it looks good as new, until it touches water again.

[Cnt’d - FFN and AO3 links at top]

#Fairly OddParents #FOP #Denzel Crocker #Happy Peppy Gary #Gary and Betty #Big Crock #ridwriting #130 Prompts #fic announcement #apparently art #We're Pixies!#FAIRIES!

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thinkingishard · 1 year

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<< First Page || < Previous Page

Blossomvale is based on my playthrough of M. Kirin’s TTRPG ‘Iron Valley’ (which is pay-what-you-want!: https://mkirin.itch.io/iron-valley) This is the last page of Spring 1! I'm actually writing this post days in advance. We're about to go on holiday so I'm trying to queue up as much as possible for you guys. What is next?

Some exclusive content for my Patrons: Including a version of the Blossomvale Town Centre map with the houses marked up, and some behind-the-scenes for Spring 2.

Holiday sketches/photos (subject to change): I'm hoping to be able to fit in a sketchbook on my holiday, and will be releasing sketches exclusively or early to Patreon depending on how I feel for the day! I am visiting family and friends though, so will have to play this by ear.

Spring 2: I'll be back to work on my return from holiday, and hopefully have these comic pages out to you soon! As before, pages will be released a day early on Patreon, then posted to Tumblr.

My lowest tier on Patreon is £1 (though there are benefits for those who sign up for higher pledges!), if you enjoyed Blossomvale, consider supporting me on there?

Hope you enjoyed my return to comics!

If you did, share it with your friends!

[Image ID: a comic drawn in a cute, cartoony style.

This page shows three phone screens similar to the very first panel of the first page - they are profiles on BLOSSOMVALE COMMUNITY. Some text above the three phones reads 'Blossomvale - Spring, day 1, year 1, end' Phone 1: Profile for Mo, a brown bear. His profile picture shows him in a pink shirt, looking off to the right. It shows his name (Mo). It shows his pronouns as He/Him. It has a little leaf and '25' indicating that his birthday is Autumn 25. He has left his profile information mostly blank, just writing '.'. Under a section titled 'I CAN HELP WITH', there are three icons with writing underneath - a paintbrush labelled 'ART', a pot labelled 'COOKING', and a pen and pad of paper labelled 'ADMIN'.

Phone 2: Profile for Bug, a pink axolotl. Her profile picture shows her facing slightly to the left, but looking at the camera. She is wearing the same beanie as earlier, but is wearing a plaid shirt. The rest of the profile shows her name (Bug). It shows her pronouns as She/Her. It has a little sun and '8' indicating that her birthday is Summer 8. Her profile section reads: "My favourite game at the moment is Shaping Venus, come play it with me at Cup Half Full!". Under a section titled 'I CAN HELP WITH', there are three icons with writing underneath - a cup labelled 'COFFEE', a little purple demon emoji with ears labelled 'PRANKS', and a jigsaw puzzle piece labelled 'PUZZLES'.

Phone 3: Profile for Elm, a golden brown and white hamster. Her profile picture shows her leaning on their elbows on a brown table while she holds up a coffee mug. They are wearing a purple t-shirt and there is greenery in the background. It shows their name (Elm). It shows her pronouns as She/They. It has a little green leaf and '14' indicating that their birthday is Spring 14. Her profile section reads: "IF YOU ARE SICK OF LUCK CO. RUINING EVERYTHING SIGN MY PETITION: blssm/shrt1". Under a section titled 'I CAN HELP WITH', there are three icons with writing underneath - a cup labelled 'COFFEE', a cake labelled 'BAKING', and a placard sign with an exclamation mark labelled 'ACTIVISM'.

End ID. ]

#comic #comics #blossomvale #laura renfrew #cute #cute comic #furry #furry comic #furry art #bear #stardew inspired comic #iron valley inspired comic #hamster #axolotl

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substituted-shinigami · 8 months

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We… We have a lotta fun here xD

Channel Update!!!

Hello Everyone!!! Despite the, uh…rather silly presentation, I really have been working super hard on some fanworks in the background, and now I’m proud to finally present to you the “We Can’t All Be Winners” Fall Season Schedule! Plus I've got some previews for you to boot!!!

Let’s take a look!

"We Can’t All Be Winners" Fall Season Schedule plus FAQ and Previews!!!

(this post is already kinda long, (and is about to get a lot longer) so I put the rest underneath a tag xD)

October

Oct. 7th - Tiger Robe (fanfiction, renruki & Ichigo, hurt/comfort)

Oct. 14th - Three Times I Dreamed of You (fanfiction, renruki, some angsty longing but also fluff)

Oct. 21st - Who is Ichigo? (Karakura Gang Comic!)

Oct. 28th - Night Scare, Morning Care (fanfiction, renruki, hurt/comfort)

November

Nov. 4th - Double Feature! Bleach Book Club - Letters From The Other Side (light novel overview) + Roommates Assemble (Rukia & Ichigo + Karakura Gang drabble + fanart)

Nov. 11th - Bubble Tea (fanfiction, renruki + Yoruichi, slice of life, fluff)

Nov. 18th - Peaceful Day, Peaceful Night (fanfiction, renruki, fluff)

Nov. 25th - Commercial Break - Pocket Renji (Comic/fake ad)

December

Dec. 2nd - Bloodlines - Learning to Breathe (L2B) Prologue & Ch. 1 (multi-chapter fic, renruki, hurt/comfort, some angst, some humor)

Dec. 9th - L2B Ch. 2

Dec. 16th - L2B Ch. 3

Dec. 23 - L2B Ch. 4

Dec. 30 - L2B Ch. 5 & Epilogue

And that’s it! Yeah, Ichigo wasn’t kidding, it really is mostly just RenRuki fanfiction, haha!😅 Now I'm sure you all have some questions like: Wait…What is this?! Why is this?! How is this?! When is this?! And Where is this?! And I'll do my best to answer them in the FAQ below!

FAQ

Wait…What is this?!?

“We Can’t All Be Winners” or “WCABW” started out as an anthology series of RenRuki one-shots I started back in January. It contains a handful of stories featuring Renji, Rukia and occasionally others, and puts them in different scenarios, some of them canon-compliant and some of them in alternate universes. Originally, I planned to write and post one story a month, but I quickly fell behind. So I took a break and reassessed and decided to try posting in “seasons” instead. So now it’s a season of weekly uploaded fanworks to be posted from October to December, and will feature a variety of Bleach related content such as fanfiction, fanart, fan comics, bleach light novel overview, and, when I’m able to write one, a multi-chapter fic. All the fanfiction will be available on both Tumblr and AO3, but the rest will only be available on Tumblr (sorry!). Once this season is completed, I will mark the AO3 work as “completed”, and if I can do this again next year, I will start a new one!

Why is this?

Like most people, I originally planned to create and post fanworks whenever I finished them. However, I eventually found keeping up with a social media account stressful. Something about it makes you feel like you need to post all the time, even when no one else is pushing you. So I thought, hey, why not have a season! That way I have a predetermined end goal AND I don't feel like I gotta post outside of it! Plus if I feel like I need to just step away for a break (which I will most likely be doing once the queue starts running), it won't affect it since everything is already queued! So yeah, that's the idea behind it.

How do you plan to post this on AO3? It doesn’t have a queue system!

Yeah, that is a problem. My current plan is to have a tab open for each story/chapter I need to post, and then will just press the button to post it on the day it’s due to come out (or within 24 hrs). This will probably mean that the Tumblr post will link back to the table of contents of WCABW on AO3 rather than the chapter itself, so I would like to apologize for that in advance. I’ll try to fix it whenever I am able, or at the latest, when I become socially active on Tumblr again.

When is this?

Every Saturday from October 7 to December 30th at 11 am EST here on Tumblr, and within 24 hrs (either before or after) on AO3 (I'll try to make it before, but life happens sometimes). Now obviously this is no real substitute for the Bleach anime, not even close! But Saturdays were already a convenient day to post, so I thought, "Hey, why not?!" And just pushed the joke all the way!!!

Where is this?

Right here on Tumblr and on AO3 (links provided). On AO3, the one-shots will be posted under the We Can’t All Be Winners anthology series of one-shots that's already on there (if you haven't seen it yet, why not check it out? It already has some of my other one-shots on there!) The multi-chapter fic will have its own posting.

I have some questions/comments/concerns!

No problem! My ask box is always open! Now to be honest, I will be on break starting in early October, but I'll answer any I don’t see before then when I am able/get back! Also, if you are a part of the RenRuki discord, I may be checking in there from time to time even while on break.

And that’s it! Thank you all so much for reading this needlessly long and very silly announcement for Bleach fanworks of all things! To thank you for making it to the end, I added some previews for some of the upcoming works!! I hope you all enjoy!!! xD

PREVIEWS!!!

(Note: works are subject to minor changes)

Three Times I Dreamed of You

Chapter Summary: Nightmares are always terrible. But they are made even worse when you aren’t even able to talk to the person that they are about. (RenRuki, some angsty longing but also fluff)

"Rukia!"

Renji awoke with a start, sweat dripping down his brow. He whipped his head around wildly, as he mopped off his forehead with his sleeve. He was alone, utterly alone. Quickly he reached out with his spiritual pressure to feel hers, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. Finally, he found her, a tiny cold gust on a frigid winter night. It felt so impossibly far away, but… it was enough. Renji left the Eleventh Division barrack's dorm and climbed on top of the roof to feel it better.

******************************************

Tiger Robe

Chapter Summary: While shopping with Ichigo in the World of the Living, Rukia finds a tiger print robe that reminds her of someone from her past. (renruki & Ichigo, hurt/comfort, Starts out in the Soul Society Arc, but then jumps around a couple of times)

“Okay, we're here,” Kurosaki Ichigo began as they entered the clothing store, “The women’s section is in the back. If you need clothes, I don’t mind buying you a set or two, so can you just please stop stealing Yuzu’s?!? She’s starting to get suspicious…” But Rukia wasn't listening to him. Instead, she was looking around the store, completely enthralled.

“Woah! This is incredible!” Rukia replied with wonder, as her wide eyes flitted from one brightly colored clothing display to the next, “And you can afford such garments on your allowance alone?” Ichigo raised an eyebrow at her in response.

“Yeah…? It’s just a cheap department store, Rukia.”

“Incredible…” she muttered to herself again as she continued to look around the huge, lively store with a mixture of awe and nervousness. Several people passed them by, chatting as they filed in or out of the entrance, and loud music played on the speakers overhead.

This is nothing like the open markets that sold only rags in Inuzuri, she thought, And once I got adopted by the Kuchiki Clan, the tailors came to me. I don’t think I’ve been to anything even resembling a regular clothing store since the Academy. There is too much choice! What should I…?

Rukia could feel Ichigo’s concerned eyes on the back of her neck. Quickly, she stood up straighter, and turned towards him.

“You said, I could get whatever I wanted, right?!” she asked with a devilish grin. Ichigo sighed heavily as if he was immediately regretting both this decision and his entire existence. He scratched the back of his head.

“Within reason! I’m not rich, you know," he scowled, "You can get one everyday outfit and one sleepwear, that’s it!” With that, he set off across the store.

“Ah! You're so stingy, Ichigo!” Rukia teased as she followed after him.

“Keep talking smack, and I’ll make you shop in the children’s section!”

“I might anyway,” Rukia mused, as they passed by a pair of child’s pajamas with bunnies on them, “children’s clothes have nicer prints.”

“Whatever,” Ichigo replied, “Wear what you want when you sleep, but when you are out and about, try to wear typical 'teen clothes'. Otherwise people might get the wrong idea when we are walking together.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rukia dismissed with a wave of her hand. As they continued walking along on their way to the back of the store, passing from the children's section into the men's, Rukia’s eyes were caught by a brightly colored robe. Turning towards it, she felt taken aback when she beheld the largest, tackiest tiger print bathrobe she had ever seen. Suddenly, she felt like she was thrown back over forty years…

******************************************

Bubble Tea

Chapter Summary: Relaxing is difficult when you are so used to fighting. Now that the Winter War is over, Rukia and Renji shoot the breeze and talk about the future. (renruki + Yoruichi, slice of life, fluff, During the Fullbringer Arc timeskip)

“Hmmm… Getting to know you without the fangs of death constantly nipping at our heels feels…weird,” Rukia commented suddenly, and a little too casually, one day as she sipped her bubble tea. Renji coughed in surprise. That or he got another tapioca pearl stuck in his throat, Rukia wasn't too sure.

“H-Huh?!" he spluttered, after he had finally begun to recover.

"Well, think about it," Rukia continued, as she settled her cup down beside her upon the park bench. She began to list things off on her fingers, “First it was surviving in Rukongai, then Aizen's betrayal, and then the Winter War. Whenever we were together it felt like our lives were in constant mortal danger. That it was us against the world. But now…now there’s no real threat.”

"Oh yeah…" Renji agreed, looking up to the sky in thought, "I guess, you're right…huh."

“Yeah," Rukia went on as she picked up her cup again, "The only other time it was seemingly this peaceful was when we were separated."

At that, Renji was silent for a moment, before asking quietly, "Kind of makes you wonder whether or not we're cursed, huh?" Rukia turned to look up at him, but Renji continued to stare up at the sky.

"If we are cursed," she began slowly, "then whoever made it, absolutely sucks at making curses," Renji quirked an eyebrow at her as she turned back towards her tea, "Curses are meant to make you the most miserable, but despite the dangers, I'm always more miserable when we're apart." Renji stared at her wide-eyed as she went back to sipping her tea.

******************************************

Learning to Breathe

Story Summary: Turns out purple eyes and short stature aren’t the only things that run in Hisana’s family, illness does as well. As Rukia and Renji try to help each other navigate through this new storm in their lives, will they remember to take time to breathe? (multi-chapter fic, renruki, hurt/comfort, some angst, some humor, Post TYBW, Rukia gets the same disease that killed Hisana. (Bloodlines AU))

Here’s a scene from chapter 1:

I faced an execution. I faced an espada's blade. I even faced a man who could literally murder me with fear. And yet, tiny medical needles are too much for me? You are utterly ridiculous, Kuchiki Rukia… Rukia thought glumly to herself, as she laid in bed one chilly morning before yet another doctor’s appointment. She began chuckling wryly, I've heard the pen is mightier than the sword, but I think the medical needle might be mightier still.

Rukia stared up at her bedroom ceiling, the sound of the room's clock ticking loudly in her ears. She'd been laying there for hours as sleep frustratingly eluded her. Sighing, she tried rolling over and closing her eyes again, but she couldn't shut out the anxious thoughts that plagued her mind.

I really hope today’s tests don’t have them. If I can’t get through these appointments without stressing out everytime I see one, then I’ll never convince him that he can rest, because I’ll be okay. That it will all be okay in the end. Hopefully…

Suddenly, Rukia’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the alarm on her soul pager going off. Again. Rukia’s hand shot out, flipped the infernal device open, and managed to press the snooze button for the third time that morning without even looking at it. She went back to staring up at the ceiling.

Guess I better get up now, huh? Can't keep putting it off, after all… My friends, my brother, and…Renji… they’re all so worried about me, so I can’t… I can’t be weak… I must be strong for them.

Rukia sighed, her stomach already all up in knots. Taking a deep breath to center herself, she forced herself to sit up. As she looked out her bedroom window towards the sky, she saw that it was pitch-black, that even the stars were blocked out by clouds.

Hmmm… Looks like a storm is rolling in too… Figures…

Rukia slowly pushed off her blankets and got up to search for her clothes. She thought about just wearing her black shinigami uniform, but she already knew neither her third seat nor her escort were going to let her go back to work this afternoon. Speaking of her escort…

Rukia left her room, a neatly folded dark blue kimono tucked underneath her arm, and approached the door of the guest room next to hers. She lifted her hand to knock, but paused.

I could just leave without waking him… she thought briefly, Let him sleep in. Gods know he needs it. That way, when I make it through the appointment on my own, he’ll see he has nothing to worry about! But she quickly shook herself. No! No, I don’t do that anymore! I don’t just run away... I talk about it. We talk about it. And even if we can’t figure it out, we still do even that together. Rukia took a deep breath, glared resolutely at the door, and knocked.

“Oi, Renji, you awake in there?” She heard what sounded like a groan to the affirmative. “Okay, just so you know, we’ve got to leave in an hour.”

“Mhmm… Yup. I got you,” he responded groggily. This was soon followed by the sound of very fast shuffling, a very loud bang, an almost as loud curse, and then more shuffling. Rukia raised an amused eyebrow at that.

“You good in there? All your limbs still present and accounted for?”

“Ha ha. Very funny. And yes, I’m fine. Thanks so much for your concern.”

“Of course!” Rukia smirked. However, the heavy feeling inside her soon dragged the corners of her lips back down. She took another deep breath. Here we go… "Oi, Renji…" she began quietly, "If you are too tired, it's okay, y'know? It's like I said before, it’s basically just a long doctor's appointment. I'll…I’ll be okay going by myself."

At that, Rukia heard the stomping sound of footsteps coming rapidly towards her, followed by the shoji door immediately sliding open with a sharp bang. Renji looked rather frazzled, with his sleeping robe half hanging off of his shoulder and his hair loosely pulled into a messy braid. He also looked rather cute…at least until he started shouting.

“WHAT? NO! OF COURSE I'M COMING WITH YOU, IDIOT!”

“QUIET, RENJI! ARE YOU TRYING TO WAKE UP THE ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD WITH YOUR RACKET?!?”

"You are way louder than me!" Renji replied in his terrible attempt at a whisper, "In any case, don't try to change the subject like that. You are downplaying it again, I know it. They are running medical tests today too, and I know those tend to make you nervous.” He managed to actually say that last part quietly. Then he smiled at her, “We're in this together, ya?" His lips might have been smiling, but Rukia saw his eyes. He was exhausted. She felt her heart lurch into her throat.

"Ya, well…don't go overdoing it, okay?" Rukia told him firmly as she fixed his robe for him, but her fingers lingered on his shoulder. Renji placed his hand over hers.

"Hmph… As if I could ever do too much for you… I'm fine, Rukia, really. Go get changed."

"Okay…" she murmured quietly, looking down. However, her face must have betrayed her troubled thoughts, because when she tried to remove her hand from his shoulder, Renji held it firm. She looked back up at him and he tilted his head down closer to hers.

"I love you~" he whispered to her in a cheeky sing-song voice with that toothy grin of his. He was clearly trying to lighten the mood, to make her smile or push him off and call him a dork, but instead Rukia felt her heart, already firmly lodged in her throat, leap even higher into her mouth.

“I know…” she barely got out, “I know Renji, but…”

“Uh uh. No ‘buts’, Ru. Go ahead and take your bath. I’ll see you in an hour, alright?” He winked and let go of her hand as he cheerfully went back into the guest room, closing the door behind him.

Rukia, on the other hand, just stood there, staring at the floor.

************************************************************************

And that's it for the previews! If you somehow made it all the way to the end, thanks so much for reading! The "We Can't All Be Winners" Fall Season starts next week! Hope to see you there!

#renruki #renruki fanworks incoming!!!#and some other characters too sometimes xD #hold on tight y'all #you're about to go on a bumpy and very fanfic-y ride!#Sorry to subject you all to this #but I gotta post my madness somewhere!!!

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blazehedgehog · 8 months

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Feeling weirdly psychic today

youtube

Way back in 2021, I was taking care of my Mom during what we'll simply refer to as "a very stressful time" and leave it at that. During this period, the only computer I had access to was a 12 year old Dell business laptop (a Latitude E6410), so, in order to preserve my own sanity, I started a new Youtube channel for the MIDIs I like to play around with, and queued up two full years of Monday/Wednesday/Friday posts in advance. (I considered it an experiment in whether or not regular uploads gained you better placement in Youtube's algorithm)

Hitting the Final Fantasy VII PC MIDIs I reworked/remastered means we're actually nearing the end of the queue. They just started posting today, starting here, at the beginning of the album, with FF7's rendition of the iconic Final Fantasy prelude.

And today, on that same day, Square-Enix put up the store page for Final Fantasy VII Ever Crisis, intended to be a more direct remake of the PS1 version of Final Fantasy VII, in order to hopefully help contextualize the big-budget remake they released on the PS4 (and soon to be PS5). And it, too, is chock full of remasters of classic Final Fantasy VII music.

youtube

And the confluence of me picking this date at random 21 months ago and the fact Square-Enix dropped a huge mobile game on the same day is kind of weird to me. The world moves in such strange ways, sometimes.

#music #remastered #videogame music #final fantasy #ever crisis #MIDI #Youtube

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ckmstudies · 1 year

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I posted 2,518 times in 2022

That's 2,518 more posts than 2021!

127 posts created (5%)

2,391 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@gushuwa

@frenchiepal

@wecandoit

@notetaeker

@a-students-lifebuoy

I tagged 2,402 of my posts in 2022

Only 5% of my posts had no tags

#queue up - 2,082 posts

#study - 109 posts

#mine - 107 posts

#study motivation - 106 posts

#studyblr - 106 posts

#heydilli - 106 posts

#study inspiration - 104 posts

#college - 104 posts

#studying - 100 posts

#student - 98 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#now all i have left to do is write my psych paper and make the final presentation then film myself giving the presentation and turn it in

My Top Posts in 2022:

47/100

I know that if I start studying for Latin earlier in the week I would do better but we just move so fast that by the time I've learned something we've moved on. Today our quiz was on a video she emailed us on Wednesday night. I'm pretty sure I made a B but there's just no time to study for something like that that quickly.

Looking forward to the weekend but not looking forward to exams next week.

273 notes - Posted November 4, 2022

Day 16/100

Made it to the coffee shop! I got a cold brew and a yogurt parfait and then got in over two hours of accounting work! After the coffee shop, I went and ran errands, watched two episodes of Russian Doll and two episodes of Criminal Minds, and ended the day by going to my college's football game. Sadly we lost by three but I enjoyed watching the game and getting to hang out with my friends :)

277 notes - Posted September 11, 2022

24/100

I don't know if it's because I had two coffees today or if it's because I'm sick but I have been so dizzy all day. I hope I'm over this sickness soon. The good news is that my throat no longer hurts!!

Today I had social psychology and advanced accounting. In accounting I got my exam from last week back and ended up making a 102! It was the 2nd highest score in the class so I'm pretty darn happy about that. Tomorrow I have a Latin exam and so I went to a Latin study session and then obsessively wrote every possible way to write a noun or a verb over and over again for two hours in the hopes of having it memorized by tomorrow. Luckily going to the study session means I'll get five bonus points on the exam which gives me some wiggle room to make mistakes.

Here's another shot of my school's library. I love taking pictures of the library especially since my room and desk are a mess and I don't have the motivation to clean it lol. Maybe later this week I'll get it cleaned up. Hope everyone is having a good week so far!!

345 notes - Posted September 21, 2022

51/100

Back in the library! I could not focus or stay awake while trying to study for my developmental psych exam tomorrow. So I called it quits after about an hour and decided I’d go to bed early and wake up early tomorrow. But we’ll see if that actually happens haha.

It’s officially cold. Last week we had highs of 85°F/29°C and now it’s 33°F/0°C and that’s just too drastically different. To the library tonight I wore sweat pants over my leggings as well as a tee shirt, a sweat shirt, and a jacket. If I had a hat I’d put that on too but alas. At least I’ll get to wear a sweater tomorrow!

Good luck to everyone this upcoming week :)

551 notes - Posted November 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

08/100

Another productive day! I went to the gym this morning for a light workout, went to both my classes, studied in the campus library for almost two hours, and then went to dinner with friends. I'm currently watching an episode of "The Sandman" and then it'll be back to studying. So overall, a very pleasant day!

826 notes - Posted August 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #A very studious year lol

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tickly-trashcan · 2 years

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GAH sorry i’ve been super absent from tumblr lately T_T queue has been saving my butt! I’ve been finishing up tickletober and working on the 1k event prompts and I just wanted to catch everyone up! (I’ll also be reblogging stuff after october so prepare for like... an onslaught of content LOL)

I have a few of the 1k event prompts done, and I’ve decided to just try and do fics for all the prompts bc I got like.. 14 lol. I said I would try and post some last week but I decided to just wait until november rolls around and I’ll start posting them then. Sorry for the wait! If I’m productive enough they will hopefully all be posted by the end of that month!!

My queue is almost full of tickletober, I only have... 4 more days left to do? I think... Either way, I’m hoping to do every day this year! In November I’m also planning on trying to do NaNoWriMo again, so I apologize in advance if I suddenly become inactive and rely on queue! Anyways this update is getting too long orz so I’m gonna cut it there and get back to writing hehe! Have a good day/night everyone!!

#update #also if anyone has suggestions for nano ideas T_T #i might just do a fic tbh #bc my story isnt coming together #i might make a different post with my ideas in a bit #anyways

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islandpcosjourney · 1 year

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Anger

2.3.23

Infertility has many different hats. Today’s one is Anger. It relates to the never-ending timeline of our entire journey. It struck me today when a friend said it had been a “journey” to the birth of their child, that each one of us has a different definition for that word and a story to tell. I posted a picture on my Facebook timeline the other day depicting how some people have the fortunate reality of the direct route to becoming parents. In my head it’s a bit like the simplicity of picking up a takeaway when others have to cultivate the land, sow the seeds, growing the food themselves with all the fertilisers etc to make the same food, cooked at home as a “fakeaway” from scratch. For some couples, conceiving after 6 months of trying feels like a miracle, others it might be a year or 18 months. I used to feel envious of those couples & annoyed that they thought they could identify with us on a level footing but now I just feel thankful that they hadn’t had to endure longer than they did because I wouldn’t wish the dread of years of disappointment on anyone. Infertility should be an issue of the past what with the state of medical advances nowadays. OR, are all the “medical advances” contributing to our fertility troubles? Food for thought maybe…..

Our timeline is exhausting and it always makes me feel very angry when I think about it. Some aspects if I had my time over, I would change, others I wouldn’t.

Our timeline

2011 - diagnosed with PCOS 1 month before I was with Kevin, before I’d ever considered/acknowledged the fact that some people can have problems conceiving. I never thought I’d be that person, I always “knew” I’d be a Mum (I say “knew” because I refuse to believe that I won’t be one day). I just thought it was as simple as meeting the right guy, getting married and having a child a year later 🤷🏻‍♀️ Perhaps naïve of me but that whole tradition of keeping the top tier of one’s wedding cake for the baptism a year later, that was something I grew up being aware of and never thinking it would be anything otherwise.

2012 - told by an endocrinologist (specialist in hormones) I’d never lose weight or conceive so don’t bother trying - never saw him ever again! But also this consultant took me off all meds for 3 months so he could get his own “baseline” results & during those 3 months, I had 3 menstrual cycles. I remember Kevin being particularly excited about it all because it proved there was hope. As far as we were concerned, the only aspect potentially against us in future was my lack of cycle so having 3 in 3 months was perfect & why were we to think otherwise that years later my body would behave any differently after coming off my meds? In fact we now know that PCOS can be treated in the short-term by going on the pill, which resets the hormones. I had been on it 6 months at that point, so that proved that point, in hindsight. Longer term use was unknown to us.

2013 - condition kept “under control” with medications which led to more and more meds to keep various side effects as a consequence of said meds “under control”, therefore making the whole situation “out of control”. Found an endocrinologist I trusted (because I thought that being on all these meds were helping me!) Was told that as soon as I wanted to start trying for children, the help would be there for me, straight away, like jumping the queue as I had a pre-existing condition.

2014 - moved back to Scotland therefore leaving that consultant, came off all meds as I had become disenchanted with the whole situation, wanted a fresh start, went cold turkey to try to gain the control back. No consultant to advise me, no access to any help because technically in Scotland I was undiagnosed as my diagnosis happened in England and the two trusts don’t “talk” to each other yet no GP wanted to re-diagnose me as we weren’t TTC yet anyway - living in no-man’s-land. I was denied a referral to an endocrinologist to keep my PCOS under control. PCOS support without the fertility aspect was a non starter.

2015 - clear I wasn’t gaining control so I went back on some of the basic ones like the pill, keeping those symptoms under control like reinstating a regular period (a GP can prescribe that, no questions asked). Again, no specialist advice being allowed access to as I wasn’t trying for a baby at that point. Nobody listened to me wanting to prepare my body for when we’d be starting to try for a family the following year as soon as we were married!

2016 - started TTC but no cycles. After 6 months coming off the pill, I sought a referral from my GP as I was under the impression, having been previously told in England that my condition gave me a right to fertility help straight away. Was told I’d have to join the Gyne queue like anyone else and then the famous phrase was first said to me “BUT YOU’LL BE PREGNANT BEFORE THAT REFERRAL COMES THROUGH ANYWAY, MOST COUPLES ARE”. I believed him 🤷🏻‍♀️ Despite being told previously that I’d need help to conceive & despite having no menstrual cycles I believed him. After-all he was a medical professional so surely he was trustworthy. How stupid of me. No menstrual cycle = no chance, I knew that but I believed in a miracle.

2017 - see Gynecologist, re-diagnosed with PCOS (same tests repeated as in 2011, what a waste of resources) yes told we’d need help due to both of our test results being “under par” (shock news to us, why would we ever have considered male-factor infertility?! We just thought the issue would be me), confirmed I’m not ovulating but wouldn’t do anything drastic until we’d jumped through some hoops - lose a bit of weight, take some fertility meds to try to stimulate hormones - great! I lost weight but the meds didn’t work, at all. Discharged to lose more weight before she’d consider surgery (Ovarian drilling). Nothing advised for Kevin. Was told only thing that can be done for men is IUI, ICSI, IVF. Lets exhaust all options on me first coz of course, poking & prodding the woman is totally ok 🤨

2018 - Dad died, everything else important in life forgotten about. No cycle that year.

2019 - No cycle this year either. Came to conclusion it wouldn’t happen for us so started to think about Adoption, made the enquiries, started the process.

2020 - No cycle this year, until Boxing Day (so 1 month short of a 3 year drought) BUT had changed my lifestyle drastically half way through the year so figured I’d be able to visit the Gynecologist again one day. Stopped adoption process as suddenly there was hope again! Menstrual cycle = a chance!

December 2021 - finally lost all the weight she’d stipulated when she’d discharged me in 2017 so asked for re-referral to Gyne. Once we got to see her, she claimed everything still in same situ as before (despite weight loss!) ie. we’d need IVF due to both of our test results. First I had to have surgery before referral but there was nothing she could do surgery-wise at that point due to covid-related restrictions. Left us to try naturally for 6 months as my hormone panel results were actually ok compared with before & I now had the Ovusense monitor which was confirming that I’d ovulated 3 times so far, so she thought we still had a good chance, even though my husband’s results were worse, she then said that stupid phrase BUT I’LL SEE YOU BEFORE THEN ANYWAY AS YOU’LL BE PREGNANT 🥺 this time, it really grated on me as not only had I heard that before, but it had been 5 years since I had........ 🤷🏻‍♀️ The medical profession really need to consider their “bedside manner” in all situations as that is such a triggering phrase & although they say that “most couples get pregnant within 6 months to a year”, it is wrong to assume that ALL couples do, because SOME don’t EVER and that is a medical fact.

June 2022 - not pregnant 🤷🏻‍♀️ what a surprise, NOT! although in the meantime a friend had said to me (in relation to that stupid phrase) that I had to keep the faith and yes it would happen and yes I’d be seeing her within the 6 months. Well, while that is very positive thinking and while I do still keep the faith and have hope, by the end of those 6 months I had proved them both wrong and it made me feel like I’d failed therefore feeling worse, not better so is it good to be so positive all of the time? Best to be realistic. Was expecting this appointment to be all about being referred to IVF now that I still wasn’t pregnant but I had put on a few pounds since I’d had surgery for a lipoma removal a few weeks before and she took this to mean that I wasn’t “consistent” with my weight-loss (despite me having maintained my weight for 6 months before the surgery!) so denied our request for IVF AND said she wouldn’t perform the laparoscopic surgery on me to check my tubes etc until I’d lost a further 10kg - talk about jumping through hoops for this lady! It was only a few pounds I’d gained, temporarily through bloating, and I’d lost 5 stone overall. She seemed to be wanting nothing left of me. She didn’t accept that eating 4 times a day for a fortnight in order to take strong painkillers was any kind of excuse 🤷🏻‍♀️ She also denied the fact that I was ovulating! I had to remind her about Ovusense, but she said it wasn’t scientifically/medically proving that I was ovulating on my medical notes therefore she was still insisting that I wasn’t 😳 Can’t please this woman! So, she suggested that I get my progesterone level checked on Day 21 each cycle, something which I was apparently entitled to do this whole time, she just hadn’t said 😵

September 2022 - I’m back seeing her, 13kgs (25lbs) lighter so finally she agrees to send our referral letter to Ninewells for the Assisted Conception Unit and books me in for surgery in October (remember back in Dec 21 she claimed she couldn’t refer me UNTIL I’d had the surgery? 🤨). Ignored my August blood test PROVING that I’m ovulating on my own.

October 2022 - Laparoscopy & dye test performed under General Anaesthetic. Finds nothing wrong with me, practically no evidence of PCOS (a mild case at best, whereas when diagnosed, both times, I was an extreme case), definitely no endometriosis (although she’d never before suggested I did) and although the dye went through my tubes she said it flowed slower to begin with, so perhaps they might have been slightly blocked initially but by flushing them out she’s increased our chances of conceiving naturally and I’ll be statistically the most fertile I’ve ever been over the next 3 months. Great news! Still, her parting comment is that I don’t ovulate, to which I stop her in her track and insist that both August & September’s results show that I am...... She hasn’t bothered to check them........ At least I know that I am even if she doesn’t care!

Present day 2023 - Having regular 31 day cycles (on average), ovulating EVERY SINGLE TIME, naturally, of my own doing, due to eating nutritionally better & taking natural supplements (which cost a pretty penny 🫣). Last time I was this regular was as a teenager when my Mum kept a track of them on her calendar. Once I left for college age 18, I felt lucky I was only having 2 or 3 a year because my cycles were debilitating and really who wants to be “out of action” once a month when they felt as bad as mine did. Now I am glad for that one day a month where I have to take it easy, maybe take a painkiller to calm the cramps, maybe feel a little fragile for a day. I had no idea when I was in my 20s how bad it was to not have one regularly. I didn’t know it increased your chances of Uterine Cancer. I then had no idea how bad it would be to be put on medications to regulate my cycle in the long term for 6 years before we got married and wanted to start a family. Now we’re over 6 years later and only now can I confidently say that my hormones are regulated but that's 15+ years since they were last “naturally” regulated. That’s a long time when I’m only 35 and my biological clock is ticking fast, especially saying as we can only access IVF on the NHS until we’re 40. Had a catch up recently with my very supportive GP as my gyne consultant is not seeing me again. Checked through my progesterone results which he claimed were very positive, confirmed we still had a chance naturally and then said KEEP UP THE PRACTICE BECAUSE STATISTICALLY MOST COUPLES CONCEIVE BEFORE THEIR FIRST IVF APPOINTMENT 🤦🏻‍♀️ seriously!! Are they all trained in how to deliver insensitive comments? I know he was trying to encourage, be positive but surely when you know someone has been 6.5 years TTC with no history of a positive pregnancy test, no chemical pregnancy, no miscarriage, no conception whatsoever even with apparently perfect test scores, the last thing you should be saying is that “statistically” I’m going to spontaneously, miraculously conceive a child now just coz our IVF appointment is imminent 😵‍💫 I want to believe miracles can happen but I’ve been believing for 6.5 years & it’s exhausting. How much longer can I live in a dream world?

April 2023 (the future) - our first appointment at the Assisted Conception Unit at Ninewells Hospital, Dundee. Who knows what the future will hold!

Anger

I’m angry.

Angry it’s taken me this long to sort out my condition.

Angry I got waylaid in the meantime, by BAD advice & by me being me.

Angry the only option out there to help PCOS is medications which actually don’t help you, they just try their best to mask your symptoms, while actually making your hormones fundamentally worse!

Angry that the NHS in Scotland (or maybe it’s specific to the Western Isles) doesn’t support PCOS maintenance. They’re only interested when you’re TTC, not beforehand when they should be trying to help you regulate your hormones to prepare your body. You wouldn’t try planting veg without cultivating the soil first 🤷🏻‍♀️

Angry that men and women are not treated equally when it comes to fertility.

Angry that the burden which was all on me with my diagnosis initially has now done a complete 180 and we’ve got a referral due to male-factor infertility now, therefore shifting the emotional burden onto my husband who hasn’t had the same time frame (nearly 12 years) to deal with his “grief” on this matter like I have.

Angry that in the 21st century, it’s still taboo or “really brave” to be talking about fertility issues or even simply to be talking about women's menstrual cycles whether they’re wanting children or not. We women go through a lot emotionally in a month and when anyone turns around to ask “what’s wrong with you?” when you’re simply moody because your hormones are making you crazy, it really makes you feel like you’re a monster rather than just simply a woman going through what most women go through each month. Get used to it, I am so pleased to have my crazy hormones back again, no matter how much they go up and down. They’re meant to, that’s what God designed them to do because each hormone has a purpose - he is the best architect in history.

Angry that it’s taken us 6.5 years to get to this stage when I was diagnosed nearly 12 years ago. Nothing I can do about it except to keep pushing on. Time is not on our side.

Angry that I still want a family despite every effort and attempt telling me it’s not happening.

Angry that I still hope every month with these hopes being dashed every time.

Angry that my faith tells me to just trust in God. I believe in him, I trust, but it is frustrating to be still praying over a matter years later and still having no baby. Does it mean he doesn’t want us to have a family? Does it mean he wants us to be older parents? Does it mean our journey is meant to mean something? Does it mean that we shouldn’t be allowing the scientists to try to help us? Or has he created that option for us, but why, when he appears to have healed me now? Does it mean that we should stop “trying” & give him full control? Are we wrong to want to try, to want to have a family?

Angry that I was diagnosed long before we ever got married, because I definitely think that knowing my diagnosis had a massive impact on how our marriage began, with a dark cloud looming over it. As a Christian couple, who believes that God blessed our marriage, I believe we were robbed of our chance to “see what happened”, to leave it in God’s hands and question nothing. Instead we had pre-existing anxiety which in turn breeds stress (internal & external), which is never any good for TTC. When you’re told you have a condition, of course you try your best to help it. You don’t stand back & do nothing. Part of me believes that when couples stop trying, whether after several failed rounds of IVF or after adopting, then they spontaneously conceive and have a surprise miracle baby and it’s majorly down to being relaxed coz they’re no longer thinking about it. I honestly wish I’d never known before. Ignorance is bliss.

I am angry that I can’t let go of trying to that extent in order to achieve the appropriate state of relaxation I believe is required. I know there are problems which need fixing. I can’t forget that, it’s not possible to delete it from my memory.

Anger is a justified feeling I allow myself to feel as it helps me to see & acknowledge that I am still normal. Or rather, that I have returned to “normality”. It doesn’t mean I have given up. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still try my best.

It does mean however that my life is in limbo and that is ultimately what I am most angry about. The constant waiting, planning for something to happen and it doesn’t. Angry isn’t an emotive enough word for what I feel really.

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mummybearmusing · 2 years

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MY LIFE, IN BITS AND PIECES, UPDATE IN THE LAST POST

I’m no longer with the father of my little boy.

I see him when his dad allowed it.

When it worked around his shift pattern.

The judge originally gave him residency of our son over his and his mothers “concerns” over my mental health and my lack of emotional attachment/bond with him.

Our judge ruled with NO evidence besides a cafcass section7 which stated i should get three months of counselling and after that i should be able to see our son more, in actual fact she said she expected him to move contact forward bit by bit until we were 50/50 co-parenting, that was the end game, and so was me having fully unsupervised contact with him..which she said she expected to happen by June 2018.

Erm.. No. Didn’t happen.

So I took it back with an application to vary, more on that in the last post.

He KNEW our judge said END GAME was 50/50 co-parenting.

BUT.. because his barrister wrote our order with IF mutually agreed and not AS it means he regularly made me wait 9 days to see our boy..

which is even more bedtime stories than normal I didn’t get to read him when he had two weekends off in a row.

He got, for almost two years, to choose when i can and cant see him where I could and couldn’t go/stay with him - because I had to ask his permission and if he said no then there was nothing I could do.

And no repercussions for him.

I even had to ask permission in advance if I wanted to go on a playdate with someone, again, if he said no, nothing I can do.

I’ve had my counselling, two rounds of CBT following a psychiatric evaluation done in February three years ago where I was discharged from even a full assessment back to the GP as I warranted no label, I met no emergency criteria and I wasn’t emotionally unstable..at all.

Never was a cause for concern in the eyes of medical professionals.

2018 - I have a solicitor now and have had an advocate since October last year.

He claims a year later I am STILL a rubbish neglectful parent, the reason I was investigated by social services following the preschool making a referral following him and his mum going in there for “quiet chats”

He claims he still fears for our son’s safety.

I’m allowed him alone inside my front door (his dad “allowed” this January this year) but only indoors..

on his say so I must be fully supervised out and about “in the community” as it was ruled his choice about when it was reduced..

he has been that rigid about that I’m not even allowed to take him for a walk around the block, or to the shop to grab a loaf of bread, or five minutes further to feed the ducks, nor have I been allowed to do any school pickups by myself, and I’ve only been allowed to drop him off twice the past school year..both times, he was with me too, but to be fair that was his first days at primary school and before we’d even split up we agreed we would take him and pick him up together.

I’ve not been allowed him week-nights overnight at all during school time so has to be back by 6,

7 if it’s a special occasion or if he has an after school club.

I know this one is on me, see when I wasn’t well I didn’t take him to preschool every day, because my head was so fuzzy and clouded I would regularly lose my bearings, or track of time, so “my schooling was erratic” however once I got well again I was downstairs every morning at half8 without fail to walk with them to the preschool, and I was regularly first in the queue when I picked him up from preschool, or when I dropped him off

(see I was allowed Tues-Thurs when it was his weekends to begin with..but he told me once he started school that wasn’t happening any more, he was true to his word the entire year)

I applied for our son’s first passport, being resident parent they had to send to him but he wont allow me to have it.

He has no legal right to say I can’t, but hey..he has.

I paid for it.

I applied AFTER checking I had the right to do so.

It’s been confirmed I have done nothing wrong.

My family have had to do everything for me for 18 months, take me everywhere and they’d slept on my sofa every weekend for a year..but my ex says he doesn’t trust any of them.

Coercive control is being able to tell me what i can and can’t do, where i can and can’t go/stay who i can and can’t see and when i can and can’t see our son..he has been given all the power..because our judge trusted he would do right by our son and by me as long as my mental health improved..

I don’t blame our judge for any of this. I think she had an inkling. She told me this was going to go slower than I wanted but told him it was going to go MUCH faster than he did.

Coercive control is him texting me/sending me whatsapp messages telling me off like I’m a naughty child who is damned if i do and damned if i don’t, who can’t get anything right and who gets everything wrong, just like he made me feel going back five years ago.

My mental health has been confirmed as stable since October 17, in actual fact since March ‘18 I have been on no medication and my counsellors discharge letter states my progress is indicative of a full medical recovery.

But he refuses to listen.

He’s seen all the medical proof..another thing his barrister fought to have.

His need to control what i do and what i choose to do with our child is concerning.

And its not i cant be with our child..its he hates to be without.

My heart is in a thousand pieces. I only feel happy when I’m with my child.

#MummaBearMusings

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goldenhypen · 3 years

Text

▸▸ family adventures — jake sim

— synopsis: your husband, jake, takes you and your daughter on vacation to gift you a break from work.

— genre: fluff, dad!au, husband!au, time skip!au // warnings: a mention of trying for a baby + a slight mention of shirtless jake // word count: 2.0k // requested

— author note: welcome to the second drabble of my jake bday set (reading the first one isn’t necessary)! i must admit, this def could’ve used a better title, but i ran out of ideas and this was the best i could come up with :/ also, after a few hours of me posting this from my queue, it’ll be jake’s bday, so happy jake day in advance! yay <3

nearly four years ago, you announced to your husband that you were pregnant. at the time, that was one of your and jake’s happiest moments, until about nine months later, when you were at the hospital, holding your baby girl in your arms as she rested on your chest, just minutes old.

seeing her and hearing her voice for the first time, that was the happiest moment of jake’s life, besides the day he married you, of course.

after being born in the midst of korea’s chilly winter, you two decided to name your newborn “eira,” meaning “snow.”

after having raised her for an exhausting, but most joy-filled three years, you two never really got a break. you recalled that the last time you actually took a vacation was while you were pregnant with eira. jake took you to his hometown to visit his parents so that they could see and congratulate you two in person.

you thought back to the wonderful memory, missing the feeling of travelling and exploring new places. you had been working many long hours almost every day for years now. jake watched as you would come home tired after work, week after week, and take care of eira, make her food, and do the best you could to spend time with the family.

part of being a mom was sacrifice, and jake always appreciated that about you. of course there were also sacrifices made on his end, and he always did his best to support you and help out so that you only had to do the bare minimum.

going through this time, there were some ups and downs in your and jake’s relationship, always coming home tired and more emotional than usual, especially recently. there were many arguments, but you two always worked them out in the end, and slowly, you were finding a healthy way to balance all the events in your life.

jake decided it was about time you got a break, and he planned a vacation for the three of you. at first, he was going to keep it a surprise, but his plan didn’t exactly go; being the honest person he was, he couldn’t keep such a significant event a secret from his wife.

when you found out from him where he was taking you, your eyes immediately lit up, “are you serious?! we’re going to fiji?!”

you weren’t sure if he was joking.

“where did you get this kind of money?” you asked, skeptical.

he laughed, “y/n, love, i know you’ve been wanting to get away, and we’ve saved up enough to go. don’t worry, i got this all planned and figured out already.”

he left a short kiss on your lips, causing your small pout to rise into a smile, unable to hide your growing excitement.

weeks later, you were boarding the plane to fiji and your daughter was crying in your husband’s arms as you three found your seats. this was a very contrasting scene to the one that was happening just minutes ago at the gate when eira was on jake’s lap, giggling to no end as he entertained her.

“why are you crying, baby?” jake asked with a soft voice, his eyes staring down intently into hers as she sat in his lap.

“i’m scared,” she expressed in between sobs.

she reached up to wipe her eyes, but jake got to it first, removing the tears on her soft, tiny cheeks with his thumbs.

“it’s okay, eira,” he brought her head towards his lips before leaving a kiss on her forehead. “taking off will be so smooth, you probably won’t even be able to tell we left the ground.”

but perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration, as eira’s cries only grew louder once the plane was in the air.

her ears were in agony. this was her first time flying, and this was something you and jake were scared of. it broke your heart watching as she cried, clutching her ears with her tiny fists as she sucked on a piece of her favourite candy that you gave her in attempts to soothe the suffering.

she was sitting in the chair between you and your husband, and after the pain subsided, she eventually fell asleep, her head leaning against your arm as soft breaths left her lips.

after a long and exhausting journey, you three finally arrived at your destination and got to the resort jake had booked, which happened to be one of those huts in a village on top of the bright, sparkling blue water.

this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you couldn’t believe you got to experience it yourself with your family.

you got to stay there for three days, and one of the first things you three did was go for a swim in a small, private beach by your resort.

eira enjoyed her time there playing with the sand, making castles and fun shapes, and her dad helped her by bringing her wet sand, and you helped by digging holes here and there.

during the time at the beach, because eira didn’t want to get into the water, you and jake got some time to yourself as you went swimming just meters away from your three-year-old, since you obviously couldn’t leave her completely alone.

laughs of thrill and excitement left your lips as your husband carried you bridal style, running into the water. once you two were deep enough in, he didn’t hesitate in submerging you completely, and as he did, squeals left your lips. you immediately popped your head out of the water and wiped your face with your hands, playfully glaring at jake before splashing him with water. this quickly escalated into a water fight, like two young kids having the time of their childhood.

it all eventually ended with jake grabbing you by the waist, holding your body securely in his arms and planting a loving kiss on your lips. your hands snaked up his bare shoulders and around his neck.

after a few seconds, you suddenly pulled back, remembering eira was still at the shore. your eyes landed on her and you let out a sigh of relief, seeing her there, still busy with building her tiny wonderland.

you turned your head back to your husband whose gaze shortly followed yours. you took a moment to admire his features before his lips pulled into that smile that you fell so deeply in love with. your eyes trailed down to his lips before leaning in for another kiss.

because you arrived in fiji in the morning, you were lucky to have the whole day ahead of you. unfortunately however, jet lag seemed to be against you three as you ended up taking a family nap with eira lying between you two, all of you falling immediately asleep after washing up.

after an hour or two, jake’s eyes fluttered open as they adjusted to the light that still filled the room. he took in his surroundings, realizing he woke up on the edge of the bed and eira took up most of his side. he wondered to himself how she migrated so far in such a short amount of time and smiled before leaving a soft kiss on her forehead.

he lifted his head up to check on you, and watched as you and eira breathed heavily, signifying that you were both still deeply asleep.

he was very careful to not wake either of you as he sat up quietly. he made his way over to your side of the bed and laid down beside you, immediately taking you in his arms. you stirred slightly before opening your eyes tiredly. jake noticed this and left a kiss on your head as you saw the three-year-old had taken up almost his whole side of the mattress. you adjusted your body and laid your head and hand on his chest. he held you close with his palm resting on the lower part of your back, rubbing small circles on the exposed skin under your shirt, falling asleep in each other’s arms within minutes.

before you knew it, it was already the next day, and you three were getting ready to go on an excursion out on the water later. you were already dressed, and jake was getting ready. it usually took him a good few minutes before he was ready to go, so while he was, you prepared a little surprise you had been planning for the last couple weeks.

you got eira and helped her change into an outfit you had bought her for this moment onward.

“shh, eira! you have to keep it down,” you laughed as eira couldn’t contain her giggles and squeals as she fiddled with her shirt.

suddenly her dad came out from the bathroom, all dressed and ready.

your back was facing jake as you hid eira from his view, and your eyes went wide, giving her a signal, telling her it’s time.

“ready to go?” he asked.

“not quite,” you answered, standing up. “there’s something we have to do first.”

he looked at you curiously before his eyes landed on what was printed on eira’s t-shirt, ‘big sister.’

he was immediately confused and you watched as his brows furrowed and his head tilted slightly to the side, a habit of his ever since you first met him. his initial thought was why you would buy her a shirt that didn’t even apply to her.

but then it hit him. and his eyes went wide faster than the blink of an eye. eira began laughing with joy.

he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out, and you smiled before he buried his face into his hands. you didn’t hesitate in walking over and taking him in your arms. he hugged you back tightly before making eye contact with eira, gesturing for her to come over and join you both, and she immediately came running. he separated from you, kneeling down to engulf his daughter in his arms.

you and jake had been trying for another baby for a little while after eira brought up the idea of having a younger sibling. and thinking about it for some time, you two agreed that you wanted another, so finding out that you were pregnant again was a wonderful surprise for him.

he had a difficult time expressing his joy with words while he was still in a state of shock, but you could tell he was ecstatic, especially by the wide smile he presented to both of you and the slight tears in his eyes.

“you’re gonna be a big sister, eira!” jake exclaimed, and she jumped up and down in excitement.

he looked back up at you and took your hands in his, giving you a loving and proud grin. he held the sides of your face gently before kissing you lovingly.

“mommy! daddy!” eira whined, laughing, causing you to pull away.

it was a difficult task to hide the happy news in order to surprise him, and now having the weight being lifted off your shoulders, you felt a wave of relief.

his eyes landed on eira as he thought to himself that as his family would be growing, you and him would also continue developing and flourishing as parents, and he couldn’t wait for the new addition to your family. his eyes then travelled to you and he rested his forehead on yours, whispering how grateful and proud he was of you.

you two were going to be parents for the second time, and eira still couldn’t get over the fact that she was going to be a big sister.

he kneeled down and brought his hands to your lower abdomen where he then left a long kiss and eira quickly followed, unlocking a new chapter for the life of your family.

↳ part 2 !

— author note: happy jake day! thank you for reading! feedback is always appreciate <3

— taglist (fill in the form to be added to my permanent taglist!): @rein-deer-stuffs @herasalvatore @enhasfever @heelariously @en-ternity @mika-monalisa @jungwoniics @all4haru @aleinasstuff @hopelessrthym @wanlore @ddeonubaby @sheepgardenenha @jungwonseyebrowsonflick @liliansun @02liz @niikipuff @jjayvvlog @dummyf

#enhypen imagines #enhypen fluff #enhypen #enhypen x reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen oneshots #enhypen drabbles #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen jake fluff #enhypen jake scenarios #enhypen jake #enhypen jake x reader #enhypen jake imagines #jake sim x reader #jake sim fluff #sim jake fluff #sim jake x reader #jake sim imagines #dad!enhypen

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bitternest · 4 years

Note

I loved your bit on ao3, but I have a question! Why is ao3 a miracle? I know next to nothing about tech in general and would really like to know! I know that it has a /lot/ of stuff to manage but I’d really like to know more!

Ok, I’ll bite.

For starters, zz9pizza did up a better tech breakdown than i ever could here: https://zz9pzza.tumblr.com/post/616408796841000960/insert-normal-disclaimer-about-personal-opinions. If you want more info on the technology, I’d poke around there. But basically, the Christmas miracle part comes from two things:

Everyone’s volunteering! Christmas spirit! Yay!

AO3 is delivering a best-in-class website, on-premise (not in the cloud), using generic hardware (Supermicro is the server equivalent of a soda can that says COLA on it), and using free software. This is the most cost-effective way to deliver a service and while it’s becoming more accepted it is certainly not the norm.

Those two things by themselves aren’t particularly miraculous, but the devil’s in the details. Supermicro’s documentation is ass, which means setting stuff up can take a while. And they’ve set up quite a bit. The work they’ve done on these servers runs from the commonplace (nginx “doing full page caching, html optimisation, priority queuing and sending load to the back-end”), to the more advanced (SYS-5018D-FN4T generic servers configured as pfsense firewalls) to the kind of modern magic that makes tagging and complex searching work (elasticsearch).

Elasticsearch does indexing. What indexing means in this context, very briefly, is tying related documents and bits of data together. For very simple use cases (like logging, Elasticsearch’s primary use case) this is pretty easy to maintain. For tagging in AO3, which is dealing with non-predictable items, categories, relations, loads etc, you need to know what you’re doing or things can go sideways very quickly. Like they did lat year with the page slowness. I’m going to highlight a section of zz9pizza’s post:

We spent quite a lot of time looking into it and made both code changes and other systems changes, and people from elastic reached out to us and gave us advice ( thanks for that :) ).

We ended up working out that the main issue we had was that bookmark searching could eat all of our search capacity so we did some work behind the scenes to ensure that those requests went into a separate queue. That queue was limited to allow only a few of those searched to run at once. Once we did that the cpu load on the elasticsearch which had been hitting 100% started topping out at about 70%.

Two things stand out here to me. One, elastic.co, a notoriously money-grabbing corporation volunteered help. Sure, they were probably individuals and not the corporation but a) in the US at least a corp can absolutely say “don’t fucking do your job for free” (whether its legal is another matter but haha capitalist utopia) and b) the people at elastic get paid very well to figure this shit out. That’s high quality volunteering. And the second thing that stands out is that the AO3 team then managed to re-architect their app to mitigate this in approximately (someone fact check me here) two weeks on volunteer time. Those people have mentally exhausting jobs and came home to bang out fixes in their spare time in a fraction of the time corporate dev teams do.

I just... Look, none of this is particularly magical. The hallmark of any good sysadmin or programmer when faced with new and unfamiliar technology is the ability to say “Gimme some time to figure it out” and then roll up their sleeves and get to work. The magic comes from loving an idea enough to want to do that well-paid work for free, at times of stress and for repeated abuse on this bluehell website.

That, and being able to buy 5 servers for $60k. Like, actually fuck off.

#ao3 #archive of our own #systems engineering #why is that a tag now on my tumblr #i have more to say on this #but you know what I do when i get home from my mentally draining job?#play videogames #read fanfic #and watch youtube cooking shows #Anonymous

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donaidk · 3 years

Text

Marcus Armstrong - Almost Home I.

In advance: This is getting a Part 2 for sure. I don’t want to leave it here, but at the same time I felt like it would be really long if I left it in one piece. Turns out I have a whole lot of inspiration for Marcus fics right now. 😂 I also wanna let everyone, who’s waiting for their request, know that uni is starting next week for me. It means less free time, but I will make sure to finish every one of them in the next week or so, and then focus on all the series I started. There’s gonna be slower updates to them, but I’ll make sore to have one or two per week at least. Hopefully they won’t try to kill us in the starting weeks and I will finish up the Lando one so I could start posting that every week and just add some parts from the others to the queue 😊

Thank you Anon for requesting this one though, and sorry for the wait. Hope you will enjoy it and as it’s almost the next day here, have a really happy start to your Friday everyone 🧡

Kind of Taglist: @mickschumcher, @art-gp

Title Song | Masterlist | Taglist/Queue | Request

With the Australian GP knocking on the door Melbourne filled up with tourists and fans even more than usual. The first time I got to witness it in 2017 was actually scary in a way for someone who didn’t know the city well yet. Getting from one part of the city to another was a hard task already, and all the shouting and crazy fans weren’t of much help when I tried to get some usable info out of them so I could finally get to my destination and get off the streets. It almost held me back from choosing Melbourne’s university, but I had to remind myself that it was just once a year and I shouldn't give up my plans because of it. Melbourne was beautiful and their schools were highly rated, giving me everything for a stable future. Luckily I was never disappointed by my choices as it was easy to get used to the life here and I even found some new friends who helped me every time I felt homesick. It wasn’t the worst usually, as I was truly content with how my life was going, but sometimes it just hit me out of nowhere and in those moments they were always there for me.

It was now the third year when we lived through the race weekend, meaning we finally had a working schedule with which we still followed our usual plans but stayed out of the bigger crowds. Although we were in the middle of the semester we always found time to enjoy the still warm weather and spend most of our free time outside. Usually our choice was the beach for the afternoons as even though it was packed until noon, the tourists never stayed for long. We usually arrived in the late afternoon and stayed well after the sun went down, and the temperature went down a little finally. The water usually stayed comfortable until later in the evening making it bearable for almost a whole 24 hours if you weren’t squeamish. Even if you were after spending a few weeks at the beach, everyone got used to it.

As soon as everyone finished with their lectures we got our things together and took the 5 minutes walk down to the beach. We had a favourite spot which was luckily never taken when we got down there. For a few minutes we just sat down, talking about our weeks. I shared a dorm room with two other girls, but we had a few friends who had their own apartments or lived with their family a bit farther away from our university. We usually had one or two days every week to catch up with them as in between lectures we were either too tired or didn’t have the time to do so. But most of the afternoons were ours fully and we used it the best we could to relax but still use that time to make memories for the few years we’re spending together. We could say it’s gonna stay the same after we graduate but everyone knew we would move to different countries as soon as we weren’t connected to Australia. Even I planned to go home, although I enjoyed living here and getting to be independent without my family behind my back.

“ Are you coming? ” One of the girls asked me, as they were already walking down to the water, while I was still standing around our towels with my phone in my hand. I was in the middle debating which sunset photo I should post from my gallery, but her voice made me look up.

“ Just a second. I’ll catch up. ” I smiled at her before looking back down at my screen. In the end my finger finally tapped the posting button and I pushed it aside while I got the sundress off that was on over my bikini.

Right before I would have ran after the girls, the device was back in my hands so I could check that the picture uploaded without a problem. A smile got on my face when I saw a reaction from one of my family members but as soon as it showed the whole list of the people who looked at my story, it faded away. For the past few months whenever I posted something he was always there in the first few seconds or at least minutes. I couldn’t understand what changed that he showed up in my life again, but I didn't really want to give him space in my thoughts either. It has been almost 4 years since we last talked and could call each other best friends, but I wasn’t about to take the first step and message him after he forgot about me until now. I just dropped my phone back into my bag, closing it and then caught up with my friends so they could make me forget about him again.

We spent quite some time in the water, swimming a few laps back and forth before just standing around and enjoying the last rays of sunshine while we chatted away. My thoughts were already in a different direction thanks to all the different topics that came up between us. Sometimes it was harder to make me forget time and time again, but turns out today I only needed some distraction and everything was set for an enjoyable night. With the sun completely off the sky the temperature dropped quickly and it was getting a bit chilly for my liking in just a few minutes. When it was truly uncomfortable I gave up and walked back to the shore, sitting down on my own blanket and draping my towel around my shoulders. It immediately brought enough warmth over my body that I stopped shivering and could wait for them until they would get cold too. Until then I just went onto my phone to go through some posts of my friends. Sometimes I looked up to check on them just so they wouldn’t leave me out of something. One of those times I saw a person coming my way and although I didn’t mind too much attention to it, when he continued and there was no one else in my close proximity I felt like he might be coming to me. In the end I was right as he turned right towards me and then stopped just a few steps away from our blankets.

“ Never thought you would exchange our lovely and perfect red stars for ugly white ones. ” He spoke up and I could recognise the voice even though his face was almost unseeable thanks to him standing with his back towards the moon. My jaw dropped immediately and I felt like I grew roots into the ground as I couldn’t move my body. “ If you want me to fuck off, just tell me. It’s okay. I just thought we could maybe talk, and from the pictures I saw that you’re here. Hoped you didn’t go home yet so I could catch you and... ” He started rambling but I was quick to finally push myself up and hug him immediately. I always imagined our reunion with me being angry at him, but somehow I couldn’t get myself to feel that way now that he was standing right in front of me.

“ You idiot. ” I told him not leaving any space for questions and I could feel as he finally relaxed and hugged me back. “ The biggest in the whole world. ” I added with a sigh, closing my eyes as my brain started functioning again and I had an urge to kick his shin at least.

“ I can live with that. ” Marcus let out a laugh and I could feel as my heart jumped a little at the sound. It was something that always reminded me of our home and spending every possible second together. “ I’m sorry for disappearing. ” He let out a sigh, letting go of me only when we realised my wet bathing suit soaked his shirt, although even he didn’t care about it for too long.

“ What are you doing here? I thought F2 wasn't coming here. ” I asked him confused, knowing that we wouldn’t be in this situation if he traveled here for one of the races in the past two years. “ Not like I’m complaining, but I can hardly believe my own eyes and senses. ” I shook my head a little before looking up at him again. He changed, quite a bit since we last met and even though I saw pictures of him it was different in a face-to-face situation.

“ Ferrari invited a few of us so we could gather some experience. The speed I accepted the offer with might have raised some eyebrows. ” Marcus hid his face in his palm, making me chuckle as I could see the situation unfold in front of my eyes like I was there. “ Thought I would DM you and ask if you wanted to meet up maybe. But I realized it would be better offline. ” I had to roll my eyes at his first idea although I knew he wasn’t lying and it for sure went through his brain as a real possibility.

“ You’re lucky you didn’t. I would have blocked you forever I think. My plan was connecting my fist with your face if we ever meet again, right until you showed up here. ” I shook my head with a smile, as I wasn’t proud of what I wanted to do to him. “ I was really angry when you just stopped talking to me. I tried so hard to reach you, but it felt like you didn’t even exist anymore even though they were talking about you almost every week. ” I sighed, sitting back down and leaving enough space for him too.

“ Would have been deserved actually. ” His fingers scratched at the nape of his neck and I could see the tint of purple traveling up his neck. I watched him as he sat down, pulling his legs up and resting his arms onto them. “ I really am sorry. For a part everything got busy with all the training, races and studying, but at the same time I know damn well a message here and there should have been possible. I messed up, everything. ” His eyes shined even in the minimal light of the moon, and I could get myself to look away. Even feeling the burning stares on my back from my friends didn’t get me to turn around.

“ I won’t say that it’s okay, but I accept your apology. How could I not. ” I let out a breath that I realized was still stuck in me since the initial surprise took over my body. “ It feels like we didn’t even skip over like 3 years of each other’s life. Only difference is that you’re finally taller than me, but the baby face’s still there. ” My hand went up to his cheek to pat it gently like my grandma did for him all the time when he came over for lunch. He always hated it but knew that it was a gesture of love from her and a way to show Marcus that she considered him part of our family.

“ Yeah, I guess it’s going to stay forever. ” Marcus huffed, moving his head back a little to avoid my attack, although he failed miserably. “ I almost forgot, congrats for uni. I remember how hard you were studying to get in. Everyone home was ecstatic when I told them about it. ” His hand slapped his forehead, making me laugh with his expression at the slight stinging he caused himself.

“ Thank you, but it’s nothing compared to your second place last year. ” I shrugged a little but as soon as his lips pulled into a slight smirk my eyes rolled on their own. “ Surprise, surprise, I followed your career. Just as much as you followed my life for the past few months. ” I poked him in the ribs with my finger, making him wince for a second before we both started laughing at the little sound he made.

“ Fair. I still hate how Instagram shows who opened your stories. ” He shook his head a little and both of our heads turned towards the water when we realized the background chatting was getting closer and closer to where we were sitting. They were just a few meters away when my eyes landed on their figures and I sensed when Marcus stood up from next to me, making me push myself up too.

I didn’t feel too anxious about him meeting my other friends, although I knew what this meant for my evening at the dorm with them. They would have an immense amount of questions both about him and us, even though I already mentioned him when we were bringing up our past. A few of them even knew about my past feelings about him and how him reappearing on my socials played with my emotions, but they only saw a few photos of him. This was another level and I knew he would be the topic for at least the next week between us, for one reason or another. Depends on how we get on from this point and if we manage to keep in contact when they have to fly away again.

“ Oh, I knew it wasn’t just my imagination. I told you someone was coming here. ” My roommate spoke up as soon as they got close enough to make us out from the darkness. “ You’re Marcus, right? ” She stepped right in front of him, reaching her hand out while introducing herself. I always admired her boldness even in front of strangers.

“ Yes, although I didn’t know so many people knew me from here. ” Marcus let out an uneasy chuckle, looking at me a bit concerned. I just shook my head dismissively, almost telling him that it was just a ‘Girl group’ thing. Relief washed over me though that I didn’t share a lot about him, behind his back.

I watched from the sideline as everyone introduced themselves to him and for a second it felt domestic as all of them shot me a concerned glance towards me. It felt like they would pounce at him if they saw that I was uncomfortable in his presence. While it made me feel loved in a way, I also didn’t want them to really chip on the situation. It was something that better dealt with in private as I felt like we had to talk lots of things through to get back to the friendship we left behind years ago. This wasn’t the setting for a conversation like that.

“ We should probably get home before it gets really late. School won’t wait in the morning. ” I spoke up before any of them could start questioning him. We would never be able to get going then. “ Maybe we can catch up sometime before the race? I’m sure you will have enough to do during the weekend. ” I turned back towards Marcus who looked just as relieved as I did seconds ago.

“ Yeah, that would be better. Maybe lunch, or a coffee in the afternoon? Whenever you’re free of course. ” He nodded a little, still glancing at the girls who were either packing up or staring him down behind me.

“ I’m up for either of those. Surprise me. ” I grinned at him, feeling the pull on my arm when everyone was ready. “ Is your number the same? ” I asked him, already taking a step back, but waiting for his answers.

“ Yes. Never changed. ” Marcus nodded again, a little smile playing on his lips at the idea that we’re going to meet up again probably. At least I hoped so. Why else would he stalk me down and come up to me for a chat?

“ I’m gonna text you in the morning when’s my last lecture. We can meet up after that. ” I told them, before turning around with one last wave and catching up to my group. I could only hope that they would at least let me sleep before the questions start pouring out of them all at once.

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darlingpetao3 · 3 years

Text

Thank You For Ruining My Life: An Homage to Tom Cavanagh

“You’ve ruined all my future expectations of men.”

The costume-clad woman had the courage of steel to say this to the then 53-year-old actor, Tom Cavanagh of The Flash, in front of a ballroom filled with a couple hundred people. This brave utterance was spoken during the 2016 Fan Expo Vancouver convention during a Flash question and answer period with actors Tom Cavanagh and Candice Patton. In its third season, the show was undoubtedly still hitting its stride in popularity, and the room was packed to hear these two speak.

The brave woman whose turn it was at the microphone was referring to Tom’s role as Ed Stevens on the NBC 2000 hit, Ed. I had not known of this show previously, but having now heard such a proclamation intrigued me. “You’ve ruined all my future expectations of men.” That was a tempting notion, and as I continued to listen to this disarmingly charming and wittingly funny man steal the stage, Tom intrigued me even more. I’d watched him play three different versions of Harrison Wells on The Flash since the show’s premiere date, yet I hadn’t truly noticed him in a “life-ruining” way before.

Little did I know that Tom Cavanagh would not only eventually ruin my expectations for men as well, but he would change my life in other ways, too.

After the Q&A, I had this urge to buy a S.T.A.R. Labs T-shirt from one of the vendors at the convention. In my head, I thought I would purchase something so that I could have an excuse to talk to Mr. Cavanagh at his signing booth. Again, he intrigued me, and I wanted to experience more of his incredibly likeable personality. So, I dragged my friend with me to wait for what was maybe ten minutes in a queue. Shortly, I was paying the assistant for my autograph I would soon acquire. They wrote my name on a sticky note so that Tom would know how to sign a personalized message to me. And then, it was my turn.

His eyes sparkled when he turned his attention to me. I instantly had a feeling this was just the way he was naturally. Oh yeah, and I swear to God I’d never seen eyes that blue in my entire life. It genuinely stunned me.

“Hi!” he greeted me.

“Hi!” I responded, equally as thrilled. Tom admired the T-shirt I had brought and took note of my name on the piece of paper. I remember us joking together about the extremely lax security in and around S.T.A.R. Labs on the show, which prompted his message to me on the heather-grey cotton. He wrote my name, [followed by a heart!] and a very welcoming, ‘Come on by, just walk right in!’

I had official clearance from Harrison Wells himself.

I thanked him very much, leaving with my treasure folded over my arms. My friend and I walked towards the hall’s exit, and I couldn’t shake this feeling inside me. It felt strange—I couldn’t name it for the life of me. It felt like an odd fluttering with a simultaneous yet contradictory slightness of breath. My head was confused and would continue to be so for the rest of that weekend.

As I waited at my gate in the airport on that Sunday evening to head home, all I knew was that the moments at the con featuring Tom were the highlights of the weekend for me.

And that I was going to begin watching more of the other films and television shows he’d been in. What was the show the brave cosplaying woman had said ruined her expectations of men? Oh yeah, Ed.

Maybe I’ll start there…

***

Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad…

In my house, it’s never really Christmastime until Michael Bublé croons through the speakers of the wooden stereo system in the living room. It felt especially festive as it was now Christmas Eve—a month and some change since the con. It was late, possibly ten o’clock. I was lying on the floor in front of the Christmas tree with my trusty laptop, a word document open. I was writing three holiday-song short stories featuring the new muse in my life, Harrison Wells. I wanted to be able to post them the next day, so my fingers were taptaptapping away.

I had written a handful of things before 2017, most of which had been Marvel-related, under my second, ‘rebirth’ pen name online. I was a little fish among all the grand and fabulous writers on Archive of Our Own, and in many ways, I still feel like that little fish. I was only just learning and feeling out the psyche of the Wells characters. Each one is so different. In my rewatch of the previous seasons of The Flash, I’d taken diligent notes, and as I’d later learn with each following rewatch, I would know them all—what they think, how they talk and behave—like the back of my hand. It was fun to suss out these guys, and I found that I was growing to love the act of writing even more.

One month later, in January, I would post all the stories I’d written thus far on Tumblr. I’d just created an account and, who knows? Maybe I’d get a wider range of readers on here, too.

Might as well give it a shot, right?

***

Wild horses couldn’t keep me from attending Fan Expo Vancouver 2017, especially when the big news dropped. Not only would Tom Cavanagh be attending again, but so would Carlos Valdes, Danielle Panabaker, Candice Patton, and the convention-elusive star of the show himself, Grant Gustin.

Before the moderator for the Flash cast’s Q&A panel could utter the final thanks to the actors at the end of the session, I bounded from my seat and sped down to the photo op booth where the cast would be taking “Team Up” photos with fans. ‘Sped down’ has to be the most appropriate couple of words because I indeed felt like a true Speedster dressed head to toe as the small screen’s adaptation of Jesse Quick, the angsty and brilliant daughter to Harrison Wells turned superhero.

After waiting in a queue that felt like ages, I was next to stand with Team Flash. As I took a step forward, all of the actors’ and actresses’ eyes—the people I spend time with every Tuesday evening—were on me. I heard a familiar voice approve of my costume. It was Danielle.

“Tremendous.”

Grant even joked that he thought for a second Violett Beane, the actress who plays Jesse Quick, had shown up to surprise them. “I was like, what’s Violett doing here?” he said.

I stood in the back row, happily sandwiched between Tom and Carlos. I dared to let my hands rest on their backs, and I couldn’t contain my joy. Shortly after, when I received my near-instant physical photograph of the moment, I saw Tom had pointed at me. In my mind, it felt as if in his gesture, he meant, hey, look at this cool person. Haha. I couldn’t be further from it.

I would go on to further be uncool in public as I later found myself virtually shaking and almost hyperventilating in line for a one-on-one photo op with Tom. The guy dressed as Kid Flash behind me gave me a few encouragements of the “it’ll be okay” variety. As my turn finally arrived, the lovely man of the hour greeted me with a bright smile in recognition of my Reverse Flash T-shirt (I had done a quick change before this photo op because I had worn a Flash T-shirt for a photo with Grant).

“Great shirt!”

The internet comes up with many hilarious and fitting words, but none such so than the term “Cavanarms.” One of the said Cavanarms found its way around my shoulder in such a casual way. My hand rested on his back, and I have told anyone who will listen about how soft his sweater was. What was approximately a five-second interaction will stay with me forever. And to this day, I will always regret how I’m standing beside him in the picture—there’s a distinguishable gap between us. I could have been closer—should have been!—but I like to use the fact that I felt as if I’d combust into flames if I were any closer to the man.

Maybe I’d have another chance to combust later again that day because, believe it or not, this fan hadn’t had enough of seeing Mr. Cavanagh in person. And since he was appearing at the con for this day only, there was no way I was going to squander any opportunities. Besides, there was still one final thing left on my convention docket: the autograph. In my mind, going to get his autograph was an excuse to get to talk to him and simply be in his presence for longer than five seconds. Here, take my money. I’m a sucker, and I’m proud of it. I saved all year for this kind of thing, and Fan Expo has always been my ultimate nerdy Treat Yoself Day.

Plus, this year I came equipped with a question for Tom (something for which I may have prepared a little too far in advance).

“Which of your characters would win in a lawyering battle: Ed or Miles?”

Miles was Tom’s latest character from his newly released project Darrow & Darrow, a fellow lawyer as Ed Stevens (remember, the man who ruins women’s expectations of men?), whom he portrayed almost two decades prior. What I loved about Tom when I got to ask him this was that he was silent for a moment following the question. He was genuinely putting thought into my question. As he pondered, Tom continued to autograph the photo of us together taken mere hours ago.

“Ed. He would wipe the floor with that other guy. Like, Miles is great, but Ed has a rapier-sharp mind, you know?”

I wholeheartedly agreed with his answer and felt relieved inside for some reason. We thanked each other (as politely as two Canadians can) before I left him to pay attention to the next lucky soul in line. I made the mistake of casting my eyes downward at the signed photo.

Tom had signed two little hearts over the I’s in my name. He really needed to stop adding hearts to my things, or I was just going to melt to the floor. In fact, I started to make these strange noises as I tried not to completely maul everyone in front of me while exiting. My friend ushered me as fast as physically possible on our way out of the main hall. One man took one look at me and asked, “Are you okay?”

No.

“Yep!”

The second I made it out of the herd, I broke out into open space. First came the minor hyperventilating. Then came the squealing followed by laughter. Top it off with various fangirlish comments of, “He’s so beautiful!”, “His eyes are so blue!” and “I love him!” and I was probably quite the sight to see (but at a convention, that’s considered normal!). My friend smiled on as she let me express everything that I had to keep inside until I had the right time to expel my emotions. I was on cloud nine. Ten, if at all possible.

The next day would be the con’s final day, which I would attend alone. My friend needed to catch the ferry in order to prepare for her courses the day after. I did a scan of the convention hall one final time in case there was something I missed purchasing. Afterwards, I sat on the cold hard flooring of the convention centre hallway for a bit of a break. I was wiped out. With my phone in hand, I smiled at the messages from this one Tumblr blogger who had been following my posted adventures at the con. I had seen and replied to many of her comments on my stories I’d written thus far, and I enjoyed her matching enthusiasm for Tom and The Flash in general. I felt her to be a kindred spirit. I had no idea then that I was chatting with one of my future best friends, L.

***

I spotted her.

She was wearing an identical shirt to the one I had on—a light grey T-shirt with a sequinned Spider-Man mask in the corner, which around it read, We met on the Web. A giddy me couldn’t wait for the short escalator ride to end. Her back was to me and facing the baggage claim, so here was my chance to surprise her instead.

I towered over my friend, E, and donned a low, authoritative voice.

“Excuse me, Miss, can you come with me?”

She squealed a greeting to me and I returned it as we hugged for the very first time after two and a half years of online friendship. We would still have about two hours to kill until our mutual Tumblr best friend, L, touched down at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport from across the Pond.

Something I noticed was that E and I carried on talking during our wait like it was second nature, that we hung out like this all the time. Whereas when I met L in person for the first time the year previously, our first meeting was that of quiet, delighted shock, unknowing how to react to one another’s physical presence. It almost felt like a fantasy. The closest thing we’d ever gotten to this was visiting over video chats! I’m not sure what each of these different reactions in these separate meetings meant, but what I do know is that I’ve never had such strong female friendships such as these—so full of uplifting support and love for one another. They are the greatest ladies I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

And as a searching L eventually turned the corner to meet us in the Arrivals terminal, I caught sight of her Tom & Grant bandana tied around the handle to her carry-on bag. It was an item she had received in return for helping fund the short film produced in 2018 (I’d bought the ringtone). Seeing the accessory jolted me to remember that the former of the titular short was the reason for this long-awaited get-together holiday in the Windy City in the first place. Tom Cavanagh, unbeknownst to him, had just officially united three online friends, each from a different country, to spend six full days of in-person bonding and a whole lot of fun.

***

I should have been shelving books.

I should have been doing a lot of library-related tasks, but my head was elsewhere. Anywhere other than the small-town public library where I work. Instead, I sat on the carpeted floor of the Junior/Young Adult section with my phone in hand and a dreadful article title staring back at me.

“The Flash: Carlos Valdes and Tom Cavanagh to Exit after 7 Seasons.”

My world felt like it was falling apart.

Tom was leaving? There had been rumours and wonderings spreading around the fandom regarding whether he was leaving the show. With a storyline ending with a monumental sacrifice and a time-travelling man saying his farewells, it all seemed to point to the fact. I should have known… I could have rivalled Supergirl as being the Paragon of Hope after all the optimism I doled out to my followers and friends who would come to me worried Tom would exit the show. I would always give reasons to deny such a thing could happen, claiming that I’d believe when I saw it.

Well, there it was, and I definitely saw it.

One could feel the ripple effect over the internet of the shards of broken and riled-up hearts around the world.

Tom’s exit was on his terms, having not felt challenged by his character’s plotlines, as mentioned in a recent Entertainment Weekly article. As a viewer—and I am a viewer (Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, anyone?), it has been increasingly difficult to look past the missed shots made by story editors and showrunner, so understandably, the actor would want to seek something more exciting and meatier. That said, Tom has always shone on-screen and taken what he’s been given in stride. He turns unearthed material into diamonds and indeed shines on screen. Steals it, even! Tom easily makes the episodes he’s in better, and when he’s missing, you feel the loss. The few episodes of Season 7 without him only give us a tiny hint at how the show will be without him going forward. It much resembles when you might bring out your favourite jigsaw puzzle, only to find that the one piece you need to complete it isn’t there.

***

On a personal note, as I write this, I am roughly 20 followers away from reaching a milestone of 2,000. I have written well over 200 stories for The Flash alone (whether they be short or long, one-shots or chaptered), and goodness knows how many words I’ve generated altogether over the course of these many years with inspiration from the show and my favourite character. I’ve written and co-written novel-length stories, one monumental Wellsian story of which was done alongside L and E (almost solely done through alternating text messaging in the app, Line) that reached over 108,000 words and consisted of 42 chapters. And when I’m not writing for my blog, I’m also working on trying to accomplish my dream of becoming a published author. Just as I thought before I launched my Tumblr blog, I think again now: Might as well give it a shot, right?

***

I have watched virtually everything Tom has been in that I could get my hands on, both physically and electronically. Sure, a few titles are out of my reach and probably lost to the very early 90's forever, but from what I've seen through Tom's filmography is enough to know that he can do anything. He can play the romantic leading man that will make you fall head over heels for him or a deranged killer that will have you genuinely scared of him. That is talent. Tom always brings something new to the table from each role to the next, and (when he's not playing those psycho killers) you can't help but admire his craft.

Not only is his acting stellar, but from what we as fans have gathered on the man, Tom has got to be one of the kindest men in the business. His humour and sheer ridiculousness could get anyone through a tough time (we’ve seen plenty of bloopers and behind-the-scenes videos to prove this!). He has clearly bottled and stored an endless supply of Fountain of Youth™ and each year continues to wow us with his handsomeness. Tom is charming, dedicated, and yes, arguably holds the world record for Bluest Eyes.

In my eyes, Tom Cavanagh gave me the two best friends I could have ever asked for, as well as plenty more lovely friends I’ve continued to make online. (One day, I hope to meet him again so that I can tell him in person how because of him, I’ve met such very important people in my life). Through Tom, I have truly found my passion for writing, and in doing so, segued me to dare to dream of becoming a published novelist. I wholeheartedly believe all of this would not have happened if it weren’t for those first series of events that led me to meet Tom and love and admire him immensely. He is indisputable proof that there are indeed men like him out there. Indeed, he did ruin all of my future expectations of men. He ruined my life in the absolute best way and I am eternally grateful.

I am very much looking forward to what Tom will do next. I think it’s rather needless to say that I will follow him in his career, as he has gained a devoted fan for life. He represents so much to me and so much of it I have gained since meeting him that fateful day, when I thought to myself, Maybe I should buy this T-shirt and get this guy to sign it. Wherever Tom goes in life, I’ll be here to cheer him on.

I have a pretty good feeling plenty of others will, too.

#i don't exactly want to tag this with his name #but this is a personal essay of sorts regarding tom cavanagh's effect on my life #if you decide to read I hope you enjoy it!

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