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#so this was the last post before our break
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THE CHASE - Part 8 | Hangman X Reader
I’m so sorry for the long wait on this part. There’s been a lot happening for me the last little while. I turned 30 yesterday and it was a bittersweet day for me. Lots of tears this whole week.
As always, thank you so much for the support and love on this story and in general! It means the world to me. Picking up where we left off and getting a little spicy! Thanks @dizzybee03 for helping me through my plot block!
Warnings; teasing, dry humping, I don’t think there’s anything else but I’m posting from my phone so maybe? Let me know if there’s something I missed!
PART 8
“Well then, what are you waiting for Seresin? Kiss me.” Jake’s brain must have short circuited. Looking at you standing in front of him, in that adorable looking sundress, the half drank beer bottle hanging from your fingers, asking him to kiss you. He stood up, the glow of the flames flickering across both of your faces, as your eyes searched his face, he searched yours. He lifted his hand to brush his knuckles against the apples of your cheeks, warm from the sun and the fire. “Are you sure Darlin? Once we do this, there isn’t any going back.” You met his gaze head on, the flames from the bonfire reflecting in your intense stare. Jake cupped your cheek and pulled you closer to him, his other hand snaking around your waist as his lips slanted against yours in a soft kiss. You brought your arms up around his neck and held yourself closer to him, kissing back.
Neither of you heard any of the whistles, cheers and “told you so’s” that were emanating from the group, you were so wrapped up in the feel of each other. You feeling the warmth of Jake’s body against your front and the heat of the fire against your back, the softness of his lips on yours as he maintained a PDA safe kiss, the smell of wood burning, mixed with his signature cinnamon and sandalwood scent and combined with coconut and salt from the lotion you’d both applied throughout the day. It was perfect in your mind. When he pulled away from you slowly, your eyes fluttered open, meeting his sincere gaze “guess there’s no going back now Darlin’” You smiled and shook your head “guess not”. You both turned to face your friends, hands intertwined. Bradley was grinning ear to ear, Natasha who looked partially disgusted because “Bagman?! Really?” You rolled your eyes with a smile that she returned before glaring at Jake and poking him in his ridiculously solid chest “be good to her Bagman, if Penny loses another bartender, she’ll kill you. But this one’s actually our friend too so if you break her heart I’ll break you.” You couldn’t help but let out a small giggle at her threat and gave her a hug “thanks for having my back Nat.” Javy was the only one who was grinning like the cat that got the cream, as he approached Jake and gave him a strong slap on the shoulder and then pulled him into a hug and said quietly into his ear “I’m proud of you, man.” He then pulled you into a hug too, lifting you up off the ground “finally!” You laughed and patted his back “thanks Javy.” Jake smirked “get your hands off my girlfriend, Machado.” Javy grinned at him and set you back down, “you have no idea how long he’s been waiting to say that.” You looked at Jake whose cheeks were tinted pink and you leaned into his side, relishing in the warmth from his body heat and the fire. You two returned to your seats by the fire and the rest of the squad joined you, breaking off into their own conversations.
This was not what you had expected to happen on your day off. In less than 12 hours you got asked out by a friend, a new boyfriend, and all your friends had found out about the relationship. After a whirlwind day and the blazing heat on the beach, being sat next to a roaring fire and Jake’s warm body beside you, you began dozing off. Only when the warm beer was removed from your slackening grip and a pair of even warmer arms were wrapped around you and you were lifted up did you start to rouse briefly, before the warm smell of sandalwood and cinnamon, smokiness and coconut sunscreen lulled you back under. “I’ll get her home, thanks Phoenix.” Jake’s tone was hushed, as to not wake you as he lifted you easily into his arms, Coyote had grabbed both of your bags and walked ahead of him to the truck to open the passenger door for him to set you inside. Once he had you buckled in, he closed the door and gave Javi a bro hug before climbing in himself and pulling out of the parking lot towards your place.
You felt it as soon as his truck stopped in front of your place, but you kept your eyes closed to relish in the feeling of his warm embrace. You heard him rustling around and when he got out of the truck but it took longer than it should have for him to come around to your side, you almost opened your eyes to check, but as you were about to you heard him on the opposite side of the door, opening it and reaching in to unbuckle you. “Come on sunshine” he scooped you into his arms easily, as if you weighed nothing and carried you right up the front steps and into the house. He kicked the door closed and that's when you realized he must have gone to open the door before coming to get you. He brought you into your bedroom and you squeaked when he tossed you onto the bed not so gracefully. Your eyes shot open and you were met with his shit eating grin “you snore Darlin’.” Your mouth dropped in mock shock but didn’t stay that way long as you began giggling “sorry, the heat must have knocked me out” You sat up on your knees and moved towards him, almost eye to eye with him while you were kneeling on the bed and he was standing, it sent shivers up your spine. “I should get going…” He didn’t look convinced at his own words, in fact you were sure it wouldn’t take anything to get him to stay. His hands were stuffed deep in his pockets and he was looking at you with such tenderness that it made your heart ache a little. You brushed your fingers along his cheek softly as your eyes met his and you said quietly “stay…” You saw his resolve crumbling behind the green of his eyes and you moved a little closer to him, letting your other hand rest against his chest “please?”
Jake was a goner. He was so hooked on you that you could probably ask him to do any number of things that would get him kicked out of the Navy and he’d happily do it just to see the smile on your face. When you asked him to stay and added the small please after, coupled with your hands on him, he nearly let the moan that was buried deep in his chest escape. Instead he slipped his hands out of his pockets and around your waist, as he pulled you the rest of the way in for a breathtaking kiss, figuring that if his mouth was busy he wouldn’t say something stupid like ‘I love you’ or ‘will you marry me’ both of which were bouncing around in his primitive brain because he knew deep in his bones that he wanted to make you his forever. But he couldn’t scare you. So he kissed you, with everything in his body that he could muster. It was so forceful that you fell back on the bed, pulling him on top of you and giggling, as he chased your lips with his. You ran your hands through his sun kissed tresses and he instantly felt the tension ease out of his body and you couldn’t help the small whimper that escaped you at the feel of his weight on you, even though he was careful not to crush you. At that sound, a sound that of course went straight south, he pulled away, sitting back on his knees looking at you spread out below him, chest heaving, dress slightly askew, eyes wild and cheeks pink. He wanted to burn this image into his mind forever. You reached back up for him, your hand running down his chest over his t-shirt before your fingers slipped underneath it brushing against his abs. He inhaled sharply “Darlin’”
The look you gave him should have struck him dead if he was anyone else, but he was Jake, and he was a little turned on when a girl was mean to him. “Don’t you Darlin’ me Seresin.” You sat up, legs still mostly pinned between his thighs. “We are both consenting adults, and I’m positive I don’t have to explain to you that there are a number of things that we can do without having sex.” He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him. God he was obsessed with you. He cupped your face tenderly as he leaned down to capture your lips in a soft kiss that was very much Jake and not Hangman at all. “I just wanted to make sure you were sure of what you wanted to do.” You looked up at him with an eyebrow raised, before you pushed up his shirt and took it off him before tossing it somewhere in your room “I’m sure, so so sure.” Your hands found their way to his shoulders as you pulled him back down on top of you, lips finding their way together like magnets.
Jake was positive there would be no other feeling better than your lips on his, and the way your waist was seemingly molded to his hands like it was carved out just for him. Your entire body just fit with his like a puzzle piece and the sounds you made as he let his hands roam your form made him never want to stop touching you. Somehow, you had rolled the two of you so he was pressed against your mattress and you were atop him, straddling his hips. He knew you could feel his erection and he was about to pull away to adjust when you pressed yourself with more force and let a breathless moan slip from your lips. He tensed under you, causing you to pull further away to look at him as you continued to slightly move your hips against him, essentially dry riding his erection. The wink you shot him before letting your head tip back told him you knew exactly what you were doing and doing it on purpose. His hands slipped down your waist to your hips as he helped to guide you, mesmerized by the way your body was moving, lost in the way you knew what you wanted, and the way you took it while still honoring the fact that he wanted to wait a little longer before actually sleeping with you. And when you finally came undone, with all your clothes on, he was able to see exactly how your body reacted; the sheen of sweat along your chest and neck, the way your hands had cupped your tits just before you came, the way your eyes closed and mouth opened in a silent o, and he felt your thigh muscles tighten around his waist and then immediately relax as soon as you came. He filed that away in his memory bank for next time because he wanted to make sure you always had that reaction with him. He was so caught up in watching you he didn’t feel his own release building up until it was too late. “Oh shit.”
Your body was wound so tightly, everything about him surrounded your senses and that alone was almost enough to make you cum. The way he helped guide your hips as you dry humped him, the small squeeze he gave to your thighs at random moments when he probably thought you weren’t going to notice, the way his green eyes never left your face for a moment, and of course the way his length was hard as a rock beneath you, everything coupled together made for a perfect storm and with another swirl of your hips you came for him, soaking your swimsuit bottoms and likely his too.
Your body shook with spasms of aftershocks as Jake pulled you down against his chest, hands immediately running up and down your back and muttered praises into your ear. “Shh I’ve got you baby, such a good girl, I’ve got you.” You let out a small whimper at the “good girl” and then went nearly boneless on top of him. “M’sorry, gimme a minute” you mumbled into his neck as he just continued rubbing your back and let out a soft chuckle “when you’re ready”. He was still semi-hard between your legs and another shiver ran through you at the thought of his stamina. After a few minutes, you pushed yourself up slightly with your hands on his chest, and pressed your lips to his lightly. It seemed he read your mind because before you could move your hands lower on his chest and mutter “your turn”, he grabbed your wrists and held your palms flat on his pecs “this is about you Darlin’. I’m good.” As you were about to protest he silenced you with a kiss “really, I’m good to just lay here with you.” You just about melted into a puddle at his words “but-” He shook his head “no buts.” You realized you weren’t going to win any argument with him, so you settled for climbing off his lap “I’m going to go shower and brush my teeth… I’ll leave an extra toothbrush for you” He nodded and watched as you made your way into the ensuite bathroom and left the door a tiny bit open as an invitation.
Once you were in the bathroom Jake relaxed into the pillows and ran his hands over his face and through his hair. How did he just cum in his shorts like a fucking teenager. When he heard the water turn on in the shower, he stood up and removed his soaked swim trunks, he couldn’t tell what was yours and what was his and it was low key hot as fuck. As he was about to grab a fresh pair of boxer briefs from his duffel, he paused, eyes moving to the bathroom door that you left partially open. He stood up straight and before his brain could talk him out of it, walked into the bathroom with as much confidence as he could muster to join you in the shower.
You were humming along to a tune in your head and Jake watched your shadow on the curtain for a brief moment as you brought your hands up to run them through your hair. You looked like you had your back to the curtain, face under the spray, so he took advantage and pulled back the curtain and stepped in behind you, pulling the curtain closed again. His hands immediately found their way to your waist and he gave himself a little distance between your bodies, as much as he could being in a confined shower stall. He was mesmerized by the way the water trailed down your back and your ass was a lot cuter naked than it was in any piece of clothing he’d seen you in. Jake’s hands found their way to your waist, leaving goosebumps in their wake as you brought your hands down to meet his before you looked at him over your shoulder, fighting the urge to cast your glance downwards “I’m glad you joined me”. He pressed a small kiss to your shoulder as he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer to him as he reached for the loofah with one hand, soaping it up and beginning to run it across your back and shoulders “i’m glad I did too, you have a really cute butt.” You giggled “Jake Seresin, are you an ass man?” He shrugged “only for you.” He continued sudsing you up and you let your body relax into it, enjoying the comfortable silence. He guided your body under the warm spray again to rinse off and you turned to face him, arms wrapping around his neck and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “Will you stay tonight?” He wanted to laugh, as if he could leave you now. He would stay with you even if it meant getting up at 4 am to be on base at 6. He pressed his lips against your again “of course, Darlin. I think you’re going to have a hard time gettin’ rid of me now that you let me in.” You giggled and ran your hands along his shoulders, marveling at how normally you were hardened against men’s advances, but with Jake here in your house, touching you so gently, you turned into a puddle. You were a bit surprised he hadn’t turned the touching into anything even remotely sexual and you hadn’t even looked, but you could feel, and even soft he was impressive. Jake tilted your chin up to meet your eyes with his “not tonight, go towel off and get into bed. I’m right behind you Darlin’” You sank your teeth into your bottom lip as you stepped out of the shower and into the cooler bathroom air, skin prickling with goosebumps. You wrapped yourself in your fluffy towel and grabbed one for Jake as well, before going about your nightly routine
Jake turned off the water and wrapped the towel around his waist, before joining you next to the sink, not missing the way your eyes followed a water droplet that trailed down the middle of his chest and into the towel. He took the extra toothbrush you offered and began brushing alongside you and when he finished rinsing he pressed his lips to your cheek and left the bathroom so you could finish your routine. He slipped on his boxer briefs and ran the towel through his hair a few times, before checking the route to base from your house and setting his alarm. Then he lay in bed waiting for you. He admired, with a soft smile on his face, as you came out of the bathroom still wrapped in your towel and grabbed yourself panties and something to sleep in, before slipping back into the bathroom. When you emerged the next time you were wearing a satin short set, with your hair braided and you crawled into bed next to him.
Both of you turned to face each other, your hand finding its way to his chest even in the darkness, trailing soft patterns with your nails and the next thing he knew, your hair was lightly tickling him as you rested your head on his chest. His heartbeat already lulling you to sleep and you knew that you’d probably never get another good nights rest without him beside you. Your blood pounded in your ears as you began to panic at how fast and how hard you realized you actually were falling for Jake. And as quickly as the panic came, it faded with each light stroke of Jake’s fingertips on your back. “You’re in control Darlin’. We can talk about it if you want to.” You shook your head lightly and whispered quietly, not wanting to break the stillness “not now, we can talk about it later.” You felt him give you a small squeeze and then continue tracing his fingertips up and down your back. That was how, combined with the steady beat of his heart, you fell into one of the best sleeps you’ve ever had.
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bucktommyfanfic · 1 day
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A list of BuckTommy fics posted on April 9, 2024
These fics are carefully read through to ensure that they are BuckTommy positive. Listed works may feature other mature or triggering content, so please read author tags and warnings carefully and don't forget to leave some love!
Fic Recs - Navigation Page – Send a Message
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At Every Table, I'll Save You a Seat by StarrySummers04 Oneshot | Teen | 2069
It's nearly time for Maddie and Chimney's wedding but Buck would like to make a last minute alteration to the guest list. Will Maddie and Chimney be okay with this or will they have something more to say?
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Be Careful It's His Heart by SleepingBooty Multichapter | Teen | 7052
Aka 5 times a member of Buck’s family warns Tommy to be careful with Buck +1 time Buck warns Tommy himself
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Blue Fire by queermatcha Oneshot | Explicit | 4216
After their third date, Buck and Tommy have sex for the first time.
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Come Up For A Beer? by @frizzlenox Oneshot | Mature | 3245
“Come up for a beer?”
“I’d like that, yeah, I don’t think I’m quite ready to say good night to you.”
“I don’t think I’m quite ready to say good night to you either.”
Buck and Tommy spend the night together after their first date.
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dinner plans by kitthekazoo Oneshot | Teen | 976
Buck accidentally tells Tommy he loves him.
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dropping bi by mattzerella_sticks Oneshot | General | 1931
Buck is easing into dating men, taking it one step at a time. Tommy's been a great partner through all of it.
After a wonderful date in which Tommy spent the night at Buck's, Buck tumbles into the next step of his journey of self-discovery when his family makes an unexpected, unannounced, visit.
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exhaustion and monsters of mine by @bucksbiawakening Oneshot | General | 1771
Chimney and Tommy have a heart-to-heart, and then some Madney and Tevan cuteness.
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Fixing Our Mistakes by Regent_of_RarePairs Oneshot | Teen | 1529
After a disastrous first date Tommy isn't sure where things stand with Evan. When Eddie calls to tell him something's happened to Evan he realizes that the younger man means more than he'd realized. Hopefully it's not too late to fix what was broken.
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Flirting On And Off The Court by Wolves_of_Innistrad Oneshot | Teen | 1463
Buck arrives to watch Tommy play basketball, it doesn't go quite as planned, but maybe it turns out even better.
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I can't imagine a world with you gone by @bidisasterevankinard Oneshot | Teen | 3981
Buck was happy with Tommy and he wanted him to know it. He wanted to tell Tommy in words how he felt about him. But of course the moment Buck said the words “I’m happy”, universe said “Fuck you”.
In the worst way possible.
Or Buck has to see how universe tries to take Tommy from him.
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I Heard About Him Before, I Wanted To Know Some More (And Now I Know What They Mean) by olistark (daxamsquarry) Oneshot | General | 617
Buck reiterates how much he wanted to get to know Tommy.
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I’ll Break My Heart Again (I’ll Tell Him It’s The End) by olistark (daxamsquarry) Oneshot | General | 612
He’s supposed to be happy that Tommy is coming to pick him up for their first date; for Buck’s first date with a man. Instead, he’s worrying.
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It's something that you do I can't explain by @tabbytabbytabby Oneshot | Teen | 472
After two weeks of dating, there's something that still hasn't come up between Buck and Tommy. Until one night, Buck brings it up.
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It's The Curls by RedEyedQueen21 Oneshot | Mature | 3641
“Did you do something to your hair?” Tommy asked, pointing at his own hair for emphasis.
Buck frowned for a moment, not really understanding till Tommy pulled a single golden curl that was curling over his forehead. “Oh,” Buck laughed, trying his best to ignore how Tommy’s appraising look was causing his stomach to gel. “I-uh, I just didn’t feel like doing my hair right now.” Buck shrugged, he let Tommy run his fingers through his curls. Tommy was gentle about it so as to not to disturb the curls. Despite wearing a hoodie, Buck felt his skin breakout in goosebumps as Tommy hands left his hair to caress his face.
He felt his breathing hitch as Tommy ran both his hands down Buck’s chest. “You look good.” Tommy voice was hushed but deep.
In where Buck learns, Tommy really loves his curls.
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kiss me in a way that’s gonna screw me up forever by buckleysbest Oneshot | Teen | 535
"Hey Evan, you ready to go?" Tommy says, his mouth creasing at the corner where he smiles and Buck wants. Wants to press his lips to the corner of Tommy's mouth, wants to learn every curve and crease. He finds himself wanting to be pressed into a counter or a wall or even his fucking front door and thoroughly kissed. He wants to be held and he wants it to be Tommy doing the kissing and that's a heady feeling he can't quite wrap his head around. - Tommy comes to pick Buck up for their first date. Buck just wants to be kissed.
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learn how to walk, learn how to run by @freewayshark Oneshot | Explicit | 2421
Buck should be rewarded for his truly impressive amount of patience.
It’s been twenty entire minutes since Tommy had walked him to his door and Buck had invited him in.
Twenty minutes where they’ve been talking, and laughing, and looking at each other. God Buck had no idea how much he’d been stopping himself from looking at other men until he’d realized there was something he wanted to see.
But it’s also been twenty minutes where they haven’t been touching each other.
So, yeah, Buck should get a reward. Some kissing sounds like a fine prize.
-or-
After Buck invites Tommy in after their date, he begins to explore the whole new world now open to him.
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Not Weirded Out by WolfMadeFromAsh Oneshot | Not Rated | 1462
Spec fic for 7x05, Buck and Tommy's first date.
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nothing but blue skies by halflightlove Oneshot | Explicit | 2476
Tommy’s presence was so solid and steady, so comforting. Even through their less-than-stellar first date, when Buck had been so nervous he’d worried that he’d ruined everything before it had begun. Tommy had simply met him with endless patience and understanding.
The three weeks since then had been filled with sweet good morning texts, quick phone calls to catch up, and one brief coffee date on a day where their schedules had lined up that had ended with them heatedly making out in Buck’s Jeep.
They were taking things slow. It was nice, Buck thought. Still, that hadn’t stopped him from fantasizing about getting Tommy out of his clothes, his desire an electric thing that had settled deep into his bones.
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Pounce by wilddragonflying Oneshot | Mature | 1329
Buck gets injured on the call with the possessed hand.
Tommy has... feelings about it.
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shot right through with a bolt of blue by malignantheart Oneshot | General | 714
Buck finds him just as he’s being loaded into an ambulance, face smudged with soot and streaked with sweat. His eyes look glassy, faraway, and something about that lodges itself uneasily in Buck’s throat like a piece of underchewed food.
“Tommy,” he calls out. “Tommy.”
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Text me when you get there by quantumwidow Oneshot | Teen | 3126
"for a glorious few hours, Buck thought he was a genius. A toddler was the perfect person to practice coming out to, no judgement, no expectations and she lacked any and all context to understand why it was a big deal. To be fair, if he’d picked any other toddler he might’ve been right, unfortunately, this was Howard Han’s toddler and Buck was about to learn how much she’d inherited from her father."
After a surprisingly successful first date with Tommy, Buck learns that his niece is really bad at keeping secrets, and ends up re-learning some things about his own childhood
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Thirsty For Love (Eager For Attention) by ix_tab Oneshot | Explicit | 3899
Buck is two weeks into a relationship with Tommy, and he can't stop discovering things about himself, about his desires about what makes him tick. Tommy's there all the way, and they are becoming something special together
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we can run into the fire (it's a trustfall) by leviarty Oneshot | General | 633
Buck thinks, as far as first dates are concerned, it could’ve been worse. No, really.
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when we're barely awake in the heat of the day's weight by trysetmeonfire Oneshot | Mature | 1037
“You okay?” The man asks, voice rough with sleep though not too loud even with his mouth maybe three inches from Buck’s ear. He’s so soft. All his hard edges and he’s just so soft.
“Yeah,” Buck half-whispers, relaxing into him. “Sorry. It’s just, uh- been awhile since I woke up someplace new.” He hadn’t been paying much attention to ceiling texture when they’d stumbled to bed last night, either. It matches what little glimpses he had been paying attention to in Tommy’s charmingly vintage apartment. Brick exterior. Funny orange tiles in the kitchen. “Think it might have been since, uh…” Shit. He’d been to Natalia’s once for just a few minutes because she had an ornery roommate, and Taylor always came to his. Ali found him the loft specifically to have a nice place to wake up in after fucking. “Uh, Abby, maybe.”
Buck wakes up at Tommy’s place and they have a conversation about taking up space
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dreamgirlvibes · 1 day
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We live in a culture where we are told we can go find better and do better- thus isolating ourselves and repeating this cycle over and over after small disagreements and ego-driven battles. Only to find ourselves becoming a capsule of emotions, memories and soul ties left with nothing but a false hope. Yes, there are instances where you SHOULD remove yourself and disconnect from people and things that are truly detrimental to your life and well being. But every single time someone fails or doesn’t meet such high standards, we’d rather let go instead of giving grace. We would rather remove what could have been instead of thinking of our own triggered responses and actions. We end up selfishly choosing ourselves instead and left with only ourselves. Traumatized by what is called love but we never truly find it. Taught by instagram memes and twitter posts and led by their manifestations. Guided by the followers of God and not Himself. Walking around the earth with a pride so high that couldn’t be reached but expecting for people to climb our walls. Love used to last back then because people knew what it was to TRY. We hallmark this ‘’90’s’’ r&b era because deep down inside we all want to find a love that stays, a love that never quits, that is vulnerable and faithful. It’s not about the boy groups ‘’begging and pleading’’ for their women. It’s not about the r&b divas expressing their hearts outs and uplifting their men. It’s not even about a nostalgic feeling. It’s about the fact that that we all had examples and situations that made us BELIEVE that the kinda love we deserve is WORTH IT. Worth crying for, worth chasing, worth staying, worth giving and trying. We are now blind to that type of love. We all have our guns in our pockets and weapons ready to aim at any kind of instance that doesn’t deem to be perfect. We have traded healthy love for toxicity and eventually made toxicity a normal thing- so normal we are TERRIFIED to try. Scared to stay. Horrified to look so crazy, so dumb, to be open, to cry, to do, to feel that we’re slowly becoming numb to the idea of it. Some praise singleness as a form of healthiness to the point of normalcy. And not saying that being single is not normal, but it’s the projection we forget about. People’s projections have become our new will and we all then cycle it back and pass It along. Causing all of us to eventually feel like we can do so much better, be so much better, when in reality we don’t even realize that the real work is working on ourselves. Nothing changes if nobody changes. We point the finger at each other when the target should be our own lives. If only you and that person could call it truths and instead instantly erasing the memories and history you’ve built off a disagreement, y’all can find a solution- first by removing the ego and letting vulnerability take its place. However, in this generation, that almost seems like a scam. We have power words we use for people who make simple mistakes- calling their choices a disease and spreading awareness to what could have easily been an apology. We would rather categorize people by names then to understand their reasons. We would rather perceive someone for what we choose to believe instead of allowing that person to find solace in us. Because in this generation- love is merely a concept. It is just a partnership until the contract is broken and when it breaks, we can go find another partner than can fulfill our selfish needs. It is prideful, it is not kind, it envies, dishonors others, self seeking, easily angered, never trusts, delights in seeing evil after departure and eventually fails. EVERYTHING opposite of what the Bible describes to BE LOVE. So do not think it rare that we have an enemy who is seeking to remove this altogether. To keep us soaked up in this concept until we no loner have a fighting chance. To keep us ‘’cutting each other off’’ and ‘’blocking’’ each other altogether because we feel like there is SO MUCH better when in reality the better needs to be YOU. You are the change that the world needs.
If everyone looked at themselves before trying to find this love in everyone else- we will all be facing ourseves and getting hit with the fact that when you finally turn around- you will THEN truly see each other. We will then finally see LOVE for what it is.
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Okay not to be analysis georg over Alien Stage but I adore the ROUND 7 (Till vs Luka) art that dropped recently so much. And thus I will be analysis georg
(cw: I lightly and nonexplicitly reference the abuse Till suffered under captivity, including the heavily implied sa.
This is mostly contemplating Till's psyche, how Ivan's impact on Till contrasts the aliens, and art as rebellion against dehumanization. With that comes the possible triggers of Till's story.)
Till's closeup is what compelled me to post at all, because it's a very deliberate choice that speaks to his emotional state going in, and contrasts him strongly against Luka
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This is long btw
The closeup focuses on the lower half of Till's face. It draws attention to his mouth and headset mic by mimicking a camera's depth of field to emphasize the yawning space between them, while using the metallic mic as a lure. The lighting sharpens the mic while softening Till.
The emphasis on Till's mouth (and mic) is indicative of a stark emotional shift from Round 6, where crushing hopelessness left him passive and barely singing.
Metatextually, the story being told by completely diagetic music videos ties strongly to the contrast between the aliens who've made the voices of the enslaved humans a commodity and the humans who are only given a voice through song.
There's a reason why music has been used for both propaganda and rebellion throughout our societal conflicts. You can only scream so loud before bystanders tune you out; music compels them to listen.
And I think that dichotomy between authority and autonomy, between the artist as product and as person, within the universe of Alien Stage is going to be delved a lot deeper into with 7.
Till having a hands-free mic and green strap over his shoulder leads me to believe he's going to be playing guitar again. Which we've seen him use for acts of rebellion before.
I saw someone saying the headset was a sign of his isolation, but I see it as him reviving the angry hope he'd extinguished using Ivan's memory. From what I've seen, Till never seemed happy when he had a standing or handheld mic. He's a creative, hands-on guy whose art and rebellions come from when he is able to use those hands.
Drawing, guitar, fighting... there's a reason he was singularly stripped of autonomy in ways we haven't seen happen much elsewhere (that physicality reminds me of Hyuna, I wonder if Luka will notice that). The caging, bodily restrictions, and physical degradation and assault from the aliens singularly target his personhood.
Even in the closeup art there's that possessive ownership, that clear replacement of Person with Commodity. His tears (or sweat) have been pointed out and remarked upon by the aliens. Yet the shot leaves out his eyes, which are often tied to personhood in literature because of how humanizing they are. Dilation, movement, eyelid position, blinking. It's hard to look into a creature's eyes and not understand there's a mind behind them.
The aliens commodify the emotion through his tears but deny the humanity behind them. They dissociate music as art with an artist behind it, even while intuitively knowing how an artist's lived experiences can create compelling music. The aliens want their product, they don't care that art isn't just entertainment to consume. They don't recognize the power music can have. They don't value it enough to truly understand it.
I wonder if this could be analagous to anything in the real world. Hm. Nahhhhhh. ANYWAYS
Till is creating what the aliens want, but the closeup has the same color palette as when he and Ivan were running away during the meteor shower. That shine on the mouthpiece even looks like a falling star.
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The meteor shower was a moment of tension. A held breath before a breaking point: you can escape or you can stay trapped, but whatever decision you make you can't ever take it back.
It doesn't matter whether Till believes his last decision to stay was a mistake, he was a different person when Ivan took his hand. And he was changed again when Ivan kissed him before making that stage his death bed. Their death bed, perhaps, since something in Till had to die in order to be revived.
And Till is the only one in that arena who has the memory of running with Ivan under a cascade of falling stars. He is the only one those colors mean anything to. The aliens may be commodifying his tears, but they have no grasp on the emotions behind them. There is something within Till they cannot take, breathed into him by Ivan.
Ivan may have believed his love for Till was shallow, but he gave it freely. One of the reasons I even ship them is because Till has spent all his life in captivity getting pieces of himself carved out by aliens trying to consume his soul, and while Ivan can certainly be fucked up... he has always lain his insides out on a silver platter for Till. Given even the ugly bits over, despite knowing they'd be disregarded.
Till was strangled more visibly for how his humanity spilled out, but Ivan had been slowly suffocating because he refused to let them free. He accepted the role as pet (entertainment product dress-up doll) to keep his humanity safe. He played into the aliens' desires because he refused to give them any parts of himself that mattered.
But he still wanted to be seen, still needed to be known, so he gave them to Till.
And now Till is on that stage again (that had eaten Sua and Mizi and Ivan), carrying fragments of his loved ones that they had slipped into his palms. Quiet moments of joy and despair and fear and love. Bits of themselves they never allowed the aliens to have, that made a home in Till.
And what is love, surrounded by an entire society that refuses to acknowledge your humanity, other than an act of rebellion?
Which I think will be very interesting to see juxtaposed against how Luka seems to be portrayed. With an earpiece seemingly feeding him information, in the cool tones evoking a memory of Hyuna, whose closeup doesn't even deign to glance at his face.
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(Though- not to overanalysis georg- it's interesting we get a glimpse at his seemingly gloved fingers. And that their color palettes are both interrupted by a small bit of green. Till's by what I think is a guitar strap, and Luka's by the center of his earpiece- and its sound.)
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steddieunderdogfics · 12 hours
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a meeting between pages by loveinhawkins
@loveinhawkins
pRating: Teens and Up
2,627 words, 1/1 chapters
Archive Warning: No Warnings
Tags: POV Steve Harrington, First Meetings, Sort Of, (yes i just love doing variations of their stories crossing over in high school), Missing Scene, Season/Series 02, High School, Exhaustion, Tired Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, in which Eddie goes from defensive to intrigued to concerned and perhaps a little charmed, i’m forever in love with ‘first’ meetings i can’t help myself, can’t help writing about winter in spring too apparently, Slice of Life, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, when thinking about what’s to come, One Shot, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, Banter, Post-Season/Series 02
Summary:
There’s a table in the school library that’s nestled in the corner, right by a radiator; Steve has claimed it ever since his double block of ‘private study periods’ began. Not that he’s planning on doing any studying: it’s the last day of school before the winter break, and while his face has healed up from the whole Billy Hargrove Incident, he still finds himself feeling wiped at random—like his body’s having a delayed adrenaline crash ever since he pulled Dustin out of that freaky vine-infested tunnel. So really, this spot should be ideal for a couple hours of not having to think. And it would be perfect, if his eyes weren’t instinctively drawn to movement at the front desk. Because for the past god-knows-how-long, Eddie Munson has been in a back-and-forth with the librarian.
Thanks for the rec!
This rec is a part of Challenge Monday. The challenge this week was Fics set in Season 2.
Know a fic that deserves extra love? Submit through our asks or the submission box!
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The Car's Outside.
𐙚 - he's not going in his Addison Lee.
PAIRINGS - bf!heeseung X reader
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MIMI'S NOTE: Hii! I have awakend from my eternal writers block!! i'm sorry i haven't posted a lot.. so here's a little blurb about he(e) and you! I wanted to experiment with some things, so it might feel off or weird :) I made this in de dead of night. so it's bound to have mistakes, typos, etc :) Please, do enjoy and don't hold back on feedback!
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Your hands trembled as you zipped up your suitcase. The soft hum of an engine outside your window made your heart skip a beat. You knew it was him. Taking a deep breath, you walked to the window. There it was- Heeseung's Acura RDX, parked under the streetlight. Just like it had been countless times before. But this time was different. This time was goodbye.
You grabbed your bag and made your way downstairs, each step feeling heavier than the last. You opened the front door, their eyes met. His face was a mixture of hope and resignation.
"Hey," he said softly, leaning against the car.
"Hi," You replied, your voice barely above a whisper.
They stood in silence for a moment, the weight of unspoken words hanging between them. Finally, Heeseung opened the passenger door.
"One last drive?" he asked.
You nodded, sliding into the familiar seat. As they drove through the quiet streets of their hometown, memories flooded back - first dates, late-night adventures, whispered promises of forever.
But forever had run its course.
Heeseung drove aimlessly, neither of them wanting the journey to end. They passed by the diner where they had their first date and the little bookstore where they spent countless Sundays browsing together.
"Remember when we got caught in that thunderstorm at the beach?" Heeseung asked, breaking the silence.
You couldn't help but smile. "How could I forget? We were soaked to the bone, but you still insisted on finishing our picnic under that tiny umbrella."
They both laughed, the sound bittersweet in the confines of the car.
As they approached the airport, the laughter faded, replaced by the heavy reality of what was to come. He pulled into the parking lot, killing the engine. The silence was deafening.
"I guess this is it," You said, your voice cracking.
Heeseung's hand reached for yours hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'll always love you, you know that, right?"
You nodded, tears streaming down your face. "I know. I'll always love you too."
They sat there for a moment, neither wanting to be the first to let go. Finally, you took a deep breath and reached for the door handle.
"Wait," Heeseung said, his voice urgent. He leaned over and kissed you softly, one last time. It was a kiss filled with all the words they couldn't say, all the memories they'd shared, and all the dreams they were letting go. "I don't wanna leave you anymore.."
When they parted, you saw tears in his eyes too. You never saw him this emotional, it broke your heart more than it needed to be. You carefully went over his cheek with your thumb.
"I promise, I'll come back.. Just.. we met at a wrong time, and you deserve more than I can offer.." Tears slowly started swelling in your eyes.
Both of you let go, knowing you couldn't turn back anymore. You opened his car door one last time, and took out your suitcase out his trunk, one final time.
Both of you couldn't stand the thought of seeing each other like this. Yet, you kept looking inside those tear-filled eyes. One final time, before leaving. Leaving him and his car, staying outside.
masterlist !!
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Schism
Summary: Combat boots :)
Pairing: Kappa x gn!Reader
Word Count: < 1k
Content Warnings: Degradation/Humiliation, It's Not BDSM With Them It's Consensual Violence, Petplay-ish, Allusions To Smut 18+!, Spit, Blood
A/N: This thing was prompted by this delightful post here! @chainsawgvtsfvck
Tagging: @starry-eyed-wild-child @blueberrypancakesworld
... sadly not Artie 🥲
@angelsanarchy Ash! Remember the screen caps you made for me last year? 🤩
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Pure intention juxtaposed
Will set two lovers' souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
Testing our communication
- Schism By Tool
“Down.” A simple, brief command cutting through the atmosphere like an angled razor blade.
And before the last letter had bounced off the walls you went down on all fours like the obedient little lap dog you were and Kappa watched you, the expression on his face unmoved but a certain flicker in his half-lidded eyes gave him away; the pride he felt for having trained you so well glazing over his retina.
You put your cheek to the unloving concrete floor, cold cement against flushed skin.
“Now that's what I call a good mutt.” Kappa snarled, front teeth grazing over a slightly chapped bottom lip, flakey skin getting caught and torn off as the faint, metallic taste of blood slithered over a prodding tongue.
You remained silent, well aware and knowing that he preferred it that way. Don't talk unless you are being demanded to.
He titled his head and a strand of stringy black curls fell into his face like a tantalizing pendulum, fixating all your attention on him, unbothered by how he stepped towards you, the thick soles of wrinkly, worn out combat boots clinking against the floor.
“You just know that I like to make myself comfortable, don't you pet?”, You nodded, gaze transfixed on his face to read every little whim or change of mood immediately, “Yeah, you do.”
Your eyes didn't flutter shut as he raised his right foot, shoelaces dangling along your mouth before he pressed down harsh enough for your jaw to crunch, bone holding on to the socket for dear life - a little more and it would probably just slip out. Yet, you didn't wince or howl out, no, you took what was given to you and you took with gratefulness and decorum.
Kappa leaned down, eyeing you properly for a few breaths, testing if you'd break and beg him to stop applying so much pressure to your pretty face, sniffling that you'd make it up to him, apologizing and insisting that you'd blow him until your jaw went slack from that instead but this time you didn't, even as he tilted his ankle until your lips dropped agape, flesh being squished between cement and the bendable vinyl rubber of his boots. Not a single sound to be heard from your mouth. He felt himself getting hard just by thinking about your whimpered apologetic pleas.
“I'm in a benevolent mood today, pet.” Kappa commented on himself as he reduced the force on your jaw swiftly after, however, still keeping his boot firmly plastered to your cheek.
His eyes narrowed down in a pretentious play of concentration, slender fingers reaching for the bootstraps before he began tying them in meticulous artistry, hole for hole, looping the cords through before tightening them up. Saliva started trickling from the corner of your mouth and pulling around your cheek in a damp, tacky puddle.
“Look at how well you do that for me, mutt.” He truly was in a giving mood today, so much so that he adorned your face with a quickly reddening imprint of his sole, ridge for ridge welting up from brow down to your chin.
A barely even there, merely articulated Thank You slithered past your lips in a moment of complete subspace bliss as he was to turn away from you.
“Huh?” Kappa bellowed more than spoke, eyes widening and brows arching in distrust.
You stared at him, hoping that he would let it slip but there was no letting it pass of you failing on the last crucial meters to the finish line.
“The fuck was that, mutt? I know ‘m not hearing voices.” Teeth teared across his bottom lip anew, agitated and gnashing, wanting to sink into something.
Instead, in a literal knee jerk reaction, his leg kicked forward, the steel cap of his combat boots drilling into your ribcage; blunt force trauma inevitable and you whined out as the dull pain spread into thinner, more agonizing roots.
Your whole body twitched and jolted together, arms flailing to grab at your knees and pull them to your chest in an attempt to shield you from further assault.
“I'm sorry, sir. Please.” You sniffled between a snotty nose and an tearing eyes, not the physical pain but the emotional despair from your own failure pulling the wash of moisture from your tear ducts.
“Please what, bastard? HUH?”, In an erratic gesture, Kappa rolled his head from shoulder to shoulder, “Hou makin’ demands now?!”
You shook your head fervently, biting the very tip of your tongue to shut the fuck up.
“I better fucking hope so!” He snarled at you before his tongue pushed between bottom lip and a row of slightly crooked teeth, gathering an amalgamation of spit and blood before ejecting the milky pink mixture right into your face.
“This will have consequences.”
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i keep forgetting to scribble the mothwoman i saw in my dream the other night... she was so big and beautiful...
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corvidat · 1 month
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BACK TO SCHOOL IN TEN DAYS AND FIRST RACE OF THE SEASON ON THE 24TH JUST KILL ME NOW
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widevibratobitch · 11 months
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my god. skinny people really just have like. No Idea huh just absolutely not a single clue lmao it's almost funny to watch fr but then id lie if i said i wouldn't fucking kill to be able to be that ignorant
#girl i am SO sorry people react with surprise when you say you're studying to be an opera singer because you're#*checks notes* skinny and attractive. so so sorry that must be literal hell for you huh how will you ever recover :((((#no no please keep talking about how equally bad that is to the brutal fucking fatshaming and ED glorifying#in the industry that me and the only other fat girl in the room were talking about before you interrupted us <3#anyway. we were talking about this one review of a quite famous professional music critic whose only comment about a fat mezzo in the cast#was 'miss xyz.... lose some weight'. not a single word about her singing/acting/whatever. but yeah no you're too sexy for an opera singer#and THAT is the real problem here girl i totally understand yeah <3 thoughts and prayers dearest.#earlier that same day this same girl was standing next to me in her bodycon dress and went#*pointing at her stomach that's so flat its almost concave* 'ughhhh what do i have to do to not look pregnant in this dress 😩😫'#and i said 'girl' and just looked at her and like the sudden horrified realisation on her face was lowkey hysterical#like omg you really did forget you're not talking to your other skinny friends with whom you can pat each other on the backs#and reassure each other that 'dw girl ur not fat at all ur so so sexy!' huh sjshsjshsjs#but yeah i dont like making people uncomfortable irl so i did reassure her she looks hot and pretty and skinny as all shit#let at least one of us have a nice evening and not feel Absolutely Fucking Disgusting ig <3#and the day before that after i saw our (last ever btw never photographing myself with them ever again <3) picture and had a mini break down#the other even skinnier and smaller and petite-er crouched down next to me with the most guilty fucking expression and quietly asked me#if im alright and do i want her to delete those pictures (that she posted on two separate social media pages) and like#the look of immense fucking pity on her was even worse than seeing those pictures#like i know she meant well and was trying to be nice but my god. this really is how you all see me huh#like looking like me would be fate worse than death for yall#not even gonna mention the thing i just learned this friday that the retired ballerina who leads our ballet classes said about me#trying to cheer up the other fat girl who happened to have a bit of an emotional breakdown in the middle of the class :)))))))#like i am sooooooo so glad and honoured to be an inspiration to you. really. always happy to help. the exemplary Fat Girl Who Fucking Sucks#But Doesnt Let It Bother Her <333333#like on one hand. yeah it really does make me wanna jump off a cliff. but on the other. its just hilarious sjdgsjsgsj#you sure are right miss ma'am. i sure don't let this bother me at all. i am famous for my uncanny ability to Not Be Bothered by all this <33#but shes new. its ok. how could she know about the last two years when i was getting panic attacks and sobbing myself to sleep every tuesday#but yeah no. [lauren cooper voice] am i bovvered? am i bovvered tho? i aint even bovvered!
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the-punforgiven · 7 months
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DISMAS BIBLE CAMP VICTORIOUS
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madamescarlette · 2 years
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You ever have to be like, "no babe you're not bone-breakingly heart-rendingly sad, you just had less than five hours of sleep"? Yeah.
#lack of light november really doing a number on me this year!#this is not a worry-for-me post btw. it's like that comic of the raccoon advising you to shower to eat or to sleep when upset#it's my last full week of being a student going about doing student activities and i keep doing things going what if that's the LAST time??#which i've been actively trying to avoid doing because when i left my old school i overdid it and i was actively mourning leaving my place#there for the last six months like someone constantly picking at a wound#and while it was the most beautiful time of my life and it might always be i really regret having spent so much#of my final moments there being sorry that it was final because i just grieved it! twice!#i grieved it afterwards and i grieved it beforehand and i kind of wasted my precious time grieving it beforehand#so this time i've been TRYING to practice restraint and not spend my time brooding and just be here instead!#and not say goodbye to every doorway and every leaf and every brick in the pathway until i'm actually saying goodbye#but it suddenly burst into proper fiery colors on all our foliage over the break and i came back and suddenly it was ablaze#with perfect color and i'm walking around this week with my hand on my heart going oh!!! i love you so much#thank you for sending me off like this!!! i loved being here with you!!#so. tis hard not to mourn. but till then there are papers to write and chapters to be read and then girl has to scurry#and write her daily poem before sleep#so it will be alright it will be alright <3 this i believe!#i may delete these tags later because they might be overshare-y or too despondent and not need to be said#but i figure where else can i pour out my heart into a lovingly enfolding void like this <3#happy Tuesday tumblr i love you all dearly!#thank you for all your tags today btw I will come back and reply to them tomorrow when i'm a bit clearer-minded#thinking out loud
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crvstybowlofcereal · 1 year
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this is a really specific vent(?) post. im processing things by putting them in words. its not serious, feel free to ignore me lol
i just want to say that a couple years ago when i was in the beginning stages of researching autism (and would soon realize i am most likely autistic) i was in a relationship. and communication in a relationship is So Very important to me. I would constantly ask how he was (obviously it was more specific to whatever situation was going on) and he would always say he was fine. If I had even the Slightest hint that he wasn't actually Fine (like 19 times out of 20) i would continue asking if he was sure and if he wanted to talk, and he continued to say he was fine. half the time i assumed he meant it and i read the situation wrong, the other half of the time i assumed he didn't want to talk about it.
he ended up breaking up with me because i
"didn't pick up on some things"
"what kind of things?" i asked
"idk, just, things."
and he had been talking to my friend (U) about our relationship, and telling her that i wasn't picking up on things. she got mad at me and we had a "fight" for a short time, she thought i was being a bad partner, and her sister (M) (who is toxic and possessive) felt like i wasn't spending enough time with her, so she complained about it to their mom, who got mad at U for it for some reason? so U also brought all that up, telling me M felt left out. (i wasn't leaving M out of anything, i was sitting with my partner at lunch half of the time, she was welcome to join, but didnt, looking back i think M has RSD and maybe i should have been more direct when moving to a new location to explicitly invite her) (U was also not in school at the time due to covid, so its not like i was spending more time with her over M, which is something M would get so upset about if she perceived it to be that way [she was incredibly possessive of me as a friend and the extent of it made me feel like an object tbh])
U never brought up the issues my partner talked about, because that's how we are, we don't make it known someone was venting to us, to respect their privacy, but it fueled her emotions during our "argument" so i really only heard her being mad at me for not including M, (which i later learned is because M's emotions were made to be her problem when they shouldn't have, this has been a running problem so it wasnt that surprising to learn) so i started spending more time with M, but it was school, and i had work, so schedules only allowed so much time, and any time I was with M (lunch and one class) was when i was also with my partner, but i had other classes with him so i assumed it was fine, but he started drifting away (also around a time i attempted to communicate something important about our relationship, which ended up making him uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything about it until we had a conversation after breaking up)
i was stuck in a place where i felt like no one around me communicated how they felt and still expected me to understand them and do what they wanted me to do
U and i recently reflected on this and realized my ex was a shitty communicator (he and his next partner also broke up because he didn't say how he felt and expected them [also most likely autistic] to... just kinda know ig?) and that she should have gotten my side of the story (she had no idea i was frequently checking on him and trying to get him to talk to me)
and that she wasnt actually upset at me about M, she was upset that people were making it her problem, and she was especially upset during this reflection to learn that M was not being left out at all, she was just doing That Thing again where she wanted me to be Her friend and Only Her friend.
U AND I ARE NOT MAD AT EACH OTHER FOR ANY OF THIS, I WAS NEVER MAD AT U AND U WAS ONLY MAD ABOUT HER PERCEPTION OF THE SITUATION, AND ONLY FOR A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME, EVERYTHING IS FINE
so basically i went like a year and a half thinking that people were rightfully mad at me and i was too self absorbed to pay attention to other peoples' emotions and i started learning how to read people again (clearly my body language research from middle school wasn't cutting it anymore) only for me to realize i just need people to be a little more direct that allistic people typically are, and those specific people were just being dogshit at communicating, (even for allistic people, relative to my needs)
anyways highschool post-covid was Really Fucking Weird and socially stressful for me
TL;DR reflecting on my communication needs not only not being met, but being far undershot for even a "normal" persons needs and how i was convinced I was the problem because of circumstances
#U and i are best friends and have been for 7 years now#U and M are twins#M and i barely talk anymore now that she has Other Friends (grateful tbh)#i know i previously brought up having an ex bf with messy hair and eyeshadow. this ex was Not Him#(my identity as a lesbian was shakey in highschool- i was figuring things out)#(i had several “girlfriends” in middle school (all lasting less than a week after the first because religious guilt))#(but in highschool i had two separate boyfriends and zero girlfriends)#oh god my first ex is such a fucking story but thats for another time#also the ex in this post was like. REALLY fucking obsessed with spiderman#it was great frfr#but it made anything spiderman related super weird for me for a like a year after the breakup#he broke up with me On our 7 month anniversary like right after school got out for summer#the next school year was awkward bc he was in one of my year long classes and we had a LOT of mutual friends#he also started dating his next partner like a week or two after breaking up with me#i was also pushing down ALL my emotions at this time so when i finally Let Myself Feel Things a couple months later i played Good 4 U a LOT#17 was a fucking weird year for me frfr#honestly ALL of my teenage years have been rough and i have never actually let myself acknowledge that before This Moment#and that feels really weird to say because im technically still a teenager#this post ended up way fucking longer than i thought it was gonna be#(also going back to the middle school “relationships” ive sorta-almost-dated a good handful of people#but i only consider 3 people to actually be “exes”)
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fridayyy-13th · 7 months
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^ live footage of me rn
#friday chats#tw vent#not like a super terrible vent or anything i'm just. tired. and mad at myself.#so like a couple weeks ago i was given an assignment for my british lit class right?#to write a research essay based on one of the texts we've studied this unit. two weeks to do it. easy peasy. sure.#i figure that's plenty of time and leave it to work on my other homework (bc there's always other homework i'm an honors student)#oh wow lookie there it's due this weekend! great! so i start work on it#and then i can't find any research to bolster the question i'd formulated. it would have just been my own analysis#and we're required to have four sources. so that's that out the window.#the weekend passes and i'm officially in ''late assignment'' territory#and it's the last week before spring break so i'm swamped w/other work and midterm tests and everything#so yesterday my friend and i call to work on ours together (we always proofread each other's stuff/give each other pointers and whatnot)#and i'm just lost on what my essay should be about. any sort of question i could explore.#she has something of an idea for hers but not much. so neither of us get ours done#the assignment fully closes tonight#so we try again. i manage a half-hearted intro paragraph with zero direction and one source#and then i just hit a wall. the sources i'm looking at don't give me any new insights or ideas and i've got nothing#with two hours to the deadline. so i'm thoroughly fucked#i keep trying and just. yeah no not a thing. and if you notice the timestamp on this post it's past 12am#guess who didn't finish his essay 🙃#this is the fucking SECOND TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. what the FUCK#fanTASTIC start to my spring break y'all. and the only way i can communicate the specific feeling i'm feeling is through a homestuck gif.#can i just sink into the earth. that'd be great#at least now that it's over i don't have to worry about it anymore. i mean there's the guilt obviously but i don't have to *worry*#God. my mom's gonna be pissed#if i follow this train of thought any further it's gonna fall down a spiral of responsibility and college and career stuff#and i don't want to deal with that right now#so i'm just gonna stop talking. and either go read an angsty fic and cry for catharsis or just go to sleep. we'll see#i hate getting all personal on the internet but i'd rather yell to the void than bottle it up so. here we are
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donghuamuqing · 2 years
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No pluto fic this time. Happy wip wednesday!
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gor3sigil · 2 months
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Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.
I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.
Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.
I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.
5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.
I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.
I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.
I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.
I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.
I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.
But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.
I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.
It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.
If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.
Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.
It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.
You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.
Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.
Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.
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