#so yesterday I was really angry at my great aunt because my grandma got off the phone with my great aunt and was just sobbing for like an

[madigoround]

I’m literally just venting below to get it out of my head feel free to ignore

[whatispersonalspacejyp]

Family Problems

Genre: angst... and a bits of fluff 

Pairing: Yang Jeongin x reader

Word Count: 1670

Summary:  Go around the list of family members of the reader with all kinds of problems, but luckily the reader has Jeongin by their side to make them smile again.

Warnings: death, Alzheimer, other sicknesses, insecurities, age gap

A/N: This is based on my family, everything in Italic are real life events. I needed to get it off of my chest as it all becomes to much.

From a young age you had a pretty normal childhood or that is what it seemed like. You had a small family, mom, dad. grandparents and a aunt and uncle. They were very accepting... for the most part.

Your grandmother had died on the age of 60, while you were just 10. She died in the hospital after another heart attack. No it’s not that the doctors were to late, it was her own choice. You and mom weren’t there as there was a tournament. Only to come home later to find your dad missing, sending him a happy text first, only to get a call later to tell them she died.  

You sat on the bed starting at the wall as another sleepless night was on it’s way.  You remembered doing this from a young age, ever since your grandmother died. Guilt was eating you alive. 

Jeongin was laying next to you, as you had a sleepover. He opened his eyes as he didn’t feel your warmth. “Y/N? Hey? What’s wrong?” You were softly crying as you were embraced by him. 

“I never said goodbye to her! Cause of a stupid tournament!” You cried out. You felt so guilty and weird, you never cried in front of him especially not at a sleepover. He holds you close to him as he tries to calms you down. You fell asleep in his arms like always when he was there with you.

After your grandmother died, secrets came out of the bag. She smoked, got diagnosed with cancer and what for you the biggest shock was that your grandfather wasn’t your actual grandfather. He had adopted your dad from. He wasn’t planned, it was all a mistake. A crime that was hidden away.

Your grandfather always stayed the kind man he was, but it was clear he was missing things. He didn’t have a wife anymore who tells him to do stuff. His mental state clearly went backwards, being diagnosed with Alzheimer and quickly going into a elderly home. you haven’t seen him in nearly half a year now, because of difficulties.

You look at Jeongin before your eyes went back on the road. “Jeongin? I’m nervous, I haven’t seen him in a while... I don’t even know if he remembers me.” The two of you got into the elderly house and walks to your grandpa. “Hello, do you remember me?” The elderly male looks up and looks confused. “Do I know you? You know you look like my daughter in law.” This made you tear up. “That’s my mom, I’m your grandchild.” The man looks in shock and went back to confused.

“Do I know you? And you young man do I know you” You grab his hand with a sad smile. “Grandpa it’s me y/n and this is my boyfriend Jeongin.” You two stayed for ten more minutes before leaving again. “Now you know why I don’t want to visit him. I love him dearly, but for him I do not exist. And it’s painful...” 

You look out of the window. “At least he’s still happy, even if he doesn’t recognize me anymore.”

You still had your other grandparents, but things weren’t always great with them. You were in good terms with your grandmother, but the bound with your granddad was different. They were judgmental and slightly racists at times, but your grandmother could accept it more. You died your hair blue years ago and the disproved stares where pointed at you. You see, a few years before that he fell of his bike, you all thought he had some kind of concussion, but was never proven as it was never tested. 

It was painful to hear, nearly every year you get a call that he had an accident again with the bike. It was years later that you could see the damage done to his brain. He was no fun anymore and over emotional. Crying at nearly everything. 

Around a year ago he had an operation to get an artificial knee. You remember clearly how your friend wasn’t thinking by saying. ‘You know you can die while having an operation, it happens a lot with old people.’ Well that broke the friendship as there were major problems with the anesthesia. In stead of an epidural he needed the full anesthesia. Which had brought even more damage to him. And a few weeks ago he fell off the bike again, he didn’t see a car and got hit. He got lucky with just two broken ribs. Saying stuff like. “I got really lucky! It’s my own fault. I should have been dead...”

“Yeah we need to go the dinner! My grandpa will go crazy is we won’t come.” You yelled at Jeongin, trying to grab your stuff as quickly as possible. Jeongin walks towards you and kisses your head. “Yeah, yeah. You are lucky that I do find them nice, despise how racist they can be at times.” Jeongin ruffles your hair and grabs the car keys. 

It was a short drive to the restaurant, but once arriving you could see their looks.

“Sorry, we are a bit late.” You noticed that your aunt and uncle weren’t here yet, which made you feel a bit better. You two sat down and immediately started talking. “So how are you and your Chinese boy?” Grandma asked.

You immediately looked disappointing. “He’s Korean, but we are doing fine!” You said smiling even though you were angry. They did their best to communicate with him, but there was a language barrier which made it slightly harder. 

Once the others arrived you all ordered food, you were holding Jeongin’s hand through the whole dinner. Your grandpa was very nerve wracking by wanted to leave or ask for a waiter if someone didn’t have any to drink anymore. 

But in the end it was a nice dinner, there were a few comments on which you showed disapproval. “Well that could have been worse, but that man is so nerve wracking, it’s very clear he’s not used to sitting down and just talk.” You complained while walking to the car to get home.

Your aunt is a real complainer and a gossip girl. Every day it’s something new to complain about, then it’s her work or her friends. It get’s really annoying after a while, even to the point where you were celebrating if you didn’t see her in a few weeks. 

Your uncle was very chill, but slightly paranoid when it came to gems. His older age made it even worse. Your aunt didn’t really care about that, cause she is 10 years younger. She did have asthma but she made it clear she wasn’t afraid of dust.

“Jeongin I tell you! She is not going to give the party when not everybody comes! She loved the attention.” You said looking at your phone. 

“See I told you so.” You showed him a text message with that she was going to put her birthday party on a other date. 

“I wouldn’t have expect something else anyway.” You hugged Jeongin and started to kiss him passionately when you get another text from your aunt with the same information as before.

“I’m telling you she will send everybody a text, both in group chats and personal.” At that moment Jeongin’s phone went off and got the same text from your aunt. 

“I told you so!” You yelled laughing. “Well the positive thing is that I don’t have to worry about her now and the party. Cause it made me go crazy!” Jeongin smiled at you and throws you on the couch to cuddle.

“You know, they are planning on coming this weekend, we should clean. You know how uncomfortable he get’s if it’s not fully clean.” You whined out as you didn’t like cleaning that much.

You and your mom were like a roller coaster. Then you were best friend and then you were each other enemies, but the last few months being each other enemies was more often then being friends. You drove each other crazy. In her eyes you weren’t allowed to be angry or pissed off, while she could scream at you at any time. She started demanding more and more, which made you lock yourself in your room. She would come in from time to time. 

Your mom had made a few comments about you being overweight and needed to get skinnier. She just doesn’t understand you at all, what she could see as playful could be hurting for you, no matter the pained expressions she never stopped. 

She made you feel even more insecure, you didn’t trust her anymore with something important. She never listens, if you say she must not do it she does, which makes you angry and it leads to her ignoring you for the rest of the day expecting an apology she will not get. 

Your dad was a sweet man, he always tried his best to break of any fight you had with your mom. But you feel scared of him, you didn’t want to make him angry at all. You remembered the reason as if it happened yesterday. You mom and dad were fighting, screaming about dinner. She made when he threw a glass to her head.

It made you afraid of shattering glasses or screaming

You were walking around the park with Jeongin as it was your guys date. You hold his hand as you walked. There was a man screaming loudly at some kids and your first reaction was clinging onto Jeongin.

He didn’t say anything and he made sure you were away from it quickly and found a nice place where you two could see the horizon. Jeongin put the blanket down and then the backpack with food.

“You know Jeongin? I really love you, you accept me for who I am and my crazy family. They really like you even if they won’t say it out loud.” You said smiling as you looked at the horizon.

Tag list: @vampireskzz @kpopwritist

[atomic--peach]

Southern Saying

 Because it’s not just Australia that has weird saying.

Cadiwampus: slightly crooked or messed up

“Does this picture frame look cadiwampus?”

Cadycorner: not quite next to, kind of diagonal to something.

“They live cadycorner to me”

Way out yonder: Someplace far off, usually at least 20-45 minutes outside of town

“Wow, you live way out yonder”

Dagnabit: A more polite version of God Dammit. (Also see Dagumit)

“Dagnabit! I burnt the cookies”

Goober: an unpleasant or annoying person or another word for a penis. sometimes used playfully for a child

“What a goober!”

Fixin’ to: Going to or getting ready to do something or go somewhere.

“I’m fixin’ to fry up some eggs, do you want some?”

Ugly as homemade sin: used to describe something particularly ugly, like your great aunt’s couch or your sister’s wedding dress

“That paint in her parlor is ugly as homemade sin”

Jerk a knot in your tail: Scold someone, something your mama threatens to do to you if you don’t stop acting a fool

“I’m fixin’ to jerk a knot in your tail if you don’t straighten up”

As all get out: Completely or ridiculously

“He’s rich as all get out”

Can you carry me to___?: Can you take me to this location?

“Can you carry me to the hair salon?”

Gussied up: Dressed up, looking your best.

“What are you all gussied up for?”

Just fell off the turnip truck: Stupid or gullible.

“Does he think I just fell off the turnip truck or something?”

A month of sundays: A long time; how long it’s been since you called your aunt.

“I haven’t seen you in a month of sundays”

Mosey: To go or get along.

“I’ll just mosey on over to the bar while i wait for you.”

What on God’s Green Earth?: What in the world?

“What on God’s Green Earth are you talking about?”

Fifty-leven: The under of times your mama told you something

“I done told you fifty-leven times you needed to get your oil changed”

You can’t ride two horses with one ass: You can’t do two things at once.

“I know you wanted to run track and play football, but you can’t ride two horses with only one ass”

Up one side and down the other: Completely like something, very similar.

“She’s her mama up one side and down the other”

All-yins: Similar to Ya’ll or all ya’ll.

“Get out of my house and go play somewhere, all-yins!”

Like you own cotton in Augusta: being lazy or unproductive.

“Don’t just sit around like you own cotton in Augusta, get a job!”

The Sun don’t shine on the same dog’s tail all the time: You won’t always have good luck.

“You’re smiling now, but remember; the sun don’t shine on the same dog’s tail all the time”

Shake the dew off your lily: Hurry up, a polite version of “shake the piss off your dick”

“Shake the dew off your lily and get out here to see your grandma!”

Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs: Very anxious or skittish.

“Waiting for my test score, I’m nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs”

Sweating like a whore in church: Sweating a lot, either from the heat or from nerves.

“It’s so hot, I swear I’m sweating like a whore in church!”

Don’t act ugly: Don’t be unpleasant.

“I don’t care if she’s sleeping with a married man, don’t act ugly”

Bless her cotton socks: A version of Bless her heart, usually used in pity/ amusment.

“Her brothers took her on a snipe hunt, bless her cotton socks”

That dog won’t hunt: That thing won’t do what you want it to, and you can’t make it.”

“I tried to get my TV working, but that dog won’t hunt”

Eat the south end of a north bound goat: Something gross or disgusting but you’re too hungry too care.

“My son used to be so picky, but now he’d eat the south end of a north bound goat.”

Seven ways to Sunday: Completely, all around.

“I know I’m supposed to go to the PTA meeting, but that yoga class wore me out seven ways to Sunday.”

Slap you to sleep, then slap you for sleepin’: Unreasonable, extremely annoyed or angry.

“You can’t please my manager, she’ll slap you to sleep and then slap you for sleepin’“

Kick your butt to Christmas and dare you to walk back: Beat you up and dare you to mess up again.

“If you throw that football in my house again I’ll kick your butt to Christmas and dare you to walk back!”

Useless as a screen door in a submarine: Something worse then useless.

“Johnny want to go hunting with his daddy, but as loud as he is he’d be as useless as a screen door in a submarine”

Anybody’s dog that’ll hunt her: A promiscuous person, or a person with low standards

“She can says she’s picky, but she’s anybody’s dog that’ll hunt her”

Faster than a knife fight in a phone booth: Moving fast or quickly.

“He’s on a diet, but when the pie was served he was on it faster than a knife fight in a phone booth” (Also see “a one legged man at a butt kicking contest”)

Shit’n’get: Got fast, do something with haste.

“You took twenty minutes to do your hair, so we’ve gotta shit’n’git if we’re going to get there on time”

Messed in your Easter bonnet: Done something embarrassing in public”

“I told you not to talk to his new wife at the church barbecue, but now you done messed in your Easter bonnet”

Couldn’t pay respect: Being broke, out of money.

“I know I just got paid, but now I’m so broke I couldn’t pay respects”

Depress the devil: something an extremely negative person could do.

“I hope Karen won’t be there, bless her heart but she’s so negative she could depress the Devil”

Hunt Geese with a rake: something really tall people are said to do.

“That girl on Kate’s basketball team is so tall, she could hunt geese with a rake”

____ The fool out of___: To do something really effectively.

“Shit! I just cut the fool out of my finger!”

The Hell you say!: A saying of disbelief.

“Jessica found her boyfriend doing what?! The Hell you say!”

More than a hat rack/ More than a coat rack: Use your head or your brain, or put some elbow grease into something.

“It’s a push door bot a pull, try using your head for more than a hat rack”

“It’s not that heavy, use your body for more than a coat rack!”

You know not: You don’t know the half of it, usually used during gossip sessions.

“I heard Mary is sending her daughter to charm school” “Oh you know not”

Snockerpussed: Drunk

“Slow down! The last thing you need is to get snockerpussed”

Rub some whiskey on it from the inside: Drink and you’ll feel better

“You’ve got a back ache? Try rubbing some whiskey on it from the inside.”

Beats all I ever did see: Seeing something strange or ridiculous.

“Did you see what happened to Mary Jo’s roof? Beats all I ever did see”

Shootfire!: An expression of frustration

“Shootfire! My car’s got a flat tire!”

Hitch in your giddy up: Walking strange for one reason or another.

“I spent all day in the garden yesterday, and now I’ve got a hitch in my giddyup.

Tore up from the floor up: an absolute mess.

“Did you see her after the block party last night? The girl was tore up from the floor up.”

Too busy to cuss the cat: too busy to be bothered by something small.

“Bake sale? Girl, with football season and graduation coming up, I’m too busy to cuss the cat!”

Like a chicken with it’s head cut off: Running around frantically or hysterically.

“She found out there’s a project due tomorrow and now she’s running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off”

You can’t swallow a quarter and crap a dollar: You can’t take poor quality and make it better.

“I know you said you can change him, but you can’t swallow a quarter and crap a dollar Darlin’”

That’s their tale, I sit on mine: Just because they’re gossiping, doesn’t mean I will.

“Is that what she said? Well, that’s her tale, I sit on mine thank you very much”

Too big for your britches: Acting more important that you are.

“Since you got that promotion, you’ve been acting too big for your britches”

Scare the beard off Jesus: Something particularly startling or disturbing.

“Did you see what color her daughter died her hair? Why it would scare the beard off Jesus!”

Act like you got some raisin’: Act like you had good parents. Don’t act wild.

“What are you doing with your shoes on my couch?! Act like you got some raisin!”

Useless as tits on a bull: Not only is it useless, it doesn’t make an sense.

“I love these new jeans, but these tiny little pockets are as useless as tits on a bull”

Been done gone: have been gone for a while now.

“John? He moved out of town a year ago, he been done gone.”

Within a gnat’s ass: way too close. usually used in dangerous situations.

“I came withing a gnat’s ass of cussin’ her out.”

Does a cat have climbing gear?: A obvious question with an obvious answer (Also see “Is a frog’s ass watertight” and “Does a one legged duck swim in a circle”_

“Do I want to go to the football game? Does a cat have climbing gear?”

A Job that don’t pay: a waste of time.

“Girl don’t even think about it, that man’s just another job that don’t pay”

Could kill knee high cotton: Something that smells really bad.

“She’s a pretty girl, but her breath could kill knee high cotton!”

Only got one oar in the water: Not all there, a little crazy.

“She’s only got one oar in the water, bless her heart”

Plumb: Extremely, completely and totally.

“You don’t need to be out there acting plumb crazy”

Like a cat’s been sucking on it: stringy, thin, unhealthy or ugly looking.

“Ew, my hair looks like a cat’s been sucking on it”

Tuck your tongue behind your teeth, you’re crazy’s showin’: Stop talking, you’e starting to sound insane.

“Tuck your tongue behind your teeth, your crazy’s showin’. I think you’ve had enough to drink”

My stars in heaven: Oh my God

“Oh my stars in heaven, have you seem these china patterns?”

Like a bag of cat’s fighting: what you look like in unflattering clothes.

“Darlin’ I love you, but your butt looks like a bag of cat fighting to get out in those jeans”

Backsass: Back talk, something that will get you whooped.

“Don’t you back sass me, I’ll whoop your ass”

Even Jesus can’t save you: you’re in big trouble, not even the the Lord can save you. 

“Your mama found out what you did last night, not even Jesus can save you now”

[psi-groovin]

a really long ramble about mostly nothing but sort of about what’s been going on in my life: a short novel

What the hell am I doing with myself.

I just sit and wait everyday everyday everyday everyday wait wait wait waiting waiting wait gonna sit and wait til Halloween. All the decorations are up I put them up myself on September 30th and I wore really bad shoes while doing it so it felt like I was walking on bone after multiple hours of stringing lights and small ghosts made out of old marching band t-shirts.

Well here we are. October 10th. I turn 23 in two days. Tonight I gotta go over to my old high school and help coach the color guard cos I said I’d do that about a month and a half ago but I’m finding that they don’t really need my help at all. Also being back there with all those people is just triggering some sort of ptsd in me. I get frustrated and thrust right back into the fray of being in high school with a bunch of girls who don’t give a shit and some who are only there to try and show off. The ones who only talk about band. The Academy, Blue Devils, etc. I don’t know what else to call them except for show-offs. “Look how dedicated I am to this I spent thousands of my parent’s dollars to stand in the back of the field and wave a flag around.” Yeah, good for you. Is that money well-spent? Did you learn anything at all? “Oh this is how we do it at The Academy.” Well guess what, this isn’t The Academy anymore. You’re back in high school with our marching band. This is how we do it here.

See, ptsd. That shit isn’t even related to what I’m dealing with now at the high school. I just keep getting thrust back 4-5 years and experience the same frustrations I did then.

No, now it’s more like I just feel useless. I’m not really good enough (or I guess I don’t have enough training) to be a good coach, but at the same time sometimes I’m the only one helping the girls while the instructors just sit and watch?? But most of the time I just sit there and wait for the head coach to tell me to do something, like repping a certain flag routine while he goes and checks on the weapon line.

I just don’t know. I don’t want to do it anymore but I’m also really fuckn tired of sitting there for two hours while I do nothing. Honestly, it’s probably my fault and I should take some initiative but its something that’s so against my nature that I can’t bring myself to do it. I think the other coaches are afraid of me cos I don’t really talk much. I really just want to quit helping, but I said I’d help and I hate to back out and potentially let them down, even though it seems like they couldn’t care one way or another if I lived or died. So here I am.

It’s currently 5 in the morning. I sent off an application to an airline in Tucson so I’ll be going down there for an interview on the 19th. But it’s in Tucson so I think they’re hiring specifically for Tucson, so I might not be able to do this. Unless I am able to move to Tucson which I don’t really want/have the means to do.

I’m frustrated. I’m in life’s waiting room. I get called in to do one thing and then I have to go back to the waiting room and wait wait wait wait wait o shit look it’s yer birthday woohoo alright let’s go back and wait some more o shit look it’s Halloween.

How do I break this cycle.

How do I break off a piece of that kit-kat bar.

My sister and I went to the store sometime last month around midnight because we were craving cake and were surprised to find that Fry’s was doing a flash sale on Halloween candy. We bought a bag of snickers and kit-kat. The snickers are all gone now.

Whenever we buy Halloween candy we always get one of those big ass mixed bags from Costco but you gotta make sure you get the mixed bags without twizzlers in them cos otherwise everything in the bag will taste/smell like licorice and it ruins the taste of the chocolate so we get a mixed bag of chocolate stuff mostly and I make sure to take out all the snickers and save them for myself cos I’m just a freak for that peanuty nougaty chocolatey goodness.

Kills my teeth though.

I drank some red wine tonight because I have cramps and I read somewhere that red wine helps so I drank some and my teeth got stained a nasty color. It’ll probably just brush off but it was nice to see my teeth turn about the same color as Chop Top’s from Chainsaw 2.

Speaking of Chainsaw, someone commented on the Chop Top/Nubbins drawing I did that’s on Redbubble. Something about how he wished he could assault anyone who would “buy this gay shit.” I deleted the comment of course. I thought about flagging it and reporting it but I didn’t want to trouble RB. Now if the guy comments on my shit again with some more offensive and horrible stuff like that, then I’ll report it.

I’m not upset, per say, by it, but it is a little upsetting to me. The whole situation. Like there are still people out there who are homophobic and insecure enough in their niche genre fandoms that they get offended when I draw a cute picture of two wacky brothers from some famous horror movies?? For real? That’s what’s upsetting to me. The horror fandom tends to be a little elitist, like the metal fandom is famous for. Like… did what I draw bother someone so much they felt the need to comment THAT on it?? What the hell, dude. Just live and let live. For fucks sake.

Am I mad? Not really. Just upset. And like I said, I’m upset because that guy’s way of thinking still exists. I’m not mad that he didn’t like it. I’m mad that he was upset enough to comment some angry shit on it. Like just move on.

Have I beaten this topic to death yet?

My sister got a call from a company in Virginia that if she gets the position, she’s gonna move out there. I want to go with her too. Get a job at Chipotle to help pay the rent. Then continue the airline search.

I don’t know much about Virginia, but I’m pretty much willing to move anywhere as long as it’s not Phoenix or Tucson. Sedona’s gorgeous, Kingman’s gorgeous.. like whenever I have to drive back to Phoenix I want to die. Why does anyone live here it’s a fuckn horrible mass of gray and brown. It’s hot, everyone is angry, traffic is terrible 80% of the time .. why does anyone choose to live in Phoenix. Everywhere else in Arizona is like “ohh, this is why people move and live here.” but PHOENIX… Phoenix can shove a rosebush up its ass.

Grandma’s not doing so good. I meant to ask dad about her today because yesterday he said she went to the ER. We went up to visit her for her birthday and the whole trip was really stressful but it might’ve been extra stressful because I was probably PMSing. We hung up some pictures in her apartment so it looks more like a home, but its still kind of exhausting being around her, especially because she complains a lot. My aunt who takes care of her is always so stressed out with her. I feel for her.

I don’t know. I also didn’t get much sleep because we all shared a room and my sister and dad were snoring really fuckn loud. I kept waking up before my alarm and then thinking I had overslept and then looked at the clock and it had only been like a minute or not even. It was a plus though when we went back to the hotel after dinner with grandma and caught about half of a Jeff Lynne’s ELO concert in Hyde Park on tv. That was pretty groovy.

Also the first night we were there we walked across the street and got a bunch of French fries for a midnight snack and there were two girls in the restaurant who I was facing and they were singing along to some song on their phone and I caught their eyes and they couldn’t stop laughing. So then when I caught their eye again when they were singing/dancing in their seats I started dancing too and they broke up laughing all over again. When they left they waved at me, smiling. I felt good.

If I was in high school I’d feel really insecure about the whole situation. I’d have thought they were judging me or something. I know now that they weren’t. We just had a good moment together and I’m really happy about it. I’m smiling as I type this. I’ve grown a lot since high school.

What the fuck have I been doing for the past month besides all this random rabble I’ve been talking about? Is anyone going to fucking read this? Besides me? This feels really good to type, by the way. This is something I like to call Mind Masturbation, where your brain just shits out all it’s thoughts through your fingers. It feels soooooooooo good and my brain just feels .. clean. Like I’ve gone in there with a toothbrush and massaged all the old shit that’s been building up in there. It feels cool and fresh, like when you get your shoulders massaged. Healthy blood flow.

Anyways, the entire past month has been mostly me mourning the death of Tobe Hooper. I’ve since been catching up on all the works of him I’ve missed and crying my eyes out that we lost such an adorable and really thoughtful (and I mean that in the sense that he thought about things a lot, stuff people don’t normally consider. Like he stepped back a lot and looked at everything and just thought about it. Magnificent. You don’t get that much in people it seems) man. Body Bags was great, and I love John Carpenter as the Coroner and Tobe Hooper’s own cameo toward the end. The Apartment Complex was also fantastic and I just love it and I wanted to see if I could buy it on dvd but it seems its only really available on vhs which is .. neat but also pretty worthless to me. I highly recommend The Apartment Complex, if anyone has read this far. It’s a fuckn delight.

I think I’ve probably jerked off my brain enough to where there’s not much else that’s weighing on my mind anymore. I feel a lot better than I did about 30 minutes ago. I was all wound up and stressed, and now I’m a little less wound up and stressed. I feel slightly better. Writing shit like this really does help get it out of your head.

Well, to anyone who bothered to read this, I hope you found some enjoyment because this was mostly just for me. I hope it wasn’t a complete waste of time. Now you know what I’ve been up to sort of lately and why I haven’t really been on tumblr. Sometimes you just need a really long break. It probably feels longer than it actually has been but that’s another thing: the days feel like they’re crawling by as I wait in life’s waiting room.

We’ll stop there before this thing ends up being a novel.

Thanks for stickin around. Love you all. Glad we could all witness me jerkin off my brain today.

[behappyandfree-blog2]

What is love? why cant we let things go?

What is love? Why are we here? Why can't we let things go? Why can't we live in the moment ? why are we always comparing to things we don't have or to things that have already happened? Why are wishing or craving for things that are unnecessary? I go through this struggle daily. Or at least once a month. I come from a rough upbringing to basically always being alone. In and out of toxic relationships and never fully taking care of myself. Always taking care of others . keeping myself busy so i don't have to face reality causing my own sickness in my mind…. That comes out and through my body. I am a recovering addict of 9 years , and even tho i have such a long time clean ….. It doesn't feel like it. For some reason i still struggle. I can never get myself going back to drugs but sometimes i just want to numb myself and there is nothing i can do . I am a yoga instructor and i heal people ….. But some days i get so stuck i can't even think nor thinking about healing myself. I get stuck standing in  front of this giant brick wall , that the wall is so tall it evaporates into the clouds…. Up and up …. That i just can't see a way over the wall. Who put that wall there? I did …. I put that there .Instead of just stepping back and looking at how far i have come. And where i am now. All the people that i inspire and that look up to me and listen to my motivating words and yet…. I can't even listen to my own words …. Why …. Why is that so hard for me ? Where did this come from….. From being so clear headed and drug free for 9 years …. I still sometimes feel like it's my first week clean … without numbing myself. But how so and why. I was always carefree growing up….. Never cared…. Never cared how i looked how much i weighed what people thought of me …… never let anyones nasty comment get to me i never cared . But my mother HATED that and drilled into my head that i was to careless and i should ALWAYS CARE always care care care care care care. Could that be why i care too much? Could my mom tormenting me about my weight growing up…. And into a relationship i got into in my later years? About my weight to care too much about my appearance ? is that why i finally admit now that i am 28 battling with an eating disorder since i was 15? I finally admitted to having a problem . Some days i feel really beautiful and some days i just want to take a blade to my skin and cut off all my imperfections !!!!!! that I teach a class and sometimes i can't stop staring myself and seeing something else i hate on my body instead of admiring something on my body? I need to stop letting my past haunt me ……. But battling a disorder of the sick mind is rough for me …. I want to be carefree just how i was in high school not giving two fucks ever …. However i was angry . But i never cared into growing into caring too much. Is it too late for me to change now … no…. Because it's my life . I have been on my own for 11 years. Never borrowed money from anyone in my family worked hard … always took care of myself bought anything i wanted and want … do whatever I want …. And if i'm not happy…. Learning still to remove myself out of situations that are unhealthy for me. Even if that means not having a relationship with my mom and my sister . Yes you only have one mom and one sister. However they are the ones that hurt you the most why have them in your life. Why am i typing about them right now ? Clearly i'm still having a hard time letting that situation go .  But why ….because every son or daughter wants a relationship with their sibling or parent… craving for attention you will never get. But why crave ? why do we do this . Are humans the only species that do this ? do animals crave? Aliens? We are all made up of particles from the universe . We are only energy and i can't keep letting my thoughts control the way i feel. Sending shitty vibrations out to the universe so shit comes back. I stress my self out for what? I battle with myself about eating for what? To drive myself fucking crazy because that's all i fucking know? Is to drive my self crazy!!! With anything. I finally grew balls after 7 years to get out of someone who used me for my money and my house and to be a fucking mom to. Why did it take me 7 fucking years and 25k . There is no reason why it happened and that's it and i accept it. Life is always a lesson and i have to stop thinking that everything is a shitty lesson , because as much as we think this horrible things happened into our life in the past things we wish we can take back or change in anyway. But if we changed the slightest thing our lives can go a completely different way . I should stop beating myself up and just live. Sometimes people i know can be so present that i think it freaks me out at times , but why does that freak me out … am i attached to much to the past … that i can't understand how maybe some people don't at least think of something that happened in the past… whether a song comes up and brings up memories .. anything ? I'm not knocking anyone i truly admire that…. Truly letting go… truly being present , will i ever get there yes. Am i present now yes. Am thinking of anything now of early today or yesterday no because it's fucking gone and done with . And I am here now….. Not letting these negative thoughts take over my mind and body anymore im done im fed up i don't have energy for this. I am learning and so is everyone else. I need to learn that people have negative energy and i need to learn how to separate mine from others. I need to let people go through emotions friends and your significant other. They have there own demons and own battles they could be facing . You dont know whats going on in there mind just like they don't know what crazy ass shit my mind is thinking of. I need to realize and tell myself It's FUCKING OKAY . IT'S NOT YOU AUDREY why the fuck do you always think it's you. Why the fuck do you think it always has to be you it's not. You're okay you're alive you're breathing your have manifested your dream to teach have your own place you're traveling your pretty and your healthy you are head piercer your father is alive you have a great aunt a great grandma great friends ….. Friends that have stuck by you through so much ….. A great boyfriend and there is so much so be grateful for . So i must say wake the fuck up stop caring so damn much and just fucking live because if you don't fucking live RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW you will continue to miss out … acknowledge if you have negative thoughts it's okay…. Dont dwell let IT FUCKING GO AND NOT LET IT CONTROL YOU . IT'S YOUR LIFE … I am creating my happiness and my environment with every blink i take with every thought i make . I have it all ! and For that I am grateful i love my self i love my body I am enough ! and i am perfect and carefree with no negative thoughts and i am fucking perfect JUST AS I AM !!!!!!

[perfectlittlesatellites]

October 3, 2018

I’ve had a really long day of running around. Grading during free periods, ending my day with 3 classes in a row and office hours, driving down to the hospital for a staff meeting and then back to school for the Freshman Parent Guidance Meeting, which I was asked to attended and have been hounded about for a month and have always received grief for not attending the evening session, only for Mark to ask me when I arrived, “What are you doing here?” because I was the only advisor to show up. The rage-filled live-texting  I did was an excellent sample of the pettiness of school idiocy and politics, (and the violence of my creative streak).

I get home and S looks very grave and says he has to tell me something, and he didn’t want to tell me earlier because he knew the type of day I was having. He starts talking about my grandmother, who beat breast cancer-but we found out a year or so ago (when she fell and broke her hip) that her numbers were up, and it turned out the cancer was back and had metastasized in her bones. It’s terminal. We know that. She has been slowly but steadily declining in the two years since she broke her hip, but she’s also 86. She recently began experiencing difficulties urinating, got catheterized 2 weeks ago, and her urologist told my mom and my grandparents earlier this week at their appointment that the bladder itself is fine, but the issue could be tumors in her spine compressing her bladder, so they now have another appointment scheduled with her oncologist to get a prognosis. 

All of which I knew-except, obviously, that last part, about spinal tumors and worse cancer news. Because despite telling me she’d keep me posted, when we talked this week my mother said everything’s “fine, nothing new.”

That information slipped out to S in a conversation with my brother yesterday morning, when when S let him know that our mom had specifically not mentioned that news, G turned white, looked sheepish, indicating to my husband that there was a reason I hadn’t been told, and that he had fucked up by sharing that information.

Needless to say, I’m fucking furious. 

This has been my relationship with my parents and G more and more since moving out, reaching a really noticeable point about 4 years ago. My mom had called my at work one night and told me the cancer was back and that it getting into her bones was terminal. My voice shook a little when I asked about prognosis and next steps, and my mom said to me, “There’s no use crying about it. She’s in her 80′s. She’s had a good run. However long we have her, we have her.”

Like she’s a horse we’re sending out to pasture or something, and like I was unstable to react otherwise. This is where the alienation began to shift, and slowly turned into secret-keeping.

Like the dozen or so times over the last 2 years that my parents and G would have dinner out with my grandparents (and sometimes my aunt, if she was down from MA) and were eating 10 minutes away from our house and never thought to ask if S and I would like to be included, only to talk casually about it the next time we talked. Or my cousin’s autism diagnosis, which I had called 2 years beforehand anyway as a possible explanation for his over-stimulation and social lag. Or my older cousin’s anxiety diagnosis that eventually came out of all the GI tests he had done. At their anniversary dinner 2 weeks ago, my mom super conspicuously ducked out to our living room to take a phone call. After a few minutes I got a sinking feeling it was about my grandmother, since they had cancelled with us last minute because of her ER visit, and she looked like she got caught in a drug deal when I entered the room, only to tell me that she was getting an update from her cousin on my great aunt, who had been in the hospital and was being discharged to a rehab. And even then, that day it had taken all sorts of awkwardness and borderline aggression to get the information about my grandmother. My grandfather left me a message simply stating he was canceling and wouldn’t answer the phone when I called back to communicate my regret about it. So I called home and no one answered. When I texted G and asked what was going on, he hemmed and hawed and pretended not to know anything (because he was buying time to text/call my mom), who then called me from the beach and still resisted telling me what was happening until I pushed. So this whole keeping me out of the loop about family business has been building and building, and now it’s got me pissed off. Because it’s like since I don’t live under the same roof anymore, that dynamic I had always pushed back against-like my mom, dad, and G are family and I’m not-has just escalated, and now I’m not privy to any information whatsoever.

It’s like I’m no longer family-or at least truly family-because I was married and out of the house by 26, and did what I was supposed to by leaving the nest. And while before when we were kids G woudn’t stick up for me, but cling nervously to his position as the favorite, he is willingly watching me be cut out of this family-like, surgically, participating in the secrecy towards me and not really questioning it more than a superficial shrug.

So my dad bullies me with or without an audience, my mom and brother allow it, and my mom and brother block me from knowing what’s going on in the family, like I don’t have a right to be a part of it.

What. The. Fuck.

All because I got a little choked up when my mom dropped the bomb on me at work that my grandmother’s cancer was back when she had been cancer-free for so long?

Or is it because I cry at all?

Because here’s the thing: I know my grandma will likely not be with us much longer, especially if this tumor hypothesis ends up being true. If she has to be permanently catheterized, she will become demoralized, depressed, and give up, and she will deteriorate even faster. I know her well enough to know that. I don’t need a medical degree to get that.

And when she eventually passes away, I will cry. I will mourn the loss of my only grandmother that I really knew. I will miss her. I will grieve the impossibility of her getting to meet the next Eileen, her great granddaughter, and it will suck that she, my mom, my baby and I will not ever get to all be together. That sucks. I will shed a tear for the fact that when she and Grandpa went to Florida, and when mom and dad made up their minds about me, this altered the course of my relationship with her for a long time, and what it could have been, which I’ve only recently been able to enjoy. That we weren’t closer, especially as I became a woman and an adult. Sure I will.

Because I’m a fucking human being.

But I’m not going to lose my shit. I won’t be fucked up about it. Because I realized a while back that my parents had their own version of me that they presented to other adults in my life. And that while my grandma sipped the Kool-Aid for a little bit, and has spent most of the last decade living a mile or two away from my parents and G, she has been at times vocal about her preference for G-not directly, mind, but the message was there. But she also never did it at my expense. She clearly preferred him because he was the one my parents deployed to help them with tech in their house, and he was the one at all those dinners my mom was telling them I was busy for but I was actually ignorant of, and all offers I made to chip in were brushed off by my mom. But when she and I were alone, when we had our time together, she let me know what’s what.

I remember back in 2009 she was the one who requested my mom invite me to join her Mother’s Day trip to New York for an evening dinner and show since I lived there. She insisted on coming to see my apartment-she beamed at how, “metropolitan” I was, and as she was getting ready to get in the cab at the end of the night, she hugged me tight, and she kissed her bold red lipstick all over my face, and she told me,

“I am so proud of the brave woman you are. Keep going. I want you to stay here and see this through as far as you can take it. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not smart or you can’t do it, because you are! I love you for it, so much, my girlfriend.”

I obviously minimized and self-deprecated, just like I’ve always been taught. She whacked me in the leg with her cane and said, “Stop it. I love you, girlfriend. You keep all of this up-don’t you disappoint me by stopping too soon. I love you too much for you to ever settle. You got this.”

“I love you, too.”

“I know you do. You show me all the time by how proud you make me, every day.”

I cried so hard after that cab pulled away because that was the first time in at least a decade that anyone in my family had told me they were proud of me, especially without a qualifier (especially one that involved G), and it was the first time an adult in my family had said, “I love you,” in almost as long.

Since then she has often reminded S to, “worship” me because I am a catch, because I am her girl.

She gushed throughout the entire wedding process.

Every time I see her, she is happy to see me and she tells me how glad she is I continue to invite her for holidays (as if I wouldn’t?) and I get her her favorite snacks, and get her, “cool” gifts that help her feel hip and chic.

We had a long conversation when I saw her the 2nd or 3rd time after she fell, when she was in my mom’s nursing home for rehab. She was depressed and self-pitying and angry with mom for making her go to PT. I talked to her about the validity of her feelings and fears, but encouraged her to start the antidepressants that were being recommended by the staff psychiatrist-that there’s no shame in needing a little help-that her body and mind are connected, and it’s not as simply as willing the pain away. I encouraged her to talk to the social worker, to have someone on her side whose only agenda was to provide her with safety and validation and encouragement. And if she wouldn’t, to call me and yell and wail and bitch and that I could hold that for her. She got tearful and asked, “When did you become so smart, and so wise?”

I told her simply that it had been a while, but that mom and dad didn’t quite see it that way, and that it could stay our secret. And she took me up on it a few times, and she was always grateful for the ear.

So maybe she only sipped that Kool-Aid, and as much as she sings G’s praises and S’s in front of others, it will only ever earn an eye roll from me. 

I won’t have unfinished business with her when she passes, whenever that is. Will I wish she had been more public in her acknowledgement of me? Sure. But that’s about me, not about her. She is a black and white thinking, and can only have one favorite. It doesn’t mean she devalues me. I will wish we were closer. But she knows I love her. She loves me the way she knows how: by outwardly favoring the boy, and sharing her quiet, more vulnerable moments with me.

I will not have any regrets. Because she saw me, and I let go of the need for her proclaimed approval once I knew it existed at all.

You know who will be really fucked up?

G, when he loses his most vocal source of praise and one of the few people who, “needs” him.

My uncle, the favorite child who has been largely uninvolved with her care despite being 15 minutes away, and missing many opportunities for time with her.

My aunt, who is depressive and perfectionistic, and who will struggle with guilt and anger towards her husband for uprooting her and the kids to MA, and couldn’t be more involved despite desperately wanting to be.

The most fucked up of all will be my mom. The oldest child who was never the outward source of pride, who broke her own heart to get the approval she wanted and is bearing the brunt of her care now. Who rarely gets a thank you but gets bitched at simply because she’s there, because she’s safe and reliable to receive her anger. I know she’s internalizing this. She is already batshit crazy about all of the praise she’s not getting, the reciprocity that’s not obtainable so long as my grandma is as bitter and angry and lost as she is right now.

The woman scolding me for having a human reaction to a cancer relapse is going to need the most whenever Grandma’s time comes. She is going to be bereft and lost. 

And who does she think is going to provide her emotional support and hear all of this? 

My, “feminine logic,” emotionally retarded bully of a father?

My emotionally stunted, overgrown adolescent brother who still sleeps in the same twin bed and lets his dad make his bagged lunch?

Or her daughter, who can speak about and hold emotions and provide empathy and gentleness, not just because she’s a compassionate person, but because she’s a trained fucking counselor, and not a cyborg?

THIS. THIS is what makes me so insane about all of this shit with my family.

I’m never smart enough until there’s a question G can’t answer because it’s my area of expertise. I’m never wanted around until I heed that response and back away. No gift good enough. What have you.

And I’m unstable and emotional when I communicate that they hurt me, and ask for what I need, or am overwhelmed or stressed about how my family treats me. It makes me angry and unworthy.

But when you need a free therapist? That’s when you want me to provide all of the things you denied me for all of these years, even as you’re still excluding me and hurting and keeping secrets from me?

When do I get to become a fully operational person to them?

Maybe I need to cut away from my family for a while. Or maybe altogether. 

I feel like they just make me so angry all the time, and I hate the person I am in those moments.

I feel like with all of this, I’m being poisoned. I hate it.

[mariespn-me-blog]

When he came...

NINA'S POV

I was sleeping when a noice from my door woke me up, i thought it was the wind so i ignored it but then i felt something on my bed. I turned around and saw Dylan sitting on my bed.

"Hey... Good morning." he said.

"Dylan?" I wondered still trying to realise if this was a dream. "Hey!" I said, sat on my bed and hugged him "I missed you so much."

"Yeah I know." he said and i left him. "I found the key eventually."

I was trying to remember for what key he was talking about when it hit me, i told him that in case he wants to go anywhere and i won't be home to open the door i would leave a key under my flower pot outside.

"You came earlier. Why didn't you tell me? And who broad you here?"

" I wanted to surprise you. And my grandma broad me here. You are not happy?"

"Yes I am. But I was afraid that I didn't wake up in time and that you forced to call someone else and that you got mad..."

"You have a big imagination." he said and laughed. "Do I look mad?"

"No."

"See... So are you planning to stay in bed all day?"

I laughed and answered"No. Did you eat?"

"No, and I'm starving."

"So what do you want to eat?"

"I don't know what is easier?"

"To pick up the phone and take a pizza or something but you didn't ask that." i joked.

"Oh my God, you are unbelievable. Okay if you want to let's take a pizza." he said laughing.

"Okay but it's on me."

"Forget it you are not gonna pay it."

"My house, my rules. And it's your first day here so it's on me." i insisted.

"No."

"Yes."

"You are gonna insist till I say okay aren't you?"

"Pretty much."

"Fine... But the next time is on me." he said and he made it sound like a warning.

"Okay. So... Can you... I want to..." i was trying to find a polite way to tell him to get up so i could too.

"Oh yes sure." he understood it and he stood up. "See you in the living room" he said and left the room.

I got out of bed, found clothes and decided that i wanted to take a shower.

"Hey Dylan." i yelled.

" Yeah?" he yelled at me back.

"I will take a shower too, so do not come upstairs."

"Okay."

I took a quick shower, to be honest i couldn't believe what have just happened. He wanted to surprise me? That was so sweet. But i shouldn't get too excited i didn't want him to know my feeling for him, not yet. I got out of the shower,  i wore a white dress and black casual shoes and went downstairs. When my foot stepped on the last stair and my head got across the door i saw Dylan paying the pizza man. I got a little angry at him at the time but i couldn't blame him really.

"What did you just do?" i asked him.

He closed the door turned around and told me the obvious "I payed for the pizza."

"And why did you do that?" i asked and crossed my hands.

He came a little closer to me and said "Because I couldn't let you pay, you had already done a lot for me by letting me stay here." That's why i couldn't blame him because he was feeling obliged to me i didn't want him to feel that way.

"Are you crazy? It's my pleasure to have you here, you are my friend."

"Yeah but I could stay somewhere else like my grandmother or my aunt." And here we go, alternatives solutions.

"Really? You wanna live under a house full of rules?" I said trying to make it sound like a bad idea.

"No but..."

"Dylan, is there anything you don't tell me?" i asked him worried.

"No."

"So stop worrying and enjoy your staying here. Okay?"

"Okay."

"So I forgive you for this."i said looked at the pizza and then back at him. "I have planned all day today. We will go to the mall and then..."

"Nina can we just stay in today? I'm a bit tired." he said stopping me.

" Yeah sure." i said a little bit disappointed.

"We have plenty of time to do whatever you want." he said and gave a small smile. It was impossible not to smile when he did, he had a beautiful smile.

"You are right." I said and smile like a fool. "So while we are home what do you want to do?" i said getting myself together and went to my serious look again.

"First I want you to relax. Secondly I want to eat."

I smiled again and said "I go get the plates."

I went to the kitchen completely freaked out. I thought i had everything under control but apparently i was acting like a fool. What was i supposed to do? Only one person could help me. I took my phone and called Michael.

"Come on Mick, pick up." i said quietly.

"Yeah?" he answered. "Hold on a sec."weird noises were sounding.

"Where are you? Did you had a one night stand again?" of course he had. Michael wasn't the type who was looking for a serious relationship or a relationship at all, he just wanted to live the moment again and again and again.

"Maybe... What's up?"

"Are you still in her house?"

"Now i'm on the street. What's up?"

"He is here."

"What? Already? But you said you would gonna pick him up in 2 hours."

"I know he came earlier and I've freak out."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Okay just be cool everything it's gonna be okay, just be the girl he knows and likes to spend time with and everything are gonna be fine."

"Oh thank you, you are awesome."i said smiling.

"That what girl from yesterday said." and that made me from a smiling girl to disgusted.

"I don't wanna know bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone, now i was more confident than before. I took two plates and a knife for the pizza, I was ready to go to the living room but Dylan came in.

"Hey are you okay?"

"Yes, let's eat. Do you prefer here or the living room?"

"Living room."

"Great let's go."

We went to the living room, i put the plates on the table, opened the pizza and cut two slices one for and one for Dylan. We take our plates and sat on different couches.

"So what's up with you? Are you working anywhere?" i aksed.

"No I'm still looking, not all managers trust young coaches to coach their team." he said with disappointment in his tone. He loved football, it was his passion since we were little. He is one of those people that are smart enough and followed their heart, do what they want to do, one more reason why i admire him so much.

"Oh that's a shame, I mean you are a very good player and a good captain so I know you would be a good coach. Trust me they lose." i said trying to cheer him up.

"Thanks Nina, that's really sweet . What about you?"

"I'm still looking too."

"You are a detective right, like in the movies and the series we watch?"

"Yeah but not as cool yet. And since you mention it, I have to make a phone call." i took my phone from the table and sat again. I called Bella. Bella and Juliette were working at the local police station as geneticists and they said they would check if there was a place for me in their department.

"Swan." Bella answered saying her last name.

"Hey Bella it's Nina."

"Hey what's up?" her voice became from serious to friendly in a second.

"I was wondering, did you look for that thing that I asked you?"

"Yeah. There's no available positions. Sorry Nina." by her sound of her voice i could understand that she was feeling pity for me.

"It's okay Bella. Thank you."

"Hey don't back down, I'm sure you will find something."

"Thank you Bella." "But you can't save it " i said from inside me.

"What are friends for? I gotta go, we have a lot of work. Talk to you later. Bye." she said in a hurry.

"Bye." I said and hung up with a disappointment in my face.

" It's everything alright? Dylan asked me.

"Yes still looking." I said shaking my phone.

"It was that a call from a job?"

"My friends work at a genetic department and I asked them to look if there is any available position for me and there is not. So..."

"Hey... Don't get sad you will find something. So let's change subject. Yeah?" hearing that from him made me little hopeful again.

"Yeah. So can i ask you a question?"

" Yeah."

"Do you have or ever had a girlfriend?" i asked him straight but immediately regretted that i did.

"What are you interested to know if I had or if I have?" he asked me at looked me in the eyes.

"If you have." i answered without losing the eye contact.

"Yes I have."

"Nice." i said trying to stay calm.

"What about you?"

"Well, I dated  a guy for five months but it didn't work out so... I'm single." it never worked out half of the man population are douchebags and the other half are looking for one night stund. Not that woman population are doing much better the half of them are sluts and the other half are "Mothers Teresa".

"Five months? It must been serious."

"No it wasn't. Is yours serious?"

"No, no at all. I'm just spending my time."

"Spending your time?" i asked kind of shocked. "So that's the kind of man you are?" the douche kind.

"Yes but until I find the right one. Then I think I will change."

"You thing?" his words were making me more and more upset.

" What got into you now?" he asked as my reaction was indeed strange.

"Nothing, I'm just a bit surprised and I can't believe that the guy I grow up with is a such a womanizer." the sentence just slipped from my mouth i was't sure why i said it.

"Relax. I'm not a little boy anymore, I grew up I'm a man now. And like every other man I'm attracted by women is my nature Nina. I don't get it why are you so pissed off?" he was right i should't have reacted like that, it was natural.

"I don't know" i said and sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm not at my best right now, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that I'm sorry."

"It's okay I understand. So I am..." he stood up and continued "...gonna take a shower and then a nap." he said and went upstairs.

"Okay, I will go to some friends." I stood up took my phone and a small black purse that was on the couch  from the previous night and then went to the door. "Call me if you need anything" i yelled.

" Okay" he yelled back.

I left the house and thought who would be home at this hour? Michael. Michael and i were the only ones from our squad who hadn't found a job yet. Girls had the station and Silas was a photographer. Michael was a translator so until he finds something he and i we were the "available ones". So i called him for second time today.

"Yes?"he answered.

"Hey are you busy?"

"I was about to sleep. What's up?"

"What's the matter? You didn't get enough sleep last night?" i joked.

" You said you don't wanna know."

"Well I think you got so I would drop by if you don't mind."

"If I say that it's not okay, you'll still come don' t you?"

"Probably."

"Okay I will make you coffee."

"That's why I love you. See you in a bit."

I hung up the phone and started driving. Michael's house wasn't far away. All of our houses were close to each other that was good if you asked me. So i got there like in about seven minutes. I got out of my car, went to his house's door and knocked it. He opened.

"Hey..." i said...

" Hi." he said and made space for me to enter.

I got in and he closed the door.

"So, to what do I own the honor?" he joked.

" I came to see how are you, as a friend who cares..." i started making fun of him.

"Crop the craps. I know you had planned the whole day. What happened?"

I sat on his couch and said "Well... He is, tired."

Michael sat on the chair next to me and said "That's normal. He travelled for hours."

"I know, it's just... He has changed." i said thinking the boy i knew and the man i saw today.

"What do you mean?"

"He is not like I remembered him."

"That's normal too. People change, you haven't see him in a whole year right? Chill out."

"Okay... So tell me what did you do yesterday?"

"Well after you all left the café I sat for a little longer and I saw her, we talked for a little and next thing i know we were in her place."

"Nice." i said laughing a little.

"Are you gonna stay in tonight?"

"Probably. Why?"

"Just wondering."

"What about you?"

"I'll go out with John." John was Michael's best friend since forever. I met him a year after Mick and i became friends he seemed such a nice guy at first, we even tried to put him in the squad but it didn't work out, i liked him but he was kind of annoying. Sometimes i wondered how Mick is putting up with him.

"Where would you go?"

"I don't know maybe in a bar or something."

"Nice." i said and sighed.

"I would telling you to come but you know..." Michael tried to explain.

"Yeah I know it's okay."

"Just for you know I don't like this guy."

"Why? You don't even met him yet."

"Am i going to meet him?"

"That it depends..."

"On what?"

"What are you going to say?" this guy is crazy you never know when he would say something stupid.

"I will tell him that you are in love with him since you were 8." he looked me with his serious look that it scared me.

"You kidding right?"

"Of course I'm kidding you idiot."he said and rolled his eyes.

" Hey you are capable to do anything."

"I won't get involute in this. The only person that is going to tell him that is you."

"Great he is not gonna find out anything."

"Okay..."

"Speaking for the devil, he woke up."

" How do you know?"

"He texted me. I gotta go." I stood up and took my purse. "Thanks for letting me drop by." i said laughing.

"Always." he said smiling and stood up to accompany me to the door. "Text me if you need anything"

"I will. Bye."

" Bye."

I left Mick's house and returned to mine. When i got in,Dylan was sitting on the couch scrolling his phone, he raised his eyes and saw me.

" Hey you back."

"I'm back. Why did you wake up?" i asked him and sat on the other couch.

"I think I got enough sleep."

" Do you want to watch a movie and eat the rest of the pizza which was left?" i suggested.

"Sure, that's sounds great."

"Cool. I go get my laptop."

BELLA'S POV

Genetics... it might sound excited but believe me in days like that it wasn't . We were running testes and waited for results all day, i couldn't say it was kind of fun to mix different  substances with each other but not as fun as examine a body.

"Did the results came out?" Juliette asked.

"Not yet, why?"

"They ask for them inside."

I sighed and went in front of the machine to check "Tell them they gonna come out in 18 minutes. It's not our fault that the machine is late."

"Yeah I know. Are you okay? You seem a little off."

" I'm fine. Nina called."

"Oh that explains a lot." we both knew how bad Nina wanted to find a job and we hoped that we could help her somehow.

"It's just, I feel sad for her. She doesn't manage to find a job yet and I feel bad."

"Don't worry she would find something. It's a big city."

"Right..." i said with doubt. "I would drop this inside until this come out,did they want anything else?"

"No."

I went to the room with the evidence and left our last testes, i didn't know who that man was but my testes were showing that he was guilty and if my testes were showing that he was guilty he was guilty. I went down to the cafeteria to get a tea and something to eat and when i came back to the station i couldn't believe in my eyes. They were letting that man go, i got so angry at the moment, i asked the detective what was going on and he gave my testes. I went to the lab furious see if Juliette knew anyhting else about this. She was just sitting there when i got in.

"Hey what's wrong?" she asked, we were best friends of course she could realise that something was wrong with me.

"They let the suspect go."

"So?" she said like she wasn't a big deal.

"He is guilty. I ran testes for hours the evidence are clear he should be in jail." i said and my voice became louder.

"If the evidence show it why they letting him go?"

"That stupid detective Jason said that these..." i showed her my testes and then i threw them on the table"...are not enough to hold him."

"Let me see" Juliette said and took the papers from the table. " That's exactly what they were looking for." she said looking at me.

"See!"

"What did he say?"

"It should have been the opposite he said. He knows nothing about chemistry I was studying all this years, I know how to do my job unlike him." i said furious.

"Okay relax, we have many capable agents here if something is wrong the will find out. Why are you taking it so personal?"

" Telling that the results are wrong it's like they telling me that I'm doing my doing my job wrong. And i..." a male voice stopped mine.

"Good evening ladies." he said and got in.

"Jason."

"Bella you should run all the testes all over again. Juliette help her please."

"Sure."

"Thanks. Have a good day." he said gave a small evil smile and left.

"I'm gonna kill him!"

"He seemed nice to me."

"Oh come on."

We run the testes all over again and as i was expected the results were no different.

"Ha the result are the same as before. I can't wait to rub this in Jason's face."

Jason got in and he was guiding two workers.

"Here is the machine. This one is broken." he pointed the one we ran the testes on. The workers then took the machine out.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"You complained that the machine was slow maybe is something wrong with it and that's why you got wrong results. You can thank me later." he said and left.

"Bella..." Juliette said trying to find words to calm me down.

"Don't just don't."

Finally the time i was looking forward today, the time i would go home.

OMNISCIENT'S POV

Nina and Dylan were watching a movie.Juliette and Bella just got home tired all they wanted to do was eat and sleep. Michael was outside the club waiting to get inside, John was flirting some chicks so he decided to text Nina.

M:"I'm bored"

N: "Didn't you go to a club or something?"

M: " Yeah I'm outside"

N: "You are outside the club and you are bored?"

M: "Yes"

N: "Hahahaha you are unbelievable"

M: " How's going? What are you two doing now?"

N: " We are watching movie."

M: "Nice. Anw I'm going in"

N: "Have fun"

M: "Yeah you too. Bye"

N: "Bye".

Not all of us have good days like Nina had, the most of us have have mostly bad days like the one Bella had, well not exactly but you got the point. No matter how good or bad your day was just remember: fisrt there is no place like home, second you always have a friend to made your day if it was bad or made her even better if it good and third enjoy the simple things in life like food, sleep, watching a movie. Always end up the day with positive thoughts. No matter how hard things were, tomorrow's a fresh opportunity to make it better.

[whyhelloinsomnia]

March 10, 2017

I have to go home today. I think I got excited for a minute when I talked to Chase last night just because it will be nice to be able to see my things again and I’m excited to make the memory box my therapist and I talked about. Plus I’m ready to see my little sister. However, I think that my anxiety about flying (I have anxiety about not making it to places on time) is overshadowing my anxiety of being back home.

I’m angry with everyone but I know they’re all going to pretend like we’re one big happy family and try to move on. But I can’t move on. My therapist and those in my support group told me that it would be okay if I didn’t want to see anyone and lock myself in my room and deal with the consequences later. But I’m not sure if this is the best idea. I’m always thinking about how my actions affect other people, but I guess maybe now everyone else will feel how I feel. Shut out, alone, and angry. I just know there’s going to be fights and I know the blame will get put on me.

Also I’ve been really stressed out these last two days because my housing deposit for dorming next year is due tonight. It’s $1000 and I currently have $8 in my bank account... Chase told me he called my grandma about borrowing money until the tax return comes back and she didn’t answer, so he left a message. However, I texted her this  morning asking her if he had contacted her at all and she said no. So I had to, once again, be the one to ask her for money. He can never do it, I guess it hurts his pride. Well you know what? It hurts mine too. It’s embarrassing. But I’m always the one that has to follow through. He hasn’t texted me since last night, he’s avoiding me because of this. He would have never figured it out and I would be stuck with not knowing if I’m getting housing or not and my friend being angry or disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to room with her. 

I just don’t know why he can’t fucking do one thing that I ask. Like seriously. I think this was kind of a test for me because he has let me down so much this semester already, and now he can’t even do something when he is trying to make things up to me. I think he’s only trying to do this because I’ll be home this weekend and he doesn’t want to deal with things being bad. If it were any other week he wouldn’t give a shit about trying to make things better. 

I’ve been feeling myself shut down lately. Even my therapist noticed. For the past couple of days I haven’t been texting anyone back or calling anyone back. It’s too much effort. Yesterday I just wanted to lay in bed and cry and watch TV and not have to deal with anything. At that point I wasn’t even feeling angry with anyone, I wasn’t feeling anything.. I am beginning to completely shut down.

I’m trying to look forward to some things that will be good for me this week. Like seeing my little sister even though she has an attitude the size of this Earth and usually doesn’t want to see me because she’s almost 7 and she has her own life ;-). I’m looking forward to unpacking all my things and going through everything I left behind. I think I left some things that I shouldn’t have and maybe bringing them back to New York with me might help me feel closer to my mom here. I’m also looking forward to seeing my great aunt Edith. She’s old so she isn’t into any of the drama, and she’s on my biological father’s side so Chase doesn’t talk to her anymore. I think it will be nice to see family who haven’t let me down. I’m also hoping to see Megan, but she has school through Tuesday so I’m not sure. I want to see what all she wants to do when she’s here so I can start planning. One thing that’s kind of unusual for me that I’m looking forward to is making some meals. I think it will be nice to have a kitchen and be able to cook. Something relaxing that ends with a product. I’m not very experienced, but I think it will be nice to prepare dinner while I’m home alone.

Anyway, I’m checking in with my therapist on Tuesday morning because I anticipate this weekend is going to be shit because Courtney will be around. I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since Sunday even though my family basically refuses to talk to me, so I’m really hoping being home doesn’t set things off.