#soidade

[franwatcher]

Abraza-árbores

[manoelt-finisterrae]

eco

Somos ventos que non deixan pegada, ecos dun silencio que ninguén lembra, latexo na inmensidade do tempo, soidade compartida que nunca se toca.

© Manoel T, 2025

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is:  @toedenandbackagain! ToEdenandBackAgain has 7 fics posted to AO3 in the Stranger Things fandom and all of them are in the Steddie tag!

Our anonymous nominator recommends the following works by @toedenandbackagain:

hold me now, i need relief

hot (sticky, sweet)

sweet to taste (saccharine)

A Sign of The Morning

seasons change (so do we)

"Her fanfics are what got me into Steddie and Stranger Things and for that I am eternally grateful for that. (Also thank you again for reposting your fanfics back on AO3!!!)" -- anonymous

Below the cut, @toedenandbackagain answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

The urge to write Steddie really took me by surprise if I’m honest. I watched the first half of Season 4 (the superior half, imho), and something about Eddie’s character made me feel like he had way more to offer than what he was being given in canon. So when he and Steve started making eyes at one another, I was immediately on board.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

I love reading enemies to lovers, or enemies to friends to lovers. I love a slow burn like nothing else, the slower the better. I think there's so much opportunity in building a relationship within a fic, especially one that was originally not friendly.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

I love writing “long term pining” type fics. Especially of the “they're both in love with one another and neither realize it” variety. There's so much to explore in that sort of story and I love making the characters suffer just a little.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

This question keeps me up at night because I love so many aspects of so many Steddie stories, which is such a cop out of an answer, I know 😂 I think that a Steddie story that has forever stuck with me was “Looks Like You're Hungry, Looks Like You're Drowning” by Capriciously_Terminal. Something about it just lingers, it was beautifully written. “Are You Flagging?” By soidade (my beloved) is also a forever favourite, it was the fic I was obsessively reading in my car before work. And during work. And at home.

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

I would love to explore time loops in a fic but I am just so overwhelmed with how to start. It was originally The Lathe by palm violet that sparked that urge and  I've never been able to shake it.

What is your writing process like?

I keep a log of every fic idea I ever come up with, even if it is just a handful of sentences or a quick snippet. Specific pairing ideas get grouped together, but as I'm writing I will usually come back to my Google doc of doom and scroll through to see if anything jumps out at me that could work with what I'm currently writing. I try to start with at least a rough structure of events before going in with the details, and I like to know vaguely how I intend for something to end before I even start writing. From there, I just go. I find writing in chronological order very difficult, so I like to write big scenes first, and fill in the gaps. I also love useless tidbits, little character quirks that go nowhere and mean nothing in the grand scheme of things but round out who I'm writing about and what their bigger picture story is outside of the story I'm telling.

Do you have any writing quirks?

I love to write on my phone. I know it isn’t for everyone, but I find some of my best writing work gets done when I’m hunched over my phone in the weirdest spots. Entire chapters of A Sign of the Morning were written in various office waiting rooms, on public transit, or from my work lunchroom.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

I want to say posting when I’ve finished, but considering I wrote A Sign of the Morning in 12 days, and updated every day the exact moment I finished the chapter (no beta, no proofread, please forgive any and all absolutely horrific mistakes of that fic, they haunt me), I know that’s not the truth. I love sharing my stories, and I am always wanting to immediately put it out there for people. Posting when finished is, however, one of my goals as a writer. I would like to give readers a much more consistent upload schedule from me, and I’d love the comfort of knowing everything was finished.

Which fic are you most proud of?

This is another one of these questions that had me stumped for a long time. Part of me wants to say A Sign of the Morning, because it is, to date, my longest completed fic, as well as the fic that has gotten the most attention in my entire fanfiction writing history. But it has a lot of flaws. A lot. But at the same time, it meant so much to me that any other answer feels wrong.

How did you get the idea for A Sign of the Morning?

I loved the idea that Steve and Eddie had to have crossed paths before at some point, and I had always loved Steve’s growth as a character in the series but I felt like it was missing something. Some of the first few scenes that I imagined were the swing set scene, and the final fight Steve has with his parents. I enjoy stories that have character growth amid romance, and I wanted asotm to have that. From there, it really took on its own life. But from the moment I first had the idea, I wanted the story to have a specific feeling, which eventually led to how I chose the name. I wanted this fic to feel like the moment you have after the worst night of your life, the night you didn't know if you would make it out the other side. And then on the horizon, you can see the sun coming up, and you realize that you've made it. Steve's journey with his sexuality, his friendship, his relationships- familial, platonic, and romantic, and his growth into adulthood amidst a whole ton of supernatural trauma was what I wanted to write about- with Steddie to weave it together.

When writing A Sign of the Morning, what was something you didn’t expect?

The response for this fic is nothing I've ever experienced in around 15 years of writing. I've never had that sort of attention on my work, and I'm so grateful for every person who left a comment, a kudos, or a kind message at my Tumblr. I was also shocked how much of it just … happened. I had a few key plot points when I started writing, but some chapters and storylines (the party at the Byers-Hopper house, El’s “tattoos”, the fight between Jason and Steve) just fit and almost wrote themselves.

What inspired sweet to taste (saccharine)?

I hadn’t intended on continuing the story from hot (sticky, sweet), but once I had posted it I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I hadn’t really written a one shot like that before, where nothing actually happened between the characters and it was left hanging in the air with a “will they/won’t they”, and something about the one shot felt unfinished. But I also didn’t want to add another chapter, because I liked the standalone nature of the original and I wanted people who were happy with the ending to have the option to leave it as a flirty oneshot.

What was your favorite part to write from hot (sticky, sweet)?

The scene at the end of the story, outside Starcourt where Steve and Eddie are talking to one another was my favourite part to write. As much as the excess of samples scene holds a place in my heart, so many of my favourite lines are from that final scene. Eddie giving Steve his number by writing it on his arm and Steve sneaking Eddie into the theater really stick out in my mind.

How do/did you feel writing hold me now, i need relief?

The fic was originally inspired by the most beautiful piece of artwork by littleststarfighter on Tumblr, and from there the story really came together way faster than I was expecting. It was a harder fic to write than I anticipated. I wanted to explore a little bit of what Eddie’s life would be like if he survived, considering just how bad his injuries would have been. I have two conditions that cause chronic pain, and experienced an accident several years ago that exacerbated both of them to the point of not being able to get out of bed some days. Pouring a lot of those feelings into Eddie, writing the fic felt like a massive cathartic release and kind of a forgiveness to my past self for some of the things I had been hanging on to.

What was the most difficult part of writing seasons change (so do we)?

Right now, the actual writing part of it. I have the entire fic planned out scene to scene in a google doc somewhere, and this thing is fighting me every step of the way. Other than that, the hardest part of the chapters that are actually posted was probably getting into the heads of the characters from before we’ve known them, and making it seem realistic to who they are in canon. Writing bitchy Steve Harrington was a blessing and a curse, it was important to me to write him in a way that felt like he could connect seamlessly into S1 Steve Harrington without feeling disjointed.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

Steve's final fight with his parents from A Sign of the Morning was in the works from the moment I started writing and when I finally got to it, everything felt perfect. The line where Steve asks his mother to let him leave is one I'm forever proud of. The final scene of a sign of the morning is another I'm partial to. Quiet, comforting love.

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

I'm getting back into writing! Slowly. Very slowly. I do have an ongoing Steddie WIP that haunts me throughout the day and I hope to update it soon.

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

So many people have reached out to me about a sign of the morning helping them come to terms with their sexuality, or that it helped them feel comfortable coming out, and for some others it even made them realize that they were in bad relationships with people around them and I am forever honored to have had something I wrote have that kind of impact. Fanfiction got me through some of the darkest times in my life and for anyone who is in a place like Steve, or Eddie, or even any of the other characters and they are fighting every day to just exist in a world that's so much harder than it needs to be- I'm so proud of you. So proud.

Thank you to our author, @toedenandbackagain, and our nominator! See more of ToEdenandBackAgain's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[rogueddie]

Friends With Benefits Steddie Fics

Important: READ THE TAGS! Also, leave a comment and kudos! These fics are amazing and I love them and I hope y'all do too 👀

let me be your (every)thing

starsdontsleep

Nancy has broken up with Jonathan and the moment Eddie hears the news, he realises his "thing" with Steve is about to be over.

Words : 2,882 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Teen and Up Audiences (Mature)

AO3 : x

tangled up in barbed wire love

twelvexclara

“You’re so fucking—”

Before he can finish what he’s saying, Eddie grabs him by the shoulder, switches their position. Presses him into the door harshly and his head thumps back into the wood, sends a spike of something through his veins. He’s got a forearm at Steve’s throat, digging into his pulse point.

Daring him to say something.

He blinks dizzily up at Eddie, ignores the hinge digging into his back. They share breath, panting at each other, frozen for a moment. Steve’s heart is a hummingbird in his chest and he hopes, prays even, that Eddie can’t feel it.

Words : 39,260 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Explicit

AO3 : x

Say Something Stupid

murdertrashbabyrat

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit fuck, goddamnit.

Steve cannot fucking believe he’s realizing this right now, when he is literally inside Eddie, cannot believe he is watching this man smoke a goddamn joint as he rides him and thinking oh shit, I love him.

Words : 6,159 Chapters : 4/4 Rating : Explicit

AO3 : x

It was only a kiss

corrodedbisexual (mishabawlins)

Steve and Eddie's nighttime coping with the horrors of their past brings them close in ways Eddie never would have expected. But that's all it is. Moments of mutual comfort, a fun distraction from the endless string of nightmares.

...Or is it?

Words : 5,377 Chapters : 1/1 Rating : Mature

AO3 : x

if my body told the truth

literaldisneyprincess

“Hey, hi Eddie, hey, it’s Steve. Uh, do you know anything about cats?” he asks.

There’s a pause. “Steve, did you get a cat?”

Words : 19,321 Chapters : 3/3 Rating : Explicit

AO3 : x

Friends and Benefits, and Maybe Something More

oddermoths

“You know Harrington,” Eddie set his arm on the armrest of the chair. “If you weren’t straight, I’d kiss you silly right now.”

“Then do it,” Steve found himself saying before he could think.

Or, Steve and Eddie enter into a friends with benefits relationship, and Steve finds himself wanting more.

Words : 6,445 Chapters : 5/5 Rating : Teen and Up Audiences

AO3 : x

How to Be a Heartbreaker

literaldisneyprincess

Steve has a plethora of methods under his belt for getting his conquests to leave soon after they’re both satisfied. He’s used them all, with varying rates of success.

He doesn’t have much experience in getting someone to stay.

Words : 8,715 Chapters : 4/4 Rating : Mature

AO3 : x

Are You Flagging?

soidade

“Look, I’m just asking, okay? Not– I don't mean anything by it. But, uh.” His eyes darted back and forth, then he leaned in close to Steve. Steve had gotten used to that, kind of. The guy had no concept of personal space. “Are you flagging?” Eddie finally finished.

Steve shook his head slowly, eyes narrowed. He had no idea what that meant. He had no answer. “What?”

Eddie leaned away from Steve, facing forward again and nodding. “Okay, got it. That answers my question. Carry on.”

Words : 40,991 Chapters : 17/17 Rating : Explicit

AO3 : x

[buckyschairrecs]

AO3 | Are you flagging? by soidade

steve harrington x eddie munson

stranger things

Summary:

“Look, I’m just asking, okay? Not– I don't mean anything by it. But, uh.” His eyes darted back and forth, then he leaned in close to Steve. Steve had gotten used to that, kind of. The guy had no concept of personal space. “Are you flagging?” Eddie finally finished.

Steve shook his head slowly, eyes narrowed. He had no idea what that meant. He had no answer. “What?”

Eddie leaned away from Steve, facing forward again and nodding. “Okay, got it. That answers my question. Carry on.”

A (mostly) innocent question leads Steve Harrington on a journey of self-discovery, friendship, sex, and romance.

[absenceisaformofwinter]

"A soidade é unha compañeira silenciosa que te abraza aínda que te consume"

Rosalía de Castro

Día das Letras Galegas 17/05/25

"Solitude is a silent companion that embraces you even as it consumes you."

—Rosalía de Castro

Galician Literature Day · 17/05/25

[steddieficrec]

Some Of My Favorite Smut

more than you bargained for by anonymous

(1/1 I 2,432)

"Mike leans in closer, forehead almost touching the door, just in time to hear Steve shushing the girl gently. He gathers her curls with one hand, the other settling around her throat, and pulls–

Their eyes meet.

It’s definitely not a girl.

Eddie Munson stares at him through the tears in his eyes, lips parted in ecstasy as Steve Harrington fucks him within an inch of his life."

OR

Mike kind of regrets staying over at Steve and Eddie's.

#1 crush by pizzabones

(1/1 I 5,713)

"'That was a big sigh. Whatcha thinking about?'

Eddie opens his mouth to say ‘ah nothing’, but he stops himself. Maybe it’s time to let the proverbial embarrassing cat out of the bag and let Steve know just how long he’d wanted this domestic scene with him. He hums, 'You, actually.'"

or

Eddie tells Steve about his long-term crush, Steve tells him a secret of his own.

Somewhere it Hides a Well by teddywesworl

(1/1 I 7,610)

Eddie ducks his head briefly, a gesture that doesn’t quite fit with the guy’s overall image: buzz cut, obvious ink, scars on his jaw. A bunch of his shirt buttons are undone, and Steve can see a white tank and a gold chain underneath.

“Yeah,” Eddie says. “I’m at a shop in Uptown.” It’s rote, sounds sort of disinterested. Steve might think he’s being dismissed if Eddie Munson’s eyes weren’t raking over him, lingering at his jawline, his throat, his hands when he adjusts his cuffs.

Or: At Lumax’s wedding in 2003, slutty bisexual physical therapist Steve sets his eye on inked up tough guy mechanic Eddie and peels away his mask.

sugar hiccup by 02tilt

(1/1 I 9.101)

His fingers brush over a tiny valley on his forearm. A rough, pink divot where a demobat didn’t bite, but— slipped? Or something. It’s interesting, actually, because if he lowers that arm to his side, he can see where that scar leads. Where the thing managed to latch on and rip a chunk out.

If it weren’t invading his dreams and turning him into an insomniac, he’d congratulate it. Good effort, man, but you didn’t get me. Just made me look a little cooler.

He could call someone. That’s an idea. And by someone, well. Who else is missing a few pieces?

The Honey Inside Your Hive (Director's Cut) by biggest_mistake

(1/1 I 10,764)

Steve Harrington is on his own in a big new city and running out of money. The clock is ticking and if he doesn’t find a source of income soon he’ll be forced to admit his father was right when he said Steve couldn’t make it on his own. Desperate, he scours the classifieds and comes across a vague ad promising a big payout for only a few hours of work.

If Steve had been a little more cautious—or a little less proud—maybe he wouldn’t be losing his virginity on camera.

Or: Steve unknowingly auditions for a porno. Eddie’s more than happy to help him get the role—and lose his virginity. Jim’s there to document the occasion.

(It’s a Casting Couch fic.)

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails by pinkiequinn

(1/1 I 15,121)

The Harrington-Wheeler’s have it all. They’re newlyweds. They’ve just moved into a beautiful new apartment. Nancy’s career has taken off. And they are finally, finally starting a family.

But there’s something not quite right with the neighbours. And the building is so cold. And Nancy’s never home.

And Steve’s has been having the strangest dreams.

the most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it’s you by greatunironic

(5/5 I 34,987)

Sixteen years after the world didn't end for the last time, Max Mayfield showed up on Steve’s doorstep and said, “You gonna walk me down the aisle in May or what?” Or, it’s 2002 and Steve Harrington attends a wedding, a funeral, and a birth.

Are You Flagging? by soidade

(17/17 I 40,991)

“Look, I’m just asking, okay? Not– I don't mean anything by it. But, uh.” His eyes darted back and forth, then he leaned in close to Steve. Steve had gotten used to that, kind of. The guy had no concept of personal space. “Are you flagging?” Eddie finally finished.

Steve shook his head slowly, eyes narrowed. He had no idea what that meant. He had no answer. “What?”

Eddie leaned away from Steve, facing forward again and nodding. “Okay, got it. That answers my question. Carry on.”

-------------------------------------------------

A (mostly) innocent question leads Steve Harrington on a journey of self-discovery, friendship, sex, and romance.

flight risk by Ayes, itskleo

(16/16 I 81,324)

Eddie Munson is famous for giving his bodyguards the slip. Enter Steve Harrington. Has this bratty rock star finally met a babysitter that can keep up with him?

[ao3soidade]

Neither Here nor There Chapter 9

“Is it just about being apart, or are you worried about who he might be seeing there?”

Charles looked up at her in alarm. “ Now I am. You think he’s meeting up with someone?” 

“I have no idea. I just saw how you were when he was hanging out with Monty, and when the Cat King kept showing up to talk to him.” 

“I wasn’t jealous,” Charles said quickly. “I was concerned about him. And I was right to be, wasn’t I?” 

“Whoa, okay.” Crystal held up her hands. “I didn’t say jealous.”

“Didn’t you?” Charles looked down again, embarrassed. “You said it before, didn't you?" He was suddenly unsure if the word jealous had come from Crystal at all.

[noor-kazem]

@manoelt-finisterrae :

camiño da memoria

vilas de nubes para resucitar as palabras

montadas na ollada real dun ceo sen deuses

firmamento como chans da paciencia

trono de caricias sen evanxeo nin salmos de camelleiros

separación patriarcal da soidade no tremor da carne

sacerdotes que como demos humanos arden ao sol

todos os xinetes da nosa existencia cabalgan sobre esa sal

rapariga de acougo halo sen alma ao fin vivir

coma se aí fóra estuviesemos bebendo

desa sabedoría de ser ondas sen gaiolas nin criptas

ollaras para vernos nesa morada sen ter que partir

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

الكلمات المروعة تبقيني معلقة على اللحظة المظلمة ،المسار المسدود إلى الأيدي التي جعلتني دافئة، أصبح ڪصورة عائمة، ڪنجم مع مرور الوقت وتزايد المسافة ، سأعيش في النهاية موتي من بعيد.

The dreadful words keep me hanging on the dark moment, the dead-end path to the hands that made me warm, I become a floating image, a star as time and distance grow, I shall at last live my death from afar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Korkunç sözler beni karanlık ana, beni ısıtan ellere giden çıkmaz yola, yüzen bir görüntüye, bir yıldıza dönüşüyorum zaman ve mesafe büyüdükçe, sonunda ölümümü uzaktan yaşayacağım.

[allthingssteddie]

My steddie recs part four

(Unfortunately I haven’t been able to read much steddie fics but these are the ones I read while ago and loved them.)

Are You Flagging?

By soidade

genius loci

By Ayes, itskleo

it breaks your heart, but two of the Ramones are dead

By sugarybowl

how a resurrection really feels

By LiarsandThieves22

[sadisticdoom]

00:19- rosemary.

Sentín as túas enxivas envexar a miña soidade

permítenme devorar o ilícito da paciencia sen procurar  esquecendo que quizais o mundo  pacte co meu corazón batente ao ritmo dunha estrela fugaz  resoando  nas esquinas do teu pesar porque o teu mundo son paredes brancas con palmas vermellas reventadas coa furia de mil homes que rabuñan o cristal dun corpo afeminado que retorcese na similitude coa transición e a explosion dun parto invernal que arrefría os meus discursos mentais contra a porta do suicidio elemental que quizáis  ocúltase  noutras enxivas namoradas.

[manoelt-finisterrae]

No meu libro non tolle a túa soidade

Algunha vez a imaxe da escritura presencia a insatisfacción do anfitrión o embarazo dunha pregunta nun segundo que aínda é tempo o libro procede do ar o cheiro onde vivín sendo orixe si desexo un mesmo palabra claridade dos xardíns onde as ondas estaban prohibidas e aínda deleitabase a nada logo o noso camiño convertíase en folio a brancura e a inxenuidade da rebeldía abourada pola fortuna do baleiro

© Manoel T, 2023

[olive952309]

Steddie AO3 Fics

These are my personal favorite steddie fics i've ever read on ao3! Credit to all the original creators!

One shots/Smut Shots

Tommy Doesn't Know - j560 - Explicit

It's always tease, tease, tease (your happy when i'm on my knees) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

Sing me to sleep (I don't want to wake up on my own anymore) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

Don't touch me please (I cannot stand the way you tease) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

I want to run, I want to hide (I wanna tear down these walls that hold me inside) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

You broke the bonds and you loosened the chains (carried the cross of my shame) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

Oh baby, do you know what that's worth? (we'll make heaven a place on earth) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

Gimmie gimmie gimmie a man after midnight (won't somebody help me chase the shadows away) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

Don't go wasting your emotions (lay all your love on me) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

And I'll stand before the lord of song with nothin on my tounge (but hallelujah) - gorgeousgreymatter- Explicit

Here I am, Here I am (won't you keep me) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

crimson and clover (over and over) - GhostEnthusiast - Explicit

Wanna bet? - steviejeebies - Explicit

I've got this burning desire to set you on fire - strangersatellites - Explicit

go ahead, go way low (in my honey-lovin arms) - gorgeougreymatter - Explicit

touch my phone like it's your face - bdelaney - Explicit

started with a whisper, that was when I kissed her - bdelaney - Explicit

3-10 Chapter Fics or medium ish word counts

The benefit of not running away this time - Thisusernameisunavailible - Explicit

It Struck me Deep (it brought me to my knees) - gorgeousgreymatter - Explicit

I wanna fucking tear you apart - captinkirc- Explicit

Various States of Dress and Undress - orthographicsapphic - Mature

Princess and the Dark Child - BerityBaker - Explicit

10+ Chapters or Longest word counts

Easy, Easy, Easy - judasofsuburbia - Explicit

Your Divine - Oonionchiver - Explicit

Are you flagging? - soidade- Explicit

I think my kink is when you tell me you think i'm pretty - Running_Mouth12 - Explicit

Heavy Metal Healing - StrangelyPenned - Explicit

Camp Folktale, Summer of 86 - cairpravels - not given a rating

The Rise of Corroded Coffin and the Fall of Steve Harrington - AnnetheCatDetetcive - Explicit

REMINDER NONE OF THIS BELONGS TO ME! GO CHECK OUT THESE AMAZING WRITERS!

let me know if there's any mistakes!

[kiki-de-la-petite-flaque]

Saudade

La saudade è parola portoghese di impervia traduzione, perché è una parola-concetto, perciò viene restituita in altre lingue in maniera approssimativa. Su un comune dizionario portoghese-italiano la troverete tradotta con “nostalgia”, parola troppo giovane (fu coniata nel Settecento dal medico svizzero Johannes Hofer) per una faccenda così antica come la saudade. Se consultate un autorevole dizionario portoghese, come il Morais, dopo l’indicazione dell’etimo soidade o solitate, cioè “solitudine”, vi darà una definizione molto complessa: «Malinconia causata dal ricordo di un bene perduto; dolore provocato dall’assenza di un oggetto amato; ricordo dolce e insieme triste di una persona cara» È dunque qualcosa di straziante, ma può anche intenerire, e non si rivolge esclusivamente al passato, ma anche al futuro, perché esprime un desiderio che vorreste si realizzasse. E qui le cose si complicano perché la nostalgia del futuro è un paradosso. Forse un corrispettivo più adeguato potrebbe essere il “disìo“ dantesco che reca con sé una certa dolcezza, visto che «intenerisce il core». Insomma, come spiegare questa parola?“

Antonio Tabucchi, da Viaggi e altri viaggi

[juiciosprematuros]

Que agotamento ter esta cabeciña pelexona.

Mamá e papá non están e repudiei ao mundo. Reciproco sentimento entre el máis eu, entre vos máis eu, entre ti máis eu.

Soa, allea, incomprendida, mala, desordeada e desobediente. Rabuda, complicada, soa. Empezo como acabo e remato porque empecei a odiar á vida, á xente. Mamá e papá xa non están. Se atopo paz é pola capacidade de desconexión intrinseca que me define. Disasociación perversa. Volto a pensamentos que conseguira calmar. Reafirmo que as ascuas son perigosas se hai frouma preto. Ardor acedo no triángulo retromolar, na boca do estómago e na profundidade da engurra do entrecello. Todo mal pero dende unha calma estética, sen chantos corrosivos e desesperados, sen o rostro murchado, só inquedantemente pasivo. Soa. Cada vez que o digo o meu redor se resinte e mo nega. Insiste na idea do fermoso que é estar só, do moito que disfrutan a súa soidade. A soidade elixida, a que che brinda espazos de reflexión é gozo non é aquela da que eu me queixo. Está claro que por elección non é unha molestia, se non un alivio, un respiro do barullo alleo que che permite desinhibirte no teu propio. Un recreo adulto onde elixes contigo mesma quén ser e cómo. A esa soidade non a temo. Atérrame a outra, a de pensar no teu enterro e ver o baleiro da sala, a de buscar amizades e atopar distancia, desapego, a de ir perdendo xente polo camiño por non saber medrar.

Que teima. Mamá e papá xa non están. Refago a posición corporal mil veces ao día, ponte dereita, descruza as pernas, relaxa a mordida, o entrecello. Non hai calma. Marchou con eles. Marchou coa idea do amor incondicional que acepta todas as cagadas dun ser coma min que tira para diante sen ver se levo as flores por diante, se atino o rodado nas rodeiras. Bruta, descontrolada, desatinada, soa.

Nó na gorxa, no estómago e no pensamento. Mamá e papá xa non están. O "non" na gorxa, o non no estómago e un non enorme no pensamento.

Concordo con resentida (persoa que manifesta hostilidade constante cara aos demais ou cara á sociedade, en xeral por sentirse agredida por ela ) e amargada (que se resentiu ou que perdeu algunha das súas cualidades). Mamá e papá xa non están.

So recordo a loita continua cara o meu eu. Dende fóra todo eran queixas, non hai aceptación propia nin allea, non hai calma señoras. Non hai parada para respirar e querese, "non te fales así a ti mesma", ha! son a única que me podo falar así vendo dende o meu prisma todos os zurullos que me marquei ao longo da vida.

Que papá e mamá XA NON ESTÁN!

Convivirás coa dor, me dixeron. Eu so podo pensar dende fai un tempo en Nago no Kami, un personaxe da Princesa Mononoke que recibiu un disparo, unha dor que lle deixou a metralla no corpo. Esa bola de ferro quedoulle dentro e xunto coa súa ira empezou a corrompelo convertíndoo nun mostro, volveu lama viva. Todo o que tocaba queimábao e facíao murchar.

Papá e mamá, xa non están. Bang!