#some of these are truly the worst screenshots but thats what you get here on nocontextpoirot

[nocontextpoirot]

[quodekash]

yeah so im gonna make my silly little commentary posts for we are sometimes but not all the time

he stared at his friend's water and started smiling like a fucking idiot 💀

h2o just makes him giddy like that 🥰

also I genuinely fucking adore Pham and Fang's dynamic, they care about each other so much (I might cry)

I JSUT FUCKING LOVE HIM SO MUCH CAN YOU BLAME ME

im sorry, i cant get over the fact that q fuCKING SANG SOUND’S SONG FROM MSP IN THE THIRD FUCKING EPISODE OF THE SHOW

HES JUST SO SMOL I FUCKING ADORE HIM SO MUCH DUDE

here to pick up his twink

HES JUST SO SMOL THO LIKE CAN YOU BLAME ME???

I JUST WANNA RUFFLE HIS HAIR AND PINCH HIS CHEEKS HES SO FUCKING ADORABLE

i think i just really love satang cos during msp every time sound was on screen i lost my shit and now every time toey is on screen i lose my shit

btw i fully had to rewatch that entire scene, i was entirely focusing on satang’s little adorable fuckin face that i forgot to read and process the dialogue lmao

his expression is like “did you bring me here to do your chores, or are you gonna be honest and just say you want to makeout"

the real answer is just that he wants to spend time with him btu doesnt know how to do that normally 💀

(and also that he wants to make out with him)

WHY IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING SMOL TODAY

HES TINY

HES THIS BIG 🤏

OML IT HAPPENED FOR LESS THAN HALF A SECOND BUT I PAUSED IT AT THE EXACT PERFECT MOMENT

I genuinely adore accidental kiss tropes in bls, its just so unrealistic its fucking amazing

[insert image of phum's friends walking in here (I had to delete some of my screenshots because I can only do 30 and I dont want to do more than one post for this)]

AND THEN HIS FRIENDS WALK IN, CLASSIC

it's so awkward and I am LIVING for it

people in bls always walk in at the WORST possible moments and its AMAZING

THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS SO RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY TO ME

phuwin’s character trying to cook is so me

and also my sister, one time she was making spaghetti bolognese for us for dinner and she put way too much salt, and then to attempt to solve the problem, she put water into the pan to "evaporate the salt" 💀

the best part is I didnt even realise why that wouldnt work until my brother started laughing

anyway, back to the ep

WHAT DRUGS ARE IN THIS EPISODE TO MAKE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHARACTER SO BABYGIRL

THEYRE ALL SO SMOL AND ADORABLE AND BBG WHAT IS GOING ON

HES SO TINY

Youre fucking KIDDING

IM SO SUDDENLY INVESTED IN THIS MAIN COUPLE

THAT WAS SUCH A SUDDEN SWITCH BRO

literally last week I was like "yeah okay I like it" and then suddenly im on the verge of tears when they make physical contact???

[insert image of pun eating]

PUN !

MY LITTLE GUY

I ADORE THEMMMMM

oh fuck yes I love this friendship already and it just started

AND CHAIN'S GETTING JEALOUSSSSS FUCK YEAH

they look like tired dads fr

is phuwin just fuckin short or is pond like 3 metres tall cos holy shit

LOOK AT HIM

SMOL BITCHES

EVERYONE'S FUCKING TINY TODAY

woah he really just went for it there

HOLY FUCK HE SAID YES

TAN IS LOSING IT HES SO HAPPY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

great frame

[insert that entire scene with the jump onto him and the holding hands and the FUCKING CHEEK KISS]

HES MY LITTLE FUCKING GUY

HES SO NEURODIVERGENT AND I ADORE HIM

KICKING AND SCREAMING MY FEET RN

he's jealoussssssss

I love pun so much, I truly would die for him

Welcome back to another episode of Toey Thinks Peem And Phum Are Dating (And He’s Right)

Im gonna be completely honest, if pond looked at me like that, id probably do whatever he tells me to without a second thought

thats all im saying

LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE

HES SINGING THE FUCKING ABAAB SONG

IM CRYING DUDE THIS IS AMAZING

ARE THEY JUST GONNA SING SONGS FROM OTHER BLS FOR THE QHOLE SERIES? IM FUCKIN DOWN FOR THAT DUDE

this song is so out of winny’s range tho 💀

so fucking SMOL

also chains hand just always naturally rests on pun’s shoulder

literally all the time

what im saying here is I think they should kiss

HE DIDNT JUST GRAB HIS WRIST HERE HE GRABBED HIS HAND ERIJKGBNREJB HOLY SHIT

Cool! 👍

im glad they finally got there

FUCK YES NEXT EPISODE WE'RE GETTING THE SCENE FROM THE PILOT THAT MADE ME LOSE MY SHIT

PUNCHAIN FOREHEAD KISS AND QTOEY CHEEK KISS BITCHES

okay now I just have one final question before I take my leave: what the FUCK was the song playing in the background of the qtoey scene near the end of the episode

it was just electric guitar and I KNOW recognise it but I cant figure out what fucking song it was (literally I finished the episode at like 1:30 but didnt go to sleep til 3 because I was trying to find the song)

so please, if ANYONE recognises it and knows what it is, tell me as soon as you can cos Im fucking dying

update: a moot is pretty sure the song played over other qtoey scenes earlier in the show (the same way msp did with noelm) so now im fuckin PSYCHED for the new song that’s gonna come out eventually

[ultra-raging-ghost]

Im real nervous main tagging this because ive said my main peace and i dont wanna clog the tag up, but i will say after some context given i have a couple more thoughts?

tw// SA, r//pe mention, etc.

This will be a controversial statement. Me personally, i dont really honestly care? About what he said? It was eight years ago and he hasnt repeated the actions so i dont honestly and truly care what he did eight years ago, he was 19 then hes like 26 now theres honestly and truly a BIG maturity distance between 19 and 26, but also it was. Eight years ago? Thats all i have to say on that?

I Also dont really care for how it was brought to light, from what ive heard from pt speakers the expose was done by someone whos publicly anti towards the Brazilian CCs and ive heard they've dug up some dumb things about pac that werent "hot" enough to get trending i guess and definitely werent condemnable enough to get him cancelled, so it's honestly and truly in my heart something i see as being done in bad faith.

Alongside this, ive seen translation screenshots from one of the "victims" (not sure her stance on being called this so its in quotes) stating she does NOT want to be aligned with these allegations and has changed her username and profile picture because she honestly doesnt wanna be involved and doesnt want it being spread around, this is something else i view as bad faith and if anyone was affected by this then its the best thing to do as they wish, this not only affects the person being called out but also their victim negatively, especially if the victims profile is easily attached to their real life and especially when the victim is a female victim of assault or rape or anything like that, i hate to say it but as an afab person ive seen it firsthand that thats honestly the culture surrounding assault victims, and most people dont want that being brought up or put out in the public. Im a victim myself - people view you differently, it affects platonic and romantic relationships, it affects jobs, you are actively hurting the victim by spreading this if they dont want you to do so and arent prepared for that to be spread around.

From what ive seen, some people are condemning Forever for getting a lawyer - i dont view this as him being automatically guilty. I view this as him getting a lawyer because this person on twitter has been actively harassing not just him but all the brazilian CCs on the QSMP. This is harassment, the case against them will hold up in court and Forever has said he will speak about this more when everything is said and done

Alongside this, i will say im unhappy with Forever specifically for his statement on the situation. It wasnt handled the way we wouldve liked it, but it also wasnt handled via ukelele, it wasnt handled the worst way it could've been. Ive heard pt speakers say it was kind of formal, there was some slang in there but overall i've read the translated statement and to me it sounds more like a legal statement than anything - he mentioned having a lawyer, chances are the lawyer helped him write it. To me it doesnt sound like anything he'd fully say which is why i was so put off by it at first but this makes more sense to me honestly, i dont know if anyone would agree with this.

TL;DR

All in all, i think its a shitty situation but nothing to condemn Forever over. I ask people be thoughtful regarding the girl affected, and dont spread shit around with her name or profile attached to it unless she states otherwise. It was handled badly on Forever's end and blew up WAY too fast on twitter.

I've generally seen people be well behaved on here, ive seen some strong statements but otherwise i like to think we're better than twitter.

This probably wont be my last post on this as we get more on the situation over the next couple days, but this is my main thoughts right now. I'm still choosing to remain neutral, but more mixed than anything.

[traumatictouch]

tomura & stain

we all know stain was a major influence on tomura and his character development early in the series, so id like to take a closer look at why stain was so important to tomura (and why i sincerely believe tomura had an implicitly-canon crush on him.)

this is actually pretty glaring when you watch all of tomura's season 2 scenes all together. i think the reason it slipped by so many people (including me) is because the villains side of the story was so broken up by the sports festival and kids internships. (and, tomura was a relatively new character to the audience at the time - we didn't know yet that that is very much not how tomura behaves around most people.)

and before i get started, i just wanna say that this post isnt about shipping, i just think this is an overlooked part of tomuras character. i also need to establish this reading of their dynamic to further support another meta post i’m planning on writing in the future regarding tomura and afo.

I'll link a season 2 tomura compilation video in the notes so you can see what im talking about yourselves, but for now, here are my impressions. (all white subtitles in screenshots are tomura’s dialogue.)

we start with tomura admiring stain from pictures and videos. like… his eyes are literally sparkling. pretty sure he's never looked at anyone except afo with so much non-hostile intensity and interest.

ive talked a little bit about this before, but i get the feeling that tomura just genuinely doesnt expect to be understood by anyone at all. not civilains, not other villains, and certainly not heroes. since all tomura really knew about stain and his motivations at this point was that he was "the hero killer", he probably thought he'd finally found another person who shared his hatred for hero society with the same passion - someone who could understand him. no wonder he was so excited.

when face-to-face, tomura openly admits stain has more experience than him, and calls him “dai-senpai” (translated as “sir” below); this is used for people who have MUCH more experience than you in your field. starting strong with the flattery! (esp considering im pretty sure they both have roughly the same amount of experience, technically.)

(also, aren’t most crushes in these shows directed towards someones “senpai”?)

when he makes a truly terrible first impression and gets stabbed for his efforts, tomura just... laughs awkwardly. tomura has a general tendency to smile and laugh when hes in pain, but the sheer nervous awkwardness of it is what makes it significant here. i dont think he would have responded this way if it had been, say, dabi or toga who attacked him during recruiting instead.

when stain rejects his offer and monologues about why he doesnt like people like tomura, tomura responds in a clearly offended and hurt way. in other, similar encounters throughout the manga, tomura is much more level-headed than he is here. i dont think hes ever taken someones opinion of him so hard at any other point in the series, which is pretty notable considering the sheer amount of other times he gets insulted to his face.

...and yet, he remains civil during their conversation on the rooftops afterwards, even when stain makes another dig at him. (also, correct me if im wrong, but is the first line below not literally a romance trope...?)

after stain leaves (and only after,) tomura starts poking fun at him, despite having been the one to try to recruit him in the first place. makes sense that he's trying to point out all his 'flaws', sort of like hes trying to talk himself out of his previous admiration for him after being so thoroughly rejected. and, considering tomura had to later question how he and stain were different at all, these criticisms seem a little bit hollow in hindsight.

coping with heartbreak by seeking (indirect!) revenge. of course his idea of revenge involves making stain feel like everyone has forgotten about him. acting like you were never interested in someone is a pretty common trope for this kind of thing, isnt it? that they meant so little to you (or anyone else) that you dont even remember the rejection! and of course, tomuras trying to make stain feel as humiliated as he did.

also worth mentioning: i think this is the only time where tomura wanted to end up in the news for a reason unrelated to making people question justice and hero society. releasing the nomus didn't seem to be about making people doubt the heroes ability to protect, it was just to outshine stain.

tomura isn't really the kind of person who… gets that worked up over losses? So the fact that hes so agitated about it is significant. even at usj when he lashed out at kurogiri for letting iida escape, he pretty quickly bounced back and accepted that they had to retreat for the time being. still, it must hurt seeing the guy who so harshly rejected you get talked about nonstop, especially in a positive light.

(honey, you're the one hung up on stain.)

This leads to - as user palbabor-writes pointed out in her character analysis of tomura - tomura's worst outburst in the series. isnt it interesting that stain was responsible for that, in a character who is otherwise relatively calm and collected? that suggests some pretty strong feelings attached.

of course, losing his nomus and being insulted by some strangers certainly lended to that outburst, but those were both just salt in the wound that stain had already created.

then he literally dons his Sadness Hoodie (seriously, we only see him wear it while sulking at the mall and after afo is arrested) and goes off to wonder why he and stain were too different to work out. and he lingers on that for a long time. why were they too different? what went wrong? why didn't stain accept him?

this doesnt just seem to be about how society perceives the two of them, because the thoughts are "directed" at stain, rather than society as a whole. he wants to understand it from stain's perspective before anyone elses. (plus, everyone thought stain was a part of the LoV, so as far as society is concerned, he and stain are the same.)

...and hes so torn up about this that he goes as far as venting to and consulting a teenager on the matter.

i don't know. romantic feelings and tropes in media aren't my strong suit, but i hope you understand what im getting at!!

like i said at the beginning, i'll reblog this with a link to the season 2 tomura comp so you can kind of see it for yourselves. theres also some things from supplemental material for bnha that further supports this theory, but since thats only dubious canon, i'll put those in a follow-up post!

[kingreywrites]

Do you think Eugene was mad at Cass after she crushed him? Or more scared of her? Because I've taken some screenshots of Race to the spire, and he looks genuinely scared in these as he looks at Cass. Sure, Eugene is a tough and not easy to hurt guy, but I mean....

1. He did tell her he had a strict rule about dying in the same place twice, and while I know Cass didn't take it serious(she probably didn't even listen) and Eugene joked about his trauma again, I still think it'd kinda terrify him, he knows she is Gothel's daughter and yes, that makes mo difference, because she wasn't raised by her, but I bet he got flashbacks as Cass clenched her fist, since he remembers the other time a woman had tried killing him in that tower(well, Gothel succeeded)

2 C'mon, its his first real birthday and he almost dies on it? Wow Cass, nice birthday present!

3. Him being used against Rapunzel? Thats his worst nightmare, he hates it. He didn't know what would happen if Rapunzel agreed to whatever Cass wanted, he didn't know what she wanted. He didn't know what would happen to Rapunzel, just like back in the tower on Rapunzel's 18th birthday. And I don't think he really would've expected Cass to go that far

4. Imagine watching a person you see as your sister walking up to you, gripping your chin, being ready to squeeze you until you die, crushing your body just to get your partner to fight her like omg

Sorry for my rant I just think it's more deep than others do 😂

I can imagine Eugene actually being quite nervous about seeing Cass again after she did that to him, but I'm sure Cass apologized for it properly bc if not, I'll shift to Corona and 🧍🏻‍♀️🤛🏻

I love Cass but omg, not to mention that she drugged and kidnapped a child and tried to kill Rapunzel several times lmao she was really on drugs in S3 or smt 💀💀

I love using your ask box as a diary as you can probably tell

gdhhdjd it's okay please use it as a diary I love getting asks!

My answer is... gonna be pretty similar to what I was saying yesterday about his fight with the Brotherhood, which is that in universe, I honestly think he's fine. A little more wary, yes, maybe for a while, but not entirely traumatised by the event. I think the worst part for him was what you said in 3, which is being used as leverage against Rapunzel, because her getting hurt because of him scares him way more than him getting hurt at all, so he'd brush off what happened to him easily while still being mad over Rapunzel being in danger (but since Rapunzel didn't get hurt and even won that fight, I think it'd pass too. He's probably gonna try to make sure it can't happen again)

Now the thing is, as something that could happen between two real human beings, these events ARE traumatising, and definitely could make anyone scared. It is a terrible thing to go through, but like... Eugene getting thrown into a wall by Varian's automaton in SOTS is traumatising too, you know? Or him nearly getting killed by Edmund in Destinies Collide, or even him falling into a pit of snakes in Vigor The Visionary, etc etc etc. Like there are plenty of events in TTS which are fine by cartoon logic, and absolutely not fine in the real world, and this is one of them. It can definitely be interesting to delve into this more realistically, while being aware that all in all, in context, it is presented as bad but not traumatisingly bad

About Cass and apologies, I... wish they got enough time to make her interact with anyone else than Rapunzel in the finale. I'm not asking for her to go grovelling for forgiveness from door to door but just... one discussion, or at least one thing suggesting they had one. I wish more time was spent on the after of her villain arc, even with Rapunzel, because I think apologies should have gone both ways, and it could have been nice to have other conversations like with Cap or Adira! (Adira would have been great imo because their issues date back from s2, and I think it would have been cool to see Cass making amends with her, accepting that maybe they aren't friends (yet?) but they respect each other. Just, I think it could have shown that Cass is also in a better place mentally, and that she's ready to start her journey while not being hung up on the past)

Actually I'm okay with it not happening with Eugene btw! I think in the end he's more or less ready to refer to Rapunzel in this, and forgive her as long as Rapunzel does, because I think most of the anger he expresses is not really about Cass' actions and more about how she's hurting Rapunzel (see the very beginning of NTLP 😬). I do think they would need to rebuild trust between them but I don't think he'd be all that upset for himself, it's more like they spent one year apart, changed a lot as individuals, and they weren't BFF to begin with, so their relationship is far from being really solid at that point

SORRY I'M RAMBLING GHSJDJD i have a LOT of thoughts about the way one can approach trauma in cartoon characters, and what factors are important to keep in mind. While I'm here I'd also say be wary of very biased and dramatised formulations like "Cass drugged a minor" to say "Cass gave Varian truth serum", because it's obviously said in a way to make you think of Cass as this evil, nearly predatory woman when in the context of the episode it's truly... not a big deal, and not meant to be taken as such. It lasts like one minute? And I know when I first read Cass drugged a minor I was like "what when where???" because it's definitely reframing it to make it sound unforgivable gshjdkd

That's why I keep insisting on balancing cartoon logic/real world logic btw, because I know I have a lot of feelings about Eugene, but I also don't want to completely villainize other characters for his sake! It's all interesting to read about in fanworks, but sometimes it turns into character bashing and it's less fun to read 😅

[tac-confessions]

Yo listen I'm not saying that these people are invalid. You still should give people evidence. People lie to get attention and lying can spread rumors especially when they are talking about suck sensitive topics. Sometimes these claims can ruin a innocent person's life just because people dislike them or they did one wrong thing. Maybe I would be on your side if I had stable evidence of the claims that everyone makes on here. I might also understand somethings that y'all have went through. But without would evidence your claim to me is just a claim and not stated evidence. I'm sorry if something did truly happened and for any of the victims. I just don't want someone's whole life ruin because people hate them. And to the person responding to these things I want you to know that something should be said and other things not.

different mod here, i’ll let them reply later since their busy, mod Q here aka vlixxie, mod S has been responding to most of these, so i can understand the need for evidence, its your choice wether to believe someone if they dont have evidence, even if they do have evidence its always your choice to believe them or not, i can understand that you want to protect someone from potentially false claims, and its true these claims could be false, but the thing is there has been evidence and screenshots shown in the past on this blog, a few of them by myself, i’ll reblog after posting this in case they’ve been buried.. but the thing is with proof of the rest, its scary as fuck to come put about an abuser, gunna level with ya’ll and be open and vulnerable for a minute with the hope you respect me and stuff, i’ve been abused and traumatized many times in the past, emotionally, physically, mentally, you name it, coming out aboht things like that and being able to come to terms with it took me months, years of therapy and im still not in the best shape because of what i’ve been through. im not going to speak for anyone on this blog but i will reiterate some of the things i’ve heard, it sounds like the people who say they’ve been abused/traumatized by mellow are scared to fully come out, even if they make a throwaway tumblr account, like a ew anons have said, a lot of whats happened has happened in private chats, so by posting screenshots they expose their identity in a different kind of way, and for a trauma/abuse survivor thats absolutely terrifying, especially considering a few anons have said mellow’s threatened and harassed them in the past for talking about any of this. when it comes to trauma survivors who arent ready to fully talk yet, give them the benefit of the doubt, you dont have to drag their aleged abuser through the mud right away or anything, you dont even have to believe either side, but just give them the benefit of the doubt and listen to their stories, if its for attention whats the worst that happens? they get attention? so what. if its a real victim and you drag them through the mud for being toxic, or spreading rumors, or making up lies, the. you’ve completey destroyed their faith in getting help with their struggles.

TDLR: you *do not* have to believe abuse victims without evidence, you *should* give them the benefit of the doubt in case what their saying is true, and most victims in this scenario probably cant give screenshot evidence without exposing their identities, so give them time, dont just shit on them because they dont have proof or word it strongly

[betanyagito]

3 hours left of this decade here and I promised I’d write a sappy post so [ABBA voice] let’s go gays

Oh man. Oh boy. Was this a time. An entire 10 years spent on the internet. I’ve met people, got into new things, forgot old dreams and made new ones. How old was I when I first started here? 12? 13? It doesn’t feel real honestly. So much has happened that I still think about to this day, and as embarrassed as I am of my roots, I wouldn’t be who I am without them, and I likely wouldn’t have met the people I did if it weren’t for the early day join.mes and art streams from Deviantart and Minecraft askblogs on tumblr dot kom

I am thankful I got to know Minecraft, I got to know Hetalia, I got to know Homestuck. I am thankful these things allowed me to meet people who I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without right now. And that’s honestly the part I want to focus on. My friends

Old friends who I don’t talk to anymore, old friends who I don’t even know if are still around, old friends who still message me again and again sometime (honestly knowing that I’m still on their minds after all these years is the single most heartwarming thing ever), friends who I don’t talk with as frequently but still keep in my mind and get happy whenever we do end up meeting, and friends who are still here every day and support me endlessly.

If I were to talk about each and every one of them I would be sitting here all throughout January so I’ll try to talk about everyone in groups because I do want to take a moment to appreciate everyone. Everyone I’ve met shaped me into the person I am today, and while I am not perfect, I am happy. I am happy that I have the friends I do now

I remember the first big group of friends I’ve had when I first felt like I belonged. Kat, Wesley, Meni, Britain - those Whirled Days. I remember spending hours doing sprite edits and staying up late into the night to make sure I stayed caught up with rp and was present for the trials and murders lmao. I know it all ended on a sour note, but I will always treasure the moments we had together, and I’m so glad that after over six years I am still in touch with some of you. You were my first true out of the country friends, and you all helped me open my horizons and realize that the world is much much bigger than I had thought, and I can find friends anywhere who will love me

DR had stayed with me ever since, and I got to meet Mina, Chinch, Erika and Damien. Oh my god you guys. All my admiration for you four for being able to handle the edgefest that my writing and I was. I can’t believe we’ve lived through the peak days of DR tumblr rp. What a fucking Time that was. I would’ve never discovered my love for writing and betas without you all. You stuck with me through my worst years and always supported my dumb ideas. I remember the skypechats, the craigslist edits, the quiche, the zombie apocalypse, the adoption. I know I said I don’t want to address anyone one-on-one but Mina. Mina. If there’s anyone then you deserve a one-on-one. It’s been six (?) years. We’ve known each other for six (?!) years and we’ve seen each other go through so much. I know I tend to be really bad at communication and often fall short at replies but there’s not a day when I’m not thankful that I’ve met you and I still have you in my life. Your influence on me has been nothing but positive, you’ve taught me so much, how to love life, love my creations, how to be excited about anything. If I was half a good influence on you, I would already call that a success. I hope we will remain friends for a long time. At this point, I couldn’t imagine my life without having you in it. I just love you so much I almost teared up writing this ngl

And this one goes out to those Nanbaka SLUTS who also turned me into a slut who can never step foot into another church ever again. I can’t even recall how exactly I ended up in the discord group, but I know that you all were another milestone for me. Nick, Mew, Kristi, without you guys I would’ve never opened up towards people. I was scared back into my bubble where I just didn’t want to interact with fandoms ever again, but I you guys were one of the most accepting group of people I’ve ever met and probably ever will meet. You welcomed me with warmth and excitement and I still keep so many screenshots of the old discord chat that I read back whenever I need a good hearted laugh. Even now when our interests had changed, I’m so happy that we can still find a common note and have fun with each other. I wish nothing but the best for all of you

This brings us to the current era. All these muppet lovers......all these muppet lovers and I find so many friends.....Stella, Michael, Maple, Daco, Kris, Clover, Katie, Nette, Lili, Dani it was all Your Fault that this obsession started. I had such a fun time with all of you that now my brain cannot stop producing serotonin whenever I see a goddamn potato man. But even besides just having a common interest, you are all such wonderful people. You all helped me out of a rut and helped me shape myself, to be confident in my own opinions, to be able to stand up for myself and to have fun without worrying about what other people think. I am so grateful for every conversation we’ve had, every joke we shared, every idea we came up with together. I had no idea that a gag anime could ever get me such amazing friends, but it happened! And even if I don’t talk with some of you as often anymore, or at all, I will never forget any of you

Standing on more stable feet I was able to reach out to other parts of the fandom and start my own big project in the form of an askblog, and even if it’s stagnant now, it was one of the best decisions of my life, as I got to meet the most wonderful group of people. Nat, Athro, Buns, Turo, Jasp, JM, Lulu, Tris, Holly, Eden, Dairy, Ruri, Timey, Zako, Vivi, Ruah - you’re all just amazing. You accepted me into your group and I honestly feel like we’ve grown into a family. I’ve grown both as an artist and as a person thanks to you all, and I’ve never had such a tight knit group of friends before who’ve supported each other quite like you do. I feel loved and I know my voice is heard whenever I speak. I know that even on my worst days, you all will  be here. I know that you will hear even my most outlandish ideas, you will listen to me ramble about media you’ve never heard of and I more than gladly do the same for all of you too. I’ve never been more confident in my content and especially in my OCs. We’ve created something incredible together, and I am just so incredibly proud that I can say that I belong to MVA, that I can say that “hey thats my friend!!” whenever any of you come up, and I am so happy that I could meet all of you. I truly feel like I’ve become a much better person since meeting all of you. I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart that we’ll be able to spend many more years together, and watch each other succeed in many more things

Despite what I intended this turned into a pretty lengthy post nevertheless whOOPS. I’m sorry if I left in any typos or anything of the sort. The bottom line of everything is- I’ve had some terrible times this decade. Really, awful times when I thought that theres no way, no way I would be able to continue on. But all these strangers online, who I’ve never even seen in person, you all were and are always there to extend a hand and help me back on my feet. There are many ways in which this decade sucked, there were many terrible news and terrible times, but, it was all worth it. If not for anything else, then for the fact that I’ve got to meet so many amazing and talented people. Thank you all for loving me and calling me a friend. I hope the next decade will treat all of us, but especially you well. You all deserve nothing but the best in your lives and I love all of you so so much

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

[mazojo]

Cinderella Phenomenon Thoughts

*Heavy sigh*

B O I

Soooo, for the past two weeks I have been deeply entranced with the otome of Cinderella Phenomenon recommended by my beautiful friend @ladykateofhousebeaumont (thank you queen for having me play this masterpiece, I am blessedddd) and I have many thoughts I need to get out of my system because

b o i

anyways spoilers below soOOo beware

Can I start by talking about Lucette’s evolution went because

Home girl went from being the most hated on the land to understanding her toxic behavior through her different suitors and coming to the realization her mom was very toxic and growing from that. Truly, poetic cinema at its finest.

Also hi yes, my favorite character (apart from the suitors which ill talk about in a minute) was Delora. Like you cannot tell me she isn't totally Lucette’s adoptive mother. Like, hi? yes? I need some napkins for my teARS. Delora is the mother figure Lucette never had and Lucette represents the daughter Delora had and Hildyr killed and I just.... ugh, my emotions 

Also, is it bad I lowkey wanted a Garlan route?? lmaooo he was so cute with Jurien and I love me some soft shy boys and asdfghhgfds, like I shipped him with Jurien and all but Garlan I luv you too ;w;

Anyways, the boys, I will comment on them from my least favorite to my most favorite, so bare with my screaming as it will become louder and louder, i’ll also include the highlight of some CGs and a song that reminds me of the pairing because I don't have anything better to do aasdfghjhgfd

Rumpel

Lets start with doctor boi. To be honest when I saw the pictures of the guys in the downloading page I thought my favorites would be Rumpel and Waltz (I mean, I got one of those right lmao) because he wears glasses and home girl loves loves lovessss glasses. Then with his first interaction with Lucette It was very meH to be honest. He is just not my type and I would rather have Rumpel as a friend, although he did gave me quite a couple of laughs when he interacted with Karma lol.

His ending cg is brutal tho, his along Rod’s are the most heartbreaking ending CG’s (even though his ending in of itself wasn't the worst in my opinion because I wasn't too attached to him).

Anyways in short, Rumpel, flirty doctor boi. with good heart even though you roll your eyes at half the things he says xD

“And I wish that you could see. Oh, what you do to me, and I hope this letter covers everything. I'm yours, sincerely me” - Sincerely Me, Artist vs. Poet

“And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be, right in front of me, talk some sense to me” - I found, Amber Run

Fritz/Varg

Oh boi, baby Boy Fritz. The only reason why Fritz isn't higher is because throughout his route I felt like I don't get to know much about Fritz in of itself but rather Varg, but the little we get to see Fritz I find adorable. He was one of the routes I was most excited on playing because he was adorable in the other routes, always looking out to protect Lucette and he always did <33

And Varg. To be completely honest I kinda liked him at the beginning but not much, the moment I trully fell for him was at the end when he gave up himself to let Fritz be with Lucette. Boooooi that scene where he says Fritz would never deserve her but he still wants her to be happy asdfghj broke me. 

Like in the end even though I liked Fritz and Varg individually a lot, I feel like there wasn't enough time with either to come on higher in the list and thats the only reason why he is number 4, but I still love them very much ;w;

Also like, the good ending?? its like the saddest one?? I mean yeah, they got to be together and what not but my home girl Delora dies?? and Parfait?? no magic? hello? I cried so much? asdfghjkl Truly the most angsty ending by far and I just..... Can they be happy pls? </3

Also as a side note, Fritz was the only route I could get all the positive choices at once without having to reload the files and I feel very proud about that lmao bye

“But a wolf in sheep's clothing is more than a warning” - Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, Set it Off ft. William Beckett

“All that I can do is beg as hard as I can, but the nightmares keep on haunting me. Even though I’ve seen you leave a hundred thousand times, I can only watch you disappear” - Eine Kleine, Rachie

Rod

Rodddddd <33

Honestly between Rod and Karma it was a tough choice, and I think I could say they were fairly tie with one another, just putting Karma a little higher because his good ending was one of my favorites and Rod’s was kinda sad (well, I mean, I get it, they are step brothers so they cant be publicly involved but its still sad ;w;).

Y’all know I live for my tsundere characters and Rod did not disappoint. Not only does he have some of the cutest blushing moments (thx Sebby!) but he and Lucette have such a great dynamic! They understand each other and I think Lucette had one of the best developments in his route, understanding Em and getting her good deeds by growing close to her family was such a cool way for her to become a good person, my queen Lucette is everything in this route.

The bad ending is also super sad and the CG was so heartbreaking. To think if only Lucette would have said that he loved him (which she did) at the end to save him asdfghjkl, my feelings.

“How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it cause I cant ignore it if its love” - Accidently in Love, Counting Crows

“Oh, how it feels so real, lying here with no one near” - Tiny Dancer, Elton John

Karma

Now onto my manz Karmaaa

what a ride man

Honestly I didn't expect to like Karma that much. I mean, he was nice, he looked playful and I liked the teasing dynamic but I did not expect him to end at my #2 at all. But boi was I in for a ride. Once you get to know Karma? understand him and the reasons he is close off? how he truly doesn't consider anyone loving him as an option to break his curse? uh, um, excuse me to say this but, poetic cinema at its f i n e s t.

God and Karma and Lucette’s dynamic, iconic. He teaches her how to open up and live life, be happy, while she helps him realize he is much more than his looks and how he fell for his personality, god I love them.

Also the good ending was one of my favorites, they were just so comfortable with each other and I cant wait to see their dynamic with their family, its gonna be awesome. His bad ending was in my opinion, one of the worst too. Dying thinking the girl he loves never truly got to love him and see past the beast and just when she realizes he is holding the rose thing that he is Karma and she killed him? brutal

“Like the ache in my chest that my heart didn’t invite. But if the prettiest romance isn’t perfectly right, that makes every love lost just a holiday every night” - Paper Tigers, Owl City

“I could have another but I probably should not, I got somebody at home” - Honey I’m Good, Andy Grammer

Waltz

*Screams*

MY BOY WALTZ

*Resumes Screaming*

I knew he would be my favorite from the start. Girl loves me some sweet boys with some secrets to hide, and since the other routes gave tiny clues that they were childhood friends, big y E S.

What’s there not to love about Waltz?? he is not only a cute boy who is in love with her best friend, her only family left, and taught her how to become the good kind hearted person he knew she was deep on the inside but he would also give it all for her happiness?? they protect each other?? powerful witch couple?? uh por favorrr

His bad ending broke me, thinking his conscious is ruined thanks to Hildyr and watching the girl he loves become basically a puppet? heartless. And his good ending, their dynamic, everything everything I love Waltz and everyone should know it.

They are the biggest power canon couple to exist and I stan.

“Call a name I'm longing for, call the name that only you know. I'll find you there, in dreams we shared, that called us once before” - I’ll call your name, Dima Lancaster (Cover)

“And when I'm feeling small you get me through it all, Just like we were kids, just like we were kids again” - Kids Again, Artist vs. Poet

Anyways its over, it ended, I am coping, I will go back to staring at my screenshots of Waltz while I cry ;w;

[ajoyfuljoy]

1. My relationship with you began and ended in high school. You were the first person I thought I had loved, but you loved 12 other people. Our relationship was full of lies and tears. I lost my virginity to you and I was told thats how you lost yours, too. Every day was full of you hiding your phone and texting people behind my back. Our science teacher confronted me during ecology club one day and said he found a list of women that you had cheated on me with. The whole school knew, or at least that’s what it felt like. Everyone told me every day about you and her on the bridge during musical, or I heard another story about you with someone else- it never ended. I always liked school and you made me embarrassed to even go. My mom let me stay home multiple days because she was harassing me and telling all of her friends. I confronted all of the girls on that list and they all told me it was true. I even saw the text messages to prove it. Some girls you hooked up with while at school, some was before or after hours, some were just pictures or texts, one girl even snuck into your bedroom - a girl I thought was my friend. You even kissed my absolute best friend and brought her to your soccer game. When I asked you about the list and the texts that girls showed me you told me that they were having other people text them and then they were changing the name to yours- in order to frame you. We were walking around my block when we had this conversation as I sobbed on the sidewalk. I remember stopping under a tree and taking a sigh of relief that none of the things I heard were true. How did you get me to believe you? Was I just naive or were you just a good liar? Our relationship lasted for months after this until i heard it from your mouth that you were hooking up with someone else. I remember being at your house one day with joe and you were angry with me so you locked me in your bedroom threatening me and I screamed for joe. I don’t remember why you were so angry but of course you apologized and I forgave you. This was just the beginning.

2. It was a nice summer day at work and there were talks of a party going on. I quietly listened until I was asked if I wanted to go. I was 17 years old and never had alcohol or got drunk before. You were the manager and said we could close early and you’d drive me to a party with you. You were 20 or 21 at the time I can’t remember. You bought me twisted teas and we played beer pong at your buddies house. I drank beer and hated it. You took me back to your house after I got completely wasted and told me to text my mom and say I was somewhere else. And I did. We had sex in your bedroom and I can’t remember anything about it because I was completely hammered. We talked in the morning and I asked you if you used a condom and you couldn’t remember because you were also drunk. You bought me the morning after pill with a happy meal from McDonald’s because I needed to eat with it. I cried for days. You texted me a few days later and you said you were too old for me and you were going to get back together with your ex girlfriend. I quit my job and never went back there.

3. After you told everyone at work what happened, I got my name carved into the go kart hut in the back. Sloppy Rocco is what it said. My friend who worked there still sent me a picture and I felt emotions i never felt before. My one “friend” there invited me over for dinner at his parents house with his sister because he missed me since I didn’t work there anymore. I thought it would be fun and I knew your family would be there. I don’t remember much about your house besides that we are Brussels sprouts for dinner and there was a fly trap in your kitchen. We ended up hanging outside alone, I don’t know where anyone else was. You asked if I wanted a drink and I said no but you told me you bought me stuff anyways. I think it was something called Joose and it was grape flavored - I remember because I didn’t like grape. I ended up drinking it all and more. The next thing I remember I wil never get out of my head and not a single person knows about. You bent me over on the picnic table outside and kept thrusting into me. I didn’t like you. I wasn’t attracted to you. You were a bad person. I don’t even know if I told you to stop or if I tried to get away.. you were a big guy. But I didn’t want that. I don’t talk about it. I don’t wanna remember it. I don’t know what to say or what to feel. I put it in the back of my mind and pretended like it never happened. I won’t forget that night ever.

4. Then, I met you. What a long couple of years that was. The second I met you all you talked about was her. How you were only dating me because my ass looked like hers and I was blonde like her and since you couldn’t date her you dated me. You downloaded apps on your iPod to talk to her constantly since both of your family’s blocked each other and forbid you to talk. At the bowling lock in you spent the entire evening with her but we were dating. I never felt first in our relationship. I was always the person you never wanted. You wanted her. You told me at the bowling lock in that you wanted me to lose weight to look like her and I stuck my fingers down my throat and threw up in the bathroom. I spent that whole lock in sobbing on the bathroom floor of a bowling alley. In the morning when we could leave you refused to get in my car and walked home from broadway to your house. It was in the negatives that day and I remember driving down broadway trying to find you and I couldn’t. You made me feel like I should’ve been dead multiple times in our relationship. I remember telling you that you made me feel like I should kill myself. You never wanted to see me. Only on your terms. I’d beg for you to talk to me and I would go out and buy you a cake and mighty taco gift cards and bake you your favorite cookies and tons of monster and sit down the street until you told me I could come in. You always told me that you wanted to play video games and I could wait in my car. I spent hours sitting on your street sobbing. Asking what else I could buy that would make you want to hang out with me. Our relationship really hurt me and I never thought things could’ve gotten worse than that.

5. You were after that. You were obsessed with me in high school and somehow I ended up dating you. I basically lived at your house in your basement.. along with 3 of our friends. You were still fucking your ex girlfriend and your friends always told me. She would take pictures on Instagram in your hat and holding roses and I would ask you about it. You’d tell me that she must’ve bought the same hat or it was someone else’s and I believed that. Everyone knew this was going on and it took me forever to believe everyone who was telling me. I came over one day and she had just left. Your friend texted me to tell me that while we were in your bedroom. You forced me to have sex with you multiple times and I remember just sobbing and saying I didn’t want this I didn’t want to do that and you punched me in my lip. It turned black and blue and we had to go to my family’s house for dinner that night. You made up a lie about how we were wrestling and it happened. I don’t know if anyone believed it but it didn’t matter because I didn’t feel safe to even say the truth. Your ex lived around the block and every time it took you hours to answer me I drove to her house and saw your car there. On Mother’s Day you brought her mom flowers and spent the whole day there. You always told me that they were going through a rough time and you were just helping them out. You kept her on your phone plan and paid for it. You even brought me with you once to bring her a new phone. While we dated you told me I couldn’t speak to anyone. You had me on lock down and there were certain clothes you always told me I couldn’t wear. We went to a party at our friends house once and I ended up talking to an old friend. You saw me and immediately dragged me outside to call me every nasty name in the book. I called my mom begging for her to pick me up. I made her drive you home because you were drunk too. I can’t type out every bad moment with you because there were too many. You ended up changing as a person but by the time you did, it was too late. I already had every bad memory stored in my brain and nothing was able to fix that.

6. And then there was you. The person who I thought was going to heal every part of me, but instead broke everything even more. You were the worst thing to happen to me. You have been the worst part of my life. You made me feel worse than I ever have in my life and truly because of you - I am broken. You loved your ex girlfriend that’s why we broke up. She texted me to say you came to her house and have been harassing her and tried to kiss her. She sent me all the screenshots, but you ended up going on my phone while I was asleep and erasing them so I could never use them against you after that. But I read them. I read them all. You said “Wendy is really nice, she will understand why I’m doing this.” “You’re the one I love, she’s just here until you decide to come back to me” I remember going to my birthday dinner last year and I wanted to tag where We went. You told me I needed to delete it immediately In case she saw because it might make her upset. It was my birthday and I started crying in the waiting area before we even sat down. You’ve thrown things at me. You’ve told me I should die. You wrote in pen all over my bed. You stalked me down my street. You threatened my life multiple times. You told me every day I was a cry baby cunt who needed to grow up. You called me a bitch, slut, whore, cunt, asshole, and a liar almost every other day. I’d cry uncontrollably to the point where I would be throwing up. I’d hide in my bathroom because it was the only door at that apartment with a lock. You’d yell at me through the door and say “keep fucking crying you pathetic cry baby.” When I went to the doctor and told her how depressed I was she recommended counseling. I cried the whole way home and called you to tell you that I was going to go. You told me that I was weak and a crybaby and needed to get over myself and that you would break up with me if I went to counseling because you knew I would be talking about you. I got afraid and never went. I have about 10 voicemails on my phone from you still and I told my counselor that I listen to them often and cry and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I can’t get myself to delete these awful memories. Is it so I can remind myself how horrible you are? Is it so I know what I never want again in my life? You have control over my life still and my therapist sees that. I have let you break and ruin every part of me. We dated for a year and you never would say I love you to me and it broke my heart and now I’m afraid to say those words. I don’t wanna talk to anyone anymore I don’t want to open up I don’t want to love anyone and I can’t let you hold me down forever. You have ruined me.

I’m ruining myself. I’m letting all of these memories, all of these moments just break me. I’ve lost who I am as a person. How do you bury these things? How do I even talk to anyone about them? How do I move past and allow myself to feel again? How do I stop hiding in my bathroom every time I’m sad? How am I ever going to be me again?

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 4 | “ladies and gays.......the games have OFFICIALLY begun “ - Adam

I was immune three times so far this season. Three times. and FOR WHAT? I'm so screwed if I don't win this immunity challenge. I know I'm a weak link, so if I don't win this, hopefully *dan* doesn't either cause I might have to target him to save my skin. This is where I'm really gonna have to be social over the next day, cause my ass is quite literally on the line right now. I'm not getting 18th-16th, screw this.

ladies and gays.......the games have OFFICIALLY begun, at least for me but hopefully not just for me or uh i might be in trouble... but anywho, another brain went home sorry to this person and right when we all thought a swap of some sort was coming, BOOM a twist of all twists... EVERYONE is going to tribal, that means after this vote, we're gonna be down to 16 people just like that. But before we get there we have to get through immunity and tribal first, i saw that time was one of the tiebreakers and was doing nothing better so i figured lets get this challenge with, its counting how hard can it really be, once again however i completely underestimed my stupid bitchness! i was all the way into the 400s almost through before i MESSED UP .... TWICE ... so in the end i somehow still got 211 which i guess we'll see if that was decent, i dont think ill win but hopefully im just not last. This also means its time to start talking game, i hope no one is scared to talk game because im absolutely not. I'm not here to just sit in the shadows right away, I started messaging just a couple of the people i feel ive built some small connections with and just start to plant seeds about the vote coming up, i dont wanna throw any names out there until at least after we see who wins immunity, but as of now, connor might be a first easy boot?? either that or thats just what people are telling me to blindside me...idk im also still completely shook that the idol is out there, so i really want to vote out whoever has it so i can try to find it again.... but the only problem is i have no idea who has it, it could very well be someone i trust just keeping it to themselves like i wouldve...so we'll see, today is the calm before the storm, and i can tell you the storm is right over the horizon on its way to cause chaos for the beauties because we've been sitting pretty for far too long (pun intened), tomorrow after 9 once we see who wins, thats when i predict at least for me alliance chats and plans will hopefully start coming to fruition and uh hopefully its not me 

When you survived that vote out when you thought you were leaving https://media.giphy.com/media/5GoVLqeAOo6PK/200_d.gif When that twist comes out where three people all leave in the same round https://media.giphy.com/media/W7RVlWfc1O9gY/giphy.gif It's moments like this that make me realize that I should have tried to convince Devon to split up Autumn & Duncan last round. Because if Isaac was here, I could have easily gotten Devon and either Duncan/Autumn on board with voting out Isaac. Now we have to go to tribal AGAIN where we have to vote out a daddy :'( I'm still up in the air about what I want to do. Part of me is thinking about doing 2 options. 1 would be to utilize Devon to split up Autumn/Duncan. OR, I can align with Autumn/Duncan and vote out Devon. It's obvious that Autumn and Duncan are a duo, and I'm almost 100% certain that they'll tell Devon to vote me and me to vote Devon. Doing so gives them full power on who to send home, so I think my best bet is to vote with Devon this round. If Devon is as with me as he says he is, then the vote should tie. If Autumn/Duncan decide to vote me out over Devon, then I would hope Devon allows it to go to a tiebreaker. If they vote Devon, then I might just flip my vote and send Devon out of the game. Devon is a "i'm 100% loyal" type of person but at the same time, he also said the same things to me that he said to Duncan. So I don't trust him 100%. I wouldn't be surprised if the three of them just decided to vote me out. If I happen to win immunity, I might actually consider allowing Devon to go to a tiebreaker. I don't have anything to lose by having Devon and either Autumn or Duncan duke it out in a challenge. Devon sucks at challenges so he'd probably go home anyways, but at least the chance at staying is better than nothing. My goal is to win this challenge first and foremost. I hope that if I win that I have some power or influence in how this vote turns out. Given that I have a 25% chance at being voted out, anything can happen.

its literally so sad to see that the daddies have to go to tribal council. i made sure i didn't f*ck up in the immunity challenge and hopefully i have a good shot at winning it. Granted i survive this vote regardless, its going to be amazing to see the other tribes go to tribal council and test their tribe dynamics.This is like the equivalent of giving everyone a survivor wake up call. Just because we've been sucking doesn't mean we get to be spared by a swap.  No one deserves anything, you have to earn it. Worst comes to worse I would like to think I have to make fire against scott or devon, which at that point if i lose then i would have done everything i can to stay in this god forsaken game. I'm leaning more towards wanting Scott out but obvi if he wins immunity i have no issue voting for Devon. Can you imagine us not swapping after this and then having to go to tribal again!? Its starting to get quite comical that we've had to play so much already and we're not even close to merge. Wish a bitch luck i guess 

Waiting for these results really has me terrified about how I did. Personally, I like to think I did well in that challenge. Not to toot my own horn or sound cocky, but I spent some time practicing beforehand. I went on a word doc and just kept typing numbers a few times. I also practiced breathing techniques so that I wouldn't let nerves get the best of me when it came to the challenge. AND I also played some mantras in my head to remind me to stay focus and not eat into stress. My mantras include "slow and steady wins the race" and "take a deep breath, go with the flow, just do your best, and show what you know." I also gave myself a time limit as to how long I could spend on each part. I allowed myself 13 minutes to go up, and 17 minutes to go down. I wanted more time going down since by the end my hands would get tired and having little time at the end leads to stress/a potential mess up. So I'm glad I paced myself out with it. I was really scared that my challenge wouldn't count at first because my internet froze up right as I was ending. Luckily, I took the time to take screenshots with time stamps on them just in case something happened. Cause at first I was told "you didn't complete it" and that had me PETRIFIED!! Like I desperately need to win this otherwise I'm gonna get voted out. But luckily my screenshots came through and they accepted my score of 533. If I win this immunity, I have a good chunk of power in deciding who gets voted out. And on top of that, there's no immediate consequences for my decisions. From the looks of it, it seems like Autumn and Devon did really bad in that challenge. I'm hoping that Duncan doesn't do better than me. As for this vote, I think Duncan/Autumn are definitely going to vote together. Which means that I need Devon and I to stick together for this vote. If I win immunity, then I am 100% on board with voting with Devon this round. Autumn/Duncan are too strong of a duo and they need to be split up. Otherwise if we're still together on this tribe, I get the boot soon. I realize after this that I need to work on getting new allies in this game. If I can make it up until a swap, I think I have the potential to go far. I plan to make new allies with whoever is on the swapped tribe, and I'll mention that brains tribe is dead and if they need me to prove my loyalty, I'd be willing to vote out the other two remaining brains. We'll see what happens though. If Duncan does win immunity, then I might feel out to see if Duncan/Autumn are honest about voting out Devon and if I get the vibe that they are, I'll jump on that just to get myself to the swap. Ideally, I want Devon around since I know he'll be loyal to me, but this is a situation that is far out of my control. So, let's hope I win immunity this round!

Are all the Socotra people going to leave or like…? RIP Isaac truly, what a king! I am completely expecting a swap soon just because it makes tons of sense numbers wise? I hope we don’t because I have footing on this tribe which doesn’t happen usually so ghfjdksla

So after results, I’m mentally preparing myself for a swap because it WOULD happen yknow? Well this new twist? Has me gagged, gooped, shook, quaking, and confused all at the same time so yay for that! But yeah, it seems we’re having a nice little triple tribal feature tonight so get your popcorn folks cause the show is about to start! This twist does have me sorta shook just cause 3 people are leaving this round and we’ll be at F15… so in my head, this only confirms the fact that someone is gonna come back in the game at merge cause why wouldn’t the hosts do that? Well, I’m keeping an eye out for it all (and for Selener ofc)

Did I want to win this immunity challenge? Yes! Did that happen? No! Is that a bad thing? Honestly, not really! Like I am not the type of player that likes to be on people’s radars whatsoever so not being a winner of this game’s first individual immunity challenge is not something I can particularly mad about! Amir winning is cute like I love that for him <3 Adam did have me spooked that he was winning because he kept mentioning slightly high numbers BUT him and I did about the same so yay for us! While this vote is gonna be messy most likely, I do feel pretty secure and safe? I hate that I feel that way because I stay being caught off-guard when I feel that way but I’ve really focused on getting to know everyone here and letting the strategy come later so yeah (‘:

okay so today was about tying up lose ends. I had to clean up anything that could be used against me, and the main issue in my game right now is that i have built a great relationship with adam and i want him to stay, but my alliance does not want him to stay. My options are to save him with my idol, or convince my alliance to keep him, however, both could completely destroy my game. all 3 of them want adam gone, and its not worth it for me to go against all their wishes and it could make them doubt my loyalty, instead im going with the plan to vote adam out (i am so sorry u dont deserve it). However, i told augusto that adam told me about numbers at the bottom of the cast reveal. I realized that now there is leverage against me, that he or adam could use, so i have told the rest of the alliance about the numbers that adam found, hopefully to show them that im insanely loyal nejkwnfke even tho im not. But now, if i go againt adam, he has no dirt on me at all, and i can go through with the alliance's plan. Furthermore, I have a relationship with both austin and aj, so if adam goes, thats fine, ill just get closer to austin. Replace the relationship. Austin is also way less likely to lie or be a rat than adam would. if i could be swapped onto a tribe with duncan and autumn from the brains, i might just have to scoop them up! but i know autumn and ali are close

Me when I found out I won individual immunity at today's tribal and had the overall highest score out of every person in the game: https://media.giphy.com/media/1kIvUyWrdz88GKgtON/200_d.gif I was NOT expecting to do as well as I thought I did in that challenge. I expected to have won within my tribe, but not beat every single person in the game. i hope this challenge doesn't put a huge target on my back. I'm so happy that I won! Based on the mood of the camp right now, it seems like I needed to win. The only person who spoke to me prior to the challenge was Devon. Duncan's talking to me now, but I feel like it's only because I won immunity. I strongly believe that I needed this immunity otherwise I would have been voted out 3-1. Or at least a 2-2 tie if Devon is actually with me. But knowing that I play a major role in this outcome is a beautiful thing. If there was any tribal that I needed to be immune for, it would be this one. As for what I am thinking for tonight's tribal, I think that Autumn/Duncan are going to vote together this round. So this means that I could either vote with them to eliminate Devon OR I vote with Devon to cause a tie and have a tiebreaker challenge take place. Do I think Devon has a shot at winning this challenge? Honestly no... But I think voting with him has some added benefits. The first one is that it shows to everyone in the game that I'm about loyalty this time around. Secondly if he loses, it allows for me to make connections at a future swap. I can state that Autumn/Duncan are an obvious duo and that I have no allies. Showing off that look could help me gain new allies within the other tribes. Plus if Devon does win the challenge, then that's an ally I have going forward and I can state that vote as a move I made in this game at final tribal. Granted I've made moves so far in every vote during this game, but this is one that I can really emphasize towards me winning. But another reason I'm leaning towards keeping Devon is in the event that a swap doesn't happen and we lose again! By showing Devon that he almost left last round, I think he would 100% remain loyal to me for the rest of this game. However, it doesn't mean that I'm not open to hearing out other options. Devon does suck at challenges, so voting him out could be a good thing going forward. Plus I know for a fact that he's shady since he preached the same things to me that he said to Duncan. So I don't appreciate how he isn't being 100% truthful. Personally, I just don't trust any of the brains and need to jump on another tribe's bandwagon. I hope if I can make it to the swap that I can try to gain some new allies around here. Because I need people to make sure I get to the end. For now, I'm just going to hear everyone out and weigh out all of my options moving forward. I need to do what's best for Scottica going forward.

Whhhhaaattttt? Me uploading a confessional before 4 minutes before the next day??????? What a twist!!!!!! 

Anyways, the vote has come down to Devon leaving this round. Which doesn't surprise me, I expect Duncan/Autumn to not want to vote each-other out. Knowing that these two are unbreakable makes me want to work with Devon. But then Duncan also made the point that Devon comes off as the least threatening. Which is also true, he's the only one on our tribe who hasn't made it to the FTC yet. This has me thinking "let me talk to Devon about the tiebreaker challenge so he can figure out who he thinks he can beat" So I went into a call with Devon tonight basically expecting him to be down for a tiebreaker challenge against whoever he thought he could beat in the challenge, but ended up leaving the call actually wanting to vote him out because of how annoying he was throughout the whole call.... Me: "Hey Devon, Autumn and Duncan are 100% going to vote you out tonight. I will vote with you, but I need to know who you think you can beat in a tiebreaker challenge because if I vote with you, you need to win this challenge. Otherwise, I'll be public enemy #1 if you lose" Devon: "Well I think I could beat Duncan in a tiebreaker because he's throwing my name out there to try and get me out. Also, I've been completely honest with you this whole time so I hope that you'll vote with me tonight because I was going to go to the end with you. Anytime I was under the hot seat in Guyana, I made sure to win that challenge." Me: *looks at Guyana's wikia to see he won 1 immunity challenge and read confessionals about how he's a liar, a backstabber, and can't be trusted* The whole time he kept asking me who I wanted out and I'm like "none of the politics matter this round" Why? Because if it's a 2-2 tie, it comes down to how well you do in that challenge. Like I tried to tell this man he needs to bring his A game in the challenges. And he isn't even seeing that as a factor. Personally, I think Devon has a better chance at beating Autumn in a tiebreaker. Duncan performed better in all of the previous challenges so far. So the fact that he isn't really seeing this on a challenge performance level and more of a threat level shows that he doesn't see the severity of this situation. Chances are we will swap next round, so I can try vote Devon out and use connections to say "hey, I'm next to go on this tribe please align with me" in an attempt to get new allies. Plus Devon's paranoia really has me saying forget the whole tiebreaker plan and vote him out. UPDATE: I had to stop typing this confessional because Duncan called me to tell me Devon told him about the tiebreaker challenge and in all honesty Devon is a dumbass (sorry Devon) like his lack of perception in this game is TRULY astounding. Duncan and I basically spent the time bonding over his lack of sincerity and that Autumn is better for a swap. And with the performance he's putting on tonight, I'm ready to vote him out. I just have to hope we actually swap because if we do another tribe challenge and we lose AGAIN I know I get the boot. Also, I realize more and more that Devon really sucks at challenges and there's no way he can beat Autumn or Duncan at a challenge. So I guess I'm voting him out this round and then HOPING this doesn't come to bite me in the butt at the end. Sorry Devon. I wish I could have kept you, but you should have kept your mouth shut to Duncan & Autumn :/

... yeah I don’t think I can vote out Adam. Which is a shame because I made a promise and an alliance chat with Austin. But realistically Adam is a better player to keep around. He’s more easy going than Austin and more vengeful against the Brawn tribe which is definitely something worth keeping around. Also I accidentally just made an alliance with him. I really need to stop doing that before I start to face actual repercussions for my actions. Austin didn’t tell me his plans to vote out Connor so in my mind that’s sketchy as fuck. And I know he just got voted out of a game and I’d feel like a prick for voting him out. But we don’t have room for doubt in our tribe alliance. What if he’s trapped alone with Connor on a different tribe? Can we trust him not to vote for him? What if we merge and he feels the need to go off script? Will he just fuck off and do his own thing? And sure Adam most likely has an idol but he won’t have it forever. Sooner or later he’s going to have to use it and wouldn’t we be better off if he used it for us rather than against us? Then we can go in for the kill with his weapon down the hatch and our trust in his back pocket. Now I just need to express this to my teammates with out sounding like a psycho or a loon.

*sarah maclachlan playing in the background* hello ladies and gays, my name is adam, and welcome to..... my survivor funeral. In all my times playing tumblr survivor, the same situation has just ironically always happened to me, the very first tribal i partake in, my name ALWAYS gets thrown out there and i almost go home, but i somehow weasel my way out of it, and i think this time may be the one that finally gets me and stops me dead in my tracks this is gonna be a lot of tea so buckle up and get your teacups gorls, so basically immunity ends, i lose whatever i came close but ive never been one to need to rely on challenges to win, except maybe i did need this one, anywho after the challenges i go around and try to pick some brains, im hesitant about throwing a name out there but i did innevitably mention connor's name only to augusto/amir and austin mentioned voting connor to me first, i did say i felt disconnected to connor to austin first but i didnt say anything about voting him out first, anywho so im sitting here thinking...ok this seems too easy especially because i messaged other people aka augusto/amir and literally was getting no responses from them right away?? like im not an idiot, im of course assuming theyre plotting against me and normally im just being paranoid but NOT this time because AJ comes to me, because little does everyone know aj is definitely a friend of mine so he mentioned to me that kendall allegedly messaged this group chat they had the other day from the challenge i WILLINGLY sat out in, and was like "so obvious alliance without alex or adam and lets vote one of them out xD" like ooh ok you got me, congrats the only way you can play survivor successfully is by creating an alliance of circumstance that has nothing to build off of, its so frustrating the ONE time i really come into this game playing, like ive messaged and genuinely tried building relationships and for them to basically just all of the sudden be null and void over nothing??? it irks me i wont lie. It dissappoints me, and honestly upsets me. Im not an outwardly emotional person usually but im kinda upset over this? i know its a game and i shouldnt be taking it personally, but for me to have started building connections with people like augusto and amir and for them to just throw me down the river just because i wasnt included in their group bothers me. i guess i know its the name of the game, but what really upsets me is ive been TRYING and then theres people like connor who aj has said wasnt even ON the other group call for long at all and made no contribution??? but youre gonna vote me out.......someone who genuinely wanted to work with you people and am here to do so??? i guess on the bright side i can take some flattery if i leave first because aj said if they vote me over austin its because they view me as a bigger threat than him.....which they are 150% right to do so, however....they dont know im a threat!!!!! like i said some of these people havent even tried to get to even know me so how can you try and make conclusions about me already?????? AND YALL ARE REALLY SO DIMWITTED YOU THINK ID WORK WITH JAKEY ON THE OTHET SIDE BECAUSE I KNOW HIM???? what part of i voted him OUT last game, he NOR i have played since which shows you how traumatic it was, like i know he's against me already so im 100% not wanting to work with him. but guess what, if by SOME miracle i survive this tribal, and i would really need a miracle, if a swap comes soon i am 100% going to flip because augusto? dead to me. he can stream jlo for all i care. amir? sorry to this man who i barely know and tried to work with because we had a brief tumblr history together, which i barely knew him then either, clearly i made the right call not associating with him often, kendall, she's perhaps the fakest of them all, she basically messaged me and when i said what were you thinking she said "ive heard austin and connor but i DONT want to vote austin" so in my mind i know its really me or austin so good job, you just told the person you want out that you want them out. my plan now is to simply try to survive right now, and if that means having to vote austin out its what im gonna do, but aj himself has told me amir/augusto would be open to working with me had i proposed some type of alliance to them, so thats my next plan, i hope i can make them want to work with me over kendall/connor, and the 4 of us form a REAL alliance, and if they want austin ill vote austin, at this point i switch into flight or fight mode and as much as i love a good fight, i have to keep my claws put away for this one,  no one knows how BAD i want to just call out all of this tribe for lying right to my face and keeping me in the dark for no reason other than a pure coincidence, if they vote me out ill tell them off as i walk out of course, but i really dont want to blow up ajs game and i want this plan to work.... so ive got to shut my big mouth right now and try to outplay as much as i would like to just outscream them all right now.. anywho, its not looking good for me. i have about a 45% chance of survival i feel like, so send me all the positive energy you can because a bitch needs it, god speed yall and ill see you on the other side one way or another...

ugh one last thing i forgot......if im really voted out first and get that cirie hvv treatmeant because in my mind i just WANT to be her.......lets omit this time! no need to update the wiki, we'll press delete and pretend this moment never happened because thats how im going to treat it especially these FAKE ass PHONY ass people. FRAUDS. all of them. like i get it, im a fake bitch at times obviously like thats the game but im not used to people being fake to ME like it hurts especially when you think youre feeling real bonds with people..... i- lemme not start going on and on again. im not a quitter, im a tough cookie, ive had way worst problems in life ive figured out on my own and luckily im not completely alone with aj unless he's just been playing me which then OUCH that would hurt 1000x more but i genuinely dont think he is, at this point i trust him with my life in this game because i feel like he's my key to staying. i need him, and i need augusto/amir, even though they've hurt my feelings and i want my revenge, i have to compose myself and play my cards right, this is a war, not a battle, and while i may lose all at once, i have to play the move i think will most best keep me here one night longer ...  

oh gorl ok i promise LAST ONE i just have to get this off my chest! ok so, after thinking about it and smoking a nighttime bowl i'm less UPSET about the possibility of me going home first on the beauty's and now i'm just more confused, augusto did message me back and was saying he'd be interested in my proposed alliance however he could easily be lying to me since he's been lying to me already this whole game however i have no choice other than to try this hail mary, i also think i'm gonna try to plant doubt against kendall because she directly told me she was basically voting me out, so i'm gonna go around and tell people she refused to vote austin out, because she did say that, and hopefully they don't just give in to her bidding. i can't really be mad, we won't be singing amigas cheetahs tonight, but i'm gonna turn my frustration into work, i see multiple scenarios in my head the moment i start to feel the one i'm in is heading south so right now my only chance of making it through is pushing this alliance and testing the connections i've been trying to build, wish me luck if i hear something good from amir there might be a glimmer of hope? probably not but i'll absolutely try just for the good edit of a dramatic tribal dahling 

So first off, fuck Skype. Because if Skype wasn't a laggy ass bitch, I would have won that immunity. But it's fine because I don't think I'm going anywhere just yet. It's been very refreshing to have multiple people come up to me and say they want to work with me. Like Jakey obviously has been the person I've been able to talk to openly since Day 2. And I knew Dan and I had a mutual bond that would allow a good amount of trust, so it was nice to see that become much more evident when he came to me to talk game. Now I have Jordan and Ali who both said they want to work with me / guaranteed not write my name down. And Liam is hardcore pitching to me and actually making a lot of sense. So now even though I thought I would go for Liam this round, I actually think I may push for Lovelis to go. It's a weird thought that the person I just finished a game with would be the one I'm going to probably vote tonight, but it may make the most sense for my game. I admittedly also don't think everyone voted out is going to get eliminated. My guess is one of them survive and then we have a swap with 2 tribes of 8, but we shall see!

It’s tribal time y’all! My alliance (me, Amir, Kendall, Connor) had the idea of adding AJ to our circle as it would be super easy to do so as we all are in a challenge chat together which is nice. I do really like AJ now like we’ve really connected these past few days and have had a little duo-bond going on so this 5 person alliance is the best chance for us to get even closer in a game-sense. We all went on call and discussed the topic of Adam versus Austin. While AJ and Amir would prefer to keep Adam, Kendall prefers to keep Austin. I’m genuinely on the fence because I like both of them and they both like me a lot? I tried to rationalize it in a game sense of Austin is slightly more transparent and easier to read while also having a weird social game that would keep one of us over him in a swap scenario. Adam, on the other hand, is probably more dangerous long term as he could cause more damage and his relationship with Jakey is very up in the air in terms how it affects us in a swap. So for the immediate future, Austin would be better to keep around because of a swap but thinking about the long-term, Adam could be better as he could be a shield? It’s interesting like this vote really is about weighing instant gratification versus delayed gratification and seeing which helps us out more?

While on our 5 person alliance chat call, AJ ended up revealing how the idol system works which…. YAAAAASSS we won! A thing that concerned me is that he said someone had already found something which is likely Adam considering he had told Amir about the numbers thing beforehand? That is just my gut telling me that though but it’s something we gotta think about hmmmm… very inch resting.

Not Kendall and I making an alliance with Austin ghfjdsk, it FINALLY happened but it’s kinda silent so far? I’m kinda side-eying Austin as when I talked to him about the vote, he had only mentioned Adam to me whereas he mentioned Adam and Connor to other people so it’s like… do you REALLY trust me? I don’t really know anymore, it’s something to keep in mind though!

We had agreed on voting Adam and not gonna lie, I feel awful about it from a personal standpoint? I really really like Adam like we have so many similarities and common interests so I’ve really grown to appreciate our bond. Adam had mentioned making an alliance with me, him, Amir, and AJ and told me that he wanted to ask me how I felt about that before he told the others because he really values my opinion which made my heart cry. To make matters worse, he told me how he feels he can FINALLY experience a game where he has genuine people he likes to work with and cause damage like AHHHH I feel so bad because a part of me wants to keep him but my loyalty to my people is outweighing that? Like I do genuinely want to keep Adam because he’s amazing and I would feel awful voting him out because I think he’ll take it the most personally from me and I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s pain/sadness ever yknow? Ugh, it’s just a lot and I probably seem like an emotional mess but I think I have to put more value in my head over my heart in this game and this could be a start? 

I went to bed sad about having to vote Adam today and I woke up to Kendall wanting to call me. We go on call and debate whether the fact we wanna vote for Adam to begin with and we were both kinda like… we honestly don’t? Not just because we like Adam but Austin is not being as transparent or present as we would’ve hoped so it kinda helps us make our decision for us? I did tell her about Adam’s alliance proposal because I also want to be as transparent as possible and even flipped it in a way that we can make Adam feel extra comfortable with a false majority so if he does have an idol, we can keep him from ever playing it. Not just that, but we can also convince Adam to vote Austin instead of Connor like he wants to by us falsely stating Connor helped out tons in the challenge and while he won’t be completely active, that’s to our benefit and not a detriment at all. We then got on call with AJ and he agreed with our points so yay for saving Adam? I’m genuinely happy with this especially since Adam does benefit my longer term game and I love him so <3 

I am SHAKING right now. It's obviously come down to either between me or Liam L, and it sucks! I didn't want to vote out Liam but my hand has been forced at this point! He's been on away all morning so I've made my move, trying to hit up Ali, Jordan, Jakey, TJ, even Dan (who answered me then went on away c':) I THINK I've done a good job of speaking as to why I'd like to stay? Jordan is keeping me updated and TJ said he will as well, so I hope they're telling the truth..

Since it's been awhile, there are a few things to go over: 1. The alliance between myself/Scott/Duncan/Autumn has been so successful so far. We survived three straight tribal councils after losing three straight competitions. We didn't waiver a single bit from one another and that is so rare in Survivor. 2. Going into this round, I thought my only chance was to enter a tiebreaker against Duncan and try and win in a competition. I pleaded to Scott for his vote, but he was skeptical. 3. With my back up against the wall, I confronted Duncan in hopes of flipping his vote. As a result, a chat between myself/Duncan/Scott was created. 4. As long as Scott/Duncan aren't playing me, this could very well be the fourth tribal council in which I survived with my name being mentioned in three of them. Slithering doesn't always work, but this round has been the toughest one to date. 

it's still day 9 and SO much more has already happened... i could be writing to you from the grave with this, but i think, maybe just maybe, i might have a shot at staying now. its so crazy how fast this game really changes, last night i was in a horrible mood (so SORRY  to everyone i dragged in my last confessionals my feelings were hurt and i was moody i take it back! especially telling augusto to listen to jlo that was just CRUEL. howvever it was because i thought it was game over me, i saw this major alliance form right in front of my eyes that i was on the outs in, and with the help of AJ, i was able to just maybe infiltrate and create my own counter alliance with some of the people from that majority who just might like me a little bit more. Even if i get voted out tonight, i can go out with my head held high now because even if these people are playing me, ive tried my best and attempted to make some form of a move even if the move is just saving myself, i wanted to maybe work with austin but however i dont see it in the stars for us anymore This is why ive worked hard on maintaining steady social relationships, this right here, because today i made an offical alliance chat with Me, AJ, Augusto, and Amir, and while i definitely still have my doubts about Augusto/Amir, right now im stuck with them. If i want to survive this vote, i need to see if i can trust them, if they are legit about being real to my proposed alliance instead of their other one, theyll vote with me tonight and we'll take baby steps and go from there. I absolutely have been playing the pity card, with all of them and even kendall. I'm making sure people think im just this nice funny person who wants to play the game and have a shot, which is true, but im willing to do anything to stay, its just funny to me how last night i was having a breakdown over everyone saying im a threat and wanting me out, and i didnt completely get it at first, but you know what if the vote really doesnt fall on me tonight and i somehow survive, then maybe theyre right and maybe i am a threat if i can help to flip this whole tribe in a matter of hours. I even begun platning seeds against kendall because i know she was throwing my name around and you most certainly wont get away with that sis. I begun telling people she refused to vote for austin, because she did, she foolishly told me that and now im gonna use it against her. I dont think I can pull off voting her out this round, i need to focus on saving myself, but just know she's awoken the beast and i have her in my future sights. pray for me yall, im playing every single card i can in what could be a hopeless last ditch effort. But i think my odds of staying may really be going up, unless these people are just THAT good at being fake then....they got me gal. 

This tribal council is really about to raise my blood pressure huh? Its crazy cause I am quite confident I am not going home tonight, I would say most of the tribe as well feels that way and most i think should. As far as im concerned Myself, Dan (whose immune duh), Ali, Jakey and even TJ knows that its gonna be one of the Liams. Liam is aware that hes at risk cause hes been innactive and is throwing out lovelis name. Lovelis, I think doesnt know hes at risk, which is dumb cause he has not had a good social game so far and just thinks its easy on Liam. It might not be though, Liam has been ramping up his game a bit to try to stay safe (my advice to him of course) and I think it may be working. Obviously I know I can trust Liam and in most other circumstances i think I would work with him without question, however because this is a main season and he played in survivor jordan pines, its such an easy link to us that I just worry how it might affect ME down the road. Obviously if I can keep Liam safe tonight I will, but I am not fighting a hard fight to keep someone who may eventually be a detriment to my game whereas lovelis could be a lot of different possibilites. Im unsure where the road goes now, I think I am gonna call with my alliance of Ali Jakey and Dan later to try to think of a name, we just need to make a decision between the two already so I know which i should be priming up to be a goat for me and which I should cut loose haha.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1LHsOiuD0RNMuor24fzziE04b_iTVsFRD/view?usp=sharing

okay so my video confessional is uploading but i think liam lovelis is doomed! he seems like a king but he needed to put in work to stay this round and i dont think he did unfortunately :(

well, in a sick turn of events, we did NOT swap tribes! in fact we were punished for god knows what as all tribes were required to go to tribal, so immunity was individual! the challenge itself was HELL and i am not going to talk about it other than the fact that i literally could've won if i didn't fuck up the second time. thankfully amir won, so i'm happy! going into tribal, however, i was in the mood to vote either austin or connor. i've kinda connected with everyone else on the tribe totally to the point where i don't want to vote them off right now, and while both are amazing, i ain't really CLICKING with them like that. but to be fair, they both have outside priorities like work and school so i can excuse the lack of conversation. i assumed initially that it was going to be a matter of no one wanting to step on any toes, so there'd just be a bunch of "oh i haven't heard anything yet" and beating around the bush, BUT kendall swooped in and declared our challenge chat from the last immunity (which consisted of her/me/augusto/amir/connor) an alliance, to which we all agreed. obviously i wasn't gonna turn it down! these were people who i really vibed with! it just sucks that someone like adam was a victim of circumstance and isn't able to be able to be apart of the alliance. we all (bar connor) hopped on call to discuss a vote and while it seemed like austin was gonna be the initial vote based off of what everyone was saying, ADAM ended up being the target that night. i played along and just went with it but i knew i had to do something since i wasn't gonna let adam go out like that. i tried to wave the caution of a potential idol play by bringing up the tomb system and how i cracked the code (per adam's hard work), but at the time it only pushed that vote further! we were under the impression that adam was throwing around connor's name, but on the contrary it was austin from what we've gauged. adam went to augusto i believe and brought up that he's heard connor, which only could've came from austin! this is where the conversation itself started to take a turn, so the vote went from adam to adam(?). everyone dispersed and like 5 minutes later i called adam DJKALSJFKJ. i had to let him know what was going on! he, of course, began panicking and started plotting on how he'd bounce back from this and i was a little weary at first. one thing i didn't want him to do was throw me under the bus or snap, it wouldn't his or my game for that matter. so i suggested he try to craft an alliance with myself, augusto, and amir. while he doesn't really trust the latter and plans on flipping in the event a swap comes, i knew that it'd be way harder for the vote to NOT be adam if he put them in this kind of position that austin isn't offering them. i went to sleep and when we woke up, kendall proposed another call! thankfully, she suggested flipping to austin, to which augusto and i agreed, because honestly adam does NOT deserve to be the first person gone from this tribe. so like that the vote went from adam to austin and things were pretty cemented, with it not changing as of the time i'm writing this. we're currently under the impression that austin is voting connor, which is fine since we got connor's blessing to keep his name out there since we DID here it, and it's best to keep adam feeling safe. ugh the way i was expecting a HEADACHE this morning if things didn't start the change like oh brother... bless up. p.s. chrissy hofbeck let me DOWN. i love that queen but she replied to my dm for the first challenge which was almost over a week ago today?! wow chrissy. 

So we're just a couple hours until tribal; essentially the whole tribe has agreed to do Lovelis at this point, and now somehow Lovelis knows that Liam had been targeting him. A couple people think that Ali is the reason why, but there's a chance it was me who actually is at fault because I confirmed it to Lovelis after he asked a second time, but I'm not going to full out admit that there was a chance that it was me (other than explaining the first half of my convo) because people doubting Ali is actually going to be kind of decent for my game. Ali is a huge threat moving forward and I trust Jakey, Dan, and Jordan more than him at the moment, so if it poses some doubt... it may not be the worst thing in the world. Russell hat might be out today ;)

okay so i have a video confessional uploading but i unfortunately think liam lovelis is going home! i love him so much he is so lovely, but i think he didn't put the work he needed to, to stay. would love to work with him in a different game, in a different situation but am sad it wasn't to be. i love my brawn men and i'm SO SAD that we are probably going to be separated. also im so sick and alyssa is gonna wonder who the old crone wheezing on call is and its me

So I won immunity hehehehe we love being masc and winning comps. But anyway I’m happy I’m safe going into the triple tribal. It’s all I really wanted. Should be an easy vote. Lovelis is just like not around enough. And he’s connected to TJ, so it will be nice having TJ somewhat to myself without distraction? That’s probably not actually the truth but let’s pretend it is. 

Adam wants to make an alliance with me and Augusto and Aj, but like, fuck. It’s too late. The 3 of us are already with Connor and Kendall, but Adam is being genuine and honest with us and it’s just really sad that this is the way this has to go down. If I was in his position I’d be so sad, so it’s making this game hard, but the logical part of me knows that eliminating him at this moment is the right move . I haven’t played these games in almost 3 years, and I know that you have to be a predator in this game, not prey, and you can’t let your emotions stop you from positioning yourself as best as possible. Do what u gotta do and feel bad later ! But for the record, I do feel damn awful for this , sorry adam

What in the fuck I literally woke up and my alliance wants to KEEEEP ADAMMMMMM KDJDJDSNSJSNKDNDKDDNDND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CANNOT TELL IF IM HAPPY OR PISSED OFFFFFF I can work with Adam, and I can be tight with him, but the alliance known that Adam told me about numbers on the blog and i made ppl think he has the idol, so as long as Kendall Augusto and Aj don’t spill those beans to Adam, him staying is still okay in my game, this just puts me in a slight risk zone, it’s a loose end And I don’t really know how to go about it I’m not gonna try and convince them to remove Adam when he obviously trusts me Kendall is a damn crackhead I love her tho like in a weird way I really do trust her??? I feel like I can read her pretty well I literally can’t go to sleep without my alliance changing fucking everything I CANT SLEEEEP ever again huh Chile... tbis is our first vote and I’m ??  

is it against the rules to go to my alliance members houses one by one and jump them?

Amir u stupid ass bitch... dipping my hands into too many cookie jars i got close with adam and then distanced from him cuz he was leaving and now i got to get closer again cuz hes staying. but adam likes me and augusto the most on the tribe i think me and augusto are the closest with everyone on our tribe and that makes him my biggest social threat, but hes also my closest ally so like this is good at this stage, we have a lot of pull

okay so this twist is crazy and i'll like properly articulate my thoughts tomorrow but all i want to say is everytime autumn messages me i get such a rush of seretonin - wow do i stan her.

These are my pre-triple tribal thoughts https://youtu.be/18jIBeTw_lY

Well well it seems these bitches haven't got rid of me yet. I don't feel they will give me a chance to actually be back in the game but I'm gonna fight my ass off to try. I love the game and I dont go down easy.  I'll kiss ass or do whatever I have to do to save myself . Tumblr survivor gods please please please be with me 

hey you guys its me adam and im coming to you from the survivor afterlife because they succeeded and just voted me ou- wait.... wait a minute, wait what?? the hator beauties DIDNT vote me out?????? GORL i am counting my blessings that my dumbass somehow survived the first vote, ESPECIALLY after finding out my name was not only thrown out there, but that it was a LOCKED plan. Literally sent me into a whole tizzy and caused me to doubt my self worth because i felt so bad about my gameplay but BITCH, i still got it. Yes, the rumors are true, you CANT kill a bad bitch. MANY THANKS TO AJ. I absolutely give credit where credit is due, if it weren't for aj telling me about the plan to get me out, i never would have played as hard as i did today, before i went to bed last night i basically talked to everyone, kendall/amir/augusto and was just making sure they all heard me out, i played up big time that i wanted to just be here for the team, and how BADLY i wanted to be able to play with loyal people, especially when i made the alliance chat for me/amir/augusto/aj because aj told me they did say theyd be open to an alliance with me so i think me doing all that and then of course aj's impact from the inside definitely lead everyone to change their minds and so then today the plan was shifted to austin i didnt want to vote austin honestly, but at that point it was me or him and my instincts always are fine with it, AS LONG AS IT AINT ME. PERIOD. They absolutely made the wrong choice though, because especially LEARNING all the information i did, ill never trust a single person on this tribe again, except aj, and i will absolutely be looking for the cracks and to possibly flip in. also after tribal , we got bombarded with this twist, SOMEONE IS COMING BACK FROM ONE OF THESE 3 TRIBALS???AND WE'RE ON A ONE WORLD BEACH NOW??? gorl its time to get to WORK, immediately upon entering this beach with everyone, austin messages  ALL the beauties swearing he wants to work with us still if we bring him back- but then goes and messages EVERY other person, and here's the best part- INCLUDING THE OTHER PEOPLE VOTING TO COME BACK IN AJFSDKH LIKE WHAT HE ASKED DEVON TO VOTE HIM BACK IN I WAS SCREAMING austin, thank you for showing the beauties we made the right choice, and hopefully we pull it off and you dont come back, sorry nothing against you though!!! im immediately leaning towards bringing devon back, because well the brains are just not really a threat at the moment and the last thing we need is braun gaining a number on us. Austin also told me my name was an option for the vote from tribal, which i completely was aware of but had to act like i didnt know because i didnt want aj exposed, HOWEVER now that austin has brought this up i can freely mention it to whomever now, so i immediately bring it up in my chat with amir/augusto and lemme tell yall.... ive never heard a silence quite this loud. whats wrong? yall dont wanna be honest with me about having a whole alliance just to conspire to vote me out????? this was a test from me, i gave them the oppurtunity to come clean and they refused. it shows me i clearly cant trust them, but again, until i know what the hell is going on in this game now, im stuck with them until i can make a move against them. kendall also came to me saying "hey can i ask you something" so i go sure gal whats the tea and she asks me "was i an option for the vote because austin said i was" so i was like omg no! of course not!!! because realistically she wasnt, even though she absolutely shouldve been for daring to raise her tongue against me IM ONTO YOU SIS... i know exactly what shes doing, she knows austin is telling me i was an option so shes probably hoping by telling me that i wont believe austin, but silly girl, i already knew about all yall's trifling ways!!! anyway, send fucking help we need it, the beauties are the FAKEST group on this island. im having better conversations with people from the other tribes i dont even know during this one world twist... also was able to catch up with jakey....that was interesting, we always have great convos because like we just know each other so well, and he's acting like he's forgivven and forgotten about challengers vs. champions, but i know him well enough to know he's NOT going to trust me this game because well...if i were him i absolutely wouldnt trust me either, we're kinda like parvati/amanda in hvv. Ill keep him on my backburner, incase we swap and im with him i at least want a fighting chance, if i HAVE to work with him but i probably will end up having to target him because i know him all too well and how he plays, its dangerous for EVERYONE. (but mostly for me, which is what's most important) 

Of course it wasn't a swap! That would be too easy!!!!!!!!! No we had to make it as dramatic as fucking possible and vote some sap back into the game!!!! UGH Well, at least this gives us all time to scout out the competition. And believe you me it has taken a lot of will power to not compulsively make another alliance. I mean, I did, but like with Jordan Pines so that doesn't count. I have reunited with my Survivor Dad Scott, my pizza molester friend Liam, former Gorlley Duncan, and my former arch enemy Jakey. I say former but Jakey clearly doesn't see me that way. He still had me on block and allegedly the first thing he messaged Adam was if "it was safe to unblock me". Like dude, Neverland was 4 years ago get a grip. I mean yeah, I'm playing up the arch enemy aspect on my side but that's more for my own amusement/Adam's loyalty. I genuinely didn't have an opinion on him anymore. I mean, I do NOW but I assure you it is purely built on self defense. Admittedly, I wasn't on my best behavior during that time and I will apologize for it but damn dude keep my name out of your mouth. Speaking of people who won't shut the fuck up, we have Austin!!!!!! He has made a point to swear loyalty to Brains, Brawn and Beauty. Which I get you have only 24 hours to find safety but like do better. He also told Adam that we were targeting him at first tribal council, which is admittedly accurate but also incredibly inconvenient for the rest of us. Luckily Adam seems to hold us in higher regard plus I miggghhhhhtttttt have lied to him a wittle wit in order to make him doubt Austin. 9:49 PM Hey can I ask you a question? Adam, 9:52 PM omg of course 9:53 PM Was I an option for last tribal? Adam, 9:53 PM omg 9:53 PM It’s okay if I was but you have to tell me if my name was written down Adam, 9:54 PM absolutely not??? like im not even joking i did not HEAR your name once or even consider you myself and if anyone else did they never said it to me did austin tell you that? I know every season I'm very insistent on how evil I am but I genuinely believe this season I've crossed several ethical boundaries. Like damn, I voted out my first game ally, I tricked both AJ and Adam into thinking they are in a position of power, and now this bullshit? I genuinely hope that this doesn't blow up in my face cause it very well could but if it doesn't... well now I have a spare ally. So obviously Austin is not coming back under any circumstances. Which leaves the two other schmucks: Lovelis and Devon. Lovelis has yet to message me anything and Devon has been a fun conversation. So... as you can see this is going to be a very tough call. I am going to have to pray on it :/. What's that Survivor Jesus? You think we should save Devon? Ehhhh let me talk to Survivor Buddha first, I'll get back to you. 

just as much i know yall wish i would shut up these people CONTINUE TO TRY ME AND PUSH MY BUTTONS AND I CANT TRUST ANYONE CLEARLY SO I HAVE TO COME HERE TO RUN MY BIG MOUTH basically, i wake up this morning and while i know austin is just on a beauty tribe crusade throwing us all under the bus to try and get the votes back in, which i completely cant blame him for anyone considering we all did blindside him, HOWEVER i decided to message him again this morning and try and get some more tea out of him, i figure if he's hear i may as well hear him out now, in no way shape or form do i plan on voting for him to come back into the game, but i want this information for my own good, so i decide to ask him who all was telling him to vote for me and what was said, and he tells me that kendall, amir, and augusto all said my name AND that apparently they were calling me a rat too?? now, i know, he's desperate so he'll say whatever, but i firmly believe there's usually a little truth to every lie, so upon finding this out i decide im sick of holding it in, so i message augusto and amir to basically call them out. i wanted to play it very carefully because once again its a test of trust, are they gonna be upfront with me and let me know i was on the chopping block, even if they were considering voting for me as long as they told me, id possibly be able to move foward with them, but again, just like last night, i mention it today and i get LIED TO. augusto wants to play dumb and say "omg i never said that! why would i ever say that about you?!" well idk, why would you act like you're my friend and wanna work with me only to join a super alliance behind my back and make a plan to vote me out? he's lied to my face now more than once and so with that, CANCELLED. Amir at least told me he heard my name but guess what he obviously wasnt gonna do it, which is still a lie i know they all agreed to my name because of aj, but at least amir didnt completely undermine my intelligence and lie to me about it. THESE PEOPLE REALLY THINK IM ADAM THE CLOWN, ADAM THE FOOL, ADAM THE DUMMY WHO CANT FIGURE ANYTHING OUT, WELL GUESS WHAT BEAUTIES. I DID. i completely feel like sandra on the villains tribe, i cant STAND these people anymore and what annoys me more than them lying to me, is them thinking theyre clever enough to trick me with this stupid ass lie kendall made up about how austin was saying the vote was on her like gorl plea we still have a few hours on this one world beach, so i decide now is my time to START planting seeds to make my move. i have to be extremely careful here, because while the beautiues have completely enraged me and awoke the beast within, im absolutely gonna return their fakery with absolutely fraudulentism. yall wanna lie to me? ok game on, ill lie 10x as hard to you now. i obvioulsy want to just blow my top and make them feel stupid because i know theyre lying, but i have to be smart, for all i know after this person comes back, we could very well head to our same tribes still, or i end up with a beauty majority and i need them to think im with them .. BUT GOOD GOD PLEASE GIVE ME A TRIBE SWAP, AT THIS POINT ID PROBABLY GET MORE STIMULATING CONVERSATIONS WITH TREES THAN THIS TRIBE. Whoever told them they were beautiful people actually lied to them because theyre all UNQUALIFIED to be on the beautys. at this point i want devon to come back, ive had nice little convos with him and im trying to talk to all the brains to be quite honest because, if it were up to me, i would absolutely flip and work with the brains if they would allow me to work with them because clearly i cant trust the beauties???? HELL, I MIGHT EVEN HAVE TO WORK WITH JAKEY IF HE'D TRUST ME JUST BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY CANT TRUST THEM??? the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and at this point, the beauties are my enemy. im really hoping my big mouth doesnt get me in trouble because i could be talking to these brains and they very well could go behind my back to the other beauties and im voted off soon, but im hoping they just realize based on the convos im trying to have with them, that im absolutely open to flipping, the beauties may be the devil i know but id rather go home trying to make a move rather than just sitting on the bottom waiting to be picked off, and if the beauties think im gonna just be that person, they made a grave mistake in not voting me out then. If youre gonna throw my name out there, vote me out because i guarantee once i hear it, ill never trust you again. in conclusion, this video about sums up how i feel about the rest of the beauties: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_iM4Z8FkQg

Jeff Probst Voice: And meanwhile on One World Jakey teaches Kendall how food delivery works. djfadklajdkfajkfdjafklds; I feel like a bit of an ass. Me and Jakey talked it over, turns out neither of us entirely remember what our feud was about. We also agreed to be a secret duo while playing up our 'alleged" animosity. I'm keeping him at arms length because I don't entirely trust him but he's easy to talk to, and who am I to decline a free ally. Austin meanwhile continues to spiral further. I feel kind of bad honestly but not enough to save him. He apparently told Adam that we called him a rat? Which, we did a lot of things to Adam but nothing directly disparaging his personality. He's a really pleasant and nice person, he's so pleasant and nice everyone else in the alliance was super reluctant to vote for him while his name was on the table. Which was kind of infuriating at the time but now that we are dealing with this shit storm it's a nice quality. Devon is laying it on thick with me. He has said shit like "I'm rooting for you in the VL" and " I obviously want YOUR trust more than anything in this game" okay that one in hindsight could be a reference to needing a vote. On the other hand he's been very straightforward about not making any promises and I really respect that. It's interesting how everyone wants him back, including the people who voted him out. Which makes me curious, did they plan for this? Lovelis is still a non entity... tribal is in like an hour and fifteen minutes you think he'd pop in with a sup or something? In terms of the idol talk, Jordan and I have compared notes. I told him that Adam probably has it and he told me everyone on his tribe knew about the numbers. So... if we switch it up or go back we can double check and look to see if it's there. I don't entirely trust people on the outside. Don't get me wrong I get along splendidly with Brain and 4 out of the 6 Brawn players seem to enjoy my company. But my loyalty first and foremost belongs to the beauties. You know that, I know that, now let's keep them from figuring that part out. ;)  

okay so, i survived my first tribal. my anxiety was really acting up and i like astral-projected during it, but i survived which is what counts. i've tried to take today off because i dont want this game to be ali has an emotional meltdown the entire time and i think im doing okay. anyway SO liam lovelis went home and i really like him but its also like, he really was not putting in the work to stay, and i really respected Liam M's hustle! so it was what happened, and him fighting Liam M was kinda mean JASKDF like idk what he expected Liam M to do instead, it was just the way things shook out. okay and then we have this crazy twist.. the hosts really really said you are anxious? time to get anxious-er. so we are voting either devon, austin or lovelis back into the game. lovelis has fully gone ghost (at least for me), and i think he is kinda done with the game so i think its gonna be between austin and devon. i think devon is who is going to come back, he is handling this perfectly just chilling and being straight up. otherwise so the people i have spoken to since is: Duncan - a king!! he is one of my oldest org friends, he has a different energy now, am determined to prove to him i'm not annoying anymore - loved that he admitted to me he used to find me annoying Augusto - he is really lovely, already clearly MEGA social which is really scary! i like him a lot tho could be a good person in a swap Devon - seems like a king get good energy from him. think he is painting austin as messier than he is and is spreading the narrative of austin making deals but im not fussed austin- seems sweet but idk if he has handled this round right AJ - a king i like his energy!! but yes hopefully devon comes back and i get a good swap... that we pray for

This was such a simple game when I just had me and my cute lil alliance of 4 and that was just 2 days ago.So much has happened in the past 2 days. -Our alliance of 4 creates an alliance of 5 with aj included. -Adam makes a 4 person alliance of me aj and Augusto. - the vote goes to Adam and we all tell everyone it’s Adam, and then it’s changed to a Austin - Austin wants back and to end the beauties. Also exposed us to Adam -Devon wants to come back but brains also want him back, -Duncan wants to work with me -duncan is super tight with Scott and autumn and wants me to get close to them - I’m getting close to jakey, and building a bond with Jordan and dan. - an interesting dynamic is that Duncan doesn’t like Ali, Duncan loves autumn, and autumn loves Ali. - Adam and jakey are also at odds 

OH MY FUCKING GODDDDD I JUST ... HAD AN EPIPHANY AND IM PROBABLY BEING INSANE, but i think... i think that adam and aj are super close and have a final 2. The vote was originally adam, but the night after we told aj, adam compaigned hard and we all changed our minds. Furthermore, they both knew about the idol system. FURTHERMORE, adam was like "i feel like im missing out on so much" during the unscramble challenge but he had no way of knowing we were all on call. They both know l'shei, they both have the same emoji in their name, they both just replied to me saying something similar at the same time. It is basically all coming together in my head and long story short, we fucked up. Augusto, connor, and kendall have no idea how much we really fucked up but this all could be me making shit up but idk idk ahahahahahahhahahahhahahahaha we r FUCKED AJ HAS AN ALLIANCE WITH ME AND AUG KEND CONNOR IF HE TOLD ADAM LMAAOOOOO WE R FUCKKEDDD

WHEW this game, this game. Y'all have taken me on so many emotions in the past 48 hours I couldn't even stop to processing winning Survivor Reels lmaaaaooo. Y'all really had me do that ugly counting challenge, where I messed up twice and ended up with 5 points only for my Skype to stop working for a good 2+ hours. Then Scott won immunity, which meant I had to kill either my dad Duncan or my bb Devon, which was super darksided. THEN after all that and saying my dramatic ass goodbyes, y'all pull out a buyback??? https://i.imgur.com/kQ6umpV.gif BUT ITS OK BECAUSE NOW I GET TO KEEP BOTH AND THE DADS ARE STILL TOGETHER!!! Devon is staying and we been knew. You know I love him if I'm not even mad that he voted me so everyone remember this moment cause that's usually grounds for dismissal in my world. But ugh I'm so happy y'all don't even know. I've really hit it off with a few people too so I'm just feeling myself. I fucking love Augusto we are the same person no lie and I'm also a big fan of Adam, Jakey, and Amir. So even if I get separated from the dads, I can make this work. I'm ready to swap and I just gotta keep misting man after man which I can definitely handle https://media1.tenor.com/images/fe32b9e859965acabe245a41b77e2153/tenor.gif?itemid=4608580

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBquewn3tnw

[exo-yeol]

Ask Game!

I was tagged by the beautiful @baekscrazylady cause she knows just how bored I truly am! Also! Fun fact! I was half way through this and my laptop crashed so that was fun!:))))))))))))))))))))

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Closed! 

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

Nope! ...I do have one on each hand but I don’t think that counts! :P 

(3) Can You Whistle?

Yes! In and out! (oml that sounds so weird!)

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

Super Junior D&E - I Love It!

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

PINK! I FREAKING LOVE PINK!

(6) Relationship Status.

Sexy, Free and Single! I’m ready to bingo! ;P ....jk bout the bingo part!

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

18° C

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yes! I was woken up at an ungodly hour by by little brother. Not. Fun.

(9) How Many Followers?

I have no clue! I never think of checking that for tumblr! But really not that many! 

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Scorpio!

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Blue!

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

Oh god, too many! 

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

YES! What is that point in showering if you don’t make use of the amazing acoustics?? 

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

Uhhmm again, too many! The most recent one I read some of was Carrie Hope Fletcher’s The Other Side

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

You Can Heal Your Life - Louise L. Hay “you are developing insight and understanding that will set you free.”

(16) Favourite Anime?

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!! Brotherhood or the original anime idagf! They are both SO GOOD! And the characters are my everything! I would die for them! Can I marry Ed? Can I marry Mustang? Can I be best friends with Winry?? Can I do alchemy pls? And the storyline is so interesting and complex and the characters are really well rounded and the back stories oomf I fucking love it soooo much! I’m gonna copy @baekscrazylady and put in a gif here because I miss looking at their faces! 

AAAAH! How fucking COOL is Ed? I love them so much!

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

Does myself count? Yesterday I cried in front of the mirror! But if it has to be another person then my mother! 

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

Teddies, Tamagotchis, Kpop albums/merch, books, EMOTIONAL WOUNDS! 

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

Chicken Caesar Salad Wrap!

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

Uhm I guess? Its not something I get a chance to do often but if the opportunity presents itself then sure! But also I hate being a distraction to the driver so like keep it on the minimum peeps!

(21) Favourite Animal?

WOLVES AND FOXES AND CANINES IN GENERAL! My room and house in general is covered in some variation of canine! Including two living ones (soon to be three!) 

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

Yas! Track, Badminton, Trampolining and Diving are my faves!

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Lately somewhere between 11 and 12! 

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

Yes! I’m wearing bright pink eyeshadow and bright pink lipstick!

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

I don’t really have a preference cause I can’t really swim, but I like to mess around and play in both! 

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

@baekscrazylady is always a winner for all your multifandom needs! Plus shes my bestie! But thats just a bonus :P 

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Bottled tastes nicer but I have no problems drinking from the tap! 

(28) What Makes You Happy?

I’m not sure any more! :/

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

I’m sleepy! I think I’m gonna finish this in the morning! 

...

Okay! I’m back after 7 hours of sleep! 

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

Without!

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Dogs! I’m not too fond of cats and I think my dogs would have a problem if I brought one home!

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

PINK!

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

PlayStation! I’ve spent a lifetime playing Crash Bandicoot on the PS1 and my loyalties run deep!

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

The Ocean! I just feel like theres bound to be monsters in a lake!

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

Of course! <3

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

Yellow! But last night when I started this I was wearing a green vest!

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

I surely can!

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

Both!

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Plenty! Teddies, books, a suitcase, kpop albums, my bedsheet is pink!

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

Well K-pop is an ongoing obsession! But recently something specific I’ve been OBSESSED with is Seungri’s 123! THIS IS THE BEST SONG! I have to listen to it everyday or I can’t function! Its soooo good! And the MV is really fun and theres cute lil bloopers at the end! I love it!! 

Hehe! Look at him go!! 

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Yes! My brother actually attracts them! They land on him all the time! Its kinda cute kinda freaky!

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

I think it depends on the person and the thing I’m being influenced about, but I’m quite a stubborn/headstrong person so I would say that I lean more towards no...but still a lil bit yes!

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Uhm yes, a lot! 

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

I’m not scared of flying and I don’t mind it, but its not my favourite thing!

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

The Green Mile, this movie broke me and now I actually cannot watch sad movies...also two days ago I cried at The Breakup so woo go me for being a mess!

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Sunflower seeds! I could eat a whole bag!

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

EXO! In all their OT9 glory!!! I need this to happen so that I can die happy! ...I would say BTS as well since they’re my ults too but I ALREADY HAVE TICKETS TO SEE THEM!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! MY ARMY HEART IS DYING! 

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

Not really! I have a list of stuff I don’t eat but I’ll eat it if its put in front of me cause I have to set a good example for my little brothers!

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

I sleep like a corpse.

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Nope! I love it! My whole family are those freaks who’ll stupidly run to the window or outside and be like “waaaahhh!”

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

Yes! I do both everyday! 

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

I’M SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!! MY MUSIC IS TOO LOUD!!

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Wrap presents! Bitch I’m a PRO! 

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Hyuna - Run & Run (MY QUEEN!)

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Autumn months wise, but we’re still getting Summer weather!

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

More sleep!

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

Nah...not arsed, but the post I last saw was a gifset of Mark and JB being stoopid!

(58) What Is Your Gender?

Female

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

Tea! 

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

No! Its the Summer holidays! 

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Mainly straight, but aren’t we all a little gay? I’m about 70/30! Or maybe even 60/40!

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

Most days, but my bed is really annoying to make and takes a good ten mins so sometimes I don’t do it till like 5 o’clock in the day when I want to sit on it!

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

Eevee! Ninetails! All water Pokemon! Pikachu! Togapee! 

(64) Favourite Social Media?

I don’t know! I get bored of them quickly and hop around! RN I’d say instagram maybe?

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

I love watching them!

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

Yep! I think everyone does a little or at times! But I’ve never been like actual homesick where you get sick and everything!

(67) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Tea-tree shampoo and a conditioner thats specifically for curly hair but I can’t remember the name! 

(68) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Motel! I know that they’re haunted and I’m gonna be stabbed in the shower but listen, I am not sleeping in a fricking car, ESPECIALLY not on my own!!

(69) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Yes, unfortunately! ,,,jk about the unfortunately...or am I? :P 

(70)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

I’m going to see the Teen Titans Movie! CAN’T WAIT!! I watched the show all the time when I was a kid! Also I really want to see Wreck-It Ralph 2 and so many others!

(71) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

I don’t have a favourite quote atm! Sorry!

(72) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

People? Find? Specific? Eye? Colours? Sexy?

(73) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

YEs and YEs! I would be that kid swinging far too high and then jumping off! Me and my friend used to challenge each other to do specific poses and stuff while we were jumping off or when we’d land!

(74) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

A chicken goujon!

(75) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

I have one rhythm game, and a few language games!  

(76) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

I don’t think so because I’m not that confident in my CPR giving skills so I’d probably ask someone else to help! But if worst comes to worst then I probably would!

(77) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

Today? No! In my life? Yes!

(78) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

All the time!

(79) Do You Like Meeting New People?

Yes! 

(80) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

Every now and then! But I just woke up so I haven’t put any on today!

(81) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed! But if I’m sharing with my brothers then I can sleep with them open! 

(82) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

I peed, I reset my password on a website and I’ve listened to Seungri’s 123!

(83) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Big tshirts or night dresses! And in the Winter I wear matching pjs!

(84) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

Like including makeup? Or just skincare? I use too much makeup to list! And for skincare everything I use has some sort of coconut oil in it!

(85) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Both!

(86) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Nah!

(87) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

Hmmmmmmmmm which to choose! I recently had a dream about 2 weeks ago where I was in a bar and Chanyeol and Sehun were having a dance off while I was singing karaoke and I kept getting angry at them for distracting me! And Seungcheol, who was my boyfriend in this particular dream universe, was chasing his manager around with a pair of false eyelashes trying to put them on him!  

(88) Favourite Soda Drink?

Mainstream: Nothing better than an ice cold coke! Don’t @ me! 

Hippie dippy: Elderflower!

(89) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Rain, my Gran calling my name, chuckling, little children/babies laughing, my Grandpa singing, Chanyeol singing, waves ( i always fall asleep to waves!), idk so many others its too early and my brain is mush rn!

(90) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats

I wear both quite equally!

(91) How Do You Look Right Now?

I just woke up and I have mascara under my eyes, honestly I think I still look asleep!

(92) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Washing my face! I feel so calm and pampered! Its the simple things :P

(93) What Tattoo Do You Want?

TOO MANY!!! I want a Golden Snitch, and a fairy and a flower and so many! I can’t wait to start getting tattooed!

(94) Favourite YouTuber?

Rn Shane Dawson is my number one, but I do love Jenna Marbles, Dan and Phil, Safiya Nygaard, Grav3yardgirl, Jamie Jo and then a hand full of beauty gurus that I semi-keep up with!

(95) Do you smoke?

No. Its really gross and reminds me of my Dad. No thank you.

(96) How tall are you?

5′ 2″!! Or maybe 5′ 3″! I’m 160cm! 

(97) What career did you want as a child

A singer! I still lowkey do! But thats a very squashed dream at this point! I also wanted to be an actress! Honestly I just wanted to make people happy and entertain them! And when I was a child I was always the center of attention because my mam had me when she was waaay young and no one else her age had a child so I guess from an early age I’ve just loved watching people laugh or be happy because of me! Thats probably why I’m attracted to film and have a YouTube channel cause I want people to have fun while enjoying the things that I create or am a part of! I hope this doesn’t sound conceited oml! 

(98) Do you care about your weight?

Yes! But I don’t know what I weigh tho cause my mam doesn’t believe in weighing scales, and shes right! But I am conscious of my weight! ...most times I’m self conscious of it lol! 

(99) Ever kissed a stranger?

Yes! Many a time! 

(100) Favorite season?

I don’t think I have a favourite season! Now that I’m older I can appreciate each season as it comes and I have certain things that I love about each! Rn I can’t wait to start wearing cute sweaters and boots again, but at the end of Spring I was dying for shorts and vests! 

Woo! I’m finished! Now I’m going back to sleep for a quick nap! And then off to the cinema! YAY! 

[hidefeelings]

an open letter to you

removed from my blog.

this has no names and no dates for a reason.

Here we go again. Another letter from me to you. That’s probably what you’re thinking. But just give me a few minutes of your time and i’ll never speak to you again.

This isn’t handwritten, so you can’t light this on fire. that was kinda the point of it although i prefer actually writing you letters but there’s no point if there going to be lit on fire. but i did the same to one of yours. so i can’t say much right now. but i get why you did. you want to burn any memories of me. and trust me, i want me to be gone as much as you want me to, but i’m not dead just yet, so you’re going to have to wait a little bit. but in the meantime you can block me and ignore me. i honestly don’t mind. i wasn’t created to be seen by you, or by anyone. i exist when you aren’t looking at me. i will exist even when you’re done with me and even when you’re in love with me.  and i guess its better to exist in silence right now. with nobody watching. with nobody caring or asking questions. anyways. i got off topic.

God, where do I even start? I have a box in my room. It has your things in it and I texted you because I don’t even want it in my room anymore. it’s pathetic.  I’ve left some of the photos up of us and I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s because it took me so long to put them up, or maybe i’m a little crazy and a little crazy in love with you. I love things that are toxic. Why do I love you. Why do I love things that are toxic? You hurt me. i hurt you. You literally yelled at me yesterday. we are toxic for each other. what are we even doing?

I wonder if I messaged you and said I missed you that maybe we could meet up tonight. Just to talk. Just to watch the sunset. Just to be with each other. Just for you to hold me. Last time I talked to you we were yelling and screaming and it actually physically hurt me to yell at you. I guess that’s how I know I love you. I wonder if you’ve moved on. I wonder if I were to sent this to you that you would even read it. Or you would even care. But let’s face it, you probably wouldn’t.

Sorry for being a bitch. and i’m not just saying this because im dying or whatever, because i am, but i’d rather die from cancer with you loving me then to die alone at 14 with so much love to give. I’d spend my last dying days with you. I want to. But i’ll probably spend them alone. but it’s fine. maybe i’ll give you a little bit of info about me. my dad bought a house and my room is pretty cool. i have so many questions for you. i know you burnt my letters. do you want your things back? do you want me? do you love me? did you ever? i don’t even know anymore. don’t anwser those because i’m pretty sure your answers are going to all be no.

i’m sorry for yelling at you. i wish we were still together. but you don’t so i probably shouldn’t say that. I mean i wish we were still together but thats nearly impossible after everything that we both have said. and if i could take it back god knows i fucking would.  i know this is just childish stupid love but it’s all i’ve got left. Lets face it. I’m never going to grow up and get married and have kids and travel the world. But you know what? I don’t even care, because i have right now. I don’t have you, but I have tonight and today and tomorrow and the day after that and i want more days. this isn’t fair. sure they say life isn’t fair but i wasn’t supposed to get cancer and i wasn’t supposed to lose the girl i love. but hey, that’s my luck and i fucked up my body and my skin and my hair and my life too, so nothing takes me by surprise.

Maybe one day you’ll read this. i’m scared you’ll find it on my blog one day but i guess it’s for the best if you ever see this.  Hopefully i’m still around when you do but i guess it’s fine if i’m not. i wanted a tattoo. I wanted a future. I wanted to graduate. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to live. I wanted you. I wanted us. I wanted a future. But we don’t get what we want. that’s just how it is. but god, If i could choose. I wouldn’t choose to be healthy.i wouldn’t choose to be cancer free. I wouldn’t choose money. i wouldn’t choose fame.i wouldn’t choose to be skinny. I wouldn’t choose to have a mom. I wouldn’t choose good grades. I wouldn’t choose a perfect life.  I’d choose you. and over and over again in as many lifetimes as i ever life and as many sunsets I’ve seen and as many lonely night’s i’ll experience i’d still choose you. i’ll choose you until i let out my last breath and i’ll choose you until we are both gone. Our love stroy wasn’t supposed to die like this. it was supposed to die with us. but i guess i just die. and i guess there is no “us”.

i’m really sorry about everything. and you can read this or ignore it or share it with whoever you want. screenshot it. send it. snap chat it. text it. i don’t really care. print it off and set it on fire. hate me for it. love me for it. don’t reply. reply. it’s up to you.  it’s just a letter. these are just words. they aren’t me. I don’t really know who I am anymore.

But anyways. Here’s my letter of closure. Reply to this or don’t, it doesn’t really matter. It’s up to you and I promise I’ll never message you again if you want that. I don’t really care. I just want to say sorry for being a total bitch to you and sorry you ever met me. Because you deserve that at the very least. you deserve so much better.

i hope we meet again. maybe not in this life but in another one. because i truly believe there is good in people, even at the worst times. and i believe you are a good person who just fell in love with a toxic girl.

thank you for your time, the good times, the bad times and the memories.

[tune-collective]

A Full Timeline of Iggy Azalea's Beefs, From Azealia Banks to Halsey

A Full Timeline of Iggy Azalea's Beefs, From Azealia Banks to Halsey

Although she hasn’t released an album in three years, Iggy Azalea’s name hasn’t been forgotten. Known for causing controversy — usually having to do with racial appropriation — the Australian rapper has beefed with everyone from Azealia Banks to Snoop Dogg.

We put together a complete history of all of her celebrity feuds from 2011 all the way up to Azalea’s latest beef with Halsey. Check out the timeline below.

September 9, 2011

Days before the release of her debut mixtape Ignorant Art Iggy releases a video for her song “D.R.U.G.S.” In the video she sings over the beat of Kendrick Lamar’s ‘Look Out for Detox’, “When the relay starts, Im a runaway slave… Master, hitting on the past gotta spit it like a pastor.” This is an allusion to the lyric from his song, “When the relay starts, I’m a runaway slave.”

September 13, 2011 

Iggy begins one sided beef with Kreayshawn on Twitter. She later responded and retweeted more negative statements. 

October 9, 2011

Iggy claims that getting booed offstage at Canal Room in New York was the driving force for her career. After the show, she took to Twitter to address the alleged female haters. “It was kinda awkward cause this girl stood in the front row my entire set screaming ‘your pussy suckssss!!!’ ! Lol #whyyoumad.” The video from the show that night tells a different story however or a particularly happy crowd with only one male booing her at the 6:26 mark.

October 19, 2011 

In a tweet that was later deleted Azealia Banks wrote, “how sexy is iggy azalea?? it’s kind of ridiculous … *tugs collar to let out steam*.” Starting out as a girl crush the feud with Banks will become one of Azalea’s worst. 

October 20, 2011

Azealia Banks tweeted, “once wrote a song called ‘Barbie Shit,’ but nicki minaj blew up like the week after so i took it down, lololz. i felt corny. Also wrote a song called P-U-$-$-Y before Iggy Azalea.” Iggy responded with, “its NEVER been about who did it first… its ALWAYS been about who did it better.” Banks retweeted Iggy’s insult and wrote back, “i know right?? lmfaooo. haha.” And the beef begins. 

In an interview not long after the tweet, Iggy reflects on the tweet claiming Banks said, “I’m next level, I had a song about being a Barbie before Nicki Minaj had a song about being a Barbie. Here’s the link to my song. And fuck Iggy Azalea, I had a song called ‘Pussy’ before she ever did. Here’s a link to my song. It’s better.” …essentially nothing like the original tweet.

October 21, 2011 

Notorious for picking fights with anyone from Kedrick Lamar to Zayn Malik, Azealia Banks subtweets about Iggy. “I smell beef.” 

December 2, 2011 

When someone tweeted “Iggy Azelia Banks iz weird” Banks was fast to respond with “We’re two COMPLETELY different people hun. :-.” Iggy did not respond. 

December 9, 2011 

Iggy announces her new album’s title, The New Classic. Possibly directed toward Banks. 

December 19, 2011 

A$AP Rocky and Banks are spotted holding hands in New York. This puts fuel in the fire with Banks who grew up with A$AP and his crew in Harlem. 

January 13, 2012

Iggy responds to claims about feud with Banks, “I have no deal with her. I don’t know her personally. I said it about Kreayshawn, too. If I don’t know you personally, how could I have a problem with you? What would I have a problem about? I don’t know that person … I don’t know you. I truly don’t understand it. I just keep making my own music, and I’m deaf to that. What is there to say? Nothing.” 

January 17, 2012 

Azealia Banks tweets, “Iggy Azalea’s hair looks really great in her new video. How long do you all reckon that hair is? 40″ in?” 

January 18, 2012 

Azealia Banks reportedly signs to Universal.

January 27, 2012

Iggy told Billboard that she signed to Interscope saying, “I’m super happy about it.” She made statements about other labels, mentioning Def Jam specifically, claiming they would’ve made her their “guinea pig.” She later claimed that Jimmy Iovine called her “the new Tupac.” She later tweeted, “Get used to me + jimmy [Iovine] smashing shit, cause thats the plan.” Keep in mind Interscope Records is owned by Universal, this will be relevant later. 

January 31, 2012

Azealia Banks tweets, “You can never be a young BLACK girl enjoying her life and having fun. There’s always some shady, dishonest cracker looking to assassinate your character. No offense to anyone.” and later, “Ok. i apologize to anyone who was offended by that tweet. I shouldn’t generalize my personal issues. forgive me.” and later, “Why am i being criminalized for being myself?”

February 7, 2012 

Iggy is the first female to be featured on the cover of XXL magazine for their Freshman List. Azealia was not having any of it, tweeting, “Iggy Azalea on the XXL freshman list is all wrong. How can you endorse a white woman who called herself a ‘runaway slave master’? Sorry guys, I’m pro black girl. I’m not anti white girl, but I’m also not here for any1 outside of my culture trying to trivialize very serious aspects of it.” 

Iggy later tweets “You can’t block my blessings! Today I’m celebrating! Get with it or kick rocks!”

March 2, 2012

Azealia Banks announces she’s signed to Interscope/Polydor, take a guess who is also coincidentally signed to the label.

March 10, 2012

On DJ Drama’s radio show in Atlanta Iggy is asked about Azealia’s reaction to the XXL cover, “This is my day and it’s my achievement.” She said, “You have to work to have your own achievements, with all due respect.” TI who is now Iggy’s boss adds “Strategically if she really cares about a freshmen cover maybe she could hope that she’ll suck enough to get shelved and then next year when the freshmen cover comes back around, maybe she’ll still be a freshman.” 

March 12, 2012 

Iggy writes an open letter apologizing for her “runaway slave-master” lyric “It was a tacky and careless thing to say and if you are offended, I am sorry. Sometimes we get so caught up in our art and creating or trying to push boundaries, we don’t stop to think how others may be hurt by it. In this situation, I am guilty of doing that and I regret not thinking things through more.”

March 25, 2012

Azealia Bank’s releases alleged dis track about Iggy called “Fuck Up the Fun.” 

March 27, 2012 

Iggy’s then-suspected boyfriend A$AP Rocky says, “They got to cut it out. That’s some bullshit. Iggy is not racist. Trust me. Trust me. That’s petty for Azealia because … don’t pick on her cause she white. That’s a low blow.” 

May 18, 2012 

Rumors of Iggy being dropped by Interscope surface. Iggy claims that she was never on Interscope just manged by them despite a tweet on February 7 2012 that says “im managed and signed to Interscope.” Many had suspicions that Azealia was behind it. 

April 23, 2013 

Iggy shares the news of signing to Def Jam on Twitter. Take a look at a January 27, 2012 Billboard interview where she claimed Def Jam would’ve made her their “guinea pig.” 

June 18, 2013 

Iggy is questioned by radio host Sway Calloway about possible plastic surgery. She responds with, “Yes, eyelashes are real. I’ve heard a bunch of crazy things: that it’s my underpants. I heard I have implants, I hear all kinds of crazy stuff. It’s my flesh. It’s my butt.” 

June 2013

Fans begin to uncover old racist Tweets and Iggy receives massive backlash. She claims that it is unfair because she was able to “joke” but because of her celebrity she is no longer able to. See a few of the tweets below: 

September 13, 2013 

When asked about using a “black voice” in an interview for the cover of Complex she responded with, “If you’re mad about it and you’re a black person then start a rap career and give it a go, too. I’m not taking anyone’s spot, so make yourself a mixtape. Or maybe if you’re black, start singing like a country singer and be a white person. I don’t know. Why is it such a big deal?”

May 15, 2014 

Tyler the Creator is asked on 106 & Park which female artists he’d sleep with. When prompted about Iggy he says, “She stinks. She got shots in her thump. I want real booty. You feel me?” Iggy later tweeted, “Tyler the creator is beyond immature. I’ve always believed you had something more to offer the world, Shame to see you be so rude,” she said. “People that make enemies and talk shit about ppl they’ve never even said hi to trip me out. I see it all the time… Strange world.” Iggy’s then-boyfriend Nick Yong also had something to say: “If ppl dnt hate then it want be [email protected] smell good to me”. Tyler apologized in his typical fashion with: “SUCCESSFUL, TROLL SUCCESSFUL, IGGY I DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.”

June 6, 2014 

Iggy criticizes Lorde in an interview with Billboard for her collaborative performance with the surviving members of Nirvana at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. Iggy said, “Nothing against her, but I think when you’re doing a tribute to someone that’s dead, generally it should be the person’s peer,” Azalea commented. “Lorde is not Kurt Cobain’s peer. No matter if she killed the performance or not, I just don’t think it’s appropriate.” Lorde responded with: “I enjoyed it. I had a good time. That’s all that mattered.” Iggy later apologized on Twitter, “I consider lorde my very talented friend. I find it ironic 2 girls tell the media theyre full of shit & weeks later supposedly I dislike her.” 

May 26, 2014

Love & Hip Hop star K. Michelle tweets, “How can you be from another country and rap like you’re from Memphis, TN?”

June 29, 2014 

In Nicki Minaj’s acceptance speech for Best Female Artist at the BETs she allegedly took shots at Iggy who had been criticized for suspicion of using ghost writers. Minaj said, “What I want the world to know about Nicki Minaj is when you hear Nicki Minaj spit, Nicki Minaj wrote it.”

July 3, 2014 

Iggy responded to the speech in a screenshot of a letter from her notes page on Instagram. She wrote: “I have to say the general explosion of pettiness online in the last few days is hard to ignore and honestly…lame. If I had won the BET award, that would’ve been great but it wasn’t my year and I don’t mind – so you shouldn’t either. Generally speaking, I’m unbothered by anything that ‘happened’ at the BET Awards and just feel worn out by everyone trying to make me have wars with people all the time. Anyone who wishes me well is welcome in my life, and those who don’t can’t get any more of my time. I hate to see everyone exhausting themselves on my behalf over things that I’m still not 100 percent sure even exist and don’t matter. Just let it go.” Nicki later backtracked and responded with “The media puts words in my mouth all the time and this is no different. I will always take a stance on women writing b/c I believe in us!” on Twitter. “

July 9 2014 

In the wake of the BET Awards, Madd Mary releases direct dis track, “Eff Iggy.” Notable lines include: “Ignorant, impudent child of wealth and white privilege who benefits from the oppressive agenda of white supremacists,” “You just too damn afraid to engage in intelligent conversation about misappropriation of hip-hop,” “Prejudiced trash, send you back to Aussie land strapped for cash.” 

July 10 2014 

Allegedly Iggy posted a photo of her, Drake, TI and B.O.B captioned “Me and Ma Nigg’s.” Public Enemy’s Chuck D tweeted, “a new straight path to slavery Here comes a endorsed sanctioned CORPlantation artist with A line straight out of 1853.” After it was discovered that she never captioned the photo that Chuck D wrote: “True or not the IGGY thing is a reality when you call yourself with the slaveass term that was branded on skin & today marketed, sht happens.”

September 24 2014 

In an interview Rah Digga calls Iggy out, “Don’t come to America and try to convince me that you’re Gangsta Boo … Personally, I don’t consider [Iggy] Hip Hop. I listen to her album. Everything that I hear on there is everything but that. And I feel like Hip Hop is Hip Hop.” Iggy responded to the comment on Twitter with, “I honestly don’t really mind if I’m described as rap or pop. My passion is purely making music and entertaining.”

October 12 2014 

A photo of Azalea without makeup went viral and Snoop Dogg even joined in. He posted this photo on his Instagram and the feud began. 

Iggy responded to the Instagram with a string of tweets calling him out for being two faced and about how her bodyguard “stopped the fire truck that saved your friends life in canada when he almost burnt down the hotel.” Shortly after, TMZ ran a story about Iggy being “fuming mad over Snoop’s insta slam.” The two went back and forth with Azalea tweeting her feelings while Snoop continued to post memes on his Instagram clearly not bothered by the incident. 

October 12, 2014 

Iggy and her friend are followed into a grocery store by paparazzi. Clearly extremely angry her friend spits on the pap. The photographer going on to call the spit assault because he may contract AIDS or Ebola Iggy says, “Okay, I hope you have Ebola. I hope you die. You’re a fucking cunt.” The fight continues and Iggy even tried to ram him with her shopping cart calling the grocery store a “private place.” 

October 15 2014 

After a call from Iggy’s manager TI, Snoop squashed the beef in a video. 

October 27 2014 

Snoop is asked by a paparazzi if he will ever collaborate with Iggy. He responds singing the chorus of “IDFWU.” 

November 18 2014 

Eminem releases a dis track about Iggy where he jokes about raping her. Iggy responds in a tweet saying, “im bored of the old men threatening young women as entertainment trend and much more interested in the young women getting $ trend. zzzz.”

December 3 2014 

Unlike the majority of the members of the hip-hop community, Iggy is absent at protests supporting the Black Lives Matter movement and does not speak on the issue of police killings of unarmed black men. Azealia Banks is the first to call her out on it, “its funny to see people Like Igloo Australia silent when these things happen… Black Culture is cool, but black issues sure aren’t huh?” Iggy subtweets, “we’ve all read the script 49584068408540 billion times now, find a new game plan.” 

December 5 2014 

Iggy is nominated for Record of the Year, Best New Artist, Best Pop/Duo Performance, and Best Rap Album for the 2015 Grammys. 

December 18 2014 

Azealia Banks calls out Iggy during a Hot 97 interview for appropriating black culture as well as discussing race relations in America eloquently. 

December 19 2014 

Iggy goes on a Twitter spree. “Special msg for banks:” she tweeted, “There are many black artists succeeding in all genres. The reason you haven’t is because of your piss poor attitude.” She went on to call Banks a “bigot.” 

 December 20 2014 

Q-Tip tweeted attempted to enlighten Iggy in a string of tweets one of them read “@IZZYAZELEA Hip-hop is a artistic and socio-political movement/culture that sprang from the disparate ghettos of NY in the early 70’s.” He goes on to discuss how the connection between hip-hop, social and political issues will never be detached. Iggy did not respond. 

An anonymous hacking group claimed that they would leak rumored sex tape pictures if Iggy did not apologize for her actions. They wrote, “You are guilty of misappropriating black culture, insulting peaceful protesters, and making light of Eric Garner’s death”. Their account was then suspended. 

December 22 2014 

Iggy chimes in in a string of tweets stating, “i find it patronizing to assume i have no knowledge of something I’m influenced by, but I’ve also grown up with strangers assuming that.” She goes on to say, “how you feel about me blending musical genres together doesn’t bother me, no one is making you support or buy pop rap albums.”

January 30 2015 

Iggy has another Twitter freak out over some unapproved shots for her upcoming shoe line in collaboration with Steve Madden. One of the tweets read, “Tainted with these God awful images that Steve madden took appon themselves to create and share without my knowledge. Gross gross gross.” She later apologized on Instagram claiming she loves the company and “artists clash sometimes.” 

February 8 2015 

Probably the most random of all of her feuds… Papa Johns Pizza! Apparently her delivery man sent her personal phone number around so she tweeted at the chain and they responded lightheartedly and Iggy was not having it. “I don’t think data breach is funny.” She continued, “I expect you to contact me to explain how you are going to rectify your breach of my personal information in a satisfactory and professional way or lawsuit will be filed.”

February 18 2015 

After returning home from vacation to see people criticizing her body in paparazzi photos Iggy announces that she will no longer run her social media accounts. 

June 29 2015

Iggy called out Britney Spears and her team for their lack of promotion for the duos collaboration on “Pretty Girls”. She tweeted, “its difficult to send a song up the charts without additional promo and tv performance etc. unfortunately I’m just featured”. Britney responded on Instagram posting a photo that read “DONT LET IDIOTS RUIN YOUR DAY.”

August 10 2015

ComicBook NOW! tweeted ‘The Last Airbender’ is to movies what Iggy Azaelia is to music.’ Of course Iggy could not help herself and responded with “think its another one of those jokes only middle aged men who get boners over comic book movies understand.”

September 16 2015

In a Hot 97 interview, TI said that he no longer speaks to his former protégé Iggy. He says he walked away from the relationship after Q-Tip tried to teach Iggy about cultural appropriation in hip-hop music and her response was not ideal. Iggy responded by saying, “I don’t think the radio is the right place to talk about personal issues.”  

October 12 2015

When Rita Ora named Iggy as a potential collaborator for a Lady Marmalade remake Azalea quickly shut her down tweeting, “Please leave me out of the whole Lady Marmalade conversation. I have nothing to do with ritas ideas & agree it should be left alone. Thanks.”

November 29 2015

Erykah Badu hosts the Soul Train Music Awards and throws shade at Azalea during her opening monolog. She pretends to receive a phone call when when she answers it says, “Uh yes? Who is this? Iggy Azalea? Yeah, hey. Oh, no, no, no, no, you can come, ’cause what you doin’ is definitely not rap.” The audience seemed to love the joke but Iggy once again took to Twitter posting, “We are days from 2016, but i came online today and saw its still cool to try and discredit my 2014 accomplishments. LOL, fucking hell.”

December 4 2015

Badu responds to Azalea linking to her tweet and writing, “Well that’ll be the LAST time I send an uber for you! I can guaran DAMN tee you THAT.” 

Jan 22 2016

In his song “White Privilege II” Macklemore calls out himself, Iggy, and other for cultural appropriation. He raps, “The culture was never your to make better. You’re Miley, you’re Elvis, you’re Iggy Azalea.” Iggy, very upset by the fact that old friend Macklemore did not even warn her about using her name in the song, tweeted, “he shouldnt have spent the last 3 yrs having friendly convos and taking pictures together at events etc if those were his feelings.” 

Brooklyn hip-hop artist Talib Kewli was bothered by Iggy’s reaction to the reference. He tweeted, “The [email protected] Macklemore song was a diss to her, instead of actually listening, is proof of her privilege. Fuck Iggy Azalea.” The two continued to beef back and forth on Twitter with Iggy posting, “still tweeting i see? I thought this was about macklamore? rap is global now and it has sub-styles. pop-rap is part of that.” No apology has been made.

March 2 2016

After Iggy spoke poorly about Azealia Banks in an Elle cover interview, Banks calls out Iggy’s recent plastic surgery saying, “Mentioning me is the only thing that will get you attention. Because ur music and nose job are trash.”

March 30 2016

D’Angelo Rusell posts a video of Iggy’s finance Nick Young openly implying that he was cheating on her. Iggy sarcastically tweeted, “hmmm i see D Angelo Russell is trending… I actually liked his film. Thanks bro.”

June 9 2016

Iggy announces breakup with fiancé Nick Young, “Unfortunately although I love Nick and have tried and tried to rebuild my trust in him,” Azalea wrote on Instagram, “it’s become apparent in the last few weeks I am unable to. I genuinely wish Nick the best. It’s never easy to part ways with the person you planned you’re [sic] entire future with, but futures can be rewritten and as of today mine is a blank page.” Young had a less kind response simply tweeting, “Single.” 

June 30 2016

It shortly after came out that Young’s ex-girlfriend Keonna Green is pregnant with their second child together. In a string of tweets, Iggy detailed her feelings on the incident. One read, “I broke up with Nick because I found out he had brought other women into our home while I was away and caught them on the security footage.” While another said, “I find it baffling anyone would make the choice to bring a child into the world under these circumstances + want attention and $ for it.” 

June 19 2017

Addressing Iggy as “Igloo” Azealia Banks jokes about a possible collaboration on her new song, “What if… Igloo [Iggy] was on Anna Wintour.” Iggy took this as a peacetime gesture and posted videos on her Snapchat about squashing their beef.

June 22 2017

In an unrelated interview, Halsey has some not so nice things to say about Azalea. “There’s a lot of people I wouldn’t put on my record” she said. “Iggy Azalea— absolutely not. She had a complete disregard for black culture. Fucking moron. I watched her career dissolve and it fascinated me.”

Iggy responded on an Australian talk show saying, “I thought it was a bit of a strange thing to throw that out there, but she’s young and I hope she learns maybe to be a bit less judgmental when she’s kind of in the same shoes.”

This article originally appeared on Billboard.

https://tunecollective.com/2017/07/01/full-timeline-iggy-azaleas-beefs-azealia-banks-halsey/