#some stuff is fun to watch in retrospect

[blackfliesinbluesugar]

Reminding fledgling Simon/Finn shippers that there's a scene where Simon (looking like himself, not like Ice King) calls Finn the hottest guy in Ooo lol

[arolesbianism]

Thinks oh so hard abt raccoon au printing pod doomed yuri.... What if you were a robot in love with your fellow robot but your past human selves had to fuck it all up and murder eachother 🙄

[markedbyindecision]

tbh so weird to me that shows like iCarly and Jessie have like younger kids (the two i’m thinking of are both boys which might be relevant) who are so interested in relationships and will like. attempt to flirt with older characters. like it’s just really weird to me bc when i was the age they were that was honestly the last thing on my mind. also Freddie is like. 5. (not literally but he is YOUNG. i’m bad with ages but i’m guessing they’re supposed to be in 4th/5th grade maybe?) and he’s like…flirting with Carly from the very beginning of the show. i think luke’s a bit older but still. it’s also even more weird i think, since jessie is a full adult. idk idk it’s just weird. like, even when i was in middle school in my entire grade of like 150 people there were like. 5 “relationships” total. and all they really did was slow dance at the dances and hold hands maybe.

(although. maybe i’m just aro/arospec?)

[astrodances]

"Now I've had the time of my life No, I never felt like this before Yes, I swear it's the truth And I owe it all to you"

This is a very, very special drawing for me. ✨

In September of last year, I watched Dancing With The Stars' "Step Into the Movies" special again, at the end of which they recreate "The Time of My Life" scene from Dirty Dancing. And that sent me on a nostalgia trip back to my high school theater days over a decade ago now, where the drama club accepted my idea to do a "Time of Our Lives" theme, and a performance for that song à la Glee. Mind you, I was mainly the stage manager/techie sort, but I did some scenes for the showcases, and participated in this song with my then-boyfriend, along with two other couples.

And while we were hanging out in the green room backstage, a friend took some pictures of us. Including the one that directly inspired this drawing of Webby + Lena.

This started out as a memory remix of that photo, after watching the DWTS special, because I thought these two lovebirds would be really cute subjects for it.

But once I got going, it turned into a love letter, for many things.

As part of the remix aspect of it, I now picture myself in Lena's spot in the photo, getting to have the short hair I wish I had had back then, and getting to wear a suit and tie! (Yes, in the original photo, I am wearing the dress and red bow Webby's sporting here, and I have long hair. 🙈 Though I will say here that the little heart necklace she's wearing is exactly like the one I had, too! :)) Drawing this was really cathartic for my nonbinary self. 💜

And as for Webby, in this remix, she represents someone that, in retrospect, I wish I had shared this moment with from back then. In many ways, she really was the Webby to my Lena. 💜💖💝

(Literally) beyond the subjects of this though, this is indeed very much a love letter to a lot of things, to passions. The background is pretty much a replica of the drama classroom wall we were in front of for the photo, at least as far as layout goes, with a few direct recreations of things that were on the wall and on the table there. Everything else was me being a passionate (theatre) nerd.

(Details (many details) of said nerdiness and alternate versions below the cut!)

I've included un-blurred and background-only versions (and a version with drop shadow lines on the girls, because why not? it's a cool effect!) below, but I just want to point out the details, because I'm so dang proud of this.

The posters/programs for The Phantom Blot of the Opera, Featherspray, Chickago, and My Fair Dewey are obvious duck-parody references to their real-world counterparts (with the latter being the exact poster they use in DuckTales, in Dewey's dream in "Nightmare on Killmotor Hill!" So thanks, Dewey! 😂). The Featherspray one was also included because Hairspray was one of the shows we did in high school! And lemme just say, creating theater posters is really fun!!

The MJ the Musical poster and the half-shown Notre Dame de Paris "Duckbill" right behind Lena's head are particularly special to me, since they (along with Phantom) are my favorite musicals, and getting to draw those two was especially fun!

The L'Orange Theater poster in the top-right is a bunch of duck easter eggs in one - the L'Orange Theater is mentioned and seen in the very first episode of DuckTales 1987, and of course, there's Aquarioon from DT17! Looks like it toured in Duckburg a long time ago. 😉

And the sheet music is the DuckTales theme! (Or at least the left side of it :P)

The "Congrats" card, calendar (the whale for upper half was my own touch), folder, page of random backstage stuff behind Lena's head (which includes little Star Trek and Darkwing Duck references), and golden "Theatre" card (with my old director's favorite quote) are directly from the photo (or at least based on what I could see through its blurriness 😝), as is the very edge of a cast photo in the upper-right. The purple note (totally not with any secret messages whaaaaat) below that, the certificate of excellence, and the little pride heart pins everywhere are little garnishes/dedications. 😊

The stage/theater diagram below the certificate is really cool, because that's a direct recreation (+ another hidden message) of a project a friend and I did for stagecraft back in our freshman year - I was even able to copy my own handwriting for the labels! 😄😂

The "Time of Our Lives" poster is a reference to the showcase I mentioned above that inspired all this, though the real-life poster looked very different, from what I remember.

The green bag below is sorta a nod to the secret pal exchanges we used to do during shows. 😉

And finally:

The Glittering Goldie show poster is me just having an absolute blast drawing her once again and coming up with something for her Blackjack days! And bonus - I'll be posting a gradient-only version of Goldie tomorrow! Really happy with how she turned out!

And the "All the World's a Stage" poster is me combining all of my theatre nerdiness with my passion for space and a good pun! 😁

ANYWAY...

I learned a lot with this drawing, about creating and about myself.

And I just had so, so much fun with it - it was all love, all passion, all happiness for this one. 💜💖💝

Wishing the same for all of you. ✨

Love, Astro 💜

[novelconcepts]

Watching my mom evolve over the years has been such a fun experience. For context, she's got nine kids (at least five of whom have turned out to be queer; at least four of those have turned out to be non-binary), and for most of my life, she was just your average Gen-X Irish-Italian Catholic mom. She didn't really do vocal homophobia or whatever, but she also clearly didn't know how to handle it when her firstborn interrupted a Red Wings game to announce, "I think I'm gay." (Spoiler alert: that was me at fifteen or sixteen. In retrospect, of course the Tomboy For Life who had never been remotely interested in boys but was ALWAYS talking about actresses/female friends at school a bit too much wound up being gay. And announcing it. During a hockey game. Of course.)

She also didn't really know how to handle that same kid starting to date in college, bringing a girl home, and so on. She did a bit better when the next kid came out as a lesbian, but when that kid came out as non-binary (shout-out to that sib for doing some of the heavy lifting first), it was a whole new deal. It clearly had never crossed her mind before, that this might come up. Gay? She was figuring out gay. Gender stuff? Whew. A shiny new Pokemon of a situation.

The changed pronouns have been a bit difficult for my mom. The new names still get jumbled. (In fairness, the old names got jumbled, too--it was always a laundry list of names before she got to yours, no matter what you went by, because there were just so goddamned MANY of us.) It gets harder when she's stressed, and sometimes she just seems not to be getting it. I know it frustrates my siblings deeply. It can grate on me, too. You just want people to understand out the gate, to take you at your word, to shift gears without a slip-up. You don't want the awkward conversations, the painful skips, the rough patches. It's tempting to just give up on people if they don't stick the landing immediately.

But if you look a bit deeper, there's such a soft mama bear energy to my mom. Such a stubborn determination to get it right where it really counts. My mother, who never once skipped Sunday mass as I was growing up, has left the church completely because "they don't treat my family well." My mother, who once told me not to bring a girl home because it might confuse the youngest children, bought Converse sneakers expressly for my wedding to a woman. And my mother, who had never known the word non-binary, who didn't seem aware of the trans umbrella at all before her kids started huddling beneath it, keeps leaping to tell me all about the shows she's watching lately. The ones where "there's a non-binary character, and it's so cool that people can see that now!" The ones where "and this one is non-binary, and they're so great, and maybe it'll teach the shitty politicians of the world that they're just people, you know?"

Sometimes you just have to give people a little space. Let them stumble occasionally. They're going to. They're going to trip up. My mom hurt my feelings so many times when I was young, said so many of the wrong things right on the heels of the right ones, confused and upset me because I couldn't understand why she just didn't get it. But here she is, almost sixty years old, and so gleeful to tell me about the power of queer representation on TV. She doesn't always get it right, but goddamn, does she love her kids, and goddamn, does she want the world to love people like her kids, too.

[chevaliersnumberoneguy]

I just finished Ward and was inspired by a friend to make a review about it here so uh here is my semi-non formal review of Ward.

So to provide a bit of context I became a Parahumans fan back in 2019 and read alongside it with a veteran Worm fan and it easily became one of my favorite pieces of fiction. After a decent break I began reading Ward on and off again for a little bit (not because of the quality I’m just weird when I dedicate time for reading) and after about 3 years of reading it over work breaks and doing a last hail mary sprint for the final couple arcs I feel as though Ward is an amazing follow up to Worm. I know that may be a hot take since I have heard from a friend that general sentiment on Ward isn’t all that positive, but I found myself enjoying it quite a lot.

Wildbow in my eyes managed to expand upon a lot of things I like about Worm and answered a lot of questions I didn’t think would be answered.

Let’s start with a big thing first. I think overall Victoria was a fantastic pick for the protagonist to follow along for this adventure. Not just because she is overall very well written, but out of all the existing characters Wildbow could’ve picked, Vicky was probably the best one for orchestrating the main message of overcoming trauma and learning to love yourself in Ward. It was very fun and satisfying the overall arc she had in Ward.

Breakthrough as a whole was also full of extremely well written characters with all of them enamouring me with their backstories and character arcs in their own way. I didn’t come to think Chris of all people would become such an interesting “minor” antagonist until the Simurgh reveal.

Overall Wildbow has has gone forth and continued to have shown his great ability to present mysteries or seemingly random moments/information and manage to paint it in a completely different light with a massive reveal later on in the story. Chris is a pretty big example of this with all of his behaviors and relationship to his tinker power being weird at best to making a lot of it make sense in retrospect with the reveal that he was more or less created by the Simurgh to help her out in her grand plan. Another example of this is all of the hype and build up to the reveal of Shardspace and the Cracking as a whole.

Now I’m willing to admit it isn’t perfect with all of the Wildbow moments and pacing at certain parts of the story, but I can really appreciate it for what it is at the end.

The parts that got me loving it the most is the expansion of powers as a whole. I’ve always been a nut for eldritch content and Ward managed to satisfy me with that in dividends when it showed us Shardspace, the Titans, the Agents, the conclusion of Entity cycles and actually giving us a full description for the Entities appearance as well. 

All of the cluster stuff was thoroughly enjoyable as well. I loved every second of Rain and his story that was in the spotlight. Easily provided some of my favorite arcs in all of Ward. It was just so fun to watch him develop as a person as well as watch the dynamic he has with his cluster. Cradle in my opinion stole the show being the antagonist of the group. Everything he did was appalling and I loved it. Whether it was him chopping up people with whips or manipulating people in the dream room it was all great to watch play out.

Also god all of the Titan stuff was amazing as well. From the early preview of it from Dauntless becoming one, to all of the build up to this massive event in the Teacher arcs and finally the beginning of the end when Fume Hood second triggered and started the Cracking off as a whole it was all amazing. Then we get into all of the fun combat with the Titans just showing off how formidable of a threat they are, the reveal that if they win everything is over and that this event may never be over, to all of the exploration of Shardspace it was all so well done and great to watch play out.

Another thing I loved was the Teacher stuff as well. I always knew he was going to play a massive part in Ward ever since his epilouge arc in Worm and boy I wasn’t disappointed (mostly). From the disinformation campaign to the assault on his complex it was all fantastic. The arc as a whole did a great job at planting seeds for what would happen in the future. My only real disappointment about him is how he really didn’t play much of a part during all the Titan stuff, but eh it’s whatever.

I thought the ending as a whole was a satisfying conclusion to the story and tied up a good amount of loose ends while still clearly leaving the door at least ajar for Parahumans 3.

Overall, while not perfect I think Ward as a whole was an amazing follow up to Worm and I look forward to reading Wildbow’s other works.

Anyways thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

[dougtheintern]

DNDADS STIMS/HABITS/IDK

LONG. ASS. POST. do not click more or whatevs if u dont wanna see autistic ramblings of a mad man

darryl - scratches his scalp— he has like KILLER scabs on his head bcuz of this— but theyre so fun to pick at. he keeps his nails slightly longer than most so it’s easier to pick. it drives carol crazy. very subconscious but also does it consciously when his head itches.

after faerun he develops a habit of twisting his ring around his finger when he’s nervous or worried— usually when thinking about the future or his family.

this is only when he’s alone, but he shakes his hands around really fast to get his energy out.

ron - shuffles his business cards around— in a really cool way. like those people who can shuffle playing cards really well. he does this when he doesn’t have anything else to do and is understimulated

tugs on his mustache either very gently— subconsciously and just out of habit— or very harshly— when he needs to ground himself

rocks on his feet, or when sitting. usually to create a steady pace for his thoughts to follow.

shakes his head very violently— like a dog— when he needs to get energy out

henry - always has tree sap (?) or natural gum on hand to chew— it makes it so he doesn’t hear overstimulating noises and only hears the movement of his jaw and the gum.

has a ton of bracelets— loosens them, tightens them, spins them around, stretches them out, everything. usually when he feels sick/anxious. you know when he’s feeling under the weather when he spins around his bracelets.

bounces around when he’s very excited and hyper— to get out his energy

glenn - this man mimes playing the guitar ALL THE TIME. i just know it. usually its when he’s getting a bit excited and need to get his nerves/excitement out so he just goes ‘BAWOWOWOOOOWW’ with his air guitar

usually has 2 guitar picks with him— one for chewing on, flipping, etc— and one for actually playing. chews on the pick when he’s nervous and understimulated. flips it when he needs to distract himself from smthin

jodie - spins his keys around his fingers when he needs something to look at and is understimulated

after morgan left him, he was constantly tired, so he claps his hands often to stay awake— it’s cheaper than coffee. plus, caffeine doesn’t work on him.

rubs his temples to soothe himself when overstimulated— especially from bright lights. (the flames of hell suck! too bright 0/10)

-

grant - takes after his dad when he’s older, and picks at his scalp. but, marko always gently corrects it, and gives him some picking toy instead. only subconsciously, he doesn’t do it on purpose.

when younger, he used to jump around and flail his hands when overstimulated and full of energy— after becoming a ‘man’ he stopped.

matches his breathing to the nearest person’s breathing— even if he doesn’t know them. it grounds him and keeps him stable— especially when he’s older and has to be present for his husband and kid.

terry jr. - since Samantha is a therapist, he actually has many fidget toys that he knows work for him. probably the luckiest kid in that retrospect.

specifically; he enjoys fidget cubes, slime (only fluffy and non-sticky.), and watching a newton’s cradle.

he also very freely rocks and flails his hands— if anyone insults him for it, he knows that his mother would be proud of him for letting him express himself— despite what people say.

as an adult, he twists his hair a bit, but usually catches it and uses a fidget cube instead.

lark - very violent to himself with his stims.

hits himself in the head when overstimulated and upset— especially when on the verge of crying. usually does this when no one is around to worry about him.

picks at stuff with the structure/texture of saran wrap? like soft plastic? chews on it and pulls it apart— he likes being aggressive and just clawing into it. it soothes him.

sparrow - when she wears dresses, she twirls a lot to watch the dress flow. it calms her down and makes her giggle a bit.

when overstimulated, she paces really fast. wears footprints into carpet because of how long she does it.

kinetic sand is her favorite thing to play with— but it’s embarrassing for her to do it around other people. she feels like she has to be mature— not playing with stuff for kids.

nick/narc/nicky - chews on literally everything— nick chewed on a stainless steel necklace, narc chewed on an actual chewy necklace, and now nicky just chews on his hand, his arm, his nails, whatever he can.

taps things 3 times— one for nick. one for narcolas. one for him. it grounds him and reminds him of who he is— technically 3 people— just compiled into one person. he does this when nervous— or questioning his identity.

-

linc - if he has a soccer ball with him, he WILL do sick tricks with it— balancing it on his foot, shoulders, head, or whatever is cool to do with soccer balls?? idk im a theater kid i dont do sports

twists his hair— his hair is voluminous so you dont really see it, but he has some spots where his hair is thinner because of him twisting and pulling it. usually when hes nervous and not feeling well.

kicks at rocks and dirt when overstimulated— to get energy and anger out. sometimes stomps— but immediately gets embarrassed.

scary - twists her lip piercings with her tongue when she’s bored and understimulated— or her nose piercing with her hands. it kind of irritates her nose piercing, so she has to not do it for like a week if she does twist it around.

picks at the fishnet stuff she wears— claims that the holes that are caused by it are SICK AS HELL, THANK YOU. usually she does this when she’s mad— so when you see her picking at her fishnet stuff, BACK OFF (terry. )

never uses any of the fidget toys terry gives her out of pure spite— but did enjoy the slime he got her. she pretended she threw it away but actually kept it— currently in her backpack for when she’s upset and needs something to beat the shit out of (she likes punching it.)

normal - clicks his tongue to the beat of the songs that the marching band usually plays— also does little finger drumming to go along with it. this is subconscious and not necessarily for anything— it just calms him

cracks his knuckles, pops his shoulders, rolls his ankles and wrists until they pop, and cracks his neck. all because he likes the sound it makes and the way it feels afterwards. usually this is saved for when hes understimulated and needs something to listen to/focus on

hums when he’s overstimulated— usually some random song thats on the radio.

taylor - when he doesn’t need his cane (usually on a good day) he’ll swing it around and twirl it and shit. for funsies. also because he just. he likes swinging stuff like swords!!! can you blame him!!

chews on necklaces like his dad, cassandra gets VERY emotional when he does that but pretends she doesn’t. me when people stim the same way that theyve seen their friends/parents do: 😭😭

he also yanks on his own horns alot to ground himself when he’s overstimulated and upset. his horns are often red bcuz of that .

bites his lip and eats the dead skin off of it. gross little man . (i say, actively doing the same thing.) hates the feeling of lipgloss and chapstick so i suppose he’ll just have gross disgusting chapped flaking lips forever… 💔

-

hermie - he likes messing with his hair— usually has a couple of hairties on his wrist just so he can tie it up and out of the way. the gayass shaggy hair is cute until you’re overstimulated by how the bangs are touching your face.

bro itches his burn scars way too much. i have a burn scar on my ankle and i itch it so much so i think if that’s on half of his body its. its gotta itch a bunch. he probably does it absent mindedly and doesn’t notice ever until someone points it out.

clacks his teeth together when overstimulated and angry. he likes tha sounds. clickclack bitch

scam likely/well actually - stretches like a cat constantly. hermie when his dad gets on all fours and does a ‘big stretch’: ☹️ . also he purrs :3 meowmeowmeow

literally pops his limbs out of his sockets idk what to tell u. he just. CLICK. hahahah hahahah spinspinspinspin like propeller. its horrifying. its terrible.

randomly turns himself into animals. just for funsies. especially when hes overstimulated. oh ur overstimulated? just turn into NAKED MOLE RAT ( look it up theyre mostly deaf)

hero - oh she has glasses chains FOR SURE and she fumbles with them constantly. like always fiddlin. always diddlin. ok maybe not like that but like. yea.

has a ring with like.. a spinny thing. like its silver with a little planet charm that can be spun. she adores it. will not let anyone touch it. only took it off for. yknow. killin deer with her bare hands.

+ i reached 30 fucking tags with this stupid post. hate this

[ineffectualdemon]

Remembering the cartoon ReBoot from the 90s...

That show was kinda fucked up wasn't it?

For anyone who didn't watch it or is too young the summary:

The show is set in the Mainframe, a city that lives in a computer. The story follows Bob who is the guardian of the system , his friend Dot Matrix and her little brother Enzo.

There are two viruses trying to wreck havoc but kept in check by Bob and the ever present threat of Games

When a game occurs a violet box is dropped on part of the city and everyone within that are is now an NPC which must fight against the user. Because if the user wins the area is destroyed and the residents are turned into "nulls" which are slug like things

Now that's horrifying enough but at one point a portal to the web opens up and Bob is sucked inside

Enzo and his friend (a copy of a game sprite named AndrAla and that's a whole thing on its own) try to defend the city before, to avoid being killed by a game and turned into a null, they start "game hopping" travelling through systems and growing up from kids into adults warriors

Going from this:

To this:

From one season to the next

It just gets weirder from there and in some ways darker

I really enjoyed this show when it first aired but the animation is very...90s. Especially the first season which came out in 1995

But yeah in retrospect that is a fucking dark story for a kids show

Like the main cast literally always had to battle for their lives to not be turned into mindless slug creatures

I remember them talking about how cruel the user must be and stuff. It was really weird

Compelling and fun though at the time

[diezmil10000]

2023 art summary + thoughts on my own art progress under the cut!!

(template by HedgeCatDragonix on deviantart)

so i've been doing this for 10 years :P

i'm not posting these pics in high quality, they're somewhere on the internet if you want to scavange for a bit. i didn't start taking art seriously until late 2015 and i honestly don't like looking back at old drawings. i still like my 2022 art summary but it wasn't until this year that i'm proud of all my finished artworks.

my art journey is complicated. i'm not one of those artists who can say they've been drawing for all their lifes. i used to trace pokémon in my school agendas but that was it. around 2013, a couple of friends invited me to their Skype server where we used to draw each other's ocs and make art memes and stuff - it was fun and cringe in the most positive way i can say it :] i didn't know shit about art and i took pride in drawing on MS Paint with a mouse just because it was hard.

(all of my drawings until may 2018 were made with a mouse)

when i was 15 yo i got into Love Live! and i decided to get better at art because i didn't want lesbian fanart to be made only by creepy cishet men. at some point i watched this video from Sycra and it rewired my brain. i understood that i needed to actually practise and understand what i was doing, and that i wasn't going to improve just by observing. its follow-up video also helped me a lot, i remember watching it on the day it was posted jskhfdjdfd.

and so fast forward until 2021 approx. i spent all of those years practising drawing in my traditional sketchbooks, so my improvement was steady. the only problem, and in retrospective i see it as a Big Problem, is that i was grinding mindlessly. by that i mean that i copied artists i liked and i drew again and again stuff i was bad at, but i didn't think too deeply about it or analysed my own art to look for faster ways to improve it. i also don't take feedback well so i didn't ask for it either, which further slowed down my progress.

on top of it, that just made me better at drawing, not at illustration. i firmly believe that a good drawing is hard to ruin but i could have made my illustrations way more interesting if i had started going wild with colors and effects way earlier. i don't exactly regret my choices because at the end of the day it's just my hobby, and i've been praised for drawing a lot and for challenging myself to practise drawing traditionally, so i want this to be read as introspection rather than complaints!!

the reason why 2021 was a big change in my art is because in november i did this monstrosity:

i got an Android tablet to be able to draw in class and took the challenge alongside my friend Nico, who also did their own Huevember. hola si estás leyendo esto Nico, aunque lo dudo :) i can't say that any of the drawings made me better at anatomy, or composition, or colors. i can't say that they solidified my knowledge, either. but they planted a seed in my brain that would fully bloom in late 2022, which is the seed of hating the finished result of some pieces so much that i forced myself to improve.

everyone has their own motivation to get better at art and i've always thought that mine was a healthy one (i want to draw more lesbians, that's all). however, i've had a very solid 2023 and now i don't cringe at any of my pieces, plus i can notice any mistakes they have without wanting to delete them from existence - and i could only get there because at the end of 2022 i told myself i wouldn't make any more ugly illustrations. like, period. i didn't want to get anxious every time i had to look back on my own art.

i also learned that no ammount of compliments from others would magically make me like a piece i see as mid at best. of course, i appreciate every single nice comment i get (genuinely, i get very happy knowing that other people love my work), but gratitude doesn't fix a skill issue.

so, late 2022, many things happened. first i got cancelled on twitter over a drawing of my beloved mizuki from project sekai (this info will be relevant later). then i spent a whole month doing this other monstrosity that is to this day the best thing i've ever done. i haven't peaked it (yet):

this comic actually made me improve and solidify my skills. it wasn't a class assignment, or a collaboration, or anything more than a headcanon i shared with a friend - it was pure brainrot over Revue Starlight and it made me put all my cunt into it. this was also the point at which i started filling in blacks with the bucket tool instead of picking a very dark color, which is a big part of my current style :3

the thing about people cancelling me is that i had to distance myself from fandoms and eventually change accunts, which also affected how i perceived my own art. even if i draw for myself, at the end of the day i still draw characters that are loved by many people, so i disabled comments and stopped interacting with other artists of my fandom circles. that led me to go on hiatus at the start of 2023, knowing that it was time for a fresh start (my art accounts were 5 years old anyway).

that period of time made me think a lot about my finished pieces. since i wouldn't post them until i had a new account, i would stare at them for longer than ever or make small changes even if days had already passed. letting my mind rest from illustrations i had been working on and knowing i could change them whenever i wanted was a big step forward.

i realised that for the past years i had been in a hurry to post my drawings as soon as i was done with them instead of appreciating them. that was a turning point for my mindset. this was also past the time i decided to stop making ugly art, but i hadn't really taken any measures to get better. so i changed the wording of the challenge: i can make ugly art but i can't post it if i don't like it.

it doesn't sound epic, but for some reason it worked. every time i was in the middle of making a drawing that looked kind of ugly, i changed it until it looked right. not perfect, but good enough to avoid cringing in the future. some times i had to redraw it from scratch with a more interesting pose. some times i needed to add a background or a graphic element to make the characters pop. and somewhere on that period, i went wild with colors and effects, and a lot of times that saved a piece that would otherwise be boring.

i have to thank Revolutionary Girl Utena and Revue Starlight for making me experiment a lot during my hiatus. both pieces of media, one being the daugher of the other, give artists so many visual metaphors and interesting topics to work with. the revstar brainrot had been there since the junnana comic, but rgu was something i had been meaning to rewatch for a couple of years and it hit me like a fucking train. it also made me create one of the comics i'm the most proud about:

then i got into homestuck and my art got. well. stuck!! >D< but it was okay because i wasn't making ugly drawings anymore. i was putting into practise a lot of things i had been learning or experimenting with, especially regarding colors and character interactions. and the yuri was delicious hmmmmmmm.

the rest of 2023 was very linear in terms of art but not so much in terms of fandoms (?). which is fine, honestly, but i was also glad to get back into Fire Emblem: Three Houses in late that year because when i first got into it in 2019 i didn't have the skill to draw everything i wanted to draw. and i still haven't drawn all the yuri scenarios that i've been cooking in my mind, but i have until forever to do it!!

so for 2024 i want to study some stuff i feel i'm still lacking in. i think i've always had a good eye for composition, but i've never actually pushed it in my finished illustrations - they depend a lot on the poses because i've always been prioritising drawing over everything else. that needs to change this year.

i also want to get better at drawing characters from extreme angles. i've always felt like my poses are a bit flat and i think i can study photos taken with wide angle lenses to improve at that.

and of course i still want to draw faster, which is something i've always struggled with. i think i have a good rhythm of "producing" art (excuse me for the poor wording), but i'm still too slow for the kind of artstyle i want to achieve, which includes having a looser lineart and less details in irrelevant areas of the drawings. i think that overdoing the lineart actually hurts my illustrations, because everything ends up pulling the viewer's attention with the same energy. i also think messy artstyles are neat.

i promise i'm not crazy and i don't hate what i do. in fact, it's precisely because this year i managed to make some pieces with that kind of feel that i know where i want to aim. special mention to the junnana comic because i haven't been able to replicate that lineart ever since.

examples:

as for the stuff i like about my current artstyle, i definitely want to keep the way i color!! and by that i mean the method i have for applying filters that make my colors pop. i could maybe play more with textures too.

i also like the way i depict intimacy, and people have praised it too. thank you for noticing. it's the yearning that's doing it, not me. but i don't think i'll ever change the content (?) of my art, i eat breathe and speak in yuri. if anything, there are still some ways of conveying feelings that i haven't been able to draw because i lack the skill to do so, but i'll keep trying ;)

i honestly didn't expect this post to be this long. i've been writing for hours now and i'm not sure my thoughts are coherent for anyone that isn't me. i also can't grasp the idea that some people know me from fanart i did in 2016 while others started following me last month, time is wild and it's an extra dimension of complexity that i don't know how to account for when i write stuff like this.

but again, as i do with art, i've written this for myself. it's been nice to put my thoughts in order. i think i've only talked about art in depth with like 5 people and it's always been in casual conversation. no creo que estéis leyendo pero Nahia y Henar os amo y he aprendido mucho de vosotras.

thank you for reading until the end if you have. i hope you have not only a nice day but a nice year. let's meet again in the future.

[ask-the-totally-real-peppino]

(I have been trying to write this post for a while, but it keeps coming out like a sob story, and it is really not that deep jkfdgkj

So I am just going to say it, bc you guys know I love to ramble for ages, and I need some opinions

1 year of this blog is tomorrow (or today depending on how long I take to write this kjldfg), and I really do appreciate you all being here - if you have been here since the beginning, or just followed recently - if you've sent an ask, liked, reblogged, shared with a friend, theorised, made fanart, or followed me to my art blog and watched me make (and continue to make) a billion clones, anything; thank you

I made this blog on a whim, only like a week after getting into Pizza Tower, and I had no idea it would turn into what it is now

Of course, in the beginning there were a lot of actual posts, like with backgrounds and multiple characters, and I'd post several times a day if I could - and while I was having fun, it was not ideal - I'd frequently post at 7am after spending all night working on a post then I'd pass out, I'd forgo eating or showering just to draw, and I had wrecked my wrist several times, and continue to push pass the pain just to post

It wasn't just hyperfixation, it was obsession - much easier to realise that in retrospect

I was also medicated at the time, I had been on antidepressants for 3 years, so around April (I think) I ran out of meds and was unable to get more due too third party issues/unable to get in contact with my doctor/etc (and unbeknownst to me at the time, the last two packs I had were expired) - so I am sure you can imagine the sort of affect suddenly going cold turkey on the med that make you not wanna die has on a person - I was not doing great to put it lightly

But I still wanted to continue - so many people had praised me on the frequency of posts, and how excited they were and all this validation - I couldn't let people down! (Also I was, and still am, a disabled shut-in loser with no friends, posting is like the only social interaction I had/have kdfgkgfd)

But I think I did - I intimidated myself out of drawing main posts with how much work they were, started the intermission even though I said I shouldn't, had no script or direction and that I was not 100% invested in to try to motivate myself back into main posts, and it was just easier to draw silly ooc posts than do the thing I really wanted to do instead

Of course, this is not any of you guys' fault - I have always had this issue of starting something, it getting way bigger than I can manage, crashing and then just unable to get going again - I have so many unfinished comics, half-done projects and abandoned askblogs it's not even funny - but it's also like, not the end of the world, if I don't finish things I start for fun - sure, I'll feel guilty as hell for a while, but life moves on

So that being said, I would still very much like to continue the story here - I have been working on some stuff in the background (I even updated Pep's reference in the last few days, with a ton of new stuff), but I still don't think it's gonna be soon - I am doing somewhat better than I was, and I actually have an appointment for with my doctor finally (I will probably have to do some reassessments since they can't just put me back on the meds, after not having them for almost a year, and then I'd have to probably get reaccustomed to side effects etc), so despite it all I am still here

I am not sure if I want to continue the intermission with Bean and Fiend at this time - I know a few folks enjoyed it (mostly bc Fiend kjsdfkj) - but as mentioned previously it was unplanned, unscripted, and I was quickly not feeling it, as I am sure some of you guys were too - the intention was for Fiend to give you guys another hint to the main story, but getting to that point was not fun - I might do a poll on this in a separate post

I also mentioned a while back that I would be cutting down the Big Post into smaller posts, and posting as and when parts were done - but once again, do not expect these soon - (although there is a very late Valentines post coming hopefully soon)

And I think that should hopefully be it for now - I know this is a huge post, and probably still a bit sob story-ish, but oh well - I also know that the hype for Pizza Tower had unfortunately died down significantly, but I'm still working on PT stuff on my art blog @smalltimidbean if you wanna see more silly things (and maybe some lore for here hehe)

It is also the first now, so happy birthday Pep

Okay, thank you, and see you later)

[megumi-fm]

this week fortnight on megumi.fm ▸ the last leg

is that a pun referring to my aching ankle? yes. is resting at home for another week gonna ruin my mental health? yes. but am I exaggerating and throwing a tantrum for something that's probably not a big deal? also yes.

📋 Tasks

💻 Internship // progress tracker ↳ biopython model replication ✅ ↳ code for obtaining single fasta from overlapping sequences ✅ ↳ running HMMer and superfamily script✅ ↳ output analysis 🔁 ↳ literature review on transport proteins 🔁 ↳ transport protein family analysis 🔁 🎓 Uni ↳ our paper is finally out! there's a doi and everything now <3 it's not open access though :/// I might do some totally legal things to ensure more people can read it ↳ collected the hardcopy of my LOR ↳ collected my gradecard ↳ visited my advisor and updated her on stuff 🩺Radiomics Project ↳ radiomic features finalized✅ ↳ data cleanup 🔁

📅 Daily-s

🛌 consistent sleep [14/14] 💧 good water intake [14/14] 👟 exercise [/14] just basic stuff to maintain ankle mobility

Fun Stuff this week

💗i went to uni to watch one of my friends present something to the juniors! then I spent the afternoon chatting with my guide and later on went window shopping with my best friends (in retrospect i should not have done this because my ankle got infinitely worse the next day and now I'm stuck resting at home for an additional two weeks) 🎮playing undertale with @muakrrr 📺 ongoing: Marry my Husband, Cherry Magic Th, Perfect Propose, Doctor Slump, Flex X Cop 📺 binged: Blueming, Roommates of Poongduck 304 📹 Started watching Going Seventeen // so I've been listening to SVT for a while now and I did watch their Don't Lie II eps like two years ago but I never really checked anything else... however, considering that I'm stuck at home and that @zzzzzestforlife (who has impeccable taste) has mentioned it often on their posts, I decided to check out GoSe properly and. wow. I started with their mystery episodes [fav scenes under cut] and now I'm watching GoSe2020 in chronological order and !!!!!! The concepts, the storylines, the acting, the humour, the editing, even the subtitles are all so so good. I've been watching this show for two weeks now and I am now officially a cubic <3

📻 This week's soundtrack

Wk1: The Best of ATEEZ // I've been real obsessed since their 2024 world tour clips started showing up on social media; I was a casual enjoyer up to this point and then I went and checked them out and it's all so dystopian and immersive. My favourites would be Intro: Long Journey (which makes me feel like I'm in Pirates of the Caribbean), the Symphony version of Wonderland (for its musicality and Jungho hitting those notes), MATZ (that is insane in it's the visual storytelling in the MV) and Wake Up (whose performance choreo ended me) Wk2: The Best of BTS // in an attempt to revive a project I abandoned a year ago, I spent wayy too much time curating this playlist to get the most satisfying BTS transitions ever and I can confidently say that I'm nowhere close to my goal T-T but I kind of like the way it is now so I am simply going to give up

---

[Feb 12 to Feb 25 ; week 7+8/52 || this was not supposed to be one post but then... idk what happened... I feel very dull lately because of my ankle and just when I thought it was getting better it's become painful again... my friends and parents keep chastising me (and fairly so) for trying to move around even before I fully heal but patience has never been my strong suit. sitting still is really the biggest punishment for a hyperactive ADHD kid like me... i'm sure plenty others have it worse but... yeah... GoSe really carrying my mental health right now ]

my fav GoSe scenes

---

[yucca-moth]

I'm doing a new playthrough and it's getting me thinking about stuff. I find it incredibly harrowing that Victor basically has a dead guy's brain copied into him and has to do whatever House tells him to do.

Trudy is telling me how 'it's' hiding something, and doesn't trust Victor at all. Easy Pete telling me how he's harmless and "a broken down relic with no place to be."

Got me thinking again about how Victor's just been rolling around every so often in Goodsprings (while I'm assuming every so often switching consciousness to another robot). Why? Why keep watch over Goodsprings? It's not like it's instrumental to the strip or House at all to hang around there for 10 years.

Which leads me to the deeper questions like how much humanity remains in him? How much of the person he's based on remains specifically? Does he still think like a human, or are all the processes now... hmm filtered through machine like reasoning?

What got me thinking about Victor in this way again was suddenlyremembering how I asked him to help us defend Goodsprings in my first playthrough, and he didn't show up. Feeling disappointed. Then I think I used science skill when I next saw him to determine 'someone' (obv House in retrospect) had shut him down to prevent him showing up to help.

Incredibly horrifying to think that someone who owns you could shut you down like that, no matter their relationship when he was human. If House can shut him down, and gets him to do things like follow me around but not get involved, then how much free will does he have over his actions? Has Victor changed in the last 200 years? Or is he stuck exactly as he was when his brain was scanned, except that he has no choice in what he does now if House doesn't like it. Does he get to die if he wants to? Or is he too useful to House to be allowed that? Can House mess around with his artificial brain or just simply manipulate him into doing what he wants the old fashioned way? Is his compliance with House out of habit from when he was human, choice because he still agrees with House's ideas, or is there no choice for him?

I vaguely remember the explanations he gave me in the Lucky 38 in a previous playthrough making me sad. I can't even remember what he said exactly about himself, but I remember lots of questions feeling left unanswered. Which is part of the fnv experience of course... But, in this case I just couldn't even look at Victor standing outside the Lucky 38 without feeling bad. And now seeing him rolling around Goodsprings it's bringing back some of the sadness

I know part of the fun of FNV is creating your own ideas, roleplaying, deciding how to take situations where it isn't fully fleshed out or the constraints of the game are showing. So idk, I hope maybe I'm thinking about it all in a certain way, and maybe I come across or reason out another way to think about these Victor questions in my current playthrough. But for now he's a bunch of unanswered questions to me.

[cowgurrrl]

JUST WATCHED THE SAG-AFTRA FOUNDATION VIDEO WITH PEDRO PASCAL ANDDDD.....gotta mention her but the idea of actress!reader having a similar segment for herself, getting similar questions while rockstar!joel is there to support her?? YES PLEASE, it'd be so cute !!! and actress!reader would have some amazing answers and little stories to share about her career me thinks

I love this idea!!

Good Old Days

Pairing: rockstar!joel miller x actress!reader

Summary: this ask!!

Warnings: unedited because I simply cannot be asked, the kids are so grown up in this :(, fun little reflections, I think that’s it!

It feels weird to be at a point in your career to be able to do a Career Retrospective with SAG-AFTRA, but it also feels well-earned. You’ve been in the business long enough to have seen a thing or two and you’re excited for the opportunity to get to talk about it. Plus, Joel took the day off from working at the label and is sitting in the audience of other card-carrying SAG actors. The woman interviewing you introduces you to the crowd and you walk out to modest applause and an especially loud whistle from Joel. You blow him a kiss before settling across from your interviewer, Kate, who immediately gets into it.

“Thank you so much for joining us today. Should we start with the question everyone probably asks you? When did you get your SAG card?” She asks and you laugh a little at the memory.

“I got my SAG card literally the second I got my first gig in LA. It was mandatory for the project and the project was Sweet Water-”

“That was your first gig when you got to LA?”

“Yeah. My apartment wasn’t even unpacked when I got sent home with the script and they were like, ‘make sure you mark in your script’ and all that stuff and I didn’t have a dining room table. I was literally marking stuff while sitting on the floor.”

“That’s must’ve been a big leap.”

“It was huge. This was a tiny pilot that was coming onto this huge scene of TV medical dramas and it wasn’t supposed to be set in this big city, it was a rural hospital, and we didn’t know if it was gonna get picked up. So, yeah, it was pretty scary for a second. My family was terrified but they told me they felt a little better once I was a part of the union.” You shrug, not knowing how much you actually believe that, but their support got you to where you are for a reason.

“That’s surprising to know, especially now that it’s a huge success.”

“We didn’t know for a long time if it was gonna flop or not,” you admit. “I remember Carolina and I would always get stuck doing night shoots and we’d just be exhausted and covered in the fake blood or whatever and we would look at each other like, ‘what the fuck are we doing?’ But I loved that character and I loved that show.”

“How did you get into acting before all that?” She asks and you stretch your memory back as far as you can.

“I think I was always interested in it. I worked at a movie theatre for a while just so I could go see movies for free and when we read plays in class, I would always get really excited. I did theatre throughout high school and college but it didn’t really start to feel like a real career until I started working. Like I would act in little short films and get paid like $100 for a week of work and I thought that was what acting was. So, I just kept taking on projects and kept working and then eventually got noticed but I think even if I didn’t get picked up, I would still be acting in some capacity.

“And you went to NYU?” She asks and you nod. “What drew you to NYU?”

“I mean, isn’t it every young actors dream to go to New York? I just thought that’s where people were actors and artists and I wanted to be a part of it. I moved to the city and knew absolutely no one and it was a real starving artist kinda vibe for a while. Like I was a waitress at two different restaurants and one of them was in Midtown and the other was in the Upper East side so I was constantly jumping boroughs and spending money on subway tickets. But it was a really great experience and I met a lot of incredibly talented people.”

“Including Carolina Garcia-Long.”

“Oh, especially Carolina Garcia-Long!” You exclaim, excited to talk about one of your favorite people. “She’s such an amazing person and I’m so lucky I got to start my career with her. I just love her and Ryan so much.”

“Had you guys acted together before Sweet Water?”

“Yeah, so Carolina and I had been scene partners during class assignments and we were often at the same auditions for things. Ryan and I didn’t act together professionally until… I wanna say our first project together was Self Made Men? That was right when he was starting to pick up steam in his career and it was my first movie right off of Sweet Water and I played this super minor character named Sunday. I was really only on the call sheet for a few days but we had so much fun that he kept inviting me back, if not to work, then to learn and that totally changed things for me,” you furrow your brows as you think. “I might have to text him after this and ask because I’m almost positive we did something together before Self Made Men. But way before that, in New York, our paths just kept crossing and crossing and then Carolina and I finally moved in together in this tiny little apartment in Hell’s Kitchen with two other girls. I actually took Joel by there on our first trip to New York together and he was so shocked at how shitty the building was. Sorry, can I swear? If not, I think I’ve already broken that rule.” You cover your mouth and look around for someone to make a cutting motion at their throat to get you to stop but everyone just laughs.

“You can say whatever you want.” Kate says and you let out a relieved sigh.

“Okay, good,” you say. “But yeah, I remember him asking all these questions like, ‘wait, how many people live there?’ And I was like, ‘well four of us but sometimes their boyfriends or whatever would stay over so sometimes up to eight people.’ He was such a dad about it, just panicking about fire safety and whatever else. It was so stupidly endearing.”

“And he’s here today, right?” She asks and you look out into the crowd until you find his smiling face and point him out to her.

“He’s over there in that corner, trying to act like he doesn’t know we’re talking about him.” He blushes at your words and shakes his head but you just smile.

“Something I didn’t know about your husband is that he’s actually a card-carrying member of SAG-AFTRA.”

“He is!” You say, excitedly. “For like the first ten years of our marriage, he would come to set and just randomly get placed as an extra or a random character. I think he even said two lines once as like a barista or something but we did an episode of Things We Don’t Talk About together where they actually cast him as police officer and that entire production was a must-join so, yeah, he got his little SAG-AFTRA card and became a union man.”

“Did you ever think you’d get to do TV with your husband?” She asks and you laugh.

“I never even thought I’d be on TV, let alone my husband.”

“I guess that’s true because you did a lot of Shakespeare before coming to film and TV, what drew you to that?”

“I honestly don’t know. I think I just needed a job around the time I actually started doing Shakespeare so it was more of a necessity than anything. I didn’t really care about it in school and it was always confusing but once I got into shows and learning more about it, I was totally hooked. I did Shakespeare in the Park several times and did some off off off Broadway Shakespeare work, too, and I just love it. And we’ve raised our kids on it.”

“Have you really?”

“Oh, yeah. Our son and daughter-in-law actually just had their first little girl and she’s named after a Shakespearean character.” You say, beaming from just talking about Juno.

“Do we get to know the name?” She asks and you shake your head.

“I’m afraid that’s not my secret to tell, but she is very, very cute.”

“Well, congratulations to both of you.”

“Thank you,” you say. The rest of the interview goes well and you even get to tease the new project you’re working on with Violet. It feels good to recap such a fun and still running career, a feat not everyone gets to celebrate. It also helps that Joel is waiting in the wings with a big hug and kiss the second you’re off stage.

[kittyball23]

Okay guys, listen up!

Got some insight to the Annecy Film Festival and some of the news it revealed! The info I found was from a posting on the YouTube channel "jstar" (if you're on Tumblr, I'd love to know 😀) from a screenshot presumably found from somewhere on social media ( A friend I speak to on Wattpad brought this channel and its postings to my attention). Here's what exactly was said:

"To be factual: after the furious madness of the second Trolls, whose psychedelic energy had something orgasmic about it, exit hard rock and welcome to the glorious era of boy bands. A retrospective choice (still) logical given the astounding popularity of Kpop today. He's Justin Timberlake's character, Branche, who was actually in a boy band with his brothers when he was little (watch out for the puns in the movie on Nsync, One Direction and the like) before being cowardly abandoned, becoming th grumpy, melancholy troll he is today. The goal of the film will be to reassemble the band to save one of them, captured by idols without talents who sniff him to become good singers. By breaking a crystal that imprisons him with the power of perfect harmony."

So I guess the brothers have to sing the 'Family Harmony' (which sounds like a special song of some sort) to save Floyd who is trapped in a crystal that Velvet and Veneer placed him in after they smell him to obtain his talent?

Um... what? XD

So I guess it kinda makes sense in a way - Bergens ate Trolls to obtain their happiness, so perhaps sniffling them means that they can get their singing abilities?? Perhaps that's why they have to keep him - maybe inhaling his talent is only temporary? Maybe each time they do it continues to turn his hair the white that we saw in the first poster? And what's the deal with the Family Harmony? How will that play out? Are their voices going to combine like a magical force and break the crystal Floyd’s trapped in? If this is all true, I've certainly got a lot of questions lol

Other postings that were made on social media stated that the first 20 MINUTES of the movie were shown.

Here is a posting regarding Broppy:

"Branch definitely has a bigger emotional hurdle to jump through in this movie and Poppy really helps him with that, kind of like in the first movie, but it's a much different issue, even though Poppy feels like it's the same kind of situation to solve."

I had a feeling that this movie would remind me of the first :) This next one is about my boyz:

"We explore the world of boy bands in the world of 90s music! We celebrate them, but with a certain irony, having a little fun with them. They are more expressive and maybe they also have problems on their side. It was fun exploring these different personalities, feeling a likeness and family connection to them. But also for each of the four brothers to find their own personality, their own voice and their own part of the family."

This last quoting is about the music:

"The composer remains Ted Shapiro and we are working with a great musical team at the moment. Justin is still the executive producer of the original music and was involved in its development early on. There are five original songs that he spearheads, as well as more jukebox songs, classic and familiar happy tunes and he calls on other producers he wants to work with to create the best song for this moment in the film."

Still don't have word on the original songs, but we do know from previous info that some of the involved songs are We Are Family, Staying Alive, Everybody (Backstreet's Back), The Hustle, You Got the Right Stuff, Sailing, Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This, and I Want You Back. I also have my own ideas for what songs I think could work for the movie, but I'll save it for another post :)

[sensitiveheartless]

*kicks down your door*

The newest chapter of Dazai’s Moving Detective Agency is so fucking good it is now my fave chapter I did not expect THAT to be the solution to the heart thing. Also the Akutagawa and Atsushi thing was Goddamn hilarious.

*Shakes your hand, fixes the door, and leaves.*

HULLO oh my gosh I'm sorry this took me so long to respond to alskdfjskfjs this ask was one of the ones that kept disappearing and reappearing in my browser inbox for some reason — ANYWAY YESSS (I want to talk about spoilers for chapter 19 so I'm gonna put them under the cut :0)

Ok so the heart thing! I wanted to mention that I remember seeing your comment where you theorized about how maybe the heart thing would be solved by Chuuya and Dazai kissing or saying "I love you" for the first time, and that maybe they could metaphorically share a heart between them, and the way you wrote it sounded so nice and romantic and lovely and while I was reading it I was internally just thinking "oh no" because of how it was actually going to go XD

In retrospect I really did have Chuuya solve it in the most brute force way possible aksdjfksfjks — speaking of that scene though, it did change a bit from the way I had originally planned it! Since I wrote the story back to front, I figured out the ending first, then the middle, then went back to the beginning and worked forward from there — so as a result, by the time I got back to the ending, a bunch of character stuff had changed.

Basically, in my first draft, Chuuya was going to get out of the chasm, find Dazai in the castle ruins, tell Yosano "before you say anything I know this is very medically inadvisable", then immediately pull his own heart out of his chest and split it in half (much to the utter horror of everyone watching). I was kind of hand-waving the magic aspect at that point, figuring "well, he's a star with a shit-ton of magic, he can probably survive doing wild stuff like that".

...But then I started writing everything out from the beginning, and added all the stuff with Chuuya learning not to shut out the people who care about him and to let them help him when he's in trouble, and in the process of really digging into his character arc I realized that I had made it so that him acting on his own like that would have been rolling back the character development I had already given him aksjdfksdfjskj SO I thought about it for a looong time and gradually figured out how to incorporate Rimbaud, Yosano, Kyouka, and the rest into all helping out in their own ways. And I ended up liking that version way better, since it fits more with the theme of support and the importance of all Chuuya's bonds he's made along the way, so I think it was worth the extra effort in the end!

...It still is a very brute-force way to solve it though XD Chuuya has a very straight forward approach to everything ksjfkdsj

ANYWAY that was a long ramble — I'm also really glad you enjoyed the Akutagawa and Atsushi shenanigans, I ended up having way too much fun with that part :D Their interactions are actually pretty similar to how I initially planned everything out (that end part where Dazai and Chuuya are completely wrapped up in each other while everything is spiraling out of control around them is heavily inspired by the ending of the book version of Howl's Moving Castle, and I had most of the dialogue for it figured out from the beginning).

...Honestly, considering how out of order I wrote it, I'm surprised I didn't have to scrap more scenes. As it is, the only things that really ended up getting changed/scrapped were:

A part of chapter 11 (in particular, the bit where Chuuya and Dazai talk after Dazai brings Akutagawa and Kyouka to the castle was originally a very different tone, because Chuuya was not supposed to have gotten as far along his "realizing he has feelings for Dazai" arc)(I do still kinda like the original version for the comedy aspect, but I like the way the final version fits with their relationship progression better)

A scene where Dazai was going to get drunk, which had to be scrapped entirely (I was basing it off of the book scene where Howl gets drunk and goes on a rant about the curse, but I ended up deciding that it a), made things way too obvious, and b), Chuuya should have absolutely figured everything out from what Dazai said and I didn't want to make Chuuya seem like a moron)

The final confrontation between Chuuya, Dazai, and Fyodor changed a LOT. I rewrote that scene. So many times. Similar to the Chuuya-pulling-out-his-heart-scene, there was a bit in my original draft that ended up being very out of character for Dazai because of how his and Chuuya's relationship had developed in the rest of the story, so I had to completely switch around how they got into the chasm in the first place. I again think it was worth the effort though, because I think where it landed (Dazai completely losing control of the situation and having to trust Chuuya to save them both) was more interesting for Dazai's arc as well.

Anyway, all that said— I've had a really really good time writing this fic, and I'm happy other people have enjoyed it too!! (And hopefully I can actually finish chapter 20 soon aksdjfksdj things keep getting in the way of it help)

[incirrata]

very kind of ds9 to welcome me back from my too-long hiatus in watching with two consecutive episodes delving into a specific character’s ethical views as they’ve been portrayed for six seasons and to what degree the character believes that the ends justify the means!

first of all we’ve got “inquisition,” in which some other stuff is going on but I’m mostly engaged by the full review of bashir’s most important moral decisions. it’s not an original choice for a doctor, but he’s always has a strong do no harm principle that means he tends to advocate for the least utilitarian choice. possible counterpoints are brought up: he hid his status as genetically modified from starfleet and he advocated that one time for the federation to surrender because he didn’t think they’d be able to defeat the dominion. tellingly, though, neither case involves directly harming people for the end goal. I think it’s very realistic for someone to have some certain actions (directly harming or not saving people) which they will never take, while they also hold some principles (loyalty to starfleet) which they will set aside for the greater good. sexy and fun episode.

in the pale moonlight. here we’ve got our consequentialist! he feels bad about it but he can live with it. computer, erase that entire personal log. (sidenote: the framing of an episode like this with a retrospective monologue would never work unless you have someone as good at monologuing as avery brooks. I get why everyone quotes those ending lines now.) interesting things happening here beyond the “our character DOES think the ends justify the means” thing. it’s implied that garak keeping the full plan from sisko was necessary and he never would have signed off on it originally, yet he says he’d do everything again! is this an issue of personal responsibility? willing to be an accessory to murder vs. a murderer; the pulling of the trolley lever itself kind of thing? or is it what I see as the main consideration consequentialism must concern itself with: the question of uncertainty? does sisko retrospectively condone the murder now that he knows it was effective, but wouldn’t have done so with the outcome up in the air? how much uncertainty would he have tolerated? sexy and fun episode.