#something something talking about myself is part of my recovery too

[dunmeshistash]

Literally right after I saw one of ur Milsiril posts today I saw another person doing a Mithrun analysis with a huge focus on Milsiril only helping him bc of ulterior motives and it makes me sad :( She’s such a soft mum that would teach her children anything. If anything she’s less overbearing than my Chinese mother

What are the arguments? I don't really get what she gets from helping Mithrun. I guess the thing she would be able to get is making him fight the demon.

But like, she's no longer a canary and there isn't really much to hint that's what she wants. This is her part in Kabru's version

My boy really fairy tale-fied his backstory, it just ends with "And from that point onward Mithrun lived only to slay demons. He ate even though he had no desire to eat. He lived on, even though he had no desire to live."

Which is objectively false, in this version it really seems like she lets him live cause he can still be used, but he can't.

This doesn't really look like a killing machine that can be used to fight demons does it. Kabru as usual oversimplified what happened cause as he said "the world doesn't need to know personal things like that"

Again with his timeline vs Kabru's

Utaya started and ended while he was still recovering, 20 years from being saved to being appointed as a captain again. I know elves see time differently but even if we do the divided by 5 that's still the equivalent of 4 years of his life if he was a tallman. I don't think that's a negligible amount of time and honestly I'm happy Ryoko Kui considered that recovery from something so traumatic isn't fast or easy.

I said Milsiril only started to help with his rehabilitation after she retired because of this bit. "Mithrun. I saw a demon in Utaya" the situation from arrival to destruction was at most one year, I can't imagine she was able to leave in the middle of it just to visit Mithrun?

So I always assumed she did it after retiring (perhaps one of the first things she did since she's still in canary uniform)

Even if she left in the middle the earliest this could have happened is 498 so at most from his 20 years of rehabilitation Milsiril was with him for 2. At the most.

To me her smile here is cause she's seeing a way to motivate him to eat

Doesn't really look like someone sinister or with ulterior motives to me, she has her eyebrows slighty furrowed and a forced tight smile. To me it looks like she's worried. The other point is that right before this scene this is what she says

Here she has a soft smile as she remembers that he was someone similar to her. I think she didn't kill him because she saw herself in him, and I think she tried to help him for a similar reason. "It was such a warped, convoluted place built from inferiority jealousy lies and anger" "We might have hit it off pretty well"

She isn't saying that to judge him she's saying that and acknowledging he was just like her. I don't think the fact she relates to him would have been set up right before she tries to motivate him to eat to show "ulterior motives".

If anything I think the ulterior motive she has is that she sees herself in him, and wants to help him to help herself. Which as 'ulterior motives' go I think it's fine.

Everytime I talk about Milsiril I end up with a huge text lmao, I think I might be repeating myself too but I wish I understood the arguments for a sinister Milsiril using Mithrun. I don't really see anything in the extras that could indicate that. And the biggest "proof" is a intentionally abridged version of Mithrun's backstory told by Kabru that ignores all of his interpersonal relationships in favor of a easy to understand cautionary tale.

Oh yeah, and Mithrun's bitchy past self that didn't trust or like anyone saying it,

[girlgenius1111]

masterlist wips last updated march 25

alexia putellas

a cure for frustration p1 make it better p2 -smut

do you want my attention? -smut

do you need me? p1 just admit it p2

tease p1 tease p2 -smut

love you anyway p1 i love you... it's all i can think p2 let me show you p3-smut

trying to be cool about it p1 we don’t have to talk about it p2 i can't hide from you like i hide from myself p3

waiting room p1 she’ll be the best you ever had if you let her p2

didn't mean to forget you

something isn’t right, babe

give you my sunshine, give you my best

got love struck went straight to my head p1 what if all i need is you p2 smut

who could stay?

talk more

didn't think that through smut

birthdays are supposed to have surprises p1 i'll be whatever you need p2

stuck with me

echoes of her

you come back with gravity

miscommunications + conversations

say it again smut

rather be anyone else

please smut please part 2

i always know what you need smut putellas!reader

when i break, it's in a million pieces chap 1 shining just for you chap 2 all i do is try, try, try chap 3

young, drunk, and alone

i'll make it through the winter if it kills me p1 i'll angel in the snow until i'm worthy p2

ona batlle

you don't have to pretend with me

that night was a mistake

that night was a mistake

is this a mistake too? [smut]

i want to be here.

pay for your crimes

the great war

sweet dream was over

it was war it wasn't fair

burning embers

maybe it's the past that's talking... screaming from the crypt

we will never go back

claudia pina

resistance & persistence

always will

misa rodriguez

to the brink

no one speaks to you like that

snapped snapped p2

jenni hermoso

homecoming

cata coll

prove yourself

leah williamson

ACL tear #4, ACL couple #2 p1 matching injuries, matching fits p2 you could see the best of me p3 smut

leila ouahabi

can she make you feel like I do? smut

patri guijarro

like you mean it p1 i know you can p2 smut

ingrid engen

i wake up screaming from dreaming

engen!reader solstråle engen - family line

all that i did to try to undo it

all of my pain and all your excuses

ingrid engen x mapí león x reader

don't doubt us

always want you

you aren’t a chore…

all the same

alexia putellas x jenni hermoso x misa rodríguez x reader [aka the orgy fic]

just let go

chapter 1

chapter 2

chapter 3

chapter 4

barca femeni x reader

you can let it go p1. you talk of the pain like it's all alright p2. you can start a family who will always show you love p3. one step forward and three steps back p4.

don't tell Leah

pop back up p1 key to recovery p2

i can take care of myself

no one should be alone on christmas

worry about them p1 learn your lesson p2

always enough for us

don't you trust me?

wrong.

adrenaline junkie p1 with a high comes a crash p2 aftershocks p3 crumbling under pressure p4

i don't know why i am the way i am

you can face this

screaming underwater p1 wavin' from the shore p2

arsenal wfc x reader

i could change up my body and change up my face

don't let this darkness fool you

you can’t keep secrets from us

who I write for

alexia putellas

ona batlle

mapi leon

ingrid engen

mariona caldentey

patri guijarro

claudia pina

leah williamson

alessia russo

leila ouahabi

jenni hermoso

misa rodriguez

jana fernandez

I would say that this isn't like a full list because I feel like i'm forgetting people, but also just ask, i'll probably write for a lot of people unless I don't feel like I know their personality at all.

[transmascissues]

some thoughts about top surgery recovery, as of 3 days post-op:

when they say using your chest muscles sucks afterward, i never realized exactly how much was going to be be limited. coughing, sneezing, hiccuping, laughing — all of it is terrifying right now. even talking for too long starts to put that kind of stress on my chest, and my voice isn’t as strong as it usually is. it takes me forever to fully empty my bladder when i’m on the toilet because i’m totally relying on gravity to do all the work (and shitting was effectively impossible without a stool softener even though i haven’t taken the pain meds they said i would need them for)…and don’t even get me started on figuring out how to wipe (hint: back to front while sitting, using my dominant hand to push my non-dominant hand far back enough). using the computer is also harder — i was planning on playing lots of baldur’s gate after, but for the first couple days i could only really go for a few minutes before using my arms that way got too tiring. having a mastectomy pillow has been an absolute godsend when i’m using my phone because i can prop my arms up on it and not really have to use any muscles at all to hold them up.

the biggest piece of not being able to use my chest muscles right now, which i’m writing separately because it’s been such a huge thing for me, is that i cannot sit up or back by myself at fucking all. like, if i sit on the couch and lean back a bit to sit against the cushion, it hurts to pull myself back up to fully straight — and if i’m leaning back any more than that, i just can’t do it at all and i’m stuck there unless my boyfriend puts their hands behind me and pushes my dead weight back up. i totally get why some people sleep in a recliner now because i’m completely at the mercy of having someone there to help move me around once i’m at any sort of angle. sitting back is mostly the same as far as what i can do, and arguably hurts worse to attempt at all, but my ability to do it seems to be coming back faster than my ability to sit up. if you’ve never had your mobility limited to that extent before, prepare yourself: the first time you’re stuck somewhere and the person who normally helps you doesn’t answer immediately can be really fucking scary (i learned that the hard way).

the anesthesiologist warned me that i might have a sore throat after surgery from being intubated, but i was not prepared for what “sore throat” ended up meaning for me. you know that feeling of swallowing something that’s too big and you can still feel it in your throat even after it’s down? it’s like that times 20, and further down in my throat. the worst pain i’ve felt in the last three days wasn’t from the surgery itself, it was from trying to swallow pancakes when my throat was at it’s worst. today is the first day it’s even started to fade, and even now, it hurts just to swallow my own spit. i don’t know about you, but that’s not what comes to mind when someone tells me “you might have a sore throat”.

on that note, the incisions themselves have really been the least painful part in general, probably because the nerves there aren’t reconnected yet. the vast majority of my pain and discomfort at this point has been from the drains and bandages — the drain sites getting sore or just randomly starting to sting, waking up feeling suffocated by the ace bandages, etc. it’s not because anything is wrong with them — the drains weren’t placed wrong and the bandages aren’t too tight, they’re just a huge pain in the ass to deal with 24/7. i can’t express how much i’m looking forward to getting the drains out and being able to take binder breaks because it’ll make things so much more comfortable.

my incisions are connected in the middle because my chest tissue was all really close together, and the part where the incisions connect is really the only part where i’ve felt any pain so far. i suspect it’s because the swelling on either side is making that part of the incision push together and press against itself, and then the binder pushes on it even more. it’s not a severe pain at all, but i do sometimes lift the center of the bandage off my chest for a second to give that spot a bit of a break.

i’ve already started getting some of the weird sensations associated with nerves reconnecting, and it definitely is wild. so far, it’s been mostly tingly feelings, sometimes like chills and sometimes more like a limb falling asleep. (weird observation: taking a shit makes my ribs tingle? i’ve got no good explanation for that one.) i’ve gotten a zap on one side and some buzzing feelings too. it’s pretty mild right now, probably because it’s so early on.

i’ve also gotten what i would describe as phantom boob feelings, especially on the first night. specifically, when i close my eyes, sometimes i’ll feel like someone is touching or jiggling the boobs i don’t have anymore. definitely not a super pleasant experience, but i think being out of it from the anesthesia still really helped me not be too upset by the worst of it. i’ve gotten a couple little phantom nipple touches too, but those were just split second blips of sensation that were far less bothersome in comparison.

i never realized that the classic post-op hunch is caused more by the binder than by the body itself, but we had to take all of my bandages off the night after my surgery to send pictures of something to my surgeon, and i was shocked by how much straighter i could sit with everything off. i was definitely still hunched, but it was more like a natural slouch and less like i looked like i was using an invisible walker. with the binder on, it’s super uncomfortable for me to try to stand straight at all because it feels like the ace bandage doesn’t come with my body and just drags everything down, and i’m always holding my mastectomy pillow or my hands to my chest while i walk around to stop it from feeling like gravity is going make the bandage tear my chest open.

every so often, when things are getting especially painful or uncomfortable or just generally difficult, i do start to wonder if i made the right choice. not because i regret getting rid of those things — not by a long shot — but because it’s a fucking hard process to go through. this is probably the hardest thing for me to admit, but the rational part of my mind knows it’s natural to feel that way once in a while. all of this is temporary and the relief from dysphoria will be permanent, but right now? this is my entire world and it doesn’t feel particularly temporary and i do have moments of “why do i have to go through all this when other people get to just have the right body from the start? why couldn’t i just live with what i had? why can’t i just be living my normal life right now?” no matter how sure you are of your choice, no matter how proud you are of being trans, this shit is hard and it’s okay to feel that.

i’m going to put the pictures of my chest one day post-op under the cut, because i think it’s pretty rare to see pictures from that soon after the surgery. they’re not gorey at all — the actual incisions are totally covered by steri strips and everything around them is clean — but still, if you don’t want to see relatively fresh surgery results, don’t look under the cut.

for all the discomfort and pain and limitations and other weirdness of recovery, every time i look at these pictures it reminds me of exactly why i’m doing all of this, and i’m so glad i kept fighting for this for so long. some people might never understand why someone would choose to go through this whole process, but i know it’ll be worth it in the end.

here’s my chest one day post-op! i think it looks super good and my surgeon said it looks like it’s healing perfectly (as much as it can be healing at one day). for reference, my chest was a DDD/F before surgery. i know this isn’t how my chest will look in the end, but i’m already thrilled with how things are turning out! i’ve truly never been more confident in my choice of surgeon — like, come on! look at that! she did so good!

[delulu-baddie]

too sorry too late

A/N This is part 2 to girl in the mirror so if you haven't read that yet, make sure to check it out. Thank you guys so much for all of the positive feedback I got on the first part. I hope you enjoy.

Summary Paige comes back to make things right before realizing she's too late

Warnings Lots of swearing

Paige Bueckers x Reader

Paige’s POV

 I don’t know why I've been acting this way, I just want everything to go back to how it was in the beginning, when we were planning our future together and genuinely happy. I went to the gym to go shoot some baskets to cool off some after walking out after that fight. I don't know what I was thinking, I know that those things aren't true about y/n and I also know that she's been going through a hard time recently and here I am putting her down even more. I love her really, but I've been doing a shitty job of showing it. Spending nights partying with friends after promising her I would spend time with her and refusing to talk to her when she would bring up the things I did that was hurting her. I would never cheat on her and I know I shouldn’t have taken that receipt, I was well aware of what that waitress was trying to do, I just didn’t know how to react to it so I just crumbled it up and threw it in my pocket completely forgetting about it.  I never had any intentions on calling her but when y/n started making assumptions about my intentions I just added more fuel to the fire. I need to go back home and fix this right now, fix us right now before it's too late. 

Before heading back I stopped at the store and picked up some of her favorite flowers. It's something small but I need her to know that I'm trying. I think the store owner could tell that I was going through it because she ended up giving me a discount on the bouquet which doesn't usually happen. I hopped back in the car and sped back home to make this right with my girl and let her know how much I love and appreciate her. She's been there for me through it all. When I got hurt sophomore year she sat there with me through my whole recovery time period, came to all of my physical therapy appointments, just to show me that she's here to support me, and here I was not even giving her the reassurance that she's the only girl that I want, the one that I8 want to spend the rest of my life with. 

I park the car and walk up to the front door taking a deep breath before walking in. I noticed that all of the lights were off, so I'm assuming that she fell asleep after I left. I quietly make my way to the room and quickly notice that she's not there. Maybe she was on the couch and I missed her, I think to myself. I walk back over to the living room and realize she's not there. I walk back to our bedroom to see if she's in the bathroom and quickly notice the necklace I gave her tonight sitting neatly on my nightstand. That was enough to make my heart drop to my stomach. I quickly grab my phone and dial her number, but I get sent straight to voicemail, I call six times, and get sent to voicemail every time. I decided to text her to make sure she's okay and immediately noticed the text bubble turned green. “SHIT” I yell out, not caring if my neighbors hear. I fucked up badly this time and I need to figure out a way to bring her back.

It’s almost midnight and I should give her some time but I can't let her leave. I quickly grab my keys and make my way to my car, figuring she's at her best friend y/fn’s house and make my way over there. The drive is short, mainly due to the fact of me speeding well over the limit trying to get there as quickly as possible. My heart is racing and I have tears running down my face just trying to figure out how I could let things get this bad.I see her car parked outside, which is a good sign, at least I know she okay and  I make my way out of the car and knock on the door which gets opened my y/f/n. “What do you want, Paige?” she asked me with a clearly annoyed look on her face. “ I just want to speak to her” I say to her  “please” I beg, my voice cracking slightly. “She doesn't want to sp-” she starts before getting cut off by y/n “Its fine, just give me a minute, i'll be right back” y/n says before stepping outside shutting the door behind her. I take a good look at her, her eyes are puffy signifying she had been crying. 

 “So?” she asks with no expression on her face. “ Look, I know you probably don’t want to see me right now, I know what I said hurt you and I also know that none of it is true” I begin “ you should be able to come to me with your problems and I should be there to comfort you, not bring you down like I have been. I miss us, the real us, the ones that would stay up well past the time we should be awake, just talking and sharing small kisses. I'm aware that I messed up, and you don't have to accept my apology, but I need to get it out before I lose you for good. I promise you I'll change, I'll do better and I'll treat you how you should be treated. I love you, I have for the past two years, I want to marry you some day and start a little family together. Please just give me the chance to make things right.” I ramble, grabbing her hand. “Paige, I appreciate the apology, but it's already too late. These last few months have been miserable for me, and it was because of you.” she says starting to tear up “I would give anything to go back to the way we were, but I can't take anymore. I've changed, I barely look like myself anymore. I'm constantly getting torn down by you, we can't even have a conversation without it turning into some sort of altercation. I'm sorry but I don't see myself being with someone who acts like this, let alone having children with them.”

I looked at her hoping she would see in my face how sorry I was. After a minute of silence I break down, sitting on the curb crying into my hands. She sits down next to me, putting her hand on my back. “You're not a bad person Paige, you just started going down the wrong path, and I know one day you're going to find someone that you can love and treat right, but I can't sit here waiting for you to become that person.” she says looking over at me. I lift my head and wrap my arms around her crying into her shoulder “I'm so sorry” I sob into her shoulder. “I know you are, but this is for the best, I need to learn to love myself before I can love someone else, and I have you to thank for making me realize that.” she says lifting my  head off her shoulder to make me look at her. “This is for the best. I can't love you more than I love myself, not anymore” she says with a frown on her face. I've always hated seeing her sad, which is why any time we fought I would leave, because I couldn't cope with the fact that I was causing the love of my life to experience pain, but now I've lost her for good and there's nothing else that I can do about it.

“I love you” I say to her, grabbing her and pulling her into one last hug with a kiss on her forehead. “I love you too” she says before separating away and walking back into the house, giving me a small wave and closing the door. I run my hands down my face walking back towards my car, taking in what just happened. I lost the best person to come in my life, I ruined her and made her feel like she didn’t matter to me. I'm not sure how I'm going to get over this, and I hope that one day we can at least be friends, but I need to give her space and allow her to grow without me, and hopefully find someone who appreciates her the way that I should have.

[rosyheretic]

little bird (part 1) (steve rogers x fem!reader)

summary: steve rogers has been acting strangely around you for months, and now you know why: he found out about your crush on him and decided to tease you until you couldn't take it, as penance for your insubordination in the field. how much of steve's provocation can you take? and does he enjoy working you up?

warnings: explicit sexual content, upcoming smut, post-endgame avengers au where everyone lives and stays, witch reader, DIRTY TALK, sparring, voyeurism, humiliation a little

notes: hi hi hello! my name is april and this is my first fic on this account. i just can't get steve rogers out of my head and need to express myself tbh. so i hope you enjoy! i love to write, so let me know if you have any requests for steve (or bucky perhaps in the future). and let me know what you think of this one. hopefully this draft is not too rough.

"sweetheart, throw one more thing at me and there will be consequences," steve said gruffly from the other side of his kitchen. his expression told you this would be your final warning.

your hands cast a pink glow and the vase on the table next to you began to levitate. it flew toward the captain and just barely missed his head.

"you knew," you said lowly. "you knew and you were fucking with me."

"i might have heard something from natasha, who heard something from wanda," steve tried to minimize his knowledge of your feelings for him. "your thoughts were too loud, i guess."

"oh, so you decided to tease it out of me in front of everyone?!" you asked, incredulous.

"it's only fair, little bird. you were openly insubordinate from day one," he reminded you. he took a few steps toward your body, which was floating on a cloud of pink a few inches above the floor. "i had to put you in your place. plus, you're cute when you're embarrassed."

with a flick of your wrist, you sent steve flying backwards into the wall. he grunted but made a quick recovery, and in a flash he was next to you again.

"what did i say about consequences?" he whispered in your ear.

"i didn't throw anything at you," you replied, a bratty smile on your face.

"you're out of control. and as the captain of this team, that's a problem for me," steve continued, his hands roaming your body to coax you into submission. "i'm a patient man. you will learn discipline, no matter how long it takes. but i doubt it'll take long for you to fold, because i know all your weak spots."

you shuddered, unconsciously leaning into his touch. in an instant, he manhandled you so your feet were on the ground and pinned you against the counter. steve slotted his right leg between yours, just under the hem of your dress.

"there's this one, of course," he teased, flexing his toned thigh and grinding his knee against your clit through your panties. you couldn't hold back your whimper. "you like that? yeah, i bet you do. can't help how wet and tingly you get around me."

---

once, you and steve were paired up for a sparring match in the gym. according to the avengers' training rules, you weren't allowed to use your powers, so it was bound to be an unfair fight. no matter how much you bitched and whined, you couldn't get out of the match.

"you know if this were a regular fight, i'd kick your super ass, rogers," you taunted as he circled you.

"you think about my ass a lot, y/l/n?" he countered smugly, eliciting laughs and cheers from the other avengers. while your face burned in humiliation, steve pounced. he had you under him in a matter of seconds. one of his hands rested high on your thigh, forcing you to the ground, and the other bound your hands together above your head.

while you thrashed uselessly beneath him, steve brought his lips to your ear.

"i know what this does to you, me pinning you down," he murmured. "i can hear your heart racing, i can feel the heat between your legs, i can fucking smell you soaking your panties."

"time!" tony called, and steve withdrew. your skin tingled with the afterglow of his touch. you huffed and got up, trying to save face by acting unaffected.

"you okay there, y/n?" bucky asked, an amused smirk on his face. "you didn't last very long."

"she's alright, pal," steve answered for you, putting a hand on bucky's shoulder and leaning in. "just a little... frustrated, is all."

---

you felt another gush of wetness seep out of you at his filthy words. he pressed hard on your clit for emphasis, and you jerked in his hold. his hands then ran up your body and came to cup your breasts.

"and these... how many times have you imagined me squeezing them, telling you how soft and pretty they are? i know you were thinking about it when i gave you that shoulder massage."

he was dead-on.

---

after you wrenched your arm on a mission in tokyo, steve had insisted on giving you a massage. he claimed to want to "keep you comfortable," feeling a responsibility as your leader to look after you. you were one of the youngest avengers, after all.

he toyed with you—using his big supersoldier hands to provoke a reaction from your body, only to then leave you wet and unsatisfied. even worse, he did it on the quinjet in front of natasha, sam, and bucky. he stroked all over your body, smiling as he watched you squirm and whimper, basking in his power over you.

---

"dickhead," you whispered, your voice less venomous and more flustered than you intended.

"good point, pretty girl, i almost forgot about that," he replied with a cheeky grin. "how many times have you fantasized about feeling my big cock inside you?"

---

one movie night at the avengers compound, steve showed up wearing only a thin tank top and tight flannel pajama pants. you shuddered and pressed your thighs together when you saw him walk into the kitchen, looking so sexy. seeing the desperate look on your face, he had the audacity to wink at you.

"when are you gonna take notice of the fact that you're huge, steve? you need clothes that fit your supersoldier body properly," you chastised him to cover for the fact that the sight of his skin turned you on so much.

"i suppose you're right, doll," he responded, smiling coyly. "guess i'm still getting used to being big."

"serum makes everything bigger, doesn't it stevie?" bucky strolled into the kitchen, winking at his best friend. "so difficult to adjust."

your knees went weak at bucky's words, unable to stop imagining the monster dick hiding under steve's slutty sweatpants. you excused yourself to the restroom, hearing bucky and steve chuckle behind you.

when you returned to the living room for movie night, you made the horrifying realization that there was no seat left for you. everyone sat in their own individual recliner chair, wide enough for two small people or one supersoldier.

some of the new agents had shown up to movie night, excited to bond with the avengers. this left you sitting on the floor between two seats. both were empty, but reserved with bags. at least it had decently thick carpeting.

"aw, honey, no room left for you?" steve cooed as he and bucky strode back into the room to take their seats. "you're not sitting on the floor. don't be ridiculous. we can share."

your eyes widened and you stood up uneasily. he sat down in his chair and gently pulled you into him, leaving you perched on his left leg. this would be your undoing.

throughout the movie, the captain kept flexing his strong thigh underneath you, sending pulses to your clit. on the third flex, he feigned innocence when you gave him a dirty look.

you tried to change positions so you were no longer straddling his thigh and eventually wiggled free of him. while you considered your next move, he threw his arms around your waist and pulled you to him. soon you were sitting between his spread legs, feeling his cock through his sweatpants.

"why are you flyin' away, little bird?" he whispered in your ear, his hot breath making your head feel warm.

you couldn't help but rub against it. you had no choice, really. you were so turned on and delirious that you could only obey your dirty instincts.

when his length began to harden from the friction, you gave him a victorious smile over your shoulder. even though you were desperate for him, he couldn't deny he liked it now.

your smile faded when you made eye contact with natasha, who gave you a knowing smirk in return. god, how many people knew about this?

no. you can't do this, he's your captain. it's indecent, and he only means to humiliate you for your desire. you snapped out of it, breaking free of steve's hold and taking him by surprise. "i gotta go to bed," you managed, and darted off to your room.

that was the end of the encounter, or so you thought. later that night, you woke up to the sounds of steve groaning on the other side of your shared bedroom wall. he sounded pleasured and pent-up at the same time.

unable to resist temptation, you used your magic to project some of your energy into his room, allowing you to see him.

the sight was magnificent: captain america with his hand wrapped around his cock, moaning and grunting as he stroked himself. and oh, what a cock it was. slick with precum, long and thick and bigger than any you'd ever seen before, even in porn. you wanted his hot, hard length in your—

---

"i know you've seen it. that night at the compound, you watched me touch myself," steve rasped in your ear, caressing up and down your hips as he held you against the kitchen counter.

"how did you—"

"i saw your little pink sparks floating by my door," he interrupted you.

"okay, yeah, i'm desperately attracted to you! is that what you wanted to hear? i won't talk back or disobey your orders anymore. just please, don't humiliate me any more!"

"humiliate you? oh no, honey, you've got it all wrong. i wanted the team to know so that they'd understand i had you under control. can't have them thinking i'm a bad captain, right?"

"well, it's still embarrassing and degrading."

"not if i want it just as much as you," he said gently. "look, i was teasing you because i like to see you squirm. because i like you too. quite honestly, i have to fight like hell every day to resist the urge to take you. bend you over the counter, throw you down on my bed, fuck the attitude out of you."

you paused for a moment, stunned into silence. "and the others?"

"they're laughing at me as much as they are you, if not more. because i can't control myself around the girl who talks back to me. you make me so hard all the time, baby."

the words were music to your ears. you were dripping in your panties as he rubbed himself against you through his boxers.

"then lose control," you said.

[wosoimagines]

Disappointment

part 8 of rivals

Jo has to deal with the disappointment of an injury.

3,295 words

previous part| |next part

I grinned as I waved to my teammates who were sitting up in the stands. I knew that many of them would be here, but I hadn’t expected them all to show. Many of them waved back to me. 

It had been extremely lucky that the finals for our State Championship game was in the middle of the week. I knew that if it had been at the end of the week then none of my national teammates would have been able to make it.  

Even some of the retired players had shown. 

Jill being in the stands hadn’t been too surprising either. I had only started playing again during the State Tournament. I appreciated that she waited until now to come to watch me playing. It allowed me to get my bearings especially as I had only been called up as a training player during April for the team to get an idea of where I was with my recovery. 

I tried not to let her eyes being glued onto me get to me too much. But it was hard. 

Especially with the way my knee decided today of all days it was going to ache. I knew I should have just cautioned myself and sat out the game, but this was finally my shot at a State Championship. It was the first time I had finally made it this far into the tournament. If I didn’t this year, then I would only have one more year before I was headed to college. 

Maybe that’s why I had decided to risk playing today even though I should have rested with the Olympics right around the corner. I was a lock for the Olympics roster after all, so long as I was healthy.  

Healthy being the keyword. 

I just had to prove that I was healthy enough to get through the Olympics and then I could rest before my school season started up again next year. I was sure that Jill would give me the time off. Especially if I proved to be as big of a part of the Olympic game plan as Jill wanted me to be. It’d give me plenty of time to heal up my knee the rest of the way before we went into the new year. 

But I tried to shake my head clear of the thoughts and the nerves that came with the eyes on me. 

It wasn’t just Jill being here that had pressure on me. Most of my family had come out to watch. It was the first time this season that they had come to one of my school games. But I knew the main story that was following this game. How I was supposed to lead my team to the championship. I was the only one who would be on the field who had even had the chance to play with the national team. 

It was all anyone had been talking about. How could we lose? Plus, with my history with Jennifer? The fact that we were playing Lawson High meant we should have the game in the bag already. They had been one of the lowest seeds in the tournament. They shouldn’t have even made it this far.  

This wasn’t like the World Cup. Here I was the leader. Here I was the star. Here I was the one who was expected to get the win for my team. 

Maybe it’s what made the pain worse. Maybe my knee could hold my own weight, but the added pressure was what made it crumble. 

Because one second, I was planting my right foot to take a shot with my weak foot, and the next I was face planting into the turf.  

You know how people say pain is all in your head? Well, they’re liars. Because of all this added pressure that made my knee crumble, that pain was now etched itself into every bit of my body. I had to muffle the scream just to give myself hope at saving my spot at the Olympics, but I wasn’t sure that this pain was going to be something I could ignore this time. 

I wasn’t surprised by the quickness of our athletic trainers. The questions were quick to start. The same questions I had been asked nearly two months ago. 

I was honest with them like I was last time. This time I hadn’t heard or felt a pop, but I didn’t think I’d even try to walk off with this pain.  

I didn’t. 

I was helped to the locker room as I was kept off my right knee. I had briefly heard my coach talking about moving me from the starting line up to the bench in case I would be able to play after my knee was looked over. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he should completely change the game plan now. 

Everything started to just mesh together as the trainers checked over my knee. I didn’t even really register the trainers reaching out to schedule an MRI for me tomorrow or as they got a brace fitted onto my knee. I was mostly left alone as I tried to really get a grasp on what all of this meant. 

I hadn’t been surprised by the student trainer who had been left with me, but I wasn’t even sure who it was until I snapped out of my haze. I knew that I could go and sit on the bench to watch the match. I hoped that my team would win, but I had no idea what kind of mindset they could possibly be in after knowing that I already had one knee scare just months ago and now I wasn’t coming back out to play. 

I wondered how long it would take. For the team to forget about me. It seemed to always happen. Even with my own family. I had often been forgotten. 

“Turn it off.” 

I lifted my eyes just enough to meet Catherine’s. 

“The light. Turn it off and leave.” 

Catherine hesitated. 

“Go!” 

I didn’t miss how Catherine jumped, even as I looked away from her. 

But it was enough because the room went dark, and the door shut. After all, I’d have to get used to this feeling soon enough. Being completely by myself. 

They’d get someone else near my age to take my spot. Mallory Pugh. She seemed likely to fill my role. Mal had been seeing call ups ever since the beginning of the year. 

Maybe she wouldn’t take my playing time just yet, but as the team’s baby. Becky and Alyssa could decide they like her more. See more potential in her. Jill probably would as well. Who wants someone who’s broken on the team? 

The United States Women’s National Team was meant to be the best in the world, not for broken athletes. Ultimately that’s what I was now. 

I hadn’t even picked a school to commit to. There was no telling how few would want me now. Scholarships, especially for soccer, were few and no one would want to waste one on a player who had a major injury and might never be the same again. 

I’d be lucky if Stanford or UNC or UCLA would even still want me. Not with all the players that they recruited. I’d be even more replaceable with– 

The lights flicked back on. The clacking of cleats against the floor was a familiar one. It was what really pulled me from my thoughts as my eyes landed on my teammates who were quickly filing into the locker room. I didn’t pay much attention to our coach who was giving the halftime speech, but rather the excited looks that my teammates were sharing. 

“Don’t worry, Jo,” Isabella said as she patted my shoulder when she walked by me. “We’ll get the championship for you.” 

I furrowed my brow in confusion as I watched the rest of the team head back out. I knew that I should go out to support them. It would be expected of me after all. 

I was moved as quickly as I could to change my jersey out to the shirt I had worn to the game today. Once I had finished that, I used the crutches to get out to the field. Catherine was the one to meet me at the end of the tunnel.  

The second half hadn’t started just yet. So, I was greeted with claps and cheers. 

But I didn’t deserve them. There was nothing impressive about hobbling out on crutches. Especially to face the fact that my team was down without me. 

Except they weren’t. 

We were up 2-1. 

I furrowed my brow as I moved to sit on the bench. 

“What happened?” 

I wasn’t even asking anyone in particular. Just in general to the others who were sitting on the bench with me. 

“They opened the scoring, but we’ve been dominating since,” Ellie said. I furrowed my brow. We were the powerhouse we were because of me. Right? “Don’t worry. Jennifer hasn’t done anything this game.” 

That wasn’t what I was worried about. 

If my high school team, who was supposedly only a powerhouse because of me, could win a State Championship without me, then what use would Jill ever have for me again? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Finally got revenge, huh?” Pinoe grinned at me from across the table. It took everything in me to not sink down in my seat. “Bet the only thing to make it sweeter is if you had been able to be on the field today.” 

I didn’t say anything, but I did nod. I didn’t want to alarm my teammates either. They all had enough to worry about without me knowing that they would forget me after long. 

“What are they thinking?” I raised my eyes to meet Alyssa who was sitting across from me. “About your knee. What did the athletic trainers think?” 

“They’re not sure,” I shrugged. “I didn’t hear a pop this time so they’re not sure if I just sprained it. They set up an MRI for me first thing tomorrow.” 

“Are your parents going to go with you?” Becky asked. I shook my head. “Lys and I will take you.” 

Maybe they wouldn’t forget me after all then? Or maybe Becky just wanted to go with so that she could let the coaching staff know how it went. It wasn’t like this MRI would be rushed though. I’d have to wait a week for the results. 

“How bad do you think it is?” 

I deflated in my seat a bit. No one had asked me just yet what I thought about the injury. Sure, I had been asked about the pain and what was the worst, but not what I thought it could be. 

“I don’t think I’ll be going to the Olympics.” 

The whole table went quiet at the admission. I turned my gaze to my plate which still had a piece of pizza on it. I didn’t want to meet anyone’s eyes. 

“Then you’ll get your rest and you’ll be back with us for the Victory Tour after the Olympics,” Kelley said. 

I shook my head at that. I didn’t think that this was going to go away. 

“I don’t think it’s gonna be that easy.” 

The team stayed quiet at that as well. I still refused to meet anyone’s eyes. I knew that these Olympics were meant to be an ushering of a new era. 

“Then we’ll get through it,” Becky said, resting her hand on my thigh. “And when you’re finally cleared to play, we’ll be right here to help you get back to the team.” 

I wasn’t even sure what this team would look like when I was able to come back. We were trying to move forward, so the vets I knew now would be retired and the players in their prime would be the vets. There was no telling what our younger core would look like. More so, there was no telling if I would even be a part of that younger core. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“You guys didn’t have to come with me, you know?” 

Becky and Alyssa both glanced at each other before turning back to me. 

“You deserve to have someone here with you,” Alyssa said softly. 

It was weird. My parents hadn’t come to these kinds of appointments with me since I was able to start driving on my own. But then again, none of my appointments had the possibility of being so serious. 

Maybe they already knew the results of my scans. Maybe it wasn’t actually as bad as I thought. 

My head turned from the two older players when the door opened. 

“Hey, Jo.” 

“Hey, Lance,” I sent the man a small smile. I wasn’t too surprised that he would be the doctor handling my case. “Becky, Alyssa, this is Lance Beck. He’s friends with my older brother, Angus.” 

“We went to high school together,” Lance said. Neither Becky or Alyssa really looked surprised to find that out. “So, your knee.” 

“Yeah.” 

“How long are we looking at her being out?” Becky asked.  I didn’t bother to look at her over my shoulder, but Lance did. “And is it her ACL?” 

“It is,” Lance slowly nodded. He turned his gaze back to me. “I am curious to know how you’ve been playing on it. There’s quite a bit of damage to your ACL. I’d wager you tore it a while back.” 

I lowered my head. I tore it during the CONCACAF Tournament then. 

“Back in February,” Becky spoke up.  

“Have you had trouble walking on it?” Lance asked. I didn’t answer as I knew how upset Becky and Alyssa would be with me. “Jo?” 

“I mean, it hurt, but I just thought I needed to rest it. I figured it’d be fine. We’ve all had days where we couldn’t walk on a knee. It comes with being an athlete at our level.” 

The room went completely silent at that. 

“You’ve had days where you couldn’t walk on it?” Becky was next to me in an instant. I didn’t get the choice to look away from her as her hand rested on my cheek and kept my head facing her. “Jo, be honest. What do you mean you’ve had days where you couldn’t walk on it?” 

I sighed as my eyes flicked to where Alyssa was standing behind Becky now. 

“There have been times where it just... crumbled out from under me,” I shrugged. I wasn’t entirely sure how to describe it. “Sometimes I plant it wrong, other times it’s just like my knee can’t hold up any weight at all. I can’t put any kind of weight on it for at least a day.” 

“How often has this been happening?” 

I was able to move my head just enough to look at Lance. I gave him a small shrug. 

“It hasn’t happened since last camp.” 

“It happened at camp?” 

My eyes darted back to Alyssa. I tried to shrink back, but with Becky’s hand still on my cheek I wasn’t able to. I knew Alyssa wouldn’t be happy about that since it had been the first time I roomed with her. 

“Jo, did your knee give out on you while you were at camp?” Alyssa asked. 

I hesitated but nodded after a moment. 

“It was on an off day. I didn’t want anyone to worry,” I rushed to get out as Alyssa ran a hand through her hair. “I didn’t think it was a big deal. The scans had come back clear, and the Olympics are this year. Jill wants to move to a newer era and get me more involved. I didn’t want to risk that.” 

“Okay,” Lance said as he stood up. Becky looked at him before letting go of me. Lance took a few steps to move in front of me. “I understand why you didn’t tell anyone, Jo, but you could have made your injury a lot worse. If you want to play professionally, you’re going to have to learn to talk whenever something feels off or there’s pain. You could have ended up with a chronic ACL deficiency and I wouldn’t be able to fully fix that.” 

“So, what are the next steps?” 

Lance glanced to Alyssa over his shoulder. When Lance turned back to me, he gave me a small smile before patting my leg just above my good knee.  

“We’re gonna get Jo fixed up. I’m pretty confident that we’ll only need one surgery to fix her ACL,” Lance finally said. I sighed as I rubbed the back of my neck. “After that, you’ll rest for a week and come see me. We’ll get an idea about the kind of pain you’re still in and then decide if you need another week of rest or if we can begin rehab. The PTs will stay in contact with me, and we’ll decide if you might need another surgery or not. So, please, Jo, be honest with them about the pain you’re in.” 

“What happens if I need a second surgery?” 

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” 

“We can schedule the surgery today?” Becky asked. Lance looked over his shoulder at her. “Even without her parents here?” 

Lance nodded. 

“Scheduling it won’t matter. I’ll let your parents know that at least one of them needs to be there. Just stay off your knee until then.” 

“We’ll schedule it,” Alyssa said as she stepped forward. “And then we’re gonna have a serious talk with Jo about telling people when you’re injured.” 

I just followed the two through the office before we stopped at the desk to check out. I didn’t pay much attention to when the surgery was being set up other than agreeing to the earliest time as possible. 

Neither of them said anything as we made our way to the car. It wasn’t even until we were all inside and buckled up. 

“Are you seri–” 

“Why do you care?” I cut Becky off. She turned to look at me with her eyebrows raised. “Give it a few weeks and no one will. Not parents. Not my siblings. Not Jill. And I’m sure you two will follow suit. That’s how it’s always been.” 

The two stayed silent. 

“Everyone eventually stops caring, so just go ahead and stop pretending. It’ll be easier on me if we just stop now.” 

“You really think we don’t care?” Alyssa turned to look back at me this time. “Jo, if we didn’t care, we wouldn’t have come with you to the MRI scan. We wouldn’t be here today. We came to support you. Because you shouldn’t be alone to get those kinds of results.” 

“So, you could tell Jill,” I cut in. Alyssa sighed as she shook her head. “You know I’m right. You’ll drop me off at home and then Becky’s going to call Jill to let her know.” 

“I’m going to call Jill to tell her so that you don’t have to. Would you rather have to do that yourself? Tell her you can’t go to the Olympics? Or I can do it for you.” 

I huffed but looked away from Becky. 

“Jo, we both care about you. That’s not going to change. We might not be able to be here for you all the time, but we’ll check in. We’ll call. That won’t change,” Becky said. I didn’t look at her, even when she put her hand on my knee. “Jo, you might not believe, but we do care. We’ll both be here for the surgery, and, after that, we’ll call at least every week, if not more.” 

I scoffed at that. I was sure that they would. 

[creamyavocadosoup]

𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐞

a/n: lowercase intended! been in an anime binge lately and am currently watching horimiya. its great honestly, it makes me feel so mushy bc me when !! but also i can kinda relate. sorry this wasnt proofread! if there are any mistakes lmk ;-;

characters: rtte!hiccup x fem!reader

tags: kinda angsty, unrequited (?) pining, intimate touches and moment (nothing nsfw)

word count: 1.5k

if you missed it, here's part one: can i be her?

the road to recovery was slow, and the mending of hiccup and i's relationship even slower. although i had forgiven him, there was an undeniable shift in how i acted towards him, whether it was intentional or not.

i had felt guilty about it, of course, but i couldn't force myself to go back to the way things were and pretend nothing had happened. even more so when i could tell that hiccup and the other riders picked up on it too.

after that incident however, something else had also changed. as subtle as it was (or tried to be), hiccup had begun doing things out of his own volition. small things like the soil in my garden being damp when i wake up, my medicine cabinets tidied and arranged how i liked it after a nap, or even my hut being spick and span, a still-hot plate of food awaiting me on my bedside table when i wake up.

it was strange to be on the receiving end of such actions. i had gotten used to helping the riders more than i had received it in return. so having hiccup do so much for me just because, induced emotions in me that i'm still quite unsure in how to handle.

today was spent patching up the riders after a grueling training session and a few accidents (mostly snotlout) and we make conversation as they tell me the new things they've discovered when they went adventuring a few days ago.

my huge cut had - thankfully - been steadily healing, the riders taking turns in making sure i wasn't doing tasks i wasn't supposed to. a few weeks since the incident and i could finally start walking around my hut with much, much caution.

taking this opportune moment of reprieve, i'm currently sat at my front porch, admiring the view of the sea and horizon off in the distance. i sipped quietly on my drink while wrapped in a blanket, the birds chirping and soft swaying of the trees my only company.

...that is until strong gusts of wind caused by a familiar midnight black dragon landed on my front yard, along with his ever-familiar rider in tow.

"[name]! i come bearing new entries to my journal, along with snacks of course."

right. ever since my injury, hiccup had made it some sort of tradition to come and talk to me about things he discovered while out on adventures or simply reading up and researching on subjects he thinks would interest me.

he reasoned it as him hoping i wouldn't feel too lonely even though the other riders visiting routinely (which i soon figured out was coordinated by hiccup thanks to a slip of the tongue from tuffnut) had given me plenty of company since then.

hiccup took his seat beside me on the porch swing, making himself comfortable. offering the other half of my blanket and he takes it with a smile, scooting closer to me.

initially, i seemingly wasn't quite receptive of this tradition he had started; lack of responses, barely any indication that i was interested in whatever he was talking about. but the dragon rider hadn't exactly let it affect him whatsoever. he continued coming regularly, and talking enough for the both of us.

"hiccup." i spoke, softly and quite mellow, but it had stopped his rant completely as he turned to look at me.

i raised my head to look back at him, my eyes slowly dragging over his features. sweat beaded faintly across his brows as he also searched my face of any indication of emotion. he gulped, the action quite apparent, "yes?"

"are you doing all this because you feel guilty?" i questioned, my voice devoid of any accusatory tone, yet it made him flinch slightly in his seat. "if you are, then you shouldn't be, because i already forgive you."

he pursed his lips and brows furrowed as he continued to keep his eyes on me, clearly displeased despite my words. i felt a warmth slowly settle on my hand, looking down to find his hand grabbing onto mine.

my heart beat quickened, a soft yet steady heat creeping up onto my cheeks. for a moment, it had felt like we were suspended in time, the universe letting us have this moment that we've needed.

"even if you have forgiven me," he paused, his body turning to me and gripping my hand tighter, "i can't." he whispered, a soft tremble in his voice as i watched his eyes gloss over.

"i'm sorry. i'm so sorry." he almost weeps, his voice crackly and tears turning his eyes glossy. "i shouldn't have talked to you like that. been so - so caught up in my emotion that i just had zero regard for how you were feeling to how i was saying it." his voice shakes slightly, and my heart crumpled at the emotion.

gently setting aside my drink, i reached to hold his hands with both of mine, softly rubbing my thumb along the natural contours of the back of it. my throat felt tight, that same burning feeling in my eyes coming back, but i steeled myself and my voice to be able to say what i needed to.

"hiccup.. i understand, i really do." my voice had felt so fragile, like glass, about to break if more pressure is applied to it. "in the time i've spent by myself these past few weeks, i've come to a certain understanding and acceptance to the situation. and it's okay," i squeezed his hands, "i'm okay."

he subtly shakes his head no, one of his hands breaking free from mine and drifting to my wounded abdomen, past the hem and underneath my shirt. hiccup was quiet but his touch spoke more than his words tried to convey. my breath hitched at the action as he continued with his ministrations, yet his expression more spaced-out. i'm not sure what it was exactly, but i could tell he was heavily contemplating something in his head.

despite the gauze barrier, i could feel the heat of him emanating through it. it allowed that familiar warmth to bloom in my chest once again, the same warmth that only he seems to be the cause of. it had felt entirely too intimate to consider it as something friends do which only raised so many more questions and confusion in my head.

this wasn't normal for friends, right? is this something he normally does with the others?

i gulped down the lump in my throat, the thought of him doing the same thing to a certain blonde-haired viking setting an uncomfortable feeling in my gut.

before i could voice out any of my thoughts however, my eyes widened and cheeks warmed considerably once i felt his touch travel to my cheek. it was soft, almost feather-like, and comforting. his eyes glowed beautifully, the orange sunset reflecting onto his green eyes, effectively enchanting me with how beautiful it looked.

he kept his eyes on me, seemingly waiting on a sign on how i felt about the current predicament. seeing no protests from me, he continued on, now essentially cupping my face with both of his hands, his piercing eyes never leaving my face, flitting between my eyes and lips.

"hiccup..."

"hiccup!" a familiar voice cut through the silence and the trees, dispelling the intimate moment in an instant. i hurriedly moved away from his clutches, picking up my forgotten drink, as hiccup nervously fixes his hair and clothes.

astrid appears on the path in front of my hut, lax features and usual demeanor indicating that she didn't see whatever just happened between hiccup and i. "there you are. figured you would be here." she spoke, walking closer towards my porch.

hiccup laughed, notably a little more breathless than when he normally is, yet astrid doesn't bat an eye or pick up on it. admittedly, i spaced out as she rambled on, the scene before still playing over and over in my head.

hiccup's soft touches was still practically branded onto my skin, with how i could still feel the heat of his touch despite him being on the other side of the seat we were on. his actions had only made me more confused, swirling thoughts trying to reason why he did what he did yet none of them made sense.

what was that? was he...

i shook away the thoughts as i come back to consciousness back in time. "[name], i hope you don't mind that i'll be taking this guy with me for a little bit. i need his help on a few things regarding training." she spoke.

i nodded, plastering a small smile on my face but i turn to look at hiccup, silently torn on wanting him to go or letting him leave. his gaze was on me, searching my face but perhaps my features weren't translating my desire well, because he turns to astrid and smiles, "we can go, we were just finishing up anyways."

my heart cracks just a tiny bit, that same feeling that i felt a few weeks ago leaking through the cracks of my resolve little by little. but i force the smile back on my face, standing up to bring my drink back inside, the atmosphere now leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

they gather their things and leave side-by-side, and i also turn and huddle back into my hut, missing the longing look hiccup held to my disappearing figure.

DO NOT REPOST MY CONTENT ANYWHERE! i would love to hear any and all thoughts. mwah! have a great day!

quick access to my library.

[lucy90712]

could you maybe write something about meeting gavi at a party but him being shy and you try to talk to him and ask his number then he messages you and takes you on a date

For my entire life I struggled making friends until I moved to Barcelona for uni, somehow I made a few friends who then introduced me to their wider friend group now I'm just part of the group. I'm definitely the odd one out in the group though they all like to go out or host parties while I'd much prefer to hang out with a few people at a time watching a movie or something but I always go along with what they do to get out my comfort zone. As much as I'm definitely the shy one of the group one of the guys I can tell would rather not be at the parties sometimes. Pablo and I have created some sort of weird bond we sometimes just sit quietly together out the way during group parties but we never really speak. Of course we've said a few words to each other but we usually just sit not saying anything which sometimes is just what I want.

My biggest problem is I've developed a bit of a crush on Pablo well more than a bit. Pablo has always been nice to me he's never questioned why I need to get away from the group sometimes  and he's never made fun of me for getting nervous around lots of new people. As much as Pablo doesn't join in with the rest of the group in making fun of me there is no way on earth he would ever like me back. As much as he sometimes will sit quietly with me he still gets involved with the group most of the time and not to mention he's a famous footballer so he could have probably any girl in Barcelona and probably Spain so there's no way he'd like me. 

For a few weeks now my closest friends have been trying to convince me to tell Pablo how I feel but I have dug my heels in and said that I can't. I think I'd honestly have a breakdown if I tried to confess my feelings to Pablo I've never had a boyfriend before and definitely never told anyone I like them. I'm sure that if I tried to say it my words would fail me or I'd chicken out before I could say it. My friends have tried to encourage me and get me to practice what I'd say and I can do it with them but I know I could never say it in front of anyone else.

Tonight there is a party at one of the guys houses and I just know that my friends are going to expect me to confess which is one of the many reasons I don't want to go but I know I have to as it's supposed to be a birthday party. The girls made me go shopping with them yesterday so they could get me to buy a new dress for tonight which is a cute dress and I feel good in it but I don't think it's going to completely change my personality and give me the confidence I need to talk to Pablo. I got myself all ready and I looked cute but I still felt just as nervous about this party and I thought about just not going but my friends arrived to pick me up before I could text them to say I wasn't going.

We arrived and within seconds my friends had disappeared so I made my way to a quiet corner of the party and sat on my phone looking up every now and then to see what was going on. Everyone was taking, dancing and drinking while I sat with my water in a red cup to make it look like I was drinking so I fit in. After a while I noticed Pablo was sat alone across the room from me and I thought about what my friends said and decided that if I just go over and try and talk to him nothing can go too wrong. I took a minute to build some confidence but when I did I walked over and sat on the sofa he was sitting on but left a bit of a distance between us. 

"Hi" I said so quietly it was just above a whisper 

"Hi" he replied clearly having just heard me 

"How have you been?" Pablo asked 

"I've been good how's your recovery been?" I asked 

"It's going well I'm getting closer to coming back" he said 

The conversation fizzled out after that and we went back to silence. There was no silence in my head though as I kept thinking should I tell him how I feel should I take my friends advice and risk losing the friendship with the one guy in the group who seems to actually get me. It's a really hard decision to make as I don't want to lose our friendship but I also don't want to hide my feelings anymore because what if we could really be something and if I don't say something I'll never know. All the what ifs eat away at me every night and they will continue to do so until I get an answer which I think means I just have to say it. 

"Pablo" I said to get his attention 

"Yeah" he replied 

"I like you as in more than a friend and have done for a while I get if you don't feel the same but I have to tell you" I admitted 

I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't for him to just smile at me and say nothing. That hurt more than rejection him saying nothing made me regret my decision to tell him more than anything as clearly he didn't feel at all the same and didn't expect me to say that. After a few more seconds I couldn't sit there any longer as I could feel tears beginning to fall and I didn't want him or anyone else to see my cry. I just made it outside before the tears began flowing and I couldn't stop them. I don't know if the tears were from sadness at the rejection or anger at myself for ever thinking Pablo would actually feel the same way I do. As I came here with my friends I didn't have a way to get home so I just sat on the side of the road crying until my taxi arrived. 

Once I got back home all I wanted was to curl up and cry in bed but I knew I had to get changed so I did but that only made me more upset as in my wardrobe I have Barcelona shirts and a hoodie which Pablo gave me one night a few months back when the group were out late and I got cold. I kept the hoodie as he told me I didn't need to give it back and it was comfortable but now I just want to burn it and forget that I ever knew Pablo. Even the pictures I have of everyone together were haunting me as somehow they seem to be everywhere I turn and the first person I noticed was Pablo every time. 

Eventually I got into bed but I couldn't get any sleep as I kept seeing my phone light up from my bedside table. It got too hard to ignore so I decided just to pick up my phone to make sure nothing bad was happening as I got in my head. Most of the texts were from my friends asking where I went and if I was ok so I told them I went home but nothing else. Then I noticed that I had a text from Pablo which I debated looking at because I don't think I can deal with him rejecting me any more than he already has. Curiosity took over though and I read the message. 

Pablo 

Hey y/n I'm so sorry if I made you feel bad earlier. What you said took me by surprise and I didn't know what to say but I've thought about it and now I have the right words to say if you are willing to listen. I really like you too and have for a while I never expected you to feel the same so I never made a move and I’m sorry I didn't take the chance to tell you while you were in front of me. If you still feel the same and can forgive me for being an idiot I'd love to go on a date with you.

Y/n 

I'd still love to go on a date with you

Pablo

Does tomorrow work for you I can pick you up and we can go back to my place 

Y/n 

That sounds great see you tomorrow x

~~~~~~~~~~

Pablo's confession surprised me but I know he wouldn't lie to me just to make me feel better so I agreed to go on a date with him. He text this morning with what time he was coming to pick me up so I got ready and then had to just wait. He showed up right on time and greeted me with a smile and opened the passenger door of his car for me so I could get in the car then did the same when we arrived at his place. After we went inside things were a little awkward but after we got over that and got into a conversation things felt a lot more natural. 

Of course we have known each other for while and had conversations before but there's still a lot we don't know about each other so we spent a good few hours just talking and getting to know more about each other. Both of us clearly felt a lot more comfortable around just each other when there wasn't a big group around us, conversation flowed freely and we both joked and laughed with each other which I never really do with the rest of our friends. Pablo must've felt a lot more confident because as we were talking he grabbed hold of my hand and just held it. My cheeks were definitely bright red after he did that but I liked the feeling of him holding tightly onto my hand. 

After a while of just talking to each other Pablo ordered us some food and when it arrived he let me pick a movie for us to watch. I picked a movie that I've watched a load of times but it's one of my favourites which when Pablo came back said was also one of his favourites so that's another thing we have in common along with all the others things we discovered today. We ate and watched the first movie but that ended far too quickly so Pablo picked another one for us to watch. His hand held mine again for a little while before he moved closer to me and looked at me for permission before putting his arm around my waist. I settled into his side and rested my head on his shoulder which was really comfortable. 

During the second movie we both sometime moved so that we were both laying down and cuddling my head was on his chest and his arms were wrapped around me. I could've fallen asleep in that position and probably would've if the movie didn't end and we realised that it had gotten late so I should go back home. My last bus had already left so instead of getting a taxi Pablo insisted on driving me back which I wasn't going to argue with. It didn't take long to get back to my place which meant leaving each other, in the car we already planned a second date but I still didn't want to say goodbye. 

"Thanks for today I've had the best time" I said 

"Me too I'm so glad you don't hate me after what I did yesterday I still feel bad about that" he said 

"It's ok I get it I kind of sprung it on you" I said 

"Can I kiss you?" Pablo asked 

"Yeah of course" I replied 

With that he put a hand on my cheek and pulled me in until our lips met. I've only ever kissed one guy before and that was a few years ago now but I don't remember it feeling anywhere near as magical as this kiss. It just felt so perfect his lips on mine made me feel like there was fireworks going off in my body. Eventually we both had to pull away but I could tell that he enjoyed it too by the big smile on his face. He pecked my lips one more time before saying goodbye leaving me standing behind my door with the biggest smile on my face and sending an excited text to my friends to tell them what happened as they all have no idea that I finally got what I've been thinking about for ages. 

[azzifudd]

was able to get through the paywall!☺️

WEST SPRINGFIELD — When UConn women’s basketball player Azzi Fudd first tore her right anterior cruciate ligament in the summer of 2019, she struggled through the physical and mental toll she faced during her recovery.

Despite the pain she endured to get back onto the court - or maybe because of that experience - Fudd remembers barely being fazed when she tore her right ACL for a second time.

“My reaction shocked me,” Fudd said on Saturday at Hooplandia. “I thought for sure I would just cry. The first time I was a mess, I cried, I was so sad. (But) when it happened this time, I felt like I kind of knew.

“I’ve been working the last few years on the mental side of the game, working on my mindset, my confidence, my self-talk... so I was like ‘Ok, I’ve been through this before, I know how big the mental aspect is - what am I going to do to help myself get through it this time and handle it a lot better than I did in high school’ because I didn’t handle it well. So when it happened (again), I was really upset, but I didn’t let myself go down that rabbit hole of what could’ve been if I was healthy.”

But even her stronger mental approach could not lessen the most difficult factor of recovery: the wait.

“Surgery was fine, all that was fine. It’s harder halfway through the season when I’ve been sitting through games, I’ve been cheering, I’ve been positive,” Fudd said. “And then it hits you, like, 10 games of just sitting on the bench cheering (and realizing) ‘I still have so many more games to sit here and cheer and still not play/’

“It’s definitely really tough, (the wait is) one of the harder things that people don’t talk about.”

Fudd stressed how important her physical rehabilitation process was in helping her regain trust in her body.

“Do your rehab, it’s so important,” Fudd said.

“I lived, ate, breathed my rehab and when it was time to come back, everyone was like, ‘Did you have doubts, did you think you were going to tear it again’, I didn’t have any doubts... because I knew all the hard work that I put in (during) my rehab process so I knew how strong my leg was, I knew what I was capable of doing because I did so much to prepare myself.”

Basketball was the driving force behind Fudd’s determination during this process and finding that reason can make all the difference.

“At the end of the day, I love basketball and that’s what I wanted to keep doing, that was my purpose behind my rehab,” Fudd said. “Some people, they might be done playing basketball, but they still want to rehab, whether it’s to play a different sport, to be a singer, to be a dancer - you’re still rehabbing for a reason. Remember what that reason is, it doesn’t have to be basketball anymore, it can be something else, but just find that reason and keep going.”

Thank you!!

Aww Azzi, it sucks obviously that she had to go through it again, but it seems like she knew her mentality had to be and was going to be different this time around. She let herself be upset, but not to the point where she spiraled about 'what could've been.' Which is what she said at that summit a few months ago too. 100% makes sense that just sitting and waiting to play again was one of the hardest parts, Paige struggled with that too. Even when you're trying to be positive and cheer for your teammates. I hope she's really able to come back confident in her body. You really gotta be a different breed mentally to be a pro athlete and not just wanna quit lol

[scoonsalicious]

Unwanted: Chapter 26, Unsurprising - Pt. 4

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader

Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, mentions of miscarriage, mentions of sex, violence.

Word Count: 894

Previously On...: Bucky rejected your sexual advances, but Nat texted you, so at least you have that going for you.

A/N: ANSWER TIME

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917!

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

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You stabbed your finger on the button to dial Nat’s number, the brevity of her texting style leaving you with more questions than answers. You were terrified it was going to go to voicemail before she finally picked up.

“‘Bout time,” Nat answered instead of a greeting. “How long did it take before you and Barnes got naked again? I’ve got money riding on it.”

“Jesus Christ, Nat,” you said, not wanting to waste time playing this game. “We didn’t, okay? Now tell me what the hell’s going on!”

“I told you in the texts,” she said, “and if you’d bothered to reply, I’d have answered any questions you may have had.”

You didn’t respond to that, waiting for Natasha get over your lack of response and start talking. “Fine,” she eventually capitulated. “Sam called Steve, told him about A.J., who is going to be okay, by the way– just a long recovery; and how he needed to go home. He said he didn’t want to leave you, and asked Steve to send down coverage.”

“Yeah, I knew that already,” you said, though you were relieved to hear the news about A.J.. “What else?”

“Well, obviously Barnes volunteered,” she said, as if it was the most logical thing in the world, “but Steve wasn’t having it, because he didn’t want to spring Barnes on you without clearing it with you first.” 

“That was thoughtful of him,” you said.

“Hmm,” said Nat cryptically. “Anyway, I was going to come down, myself. Sun and surf and stripping with my best friend? Sounded like a fucking vacation.”

“Natasha,” you warned, urging her to stick to the point. 

She sighed. “Yeah, okay. So, Bucky gets a call from a SHIELD med facility out in Wilmington, Fucking Delaware, of all places.” Nat paused, waiting for you to speak. When you didn’t, she asked: “Care to explain what that was all about, Pocket?”

“Not at this exact moment, Natty,” you said, truly not wanting to get into your surprise pregnancy/miscarriage two-for-one evening. 

You could practically hear Nat’s eyes roll in annoyance at you through the phone– she despised not knowing things, which was what made her such a damned good spy. “Fine. Carthage finds out Bucky’s taken off, and when she asks where he went, Steve tells her he went to be with you, that you needed him. Pocket, this girl fucking flipped her shit. Like, I half expected her to turn green and start growing through her clothes. I’ve never seen anything like it that didn’t involve Bruce Hulking-out,” she told you.

“She was screaming how it wasn’t fair, had some choice words to say about you, which I won’t repeat, because I’m your friend, by the way, then starts talking about how ‘it wasn’t supposed to be this way,’ and ‘this wasn’t what she was promised.’ It was weird. Just… fucking weird. 

“Steve tried to calm her down,” she continued, “but she wasn’t having any of it. Kept saying he ‘didn’t understand,’ and how now she was ‘gonna die,’ and it was all your fault. Steve tried to restrain her, but she clocked him. He needed to call in Thor to help wrangle her. They got her sedated and put her in her room, but when Cho went to check on her a few hours later, she was just… gone. Ransacked her room, punched holes in the walls, packed up all her shit.”

“Jesus Christ,” you murmured. “Nat, this is absolutely beyond. I mean, it’s more than a crush, it’s a fucking obsession.”

“Tell me about it,” Nat agreed. “She left behind her Stark phone, her coms, and her tracking device. Steve and Tony made the decision to list her as AWOL, and they’ve got SHIELD crawling around like ants looking for her, but there’s been no sign of her since.”

You took a shaking breath. “That’s a hell of a lot to take in, Nat.”

“Oh, sweetie,” she said, and you could hear the smirk in her voice, “that’s not even the best part.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“You have no idea.”

“Out with it, Natalia, I swear!”

Your friend scoffed. “You’re no fun, but fine. You remember our little conversation with Sam, right? After she fucked up the Malaysia mission?”

“Where he said he thought she set them up, yeah.” You remembered, alright, though it felt so long ago now. “And I checked the Tower’s systems; she hadn’t accessed anything she shouldn’t have.”

“Except for Bucky’s files,” Nat clarified to remind you.

“Except for Bucky’s files,” you agreed, not understanding where she was going with this.

“You know how my part was to reach out to my old KGB contacts, see what I could find out from them?” Nat asked, and you grunted in affirmation. 

“Well,” she continued, “I just heard back, not long after I started texting you. Turns out, our BFF didn’t escape from a Hydra base.”

You felt a cold chill go down your spine. “What are you saying, Nat?”

“I’m saying I was given some very interesting security footage,” Nat continued. “Carthage never escaped Hydra, because they willingly let her out.” You let out a shocked gasp, and Nat paused for dramatic effect, making you want to reach through the phone and shake her. “They let her out,” she continued, “with an objective: to bring home the Winter Soldier.”

<- Previous Part / Next Part ->

[queerprayers]

any tips/advice for someone who is not catholic who wants to participate in lent? like how to choose what to give up etc?

Cheers to not letting Catholics have a monopoly on Lent, beloved! Last year I answered a similar ask that might be helpful. Here are the thoughts I have right now!

[CW: discussion of eating/fasting in italics] My most important note/disclaimer: Fasting is not for everyone. It is a beautiful tradition (for Catholics and non-Catholics) that can change people's lives, but if it's going to be a part of your practice, do it on purpose, knowing yourself. It inherently changes your relationship with food--and for people who have always had enough to eat, who have never struggled with disordered eating, who have never been seriously ill, there can be a solidarity and new perspective in fasting, in realizing how sensory experiences and comfort and mortality go together, how privileged you are to have the choice to go hungry. But for those who have struggled with food insecurity, or have lived through/live with eating disorders/disability/illness, or any other experience/relationship with food/the body that changes your perspective, fasting will often be a re-traumatizing or triggering practice that doesn't change your perspective so much as reinforce unhealthy ones. Something I think about: why fast if you cannot feast? Lenten fasting brings us to Easter feasting--if that's not accessible to you, if that wouldn't be joyful or affordable or healthy, fasting probably isn't either. Okay, all that said:

There is so much diversity in what a Lenten practice can look like, and I can't tell you what will be most meaningful for you, but I'll give you some ideas and some questions that have been helpful for me to ask myself! Lent existed way before the Catholic/Protestant divide, and exists among so many diverse communities, and there is a path here for you if you want one.

"Giving up something" is the most common language used for Lent--fasting technically refers to anything abstained from--and generally that's really useful! Jesus's forty days in the wilderness was time that he had nothing but God, and during Lent we can get closer to that experience. I give things up not as punishment or a test of self-control (those ideas trigger unhealthy behavior patterns for me), but as a letting go of something that is in my life but doesn't need to be, and may deserve reconsidering. Sometimes it's a bad habit, but sometimes it's just a conscious allowing of my life to grow simultaneously smaller and bigger. There is space for grief during Lent, but we're not just making ourselves feel bad--I've never found forced emotions to be spiritually helpful. Emotions come and go--we're doing this on purpose, and whatever we feel about it, we make space for that.

Ideas of things to give up:

eating out/getting coffee/buying drinks/little treats

impulse buying/nonessentials (you could pick a category, like clothes, or go all out)

alcohol/drugs/smoking (if this would be starting a recovery journey, I am not the person to ask for advice on that but please do seek help)

social media (you could choose one app to give up, or set time limits--it doesn't have to be all or nothing)

scrolling-on-your-phone time before bed/another time when you get sucked in

another form of casual entertainment (like TV/video games--again, you can limit this rather than cutting it out)

sexual activity (I talked about this here)

makeup/other appearance-related thing (I must confess I have considered doing this and always chickened out. I know that's because it would force me to rethink too many things, which is a probably a sign I should do it one of these years.)

a social habit, like gossiping or getting into arguments online

overscheduling/not having rest days (this is often unavoidable, but rest is necessary and holy, and perhaps this is the season for sacrifice in honor of rest)

single-use plastics/another environmental choice

Note: I don't think any of these things are inherently bad things. This is a list of things we can change/investigate our relationship with or have a season without them as a distraction, not things I think we shouldn't be doing or we should feel bad about.

One of the most important things I've realized is that so often I have given something up and not done anything about it. Like I didn't watch TV for forty days and was mad about it and then Lent was over and I watched TV again. Perhaps this strengthened my self-discipline, or made my life better in a way known only to God, but ultimately nothing happened. I didn't consciously do anything else, I didn't learn anything.

Now, when I give up something, I purposely do something with whatever space it leaves. If I'm not watching TV, what am I going to do when I would usually watch TV? Am I gonna pray? go to bed earlier? call my grandmother? Am I gonna cancel my Netflix subscription for a couple months and donate that saved money? Or maybe I'm gonna give up watching mindless TV, and find stories that resonate and make me think. Don't give things up to check a box, but to reexamine your relationship with them, make everyday things sacred, fill the space/time/money/energy you now have with God, and ultimately to set this time apart.

The other way of looking at Lent practices is things you can add. Often, as I mentioned, they go together--you can pair up something you're no longer buying with somewhere to donate to, or give up an activity and replace it with a new one. I always caution against Lent-as-self-improvement--obviously I can support improving our habits, but I've seen too many people use Lent to restart their new year's workout plans, and while exercise can be a way to care for ourselves, if new year's and Lent are treated the exact same way, what's different about this season? What makes this Lent?

One of the questions I've been asking myself recently is: What are you gonna do about it? When I'm investigating a belief, or learning something new, or reframing an old thought process, I ask myself: What am I gonna do about it? Lent is a path to Holy Week--something I and many others commemorate as the week when God was put on trial and literally killed. I genuinely believe God died and was resurrected--how does this affect my life? Believing something like that and not letting it change you is, to me, inauthentic. When I'm considering a belief, I think, if this were true, how would it change me? Would it lead me to Love? Lent (and Christianity itself) over and over asks us to do something about what we say we believe. Faith without works is dead--and faith is a work, something I do.

It's almost Lent, which is preparation for the Resurrection, which fundamentally changes our understanding of what it means to be alive--so what are you gonna do about it? Not because doing something will make God love you more or make you a "better person," or even because you'll succeed or change your life, but because how can we not? We are of course welcome at Easter having done nothing, but I can't imagine knowing what's coming and not letting it change me.

Ideas of things to add to our lives:

start a prayer/Bible routine--I can now wholeheartedly recommend (as a Protestant who connects with ancient traditions but not always Catholicism) Phyllis Tickle's Divine Hours books! For Bible study, I like The Bible Project's videos.

read a book--it can be anything that connects you with God! (I had a lovely experience with Lenten Lord of the Rings last year, and this year I'm properly going through the Quran)

pick a subject to research (theological or anything else)

start to attend worship services or commit to attending more--this could include going to several different places if you don't currently belong to a church

research places to volunteer for or donate to

do something politically active, like calling your representatives, researching the next local election, or attending a protest

donate to the next [insert number here] posts you see online requesting mutual aid

start a physical practice like taking a walk or stretching

write a letter or call someone regularly, especially with people you've been wanting to connect with more or have unresolved conflict with

start/commit to more regular therapy/other health treatment

ask for help--maybe you're the one who needs mutual aid, or reaching out to, or support cleaning your house or with your kids. there is no shame in this.

These are all obviously things we can be doing year round, and certainly we can use Lent as a season to start something we want to keep with us! I'd also encourage us to have something that's only present during Lent, or something that we do more or in a different way.

You asked how to choose, and I don't have a one sentence answer to that (...obviously), but perhaps in these days before Lent you can look at your routine/habits, the places where God is present, the things you do to distract yourself from life (not a crime--just something to be mindful of), and you can see where Lent might be able to come in and change you. The thing that's nagging at you that you know might be helpful, the thing you're not in control of and just do, the time you take up or the money you spend that might not be bad but also doesn't lead you anywhere. We can't expect every aspect of our lives to be purposeful and present, or to be continuously improving ourselves (in fact, that sounds terribly stressful and unsustainable)--but we can look around us. We can have a season that looks different because everyone I've ever known has a brain that craves ritual in some way--and either we do it on purpose, or we fall into it. Do something (or don't do something) a little more on purpose this season.

Another think to think about is what Sundays will look like for you--the "forty days" don't count them. There's no fasting on Sundays--my mom says every Sunday is a little Easter. "Sundays in Lent" is such an interesting concept because it's very much Lent, but the rhythm of our weeks breaks through. When I give up soda, I'll have one as a celebration on Sundays, but a prayer/reading practice I'll continue through. It's up to you and depends on what your rhythm/habits ask of you.

Ultimately, let God interrupt you. Let Them seep in the cracks of everything you do and let go of. To be loved is to be changed. Even the smallest thing--like wearing a cross necklace every day--can cause our lives to be filled with noticing God's presence. I keep saying to do this on purpose, but know that I find Them much more often by accident.

And an obligatory note: starting Lent late, stopping your practice halfway through, not meeting a goal, whatever comes up--Easter still comes for you. Lent is for paying attention, for making space, not for perfection.

I also want to add that while a lot of Lenten practices (including most I've mentioned here) tend to be personal, ultimately what is asked of us is interpersonal. We make space in our life and be more present in the name of Love--which we cannot do alone. If a practice is not specifically about other people (like volunteering/donating), ask yourself how it will serve the ways you love others? This isn't a trick question, just something to think about. Personally, my study of the Quran this season will connect me with my Muslim siblings through time and enable me to more fully love the Muslims around me, and my rhythm of the divine hours will connect me with the wider Christian community and center me as I go about my day, allowing me to be more present in my relationships.

Easter comes whether we're ready or not--and I don't think we can be ready. But we can look at the small parts of ourselves, set this time apart, see what we can change our relationship with, and perhaps when Easter comes, we will every year have come that much closer to understanding what it means to live out the resurrection by honoring the death that came first.

Wishing you a blessed almost-Lent, and praying for you and your practice (as well as all those reading this)!

<3 Johanna

[callmelittlebuttercup]

Peace Offerings Pt. 12

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader

Chapter Summary: Reader is tired of the slowness of recovery and decides to venture to the mess hall. There, she learns that she’s been lied to about where her brother is. Reader confronts Joel and forces him to tell her the truth, resulting in them leaving the safety of Jackson to find Matthew and his group.

Series Warnings: Extreme slow burn, Age gap (reader is 34, Joel is 56), 18+ Minors DNI, Sexual Themes, Violence, Injuries (depictions of blood, bruising, broken bones), Cursing, Grumpy!Joel, Minimal depictions of reader's appearance (hair color/length.)

Chapter Warnings: Jackson AU, Lying/Manipulation, Crying

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part Twelve

The next few days were filled with laying in bed, sleeping, and eating. Despite the fact that he reassured me every time that it wasn’t too much for me to stay with him, I felt like a burden. I hated the fact that I had very little independence. I couldn’t go up the stairs by myself or stand for too long because of vertigo. The only things I could do were make my own food, go on small walks around town, listen to the radio for short periods of time, and take baths. It was a fruitless, repetitive life, but I was only going to be stuck in it for one more week according to Joel’s makeshift calendar. 

          My brother had been gone for two weeks. Joel kept saying “Don’t worry, extended missions take anywhere from two to five weeks.” But something didn’t feel right. The way that Matthew never told me he was leaving, the vague explanation I got at the infirmary. They didn’t want me to know what was really happening. They didn’t want me to worry. 

         One morning, I decided I was tired of the gruel Joel would cook up on the stove. “Where are you going?” He asked as he watched me shrug my coat on. “Was just going to the mess hall to see what they had to eat.” I answered casually. He began to peel himself off of the couch and walk towards the door. “I can go by myself.” I said in a soft tone. He paused as he pulled his other boot on, “You sure?” I nodded, “Yeah. I’m feeling better today.” His eyes lingered on me for a moment, deciding whether to oblige or not. He pressed his lips together and nodded stiffly before stepping out of my way. 

         I made it to the mess hall with very little trouble except for having to squint at the sun. 

As the door opened with a loud creak, the usual constant conversation died down into murmurs. I felt the sting of eyes on me, and the hairs on my skin stood on end. I peeled my feet off of the threshold and continued to walk into the mess hall, ignoring the nosy assholes. My accident was weeks ago. I  figured there’d be something new for everyone to talk about by now. 

         I kept my head down and made a plate of eggs, jerky and a piece of fresh bread. My stomach rumbled, eager for the real stuff and not the “food” Joel attempted to make for us. Despite wanting to run back to Joel’s house and eat in a safe, quiet place, it was nice to be somewhere that wasn’t a bedroom or a couch. I set my plate down on a table in the corner and dug in. 

         A few moments later, a woman with graying hair came up to me and placed a hand on my arm. “Matthew’s sister, right?” She asked. I nodded, my mouth full of the seedy bread. Her face twisted into a pitiful look, “Oh I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, dear. That’s the last thing you’d need after that accident you had a few weeks ago.” I almost choked on the food in my mouth. Without the option to spit it back onto my plate, I swallowed it down with difficulty. After taking a sip of water, I stated, “Matthew’s just on an extended watch mission. He’ll be back soon, but thank you.” I smiled lightly. She shook her head, and her pity turned into concern. “You haven’t heard, I guess. But Matthew’s watch group has gone missing. They’ve been out of contact for days. Last time they heard from them was when they were just reaching Colorado.” She explained. Blood rushed to my ears and I could hear the pulse of my racing heart in them. I slammed my fork down on the table before saying, “No, I hadn’t heard. Excuse me.” I pushed out of my chair and forced myself past the woman. I heard her call out, “My name is Lisa if you need anything, dear!” 

          I burst out of the mess hall and back into the chilled air. I swallowed back tears of frustration and terror as I made my way back to Joel’s house. I couldn’t help thinking of what was out there. Matthew’s group could’ve been taken by anything-anyone. Hunters, raiders, and of course, infected. 

          “How could he lie to me? How could everyone lie to me?” I mumbled to myself as I made my way up the wooden steps and to the door. Before my hand could reach the tall wooden door swung open. My name fell from Joel’s mouth and his face was inhabited with worry. “When were you going to tell me?” I asked, my voice thick with the tears I was holding back. “I was going to tell you when you were doing better.” He mumbled as he moved to the side and ushered me out of the cold. “I’ve understood English this whole time Joel. There’s no reason for you not to have told me.” I shrieked angrily. “The nurse said stress wouldn’t allow you to heal properly.” He explained, trying his best to remain calm despite my hysteria. “My brother’s life is more important than some staples in my head.” I seethed, “I cannot believe you would keep this from me. You’re the only other person I’d trusted in this place.” Joel moved to place his hands on my arms but I shook out of his grip and blurted, “No-Don’t fucking touch me.” 

           I could no longer hold the tears back, and they fell in heaves as I leaned my elbows onto the kitchen island. As I tried to wipe my eyes, I spotted a map on the corner of the marble countertop. An idea popped into my head. One that Joel would definitely not approve of. I moved to grab the map and opened it to see a route already drawn. “What’s this?” I demanded before picking it up and showing it to him. “That’s where they think Matthew’s group might be. It’s another community in Colorado. More like a cult.” He grunted as he walked over to me. He attempted to pluck the map out of my hands, but I tugged it away aggressively. “Did you draw this route?” I asked. He shook his head, “Tommy. He’s getting a group together to go looking for them.” He said the second part reluctantly, as if he knew exactly what I was going to say next.

            “When are we leaving?” I questioned as I folded my arms over my chest. I was finally distracted enough for him to grab the paper out of my hand. He folded it and put it in his pocket. “They are leaving tomorrow. You are staying here.” He said sternly. “No fucking way. That’s my brother out there, Joel. I’m not sitting here chewing my nails raw while other people search for him.” I said impatiently. He sat down onto the couch and ran his hands through his hair before stopping to clasp his fingers together against the back of his head. “That’s another reason why we didn’t tell you.” He muttered, “Knew you’d want to go but you’re not ready. You just cracked your skull for fuck’s sake.” I planted my hands on my hips, “That was weeks ago, Joel. I’m fine.” He stood up again. His face was wearing a look I hadn’t quite recognized. “You know damn well what is out there and you know damn well that you still can’t go up the stairs without gettin’ dizzy. Don’t fuckin’ think for a second that I’m going to let you go out there and get yourself hurt again.” He ground out. “It’s not up to you.” I breathed. His face dropped in defeat. He knew I was stubborn and that I would argue until we both ran out of air. “Well I’m not goin’.” He said, keeping his eyes on the floor. “I didn’t ask you to.” I said in the same tone. 

          I stood there for a moment, secretly hoping he would change his mind. Though I knew that after everything he’d already done, I couldn’t ask him to come. This was my issue, my family. Joel's mission to find his brother was over. He deserved to stay behind and rest. I forced myself to walk away from him and towards the stairs. I fought the dizziness by gripping the railing tight as I ascended. His eyes were still on me. Despite the anger between us, he still wanted to make sure I was okay.  When I got to my room, I pulled my backpack out from under the bed and began to stuff whatever I could in it and decided that after packing, I would pay Tommy a visit to see what time the group was leaving tomorrow. 

           Joel didn’t say a word when I opened the door and slipped back into the cold. He didn’t follow me either. I was relieved, but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel like I’d lost him again. 

           When I reached Tommy’s house, I knocked lightly on the door. It took a few moments, but eventually the door opened slowly, revealing not Tommy, but Maria. My name left her lips in a confused tone. “Hi Maria.” I said, trying my best to be polite. She stood there with a hand draped over her swollen belly, “What can I do for you?” She asked. “Well… uh. Tommy’s not here, is he?” I stuttered. She shook her head, “He’s in a meeting.” I nodded, “Well I know Matthew’s watch group went missing, and I also know that Tommy is getting a group together to find them. I need to know what time they’re leaving tomorrow.” Her eyebrows furrowed further, “Who told you all of this?” She questioned. “Some lady in the mess hall told me they were missing. Apparently everyone knew before I did. Joel told me about the group.” I explained. She sighed, I could see her grip on the door frame tightening. “He told us not to tell you himself and now he’s just spewing information all over the place isn’t he?” She muttered under her breath before moving aside to let me walk in the doorway. 

          I entered the warm, homey space. The fireplace was crackling and there were two rocking chairs framing it. “I kind of forced him to tell me.” I confessed. She nodded in understanding. “You deserved to know. I didn’t like that they were keeping it from you. But Joel said you were stubborn, that you would run out the door the minute you heard Matthew was in danger. So he made us form a group of people to find them before we told you with the hope that you might just let them go.” My heart warmed at the thought of Joel doing something so thoughtful.  “He’s right, I am stubborn.” I chuckled, “But he’s so wrong to think that I’m not going to want to help find my brother. The whole reason I traveled across the country was to find him.” Maria nodded again as she crossed her arms over her belly, “I figured as much. Could tell the day you got here that you were strong-willed, in a good way.” I copied her stance before mumbling, “Joel thinks the opposite.”

           I enjoyed Maria’s presence. It was good to have someone on my side for once and not berating me about following directions and whatnot. We talked for a while before she finally gave me the answer I was looking for just as I was leaving. “Anyway, I guess I should give you the information you came for in the first place. Tommy said they will leave at sunrise tomorrow.” I smiled and said, “Thank you, Maria. For everything.” She returned my smile. “Of course. Take whatever you need from the mess hall and armory. Stay safe out there, and I’ll see you when you get back.” Her words felt like a promise. As if she was telling me everything would be okay. 

           I took her advice and stocked up on food at the mess hall, then stopped by the armory to get ammo for my handgun. My head pounded in my ears as I made my way back to Joel’s house, and I knew I needed to lay down and rest before I left the comfort of Jackson for god knows how long. When I got back, Joel wasn’t in his usual spot in the living room. In fact he wasn’t in the house at all. I figured he’d stormed off somewhere to clear his mind, and just climbed into bed. 

           When I awoke, I had no idea what time it was. After blinking away the sleep, I glanced at the window. The sun was just peeking above the treeline. Panic flooded my gut at the possibility of the group leaving without me and I practically jumped out of bed to get dressed. I went down the stairs as quickly and quietly as I could, but froze when I heard Joel call out my name. I turned towards his figure on the couch. “Joel, if you’re here to stop me, it’s a little late for that.” I warned. He stood up off of the couch and came into the light shining in through the front door. He was fully clothed, jacket, boots, and all. My stomach flipped when I saw the bag he had slung over his shoulder. He changed his mind. I took a step towards him and my hand moved to the collar of his coat. “I’m not here to stop you,” He said quietly as his hands moved to adjust the straps on my back pack. “You’re coming?” I asked. He pressed his lips together and nodded, “Figured if I couldn’t stop you…” 

           Relief washed over me, but the guilt was still at the forefront. “I can’t let you do that, Joel. You’ve done too much for me already.” I pressed. “It’s not up to you.” He said. There was a smugness to his tone. He was throwing my words back at me for once. My mind was screaming at me to kiss him and I was about to, but we were caught off guard by a knock at the door. Joel moved to open it, and it revealed a man around his age who had light grey hair and blue eyes. His facial hair looked well kept and his clothes looked to be so too. 

           “You Joel?” The man asked. Joel nodded. “Cool, let’s move.” He said gruffly. Great, another gruff man who doesn’t speak more than 3 words at a time, just what I needed. “Who’s she?” He gestured to me as we followed him out the door. I introduced myself as politely as I could and explained, “I’m Matthew’s sister.” He held out a hand to shake and finally introduced himself, “I’m Evan.” I smiled lightly before turning my gaze to Joel, seeing that he was already staring daggers towards the man. This was going to be fun. 

          As we made our way towards the gates of the community, we caught up with the rest of the group and the three horses Maria graciously lent us. It was two women, Melanie and Amelia, and another man named Jacob. The three of them seemed closer to my age and were members of the watch. Before we set off, Evan and Joel stared at a map and murmured to each other while I stood awkwardly with the others. 

          “So how long do you think this is going to take?” Melanie asked. She was shorter with dark, straight hair and I could see tattoos peeking out of her sleeves. “It’ll probably take a week to get down there. God knows when we’ll be heading back up.” Jacob answered, and Melanie nodded before turning to me  who nervously twisted the straps of my backpack as I waited for the two men to return. “What’s up with you? I didn’t see a sixth person on the list.” She remarked. I gazed up at her, “My brother is in that group. Just wanted to tag along.” She chuckled, “Tag along? Have you even had one shift on the watch?” I prepared myself to answer, but felt Joel’s presence behind me. “She hasn’t, but she can shoot and she’s smart in combat. I wouldn’t worry about her too much.” He grunted. Melanie scoffed and looked at Jacob, her face twisted into an expression that said can you believe this? Jacob shrugged then turned to smile at me weakly. Despite already being doubted by the team, it felt good to know that Joel had my back. I had to admit, I felt more powerful with him behind me 

As we stood by the gate, Tommy caught up to us. He handed us a sack filled with food and medical supplies. He winked at me, “Bandages for the clumsy one.” I rolled my eyes, but shot him a smile. “Thanks, Tommy.” I said. He nodded, “Of course… You know, there’s a place for you two here when you get back. “I’m countin’ on it.” Joel said.  Tommy turned to his brother and said, “Adios, big brother.” They hugged each other, neither letting go for a couple of moments. “Adios, little brother.” Joel muttered while he adjusted the positioning of the rifle Tommy handed him. My heart warmed at the interaction between the two, and I longed to have something like that again with Matthew. 

         We mounted our horses, two people on each. Melanie rode with Amelia, and Jacob with Evan. Joel helped me mount a chestnut colored horse, and then hoisted himself up behind me. I gripped the reins tight in my hands, ignoring the nervous excitement I felt from his body against mine. As we approached the gates and they opened in front of us, I felt my heart beat faster and sweat begin to wet my brow. The thought of being out of this haven and back into the unforgiving reality of the world made everything in me want to turn back. My only motivation to continue forward was my brother being in danger, and Joel’s strong hands resting on my hips as I steered the horse. Every once in a while he'd squeeze lightly, silently reassuring me that everything would be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Thank you for reading! <3

Taglist: @ashleyfilm @demonsasss @ayamenimthiriel

Next Part | Masterlist

[partyinthemysterymachine]

hello, everyone. this will be my first and only time i will be publicly addressing this. i am not answering questions about this, and for the first time ever, i am also disallowing anons.

first of all, i want to say that i've chosen to address this now out of my own volition. because i do not find it fair at all that i have felt that i could NOT address it at any point in order to maintain peace and harmony during, and in the wake of the event.

however, i feel that due to the nature of what happened, and the absolute damage that it has done to my mental health, that i must, in order to further my own recovery from it all, and as so no longer feel bullied into silence.

there will be no names mentioned. this is not a vaguepost. this is my formal statement for my own peace of mind and progressing on my path towards recovery.

if you know, you know; and if you don't, you don't.

so.

let's talk.

throughout this past year i have been the target of a smear campaign concerning GOOMT. it actually began late 2022, but escalated long into 2023.

what entailed was nothing short of bad faith reading and interpretation from someone whose skill in character analysis was something i'd admired. in fact, i had agreed many a time with how they'd interpreted characters and the world of Silent Hill. although my interaction with said person had historically been minimal, it had been civil, and i strived to be respectful of them.

i am unfortunately unsure of what caused this, or why it happened at all; and i do not think they know either. what i do know is that many upon many lies were told about what i write, and that it turned needlessly personal on many occasions. people were turned against me for one reason another, and i'm saddened to have seen this happen.

i stayed quiet during it all. i did what many people facing ruthless targeted harassment do, and pretended i didn't know in hopes of minimizing damage, and in hopes of responsible parties losing interest; but this did not happen. i was sent bad faith anons, i was subject to lies, and saw hypocrisy.

and i understood who they were and why they were here. they were looking for "gotcha's!" that didn't exist, digging for reasons to further vilify me.

worse, the bullying was praised. it was encouraged, and it was near-constant. a whole tag was created. the intent was to hurt and isolate me, and it did. it did hurt me, and it did make me feel isolated, and i withdrew quite a bit.

but i did not stop writing. it took longer for me to post, but i did not stop writing.

and moreover?

i REFUSE to stop writing.

i write a fanfic for a fandom i love. i am as how you see me and how i present myself. i'm enthusiastic and encouraging to others because that is genuinely how i feel. i LOVE to see others create. i LOVE to see the vast amount of interpretations, and silliness, and new OCs and pairings and OC/canon pairings, and i LOVE to see others thrive.

and i am in competition with exactly no one.

i did nothing wrong. i KNOW i did nothing wrong. i also know that those involved know that i did nothing wrong, and i did nothing to deserve the treatment i received, no matter how they try to justify it to themselves.

the behavior i faced, and how others reacted with encouragement and cheer is becoming too common and too normalized.

and it needs to stop.

i've been in therapy for the better part of my life. although i've been without a therapist since i've moved, i've finally found one to not only continue my lifelong recovery in other matters, but to help myself recover from what i faced this year.

i am extremely hurt. i know that this was the goal, and it has succeeded. if hearing this fills those involved with pride and glee, then something is wrong, because that should not elicit that reaction. i am extremely, deeply disappointed in those involved for this, and all the hypocrisy, and all the contradictions, and all the willful bad faith asks sent and posts made.

and i have done nothing wrong.

i do not hate anyone. i do not hate who started this, or even who engaged with them; and i never did.

it is okay if someone doesn't like what or how i write. in fact, i have made multiple posts about how i view my attitude towards my writing. one of the points i have made is that i encourage people who do not like what i write, to NOT read it.

there is a very old saying on fandom internet: Don't Like? Don't Read. now, this should be obvious, but the practice of hate-reading is an extremely unhealthy behavior that has, again, become unfortunately normalized in the recent handful of years.

unlearn hate-reading. you do not read to read anything you do not like. it, in many cases, can actually constitute as self-harm. and if you choose to do this, it is not the author's fault.

it is yours. and you need to take responsibility for your own actions.

there are people here who were needlessly cruel to me and who i feel do not feel a lick of remorse for what they've done. i hope some day that they can reflect with a clearer head and understand, and take some responsibility for their actions.

and i genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, with full raw sincerity, hope that they do get to heal; that they do learn and grow; that they UNlearn these toxic behaviors; are able to move away from people who exhibit them; find the courage and strength to stand up for themselves and/or others, to end the cycle; and that they understand that i do not hate them, and that i wish them full success in their future health and endeavors.

that said, i hope all involved will never forget the harm they have done. i hope they cringe. i hope it keeps them up at night, and i dearly hope they actually regret their actions, or at some point come to regret it.

i do not hate any one of them, and i won't. i never will.

and never will anyone involved ever be forgiven for it either.

most of all - and on a much lighter note - i want to say thank you to those who supported me during this time. your patience and reassurance has been a saving grace that words unfortunately cannot do justice. you are precious to me, and i love you all, and i hope that i can be just as strong and supportive to you in your times of need.

thank you too to all my readers, my followers, and my friends. i'm sorry to have been largely absent this past year, but this was the reason why. next year it will be better, not just for me, but for all of us. i promise. i love you all.

i also love me, my art, my writing as a whole, and myself. i am a tough cookie. i may have cried a lot, i may have gotten frustrated and angry, but i am human. i'm allowed to feel this way, and i will feel this way for a while as i heal, yet i refuse to be bitter; and i refuse to stop loving what i do.

because i love GOOMT. i love developing GOOMT, i love drawing for GOOMT, and i love writing GOOMT. i always will love GOOMT, no matter how many years more it takes for me to write it. so thank you to all who have read and enjoyed GOOMT, and have matched my enthusiasm for it and its future. i am so, SO blessed to have you here, and i am SO excited to spin my story.

and i am so, SO glad to be alive to be able to share my piece of this silly foggy world with you.

cheers, mates. i look forward to a new year, better health for me and all, and to what beautiful things we can create and share together.

i love you - and i promise that we will be okay.

for we are alive, and with wounds that WILL heal.

[impossiblycolorfulpanda]

Zutara - Injury Recovery

After a brutal battle with Ozaatu and the red lotus. Zuko suffered some minor injuries, the gaang helped out and were hiding out in a hidden lodge.

Zuko: "Katara...?"

Katara: "(Shushes) will hide here until you're strong enough to move. Once again, you willingly put you're own well-being at risk for us. You're either the bravest prince I've ever met or the craziest."

Zuko: "Ex-prince, remember?"

Katara: "How do you always get hurt the way you do?"

Zuko: "Pain has become an old friend over the years."

Katara looked sad.

Katara: "I can't help but feel like I'm the one to blame."

Zuko: "What are you talking about?"

Katara: "Zuko, I'm always put in a situation I can't get out of, and you are always there to get me out, jeopardizing your own life while doing it! You shouldn't have to do that!"

Zuko: "I could just leave you to get hurt or die, couldn't I? It's my choice and I promised myself I'd make the right ones, and I’ll always do it knowing you're safe. I actually have a chance at saving you, I'm taking it, no questions asked. I'm not abandoning you like I was forced to abandon Azula because I'm an idiot."

Katara: "You are not an idiot."

Zuko: "You know of the mistakes I made and always called me out on them. No holding back. I always gave credit to my uncle for changing my ways, but I believe you also made me better in your own way, even if you didn’t know it. In a way. You saved me too."

Katara: "Zuko I..."

Zuko: "I'd be lost without you Katara."

Their eyes got caught in contact, unable to break. They leaned fearlessly, and their mouths caught into a kiss.

Aang’s eyes widened with shock. He wasn’t sure why; he already opened his last chakra and he told Katara his romantic feelings are gone but a part of him still felt surprised. His hands clutched and he closed his eyes. His mind wondered.

Patik voice: (Once you open this chakra, you will be able to go in and out of the Avatar State at will and when you are in the Avatar State, you will have complete control and awareness of all your actions. The Thought Chakra is located at the crown of the head. It deals with pure cosmic energy and is blocked by earthly attachment. Meditate on what attaches you to this world. Now, let all of those attachments go. Let them flow down the river, forgotten.)

Aang voice: (Yangchen said I'm supposed to latched on my earthly tethers; she was wrong. The moment all my chakras became open, at first, I was lost, and I was afraid I would always feel that way. But instead, a sense of calmness and true freedom has come over me, I'm no longer at war with myself and I see things more clearly. I’m no longer capable of harboring any romantic feelings for you. I’m sorry, but we could never be. My affections were never real, and they always clouded my judgment. I was wrong to risk ruining our friendship because of my desires. It’s better this way, that way I can truly embrace my role as the avatar. I’m not gonna keep letting fear stop me. I’m done running from who I am.)

Roku voice: (My wife was actually not an earthly tether, that honor belonged to Sozin. Ta Min was something else. I call it, the beacon of ascension. It is a person who is most special and most important to the avatar. The light within the darkness and the one to inspire you to achieve balance and your true potential and vice versa. Give yourself time Aang, your beacon of ascension is out there. This being is very rare and will sometimes appear when you least expect it.)

Aang eased his hands, took deep breaths, and opened his eyes. He made a tiny smirk at the new couple.

[abyssalzones]

i am so bad with words but ough. you get it. YOU GET IT!!! fords story is SUCH a compelling narrative on abuse and the recovery afterwards. i don’t think i realized how impactful it really was tho until a) reading your tbob review google doc (you articulate yourself so well and i loved hearing your thoughts on it!!) and b) those pages in tbob where the pines talk about bill (the pages where Mabel is dipping bill in guac like a chip lol). ive been in the gf fandom since i was 13 and bill was always always my fav character (who i was definitely not unhealthily obsessed with) so hearing that tbob was coming out was like a dream. i then read tbob and before I got to those pine pages i was kinda thinking like the rest of the fandom like “oh hehe these guys are exes” and then i read those pine pages and especially the part where ford says that he doesn’t have to feel shame anymore talking about his experience with bill… really hit me?? and then the sudden tonal whiplash when bill starts talking again hit me harder and something just clicked. like oh! bill is an abuser. oh my god. bill ABUSED ford. like it wasn’t just “omg hehe divorce <33 omg they’re exes <33”. like bill manipulated and used and abused this guy who’s been so insecure his entire life about something he couldn’t help and has always felt excluded and was so so desperate for praise and love. and for the first time in my stupid ass brain it clicked at just how awful and monstrous that is. so yeah. idk you probs don’t care and I’m sorry for filling ur inbox with nonsense lol but tldr you are one of a few people who actually grasp and understand fords character and treats his story about abuse with the care and respect it deserves. so… thank you? i love your art btw.

— sincerely someone who relates to ford pines a little too much

NO I DO CARE. I CARE A LOT

honestly asks like these make me feel like articulating myself is actually worth it in any capacity. I don't go into writing for the sake of changing people's minds since I know a lot of people likely won't be swayed by some stranger's essay on the internet about a cartoon, so it feels like I'm asking to get super frustrated if I think of it that way. but then every once in a while (mainly now, this is a very new phenomenon to me) I get to hear feedback like this and it shocks me every time. it's awesome to me when people go on a whole character arc about a piece of fiction because it reassures me that even in this little microcosm instance people often just don't have a moment where it clicks for them, and it could just take some time or the right set of circumstance. idk. probably a little melodramatic but I think it's cool + I like when people are good readers!

anyway, thank you!! this really made my morning :D

[fandomtrashcan]

Robbie Reyes' Physic Scale or something

This was an anatomy practice that turned into a shading practice that turned into a rant about my Robbie Reyes body headcanons.

Right Image is what I headcanon his body looks like if he has spent enough time with Eli and also how I personally imagine him in most of @rokhal's fics. Also his canon appeareance before the Abbey in Road to Recovery.

If you really want to build muscle, even if you have good genetics, you need a diet that has enough protein, a lot of hours in the gim and a good sleep schedule. Robbie doesn't get any of these things if he is struggling with paying the bills and dealing with Eli.

He's thin and you can see his ribs, but he still has defined arms and a somewhat wide back. He has a nice bone structure, as Rhonda kindly pointed out, and he uses his arms a lot both for work and for lifting Gabe's chair whenever it's necessary. Other than that, he doesn't really have that much muscle. His cheeks and eyes are also more sunken.

If he joins the Avengers or the Abbey, his body starts looking more and more like the picture in the left. When his life improves, he starts getting decent meals and enough sleep, he is less stressed and I think he would start working out in his free time because now he actually has free time. He is a person that likes looking good, after all, and I think that having a bit of muscle would fit his general aesthetic.

According to Midnight Suns lore, Blade trains all the Midnight Suns kids, and teaches Nico and Robbie self defense lessons so they are not completely useless if they can't use their powers. So since I think Blade would be a strict teacher, it wouldn't be too far fetched to assume that Robbie also gets a workout routine as part of the training. I think that a mix of good genetics and a good workout routine would get him dorito-shaped in no time.

That's why Left Image his canon appeareance in Road to Recovery.

I draw people with body hair because most people who have gone through puberty have body hair and removing it is a conscious decision that also takes a lot of effort and time. So when drawing a character I ask myself if it would fit their personality to take that decision and if they would have the means to shave/wax themselves regularly.

I think that even at his worst, he always keeps himself well groomed, specially around the armpits, because hair tends to pick up sweat, but keeping himself completely shaven all the time is too much effort.

In Midnight Suns specifically he gets to spend a lot of time in the pool. Since he has gained muscle and he's a little bit vain, I think keeping his chest and armpits shaven wouldn't be out of character for him.

Keeping other... lower areas completely shaven is a pain in the ass and I don't think he would go through it unless he has a partner. I headcanon him as a-spec but not sex repulsed, but I don't think he would be getting any action unless he's in a somewhat stable relationship.

I already talked about having scars in his hands due his job and boxer's fracture.

I think that being able to control his physical presentation helps him regain some sense of his body autonomy. Eli taking control of his body, switching into the rider, having his body changed without his consent with the whole eye color change and the scars that he gains in the forehead... all of those things put together are mildly traumatic. I think that being able to control how he looks is something that would be good for him, and that's also why I like the headcanon of him getting tattoos/piercings as the time passess if he has the means.

This was a long rant and english is not my mother tongue but I hope it made sense.