#something something the mortifying ordeal of. projecting somewhat.

[mothbeasts]

ok since you're the fabby expert riddle me this bc i've been thinking abt this all day for some reason. what do u think like. her childhood/young adulthood was like. i rotate her in my head all the time but it is SO difficult to think abt her outside of the state she's currently in now. i know she didn't spawn upon this earth like that. but that's the only way i can picture it so i need insider intel on this subject

SO glad you asked because i think about this extensively. disclaimer that this probably does not line up with Actual Canon it's just my fun little version of events that happens in my brain.

With that out of the way. What was younger fabby like?

For starters. she was 100% a theater kid and finds it embarrassing as an adult. But you cannot stop being a theater kid. Ever.

Honestly. I feel like she was fairly normal as a kid. Maybe a bit TOO interested in morbid things like poison and murder but honestly. That feels Normal. She would've been the kind of kid who like enacted the strangest scenarios and drama with dolls I think.

Things get interesting at around her young adult era. See, in my mind, a lot of her issues started at around that time. Her general constant stress and poor sleep schedule were Definitely worse when she started university. But she powered through (mostly on spite) to get her engineering degree anyways. And then got a job with Zoraxis. Which in no way helped anything ever. In my mind she also got a minor in an art field - not entirely sure what but that's just how I imagine it going. Probably something fashion related, if we wanna take that watch poster into account.

Another thing in my mind is that she was far more reserved in. i wanna say the late teens-early 20s range. Quiet, not really drawing attention. Very absorbed in her studies. Her turn towards evil science was kind of simultaneous with her becoming more like the Fabricator we see in the games; by the time she's gotten a cozy spot near the top of Zoraxis, she's got her act perfected. But the perfect evil science persona DOES take time to craft and that wasn't really the direction she had intended to go at first. She started off just wanting to go into normal engineering or something. Even into her early days with Zoraxis, she was a bit eccentric perhaps but not quite at evil science level for some time.

I think her interest in poisons and such started to take a turn for the worse when she got access to university level chemistry labs. And then her engineering education obviously went towards murder.

The summary is she was honestly Pretty Normal in my mind up until she started working for Zoraxis. After that she realized she actually thinks the whole evil thing is fun and she wants in on it.

HONORARY OTHER HEADCANON MENTION: I tend to draw her with a prosthetic arm. Why, you ask? Lab Incident. She accidentally blew herself up really bad. This happened shortly after the start of her career at Zoraxis.

[hammerbonk]

Here’s a goofy ooc Vernetto exchange I came up with. Tbh I just wanted to think about sleep deprived Vertin being silly and Sonetto continuing to never beat the ouppy allegations💀💀

Sugarcrash

Recently, Sonetto had witnessed the Timekeeper go through one of their most challenging ordeals yet: no Picrasma Candy.

They were due to get another batch from Medicine Pocket themself, but due to ‘higher priority projects’, they refused to manufacture any unless Vertin coughed up some extra funds, which they had a distinct lack thereof.

When Sonetto checked earlier that day, Vertin had been on their last few pieces, determined to ration what they had. It was now late in the evening, leaving Sonetto with very grim feelings about what state her superior could possibly be in.

She could distantly recall learning the signs of withdrawal symptoms, and her blood ran cold. If the claims of Pricrasma Candy containing alcohol were to be believed, then Vertin could be suffering from a lack of that and the cell stimulating effect of the Pricrasma concentrates.

And as the Timekeeper’s chief assistant, their wellbeing was her top priority! She had to check up on them.

“Timekeeper? It’s Sonetto. Please may I come in?”

She knocked on Vertin’s door, ears pricked for a reply.

“Come in.” Came the Timekeeper’s voice in an unusually flat tone.

Entering their office, Sonetto immediately made a beeline to Vertin, whose posture was a bit too rigid while their head was slumped at a good 45° angle.

Even in their exhaustion, they held onto the pen that they were using to fight off the insurmountable amount of paperwork they had received. Her gaze softening, Sonetto wrenched the pen from their hand and put it aside.

“It’s alright, Timekeeper,” she whispered gently. “You can go rest in your room. I’ll handle the rest of the reports for you.”

In scenarios like these, Sonetto expected to hear some sort of protest from the ever altruistic Vertin. But to her surprise, none came. They simply watched her as she took the papers from their desk.

“Mmh… Thank you, Sonetto…”

There was a long pause before Vertin said something else, half lidded silver eyes blinking slowly at her.

“…pretty.”

“Sorry?” Sonetto asked, cheeks instantly turning as red as her hair.

“Pretty girl. You’re such a pretty girl,” Vertin said in an incoherent manner that somewhat resembled cooing. “Who’s a pretty girl? Who’s a pretty girl? You are, you are…”

To Sonetto’s flabbergasted delight, Vertin brought their gentle, uncoordinated hands to her head, ruffling her hair and squishing her cheeks, all the while tumbling all sorts of strange praises from her mouth.

But just as she was settling into the affection, they snapped out of it, and quickly recoiled their hands. She just barely put a lid on the whine that was about to escape her throat.

“My apologies, Sonetto,” Vertin whispered, mortified at themself. “To be frank… I think I am losing it.”

“I— you—” she took a deep breath. “That’s alright, Timekeeper.”

[birdmitosis]

Oh hey hey hey, the first chapter of my Voices-centric fic is up!

The Long Quiet is gone, but the Voices remain. This place still cannot hold a fragment of a concept, but even as they all try to figure out where to go from here, they begin to become something more than simply fragments, and to become full, separate people with their own bodies. If they can just figure out the process, maybe it can even go... somewhat smoothly.

In which the Voices develop a body of their own and then new bodies keep showing up and splitting them apart. Then they have to contend with the mortifying ordeal of being individuals increasingly alone in own their heads, and also fully-realized beings who go beyond their simple one-word roles, and also have to talk to each other out loud or something? Sounds fake. ANYWAY, this will contain shipping between some of the Voices; the definite and most major ones are Contrarian/Hero and Cold/Paranoid. It will also contain trans headcanons. This is a Voice of the Hero POV fic taking place after the Stranger variant of the "And? What happens next?" ending.

[hawkogurl]

Welcome to the horrors of something I affectionately call Corpse Harry Au. Im subjecting myself to the mortifying ordeal of being known, so please make it worthwhile by reading it here and also commenting.

It includes: Raimi Parksborn, Elements of Horror, Lovecraftian horror, major character undeath, Somewhat Undead Raimi Harry and a lot of angst and hurt/comfort.

Please read my baby I’m very proud of it

[sgcairo]

My Dearest Darling (Irnes X Fatui! Reader Part Three)

Somehow, we made it to 200+ followers! Here's the third part of the series, and I believe I'll probably need a masterpost soon for what I have planned... This part is mostly letters, for those wondering. There's a little bit at the end that isn't letters, but here's all of Irnes' major writings to you! Still SFW, Irnes is a smitten man and the mortifying ordeal of having to explain why there's a nude painting of him in the mail would probably give him a heart attack. So here you go, some letters from Irnes during your time apart!

Seventh of Winter

My darling,

I used to write all the time, when I was much younger. But since my body doesn't work as well as it used to, I've found that writing my observations and letters is much harder than it was. Regardless, I will do my best for you, as you're all alone and I can't bear to leave you that way.

Today is the seventh day of winter. You left yesterday, yet I can't stop thinking about you. It's around this time that my pain starts to act up from the cold, so I've been sequestered in my chair by Sergei so I don't hurt myself. But there's so much to do! The projects for the Doctor will not finish themselves, and I have several reports to finish! Alas, Sergei is vehemently keeping me confined, I'm only allowed to walk with his assistance (though I'm quite sure I don't need it). However, that is not of any importance, as my thoughts have been only on your lovely voice.

There's no greater force in this world than passion and love. I know this well, subjects put under extreme duress in impossible situations are invigorated by the sight of their true desire, whether it be relation or object. In this case, I am the subject, so dearly in love with you that I would do anything, survive a bludgeoning that would kill a man. Oh how I love you, my dear, it pains me to know that you're so far away, across the sea and serving Her Majesty in the name of progress.

I cannot confess it to your face, but clones do not... dream, at least, not often. It's not that we're incaptable, no, it's that we have nothing to dream about, other than our beloved creator's goal, which is rather boring to think, let alone dream about. But I've found that my dreams have been solely occupied by you, to the point that Prime would have written it off as an illness. It is not an illness, I know that much, but it really is peculiar. I've never dreamed like this before... Can you believe that?

But enough about me, how has your trip been? By the time you read this letter, I predict you will be in Sumeru, so I must ask how it went. I don't know if you get seasick or not, but I hope not, otherwise I would have made a little something to make you feel better. Do let me know, I'll send a package for next time! I forgot to inform you, but I have given Omega express orders to make sure you're well, a favor that he's been dying to pay off. If he is unkind to you, tell me and I will ensure that his return will be anything but pleasant. I will also tell Prime, because I am physically incapable of smacking him upside the head with sufficient force to get through that thick skull of his.

Anyhow, I know you don't have much time to read an essay worth of words, so I will stop here. Do take care of yourself, my love. I wait for your reply.

With love, Irnes

Eleventh of Winter

My dear,

It has been a few days since I have written last, but only because I seem to have fallen ill again. Even now, Sergei is writing this for me, as I am not allowed to leave my bed or do any strenuous tasks. Though I'm fairly sure that writing isn't a strenuous task when you have nothing to do... Do not worry about me, however, my sickness is nothing serious, just a small cold. Sergei is merely overreacting, I am perfectly fine, I believe that I am being forced to rest as a precaution, nothing more.

I miss you so much. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again, I do believe that the saying "in absence does the heart grow fonder". I've found myself somewhat distracted from my work by thoughts of you, and Sergei is giving me a look as I say this. I should apologize to Prime, now that I think about it. No matter, I will get to it eventually. Eventually.

I've been thinking about our future recently. Being sick gives me too much time alone with my thoughts, it seems! When you return, I will speak more of it, but I think that perhaps- if you weren't opposed- we could make it somewhat official? I quite like the idea of you being mine. Perhaps it's my brain's response to theoretical death that's saying this... but I also like the idea of being yours. I like that idea better, actually. Being yours would make me truly happy.

But do tell me about your adventures in Sumeru! There are these particular creatures called Aranara that you may run across during your adventures, do send any pictures if you find them! They have little hats and usually dance around near trees. You may need a child to find them, but they are positively adorable! I have also sent some pressed flowers from my collection, one of them being a wild glaze lily. Fully intact, preserved for a few years, though the exact number of years escapes me. Consider it a bribe! Just kidding, but Sumeru really is a fascinating place. I think you will enjoy it immensely.

Anyways, my throat hurts and Sergei is glaring at me. Do take care of yourself, my love. I promise that I'll be alright, don't worry about me. Enjoy your time away, I will be here waiting for you.

Yours, Irnes

Sir, Irnes is delirious and will not be writing to you for some time. I apologize for the inconvenience, but he needs rest. He is also trying to escape, so please do write to tell him to stop running out in the cold with minimal clothing. By that I mean almost nothing. Thank you.

Sergei

Twentieth of Winter

My dearest darling,

I think it will please you to know that I have fully recovered since your last letter, in which you expressed much concern over my health. I can assure you that I am back on my feet! Prime is working me to near death, but it is the busiest season, as the deep cold keeps specimens from falling apart as easily. We also have new segments that have to be taken care of... Having naked ones running around is amusing, to say the least. They have no concept of morality or language yet, which has made for a few fires.

Anastasiy also has been discovering the concept of cookies lately, he has been hoarding them in his room. I have been pressed to make more, though Lord Pantalone is threatening to have me disbanded for getting him addicted to sugar. I can't help it though, his eyes have that little twinkle when he sees them! Oh well. I'll be sure to make you some once you return, as they are best warm.

Omega has notified me that you've been working quite hard under his jurisdiction. Don't let him pressure you into working more, my dear! He may be your superior, but I will come to Sumeru myself and knock him upside the head, just you wait. The warmth would keep my joints nice and loose, just for his ass kicking.

Do make sure that you're getting enough water and food! Sumeru can dehydrate you, especially in the humid areas! I would hate for you to get hurt or pass out because of it! Sleep is also important, especially in a land with no dreams. Without dreams as an indication of deep sleep, do try to get the advised eight hours a night (though I am fully aware that your schedule may not allow it). I have sent some herbal teas with this letter to help you sleep well, should you require them. They are a blend I procured and mixed personally, do tell me if it is not to your liking.

It's good to hear that you're doing well in Sumeru. Your stories are quite amusing, that Maksim of yours really is a mischievous man. I am glad that your comrades are taking care of you, despite getting goo all over your uniform. And do not worry about the uniform, dear. I happen to know how to get stains out of any fabric, and we can even get you a new one, should it be unsalvageable.

I wish I could hold you through a letter, but I'm afraid the universe has concrete limits. I send all my love to you, and I hope to hear from you again soon. Take care, my dear.

Yours, Irnes

Second of Spring

My star,

Snezhnaya does not have much of a spring season. It doesn't exactly have seasons, either. Though I look forward to summer, at least the cold relents ever so slightly. It's nice, on the old aches.

I have been invested in a project recently. It may be a bit forward of me, but I suppose I will simply have to show you in person. It will take some time to complete, however. Oh dear, it definitely

In your previous letter, you mentioned your family. I would very much like to meet them, that is, if you would like to be seen with someone like me. I don't know what's come over me lately, but things feel... wrong. It's nothing to do with you or any of the others, I simply feel strange in my own skin. An ache has started in my chest, the mirrors feel awfully oppressive as of late. I apologize, I know I shouldn't burden you with my thoughts like this.

I should write at another time, I suppose.

Third of Spring

My dearest,

I do not know how long you'll be gone, but it's almost been a season since you've left. I'm almost tempted to come visit you, though Sergei says it's a bad idea. Travelling in my condition... It would certainly be painful, but I would do it just to see you again. It would be worth it, every small pain. Though I know you wouldn't approve, so I will stay here and wait.

I do have some funny tidbits from my days taking care of the new clones. It's only been a few weeks, but they still insist on causing chaos, fairly standard of their base instincts. Though one of them in particular is very interested in vandalizing the holding room with... phallic objects. I've caught him in the act not once, not twice, but THREE times. I audibly sigh just thinking about it, is this what raising children is like?

Speaking of which, what are your opinions on children? Merely out of curiosity, as you seemed to have an aversion when I introduced you to Danya. Though I did see children in that family picture of yours... I must ask if you have siblings! Perhaps cousins, if not... It puzzles me, the children do look remarkably similar to you... blood relations, I'm sure. Please help me, my dear! I'm dying of curiosity!

I have inquired further with Prime about Sumeru out of my own curiosity. How wondrous! I wish I could be there with you, I hear that Sumeru City truly is a beautiful place. I also received those pictures of the Aranaras that you sent! They are quite adorable, and they have been taken from me by those ungrateful and greedy little creatures that Prime calls his image. They are currently begging me to ask you to send more, though I know you are quite busy and have little time to yourself, so do not feel pressured to comply.

In exchange for those marvelous pictures, I have included one of a rather disappointed segment in the bath and a few setting fires. I do hope you will be amused by them, it is quite embarrassing for them, but deserved after they stole my pictures. I am a man of spite, my dear, and I will not hesitate.

I love you, my dear. I hope that soon you will return to me.

Yours, Irnes

Fifteenth of Spring

My dear,

I should tell you the story of how I got these burns, hm? I have little to talk about nowadays, my time is rather mundane while serving Prime, so I suppose this may be the best way to tell you. While I would much rather say it to your face... Part of me knows that I would lose my courage in that situation, and for that I am sorry. You deserve nothing but my best, but I should tell you that I can be quite a cowardly man when it serves me. Or perhaps when it matters most.

It was many years ago. So many that it's only a vague recollection. I was in charge of a ruin guard factory, a short distance outside of Liyue Harbor. In fact, I believe it is still there, albeit abandoned. I was working in Prime's place, during one of his obsessions. I was quite proud of being promoted to a manager of such an important project, so much so that it seems foolish now, looking back on it. I was young, fresh out of the pod and eager for responsibility. It was stupid, in hindsight.

The accident itself involved that very hubris I held. At first, it was just my coat getting stuck in one of the open gears of a nearby incinerator. The next, it was my glove, then my hand. It hurt, it hurt so much. The gears crushed my skin, my bones. The fire burned through muscle, it felt like I was being torn apart. The open flame spread, until I was fully ablaze. I cried for help, but it was too late. The severe burns on my right side are what remains of that accident, as well as the crookedness of my arm. I don't remember much after catching fire. Just voices and flashes of light. I thought I was going to die.

Somehow, though, I did not. When I opened my eyes next, I was back in the cold of the motherland, the sky full of stars. That was the first time I'd ever seen the stars above my home. It was beautiful, like something out of a dream. The next time I woke up, it was with Prime holding a bone saw in front of my face. I almost wet myself, I'll tell you that much. It was terrifying. He planned to use it to cut through the skin as well! Blasphemy!

I couldn't walk and barely spoke for a few months after that. It took me a year, perhaps a bit more, to fully be able to walk again. Even then, it was embarrassingly haphazard. Still is, if I'm being honest.

I don't know what has come over me, writing this. I apologize, my dear. But know that I care for you, and that I wait for you to return.

Please keep safe.

Yours, Irnes

Forty Third of Spring

My dear,

I have not heard of you for some time. I do hope you're alright. Perhaps it is because you're busy, but I hope it's not because you're wounded. That would hurt more than you not having time...

Please take care of yourself.

Yours, Irnes

Eighth of Summer

Tsaritsa have mercy, it can't be true. Please, don't let it be true. Please. It's a lie, a clever prank by Omega.

Please.

It's summer. It's the warmest that this horrid place will ever get. I planned... I had so much planned.

Don't leave me alone. Please. My heart can't take it. It's selfish, I know. But please don't leave me.

I love you, my dear.

[little-smartass]

tagged by @eleanorfenyxwrites

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

34!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

721,748

What fandoms do you write for?

I pretty much just write for whichever fandom I'm in at that moment - currently it's The Untamed but I've also written for Vampire Chronicles, Les Mis, Star Trek, X-Men and Discworld

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

All In - Star Trek AOS: when Spock donates his genetic material for the Vulcan rebuilding program, the fetus created requires further medical assistance that only a human can provide, and things get... complicated. Space Husbands science baby fic that's mostly a Kirk character study.

Where There's A Will, There's A Road - The Untamed: when 3zun go on a night hunt shortly before Jin Ling's 100 day celebration, Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao become separated from Lan Xichen inside a magical temple (or tomb?) and must work together to escape. 3zun fic with a focus on NieYao taking steps towards reconciliation

If It's Me You Need To Turn To, We'll Get By - The Untamed: Jin Guangyao gets sick whilst planning Jin Ling's 100 day celebration and Jin Zixuan, feeling somewhat responsible, decides to take care of him. Jin bros sickfic fixit in which JGY discovers the Mortifying Ordeal Of Being Known and Zixuan discovers the Mortifying Ordeal of Getting To Know Other People

Into The Open Air - Vampire Chronicles: when Claudia is setenced to death by the theatre vampires in Paris, Lestat manages to gather just enough of his wits about him to defend her, and this changes everything. Lestat POV fic exploring the possiblities of what might have happened if Claudia hadn't been killed.

Best of My Love - The Untamed: Meng Yao is struggling with night school, helping raise his troubled little brother, working at a ridiculous diner, and trying to find love whilst asexual - and then Lan Xichen enters his life. XiYao ace romcom that I worked on with @justkeeptrekkin

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Rarely. I used to all the time, when I didn't get very many comments and I knew most of the fandom (when I was writing for Discworld) and then All In became VERY unexpectedly popular, and keeping on top of responding to comments just became impossible and I fell out of the habit. If someone asks a specific question or challenges something I have written I will respond but that's it.

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't often write angsty endings, but Soulmate Words and Solemn Promises is a "your soulmates last words to you are written on your skin" AU so. that was pretty much fucking guaranteed to be bleak as all fuck.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I pretty much exclusively write happy endings haha but I think special shoutouts have to go to the ends of All In and Harmony is the Value

Do you get hate on fics?

I have done before - the VC fandom is pretty catastrophically toxic, so I wasn't surprised to get hate on those fics, and I think I got one personal visitation from the infamous Xiyao Troll?

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No, not really... though I am currently working on a secret project with @eleanorfenyxwrites that has changed that 👀

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I think the only direct crossover I've been involved with are the les trekables fics I wrote with @dotsayers

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I've had people ask if they can translate my work but I don't think any of the translations ever got posted, that I'm aware of...

What's your all-time favorite ship?

I don't feel like it's fair to say because I love them all equally, my brain just fixates on different ones at different times 😆

What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I've actually made a rule for myself where I only post stuff once I've finished writing it to specifically avoid this!

What are your writing strengths?

I'm gonna say... dialogue, and exploring character emotions

What are your writing weaknesses?

I really struggle with action scenes, and with describing backdrops or props further than, like, The Vibes. where are the characters? they're in a room, don't worry about it.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've done little phrases or words in other languages (french for VC, and honorifics for CQL) but I wouldn't be confident going further than that

First fandom you wrote for?

Beyblade, though Teen Titans and the The Edge Chronicles were the first to get actually posted online 🫣

Favorite fic you've written?

tough one! All In will always have a special place in my heart because it reminds me of @spicyshimmy-blog 💜 the While There Are Green Hills, There Will Be Wood To Burn trilogy took about three full years to write and I am HUGELY proud of it, and Where There's A Will, There's A Road is my first fic to get podfic'd so I like to listen to it all the time, which has definitely made it one of my favourites!

[shijas]

hi chel! i hope this is ok to ask but if it isnt, you dont have to answer. lately, ive been struggling with my writing. i do still enjoy writing, but i find myself doubting myself more often. i sometimes wonder if what im writing is realistic to how the characters would act, or if my writing is embarrassing. i started posting my works on ao 3 more recently and... while my writing gets a somewhat decent? amount of attention, ill see other works with a lot of engagement and wonder if im doing

heyy nonny! ofc this was okay to ask!! firstly, i totally feel you. it’s completely natural to have moments when you’re unsure and dissatisfied with your writing. if you still enjoy the process of writing, then that’s great! i want to make it clear that your feelings may linger but they will pass!!

i talked about this in an ask on my writing blog once but my three biggest writing tips are: “a first draft is a first draft”, “if you’re writing is indulging you then it’s met your target audience” and “as long as your characterisation is consistent to how you feel about the character everything is fine”.

i think, especially, when you’re writing fanfiction that these are things that you keep in mind! when characterising characters, i can’t personally tell you whether how you feel and thus write about them is ‘correct’ or not! no one can, because the lens of which you read and write them is dependent on your whole life worth of experiences!! and this is fine!! you don’t have to write characters exactly as they are in canon, and in all honestly no one truly expects you too. people read fanfiction because they want other interpretations of a story/characters that they love!! as long your characterisation is consistent to you, rather than realistic to someone else’s standards i think you’ll be okay!

now, posting on ao3 is always a double edged sword, and once again, i totally get where you’re coming from. i think everyone who posts semi frequently has a work that they love, which gets barely any attention, and other works that maybe are more of a joke or a quick thing that do surprisingly well. sadly, you can’t force readers or engagement, you can only put your stuff out and hope. if your numbers seem small and the engagement does seem low in comparison to other people, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong and as hard as that is to internalise or believe, please trust me on this!! i’ve read many a fic with barely any interaction and they’ve been brilliant, likewise i’ve read a lot of fic with a whole bunch of engagement that i personally didn’t enjoy.

a quick initial solution that helped me when seeing numbers really started to bog me down was using the site skin that removed all statistics from every work, my own included. this meant that i could still read fics, but i wouldn’t see anyones numbers, and it also meant when i went on my own page i was forced to look at my works for what they’re about rather than how “well or not” they did by numbers.

another thing that really helped me was advice from a tiktok i can’t currently find which basically said: “30, 60, 100 views might not seem like a lot on the internet, but imagine if that many people walked into your room and saw what you’ve created. they chose to come and see what you’ve created. 15, 40, 60 likes may not feel like a lot but imagine if that many people who had walked into your room to see what you’ve created and told you they liked your work. it would be pretty overwhelming.” i think there’s a really important message in that tiktok. every view, every kudo, comment and bookmark — even if it’s few — is an individual who chose to take a look at your work! they wanted to read it! some of them felt brave enough to kudo and tell you they enjoyed it! some of them were even braver and left a comment saying what they enjoyed! sure, it can feel underwhelming in comparison, but people are engaging, people do care and like your work!

the only person your writing has to be ‘good enough’ for is yourself! and if you enjoyed writing it then external numbers are just a bonus, no matter how big or small!! dissatisfaction is natural and expected from time to time, like i said earlier it will pass. sometimes it’s even a good thing, because if you finish something but feel dissatisfied, that might motivate you to write another draft, or redo a section or take a section out or add a section in! as long as this process is because you want to and it’ll make you happier with your work that’s good. if it’s draining it might be a hint that you should take a break from that project and try something else that you enjoy. you can always comeback. and on that note your ao3 and the fics you post there are not set in stone. if one day you decide you want to revamp a fic, do it! that’s allowed! it’s not a printed published fic! just hit that edit button and change at your hearts content. no one will mind! if anything those few people who might love you fic may be super happy that when they reread it, there’s something new or things have changed a bit!!

i’m really lucky that i have a friend that is not only is doing an english degree but writes fanfic herself, and other friends who frequently read fics and hc stuff over shared fandoms, so there’s always someone there to read my stuff — if you’ve got irl friends that are in your fandom spaces that you trust, i say subject yourself to the mortifying ordeal of being known and talk to them about it!! writing fics in isolation can be pretty hard!! online, i think if you’ve got the nerves to handle it (i do not OTL), twitter is a great place to interact with other writers!! my tips are maybe follow some of your fave writers and try and strike up a conversation?? be wary of the numbers again on twitter!!! similarly, if you do have a tumblr, talk to some of your favourite writers on here, and follow some writing/ao3 based blogs to see whose in the community! apparently there’s even discords for writers these days, so if you’re up to it that’s a great shout. if we’re in overlapping fandoms i love hearing people’s hcs so you can always throw them at me here or on my writing blog!!

i’m sorry that my reply got so long!! i hope that in some way it helps you even a little!! i’m sure you’re writing is pretty amazing and that it’s only going to get better the more you read and write!! have a great day nonny, and good luck, you can push through this!! 💗

[if-only-angels-could-prevail]

Act 1

Evan Hansen is a teenager diagnosed with social anxiety. His therapist recommends that he write letters to himself detailing what will be good about each day. His mother, Heidi, suggests that he make new friends in senior year at high school by asking people to sign the cast on his arm.

Meanwhile, in the wealthy Murphy family — Cynthia, Larry, and their children Zoe and Connor — Zoe and Larry berate Connor for getting high before school, while Cynthia struggles with the fact that her family is falling apart. The two mothers wonder how to connect with their sons ("All Or Nothing”).

At school, Evan meets Alana, a precocious but somewhat self-absorbed classmate, and Jared, his only (family) friend. Both Alana and Jared notice his broken arm, but neither signs his cast. Evan then runs into Connor, who interprets Evan's awkwardness as making fun of him, resulting in Connor's pushing Evan to the ground. Connor's sister Zoe, whom Evan has a crush on, feels obligated to apologize for her brother's behavior. Evan wonders if this is his destiny — to be ignored and an outcast — for the rest of his life ("I Walk Alone").

Evan writes another letter to himself, wondering whether anyone would notice if he were not there. All his hope is focused on Zoe, since his crush on her is the only thing that brings him happiness ("I Walk Alone" (Reprise #1)). He encounters Connor again, who now offers to sign Evan's cast. Connor reads Evan's letter and becomes furious at the mention of Zoe, thinking Evan intended for him to see the letter in order to make fun of him. He storms out, taking the letter with him.

Evan is in an intense state of anxiety over what Connor might have done with the letter, and tells Jared online about his assignment to write letters to himself. Evan is called to the principal's office and is told that Connor died by suicide days before, with Evan's letter found in his pocket, which they believe is a suicide note addressed to him.

Evan goes to Connor's house for dinner. Jared had instructed him to "nod and confirm" to avoid making things worse, but Evan is awkward and uncomfortable and he lies, pretending he and Connor had been best friends, emailing each other from a secret account. The Murphys don't question this because Mr. Murphy had been monitoring Connor's real account. Zoe and Cynthia get into an argument, and Evan jumps in, recounting a fictional version of the day he broke his arm at an abandoned apple orchard the Murphys had visited ("If I Could Turn Back Time"). When Evan gets home, Heidi mentions hearing about Connor's death, but Evan tells her not to worry and that he didn't know Connor. After realizing he needs evidence of his supposed "secret email account", Evan enlists Jared's help in creating fake, backdated email conversations between himself and Connor ("Heart of Stone").

After Evan shows the Murphy family Connor's "emails", Cynthia is ecstatic that her son had a friend, but Larry is hurt that Connor took his family and his privileged life for granted. Cynthia tries to show Zoe the emails, but they argue again. Zoe still refuses to mourn Connor ("Strong Enough"). Despite this, after reading the "suicide note", Zoe notices that she is mentioned and asks Evan why Connor would say that about her. Evan, unable to tell her the truth, tells her all the reasons he loves her under the guise of Connor saying them ("I Got You Babe"). Overcome with emotion, he impulsively kisses Zoe, but she pulls away and tells him to leave.

At school, Evan and Alana notice that people are starting to forget about Connor, so Evan enlists Alana and Jared's help in founding "The Connor Project" to keep Connor's memory alive. The three pitch the idea to the Murphys, who agree to support the project ("Love Is A Lonely Place Without You"). Moved by his dedication, Cynthia gives Evan a necktie she had gotten for Connor that he had never worn and asks Evan to wear it when he speaks at Connor's memorial service. At the official launch of The Connor Project, Evan gives an inspiring speech about his loneliness and friendship with Connor, which goes viral. Zoe, overcome by the impact her brother and Evan have had, kisses him ("Song For The Lonely").

Act 2

Evan and Alana pitch a fundraising idea on The Connor Project's website, to raise $50,000 to reopen the abandoned apple orchard where Evan and Connor supposedly spent time. However, Evan becomes preoccupied with his new relationship with Zoe and his newfound family in the Murphys, and begins to neglect his mother, Jared, and The Connor Project ("Heart of Stone" (Reprise)).

Heidi asks Evan why he did not tell her about The Connor Project or about his friendship with Connor. He angrily responds that he did not have the time because she is never around. Overcome with emotion, he rushes off to the Murphys, where Evan bonds with Larry Murphy and confides in him about his childhood. Larry offers him an old baseball glove of Connor's that was never used ("Living In A House Divided"). Later, when Evan begins to mention Connor, Zoe tells him that she does not want their relationship to be about Connor, but about the two of them ("All I Ever Need Is You").

Evan goes to the Murphys, only to discover they invited Heidi for dinner. She is mortified to learn they want to give Evan Connor's college fund. At home, Heidi and Evan fight over his secrecy and deception, with Evan confessing that he feels welcomed and accepted into the Murphy family because of Heidi's absence. Meanwhile, Alana begins to find inconsistencies in the fake emails. Evan asks Jared to help fix the inaccuracies, but Jared refuses and threatens to expose Evan, who counters that he could expose Jared's role. Heidi, Alana, and Jared converge in Evan's conscience, compounding his guilt and doubt over his decisions ("Lie To Me").

Evan decides he has to confess to what he has done. Imaginary Connor attempts to talk him out of it, but Evan shouts that he needs the whole thing to be over. Connor tells him that if he tells the truth, all he has will be gone, and the only thing he will be left with is himself ("If I Could Turn Back Time" (Reprise)). He disappears, leaving Evan alone.

Evan apologizes to Alana, but she has given up on Evan's help with The Connor Project as she doubts the truth of his statements that he was Connor's best friend. Evan shows her the letter to himself that he wrote when he was giving up on having a good year, claiming it to be Connor's suicide note. Realizing that the letter is the key to fulfilling the fundraising goal, Alana posts it online where, to Evan's chagrin, it goes viral. As a result, many people begin to believe Connor's suicide was because of his uncaring, wealthy parents ("Song For The Lonely" (Reprise)).

The Murphys have become the targets of hateful comments because people believe they were responsible for Connor's death. Evan, distraught, walks in on the Murphys fighting about why Connor really killed himself. Evan admits his fabrication, hopeful that he could forge a genuine bond with the Murphys out of the tragedy. As Zoe and her mother tearfully leave, Larry turns away from Evan in disgust. Alone once more, Evan absorbs his perceived brokenness as inescapable ("I Hope You Find It").

Heidi saw the letter online and knew that it was one of Evan's therapy assignments. She apologizes to Evan for not seeing how badly he had been hurting, though Evan denies her guilt due to his deception. He vaguely admits that his fall from the tree was a suicide attempt. Heidi recalls the day that his father moved out and did not know how she was going to make it by herself. In the end, she realized that she was not alone – she had Evan and knew that the two of them could survive anything so long as they were together. Tearfully, Heidi promises that she will always be there for him when he needs her ("You Haven’t Seen The Last of Me").

A year later, Evan is still living at home and working at Pottery Barn to earn enough money to go to college the next semester. He contacts Zoe, whom he has not seen since she found out the truth, and asks her to meet him. She insists that they meet at the orchard that has been reopened in Connor's memory. He apologizes for the pain he caused by manipulating her family and admits that he has been reading Connor's ten favorite books in an attempt to connect with who he really was. He thanks her and her parents for keeping his secret and reveals that they never told anyone else that his friendship with Connor was a lie. She forgives him, saying the ordeal brought her family closer together because "everyone needed it for something." Evan asks her why she insisted on meeting at the orchard, and she replies that she wanted to be sure he saw it, and the two share a gentle moment before they part. Evan mentally writes himself one last letter reflecting on the impact he has had on his community and finally accepts himself ("Starting Over").

[blelt]

Reflection

I always enjoy reading my past works. I get an opportunity to rediscover who I used to be and notice how much I have grown and changed since I wrote the piece. It was especially enjoyable for me to read the ideas I had in an academic but still personal setting, unlike my journals which are purely personal. From revising these assignments, I have found that I value respecting my present, my past, and my future.

https://blelt.tumblr.com/post/611617652632420352/keys-to-a-memingful-life

The first assignment in which we discussed what constitutes a meaningful life, I noticed that my definitions and descriptions all focused on the Now of life. In this assignment, I focused on finding meaning in taking care of the three aspects of your humanity in ways which one could achieve in a short timeframe which would set them up for later success. In the first assignment I showed why I believe taking care of your present self now is important. This was somewhat challenging because it required truth to be authentic, and the truth requires “the mortifying ordeal of being known” (Tim Kreider, New York Times). Fortunately, opening myself up in the first assignment laid the groundwork for full honesty and authenticity in the other assignments.

https://blelt.tumblr.com/post/611225896036253696/a-tree-grows-in-brooklyn

I chose to discuss A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith, for the second assignment. This is my favorite piece of literature, and I tend to bring it into any discussion relating to literature (AP Literature Essay, Senior Scrapbook, Assignment 1, 2, and 4 and so on). This book and my love for it represents my love for my past, both my past situation, and my past self. The analysis and synthesis of the book to my life demonstrates my belief that meaning is found when one has taken the time to get to know and respect their past self. This was the assignment that gave us more freedom regarding the format of the piece, and I believe that my simple choice of podcast was the right decision. The only challenge regarding a podcast was I wanted an authentic podcast setting, so I recorded it at the rec center one morning, and some of my friends found me while I was recording it. They were very judgy of my work and of my reading, but it worked out in the end.

https://blelt.tumblr.com/post/611673275670609920/bringing-meaning-to-others-lives

The third assignment reflects my belief that you are remembered by what you leave behind, so you had better leave something meaningful. It also shows the value I place on community. My project proposal forms a place for people to both form a sense of community and creates an opportunity for people to leave something meaningful behind. I hope that this specific assignment is the one that reaches the most people, as it has to do more with people who are not me than the other assignments that I have completed. People can certainly take my advice from the first assignment and enjoy listening to me read an excerpt from a book, but this project is meant to affect a large audience.

This set of assignments, and reflecting on this set of assignments, has led me to recognize the importance of finding and doing meaningful things in one’s life. This knowledge, partnered with consideration of my future in the Honors 102 class, makes me realize that any project I try to pursue in the next eight weeks must contain some sort of meaning. A project that is done just for a project's sake, or lucrative in nature is not one worth putting time and effort into. I must select and design a project that will have intrinsic value to me and to those around me, maybe even to the world.