#sometimes i get so mad idk sad? im like damn i want this to b my favorite game ever but theres so much tedious stupid shit

[dsgustng]

Thinks Abt new horizons

[yarrowleef]

Read Darkness Within all in one sitting last night and then passed out so here are my scattered thoughts i wrote down as i read, (afterthoughts in parenthesis)

Darkness Within Spoilers, obv

UGH GOD THE SECOND HAND EMBARRESMENT FROM SQUIRREL FAKE FLIRTING WITH ASHFUR IT HURTS

Just remembered Sandynose died and got a small boost of happiness (will Hawkwing and Plumwillow ever be allowed to talk again now? I mean probly not b/c they aren’t protags and non-protags don’t rly have friends but I can hope. Sorry, Hawkwhing and Plumwillow’s short-lived friendship in Hawkwings Journey was one of the last times I felt something)

Ghost fleas lol

Mothwing: i’m rude now. (but more importantly, Fuck Tigerheartstar for forcing his son to be around the cat that hurt him so badly, like he HAS to know how upset everyone is regarding Shadowsight and his accidentally helping the imposter, and he’s making him be the sole one to tend to him??? There is NO REASON Puddleshine couldn’t have done it. You think Puddleshine is going to try and murder someone?? )

Oh no don't make this a traveling book, and a ROOTBRISTLE traveling book this is going to be insufferable

BACON AND EGGS

Lightleap Is Good (Hey didn’t Shadowsight have another sister? lets be real we all knew Pouncekit was going to end up as the forgettable 3rd one)

Bristlefrost’s crush continues to feel unnatural to me. It’s like she’s grasping at straws romanticizing the most generic things.....wow....I love how ur just so...bare minimum competent....being polite to the loner we came all this way to ask for help like any somewhat reasonable person would....How admirable...I love the way you just *clenches fist* exhibit some basic traits of loyalty and skill that literally every warrior has (I s2g I’m this close to head canon-ing Bristle as a clueless aromantic who doesn't understand what romance is actually suppose to feel like so she just looks at feelings of low-bar admiration and assumes “oh I guess this is that “romantic attraction” everyone’s always talking about? guess I must be in love???” because both her crushes have felt out of nowhere and like. Idk fake/forced sounding like she’s just telling me that that she’s In Love Now while I continue to not actually feel it at all from her end. I know it’s just that I hate the way Erin’s write female characters in love but this head-canon makes me laugh)

Got scared because I thought they were going to villainize Spotfur for not wanting kits for a minute, but also excited at the concept of maybe exploring a female character that doesn’t want to be a mother, but it turns out she was just pulling a Sparkpelt and actually DID want the kits all along and was only hesitant because she’s sad. Shrug oh well.  (the only female character in warriors that was distinctly upset about pregnancy and motherhood was Lizardstripe and as we all know she was eeeeeevil and abusive and “overly ambitious” because why else would you not come around to being happy about motherhood?? YES I’M STILL SALTY ABOUT YELLOWFANG’S SECRET, BAD BOOK)  Whatever it’s fine so long as Spot doesn’t lose her rebel leader spirit forever and default to “soft mom” personality for the rest of her life, I gotta have hope because I actually like Bristle and Spot’s current relationship. Also I am actually very grateful they never made Bristle resentful at Spot for getting with her crush, as lots of middle grade/YA media has a very bad habit of demonizing female romantic “competition” and its super gross, so I rly do like that Bristlefrost is so protective and caring towards her instead. )

This series is trying to tell me that Rootspring is actually Big but I refuse to accept that. he has dumb scrawny bitch energy and we all know it

Sunrise: “Thunderclan may be better with a new leader” lol go off (i mean........they right tho...It’s unfortunate that the tension in this whole plot is a bit dampened by the fact that i DO in fact want bramble to die v badly. I don’t even have special hatred for him, I’m just bored of him.)

Yes Lionblaze beat the shit out of Ashfur

*HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUCKED!!!! (I wrote this in reference to the ghost summoning scene, this was all I could manage at the time, that scene was WILD and I am VIBING WITH THE HORROR OF IT ALL)

* Brashfur: Oh yeah? Could Ashfur fake THIS? *stands up with slightly better posture* Shadowsight: oh damn you got me there...... (asdfhhfhhgh im sorry that was really funny, how did that prove anything?? ONLY A ~REAL~ WARRIOR COULD STAND UP STRAIGHT WE ALL KNOW ASHFUR IS INCAPABLE OF GOOD POSTURE!)

End of the book: *LAUGHING NERVOUSLY* WHAT THE FUCK??? (I thought he was just gonna kill Squirrelflight right there holy shit can you imagine the RIOTS that would ensue in the wake of all this Squirrel/Bramble discourse I was so scared for a second.  

 But it’s fine, she just....went to super hell instead......Warriors has come so far lmao WHAT IS HAPPENING

Final Notes:

*On Mothwing, I don’t think her behavior struck me as “CHARACTER BUTCHERING” as much as it did for other people? I mean.....Warriors fans will say that literally any time a character does ANYTHING less then perfectly nice I think her actions just seemed that much harsher because we are reading from Shadowsight’s POV, and Shadowsight is taking everything 10x more personally right now (understandably so, but Mothwing isn’t inside his head) she wasn’t trying to hurt him. Also... like... Shadowsight DID get his name too early. It’s not Mothwing’s job to put his feelings above everything else, she’s not even his mentor, Puddleshine on the other hand, as his main mentor, I don’t understand what his deal is ignoring Shadowsight, that’s not how you help an apprentice but I suppose I chalk many of his mistakes up to also not being the most experienced medicine cat (he barely even had his own mentor.) Maybe he’s distant because he feels guilty and actually blames himself for not guiding Shadowsight better?? the two of them haven’t communicated about it yet so idk

 any way I give Mothwing a pass to be a little short tempered right now as a cat who has had her abilities periodically questioned all her life no matter how hard she works or how much experience she has, just because she doesn’t vibe with the spiritual cult side of the clans, I can understand why she’s a bit defensive of being questioned and frustrated watching so much hurt happen Yet Again due to reliance on StarClan visions over common sense, and I for one still stan her for slandering StarClan and refusing to accept Mistystar’s bullshit banishing like everyone else. Sometimes a character is at the end of their rope and can’t manage to be 100% nice 24/7 and that’s maybe not inherently bad writing? idk just my hot take. At a certain point we all gotta reckon with the fact that our perception of most popular supporting characters in heavily colored by fanon and we can’t always get mad at the authors for not adhering to it

*The sisters magic shit is my fav worldbuilding warriors has had in AGES, I love the way it’s described and it actually feels like it adds something to this world. I love this horror imagery with the ghosts, very excited for that. 

*still won’t be thrilled if Ashfur is working alone, because his motive doesn’t make sense right now. I mean the trying to get Squilf thing, sure, whatever, but the “I will make everyone pay for what they did to me”???? cause like?? Who??? they didn’t do anything to him?? Ashfur’s grievance was very specifically JUST Squilf. He has no other cause for revenge, he had no other beef or complaints about the clans to my knowledge? The cat that killed him is dead, and she’s like, the only other one that I could see as having “wronged” him?? I guess he also didn’t like Firestar much according to Graystripe’s Vow (and on account of how willing he was to kill him w/ Hawkfrost) but Firestar is ALSO dead. I don’t understand his angle. Will have to see last 2 books to judge i suppose.

*All in all I am interested to see where this is going!! but also the pacing as I feared is becoming a major issue. It’s better then ending the main conflict on book 3 like Vision of Shadows did, but omg. Hardly anything happened in all these pages. I realized I was over half way through and nothing about the situation had actually CHANGED or advanced at all in all that time. Similar to the past 2 books which I believe could have been combined, this plot felt like it should have been the first half of a book. Discussing whether or not to kill the imposter isn’t much of a standalone plot, it’s just the set up to a plot. Finding the sisters didn’t need to be a whole long thing, the debates about the Imposters fate didn’t need to be repeated 10 times, all those chapters illustrating that “Shadowsight is sad” were also drawn out, repetitive, and interchangeable, we probably only needed 2 or so chapters showing his struggles to get the necessary information across. It felt like a lot of padding, it was really slow and I did a lot of skimming. I am still very interested in the overarching plot and mystery behind the ghosts so that kept me reading but man this “will they won’t they kill him” plot did not justify it’s own whole book. Alas this is a persisting issue that will never be resolved while they continue to force 6 books into 1 series that doesn’t need 6 books. I’m sure the writers are doing the best they can with these unfortunate constraints but still, it’s a wonder this slow padding isn’t more of a detriment to their younger readers that the books are supposed to be marketed to.

[laikuh]

Okay 2 questions:

1. Is john the one that go still introduces Dean to hunting or does he come into that another way? Could add twisty dark.

2. Sam? Still goes to Stanford or... what’s his relationship to hunting and Dean and... john?

You are so damn amazingggggggggg

a) you are way too kind. im experiencing an ~extreme bought of depression~ and this has been a real balm.

b) OKAY SO

my thinking around this is that after the fire, john probably spends the year with sam and a mute dean (per his journals) until he loses his shit over mary’s death and the demon, and starts traveling around with a toddler and a nonverbal kindergartner, and a teacher actually doing their job reports suspected abuse and cps gets involved and removes the kids from john. dean and sam go into foster care. im only going this route bc i can’t think of a legit reason why they wouldn’t know john if someone like bobby had stepped in.

dean and sam grow up in foster care, and i’d keep them together for this fic bc it makes me too sad to think about them being split up. but i imagine dean stays selectively mute through his early elementary years, and that he represses a lot of his life before getting into foster care. he doesn’t remember who his father is or what he looks like, and he has nightmares about his mother on fire. dean grows up believing that there really are things that go bump in the night bc he’s got the body memory of what happened, even if not the mental memory. 

bc dean grows up sensitive and hard at the same time, open to the impossible and deeply in his own head except for sam and caring for and loving sam, he ends up in some terrible situation where he learns about monsters independently of his experiences with john, and gets into hunting as soon as he ages out of foster care. he picks up all the same skills he did with john in canon, credit card scams, hustling pool, maybe even sex work idk. point is, he’d get by. he’d live out of his car and motels, just like in canon. he’d see sam as often as possible, but aging out four years early means he can’t care for sam like he did before. maybe even it’s at this point that sam gets adopted by a soccer coach. this is a huge pain point for dean, who would lean even further into hunting. 

sam would then just live the life he wanted in canon. he’d have more stability, more motivation to build a life for himself. he goes to standford. dean visits him sometimes. it’s not like “what is and what should never be” they aren’t completely distanced, but it’s also not like canon. idk whether or not the events of s1-2 still happen or not. deal with that later. this could be a totally au sort of deal where mary is still killed by a demon, but it’s more run of the mill. demons just being awful and possessing people for shits and giggles (like bobby’s wife). but all of this to say, sam doesn’t hunt. maybe he knows about it, bc dean can’t lie to him, so he knows what dean does. but he has no reference point for john or mary. 

i have to also think more about how dean feels when he learns who john is. like, what kind of image does he have of his father in his mind? is he mad at his father, whoever he may be, for just letting the state take them away? is he grateful he wasn’t raised by such a piece of shit who couldn’t even take care of his own family? is he sympathetic that john was just doing his best, trying to hold things together when the state got in the way? how’s he going to feel when this man he’s never known, this man he’s hated/loved/despised/ached for is the man he’s been fucking for the last year? how does dean reconcile all of that?

or is there where the intense angst comes in because dean doesn’t know HOW to deal with any of that, so he just dips further into fucking john to see if he can force a reaction out of himself. force himself to feel some definitive way about what they’re doing? and of course all of this would be mirrored by john. just fucking each other on some next level autopilot, drinking too much, until they figure out what to do. 

because the thing is, they both still crave above all else their family back. dean is still the dean we know and love from canon, desperate to keep the three of them together. i can see them just trying to have their cake and eat it too and not think much about what any of it means bc all they want is each other, so they just act instead of think. dean sells his car, starts traveling with john. doesn’t call him dad, still fucks him when they’re too keyed up to sleep, and it doesn’t have the same lightness it used to, but it’s still good so good and it’s enough. 

it’s enough to hunt together and kill together and sit in dark bars with their feet touching under the table. it’s enough to book rooms with one bed and just feel together and kiss and touch and hold each other after, because even if some of the joy is gone, there’s a new intensity, a new passion, a new meaning. they’re just not going to look too closely at why. 

[noukeeeh]

aight so, I will try to do a little breakdown of the lyrics of better and what vibes they give off/ what they make me think of (warning: I’m on crack and a ziam stan)

Hope I only leave good vibes on your living room floor    ---what have you been doing on this floor Zayn? also- strong beginning and could be a reference to bedroom floor :0. But this has a soft i miss u vibe.

It hurts so bad that I didn't when you asked for more ----> Ok so this is an interesting line, what was it “you” wanted that z didn’t? a relationship? a marriage? a baby? coming out? or is it not about their relationships but another thing in life? I’m leaving this up in the air.

Your dad probably loves me more than he ever did now  

This line begs the question: What time is the stage for this song? are these current problems for Zayn or is this about old times? and why the love of the dad?

'Cause I finally got out  -what is it that zayn got out of? One Direction??? Why would this dad be happy about that?

Yeah, we finally knocked down --- interesting use of we especially taking into account that Z&G didn’t hang out while Z was part of 1D? so why would Z leaving 1D make her dad happier and would change something for their relationship? unless........

'Cause sometimes it's better that way Gotta let it go so your heart don't break 'Cause I love you Yeah, baby, I love you  Ok so I’m taking these together, taking into account that ‘got out’ means leaving 1D, why does this sound like an explanation for doing that or like breaking up? ‘it’s better that way, gotta let it go’ this sounds like a sorry i left the band i had to do it for our relationship, esp with the LOUD i love you, why would he say that to gigi? anyways....

Just this one time, hear what I'm tryna say Know you might not feel quite the same way But I love you I tell you, I love you 

Here’s where it gets kinda sad, i guess the “you” was mad and the relationship hit a rough patch where Z has to reassure them he is still in love with them, as a follow up to the leaving thing, again with the LOUD i love you.....

Why? Why wait to fight? Give it a try

Or I'll say goodbye while it's right

Ok so this makes me cry man, the way he’s begging the ‘you’ to not give up on them and to fight..... damn, then also, could there possibly be a double meaning to fight? I mean yeah the fight for their relationship, but maybe,,, also the fight for freedom? idk im just sayin......

Can we save tears in your eyes? I'm making you cry Why wait to hate, can we save love?

whoop the sadness is increasing damn, this also feels like a horrible hopeless situation you know, when no matter how hard you try you won’t get everything you want. What i don’t get is the use of wait. why would the “you” wait and what are they waiting for then? could it b waiting till they’re free? idk my guys but it sure as hell is painful.

I fell in, I'm falling, I'm for you I can't let you fall through the floor too It's a gamble to take any more of you (It's a gamble to take-take more you)

Here’s where it seems like Zayn has given up on their relationship to protect the “you” but does confirm that he still is head over heels for the other person also, note the reference to falling often used in Icarus Falls (I don’t mind falling, if it means I get to fly again) But also! the FOR YOU reference hmm. But anyways, these lines seem to be about zayn not wanting to destroy his lover with his love, poetic.

Still in my mind sometimes, I must admit it Like it's a crime on trial, I got acquitted Me and you wasn't meant, we wasn't fitted Like it's a glove, I hated to admit it

Ok so according to a contributor on genius this is a reference to the OJ simpson trial in which the gloves didn’t fit. This part throws me on a loop because on one hand he’s still thinking about “it” which is most likely their failed relationship. But then he says he was acquitted or his crime, which means found not guilty, so is that about the relationship not failing after all or about it not being his fault the relationship failed? I’m guessing the latter because after that he says the gloves didn’t fit, it just wasn’t meant to be, which is, whew, painful. Interesting notion: do the gloves not fitting mean OJ didn’t do it? No, actually many people still believe he got away with it, so, did Z and “you” actually not fit or was that what they were told?

'Cause obviously, we go back So why would we ruin that?

First i was like wtf does this mean but babes!! this is literally the plot of a friends to lovers au??? we go back: we’ve known eachother for a long time before that, we shouldn’t ruin that friendship by taking a chance at love wowie. Anyways Itunes Vegas 2012 vibes......

In too deep, we're rearranged Now you wanna ask for names

Oh no they’re in too deep now and their friendship has changed and their relationship has rearranged! And the other person wants to give it a name? call it a relationship? :0 damn

We can't let this fruit go bad Sayin' things we can't take back In too deep, we're rearranged Say you feel the same

How loud does he need to be!!!!! anyways please say you want us to be more than friends too, our friendship will be ruined anyway.

Why? Why wait to fight? Give it a try Or I'll say goodbye while it's right Can we save tears in your eyes? I'm watching you cry Why wait to hate, can we save love?

Ok so I already went over this chorus, the only notable change is from making to watching you cry, which idk what that signifies but its notable.

All in all. Zayns new single is a heartbroken one which contains a couple messages but i guess mostly doubts about  his relationship and whether the other person wants to fight for it, with a couple references to the past. Interesting is that, while he explains they probably weren’t meant to be in the first place, or were told they weren’t meant to be, he still follows that verse up with a love confession where he begs them to say they feel the same? plus the loud I love you’s don’t really make this a break-up song.

Now this begs the question... wHy would he release this desperate song when he JUST had a baby? Isn’t he supposed to be at his happiest right now? Also zigi started dating quite as fast as they met so,,,,,, this is not about them........

Conclusion: This is a ziam song sorry not sorry guys

[sentiniel-butitgetsworse]

rwde

highly unpolished, awful explanation, but scene-by-scene commentary of unbridled annoyance and rage. read at your own peril.

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so the episode opens with a fight scene. sweet! cool! but its so badly staged, sometimes you have no idea what is happening the first time round. it’s crowded and messy, not a very good look? im talking about grim being hid behind ice while the camera is panning and hitting some trees when we’re literally panning out to show someone else in focus DESPITE THE FACT THEIR MITIGATION SHOULD BE FRONT AND CENTER TO LET US KNOW IT HAPPENED CLEARLY. legit! there’s the one where nora shoots at a grim and the shell explodes into black dust and the grim is gone. did it die? grim dont usually die by fuckin smoke but this one sure fuckin did i guess ‘cause i literally dont know what happened to it? no recoil and fall, just deleted and hid behind some 2d-lookin smoke! sure! why not?!?!!!?

s/o to the white/rose speedy thing that had no reason to be there and yet they did it

---

then there was the “adam ruins everything” segment where he literally just murders? everyone? like i get that its off screen for the younger audiences but also like he fucking murders everyone. literally! did i miss something? is it a good tactic now? did they think it was very villainous of him to murder people??????? god bring me back to the beginning when he actually has a good character reason for why faunus would follow him into revolution because this adam taurus is so bad he’s worth flushing down the drain for.

“tHe BeLlAdOnnA nAme HaS bRoUgHt Me NoThINg BUt gRiEf”

also that opening shot where adam is proud. jfc what? is he even part of salem’s crew anymore? was the Adam short supposed to tell us he isnt? is anyone reviewing this and thinking 100% it’s a good idea?????

wait why is this scene even second? that’s a really awkward position to put it in the whole episode? honestly? like it kinda underlines how awkward a villain adam really is; it has no build up, no reason to be there. sure, the audience is hungry to know what happened to adam, but there’s legitimately no reason to put it as the second scene in the episode, there’s no context??????

callout post for this scene because its literally just voicelines while panning slowly through the bottom floor of the room. and the blood only shows up later??? also is the white fang only comprised of like 7 people now??? isnt it a globally feared organization (ie. isis)????

---

there are two bodyguards for the train. two? two. and for some reason they’re asking for dlc to provide more/personal protection? hello, did i miss something? anyone thought it was a good idea? what class of transportation did they get? if it was dangerous enough that on a train ride they’d need people to guard the journey it wouldn’t even be built there? or what, did they get a max-luxury, train ride with insurance kinda deal? and it had two (2) bodyguards? two (2)!!!!! or was it in the middle of the road??? i may have enough context for the environment but none on economy of this place i swear

“hey ladies we’ll protect you wink” jaune and lie ren literally sitting one (1) feet away not saying anything, could be everyone’s moment to justify “hey we’re literally huntsman despite being kids, we know what we’re doing” but qrow has to step in and apparently his  credentials would ward off some bodyguards???? like “hi yes sorry im the dad of literally 8 kids, i can protect them all” not a convincing argument here bud

illia deserves more time on screen and also closure because neptune fuckin hit on her and that’s obviously enough to change scenes right

also neptune being “you really gonna let her go? l:/” feels like he’s salty instead of wukong tbh; wukong feels/sounds like the literal i can do anything kinda guy -- which he is in mythology and probably in universe (except for intelligence i guess, despite the fact he literally outsmarts his opponents through a lot of his mythos) so i dont mind him being let off the hook, but any hesitation implied during this scene? weak

illia building up to kiss but hugging blake instead, but blake kissing wk on the cheek straight up on camera yo really

---

blake emos in the corner and because its queued up right after the wk/neptune scene its not a far fetch to say she’s emo-ing about wk but turns out its yang? would’ve preferred the setup to be stronger (blake watches yang get on the bed and feels sad/regret, zoom in on yang’s arm to show the audience but not tell them)

i give props to blake being shown “wait leme get that for you” real out the way though, because it underlines properly that blake feels ridiculously bad and wants to do something to make up for yang. good characterization/storytelling!

then they break it w/ like a 30s scene of yang and blake making up almost immediately with a “oh everyone will feel better about it soon :)” BRUH SHE GUILTY BOUT YOUR FUCKIN ARM BITCH CUT BACK TO REALITY DAMN the running away part is sincerely legitimate but also??? blake should be a/ more anxious than that and b/ be more worried about???? yang’s arm??????? for real m8

---

“dont let anyone else die” a/ assumes the bodyguard trying to defend the train literally died and b/ also really fell flat? as a line? get something better...????

genuine dislike for the tactic of qrow fights the Big Boss and everyone gets a handful of weaklings; to stall? possible. but also just feels like a bad tactic overall? also their animations always look like they’re doing an rpg battle; one ability used + animation! then return to original position. that’s a big fallacy of fighting monty oum style and i genuinely hope they recognize it soon

“YOU’RE ATTRACTING THE GRIM TO THE PASSENGERS” ??? i get the part where leading them to the back of the train may help (having them all divided in sections [grim + hunters, passengers, front of train respectively] may help but how does automation attract grim again? like, turrets shooting at them would do so if they’re in range, and they all came from the back so they’d move along towards the middle, but also they wouldn’t continue moving forward? i guess? what im saying is they should really just be around jnxr + oscar instead of way forward in front

when the bodyguard tried to get into the train and barely made it, that SNAP sound was just. raw. i felt that. good! i was very scared/horrified/eager to see if they’d literally break off his arm and he’d just be lying there in a pool of blood or something in shock. he didnt because of aura and i don’t know what to say because a/ it definitely wouldn’t be a bruise and b/ if he had aura and was in the bodyguarding business, wouldn’t he also have a proper semblance to fight off grim most likely? and he aint using it so why he so confident for dlc earlier the heck

bumblebee looks back to the carriage and one lady’s just with her baby like a cheap heartstrings tug

“WHY WON’T YOU TELL US THAT” yang’s line here assumes that they’ve asked about it before and ozpin/oscar refused to answer. i disagree? i think it works better with “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US THAT?” because it definitely was a factor they’d all have to take into account with regards to travelling w/ it in the first place. which they are. tbh yang (and jaune in the op) has every right to be mad at him real talk but also change that line please it bothered me so much

---

blake sees the hooded adam figure and honestly idk what kind of omen that is but it feels/looks weird. another no context scene i guess. tbh id take that one out of this episode entirely and shuffle it next episode probably. (and put the adam ruins everything scene at the back of the episode)

grim stop chasing because tunnel. and then they chase the train through the tunnel really slowly? feels weird but okay i fuckin guess; these are just the things im willing to pass on

ren and jaune look at each other like “lets do it” but why does ren? look up? like there’s no extra effects there, its not visible that he’s trying really hard to extend his semblance out. no cool semblance-using eye powers there. it feels kinda cheap for him to do that w/o any additional highlights that he’s activating his aura? also creepy

OH THERE’S THAT SCENE. yang starts off the Big Fight Montage with grabbing the grimm by its horns and then flips it around. cool move! then she promptly punches it up and closes her eyes. what? tbh that was ridiculously weak after a stupid good setup. budget aside i’d say there was an opportunity for a focused choreograph there; instead of a punch up, use a bullet fire up, keeping the enemy’s front half up in the air for a longer period of time. run under, punch/kick the underbelly, bounce off to the side, bullet fire off the side of the train. 

blake cutting off the tail was a good move. rt studios deciding to change shots when the enemy has the same pose, so that we cut to ruby fighting the same kind of grimm is not. it breaks clarity for the viewers, that’s not how matching cuts should work tbh

these big grimm dying in a couple of hits are also just? kinda weak-feeling. like these characters got stronger from rpg levels, but not from actual combat training and learning to outsmart your enemies, or upgrading your weapons. feels cheap.

ruby bouncing around in attempt to kill these grim is kinda cute? which may be what they were trying to do? but also not well choreographed i guess. it doesn’t flow too well, just bounces in seperate spikes.

when weiss redirects the flying grimm to ruby, it feels like its? not clear what she did. was it a semblance/shield? colour that blue, we know she uses white but white on white doesn’t work out well. ruby’s scythe sinking into the grimm also doesn’t work great because you get confusion when the shot is supposed to show it sink into the grimm, but you cant see the scythe blade sink into it. like you could only get it from context after watching it that she sent the grimm flying by doing the above, but dont recognize the action in the moment.

callout post to yang and blake fuckin shooting at nothing when there’s a clear path/shot to ruby and qrow’s big monster.

fireball just kinda looked cheap. there wasn’t a long breathy build up, and the fireball just feels way too fast (camera or distance?); reasonable that qrow would be hit by it, but cheap-feeling in the sense that it shouldn’t have happened/it felt unfair, that it happened. he should’ve gotten knocked on his ass by power/strength and being caught off guard, and it felt like more like “oh no he got knocked down! D:”

HHHHHH WEISS ICE SKATES TO THE GRIM BUT ITS NOT LIKE YOU PAY ATTENTION BECAUSE SOMETHING ELSE CALLS FOR IT AND THEN SHE LEAPS UP TO THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE GRIM. SHE’S WHITE, THE BACKGROUND IS WHITE, YOU LOSE SIGHT OF HER, I LEGIT THOUGHT SHE VANISHED BEHIND THE GRIMM BUT IT WOULDNT MAKE SENSE FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. IN THE NEXT SHOT YOU MAY SEE HER AT THE LEFT BUT HER SEMBLANCE IS BLACK TO MAKE HER STAND OUT MORE BUT THEY DIDNT DO THAT FOR THE PREVIOUS SHOT WHY????????

“YANG!” yang promptly bounces off a grimm that isnt shown to have hurt or is dead from the fight and runs off to the bigger grimm as called. understandable, but the other grimm? is just? there? not dead? not doing anything???

also the we need to ground it idea feels really cheap? the grimm isn’t a problem because of its wings, it’s a problem because it’s being dealt with by one (1) person who decides it’s best fighting it on one (1) front vs two on a train. there’s so many ways to tackle this guy! we know qrow’s capable of jumping onto it, but all he’s doing is that, instead of moving to the other side and maybe catching it off guard?????? qrow, fight fucking better.

s/o to qrow/ruby pulling off a move together, cute but also they should’ve been slicing it at different points of the grimm, because they would’ve just died right away if they both went on the same plane? or anywhere near each other? weapons are fucking dangerous we remember right?

GRIMM LAUNCHES A FIREBALL AND IT GOES ON AN UPWARDS TRAJECTORY. IT DOESNT AND INSTEAD GOES IN AN ARC WHEN IT NEVER NEEDED TO. HERE’S HOW YOU COULD DERAIL THE TRAIN. FIREBALL, MOUNTAIN, AVALANCHE/ROCKSLIDE, TRAIN DESTRUCTION. OLD GRANDMA THAT STUMBLES OUT OF THAT/APPEARS BEHIND THE TEAM AFTERWARDS IS MORE IMPRESSIVE FOR HAVING ADAPTED TO THAT FROM INSIDE THE TRAIN THAN TO JUST SIT THERE AND POP OUT LATER LIKE xD lmao wassup yall?

---

yeah thats it and here’d be the adam ruins everything scene right before the opening but we cant get what we want so w/e

[shinwhoohoo]

ok~ since I don't really have anything to add to your contract post (as always, I agree 100% with what you said) and I don't really like talking about serious stuff (i'm always emo, but for some reason when i say it out loud my sarcastic ass always make it sound like idk about anything even though i'm LEGIT crying when I'm alone in my room or in the bathroom at work god) I was just thinking I could name a couple of random things I just thought about, just to share the love and lift the mood(1/5)

since the break up I couldn’t really listen to their songs without feeling sad so I just didn’t (that was like, what?, 6 months without hearing b1a4), but yesterday I finally had the courage and I’m so happy that I did. before I knew it “because of you” came on and man do I love that song like shinwoo rapping and voice is so on point and everyone sounds so lovely and urghh I was singing along and smiling, and since we are talking about great songs can we talk about the best EP to ever exist(2/5)I’m talking about what’s happening of course, I was going to mention starlight song, but who am I kidding I could talk hours about good love too???? it’s such a good song??? gongchan singing the first lines is pure art. Also I was reading your cnu megapost and you said that you didn’t fall for him right away, and it’s funny cause that’s the mv that did it for me lmao the absurdity of that video, how freaking CUTE they looked, gongchan little curls so adorable, baro and deul being extremely (3/5)funny, jinyoung being awkward ofc and, probably what started my love/want to punch you story with him, that freaking scene with him smiling in prison, like dude seriously? I’M WEAK his perfect little face drives me mad. and lastly, but not least, the long hair styled like that (I really liked those braids i’m sorry lol), the glasses, those playful winks and lip bites.. his beautiful smile idk more than anything else I just found his face really attractive? and while I’ll forever treasure (4/5)and miss those times, I’m ready for new and better things. I guess at the end of the day, I just want shinchandeul to be happy, to remember the past with love like we do but also know that sometimes things don’t go how we plan them and that’s life, we can get mad and cry, but we need to get up again. they will always have our support, i believe in them (that’s it, play road, suddenly i’m an emotional mess again) god this ended up being extra long im so sorry i just got so excited (5/5)

me reading your asks:

the biggest YES ever to all of this, bless you for spreading some much needed positivity and good vibes~

And I literally agree with everything you say here like I’m not even kidding ‘Because of You’ for the longest time was one of my favorite b-sides (I mean it still is one of my faves) and CNU’s rap is so cute and charming in it. Totally underrated everyone should experience how sweet that song is.

And ‘What’s Happening?’ EP?? Literally the best, most cohesive EP they have. It’s always been in my top three albums, sometimes trading places with ‘Good Timing’ album for 2nd place. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON ‘GOOD LOVE’ OH SHIT THOSE TRUMPETS AND SYNTHS GET ME EVERY TIME. Admittedly, I’m partial to ‘How Many Times’ though myself, I think that’s my fave b-side on the EP. I mean ‘Starlight’s Song’ speaks for itself though, literally one of their prettiest tracks. That shit’s just fukin gorgeous and luckily (and unlike ‘Good Love’ and ‘How Many Times’) I feel like ‘Starlight’s Song’ is at least more known and appreciated. Damn that mini was just… gold. I mean ‘What’s Happening’ is and will always be my favorite era so I cannot say a single bad thing about it. There was just so much… good energy and good vibes. So much growth. Ah I gotta stop or I’m going to get emotional now ;;;;

Yeah like while ‘Beautiful Target’ made me fall for them as a group (largely cause of the reasons you listed and lmaoo totally agree about Jinyoung even then with that swarmy smile that was both so handsome yet infuriatingggg) CNU def didn’t grab my attention initially with that MV…. it’s so strange cause you’d think I’d remember the exact moment where it finally clicked and I was like ok I love him he’s my bias but I don’t really… all I know is that it didn’t take too much longer lol by the time 2012 rolled around I was already pretty smitten… *sighs*

Same as far as A3 too… in a perfect world, I just want them to be able to look back fondly on their days as five, as rookies and trainees up until their 7th year anniversary as wonderful times of growth and development, along with friendships that they formed that will never be replaced or forgotten– but in the same vain, I want them to be able to cleanly move forward with no regrets as three, and follow the new paths that they want, knowing that us fans will always be there supporting them~ 

Thanks so much for reading my contract megapost, and for sharing your thoughts here! I’m glad you’re back (and able to listen to Bipo again~), I missed talking to you!! ♡ ♡

[simply-breeee]

August 20th - 2:21am

Sooo I got on here with the intention to type, but I dint know what exactly it was that I wanted to say. Just an FYI my supply was short so I had to mix my ducks.  So far im forgetful, I git the munchies BAD, and I feel groovy. I dont know how far back my supply went, but man its hitting.

So far I've talked to one of my friends. It was a pretty short conversation but you know that better than nothing. I guess he gets a point as far as the contact deleting goes. My other friend has ‘checked’ on me but that because I told him I was deleting snapchat and losing our streak. As far as the conversation has gone, he has asked me why im deleting it - I responded with a mental health check in - he asked why it was I needed one - I gave him two screen shots - its been a day now. He is not getting any points, if anything he should lose some. 

My whole thing is why do people make it so hard to simply check up on their friends. Its not that hard to think of others. I may just be a person that is too good for this world and thats my burden to bare. I care about EVERYONE, like when I say everyone I mean everyone. It stinks sometimes and I dont know if its healthy. Like literally I was on stinky Facebook and I saw some people who have done me so so so so so wrong. Long story short (future Bre - “I lied this story got very out of hand”) my lil bf and I were going through it we ended it on good terms. She was my r-o-d lie for real over my house every week all that. (Okay so she had a hard life and at one point in my life I struggled so of course if I got it then I will share yk.) So when we split me and her got in an argument because she randomly got attitude with me like girl no I am not your n*gga tf ion need to deal with this. So I was like no f that f you f all this and we stopped being cool for a while. 

Anyways we got back cool and I was still cool with the ex right well another sub-story: me, him, her, and another friend went and saw Infinity War together so of course when End Game came out I was like me and you should go see it right. Like it was MY idea and everything. Well my mother was like no you dont need to go with just him, that not a good idea no. So I was like f her and decided im gone uber to my aunts and then uber to the movies right!? 

Well no I was like I need to save money this uber to my aunts already finna be $15-$20 (at the time that was a lot to spend this is high school me), so I told him I couldn't go. Mind you when everything was happening I was texting him and keeping him updated on hat was happening. Y'all tell me how he gone tell my mf best friend, or so I thought, ‘oh Bre is acting like such a b!tch. She lied to me she is a liar idk what she didn't just say she didn't want to go blah blah blah’ and im like damn fr that how he think I rock. Woooooow after 2 years of  dating and thats who you think I am. Like y'all I was real life hurt ESPECIALLY since I kept him posted and was gone sneak to see him. Bro so from there I was like f his and f you. She like why and im like because a someone who has felt with enough people I know that people only talk mess to people when thy are comfortable. If he this comfortable talking this bad on my name with you, it means you have talked bad about me to him so no bye both of y'all ✌🏽.

 I for real left it like that because no and sure enough I was right. That girl  DESPISED me y'all. Like she would intentionally try to do little things to mess with me because I didn't want to be cool with her. Like how sick in the head do you have to be to be mad at me because you did me wrong. So I was like whatever I dont care because I know she won't fight me. That heffa knew I would beat her ass and im glad of it. Soooo to make it even better she goes to my college and my college is relatively small so we've bumped into each other a few times. Ive noticed every time we do she hurry away or looks away, its sad that she is now afraid of me 😬. And yea I still haven't done anything, like literally I haven't once done anything and she went from loving me to hating me to resenting me (another story) to being afraid of me. 

Well moral of the story: listen to your mother about boys, she is usually right. That is unless your mom also dont gone no sense then Idk keep a close eye on everyone around you🤷🏽‍♀️. 

[thatwitchrevan]

Has anyone sent you Carth or Morgana for the headcanon meme?

nope and I’m gonna count this as a prompt so ty.

Carth:

Headcanon A:  realistic

Okay so first off he’s bi. I think we mostly agree on this in the fandom? But yeh. The way he interacts with m!Revan is, from what I’ve seen, almost the same as f!Revan. It doesn’t really matter to him what gender they are. Just. You know. If they decide to save the Republic (again) or betray it (again). 

Also idk how like, meta or canon this is but he totally doubles down on the Lawful Good/Republic forever stuff because of Saul. And Revan but particularly Saul. I’m sure he was mostly that way before but? After Telos he clings to what he knew and believed in even harder to the point that he can’t see the flaws in any of it very well, or at least he’s decided the Jedi Civil War isn’t the time to debate Republic reformation (and also, that’s not his job - he’s just a soldier).

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Okay so he keeps doing that truly terrible flirting (I love it but it’s terrible Carth why) and he’s all like…trying to act tough/macho/smooth but listen…he’s really awkward and soft (or angry…there’s also Angry..and Sad) and there’s like..he’s all talk..he’s an awkward vanilla softy and he knows it why’s he trying to talk big ahdnjhn

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

I love the progress Carth makes in the game and the amount of closure he can potentially get, and you know I love Revanasi, but I can’t imagine he’d ever get over Morgana, or move on from her completely. He shouldn’t have to, honestly…She was so important to him. She was everything. Still is everything, in as much as she can be, because his love for her hasn’t stopped.

And it breaks my heart because he’s always gonna miss her, always gonna have that ghost, and sometimes when he’s with Revan it’ll just hit him how?? lowkey screwed up it is that he’s in love with someone who was complicit in her death maybe? But he can’t call it wrong because they make him happier than he’s ever been since. It’s a really painful mess and it hurts me.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

I have given very little thought to Carth’s family outside of Morgana and Dustil buuuut at some point I got the idea that he had two dads and since then that’s just been my official headcanon. There’s not enough of SW casually being like ‘hey, here’s some gay parents for no reason other than that gay parents exist’ and like. Come on Star Wars get the heteronormativity out of my space fantasy.

Morgana:

Headcanon A:  realistic

She was a damn good mom. Definitely not perfect, but damned if she didn’t do her best. She helped Dustil with school, taught him how to cook, raised him mostly by herself, and did her best to help him understand why his father had to be away so much.

She liked cooking and dancing and kept a pretty neat house. She was very friendly and lively and knew a lot of people, so she was never without friends to spend time with or to come help with Dustil. But she could also be a big grouch sometimes.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

She’s a goofball and has a really cute laugh like. When she’s really laughing she snorts and then giggles with the biggest grin on her face and it’s adorable, you love her instantly.

She once threw a pillow at Carth during an argument because she was mad but didn’t want to hurt him. It hits the floor after bouncing off of him and they both pause. He starts laughing and then she does, and then they’re done fighting and instead theyre kissing and..and stuff

she’s such a mom and Dustil pretends to be embarrassed when she kisses his cheek in front of his friends or holds his hand or asks questions about his little crushes and okay he is a little embarrassed sometimes but he also lowkey loves it, highkey loves her

these are more cute than funny im sorry

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

I think Morgana was very sad a lot of the time. I don’t think she really intended to get married or have a child very young, but she fell in love with Carth and she was happy. Except that he wasn’t always home, and when he wasn’t she had to worry about him and raise their son on her own, while Carth missed everything. And she loved Dustil to death, but she wanted to be a ‘proper’ family, and she never got to have that.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

Morgana kissed a lot of pretty girls when she was a young woman in school and she was the sweet beautiful popular girl that everyone wanted to date…was probably the gay awakening for several kids at least. There were a couple of people that quietly hated Carth due to jealousy when they got together.

[mitarashiarts]

I wanna know ur reasons for loving it so much ;w;

OFC YOU DO LOL. But okay, you opened the floodgates!! Also, I encourage people to talk to me about why they ship ZADR, let’s eXPAND ON THIS SHIT AND DISCUSS IT YO! I’m open to more reasons :DDD I may have missed somethin! 

Now sit down and lemme tell ya Mita’s shitty shipping reasons for ZADR (careful, it’s pretty long).

I’ll start off with different reasons from canon and how I view it as a sort of the foundation where the pairing comes from for me v/w/v

-Zim is seen as a failure, a defect and is literally tricked into a suicide mission to an unknown part of the galaxy with hopes of him never coming back. His own people want him dead and they fuckin hate him. I mean they have good reason as Zim’s a loose fuckin’ cannon and he’s dangerous and cannot seem to understand his own flaws (HEAVY WINK WONKS AT THE IDEA THAT ZIM DOES THIS TO DEFEND HIS FEEFEES ON HIS INSECURITY LOL) Dib is just the class freak that no one listens to and people just treat him like a mentally ill loser that can’t tell fiction from reality. No one wants to associate with him, everything sucks once Dib pitches in during class and he’s just an annoyance. Both are outcasts and no one cares about them, despite the fact that they both have untapped potential to be great (Zim is actually so much more capable than he lets on, he just…gets in his own way. Dib is so much smarter than everyone else, like ridiculously smarter, his interests just aren’t socially acceptable??).

-This actually makes me sad, but it’s very telling in Mopiness of Doom (i know this ep is used a lot for zadr but listen) because they finally found someone who matches them evenly, but the moment Dib gives up on it, they both become miserable. Like to the point that Zim actually does not want to conquer earth, hiS PRIME MISSION THAT HE WAS SO HELLBENT ABOUT!! I guess he doesn’t want his conquest to be easy or smth, but he just stopped tryin. Dib actually earns his father’s respect but it’s not worth it compared to the trials he goes through fighting Zim. Could be argued that his life was pretty boring before Zim came around and who wants to have a normal ass life?? Bitch there’s an aLIEN TO FUCK WITH. Their lives are practically meaningless if they’re not battling this… somewhat worthless fight with one another. It’s not as cute when thinkin about it like that imo… like damn. Part of me feels Jhonen wanted people to see that they are living sad, codependent lives on the enemy that they hate so much and their efforts are trivial compared to, say Dib actually doing ‘real science’ and making something of himself and Zim just… has nothing at all. Sadly humorous i guess?? 

-Branching off the one above, they generally believe the other is a real threat. Zim fully believes that Dib is a capable enemy; an 11 yr old kid. He’s actually evenly matched with a kid (motherfuckin child piloting a planet to fight him tho). He fully sees Dib as someone to tread carefully around and treats him as a worthy opponent despite talkin mad shit about humans 24/7, he knows Dib is the smartest among all the humans. Dib sees Zim as a huge threat too cause he finds observing Zim 24/7 is mandatory to keeping him from fucking up Earth. Sure you can argue the excitement he must feel to finally be able to investigate a live alien, but he truly thinks Zim is someone that needs constant surveillance cause he could destroy earth at any time. Even tho Dib has seen some of Zim’s plots as really stupid, he still knows Zim can be horribly dangerous and treats him as such. 

-I guess this summarizes the top two but they validate one another. Zim validates Dib’s suspicions of paranormal anomalies (Which is his life’s passion??? Like damn???), he validates Dib’s intelligence, his worth to society even if it seems like a useless cause (cause no one fuckin’ cares, why does Dib continue anyways?? Self-righteous as Dib can be he IS trying to keep mankind safe despite them being dicks to him). Dib validates Zim’s existence. And I mean this as in, he validates him as what he SEES himself as; an invader. His own people don’t see him as one, his PAK isn’t issued as one anymore, but he believes himself to be an invader, and so does Dib. Dib pays attention to him, he gives him the recognition he feels he deserves. A nemesis that he can count on to always be there to duke it out with him. SuRE THEY FUCKIN HATE EACH OTHER BUT SERIOUSLY MAN.

-They work well together. This could be said for MANY rivals as they’re often more alike than they’d like to admit. Nothin too different for ZADR cause when they do work together, shit gets done. They hate to admit this kind of thing and they aren’t fans of working with one another, but they do it anyways cause they know the other is capable. When Dib needs help, he will go to Zim if he feels it’s necessary and vice versa. Could argue that they only know each other with working labs or other people are too stupid, but idk, they know the other has the potential to help. Who knows, I like thinking they see the other as somewhat of a frenemy even tho they’d never admit it.

-More of a Dib thing, but that boy is obsessive. He is constantly on Zim’s ass every time. Mentioned before, but he watches him all the time. I mean the comic starts out where Dib literally remained glued to his chair wondering why Zim never left his house, and Zim watched Dib too.They’re stuck on one another, but this is way more of a Dib thing cause he goes out of his fuckin’ way. There’s also the fact that Dib literally goes to Zim’s house to check on him when he hasn’t been around much. He gets genuinely curious where Zim is and finds it odd if he’s not around to be do his usual bullshit. 

I guess that’s like from what I gather from the show as to where the foundation for it comes from. I like to analyze shit a lot so I try to make sense of the pairings I ship. If I can’t see the dynamic work, I probably wouldn’t ship it very hard. So… idk, i see those reasons as enough for the pairing, in my eyes, to work gradually. Some other reasons that stem more from headcanons: 

-I like the idea that as Dib gets older he calms the fuck down. Like not as violent or willing to cut Zim up into pieces. He just more or so acknowledges that Zim’s a weird idiot that’s just there to shake up the day sometimes. I really love the idea of him still entertaining the idea of fighting Zim but not seeing him as much of a threat later on? Like he tries to move on but zim is a constant in his life. Even if he tries to stop completely, he can;t stay away for too long. I enjoy them basically being too invested in one another to just give up. 

-Them knowing one another so well that they just… see through the other all the time. I feel this is a lil more ooc as Zim doesn’t feel the need to actually research or study Dib in the same way that Dib does to him. Like … just years and years of fighting and bickering they become so familiar with it that it’s almost endearing. That kind of bond that’s still settled on hatred but mutual understanding of the other just fucks me up?? Also all their insults becoming endearing terms in a way?? 

-HEIGHT. Bonus because Zim’s race bases so much importance on height. Like height differences is a huuuuge thing for me >w>;;;; I think that just speaks for itself honestly. I like Zim developing a crush on Dib specifically for his height as first like b o y . 

-Human/Alien. IM JUST. I LOVE HUMAN/NONHUMAN SHIT SO MUCH?? That potential of exploring the other’s body, culture, etc?? Always fun. Culture shock and generally not understand customs of another’s race/species is always so fun to me. Like wow, I love how Zim is confused 90 percent of the time over human customs. 

I could probably add more shit. I’D LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS MORE WITH PEOPLE??? 

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 13 - “The Last Check Mark I Need” - NICOLE

IDK WHATS GOING ON. But I don't trust Jared and nicole or Johnny. I think im going I don't wanna wrongly play. But them.not knowing the vote count is sketchy

This entire past tribal went horrible - Vilma went home and she was a huge ally who was very involved in my game, but I found out a few things of her not trusting me so BITCH BYE (jk ilysm) - Regan exploited our alliance that we had between me, her, Augusto, which was SO pointless on top of ALL OF THE REASONS where regan pissed me off today, but honestly, I don't feel the need to go into it again bc just lol at this point she's honestly fucking insane (sorry ily but you're fucking nuts) - Nicole just failed to understand why I voted for her, and I feel so bad about things, especially considering we hungout irl a few days ago, and I told her I wouldn't vote for her.. I also feel bad that Jared has turned into a lowkey sociopath this game and nicole is getting wreckt for it - This BAD PUBLICITY over this reward challenge when people dont want me going to ghost so they can kill me instead - Dan is PISSED at me for all of these chats getting exploited, being left out of the nicole vote and just the consistent lying to him. Jared played so many FUCKING games today that threw him, Dan and I under the bus, and it was just nuts, and he blew up both of our games in a way that wasn't necessary..... and there were just other ways to plan it out What I WILL say is that I'm turning Asya into like.... one of my closest allies bc I think she's fucking awesome, and I think we're in the same boat, and if it's up to me, I don't want her going anywhere.. I'm plenty okay voting out anyone who isnt augusto asya roxy at this point..... everyone else can probably burn? I'll see how long I can keep Jared around. Eventually, enough is enough and I may just have to throw in the towel and vote for Jared, but I'm going to try to not think about that bc my intentions are to still stay pure to Jared so GOSH lord help my soul

https://youtu.be/12RpRL81wjc

Lots to explain, let’s start off with the most obviously trivial. Regan talks about herself...a lot. Like, a lot. Regan is most definitely the most self centered person I’ve ever met. She knows it so like, it’s not mean that I’m stating it. But anyway every day in the tribe chat she goes on for sooooo long about herself and so I made a fun little game where when she sends a rant about her life I say “Merry Christmas Everyone”. It started on Christmas, so it wasn’t that funny BUT every day since it’s gotten progressively funnier and funnier. Ricky and Alex chimed in a few times and then I got Johnny in on it. It’s becoming such a moment every time it happens and the farther away from Christmas we get, the more ridiculous Regans responses get to it. Now, back to business. Last night I almost got voted out. I am BEYOND thankful that when I went to Ghost Island I was able to get the Sapphire Idol and will it to Jared during the second or third round. We have been trying to hold on it for so long in order to use it correctly to save both of us and tonight was the PERFECT oppurtunity. We not only did THAT but we flushed two idols since Regan used hers for no reason and Vilma left with hers. (I feel so bad I wish she would have used it and rocked out Johnny). Today I’ve made substantial progress with Asya and Dan but I really don’t think it’s enough. Which makes me nervous. I feel like going going home these next two rounds is going to be so sad for me. I have the fucking legacy advantage and having to give it away before I even can use it would kill me. Regan better calm herself with her agenda to get me out because if she doesn’t fucking relax I will 100% get her out with the legacy advantage just for fun. Finding a fourth to vote with us is going to be actually terrible. I’m hoping I can be immune so that the tables are forced to turn. I really don’t want to go. Maybe Jared will find something at ghost island to shake things up. I feel like crap about this game because Asya has painted a picture of how I COULD win. But that makes me feel like nobody will let me get that far. I just want to win so badly this is like the last check mark I need in order to feel successful in this community (as cheesy as it sounds).

So I’m really boo boo the damn fool huh. Vilma leaving last night was literally heart wrenching. After hosting her in Cayman Islands, she was probably one of the most deserving of the unfinished business casting. She’s an amazing person, friend, and ally. I really am gonna miss her a lot in this game. As it stands rn, everyone is being shady. Especially Johnny, but honestly, we been knew. Regan leaving the chat is fucking annoying. She’s unwilling to vote anyone but Nicole. I promised Nicole I wouldn’t write her name down this game, And I intend to make that happen. I wish there was a way that me and Nicole could lowkey get the votes split 3-3-1 on us this week to force a rock pull, but there’s literally no way. When I think about it, splitting up Nicole and Jared is smart, however, in my opinion the wrong person is on Ghost Island rn. I’d much rather vote out Jared than Nicole and that’s just that on that. I may honestly just throw a vote or self vote this round bc I literally can’t bring myself to vote out Nicole. If Nicole wins immunity, I am a little worried for my ass soooooo. Idk what’s best rn.

https://youtu.be/OSPsCvp7lmM

https://youtu.be/dLh35zpslXU

OKAY LISTEN..... I'm proud of myself bc I've gotten to that point of ORGs where I feel I'm done doing 800 long ass confessionals every round, but nonetheless, I've gotta do one each round, and I'm trying to make it good, so here's the content from my host chat about why im considering what im considering today: I am hoping that the Regan/Nicole thing continues until right before the vote, and this round is going to be everyone depending on my vote because I'm the swing, and I'm hoping people are going to be patient with what my decision is, because I'm likely not going to make it until right before tribal...... jk im voting for regan, but they dont need to know that ;) i know by voting out regan, im making it harder for myself to get to the end, but I'm REALLY trying to surround myself with threats so I can get to the end. I was the first person this season to make an "out there" game move, by playing my idol and taking out Ricky, and since them, i am trying my damnedest to just hold back my threat level, so people just let me go further and further. I don't have MANY options beyond that at this point Oop apparently regan is voting for me.. that's a mood Now here's me ranting about taking out Dan vs Regan: Regan is more easily controlled, and she has been working closer to me this entire game.. She is a goat and likely won't win at the end, but she's a very likely candidate to get to the end at this point just because she's such a goat Dan, on the other hand, has been a strong ally, but he voted for me once, and has been wishy washy with his allegiances since he voted for me the first time (when I used my idol), and promised us so many things, but Dan has pretty good relationships and is unpredictable, but he's sworn up down left and right that he wants finals with Augusto and I. The BIG reason for keeping Dan is that Roxy and Augusto, who are probably two of my top three closest, and most trusted allies, are going to be more reliant on me next round for numbers, and even more when it gets closer to the finals, they may feel more compelled to take me to the end because there are too many big threats left in the game but if i vote for regan then i might be jeopardizing my specific spot in the game, and I'd have the potential of my allies turning on me

(A LITTLE LATER)

So I guess here's an ACTUAL confessional since I haven't really planned on making anything else, but I feel bad Regan fucked my entire game up because she thought she was being cute after last tribal. Everyone was on a call during that reward challenge (not getting into it... literally fuck the hosts bc that changed the entire game, moving on), and they were all spilling shit because Nicole got mad that four people voted for her, and then Nicole and Dan both started making this game feel really personal, and honestly, it just felt icky to me that they were bringing it to a personal level when it was a game move. I understand what Nicole is going through bc (T B H Jared) Jared is a sociopath in games, and he really just doesn't have a chill switch sometimes, especially when dealing with nicole, so like..... idk, people started feeling bad for nicole bc jared YELLED at nicole after tribal on that call apparently, and ig it had to do with me, and more of an exposing me party YAY, but idk.. so I feel bad for her too I deem literally everyone in this cast currently a close friend, so this is never ever going to be an easy decision from here on out. Every decision is going to be painful. My entire plan for the day was to pretend to be indecisive about how I wanted to vote, when in reality all day, my intentions were to vote for Regan, however, things have changed sadly............... I'm voting for Dan tonight, and I don't see myself changing my mind before tribal for many of many reasons. I mostly just feel that if Dan stays, I could POTENTIALLY not have numbers next round since Dan is consistently playing double agent, and jared nicole and asya could come together and vote out either roxy or augusto, and then i'd be fucked, especially considering those are probably the two people im trying to get to the end with (without screwing over jared and losing his jury vote uwu) Also, the biggest reason I've gotta do this is to just not upset the people who've been the best to me since we've merged. Augusto and Roxy have been nothing but helpful to my game, and Dan was the FIRST of my allies to turn on me, and that still hasn't been sitting well with me since it's happened. I'm moreso doing this for my allies than anyone else, and knowing that Roxy, Augusto, Regan and I are likely not going to break until we get to the end ish? (But also Asya queen is getting to the finals if it's the last thing I do. Regan can LEAVE before Asya does, but that's besides the point hmmmmmm) My other big fear with voting out dan is that im voting out such a meat shield.. going into the f5 with any combination of asya augusto roxy regan puts me in a lot of trouble to get 5th or 4th, and I'm foreseeing a world now where I get 5th or 4th because those are the people I chose to go down the stretch with, but we'll see... I think I can maybe have a few tricks up my sleeves to attempt to get me there? oops?

IDK THE TEA IS THAT im voting johnny with nicole and dan and idk if i can pull this off

Nicole and I decided this plan to get it to be 3-2-2 and I’m so nervous it’s gonna fall through. I’m shaking in hangout rn omfg this is so stressful

[no25]

redoing a survey i took 4 years a go!!1! :~) 

1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

ya because i have asthma so fuck dat // yes

2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?

all of the above loooooool // taken uwu

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

i’d say thank you, you are too // same answer!!!!

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

probably // not that i know of

5: Are you interested in anyone right now?

nah // yes uwu

6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

nothing. sleeping in on monday pretty much // nothing....

7: Do you want to be single?

i dont mind // not rn bc i am happy in my relationship atm!

8: Did you go out or stay in last night?

i went out and i had jollibee // i stayed in but i wish i went out...!

9: How late did you stay up last night?

til like 1 or 2 i think doing fuckin nothing lol // i dont remember but it was late!!

10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?

junior year??? and RIGHT NOW ???????? LMAO!!! // yes (: rn!

11: Last three things you had to drink?

breakfast, lunch, and dinner: mocha cappucino, sprite, and water // water, strawberry lemonade, baja blast ! 

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

ya man i’m fake af lol // yes

13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

ya man i’m fake af lol // not sure, but maybe...

14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

my mom probably // my bf tony omg the answer difference

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

depends but not rly bc i’m fake af lol // idk wtf i was talkin bout but in terms of platonic relationships, it rly depends on my closeness with the person! and i’ve never been thru a breakup so i cant say anything...

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

ya what was that like august? been single since i was born tbh // no uwu

17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

getting ready to shower // i was still in bed lol!!

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

trisha but she was only holding on to my pinky // tony!

19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

no bc it is too late for me // same answer lol

20: What would you name your future daughter?

clara after the singer or adora after that prodigy // who the hell was i talkin about... okay just googled who adora svitak was (the prodigy i was talking about) and sis was born in 97... i too was born in 97....damn i was mute for like half my life and sis was in a TED TALK at 12 so thats cool... anyway i want to name my daughter after my mom!

21: Do you miss anyone?

not really. just one person // yes :(

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

yea but they were just quick pecks on the cheek // yes

23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

no it took place while i was sitting down in a chair and it was from my pops on my forehead //  i do not remember actually LOL

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

ya bc i’m fake af lol… just kidding my friends say i make shit hella obvious sometimes guess i’m not as good of an actress as i thought i was // hmm no but i wish i was... but i’m a PISCES i ABSORB EVERY EMOTION AND IT SHOWS

25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

fffuuuuuuck yyyeeaaaa // yes :(

26: Who did you last see in person?

my parents? what you tryna ask here // i dont rly understand the contxt of this question, im just gona say my roommates bc theyre in the room with me

27: Are you listening to music right now?

yes chandelier by sia // no i’m listening to an asmr video!

28: What is something you currently want right now?

to finish my hw but that’s not happening anytime soon bc f society // i was sooo angsty back then omg lol but i want new makeup, clothes, and accessories!

29: What is the last thing you said out lot?

this question because i read it out loud bc of the typo // hmmm i don’t remember! i think it was... can u wash my fork

30: How is your heart lately?

heavy // empty (: damn i’ve been depressed my whOLE LIFE huh

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

yes because my head gets cold // sometimes!

32: Are you wearing socks?

yes and they’re grey / not rn

33: What do people call you?

chacha or princess sometimes but not really mostly just charlene // charlene, char! not rly chacha anymore! i miss being called chacha! but ppl who arent that close to me started calling me it so its weird! but it might b my fault for pushing the nickname... but i mean nicknames are only a given IF ur close with that person right... so idk why ppl thought itd b ok right away! like cmon ppl!

34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

maybe~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~but if i do i’ll feel like i’m bothering him lol / maybe ! but it’s ok if we dont

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

you think this a joke ofc there are wtf!!!! // yes.. same answer LOL

36: Who did you last share a bed with?

my mommy // tony

37: Did you do something bad today?

procrastinate)))))): // same answer, add two shots of ~hate myself~ in there too

38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

like two days ago? is that sad / today!

39: Do you get stressed out easily?

ya but it’s my own fault i’m hella dumb but in the end i’m just like oh well ALOT which is actually not healthy at all / yes! it fries my brain and i become numb to it lol

40: Will you sing today?

i sing everyday // i hope!

41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

yes because i am so bad at talking / same answer!

42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?

kaithleen and i like talking to megs but when i do tell people stuff i feel like i am giving them more stuff to worry about so i usually end up not going to them at all lol / tony or my vocaloid sisters groupchat! 

43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?

no; thanks jesus / no

44: What are you listening to right now?

we could happen by aj rafael / same asmr video!

45: What is wrong with you right now?

a lot of things / i need to find new ways of unlearning the harmful coping mechanisms and negativity i’ve internalized, but i know it takes a lot of work for self improvement, so i think it’s easier to just be sad :(

46: What is on your wrists right now?

my sleeves and my veins / wtf angsty bitch lmao NOTHING is on my wrist lol chill

47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

t’s a house find and it says tiburon and conference center lodge so ig uess it’s from there / it’s a free shirt from a programming company! or gaming i cant remember....

48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?

hot chocolate wtf is hot apple cider i never tried it / hot chocolate!

49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

i used to / aww same answer, maybe i should start again! but i always lose track of time...

50: Are you a good artist?

fuck yeah. sike i’m a disgrace / no :(

51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

ew / yes!!!!!!

52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

who do you think i am do you think people like counting the months backwards? anyway idk i didn;t do shit in july / yes bc i would b at home with my cat!!!!!!!

53: Ever been on a golf cart?

no / not while it was moving!

54: Do you have trust issues?

ya bc i’m fake af lol / yes :(

55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?

tony or kaithleen kinda but she always falls asleep / tony!

56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?

yea think so from my middle school days but the only thing i can rly think of is this pikachu shirt / yes!!! that pikachu shirt, a goofy movie shirt, and a spirited away shirt!

57: Do you use chap stick?

i used to / not the brand chapstick but yes! i think my lips have become too dependent on it tho bc they dry out or sunburn easily if i dont use it for a while or if its a rly sunny hot day!!

58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?

yes probably but on accident pretty sure i’d remember it clearly if it was on purpose / not that i know of!

59: Do you have a little sister?

no but if i consider my friends as little sisters i’d have like seven or soemthing / no!

60: Have you ever been to New York?

no but i would love to go / not yet!

61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

yes and i love them too / same answer !!!!

62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

ya and it was the opposite sex dude you asked about earlier / yes!

63: What were you doing at midnight last night?

talkin to the late night people you asked about earlier / on my laptop watching asmr videos lol!!

64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

no / yes 😥

65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

ya like 10 / i cant believe i counted... but yes!

66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

no / yes, tony!

67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

i actually don;t remember oops sorry mom give me up for adoption / yes, tony!

68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

i am okay with both but i have to be close to you first to face you if we sleepin on the same bed lol / im fine with either !

69: Will next Friday be a good one?

i dont think so. everyday feels the same and i am bored all the time / im gona speak it into existence, YES!!!!

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

[mochigames59]

im not going to the rotorua trip next week for robotics

ouch

it really hurt when i was told, but i guess i do deserve not to go

i was really looking forward to spending some time with my pals

i cried and my nose started to bleed, and i just held my head above the sink, because why bother to stop it, itll only start bleeding again .. the blood and tears, mixing and streaming down the drain ..

i hate looking forward to things, i get so excited, something that i hardly feel anymore

i hate being at home. i dont feel safe when my dad is home too. sometimes im scared to play music in my earphones in case i dont hear the stomping that usually precedes getting yelled at, and now whenever someone walks at home i get scared because its the same noise

like what if the whole reason i did The Comfort Company was because im literally never comfortable lmao ..

like sometimes i wonder if its just ‘generic teen rebellion’ or if ive just begun to recognize the abuse u kno ??

like my dad does shit like

-racist, sexist

-pretty much the whole neighborhood hates us, presumably because of my dad

-talks shit about my mum, even though they havent been together for like 13 years or so, even my sisters mum (they havent been together for like ~16-20 years or so i think)

-can go from normal to yelly real quick

-childish actions, like silent treatment

-i havent talked to my older brother in a good 8-9 years because of him and im kinda scared to reach out to him through my sister

-whenever i do something im proud of i get a generic meh response and its fucked me up, im scared to show things im proud of

-shouting, yelling, violence

-no emotional support network at home

-every man for himself

-promotes shouting and violence by doing it

-i dont get recognized for my achievement or doing stuff right, but whenever i mess up it is always noted and mentioned

-i dont like to call the people i live with ‘my family’ because like yeah sure im related to them, but deep down i dont care for them, my brother maybe yeah, because he cares, probably deep down and doesnt want to show emotions ..

i dont like my dad

it fucked me up like now im:

-im shy

-probably got like anxiety and/or depression u get me

-dont know how to act or even like basic social ques

-cant make decisions for myself

-no compass/direction in my life

-like i ignored jordan for ~2 years, and even physically lashed out at a few people during that time I HATE IT and im so sorry

-constantly need to be told that what im doing is fine

-i shower everyday, i think it helps keep me sane, like routine and shit like that, its the one thing ive been consistently doing for like a year

-im scared im annoying people and like they secretly dont actually want to talk to me

-im scared to spend money because idk i have some sort of mental block when it comes to money i guess - decisions 

-talks shit about my mum, even though they havent been together for like ~13 years like god damn

-ive been left by myself, ie in my room alone and left to my own devices for so long i guess ive just sort of become like that idk what im saying but its just something thats happened

-

theres a ‘family’ holiday to go to rotorua that was just planned behind my back and i dont really know if i want to go, like a) i just wasnt told at all b) i dont want to spend time with them, but at the same time im thinking like, its a missed opportunity and well theres the indecisiveness kicking in again, fuck

and like recently im constantly checking facebook to see, i guess if anyone has messaged me, and its like always no because like who would want to talk to me lmaoooooo.........

but i really dont think i can do anything about this, like this is all ive known ever

like what will happen if i say something about it, that scares me

sometimes i sort of jolt myself, like suddenly twist my body or my neck or something like that i dont know why, habit maybe, and when im home alone sometimes ill just talk to myself a lot its really sad i guess

and im pretty much being forced to get a job, like as if i need more stress on top of my ongoing stress hahahaAHAHAAHAAaaaaaaaaaa ..

also should he be having 1-2 alcoholic drinks while not looking after his own children, but 2 other kids as well??

am i suicidal? i guess not, i guess im too weak to actually kill myself ..

and like me and my brother cant get mad at my dad because ‘we’re not the one who pays the bills’

this is the convo

dad: dont flush it down the sink!

brother: i didnt, why do you always have to start yelling

dad: well you’re not the one who has to pay the bills

as if its our fucking fault that we are children like damn

and when we were younger he would always say ‘wherever i go, these guys have to go as well’ and complain as if its our fault that we were children

[jiminspiration]

12, 14, 21, 25 :)

hello there thanks for noticing me and asking me questions :)))

12. Your favorite live performance?

omg… i dont’ even know. i’ve watched so many live perfs over the years i just- i just enjoy every single one of them. omg their mama 2016 one was fucking iconic. like blindfolded jimin blowing us all away with his amazing dancing (HE WAS FUCKING BLINDFOLDED) and then tae and jin feeling each other on stage and then bts having a million backup dancers for their ‘fire’ perf. like everything about it was so amazing. i’m a proud mother

14) Your favorite ships/interactions?

…. this is pretty obvious but JIKOOK MY BABIES. that’s my fav otp in bts. that’s my #1 otp. i just want them two to be happy with each other and to get married and to invite me to their wedding when it happens (if it already didn’t happen). fun fact: i was the creator of the jikook otp thread on bts’s international fansite forum (remember when those were a thing?? lol) when it first opened and was running back then. back then the ship wasn’t too popular (bts in general wasn’t too popular) so i termed their ship name ‘jungmin’ but now their ship has grown and sailed. i am a proud mother

i’m also v weak for sugamon but that’s b/c they were the first 2 bts members and have gone thru hella shit together so it makes me emo and proud when i see them interact with each other

21) Name the feature you like the most about each member!

oh boy this one gonna take a long time b/c i love so many things about each member. let’s see..

namjoon - idk how to put this in one word or phrase but his wisdom, his intelligence, his words of encouragement. as i mentioned in an earlier ask, he’s so inspirational and whenever i’m feeling down or stressed or nervous about something, i remind myself of his words and his messages to make me feel better. (fun fact: my desktop bg is actually his message in the v chat that he posted not too long ago where he said that we army’s are his inspiration and he thanked us for all the love and support. that just really got to me and hit me so hard so i put it as my desktop lol).

suga - HE IS SO SOFT. SO SOFT. people think that yoongi is so cold and reserved and aloof but he the total opposite. he’s so caring and soft towards the members and he doesn’t always show it but it’s obvious that he cares for the members so much and i love it when he calls them ‘my kids’ or does things for them or gives them bday presents and gifts. ELAN;FKDNF;KD I LOVE YOONGI SM.

hoseok - his optimism. im thankful that he’s the moodmaker of the team and brings such fun and positive vibes to the team b/c sometimes u just need someone like that and i think hoseok does a really great job in providing laughter, support, and happiness to the members. sometimes i get sad b/c it must be tiring for him to always maintain this image of looking ‘hopeful’ and ‘happy’ and ‘energetic’ all the time but i appreciate his hard work and his energetic vibes and positivity.

jin - his reliability as the eldest in the group b/c for jin we often see the childish side of him where he makes weird dad jokes and bickers all the time with the maknae and the members often joke around that he could be the youngest in the group but i think when you look past all of that, he’s such a reliable hyung to the other members b/c he wants to make them feel comfortable and he probably feels the pressure from being the oldest in the group. whether it was driving jungkook to high school or having real honest conversations with namjoon (as seen in bv2) or cooking for the members, those things and so much more prove how caring and reliable jin is as the oldest. he’s so nice and kind-hearted inside.

tae - his carefree personality. he doesn’t really give a damn about anything (he wore pajamas to their recent rehearsals y’all). and i love this attitude from v b/c it’s so refreshing to see him just be like ‘idgaf’ what u say about me. he buys clothes that he likes even if fans don’t necessarily agree with him (then gets mad when fans say it doesn’t suit him lolol). now in this time and age it’s hard for people to not care about what others have to say about u but v is just like ‘ima do me’ and i like that. OMG. Also, his social skills b/C BOI BE MAKING FRIENDS WHILE IN THE RESTROOM AND I’M LIKE HOW U DO THAT V TEACH ME PLS. tae actually motivates me to become more social and to talk to people more and learn how to do small talk or make friends. that’s something i find so admirable about him that i wish i can do and learn.

jungkook - i wanna cry every time i think about jungkook b/c i saw him as a fetus during debut and now he’s grown up to be a baby. i think for jungkook my fav feature of him is that.. he’s so hard-working. he’s always aspiring to be the best in whatever area he chooses to focus on. whether that’s playing video games, learning japanese, learning the drums, making music, doing covers, or trying something new he’s never done before, he puts his 110% in it and him being the type to not lose or want to give up, he’s gonna obviously put his all in everything he does. that’s what i find most attractive and cute from jungkook. also his kindness b/c we all know that he can be a lil shit 99% of the time but he’s really kind and a kid at heart.

jimin - saving my bias for last b/c he’s the best. i think i love how warm jimin is. jimin is so kind and warm to everyone he knows. you understand why the members open up to him, why they term him the ‘king of chemistry’, why jimin has so many celebrity friends and other idols who look up to him as their role model. he’s just full of warmth and kindness and he opens his arms wide to everyone. this is why jungkook follows him around everywhere b/c jimin makes him feel comfortable or this is why in one of their live perfs back in 2016 jin walked over to jimin (out of all members) for comfort and words of encouragement. jimin is just that one person who makes you feel comfortable to be yourself around him and that’s why so many people (including me) are attracted to him. you can rely on him b/c he’s just so warm and full of kindness and acceptance.

25) What immediately comes to your mind when you think of Namjoon?

wisdom. boi knows a lot and has a lot to offer. he’s so inspiring and i love watching his v lives and his bangtan logs b/c they’re always so raw and real and motivating and it’s like having a conversation with him where he just opens up to you about what he’s feeling or what he’s thinking and offers any advice and tips he has about life. he’s so young but he already knows so much and is continuing to learn and improve to be better. i’m a proud mother

ANYWAYS, I WROTE ANOTHER ESSAY. WHAT’S NEW. keep on asking me more questions if ya want :D

[survivorindia]

Disturbing Patrons with my Mental Breakdown- Kendall (Episode 8)

Okay, soooo. I'm pretty sure all of the returnees threw the challenge RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW in order to vote out the minority newbies... Aka me.... So, I'm pretty pissed off as it's evident that I'm the only one who actually TRIED at this challenge, when I clearly shouldn't have because I'm extremely sick with strep and should be sleeping all day. SOOO, that was a huge waste of my time and I'm pretty pissed about it... But it's fine, bitches. Satan will see you in hell <3 :*

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WE JUST THREW THE CHALLENGE. I have never thrown a challenge before and that was terrifying. If this backfires on me i'm gonna look like a moron but I have good faith. Hopefully bye bye Ruben, Worst case scenario bye bye Casey, Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye allies, and Worst-Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye Jordan

i definitely picked my tribe with the intention of screwing someone over. i think things have revealed themselves nicely on where loyalties still lie, and while one or two people might think they're in the driver's seat, i'm in a good position to shift the gears without them noticing. and that means their car will crash and we all die. hehe.  i'm prepared to make a move if we lose immunity, but im not letting that happen. i want to win this one just so i can be safe one more round. figure things out a little more. let tea spill. but i'm not going to let myself make the same mistakes and spill my guts to anyone willing to listen. i'll keep information to myself. i know i'm on the bottom of the returnees alliance and probably the newbies one, too. but i'm content for right now, because ultimately the returnees will start to fall. we'll be picked off one by one. dom wants to throw immunity, and sometimes its not a bad idea to do that, but this round, it needs to not happen. ruben will likely go home but i dont think he trusted me in the first place, so it's his time. sorry.

i'll take his position if he does. lexi needs a #2 and its between robin and myself. i respect robin bc they were there for me when i had no one else there for me. i feel like i've known them for years, but we just met and thats powerful. i have a powerful bond to this person. they're important to me. but this is also a game and i know my competition when i see it. if they have to go at my expense of making it another day, i'll do it.  idk if im still a villain or if im becoming a hero. i think that's up for determination. 

LOOOL WILD TRIBAL. BUH-BYE, JULIA. GLAD I DIDN'T SEE YOU AHAHAHAAAAA

This is oh so sweet. If everything goes well, bye bye, Ruben! This one's for Johnny.

Can i just say........ HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU JAIDEN FUCK YOU DOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE JULIA LEFT. Lets get down to brief overview and how i feel about it  1) Julia gets voted off.....SO MAD 2) Alex, Dom, Jaiden are in clear alliance of three, split the tribes up so everyones pair is separated...so basically...jordan and I are gone, casey and ash, ruben and lexi ...u get the point. 3) They put me on a tribe to fuck me over...im gone when they make these tribes and I come back to the ugliest tribe ever. Jaiden. Robin. Dom. Lexi. Alexis. Ashley and I. Now Ash and I are just sitting there like.................................i – i- this plan is so obvious??!?!? and do those three boys think its not obvious their together and they did this on purpose to FUCK ME OVER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! um why u so obsessed with me BACK OFF 4) Ashley calls me at work during the comp and TELLS ME DOM IS TRYING TO THROW THE COMPITITION..................to say that the reason hes doing that is to save casey....thats right CASEY. YA RIGHT DOM FUCK OFF WHO DO U THINK WE ARE..........................now lets talk about this because ...................bitch u really want to try me!?! I know those three boys arent as stupid as their moves are coming off!?!? but do they think this is believable!?!?!? Seriously? Im kinda confused because a) They vote julia equalling in jordan and i coming full force on them.....like if ur gonna go for the two headed snake ....dont go for its tail? Sorry but julia was just a number. Jordan and I are the ones who game talk together and as much as i hate playing with him...i love playing with him if that makes any sense. b) you want to throw a competition...to what? To get me out? um....do you underestimate jordan , kendall and I? Yea were on two different tribes but its clearly obvious im fucked over. As if they wouldnt throw this comp.  5) We win immunity....and you would think the way ppl were acting was as if we lost. But it was so obvious everyone of them threw that and im PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [7:00:19 PM] jaiden: that's fucking bullshit [7:00:24 PM] jaiden: I went back and CORRECTED myself [7:00:26 PM] jaiden: i'm pissed [7:00:36 PM] jaiden: I'm glad we won but FUCK. THAT. [7:09:57 PM] Sarah: ARENT U HA;PPPYYY [7:10:00 PM] Sarah: YUHJGEDSXF [7:10:08 PM] jaiden: that would've been sooooooo bad sarah [7:10:19 PM] jaiden: I would've felt like SHIT if we had to go to tribal all because I made a simple mistake ............Jaiden................You had the lowest score on our tribe. And you think i didnt know I was going if we lost?.... “Simple mistake” mhm HUNTY I BELIEVE U FOR SURE Now its kinda obvious what dom is doing and honestly......................................fuck u wtf do u think ur doing being a better player than me? I cant wait till i vote ur ass out. Please take it as a compliment Actually...wait  no fuck u binch face motherfuck i hate u anyways so i was thinking that if we lost immunity ...i could come up with a plan. Jordan gives me the idol, it will be publicly shared, Jaiden will immediately come to me freaking out because hes being a fake ass, asking if jordan gave me the idol...I will tell him (in confidence HAHHAHAHAHAHA) that jordan gave me a fake one and that i only did it so people are scared to vote me out. He'll tell dom so they dont switch votes on Ashley. Then when I get majority votes ill idol out my votes, ashley puts one vote on me, i put one vote on dom so it ties. So if dom plays his idol it will be WASTED ANYWAYS. But if they split votes then ill be safe who cares if ashley goes home. Because im safe and in f13!!!!!!!!!! and hopefully merge happens soon so i can stop doing this. But its ok bc im gonna pray kendall and jordan throw the next comp. Honestly I love Kendall so much I want a f2 with her now that Julia is gone. So watch out for that in the future. http://i.imgur.com/D8kFHyf.gif DONT MESS WITH ME I WILL SELL MY SOUL JUST TO MAKE SURE I MAKE MERGE

Candle added Jordan Pines to this conversation.  From: Candle Jordan you know I adore you Sent on: 2:10 pm  From: Jordan Pines oh no Sent on: 2:10 pm  From: Candle But if you want to make a group chat, do it yourself Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Candle From: Jordan Pines hahahaha Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Jordan Pines this callout XDDDDDD Sent on: 2:10 pm  I couldn't have said that better myself Sent From: Candle Kay well I’ve made my point so get off my lawn you damn youngings Sent on: 2:11 pm Candle has removed Jordan Pines from this conversation Candle has removed Gavin from this conversation  AYYYYYYYE. YES. KENDALL. YES.

I hate getting lied to at Tribal Councils, but Julia left which is actually a good thing and kind of my fault oops. It's Kendall all over again in Malaysia. 

 But yeah, things got messy but I got to pick my tribe for the tribe swap. Jaiden and I got on call and decided we were going to split everyone up (Sarah/Jordan, Ruben/Lexi, Casey/Dom), so that's really fun and exciting. It'll be neat to see how everything goes with the pairs being split. Gavin and I are still together which is sweet. 

 I'm pissed about the vote count at Tribal. Jaiden ruined my no vote streak, but at least he did it on Day 87 for me not getting votes, which is my favorite number. 

I haven't been having fun in India and I never really knew why. It wasn't as though I was losing, it wasn't as though I was in any danger. I was just bored... it felt like something was missing, aside from my soul. So I had a heart to heart with myself over a cup of coffee. I went up to me and said "Me, what's wrong? I've been acting sadder then I usually am, what's wrong egg?" I simply gave myself a shrug and sadly responded "I dunno, I really want to have fun but something is missing... it feels like I am going through the motions," I gave myself a sad sigh. "Oh me, what am I going to with I? How am I going to win a game that I don't have the will to even play," It was at this time I was politely, but sternly, asked to leave by the Starbuck's Barista because I was "disturbing patrons with my mental breakdown," Which was bullshit by the way, I've had like 6 mental breakdown and they are not nearly as tame as me talking to myself. And so, as I argued with the barista and as threatened to call the cops, I had a realization. I have been experiencing the human emotion known as 'pouting'. I have given up because I felt like I had no opportunity to get to the end, that I was either going to get dragged as a goat or voted pre merge. But I have things I can use to my advantage. I don't have to lie down and play dead. If I just pretend to be a good little soldier until merge, reconvene with Sarah and some others, I could do something incredible. For now I just need to play nice. I have decided to stick with my allies. Not because I suddenly grew a brain. Not because I felt some sort of kinship with them or 'friendship'. It's just the best thing I can do Here is an elaboratation on my reasoning the form of a chart: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qPAkC4IhbNWgE2II29QqNaQFR1rgckfBEK_yKCOat5A/edit?usp=sharing 

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention during my ego maniacal ramblings. We are going to probably through the challenge to save Sarah (For strictly strategic purposes... I promise). I say probably because nothing has been confirmed. TBH if we lose, even if it is unintentionally, I'm about 80% sure Jordan Pines will claim that he meant to do it. Welp that's a common side effect of working with a narcissist. What are you gonna do?

Okay so FUCK this tribe swap. I am literally stuck on a tribe of people I have like never even spoken to, that is my fault of course, but damn how did I get so unlucky? Jaiden says he chose me because I am good in challenges and that I am a nice person, I mean that is nice and all but I am now separated from Gavin, Jordan, Alex, literally anyone who I actually liked and was hoping to really get to work with. This counting challenge is also a goddamn mess. Dom has gotten us like -25,000 points already ON PURPOSE. He tells me he likes me and isn't coming after me, but that leaves only two other returnees on our tribe that he could go after; Jaiden and Sarah. Sarah is kind of certain that Jaiden and Dom are working together, which kind of goes against the whole "newbies vs. villains" thing they are trying to start. But who knows. I can only hope the guys on the other tribe will also try throwing some challenges to give Sarah and I a chance over here on this tribe. They don't want newbies to have majority either.

Jaiden picked me to be on his tribe so that was perfect because I really did not want to be on the other tribe. Lexi spoke to me a bit and let me know that Ruben talked highly of me and how she was fond of me for that reason Robin's nice Jaiden's cool and we've both wanted to be on the same tribe for quite a while now so that finally happened Ashley rarely ever speaks to me and forgets to reply constantly Sarah only now started talking to me a bit more since she believes she's in the minority and Jordan probably said she could flip me Dom is a bit suspicious at times but I believe he trusts me and that he wants to take the newbies far I lost it again last night after the results, I should have done my confessional then but everyone already assumes I'm already crazy so maybe we'll save that for later. I feel a bit more calm now but last night I wanted to request tribal and still do sort of but I don’t think it’s possible. I wish I threw the challenge since I hate when the other tribe gets what they want and I don’t want Ruben to go. I like this Lexi, Robin, Dom group going on so I am hoping to solidify that soon and I think they assume it’s newbies vs returnees still. I’m hoping that by some miracle, a returnee gets voted out and apparently Dom just handed Ruben an idol. I believe Jordan assumes I’m closest with him still and that’s why Sarah has been trying to talk to me more lmao! I like Jordan so we'll see where that goes but he's controlling a huge part of the game as of now. Sarah should have tried a bit earlier to speak to me because now it seems like desperation, but I’ll keep playing this middle role, it amuses me. Sarah said she only really talks to Ashley so that's nothing new since I assumed she was close with her from that returnee alliance before the swap. Here’s to hoping the next challenge is something easily thrown so we can finally say goodbye to Sarah or Ashley :)

That was honestly a messy challenge result. I don't necessarily blame anyone for throwing though. I didn't know I was in the negatives so I'm sure everyone probably made mistakes they didn't catch. I'm worried for Ruben. He's the only one from my old alliance on the other tribe. Dom gave him his idol though so he'll hopefully be safe. On another note, I've been talking to the other Lexi. To be honest, if started off because I confused her for lexi my ally. We're getting along pretty well. She's definitely someone I'd like to work with in the future. Jaiden's also pretty cool so I have my bases covered once we go to tribal