#sometimes i have to intentionally tone myself down

[boypussydilf]

i like this section too it is so special to me that they are often saying things for the specific purpose of being funny to each other and i think about it often because 1. typical sitcom-and-other-modern-comedy-style dialogue where characters are just Saying Things For The Purpose Of Being Funny To The Audience really gets on my nerves, but the concept of comedy characters who are, in universe, being funny on purpose for their own entertainment is fantastic and works much better. and 2. it is good context for something like 70-80% of the things they say. they are not necessarily being genuine (though they are also not necessarily making things up. they are insane people with insane lives) they’re looking for the funniest thing they can say that will also leave an opening for the other one to keep the joke going. they are the world’s most extreme case of Committed To The Bit. they are playing comedy roles and considering when it’s funnier for them to play dumb or play smart or act insane or act normal. this is their primary method of communication with each other. they make jokes at each other and then every once in a while they say things they actually mean and are proper statements instead of For The Bit. anyway i’m a fan

[hgfictionwriter]

Changes

Jessie Fleming x Reader

Summary: Jessie’s used to change, but lately life has hit her with one thing after the next. When her best friend announces she’s leaving, she’s left wondering where it leaves her.

Warnings: none

A/N: Short little comfort piece based on this request.

“You haven’t had any of your tea,” you noted as you watched Jessie out of the corner of your eye.

She reacted slowly. After a few moments giving you a small noise of acknowledgment before she sat up on the couch and took a brief sip of her drink. She set it back down without a word or look.

Janine delivered her news today and Jessie had been very quiet and subdued all evening. She relayed the update to you over text earlier like it was something so trivial and commonplace. You’d asked questions, but even now as the day drew to a close, she very purposefully didn’t elaborate further.

You and Jessie hadn’t been together all that long, just a few months, but you knew her well enough to know that you shouldn’t push. She’d reveal more when she was ready.

So here you were, both quietly sitting on the couch, each immersed in a book. You read the same few paragraphs over and over, thoughts going astray and losing focus, made worse by how you noticed Jessie hadn’t flipped a page in several minutes.

Eventually, Jessie shifted, restless almost. You kept your eyes fixed on your book knowing it was best to let her come to you. In time she cleared her throat and spoke into her book.

“Janine’s leaving - moving away, getting married. Heck, who knows, maybe she’ll have kids soon. Sinc’s retiring. Maybe leaving, too, to be closer to her family.” She sighed quietly, opening her mouth to speak and stalling. She sighed once more. “I don’t know.”

Jessie set down her book and sunk further into the couch. She picked at her fingers absently and was quiet for a moment before giving you a fleeting glance.

“I guess part of me feels like maybe I’m falling behind in some way.” She stared vacantly at the floor before shifting again with another small sigh. “Or being left behind. I don’t know.”

“Hey,” you interjected gently, resting a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t react. “Even if it feels that way, no one’s intentionally leaving you behind. They both love you a lot and you’re important to them.” You struggled to find the right words. “I can’t say for sure, but it seems to be the nature of your work. It’s not easy to put down roots or stay in one place for long. That must be really hard though.”

Jessie exhaled, letting her head fall back against the back of the couch to stare up at the ceiling.

“It is,” she said simply.

“And you’re not falling behind. National team captaincy. You’re a consistent starter for a Shield winning team. The list goes on.”

“The National team is great, but there’s so much bullshit too. I’m doing what I can, but I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing enough,” she sighed, rubbing her forehead. “And I don’t always feel like I’m gelling with the team here. I may start, but I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I haven’t necessarily made the impact I’ve wanted to.”

“There’s absolutely no road map for what the national team is going through. You led them out of a near impossible situation. I’d say you did exceptionally. And as for the Thorns, even if you feel that way, your stats say otherwise. It’s still a new team for you, it’s okay to feel like you’re still finding your place.” You sought eye contact with her, which she offered briefly. “And I think we both know you’re your worst critic.”

“Well. Considering my best friend is leaving to be closer to her fiancé and to, you know, build her life and career and I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself instead, I’d say I deserve some of that criticism,” Jessie said with a slight edge in her tone.

“Jess,” you said softly. “You need to be kind to yourself right now. It’s okay to feel bad or upset. I’m sure you were supportive when she told you and we both know you will be in all of your actions. You can still feel what you feel and be a good friend - all things can be true.”

She was quiet a moment longer before chancing a brief look at you before shifting and rubbing the back of her neck nervously.

“I don’t know. It just feels like a mess,” she said with a huff. “I guess I’m questioning some things now too. A big part of why I came here was to play alongside her and Sinc and in a few short months every aspect of that will no longer exist,” she relayed. “And I left Chelsea with so much confidence that this was the right move, that I’d never grow or get more of a chance there, but things have changed so much over there now I’m wondering what would’ve happened if I’d stayed.”

You cast your gaze downward for a moment, a pang going through you at her words. You hushed it immediately and refocused on her. This wasn’t about you.

“That’s understandable,” you said. “A lot of variables have changed. You couldn’t have known that would be the case though. You made the right decision for you in the moment and that’s really all you - or anyone - can be expected to do.”

She nodded quietly, eyes still trained on the ceiling. You tried to not let your emotions get the best of you. As apprehensive as you felt by this shift, Jessie was not yours to keep. You couldn’t and wouldn’t ever want her to stay unless of her own accord.

“Is that something you want to explore?” You asked, keeping all implications and judgement out of your voice. “Talk with your agent? See what options you might have?”

She shook her head right away. “No. I’m just - just talking. You’re right, I need to give myself time here. I’m just in my head. And being hard on myself.”

She offered you a small smile.

“And in some ways Portland feels more like home to me than London did even after three or four years,” she said. “Not only just lifestyle-wise, but I wouldn’t have met you if I didn’t come here.”

Despite her words, all you could muster was a half-smile that you hoped was reassuring.

“You do seem at home here,” you chuckled, but soon grew earnest. “But, if you wanted to explore other options, I hope you know I wouldn’t hold you back. That’s the last thing I would want to do. I love you and want to support you in wherever your life takes you.”

You did your best to seem nonchalant. “We’re still new, I’m aware of that. So I hope whatever you choose to do, that it’s with solely you in mind. You don’t need to worry about me.”

Jessie turned to you now, her body language opening up as she looked at you. She took your hand.

“Hey, I know we’re new, but I love you, too. Even if everything was falling apart here - which, it isn’t, even if I’m talking like it is - it would all be worth it because I got to meet and fall in love with you.”

You held her gaze, digesting her words before smiling and nodding your acceptance.

“That’s really sweet. Thank you. I really hope you feel like there’s still a lot of good for you here - outside of me,” you said.

“I do,” she said with a soft smile. She released a quick breath, looking away before meeting your gaze again. “I just need to remind myself that everyone’s on their own path. Janine has hers. Same as Sinc. And I have mine too. They don’t need to always be parallel or intertwine. I just need to adjust.”

“That makes a lot of sense. You came here with a particular expectation and vision and it’s turning out differently than you pictured. It’s normal that you need some time to adjust.”

Jessie sighed, more contentedly this time and leaned her head on your shoulder. A rush of warmth and affection went through you and you kissed the top of her head. She wrapped her arm around your middle and cuddled in.

“Thank you for being so sweet,” she said. “And patient.”

“Of course,” you told her as you kissed her head once more.

“No. Some people don’t get it. They have a hard time giving me space when I need it. Like Janine,” she joked before humming softly. You gave her a squeeze.

“She’ll still be your best friend,” you reminded her. “You’ve spent more time apart than together and you’re solid - it’s never stopped you before.” You gave her a light nudge. “You may just have to take on more media now that Janine won’t be jumping to step in front of the mic.”

Jessie groaned with a laugh. “Don’t even put that out there.”

She exhaled, resting against you more fully.

“Truthfully, I’m feeling a bit lost or uncertain in some ways, but I have trust in myself and in the process. I know even if I’m feeling apprehensive about all of the change and upheaval around me, I know this is where I need to be. And to be here with you feels absolutely right.”

[asksythe]

MXTX Interview with Risa Wataya for Subaru Magazine P.6

Creative Process: 

Risa: "Mo Dao Zu Shi" has not only sweet scenes but also painful scenes. After scenes of brutality, violence, and death, the characters might carefreely chat about nothing and everything, or there might be some lovey-dovey scenes. This is like treating readers with alternating pleasure and torture. Did you do this intentionally during your creative process? 

Moxiang: If I only write about sad, painful story elements, my readers will inevitably leg it. From the other perspective, joy and happiness are comparatively fleeting emotions. If I only write joyful, happy stuff, I would not be able to touch and move my readers to any significant depth. Therefore, I paid special attention to balancing both sides during my creative process. 

Kuohao: If you keep the same kind of tone throughout the story, the evocative effect will inevitably decrease. Readers will eventually become bored of it. But if you time it right, readers (listeners in the case of audio drama)'s emotions will go up and down along with the flow of the story. The pacing and structure of "Mo Dao Zu Shi" are incredibly well-timed. As a result, the audio drama script was not changed in any significant way and stayed loyal to the source materials' strength. 

Risa: Do you feel pain when you write sad parts, and joy when you write happy parts? 

Moxiang: In the case of "Mo Dao Zu Shi", I put myself in the position of an observer when writing sad parts, and focus on the development of the narrative. In the happy parts, I put myself among the characters and indulge in their shared joy. 

Risa: That's so clever of you. There are so many 'torturous' (*) parts in the novel, so I thought perhaps it was very difficult. When reading "Mo Dao Zu Shi," I feel that there's a vast world populated by many people in Ms. Moxiang's mind. Where does Ms. Moxiang's immense imagination come from? 

(*: literally 'reverse/mistreat/torture.' It's a modern Chinese slang denoting sad story elements designed to 'emotionally damage' the readers. Please check the note for the same word in part 3 of this translation)

Moxiang: If we are speaking of imagination, I feel that it's important to visit many places and meet vastly different people. In other words, step out of the house a bit more. But in terms of building characters, observing people is of great importance, even more important is... to dig deep into your own heart. 

Before, when I was a young child, I read stories by Alexandre Dumas, Hugo, Balzac, and other world-famous authors. A writer staying in his room alone, talking to himself, laughing, and crying. A friend visiting him saw him in this state and became worried: "Is your mind alright?" But when the friend was about to leave, the author said: "Don't worry about me. I'm just writing a story." 

Risa: The excitement of unraveling mysteries starting from the introduction of the story is a pleasure when reading Ms. Moxiang's novel. The introduction carries details that, sometimes later on, become a key point in the second half of the story in unimaginable ways. There's also a feeling of picking up hints and information purposefully left behind by the author. Is this a careful deliberation on your part during the writing process? 

Moxiang: As I said, I only start to truly write once I have completed the outline of the story. About 80% of the story is planned. 20% is inspiration that came up during the writing. I think that the story structure is immensely important.

..

Translator’s Note: In this part is a section concerning the audio drama by Mimi. Risa talked mostly to Kuohao. Moxiang only chimed in at the last bit to say the production quality was very high and she was very happy with it. So, for now, I’m not including that part here. Once I have completed the translation, I will reorganize everything into a single file, proofread, edit, and host it on google drive so that it can be shared with the community. 

..

Before writing "Mo Dao Zu Shi" 

Risa: Ms. Moxiang, please tell us how you started writing stories. What kind of stories did you write when you first started? 

Moxiang: The first time I started writing stories was probably while I was in elementary school. Along the way to my school was a bookstore selling books as big as a hand. I love buying the ghost story magazines there. Because of this influence, I remember writing lots of horror stories while in elementary school. Although most of them were just short parts and scenes and weren't complete stories. The first story I completed was 'Tian Shi' (lit. Celestial Master), a schoolyard romance story, during my secondary school. Even though it was just a WIP draft, it still got some of my classmates really riled up. "I also want to be a character in this story." "I want to be in the same team as this heroine." I got a lot of requests like this. 

Risa: Woa, I so want to read that story! 

Moxiang: the heroine, the heroine's childhood male friend (let's call him A), and a male classmate that suddenly appears (let's call him B). This story is about these three. The thing I remember most about this story is: when I asked my classmates, who were my first readers, for their opinions (I still keep the draft now. Even though now it's old and yellow); around that time, I wrote a romance between the heroine and B, but the result from all of my readers was: everyone liked A instead! I was so shocked! Everyone commented: "B's love is so whatever! (*) We want to see A and heroine together!" (laugh). I could not understand it at the time, but now that I think about it, A certainly does have a charm of his own. Even though I wrote without any kind of plans or forethought at the time, after that, I started to realize: "The main character must be a person I love the most and has the most charm." At the time, I looked at my classmates' excitement and admiration for my story and felt so happy. As a result, my old notes are filled with old, incomplete stories. If I have a chance in the future, I would like to complete them. 

(*: Northeastern Mandarin slang 爱咋样咋样. A combination of Heibei-Shandong and Jiao-Liao Mandarin. It means 'whatever' / 'don't care'/ 'indifferent')

Risa: To be honest, I have the same experience as Ms. Moxiang. I drew manga while in secondary school. My classmate said after reading: "I hope you can continue to draw." I was overjoyed. Perhaps it is because of this kind of experience that I became a novelist. 

Moxiang: Me too. From the start, I also wanted to become a Manhua artist! Perhaps this is normal for people who want to become novelists. Because I never had the chance to learn how to draw, the result is that I chose to become a novelist. 

Risa: A, I feel the same! Ms. Moxiang, where do you get your ideas?

Moxiang: To put it simply, it starts from 'fulfilling a personal desire.' For example, if it's a detective or mystery story, then I want to fulfill my curiosity and solve puzzles. If it's a romance story, then I want to love and be loved. If it's a survival story, then I want to see survival in extreme conditions. To fulfill these desires, I think of how to best tell stories. To write a great story, one must have a foundation of intense desire. Of course, the amalgamation of multiple desires also works. In fact, 'desire' is a 'thread.' The story is the pursuit of this 'thread' to the very end. Once you have found a strong desire, disregard everything else, the story starts there.   

Risa: So that's how it is. 

Moxiang: I think that each author has different ideas. I personally build the characters first. Their personality, their destiny, and their emotions. Once a character with irresistible charisma appears and makes people fall in love with him (her), then they will surely love his (her) story too. Therefore, build the characters first, then weave the story. That is my process. Until now, I've only produced three novels. So I still find the process of structuring a story to be complicated. In terms of the structure and pacing of stories, I strongly recommend Robert McKee's "Story"! You can learn the theory of writing craft.  

To Be Continued

Translator: Sythe / NPD Khanh

[beanghostprincess]

Love the concept of Usopp falling for Transfem!Sanji but all of his attempts at flirting end up just being cute and making sanji laugh (genuinely laugh. A sweet laughter. She's head over heels for him too btw) but he wants it to be sexy. He wants to turn her on, or, whatever. But whenever he tries to be sexy he ends up failing miserably because he forces it to be extremely normative (exercising shirtless type of sexy. Don't take advice from Zoro) instead of just being himself. And as I said, he takes advice from fucking mosshead so of course he isn't going to look the type of sexy Sanji likes.

Nami has to physically drag Usopp to the girls room with Robin so she can call him thousands of insults before actually telling him that he's acting like a fucking idiot. That Sanji likes him back already. So Usopp is like, all hopeful and happy and says: "Oh! So you're telling me to just be myself?! :D"

To what Nami replies with the scariest most intimidating evil laughter in the whole universe: "Oh, no. Darling. No. You have no fucking idea what women like, do you?"

He's pretty much scared.

But Nami and Robin end up telling him the secrets of womanhood or, well, what they personally like. And Nami doesn't even like men, but she knows how to read a room and manipulate other girls with men and also, she's a lesbian. She knows what women like. She likes women. Women like her. She's the best person for this job. And also Robin because she's older and wiser.

And also, they share a room with Sanji. They talk at night. They know what she likes.

So they tell Usopp about hands. About how crazy Usopp's hands drive her while he works and that he should use them to his advantage (put a hand on her thigh casually while they talk, brush their hands together more often, tuck her hair behind her air sometimes, show her some of his inventions with his hands pretty much being the main focus, etc). Basically, they tell him to sexualize his hands as much as possible because everyone fucking knows Sanji has a thing for that. And Robin can confirm girls like that because every time she sees Franky build something it makes her knees weak (she says this in a very weird and off putting tone so Usopp isn't sure if 'making her knees weak' is some kind of euphemism for darker, more intimate things he is not ready to hear).

Then the hair. Nami is always saying Usopp's hair is spectacular, but also, that Sanji goes insane whenever she sees Usopp first thing in the morning. Messy, undone hair and everything. So the navigator insists on him being a bit more careless with it. Not caring that much about ponytails or buns unless he makes them look really good and intentionally messy.

He has to forget about the whole 'shirtless exercisisng' thing because that's Zoro's way of being a gym bro and attracting their captain (and it only works because he's already dating Luffy and Luffy enjoys seeing his boyfriend doing whatever) and instead focus on being casually shirtless. And it's not like Nami supports the massive whores this ship has because she's exhausted of men being so disgusting around here, but if it's to help them out (she only wants them to stop pining because it's annoying) she will let Usopp walk around the place without a shirt on (as if he didn't do it already but, y'know, this time is obvious he does it intentionally).

Robin then says something about Sanji liking dominant guys, which, well- It's a thing Usopp already knew because it's not hard to tell. But also the archeologist mentions that he should act more confident around Sanji. Be less anxious (as if it were easy, btw) because he has absolutely nothing to worry about. She won't fall out of love, seriously, she's too down bad to get up at this point and the worst thing that can happen is Usopp looking cringey. But confidence looks good on him! So he needs to do all these things without it being obvious that he's trying to be sexy.

Basically, they end up telling him a few more things that girls like Sanji love in men, and Usopp realizes that it's not actually changing himself but accentuating his personality to a bit of an extreme sometimes to get Sanji focus on him.

And it works. it- It surprisingly works???? What the fuck.

Because Usopp does everything Nami and Robin told him. He touches Sanji more. He runs his hands through her arms and thighs slightly and casually when they talk and it makes Sanji cough and blush and needing a moment of silence to continue speaking. He works in the kitchen and specifically build things that need a constant use of hands. He lets his hair undone all day long or only wears messy buns, and he doesn't say anything if he catches Sanji bleeding or fainting (he really, really wants to go help but he knows it would only makes things worse so he lets Chopper take care of it). He doesn't wear t-shirts anymore (he didn't already, but now it's different) and casually stretches or rests his elbows on the ship and makes poses when Sanji is looking. He starts to talk more in a more confident manner. Voice deeper. Words clearer. Once, he even places himself behind Sanji while she's cooking and tries to grab something from the top shelf of the kitchen, resting his hand on her hip for a long second. It drives her wild. To be honest, Usopp didn't even do that on purpose but Nami congratulated him on that one, and he couldn't just say it had happened naturally.

Sanji is a mess, btw. Her food is still perfect and she fights normally but whenever they're not doing anything important she seems lost in thought and the whole crew is so done with her and Usopp. She doesn't even want to fight Zoro anymore and it frustrates the swordsman because their lil arguments and fights are kind of a thing between them and it's ruining his daily schedule!!! Usopp is going to be the death of her, honestly, and Zoro is then going to kill Usopp for that (me and my beautiful love for platonic Zosan).

But neither of them does anything or makes the first move because they're stupid and deep inside they're shy and they're used to being pining idiots.

Then, Usopp takes all this flirting thing a bit too seriously. Because he is stupid and fears that if he stops, Sanji will lose interest in him. So even if it's raining or snowing, he's shirtless. He says it's that a confident man like him doesn't need clothes to be warm, only Sanji's beauty (or something like that, he said). But even Franky is wearing a jacket, so... Also, he tries so hard to accentuate his hands movements when he works that he doesn't get the job done most of the time. And his hair keeps getting in the way and bothering him while he fights. It's a mess.

And Sanji notices because she might be extremely turned on by him but she's not that oblivious.

So one night she sees Usopp fucking freezing because they're close to a winter island and he refuses to dress properly. At least his hair keeps him warm, sort of, but he can't work like this, either. Sanji rolls her eyes and just approaches him without saying a word, throws him a sweater, wraps him in a blanket, and before Usopp can say anything, Sanji starts to tie his hair up into his usual ponytail. Usopp refuses and keeps saying that he doesn't need this! That he's God Usopp and can handle a little but of cold! But he doesn't stop her from doing all of these things, in the end.

Sanji only laughs and gets a hold of Usopp's hands to warm them up, sitting next to him. She breathes against them and now it's Usopp's time to blush uncontrollably. Sanji looks up from there. "You're a moron, you know? You don't need to do all of this."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Blatant lie.

The cook keeps holding his hands but rests her head on Usopp's shoulders, cuddling against him. "You look really handsome with your hair tied up."

"Uh? I- Thank y-"

"And I love your hands, but if you don't take more care of them I'm going to kick your ass. And also, if you get sick and affects our adventures and your sexy voice I will end you."

"Sexy what-"

"I like it when you blush and stutter and are anxious about every little thing, too."

So Usopp squeezes Sanji's hands back (after a whole long second of analyzing what the other just said) and lets himself rest against her, her undone hair falling over his shoulder and her perfectly polished nails brushing his skin. She smells sweeter than usual. Like chocolate. And even if it's cold, she needs to wrap herself in the blanket too because she's wearing a short dress.

Perhaps Usopp hasn't been the only one trying hard to accentuate his good traits. And God, Usopp loves her even more every day.

The sniper tries to be confident and wrap an arm around her shoulders, but he hesitates, and that same second, Sanji is the one to guide it around her body.

And Usopp is nervous and blushing and Sanji's kicking her feet under the blanket. And it's extremely messy. And perfect. It's always perfect.

[ohgodimafraud]

Incense Coworker Obs (m) by anon73

Hi all I just wrote this on my phone.

Fandom: j/jk (nana/go)

Summary: Nana/mi recounts the events of his last meeting on the forum.

sneezefetishforum.com

>Private Boards

>>Adult Board

>>>Adult Observations, Stories and Artwork

>>>>Observations

Incense Coworker Obs (m) by anon73

Tags: allergy, m

Posting this in the adult board just in case.

Tonight I witnessed something at the late night meeting I was forced to attend.

Some background: my coworker S is annoying and arrogant but more relevantly, he’s prone to sneezing fits and has been for as long as I’ve known him. For those of you who like visuals, he’s in his late twenties, is around 180 cm and at first glance has a lanky build, though he’s rather muscular and well-toned. He is widely considered handsome and has long eyelashes and bright eyes and light hair. His nose is larger than average and is upturned, and it just looks sensitive. He doesn’t get sick often but strong scents will set him off and it’s an open secret that he’s photic.

Presumably, one of the higher-ups at the company had lit incense earlier, and it remained burning in the corner and filling the room with a sharp pine or evergreen-like scent throughout the meeting. It made my nose itch for a few moments and I could only imagine what this was doing to him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him shamelessly massage the sides of his nose, running the pads of his fingers up and down from the base of his nostrils to the bridge of his nose.

The debriefing started to fade into the background and I had to decide whether to pay attention to what was about to unfurl to enjoy later or on the information that was being shared. And as I tried to decide, he started sniffling, each one sounding more necessary than its predecessor. And then—

“h-hih…hehhh…-ihhdSCHh’iyew!” Sometimes the ends of his sneezes go up in pitch and swell in volume and it drives everyone nuts (including me). It’s unfortunately really hot. He sighed and sneezed again three more times. They were less intentionally dramatic but the hitches in between were especially vocal: “heh!! tSChh’ih! Hhih’tzSCHh! h-hehh…ihtschh!”

One of our coworkers next to him whispered a blessing and sounded somewhat amused. Part of me truly wished it could’ve ended there, even though I knew it was just the beginning, and another part felt bad for him. He might be a pain in the ass, but he was having a public allergy attack in an otherwise formal setting and a quick glimpse revealed that his nose was already taking on a pink tint. I had to remind myself not to stare. I could tell by the way his breathing was becoming more shallow and pronounced that he wasn’t done anyway.

“HEH’SCHhh’iewww!” He sneezed again, and I swear he was dragging it out to be extra long on purpose, perhaps to derail the meeting or perhaps to encourage someone to put out the incense. “Ihhtshh! Ktshh! Ihh’EHSCHhzh! Guh…excuse mbe guys. I think whatever’s burndi’gg is bothering my ndose,” he said. The way his congestion was already audible is still burned into my brain.

Suddenly my pants were too tight, as was my tie, but I did my best to sit in a way that concealed my reaction to it all. The incense was put out and the smell of smoke joined the original scent. I knew immediately without looking that: 1. he had not finished his original allergy attack and 2. this was about to make things worse.

“Do you have a tissue?” he asked our other coworker. She checked her bag and produced a few stray ones. He clapped his hands together and thanked her seriously and one of the higher ups in the company cleared his throat. They all really do not like S. I wouldn’t be surprised if they lit the myrrh incense (that’s what I think it was at least) just to torture him.

He blew his nose as the meeting went on and a few people turned their heads. I tried not to do the same.

“hYSSCH’hyuuh! Hahh’DTZschhiu! IHSHHhh’u!”

I had to memorize how it sounded for later, this took me far too long and half a glass of whiskey for me to attempt to spell it out.

When I glanced over at him, his glasses were hanging off the end of his nose, and the rims of his nostrils were obscured by the sodden wad of tissues he’d kept glued there. I couldn’t keep myself from looking, just tried to react as little as possible like the person next to me. If there weren’t someone sitting between us, I’m not sure that I would’ve been able to make it.

“A’ddy more?” I heard him whisper to our coworker. She had no more tissues, and I honestly felt bad for him. Especially when he sneezed again and tried stifling. It was poorly held back, and I could tell the tissues had outlived their usefulness and could no longer absorb anything.

I quietly offered him the handkerchief from my pocket. And he smiled at me before sneezing directly into it. It wasn’t particularly loud, but it was desperate, as if he’d been holding back until he had something to catch it with. I said bless you under my breath as evenly as possible since he’d been looking at me.

“Thank you [anon73]~” He smiled at me again and I looked away. One of the higher ups called recess and while he left the room, I was unable to leave my spot as I needed a moment.

He didn’t sneeze much more after that, but he did sniffle a lot. The events continued on loop in my head and I figured unless I write it down, I’ll continue to be burdened with it.

[team-headcanons-2]

more medicspy hcs to appease the brainrot

- medic has a reckless streak and it always makes spy so worried to the point of snappimg, especially with out of the house missions.

- hmm feels like this is their fist big fight??? "ich und grown man, spy! i know how to take care of myself!" "you imbècile! you are going to get yourself killed! i have put far too much effort into our relationship to just let you go off and kill yourself!"

- they gave each other the silent treatment for weeks after, spy basically invisible to medic - literally rjdjdj the whole base knows theyre fighting and its ruining the vibes

- still, they care - like how, in matches, medic always finds someone who got too close suddenly dying behind him with a backstab. and spy, when they all grouped up, finds himself getting overhealed quietly, but he doesnt dare meet medics eyes

- heavy plays mediator and tries to make them talk - by convincing them one on one. i think medic is the first to break, attempting to talk to spy again with a cup of tea in the morning just for spy, in the way spy likes it

- its still a novelty for the whole base to see spy eat. like, really eat a whole meal. so its always a treat for medic whenever they have a dinner date - both outside or inside the base - with a relaxed, maskless spy.

- whenever the team is in an event or something, maybe theyre playing cards or a board game, spy is a show off. and it tripled if medic is participating. medic is having fun and everyone else is suffering.

- another side of this is both of them getting so competitive, flirting and fighting and (intentionally for spy) getting lost in their own little world. everyone else is also suffering.

- medic collects cheesy and tacky ties and spy hates them so much.

- sometimes he would wear them and match with medic if medic asks very, very nicely though.

- spy absolutely loves when medic is playing the violin. it's just so very sexy of him. a medical (evil) genius and good with music??? spy is swooning.

- medic hates spy's smoking, and for the doctor, spy would tone it down when they're spending time together. medic does give him plenty of distractions.

- to medic's delight, he now has a reason to stock up on candies for the medbay.

- like heavy, i think spy would be pretty alright with medic experimenting on him, so long as he feels alright as usual after. yes, they would argue while medic's operating.

YES YES YESSS!!!

[hahahahawk]

I finished just in time. 😅

This was my first real attempt to read Chuck Tingle, and it wasn’t completely a smooth ride. Ultimately a very good one, though.

I’m pretty sure Chuck uses intentionally bad writing sometimes as a style technique, such as referring to beer as a “frothy liquid” and a golf ball an “orb”. Those are two specific examples that stuck with me, but there are many many more. It seemed more prominent in the first few chapters, so I think it was mostly toned down throughout the book so as to not get in the way of the actual story. Hence my belief that it’s a style choice, rather than plain bad writing.

Good things: Los Angeles was very vivid and familiar to me, having lived there for a dozen years. The only bit of LA description that took me out was “flying down the 405” after leaving LAX. Few Angelinos would combine the 405 with driving fast, and since Misha lived in Los Feliz, it’s unclear why they were on the 405.

About two thirds of the way though the book I had an “oh shit” moment of realization where a lot of pieces clicked together in a very satisfying way. And it wasn’t something that was broadly telegraphed, so it felt really cool to have that epiphany.

Themes: 10/10. Pacing 10/10.

The bad: I’m not a horror fan, and while I’ll set that aside for good writing that has creepy and suspenseful elements, I don’t like subjecting myself to gore and body horror. List of ones I remember that may be out of sequence:

- short, medium-intense scene in the near distance

- super short, low intensity moment very close to POV

- medium length torture/mutilation scene in the near distance

- long, very intense scene that is, um, intimate in a non-sexual way.

And some smatterings of hypothetical gore/violence.

That last scene, the intense one, made me glad I was reading this as text and not as an audiobook. I generally like audiobooks to get me through long descriptions, but when there’s body horror, text is easier to skim through without missing anything.

Zeke and Tara were flat and felt more like props than characters. That’s just kinda how it is, though, with a first person story so strongly focused on one person’s experiences over a fairly short period of time. Jack and even Blossom felt more “real”, probably because they had friction with Misha, which his bff and bf did not. (Same with Richie and Frank)

Oh, and the parody names of obvious references took me out of the story. Especially Dark Encounters and Predatory Hunt. I get that Dark Encounters was different since the leads were M/M, and Predatory Hunt was a mashup of Alien and Predator, but the “I’m not referencing you” was a little distracting. Also Chris Oak. 😂

If you can handle camp but don’t really like body horror, it’s a good read. If you like neither it’s a bad one. If you like both, it’s great.

[xenosagaepisodeone]

I have not read more than 2 lines of your bayo ending posts because I want to experience it for myself, I think I'm the last major mission from the ending but there has definitely been something... off about the writing throughout the whole game. Idk how to explain it but it feels like it was written (and made by in some parts) by someone who only watched a playthrough of bayo 1 and didnt quite Get It.

I talked with my sister a lot about this and we agreed that the overall tone and characterization in this game is intentionally sanitized in service of the new plot elements they introduce. The enemies are generic mindless goo beasts (you don't get anything close to a Joy fight in this game). The primary antagonist is Just Some Guy instead of someone Bayonetta can really butt heads with. The sci-fi elements sometimes aren't integrated well and can make some scenes feels like they're from a whole other game. Characters are rarely hammy or chuuni (even Viola, who ideally should be more chuuni given who she is). You're given very little of anything Bayonetta-esque to work with for the script, which ends up inflating the biggest issue with this game story-wise.....

There is virtually no camp. I believe this was likely the case because the game is about wearing down Bayo in order to ease in Viola as the new protagonist, but I also suspect that it was also to aid in the hamfisted Arch-Eve/Arch-Adam plot by not making her look too above or noncommittal towards Luka (they can't have that if they're going to make him charm her). Bayo makes the odd innuendo, but very little of how she acts throughout our time with her exudes much glamour or personality. She's weirdly silent through the bulk of your exploration, only speaking when she summons/hits something or opens a door. She doesn't joyfully antagonize enemies anymore; she also doesn't have a commanding presence when facing big enemies, is very easily pushed around by others, spends most of the game watching AU versions of herself, Jeanne and Rosa die (if not, being forced to kill them) and is weirdly demure where she would normally be biting and sadistic (where did her bloodlust go?? where???). After she proclaims that she will "bow to no one" she allows herself to get painfully stabbed by Luka while she coos grotesquely at him. Her personality carried a lot of the more confusing plot elements of 1 and 2, and because of how radically she's been changed here, everything else suffers as a result. I mentioned in a previous post that they rewrote Luka from the ground up to 'elevate' him as a potential love interest, but they also nerfed Bayo hard to achieve some reciprocity from her. They couldn't envision a way to shove them together that didn't involve making her weak and helpless. She's only superficially recognizable as Bayonetta by the end.

She hardly talks to Jeanne in the rare scenes they have together, and you can feel how forced the silence is (It's undeniable that the devs were at least a little aware of how popular BayoJeanne is). Their only conversation being about how Jeanne Definitely Also Likes Men was so weird.

There's also the fact that a lot of this game /is/ just reworked Scalebound. I know that Kamiya was excited to develop Scalebound and was frustrated when the plug was pulled on the project. It wouldn't be a stretch to suggest that a lot of that vision was poured into Bayo3 instead. So there's that. The Nier/MCU influence goes without saying.

[sttoru]

cw vent 🧍‍♀️

idk what it is but i literally ruin every single possible friendship i have w someone . never ever have i not been the reason for falling out w someone lewlll im gettin frustrated w mysef at this point. i either can’t keep a convo going, which ends up in them giving up and not talking to me, or its me ghosting them bcs idk how to respond to their messages???

sometimes i b saying sensitive stuff on impulse (with no tone indicators whatsover) thinking the other person will automatically sense my intentions behind the text when its not the case & they can easily interpret it in multiple ways than like i did intentionally 🧍🏽‍♀️then it gets awkward and boom there goes another (possible) friendship

or when i respond dryly or ‘passive aggressively’ WITH NO intention to come across as so . bcs i usually type in caps & idk — very excitedly (ex. replying to a question in multiple msgs instead of 1 text) so when i respond shortly like ‘okok’ to someone, they will always easily interpret it as me being mad at them or me being dry and not wanting to continue the convo when I RLLY just eithergot distracted or i rlly didnt know what to respond

then there’s me stressingand having literal mental breakdowns when someone i text responds in a different tone than usual. like they’d respond in a dry or serious way and im instantly crying and being anxious thinking that they hate me or are annoyed by me . i react to this by either ghosting them to avoid rejection or confrontation or straight up ask ‘did i annoy you’ (which i always do and it can get exhausting for the other person, thus how some of my friendships end bcs ppl couldnt stand being questioned by me abt clarification on their tone lol)

or when i leave ppl before they can leave me / ghost them before they can ghost me. . . LITERALLY MAIN REASON FR ME HAVING NO FRIENDS

ITS SO STRESSFUL i always tell myself that m okay with no friends, but then when i actually have zero friends bcs of my kinda ‘anti-social’ attitude i break down?? like?? what did u expect ma’am….

bashing my head into a wall at this point

[l-e-morgan-author]

She took a deep breath, pressed her fingernails hard into her hand once more, and entered the room. "Are you busy?" Her sister glanced up. "Not if you want me." "I wanted—" She took another breath, feeling slightly dizzy with stress. "I wanted to talk to you, yeah." "Are you okay?" Her sister stood quickly, came to her side. "Yeah, I just—look." She bit the bullet. "I have bulimia. I make myself throw up. It's not pretty and I thought I could control it and I can't, I can't." Her breath caught and for a moment she wondered if she was going to throw up in front of her sister. "I need help and I'm not sure where to get it, how to find it." The other went pale. "How long—? No, you don't have to answer that." She shook her head and dropped into a chair, heart beating like a hammer. "It's been a while. It started when I was fifteen." "God help us," whispered her sister. There was nothing but reverence and shock in her tone. "I never guessed." She laughed bitterly. "I don't blame you. It—it started off as a one-time thing. Then it kept going. Only recently I've been trying to stop, and I can't do this. I can't stop myself from throwing up! I know all the reasons I should stop! But I can't!" She sobbed unexpectedly. "Don't tell Mum and Dad—please." The other sat down heavily. "I won't. But I don't know what else to do. Other than get you to see a doctor as soon as possible." "Can you walk to the clinic with me? Otherwise I'll put it off again. A few weeks ago I was going to book an appointment; then I didn't. Please." "I'll do whatever you need from me. I'll go now, if you want." She covered her mouth, sobbing; it turned into coughing, retching, and she groped for a handkerchief to hide her shame. "I wish I'd never started"—when she got her breath. "I wish I'd paid attention to all the people I read about who said don't do it." "Oh, honey." Her sister got up, came over and enveloped her in a rare embrace. They sat like that a long time.

Any guesses who the point of view character is? I explore her bulimia and her recovery in another story I wrote a while ago, but I wanted to write what happened when she told her sister about it. This is the first bulimic character I've ever written, and it felt kind of satisfying when I realised that traits I'd written into her story already actually make her eating disorder make a lot of sense and how it could remain undetected for so long.

I'm enjoying writing flash fiction, missing scenes and things like that; I may never share some of what I write, but it helps me to get a handle on the characters outside the pages I share, as well as sometimes just writing about emotions I want to see. It means I have bits and pieces that I might draw from in the future, too. I've only started writing pieces like this, intentionally not part of a larger piece, within the last few months, and I'm finding it makes it easier to write the rest. Write the scenes you want to write without bothering to have a larger story you're telling; it also makes the characters seem more real to me.

[whiskeyswifty]

I regrettably don’t listen to Hits Different enough and I didn’t drag myself to target to buy the cd so only rarely do I find myself listening to it. which is such a shame bc it’s suuuuch a good fun bop of a drunk girl at a party sulking around in remorse but looking hot while doing it

anyway, I wanted to hear your big-brained thoughts on the track because I always love your take 🫠

i don't either! i wish it was on streaming so i can just listen wherever i want and on whatever device i'm on. and i CANNOT be bothered to go to target to by it lmao i'm not in the demo that will do that for her anymore, sorry miss swift. it is so fun though!! the best song on midnights by a mile. idk if i have any like bigger picture thoughts or super deep reads, but sure haha i'll share what i have. I did make a post recently about one line in it over here.

right off the bat i loved the instrumentation. it sounds just like a 2000s romcom/teen movie ending song or like theme song. which is a time i'm very nostalgic for as a 90s/2000s kid so it just warms my heart! and i think is a great contrast to offset the woe-is-me lyrics of the song that makes it instead more silly melodrama. as if to further get through to the audience that she really is just that one friend who's like hung up on her ex and in that stage of the breakup. it's not that serious just put her in a car and send her home. very like end of 500 days of summer type shit. to move on sometimes you have to grieve and let go in 10 different ways and it swings like a pendulum and you're kind of a wreck and impossible to be around. but eventually, time heals everything and you'll sort yourself out. (also 500 days of summer GREAT breakup movie, very honest, and unflinching in the same way the song is).

and i love the lyrics because i love songs that sound like they were written in real time (i know they're not, but they SOUND like it). rambling and meandering and stream of consciousness songs are sooo my bag. also some lyrics sound like drunk ramblings or, well, 2 am ramblings, which creates a great landscape for the song's timeline. just her struggling over days and weeks to move past this breakup. and it's a bit intentionally confusing and messy, just like how real relationships/breakups can be. at several points in the song she blames herself, then them, then herself again, then swings back into desperation, anger, frustration, just a rollercoaster of emotions that happens during this experience.

i do think my favorite part though is the end of the rambling bridge when she sings in a sudden surge of self confidence "Bet I could still melt your world. Argumentative, antithetical dream girl!" and it's said in a bit of a manic tone, coming in quick succession after a snowballing bridge that culminates in this burst of confidence and instrumental crescendo. and it seems like ok! she's maybe coming out of it like, i'm great! you probably want me so bad but you don't DESERVE me. but then the song quiets down, her voice falls away for a few seconds and when it comes back, it's wistfully soft again, desperately deluding herself into thinking that they changed their mind and came back. she's right back where she started, delirious to the point of willfully hallucinating and in that moment, also realizing she's gotten to the part of the grief where she's lost her mind a bit and hit kind of a rock bottom of desperation. and to play it off, she sets it up as a joke and it's just so sad and deflecting and human to do that as you swim through the emotional muck, even if she's just being melodramatic. even if she knows it shouldn't still hurt, "make it make some sense why the wound is still bleeding" it still does and it makes her feel crazy! but then the track picks right back up again with that jovial banger of a tune to keep the lightness and the almost cinematic thread of "life and love has it's ups and downs, but isn't that the common human experience that we can all laugh about?"

i think it's a fantastic song, in how it's construction is in conversation with it's lyricism. and what it's trying to accomplish is such a throwback, and in that showing how universal the experience of a messy breakup is and always has been and probably always will be. and how important it is to remember how it's not that serious, even if it feels like it in the moment. you're just in it, but it'll pass and it is important while you're in it to honor how it feels serious, even if you're self aware that it's not. you gotta feel the crushing grief in order to process it and claw your way out. in the mean time, your friends are just rolling their eyes at you like, girl we've been there. see you in a month when you got it out of your system and i'll stop by your house every few days to make sure you shower. and one day it'll make for fun fodder to put in a song so everyone can listen and laugh at the melodrama and say yeah, we've been there. it always happens but it also always passes.

[opia-tarot]

I love astrology but ngl sometimes I feel like I really don’t live up to my chart. I have a lot of placements that are widely considered “powerful” or “intimidating” but I’m literally none of those things and it’s so discouraging 😭😭 I’ve always been described by myself and others as someone who’s “the least intimidating person in the world” and as someone who slacks off a lot. Idk I wish I was able to relate more when astrologers talked about my placements:/

Sorry this is kind of a long message, I haven’t really heard anyone talk about this before and I was wondering if you have/ you know someone who has also experienced this problem

(For context some of my placements are Scorpio rising, saturn square asc (1° orb), Mars trine pluto, venus 8th, venus opposite pluto + mars conjunct mc)

Oh i feel you on this hun. I'm the opposite where some of my placements in my big 6 i'm like huh? Because i'm more intense compared to what some of my placements suggest, so i always had this thing where i would question why i'm not more mellow ahaha. So i understand. I'll talk more about my experience when i post more about myself. The thing is a natal chart is so complex and it paints a whole picture, once you start really digging in, asteroids, degrees etc you'll discover more.

Just to cover the placements you mentioned, saturn square ascendant can indicate a delay or blockage in being able to express yourself. Astrologers label it the late bloomer aspect, so it makes sense. Honestly, i wouldn't say this placement is intimdating. In terms of mars trine pluto, the trine is the easiest aspect. So what i always say to people is the trine is often an aspect which really tones down the impact, almost diffuses the intensity. The trine is basically the aspect we tend to not emphasise within ourselves because it's so easy. Does this make sense? Also the signs really make a difference, because they'll have different affects regardless of the aspect. So for example, a mars-pluto aspect in scorpio would be more intense than an air mars-pluto. So this is really important. And the 8h influence of your venus is hidden. The 8h can also suppress the effect of a placement, so you have to uncover it basically.

Saturn square your scorpio rising actually indicates a blockage in accessing this intensity, or intimidating nature. It's something you have to work on to be able to express it.

Anyway i'll stop rambling now ahaha. But it's totally normal to not resonate with some of your placements, don't feel ashamed or discouraged hun. Some placements reveal themselves over time or you have to intentionally do some self discovery to be able to express them. Your natal chart is a whole puzzle, and these aspects are just a piece.

[ryqoshay]

Tri-Arame: Calming Music

Primary Pairing Trio: YuuAyuSetsu Words: 542 Rating: G Time Frame: Sometime in their young adult lives after Setsuna has started touring as a professional idol Prompt: Pianissimo

---------

Author's Note: Bonus 3rd entry for the 14th

Summary: Setsuna needs some comfort for a bout of homesickness

---------

Setsuna didn’t like this feeling. She loved being on tour, shouting her love from various stages across the nation, spreading smiles and joy along the way. But returning to the hotel after the show, and coming down from that high, alone, wasn’t fun.

She had been getting better over the last few tours, with a lot of support from her girlfriends, of course. Both Yuu and Ayumu had made it a point to visit her on the road during trips lasting more than a week. Ayumu was vigilant in packing familiar items like pajamas or plushies in Setsuna’s luggage and had even started a ritual where the three would fall asleep together over a video call. And that had all helped Setsuna a lot.

But every so often, like right now, the homesickness struck unusually harder.

Setsuna hated to impose her needs on others, even those closest to her like her girlfriends, but as soon as the door closed behind her, she pulled out her phone and made the call.

“Setsuna-chan!” Yuu’s cheerful voice picked up almost immediately. “Interesting timing. I was just about to try playing my new piece. Wanna listen?”

“Yes, please.”

“Are you alright, Setsuna-chan?” Ayumu asked, having also connected to the call.

Of course Ayumu would pick up on the tone, even though the phone line.

“I’m fine, I just…” She trailed off.

“Wanted to hear our voices?” Yuu finished for her.

Geez, they could both read her like a book. Still, that was one of the many things Setsuna loved about them.

“Yeah…”

“Well, we can talk if you prefer.”

“No, go ahead and play. I love listening to Yuu-san’s music.”

“Actually… hrm… I wonder if I can…” Rummaging could be heard through the speaker as Yuu looked for something. “Ah, here we go.”

Setsuna flinched as static scratched into her ear for half a second.

“Do you have some headphones, Setsuna-chan?”

“Yes, let me find them.” Setsuna hurried to her bag, dug out the set and plugged it into her phone.

“Alright, let’s see if this works.” Yuu said. “I’m using Ayumu’s phone since I patched mine into the keyboard. I hope you’ll be able to hear it properly, Setsuna-chan.”

A moment later, music poured through the speakers of Setsuna’s headset. She moved to the suit’s couch and sat down so she could better relax and let the piece really soak in.

The gentle melody brought to mind walking through the park, causing Setsuna to recall such a walk she had shared with her girlfriends when they visited her over the weekend. Leaves turning color, falling from branches, and crunching under foot. The soft chords descended into pianissimo like the murmurs of the brook winding through the park. A slight crescendo as they approached a fountain. A few staccato notes as they dropped food in to feed the koi.

Had Yuu intentionally written her piece to inspire such visions? Either way, it was lovely, and had worked wonders help Setsuna calm her nerves.

“So, whadaya think?” Yuu asked.

“Mmm…” Was all that came out of Setsuna’s mouth.

“I think she liked it.” Ayumu said with a light laugh.

“Wanna hear more?” Yuu asked.

“Yes, please.” Setsuna responded. “Thank you, Yuu-san.”

And so, the private concert continued.

---------

Author's Note Continued: I really need to write more about Yuu as a musician and composer. Also, writing this made me want to listen to some nice calming piano music myself. So I am.

[actias-android]

Realized I never made a pinned post so I'm gonna do that...

Last updated 5/21/24.

Anyway hello! My name is Nevi. If you recognize me from anywhere else, no you don't.

Previously astral-actias.

I'm almost 40! Hooray for me, it's kinda great.

I'm disabled, less hooray for me lol.

I got the ADHD and autism wombo combo. If you think I'm being intentionally obtuse or inflammatory, but I haven't directly told you to go fuck yourself, it's probably just that my tone doesn't carry via text.

99% of the time I'm not actually trying to start shit.

You will know if I am trying to start shit, believe me. I'm not subtle. I do not try to be subtle. I will directly tell you to go fuck yourself or some variant thereof if I'm actually trying to start shit, because I don't believe in making people read between the lines.

I sometimes get far enough into my own head that I'll lose the thread of conversations, especially if they're fairly abstract.

I'm fairly openly trans masculine, he/him or they/them pronouns.

Also I'm a traumagenic system but it's kinda neither here nor there with regards to this particular blog. You can safely just refer to me singly.

I'm mainly a reploid, from the Mega Man X series. Not any specific one, I'm just me, though I do think of myself as fictional all the same. I do not categorize this as either spiritual or psychological; I am whatever makes me happiest to be, and being a reploid makes me happy.

I'm also a luna moth-like fae. This hasn't stopped being true, but it's very in the background now, and I don't really do anything with it.

That being said I also identify as human too, because I'm living a human life in a human body in human society with fellow humans.

I am emphatically not otherkin. Please do not call me otherkin, I will be pissed if I have to correct you more than once (though you do get a free strike or several if you're acting in good faith, because I know remembering everyone's terminology is a pain). You can call me a reploid, a robot, an android, a computer, robotic, fae, a faery, human+, transspecies, ontopunk, or just simply nonhuman. I have serious qualms with the otherkin subculture and am not a part of it any further than interacting with some members of it.

I have very strong opinions.

Like just in general, but especially on the topic of whether one can choose to be nonhuman.

Short answer: yes. Long answer: yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

More seriously I post about it with some frequency so you can probably find my thoughts on it easily enough.

I don't care for DNIs. I don't have one. If I don't want to interact with someone, I just won't. If you're a gatekeeper or a shit stirrer, I can and will just block on sight and save us all the trouble.

If you don't want to interact with me, feel free to block me. I do not feel any kind of way about this and I would rather have no exchange than an unpleasant exchange. I am not entitled to your time, space, or energy just as you are not entitled to mine.

If you have a DNI, I probably won't notice it. I mostly don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to have to find a list that may be hidden in a funky blog theme and know a bunch of discourse stance names before even reblogging something.

That said, the two that come up the most seem to be anti/pro fiction and endogenic systems, so I guess I can state what I think about those real briefly and you can make up your own mind:

Fiction, reality, and censorship are far too complex to boil down into two opposing stances of "literally anything is permissable" and "won't somebody think of the children." I do not subscribe to either 'side' because they're both gravely oversimplifying the issue. This is not the same as neutral or undecided. This is a distinct third opinion.

If someone tells me their mind(s) works in a way, I believe them, because they live there and I do not. There is no endpoint in the human experience that cannot be reached via several different means. I think there's a lot more commonality between types of plurality than there are differences, and exploring that is not possible while people are entrenched into two opposing camps. I think it's entirely possible to be supportive to all types of plurality without treating it as some kind of zero-sum game.

Anyway I also do not at all care for coining new micro terms, making up flags, or mood boards. I block blogs who specialize in these so I don't have to look at them in tag searches. Nothing personal.

I will update this over time as I see fit.

[gentlecowardice]

coward

you are so gentle it’s terrifying. you speak of me so kindly and i feel guilt because i cannot do the same, because when i look at you sometimes i feel nothing yet sometimes i feel absolutely everything and even that scares me; i am a coward in the worst of ways, shrinking back from your attention and your love–if it might be love, i do not know if it is just as i do not know anything about you aside from your voice, your touch, your lips, your favorite colors, your hobbies, what you want in life aside from a life with me–and i cannot bring myself to breathe when you look at me. 

i don’t like physical touch at the best of days but you love it even on your worst days, you give me little gifts out of nowhere and it aches, the hole in my heart trying to mend with something golden yet i force it open again and again because i am scared. i am terrified. your patience is not endless yet you treat me as it is, you have not intentionally hurt me ever and i hope you never will because i don’t think i could handle it if it came from you. sometimes i wonder what will happen when i am gone; will you take to hating me like him or will you look at me like a fond memory? will you wait for me even if i am not ever coming back?

love is a terrifying thing in the fact that it consumes you whole and it has hit you. it has not hit me because i don’t let it.

you are weak. you are weak in every way there is; words hit you hard but actions hit you even harder and so i know the look of hurt in your eyes when i pull away from a touch that feels like too much and fries all my nerves is real, even if it may not be intentional, even if it isn’t your fault. i’m sorry for it all because you deserve so much more than me but any moment of weakness feels like it’s tearing apart my insides and i don’t feel safe enough to sleep when i am next to you, my shoulders draw tense and my head bows low and i pray for you to disregard me because i know the attention would hit me directly in the place i don’t want it to touch, don’t want anyone to touch; because that is weakness, being open and free and loving is weakness.

i don’t think you share the same sentiment. you look at love like it is something wonderful, something all-forgiving and something you seek out for comfort, for soft touches and gentle words and happy laughter but i do not. you look at me like i am the sun and i worry i can’t return that.

but your smile, your smile shines brighter than the night sky; and your laugh is prettier than any melody i could ever hope to listen to, and the way you look at me is so fond and so loving that i just have to shy away from it, put some distance and hope you understand. because when i don’t, i am exposed. i am raw, uncut; you can see all my splintered edges and wobbly legs and the crooked edge of my teeth. i have bared my teeth to the world for all to see and i am not afraid of anyone because i have fought tooth and nail to get to where i am now, even if it’s little improvement but it’s here and i struggle to feel proud of myself.

my shaky hands cannot bring me to grasp onto yours for a sense of stability because my problems are not yours and never have been and yet you want them to be. you want to help me, you want to lick my wounds so that i don’t have to do it myself. and this is the purest form of anything that could exist; too pure for me. i am undeserving, unyielding, suffering a torrent of harsh waves every day where my mood is flipped up and down like a switch and i don’t know how to handle it in a way that doesn’t involve hurting you so that you may finally leave me and find someone better. i retaliate; i retaliate in any way i know, whether it is following strange boys on social media or putting on a bit too sweet of a tone when i talk to guys or forcing myself to look cold towards you in hopes that you’ll realize that i am not a good person.

i am not a good person because i crave hurt, whether it’s on me or on you or anyone. my desires consist of inflicting pain so that i may repay the world for making me feel like this, for making it a bit too hard to get out of bed or for making it feel pointless to eat because what does it matter, anyway? we all end up in the same place, we all die. me taking up smoking was a way to try and urge it along, to return to my Lady and be at peace for once in this godforsaken life. but you have made me want to stop; the taste of alcohol and the high of anything i could take is nothing compared to you, your smile, your eyes, even the shape of your nose. 

i don’t love you because i don’t believe i am capable of love. i have committed too much to be deserving of an escape like that. i have thought too much of red spilling across the carpet when i am holding a knife to dare think about love like you do. i want to bash the girl who looked at you’s head into a wall and make her bleed, rip out her hair, eat her insides because it finally might relieve me of the ache in my chest even though she has not genuinely done anything to wrong me but i need the taste of iron, red dripping off my lips and smeared across my cheeks–

and i know you would not care. you would smile, wipe off the blood and tears, and say “it’s still you, it’s still you” and you would find a way to love me again.

my heart aches. it has ached for my entire life, just like my palms ache when i grab onto you a little too hard and say a silent prayer for you to stay, just like my eyes ache when i force them away from you, just like every part of my body aches having to get up and do everything in my day to day life when i could just sleep it all away. and the worst part is, i know you’d be waiting for me when i wake up.

i am not made for gentleness. i am not made for kind words and even kinder touches; i was made for something harsh, for bruises spattering along pale skin, coloring it black and blue; for words spat at me from a place of anger yet i come back every time like a wounded, crying dog, because the bads may be bad but the goods are better, i rationalize. and that’s not how it goes with you. you take care of me, you want to talk to me. i do not have to beg and plead for even a second of your attention because you give it regardless, you devote every second of your time to me, sending me things you see and think of me, giving me gifts that are from the heart even if i do not like them. all i can offer you is a carcass, a hollow, empty husk of a person; a dead animal dragged up to your door in fondness like a cat to make sure you are eating because surely you cannot hunt for yourself, you are too incapable, too gentle, too kind and i will do the bad for you so you remain pure and kind whereas it is too late for me, i am already tainted; what does another bad matter? but you are capable of so much more, you are capable of creating life and of loving and i envy you for it.

we are too similar in ways we shouldn’t be and too different in everything at the same time but i am drawn to you and i hate it. i want to sink my teeth into something, scream until my throat is raw, let the world know i am angry; everybody else gets to be angry, why can’t i? i just want to be rid of this feeling and it works, it works when i claw at my throat and my wrists, when i sink the boxcutter into my arm just far enough to bleed, when i hold my hand over the open flame of a lighter for a little too long, when the smoke leaves my lungs and all that’s left is the faint buzz in my head. but i cannot even have that little satisfaction anymore because every time i do it i think of you. i think of you, you loving me, you calling me sweet names, you never being anything other than kind and gentle and loving to me. and it makes me want to stop, it makes me want to call for you, ask you for help because you’d know how to help, you’d love me through it all and anything i could ever do to myself or someone else. “it’s still you,” you’d say, and kiss my forehead.

please poison me. rid me of this feeling. do something bad, just something, one thing; a horrible, horrible thing so that i may justify this, so that i may have a reason for the quiet annoyance, so that i may have a reason for the way touch scorches my skin and leaves aching, painful marks. it would be a kinder fate than this. it would be a kinder fate than being loved.

[adamsvanrhijn]

17, 24 for writers’ ask :)

Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

i mean... yes?? i feel like that's an inherent part of the sharing process, it stops being just yours once you share it (which is why taking everything back last year was emotionally effective for me)

but i don't necessarily know how that is and what the nuances are... obviously as a writer there is both. (i feel like) people miss things i put in there, or, they find things i didn't mean to put in there but perhaps did.

i think the main thing about my motivation with fanfic in particular is i write literally just to get words specifically out of my head, it's only very very rarely that i like, sit down and intentionally come up with an idea about something to write or try to write to a specific concept/idea (which is why prompt memes frequently go badly for me) without having literally a string of words or a phrase or something to go with it, and sometimes that makes me really trip up when i start sharing it with other people... but it's a double edge sword because i benefit greatly from the external validation of people liking it and wanting to read more

if i were doing this for praise or attention or to monopolize a shipping tag and forcefully impose my views upon the rest of the fandom with over saturation as has been speculated i would have finished everything by now lmfao

to normal well adjusted people that one should not really be a surprise imho.

i also just. love characters and ships and stories a lot, and i think fanfic is a good format to present textual/literary analysis in a way that is relatable and easy to consume... demonstration of what i perceive and am picking out from the canon, which is fulfilling to me too, and obviously i like very much when people agree with my arguments (in the rhetoric sense) in this regard. i don't Need others to agree with me, i am perfectly happy being right all on my own 😌 (and also revisiting and adjusting my opinions with new information or new angles which if you're paying attention you would have noticed many times over), but it feels good when i change people's minds or draw their attention to things that they missed before. i think that's really rewarding and i appreciate the feedback when people say I've improved their experience in some way whether it is representing something they relate to or prompting them to see something that already exists in a different way that makes them happier and/or more satisfied with it. i am glad i can do that for people.

i think two other things are like.

one. i actually talk like this... like my meta and commentary (which is another genre of writing i am pleased has been well received + is also and much more explicitly about making an argument that something can and/or should be seen in a certain way) are usually in a tone i also use conversationally.

and two

i am like. in terms of how i perceive myself. incredibly basic, i do not consider my personality or interests to be particularly special or anything, and i don't think very highly of myself as a rule. like i think other people are frequently doing more interesting and valuable things than i am... obviously i can recognize that objectively the way i engage with things is out of the ordinary, but that's literally just how my brain works, i get deeply invested in and excited about things and it manifests in these research+pattern finding ways, i'm not like, trying to... usually there just isn't another way i can think to do or make myself to do something

like i am just talking.... that meme about saying words recreationally. and i say things definitively because i believe them or think they have value in the moment, and i try to cite sources and construct logical arguments because that's what my brain needs to support ideas and take things on board and i want to justify what i am thinking to myself and to others. but i really don't think i should have to say this every single time or always caveat that other people can interpret things differently or be right (Or be neither right nor wrong) about things too... I've tried to be better about this since the hooplah last year but i really don't want to be responsible for other people's emotional state about whether what they believe is correct or true or not, i am much too occupied with my own. like i don't think it's fair to expect me to do that. and a lot of what i share here and in fic is me trying to sort out what i think or believe and making sure my thoughts and beliefs are structurally sound. because that's how my brain works.

like i want to know a lot. and sometimes i think people assume that means i think they should know a lot too but that's rarely the case (exceptions include like. homophobia.), i realize that my way of approaching things is weird and too much for most people. but i don't want people to feel like they need to engage with me in the exact way i do things and i don't want people to feel attacked when i add things i know or bring up alternate angles when ideas they agree with are presented to me.

that's just not why i am here and it really hurts when people assume that it is. i really struggle when i feel like others don't understand what i am trying to say (which is another reason i try to back everything up). but i don't know how to be or do anything else because this is just how my brain works and it's also the only place i can let it work that way.

24 answered :-)