#sometimes i just draw absolute fucking garbage and that’s ok

[linthehero]

you know, you really shouldn’t eat those hotdogs. theyre 8 months past the date. theyll make you see through time.

extremely failed redraw of

[ask-the-royal-absol]

👌 perhaps… 🥺 I love your blogs! You always have the best facial expressions for your characters and your interactions and plots are so like fascinating aa! Also Destino is so… Destino but I love them… i bet they could make Vekpa cry if they really went at him hah. one day. I will stop being a shy weenie and try to send my guys to interact with your characters maybe fjjwiekkdk. Also fellow rat Lover Yes 🧡

(No, you cannot come in here with positivity for me! How dare!!! That is not how this work! Thank you ASDFGHJKL It means a lot

Ok, sometimes in your life you get those people who you think are just really cool and seem like a genuinely awesome person to hang around with? That's you. Your that cool person with the cool blogs that are just cool. So, I first followed your askhoennlegends blog on my other blogs because I thought your art style was crazy good. Huge awe over it. So much so I made a pixelated sprite of your necrozmafied kyogre. I think at the time that was one of the biggest sprites I'd ever made. Shame I don't have that sprite anymore because it's pretty neat. Anyway, the mix of a radical art style with some goofy-ass posts really appealed to me.

Next was the Vekpa blog. The same thing again. This badass art style paired with a goofy Pokémon had such charm for me. Vekpa is the dad I think everyone wishes they had. Fuck, you draw him to look so soft and snuggly??? Bingo and Lunch probably enjoy the fuck out of that. The antics and responses that Vekpa has given has cracked me up sometimes. Lunch's birthday bash was a real hoot!

Now you've got your mewntwo blog. You've pushed the whole mouse thing onto these fuckers and it's just an absolutely super design for them. Like, it makes sense. It works so damn well. I gotta appreciate it. Line art? Smooth as fuck with super line weight attention. Fucking awe inspiring. Choice of colours? Big yes. It's all so pastel-feeling. It makes me feel warm inside. Like, how do you do that?? Are you a wizard??? I wouldn't be surprised. You've got an absolutely gorgeous art style and it's definitely inspired me. I sometimes take a loon at your posts when I'm feeling a bit garbage about my art just to inspire me.

Please. Send your characters to interact. Please. I beg of you. It would be an absolute honour. The implications of it would be fantastic. Honestly, send Vekpa to Flint. That shit would be hilarious as fuck. My man would not be able to handle it. Honestly, Destino could and would make it a personal challenge to make Vekpa cry. Ticking off pissing off legendaries one by one like a checklist. I really do adore all of the characters you've put out. They're genuinely loveable and each charming in their own ways. Your just really cool and I really love all of the stuff you've made. I need to speak with you more really! I need to do it.

Also yes! Rat lovers united! I absolutely enjoy every pic you've posted of your babies. Mine are incredibly old at this point but they look so much like yours. Have a forbidden rat pic. She's grumpy I woke her up.)

[raideo]

can you explain that jojo "this one sparks/does not spark joy" thing? i do not know the context but i want to

This ended up being longer than I intended to write and also has some yucky themes in it so I'm putting it under a cut, but

(edit) ALSO, I can see how that post may be seen as a “this one sparks joy because its all dudes” and “this one does not spark joy because its women” but thats absolutely not what its about- I hope no one takes it to mean that.  It’s that comic spinoff #1 is really rich in story and has returning characters we are all excited to see and #2 is a garbage porn fest lmao  

SO ok- two spinoff comics were announced and have been highly anticipated, one of which stars two characters who would NEVER be associated with each other and the entire fanbase was beside itself with excitement for what we could only imagine was gonna be the wackiest shit ever, because both of them are dumbasses- one is a teen with a heart of gold and the other is a morally questionable (but sometimes ok) cOWBOY?? who used to be one of the bad guys- but like one of the ones who you could always picture switching sides and reluctantly joining up with the good guys (and whose stand is just literally a fucking gun LMAO). So far the first chapter is absolutely AMAZING and is going into the backstories of a bunch of the supporting villain characters from part 3 and exploring their mental states after their leader was defeated and the ptsd they have from how they were extorted and controlled by him. And we are all super hyped to see these characters again and to get more content of them and explorations of their past. The art style is really solid and obviously took a lot of care, and for the most part - aside from Mariah who is known to be a female character that enjoys showing off her body, the women are drawn pretty respectfully. It might be weird to mention this out of nowhere but like- it matters when you get into the OTHER manga that came out this month... ugh I have not READ the other one but from the little bit I read about it, its a one shot about an OC artist that uses Jolyne (A PRISONER IN A PRISON?) as inspiration for her fuckin PORN art? idk man- it seems hella sus, and apparently its trashy as all get out- you can kinda tell by how they draw Jolyne on the main cover that its gonna be super creepy... the main character has a stand that controls the mood of people she draws and she gets obsessed with Jolyne and yeah you can see where this is going.... some creepy stalkery rapey shit ensues. Its literally just horrible fanmade porn that somehow got published as a real spinoff and we (the jojo fans i care to associate myself with at least LMAO) are all over here getting nauseous about what a mess it is. I haven't read it because the synopsis I saw sounded super offputting and the art style makes Jolyne look like shes 12... and just NO, no, a million times no. I made the mistake of looking into it a bit more so I would be able to answer this ask (don't feel bad, I just didn't want to trash talk something I didn't know much about) and also IM SO MAD that they had the NERVE to use Lady Gaga's song Bad Romance as the namesake for the creepy artist stand's name. What a waste bruh...

Anyway yeah- like not to say you cant read it and like- idk get your grim jollies in private but it sounds super yikes and its a mess. Another case of like, yeah I know its fiction and just for fun but hoo boy it just doesn't seem right.

this has been rai's jojo recap, have a nice day LOL

[quarterdollar]

40 is enough do them all

this was foretold in the stars............i deserve this </3

cherry - what is your sexuality?

Bi of Sexual. i like everyone

lollipop - favorite makeup products?

I don’t wear makeup :0 When I did theatre I just used cheap foundation and eyeliner from CVS

daydreams - if you could be anything or anyone, who would you be?

Absolutely I would be a fucked up deep sea ocean creature. Maybe a barreleye fish or an immortal jellyfish

october - what month were you born in?

Late December during the last week of the year. The Forbidden Zone. I get really excited for my birthday because literally nothing else happens between Christmas and New Year’s

caress - do you like to snuggle?

Certain people and stuffed animals yes. I’m choosy though. I used to get touched a lot without my permission </3

ivory - describe your pajamas?

One of four oversized t-shirts in rotation. If it’s hot I don’t wear pants but if it’s chillyish I’ll wear shorts or fuzzy pants

golden - favorite stationary product?

Black Ticonderoga pencils. Easy to fidget with and easy to use

freckles - most-worn article of clothing?

Oversized purple flannel shirt I wear over my shitty clothes when I want to pretend that I look like garbage on purpose in the gay way

twilight - best friend?

you ..........

silk - do you like k-pop?

I’ve liked a few songs here and there but I don’t listen to it nearly ever

poppy - favorite pastel color?

Teal and yellow look best desaturated imo

dimples - most attractive features of a person’s face?

Hmmm eyes and jawline I suppose? But it’s different for everybody you know

sunkissed - autumn or spring?

SPRING...ngl I always thought autumn was overrated because it just reminded me of going back to school

buttery - favorite snack?

Takis!!! i also like honey mustard pretzels and bbq potato chips

whisper - how much sleep do you get?

Not the right amount <3 either too little because of insomnia or too much because my sleep aid knocked me out too hard

pencil - do you own a journal?

I do but I don’t use it. I don’t have the patience to write/draw/whatever every single day

cupcake - are you a good cook?

If I do say so myself yes 😤

honey - favorite term of endearment?

ok GROSS!!! but i like “darling” a lot. also “my [whoever you’re talking to]”. both versatile and applicable to all genders and relationships

clouds - describe one of your favorite dreams?

probably the one where a girl in purple hopped worlds and made a friend wearing red. i wasn’t an active participant in that one it was like watching a movie

velvet - who was your first crush?

a blond girl who was the stage manager for our middle school theatre “department”. i never made any moves but i wonder if anyone could tell lol

paper - favorite children’s book?

Oh man there’s just so many that I like...as I am now I’d probably say The Little Engine That Could. but when I was an actual baby my favorite was one called Moonbeam Bear

peaches - do you have a skincare routine?

I go in the shower and rub a chemical exfoliant all over my horrible face. if my skin is particularly bad i will go back in after with more intense stuff

mochi - favorite studio ghibli film?

PONYO BITCH!!!!!! PONYO IS THE BEST

backyard - did you ever have an imaginary friend?

I had several :) and I still intently talk to myself in my head so I guess I still have one in a way lol

strawberry - favorite fruit?

Overripe bananas. one of the only fruits to never disappoint me.

kiss - have you ever kissed a friend?

I have kissed Three of my friends...one of them was abusive though I do not cherish that particular memory

nightlight - do you read before bed?

Sometimes !! usually books I’ve already read these days. I have all the Sherlock Holmes books downloaded on my phone so I can rage at ACD and feel good about myself

shampoo - favorite scent?

Mmmm probably mint. and clean laundry. and lavender soap

skin - what distant relative are you closest to?

I’m closeish to most of my cousins (Anna if you’re reading this hellooo) and several aunts and uncles :0

aphrodite - favorite actress/actor?

I try to not invest too much in real life people but ohh I am weak for Jude Law alas

cuddles - do you have any pets?

I have a dog

lace - if you own any dresses, which is your favorite?

I do not own any dresses they make me immensely dysphoric

sheets - sanrio or san-x characters?

What the fuck is San-x??? Sanrio all the way I love Chococat and the Show By Rock!! cast but shhhh

cream - frozen yogurt flavor?

MINT CHOCCY CHIPPPP

watermelon - do films ever make you cry?

Not usually but sometimes they do it to me >:( mostly when I’m not expecting it (ugh and sometimes when I am. like Shoplifters)........

sapphos - favorite poet?

The Romantics ESPECIALLY Lord Byron but that’s less because I like their poetry and more because I think they’re cringe and fail and I like reading about all the awful shit they got up to. I like a lot of poems on an individual basis but I can’t really think of any one poet I’ve looked at enough to go “yeah I like this person’s writing in general”

plush - how many stuffed animals do you still own?

SO very many. Mostly of sea creatures and Pokémon

roses - what flower do you find most beautiful?

Orchids. They’re just a lil messed up now aren’t they

sweetheart - favorite mug/cup?

My mug plastered with photographs of my plastic toy fish. You know what I’m talking about but IDK how to explain the multilayered in-joke behind why I own such an object

sunset - what are your pronouns?

he/him/his [does a split]

[c0untb00z]

I would just like to clear, I don't hate the BBC Dracula 2020 Show. In fact, I actually like the idea of Dracula being set in modern times like in the show, but I would like it a lot better if it wasn't written like a fucking reader insert fanfiction.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some reader inserts every once in a while but they're meant to be on Wattpad. Sometimes, you can find really fucking good fanfictions that could genuinly be movies, but this really just feels like someone wrote an erotic fanfiction for Dracula. It almost reminds me of a worse version of 50 Shades of Grey with less kinky sex.

First and foremost Agatha Van Hesling. I actually kinda liked her personality, how driven she was and determined to never give up, but she was literally created for a love interest. In Dracula by Bram Stocker, Sister Agatha is a nun that nurses Jonathan back to health, claiming he was 'sick in the head' as he ranted of what he had seen and warning others of Dracula. She doesn't even have a last name.

However there is a Dr. Van Hesling in the book, hes dutch(???) Professor that mentors and taught(????) Jack Seward who was in love with Lucy, who was fed off of and eventually killed and eventually undead by the means of the one and only Dracula. Dr Van Hesling plays a large role in the plot of the book. He has an open mind and was able to draw connections between things that some others couldn't, as he had access to more sources and could speak to most off the charecters involved. He's the first person to present the idea of a vampire, and Lucy turning into one. Thanks to Jonathan he was able to identify the vampire feeding on Lucy as Dracula and finds out how to kill the vampires.

So basically Agatha was literally fabricataed for the sole perpose of being there, to fall in love with Dracula or something.

I know we all are horny for Dracula. I'm horny for Dracula. Vampires are fucking hot but the sexiest part of vampires is that they ya know. Kill you and are mercily and heartless. The show does show that in a lot of parts and even decapiates a nun and yeets it into a gaggle of nuns which i fucking died at. But it also, humanizes him way to much, hes literally a monster. The scene in the boat with lord whats his name really portrayed that. It was really,,,, weird cause me being a kinky fucker I don't find the particular phrases of "you're going to need to be quiet now," and " youre doing so well" that creepy and if anything a little hot but looking at the circumstance and the look on that kids face, it was like r e a l y fucked up. Which is why i liked that scene. It showed just how fucked up Dracula is.

To be fair i did like Cleas Bangs acting and casting as Dracula. He had a certain charm that was ever so s l i g h t l y off. I heard people say he just 'made up an accent' but fuck you guys its a fucking danish accent you incolent twats anyways. He could be really funny at times and i actually apprecited it.

However the casting AND acting of the modern parts is absolute shit. Ep.3 is where i kinda gave up on the show and finsihed it for the sake of torturing myself. FIRST OF FUCKING ALL LUCY i cannot fathom how P I S S E D i am about Lucy. Why did they have to make her a phone obsessed basic asshole with no regards to anyones emotions besides her own and the extent of her personality is 'getting likes on socail media is all i care about because it makes me feel validated so im gonna wallo in self pity because i was obiously written by white man in his 50s that would have made me white if he wasnt forved to throw in diversity points" like shut the fuck up steven king.

Also lucy and mina never meet??? Theyre in different fucking time lines??? Theyre friendship and love for eachother was fucking golden how dare you rob that form me and give me a garbage bag full of shit with a shiny little bow on top in its place jesus f u ck.

The cemetary scene was o k ay i gues?? I liked the little nod to the book with the bloofer lady and the concept of random sprits being undead because of unfinished buisness. But this really just felt like it was slapped in the show for the sake of going on a date with Dracula in cemetary. I actually kinda apperacted it but it just felt awkward.

Also who the f u ck is Lucy's friend? The gay one??? Like,,,, is that supposed to Arthur???? His chatecter was so fu king weird and offset he just didnt feel like he should be in there. Hes literally just there for a-50-year-old-man's-interpretation-of-young-women-now-a-days verson of Lucy to have a gay best ffriend.

Ok i not even sure if i want to talk about Quincy. It just hurts. It physically hurts me to think about how d i r t y they did my baby. His charecter is the defination of american chivalry, just as great as regular chivarly but with a little extra cowboy vibe. Quincy is jist the biggest,,,, sweet haert,, like he asked lucy to marry him in his cool american cowboy voice cause he knew lucy loved it and it always made her laugh. And even when she turned him down becayse her heart belonged to arthur, he stayed. All he wanted was for lucy to be happy and all he requested was that they stay frirnds. Hes also invovled with taking fkwn dracula although hes not a main charecter percice ly as he doesnt have any entires in the book he still has an amaizing precence and sometimes while reading the book ill be readying one of dr sewards passanges and think "huh i wonder what quncys doin. I hope hes dooin good. Cowboy vibes n stuffs" amd boy dles he do that. Everh dracula film adaptataion robs us. R O B S U S of quincy morris best scene. In the middle of dr van helsing ranting about vampires( thats basically what half of the book is. I could write a 4p minute mono louge of his rambling jesus how does sweard take note of all this) quincy litterally just walks out. And nobodg really pays any notice beside glancing ag his leave and shrugging at one anouther and going back tl listneing tl van helsing explaining his vampire fan theories quincy moris , the quincy morris from texathe untited states of the amerkca the land and the free and also cowboys.stands outside of the bouilding and pints his gun up at. Dracula whos in the shape of a fucking bat eves ddopping outside the window and just fucking,,shoots it. Now he doesnt hit it cause thatt wouldnt be as fun as brutally stabbing the fucker witja wooden stake. But S T I L L. And the fucking bullet hits the window that everybodys in anprobably causes arthur to shit himself the ppoor boy. Can you belive that theh didnt fucking flim thatfor any dracul? Now i i under stands why not put in this adaptation because quincy is only mentionsed like three god damned times. And when theh DK mention him jesusnshit they literally jsut made him some popular jock from amwrica just to conter jacks white twinky ass and then they had him propose to lucy in the middle of a fucking night club and she says yes???? Lile ok jut throw Arthur out a window then cause cause fu c k him i guess. And then after lucy dies he jjsy fucking moves ?? The only thing thta makes this version of qincy quinccy is the fu king name and fact hes from america

Ok now jack fucking seward. He reminds me of when ylu forget you had a pb&j in your back pack so in the bos after school you pull it out cause yoyr hungry and yoyr mom put WAY to much jelly on it so now its like. All obsorbed into the bread and joggy and squished. Just sad and really white. They even had some kid call him whate bread and they werent fucking wrong. His obly personality traits were ' omg i love lucy but shes a hoe ;,,,((' and being connected to Zoe.

Now last and definately least the god forbaden ending. Just thinking about it gives me a fucking head ache. So , jesus, zoe, who is agathas great niece or someshit, a d looks exactly like her (its literally the same fucking actress) is a detective lile scitist reasearching dracula. So dracula is illedatly attracted to her becasue he thinks shes like agathas reincarnation or soenshit. So he tries tk drink her blood at one point and spits it all out and pukes and sjit cause her blood is poisonous bevaise she has fucking c an c e r. So later we find out that draculas weaknesses ( the sun crucifix) arnt actually real hes just afraid of dying so he has like irration fears or some shit so for some fucking reason. They deside. Its a good iea to end the show with this:

Dracula fucking drinks all of zoes blood killing her and himself because her blood poisonus. And ghe fucking emd scene is them like,,, in the sun???? Or soemt hi ng??? And theyre naked and like presumably fucked and dracula says some shit like " its doesnt have to hurt" and i almost tore my wrist open wiith my teeth because of how shitty this ending is.

Not lnly is it disrespectful to zoe but agatha, agathas whole thing was K I L I N G. dracula she wanted him fucking D E A D she woULDNT FUCK HKM

And like just after finding out that he can be in the sunlight with out fucking dying and that crosses just make him umcomfortable or some shit he just desides to kill himself??? DUDE YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOURE PROACTICALLY MORE INVINCABLE THAN YOU WERE BEFORE AND YOU JSUT FUCKING OFF YOUR SELF ??? HE COULD HAVE FUCKING RULED ENGLAD AND SPEAD VAMPIRISM OLL LVER THE FUCKING COUNTFY AND WORLD KF HE TRIED HARD ENOUGH AND HE KILLS HIMSELF BECAUSE THEY WANTED A STUPID SAPPY ENDING

anyway if anyone actually goes through the effort of reafing my god damn eS S A Y about Dracula that i finkshed typing (im not gonna bother editing tbh) at 4 fucking am. Then thank you and please get a life

[lovemesomerafael]

It’s Complicated                      Chapter 9:  Aggravated Crimes

Source:  @viennainspring

Chapters 1-5   Chapter 6   Chapter 7   Chapter 8   Read Story on AO3

Barba was not happy.  In fact, he was angry, confused, and frustrated.  It hadn’t been a good couple of weeks, and there was no reason at all for that.  It should have been a great couple of weeks.  He’d gotten all the evidence in for the Fowler trial, even with Judge Paul “Evidence?  What Evidence?” Ivanovitch.  He’d practically made Trevor Langan cry when he got both Gonzalez brothers indicted. His Mami had finally given up the idea of a mother/son cruise without him having to actually admit he’d rather be eaten alive by a rabid wildebeest.  And he’d finally gotten somewhere with Adrien St. George.  Life was good.  So why was he so out of sorts?

Well, he knew one reason.  Something was off in the romance department.  He’d taken Janice Edwards to dinner a couple weeks before, thinking he’d just have a nice, relaxing night with a woman who didn’t require a lot of effort, followed by some uninspired but guaranteed sex.  She was certainly a lot less difficult than, for example, Francisca Rojas, with a much lower likelihood of fisticuffs breaking out between the appetizers and the entrée.  And Janice hadn’t done anything wrong or different, except that Barba had found himself bored out of his mind and couldn’t face the idea of spending the night with her. So he hadn’t.  Lunch with Bess Quinn had been just fine until he’d said something she didn’t like.  He’d tried to get her to talk about it – hell, no doubt Francisca would have been perfectly happy to blast him right there at the table – but Bess had simply frozen him out for the rest of the meal.  He tried to remember whether she’d always been like that, and had to admit that she had. He just hadn’t cared before.  And his date with Adrien, who was the worst but sexiest court administrator he’d ever seen, had been – OK.  She was interesting enough.  Maybe not “arrested for murdering her ex-boyfriend” interesting, but that was a good thing, right?  And speaking of Francisca, Adrien wasn’t nearly as difficult, and she actually seemed to like him.  Everything with Adrien was just fine.  She’d even invited herself back to his apartment after the opera.  He didn’t understand what had happened, but what had happened was… nothing.  They’d had a drink and he’d sent her home in a cab.  

At first, he’d thought maybe he needed a vacation or something.  But then he realized that what he needed was to stop comparing every woman to Francisca Rojas.  

The more he thought about it, the angrier at her he became.  She was just like the rest of her privileged ilk, swishing around in her Prada and pearls, positive that the moral high ground was her birthright and turning up her nose at the idea that sometimes life got messy.   And where the hell did she get off bludgeoning him for using a common phrase like “spin a story”?  People said that all the time, for fuck’s sake, it wasn’t intended as a moral indictment of her character.  I can’t date you if you think I did something bad?  What kind of bullshit was that?  Fuck, he hated rich, entitled people like her.

 *********

Her skirt was soft, brushed suede and fit her beautifully, modest and insanely sexy at the same time.  Rafael could only imagine the price tag.   Her silky fuchsia button-down blouse was a filmy, clingy cloud that exerted a draw on his eyes so powerful that he constantly had to refocus, tearing his gaze from the few buttons she’d casually left undone and the swell of her breasts.  It physically hurt him, somewhere in the center of his chest, to look at her and want her as much as he did, to remember what it was like to work and argue and laugh with her, sick with the knowledge that, in truth, she was not who he’d briefly allowed himself to imagine she was.  Instead, he had been right all along.  She was everything he hated.

“I needed to talk to you about something.  I’d really rather not discuss this here, and I’m sorry I had to ask Carmen to put me on your schedule, but I haven’t been able to connect with you.”

“What is it you need, Doctor?”  Was Barba’s voice cold?  Was he purposely continuing to focus on his computer screen rather than look at her?  That was not what she’d come to expect from him.  She had never seen him intentionally impolite, but he was now.

“May I close your door?”

He waved nonchalantly, still not looking at her.

“May I sit?”  The edge that now crept into in her voice finally made him look up.  

“Go ahead,” he said without inflection, flicking a hand in the direction of the chairs before his desk.

Maybe he thought she was still upset with him.  Of course, she thought, that had to be it.  He didn’t know why she was here.  “I’ve learned some things that you deserve to know.  And I owe you an apology.”

He didn’t respond.  He stayed still, not a flicker of emotion crossing his closed features, and he said nothing.  What the hell?

“I know why Juwon Jefferson came forward with his information about Alan Canady.  I swear on my mother’s grave that I didn’t kill Alan, and I believe that every word Jefferson said was true.  But you were right.  He was… coerced.”

Still Barba said nothing.  He kept his face completely neutral, but his breathing had become just a bit deeper and, consciously or not, he was clenching his jaw.  Which didn’t look to Frankie like surprise.  Well, she’d expected him to be mad.  He was entitled to some righteous anger at her for taking such a holier-than-thou attitude with him when she left his apartment. She’d certainly expected a hefty ration of mocking for being so wrong.  Except this looked like… disgust.  Hate, almost.

“I needed to tell you that you were right, and I was wrong.  And I apologize to you for the way I reacted.”

Frankie had said what she had to say, so she waited for him to respond.  Maybe he was thinking about what he wanted to say?  She tried to be patient and give him time to do that.  It ended up taking a full minute.

“And what is it you want from me in return for this blinding revelation that I can, in fact, see what’s right in front of my nose and may perhaps not be an entirely soulless bottom-dweller after all?  Or am I giving myself too much credit?”

Frankie recoiled as though he had struck her.  She felt like he had. 

“I think you once told me you like being on the receiving end of an apology.”  She tried a small smile, which died as she looked into his eyes.

“I don’t particularly like anything about this conversation, Doctor.  What is it you want?”

“Barba, I…  I don’t want anything from you.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I don’t understand.  What…  We were starting to be friends before Jefferson, weren’t we?  And I messed that up.  I’m trying to fix that.  I need you to know that I know you were right, but I’m having a hard time dealing with that, and I…  just…”

“Ah.  So that’s it.  You want absolution.  You want me to tell you that you’re still pure as the driven snow, even though somebody else had to get dirty to keep you that way, and I had the regrettably poor breeding to mention it.” 

“What?  No, I…” 

“Apology accepted.  Now, did you need anything else?  Anything work-related?” 

“What’s this about?  Why are you talking to me like this?  I said I was wrong, and I’m sorry…”

“I heard you.  And I’ve accepted your apology.  You’ll forgive me if I don’t give you a damn parade for it.”

“I don’t want-“

“What do you want?  I’ve asked you that several times since you waltzed in here and I have yet to get an answer.  I have things to do, even if you don’t.” 

Frankie was blindsided and too wounded even to feel anger at this point.  She was too appalled even to cry.  This was far worse than when Alan had turned on her.  With Alan, there had been some warning.  It had come on gradually.  Besides which, she had never had deep feelings for Alan.  But this, with Barba…  she had fallen in love with him, never having the first inkling this side of him existed.  So he had been able to get right next to her heart before he struck. 

She stumbled out of his office, her only instinct being to run.  Just as it had been with Alan.

Unbelievable.  It was exactly as he’d thought.  Expressing all sorts of wonderment at having discovered – apparently all by herself, as though Barba hadn’t said it to her five minutes after it happened - that someone beat the tar out of Juwon Jefferson to make him come forward.  And then she just sat there, all big eyes and expectation, as though he was going to – what?  Thank her for sharing?  Congratulate her on her wisdom and foresight in having friends who would put themselves in that kind of jeopardy for her?  It had been all he could do not to throw her out of his office.  

 ******************

The suspect was a notorious South American playboy, son of a diplomat, who appeared entirely uninterested in the severity of the aggravated rape charges pending against him.  The entire Western Hemisphere knew that Guillermo Maduro could speak English if he chose, but he insisted on being interrogated in Spanish, which meant that Barba and Rojas were doing the questioning.  They both hated Maduro on sight, as did everyone who had been involved in his arrest.  That wasn’t going to get them any evidence they could use, however, which was why, at that moment, Frankie was laughing softly at his inappropriate joke and touching her hair. 

Maduro was a pig.  He kept aiming his hooded gaze at her breasts, then raising his eyebrows.  She wanted to pull a garbage bag over herself to protect her body from his leer, but she swallowed her disgust and preened instead.  Barba wanted to kill him.  As he watched Maduro basically lick Francisca with his eyes, Barba had recurring fantasies of taking him out with a hatchet.  

“Come on, Doctor, it’s different for people like us, yes?” Maduro’s voice, as he apparently tried to sound smooth, sounded instead like a cold lump of Vaseline.

Barba could feel his pulse throbbing in his temples.  He remembered hearing someone say something like that, a long time ago, to differentiate themselves from him.    

“Tell me,” Frankie said.  Every instinct she had told her to punch Maduro in his drooling mug.   Instead, she tried to look demure and interested instead.  “What does that mean?”

“Those people, they have all these tired rules.”  

“Such as?”

“Oh, come now, Doctor.  This woman, she says I attacked her.  I did not attack.  A man like me, I do not need to attack.  But your police pretend to believe her because of the news.  They must look as though they believe that woman over me.”

“But they should believe you over her,” Frankie said.

“Well,” Maduro bestowed his wide, white, greasy smile on her.  “Of course, we cannot say these things too loudly. You know how those kind of people are.  People who do not understand, they will misinterpret.”

It came to Barba in that moment where he had last heard someone so shamelessly asserting that money and social standing came with different rules. It had been at Harvard, during a cocktail party that Rafael had attended as an officer of La Alianza, the Latino student association at the law school.  He was standing close together with two other officers of the group, feeling small and wildly out of place.  His little knot of overwhelmed students were standing just to the side of a large, well-lubricated group in which a tall, red-faced white man was holding forth about how admirable it was that Harvard allowed “those kinds of people” to attend so that they could return home and “fix their neighborhoods.”  The talk went on to a discussion of how “people like that” simply had “different values,” “didn’t understand how we do things” and, after graduation would be happiest if they returned to where they were “comfortable.”  From there, it had only gotten worse.  By the time Rafael finally signaled that they should simply leave, the President of La Alianza, a young woman of Venezuelan descent who seemed mousy until she opened her mouth and blew you away with her rhetorical skills, actually had tears in her eyes.  Maduro would have fit right in with that Harvard crowd except, of course, that he would not have been welcome.

“You can tell us,” Frankie purred.  “We’ll understand.”

“Yes, I can see by your clothes, both of you, that you are not like the police.  We are a different sort, aren’t we?  We understand each other.”

For a moment, Frankie thought that Barba had exploded out of his chair in order to attack Maduro.  She wouldn’t have blamed him, but she prepared to try to intervene.

“Dr. Rojas, a word, please.”  His voice was low and tight.

In the squad room, Rafael poured himself a cup of coffee and drank half of it before he spoke.

¿Estas bien?  ¿Cuál es el problema?[1]  Frankie asked, concern evident on her face and in her posture as she stood and touched his arm.  He roughly threw her hand from him.  That stung, but she chose to ignore it.

“That man is…  I can’t even think of words vile enough.”

“And you know all the good ones, too,” she said, trying to lighten the mood.  “Good idea to take a break for a while.”

They walked slowly back toward the hallway where Benson, Dodds, and Carisi stood in front of the one-way window into the interrogation room, chatting together.  Still speaking Spanish, Frankie and Rafael stayed to the side of that group as Frankie tried to understand what was happening with Barba.  Of course, she had been trying to figure that out since he’d basically tossed her out of his office the other day, but that was a different matter.

“I find it incomprehensible that you can be so obsequious to him.”

“I’m not being obsequious.  Maybe a lot more sympathetic than I really feel…”

“He doesn’t seem to bother you.”  

That got under Frankie’s skin.  “Well, I’m going to take that as a compliment to my rapport-building skills, because I detest that prick.  When he’s gone, I’m gonna bleach my brain to get him out.  This whole precinct.  Maybe the entire city.”

“Really.”  Rafael’s voice had a nasty edge.

Frankie was stunned.  He could not be serious.  He could not be saying that he thought she had any sympathy for that cretin.  “Of course, really.  I fucking hate that asshole.”

“Are you sure?  Because that’s not what it looks like from here.”

“That’s not what it’s supposed to look like from here.  You do understand what I’m trying to do here, right?”

“Yeah, I’m familiar with the basic concept of flirtation, Doctor.”

The hurt in her eyes was unmistakable, as was the shock at this fresh assault.  She physically flinched.  When she responded, there was no trace of challenge, vanity, or anything resembling humor in her voice.  There was only a raw plea.

“Barba, can we be real for just a second?  Please?  This man is filth.  I want to just brick in the windows and doors and leave him in there to rot.  Yeah, I’m trying to build rapport with him by putting my gag reflex on hold and pretending to be sympathetic.  Because that’s my job.   I’m doing it to get him.  Is that not clear to you?  You and I are on the same side.”

“People like you and Maduro, are you ever really on any side, other than your own?”

She didn’t intend to do it.  She didn’t even see it coming.  If she had, she certainly would have stopped herself.  But when she heard Barba, the man she loved, lump her together with the smarmy, hateful rapist in the box, Frankie emitted a loud, wordless yell as the last of her patience frayed and snapped.  She reached back and slapped him across the face as hard as she possibly could.  Which was pretty hard. 

“You prejudiced snob asshole!  I am nothing like him!  And I will finish this interrogation on my own because I really, really need you to get the fuck out of my sight.”

There was no sound but the soft clunk of Rafael’s shoes as he walked out of the squad room.

Frankie turned a deep shade of red and stormed back into the interrogation room.

Standing next to the one-way glass, Dodds leaned in to Carisi, asking softly, “What do you suppose he said?”

“With Barba?  It’s anyone’s guess.  I’m just glad I got to be here to see that!”

“Neither of you saw that,” Olivia said severely.

Carisi blinked, innocence flowing down to cover his expression like a mask.  “Saw what, Lieu?” 

Olivia went into the box.  She wasn’t exactly bilingual, but her Spanish would have to do.  It was enough.  By the time she and Rojas emerged again, Frankie had flirted Guillermo Maduro into a noose he was not going to escape.   Olivia didn’t think some of the names she’d called him after his confession were particularly necessary, but then she didn’t think they were all really aimed at Maduro, either.

 Rafael walked down the hall to the elevators, holding his cheek and smiling like an absolute lunatic.  In one second, the bottom had dropped out of his carefully-constructed self-delusion at the same time a blinding ray of hope pierced the sky.  That slap had hurt for sure.  But now he understood, and he knew that he deserved it.

Francisca Rojas was nothing like the caricature he’d painted of her in his mind, and she’d done absolutely nothing to deserve the way he’d treated her. She had been nothing but her genuine self every moment he’d known her.  It was all him.  He was the asshole.  

He had treated her like absolute garbage when they’d met, for no reason other than his own – well, she’d said it - snobbery and prejudice.  But then, as soon as he could swoop in and protect her from Alan Canady, and be her stability when she’d been rocked to her core by her arrest, he had been perfectly happy to fall in love with her.  Yes, Barba, admit it, you fell in love even before she did. Because when she was in need, he could feel superior to her.  But the moment she’d begun to recover, to show signs of strength and self-sufficiency, he’d reverted to the scholarship kid from Harvard and rejected her before she could reject him.  Or something like that.  It didn’t matter.  What mattered was that he had finally seen the truth of who she’d been all along, and it was so clear and obvious he marveled at his own disastrous ability to pretend otherwise for as long as he had. 

Oh, he was a complete and utter dick; he had no illusions about that anymore.  But he would make that up to her if it took him the rest of his life, and he would love every second of it.  And she’d let him.  No matter what he had to do, he would get her back, and he would make her let him apologize to her until she could no longer even remember what he was apologizing for.  Rafael would never have imagined he could be so deliriously happy about getting smacked around by the woman he loved in front of a room full of cops.  

What to do?  Fill her apartment with roses.  No, she was a little too pissed for that right now; she was likely to stuff them all in his apartment and take a flamethrower to them.  Go to her on his knees with the biggest diamond ring he could find.  No again, and for the same reason.  If he put his chin in the neighborhood of her legs right now, she would boot him into New Jersey.  Hold a boom box over his head outside her apartment window?  Still no.  She said she could shoot the eye out of… something small.  The point was, that wasn’t going to work. 

 OK, he was going to have to find a way to get her to at least hear what he had to say.  He smiled evilly.  There was one sure-fire way to do that.  And he knew some very clever people who would help him make it happen.  By the time she figured out she’d been had, hopefully he would have at least talked her into not killing him.  What was a little unlawful imprisonment after everything else he’d done to her?

 For the rest of the day, Rafael felt really stupid wearing a dopey grin around all the time.  But he couldn’t seem to get rid of it. 

 ***************

“Carisi, I got an assignment for you.”

“Yeah, Sarge.  What is it?”

“Well, it’s a little bit off the books.  So feel free to say no.  It’s kind of a personal favor for Barba.”

 ************

Sitting in the back seat of the squad car, Frankie thought this might be what an out-of-body experience felt like.  She had been upset for days after Barba had basically thrown her out of his office, and she still had no idea what she’d done to deserve it.  Then, today, the things he’d said…  The things he’d accused her of…  And then, as though she had never done the slightest bit of work on controlling her temper, as though she was a teenage drama queen or a big-haired siren on a telenovela, she’d slapped Barba across the face in front of the entire NYPD.  Or at least, that’s how it had felt.  

Now, as though she wasn’t unhinged enough, Dodds and Carisi were hustling her to some building somewhere, where there was a man who needed… something. It was all still confusing to her, but Dodds kept reassuring her that they just needed her psychiatric expertise to talk to this guy.  He didn’t have a hostage.  He didn’t have any weapons, there was no danger, he was just a guy who, for some reason unfathomable to Frankie, they needed her to talk to.  It was ridiculous and doomed to failure, because she knew absolutely nothing about this man or what his issues were, but Frankie had worked for a federal bureaucracy for a long time.  Sometimes the brass made decisions for reasons known only to them and God.  And sometimes even God was a little iffy on the logic.  

The car pulled up to a small, empty-looking unit in an industrial park.  In the fading light of late afternoon, the unit appeared to be a few offices attached to a larger space that could be used for a small manufacturing or warehousing business. It was sort of a lonely-looking area since it was after business hours and at least half the units appeared to be untenanted.   

“OK, so, Doc, you stay here.  We’re gonna go in, do a little recon, talk to the guy and see if everything’s secure.  Won’t take more than a minute or two.  As long as everything’s kosher, we’ll come out and get you.”

“OK, whatever.  I still say this is a jacked up way to be doing things.”

“Welcome to the NYPD,” Carisi grinned, unfolding his long legs from the vehicle.

The two walked toward the door of the unit, tried it and found it unlocked, then went in.  In her tired irritation, Frankie nonetheless had a second to notice how good Dodds and Carisi looked together.  She really hoped something nice would happen for them.  Which kicked her mind back over into the track it had been stuck in. What the hell was the matter with Rafael Barba?  And what was she going to do about it?

Only a few minutes later, Dodds and Carisi stepped out the front door of the office section of the unit, signaling her.  Frankie sighed, looped her carryall over her shoulder, and got out of the car.  She went to them.

“So?  What’s the situation?”

“It’s all good.  Come on in,” Dodds said.  “Everything’s copacetic, we just need you to talk to this guy.”

Shaking her head slightly, Frankie walked through the door Carisi held open for her.  She didn’t see the look that passed between him and Dodds behind her.  She found herself in a small reception area empty of furniture, with a short hallway running toward a door that appeared to connect to the larger workroom/warehouse section of the unit.  Two doors opened on each side of the hallway.

“He’s in the last office on the left,” Dodds said.  “We’ll wait here in the lobby.”

Frankie walked uncertainly down the hallway to the door Dodds had indicated, then knocked.

“Come in,” a male voice said.  

She opened the door and was stunned to see Barba sitting on the edge of a bare metal desk.  

“What the hell…?”  She said.

“Come on in.  Have a seat,” he said, indicating two cheap stacking chairs with metal frames and torn fabric seats.  

“What’s going on?” Frankie asked, scowling at Barba and considering backing up out of the room.

“I need to talk to you,” he answered, his voice softer and kinder than she’d heard it for months.

At that moment, she heard the front door of the unit close, and the sound of something metal.  

“What...”  She turned and rushed down the hall to see Dodds and Carisi just finishing padlocking the door on the outside.  She yelled at them and pounded on the door, but they simply waved at her, smiling, and went to sit in their squad car.

She pulled her phone from her carryall and texted Dodds.

Frankie Rojas:

WTF

Mike Dodds:

Listen to him.

Frankie Rojas:

I will break the glass out of this door.

Mike Dodds:

Good luck with that.  It’s unbreakable Hammerglass.  Let him say what he has to say.

 She tried Carisi.

 Frankie Rojas:

Don’t be a party to this BS – you’re nicer than them.

Sonny Carisi:

Dodds is my boss, Barba’s helping me get hooked up with the D.A.’s office.

Frankie Rojas:

I am vengeful and creative and have a long memory.

Sonny Carisi:

He needs to talk to you. Let him.

 Frankie blew out her breath in annoyance as she leaned her back against the wall of the lobby.  From down the hall she heard Barba call, “I could have told you they’re on my side, but you would have tried anyway.”

“I could call other cops.  Cops who don’t owe you favors,” she shouted to him.

“That’s why Dodds and Carisi are staying.  Just in case they need to intervene.”

“I really hate you right now.”

“I know.  But you’ll get over it.”

 [1]   Are you OK? What’s the problem?

@scarletsoldierrr thanks for asking to be tagged and liking "I get around” Barba!

[meetmeinthematinee]

Torn

AN: Probs going to be a multichapter fic so have no fear, while this is fluffy there is a 100% chance of smut in the future. 

A botched bookbinding attempt leads to a meet-cute for John Wick and small paper shop owner Kristen.

“Motherfucker!” John was frustrated. He had just ripped a page in the book he was supposed to be restoring. He leaned back hard against his chair and covered his face with his hands. He stayed that way for a moment, not quite ready to survey the damage. As he slid his hands down his face he opened his eyes and leaned forward, taking in a breath as he looked over the ragged inch long tear. It’s not too bad he thought. It wasn’t great, obviously, considering it was a pricey tome that he had planned on keeping for himself -- but it was fixable. He sulked for another moment before getting up and gathering the supplies he’d need for the repair job. He kept everything neatly arranged in the cabinet under the counter top across from his workbench. He pulled out the paste and brush he’d use to seal up the tear but came up empty handed when he went to grab the vellum needed to smooth everything out. “Fuck!” He exclaimed as he slammed the cabinet shut.

Normally he ordered everything from an online paper restoration dealer but he really didn’t feel like putting the project on hold for the week it would take for shipping. He glanced at his watch. It was 11:30AM. Plenty of time to go hunt down some vellum from somewhere he thought as his stomach growled. “And lunch.” He said that last part aloud to no one in particular. Since losing Helen meals had become a chore -- one he often forgot about entirely. He spread his hands out in front of him and leaned against the counter for support. It had been a year and change since he’d lost her and the dog and the car and the house and ultimately his retirement. He inhaled deeply through his nose and exhaled through his mouth slowly. Trying to fight against the wave of grief crashing over him. He laughed bitterly to himself as he realised he was using his tactical training -- box breathing -- to regain his composure and slow his racing thoughts. After a minute he pushed away from the counter and headed upstairs.

None of the big box craft stores had what he needed. As a last ditch effort at salvaging this disaster of a day he pulled out his phone and searched for a paper store. There was one not too far from where he was now. “Perfect.” He muttered before slipping his phone back into his pocket and peeling out of the parking lot.

He was hungry and irritated by the time he got into the shop. He didn’t even hear the friendly greeting called out by the person behind the register when he walked in. An entire wall of the shop was filled with wooden cubby like shelving that held what seemed like hundreds of kinds of paper in every colour one could ever think of. That’s a hopeful sign he thought as he made a beeline for it. He scanned the wall for what he was looking for and was startled when he heard a voice next to him. “Are you looking for something in particular?” “Vellum” he replied a little bit sharper than he intended. He was rattled. How the hell did she get so close without me noticing? He wondered. Was he quiet, yes. A Man of few words? Notoriously so. The kind to not pay attention and get crept up on in a fucking paper store? Absolutely not. “Uhh, ok.” She replied. “Is there a particular colour you’re looking for? All our vellum is in this section here.” She pointed and when he nodded in response she walked back over to her spot at the register. He went over and pulled out a stack of plain white vellum and then did a bit of browsing around before settling on a couple of Japanese brush tip pens to go with his paper. She was behind the register folding up a small bright green piece of paper. He watched for a moment before stepping forward and putting his items down. “Does your boss mind you making things on the clock?” He asked. She groaned inwardly, looked up from her small project and laughed. “That’s one of the many perks of owning your own shop” She said with a tight smile. He looked sheepishly away from her. She must think I’m a gigantic asshole he thought to himself. “So, do you draw?” She said eyeing the thick stack of vellum. He looked at her again and said “I bind and restore books.” Her eyes widened in surprise and lit up with delight. “That’s fascinating! I’d love to see your work sometime.” She blurted out. He nodded. “I can do that.” He said after a moment. He paid for his items and she handed him the tiny, bright green origami dog she had made along with her business card. The bells over the door tinkled as he stepped back out into the world.

John was still feeling off balance. Food. You need to eat he thought to himself. He stopped at his favourite cafe, a French spot that had the best ham and cheese sandwiches and a cozy walled in patio out back of the place. He ordered a sandwich along with an iced coffee and an almond croissant for later on. I mean, I’m here -- I might as well he decided. There was a free spot on the back patio so he settled into a chair and made quick work of the sandwich. He enjoyed the warmth of the sun on his shoulders as he finished the rest of his iced coffee occasionally swirling the ice around in the glass absentmindedly while he watched the only entrance from behind the safety of his dark sunglasses.

He pulled out his house keys to unlock the door and caught a flash of green as something fell out of his pocket. He bent down and picked up the origami dog that the woman from the paper shop had given him. He turned it over in his hands and shook his head as he stepped inside to be greeted by an overexcited Dog. Kicking off his shoes he dropped everything on the counter and knelt to give Dog some much needed attention. “Yes, I’m home.” “Good boy.” He said as he scratched behind Dog’s ears as the pup desperately tried to lick his face. He stood up with a huff and headed back down to his basement workshop.

The fact that the tear was so ragged actually made the repair job easier. A clean slice was much more challenging to fix. He thought about how the opposite held true for human beings. A clean slice was easy to stitch up and would heal nicely. A ragged tear would be a challenge to close up and would heal into a very visible scar. There was some overlap between the skill set he used for work and his hobby but the differences were what made it so fulfilling. Work was all precision and speed, brutal and visceral destruction. Book binding also required precision but it allowed him to take something that was on the verge of destruction and pull it back from the brink -- restoring it lovingly and giving it life anew. It was slow, meditative work that was tactile and creative but in a very structured way.

As he waited for the paste to dry he found his mind wandering again to the woman at the shop. How she had flown right under his radar? How had she made him feel so vulnerable without even realising it. What the hell was that about? He could barely admit to himself that something in his chest jumped when she smiled so warmly with excitement in her eyes over his hobby -- especially after he had been so rude earlier. That off balance feeling returned again and this time well fed and safely alone at home he realised he had felt it before. When he had met Helen. Fuck.

He threw himself into work for the next few weeks. Taking job after job hoping that the more time that passed since his visit there would mean he’d think about her less and would shake that feeling. It hadn’t worked. At night, when he was alone, his thoughts would drift to her and he’d feel ridiculous for it. He was a grown man not some heartsick teenage boy. He knew absolutely nothing about her aside from the fact that she owned a business. For all he knew she wasn’t even single. He hoped she was and at the same time desperately hoped she wasn’t. Especially since there was no getting out this time. That much had been made crystal clear to him and was part of the reason he had so many jobs. He had killed so many people in the weeks after Helen’s death that many of the best had been eliminated from the business. The high table was struggling to find good, qualified help so they eventually stopped sending people after him. He had single-handedly wiped out a generation of killers and not an insignificant number of their trainers either.

John was sprawled on the couch with a book when Dog trotted into the room making some munching sounds. He was a good dog but he did love to chew the occasional thing when John had been away too long. A bit of bright green was poking out of Dog’s teeth. “Give!” John got up and pulled the now drool soaked paper from his mouth. “Where did you get this?” he wondered aloud as he pinched the slobbery little origami dog between his fingers. He threw it in the garbage and stood for a moment thinking about her. It’s time to put a stop to this nonsense he thought grabbing his car keys. Padding down into the basement he picked up the now fully restored book he had been working on when he’d met her and slid it into his leather bag.

The bells over the door jangled as he walked in and narrowly avoided tripping over a small dog that was wandering around near the door. “Gremlin, bed!” She said and pointed toward the counter. The little thing sauntered away from John slowly. “Sorry about that, vellum” she said with a smirk. “Gremlin over there is a cautionary tale on why you should name your pets carefully. He lives up to his name a little too much sometimes.” John shook his head a little and arched a brow. “Vellum?” He asked. “Yeah, you never introduced yourself when you were here last.” She said as a hint of pink spread across her cheeks. “John.” He said warmly and extended a hand. “Kristen” she said as she slid her hand into his for a shake. Her grip was firm, confident and that smile returned to her face. “So John, what do you need today?” She asked letting go of his hand. “Just you.” He thought, but it actually came out of his mouth instead. He froze realising what had happened. Kristen was taken aback at his directness. In the weeks since this handsome but brusque man came into her shop she found herself hoping he’d reappear, newly bound book in hand. She wasn’t prepared for this though. He cleared his throat. “What I meant was” he said slowly, staring down at her. “I was just about to leave and get a coffee. Would you like to join me?” She said cutting him off mid sentence while gracefully letting him off the hook at the same time. He was quiet for a moment, relaxing the death grip he had on the strap of his leather bag. She could have sworn she saw a slight blush ghost across his face. “Yeah, I’d like that.” He replied. Kristen turned and called out “Steph!” “Yeah?” Came a voice from somewhere at the back of the shop. Where’d they come from he wondered. He hadn’t even noticed that someone else was in there with them. “Steph, I’m going to take my break now ok? Be sure to keep an eye on Gremlin. He’s trying to trip people again.” A short dark haired and heavily tattooed 20 something popped into view. “You’re not taking him with -- oh.” She said when she looked up from the box she was carrying and saw John standing somewhat awkwardly by the counter. “Gotcha boss, take your time.” Steph said with an amused smirk. Grabbing her purse Kristen headed out the door with John.

There was a small cafe a few doors down from the shop. Noticing a table was free Kristen gestured to it. “If you snag the table I’ll get our stuff, what would you like? They have really great scones here.” She offered. John held up his hands. “No. It’s on me. What’s your usual?” He countered with a smile. She shook her head slightly. “Fine, but only because we’re holding up the line.” She laughed. “I’ll have a coffee and a lemon poppy seed scone, please.” He smiled and headed off to put in their order as she laid claim to their table.

He reappeared with both coffees and two scones balanced in his hands. “Show off.” She teased playfully as he set everything down. He just shrugged and smirked at her. Her hand brushed his as he passed her the coffee and Kristen’s heart sank when she caught sight of the wedding ring on his finger. She hadn’t noticed it before. Of course. She thought to herself. Of course he’s married. She felt incredibly foolish all of a sudden. She pointed at his scone “Goat cheese and chive?” John nodded. “I’m more of a sweet over savoury guy but this looked too good to pass up.” He said with a smile. “Are you a sweet guy though?” She asked him rather pointedly. “Depends on who you ask.” He said heavily, his smile vanishing from his face. She could see how hurt he looked but she continued anyway. “I mean, maybe I read this whole thing wrong and if so that’s on me but I’m 99% sure this is halfway to a date, yes?” John’s face clouded with confusion. “You’re not wrong.” He admitted staring into his coffee. He finally made eye contact with her and watched her grow irritated. “I don’t understand.” He said. “Listen John, people have different arrangements and that’s fine but I’m not interested.” She cast a pointed glare at his wedding ring and went to stand. Before she could he grabbed her hand quickly. “Please stay” he said quietly, almost shyly. “I’ll explain.” The amount of pain in his eyes was clear enough for her to see. Either this guy is a sociopath and is about to tell me some next level lies, she thought, or he’s been through some shit. She was hoping for the latter. “I’ll stay but I would like my hand back.” She shot him a hesitant smile. I’m really fucking this up he thought. He let go of her hand and took a long sip of his coffee.

“I was married and those five years we had together were the happiest in my life. She meant absolutely everything to me. Everything.” He said quietly. He was talking so lowly that she could barely hear him over the din of the cafe so she leaned in closer, not wanting to interrupt him. John cleared his throat and looked up at her. “Helen died a year and a half ago.” Her name caught in his throat and he felt like someone had just landed a crushing blow against his sternum. “I’m still wearing my ring because I.” The pain in his eyes was almost unbearable to witness. Kristen felt relief followed immediately by a wave of guilt for it. She put her hand over his and gently ran her thumb across his knuckles. “I’m sorry for your loss John.” She said simply, not to cut him off but to make it clear she understood. He covered her hand with his and she smiled softly at him but didn’t move away. They sat like that for a few more moments until he chuckled softly. She eyed him curiously, not knowing how to respond. “If this is halfway to a date your scone choice is a bold one.” he said stealing a piece off of it and popping it into his mouth. “What’s bold about lemon popp--oh” she broke off and laughed. “After accusing you of being a philanderous scoundrel I think poppy seeds in my teeth are the least of my worries right now.” She grimaced. John laughed warmly at that. He leaned forward and grabbed her hand. “Never apologise for having boundaries. You look out for yourself. I respect that.” He said, squeezing her hand. She grinned broadly at him and her eyes crinkled softy at their edges, happiness illuminating her face. She was absolutely stunning.

“I brought that book I bound -- if you’d like to see it.” He offered. Kristen checked her phone. “Oh shoot! It’s nearly closing time -- would you mind showing me at the shop?” She asked. “No, I don’t mind at all.” “After you.” He said.

The bells jangled over the door as they walked in and Gremlin came scrambling over. John laughed as the tiny dog slid on the floor. “What is he?” He asked furrowing his brow. “He’s a chug.” “A what?” “A Chihuahua - Pug” You and Steph answered in unison. He smiled and shook his head. “I think my dog is at least 5 of Gremlin” “Oh! What kind of dog is it?” She practically cooed. “It’s a pit-bull, his name is...Dog.” John said with a laugh. Kristen grinned again. “They’re such sweethearts!” Steph cleared her throat “Well, I’m off! See you tomorrow, 10AM right?” “Yep! Thanks for your work today, I’ll see you tomorrow Steph.” Kristen said with a wave.

John waited by the counter while Kristen flipped the sign and locked the door. He watched the way she moved across the shop. Her confident stride punctuated by the sway of her hips. She was much shorter than him and her dark jeans hugged her in a way that had John thinking about what it would feel like to wrap his hands around her waist and feel her soft skin under his fingers as he pulled her against him. Fuck. It had been a long time since he had felt this way about anyone.

She appeared at his side with Gremlin not far behind. “Let’s go to my office -- I don’t want people to think the shop’s open.” She suggested. She grabbed his hand and lead him through the door at the back of the shop. They settled onto the small couch across from her desk. John carefully pulled his book from his bag and took out his phone to show her a couple of pre-restoration photos and explain his process. “Wow.” She marvelled. “May I?” She asked with her hands poised over the book. John smiled and nodded. She gently ran her hands over the oxblood leather, traced her fingers over the gold leafed vine pattern and then gently lifted the cover. The first page read ‘This book was bound by John Wick’. She smiled up at him and bumped his shoulder with hers. “This is so gorgeous John” “Thanks.” he replied sheepishly. He never knew what to do with the kind words of others. Even with Helen he always shrugged them off but now that she was gone and those kind words were absent from his life he realised how much he missed them. Kristen brought him back from his thoughts by reaching out and gently cupping his face with her hand. “Hey”, she said softly “Thank you for showing me your book.” The feel of his beard and his strong jaw underneath against her hand lit a fire inside her. She imagined him pressing his face into her neck, his hands lifting her up onto the counter and. Her daydream was interrupted by the feeling of his mouth gently pressing against hers. The distant but lusty look in her eyes hadn’t escaped his notice. He brought a hand up to her face and pulled her closer to him with the other. Their kisses were hesitant and slow at first -- almost as if they were waiting for the other to pull away. Neither one did and when John gently took Kristen's lower lip between his teeth she slid her arms around him tightly, opening her mouth and deepening their kiss. It was only when Gremlin growled that they parted and Kristen blushed deeply. “Sorry, Gremlin gets uh, overly protective sometimes.” She said with a tight smile. “He’s doing his job then.” He murmured before leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. He knew if he didn’t leave right that minute he wouldn’t leave at all. “I should go.” He whispered softly before kissing her again. Everything in his body was screaming STAY but he just couldn’t. Not yet. She nodded in reply. He took her hands in his and squeezed them. “I’m sorry. I’m just not--” He stammered until she cut him off “John, there’s nothing to be sorry for. I understand.” His eyes widened a little. How was this woman so generous and so clearly fine with making herself vulnerable? He wondered to himself. It pushed him to give it a shot. “I’d like to see you again.” He stated. If anyone else had said that Kristen would have thought they were blowing her off but something in his eyes told her that he was serious. “I’d like that John. Very much.” Her eyes crinkled softly at the corners as her mouth spread into another wide grin. They exchanged numbers and gathered up their things. She leashed up Gremlin and all three walked in comfortable silence as they left the shop. As she locked up outside John slid an arm around her waist and planted a kiss on her cheek. “I’ll text you.” He said with a grin. Kristen beamed back at him not quite believing the turn this day had taken. “You better!” She teased. “Thanks again for the coffee.” She leaned up and kissed him before turning and setting out with Gremlin, heading for home.

[cyanpeacock]

more Realtalk(tm), less Psychosis(R)

my counsellor is a g and got me like, drawing stuff to take to our appointments? and i started off drawing like, pretty nothings, quite obviously avoiding the point. recently though i have been drawing Ugly Somethings. like, regarding how i felt as a kid, and all the cruel shit i heard regularly that fucked massively with my self-perception and self-esteem. 

it’s weird. like... i don’t feel SO ashamed about “oh man I’m just overreacting” any more? sometimes i still get those thoughts like, oh snap, this shouldn’t have hurt me so much, it’s just words. but then i recall like, dude, what the fuck, this is a Grown Woman dealing all this verbal degradation to a tiny little child, with a side of physical punishment and a dressing of solitary confinement, with a dash of enforced hunger to taste. i was a witness to like, serious addiction, domestic abuse, and sexual violence? that shit... fucked me up. really badly. for AGES. still does. that is actually, like... very serious abuse and neglect. and minimizing it for others’ comfort is very damaging to me? no wonder i feel so fucking awful coming home from those people and places. 

and like, my reaction to all that trauma? Hide. either by freezing or fleeing. fight when cornered. fawn if i’m going to lose the fight. so, of course, the Family only saw like... a fragment of me. the fragment that learned freezing gets trouble, running gets trouble, fighting gets MORE trouble, and only fawning is safe, despite that course requiring hiding huge chunks of like, my actual personhood? hiding the fact that i still primarily freeze and fly from novel frightening situations in case they’re dangerous? that’s not healthy for me. i gotta... unhide hiding. which, yeah, these new drawings are definitely part of that. whew. 

none of the Family really believe i’m as unwell as i actually am, because i am very smart, very persistent, and hide So Much from them. at uni i get top 5% marks in the modules i really Work at, so it looks like “oh, he must be well enough! he can manage alone!” to them and people who don’t know how HARD i work for those grades. i work to the point i have neglected taking real care of my body and mind, which is why i’m going part time for 2nd year. but like... socially? uh, i’m way behind. job-experience-wise? way behind where i COULD have been, with appropriate support from 18 onwards. financially? unpredictable!! despite being ABLE to budget well, sticking to it is another matter!! i always run out in the summer!!

looking at my academic performance is NOT a good measure of my ability in everyday life, because in my case, my academic performance is literally The Thing I Am Best At. “difficulty in school” for me looks like getting a B instead of an A*, or missing one lab in a module, not the uni threatening to kick me out. the fact that i had to drop out for like a year then go part time is SERIOUS for me. like... it’s very oh Shit. i’m finally Free. and EVERYTHING is hitting me. all the pain of captivity. graduating has always been my Ticket Out, away from frightening people and places, and it might actually be in reach?! i could WORK in a lab, and talk to people while my gels are running, and discuss a weird chromosome i saw last week over a coffee. i’d Dig that shit, that’s a way i could fucking Live!!! but what the fuck, this is so much at once, i need to slow down!!! there’s more to deal with here than Just School!!!

and funnily enough, NONE of my relatives are in the Dream Future!! the Dream Future i thought was impossible and unattainable, because i genuinely believed i was gonna die by suicide before i hit 18, and then 21!! and yeah i have a recent attempt under my belt but right now i don’t wanna try again. if i get that way towards winter, then, well, shit, I Need A Mood Stabilizer. and yeah... reliably, historically, winter is a Darker Time for me. i’m very concerned about it happening again this year. but i gotta just. do the best i’m capable of under the conditions at the time. as always.

i gotta remember like, damn, i chose staying in a homeless hostel over going back to live with Her. the place was garbage, noisy, full of drugs and sad mad young people, but it was fucking clean, i could lock my door, i could move around in my Own space without being startled by people appearing suddenly in doorways, i could use the kitchen (emotionally) comfortably once i got put into a flat? what i hated Most was literally Being Seen by other residents. literally just being observed in the hallways or reception. that, and the noise of other people moving around, because thumping and crashing and footsteps near my door historically meant Trouble is On the Way. 

SO YEAH i hate my mother!! yes!! hate is a very strong word, claire!! because i have VERY strong feelings about how you treated me at the beginning! no amount of “i love you” or “i’m sorry” or “i didn’t mean it like that” will change those things!!! you can’t get rid of ANY of the pain you caused that child, because it has Already Happened! you trying to convince me it works that way led me to hurt a LOT of people with the same unhealthy self-defense mechanisms, thinking that was Appropriate Behaviour!!!

i am absolutely Not obliged to see her, talk to her, or forgive her in any way. going back and even texting her are causing me Pain that is completely fucking unnecessary. i understand she is acting from a place of her own traumas with the mother that nearly killed her, but i do NOT need to minimize the absolute torture she dealt me because “she had it worse.” what i Do need to do is take responsibility for my OWN health, i.e. get the fuck AWAY, PERMANENTLY, FOREVER from the family i was born into. it is taking repeated efforts!! but that is okay!! i was trapped there for a very long time and led to believe Family Is Forever!!! very Untrue!!!

as long as i’m making excuses for her behaviour towards me, i’ll be dealing the same kind of unhealth towards other people in my life, and i don’t dig that side of the world where everyone is hiding a knife behind their back in case their “friend” turns out to be a “snake”. i visited! it doesn’t suit me, or anyone imo, but i understand why people stay or get stuck there. staying hostile feels safer, for a long fucking time. i’m still very wings-forward about-to-box defensive, but i don’t wanna stay there, i want to like... actually relax? to actually not have pecs so tight they pull my shoulders forward 24/7? that would be fucking Delightful. 

so yeah i’m definitely... well. That’s Trauma, Babey!! and any kind of communication with those people who believe “there’s nothing wrong” with me is setting me back massively in my recovery. thanks 2 my recent psychosis for confirming that!! 

a lot of that psychosis was not literal but VERY useful and frequently symbolic in helping me realise how goddamn painful my childhood actually was. like... i’m a long time out from it now, but emotions came up that like... well. i don’t think i could conceive of that if i’d never experienced something to trigger that intensity of feeling? yeah. 

BUT YEAH that’s a bunch more shit integrating all at once. i’m gonna go listen to electric six and be Mr. Woman for a while. theatrical dramatics this body can GET. acknowledging and feeling through trauma is Not the same thing as being theatrical, claire!!

ok I Go Music Zone Now

[wakasagayhime]

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you. 

[svrpcntined]

*cody ko vc* what is uP my guys we have three motherfuCKERS in the back of this car and one of them is this chaotic bisexual mickey jcndlskjf . i have stevie and lincoln’s coming up soon so pls bear with me bc im stuck at work and Suffering. but yeah pls like this to give me validation jsfkn also if u wanna plot and i’ll slide into ur dm’s

( joe keery, cismale, he/him ) ↷ hey, that’s MICHAEL “MICKEY” VALESKA who’s originally from BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS. i heard they’re TWENTY-FIVE and have been working on the ship as a COMEDIAN AT THE SHOW LOUNGE for A YEAR AND A HALF. other passengers seem to say they’re IMPATIENT and PASSIVE, but are also known to be CHARISMATIC and GREGARIOUS. when they’re missing home, i heard MORNING RUNS & THE SMELL OF OLD BOOKS can always cheer them up. ↷

statistics: 

full name: michael luca valeska / nicknames: mickey / birthday: november 12th / sexuality: bisexual / birthplace: boston, massachusetts / spoken languages: english & italian / hogwarts house: gryffindor

some tidbits of info:

so ya garbage boi is a bostonian through and through ,, born and raised there for nearly all his life and he doesn’t mind bc it was pretty chill of a place, loved the historical aspect of the city and there was usually almost always something to do ,, def still has an accent but only becomes more pronounced when he’s angry or passionately speaking then

he was always a hyperactive type of child which tbh made his parents nearly rip their hair out since they were a v proper and high society kind of family ?? his dad ( franklin ) was a cardiovascular surgeon who made that coin and married his college sweetheart ( or u know ,. as they tell mickey ) after graduation where she(valentina ) went on to fashion design and she has her own line that’s gaining traction in the fashion world

for as much as mickey deals with his parents nagging ,, he absolutely adores his mom ?? just a v petite and tiny italian woman who immigrated to america when she was in high school and immediately caught the eye of mickey’s dad and it was a whirlwind romance that was kinda more of a fling but then valentina became pregnant with mickey’s older brother so then he had to put a ring on it

so mickey is v fluent in italian bc his mom speaks it around the house raised him on it as a second language and for as much as he rags on his family sometimes and in his comedy skits, he would 10/10 die for his mom and she’s v soft for him as well and lowkey her fave son fjdslkjd but don’t tell the other valeska siblings

absolutely hates the name michael and v much prefers the nickname of mickey so naturally his dad just calls him michael all the time dnSLJKf mainly reserved for when he fucks up but also that’s just his dad so pls spare his heart and just call him mickey

but yeah mickey always had pent of energy that he released in creative formats like drawing and reading or just u know ,, running around which helped when he did track and soccer in high school and was actually p good at it ??

which kind of made him popular and he thrived off the attention ?? but was also the class clown of his grade and genuinely just loved making people happy and laugh ,, doesn’t like it when ppl don’t like him bc it just gives him anxiety that someone he made someone doesn’t like him jfdsk def a people pleaser so he tends not to read any reviews written about his comedy skits at the show lounge

mickey did above average when he was in school and def got good grades but he never really knew what he wanted to do with his life and bc his older brother followed in his dad’s footsteps of med school mickey was super !!!on edge about life and just having numerous existential crises a week so 0/10 not a fun time

his dad was really pitching for mickey to follow in his footsteps and his brother’s and mickey was like lmAO responsibility in choosing and shaping my future for years to come ?? no thx ,, bUT bc he is a people pleaser ya boi got accepted in the fam alma mater of harvard .. don’t get me wrong mickey had nice grades but his last name and family history of harvard grads kinda solidified his spot there so mickey went with crossed fingers and high level anxiety into his bachelor’s degree for biochem

as u can tell since um .. he’s on the cruise ship things didn’t go that well fjhsdkj thOUGH ya boi did secure the degree in biochem running on caffeine, anxiety and the determination of elle woods ( mainly to make his mom proud ) and then the idea of med school freaked him out and he told his parents he was taking a year off just to rejuvenate himself bc lmao college sucks y’all

mickey’s mom ( ever the angel that she is ) was v understanding and just let mickey work at her design studio for some modeling of her mens collection and deal with some interning responsibilities that he was chill with bc he got paid and it wasn’t all that hard ,, his dad was not as happy and just has a perpetual frown whenever he’s around mickey bc he think mickey is just slacking off since his older brother is dealing with med school just fine

he took up improv classes just bc he loved making ppl laugh and figured it would be a good way to fill up his time and started doing some stand up without telling his dad kdjfslfk so when his year was running dry he kind of just impulsively looked into horizon and sent in his resume for a comedian position

bc i’m trash his humor is essentially john mulaney ( example HERE ,, mainly bc this skit is my fave #dontjudgeme ) and just v self deprecating and humorous retellings of life stories and smart klfdgajfk ,, he has n*ce delivery which he has his improv classes to thank

soOOO his dad is v pissed while his mom is supporting him since he told her before he left djflsk so he’s been on horizon for a year and a half and loving it ?? doesn’t really know when he’ll leave but who knows

def v charismatic and loves talking to people and meeting new ppl ,, can be a bit of a Hoe so don’t judge him he means well ok !! will stay in the morning and bring breakfast bc he may be a Masshole but he ain’t an asshole ,, def the saying of “here for a good time not a long time”

bc i suck at timelines and whatnot , mickey dipped off the boat for a bit after meeting his now bf fox where they lived together and settled down and he’s gross and in love and sappy so we out here and bc fox came back to the ship so mickey decided why nOT so he’s here being a garbage bin comedian again asfjdk

[comicteaparty]

June 24th-June 30th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from June 24th, 2019 to June 30th, 2019.  The chat focused on Drugs & Wires by Mary Safro & Io Black.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Drugs & Wires by Mary Safro & Io Black~! (https://www.drugsandwires.fail/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until June 30th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. Who do you think made the Worm and for what reason? Why does it seem to mostly be affecting Stradania and not other places? Do you think Dan’s implant can ultimately be fixed, or is he stuck forever away from VR?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. What aspect of the world’s cyberpunk setting interests you the most and why? Alternatively, what aspect are you hoping to see explored a bit more in regards to how it affects the characters?

RebelVampire

1) Gonna be a bit depressing when I say the bridge scene where Dan almost threw himself off it. Which I'm gonna spoiler tag the rest of this just as a suicide trigger warning precaution. I was 100% right there in the moment with him during that scene. Like I understood why he'd arrived at that conclusion, and it didn't come off as patronizing as I feel a lot of similar suicide scenes often do in comics. This is a man who even I felt really had nothing to live for, as sad as that is to say. Not that I wanted Dan to die, of course, but I get absolutely why he would. And then when he's saved, I liked that he is angry about it. Cause that is a dark reality I feel too many comics shy away from. And just all that gritty realism really hit me in the heart. 2) I don't know who made the worm and I don't think it matters all that much. Rather, I think the reason is more important, and the reason I think is to either kill VR or draw attention to Dan's shitty country. Which I kind of want to believe the latter, that this is somehow politically motivated. Or even if its the former, the idea is to get ppl more politically involved. That being said, I do think it's someone in Stradania who made it. As for Dan's implant being fixed, I don't think so. I don't think he'll be let off the hook that easy, and that he will continue to have to face his awful world for what it is, garbage and all.

3) Dan because he is the delicious epitome of a flawed protagonist. He's not mean, but between his drug problems, his crappy attitude towards most people, and so forth, he's got some real issues to work through. But that's great, cause at least that makes the few steps forward he's taken more satisfying. Since he's not getting those steps easy. He has to basically crawl through metaphorical lava to gain even 2 cm. 4) I really like the world's integration of VR and cybernetics. Like it's not on the level it's just there, but there's businesses around it, slang around it, and so forth. It's presented as this super ingrained culture thing, and that is super hard to play off. And it's just really well-done to see all the ways that those aspects bleed into their lives, whether the invention was intended to do so in that way or not.

Historical Jesus

I'm about to catch up. gimmy some time

RebelVampire

itll be going for the rest of the week, so theres no rush.

snuffysam

1) My favorite scene is the basement wake. It's a cool way to introduce those side characters (especially Vlad), and we were shown how our protagonist is seen through other people's eyes.

Like, we as the readers get to see Dan's struggles first-hand, but seeing the way Dan's "friends" think of him as a mindless junkie is really eye-opening

Re-reading the wake chapter made me think of something regarding question (2). Rebel, you suggested that the worm may have been made to kill VR. Could the reverse be true instead? Vlad has this speech about how the victims of the worm are martyrs, and the rest of the cast groans... but maybe he's not so far off.(edited)

My favorite character is Lin. On the surface, she's a terrible, shady person, but she's got heart where it counts! (in a trunk with a bunch of other organs)

Though I also really like Dan, for the same reasons as Rebel. He starts off in such a terrible place, and watching him take baby steps towards improvement is... honestly, uplifting, even if he does sometimes take some big steps backward.(edited)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. Do you think Dan will manage to find Eve again? If so, how might that affect him? Further, what do you think Dan’s past history is in general with his family and others that might play a role in the story?

Historical Jesus

Is the person writing this comic Russian

RebelVampire

cant speak for Io, but while not from Russia, Mary does speak Russian

Historical Jesus

SHe might have had family immigrate from Russia. This story just feels very Russian in the sense that everyone is down on their luck

But yeah. This story is freaking great!

Cryo

Hey, Mary here! I'm a Russian from Latvia, Io's German but I usually consult him on any Russian bits we have in the comic : D thanks so much for reading, loved seeing all the replies so far!

Historical Jesus

It's you

@Cryo Do you have experience with information security or bug hunting?(edited)

I mean, you sound like you REALLY understand hacker culture(edited)

Historical Jesus

ok I finished

1: Favorite scene? Hard to tell honestly. I like them all for different reasons. It's the continuum of the story I appreciate. The fact I'm always wanting to see what happens next? 2: Who made the worm. I've noticed that people who were infected had illegal copies of software. From a cybersecurity perspective, worms only work when either (A) someone finds a vulnurability that has never before been seem or (B) people don't update their shit for whatever reason. Hence why most software schedules mandatory updates. This could just be the inevitable conclusion to using pirated or older software. 3: Favorite character: Dan. I can relate to him the most. I don't do party drugs, just psycodelics.

4: Favorite aspect of cyberpunk. Historical relevance. In our past, rulers were privileged to rule because humans believed they were "ordained by God" to rule. European philosophers then said that the right to rule belongs to those who become the height of natural selection/ The premise being that there is no god and that we are "free agents" with "free will." No one is entitled to anything unless they produce something of value. This made perfect sense when manual labor was relevant and everything had to be done by hand. This includes pen and paper math. Hence why pay is exclusively based on labor value. Enter the age of technology fucked this up. Capitalism today is STUPIDLY efficient. We WHOOPED natural selections ass. We also learned that humans can't simply "change their outlook at will." Humans are mortal and are not much different than machines. The have needs and all that pesky human stuff. Some people could argue that healthier people have more free will than others, but poverty is the inevitable conclusion to this "free will" "labor value" mindset. But people think principles are sacred and set in stone. So what we are seeing is devalued labor and everyone becoming more poor and the formation of corporate oligarchies and dependences. Cyberpunk was WAY ahead of it's time in seeing this. We need to revisit this genre because I sure as shit don't want to live under a global illuminati with hard line cultural segregation.(edited)

Cryo

No, no real hacking experience here, I'm a 3d modeller by trade. We do our research when we can but our readers are a lot more technically minded than we are :p

Historical Jesus

I love 3D modeling

Attila Polyák

I'll be totally honest your work didn't really catch me at first, but I kept reading. Aaaaand dang that was a good decision. This is genuinely well made. I'm only at the end of chapter 4 but that bridge scene was great. I'm pretty sure it'll be my favourite scene but I need to read the rest first.

Historical Jesus

I have one of two options in life. Make high detailed models to sell on Gumroad or make comics. Gumroad will require constant adaptation to new software, but I already have my comic story structure fgiured out

Cryo

@Attila Polyák thanks for giving us a chance! Hope you enjoy the rest ( though chapter 5 is a lot less dramatic in comparison!)

Historical Jesus

Do you have a resolution in mind or are you just making it as you go?

Cryo

Yeah, we know where we're taking the story, but how it gets there can vary. Lots of the scenes we wrote years ago have to be tweaked or redone entirely to work

Historical Jesus

If the "free will" capitalist have their way, then we can expect the future to look very similar. Lots of poor people using lots of old tech. All software and hardware is closed sourced and locked down.The division between rich and poor will be larger than ever. Many of the zero days will be state sponsored much like they are now and they can use this to legally infect people and categorize them and use their own information against them if they ever become a threat to the state or the rich tech oligarchy

When I read this I got sense of creepy forcasting

More kids are playing with the Linux Kernal than smoking cigarettes so we might be ok

Historical Jesus

5: Favorite illustration? Anything that involved gif animations. That's not to say it should be overused but it was used at the right time

6a: Will Dan find Eve again? Probably. Since Cryo has a conceptual end in mind, I imagine she serves a key purpose in the plot. If they don't then it's likely that their actions will effect each other in some way.(edited)

6b: What is Dan's history with his parents? Let's look at who Dan is now. He's a poor drug addict who has had a dead end job. Yet he is not an overly angry person. Just depressed. He hangs around computer poetry people and other drug people. As a person who has experience with drugs, I noticed three types of people who do the dangerous drugs. At least in the US. They are... -People who have had repressive or needlessly strict parents. Thus overdoing drugs becomes associated with freedom and eventually a point of rebellion. But you can do too many of them. -People who are poor and need to sell them because they are poor. Naturally many of them do the drugs themselves so they naturally become addicted. -People who's parents are drug users themselves. The people who teach are schools will tell you it's that "people are trying to be cool" and it has nothing to do with that. Truth be told, they are hiding something. There is also a lot of dark racial history behind enhancing substances and the law and that can influence people's decision to take them, but I don't want to get into that because I don't want to get booted from this server.(edited)

Historical Jesus

Actually, @Cryo, would you be willing to give us a brief personal biography? Also, if you are, then can you tell us about your parents, what they did for a living, and the income situation you had growing up.(edited)

Why am I asking this? I think we can come up with more interesting answers about the comic if we know YOU as a person and how that influences your writing. I was able to infer that this story sounded Russian as fuck. Since the setting was Russian, I figured you were either from there or had family there

We can give more interesting answers that can help you come up with more interesting writing

RebelVampire

@Historical Jesus Your questions are getting a little personal, and while I understand the logic behind them, keep in mind we're here to discuss the comic and not the creators' personal lives.

keii4ii

Yeah... I feel even if the creators are okay with discussing it, this stuff is best left to DM

Historical Jesus

I understand. I would like to give her the choice. If she chooses not to then I understand. Biologically speaking, I think art is meant to be personal.

keii4ii

(and of course, if they don't want to discuss it, no one should pressure them about it )

RebelVampire

yeah if @Cryo wants to answer that's fine. Just for the future please keep those sorts of questions to a minimum and watch the wording on them. Cause that statement did sound overly pressure filled.

Historical Jesus

of course

keii4ii

I don't think we should be getting further into this territory?

RebelVampire

Agreed. This isn't a really appropriate topic for #week_long_bookclub, @Historical Jesus and has little to do with the comic.

Historical Jesus

I understand. I'm trying to demonstrate the the relevance and the benefits of understanding the author as a person. And again, it's her choice to choose what she discloses.

RebelVampire

And again, I get the logic. But just not appropriate for this discussion.

Historical Jesus

fair enough. I just want it to be known

I rephrased the question so it's less assertive. I apologies, I suck with social skills. Hopefully by the time she reads it, then it will be more inviting for her.

RebelVampire

thats better wording for sure, thank you.

Historical Jesus

no problem

art was definitely designed to be personal. The reason why a lot of big budget art feels bland is because it's meant for everyone and they have to not get too deep into offending people. Because it has to make money. That requires the work of a true genius. D&W is specialized and it will attract a certain group of people. Mostly people who value anonymous culture like myself. Or so I imagine.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. Will Lin actually go through with her plan to get into politics? If so, do you believe she can actually make a difference? What obstacles do you think she might run into, and do you think Dan will be of any help to her?

Cryo

(i would appreciate not having to talk about my life and anyones political beliefs neither here nor in DMs, thanks for understanding)(edited)

Historical Jesus

Understood

Historical Jesus

7: Dan, primarily because he is relatable. He would interact the way I would. Not having money sucks.

Historical Jesus

8: Will in go into politics? Probably not. She strikes me as a neroatypycal character. I could be wrong though.

RebelVampire

@snuffysam If the worm was designed to improve VR, I really want to meet the person who decided that making ppl martyrs was the way to go. Cause that's some backwards thinking, imo at least XD

5) There's a lot of really great ones, but I'm kind of fond of the illustration of Dan puking up rainbows. It's this cool mix of gross, psychedelic, and not what I expected. It expressed a lot of mood somehow for something that's less grand than I usually pick. 6) I think Dan will find Eve again, if only cause from a technical perspective she was introduced super early on to not be important. However, I think meeting her again is just gonna make him feel bad about himself as he realizes how little his baby steps of improvement are. In regards to his family, just gonna be bold and say my theory: his dad is part of that political group that took control and really hates cyborgs and technology and all that. Thus they were probably not the most open-minded and rejected Dan in multiple ways both through emotional abuse and neglect.

7) I like seeing Dan and Troy right now. Everyone else in the comic is kind of...shitty towards Dan. Like i know Dan isn't the greatest person, but I would hate to be in the situation where I'm constantly being told I'm a junkie who won't amount to anything. Which I mean don't get me wrong, those are interesting interactions. But Troy? Troy is this new person whose only experience with Dan is kind of a nice if not high tension one. Troy comes with a fresh, no prior knowledge of Dan perspective, and I think that's really interesting and gonna be a good way to shed new light on Dan's more positive traits. 8) I think Lin will try to go through with it, but I think Lin is fighting a losing game. Short of stuffing the ballot, I don't think those she's trying to help will vote for her. Instead they'll just bitch and be complacent to the world around them. But on that same vain, Lin probably could just stuff the ballots to win. I umm...honeslty don't think Dan can help her in anyway. Dan is really busy helping himself to suck less at the moment. XD

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. What do you think Sandman and Fixer will find in regards to the Worm as the story continues, and what does the VR cafe Sandman has been hacking have to do with anything? How will Nate tie into this given he’s looking for Fixer?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. Overall, what role do you think Troy will have within the story? Additionally, how will she get out of her situation with having no ID, money, or much in the way of people she knows?

Historical Jesus

9: The art against the web design literally looks like something we would see at Def Con

10: I image he has a lead. After all his motivation is revenge

11: it’s strength is that it's good at making people empathize with characters even if you can't relate to them

12: I don't think Troy will get out of her situation. If she comes back to the states empty handed she will be fired. It might be in her best interest to get wrapped up in finding the worm programmer

Typically speaking large scale worms are state sponsored but it's not clear how far this thing actually spreads.

RebelVampire

9) My favorite details so far have been the small things in the background. Like the random graffiti on the walls, the cracks and dilapidation of the buildings, all the small do-dads in Lin's place. Like none of that needs to be there to create a complete background, but it adds so much character to the setting and each character. So I really appreciate the extra mile taken for that. 10) I think Sandman and Fixer are gonna find that some corporation or someone high up on some food chain made it on purpose. As for the VR cafe? Honestly, I think it's a red herring and Sandman is making an excuse to target them just cause he hates them. As for Nate, I think Nate is gonna join the investigation team but also kind of serve as a negotiator between Fixer and Dan. Cause I don't think those two will get along without help.

11) I think this comic's strengths are a) the setting both visually and story wise, as it's a really strong and vivid setting. then b) Dan. It is very, very hard to write a character like Dan. There are so many things he does that could immediately make him unlikeable, what between the drugs, self destruction, and general assholeness to some of the ppl around him. but yet he is likeable. you do want to see him succeed and not suffer. yet you also still can acknowledge hes unreliable. its a great dynamic that lesser writing could not pull off. 12) I think Troy is gonna be their viewport into the corporate world. Which I think will play a role since there is a themeing here about evil corporations. Plus, she at least knows some stuff better than they do, as she already showed off at the VR cafe. But getting out of it? Nope. Shes stuck and probably gonna make another panicked call to Dan at some point. And Dan will be an angel and help again.

snuffysam

I'm going to go out on a limb here. Not only will Lin go through with running for office, she'll win. And she won't even have to stuff the ballot that much. But... I'm not sure her fight will be over there. After all, there's more than just one corrupt person in the country. I agree with you on the investigation into the Worm, @RebelVampire . I think someone up the corporate ladder is responsible. With that said, I don't think Sandman is targeting the VR cafe for nothing. I think he's trying to draw more attention to their security flaws for... some reason. I guess to get more people involved in investigating? I doubt he foresaw Troy showing up and offering to upgrade the cafe's machines though, so I that probably isn't part of his plan. I think a major part of Dan's character arc going forward will be accepting that he doesn't need Eve. Like, accepting that he doesn't need her help to get better, and that he's the only one he needs to prove his progress to.

Dan's character writing is absolutely my favorite part of this comic. In a weaker comic, I would absolutely hate how a self-destructive character like Dan is portrayed. Like, often characters with addiction/other mental health problems in fiction come off as unlikeable, or too cartoonish, or too depressingly stagnant (at least, from what I've seen in other works of fiction). But Drugs & Wires strikes a great balance where character progression isn't always linear, and isn't always positive, but it's there, and that fluidity makes you want to root for him more each chapter.

Attila Polyák

Now that I finally read all of it... 1, The bridge scene at the end of chapter 4, that was really done. 2, Dan's implant... I'm pretty sure it can be fixed, but I have doubts if Dan will ever have the resources to have it fixed. As a matter of fact I feel like he'll never have the money or influence to have it fixed and the way it is he can't really replace it either, so... He's probably stuck without VR. 3, Lin! She's awesome! 4, Probably the grey market implant dealers, even though that's kinda bog standard cyberpunk stuff. :) 6, Yes, they will probably meet again. And yes, I do feel like we'll need to see more of Dan't past history especially about how he got involved in... well in everything that's his current life. 7, Nagy, as surreally odd, is a great addition to Dan. Like at times I thought his absurdity would actually help Dan. 8, Ofc she will, you don't forge that much "voter trust" for nothing. And Dan, tho probably seemingly unwillingly, will likely help her one way or another.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. Do you think Dan will ever be able to kick his drug habit, or will he continue to fall back into it forever? How will this affect his relationships? Further, how will his habits shape his future role in the story?

RebelVampire

13) I'm looking forward to getting more info about the worm. Cause right now I dont feel any more knowledgeable than I did at the start, and I'm itching to see Sandman, Fixer, or Dan to somehow get a bigger clue to what's going on. 14) I think both will apply. In that Dan will kick the habit eventually but will always be at risk because addiction is not really something you just completely cure. It's a battle he'll have for his entire life, even if he learns to manage it. As for for his relationships, I don't think it'll have much affect, tbh. Maybe things with Lin will improve, maybe Eve. But everyone else is kind of a jerk who already writes him off. Dan is in need of a fresh start somewhere far away.

Historical Jesus

13: Same here. I would like to know more about the worm. I hope that Cyro puts a cool technical characteristic into the worms behavior so that creates interesting and unique challenges for the characters 14: Statistically speaking most people do not kick their drug habit's. Especially not in the position he is in. Based on the story's cultural nature, I doubt the ending will be happy. But I am sure it will be interesting

Cryo

Thanks so much for picking and reading our comic this week! I've had a great time reading all the replies, especially since we don't hear from new readers often, and it's gonna come in handy when we get back into writing more stuff for the comic.

snuffysam

I had a great time reading it, Cryo!

Io.Black

Just wanted to add my own thanks to everybody who took the time to read and comment this past week. As a writer, it’s always incredibly valuable to get a sense of what people are taking away from your work, as well as where they think it’s headed.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Drugs & Wires this week! Please also give a special thank you to Mary Safro & Io Black for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Drugs & Wires, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://www.drugsandwires.fail/

Drugs & Wires’ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/drugsandwires

Drugs & Wires’ Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/Cryodraws

Drugs & Wires’ Merch: https://www.hellovoid.online/

Safro’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/marysafroart

Io Black’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/b_iologic

[jaywhitecotton]

Fuck Elvis

I used to play this terrible game with some monstrous friends at karaoke shows. It was all based on how Michael Jackson died at the right time and if he molested just one more kid we’d be screwed out of decades of music and nostalgia.

We’d then apply other artists to this molestation scale. Like if MJ set the standard at say 7 known kids we’re pretty sure he finger banged, how many could say Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler get away with?

Turns out - it’s one. One for sure, but I’m pretty sure there would have to be at least three before we as a society are willing to let go of Dream On or Bruce Willis’s meteor sacrifice.

Bob Dylan? So hard. Old white NPR people would blame the motorcycle accident and give up everything after to protect his earlier legacy, but comparing Michael Jackson to Bob Dylan’s importance? He’s got to be able to molest as many - if not three more kids - than the King of Pop, right? I mean Jewish or not, he is still white so that has to give him the edge over Jacko in what he can get away with.

Anyhoo

Comics have been acting like comedy has been bringing “truth to power!” and patting themselves on the back, but thirty years of Michael Jackson jokes couldn’t do what one documentary has done.

Proving if you really want any justice these days, you need to first invest in some production value and an editor who knows how to make criminal acts look especially bad.

The reactions are pouring in and people are very conflicted. Many questioning whether or not it’s ok to like an artist because of their lurid personal life.

Look, can we come to a consensus on just one thing?

Human beings have been giant flesh bags of hot garbage since the very beginning of our upright existence. We started out so bad, we’re not even sure of what are real beginnings were actually like.

And its not even people that are the worst either. Look at life itself.

Nature is gruesome and horrifying! Every nature documentary is inherently a horror movie missing the scary cello mood music. If you knew how much ducks gang-raped in real life you would burn any remanence of all those duck-themed shows from the 90’s.

Even the creation of space and time was the result of a destructive explosion that shit us out into the nothingness of space.

Disagree? Thinks humans are great? Cool. Keep in mind a lot of people watched a movie about a guy who sexually abused children and their first thought was “Can I still grab my dick and effeminately scream ‘ohhhhh’ whenever it gets super windy? Because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t do that!”

To me anytime a person does something exceptional - THAT should be the thing that is celebrated. Like “Wow, you overcame being a piece of shit and had a moment of triumph for our species, well done ya piece of shit!”

Thomas Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence, Gandhi and Civil Disobedience, Beethoven’s 9th have all stood the test of time and those acts are worthy of praise.

Are we going to really miss Ignition (remix)?

I’m not saying any of these people’s flaws should be ignored, but seriously - there were plenty of slave fuckers, wife abusers, and piss-on-tweeners out there who not only did that shit - but didn’t even have the decency to form an experimental democratic republic placing power in the hands of the people, much less write a catchy tune.

We have got to start holding a higher standard for what we consider legit and meaningful art.

Is Trapped in the Closet really an achievement for humanity? Is the cinematic legacy of Space Jam ruined by the tainting of I Believe I Can Fly?

Was American Beauty and House of Cards our civilization’s finest cinematic moments? Has there been nothing else to watch?

Can we no longer backwards slide dance at house parties because a guy who dressed like a sequined private eye slept with kids?

I’m not saying you can’t still enjoy those things, or even question your feelings about them. I’m saying don’t make those things more important than they actually are. You can both think an actor should be castrated and get lost in visualized fiction.

Just as easily as you can decide to never watch again. It’s all disposable.

To me the real crime is needing a movie like American Beauty to be the pinnacle of human achievement because you got your first handy in the theater when it came out or whatever.

Not that anyone is exactly saying that, but you big bad wolves get my straw house point.

What is the value of achievement? How do we measure what’s important? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s what the consensus decides should stay. Maybe it’s the individual.

Sometimes it feels like a lot of our general arguments are between the perspectives of group thinking socialists versus self-motivated libertarians. Maybe they’re both right, I guess it depends on the situation.

Personally I think most the arguments about entertainers matters most to the people who have a vested interest in brands and making it in the ‘look at me’ industry.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m in the thick of it having done music and standup most of my life and have the same guttural need for a stranger’s approval, but sometimes I feel surrounded by people who treat every moment of their lives like a biopic. Selling themselves on social media as if they’re the subject of their own Rolling Stone exposé.

People who define themselves by the most disposable of expressions and since trying to be good and known is so difficult, decided it’s easier to just simulate success instead of working harder on the mediums.

You know, frauds.

I’m surrounded by a generation of ‘fake it til you make it’ personalities who thrive on all the shit I find utterly useless, meaningless and the worst crime - boring.

Entrepreneurs in narcissism who communicate through gossip and trade in brand expression, littering the artistic landscape with recycled lateral thinking dog turds.

It’s exhausting,debilitating, and absolutely the future as AI replaces our normal careers, forcing all of us into becoming Instagram models and Influencers.

And everyday I have to have deep sobering introspection trying to figure out if I’m not equally culpable in this terrible trap of meaningless thinking.

Not that there’s anything wrong with meaningless. Not everything has to have as everlasting an impact as Ode to Joy.

I mean really, what actually matters if we all die and whatever impact we had becomes erased regardless of whether or not it takes years, months, days or even minutes after we are laid into the ground?

Most of everyone who has been born has meant nothing and left no trace or measurement that they even existed at all. Think of all the stillborn babies who didn’t even get the chance.

Nature the cold hearted bitch strikes again!

People call me jaded and bitter for these thoughts, but I promise you - I hold no anger or selfish need to compensate my own lacking by exclaiming ‘people are mostly shit and none of this will stand the test of time’. I’m very fun at parties.

It’s just the people desperate to matter that think reality is inherently mean.

Celebrate the achievement not the person, but also - let’s not over inflate the achievement to validate our own petty need for someone to hear our folk song about getting a handy while watching American Beauty or whatever.

A quick story.

One of the most talented people I ever met was a dude from Philly named Perone.

Perone played bass and was known across the city as being this incredible player who for some reason just never found a project he clicked with.

I met him when I was 18 and homeless, living in a 24 hour diner he waited tables at. Everyone loved this dude and for some reason he took care of me. Hooking up free salads, sodas, bread. He was the coolest dude I ever met.

I was learning guitar and we both loved 70’s soul and blues music so we’d jam together which in hindsight was wild.

I had no fucking idea what I was doing and yet here was this genius jamming patiently along.

Teaching me without putting in a show that he was actually teaching me, if that makes sense?

Was he perfect? No. Not at all. He was charismatic as fuck, but obviously weighted down with some demons.

The weirdest thing I could say about him - and I don’t know how to even properly frame this was - he used to draw on bed sheets.

For years he had a dream about a woman he never met and would paint her face on the bed sheets and attach lyrics to songs he was writing next to her face. These sheets hung all over his walls.

Keep in mind he was living with a girl at the time. He had a kid, yet here were all these sheets dedicated to a fictional white woman he was obsessed with, hung like championship banners across his entire two bedroom apartment.

My last conversation with Perone was perfect. I sat strumming his guitar while he smoked meth out of a can of Pepsi, telling me how Michael Jackson was the King.

Every click of the lighter, every inhale and exhale would punctuate just how much Michael Jackson meant to the world and music.

How Motown celebrated their 25th anniversary with a tv special and Michael Jackson came out and destroyed with the moonwalk.

“Dude, (click) black people loved Michael (inhale). White people loved Michael. (exhale)Young people loved Michael. (cough) Old people loved Michael. (click) None of this race or generation shit mattered. (inhale) It was because of the music and HE did that. (exhale) He bridged everything together in that one moment. (violent cough) Michael Jackson is and will always be the King. (click) Fuck Elvis.”

That was twenty years ago. I have no idea if he’s still alive, earned a living with his music or met the woman he’d dreamt and painted for years. Or if instead he succumbed to meth, took his own life and or manages an Olive Garden.

I don’t know and I don’t have to. I miss him and appreciate the things we shared that mattered and helped me grow as a person, but that’s all it ever will be.

Let justice be done and handled by those involved in their situation and value only the things and constructs that have some permanence or growth in your own life.

Either way you will still die, and wether it’s alone and forgotten or if it takes centuries for people to forget you were a miserable deaf cunt who wrote some sweet jams - you’ll eventually be nothing.

Fuck Elvis.

[captainshyguy]

hm

im gonna....ramble here abt stuff dont mind me 

ok so like.....sometimes i wonder if mayb i have adhd or anythin like that, like....idk it’s hard, i cant tell if im just neurotypical and lazy and has an escapism problem and gets lots of obsessions, or if something else is going on like 

ok so like...i get rly rly RLY focused on things i love like??  listen im not proud to admit it but but th past month 90% of my thoughts have been focused on dimentio like..thats it, and its p much just been the same 3-4 scenarios going over in my head the whole time like

i dont....rly know if thats...an nt thing like, and heck life feels so fucking dull if im not talking abt one of my interests, like my brain just clock the fuck off IMMEDIATELY like i dont even want it to it just!!! goes!!! like...this started happening when i was in sixth form (probably befire that too but i mangaged that better bc the schoolwork was easier back then so it didnt rly..affect my grades) 

but tbh sometimes even if it’s stuff i love sometimes i jsut..cant do it if the spark isnt here, which...sounds nt but at the same time im sitting here hyping myself up to draw and i never do (but tbh that feels like?? a depression thing idk and im sure i have that)

thing is, i cant tell if it’s actually an anxiety thing/coping mechanism, bc im terrified of like...having to do adult things like jobs and interviews, im scared of having so much time and freedom taken away from me and im terrified of failing, so my mind intensely focusing on things i love could absolutely be an escapist form of coping y’know??

even then there’s...multiple things i love i have a lotta interests, so i dont know why my brain is just intensely focusing on the same 3-4 dimentio things rn its just....idk i just!! wish i couls understand my brain, like can i physically not focus on stuff, even stuff i like bc it’s an adhd thing, do i have it, and the garbage jester is like a hyperfocus thing rn or is it an anxiety thing and my brain is trying to help me cope and escape aaaAAAAAAAA

[fanfictionlive]

Perfectionism; should we strive to achieve it?

First of all; I’m not saying that you shouldn’t. If you want to, you do you. Everyone has their own way of writing. Their own way of doing things, and good on you.

I think this is how the typo post should have been written and I’m sorry for starting a war on here. I’m sorry for making a lot of you upset. It was never my intention.

I’m asking this because I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of days (stuck in bed with nothing better to do). I know some of you are and that you work very hard to make your work perfect or as close to perfect as possible, but...

As a writer and an artist, I try not to hold myself to such a standard.

Don’t get me wrong, I used to be that way. I write or draw something and try to make it as perfect as I possibly could, but it did no favors for me. I would work on wip after wip, getting frustrated and never finishing anything. If it wasn’t the typos, it was the grammar. If it wasn’t the grammar, it was the way I wrote it. If it wasn’t the way I wrote it, it was the plot. If it wasn’t the plot, etc. etc. As creators, we are our own greatest critics, so we slave over our works, looking at it so much that sometimes we can’t even see the mistakes.

I’ve talked with an artist friend who is struggling with the same thing and her art is photo quality- like the works of old renaissance painters. She’s always saying there is that one thing wrong with her work- even though she’s top tier. She’s never satisfied. My work is garbage compared to hers lol but I’ve given up making my work perfect, well, absolutely perfect.

I make mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes, but, if I don’t catch them in the revising process, I move forward. I post things that- when I reread later- I find some imperfection, one word that was written wrong. Sure, I try to fix it when I see a mistake, but I try not to stress about it when I don’t find mistakes. (Also, keep in mind that I’m making a comic. It’s harder for me to fix things because I have to download the picture, put it into my art program, fix it, then take a picture of my screen, then download it on imgur, then go on the website with the link and readjust the image to fit multiple screens.) but if it’s written and I find a mistake, fuck yeah I’m gonna fix it.

But because I don’t hold myself to that standard, I don’t hold anyone else to it.

I’m not going to say that my experience is the ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL, and I’m not advocating for making mistakes, but when I freed myself from the confines of perfection, I’ve become so much faster and better at making things than before. I’ve written multiple (written) chapters in a day. I’ve learned so much from just making a lot of work constantly. I revise them (which is a slower process) but I have more to work with and more to do. Of course, my experience is not everyone’s experience, but I find so much success in it... well, I just wanted to share.

It’s ok if you aren’t. I have writer friends who don’t post for months because they look over their work over and over again and that’s fine. Their work is amazing too. I’m just commenting on my experience.

Thoughts?

submitted by /u/Bleakloft [link] [comments] from FanFiction: Where Magical Ponies battle Imperial Titans https://ift.tt/2KmW4Xz

[durianstar]

HEY OK I DID SOME BIOS FOR HISAO AND MASAKO A  WHILE BACK SO. HAVE THESE SKETCHES AND INFO UNDER THE CUT

FACTS ON MASAKO WAKABAYASHI:

17, 2nd year of highschool. 5’6”, 130~ish lbs.

hyperintrovert. despises people. interacting with others is a chore. zero social skills

empathy problems. cannot imagine why anyone would go out of their way to help people on their own. her own self interest is her priority. doesn't care if she hurts someone or their feelings. she does mind her own business though and can’t understand why people would ever start drama

uses her mind control for petty stuff (better grades, more money from her uncle, if someone is coming up to talk to her she can turn them around, etc. her mind control is very powerful but the other person is vaguely aware they’re getting controlled and so if she tried getting them to do something big like attacking someone else they would know.) keeps her powers a definite secret, doesn’t want any attention over it from others

secretly desires a companion where they could just chill and talk about hobbies. craves a real personal connection but she doesn’t even know she wants it. who’d want to talk to her anyways she's difficult. “no one understands me”

honestly just really depressed and disaffected. she’d be a lot nicer if she was happier but she hates her parents she hates her school and she hates the system

enjoys basketball, pretty good at it. knows krav maga (mom is from israel, taught her what she knew from the IDF because masako was genuinely interested. she was like 7 when she was learning though)

not really all that smart. the glasses make her look clever but she's bad at math and studying is her worst nightmare. she’s also terrible at articulating her thoughts. that being said she's very good at writing

relatively interested in fashion. dresses nice in general and keeps her appearance tidy

her clothes smell like mothballs though. her uncle puts them everywhere. she fucking hates it

her hair is naturally mousy, dyes it red with henna. very soft tresses

quite pretty. gentle features, severe eyes and clear skin. has a couple of secret admirers but she’s scary and they would never interact with her

has a lot of story ideas but her characters fall flat. enjoys writing in general though

likes music. listens to everything but enjoys ambient creepy-sounding stuff and kpop girl groups

lives with her uncle on her dad’s side because her parents are always on trips and they need someone to watch her

her and her uncle don’t really get along. he’s very kind but he’s always worrying over her. she hates it when he does that because it actually does makes her feel bad when he’s just trying to help and she snaps at him

she’s fond of him. although they have nothing in common he cooks dinner every night and tries his best to understand how she feels. he's way better than her parents (never there for her, fed up with her attitude, always blamed her for everything, never spent any time with her, never encouraged her hobbies). sometimes she’ll buy him a nice outfit for his birthday with the money she accumulates on new years

fast metabolism. she eats A Lot

favorite food is soup of all types. rice and miso soup is her go-to meal. jewish style chicken soup as well

and yeah she's technically jewish since her mom is. japanese jew

uses “あたし (atashi)” to refer to herself around strangers. uses “あたい (atai)” around her uncle and hisao.

cv: miyuki sawashiro (the deep voiced tough girl voice. the intimidating one)

FACTS ON HISAO EGAWA:

23, draws on commission and works at mcdonalds. 5’3”. also like 130~ish lbs

disgusting

sorta introverted but very outgoing. hes got a couple friends he can kick it with

he lives in his van for sure, can’t afford his own place to live. he lives in his mom’s apartment parking lot

bipolar. can’t keep an office job because his manic episodes are pretty severe and he does get mildly psychotic.

does a lot of illegal shit on the daily. like regular drug use and brewing alcohol at his friend’s crib. probably doing a whole bunch of other shit too while possessed.

has tattoos on both shoulders cuz his friend in the Yamaguchi-gumi did them for him.

speaking of the yamaguchi-gumi like he’s got a Few Friends In The Yakuza. he’s considered joining but he doesn’t want to cut ties with his mom

his pixiv is full of fucking porn like it is absolutely swamped with it. if something isn’t r18 it's definitely suggestive. prominent BL-artist but he draws women sometimes. big on saigenos

actually very smart. he was one of the best in his class all throughout middle school but mental illness ruins everything and at that point his priority was mostly on not killing himself. he didn't go to college

also the cool guy in his school when he wasn’t the shortest. was definitely the short one in highschool and was also suicidal so he was substantially less popular then. people started realizing he was poor and vulnerable around that time too so he suffered a Little Bit Of Bullying but he would beat the shit outta anyone that started a physical confrontation with him. started smoking cigarettes around his 3rd year of highschool. started befriending delinquents and other lower-class teens

he used to be the ace of his school’s ping pong team. stopped going to practice during an episode and got cut from the team

he really loves his mom a lot and he feels really bad for her because she's poor too so he’s determined to help her out as much as he can. he doesn't wanna be an economic burden on her

she used to be an escort but now she’s a nurse (and was part of the yakuza as well but she left when she got pregnant). hisao is illegitimate

has a lot of trouble with commitments. he is, however, determined to make a manga

his story ideas tend to be pretty dull but he can draw characters and dialogue with intense skill

he knows so many damn ghosts and he's friends with like all of em. he prefers them to living people much more since they don’t treat him like he’s an untouchable

no boyfriend or girlfriend. too busy being a loser. he really wants one too but he doesn’t fucking deserve it

terrible fashion sense he just puts on whatever he sees first and slathers himself in antiperspirant

shitty skin. the freckles on his face are mostly hyperpigmented spots where acne used to be. he still gets the occasional pimple on his scalp or hairline. the oiliest

he doesn't keep anything clean like ever. everything that's his is either messy and/or unsanitary

hes like. genuinely a nice person but circumstances had kinda led him to his garbage man persona. always gives a couple dollars to beggars and helps the elderly across the street.

he’s also pretty charismatic in general. he knows how to work the system

listens to speedcore and other garbage like that

LOVES KIDS he's so good with little children he even applied to work at a daycare but they didn't like his vibe and also he has zero professional experience

will eat everything. anything. not picky at all. he does like fruit and bread a lot though

also knows how to cook pretty well. had to prepare dishes for his mom when she was ill (all the time)

uses “おれ (ore)” around basically everyone because he doesn’t give a shit but “私 (watashi)” in restaurants and stuff. he isn’t rude at all he’s just a little coarse.

cv: kazuhiko inoue (like how he sounds when he’s playing a nerd character)

[robotslenderman]

Wait, American here. What's happened? Why are we fighting with the Australians. Everyone knows not to fight with the Australians, they're our allies ffs. Oh god, he's going to start WW3.

G’DAY MATE LEMME SORT THAT OUT FOR YA. Scroll to the bottom for a TL;DR.

*Clears throat* #auspol, please correct me if I’m wrong on this, I’m just repeating what my mother told me and I’ve read absolutely nowhere about the Central American refugees thing, so let me know if I’ve totally cocked this one up.

Right. Before we get started, lemme tell you about Australia’s version of the Mexican Wall (detention centres! Human rights violations for everybody!), and how this relates to Trump throwing a tantrum on twitter and Malcolm Turnbull either being the most unimpressed politician ever or the biggest doormat ever, depending on who you ask.

See, the big issue in Australian politics (when it’s not the annual Leadership Spill) is the People On Boats.

Because of that whole “island nation” thing, we don’t have people fucking over here over the border because our border’s the fucking ocean, so they have to get on a goddamn boat to do it. To get on the boats, they pay people smugglers, go across a few countries, then get on more boats (possibly not in that order, I don’t know, I don’t have a bachelor’s degree in this), and then wind up here.

There’s a couple of problems with this, “AAAAAH BROWN PEOPLE!!!” from the racists in the peanut gallery notwithstanding:

Problem #1 – People smugglers know that those boats are one-way-trip only, so they give refugees the shittiest possible boats they can. Every now and then, one springs a leak earlier than intended. (Yes, “earlier than intended”, more on that in a tick.) So every now and then we’ll see on the news that the navy found an empty boat or one full of corpses or answered a distress call only to find no boat at all. Either way, refugees can and have died to get here – either as an accident, or as a tragic consequence of – 

Problem #2 – I don’t know the specifics, but the Australian navy, when it intercepts boats, is… I don’t know if they’re supposed to somehow turn the boats back, all I know is that they can’t let the refugees on board.

Unless the boat is in distress.

The solution to that? Blow a hole in the boat.

IDK if this still happens, or if this is just my Liberal mother filtering it, but what I’ve heard is that the only way the refugees can get rescued by the navy is if they’re in danger. So the refugees sabotage their own boat, and the navy has to rescue them.

As you can imagine, sometimes this doesn’t go as intended. Sometimes the navy’s too late, or someone slips – there’s families on board those shitty boats. People’s children have died.

Anyway, because of problem #1 and #2, there’s a real risk of people dying. Now, look, a lot of people who don’t want refugees here are just plain racist and could actually hardly care less about drowning refugees, and all of this could be solved by the navy just rescuing them anyway before the refugees are desperate enough to kick a hole in the hull, but fact of the matter is, there’s people profiting off the life savings of vulnerable people, greasing the wheels of corruption and putting people in danger, all the while promising that they’ll get settled in Australia if they remember to blow a hole in their own ship.

and then we stick them in a detention centre for years or more anyway.

So basically, all Australian politics ever talks about is Stopping the Boats (or not stopping the boats).

So somebody – IDK if this was the Lizard King or Turnbull’s idea, or even Obama’s. But at some point, Aussie politicians made a deal with Obama.

And, again, correct me if I’m wrong because the only source for this is my Liberal (as in, right-wing Liberal) mother, and I’m too lazy to google, and have heard nothing about this anywhere else, but – 

The idea is that we’d swap refugees. America gets our refugees, and we get Central American refugees. Two thousand, I think. I expect that’s just to start off with because I would’ve heard about it earlier if this was a thing that had been going on for a while. Either we end up with a few hundred extra refugees or it’s one for one, I don’t know, all I know is that it was two thousand on each side or less.

Anyway, this is win-win! 

People smugglers (hopefully) get less business because it’s kind of bad for business if you tell your clients they’ll go to Straya and they wind up drawing a short straw and winding up in Murica instead. (Word gets around, refugees find this stuff out so the people smugglers could only bluff for so long.)

People who are genuinely concerned about refugees not drowning are soothed because hopefully less refugees coming = less drownings.

Closet racists have to deal with brown people anyway and have no choice but to shut the fuck up or out themselves as actual racists.

People who are all for accepting refugees will be satisfied as the refugees get to go to a better life than the one they left behind anyway.

Basically the Australian government probably thinks it’ll get some peace and fucking quiet from all sides, when in reality we’ll just move on to marriage equality.

Now, again, I don’t know if this is actually what it is or not. I live in a Liberal (ie Republican, not left wing like it means in the States) household. I’ve never even seen left wingers here talk about people smugglers so I don’t even know how much of that is or isn’t true.

Whatever it is, we were supposed to ship a bunch of refugees over to the States and then the Carrot’s ass got elected, started going on about banning muslims etc and Washington DC Canberra went, “Oh, fuck.”

So! Turnbull, our PM, called Trump or vice versa to chat about it.

Then Turnbull told Straya that the deal was going ahead and that he Stood Up For Australia during this phone call. 

Australia went, “umm…. sounds fake but ok” because we’re Australian, not stupid, we got more coverage about the last US election than we do about all our elections ever combined. We know perfectly damn well that you either stand up to Trump or you get your own way, not both.

Then the Washington Post leaked what actually happened on that phone call a few days ago and now the Australian media is losing its shit.

What happened?

Apparently Trump went on about his penis size inauguration crowds, pitched a fit about the deal and how he “intended” (note the wiggle room that word gives you) to follow through on the deal, called that phone call with Turnbull “the worst” phone call he’d had that day (yes, to Turnbull’s “face”), and then hung up on him 25 minutes in out of the hour that call was supposed to take.

The Washington Post leaked it a few days later, and the Australian media lost its shit.

And after the Washington Post leaked it, Trump (ETA: oops, fixed that error, it was definitely Trump!) complained publicly on twitter that the whole deal was “dumb” and implied he was gonna try get out of it.

Australian media lost its shit again.

Now, regardless of your opinions of Turnbull – I think the guy actually did stand up to Trump. (I shouldn’t have said that out loud on tumblr, that’s like the Australian equivalent of saying “well I heard Trump petted a dog once?”) He can be a bit of a people pleaser and seems to be pretty laid back rather than go-for-the-throat. Or so I’m guessing because political news has been a lot quieter since the Lizard King was deposed.

But look, first off, we’re fucking Australians. We despise rank, it’s in our blood, our ancestors were convicts who wanted (and frequently tried) to shank their British overlords. Ranks are formalities on paper that should stay on paper. You wouldn’t even dream of the President of the US making chitchat with, say, a garbage disposal man, but in Australia if we found out our PM didn’t treat one as his equal we’d lose our fucking minds at the politician’s arrogance. Unless the garbage person was brown, because at the end of the day, Australia is p damn racist. Even the biggest doormat of a PM would have their inner Australian chomping at the bit the second Trump so much as insinuated he was more important than them. 

And come on, even people who live under rocks just know how big Trump’s ego is and how long Trump can be expected to go before he insinuates someone is beneath him even a little bit.

Secondly, the American pro-Trump media is implying that Turnbull pissed Trump off because they spun it as “well, Trump’s other phone calls went fine!”

And thirdly, I really don’t think a manchild like Trump would hang up the phone on someone unless that person was acting with a sliver of self-respect. Like hell, Turnbull could breathe too loudly and Trump’d be offended.

But then, Turnbull might’ve stood up to him and still been a doormat by our standards, because he is not telling the media his side of the story. At all. Probably because he doesn’t want to piss off Pence whoever winds up in charge after Trump goes, because at the end of the day, sucking up to the States is a sport that’s even more popular than our annual leadership spills.

Also, Australians hate politicians in general, so we’d probably call Turnbull a doormat if he bought a plane ticket and pissed on Trump’s hair personally, so.

TL;DR – Washington Post leaked that Trump humiliated our PM over the phone and now Australia’s going “Oooooh, shots fired!”