#sometimes i wonder why i'm still here

[kaze-ranna]

I’m reposting this gif which I made in 2016 because Tumblr mistakenly deleted it, and they can’t reinstate it. It was my most popular post with over 7.5k notes! 😭

[moonchild-in-blue]

Oh.

[iwasbored777]

I was just thinking about that TV cliché where a character who is abandoned by a parent/parents is obsessed with them their whole lives and I'm happy Miraculous Ladybug didn't do the same with Adrien and his mom. He doesn't know if she died or left but he doesn't think of her 24/7 and doesn't use this trauma as excuse for his mistakes. He's sad and all that but they didn't make him talk about her all the time, cry every day because she disappeared, never get over that for as long as he lives. Instead they gave this obsession to his father, a villain, and decided to have Adrien try to be happy while mourning. Teach kids that they have to move on. Bad things happen and people leave whether they die or they don't want you, but they leave, and you have to move on for your own sake.

Just look at Homer Simpson and Richard Waterson and you'll know what trope I'm talking about. It's unrealistic and stupid, I hate it.

[zaphiyy207]

"Cookies Ready! Anyone want some?"

Heya, a quick sketch because I haven't drawn anything at all today. I truly miss baking due to busy schedule so here's Theia baking chocolate chip cookies!! They're all irregular shaped because she had some helping hands from the waddle dees.

And every once in a while, the three would go out picnic. (Pretend there's more than a bowl of cookies). It's a time where they're not tied up by work and able to just relax for a bit. Kirby loved being sandwiched between the two because he'll get a lot of head pats and scratches from Theia. Meta Knight often received head pats and scratches from Theia (he loves it, even though he looked like he despised it) simply because she can't even stay still and often loved showing others she cared for them (via head pats and etc etc)

And not only them, the others would join them too and sometimes food fight ensued but only once.

[keii]

Idk why I randomly have this urge to draw Yoosung again bc it's not like I read any life changing fanfics about him lately nor have I replayed the game. I'm just in my own world and Yoosung's just living in it.

[angelsdean]

realizing you're no longer mutuals with someone like. i am too sensitive for this

[satanfemme]

being both gnc and trans is so hard sometimes. it's like, I'll face adversity for being gnc/trans/whatever-strangers-read-me-as, and in addition to the normal base-level difficultly and pain and fear of these experiences, I'll also feel on some level like it's "my own fault" too because this is what I purposefully decided to be.

I often dress/act like a girl but have a deep voice/facial hair/flat chest -- and I opted in for all of those. I spent more money than I can conceptualize in order to medically transition in those ways. while, in theory, I could've saved the money, not transitioned, continued dressing/acting the same way as I do now, and the problem would no longer exist... in theory. ofc logically I know that's not at all how it works. if I hadn't transitioned I would feel even worse. and the way I'd experience & express gender would still be intrinsically different from "cis girl" -- that's true regardless of how my body looks or sounds. which should all go without saying, because I very obviously don't conform to my CAGAB either. if I did I wouldn't be in this mess!! u know?

...but the self-blame is still there, because for better or for worse I did go out of my way to become myself. <- feels like a truism.

[zoekrystall]

Rant. Hate traveling to the city so much.

I need to get to the big city today and I am this fucking close to biting and going feral. Why the fuck do you wait by the door so much prior to the destination coming leave me the fuck alone you people had sit places. And of course no-one wears a mask so not suprised. Get away. And also of fucking course this train system is useless as fuck and I come 20 minutes at min later to my appointment and if that isn't fine then I'm going to go feral for real I'm already so done. If selfish people wouldn't be assholes could I maybe at least eat or drink between leaving and coming back home but I'm not risking shit. Fucking hate here man I wonder why I either barely go out or if exclusively with other people and then this is the state and I remember. The coughing just adds I don't want anymore. If anyone starts to sit next to me without a mask will I have even more bloodlust. If I'm lucky I get cozy and turn into snuggle cat mode once home and if not will I have to sleep again bc otherwise I will be unable to function for anything bc only one emotion is allowed to exist until sleep reset.

[fionnaskyborn]

one day when i am not busy dying on the inside and out i will write an honest-to-god essay about how people are, for the lack of a better descriptor but simultaneously for the lack of a more perfect one, too edgy about five.

[bitbrumal]

you ever think about how kaeya is constantly on guard, scared, & simply -- not okay. that regardless how good he gets at handling all the threats he anticipates, that does not give him the power to make himself feel safe. just prepared. just capable. & it is something alike safe, it really is ----- but absolutely not the thing itself.

anyway all he truly craves is to just feel safe again & he lowkey highkey wishes he’d never felt it. that the ragnvindrs were less kind.       it was easier when he didn’t know what he was missing.

[keeps-ache]

honestly.

[bondsmagii]

Micéal please 😭😭 Like I understand your point, you're right, fresh veggies need to be washed and finding a bug shouldn't stop you but!!! That spider isn't a tiny itsy bitsy spider it's a Lady Spider. It could eat my whole hand if it wanted 😭😭

I have a deep arachnophobia (and fear of bugs as well) and. I would drop. I would die. It's not even disgust, I know these all contribute to the ecosystem and I make it a point to never kill any if I can help it, and just cry-puke my panic response as I get them out while shaking, but I would fuckint pass out if I find that in my cauliflower 😭😭😭

bro if that thing could eat your hand that must be the world's biggest cauliflower!! looking at it, it seems like average florets to me, and I am very familiar with cauliflower, and have seen a few in my time. fair enough if you have arachnophobia, but this person does not. they are literally just disgusted to find a spider in their vegetables, which grow outside, you know, where spiders live. if a person gets put off because something triggers their literal phobia, that's a completely different thing -- but getting disgusted because the fresh food you purchase from the out of doors isn't beautifully clean and sanitised? that's just a disconnect with the natural world that my country-living ass cannot understand. I fish bigger spiders out of my bathtub every day!! and they are not supposed to be there. I am like mister you need to go back outside. scram.

[noxtivagus]

PLAYED A LOT OF FFXIV TODAY ✨

[suddencolds]

. vent

[babybarbies]

my shoulder hurts

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.