#sometimes people to horrible things. sometimes they do good things. and its a personal choice for those around them to forgive or not

[godsfavoritescientist]

Personally I don't trust the Axolotl. A mysterious cosmic *apparently*-loving-and-understanding being who almost never interferes with the happenings of the multiverse, who has power to set the terms of when someone is "absolved of their crime?" Sounding a little too much like the kind of god I was told about in christian sunday school if you ask me 🤨

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

[shadowshrike]

The Curious Case of Halsin and Astarion's Ascension

For anyone who's occasionally poked around my stuff, you probably know that I found my Evil run of Baldur's Gate 3 (by which I mean my selfish run where I tried to gain as much power, wealth, and companion trust as I could) to be my most satisfying thus far. Part of that was the unique experience of having Halsin ask to join Tav and Astarion's relationship post-Ascension.

At the time, I said yes because it made sense for my character to "collect" an Archdruid. Out of character, I was tickled by the idea that Halsin confessed after Astarion became the new biggest bad in the land. Halsin was supposed to be a Good guy. Surely, either a possessive Astarion would be spitting mad about the arrangement, or Halsin would have second thoughts about Mr. Vampire Ascendent once he got a taste. I was ready for the drama.

It never came. In fact, the glimpses of their dynamic were so comfortable and playful that I was shocked.

Since then I've been doing a lot of thinking about Halsin and why he might act how he does throughout the Ascension storyline. I realize most of this can be handwaved with 'fanservicey romance writing.' That's true for parts of all romance paths, honestly, and I don't consider it a wholly bad thing given the game's goal to make you its center. However, I think being dismissive of the writing is not as much fun as building headcanons that work with any set of behaviors or lines you get.

So enjoy some theories pulled from datamined dialogue and my personal games. As always, this is completely hypothetical - I encourage everyone to write 'canon' in their personal playthroughs however they prefer.

Note: it's impossible to get all these lines in a single run due to some hinging on Astarion leaving and some may be bugged or near impossible to trigger. They're just being used to explore a character and dynamic that I don't see much of around fan spaces.

Halsin on the value of lives

To briefly set the stage, it's important to understand how Halsin views life and justice. He spells it out rather clearly if Kagha kills Arabella and her parents are also dead.

Halsin doesn't consider himself to be an arbiter of good and evil, only a steward of nature and its Balance. He highly values life. However, it's not him, the leader of the Grove, who is ultimately responsible for deciding Kagha's fate; it's the wronged parties or, barring that, nature itself who should decide her true punishment.

Halsin: As for the idol? It's nothing compared to a life. A mere object, next to one of nature's creations. I cannot absolve you, even if you are repentant. The girl's parents should have decided your fate, but they perished. Instead, nature will judge you. You are banished from this place - banished from everywhere the Oak Father's creations thrive.

But valuing the sanctity of life doesn't mean he doesn't also understand the importance of sacrifice. For example, if Wyll chooses his freedom over his father, Halsin counsels that it's a necessity to sacrifice to grow at times, no matter how unpleasant.

Halsin: You made a hard choice, Wyll. But not one that is unknown in nature. At times, a seedling must strangle the very tree that bore it, if it is to survive.

The price of 7000

So, Halsin's not a big fan of sacrificing life, yet understands that sometimes, people need to die for others to thrive.

But what about 7000 lives? A whole village worth?

That level of sacrifice sounds an awful lot like the day his life was destroyed by Ketheric and the Shadow Curse. A horrible event that haunted his every thought and deed for the next 100 years.

Within this context, it makes sense that all of his responses during the Ascension, whether Astarion does it or not, are focused on the price being paid. He usually emphasizes the sheer number of people affected and never discusses Astarion's potential evil (more on that later) or the undead nature of those lives.

Halsin: Stay your hand, Astarion. To sacrifice so many is a tyrant's ambition.

Halsin: All those lives snuffed out, just to grasp some power. That was craven - unnatural.

Halsin: Astarion resisted the allure of Cazador's would-be powers - and I am glad of it. Whatever he would have gained would have come at a great price.

The interesting part about this is, as an Archdruid of Silvanus, those undead lives should be considered an abomination. The Oath of Ancients oath break if you free the spawn reminds us of this. So Halsin's advice to save the spawn is not necessarily druidic advice - it is a personal opinion wrapped in flimsy druidic justifications.

He even recognizes undead as unnatural when you enter Cazador's home:

Halsin: A lair of undeath - most unnatural. We must tread carefully.

Yet about the spawn, who are undead and an intimate part of that unnaturalness, he says this about releasing them:

Halsin: Good - they deserve a chance at life. Nature will handle their fates from here.

Mercy for all monsters?

This is interesting to compare to another encounter with a smaller version of an eerily similar choice in Act III. The mindflayer in the Windmill - a person turned into a monster, much like a spawn. Allow it to live, and it may devour a family. In that case, Halsin says:

Halsin: We allowed this unnatural thing to live - now a whole family's worth of blood is on our hands.

He joins a host of other Good companions who curse themselves for showing mercy where it wasn't warranted. These are largely the same companions who would also save the spawn.

Karlach: This is our fault. These people died because of us. What were we thinking?

Wyll: Justice does not entail granting mercy to monsters. We should not have let this abomination go free.

Gale: A cruel conclusion to the mercy we showed, but hardly an unpredictable one. As long as it lives, so will its appetite.

The contradictory perspective taken during these two storylines shows the importance of emotional context in how we make decisions. For most, their traveling companion, who also has a tadpole, is the first vampire spawn they've ever met, while mindflayers have generally been the big evil this entire time. This could lead them to feel as though a horde of spawn may have enough humanity to need a chance, while a newborn Mindflayer should be exterminated on sight. Also, most of the other Good companions are relatively young and idealistic, so it makes sense that some may make foolhardy, heroic decisions.

But this encounter also begs the question: if these heroes are so distraught by having the blood of one family on their hands due to a single hungry mindflayer they saved, how could they justify letting 7000 starving monsters with unquenchable bloodlust free? Are they simply kind-hearted and short-sighted? Or maybe they're only optimistic about the hunger of vampire spawn, despite having personal examples of both a spawn and a mindflayer who manage their hunger equally ethically - by feeding on enemies and criminals.

Their naivety is driven home by Jaheira not being moved by the mindflayer or the spawn due to her extensive life experience. She believes in both cases that the greater mercy is to kill the creatures now.

(About the spawn) Jaheira: And what of the living they'll feast on, should they not prove as admirable as Astarion? They deserve a chance, too.

(About mindflayer) Jaheira: Look well. Our stupidity. Our price to pay.

Halsin is even older. He's a devout druid. He recognizes undead as unnatural. By all accounts, he should be on the same page as Jaheira to preserve the Balance. Yet in the face of that, he still advises to give the spawn a chance to live free, likely wreaking havoc wherever they need to feed.

I like to think this strange blind spot in his doctrine is due to a combination of Astarion's presence humanizing the unknown spawn, therefore making their unlives worthy of protection, and his own history as a genocide survivor creating an emotional reaction strong enough to override his usual wisdom. The price of a village is simply too devastating and personal for him to condone. No matter what letting 7000 ravenous undead free may mean.

Making the price worth it

Once you've ascended Astarion, you may be surprised that Halsin - generally a good man - is now steadfastly on Astarion's side. His reactions to the Gur conflict highlight this. If you side with Astarion against them, he's not happy, but resolute.

Halsin: An unfortunate battle... but I must stand by those I count as allies.

And if you decide Astarion is evil now and side with the Gur, Halsin doesn't seem to care about what Astarion has become, only that you allowed the sacrifice to happen and then let it go to waste:

Halsin: We allowed Astarion to sacrifice so many, only to just turn on him soon after? We should have stopped him sooner.

In contrast, many other companions call Ascended Astarion a monster, evil, or maniacal if you turn on him. They believe killing him at that point was the only right answer.

Karlach: It's done. It had to be done. Astarion was... out of control. Gods dammit. Look, he was an evil leech, but he was ours. I thought he'd changed. I was wrong. I always am these days.

Minsc: Do not mourn Astarion. The Gur are known to be a just and righteous people among the Rashemaar. They named Astarion monster, and so monster he was. Yes, Boo - even if he sometimes seemed a friend.

Gale: That's one scourge eliminated. A vampire with that much power would be a death sentence for this city. A pity Astarion didn't understand that. Or rather, didn't care.

Lae'zel: Astarion proved himself no less maniacal than his master. His death was a favour - to him, to us, and to the city.

Wyll: Hunt the monsters of the Sword Coast, protect the people - that was my promise. Killing Astarion was the right thing to do. I have to believe that. But I'm not proud of it. Not after... all this.

Ignoring Astarion's evil and telling you that you shouldn't have betrayed him may seem odd for a character who usually has a strong moral compass. Especially since Halsin doesn't tell you that you shouldn't have betrayed Shadowheart if you choose that path, though he's wary of that decision since you're handing her over to Sharrans. However, if Halsin's focus is on the 7000 lives and not on Astarion's personal kindness or cruelty, it makes more sense.

The people are gone. There is no taking back all those lost. So he's left with the need to make their sacrifice something other than a meaningless slaughter. The power for his companion must be worth it.

Halsin on Evil Astarion

You may be thinking, "Okay, but even if it's all about the mass sacrifice mimicking his own horrific past, shouldn't he still care about Astarion being Evil? He doesn't like evil acts at all!"

That's mostly true. Halsin certainly hates Shar for personal reasons and can get upset when you do cruel things. However, he's also potentially had a bit of a soft spot for Astarion since Act I, when you can decide the vampire spawn is evil and kill him or kick him out of camp.

His lines for this are actually shared with Karlach, Wyll, and Jaheira, according to the data. The uniqueness is primarily in his distraught line delivery.

If you kill Astarion, Halsin admits that he liked the guy even though he was a killer:

Halsin: Rest in peace, Astarion. You may have been a blood-thirsty murderer, but I liked you all the same.

And if you send him away, Halsin says this about Astarion being alone in the woods:

Halsin: He's someone else's problem now, anyway. Woods are full of boars. Maybe he'll learn his lesson and start hunting something that won't miss him when he goes.

His camp reactions immediately after Ascension mirror this attitude of concern rather than condemnation of evil. If Halsin speaks directly to Astarion, he sounds exasperated (the way Halsin says his name always makes me snicker) while Halsin once again brings up the idea of the price being paid.

Halsin: Astarion... you have ascended amongst the ranks of the undead. I can only hope that you do not come to regret the price that you paid.

However, the almost identical line if he's talking to another player character is delivered differently, particularly in how he says Astarion's name. It's more concerned than judgmental, implying that his frustration with Astarion is coming from a place of worry rather than pure anger.

Halsin: Astarion... he has ascended amongst the ranks of the undead. I can only hope that he does not come to regret the price that he paid.

This is particularly notable because it's in contrast to Shadowheart, who has a very similar line after her evil choice, but the emotion behind both sounds more similar to my ear.

After that initial comment, Halsin can banter with Ascended Astarion about how he's turned the player into a vampire spawn if there's a player romance. Unlike most of the other companions who can comment, such as Wyll and Gale, he expresses worry for both of them, not just the player. He also explicitly explains he has no intention of kink-shaming them, just warns about how dangerous having a master/thrall relationship can be if made real.

Halsin: To give oneself wholly, and to have a lover totally in your thrall...? A harmless game, until it becomes real. I worry for the two of you, Astarion. For your sake, I hope some of it is just a fantasy, deep in your heart.

But perhaps the most blatantly accepting we see him of Ascended Astarion is if they go to the Drow twins together. There are always some playful lines with one another if they're both present, but one is unique to Ascension if the player bites Halsin as a spawn during the scene. Halsin's response is light and delighted, acknowledging Astarion's role as not just a vampire, but the lead in your new relationship.

Halsin: Ha - tickles. See what a bad influence you are, Astarion?

Combine with Halsin's direct propositioning of Astarion if Astarion teases him about his night with the player, and there's a case for long-held attraction as well, regardless of alignment.

Astarion: I hear things got wild between you two. I hope no one was too badly mauled. Halsin: We're all in one piece. Perhaps you'll join us next time. Astarion: It's bad enough having one person with fangs trying to keep control of themselves. Two of us could be dangerous.

All these lines, taken together during times when others label Astarion a monster, suggest that Halsin accepts Astarion as a whole. He doesn't believe in trying to change people's nature, so maybe he sees any distasteful deeds as part of Astarion's, the same as an owlbear cub eating its mother might disgust some though it is completely natural.

It makes sense, then, that Halsin might be proud of Astarion for choosing morality or personal growth, but he isn't too bothered if that doesn't happen either. What line Astarion would have to cross to earn Halsin's true ire is unknown. The reverse is a much more complicated question (mostly because it's plausible that many of Astarion's lines are rooted in deception) that I may delve into another time.

Is this whole relationship a little ironic given that Halsin is The Selfless Good Druid and Astarion is The Selfish Evil Undead? Absolutely. But that's the fun of it, in my opinion. It adds depth to these characters in ways that rarely shine through during a singular playthrough, especially since very few will do the crazy thing I did with an Ascended Astarion + Halsin romance.

It sure makes for narrative fun, though.

[shorthaltsjester]

honestly as someone who has been in various fandoms for a long time now and who also watched campaigns 1 and 2 without really getting into cr fandom it isn’t Shocking but it is annoying how often people will look at the stories that cr tells and make absolute claims about the goodness of characters (goodness here meaning Moral goodness, not I Like This character and think it’s well made goodness, which is a separate post entirely). particularly regarding the gods and pc parents. and honestly like, typically in fandom i get annoyed by people bending over backwards to woobify characters who are active in their choice to be unkind and generally horrible but in the cr fandom it’s tended to be the opposite where like. a character is just. a human being (in the sense of being Average not in the sense of Fantasy Races) and huge swaths of the fandom act like that’s the most unforgivable thing someone can be. and maybe it is, but one of the most powerful things about fiction is that it tends to encourage people to expand their empathy and exercise their ability to forgive. because fictional characters, no matter how much people like to project onto them, tend not to cause anyone harm, so it’s easier to learn how to forgive and accept things you don’t understand without also villainizing them.

this is mostly prompted by the recent 4sd and the fact that matt’s response to what’s up with the dawnfather was a very insistent “He’s not bad!” and also seeing the online reaction to the mention that the matron would punish vax for saving keyleth that has taken the as usual completely bonkers tune that the raven queen (Who When Met With A Brother Asking A God To Kill Him In Favour Of His Sister, Gave Him A Job, and Later Extended His Natural Life To Help Protect The World And Have More Time With His Family And Allowed Him To Visit His Sister On Her Wedding Day) is a horrible evil abusive bitch of a god. like. can we grow up? can we understand the world and fiction that represents the multitudes of experiences found in it in shades of grey? is that too much to ask (i know it is).

but also specifically the like Extremely Adamant way that both matt and laura were like no no no no relvin isn’t Horirble he’s average. he’s not good he’s just. he’s A father, not a good or bad one. and on the surface it’s hilarious that they’re both so like. enthused to point out that he’s Average because typically when people respond to a claim of a characters badness with the level of immediacy they both did it’s a rebuttal of “no, this character is good actually.” but it was just to affirm that relvin did harm imogen, but not because there’s some aspect of his character that is inherently cruel or especially Bad. and like. yeah actually. yeah you should react like that to a claim that this average person who Has hurt someone, the way that nearly every single person has hurt someone in a way they cannot repair, with immediacy to say this person is a Person and thus imperfect and capable of great harm, but that isn’t some all encompassing judgment on their morality or capability to also do good or be fine.

anyway this is kinda just a rant post but also is just me saying i’m very grateful that when surrounded by a fandom that tends to paint characters as Good or Bad and even while using a game that can encourage that with its alignment system, cr has always told stories that see goodness as a persistent choice that might sometimes falter and that can be chosen even after a lifetime of Badness. i can’t remember exactly what the quote was so forgive me if it’s incorrect but when jester is talking to caleb after he claims he’s not a very good person and she says “good people do bad things sometimes. even bad people do good things.” that’s it! that’s one of the most consistent themes across campaigns. and yet.

[only-omo]

characters who "dont wet".

and by that i mean characters who always have enough bladder control that even when they are past their limit and urine is slowly dribbling down their legs, thats all it ever is. no forceful wetting, no "loss of control", not completely. just leaking every few minutes until they can hold it again. sometimes big leaks that immediately give them away (or dont, but now they cant move without being caught so), throwing those around them into a panic; sometimes smaller leaks that are easier to hide in terms of damage, but so much harder in terms of the strain it puts on their bladder to only let out so little

and it really is something special, because it can get to a point where their pants are notably soaked to the hems, maybe even a small puddle or two depending on if theyve been walking around, and theyre still squirming like mad, or trying not to, because this is damage that happened over the course of nearly an hour or more.

eventually if theyre with people someones gonna ask why they dont just give up already, theyve already fully wet themselves in terms of damage, and doing it this way is really doing nothing but causing way more damage than necessary. because at this point even if they wanted to hide it still - i mean, it is horribly embarrasing to consistently wet yourself over the span of an hour (or more) i think - its painfully obvious every time they leak, their clothes too soaked to absorb it quick enough, unavoidably leading to small-to-incredibly-messy puddles each time.

whether theyre able to answer the person or just stutter and get out not much more than "i dont know", they cant bring themselves to intentionally stop holding, despite the risks, and the only way to fully empty their bladder not at a toilet would be to intentionally choose to wet. so they keep "holding".

from here it will go one of two ways, either they finally get access to a bathroom, where they will likely suffer latch-key incontinence and finally fully lose control on the way from the door to the toilet, likely not able to do anything but maybe sit down to try to minimize mess, otherwise just staring as urine re-soaks their pants and gathers on the floor underneath them (and its obvious they re-wet, so they cant pretend they made it, potentially leading to comments from someone about why they bothered so hard just to not make it anyway, to their utter embarrassment). or they dont find a bathroom, and theres nothing they can do but keep trying to hold it.

now i know from experience that around this point you really do start to feel sick, but its in an exhilaratingly horrible way. your body starts to fight itself to the point where it actually changes your thought pattern. and not in the typical "ohmygodohmygodineedtopee" type of way that some people arent susceptible to, but in a strange way where the most logical thing in existence at that moment is that they should not be holding their pee, regardless of location, as if societal standards didnt exist, as if it truly didnt matter where they peed or what they were wearing when they did it. the way their bladder is so confused it cant do much but dully ache, no longer sharp or threatening leaks, but still the most pressing thing on their mind.

their bladder will actually shut their brain down, reverting them to basic instinct, and theres a good chance at some point their bladder will contract, and the only thing they can physically do is not only just let it out, but actively push it out as hard as they can, and if they could think it would feel intentional, the way their muscles are locked forcefully contracting as if almost by choice, completely negating the previous struggle of eventually regaining control; but they arent thinking, and that choice is more "dont die" than it is "wet myself".

obviously, its messy. its messy and its sudden, as they likely started to go despondent as the sickly feeling hit. its sudden, and its messy, and its loud. theyre not only just wetting themself, but pushing as if the urine was burning their bladder, and they have to get it out (not too far from the truth). trying not only to get out every last drop, but to get out the last drop as soon as possible. and there isnt any relief until a good minute or so after they finish, so theyre wetting with that full force, as if their bladder were still full, the entire time - which is likely a good minute or two, as despite everything theyve lost until now, their bladder was still mostly full - until it suddenly cuts off. it will get everywhere, and itll have everyones attention, and then itll be silent, aside from the light pattering of stray urine that hasnt yet reached the floor.

the most common response would likely be speechlessness, people arent used to bladders that can cause that much of an issue, even incontinent people usually just wet and get it over with.

and the wetters brain will only kick back on after theyre empty, though still in an almost daze of all the sensations and emotions. theyve been sitting in their slowly growing shame for at least an hour at this point so the social repercussions arent really hitting them (though they definitely will as the adrenaline drops), and theyre mostly focused on the stressful feeling of knowing that this must be horribly unhealthy, to end up feeling that way, and to just be primarily aware of the fact that they just totally pissed themself; more than they are anything that means, aside from that theyre soaked.

[topguncortez]

its been a couple of days since i made the tough choice to cut ties and temporarily walk away from a place that i love really really deeply.

but i’ve had some time to reflect and come to some conclusions about myself.

now excuse me while i vent out loud:

1) the phrase “once an addict, always an addict” is true. just because i don’t take pills anymore doesn’t mean i haven’t found a way to feed the craving of being addicted to something. im not 100% sure what that addiction is; maybe it’s that im a sucker for pain, maybe it’s i can’t walk away when i know i should, maybe it’s fucking caffeine (it’s 97% caffeine).

2) everyone heals and handles things differently. again, back to my past with addiction; some addicts can heal with still being able to be around the thing they are addicted to. i learned a long time ago, i am not that person. i have a hard time knowing when to walk away, but once i do… its like breathing fresh air. it hurts like a bitch sometimes but its also one of the best things for you. sometimes we get so blind with those rose colored glasses on, that we truly can’t see our own faults until we step back and reflect

3) i’m an angry person. i always have been and probably always will be. i’ve dealt with a lot of shitty things in my life. i’ve lost people who didn’t deserve to be taken away. i’ve watched some of the most vile humans get away with horrible offenses. i have been abused and assaulted. i’m angry. and there’s little i can do to shake that anger. however, i can control it. i can lock it away and deal with it in a healthy manner than just let it explode all over the place.

4). God knows what’s best for you. now, i don’t mean to get all religious on yall. i have struggled with my faith for years. I went through a period of time of questioning who God is and what his intentions are. If this great and almighty God sent his son to die to end our suffering… why are people still suffering? I still struggle with my faith, but i am relearning to put my trust in him and know that He is putting things in my life he knows I can overcome.

And finally,

5) never feel bad for doing things for yourself. i have been so well trained to put other peoples feelings above my own. for years, i have bit my tongue and told myself “i can’t say that, that’ll hurt their feelings” and let people continue to roll over me. believe it or not… i hate conflict. i hate awkward situations. i hate feeling like im being suffocated and i can’t breathe. i have become more vocal (good and bad thing) in speaking up when i have been hurt. it’s a slow learning process and sometimes it comes back to bite me in the ass cause i’m thrust into another situation i don’t know how to handle and the anxiety builds and then there’s tears and all that shit. but i have learned i should never feel bad for doing things for myself.

anyway, i know this is just a long ass vent that nobody is gonna read, but i hope maybe, just maybe this reaches someone who has been feeling the same way i have these past couple months.

i know not everyone has a great support system in real life that they can rely on when things get hard. i can honestly tell you that without some of the people in my everyday life and online life being there and helping me and offering me an ear to listen while i vent and scream at the world… i don’t think i’d still be here. but i want yall to know, if you need a place to vent and scream at the world, i am here for you. and i’ll do whatever i can to get you the help and resources if you need it. or if you just wanna get shit off your chest.

i’m here for you.

[salted-bird]

One of the things I love about Limbus' Abnormality encounters, besides how cool the designs are, is the way the game uses them to tackle the topic of performative empathy vs actual empathy.

You can't just try to fix an Abnormality's core problems and expect it to work. And it's not because the Abnormality will attack you before you get the chance to do anything, rather, following this approach is a consistent way to hit your own party with demerits due to the simple fact that YOU ARE THE ONE HURTING THE ABNO IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Trying to remove the Umbrella Fox's umbrellas is incredibly painful for it because it involves tearing off chunks of its flesh, mimicking the Weeping Toad's cry will cause it to flee because what it actually wanted was someone who would listen, removing the brambles will make the Bride and Groom sad because it means you are destroying their home, giving water to a blazing metal bull obviously isn't going to help, etc.

Your intentions can be good, but as the Umbrella Fox itself puts it, solutions without "forethought" have the potential to be incredibly harmful.

Which brings me to the similarities this has with IRL ableism, and how often body-abled people will tell you to do X thing under the claim that it will help you feel better (or even cure you) without considering the implications of their own suggestions for a single second. Some wonderful examples of this are telling someone with a respiratory disease or injury to just "take a deep breath", telling a person with chronic fatigue to "go jogging, it will give you more energy" or recommending to an autistic individual that they "learn common sense".

I'm sure you can imagine yourself (or know from first-hand experience, sadly) the rest of horrible 'magical solutions' disabled people have to hear on a regular basis, so back to the point, this type of acts share the same kind of impulsive and patronizing empathy as the "help(?) this Abnormality" choices in Limbus Company.

Not only do they not help anyone at all, in reality they are an active detriment to the physical and emotional wellbeing of the target you are supposedly trying to help with the action. In the end, the only benefit obtained is that you get to say you TRIED to help someone, hence the performative part of this behaviour, it makes you look good to others and to yourself by awarding you some imaginary reputation points that mean nothing.

Now it's very possible that you are thinking (or not) something about the lines of: "But hey, I unplugged the electric sheep being sacrificed to fuel a city, and I also sprinkled water on the tree suffering from a drought, I did have success helping a handful of the Abnos!".

This may appear to contradict my logic as described above, but I want you to consider a key difference between the Abnormalities the game does let you help and those for whom trying to do so is an insult. The former group suffers from external circumstances that can be changed through concrete actions, the latter faces permanent issues because of the very way they are.

So on the first camp;

-The Electric Sheep doesn't suffer because it's electric, it's suffers due to being exploited for energy.

-The Desert Twiggy Ghost Tree doesn't suffer because it's allergic to water, it suffers because it doesn't have access to any water.

-Similarly, the Electric Centipede only suffers because people are experimenting on it and you choose how to torture it.

You can liken them to disabled people with low-support needs, whose difficulties would in theory go away once you implement a social model of disability because the problems they face are, as the name implies, mainly social.

Now, contrast this with how for example, removing the brambles from the Rose Thorns Cross involves destroying its very body, and you should notice the theme Limbus is trying to convey through these encounters; Nobody is the same.

Sure, jumping the gun may work sometimes, if the problem is small enough to be dealt with through individual action, but more often than not the reality of what the other person is going through is so different from yours that an attempt to force your own experiences and judgement on them is only going to result in pain, and what's worse, pain for both parties if you genuinely were trying to help.

Which is not to say there's no point in desiring to offer help, my favourite part about how Limbus handles its event choices is that it teaches you a lesson about the value of simple understanding.

Tearing off its umbrellas won't help the fox, but going past its threatening appearance to show that you care by petting it will, the same goes for the gloomy frog that is so grateful to you for listening to its woes that it leaves one of its eyes behind as a gift. You don't need to change the Abnormalities' nature as Abnormalities to make them happy, being there for them and accepting them as they are is more than enough.

I could write more about the parallels between Abnormalities as a group of "non-humans" that go against the general idea of normal while existing solely to be exploited for resources and the way IRL disabled people are exploited by doctors and pharmaceutical companies for easy money while society at large doesn't care, but in the end the message is simple, imagine a world where instead of treating them like children or even complaining about them, abled people showed those with disabilities this type of empathy, the real type.

[gabessquishytum]

Rich Bitch Hob hires Dream's interior design firm to design a sex/playroom for him. Now after the initial contracts are signed Dream usually hands projects like these off to Desire - they have more aptitude with the "showy" nature of those types of design requests (Dream's rooms always seemed to be too elegant for the types of playrooms most people want).

But for all his horrible attitude, Hob fascinates Dream - Hob is beautiful and sexy(, and married, he came in with his husband after all). And Dream tries to do the right thing, hand the project off, because it will only end badly if Hob and Dream have to work together.

Hob turns Dream down flat - he doesn't want Desire to design his room.... he wants a Dream design, he wants Dream.

It is fine, if a little heated as Dream and Hob discuss the design and design choices in Dream's office. (Although, Desire walks by every few minutes to stare and goggle at Dream having sexual tension with an actual person).

Dream is working on being an honorable man, so regardless of the extreme provocation - Hob lounging around in tight clothes, sometimes pants, sometimes skirts, sheer shirts, multiple earrings adorning his bite-able ears - he finishes the project, on-site (near Hob's bedroom, for f sake) for much of it, without giving in.

Dream channeled all his tension and want into a piece of art (canvas/sculpture) that he places in the completed room.

Holy shit, yeah.

Hob has been pulling out all the stops for weeks to try and get Dream in his bed. Normally Hob isn't even the type to sleep around with people who he's technically paying, but he can't resist this one. Even flirting with his husband's rich friends doesn't quench the urge. He's genuinely incredibly needy and frequently retreats to his bedroom (right next to where Dream is working) to finger himself or play with one of his numerous dildos. Just to take the edge off it.

Honestly, Dream thinks that Hob is incredibly pretty. He likes looking at Hob when he's laying around in his designer outfits. But the best glimpses of Hob are when he sneaks out of his room, red and dishevelled from getting himself off. Or when he's napping next to the pool, all lax and soft with sleep. Dream loves seeing the tension in his body unspoon - Hob is obviously pretty stressed out, whatever else he tries to project. An unhappy marriage will do that to a person. Dream wants to take him in hand, tie him up in velvet ropes, and make him calm down.

His massive, life sized painting of Hob does a pretty good job at illustrating that. His mouth hangs open and his eyes are soft, misty brown. His body is pulled into the most incredible arches by invisible bonds. Its an extraordinary work of art - even Hob’s neglectful husband is pretty impressed (he didn't marry Hob for his figure, and what a figure he is...)

It's Hob who gets the real enjoyment from the piece, though. Now he knows that the gorgeous designer was so into him that he had to make something like this? Hob suddenly feels very confident about showing up at Dream’s office with a "thank you" present.

(Poor Desire gets an eyeful of their balls deep in the cute client's plump arse but honestly, what were they expecting?)

[prettiestboyreid]

fics that have altered my brain chemistry (eddies/joe qs version)

okay so ive been in an adhd brain rot?? where im just fucking HORRIBLE at reblogging fics that i enjoy and honestly it was my whole reasoning behind making this blog FOR GIVING WRITERS THE LOVE THEY DESERVE i just wanted to give a shoutout to these writers (and stories) they’ve made that just fucking messed with my brain (and in a good way okay??) over these last few months. please check them out and give them all the fucking love they deserve

like a poem (FINISHED series, but sometimes if you ask nice enough she will throw a blurb in there) - im so very fucking biased because i love her to the moon and back, but she writes the best fucking stories of joe that will keep you up all night having you rethinking all of your life choices. IT WAS VERY HARD FOR ME to pick out a story that i wanted to highlight in this post, but the whole reason i fell in love with her writing was because of bookstore!joe and he will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. love you boo

plot: “Joe finds solace in a quaint bookstore, your bookstore, from a hectic situation in the streets. But, you’re closed. But then also, it’s Joseph Quinn.“ from the authors page

echoes (FINISHED, series) - again im so very fucking biased because she is the sweetest person you will have the pleasure of knowing BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT - she writes so fucking beautifully she will literally have you CRY and this will forever and always be my favourite fic of hers. she deserves all the love she gets, and then even more so read it!!!! (she will make you cry its not on me tho)

plot: “When she laid her emotions out for her best friend, the last thing she expected was for him to turn around, walk away and never speak to her again. Years after, they meet again - different people, different feelings. Or are they?” from the authors page

the hideout (FINISHED, oneshot)- this was one of the first fics i read and fell in love with. it was in that timeperiod where all i could do 24/7 was read eddie munson fanfics and this was one of those fics where i went “holy SHIT??” and honestly i dont think there will ever be a time where this isnt just some % on my mind??

plot: “Eddie Munson made it big. Now, when he returns to Hawkins for a hometown concert with his band, he is reminded of the girl he’s been in love with for the past 6 years when Steve Harrington calls.” from the authors page

vintage reeboks (FINISHED) - this is one of those fics where you’re like???? holy shit i wish i’d come up with that?? i remember reading all of this in one day (summertime, sweating very fucking much) and its just?? holy shit its perfect?? the way eddie is in this??? and its something i could never think of would be this perfect?? i swear i think of this fic at least once a day??

plot: “The gate at the bottom of Lover’s Lake was meant to spit the quartet out in the Upside Down. Steve, Nancy, and Robin were meant to be there. He wasn’t meant to be alone. But when Eddie comes to on the shoreline, you’re there. It’s not the Upside Down. It’s not Lover’s Lake. It’s not 1986.” from the authors page

twenty four hours (STILL GOING) - the way this has me in a chokehold?? im a fucking sucker for when fics have a nice layout??? and this is just so pretty to look at?? like whenever i see its been updated my whole body is SHAKING?? i dont even know what to say?? this is just so amazing and the whole?? will they wont they?? i love them?? i want them both to fight with me all night long??? i CANNOT wait to see where this ends

plot: “in which eddie munson and you absolutely hate each other's guts. what happens when your friends make a bet that you can't spend more than twenty four hours consecutively together?” from the authors page

to know you’re mine (FINISHED) - i saw someone talk about this in the “eddie munson x reader” tag, and DEVOURED the chapters that were up in one whole day?? the way eddie is so fucking soft and nice and the best fucking gentleman in this?? and also?? the relationship to steve in this is amazing??? but THE RELATIONSHIP TO EDDIE IS EVEN MORE AMAZING?? such a fucking fantastic author please go EAT all the chapters right now

plot: “You know the rules. You'd been there when your boyfriend, Steve Harrington, discussed them with the others. There are only two.Number one: Only play when everyone's together. Number two: No finishing inside each other's girls.You'd agreed to these rules, same as Chrissy. Same as Eddie.But then there's rule number three, and though it remains unspoken, it's by far the most important. And you have that feeling again, like when you propped yourself up against the barstool, straining to see him on that stage, craning for a glimpse as his husky voice reached inside you. Now, his dark eyes are doing the same thing: pulling at something buried deep, tugging it into the light where it can't be hidden. And, sure, of course, you didn't intend this. But what are intentions in the face of such things? Needless to say, every rule gets broken.” from the authors page

the customer’s always right (STILL GOING) - hehhehe im a hoe for cutie virgin eddie??? but they way she always manages to capture eddie in her fics?? fucking amazing??? and her writing??? yes PLEASE so do yourself a favor on this fine friday AND READ THIS AMAZING FUCKING SERIES because eddie will make you fall in love in this???

plot: “eddie munson is a virgin and doesn’t want anyone to know (because being an adult who’s never fucked anyone is a total reputation ruiner). but you, his favorite customer, are more than willing to change that.” from the authors page

sincerely yours... (STILL GOING) - like i’ve told her before - her eddie is fucking amazing and so very much to the point!! im so excited for this one and cannot WAIT to see where eddies teasing will make him end up!! the last fucking part of this??? amazing

plot: "Untouchable, is what he called you. Dating Jason, the captain of the basketball tea, most would call you the same. Living your holier than thour life, something else he said, you can’t seem to swallow the need to prove him wrong” from the authors page

burn one (FINISHED) - this is just the perfect fucking combination of smutty and sweet??? like this is just how i imagine eddie and this is so fucking sweet and perfect?? had me thinking about this for WEEKS UGH

plot: "When you move to Hawkins to start over, your new unexpected friendship with your weed dealer next door is your saving grace. It was never your intention to fall in love with him though.” from the authors page

Disjointed (STILL GOING) - this fic has me feeling ALL the feels in all the chapters?? makes me GIGGLE, makes me CRY!!!, i’m in love with all the chapters and i CANNOT WAIT to see them live happily every after

also now that i’ve finished, i’ve just realised this is a lovepoem to my favourite authors on this app heheheh im sorry but i DO love you guys. please do go and read their stories, and send them all the fucking love in the world!! they do have so many amazing stories on their masterlist you will not be able to sleep tonight!!!

authors mentioned in this post THAT YOU NEED TO CHECK OUT!!: @icallhimjoey @ghostinthebackofyourhead​ @inknopewetrust @storiesbyrhi​ @ghost-proofbaby​ @blue-mossbird @lovebugism​ @plumxwrites​ @loveshotzz​ @boomhauer

[bug-oc]

Bug Fables OC Tournament Round 1

Bau (they/any) from @mantisgodsdomain

Bau (short for Bauplan) is a bandit - a dune cricket of a bandit, to be more specific. Cheerful and enthusiastic, they're prone to making friends wherever they go, with a well of energy and good cheer that almost seems bottomless. Though they belong to a species that's best known for being antisocial and cannibalistic, Bau is, perhaps, the biggest example of "terminally friendly" you'll ever meet - in more ways than one.

The ways to describe them are endless. "Party animal". "Shoulder to cry on". "Like if you violently blended a frat boy with a golden retriever and then made them 8'2 and a criminal". All of these descriptions, and more, fit them nearly perfectly (though they are not, in fact, literally 8'2, for reasons relating to them being an insect). When it comes to those they call their friends, they've got a nearly endless well of both energy and willingness to stick by the people they care for even in the worst of circumstances.

This extends, of course, to conditions most would consider to be decidedly unfriendly. They'll consider you a friend long after you've stabbed them in the back, after you've robbed them blind or carved their shell open with a sword. They are still a Bandit. They understand the kinds of things you have to do to make ends meet! The time might come, after all, where they might have to do the same for you.

They'd hate for you to die - truly, genuinely hate for it - but when it comes down to it, the lives of their fellow bandits have to come first. It's one life against many - and, you know, even if they'll mourn over you, their family needs to eat. They care for the people they meet so genuinely it can be overwhelming - even if you've only met for a bit, you're still a friend in their eyes, and they'll both gleefully and vocally consider you to be a companion. They're painfully genuine in all walks of life - they would never lie about anything regarding their own feelings, even to spare yours.

Down to the wire, they'll always pick the option to preserve as many people's lives as they can. Under kinder circumstances, they would never need to make a choice, but they're a Bandit, and a high-ranking enough one that making tough choices comes to be their responsibility.

They have the fate of their whole community in their hands. They'd love to offer a better chance, but they have to be pragmatic sometimes, especially when it comes to the Bandits they're responsible for feeding. When it comes down to a trolley problem, when it's the life of someone they care for against the lives of however many strangers - your life holds value to them, but they're not so cruel as to let people starve for the sake of one person's feelings.

If it were you with your dagger in their chest, then they would forgive you in a heartbeat. But if you don't feel like they deserve the courtesy of forgiveness - well, that's fine, too. They don't get to choose how you feel, after all. What kind of friend would they be if they tried to pick your thoughts for you? They still consider you to be a good friend, even after everything.

Holly (he/they) from @thetroupemaster

Holly's an ancient Roach with the most hellish commute known to Bugaria, long dead by the time Team Snakemouth rolled around. He was an inhabitant of the Sand Castle in its prime, assisted in his endeavors by a Warden named "Citadel" - who, in fact, practically just pestered him and nothing else - and worked at the Upper Snakemouth laboratories on the immortality experiments conducted within. Every day, he'd have to make the walk from the desert to the caves, and every night, he'd have to make the walk back, with the majority of his work day being travel time.

In fact, this horrible commute was what saved his life from suffering the same fate as the other Snakemouth scientists, as the cavern had already suffered its breakout of the subjects contained within and was thrown into total lockdown by the time he arrived at the gate, unable to get inside. So, Holly went home, unknown of what horrors happened within the walls, and unknowing that their life had been saved by the suffering of walking across half of Bugaria to get to home and work.

Personality-wise, he's a rather casual individual, just doing his job of… well, torturing people. But it's fine, it pays them well enough to make the transit worth it, and he's curious enough about what makes a bug tick that he just couldn't say no to the offer! With a particular interest in technology and biology, and maybe a couple of records of vivisection under their belt, this immortality-obsessed Roach makes quite the impression.

Why should you vote for him? Well, it'd be really funny to vote for a dead scientist, and their awful robot that bites. Oh, yeah, Citadel bites.

[sylvie-fics]

Enemies AND Lovers 💕

its another Viktor x reader for all you bitches out there. love yall like frfr.

Word count: 2.6K

Rating: M, minors dni

Warnings: Nsfw, reader uses she/her pronouns .

Authors note: unfinished? nah, it's an ✨Open Ending✨

-------------------------------------------------------------------

He hasn’t told anyone about it. 

Sure, his intense hatred for you was real at first. One collaborative project gone horribly wrong would cause anyone to hold some resentment. Damn, though, if you weren’t the most horribly stubborn person Viktor had ever met in his life. Insisting you knew what you were doing, and that things had to be done your way. It infuriates him. You infuriate him. So unwilling to listen, so unwilling to work with people. He’d been frustrated with Jayce before, sure– But you seemed to bother him on another level. He’d never been so heavily inclined to go buy a dart board, put your picture on it, and throw sharp objects at it. 

 He hated you. Or, at least, he did. For the past few months, he’s just been pretending. Maybe because he thought about the situation, and after some self-reflection, learned that he too was in the wrong. Maybe it’s out of desperation to keep his pride intact, because he just can’t let you win.

By all means, he’s ashamed of how he got himself into this situation. One day it was an innocent, “Should we hire an assistant?”. Then, it was asking Heimerdinger if he knew anyone that would be a good fit for the job. Oh, the way he spoke of you as though you were some sort of genius. Y/N would be perfect, Viktor. You know, she’s from the undercity too, Viktor. I’m sure the two of you would get along great, Viktor. Despicable. Surely, you must have bothered Heimerdinger just as much– and this was the perfect opportunity to pawn you off on someone else. Now Viktor’s stuck with you, and suffering every day because of it. 

Jayce, on the other hand, is almost certain Viktor’s been denying his feelings for you… well over a year now. And whatever happened a few months ago– and he *knows* something happened– has turned him into a desperate, lovesick puppy of a man. He finds himself frustrated trying to piece it all together. Everything was fine at first. The three of you worked together in relative harmony. Hell, he’d even say that the three of you were friends. There were times when the three of you could go out for lunch together, or sit in the same room without screaming at each other. 

And then somewhere along the way, you and Viktor realized you were both stubborn people who had trouble understanding “compromise”. Viktor would call you difficult. You’d call him a couple of choice words. The two of you would glare at each other, and then refuse to look at each other. 

Eventually, the hostility became constant. Unbearable, even. Jayce had to mentally prepare himself every day for the warzone he called work.

Something happened– but no one will tell him what. Frankly, it's starting to bother him more than the hostile work environment did. 

It’s painful to watch Viktor’s display of poor acting. On many occasions, Jayce has had to bury his head into his hands, truly astounded by how awful his friend is at hiding his feelings. He sees the way Viktor blankly stares at you– like– like it doesn’t even register that he’s staring! You’ll look up and stare back at him sometimes, waving your hands around trying to bring him back down to Earth. He’s just… trapped in his thoughts, or daydream, or whatever is going on in his head. The worst part of it, though? When he does snap back in reality, he glares at you, and says something along the lines of “What are you staring at me for? It’s rude, you know.”

He wants so badly to call him out on it. The way Viktor stares at you with adoration, and then unconvincingly says something about how much he despises you. 

*

On that fateful night Some months back, Viktor had gotten an unexpected knock on his door. In all fairness, most knocks on his door were unexpected. He wasn’t the type to have company often, but furthermore he wasn’t the type to be outside of the lab much. All in all, a rare occurrence– Viktor outside the lab, and with company. 

Though, he can’t say he was initially happy to see the person on the other side of the door. Harshly interrogating you on what you wanted, and why you were here.

“You argue with me a lot, and your existence generally makes me angry. Would you agree it’s fair to say we have a deep-running and intense hatred for each other?” 

“Obviously.” he responded.

“So, here’s the deal. I’m like, basically the modern day succubus. I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you fall in love with me – at the very least on a sexual level– and then you’ll suffer every day after. Every day. You see me in the lab? Hard. On the street? Hard. I’m about to destroy you. I’ve got so many years experience of destroying men. Do you wanna know what death feels like? Because I’m gonna suck and fuck the life out of you, bitch.”

Every word that came out of your mouth was simultaneously as horrifying as it was endearing. He felt such an intense mixture of both fear and arousal– and out of that came his stunned silent response of nodding his head and opening the door a bit wider, thus inviting you in. 

The rest of the night was a haze to him. He’d yet to convince himself any of it actually happened–It was more like a fever dream that encompassed all of his senses, and then some that had yet to be discovered. He spoke languages that did not exist. Found 7 whole new wonders of the world. He had his head thrown back, eyes rolling, whole body trembling, whimpering and moaning like he’d gotten hit by a truck. 

He couldn’t hear a word you were saying over how loud his heart was beating— and he could feel his heart beat in every part of his body. 

At some point, he’d lost track of how many rounds the two of you had gone. Your rage induced hate sex truly knew no limit, it having given you the stamina of a god. 

He was sure after you’d physically destroyed him, you’d walk out of his room and leave him for dead. He almost wishes you would have. Rather, you took care of him the rest of the night. 

Viktor could handle you re-dressing him a bit. However, what he couldn’t handle was the way you laid his head on your lap and ran your nails against his scalp. He melted into you, murmuring words of praise he would never otherwise dream of saying to you. Truth be told, he was so out of his mind that he couldn’t be spiteful in that moment. He couldn’t even remember why he disliked you so much. He still hasn’t remembered. 

You kept speaking so softly, talking about your past, what you wanted for the future. He’d fell asleep some time in between the topics of your favorite books and your favorite kinds of flowers. Periwinkles— he thinks. Though, considering he dreamed about taking you to a field of flowers, he might have just made that up. 

That next morning, you’d stealthily crawled out of his bed. He’d made a desperate effort to grab your wrist, a whine escaping his lips. 

“No…” he pleaded.

“I have to get ready for work, you’ll see me in a few hours, won’t you?”

He tried pulling you back in, clearly upset by the resistance.

“You’ll get cold. Come back to bed.” 

You placed your hands on his face, planting a quick kiss on his forehead, “I have a jacket, it's alright.”

And with that, you were gone. 

*

The change was immediate– and noticeable, too. A bit overly noticeable. Jayce never considered himself the best when it came to emotional talks, but usually he was– at the very least– able to shovel out a “I’m sorry to hear that, bud.” or “I’m here for you, man.” 

“... and furthermore, what does it mean to be a good person in this society?”  Viktor continued, not even having touched the food in front of him. He’d been talking for thirty minutes straight about morals and society. Jayce had already finished his lunch, and desperately watched the clock, only hoping this lunch break would end soon. He hasn’t got a clue how to have… whatever conversation they’re having.

“Am I a bad person for hating one of my own people? Hate… what even is hate… it’s just a societal concept made to divide us. I am a victim of society for perpetuating hate.”

Viktor looked like a hollow shell of a man with a voice box hastily thrown somewhere inside. 

“Now all I can do is suffer. I’m hurting in places I didn’t know could hurt. Do you think that's the true human experience? Pain? Suffering? What if I were to evolve past pain and suffering? What if I just felt nothing at all?”

Jayce has expressed his concern. Hundreds of times. For whatever reason, though, no one will tell him what’s going on. Frankly, it’s making him upset. He’d like to think you’re all fairly close friends with him. Aren’t friends supposed to talk about the things that are upsetting them? 

*

“Well… aren't they?” Jayce asked, looking over to Mel.

Jayce has found that venting about this situation to someone has relieved some of the stress. Mel seems to have a rather keen insight on things, especially when it comes to complicated emotions--Jayce was thankful for that– it had gotten him out of some bad situations a number of times.

“He’s probably got a thing for that girl… oh.. What's her na–(y/n).” 

“But he… I don't know, Mel. He really hated her before. They just sort of argued about everything. They could have the same idea and would argue over who had it first.”

“That's why he's so upset about it, then. Can’t convince himself he hates her anymore, doesn’t wanna look like he’s head over heels for her.” She moved to a desk, pulling out a pen and paper, writing something down “So, my thought is, say you were to give her this anonymous letter. It’s a pretty intimate letter. Viktor somehow sees this letter. His reaction would be rather telling, wouldn’t you think?”

“I– something about that feels wrong, morally.”

Mel looked over for a moment, seemingly confident in her plan, “No, no, look, it’ll work. Tell me about her!” 

“Well..” Jayce began, “I think she's got like… her eyes are sorta orange, maybe? I mean. She talks, but not too much. Kinda just gets focused and gets quiet. I guess she's kinda flowery? Just generally smells like flowers? I don’t– I don’t really pay that much attention, I just get invested when the two of them start getting into it. They're all– let's do it this way– no let's do it that way– you're gonna die if you stay up all night every night– don’t tell me what to do– dont tell me what not to do– you don't sleep either– well at least i eat properly, you always say you're too busy to join me– well you just always eat at the wrong time….”

It was in that moment that Jayce had a realization. Maybe, just maybe, the two of you didn’t hate each other. Maybe it was just that both of you had very aggressive ways of caring for people? Now that he thinks of it, almost every argument he’d seen the two of you have were over each others health and safety. Arguments over sleep. Arguments over what to eat. Hell, the worst argument he ever saw was when you insisted you’d be fine wearing sunglasses for welding. Or maybe it was when Viktor decided to use a blow torch without gloves. 

You two don’t hate each other. You deeply care about each other, and it’s been that way for a while.

“Yeah… give me that letter.”

*

“I can’t believe someone would be so shallow. So idiotic.”

Viktor grumbles, pacing back and forth. His brows furrowed as he angrily read off the paper.

“Your– that's not even the right eye color– shines like a thousand suns.” he continues, rage seeping into his words, “Here, it compares (Y/N) to a perfect bed of roses. Wrong.” 

You let out a slight ‘ouch’. You knew you weren’t perfect, but he could have left that part out. Talk about hurtful. Though, you had to admit, it was quite entertaining watching him get this upset. You unsure who you’ve managed to swoon enough to send a middle school-esque love letter– you can’t really recall meeting or flirting with anyone. (Outside of Viktor, that is.)

“Her favorite flowers are periwinkles. It would be more accurate to compare her to those. At the very least, they would know that she wears a perfume that smells like honeysuckles. Why not those? She doesn’t even like roses. What kind of love letter is this?”

Jayce’s gone into a state of stunned silence. Sure, he knew Viktor to be a bit of a perfectionist when it came to all things science… but this was new. He looked like he was about to explode, just fuming with anger. Meanwhile, you’re leaned over your desk, tears streaming down your face from how hard you're laughing. Mel was definitely right about this.

“ ‘I admire your’... there’s no way someone would write this in good conscience, ‘Quiet and submissive personality’?! Quiet and submissive?! (Y/N). Quiet and submissive? Have they met her?! Quiet and submissive…”

“Oooh, look at me, I’m such a rose-y woman who’s so quiet and submissive~” you joked, shortly before falling back into a laughing fit.

Viktor slammed the letter back on your desk, physically showing his disapproval of this fictional anonymous admirer. If looks could kill, the anon would be long deceased. 

“You’ll be making a mistake if you pursue this romantic interest. He obviously doesn’t know a thing about you.” 

Viktor watched your face closely for any sign of confirmation or rejection. He was already rather upset by the idea of someone else being with you, but he knew it could get worse. If for some ungodly reason, you decided *this* was the person… oh, that would be the end of it. He would lose his mind. Surely you wouldn’t stoop to that level, letting someone who doesn’t even know the color of your eyes be in your life like that. You wouldn’t do that, right?

“What– why would I do that? What, you think I like people who just… do everything I say and worship me like I'm some sort of goddess? I mean, like, maybe sexually, but outside of that...”

“Good. You know, some people just don’t even get to know–”

You interrupted Viktor shortly into his rant, 

“… besides, I like you.”

The room went solid for a solid minute– though it surely felt like hours. You, anxiously awaiting a response from… well… anyone at this point. Viktor, Unsure if he truly heard you correctly. Jayce in pure disbelief that he’s witnessing this. Heimerdinger, passing by to drop off some papers, but immediately looking into the room and deciding this wasn’t the best time.

Viktor was the first to break the silence.

“...eh?”

“Oh… i'm sorry I- I thought you knew.”

“Wha–”

“That time I came over and made up a whole thing about how I'm gonna make you fall in love with me. That was me confessing. I was already in love with you. I'm sorry, I really should have made that more clear.”

[adhd-merlin]

5, 6, and 7. worst things they ever did

5. Worst thing you think Uther ever did.

I think the genocide.

6. Worst thing you think Arthur ever did.

Hard question! He's meant to be a character who's fundamentally good and well-meaning but still needs guidance to make the right choices (that's like, the whole destiny thing at its core, and Merlin's role) and because of this he often acts in ways that are extremely frustrating, and sometimes just plain wrong.

— On a personal level:

To Merlin – there are quite a few times in which the way Arthur acts towards Merlin crosses the line between banter and bullying. Two that stick in my mind are Arthur wiping a dirty rag across Merlin's face when he simply asked him not to walk over the floor he had just cleaned in ep 3x01, and Arthur throwing a metal object at Merlin's neck while his back was turned in ep 3x04. I know he throws things at Merlin often, but usually he can at least see it coming! Arthur's behaviour felt unnecessarily harsh. (I don't remember what Merlin said but I don't even think it was anything particularly offensive in this instance).

To Gwen – when he broke up with her because Agravaine convinced him she was an unsuitable match (ep 4x05). That was a horrible thing to do after everything Gwen had been through and after all the promises he had made her, and she's a better woman than me for bearing no resentment towards Arthur afterwards.

— As a King:

Probably summarily executing King Caerleon (Queen Annis's husband), still in ep 4x05.

It's no coincidence that two of Arthur’s lowest points are in this episode, given it's meant to show Agravaine's negative influence on him, and Arthur reckoning with his father's legacy and having to figure out what kind of king he is going to be. The title is very apt.

7. Worst thing you think Merlin ever did.

Eh. Morally, that he considered letting young Mordred die, I think. He had decided to let it happen, Mordred had to beg him for him to reconsider.

For the actual consequences on innocent people – freeing Kilgharrah. Not his fault, I know but... man.

↳ merlin ask meme 📬

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Ten (Part 2)

I smile and shake my head, because I’m sure that I won’t be. Jude shuffles on the bed to readjust himself, and when he settles, his leg is resting against mine. It’s warm, mine feels cold. I notice it and wait for him to move but he doesn’t, so I just let our skin touch, and I get a shiver from my toes to the top of my head.

“When you go to Berlin,” I start. “Will you know anybody else there?”

He shakes his head. “No, I’m going on my own, which I’m kind of excited about.”

“Scared though?”

“Yeah, a little bit I suppose. More excited.”

“I think I’d be scared to leave and be away from everybody I know.”

“Yeah, I get that, but I wasn’t really thinking that way when I applied for university there, it was honestly more about the experience I’d have and what I’d learn from doing my degree there.” He shrugs “Plus when I applied I didn’t actually think I’d be going on my own.” 

“No?”

“My girlfriend at the time and I applied together, actually, but she didn’t get in. It was brutal, we got our letters on the same day. Art schools work like that sometimes, they send their offers out earlier than other courses because your Leaving Cert points aren’t important. I got accepted and she didn’t, so it was a bad day.”

“So you decided to go alone anyway?”

“Yeah it felt like the best choice for me, I just didn’t see myself being in Ireland anymore, I don’t want to waste my early twenties in this horrible recession, and I don’t want to graduate into it with no job prospects. I just need to get away from it.”

“and your girlfriend?”

“We broke up. We called it quits before our exams. I didn’t want to put her through the long distance thing, like, honestly I didn’t want to put myself through it, because I knew I couldn't handle that. I really just… I don't want any attachments when I go, like, no responsibilities towards anybody else. Having a relationship while trying to navigate the changes that are ahead of me,” He shakes his head. “It would be too hard.”

“Wow. How long were you together?”

“Almost a year.”

That seems like forever to me. Nobody I know has been in a relationship for that long. “It must have been a hard decision.”

“It was, she’s a great person.”

“Well you can always get back together at some point in the future, you know, like maybe someday when you graduate…” I don’t continue because he’s already shaking his head no. 

“I don’t think so – It’s just over, I can’t really see us picking up where we left off, like, nothing to do with her or the relationship per se. It’s just that I feel like I can’t ever go backwards, once it’s done, it’s done for me. I just don’t really hang on to other people in that way.”

I think about how I do. I’m a clinger and I always have been, so his philosophy on life is totally foreign to me, just like the idea of jetting off to some unknown city all on my own without speaking the language or knowing how a single thing in its society operates. I think that he’s much braver than I am for doing it, but I’m a little sad that he’s going. Maybe in a parallel universe he and I would have attended the same art college and been friends who hung around in Dublin together after our respective classes, sitting outside coffee shops in the city and talking about art and sculpture and our silly assignments, but none of that will happen. In a few weeks he’ll be gone forever and I will likely never get to see him again. 

I look down at our legs and move mine away from his. Perhaps it’s not a good idea for us to be touching after all. 

“You look a little sleepy.” He says to me gently, and I am. I’m more than sleepy. It’s so late now that I must be awake for almost forty hours straight, running purely on the last shreds of adrenaline from being with him, but as soon as he mentions sleep my eyelids feel so heavy, and even the hard, flat wall that my back rests against feels cosy. I’m certain I could doze off in this exact position. I admit it, “I am.”

“Then sleep. I’ll leave.”

“Okay.”

He makes a tiny movement towards me and then hesitates and begins to get up. “Okay Evie, I’ll see you again soon.” 

I reach out my weary arms for a hug goodbye and when he leans in to embrace me my face grazes his neck, and he’s warm and his arms are strong and I wonder what the consequences would be if I let myself fall asleep on him right there and then. Maybe he’d be forced to stay here with me all night.

“I’ll text you when I’m free to hang out again.” He says, letting me go.

“Mm”

I lay down to sleep on the bed. The blankets are so warm from where he was sitting. 

Before my eyes drift closed and I surrender to my exhaustion I glimpse him climbing nimbly out the window and hopping down onto the grass outside, disappearing into the darkness and leaving the gauzy curtains fluttering behind him. It’s like he was never even here. 

Prev // Next

[a-wondering-thought]

If i was in a story what character would i be? Its a question i ask myself a lot and im not sure which i would be

Hero? No definitely not i hate having people depend on me bc im not good enough and will mess up and everyone better then me, etc

Okay what about love interest? Maybe but probably not bc who is gonna like me? and you could do sm better anyway so they will move on pretty quick besides im never gonna be anyones first choice

Would i be the Villain? Hmm maybe? Its the most likely out of the three i have already said and i have the aesthetic for it but i dont know if i would have the motivaion for actually doing anything? And i would feel so much guilt hurting people that i would quit it pretty quickly(although i do wonder if that would actully depend on what person it is?) And people already hate me for nothing or things i cant control so i dont wanna give them an actual reason to hate me wait actually i could be a good villain damnnn i have the backstory and everything

Parental figure?(not like bio parent or anything) Fuck no! im horrible with kids and i would be an awful role model (im neverrr having kids)

Best friend? Idk its possible but like i would not be the pick of best friend and even if i were i wouldnt be a very good one but like it could be my character ig

Villains sidekick? Yeah maybe? Like i can see myself as that but also i think the villain would just end up realising im unless and ditching me lol

The other love interest? No, i might wallow in self pity but im not gonna try and get with someone if i knew someone else also liked them bc i know that i wouldnt be chosen so whats the point in trying?

Backround friend who isnt noticed a lot and isnt important? Yes perfect! thats who i am, the friend people dont really need, the third weel or yk maybe im not even considered a friend maybe im just a side character

Rival? Nah i wouldnt be bothered enough to actually be rivals with someone it'd be too much work besides whats the point?

So yes i think in a story im a side character and i dont mind that too much but sometimes i wish i was the best friend or the villain

[whumpshaped]

My new years resolution this year is to actually start writing my own stuff instead of just tossing prompts at you to see what you do with em.

With that in mind, do you think you could give me feedback on this trope? You're free to write something based off it as well, of course, and I'll definitely eat that shit up, but maybe just looking for feedback with get the gears going to produce something.

Thinking about characters A + B. They grow up together, the closest of friends. They do great things together, they create a legacy. But as time goes on, fame and fortune does something odd to character A. They become twisted, something quite unlike how they once were, some horrible thing eating them, mind and body and soul. This virus that eats at them begins to then eat at the ever present character B as well, who is faced with the awful decision of still supporting their friend and continuing this legacy, or separating themselves away even if the emotional attachment they have is more like an artery, and cutting it may feel fatal to them.

~𐂂

(Happy New Year, hope it's treating you well thus far! Sorry for always living in your inbox, lol)

BANGER new years resolution, 100% support!!!!! also please never apologise for living in my inbox. i have blankets and snacks here for a reason /j

it got long so putting it under a cut

ABOUT THE PROMPT...... AMAZING. first of all i always love life long friends being tested by fate. because theres so many things that can end/ruin a friendship! it can just be time, people changing, interests shifting and not aligning anymore, but it can be big arguments and big angst!!! and it's HORRID, it's like a breakup!

and because you were lifelong friends everyone is asking about it. B only ever appeared with A and vice versa, and now that they do their own stuff more and more often, everyone is staring and asking "wheres A?" and B just has to grit their teeth and be like "i dont know! im not their handler :)" and they try to make it sound like a joke but it comes out a little bitter.

people are looking at A and B's friendship and forming all these parasocial thoughts about them too. people think its the best friendship. most ideal. will last forever. they place both of them on a pedestal. they might not even realise how A is changing, or they might willfully ignore it because they also grew up with this friendship in a way, they grew up always seeing A and B together and they grew up seeing the two of them do great things.

and some people very much realise that A is changing. sometimes A is alone and does cruel things, and people wish B was there to stop them. why isnt B there? whats going on? but then sometimes B is there, and people see them turn a blind eye, people see B trying to intervene only half heartedly, and they dont understand. does B condone this? and B knows that A's change in behaviour reflects on them poorly, but what are they supposed to do? sever all ties with them? get into huge arguments in the middle of the street? theyre best friends. ..or they used to be. theyre best friends only in name anymore, only because B doesnt know what else to call their relationship, only because theyve never had to call it anything else for the past 30 years.

its uncharted territory, a life without A. its terrifying.

and if B does sever the ties, theyll have to learn to live without A. theyve never had to do that. they have to leave their legacy behind because its tied to A so closely, and now its tainted, and they cant bear to be recognised for it — but its not their choice. theyll forever be "A's best friend". a title once loving but now uttered with disgust because of A's actions. some people even detest them for severing ties, they think B shouldve stayed and helped A. how will A find their way back to being a good person now? without guidance? yet other people detest B for staying even as long as they had.

honestly, B probably changed a lot along with A while they stayed. they mightve tried to go along w it and act the same way, trying to repress the visceral disgust at their own actions. now theyre trying to make amends.

B has to start again. build their life from the ground up. leave the legacy behind. leave the memories behind. make new friends, create new memories, create a new legacy. will it corrupt their next best friend too? will it corrupt them this time? maybe a legacy is useless. maybe new friends are useless. maybe they should live as a recluse, with all the trust issues and social anxiety they now have.

and what about A? did they stop seeing B as a friend a while ago? are they just using B as a prop? are they just dragging B around everywhere because theyre getting increasingly suspicious that B might want to sever ties and leave?

or does it come entirely out of left field? because of course why would anyone want to leave them, theyre A, theyre awesome and perfect, theyre great. people would give an arm and a leg to be their friend.

does A resent B for displaying more morality? does A think its dumb? i imagine A constantly goes on these unhinged rants abt how heroes dont NEED morality, and theyre heroes now! theyre almost gods with that legacy theyre leaving behind.

when B tries to end the friendship quietly and sneak off, A latches on, sinks their claws in deeper. no one fucking leaves them. not on their watch. if it turns into a loud argument, A could get manipulative, blackmail B, say all the things thatd hurt them most because they have 30 years of data and information. or they might sever ties first before B has a chance, so they feel like the choice was theirs to make. but honestly they go through much the same experience. they snap at everyone who asks about B. theyre alone. theyre lonely. they get so much crueller.

eventually they cant refer back to the legacy anymore. no one cares. theyve changed too much. theyre barely the same person. its not their legacy anymore.

happy new year :)

[ultimateplaylistmaker]

Wait, what are the four ideölogies?

Thank you for asking!

I'll divide them by Hate/Love

Hate Despair and Love Despair are the two main factions of despair. The biggest face of Hate Despair is Tsumugi and Love Despair is Mikan.

Hate Despair is totally outwards, it's not about you in any real way, it's about making everyone ELSE feel BAD just because its profitable or its kinda entertaining. It lacks as much soul but it's much more likely to get to some really questionable weird places like a fucking killing game tv show, effective, but soulless. You don't get much out of it other then the satisfaction of a job well done. Brutally effective, but much harder to sell people on acting on, thus usually falling to a handful of people who take advantage of no one else feeling they can change the system. It's pure voyeur of others suffering without much care about why they're suffering just that they are, theres no actual personal investment in it and that makes it impossible to reason with it.

Love Despair is much more inward, its not so much about other people is its about getting the believer their own catharsis. Love Despair takes thoughts like "god, why is the line so long I wish everyone here would die" and then acts on them. It's complete selfishness and a disregard for anyone else as long as you get yours. Who cares if millions die, you got that compliment from Junko! So all is okay! It's all about you! and what you want! and what you want is everyone who has ever been mean to you to die horribly! Despair brings satisfaction, pleasure, and when the high wears off and you go "oh my god what have i done" you just go do it again to get your mind off it, creating a circle of almost addiction. It's more viral, but more easy to get talked out of. It's mob mentality after all, if the mob starts to slow, so will you.

Meanwhile with Hate Hope and Love Hope the faces are Juzo and Makoto, this is a much more visible then the Despair dichotomy.

Hate Hope is all about the greater good, its again very not personal, it's about doing what will logically do the most good with the least risk. It's killing those who stand in the way because its just more efficient, it's very much a turn on your neighbor kind of hope where you report things wrong or at risk to try and maintain peace and keep people happy, its a lot less real personal moral choice about whats right and more following rules and handling things quickly. Much less room for change or progression but in a dangerous place like the tragedy, brutal efficiency very much gets the job done and protects a lot of people more effectively. Its punching a teenager in the face because even if it sends them to the hospital, if you just let them keep going they might get killed. Sometimes you have to do the wrong or cruel thing to get the best results.

Love Hope is being unable to sit still in the face of any perceived wrong doing even if its for the "best" and is thus much more volatile then Hate Hope and easily used for good and bad but when used makes much bigger splashes and can make the most changes in peoples views of the world. It's becoming a war criminal just on the chance it might be able to reform the world's most dangerous people because goddammit theyre still PEOPLE. No matter how much easier it makes things! It's passion, and moving before you think because you can't just sit idly by. Rules don't matter, hell, sometimes what the majority wants doesn't matter, what matters is doing the right goddamn thing, even if it may be more dangerous or chaotic. Its a firm belief people arent chips you can bet and exchange for something even if that something is peace! they're people! Even if its riskier if it could maybe save one more person its worth it! It's got a lot of potential for things to go wrong, it's more of a gamble, but it will alter the world forever in a way Hate Hope fucking WISHES it could.

It's all very Mind vs Heart, Logic vs Passion, Order vs Chaos, neither one is inherently better or less dangerous then the other, and for best results you want to get both to work together to balance out more, but they're also very inherently at odds in ways that constantly cause conflict throughout the series.