#sorry for the rant but I’ve been thinking about this since my therapy appt

[crybaby-bkg]

it is so so so so soooo hard to unlearn that a problem not communicated directly to you shouldn’t affect your wellbeing and you can’t keep beating yourself up about something not being told to you!!!!!!!!????????? terrible thing to have to come to terms with. I hate it. (it’s helped so much of my anxiety when it comes to relationships with people.)

[barlee--mars]

Do you suffer from IBS? I do too, and I also have severe anxiety. I hope that you have moments where you feel ok or even happy ☺️

Thankyou for asking, yeah I havent been diagnosed yet but the frontrunner at this point is "anxiety-driven IBS" , hopefully my next appt will bring a diagnosis. I thought at first it was a new allergy like gluten or something, because I suddenly couldn't keep anything down. But the food being rejected was too varied, all different grains and proteins and vegetables. After keeping a food diary of everything I ate, there was no concrete pattern. It was just random. So they checked for crohn's and ulcers, nope. They think its IBS now but wont confirm the diagnosis. If the doctor had confirmed a diagnosis and filled out an FMLA form for my workplace, I would have kept my job. But because the doctor has been faffing about since October leaving me with no diagnosis, and FMLA form, I was fired for continued sick leave absences. Boo.

Yeah I've always struggled with mental health, I used to have severe social anxiety and now thankfully with over 15yrs of work my social anxiety is at a mild/medium level. I still get anxiety attacks but only 4 or 5 a year now as opposed to per month, before. The bigger problem is when I get "stuck". I get locked in my head over nothing and cant move or communicate. Usually this happens in the morning before work when I am still in bed, and my partner helps me take a pill for it. But sometimes unfortunately it happens when I am in my car, either before I leave the driveway or after I park at work (never when I'm driving). In that case I get "stuck" for hours in my car unable to move or text etc. It sucks. I've been told that is anxiety. And if I have "anxiety-driven IBS" that means there is no medication to take to treat and fix my condition. Only solution is years of therapy to address the anxiety at the root of the problem. Which is frustrating and demoralizing because I have already been working years to address my anxiety. Then add in unpredictable gastrointestinal distress into the situation, and it rises my anxiety, because I cannot go to work, and then my gut gets worse, and then the anxiety gets worse, on and on and on it's a neverending descent into poor health.

I'm sorry for the rambling rant, I'm sure you know at least some of what all that is like, and I'm sorry you have to experience IBS and anxiety too.

I do surprisingly have a lot of good moments. I think that's why the bad moments hit so much harder when they come, because before I had no good moments so I was desensitized to how bad it was all the time. But once you start experiencing good moments it's like.. the bad moments are a bigger punch in the gut now? Idk.

When I'm low I cant understand how I could ever be happy, and when I'm happy I cant understand how I could ever be low.

I know I'm in a good place now because the last few times I lost my job yearrrs back, I got instantly suicidal from the stress of being an unemployed failure. Now, I have a secure safe place to live with a committed partner who will help me financially and emotionally get through this. I've never had those 2 things before. I also have a much healthier relationship with my family now. And I have always for my entire life wanted a dog, but my mom or my roommates or my partners were always allergic so I could never have one. It's been a big dream of mine, like the level which some people dream of having children. And a month ago, we got out dream dog. She's exactly what I've wanted my whole life, and she's so beautiful and so so smart. I love her

And I have knitting, which keeps my hands busy when my mind stands still.

My partner wants me to not even look for a job until I make significant progress with my health. If there was ever a moment in my life when I have the potential to really fix myself, substantially, that moment is now. I am going to work really hard to get better.

Thank you again for asking, I guess I really needed to vent. I hope you have good happy moments too. I dont know you, but I know that you deserve happiness and serenity

[angel78]

another failed attempt at seeing a new therapist

its literally pointless to try anymore. its honestly not even about “getting better” anymore its about the fact that i just want to be figured the fuck out already. i want to get it all out i want to understand i want to know what happened to me and what the hell is wrong with me... but i guess i’ve always done that myself anywhere. 

i have learned everything i have come to understand about myself in writing and art, mainly my own because that is where i am sorting myself out, but of course with others’ work as well. 

i was never allowed to see a therapist growing up, my parents didnt believe in mental illness and thought i was just crazy or dramatic or whatever else ive said it here before plenty of times. once i left renfrew i tried one or two but one i couldnt afford and the other made me uncomfortable. i had one therapist in wvu that didn’t help or understand at all and just made me feel like i was psycho and straight up would ask me if i paid before i sat down ???? when i finally came back to jersey, i tried to see another therapist in february and she turned me down entirely and said she could not help me or see me because i needed higher care and she couldnt be responsible for that. then finally i began seeing a therapist at my school who saw me for a few months who i thought i might finally be able to get something out of, maybe, but she told me she had to stop seeing me because i was too sick too and needed a higher care and i told her i refused to go to anything inpatient so she straight up said she cant help me anymore but we could have an appointment to find a good program for me and i never went because fuck you for that. right when things started peaking again she just didn’t want to help me anymore. i understand the “ethics” behind seeing someone who you deem “too unwell” to only be attending an hour long therapy session once a week but for gods sake she knew all of the reasons i couldnt do that and some of them were kind of bullshit in her opinion like me refusing to put school on hold again but some of them were fucking valid like money and not having a car at the time to even do an outpatient if i tried and my parents and just everything. 

then finally a few weeks ago i started seeing a new therapist, literally like the day after finding out my boyfriend has fucking cancer, and i saw her three times, spent the first two times having an insurance/money battle in the beginning, and the second time waited for her for 7 minutes after my appt was supposed to start and she still cut me off right after the allotted time was up technically not giving me the appropriate 45 full minutes ???? but not only that she called me by the wrong name ???? only says elementary shit like “so how are depression and anxiety” and just nods and doesnt offer any feedback when i talk. she didnt try at all to get to know my circumstances like i always had to fish for things to talk about because she couldnt even start asking me questions of her own since the first session which like how is that supposed to help me i came here because I NEED HELP and then even though the insurance sent me a document with this therapists specializations and eating disorders WERE LISTED AS ONE OF THEM she says that she doesnt know much about eating disorders and isnt trained in them so she doesnt know how to really help and she then went on to tell me she thinks i just need a higher care and that we could have our last session (the following week from last thursday which would have been tomorrow) so we can find a program together that i should start ???? yeah nice way to say see you never and take another $50 from me when you cant even rememebr my FUCKING NAME WHEN ITS SITTING ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU LITERALLY LISTED EATING DISORDERS IN YOUR SPECIALIZATIONS WHEN YOU APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM ACCORDING TO YOU sorry im livid but anyway now im back to no therapist and that makes a consecutive three suggesting i needed a higher care but i guess at least this one was just a complete idiot and didnt say she refused to help me anymore 

so i just wanted to post a rant update about that and i guess from here i will just continue

i started class and my last week of training for my new serving job yesterday, i had class at 8:00 after not sleeping all night and have three more classes and then training again, i look cute today but no one lked my selfies on twitter so that was very nice also, im speeding frivolously, and ,,,,

my mom and i got into two big dumb fights over the last week over something so stupid but as always she had to go on and curse me off and tell me she doesnt want me in “her house” which is really funny because how can you call it your house when you 1) dont even have a job therefore do not pay bills 2) my dad, as much as he hurts me, just had to get a second job again to support my family when my mom doesnt even have one and doesnt even love my dad anymore but she’ll reap the benefits of having a man willing to do that for her 3) she literally left us like two months ago to live with her friend then decides to come back because “it was hard driving back and forth and i couldnt see the kids everyday” which honestly, to me, translates to it was too hard coming here every day just to bake cakes 4) she told me whenever she does get money (somehow???) she has full intentions of moving out and getting her own place so even if she did have money i guess making this number 5) she would be PUTTING IT TO GETTING HER OWN PLACE AND NOT THE HOUSE ANYWAY SO I REST MY CASE DOESNT LOOK LKE YOUR HOUSE TO ME BITCH and i left sunday night and went to be with vincent and i get to sleep with him all week and then yesterday my mom tried to send me a meme so i would respond and laugh and we could pretend nothing happened but im tired of doing that im tired of acting like just because im their child i dont deserve an apology like fuck if i dont even deserve help on my medical bills ???? i think i at the very least deserve an apology every now and again ???? especially since they are a signficant part of the reason I AM THIS WAY and then yesterday my dad texted me asking where ive been and i told him what happened and actually tried to have a mature conversation and tell him how i felt like an adult and why i dont think my mom acted fairly and he literally left me on read so thats how my family life is going

otherwise eating is impossible unless its in capsule form and and im overly paranoid and i cant drive without imagining a parallel universe every car that comes into my vicinity somehow crashes into me and not even in the suicidal way literally in the twitching at the sight of an approaching vehicle and shaking my head and closing my eyes while driving because all i can see are these traumatizing visions of things that have never happened to me and im really depressed and i have no friends 

and i really sound like a whiney bitch right now but i havent posted much about whats going on in my life lately and clearly !!!! i dont have a therapist to tell !!!!

i keep wanting to write and have fragments of words but it doesnt feel right yet and i know that

i have no money and my phone and car bills are due next week and i wont be making any money until next week MAYBE

literally the only good thing right now is that vincent is doing pretty well, its really hard to see him this way a lot of the time but its getting easier because im getting used to seeing him bald or how little he eats or helping him when he’s sick, as far as we know the chemo seems to be doing what its supposed to do, he is doing well, i hope it stays that way because he’s literally everything to me and the only thing that makes me want to be on this earth