#sorry ive seen this post like 6 times at least

[twinkubus]

i keep seeing this post and no offense to any of my mutuals who have reblogged this but like...what? i'm not full on anti-civ by any means but subsistence farming is one of the MORE achievable leftist commune goals...there's people all over the world who are doing it as we speak. and even if you don't go 100% self-grown you don't need a huge plot to meaningfully supplement your diet!

(the fast food part gets me too like. maybe it's bc i didn't really eat fast food until i was in my twenties? due to allergies. but i wouldn't consider it a staple.)

[damnfandomproblems]

Posting a compilation of responses to Fandom Problem #5234

Anon:

PLEASE watch the Contrapoints video on Twilight. It is by a trans person named Natalie Wynn.

(anon includes a link to a YouTube video titled "Twilight | ContraPoints")

This video has changed the minds of tons of people who initially thought Twilight was "rape and stalking abuse", by explaining the history of where all this panic comes from and why people are drawn to dark fantasies. It changed my mind and I'm hoping it'll change your mind too.

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Anon:

going through every point bc this personally ticked me off for literally no reason but i have nothing better to do. so. sorry if this seems overly pissy /genuine. (also typed this in my notes app so sorry for the lack of italics/caps in place of italitcs) 1. not wanting to see incest/whatever isnt purity culture. blocking tags/accounts that make you uncomfortable is something that is HEAVILY ENCOURAGED. the only people i have ever seen discouraging this are antishippers. what IS purity culture, however, is saying that EVERYONE ELSE should not make something because it makes you personally uncomfortable. as someone who was literally raised within purity culture, that is exactly the kind of shit they say. 2. fiction DOES affect reality! but not in the way you think it does. yes, propaganda works! but that is because it is specifically constructed to convince people of a certain view. representation is important because people who arent cishet white men exist and deserve to see themselves in fiction. but i think the best way i can explain it is this; if you were to watch Hannibal, would you automatically assume that cannibalism is okay? what if you watched a John Wick movie or Deadpool? Is mass murder okay? the answer is obviously an astounding no, because you are able to think about the media you consume. this is expected of any media that isnt literally a show aimed at children. There's at least one media btw. i'm not entirely sure about Hannibal because i've never seen it. 3. that is literally a coping mechanism therapists recommend. those are all UNHEALTHY and SELFDESTRUCTIVE coping mechanisms. you cannot compare the two. 4. if you are getting mad about porn then that is an entirely Puritan viewpoint. 6. "make the story frown upon it." if you cannot gauge for yourself that these things are bad then you should not be engaging with those stories. 7. last point isnt a proship issue, its a jerkwad issue. people who dont tag things are dicks, at least we can agree on that. however if someone doesnt tag something it is on you to block them. YOU need to curate YOUR online experience. (it may also be worth it to KINDLY send an ask about it. its the same as tagging flashing. sometimes people just dont think about it and sometimes people are doing it on purpose to be a douche. you need to block the latter as they are not worth your time or energy.) Last point was something you did not mention so im not including it in the list itself; if you were to ask a proshipper if they supported pedophilic/incestual/abuse relationships irl, they would most likely say no. If they say yes then they are just a pedo/someone who is okay with incest/an abuser. those people are not bad people because of the fiction they consume/create. they are bad people because they want to hurt people and do not see anything wrong with it/are not willing to see why they are in the wrong. apologies for any typos, ive reread through it but i tend to miss things.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Anon:

Op really just compared writing fictional scenarios with fictional dollies, a method of processing trauma that is recommended by psychologists and actually -is- effective at helping people process stuff, to alcoholism, street drugs, and socon which can and do kill people. You ever seen someone withdraw from alcohol abuse? I have. You actually spoken to a psychologist about friends who write things to cope after being raped at a party? I have. Are you still a clueless child? Yes. So take your moral panic and shove it. You're a kid but if you want to get involved in serious adult conversations, you need to be prepared to accept discussing serious, real things. You can't even look at a rapefic without getting triggered (I use this word in the proper sense, not hyperbolic sense) and ascribing blown-out-of-proportion, emotional judgments on people who, if you passed them on the street, wouldn't stand out to you at all. Because these are normal people. This to me is a huge sign you're just not ready for this kind of conversation.

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Anon:

"...really ticks me off how someone can say "It's really fucking gross how you wanna see a minor and an adult make out" and proshippers can be like "UGH PURITY CULTURE" Like, how is not wanting to see pedophilia and incest purity culture. Especially when you're a minor. dumbass I was a minor when I wanted to se OCs modeled after myself hooking up with the hot adult leads from my shows. I wasn't stupid enough to think it was OK to happen in real life but if Dream of the Endless was in an arranged marriage with my OC for reasons I wanted to see it. Like. "Minors" have sex. A lot. And yeah, age gaps can be problematic in real life but on paper? Who cares? It's fake. It's not real. It's a story. Acting like minors are sexless little angels until the day they turn 18 is crazy. Minors want to see boning and they want to see people their own age boning, and sometimes they want to see people their own age boning That Old Man or Milfs or 1000 year old vampires or whatever. Not even gonna bother with the rest. Others can get that.

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Anon:

Where to even start here? I guess I should start by saying that proshipper doesn't mean what you think that it means OP! It doesn't mean that we support incest or pedophilia, it simply means that we're anti harassment. I don't like incest or pedophilia. It's weird to me, and yet one of the most popular series, Game of Thrones, features both incest and pedophilia. Romanticizing villainy? Can I ask what your definition of romanticizing is? What if the story revolves around the villain? Like Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes? Are stories like that not supposed to exist? What about the anime and manga called Overlord? What About Hannibal Lecter? What about the Joker movie? Do none of these have any value? Do you expect the villain to deadpan into the camera every 10 minutes confessing that he knows his actions are wrong but he's doing it anyways? And if the writers don't make their characters do this, are you going to accuse them of condoning their characters actions? Because I think it would be pretty dumb to make a villain out of character for the sake of, "I know this is wrong, but I'm doing it anyways!" Do you want no villains in stories? Is that what you prefer? For everything to be sunshine and rainbows all of the time? Because that would be really boring. Are there any true heroes without a villain. A bad coping mechanism? Really? So now you're a psychologist who knows everyone on the planet that knows exactly what everyone needs to get better? Coping mechanism looks different from person to person. What is important is that the coping mechanism helps you process your emotions and what happened to you and sometimes it is helpful to write your emotions out in the form of writing and sometimes that can be fanfiction. I am someone who had been diagnosed with trauma and depression and I'm currently doing therapy for this and taking medicine. You know what's helped me all of these years before I started going to therapy on a regular basis? Characters with a lot of baggage like me. They can be hero or villains. I don't care which it is. If they have a tragic back story and I'm all over that. Fiction doesn't effect reality? It can and sometimes does. You're right. But you know who's problem that is? Your parents, the school system, and whoever else never taught you that fiction is fiction. That characters aren't real. If your parents let the TV or Internet babysit you growing up instead of being a parent and teaching you right from wrong, or being able to tell fiction from reality, well then that is the fault of your parents. Do you know who's not at fault? Stranger on the Internet. We're not here to hold your hand, you are not entitled to that. It is up to you to curate your own experience and mind your own business. If you don't like something, blacklist the tag, block the person posting it or log off of that site and find something else to look at. You think you've debunked everything, but really you're just naive and living in a fantasy world. The world is not an idealistic place, nor will it ever be and that is why these stories exists to begin with. Covering up everything that is bad in the world won't ever make it go away and that is reality. Period. Let people cope the way they need to, and unless you have degrees in psychology, you have no right to tell people what they can and cannot enjoy. Again, I myself would never write or read about some of the things that you've posted about OP, but will I continue writing about my trauma? I sure will, because it is something that I am still dealing with many years after it happened and I'm sure others will do the same with the things that they've had experience with, too.

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Anon:

OP, one of your top posts is an AO3 reference and contains a link to an AO3 fic. In case you didn't know, AO3 was directly created to be a host for fanworks that got censored by other sites. Functionally, it is an archive, like a library. And like libraries, it hosts anything that is legal to host under US law. One major driving factor behind AO3's creation was the "Livejournal Strikethrough Boldthrough", an incident where "concerned parties" successfully lobbied to get Livejournal, a site that hosted writing, to remove its "yucky fics". Guess what? Gay fiction got removed in the process because, surprise, certain parties found that yucky too. (I'm talking about conservative groups who are obviously very anti-gay and anti-LGBT.) Here's one post about it: https://pretentioussongtitle.tumblr.com/post/624690560646676480/like-wathever-antis-delete-your-blogs-pls-thx So... You can't say you're okay with calling to censor things, without looking at the full picture and where it ultimately leads. You're asking for a lot of collateral damage. And like someone else said, engaging in discussions about heavy, adult topics with strange adults on the internet (and most of us are adults, OP) is very dangerous. There have been a lot of cases where someone has cried foul about certain kinds of fictional writing, only for an "anti proship" person to walk up to them and groom them, and it worked because the kid was under the pretense that the person was a "safe, good person". Please do not put yourself in danger and get out of the spaces you frequent.

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Anon:

It's interesting you use Lolita as an example of what to do "right" when it comes to depicting things. You believe tons of media must be censored or kept away from the light of day, yet Lolita is an example of what to emulate to prevent that from happening? You would be very shocked to discover Lolita is among, if not the, most notorious piece of fiction for censorship groups to attack. So I really don't know if you fully understand what it is you're arguing for, here. You're just a kid, so I'm assuming you haven't actually read Lolita. That's the first thing. The second thing is, given the fact virtually all people who are invested in censoring and banning media actually hate Lolita, but you seem to have a totally opposite, 180-degree opinion about it, I have to wonder if you've happened to find a lot of random stuff from around the internet, but have yet to actually put it all together and cross-check everything to see if it actually makes sense. There's a lot of stuff in your post that is either plain out wrong, poorly strung together, or contradictory.

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Anon:

I'm going to look real tinfoil-hatty in two seconds, but I swear some of y'all antis in the notes are following tags like "pedophilia" and "incest" and that's the only reason you found this confession. Cause I haven't seen half of you here before. And if so, that's kind of weird. I hope I'm wrong. To be fair there's no way to confirm either way but I just thought it was funny because I can see it happening if not for the antis here, than for others. Gotta get that daily dose of outrage.

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Anon:

""Fiction doesn't affect reality" So why is representation so important? Why has propaganda worked so well?" you're taking this statement too literally. fiction obviously affects reality. if you cry over your favourite character's death, well there ya go. fiction has just changed reality. it made you feel sad things. representation is important because it makes those represented feel acknowleged and because it makes their existence more known to the world. propaganda is designed SPECIFICALLY to heavily affect reality. a doujin artist does not sit down and think "hmm. today i will draw a loli hentai to turn people into paedophiles". ""Well I'm not gonna become a murderer just because I've seen people murder in pieces of media" Name one piece of media where murder was portrayed as unironically, fully okay." as someone not well-versed in shooters, fortnite. murder is encouraged in fortnite. the point of the game is to kill people. i'd also like you to name one piece of media where rape is portrayed as perfectly fine and dandy. ""I'm coping with trauma" Well that's an awful coping mechanism. If you have been traumatized by incest, abuse, or pedophilia, why are you creating/consuming content where those are all romanticized?" because the fact that they're not alone in their suffering is comforting to them? as an abuse victim, i like characters with abusive parents. it gives me a character to sympathise with and characters to absolutely loathe with all my being. now that i think about it, i like that i'm not suffering alone. other people acknowledge the things i, and other victims, have to deal with. there are other reasons, but that's one i thought up ""You're ableist for criticizing our coping mechanism!" ... You know what else is a coping mechanism? Self-harm. Alcoholism. Excessive drug use. Those are frowned upon EVERYWHERE, because they're self-destructive. So why is thinking adults and minors should be cute together (sometimes real life adults and minors, but I'm not gonna get into the whole RPF discourse because RPF is even more fucking disgusting) suddenly okay?" there is a difference between doing things that being actual harm and because the latter is harmless. besides... isn't this circular logic? this argument is based on the conclusion you draw from it. "proshipping as a coping mechanism is bad because proshipping is bad". ""Rule 34 and gross ships is always gonna exist!" In our current world, bigotry is always gonna exist. Doesn't mean we should stop getting mad about it." bigotry excludes a specific group of often-innocent people for no reason. rule 34 is just porn of fictional characters. completely incomparable ""I'm exploring unhealthy relationships in fiction!" Okay then! That's great! Don't romanticize it. Tag it accordingly. Make the story frown upon it. Lolita, the book, frowned upon the pedophilia and thought it was disgusting. Do that." nobody romanticises anything. most loli hentai just... depict a loli having sex. it doesn't depict it as this amazing thing that you should dp. most lolicons that talk nabout wanting to fuck... idk, klee from the funny gacha game don't actually wanna have sex with kids. it's omly romanticised in-universeww, if you will. it doesn't say anything about it being good to do irl. and on nhentai, we use tags. we have a lot of 'em, including the recent 'kodomo doushi'. you jujst have to take a look at the tags section of a doujin and search for any tag you may not want you can also filter them in the search bar. we tag our shit, it's just your fault for being an irresponsible fuck. "But you're not gonna do that, are you." we will. the importance of tagging can NOT be stressed enough anon, i am gonna be blunt here. you are not smart. you did not debunk shit. god will slam the pearly gates of heaven on you for this post

[irldiancie]

All Kagehina “proof” I know of

Ok i wasnt gonna post this but ive been told by a friend to explain why some might ship Kagehina so... try me. i dont exactly ship this myself but lets just say im a pro when it comes to this topic also it's not as bad as i thought it was there are worse ships idk why i was a hater also i lowkey got some of this from shipping wiki but most of it i knew already, plus NOT ALL OF THIS IS NECESSARILY REFERENCES TO THE SHIP it kinda just adds on to it anyways lets just get into it

ok so starting with common knowledge i think everyone knows that Hinata is the protagonist followed with Kageyama being the deuteragonist, they get the most screen time together and are pretty much paired MOST of the series, we get a lot of content with them together while also getting content of them on their own, they're known as the "freak duo," the "greatest teammates" and like 100 other names they've been called I've seen a lot of people intemperate their relationship wrong, I've seen a few say Kageyama was downright "abusive" to Hinata which I think is a little farfetched, but to each their own! They genuinely do care for each other and it shows, even at the end of the manga you can tell how far their relationship has come, even if they consider themselves rivals, they are without a doubt still friends Now a lot of people have said "well they're not gay they're just friends", while this is true, it has been referenced/implied officially in many places, including manga panels and english dubs, so while it isn't canon there is a few cute things about it which we know are official which is why I'm sharing this, I myself know it isn't canon, plus I didn't really make this to prove anything it was kinda for fun sorry if that made little to no sense but I'll start getting into more interesting stuff 1. at the tip of the iceberg we have the fact they're in so much official art together

theres like a 1000 more of these btw theyre often put near eachother even in official arts not based off them

I have like 1k more of these but i have more proof than this but i think you get my point some of this is probably promo art but that's also considered official art so 2. moving on i think another known one is that Ukai calls them lovebirds ONE TIME in English dub and I have no idea who approved that but I think it's funny and obviously this probably meant nothing but take it as you want video of it here 3. this is kinda randomly thrown in but the fact that they also trust eachother, they've mentioned it a couple times but I think it's nice to know 4. i dont remember when this was or what chapter or something but kageyamas grandfather said "somebody even better will come for you", which just happened to be Hinata of course 5. ALSO after that whole fight scene back in season two, Hinata says this

he didnt really consider kageyama as a friend, but he considered him a partner which i believe is more important to hinata. teammates/partners were always something Hinata wanted, as before he went to Karasuno, he didn't feel like his friends in Junior high were necessarily teammates. Meaning he valued Kageyama more because he was his partner.

(credits to triananero for these images) and when him and Kageyama started working together, they most definitely were perfect together, as they balanced each-other out, which made them become an unstoppable duo or whatever they called them 6. the fact that they have matching jersey numbers 9 and 10 moving on to less canon stuff, there is a light novel of Haikyuu called Haikyū!! Shōsetsuban!! which probably isnt close to canon but Furudate was a part of it even though it wasn't written by him, so it's at least somewhat official 7. anyway according to shipping wiki there is a chapter where Kageyama feels "fluttery feelings at the bottom of his stomach" when Hinata texts him, it's on volume 8 chapter 1, I REALLY WANTED TO SHOW YOU GUYS BUT I COULDNT FIND IT ANYWHERE ONLINE. i searched countless tumblr posts and websites but i could only find chapter five and chapter three so im fully convinced this is lost media LMAOOOO 8. also in Haikyū!! Shōsetsuban!! apparently there's a part where Hinata daydreams about him and Kageyama eating under cherry blossom trees i just found that cute AS MUCH AS I WANNA SHOW YOU GUYS I LITERALLY CANNOT FIND ANYTHING OF THIS LIGHT NOVEL ANYWHERE i just know it's real, if I ever get my hands on it which I doubt, I'll share proof it exists btw AND THIS IS REALLY RANDOM AND SOMEONE WANTED ME TO INCLUDE THIS BUT 9. Basically there was a ad for deodorant a couple years back, collabing with Haikyuu, where you could buy deodorants to “smell like them” or whatever, some shippers believe it’s a Kagehina reference as they also advertised Kageyama and Hinatas scents together as some like matching couple thing

and then there's this

And I think I've said enough, there's way more you can find out about this ship, but I hope with this post you've learned something new or whatever... I MIGHT MAKE THIS A SERIES should i do kenhina next or kuroken ANYWAYS DISCLAIMER I didnt look too much into most of these things but I can gaurentee this stuff is true also this was just for fun and not serious but i hope you liked my little post!

[fishyizm]

getting nuis and nesos from japan

from a guy that looks at listings as a hobby and owns a few nuis

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this post is mostly about project sekai since i see alot about how people don't really know much about merch from japan and looking at this stuff is kinda my hobby lol

getting stuff from japan is pretty good since its wayy cheaper, especially right now since yen to usd is really low rn (unsure about other countries currency sorry) usually prsk stuff is scalped to the point where its better to get it from japan even with the proxy fee lmao (the price for wanting merch for something popular)

getting merch from japan is actually really easy through proxy services, which will order things for you in japan and then ship them to you in the country you reside. i use mercari (a secondhand market) through buyee but there are other proxy services too, you should probably do some digging to find out which ones best for shipping to your country and area. i like buyee but it only takes foreign paypals so that can be a downside

if you want to find merch for a specific character i reccomend looking up how the chracters name is spelled in kanji/however its spelled in game (the spellings are usually on the wiki in the character info panel, you can also get them in game but its easier to copy paste) you can look it up in english but you might get prices aimed at american audiences and machine translation is famously terrible with names. if youre looking for merch from a less popular thing then you can look up the thing's name but thingsll usually be listed under character names

once you have the name you can put ぬい (nui, plush) or ねそべり(nesoberi, those laying down ones.) there are probably other kinds but these are the ones i look into lol

if you want fast results you can go to the recommended tab in the top right but if you have the time i reccomend sorting by lowest price and digging through untill you find what you want, whichll probably give you the best price

for project sekai specifically if you want cheap plushes be a fan of leoni, momojan, or anhane lol popular character merch is anywhere from 1.5x to 3x more expensive than unpopular characters. even so itll be less expensive than english ebay lol. under the cut i have the usual pricing ive seen for prsk plushes but it all depends since mercari is basically japanese ebay, so this is only for old merch and crane game prizes. if you want more recent merch im sure theres people who buy lots and resell, i dont have any reccomendations for project sekai but i know @/enstarsgoods on twitter does this for enstars

(rant i did on this post's tags about nui pricing) [the chibi eye nuis r anywhere from 600¥ ($4) to 2000¥ ($14) depending on if its a guy/niigo or not (lmao) and nesos get up to 7000¥ ($45) (for guys) (i saw some of the girl ones listed around 4000¥ [$26]) and nesos arent listed (as) often. idk anything about the dot eye nuis and nuigarumis since i dont like how they look (lol)

keep in mind that these r resales so theyre a bit more expensive than if u just ordered one when they were in stock like nesos r originally only ¥2750 ($18) but r scalped to hell especially on english ebay]

on top of the price for the goods youll buy you also have to pay japan shipping (usually this is included but sometimes it isnt, it is on every listing if this is the case or not as well as the price) as well as a conversion fee per item which isnt much (i got away with 900¥ ($6) in total for 5 items) and shipping from japan to your country (for me it was ¥2300 [15] but i live in a very easy place to ship to so it may cost more for you) this is about the same as ebay shipping cost wise (for me at least)

--

i dont really know what people do with their project sekai nuis (except blend?? burn?? milk copypasta irl..) but with enstars people usually put cute clips in their hair and blush them which is super cute. people also make nui costumes that you can buy. you can search ぬい服 (nui clothes) and usually put the type of nui you have's origin/size (since they can be different demensions) people don't make them for project sekai nuis but im sure there are outfits available in that size/patterns around somewhere

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

[mutedeclipse]

I'm actually hesitating between Fusell and Buggler... eh fuggit I'll let you choose ;A;

I honestly cant do buggler i have nothing nice to say about the R interpretation, which if you are who i am assuming would probably suck to hear... But i DO really like Fussell

Favorite thing: the fact that he balances out the sbr2 cast making it more camp than grating when hes onscreen, close second is definitely how he was characterized least favorite thing: the fact they made him distinctly ex human or at least incredibly human like in design, shoulda been more fuckt up tbh. would really sell the agony... either that or at LEAST keep him obscured ontill the helmet broke for symbolism favorite quote: man i just like the way he talks, unfortunately i do not have his dialogue on hand like basically every other character im mentally ill about. if incorrect non canon quotes are allowed here i think "i want to die so bad white boy" from one of my previous sketch pages brotp: white bomber and fussell. no further comment otp: i have no idea man. title up for grabs notp: im sorry but respectfully i think he and buggler would not be able to stand eachother, i think buggler would make him want to die more actually. this is the only real pairing ive seen so like i guess i could be swayed but this pairing isnt for me ykno random headcanon: i think that his research notes are actually published, being quite famous in the times before the incident, the only problem being is that due to the destruction of his previous home and wiping of the society he belonged to the research and notes have fallen into obscurity. this being said i think phantom bomber, if he met fussel and was informed that hes THE guy he would lose his mind

unpopular opinion: he was better than yet another evil team- i said it- the cast already being as big as it is with the dastardlies and the siblings they wouldve made 5 or 6 half baked characters under the time crunch they had that i think it genuinely wouldve made sbr2 worse. favorite image:

i got it from the trailer when it first came out lol. this shot fucks sorry for taking so long i got really badly sick before i got around to making this post

[airbrushfather]

@paz-45 asked so here are my 5 ee tattoos lmao (warning for me just rambling absolute shit under the cut)

my first ever tattoo - jon's handwriting and a wild wave because i love violent sun so much. looking back the handwriting tattoo isn't something i'd do today but it's what got me started on getting tats at all and i had a very positive experience (both w getting it and w asking jon for the writing lmao)

the teeth are not related, for the record. writing is about 6 months healed in this pic and almost 18 months healed now. also i know no one asked but since i love talking about tattoos - this is on the outside of my forearm and the pain was about a 3/10. super easy placement if you want somewhere to put a first tattoo that won't kill you off immediately.

classic lil gth hand. i always forget i have this because it's on the back of my arm (hence the bad photo too, say hello to my ear) but i do rlly love it, my artist did a very good job. it's about 5 months healed in this pic and just under 18 months healed now. this is on the back of my upper arm, the pain was probably a 4/10. a little spicy towards the inside but nowhere near the worst, certainly less painful than the inside of the bicep for instance. i also never find colour that bad (lines are worse imo) but i know some people do, so i guess if you came to this post looking for genuine tattoo advice, take that into consideration

these eyes are, technically, ee related - and please excuse this horrible photo, they're really hard to get a pic of! but me and my artist designed them together based on put me together's bridge - 'is it the darkest night/or is that dawn in your eyes?' it's a very important song to me and i love these tattoos, especially the dawn one with all the little details. it actually looks a little better now it's healed, it's settled into itself a lot more. they're super fresh in this pic (less than a month each, i got them within about a week of each other) and about a year healed now

pain wise this is a rough placement. the bottom one especially was one of my most painful tattoos - probably an 8/10. it proved i could never tattoo my actual knee because i genuinely had a terrible time of it. though weirdly the top one was really easy, probably a 6/10

i find this one incredibly hard to photograph bc of the way it wraps but my favourite line from final form (i stole the idea from someone in atb but it's one of my favourite sentiments, as in, this is my first body so i will make mistakes, and it is my last body so i will look after it). i broke one of my only tattoo rules for this too, which was No Words. i doubt i'll get any more words after this bc i don't think they'd really fit very well w the rest of mine, but i thought this was a really nice way to cuff my patchwork arm.

it's about 6 months healed in this video (from today). pain was probably another 8/10, wrist is a very spicy placement but not the worst one by any stretch. the outside (first body) was easier than the inside (last body) and it was definitely tolerable, tbh it was almost more annoying to heal than it was to get

i do have plans for more ee related tattoos (i want to get one from each album, so i have arc and rdf left to conquer) but atm i can't get anything because i have serious trust issies w new tattooists (and i love my artists who i know already) and my shop is currently 200 miles away. i'll probably get one in summertime if i have the money. i really like that for the most part they're not super obvious what they are, even the hand isn't bam in your face this is album artwork unless you're in the know. no hate to those kind of tattoos (ive seen some sick tattoos of the whole gth cover or at least the entire guy) it's just not my kind of thing, i like to be mysterious.

sorry for talking so much, but getting tattoos is my only personality trait. i could and would literally speak about it all day. consider this your formal piece of danny's tattoo advice. none of these are my most painful placements and none were my most painful tattoos, but everybody is different so if you genuinely do want this advice, take it with a grain of salt. and if anyone wants more of my advice/further tattoo tours, feel free to ask (idk why you'd want advice from me but i have probably about 40 tattoos at this point and i want to talk about it. because i'm boring and inufferable. i'm A Tattoo Person. this is my coming out </3)

cheers for looking x

[thetobiroppofan]

one piece rant #4 (i think): the tobiroppo and why i love tjem

one day im going to be famous and whether it be for murder or a simple delusion in my mind it WILL happen one day trust me on this those who read this post. anyways i talk like my business is everyone elses deal cause it IS i mean im posting this to STRANGERS!!! ON THE INTERNET!!! i dont CARE if im judged its the INTERNET. i am THE internet gremlin. ohmygod shoot me for that i change my mind.

anyways this isnt what this post is about (pro tip: if you think youre funny write a script and go animate something i estimate soon we'll be needing the next batch of funny animated youtubers soon like jaiden animations and does anyone remember that one guy with the demon horns?? i think his name was adam smth i used to watch his videos religiously)

I love the tobiroppo if you couldnt tell by my cool awesome username. the tobiroppo are AWESOME. BEST villain group in one piece i dont CARE what anyone says. NO!! I AM NOT INCLUDING KAIDO OR HIS ALL STARS IN THIS. JUST THE TOBIROPPO.

LOOK AT THEM!!! THEYRE AWESOME!!! I LOVE THE TOBIROPPO. I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY IF I HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET THE TOBIROPPO AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT WAS THROUGH DYING I WOULD DIE!!!!!!!! LITERALY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ID DEFINITELY BREAKDOWN UPON SEEING THEM SINCE THEYRE SCARY ASF AND ALSO THEYRE SO COOL!!!!!! BUT ITS SOO WORTH IT!!!!!! HEAVEN HELL BE DAMNED I LOVE THE TOBIROPPO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one day im gonna travel to japan and find eiichiro oda and stalk him until he breaks down and i force him to tell me EVERYTHING about the tobiroppo from all their dynamics with the other members to their least favorite food!! (ALL JOKES!!! I AM NOT GOING TO STALK ODA!!!)

anyways if i had to rank my favorite members to least favorite itd go in an order like this: 1. ULTI MY GOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. BLACK MARIA MY QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. PAGE ONE MY MOODY NERDY TEENAGE BOYMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. SASAKI!!!!!!!!!! THE HOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. The racist.

6. X-Drake. (i like him but not as a tobiroppo member he knows his place.)

who's who would be higher than 5 but i am a die hard jinbe fan (i say with the only piece of merch i have of him being a funko figure that holds my house keys) and that fishman racism was NOT!!!!!!!!!! cute.

sasaki shouldve gotten more screentime he was sooo fine i love you sasaki mwa

page one is LITERALLY!!!!!!!! me core (not really but let me be insane oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) also i LOVE that one hc i saw one time where he has a special interest for dinosaurs like thats so real ily page one

black maria is THE cuntiest member of the tobiroppo. like have you SEEN her in the anime AUGH!!!!! THE THINGS ID DO FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS THE GIRLBOSS!!! MOTHER IS MOTHERING!!!!!! CURNTY!!! SINJIN DROWNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ULTI IS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE THOUGH!!!!!! SHE IS THE TOBIROPPO MEMBER.

THIS SCREENSHOT OF HER IS SO CUTE I LOVE HOW TOEI DREW HER HAIR. ULTIS DESIGN IS ULTIMATELY ONE OF MY FAVORITES FROM THE SERIES ENTIRELY. I LOVE HOW COLORFUL HER HAIR IS AND HOW SHE LOOKS SO CUTE IN HER OUTFIT!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER HAIR TEXTURE AND HOW SHE HAS A CUTE LITTLE AHOGE AnD I LOVE HER LITTLE FLOWER MASK.

ODA!!!!!!!!!

DROP MORE ULTI CONTENT AND MY LIFE IS YOURS.

phew!! sorry gangalang (i say as a 15 year old white boy) i got carried away there. anyways when ulti dies so will i its me and her for LIFE.

i know the tobiroppo members either died or got arrested but in my head theyre living the same reality as the baroque works agents did because im insane over the tobiroppo.

I actually dont even know when this obsession started??? it mightve been when i started one piece which was like a year ago during july '23 (which oh my god?? a year's passed already since last year?? what the FUCK????)

but when i saw the tobiroppo (More specifically, sasaki, he started my obsession) a neuron activated in my brain and ive been OBSESSED with the tobiroppo (and one piece 'by extension' i argue despite having two large one piece posters, like 4 figures, and a stupid ugly law plushie right where i lay my head to sleep. sigh. he terrifies me, the buttsnatcher.)

i think originally my favorite member was sasaki, since i found that greenhaired fishman IRRESTISITIBLE (idk how to spell that word im a bit stupid) and then like idk the rest i dont actually rank my favorites tbh which i really should do in retrospect but its stressful when i have mixed opinions

anyways

i love the height differences between the members its so stupid and funny teehees

Also i need to be honest to you people of the internet but i cant be the only one who thinks page one's mask and hair and hat is like 2020 core

it isnt BAD i think he pulls it off its just when i saw him for the first time i thought "girl 2020 called they want their get up back"

he looks cute though i think he works it yasssssssssssss queen erm give them that nonbinary 2020 dsmp core!!

(I support all lifestyles and I am trans myself, please do not cancel me.)

on another topic i think page one autism hcs are real since like one thing and one thing only: his sit

I love him dont get me wrong, but it is hard to believe that hes any form of neurotypical with this sit. ankles crossed n everything. like my guy has GOT to get that autism diagnosis oh my god.

on another note there is a fly at the foot of my bed and i am going to have a mini heart attack i hate flies so much oh my god tumblr pleease send guns and cannons

i think id die to know the dynamics between ANY of the tobiroppo members outside of page one and ulti because i wonder if any of them were close friends. like

i wonder if they were like some form of friends??? also does EVERY tobiroppo member have some form of tattoo on their torso??

also while writing that i thought "wait a minute"

wake up babe new hc dropped: page one got inspired by who's who to have a chest tattoo of his name when he first joined.

ok thats it honestly i dont have anything else to say this was just a divulgence in my own taste tonight through yapping about nothing specific and just the tobiroppo in general. i really love the tobiroppo genuinely and after this i might make a list of my top 10 favorite one piece characters in general since itd be fun. ok bye gangalang

this is THE tobiroppo fan getting off and remember: i am the tobiroppo's fan trust me on this i love the tobiroppo so much if you see someone claiming to be a bigger fan than me tell me ill follow them back to their house and violently mutilate them (joking! i love you my fellow tobiroppo fans!)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

youngsheldonfan9992

[mycptsdrecovery]

To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

.

[starstruckkittensweets]

“Kisses in the Morning Rain” Pt. IV

Fandom: Attack on Titan  Pairing: Eren x Reader  Words: 4k 

Warnings: Season 4 spoilers (namely for Part 1), canon divergence, Reader is a Titan Shifter, open discrimination against Eldians and Paradis, blood and violence, references to depression and coping with PTSD, disregard for said PTSD, mentions of past romantic feelings (which may or may not be reciprocated and/or still strong in the present tense) 

A/N: I’m *finally* back with another chapter, woohoo! I’m sorry this came out later than I originally intended. Right now I’m a bit preoccupied with writing my Levi/OC fic, so that’s taking most of my time when I’m not working on this story. I’m almost done with Part 5 but I might wait to post it until I have the majority of Part 6 written out, just so I’m not rushing myself. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter! It’s a bit of a slower one, but it gives (in my opinion anyway) a little bit of a break from the events of the last couple chapters. If you want to be added to the taglist, let me know and I’ll include you! (And if I forgot to tag anyone I’m incredibly sorry!) 

Taglist: @ranitani, @dream-alittlebiggerdarling, @katsies​, @lattebabie​

“Kisses in the Morning Rain” Masterlist 

The first thing you notice when you open your eyes is how cold the air is. Musty, damp, the scent of dirt strong against your nose. Your back is stiff, your shoulder hurts like hell.

You reach up and touch your forehead. At least the cut has healed.

A single lantern hangs in the corner of the room—on the other side of a set of steel bars. A prison cell, you realize with a shiver. Probably in the underground dungeons, directly below Mitras. Or at least, one of the districts of Wall Sina.

But why? Why are you still alive?

You don’t remember much after passing out. You remember falling in and out of sleep, hearing all kinds of voices speaking around you, none of them saying words that made any sense. You remember feeling cold, hard bands around your wrists, but when you glance down at them, you can’t see anything. You’re not chained to the wall or tied up or handcuffed in any way. Just trapped in a prison cell underground.

A cage, and you almost laugh bitterly.

There’s no one outside the cage, not even a couple of guards to keep watch. Why not? Even if the Scouts brought you back to Paradis and kept you alive as their prisoner, why wouldn’t they at least make sure you were being watched?

Never mind that. You can break out of this cell at any time, with the War Hammer’s power. Just one flick of your wrist and—

The gentle sound of footsteps echo through the hall. You sit up in the bed (the only piece of furniture in the cell, minus the sink and toilet) and watch as the newcomer steps into the light.

Your chest aches when you see Commander Hanji Zoë, staring at you through the bars of the cell with her one good eye.

You haven’t seen her since the day you left Paradis. Since the day the Scouts found out about the outside world. She’s changed in the last four years—not just her hairstyle, but that familiar glow of laughter in her eyes is gone. You faintly remember losing Moblit in the battle for Shiganshina; losing him must’ve been a huge blow for her.

She sighs softly, before leaning against the wall directly across your cell. She’s dressed in a familiar green overcoat that reaches down to her knees, with the Wings of Freedom sewn over the chest pocket and sleeves. You remember wearing those wings once, and actually being proud of them.

The memory makes you want to cry.

“Why did you keep me alive?”

Hanji hangs her head. “It was Eren’s idea.”

Your temples start to pound with a headache. Wasn’t Eren going to eat you back in Marley? Use the Jaw Titan’s teeth to crush your Titan’s crystal to pieces and steal the War Hammer Titan from you? It makes no sense for him to want to bring you back to Paradis alive, rather than devouring you right there on the battlefield. He must know of the danger you pose to Paradis and the rest of its citizens; in fact, all of the Scouts should know that by now. So why bring you back with them in the first place?

“It’s been a while,” Hanji says weakly, offering you a slight smile. Not like the ones she’s given you in the past, full of hope and pride and affection. “How’ve you been?”

Your gaze drops to the ground. Why is she asking you something like this? You don’t know how to respond, so you simply shrug your shoulders at her.

“I see…” She sighs again and sinks to the ground in a sitting position. You follow suit, the ends of your festival dress brushing against the steel bars. “Eren told me what happened that day…after you left.”

Of course he did. You cross your arms against your knees, hugging them to your chest. Hanji takes your silence as a sign to continue—and honestly, the sound of her voice is somewhat soothing, even after all this time.

“It didn’t make sense at first, why you would leave with them. We didn’t suspect you with Reiner and the others, when the Female Titan attacked for the first time. You never gave us any reason to suspect you; we never had a Titan to link you to.” She laughs a little at that part, and suddenly you’re reminded of her love for Titans beyond the Walls, and you wonder if she still has that wild spark inside of her somewhere. “You insisted you didn’t know anything, even when we questioned you about it. You’re a very capable liar, I suppose.”

Liar, hero, heir, traitor. So many words have been used to describe you over the years, and not a single one of them were false.

“You never interfered with our plans to attack the Armored and Colossal Titans in Shiganshina, nor did you stop us from trying to take on the Beast Titan. And yet…you never shared any of your intel with us. Never helped us with our strategies, never warned us of what the enemy could do next.”

“There was nothing to share,” you mumble into the crook of your arm. “You figured it out pretty fast, Commander.”

She scoffs at the title. “Maybe so, but we could’ve used your help. Maybe we could’ve saved a few lives, back in Shiganshina.”

You know instantly she’s thinking of Moblit. Of Erwin, the previous Commander of the Survey Corps, and the countless other Scouts who perished on that day. Is their blood on your hands, as well?

“Still,” she continues, “you left with them in the end. Even after you told the Beast Titan you wouldn’t.”

So why?

Suddenly, you want to tell her everything. The possibility of seeing Fine again, the tarnished reputation of your family’s name, the promise of glory upon returning to Marley—and even the pain that grew in your chest that day, with every passing moment, until you finally said goodbye to Eren in the middle of the night.

But what good will come of it? Who is she to have pity on you, especially at a time like this? To someone like you, who’s killed more Scouts and civilians both directly and indirectly, thanks to your involvement with Marley? Who sat by and watched as your fellow Scouts struggled to understand the concept of intelligent Titans, to even consider the possibility of Titan Shifters in the first place. You, who could’ve played a huge role in bringing glory to Paradis and the rest of humanity on the island, saving at least a hundred lives in the process…

But you didn’t. You were a bystander until the end—until you ran home like a coward, seeking refuge across the sea.

“Listen,” Hanji finally says, and your head jerks up at her voice, “I’m well aware that you were probably in the same boat as Reiner. You were mostly likely forced to do Marley’s bidding without any will of your own. So I don’t blame you for that. However,” there’s an edge to her voice now, “the same cannot be said for the way you abandoned us. After so many years of fighting against Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie…why would you go back to them at the very end?”

You reach down and start to pick at a loose thread of your skirt, the frayed ends barely clinging to the fabric. Hanji’s staring at you intently now, silently demanding an answer from you.

You have no business obeying her; she’s not your Commander anymore.

And yet, you find yourself mumbling out, “Because I couldn’t bear to stay here.”

For the first time in all the years you’ve known her, Hanji is stunned to silence. Slowly, you raise yourself off the ground and dust off the skirt of your dress, meeting her gaze and struggling to keep calm.

“You already know I’m a Tybur. One of the most influential Eldian families within Marley. I was selected to carry the burden of the War Hammer Titan and use it to steal the Founder away from the citizens of Paradis. But once we actually started that mission…” Tears cling to your eyelashes, threatening to drip down your cheeks. “…I realized that it couldn’t be done. We were kids, Hanji. I was a kid. And I didn’t want to answer for Marley’s sins anymore!”

Your head is pounding something fierce now, electric jolts flooding your veins. You can feel your Titan surging forward at the fury, but you will it to stay back and contain itself. There’s no use in breaking out now and running the risk of possibly killing Hanji. Not when she’s shown a bit of mercy towards you.

“So I played dumb. I didn’t want anything to do with Reiner or Bertholdt, so I pretended to be one of you. I wanted to forget about Marley and just pretend I was an Eldian. None of you knew you were Eldians, good or bad…you were just people! And I wanted to be a part of that.”

Everything comes crashing down on you at once. Training with the 104th cadets, acting like the kids you were. Sharpening your blades just in time to defend the city of Trost, when the Colossal Titan mysteriously appeared once more. Battling Annie in Stohess District in her Titan form, and solidifying your loyalty to the Scouts and Paradis—and watching the sick betrayal wallow up in her Titan’s eyes at the realization.

Everything else from that moment on followed suit: your rejection of Reiner and Bertholdt, your determination to defend Eren and Historia, and your refusal to return home in the end with Reiner and Zeke. Only, you had betrayed that sense of loyalty to the Scouts, as well as Paradis. You had abandoned them when they needed you the most, damning your name on the island of devils.

“Zeke found me and Eren, after the battle. He said my family wanted me to come home, and I thought of my cousin—she’s more like a sister now, and the other kids… They were still waiting for me to come home! And I didn’t want to leave them without at least saying goodbye first! But…I never found the chance to come back, like I planned…”

It wasn’t as though you’d be welcomed back with open arms, anyway. From the way Eren looked at you that night, green eyes filled with tears, angry red Titan marks etched on his skin… You knew you would never be allowed to return to this island alive.

So then…why was it Eren who insisted on bringing you back with him?

An unsettling silence forms between the two of you. Hanji clears her throat and leans against the wall again, while you rest your forehead on the cold steel bars. Your Titan’s energy has died a little, the thrumming less pronounced beneath your skin. At least you’re in control again, you remind yourself. But it doesn’t do anything to lessen the pain in your chest.

“…You always did seem a little out of place with them.” You glance up at Hanji, who manages to smile at you through the bars of the cell. “With Reiner and Bertholdt, I mean. You always seemed to fit so well with Eren and Armin and Mikasa.”

…I did? You never thought of yourself as one of them, even before learning about Eren’s Attack Titan ability. You never deemed yourself worthy enough to be considered as part of their group, no matter how much Eren insisted you were.

“Also,” she adds, with a sly smile stretching across her face, “you were attached to the hip with Eren. I’m surprised Mikasa never got jealous of you, honestly.”

Words that intend to bring up a happy memory, maybe even a sense of longing for the past. But instead you sink to your knees in the dirt of your cell, wrapping your arms around your upper half. The tears come hard and fast, cascading down your cheeks like little rivers.

You don’t want to live in Marley. You don’t want to go back to that horrible place.

You don’t want to stay in Paradis with the people you betrayed. The people who treated you as one of their own for the longest time.

You don’t want to be stuck in this endless war anymore. A cycle of hate that keeps on living, two different kinds of people always clawing at each other’s throats. You don’t want to be a pawn in their game anymore.

You don’t want to be the head of the Tybur family. You don’t want to use the power of the War Hammer Titan, not even to break yourself out of this damned cell.

You don’t want to fall asleep at night, thinking of the countless people you’ve murdered over the years. You don’t want to scrape your hands raw beneath the running water every time you visit the washroom, trying so hard to clean the blood off your skin, even when you can’t see it anymore. You can still feel it, no matter how many times you wash them off—you don’t want to feel it anymore.

All you want is to spend the last four years of your life with the green-eyed boy you used to love, in the little cabin at the heart of an unknown forest, just as you’ve always dreamed about.

Eren Jaeger. After all these years, you’re still in love with Eren Jaeger.

Hanji watches you from the other side of the bars, awkwardly shifting her weight from one foot to the other. The Hanji from before, the one who didn’t know you were part of Marley’s Warrior Unit yet, would sink to her knees alongside you and pull you close to her chest for a hug.

But you don’t expect her to do anything like that; not when she knows you can kill her at any second.

Still, she doesn’t leave without saying a few more words: “This cell is beneath Stohess District, just so you know. You won’t do much good trying to break out—so please, try not to do so.”

You barely have the strength to nod as she turns away and disappears down the hall. Only when you hear the heavy door slam shut do you bury your face into your hands, sobbing uncontrollably as the War Hammer’s power thrums to life beneath your skin.

“How is she faring, doctor?”

You can hear the man’s voice on the other side of the door, soft and gentle as he speaks to your aunt. “A little shaken up, but she’ll be fine. I suggest you give her some time, though. God only knows what she’s seen over there.”

Over there. On the other side of the sea, on the island of devils.

“But I wouldn’t worry,” the doctor continues, and you can just imagine him shaking his head. “She’s a strong girl. She’ll get through it eventually.”

“I hope so.” You can hear your aunt sigh, and your hands curl into fists on your lap. “She’ll forget about the time spent over there, I’m sure. It must’ve been hard for her, surrounded by so many devils. Pretending to be one of them.”

But you are one of them. Whether you live on one side of the sea or the other, they’re all the same. They share the same blood of the devil, the same curse they were born with.

But it won’t do you any good to point that out to your aunt. As caring and understanding that she can be, she has little tolerance for talk about the Eldians living on the other side of the ocean. Those are the cursed Eldians, while the ones in Marley (like your own family’s bloodline) are the honored ones. The ones blessed to live in a place like Marley to begin with. The ones that can travel freely throughout the nation, and not just trapped within the gates of Liberio.

The ones not confined by a cage.

But it still feels as though you’re in one.

So you snap your lips shut and wait for your aunt to finish talking to the doctor. You’ll go along with whatever treatment they have planned for you, to help you with the nightmares and episodes. It’ll be better for everyone if you don’t mention anything from that damned island at all, much less the devils living there. The last thing you want is to upset Fine and the other children with horrible talk like that.

They are the devils, you remind yourself, over and over again as the months crawl by. They are the devils of the world. It’s their fault we’re in this mess to begin with.

But in the dead of night, curled up in your bed with nothing but the shadows to keep you company, you can feel the tears slipping down your cheeks, as the memories come flooding back, one by one.

They are all devils—but so are we.

So am I.

The days pass by slowly. You remain in your cell, offered meager meals and water twice every single day from a pair of guards. But then you’re left to your own devices once more, staring at the lone lantern hanging from the corner of the cell.

Hanji comes to visit you a few more times. You half-expect her to drag Captain Levi down here with her one of these days, just so he can beat the living hell out of you for your betrayal. You wouldn’t be surprised—you just aren’t exactly looking forward to it. But he doesn’t visit you.

Neither does Eren. Although, you don’t really expect him to, at this point.

Armin visits you one day, and at first you almost don’t recognize him. His hair is cut shorter than you remember, styled in an undercut, and his eyes have lost that hopeful blue luster. But he still tries to smile at you, when he greets you from the other side of your cell.

“I think I get it, now,” he mumbles, as the two of you take a seat on either side of the bars. “Why you guys did what you did…on that day.”

The day Wall Maria fell…the day Shiganshina fell to the Titans. The memories make you shudder.

Of course, Armin would try to understand you. He was always the most empathetic, forming a bond with you at the first opportunity. The two of you always had a special connection, nowhere near as emotional and intimate as the one you shared with Eren, but something else entirely. Something else that was still just as special to you. Throughout your years on Paradis, you never once regretted meeting Armin Arlert.

You ask him the same question you asked Hanji, and he answers you with downcast eyes: “Eren thought you could be useful to our cause—that’s why he managed to convince Commander Hanji and Captain Levi to keep you down here.”

You can only scoff and shake your head. “Then why was he prepared to kill me back then, in Liberio? He was going to take the War Hammer Titan for himself…so why didn’t he do it when he had the chance?”

Armin sighs in defeat, lowering his head to the dirt below. “I…I think he might still have a soft spot for you.”

Now that is completely unrealistic. Armin’s usually smarter than this—has he hit his head or something?

There’s no way in hell Eren Jaeger has a soft spot for you. Not after everything you’ve put him through. Not after you left him in the middle of the forest that night, angry tears streaming down his cheeks, fists rigid against the collar of your shirt. You remember it all too well, and even after all this time, the swirl of guilt has never left your stomach.

You wonder if he wants to kill you himself, once this is all over.

“He hates me,” you spit out, “I’m sure of it. You heard about what happened that night, didn’t you? How I left him and the Survey Corps behind?” To go back to Reiner and Zeke, so we could escape back to Marley?

“He told us,” Armin replies without missing a beat, “but I’m sure you had your reasons. You were probably threatened, weren’t you? You probably still have a family over there…”

His voice trails off awkwardly at the mention of them. Anger sears through your veins as you remember your uncle, broken and bloody as the Attack Titan swallowed him whole. Your uncle, who planned to die before the night was up, leaving the rest of his family behind to pave the way for Marley’s survival.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” you growl, pressing your palms into the dirt. “It’s not like I’m ever going to see them again. I’m not making it out of this cell, am I?”

Armin opens his mouth to object…then snaps it shut soon after. He heaves another sigh, and you know right then and there, that you’re not walking away from Paradis any time soon.

“They’re still deciding on what to do with you,” he finally breaks the silence. “Either to keep you as a prisoner or give the War Hammer to another soldier…or maybe to Eren himself.”

You squeeze your eyes shut. Of course, that would be their plan. Eren tried to do the same thing in Liberio, so why not just help him along and—

“But he refused.”

“…What?”

“He said he didn’t want your Titan. He didn’t want its power…at least, not yet. So I guess that buys you a little more time in here.”

He doesn’t…want to inherit the War Hammer Titan? It makes no sense—why would he try to devour you back in Liberio, but not do it now, when you’re weakened and incapable of fighting back? Now is the perfect opportunity to take the War Hammer from you, and he’s just throwing it away like it’s nothing.

“But why wouldn’t he take it for himself? And don’t say it’s because he has a soft spot,” your lip curls at those final words, and Armin winces beneath your gaze. “There has to be another reason.”

Armin clears his throat before rising from his seat. He brushes the dirt off his coat, blue eyes fixed on you the entire time.

“I suppose you can ask him that yourself. But if you want my opinion,” he smiles weakly, and for a moment you see a flash of the mischievous boy you once knew inside the Walls, his eyes the color of the sea’s salty waves, “I don’t think he’s completely let go of the past.”

What does he mean by that? Does Eren still despise you for betraying the Scouts, for leaving Paradis for Marley in the dead of night? For breaking his heart after you made him promise to live with you once the war was over? For giving him false hope that you could lead a somewhat normal life once the Titans were defeated in the battle for Shiganshina?

Or…is there something else to Armin’s words, something he’s not outright telling you? Is it possible that Eren, even after all this time and everything you made him suffer through, still looks at you and sees the young girl from the 104th Training Corps? The one who made him smile and held back his arm when he threatened to fight with Jean, the one that bared her blades at a moment’s notice, ready to protect him alongside Mikasa? The one he shared a silly tavern room with the night before the battle, the one he promised to live together with once this damn war was over?

Maybe Armin’s right, as crazy as it sounds. Maybe, after all these years, Eren still sees you as the girl he once loved.  

Well, I suppose that makes two of us.

But Armin’s gone before you can ask him anything more. The heavy door slams at the end of the hall, echoing through the darkness. You turn to rest on the bed in the corner, to mull over what he’s just told you—but then you hear something else, a soft sound through the shadows.

Another pair of footsteps, closing in on the cell. You hold your breath and face the newcomer head-on, your blood singing in your veins.

“…Eren.”

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[nyctophilin]

Fake Affection | III

Chapter I, Chapter II, Chapter III, Chapter IV, Epilogue

Description: Han Jisung has been rejected by the girl he likes one to many times. He decides that he has had enough and is set on making her want him back. What could possibly make her want him more than seeing him with her rival after she boldly assumed he can’t find anyone better. That way Jisung and Y/N are stuck in a fake relationship until Jisung’s crush falls for him. Or he falls for someone else.

All rights reserved © nyctophilin 2020. Re-posting, copying and translating any of my works is prohibited.

Pairing: Han x fem!Reader, Hyunjin x fem!Reader

Word count: 5.1k

Genre: College!AU, Fake dating!AU, Angst, Fluff, eventual Smut

Warnings: swearing, mild groping, mild violence

Pearl note -> This got long. Yeah, things got interesting in this part. :)) Also, I realized I forgot to add something so I had to come back last minute and edit it. Yeah, sorry for the delay. :/ I hope y’all enjoy it! Feedback is very much appreciated.

      The sun was shining brightly despite it being almost 6 PM. The temperature outside reached unusually high numbers for that time of the year, and Y/N decided to take advantage of that. Dressed in a forest green spring dress that reached her mid-thighs and offered a modest view of her cleavage, she was waiting for Jisung in front of her apartment complex. The dress she was wearing had short sleeves, but she decided not to take any jackets with her thanks to the weather forecast that predicted the temperatures to be high until later in the night.

      She was clutching the strap of her purse tightly and impatiently checking the time on her phone every few minutes. It has been such a long time since she went on a date. Just because she was going there to make Mina jealous didn’t mean she couldn’t have fun. What better way to convince the other girl that she missed on a lot of fun than have fun?

      Coming from the left side, she heard the sound of an engine approaching. Soon, a black Range Rover came to a gradual stop right in front of her, the front wheel almost climbing the sidewalk. From inside the car, Jisung gestured her to get in. She opened the door and climbed in, placing her purse over her knees before fastening her seatbelt.

      Without much of a word, Jisung turned the steering wheel and started driving to a destination unknown to Y/N.

      ���I didn’t know you had a car.” She spoke, trying to get rid of the awkward atmosphere.

      Jisung threw her a look before concentrating on the road again.

      “It’s Chan’s. He let me borrow it for today.” A long sigh left his mouth. “After a long talk where he told me that if I hurt his baby, I’m dead.”

      Y/N let out a chuckle, and Jisung smiled as well, as the memory of the silly conversation he had with the older man flooded his mind. Another minute passed, and the silence in the car was being filled by the pop music coming from the radio.

      “You look pretty!” Jisung complimented, stealing another glance at her.

      A bright smile invaded her facial features at his words. 

      “Thank you! I didn’t know where we were going, but I figured a dress would be appropriate for many activities.” She chirped, the tiniest bit of excitement rolling off her tongue.

      “What if we are going hiking?” Jisung said, and a smirk appeared on his face when he noticed her rolling her eyes from the corner of his eye.

      “Then you can turn the car. I’m not coming!” Y/N crossed her hands under her chest and her mouth formed into a small pout.

      “I’m joking. We are going to an outdoor cinema.”

      She gave him a side look and raised an eyebrow.

      “No offence, but how do you know when outdoor cinemas are happening? They don’t seem…” She eyes him up and down on the driver’s seat. “...your style.”

      Jisung resisted the urge to roll his eyes at her comment. After a moment of silence, he sighed silently accepting her words.

      “Mina told me about it three weeks ago. She said it was a rom-com she really wanted to see. We planned to go together.” He explained taking a right turn.

      “Then how do you know if she’s going to come if you planned to go together. I don’t know if you realised, but you are supposed to be dating me, and she’s dating no one. Girls don’t usually go to this kind of thing without a boyfriend or a potential one.”

      “There’s this guy from Theatre and Film that she used to hook up with when I wasn’t around. I know from someone that they are coming together.” 

      Y/N let a pitiful smile involuntarily invade her features. It was kind of pathetic how he knew about her whereabouts and still didn’t say anything. She understood that they weren’t together, but they were heavily flirting and behaving like a couple, hence why she and a lot of other people thought they were actually in a relationship.

      She let her teeth sink in the flesh of her bottom lip holding back from telling him a piece of her mind. He was old enough. He knew what he was doing. Or at least she hoped he did.

      The rest of the way to the outdoor cinema was spent in silence. The only audible sounds being the radio and Jisung’s soft humming from time to time. When they reached, their destination Y/N got out of the car and let Jisung find a parking spot somewhere further away from the location of the cinema due to the parking there overflowing with vehicles.

      Checking her phone, she noticed the time indicating 7:17 PM, and only then she realised how much time they spent in the car. Walking lazily on the pathway to where space was designated for blankets and chairs she saw a sea of people. Maybe not really a sea but there were enough people to fill two of the auditorium in their university.

      For a second she thought she'd lay out the blanket, but then she remembered the only thing she had on her was her purse. On top of that, they needed to ‘accidentally’ bump into Mina and her date and hope they end up sitting next to each other.

      Just as she was thinking about that a squeal deafened her and a pair of delicate arms wrapped around her. When the girl let go of her, and she met Mina’s face, she grimaced, but she regained her composure fast. She smiled at her and her date, a guy she had seen occasionally in some of her classes.

      “What a coincidence you are here!” Mina’s fake excitement was pissing her off. Coincidence her ass. Y/N was sure she knew they were going to be there.

      “Yeah, what a small world.” She gave the two a visibly fake smile and prayed for Jisung to hurry.

      “Are you alone?” The girl asked, moving her head in different directions as if she was looking for the person she came with.

      “No. I actually came with Jisung.” As if on cue Jisung appeared from behind the two, a blanket in hand.

      “Are you looking for me, princess?” A jolt of surprise went through her at the new nickname he used, but she didn’t let it show.

      Observing the angry expression on Mina’s face at his words, she figured that was how he used to call her before they broke up whatever they had going on. She surpassed a smirk from painting her lips.

      “Mhhm.” She extended her hand, which he gladly held and went in for a short kiss. “Look who I found. Isn’t it lovely seeing your friends here?” She sarcastically said, smiling up at him.

      “You guys should come sit with us!” Mina’s date said, and a victorious smile spread across her face.

      “We’ll love to if that is okay with Mina, of course. We wouldn’t wanna disrupt you!” Y/N faked concern and gave Mina doe eyes.

      Mina’s jaw slightly clenched before immediately relaxing and letting out a forced giggle.

      “Of course you can. Why wouldn’t I be okay with that?”

      After that, the four of them went and found a place at the back of the crowd where they could sit. It wasn’t exactly the back of the crowd since there were some more people behind them, but they were reasonably behind. 

      Jisung spread the blanket on the fluffy grass, and Mina’s date, whose name she found out was Jay, did the same as Jisung. Their blankets were almost touching, the distance between them millimetric. 

      There were still 20 minutes before the movie was supposed to start. They sat down on the blankets, and Y/N stretched her legs, finally relaxing for not having to stand on the platform shoes she was wearing.

      “So, are you guys dating or…” Jay asked, fixing his body position so he could see them better.

      Y/N rolled her eyes at his question. The guy wasn’t the best at reading the room.

      “Of course we are. Why would we be here together if we weren’t?” Annoyance was dripping off her tongue. She only wanted to relax for a bit before having to spend two hours watching some boring rom-com.

      “Oh…” His voice sounded almost disappointed as his gaze lingered a second too long on her exposed legs. “Mina and I are not a couple. And since she and Jisung have had a thing before, I thought...” He bit his bottom lip while looking at her thighs that were pretty much bare thanks to her dress riding up when she sat down. “Never mind!” 

      Y/N shifted uncomfortably and placed her hands on her thighs in an attempt to cover them even a little. Mina wasn’t aware of her date’s actions as her eyes were concentrated on Jisung and on the way he looked under the golden rays of the sun that was preparing to set.

      Jisung, however, was burning holes with his eyes into the other man’s head. Upon seeing him biting his lip while looking at Y/N in a less than appropriate way, he felt an unexplainable feeling of rage penetrate his body. What he wanted to do at that moment was to get up and punch that pig into next week for daring to look at her like that. But he kept his composure and decided not to make a big deal out of it. 

      There was literally no reason for him to get that angry. Besides the apparent reason that it made her uncomfortable and he shouldn’t allow something like that, especially when he is playing her boyfriend. But the sudden feeling to rip his head off filled him with turmoil.

      Jisung decided to ignore it for now, and he took his jacket off and placed it over her legs. Her head shot in his direction, confusion and at the same time relief present in her eyes.

      “What is that?” She asked, trying to act unaffected by Jay’s actions.

      “I just thought you might sit more comfortably with this over your legs. It stops unwanted attention.” He subtly glared at Jay, but he didn’t seem to pay him any mind as his eyes were now fixed on Mina’s chest.

      “Thank you!” She said, bringing the jacket further up to cover her thighs better.

      Jisung inched just a little bit closer to her and cupped her face. Placing his lips on hers, he forcefully pushed his tongue in her mouth, taking her by surprise. He made sure their heads were positioned in such a way that the two on the blanket next to them will be able to see the exchange of their mouths. 

      Mina was watching Jisung drag his tongue inside Y/N’s mouth, his eyes closed in satisfaction. The exchange wasn’t rushed, and the way his thumb would caress her cheek so gently had her bursting with jealousy. Jisung had never kissed her like that. Their kisses were always rushed and sloppy, driven by sexual needs.

      When she first heard about their little relationship, she laughed. She thought it was some kind of stupid joke. But then she saw how they behaved. The kisses, the hugs, the hand holding, how he would always have a hand around her shoulders. In the three days, they dated he showed Y/N more love than he showed her in a year and a half.

      Her initial plan was to tease him a little bit, then finally accept to be his girlfriend. She didn’t think he'd go and find himself a girlfriend. And especially not her. From all the people he could choose it had to be her. Looking at them now, Mina regretted her decision.

      Jisung broke the kiss and looked into her fluttering eyes before placing a peck on her nose. Y/N was sitting there dizzy from everything that happened. His sudden boldness left her speechless and burning hot from the embarrassment of being seen doing something like that.

      She wanted to question him. Ask him why he suddenly did something like that. However, a loud sound erupted from the speakers surrounding them, signaling the start of the movie. So she focused her vision on the big cloth in front of her and decided to ignore it.

      She shivered discreetly as a wave of cold hit her body. The movie was only half done, and with the midnight approaching slowly, a chilly air adorned their surroundings. The weather forecast predicted high temperatures, but at that moment she was far away from her city, and so the weather was different.

      Y/N rubbed one of her arms with her hand, regretting not taking a jacket with her just in case something like that was to happen. From the corner of his eye, Jisung noticed her actions, and he leaned in close to her to whisper in her ear.

      “Hey, are you ok?” His hot breath on her ear made the hair at the back of her neck stand up.

      “Yeah, I’m just a little bit cold. I’ll be fine!” She whispered back giving him reassuring eyes.

      Jisung thought for a second of what he could do. He didn’t have another jacket, and he didn’t want her to uncover her legs. At least not when Jay was around. An idea finally struck him, and he softly called her name, catching her attention again.

      When she turned to look at him, he tapped the space between his spread legs. Y/N raised an eyebrow at his gesture.

      “What does that mean?” She sounded a little bit annoyed.

      “Come sit here. I’ll cuddle you so you won’t be cold anymore.” Y/N threw him a weirded out look. “We are ‘dating’. No one will find it weird. Or you could just stay there and freeze to death.” The man explained his voice a little bit louder than before.

      She pondered his offer for a bit before getting up and making her way between his legs. She let herself fall backwards until her back hit his chest softly. Jisung put his arms around her, and warmth started enveloping her almost instantly. Y/N let out a purr at the newfound comfort, and her eyes shot open at the realisation of what she just did.

      “Hey, don’t get too comfortable, you hear me? I’m doing this just because Mina might be watching.” She warned, her voice stern hoping he missed her last action.

      Jisung rolled his eyes but decided not to bring up the sound she just let out. For now, he just wanted to enjoy the newfound proximity. Only so they can make Mina jealous. Right?

      They sat like that, none of them daring to move. For some reason, Jisung found the position really comfortable. A few days prior at the start of their relationship he found skinship really awkward but now it wasn’t like that anymore. It felt almost natural. Like they have been doing it for a long time.

      Some more time passed, but Jisung wasn’t sure how much. The movie was approaching its climax, and the man felt bored out of his mind. Was it really worth going through that only to get his dick wet? But then he remembered who he was doing it for. He was doing it so he and Mina, the girl who he has been in love with for the longest time, could finally be together. And when it happens, he will be able to slide his hand through her silky hair, and feel her smooth skin and kiss her soft lips without having to call it a friendly gesture.

      His trail of thoughts was interrupted by a quiet mumbling coming from Y/N. Her voice was so small that Jisung couldn’t hear her.

      “What?” He leaned his head down in order to hear her when she talks.

      For a minute, there was silence. Thinking that she didn’t hear him, Jisung wanted to repeat the question when a puff of air left her mouth. Right after, she turned slightly to the side, pushing her head more against his chest, and that is when he realised that she fell asleep.

      An involuntary smile tugged at his lips, and his heart started beating faster. He couldn’t explain why he was so happy about it. It was going to be a pain in the ass. Having to wake her up and wait for her to recover from her dazed form. They were going to be the last ones to leave after the movie was over.

      A whistle-like noise left Y/N’s nose when she expired the cold air of the night, and his smile turned into a grin. Jisung moved a few strands of hair from her face before wrapping his hands better around her to keep her warm. He placed a kiss on top of her head and rested his chin on her head, swaying slightly while continuing to watch the movie.

      If you were to ask Mina what has happened so far in the movie, she couldn’t give you an answer. As much as she wanted to see the film, the girl’s eyes seemed to be more interested in whatever was happening on the blanket on her left. 

      She watched as they were cuddling and whispering to each other things she couldn’t hear. Then Y/N fell asleep, and Jisung seemed to be even more loving, hugging her even tighter and kissing her. She was wondering if he has ever done that to her on the many nights they shared a bed.

      Mina never thought she would be that affected by the fact that Jisung has found himself a girlfriend. After all, he was just one of the many boys she was hooking up with. She never thought she would have feelings for him, but here she was, being jealous of the last person she ever thought she would.

      She had to somehow get the boy back. She wanted to see it as a challenge, but she couldn’t. It had barely been two weeks since they ‘broke up’ and scarcely four days since he started dating that perfect little missy. Love doesn’t fade away that fast. She’ll have him back in no time.

      Y/N felt someone shaking her arm gently, and she mumbled some incoherent words, pushing the hand away. She was sleeping so well, she didn’t want to wake up. A hand pushed a hair strand that was ticking her nose out of the way before grabbing her shoulder and shaking it again. She groaned in annoyance.

      “Wake up, Y/N! You have to go home. Unless you want me to take you to my place.” Someone whispered close to her face, and her eyes fluttered open, trying to make up her surroundings.

      The first thing she saw when she finally managed to blink the sleep away was Jisung’s smirking face. God, he was so annoying. Ignoring him and looking around, she noticed she was in his parked car in front of her apartment complex. She vaguely remembered falling asleep, but she doesn’t remember waking up to get to the car.

      “How did I get here? Did you wake me up?” Y/N asked, straightening her body and inhaling the cold air of the night.

      Jisung held her hand and helped her out of the car before slamming the door closed. He let her lean against the front door and opened the back door to fish her purse from the back seat.

      “I didn’t. You were way too cute when you shut up. Like a little obedient kitty. I had to enjoy the moment a little bit longer.” He teased, putting a hand around her waist and making their way to the entrance in the complex.

      Y/N scoffed at his childish remark but decided to ignore it. She didn’t have the necessary energy to argue with him.

      “So you carried me to the car? What about the blanket and the other stuff you had there? Did you go back for them?”

      “No, I had Jay get them for me, so I don’t wake you up.” 

      Stopping in front of the elevator, Jisung pushed the button, and they waited a few seconds for the doors to open. Stepping inside, Y/N pushed the button for the third floor before leaning back against Jisung.

      “Talking about Jay. Thank you for today!” The man threw her a questioning look, acting as nonchalant as he could.

      “What do you mean?”

      “Don’t act dumb! I know you didn’t give me your jacket just because you are nice like that. You saw how he looked at me.” She wanted to sound more aggressive, but her voice came out soft and calm since she was still sleepy.

      Jisung found that adorable but surpassed a smile. Adopting a disinterested expression, he spoke.

      “He did? I didn’t notice. I just thought that, as your boyfriend, I shouldn’t let everyone see your underwear.” Y/N punched him in the stomach lightly, and Jisung dramatically bent down, letting out a fake grunt.

      “You are such an asshole!”

      A loud ding echoed in the restricted space, and the doors opened, revealing the dirty wall of the third floor. They stepped out of the elevator and slowly walked down the hallway to where Y/N’s apartment door was. Taking her purse from Jisung’s hand and finding her keys, she unlocked the door and opened it.

      She leaned against the door frame and looked up at Jisung, giving him a bright smile.

      “I'd like to say that I had fun, but I fell asleep halfway through the date.” She giggled, trying to mask her embarrassment. “But it was nice getting out of the house. Thank you for today!”

      The man put his hands in his jean’s pockets and scoffed.

      “You are lucky Mina got upset by you sleeping on me. Otherwise, I would have gotten angry. My shoulders are so stiff from having to support your weight. I might not recover for a few days.” A fake pained groan left his throat, and Y/N rolled her eyes.

      Lifting herself on her tiptoes, she placed one hand on his shoulder and brought his head lower. She connected her lips with his in a short kiss. Breaking the kiss, she stepped inside her apartment and kept the door open enough for her head to be visible.

      “See you on Monday!” With that, she closed the door all the way and made her way into her bedroom.

      She wasn’t sure what was the time, but it must have been well past 11 PM. Taking off the dress, she discarded it on the floor before grabbing the oversized t-shirt from the back of the desk chair. She put it on and threw herself on the bed, letting the sheets envelop her body before falling asleep.

      Y/N’s eyes shot open, and her mouth fell open as the realisation of what she did only moments prior sank in. Putting the back of her hand over her forehead and exhaling deeply, her eyes closed and her brows furrowed. Why did she kiss him? She’ll never interact with anyone while she’s still drunk on sleep.

      Meanwhile, Jisung that just exited the complex couldn’t contain his smile. He couldn’t understand why that was happening. They kissed before to make Mina jealous. But maybe that was precisely the reasons such an insignificant gesture brought him so much joy. Mina was nowhere near. A spark erupted in his stomach at the thought that the girl might have a crush on him.

      “Do it again! With more love this time. Come on. You want me! You desire me!” Y/N ordered to Jeongin.

      The man let out a frustrated groan, using the script to cover his eyes from the brightness of the sun.

      Both of them, Hyunjin and Jisung, were outside, in front of the university. They had a free period and decided to practice the script for the short movie they were playing in. Hyunjin, although not part of the film itself, was always with them thanks to Mrs. Bae’s affinity towards him. 

      Jisung, however, was new in the picture. Ever since they went on that date a week and a half ago, he seemed to be spending more time with her. She felt mildly suffocated by that but decided not to question it. As long as he wasn’t distracting her from her usual activities, she didn’t mind him tagging along.

      “You don’t make desiring you really easy. We’ve done it four times already. We will start filming in three months. I don't have to be perfect right now!” Jeongin exclaimed letting his body fall on the bench on which Jisung and Hyunjin were seated.

      “Hey! Be careful of what you say. My girlfriend is very, much desirable!” Jisung said in a jokingly offended tone earning disgusted groans from the other two men.

      “Really dude? I could have lived my life without knowing that information.” Jeongin started fanning himself with the script. It was a sweltering day.

      “I don’t understand why you are here. You are only four-wheeling us.” Hyunjin remarked, earning himself a dirty look from Jisung.

      “A car needs all four wheels to be functional.”

      “Yeah, babe, but we are a tricycle.”

      Hyunjin, Jeongin and Y/N erupted into laughter at Jisung’s dumbfounded expression. From behind Y/N, they heard even louder laughter and Hyunjin scoffed at the scene unfolding under his eyes. 

      “I swear to God! Mina has been so annoying lately. Much more than when she used to hang out with Jisung. It’s as if she’s following us around.” The man rolled his eyes as he remembered how many times Mina ‘coincidentally’ happened to be in the same place as them the past week.

      “Tell me about it. And how she is always with Jay from our major. If I wanted to watch live porn, I would have signed up on one of those porn sites.” Jeongin seemed as annoyed as the other man.

      “Don’t stress about that guys. I’m pretty sure these are just coincidences.” Y/N tried telling them, even though she knew everything they said was right.

      “No, I’m pretty sure they are not. There’s someone between us whose attention she’s trying to catch.” Hyunjin gave Jisung a side look.

      “You can’t be sure of that.” She played dumb, wanting more than anything to change the subject.

      “ Oh, please! She’s always watching him. In the cafeteria, when we are hanging around on our free periods, when she’s kissing that loser. It’s like he’s a good movie she can’t tear her eyes from.” Jeongin snapped, tired of the whole situation.

      “Then let’s give them something to look at!” Jisung smirked smugly.

      “What do..”

      In the next second, Y/N has been pulled on Jisungs lap, and he captured her lips in an urgent kiss. One hand was on the nape of her head forcefully holding her in the kiss, and the other one was on her ass cheek, squeezing it. 

      She heard someone awkwardly clearing their throat from her right, and all her senses heightened. Y/N placed her hands on Jisung’s shoulders and tried lightly pushing him away while uncomfortably shifting in his lap. As a response, the man groaned lowly and slid his hand from her neck to her chest, cupping it.

      Her eyes widened in shock at his action and mustering all the force she had in her, she pushed him away, finally breaking the kiss. A loud bang ringed around them as her hand made contact with his cheek. Jumping off his lap, she gathered her bag from the leg of the bench.

      “You are a fucking asshole!” She shouted in his face before storming off inside the university.

      The stomping of her boots was echoing in the empty halls, and the few students that were around decided to make her space to pass. Her thinking was clogged at the moment, and all she could feel was rage and shame. She was angrily making her way down the halls, but her destination was uncertain. She just wanted to be as far away from him as possible.

      Y/N heard quick steps from behind her, and a hand pulled at her shoulder. Without turning around, she shrugged it off and started walking faster. The person behind her also increased their walking speed, but this time around, they grabbed her wrist.

      Just as she was preparing to scream in their face, she was pulled into a hug, her face forced into a firm chest. Y/N felt herself calm down as the smell of a cologne she grew accustomed to in the last week invaded her lungs. His hand was gently rubbing her back, and she relaxed under her touch.

      “Are you okay?” Hyunjin whispered softly in her ear.

      She hid her face more in his chest, feeling shame overcome her.

      “I’m sorry you had to see that. I swear it’s not what you think! We’ve never…” Her voice was shaky, as if she was about to cry. Hyunjin cupped her face forcing her to look in his eyes. She could see concern and sadness hiding behind his brown orbs.

      “Why are you apologising to me? You are the one who’s been wronged here. I just wanna make sure you are okay.” His soft voice was acting as a calmative for her racing heartbeat.

      Y/N felt her insides flip at his caring words. His hands on her cheeks were hot, and she decided to blame them for the blush that acaparated her face.

      “Hey! Step away from my girlfriend, you motherfucker!” Jisung’s voice filled her ears, and she saw Hyunjin roll his eyes.

      The warmth of his body left her, and he crossed his arms as Jisung finally arrived in front of them. Hyunjin was looking down at the other man, and both their expressions were filled with anger.

      “I was just making sure she’s fine. It looks like you took your time deciding to do the same.” The taller man spat venom dripping off his tongue.

      “It’s none of your business how I handle my relationship!” Jisung adopted a louder tone bringing his face closer to Hyunjin’s.

      “But it is when you decide to act like a bitch in heat and make your girlfriend uncomfortable. This is why Mina never dated you and why you and Y/N won’t last long!”

      Jisung clenched his jaw upon hearing the other man’s words, and before anyone could register what was happening, he plunged his fist into Hyunjin’s face.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Love and Medicine ~ 8

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 4,175ish

Summary: Your roommates are annoyed and Gamora is determined to make you jump through hoops.

Notes: This is based off of Grey’s Anatomy 1x07. I do not own Marvel or Grey’s Anatomy.

When your alarm went off, you were naked in your bed. With a naked Steve beside you. A small groan passing between his lips, Steve reached around you to turn off the alarm clock and then cuddled into you.

“Hmmm,” you hummed, enjoying his arms around you way too much. “You have to get up now.”

“What?” Steve mumbled, half asleep. “What time is it?”

You smirked, rolling on top of him. “It’s 5:20, and I have pre-rounds. And you,” you booped his nose, “have to leave before they see you.”

You gave him a small kiss before rolling off of him.

“Oh, come on, now,” Steve grumbled. “Why don’t you just let them see?” He quickly rolled on top of you, pinning you down.

“No!”

“Please!”

“No! No!”

He began placing kisses all over you. Saying, ‘please’, between eat kiss.

“Steve!” You squealed. “St-stoppp!

~~~

“You two get any sleep?” Scott asked, walking into the kitchen where Val and Clint were eating.

“Oh, she could oil the bedsprings as a courtesy or at least buy a padded headboard,” Val complained.

“So, uh, who’s the guy?” Clint asked.

“You think it was just one guy doing all that work?”

“Yeah, do you mind if I don’t think about that?”

“Oh, you jealous, Barton?” Scott teased.

“I’m not jealous.”

“Well, I am,” Val responded. “But at least I know she’ll be having a long day at work.”

They all froze when they heard a floor board near the top of the stairs squeak. The three of them rushed over to the doorway, wanting to see who was coming down the stairs. Steve snuck down the stairs and out the door, seen by Val, Clint, and Scott.

“Well, at least we know that brain surgery isn’t his only skill,” Val commented, going to get more coffee.

“They—they can’t be…” Clint stared at the front door in shock. “He’s… he’s our boss.”

“Yep,” Scott replied, glancing at his watch. “We’re late. You know, she has been scrubbing in a lot lately on his surgeries.”

“No, Y/N wouldn’t sleep with him just to… no.”

“Well, if she’s not ashamed of it, why is she keeping it a secret?” Val wondered.

“Maybe she didn’t. Maybe it just happened. You know, spontaneously, last night.”

“Good morning,” you greeted, entering the kitchen.

“Morning,” Val and Scott responded.

“So…” Val started, “it sounded like you were having some pretty radical sex last night, all night long. Who was the guy?”

“No one you know,” you lied with a shrug.

Clint, Scott, and Val all gave each other a look.

“We’re late,” Scott said. “Let’s go.”

~~~

“I’m gonna beed a major rush to make it through this day,” Clint said in the locker room. “I need a kick-ass surgery.”

“Ooh, you a bad boy last night, Clint?” Peter taunted.

“No,” Val answered for him. “That would be Y/N.”

“You a bad boy, Y/N?”

“Do tell,” Natasha urged.

“Nothing to tell,” you shrugged.

“That says it all, huh?”

Val slammed her locker door shut, annoyed at your lies.

“Sorry, I have a sex life,” you apologized.

“Don’t apologize,” Peter said. “Embrace it. Share it. Count me in.”

“Yeah, next time, just let me know if I need to go to a hotel so I can get some sleep,” Val said.

“Am I missing something?” You asked.

“You were just a little loud,” Scott replied.

Everyone left except you and Natasha.

“Do they know it’s Captain McDreamy keeping them up all night?” Natasha asked.

“I hope not,” you answered. “I already have Gamora riding me, I don’t need my roommates thinking I’m getting special treatment.”

~~~

You yawned as you and Natasha met up with the other interns and Dr. Gamora. You just hoped that you didn’t look as tired as you felt.

“Barton, Romanoff, Lang, Quill, go on to the clinic,” Gamora ordered. She looked up, catching Clint watch Steve through a window. Steve was putting in eye drops. “Barton, patients are waiting.” Clint scurried off. “You two,” Gamora motioned to you and Val, “come with me. Val, you’re hanging with me today.” Steve walked over. “Good morning, Dr. Rogers.”

“Dr. Gamora,” he replied as you yawned. “Late night, L/N?”

“No,” you responded, “caffeine just hasn’t kicked in yet.”

“If you’re at all religious, you would want to start praying it kicks in soon,” Gamora retorted. “There’s a consult in the pit. Girl with a fever and abdominal pain. After that, Lee in 3311 needs his meds. Mr. Jackson’s IV fell out, and he’s a hard stick. Post-ops in 1337, 3342, 3363, and 2381.”

You had nodded along, trying to get your tired brain to understand what she was saying. “3381, 3342, 3363,” you repeated, “and 23… 81?” 

Gamora simply glared at you instead of answering what you needed. “Why are you still standing in front of me?”

You quickly hurried down to the pit, not wanting to get on Gamora’s bad side anymore than you already were. You started your consultation with an eighteen year old girl named Jessie Todd. Her mother and father were both accompanying her. Jessie seemed nervous, biting her nails.

“I think she got some bug on her trip to Mexico with her friends,” Mrs. Todd said. “I told her not to go to a third-world country, but does she ever listen?”

“She’s been weak ever since and she’s lost weight,” Mr. Todd worried.

“Barely,” Jessie mumbled.

“And this morning, she passed out in the shower.”

“When was the trip?” You asked.

“A couple weeks ago,” Jessie answered. “I’m really fine. I just have a fever.”

“Okay, well, will you lie back for an exam for me?”

“No, please, I don’t need an exam. Just give me some antibiotics and send me home.”

“Well, maybe it is just a fever, but they called down for a surgeon, so I have to give the ok to let you go. So just let me do the exam.”

“Do the exam,” Mr. Todd urged.

“No. This is crazy. I’m fine.”

“For God's sake, Jessie, I don't want to spend my entire day here,” Mrs. Todd exclaimed.

“You know, actually, Mrs. Todd, this might be easier if we had some privacy,” you told the parents, sensing that Jessie was worried about their reactions to whatever was going on. “So would you two mind leaving the room?”

“That’s fine,” Mr. Todd said, guiding his wife away.

Jessie lied down and you began to push at her stomach.

“Ow,” Jessie complained. “Don’t push so hard.”

“Can you lift your shirt so I can examine your stomach?” You requested. With a sigh, Jessie slowly lifted her shift, revealing pink scars. “Where did you get these? Jessie… you've had surgery recently. These scars are still pink.”

“Don’t tell my parents.”

“You did this in Mexico so your parents wouldn't know? What did you have done?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Jessie—“

“I can’t!”

With a sigh, you walked away, ordering a CT for Jessie before heading to help the other patients that Gamora had for you.

~~~

You at just finished Gamora’s last job for you when she paged. You were quickly to go find her.

“You paged?” You questioned, finding her near a nurses station.

“Where are we?” She asked.

“I did the consult, did the IV, the meds, the Post-ops, everything.”

“How is your pit patient?”

“She’s febrile and has peritoneal signs.”

Both you and Gamora’s attentions go to Natasha, who is walking by looking ill.

“You alright, Romanoff?” Gamora wondered, not caring all that much.

“Fine,” Natasha responded, waving it off as she kept going. “On my way back to the clinic.”

“Anyway, about the pit patient.”

“I think she had some sort of illegal surgery done in Mexico,” you stated.

“Botched abortion?”

“No. She has four laparoscopic scars on her abdomen and won't say what they're from, the parents are clueless.”

“She’s a minor.”

“Seventeen. Freshman in college.”

“You order up for a CT?”

“Yes,” you nodded.

“So while she's there, the nurses couldn't get a Foley on Mr. Garay. He may need a Coude cath if you can't get a normal one in there. Write up post-op notes on all surgical-floor patients that had surgery within the last 24 hours. Be sure to document their EKG's and x-rays. Hunt them down if you can't find them.”

“Right away.”

~~~

You were exhausted by the time Jessie’s CT scans came back. Gamora was really working you to the bone. Of course, it didn’t help that you had spent most of the night up with Steve, having some of the most enjoyable sex you’ve ever had. But that wasn’t the point. Scans in hand, you found Gamora at the nurses station near the lobby.

“Dr. Gamora?” You walked up to her. “Jessie Todd’s abdominal CTs.” You handed her the scans.

She took them, holding them up to study them. “Is this girl fat?”

“Not at all,” you shook your head. “She’s a normal college kid.”

“So,” she handed the scans back to you, “what do you see?”

You took them back and studied them yourself. “Her stomach’s stapled. She’s had a gastric bypass.”

“And a bad one at, at that.”

Jessie Todd was moved into a patient room. So you and Gamora requested to speak to her parents outside of the hallway. You were tasked to explain to them what at happened.

“Gastric bypass is a procedure normally done on obese patients to help them lose weight,” you stated, after telling them what their daughter had done.

“Jessie?” Mr. Todd questioned. “She doesn’t need to lose weight.”

“Are you kidding?” Mrs. Todd responded. “This means the world to her. But it is so typical of this girl to take the easy way out. She's done it with everything since she was a little kid.”

“Mrs, Todd, nothing about this is gonna be easy,” Gamora said. “She's gonna face a lifelong struggle with malnutrition unless she has surgery to reverse the procedure.”

“Do the surgery,” Mrs. Todd ordered before turning to her husband. “I told her to watch the freshman 15. Don't eat junk, exercise. But when she came home Christmas, who had to take her out and buy her a brand new pair of size 6 jeans because she couldn't get in the ones I got her last summer?”

“Chrissy, you know, she tries so hard,” Mr. Todd retorted. “She does. She gets good grades. She gets A’s.”

“She had illegal surgery in Mexico.”

“Unfortunately, there were complications with the bypass,” Gamora stated.

“What do you mean?” Mr. Todd asked.

“She has what looks like an abscess under her diaphragm, and edema, which is a swelling of the bowel wall. I can't say for certain she'll recover completely.”

“Just do whatever you have to do to make her well, ok?”

“Of course, sir.”

Gamora walked away, and you stayed to check up on Jessie. It was then that Mrs. Todd entered Jessie’s room, angrily.

“Before you guys start,” Jessie quickly said, “I know you’re mad.”

“Disbelief, Jessie,” Mrs. Todd exclaimed. “Just disbelief.”

“I’m just concerned,” Mr. Todd added, much more calmly than his wife. “Where did you get the idea to do this?”

“The internet,” Jessie answered quietly.

“But, honey, there is a healthy way to lose weight,” Mrs. Todd said.

“Yeah, I tried that, but...it doesn't work for me like it does for you.”

“Hey,” Mr. Todd said, putting a hand on his daughter’s leg, “you don’t need to lose weight.”

“What are you eating?” Mrs. Todd quickly wondered. “And how much have you been working out? I mean, you know, most of the time, when people hit their target weight, they have to work to stay there.”

“Everyone gains weight in college, Mom,” Jessie responded. “It’s—it’s stressful. There’s... there's not enough time for exercise. I just thought if I wasn't worried about my diet, then… I could focus more on my studies.”

“So you took yet another shortcut? Life doesn’t work that way, Jessie.”

“Chrissy!” Mr. Todd exclaimed.

“What? You want to argue this?”

Huffing at his wife, Mr. Todd turned to you. “She has so much potential, if she would just apply herself—”

“Okay, okay,” you interrupted, having heard enough. “I think we should focus on taking care of your daughter. And, Jessie, your parents agree, the best thing to do is to reverse the bypass.”

“No!” Jessie shouted. “No, it's my body. I do not want surgery again. Please?”

“There were serious complications. And this is about your health.”

“But I’d rather be thin.”

“Well, I’m afraid the choice isn’t up to you,” Mrs. Todd responded.

~~~

With a sigh, you found yourself pushed up against the wall in the stairwell. You were tired and so over Mrs. Todd.

“Long day?” Tony’s voice came closer.

You opened your eyes to see him walking up the stairs. “You could say that,” you responded. “How’s trying to get a date with Dr. Potts going?”

“Not so well,” he sighed, coming to leaning against the wall beside you. “I’ve been bringing her coffee or tea every morning though. I’m trying.”

“You really screwed up,” you giggled.

“You’re telling me. How are you and Steve?”

“We’re… fine.”

“He told me you were up all last night.”

“What?!”

“Okay, he didn’t tell me. But I can see how tired both of you are. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

“It’s that obvious? Tony, are you serious? This could totally ruin—“

“Woah, woah, woah. Calm down there, Y/N. I’m just playing with you. Gosh, you need to take a chill pill or something.”

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just… I know we shouldn’t be doing what we are doing.”

“But you enjoy it too much to stop. I get it… I just wish I was getting some too.”

~~~

Natasha was standing in the hall looking nauseous.

“Romanoff!” Clint called, excitedly hurrying up to her. “I’m scrubbing in on a hemispherectomy with Rogers.”

“Get out!” She responded. “I would kill for that.”

“We're gonna cut out half a girl's brain and it's going to work. It's outrageous. Almost makes it hard to hate him.”

“Why do you hate him?”

“Oh, no reason.”

“You know about him and Y/N, don’t you?”

“You know?”

“When are you gonna figure out that I know everything?”

Noticing Val walking up from behind, Clint pointed at Natasha. “She knows.”

“What?” Val questioned. “About Y/N and the Captain?”

“It’s been going on for, like ever,” Natasha commented.

“Seriously?”

“And you didn’t tell us?” Clint wondered.

“Ooh, you’re a gossip, huh?” Natasha responded.

“I am not!”

“I am,” Val said.

“He’s about to go into major brain surgery on no sleep? Not very responsible.”

“Jealous much?” Natasha chuckled. “Sex all night isn't about being responsible.”

“No,” Val agreed, “it’s about sex all night. I can't believe you're not more pissed off about this, you of all people.”

“Well, Y/N works hard all day. She’s good at her job. Why should you care how she unwinds? I mean, you like to bake all night. Some people like to drink. Others like an occasional screaming orgasm.”

~~~

Gamora and you were carefully operating on Jessie in the OR. Gamora was letting you help with more than you thought she would.

“Handle with care,” Gamora advised as she handed you Jessie’s bowel. “This things—“

“Full of gunk,” you responded. “I know.”

“We need to free the bowel from the adhesions caused from the abscess. This poor girl. What was she thinking?”

“She wants her mother's approval. She wanted to please her.”

“And this damage is the result? Here, resect that.”

“Needle-tip Bovie, please,” you requested, handing the bowel back to Gamora.

“When you’re done here, you have post-ops waiting.”

“I know, Dr. Gamora.”

“Natasha also has the flu. So, you need to pick up the slack in the clinic as well.”

“Look, I’ll mop the floors, okay?” That earned you a glare from Gamora. “Sorry, that was inappropriate.”

“It's not the only thing that's inappropriate. While we're on the subject, you care to tell me what you think you're doing?”

“Look, I'll jump through hoops if you want me to. But what I do what I leave this hospital is my business.”

“Half this hospital knows your business. Flu isn't the only virus spreading around here.”

“I made a choice, and I know you don't respect me for that choice. But I'll live with the consequences.”

“Then I'll have lots of hoops for you to jump through.”

“I've done everything you've asked me to do. I may not do it your way but it gets done. So whatever else you got, bring it on.” 

Suddenly, Jessie’s bowel burst. Spraying you with toxic waste. You could hear the people watching in the gallery go, ‘ew’.

“Okay, Dr. L/N, now that you’ve drained the organ, we can attempt to repair it,” Gamora said.

“Now my day is perfect,” you muttered.

The nurses tried to clean you up the best they could as you operated. Though they seemed to only make it worse. After the surgery, you and Gamora headed out into the hallway together.

“I need a shower,” you commented.

“No, I need a shower,” Gamora retorted. “You need to go tell that girl's parents what kind of kid they're getting back.”

“You're not gonna let me shower first?”

“That would be a hoop, would it not?”

“It would qualify.”

“Shower first, then.”

You rushed to the locker room. Val and Natasha were already there.

“Ew, what smells?” Val asked as you passed her.

“That would be me,” you answered, "or more specifically, my patient's insides all over me.”

“That makes me strangely happy.”

“Oh, Y/N,” Natasha grimaced, “you smell like—“

“Karma.”

“What?” You asked Val.

“Nothing.”

“Something vile is stuck in your hair,” Natasha told you, pointing to your hairline. “You know, just go stand over there, please.” She shooed you to the other side of the aisle.

“Ugh, how much do I love being a surgeon right now?” You mumbled.

“Karma,” Val laughed.

“What does karma have to do with anything?”

“I'm just saying, you've been given all the best surgeries. And now you smell like putrid goo. And you're giving off a stench. Karma's a bitch.”

Gamora walked into the locker room. “Dr. Rogers needs an intern in surgery,” she stated. “Which one of you is clear?”

“I’m good!” Natasha raised her hand. She was still looking pale. “Where do you want me?”

“You need to lie down somewhere.”

“I’m fine, I’m completely healthy.”

“L/N?” 

“Of course,” Val grumbled.

“What is your problem?” You asked Val, annoyed.

“Um, you! Cause apparently you can help Captain McDreamy in ways the rest of us can’t.”

“You did not just say th—“

“Yes, I did!”

“Hey!” Gamora called out. “Natasha, hemispherectomy in OR 1 with Dr. Shepherd. Go.”

Natasha nodded and hurried away. Val marched off as well.

“Apparently, I’m not the only one with hoops,” Gamora smirked.

~~~

After showering, you found Mrs. and Mr. Todd in the lobby. As you walked, you explained to them what had gone on in surgery.

“We were able to reverse the gastric bypass, but we did lose a significant portion of her bowel,” you told them. “And because of the short gut syndrome, Jessie will never eat normally again.”

“Ok, wait, do…” Mr. Todd tried to put his thoughts together. “How do we help her here?”

“Well, getting proper nutrition will be a lifelong problem for Jessie.”

“Great,” Mrs. Todd murmured, annoyed, “as if we already don't have our hands full with her.”

“She gets good grades. She stays out of trouble. She's smart. I just think she feels like nothing she does is good enough for you.”

“If you somehow think that I'm responsible for this…”

“I think Jessie is killing herself to please you.”

“Oh, please. You have no idea what's going on in that girl's mind.”

“You're her mother. She worships the ground you walk on. She didn't do this for herself.”

“I think that this situation is completely—“

“Chrissy, shut up,” Mr. Todd interrupted.

Both you and Mrs. Todd looked shocked as Mr. Todd walked faster to Jessie’s room.

~~~

Clint had had an interesting day, to say the least. He had discovered that the anesthesiologist in Steve’s surgery was drunk. Bringing up to Dr. Rogers, both the anesthesiologist and Dr. Rogers got mad, throwing him out of the surgery. Which is why he needed another intern.

Durning the surgery, Natasha and Dr. Rogers quickly realized that Clint had been right. Allowing Natasha and another doctor to close, Steve requested Clint to met him outside of the OR.

“Let me explain,” Steve began.

“It’s fine,” Clint responded.

“No, there is a code among doctors. We're not supposed to ask each other questions, not within the walls of this hospital.”

“Okay, so, I was out of line.”

“No, you weren't. I was. I was out of line. Somebody should have taken responsibility. It should have been the guy doing the cutting. It should have been me. You didn't deserve what happened to you today. You did the right thing code or no code.” Steve held out his hand for Clint to shake. Hesitantly, Clint shook it. “You saw me leave the house this morning, didn’t you?”

Clint pulled his hand away. “Oh, was that you?”

“Hmm. I’m not using her. And I don’t favor her.”

“She’s pretty great, you know.”

“Mm-hmm. I know.”

~~~

You went to Jessie, getting her into a wheel chair so that you can walk her around while talking to her alone. You had made a phone call, and you needed to tell her about it.

“Did you fix me?” Jessie asked, after the two of you walked in silence for awhile. 

“No, not completely,” you responded.

“So, I won’t get fat?”

“No.”

“Oh. That’s awesome.”

“Jessie, I’ve asked social services to contact your parents.”

“What? Why?”

“They can help you.”

“With what?”

“You don't know this yet, but life isn't supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to be this hard. And your mom… she isn’t suppose to treat you this way.”

~~~

You were so extremely grateful when you were finally allowed to go home. It was late, so you were expecting your roommates to be asleep. When you entered the kitchen, you found Val frosting a cake.

“I thought you’d be asleep by now,” you commented, searching for food.

“Yeah, well, I’m not,” Val retorted. “If you wait a few minutes, you can have a piece of cake. Baked it chock-full of love. Actually, chock-full of unrelenting, all consuming rage and hostility, but it's still tasty.”

“So you know?”

“I know.”

“Well, do you want the long, sordid version, or do you want the short version, where I started sleeping with a guy who turned out to be my boss?”

“Neither.”

“Val, cut me some slack here.”

“No. You went to Dartmouth. Your parents— don’t get me started on that. I know you’re trying to hide who your parents are. But I know. You grew up— look at this house! You know, you walk into the OR, and there isn’t anyone who doubts that yo should be there. I… I grew up in a trailer park. I went to state school. I put myself through med school by posing in my underwear. You know, I walk into the OR, and everyone hopes I'm the nurse. Y-you have their respect without even trying, and you're throwing it away for...what? A few good surgeries?”

“No. It's not about the surgeries. It's not about getting ahead.”

“Then what? A little hot sex? You're willing to ruin your credibility over that? I mean, Y/N, what the hell are you doing?” You huffed, shaking your head. “Oh, my… you’re falling for him.”

“I am not.”

“Oh, you so are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You so are. Damn it, you poor girl.”

“You know, it's just that he's just so… And I'm just… I'm having a hard time.”

"Wow, you're all, uh, mushy and… warm and full of secret feelings.” Val handed you a piece of cake.

“I hate you!” You snatched the cake from her. “And your cake.”

“My cake is good. So, um, how hot is the sex?”

“Val.”

“What? Come on, my girlfriend broke up with me, I’m not getting any. Help a girl out with a few details.”

~~~

Steve showed up at your door an hour later, exhausted as well. You two headed up to your bedroom. You were both on either side of the bed, pulling back the covers.

“You know,” Steve slurred, “we could just…”

“Sleep?” You finished.

“We could, yeah, if… if you want to.”

“Yeah?”

You both crawled into bed. You turned off the lamp beside you before cuddling into Steve’s side. He reached over and turned off the lamp at his side.

“I could get used to this,” you whispered, falling asleep.

next chapter >

NOTES: from now on the taglist when be added by a reblog. I will reblog it using my second account, @just-dreaming-marvel-2​​​. Just so that my main page doesn’t get too cluttered.

If you want to be added to the tag list, please dm me or send in an ask.

[sweet-rintarou]

"Did you even shower?" Oikawa asked you once you sat in the passenger seat. Noticing the sweater, sweatpants and untidy hair, it was an obvious sign that you did not do what he was asking.

"No, because some bitch was whining," you snapped, glaring at him, causing him to cringe back and place an arm over his nose. "I don't stink, okay? I'm not you."

"Hey, I smell incredible, if you should know," he says matter-of-factly, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, you doing anything after the shoot?"

Remembering your conversation with Ushijima last night, your sour mood was immediately shifted and you beamed up at Oikawa, only earning a surprised, and borderline disgusted look from him. "Yes, I'm going on a date with Toshi."

"God, it's fucking weird hearing you call him that," he cringed, his upper lip curled up. "Are you sure that's okay? We're still under contract, you know?"

"I know, but he said he'll take me to a town next to here, so I'm trusting him," you inform. "I've committed to this stupid contract for more than three months, I'm honestly sick of going on dates with only you."

"Y/N..." he frowned, glancing at you briefly before focusing back on the road. "I'm hurt."

"Good, because you are a terrible conversationalist."

"How?"

"I never know what you're talking about 99% of the time." He looks towards you quickly, brows furrowed and an obvious angry pout on his lips. "I only respond the designated responses any bored person would say, accommodated with reactions."

He thought over your words, reflecting them to your actions when you were to go on dates. Realization struck him, causing him to reach out and hit the top of your head.

You returned it by pinching his arm.

Your heart was racing against your chest. It's been three months since you had met up with Ushijima because of the chaos of your debut preparation, photoshoots on photoshoots, and recordings. Your interactions with Ushijima were limited to phone calls and text messages. You hadn't seen him in person since that time in the restaurant with Oikawa.

To say the least, you were scared that he'd think you've changed. You never got to tell him that during the three months you were placed on a strict diet and had changes to your appearance, including your hair and how you dressed—however, for tonight, you were dressed in a casual tee and jeans, accompanied by a jacket you stole from Yūji. Your hair though... The company had you try different colors for the concept pictures of your debut, which was different—drastically—from the hair you sported when you met Toshi.

The ding of the elevator reaching the lobby floor caused your heart to jump to your throat and it felt like an eternity before the doors finally opened.

You stepped out, looking to both sides to find Ushijima standing in front of a different elevator, face scrunched up in confusion as to why it wasn't opening.

"Toshi," you called, causing the 6-foot man to turn to where you were, eyes widening upon seeing your new appearance. The silence between you two was suffocating, but was relieved when his eyes shifted to yours, squinted into crescent as his signature smile appears.

"Y/N...You look beautiful."

silver lining | w. ushijima smau

previous | masterlist | next

part thirty-eight

—since last

author's note: IT'S BEEN SO SO LONG AND IM SO SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING I GENUINELY AM😭😭 i have a full apology post here, but long story short, college was hectic as fuck and im finally done with my semester, i had gone thru 183738 breakdowns and went thru a rut cuz idk what i wanted to do, but im feeling better (slowly) and also, i need to end this au fast cuz if it aint me then no one's gonna do it😔 kinda wish aus could finish themselves, they're so not independent 🙄 imma make sure ive queued up every chapter to avoid falling off the face of the earth again 😢

taglist (CLOSED) : @alienvarmint @loubells @naughtylittleweeb @tycrackculture @someone-you-dontknow @iloveyouasmuchaspoohloveshoney @stargirlara @brownsugartease-blog @leviathans-watching @kenjiru @ushiwakaismybae @elianetsantana @kagebunshiin @dainslove @marajillana @wannakeillmyself @bokuto-buns @pinq-bug @ihateccmber @changkyun-not @mischevious-pixie @mochi-the-uwu @haengbokpixie @kiritokunuwu @kittyddandnyla @runningwitches @cevanswhre @mint-mai @morpheus-rex @franko-pop @bigchaosenergy @luhvsnoir @shadowpurr @fueledbyapplepi @bellesowl @nonbinaryh0e @somis0 @farmertoshi @a-moon-fairy @cat-kinda-moon @halesandy @putmeinyourdeathnote @kookie-doughs @nikanikabitch @fuckjeffreybezos @icedberrytea @dearfushiguro @sevenlol @darlingkuroo (send an ask if you want to be added) if your name is crossed, i cant tag you

[borom1r]

💕 ✨💎💢🎥🏳‍🌈 + Saw (all the Saw movies you enjoy if you want)

I’ll just do th franchise as a whole instead of individually shfhdh

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

ITS COMPLEX and not in like a “oooo jigsaw is RIGHT” way but a Everyone Kind Of Fucking Sucks, At Least A Little way and a Nobody Is Morally Superior way. I like seeing fucked up little bastards go thru hell and then when I like them a lot but they died I like pretending that Didn’t happen and making them kiss other fucked up little bastards like I’m playing with the world’s worst barbies

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

yeeee i LOVE!!!!!!! LOVE when Eric is chasing Amanda thru the tunnels im sorry that’s so sexy. same when he’s beating John to death in 2. there’s nothing morally wrong with violence against serial torturers in fact he deserves sloppy for it. (half joking)

um for a serious answer tho: obvs the end of 1 where your forehead is pressed against mine. also when u lock Hoffman up in 3D. mmmmnn the scene in 2 where we see Eric thru the cage and he’s struggling w/ himself, and when earlier he calls Daniel. any time in IV where Art grabs his waist to explain things. the water cube scene just for the imagery

💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

HI I FEEL LIKE U HAVE ALL HEARD ME SAY THESE THINGS ALREADY but it’s been a lil too long since I just talked abt Lawrence..

Lar makes me insane he is so layered and everyone who is upset about him becoming a jigsaw disciple makes me. rhrhfudufhdhf WHAT. that man was fully intending on just sitting in the dark doing nothing until Adam woke up if u take away his structure he crumbles and guess what John did! ripped it away and said “look, I have a newer, shinier, Better structure” so OFC Lawrence was like. Yes Please! ofc he was. he is a sad little man he is the prettiest dilf in the whole world i want to pick him up and shake him like a ragdoll. he contains MULTITUDES and some of those multitudes are just being a weird fucking gremlin during group therapy. I love him for it.

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

YES I HAVE. A LOT. i will just link th post lol: here!

💎 are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

HMMM. YEA where do i. even START.

1) the original RBT in SAW 0.5 was fully functional and made of metal. as in it probably could’ve killed someone; the one Shawnee wears was also fully functional in that it opens and legitimately could explode a styrofoam head, but was much lighter and much much safer

2) Cary got stuck in his shackle one day. props used the wrong pin and couldn’t get it back open skfjdh

3) the needles in the needle pit? about 50% real, 50% CG. needles removed obviously, and filled with ranch dressing I believe

4) almost every character in the nerve gas house can be seen in/around Jill’s clinic at some point in one of the other films. I BELIEVE it’s only Daniel + Laura who don’t cameo, but I’m not 100% sure

5) about 75% of the time we see Eric in IV, it’s not actually Donnie. very funny to listen to the director’s commentary while Darren points out each time it’s Not Donnie— they only got him on set for a day

6) additionally, the rat scene wasn’t part of the script, that was just Donnie fucking around + Darren liked it so much he kept it

7) the majority of the traps in IV were fully functional! the mausoleum trap was legit, the ice blocks were real, the scalping seat was real and was intended to be entirely practical but they couldn’t get the scalp application to look right so THAT had to be CG (the chair was still real!), the motel room trap was real! fucked up!

8) very little of the SFX in V was digital. specifically the ones you’d expect— Charles’ corpse was a practical effect, as was Mallick’s arm! it was a fully articulated prosthesis!

9) they didn’t use stunt doubles or CG for the water cube, that was ALL Scott Patterson in a metal box with a team of effects people on standby. the front + back panels were hinged, so they’d roll until he gave the signal + said team would rush in, release both panels and drain the water. I think one of my fav bts pics ever is of Scott with a snorkel so they could fill the cube back up before rolling lol

10) 3D was supposed to be 2 movies but bc V sucked nobody saw VI, it tanked too and Lionsgate said fuck this shit + smashed it into one movie. which is why it feels like such a clusterfuck. somewhere out there is a Lionsgate exec who I plan on personally breaking their kneecaps for this. we got stuck with Jigsaw and Spiral because of that asshole and they WILL pay.

💢 what do you NOT like about your hyperfixation? is there something you would want to change about it?

i do not like the fandom. don’t get me wrong I have a lot of complaints abt the series as a whole particularly how it treats women and I think in general it is not nearly as good past the first two as people give it credit for. 3 is a horrible movie imho but god forbid you dislike it/prefer anything after it. but overall I think it’s a franchise you cannot take seriously bc if you do it’s like beating your head against a brick wall. I love it so much but it’s quite literally Not That Deep. it is the same level as John’s cult bullshit it sounds complex but really it’s like. Ok Grandpa Let’s Get You To Bed :)

anyways i don’t think I have any followers here who didn’t also follow my old blog so i feel comfortable saying Yea, I remade bc of ppl in the saw fandom w/ zero comprehension of fiction vs reality and god I don’t mean that in a proship way I mean that in a “just because I like a fictional rancid man doesn’t mean I base my entire morality around excusing his actions.” no I’m not openly critical of my interests bc it’s exhausting and I come here to be a mentally ill faggot on main not write essays defining why he’s Horrible, Actually. tiresome.

anyways saw becoming popular was a mistake

[garrothromeave]

the hell is mystreet season 6??

(warning, long post ahead)

ok so before i start this

1) ive never posted shiiiit on tumblr before so watch me suffer, im just here to talk about stuff that my friends who dont know anything about aphmau have to listen to me rant about for hours on end

2) i havent seen mystreet in like years (except season 3, i watch that frequently since im laurance and shadow knight deprived) so please bear with me because i might be completely wrong on this lol. it’s just like, pointing out things i remember

3) im sure someones already talked about this but who cares

4) im gonna do this stupid thing where i just explain myself a bit at first, if you dont want to read that just skip to the part where you see “the actual thingy:” in bold and italics 

5) mild disclaimer; i am completely aware that jessica is not a professional writer. i know that she did her best to appeal to her fans, and honestly, respect for that. while this post will come off as aggressive and probably look like hate, that’s not my intention in the slightest. it’s just... intense criticism. im sure y’all probably already know that, but yeah, just stating that anyways. i do believe that jess is doing her best, and in no way do i want to dismiss any hard work she’s done. that being said; prepare for a very strongly opinionated post.

haha watch there be 10000+ typos in this making me look like a complete dumbass

ok here we go 

one of the main reasons i stopped watching aphmau back in 2017 was the mess that was season 4. like, in the first few episodes of the emerald secret, i thought “woah!! this is kinda cool, im a sucker for mystery!” because of course i was, it was something new and something exciting. the only problem i had with it at the time was kim, but that’s just because i always found her annoying and out of place. i just didn’t understand why garroth dragged her along and honestly i still don’t to this day BUT, moving on.

anyways, as the season progressed, 13 year old me was of course just “:0!!” the entire time--that is, up until the reveal of the main villain. i remember watching the episode, seeing the reveal of ein, and then stopping. like, just for a quick break, but i was still just overwhelmingly disappointed. like, and this was the time when pdh was airing and ein just got made alpha (i think?) and i had really really liked eins character in pdh. either way, that really sucked and actually opened my eyes to a lot of things.

one of the main things bein’ the fact that this was supposed to be a slice of life kinda series that decided to take a turn to a more edgy kinda approach. which, i guess i regularly wouldnt mind? but seeing as mcd was kinda bein neglected at the time it just didnt sit right with me. BUT WHATEVER, point is i stopped watching mystreet all together at the end of season 4.

like, a whole year later my brother tells me that shit’s getting intense in season 5 + 6 of mystreet, and my brilliant self decided to give it a shot--but i refused to watch all of season 5, so i only stepped in when ein made an appearance. so whenever that was, that’s where i picked up because i didnt care enough to see 

and y’know--i honestly didn’t hate it at first. in fact, i found it oddly cool. it wasn’t enough to get me into aphmau again, but it was enough to where i was intrigued. i dont know why, but i never watched the finale, so i didnt see the ending until just a few weeks ago--but back then, i thought it was neat. looking back on it however... im just so confused. 

side note: only got back into aphmau this time around because of mcd. mainly because like, i adore the first season and the first half of the second season. and being nearly 18 now, im a lot more appreciative of plot and well-written characters n junk. 

the actual thingy:

ok back on track. imma stop spilling out my story of how i got back into aphmau, and lets just skip to what rewatching mcd made me realize of season 6′s plot and shit:

-emmalyn. how the fuck does ghost even remotely exist? if she’s emmalyn as claimed, then why have we already seen emmalyn in the mystreet universe alive? look i get that creators can do whatever they want with their stories but at the same time please provide some sort of explanation good god. and maybe they did and i just havent seen it, so if there is one--let me know. but until that day imma just sit here confused as fuck

-ok so imma just be real, the whole ‘ultima’ thing is just... not great. in my opinion, anyways. like... i saw someone mention this in another post, but if this ultima stuff was like, a really big deal, why isnt it mentioned in mcd? though i suppose since its a curse of sorts, it could be later on past the time period in which mcd takes place--but even then, how did it manage to make its way into aaron’s family bloodline? 

-WHY IS EVERYONE AT STARLIGHT ITS JUST SO CONVINIENT like what happened to this place being the most expensive shit on the planet or whatever, and how the gang happens to run into like, the werewolf trio and blaze and kai and guy and nate all of these people like god damn life doesnt WORK LIKE THAT 

-im sorry but turning people into relics? thats... thats the best you could come up with? plus, like, how does that even work? in mcd it’s established that relics are separate entitles that choose their wielder, based on a ‘personal’ connection (being a descendent of a previous wielder) or if they’re a good match personality and (i think?) moral wise. so the whole turning-people-into-relics doesnt make much sense to be honest. 

-irene really over here using her god powers to only keep her friends alive like god damn not a great god if you ask me 

-can i talk about how incredibly predictable aphmaus death was? like i just kinda sat there waiting for it to happen and when it did i literally went “haha! wonder when she’ll be revived” because god forbid we actually kill off characters 

-when aphmau + demon warlock fought in the irene dimension there was no passage of time whatsoever in the real world whiiiiiiiiich really bothers me because they fought in there for at least a few minutes

-speaking of aphmau and the demon warlocks fight does it bother anyone else that it had to be aaron who took over the fight?? like we get it hes the big protector blah blah blah but god damn it wouldve been cooler if aphmau had fought this battle as her. aaron fighting this battle was so underwhelming

-...love. like, thats the only thing thats needed to break out of a forever potion? love? LIKE YEAH, GOOD GUYS GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW, but its just so cliche and overdoneeee

-oh yeah and also when travis went bonkers and became the demon warlock or whatever, why’d he only take over katelyn and garroth?? like, zane had been influenced by the potions in the past as well? DONT GET ME WRONG--i do love some good brother edge, but uh, the demon warlock was just bein kinda a dumbass by not possessing zane too just sayin’

-can aaron please go to fucking jail for mass murder now like holy shit, he just got sent home on a fuckin boat. also why did blaze forgive him for killing him thats not even remotely realistic. then again, nothing in mystreet has ever been realistic when it comes to characters and motives and personalities, (cough katelyn being actually abusive and travis being an actual pervert) but yknow whatever

-katelyn and kawaii chan literally added nothing to the plot whatsoever. like lets be real, katelyn lost her personality the moment season 5 started and kawaii chan just kinda sits there :I

-ok im sorry this was bound to come up but cmon guys imagine laurances potential if he was in season 6 like god damn this is beyond maddening. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY REALLY COOL PARRALLEL?? IF IT WAS LAURANCE WHO SNAPPED GARROTH OUT OF HIS MIND CONTROL THING, because it would mimic laurance’s speech to get garroth to snap out of his rage in season 1, episode 100 of minecraft diaries. like how fuckin rad would that have been? missed opportunity 

-also?? why does kim/ghost know magicks?? like, if i remember correctly, emmalyn is a scholar--not someone who knew magicks. i mean, i guess research? study?? but its been established that knowing how magicks works =/= being able to use magicks. i dunno, just doesnt seem right i guess. maybe its explained, i wouldnt know (yes i know that makes me look like a dick leave me alone)

-melissa should have stayed dead. LIKE, NO, ITS NOT AS SIMPLE AS “haha it takes more than a few bullets to kill me”??? look ive got nothing wrong with melissa (cough lie cough) but yknow it would have just been cool a character... stay dead? for once? its just too fuckin cliche that shes alive god damn

-can i also just say the only good thing that came out of season 6 was travis’ dads sacrifice like damn that made me actually sad

-howww was lucinda turned into a relic. or yknow, anyone else? like im sure they explain it better in the actual show i just dont remember, but its just that easy? turning anyone into a relic? granted, a normal person wouldnt be able to produce a good relic, but idk man. IM JUST SAYING; that the only really powerful relics that aphmau should have been able to wield is the one that aaron + zane produced because shad relic and esmund relic moment. lucinda isnt even like, connected to a divine warrior. ALSO, another point, if its seriously that powerful of a relic getting one from just a magic user like lucinda, why go through the trouble? i mean i guess ofc youd want the “all powerful” one that the ultima produces but i mean damn whats the point

-ok this is just going to bother me but in one of the episodes (i think might have been in season 5 actually) where that like, guardian dude was chasing aphmau and zane and at one point they split up and the dude just chuckles at zane diverting paths and goes under his breath “youre not the important one here”, suggesting that aphmau somehow is? first of all, id argue that any ro’meave is significantly more important than aphmau was, especially not knowing much about her other than that shes with aaron. i might be missing some bits an pieces, but if i was that dude id forget about aphmau and go after zane 

-killing off derek for shock factor sucked, and i know the moment was supposed to be really sad because like “oh :( aarons dad is sacrificing himself for his son” but lets be real dereks still was a shitty father and i dont think his reasons for doing what he did was very good at all

-less about plot or more like: why the absolute fuck did the gang bring kim along instead of, oh i dont know, a life-long friend? like, laurance or dante maybe?? im sure its explained, i never saw aphmaus year or most of season 5, but god DAMN id hate to be apart of this friend group AND GOD LIKE, imagine reconnecting with an old friend who ends up getting closer to your best friends and taking priority in their lives over you (cough laurance) like god damn lol

-im just going to preface this one with: i dont remember everything that’s happened, so if im wrong i apologize in advance--but (you actually can correct me if im wrong and please do) didnt like, irene reincarnate her friends in order to give them better lives? I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE, ITS JUST WHAT I REMEMBER--however, if im correct, then:

a. why the hell would she bring back someone like zane, or gene, or ivy, etc.

b. why the hell do they all have the same exact names? first and last? again, im aware that the whole mystreet+mcd tie wasn’t originally supposed to be there, but i dont think that means such a coincidence can be excused? its just a bit much if you ask me.

c. why the hell is the fact that (as much as i literally hate this) aaron is a decedent of shad being ignored? like, you’d think that something like this would be something thats actually important, or something the demon warlock couldve taken advantage of. or are we completely erasing every other connections to divine warriors besides aphmau + irene? because even if irene did reincarnate them or do whatever it is she did, does she even have the power to sever the connections between them and their ancestors? my guess is, no.

d. speaking of irene why on earth was aphmau able to talk to/see irene, they’re literally the same person are they not? did she like, fuckin reincarnate herself without actually doing it?? BUT--i will give it to them, the demon warlock did refer to aphmau as something along the lines of being “one of the 3 parts of her broken soul” or something like that. however, my point still remains. also what are the other two did i miss that or is it never explained

now; if irene in fact did not ‘reincarnate’ her friends then please ignore that little bit right there :)

but yes, those are a few of the problems i have with season 6 off the top of my head. i would go into like, season 4 and 5 more as well, but i honestly didnt feel like it. at some point i might go into other things, like how important laurance could have been to the plot of these later seasons, or HELL, even dante. i might also go into what could have made season 4, 5, and 6 actually good--maybe... a rewrite? perhaps? but im getting too far ahead of myself, so i just leave you with this for now.

and i know that as soon as i post this 15 more things are just going to pop into my head BUT im going to try and not edit this post because why stress myself with that even more

anyways thank you for coming to my tedtalk