#spare me the heartbreak of investing more energy into it?

[bansheesofinisherin2022]

do me friends hate me? what are the signs? i feel like they are avoiding me.......

[situationandmetropolitan]

If you are looking for a guy in finance, don't.

Why is it always the men you didn't even find that attractive ending up hurting you the most?

I am yet again finding myself alone with mascara marks running down my face. The hellish difficulty level of modern day dating as a 30 something year old is a tale that skips like my most overplayed Taylor Swift vinyl record. But unlike one of the most successful billionaire pop sensation, her heartbreaks are sang by millions around the world, while I'm typing alone in this new personal blog; similar to Taylor Swift, I also am lucky enough to be at the company of my cat.

The hero, or shall we say the antagonist, of the story today, is this dashingly successful old-school investment banker, for the sake of the story, we shall just call him Banker, I am too polite to use the W word that would rhyme.

In classic 2024 fashion, I met Banker online. We were both working insane hours, and found comfort in each others' company in the hours past midnight through neverending text exchanges and personal stories. Our first date happened on a whim. I had just finished bowling and dinner with a group of friends, didn't want to head home, he had just finished work, so we agreed to meet up at this shabby cocktail bar with very limited drink choices. I remember the first thought I had seeing him in person was he's shorter than I imagined, second thought was huh he's got a disporportionally big head. It was almost a relief to feel I don't find him that physically attractive, without a stable job at the time, I didn't think I had any spare energy for anything more than a casual fling.

The conversation went on and on and on til the bar was closing down, this would be an usual occurance for our dates. We had talked about my dating experience with finance bros, his bad dating experiences back home, my spineless Aussie boss that got me laid off, and my gripe against Australians, for context, Banker is from down south. He would sympathize with my experience, and give me unsolicited, and probably inappropriate geo-cultrual background of different Aussie cities and what people from there are like ('Men from Adelaide are all cowards, they're just like that"). When he walked me home, gentlemanly ('Let me walk you to roughly where you live, I'm not asking you to show me exact location or anything.'), it was already 3 in the morning.

If I'd to be completely honest, I was intrigued but not super impressed. He was nice enough to listen to me, nice enough to pay for the bill, but I couldn't get over how judgemental he was, and, shameful to admit, how short he was, and of course, who can forget, the disporportional big head.

I went out with him again the coming Tuesday because we had already arranged and booked it even before our first date. I had been caught up in 2 very demanding project at the time, but didn't want to cancel because I hated, still do, canceling on people. We met up at this punk themed fushion Japanese restaurant. Right of the bat, I told him I've only got 2 hours because of work, and to my surprise, he even set an alarm for me on his phone.

Again the conversation flowed effortlessly. We people watched a bit and judged a group of strangers together. He was wearing this ridiculously formal suit, juxtaposing my super casual T-shirt and jeans, looked so out of place in the graffiti and sticker covered restaurant, with a full-size harley on display and Blink-182 blasting in the background. He seemded to take it as a mission to get me home in time. I said it's ok I could take a bus, but he insisted to share a taxi with me since it was quicker and he lived on the way. Before he got off the taxi, he handed me some cash to cover the taxi fee, which again, consistant with his old-fashioned gentleman behavior. I even joked, I usually charge more than that, and he giggled.

The third time we went out, would be the first time we kissed. We went to this quaint wine and dine bar, he loves wine. He'd order for the both of us, with my permission of course, and would serve the food on my plate first. I think that gesture might be the first time i felt impressed. In hindsight, it was never him always paying the bill, or his metal Amex card, or his fancy sea view apartment, it was always the small gestures made me felt he was taking care of me, that got me deeply hooked.

On that date, he'd start to share very intimate stories with me, about his family, his upbringing, his dad's unhinged cheating stories, which encouraged me to share my dad's physically abusive tendencies, and his cheatings. Then we'd start talking about politics. I think that was the moment he found himself genuinely attracted to me, I could see it from the most cliched spark in his eyes. He kissed me there with this intense passion, as the restaurant's waiters were burning our skulls with irritated stares, because as stated before, we've overstayed their business hours. As we were heading out, I was fully prepared to grab an uber home and call it a night. But my lightweight wobbly body disagreed with me. So I told him, I know you live close, I really need to lie down, this does not mean I'm sleeping with you, I purely, just need to lie down. So we went to his place, it was this incredible spacious 2 bedroom with open kitchen modern high rise apartment, overlooking the gorgeous skyline and the ocean. But I was too drunk out of my mind to look at any of that, I just saw he's got a playstation 5, and I wanted give it a go.

That night he was respective to my boundary, not with acceptable amount of trying though. It was too much alcohol, or unfamiliar environment, or his heavy breathing, or his cuddling, I didn't sleep at all. Around 6 am in the morning, I decided to take my exhausted body to somewhere I'm guaranteed a sound sleep - the sofa. That was when I noticed his book collection, many, many language variations of 1984 by George Orwell, together with Animal Farm, some classics, and also a poem collection by Keats. It was brand new. I wanted him to see me first thing in the morning, in the soft sunlight, reading poetry, in his oversized tshirt, like a scene straight out of a rom com, so I went to the bathroom to apply some light makeup.

He didn't wake up for at least another 3 hours, and poetry and Keats could start get boring after 3 hours. I had texted him jokingly, 'still asleep, so lazy, how very un investment banker of you'. When he finally woke up and stepped out of his undecorated bare minimum white bedroom, he had this most squished facial expression and simply asked me 'you alright?'. Not very romantic.

That morning, we had coffee together, watched Peep Show together, had takeout McDonald's, he worked a bit, until I had to go meet with my friend. 'I just realized this is the first time I'm seeing you in daylight.' I said, to which he agreed.

I think the anxiety came right after that day. He started to text me less, I'd wait for hours only to get a one sentence, or sometimes even 2 words reply. I'd check with him is everything ok? He'd only say yeah just work being busy. Then my past experiences of people ghosting me started to creep up on me. I'd start to spiral wondering if it was me rejecting sex, if I did anything wrong in the morning, was I not super ladylike chugging down the big mac.

When he still didn't ask me out on Thursday, I panicked. On Friday, I couldn't wait anymore for the other shoe to drop, so I asked him out for dinner on Saturday. To my pleasant surprise, he said yes.

It was this family run French bistro, quite pricy, but the food and drinks definitely matched the price. The joy seeing him walking into the restaurant shocked me, I wasn't expecting to be this happy to see him. It was in that restaurant I learned how particular he was about food ('Escargot needs to be presented in their shells so that I know it's fresh.'). Not surprised, very onbrandly rigid.

That night after dinner, we walked to a 7/11 to grab some lemon ice cream, then walked to the seaside, sat by the bay, next to all the kids and teenagers, old men fishing, families fishing. We saw an old uncle catching squids, the ink dyed the tinest area of the opaque ocean water black, easy to overlook, but I noticed it. Inking is the cephalopod's distress signal, fighting for its life. Perhaps I should've got the message and made a run then and there, but he interupted my octopus stories with kisses by the saltwater, so maybe it was already too late.

On our taxi ride back to his place, he did the Tom putting his hand down for Shiv thing from Succession finale, again, a giant sign that in hinsight I should've caught on, but at that moment, I vividly recall was the first time I felt the butterflies. We slept together that night, he came within like 2 minutes. It was a huge ego boost for me, to know that I've concqured a man that couldn't handle me in bed, to falsely think that I've got him wrapped around my fingers now.

Oh boy was I wrong.

The lack of texting or communication never picked up afterwards like I hoped it would, he never asked me out again like I hoped he would. The more distance there was, the more obsessed I became.

My friend would tell me, as a feminist as you claim yourself to be, if you want to see him, you should have no problem asking him out, which made me question a lot of my self-imposed disapointment. Yeah I am a feminist, a feminist don't wait around for guys to ask me out, a feminist go get what I want, a feminist shall not ponder but ask straightforward questions. And that's what I did. And I am so close to take the lesson of this experience as - feminists don't understand men.

So week after week, I asked him out, I made plans. I got him mini presents from my travels to Shanghai and Tokyo (side bar, I shared the same flight to Tokyo with his dad, which was an invisible string moment overly romanticized by me at the time). We slept together again and again, the sex picked up, one evening, I, eager to prove that I'm a true feminist, even laid all my cards on the table, and asked him to date exclusively, to which he gladly agreed.

But yet again, the lack of texting or communication never picked up afterwards like I hoped it would, he never asked me out again like I hoped he would. The anxiety of him ditching me for someone else, just evovled into the anxiety of him taking me for granted and not care about me at all.

In our 3 months situationship, this anxiety was painfully prominent, but I only brought up with him once. Maybe it's my fear of conflict, or fear of abandonment, or maybe it's me wanting to show I'm 'mature' enough to know I should be able to manange my own emotions, or maybe it's because everytime I'm determined to bring it up in person, I see his somehow-became-charming-to-me disporportionally big head and heavily waxed plastic hair, and all the frustration went away I'm left with nothing but affection. Or maybe it's because I don't know where I'm going in life, so I didn't feel I'm entitled to any voice in this situationship. I don't have a straightforward answer.

Which leads us to the night that changed everything.

2 weeks ago, we met up for wine after his weekly family meal. According to Banker, he was already a bit tipsy. As per usual, we talked a little bit about politics, i laughed at him being so out of touch with real people's real life, living in his above the cloud fancy mansion doing his handsomely paid banking job. Then it happened, he cracked. Prior to that night, he had shared a lot of stories of his life, his family. But that's all there is, stories, things that happend TO him. This time, he shared the things deep down ABOUT him. He told me his mom was having a very difficult time as a single mother with 3 kids, his dad was not around, so from then, he decided to do everything in his power to take care of them, as the man of the family. He went into finance for the money, he told me he felt like his entire goal was to pay off his mother's morgage, then he could die for all he cared. It hit me, at this moment Banker stopped being the banker, he became a fully fleshed out person, with purpose other than capitalism, with a heart bigger and softer than he ever cared to reveal. I never felt closer to him.

The next day, I talked about this with my friend over dinner, we both agreed something had fundementally shifted in this connection, he's showing vulneralbility and trust, you are actually building something substantial together. So later that day, with this exhilarating revelation in mind, I called him. I told him how much I appreciated him sharing this intimate truth, and I find that really attractive, and I felt we're becoming more closer. Then the cold water hit me like the sudden storm on a beach holiday, he said 'I can't remember what I said.' So it wasn't mutual then, he didn't mean to share it with me, it turned out we had completely different experience and takeaway from the same night. The scale has made it's final tip.

After the next two weeks of unreciprocated communication, which entailed leaving me on read for days, ignoring me for days, not having any time to spend with me, I called him again tonight. It was 1 hour and 9 minutes silent tear masked with the most calm monologue from my side, and him paraphrasing the same sentence over and over again: 'I'm sorry, I thought I've made myself really clear, I'm not in the position for anything serious, it's just work. I know comms has been poor from my end, but work is work, I'm not going to change.'

Which leads us to the begining of this story, sitting in my sofa alone with mascara marks running down my face, typing like a maniac on my laptop. All these time I thought I was competing with other women, when it's always been me competing with his work. Perhaps it was his hardwired mission to take care of his family, seeing that as all there is in life, which in return resulted in him neglecting taking care of himself, which resulted in him rejecting my care for him. Or maybe it's an open shut case of trust the man the first time. However to be fair, I trusted him, I was aligned with him, then I changed, I felt, I saw him.

Maybe somewhere there is a more profound lesson in this experience, but at this moment, my key takeaway is for things to remain purely casual, let your other person stay a cutboard cutout, once you see them as a flesh and blood three dimensional human being, you start to get too emotionally attached. Perhaps that's why I'm never a fan of casual relationship and probably will never try again, that is for it to work, it requires a certain level of dehumanization, and that is something I fundementally cannot stomach.

[leafinthebreeze]

“The road that is recovery from a childhood without a mother’s love, support, and attunement is long and complicated. One aspect of healing that is rarely touched upon is mourning the mother you needed, sought, and — yes — deserved. The word deserved is key to understanding why this remains elusive for many women (and men): They simply don’t see themselves as deserving, because they’ve internalized what their mothers said and did as self-criticism and have wrongly concluded that they’re lacking, worthless, or simply unlovable.

When I learned that my mother was failing 16 years ago, I did not go to see her, even though everyone in my life — including my therapist — thought I should go for “closure.” But I was wise enough to realize that they hadn’t walked my path, and their vision of closure was based on novels and Hollywood movies in which a-ha! moments flourish and mothers always love. In real life, I would ask the question I always wanted to be answered — “Why didn’t you love me?" — and she would refuse to answer, as always, but this time her silence would stretch out into eternity. I didn’t attend her funeral, either. But I did grieve — not for her, but for me and my unmet needs. And the mother I deserved.

"As I started finally to see her for what she was and how she will never be the mother I need and want, I started standing up for myself and setting boundaries, and her anger and insults got worse. Finally, I put my foot down and told her I would no longer tolerate her behavior and stopped all contact. And, NOW, I am really in mourning. I finally acknowledged the truth, and it hurts like hell. And I’m at the age where some of my friends are starting to lose their moms to old age and their stories, of times with their moms, are heartbreaking to me… I guess I just started this mourning process, and I’m still in it." —Annie

Grieving the mother you needed is impeded by both feeling unworthy of love and, more important, what I call the core conflict. This conflict is between the daughter’s growing awareness of how her mother wounded her in childhood and still does, and her continuing need for maternal love and support, even in adulthood. This pits the need to save and protect herself against the continuing hope that, somehow, she can figure out what she can do to get her mother to love her.

This tug-of-war can go on for literally decades, with the daughter retreating and perhaps going no-contact for a period of time and then being pulled back into the maelstrom by the combination of her neediness, hopefulness, and denial. She may paper over her pain and make excuses for her mother’s behavior because her eyes are on the prize: Her mother’s love. She puts herself on an ever-turning Ferris wheel, unable to dismount.

Those who concede the battle — going no contact, or limiting communication with their mothers and usually other family members — experience great loss along with relief. For the daughter to heal, this loss — the death of the hope that this essential relationship can be salvaged — needs to be mourned along with the mother she deserved.

The depth of the core conflict can be glimpsed in the anguish of those daughters who stay in the relationship precisely because they fear they will feel worse when their mothers die.

The stages of grief echo a daughter’s recovery from childhood.

In their book On Grief and Grieving, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler point out that the five stages of loss for which Kübler-Ross is famous — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — aren’t meant “to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.” They instead emphasize that everyone experiences grief in a unique and individual way. Not everyone will go through each stage, for example, and the stages may not necessarily follow in the expected sequence. That said, the stages are still illuminating, especially when seen in the context of an unloved daughter’s journey out of childhood, and they make it clear why mourning is an essential part of healing.

Denial: As the authors write, “It is nature’s way of letting in as much as we can handle.” With the experience of great loss, denial helps cushion the immediate blow, allowing the person to pace the absorption of the reality. That’s true for death, but it also applies to the daughter’s recognition of her woundedness. That’s why it can take years or decades for the daughter to actually see her mother’s behavior with clarity. Counterintuitively, some women actually only see it in hindsight, after their mothers’ deaths.

Anger: In the wake of death, anger is the most accessible of emotions, directed at targets as various as the deceased for abandoning the loved one, God or the forces of the universe, the unfairness of life, doctors and the healthcare system, and more. Kübler-Ross and Kessler stress that beneath the anger lie other, more complex emotions, especially the raw pain of loss, and that the power of the grieving person’s anger may actually feel overwhelming at times.

Unloved daughters, too, go through a stage or even stages of anger as they work through their emotions toward recovery. Their anger may be directed squarely at their mothers for their treatment, at other family members who stood by and failed to protect them, and also at themselves for not recognizing the toxic treatment sooner.

Anger at the self, alas, can get in the way of the daughter’s ability to feel self-compassion; once again, it is the act of mourning the mother you deserved that permits self-compassion to take root and flower.

Bargaining: This stage has to do with impending death most usually — bargaining with God or making promises to change, thinking that “if only” we’d done x or y, we’d be spared the pain of loss. With death, this is a stage to be passed through toward acceptance of the reality. The unloved daughter’s journey is marked by years of bargaining, spoken or unspoken entreaties in the belief that if some condition is met, her mother will love and support her. She may embark on a course of pleasing and appeasing her mother or make changes to her behavior, looking in vain for the solution that will bring the desired end: Her mother’s love. Just as in the process of grief, it’s only when the daughter ceases to bargain that she can begin to accept the reality that she’s powerless to wrest what she needs from her mother.

Depression: In the context of a major loss, Kübler-Ross and Kessler are quick to point out that we are often impatient with the deep sadness or depression that accompanies it. As a society, we want people to snap out of it, or are quick to insist that if sadness persists, it deserves treatment. They write instead that in grief, “Depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervous system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle. They see it as a necessary step in the process of healing.

Acceptance: Most importantly, Kübler-Ross and Kessler are quick to say that acceptance of the reality isn’t a synonym for being all right or even okay with that reality. That’s a key point. It’s about acknowledging the loss, identifying the permanent and even endlessly painful aspects of it, the permanent changes it’s made to your life and you, and learning to live with all of that from this day forward. In their view, acceptance permits us “to withdraw our energy from the loss and begin to invest in life.” Acceptance permits the mourner to forge new relationships and connections as part of their recovery.

What does it mean to mourn the mother you deserved?

Just what it sounds like — to grieve the absence of a mother who listened to you, took pride in you, who needed you to understand her as well as she understood you, a woman willing to own up to her mistakes and not excoriate you for yours, and — yes — someone to laugh and cry with.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201703/daughters-unloving-mothers-mourning-the-mom-you-deserved

[matbarzyy]

Impossible

A/N: If you follow me on main you might know I’ve been obsessed with Impossible by Nothing But Thieves, so I tried to use it to write a fic. It definitely deserves a listen if you wanna have that playing in the background while you read. This is a best friends to lovers fic starting off a lil angsty but it ends well.

Word count: 4358

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Love it stings, and then it laughs

At every beat of my battered heart

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Something was wrong.

You couldn’t tell what it was just yet, but the way Mat was texting you wasn’t normal. He wanted to talk, he tried to keep the conversation going, but the texts were empty of content. It was so unlike Mat that you didn’t realise how worried you were until you tasted blood in your mouth from the way you bit your lip.

He was a ray of sunshine and a dork, always throwing jokes around and acting like an idiot. Seeing Mat sad was a rare occurrence.

You didn’t know what put him in that state but you guessed he needed something to distract himself, so you decided to call him.

“Alright, what’s up with you?” You spoke as soon as Mat picked up the phone. There was a sigh on the other end of the line and a ruffling noise before you heard him.

“Nothing,” He replied weakly, trying to hide a sniffle by putting the phone away from his face. You picked up on it anyway.

“Mat?” Your voice softened and your heart squeezed. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” He admitted, unable to give you a better answer as he lay on his bed without moving, tears streaming down his cheeks.

You took it as a clear no. The only times Mat ever called you to cry were after hockey games he lost, and that was only if he was too far for you to be with him. Whenever he played at home you came to see him and stayed to celebrate or cheer him up depending on the outcome.

“Where are you?” There was no need to ask if he needed you, the answer was obvious, you just had to ask where you had to go.

“Home,”

“I’m coming over, hold on, okay?” You slid into your sneakers as quick as you could, too rushed to undo the laces and put them on properly.

“Okay,” He whispered so low you barely heard him.

He went quiet on the phone and you hung up after promising him you’d be there in no time. You lived close enough to him that you could walk, driving was pointless unless you had a lot to carry. Mat had made you pick this apartment on purpose when you moved to New York, he argued that he’d be close if you ever needed anything, and you had never been more glad to be there.

He was your best friend in school when times were simpler, and he somehow remained your best friend when his hockey career began. Things were different with the distance, but you were the little bit of home he could stay attached to. He had been ecstatic to find out you were joining him in New York after your degree so that you could work on a masters.

Anthony had quickly become one of your best friends too, and you all got along well with Mat’s girlfriend. Lena wasn’t as part of the group as you thought she would be when you first met her, but you didn’t mind it too much. You liked spending time with just Mat and Tito, she was nice but always calm and calculated. It didn’t fit with the spontaneous crackhead energy you shared with the boys.

You often wondered why Mat always reached out to you rather than her. You could understand when he went to Tito, he understood him when it came to hockey and guy things you couldn’t wrap your head around, but you spent endless nights questioning where you fit in the middle of that. Mat never let you feel left out, no matter how invested he was in his relationship he always made time for you.

“I’m here,” You called out when you unlocked the door. You had a spare key from the moment you arrived, officially because he needed someone to have it in case he got locked out, unofficially because he wanted you to be able to come over whenever you wanted. “Hey,” You found him in his bedroom, dried tears on his cheeks as he looked at you with heartbreak written all over his face. “What happened?”

“Lena’s been cheating on me for four months,” Mat whispered, his eyes falling shut as he dug his teeth into his lip to stop himself from crying again. He had been rehearsing the words in his head since you called so that he could tell you, but they still tore at his heart.

“Oh my god,” You sat on the edge of the bed and leaned over to engulf him in a hug. That at least explained why he called you. He needed comfort, and as sweet as Tito was he was also fiercely protective, you knew he’d go rip her apart if he found out now. Mat’s chest shook with small sobs while one of his arms wrapped around you, clinging to you for dear life. “Shit Mat, I’m so sorry,”

“I was- I was just going to surprise her,” He cried against your shoulder, tears beginning to soak your shirt. “And I found them,”

“Come here,” You breathed out as you slid onto the bed more comfortably, letting Mat curl himself against you. You had held him while he cried before, but you had never seen him look that small. “You deserve so much better,”

“I just-” He hiccuped. “I can’t believe she’s been doing this for so long,”

“I know… I don’t even know what to say,”

“Four years,” His words were so choked you barely understood them. He was the most broken you had ever seen him and your heart fell apart for him. No one should have to go through that, but it angered you more than anything that someone as sweet as Mat had to be the one to suffer from it. “I trusted her,”

“I know you did,” You nodded, gently running your fingers through his hair in a way you hoped would soothe him. On some particularly quiet nights at home when you were drunk with no one but him and Tito he liked to rest his head in your lap to make you play with his hair. It wasn’t something Lena really did for him, he had told you one day, but he never let himself be that close to you when people were around in case pictures circulated and she became unbelievably jealous again.

They had a fight about it once, and you wished you realised how horrible she was back then. She played it off on insecurities when it was pure misplaced jealousy, and you could now add hypocrisy to that. Mat was a good boyfriend, reassuring her and talking to you about it to make sure you’d know not to be too touchy when she was around.

It should have clicked in your head that she didn’t belong with him at all when he was forced to hide his affection for you and any other woman in his life. Tito might have been a bit smarter than you about it, he never even tried to take a liking to her while you made efforts to get along with her for Mat’s sake.

“I don’t want to fall in love ever again.” He sniffled against your shoulder, only calming down for a second before his sobs became louder.

There was nothing you could do except hold him through the rest of the night.

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Somebody told me and I think they’re right

There is a change on its way tonight

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It took a few months for Mat to feel better. He kept blaming himself, trying to find where he went wrong, and it took many pep talks from you to remind him that he was worth more than that. None of it was his fault, Lena was a heartless liar using him, and she didn’t deserve all of the tears he shed over her.

Tito helped too, joining your efforts as soon as he found out. Between the both of you Mat got plenty of encouragement and love, it was at least enough for him to appear fine to everyone else around him. Only you and Tito got his late night phone calls and texts when he got in his head and began blaming himself for everything that ever went wrong in his life.

Girls were still flirting with him, some of them asking him out on dates, but he turned them all away without a care. You thought he might get into a bit of a fuckboy phase to take his mind off things, but even that didn’t happen.

Neither you or Tito pushed it, he needed patience.

“You’re in love with him,” Tito accused you one night. He was the only one still sitting at the table you had secured in the bar for the rest of the team and their significant others. There was enough space that everyone was standing and mingling around the room. You were practically filling the whole bar anyway, there weren’t many other customers.

“That obvious, uh?” You gave him a weak smile, glancing in Mat’s direction.

“You’ve only been giving him all of your time and attention for the past year,” He shrugged. “I figured it out after I saw you turn down three dates the first month you were here,”

“Nice catch, I barely had it figured out for myself then,” You admitted, taking a weight off your shoulders. You had never been able to confess your feelings for Mat to anyone before. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that Tito was the one to figure it out. “I just don’t want him to know yet,”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s too scared to fall for anyone again, or I would have told him already,” You saw him down the rest of his drink and laugh loudly at something one of his friends said, and that sound alone made a smile appear on your lips.

“He trusts you though,” Tito brought you back to the conversation. He had spent enough time with you to know, and he wished the two of you could see things as clearly as he did.

“Not to let himself love me as more than just a friend,” You sighed, your heart squeezing at the thought. “I know what he’s going through, well, not to that extent, but yeah, I know the kind of trust issues that come with it,” You had spent a long time getting over an ex who only cheated with a kiss, and you had barely been with him for six months back then. You could only imagine what it did to Mat to find out his girlfriend of four years lied to his face for four months straight.

“I honestly believe he already has feelings for you, he just won’t act on them just yet,”

“Maybe… Either way, all I can do is wait until he notices,” You could still give him time. You didn’t blame him for keeping his distance, as much as it hurt you had seen the damage his last relationship had done to him and you were willing to wait. You couldn’t see yourself falling for anyone else, Mat was the only one in your heart.

“Mat might act like an idiot all the time but he pays attention to people, he knows how much you care about him,” Tito assured you. You didn’t see it, but Mat was always looking at you and turning to you for everything. You were more than just his best friend and it was painfully obvious.

Mat wasn’t doing it subconsciously either. He was all too aware of your feelings for him, and he fought with himself trying to repress his own for a long time.

You were his best friend back home, but ever since you came to New York you had become so much more than that. Even when his relationship still held up you were the person he shared everything with. You and Tito were his favorite people, he constantly hung out with you without realising what you truly meant to him. Tito was like a brother but it was different with you.

Accepting his feelings for you while getting over his ex was a lot to handle, but he eventually got there. There was only so much patience you could have, he was scared it would wear off before he grew the balls to jump in and tell you the truth.

He could see you sitting with Tito while he was out there drinking, and he couldn’t help but walk over. There was no way for him to enjoy his night unless you did too.

“Come on, you’re missing out on all the fun,” He cheerfully grabbed your hand and pulled you up from the table, motioning for Tito to join.

“Someone’s drunk,” You chuckled when he wrapped an arm around you and pulled you into his chest. Drunk Mat was always extra needy.

“Only a little,” He grinned down at you.

His loud laugh echoed through the room when you took the opportunity to tickle his sides, and he jumped away from you with a squeal. It was the most beautiful sound, one you had missed for a whole month when he never let himself be truly carefree.

“See! This is why I can never bring you to work related stuff!” He tried to retaliate but you blocked his hands, wriggling around until he gave up and put his arm around your waist.

“Why, because I always make sure we have a good time when we’re out?” You laughed at the memories of all the stupid things you had done together when he was supposed to act professional. Granted, trying to see which one of you could catch the most olives in their mouth while the other threw them hadn’t been your smartest idea, but that dinner had been boring and the backlash had been worth it.

“More like because he can’t focus on shit if you’re around,” Tito muttered and you bit your lip in response, wondering if that was really the case. Mat was just Mat around you, but was he different when you weren’t there?

“Something like that,” The brown haired giant remained oblivious to his best friend’s words, too drunk and excited to notice. “But now you need a drink!”

“I’m driving you home, dumbass,” You laughed and resisted his grip while he tried to drag you towards the bar.

“We can uber!” Mat’s face lit up like the idea made him a genius, and you had a hard time not turning into a puddle at the sight. He was so cute it was unfair.

“And leave my car here? I don’t think so,”

“Tito, help me,” Mat looked to his friend, puppy eyes at their finest, to convince him.

“I only had one beer, I can drive,” The man sighed, rolling his eyes at Mat’s behaviour. It was the best compromise so that you wouldn’t have to leave your car and Mat could get his way.

If he could anything that might finally get you two together he’d do it. He was sick of watching you like this when you should obviously be a couple. As stupid as it was, he hoped the alcohol would help you loosen up and get closer. Mat hadn’t been with anyone in a long time and he was obviously lonely, there was a solid chance you’d at least be cuddling by the end of the night.

“You don’t have to,” You tried to ignore the hand that tugged on your arm, making sure Tito was okay with not drinking for the rest of the night. You promised you’d drive, you didn’t want to ruin his fun.

“I don’t really want to drink more, you’re good, go,” He gave you a gentle push, and a second later you were stumbling after Mat because he often forgot how strong his grip was.

“Two shots of tequila and a rum and coke please,” He asked a little louder than he needed to, but the bartender clearly didn’t mind. The guys tipped well when they were out, and since the whole team was filling the bar you knew the whole staff was happily making more money than on regular nights.

“You really think you should be drinking tequila?” You laughed at his state, knowing he was only about to get worse. You didn’t mind it, he was always closer when drunk, clinging to you like a baby, and there was nothing you craved more than his hugs.

“Nope, that’s all for you,” He handed a bill to the bartender to pay for the drinks. “You need to catch up,”

“You’re going to be the reason I die one of these days,”

“Promise I’ll make sure you get home in one piece,” His lips pressed against your temple and you melted into him. He’d always make sure you were safe.

You didn’t know what to do with the mixed signals you got from him. Tito was right, you were almost sure he had feelings for you, but you wondered if he would ever act on them or if he would only want to keep you as a friend. You could only have your hopes up for so long.

The shots were placed down in front of you before you could let yourself overthink things more, and you took both with a grimace under Mat’s stare.

He was trying his best not to let himself ruin a potential relationship with you. He knew he loved you, but getting with you before he was ready would be a mistake. You were more than a rebound and you deserved to be treated right. Mat couldn’t be the one for you until he fixed himself, but knowing that gave him the energy to be better. He let himself slip into the depth of the love he felt for you, allowing himself to fall a little further every day until he was so in love with you he knew he could never go back.

The night ended as predicted, you and Mat were so drunk you laughed constantly and could barely walk, Tito tried his best to be patient as he helped you both to the car.

“Guys,” He groaned as you stopped once again, doubling over into a fit of laughter at something he didn’t understand. He was mostly amused but had to act serious for either of you to listen to him. “Come on, hop in,”

“Thanks Tito,” You gave him a big hug while Mat opened the car’s door.

“Yeah yeah,” He rubbed your back with a chuckle. “Get in there and hug Mat,” He guided you to the backseat where Mat already was, leaving the passenger seat empty.

“Tito said I should hug you,” You leaned over to him and rested your head on his shoulder as you did so.

He only hummed in response, wrapping his arms around you while Tito started the car. It would be a short drive to Mat’s place, and the three of you knew there’d be no need to drive to yours. Tito’s car was at Mat’s because you had picked them up there to come to the bar, so he’d be able to drive home and leave your car where you’d spend the night.

Getting up to Mat’s apartment was surprisingly easy. Your energy had died down in the car and you were both just dying to get in bed. Tito had to fight a little to get you both to drink water while you complained you were hungry, so he promised to make you food if you both just went to bed.

“Alright, everyone comfy?” Tito had to stop himself from rolling his eyes when he found you settled under the covers together. Mat was shirtless and you were in one of his t-shirts, you couldn’t look more like a couple. “Here,” He let you both sit up against the headboard before handing you plates.

“You’re ‘e ‘est” Mat dug in and spoke with his mouth half full of his sandwich. You nodded after him, looking up at the blue eyed man.

“Drink some more water before you fall asleep, okay?” He chuckled as he thought that soon enough all of your nights would look like this. You might have thought that Mat needed more time but Tito could see he didn’t, he had already let himself fall for you, you just had to let it happen.

.

I could drown myself in someone like you

I could dive so deep I never come out

.

Dinner at Mat’s was common, but a homemade dinner at Mat’s wasn’t. You didn’t hide your surprise when you smelled chocolate brownies baking in the oven as you walked in on a Friday night. Mat rarely went through the trouble of making food himself when he could get it cooked by someone else who would know how to prepare it right.

He had texted you to come over early during the week, so you knew he had this planned and it wasn’t just another spontaneous night you’d spend together.

“You cooked?” You took a look at what was in the oven while he stood by the stove.

“Um, yeah,” He scratched the back of his head nervously, moving a pan off the heat while you smiled.

“It smells good,” You reassured him and earned a relieved sigh. You had teased him about his cooking skills hundreds of times, but he really had tried tonight.

You sat with him like everything was normal although the dinner and bottle of red on the table told you it wasn’t. Mat was a nervous wreck, glancing at the candles he had left unlit on a shelf because he knew it’d be too much to add them to the table.

You carried the conversation easily through the beginning of the meal, giving him some more time to say what he needed to. You could see he had something to get off his chest, but you didn’t try to push it until dessert. You could barely believe he was serving you a homemade brownie with freshly cut strawberries and your favorite brand of vanilla ice cream.

He was slowly turning quiet, obviously thinking too hard.

“What is it?” You bumped your foot into his to get his attention.

Mat finally looked up from his dessert, taking a deep breath in before letting the words flow out.

“I’ve fallen for you so damn hard,” He put his spoon down, looking at you with a slightly awkward smile. Mat was rarely shy around you, but there he was, knee bouncing under the table and running his hand through his hair too many times.

“The feeling’s mutual,” You abandoned the rest of your dessert to focus on him with a soft smile. You thought you’d feel butterflies or excitement when it finally happened, but Mat’s confession only brought warmth to you. It made you feel like everything was finally falling into place.

“I know,” He breathed out, reaching for your hand across the table. It wasn’t the first time he held it, but it was the first time he let himself get amazed by how small it was in his. “I just… I thought it was impossible, I didn’t want that again. But you’ve got more patience than anyone else I know and… and you made it all possible,”

“I knew you’d need time to come around,” You ran your thumb over the back of his hand, looking straight into his eyes. Mat felt his heart melt at the sight, it was like you had known this would happen all along while he wondered if he was meant to be single for the rest of his life.

“I didn’t think I would,” He honestly answered, knowing he could voice his insecurities around you without fear of being judged. You had been his rock this whole time, his steady while he was a mess. “And I probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for you. You’ve pulled me out of my head so many times, so thank you,”

“Come here,” You pushed your chair back and got up while Mat mirrored your movements.

He pulled you into a tight hug almost instantly, placing a soft kiss on top of your head while you rubbed soothing circles on his back. There wasn’t a lot you needed to say once you were there, holding each other.

“I love you,” He gave you a gentle squeeze, the words floating in the air for less than a second before you replied.

“I love you too,” You pulled away to look at him, cupping his cheek and feeling him lean into your touch. “And I know how much it takes for you to say that, so thank you, for trusting me,”

“I’ve always trusted you,”

The tip of his nose touched yours and you both smiled, letting your eyes fall shut before your lips finally met.

In all of the years you had known Mat you had never exchanged a kiss, not even during a dumb drinking game. You had only imagined this moment a million times, and now that it was finally happening you could barely think.

His lips were soft, the stubble growing on his face tickled your skin, and it all felt like perfection. Nothing could have ever prepared you for what it’d be like to kiss the person you were in love with.

“Wow,” Mat whispered as he pulled away, his hands trembling slightly.

“Yeah,” You chuckled before a frown appeared in your face. “Hey,” You got him to look at you rather than his feet. “What are you so nervous for? It’s just me,”

“Sorry, I’m, uh, all out of practice when it comes to that stuff,” He admitted, his hands coming to your waist to hold you.

“How about we clean up and get on the couch so you can get practice again, mmh?” You kissed his cheek and instantly got a smile back on his face.

“That sounds perfect.”

.

Please reblog guys! Feedback and comments are always super encouraging and help me write more

[violethowler]

A Farewell to Agents of SHIELD

I originally wrote this after last year’s San Diego Comic Con to process my reaction to the announcement that Season 7 would be the end of the show. I ended up not doing anything with it, but now that we finally have a start date for the season I wanted to share it now:

On Thursday July 18th, Marvel TV head Jeff Loeb announced that Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., the first TV show ever released as part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, would come to an end following the conclusion of its seventh season in 2020. Despite the unexpectedness of the announcement, the fandom wasn’t completely caught of guard. After the show had moved from the standard 22-episode season to a 13-episode summer season,we were expecting the show to only last a few more years. But that did not make the announcement any less emotional.

For me personally, I was stunned at first. I even let loose the waterworks for a few minutes. After the show was renewed for Season 7 before the sixth season had even aired, I suspected that we would only have one or two more years left with the characters I’ve grown to love. But I still felt overwhelmed by the finality that the show’s ending had been officially confirmed.

Once the shock of the announcement faded, though, I was able to calm myself. It was something that we had all known was in the cards since the Season 7 renewal back in November 2018. To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty sure most of us were surprised the show had even lasted as long as it did.

After the first few episodes when the show premiered back in 2013, critics and comic fans quickly turned from praising the show to harshly criticizing week after week. They all felt that the season’s overarching story arc felt like it was spinning its wheels, and despite the initial expectations of more direct tie ins with the movies and appearances by notable comic characters, the first season felt more like a case-of-the-week show focused on a group of original characters that die-hard comic fans had no inclination to care about. 

While those critics and fans bailed on the show over disappointed expectations, those of us who stuck around were rewarded for our patience in the second half of the season, when the release of Captain America: The Winter Soldier allowed the show to finally peel back the curtain on the season’s overall mystery and set up an exciting new conflict for the episodes to come.

The reveal that HYDRA had been hiding within S.H.I.E.L.D. for decades, and the spy agency’s subsequent dissolution at the end of the 2014 Captain America film, breathed new life into the show and the characters. The reveal that Grant Ward had been an undercover HYDRA agent all along would drive the conflict for not only the rest of the season, but for future seasons to come.

Despite the boost the HYDRA reveal gave it, by the end of Season 1, we were uncertain whether Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. would ever be renewed for a second season. Things had been mostly wrapped up as far as the season’s main arc was concerned, but the last episode had also set up new conflicts and new mysteries that needed to be answered. Fortunately for those dedicated fans, a few weeks later it was announced that the show would be back for at least one more year.

When Season 2 arrived that September, it came with a new direction and energy that kept the story moving along at a brisk pace and avoided unnecessarily prolonging arcs. Now that the writers were no longer hampered by having to avoid spoilers for a major Marvel movie, they had the freedom to spread things out and reveal plot points and mysteries in a more organic way.

After Season 2 ended on two cliffhangers, again we feared that the show would be cancelled. The announcement that the show had been renewed for Season 3 was a relief.

For the last several years, this pattern has persisted, with the fandom constantly fearing the ax of cancellation season after season, but the show still managing to retain a strong enough following to keep coming back. And each season, the show continued to improve itself into one of the best comic book shows on television. It was smart, funny, and self-aware enough to point out when things get ridiculous without ever coming across as insincere.

While Marvel’s live-action series on Netflix like Daredevil, Jessica Jones, and Luke Cage all debuted to critical acclaim, I could never get into them the way that everyone around me seemed to. I could see from an objective standpoint why these characters and their stories appealed to people, but there was a spark which these shows lacked that kept me from fully engaging with them.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. not only had that spark, it grew that spark into a roaring flame that it continued to keep burning all the way through to Season 6. In the early days I figured the show would either end with three seasons, or its series finale would tie in with what is now Avengers Endgame (back then it was just Infinity War Part 2). But now that it’s officially been cancelled, I’m glad that it lasted as long as it did.

With the announcement of Disney’s new streaming service Disney+, the Netflix shows began dropping like flies. First Luke Cage was cancelled. Then Iron Fist. Followed by Daredevil and the Punisher, with Jessica Jones the last to fall. It seemed as if any Marvel content that wasn’t going to be on Disney+ was having its plug pulled, leaving Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s small but active fanbase fearing once more for the future of our series.

The end of Season 5 had largely wrapped up all of the show’s loose ends with a few avenues left open for things to continue. Though Season 6 had already been announced at the time “The End” aired, the episode had been written and filmed under the assumption that it would serve as a series finale if the show didn’t get renewed. So we were all concerned that Season 6 could end on a cliffhanger and then be cancelled before the story could be resolved.

The news in November 2018 that the show would also be getting a seventh season was cause for celebration, not just at the fact that the story would continue, but that whatever was happening behind scenes with Marvel and the Netflix shows, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. would be spared from cancellation for the time being.

It is a source of triumphant irony that the show critics and audiences turned on and wrote off early on managed to outlast all of Marvel’s other shows. The Netflix shows have come and gone, but Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D is still here, chugging along like The Little TV Show That Could. Runaways ended with its third season in late 2019, and Cloak and Dagger was cancelled after its second. WandaVision, Loki, and Falcon & the Winter Soldier are premiering on Disney+ within the next year, but it will be a long time before any of them are able to top Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. in terms of both the number of years they’ve been “on the air” and in terms of the number of episodes released.

For one hundred twenty-three episodes, the amazingly talented cast and crew have been delivering one standout performance after another, continuing to keep audiences invested in their characters on an emotional level through all the drama and comedy and action and heartbreak. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. continues to be one of – if not the greatest comic book show on television, and I have full faith that the cast and crew will finish things off with style. It’s been one hell of a ride with this show, and I’m going to miss it when it ends.

[singofsolace]

Ok, this is simply too good for coherent thought, so prepare for some Gertrude Stein level stream of consciousness! First, Zelda ‘unburdening herself’ about her previous pregnancies, followed by the way she immediately apologised and deflected with a little light teasing was utterly heartbreaking. It shows how often she has had to do that. Her concern over Lilith’s black eye was such a sweet moment! The gentleness of her touch, the fear that Faustus has targeted Lilith, Lilith’s response to

soft!Zelda... just wonderful! And then Marie! You do an incredible job of mastering her voice and I love the way you flesh out her character in the backstory, tying in a bit of canon and a bit of Skye’s real life. Lilith and Zelda both getting a wee bit jealous over the attention Marie shows the other & doing so in a nontoxic way is perfection! And the there’s that heart-stopper of an ending! Is Leticia ok? Is Prudence ok? Where are they? What has Faustus done/is Faustus doing? I have so many questions and I just can’t get enough of this story!!!

Yay!! Thank you so much. This review of the latest chapter of Sir, Spare Your Threats made my day. You touch on so much of what I wanted people to glean from the story. 

Not to spoil anything too terribly, but the previous pregnancies ending in miscarriages/stillbirth is going to come up again in a big way--I have a whole reveal of why both Constance and Zelda suffered so much in trying to give Faustus children. 

And since most of the fic is from Lilith’s perspective (with slight deviations when I accidentally float a bit too much into other’s minds--especially Zelda’s) I like to have those moments where Zelda reacts to things that happened which the reader saw, but she didn't, or reveals aspects of her life that Lilith/the audience already knows, but only because Lilith has far more information about Zelda’s life than she probably should. The black eye moment was one of those things where we saw the fight happen, but Zelda only came in at the end of it, so seeing Lilith with a bruise on her face was still quite a shock to her.

Marie’s voice is one of my favorites to write! I draw so much from Skye Marshall’s life, as you’ve noticed, because she just inspires me more and more every day. I have a smattering of French (though my spelling is atrocious, as several commenters have previously pointed out) from my high school days, and it’s just been a delight to find my ear for French phrases and rhythms again.

I’m glad you think the jealousy on both Lilith and Zelda’s ends is nontoxic, because I tried really hard not to make it a completely negative thing. Some jealousy is normal when you're interested in someone, and you can see that others might be interested, too. I think Zelda would never admit it, but she’s far more invested in Lilith than she ever expected to be, so seeing her interact with another woman who has far more history with her was a real eye-opener. And then to have Marie’s affection/attention so immediately turned upon herself as well?! holy mother Sappho, there’s a lot of (healthy) sexual energy and teasing going on, and it’s just delicious, if I do say so myself!

Thanks again for continuing to share your lovely thoughts with me <3

[goodvibesatpeace]

When Your Birthday Is Between 2 Signs: The Cusp Sign Phenomenon

Sometimes people born during the last or first days of a new solar sign, can’t even tell which their zodiac sign is and feel connected to aspects of both astral energies.

Although the rising sign determines the outer you, the ascendant energy that marks the hour of your birth, cusp sign is different; it occurs when the sun position is moving to the next sign in a cycle that varies a little every year.

Meaning that if for example you celebrate your birthday on April 18, it is essential to investigate the sun position to understand if you are predominantly a Ram or a Bull.

On the other hand, if you were born on the border between two signs, it’s possible to identify yourself with both. For example, people who were born on August 20, 21 or 22 can feel identified with Leo and with Virgo at the same time.

I am an Aries Sun but I am on the cusp of being a Taurus Sun, 2 days before the sun moves into Taurus. Meaning I am a Aries-Taurus Cusper. A Mixture between Fire and Earth, the Ram and the Bull.... and ruled by the masculine Mars and the feminine Venus.

Are you one of them? Keep reading.

ARIES – TAURUS: The Cusp of Power...Born between April 18th and April 22nd.

The combination of Aries leadership, with Taurus intelligence, gives them the key to success

They don’t waste time thinking about how they can achieve their goals, they go out and take it.

Hard workers, don’t allow themselves to be easily manipulated with promises or easy money.

They are passionate and caregivers. Always protecting their loved ones. Though they are very ambitious and power-driven, they won’t hesitate a bit when it comes to helping those in need.

Aries is a restless soul, while Taurus is much calmer and passive, but they have something in common, an element that will always turn their lives upside down: love.

TAURUS – GEMINI: The Cusp of Energy... Born between May 18th and May 24th.

The combination of Taurus and Gemini is quite intelligent. Taurus provides stability and Gemini energy, cunning, and personality.

However, people born under Taurus and Gemini cusp can turn out to be a little lazy because they rely more on brains than on effort.

They have great power of conviction to get everything they want.

Taurus brings patience and perseverance, and Gemini knows how to take the bull by the horns helping them to put aside their controlling aspects.

These two brains united in harmony act faster than anyone else’s.

Willing to talk about anything, draw the best conclusions, investigate, and experiment new emotions, Taurus-Gemini love unexpected trips, innovation, and surprises.

GEMINI – CANCER: The Cusp of Magic... Born between June 19th and June 23rd.

People born under the signs of Gemini and Cancer have the power to brighten anyone’s day, even when they’re having a bad one of their own.

Trueborn sentimental, this cusp is very sensitive and very prone to sadness when disappointed.

Couldn’t care less about what other people think.

Anyone born under this Gemini-Cancer combination has a superior intuition capability and a powerful mystic gift which they use to achieve their goals and overcome life’s obstacles.

They reconcile Geminis rationality with Cancer emotionality, generating an intriguing personality that drifts between the sensitive and dark side of the moon, and the eloquent and methodic Mercurius.

Though a little inconstant, the Gemini-Cancer Cusp prefer the “and they lived happily ever after” type of romance.

CANCER – LEO: The Cusp of Oscillation... Born between July 20th and July 25th.

People born on the cusp Cancer and Leo, are characterized by having a strong character and a sentimental point of view about any situation.

They are romantics and dramatic by nature.

Cancer-Leo is a very temperamental sign, which act before thinking and get carried away by emotions.

They tend to be generous, with a strong protective instinct.

Cancer-Leo cusp sign won’t bother to pretend, or even learn to try and dissimulate anything.

Like an open book, their faces will always be the reflection of their souls and moods.

It is a dangerous combination of many things, but they are outstanding people with high values and honest feelings.

LEO – VIRGO: The Cusp of Exposure... Born between August 20th and 25th.

People who are born under these two signs tend to feel their circumstances constantly challenge them.

They are characterized by having a lot of pride, internal strength and very little patience when it comes to dealing with toxic people.

Leo brings the touch of vitality and perfect energy to complement the gift of Virgo’s work and his proficiency in any field.

They tend to mistrust and evaluate others, as well as their situation, using their acute sixth sense to prevent any mistakes or misunderstanding.

They hate depending on others, feeling disposable or without direction. They want to know exactly where they’re going and how to get there.

Leo-Virgo analyzes everything and won’t settle for anything less than the best possible option.

Their appearances deceive a lot, and they know it, sometimes they come out cranky but won’t do anything to change it because they believe being faithful to their personalities is unnegotiable.

VIRGO – LIBRA: The Cusp of Beauty... Born between September 20th and 25th.

People born between Virgo and Libra bring magic to the world. They are pure beauty, honest friends, and incredible hostess.

Among its most common features, we must highlight its manic side. Cleaning is one of their main obsessions.

When they have something in mind, they’ll need to achieve it in reality, or else they’ll feel defeated and get easily frustrated.

They love sincerity, brave and honest people who always speak truthfully.

On this cusp, we have the union of control, wit, and strength with harmony, sublime intelligence, and intuition.

They love to help solve other people’s lives, but they hate to ask for help or face their problems.

They are brilliant, but out of love, they can make the same mistake again and again.

LIBRA – SCORPIO: The Cusp of Drama and Criticism... Born between October 21st and 25th.

People born under this combination have great magnetism and good fortune.

Libra and Scorpio share a great physical beauty and sexual attractiveness.

They like to stand out and be the center of all attention.

Leaving aside their beauty, we must highlight the bright side of these powerful people. They can convince anyone in the cleverest possible way.

People born under this cusp sign are very critical of injustices and inequity.

They have been born to be sociable and sensual towards almost everyone, that’s why the turn out to be heartbreakers par excellence and sometimes take advantage of it to overcome any obstacle that comes in their way.

SCORPIO – SAGITTARIUS: The Cusp of Revolution... Born from November 20th to 25th.

This cusp create seductive rebels, people who have been lucky enough to be born under the signs of Scorpio and Sagittarius have very positive aspects and a tempting dark side.

Restless, very energetic and very thirsty for information and freedom, Scorpio-Sagittarius will make their dreams, and their loved ones, come true.

They love to inquire, travel, learn and want to know everything.

Daredevils, they are among those who believe in easy comes-easy goes. For them, easy things are for people who are afraid to ask for more, while successful people go after the hard-to-reach scenario in any situation. They are always going challenge after challenge.

They look for intense and extra-passionate relationships.

For these magnetic people there’s no better gift than unconditional support, that understands without asking too much, and that takes care of them if they fail. Trust and the freedom are essential for Scorpio-Sagittarius because they hate being interrogated, suffocated or not allowed to make their own decisions.

SAGITTARIUS – CAPRICORN: The Cusp of Prophecy... Born from December 19th to 24th

Sagittarius and Capricorn cusp understands that the key to success is hard work. You won’t find them throwing the towel, NEVER.

People born under the union of these two signs are very focused on the “now or never” mindset and prefer to take a chance and see what happens rather than wait and let things flow.

They are restless and if it comes to bet everything on a single card, they will.

They have an elephant’s memory and can go back to resuscitate passions, emotions, and resentments without making any effort.

The Sagittarius aspects provides very impatient energy, but Capricorn delivers the perfect, and needed, dose of patience.

They can differentiate a good deal from a bad one in a heartbeat, so you’ll find them making businesses, starting companies, and investing with excellent outcomes.

They don’t usually accept orders; they feel much better working on their own.

CAPRICORN – AQUARIUS:The Cusp of Mystery... Born from January 17th to 22nd

People with the privilege of being Capricorn and Aquarius cusp enjoy the most energetic personality traits of each sign.

Capricorn gives a good dose of willpower and a hard-working vision to achieve success in the short and the long term.

Aquarius, on the other hand, provides a good dose of creativity and desire to escape conventionalism, always aiming to set a new record.

These two energies come together to create a very overwhelming and independent personality.

Capricorn-Aquarius hate critiques and hate meddlers.

“Love me for who I am or leave me”: that’s the Capricorn-Aquarius motto.

Although they’re faithful and tender lovers, some can even call them home-loving, they also enjoy having some spare time to be on their own.

AQUARIUS – PISCES: The Cusp of Sensitivity... From February 16th to the 21st of February.

The combination of Aquarius and Pisces have a vibrant intelligence and emotionality.

The combination of Aquarius and Pisces have a vibrant intelligence and emotionality.

They tend to get carried away by situations and difficulties and use their intuition to thrive.

They love discovering, experimenting and trying new things.

They hate unconstructive criticism, hypocrisy and cannot stand people who live in the past holding grudges.

People who are born between Aquarius and Pisces are characterized by always having time to help others, support and as many hugs as needed.

Sometimes they’re very insecure and cautious when it comes to starting new relationships.

Aquarius brings its irreverent and antagonist side, Pisces the emotional and enigmatic aspect.

This cusp brings a magical, transparent, loyal and heartfelt vibe to their love relations.

PISCES – ARIES: The Cusp of Rebirth... Born from March 18th to March 22nd.

At this cusp, we find people characterized by being innovative, dreamy, intelligent and tremendously emotional.

They know how to empathize and have a very well structured vision of what they want for their future.

Even when their lives may be going through a rough patch, this optimistic combination knows there’s always a solution to any problem.

They might usually have all the stability they seek, because being so independent will still go for the difficult path to prove themselves, and others, they are capable of anything.

Having a very peculiar mindset, they get easily misunderstood by others.

Intuitive and lovers of nature and details, they don’t like monotony and want to build a magical world around them.

Hopefully this has helped you in discovering your zodiac personality traits if you are on the cusp of a sign. Comment below if you are on the cusp!

Much love to all... go in peace my friends

[captainwhogotthecanary]

CC Week Day 7

Title: To Write on my Skin

Summary:  Sara knows she has a soulmate; ink has been disappearing on her skin as long as she remembers. She's never gotten a response, but that doesn't stop her from trying.

Day 7: Soulmate AU. Canonverse mostly with a few liberties, and a happy ending (duh). Also on AO3.

Everyone has a soulmate, in theory. Nearly every time someone seems without a soulmate, it turns out their soulmate just hasn’t been born yet.

Sara doesn’t have this problem. The first time she remembers scribbling on her arm, she was three, and she was inconsolable when her little doodle disappeared immediately. Her father explained it to her, once she calmed enough to listen: the disappearing ink meant that she had a soulmate. The ink would appear with a tingle on her soulmate’s skin, instead, and if her soulmate drew on their skin, it would show up on Sara’s.

Since then, Sara’s been fascinated by the disappearing ink. She covers her arms in doodles, messages, notes. When life gets hard, she writes to her soulmate, letting them know. When life is good, she writes that, too. She knows nothing about her soulmate, though, save for the fact they exist.

She’s never gotten anything in return.

Sara studies her skin every morning and night, when she brushes her teeth, or when she wakes up or crawls into bed, depending how life is treating her or whether she’s somewhere that even has a bathroom. Her skin remains unmarked by ink of any kind, and decades pass before Rip Hunter shows up and assembles a team for the Waverider.

The first night, after she climbs into bed, she writes a direct question for the first time in years: “Does time travel affect soulmate messages?”

She doesn’t expect a response, and she isn’t disappointed. Still, the next morning, she adds, in tiny letters, “Is it possible to miss someone you’ve never even spoken to? Never met? I feel like there’s less chance than usual that you’re reading this.”

Her new teammates seem alright. She clicks best with Leonard, she thinks; they tend to find each other when they’re both on the ship. He’s quick and sarcastic, and she’s not sure he knows how to actually smile instead of smirk. It also helps that, unlike with the rest of the team, she’s not sure whether he has a soulmate. Most of the team bares enough skin often enough that she knows, after a while, who’s got a soulmate and who doesn’t. There are also those like Ray and Rip who’ve already lost soulmates but are open about it, eventually.

She catches both of them staring at the unmarked skin on their inner wrists, sometimes, and it’s heartbreaking. If Kendra does the same, she does it in private.

But with Leonard, Sara has no clue, and while she knows she does have a soulmate, they’re enough of a question mark that she gravitates toward the other question mark in the group. The topic itself doesn’t come up until they’re freezing to death, though.

“You don’t have a pen on you, do you?” Sara manages through the cold. She can feel his attention on her. They’re pressed up against each other, as close as they can get without actually cuddling. “I want to let my soulmate know this might be goodbye.”

He does have a pen in his jacket, actually, but she can barely get it to write, doesn’t even get through a whole letter before she gives up. She ends up wrapped in Leonard’s jacket before Leonard addresses it.

“I’m sure he knows.”

“How… do you know… they’re a ‘he’?” It’s getting harder for her to speak.

He’s quiet long enough in the cold that Sara’s eyes drift shut.

“Call it a hunch,” he says finally.

She’s not sure what to make of it, but she’s cold and tired and putting all her energy into survival.

And survive they do.

Something shifts between them, after that, so by the time Sara is left behind with Ray and Kendra, she definitely misses Leonard while she’s gone. When she’s reunited with the team, it’s hard at first, but it’s easier with him than with anyone else. She thinks it’s probably because he’s going through his own shit with Mick.

When everything starts feeling normal again, Leonard tries to get her to abandon ship with him and Mick, saying that something is about to go very wrong.

“You and your hunches,” Sara says, bemused, and Leonard opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, then scowls instead.

After Len’s escape plan fails, he and Sara are chatting in between playing cards when the soulmate thing comes up again. She grabs the pen she keeps beside her bed and scribbles out a quick message: I hope you’re good at cards.

When she looks up after putting down the pen, ink already gone, Leonard is watching her intently. She raises an eyebrow in question.

“What do you know about him?” Leonard asks, staring at the clear skin on her arm for another moment before meeting Sara’s eyes.

“Nothing,” Sara answers hesitantly. She’s not used to talking about her soulmate; most people consider it too personal to ask anyone but a close friend or potential soulmate, and Sara hasn’t had many close friends. Until now, apparently. “He’s never written me back.”

“Then why do you keep writing?”

Sara shrugs. “If they can see it, or even just feel it, at least they know they’re not alone.” She grabs the deck of cards and starts dealing, briskly changing the subject, and Leonard lets it drop.

They’re interrupted only a short time later, when Leonard’s hunch plays out and the ship is boarded. She and Len only barely hide away in time, and Sara finds his proximity while they’re hiding a bit more distracting than she thinks is warranted.

And then after they get out, he pulls a gun on her in his desperation to leave. He doesn’t shoot her, and she doesn’t for a moment think he’s actually going to, but it hangs heavy over them after Gideon’s interruption. They do as Gideon asks, and then they’re back on the ship, waiting, and instead of keeping her distance because she’s rightfully angry at him, Sara finds herself sitting and standing as close to Leonard as always.

Closer, even, daring to touch his ring. He stills at the contact, watching her, his almost-flirty look fading into something more serious.

“What?” Sara asks.

“You haven’t written your soulmate since this particular disaster started.”

“I’ve been a bit busy,” Sara retorts.

“I’m just saying, you tried to write him with a non-functional pen when you were actively dying.” Leonard seems oddly invested in this, and she isn’t sure why. “You’ve had chances. You could be writing him now. Why aren’t you?”

It’s not actually a bad question, but when Sara realizes it’s because any of her spare focus has been on Leonard instead of on her soulmate, she gets defensive.

“Maybe I don’t have anything important to say right now, okay?” she snaps.

“Important like hoping he’s good at cards?” Leonard snaps right back, and Sara registers how close they’ve gotten, how near his bright eyes are to hers, before she registers the words.

There’s no way Leonard saw what she was writing last night. The ink had already disappeared into her skin before she was at the right angle for him to see it. He’s staring at her now like he’s asking her to make the connection that’s right in front of her face.

Her eyes move to his arm. He’s always covered, always, everywhere that she’s ever drawn. She can still feel his eyes on her as he deliberately pulls up his sleeves, pushing them just far enough that she can see faded lettering in a few places, as well as fresh ink, exactly where she’d drawn such a short time ago:

I hope you’re good at cards.

“It’s you,” she breathes, unable to tear her eyes from her handwriting on his skin.

“It’s me,” he agrees, and her eyes fly back to his, and they’re so close, and she’s not sure what she’s about to do except that this moment feels extremely important and—

“The Time Drive is back online,” Gideon interrupts, and then their focus is back on saving the team, and there’s no time to talk about the fact that her whole life just shifted.

After they get most of their team back, Leonard shows up, spouting loaded phrases about how he doesn’t play by the rules, and how it’s the things he didn’t do that keep him up at night, and it makes her wonder whether he regrets never writing her back, but she’s too frustrated to ask until he says he’s been thinking about their future, and when she falls silent instead of responding how he expects, he speaks again.

“I imagine you have some questions.”

“You think?”

He smiles at the heat in her voice, actually smiles. It’s small but real, and it melts some of her anger at the gun, at what feels like his deception about being her soulmate.

Sara takes a breath. “You’re always in long sleeves. Is that to hide my writing?”

Leonard visibly considers his answer, then speaks carefully. “At first. I didn’t want anybody to realize my soulmate was so much younger than me.”

“Too young?” Sara asks, not sure she wants to hear the answer.

“Now? No,” he says firmly. “But when I was a teenger before the first time ink disappeared on my skin?”

Sara nods, acknowledging how weird their age difference had to have felt back then. “If that was only the issue at first, why keep covering up? Why never answer?”

Leonard looks down at his sleeve. “My father was the type of person who used love, even potential love, as a weapon. He used me and Lisa against each other. He would have found a way to use you against me, or me against you, if he’d known you existed. And you weren’t exactly stingy with the personal details; I could’ve found you at any time. So I didn’t write, and I made sure he never saw so much as a hint of ink on me.”

“And once we were on the ship?” Sara asks, quiet.

He looks up at her, meeting her eyes again. “Once we met, I was sure I wasn’t good enough to bind you to me forever.” The moment stretches until he looks down and off to the side again. “I didn’t handle it well when you wouldn’t just leave the ship. I was trying to keep you safe without telling you, and…”

“And so you pulled a gun on me.”

He nods curtly.

She lets it sink in, that as upset she is that he hid it, the biggest reason he’s never written on her skin comes down to protection, of himself and of her. And she gets that, she really does, but she’s still not sure of him in this capacity, because what if he never feels like they’re safe together, good together, like she knows they can be? What if…

She watches as he straightens and deliberately crosses to her bedside table.

“When I was about 15, I promised myself I wouldn’t ever write on my skin until I was ready to accept everything that goes along with having a soulmate,” he says, and her breath catches when he picks up her pen. “I was very careful never to make a mistake, never to accidentally make a mark that you would see.” She hears him uncap the pen in front of him. His back blocks most of her line of sight. “If you want to pretend this never happened,” he says, voice more vulnerable than Sara thought possible, “tell me now.”

Sara is silent, and Leonard exhales before—

Sara feels a tingling on the sensitive flesh of her inner arm, and she looks down to see the neat writing work its way across her skin.

I’m sorry, Sara.

It’s what she needs, the words and the writing, and she hasn’t even fully processed before she’s pulling him around to face her and pressing her lips to his.

They don’t get as long together as she’s hoping for before they have to go save themselves and all of time, but if everything goes okay, she knows they have plenty more time ahead of them.

Ray complicates things right away; Sara isn’t sure he’s ever going to leave them alone after he sees the writing on Sara’s arm and immediately puts all the pieces together. He’s ridiculously excited about it and decides they all need to stick together, something about sentiment and luck. When Ray approaches the Oculus, he’s got Sara and Leonard by his side. Mick refuses to leave Ray, for some reason Sara will try to work out later, and Rip and Firestorm go to guard the entrance and buy them time.

It’s good the four of them are with the Oculus, really; Ray runs into some problems and needs some help to be able to wedge down the button inside the machine, but they figure it out, and all six of them make it safely back on board the Waverider, taking off just as the Oculus explodes.

Ray tries to insist on all of them celebrating together, until Mick suggests that he and Ray have a beer alone–oh–and then Sara and Leonard are able to make their escape back to her room.

Their personal celebration is mind-blowingly good, years of tension and months of friendship and passion and flirtation coming together quite spectacularly. They’re still busy afterward, saving Kendra and vanquishing Savage, but they’re together.

And when, months later, Sara finally writes I love you on her arm when she and Leonard are separated one night for a mission, she feels the tingle of his response almost immediately.

He loves her, too.

[ohscorbus]

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Sunday 17th September, 2017.

No your eyes aren't deceiving you, this is an actual recap! It's been far too long! But this show was something special and it demanded such a post : )

If it wasn’t blatantly obvious to you by now, Albus is my favourite. He means so much to me and so naturally, I was super excited about this week. Why? Well for those of you who don't know, Tom Mackley was on as Albus and I never had the chance to catch his Albus when he was with the first cast so today was a long time coming. It genuinely felt like I was seeing the play for the first time and meeting another Albus was everything I wanted it to be and more. Mackley is so brilliant. He brings an energy that really captures your attention, no matter what role he’s in, and seeing him in a bigger role only confirmed how much of a star this boy is.

Alright, this is going to be 60% Mackley love, 30% Albus comparisons, and 10% Scorbus. Have fun, folks!

(Note: I wrote this a few days after seeing the show but then life got busy and I never got the chance to finish it. I’d rather not try and do that from memory two months later. So this isn’t complete but I thought some of you might be interested in it anyway. She says, like it’s not 3k+ words long. ‘Incomplete’... ha!)

Act One

I have to admit, I did that thing where I was too excited to focus so the first few scenes were a bit of a blur to me. I both love and hate when that happens :’) But it means my very first impression of Mackley’s Albus was overwhelmingly a positive one.

Although there was one thing that bothered me. I was pre-warned about this and I’m glad because it threw me. For some reason, Mackley used a different voice when he was eleven year old Albus. It was younger and squeaker and I can see what he was going for but he didn’t need it. He’s very physical with his acting so I would have picked up on him being younger through other means. For example, the “what is the rumour?” line. He raised his hand as he asked the question to Rose and Scorpius and it made me seem so very small and childlike. The way he was looking to his cousin in particular for answers like a child would a teacher in class. It was really sweet. Little actions like that worked better than the younger voice he never seemed able to maintain. Plus I’ve never seen anyone else do this and apparently he didn’t do it when he was on as Albus last year so I’m not sure where it came from now??? But obviously this is all coming from someone who knows his voice so it stood out to me as odd. I’m sure a first timer wouldn’t have been bothered by it.

EDIT: Apparently he’s no longer doing the voice. I’m glad. He already felt like the youngest young Albus I’d seen. His eleven year old was 100% believable already.

I loved how Albus hovered his hand over his wand and was shouting, “UP!”, repeatedly in an attempt to remove it from where it was stuck in the floor. The direct reference to his future failed flying lesson made sure we were all aware just how much Albus was struggling at school. Like we could forget but you know, it’s always nice to be kicked while you’re down with a severe case of the feels. Thanks Mackley.

You know that bit where Albus walks into his ‘room’ and he’s just lit by a single spotlight? (I mention it in every recap because it’s stunning and one of my favourite moments of the play. I honestly hold my breath and well up every single time. I have zero shame over my emotional investment in this character hahaha.) Mackley was super interesting in this. Well, to me anyway. So Theo walks forward and gets to the front of the stage and just sighs. His entire body just sags. It’s heartbreaking and breathtaking all at the same time. But Mackley put his hands in his unzipped hoodie pockets, then held his arms out away from his body so the hoodie was open, and then walked in a straight line across the stage to his bed. He kept his head down as he watched his feet, stepping one foot directly in front of the other. Like a child trying to walk along a crack in the pavement. It’s such a small and insignificant thing really, but I had an ‘oh there you are’ moment with it. You spend five hours with these characters but occasionally an actor will do something that makes everything else fade away. The character stops being a character and becomes so real it gives me goosebumps. (This isn’t sounding right. They are all superb actors and you fully lose yourself in the story/characters every single time you watch it. But sometimes it’s so much more than that. They do something different and you completely forget that acting is even a thing. That you’re even sat in a theatre at all. The moment you’re seeing simply becomes this real person in the real setting. That wasn’t Mackley performing on stage to me, it was Albus in his room trying to delay packing.) But anyway, it was the perfect combination of innocent child and bored teenager. With Theo’s Albus, you know he’s already not in the mood for this scene. He’s already 100% done and upset before whatever is about to happen, happens. Mackley’s Albus wasn’t like that at all. He was bored and interestingly much more responsive than Sam and Theo’s Albus is whenever his siblings came into his room. It was all kinds of fascinating to then to see how they both go from their different starting points to angrily shouting at Harry. I absolutely loved how angry Mackley took this argument though. It reminded me a lot of Sam’s Albus. I’d missed this level of raw anger. Theo has been taking his Albus angrier and angrier and the way he hits Harry with the blanket these days is one of my favourite things. But Mackley, despite seeming absolutely tiny next to Jamie, got right up in Harry’s face and held his own. 

EDIT: Theo has since earned the title of ‘angriest Albus’ in this scene and it was well worth the wait. But I’ll write about this at some point because it does deserve to be acknowledged, explored, and celebrated. Yay!

During the quiz bit when Scorpius is sat down (or rather, Albus manhandles him and pushes him down), Albus was tapping on his knees and then went to full on holding onto his thighs. I mean, sure. Good. Carry on. Nothing to see here. Why am I even mentioning it???

Albus was rubbing Scorpius’s back as he spoke about his dislike of fish. I love it when Albus reacts like this here. Genuine concern. I’ve also missed writing these recaps so I could take this opportunity to once again ponder as to where his hatred of fish came from. I have theories, Samuel is apparently still thinking about it. (I like to think that’s not one of the weirdest questions about Scorpius he’s got at stage door but let’s face it, it’s probably high up there on the list.)

Act Two

Absolutely loved the ‘wizzo’ line. They did it as a sort of echo. (I was having Anthony ‘Hogwarts-warts-warts-warts’ flashbacks.) It was super fun to watch Mackley and Annabel interact by the way. You can tell they’ve been friends for a while now.

Albus and Scorpius had the nerdiest thumb/handshake thing. They held each others hand and then proceeded to play what looked like a thumb war. Dorks.

Albus said (or mouthed?) “that’s my uncle” when Lugo Bagman mentioned Charlie Weasley and that’s an A+ decision. This is why I love Mackley. He adds these things, these tiny almost inconsequential things, and yet they add even more depth to the character. Of course Albus is going to react to seeing these people. Albus loves his family and is very close with them. It must have been so weird (and cool) to see them younger.

What was great about the Jamie G and Mackley combination is that they both ate the chocolate in the hospital wing. I love this cast. They all seem to enjoy eating their props :’)

Act Three

Albus fell out of bed when Scorpius screamed his name to wake him up. Poor boy. He got back up and then literally flopped onto his bed and proceeded to lie there and recover from his ordeal. The fact that Scorpius wasn’t phased by this tells me it’s not out of the ordinary. Albus my dear boy, you need a nicer alarm clock.

The torture scene… alright, this is where I lost Albus. Briefly. One of my favourite things about Albus, one of his greatest traits, is his ability to use his pain to drive himself. It’s evident throughout the play and in particular, this scene. We see him crumble. Completely and utterly shatter. The pain and potential loss of Scorpius kills him quicker than an Avada Kedavra ever could. But he uses that pain to fight back. That’s what Albus does. He doesn’t give in. The boy is a Slytherin through and through, he’ll find a way to save Scorpius and stop Delphi on his own terms. So even though he’s breaking in this scene, what you’re really seeing his him going from strength to strength. But Mackley just… broke. He collapsed to the floor and cried and generally reacted how Sam and Theo have done, to be fair. But there was something about Mackley’s Albus that was too submissive to Delphi. I didn’t feel that strength from him that I expected. Instead of resisting Delphi in every which way, his Albus was on the floor and frantically nodding his head. He was as quick to say yes to Delphi as he was to say no. But Albus would never ever comply. He’d never see that as his only option. So his decision to nod here confused me. In hindsight, he was presumably playing along, hoping Delphi would believe him so that she would spare Scorpius anymore pain. But to me, it just didn’t feel like something Albus would do in that moment. Because agreeing to help Delphi isn’t going to stop her from hurting Scorpius. It’s only going to hurt more people. But then he doesn’t always seem to see the bigger picture when he’s controlled by his emotions... The only way I could make the whole thing work in my head is that Albus is simply acknowledging her request, rather than actually agreeing to it. I just can’t believe he would ever think he could successfully convince her. It had to be just a delaying tactic because they both know Scorpius is his weakness. He’d put himself in harms way before he lets anything happen to his best friend. I think his experience and his emotional state aren’t where they need to be for him to manipulate her back in that way either. Going off in another direction, it’s also interesting to compare this to how quickly Albus complies with his dad in the other timeline when he’s told to stay away from Scorpius. Because yes, he’s agreeing to something against his wishes but he’s doing it to save Scorpius and at a great pain to himself. Complying with Delphi isn’t going to save Scorpius. If anything, it’ll get him killed faster...

EDIT: I hear there’s been some mixed opinions on this. I haven’t read anyone else’s recaps (I rarely do until I’ve posted my own), but I find it super interesting how differently people seemed to have interpreted this. But hey, all our opinions and interpretations are valid. *Scorpius voice* If my adventures in this fandom have taught me anything, it’s taught me that.

Like I said, I never had the chance to write about act four (or finish act three properly) and it would be unfair to do so from memory now. Even though I have notes. So many notes. Mackley is the kind of actor who gives so much on stage that you can’t not write thousands of words about him. He’s that good, and if you’ve not seen the show then you’re probably not aware of that and it’s a crying shame. He’s a fluffy ball of energy and completely steals your attention whenever he’s on stage. Whether he’s playing Albus, or part of the ensemble and kissing pumpkins and telling the Beauxbatons ladies he loves them. Hell, even bringing on props ready for the next scene in the dark. You know it’s him. Nobody swishes their robes quite like Mackley. He’s electric on stage and you can tell he belongs up there. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the main seven but honestly, this show wouldn’t be what it is without the ensemble. It’s why he’s one understudy I would absolutely go out of my way to see again. 

I’ll end this with some general observations and some random points I apparently felt the need to make a note of during the intervals. It’s a jumbled mess. Sorry : /

I feel like the ‘dry humour and Albus-y’ line was written for Mackley’s Albus because the dry comedic tone in his voice was spot on. He definitely takes it to a level Sam and Theo have never reached. There were lines in there that had the audience laughing that I’ve never heard an audience laugh at before and it warmed my heart. It felt like the audience were seeing what Scorpius sees in his best friend. He has his troubles yes, but underneath all his daddy issues and dwindling self esteem, he’s a kid with a big heart and enough sarcasm to fill the lake twice over. Scorpius loves that about him. Harry loves that about him. I love that about him. To hear an audience get that and react so positively to him, just as much as they do with Scorpius every single show, was beautiful. I feel blessed, and I have no shame in telling you it brought tears to my eyes in the theatre.

On the same note, Samuel is also brilliant at getting the audience to laugh so as you can imagine, these two together were a riot together. I’ve never seen two actors so thoroughly enjoy being on stage. They had so much fun up there, particularly in part two, and it shone through in their performance. It was genuinely a fun experience and one of the most enjoyable shows I’ve had the pleasure to watch.

For example, Albus doing a silly slow motion walk towards Scorpius in Godric’s Hollow as Scorpius explained his ‘plan’. It was one of those silly little things best friends unconsciously do around each other because they’re comfortable letting themselves be themselves in the others presence. It tells us how much time they do spend together. How close they are. How fun and silly Albus can actually be when he’s not dealing with stuff. Or at least when Scorpius is around to distract him from it all temporarily. But that’s what I love about their relationship. They’re each other’s escape and safety net and gravity. They really do need each other.

*whispers* Can we also talk about how his feet didn’t fully touch the ground when he’s sat on the edge of his bed? Or how he managed to curl up onto the pew without looking squished? I know I love to exaggerate how tiny Albus is when I write about him but Mackley made all of my dreams come true.

Ron’s jumper is so big on him that he started to flap his sleeves after he’d been turned back into himself again. It was adorable. It also gave me Albus and his hand-me-down clothes feels. That bit was a little more painful.

Act Four Scene Fourteen was all robe swishes and funny voices. It was mayhem to the nth degree. If every day is like that then I can see why Scorpius loves school so much.

It’s easy to see Scorpius as a follower, it’s something else to see Albus as a leader. Mackley definitely has that pull over Scorpius. Not to a point where they’re unbalanced, but he’s a whirlwind. A force impossible to stop once he’s got something in his head. You can see how/why Scorpius caves so easily. Especially since Albus seems totally unaware of it all... mostly. Scorpius has a choice, he just chooses Albus.

He walked into Godric’s Hollow with the string from his hoodie in his mouth while he kicked the snow. Another reason why he’s the most believable fourteen year old Albus I’ve seen too. It seemed to come so natural to him. While Theo has perfected Albus’s heart and headspace, Mackley has got his headstrong petulant teenager side down to a T. His stance, his faces, his tone... despite being the oldest to play Albus, he easily comes across as the youngest.

There was just something so down to earth and effortless about his Albus that I loved. I wish I could put it into words. He was so natural in his performance that it didn’t even seem like a performance, you know? I particularly loved the delivery of his lines. There was something about it that even made me love the words/lines that have always felt a little odd to me. I sat there and thought, ‘oh! so that’s how it’s suppose to sound.’ (I’m wondering whether it’s an accent thing? I have theories.)

I’m going to end this with a conversation I overheard during the interval. There were two middle aged ladies in front of me in the toilet queue talking about Albus. One of them stopped the other mid-gushing over how brilliant the ‘young lad’ playing Albus was to inform her he was in fact the understudy. She couldn’t believe it. She said she got the impression he’d been playing Albus for a year and not just for the week. This only spurred her on and she continued to talk about his brilliance, probably until Act Two started. Needless to say, I was beaming like a proud idiot. Spending the rest of the months food money on a ticket just to see him was definitely a good decision. I can say this now, two months later, having lived through weeks of basic cheap food :’)

[nasyonce]

3/24/17 3:25 am

i’m at a point in my life where i realize now… nobody TRULY gives a fuck about me lmao. i’ve had my heart broken twice now, the first time by the person who broke up w me bc of the onset of my depression at the time, and the second time by the person who i actually thought would be there for me through thick and thin. both of them weren’t happy w their own lives and i’m 87% positive looking for something in me that they were upset i couldn’t give them. i was friends w them bc they both truly and genuinely made me happy, but neither of them wanted me in my life anymore. it was/is torture for me to sit here and lose people who i thought cared about me, who i’ve been friends w for years, just to replace me w people who they know don’t even give a fuck about them the way i did/still do. bc through the heartbreak i still love them unconditionally. idk if it’s due to my abandonment issues but i actually cannot stop myself from investing the little bit of energy i do have into thinking about both of them. i have no one else anymore that i can truly call my friend without feeling like a burden. they both have ventured off and bragged about to me (after not talking for months) about how great their life is since i was so abruptly left on read. if your life was so great, PLEASE spare me the torture and don’t tell me bc you KNOW my life isn’t. you just said that shit to prove how better you think you are than me and would rather leave me in the fucking dust, than be my so-called “best friend”. that shit just kills me on the inside bc if i’m expected to know how you’re feeling, that shows that NO ONE gives a shit about how i feel. i have no more emotions left to give. i can’t even love myself properly to gather the energy to do the things necessary to graduate. i’m failing a class and everyday is harder than the last. i cry at LEAST 6 times a day. in fact, i’m bawling rn. last night i was arguing back and forth with my best friend and as usual, no one listened to me. i’m supposed to take the blame for everything bc i’m the most vulnerable in the friendship. i have no one i can talk to about anything anymore without them flipping the script on what i can do better. i sacrificed so much to be a great fucking friend to EVERYONE, and get paid DUST in return. it’s been this way for fucking years. and i KNOW i deserve better, but what hurts me the most is that i can never find what this “better” is that i supposedly deserve; so i’d rather go back to people who only hurt me, than to be alone with my thoughts. i’m 18 fucking years old and my life is hanging on by a single thread. barely. i’ve gotten pretty good at hiding it in public, but this past week has been so hard that almost every hour/hour and a half i’m crying. it doesn’t matter where i am. today in all my classes i broke out in tears and had to hide from everyone. i sit in the fucking front of the room in all my classes and i couldn’t get up to leave. i was so embarrassed. people always just fuck me up and leave. i don’t deserve this. at all. i haven’t said this in a few months, but i want to die.

[russellthornton]

How to Stay Single Until You’re Seriously Ready to Mingle

Usually, people try to figure out ways to land a relationship, but you, you’re trying to figure out how to stay single for now.

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks and after this last one, it was almost movie worthy. I decided it was time for me to take some breathing space. Does that mean that men want nothing to do with me? Absolutely not. In fact, it’s like when they see that you don’t want anything to do with them, they want you more. It’s tragic. I mean, when I wanted a relationship, I’d leave the club literally hearing crickets. But now that I wonder how to stay single, they won’t leave me alone.

How to stay single

If you’re used to always being in relationships, now that you’re single, maybe it’s time you took some space for yourself. You know, do things that you want to do, spend time with your friends, take a bubble bath. You don’t have to be with someone to have a good time. [Read: 8 signs you’ve always been a serial monogamist and need a break]

It’s probably better for yourself to spend some time alone. Since you’re reading this, you’re probably already considering this but you’re not sure how to not be single. Well, I’ve been single for a while, so don’t worry, I’ll get you on the right track. Sometimes, being single can be a good thing.

#1 Don’t think about the invisible clock. There’s no clock. Okay, for women, I know we have a biological clock, but other than that, there’s no clock. You don’t have to get married by 28 nor do you have to buy a house by 30. There’s no clock, people!

Most of my friends are in relationships but honestly, I don’t feel the pressure. I mean, who says I must be in a relationship at 26? Is there some law about that? Exactly. Just go with the flow. [Read: Why get married? 10 of the worst reasons to tie the knot]

#2 Make a list of things you want to do. Make a list of everything that you want to do. Maybe you want to travel to Europe or Japan. Maybe you want to take salsa dancing lessons or maybe you want to learn how to do graphic design. Well, write it down.

Make that list as long as you want, I don’t care. The point is, use this list as motivation for you to enjoy this single life. Focus on you.

#3 Don’t be close-minded about relationships. There was this phase where I never wanted to be in a relationship and the thought of men disgusted me. But this isn’t the mentality you should be adopting when single. Be open minded to relationships.

If someone asks you out, go out on a date with them. You see what you’re looking for in a relationship and the type of person you need. This is the time where you should be exploring, so don’t be a Debbie Downer when it comes to finding love. [Read: How to meet new people – 16 exciting ways to find a new crowd]

#4 Look at the flaws of your past relationship. A good way to staying single is to work on what was wrong in your past relationships. I mean, I know you don’t want to admit it, but you’re flawed. That’s normal.

So, take some time in looking at what you did in the past and what you want to change about yourself. Now’s the time to do it. [Read: How to start over and win: 12 keys to finding your second chance]

#5 Develop strong relationships with friends. When you’re single and crying every night alone, well, of course, you’re not having a good time. Invest your spare time hanging out with friends and family. Go out to the bar, try out a new restaurant with your buddies, go to Mexico for vacation.

I mean, now that you’re single, you have time. A lot of time. So, use it. When you’re in a relationship, your friends and family are going to be put on the back burner, you know that. So, spend this time with them.

#6 Think of being single as a positive lifestyle. Being single is really fun. If you’re doing it right. If not, you’ll end up dating someone similar to your ex. Then it’s just the same cycle all over again.

If you take the time to think of this as a learning experience about yourself, well, then you’re taking this time with a positive mind which is what you need to be doing. Think positive, and good things will happen! [Read: The real reasons why dating gets harder in your 20s]

#7 Tune out the negative. Your grandparents may be asking you why you’re single and all your friends may be getting married but that doesn’t mean you need to go down that road just yet. You need to just remove all the nagging from friends and family and just focus on yourself. This negative energy isn’t doing anyone any good.

It’s definitely not going to make you find someone any faster. So, just chill out. If someone you like pops up into your life, then go with it. [Read: Single and ready to mingle? Get out there in the world]

 #8 Do whatever the hell you want. But actually—just do whatever you want. Want to eat ice cream for dinner? Do it. Want to have a one-night stand? Swipe that Tinder. You do whatever the f*ck you want. That’s the beauty of being single, you have ultimate freedom. I know relationships can be nice, but for now, you’re single, so go wild.

#9 Focus on your passions. Whatever it is that you love doing, painting, dancing, singing, writing—whatever it is, just do it. One of the secrets to knowing how to stay single is to distract yourself with things you enjoy doing. Now is the time where you’re not distracted with dating and the whole she-said-he-said bullshit, so just focus on what brings you happiness.

Throw yourself into your passions. You’ll notice how amazing the outcome is. And it’s not for someone else, it’s for you. [Read: How to live in the moment – 20 positive ways to live in the now]

#10 Continue being sexually active. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re dead. So, either bulk up on the sex toys or find a friend with benefits to sleep with whenever you feel the urge.

People assume that being single means you have cobwebs growing in between your legs. Let me tell ya, I have more sex being single now than I ever did. I just don’t have any strings attached. Now, if you get attached quickly, then you don’t have to have sex with someone, just master your finger work. [Read: 16 signs you’re just not ready for a serious relationship]

#11 Don’t glue yourself to social media. There’s something great about social media, you get to show off your single-ness. But on the other side, it seems that social media loves to poke fun at single people. They’re deemed as pathetic and depressing people, but that’s not true.

There’s no self-pity associated with my single life. So, if social media is being a damper on your single life, just put it to the side. [Read: Social media detox: 13 ways to wean yourself off of social media]

#12 Enjoy the time alone. If you want to be single, and not because you feel that you should be, but because you really want to be single, enjoy the time. Listen, when I didn’t want to be single, I really hated the time I spent alone.

But I was doing it all wrong. I wasn’t appreciating the time I got to use on me. Now? I’m realizing being single is great! I don’t have to compromise, tell someone where I am, what I’m doing. I mean, I’m free.

[Read: Single for life: Enjoy the ride and find the one along the way]

Now that you know how to stay single, follow these tips and you’ll be single for a long time. Or, at least until you’re ready to get back into the dating field.

The post How to Stay Single Until You’re Seriously Ready to Mingle is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.