#stop me before I hurt myself I am laughing so hard at my own jokes right now it should be illegal

[genshin-squabbles-and-wobbles]

Childe, Kazuha, Ayato, and Scaramouche when they accidentally hurt their lover during a sparring/duel? :D

Yes my dear. My apologies for the wait, sobbing my panties wet and stuck in my ass crack for this mishap :( and my apologies that your last request got lost in the interwebs of the darks and lights. I love you thought, so I hope you can forgive the internet. And me, but mostly the stupid internet. :)

Childe ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・

He wouldn't realize it at first because you mask your pain so well, and he was very into the moment of it. He was in his zone and he was getting more aggressive as the duel went on.

However, he would notice the long pauses and heavy breathing you would do when he struck you, and you blocked. But each block was slipping, as he was getting near to striking you.

He was starting to notice this, but it didn’t fully hit him as of yet. As he was still in his own bloodrush to notice your injuries.

It finally dawn on him when you missed your block, and he accidentally struck you hard, sending you flying back and hitting the wall behind you.

Immediately Childe turn pale, drop everything and sprint to you, as he immediately looked down at your tired and bruised body and panic.

"Hey Hey Hey, why didn’t you say anything?! You have so much bruises! You are bleeding so much! You could have asked for a break, I wouldn’t use that against you!"

Childe scold you as he was panicking, when he looked at your wounds and the state you were in.

You were too tired to respond, but you looked at him and gave him a smile, to show that you were okay.

He sighed in relief, but guilt plagued him, as he felt that he should have never hurt the one he loves. Yet, here he is, hurting the one he loves.

He would kiss your cheek, and pick you up. He would carry you back to the Fatui headquarters and patch your wounds up there.

He became extremely protective of you, he doesn’t want anyone to see you in this state, he doesn’t want anyone near you. He would yell, hiss, and point his sword at anyone who dares to approach.

Kazuha ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・

You two were having a sword duel, as Kazuha liked practicing his techniques and trading tactics with you on his style of fighting.

You were blocking his sword perfectly, and striking back perfectly.

You two were laughing and having fun actually, and joking with each other. It was just a friendly battle.

Until he raised his sword in the air and strike down on you, you missed the block, and his sword slashed you.

You immediately coughed up blood and fell forward, as your face fell and planted into the sand.

Kazuha widen his eyes in shock, as he realized...he just did the same move as Raiden Shogun did to his friend.

Immediately he screeched your name and fell to his knees, he turned you over and looked at the sword slash from your left shoulder to your right hip.

Kazuha began to panic, and tear up as he apologies repeatedly to you. "My love, I'm sorry, I am so sorry, I am sorry my love, please forgive me, please."

He cupped your cheeks. You then opened your eyes and placed your hand on top of his, as to let him know you are okay. But you were too weak to talk, and blood was leaking out of your mouth and nose.

Kazuha kissed your face repeatedly, as if he was about to lose another precious person to him again. "I...I don’t think I'll ever forgive myself for this love..."

Kazuha picked you up and carried to back to Beidou's ship where you were patched up and set to rest.

However, at the very night, Kazuha took his own sword, and aimed it to his chest, his hands were shaking, he would never forgive himself, he sighed and looked at you sleeping in your bed.

He then put the sword down, and stayed by your side, at least for now.

Ayato ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・

He would notice immediately and stop before your injuries get worse, either that, or let you win the deul.

He is sharp, so he would notice these things very easily, he would call you out on it immediately.

"Darling, is there a reason why I see so much cuts on your body? Have we not talked about communicating to me when you are injured or need healing?"

He would look after you himself, of course, he would still tease you about it as well.

"Haha why are you blushing at that request my love? I have seen your naked body plenty of times, is it so weird I ask you to undress so I can look at your wounds?"

He would look at each wound carefully, and kiss everyone of them. "My apologies for not noticing how harsh I was being sooner, I didn’t mean to cause such unprecedented harm to you."

He would wrap your wounds lovingly, ask you which ones hurt the most

He would clear his schedule to look after you, and make it up to you by buying you your favorite foods or cuddling you, massing you.

His priority is making sure you are comfortable and healing properly, anything that stresses you out would immediately lead him to be stern.

Ayato is very firm on your boundaries, so if work pops up, no matter what, it can wait. Monsters? It can wait. Archons dying? It can wait. Celestia dropping to the ground? It can wait, there are other people qualified to handle it.

Scaramouche ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・● ●・

This fucking little shit bitch with his ben 10 team umizoomi undies.

He would scold you at first, calling you weak, and scolding you on how the world will crush you.

He would push you to fight a little bit more because he would lecture you on how the world isn’t going to go easy on you, and how the world will crush you whole, like it once did to him.

However, once he strike you and you fell back, he immediately felt guilty. Of course he will be verbally harsh about it.

"H-Hey! Are you stupid?! Watch your surroundings, that is the number one rule in fighting!"

Without realizing, he would see the large wound on your ribs bleeding and immediately go to you and tend to you.

He would lift your shirt and look at the wound, take his outer layer shirt and press against it.

You would look at him surprised as he was focused on tending to your wound. Once he met eyes with you, he would blush and give you an angry face.

"What?! Don’t look at me, fool. Humans are such weaklings..." He would complain but as he spoke, he would lift you up, and push your head against his chest.

He would carry you to Nahida and ask her how to help heal your wound, however, he would refuse to talk about him worrying about you.

He refuses to bring it up, but he would sneak glances at your wound, he would notice you being in pain, and would INDIRECTLY make things easier for you.

You are in pain from reaching something, next day, somehow it's now more reachable to you because its on the lower shelf.

You are in pain because you are cleaning your sword, next day, somehow they are all clean.

He cares about you greatly, unless you were his fourth betrayal, but he cares about you, and he is holding onto you so much. But he is afraid of showing attachment to you as he doesn’t want to be weak in front of you and show you his weakness to you. But he does care for you. He wants you to handle this world better then him, and doesn’t want the world to crush you like it did to him. He would never wish that on you. He will always be there for you.

[manorpunk]

“I don’t know. Whenever we try to do stuff, me and Zoey, half the time she starts crying and freaking out, and she says it’s not my fault and she says she likes me, but…” Saintjohn Hadouken sighed through pinched lips, hard enough to make his cheeks puff, and shook his head, “...feels like I’m hurting her.”

Johnny Newsroom looked off into the distance and took a pensive pull of his vape. “She said she likes you?”

“Yeah. I just don’t know what’s going on.”

Johnny turned his head to look him in the eye. “Have you ever dated a trans gal before?”

Saintjohn shook his head. “I’m fuckin figuring out some shit about myself, bro.”

“It’s… she’s… let’s put it this way. Imagine if your dick looked like a scary clown.”

Saintjohn flinched. “I don’t wanna do that. I don’t wanna use my brain powers for evil.”

Johnny continued. “Imagine if every time you took off your pants, a fucked-up evil clown was staring back at you. Imagine trying to get close to someone while you’re like that. Imagine trying to have a sex life. Imagine just trying to love when you’ve got an evil clown under your pants.”

Saintjohn’s frown seemed to stretch beyond the limits of his face. “Can I stop imagining it now?”

Johnny took another pull from his vape. “I don’t think Zoey gets to stop. Everyone’s got a different relationship to their own body, I don’t know Zoey personally, but...” he trailed off, letting Saintjohn fill in the blanks for himself.

Saintjohn leaned against the side of the motorhome and sighed again. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“Do you love her?” Johnny asked.

A pause.

“She makes me happy. When she laughs at my dumbass jokes, I feel like I just cured cancer.”

Saintjohn smiled as soon as he started talking about her. Johnny knew that smile, he felt its residual warmth, the second-hand joy. He wanted the two of them to be happy. He wanted one good thing to happen in the middle of this disaster. The Midwest Autonomous Zone could burn to the ground all over again. As long as he helped two people fall in love, he would have no regrets.

“And, y’know, I wanna get all up in there,” Saintjohn said.

“Okay. Well. To answer your question. Be patient. Let her do things at her pace. Let her figure herself out. Give her space when she needs it, even if you never want to be away from her. If you mess up - and you probably will, we’re only human - swallow your pride, apologize, and try not to do it again. Trust that it will all work out.”

“That sounds really hard.”

Johnny gave him a wry smile. “That’s love.”

[later]

“I’m sorry,” Zoey sniffed, pulling away from Saintjohn, “I just can’t right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever…”

She buried her head in her hands. Her body shuddered with heavy breaths as she began to cry. Saintjohn looked at her. He considered putting a hand on her shoulder, then lowered his arm and simply sat next to her.

“It’s okay,” Saintjohn said, “I understand. You gotta deal with the evil clown.”

Zoey lifted her head. She was too surprised and confused to keep crying. “What?”

[666writingcafe]

MC's Boogeyman

Solomon

As MC leaves the stand and walks over to the chest, I look over at Diavolo and Belphegor. They look as worried as I feel. You see, the test that Craxon has assigned to MC hasn't been used in many centuries, because the boogeyman has a tendency to drive people mad from fear. Some have even died. The last time the boogeyman was utilized was as a means of torture, and that was shortly after I got kicked out of the Society.

Craxon clearly wants to know what MC's biggest fear is--his prolonged silence earlier indicates that much--but I have no idea why he'd need that information. Then again, he often keeps his cards close to his chest, so it's usually hard to tell what's going through his mind at the best of times.

MC takes a deep breath and indicates that they're ready. The chest is open, and the boogeyman flies out of it in a flash of bright purple light. The room becomes pitch black for a few seconds before revealing that the boogeyman has transformed into...

MC?

At least, I think it's MC. Between the glowing eyes and sinister grin, their features are nearly unrecognizable.

I watch my apprentice shake as the boogeyman circles them.

"You poor thing," it coos mockingly. "You just can't control yourself, can you?"

"Stop it," MC whispers, causing the boogeyman to snicker.

"What's wrong? Too scared to confront the truth?" It stops behind MC and leans close to their ear. "You're a monster, darling. How is anyone supposed to feel safe around you?"

MC clenches their jaw as a few tears escape their eyes, and I have to stop myself from launching myself at the boogeyman. Judging by the looks on Belphegor and Diavolo's faces, they're having a similar struggle.

"One day, everyone will come to their senses and realize that trying to keep you alive and sane is an unnecessary burden," the boogeyman continues. "Your death would benefit the greater good."

"Enough," MC murmurs. The boogeyman tuts in disapproval.

"Pathetic."

"I'm not pathetic."

"Sure you are. Why do you think the most powerful people in the three realms are interested in you? You're like a wounded animal that they can't help but feel sorry for. They don't actually care about you. They'll turn you out the moment you become too dangerous. After all, they can't have you slaughtering their own kind just because someone hurt your precious little feelings."

"Enough!" MC glares at the boogeyman. "I may be a freak of nature, but that doesn't mean that I'm unworthy of love."

"Is that so?" MC nods.

"I have thought about ending my life on many occasions, but each time these guys give me a reason to stay. If they didn't love me, they wouldn't even try." The boogeyman bursts out laughing, but instead of cowering, MC stands their ground.

"Oh, you're actually serious," the boogeyman states once it composes itself.

"Of course I am," MC replies. "My life is not a joking matter." The boogeyman rolls its eyes, but I can tell that it's losing its power. For one, it appears a bit smaller than it did a few moments ago.

"Furthermore, a literal reaper went out of her way to ensure my survival, even though I only knew of her existence a few days prior," they add. "If that isn't a sign that I'm meant to be alive, then I don't know what is." Silence. The boogeyman continues to shrink.

"And even if I feel helpless and weak, I know for a fact that these guys will support me every step of the way. I almost feel sorry for you, because you'll never know what it's liked to be loved by even one person, let alone several. You'll just be seen as a mere object, a tool at best." MC directly calling out the boogeyman causes it to screech loudly as it quickly disappear back into its chest. Once the lid closes, MC collapses onto the ground and begins sobbing.

I look up at Craxon, and he silently nods, granting me permission to comfort MC. Diavolo and Belphegor are close behind.

In my opinion, MC has earned their star of humility.

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr

[rubykgrant]

(a little thing I wrote for a bigger fic, but I like how absolutely nonsensical Jon and Martin's "meet-cute" was, and now Jon gets to let Martin know the secret dorky side he's been hiding behind his very serious attitude~)

“If you don’t mind me being blunt?”

“By all means,” Jon encourages him.

“When exactly did you start to notice me- that is, notice that you found me attractive?”

“Oh, well… haha, um- that actually happened almost right away…” Jon’s mouth makes that flat little smirk that means he’s mildly embarrassed.

“Right away? Oh, come on…” Martin has trouble believing that.

“No, honestly. Before I really even knew you, before I convinced myself you were the bane of my existence, my very FIRST thought when I saw you was- he’s lovely,”

“You’re just trying to butter me up!” Martin argues, but feels himself blushing. Just barely.

“Hmm, ‘lovely’ was the first WORD that formed in my head. I suppose my other thoughts were less articulate,” Jon doesn’t elaborate on that (only twice had he allowed himself to gush about his early thoughts regarding Martin, which never really went away; once to Georgie, once to Daisy. Georgie had called him a sap, and Daisy had called him unhinged. He wonders what they would have both said together, if they’d had the chance to compare notes).

Martin continues to shake his head, unconvinced.

Jon thinks this over.

“Do you remember when we met?” Jon asks, leaning beside Martin at the sink; his body-language looks like somebody at a pub, about to drop what they believe to be a winner of a pick-up line.

“Yes, unfortunately. I think we BOTH made pretty strong first-impressions on each other,” Martin replies.

“Mmm, very much so. But- when you first ran up, and asked if I had seen a dog? I thought you were trying to tell me a joke,”

“You thought- what? A joke?” Martin turns to look at Jon.

“A joke. I was surprised right out of my train of thought, forgot about whatever I had been doing, forgot to keep my aloof and serious attitude as the new Head Archivist. I didn’t know what to think, and I was so taken off-guard, it made me genuinely intrigued. I was even excited to see if I could figure out the joke, be all impressive and clever. But then…” Jon trailed off, rolling his eyes.

“Then I made it clear- an actual dog was running around inside the building,” Martin finished. “Honestly Jon, what kind of joke could that have been?”

“Hmm… have you seen a dog? I was hoping somebody could help me SPOT one,” Jon answers. Martin’s jaw drops. That was indeed a terrible pun… but Jon isn’t finished. “Have you seen a dog? I CANINE find it anywhere! Have you seen a dog? I’m having a RUFF time looking on my own! Have you seen a dog? I’ve searched this place a HOUND-dred times! Have you seen a dog? This one is im-PAW-sible for me to find! Have you seen a dog? I’m worried it might be in GREAT DANE-ger! Have you seen-”

“STOP, HAHAHA, STOP- YOU’RE GONNA KILL ME!” Martin doubles-over, and slides down against the cupboards under the sink. He’s laughing so hard he’s crying, and his cheeks hurt from smiling.

“Terrible puns aside, my first thoughts of you were- Oh, somebody is talking to me? Oh, he’s telling me a joke? Oh, he’s lovely. Oh, I can impress this lovely man when he sees how good I am at figuring out jokes! OH, HE LET A DOG INTO THE BUILDING!”

Martin laughs again, helplessly hiding his face in his knees. Jon steps away from the sink, crouching down in front of him. Martin continues to giggle, peeking through his fingers as Jon lightly strokes his hair.

“Is that what I should have done? Won your heart with bad puns?” Martin asks.

“I’m not sure I’m much of a prize, but you certainly won my heart, regardless. The problem was ME, almost everything about you kept catching my attention, I just had my head up my own arse. I’m not good enough for you,” Jon answers. Martin finally moves his hands away from his face, catching Jon’s with his own.

“Maybe you just need to step-up and BE good enough for me?”

“I can try,” Jon says with a smile that implies he’s actually determined to do exactly that. Martin leans forward and kisses him.

[aquariumgirls]

TMNT AU COMP PRELIMS: ONRYŌ LEO AU PROPAGANDA!!! @tmntaucompetition

do you like: ANGST? HURT/COMFORT? MORALLY GREY MOTHER FIGURES? EXCEPTIONAL VIOLENCE, MAYBE?

THEN THE ONRYŌ LEO AU IS THE AU FOR YOU!

WATCH AS THIS TEENAGED TURTLE BECOMES A VENGEFUL SPIRIT, ALL AGAINST HIS WILL! WHAT WILL HE DO? HOW WILL HE COPE? WHO FUCKING KNOWS! (i sure dont)

NOW CONTAINING: MORAL DILLEMAS (is it cannibalism if i'm only half human?), BLOOD (that bright red sticky stuff! contains: iron), KITSUNE (you know, that one underutilized tmnt character? her?), AND MORE!

please read it i know its been almost two months since i updated but i prommy im still working on it ;;

(small ficlet under the cut!)

Leo was just minding his business, in the middle of painting Raph's nails when suddenly his form fizzled out like a glitch in the universe.

When he opened his eyes, he was in some sort of... Stadium? Maybe? There were so many other turtles around, all seeming to be different versions of him and his siblings. His form warped and shifted as panic rose up into his throat, only calmed by the feeling of Raph's hand upon his shoulder.

"Uhh, Leo? Where are we?"

Leo shrugged, closing the bottle of nail polish for the moment.

He heard a loud crash from somewhere far off, and he felt Raph flinch. He startled as well, neck snapping loudly as he found himself staring at the now nearly upside-down crowd.

A different version of him, a more /alive/ version glanced at him in horror.

A version of him and Donnie in fancy outfits simply waved.

"Nice scarves, guys! Probably should invest in one of those myself, huh? Might help with uh..." He motioned towards his very broken neck. "This whole situation. Mind givin' me a little help, Raphie?"

Raph simply sighed, presumably rolling her eyes before Leo felt his neck snap back into place. He rolled his shoulders, groaning.

"God, that never gets better. You'd think being dead would mean I'd stop getting sore!"

Raph snorted.

"I'm just glad ya stopped complainin' about your back for once. Makes you sound like Dad."

Leo gasped in fake offense.

"I am nothing like dad! /I/ don't have to do the congo to fix my back problems!"

Raph laughed a little louder.

"I don't think anythin' could fix what you got goin' back there, bro."

Leo hummed, deep in thought.

"Maybe if I fall off another roof it'll fix me!" He laughed, and Raph felt her heart twinge.

She's glad he can at least joke about it now, even if she'll never be able to.

Raph pushes the memory of Leo bleeding out in her arms away, and focuses on moving through the crowd to find a place to sit.

"You still gotta finish my nails, Leo!" She wiggles her nails in his face, giggling when he playfully snaps his beak at her.

"Yeah, yeah, I know! I'll finish 'em in a sec, O great Princess Raphie." He ends the sentence with a dramatic bow, nearly falling over with how hard he's laughing.

Raph smiles fondly at her little brother, his happiness contagious.

"Seriously though, where the hell are we?"

Leo just shrugs again.

"I dunno, probably some sort of uhh..." Leo finds a place to sit on the floor. "Some sort of competition? Maybe? Or like, a pageant or something."

He waves Raph over, patting the spot next to him excitedly.

"Now sit down! Your nails are gonna have to be /perfect/ for this!"

[lokis-army-77]

Safe With Me PT. 3

Eddie Munson x female reader

Word Count: 3970

This is a fix-it fic of season four of Stranger things. It follows the show, for the most part, I have just changed a few things so that I could add the character of the Reader.

Eddie and reader are bored and so they pass the time like anyone else would, by having sex.

Warning: 18+ Smut, daddy kink, dom Eddie, oral (m receiving), PinV unprotected sex.

Main Masterlist (taglist linked here) Series Masterlist

<<Previous Next >>

It was Monday now and there was no sight of our friends. No one had radioed us since they had left us Sunday morning, so, I was taking that as a good sign, hopefully. Having smoked a copious amount of weed yesterday, Eddie and I had almost cleared out all of our food stash. 

We were no town to three bottles of water, a half-eaten bag of regular Doritos as well as a full bag of cool ranch flavored one, a singular Grumpy Grape flavored Squeezit, a bag of unpopped popcorn, and a box of frosted flakes. 

I had a headache from all the sugar as I nursed one of the last bottles of water. “Remind me to give them an actual grocery list the next time they go to the store. I would have expected the junk food from the younger ones, but Steve knows better.” I groaned. 

“Yeah, I’d kill for some pizza rolls.” Eddie mused from the other side of the couch. 

“Yeah but the microwave is busted, I tried to start it up earlier so we could have popcorn, remember?” I pointed out.

“Shit, you're right.” He leaned his head back on the couch.

Tapping my fingers against my arms, I huffed. “I am so fucking bored.” 

“Says the one who could leave when she wants.” Eddie pushed at my feet as I went to lay them across his lap. 

I laughed, “If I were to leave, you would really be bored then. I may be here to keep you company but my main purpose is to keep you from going insane.” 

“You can’t keep me from doing that cause I already am,” Eddie joked back.

“Well then, I’m keeping you from falling further into the madness.” 

His hands massaged my feet and I giggled when he touched a particularly ticklish part. “Eddie stop, that tickles.” 

“Nah, I don’t think I will.” He grinned sadistically before he clamped down on my right ankle and wiggled his fingers over the bottom of my foot. 

“Stop!” I cried, laughing harder, trying to kick my foot from his grip.

“Why?”  

“Because! Stop please!” I pleaded with him. My abdomen was hurting with how hard I was laughing. “I can’t breathe! Eddie!” 

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. But only if you give me a kiss.” His tickling stopped but his grip on my ankle was holdfast, letting me know he could start again at a moment's notice. “Come on sweetheart, right here.” He tapped his index finger on his lips.

“I think I can handle that.” I pushed myself up and Eddie let go of my ankle. Scooting over to him, I threw my leg over his so that I was now straddling him. He smiled a dopey smile up at me as he puckered up his lips and closed his eyes. Giggling, I planned my lips on his. 

Eddie’s hands came to hold me at my waist as we kissed. The feeling of his lips on mine, although chapped, felt like pure heaven. It started off sweet, but soon his hands found their way under my shirt and they started gripping roughly at the exposed skin. His rings were cold on my back and he pressed me further into him, I gasped into his mouth at the feeling. Taking my open mouth as an advantage, Eddie immediately licked into my mouth with his tongue. I was surprised but nevertheless, I let him explore, meeting him with my own tongue. 

The sound of our kissing was wet and soft, like music to my ears, especially the short grunts he made when my hips started to slowly grind forward along the expanse of his thigh. As our kisses became greedy and harder, I could feel a dull ache begin to form in the pit of my stomach. 

“Eddie,” I sighed when I pulled away from his lips to kiss my way down the side of his neck. 

“Yeah, baby?” He breathed into my shoulder.

“We really shouldn’t be doing this, what if the others come by?” I asked, but never halted my grinding down on his leg. 

“Screw them, sweetheart, I need you.” He moved one of his hands from my back to my chin, pulling me to look at him. “I need you so bad.”

“Need you too,” I whined, feeling the ache permeate through my lower body.

“Why don’t you show Daddy how much you need him? Hum, baby?” Eddie knew what he was doing when his voice shifted to that low seductive tone and he pulled out one of the many names I used for him in bed. 

Wasting no time, I reconnected our lips and began to grind a little harder into his lap, there wasn’t much friction happening between two pairs of denim jeans but it was enough to have me panting after a few minutes. 

Eddie’s fingers fiddled with the buttons of my pants as he moved his lips from mine down my neck to where he stopped to suck along my collarbone. “Take these off, baby.”

Eagerly, I stepped off his lap and slowly, teasingly pushed my jeans down my legs. When they pooled around my feet, I stepped out of them and sat back on Eddie’s lap. Straight away his hands were toying with the soft lacey fabric of my black panties. 

“God, you are so beautiful, Princess. So fucken’ beautiful.” He kissed me deeply. I sighed happily when he gripped my hips again and started to lead my hips in grinding down on him. No longer covered by a thick layer of denim, I could now feel as my clit grazed lightly over his thigh through the thin layer of fabric that was my panties. 

“Fuck.” I pulled him into another wet kiss, wanting to be as close as possible. “Touch me please.” 

“No baby, I told you to show me how much you need me. I’m no touching you till you do that for me.” 

“But-”

“No buts or daddy’s gonna have to teach you a lesson on how to follow directions and talk back.” Eddie gave the outside of my thigh a sharp smack.

“Yes sir.” I lowered my head all the while still rubbing myself against him. 

“That’s more like it Sweetheart.” His thumb smoothed over the skin where he had hit me. 

After a few more times of rolling my clit along his thigh, I slid my way off his lap and between his legs. My eyes never lost contact with his as I dragged my hands over his chest and stomach before placing them on his lap. He stared down at me, mouth slightly a gap as I rubbed his quickly hardening cock through his black jeans. 

My fingers deftly unbuckled his handcuff belt and unzipped his pants. He sighed in relief as the tight pressure of being constrained in his pants left. Before I took him out, I gently massaged his thighs, smirking a bit when I felt the mussels in his legs twitch. 

“Come on baby, don’t keep Daddy waiting.” One of his hands fisted in my hair, and the other white-knuckled the fabric of the couch. 

I hummed in response, taking my eyes away from him so I could watch as I gingerly took his cock from the confines of his underwear and tugged down the tiniest bit on his pants so he could rest outside of them more comfortably. 

Although he was hard, the skin of his cock was soft and silky, surrounded by a thick bush of curly black hair which thinned out as it traveled up and disappeared under his t-shirt. I watched in awe, like always, as a thick milky bead of pre-cum pooled at the slit of his head. 

The thumb of my right hand slowly and tentatively, slid over that bead, smearing it along his angry red skin of him.

“Fuck,” Eddie breathed out, head leaning back, his hand clutching my hair a little tighter. 

The sounds he made always made me smile, happy to know I make him feel so good without having done much. My thumb swiped mack over the slit, smearing over a new bead of pre-cum. This time though, instead of using it to wet his cock, I let go of him and stuck my thumb into my mouth. 

“Mumm.” I moaned at the taste of him, salty and tangy. “You always taste so good, Daddy.”

“Yeah, baby?” He groaned.

“Yeah.” The reply was soft but I knew he heard.

Spitting into my hand, I placed it back on his cock, this time in the middle of his shaft, and began to pump up and down. It made a slick noise as I moved my hand at a moderate pace. 

“That’s it, princess, just like that.” At his words, I moved my left hand from its place on Eddie’s thigh and cupped his swollen and heavy balls. “Ah,” He moaned, hips bucking into my hand. “Come on baby, let Daddy have your mouth.”

I did as told, bringing my mouth up to the head of his cock, blowing gently onto the tip before opening wide and taking him in. His taste totally filled my scenes, there was nothing but him as I began to bob up and down. My hand stroked what couldn’t fit into my mouth without deep throating him and my other fondled his sack. 

Eddie was making soft moaning sounds along with a few grunts. His hand began to push my mouth further down onto him in turn making his cock ram father into my throat, eliciting a gag from me. 

“I love it when you gag on me. My fuckin’ favorite sound.” He cooed. He kept pushing me down, fucking himself with my throat. My hands moved from his cock so I could brace myself on his thighs. The fingers in my hair tightened, making me moan. 

After several thrusts into my mouth, Eddie let me go. My mouth came away from him, connected only by a long string of saliva from my lips to his head. I coughed a bit, trying to catch my breath. 

“Take those panties off and get up here.” His eyes were intense as they stared down at me, watching as I stood to slip my panties off. Eddie held his hand out once they were off my legs. I handed them to him. 

There was something about him bringing my panties to his face and taking a deep whiff that turned me on even more than I already was. My thighs pressed together tightly, trying to relieve the throbbing I was filling in my clit. 

“God,” he let out a guttural moan. “You smell so sweet.” He smiled up lazily at me before lifting his hips and tucking my panties into the back pocket of his jeans. 

When he was seated back fully on the couch, I went and took my place on his lap. 

“No, no baby, other way,” Eddie smirked, twirling his finger in the air. 

“Yes, Daddy.” I obeyed, moving off of him again and turning around. His hand came to rest on the small of my back, guiding me down into his lap. I could feel the hardness of his cock between us. “Now, take that shirt off baby, and the bra.” 

Eddie gasped a bit when I wiggled against his cock while pulling my shirt over my head. After it was thrown haphazardly to the ground, I unhooked the clasps of my bra and slid it off. All the while, his hands were exploring the soft skin of my back and hips. His grip on the plush, plump skin of my hips was sure to leave bruises for a couple of days, not that I minded any. 

“What now?” I asked as I felt him lean forward to press his lips to my spine. 

“I want you to fuck yourself on my cock.” The breath of his words tickled my skin and I pulled away slightly.

“But Daddy, we haven’t-,” I whined.

“What did I say about buts baby?” He tugged on my hair, cutting me off. 

A moan left me at the feeling, “No buts or I get punished.” 

“What a good girl, you remembered.” My stomach did a flip at the praise. “Now, I know you can take it, princess, I wouldn’t ask you to if I knew you couldn’t.” His thumbs rubbed tight soothing circles into my skin. 

“Okay, Daddy.” I looked back at him, grinning.

“That’s my good girl.” 

With that, I stood up slightly and reached between my legs for his cock. Eddie helped me a bit by grabbing hold of him, but after that, I was on my own. I slowly slid his tip through my wet folds. Honestly, I was sure I was so turned on, that I could just cum by him just speaking to me. 

Whimpering, I slowly seated myself down on him. He was tight, I could take him, but it was a shaper sting and stretch than it would have been if I had been worked up. My head lulled back when he bottomed out inside of me, at that angle, he filled me completely, he hit every nerve just right and he wasn’t even moving.

“You feel so good Daddy,” I leaned back into his chest. 

“Yeah, baby?” 

“Mumhum.” I nodded beginning to bounce my hips a bit. 

“Your cunt is tight as ever. Squeezin’ me so tight.” 

My hands shot out to hold onto the arm of the couch and the cushion beside us as Eddie’s hips jerked up slightly into me, making me lose my balance a bit. His hands held onto me tightly as my hips moved more. 

I couldn’t get enough of him and the feeling his cock gave me when it was inside of me. I moaned out loudly whenever my inside walls constricted around him. The cool spring air in the house hit my skin which was quickly becoming damp with perspiration. The mix of hot skin and cold air aroused a tingle in me which caused my nipples to pebble and harden and my skin to rise in goosebumps. 

Eddies hands began to explore my body as I upped my pace. “Fuck,” I whispers as he began to pinch my erect buds between his thumb and forefinger. At first, it was a soft pinch that soon grew into slight tugs and then harder tweaks. 

Arousal was seeping down from my cunt and over Eddie’s thighs. I was sopping wet and it was all because of the metalhead under me. 

“Come on baby, I think you can go a bit faster.” He groaned into my ear. 

I tried to pick up the base, but I could only go so fast. My legs and arms were beginning to ache as I used them to propel myself up off his cock only to come down and go right back up in quick succession. The position was one that put great strain on me without any help from him. Eddie, seeing that I was leveling off in speed, choose to remove his hands from my breasts and bring them back to my hips. His grip was strong, stronger than before, as he moved them for me, aiding his deep thrusts.

My mouth fell open at the sensation of him. His tip was hitting my cervix just right, every time he hit there was a shockwave of pleasure sent throughout my entire body. My hand holding onto the couch cushion slowly slithered into my lap and between my parted legs. I needed to feel something on my clit, anything other than cool air ghosting over. 

A loud squill left me as soon as I pressed my fingers to the bundle of nerves. I couldn’t keep my eyes open at the feeling of ecstasy. My hips sputters as my hand started to rub tight circles into my skin. The muscles of my forearm burned at the speed I was going. 

I was getting closer and the sloppy wet sounds of our fucking weren’t helping. With every squelch or slap of skin, I was clenching around him like my life depended on it. My breathing was becoming more and more labored and fast, I couldn’t catch up, not with all the movement, the want to cum but also the want to last longer. 

“Come on Princess, I can feel how that pretty pussy is squeezing me oh so tight. Let go, I know you want to.” His voice was beyond erotic. It was raspy from all his grunts and growls, similar to how he sounded after performing with his band, but way sexier. 

The heat of my body was becoming too much and so was the seemingly never-ending ache in my abdomen. “S’too much.” I cried as I ripped my hand away from my clit. My cunt spasmed at the sudden loss but it gave no relief as Eddie continued to fuck up into me. 

“Cum for me yeah? Need you to before I can baby. Come on.” He cooed into the skin of my back before practically throwing me down onto his cock and he thrust up and pulled me off to repeat the move. 

“Right there, m’rigth there.” I cried, chest heaving. 

Eddie moved one hand from my hip to my sensitive clit. “When I tell you to, you let go.” 

“Yes sir,” I nodded frantically, feeling that familiar needy, carnal pressure about to overflow. 

His fingertips finally pressed hard into me before being removed and harshly slapped against the wet skin of my clit. A cry of pain and pleasure erupted from me only to be gargled into a moan when he roughly began moving his fingers side to side in a quick motion against my clit. 

“Now, Princess, now.” 

My legs snapped shut around his hand as I let go. As I came, my screams filled the air.  My body shook and trembled against his with the release of all my pre-orgasm tension. It was unlike anything I had ever felt and altogether the most spectacular orgasm I had endured. 

Eddie’s fingers were still languidly stroking my clit after I came down, causing me to jerk my hips away and place my hands on his wrist to still him. 

“No more.” I pleaded. My muscles were like like jelly as I fell back against his chest, unable to hold myself up. 

“You did so good baby,” He praised while placing soft, gentle kisses along my shoulder. 

I sighed into him, exhausted, never wanting to leave his embrace. “M’humgry.” I mumbled. 

“Well, let's get cleaned up first.” He lifted my hips. “Come on, up you go,” he chuckled. 

I gasped at the feeling of being empty as well as the sensation of his cum flowing down my thighs. Too busy having my own orgasm, I didn’t notice if he had had his. 

Eddie left me sitting on the couch before he walked off into the kitchen. He came back with a damp rag which he used to gently clean up the mess we had made. 

He sighed as he looked up at me. “I probably shouldn’t have used one of our last bottles of water to do this, but Rick’s water has been turned off too.”

“Eddie,” I grumped. “Really?” 

“Sorry,” He scrunched his face up.

“I guess I could go to town real quick and get us some stuff.” I sat up, now shivering from being completely naked in the spring air. “Here, hand me my shirt.” I stuck my hand out and Eddie stretched over the coffee table to grab my shirt. 

“Don’t do that, we can just call Henderson.” 

“Eddie,” I huffed as I threw the shirt over my head. “We need water to live, as well as more food, and Dustin and the others haven’t answered us since seven thirty, it’s almost-,” I stopped for a second to grab his wrist and pull it toward me to look at his watch. “It's almost three now. If they were gonna come give us stuff they would have told us and they would have been here by now.” 

He snatched his writs away and started to gather up the rest of my clothes which were strewn across the living room. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, you still aren’t going.”

“And why is that? Saturday night you didn’t want me to stay with you.” 

“Can’t a guy change his mind?” He tossed my pants and bra at me.

“I mean yeah, but why? Also, Eddie, I’m gonna need my underwear back.” I sighed, slipping my bra on under my shirt.

“Nope, they’re mine now.” He gave an evil smirk as he pats his back pocket with my panties sticking out the tiniest bit. 

“You’re gross, you know that?” I stood unsteadily and slipped on my pants, shifting at the uncomfortable feeling of denim on my bare cunt. “You also didn’t answer my question.”

“Don’t make me say it.” Eddie crossed his arms over his chest. 

“How am I supposed to make you say what ‘it’ is?” I flopped back on the couch.

“I just don’t want you to go, that's all.”

“Yeah, but there is an underlying reason. Come on, baby, you can tell me.”

“I,” He started, “Just forget about it, he stalked into the kitchen.

I stood to my feet, wobbled a little, but eventually made it to the table he was seated at. My hands ran over his shoulders and down his chest so that I was hugging him from behind. I stuck my face around him, resting my chin in the crook of his neck. “Tell me, please?” I asked sweetly.

“Ugh, fine.” He gave in. “You make me feel safe. I-I don’t want to be left alone.” His hands came up to grasp at mine, holding them tightly.

I turned my head on his shoulder to look at him better. “Eds baby, there is no shame in being scared. What happened to you was anything but sunshine and rainbows and I don’t expect you to be fine overnight. I’m sorry I pushed you.”

He raised my right hand to his mouth and gave it a peck. “S’okay. I just never thought I would be scared like this ever in my life and telling you, someone I consider I am supposed to protect from everything, makes me feel like I can’t even do that.” 

I could feel tears pooling in my eyes, Eddie rarely got emotional, but when he did, it always made me cry. “Can you turn around?” I asked, voice wavering as I let go of him and backed up.

He scooted his chair around to where he was facing me and gave a short smile. I whipped my tears away with the back of my hands and took a step back to him.

“I love you, you know that?” I cupped his cheeks in my hands and brought his lips to mine. It was a sweeter kiss compared to the ones we shared only a little while ago, full of unadulterated emotion. He kissed back tenderly, his hands moving my sides, pulling me into him. 

“I love you.” He muttered against my lips. I smiled at those three words. Eddie never said I love you too, only I love you, letting me know that his love was not a reply to my own, that it wasn’t conditional on if I loved him as well, it was I love you because he wholeheartedly and truly did. 

With one last peck to his lips, I pulled away and walked to the side of the table which had the bags of food. Taking out the half-eaten bag of regular Doritos, I looked at Eddie. “Well, I guess this is as good as it's gonna get.”

Eddie Taglist: @loveofmylife12@ellabellabus07@wickedwitchofwest@siriusstwelveyears@ameliakf13 @milly-louise @darkscrossfire @harrypotter-posts @dedeinspire @ccosmic-illusion @eddiesbirdie @castiels-gracex @luvwanda @whimsywisher

Safe with me taglist: @xceafh @lagataprrr

[mackenzielovee]

https://onmykneesforrafe.tumblr.com/post/690434673037459456 babes I know that you said you might have a go at my idea and I’m so fucking excited. I’ve been thinking that this is rafe to the fucking max because he so beyond obsessed. I just fucking know that while y/n is making Conner or jo lunch rafe is just trying to get more milk from her I just fucking know it

okay yes so lets talk about it

warnings: lactation kink and swearing

     Rafe adjusts himself in his pants subtly as he watches you, exhausted beyond belief, cradling his daughter in your arms as you beg her to latch. 

She refuses. You beg. Rafe swallows his spit to dry his throat, trying not to offer his own solution. 

He’d mentioned it once. You’d laughed — assuming he was joking — and in your haze of exhaustion, you hadn’t noticed how he clenched his jaw. 

Now, you whine quietly at your baby daughter, suspicion resting in the back of your mind that feeding her from a bottle might just have to be the way to go. 

“Is it me?” you ask Rafe in your tired state, “Am I doing something wrong?” 

His eyes flicker down to your swollen breast, “Absolutely not.”

You just sigh, “Come on, Jo. Latch, honey. Please.” 

Your breasts have never been more sensitive. You’ve never felt more uncomfortable, even after going through two pregnancies. Rafe rises from his armchair and crosses the room, sitting down beside you and resting a hand on your knee. He leans forward, covering his hard-on with his arm. 

“Sweetheart, let me get her one of the bottles you pumped yesterday. You’re too tired for this.” 

You shake your head, adamant that you’re fine. Slowly, Rafe reaches and takes Josie from your arms, and after a moment, you release her. You put your head back on the couch and shut your eyes, trying your best to hold back tears. 

You’ve had the hormone lecture with Rafe plenty of times. He tells you to cry when you need to and does his best to take care of your every need, leading you to at least feel less alone in your hormonal stages. 

You listen as he hears Josie’s bottle, and you’re sure he tests the milk on his arm before he feeds her. You hear him talk to her as she drinks, and after you doze for a bit, he comes back into the living room. Josie is fast asleep now; happy and full thanks to her Dad. 

Rafe sets her in her pack ‘n play to continue her rest, then steps over to immediately check on you. You give him a fake smile and move to rest your head on his shoulder, your breast still half out from another failed attempt at feeding Josie. 

“Thanks for feeding her,” you mumble. 

He nods, “Of course, baby. Is there— Can I help you?” 

You laugh before you can help it, turning into his neck to leave a gentle kiss there for how sweet he’s being. 

“There’s nothing you can do, Rafe,” you tell him. 

All at once, he shifts his body toward you, and the hand you’d set on his chest falls to his thigh. It takes one swipe of your hand, one intimate, loving motion, for your eyes to pop open. 

“Sorry,” he mutters, the tips of his ears turning pink. 

You fed your eyes start to well up again, cursing yourself silently. 

“We— I can’t, I’m sorry, I just—“ 

“Hey, hey,” he stops you, “Don’t apologize. I’m fine. I can take care of myself. I’m just worried about you.” 

Sighing, you look down to your chest, “I guess I just need to pump. They hurt.”

“Will you please let me help you?” 

Your eyes move over to his as you take in his serious expression. 

“Like, go find my pump?” you clarify. 

He shakes his head, sliding off the couch and settling on his knees on the floor, parting your thighs to sit between them. 

“Not exactly,” he mumbles, “Trust me?” 

You nod, “I do.” 

He takes a deep breath and reaches up, removing your loose shirt from your chest completely. You whimper as his fingertips graze your breasts, the pain from the soreness coming out in waves. 

“Just relax, okay? I’m gonna fix it.” 

You move to speak, but when his tongue experimentally flicks over your right nipple, you lose all ability to speak. He watches your responsiveness; the way your back arches and you cry out at the sensation. 

“Oh, my—”

“Shh,” he urges, “Don’t wanna wake her, do we?”

You shake your head, holding eye contact with him, “Please.”

He latches on before you can say another word. Your eyes roll back as Rafe wastes no time — immediately sucking and swallowing as he attempts to drain you. Trying to be as discreet as possible, he reaches down with his left hand and starts palming himself through his shorts, trying to get some sort of simulation as he sucks. 

You bite down on your lip when Rafe moans against your breast, giving you a small smile as his tongue works expertly against you. 

“Rafe,” you moan quietly, “Feels so good. It’s working.”

He smiles and pulls back for a moment, his lips bright pink and puffy and his eyes hazy. 

“Good. Good, baby. You taste so good. Let me finish.”

You barely have time to nod as he switches breasts, licking up the bit of fluid already leaking from you. His hand works faster against his shorts, and the second you moan, he explodes. His shorts display a wet patch where he came, but he doesn’t care. He’s taking care of you, tasting you, and loving every second of it.

“That’s it,” you encourage. 

He nods against you, draining you quickly to try and rid you of your discomfort. He sees the exact moment you feel better — when you exhale and lean back, letting your eyes flutter closed under no pain or soreness. He doesn’t stop, though. In fact, he pulls you closer to him and switches breasts again, trying to drain every drop if you’ll let him. 

“Wanted to do this so bad when you had Connor,” he confesses, “But I held back. Took drops when I tested the temperature of his bottle. You’re so fucking sweet. Your body is incredible. Can’t believe you let me do this.”

“Thank you,” you blurt, “I feel so much better. You don’t have to—”

“Want more,” he grumbles. 

“Rafe,” you chuckle, “You can’t dry me out. I’m okay now, I promise.”

He frowns but stops, leaving little kisses on the underside of each of your breasts before he moves up to kiss your lips. 

“Fair warning,” he mumbles just before he kisses you, “I came in my fucking shorts.”

You laugh, quickly covering your mouth when you realize Josie’s stirring, “Sorry.”

He smiles and kisses you, “Come on, sweetheart. You’re so tired.”

Rafe helps you into your bedroom and puts you in clean clothes, then tucks you in on your side of the bed. He gives you a goodnight kiss, making sure you have everything you need. 

“I’m gonna sleep out there with Jo. I want you to get an entire night’s worth of sleep. You deserve it.”

Too tired to fight, you signal for a kiss and mumble out a thank you before letting your eyes close.

Rafe makes himself comfortable on the couch after he changes his shorts, unable to believe he’d finally done it. He falls asleep dreaming of your taste, diagnosing himself as addicted. 

     The next day, Rafe finds you in the kitchen making lunch for Connor, who is sitting at the kitchen table playing on your phone. He watches you fondle your breast, wincing slightly as you grow uncomfortable once more. Josie rests in her baby base on the counter, and when Rafe wanders over, he pinches her cheek and watches her smile. 

“You okay?” he whispers to you. 

“Yes.”

“Let me help you,” he says quickly.

“Rafe, I’m fine—”

“No, you’re not. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. Let me help, please. It’ll be quick.”

You can see the want in his eyes, and for a moment, you wonder if this is more about him than it is about you. 

Rafe can feel his pants tightening at the promise of getting to taste you again. He’d been unable to think about anything else for longer than five seconds today, having just been staring at your breasts and waiting for you to show any sign that they hurt. 

“This is ridiculous. Connor is—”

“Paying zero attention. He has no idea what’s going on. Please, sweetheart.”

Slowly, you nod, watching him grin and lean down to kiss your forehead. He guides you over to the opposite counter and lifts you up, setting you down on it. He swallows as he watches you pull your v-neck down, exposing your swollen breasts to him just as you did last night. 

“Quickly,” you mumble. 

He nods and latches on, moaning when he tastes you again. After you’d had Josie, you’d been given a time frame for when you could have sex again. Rafe, ever so understanding, silently tells himself that he can’t wait to be able to do this while he’s inside you. 

“God, shit, you taste so good, baby,” he groans.

He switches breasts, and soon, he leads you right back into that comfortable place you’d been in last night. 

“Thank you,” you pant, guiding him away the second you feel better. 

Rafe frowns but pulls back, wiping the corners of his mouth with his fingers as you fix your shirt. You hop down off the counter and step back over to continue fixing Connor’s lunch, who is still lost in his game. 

You’re not at all surprised when Rafe presses himself into your back, smirking as he buries his face into your neck. 

“You let me know when you want me again, okay?”

You turn around, pecking him on the lips, “Okay. Thank you.”

He reaches over you and pops a grape into his mouth, smiling as he does so.

“The pleasure is mine, sweetheart.”

[justekasmindx]

I won't let anything hurt me like this much again.

This is going to be the last time that I will cry for somebody.

Thank you, God, for letting me experience how deep a passionate love is, but this is going to be the last time.

Thank you for reminding me how much love I can give to someone else, because that showed how deep my cup is and how generous I am to give somebody even if I have to pour my cup empty.

From now on, I will prioritize my own sanity just like what I did that caused the end of the relationship. I never regret leaving it to save my mental health.

It still hurts, you know, because I just got myself disappointed for expecting that somebody will pursue to change just to be with me while respecting my boundaries. Because I liked this person so much, or loved even.

It was hard leaving the relationship, because I knew deep inside I would love to stay, and settle for what he can give.

I've had doubts in my own decisions but at the end of the day, I know what I did was right. I know I deserve so much better and because I loved him, I was almost willing to give up my own standards.

Since I am in therapies and processes of healing, I prioritize my own health, even losing the man I liked, because he didn't want to show more just like what I could. His funny jokes ended in disrespecting me, and also funny, I am at the part of my life that my self respect is at its peak. So it didn't work, he didn't pass the standards, because he chose to, or maybe he didn't intend to but that's how he is and I can never force a person to change just to be with me. So I left it.

In the past few months my mind has been bugging me to make a move, then I did the other day and I got my answer. He loves someone else now. I am truly happy for him that he finally got what he wanted, a relationship with someone near him. It hurt like there's a sword pushing through my chest and my eyes wouldn't stop crying. I felt something that I experienced before, when one of my exes found a new one a few days after we broke up. It hurts just like that and that made me say "I won't let anyone or anything make me cry or hurt this much again."

But what can I do, I can't blame anyone or even myself. I signed up for this and love comes with pain. It is what it is and nothing's going to change it. All I can do is move forward, survive each day even with tears, even if it hurts. I'll be okay, and I am more inspired now to take action and love myself more, make myself better physically and mentally. One day I will just laugh at this. Because I am resilient and I am born to succeed in this life even without a romantic love.

[rachelianello]

Officially six months seizure free!...Again. I won't ever drive again. I just don't want something to happen while I am driving and harm anyone that is on the road near me. I don't like driving anyways. I also have neuropathy. Pins and needles in my legs and feet times a million at first. I couldn't walk the pain was so bad. I couldn't even stand. Three weeks later after being in the hospital for a week a fucking MRI with some drug that calmed me down I was diagnosed with neuropathy which I already said. I was transferred to a in patient physical rehab facility for two weeks. The rain was still so bad and standing hurt. I couldn't even shower myself. Those two weeks with those therapist meant more that anything to more. Yes did I have to use a walker and a wheelchair after I got out? Absolutely. It has been a year not and I don't need to use my walker and I use my wheelchair to walk/jog around my neighborhood with my little puppy dog Otto. I went so long without being able to do anything like that. I just use my wheelchair for balance. I am not trying to walk around my neighborhood and fall down and scrape my knees. I mean, lets be real, I am not a ripe banana anymore just one with a lot of brown spots but more yellow. ALSO, IF I EVER HEAR ANYONE TELL ME THAT THEIR LEG FELL ASLEEP OR THEIR ARM AND THEY FEEL PINS AND NEEDLES AND IT HURTS. WHAT A JOKE. MY FEET WILL FEEL THAT WAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND I AM USED TO IT. MY MEDICATION HELPS BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY. My bad but don't be a little bitch, bro. Anyways....THANKYOU MOTHERFUCKING MISSOURI FOR LEGALIZING MARIJUANA.

I was very close to getting my medicinal card but my dealer always hooked me up. They still do but there is nothing better than walking as slow as I can into a dispensary and picking out what I want. My primary care Doc and all my other specialist ask if I smoke and I tell them, "Just Mary Jane." They look at me and say, "Well, its not illegal so I can't tell you not to and your oxygen/breathing is great. I am glad to helps." My gynecologist, neourologist, seizure doc and all the other docs I see say the same.

Still take my meds. Honestly, The first time had a seizure was the scariest. Not because I was in pain but I was at work and fell down and hit my head so hard. I can't believe I didn't break my glasses. Luckily I had so many employees around me to help. Not trying to toot my own horn but I was a pretty badass Kitchen Manager. I thought anyways. I tried my best. I was carried out for my first ride on the ambulance and the only thing I can remember was my General Manager asking me to call my best friend Kamryn and I said yes. My General Manager never stopped taking food orders. More than half the staff walked out that night. Saturday, February 19th 2021 9PM...Buffalo Wild Wings. My best friend was at the hospital before I even was even though I was rushed on the ambulance. I had covid to haha. If I knew that I would have never went to work but I needed to be at work for that seizure to happen. What would I have done if I was at home where I lived alone and that happened to me?

That was long. I don't care care if anyone reads this but PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE SEIZURES OR ANY OTHER MEDICAL CONDITIONS. IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT DOESN'T ONLY MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES..ESPECIALLY SOMETHING THEY CAN'T CONTROL BUT IT IS SO SCARY FOR ANYONE AROUNT THEM TO WITNESS IT.

I PROMISE, NO ONE IS LAUGHING ABOUT YOUR IGNORANCE. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS BEING IN THE HOSPITAL..GETTING POKED BY MULTIPLE NEEDLES, (EVERY HOUR..ESPECIALLY RIGHT WHEN YOU FALL ASLEEP AND INSTANTLY WAKE UP AGAIN) HAVING SOMEONE WATCH YOU SHIT, WEARING A DIAPER AND PEEING YOUR PANTS, NOT ALLOWED ANY FRIENDS/FAMILY TO SEE YOU, NOT BEING ABLE TO SHOWER FOR A WEEK, LET ME KNOW. IF YOU WANT TO TAKE MEDICATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFT THATS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME. IF ONE DAY YOU DON'T TAKE IT YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY HOPE THAT WHO WONT HAVE A SEIZURE THAT DAY. I have dreams of anyone that I am helping someone having a seizure.

Moral of this post. Please, be a kind human. You never know what someone is going though.

[astainedglasswindow]

For Lauren:

This is a meaningful and personal anecdote I have about Lauren. When I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, I was terrified. I was scared and nervous and I felt guilt and shame. I was a 17 year old girl who had a diarrhea problem and I was swimming in a sea of aggressive high school girls, ready to pounce. I was afraid to be sad because I didn’t want to make my parents feel worse than they did and I really didn’t want to let myself feel sadness. I fought myself through the diagnosis and recovery. Constantly convincing myself that it didn’t hurt me, mentally, physically, or emotionally. I made ‘fake it till you make it’ my reality. 

But on one of my brief moments of weakness, Lauren mentioned the concept of infinity to me. I was told that my disease was incurable. my brain stopped listening after that. I heard stuck forever and I spiraled. It felt like a flaw that I would have to explain to my friends and my future husband. I felt broken without any explanations of how I got this disease and evidently, there was no cure. Adulthood started to look so different for me. I didn’t want a colostomy bag. I didnt’ want to have to watch what I eat. I didnt’ want steroids. I didn’t want infusions. I wasn’t sure how I would explain this to anyone, because the disease was so new to me. I wanted to know more but I was afraid of what I would learn. Lauren told me that forever isn't always bad. I thought, “easier said than done,” rolled my eyes, and told myself, I was on my own. I have to deal with this alone. She then explained to me why forever isn’t always bad. 

 She told me like my dad’s love for me, for example. My dad woke up every night for months, after my diagnosis. He wanted to make sure I was sleeping instead of running to the restroom alone, like I had been for months before.  That no one else would do that for me, without me asking. That my dad would love me and take care of me, even if I needed a colostomy bag. She then told me that her love for me, was forever. She then proceeded to tell me why it was great to have a restricted diet, as a female, that I would always be skinny. She tried to cheer me up, anytime I felt like I was in a dark hole, alone. She and my dad bought me a ring that had that symbol, infinity. I wear that ring every day, and every time I look at it, I think of them. She came through for me again. I had just had my first craniotomy and I unexpectedly lost my speech. 

I was scared and depressed. How would I continue my life? would I be permanently handicapped? I could only say a few words, “weird” was the constantly reoccurring word. It came out whenever I spoke. I called her, my dad, and jared. They were in the car. They tried to direct the conversation, knowing that I couldn’t really respond. They all tried their hardest, but it was apparent that it was difficult. they were worried about me and wanting to know how I was doing but I couldn’t tell them. I cried listening to them struggle to things to tell me about. Lauren made a joke about me saying the word “weird.” something along the lines of, “why do you keep saying that? what is weird?” she said it casually. Before anyone could stop her, I laughed. I laughed because she knew that I didnt’ mean to say weird, but it was the elephant in the room. It made this struggle, livable. It wasn’t being ignored or pretended like it didn’t exist. I genuinely laughed hard. Then Lauren told me she would see me soon, as if I was being dropped off at school, instead of at Stanford hospital waiting for my next craniotomy. Her making light of the situation, made everything seem like it was going to be ok.  

Lauren shared many of her interests and passions with me. One being reading. John Green one of our favorite authors wrote about infinities that stood out to both me and her. So I will end with this today. “I am not a mathematician, but I know this. There is an infinite between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” Lauren showed me that no matter, our love is forever and even though she passed away at such a young age, her influence and love live on. I notice things about myself, randomly, that I know she has impacted my life, for the better. I loved our quality time together, even if it's not as long as I want, some infinities are bigger than other infinities. 

[cokkebabbbygirl]

Dear dad,

I miss you so much I've been thinking about you a lot lately I can't seem to anything right in this life... my life is a complete mess and I have no idea what to do anymore I'm disappointing everyone in my life I'm addicted to drugs and drink everyday just to make myself feel better I can't live like this but I'm not strong enough to get myself into rehab I feel like everyone wants me to fail... people said they would help but as soon as I agreed to get help it had to be there way or it wasn't happening I didn't think was fair to me so I said fuck it and went did more drinking and drugs. You been gone 7 years already like where did the time go I miss you so fucking much and I hurt every fucking day the same as if it happened today. I wish you never had to leave me I honestly don't want to go on any longer without you everyone keeps telling me how disappointed in me you are and how much they are so much as we'll say fuck it all and just end it all. I want you to be proud me more then anything in this life.

Dad if you can hear me when I talk to you I hope you know I'm sorry for not being the daughter you wanted I promise I'll try and be better but I don't think I'll ever get better but I will try but I don't know how much pain I can take before I die from a broken heart. You were my world my protector my hero I lost my world no one understands that they keep telling me to get over it an I can't fucking get over it you were my fucking dad. I keep getting told I need help talk to someone we'll I don't fucking trust anyone in this world. Everyone close to me I open my heart to ends up leaving I will never let anyone break me like you did when you left me to go to heaven I know you didn't have a choice but im so mad you left and I didn't even get a hug before you left.

The day I got the call you weren't breathing I stop breathing too my heart fell to my stomach I couldn't imagine you leaving me I thought it was a joke. My whole world changed forever all from one call you were gone. I can't imagine ever going through that again I won't ever go through it again if mom goes I go too cause I can't keep going without you both. I wish they would of took me instead of you every day I'm just wasting my life so what's the point why do they always take the good ones it's not fair. I don't deserve to be here I'm wasting a life on drugs and liquor what's the point.

My life is a fucking battle everyday I don't want even get out of bed most days I would rather be in bed where I can't hurt anyone anymore. Everyone in my life doesn't want to help they just say they do to make themselves feel better but Im not going to ask or talk to anyone anymore im just keep pushing through in my own head and try to keep going. It's killing me I can't be happy even I am something or someone comes and fucks it up and makes feel exactly how I don't want to feel. I feel nothing anymore I'm so numb I feel it's gunna be hard to be happy I feel nothing I won't let anyone in cause im scared of getting hurt again I feel like im not worth loving im so lost and I don't think im ever coming back. Where is the old me where I didn't have to fake laugh or fake smile everyone thinks im okay and im happy but im far from either fucking one. I just want some relief from all the anxiety and depression, I want to wake up not fucking want to kill myself for once in my life. They is so much fucking negative people in my life and I can't not talk to them cause they are our family. My life is forever a struggle why not for once I can wake up and not have a gut feeling that something will go wrong once again.

Dad I really need you right now I'm so fucking lost I need some help tell me I will be okay and this pain will get easier to deal with. I want you to hug me one more time and say I can do this. I hate living so fucking scared of life. I'm so scared it's destroyed so many of my relationships I can't even talk without losing it cause I want to hurt people before they hurt me. I miss the day life was easy to get up and smile and be happy life was simple. I would give everything in this world to be okay and trust someone again.

I feel so fucking alone why do people say they care but honestly if I left tomorrow no one would even notice I'm gone one less stressful thing in their lives. People think pills and talking to someone who fucking doesn't understand the pain I feel won't help I can take meds and talk to someone but it's not gunna help if I'm always fucking alone. I'm so fucking stressed all the time cause I'm always thinking about who's leaving next or who's gunna destroy me next it's fucked to feel this but I feel like this minute of my day just waiting for the next storm. I would rather everyone just leave me now so I don't have to worry about it anymore that way they don't have to control my life anymore. Everyone needs to be happy if I remove myself everyone will be so much happier.

My addiction is getting so bad I'm at the point where I can't not be high on something if it's not hard drugs it's weed like what happened to me. I use to do drugs but I could control it but now I can't anymore it's like I gotta drink or be high cause I want to feel nothing that's what it's come to I just want to be in peace. When im high I can think to straight the funny thing is no one knows how fucked up my head really is and they will never know cause im never giving my heart and opening it up ever again. I destroy relationships before I get hurt every time I can't love im forever destroy. Every guy says they know im damaged but they can never handle it and end up leaving cause im forever damaged. I just want someone who tells me they love me would actually mean it or saying let's get through this together but can't get over my past which is a fucked up past because I choose drugs and liquor over getting hurt. I wish they would stay long enough to see pass all my damaged parts and hurt to see I'm trying but no one stays long enough to care. I'm never gunna be loved.

Dad please tell me what I did to deserve all this hurt and depression what did I do to be stuck in a world where I feel like a fucking ghost but alive. Please tell me why I keep pushing and it's going no where but causing me so much pain. Please tell me why I would stay in a world I feel dead in. Why me dad why do I have to hurt so much. What's real in this life anymore cuase I know the real life is hurt pain and wanting to end it all. I'm living like a ghost no one noticed me cause I'm to damaged.

My heart is broke I can't feel anything but pain I've tried everything to be happy. Everyone thinks I'm good I'm really good at faking I'm okay no one knows how I really feel. I'm so good everyone thinks I'm not drinking or doing drugs.. it's sad no one sees the hurt in my eyes that I'm actually screaming for someone to save me from this pain. I never thought I would be the one screaming for help cause I help everyone with everything but when i need someone no one is in sight... people expect me to be strong so that's what im doing I don't break down in front of people I break down in private, if I break down that's more for them to hold against me I won't let that happen cause no one else is going to break me more then I'm broken already.

Why do men have to look at me like I'm just a piece of meat they can fuck then expect me to be okay with it. I met a man about a month ago this guy told me he wouldn't leave no matter how much I Fuck up or how damaged I am. I told him about doing drugs one night and all of a sudden he started calling ne a liar and finding a way to leave. I truly seen a future with him but he left. Then texted me Tuesday to come fuck after calling me everything in the book like Fuck you man. What pissed me off the most is he said not to lie to him but he was lying to me the whole time saying i was his and for once I was starting to let someone in and he broke me yet again I thought I was stronger but I wasn't.

One day I will breath normal again and will have peace if I keep fighting just don't know how much longer I can not wait to breath again.

Dad please come back and help me get through this fucking hell I need my dad to tell me I can do this and give me a fucking hug again.

Everyday I feel like im in a dream I just want to wake up one day and go back 7 years when things made sense to me and I had no worries. When I go to sleep I wish every night I don't wake up. 

Every time I feel like I can't make it anymore I listen to music it helps and I just talk to you dad and I don't want to run away but it helps when I just put my head phones in hide and act like no one else is around I don't know what else to do honestly it sucks so much being so fucking broken and you have anxiety every time you don't want to go around people cause I feel like im forever being set up for failure or something bad is going to happy just feel so gross and not worth anything. That's why I just stay in my room and act like everything is fine. It's so hard going through life scared of everything and everyone. Im so scared why do I have to be like this I wish I was never like this. I want a normal life but I don't think that will ever happen. I'm lost and no one notices the pain no one understand the hell I've been through and the pain I feel.

Can someone else take this pain so I don't have it go through this anymore I'm not the same I'm so lost and confused and I need help to get rid of all this pain and suffering I'm so lost need help can someone tell me how I can be okay I don't want to prove I can do this anymore by myself cause I can't I need help. I'm screaming help me but no one will help me.

Why am I never good enough for anyone I help everyone and always care about everyone and get nothing in return. I just wish someone notice me and say you are worth it let me help you to try and relieve all that pain and just hug me and let me cry.

I want to be alive but I'm not okay but I have no one will listen always feel like a burden on peoples on lives how do you explain hell to someone. I AM NOT OKAAAY. I feel once I do break will I have anyone there to put me back together when I need it the most. Would anyone notice tonight if I just left or will they fight with me to get out of this hell. Will anyone be there if I actually told them what is going through this fucking head of mine.

These wounds are so deeps when people tell me I'm not good enough or saying I'm fat just calling me down all the time isn't going to help me heal it's just making it easier to leave... people make it seem like me being sick I am a freak. No one wants to understand being depressed is like being sick with cancer it eats away at you and it's all in your head and it never goes away. People in my life don't understand the demons I have they pretend they do but they really don't understand any of it.

What's the point of holding on when no one knows I'm so sick cause I can't live with the demon inside me I hate holding it in but im sick of being a burden on this world they need to let me just go so I can be happy again.

Please god give me a break for a week or two I can't do this pain much longer.

[ggstargetedlife]

Long, hard day I did what I could to make the best out of despite the obstacles. Blasted out by the neighbors with their DEW's just about all day. Very little "resting" periods. My head started hurting so bad, I finally took an advil and might have to take another before bed. Physically, my body is exhausted. My abusers couldn't care less, always telling me to "get over it!" through their microphones. I can't help wondering sometimes if they'd have the same sentiments if anything were ever forced upon them or their loved ones against their will by others 🤔 I tried asking this question several times before since this new tactic of theirs kicked up, and quickly learned, the worst of the worst predators never move with logic or with their victim's wellbeing in their minds. Never. Trying to reason with anyone involved is like pleading with a wall. Their hearts were conditioned with cold, hard hatred the moment they were pulled in to the "game" which is no game at all except to those not on the receiving end.

Tonight, as I chilled out with my folks for our Wednesday night family time, I enjoyed myself. Of course, the V2K was going nonstop. After already having blasting me out, or as they now call it, "zapping" me, I could tell they were fishing for a reaction from me. They swung from one end of the verbal abuse spectrum to another, eventually growing loud and aggressive. Any time I laughed and joked with my folks, they screamed for me to shut up, particularly Michael's daughters and girlfriend. Any form of genuine happiness I express always gets attacked, as all involved despise seeing me truly joyous. I completely ignored them, having yet again reached my cutoff point for abuse. When I'm done, I'm just done, and I was totally done with their sneers, jeers and insults.

Finally, they tried one last desperate measure which at the time I found very bizarre, but actually goes along well as another gaslighting attempt on their part. The Backyard Neighbors From Hell told me if I go along with the lie they are trying to facilitate with their DEW's Sickening tactics and give my family this lie, they will stop.

"Ahh hell naw," James piped up immediately, turning to me in my mind's eye. "Don't go along with no lie! That's like admitting to a crime you didn't commit!" He's right. I just wish he'd remember that during the times he chooses to negatively play into their bullshit against us out of spite. Again, it's obvious not only the B.Y. Neighbors but the Elites too desperate to discredit me, even among my own family, as well as try to tear us apart. I'm keeping with my original theory over this sudden development. I'm too tired to try and even rationalize any possible morsel of good intent in our enemy's agenda. There is none. Out of nowhere, everything went from bad to worse since September. I believe J, the world is merely sick of trying to control us, mold us into the mindless slaves they've wanted from the beginning, and now they merely wish to slowly kill us off, watching us fight to get through it all till we die quicker than we were meant to in this life. With a new, sudden emphasis on the lie of us being 'pedophiles' it all just screams desperacy on their behalf to justify the increased, extreme no-touch torture tactics. My enemies have kept that ridiculous lie going for years, but now suddenly they are hyping it up all the more. It all makes sense: they really are trying to murder us off in a way that is virtually unable to be proven unless the institution of gangstalking itself is finally exposed in completion.

Without God's intervention in a strong manner, it is impossible to protect my body from the invisible attacks. What works for other T.I.'s my aggressors had much fun proving useless when I tried the methods for myself. It is no exaggeration when I say, I'm the most hated T.I. in all the world. There is absolutely no other Targeted Individual who's gone through or is going through what I am to such an extent. Their Handlers seem to have at least a shred of remorse and care for their wellbeing. Hell, it'd be better if mine just made it a quick kill than all of this slow "rotting out" bullshit they're doing.

Nothing I can really do at this point but continue enduring. I can hear the B.Y. Neighbors as usual going nuts through the V2K over me expressing myself on here. I swear, that entire family will go to their graves hating my guts. They've been the most hateful, the most cold and cruel with no shame in their game. I'll no doubt have to deal with them full force when I go to bed tonight with no music pumping into my ears. But at least the 'zapping' will be done with. Once my head hits the pillow, as J says, we can act a real fool on them in my mind because they're apparently on red-light status. I don't even get that heavy heat sensation in my body as much once it's bedtime. Even when I do, that Sickened feeling is missing completely. If I didn't have such a challenge getting to sleep at night, they'd probably keep it going. Outside of steadily abusing the V2K, they allow me to struggle alone rather than adding to it with their devices in a heavy handed manner. I really don't want to deal with them tonight. I miss having my mind to myself, without their V2K remarking on every little thing. They know I hate it when they have conversations about me in my own damn mind as if I'm not even there, so they're doing that more often too, as if I'm some damn case study, an "experiment." 🙄 If we gotta go to war tonight with them yet again, I'll do so. But damn, I wish they'd take a full day and night off for once. I'd do anything in the world for them to move out of their house and far, far away. I don't think there is any family out there quite worse than theirs. I could be wrong, but so far they rank #1 in being the worst abusers known to society. At least towards me on such a consistent basis.

[ecoamerica]

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

[eggielix]

🌹drabble prompt list🌹

I will try to get to requests as quickly as possible! But please remember that I'm a student so I have school as well!

Do read my request rules list before requesting!!

FLUFF SPEECH:

1. “how have you survived this long on your own?”

2. “your smile really lights up the room.”

3. “i’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice”

4. “do you have a crush on me or something?”

5. “it’s 5am, why are you awake on the couch watching an 8 hour video essay on victorious?”

6. “i didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much.”

7. “do you know how beautiful you are? it’s truly distracting.”

8. “are you wearing my sweater?”

9. “you’re so special, in the best way.”

10. “your blush is the cutest thing ever.”

11. “i didn’t know you could cook!”

12. “your body is perfect just the way it is!”

13. “you better stop insulting the love of my life.”

14. “there isn’t a thing i’d ever change about you.”

15. “you’re such a good parent.”

16. “sorry i fell asleep on you, you’re just a really good pillow. did you know that?”

17. “are you okay? do you wanna cuddle?”

18. “i leave you alone for five minutes and this is what happens?”

19. “we might have been a little too loud last night, huh”

20. “wanna see what kinda trouble we can get up to?”

21. “you’ve been working so hard, let’s just spend a chill night together.”

22. “i don’t expect you to be perfect, that isn’t even possible. i love you exactly as you are; imperfections and all.”

23. “you might be an idiot but you’re my idiot.”

24. “you’re safe with me, i’m here to protect you.”

25. “we don’t have to go out; i have sheet masks and cheap wine.”

ANGST SPEECH

26. “i have to look out for myself because there isn’t a single other person who will. so i’ll look out for me and you look out for you, okay?”

27. “they’ve locked themselves in their room and refuse to come out.”

28. “please don’t cry. please.”

29. “you can yell at me, scream at me, curse me out - just say something. anything.”

30. “stop pretending you’re okay, ‘cause i can see that you’re not.”

31. “i know you couldn’t ever like me the way i am. i’ll never be enough for you.”

32. “i don’t want to hear your excuses anymore.”

33. “you don’t get to decide what’s best for me.”

34. “don’t ever do that again, you coulda really hurt yourself!”

35. “i just wanna go anywhere else right now.”

36. “i don’t wanna say goodbye.”

37. “you KNOW it’s not like that!”

38. “please, just leave.”

39. “did you ever actually love me?”

40. “you shouldn’t have come here.”

41. “this is real life, not a rom com. i would be fine without you.”

42. “you’ve never been properly loved, have you?”

43. “who told you i need fixing and what made you believe them?”

44. “you so obviously still love me.”

45. “nothing can justify this.”

46. “hate me all you want, we both know i’m right.”

47. “please don’t look at me with so much hatred.”

48. “let’s just pretend you didn’t break my heart and be civil for a few minutes.”

49. “this isn’t a quick fix!”

50. “how could you possibly think this wouldn’t hurt me?”

ONE WORD

51. hug

52. cuddle 

53. scent

54. cold

55. dance

56. stargazing 

57. picnic

58. beach

59. hurt

60. sick

61. crying 

62. laughing 

63. angry

64. playful

65. date

66. drunk

67. kisses

68. singing

69. suggestive

70. domestic

71. pets

72. cooking

73. wedding

74. joking (/crack)

75. morning

[the-gift-of-submission]

Inside a Submissives Soul

Dear Diary -

My life feels like one big struggle of a mess right now. My therapist says I'm a going through a 'burnout', not from work, from life. Something has changed in me and I can feel that I am still changing. Therapy leaves me raw, I realise that's the whole point, we are digging around at things to pick apart and as much as I've always known I've put myself second in pretty much all situations and circumstances, now its time to put myself first. Unfortunately that means I have to make people in my life aware of this and consequently it will cause them a great deal of hurt and upset. It's so damn hard, I feel selfish and guilty for the fact I am to put myself first. My therapist says the burnout could lead to a nervous breakdown if I don't take care of myself properly and give myself the time and space I need. I'm not entirely sure what time and space means.

He is aware of everything I am facing. Although things could be far worse than they are, it still heavily weighs on my shoulders and I often feel I can't cope. I'm low, anxious and numb. He offered to help with time and space, he suggested a short break away and that's what we did. He picked me up at the weekend and took me to the coast and took care of me whilst I was able to switch off. My whole life I've been taken care of but not the way he takes care of me. He gives me what I need and he also gives me what I want. I feel eternally grateful for his presence in my life. I am thankful of the very fact he chooses to be around me even with all the difficulties he is currently facing. I'd be so lost without him.

He is concerned that he may need to give me time and space for me to be able to work through things, he is concerned he is impacting on my choices, he is concerned over much of what is going on but its not him, I don't need time and space from him. If he goes away, if he leaves, I know I will just break completely. He gives me validation, acceptance, trust and honesty, he gives me what no one else does in this f***ed up world, he gives me everything I need and want. I don't need to think around him, my head stop spinning, my heart stops hurting, my soul feels at peace when I'm with him. Everything stops, everything feels good, I feel good, I feel better. I can breathe, I can rest, I can just be.

The weather was lovely whilst we were at the coast. It was peaceful, even though it was busy in the town, I was OK. We walked through the busy streets holding my hand, he treated me to a tea and cake, we walked along the pier to the very end, stopped to appreciate the view whilst chatting, the wind was strong but it was nice and walked all the way back before stopping off to grab some food shopping for our overnighter. We moved alittle further down the road, closer to a village on the edge of the town. It was quiet, it was perfect. We walked along the beach, he kept finding glass that had been tumbled over by the waves over time, I ended up doing the same with him. He said it was like a form of meditation, keeps you occupied and distracted from your own thoughts, he's not wrong. I very much enjoyed everything he had us doing. It was very much needed. Sand between my toes, him holding my hand, we talked, we laughed, even the quiet moments were a comfortable silence and they were, well, everything. We sat for a short while, again, content and peaceful in my surroundings, sometimes, life can't get much better than this. The chill picks up as the sun is on its way down to set and he prompts us to head back to the van. We had a bite to eat and talked for a while as night time kicked in before getting comfortable for bed sometime later.

Our time together wasn't about anything other than our friendship and having the time to be away from all the s**t we are battling with in our lives. I have joked previously about us being just 'friends', I think it's safe to say that is a foundation but it is not something that our relationship is limited to. There were moments of closeness, the odd kiss, lots of hugs and holding hands or my arm would link through his. I may be assuming things here but when we laid in bed, we snuggled and I'm almost convinced I can tell when he's feeling things, feeling the need to be closer in some way. His body language and breathing is a give away, the internal growl was present.

We drifted into sleep, I dosed on and off throughout the night, I was hoping I would be able to sleep fully as it's been hard to do so along with being unable to eat properly. I was comfortable nontheless. When the light from dawn came I was pretty much awake. I looked over to find him looking at me. We snuggled some more. Needing to switch sides from the 'dead arm' feeling down one side of our bodies. I moved over him and we snuggled the other way. As he spooned me I could feel his member against my butt cheeks, he was hard. I pushed back slightly to be a tease. He was just as much a tease and he knows it.

Before long he moved his free hand into my panties and started to gently rub at me. His fingers know how to hit the spot, keeping rhythm, occasionally changing things around and it felt so good, that good I immediately wanted to release. It was slow, sensual and my god it works like a charm, I can feel my insides tightening and my legs shaking. I wish I could when he tells me to, his 'cum', 'get it', his 'let go' and his count down from 5. I become so infuriated by my inability to do as he says without hesitation. I wish I knew what holds me back, it's there, it just won't release. It took me forever but he didn't quit, he kept going till I eventually came. It was a strong one, took me what felt like forever to come down, I twitch and spasm after my orgasms, my body goes through aftershocks for some time after. I rolled over to face him, he moved onto his back, he was supposed to get up but my hand had to return the favour. Gripping his member with my hand, feeling him grow between my fingers, he became rock solid rather quickly, he seemed to be enjoying it too.

'Take off your panties'. I know he means business when he says things like that. Off they came and he moved over the top of me. Reaching down between us to guide him into me, yet again, I was ready for him and yet again, I immediately wanted to climax. He has said, not in these words, that his self restraint when it comes to his release is a challenge. Apparently, I am tight. I very much take this as a compliment and I can't help but grin, it's a very smug grin knowing he has to fight to hold himself back, he is very much wanting to work on this, I think he holds out very well indeed but I have some self satisfaction there about it to say the least.

He tells me to cum, I am already there, it ripples through from where he is inside me, outwards up to my head and down to my toes. He keeps going, he never let's up and I'm never sure I can't take anymore after how intense my climax runs over me, he makes me question my ability to handle myself. Not long after he says to cum again, I respond yes, it's there, I can feel it. I am able to multiple but they often become weaker the more I do. This was just as strong as the first from when he was masturbating me and the first from him penetrating me. I fall of the edge as climaxes take over, this time it really takes over and I can't stop, as he keeps driving in and out of me, my orgasms echo through me over and over. I lost count after about 4 and I'm pretty sure it was just one continous flow and the intensity just increased and decreased as time went on. He is now ready to release and he does so, I've noticed his release set mine off too, one final big bang the intensity comes to a stop. Holding for a moment, we are covered in sweat and both wearing a satisfied smile on our faces. We have also made a mess, mainly my fault, he tells me not to worry, rolls me onto my side and he moves off to clean up. I'm quite capable of sorting it out myself but he tends to just do it and leave me to recuperate alittle, I find this incredibly sweet in how attentive he is with me at times. When he comes to clean me, the cold, whether it's expected or not catches me off guard and I always flinch, he always seems amused by this. I'll find a way to get him back one day.

After him sorting both of us out, he gets dressed and goes out for 10 minutes or so. I freshen up and get myself comfortable, I am whacked so I lay on the bed. He returns with a cup of tea and cake for breakfast, I am warmed by his gesture. Still feel quite tired, I get myself snug with his duvet, we chat for some time. Most of our meets, he knows I struggle with back pain and he often gives me a massage to relieve the ache and tension I feel pretty much all the time, I am just used to it but damn he really knows how to help it. After playing masseuse, he gives me abit of a spanking, whether he is just being generous or it is for the fact I am alittle cheeky with a foul mouth at times. If he genuinely didn't like it and told me to stop I would, so far he never has. Anyhow, my ass cheeks have a nice shade of pink I can carry around for a few hours until it settles. He doesn't like leaving marks but my skin seems to be quite sensitive.

After further attempts of trying to get me up and out of bed, I am just so content and really quite tired, I realise I need to and I will do, just not quite yet. He talks to me about experiences at the clubs he has attended over the years for a while, I love listening to him about anything he talks about. He knows I very much would like to attend a club in the future, I am just very nervous about it at present and feel I need to get myself together in a number of ways before I attend. He has said he will accompany me in whichever fashion we feel appropriate at the time so ensure my safety and aid with the guidance I will need.

I am listening to him but I can also feel something is amiss within myself. I try to contain it, I don't know what he picks up on but when he asks if I'm OK I tell him I don't know. He asks me a couple of questions about how I feel when we play, if I go fuzzy, which I do in different ways. He asks how I feel after, when he's not around, I tell him I feel abit sad but I put that down to the fact that I miss him. He suggests that I may be experiencing sub drop, I am aware of this and I try to take care of myself during these times to the best of my ability. I start to get upset, I've never allowed myself to cry infront of him before nor did I want to anytime soon, I don't want my darkness to impact his. He comes to cuddle me in bed, my tears grow, he rests his hand on my face to help me feel enclosed, a way to make me feel safe and it helps but the tears are getting worse. I feel so much upset and hurt, everything that's been going on in life rushes back into me, I have have go back to it all in a few hours, I really don't want to, I don't want my time with him to end again and I'm fighting to keep it all tucked away, I don't want him to see me at my worst. I'm unable to calm myself, he tells me to let it out but I am refusing. In the end its no use and it all floods through me, and onto him, quite literally, he needed a new tshirt. Through it all he held me close, he gave me tissues, he spoke to me. Support like this never goes amiss. This for me brings a type of strength that solidifies our relationship in whatever context it may be. I don't let anyone see my darkness like that, he's been aware of it but he's never physically seen it. He was my rock through it all. It takes a while but I calm, it eases and I begin to pick myself up enough to move forward.

It is time, yet again, to head back to reality. Takes a couple of hours and we talk through the things we are facing. He is trying to understand where I am at and remains neutral in playing 'devil's advocate', which I find ever so respectable. He has opened up to me like never before recently and I have honoured he feels he can do so, I want to support him in everyway that he does me. Eventually we arrive back to reality and after saying out thank yous and goodbye for nows with a hug and kiss, off we go to face it all again. The time away with him was beyond needed, the whole point was so I could breathe, enable myself to switch off and maybe be able to think more clearly. As much as I am dealing with what I can, much of it is about biding my time, getting on my feet to become independent and self reliant.

I hate the fact that I pine for him, it makes me feel weak and needy but at the same time that just reminds me that he means such a great deal to me. I wouldn't change what we have together for anything, I hope we grow to have something more in time but at the very least, this is and would be enough if we are to stay how we are now. I just hope I get to see him again real soon, I hate being away from him, I really do.

The weekend, even with things looming in the background, for me, it was perfect, felt special and was very much needed. I hope this is something I can do again in the near future even if it's just me jumping on a train and seeing where it takes me. Obviously the company I've had this weekend would be much nicer. To not have have think, just to be able to breathe. I am eternally grateful once again for his time and support at such a crucial time in my life. I will hold this close to me for a long time coming.

[rubykgrant]

Sorry this is vague, but I had a WEIRD afternoon... I came across a bad interaction I had with somebody from years ago while looking for a different post. They had been really rude and antagonistic, so at the time, I decided to just avoid them, never saw anything with them or thought about them again. Finding that post made me wonder what happened with them, and after a brief glance at their blog, I saw that they were not doing well, having a really hard time with personal problems.

It made me think to myself- people can be really hurtful and not care about what that does to others. They can also have a lot of their own problems, because life is complicated. I didn't want to be all "oh I forgive you" or sound like "let me tell you what to do with your life", but I figured I'd try to offer something nice or motivational, a message of "keep trying to be a better person". I've had to deal with depression and self-loathing, and I've also had to deal with other people treating me with cruelty. I still need to live with myself and try to be better, too. This person's life is none of my business, but I could spare a few kind words...

The thing is, after that I saw a little more about them, and the MASSIVE amount of that same rudeness and antagonistic attitude was so intense. So many people who didn't deserve it were mocked and insulted, it went on for years before I interacted with them, and it kept happening after. I guess I was so good at ignoring them, I literally never noticed it anywhere. I never knew how much this was going on. They invested a LOT of effort into putting other people down. The other thing was, just taking a glance through the blog, how often I saw this person get very close to recognizing how hurtful they were being; how much they hurt other people for no reason, how much they hurt their friends without realizing it until it happened, and how much that was all hurting themselves. They still didn't stop, though. They have spent so much of their life dedicated to, simply put, being mean. Over and over again, more than a decade of trying to hurt people and then laughing at them. (this also gave me look into parts of online social circles I have not had to deal with in a WHILE, the kinds of people who think racism and homophobia are OK as long as you do it in a "clever satirical" way, and and anybody who thinks differently is a "stupid SJW")

I am definitely not going to get all invested with the drama surrounding this person, it is a lot and I've been happy not being part of it. I'm also not going to dig up dirt about them, or have some weird parasocial connection, or anything like that. I'm not going to insert myself in their life, like somebody who will "show them the errors of their ways" (I don't have a savior complex), and I'm not going to go on crusade where I prove them wrong (though I have to say, just a few minutes going through their blog genuinely upsetting). I'm not going to coddle somebody unpleasant, especially if they refuse to see how hurtful they are.

If I had looked at them more, I probably wouldn't have sent a message at all, but I still keep thinking about how easy it is to hurt somebody and then not care about it. Without sounding preachy about... sometimes you have to try to care enough about yourself and other people to finally recognize when you've been doing something WRONG. It is embarrassing and frustrating to admit that, especially when you've made it your mission to fight so hard against everybody because you thought THEY were wrong.

I really wish this person had never been so rude and antagonistic to anybody, I can't even imagine how many people have been hurt by some "jokes" that get treated as "correct ideas". Like, this is some genuinely hateful stuff that spreads different forms of bigotry like it "makes sense" if you're smart enough to understand it. How many people had to hear this stuff as insults in the real world and online? How many people saw this and repeated it? You can't be responsible for how everybody feels, but you can make the choice to NOT intentionally hurt people.

I guess I'm just overwhelmed, because a random "Oh, this person was mean to me one time, I guess they're having a bad time, I'll try to say something nice as a way to move on" turned into "OH this person hurt a LOT of people, and is STILL behaving like that". I got a little emotional thinking about what it means to hurt somebody and not care, and then whiplash from seeing so much intentional, mean-spirited actions. I truly hope every person they ever insulted is living a life where they are comfortable and happy. Even though I'm so appalled by this person's behavior, I also hope they can really take the steps to being a better person... for the sake of yourself, and everybody in your life, it is worth making that kind of change.

[bitedisease]

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[ecoamerica]

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