#stupid decision ive decided to ignore it

[nomaishuttle]

umm i doubt literally anybody aside from me is at all interested in this but here is my frankensweeney playlist its got all the songs from the 5 casts that r on spotify (1979 broadway, 2006 broadway, movie, 2012 london, and 2023 broadway) organized to the best of my ability :]

[jelreth]

DOVE IS IN OUR HOUSE??????

[somber-sapphic]

AheM 🌸 Im a secret lover for hugs so I’ll gladly accept and reciprocate :) and yep sorry I just fuLLy fully read the whole post :’) that definitely goes out to them and you and whoever gets unnecessary stupid hate. Heheh well if you don’t mind I’ll ask for something under this and it’s more than okay if you took like months just take ur time🤭 naw I’m sorry you didn’t have a great day, that’s really shit, but I’m super happy you feel better and hopefully today and tomorrow is a better day! And remember I’ve got two shoulders in case and anytime🫡💪 how’d you know? I’m like always dehydrated, dehydration is scared of me ahaha. But hey most if the time it’s always the people giving advice aren’t following it… so you better be drinking plenty of water too!! And as for the request, would it be possible to ask for a WandaNat with like pregnant reader or reader already recovering from a bad injury with prompts like ‘Ill timed’ and ‘ it’s nothing’🫣 if not that’s okay but ily thank you thank you your amazing eat drink SLEEP, take care of yourself please :)) <3

Are You Staying

⧽ Notes: Hi! So, I don't write anything for pregnant anyone, but here's a sick and hurt reader for you!

⧽Summary: Reader is injured badly after a mission, leaving them with an infection.

⧽Word Count: 1665

〔 Masterlists 〕

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You were so, so tired of laying in bed, but your girlfriends wouldn’t let you get up. Apparently, when you ignore an injury for so long that the infection turns into sepsis you are no longer allowed to make decisions for yourself. Who knew? 

Well, there you were, laying in bed, struggling to focus on the book that you were holding in slightly trembling hands. The large gash along your side was beginning to throb again, indicating that you needed another dose of pain medicine, but it made you groggy and you didn't like it. 

You were already feeling sort of fuzzy, your mind blurring in and out. Your head ached and you were starting to wonder if this was more than just the damn lingering infection. Bruce had finally taken you off the IV antibiotics but you were warned that it was vital for you to take the oral ones on a strict schedule to ensure that you didn’t get worse again. 

You rubbed your throat gently and cleared it, trying to get rid of the tickle that had taken up residence there in the past hour or so. It was when the first sneeze came that you finally connected the dots. 

The pain in your sinuses, the slightly runny nose that had required you to wipe it every few minutes, the inability to get warm, the overwhelming feeling of fatigue. It wasn't the infection. You had a cold. You had a damn cold. Of all things, you had gotten yourself sick. Your girlfriends were going to kill you. 

Deciding that it was probably best to keep them out of the loop, you put the book aside and curled up under the blankets in a last-ditch effort to sleep the bug off. Maybe if you’d noticed earlier you would’ve had time to get ahead of it, but for now, you would at least sleep. Putting off rest had probably not helped the situation. Fuck. This was going to be a very long few days. 

When you woke you were incredibly disoriented. The pain in your side was so bad you felt like you wanted to throw up and for some reason, you couldn’t move. This was wrong, this was not okay. 

You managed to sit up with a lot of effort but your head was spinning, the room tilting around you in a way that made you wonder if you should call your girlfriends. They probably wouldn’t mind, they weren’t doing anything important, they just had a lot of busy work to do. You were also supposed to be doing busy work if you felt up to it, but there was absolutely no way you could read, much less hold a pen.

A harsh fit of coughing wracked your body, your lungs burning in agony as your side screamed at you that you needed to stop, that you needed to sit still and never move again, but you couldn’t stop coughing. 

You doubled over despite the protest of your body and hacked until you finally managed to cough up a glob of something green and absolutely disgusting. You leaned over the side of the bed and spit into the trashcan with an agonized groan. 

No matter how hard you tried you couldn’t get a full breath of air into your lungs. Everything hurt, everything was miserable, and the world was definitely ending. Tears rolled down your cheeks which you were sure were flushed with fever and you were regretting not taking the pain medication earlier. Now you were in too much pain to get up and find the pills. 

You managed to roll over and grabbed your phone, gasping aloud as you pleaded with the world that your stitches stayed intact. You really didn’t want to stain your bed with any unnecessary blood, the girls would probably be upset, they loved this comforter. 

With pain blurring in your vision you managed to click on the icon for Wanda’s name and hit speaker, absolutely no way that you would be able to hold the phone up to your ear. 

“Hi sweet girl, what’s up? Are you alright?” The woman’s voice lilted over the phone, immediately calming you down. She had a way about her, her mere presence, whether in person or over the phone, always served to make you feel safer. 

“I-I need…Wanda…Wanda it hurts…” You said through quiet sobs, your words punctuated by a particularly harsh sneeze that made you cry out. 

“Okay, okay love, give us five minutes. I’m going to stay on the phone with you. Are you bleeding? Can you check for me?” She asked, you could hear that she was running, another set of footsteps behind her. 

“No.” You whimpered, desperate for them to be back. You wanted them to fix it, you wanted them to make everything stop hurting, you wanted them to magically cure your sickness, which Wanda may actually be able to do. 

“Alright baby, just stay still. Wanda and I will be there soon. Keep breathing.” That was Natasha, her voice rushed as footsteps pounded in the background. You coughed and let out a sob, curling into a ball as your eyes and nose streaming. Part of you wished that the pain would just take over so that you could pass out and stop feeling it. 

You had almost slipped into that unconsciousness when the door slammed open and you felt gentle hands on your cheeks, one of the girls pleading with you to open your eyes. You obeyed, but mostly because of the harsher tone that you were sure came from Natasha. 

You stared at their blurry figures, wondering how much of this was the fever and how much was the injury. 

“Hey baby girl, there you are. Here, just want you to take this, okay? Swallow for me.” Wanda slipped a pill into your mouth and Natasha followed it with a cool bottle pressed to your lips. You took a little sip, but the cold water grated against your throat in an incredibly uncomfortable way. Every molecule in your body was ordering you to just stop. Your body was done. 

“Oh Y/n, you’re burning up. Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you say something sooner?” The witch cooed, wiping away tears as quickly as they could. 

“I-it’s nothin’, s’nothin. J’st hurts.” You breathed, already feeling the effects of the strong cocktail that was whatever Bruce had prescribed for you. 

“Do you think the infection’s back? We’ve been making sure that they take the antibiotic, should we call Banner?” Natasha asked, speaking to you as if you weren’t in the room, literally sitting right there. Of course, you were so out of it that you may as well have been in space, floating away from reality. 

“Y/n, love, Nat’s going to check your side,” Wanda said, well aware that you weren’t listening even in the slightest as the drug kicked into your system. She could feel the heat radiating off of your skin and was absolutely panicking, but doing a good job of keeping it under control. 

Natasha very carefully lifted up your shirt and peeled back the bandage to reveal a thankfully clean, not bleeding cut with all of the stitches still intact. She let out a sigh of relief and kissed your stomach right next to the injury. 

You sneezed pitifully into the pillow and whined, looking up at Wanda with big, sad eyes. She grabbed a tissue and wiped your nose tenderly, her whole body relaxing as she took in the situation. 

“You’re sick, aren’t you?” Natasha shifted and frowned at the two of you, sitting right by your head. You shifted into her lap and nodded, muffling a fit of chesty coughs into her leg. The assassin rubbed your back while the brunette by your feet hummed her disapproval. 

“Okay, Y/n/n, let’s check your temperature and we’ll get you some medicine.” The thermometer was still there since they had been monitoring your temperature for infection reasons, but now you had a fever for a whole new reason! Your body was trying to kill you for something new!

“Open.” You glanced over at Wanda and pouted slightly, nuzzling closer to your other girlfriend, the one who wasn’t going to make you do something that you didn’t want to. You didn’t hurt anymore and you weren’t about to stay awake until the pain came back. 

“Just listen to her,” Natasha ordered, poking you in the face to get you to open your mouth. Your first instinct was to bite her, but she was too quick for that. The witch placed the thermometer under your tongue and you let it stay there, not in the mood to fight either one of the women. 

The redhead you were sitting on stroked your hair as you waited for the stick to beep, unknowingly lulling you closer to sleep. 

“102.4, that’s not great. Y/n, why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Wanda murmured, scooching up on the bed so that she was laying beside you, still wearing relatively comfortable clothes. You rolled over and pressed your head into her chest, mumbling some excuse that no one could make out under your breath. 

“Okay babe, take some more Tylenol and you can sleep.” You lifted your head and opened your mouth, not caring enough to take it yourself. If they wanted you to be medicated, they would be medicating you. Natasha rolled her eyes while Wanda chuckled and she helped you swallow the pills before laying you back down. 

“You stayin’?” You slurred tiredly, cuddling up against the Sokovian. 

“Of course, we’re staying, dummy. Apparently, you can’t be trusted by yourself.” The redhead grumbled, laying down on your other side. She pulled the blankets up over the three of you and kissed your shoulder blade. Wanda kissed your forehead and you sniffled, snuggling deep into the blankets. You could deal with the cold later, for now, you just wanted to be held. 

[kitom-kortil]

im not even into the mandela catalogue, and i just read the entire callout.

You guys believe this shit? really? Oh so we just, are conveniently ignoring that every single screenshot with "damning" evidence and has others claiming to have been sent weird shit, Theyre so heavily cropped its hysterical. Like this is textbook screenshot faking. Ive had this shit done to me. Yall this is bullshit. The whole first half is just that alex and them had a shitty fuckin relationship. alex is 20 and said it theirself in one of the messages. Theyre bad at making decisions and is severely ill. This all sounds like transmisogyny and a shitty ass ex who decided to make shit up to hurt them. None of this makes any fucking sense, none of what this bitch said made sense.

Yes i read all of it. All of the messages. This is bullshit. I dont even fucking like TMC

Halfway through this mofo literally sounds like they are just straight up pulling shit out of their ass and all these screenshots are so clearly wildly out of context its insane. The sexual messages dont even have another message around em to prove they were sent to the people theyre claiming. This is fucking insane. This is animeribbon level stupid

[jamboarbs]

Big crazy day journal post time

So, woke up this morning for work.

Gotcha! That's already a lie, I woke up well before my alarm because I've been having chronic sleep issues. I have a history of sleep apnea and insomnia, but lately I've had a whole new issue. To put it simply, once I've been woken up I can't get back to sleep. Doesn't matter if it's just to go to the bathroom, or a loud sound. This has been an ongoing problem for weeks, and I knew by the time my alarm went off I would not make it through today ok. So I took DECISIVE ACTION and called out from work. If you're reading this and don't know me that well, yes that is DECISIVE for me. Immediately knew I had to arrange a doctor's appointment to get a note, but once I had set out to do it I realized this something I should have been more prescient about in the first place, with my appointment to get my HRT dosage upped this Friday especially. So I got my exhausted boans out of bed, set up with a local urgent care, and had a nice morning talk with my beautiful girlfriend ^w^

It took me a bit longer to get going than I would like to admit, but once I finally got myself going I felt determined. Like I was about to take on something big, how ironic. I get dressed, order an Uber and head on out. The ride was nothing significant. made me very glad that even though I skipped breakfast, I still took my allergy meds. My city is getting ass blasted by a dust storm atm.

Get to the clinic, immediately realize how different it is. I thought I was heading to an urgent care, I had actually went to an ER. Apparently they do operate as standalone setups outside of hospitals. This turned out to probably be for the best.

I immediately get seen by a doctor and two nurses, the place is dead empty somehow even though it's one of maybe 3 Urgent care/ER's open on Sunday here. I start to get nervous progressively as I get brought in, until finally I get the question. So I'm dreading it, but of course with my health in mind I bring up my HRT when I'm asked about my medication. This is when my anxiety kicks into gear. The doctors don't do anything that makes me feel so, it's just my default state because of the conservative state I live in.

All things considered I said it with very little hesitation and continued on the screening. The doctor seeing me joined us by this point. After going over my symptoms, the sleep loss, chronic gut pains, etc. he immediately decided to put me on a I.V.

This quite stunned me, and for all intents and purposes this is the turning point of our story.

It clicked with me in this moment, I called out of work thinking I was doing it for my health. Yet up until right then I was only there to get a note. I thought I was playing this up to make sure I had an excuse to skip. Only after listing all of my very real symptoms, and seeing the look of concern on these men's faces did it hit me.

I had been ignoring my own health to get by for weeks.

So while still processing this, they guided me to the bed, briefed me on what they were going to give me and prepped the IV. I could immediately tell this doctor was good, he tried to reassure me by saying it was mostly because I seemed dehydrated. I knew what he really meant, he saw straight through me and all the friendliness to how haggard I really was. The nurse began the IV and I warned them I was going to look away because of my past with needles. The doctor held my hands to calm me.

After setting everything up, the two men left to get me a cocktail of at least three meds. Even though it was for such a short time they were gone, it was enough. All of this hit me, I looked down at my feet in the hospital bed, inspected the new hole in my arm. I ended up here thinking I was just subduing my anxiety by getting a stupid work note. I had actually needed medical attention and was too busy surviving to stop and realize.

So whether through sheer coincidence or subconscious push I was here. All of the gravity of the sleep deprivation, stomach problems and chronic pain hit me at once. I started crying so much I hid my face in my hat. I only barely got to start by the time my nurse came back with the IV bag. Being able to tell how upset I was, and knowing I would be on the IV for a while; he very clinically, yet kindly assured me. Explained the meds, got me tissues, even a drink. As swiftly as he arrived, he left. Closing the door to the room, killed the lights and drew the curtain for me.

Knowing what this man, who seemed wholly uninterested initially interpreted, it all hit me.

I began sobbing

Tears streaming down my face

Deeply saddened by how I had let myself get like this. Maybe my level of shame here is hard to understand. I only recently feel like I have gotten true love in my life. Both platonic and romantic. I have people who care about me so deeply now. I want more than anything to see what they see in me, and at the very least take care of myself. To love them back.

Realizing I got so wrapped up in my own mental comfort blanket broke me a little. I had gone back to just surviving again.

So I spent the next hour roughly, resting, fretting over my IV, drying my tears.

I calmed down a good while before my nurse came back. He removed the IV, and the doctor came to brief me. The good news is my samples came back fine. Like the doctor easily intuited, it was all the stress. I was prescribed some anxiety meds alongside stomach meds to control the gastritis symptoms.

The doctor the whole time was unbelievably sweet, asked me for my pronouns as soon as he knew about the HRT. Kept telling me about his stepson and his experiences. I even got called young lady (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

It really helped pick me up after all the crying.

By the time I'm all put together and ready to set up my ride home the weather has worsened exponentially. It takes a while to get a ride because of the dust and wind, but I am so glad I got who I did ^w^

I ended up being picked up by a sweet guy, we went on our way to my pharmacy to get my meds and had a lovely conversation on the way. I cracked him up with some bad mu-metal jokes lol

When we get there, I tell him I'll be in and out to drop them off so we can go back to my place and finish the Uber ride. Unbeknownst to me this was not going to happen.

So in order I:

Found out my CVS no longer takes my insurance.

My HRT meds I got through them were probably also not insured and I wasn't told then

It would be a minimum of $70 I didn't have for the meds

And it would be a 45 minute wait because they didn't start prepping one

So I start to panic a little. I go back to my driver and explain the situation. I tell him I'll just have him take me home and I'll come back. Instead, he insists on waiting with me. Random guy I just met, doesn't mind an hour of his day gone. I'm floored at this point. Here begins a tedious, uninteresting back and forth. Where I run from the pharmacy counter and back to his car with updates multiple times. Eventually after they had dropped the ball so many times, and changed medicine prices on me at least twice.

This guy.

This fucking guy.

He offers to take me, off his own dollar to the pharmacy that will take my insurance. If I wasn't already this tired I would have started crying again.

So after a very awkward exchange with the CVS pharmacy rep, I cancelled my prescriptions through them and headed out

We chat the entire way to the pharmacy, It's one of the kind inside a Walmart. We hit it off just incredibly well considering I'm running off maybe 9 hours of sleep over the last 3-4 days. Enjoy our conversation the whole way. When we get out there, he even agrees to join me inside, wait for my meds with me and everything.

At this point I almost can't believe this guy is real. He straight up tells me he's writing the time spent off working as his good deed for the day. All dedicated to his grandma who raised him. Absolute fucking legend.

He makes me so comfortable I start telling him about my family. About being kicked out, and not even bothering with telling them about my transition.

He acted surprised when I told him I was trans, but he seemed to have already been cautious about gendering me, so I think he was just being nice.

We ended up spending half an hour just chatting in the kitchenware section. Talking about our lives, like we were old schoolmates or something.

Eventually I get my meds, he dotes on me the whole time. Reinforcing how obviously drained I must look. It was incredibly touching though, none of it felt forced, and made me feel seen.

We leave the store and he offers to take me to go get some food ( I had casually mentioned not eating yet today while at the pharmacy counter)

We grabbed a quick bite and headed to my apartment, still chatting the entire way. By the time we got there it felt like we were already friends. While part of it is definitely how amazingly friendly this guy is. I also feel comfortable saying it wouldn't have been anywhere near as friendly if this was the old me. Even with the shame of letting myself neglect my health still fresh, I can feel how much I've opened up. No matter how corny it sounds, people can recognize whether or not you're genuine. Be yourself.

By the time we make it back I'm starting to feel the exhaustion creep back in, but we say a very happy goodbye and exchange contact info.

So that was my day ^w^

I prolly could have shortened it down a bunch, made it more interesting to read, blablahblahblahblah...

If you made it this far and are thinking any of that, while you do have a point you are missing mine.

Today more than anything was a learning experience for me. It started with asking my girlfriend for comfort, and ended with making a new friend. Even when it seems hard. Even when you feel like a burden. Reach out. You're worth it. Whether that's directly to your loved one, or expressing your troubles openly so kind souls can lend a hand, it doesn't matter. Just learn to lean on people a little, even if you've got burned in the past like me.

Thank you if you read this far, I don't expect anybody to but my mutuals but who knows.

Special thanks and love to:

Vera, my wonderful girlfriend

Charlie, my support goblin

Cecil, because I know you'll read this

Skylar, for helping out a stranger

- Jen

[startsbeatboxing]

9 and 10 for the ask game please!

9. a missing scene that definitely happened

ive been rotating mid season one prime defenders recently so EXISTENTIAL CRISIS IN THE BLOOD RAIN!!! recently rewatched planetary problems and was like hmmmm these teenagers did not contemplate their mortality enough. anyway I think ashe had a panic attack after the battle like imagine you go out with your friends and the first two things you do are 1) go to hell and 2) stop the end of the world I think she should've contemplated her existence a little in the blood rain but also I love apocalypses causing characters to think about their death so maybe that's just me

10. I recognize canon has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it (+ what should have happened)

The disc war finale retcon is soooo dumb it's stupid. I have decided that it did not happen, cclingy won and outsmarted cdream and I will forever hold that as a triumphant moment nothing can take that away from me. also the whole let's explode the entire server welllll that did not happen either. csap shot cd with a gun and everyone lived happily ever after, if you even care

ask game

[pinkspiraling]

i need help making some decisions.

tldr: should i move back to a place that's probably toxic for me so i can be with a guy who im not sure it's going to work out with?

i started living with my grandfather recently bc i tried to kill myself a couple of months ago. im more than friends with this guy and we've been talking for six months, though ive known him longer than that. we live far apart now. my grandfather says he's toxic and i should drop him. i know this guy has his issues, but i don't think he's bad like my family says. he's the first guy who's ever been this good to me. i just don't know if im ignoring all the bad shit about us thinking that it'll just work itself out. ik guys lie obviously, but he seems really genuine about caring about me and wanting a relationship with me. i have to decide whether im staying with my grandfather or going back to live with my mom. my mom is kinda fucked up and things werent great over there, but my mom is getting cleaned up and is doing better than she ever has but i think she's still going to do the same shit. things are good with my grandfather, i have a great relationship with him.

i really don't want to lose this guy. he said he only wants a relationship with me in person. he doesn't know im considering moving back. my life has been completely uprooted the past year and the only part of it i still have is him, it feels like. idk if it'd be crazy to do all this, just for him. it sounds childish when i say this ig, especially since ik everyone sees this as a stupid teen fling, but he and i have a connection. isn't that worth it? or am i better off trying to start a new life?

he's had the same kind of life i had and we've bonded over that a lot ig. we have a good connection and we talk about everything. the thing that concerns me is that he's bipolar plus other things and won't get treated. things between us go up and down with his emotions.

im pretty sure im pregnant and idk what to do about that. i keep thinking about my own mom right now and how she messed me up. i wanted to think the rest of everything through first, honestly don't even know how to react.

there are other reasons to go back with my mom like school and work, but i could figure those things out here.

oh wow anon, there’s a lot of factors that go into a decision like this. i don’t have the right answer but i do think that you should focus on what’s best for YOU and YOUR future and well being! you can’t know for sure if it’s going to work out with him so don’t make a decision fully based around that. if he’s not getting treated and that worries you i think that is a big factor to consider. are you happy where you are rn? is living with your grandpa better for you than living with your mom? i always believe in going with your gut :) but also taking care of your current and future self. best of luck whatever u do <3

[lokiified]

rant piece

i made the wrong fucking choice i actually cant believe it, i was so focused on proving my parents wrong that i convinced myself it would never work with you and now im regretting so badly. i focused on the attention he was giving me but really he never did anything for me like you did, we went on three damn dates in a day, you flew across the country to come see me, you let me pick any book at coles as an early birthday present, you tried to give me everything but i wanted my parents to be wrong so badly that i ignored it for him and he was new and cute and he seemed to like me and you literally told me you didnt have feelings for me why did you do that i probably wouldve chosen you if i knew you felt the same way.

i found the pin i got at the museum with you. i found the pictures i took of you in the weird red room with all the lizards in it. ive been thinking about the used book store a lot lately. i was talking to a friend who i thought i had feelings for and we started talking about book stores and i was struck with an inconsolable sadness at the memories of being there with you for hours, trying to find the right books.

i found the videos and pictures from the mock prom, how well you got along with my friends and how you looked in your suit, how excited you were for that night

i remember how angry your mother was when i chose him over you and i thought she was crazy at the time but she was right, i made the stupidest decision of my life when i picked him.

you came to a baseball game with my family and you dont even like baseball for fucks sake, an hour ride 3 hour game and hour ride back who would do that if they didnt have fucking feelings for someone.

i had to spend an hour and a half sitting in a hotel hallway trying to calm down his anxiety about my relationship with you while you tried to give me everything and lied to my face that you had a girlfriend just to try and protect my feelings.

why did you have to go and say you didn't have any feelings for me when i told you that day.

and now youre in your 20s and you have a girlfriend and youre probably gonna get married and im gonna regret it for what feels like forever.

i made the wrong choice and i dont know what to do

i cant tell my parents and i cant tell you because youre probably gonna marry her and you talked to me about her like shes the best person in the whole world so yeah im definitely not, you live on the other side of the country so ill probably never see you again so yeah i blew it.

you made a playlist for me of all kinds of songs you liked and 80% of them were love songs and i thought it was nothing when EVERYTHING you were doing and saying pointed to having some kinds of feelings for me but i dumped it all for him because i was scared of my parents saying they told me so.

and i certainly cant tell him because what the hell is he gonna say, im sorry you decided to waste a year on me while your real love was off making a life for himself?

i dont even know if i love you i just know that i missed out on something good just because i was scared

i convinced myself you were too much like david, that you werent even cute, excuses upon excuses when really i was just scared and i felt like he was the safer choice because there would be so much less people disappointed if it went south

for gods sake he wouldnt even dance with me at prom and now all i can think about is dancing with you at that mock prom that i thought was so stupid, i ruined all my mom's planning and probably shattered all your hopes for the night, i wish id worn my prom dress and let it happen because obviously it was supposed to

[natsfirecat]

Cold

summary: r has always liked having pyrokinesis, but after getting into trouble, she leans onto natasha for support (i’m sorry that is an awful summary fhjkdsf)

Part Two

pairing: Natasha Romanoff x fem reader

word count: 5k

warnings: swearing, needles, kidnapping, mentions of arson, lmk if i need to add any more!

A/N: this is gonna have multiple parts btw! i’m planning on 3 parts, but it could be more than that haha. also, since i’ve written a lot of pyrokinetic reader x natasha, feel free to imagine this taking place in any of those universes. preferably not the operation fire widow/bring you back universe. nat and r have been through enough there- but i imagine it in the you saved me universe!

You huffed out a sigh as you took in your surroundings. It was completely dark except for the small, irritating light in the corner. There was a pain in your arm, you felt a poke, and assumed it was an IV. 

You tried to use your powers to get out of here, you tried to create a light, you tried to burn the ropes holding you to the chair, but nothing worked. Probably a result of the IV.

You were here because of a stupid decision you thought was right at the time. 

You were fighting in the middle of the city, HYDRA decided that they wanted to make a scene. Mid-battle, you noticed a HYDRA agent carrying a child who was screaming and thrashing. No one else seemed to notice, they were all busy fighting. 

You couldn’t ignore it, you couldn’t let them take a child. So, you made a large blast of fire, hoping that would prevent anyone else from following and attacking you as you went after the kid. 

Looking back now, you should’ve at least gone on coms and told the team what you were doing. But you weren’t thinking straight at the moment. You just kept running until you reached them.

It wasn’t like you could send fire at them like you had before; you couldn’t risk hitting the kid.

So there you stood, coming up from behind to knock him down. 

As soon as you lay a hand on him however, you let out a gasp of pain as something sharp poked your neck. 

As your vision began to fade, you looked down to see the child staring at you with a guilty expression as he held the syringe. 

You fell to your knees, hearing nothing but laughter from the man.

That was two days ago. And that was what got you into this situation. You weren’t sure if anyone even saw you go after him, so for all they knew you just disappeared out of the blue. 

Guilt began to consume you as you thought about your girlfriend, Natasha. 

She knew you were strong and could look out for yourself, but that didn’t stop her from completely freaking out every time you were injured. You could only imagine what was going through her mind now.

-

At the compound, Natasha began pacing back and forth around the living room. Everyone was seated there, wanting to talk about the mission and your disappearance.

“How could none of us have seen her?” She asked, making eye contact with each and every one of her teammates.

“Where could she have gone?”

“Who took her?”

Before she could talk any more, Clint stood up and put his arms around her to stop her from pacing.

“We’re gonna find her, Nat,”

She let out a defeated sigh, collapsing onto her friend.

“I’ve got satellites looking, FRIDAY is hacking into every street camera, we will find her,” Tony assured her, standing up. 

She managed to give him a nod before leaving and making her way back up to her bedroom she shared with you.

Once the door closed, she collapsed onto the bed, clinging onto your pillow as tight as she could.

She had spent two nights without you by your side, she had barely gotten any sleep. 

She missed the feeling of wrapping her arms around you while you clung onto her like a koala. She missed waking up next to you, placing a few kisses on your forehead. 

She just missed you.

Of course, you had spent nights away from each other on missions and stuff. But this time, she had no idea where you were and when she would be waking up with you again. That just made everything worse.

One of the perks of having a pyrokinetic girlfriend was that she was never cold anymore. Sometimes you would hold your hands over hers, using your powers to warm them up. Or sometimes she would cup your cheeks to gather up the heat you were radiating. If she was really cold, you would wrap your arms around you as she would completely bury herself in you. Even after she was warmed up, it would usually just turn into a cuddle session of holding one another close. 

She hugged the pillow even tighter, so desperately wishing it was you. She didn’t even realize she was crying until she noticed how wet the pillow was. 

Letting out a long sigh, Natasha pulled all the blankets she had gathered over her, flipping the pillow over.

No matter how many blankets she had, none of them were able to give her the warmth you had.

Without you, she was just cold.

-

Another day passed before something finally changed. The lights were turned on, and you were given more water than before, and you were actually given some food. 

You noticed the person walking in was the boy you were trying to save, but ended up stabbing you with the needle.

“Hello,” he said, placing the food tray down next to you.

“Hi,” you replied flatly.

As he headed for the door again, he made eye contact. Your heart dropped at how apologetic he looked.

“What’s your name?” You asked.

“Henry,”

“What’s a boy like you doing here, Henry?”

He shrugged before turning back and taking a few steps closer to you.

“It’s just the life of someone who’s dad is big in HYDRA and decided to get full custody after killing your mom,”

Your heart dropped, this boy couldn’t have been more than 10 and he had already lost so much. 

“I’m sorry,” you told him.

“Why? It’s not like you killed her,”

You sighed before noticing the sadness in his eyes and the tears threatening to fall. 

“Do you want to talk about her?” You offered. He thought for a moment,

“Maybe, but I can’t right now, I have to leave. But I’ll come back tomorrow,”

“Okay, bye Henry.”

“Bye!”

-

As promised, he did arrive the next day. He came in with a smile on his face before setting your food down.

“Hello!”

“Hi,”

You reached out to grab food, but winced as you moved your arm, remembering the needle in your arm. So you reached over with your other hand instead.

“Do you know what the heck they’re putting in me?”

He shakes his head no,

“It takes away your powers, but that’s all I know. I did hear someone say that they plan on changing the needle tomorrow,”

“So what other stuff do you hear?”

“It’s just bits and pieces,”

You let out a sigh as he reached up to grab some of your food. You held your good hand up to stop him.

“Kid, I’m the hostage here. I know you’re getting fed better than me. So unless you plan on giving me some of your food in exchange, hands off,”

Henry sighed, then pulled his hand back and sat down again. 

“What’s it like?” He asked after a few moments of silence.

“What’s what like?”

“Everything. Being an Avenger, having powers, fighting people,”

You laughed at his excitement,

“Being an Avenger has its perks, it’s always nice saving the world every once in a while. The powers are nice too. I remember the first time I made fire appear in thin air, it was one of the best feelings in the world. I can make myself really warm, which works out perfect for Nat-” you stopped yourself as you thought about her.

Your face fell, thinking about your girlfriend and how much you missed her. 

He turned his head to the side at your expression. 

“Why are you sad?” He asked. “Do you miss your powers?”

“Yeah,” you answered quickly. “I just miss my pyrokinesis. Whatever you’ve got in here is really effective,”

“They’re still gonna make you go to sleep tomorrow, in case your powers come back when they change the needle. Why do they change needles anyway?”

“To prevent infections,”

“Oh,”

He sat there criss-crossed, holding his hands in his lap while moving his thumbs around. You noticed that he looked slightly happier today compared to yesterday. 

“Who’s your favorite Avenger?” He asked. 

“Black Widow,”

“Why? She doesn’t have any powers! She just fights,”

“Exactly. She’s just as important to the team as the rest of us without powers, that just makes her even more impressive. She holds us together, we would be lost without her,”

He gave you a mischievous smile as he observed the way you talked about her.

“Do you have a crush on Black Widow?”

You scoffed at the young boy. There was no way in hell you would be discussing your relationship status with him.

“What about you, Kid? Who’s your favorite Avenger?”

“Spider-Man. He’s so cool how he swings across buildings! And he has super strength!”

You smiled at him. You would most definitely be telling Peter about his young fan. 

“He’s pretty cool,”

He smiled for a few moments, before turning back around and facing the door.

“I should probably go,” he said, his voice dropping. “I don’t want him to find out. I’ll come by again after they change the needle!”

“Alright,” you said. You were sad he was leaving, you had been enjoying his company, but you completely understood his worries. 

He waved goodbye, then left the room feeling better than he had when he walked in. He would be back soon to talk with his new friend.

-

“I’ve got her!” Tony said as he stood up from his desk. “I know where she is!”

“I’ll get everyone ready,” Steve replied, leaving to make the announcement.

Natasha changed into her suit faster than she ever had before. Now that they knew where you were, she wanted to get to you as fast as they possibly could.

So she was the first to meet Steve and Tony outside the Quinjet. 

Her expression was emotionless, but they both knew she had so many thoughts and feelings running through her mind right now.

Wanda was the next one out, taking her spot in between Steve and Natasha. She was almost as nervous as Natasha.

Soon enough, the rest of the Avengers all made their way down and were ready to go.

Clint had to physically restrain Natasha to stop her from pacing mid-flight. He knew she was scared, but what she was doing wasn’t helping. 

She made eye contact with Wanda, then felt a few tears threatening to form. She took a deep breath in, then restrained her tears.

She finally let out the breath as she felt her best friend hug her. 

It would be okay eventually, but for now all that mattered was getting you back. 

-

“What’s that noise?” You asked, jerking up. 

“I’m not sure,” Henry said, looking up too.

As soon as the others left your room, he ran in and stayed by your side until you woke up. He was hoping for another day of fun conversations, but he had a feeling that wouldn’t be happening now. 

“You should get out of here, don’t let them catch you like this,”

He thought for a moment, then looked back out the door. An alarm went off, and he recognized the signal it was sending.

“Your friends are here for you,”

You let out a sigh of relief. 

“Do me a favor and pull the needle out? It’ll be better to have it out sooner now that they’re here,”

He hesitantly held his hand over the needle, his breath hitched as soon as he touched your arm.

“You can do it, Henry. Just pull it out as fast as you can,”

His breaths became shaky as he grabbed the tip of the needle.

“I’ll count down for you,” you said as he nodded. “One… two… three!”

Just as he pulled it out, he let out a scream at the sound of a gunshot from right outside the room.

The door opened, and there stood Natasha.

She no longer had the glow in her eyes, or the softness on her face she normally had around you. In fact, you would be terrified of her if she wasn’t here to save you.

Your face fell as you saw she still had her gun raised.

“Don’t hurt him!” You yelled, holding your hand out protectively over him.

She said nothing, but walked over to you, wrapping her arms around you while holding you up.

She brought a hand to your cheek, stroking it gently for a moment while keeping her other arm around your back.

You leaned forward, then rested your forehead against hers as she held you.

“Uh, guys,” Henry interrupted your moment. “You should probably get out of here,”

You nodded, then looked out the door Natasha came from.

“I’ll buy you some time!” He offered.

You thought for a minute, your gaze shifting between him and Natasha.

“I’ll come back for you,” you told him. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry about me! Just go!”

You nodded, then completely leaned onto Natasha. Your arm was still sore, and your legs could barely hold you considering you had hardly moved them for a few days.

Luckily for you, your assassin girlfriend was really strong and had no problem picking you up and carrying you as you wrapped yourself around her.

She was easily able to run through the halls, holding you with one hand and holding her gun with the other. 

You buried your face in her neck, wanting to hide from everything going on around you. She heard you whimper, then tightened her grip on you. 

It felt like it had taken forever, but eventually you were outside again. You finally opened your eyes when you heard the familiar sound of the Quinjet engine. 

Natasha never left your side, keeping an arm wrapped around you as she set you down.

It had only taken a few minutes for everyone else to get back after Natasha told them she had you, taking out a few HYDRA agents along the way. 

Steve’s gaze softened when he saw the state you were in. He was about to say something before Natasha met him with a harsh glare. You needed to rest after what just happened. 

“It’s okay, baby,” she whispered to you, finally letting her softness return. “You can rest now. You’re okay.”

-

When you opened your eyes again, you were in a hospital bed back at the compound. Natasha sat in the chair next to you, one hand over yours while the other was holding her head up as she slept. 

On the other side, Bruce and Dr. Cho were talking to each other about your condition.

“Y/N,” Dr. Cho said as she met your eyes.

Her voice woke Natasha up, who immediately gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

You turned to face your girlfriend, extending both arms out to her.

“Lay with me,”

Natasha looked at the two doctors, as if asking for permission. Once they told her it was fine, she pulled the sheets down and crawled next to you. She began to completely drown their voices out as she ran her fingers up and down your arm, drawing small patterns on your shoulder. Ever so often, she would lean forward and plant a kiss on the back of your neck.

“How long was I out?” You asked.

“Almost 24 hours. The stress of the situation, plus what they were putting in you definitely called for rest.”

“So, am I gonna be okay?”

“Yes,” Bruce said. “However, we’re looking into what they were injecting you with. It definitely had to do with your powers, so it’s best if you don’t use them for a few days.”

You nodded, then turned back around to face Natasha.

“You’re cold,” she said as you wrapped your arms around her. “That’s a first,”

“Don’t worry,” Bruce assured both of you. “You’ll be warm and pyrokinetic again in no time.”

Later that evening, you were on Natasha’s lap with a blanket covering both of you. She hadn’t left your side the entire day, apart from when you needed to use the bathroom. Even then, she stood right outside the door waiting for you to come back out.

“Natty,” you said to her. She removed her lips from your neck, then planted a kiss on your cheek instead. She hummed, waiting for your response as she continued littering kisses all over your face.

“I don’t want to go back there,”

“You don’t have to. You never do,”

“Yes I do. I promised Henry I would come back for him.”

“The same boy who shoved a syringe in your neck?” She said, eyebrows raised. “Tony was able to get footage,”

You sighed as she kissed your neck once again.

“It’s a lot more complicated than that,” you began. “He told me all about how his dad is a big part of HYDRA, and he killed his mom.”

“Y/N, I love you, but you have to know that there’s a high chance he was lying about all that.”

“Then why would he tell us that he’d buy us time when he left?”

“Probably just saying whatever it took for me not to kill him. It’s awful, but he was probably recruited at such a young age so they use that to their advantage.”

“Oh come on, Natty,” you said. You turned around and straddled her waist so you could face her. “Shouldn’t you have more sympathy for him? Especially considering where you were at his age,”

She thought for a moment, then pulled the blanket up closer. 

“Maybe I’m a little biased because he’s part of the reason you were taken,”

You sighed, then leaned forward and rested your head on her chest. You’d get through to her eventually, but for now all you wanted to do was lay in her arms.

-

You huffed out a sigh as you pushed all the blankets off of you. That was something you definitely hadn’t gotten used to, and you couldn’t wait to take them all off the bed.

Natasha chuckled at your frustration, then sat up and smiled at you.

“Good morning, detka,” 

You grumbled again, but couldn’t help but smile at the way your girlfriend was looking at you. 

“It’s been three days of this shit,” you said as you sat up. “As soon as we go to Bruce today and get cleared, I will burn some of these. God, you have no idea how much I’ve missed setting things on fire,”

She laughed, then tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

“So my sweet little girlfriend just wants to go commit arson? Tell me again why you’re an Avenger?”

“You know what I meant!”

She laughed again, which prompted you to throw a pillow at her. 

“You’re gonna regret that, detka,”

“Will I?”

She stared at you for a few moments, a mischievous smile on her face as you smirked at her.

You let out a squeal as she suddenly pounced at you, knocking you back down. She placed several kisses on your face, but her hands also found their way under your shirt and onto your stomach. 

You let out another squeal as she began ticking you, moving her hands up and down as you began to let out uncontrollable laughter.

“Natty, stop!” You begged between giggles. 

She stopped for a moment, still smiling at you.

“Are you gonna throw a pillow at me again?”

You hesitated for a moment, and that was enough for her to move her hands again. 

You nearly screamed as she continued tickling you. This only made her smile more.

“How about now?” She asked. “Will you throw a pillow at me again?”

“No! I promise!”

She seemed satisfied, then removed her hands from your body as she gave your forehead a quick kiss.

“Let’s go get ready for your checkup,” she said, then smiled again. “And then my baby can get back her ability to commit arson with her mind,”

You rolled your eyes, but followed her out of bed. 

After getting changed, you held her hand as you made your way back to medical. You couldn’t help but feel nervous and anxious the entire walk there.

Bruce was waiting for you as you sat on the exam table. Natasha stayed standing, but kept her hand attached to yours.

“We’re gonna need to take a blood sample,” he told you. 

You nodded, but squeezed Natasha’s hand tighter. You had always hated needles, and your previous experience definitely didn’t help. 

As he inserted the needle in your arm, you closed your eyes and kept your tight hold on your girlfriend’s hand.

She hated seeing you like this. She hated that you even had to go through this in the first place. 

Her hand was beginning to hurt from the amount of force you were squeezing her, but she didn’t flinch at all. She just kept her eyes on you, making sure you were okay as Bruce got the blood sample he needed.

When he took the needle out and put a bandage on your arm, you finally opened your eyes again.

You didn’t even realize you had tears in your eyes until you saw how blurry your vision was. You tried to blink the tears away before anyone would notice, but you were too late. 

Natasha gave you a solemn look before bringing her other hand up to your face. She used her thumb to wipe the tears away, keeping her other hand attached to your own. 

She then sat next to you on the table, and wrapped an arm around you as you leaned into her. She reached her hand behind you, then gently stroked your hair as she held you close. 

“So will I get to use my powers again?” You asked Bruce. 

“We’ll find out in about five minutes,”

You nodded, then leaned further into your girlfriend. 

“How’s your arm feeling?” She asked as she continued stroking your hair. 

“Hurts,” you admitted with a light laugh. “Not too bad though, not as bad as the HYDRA needle. God that one burned.”

You looked up at her, then nuzzled your head in the space between her neck and shoulder.

“I can’t wait to be your personal human heater again,” you told her. 

She smiled, kissing the top of your head. 

“I’ve just been glad to have you back, detka, but I’m also looking forward to being warmed up by you,”

Bruce smiled at the two of you, but his face fell as the results appeared on the computer. 

“There’s still traces of what they put in your bloodstream,” he said. “Until it’s gone, you won’t be able to use your powers. I’m sorry, Y/N. We can check it again next week,”

Your heart dropped. You held your hands in your lap, looking down at them. You thought about all the times you made flames appear just from your palms. Now, you weren’t sure when you’d be able to do it again.

Natasha met your eyes, a neutral expression on her face. She was also sad about your powers, but she didn’t want to bring your spirits down even more. So, she interlaced her fingers with yours.

“Okay, so maybe a few more nights with blankets,” she said softly. “Then I get my favorite blanket back,”

You sighed, then stood up, keeping your fingers interlaced with hers.

You thanked Bruce, then walked out and went to the kitchen. 

One of the perks of having pyrokinesis was that it made cooking easier. Sometimes you would just heat up the food in your hand, or hold the pan until everything cooked. It took awhile to figure out how to get it right, resulting in accidentally setting the fire alarm off multiple times as you burned food to a crisp. But eventually you were able to get your powers to work as your own oven and microwave.

Now that you couldn’t do that, you chose cereal instead. As you swallowed your first bite, you shivered as the cold milk went down your throat. 

“I hate being cold,” you grumbled as you wrapped your arms around yourself. 

Natasha smiled sadly, then brought your non-dominant hand to her mouth as you kept eating. She placed lengthy, but soft kisses on the back of it.

“I can keep you warm now,”

You smiled at the gesture, then let out a small chuckle.

“Natty, I love you, but we both know you’re way too cold on your own to warm someone up,”

She rolled her eyes.

“I could totally warm you up,”

“Please, you’re literally an iceberg. Why do you think we go so well together?”

She laughed, then kissed your hand again.

“Well right now we’re both icebergs. I think we can keep each other warm if we stay close, y’know, sharing body heat,”

You sighed, then leaned forward before kissing her.

You intended for it to be a quick, short kiss. But she had other plans. 

She ran her tongue along your bottom lip, grinning as you allowed her entrance. Once you did, she grabbed your hips and pulled you onto her lap. 

“See?” She said with a grin. “You’re warmer already,”

“You’re right,” you said, cupping her cheeks. “We should keep each other warm more often,”

She smiled, then kissed you again. You deepened the kiss this time, keeping one hand on her cheek and wrapped the other around her neck. 

“That cereal is pretty good,” she said between kisses.

You laughed, then reconnected your lips. You stayed in her embrace, kissing her, for what was far too short in your opinion. You only stopped when you heard someone clear their throat from behind you.

You turned around to see Clint getting his own food.

“So what’s the news on your powers?” He asked. “Do we need to have fire extinguishers at the ready?”

Natasha glared at her friend, tightening her grip on you. He got his answer as soon as he saw her glare and noticed the way your face dropped. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. He was going to say something else, but decided not to as Natasha kept her glare. So he waved a short goodbye, then left.

“Can we just go back to our room?” You asked.

“Of course,”

After putting your bowl away, you followed your girlfriend back upstairs, fully intending on staying in bed all day.

You glared at the blankets, but reluctantly pulled them over you. 

You felt a little better once Natasha pulled you into her arms once again. You leaned back into her, holding onto her hands that lay around you.

“I love you,”

“I love you too,”

“I’m going to get my powers back,”

“Just focus on resting up for now, okay, detka?”

“Okay.”

-

A week later, you woke up ready to see Bruce again. You had been counting down the days, desperate to get your powers back.

Natasha gave a hesitant smile as you greeted her with a good morning kiss. She wanted you to get your powers back too, but she didn’t want you to be let down after your hopes had been so high. 

Of course, she did miss using you as a personal heater. But even more than that, she missed seeing the smile on your face as you would control the flames emitting from you. She missed the satisfied smirk you would give whenever you knocked down someone you were fighting with fire. She missed how you would squeal excitedly after your powers helped you successfully cook something.

You were practically bouncing in your steps as you walked down to Bruce. While you dreaded the needle from the blood sample, you tried not to focus on that. Instead, you focused on how amazing it would feel to make fire again.

You still held on tight to your girlfriend’s hand as the needle pricked your skin. She ran her thumb over the back of your hand as you let out a small whimper. 

Everyone in the room seemed to be holding their breath as the computer analyzed your blood. 

Natasha was almost as nervous as you. Her breath hitched when Bruce said the results were coming in. 

His eyes lit up as he read them.

“Your bloodstream is clean, Y/N,”

You smiled, then hugged Natasha out of happiness. 

He smiled at you, then you thanked him, still bouncing in your step.

“Alright, let’s go outside. I want this flame to be good,”

Natasha nodded, keeping her hand connected to yours as you led her out. Bruce decided to follow, just in case there was something he missed. 

Your smile grew even wider as you stood in front of the compound. 

Taking a deep breath, you gave both yourself and your girlfriend a reassuring nod.

You took a step away, then flicked your wrist. 

Nothing.

“What the fuck?”

You flicked it again. Still nothing.

Again. Nothing.

You flicked your other wrist, desperate to see the smoke rising from your palm. Once again, nothing.

“No,” you said, dropping to your knees. “Why don’t I have my powers?”

Natasha was by your side in a split second, putting an arm on your shoulder.

“I thought you said my bloodstream was clean!” You said to Bruce, feeling tears swell in your eyes. 

“It is,” he said softly. “I’m so sorry, Y/N, but if you still don’t have your powers even after it’s out of your system, then that means whatever they did to you took your powers. Unless there’s an antidote, they’re not coming back,”

You let out a sob, completely wrapping yourself around Natasha. Bruce took that as his cue to leave, walking back inside as you continued crying in your girlfriend’s arms.

“What do I do, Natty?” You said, your voice breaking. 

Her heart broke for you. She said nothing, but kept her hold.

“These powers, these abilities, controlling fire has been a part of me for such a long time,” you said as a few more tears fell. “And now… I’m just cold.”

[falcqns]

Hi i have a request like a Chris Evans x reader and like the reader clean they’re house and chris have this book that he put like important stuff and the reader put that book on their coffee table and proceed to clean and when chris got home chris took a shower and find his book and he ask the reader and the reader said it was in the coffee table but when chris check it wasn’t there and chris got all mad bc it’s important and the reader said she will buy him a new one but chris said i will never be the same or something like that and chris stormed off and a few mins the reader saw the book but dodger have it he was ripping all the pages and stuff and the reader and dodge go to the shops and buy a new book for chris and when they got home chris was already there still mad and the reader gave the book to chris and the reader say something like “I know you said its not gonna be the same but I bought you a new one bc dodge kinda uh play with it” something like that and the reader apologized you can do whatever you want there, pls end it with a happy ending thankyou!

better than the original

pairing: Chris Evans x sensitive!Reader

warnings: angst, mentions of a DDLG relationship and little space, but no actual DDLG in this one, fluff, super sensitive reader (aka me, I cry over everything)

a/n: kind of a part two to "wrong person"?? readers not little in this, but its in the same universe!

you thought he would have been appreciative of you cleaning the house while he was on set, but to your surprise, he got mad.

"where's my book?" he asked, looking around the living room, disregarding all the work you'd done.

"I'm sure it's around here somewhere." you said, helping him look for his favourite book and trying to ignore the upset feeling in your stomach at the way he ignored the clean house.

he rounded the couch, and you heard him exclaim. "oh for fucks sake." he said, before storming off towards the bedroom. you furrowed your brow and walked around the couch. you sighed when you saw Dodger chewing on it, and ripping out the pages.

"Dodger! No!" you said. you took it away from him and placed it on the counter before going after Chris.

"we can always get a new one," you offered, but you knew that was the wrong decision when Chris turned around.

"that's not the fucking point, y/n! that was my favourite book, and even if we replace it it won't be the same!" he said, and he slammed the bedroom door shut behind him.

you felt tears coming to your eyes. you were insanely sensitive, and Chris knew that. he knew better than to yell at you, because you would start crying and wouldn't stop until you he assured you over and over that you weren't in trouble, and he wasn't mad or disappointed. you understood that he was upset, but it still hurt that he got mad and yelled at you, when you clearly didn't mean it.

you walked away and back to the living room and sat back down on the couch, where you remained for the rest of the night, your tears never ceasing. you were just trying to help, and show him you could be a good girlfriend and eventually wife, but instead you made him mad, and angry at you.

you spent a cold and lonely night on the couch, shivering from the cold that the knitted blanket couldn't block out, not wanting to anger Chris any further by joining him in the nice warm bed upstairs. just the thought of the bed made you eyes well up again, wanting nothing more than to cuddle up to him.

eventually, you woke from a restless slumber, and your tears retuned when you remembered that Chris was still mad at you. you glanced over to the book that still laid chewed up on the counter, and decided to go and try to find him a new one.

you stood up and grabbed your wallet and car keys, before leaving the house with Dodger on a leash.

you drove into town and found the first bookstore you could find. you walked in, and your eyes lit up when you saw they had just gotten a new shipment of them. for $15 you could get the regular book, or for $25 you could get a signed copy with a bookmark. you thought about it for a moment, but decided to get the signed copy, even though it cost more.

you paid for the book, and made the quick drive home, hoping that the book would put Chris in a better mood, if his sleep hadn't.

but, when you walked in the door, you knew that wasn't the case. the door shut behind you, and Chris came barrelling into the room.

"where the fuck were you?" he demanded, and your eyes widened. "ive been calling your phone, only to find out that you left it here, while you left, with my dog, might I add, to god knows where! why the fuck wouldn't you tell me where you're going? do know how stupid and immature that is?" he yelled at you. you tried to will yourself not to cry, but it was useless. he stood in front of you, eyes dark and face red. to you, he looked terrifying, and you wanted nothing more for him to go back to the nice Chris you thought he was.

tears slipped down your cheeks as you handed him the bag and Dodgers leash.

"I-i'm sorry. I k-know how much that b-book meant to you, a-and I just wanted to r-replace it so y-you won't be angry w-w-ith me anymore. I-I got the s-signed one to-o. it comes w-with a book mark. here-s your d-dog." you said before running off trying not to cry even more.

you ran into the bathroom, and to the linen closet where you had your little hideout. you climbed in and shut the curtain behind you, and let the tears come. you could feel your headspace approaching but you pushed it away.

you'd upset Chris, and he probably hated you for what you did. you knew that the book you bought could never replace the original, but you thought he would have liked it. you took Dodger with you because he needed some fresh air, and he loved going into stores with you.

you just wanted to prove you could be a big girl! that's all! he was really mad at you last night, so you knew even if you were little, you wouldn't get the care that you needed, so you pushed through and remained big for him, but even that wasn't good enough.

you don't know how long you sat there and cried your little heart out, but soon you heard Chris entering the bathroom. he took a seat somewhere and started to speak to you.

"y/n, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you like I did. you didn't deserve that. you worked so hard on cleaning the house and I didn't even acknowledge it because I was focused on a book. I should've let it go when it happened because its a book. I was wrong. it can be replaced. the one you got me is so much better than the other one, and I love that you got it for me. I shouldn't have yelled at you. you're insanely sensitive, and you were probably already on the verge of tears when you came in the house, and me yelling at you was not the right thing to do. I could have asked you calmly where you were going, instead of getting angry." he explained. he waited to see if you would say anything, and when you didn't, he continued speaking.

"and I'm sorry for saying that Dodger was my dog. he's not. he's ours. you take such good care of him, and I know you were only entertaining him because I was still asleep, because your such a sweet girl. I'm so sorry baby." he said. you sniffled, and slowly crawled out.

you walked over to him, tears still pouring down your face, and leaned against him. he immediately embraced you, and rubbed your back as you cried.

"I didn't mean to make you mad!" you sobbed, and Chris shook his head.

"no baby. you didn't. I could never be mad at you for something like that. you're okay. i'm not mad, i'm not disappointed. you're not a crybaby, its okay to cry." he recited like he always did, squashing all your fears before they could even enter your head. he lifted your head to look in your red and swollen eyes.

"have you stopped crying since last night?" he asked, and you shrugged your shoulders.

"n-not really." you said, and Chris sighed sadly.

"c'mon. let's go back to bed for a little, it's still early." he said, and you followed him into the bedroom.

you drifted off less than a second after your head hit the pillow, and had a peaceful sleep knowing that Chris wasn't mad at you.

[sadclearance]

right hand

pairing: katsuki bakugo x male!reader

summary: 5 things bakugo uses his right hand for + 1 thing bakugo uses his left hand for *wrote with “left hand” being in mind as a prequel, but can also be read as a standalone 

category: fluff

warning(s): none

word count: 1500

key:

s/t - skin tone

i.

when they were in high school, midoriya izuku noticed that bakugo katsuki--his childhood friend and bully--always started fights with a right hook.

which was incredibly powerful, albeit predictable.

midoriya still remembers a specific sunny morning in their third year when this expected yet efficient move was used for something that wasn't exactly a fight. a second year had made the unbelievably stupid mistake of--

"watch it, dumbass!"

and immediately after bakugo caught y/n before he could fall on his ass, bakugo's right fist met with the second year's nose, successfully breaking it and scorching off the hairs of the kid's eyebrows.

at the time, nobody really thought anything of it. bakugo was protective of the few people that he considered--but would never outright admit--to be his friends, and y/n was one of them.

ii.

but it was at the christmas social event that was held for the third years to get a chance to make connections as well as have fun before the end of their student years that it became clear that it was much much more than just friends looking out for each other.

"what're you doing all alone?" kaminari asked as he leaned against the wall next to y/n.

"everyone's either flirting with pro heroes or kissing their asses, and i'm not really in the mood to do either."

"yeah, i can see that," kaminari snickered as mineta got slapped in the face by mount lady after both a series of terrible flirting and a horrendous attempt to literally kiss her ass.

"surprised you're not doing the same."

"well..." kaminari said as he pointed up. he was wearing a hat with a hanging mistletoe.

"how not unexpected," y/n laughed.

"you know the tradition," kaminari winked pointing at his lips.

"okay, okay. for the holiday spirit--"

and as y/n leaned in to give kaminari a peck, a strong right hand grabbed his chin, and his lips met with a pair that belonged to someone else.

kaminari was too shocked to be disappointed after being pushed away by none other than bakugo.

"fuck off, dunce face," bakugo said before crashing his lips against y/n's.

that was one hell of a way to find out that two of his best friends were dating.

iii.

bakugo's jealousy only got worse after graduation.

but to be fair, that was his own fault.

he may have chilled out since their time together as first years, but he was still a headstrong ambitious hero.

they didn't go public with their relationship because bakugo figured it would be distracting to his goal.

which was a decision that he immediately regretted when he remembered just how attractive y/n was--something that other people clearly appreciated as well.

y/n got gifts, compliments, and very suggestive comments wherever he went, which did nothing but fuel bakugo's anger and displeasure.

there was a solution to this problem, and it was to let it be known to the world that y/n was his and his only.

instead of doing what normal couples do and going to an interviewer or announcing their relationship on his social media accounts, bakugo decided to--

"so... y/n," the barista looked at the name she just wrote on the cup and then back to y/n. "are you seeing anybody?"

"what's taking so fucking long?" bakugo asked as he came up behind y/n, right hand harshly meeting y/n's left ass cheek.

"ow! what the hell? there's paparazzi right outside of the window," y/n scolded, gesturing toward the crowd of people with cameras on the other side of the glass wall.

bakugo's only response was to press a kiss against y/n's lips, smirking into it as he saw a flash of light in the corner of his eye, fully aware of the fact that his hand was still on y/n's ass.

iv.

when he saw a building crumbling on top of y/n, he knew what he had to do.

he had faced a similar obstacle to this in his first year of high school, when he was up against round face--ochako. she had collected rubble that he had unknowingly provided and gathered it all up to the sky, later using it as a weapon by making it rain down on bakugo.

a building, however, had much more stone than a collection of collateral concrete that an individual collected over only a few minutes.

"y/n!" he shouted.

recreating the move from his first year, he raised his right hand and released a massive explosion--one much larger than the original maneuver.

he had succeeded for the most part. small bits of rubble rained down on them, but it was more like getting hit by hail than being buried by a boulder.

"bakugo!"

the mentioned man gritted his teeth and pressed the rough fingers of his left hand into his terribly cramped and pained right hand.

"you overdid it, you idiot!"

y/n rushed to get medical attention, and bakugo reluctantly let himself be pulled around.

he would've crudely yelled back that he didn't need help, but the worried look on y/n's face stopped him.

"i'm not gonna die, dumbass," bakugo rolled his eyes. the words were intended to come off harsher, and more like bakugo insulting a subordinate for not being able to see the obvious, but they came out closer to a soft reassurance instead.

"do that again, and i'll kill you myself," y/n glared. he looked more like an angry puppy.

"as if you could even land a hit on m--"

y/n's lips shut him up.

"even though that was the stupidest thing i've ever seen, thank you for saving me," y/n smiled, rubbing soft circles into bakugo's right hand.

"'stupidest thing you've ever seen'..." bakugo grumbled.

v.

"what the fuck are you doing?"

it's been a habit to hold hands while doing almost anything since their time together at u.a.

hell, they used to hold hands throughout basically all of high school except during hero training.

subjects like math, language, history--they didn't require both hands. they only needed to write on a piece of paper, and they only needed their dominant hands for that.

so it comes as no surprise that that habit followed them to their pro hero years, pale left hand entwined with s/t right hand as they finish their paperwork.

bakugo's confusion was prompted by y/n's sudden fascination with his right hand.

"i rarely ever give this one attention," y/n shrugged.

"it's not its own being. like a pet or a person."

the look bakugo gave y/n told him that he was the biggest dumbass in history, but y/n ignored it in favor of responding, "still a part of you i rarely get a piece of."

"i hate the way you worded that, creep..."

"you're still blushing."

"in your fucking dreams!"

+i.

going to a nice place was somewhat out of the ordinary for the two of them.

bakugo was focused on being the top hero, and being the top hero meant sacrificing a lot of time.

y/n doesn't know what changed bakugo's mind so suddenly, but he wasn't about to reject a once in a lifetime opportunity.

"the breeze is so nice," y/n breathed in the fresh air of the beach.

he had ran up to the gorgeous ocean, cold water hitting his bare legs while he tried to convince bakugo to join him.

"not up to the challenge? that's rare," y/n teased, turning his back to him and going deeper into the sea.

"oh, shut your trap! i have a damn good reason."

"yeah, i'm sure you do. you sure you aren't just cold?"

"i said shut the fuck up!"

"okay, okay," y/n complied and entertained himself with the vibrant blue waves.

"i love you," came bakugo's voice abruptly.

"that's weird, you never say it first, especially not without any form or profan--" y/n turned around to give bakugo a ridiculous look, laughing as he did, only to stop almost immediately.

"fuck y--" bakugo had to stop his habitual reflex. "marry me... dumbass?"

bakugo with a nervous tone, one knee in the sand, struggling to not get up because of the annoying shifting and imbalance, and a ring in his hands was a priceless sight to see.

"yes! yes! yes!" y/n ran back to the dry sand.

bakugo grinned and accepted the kiss but broke it off sooner than he would've liked for the fear of dropping the ring and losing it to the waves.

he slid the ring on y/n's hand with a proud smile before y/n demanded to have the other ring.

"shit, calm down," bakugo laughed, but he couldn't help but feel happy that y/n was just as ecstatic.

although he was the one to say that, bakugo's left hand struggled to stay still as y/n put the ring on bakugo's ring finger.

"i love you," y/n pressed his lips against the trembling left hand once he was done.

with the rings safely on their hands, bakugo could freely go back to enjoying the treasure that was y/n's lips.

❥๑━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━๑❥

a/n;

a sequel exactly a month after

i like this format because i'm shit at transitions

i mean just look at the shift from iii to iv...

i had an idea for the right hand theme for a while now since the battle trials when izuku mentioned the right hook thing but i was like woah i could do it with this while writing left hand

[namjoon-koya]

Can I please have Mirio, Shinsou, Kirishima, and Bakugo reacting to their crush working at a maid cafe? She would be surprised to see them but she genuinely enjoys her job and serves them, minus the gropers and cat callers but if they touch or harass a maid, they get tossed out immediately (This is a “look but don’t touch” establishment). She just never felt the need to bring it up but she enjoys the cute uniform, taking selfies with customers who ask/pay, and is very sweet to both staff and customers so she’s popular.

(A/N: SKSK I’m glad I got this request in)

Trigger warning: reader getting catcalled + harassed. Cuss words? Please don’t read if you’re sensitive to those things.

It was a cute cat cafe (this boi loves cats alright😤) so he just went inside to check it out.

What he didn’t expect was to see you.. in a maid outfit (yes now his heart was beating quick) he expected you to run off when you saw him, but you smiled at him.

“Shinsou! What are you doing here?” You asked him.

oH gOd he couldn’t tell you because of the cats! It’s his secret..

“J-just wanted to check this place out..” he mumbled.

“Oh! Well I’ll take you to your table.” You said as you lead him to a table that was empty.

You gave him a menu before leaving to serve another customer.

He tried focusing on the menu, but he couldn’t help but just stare at you. Usually people dreaded having jobs yet.. you seemed to enjoy it even when costumers asked to take pictures with you, you’d smile and say sure.

When you were done you were going to go back to Shinsou until you heard someone whistle at you.

Your jaw clenched together this was the only thing you hated about this job people harassing you and whistling at you like some kind of dog! There were times you wanted to yell at them, but you bit back your tongue and proceeded to move on.

Until.. the person decided to get up and grab your arm and yank you back towards them.

“Hey I called you don’t fucking walk away from me.”

Once Shinsou saw what happened he quickly rose to his feet ready to save you, but your manager quickly came out “hey asshole! This is a look but don’t touch establishment! Don’t put your filthy hands on them.” Your manger uses their quirk to make the person let go of you.

Once your freed from the person’s grasp Shinsou quickly pulls you over to him shielding you.

Your manager kicks the person out and you sigh in relief “sorry you had to see that shinsou..” you apologize. “Don’t apologize that asshole shouldnt do stuff like that especially to you Y/N.” You blushed.

“T-thank you..” you were going to say more until your friend told you that a customer was requesting you “I-ill be right back!”

You didn’t even have time to return to Shinsou as some costumers kept requesting you asking you if you were fine and even offered to buy you something, but you kept denying their requests.

Once you finally made it back to Shinsou he chuckled “Y/N you’re very popular you know.. I’m not suprised considering how sweet you are.”

Stupid Kirishima he was the one that was dragging Bakugou to a dumb cafe he didn’t even want to go! He wanted to stay in his room or at least go work out not go to some cafe.

Entering the cafe Bakugou’s mood didn’t change until Kirishima whispered to him “Dude! Look it’s Y/N!” Now THAT caught Bakugou’s attention.

He quickly snapped his attention to where you were and oH my gOd did his face become red from blushing.

You were wearing.. a MAID OUTFIT?! Why?!

You heard a commotion from the entrance and when you looked over you saw Bakugou and Kirishima you smiled walking over to them “I never expected you guys to come here! Especially you Bakugou!” You teased.

“S-shut up.. Kirishima made me come..”

“Hm.. well follow me I’ll take you to your table.” You said grabbing two menus and lead them to an empty table you gave them the menus before leaving as your manager had told you a costumer was requesting you.

Bakugou continued to watch you as you went table to table often talking to some costumes to even taking selfies with them.

“Aw are you making sure no one messes with them Bakugou?” Kirishima teased “shut up! I’m just.. wondering why they’re so popular! That’s all!” Kirishima laughed “you aren’t jealous right?” “M-me?!” Before Bakugou could make a comeback at Kirishima he saw you talking to a man.. he oddly looked suspicious.

Even Kirishima became quiet and continued to watch with concern he could tell you were become uncomfortable as your body was tensing up what the hell is he saying to you? Bakugou wondered.

That’s when it happened the man had groped you, you slapped his hand away and quickly stumbled back.

Bakugou was enraged and so was Kirishima (your his friend he doesn’t want anyone to do that type of stuff to you especially without your permission)

“What’s wrong didn’t you like-“ he couldn’t finish his sentence as Bakugou had rushed over and grabbed the man by the collar of his shirt.

“What the fuck are you doing! Fucking pervert don’t ever lay your hands on them again!” Bakugo shouts your manager had quickly rushed over to the commotion “this is a look but don’t touch establishment and I will not take you harassing my employees!” Thankfully your manager called the cops after the whole incident.

Bakugou was still upset at the whole incident he can’t believe that some people are like that! “Bakugou are you okay?” You asked.

He sighed “shouldn’t I be asking you that? The fucking pervert did that to you!” He shouts angrily.

“I know.. but thank you for helping me back there if you weren’t there to grab him quickly he might’ve just ran off.” Bakugou blushed.

“I-if it makes you feel better dumbass I’ll always visit you when you have work so you don’t have to worry about things like that..”

He’s going to drag Kaminari to go with him LMAO (doubt he would complain though)

Kaminari is the first person to see you and he’s like “look Kirishima it’s Y/N!!” Once Kirishima turns his attention to you he BLUSHES that it almost matches his hair color.

You’re in a maid outfit and he’s freaking out in the inside.

You’re beautiful just absolutely stunning well you’re always stunning.. KiRi being a soft boi.

You greet them happily “you work here Y/N?” Kaminari asked “yup! It’s a really cool job y’know! Here I’ll take you guys to a table.” You said as you started walking they followed right behind you.

Kaminari was mostly doing all the talking while Kirishima was more quiet he was never a really shy person yet he was acting shy right now which irritated him a bit.

Once they got seated you gave them a menu “I’ll give you guys a few minutes to look over things.” You said leaving.

Kirishima kept his gaze down at his menu as he read the list of foods and drinks that you guys had, but then he heard Kaminari laugh “what’s funny?” Kirishima asked.

“Y/N is really popular ive already seen her take 4 selfies with different people.”

Well.. Kirishima wouldn’t be suprised you’re extremely loving and sweet..

Once you were done you were going to go back to Kirishima and Kaminari until you heard someone catcall you.

It made your stomach turn, but you decided to ignore him that’s what you usually did and sometimes they’d understand or mutter something offense under their breath.

This guest wasn’t though they quickly shot up from their seat and grabbed you arm “what the fuck I give you a compliment and you decide to ignore it? Spoiled b-“

You saw Kaminari come from the side and pry the person’s hand off your arm then you felt someone pull you back you looked up and saw Kirishima glaring at them you’ve never seen him.. so protective of you.

“Listen dude I’ve never been to a maid cafe before, but I do know that it’s a look but don’t touch establishment.” Kaminari said angrily.

One of your co-workers told the manager what happened and kicked the guest out and told them “never come back again asshole!”

Kirishima still had his arms wrapped around you protectively “uhm.. kiri.. it’s okay now.” You said trying to soothe him.

“I-I know.. I just can’t believe someone would do that to you Y/N. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you fast enough.”

“You’re here though.. so I’m happy for that kiri.”

Oh boy he takes Tamaki and Nejire with him because the big 3 always gotta hang out with each other 😤

Once they’re inside Mirio is busy talking with Tamaki that he doesn’t even notice that you were there until Nejire was look “Mirio look it’s Y/N! Doesn’t she look beautiful?” He looks over and sees you.

I feel like he wouldn’t be blushing at all and he’s going to be bold about it and be like “heck yeah look at you sunshine!” (You’re going to be the one blushing)

You take them to a table and talk for them a bit before handing them some menus and leaving.

Nejire and Tamaki were the only ones looking down at the menu while Mirio kept looking at you, he noticed how a lot of people seemed so comfortable talk with you and at least 7 people took pictures with you!

“Y/N is really popular isn’t she Mirio?” Nejire said.

“Y-yes she is..”

“Mirio! Did I just hear you stutter? That’s new! Mirio you should ask Y/N out after this y’know a little birdie told me she isn’t dating anyone.”

Yeah Nejire is definitely is trying to set you two up she did the exact same thing with you when you kept staring at Mirio.

While you were taking someone else’s order you could tell their eyes kept lingering you and it was started to become uncomfortable.. usually guests would look down at their menu or even just take one glance at you before looking down again.

Once you were done you were about to leave until they grabbed your arm you kept yanking your arm back, but their grasp were too strong you were about to yell for your manager until you saw someone grab the person’s hand and yanked it away making the person let go of yours.

You looked up and saw Mirio.. he was always known to not be angry and make calm decisions, but you could tell how angry he was in his eyes.

Nejire came beside you checking your arm “Are you alright Y/N?” “Y-yeah I should go get my manager.” You said leaving.

Even Tamaki looked scary he was always shy and nervous yet even he was glaring at the man.

Once you told your manager they were pissed they stomped over to the man “Listen here! This is a only look but don’t touch establishment! You harassed my employee and now you’re banned from coming here again.” Once they had kicked the person out of the cafe you let out a relief sigh.

“Are you alright sunshine?” Mirio asked.

“Y-yeah.. that was just so sudden I didn’t even see that coming.. thank you for saving me back there.”

Mirio nods “I wouldn’t let someone hurt you like that sunshine especially when I’m around.”

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twelve

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: this took so long bc ive been reading chain of iron and in general agonizing over things i cant control instead of being productive 🥴 that being said, absolutely none of the events in this chapter were planned in my outline, but here we are with something new!

***

December brings more snow and bone chilling weather, to the point where Cassian has to drag Nesta out of bed, either physically or by phone call, to get her to therapy appointments on time. 

She’s in the waiting room one freezing morning when, in her utter boredom, she musters up the nerve to turn to the girl sitting next to her. “What are you in here for?”

The girl blinks her large blue eyes, taking notice of Nesta for the first time. Nesta uses the opportunity to take in her freckle-painted face, a little wan but beautiful. Reddish brown hair hangs around her face and shoulders, creating a thick curtain from the rest of the world, and Nesta’s curiosity piques like she’s just found a shiny new toy.

It probably isn’t right to compare people to toys, but then the girl says, “This isn’t prison, you know.” Her voice is deep, almost sultry— completely at odds from her huddled-in posture and sickened expression. “I didn’t commit a crime to have to be here.”

Is she insulted by Nesta’s question, or is she poking a joke? Nesta decides to play it safe by murmuring, “Sorry, never mind.”

She starts to turn away when the girl says, “We’re trying a new type of trauma therapy today. I had to get here half an hour early because I couldn’t swallow my nerves.”

Nesta might lack many social skills, but she isn’t stupid enough to ask what kind of trauma the girl is being treated for. Instead, she nods casually as if she understands the struggle. “I’ve been coming here for weeks now and I’ve barely discussed shit. That’s mostly on me, but you know…” She actually doesn’t know where she’s going with her train of thought. “It sounds brave to do whatever you're doing,” she states finally. “I don’t think I’ll be able to open up that much about myself, ever.” 

The girl gives Nesta a weird look that she immediately recognizes. Nesta uses it every time she doesn’t know how to respond to someone who takes her by surprise.

The door to Lana’s office clicks open, and the woman herself pokes her head out with a plain smile. “Ready, Nesta?”

Nesta bites down on her frown. She has a feeling today won’t be as easy as her past sessions.

She’s about to leave without another glance at the girl beside her when that low voice speaks up. “I’m Gwyn.”

Nesta looks back at her as she gets up from her chair, and says the first reply that comes to mind: “Good to know.”

***

Nesta is contemplative hours after she gets back from her therapy session, bundled up in her bed with a coloring book. The repetitive motion of filling in the mandala drawing lets her mind wander, picking up and dropping different thoughts like she’s inspecting stones. 

She keeps her wrist light as she colors in with red. She finally said Tomas’s name in therapy today, though the action left a slimy feeling in Nesta’s stomach that lingers even now. She also spoke about her sisters, which somehow ended up leading to a discussion of her uterus. 

“How have you been dealing with the endometriosis news?”

Nesta shrugged. “I’m getting treated, and my last period was more bearable than usual—”

“I mean mentally, how are you doing? With how your condition could affect your future?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes. “Affect me how?”

“Have you never considered the impact it could have on your ability to bear children?”

“Not everything in life is about bearing children, you know.”

“We’re humans. It’s definitely something to consider.”

“Not for me. I’ve never wanted kids.” A mistruth at best. “I don’t care what endo does or doesn’t do to me on those grounds.”

In a way, Nesta told herself, the health risks were actually for the best. If she ever did, by some stupid loss of sanity, try to have children, then her body would act as a safety net from her decisions.

Lana only said, “You’ll never know how much you care or don’t care until you talk out your feelings.”

“Then I guess we’ll never know.”

Nesta lets the memory of that conversation drop like a stone on a shore. That’s not something she has to face for a good long while. No, right now she has to face her past. 

Her sisters, and her ex, and even her father— 

I wonder if I came off too strong with Gwyn today. 

Her hand stops drawing, and she switches out her red marker for an orange one. This thought she doesn’t mind inspecting for a little longer: she and Gwyn ended up leaving their sessions at the same time, which meant they were forced into stilted conversation on the way down to the parking lot. 

Not forced, Nesta self-corrects. She willingly initiated a conversation, and it didn’t go terribly. She wonders if making friends in therapy waiting rooms is a real thing.

Her phone vibrates beside her, breaking her hours-long mental bubble. Blinking dazedly, she answers the phone call.

“How are you?” is the first thing Cassian says to her. He makes sure to ask her that at least twice a day, like a gauging of her temperature. It makes Nesta wonder what she’s ever done in her life to call for such… attention to her well-being. 

“I’m good,” she answers honestly. “My head’s a little loud right now, but I don’t mind it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather hear you talk.” She slumps back against her pillows, coloring book forgotten. “What’s up?”

“Ah...” Cassian sounds hesitant for the first time since their relationship started. “It’s just that I haven’t gotten my Christmas decorations up yet, and I was going to ask if you wanted to help.”

Nesta takes a moment to absorb his words. “It’s December fifth,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“You just seem like somebody who does their decorations the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Well, this year is a little different, with you moving out and being busy with school…” He pauses. “I was waiting to do it with you.”

When she doesn’t reply, Cassian adds, “I don’t even know if you care about Christmas. I know you and your family sort of ignored holidays. It’s fine if you don’t want to—”

“I’ll be over right now,” Nesta blurts. 

Half an hour later, Cassian swings open his door with a smug grin on his face; a vast difference from the stammering hesitance he displayed over the phone earlier. Nesta’s own lips want to pull up into a smile just at the sight of him, but she holds back and narrows her eyes instead. “What’s got you so worked up?” she questions as she steps into the warmth of the cabin and out of the freezing cold.

“The way you ran over here as soon as I asked.” He looks her up and down, still amused. “You didn’t even bother to change, did you?”

It’s true: she’s in the same sweatpants and long sleeved tee she wore around home, and her socked feet are shoved into slippers. 

“Get that smirk off your face.” Nesta flicks his nose before tossing her coat off. “If this is a competition about who’s got a bigger puppy-crush for whom, you already won when you delayed putting up your Christmas decorations for me.”

“Fair enough,” he grins. The words send an unexpected pang through Nesta, because it’s partly true, isn’t it? He cares more openly for her than she does for him. 

She looks away in guilt, not knowing how to fix the imbalance. Her eyes land on the living room coffee table, where their half-finished jigsaw puzzle sits. It’s been stored under the couch for the past few weeks, forgotten by Nesta and Cassian alike as they moved on with their lives, but now it’s sitting out again.

“Have you been working on the puzzle without me?” She raises an inquisitive brow, about to feel— hurt.

“Never,” Cassian promises, saving her from that irrational hurt. “I just brought it out because I figured we should get to finishing it one day.”

She pads over to the table, picking up a puzzle piece and turning it over in her hand. “I don’t know if you remember, but we had a terrible time working on this,” she scoffs lightly.

“Oh, I remember,” he says, coming up behind her and stealing the piece from her grasp. “I think it’s safe to say those evenings were the worst fights we’ll ever have together.”

Nesta leans back against Cassian’s chest and hums. “It made us a stronger couple, don’t you think?” She turns her head up and back to meet Cassian’s eyes, finding that he’s already looking down at her.

Hypnotized, she leans into his warmth. She only manages to land the smallest kiss against his lips when his hand squeezes her ass cheek. “You’re here for a job, remember?” He taps her butt before pulling away, gesturing to the Christmas tree in the corner of the living area with his chin. It stands bare. “You do tinsel, I’ll do lights.”

Tinsel is harder to work with than Nesta remembers. She only manages to get half the tree done before plopping onto the Persian rug, exhausted and covered in silvery material. She doesn’t mind laying there while Cassian continues working; it’s her revenge for when he napped on her bed while she moved in.

“You know the stair railings still need to be wreathed, Archeron.”

Nesta declines to respond, tilting her head on the carpet for a better view of her boyfriend’s ass instead. “All this decorating,” she starts. “Is it just for you?”

Cassian turns to her, surprised. “Well…”

She pushes up onto her elbows, catching her mistake. “Are we doing Christmas together? Or are your friends coming over?” She hasn’t bothered to celebrate Christmas in years now, and she doesn’t care much what Cassian’s plans are either way.

“I was hoping for both?” He sounds hesitant. “Christmas Eve is all the way over in Velaris, but I was thinking we could go together, open some presents, and come back and spend Christmas here.”

Nesta purses her lips. She doesn’t actually hate that plan. Both Feyre and Elain have been pestering her with the annual texts asking her to visit for Christmas, and for once, she feels like responding to them. The invitation is more of a formality than an actual request at this point; she doubts her sisters want her there after years of rejections, but… what’s the harm?

“Is that a yes?” Cassian asks at her unreadable face.

“Yes,” she states unflinchingly. She refuses to overthink the possible consequences of this choice and chooses to focus on the broad grin overtaking Cassian’s face. “Really?” he says.

“But there has to be rules.” Nesta sits up fully now. “No one can know we’re together, no matter how much you trust or love them.”

“We already agreed to that, baby.”

Yes, but Nesta knows the secret weighs on him heavier than he shows— even if he agrees with her that it's for the best. “It’ll be different when we’re together in the same room as everyone else,” she says. Cassian wears his beating heart on his sleeve, and she doesn’t think he’s ever had to hide it before.

“You’ll also be different,” she adds. “It’s a huge change of pace.”

Cassian drops the remaining strand of lights and smiles confusedly down at her. “What do you mean, I’ll be different?” He sits across from her, before the blazing fire. 

“You know how you get around your friends.” Nesta shrugs without a thought. “Like your personality readjusts to mirror the people around you. I used to find it a mix of sad and adorable, like a neglected puppy desperate for love, but now I— okay, I still feel the same way.” She waves a hand in a dismissive gesture.

By the look on Cassian’s face, he does not find her words so easily dismissed. 

Coldness curdles in the pit of Nesta’s stomach, the realization that she’s said something wrong. She can’t fix it until she knows where she fucked up, though.

“Is that what you think of me?” Cassian finally says lowly. His usually expressive mouth is drawn tight and narrow. 

“Um… What would you rather I think of you?”

His eyes widen in disbelief. “Seriously, Nesta?”

Nesta’s back stiffens, refusing to cower. “I only described what I’ve observed in the past.”

“And what you observed was a desperate puppy?” His voice is cold in a way she’s never heard before.

Okay, she’s starting to see how that might be offensive. She forges onward, “Tell me what you think about yourself in the presence of your family, then.” It’s a private victory that she says family instead of clown circus. But she’s not trying to turn this into a fight.

Cassian is silent, but his stare continues to rage at her.

“Tell me,” Nesta repeats.

His hands curl into fists on the rug. “I think I’m empathetic, easy to talk to, and easier to be around. Is it a problem if I’m likable?” Unlike you are the unsaid words.

Nesta inspects the space between them like it’s a chessboard. “And what part of yourself are you giving up to be so likable, Cassian?” she says quietly.

“Nothing.”

Nesta disagrees, if only because she’s been watching him out of the corner of her eye for years. “I think you base your personality off of those you love, and you lose a little bit of your true self every time you put others’ needs before your own.” 

She shuts her mouth, not having expected such honesty to come out of it. Cassian is taken aback, too, she can tell.

“And I guess it’s natural that you’d see all of that as a bad thing, considering your history of being closed off and self-serving to a fault,” he fires back with the flatness Nesta utilizes so often.

One for one. Fair enough. “We’re both right then,” Nesta says. “You work for your best friend because you have no ambition beyond serving your family, and I have no such family because I can’t bring myself to care about those things. Are we even now?”

Cassian furrows his brows, those defensive walls melting away as he realizes she’s completely serious. “What? No, Nes—” He shakes his head. “Okay, so maybe you’re right about me. Maybe I agree with you a little bit, but… If we see flaws in each other, then we should be working to overcome them instead of weaponizing them.”

Now Nesta’s the one shaking her head, quickly lifting a hand to stop him. “Relax there, sweetheart. I have no expectations from you or myself to go on some self-improvement journey now that we’re together. Talking about my feelings with a professional every week is hard enough.” Yes, agreeing to go to Feyre’s Christmas party is improvement. Slow, barely there improvement, but enough to wear her out for the rest of the month. For Nesta to fully let people into her life, to treat them as lovingly as she treats Cassian— that’s a long way away. She can’t envision it, doesn’t even know if she wants it.

Cassian must understand some of what she’s thinking, because he nods and backs off. He gets back up and returns to stringing lights, tossing a handful of tinsel at Nesta as if to say Get back to work. 

She stands and obeys, thinking their not-argument is officially over when Cassian says, “You’re wrong about one thing.”

She looks up from where she threads tinsel through fir leaves. He doesn’t take his eyes off his work as he says, “You do have a family. And deep, deep down, you care about them as much as I care about mine.”

***

Nesta catches Emerie’s eye as the dark-haired beauty walks into the pub. Raising a hand and waving, she gestures Emerie over to the booth she’s sitting in. 

“Look what I found,” Nesta says with a hint of pride, pointing to the redhead sitting beside her. “A third girl for girl’s night!”

“I was kidnapped,” Gwyn speaks up. “Jumped on the way to my car.” She’s out of her usual hoodie and in a tight-fitting blouse, looking stunning even while seeming out of place in the dim bar.

“She came here consensually,” Nesta retorts. “Emerie, this is Gwyn. We met at therapy.”

Gwyn offers Emerie an awkward smile.

Emerie slides into the booth across from them with raised brows. She looks between Nesta and the new girl and back again. “You invited her here? All by yourself?” she asks.

Nesta nods firmly.

Emerie breaks into a wide grin and reaches over the table to grab Nesta’s hand. “I’m so proud of you!” If Emerie were anyone else, she’d be squealing in excitement, but Emerie does not squeal.

Nesta waves off her friend’s praise, though a part of her wants to beam at it, too.

Gwyn glances between the two of them with slight amusement. “I mean, it’s not that impressive,” she says. “She came on a bit too strong, probably a five out of ten on the asking-someone-out scale.”

“‘A bit too strong’ is all you’re gonna get with Nesta,” Emerie says, lifting her hand to order drinks. “She’s all-or-nothing, and most people would pray she doesn’t give them her nothing.”

Nesta doesn’t know if that’s a compliment, but she supposes there are worse things that could be said about her.

“So, Gwyn, what do you do?” Emerie leans forward. “All our friends are law students and it’s starting to get boring.”

Gwyn goes off about her librarian job as Nesta orders their drinks, and Emerie rests her chin in her hand and listens eagerly. Christmas music plays softly in the background and snow flurries gently outside. Nesta thinks she can’t be doing that bad in life, if she’s managed to carve out this little slice of happiness for herself.

***

a/n: i promise shit actually happens next chapter! we're getting christmas with nessian and the ic in the same room for the first time

taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson

[goldencorecrunches]

Hello ur wangningxian fic had me fucking SCREAMING hello hello I was trying to practice driving but I was too busy YELLING anyways amazing job I'm so fucking hyped for pt 5!!!!

YOU’RE SO NICE HELP I KEEP STARING AT THIS MESSAGE ME HEART MELTIN HERE YOU GO HON -- (Part I) (Part II) (Part III) (Part IV)

--

They don't return to the table. It had been a stupid idea anyway, Wen Ning thinks; too serious, too tribunal. Wei Ying doesn't like to talk about it, like he doesn't like to talk about anything that's really fucked him up, but he knows family dinners for him growing up weren't the most comfortable affairs. Instead he and Lan Zhan budge over on the couch, though there's already enough room (there's always enough room, if it's for Wei Ying), and Wei Ying, tripping on his tiptoes the way he does when he's nervous, perches on the L-shaped edge of the cushion. The reflective vest Lan Zhan has bullied him into wearing whenever he goes out night-running dangles off one shoulder, coquetry in neon orange. 

He is too far away. 

Wen Ning extends a leg and prods at Wei Ying with his toes, making Wei Ying yelp, ticklish, and for a moment nearly smile, until Wei Ying gives in to what he clearly wants and scoots up against Wen Ning's side, the third overlapping piece in their tableau. A very wiggly tableau it will be, indeed, now that Wei Ying has joined it. They would not have it any other way. "So you guys kiss now," Wei Ying says, into the hole in the leggings over Wen Ning's thigh. Wen Ning keeps thinking he should fix that, and then forgetting. "How long has that been going on?"

"Just tonight," Wen Ning says, making his tongue go slowly. Behind him Lan Zhan makes a small noise, negative; one of his hands withdraws from Wen Ning's waist and reaches for his phone. They wait while he types, Wen Ning looking at the contrast between Wei Ying's cheek and his own black spandex, Wei Ying staring into the crack where the cushions meet the back of the couch. He seems like he's worn himself out; he curls around Wen Ning's leg like it's a stuffed toy.

It is times like this that Wen Ning is reminded of how much slighter Wei Ying is, than either himself or Lan Zhan. He imagines lifting his leg and carrying Wei Ying up atop it, like a fragile sparrow, hollow-boned, fluffed up against the cold. "Almost nine days," the lady in Lan Zhan's phone says. "When Wen Ning brought you back from the library. Kissed him then. Did not plan it. But." His fingers have stilled; Lan Zhan types with one whole hand, cradling the phone in his other, instead of with his two thumbs like everyone else. It's hopelessly endearing: our little old-fashioned man, Wei Ying calls him, and then tugs at his hair or tweaks his ear. "But you liked it? Mm. Can't blame you for that." Wen Ning can feel the flex of Wei Ying's jaw as he mumbles. A small hum like the vibration of a string starts at the top of Wen Ning's scalp and travels down through his body. The nausea has not left him, or the guilt, but Wen Ning plunges his hands into that hum and lets it fill all his corners. Now that they are speaking, it is better; though they've barely begun. The waiting was the hardest part. It's never as bad as you think it will be, he tells himself. He bites his tongue to get moisture back into his mouth. "We did- we did-, we haven't done anything between then," he says. Lan Zhan's arms tighten around him. Wen Ning leans back against him gratefully. "Um. When we went to that weird cafe with Lan Zhan's brother? That was what we were talking about." Behind him he feels Lan Zhan nod. "I wondered," Wei Ying says. He curls tighter, the movement like a brace before a leap. "Were you going to tell me?" Oh: Wen Ning's lungs have been stolen away. One of Lan Zhan's hands leaves him again, this time to reach out and press down on the top of Wei Ying's head. It's a bad angle; he has to strain, and even so he mostly gets the end of his ponytail. Wei Ying hides his face in the crook of Wen Ning's knee. Wen Ning has to blink rapidly and swallow, twice when the first time isn't enough. He's not sure what he means to say; what comes out is clumsier and more honest than he wants. "I didn't want you to feel left out. I'm sorry." Against his neck, Lan Zhan grunts agreement. He's petting the rough-chopped ends of Wei Ying's hair, the ends sticking up between his knuckles and then smoothing flat again. "Just," Wei Ying says. It's difficult to hear him, pressed as far as he is into Wen Ning's leg, but Wen Ning doesn't imagine he or Lan Zhan are right now giving him anything but their complete intent focus. "You have to tell me if you don't want me around any more, okay? That's rule, ah, rule eighty-nine of being my friend." He laughs, his shoulders twitching. Wen Ning needs to hug him so badly it's rooted his ass to the tasteful cream-colored microfiber. "Okay," he says, chokes on it. "Yeah. D-deal. Definitely want you here though. Right Lan Zhan?" "Mn," Lan Zhan rumbles emphatically. Wei Ying droops. He goes from light upon Wen Ning's knee to hundredweight, sinking like a stone in water. Somehow, Wen Ning manages to curl his leg and reach his arms and get Wei Ying bundled up against them both, his hair splaying out over Wen Ning's throat and his sharp wrists tucked up against Lan Zhan's sternum. He's still laughing, a little, and Wen Ning listens carefully in case the tears he can hear behind them start to spill over. "'S funny," he's saying. Wen Ning slings an arm over his him and wraps even closer. "I thought, hah, I thought out of all of us it would be me who would fuck up and accidentally kiss someone, but wow, Lan Zhan! Who knew you had it in you!" His body can't seem to decide whether it wants to tremble or to sag. It tries to do both, with different parts. Wen Ning looks up from under his eyelashes to see how Lan Zhan reacts to Wei Ying's implication that he'd kiss him, and sees Lan Zhan staring solemnly back at him, the same emotion reflected. He frowns and reaches to set Lan Zhan's hand on Wei Ying's hip where his has been. Lan Zhan resists him. "Like, you guys are my best friends, you know? My best friends, and I've told you this but I mean it, and if you two want to go off and kiss I'm really really happy to let you do that I don't want to get in the way and make you not want to be around me any more because I'm--" Lan Zhan is trying to communicate something to Wen Ning with a frustrated glare and the minute tilt of his chin. Wen Ning has an inkling what it is, and staunchly ignores him, because despite the warm-butter feeling spreading over him Lan Zhan is wrong. "--and I was like, to myself, what if it doesn't break everything? But obviously that's absurd, I always break everything, and--" "Wei Ying," Wen Ning says, in desperation, as Lan Zhan gives up all pretence of fighting fair and begins attempting to shove Wei Ying completely into Wen Ning's lap. He knows Wen Ning won't try to pull away when Wei Ying needs to be held, the bastard. "If you, when you, you, you, you-- kiss Lan Zhan! Please! He wants you to!" It is an uncomfortable position to be frozen in, for the beats that follow. Wei Ying's elbow is digging into the soft part under Wen Ning's ribs, and Lan Zhan's ankle is somehow twisted underneath them all. There's a heavy thud from the apartment above; as the three of them clutch at each other and stare, barely breathing, they hear harried footsteps and the muffled tones of a child being scolded. "Ooh, someone's in trouble," Wei Ying says. And then: "Wait, no. I meant. What?" Lan Zhan is glowering in abject betrayal at the wall over Wen Ning's right shoulder. His ears are slowly turning pink. "Hhhn," Wei Ying says, like a untied rubber balloon, and then-- frantically, scrambling over their tangled legs-- It is not that Wen Ning isn't jealous of what they have, Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. It is rather, to be witness to so wonderful a thing feels like a privilege. When Lan Zhan's hands come up to frame Wei Ying's face, when Wei Ying's lips part, it is more than beautiful; it is necessary. Wen Ning can feel himself grinning, wide and goofy, even as he loses feeling in his calves. It's just-- it's been such a long time, and he's-- he's happy for them. He's so happy. He's...crying? "Oh," Wei Ying says, "Oh, oh, oh," and twists in a violent motion, and Wen Ning is, for the third time in his most immediate history, completely blindsided by the knowledge of a mouth over his own. I haven't brushed my teeth, he thinks, which is a nonsense thing to think, because he did brush his teeth this morning, of course, and he hasn't even started getting ready for bed yet, and also, he had Lan Zhan's tongue in his mouth not even an hour ago, and he had Lan Zhan's tongue in his mouth and now he has Wei Ying's-- He becomes dimly aware that Lan Zhan is stroking his arm, where it's curved to trap Wei Ying flush against his chest. Wen Ning makes the executive decision to panic about this later. There are too many things happening right now to keep track of freaking out. For example: the discovery that brushing the tips of his fingers over the soft skin behind Wei Ying's ear makes him gasp and shudder all over. "Lan Zhan," Wen Ning says, amazed. It's too momentous a thing to keep to himself. "Look." He does it again, and they both watch Wei Ying's eyelids flutter. It feels like there's a volcano under his skin. "M-maybe we should stop and talk ab, about this like adults," he says. It comes out breathless. He does not want to stop and talk about this like adults. "Nonononononono," Wei Ying says, hands shooting out to fasten on their shoulders. "We did talking, now is kissing, can we do more of the kissing? I like kissing. I like kissing you. Both. Both of you." His face screws up. "You might have a point. I think I might pass out? But in a good way?" Lan Zhan looks deeply alarmed. He and Wen Ning maneuver Wei Ying so he has his head between his knees, their hands meeting over the bony seam of his spine. Lan Zhan squeezes Wen Ning's fingers. The volcano turns into a horde of extremely peppy wind-up toys. Or maybe this is what butterflies feel like? "Running," Lan Zhan says, gathering the strands of Wei Ying's hair back from his face. It takes Wen Ning a moment to understand; in his defense, he's fairly certain his brain has been forcibly disconnected. "Right, um, electrolytes. And sugar." He peels himself away (Wei Ying makes a pathetic noise, which twinges at Wen Ning's heart, but he's in good hands) and nearly faceplants on the edge of the rug as pins and needles shoot up his legs. Because Lan Zhan is a good and righteous man, he has the kind of orange juice that's full-sugar, and without bits. Wen Ning pours them all glasses just to be on the safe side, and also takes the opportunity to stick his head in the freezer and think thoughts that are not about confirming his love for his two closest friends via double fellatio. When he returns Wei Ying is sitting upright, Lan Zhan's arm around him. He refuses to drink until Wen Ning is cuddled up with them. See, Wen Ning's therapist says, as he tucks himself against the long line of Lan Zhan's body, Lan Zhan's eyebrows knitted as he rewinds the movie back to the beginning of the scene the left off on. Wei Ying slaps indiscriminately across the limbs within reach when Lan Zhan reaches the right spot; he makes the whole couch rock, and Wen Ning thinks he might burst, from loving them. Not as bad as you thought, at all. So much better.

[shingia]

Hello!!! I love ur fics sm 😭💖 This is weirdly specific and been plaguing my mind for days,,, Can I req an angsty fic where Atsumu broke up with the reader because he wants to chase his dreams and ultimately leaves but with the reader saying "I'll wait" . A few months later he seeks for the reader again and finds out the reader has terminal illness and is dying. You can decide if there's major character death or a miracle,,,, please and thank u so much!!

𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐨𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐨 - 𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐮 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

aw thank youuuu <33 and also WOW this request is in-tense, i modified the ‘terminal illness’ part a little bit for plot convenience, but i rly hope you’re gonna like it ! i am : stressed. also, i’m a sucker for happy endings (just ignore my last bokuto fic) so i couldn’t go full angst on that one 😅

quick storytime : my great grandpa died from heartbreak and i always thought it was a beautiful (yet very sad) way to die, so i guess that’s where i got my inspiration from <3

⤷  atsumu x gn!reader | angst | word count : 1.7K

warnings : hospital environment, heart condition, mild description of ‘illness’ and mentions of death (a little)

your first kiss with miya atsumu had been sloppy, dizzy, with a strong scent of rum and smudged lip balm all over your lips. but there was no doubt that it had been the best kiss of your entire lives…

…just like your last had been the worst. 

two months later, atsumu still couldn’t forget the salty taste of your lips that begged him not to leave. if he focused hard enough, he could even remember the feeling of your hands desperately clinging to his jacket in a last attempt at making him stay by your side.

but he didn’t, and as much as he hated himself for putting an end - even temporary - to what had been the most beautiful chapter of his life, he had never regretted his decision ; and he knew exactly why. you had promised to wait for him, and in pure egoism, he knew and hoped that you would. because no matter the distance, he was still madly in love with you.

which is why he did not understand why osamu was so outraged when he told him that he was finally ready to come back to you. but the younger twin knew things that his brother didn’t - he had seen you let yourself waste away, like nothing else mattered without the one you loved.

but more than that, atsumu did not know about the secret his brother promised to keep. he did not know that, two weeks ago, osamu had found you unconscious in your living room with an alarmingly slow heartbeat. the poor boy had not understood everything the doctors had told him - but whatever a cardiogenic shock was, he knew that it would have carried you off if without his intervention.

however, you had been categorical : atsumu shouldn’t not know about this, under any pretext. you refused to be a burden to the pursuit of his dreams for which he had already sacrificed so much for. but now that atsumu was back, something about this promise didn’t sit right with his brother. and so he decided to tell him everything.

« …most doctors thought about a standard heart attack » he told him after explaining the situation, on the lookout for any impulsive reaction from his brother. « … but one of them talked about something else. you might want to sit down ».

but atsumu couldn’t care less about his brother’s advice. actually, he didn’t care about anything else than you right now. it was already taking a lot of effort for him to stand there listening to samu instead of being on his way to the hospital - but he stayed. for an obscure reason that he didn’t really understand, he stayed.

« did you know that people can die of heartbreak ? » osamu asked, more serious than he had ever been in his whole life. 

the blonde twin felt like the ground had suddenly swallowed him whole - although his brother was trying his best not to sound too accusating, it was more than obvious that whatever situation you were in was because of him. and only him.

« no they can’t » he tried to protest, not even believing in his own words. panic was beginning to win him over - and in a matter of seconds, he lost all his composure « WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT MOVING ? LET’S GO ! » he shouted, already opening the front door. at that moment, one question burned his lips, but he knew he would never have the guts to ask it out loud. 

‘did i kill them ?’

——

the steady beeps of all the machines around you were the only thing disrupting the deafening silence of your hospital room. you were sick of spending your days alone. but you had no right to complain, osamu had offered to come and see you after work every day, but you had politely refused. well, politely was a big word… your body was so exhausted that you had trouble articulating simple phrases, and therefore exclusively communicated through nods or hand gestures.

your phone had been confiscated and the doctors kept you away from the news - or at least from the negative news, because they knew that your heart might give out at the tiniest emotional distress.

which is why you were so surprised to hear a knock on your door at about 3pm, outside of the nurses’ shift hours. knowing that you were too weak to talk, osamu let himself in, slowly closing the door behind him before coming closer to your bed.

« how are you doing ? » he asked, resting his hands on the other end of the bed. you shrugged, pointing at the IV and all the monitoring surrounding you. as long as these machines were there, it was hard to feel better than just ok. « listen, um… someone is here for you. the doctors said i could bring him in, but i wanted your authorization first… » he started before clearing his throat. « atsumu is back. do you- are you ready to see him ? ».

ready was probably not an appropriated word. but after two months spent pretending that he was still laying next to you in bed every night, still texting you good morning every day, still sending you the dumbest memes at the most random times, it would have been a huge mistake to refuse osamu’s proposition.

and so he let him in. obviously, atsumu had orders from the doctors and his brother : don’t run, don’t move too fast, don’t speak too soon, don’t touch them without warning. but nobody had asked him not to cry. and how could his eyes stay dry when you looked so fragile and so vulnerable ?

osamu quietly left the room, leaving the two of you together not without apprehension. but if there was one thing he could trust his brother on, it was taking care of you. two months could not have gotten the better of four years of relationship.

but as much as he cared about you, atsumu had always been - and still was - pretty bad with words. and the first ones that left his mouth were a great example. « are you going to die ? » he asked in a shaky voice, brows knitted.

you would have given him an answer if you had one, but you didn’t. the doctors said that you had gone through the most painful part, but the risks of aggravations were still too important to let you go home. you were not 100% safe yet.

« i told you i’d wait » you spoke in a hoarse voice, the beep of your heart monitor getting a little bit faster.

the steps atsumu took towards you were slow, like he had been told, but just one glance at his eyes was enough to know that deep down, he was dying to feel your skin against his.

« i know you probably hate me right now. and for good reasons » he started as he sat on the chair next to your bed, still painfully avoiding any contact. « but there’s something i need to tell you, in case… in case… well, if something were to happen ».

his eyes lingered on your fingertips, blue and cold, and his whole body tensed at once. the thought that everything you were going through had been caused by his own selfishness was driving him crazy. but he had one last thing to keep himself grounded, and that thing was exactly what he was about to tell you.

« i love you. but i caused you so much trouble that i think there’s only one way to prove it… » he said, taking a deep breath before finally resting a timid hand on your arm. « i want to marry you. right now. i don’t fucking care if it’s not considered official, i just want you to know that leaving you was probably the biggest mistake i ever did. and that i’m not leaving ever again. so fuck it, let’s get married ! you almost died, life’s too short to plan a stupid ceremony ».

he stopped for a few seconds, panting from his teary monologue and paying attention to any beep or other sound that might indicate that he had made things worse for you. but it seemed like you were doing ok. how could you not be ? the love of your life had just proposed to you - sure, it wasn’t how you had imagined it, but wasn’t it even more beautiful like that ?

the tears that started rolling down your cheeks were undoubtedly tears of happiness and relief to know that, finally, your life was back to normal. atsumu was your normality, and for the first time in two months, you finally felt like you had a purpose. you had no idea if soulmates existed, but what you had with atsumu seemed more than close enough.

if someone had entered the room at that moment, it’d probably have taken them several minutes to understand what was going on. two young adults, crying yet smiling, one of them laying on a hospital bed looking like they had been through hell and back, and the other tearing off two pieces of his t-shirt and looking genuinely proud of himself -  nothing about this made sense.

« my apologies, it was the easiest way to make us rings » atsumu chuckled, eyes still blurry as grabbed your hand in his with infinite tenderness. slowly, he tied the piece of cloth around your ring finger, loosely enough so that the doctors would not consider it dangerous for your blood circulation.

« i’m keeping that until you’re getting out of here. by my side. » he affirmed, pointing at his own makeshift ring before looking right into your eyes, as serious as ever. « and i’m also keeping you. forever. consider this my wedding vows »

as much as he hated to phrase it like that, you could both die in peace now.

i spent so much time on medical sites to be as accurate as i could, i felt like meredith mf grey for a few hours

@toworuu @catwithangerissues

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 22 - Not Strong Enough

Masterlist; Chapter 21

Summary: You reunite with Neil aboard the icebreaker. With the tension amping up and the mission nearing it’s finale, you have a difficult time making sense of everything. 

Warnings: angst (yep, loads of it), swearing.

Author’s Notes: Here it is, finally! Know it took me ages, and I’m so sorry for that. Hopefully from now on it won’t be as bad... This one was fun to write since there’s a lot of emotions to go through :)) Hope you’ll enjoy! Let me know what you think!

PS. Now that we’re onto the icebreaker chapters let me just say that I’ve got a lot planned ;) and I’m excited to share it so thank you all who have sticked around <3 

The moment you stepped out of the inversion chambers and into the normal world (well, normal but looking fucked up to you and eight days previously), Ives received the promised further instructions. Get to Trondheim with the local squad, regroup with the reinforcements there, get on board the icebreaker equipped with the inversion technology. At least that was the information you got. Easy. Well, almost, but thankfully nothing seemed to depend on you. Yet. So, you followed the rest of the squad onto the chinook, ignoring the phone that never rang anymore. That was okay. You would not even know what to tell Neil if he called. In less than two hours, you were on military transport to Norway. Again.

In the tense silence of those hours of flight, it was easy to rest. At least you have changed the setting and could focus on stressing about all that was to come instead of the personal matters. Yes, you would have to face Neil and probably work with him as though nothing happened. But the more pressing matter was the potential world ending. For that, you could endure the pain. Focusing on avoiding hyperventilation through the mask, you fell asleep, giving in to the tiredness. When Wheeler shook you awake hours later, you have landed at the base in Trondheim. The icebreaker was supposed to cross by the shore on the next day, leaving the night to be camped out in the military containers on the periphery of the base.

You were lucky to land a spot in the container shared with Wheeler, as she was second in command, and you were still considered ‘precious cargo’. Precious to whom you had no idea. But that did not matter. After a quick meal made up of tin food and weak tea from the thermos, your roommate left for an inspection of the troops and a confab with Ives. You had peace. Taking off the unnecessary layers of clothing, you intended to use the time to curl up under the covers and mope. But it was not meant to be. Suddenly the silence of the air-locked container got pierced by your phone ringing. What the hell… Glancing at the display, your heart stopped for a split second. For a moment, you wanted to ignore it. To pretend you are not available. But your heart knew better, unable to give up the possibility of hearing his voice after all this time. Sitting up on the cot, you picked up the phone. A long exhale on the other side followed by…

“Hey”

As simple as that. Fuck. Neil’s voice was enough to trigger the feelings. The husky tone, the tiredness you sensed through that one word alone. The advantage of the phone call was that he could not hide too much. Not from you.

“Hi… um, why…” you trailed off, annoyed at how something so simple could disrupt the fragile peace.

But judging by the long pause, it was not just you for whom the conversation was a struggle. Brilliant.

“TP told me to call you” right, “Give you a run-down of the state of affairs, so tomorrow is easier for us all,” he added, using that professional tone you came to detest.

Call you? The voice of reason tried to break through the amalgamation of thoughts and feelings. It did not make much sense, seeing as TP did not even trust you after the latest revelations.

“Me?” you blurted out.

Anyone else would have been a more obvious choice. But Neil called you. Why? You wanted to add that question to the mix, but before you could do so, he came up with an answer.

“Not exactly, but I’ve decided that you can pass it on to Ives and so on” the uncertainty in his voice ignited the spark.

“I see” that was the only comment you could muster.

But he understood. He cleared his throat before resuming the conversation. An image flashed before your eyes: tired Neil, with ruffled hair, curled up in the armchair in Oslo, glancing at you from the pages of the book you just borrowed him. That stupid soft smile gracing his exquisite features. Eyes sparkling with satisfaction and affection. Enough.

“We’ve managed to save Kat with that stunt in Oslo…” his voice brought you back to the present moment.

That was something. Despite not having even talked to Kat, you felt sympathy towards her.

“I’m glad. Is she alright?” you occupied the shaking hands with picking up pieces of lint off the blanket.

It did not help your racing pulse. Or the increasing ache in your chest.

“Yeah, she’s recovering. There’s a scar, but that’s nothing compared to what could’ve happened”

God knows what made you say the first thing on your mind then:

“We’ve all been scarred… one way or another” as soon as the words left your mouth, you knew that it was too much.

Fucked up again. It was difficult to remember that you were not supposed to share your thoughts with him anymore. That this was not allowed. Once again, so much had to be left unspoken just for the sake of your sanity.

“I know that better than anyone” his response and the sombre tone made you swallow hard.

Of course. You had no doubts he was regretting the decision to take that bullet for you in New York. After all, the scar was there to haunt him for eternity, reminding him of the time and effort wasted on you.

“TP met with Priya in Oslo…” the change of topic was vital, “She told him about the algorithm and got us the icebreaker” Neil explained.

Back to business. Thank God. All would be perfect if it was not for the audible strain in his voice. It was evidently torturing. For both of you.

“Sator’s got it? All of the parts?” clearing your head, you asked the most important of questions.

How fucked were you?

“Yes,” no hesitation.

Very much so. What would life be without a world-ending scenario taking place just when everything was coming apart? Too boring, probably.

“Fuck” you breathed into the phone, taking a beat to think, “Do we know where? When?”

At least anxiety now had a proper anchor. Something to dig into and stay fixed for a while. A constant companion.

“The day of the Kiev opera siege. But I don’t know where, TP won’t tell me” the remorse was palpable, “Kat helped us piece it together. Sator’s dying, and probably intends to kill himself and trigger the dead-drop, activating the algorithm” double fuck.

Could it get worse? You dared not ask. For a moment, you were grateful Neil called you with the news. At least that way, you heard it from someone you trusted. Or once trusted.

“Jesus…” the silence on the other end was almost comforting, “So that’s the plan? To go back and try to stop him…” you trailed off, raking your head for ways to fix things.

Inversion for over a week more was one thing. Actually pulling this off was another. Because you doubted someone like Sator would be unprepared. You could only hope someone had a plan. Or that your helpful texts would come around. One could wish.

“Yes, in essence,” Neil confirmed your thoughts with that ever-present gloom in his tone.

He was worried too. That eternal desire to comfort him nagged at your bruised heart. It would only get worse once he was within your reach. The collision was unavoidable.

“Okay,” suddenly you wanted nothing but to end the call and sleep, “I’ll let Ives know”

With the awkwardness burning bright, the goodbye was on the tip of your tongue. But…

“I-” Neil cut himself off suddenly.

What? The curiosity was relentless.

“Do you need anything else?” you sat up straighter, forcing the nonchalance.

“No,” after a beat, he added, “Well-”

Christ. There was no power to ignore him.

“Yes?” you stifled the butterflies in your stomach.

It could only hurt more. Surely he would not have anything better to say.

“How are you doing?” the question was dropped with merciless indifference.

You were right. Only he could be that blunt. Unable to keep cool, you cursed out loud:

“Fuck’s sake” taking a deep breath, you gathered all the needed strength to continue, “Neil, do you seriously want me to answer this question?”

There was not enough air in the room. Forcing yourself to calm down, you stared at the wall, counting dents in the metal. Anything to stop the panic.

“I just thought... we’re... I haven’t seen you in over a week and-” he stumbled over the sentence pathetically.

“Maybe it’s better you stop thinking,” you cut him off, feeling the familiar surge of anger “For a while”

How did he dare? You would have thought that he would know better. That he would understand that things changed, and he was no longer allowed access into your mind. But trust Neil to mess it up. To be ignorant of how you felt.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you” the soft tone took you by surprise.

Despite the shock, you were too pissed off to give in.

“... I’m afraid you’ve fucked it then,”

There was no stopping the words that spilled from your throat. They rolled off your tongue, fueled by bitterness and hurt.

“It’s not easy getting over rejection, but then you wouldn’t know that. Everyone wants you. And if they don’t, you move on. No hearts harmed in the process. But not everyone is that lucky” you finished only once there was no breath left in your lungs.

Now he knew. The words hung in the space between you, making the phone seem heavy in your hand. Too much too soon. Just when you thought Neil would not respond, you could hear him take a deep breath before asking:

“Is this really how you understand what I said?” the strange timbre in his voice was confusing.

It was as though he was utterly defeated, devoid of anything but resignation. But why? It was you who were hurting, not him. It made no sense.

“Yes,” that had to suffice.

You already said too much, exposed yourself again. Giving him ammunition to strike when necessary. There was no pretending that you did not care. Or that your misplaced love confession during your last conversation was a lie. A sudden noise at the airlock made you look up. Wheeler entered your shared container, oblivious to the drama taking place. After a second of hesitation, you found that you did not mind the company. Once your eyes met, you just nodded, giving her permission to stay. The sombre half-smile told you she suspected who was on the other end.

“I haven’t pushed you away. When you…” Neil’s voice came through the speaker again.

A hint of desperation. As though he wanted you to understand something obvious. But there was nothing there. You could not forget how he took everything but never gave anything back. It was rather simple.

“There’s a major difference between love and want” stating the truth, you could feel Wheeler’s attentive gaze on you “Doubt you’d push away someone as desperate as I was. Especially when you could have something pleasant out of it. But that doesn’t mean you love me” the strength needed to say those words was all you could manage “I need to go now”

You desperately wanted to bury yourself under the blanket and sleep. Maybe never wake up. That could be nice.

“…I’ll see you tomorrow then” the reluctance tore into the remains of your heart.

Tomorrow. Too soon. You knew there was no way of preparing for it. You would have to endure the unbearable and bear it. The world was more important than your comfort or pride.

“Yes, unfortunately,” the honesty could not hurt anyone.

Least of all Neil. You ended the call before he could say anything else and dropped the phone on the bed. Fuck. Burying your head in the pillow, you tried to level the breathing.

“Are you alright?” Wheeler’s question drifted across the narrow space.

“I will be,” you shrugged, turning to lie on your back and stare at the ceiling.

Emptiness. And even more anxiety. Amazing combo. And all because of that dyed blonde lanky bastard with eyes too blue and jaw too sharp. Trust you to fall for the unattainable.

“It was him, wasn’t it?”

“Yep,” you glanced sideways at your companion with a grimace, “He called to give me a summary of the events, so to speak” that part still did not make sense, but who were you to argue.

Wheeler let out a low hum, making you face her. You did not like the suspicious expression on her face. But you were too tired to ask. Ignorance is our ammunition and all that. You resumed the summary with a heart even heavier:

“And then he asked how I am, and I just…” you trailed off, giving in to the feelings, “Christ, I’ve no clue how I’m supposed to meet him tomorrow”

Pathetic, again. You half expected Wheeler to slap you for being an annoying, lovesick teenager pining after her crush. Which you were, in all fairness. But instead, you felt a hand pat your arm reassuringly.

“You’ll manage” glancing up, you met the warm smile of your companion, “You’re strong” before you could argue, she added, “And from what I’ve heard, you two really should talk, so maybe the opportunity will come up” it was her turn to shrug, wandering off to prepare the second cot.

“I suppose” that sounded like a nightmare “Got news for you and Ives, by the way”

You were hoping she will make you go to the squad leader right this moment. That would be a perfect distraction.

“Those can wait till tomorrow, get some sleep”

Well, fuck.

*** The nerves and increasing panic only caught up with you in the containers on the way to the icebreaker. The morning was spent in that blissful motion you needed so badly. You passed on the information to squad leaders, packed up, and got ready for the journey, which commenced after you got a call from the ship’s captain. The time spent on board was too short for your liking. Gripping the duffel back with your belongings, you focused on breathing slowly while the chinook approached the icebreaker, preparing to drop the containers and fly off. Somehow, the rattling and the cramped space of the metal box were almost comforting. No one could hurt you there. There was no one to escape and to hide from. But, of course, that too was over too soon. As the container touched the ground with a thud, making you all jump up, you only had a moment to clench your jaw. Ives stood up and opened the door as you all formed a proper formation for disembarking. The cold, piercing light of the sun hit you in the face as the wind tangled the cord connecting your oxygen tank to the mask. One look around assured you of two things – you would have to get accustomed to the sight of sea and sky for miles and that there was no hiding from Neil.

He was there, stood right next to TP, awaiting your arrival. It took you a moment to get accustomed to his military get-up. The black windbreaker zipped up, cargo pants with armour pads on the knees, and heavy boots. Hair windswept, falling into his eyes, making you want nothing but to brush it away. Brilliant. And naturally, he noticed you as well, eyes looking over your frame and face, searching for something. You did wonder whether he found it. To distract yourself, your gaze slipped over to look at TP. Still suspicious and serious. But at least he was not staring at you, trying to see into your soul. And that was enough.

“Welcome aboard” his grim countenance lit up for a second.

After a motion from Ives, you stepped up along with him and Wheeler, joining the two men. You had a proper look around. The rows of containers, rigs, and equipment being stacked in crates, ready for the upcoming battle. Eyeing the accommodation part of the cargo ship, you listened on to the conversation:

“Where exactly are we heading?” Ives’s voice cut straight to the point.

Good question. You glanced back at TP, only to find an enigmatic smile grace his features.

“All in the right time,” he responded, and you could see Neil grimace.

Somehow seeing him that frustrated did not cause any satisfaction. Quite the contrary even. To your inner horror, his eyes met yours right then. Curiously considering, before he reached out a hand:

“It’s good to see you” that was undoubtedly directed at you.

The empty pleasantry hurt like a bitch. But, with four pairs of eyes set on you, there was no choice but to accept the outstretched hand. Swallowing down the panic, you let his hand envelope yours in the casual handshake. Even that amount of contact was enough to make you spiral. Especially with how his thumb brushed over your knuckles. The eyes never leaving yours, urging you to understand something. What you had no clue. The moment was over before you realised, and Neil directed the next sentiment at your companions.

“All of you” they exchanged the handshakes while you stared on.

Once that was done, TP directed your attention towards the accommodation again:

“We’ll show you what’s where” he started walking, giving the directions on the go, “Let everyone else disembark in the meantime”

At least he was more like himself.

You followed them, taking in all the shown spaces. The lower part was occupied by the turnstile and potential training spaces. As you passed, you could hear Ives making arrangements for the troops to start sparing and shooting practice as soon as possible. Next, there were bunk beds and sleeping spaces for everyone. Rows upon rows of small bunks, only privacy was a curtain separating the mattress from the outside world. But it had to do, of course. As you moved up past the machinery, the kitchen, and the common spaces, you have been led to an airlocked corridor near the bridge.

“That’s where we sleep” TP waved a hand in the general direction of the many doors in the corridor.

There was a total of four cabins and a bathroom. Your gaze settled on Neil again. Entirely on its own accord. He shifted hesitantly before directing a question at the squad leader:

“Ives, do you guys want to stay with the troops?”

You could see the emotions bubbling under the nonchalant expression. It was not the usual charming, suave Neil you have met. Now there was uncertainty, doubt, and insecurity. As though he suddenly lost all the confidence and was trying to piece himself together. You did wonder what made him hurt that much.

“Yeah, that’s better for the morals,” Ives replied, ending your strange thoughts.

“As you wish,” Neil grinned in response, before glancing at TP, “I’ll go check on Kat”

Before anyone could respond, he disappeared down the corridor. Interesting. Could it be that he too was bothered by what was going on? Difficult to imagine but plausible.

“Those are yours, Y/N” the mention of your name made you look up.

TP was staring at you inquisitively, a hand on a doorknob, awaiting a reaction. That was unexpected. As much as the fact that he used your name. And did not look that pissed off anymore. You did wonder what was said during their journey back to Oslo. How much did he know?

“I thought I’ll be with the rest of the squad” you stared back quizzically.

“Neil made sure you got your own space” TP shrugged as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

What the hell. Was that why he so casually run off?

“How very kind of him,” you muttered, feeling the gazes of everyone else burning on your skin.

Damn people and their curiosity.

“He’s down the corridor, if-” oh fuck no.

“Thanks,” you cut off the boss with the voice as cold as ice.

He understood, nodding curtly. Thank god. It was enough to know that Neil was close. You did not need the specifics. Or the insinuations behind the information. It did not matter; you would not be visiting him any time soon. Or ever.

*** You have managed to avoid meeting Neil throughout the day. It was busy, filled with getting settled aboard the icebreaker and planning what the next days are going to hold. You were not told what your destination was, but you had a clue Ives knew. That was… disappointing. You have happily missed the mealtime, choosing to hide in the 2 x 3 metres of space that was your cabin. The small bed, one round window, tiny bedside cabinet, and a chair were all you could depend on for the next eight days. Not bad. You were intent on staying there for as long as possible, avoiding the outside unless absolutely necessary. It was a good plan until, at around 1 am, your stomach started rumbling. Supposedly a whole day on just breakfast was bound to end like this. But you were still outraged. Because that meant going out. And here there be monsters. Sighing heavily, you put on the shoes and a jacket and warily stepped into the corridor. Silence. Cold metal walls and floors, deep dark shadows. With the official meeting taking place the next morning, you were hoping everyone was asleep. Or doing whatever people did at night.

Sealing the airlock in the small kitchen, you took off the oxygen mask and placed it on the small table. The galley was equipped with the necessary stuff, including a large, packed fridge, a kettle, sink, and some cabinets filled with non-perishable foods. The eerie silence was almost deafening, so you turned the kettle on, creating background noise. Going through the arsenal, you chose to prepare a sandwich and a tea and then promptly run away to your room. Just in case. As you set to work, confidence grew. Maybe you got lucky. You were in the middle of cutting the bread roll in half when the unmistakable sound of the zipper rung out. Fuck.

“… Hey,” of course.

Your hand slipped, knife slicing open the skin on your pointer finger. Blood dripping onto the counter.

“Shit!” you cursed and dropped the knife, bringing the injured finger to your mouth.

As the coppery taste dissolved on your tongue, you risked turning around to face the intruder. That was mistake number one. Neil was staring at you with concern etched onto his face. Lips pursed; brows furrowed. Hair ruffled as though he has been outside for an extended period of time. The moment your eyes met his, you felt trapped. There was nowhere to go. Just you and him, in 7 square metres. Bloody perfect. His gaze flitted between you and your wounded hand, hesitating and calculating. It was obvious, even to him.

“Are you alright?” the strange unfamiliarity took you by surprise.

You could see the conflict plain as day. Glancing at the cut, you were relieved to see that it was rather shallow, albeit still bleeding significantly. Turning on the tap to rinse it, you replied:

“Yep,” that simple.

And yet not at all. Neil edged closer, stopping right next to you but preserving a meter of space. Turning off the water, you looked up at him curiously. Too close. The blue threatened to drown you if you were not careful. He reached out a hand with fingers trembling slightly. You were frozen in the spot, seeing but unable to react, as he took another step forward.

“Show me-” the moment his skin made contact with yours, the paralysis disappeared.

God no. You jumped back, hitting the edge of the counter with your back. A dull throbbing was nothing compared to the hammering heart and the searing pain in your chest. His eyes widened in shock. Your reaction was evidently unexpected.

“No, that won’t be necessary” finding the voice again, you mustered a tight-lipped smile.

If this were to work, you had to avoid any physical contact. Somehow you knew that if he touched you, the resolve would begin to crumble. That could not happen. You took a deep breath and focused back on the task. The tension was of the knife-cutting kind. Swallowing you both in despair. In the corner of your eye, you could see Neil hesitate, watching you closely. Then he must have made up his mind, for he opened the fridge and started searching for something. After another minute of near-fatal awkwardness, you spoke up:

“Have you been outside?” a simple question dropped in an almost neutral tone.

Fitting perfectly between strokes of the butter knife on the roll. Small talk, easy enough, right?

“Yeah, I’ve watched the stars” Neil took out bread and settled by you at the counter “The sky’s pretty clear tonight” he glanced at you for a second, an enigmatic look on his face.

The walls were up. Back to pretending.

“Mhmm,” you nodded, praying to every god in the universe for help.

Thankfully, one must have listened… Well, sort of.  

“You’ve missed the meal earlier,” he noticed while turning on the toaster.

Of course, he would. Forcing your hands to stay steady as you sliced up the tomato, you thought of a good enough answer. Because the truth would not do.

“Just didn’t feel like it” you shrugged, avoiding his eyes.

But he was staring. Leaning by the counter, watching you closely. You felt that this was it when it came to a casual conversation between you.

“But now you do?” this next question sounded differently.

There was a suspicious edge to his voice that you knew would be reflected in his eyes. Your acting was not good enough for this. Swallowing down the rising discomfort, you faced him and steeled your features.

“Yes,” that should suffice.

But then, seeing him attempt psychoanalysis through the means of staring, you chose honesty.

“I was hoping I won’t meet anyone around here this late,” you added and met his gaze.

A challenge. Tell me how I’m wrong, kind of thing. The truth he so clearly wanted. And Neil took it without hesitation.

“Anyone? Or just me?” eyes narrowed; lips curled into a smirk you did not like.

What the fuck? You felt a rush of anger. He maybe was right. But that did not mean he was allowed to question you. To make claims as clear as this.

“What’s your point?” you arched an eyebrow, forcing the most neutral of tones.

A shadow passed through his face, a hint of uncertainty. But as soon as you noticed it, it was gone. He shook his head with an almost imperceptible smile.

“No matter” waving his hand dismissively, he reached for the kettle.

Too close again. His arm brushed against yours as he filled in both of your mugs with the boiling water. You glared at that but chose to bite back the comment. At least he was being useful…

“You were rather quiet earlier...” Neil’s voice brought you back to the present moment.

Your head snapped up, meeting his intense stare. What? From the curiosity in his eyes, you deduced that he was waiting for an answer to that. You were sure to deliver.

“If you wanted me to publicly declare my hatred for you, then I’m sorry to disappoint,” shrugging, you took satisfaction in the way his eyes widened “Are you using that?” pointing at the container with sugar, you observed him a little longer.

Neil seemed less confident now. His tense posture and clenched jaw showed as much. Or the fact that suddenly he was not as eager to stare at you. Maybe that was a win. The only response you got was a head nod for ‘no’. But before you could celebrate the unlikely victory, he spoke again:

“Last time we talked, you said something a little different” there was that suspicious edge again.

You did not dare meet his eyes. The casual way in which he referred to the event made your blood boil. Because that was all the evidence you needed to confirm the worst-case assumptions: he did not care. To Neil, all this was a passing thing, something you can let go of when it becomes inconvenient. Trust you to give your heart to someone like that. The thought gave you an idea. What was said could not be unsaid, but…

“Yeah, but I thought about it, and... I take it back” once the words left your mouth, you felt a stronger surge of fury.

It only got worse when you caught a glimpse of hurt in the depths of his eyes. It was hidden well but still there.

“What?” Neil swallowed hard.

You could see that he did not expect that from you. Good. Perhaps it was a lie, but who was to say you had to be honest. After all, he was not, as it turned out. The look of confusion on his face made you turn up the emotions, throwing in irritability to the mix.

“I know you can be dense, but I’m sure you understood it well enough. I take back what I said in Tallinn” no effort was needed to be mean.

Just as easy as it was to lie. Perhaps too easy even. Out of curiosity, you watched him absorb what you said. At first, Neil’s lips parted a little as though he was holding in a gasp. Then he tensed, and eyebrows furrowed. That was denial. It was replaced with a painfully fake smile. One that did not reach his eyes. In summary, Neil did not seem relieved by what you said. Nor did he seem happy about it. Tough luck.

“Feelings change, huh?” nonchalantly he eyed you as though trying to find anything amiss.

The intensity of his gaze felt as though the fire was burning your skin. Suddenly the casual outfit seemed inadequate. Almost nonexistent in how he could see right through it. It took you a moment to shook it off. To remember that this was a duel, and you could still win. But only if you did not allow him to get too close.

“No. People do” you shrugged and went back to finishing the tea.

Just like that. A silence. And then the sound of a throat being cleared awkwardly:

“What are you trying to say?” unsure and shocked.

The metaphorical penny dropped. You could spare him the torture.

“You know,” putting away the teaspoon with a clink you eyed the toaster, “You might want to take that toast out unless you fancy eating carbon”

“Thanks,” Neil offered you a tight-lipped smile before he attended the burned toast.

You felt like that was the perfect metaphor for the state of your relationship. Or whatever the fuck was it. You were not sure what made you stay then. The walk back to your room did not seem convenient anymore. And the table was right there… It was rather risky, but then it was hard to deny yourself the pleasure. However questionable it may be. He was still your Neil, and his presence felt like the home you have desperately missed. Fortune favours the brave, or whatever. Ignoring his surprised look, you set down the plate and the mug and sat down at the narrow table. You did not have to wait long for a question:

“Do you mind if I stay?” the uncertainty in his voice made you look up.

Sure enough, the blue eyes were fixed on you with reluctance. As though he did not expect you to allow him that much. But then… why not? Perhaps it was the masochistic tendencies speaking.

“Suit yourself” you offered him the tiniest of smiles and focused on finally eating the carefully prepared sandwiches.

The ones you paid in blood and nerves for. At least they were good. After another moment, Neil joined, taking his seat opposite you. You could not help but snicker at the blackened toasts gracing his plate.

For a few minutes, you ate in silence, stealing glances at each other as though they were a crime. For you, they almost felt like it. His blonde hair (fake, as you had to remind yourself) reflected the fluorescents, giving him that angelic look that used to draw you in. It still did as much, only now it was paired with desperation everybody feels when faced with the unattainable. The forbidden fruit. Unable to stop yourself, you glanced at his lips then. The pull was still there, threatening to come crashing down and leave you gasping for air. But you could not give in.

“You saw us” as though Neil could read your mind, he spoke up, “Back at the airport, with Kat,” adding, he met your gaze.

You could tell that this was another attempt at small talk of sorts. You wondered how long this would take until another argument could begin to brew.

“Yeah,” nodding, you took a sip of the tea.

That was all he needed. The moment still sometimes haunted you. The look in his eyes when Neil saw you in Oslo. Now it all made more sense. The shock and apprehension. You were probably the last person he wanted to see back then. 

“Why you’ve never said anything?” the question took you by surprise.

Neil, of all people, should know better. You took a moment to gather the thoughts, staring back into those eyes that seemed to see right through you.

“I just followed your favourite logic” upon his confused expression, you explained, “What’s happened-”

“-Happened” he grinned; too proud “You know me well”

His hand that was resting by the mug twitched as though he wanted to reach out. You could not tear your eyes away from it, battling the most primal of instincts that just wanted to touch him. Ignoring the urge, you finished the tea and muttered the answer:

“I thought I do”

It was another of those things that were too easy to tell him. Even though you were being vulnerable through admitting it. Most rules were broken already.

“But?”

You stood up, avoiding the desire to look him in the eye. Anything to make this easier. Enough. You got what you wanted, but now it was time to leave. To cut this torture short for you both.

“If Tallinn taught me anything is that I don’t know you at all. Not the real you, anyway” you rinsed the dishes and moved to the door “Now, excuse me-”

Neil moved fast. Before you could realise he stood up, his hand was wrapped around your arm, making escape impossible. Bewildered by the feelings rushing in all at once, you met his eyes. Even through the two layers of clothing, his touch was burning you. A reminder of all that you have lost. The immeasurable depth of expression in Neil’s face was not helping. You could discern determination, worry, and panic, among others. As though only now he has realised the extent of the damage.

“I never lied to you. Not even once” his grip tightened as he took a step forward.

Your back hit the wall, trapping you between him and the cold metal.

“Should I congratulate you?” stifling the raising panic, you stared up at him with defiance.

It worked.

“…Jesus,” Neil swallowed hard, unable to hide the exasperation, “Why are you like this?”

With the newly found position, you could easily judge his state of mind. He was annoyed, angry even. And that was triggering. Even though the proximity was slowly hazing your mind, proposing scenarios that could never happen. Fuck. You took a deep breath to calm down. To ignore how it felt to have someone look at you like this. Not platonically.

“If you need to ask, I think there’s no point in dragging this conversation any longer” finding your voice again you made sure to turn up the notch “I’d rather go to sleep than get rejected again” the coldness came out of nowhere.

But it was helpful. He did not expect that. The hand on your arm relaxed a little.

“I never rejected you” crease between his eyebrows deepened.

Right. Unable to stop the rising bitterness, you scoffed in his face. This was the opportunity to win the battle and get away before you could fuck it up even worse.

“You’re right,” you relished in the utter confusion visible “You did something worse. But I’m really not in the mood to argue, so… please let me go” gingerly, you placed your hand on his chest with the intent to push him away.

That was another mistake. Neil covered your palm with his, making you shudder. That was enough to make everything worse. Because there was no way of stopping the thoughts. Of ignoring the want, you tried to suppress for the past week. With him this close, touching you as though he meant it, you soon realised how bad it was. There was no way of getting rid of the feelings.

“I’m worried about you. You don’t look well” he broke the tense silence, forcing you to look up.

As if. His face was too striking. With blood pounding in your ears, you made another attempt at freeing yourself by trying to push him away.

“I don’t need your sympathy” taking a step forwards you hoped he would back off.

He did not. The concern visible in his blue eyes was overwhelming any last bit of sanity. All that was left did not make any sense. For a second, you wanted nothing but to have an innocent passerby interrupt you. The embarrassment could be worth it.

“I’m pretty sure you haven’t slept in days. And I-”

Neil was too close. The hand that was wrapped around your arm slid down to your waist while the other wandered up, fingers ghosting your neck. You closed your eyes for a split second, calming down the racing thoughts. This could not happen.

“Neil, stop,” shaking off the paralysis, you cupped his cheek “You can’t help me. So, let’s just leave it,” pouring in all the despair into your gaze, you met his eyes.

What you saw reflected was startling. You have never seen him that confused.

“I…” he faltered, losing the momentum that was there a second ago.

You were winning. But there was no satisfaction. Just the overwhelming despair, tempting you to make use of the predicament. Just this once. It was too easy to let your fingers caress his jaw, feeling the two-day stubble he did not bother shaving off. The disorientation in his eyes deepened as he stared at you with amazement. Speechless, frozen in the moment that seemed endless. As you brushed the pad of your thumb over his lips, Neil inhaled sharply, waking up from the reverie. His grip on your waist tightened, drawing you even closer. The expression in his eyes shifted. Pupils darkened as want took over the reason. You could feel yourself slipping down the slippery slope. Risking too much for god knows what. Or why. The air he breathed out ghosted your lips, an offer of what you could have. The exact same thing you have missed more than anything else. As if guided by the gravity itself, you leaned in, your noses brushing. Mere two inches of space. It would be so easy…

“If you don’t love me, then what is this?” Neil asked, breaking the silence and putting on another enigmatic smile.

The audacity of the question felt like a punch in the gut. That was the harsh wake-up call. Your salvation.

“Whatever it was for you in Tallinn,” you bit back, letting the anger seep into your answer “Let me go” the ice-cold tone was a perfect touch.

Neil took one last long look over your face before he stepped back, releasing you. The visible disappointment made you even angrier. Because how did he dare? What even was this? You had no clue. Only that you were right about touches being forbidden from now on.

“As you wish,” the pleasantry was thrown in your face with a mocking intonation.

You wanted nothing but to slap him. Punch him, make him bleed and hurt like you were. But that would be unbecoming for someone like you. And so, you straightened your back, grabbed the mask, and fixed it over your mouth and nose without as much as a glance in his direction. Enough now.

“See you at the meeting tomorrow” throwing the goodbye over your shoulder you unzipped the airlock.

“Good night” was the last thing you heard upon the exit from the galley.

Jesus Christ. Finally, there was air to breathe.

*** That night you did not get much sleep either, tossing and turning on the narrow bed, unable to make your brain shut up. It was hard not to come up with all the possible what-ifs. Not to wonder what could have happened should Neil stayed silent, and you were to continue. To let yourself get lost in him like you used to. And all of those questions were only amplified by the fact that you chose to sleep in the stolen sweater. Why? You had no clue. Like many things, even your brain stopped making sense a long time ago. And so, when your phone alarm finally rang, you could only accept the fate and grudgingly get up. The dark circles were hard to hide. Or the way your shoulders sagged at the mere idea of facing everyone else. But there was no other way. You got dressed in the most practical outfit and left the cabin with the heart hammering in your chest. All the courage accepted. The mere idea of facing Neil made your stomach turn. That vouched for an amazing start indeed.

The official meeting was supposed to take place at 9:00 on the indoor bridge, and as far you knew the purpose was to officially brief you and the squad. You followed the half-remembered directions, by miracle arriving at the airlock leading to a lounge-like space with sofas, a table with ten chairs, and panoramic windows proving splendid view of the inverted waves and occasional seagulls. It seemed like you were the first one to arrive. Taking a longer look to stare at the horizon, you jumped up at the sound of a throat being cleared. Not alone then…

“Good morning” tall blonde woman stood up from her position on the sofa.

Kat. The drama of the previous night almost made you forget about her. But there is only so long you can run away from reality. The anxiety spike made you take a deep breath before you could respond.

“Hi,” frowning at the awkwardness of the tone, you flashed her an apologetic smile “Sorry to interrupt if you’ve-”

“No, no, it’s okay,” she waved a hand dismissively and settled back on the cushions “I’ve just been watching the birds really. Still can’t get used to them” the thoughtful look in her eyes made you smile.

She could not be older than Neil. Tall and slender, dressed in practical military clothes as everyone else, she seemed so different from the woman you saw in Tallinn, bleeding and on the verge of death. Now there was steely confidence to her, intangible yet present. Tentatively, you joined her on the sofa, never taking your eyes off the horizon.

“It takes a while. The first time I got inverted, I panicked the moment I saw a pigeon flying backwards” you did not know where the honesty came from.

Or why you shared the story. But the bewildered smile that split Kat’s face was a good enough reward.

“That sounds horrendous” she choked back a laugh, meeting your gaze with sparkling blue eyes.

“It was cooing too” you added with the conspiratorial whisper, awaiting a response, barely concealing a giggle that was rising in your throat.

“Good God” she grinned in your direction.

Maybe there was some goodness in the universe…

“Yeah, basically” returning the smile, you reached out a hand “Sorry we’ve never got introduced, I’m Y/N”

“Kat” she shook your palm, smiling sympathetically “It’s nice to meet you. Are you part of the squad?”

“Well, sort of… I don’t really know what’s my role is in all this” shrugging helplessly, you allowed more honesty to permeate the sentence “But I’m too involved to ask questions”

“I know the feeling well” you knew the quiet resignation in her gaze from the reflection in the mirror.

As you opened your mouth to ask a question, a zip on the airlock made you freeze. Peace was not an available commodity these days.

“Good morning ladies” Neil’s voice rung out in the room as he stepped into the view.

The fake cheeriness looked out of place on his sombre face. After a quick scan, you could tell that he too has not slept well. And that he was trying his hardest to appear alright when he was everything but. A tell-tale sign was the untied shoelace and uncombed hair sticking out in every direction. Details easily missed by everyone but you. There was nothing you could do with that information. It felt like another tiny but painful stab straight into your battered heart. You did wonder how many more could you handle.

“Did you get a good rest?” Kat’s innocent question brought you back to the moment.

“Not quite” Neil grimaced slightly as his eyes slipped over onto you for a fraction of a second.

That was enough to make Kat notice. You were sure of it. Your cheeks reddened on their own accord, and you returned Neil’s tight-lipped smile. A finishing touch to the act.

The awkward silence that followed was deafening. Neil sat by the table, tapping his foot unconsciously. Kat seemed perplexed, glancing at you both, trying to understand. You would not even know how to explain it if she asked. Suddenly, a text alert pierced the silence, making you jump up. The device buzzed in the pocket of your pullover. With a shaking hand, you retrieved the phone and glanced at the display. TP.

“Fuck” you let out a curse as your eyes flitted over the text.

Passwords. To what? Hell knows.

“What is it?” Neil stood up and was at your side in a second.

You looked up, straight into his eyes. Whatever happened did not matter now. You both understood that.

“I don’t know…” biting down on your lip, you scanned the room, settling on a computer lying on the table, “Give me that laptop. Please” you gestured towards the device, urging him to catch up.

He did. Using those long legs that you always admired, he crossed the room in no time and handed you the laptop. Your hands were trembling as you typed in the passcodes and entered the folder where files from TP always appeared. It certainly did not help that Neil has perched on the armrest of the sofa and was looking over your shoulder. Or that his hand landed on the nape of your neck as he adjusted in the strange position. You swallowed hard, focused on finding the newest folder. Surely enough it was there. Password protected. You typed in the combination of letters and numbers from the text message and held your breath as the system loaded. A second later, you were staring at several files that appeared on the screen. Double-clicking on the first pdf, you opened up a map of a location.

“Is that…” Neil’s whisper came from right over your ear.

Breath ghosting over your neck, making you shiver. But there were more important matters to attend to. Shaking off the feeling, your eyes scanned the map.

“Stalsk-12” you read out loud, “I think this is our destination. TP sent those so we know what to expect” looking at Neil again, you were struck by the proximity.

He nodded, holding your gaze intently. You could see that he was processing what you said and all the implications. What the unexpected files could mean for you. And what were the critical steps to be taken.

“What do you mean he sent those? He’s-” Kat’s confused question made you both snap out of it.

It was terrifyingly easy to forget people other than Neil existed. Another issue to add to your list.

“I’m sorry, I really can’t explain it” you gave Kat the most regretful of smiles and opened a different file.

This one was a list of tips in a way. A short letter with instructions, addressed to you alone. Aware of the tension pervading the room, you scanned it, catching onto the things he mentioned. A tunnel leading to the dead-drop. Hypocenter in the middle of the Soviet secret city. Inverted and normal mercenaries. It sounded like something taken out of an action film. But, supposedly, that was your reality now.

“Anything good?” Neil chimed in, unable to control the anticipation.

You glanced at him again, catching the way he was staring at you rather than at the screen. The way the early morning sun reflected off his profile was tragic. The hair shone like rays of sunlight. The long eyelashes framed his eyes, making the blue stand out even more. Fucking masterpiece. He met your gaze warily, and his brows furrowed even more. That was the cue to answer his question. And to stop staring.

“He’s saying that the most crucial bit will be the lock leading to the dead-drop,” you explained, highlighting the line in the doc “And is sending you his regards,” adding, you gave Neil a small smile.

They were there alright. A final line, telling you to make sure he stays sane and alive. Worrying remark, but you were afraid the boss miscalculated your influence upon the blonde bastard. Maybe he was wrong about some things? Just as the man in question opened his mouth again, someone else entered the bridge, accompanied by the sound of heavy boots and puffs of air from the oxygen masks.

“Who’s saying what?” TP’s question made you frown as the man himself stepped into the room.

Of course, he’d hear that. Now came the dilemma you never knew you would have to face – how to tell your boss you have received information from his future, dead self? And how to make him believe you?

“We’ve got intel. About where we’re heading,” you were saved from answering the question by Neil, who stood up and faced the boss “It’s Siberia, isn’t it?”

Judging by the palpable shock and irritation on TP’s face, it was, in fact, Siberia.

“Who told you that?” the offensive edge to his voice felt like a flashback to Tallinn and the turnstile.

You would rather avoid a repetition of that. Standing up, you took a deep breath. Before anyone else could break-in, you spoke up:

“A very reliable source” when TP’s gaze settled on you, you shrugged.

Quiet confidence, right? A passing shadow of suspicion was not the most encouraging of signs.

“Reliable to who?” his gaze flitted between you and Neil.

Only now you realised how close you were standing to him. Your elbows brushed as you tried to think of an answer. Anything to win the case.

“All of us” Neil’s simple response made you look up at him.

His gaze was fixed on TP with adamant resolve. You felt like this was not the same man who had let his friend pin him to the wall and interrogate him in the most brutal of fashions. The boss sighed and looked at you again.

“How did you get it?”

Right…

“… password protected files” the half-truth felt like the worst of lies.

“From whom?” he pressed, all of the intensity of the dark stare on you.

You could only offer him another shrug and a remorseful look on your face. The scowl you got in response was concerning. But you could not give in.

“I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the best piece of information we could get. We’ve got terrain plans and intel about the dead-drop. Maybe with this, we can make it work” taking a step forwards, you hoped he can see the desperation in your eyes, “All you have to do is trust me” the addition felt necessary, even if hard to be spoken out loud.

The frown on TP’s face deepened as he sighed heavily.

“Bloody hell…” he glanced at the blonde man again, “Neil, what are you thinking?”

Only now you could feel how fast your heart has been beating. Or that sometime within the last few minutes, you have started to tremble.

“I trust her. With my life” Neil delivered the admission with the most neutral of tones.

Fuck. The heartbeat stumbled and then kicked back into action at twice the speed. Unable to stop yourself, you turned around to face him. Sure enough, he met your gaze with certainty. As though that was obvious. Well, maybe to him…

“And the fate of the world too,” he added after a beat, clearly highlighting what mattered more.

Another thing that did not make sense. You made sure he could see the confusion in your eyes as you gave him a formal nod. It was a public setting after all, and you need not make a scene in front of Kat and TP.  But at least you had support in your fight, and that was perhaps most important right now.

“This intel is all we’ve got. We might as well make use of it,” Neil summarized, taking that step closer to you again.

You both faced the boss, taking concerning amounts of confidence from simply being able to do it together. You could see the internal battle on TP’s face. Worry, uncertainty, suspicion, conflict, trust…? Finally, he closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. When he looked at you again, you could tell that it was done. Only…

“If it backfires…” the unspoken hint of consequences if something went terribly wrong.

You just had to make sure it would not. Easy enough…right?

“If it does, then we’ll worry. For now, let’s get to work” Neil waved his hand dismissively, a rare genuine smile brightening up his face “The stage is yours,” tentatively, he placed his hand on your back, giving you a light push.

Permission to take over. Support and the inability to keep his hands off you. Enough to make you consider jumping off the afterdeck into the freezing depths of the Barents Sea. Because even that was better than approximately a week more of this. But the seals would have to wait. The blue eyes were fixed on you with a glimmer that seemed too affectionate for the state of the affairs. Let’s wipe it off with the best weapon available – the crushing weight of reality. You took a deep breath and began the explanation.