#Probably the longest journal post ill ever make

[jamboarbs]

Big crazy day journal post time

So, woke up this morning for work.

Gotcha! That's already a lie, I woke up well before my alarm because I've been having chronic sleep issues. I have a history of sleep apnea and insomnia, but lately I've had a whole new issue. To put it simply, once I've been woken up I can't get back to sleep. Doesn't matter if it's just to go to the bathroom, or a loud sound. This has been an ongoing problem for weeks, and I knew by the time my alarm went off I would not make it through today ok. So I took DECISIVE ACTION and called out from work. If you're reading this and don't know me that well, yes that is DECISIVE for me. Immediately knew I had to arrange a doctor's appointment to get a note, but once I had set out to do it I realized this something I should have been more prescient about in the first place, with my appointment to get my HRT dosage upped this Friday especially. So I got my exhausted boans out of bed, set up with a local urgent care, and had a nice morning talk with my beautiful girlfriend ^w^

It took me a bit longer to get going than I would like to admit, but once I finally got myself going I felt determined. Like I was about to take on something big, how ironic. I get dressed, order an Uber and head on out. The ride was nothing significant. made me very glad that even though I skipped breakfast, I still took my allergy meds. My city is getting ass blasted by a dust storm atm.

Get to the clinic, immediately realize how different it is. I thought I was heading to an urgent care, I had actually went to an ER. Apparently they do operate as standalone setups outside of hospitals. This turned out to probably be for the best.

I immediately get seen by a doctor and two nurses, the place is dead empty somehow even though it's one of maybe 3 Urgent care/ER's open on Sunday here. I start to get nervous progressively as I get brought in, until finally I get the question. So I'm dreading it, but of course with my health in mind I bring up my HRT when I'm asked about my medication. This is when my anxiety kicks into gear. The doctors don't do anything that makes me feel so, it's just my default state because of the conservative state I live in.

All things considered I said it with very little hesitation and continued on the screening. The doctor seeing me joined us by this point. After going over my symptoms, the sleep loss, chronic gut pains, etc. he immediately decided to put me on a I.V.

This quite stunned me, and for all intents and purposes this is the turning point of our story.

It clicked with me in this moment, I called out of work thinking I was doing it for my health. Yet up until right then I was only there to get a note. I thought I was playing this up to make sure I had an excuse to skip. Only after listing all of my very real symptoms, and seeing the look of concern on these men's faces did it hit me.

I had been ignoring my own health to get by for weeks.

So while still processing this, they guided me to the bed, briefed me on what they were going to give me and prepped the IV. I could immediately tell this doctor was good, he tried to reassure me by saying it was mostly because I seemed dehydrated. I knew what he really meant, he saw straight through me and all the friendliness to how haggard I really was. The nurse began the IV and I warned them I was going to look away because of my past with needles. The doctor held my hands to calm me.

After setting everything up, the two men left to get me a cocktail of at least three meds. Even though it was for such a short time they were gone, it was enough. All of this hit me, I looked down at my feet in the hospital bed, inspected the new hole in my arm. I ended up here thinking I was just subduing my anxiety by getting a stupid work note. I had actually needed medical attention and was too busy surviving to stop and realize.

So whether through sheer coincidence or subconscious push I was here. All of the gravity of the sleep deprivation, stomach problems and chronic pain hit me at once. I started crying so much I hid my face in my hat. I only barely got to start by the time my nurse came back with the IV bag. Being able to tell how upset I was, and knowing I would be on the IV for a while; he very clinically, yet kindly assured me. Explained the meds, got me tissues, even a drink. As swiftly as he arrived, he left. Closing the door to the room, killed the lights and drew the curtain for me.

Knowing what this man, who seemed wholly uninterested initially interpreted, it all hit me.

I began sobbing

Tears streaming down my face

Deeply saddened by how I had let myself get like this. Maybe my level of shame here is hard to understand. I only recently feel like I have gotten true love in my life. Both platonic and romantic. I have people who care about me so deeply now. I want more than anything to see what they see in me, and at the very least take care of myself. To love them back.

Realizing I got so wrapped up in my own mental comfort blanket broke me a little. I had gone back to just surviving again.

So I spent the next hour roughly, resting, fretting over my IV, drying my tears.

I calmed down a good while before my nurse came back. He removed the IV, and the doctor came to brief me. The good news is my samples came back fine. Like the doctor easily intuited, it was all the stress. I was prescribed some anxiety meds alongside stomach meds to control the gastritis symptoms.

The doctor the whole time was unbelievably sweet, asked me for my pronouns as soon as he knew about the HRT. Kept telling me about his stepson and his experiences. I even got called young lady (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

It really helped pick me up after all the crying.

By the time I'm all put together and ready to set up my ride home the weather has worsened exponentially. It takes a while to get a ride because of the dust and wind, but I am so glad I got who I did ^w^

I ended up being picked up by a sweet guy, we went on our way to my pharmacy to get my meds and had a lovely conversation on the way. I cracked him up with some bad mu-metal jokes lol

When we get there, I tell him I'll be in and out to drop them off so we can go back to my place and finish the Uber ride. Unbeknownst to me this was not going to happen.

So in order I:

Found out my CVS no longer takes my insurance.

My HRT meds I got through them were probably also not insured and I wasn't told then

It would be a minimum of $70 I didn't have for the meds

And it would be a 45 minute wait because they didn't start prepping one

So I start to panic a little. I go back to my driver and explain the situation. I tell him I'll just have him take me home and I'll come back. Instead, he insists on waiting with me. Random guy I just met, doesn't mind an hour of his day gone. I'm floored at this point. Here begins a tedious, uninteresting back and forth. Where I run from the pharmacy counter and back to his car with updates multiple times. Eventually after they had dropped the ball so many times, and changed medicine prices on me at least twice.

This guy.

This fucking guy.

He offers to take me, off his own dollar to the pharmacy that will take my insurance. If I wasn't already this tired I would have started crying again.

So after a very awkward exchange with the CVS pharmacy rep, I cancelled my prescriptions through them and headed out

We chat the entire way to the pharmacy, It's one of the kind inside a Walmart. We hit it off just incredibly well considering I'm running off maybe 9 hours of sleep over the last 3-4 days. Enjoy our conversation the whole way. When we get out there, he even agrees to join me inside, wait for my meds with me and everything.

At this point I almost can't believe this guy is real. He straight up tells me he's writing the time spent off working as his good deed for the day. All dedicated to his grandma who raised him. Absolute fucking legend.

He makes me so comfortable I start telling him about my family. About being kicked out, and not even bothering with telling them about my transition.

He acted surprised when I told him I was trans, but he seemed to have already been cautious about gendering me, so I think he was just being nice.

We ended up spending half an hour just chatting in the kitchenware section. Talking about our lives, like we were old schoolmates or something.

Eventually I get my meds, he dotes on me the whole time. Reinforcing how obviously drained I must look. It was incredibly touching though, none of it felt forced, and made me feel seen.

We leave the store and he offers to take me to go get some food ( I had casually mentioned not eating yet today while at the pharmacy counter)

We grabbed a quick bite and headed to my apartment, still chatting the entire way. By the time we got there it felt like we were already friends. While part of it is definitely how amazingly friendly this guy is. I also feel comfortable saying it wouldn't have been anywhere near as friendly if this was the old me. Even with the shame of letting myself neglect my health still fresh, I can feel how much I've opened up. No matter how corny it sounds, people can recognize whether or not you're genuine. Be yourself.

By the time we make it back I'm starting to feel the exhaustion creep back in, but we say a very happy goodbye and exchange contact info.

So that was my day ^w^

I prolly could have shortened it down a bunch, made it more interesting to read, blablahblahblahblah...

If you made it this far and are thinking any of that, while you do have a point you are missing mine.

Today more than anything was a learning experience for me. It started with asking my girlfriend for comfort, and ended with making a new friend. Even when it seems hard. Even when you feel like a burden. Reach out. You're worth it. Whether that's directly to your loved one, or expressing your troubles openly so kind souls can lend a hand, it doesn't matter. Just learn to lean on people a little, even if you've got burned in the past like me.

Thank you if you read this far, I don't expect anybody to but my mutuals but who knows.

Special thanks and love to:

Vera, my wonderful girlfriend

Charlie, my support goblin

Cecil, because I know you'll read this

Skylar, for helping out a stranger

- Jen

[vinniedirkota]

another stray thought i should probably be putting in my journal

wanted to write it down. ill look at this later and go ??? whyd i make a post about this its obvious to me

people who understood me the most for some of my kintypes i guess. i dont know why its so important to me to be understood, but it still is. in most of my type i craved it, sought it in my own way. or...just people i loved the most, i guess. some of them.

tom (as shizuo.) makes sense. he was my best friend. i also loved him the most. i thought of izaya at first but honestly man izaya didnt understand me all that well, despite being 'like me.' he got confused whenever i didnt act 'monsterlike.'

tord. unfortunately. a two way street. i could See him and he could See me. i guess being seen is not quite being understood though because we still hated each others guts. i suspect we understood each other better when she was tori, for some reason.

chibita, sort of. more than anyone else i knew, but chibita is chibita.

wish i could say cav but i dont think he got me all that much. a hardheaded man.

shasta. i didnt always get her but she saw right through me. my best friend then. i felt like her soulmate.

jamila. i feel like she did. i still consider her one of the closer friends ive had, or ever had as sonny. shes special.

roxy. i love roxy, she was my best friend out of everybody and even when we werent talking or we didnt get what the other was going through, i felt the closest to her. i still feel the closest to her. i feel a little guilty sometimes that i didnt understand her as well as she did me.

alva. who else was i gonna talk to? the only other sane person in town for the longest time. commiserating almost friends, then actual friends.

betty. of course i was gonna include her. i feel like only tom rivaled her in terms of people in these other selves who actually got me. the closeness is indescribable. i dont know how to convey it but again i feel like a part of me is missing without her.

[evilovesyou]

Thank you to @haztobegood @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed @justalarryblog @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @loulovehome and @jacaranda-bloom for tagging me in this! I loved reading all your posts!!

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 15 (half of all the fics I've ever posted!)

2. Word count posted for the year: 178.735 !!!

3. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction, Lewis Capaldi, But I'm a Cheerleader

4. Pairings: 1D Pairings: Harry/Louis, Lewis/Niall, Zayn/Liam, Niall/Golf But I'm a Cheerleader Pairings: Jan/Sinéad, Megan/Graham

5. Story with the most:

Kudos: Lies & Liability (280)

Bookmarks: Lies & Liability (145)

Comments: like cranberries on a winter evening (247 as of now. which. insane!!)

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): I think I'll never be as proud of anything as I am of The Journal. I'm putting this under the cut because it's incredibly personal, but Lynda asked me to finish this fic for her when she first got ill. It was early December and I was still hopeful that the treatment would work and she would get better and be able to finish it herself. Then she got COVID and the aftermath of that really had her health declining more rapidly than any of us expected. She asked me again, to finish her story some time in January I believe, and it hurt so much to think about the fact that she herself felt that she would never be able to do it alone that I put it off again. When I finally came to terms with the fact that she was right, I put off everything else and dove head-first into this fic and made it as much of a love letter as I could.

The fic itself deals with themes of illness, eternal life, reincarnation... And it was my way of telling Lynda that she would be an eternal force in this Universe. I'm more grateful than anything for the fact that I finished it in time for her to still be able to read it. Everything I write is for her, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why): I don't have anything I wrote that I particularly dislike, but maybe A Burnt Child Loves the Fire isn't my best? It's only 100 words though so I guess there's not much about it to either love or hate.

8. Share or describe a favourite review you received: All the comments I got on like cranberries on a winter evening throughout December were absolute magic. I can't thank everyone who read that story enough.

I recently shared the comments @zanniscaramouche left on Lies & Liability and But I’m the Quarterback. They are probably the longest and most thorough comments I've ever received and I love them a lot.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: When it felt like I was running out of time to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends, but I just wanted to do her justice and make the story she'd started the best that it could possibly be. Sus and Tabby were there for me and I'm eternally grateful for that.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: The entirety of across the river is where my heart is. I wrote this for @wordplayfics after I had just painstakingly finished Lies & Liabilty for the ABO fest and I saw the prompt "divide" and sent @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed a voice note rambling about a dystopian girl!direction AU that I desperately wanted to write. Mia told me to relax and that it sounded like a huge fic to write in a week, in response to which I rationalized it down into four 2k scenes and then this happened.

Turns out... I wrote pretty much exactly 8k that week and managed to fit the entire plot into that wordcount. Go me! It's one of my favourite fics I wrote this year!

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: This is very hard to choose. I'll go with this from The Journal and it's one of the flashback scenes that Harry lives through to understand what's going on in his present.

“It can only work if you both are willing to give your life for it,” a man with sharp features says, a barely audible accent to his words, amber eyes scanning Harry and the man next to him. His dark hair is fashionably parted on the side of his head, but Harry feels there is something ancient about him. His suit is cut just like his own, but the fabrics seem different, somehow iridescent. His waist coat is made of finer silk than Harry has seen in these parts of the world, and embroidered in such bright colors that Harry has a hard time keeping himself from reaching out to feel the threads underneath his fingertips and see if they might come away stained.

“To reiterate,” the man next to Harry starts then with a sharp voice. “We’re both willing, but only one of us will actually give his life.” He grabs his hand and Harry’s immediate instinct is to pull away—they are in somebody else’s home after all—but a small caress on top of his thumb reminds him that it’s okay. That this strangely alluring man is here to help them.

“Even if we both have to give it now, we will do it,” Harry hears himself say. And he looks around the room, trying to see if anything about this stands out to him as fraudulent. He can barely make out anything in the faint candle light, but his eyes are drawn to an ancient looking silver brooch on their vis-á-vis’ jacket: a serpent wrapped around an egg.

“No, we will not,” the man to his left tugs on his hand and makes him turn, tries to get him to look up at him. Harry has to remind himself of what he just said. He’s willing to die for this person. He shifts his weight and feels that he’s missing his shoes, socks digging into soft carpet. Right. The stranger had asked them to remove their shoes at the door.

Harry’s breath is almost knocked out of him when he looks up at his lover, when he sees the fire in those steel blue eyes. His delicate, rounded brows are furrowed and his thin lips pressed together, agitated. Harry reaches out, touches his fingers to the side of his man’s face and caresses it gently.

“Yes, we will,” he says, while looking into those furious eyes, withstanding their fire like only he can.

“I see there will be no problem with the willingness of either of you.” There’s an audible smirk in the sorcerer’s voice as he says it. “But I can give you no guarantee that you will return soon after your death, Sir Tomlinson.”

“What we are here for is not a quick fix, Lord Malik,” Sir Tomlinson says then. He visibly has a hard time turning away from Harry, but he does. He looks at Lord Malik. “I want Harry to live a full life before returning to me.”

“Ah,” the sorcerer says knowingly. “But he may live many lives before he finds you. And each will make his task more difficult.”

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: I wrote A LOT this year, for my measures anyway. And as I did that, I realized that my dialogue and pacing improved with each new story.

This year was also the first time I ever published any kind of smut, and going into that was terrifying, but I felt that it was very rewarding in that I had breached a subject that used to be a big, terrifying wall I thought I'd never conquer. I don't think many of my fics will have smut in the future, but it's something that I can now deal with when the story happens to call for it, or if I just feel like it!

13. How do you hope to grow next year: Next year is a terrifying, but exciting prospect for me. I plan to focus more on my career and start a business, so I will definitely have to take a step back from writing, but I hope I can still go on with it despite that. I haven't signed up for any fests or challenges because I don't know if I will be able to keep any deadlines, but I have a few ideas that I want to make reality. I guess my hope for next year is to grow into a writer that doesn't stress so much about writing, but I don't know how attainable that is.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): There are many people that influenced and inspired me this year. The ever-growing and deepening friendships I developed with @lululawrence and @fallinglikethis throughout the year gave me a lot of strength and helped me a lot with the grief I went through.

@so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed was a constant, ever-encouraging and wonderful partner-in-crime. I can't explain how much I needed you this year and how thankful I am to have you.

Having mentioned Mia, I can't gloss over the wonderful, insanely talented @jacaranda-bloom, and everyone else who is a writer on my discord server who has written with me and shared their struggles and achievements.

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: Oof. Always. I think that Harry's struggles with his faith in But I’m the Quarterback were something that I needed to reflect on personally. Obivously, the entirety of The Journal is incredibly personal on all levels.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Write what you want, not what you think others will like. Write because you enjoy it, have fun with it, even if you think it's ridiculous and weird and nobody will want to read it. Not everything has to be literally based in experience, your characters and scenery will always contain enough of you to make anything true to yourself if you allow them to take on the many facettes you have as a writer.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I have another couple bonus chapters of my advent fic like cranberries on a winter evening that I want to write at the beginning of the year and then I have another country fic planned (based on Orville Peck's version of Fancy), even though I don't know if I'll be able to run the @1dcountryfest again next year. I also had a LOT of fun with the advent fic so I might try that again next year. And I have my Bartender WIP from a couple years ago that I haven't touched in a long time. I don't think I'll run out of ideas.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read: I'm super late with this one but I'll tag everyone I've mentioned already as well as @disgruntledkittenface @hazzabeeforlou @cowboylarries @homosociallyyours @lightwoodsmagic @londonfoginacup and anybody else who feels like doing this!

[yeoldontknow]

დ content tag game დ

tagged by the loveliest angel @augustbutwinter to do this fun tag. thank you so much my love! 

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?  - harry potter, muse, merlin, supernatural, doctor who, sherlock

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? - kpop only

3. how long have you been writing? on this blog?  - my first actual fanfic would have been when i was about 8? it was for sailor moon but it was literally only in a journal i had. i presume that counts. so that would put us at 24 years lmao - on this blog specifically, since april 2017

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?  - here and AO3

5. what is your favourite genre to write? - aaaaangst lmao and horror/suspense. i love really dark things, and have always had a fascination in writing things that disturb me? i think its from an analytical or psychological perspective, exploring the limits of humanity and processing for myself why these things make me uncomfortable/where i feel them on my body/what is fear vs disgust idk. also very much enjoy fantasy/supernatural. 

6. are you a pantser or a planner? - almost always i have a plan, however there are some fics that come out of nowhere and i just have to write them. examples of this are enough and love; always

7. one shot or multi-chapter? - i usually try very hard to keep things as a one shot, and reserve series for things that actually have substance enough to extend past 3 chapters. lately, all my ideas have been very plot heavy or come from worlds i am very interested in exploring and/or have aspects of emotion i want to work through. if i cant keep it to a one shot (like...under 30k) i will make it a series and ill be angry at myself lmao

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?  - anywhere from 5-9k is a solid, average chapter length for me. some chapters, in hero for example, need to be more than this because theyre the heavy plot chapters. i have been trying not to focus on lengths anymore, just want to write until the story is told

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?  - the longest story ive ever written is 154k in a different fandom and yes its complete. at the moment, hero is breaching 98k and i imagine it will be my longest when its completed

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?  - when it comes to series, hero and time runner will, and always will be, the most special things ive ever done. i feel at home and myself when im writing them. im in love with writing them. the ideas are so strong, and the characters are so loud and clearly defined it just is the best time making art ive ever had. - for one shots, light sakura was truly catharsis. i needed to write that. its the most personal, vulnerable thing ive ever written and will probably never produce something like that again unless theres another major event in my life. also absolutely adored writing molotov cocktail and empty vessels. those are both the easiest 30k ive ever produced

11. favourite request you’ve have written and why (if any?)  - brooklyn is burning was technically a request and im extremely partial to it

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?  - oh yeah. usually my female characters are working through bad relationships or finding their voices, seeking identity and power in worlds that dont necessarily provide that. i write what i feel and what ive lived, the worlds around the characters are just exaggerations of reality and my imagination. theres always a little piece of me in my stories, and usually that piece comes down to them learning to trust which is something i struggle with

13. current number of wips?  - please i cannot share this number, not when im ashamed of the amount lmao

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? 1. smut is insanely hard for me 2. fluff is almost impossible, and could be considered my weakness. happiness is an external feeling, an outward experience. im a very bodied writer and finding joy or finding small bits of romance is difficult (largely because i live alone) so i will over explain aspects of the idol character or highlight small actions in the effort of holding onto them 3. i am still learning to trust the process

15. a quote you like from a published story.

‘Don’t confuse loyalty with strength,’ you say, as he releases you. You remain still, forehead pressing against the bars to get as close to him as possible. ‘I have no allegiance to you. My silence is not owed to you.’

‘Really?’ he says with disdain. ‘It was given so freely the last two days.’

‘Your ignorance proves you have never truly known a woman,’ you taunt. ‘We are always at war, even if we are silent.’

- from: hero - chapter 3

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

Would it have been easier for you both to survive if you could be a needy, fragile little thing - not ready to die, not ready to leave him on his own?

The night before, Chanyeol held you close, kissed you until your throat felt raw, and made you realize he didn’t want it, didn’t need it. He loved the war in you, handled you like a blade between his fingers, skin unmarred by your sharp edges. He didn’t want it, but you wanted it, at least a little. You wanted him to know there were still traces inside you of the girl you lost.

from: time runner - chapter 7

17. space for you to say something to your readers.

hello beautiful loves. every moment you even click on one of my works an angel gets its wings <3

tagging: @yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @yoonia @kithtaehyung @inkedtae @kookdiaries @kookingtae @xiaokoo @sunshinekims @biaswreckingfics @ditzymax @sugaurora @bangtanhome @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @writtenwhalien @jinpanman @cutechim and anyone else who would like to do this <3 as always please only do so if comfy! 

[yoongsisbae]

Content Tag Game

thank you @inkofyoongi for the tag and also bless you for the Poetica teaser I'm crying already!!! Yoongi and y/n kissing oh my heart.

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)? Harry Potter and Attack on Titan

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? BTS

3. how long have you been writing? Writing online, I wrote HP ff when I was a preteen. Oh god it was horrible, it was a lot of silly meme worthy stuff, but that was half the fun in the HP fandom back in the day, then years later I tried to write one AOT ff and it did not do well lol, I think I maybe got two comments one of them being really mean lol and I gave up and left my story unfinished and moved on from ff (funnily enough I based a scene in one of my HOAL chapters off of it and no complaints so ha!...lol.) Then a friend bought me a dream journal, and I fell back in love with writing again after HOAL 🥰

4. on which platforms do you post your stories? I have a Wattpad and I just created an Ao3 to crosspost.

5. what is your favourite genre to write? Angst, I guess I am just a masochist.

6. are you a pantser or a planner? Well I am definitely not a planner, so I guess I'm a pantser lol. I rather just write the story instead of planning. I vaguely know the endings, the problem is most of my stories start out as dreams, and what usually happens in dreams??? That's right, you wake up BEFORE the ending. So then I have the arduous task of figuring out what else is supposed to happen lol, I feel like if I just write it out it will somehow magically come together in the end, planning is unnecessary stress I don't need lol.

7. one shot or multi-chapter? You know I really admire one shot writers, but I am just not built like that...

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion? I would say as a writer and what I also prefer reading, between 6k and 10k is the sweet spot.

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete? Handshakes of a Lifetime is almost at 55k words 👀 and I would say it's half way done?

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most? I really love writing HOAL, some of the chapters were very therapeutic to write 🥲. During the beginning chapters I was going through a lot of chronic pain and there were long stretches where I was so engrossed I forgot about the pain which if you've ever suffered from chronic illness, is like finding a raft in the middle of the ocean. But also Run Run Run made me hysterically laugh for hours (the visuals in my head are something else man), I already know I am going to have so much fun finishing that story.

11. favourite request you’ve written and why? I don’t take requests, however there have been times when I requested myself to write lol. Instead of word vomiting all over my blog and oversharing to you guys who probably do not want to listen to my ugly problems, I said, hey, why not just take all that pain and channel it into a story instead? Because that's why people follow me after all and I'm a woman of the people lol, and that's how Blue and Grey was written. It's short and simple, and it's one of my favorite stories I've ever written.

12. are there reocurring themes in your stories? Hmmm pain lol, whether it be pleasurable pain or not lol. Again, my stories start out as dreams, so they are pretty random. I do notice there's a lot of “escaping”, that might just be a dream thing idk.

13. current number of wips? HOAL, C!HOC, RRR, BV:ITS, a cross over fandom story I am so excited for and will write before the year is up (I just somehow need to become a smarter writer before then), a cute theme story I want to release on Halloween, 6 angsty one shots for each member (Namjoon's is already written), and an unnamed invasion AU story that I hope will see the light of day, but I have so many questions as to what is going on and have to figure out those answers before I post it (also I don't know know if I should add another ongoing fic and do that to myself lol)

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? I love cliff hangers, they are just so much fun, I truly can't help myself. I also can't help putting a hopeful spin on my writing, even when I think I shouldn't, the story would be more meaningful if I didn't, but I am a hopeless romantic so sue me. And even if my stories are very fantasy driven, I try to be as realistic as possible, especially during smut scenes, I need realism, I don't like writing unrealistic sex, so sorry if it’s not that fantastical sometimes, I try to make it up in story pacing 🥲🥲.

15. a quote you like from a published story. Chapter 4 of HOAL is full of sentences I am proud of lol. "...a storm so final in its answer, it must be controlled by the Grim Reaper himself." and "...rain droplets clash against the ocean, open like umbrellas, and the sea throws back tiny gems of water." I really tried to portray that calm before the storm feeling throughout the chapter.

16. a quote from an unpublished story. Here is a part of the unnamed story, "Namjoon never came back. You take out your phone, pull up Namjoon’s number. You don’t have a pen or pencil, and you’ve never been good at memorization. But this time you have to, you must remember the ten numbers as if your life depended on it, because you’re starting to feel like it might."

17. a space for you to say something to your readers. My dreams had been haunting me for awhile until I finally said, "okay, let me just try, I'll just try to and see if this whole writing thing will work for me." Sometimes you have thoughts that you just need to scream out into the world before they consume you and the fact that people are hearing me, and being moved in even the littlest of ways by my stories lifts the pressure off my shoulders just a bit every day. A lot of my stories are anonymous love letters to people in my life, memories I want to preserve and transform into stories people can enjoy, happy and painful, for better or for worse. So to my readers, thank you for enjoying my stories, for hearing me. ❤️

I tag: @cloudteawrites @bangtangalicious @smasmashin @alpacaparkaseok @deepdarkdelights @btsaudge @koosbabygrl and any other writer who wants to share! 💕

[lightninginabottle0613]

some post-ttlr reflections 🚌💛

typing this from beyond the grave, as you all have killed me/are continuing to kill me with your sweet comments on this epilogue. what are you all doing, why are you all perfect angels. why was my “””epilogue””” the longest goddamn chapter of this story. i have so many questions and not a single answer.

if you are at all interested in some deeply personal ramblings and feelings (tw: depression and mental health and all of that), those are below the cut. i was honestly just looking for a place to dump them all, so i could properly process this whole experience that completely turned my life upside down in a matter of months. but if i learned anything from writing this story, it’s that maybe some people can relate to what i’m feeling! so they’re there - if that’s something that floats your boat.

if not (and you will not offend me, seriously, it’s long lol), then please please please just know one thing - i love every single person who read this story. i can’t believe it’s over and i’m going to miss the fuck out of it, but i’m so happy that i could write something worthy of consumption for a fandom/pairing that is so close to my heart. i sort of felt the whole time like i wished i had waited until it was finished to start posting, instead of updating after i was done each chapter, but looking back - i’m so glad i didn’t. this story was so heavy in so many ways, and every comment and private message made me want to keep writing. so much about this felt like a shared experience and a collaborative effort, even as the author, so i just want to say thank you to anyone who showed it even the slightest amount of attention. i can’t wait to keep writing both for and among such incredible people.

(also, i would be remiss if i didn’t say a special thank u/i love u to @yanak324 and @harrenhollaback. for the emotional support and for gifting me with friendships i never expected when i joined this community. i owe you both more than i can say.)

ok hey! i’ll get right to it - 2019 was the worst year of my life, and i very nearly didn’t survive it.

i’ve struggled with depression for about ten years, to varying degrees. it runs deep in my family, in pretty much every person on my mother’s side, and i didn’t learn that until about four years into my own mental health journey. my entire life, a lot was expected of me - not a super uncommon thing for an eldest child, i think. but as a result of a lot of repression from other people in my family of their own mental illnesses, i was confused by a lot of the heaviness i was feeling, and i thought i needed to handle it the same way, because that was the only example i had.

a lot of my progress was stunted after that, but i did start trying to make some changes when i turned 18. even so, i was doing a lot of the work on my own and in silence, and i still made a lot of decisions based on what i thought i should do, instead of giving myself the space and time to figure out what i actually wanted to do. i think my main focus for so long was just on not feeling sad anymore - because i was still so in the dark about the complexities of depression, and i had no idea how much work it actually takes to undo a lifetime of destructive behaviors and negative thought patterns.

my life was pretty nonstop from 18-24. for six years i dealt with one crisis after another. i was forced to react to all of them in real time, but i wasn’t able to thoroughly process any of them, and it wasn’t until may of 2019 that i realized just how brutal and damaging that pace was. that month was the first time that my life was even remotely calm for the first time in six years, and once my mind had a second to breathe, i realized just how numb it was.

i really, really did not want to be here anymore. i was so far down in the pit (something i’ve been calling it for about five years), that i could barely breathe. i can remember one specific saturday that month where i sat on the floor of my apartment for three hours in silence and didn’t eat a single thing until 6:00 that night. even now as i type this, i’m curbing the urge to call myself dramatic (ha), but i don’t know how else to describe it - other than saying that i quite literally could not function.

as suuuuper dumb and cheesy as this probably sounds, this was all concurrent with the last season of game of thrones and my subsequent discovery of the character of arya (i hadn’t consumed any asoiaf content prior to last year). i was so fascinated by her - i know so many arguments can be made that show!arya was not really her by the end of it, but trust and believe that i have read everything about book!arya that i can get my hands on. i had never seen so much of myself in a character before - both book and show - and i found such a comfort in watching her navigate childhood and deal with trauma and learn how to be vulnerable.

i couldn’t tell you the first fic i found or even how i stumbled across ao3 to begin with. but i can tell you that - not unlike probably anyone reading this, lol - i think i tore through like five stories a day for the entire summer. you know that post that’s like ‘all i did this summer was read fanfiction and cry’ ? hello. LITrully all i did. reading so many different authors’ takes on a character that i connected with so deeply and how she leaned into love/grew from pain/strengthened her convictions was a catharsis i’d never experienced before.

i had a massive upheaval in my personal life toward the end of august that resulted in my living out of a hotel room for five days, and one of those days i blinked and had 6K words of a gendrya fic written. it contained zero of the angst and pain i was feeling, and i still have no idea which deep recess of my brain it came from. it was light and silly, and i had no intention to continue beyond that, honestly. and then the literal first comment i ever got was from someone that said ‘please don’t let this be a one-shot,’ and i suddenly realized i was doing something so harmful (something that’s been a habit of mine for so, so long, but one that fic-writing has forced me to break) - i had found something that i genuinely enjoyed, but i was talking myself out of pursuing it, because my own insecurities were telling me it wouldn’t be worth it.

ttlr was supposed to be similarly light. i’d seen a post on a really long prompt list that was written by someone whose parents actually met in the same way that gendry and arya meet in the story, and i thought it was hilarious and serendipitous and perfect for their canon storyline, which is very much a pseudo-road trip in a way. i wanted arya to have struggles with depression and self-worth, because that’s true to my interpretation of her character, and i knew i wanted to sort of explore her conflicts with catelyn as a bit of a side plot, but nothing could have prepared me for how heavy the story became. the basic gendrya plot remained the same, but the rest of the story strayed so far from the outline i planned out, in the best way.

i really hate to call it self-insertion, because i think that sort of cheapens the messages i started to try to send with each chapter, but almost every non-gendrya detail in the story is something that’s happened to me. 99% of arya’s conversation with catelyn in chapter 10 came from verbatim text messages between my mom and me, that i had to scroll back to in order to reference. i struggled so much with how to characterize ned, because i think he’s sort of difficult to get right since a lot of his canon characterization is learned through memories that other people have of him, but in this story, he is my dad. all of arya’s introspections and bad habits are mine, her conversations with her therapist are mine (adapted accordingly), and her attitude toward romantic love is mine. i do my best to keep a journal, but writing this story all but replaced that for me, for months.

so EVEN AS i slowly started to adjust to what this story was turning into for me personally, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for how it resonated with other people. depression is like a tailored suit. on the outside, it looks like any other suit for any other person, and it has a lot of the same surface-level features. but beyond that, it preys on your specific insecurities and traumas, and no one person’s experience is exactly the same as someone else’s - obviously, because no two people are exactly the same. so when i started getting comments and messages from people saying they felt seen and understood, and that my depiction of mental illness was like a punch in the gut/made them cry/was so true that it was at times hard to read, i knew that there was a reason that my brain wanted me to write this story, beyond my need for my own healing.

one of the best comments i got was from someone who said that in the future, if they ever met someone who said they didn’t understand depression, they were going to show them ttlr. i cried for like half an hour after i read that (like the choking, sobbing kind), because all i ever want to do is educate myself and other people on this really hard stuff, and make people feel like they have the right tools to be empathetic. i know that the story ended on a hopeful note - because there is always hope but it’s also a fiction story (and i would never write an un-hopeful ending for gendrya…miss me with that) - but i also really hoped to convey the idea that she still has work to do.

because i am so far from done, myself. i’m still living in the city i moved to when i thought that all i needed was physical space from my problems, and i’m finally (sort of) at a place where i can take the time i need to figure out where i’m meant to be next. i’m in my last semester of grad school, studying something that i recently learned i hate, because i picked it thinking it was the logical decision, and now it would be stupid to drop out. and i really did have that text conversation with my mother, but that was about nine months ago, and i currently haven’t spoken to her since new year’s day.

i’m also in therapy, and i’m slowly starting to reach back out to some of the people i love, who i’ve shut myself off from for the past eight months. i’m at a job that i kind of hate in a lot of ways, but it also allows me to have one-on-one time with people and help them develop, and that’s super fulfilling. and i have a real hobby now that i previously hadn’t done since before i was a teenager. that’s thanks in large part to arya, but it really comes down to this community of people.

i am fully aware that i’m on the younger side of the people in this fandom, and the last thing i want to do is come off as preachy. but while i have big plans to continue writing for these characters and treating them with the care they deserve, i also do really want to continue to be someone that can make people feel a little bit less alone (through the stories i tell, and beyond that). the entire journey of this story for me was a lesson in how to say what i feel in an unapologetic way, treat even the darkest and saddest parts of myself with the same amount of love that i do the happy parts, and hopefully create a space where people feel like they can do the same thing.

i read something once that said that a member of a family who actively chooses their own healing will go through a period where they become the enemy, because they’ve disrupted the family system. i don’t know that this is true all the time, but i think it’s a really eye-opening way to think about a lot of situations where people find themselves isolated even more for prioritizing their own recovery. it was certainly the case for me, anyway. again, i know that i’m young and i have a lot of life left to live, but (at the risk of sounding ….. dramatic) i have that life to live because i’m making that prioritization. if ttlr, and any other story i write, can serve as the reminder for at least one person that healing is a choice we make and a long road to travel - and based on the comments i’ve gotten, it sounds like it has - then there’s nothing more that i could ask for.

this story is my entire heart and soul. i worried every step of the way about whether i was doing justice to the characters, but i mostly just loved having an outlet for such tough stuff. i’m excited to write more, but i don’t know that anything will ever mean as much to me as this has. so thank you to every person that gave it the time of day (or night lol). writing it genuinely changed my life.

(also as an additional resource, i’m sharing this podcast interview with none other than the hero of winterfell herself. i watched this when it first came out, and i’ve watched it probably 50 times since. if you’ve made it this far in this post - first of all, omg. but also if anything i said struck a chord and you haven’t seen this, it’s a must-watch. she hits the nail on the head perfectly, and she puts so much into words that i was never able to before.)

my messages are always open. i am always free to talk about anything and everything mental health. if you’re struggling, just know that i’m with you and i love you. 💛

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

[weishenbwi]

Title: Nementia Chapter: 1 Group: BTS Characters: Min Yoongi; (Namjoon, Hoseok) Words: 1229 Other formats: AO3 Tags/Warnings: BTS, Yoonseok, SugaMon, Sope, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Atheism, Agnostic, Mental Health Issues, Journal, Existential, PTSD, musings

Summary: AU Yoongi contemplating his life, penning pivotal moments. Depressing. Triggering.

Note:  Nementia: n. the post-distraction effort to recall the reason why you’re feeling particularly anxious or angry or excited, in which you retrace your sequence of thoughts like a kid wandering across the neighborhood gathering the string of a downed kite, which was likely lost in a romantic storm or devoured by that huge carnivorous tree that is Things Your Parents Have Said.

It started age 3. I guess I was a happy child, not sure. Hard to think back and remember it all, the years that have passed until now. 

Maybe there were happy moments. I guess every child has at least some. Moments where the sun feels warmer, the sky brighter, bluer, soft like a dream. Momentary lapses in between bad dreams and nightmares. I guess I was a happy child in a bad dream.

Age 3, illness and surgery

I've blocked out most of my early life, it seems. Hyung asks "Do you remember...?" and I don't. I never do. Motivated forgetting from some form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) probably. I think I've dissociated from bad memories and in the process forgot the good ones too. Is that possible? Some sort of psychological, unconscious act of repression? Maybe. I don't know.

Have you ever noticed the night's glow is both too intense AND overcast when you're down? And it doesn't matter the cycle of the moon or how many stars are visible or the amount of light pollution. Like someone's directing your life and they have to make everything (colors, tones, ambiance, all of it) just right or you'll lose the feeling and be whole again? Sometimes I imagine a demi-god playing with my life and he thinks it's funny when I fall or when my bruises don't heal and it doesn't matter because I'm only human.

I can feel that I'm dissociating and I can't stop it, can't pull it back, can't make myself feel. There's a small pond inside yearning for wholeness, crying for happiness but the ocean rolls with the tide. The ocean is larger. The pond doesn't matter.

Ah age 3. Most kids don't remember specifics of that age and I'm no different. I remember my surgery, my mom crying. My mom being strong and by my side, sneaking me chocolate candies, and feeling spoiled. Relatives coming to visit. A good number of them. My grandparents drove 6 hours and brought with them a stuffed dog I called "Feed Jake" from an old song that played on the radio back then. The lyrics "If I die before I wake, feed Jake." Ironic. Nuns from the orphanage came to visit, brought with them a small stuffed bunny that had pen markings for eyes and was in the shape of a triangle. The kids from the orphanage had made them for those of us in pediatric surgery. I'll never forget it; had both "Feed Jake" and the bunny for the longest time. I thought they were visiting because I was ill and needed surgery. But they were "He might not make it" visits.

Everything else from that time is a blur. Even being wheeled back for surgery. I just remember waking up and stitches itching, wanting desperately to scratch but being aware that it was cause unnecessary pain. My mom's courage and stability. In retrospect, my dad wasn't there. I don't remember seeing him once. Ah, well it goes like that sometimes. I shared a room with another child. He was younger than me and had an older brother. He didn't make it. I think about him sometimes, about his family -how they're doing in their lives all these years later after such a great loss. I guess that's somehow a blessing, if you'll call it that. To realize I might not have been wheeled out of the hospital. My stay could have ended with the sheets being pulled over.

The other day Joonie wrote:

"My friend’s mom asks me what are my hobbies and I never know what to tell her. My hobbies are breathing, feeling the temporarily sustained life force go in and out, wondering in awe at this complex combination that is me. Staring at the sky, whistling, letting silence graze over me and through me; delighting my senses in this silence. Wondering what it would be like if I were ocean, a tree, the earth. This leading to thoughts of how the earth has caretakers and those who abuse her, leading to thoughts of relationships and why people allow the same, to valuing our bodies, minds, our souls; continuing in a march to wondering how to benefit my soul and that of others. Having a desire to make the world a better place, always, wanting to hold everyone and everything with a unified unspoken language of care and undying love. My hobbies are thinking, reading words for this process. Books, quotes, thoughts. Feeling the earth beneath my feet, the hot summer sizzle across my flesh, the wind of volcano breathe down my neck and into my pores. Wondering how I can feel it all and still sometimes feel nothing, emptiness, hollow; the entire spectrum of emotions lit across me in a brilliant array of colors. These are my hobbies. And yet when asked, I say “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” Because this isn’t something I share with everyone and not everyone would understand."

I don't know how he does it. I never shared this with him, but I value the way his mind works, constantly in a multiverse. Deeper than any ocean I've known. He can see the beauty and pain in the world without feeling overwhelmed by either. Or if he does, he keeps it hidden. I wonder... In the past when I felt things more readily, did I feel that way? Was there more to me? Sometimes I'm not part of myself, even my name feels foreign. I'll look at it and think "Is this me? Is that my name?" I'm 24 years old. I should know what my name is and yet it feels distant to me. Like I'm outside of my body looking in.

Ah age 3. I keep meaning to write about it. I'm tired now.

Tired.

Tired.

“I am so tired of waiting.

Aren’t you,

f or the world to become good

and beautiful and kind?

Let us take a knife

and cut the world in two —

and see what worms are eating at the rind.”

― Langston Hughes

Hobi said he only likes the first part and not the part about the knife or cutting the world in two. His brightness makes me soft. When the jagged edges of this world pierce too sharply, his presence acts as a beacon I sometimes forget I need. People say he's sunshine personified. They say we're like night and day, sun and moon. I have no light.

Not sure what he sees in me. Occasionally I'll wonder when he'll leave. It's a matter of when not if. Depending on my mood, I'll either be devastated or indifferent. It's as if my fate was decided and I'm damned because a normal person would feel like the stars had been ripped from the sky at the loss of such brightness, but if I'm dissociating then I won't feel anything. And I love him. He's like my brother, maybe closer. But it's not a switch I can control.

About the quote, I see the point and think two parts aren't enough. I want to sink my hands into the world and find out what went wrong, but I sleep because even if I found out its not like I can change it. Sometimes the only thing we can do is breathe.

[hanzi83]

More Targeted Harassment

How many of these have I done that even start out with how many of these blogs I have done to get stress related shit off my chest and trying to convey it a calm manner no matter how much the employed social media trolls try to fuck with my mental illness more with the litmus of rumors of me having a weapon, which I don’t, stalking women, which I don’t, beating up gay couples in public places, which I don’t. I normally just shrug it off like I have the last few days but then the same fucked up shit goes down with them making their presence known, first by moving my cursor as I type in my personal journal, which isn’t personal because the people in charge are watching everything I do and no one believes it because I am the mentally ill conspiracy theorist from the Howard Stern Show and after perpetuating that image constantly and then getting rid of me when they needed to, they still continue to harass me and because I am outspoken about political issues they try to censor me as much as possible. Even when I was a part of other shows on You Tube like I have written about the last several months, and the anger that exists that I am not coming back and them needing me and even endlessly reporting my Face Book videos, so I have less platforms to talk about stuff, and then sending people to my periscope to fuck with me so I complain while they seemingly do nothing.

I believe these people invite others into their discord or private groups so they are recorded and then blackmailed into loyalty for something. These are just theories, but I have contacted several media outlets to investigate the targeted harassment they do to me and countless of others, either way whoever is doing it is doing it at the behest of people with power who want to fuck with me and the more I type it out I can get comfortable with that but I know to most people who know nothing about this will just think some delusional fat man is in his mother’s basement just having another melt down that you will find amusing because people love train wrecks and then when something happens to that person, they will pat themselves on the back and tell themselves they are good people because they wrote something on twitter about suicide prevention and it is insulting from these people in the industry who will never disclose what helps cause this mental illness get more deeper and disturbing but because any conspiracy gets lumped in with Alex Jones and the right wing which is done by tactful purpose to get the message misconstrued. That is why I keep pointing out that nothing will be done until something actually physically happens to me even though I have put out countless tweets, blogs, videos etc and still no one will take it seriously. I just know these people will profit off it when this becomes official and then act like they gave a shit and then put out a bunch of numbers on social media and pretend they care but then are complicit with moguls who have helped cause this shit. I will always blame Stern. I believe because my name was mentioned and threw him off, he even got my credit card hacked because I found it hilarious that he gets nervous when my name is mentioned and he doesn’t acknowledge other shows that try to imitate his shows and this line right here got at their mind frame because when I typed it out they moved the cursor again. So much for staying off the internet because even when I do, they find ways to torture me more and make me become even more paranoid.

I guess it teaches me not to be vocal about Israel and how people are flipping out about North Korea and were silent about what happened in Gaza and basically these supposed liberals play the Trump game when he said “Both sides were horrible people” shit with neo Nazis and the protestors, but this time the democrats do that with Palestine and Israel. And I guess because these people, especially certain industry types have cliques of employed fan bases and a bunch of other burner accounts they use it to harass certain people and because I have angered a lot of people, they keep upping their game into fucking with me. I have to constantly claim that the rumors about me are not true, but then these same people on social platforms making threads about profiting off my likeness for T-shirts being made, which exist on Amazon through some group called Public Tees or some shit and they know I don’t have resources to track this stuff down.

I can’t go to my friends or family because sometimes I think they have been scared into saying anything. People I know would rather do business with Zionist like and shit on anything really progressive because they think being ignorantly contrarian is the way to go because we don’t have enough of that, which has been normalized in society for the longest fucking time. These same people will talk shit about me in their private group chats and then pretend like they are peaceful with me and have love for me but then dismiss anything about Israel or any other theory like there is something I hit on. I don’t ever trust anyone and I wish I was dead so I never have to see how horribly these people sell their souls. I could be wrong, maybe people have my back but it is seems like it is just me. These people rather have their organized orgies rather than stand up for right, all the people who used to be outspoken politically have sold out and limit their narratives about certain things because they don’t want to rock the boat but they still need to use me and after I take the brunt of the mental abuse from these people in the higher positions, they have all profited off it for their fucking gain and then get uncomfortable whenever I bring up a topic that really takes guts to address. They think acting a fool and being ignorant is the way to go and then call other contrarians who are standing up for good in this world. They don’t ever vocalize their problems with me, they will do that on private podcasts or some shit.

This will anger them and make them fuck with me even more. They have fucked with everything of mine and you pretentious twats who show compassion about mental illness constantly stay silent while people are being bullied into an oblivion, don’t use me for click bait and profit off my fucking name when this eventually exposes itself because if you stood back and said nothing while knowing what has transpired so you can get a pretentious industry cosign, never fucking talk to me again. I mean that shit. None of these people are edgy, because they have designed the PC left to seem like they are the enemies because the democrats are corporately tied to corruption, the corrupted right wing think tanks have their internet trolls act counter culture so the cycle of ignorance continues over and over. People always want to appeal to the cynical and because the right wing has taken over the counter culture aspect online, you automatically think this is the edgy take and it isn’t. That is why they hate me because I expose that these people who take joy in the ignorance love that their side is seen as the edgier side and the side that people want to cater towards.

So just take this as another wasteful blog that will make the Stern Show trolls to put this on their platforms and still continue to attack me and make it seem like it is me under a fake account doing it so I can get my name there in a lame sub reddit that barely breaks 10 quality posts a month and then when I am brought up it catches a little more traction and while it seems harmless but because people are employed to do this, in my opinion, I feel like I need to address it because these people are trying to get me to kill myself from the stress and when people from these other shows have said their goal was to make me kill myself and destroy me but then plays it off like he doesn’t want to do that, it is scary, especially when I have seen this person show and him putting out people’s numbers or acting like he is concerned with someone being held hostage who is doing another show, encourages his people to call the landlord of that place, or calls grieving mothers and does it under the guise of entertainment because everyone wants to do 90’s Stern Show shit. This is where we are at. Even a college kid who has connection to the show and is followed on twitter by Stern Show people like Benjy, Baba Booey or Jason Kaplan, is a part of that clique and pretends to be peaceful and doesn’t partake in this meanness and evil shit but still associates with them. He probably got a good connection into a fancy university or something because he is helping with that dirty work. He is another closeted miserable dude who instead of addressing his issues, decides to get the frustration off his chest by trolling others.

So these people hacked my phone when I was doing my periscope and made the camera blurry for some odd reason and it can’t be fixed but as soon as I blocked that corrupted account, suddenly my phone was malfunctioning and it will continue to because these people are sociopaths who hate me for not wanting to go back to their fucking show. I hope the worst shit happens to these people and anyone who was complicit in not exposing this and waiting for the most opportune time to make money off the story or on your podcast, you are fucking trash. 

[everythingbiggerincanada]

1. What is you middle name? Davis

2. How old are you? 26 turning 27 soon..

3. When is your birthday? Feb 4th

4. What is your zodiac sign? Not sure tbh I was told Aquarius

5. What is your favorite color? Purple

6. What’s your lucky number? Ummm 99 I think

7. Do you have any pets? No but im gonna get a dog

8. Where are you from? Scarborough Canada

9. How tall are you? 5'10/11

10. What shoe size are you? 12

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 8 or 9

12. What was your last dream about? I dont dream but if I do its generally a nightmare. My last one though was about a girl I know and how we were playing cod and I tickled her. But thats super odd for me.

13. What talents do you have? I not sure. I like to game and sing, shoot guns and used to love jumping outta planes until my injury. But I can cook?

14. Are you psychic in any way? Nope

15. Favorite song? Right now its You Broke Me First

16. Favorite movie? I just watched a movie called The Hate U Get. That was incredible I also love Harry Potter

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Who, thats easy, but I keep fucking up good relationships. At least this past year so atm no idea.

18. Do you want children? I thought about it. And honestly not unless my wife did. I would want to be a dad maybe someday but only after I get my wife all to myself for a year lol..

19. Do you want a church wedding? Maybe. Honestly would like my wedding on my family estate

20. Are you religious? Used to be. Now I have a tenous relationship with God.. I used to believe but everytime I needed God he was no where to be found...

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Yeah more times then I could count.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? When I was a kid like 5 I stole a candy bar and got caught. But no police just an ass whooping from hell

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? Yes I have. A few

24. Baths or showers? Both. I like to bath then shower

25. What color socks are you wearing? None atm

26. Have you ever been famous? I guess. Depends on how you define fame..

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? No

28. What type of music do you like? Hip-hop, Rnb, Pop, some rap. Etc

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Yes

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 4

31. What position do you usually sleep in? My side. I like to cuddle and its more comfortable. Hard for me to sleep any other way

32. How big is your house? Its not huge. Its enough for now

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Oatmeal or eggs or bagels!!!

34. Have you ever fired a gun? Yes several and often. I was military

35. Have you ever tried archery? Yes and im no Robin hood

36. Favorite clean word? Eh

37. Favorite swear word? Fuck

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 4 days I think

39. Do you have any scars? Yes several. My biggest one is on my leg. And I got one from being stabbed

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Yes

41. Are you a good liar? No.. It starts eating me away. I get sad after awhile. Its easy to tell

42. Are you a good judge of character? Yes for the most part

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Lol no but I try anyways

44. Do you have a strong accent? I dont think so but some would say yes

45. What is your favorite accent? French

46. What is your personality type? I have no idea. I'm very domineering

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? Umm my suits

48. Can you curl your tongue? Lol kinda?

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Ummm 🤷‍♂️

50. Left or right handed? Right

51. Are you scared of spiders? Not the small ones

52. Favorite food? Chicken 😂

53. Favorite foreign food? Popish

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Messy

55. Most used phrased? Get Fucked

56. Most used word? Umm

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? Not long

58. Do you have much of an ego? Yes

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Depends lol. Ill suck on it if I enjoy it

60. Do you talk to yourself? Yes

61. Do you sing to yourself? Yes

62. Are you a good singer? I've been told yes

63. Biggest Fear? Not being good enough. Not feeling ok

64. Are you a gossip? I tend to talk shit but im learning thats part of my bigger issues im working on 🤷‍♂️

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? The Hate U Got

66. Do you like long or short hair? Both

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? Yed

68. Favorite school subject? History

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Extrovert I think. Well post covid

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? Yes

71. What makes you nervous? Large crowds. And certain ppl

72. Are you scared of the dark? Yes. Im afraid of what I cant see

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Sometimes

74. Are you ticklish? Yes but if you try and tickle me ill probably lose it lol

75. Have you ever started a rumor? Yes

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Yes alot

77. Have you ever drank underage? Yes

78. Have you ever done drugs? No except edibles

79. Who was your first real crush? Shekinah was I wanted to marry her

80. How many piercings do you have? Zero

81. Can you roll your Rs?“ lol not really

82. How fast can you type? Depends on if you want full complete sentences that makes senses or a bunch of bullshit lol..

83. How fast can you run? Pretty fast or i used to be able too

84. What color is your hair? Dark brown

85. What color is your eyes? Brown

86. What are you allergic to? Penicillin

87. Do you keep a journal? Actually I started writing on this site that allows for anonymous "stories" or just a place to express yourself. Its been really helpful. My doctor recommended writing out how I feel could help since I struggle with being honest about my struggles...

88. What do your parents do? My father passed away and my mom is retired

89. Do you like your age? No I feel old

90. What makes you angry? Depends. I dont often get angry but hurting people I care about will do it

91. Do you like your own name? Its ok. I prefer Davis over Connor but its who I am

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? No not really.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? Girl

94. What are you strengths? Leadership, staying calm under pressure, being able to focus when its hard. Honestly their are a few things but right now I feel like I have alot more weakness...

95. What are your weaknesses? That would be way to long of a list and im not sure id want Tumblr to see it

96. How did you get your name? My momma named me after atv show...

97. Were your ancestors royalty? Yes

98. Do you have any scars? Yes several

99. Color of your bedspread? Grey and black

100. Color of your room? Off white

[brokenbutunbowed]

It's weird setting up a doctor's appointment when I'm not on the brink of death or on the verge of jumping off a bridge due to pain. Having a hard time wrapping my head around it and set up the appointment online as fast as possible before the guilt kicked in and stopped me.

This year has thrown a lot of things into perspective and also kinda made me realize that, at the young age of 24, I've kinda ended up with a collection of physical and mental illnesses or injuries like I'm fucking collecting trading cards or something. I mean, I've been mentally ill since at least as far back as middle school (depression, anxiety), in chronic pain and partly disabled for over 3 years due to a few accidents, and not to mention the ovarian cysts and hormone problems that my mom and fucking every male doctor ever *never* took seriously back in high school, that haven't stopped in the six years since I graduated. I've suspected PCOS since high school, due to a lot of other things/symptoms/whatever besides just the cysts, and six years later I'm finally going to see a doctor about it who is going to take me seriously and actually help find out whether that's what my problem is or whether it's something else (though I'm very confident that's what it is...).

Since I'm finally being treated somewhat successfully for my back and hip injuries I've been suffering from since my car accident and then slip and fall accident that happened almost back to back 3 years ago, I finally sat down and thought about it and decided I needed to take care of the rest of me before I aged off my mom's insurance and it was too late. Granted, I haven't been to my chiropractor since I got sick almost six weeks ago, but the leaps and bounds it had on my physical and even mental health in a short time before that... I hadn't been that close to being pain free in years. No doctors or physical therapy or specialists or drugs ever helped the way my chiropractor is. It was my last ditch effort to fix myself before I gave up completely and wasted away in misery.

Having covid thanks to an irresponsible coworker and still not having my body capabilities back five and a half weeks later was the last extra nudge in the ass I needed to start taking my body and health seriously. Self care is something I absolutely do not excel at thanks to growing up in a house where every concern both physical and mental I ever had was brushed off (I mean, my mom thought I was making up mental illness in high school to make my abusive step dad look bad and after that I gave up any hope of ever getting help for that from anyone) so this has been a really nerve wracking choice to finally make.

But yeah... I have always been a bit... Fluffy in the body hair department I guess you could say and instead of listening when I tried to tell my mom and doctors in hs I thought it meant something was wrong, I was pretty much just told I was "ugly and unlucky," which... Well. I still have self esteem, self hatred, and body image issues because of that. Honestly the best part of the pandemic has been mask wearing so that I can hide my face and feel slightly better about myself at work since I can't always keep up with keeping the hair gone. I think that's part of the reason I've come to think of myself more as non binary these last few years, though nobody in real life knows that but my girlfriend. Like, I've never fit the standard "girl" stereotypes anyway, don't look very feminine thanks to this, and don't care for the social construct that gender is to begin with so why not cast the female label away. Between the never ending cysts and the hair, along with the fact that I gained some weight after high school (was very very active in hs them not so much in college) and then a bunch more weight after my accidents because I could no longer physically work out... Yeah, I think pcos is not a hard assumption to make at this point after years and years of this trend.

I dunno. I'm rambling. This is the first time in years I've written anything journal-like on Tumblr. We didn't have home internet for the longest time until the beginning of this year and whenever I did write the last few years I just posted it on my private blog database thing instead of here. But I've been active here again for the better part of this year and this isn't exactly stuff I'd share with family and rl friends on like FB or whatever so I guess here I am. First time ever really written something this long on my phone so if there's weird typos, assume that's my phone changing words on me.

I don't really know why I'm even typing this in the first place but I guess I just needed to get it out somewhere. Buuut it's 2:30 in the morning and tomorrow (today) is my last day until I'm back to work since November (very part time and with very limited activity since I still haven't gained back the muscles covid took from me) which means I should probably try and sleep and at least slightly fix my sleep schedule. My doctor's appt is two weeks from today, was the earliest I could get in but it gives me time to continue processing this idea of help and calming my anxiety so I don't go in there a fucking mess and ruin everything.

[fthisimkmsing]

My notes cause I don't need them anymore (not a hail Mary attempt)

To the girl I've spent countless hours and days with I still love you more than life itself even though I may not need you i want you in my life your cute little smile when you fuck something up or when you can't reach something and you need my help your laugh and smile is euphoric and your character as a whole is amazing i love spending every waking moment with you you have been so helpful and kind to me hell you got me through many tough times and I'm sorry I am so inactive and don't like going out much I'll try to work on that but i just wnant to hold you in my arms forever and keep you close to me and safe you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous you will make a wonderful mother one day to our children or otherwise and I envy whoever you end up choosing if it's not me there's a couple of things i want to do again with you like another concert where it feels like just you and me or another round at the fair itd be wonderful i love you Rebekah so much I hope you know that and I miss you a lot too its 2 am so im gonna go to sleep goodnight  i promise if i have anymore to say ill come back and add on sleep well my beautiful angel <3 funny thing is im typing this to make myself feel better like im talking to you even though you probably won't ever see this i pray that you will find what you need in life you mean so much to me i told my new coworker about you and how gorgeous and smart you are i really wish i could just tell you all of this but you want me to stay away  i really hope we find our happily ever after whether it be together or apart but you will always be so many of my firsts and so many of my fondest memories <3 today I told my new coworker how proud I was of you getting your car and how you bought it yourself i really miss hugging you and cuddling you and seeing your gorgeous ass self you are really amazing and i love you so much I'd die/take a bullet for you in a heartbeat but today i really came to a realization you probably won't like to hear if you get back together with me i realized that even though im a little chubby and should really work out more i am the whole package I will be a great husband and have a great future and whomever decides to come along for that ride would really enjoy it i feel so if you weren't to come back you're missing out on a guaranteed great husband and great future which yes i know confidence much maybe almost downright cocky but I'm happy with what the future holds for me and whomever decides to come with me and if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times i wish it could be you i really do cause despite my being scared of you potentially cheating I have faith and deep down i know you won't cause you are honest and real with me (unless you weren't in which case awwwkwaaarrrdd) but yeah you'd be a great mother and whoever you marry will be lucky and happy they have you and same thing for me :) you know the funniest thing anytime i text anyone and so ok i love you too your name pops up first in my next word choice box cause that's what I did i loved you hell i definitely still do and for some reason if you asked me to marry you there would be no hesitation no i need time to think just one word yes cause that's who i am and that's how head over heels i am for you i want to hug you bad hell I'd give away my paycheck to fucking see and talk to you again and make you fall in love all over again you did something no one and nothing could do you made me truly happy like true true happiness i love you so much Rebekah sleep well baby girl I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow you are the bestest ever forever <3 lol today was my first ever college football tailgate with my church college group in Greenville today was also one of those days I was sad but i wasn't at first i was fine just felt a little out of place but quickly threw myself in and i got away from everyone for a bit and checked snapchat and saw that you finally got your tattoo and I was so happy for you but sad at the same time cause I wanted to be with you maybe get one with you but sadly i missed that milestone

Im sorry for missing your first tattoo I wish i couldve been there for you and with you im so proud of you cause your tattoo couldn't be truer you are coming from nothing and making big strides that's a big accomplishment I love you hell maybe I'll get a tattoo soon you never know i saw the flirting posts that i "liked" so i unfollowed you on everything cause it hurt so much i like instantly started crying and what do they have i don't you are killing me it broke me all over again i did everything I could to make you happy i tried so hard and it feels like you're really not fighting or trying to better yourself it feels like you just want to get with someone else cause I wasn't enough for you my efforts meant nothing today a Sunday night i was with my small group and you "accidentally sent me a video of you showing off your new tattoo the day or so after i removed you from all social media since i found out unfriending doesn't make me disappear on your end so i blocked you sorry but i have to thank you for understanding and being respectful so recently I've really been going after God and it came to my attention that i was wanting you to be something you can't be and weren't designed to be aka i wanted you to satisfy me completely which is impossible only God can do that also i lusted after you so much even though i had so much love for you aswell but my lust being me using you for my benefit aka my happiness and stuff was wrong i should've been more loving aka sacrificial of myself to benefit or help you and I'm so very sorry about that i wish i couldve been a better leader for you sadly for right now at least it seems i am too late hey i just wanted to say even if we don't get back together I'm really glad i met you you were a wonderful first also you'd be proud of me i was gogogo for 17/18 hours from 4:50am to 9:53pm thats kinda insane for me lol I'm so happy today like i feel hella blessed and loved and it's not necessarily from a person i just feel so in touch with God rn i know ur probably like smh but for real im like on fire its awesome but i just wanted to let you know even though you might never see this and if you do its been a hot minute lol but it's not to hurt you it's to show you i guess my self improvement slash progression of life in general i suppose  also just wanted you to know but im sure u already do you are a really beautiful woman and I am saying that cause i can appreciate a beautiful woman you don't have priority anymore but i just wanted to let you know that god bless that was hard to explain but even that is obscure IM NOT HITTING ON YOU IM JUST APPRECIATING GOD'S CRAFTSMANSHIP BAM there we go ok so just looked at pictures of us on my phone and hot damn you fine lol (still appreciating the craftsmanship) hey its been a bit i went on a retreat with fuse and it was amazing i met a lot of guys and girls and am continuing to talk with some of the girls but the more i talk with them the more i miss talking with you i really wish we could at least be friends again but i guess not :( I'm glad I met you Rebekah you were a fantastic first girlfriend I just want you to know im not mad with you i respect your decision wholeheartedly you were great and hell I'll say it I miss you you were really fun to hang with i wish to tell you this but alas I'm here and you're nowhere to be seen in my life and I can almost guarantee you're not as affected and definitely not to the degree I am (it's not so bad for you you have to  journal your experience of life without me) part of my heart is with you and always will be because the sex we had same thing with you part of your heart will always be with me and im sorry for that today i thought about you and when you told me that you imagined us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and it kinda made me think and i was like you probably gonna come back and I hope you do but if you don't that's highly unfortunate  it's felt like months since we saw eachother last but it's only been like 1 and a half  longest month of my life tbh

Its 9/23/19 I'm gonna talk to your mom tomorrow after i get off work to check up on how everyone is doing you will probably hear a little or everything that's going on with me it may not attract you in fact it's very possible it'll repel you but hey it really doesn't matter you're an awesome girl and I'm a pretty cool dude lol if you decide to go separate ways that is your choice and I'll respect it even if it saddens me because I'm moving forward  which is something else I never thought I'd be where i am today this early but I hope you you do come back you did make my life happier but now I'm happy even without you which is awesome I swear to never rely on you for my happiness I will look more towards the Lord and walk towards him with you by my side and no more big mistakes oh btw I talked with your mom and I'm glad I did your mom is a good mom I really miss you and your family and I keep praying for you guys and for clarity of who I'm meant to be with or if im not supposed to be with you at all and last night I dreamed about you so I think that was God telling me i need to be with you but I don't know I want to be with you don't het me wrong but I don't want to misinterpret my dreams it's now 9/27/19 and it hurt me to hear you were dating someone tbh but I'm glad you are getting out there and I'm happy for you regarding how well you are doing at church what I don't think is good is that you're dating someone that doesn't know the lord he has someone for you that knows and loves him thus you shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion but as i said I just want the best for you

" we do bible shit"

[tinygxrilla]

for the Get To Know Me Meme: all of THEMMMMMM

1. What is you middle name?Rose! :>
2. How old are you?15
3. When is your birthday?December 9th
4. What is your zodiac sign?Sagittariusssss
5. What is your favorite color?YELLOOOOWWW!!!!
6. What’s your lucky number?4 or 16
7. Do you have any pets?Yep- my golden doodle Cooper who is ADORABLE
8. Where are you from?I shall not disclose this information but a small town in the US!
9. How tall are you?5'2" I think
10. What shoe size are you?7
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?2, one pair of boots and a kind of new pair of navy blue converse
12. What was your last dream about?Lol it was about a noose in my grandmas house o-o
13. What talents do you have?I like to draw! That’s it haha
14. Are you psychic in any way?Nerp
15. Favorite song?HM well the most important songs to me are:Cigarette Daydreams - Cage the elephantMr. Blue Sky - ELOBrave as a Noun - AJJ
16. Favorite movie?Swiss Army Man and moonrise kingdom :o)
17. Who would be your ideal partner?Someone very loyal, awkward, and loud (to contrast my shyness), and someone who is a good listener!!
18. Do you want children?YES!!!!
19. Do you want a church wedding?I think so, but I donno
20. Are you religious?Not religious exactly, I was raised as an atheist but I prey to a god
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?I’ve been to the hospital like 100000 times this month, but I’ve very luckily never been put in the hospital!
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?Noooope
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?No, that would be awkward as hell though so that’s ok
24. Baths or showers?Both!!
25. What color socks are you wearing?Purple and white with silver stripes, and my other one is plain white
26. Have you ever been famous?Hahaha no
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?NaH
28. What type of music do you like?
I like classic punk, rock, alternative, and folk punk =]29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?NoPe I can’t do that I’d cry
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?1
31. What position do you usually sleep in?Just on my side, kind of in a ball?
32. How big is your house?I live in a condo, so relatively small? The basements finished though so not SMALL small??
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?Usually during school I don’t eat breakfast, otherwise I get a frozen coffee from Dunkin donuts or I eat toast
34. Have you ever fired a gun?NAaaAhh
35. Have you ever tried archery?In school we’ve done archery :D it’s fun but I suck
36. Favorite clean word?HaloOooo
37. Favorite swear word?Fuck or whore (not in like a slut shaming way lol) would be my main picks
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?2 days?? Probably? I’ve gone longer with like little sleep but I don’t think I could last longer with no sleep
39. Do you have any scars?Yee yee
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?I’m not cool enough for that shit man B(
41. Are you a good liar?I don’t lie a lot sooooo,,, maybe?
42. Are you a good judge of character?Probably not haha, I interpret everything in the worst possible way
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?NoPe I suck at accents
44. Do you have a strong accent?Nope
45. What is your favorite accent?Boston accent
46. What is your personality type?INFP-T :>
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?Probably one of my sweaters from Urban Outfitters cause DANG those are $$$$
48. Can you curl your tongue?No :,(
49. Are you an innie or an outie?InniE bish
50. Left or right handed?right
51. Are you scared of spiders?Only stink bugs but if there’s one close to me while I’m in my household yes I’m terrified, also I hate when they’re in my shower it’s terrible
52. Favorite food?Pasta or mashed potatoes B}
53. Favorite foreign food?Americanized Chinese food lol
54. Are you a clean or messy person?MesSy
55. Most used phrased?I love you you’re the best for some odd reason
56. Most used word?Like
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?hOUrs upOn hours cause I take long showers
58. Do you have much of an ego?NaH
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?Suck ););;);))
60. Do you talk to yourself?Kind of?? In my head 24/7 I do and sometimes I do out loud when I’m alone
61. Do you sing to yourself?Ya, but not in like a serious way
62. Are you a good singer?Most definitely not
63. Biggest Fear?People not liking me
64. Are you a gossip?I hate to admit it but yes definitely (only to really close friends and family though I don’t go spreading things)
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?I’m not sure actually, I don’t watch a lot of movies or know what qualify as a dramatic one
66. Do you like long or short hair?Both!
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?This is terrible because I live there but I don’t think I can O-O
68. Favorite school subject?ART!
69. Extrovert or Introvert?Introvert, but if I’m not around people for too long I always feel like they don’t like me so I don’t love being alone for too long
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?No but that sounds awesome!!
71. What makes you nervous?The WOrLd, I hate interacting with people, even friends uKh
72. Are you scared of the dark?Ya, one time I though my dad was gonna sneak in my house and murder me because I was tired and very delusional and it was very dark and I was aFrAiD
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?Sometimes because I’m very annoying and irritable
74. Are you ticklish?YeS dear god
75. Have you ever started a rumor?No I ain’t startin shit
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?I don’t think so
77. Have you ever drank underage?NoO
78. Have you ever done drugs?NoOooo
79. Who was your first real crush?I don’t think I’ve had one prey for me, maybe on my gay friend?? But I think I was just excited that I befriended a boy??
80. How many piercings do you have?None, I had my ears pierced once but they got infected so I let them close back up
81. Can you roll your Rs?“No ;(
82. How fast can you type?SuPPa fAsT
83. How fast can you run?Kinda fast for really short periods of time because ur girl has bad asthma
84. What color is your hair?BrowN
85. What color is your eyes?BroWn
86. What are you allergic to?Kittens :,,,,,( also seasonal allergies
87. Do you keep a journal?I did but it made me sad lol
88. What do your parents do?My dad like puts prices on houses and my mom wants to work at JJILL but she’s unemployed and a very hard working single mother
89. Do you like your age?Other people my age? No. Being my age? Yes definitely, perfect time to be a kid but also be a bit mature
90. What makes you angry?EVERYTHING OH MY GOSH;-people who lie-people who romanticize mental illness-people who post online about other people-people who don’t understand mental illness-people who joke about wanting to kill them self
91. Do you like your own name?Not Amanda really but I like Mandy!
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?I really like the name Sally and Eileen but I don’t know about boys names
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?Either would be great but as of now I think it would be nice to have a lil lady
94. What are you strengths?I’m very loyal I think
95. What are your weaknesses?Shy, awkward, nervous, and also physically weak lol
96. How did you get your name?My mom or my Grammy (it’s a debate) just liked it
97. Were your ancestors royalty?NoPe
98. Do you have any scars?This was already a question! Ha HA
99. Color of your bedspread?I just got a white one with pickles on it from Ikea OuO
100. Color of your room?Like a cool grey color

AYYY I’m done!! Thank you for asking because it’s very obvious I love to talk about myself, also I’m assuming nobody read this but that’s ok cause it was lots of fun

[i-amusemyself]

All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! 😄😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

[gizzwhizz]

1, 5, 6, 8 and 9 for the FanFiction Questions~!

So many! lol

1: I have literally found old notebooks of stories from like third grade or before. It started off with some digimon/pokemon stuff and a few X-Files stories. The first time I wrote anything for someone else to see, though, was on ye olde fanfiction.net and I think I was 12 maybe? And ever since then, even in the years where I disappeared from online, I have journals upon journals of half started ideas so it’s been a pretty constant stream of writing over the years.

5. Okay, this is gonna sound corny, I know, but I think Shadows Will Scream wins by a landslide. For so many reasons. It’s the longest project I’ve ever written. It’s definitely the one with the highest skill level (being the most recent). I’m blown away by the response to it and the constant support and actual community of people that has sprouted up around it. I’m constantly stumbling across posts here and on facebook where it’s being recommended to other people and my little heart just doesn’t know what to do with that. And beyond that I think it’s maybe the most important story I’ve written. Not to toot my own horn, but tackling themes of mental illness, sexual orientation, and the whole rainbow of different relationship dynamics between people has been so rewarding. I’ve had so many people tell me how important it was that they felt represented in my work and even helped by it and that is just the best thing in the world to hear.

6. Since it says “character of yours” imma go with an OC on this one. Freya, hands down. She grew to be so much more than what I started with, which was just an npc doctor that I needed. She totally took on a life of her own, WITHOUT MY PERMISSION I might add. And it’s because of her that I felt confident enough to introduce and flesh out my other OC’s in Shadows Will Scream. Sometimes people get all touchy about OC’s and dislike them purely because they’re OC’s so it’s hard to have the confidence to put them in there, but if they further the story then I don’t see the problem. So yeah, Team Freya Forever lol (If you want a canon character, it’s a toss up between Prompto and Iggy. Prompto because, well, hell, I wouldn’t have written 130k+ words and counting from his POV if I didn’t love him. On the other hand, I’m actually really enjoying writing from Blind Iggy’s perspective in my Pulcher stories because it challenges me to rely on other senses to describe the environment/what other characters are doing.)

8. Okay, I’ll go canon with this one. Gladio. Episode Gladio helped out a bit, but otherwise he is the least fleshed out in the game by far, in my opinion anyway. I have spent HOURS researching for Shadows Will Scream and I have so much info on Prompto and Ignis and Noct but Gladio...he’s the Shield and the son of the King’s Shield and he likes Cup Noodles and that’s really kinda all she wrote. And even in other fanfics I still see him largely portrayed as this meathead stereotype more often than not. It’s like nobody quiet knows what to do with this guy. I have a lot planned to let him shine in Altissia but it’s not going to be any easier to write than any of the rest of it. I’m still trying to fill in all the nooks and crannies of his head, whereas by comparison I feel like I know what makes everybody else tick.

9.Haha, well actually, I honestly listen to the Spotify playlist while writing, at least for Shadows Will Scream. For other stories, I tend to get a lot of influence from music so if there’s a particular song that made me think up a certain scene, I’ll probably throw that one on repeat while I write that part. Music is actually a huge part of my writing process which is actually kinda strange because it has to be quiet otherwise. I can’t have the TV on or people talking around me or anything while I’m writing, but music is okay.

[ittakesrain]

I can’t figure out my moods/ emotions/ anything involving self-awareness...or can I?  Seriously, someone tell me which.

I discovered the word “alexithymia” like, ten years ago with my friend Meg at the Barnes and Noble between our houses.

For the longest time, she was the only person I knew in the real world (not from treatment) who struggled with mental illness like I did.  We connected immediately, skipping most of the normal pleasantries required of new friendships and got right into the deeper, and usually darker, stuff.  We talked for hours about the ins and outs of anorexia and bulimia, the nitty-gritty of what went on in our eating disordered lives. We talked about how, as a result of crashing into the brick wall of mental illnesses so intensely we were completely flattened by it, we nearly had our lives stolen from us.  We talked about what we survived. What we were still surviving.

Anyway, I digress.  In the middle of what was a time of great self-discovery, exploration, and reflection, we came across the word “alexithymia.”  I don’t know what we were looking up to stumble upon it, or what we were even talking about specifically. But we were sitting in the bookstore (our favorite meeting spot and general happy place) when we tried the word out in our mouths and tested the meaning in our minds, and we had to stop and think about it.

It’s apparently the inability to identify and articulate your emotions to other people.  It’s like an actual thing, and neither of us actually have it, but after getting together nearly every day for an entire summer discuss our struggles as philosophically and knowledgeably as teenagers could, I guess we’d somehow been halted.

Again, we shouldn’t really be described as really having it, but I’m trying to make a point and citing this memory is the best entrance into it I could come up with.  So yeah, let’s get to my point.

Meg and I both felt suuuuuper self-aware.  We figured out why we did what we did and had lengthy conversations dissecting our actions.  We were honest with ourselves and each other. The typically elusive reasons for engaging in eating disordered behaviors suddenly seemed so obvious to us.  Looking back, we were a little conceited in our thinking that if a person had no insight into what they were doing, they’d better get their shit together and quick.  Like, calm down young Laura and Meg.

That still isn’t my point.  But this next sentence is, I promise you.

Even though we “had awareness of our character, feelings, motives, and desires,” we were also still fucking clueless.  I guess it’s one of those things where there’s always more to learn?

I don’t know, but the reason I’m thinking about that one random situation so intensely right now is that I’ve been sucking at talking about my actual feelings lately.  I’ve always felt like I was so great at getting myself.  But do I actually get myself?

Spoiler: I don’t.

I dunnooooo, maybe I used to be good at it but stopped being good at it for some reason.  If I was self-aware I’d probably know the reason. But I’m not. I don’t think? Fuck, this is confusing.

(Sidenote, I legit just googles “self-awareness test” and tried to complete it and it only proved to me that I have some emotional and mental sorting out to do)

I was diagnosed bipolar around the time Meg and I spent that summer in that bookstore.  And ten years later, I’m literally sitting right here in that same store typing a long-winded analysis of what I thought I was so good at when I was 18.

The problem I’m facing right now is that I’ve been all over the place with my moods for so damn long and I think I’m just sick of trying to figure them out.  It requires a lot of effort. I mean, I know when I’m crippled with depression. And I know when I’m irritable and agitated and violent, when I’m in a Hulk-like bipolar rage.  I know when I’m flying high, riding on the adrenaline from too much energy in too small a space. I have apps on my phone that track the mood fluctuations, my symptoms, when I take my meds, and the like.  I journal pretty obsessively. I do it all and I thought it was enough.

Maybe I’m confused about what I’m confused about.  ‘Cause my therapist always asks for me to describe how I feel and I can’t do it.  And I just had a psychiatrist appointment where I babbled for 20 minutes without saying anything productive or useful.  Can I just not describe this shit under the pressure of someone watching me? I’m tryinggggg. A while back I made a list of emotion words for me to use when I need to come up with a word for what I’m feeling.  I haven’t really referenced the list. But still. I have a scale I made up, a 0-10 rating scale that I use to conceptualize how I’m feeling. The problem with that is that my moods change over the course of the day.  Oh, and a while ago I realized that what I feel as mood fluctuations might really be my anxiety going up and down. And all of that could be situational. And maybe it’s just a normal thing that normal people feel on a normal bunch of days.  Not everyone is happy all the time. Ahhhhhh. And maybe what I’m feeling now is just NOT MANIC and NOT DEPRESSED and I’m not fuckin’ used to it.

I was so fricken excited about June and July.  I kept telling everyone how great it was to have nearly two months of stability.  It wasn’t too great. Meaning it wasn’t painfully great, precariously great. It was just stable.

Or was I actually manic?  Because there’s a marked difference between what I feel now and what I was feeling then.

It’s a constant struggle to determine what the truth of the situation is.  I wrote in a poem the other day that I can’t tell the difference between what’s reality and what’s “overdramatic, over-imagined hyperbole.”  Good line, if I do say so myself. But seriously.

I have nothing to measure my life against.  I’ve only ever existed the way I exist. I have nothing to compare it to as a test.  I have no control group in this scientific experiment. All I have is my bewildering take on things.

Alright, this is one of those posts that don’t necessarily help me solve the problem.  It’s probably a start, though. To be thinking in this way and at least trying.  I’m gonna keep journaling, keep doing what I tried to do here.  And I’m gonna make those journal entries more than what they normally are (to-do lists and random shit I did that day).  Gotta get back to that self-aware life.

Wish me luck.