#suddenly i dont want to live anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

welveteen · 4 months

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My dad found my IG account 😬

#suddenly i dont want to live anymore #i know it is such childish issue #and ist ridiculous because i am an adult #but i genuinely feel so unsafe right now #i vent soo much trough my art #about shit i don't want him knowing #and i did my best to stay hidden #but it wasn't enough #i so upset right now #i was already having a rough time mentally #im going to pass out #personal #vent #cw vent

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teabutmakeitazure · 2 months

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told my mom I don't feel like her daughter or blood because of the way she treats my cousin and she told me I'm being ridiculous and petty

#vent #mom tells everyone that (insert cousin name) is her daughter and that she treats her like such and is always talking praises about her #but whenever she talks about me somewhere its always complaints #that i dont take care of her and dont spend time with her and only gove her stress #a few days ago she told everyone that i dont do (insert name of thing that i explicitly do every single day for her) for her and that she's #-unlucky for having a daughter like me whereas my aunt (who she was talking to) is lucky to have such amazing 3 daughters #and then when she sings praises of my cousin (not this aunts daughter) its always everything good #and even when this cousin is staying at our place with her 3 kids uninvited my mom treats her better than me #and when i point that that im suddenly being ridiculous and petty #it hurts worse because this monthly cycle im having 2 depression weeks from the looks of it and it currently a depression week #guess mom will be happy when im gone next month #she can spend all the time she wants with said cousin #for context my mom is cousin's aunt and she kind of raised her and her brother for a couple of years since their mom died when they were-#-little #and my mom keep saying she pities her for her moms death even tho she lives a happier life than us #you cant miss a relationship you never knew so ofc shes fine #i cant belive a 4 year bond is stronger than blood for my mom. guess ill get back to work then #maybe coding is dae wae #zuri rambles #edit: i just cleaned the entire apartment. broomed and mopped all the floors. did the beds and bedsheets. put everything back in place. did #-the dishes and rn mom's outside singing cousin's praises because she made tea for us during breakfast #god when will august come i cant take this anymore

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bunnihearted · 6 months

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im the one society marked as avoidant yet im always the only one who wanna fucking talk things thru. y'all are a fkn joke!!! im sry but u rlly are 💀 im the avoidant one. the one scared of conflict nd afraid of talking.... yet im always the one staying and begging to talk while the other one just leaves or is a wall nd refuses to talk abt it 😹😹😹😹😹

#im sick nd tired of it #sooooo many ppl say they wanna talk #nd blah blah fucking blah #it's never ever true #!!!!! im so sick of ppl jesus fucking christ #im sick of society telling ME im the sick one the distubed one #im the one w a personality #w a personality disorder lmao***#yet every one else are x100000 more avoidant than me #it's a joke!!!!!! absolutely fucking ridiculous #i barely have patience w ppl anymore bc all they do is blah blah blah but 1% of what they say is actually true #yeah yeah blah blah you're just wasting air atp maybe just stfu #dont say things u cant stand for #god im so fucking angry like????? why is it so hard for y'all to fucking TALK. say what u mean!! say what u wanna!!!!#talk things our instead of running away like a dumb fkn coward everytime smth gets a bit tough #or it's more like everyone have these extremely high nd uttainable expectations nd demands of u #nd if u dont live up to them suddenly you're trash nd they dont even want to talk abt things #bc you're not the perfect little thing they made up in their head #ugh fucking yikes people are so incredibly infuriating #i wish i could just find my ONE person nd then just go off nd be w them nd not bother w everyone else jfc #ok i obvi cant speelll when im angry whatever

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ratmans-notebooks · 7 months

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i have to stop looking at blogs with vile takes im getting so worked up for nothing

#squeaking #'actually its okay for trans men to be excluded from trans spaces because women dont have to like men!!" Huh .#your gender essentialism is not better just cause u specified “trans” before talking about Men and Women #“trans women dont like men and also femicide is a word so therefore trans men should not be allowed around transfems ever”#is not the radically progressive take u think it is #truly incomprehensible to me the kind of shit people will come up with.#What are you talking about. do you live on Every trans person perfectly passes with no obstacles or pushback by cis people Planet ??#1. actually all trans people deserve to share space in the trans coimmunity. so jot that down.#2. there are transmasc girls + transfem boys + bigender people + NONBINARY people HELLO like how are we defining Men?#how are you deciding which trans people are Too Masculine and which of us are Just Masculine Enough answer quickly #3. do you REALLY think transmascs are just excluded from any experiences with misogyny. think real carefully now.#is the expectation from my parents to get pregnant suddenly Not Misogyny since i identify as ftm?#do the constant reminders that i would never be good at physical activities due to Being a Girl when i was 10 not count anymore-#-because at 15 i realized i wanted to have a cock?#be fucking serious.#there is this constant idea that trans men automatically gain all access to cis maleness #and face NO oppression for their proximity to/or percieved womanhood #(like. ur really gonna look a 5'2 teenager with birthing hips and b cups and a round face and a high voice he has Male Privelege.)#and it leads to us being pushed out of both womens AND trans spaces #it is a lose lose for us. everywhere #it is starting to get fucking exhausting #transandrophobia #negative

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petz5 · 1 year

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hello petz5 nation i am once again on the verge of tears bc of akane tendo

#everyone has all these expectations for ranma and an image in their mind of who they want him to be #like genma wants him to be the best martial artist ever and soun wants him to inherit the dojo and shampoo wants her trophy husband #ukyo wants someone to watch the kids while she runs her shop. nodoka wants him to be the Manliest Man To Ever Man #akanes the only one who actually asks what he wants and sees him for who he is #i mean ranma himself cant even do that bc he thought his life was Over in the moxibustion arc #and was so shocked when akane said he didnt need to be any of those things and she likes him bc he’s ranma #also i dont think ranmas ever been asked what he wants before. its always been what his dad wants. it must have been wild to suddenly be #w someone who values hearing ur thoughts and opinions #its sad when nodoka makes him move out of the tendos house not just bc he cant live w his fiancee anymore but bc the stability and comfort #of having a real family was gone #ANYWAY. akane tendo is the best character in the series she is so sweet #i hope this doesnt sound like shes the Mom Friend comforting Poor Baby Ranma bc i prommy ranma cares abt what she wants and actively seeks #her input even if they totally disagree on something #theyre a TEAM they support and look out for each other even if they bicker constantly #something something akanes line ‘you save me i save you. thats how itll always be’

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g0thsoojin · 1 month

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📓🦇

#honestlyyyu #life without him is so boring....#idk... just imagining my life without him makes me feel bored lol #i want to be with him i think ...#but it is difficult bc we live on two different continents #and relationships between nations are difficult bc you're not allowed to just move anywhere lol #idk how it could work #plus ... also he's 20+ years older than me.. to me it isnt an issue more than #1) he wont live as long as me (if we both die of old age that is lol)#2) everyone are very judgemental and even if both of us mainly want to just have us and not any social circles #it will be hard.. and how am i supposed to tell my mom....?#the thing with that is hard because of my avpd.. im not normal #i never will be. even if i like met a guy my age now in school and we started dating i wouldnt want to tell me my mom #i cant explain how i feel to normal ppl but yeah... im just someone who wants to live isolated to myself #i dont want to be like yeah hi mom heres my bf who i fuck and love and now lets go for family dinner woooop #idk ... i could never. i just cannot do that normal life.#so then its like.. it isnt purely bc im 'ashamed' of him and the age gap #im just someone who feels shame about everything.... so i wouldnt wanna tell my mom anyway #but then it feels like im 'betraying' her. if i move away to another country to be happy on my own #and she wont even ever get to meet my bf or hear abt him... i'll get married (bc of convenience) and she wont know #that feels bad.. like im hurting her. but i know in my heart that even if i met a bf my own age here #i would NEVER want a wedding. my avpd.. im not a normal functioning person.. i'd want just me and the other person there. not infront of my #family... idk i just cant do normal life things..#maybe sometimes i dream abt having a few friends and being cared for. but that is a DREAM #theres no way of knowing if i'd ever find ppl like that. im also very different and cant connect to basically anyone i meet fkn EVER!!!!!#he's the only one i've ever met that im this compatible with.. and he is real. and i know him. should i let go of him just for ppl i havent #even met? who i might never even meet? bc yeah the thing is that with him we wouldnt have a conventional life. it'd be just us #and thats not really a bad thing. its just that w my avpd i never know what i really want bc i want smth but when it gets real #and i can actually have it suddenly i dont anymore. and i want the other thing i didnt want before...#so i have sm fears.. what if i choose him but then will never get that comfortable job in a cozy school and my own apartment

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moreclaypigeons · 1 year

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I am soooo bad at transitional times of life. High school graduation ? More like, fuck,

#sierra speaks #half my friends are moving away for college...#and im working all summer #and some of my teachers are leaving the school not that I'll be there anymore #leaving behind juniors who I'll miss #not knowing what yearbooks gonna do...#not getting to do as much w art club as i wanted to #its like high school is hell and it feels like it lasts forever but suddenly its just gone and there wasnt enough time #i know i know theres life after it yeah #but i...#it's still a change and its sad #my best friends family is moving out of state too #shes coming back and will live in dorms nearby me but still it's...#and i have to learn to drive...#even though i dont want toooooooo #like i do cause im a big kid now but like #no one prepared me for the emotional damage that growing up was gonna do and i havent even like done the risky heartbreak shit #anyways thats ur daily dose of sierra questioning life #maybe tmrw I'll journal instead of writing in the tags of mt ow posts NFJSFBDJ

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thebirdandhersong · 1 year

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#as a side note i had a moment of horrid irony when i thought suddenly that I WISHED mr knight were there #because he was at the vigil last year and used to be a part of my church. and i suddenly missed all my old housemates #who were here last year! went to hug people during the peace and a good friend asked if i was okay #i was like 😭😭😭😭 not really and then turned around and SAW the boy and was like well this is a twist in the plot i truly dont care for #anyway all's well i just cried buckets more my heart's been wrung OUT #he lives fae away. he was not supposed to come. anyway he did and i shook his hand formally because he offered to (???)#*far away #it was totally bizarre #he did not stay for long which. thank God. i wouldve been so much more tired if he had #but he wished me happy birthday which irked me because we'd had an unspoken agreement to not wish each other happy birthday (for fear of #mixed signals) which. happened i guess #it was INCREDIBLY bizarre. the safest ive ever felt in my life was when he was holding me #and now he's a familiar stranger i know too well whom i dont WANT to know #anyway it has been a heartwrenching and soul draining Lent and past six months or more and i was ready to cry #and so i did. bawled like a baby after certain readings and songs. cried and cried and cried #re: reasons for that concerning the ex boyfriend: it is SO weird and i dont know how to deal with it #like. i still have so much love that it feels like grief and the grief bleeds into that love too #but that love isnt for HIM anymore or at least not the person i found he was. so now it really does have nowhere to go #ANYHOW IT'S LATE BUT THE POINT IS. HE IS RISEN AND THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS #THAN SEEING YOUR EX BOYFRIEND AT CHURCH AND BEING LIKE ?????? HUH????????

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orcelito · 7 months

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I think I just want to have a calm and gentle life. I want to get things together. I want to not have too much stress. I want to spend time with people I love, doing things that I enjoy. What's the point of being miserable? There is none. I've had more than enough misery to last a lifetime.

#speculation nation #i have to live as long and healthy of a life as possible for my sister and her eventual kids and for the memory of my father #i have to keep myself from being the level of disorganized that my grandparents were.#throwing things out if they have no more use to me. If They Dont Spark Joy so to speak.#ive been feeling awfully fragile lately. half the foundation of my life lit up in flames so suddenly.#and ive been... scrounging through the ashes. trying to put things in order.#for the love of fucking god ive had enough of suffering in my life.#i want to become the best version of myself. i dont want to suffer needlessly anymore.

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swordmaid · 5 months

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really do like shri'iia being an oath of the crown paladin when she was still in menzoberranzan meaning that she very much upheld the terror and status quo lolth enforced over her drows. she was kind of an inquisitor in a way, or a crusader, and she hunted down anyone who didnt want to follow lolth. she was very much a part of the people who enforced that fear and paranoia lolth particularly likes, more so as she was kept in the shadow so she just instills dread on others without them knowing. her name is supposed to mean 'silent chaos' btw and she did just that. but then the script flips and now suddenly she's one being hunted. the worst part is shri'iia never understood why anyone would want to defy lolth before, but now that she's seen the other side and she's seen the potential that they were robbed from, that's when she understands why even though they were raised in the dark, some still yearned to see the sun. that's when she understands why her own mother was willing to throw everything away and be an outcast so she's not under lolth's gaze anymore, and i don't think shri'iia regrets what she has done when she was still following lolth - more so that she regrets and scorns that she never knew there were other options besides lolth, and it's possible to live without that constant fear and dread that comes with serving the spider queen.

#honestly becoming an eilistraee paladin fits shri'iia's route sm except that i dont think she wants to serve any gods or goddesses anymore #like she knows full well the depths of her own devotion and how it will lead to her own ruin #and she knows herself enough that she doesn't do things by halves lol. it's all or nothing for her #but man mmm i really like the concept of shri'iia being this kind of person who used to hunt down anyone who tried to escape lolth #/or worshipped anyone else than lolth. then when she gets forsaken she's suddenly thrown on the opposite pov #now shes the one who's hunted down like a dog. she's the one who's running for their lives to taste the sun that was stolen away from them #and now she's understanding why they'd risk everything for it. so now her story goes like does she keep running or does she turn back #you know .. i really like that possibility for her of regressing and turning back even though she's seen and tasted what freedom is like #bc she wants that certainty again. and there's a strange comfort in being in that hostile environment bc that's all she knew before u know #which is the more tragic end for her but it is possible and i want to do that route someday (its basically where she reclaims her oath agai #lol) but every time i think about it i get sad for her 😭😭😭😭 like you deserve to be out of the cult u were born in baby girl..!!!#shut up about bg3.

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skunkg1rll · 5 months

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🦨💭

#even if idk what's going on #it FEELS like i've lost him as a friend. even if he said that like oh you're my friend or whatever. it doesnt feel like it #we havent talked as often lately (not my choice........) anyway and now .. bruh this last week has been AWFUL.#now idek if and how we will talk. like i feel like he doesnt want me annoying him. so i cant even use sending pics of my cat or asking him #random things as an excuse to talk because like... i feel awkward #i've gone from feeling 90% comfortable with him to like 10% lmaoooo #i just feel like he is bothered by me and that i annoy him and i feel stupid and awkward talking to him #so like.....now when idek if we are friends or how we talk #i cant suddenly be like hiiiiii the rain reminded me of you hiihihihihi #not talking to him even a little makes me miserable #but he isnt replying and i dont know what is going on with any of it with him and me so idk #also ://#i cant help but freak out bc of him not following me anymore bc that means that there will be MORE distance between us #i will become even less and less present in his life and world. he will start forgetting me more and more. he will realize that the world #without me is better!!!! he will spend more time andbe more attentive towards everyone else and realize that not having me close is much #better. and that his life is happier and better without me close by T-T plus it's...#i cant lie... it makes me jealous that he had favorite blogs and mutuals who arent me 😭😭#and all of them are better than me in every aspect...... 😭#this will only make the gap between us bigger and he will forget about me!!!!!!!! 🥲#little by little he is reducing the amount of me in his life and since it'll be better he'll keep going until im out of it completely #im gonna die just thinking about it bc i know i know that i dont bringANYTHING good into ppl's lives and im just lucky that it lasts at all

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m00ngbin · 9 months

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Uh warning this whole thing is me complaining about my bones and pain and stuff so if you're sick of hearing about that you should probably ignore this

Whatever's wrong with my knee spread to my hip so I think that maybe I WILL be needing a cane or something soon and it's not just a joke I was making cause I had to keep sitting down in random places

Joke might be the wrong word because it wasn't really a joke and it wasn't funny, I was just trying to be lighthearted and it didn't seem like it was really happening or that it was probable

#sorry if we're ever in a public place and i suddenly make us stop so i can sit down for a few seconds #its not because im lazy or im trying to be annoying i swear #something ive been thinking about is disability #i don't think im disabled because i can still get around and do things but sometimes it is a little difficult and im worried that #in the future I'll have a really hard time walking without pain and ill have to depend on someone more than i already do #im already going to need to live with someone for the rest of my life anyway because of mental health stuff and i really dont want to have #to give up what freedom i have left #i read somewhere that disability forces you to rely on people and it takes away your independence and totally overhauls your life #and that disability really destroys your walls surrounding asking others for help/support #being independent and being self sufficient #i pride myself on my independence and self sufficiency and seeing that slowly start trickling away while theres nothing i can do about it #and nobody knows what to do to stop it is really painful #maybe it wont get so bad that ill be fully reliant but the possibility is there and not knowing is really scary #my choice and my autonomy are being ripped away and it not a person thats doing it its my own body #im not in control of my own body anymore #maybe im being dramatic but it really doesnt feel like it #because i am slowly watching my joints get worse and i am completely helpless. i cant do anything. im watching whatever this is spread and #not a single person can tell me what it is or why its happening

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astrxealis · 2 years

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sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself?#and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways #humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good #and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up #leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that #me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies #pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm #yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice #and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since #christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??)#OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure #which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata #and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing #ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that #im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk #and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my #personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol)#but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am #and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS #anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends #as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho #that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so #sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like #we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids #but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone #who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways #OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god

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bunnihearted · 2 months

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≽^•༚• ྀི≼

#i try to be fine and just accept reality #and to think abt other things and just practice letting go #but omg sometimes i get these intense waves of longing #and missing him so so bad. & it hurts in a way where i feel so anxious and almost panicky #bc he's like alive and out there but i still cant tell him i miss him even #and even if i dont want to lose him in the way i am it is out of my hands completely #but him as a person and everything he is hurts sm to miss out on and lose #idk .. those waves of missing him just hit me smack in the face #even after a day of me being like im ok it's fine i will just go on it is what it is #but it is crazy bc there is not a second of the day i dont think abt him...#idk what to do i know it's insane but?????#i've tried to think abt it but like actually i dont understand.....#why is it all i can think abt constantly?????? :(((((#it esp suck when i cannot actually take these feelings anywhere but have to try to find a way to kill them #ughhh this has taken over my life... like actually from the first convo we had...#since then i haven been able to go a few hours without thinking abt him #and clearly theres smth wrong w me bc who does this??????#but idk what to do :((( it just hurts and sucks and im trying to do all the things youre supposed to #but yah like now i just suddenly freaked out bc im like omg wtf how am i supposed to live without him in my life at all???????#hes the most amazing person and even if i dont get to know him the way i wanna.. dont i get to know him at all anymore???? bc i csnt take i

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caruliaa · 2 years

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AWFUL when u feel like all ur freind groups r falling apart. even worse when u can tell the seasonal depression is going to be awful this year so u prob not gonna have enough energy to do anything abt it

#its weird bc like. i feel like the individual freindships ihave w ppl r like doing good or okay at least rn #but a lot of those friendships also made up like. groups nad stuff which arennt rly a thing at all anymore and i rly miss that a lot #idk. it just kinda rly sucks i feel like everyones drifiting apart #also i say season depression i dont mean that at all its just the thing to say when ur sad in autumn/winter #like objectivly the thing thats making me miserable is more likley to be that iv been living in an enviromanent that have been slowly #suffocating me for so long and i have wanted to escape for years and now that im An Adult and Technically Can i have to confront how hard #thats gonna be and how living on own is probably also going to slowly kill me becuase itll be so difficult to afford anything so im #basically trapped and my life is already over at age 18 and all of that overwhelming and catching up on me #than like. it being bc the sun is up for slightly less oh nooo #but thats more hashtag relatable ig !! idk.#sorry im j so suddenly sad always lol. but ig i cant help it #flappy rambles #vent

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g0thsoojin · 2 months

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#felt a little bit more fine today...#i was thinking abt him and im ruminating abt everything he has said and done etc #but i didnt feel that sharp pain and intense dread #except now... when i suddenly started missing him so bad again #bc we dont even interact at all on tumblr and i miss when we did #i wish i could go back and not be scared #then i'd interact with him as much as i wanted (which is a lot) and just like #omg avpd is the most stupid bc when i like someone i pull away bc #im terrified of them rejecting me if i show them how much i like them #it's all so stupid and i regret it #bc now i dont even have him on my dash anymore... which im kinda happyabt bc it would trigger me lolz #sometimes when someone i follow rb a post of his my heart jumps #:((((( i just want him and to be with him and forget abt the world #and now since he didnt choose me i have to accept that and be on my own in this cold world #and it all just hurts and sucks so much bc all i want is to be in his arms #and live with him and breathe for him and be content and safe with him #i..... wanna cryyyyyy lmao #i really tried to be fine today but im not #i think sadly if im gonna be fine..#i need to stop using tumblr...#and only live irl :////#bc then i'll be further and further away from him and the place i found him #and i will get used to living irl and think of him less #but i think i dont really want that bc im so in love with him #idk what to do and i hate all of it and im scared and i wish i had told him what i wanted i wish he knew how much i love him #and i wish he loved me that much so he wouldve asked me......#he said that in the beginning he almost asked me to be his gf.... and i wish he just had

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