#suggestionb

[selflovewarrior]

selflovewarrior on facebook & tumblr

[inquisitive-june]

Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions, is a modified letter written from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie to her childhood friend who asked how to raise a feminist daughter. She admits it's a hard question, and after having a daughter of her own she said it's easier said than done.

Tonight (Monday), I finished the introduction and the first six suggestions.  I plan on finishing the other half either later tonight or tomorrow.  It’s a quick read (~60 pages) and I recommend it to any feminist, regardless of whether she has or plans to have daughters.  I wrote a summary and notes of my own for each section in case anyone wants a TLDR.

Introduction

The premise of feminism should be “I matter equally” with no stipulations.  For example, she says to ask yourself “Can I reverse x and get the same result?”  If your husband cheated, is the feminist response always to leave?  Ask yourself if he would stay if you cheated.  If the answer is yes, then staying does not contribute to gender inequality.  The reality is that the answer is typically no, because there is a lower bar for men when it comes to infidelity.  Personally, I believe that focusing on an individual relationship as opposed to societal norms and trends is a mistake.  A woman choosing to stay with an unfaithful husband is not a neutral act even if he would to the same for her.

She remarks that her friend’s daughter is already so curious about the world.  Most people would remark on a newborn’s appearance, as they typically have few defining features beyond which parent they resemble.  Choosing an active rather than passive trait to complement set the tone for the rest of the letter.

First Suggestion

Be a full person, meaning don’t define yourself by your motherhood.  Don’t apologize for working and taking time for yourself.  Also don’t be surprised when you make mistakes and remember to ask for help when you need it.

People cite tradition selectively.  Her SIL suggested she be a stay-at-home mom because it’s “traditional,” despite the fact that double income families is an Igbo tradition.

Already from the first suggestion I can tell she has a wonderful sense of humor.  Adichie references their childhood and mutual friends in a way that makes you feel like an old friend as opposed to a stranger hearing an inside joke.

Second Suggestion

Your husband is just as capable of (and should be doing) everything short of breastfeeding the baby.  Equal childcare doesn’t always mean 50/50 every single day, but you’ll know when it’s equal because there will be no resentment.  Personally, I believe many men would resent having to do childcare because they still believe it is women’s work.  I also think the existence of the nuclear family should change, not just the expectations placed on the father.

Third Suggestion

Domestic skills benefit everyone and shouldn’t be exclusively taught to girls.  If we stopped viewing marriage as a prize for women, we would stop asking whether women should perform domestic labor in order to “earn” a husband.

We teach our children gender roles unconsciously, but it is easier to raise our daughters to be confident and reject gender roles than it is for them to unlearn it later.

Don’t assume your daughter can’t do something.  Even if she can’t yet, let her  try so she becomes confident in her ability and doesn’t feel restricted by gender roles.

Fourth Suggestion

Adichie defines Feminism Lite in a few different ways.  It’s when men say they “allow” their wives to have a career or they’re the man of the house but their wife is the one “really” in charge behind the scenes.  The examples she gives are better than any individual point I could summarize here.

We judge powerful women far more than powerful men.  The implication is that male dominance and power is natural, but women have to either earn or compensate for their power by being humble and domestic.

This is the section where I got the quote from earlier btw.

Fifth Suggestion

Teach your daughter to read, preferably by example but if she’s still not interested reward her for reading.  It will help her learn about the world and herself.  It’s also important that she read a wide variety, not just what is given to her at school.

Sixth Suggestion

Begin by questioning your language and then teach your daughter to question language.  What you say teaches her what she should value.

Terms like misogyny and patriarchy are sometimes too abstract for a child, so focus on specific examples.  Point out what is misogynistic about it and what can be done differently.  If someone criticizes X in men but not women, their problem is with women and not X.  Also teach her to recognize when men revere women (e.g. call them special, divine, superhuman) because this is based on chivalry and infantilization, not respect.

[jesterjamz]

I HAVE ADOPTED A DAUGHTER I WILL BE TAKING NAME SUGGESTIONBS

[wistfulwisp]

i have grown, the voices have been tamed. i speak for myself.

[extremelyspecificshoutouts]

hi hi hi ok, so,

i’m not feeling super positive rn

But, i love y’all.

gimme suggestionbs/advice/etc for posts,

*pats u on ur forehead* thank u

[inquisitive-june]

Dear Ijeawele Part 2

I finished this book like a week ago but I forgot this in my drafts 😅

There were a few things I disagreed with, but I decided not to include my personal notes for the most part.  Most of what I disagreed with had to do with femininity and marriage, and since I talk about that topic often I didn’t think it was necessary to voice my opinion here.  For clarity, I’ll italicize my thoughts.

Seventh Suggestion

Don’t treat marriage like an achievement or prize.  Girls are raised to value marriage more than boys, so they put more effort into maintaining an already unequal relationship.

Adichie’s explanation for why she kept her surname when she got married resonated with me, because it’s much the same reason I don’t ever want to change mine.

But the point is simply this: whether it came from my father or from the moon, it is the name that I have had since I was born, the name with which I travelled my life’s milestones, the name I have answered to since that first day I went to kindergarten in Nsukka on a hazy morning and my teacher said, ‘Answer “present” if you hear your name. Number one: Adichie!’

In a just world, women won’t be expected to do anything men are not, and women will only take their husband’s last name when they truly want to.  Until then, she suggests couples pick a new name together so they both have to go through the legal process of getting their names changed.

Eighth  Suggestion

Your daughter’s job is not to be likeable.  Sexual predators take advantage of the fact that girls are taught not to speak up or fight back.  Praise her when she takes an unpopular stance because it is her honest opinion.  Teach her that kindness isn’t to be taken for granted and she deserves kindness, too.

Teach her that she is not merely an object to be liked or disliked, she is also a subject who can like or dislike. In her teenage years, if she comes home crying about some boys who don’t like her, let her know she can choose not to like those boys.

Ninth  Suggestion

Give her a sense of identity.  Teach her to embrace the parts of her culture that are beautiful (like pride in hard work) and reject those that are not (like misogynistic traditions).  She will be flooded with images of white beauty and achievement, as well as negative images of black and African people.  Teach her about black history, give her black heroes to look up to, and show her the beauty and resilience of her people.  Teach her about privilege and inequality and teach her to treat others with respect regardless of occupation.

Much of this chapter focused on Igbo culture in particular, so I left out a lot of specific examples for the sake of brevity.  However, I still don’t think this summary did this chapter justice.

Tenth  Suggestion

Be deliberate in how you engage with her about her appearance.  Teach her to be physically active in all kinds of ways.  Many girls stop sports when they reach puberty, but try to encourage her through it.  If she likes makeup and fashion, let her dress up.  If she doesn’t, let her be.  It’s misogynistic to suggest feminism and femininity are mutually exclusive.

Women are shamed for traditionally feminine pursuits, but men are not.  No one makes assumptions about the intelligence of a well-dressed man, while well-dressed women are assumed to be frivolous.  I agree with this point, but I also wanted to add that the expectations for a “well-dressed woman” are far higher than for a “well-dressed man,”  so she will be spending more time on her appearance and less on her career and other pursuits.

Don’t link appearance with morality and don’t link hair with pain.  If the school says her natural hair is unkempt then speak to the admin directly.  She will learn early on what kind of beauty is valued, but teach her there are many types of beauty.

Surround her with Aunties whose qualities you want her to admire and point out what you admire about them.  It’s harder to do the same with men, but if she has good male role models to look up to she will be less likely to believe gender roles are universal.

Eleventh Suggestion

Society uses biology selectively to justify societal norms. For example, physical strength is used to justify male superiority and biology is used to excuse male promiscuity but not female promiscuity.  Teach her that biology is interesting but shouldn’t be used to justify social norms because societal norms are not not innate.  She points out that if we used biology to justify tradition, it would make more sense for lineages to be traced by motherhood not fatherhood.

Twelfth  Suggestion

Talk to her about sex.  It will be awkward, but start early.  She suggests using the medical terminology for body parts, but that’s up to you.  Teach her that her body is her own and she shouldn’t do anything she isn’t comfortable with.  Tell her to wait until she’s an adult, but be prepared if she doesn’t and make sure she knows she can come to you if she needs to.  Female sexuality is weighed down by shame.  Shame is control.  This control isn’t for women’s health or safety, but to protect men from the consequences of their actions.

Thirteenth  Suggestion

Talk to her about love and sex so she’ll come to you when she starts dating.  Teach her that love is about receiving as much as it is about giving.  Many women will put on a performance to show how “marriage-worthy” they are because they’re the ones who are proposed to, not the ones who are allowed to propose.

Expecting men to be the providers is misogynistic because a man’s job isn’t to provide.  Whoever is more financially stable should be the provider, but in our society that is generally men.  While I agree with this in theory, I believe it is more complicated in practice.  Men also use feminism and “equality” to argue that they shouldn’t have to pay for dates or support their families, but I digress.

Fourteenth  Suggestion

Don’t turn the oppressed into saints.  People who are unkind and dishonest still deserve dignity.  Women are just as human (i.e. just as capable of evil) as men.  In my opinion,  the fact that women are just as capable of evil as men does not mean women are just as often as evil as men.  

Fifteenth  Suggestion

Teach her that diversity is normal and don’t attach morality to differences.  People walk different paths, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as they’re not hurting anyone.  Teach her not to universalize her experience.  This isn’t the same as being ‘non-judgemental,’ which can devolve to ‘doesn’t have an opinion on anything’ or ‘keeps her opinion to herself.’  In other words, teach her to be full of opinions, but ensure those opinions come from a kind, informed place.