#sweetbitter Scott

[thepaintedlady00]

Nightshade

Chapter 23 | Chapter 25

TW: As always: language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, smoking, sex, general mature themes. We've got some Tony in this chapter, some clear violations of the law and personal property/privacy, Simone's back (...yaaaaayyy), I'm gonna blue ball y'all just one more time with the big conversation our two idiots gotta have, another painting, some mentions of grooming, Lena's not in the mood for any of the shit this chapter, Jake's being the good "friend" he is. Some lies get told, and finally our dummies have THE conversation but also not really xD Enjoy!

Chapter 24: Burn the Ice

The morning chill stung his face as he exited the car - a reminder that the snow could start any day now. With calm, leisurely steps his fine leather shoes echoed amongst the chaos of the city. It was loud and crowded and smelt like cheap street vendor food. Disgusting, he thought to himself, glaring at the slouched-back people running the dirty stalls for a minute before starting up the steps.

Her building was old and smelt of mold, something he couldn't help but feel a twinge of satisfaction about. It was obvious she wasn't living as well as she had been with him. The landlord gave him a wide-eyed look, one he was well accustomed to - the style of the rich was always something poor people gawked at - but all he did was smile that charming smile and offer the old man a wave as he made his way past.

At the door he let the others do their work, patiently drumming his fingers along the hard cover of the sketchbook while they did. The door made a loud creaking noise as it opened. “Wait here. I won't be long.”

The faint smells of cleaning materials and dust filled his nose. She'd been staying here less and less the closer the cold months got. A lingering trauma that made her unconsciously cling to that pathetic family of hers. A trauma he felt a burning frustration and an undoubtable swell of pride whenever he recalled it. Running his fingers along her countertop, looking at the living room filled with paintings she'd done after slipping away, Tony allowed himself a rare moment of quiet.

In that quiet Tony breathed in the faint smell of her cherry perfume with a grimace. He'd always hated that smell, hated the tiny fruit in general. But, he admired the malice behind it… The choice to douse herself in it was one clearly made to slight him. She could do nothing without thinking of him, even if it was in anger, for now, Tony enjoyed the simple fact that Lena still thought of him every day. It was a testament to a larger, even more satisfying truth.

This sad, pathetic little life she'd scrounged together was nothing without him.

Jules’ heavy footsteps intruded on his quiet, but he did so with respect so Tony would allow it. “He's coming this way.”

“How long?”

“Four minutes.”

“Good.” Right on schedule.

Tony set the sketchbook back on the counter and pulled the lovely orange flower from his breast pocket giving it a sniff before setting it on top of the book. Jules handed him the envelope with her name neatly printed in his decadent handwriting. “We'll see each other soon, my Lena.”

Jules had timed it perfectly, as he always did, right as Tony stepped out the door onto the steps of Lena's apartment the old biker turned onto the street. His eyes grew wide in terror and rage as he spotted him. Perfect. With a wide grin, Tony lifted his hand and offered them a wave before he slid into his limousine. “Take us home, driver. We're done here for today.”

*

A sweet smell filled Jake’s nose as he rolled onto his stomach, arm draping over the warm body lying beside him. The sweet, fruity, decadent aroma was one he recognized in mere seconds. Cherries. He happily buried his nose in that smell. Lena.

He cracked an eye open, catching that heavenly glimpse of the sun hitting her hair just right making it glow like fire. Pretty as that was, it paled in comparison to the sight of her bare back peeking out from beneath his covers. Her skin was soft as silk beneath the tips of his fingers as he lazily traced the snake tattoo.

The warm fuzziness that filled his chest made every touch, every smell, and sound feel almost dreamlike. He would have thought this was just another dream like he had the first time he woke up to her in his bed, but the sensations were too defined to just be his imagination. That and he felt so damn tired from the long night he'd spent in the throes of such physical activities.

With a pleased sigh, Jake recalled all the ways they'd made up for wasted time. He could still taste the sweetness of Lena's lips, still feel her soft skin rubbing so deliciously against his own. If he closed his eyes again he was sure he'd see the heavenly image of her moving on top of him. It was seared into his mind now just like his name felt forever changed now that he'd heard it on her lips as she came apart beneath him. The hickeys on his neck and the faint marks left by her fingernails clawing at his back would be more obvious things to remind him that last night had been real. Those marks would fade in a week or two unless he let her give him more, which he gladly would.

Lena had taken her time with him, kissing him, teasing him, working him so expertly he'd actually struggled not to come prematurely. She was just as talented as she'd built herself up to be and he felt like a damn fool for ever even doubting her. As if she needed more added to the list of all her perfections now she could add being the best he'd ever had.

She was vocal, not just in expressing her pleasure but in encouraging his own. No matter how hard he thought Jake couldn't remember ever feeling as satisfied during or after sex in his life. In between the three rounds of their newfound intense passions, Jake found himself… Present. Usually after an orgasm or two, he'd just fall asleep not caring if his partner did the same or not, but with her, he felt awake… Alive. 

They spent just as much time talking, laughing, and enjoying each other's company as they had tangled in his sheets. They ate, drank, and played with their cat whenever the little creature slinked from his hiding place. It all felt natural and oddly intimate and, for better or worse, Jake enjoyed it.

Physical intimacy was something he'd always excelled at. Flirting, foreplay, all of it came naturally to him. Jake had spent his fair share of time between the legs of beautiful women but Lena was something else entirely. Something new. Being with her made him feel like his pleasure - he - mattered just as much as hers. It was a concept he'd never truly understood, let alone experienced until now.

Ever since he could remember Simone - women in general - had told him exactly what they wanted from him. Touch me. Kiss me. Fuck me. Faster. Slower. Harder. They told him how to please them and he listened. It was a good time for all parties, but deep down Jake always felt that sting of emptiness. It’d been more about following their orders than it had been about just getting to enjoy the moment. He felt used… Like he'd only been good for a quick fuck and nothing else.

Normally Jake would have swallowed that feeling and forced himself to move… To physically shake off the very thought of it. He'd busy his mind with reading or mundane tasks like showering or cleaning. He'd build up the wall between him and whoever he'd fucked the night before - distance himself from feeling anything at all. Right about now, Jake should have been justifying his dickish, asshole behavior by repeating the words Simone had said to him since he could remember. This is who you are, love. You're just not built for ordinary people. 

Ordinary people turned out to be everyone. Everyone but Simone. And now… Maybe… Lena. 

He never truly understood how powerful feelings like this could be. He never knew that one person - even one as perfect as her - was capable of making him feel like an entirely different person. Jake felt more like himself, a self he barely even knew any more than he had in practically his entire life. He let the peaceful silence and that warm feeling in his chest stay as he curled further into the back of his sleeping redhead.

It wasn't until Hemingway climbed over both their legs, shimmying beneath the curtains and pushing them open to further blind him with sunlight that Jake truly woke up. Pleased with his work the cat proudly pranced across the pillows to stare down at him with an impatient and demanding meow. He couldn't help but chuckle as Hemingway slapped his forehead with a fleshy paw. Lena mumbled something in her sleep, burrowing her face in his blanket with a happy sigh that practically drowned out the cat's noise. God, he wanted to wake her up and kiss her, feel her, fuck her until they were both too exhausted to continue.

After laying in bed for a minute longer - until Hemingway was on the verge of exploding - he slowly slid out of the sheets and stretched his tense back out with a quiet groan. Briefly glancing over his shoulder to make sure that he hadn't woken her, Jake slid on a pair of pants picked his shirt up off the floor, and dished up Hemingway’s food with a quiet scold, “There, was that so hard to wait for?”

He cleaned up the remnants of the night, tossing the now nubs of melted wax in the trash and putting the leftover oyster shells in his sink. When he moved to put the champagne in his fridge he was bitterly reminded of how little food he had. Shit. He set the champagne back on the counter, closing the fridge to look back at the bed. Did he really want to have the conversation in some overcrowded, too-loud diner? 

The thought sat in his mind for a second as a list of possible interruptions made him shake his head. Nope. He wasn't going to risk not talking about this any longer because of anything. Maybe that Chinese is still good? Nope. Jake may have been lazy but even he was above serving month-old Chinese food for breakfast. 

Jake knew Lena wouldn't care about where they ate breakfast, but he didn't want to risk anything going wrong. Besides, Lena deserved a proper breakfast. He wanted her to know that he'd thought about this. That he was ready - willing - to put his best foot forward. Jake wanted to show Lena that this wasn't just a one-night stand and that he wasn't going to vanish now that he'd finally fucked her. More than anything he wanted her to see how much last night, she, meant to him.

He quietly put on his shoes and grabbed his keys and wallet. Writing her a quick note, he set it on his pillow and pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder. I'll be back before she even wakes up, he reassured himself as he turned and headed out the front door. The diner by his house would be open. It may not have been the best food, but it'd have to do.

I'm definitely going grocery shopping tomorrow. When Lena spent the night again, he'd be ready.

*

I woke to an abrupt slap to the center of my forehead followed by a loud, demanding meow directly in my ear. The silhouette of Hemingway's pointed ears was all I could see as he stood in front of the sunlit window. “Good morning to you too.”

Another demanding meow was the creature's only reply as I stretched my arms over my head and yawned. Hemingway jumped off the bed the second I'd sleepily rolled over to throw my arms around the body that should have been beside mine but wasn't. A nervous, gut-wrenching pit filled my stomach as I patted the empty mattress. “Jake?”

No answer.

“Jake?” I called out just a bit louder as I held the blanket to my naked chest and sat up in his bed, looking around his now-empty apartment. 

The bathroom door was open and the shower was off. His kitchen was empty, although cleaner than it had been when we'd finally fallen asleep. There weren't many places one could hide in an apartment as small and open as his. I shifted slightly, fingers brushing against a thin piece of paper on his pillow. 

Relax Princess, I just ran to grab us some breakfast. Should only be ten or fifteen minutes. Make yourself comfortable and DO NOT feed the cat again no matter how much he meows at you!

Air filled my lungs and my body relaxed back into Jake's soft sheets. He was safe. I was safe. Everything was alright.

For how long though? When he returned we'd have to finally have that discussion. The discussion. I'd need to have answers - need to admit just how much I'd fallen for him. The very thought of looking into his stupid, beautiful eyes and pouring my heart out to him made me feel dizzy.

Would he feel the same now that he'd achieved his original goal? Would Jake still want me as much as I still wanted him? And how much did I want him? How far had I really fallen since the start? 

Too far. Was the only answer I could admit to. I was naked in his apartment. I had slept with him in his bed. I was waking up with the cat we'd both unofficially adopted. There was no denying it. I was hopelessly, pathetically, irreparably in this - whatever this was. There was no going back to how things were before, not when all I could think about was just how perfect Jake's lips felt on mine and how amazing last night had been.

Sex was nothing new. It was something I'd had a lot of experience in, good and bad. I knew all the steps, all the moves, and still last night had taken me by surprise. Sex with Jake had been… different. It was unlike every other sexual experience I’d had. 

I often had to find ways to keep myself in the moment, something that got easier the more I was with someone or the more time had passed. But, with Jake, I was just there. I didn't need to remind myself to breathe. I didn't need to force my body to relax and repeat his name to remind myself whose hands were touching me. 

It was fun, exciting and intimate. Instead of feeling that shameful disgust, the one I needed to tell myself wasn't real, I felt at peace. There hadn't been a single moment when we were tangled together that I’d felt anything but completely and utterly cherished. I felt safe, unburdened by all the shit that'd been complicating even the simplest things in my life. Last night nothing else mattered, nothing but us.

Us. It was a word that made my lips quirk up in a smile. Us was simple. Us was what I wanted. And us was ultimately what I was most afraid of.

There were just so many ways it could all go wrong. I could fuck it up. He could fuck it up. We could both collectively fuck it all up. And then what? We'd just have to go about our lives working together, seeing each other every day, watching each other meet new people, and moving on? Even just the possibility of seeing Jake with anyone else made me feel sick. 

No, I thought sadly. We're in too deep for that. I couldn't live without Jake. His asshole attitude and his smart mouth, his smile, his laugh, he was entwined in my life now in a way I couldn't undo even if I tried. So, the choice was already made. I'd - we’d -make it work. No matter what I had to do to keep this from falling apart - to keep him in my life - I'd do it.

After surviving another round of Hemingway's desperate attempts to convince me to feed him, I was out of Jake's bed staring at the sulking cat as I searched for Jake's dresser. “Hitting me doesn't change the fact that you already ate!”

He hissed.

“You better watch that attitude,” I replied. “Or I won't sneak you any of my breakfast when Jake gets back.”

Hemingway’s eyes narrowed and with a moment of consideration before he rubbed himself against my feet. “Yeah, that's what I thought.”

As respectfully as I could, I searched Jake's drawers until I found his clothes. While they were kind of baggy on me, it was better than walking around in his blanket all morning. Besides, I enjoyed the way they smelt like him and felt softer against my skin than my own clothes had.

My eyes trailed along his shelves, taking a more in-depth look at his books and pictures and odds and ends that he'd saved over the years. There was so much history in his space. So many things that had been saved for a reason I couldn't know just by looking at him. Curiosity swelled in me, my mind running wild with all the possible reasons he'd held onto things. For the first time in a long time I wanted to ask questions and get closer to someone. I wanted to listen to him tell me every story and every detail about his life before I entered. I wanted to know every piece of him.

My fingers traced one of the seashells as his front door opened and he stepped inside with a bag from some diner. His eyes instantly found me, that shimmer in them making me blush and my heart soar. “Hey.”

“Hi,” he replied, clearing his throat. “Sorry, I was gone so long.”

“It's no problem,” I answered, watching his eyes take in the clothes I now wore. “I… Uh… borrowed some of your clothes. I hope that's okay.”

As he set the bag down his eyes continued to roam down my body, that sinful smirk answering me long before his words did. “That's fine, though I was looking forward to coming back to a beautiful naked woman.”

“If you'd been quicker you woulda gotten that,” I teased. “I just barely got dressed.”

He clicked his tongue. “Damn. Maybe next time.”

Definitely next time, I thought as my mind played through all the new possibilities available to us now that we’d crossed the threshold. Clearing my throat, I moved to stand next to him as he unpacked the food, distractedly watching his hands for a second before asking, “What's for breakfast?”

“The works. Bacon, eggs, sausage, waffles,” he watched my nose scrunch up and chuckled before pulling a box out of the bag and setting it in front of me. “Don't worry, I got you pancakes.”

“You remembered,” I replied, eagerly opening it to the smell of the sweet stacks. “I'm impressed.”

With a shrug, Jake shooed the cat away and leaned back against the counter. “Don't be. It's not like it was a big secret.”

We both took a few tentative bites before neither of us could contain our nerves anymore. “So-”

“We-”

Chucking at one another's interruptions I nodded to him. “You go first.”

Jake watched me, the ocean in his eyes rolling with tense waves and anticipation. “Well, I guess now's as good a time as any for us to talk about last night… and the ones before.”

Don't freak out, I told myself. Just be honest. “Yeah, things have been… Interesting… between us lately.”

“Good interesting?” He asked with a cocky grin, taking a step closer to me. 

I nodded, “Great interesting. Right?”

“Right.”

“So…” The words caught in my throat as Jake took one last step closer, putting us chest to chest.

His breath, slightly sweet smelling, rolled across my face. “So…”

“I… I want t-” The front door swung open and the head of blonde hair made my teeth snap shut in anger. 

Simone stood in the open doorway, that red-lipped mouth hanging open in shock for a moment before it closed. Jake turned, brows furrowed and the tension between us quickly shifted into just tension. “...Simone?”

She smiled at him, quickly with no sincerity before she looked me up and down and nodded to herself. “Lena. What a surprise.”

I bit my tongue and simply nodded at her while my eyes scanned the floor for my shoes. Jake watched Hemingway dart to his hiding place before returning his attention to the new interruption. “How was your trip?”

The mood soured further as Simone just shook her head, her eyes wide with rage and the smile on her lips quickly shifting into a sneer. “Oh, it was just fantastic. I always love dealing with my mother alone.”

Time to go. I knew if I stayed for even another sentence Jake would be pulling me off Simone and everything between us would be stained with chunks of blonde hair and blood. I may have been able to see her for what she was, but Jake wasn’t and an attack on her - physical or otherwise - would effectively jeopardize everything I had or may have had with Jake. I pushed my hair behind my ears and hastily grabbed my things, quickly pulling on my shoes. “I should go.”

“You…” Jake started to protest, but quickly thought better of trying to keep Simone and I in a room together for longer than necessary. “We can finish this later.”

With a nod I pressed a soft kiss to his lips and forced myself to smile through the disappointment in an attempt to show him I was still ready to have the talk whenever we could find the time. “See you at work.”

“Yeah,” he answered softly, breathing out a slightly relieved sigh. “See you at work.”

As I turned I held Simone's glare, telling her without any words that she wasn't getting rid of me so easily. I grabbed the champagne bottle off the counter and slid out of Jake's apartment, closing the door behind me. The entire walk to Quinn’s I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat and kept repeating positive thoughts to keep myself from crying out of sheer frustration.

I let myself in, setting the champagne on the table next to Quinn and Ari who just looked at me in confusion. “Good morning?”

“Yeah… Morning or whatever,” I replied flopping onto Quinn's couch and melting into the cushions.

“Long night?”

“Was it bad?” Ari asked, practically jumping up from the table. “I didn't think Jake could fumble the bag when sex was involved.”

“Simoneshowedup,” I grumbled into the cushions.

Quinn settled on the arm of the couch. “Say again?”

Lifting my head I turned and glared at her. “We fucked. A lot. It was great and then right when we were about to have the talk Simone just invited herself in.”

Both Ari and Quinn's mouths formed an O. “Yikes.”

“Anything we can do?” Quinn asked, gently rubbing my back. 

Flopping back onto the couch I sighed. “Kill me.”

*

The second the door closed all hell broke loose. Simone threw her bags to the ground and angrily stomped around his kitchen to open the wine she'd brought. “Can we not do this?”

With a joyless laugh, she glared at him. “Not do what? Not keep our promises to each other? Cause you sure as hell have already started that.”

"Jesus," Jake breathed with a frustrated shake of his head. "It just barely happened. What did you want me to call you during and let you know?"

Simone glared at him, her lips thinning into that tight line. "Do not mock me, Jake.”

“I'm not mocking you. I just… I don't fucking understand what you want from me.” His whole body felt so tight he was sure he'd explode any second. “One minute you're telling me to do what I want and the next you're pissed at me for doing what I wanted to!”

“I want you to show me some goddamn respect!” She shouted, slamming her hand down on his counter. “I have been carrying you since you were eight years old and it has been the only thing I've asked of you! Yet you still find ways of failing at that too!”

Jake felt that ugly swell of tears burning behind his eyes. He felt his whole chest ache and his mind sluggishly repeat the word. Fail. Fail. Fail. That's all you ever fucking do. You fail Simone. You failed your mom. You'll fail Lena too. That's all you're good for. Gritting his teeth Jake forced himself to breathe. He forced himself to stay standing, to blink the tears away and speak, “I do respect you. I respect you more than anyone else! I just… It just barely happened, Simone. I was going to tell you the second I got the chance-”

“And when would that have been?” She asked the anger in her voice never wavering. “In a month? Two? Until I had to walk in on you?”

“It would have been when I saw you!” Jake shook his head. “I tell you everything, Simone. I always have, I always will. That's what we do. We tell each other things, we trust each other.” Slowly he could see Simone's shoulders relax and that glimmer of love return to her eyes. “Do you trust me?”

She finally abandoned the wine and gently took hold of his face. “Of course I do.”

The ache dulled as she stroked his cheeks and he finally felt like his lungs were filling with air instead of acid. “I was going to tell you.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I do. I just… It surprised me. And you know how much I hate surprises.”

“I'm sorry,” he whispered.

Simone smiled and pressed her lips to his, a kiss that once would have sent his heart soaring but now made his gut twist in his chest as he inevitably thought of Lena. She pulled back and nodded. “I know.”

“Are we good?”

“Yes. We are. Honestly, now I guess I’m…” Simone shook her head as she poured her wine and with a heavy sigh, Jake prepared himself for the word he knew far too well. Disappointed. “Relieved.”

“What?”

She picked at Lena's discarded dress, shrugging a shoulder as if she hadn't just been screaming at him over this. “It's done now. You've gotten it out of your system and things can finally get back to normal.”

In some sense she was right. It was done now. He tamed the tiger just like he'd wanted. Normally that did mean that Jake would move on and things would go back to normal. If Lena were anyone else he would probably fuck her a few more times before ultimately tossing her aside in favor of a new fling. But she wasn't anyone else, she was Lena…his Lena. 

Jake didn't want things to go back to normal. He didn't want to feel that emptiness - the weight of being so alone and detached - again. So, Jake stared at Simone as she tidied up his apartment drank wine, and lectured him about how rude and selfish it'd been of him to abandon her over the holiday. For an hour - one that should have been filled with Lena's soft touches and breathy moans - Jake listened to his every flaw being brought to the surface.

Usually, he'd bite back and argue - defend himself against Simone’s angry accusations and slanders. But, that morning he didn't bother. Jake was tired, frustrated, and now anxious. Simone's interruption had put him and Lena right back where they started. Their pile of rain checks had barely been touched and now they'd have to restart the awkward, nervous, avoidant dance around each other. Only this time it'd be worse because they'd actually fucked.

This time the longer they went without talking about it the more likely they both were to write it off as some one-night stand and just go back to how things had been before that first kiss. The longer he sat with that thought, the more obvious it became that he couldn't survive not talking about this. Jake needed to know how Lena felt. He needed her to know how he felt.

“Are you even listening to me?” Simone snapped with a disappointed sigh. Before he could answer she'd rolled her eyes and turned away from him. “Of course you aren't.”

God it was going to be a long day.

*

The locker room was filled with gossip as I entered and shoved Sasha off as he jumped around me practically squealing, “Let me see, let me see!”

“See what?”

“Baby Jakey's work!” He replied. “From your sex!”

I glared at Ari, who sheepishly smiled. “Oh… Were you not telling people?”

“Fuck off. All of you,” I warned, opening my locker and getting changed as quickly as I could to try and avoid Sasha's peeking. The Russian only let up when a familiar broad-shouldered bartender set his bike down and entered the locker room. 

“JAKEY!” Sasha purred. “Take your shirt off!”

Jake brushed past him, shaking his head. “Not in the mood Sasha.”

“Oohhhh,” he glanced between the two of us. “Was the sex that bad?”

I whirled around and slapped his forearm, cursing him in Russian until he retreated from the room giggling with Ari. “Fucking dickhead.”

Jake and I locked eyes. Desire and frustration vibrated between us, but neither of those made my heart drop… the uncertainty in Jake’s eyes, the new sliver of doubt shining back at me did. Had Simone talked him out of whatever this was? Had she dug those talons into his back hard enough for him to abandon the feelings I knew we both felt? Or had all of this… everything between us really just been part of some long game for him? 

My racing thoughts must have been obvious, because Jake took a step toward me, mouth open to try and say something before Simone stepped into the locker room, happily humming as if she hadn't interrupted us at all. The apologetic look in his eyes was the only thing that kept me from punching that smug blonde bitch in the back of the head. I ground my teeth together and turned around to finish getting ready.

I left the two of them and their small talk in the locker room and headed to the table for family meal. Howard, who looked slightly tanner, offered me an apologetic look of his own that I didn't understand until I sat down and my eyes found the new painting hanging on the wall. Right. That's a fucking thing.

The vivid orange petals were splattered with red. I found my mind having to remind itself that it'd been wine instead of blood this time. The jagged cuts in the canvas and its slightly bent shape made it all too clear what'd happened to this particular empty showcase.

The glass shattered over the top of the painting at my feet, wine sloshing over the half-painted petals and the shards of glass slicing the canvas where it struck. If this had been any other circumstance I would have admired how artistic it made the piece look. But this was just another bender.

Tony lay on the ground next to the broken glass, laughing. It didn't matter how much or how loud he laughed, I could see the tired bags under his eyes and the hazed far off look that made me wonder if there was some human part of him deep inside. I almost pitied him, if just for one fragmented moment. 

Jules checked his pulse and shoved my painting aside to keep him away from the broken glass. Turning to me he nodded to the mostly incoherent man at his side. “Stay with him while I get the doctor.”

“Of course,” I obediently answered, moving to kneel beside Tony. Jules gave my shoulder a soft squeeze as he stood and hurried toward the elevator.

My eyes fixated on the broken shards of glass just a few inches away. I could easily take one and shove it into his neck or cut his wrists. I could make it look like an accident… Like he'd done it to himself. Before the fear or the guilt could stop me I was reaching for the largest shard.

“Lena…” Tony mumbled, voice quivering as his glazed-over eyes searched for me. “Lena?”

“I'm here,” I answered quietly, my finger lingering on the glass as I looked down at him.

He relaxed instantly at the sound of my voice, lifting his hand to search for me in the dimly lit living room. “I… I can't see. Lena?”

Pity, understanding, and sympathy slowly replaced the darker thoughts in my head. With a gentle sigh, I slid closer to him, taking his hand in mine and pulling Tony into my lap. “I'm here.”

“W… Will you stay?” He mumbled kissing my hand. “Will you stay with me?”

The reply was practically instant… trained. “Of course.”

Tony set my hand against his chest, forcing me to feel the beating of his heart that cruelly reminded me he was a living, breathing human being. “Promise?”

Staring down at the floor of broken glass and then at the tender, beautiful face of the man I hated and feared and… Loved… I nodded. The words sounded sincere but filled my chest with a numbness that made it hard to breathe. “I promise.”

It was a low blow, reminding me of my supposed love for him. Reminding me that I'd made promises… Attempting to guilt me back into obedience. What was worse though, was that it worked.

In an entirely, uniquely twisted… Fucked up way my whole body went into some old, automatic tense posture. My chest burned with shame and my head filled with guilt-riddled thoughts. You broke his heart. You abandoned him. You said you'd never leave… Grinding my teeth together and balling my hands into fists I forced myself to remember the truth.

Being with Tony hadn't just been lavish gifts and eloquent love letters and expensive trips abroad. Those moments were far and few between. Being with him was filled with venom and rage. Being with him meant being held down, fighting… Aching. It was full of bloodied knuckles, bruises, and broken glass. Obey or be punished. Obey or starve. Obey or drown. 

It wasn't love, I told myself, forcing that thought to be louder than all the others. What we had was never love.

*

Jake sat across the table from her, silently cursing himself for not offering her the reassurance she clearly needed in the locker room. The glassy, scared look in her eyes as she picked up on that tiny part of him that doubted if he deserved her, was stuck in his mind like a sliver. Beside him, Simone quietly ate her food while all he could do was watch Lena. Her eyes hadn’t met his again, unsteady they were fixed past him on the flower painting that now hung on the wall. He could see so much emotion raging in her distant eyes. Fear, fondness, guilt, shame. It wasn't like the other paintings. Those had just made her afraid, angry but this… This was one of those things he didn't understand and it made his chest tighten.

The only thing that drew his gaze away from her was the neatly pressed suit and the fucking pervert that wore it. Howard was back. To his credit, the manager barely looked at him, but Jake could still see the faint bruises that he'd done his vest to conceal. With steady steps Howard approached Lena, one hand holding a bottle while the other lifted, moving toward her shoulder.

Howard's eyes locked with his and Jake did his best to convey the ass-kicking he'd be dishing out if he so much as tried to touch her. Do it. I fucking dare you. At the last second his hand shifted to the back of the chair and a smug sense of pride made Jake's mouth twitch into a smile.

“A gift…” Howard told her carefully, setting the wine down in front of her. “An apology for my involvement.”

Lena’s gaze slowly drifted away from the painting to glare at the bottle. For a moment, her face remained expressionless before a thin, bitter smile spread on her lips. “Expensive.”

“And one of your favorites.”

She said nothing as she stood and began pouring the wine into her glass. Lena's eyes were fixed on Howard even as the glass began to overflow, wine staining the white tablecloth in seconds. The manager pursed his lips, disappointment and a mild look of frustration playing out on his still slightly discolored face. No one said a single word as the bottle finally ran empty and Lena set it back down.

Howard sighed. “Was that truly necessary?”

Still, without a single word, Lena knocked the glass over, sending wine down the table. She strode past him and toward the kitchen just as everyone at the table burst with laughter and gossip. Jake leaned back in his seat and grinned at Howard, enjoying every second of the manager's hateful gaze.

Simone looked at the mess with a disapproving shake of her head. “Such a waste.”

Howard's glare shifted to Sasha and Ari as they continued their laughter. With a snap of his fingers and a swift gesture to the mess he barked out the order, “You two, please get this tablecloth in a soak and clean this up?”

“No fair,” Ari pouted quietly as they started cleaning. “Tiger Bitch makes a mess and we have to clean it.”

“Nepotism,” Sasha answered almost flippantly. “Tiger Bitch is special baby.”

Jake took his plate and Simone's back to the kitchen, eyes finding Lena among the dish crew with ease. She had her head down, focused completely on washing the dishes in the sink. As he set his dirty plates down he watched the water, trying to gauge how hot it was in an attempt to tell how fucked up the painting and Howard had her. It was bad, but not as bad as the first time.

He didn't want to leave her, not when she was like this. A hand waved in his peripheral vision, drawing his gaze to the line where Isaac nodded him toward the door. A silent but reassuring message that he'd keep an eye on her through this shift. Jake spared one last look to the back of her head before he sighed and left the kitchen.

Service felt longer than it should have. Wave after wave of rich assholes poured through the door and gawked at that painting hanging on the wall with Lena's name on it. It made him feel angry and sick to his stomach even just imagining what horrible memory she'd tried to bury in that paint. And there these fuckers were, complimenting it… Calling it a masterpiece. Worse than that Jake knew that even if they knew the full story they'd still find it just as fascinating - maybe even more.

As he made the drinks and served the guests in front of him, Jake made it a point to glare at Howard. The disgusting man was practically trying to sell the damn thing. He stood beside the crowd, pointing out the details of the piece and praising the painter, who he'd already revealed worked in the restaurant. When he'd walked past the bar toward the kitchen it took all of Jake's willpower not to hit him again.

Only a minute had passed before his heart dropped into his stomach at the sound of shattering dishes. In an instant Jake was moving towards the kitchen doors, his heartbeat practically echoing her name. Just as he reached the end of the bar, Sasha fled the scene with a deviant smile, effectively blocking Jake's path. “The hell happened?”

“Tiger Bitch is not in a playful mood tonight,” The Russian answered. “Dear Howard was telling her that some of the guests wanted to speak with her about her painting and she just held up a plate,” he illustrated the throwing movement as well as the crash with his hands, “She threw a plate and told him she'd throw one every time he spoke to her.”

A part of him couldn't help but feel satisfied at how hostile she was acting towards Howard. She may not have known what he did, but Jake was glad she was giving him hell even if it wasn't for the worst of his crimes against her. But, beneath that satisfaction was the simmering worry that it would all be too much for Lena to handle and he'd have to watch her spiral into another night of panic and drowning her fears in alcohol. 

Sasha watched his face, reading it carefully as he set his head in his hands and leaned on the bar in front of Jake. “Something about those paintings puts Tiger in a bad mood.”

“Yeah, no shit,” he replied curtly.

“Tell me what you know, pretty Jake,” he urged. 

Jake leaned forward, looking around them for a moment as if he cared about who could hear them. “I know you should get the fuck off my bar and back to work.”

The Russian cursed and waved him off. “Ha ha, you so funny.” With a thoughtful look, he shifted his question, “So, what's next?”

“Next?” Jake asked with a pointed look.

Sasha smirked and gave him an innocent shrug. “Well, now that you've tamed the tiger you'll be taking on a new project, yes? A new hostess maybe?”

Turning his head to the hostess stand Jake caught the new girl bashfully averting her eyes from the bar. In the past, he would have felt a thrill at the idea of stringing along another sweet, innocent hostess… But now when he looked at her and saw those blushing cheeks that told him she was interested all he could think of was how boring it'd be. No one would ever be able to offer him even a fraction of what he had with Lena.

No one else would challenge him the way she did. It didn't matter how pretty the hostess was, she wouldn't tease him encourage him, or support him the way the redhead did. No one could be more beautiful than her, funnier than her, smarter than her, more badass, or fearless. No one would be Lena and if it wasn't her… Well, he just didn't want it.

“Nah,” Jake finally replied, returning to his work. “No new projects.”

Sasha made a shocked face and with a quiet, almost supportive hum he asked, “Who really tamed who?”

*

The second service ended, I grabbed my shit and left out the alley door. I'd wanted to wait for Jake to talk to him, but after seeing that painting and having Howard tell me about the requests some rich asshole made to meet me… It was too much. As I wandered the brisk city, desperately trying to force the pit in my stomach to dissolve with the movement, I had to continuously pull myself from wave after wave of old thoughts trying to plague me with guilt and make me doubt what I knew to be true.

It wasn't love. It was never love.

Everything I'd been through, all the years I'd spent moving on, and all it took was one painting to make me feel like that sad, lonely, dead little girl. One painting and in whatever fucking twisted way I was looking back on the times when Tony made me laugh or smile or feel anything good. Those memories were ones I had to combat with the truth and the truth meant remembering and remembering meant I couldn't just pretend like everything was fine.

Tony had not only been in the restaurant but had weaseled his way into Howard's ear, and quite possibly my aunt's. He'd hung the paintings to elicit a very specific response and I'd played right into it. The larger message was simple. It was a reminder that in this game we were playing, he was the king. He snapped his fingers and everyone would play whatever tune he wanted, me included.

Fear, anger, guilt. What was his next move? I wondered as I had many times before. And just like every time before, I hadn't the faintest idea. Even with all the time I'd spent with him to give me a clear picture of who he was and how he thought, I'd never been able to predict his moves. The one thing I knew to be a certainty was there wasn't a damn thing he wouldn't do and that meant everything I loved was at stake… that meant the people closest to me were in danger.

Ozzy, Peter, Patrick, Quinn, Prue, Nana, Abdul, Isaac, Dom, Scott, Ari, Sasah… Jake. They were all possible targets for Tony to choose from. It was terrifying to think about and so I forced myself to not think about it. The lights over Ozzy's bar eventually flashed ahead of me as I did my best to shed myself of the powerless feeling that was now firmly rooted in my stomach. I had to keep moving forward, even blindly. I had to focus on the good around me, even if it was just a tiny speck of it.

He wouldn't take this from me. He would never take anything from me again.

As I made my way to the door I heard the rumble of Dom's bike engine and felt a sense of relief wash over me. As he pulled into the bike spaces I reminded myself of my one advantage in this fucked up game. I had Dom. He wouldn't let anything bad happen. Not ever again.

He had a tired look in his eyes as he flung his leg over the side and stood, thanking the bikers around him as they followed suit.

“Busy day?” I called out, drawing his attention to me.

A thought made his brows pinch together as he sighed and walked toward me. “Yeah.”

As he walked with me through the bar door a faint, floral smell lingered on his jacket. I leaned in, smelling him a bit deeper. “You open a flower shop or something?”

“Huh?”

“You smell all flowery,” I replied tugging on his jacket.

Dom's face drained of any emotion as he shrugged. “Right. Yeah, I… Had some business with a florist.”

A smile tugged at the corners of my lips. “Are you back in the game of wooing Mav?”

“No.”

“Oh come on, you can tell me!” I playfully urged. “You know I'm in full support of your “marriage”.”

With a sigh he stopped, gently placing a hand on my arm. “Lena… There's something we should talk about.”

A sudden tightness seized my throat at his serious tone and blank expression. “What's going on?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Sasha and the group waving their hands in the air, urging me to hurry and join them. “Tiger! Come on!”

Dom glanced at them and quickly shook his head. “I… just wanted to give you a heads up that Nana's got a big celebration planned for your birthday.”

“Oh.” A relieved breath left my lungs in the form of an anxious chuckle. “Oh, good. Fuck, you scared the shit out of me!”

“Sorry,” he quietly replied.

“It's okay. I promised Nana she could go all out this year and… I dunno…” Glancing back at my group, at my brothers and Quinn and Prue, the restaurant crew… Jake… I smiled. I had these people in my life. They may have been in danger by being here - being close to me - but they were here nonetheless. None of them cared about possible dangers, they still chose to be here with me. The weight that had made everything feel so heavy slowly eased as I looked at my friends… my family and smiled wider. “Maybe it won't be so bad this year.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he mumbled, giving me a pat on the head. “That's real good, kid. Now go on. Enjoy your night or whatever.”

I caught his arm before he could go too far, squeezing it and offering him a sad smile. “You been to visit her yet?”

Dom's whole body tensed. He likely thought I forgot, or maybe he just didn’t want to talk about it, but with a quick shake of his head, he answered “No… I don't know if I'm gonna this year.”

“Well if you do, tell her I said hi.” I knew that Dom didn't really believe in ghosts or angels. I knew to him Sarah wouldn't hear him or even know if he'd visited at all, but every year I still encouraged him to go to her grave as some kind of birthday gift to her. He had yet to do it, but I could tell that speaking of her fondly from time to time - acknowledging that his sister existed and had been important - helped ease the hurt in him a little.

But, tonight that didn't seem to be the case.

Dom averted his gaze, cleared his throat, and nodded to the group with a firm, “Go on.”

The chaos of the night continued as expected. My friends and their antics helped me push all the bad the day had to offer back into their boxes and as I met Jake's eyes over the bartop. I was scared that he’d still have that speck of doubt lingering in those beautiful eyes, but as he stared back at me all I could see was the desire. It reminded me of the good… of the possibility that I could have something normal.

Remembering how right it felt to kiss him, to feel him in every way physically possible made me flush with a shameless want to do it all again. Jake's never-faltering gaze didn't help either. It was like he knew exactly what I was thinking and that he wholeheartedly agreed. As the night progressed and the bar slowly started to slow I found myself avoiding leaving it. The pit in my stomach, though lessened still filled me with a lingering and old voice urging me to take the quickest, easiest path away from potential heartache. End it.

That conversation we didn't get to have was now right in front of me and I felt scared. Terrified that something had changed. If Jake told me he wanted to move on from last night it would gut me. But if he said he wanted us to be something official… That thought made me feel almost as sick, just in a different way. Get him as far away from you as possible.

How many men had come before him? All of whom I'd deeply felt for and all of whom Tony had destroyed in some way or another. So what would he do to Jake? What would Tony do to the man that I cared for most… The man who was different from every other in a way I didn't even fully understand. Protect him.

Ozzy set a hand on my shoulder and nudged me to the door. “Go on and get some rest, dear. You've helped enough.”

“Thanks,” I whispered, accepting the kiss on the head and making my way out the back door where I attempted to steel myself.

The gym was quiet, with only a few lights left on to illuminate the old pictures on the walls. As I looked at my dad's smiling face in every photo that scared voice in me quieted, instead replaced by his. “Why you gotta fight me every step of the way?”

“I don’t know what you want from me,” I’d replied coldly, angry and terrified. Dad had done nothing but offer me love and acceptance since I’d gotten back for the summer, two things I knew weren’t given away for free. He wanted something but instead of telling me what it was chose to play some cruel game instead. 

My dad’s shoulders slumped slightly, a sigh falling from his lips as he stared down at me with a pitiful look. I prepared myself for his disappointment, but it never came. “I don’t want anything from you, Lena.”

Shaking my head I swallowed hard. “Everyone wants something from me.”

“Alright,” he finally relented. “I do want one thing. I want you to live.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” I asked, timid but still angry. 

“You’re alive, sure,” he replied, carefully reaching out to touch my shoulder. “But this ain’t living. This hostile… bitterness you’re carrying, it’s not what life’s supposed to be like. Especially not for a kid.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, guilt filling my lungs as another failure was added to the list.

Dad bent down, forcing our eyes to meet, and smiled. “Don’t be sorry. It ain’t your fault. Just… let us help you. Let me help you, sweet girl.”

With tears building in my eyes, I answered, “Okay. I… Sorry I’ve been making it so hard for you.”

He pulled me into his arms and kissed my head. “You make my life, all our lives, better just by bein here. All we want is for you to see that…” He pulled away, taking my face in his hands and smushing my cheeks the way he thought was funny. “Come on. Let’s go start livin, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The sound of the alley door opening spurred me back into motion. As I headed up the stairs to the apartment I could hear Jake's steady footsteps following me. His movements didn’t sound rushed or hesitant, just steady. My heart hammered in my chest and my head filled with a hundred thoughts, a hundred voices all shouting different things at me. Jake appeared in the stairwell, hands in his pockets as he put one foot on the bottom step before stopping himself. “Now a good time to talk?”

The longer I looked down at him the quieter my mind got. Nodding I opened the door and shrugged. “As good a time as we’re probably gonna get.”

He trudged up the stairs with a faint smile on his face and all the noise, all the extra baggage weighing me down fell away. The smell of alcohol, faint cigarette smoke and Jake’s colognue reminded me that I was here. I was in this moment, not the ones in Tony’s paintings or in picture frames. I was here. I was alive and now I wanted to live.

Jake stepped inside and quietly watched me as I closed the door behind him. “You okay?”

“Yeah!” I replied, clearing my throat and taking a tensely casual position by the table. “Why wouldn't I be?”

He shrugged. “You seemed to be kind of somewhere else today… after seeing that painting.”

My jaw clenched as the ugly emotions in me wanted to return. “Yeah… That wasn't great but, I'm okay now.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.” I laughed a little to myself, forcing my body to focus on that feeling of steadiness and safety that Jake’s presence brought me. “Besides, we have other stuff we need to talk about, don't we?”

Now he looked just as nervous as I felt. “Yeah.”

“We're kind of horrible at this, aren't we?”

Jake nodded in agreement, chuckling before he spoke, “Yeah… okay… Fuck it, I'm just gonna start. Neither of us do well with labels,” Jake offered before quickly stammering over his own words. “Not that I'm against labeling this as… Whatever. I just mean…”

“Why put a label on things when we're still figuring out exactly what things are?” I finished, ignoring the slight sting of disappointment that festered in my chest by focusing on the wave of relief.

“Exactly.” He scratched his head and cleared his throat. “So… We… keep it casual.”

“Casual,” I agreed. Casual was fun, predictable but most importantly safe. Casual was familiar to both of us and given everything that had happened - changed in our lives and in our friendship - maybe that was a safety net we both needed. 

Casual.

Jake nodded, taking a careful step forward. “If someone were to ask what we were… What would we say to that?”

I watched his lips, resisting the urge to end all the tedious talking by kissing him. “We'd say we're casually seeing each other? Friends with benefits? Fuck buddies? Whatever feels right to you I'm fine with.”

“So, you're a girl I'm seeing… casually?”

Nodding I forced myself to meet his eyes, not that it helped either of us stay on track. “And you're a boy I'm seeing casually.”

Jake's hands slid around me, urging me to lean into him. With that simple touch, everything else faded into the back of my mind. I felt myself relax into him, my body finally able to focus on those tingling sensations of desire and excitement. “And since we're seeing each other, casually, it'd be perfectly normal for us to kiss, right?”

“I think it'd be expected, really.”

“Good,” he mumbled, running his thumb over my lower lip. “I liked being your friend and all, but I don't think I can go any longer without fucking you again.”

As if it had a mind of its own my tongue slipped out to lick his thumb and tug it between my teeth for a second. I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing, teasing… Testing the waters… Inviting him to fuck me as much as he wanted? “Well, what are you waiting for?”

Smirking, he brushed my hair behind my ears. “That.”

His lips further erased every ounce of tension, guilt, disappointment, and fear from my lungs. The way his hands cradled my face replaced everything with a warm fuzzy sense of safety. The painting, Howard, Simone… Nothing else mattered. As long as I had this, him, somehow I knew everything would be alright. 

When he pulled back for air he smiled with a quiet sigh. “This is how our morning should have gone. Sorry about Simone.”

“It's alright. We’re here now.”

“Mmm,” he hummed, leaning back down towards me. “I haven't been able to think about anything else all day.”

Before our lips could connect again I threw one last taunt at him, “I knew you liked being my friend.”

Jake rolled his eyes, warm hands sliding down my cheek to take hold of my hips. “God you're insufferable.”

I ran my hands down his chest and whispered against his lips, “You like it.”

“Shut up.” Our lips finally touched, soft hands quickly turning into heated grabs at one another's clothes.

With a half step forward Jake pressed me into the back of a kitchen chair. His tongue invaded my mouth as his hands pulled my sleeves away from my shoulders, clearing a path for his lips and teeth to follow. The way his lips felt against my skin was something that made me shiver. Jake was… How had he put it? Adept in the art of pleasure? Smug bastard… And completely right.

“God,” Patrick groaned the second he opened the door. His hand slapped over his face, covering his eyes and sighing in defeat. “Guess I should get used to that now that you two are officially a thing.”

“Casually,” Jake and I both corrected.

My brother blindly made his way around the kitchen table. “Yeah yeah, “casually” whatever ya say. Just keep alla that “casual” touchy-feely shit in your room or something.”

“Sorry,” we both mumbled watching Patrick run into his bedroom door before quickly opening it and fleeing inside.

I nodded to my bedroom door and smiled as I tugged Jake toward it. He followed, pushing the door closed behind him. I practically pounced on him, pressing my chest into his as I pulled his head down to reconnect our lips. Jake stumbled slightly causing the door to rattle. Before we could say anything else Irish folk music blared through Pat’s speakers. A crystal clear message.

“Shhh,” I whispered against his collarbone with a giggle. “We have to be quiet!”

“I'm not the one that needs to worry about that.” To prove his point he took a handful of my ass and ground himself against my core, pulling a sharp - loud - moan from me.

“Nope! I'm leaving!” Patrick shouted as the music turned off. “You two have an hour before Pete gets back! For the love of god, be done before then!”

I smirked at Jake. “Now I finally have you all to myself.”

“Looks that way,” he replied. “You gonna entertain me?”

“Of course! What kind of host would I be if I didn't?”

His eyes sparkled with lust as he watched my mouth move. “Well, what's your plan?”

Leaning in I pressed my lips to his neck, occupying my hands with his belt and starting the slow drag of my body down his. When my knees hit the floor and I'd gotten Jake's pants down I looked up at him, fluttering my lashes and smiling at him. “I'm sure I'll think of something you'll enjoy.”

*

My dearest Lena,

In the unlikely event you're reading this letter I simply wished to send you a simple reminder of my devotion to you. A token of my love will be finding its way to your door soon and soon we will be reunited once more.

Yours, Anthony

Dom stared at the letter, examining each line as meticulously as he would an engine. He needed to know what the sick bastard had planned. Needed to know how to protect her from whatever was coming. Tony wouldn't make it easy or fair. He never did and this time was different. He was braver than before, bolder in his actions than Dom had ever seen him. 

After the beating he'd given him upon hearing all he'd done to Lena, Tony should have been cowering in some far corner of the world. He should have been terrified to even set foot in the city again and yet there he was, in her apartment, waving at her landlord, waving at him. 

The longer he held the evidence of Tony's visit the more guilty he felt for keeping it secret. Lena deserved to know. Her brothers had the right to know about the danger. They all deserved better than he could give them.

With a sigh, he lifted the lighter to the corner of the paper and watched the fire spread to the cursive words in ink. He dropped it into the empty bin and picked the orange flower up off the table before tossing it into the fire too.

He should have killed Tony a hundred times by now. A mistake he wasn't going to make again. Then and there Dom silently vowed that the next time he saw that fuckers face he'd put a bullet between his eyes.

[endlessbittersweetdreams]

"Broken & Beautiful" Chapter 10

     NOTE: For the purposes of this chapter, I’ve tweaked the timeline a bit. You’ll find out what I mean, if you’ve watched all of the episodes of “Sweetbitter.”

     Will and I finish decorating the tree in silence. When he leaves me to work elsewhere, I stay on the second-floor for a few more minutes. This is the perfect place to observe my co-workers as they mill about. I step up to the railing and rest my forearms against it, and then I smile when Jake comes into view. As Jake polishes glasses, I find myself contemplating Will’s words. I know he was just kidding, but those five simple words (“So ... do you love him?”) have been echoing in my mind ever since they were spoken.

     There’s no question that whenever I’m in Jake’s presence, I feel that warm and fuzzy feeling. Even now, standing several feet away from him, I feel that warmth and sense of calmness spreading throughout me. But that isn’t necessarily an indicator that I’m in love with him. Those feelings are just my hormones going crazy.

     Do I find myself thinking about him constantly? Well, yes! Not to the point of obsession, but he does occupy my thoughts at various points throughout the day. I wonder what’s on his mind when he gives me a certain look or when his hand brushes against mine. I try to come up with ways to make him happy. Especially when he’s having a bad day. I worry about him when he begins to retreat into his shell, and I always want the best for him.

     But are these signs that I’m in love with him? I honestly don’t know. I’ve never been in love before. With the exception of Jake, I’ve never even allowed myself to truly get close to a man. It’s ironic, really. Some of the songs that I’ve performed, and even some that I’ve written, focus so much on the concept of love. But I’ve never really experienced it before. I guess you could say that I’ve been afraid of it, in a way. But maybe, just maybe ...

     Jake must have realized that I’ve been watching him, because now he’s looking up at me. He gives me one of his small, but genuine smiles, and I return the favor. Contemplating the mysteries of love - or whatever it is that I’m feeling - will have to wait. I have a bar to tend to.

     It’s my day off from work, and Jake and I are lounging on my sofa before he has to start his shift. We do this very rarely, due to the fact that we’re both night owls who tend to sleep in when given the chance. But today he showed up at my apartment unannounced, bearing coffee and donuts to shoo away my annoyance.

     After enjoying our breakfast in the kitchen, we migrated to the living area. I’m sitting upright while Jake has his head resting on my lap, stretched out on his back. His eyes are closed as I play with his hair, and for a moment I think he may be falling asleep.

     “So, I have something to tell you,” he announces.

     “Does it have anything to do with my birthday?” I ask with a grin.

     He chuckles. “No. Nice try, though.” He opens his eyes and looks up at me. “Scott and I ... We’ve been thinking about opening up our own place.”

     I blink at him, my still-sleepy brain a little confused. “Your own place?”

     “Yeah. You know, for a restaurant ... or a bar.” He laughs softly. “Scott calls it ‘a bar with food.’”

     “You and Scott are going into business together?”

     Jake sits up and pulls me to him, so that now I’m snuggled up against him. “Maybe. You and I both know he wants to get out from Howard and Maddie’s thumb, so he can make his own food.” There’s a brief pause, and he begins to play with my hair. “And I ... Well, I have the house on the Cape.”

     “You do?”

     “Yeah. I mean, it’s Simone’s house. But it’s part mine, too. If we sell it, I should have enough money to put towards this thing. What do you think?”

     I think about it for a moment and then say “I think it’s a good idea. And if you really want to do this, I’ll support you.”

     “You will?”

     Jake seems genuinely surprised, and I straighten up to look him in the eyes. “Yes. I know Howard makes you miserable. And if you really want to take a chance on this, I say go for it.”

     He shrugs. “It’ll probably never happen. There are a lot of things to consider.” I nod in agreement. “Just, umm ... don’t say anything to anybody. Especially Simone. I haven’t told her yet.”

     I stare at him in shock. I thought Simone would be the first to know. But now, as it turns out, that privilege has been given to me. I give him a fond look and a brief kiss. “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”

     He gives me a smile and he seems to light up a bit. Then he begins to stand up as he says “I’d better go to work.” I follow him to the door and he opens it, pausing in the doorway to look at me again. “See you tomorrow?” I nod, and we exchange another brief kiss. “Get some sleep. Sorry I woke you.”

     I wave at him and lean against the doorframe, watching as he leaves. I lock the door and decide that I’m too lazy to crawl back into bed. So I curl up on the sofa and wrap my throw blanket around myself, letting out a happy sigh. I can think of only one thing before I drift off to sleep.

     I’m pretty sure I’m in love.

     It’s just six days before my 29th birthday, and Jake and I have finally discussed how we’re going to celebrate. We’re keeping it simple. A nice, quiet dinner at a location Jake has yet to disclose. He’s managed to get Saturday night off, which means that we’ll be able to celebrate on the actual day of my birth instead of some other day. This also means that on Friday night, I’ll be free to go dancing with the others as planned. Jake, as it turns out, does not dance. Ever. So ... needless to say, he won’t be joining us. But at least I’ll have him all to myself on my birthday.

     Since accepting the fact that I may actually be in love with Jake, I’ve debated whether or not I should tell him. The very reason he was spooked a while back is because he realized that he had feelings for me. Would finding out that I love him spook him again? I suppose that, at least for now, it’s best to keep my feelings to myself. At least, until I can manage to get over the dread that builds up in my stomach every time I get close to letting those three little words spill out.

     That blessed time that we call “Shift Drinks," has finally begun. After learning Jake’s location from Ari, I enter the kitchen and begin to make my way to the basement. I take my hair down and run my hands through it, preparing for yet another one of our after-work make-out sessions. I’m in a rush as I descend the stairs that lead to the basement level, my heart already pounding in my chest. I see that the basement door is open, and I’m about to step through. But I stop short when I hear Jake and Simone arguing. I know I should walk away to give them privacy, but I remain frozen in place instead.

     “I’m not going to the fucking Cape, Simone!”

     “Of course you are. I need you. You know that.”

     “You don’t listen to me! You never do!”

     “Jake, don’t you think you’re being over-dramatic? It’s just one weekend!”

     “Christmas weekend!”

     “We go to the Cape for Christmas every year, Jake. This isn’t something new!”

     “Yeah! And every year, I sit in the corner ... bored out of my mind, while you make small-talk with people you don’t even like!” There’s a brief pause. Though he lowers his voice a bit, I can still hear what Jake says next. “I want to spend Christmas with Lilah. You know that.”

     I smile at this, but then frown at Simone’s sarcastic response.

     “Why? Because she’s special to you?”

     “Yes. As a matter of fact, she is.”

     “Oh, please, Jake! You and I both know that you’re going to grow tired of her. You’re going to do the same thing you always do with women. You’ll dump her, and she’ll be left devastated.”

     Jake’s tone is soft. “That’s not going to happen.”

     I hear Simone scoff. “Why?”

     “Because I --”

     “Don’t tell me you’re in love with her.”

     My heart seems to stop as I hold my breath, waiting for Jake’s response. When no response comes, Simone lowers her tone. She now sounds patronizing. Devious, even.

     “We’ve known each other a long time, Jake. No one will ever know you the way I do. Remember that.”

     My mouth falls open in shock over what I’ve just heard. For as long as I’ve known Simone, I’ve sensed a manipulative air about her. But I just wrote it off as paranoia. To be honest, I’ve tried to push down that gut feeling - “women’s intuition," I guess you could call it - for my boyfriend’s sake. I know how important Simone is to Jake, and I’ve done what I can to maintain some sense of peace with her. But it never occurred to me that my “women’s intuition,” would be right in this case.

     Their argument has ended, and I make a break for it before I’m caught eavesdropping. I feel dizzy and a little sick to my stomach, but I make it back to the bar. There’s an empty stool, and I sit down in a daze.

     “Hey. You okay?” Will asks.

     “Umm ... Yeah. I just ... Can I have some whiskey?”

     He blinks at me, but pours a shot anyway. “You hate whiskey.”

     “Yeah. Well, things change.”

     I down the shot and ask for another, desperate to calm my rattled nerves. I watch as Simone pushes her way through one of the kitchen doors, looking composed as she talks Howard into walking her home. I down the second shot, swallowing the bile that creeps up my throat. A few seconds later, Jake enters the room. I observe him, and I feel a pit form in my stomach as he grabs a large bottle of hard liquor from one of the shelves. He steps out from behind the bar. As he starts to walk past me, I reach out and lightly grab his arm.

     “Jake, are you okay?”

     “I’m fine,” he lies. “I’ll catch up with you later.”

     I stay frozen in place, watching as he leaves through the customer entrance. I know I should follow him, but I can tell that he’s in one of his ‘I want to be alone’ moods again. There’s a chance that he could be headed back to his place to drink away his frustrations. But even then, he shouldn’t be alone.

     Deciding that it’s worth the risk of being pushed away, I leave through the same exit he chose. As soon as I’m on the sidewalk, I scan the area for him. I look left. Right. Straight ahead of me. No sign of him, whatsoever. The air is bitter cold, and I cross my arms in front of my chest in an attempt to keep myself warm.

     “Is everything okay?”

     I don’t turn to Will as I continue to scan the area for Jake. It’s like he’s disappeared into thin air. My voice breaks as I answer. “No. Something’s wrong with Jake. He just took off with a huge amount of alcohol, and I have no idea where he went.”

     “He probably went home,” Will suggests.

     “Yeah. Maybe. I just ... I’m worried about him, Will.”

     “I know you are.” Will steps in front of me, trying to get my attention. But I’m still busy looking around for Jake. “Look. Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll go back inside. You’ll call his cell. If he doesn’t answer, we’ll search for him. Okay?” Tears sting my eyes as I nod reluctantly. “Okay. Let’s get you inside. It’s freezing out here.”

     Throughout Shift Drinks, I obsess over calling Jake’s cell. I don’t know how many times I’ve dialed his number. But every time he doesn’t answer, that pit inside my stomach grows. My friends, with the exception of Scott, have decided to forgo going to Home Bar just in case they’re needed.

     “That’s it,” I announce, grabbing my purse and stepping down from my stool. “I’m tired of waiting. I’m looking for him.”

     Will immediately takes over, issuing orders as though he’s elected himself the leader of this search party. “All right. Sasha, Heather, Ari: check out his favorite haunts. Anywhere you can think of. Lilah, Tess and I will check Jake’s place. If he’s not there, we’ll keep looking. Keep in touch.” Before we head out the door, Will tries to give me a comforting look. “Lilah, we’ll find him.”

     It’s been an hour since we began our search, and we still haven’t tracked Jake down. I’m trying not to panic, but the knowledge that he isn’t at his apartment doesn’t make it easy on me. At least if he were in his apartment, he’d be warm. Now he really could be anywhere. It’s too cold for him to be wandering around, drunk off his ass. Tess and Will are trying their best to reassure me, but their words of comfort mean nothing to me. I won’t feel better until I know where Jake is; until I know that he’s safe.

     I’m in the middle of checking my cell phone when it rings. A picture of Mack, the owner of the bar I live next to, appears on the screen. I answer it on the second ring and blurt out “Hey, Mack. Now isn’t a good time. I --”

     “Hey, Lilah. I just wanted to let you know that I found some drunk guy sitting on the stoop outside your building. Says he knows you.”

     My heart leaps in my chest. “Mack, is his name Jake?”

     “Yeah. I think that’s his name. You know him?”

     I let out a relieved sigh. “Oh, thank God!” Tess and Will stop to look at me. “Mack, he’s my boyfriend. Is he okay?”

     “Well ... yeah. I mean, he’s drunk as Hell. But he’s okay. He’s in my office, warming up. You wanna come get him?”

     “Yes. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Keep him there. Tell him I’m on my way.”

     A short cab ride later, we arrive outside Mack’s Bar & Grill. While Will pays the driver, Tess and I make our way through the crowd and to Mack’s office. I brush past Mack and immediately head over to Jake, who’s awake but definitely three sheets to the wind.

     It takes a while, but Will and Mack manage to coax Jake into getting up off of the sofa. With Jake in-between them, they’re able to walk him over to my building. When confronted with the stairs, Mack slings Jake over his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. Once we’re in my apartment, I instruct Mack to put Jake on my bed. He does so and gives me a small smile at my words of gratitude before he leaves.

     I take off Jack’s boots, pull the blankets over his semi-conscious form, and set a trash can within arm’s reach. He’s lying on his side, his eyes closed. I brush a few strands of black hair off of his forehead, and he sighs at my touch. I can’t help but smile at this, even though I’m still upset.

     I join Will and Tess in the living room, taking off my coat and throwing it onto the sofa. I thank them for their help and assure them that I can take it from here, promising Will that I’ll call him if I need anything. After they leave, I lock the door and turn off the lights. I’m too stressed and exhausted to deal with changing into pajamas. Since I can’t stand sleeping in my jeans, I slip them off. Thankfully, I opted to wear leggings underneath my jeans today.

     I check on Jake, satisfied that he seems to be sleeping soundly, and settle down next to him. I’m about to go to sleep as well, when he calls out to me. I turn to face him, reaching out to touch his shoulder when he shifts a bit. “It’s okay, Jake. I’m here.”

     He seems to settle when he feels my touch, his voice slurred when he speaks. “Sorry.”

     I snuggle up to his back, wrapping my arms around him as best as I can. Deciding that my anger can wait until tomorrow, I give him a kiss on his shoulder through his sweater. “I know.”

     He sighs softly. “Mmm. Feels nice.”

     He quiets down, and I figure that he’s drifted off to sleep. I’m about to do the same, when I hear him say two words that make my eyes go wide and my heart skip a beat.

     “Love you.”

@anastacia-lynn

@mypsychoticlove

[fucktheroyals]

Okay Sweetbitter is incredible actually. First four episodes? Literal hell for anyone who can't stand secondhand embarrassment. But the rest is so so good!!!! The best parts are when the show makes it apparent why they cast as good an actor as Tom Sturridge tho. He's ridiculously sidelined most of the time, and most of my favorite character bits are the times Sasha and Scott are giving time to shine and when the main character and Simone do girl bonding. I LOVED that part until... Episode 6? But OOOH MY GAWD. Tom's acting is a gift we do not deserve.

[of-foolish-and-wise]

my year in books

read/goal: 50/50

top 10:

How Much of These Hills is Gold, C. Pam Zhang: In my opinion, a contemporary classic. Weaves Chinese myth with stories of the American Gold Rush. Beautiful prose and valuable takeaways re: family, truth, and gender.

A Little Devil in America: Notes on Black Performance, Hanif Abdurraqib: Essay upon essay of mind-plowing poetics and storytelling. Hanif's version of Baldwin's Devil Finds Work. A wide swath of topics from blackface to spades to magic.

Writers & Lovers, Lily King: Came to me at the exact right (or wrong?) time, just when my father passed away. A keenly-observed novel about grief and persona that is something like if Sweetbitter met Normal People.

How to Write an Autobiographical Novel, Alexander Chee: Inspired me to get over myself and just start writing again. The essay on roses absolutely floored me.

Lose Your Mother: A Journey Along the Atlantic Slave Route, Saidiya Hartman: Hard to stomach, but necessary. Foundational for the way I am thinking about neo-slave narratives and speculative historical fiction.

Seek You: A Journey Through American Loneliness, Kristen Radtke: The minute I read this, I added it to the syllabus for my class on women in isolation. Part graphic novel, part longform essay, part research paper, and wholly extraordinary.

The Sonic Color Line: Race and the Cultural Politics of Listening, Jennifer Lynn Stoever: This one's just for me. The burning core at the center of my reading list and the inspiration and model for my scholarship.

The Street, Ann Petry: Read it because of the book above, but an absolute banger of a book. Devastating ending. Would be extraordinary taught alongside Native Son.

The Fifth Season, N.K. Jemisin: This book has everything. Polyamory. Earth-bending. An alien creature frozen inside a giant piece of rock in the middle of the ocean. Love this woman, love seeing Blackness-as-default in sci-fi novels.

Fun Home, Alison Bechdel: You read it in high school for a good reason. A true exemplar of the genre and a fascinating way to teach non-chronological storytelling.

rest below the cut

Camera Lucida, Roland Barthes

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, V.E. Schwab

Brothers & Keepers, John Edgar Wideman

Bunk: The True Story of Hoaxes, Hucksters, Humbug, Plagiarists, Forgeries, and Phonies, Kevin Young

Ninth House, Leigh Bardugo

House of Earth and Blood, Sarah J. Maas

Children of Virtue and Vengeance, Tomi Adeyemi

Emergence of Cinematic Time: Modernity, Contingency, the Archive, Mary Ann Doane

An American Sunrise, Joy Harjo

Nabokov's Favorite Word is Mauve: What the Numbers Reveal About the Classics, Bestsellers, and Our Own Writing, Ben Blatt

Rule of Wolves, Leigh Bardugo

The Lightning Thief, Rick Riordan

Savage Preservation: The Ethnographic Origins of Modern Media Technology, Brian Hochman

The Obelisk Gate, N.K. Jemisin

The Stone Sky, N.K. Jemisin

People We Meet on Vacation, Emily Henry

The Gentleman's Guide to Vice & Virtue, Mackenzi Lee

The Yellow Wallpaper, Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Legendborn, Tracy Deonn

Josh & Hazel's Guide to Not Dating, Christina Lauren

In Cold Blood, Truman Capote

The Race of Sound: Listening, Timbre, and Vocality in African American Music, Nina Sun Eidsheim

One Last Stop, Casey McQuiston

One to Watch, Kate Stayman-London

Time Binds: Queer Temporalities, Queer Histories, Elizabeth Freeman

Gideon the Ninth, Tamsyn Muir

Echo and Narcissus: Women's Voices in Classical Hollywood Cinema, Amy Lawrence

An Extraordinary Union, Alyssa Cole

It Ends With Us, Colleen Hoover

Harrow the Ninth, Tamsyn Muir

Algorithms of Oppression: How Search Engines Reinforce Racism, Safiya Noble

Listening in: Radio and the American Imagination, Susan J. Douglass

How to Fail at Flirting, Denise Williams

The Flat-Share, Beth O'Leary

Radio Voices: American Broadcasting, 1922-1952, Michele Hilmes

Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art, Scott McCloud

The Souls of Black Folk, W.E.B. Du Bois

The Love Hypothesis, Ali Hazelwood

The Road Trip, Beth O'Leary

We Ride Upon Sticks, Quan Barry

[cutsliceddiced]

New GIF tagged food, cooking, perfect, starz, chef, kitchen, scott, season2, salmon, sweetbitter, plating, episode203, all ready, jimmie saito via Giphy https://ift.tt/2MzX4u2 via https://cutslicedanddiced.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/how-to-prevent-food-from-going-to-waste

[andsoshespins]

Consumed in 2020

Since this was a year I am already tired of describing as or hearing described as “like no other,”  I’ve decided to compile a list of media I have consumed for a different take on the “year in review” idea, roughly in chronological order. 

Most of these--in any category--I ADORED and raved for weeks and months about.  Others were just a time-passer, I would never revisit or even recommend.  I have probably forgotten a few movies here and there.

I think cataloguing in this way helps me to reflect on just how much I consumed and the variety (or maybe lack thereof in some places), contemplate what I was feeling at the time of consumption, what the state of the world was at that moment, why I was drawn to certain storylines and not others, what some of these books, movies, and shows remind me about myself.

Books

The Power by Naomi Alderman

Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery (reread)

Anne of Avonlea by L. M. Montgomery

Anne of the Island by L. M. Montgomery

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Circe by Madeline Miller

The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware

Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

An American Marriage by Tayari Jones

City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert

Sweetbitter by Stephanie Danler

This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald

A Head Full of Ghosts by Paul Tremblay 

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling

The Book of Longings by Sue Monk Kidd

Harry Potter series (currently rereading)

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (currently)

New-to-Me TV

Anne with an “E” (season 3)

Soundtrack

GLOW (season 3)

Locke and Key

Never Have I Ever

Hollywoodland

Gilmore Girls

Medici: Il Magnifico (season 3)

Outlander

The Magicians (ongoing/hiatus)

Merlin (ongoing/hiatus)

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

The West Wing

Fleabag

The Mindy Project (This was mostly new-to-me.)

Emily in Paris

Grace and Frankie (ongoing)

Girl Meets World (ongoing)

Bunheads (ongoing)

Rewatched TV Series

New Girl (This was half-watched and half-new-to-me.)

Boy Meets World

Lizzie McGuire

Movies

Someone Great

The Danish Girl

Love Wedding Repeat

The Stranger (with Orson Welles to disambiguate)

Sleepless in Seattle

Hamilton (I guess this counts, right?)

Iron Man (1, 2, and 3)

Thor: Thor and The Dark World

Captain America: The First Avenger; The Winter Soldier; and Civil War

The Avengers: The Avengers and Age of Ultron

Ant-Man

Doctor Strange

Guardians of the Galaxy (1 and 2)

an unremarkable handful of Hallmark Christmas-themed movies

[olivieblake]

My ask got cut off for some reason. I’m reposting it here. fair enough! tumblr is, as we know, coded by squirrels

Hi Olivie,

Let me start by saying that I love your writing, both form and content. I’m always so entranced, no matter the genre or pairing. you are so kind, thank you My native language is French and I’ve always felt confident with my writing skills, I sharpened that ability for years. 

Now I’ve been living in an English-speaking country for over five years and although I’ve earned a master’s in literature, I still lack vocabulary to excel at writing. I am limited when writing fiction and nonfiction alike and it drives me crazy as someone who built her identity on being a writer and scholar. not to interrupt you here, but part of my origin story is that my grandfather, an immigrant from the philippines whose native language is a rural northern dialect, is the only person who has ever told me to be a writer. I paused to think about it because he said something similar to this when I was a teenager—he said one of his biggest sources of stress is how difficult it is to express himself the way he wants to, and that seeing as I was a person gifted with words, I should use them. For the longest, I believed it to be the only thing I was good at. I doubt that! But I understand. Because I admire your prose, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing the novels you currently read or have read in the past. I thought they could help me broaden my vocabulary and develop better syntax. that’s a good plan. reading is always helpful to expanding vocabulary, and I have a tendency to pluck books from different genres because they are inhabited by different voices I know you have the S.P.E.L.L and I also plan on buying Sweetbitter, since you tweeted about it. The first paragraphs really hook you! it’s such a good book!! for the record we will probably read it for S.P.E.L.L. in one of the coming months because it contrasts directly with my choice for December, but yes, of course! I may need to think about this more but here is my goodreads with stuff I’ve read since march of this year, and a few titles off the top of my head:

My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante

Enigma Variations by Andre Aciman

The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin

The Seven or Eight Deaths of Stella Fortuna by Juliet Grames

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab

Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff

I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith (this is my favorite book from my teen years but I still love it)

Henry and June by Anaïs Nin

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

The Library at Mount Char by Scott Hawkins

Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter

Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

I know there’s more (of course) so I’ll revisit this when I think of other titles! I’m also writing this without my bookshelf for a reference so it’s just everything coming randomly to mind.

Lastly, I think I’ve said it before but you made me transition to fanfictions written in English. Actually yours are the only ones I read in this language. You inspired me to pick back up when I felt defeated !!!! and thought I’d only be able to enjoy writing in French. There’s this thing going around on Twitter about picking one food, one movie or one author to read for the the rest of your life, and for me it would be you. omg You are eclectic in your genres, diverse in your pairings, innovative in your plots and poetic in your prose. Although your style is very distinct, you embody novelty. this might be my favorite compliment ever Thank you. I’ve loved books before but never followed an author for their brand. thank you so, so much. I do get bored easily, which explains my tendency to slightly reinvent with each story; I’m aware that frustrates some people in the fanfic world who are coming to fandom for the express purpose of consistency. I’m very glad you find it valuable, though, because it is definitely not going to change any time soon. thank you for following me wherever I go, because I know that is a compliment in itself. in general, thank you. I really can’t thank you enough. (also, I will read those books you told me about so we can discuss them!)

Your work is amazing. you are amazing. I am grateful to have you here!

[kattra]

What I’m Reading

BOOKS OF JUNE For Today I Am A Boy by Kim Fu The House of Binding Thorns by Aliette de Bodard  Feed by M.T. Anderson Feed by Mira Grant ** Trigger Warning: Short Fictions and Disturbances by Neil Gaiman (SS) Brida by Paulo Coelho The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid ** Mrs. Sherlock Holmes: The True Story of New York City’s Greatest Female Detective and the 1917 Missing Girl Case That Captivated a Nation by Brad Ricca (NF) Roses and Rot by Kat Howard Deadline by Mira Grant This Is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper  Girl Waits With Gun by Amy Stewart  Heart Berries by Terese Marie Mailhot (NF) Whatcha Mean, What’s a Zine? by Mark Todd & Esther Pearl Watson (NF) What I Didn’t See and Other Stories by Karen Joy Fowler (SS)  Save the Date by Morgan Matson  Chaotic Good by Whitney Gardner ** Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman 

Graphic Novels: Black Magick Vol.1-2 (Awakening, Awakening II) by Greg Rucka & Nicola Scott Alex + Ada Vol.1-3 by Jonathan Luna & Sarah Vaughn Bloom by Kevin Panetta & Savanna Ganucheau  A Girl Called Echo Vol.2 (Red River Resistance) — Vermette/Henderson/Yaciuk Mirenda Vol.1 by Grim Wilkins  Archie: 1941 — Waid/Augustyn/Krause/Fitzpatrick/Morelli 

(104 books read / 200 books goal)

currently reading:  Tao Te Ching: The Tao and the Power by Lao-Tzu (NF) The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur (P)  Sweetbitter by Stephanie Danler  Pop: How Graphic Design Shapes Popular Culture by Steven Heller (NF)  No Good Deed by Goldy Moldavsky 

* - re-read // ** - 4+ star-rating on my goodreads (recommended) GN - graphic novel // NF - non-fiction // P - poetry SS - short story collection // AB - audiobook 

TBR: Blackout by Mira Grant Rayne & Delilah’s Midnight Matinee by Jeff Zentner  If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio The Friendship Cure: Reconnecting in the Modern World by Kate Leaver (NF) Human Dark With Sugar by Brenda Shaughnessy (P) 

WHAT ARE YOU READING? :D

[cheapcakeripper]

The Last Kingdom Audition/Casting Trivia

Jeppe Beck Laursen as Haesten https://vimeo.com/161766163, Jeppe originally auditioned for a different, minor role in February 2015, a month later they asked him to read for Haesten, he was told he got the role 3 weeks before the filming started in May 2017

Stig Henrik Hoff as Dagfinn https://vimeo.com/185203669 and as Gelgill https://vimeo.com/164552706

Brida’s casting call was for an American or British actress, Emily Cox did e-casting and then she was invited to a casting with producers, after she’d been cast she’s been taking part in auditions for other main roles

Lewis Goody as Sigebriht https://vimeo.com/237632190

Scott Virgo as Uhtred https://vimeo.com/96002107

Alexander Dreymon sent a selftape in April 2014, after sending more self-tapes and doing two screen tests over Skype & in London he finally got the role in September

Alexander Shore as Uhtred https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlbATwSuBPY

Skade casting call was directed at actresses between 20 and 40 years old who should look innocent, but could play malicious, there was a seer scream part required during audition/in selftapes

Roby Schinasi as Cnut https://vimeo.com/232505577

Thea Sofie Loch Naess was approached by TLK production when she was auditioning for a role in “Sweetbitter” in Los Angeles, she filmed her tape in her living room in Oslo

Magnus Samuelson was headhunted by producers to play the role of Clapa

after getting the role of Ragnar the Fearless Peter Gantzler had to overcome his fear of horses

Morten Lützhøft as Gelgill https://vimeo.com/164893877

[callunavulgari]

Scrapbook 2019 | Pt. I

Normal font - meh, it was okay | Italicized titles - enjoyed quite a bit | bold titles - love | titles with an asterisk* - all time favorites | (bracketed titles) - re-watches/re-reads | strikethough - dislike

Goals are: read one hundred books this year, finish five video games, write something novel-length and write something original. These last two goals CAN be combined.

MOVIES

January

(Kingsman: The Golden Circle)

Pitch Perfect 3

February

(Big Hero 6)

March

Geostorm

Captain Marvel

(Thor Ragnarok)

(Avengers: Infinity War)

(Pocahontas)

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Venom

April

(Brave)

(Flipper)

(Spirited Away)

(Breakfast at Tiffany’s)

How To Train Your Dragon 3

Crazy Rich Asians

Matilda

The Death Cure

The Mummy (2017)

(Monster’s University)

Avengers: Endgame

May

Detective Pikachu

Bohemian Rhapsody

The Rim of the World

June

(Zombieland)

Rocketman

The Secret Life of Pets 2

Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse

July

Spiderman: Far From Home

Truth or Dare

(Coraline)

BOOKS

January

Ender’s Game | Orson Scott Card [Fin]

The Poppy War | R.F. Kuang [Fin]

Turtles All The Way Down | John Green [Fin]

Challenger Deep | Neal Shusterman [Fin]

The Bear and the Nightingale | Katherine Arden [Fin] 

Shards of Honor | Lois Mcmaster Bujold [Fin]

(Throne of Jade | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

The Wicked King | Holly Black [Fin]

Vengeful | V.E. Schwab

Elantris | Brandon Sanderson

February

Vengeful | V.E. Schwab [Fin]

Elantris | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

(Black Powder War | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

(The Amulet of Samarkand | Jonathon Stroud) [Fin]

Once Upon a River | Diane Setterfield

(The Golem’s Eye | Jonathon Stroud) [Fin]

(Ptolemy’s Gate | Jonathon Stroud) [Fin]

The Screaming Staircase | Jonathon Stroud

March

Once Upon a River | Diane Setterfield [Fin]

The Screaming Staircase | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

The Girl In the Tower | Katherine Arden [Fin]

The Whispering Skull | Jonathon Stroud

(Empire of Ivory | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

The Two Towers | J.R.R Tolkien

Winter of the Witch | Katherine Arden

Saga, Vol 1 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 2 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 3 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 4 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 5 | Brian Vaughn

Saga, Vol 6 | Brian Vaughn

April

The Whispering Skull | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

The Slow Regard of Silent Things | Patrick Rothfuss [Fin]

The Two Towers | J.R.R Tolkien [Fin]

Winter of the Witch | Katherine Arden [Fin]

Forest of a Thousand Lanterns | Julie Dao [Fin]

King of Scars | Leigh Bardugo [Fin]

The Hollow Boy | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

Mistborn | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Well of Ascension | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Creeping Shadow | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

The Empty Grave | Jonathon Stroud [Fin]

May

Hero of Ages | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

Everything I Never Told You | Celeste Ng [Fin]

The Kiss Quotient | Helen Hoang [Fin]

The Two Towers | J.R.R. Tolkien [Fin]

The Near Witch | Victoria Schwab [Fin]

The Trials of Apollo | Rick Riordan [Fin]

Alloy of Law | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Gentlemen’s Guide to Vice and Virtue | Mackenzi Lee [Fin]

Shadows of Self | Brandon Sanderson

The Dark Prophecy | Rick Riordan

Sabriel | Garth Nix [Fin]

June

Shadows of Self | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Dark Prophecy | Rick Riordan [Fin]

(Victory of Eagles | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

Warbreaker | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

(Tongues of Serpents | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

The Bands of Mourning | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

What If It’s Us | Becky Albertalli & Adam Silvera [Fin]

A Court of Thorns and Roses | Sarah J. Maas [Fin]

Carmilla | Kim Turrisi [Fin]

The Alchemist | Paulo Coelho 

The Eye of the World | Robert Jordan

The Hundred-Foot Journey | Richard C. Morais 

Three Dark Crowns | Kendare Blake

Mistborn: The Secret History | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

The Eleventh Metal | Brandon Sanderson [Fin]

July

The Alchemist | Paulo Coelho [Fin]

The Eye of the World | Robert Jordan

The Hundred-Foot Journey | Richard C. Morais [Fin]

Three Dark Crowns | Kendare Blake [Fin]

Saga Vol. 8 | Brian Vaughn [Fin]

Saga Vol. 9 | Brian Vaughn [Fin]

Codename Villanelle | Luke Jennings [Fin]

Borne | Jeff Vandermeer [Fin]

Crucible of Gold | Naomi Novak [Fin]

The Time Traveler’s Wife | Audrey Niffenegger [Fin]

The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy | Mackenzi Lee [Fin]

The Wise and the Wicked |  Rebecca Podos [Fins]

Sweetbitter | Stephanie Danler [Fin]

Blood of Tyrants | Naomi Novak [Fin]

PODCASTS

January

Adventure Zone Ep 1

EOS 10 s4 1-4

February

EOS 10 s4 4-7

March

The Penumbra Podcast

April

Adventure Zone Ep 2

May

Welcome to Night Vale Eps 30-54

The Bright Sessions -Bonus Eps-

June

Welcome to Night Vale Eps 54-59

The Penumbra Podcast (Second Citadel eps + last two Juno)

July

Welcome to Night Vale Eps 60-

The Magnus Archive Eps 1-11

TV SHOWS BY SEASON

January

Voltron s8

The Flash

Black Mirror: Bandersnatch

February

Happy

The Umbrella Academy

The Flash

Black Mirror

Russian Doll

March 

The 90s

The 2000s

(Sailor Moon)

Maniac

The Dragon Prince

(Inuyasha)

American Gods

April

American Gods s2

Voltron s8

World’s Weirdest Homes

Game of Thrones s8

Brooklyn 99

The Bold Type

Cupcake Wars

May

Schitt’s Creek s1-3

Game of Thrones s8

June

Schitt’s Creek s4

Good Omens

The Terror

Chernobyl

Black Mirror s4

July

Rick & Morty s3

Stranger Things s3

Schitt’s Creek s4

VIDEO GAMES

January

Pokemon Go?

(Kingdom Hearts: DDD, 54 hrs) [Fin]

Pokemon Let’s Go Eevee

Detroit: Become Human [Fin]

Kingdom Hearts 3 - Monstropolis, 20 hrs

Life is Strange, Episode 2, 4 hrs

February

Kingdom Hearts 3, 56 hrs [Fin]

Pokemon Go

Life is Strange, Episode 5, 20 hrs [Fin]

Life is Strange -Before the Storm- Episode 1 complete, 5 hrs

God of War (3 hrs)

March 

God of War (35 hrs) [Fin]

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey (40 hrs)

April

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey (43 hrs)

(Final Fantasy XIII)

Portal 2 [Fin]

Final Fantasy 15 - Episodes Prompto, Ignis, Gladio, and Ardyn [Fin]

May

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey (70 hrs)

Life Is Strange -Before the Storm- Episode 2 complete, 15 hours

June

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey (120 hrs) [Fin]

Rime (1 hr)

Final Fantasy XII: Zodiac Age (1 hr)

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD (2 hrs)

July

Rime (25 hrs) [Fin]

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD (35 hrs)

Witcher 3 DLC: Hearts of Stone [Fin]

Witcher 3 DLC: Blood and Wine (10 hrs)

DELIGHTFUL FIC

January

What Dreams May Come by Lenore | Crimson Peake | Edith/Thomas | 5k |  Ghosts are real, and there are things that tie them to this world. Sometimes it's because they want to linger, and sometimes it's because they are trapped. Sometimes ghosts need the help of the living before they can be truly free.

and prove your body wrong by paperclipbitch | The Defenders | Matt Murdock/Jessica Jones | 1k | Neither of them can read minds, but they both fake it for their day jobs.

these roads will take you into your own country by notbecauseofvictories | American Gods | Shadow/Laura, Gen | 5k | Here’s a joke for you: a Muslim, a zombie, and a leprechaun walk into a bar in Misery, Indiana. No one stares, because no one in the puckered, shitty asshole of Misery, Indiana gives a fuck. The Colts are playing.“Fucking new gods,” the leprechaun mutters, hunching his shoulders almost up to his ears. “Gridiron and Pepsi commercials.”

Small Step For Man by Toft [archived by yuletide_archivist] | Greek Myth | Artemis/Apollo | 4k | "It's all right, sister," Apollo whispers, and his arm is warm around her shoulder. She forgets, he is her twin, he is her other half; he knows her almost as well as she knows herself. "We're still the same."

learning curve by Yuu_chi | Detroit | Hank/Connor | 15k | “While sexual activity is not my default purpose, I do possess the capability,” Connor says without so much as batting an eye, unaware that he’s completely shattered Hank’s world view in one single sentence.

machine learning by kriegersan | Detroit | Hank/Connor | 31k | “This kinda shit doesn’t go away overnight. It’s only been a few months, Connor. We’re only just starting to know what this is gonna look like.” Lt. Anderson throws back his beer.“You think I don’t know that?” He sounds defensive. He tempers his voice. “I’m simply processing.”

eighteen wheels on an uphill climb by blackeyedblonde | Detroit | Hank/Connor | 73k | Hank is going to die. He’s going to die right here in Kentucky, 53 years old, halfway to broke, and tragically sober. Survived only by a nine-year-old St. Bernard and the 31-year-old twink who delivered the fatal blow.

Fuck pride (pride only hurts, it never helps) by ImogenGotDrunk | Detroit | Nines/Gavin | 40k | What Gavin cannot deal with is Connor’s replica; two inches taller, blue-eyed, and with a mouth that Gavin doesn’t know whether to punch or take between his teeth. The RK900 model has been assigned as his partner for the foreseeable future.

linguistics, semantics by pseudoanalytics | DBH | Hankcon | 49k | "So, what? Cyberlife gave you a preference for ugly, old, washed-up bastards?" Connor intentionally allows himself to appear unamused. "Absolutely not." He waits for Hank to look at him again before delivering his punchline. "I believe I developed that for myself."

Skin Deep by bughnrahk | DBH | Hankcon | 50k | Hank is 53 years old. He's never had a soul mark, doesn't have a soul mate. And he's fine with that. He cheated the system once and it cost him everything he had. Never again.When August 2038 rolls around and the number '313 248 317 - 51' appears on his arm in perfect Cyberlife Sans font, exactly where a soul mark should be, Hank wants nothing to do with it.

Watch Me, Watch You by elefseus (oscillos) | DBH | Hank/Connor | 82k | WIP | "How do you go about living when everything you've ever known changes? Can you?"

the most formidable lies by fshep | DBH | Connor/Gavin | 15k | WIP | Gavin is given an ultimatum: agree to give his mother’s coworker’s son a chance, or introduce his family to his new boyfriend, Connor, who isn’t his boyfriend at all.

February

and we'll figure it out by consumptive_sphinx | Temeraire | Lawrence/Tharkay | 1.5k | Everyone is born with their soulmate's name written on their skin, somewhere. Laurence has two names. Neither of them are in a script he can read.

Propriety and Fate by esama | Temeraire | Lawrence/Tharkay | 3.5k | It isn't as if one can go and talk about such things

Watercast by Fishwrites | Voltron | Keith/Lance | 205k WIP, Chapter 15 | Shiro has been a Galra prisoner for over a year; with his flight feathers clipped and unable to fly. Desperate to escape, he jumps overboard while being transported to the capitol on a Galran ship. Lance is a merman who saves him from drowning. Keith thinks Shiro is about to become mermaid dinner. Hunk just wants Lance to stop going to the surface all the time, dammit!

Afterlife by jaegermighty | Haunting of Hill House | Gen, Luke-centric | 6k |  Leigh and Steve name their daughter Eleanore, with an 'e' on the end which is more old-fashioned, they say. Eleanore Olivia Crain. Lots of dead people in that name; Luke's not a fan. Not that anyone asked his opinion.

in memoriam by oxymoronic | Bartimaeus | Gen | 1.5k | Kitty Jones has but a little strength left in her body, and she has decided on this lazy summer's night to spend it on the question which has plagued her for half a century.

March 

Second Chances by rootbeer | Teen Wolf | Sterek | 2k | "A lot of times the ‘markings’ were common, simple things you said to strangers all the time. 'Excuse me'; 'thank you'; 'hello'. Some got extremely romantic things like 'it’s you isn’t it? I’ve been waiting for you' or 'Wow you’re really pretty'. And they were always the first words their soulmate would ever say to them.Of course, having 'You are the fucking worst kind of person in the world' tattooed down your side, didn’t bode well.

have your cake and eat it too by keskasi | Naruto | Naruto/Sasuke | 7k | “What’s it like to give a blowjob?” Naruto asks.

Timing it Right by DragonBandit | The Bright Sessions | Mark/Damien | 14k | Damien's gold rises at Whitney. Mark tries to make things right.

April

and maybe you'll find a way to keep me a floating when i can't by LazyBaker | Stranger Things | 3k | Billie’s tough. Nothing but sharp edges with sharper teeth. She’s all bark and all bite.

A thousand by Ever-so-reylo (Ever_So_Reylo) | Star Wars | Reylo | 3k |  “I’m going to kill you, now.” The problem is—really, the crux of all of Rey’s problems at the moment—he actually thinks he means it.

He Who Is Made Of Iron by MayContainBlueberries | The Queen’s Thief | Gen, Costis centric | Tea reminds Costis of his childhood.

May

for my wild by vixleonard | GOT | Arya/Gendry | Set post 8x04, Arya tries to find out who Arya Stark is now.

Almost Cool by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Shane/Ryan | 30k | While filming the Yuma Territorial Prison episode, Shane gets bitten by what he thinks is a bat. Spoiler alert: it's not.

Two Worlds Collided by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Shane/Ryan | 10k | There's a new guy at work and Ryan belatedly realizes they've actually already met once before.

Keeping Out the Cold by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | After a strange ghostly encounter, Ryan and Shane begin sharing visions via a telepathic bond. AKA: the In Your Eyes AU that no one asked for.

Bringing Things Together by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | 7k | “Look,” Shane says over the phone. “Mistakes were made.”

Pride by astolat | Game of Thrones | Jaime/Cersei/Brienne | 22k Jaime didn’t understand why Cersei suddenly insisted on trimming his hair and shaving his beard, but he also didn’t care to fight her on it, even though he’d just as soon have kept the beard: it was bitterly cold in the small tower room with its arrow-slits. At night, even curled together under the two blankets they’d been allotted, it took the better part of an hour before their bodies could warm the bed enough to sleep.

L'aura è tua messaggera by Rosyredlipstick | PJO | Nico/Will | 9k | Or, how the Stoll Brothers accidentally got Nico di Angelo and Will Solace together.

June

Competition by astolat | GoT | Jaime/Brienne | 11k | Almost the instant Brienne was out of earshot, Bronn turned to Podrick, jerked his head towards Jaime and asked, “Has he fucked her yet?”

Skin and Scales by Ernmark (M_Moonshade) | The Penumbra Podcast | Arum/Rilla/Damien | 17k | The man glares, and this time, Damien is certain it isn’t a trick of the light: those eyes are violet as amethyst. He wears disdain like a second skin–- or, perhaps, like the scales that he is missing.“Lord Arum?”

I will become yours and you will become mine by spiderwebsitar | DBH | Reed900 | 24k | After an argument with his new partner, Gavin Reed wakes up five years in the future married to an android who won’t stop making fucking waffles.

Numerology by Hth | Schitt’s Creek | Patrick/David, Sebastien/David | 20k | Still, it's true that Patrick can have his shy side. He likes to be a gentleman – Mr. Order Whatever You Want I'm Paying and Mr. Here Let Me Fix That For You and Mr. No David Not In the Backseat I Want It to Be Special – so David can't entirely rely on Patrick's willingness to charge forward for the greater good.

someone you like by caela | She-Ra | Adora/Catra | 5k |  catwithabat u think ur so hipster but u just look like a lesbian 27m she_ra @catwithabat bc… i’m a lesbian. lmao 5m

Ugly Words and Pretty Things by Ias | The Terror | Crozier/Fitzjames | 4k | There are words for a man like that.

Sands of Time by tirsynni | LoZ | Link/Ganondorf | 97k | Link awakens in the desert with no idea how he got there, to encounter his worst enemy...except it was the King of the Gerudo, not the King of Evil, he faced.

death shall be no more by Ias | The Terror | Fitzjames/Crozier | 5k | "I'd rather we leave our tents behind and sleep two to a sack like the orphans we are, than to leave one man alone with last burdens."

and then redemption by spidermooned (softlyblue) | Marvel | Spiderman & Loki | 7k | "Kid," says Tony Stark wearily, "Please gimme a reason Loki's been spotted talking to Spiderman that isn't 'I wanted to be his friend'. Please. Tell me you can do that."

so many ways to talk about longing by lymricks | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 3.6k | Steve wakes up--in a pool lounger--to Billy Hargrove looming over him. Billy pushes his sunglasses down and Steve thinks sleepily that it must be so that Steve gets the full impact of Billy’s narrow-eyed glare. “Harrington,” Billy says. “We’re fucking closed.”

sun gutters by lymricks | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 5k | Steve can feel Billy’s eyes on him. “You should get here early,” Billy says, casually. “Tomorrow. At six.”

Finders Keepers by blacktofade | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 3k | Ryan wakes with a hangover and an empty bed, and only one of them he expects.

Back Room by forthegreatergood | Good Omens | Aziraphale/Crowley | 5.6k | Aziraphale actually does have quite an extensive collection of pornography in the bookshop. Like most of the questionable things in Aziraphale’s life, it’s Crowley’s fault.

killed with kindness by veterization | Persona 5 | Akechi/Akira | 52k | Goro can't quite figure out why so many people keep acting like they're his friend.

July

On mandated uniforms and workplace entertainment by Thei | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 2k | Robin loves this job. Besides an income, it also provides her with quality entertainment. Especially when she's working with Steve, and Billy Hargrove shows up.

don't make a shadow (of yourself) by lymricks | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 11k | WIP | And Billy, curled in a cheap plastic seat with his eyes squeezed shut, wonders, could it really be this easy? Just get on a bus and go home?

paper thin by sarcasticfishes | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane/Sara | 9k | Shane’s new neighbors are a morning-sex kind of couple.

your love is three times better by sarcasticfishes | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane/Sara | 14k | Ryan grimaces as he types out the words, >It’s Valentine’s Day. Don’t you want to do romance stuff?

you, through half-shut eyes by brawlite | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 8k | Two parts sugary sweet summer vibes, one part snarky instagram stories, and three parts mutual pining.

damn.nation, now available on itunes by antistar_e (kaikamahine) | Good Omens | Crowley/Aziraphale | 11k | When lowly tempt-pusher Amphora (formerly of Stairwell 7B North, before she Fell,) gets the notice that end times are nigh, she gleefully quits her job and cancels her Netflix subscription and takes her place among the legions of hell.This, it turns out, was a bad plan.

The Dragon and Her Wolves by hapakitsune | Game of Thrones | Sansa/Dany/Jon | 60k |  When the truth of Jon's birthright is revealed, control of the North and Daenerys's claim to the Iron Throne are both called into question. To preserve their tenuous alliance and secure her rule, Daenerys puts aside her personal feelings to arrange a marriage of political convenience between Jon and Sansa Stark.

Bonded by softestpunk | The Witcher | Emiel/Geralt | 13k | Regis is punished for Dettlaff's assumed death, Geralt comes to the rescue, and the two of them gain something neither of them would ever have dared hope for.

Something We Were Withholding Made Us Weak by triedunture | Good Omens | Aziraphale/Crowley | 17k | "Yes, exactly. Retire." Aziraphale reaches for the last remaining tartlet brimming with summer berries. "Somewhere along the south coast, perhaps."

something happens and i'm by brawlite | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 10k | Billy loves his job as at the Hawkins Community Pool. It's even better now that Steve Harrington's a lifeguard, too.

break up with your girlfriend ('cause i'm bored) by thecopperkid | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 15k |  @umissedconnections: Bambi eyes. m4m. i was rippin cigs in the sae p-lot. u made urself puke 2 make room 4 more beer. incredible? ur my hero PLS say ur into guys

I’m Gonna Keep You in Love with Me (for a While) by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 22k | “Okay,” Shane says finally. “Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re just going to—we’re going to be married. The only way out is through.”“Um,” Ryan says, because this plan strikes him as counterproductive to their shared goal of not being married.

YELLOW SQUARE by dejavu (suggcest) | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 16k |  “Since being the scene of those two, grisly double homicides in the early 1950’s, the Bringle House Bed and Breakfast has sat empty, waiting for the next couple stupid enough to try to stay all four nights.”

darling it's a faded notion by varnes | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 28k |  Ryan and Shane get cursed by a ghost, and now they can't be not-touching. It's ... not great.

Things That Go Bump in the Night (and 7 till 12 at weekends) by HoopyFrood | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 4k | Shane works at a Haunted House. Ryan is Ryan. Things go about as well as you'd imagine.

Everything's Weird and We're Always in Danger by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Ryan/Shane | 15k | “It won’t go away,” Ryan says miserably. “I’ve been like this since we got here, basically, and it won’t fucking—”

Muscles Better and Nerves More by beethechange | Buzzfeed Unsolved | Shane/Ryan | 26k | “I’m serious,” Ryan says. “Don’t go fucking up my body. I want that shit back in the same condition I left it.” 

DELIGHTFUL FANVIDS

January 

(Marvel) Avengers | True North 

A Sad Man With A Box

►Dance to 2018

Collab Parts (2016-2018)

just a machine? [Detroit: Become Human] *HBD Pteryx*

【Detroit｜Become Human】Way Down We Go

She-Ra AMV | I'm Just Your Problem (Catradora)

multifandom || 2018 (the way I remember it)

Detroit: Become Human || Paralyzed

in the end | connor & hank | detroit: become human

BELIEVER - Connor ( Detroit:Become Human ) GMV

who are you? | Connor | Detroit: Become Human

Detroit Become Human - Connor ~ Blood in the Water

Connor - I'm So Sorry by Imagine Dragons [Detroit: Become Human] GMV

» whatever it takes (connor; detroit become human gmv)

Detroit: Become Human / Connor and Hank / Uptown Funk

Would You Kill?| Connor RK800 [Detroit: Become Human]

Rude Boy | Connor | Detroit: Become Human

hold on | connor & hank | detroit: become human

Interstellar | STAY

sabrina spellman *:･ﾟ✧ [look what u made me do]

Stranger Things || Blood in the Water

February

(GoT) Margaery Tyrell || The Queen

Kingdom Hearts 3 EPIC AMV/GMV - Part of the Journey is the End

My Hero Academia AMV - The Greatest Show

Endgame | The Man Who Killed The Avengers

MARVEL || Not Today

March

Marvel/DC || FRICTION

Luke & Nell || There's no without

MARVEL || Blood On ME

What is a STORY?

TUA | Swallow Us

(SW) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Whispers of the Past

Quentin & Eliot || Beautiful nothing

queliot; peaches + plums

Way Down We Go | Red Dead Redemption 2

Marvel || Together

steve x bucky || answer

part to act on [Harry Potter]

April

marvel || supercharged

(Marvel) Avengers || The Big Three -- Iron Man/Thor /Captain America

Guardians of the Galaxy

CAOS || Welcome To The Jungle

Marvel || Rise or Fall

Avengers | Sacrifice [4K]

(Marvel) Tony Stark | I love you 3000

May

(Marvel) Captain America || I Stand Alone

(GoT) Daenerys Targaryen | See What I've Become

Ser Jaime Lannister

Arya & Sandor // Thank You [+8x05]

Kingdom hearts 3 |Dearly Beloved| AMV |

June

(GoT) Cersei Lannister || The Queen Of The Seven Kingdoms

(GoT) The Dragons || They're My Children

(GoT) Melisandre || A Champion Of Light And Life

Bioshock & Infinite - Never The End (Epic and Beautiful Fanmade Video)

Bioshock Infinite : Constants and Variables : Music video/Tribute

Crowley & Aziraphale ][ Don’t Stop Me Now || Good Omens

Crowley ][ Rebel Just For Kicks || Good Omens

i'm the bad guy | villanelle.

mission accomplished • connor RK800

The Haunting of Hill House || Empty hands

Mad World ✘ The Umbrella Academy

July

(GoT) Daenerys Targaryen || The Last Dragon

Steve Harrington [Burn The House Down]

max&eleven | my blood.

Billy Hargrove [Bury a Friend]

Max Mayfield [Rebel Just For Kicks]

billy hargrove | gasoline.

Stranger Things | Heroes

✥ STEVE HARRINGTON ✧･ﾟ: * HANDCLAP {+S3}

billy hargrove | lovely.

stranger things 3 | blood in the water.

Steve Harrington; I Need A Hero

Kilgrave ][ Bad Guy

billy&steve [harringrove] || a little death (+s3)

Avengers | Sacrifice [4K]

Stranger Things || Shelter

Kilgrave ][ Rule The World || Jessica Jones

Ben & Rey | What do you see?

Billy Hargrove - RIP to my YOUTH

a thing about life.

(SW) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Whispers of the Past

The Avengers | Unreachable Star

Steve Harrington || Another One Bites the Dust

DELIGHTFUL MUSIC

January

Dark Night - Kara | Philip Sheppard

Carousel - Kara | Phillip Sheppard

They All Look the Same - Connor | Nima Fakhrara

Curse of the I-5 Corridor | Neko Case

Way Down We Go | Kaleo

Gasoline | Halsey

Sleep All Summer | Neko Case

Hold On, Hold On | Neko Case

Dreaming at Daybreak | Ann Licater

Can’t Leave | Whiskey Charmers

Voodoo Mon Amour | Diablo Swing Orchestra

Undo - Transviolet

Xuanzang - Gareth Coker

Almost - Hozier

Movement - Hozier

Dancing in a Room - EZI

Snow Dancer - Antti Martikainen

Burned Out - Dodie

Epic (pt 2) - Anais Mitchell

Mercury - Honey and the Sting

February

Spanish Sahara - Foals

Obstacles - Syd Matters

If You Still Believe - SIE Sound Team

The Expanse - Through Juniper Vale

The Woods - San Fermin

Sophie - The Altogether

Tom Thumb - Bitter Ruin

Wolves of the Revolution - The Arcadian Wild

Mitchell: Epic III - Cast of Hadestown

Hamilton soundtrack

The Spine - Transistor soundtrack

Don’t Think Twice - Utada Hikaru

Face My Fears - Utada Hikaru

Take On Me - Hidden Citizens

Moonlight Sonata - Hidden Citizens

Waves - chloe moriondo

Alligator Teeth - Mother Falcon

We All Become - Darren Korb

Ashes - Bear McCreary

Journey and Transistor soundtracks

March

The Sailor Song - Autoheart

It’s Quiet Uptown - Kelly Clarkson

Fernando - Cher

Dinner & Diatribes - Hozier

The Fly By Night - Taktsugu Muramatsu

Wake Up, Moving On - Kevin Penkin

April

Austin Wintory Radio

Resurrections - Lena Raine

Fight For You - Hidden Citizens

Mine - BazziIn the Flame - Darren Korb

Paper Boats - Darren Korb

May

Thedas Love Them - Trevor Morris

The Dawn Will Come - Trevor Morris

King - Blue October

Lemonworld - Ocean Alley

Still Feel - Half Alive

Carry On - Kygo

Longshot - Catfish and the Bottlemen

Call Off Your Ghost - Dessa

Sucker - Jonas Brother

Power Over Me - Dermot Kennedy

A Hole In the Earth - Daughter

Lunatic Fringe - red Rider

June

Ummah Oum - Kaya Project

The Fortress - Kaya Project

Good Omens Opening Title - David Arnold

A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square - Tori Amos

A Future for the Krogan - Christopher Lennertz

Ганджу - brain tumor

last piece | Lykke Li

Bite - Charlie Cunningham

Wait For Me - Hadestown

Nightmare - Halsey

Kaya Project albums!!!

Birds - Imagine Dragons

Crazy - Patsy Cline

Can’t Help Falling in Love - Elvis Presley

in waves playlist

July

in waves playlist

Rime soundtrack

2017 soundtrack

bury a friend - billie eilish

bored - billie eilish

the seed - aurora

how do you - elderbrook

quicksand - x ambassadors

what’s up danger - blackway 

bad guy - billie eilish

sunflower - post malone

scared of the dark - lil wayne

elevate - dj khalil

be still, my tongue - snorri hallgrimsson

dark matter - les friction

must’ve been - chromeo

magnets - disclosure, lorde

secrets - the weeknd

feels like summer - childish gambino

the hunter’s mark - erutan

johanna in space - stephaen sondheim

POSTED FIC

January

N/A

February

children of dust and ash | Bartimaeus |  Bartimaeus/Kitty(/Nathaniel) | 1,801 words |  Kitty summons Bartimaeus on a chilly fall day in her thirty-eighth year. 

March

sweet music playing in the dark | DBH | 1,102 words | “I noticed some time ago that you seem to have an appreciation for jazz.” Connor pauses, his fingers hesitating over an old Billie Holiday album. “I’d wondered if that meant you enjoyed dancing as well.”

April

N/A

May

Radio Ga Ga | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 1,143 words | There’s always another party in Hawkins, Indiana. It would be almost boring if it weren’t for Steve Harrington.

June

Sunlight | Marvel | Loki/Thor | 765 words | They aren’t quite out of the solar system when Loki appears at the arm of Thor’s chair, hair shorn short and a furious snarl on his face. 

July

like the bough of a willow tree | Detroit Become Human | Hank/Connor | 1,214 words | There’s a human lost in his woods.

knocking on heaven's door | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 1,748 words | “Just, get in the fucking car. I’ll drive you home.” Billy looked at him, very seriously, and said, “What if I don’t want to go home?”

WIPS | UNPUBLISHED | ORIGINAL

January

like the bough of a willow tree | DBH | Hank/Connor | 1,286 words | There’s a human lost in his woods. Fae!Connor   

hankcon valentine’s exchange fic | DBH | Hank/Connor | 985 words | slow dancing and kisses in the dark basically

February

N/A

March

N/A

April

Sunlight | Avengers | Loki/Thor | 746 words |  They aren’t quite out of the solar system when Loki appears at the arm of Thor’s chair, hair shorn short and a furious snarl on his face.

May

N/A

June

Untitled Original | Ghost + rain | 817 words

July

Reverse BB | 5.6k

FANMIXES/GRAPHICS

January

N/A

February

N/A

March

June

in waves playlist

[thepaintedlady00]

Nightshade

Chapter 17 | Chapter 19

Chapter 18: Double Double Toil And Trouble

TW: as per usual language, drinking, smoking, mention of drugs, some depictions of abuse this chapter, some gangish stuff, violence, flashbacks, a hint of suicidal tendencies, some blood, use of a slur (the F slur), Eddie's a flirty asshole but we love him, some deep conversations with Daddy Oz & a tender moment or two, costumes, fake horror (it's Halloween y'all), supportive friends that also make fun of each other, some smutty themes 👀 Enjoy the wild ride that is this chapter y'all! I edited it really quick so please ignore any mistakes I missed! AO3 is also not working for me. I know they've been having issues all day and I'm not sure if they've fixed it or not yet, but I'll be keeping my eyes peeled and will get this chapter up there as soon as possible.

Edit: It is now up on AO3!

"-Fire burn and cauldron bubble!" Quinn wiggled her fingers in my face, dramatically cackling.

I brushed her hands away, shaking my head at her dramatics as I reminded her, "Halloween is still like four days away."

"So?" She questioned. "I'm not allowed to be in the spooky spirit?"

"You're allowed to be in whatever spirit you wanna be as long as you keep that spirit outta my face," I responded.

She put her hands up at her sides, eyes widening and brow arching. "Well damn! Somebody's grumpy today!"

I shook my head. "I'm not grumpy."

"Spill it," she urged, leaning on the hostess stand.

Normally I'd just wait her out. An easy enough thing to do, considering Quinn's impatience. Sadly, that wasn't an option when she stood inside my workplace just an hour before we were supposed to open back up for the night. So, with a careful look over my shoulder at the bar where Nicky polished glasses, and Jake began pre-slicing the garnishes, I sighed. "I'm playing nice with Simone, and she's been… Taxing today."

With a glance at the second floor, where the blonde was setting tables Quinn smirked. "Want me to hit her?"

"No!" I growled. "What part of playing nice would make you think hitting her is a good idea?"

"I never said it was a good idea," Quinn defended. "It'd be fun, though."

"It would," I whined, planting my face on the hostess stand. "It really would."

My friend gave me a pat on the back, carefully rubbing my shoulders. "What'd she do this time?"

I shrugged. "She's just… Everywhere. Helping me with my jewelry in the locker room, insisting on doing my hair, reminding me to double-check the reservations, to smile, and just everything."

"Okay, that's annoying," she agreed. "Why the fuck is she doing all that now?"

"I opened the door," I replied bitterly. It was a term Quinn, and I had used often, mostly referencing relationships with people we knew were going to be toxic as hell. Opening the door was essentially allowing someone with a reputation for turning your offered step into a mile a chance to do so again.

Quinn was notorious for chasing off men Prue had unintentionally opened the door for, while she herself opened the door to very few. Those she did open it to were usually the worst sort of people. People like Simone.

She clicked her tongue and shook her head at me. "It's been a hot minute since you opened the door. I think I'm gonna gloat."

I deserved that. The last time Quinn let an ex get away with too much, I was pretty smug about it. "Gloat away."

Her eyes narrowed. "It's no fun if you're fine with it. The least you could do is make some fuss."

"Holy shit, would you ju-"

"Lena," Simone interrupted with a polite smile. "So sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to remind you that it's the Peterson's anniversary tonight, so we'll want to show them an extra warm welcome."

Grinding my teeth through the smile, I nodded. "Thank you for reminding me. I'll make a note of it." Again. I thought, thinking about the four other times she'd reminded me.

"Excellent," Simone said, carefully lifting a hand to fix my hair before she set off toward the kitchen. Jake smiled at her as she passed, and that smile slowly extended to me.

"Jesus, look at that dumb smile," Quinn said, peering over my shoulder at Jake. "You're so fucked."

“Royally fucked.”

“He looks like he’s gonna start asking you to hang out with her for like… fun.”

I jabbed my finger in her face. “Don’t even say that!”

She rolled her eyes and slapped my hand away. “Relax, I’m sure he’ll take your polite refusal very well. It’s her I’m worried about. She’s treating you like a doll. It’s creepy.”

Olive strolled out of the kitchen as if on cue, smiling at Simone’s glare. “Yeah, well, considering the recent loss of her other plaything, I’d say it’s to be expected. After everything I said to her, I just didn't think I'd be her next target."

“It’s still working here?” Quinn asked in a seething tone as Olive made her way toward us.

“Hello,” she said, smug and self-important and very… Simone like. She looked Quinn up and down, taking in the sight of her witch attire. “Making some fun plans for Halloween?”

Quinn’s tongue was quicker and sharper than mine as she sized up the faux red-haired woman. “We already know what our plans are for Halloween.”

Olive smiled, foolishly meeting Quinn’s challenge. “Let me guess, a party at that run-down, old bar?”

"Yep.”

“Sounds interesting may-”

“You even think about showing up, and I'll tear that ugly ass red off your head faster than you can say desperate."

Olive took a moment to consider her opponent, likely thinking Quinn would be less of a threat because of her "simple" dancing background. That, of course, left out the years of fighting she'd done to survive in this city with no connections. Quinn took a step forward, that crazy gleam in her eyes and a smug smile tugging up the corners of her lips. Try it. She dared without words, but Olive heard it. She heard the crazed and wild challenge in Quinn, and with an abrupt clearing of her throat, she backed down. “I wouldn’t set foot in that bar again even if someone paid me. Besides, I have other plans."

Quinn nodded, a winning smile spreading on her lips, bearing her teeth to Olive. "I'm sure you do."

Quinn's body relaxed the second she was gone, and she nudged my shoulder. “Don’t forget we’ve got the hat drawing tonight.”

“Right,” I sighed. “What are the choices again?”

“Fuck if I know. That’s Prue’s department, remember?”

“Shit. That means we’re in for some very elaborate choices.”

She rolled her eyes. “Relax, I’m sure it’ll be fine!”

I gave her a look. “Says the woman that had to come up with a whole ass Sailor Moon costume in like three days.”

She nodded, chuckling at the memory. “Riiiigghhtt. We really should do costume picking earlier, shouldn’t we?”

“Probably.”

Her eyes drifted to Jake, and that sly smile returned. “If you could get your pretty bartender to dress up as something, what would it be?”

I glanced at him, focusing on that dark hair, the quickness of his hands as he sliced the lime in front of him, those deep waves of focused blue eyes… He glanced up, catching my gaze for a split second as I turned away. “Jake’s not going to dress up. He’s far too grown up for that sort of thing.”

“Would you just humor me for once?” Quinn complained. “What would you die to see him dress up as?”

“You know this answer!” I insisted, giving her that look.

She knew instantly what I meant, rolling her eyes. “Egon from Ghostbusters. I should have known.”

I shook my head, blushing slightly at the mention of my old childhood crush. “Shut up! At least my answer is simple, unlike your insane fantasy about the Scooby Doo gang."

Quinn smirked, biting her lip at the lewd thought my words brought back to her mind. She shrugged. "I'm bisexual. Sue me."

She moved past me, heading toward the bar. "Where are you going?"

"I've gotta give my girl a goodbye kiss," she replied with a dumb happy smile.

"Disgusting," I teased, watching her approach Ari, who beamed at the sight of her.

Sasha sashayed out from the main dining room, making a face at the display in front of him. "Ugh, young love. Absolutely horrifying, isn't it?"

My eyes drifted to Jake as he sent me a quick wink. "Yeah, it's the fucking worst."

*

Jake was in unusually high spirits. It was an odd feeling, the lack of weight on his chest, the ability to breathe freely for the first time in a long time. It was so odd that he sometimes caught himself holding his breath, waiting for an ache… For something to force that pressure back onto him. But then he just had to look at the beam of red hair standing at the hostess stand, and air filled his lungs again.

Lena was like a beacon, bathed in the low afternoon sunlight. She stood at the hostess stand, her shoulders holding a visible tension as she quietly worked. The stiffness Lena held whenever Simone would speak to her didn't go unnoticed. In fact, it was something that made him tense as well. Jake would always hold his breath for a few seconds, watching closely for signs either woman was bearing their breaking point with the other.

Simone was calm and polite, as she always was, and while Lena mirrored that, he could tell it was something that didn't feel as natural to her. Still, he appreciated the gesture more than she would ever know. It wasn't until Quinn strolled through the front door, dressed in a cheap witch costume, that he saw that tension lift even just a little. He couldn't hear their conversation, but it was Quinn, so he could only assume it was something mildly inappropriate.

As he worked, he caught her multiple glances, smirking at each obvious one. Jake liked her glances - liked the way his body felt beneath the crystal-like gaze of her stare. It made him feel important and desired and perhaps even a bit naked. Lena was the only person, aside from Simone, that could read him as though he were an open book. She saw every emotion and could practically read his mind all with her eyes. An addictive feeling, one he had no quarrel in chasing after.

Quinn happily made her way past the redhead, moving straight for Ari with purpose in her heeled steps. He wasn't at all surprised when she pulled the curly-haired woman into a sweet and lustful kiss. For a quick moment, Jake imagined what it would be like to kiss Lena like that. Out in the open, unafraid and uncaring of who saw them… 

This thought was quickly washed away by the sound of Quinn's hand clapping on top of the bar. "You look awfully chipper today."

"I was having a very good time til you showed up," He teased.

She rolled her eyes. "Please, if anything, I've improved your day just by stopping by."

"Whatever you say."

"So, got any plans for Halloween?" She wiggles her eyebrows. "Got a costume in mind?"

Jake shook his head, continuing his work. "I don't do costumes."

Quinn acted surprised, but he could tell she wasn't. "Why not? They're so fun!"

"I'm not thirteen anymore," Jake replied with a flippant scoff.

Quinn's face hardened slightly, an offended and protective look filling her eyes with fire. "You should be more grateful. Some people don't get a chance to be thirteen." His head tilted slightly, noting her words but more so the tiny look over her shoulder at Lena. Interesting. "Anyway. I have a question for you."

"Which is?"

"What costume do you think our darling redhead would look good in this year?"

His eyes slid to Lena, taking in her form as she squabbled with Sasha. From where he stood, she looked like an angel, bathed in light, bright and glowing. "You ever see that Romeo and Juliet movie?"

Quinn's face scrunched up slightly as she chuckled. "The one with Leonardo Dicaprio?"

"Yeah." He shrugged, suddenly feeling silly. "She'd look good as Juliet. You know, from that scene where they first meet or whatever."

"The angel," she replied, looking at her friend. "A wonderful suggestion. See? I knew you'd be helpful."

He rolled his eyes at her. "Have a good day, witch."

She called, giving Ari one last kiss and a soft look. "See you tonight?"

Ari smiled wider and nodded. "Of course."

"Goodbye, servants!" Quinn hollered to the rabble, kissing Lena's cheek as she left.

Even after the door had closed, Ari was still smiling, a bright look in her eyes he hadn't seen even when she was high out of her mind. A longing, but a fulfilled-looking one. He would never admit it, but part of him felt jealous, a feeling he buried as he turned to catch another of Lena's glances.

*

I swiftly carried the plates back into the kitchen, gingerly setting them down on the table for Scott to glare at. “Table four says the chicken is dry.”

“God fucking…” He huffed, turning and tossing the food in the garbage. “Refire, two chicken!”

My eyes wandered to the station near the back, where a bright-colored bandana was still absent. “Is Isaac not here?”

Scott just shook his head, hurriedly working on the steady stream of dishes. “Said he was sick or something. I dunno. It’s been a few days, though. Have you not heard from him?”

“I called, but it just went straight to voicemail. He texted me an hour later with the same response.”

“Well, at least he’s got the sense to keep whatever he’s got out of my kitchen.”

I stared at the cook standing in my friends' normal place, focusing on the heavy pit that filled my gut. Isaac loved this job. There was nothing that could keep him away, not even a little case of the sniffles. If he was gone, for a whole week, no less, then there was something big going on. Whether that was some sickness, like he said, or something worse, I didn’t know. But, then and there, as I turned on my heel, I decided that after service, I was going to find out.

The night was long, filled with too many people that overcrowded the bar and the entryway. I triple-checked the reservation book, searching the pages for all the names of the guests that showed up claiming to have made a reservation. It was hell trying to appease them and investigate the sudden and unexplainable amount of individuals claiming to have been booked.

While I saw to the guests' comfort, Howard did some investigating. He asked who each guest spoke to when making their reservation but got multiple names of the morning hostess as well as a few prestigious servers that sometimes handled reservation calls. There was a string of phone calls made after that, asking them why they wouldn't check the books before making such reservations, but all of them claimed to have done so and found the time slots empty. There was something deeper going on, but I chose to let Howard handle it so I could focus on Isaac.

Once things started moving, they didn't stop. Everything flew by in a rush of bodies and fake pleasantries, but I hardly noticed any of it. I'd slipped to the back to text Isaac one last time. I have a hot meal from Nana to help you feel better. Can I stop by after my shift?

I expected to be kept waiting again, as all of us that had texted or called him had, but Isaac's reply was instant. That's nice, but I'm not really feeling very hungry. Best to stay away so you don't get what I've got.

That was the final straw. Isaac had been part of our group for years. He'd dated my brother, and never once in all that time did he turn away a meal from Nana or the chance at having company to help him feel better. Something was wrong. I didn't reply, opting to just show up anyway and deal with whatever he was going through when I got there.

I rushed through the last of service and hurried up to the locker room, stripping out of my lavender gown before anyone else even got upstairs. I rushed the dry cleaning bag to Howard's office along with the earrings and necklace he'd lent me. While everyone else passed to get to the locker room, I was already making my way to the front door.

Nicky noted my quick pace with a chuckle and a glass. “Slow down, Red. You move any faster, and we’ll have to replace the carpet.”

“Can’t tonight, Nick,” I replied, drawing Jake’s attention. “I got something I gotta handle.”

Jake turned, looking me up and down with tight-knit brows. “What’s goin' on?”

I shrugged. “Dunno yet. I’m gonna go check up on Isaac. It’s been like a week since anyone's seen him.”

“He lives out in Queen’s, doesn’t he?” Jake asked.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll come with.”

I smirked. “Yeah?”

He nodded, tossing me his jacket. “Yeah. Wait for me.”

While Jake changed, I hopped behind the bar to help Nicky clean everything up. I asked him about how things were at home and listened while the older man gushed about his daughters. He reminded me of my dad in moments like this, ones where the love he had for his family was practically pouring out of his eyes. While it was painful to linger on the memories of my dad and the hole now left in my heart his death left me with, I felt a sense of relief that Nicky’s children likely wouldn't know the horrors too many of us had.

Jake strolled out from the kitchen, pulling his shirt over his head with one hand while he held his jacket in the other. From the bar, I could hear Sasha’s taunting. “You really don’t have to come.”

“I know.”

“There any particular reason why you’re so adamant about joining me?” I asked as we walked out the front door.

“Queen’s is a sketchy neighborhood.”

“I think I can handle a few thugs,” I assured him.

Jake rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Put the jacket on. It’s cold out.”

I grinned, shoving my arms into his leather jacket. “Yes, mother. Oh, we gotta stop by Nana’s real quick.”

With a genuine smile, Jake turned down the street. “Good, she owes me a dessert.”

“Nana owes you a dessert?” I asked, tucking my hands into the warmth of his sleeves.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “She lost a bet.”

“Nana bet you?!”

With a chuckle, the bartender shrugged. “It was just over Quinn’s cake. She bet I wouldn’t find one Quinn liked, and I bet I could. Obviously, given how my shirt ended up covered in mascara stains, I won.”

I smiled up at him, watching the city lights bathe his face in that light that just made him look irresistible. “I’m kind of impressed.”

That devilish grin made my heart skip a beat as Jake replied, "That's what impresses you? Not my good looks or my bartending skill?"

"You know, I almost forgot about your superiority complex." I pinched my fingers together. "Just a little bit."

"Well, guess I'll have to dial it up then."

"Guess so," I said with a fearless grin. "Wouldn't want anyone to forget how amazing you are."

The diner was filled with people when we arrived, a bustling hub of family and food, and fun. We didn't even have a real chance to get through the door before Nana pulled us both into her arms, whispering her prayers. "Oh, my sweet children!"

I borrowed into her spiced perfume and her warmth, letting that rare and fleeting feeling of peace fill me. "How's your night going, Nana?"

She pulled away, holding both mine and Jake's cheeks. "Better now that I have seen you both. Are you staying for dinner?"

"I'm actually here to grab some soup for Isaac."

"Yes," she replied with a thoughtful hum. "Quinn told me he has been ill. I'll pack all his favorites! And you," she pointed at Jake. "I assume you'll want your dessert as well?"

Jake chuckled. "Only if it isn't too much trouble."

Waving him off with an Arabic curse, she smiled. "What do you want, sweet boy?"

"I'll let the expert decide," he deferred, gesturing to me.

"Do you have any sumac left?"

"Lemon?" She assumed correctly.

"You know me too well, Nana."

"Of course I do!" She hurried to the back, emerging with a pile of food and to-go boxes. Jake and I stepped up to the counter and helped her pack it all when she gave me a sly look. "On the topic of wants and knowing, I've meant to ask… What do you want for your birthday this year, my Habibi?"

I sighed and gave her a stiff smile. "You already know my answer, Nana."

"Hadha maratan 'ukhraa?" She sighed and stroked my cheek. "'Ant nur watastahiqu aliahtifal."

I knew the rough translation, having heard the words so many times before. You are a light, and you deserve celebrating. Ignoring the pang of guilt and sorrow, her words filled me with, I nodded to the back. "I'm gonna go say hi to Abdul."

"So I get no answer?"

Rolling my eyes, I kissed her cheek. "I gave you an answer eanzat eajuz eanida."

Nana whirled, the newspaper already rolled and raised to hit me as she shouted after me. "I am no old goat!"

Laughing to myself, I slid into the kitchen where Abdul and the other young cooks were pushed together, slaving over the food.

*

Jake watched Lena scurry away from the old woman with a smile. Nana returned the newspaper to the small holder and shook her head. "Such mischief!"

"She is quite mischievous," he replied.

"Stubborn, too," Nana added, shaking her head. "Every year, I ask what she wants for her birthday. A tradition for all of my extended children, and every year that girl tells me the same thing."

Jake leaned forward slightly. "What does she say?"

"She says: Don't fuss! I don't need anything, Nana."

With a shrug, he considered her reply. "Maybe she just doesn't want anything."

The old woman frowned and shook her head, a deep sorrow filling her eyes as she looked up at him. "No, that is not what it is."

"What is it then?"

She cursed herself quietly. "You are a smart boy, Jake. By now, it is no secret to you that our Lena's past is… It is complicated."

Looking over at the door the redhead disappeared through he nodded. "Yeah, so I've been told."

"It is no one's story to tell but hers," she insisted. "But, you will need to know that her birthday is a very painful and very joyous day."

"Patrick said it was when she got back. Where was she before?"

"An evil place," Nana said with bitter anger. With a quick shake of her head, she muttered another prayer before that anger quickly shifted to pride. "Our girl is so strong. Yet, she still feels the pain that those lost years brought. So, when she says she does not want anything… It is not what she truly feels. She wants so much but does not feel she deserves it because of what was done to her… Because of what she has done."

Jake frowned, the two refocusing on packing the food. In the silence of his own mind, the answers he had raged against the questions that lingered until the words were practically forced from him. "Who was he? The asshole that hurt her?"

Nana met his gaze of burning fire with one of her own. "A man I pray every day you will never have to meet."

*

With the food in hand, Jake and I caught a cab. The drive was quiet, filled with the smell of Nana's food and whatever clearly cheap cologne the cabbie had doused himself in. It felt awkward between us, Jake's playful mood having faded since I returned from the kitchen at Nana's. I could only assume it was because of worry about Isaac or something else that he simply didn't want to talk about at the moment. So, I swallowed my questions and shifted my focus to Isaac.

We approached the apartment with caution. It wasn’t the worst place I’d seen, but it was still very obviously run down and housing multiple gang affiliates. As I knocked, the scuff marks on Isaac’s door made my heart hammer in my chest. “Isaac! It’s Lena and Jake. We've got the food from Nana's.”

There wasn’t an answer, so I knocked again. Jake looked around, taking note of the way a few of the gang members stared at us. “Maybe he’s not home.”

From behind the door, I could hear the floor breaking with movement. With a sigh and a more gentle knock, I said, "Isaac… I don't know what's going on, but… We're here for you. All of us."

The locks clicked, and the door slowly opened, revealing my friend's black and blue swollen face. "Jesus."

A rough sob escaped Isaac's throat, pushing me into action as I stepped into his apartment and pulled him into me. "It's okay. I've got you. I've got you, Isaac."

Jake stayed standing while I sat beside Isaac on his couch and held him. I could tell this wasn’t his first time handling a situation like this, but no matter how many times he’d seen such, he still didn’t know what to do. No one did. I stroked Isaac’s hair and let him cry as he tearfully attempted to apologize for lying to us all. “I’m so sorry, Lee… I-”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Isaac,” I replied instantly. “Nothing.”

He wiped his nose with his long sleeve, only highlighting the cuts on his fingers. “I just didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”

I nodded into his head and gently pulled him back to look at him. “What happened?”

“It-”

“Don’t even try to tell me it’s nothing.” I shook my head. “This is not nothing.”

Nodding solemnly, he sighed. “My ex-boyfriend recently moved back to the city and heard I was doing well. He’s a toxic narcissist, so that obviously didn’t sit well. Apparently, he took it as some sort of insult or something and tracked me down. Almost busted my door down, and then he and some of his buddies beat the shit out of me.” Tears filled his eyes, and the far-off look in them told me everything I needed to know. “They said they’d be coming back, so I just… locked the door and hoped for the best… you know?”

"Did you call Dom?"

Isaac nodded, roughly wiping his eyes. "He said he'd take care of it. I tried calling him a few days ago, but he never answered."

Stay calm, I reminded myself. Dom was a busy man. He had his business to run, other gangs to keep his eyes on, and his attention was still on making sure Tony stayed gone. He cared about Isaac, about all of us, and if he told him he was figuring it out, then he was. These simple reminders did little to keep the frustrated anger from boiling up in my chest. If Dom was too busy to fix this, I'd do it myself. "Give me a name."

"No! Lena!" Isaac gripped my hands tightly. "I don't want you to get involved."

"Isaac." I gently touched his cheek, grinding my teeth together at the way he flinched. "Give me his name. Please."

"He could hurt you," the man insisted. "I would never be able to forgive myself if he hurt you, Lena."

I smiled a gesture that barely concealed my rage. "He won't hurt me. Please. Let me help."

The room was deathly still for a moment as Isaac cried. "Aaron. Aaron Walsh. He lives a few blocks away. But… He - he's got gang protection. You'll never get near him."

I pulled my phone from my pocket. "Yes, I will."

Jake took my place on the couch, holding an ice pack out to Isaac and calmly offering him any reassurance he could think of. "Come on, I'll help you pack a bag."

The phone rang three times before a grunting voice picked up. "This better be important," I could hear a female voice in the background, moaning as she demanded to know why the hell he answered a call. "I'm in the middle of something."

"Eddie," I replied. "It's me."

"Lena!" He cheered with another grunt. "Been a while, kid."

"Yeah, yeah, pull your dick out of whatever hooker you've got tonight and meet me at Ozzy's."

The man laughed. "Bossy, bossy! I take it this isn't a social call."

I sighed, punching the bridge of my nose. "Bring Alexi and Igor."

He shushed the woman. "This is serious, then? Give me a name."

"Aaron Walsh." I looked over my shoulder at Jake as he helped Isaac pack his bag. "I want to be there."

"Is the big bad Lena coming out of her shell?" Eddie mocked before he continued in Russian, sifter than before. "You know what tonight will be. Are you sure you're up for that?"

"I'm not stupid. Get your shit and meet me at Ozzy's." I replied.

"What about him?" Eddie asked, his voice growing tense. "You know it'll be war if he sees me."

"Just do it. I'll deal with Dom."

"At your command," he said with another laugh and a thick accent as he articulated his Spanish, "See you soon."

"See you soon,” I replied back.

Isaac made a fuss over Jake carrying his bag for him but relaxed slightly at Jake’s calm levelheadedness. It was new seeing the bartender so quiet and not smug, but I assumed it was just because this was how Jake was used to handling situations like this. Despite his constant slew of complaints and asshole-ish comments, Jake cared. He cared about the people he worked with, even the ones he didn’t spend a lot of time with, like the kitchen staff - Isaac included. As we drove to Ozzy’s, Jake was nothing but gentle, making sure that the battered and beaten man sitting between us knew he was safe now and that he wasn’t alone.

Ozzy’s was now fully prepared for Halloween, with lights adorning the old brick walls and fake spiderwebs hanging over the doorway. Even the bikers all did their part in making sure their bikes were scuffed up and looking the part to help sell Ozzy’s theatrics this year. We led Isaac inside, shoving people out of the way until we reached the bar, where everyone looked up to greet us. Their smiles all fell.

Quinn and Patrick were the first ones on their feet, steadily making their way toward Isaac and enveloping him in a hug. Prue asked questions, carefully examining him to use what first aid knowledge she had to access his injuries. The restaurant staff was livid, especially the kitchen, but it was my brother's reaction that made my heart sink even lower. 

Peter stood at the edge of the bar, his eyes set in teary anger as he looked at the man he’d once told me he thought he loved. Anger wasn’t something Peter felt often, but when he did… it was difficult to keep his head on his shoulders while he was in that kind of state. So, instead of moving to embrace Isaac like everyone else, Peter disappeared out the back door. Ozzy gave me a calm, reassuring hand gesture as he followed close behind him.

“What’s everyone all riled up about?” Dom’s voice boomed over the music as he and a few bikers made their way toward the bar.

Turning my head to glare at him, I sighed. “Isaac’s been beaten half to death, so everyone’s kind of worried about him.”

Dom’s face turned white as he looked at the bruises and poorly bandaged cuts that littered the kitchen boy’s skin. “Holy shit.”

“He said he called you,” I told him, carefully watching the delayed reaction and the confusion play on his face. “Do you remember that?”

“I don’t,” he answered. Guilt swam in his eyes, along with a misty look that I knew too well. “I-”

"Well shit," a deep and mischief-filled voice boomed from among the crowd. Dom's face twisted in an instant. Shit. Eddie strolled out from the crowd, two of his biggest and best fighters at his sides. He looked Dom up and down with a bitter grin. "You got even uglier than the last time I saw you."

Eddie’s short, dark hair made him look younger, while the tattoos that stained his tanned skin made him look older… more experienced. It was the shit-eating grin of his that really sealed his reputation as the biggest asshole in the world. Asshole or not, Eddie had connections and manpower. He could help me get the justice Isaac deserved. But Dom wasn’t gonna like it. 

The bikers moved, surrounding them in seconds as Dom shoved away from the bar and stormed toward him. "Get the fuck out."

Eddie's smile only grew. "You gonna make me?"

"Sure, I'd love a chance to kick your ass again."

"That time doesn't count," he replied, a deep-rooted sorrow in his eyes. "We both know I was holding back."

Dom shook his head. "Last chance. Leave, or this'll get ugly."

Eddie's brows raised slightly as he put his hands in his pockets. "I didn't stop by just for shits and giggles. I was invited."

"No one here would invi-"

"I called him," I blurted out. All eyes turned to me, even Dom's. The anger was mixed with hurt now, scorching me with that look. "I called him Dom."

"Alley," he growled. "Now."

Jake stood, looking ready to deck Dom in the face. I put a hand on his arm and shook my head. "I've got this."

He took a deep breath before he nodded stiffly. "Holler if you need me."

I smiled, giving his arm a gentle squeeze. "Don't worry, tough guy, I'll be sure to scream your name.

"Promises, promises," he replied with a grin.

Dom had slammed the back door shut behind him. The uncontrolled rage was my first clue that something was off. The sight of him sluggishly pacing was the second. I shut the door behind me, drawing his attention back to me. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that Isaac needed help. And since you have apparently been too busy to answer the phone, I called someone I knew would."

"Jesus," Dom scoffed. "I said I was handling it, so it'll get handled."

Everything was off about him. The anger, the flippant attitude, not already having this whole thing dealt with… All of it pointed to one thing. "Are you high right now?"

He chuckled an entirely angry and bitter sound. "I'm a drug dealer, kid."

"Not one that uses his own product," I replied harshly. "Is this why you haven't been answering your phone? Have you just been getting fucked up all week while Isaac needed your help? What the fu-"

"God, just get off my damn ass about this, Sarah!"

The name broke both of us out of the heated exchange. Anger snuffing out like embers being doused with water. Dom's slightly bloodshot eyes grew wet as he ground his teeth together and turned away from me. I understood the pain that consumed him better than anyone. With a soft sigh and a gentle voice, I said, "I'm not her, Dom..."

"I know."

"I-"

"Don't. Don't you dare apologize," he said raggedly. "You know I hate it when you do that."

"I know."

With a grounding sigh, his back straightened. "Go. Eddie's a fucking moron… He's…" He shook his head. "He can handle this."

I nodded in agreement, carefully asking, "What about you?"

"I'll get my shit figured out."

"Promise?" I asked, almost timidly, holding out my pinky to him. A promise, but also a peace offering.

He looked at my finger, closing his own around it and shutting his eyes, letting one tear roll down his cheek. "I promise."

I carefully wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry."

A choked chuckle made his chest stutter. He held onto me for a second, squeezing me tight in a way that made it clear I wasn't the one he was hugging. Then, he gently nudged me away from him. "Go on."

Nothing I said would offer him the relief he sought. Nothing I said would bring her back. So, I turned and left, moving past the bar and to Eddie's side as he continued grinning and goading Dom's bikers on, hoping for a fight. "Big Brother all done tryin' to play puppet master?"

"Wipe that grin off your face," I replied. "Makes you look even dumber than you already are."

"Anything for you, Sweetheart."

His men stepped in front of us, acting as a wall of muscle as Jake tried to move beside me. I slapped the back of the nearest one, Alexi. "Touch him, and I'll break your fucking arm," I growled in Russian. "He's with me."

Alexi looked at Eddie, who gave Jake a curious look before he waved the men off. His dark eyes gleamed down at me with an unspoken teasing. "Hope your boy has a strong stomach. Tonight's gonna get real messy."

"We aren't killing anyone," I warned him quietly, hoping Jake wouldn't hear.

"Oh, you're no fun sober," Eddie whined as he threw his arm around my shoulder, deliberately cutting me off from Jake. "But, you know I'll do anything for you, Sweetheart."

Jake looked livid as we made our way out of Ozzy's toward the car waiting for us. I slipped beneath Eddie's arm and turned to him. "You don't have to come with me if-"

"I'm coming," he interrupted sternly as he eyed Eddie.

The man made an approving noise saying in Spanish, "We'll see how tough he really is."

"Just wait in the car!" I hissed at him, earning a pinch to my cheek as he followed my instructions. "Jake, this isn't going to be a pretty sight."

"I know that."

Touching his arm, I shook my head. "It's not like the fighting rings or boxing or even Dom's shit. This is… It's going to be a lot. I just want you to know you don't have to be there for it."

Part of me wanted to beg him not to come. What would he think of me when he saw the darkest parts come alive? Would that mild fascination his eyes shined with all the other times he saw me fight finally shift to disgust and fear? Would he finally see me the way I saw myself?

"I'm not leaving you alone with this guy," he finally said.

"Eddie's an asshole, but he wouldn't hurt me." Go home. Please.

Jake's determination didn't falter. "I'm coming with you, Lena."

I sighed. "Jake-"

"This asshole hurt Isaac," he said coldly. "And he's gonna keep doing it if we don't make him stop. I'm coming."

It was then that I finally understood Jake's intentions. He wasn't just coming with me to make sure I was safe, but because he was just as angry as I was that Isaac had to suffer through that kind of pain. More so, he thought he had to suffer alone, a thing both of us knew all too well.

I nodded. "Alright. Just…”

“Try not to get my ass kicked?” Jake asked with a hint of a smile.

I found some small comfort in his attempts to be normal about the whole thing - to act like we weren’t both on our way to kick some guy's ass with a bunch of gang members. It gave me some hint of hope that the insanity that followed me most of my life wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for Jake like it was for so many others. Maybe, when the time came, Jake would look at the darker parts of me and not be afraid. I forced myself to swallow those hopes as we climbed into Eddie’s car and settled into the fine leather seats.

Eddie was insufferable the whole drive. He asked Jake questions clearly meant to get a rise out of him, but he was at least impressed when Jake kept his composure. He was clearly unhappy with the company, but Jake didn’t let it get past a harsh scowl or a snippy comeback. And while Eddie would never admit it, I could tell he was impressed.

The car stopped in front of the alley leading to the apartment building this Aaron Walsh lived in. A group of gang boys approached, hands settled on whatever guns they had as Eddie got out of the car with a grin. “You’re gonna wanna rethink that.”

They kept up appearances as they spat at his feet. “The fuck you doin' on our turf?”

“Got some business with a buddy of yours. Aaron. It’d be in your best interest to let us get it settled without interruption.”

“You gonna kill him?” They asked, looking at one another for a minute.

“Not tonight.”

“Shame,” one of the boys replied. “Guy’s insufferable.”

The biggest of them nodded to the building. “Up the stairs. His place is B8.”

Fishing cash out of his pocket Eddie tossed it to the pavement. "Tell your boss I stopped by."

As we walked, I punched him in the shoulder as he giggled. "Stop being a moron. Mav's gonna fucking kick your ass."

"Relax, sweetheart," he purred in Spanish. "Mav likes me now."

"She does not!" I argued, using the conversation to keep from feeling the rise of anxiety in my gut as we neared the stairs.

Eddie knew, his eyes scanning my face for a moment before he sighed. "Last chance to leave before this gets ugly."

I shook my head, inhaling a deep, burning breath. "He hurt Isaac."

Leading the group up the rickety stairs, I marched across the catwalk and stood in front of the door. Bile wanted so badly to come pouring from my throat as every inch of me trembled with fear and rage. A monster fighting against the shedding of its human disguise. Eddie leaned against the doorframe, hood up and a relaxed nature to him that helped ease me as I pounded on the door.

Eddie smiled wide when it opened. "Trick or treat?"

"What the fuck?" The man asked, taking a defensive stance. In an instant, one pathetically short second, the monster broke free.

My fist collided with his throat, and he stumbled back into the apartment. Eddie laughed. "Well shit, looks like it's trick for you, pendejo."

I stepped inside first, eyes trained on the man as he scrambled to his feet and tried to swing at me. Stepping just off to the side, I let his fist collide with the wall. I grabbed his arm and shoved him back into one of the chairs at the table. His friends, people with bruised knuckles and poorly washed blood-stained clothes, all clamored around, trying and failing to get an upper hand on the sudden attack. 

Eddie shot a warning into the table beside Aaron's head, and everything stopped. With a disappointed sound, he nodded to the table. "Sit down."

"I dunno who the hell you think you are-" Aaron tried to say.

"I am Eduardo," Eddie replied simply. "And you are the man that thinks it's fun to beat up ex-boyfriends."

Aaron's lips twitched into a smile as he chuckled, looking at his friends who joined in despite the two Russians towering over them. "So, the fucking fag is still lying bout me being his boyfriend or whatever? Pathetic." Setting his hand on the table, fingers marred with cuts similar to the ones Isaac had, he shrugged. "Seems there's been a misunderstanding."

The voice that echoed in the dark wasn't Eddie's or Alexi's, or Igor's. It was mine. "You like to play games?"

"What?" He replied with a laugh.

I gestured to his fingers. "Knife game?" 

He shrugged again. "I play on occasion."

"More fun to make other people play, though, isn't it?" I could hardly recognize my own voice. Keeping my eyes far from Jake, still unsure of what I'd see if I looked at him, I grabbed the gun from Eddie's hand, knowing it'd be his trusty revolver.

Aaron smiled, and it was like I could see the scene Isaac had once described play in his eyes like some fucked up movie. I could picture him holding Isaac's arm down and tauntingly urging him to keep his fingers apart, or else as he moved the blade between his fingers faster and faster, cutting him deliberately. "It is pretty fun watching other people try to play a game you control the outcome of.”

"Play the game, Lena," Tony said, spinning the cylinder again.

I flinched at the mechanical sound of it whirling. Tony held the gun out to me, expecting me to take it, but I couldn't move. My body was suspended in a frozen state of shock. With an annoyed growl, he grabbed my hand and put the gun in it, lifting the barrel to my head and forcing my finger over the trigger.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. Click.

"Play." Click. "The." Click. "Game." Click.

He turned the gun on himself, eyes wild as he pulled the trigger. Click. The odd mix of relief and disappointment weighed heavy on my chest as Tony's deranged laugh echoed. With a careless swing of his arm, he turned the gun on the group of housekeepers.

Rada discreetly lifted a hand, urging me to stay in my seat and not draw any more attention to myself. He pulled the trigger again.

Bang.

I emptied the bullets, making eye contact with Aaron as I put one back in and spun the cylinder. "I'm partial to Russian Roulette myself."

Behind me, I could hear Jake make some sort of commotion as I lifted the gun to my head and pulled the trigger once. Twice. Three times. Click. Click. Click. Everything felt surreal, my body acting on its own as my mind lashed out. If I squinted, Aaron looked enough like Tony that I could pretend. 

Inside, I was screaming, clawing at the imagined vision of him sitting smugly in front of me. Outwardly, however, I looked calm. My hands didn't shake. My legs never wobbled. It looked like I felt nothing at all.

"Reign it in, sweetheart," Eddie reminded me, the Spanish helping pull me from the memories and the reflex that came with them. He set a warm, calming hand on my elbow. "He isn't your monster."

This wasn't my monster. My jaw clenched, but my body relaxed. This wasn't about me. This was about Isaac. Aaron took my relaxation as a sign of weakness and quickly reached out for his knife.

Bang.

His knee practically exploded in a gush of blood and a sickening sound. Worthless I loaded another bullet into the gun and spun the cylinder. The knife slid across the floor as I knelt in front of the now screaming man, pressing the now rather hot barrel into the hole I'd shot in him. "I don't want to hear another excuse or lie come out of your mouth."

"I-"

I pulled the trigger again. Eddie clicked his tongue almost in time with the guns empty one. "I wouldn't play games with her pendejo. She's shot more men than you've even tried to fuck."

"You sought out my friend, and you beat him." Those were the facts.

Again he tried to argue, "I didn't even-" Click. "Okay! Okay! Fuckin psycho bitch!"

Click. Click. I could feel him shaking beneath the gun as I picked the knife up from the floor and held it to his throat. "You leave Isaac alone for good now. If you even so much as pass him on the goddamn street, I'll come back here, and I'll slit your worthless throat."

With a pathetic whine and a quick nod, Aaron relented. A sick rush of adrenaline and pride hit me as I stood, handing the gun back to Eddie and pocketing the knife. Eddie gave me a close look for a second, focusing on the blood that I was trying to ignore. “And now?”

“Now you do what you’re good at.”

He smirked, nodding to his boys, who didn’t hesitate to follow his orders. “No permanent damage tonight, boys. Just a good old-fashioned beating like the one they gave to our boy.” He fished an old bandana out of his pocket and held it out to me. “Go get yourself cleaned up, sweetheart. We’ll be right down.”

I took it and turned, eyes locking with Jake’s. Jake. I had almost forgotten he’d come, and then the rush, any good feeling I’d gotten from what happened here tonight, was gone. The shame and guilt and fear. His face revealed nothing about what he thought, eyes closed off, and his posture stiff. I swallowed the lump in my throat and quickly made my way past him down to the corner of the alley, where I was forced to sit by the uncontrollable shaking of my legs.

What was he thinking? I wondered, steadying myself with my hands on the cool pavement. Did he finally see it? The monster I was? Jake walked calmly to my side, lowering himself to sit beside me. With an almost painful sigh, I forced the question out. “Well, what are you thinking”

"I think…" He began, and I closed my eyes and braced myself for whatever hideous word he'd chosen. "That was pretty badass."

"What?" I asked, head shooting up and eyes opening wide, practically gawking up at him.

Jake smiled, sitting beside me and gently wiping some of the blood off my hands with Eddie’s bandana. "Don't look so surprised, princess. You know I like watching you fight."

I shook my head. "That wasn't a fight. That was assault."

"Asshole had it coming after what he did to Isaac. He should consider himself lucky."

"Very lucky," Eddie's voice chimed in as he and his men joined us. "He's alive and won't have any lasting damage. Just like I promised."

I quickly stood up, wrapping my arms around him. "Thanks for showing up. I know it was the last thing you wanted to do tonight."

His strong hand rubbed my back. "On the contrary!" Pulling me off him, he swiped a thumb across my cheek, likely rubbing off some blood. "I've always got time for you, sweetheart. Sabes que."

“Still, you know I appreciate it.”

“I know.” He nodded to his car. “Let’s get outta here before Mav shows up and kicks both our asses.”

“She wouldn’t kick my ass,” I argued. “She actually likes me.”

“Whatever.” He nodded to Jake as he stood, now beside me again. “You didn’t throw up. I’m impressed.”

Jake didn’t look too pleased with Eddie’s slightly condescending tone as he shrugged. “Thanks, I guess.”

The drive back to Ozzy’s was less tense now that Eddie wasn’t actively trying to piss Jake off. They dropped us off at the front door, where Dom and the bikers were assembled, each one of them ready to fight. Eddie made a show of pulling me in for a long hug, and I could practically see his grin at Dom’s angry face. “Don’t be a stranger, sweetheart.”

“Don’t get yourself killed, asshole.”

He laughed as they drove off, and the instant I turned, Dom looked me up and down. “You alright?”

I nodded. “Yeah. You?”

With a tense look on his face, Dom just shook his head. “I’m workin’ on it.”

"So…" Jake said with a tense clearing of his throat as we slowly made our way back inside the bar. "This Eddie guy was a real asshole. How do you know him?"

I nodded as we walked. "Eddie is an asshole, probably the biggest one I've met, but he's actually pretty sweet once you get to know him."

Jake seemed to tense at my words as he stared straight ahead. "So, was he an ex or something?"

"Eddie?" I asked with an arched brow. "An ex? Hell no! I wouldn't fuck that sleaze in a million years, not even in my more adventurous days."

"Why does he call you sweetheart all the time then?"

"Cause I am a sweetheart," I teased, bumping into him until a smile appeared on his face. "Eddie's weird. He gave me that nickname years ago when I almost bit his finger off." His head turned, and I could see the glimmering interest in that story shining in his eyes. "It's a long story. I'll tell you some other time. Anyway, he runs one of the gangs. Mostly Russians but he's got a few hispanic members as well. They're the ones that set up all those fun, highly illegal fights I used to frequent."

Jake seemed to relax as he asked, "What is it with you and gangs?"

I shrugged. "I'm just so likable."

Everyone was still gathered around Isaac, who Prue had bandaged up better. Things were clearly less tense than before, but Quinn and Patrick, in particular, kept their eyes trained on the door, looking out for any sign of trouble. The two guard dogs looked relieved when Jake and I returned, both their hackles slowly lowering as they waved us over. Isaac rose carefully from his seat, and I carefully held the knife out to him. “He won’t be bothering you again.”

Though his face was swollen, I could still see the fear vanish from him as he held that stupid knife to his chest before falling into my arms.

*

Peter watched Isaac closely from the back door, not inside but not entirely outside. Ozzy had found him in the alley shortly after he departed, knowing full well Peter couldn’t just walk away when Isaac was still in such visible pain. The two sat in the alley quietly for hours before Lena returned, and the tension finally resolved among them. No one wanted to just move past what had happened, but after Isaac’s insistence, they did. Everyone but him.

Finally, Ozzy spoke. “You can’t keep this up forever.”

“Keep what up?”

“Quit that,” he scolded. “You ain’t stupid, boy. You know exactly what I mean.”

He was right. Peter knew what Ozzy was referring to… he knew he spoke of the relationship between him and Isaac. It wasn’t bad, not really. The two had slept together multiple times, dated a little, and they’d both decided not to pursue it. Such an easy breakup should be a good thing, right? But Peter wasn’t stupid. He’d noticed how reluctant Isaac was to agree to part ways. He’d noticed every single lingering glance they shared every day that followed over the years. Isaac had visited him just as much as Lena had while he was stuck in the hospital. Isaac had spent the night with him on the nights where he felt particularly weak, and he’d done it all with a loving smile and no complaint. 

Isaac may have agreed to the breakup, but Peter was the one that was responsible. He’d let his fear… his sickness rob them both of something that could have been beautiful. A life.

“What if…” he didn’t even want to vocalize the words. “What if I get sick again? What if I die? I don’t wanna leave him like that, torn up over some lost love.”

Oz nodded, gently reassuring him that those concerns were valid without needing to add words to it. “That is a very difficult thing to get through. Death is always hard. But, there is something worse than losing a love… it’s realizing too late that they were the love of your life. It’s wasting all the time you could’ve had together.”

Peter sighed. “He and I… we tried this already, and it’s too complicated.”

“Life’s complicated, my boy,” Ozzy laughed. “To have someone you love along for the ride is all anyone can hope for. And you love that boy. I can see it. He loves you too, by the way.”

“He does?”

“Course he does,” the old man pinched his cheek. “You’re your father's son, after all.”

Peter felt the tears stinging his eyes as he looked at Ozzy and shook his head. “I’m scared, Dad…”

The old man’s eyes grew glossy within seconds as he held Peter’s head in his hand and nodded. “I know. Oh, I know, my beautiful boy. But, as a foolish old boxer once said: fear ain’t stronger than you are…”

“Fear’s only got the power you give it.”

Ozzy nodded. “You gotta live this life to the fullest, Peter. Live it because it’s the only one you’ve got. You know that better than anyone.”

With a firm nod, Peter felt the anger and the fear in his chest dwindle. “I love you, Dad.”

Enveloping him in a tight hug, the old man sniffled into his shoulder. “I love you too, son.”

He wiped his eyes and made himself presentable as he walked back into the bar, approaching Isaac slowly. The man’s eyes lit up, still so swollen and black and blue, but the same eyes he’d fallen in love with. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” Even after being beaten and ridiculed, Isaac was still so trusting. He followed him out to the alley and met his gaze unflinchingly. “Is something the matter?”

“N-no…” Peter sighed. “I just wanted to apologize for leaving earlier.”

Isaac looked disappointed as he nodded. “Oh, right. Well, I forgive you.”

Silence filled the chilled night between them. Peter shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment, imagining his father giving him an encouraging nod and a thumbs up. You can do this, kiddo. He could do this.

*

I was finally able to relax as the situation faded into the past where it belonged. Prue pulled a small bag out of her pocket and held it out to me and Quinn. “Time to draw costumes!”

Quinn pulled a paper out quickly, taking a quick glance at it before shoving it into her pocket. “What’d you get?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She teased with a smug grin.

“Fuckin bitch.” I reached over and pulled a paper out, shrugging at the neatly printed angel.

Quinn relaxed in her seat. “What’d you get?”

I answered her with my middle finger and stood up, heading out the back door to meet up with Jake in the alley. Peter and Isaac were lip-locked by the gym door, happily unaware of my presence as they lost themselves in each other. Just like old times, I wanted to tease, but instead just kept my head down and walked past them.

Jake and Whisky were relaxed on the couch when I walked through the door. Jake nodded to the door. “See your brother and Isaac on your way in?”

“Yeah,” I replied with a soft laugh as I sat beside him, scratching Whisky’s chin. “It’s good to see them back at it.”

“They looked happy.”

“I hope they are.” I snuggled into his side, exhaustion finally taking hold of me. “They deserve that.”

Jake turned to smile down at me, nudging me. “Why don’t we call it a night and get you home?”

“You haven’t even gotten to smoke yet.”

He shrugged. “I don’t mind. Besides, you look like you’re about to pass out.”

I groaned when he stood up. “I’m comfy, though!”

With a brilliant look in his eyes, he tapped my knee. “You’re it.”

“You fucker!” I jumped up, hurrying down the alley after him as he ran, Whisky following close on our heels.

*

Jake was sure they looked insane as they chased each other down the sidewalk, narrowly dodging people the whole way to Lena’s apartment, where she finally slapped her hand on his back and breathlessly laughed. “HA! I got you!”

“You did,” he replied, gesturing to the front door. “And I got you to your apartment.”

“How sly,” she replied, shrugging off his leather jacket and tossing it to him. “Here. It’s cold out.”

He held it, quietly appreciating the warmth that still lingered from her body heat. “Thanks.”

“Goodnight, Jerk.”

Rolling his eyes, he shrugged the jacket on. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

She groaned, flipping him off as she closed her apartment door. He was still laughing as a soft meowing and a gentle nudge against his leg made him stop and look down. Hemingway wove between his legs, rubbing his head lovingly on Jake’s jeans. “Hey, bud. Did you follow us all that way?”

Meow.

Jake looked around at the slightly busy street. It wasn’t like the bar. There were more cars and more loud noises that could spook the little cat. So, Jake carefully gathered him up in his arms, tucking him into his leather jacket. “Well, I can’t just leave you out here. Guess you’re coming home with me tonight.”

Carrying the surprisingly calm cat the whole way home, Jake quickly deposited him on the floor of his apartment, hanging his jacket up as Hemingway cautiously sniffed about the new space. While the small creature was hairless, Jake could still tell he had dirt built up on his skin, so he searched his bathroom for a soft soap and got a bath set up for him. 

Getting Hemingway into the bath was more challenging, but thirty minutes and a soaking wet floor and shirt later, the cat was clean. Jake leaned against his counter, shirtless and eating a reheated carton of rice from the Asian restaurant downstairs. He watched the small cat fling himself between the bed and the chair before burrowing beneath the covers and settling with little paw movements that Jake couldn’t help but find adorable. He made a mental list of all the things he’d need to get in the morning to help the cat settle into his apartment, having abandoned the very thought of putting him back out on the street the second he brought him home.

Laying in bed that night with the light snores and purring of the cat buried somewhere in his bed, Jake felt more at ease, finally letting the unexpected stress that the day had brought wash away.

*

Halloween was a popular holiday in the city. New York was always crowded, but on Halloween, it was crowded and filled with costumes, horror, and kids. Hectic and crazy and kind of beautiful. Prue’s apartment was light and colorful, with plants in every corner as Will and I sat across from one another, waiting for her to finish getting dressed.

He was dressed as Fred from Scooby Doo, which meant that Prue 100% pulled Daphne this year. She emerged from the bathroom and squealed happily. The purple dress complimented her skin tone and made her smile pop. She was adorable, and it was obvious that Will agreed by the way he jumped to his feet and met her in the doorway with a smothering kiss.

I averted my eyes, quietly readjusting the small set of wings on my back as the sun began to fully vanish on the horizon. “You two look amazing.”

“You look cute!” She signed back, carefully helping fix my hair and simple white dress. “Just like Juliet in that movie.”

My eyes narrowed. “That’s pretty specific. You and Quinn wouldn’t happen to have rigged the draw… would you?”

She clapped, turning away from me to avoid any more questions. “Time to go!”

Sneaky little bitches! If they’d rigged the costume draw this year, that meant I was going to be in for a long night. 

*

Jake looked at the box sitting on his bed, oddly actually considering putting the costume on and dressing up for the first year in, well, forever. He didn’t, though. It was like he told Quinn he wasn’t a kid anymore, and he sure as hell didn’t do costumes. So he put his leather jacket on and headed to the door. “Behave while I’m gone, Hem.”

The cat continued to play with the toy Jake had gotten him as he walked out the door and headed to Ozzy’s. It was no secret that Jake wasn’t a fan of Halloween, an opinion that Simone greatly influenced all through his youth. The fake scares and the cheap costumes and decorations just never appealed to him. A sign of maturity, as Simone put it. So he moved through the streets, avoiding the festivities and rolling his eyes at the sight of the pumpkins that lined every block. 

Ozzy’s was the only spot he kind of liked seeing decorated. It was clear the old owner put a lot of effort and thought into it, and it certainly brought the business in. The line stretched out and around the block, and he was glad he wasn’t going to have to wait in it. Music and lively celebrations filled his ears as he hurried down the stairs and made his way to the bar where his friends were supposed to meet. Ozzy smiled from behind it, dressed as a skeleton and serving drinks with fake eyeballs in them. “Happy Hallows Eve!”

Jake chuckled. “Happy Halloween, Oz. Where’s everyone?”

“Quinn and Ari are in the booth. Sasha is running around telling people to lift his sheet, and the others are kinda scattered around.”

“Lena here yet?” He asked, ignoring the old man's grin.

Quinn’s voice echoed from behind him, clearly trying to sound like the redhead. “Of course I am!”

Turning he couldn’t help but instantly laugh at her fake red wig and very dramatic interpretation of one of Lena’s outfits. That laughing only intensified as Ari slid into the free space beside her, dressed head to toe in some of his old clothes she’d likely snagged from his locker. “Holy shit.”

“We’re hilarious, we know,” Quinn bragged.

Ari smiled, breaking character. “I’ll put these back in your locker when I’m done with them.”

“Keep em,” he insisted. “They’re old anyway.”

She and Quinn frowned as they looked at his plain clothes. “Did you not get the costume?”

He rolled his eyes. “I got it, but I told you I don’t dress up.”

Quinn made a disapproving sound and folded her arms across her chest. “Fine then, but it’s not us you’re disappointing.”

“I’m sure everyone else won’t care that I’m not dressed up.”

They both smiled as they looked behind him toward the entrance. “I dunno about that.”

He turned, heart-stopping at the sight of Lena standing at the top of the stairs. She was bathed in the lights Ozzy had set up. She was in a simple but stunning white dress with two small wings on her back and her hair delicately half-tied up. An angel. A very specific angel, he realized, turning to look at Quinn, who just nodded at him.

*

I hurried through the crowd and instantly sent Quinn a glare. Her fake red hair was practically glowing beneath the lights as she spread her arms wide and smiled. “Like my costume?”

“You look like a cheap hooker,” I replied.

“Careful,” she warned with the most smug grin I’d ever seen. “These are your clothes.”

Ari emerged from the bar, dressed in a familiar t-shirt and jeans with a leather jacket. “Holy shit.”

“I’m Jake!” She giggled happily.

“I see that.”

Quinn pulled Ari in close. “Should we make out to really sell the act?”

Ari wiggled her brows. “Yes, please!”

I moved past them, meeting Jake’s widened gaze with a hot blush rushing to my cheeks. He was in is normal clothes, not dressed up in anything festive or remotely Halloween themed, just like I’d expected. Hiding the pang of disappointment with a gesture to Quinn and Ari I cleared my throat. “Those two are quite the pair, aren’t they?”

Jake just nodded, casting his eyes down at his feet. “I gotta go.”

“What?” I asked as he made his way past me, quickly heading toward the door. “Okay then…”

The night carried on, and after an hour or two, I decided to finally stop watching the door, hoping Jake would come back. Ozzy slid me another drink as Patrick and Katie finally showed up, dressed Morticia and Gomez from the Addams Family. “You look amazing!”

“So do you,” I replied, meeting her hug.

“Where’s the boy?” Patrick asked, looking around at the sea of people.

I shrugged. “He left.”

Katie frowned. “Not a fan of Halloween?”

“I don’t think so,” I answered, trying not to sound too bummed out. “He didn’t even dress up or anything, so I guess I should’ve seen it coming.”

Patrick’s lips curled into a smile as he nodded to the door. “Oh, I wouldn’t count him out just yet.”

I turned, eyes finding him in seconds as he stood above the crowd on the stairs leading in from outside. My eyes widened, jaw growing slack in awe. He was dressed head to toe in a Ghostbuster costume, Egon judging by the glasses, my childhood crush. He looked like a dork, and I fucking loved it. I…

Shaking my head, I looked at Quinn, who fixed her red wig and nodded me toward the stairs. I should have seen it coming. Of course, she would set Jake and me up in hopes we'd fuck before the bet between her and Sasha expired. As I watched Jake vanish into the crowd, my heart thundering in my chest and my body moving to find him, I realized she might've just pulled it off.

We met in the center of the crowd, bodies all dressed in various costumes, moving to the music beneath the everchanging green, orange, and purple lights. Jake looked even better close up, I quickly realized as my mouth went dry. Quinn 100℅ pulled it off. His eyes trailed down, taking in every inch of my costume while mine did the same with his. “Hey.”

He smiled, looking almost nervous. “Hey.”

“I thought you didn’t do costumes?” I gestured to him.

“Usually, I don’t,” he chuckled. “But, I figured, why the hell not?”

"You know," I started with a burning face as I moved closer and dragged my finger down the buttons of his costume. "I've always wanted to fuck a Ghostbuster."

Jake chuckled. "Why am I not surprised?"

I shrugged, daring to meet his heated gaze. "That your way of saying you're not interested?"

He shook his head. "Oh, I'm interested. Always thought girls in angel costumes were sexy."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know," he replied, distracted. "But I am very interested in seeing that dress above your hips and those legs wrapped around my waist while you moan my name."

I smiled, my body shifting closer to his as if on instinct. "These wings aren't the best quality, but they'd be a good place to pull on, you know, to help bounce me." The on your dick bit of the sentence didn't need to be said aloud for Jake to catch my meaning.

His eyes shifted to them, hands grabbing a fist full of my dress. "That's a very good idea. Though, I am very tempted to just rip it all off you."

"How blasphemous." My eyes were practically glued to his lips. "Meet me in the alley?"

He opened his mouth. "Are you-"

"I'm not drunk or high or anything." I pressed my lips to his, soft and short, pulling away to whisper against them. "I want you."

His fingers traced down my spine, testingly tugging on the base of the wings. "Good, because there's nothing I want more than this."

I pulled back, lifting his head with a finger beneath his chin to correct his wandering eyes. "Don't keep me waiting."

"I wouldn't dream of it, princess."

As I slipped out the back door and practically sprinted through the gym to the alley, no one seemed to notice. I paced, heart racing and body feeling hot even in the cold air, waiting. When the door opened a minute or two later, and Jake closed it behind him, both of us just stood there and watched each other for a minute. I moved first.

My hands fisted into his costume, pulling him down to meet my ravenous lips. His hands instantly pulled my dress up, exposing my bare legs to the October air. With one hand keeping my dress up, he used the other to pull my thigh up to rest along his waist. Jake turned us both, pressing me into the rough brick wall where he pulled his lips away from mine to breathlessly order. “Take your underwear off.”

Suppressing a moan with teeth to my bottom lip, I followed his desperate command and slid the simple pair of panties down my legs, kicking them off to the side and looking up into his black eyes. “Better?” It was meant to sound smug and confident, but instead just sounded so… wrecked.

Jake’s hands slid up higher, fingers gliding along the curve of my bare ass with a nod. His hips pressed into mine, forcing a shocked moan from my lips. “Yeah, that’s better.”

“Fuck,” I whispered, burying my hands back into his shirt and pulling until the buttons popped and his chest was exposed to me.

My hands slid down his shoulders, helping him pull the material off so I could run my nails down his back. “God damn.”

Hoisting me up, Jake used the wall to help steady me as my legs wrapped around his waist, his deft fingers reaching between us to roll his thumb along my already sensitive clit. I ground down on him, the hot moans filling the air between us with fog. “Jake.” I threw my head back, opening my neck to the desperation of his mouth. “Couch. Now.”

He pushed himself back, stumbling until we both flopped onto the couch, his fingers buried inside me as my hands fumbled with the rest of his suit. My hand wrapped around his cock, pumping him in time with each lift of my hips. His mouth fell open, and a sharp gasp filled the alley as his free hand grabbed the base of my wings and started pulling, guiding me up and down. “Fuck, Lena!”

Withdrawing his fingers, his pulsing dick settled between the lips of my pussy, each movement of my hips making the tip of him catch against my clit in a way that made my legs quiver. Our lips hovered over one another, moaning and breathing into each other like it was what our lungs needed. Our dark eyes reflected one another's hunger and our desire, but deeper inside them was an unnamed thing… something so vulnerable and tender that it made the reality settle over us. This was real. This thing between us was more than sex… more than want.

Real.

“Jake,” I whispered, my hand moving between us to help guide him.

“Come on, princess,” he encouraged, roughly tugging on the straps of my dress. “Don’t keep me waiting.”

The gym door slammed against the brick. “GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ONE ANOTHER!”

Sasha’s thick accent made Jake and I freeze, but not in shock or in embarrassment. Rage, pure fucking rage, filled my lungs and Jake’s eyes. “SASHA!”

Quinn and Ari drunkenly grabbed at the Russian. “This is cheating!”

“You can’t just barge in on them!”

“This is America, lesbians! I can do whatever I want!” Sasha yelled, also drunk.

Grinding my teeth together, I moved off of Jake’s lap, ready to start punching people. Jake got himself redressed and grabbed my arms to keep me from lashing out. “Are you guys fucking serious?!” I yelled. “Our sex is not any of your business, and you absolutely have NO RIGHT barging out here when you know we’re-”

Sasha’s watch beeped. Midnight. He cheered and waved his hands in the air. “I WIN! Pay up, you vaginas! I WIN!”

“On my god!” I groaned.

Ari and Quinn fished cash out of their costumes. “You guys couldn’t have jumped on each other like two minutes earlier?”

I pointed my finger at Quinn. “I’ll fucking kill you.”

Jake and I spent the remainder of the night bitterly watching everyone else around us enjoy their night, unable to sneak off again because of Sasha’s constant and loud presence announcing to everyone that we almost did it in the alley. If he hadn’t been plastered, I would have punched him. “And I stormed into the alley and pulled them off one another!” He drunkenly proclaimed again.

I still might punch him.

When the time came to go home for the night, I got saddled with the idiots that were too hammered to handle themselves. Quinn, Ari, and Sasha. Of course. The drunken fools rushed down the sidewalk, leaving Jake and me a pissed-off horney mess behind them. The whole walk to my apartment felt like torture as I listened to my friends laugh and tease all the way to my front door. Sasha slammed into it, giggling as he turned to shush everyone else. Fucking idiots. I shook my head and turned to Jake, who looked just as pissed off as I was.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow," I said somewhat dejectedly as I turned to go inside.

Jake's hand cupped my elbow, gently pulling me back to face him. Our lips connected, fire igniting between them as we both sank into one another. We'd kissed so many times in the past month that this shouldn't have been much different, but it was. This kiss felt the same as our first one had. Raw and too real, filled with something deeper than either of us were capable of admitting. It went beyond want or need… Beyond everything either of us had known up till now.

As we pulled away from one another, our eyes locked, the emotions in them mingling together. Wanting and not wanting. The longer we looked at one another, the more obvious it was that we both had the same realization. Jake's breath fanned across my face as he bumped my forehead with his. "Night, princess."

"Goodnight, tough guy."

*

Peter stood next to Isaac as they looked out at the dark waves from the top of the bridge. They took their time, enjoying the silence and the breeze before Isaac finally lifted his arm and threw the knife off the edge. From where Peter stood, he could almost see the anger and the pain leave Isaac. Their hands intertwined, and the two walked away together, just like they had all those years ago when Peter had stumbled on the suicidal boy with dark curls and eyes that reflected the light so beautifully. 

Hand in hand, they walked away from the painful chapters both of them had been stuck in. Hand in hand, Peter and Isaac shared a look - a promise. They’d face whatever came next together.

Together.

[honestground]

i don’t really read much original fiction these days because i’ve found fanfiction to be just as fulfilling, but my favourite books are Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card and Skinny by Ibi Kaslik. i like reading character-driven stories and i love the prose in Skinny in particular. i also enjoy the writing style in Sweetbitter by Stephanie Danler.

i really try not to attempt to imitate writing styles, or let what i read influence how i write too much, usually because it just comes across as really awkward and forced and i just feel like i’m copying. i guess my writing style has unconsciously become a weird combination of everything i read. thank you!

is there anyone who isn’t amused by nipplé tho

i feel like i saw it ages ago but i remember absolutely nothing about it? i might look into watching it again

[beautifulfaaces]

Jimmie Saito

Facts

Japanese American actor

Filmography

Fudo [The Blacklist: 2017-2020]

Scott [Sweetbitter: 2018-2019]

Saito [Are We There Yet?: 2012]

Appearance

black hair

brown eyes

Roleplay

playable: adult

[cutsliceddiced]

New GIF tagged food, mad, starz, chef, scott, taste, season2, texmex, sweetbitter, episode203, not valid, jimmie saito via Giphy https://ift.tt/2yvNEHz via https://cutslicedanddiced.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/how-to-prevent-food-from-going-to-waste

[searchforthescars]

maybe you can share a few of your fave books? I found out we have a familiar taste and I could need some recs as well 😀😙

OOOO okay okokokok here we go!

Disclaimer: I haven’t read properly in the past like year and a half because journalism school is taking over my entire life so most of these are enduring faves

FANTASY

Six of Crows - Leigh Bardugo

fantasy worldbuilding, diverse cast, good representation, A+ dialogue

the main character is SO EXTRA yall aren’t ready

tbh I’m not the biggest fan of her other series (the Grisha trilogy) but you do you

The Dark Artifices (series) - Cassandra Clare

LISTEN I know CC is problematic and I want it known that I don’t support her or condone her actions I just like her books

mixes mythology, lore, magic, modern-day Los Angeles

traumatized characters with tragic backstories

idk message me if you want details I could take up this entire post trying to explain

Beautiful Creatures - Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl

part of a series but I liked it individually

southern Gothic meets supernatural

The Raven Cycle (series) - Maggie Stiefvater

Welsh mythology, undead kings, chucking a ghost out the window, pining but like, the good kind

CAR! RACING!

SCI FI

Uglies (series) - Scott Westerfeld

this was the series that hooked me on sci fi and I read it when I was 10 and it was really great

dismantle social constructs of beauty! Fight the system!

Afterworlds - Scott Westerfeld

read this if you need noveling inspiration, esp if you write in this genre

also offers a really neat perspective on the afterlife tbh

YA/NA REALISTIC FICTION

Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell (new adult)

I didn’t expect to like this so much but it was actually really good

freshman at college copes with being separated from her sister, classes, boy drama and family issues by writing fanfiction

this whole book is one big Mood honestly

Sweetbitter - Stephanie Danler (new adult)

coming of age in NYC as a waitress

glamorizes an unglamorous world which is a really interesting technique

about finding a family, learning from experiences and finding yourself the hard way

Elenor and Park - Rainbow Rowell (young adult)

TW for abuse and disordered eating/self-hating thoughts

my heart hurts for these kids honestly 

she’s a compelling storyteller like wow

All for the Game (series) - Nora Sakavic (new adult)

informally known as The Foxhole Court

possibly the only sports fiction I will ever read

gangs+trauma+healing+the Gay^tm

very quotable

I’m sure I have more recs but that’s all I can think of for now! Hope this helps!

[emilywalks]

2016 in books

Slightly belated, but I read some good books last year, so here’s the list.

 Landing, by Emma Donoghue

The Emperor’s Children, by Claire Messud

My Life on the Road, by Gloria Steinem

Heartburn, by Nora Ephron

My Brilliant Friend, by Elena Ferrante

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, by Muriel Spark

The Sellout, by Paul Beatty

Birds of North America, by Lorrie Moore

Damage Done, by Amanda Panitch

The Oath, by Jeffrey Toobin

The Argonauts, by Maggie Nelson

The Story of a New Name, by Elena Ferrante

Wildflower, by Drew Barrymore

The Bedwetter, by Sarah Silverman

Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay, by Elena Ferrante

M Train, by Patti Smith

The Story of the Lost Child, by Elena Ferrante

Ostrich, by Matt Grene

I Like You, by Amy Sedaris

All the Single Ladies, by Rebecca Traister

The Luckiest Girl in the World, by Jessica Knoll

The Confidence Game, by Maria Konnikova

Choose Your Own Autobiography, by Neil Patrick Harris

My Name is Lucy Barton, by Elizabeth Strout

Dietland, by Sarai Walker

In Zanesville, by JoAnne Beard

Girl Through Glass, by Sari Wilson

Who Do You Love, by Jennifer Weiner

The Turner House, by Angela Flourney

Limitations, by Scott Turow

The Vacationers, by Emma Straub

Love Walked In, by Marisa De Los Santos

The Smart One, by Jennifer Close

The Girls, by Emma Cline

Sex Object, by Jessica Valenti

The Supreme Court, by Jeffrey Rosen

The Chronology of Water, by Lidia Yuknovitch

The Nest, by Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney

Shrill, by Lindy West

What is Not Yours is Not Yours, by Helen Oyami

We Were Liars, by E.L. Lockhart

Sweetbitter, by Stephanie Danler

I’m Just a Person, by Tig Notaro

Mother, Can You Not?, by Kate Siegel

Other People We Married, by Emma Straub

Modern Lovers, by Emma Straub

The Thing Around Your Neck, by Chimimanda Ngozie Adichie

In Other Words, by Jhumpa Lahiri

If Morning Ever Comes, by Anne Tyler

Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, by Sarah Hepola

You’ll Grow Out of It, by Jessi Klein

Commonwealth, by Ann Patchett

How to Be a Person in the World, by Heather Havrilesky

So Sad Today, by Melissa Broder

The Mothers, by Brit Bennett

Don’t I Know You?, by Marni Jackson

The Thing About Jellyfish, by Ali Benjamin

You Will Know Me, by Megan Abbott

Tell the Wolves I’m Home, by Carol Rivka Brunt