#t-ocd

[hellolevihere]

first post here but oh my fucking god. any other trans people who struggle with OCD constantly trying to convince them they are actually cis and lying to themselves?

i had a 6 month long spiral of r-ocd two years ago, ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety (which, pretty sure it wasn't just that but it got me meds so idrgaf), somehow managed to tame it, I'm still with the same partner and I love her so so so much.

enter identity ocd (?). i have identified as a trans man for about 5 years at this point (not on T, pre surgery), my uni uses my preferred name, I'm happy whenever I get 'mistaken' for a man in public and being called a she makes me internally flinch, same as having to call myself a she when talking to family. i default to calling myself male terms (my cat's daddy and not mommy, my partner's boyfriend/husband and not gf/wife, all that), I can't leave my house without a binder on, I dress masculine and constantly wonder whether people are reading me as a man or a woman, feel the slightest pinch of disappointment when I get ma'am'd.

even with all of that! my ocd has been making me fixate on not really being a man, 'you're just secretly misogynistic', 'you just don't want to change because it's been so long and people would be confused but you're not a man', 'you call yourself your wife's husband because youre actually just a butch lesbian' (i love butch lesbians yall are so cool, this is not me saying there's anything wrong with being one).

i am also autistic and so defining my gender has this additional layer of difficulty. ive never rly thought im a binary man, just something close enough to a man to use male as my 'business' gender so to speak - im not gonna explain my incredibly complex identity that i dont even fully grasp to a rando, so i call myself a man and call it a day.

im wondering whether any other trans person has had this type of thoughts. i dont know what to do, because it keeps telling me to socially detransition, tell my friends to use she/her for me, which is making me incredibly anxious - but no clue whether its anxiety because i truly do not want it or just because im kinda settled with everyone knowing im trans and going back on it now would just be confusing for everyone.

[theropoda]

this is the worst website to have moral ocd on because someone will post 'if you don't like pickles you deserve to get run over by a car' and you'll spend the next 3 weeks ruminating over if not liking pickles makes you a bad person and actively, unironically contemplate suicide about it

[sauronism]

can't stop thinking how galadriel's hyper vigilance from s1 and her endless pursuit for sauron is a manifestation from her ptsd. almost like a ritual for her to perform. an intrusive desire that she can't stop. seek the enemy so you can feel protected. seek the enemy so your people can feel protected. seek the enemy so you can be sure no one will get hurt. seek the enemy again so the kingdom can stay intact. seek the enemy again and again until your mind said enough.

[skunkes]

i need more time to draw for me and do comms and make stickers and practice waterkolor and learn blender but unfortunately every day i need 10 hours of lay in bed time

[musical-chick-13]

Please, can you tell me more about headcanons you have of River?

OOOOOOH, YES, THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!!! 😊😊

My biggest one (and probably like. the least Common™ a;sldkfaj;sldfk) is that River has pure-o OCD. Which, for anyone who doesn't know, is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where the compulsions, rather than something like handwashing or pacing or saying stuff out loud, are all internal. They are purely things you do in your mind. This can take...many forms. Such as "reviewing" situations or your emotions or thoughts to make sure you aren't Thinking Bad Ideas or Accidentally Did Something Harmful, it can be repeating stuff to yourself mentally, it can be obsessively thinking about a particular thing to ward off Horrible Outcomes, or. an infinite number of behaviors. (For more info, you can check out this blog!)

ANYWAY. River's obsession with Hiding The Damage™ (<-her words not mine), because if she doesn't, she will Ruin Her Relationship. The way she recurrently refers to herself as a bad or heartless person, despite helping to save people/the world with no objection (suggesting this "I'm an unscrupulous person" is something she has to keep telling herself internally, probably by looking inaccurately at her previous behavior and circumstances). The implication that she keeps (successfully) convincing herself that the man she loves doesn't actually Love Her Back (no, I don't think this was something that was just shoehorned in during the Christmas special, maybe I'll make a Full Post about that someday) so she can protect herself and not Wreck Things.

And the way she kind of like...frequently sees the Most Extreme Option is the right way to solve things? (She breaks her wrist to get away from a Weeping Angel and then tries to pretend she's fine???? because The Future?????? She gives up all her regenerations to save The Doctor in Berlin. She worries about the state of the world (and her own emotional fortitude) so much when she thinks she has to kill the Doctor that she stops time and gathers millions of people to plead with him to save himself. And she impulsively, immediately breaks out of jail and suggests throwing herself into a Time Void and targets a Dalek when she thinks he's in danger. Not that these are...compulsions, per se, but this kind of black-and-white thinking (of, there are no middle-ground options, I have to do the absolute MOST I can do RIGHT NOW) is...very common among people who suffer from OCD. Couple that with the fact that she canonically Holds Things In despite worrying about a whole bunch of stuff...yeah.

(...Tbh, I think you could even make the case that doing things like "testing whether he'll rescue her"--jumping off a building when she doesn't need to, sending him coordinates when her plan is Fly Out Of An Airlock so he intercepts her, pretending to be unconscious so he'll inspect her--are some external compulsions. In the sense that she can "prove" to herself that she is worthy of love/care. Which is compounded by how she finds her parents in her adolescent years so she can grow up alongside them, since they can't like. Actually raise her. Doing the most extreme things to hang onto the reassurance of love, etc. etc. Yeah, she has a skewed view of human emotion due to being Bred As A Weapon™, but I think there's definitely room to interpret that as being complicated and intensified by something else.)

GOD that was so long, I'm so sorry. Some other headcanons I have are as follows: she likes sweets a lot. She loves contemporary (or...contemporary to us, at least--she's from the 51st century not the 21st) opera and classical music. (<-Yes, this one is purely self-indulgent.) She's a big Shakespeare fan. She has a favorite pair of super-fuzzy green pajamas that she thinks make her look stupid, but they're so comfy. She takes very hot showers because it helps her Feel Something. One of her favorite pastimes is playing strategy games (both electronic ones or board games), but she absolutely hates chess. Also, she not-infrequently commits petty theft to procure random gifts for her parents and husband. Or for gift exchanges for the Christmas parties she's forced to go to for work at Luna University.

And, lastly, she would have become an archaeologist and/or a professor anyway even if she'd never met the Doctor (this one seems to be...a little contentious). Mainly because she. Doesn't like people telling her what to do. I'm fully convinced that she would have broken away from the Silence on her own eventually, even if it might have taken longer than it did in canon. And she is a very intelligent, analytical person, and she seems to revel in historical knowledge and Finding Cool Objects, which...archeology was always going to be the perfect career for her.

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

there are two types of neurodivergent kids in school:

1. sees class has already started, mortified by the thought of walking in front of people, fails at psyching themself up, goes outside, sits next to a dumpster for six hours, goes home, changes colleges, never goes back again

or

2. sees that no one is sitting on table, immediately sits on table, becomes friends with a guy called swaz who appreciates their table power move, embraces status as the Weird Kid

[mossymandibles]

Durja redesign number 2847987 coming along nicely :>

[nshtn]

does anyone else stop agonizing in the middle of mindshattering pain to think about how boring it is

[crayonurchin]

Wretched healthy treatment and realising self care occasionally means doing stuff you really dislike and letting go of comforts in the pursuit of better things

But really, spaghetti bolognese is always a healthy coping strategy

[urfavhasocd]

Can you do Captain Kirk from Star Trek the original series please 🙏

CAPTAIN KIRK from star trek has OCD!

[theropoda]

tumblr rlly is such an awful place to talk about moral ocd bc on one hand people do say horrible stuff without realizing how harmful it can be to people with moral ocd ("if you scroll past this you're a horrible person!" or "if you didn't know this you should kill yourself"), how easily people tell each other to kill themselves over simple things, but on the other hand people WITH moral ocd use it as an excuse to look away from real problems in the world, as an excuse to say " you can't tell me im doing something harmful! it makes me sad :(" like i swear to god. there has to be some kind of middle ground you guys. we can be compassionate about the way we talk to each other without completely shielding our fucking eyes! we have to be willing recognize our faults, apologize and do better, both of us on both sides. uuurgh

[v0idsp3rson]

ocd be like:

(my art pls credit if you use this for anything)

[gin-juice-tonic]

sometimes i think about how many common therapy tactics are either useless or actively harmful against OCD and stare at the ceiling

er, i should add, this isnt a dig at therapy, it's just important to see someone well-versed in OCD is all.

[dustskullv]

men are great.

men with pussy???? Even better cmon dude

nods nods. you are 100% correct.

[angel---eater]

thinking abt this one thing of characterization that we feel is missing from a lotta fic specifically, but also from some parts of fandoms read on dirk, is that hes missing his specific dirk-branded insecurity by way of being hyperaware that hes A Lot(tm), but he cant stop himself from wordvomming. like the 'clean as a whistle' incident and dreamer dirk + BGD fusing to become tangible in the dreambubble. he CANNOT stop going on embarrassing bouts of rambling and he HATES it

[crayonurchin]

A reminder to my fellow OCD lovelies

Your OCD does not like it when you're happy. Your OCD takes moments of happiness as an opportunity to flare up with old obsessions or new ones. This can make you nervous of happy moments, because it's like waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under you.

Let me tell you what just happened to me.

I have had a great day. I got a bunch of cleaning done and my bedsheets are freshly washed. I got to cook a delicious dinner and paint my nails, watching some Toy Story and even exercise for the first time in forever. I felt great.

And 20 minutes ago, my reoccuring Gender OCD/ T-OCD showed up way stronger than it has in months in a way I THOUGHT I was over.

Now I'm getting mad at myself for daring to have a good day, because CLEARLY I was inviting this OCD into my head and giving it permission to pitch a fit. And clearly, my precious method of NOT doing healthy and good shit to better my life IS the right choice, because it prevents the OCD from having an In to hurt me.

My lovelies. This is a form of OCD.

You obsess over OCD hurting you for living a good life, so you don't do those healthy things, to compulsively 'prevent' a potential flare up.

And if you've done therapy for this disorder, you already know what you have to do.

Keep up the trigger.

OCD is a screaming brat who wants things its way and nobody else's. It's going to shriek in the shops, kick all the tins onto the floor and go red in the face to get its way.

It cannot keep up that energy forever though. You gotta keep living your life, not giving in to its demands, no 'one last times' or 'special treats'. Let it bitch and cry and make a scene until it's exhausted. Eventually, OCD will learn that tantrums won't get it what it wants. And you're not going to give in.

If you're happy, OCD isn't. And want want OCD to be unhappy. It doesn't deserve anymore of your energy, joy, happiness- none of it.

I had a great day today and I feel good. My brain is screaming that I'm wrong about my gender identity and if I don't cut off my breasts and go by They Them right this second, I am dooming myself to a depression suicide.

I'm going to make a hot chocolate and read a book now, with my brain screaming all of these things. Maybe I'll have a biscuit to dip in the hot chocolate. That sounds nice.