#I do truly want to help others dealing with OCD

[crayonurchin]

Wretched healthy treatment and realising self care occasionally means doing stuff you really dislike and letting go of comforts in the pursuit of better things

But really, spaghetti bolognese is always a healthy coping strategy

[parasolids]

i kinda love when a character clearly needs professional help but is trying to self treat it with like crystals and essential oils and like herbals and stuff and it is Not Doing A Lot. i think largely because i was living like that for a very long time and it sucked but at least the aesthetic of plants is nice

[guided-by-stars]

Siffrin deals with his anxieties (both rational and irrational) by performing rituals and compulsions. These rituals can become obsessive, especially in times of heightened stress, and often focus around either checking things, or numbers. They also deal with intrusive thoughts, with such frequency and intensity that it impacts their ability to function. Those...are all symptoms of OCD.

Let's define some terms, before we go into examples. What are obsessions in this context? This often refers to obsessive thoughts/anxieties/mindsets. These are prevalent, reoccurring, sometimes disturbing, often irrational fears. Intrusive thoughts are one example of this, though not all obsessions are intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are specifically unwanted and very distressing and often graphic thoughts or images in one's mind. An example of such is this:

Next, are compulsions and rituals. Compulsions are actions that one takes to break the obsession spiral. These either soothe the root fear (though usually temporarily), or quiet the disturbing thought or image. Rituals are "safe" compulsions, decided as such either by repetition or irrational logic. The wording that Siffrin uses when questioned about obsessive checking of pillars is as follows:

One of the most common mental justifications for compulsions is "But what if?". The perceived cost of performing a compulsion is often weighed as nothing against the potential of something truly awful happening. "What if?" carries a lot of weight for people dealing with OCD- often one knows that both the fears and the compulsions are irrational and logically one cannot control the Universe by tapping a certain amount of times on a table, checking for the tenth time if your alarm was set, or repeating a phrase multiple times in your mind. However, the weight of the potential fear is just so great that one cannot take the chance, even knowing that. This paradoxical position of both awareness and delusion that many with OCD have is called "OCD with insight" (1)

This post became....much longer than I planned, so the rest will be under the cut. Please read the rest though!!! There's so much more to it! ☆

The diagnostic criteria for OCD in the ICD (2) and the DSM (3) are relatively similar (though the DSM focuses a lot more on ruling out other causes for similar behavior like anxiety disorders and delusional disorders), and focus on the obsessions being self-sustaining and the rituals being often time consuming and frustrating to have to do. However, not all compulsions are even notable enough to the person to cause any frustration or discomfort, nor are all of them consciously done with any sort of logic behind them. It's quite common for people to perform compulsions without even having a reasoning for why (4).

Hey, weren't we talking about Siffrin ISAT? What's with all this research paper bullshit? Can't you just show me where in the game my blorbo shows signs of mental disorders???!?

Well, one example of rituals that Siffrin engages in is repeating phrases, either out loud or in their head. The number they tend to come back to, again and again, is three. This is shown when they are explaining Wish Craft, and despite the fact that the specific number of repetitions of your wish genuinely doesn't matter, just that it's repeated at all, they instinctively say to repeat your wish three times, before catching themselves and correcting their error.

...When Loop explains their Wish to Siffrin, they say it three times as well. "I wished it could be over. I wished I could get out of here. I wished for someone to help me."

Whenever Siffrin wants something to go right, throughout the game, he also almost always repeats his desired outcome three times.

It's a noticeable enough habit that his party members mention it, when in the trap room. They've noticed the ritualistic mumbling that he does whenever he wants something to go right.

It's not just when they want something to go right that they're doing it though. They repeat things three times when they're panicking, too, to calm themselves down. When they loop back after beating the king:

It's not even just thinking or saying things either, they take actions in threes too, to soothe themselves. After Kingquest:

You can see both thinking things in threes and acting in threes here. It's everywhere. If you look through the game again, you won't be able to help but notice how often they do things in threes.

Speaking of the coughing though, that's another one of the compulsions they do. Covering their mouth, coughing, gagging, they do all of those when trying to banish disturbing memories or thoughts from their mind.

After looping when refusing to try to say the name of their country when the King asks.

Notice again, they repeat "You know" three times. Like I said, you'll start seeing that EVERYWHERE now.

To note, if you try to say it once and try not to say it another time, you'll get this instead:

Three breaths, here.

I could go on, but I don't think I need to.

Another important factor when considering OCD is the need for control. People with OCD not only report a lower level of perceived control over their thoughts and actions, and not only tend to need a higher level of control than the average person to feel safe and comfortable, but also, the less control over their environment they have, the more that OCD symptoms often intensify. (5)

Siffrin is in a paradoxical position here, in regards to control. When they first realize they're in a timeloop, they're absolutely ESTATIC. The first bathroom break monologue exemplifies exactly WHY he's so euphoric at this point:

He's euphoric with CONTROL. No matter what happens, he can always try again. He's safe. He can keep everyone he loves safe. He has SO MUCH CONTROL.

When the illusion shatters, after he's dragged back when they beat the king, that's when he realizes how little control he actually has. Sure, he can decide when he loops (most of the time) but he can't decide to STOP looping. He's trapped. The more he tries to escape, the less control he seems to have (Eg, what happens to Bonnie). After that, we can see him start to have intrusive thoughts, engage in more ritualistic behavior, and end up in more unhealthy anxiety spirals.

...And, we see him lean into the little control he DOES have (looping) more. Any time he's in a stressful situation? Any time that the control he has over a situation starts slipping away? Is Bonnie yelling at him with tears in their eyes and telling him to die? Is Isabeau pulling away from their shaking grip on his collar? Is Odile confronting him on his suspicious behavior? Are things OUT OF CONTROL? ...Control is taken back. Forcefully. He can't handle loosing more control, not when he already feels so helpless and trapped.

Talking about the bathroom scenes, there's another one I want to point out. The first Friendquest run. It's the perfect example of delusional anxieties and compulsions used to quiet the distressing thought, rather than soothe them.

...Yeah.

Siffrin is suddenly overcome with the anxiety that the simple act of believing that his plan could work will somehow make it not come true anymore. This is an example of "magical thinking", or a belief that defies the scientific or culturally accepted laws of causality (eg. "If I step on a crack, my mother's back will break"). It's specifically an example of TAF, or "Thought-action fusion", which is the belief that one's mere thoughts can cause completely unrelated actions to happen in the real world. This is an essential part of how compulsions can genuinely relieve anxiety, and is actually one of the differences between those with other anxiety disorders and those with OCD. Magical thinking is essential to OCD. (6)

This exchange also showcases an example of how compulsions done to quiet rather than to soothe can sometimes involve self harming behaviors to "shake" the thought out of one's mind. In this case, him hitting his own head and focusing on the pain rather than on the thought. Most definitely not a healthy way to deal with it! But what else do we expect from Siffrin, honestly.

Another example of a self-harming compulsion being used to "shake" out a distressing and unwanted thought, also including a more minor example of magical thinking:

Researchers and psychologists have often attempted to divide OCD into subtypes. This has usually been done because different types of obsessions often demand different treatment plans. (7) The actual divisions have varied from researcher to researcher, but one type that consistently comes up, is harm OCD/moral OCD. (Of note, one person usually, but not always, fits into multiple subtypes. I personally think Siffrin fits into multiple) Harm OCD is characterized by a fixation on believing one is a bad person and causing harm to others, often despite others expressing the contrary. This often comes along with very intense self-criticism and judgement.

After repeating a Friendquest route multiple times:

Mal Du Pays fight:

Siffrin specifically is fixated on the worry that the knowledge that they gained by looping gives them an unfair power dynamic with their party, and taking any action informed by that knowledge means that they're taking advantage of them or forcing them to do what he wants. This is despite the fact that, no matter what he chooses to do, they are still autonomous beings who do what they want. He has less control than he thinks.

Also from the Mal Du Pays fight:

("You should've died for me. You should've died to protect me. You should've died to protect me.", "You can wish and wish and wish all you want.", "They'll forget you. They'll forget you. They'll forget you.")

And what of Loop? They're also a Siffrin, right? Examination of the self from an outside perspective has given them time to introspect a bit more. They directly name and point out one of Siffrin's rituals. @dormont pointed this out, in one of his posts. (8)

Loop says, here:

They understand why Siffrin is doing this. Siffrin is afraid that he'll forget again. There was no warning, before the Island vanished from everyone's mind. The coin is a physical reminder that he forgot his first family, that he can't forget this one too. He often rolls it in his pocket, but sometimes grips it tightly, or flips it. In his mind, touching it will prevent him from forgetting again.

Now this is fascinating when thinking about One Hat, because in that eventuality Siffrin, after failing to find Loop at the Favor Tree, leaves his coin where Loop used to sit. This shows that he's doing better mentally, in Act 6. That he trusts himself more to remember, that he doesn't need the coin anymore.

Throughout the game, Loop keeps the comedy mask glued tight to their starry face. Because of that (and the fact that we don't see inside of their head), we don't get to see much of their own obsessions or compulsions. But there is one time where their mask slips. During Two Hats.

When they start becoming more and more distressed, they fall back into repetitions of three:

And if they win the fight....

And after the fight...

But of course, it's not all in distress. What was I saying, at the start of the post? The other reason why Siffrin repeats things in threes? When he wants something to go right, right? When he has a desired outcome, when he's sharpening his knife, when he's carving a figure. "Please be sharp, please be sharp, please be sharp."? At the end of it all, as Loop is fading away:

"I'll see you again soon, I promise! I super promise! I super duper promise!"

And Siffrin understands exactly the intention and desire that they pressed into that repetition. After Loop is completely gone, they mirror their actions.

("You flip it once, twice, three times.")

("You will see each other again.")

Additional resources:

1: Taylor, E. (2020). Discordant knowing: A puzzle about insight in Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder. Mind & Language, 37(1), 73–93. https://doi.org/10.1111/mila.12301

(About the concept of insight in irrational cycles in OCD! Very interesting)

2: ICD 10: The complete official code set. Internet Archive. (2017).

(ICD 10, Account is needed to read the full thing)

3: American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.)

(DSM 5, for reference)

4: Starcevic, V., Berle, D., Brakoulias, V., Sammut, P., Moses, K., Milicevic, D., & Hannan, A. (2011). Functions of compulsions in Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 45(6), 449–457. https://doi.org/10.3109/00048674.2011.567243

(Article about reasonings behind compulsions. Honestly I think a lot of the "other reasons" categorized here for compulsions are just...different manifestations of reducing anxiety. But it's still helpful to show how sometimes compulsions are done subconsciously)

5. Moulding, R., & Kyrios, M. (2007). Desire for control, sense of control and obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 31(6), 759–772. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-006-9086-x

(Article around OCD and the need for control)

6. Kingdon, B. L., Egan, S. J., & Rees, C. S. (2011). The illusory beliefs inventory: A new measure of magical thinking and its relationship with obsessive compulsive disorder. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 40(1), 39–53. https://doi.org/10.1017/s1352465811000245

(Article about magical thinking/TAF/history of the other studies done on the importance of them in OCD & creating a better framework to assess them)

(7) McKay, D., Abramowitz, J. S., Calamari, J. E., Kyrios, M., Radomsky, A., Sookman, D., Taylor, S., & Wilhelm, S. (2004). A critical evaluation of Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder subtypes: Symptoms versus mechanisms. Clinical Psychology Review, 24(3), 283–313. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2004.04.003

(Critical overview of the concept of OCD subtypes and what their purpose is)

(8)

(Eve's post :]. Check the replies for more elaboration!)

[3hks]

How to Create a Unique Character

As authors, we should want our characters to stand out, to be unique, and to have an everlasting impression on our readers! However, there are simply too many other characters out there to make our creations one-of-a-kind. But in this post, I'll give you some ideas and tips you can use to create a memorable character!

What really sticks out about your character? Appearance wise, it's admittedly easier if your character has some truly unique features, such as heterochromatic eyes, scars, different hair color(s), accessories, etc. If your character doesn't have anything too distinctive about them, then pick out some of their most important traits and embellish them! Notice that I said important, the features that matter to your character should matter to the reader. And finally, if your character is simply just average, then state that. Take time to really describe your characters and the respective parts of them!

What about their backstory? Honestly, a backstory can do a lot! They can change the readers' perspectives on the character and provide reasoning for their actions. With that being said, a backstory can really stick to the audience, so let your imagination run wild with their past! Naturally, you should decide on what influence their background had on them and build a story around that. Does your character live in an orphanage? What type of orphanage is it? What did they learn from it? For quite some writers, their main characters are orphans, but how did they become one? I'm going to be honest here, it's rather common for authors to have their protagonist watch their parents die, and have their motives built around that. Don't just settle for something bland! If they have been through some sort of traumatic experience, depending on the situation, I suggest involving that character, make them a part of what they went through, more than a simple bystander. Maybe they could've helped, but didn't, and that regret was what changed them! If you want your character to have an impression on your audience, the backstory is a part of the foundation for that!

What about their emotions? For a mentally healthy character, this is a pretty obvious answer: they are perfectly cognizant of their feelings and accept them. However, I suspect that most of you won't create a mentally healthy character, and that might work to your advantage! Think about how they would deal with these three feelings: sadness, anger, and stress. Does it differ from a "normal" person? Then at some point, include your character battling one (or more) of the emotions they find it difficult to deal with! How they respond will stick out to the readers!

What about their mental stability? Does your character have some sort of mental health disorder? These don't have to be flat-out depression, but can include OCD, mysophobia, (more commonly known as germophobia) anxiety, ADHD, etc. A disorder or obsession will definitely make your character stand out, but make sure to do some research on the topic! Mental health is no joke; some people may actually have the disorder, and falsified facts could really be offensive.

And lastly, what about their own, private problems? For example, a character's significant other has been distracted with work, and doesn't pay much attention to the former character. Thus, they feel abandoned and not prioritized. How does the character fight to overcome those feelings? How a character feels in specific events can reach out to the reader because they find it relatable!

These are some things to consider when creating a unique character! Every little part counts!

Happy writing~

3hks ^^

[gayleviticus]

I didn't really notice this before but it's interesting how in the dispute over whether Jesus is casting out demons because he himself is on the devils payroll in Matthew 12 - there's the famous bit about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit which lots of people get hung up on (and understandably so, esp if you struggle w scrupulousity and OCD - very inflammatory thing to put in the Bible @ God).

but Jesus then goes on to talk about good and bad fruits, and this line struck me: "Either make the tree out to be good and its fruit good, or make the tree out to be rotten and its fruit rotten; for the tree is known by its fruit."

you can kinda sense his frustration here. "make up your minds! either I'm doing something wrong or I'm not; can we not try to claim that I have some evil hidden ulterior motive that makes all the good things I'm doing secretly bad."

now sure, there are circumstances where people can do or support good things for bad reasons (nazis using anti Zionist sentiment as a dogwhistle; terfs making a song and dance about feminism - altho id argue neither of these groups are particularly 'doing' good things just hijacking them, but there are also just homophobic conservative churches that do run soup kitchens and food banks and yet that doesn't counterbalance the bad they do) or do bad things for what they perceive to be good reasons. but seems like what Jesus is talking about is again his old maxim of judge trees by their fruit; don't decide a priori that since X person is wrong therefore everything they do is tainted with wickedness.

blasphemy of the Holy Spirit happens when people see God at work doing good things and decide, in order to preserve their preconceived ideas about the way things are and what's good and bad, to call good evil.

and I think the reason that's an 'unforgivable' sin isn't necessarily because it's a particularly heinous one, but because it fundamentally warps your ability to interpret the actions of God. If you see God's goodness and mercy and grace at work in the world and decide well actually that's the Devil - how are you supposed to ever break out of that and truly recognise God? it's like when someone is hyped up on flat earth, creationism, anti vaxxer, protocols of the elders of Zion conspiracy theories; they've kinda destroyed their ability to even consider any alternative simply by loudly insisting any counterpoint is propaganda, any evidence to the contrary is fabricated, science itself is a hoax. blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is the same; people have destroyed any external benchmark (such as the harm and suffering being created) for judging their interpretations of scripture and faith.

and I can't help but think a bit on queer christians (as usual; I need to start finding other topics to get on my soapbox about), bc when we offer the fact that gay relationships or gender transition cultivate love and joy and peace and kindness and goodness, we get very much the same answer as Jesus' critics gave. "Pff. It's the work of the Devil." People a priori reject the good and life giving things we find in queerness because they don't want to deal with the implications of that. and so we get people insisting that bad trees can bear good fruit.

now in fairness they often do try for consistency and insist that actually this good fruit is a hollow lie and truly LGBTQ people are suffering underneath from living against God's will. but I think this view is losing its power bit by bit bc people understand it's asserting ideology over reality. it's a hard sell and not an intellectually serious position. either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad

[butchspace]

Hello, I am going to discuss my thoughts on content/trigger warnings as someone living with OCD. I am absolutely open to good faith engagement and discussion on this topic.

Having some thoughts on the idea that adding trigger warnings somehow ultimately harms the person with the trigger. They absolutely can create an easy tool to obsessively control your access to the topics/to avoid them, but I’ve always felt it should be the potentially triggered person’s decision on what they were ready to do about it. Uncontrolled exposure is just as capable of causing obsession as is avoidance, in my opinion.

I think of the (terrible telephone retelling of a) case I heard about while discovering recounts of actual lived experiences with OCD.

—The following example discusses intrusive thoughts about domestic violence.—

A woman had an obsession with being was afraid of hitting her boyfriend. Her compulsion was that she would have to hold her arms stiffly by her side. She recognized this as OCD and sought exposure response prevention. Her therapist told her to try and ignore the compulsion, or potentially do the opposite. The woman became so obsessed with healing she forced herself to keep her hands away from her sides (almost obsessively) and constantly checked whether or not she “still wanted to hit him.” In the end, the ERP just became entangled with her obsessions.

It takes so much strength to face these types of problems and practice the mindfulness and grace with yourself to recognize it. It’s something you really need to be ready for because it’s going to take a lot of effort to do the hard thing when the easy thing is right there.

How can we claim it’s best to “force” exposure on someone else? How can we go around vigilante therapising people we have deemed too ill to do it on their own (or just be left alone)?

This is not to say that anyone is bad if they can’t or don’t want to tag things. More just my thoughts about how pushback against that idea can swing too hard into trying to prove not tagging was morality correct.

Some articles that articulate so much of my experience with OCD:

Having No Cure for OCD Is the Cure

Help! I Have OCD About What’s OCD

In the spirit of bodily autonomy, I think we all deserve agency in our lives no matter how “incompetent” other people may think we are. When you’re ready, you’re ready. There’s no healing to be had sitting around thinking you’re broken or lazy or whatever for not being ready to change. We all owe each other the kindness to do what we can in good faith, too.

I started doing too much table setting in the tags, so I’ll put it under a read more, lol.

I recognize that this isn’t very radically (in the abolition vs reform sense) anti-psychiatry, and I do have a complicated relationship with that idea. I recognize that I have a good deal of privilege (particularly among people with more stigmatized/less understood “disorders”) but this framework is the only one I’ve ever been able to access that gives me any insight into myself at all. That isn’t something everyone can afford to do in several senses.

As a physically disabled person, I just connect my experiences with chronic illness and mental illness (which I think can fall under the umbrella of chronic on its own) more and more these days. What truly was the difference between not being able to do something out of pain versus anxiety? Our brains are organs, too. Our thoughts are chemical and hormonal, too.

One of the fondest memories I have of coming to terms with disability was explaining my experience with an autoimmune condition to a bipolar friend, and he replied that we were “chronic illness buddies.” And I felt so understood as someone who has suffered with various types of anxieties for their entire waking life.

[writtenbyevie]

Haikyuu Fic Recommendations!!

I personally really enjoy when people make these lists, so I thought I’d make one of my own! This is by NO means a complete list, but just a highlight of some favorites in no particular order with brief summaries! (I tried to shout out some less famous ones if I could, so that’s why most of the Classics aren’t listed)

Iwaoi

in the wake of a hurricane, dark skin of a summer shade by maangoes

Rated T, 5.8k, canon-compliant, in the middle of time skip

Iwaizumi goes to visit Oikawa in Argentina after an injury (not serious). Unspoken things are finally said. 

i sing the body electric by viverella

Rated G, 8.7k, canon compliant, high school era

The evolution and inevitability of Iwaizumi and Oikawa, together always. 

in damp earth my body by mellish

Rated M, 15.9k, canon divergence time-skip

After retiring from the Japanese National Team, Oikawa shows up on Iwaizumi’s doorstep to fulfill an old promise and face an uncertain future.

five minutes west of irvine by birdcat

Rated G, 20.4k, canon compliant, post-time skip

We always may have been meant to be, but that never made it easy. Nor would we want it to be.

Without Giving Anything Away by mellish for rageprufrock, thispuppyflies

Rated M, 22.3k, canon compliant, spans childhood to post-time skip

Feelings are hard, but Iwaizumi and Oikawa will get there eventually. Together, as always. 

Almost a Stranger by mellish

Rated T, 16k, canon divergence time-skip

How two people who want each other so badly can almost just miss each other. One trip changes that.

I sure hope that guy gets fired by Xov

Rated T, 29.9k, high school era, canon universe with a sci-fi twist

High school Iwaizumi gets caught in a time loop. Somehow, this is Oikawa’s fault, right? Right?!

mercy is a shade of blue by birdcat for Valkyree

Rated G, 11.6k, canon compliant, post time skip

Iwaizumi arrives in Argentina. Late, yet somehow just on time. (Read this in light mode. Just do it please.)

Full Bloom by bumblebeesknees

Rated E, 57.5k, canon compliant, post-time skip (this IS canon to me idc)

There is never a right time to tell someone you love them. What matters is that you do and you don’t give up until they hear you. Or, how Iwaizumi learns to hear and be heard.

Final Destination by ftld

Rated T, 2k, canon compliant, post-time skip

Settling into a life. Together. Finally.

Sakuatsu

These Mountains I'm Moving by ftld

Rated E, 6.9k (lol), canon compliant, post time-skip,(this is canon idc)

What it means to know, be known, and what that means for Sakusa and his “not”-relationship with Atsumu.

having a kid is a walk in the park (jurassic park) by attackofthezee (noxlunate)

Rated T, 8.9k, canon compliant, post-time skip

Atsumu, unfortunately, reproduces. Sakusa, fortunately, helps. Their journey together, as Atsumu deals with parenthood. (not A/B/O)

LITTLE LION MEN by mcbeefy

Rated T, 40.1k, canon compliant + hanahaki, post-time skip

A black comedy about how Atsumu deals with throwing up broccoli for one Sakusa Kiyoomi.

Kinesics by ftld for StenellaWhyte

Rated T. 6.7k

Sakusa and Atsumu navigate their relationship during a truly hectic game of MSBY minigolf.

Situated Motionless in the Center of the Heavens by mcbeefy

Rated T, 15.1k, canon compliant, post-time skip

You ever love someone so much it makes you both mad and stupid? Well, Atsumu does.

behavioural response of the msby black jackal to newfound independence: a study by miya osamu by spacedhowell

Rated T, 11.4k, canon compliant, post-time skip

Outsider POV Osamu watches the MSBY Jackal Household slow descent into madness. What’s a fall without a little love though, of all kinds?

That's Not What Happened In Ratatouille by mcbeefy

Rated T, 2.3k, canon compliant, post-time skip

The Miya Four vs. A Rat in the kitchen.

Dysfunctional by lettersinpetals

Rated M, 27.1k, canon compliant, high-school thru post-time skip, (good OCD rep, as approved by someone w/ OCD)

Sakusa and Atsumu burn bright and fast. How that flame goes out and relights years later.

Sunaosa

earth and moon by evelynwrites

Rated M, 73.5k, canon compliant, high school thru time skip (my own fic)

Suna and Osamu throughout the years, from their first meeting to their forever vow, as told through their promises and dreams.

Missing You by ftld

Rated E, 20.4k, canon compliant, post time-skip

I love yous aren’t easy for everyone. Suna’s journey with hearing it, believing it, and maybe even saying it back. Once he figures it out.

in medias res by bonyelbows

Rated T, 3.1k, canon compliant, post time-skip

Suna and Osamu throughout the years as told through the lover’s dictionary. Non-linear. 

Wish you were here by neverwere

Rated E, 5.4k, canon compliant, post time-skip

Miya Osamu vs. The Fine Art of Sexting (spoiler alert: he’s not winning, but Suna Rintarou somehow is)

cracked open by gentle hands by insomnia (cosmicbluebells)

Rated T, 16.1k, canon compliantish, plays with in between of time-skip 

(all of these fics are on my favorites list, but this is one I’ve reread a lot)

Atsumu enlists Suna to help Osamu confess to his crush. Suna struggles and Osamu struggles to figure out what’s wrong.

slip of the pen by limeprint, plumii

Rated T, 6k, canon-divergence post-time skip for Suna

Sometimes you (Suna) write a whole book to tell someone how you feel and they (Osamu) still don’t get it. Or, 10 years of struggling to figure out what to say.

fool's gold by spiritscript for Coziester

Rated T, 34k, canon-divergence, rich kid suna/onigiri man osamu au

Suna is on a collision course from which he may not recover with an angry Sakusa on his tail. Along the way he takes a detour and meets Osamu. How loving someone else teaches you how to love yourself. (not as dark as it sounds)

Glow by ftld

Rated M, 12.3k, canon compliant, post-time skip (this is canon idc)

Suna shows up on Osamu’s doorstep one night. He takes him in no questions asked, even though he wants to. He really, really wants to.

staying power by viverella

Rated T, 17.8k, canon compliant, in between time-skip

Osamu chases after Suna, only to learn maybe he was never running in the first place.

Bokuaka

all of norio’s work!!!!!!!!!

Windowpane by nightscrawls

Rated G, 13.9k, canon-compliant, high school era

Bokuto wants to woo Akaashi, but he just can’t be too him about, ya know? Ya don’t?

All There is to Say by nightscrawls

Rated G (reads like M), 43.6k, canon compliant, pre and post time-skip

Loving someone does not mean you are deserving of them. Or how Akaashi learns to let himself love Bokuto (and himself) over the years.

you fell in love with the sunshine, and you took a walk with a boy (you spent half a year on the verge of tears just because nothing ever feels like it did before) by jublis

Rated T, 8.8k, canon compliant, high school era

Akaashi may be good with words, but that doesn’t mean he knows how to say them. Especially the important ones. But he tries. He tries.

fine line by starsqwub

Rated G, 19.2k, canon compliant, high school into post-time skip (this is canon idc)

I tried to shout out less famous fics, but you just have to read this. It’s exceptional.

Akaashi’s relationship with writing and Bokuto over the years. They’re more intertwined than he thinks.

the death of our hands by Bershlate

Rated T, 109k, canon compliant, high school era (this is canon idc)

A story about love, of a boy, of two brothers, of a sport, of the self. Or, the coming of age of Akaashi Keiji. Ft. good OCD rep with focus on compulsions

Kuroken

you're the brake lines failing (as my car swerves off the freeway) by ghostpot

Rated T, 15k, canon compliant, in between time skip

Kenma realizes he has feelings for Kuroo and (hilariously) goes through the five stages of grief.

Like a Charm by Falahime

Rated M, 6.4k, canon compliant, post-time skip

Kuroo wants his best friend Kenma to give him a wedding ring so people don’t hit on him during his business trip.

take me the way i am by almostsophie1

Rated E, 8.5k, canon compliant, in between time skip (this is canon idc)

Kuroo, resident cool guy and Kenma’s best friend, asks Kenma to have practice sex with him so he can lose his virginity. (Very sweet)

video games and gold rings by gnomeo

Rated G, 4.8k, canon compliant, post time skip

Kenma’s audience tries to figure out who exactly he is engaged to.

Cat's Out of the Bag by shions_heart for Carrochan

Rated T, 5.4k, canon compliant, post time skip

Kuroo drunkenly proposes VERY publicly to his best friend Kenma and the wild aftermath that ensues.

Daisuga

Better Late Than Never by Falahime

Rated T, 6.2k, canon compliant, post time skip (this is canon idc)

Daichi gets invited to a speed dating event through work. Suga thinks he’s coping rather well. (He was in fact not coping well)

By Any Other Name by Falahime

Rated M, 4.5k, canon compliant, sequel to above

Daichi tries to figure out what’s up with calling partners by their given name. Shenanigans ensue.

That’s all for now folks! Clearly I have a type of fic I like rip. And authors.

Also! As you can see, ya girl is in need of some Bokuaka, Kuroken, and Daisuga fic recommendations herself so please comment or rb with your own! Sakuatsu, Iwaoi, and Sunaosa recs are also welcomed as well since I’m obsessed with them if you can’t tell rip. Anywho, I hope you enjoy!

[ludwigoat909]

//// vent (hide my "lulu d vent" tag if you don't want to see it)

I think one reason I've started being more sympathetic towards Kotoko, which is also one of the reasons I use to hate her for and yet never admitted it, is that, just like her, Not only do I want to be worse then those that hurt others for the wrong reasons. And that just like her, I can't let those who hurt me and others ever get away with this. I want to be the equivalent to what they are to me or others, even tho I know they are the last person I wish to become. That's what hatred does to you, the feeling of giving back what was thrown at you. Why do we get hurt and not them? Why do the minority get specific names and not the biggots? Why do they get to make yourself a fool while they never feel shame thanks to their blinding ego? Why don't THEY get to suffer for thinking it's ok to be awful to you?

They never get the same pain then they give us. It feels like we are doomed to loose because they have the experience of years of biggotry against us for weapon. And it's not fair.

Unlike Kotoko who isolated herself and became more radicalized on her own tho. For me it was growing up with relatives that used my anger to make themselves feel like the better one. My response to any threat has always been anger. That I had to attack back when I was being attacked.

There's this relative in particular, who likes to dog pile people whenever they make the slightest mistake because he likes to feel special about being correct (actually, it may be why I get so mad at most internet discourse like shipping because of how people seem to care of being the more correct one, which was another reason why I use to dislike her and currently Fuuta). And with I, being a disabled adhd and autistic person, it shouldn't take a wild guess to imagine how they treated me. There were times when he got pissed at me where he liked to throw ableist slurs at me (these are kind of common in France saddly thanks to our beautiful language having a trillion insults and slurs for literally anything). And there was me thinking I had to throw back with the same shit since I thought that if this is their idea of an insult I had to fight back the same. And that if I didn't fight back, I would let myself be crushed.

Now even years later I feel horrible about it. And yet in my own mind it feels like I never learned. When I get angry and in my mind I would imagine interacting in the same way they did out of impulsivity. This kind of disgusting impulsive thoughts I get is even worse considering I also have terrible ocd from which suffer from awful intrusive thoughts that are also no limited to insults either. All because I feel like it's the only language they know of.

That last second in Deep Cover is not so different from how I feel afterwards when these happen.

If this sounds like I'm trying to excuse Kotoko's actions or make myself more sympathetic. I am not. I may not brutally kill or assault people like she does. But this kind of shit is wrong and I wish I could be a better person. i wish I controlled my anger better. I wish I wasn't like this. I just don't know how I can stop being like this. And I want help to find a better way to deal with conflict like these. I just fear so much of people getting away with things... I fear people think they are right for the things they are wrong about me or others, because for so long I feel like I've been treated like shit because people didn't understand me and had a dead set opinion on who I was. And now it feels like they've put me where they wanted me to be and I hate it.... I just want to become the person I wish to be. i wish to be someone that lives up to what I truly believe and not some vicious pile of anger

[eiightysixbaby]

Maybe the boys and a gender neutral reader with OCD? Specifically hygiene related? For example, having to take showers every day, wearing slippers around the house constantly, always washing their hands, etc. I was officially diagnosed yesterday and it’s been a little bit jarring not gonna lie 😭 thank you so much!

hi love! I hope you’re doing well amidst the diagnosis, and I hope this can provide even the slightest bit of comfort. I hope I wrote this in a way that translates well to you. 🥺

I think Eddie would pick up on these traits almost immediately, he notices the way you wash your hands more than he does, notices the way you’re adamant to shower every day, clinging to that routine. I also think he’d immediately adapt to any of your needs, while simultaneously trying to calm you in situations where the OCD really takes over and your intrusive thoughts are nagging at you. He’d do little things like always having fresh towels ready for you when you’re coming over, wanting you to feel like you can shower if you need to. He keeps fuzzy socks and slippers around just for you to put on if you need them, wanting to make his environment as comfortable for you as possible. But he’s also right there helping you to breathe through it and steady yourself when you’re in a frenzy, he wants to help you overcome the anxiety surrounding your compulsions, reminds you that you’re safe and secure whether or not you wash your hands again, whether or not you have bare feet on his floors, whether or not you get a shower in today. He works with you to find alternatives to those compulsions, other things that you/he can do instead to combat those thoughts and feelings.

Steve is the one who sits you down the second he notices your behavior seems off, he notices your anxiety is heightened and he’s opening up the doors to having a conversation with you. He’s asking you what you feel, what you need from him, how he can help you. When you need him to distract you from your intrusive thoughts, he’s ready and willing, he’ll read to you or play loud music and dance with you, literally anything to get your mind off of those pesky thoughts and to deter you from following through on any compulsive actions. However, he’s also there on the days where it’s harder, the days where you just can’t shake the thoughts and the days where you need to do certain things to feel safe or to make the anxiety leave you alone. He always reassures you that you’re so strong, so brave, so incredible for dealing with something so difficult, and he’s truly just there for anything you may need.

Jonathan definitely hates seeing you going through anything tough like this, he knows it weighs on you when your mind is telling you to wash your hands, even when you just did ten minutes ago. He knows that it’s frustrating and he does anything and everything he can to keep you smiling. Sometimes, he’ll offer to shower with you when you’re itching to take one, asking you to let him clean you. He sees it as meeting you halfway - you get that shower in and your nerves can be eased a bit, but he is the one washing your hair and your skin, he has a bit more of the control there, taking that weight off of you and helping you feel comfortable relinquishing the need to control every aspect of your hygiene in an obsessive way. He grows that extra layer of trust with you, and he’s so so sweet about it all. He wants to see you thrive, and he’s always so encouraging, always telling you that he’s proud of you and that he’ll be your rock as long as you need him.

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Thank you so much for opening up matchups, I always love seeing my results! As for myself, I’m an asexual girl who’s somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. I adore history, reading, tea, writing, ice skating, art and sewing!

I’m pretty introverted and can get quickly drained being in large social groups or gatherings so I tend to prefer small hangouts or just time spent with one individual. When I really click with a person though I don’t find myself drained and can get pretty touchy and talkative! I have ocd, some past trauma and anxiety issues so if I did have a partner I would hope that they would be open to those parts of me and willing to be there for me when dealing with anything related to that. (And if they had that I’d do anything to help them work through it or just to help them feel comfortable and safe!)

I’m pretty easy going and relaxed for the most part although I am told I can be a bit blunt and that it looks like I’m always glaring (I’m not). I’m pretty upfront in setting boundaries and letting people know what I am comfortable with or not. While I do enjoy easygoing and light conversations, I also appreciate deep and intellectually stimulating discussions (or even just taking the piss out of someone).

Honestly as long as someone is open to engaging with my interests, is there for me both physically (not sex) and emotionally, and accepts me, then I’d be content! I’d be happy with that person no matter what (aka gender and orientation aren’t factors in whether I would like someone or not) although I would hope they are a more clean and tidy person or at least can learn to be one.

A/N: For you @amefuyuu, I’m thinking your best Baldur’s Gate 3 match would be Gale! 

☸ Gale is the right person for you! There’s been some discussion of the lack of ace representation in Baldur’s Gate, however, I read a very interesting Twitter thread that suggested that the characters of Gale and Asatrion could be interpreted as asexual if you squint. Astarion because he’s endured so much trauma, and in Gale’s case because his character makes a point to be clear that what he wants isn’t “just sex”, and that love and romance for him is something much deeper, much more spiritual than anything we could understand in just the physical realm. I’m not sure Larian would label Gale as asexual outright; instead, I believe it’s meant to be up for your interpretation. In this case, I see Gale as greysexual/demisexual. For him, sex is only wanted or a positive thing if he's developed a true romantic connection first. That being said, I think he’d also truly value a mostly aromantic companion, as long as your relationship is based on mutual respect/admiration and communication. He’s been holed up in that tower of his in Waterdeep for so long, so alone. He needs a companion he can't open up to. A companion he can enjoy quiet studying with. Someone who won't judge him too harshly for the mistakes of his past; someone who can see past his shortcomings into the kind of man he could be. And in return, I’d imagine he’d do the same. 

Gale loves history! He’s a bit of a history buff himself. Sure, most of it pertains to the history of magic or The Weave, but he’s also quite knowledgeable about the history of Waterdeep. He’d love exchanging knowledge with you- you tell him what you know of your world and he’ll tell you what he knows of his. And reading, oh my goodness! The man practically has his own private library back home with hundreds of tomes dedicated to all sorts of subjects. And although he may initially be hesitant to admit it, he has an entire section dedicated to nonfiction. 

Gale would love nothing more than to spend a beautiful sunny afternoon with you outside his home in Waterdeep, picnicking and having tea while you each sit in each other’s company, reading your respective favorite books. When the weather turns colder, he’d love to go ice skating with you. Well, he’d like to watch you ice skate, while he keeps his feet firmly planted on the ground beyond the rink. He’s not the smoothest of people. But that doesn’t mean he won’t go above and beyond to make it happen for you! Even conjuring an ice rink himself with a spell if he has to. If it really makes you that happy, then it’s worth it to him. 

Gale may not be the finest connoisseur of art, but he does enjoy showing off the things you create. And he’s very happy someone between the two of you knows how to sew. It’s also so bothersome to rip a hole in your clothes after an adventure or battle and need to go all the way to a tailor to get them fixed. 

Gale prefers smaller crowds as well. And he comes with his fair share of trauma- being raised by a single mother, his fallout from his unbalanced relationship with Mystra, to being infected with a Mind-Flayer parasite. He can be rather anxious himself, which is why he tends to talk in circles sometimes. He’s not always trying to be elusive, it’s just that it can be hard openly admitting your feelings when you don't know if the audience is right. He won’t ever judge you for the things you deal with, be it your anxiety or OCD. He knows he has his fair share of quirks and absolute ‘no-nos’ that most partners would find a bit annoying. He’s extremely grateful for how patient you are with him. He understands, even more so with you by his side, that healthy relationships are give and take across the board. Everyone has their moments. Everyone takes their turn. And that’s alright. It just means you’re human. (Or you know, whatever humanoid Faerun creature you happen to be!)

Typically easygoing himself, Gale is happy you’re not overly boisterous like Karlach. He too prefers more stimulating conversations. (He also secretly enjoys ribbing those he’s closer to, and he’s a fairly big fan of puns. But it might take a while for him to reveal those little fun facts to you.)

And while his workspace might be a bit messy, he’s more tidy than not. Granted, things may get strewn about here and there after a night of spell research, but he makes a point to eventually put things back where they came from. He learned this the hard way when he left a book out on his bed only to come back to it to find Tera sleeping soundly on its open pages. He was forced to wait for hours to finish his spell! All because he didn’t want to wake her by retrieving the book. (He has since done what he can to ‘tressym proof’ his home lol.) 

Honestly, Gale doesn’t mind not having sex. He’s used to it. He just really misses the other kinds of physical affection: hugs, pats on the back or shoulder. Touch can be so healing and grounding, but it’s hard to get any of that when you isolate yourself in a tower for years. He’s very pleased you care enough about him to give him that much. 

He thinks himself so blessed to have you in his life. 

[hismercytomyjustice]

So I started writing this yesterday and then I got SO MANY FEELS and it was SO LATE but… 

Def got a little too into my own head earlier with the finale  approaching for my BG3 fic. So I reread the draft I have of the final three chapters. And I just…I’m so happy with them??? (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) I don’t even feel like they need any major overhaul editing or anything either.

I have NEVER felt confident about writing endings, but I’m feeling alarmingly confident about this one??? Like, even my OCD doesn’t seem to have anything disparaging to say??? ( ˶°ㅁ°) !!??

I mean, I truly hope other folks feel the same way when they get to the end. But right now I’m just so fucking happy that I do?

Wildly long self-indulgent post about my BG3 fic and the writing process for it below, if that’s something you’re into.

Writing this fic has been such an unexpected rollercoaster of emotions for me. It’s taught me so much about how my OCD manifests and impacts my writing, in addition to building my writing confidence back up in general.

It’s the longest thing I’ve ever written (just about twice as long as the longest before that?!) and I feel like I’ve grown SO MUCH as a writer while working on it for the past six months. I went from thinking I would never write description well to finally feeling like I get it??? I mean I’m sure I still have loads more room for improvement, but I’ve always felt like description has been my biggest weakness as a writer and I finally don’t feel that way anymore??!!

Same with writing endings too!!! I def feel like I have a lot more progress to make on that front, but like…oh my god I actually wrote one I’m super proud of??!!

Not only that, but this fic taught me I actually can jump around while writing??? I’ve always written super linearly before and tbh I still do, but when I got stuck on chapter 12/13 for almost two months, I skipped to the very end because I had an idea spark for that part and because of that I’ve been able to lay more of the groundwork for what I hope is a satisfying wrap up.

God, I was so fucking mortified to bring up my struggles with fanfic writing to my therapist. In retrospect I realize that’s because my OCD spirals around it were getting out of fucking control…

Just a super fun refrain of:

“This isn’t a big deal, you’re doing it for fun. It’s ridiculous how upset you are over a literal hobby no one is forcing you to do. It’s just a fanfic. No one cares about it. It’s not even real writing. No one will even read it or like it anyway. You’re wasting your time. See? You can’t finish anything. You’re stuck at the 60k mark because you lack discipline and commitment. You can’t do this, so you’ll never get anything original published. How many things have you started now that you’ve never finished? You haven’t finished writing anything in almost a decade. You’re wasting your therapist’s time talking about something so absurd. She’s going to laugh in your face.”

And fucking on and on and on.

But like…none of that was true??? FUCKING SHOCKING THAT MY OCD WOULD LIE TO ME, AMIRITE?! When has it EVER done that?!

I just wound up sitting there telling my therapist I was stuck and I had lost the passion for the fic like I always did and I’d wasted three months and 60k words on a story that was never going anywhere because I wasn’t good enough to write it.

And she asked me “What would help you get unstuck?”

And I thought about it and was like: “Maybe if I start posting it, folks will read it or bare minimum I’ll get enough kudos and hits to make my brain go brr enough to finish it?” All I wanted at that point was to regain the drive to finish writing the story I’d put so much heart and time and effort into already.

I mean OF COURSE I hoped folks would read it and like it and leave kudos and omg maybe even leave a comment??!! And since BG3 was and is such a big/popular fandom I was also hoping maybe I could surpass the level of achievement I hit with my multichapter Cardcaptors fic a few years back, if nothing else.

And like, as of last night, this is where I was sitting with both:

And YES. I know that stats are NOT what I should focus on at the end of the day. But GOD IF I DON’T CRAVE THE EXTERNAL VALIDATION!!! Don’t we all…

And like, honest to god, this fic doesn’t have to surpass my CCS fic! One of the absolute (hehe) best things to come from this whole experience has been getting to interact with other cultured Bloodweave sommeliers (haha). I seriously cannot get over just how nice and encouraging and fucking amazing everyone has been with their comments!!! And that multiple people have taken the time to comment on each chapter as they come out??!! Like, I am living the fucking dream!!!  (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

I get so fucking excited every week to share my newest chapter because I desperately want to know how my pressganged Bloodweave book club will react. Like, my HEART IS SO FULL OMG!!!! They are gonna make me cry frfr!!! 

I have personally been such a terrible commenter in the past on fics I’ve enjoyed (i.e. I didn’t fucking comment), but I am trying to become a reformed member of AO3 society because the support I’ve gotten (especially when the doubts start to creep in) has been incredible!!! 100/10, would definitely recommend!!!

And like, some other great stuff has happened that helped me so much along the way too! I read The Accountant’s Guide to Taking Down an Evil Vampire Lord (and maybe bagging Astarion while you are at it) by Cinnamontails. While I was reading it, writing description FINALLY FUCKING CLICKED for me! I was just like “Omfggg?! This is what people are talking about when they say description should do more than one thing!!!” Up to that point I pretty much believed that was like a sort of writing koan or something. Something everyone says, but that isn’t actually meant to be understood because it’s unknowable? Or something like that.

Lemme tell ya, I fucking love learning about writing. I’ve gone to countless writing panels at cons. I listened to podcasts on writing for YEARS (Writing Excuses, I Should be Writing, Ditch Diggers, etc). I’ve read so many books on writing. Watched YouTube videos, took a class, etc, etc! But for some reason the “description should do more than one thing” adage just did not compute. Until I read that fic!

Up to that point, description had always felt like something I threw in as padding around all of my dialogue and character navel gazing. And I fucking STRUGGLED with it as a result. It always felt SO FUCKING BORING to me. I hated it, especially because it never came easily. But now I FINALLY understand and I LOVE writing it!!!!

I went looking for some more tips on writing description and picked up Description: A Busy Writer’s Guide by Marcy Kennedy, which broke things down even further for me!

I felt personally attacked by this part in particular:

“Irrelevant description is what gives description a bad name.

You might think that’s obvious, but so often in my editing work, I’ve seen authors describe things in detail that have no bearing on the story at all. Usually they do it because they’ve been told at one time that they weren’t including enough description and no one told them what kind of description they needed to start including or how to properly include it.”

I am not exaggerating when I say, until very recently, to write description I would find photos of locations, buildings, character inspo, etc and try to focus on what someone more visually inclined would want described because I don’t have a super robust mental image generator. I’ve never had the “I see a movie in my head” while reading gift. Super jelly of folks who do tho! I get more like…flashes maybe? And I didn’t even realize that until I actually made myself pay attention to what was going on in my head while reading fairly recently. I sincerely thought I had aphantasia and people were exaggerating when they said they could picture things in their heads.

Like, when they’d tell you to look at something then close your eyes and envision what you remembered in school (was that just me?). And I’d be like “Okay so we’re just closing our eyes and trying to remember the individual things right? No one actually sees anything.” COLOR ME SURPRISED to find out that WAS NOT the case!

I don’t think I have aphantasia anymore, but like, on the scale from 0 (aphantasia) to 10 (see a movie in my head), I’d say I’m maybe a 3? I can’t envision a whole room or even like…a moving image? Moving images in my head are almost more like extremely short flip books. And the more I try to focus on them, the more out of focus they become. I also really struggle to envision things I’ve never seen before. Like, as a literal picture in my head I mean. It’s easier for me to imagine like…a picture I took of my dog than my actual dog? And like, if I try to do something like envision my bedroom or something, I just kind of pick a point and go from there like “Okay this is what my bed looks like, now it’s gone. This is what my dresser looks like, now it’s gone. This is what my end table looks like, now it’s gone.” It doesn’t form a bigger picture in my head. It’s more like a mental checklist where I think about the different attributes of something (like the color of my sheets, or how many pillows I have) rather than actually see something like the whole bed? Idk. That’s the best way I can think of to explain it.

Ngl, that might very well be part of why writing description like was so difficult and SO FUCKING BORING to me. I didn’t really see things in my head and I’m not a very visual person in general, so I don’t focus a ton on those details anyway as a reader or when I’m physically somewhere. So l felt like all my description was so hamfisted and awkward as a result, and I had absolutely no concept of how much was enough or too much.

But then she goes on in the book to say:

“All description filters through the viewpoint character and is colored by who they are as a person.” And I was just like…ohhhhhhh!!!! That’s exactly what that fanfic did!!!

And then:

“What they notice will also be largely influenced by their circumstances. A character heading into a job interview will be hyper aware of their own appearance, whereas a character who’s crawling around in a cave looking for hidden treasure won’t. A character who is running for their life will notice different things about their surroundings than will a character who isn’t in immediate danger.

If it’s not something they would notice, then we either have to leave it out or come up with a believable, realistic reason for them to notice it.”

Like. OF FUCKING COURSE?! THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE?! HOW DID I NEVER GRASP THIS BEFORE?!

Marcy Kennedy goes on to give other tips like “a good description is specific” and “a good description allows less to be more.” And about how it’s more important to focus on specific, unique details than to try and describe everything about the scene/character (like I would do before). Like, focusing on stuff readers will actually remember and that paints a clearer picture.

She also delves into the specifics of writing for the five senses (another thing I always heard suggested, but never felt I executed well). And on how people naturally notice things from bigger/more obvious to smaller/more specific. She also talks about the psychology behind the things people naturally notice and why and how it’s impacted by who they are as a person (ex. the career they have, their gender, etc).

She gets even more specific with stuff like:

“Description for the purpose of grounding should be quick and needs to happen within the first few paragraphs of a new scene.

If time is the only thing that’s changed, we’ll need to use even less description than if our characters also changed location.

As a general guideline, describe a place in the most depth the first time that setting shows up on the page. Later on, unless something important has changed, a brief re-orienting passage is enough.”

I have DESPERATELY been searching for something this specific. Like just PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME HOW MANY SENTENCES/PARAGRAPHS TO USE AND HOW FREQUENTLY TO USE DESCRIPTION. And ON GOD that’s exactly what this book does! ദ്ദി ꒦ິ꒳꒦ິ )✧

I still need to finish reading it but omfg I about lost my mind when I found the holy grail I’d been searching for.

And like, I’m sure my description still needs work and I’m using a sledgehammer instead of a regular hammer sometimes. But I’m learning and growing! And I’m sure it’ll become easier with practice! Hell, half the time I’ll write something and not realize until, oh I don’t know I’ve pretty much finished my fucking 100k word fanfic, that I fucking never really physically described my Tav?! I shouldn’t have said that… Now everyone will notice if they hadn’t already.. FUCK.

BUT! My absolute FAVORITE thing to write is character and being told “write description through the lens of your character” got me so fucking hype. I’m not sitting there anymore like “What’s in this room, what would a reader who sees what they read in their head (definitely not me) find most interesting?” and am instead like “What would Character A notice in this room? How are they feeling right now? What does X remind them of? What are they thinking about? What do they like and dislike, how does that impact what they pay attention to?” And I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!

And I AM SURE this is not groundbreaking information for 99.9% of folks but IT WAS FOR ME!!!!! It has easily doubled my word count for everything I’ve written since then and I’m not stuck massively overthinking it all now! And I actually enjoy it! It doesn’t feel like a miserable slog anymore!

And this is THE MOST OBVIOUS in how my BG3 fic chapters literally DOUBLED OR TRIPLED in length after I got my hands on this book in the middle of writing the fic lol. Almost every shorter chapter in the first 75% of the fic was written prior to me reading this book. And the longer ones? Those were added after! 

Like, chapter two originally didn’t include the Owlbear scene. It just ended after Astarion walked out of the fortress. Meanwhile, chapter five and six DID NOT EXIST. I kinda panicked when I realized the story felt too Astarion heavy when it was supposed to be about both of them. I also felt like the pacing for the story in general was off (too fast). So I went back and added those. Leon and Victoria WERE NOT IN THE STORY until I went back to add chapter five.

Since I was doing alternating POV, if I added another chapter for Gale I needed to add another for Astarion. So I decided to make Astarion’s about them needing to find Gale an artefact in the Underdark. I started researching artefacts there that would satisfy the orb, but wanted to dig deeper and lay a little more groundwork for Astarion starting to care more about Gale and learning to be more kind/compassionate overall.

My headcanon for Astarion is that he’s always been a little selfish, or at least he thinks he is. I expanded on that later on in the fic by implying his parents weren’t the best of people. I felt like Cazador would smell blood in the water as far as folks with prior abuse of some kind were concerned, like a lot of abusers do. So Astarion spent his life up until he moved to Baldur’s Gate trying to be his own person despite the box his parents wanted to fit him in. That was my reason for why he left the Dalelands so young (by elf standards). He was still a grown ass man, but hadn’t reached maturity as far as his parents were concerned.

And like, why did he go as far away as Baldur’s Gate? Because it is like THE OPPOSITE SIDE of Faerun. And there’s no real info on his family anywhere, so I felt like maybe he wasn’t super close with them if he moved so far away. My idea was he felt he couldn’t escape their expectations without putting some real distance between them. And then, in the process, he winds up with Cazador, someone even more determined to mold him into what they want him to be rather than what he wants to be.

I feel like so much of Astarion’s arc in game is about finally being able to become his own person. And I thought it would pair really well with the tragedy of him being turned by Cazador if that happened just when he started take back control of his own life.

My headcanon is a lot of Astarion’s selfishness stems from no one ever being there for him or looking out for him, so he can only rely on himself and fuck everyone else as a result. Except he’s not nearly as callous as he pretends and deep down he genuinely wants to care about others. He just doesn’t know how to do it and feels like it can only come at the expense of his own autonomy/safety/happiness.

SO. What artefact would Astarion have that he could choose to give to Gale? Initially I thought maybe something small like the Ring of Color Spray. That didn’t feel significant enough though. Like, yes it would be something of his that he was choosing to part with, but it wasn’t a big enough of a statement to me. So then I tried to find a cool/powerful weapon or something else that he would be less inclined to part with. Whee, more time researching artefacts! But that didn’t feel right either, so  I decided it should be something with more personal significance because that’s the biggest kind of sacrifice he could make at this point.

So! What would Astarion have that would be powerful enough to satisfy the orb? And why??? Cazador doesn’t exactly seem like the type to give his spawn anything, not even the basics (i.e. Astarion’s 200 years of starvation). Especially not something like a powerful/helpful artefact. And I was like “well, I mentioned they traded favors before back in chapter four, so maybe Leon enchanted something for him?”

BUT WHY?! I really liked the bits and pieces we see of Leon in game. I feel like he’s the quickest to believe Astarion when he says Cazador plans to sacrifice them in the ritual. And he also has a human daughter! Which, yeah, that whole reveal in game gave me major brain worms. Because WHAT. There was a human child just running around Szarr Palace? WHY? What was her life like? What did the other spawn think of her? And I was also so sad we never really saw much in game about her and her father. Even though Leon loses Victoria to Dalyria. I was really surprised there was no follow up to that for him, but lord knows Larian already had 8 billion other things going on, so I get why it wasn’t something they delved further into.

But what would Leon ask for in return for such a big favor? Ooh, what if Victoria’s ill? Cazador doesn’t exactly seem like the type to be like “Oh, sorry, please take all the PTO you need and here’s some money for a healer!” I’d imagine resources suited to caring for a sick human child would be limited in Szarr Palace. And Dalyria has been looking at Victoria like she’s a literal snack for a while now (which is why she kills her in game), so what’s a vampire papa to do???

So then I had to figure out why the self-purported selfish Astarion would agree to help them. At great personal cost, no less. He never mentions Victoria in game and I don’t think there’s anything in game either that indicates he’s ever done her wrong. Leon certainly didn’t seem concerned about him in that regard, so I decided maybe he’s ambivalent toward Victoria. 

So why would he care?!

And then the Drizzt brain worms came back in full force. Because of that fucking phenomenal scene in the DND campaign with Neil fanboying, haha. So maybe Victoria has an interest in Drizzt too? Or maybe in his wife? Like, why wouldn’t a scared little girl who’s stuck in a nest of vampires look up to a strong female role model who is capable of fighting back and saving the day? And I figured Astarion hand’t exactly broadcasted his interest in Drizzt, so maybe this gives him an opportunity to actually connect with someone for once? I feel another major part of Astarion’s character is he is SO FUCKING LONELY. He doesn’t know how to establish actual relationships with people because he never has. And why would he, seeing as any new person he met would just wind up as Cazador’s dinner (as far as he knew anyway). I feel like he’s had to hardcore compartmentalize that part of him for the sake of his sanity.

But now here’s this sick little girl who he can actually help. And she understands what it’s like to dream a hero will swoop in and save the day. And she happens to be interested in stories about the same Drow Ranger  who he’s found his own escape from The Horrors™ in?

Idk if he still would have agreed to help Leon in the fic if he’d had much more time to think about it. So instead he has a moment of weakness where he desperately wants to do something good for once (the only other time having been his sparing his “darling boy”). Something that’s never been done for him, but that he could do for Victoria. He could pretend to be her hero for a little while and get something useful out of it in the process. Win-win!

And like, this doesn’t make them bffs or anything. It’s more like a pivotal moment that just started to lay the foundation for his “redemption” in my fic instead. Then I just kept thinking more and more about what his life was like after with Victoria, who’s already come to trust him a little since he doesn’t treat her poorly or look like he wants to eat her. Especially since I figure that’s probably a pretty novel experience for her given her circumstances.

But he and Gale are in the Underdark! Which has magical artefacts! So why couldn’t they just spend a few thousand words locating an artefact so he doesn’t have to give this ring up? Sure, I could make it imperative Gale needs an artefact like yesterday, but that didn’t feel like enough. Thus Tav’s sister was born, lol! And my Tav became much more of a character in the fic because I did WAAAAY too much research on the Drow for chapter five and was completely fascinated by them.

My Tav was never supposed to feature as much as they did in my fic. They’re literally my Tav from in game, though I didn’t really have an in-game backstory for them. They were just supposed to show up in my fic to help with some scenes/dialogue in lieu of me having to write more interactions with the companions I didn’t feel super confident writing because I didn’t feel like I knew them/their unique voices well enough. To my own detriment, I am obsessed with being as IC as possible when I write fic. Just my personal preference in my writing!

This was my basic ass outline from back in April when I realized I needed to add extra chapters. The checkboxes are chapters drafts I’d finished by that point:

I was about 42k words in when I made it. And the outline changed a little too! I combined my planned chapters for 15 and 16 into one and wrote something else for 16.

And then I got to the bane of my existence, Chapter 13… (≖_≖ ). That was around the 60k mark.

Originally I planned for Astarion to be kidnapped by the spawn and get tortured (a little) and then be rescued by Gale & Co. But it just didn’t feel right. So then I thought “Gale should get kidnapped too, that’ll be more interesting!” And THEN I had Cazador show up. But he was being too…nice? Maybe not nice, but like…too chill/accommodating? Because I didn’t want the fic to get EVEN LONGER by setting Astarion’s progress with his trauma back to the stone ages with prolonged exposure to his abuser.

Originally I had Cazador show up, throw Astarion around a little and then Leon was like “Mister Cazador, sir, he has a tadpole, can we all go somewhere you aren’t so I can take a look at it?” And Cazador was just like “HMPF. OKAY, I GUESS. BUT DON’T FORGET I’M ~EVIL~, even though I’m acting pretty blasé right now!” Cut to Gale, Astarion, and Leon chitchatting in the Favored Spawn room.

And it just…was not fucking working. I felt it didn’t make sense for Cazador. It wasn’t boogeyman enough. Like…no way would he just let them traipse off, even with the tadpole as the reason. Something else needed to happen. Something that would give him an actual reason to have to put Astarion on the back burner. Something BIG!

But fucking WHAT???

My OCD chimed in with: “So happy you asked! Remember that other insecurity you have about being fucking terrible at writing villains? Surprise! It’s true! You’ve hit the biggest part of this fic and now it’s all pointless because you don’t know how to make Cazador be believably mean! Aren’t you glad you wasted three months and 60k words on it? You never finish anything anyway, so why should this be any different?” 

Which is why I brought all of this up to my therapist in the first place. Because I was so fucking disappointed in and frustrated with myself and had all but given up on this fic. I didn’t know what to do next or how to fix what I broke and my motivation to keep writing it was long gone. But if I stopped writing it now, I was 1000% convinced I’d never finish it and I fucking hated that. I was so excited about this story for so long and it felt like it was all over because I “sucked as a writer, lacked commitment, etc.”

It took a while. Like two fucking months, to get out of my own head enough to finally write something I was happy with for chapter 13. I firmly believe I finally got to that point because of how much support and kindness I received from the folks reading my fanfic (who hadn’t found out I was a fraud yet - actual quote from my OCD). I cannot thank all of them enough for helping bolster my self-esteem and helping me get my motivation back! And also because my therapist helped me kill off my own boogeyman of sorts (my OCD around writing)!

Originally I wasn’t going to post this fic until the first draft was completely done. Didn’t matter that I was at 60k words. It wasn’t done, so it wasn’t going up because I hate when people orphan fics. Absolutely no shade to folks who do tho! Life happens! Motivation wanes! But I did A LOT of my own orphaning back in the day on ff.net and I still feel guilty about it to this day. But I pushed past my fear with the encouragement of my therapist and FUCK it paid off!!!

Once I got over the hurdle of writing 12/13, it was pretty much smooth sailing from there. And, omfg, people ACTUALLY LIKED both chapters?! ON GOD?! I felt like they were pretty solid by the time I finally posted them, but it was still hard not to worry I had falsely convinced myself they were good. What if Cazador was TOO mean now? Or what if he still wasn’t mean enough? What if this was too hard of a left turn with the story? What if what if what if…

I seriously cannot thank the folks who’ve commented on both enough for helping allay those fears of mine. It means so fucking much to me that there are so many people out there who were just SO FUCKING KIND to me when they didn’t have to be!  ( ˃̣̣̥︿˂̣̣̥ ) A HUGE thank you to folks who’ve reached out to me or interacted with my posts about my fic on tumblr too, especially asymmetricjest whose ear I know I have talked off at this point in the internet-sense! Knowing there were folks who liked my fic enough to go out of their way to seek me out on tumblr for my Tuesday sneak peeks and to even like my and comment on my posts about writing the fic was a MASSIVE boost to my self confidence! It also made me feel like maybe I had a story worth telling after all! 

I also gotta thank my bff Gourmet for letting me talk her ear off too and for reading the first three chapters before I even posted them. I was SO FUCKING NERVOUS about posting a multi-chapter fic for a brand new fandom (to me). I was especially worried about my characterization of Gale and if it looked like I knew enough about BG3 to be qualified to write a story about it lol. Not that that’s even a thing, but it felt like it to me. Like someone was gonna bust down the door and be like “well, actually” until I gave up on writing and became a hermit in the woods.

Gourmet also made the mistake of telling me sometimes she writes on her phone, which I have taken to heart and then some… I do like 95% of my writing on google docs on my phone now. I went from writing next to nothing to having already written 198,088 words this year. Yes, I’ve been tracking it. Yes, I love spreadsheets. No, I haven’t posted everything I’ve written yet.

That was another thing I struggled with in regard to my OCD. Not just with writing, but with life in general. It’s been so hard for me to accept everything does not have to be perfect before I can do something.

I constantly talk myself out of shit because it’s not perfect. Like:

I should start working out! What’s the research on the perfect amount of exercise? What types? How often? For how long? Etc. And then I come up with a detailed day-by-day routine of working out an hour every day that is not even remotely feasible for me, so I never do it! And I won’t let myself just do 10 random minutes of exercise either because that’s not what the experts said you should do, so that means I can’t do anything! 

Down to shit like, “I can’t work out because my office is a nightmare. There’s too much stuff everywhere.” And “I can’t just go for a short walk by myself. That’s cruel to my dogs who I already don’t walk enough. But if I walk them too, I need to walk them enough, which is at least 20 minutes each. Because a dog should have 30 minutes of exercise a day.” So now my 10 minute impromptu walk has turned into an hour long dog walk because I can’t walk both of them at once (they’re big dogs and I’ve gotten hurt trying to do that before). Which then becomes too intimidating/overwhelming, so I just don’t do it at all! Yay, avoidance!

This is exactly how I’d talk myself out of writing. Just “a real writer would do xyz and since I can’t/don’t, I’m not a real writer. If I don’t write everyday, I’ll never get anywhere. I need at least an hour to write and if I don’t have that, what’s the point? Maybe I’ll just make myself write for 5 minutes a day instead! But that doesn’t feel like enough progress, so that’s not being a real writer.” Just analysis paralysis combined with a hardcore all or nothing mindset. I would spend way too much time focused on my word count each day and beating myself up about it being too low instead of just being happy I was writing, which is something I enjoy doing (ISN’T IT?!).

I used to be a bank teller about a decade ago. It was boring as fuck during the week because there were too many branches around (there was another of our same bank literally one building away from us) so we didn’t get a ton of customers. That resulted in a lot of downtime that I had to fill with something that wouldn’t get me in trouble (i.e. reading or playing on my phone). We also didn’t have internet on our computers as tellers. So I started taking little pocket notebooks with me and writing in between customers. Which was apparently fine! My coworkers would ask me what I was doing and I’d tell them journaling or something like that because I was embarrassed I was writing original romance stuff.

I wound up writing 3 different 50k original works during that time. I’d write in between customers then go home and type up what I wrote every day. And it fucking worked! It gave me something fun to do instead of stare at a wall all day, it kept me from being too perfectionistic about it, and it lowered the demand on my executive function! Win-win-win!

But then I got a different office job where there wasn’t downtime in between tasks (or at least not that you could enjoy without getting in trouble) so that fell by the wayside. I probably could’ve been writing on my work laptop or something instead, but I had undiagnosed ADHD at the time and spent so much time procrastinating while trapped in the office because it didn’t take me that long to do my work. I also didn’t realize a lot of ADHDers procrastinate because then they get a spike of adrenaline as a deadline looms, so. Yeah. Classic ADHD in retrospect.

But writing on my phone is a whole different ballgame! It doesn’t feel like “real” writing. I can do it whenever! Waiting in a doctor’s office? Write! Woke up in the middle of the night? Write! Laying down on the couch with no motivation to move? Write! 

It lowers the barrier for my executive function because I always have my phone on me! No longer am I like “do I have enough time to go to trouble of opening my laptop, opening my google doc, trying to remember where I was, etc” and getting too worked up over having “dedicated” writing time because otherwise I’m not a real writer. There aren’t all these mental hurdles I have to leap over anymore. It’s just “I want to write” > “picks up phone”.

Do I feel fucking deranged writing almost 200k words so far on my phone? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY I DO! Could I write way faster on my laptop? 10000%! But it works! So I try not to think about it too much, lol. I have started editing more on my laptop though because editing on my phone takes for fucking ever. Editing in general takes me for fucking ever.

But yeah, this was wildly fucking long but I just had a lot of stuff I wanted to mentally process about this whole process because it’s been a really fucking big deal for me. And writing stuff out helps me process it.

If you’ve actually read all of this, you are a saint and I hope some of it resonated with you, especially if you’re a writer too. And, even if you aren’t, I hope it was at least interesting/entertaining!

God, I am so pre-upset about finishing this fic, lol. I don’t want it to end. It’s given me so much structure to my weeks and so much to look forward to. It’s gonna fuck with me once it’s over and I have to find other stuff to occupy my time and I don’t get my Wednesday dopamine hit. I mean, I’m hoping I’ll be writing something else by then (I do have an HH fic that’s 30k+ words already that I need to finish). But I fucking hate change and it’s gonna be a big change for me after I’ll have spent around 7 months on this whole thing.

But seriously, I cannot thank the phenomenal folks who’ve supported me along the way by reading, kudosing, bookmarking, subscribing, commenting, etc enough! This fic would not have gotten written without your support! And thank fuck for my therapist too because I had literally no idea my OCD was so obsessed with my writing until I was in the midst of this fic.

But yeah, it's been super cathartic to journal about my process with this fic and how I've learned and grown from writing it. And my OCD is definitely not completely gone when it comes to my writing, but it's more manageable at present and I'm def gonna take that as a win!

[nat-stimmy]

so earlier today, I got some asks pertaining to OCD that I'm not entirely sure how to respond to, but I still want to answer... somehow. I want to keep them in my inbox for a little bit for personal reasons, but it also just didn't feel right to ignore them because I didn't Dislike them or anything, and they hit on some good points about how I talk about my OCD on here that I've been worried about since I started. this will be a long and personal post, so as always with these, block the #personal tag if you don't wish to see these.

I have OCD. I have OCD and am seeing an OCD specialist semi-regularly for treatment and therapy. I have a lot of issues with intrusive thoughts and anxiety that borders on paranoia. I don't make this a particularly well-kept secret, and that is very much on purpose

throughout my life, the only kind of ocd symptoms and traits and representation I saw were the contamination/cleaning/hoarding subtypes. I do not have those (except for maybe hoarding tendencies, but that's uncertain and may not even be true clinically), so I never realized that I was suffering from this disorder.

if I had known sooner, I would have had a much, much better childhood. if I had known about intrusive thoughts, obsessions, and compulsions, I think I may have been able to avoid a depressive episode brought on by self-hatred and fear, not just of the people around me but of my own brain.

to the concerned anon in my inbox earlier: thank you. I sincerely, truly appreciate your warnings and words of support. I understand the risks of talking openly about my intrusive thoughts and I understand that there are many, many bad actors who may use this openness against me.

but I don't want to give OCD power over me anymore. I don't want to have to hide this stuff away and try to ignore it until it all gets overwhelming and I crash. because that's what I've been doing my whole life, and I'm tired of it.

if i could open up about my symptoms and struggles, then not only would that help me not feel like I'm broken or evil or disgusting, but it may help others who are dealing with this too feel seen.

I want to help people avoid the shame and fear that OCD instills in us daily. I want to let people know that their intrusive thoughts are not who they are. I want to help end the stigma around talking about mental illnesses like this that have upsetting sides to them.

I want people to know they're not alone.

so while this blog will not be centered around my struggles with OCD, I'm still likely going to talk about it when/if the topic comes up. because it's part of who I am, a part of me that isn't going away. it influences everything, even how I format gifs in stimboards and what I find stimmy at all!

[trans-axolotl]

for anon

Hi, Anon 💜I’m going to reply in this post so I can answer both your asks at once. Do want to give a quick note to any followers reading that this post will discuss OCD, intrusive thoughts, and compulsions, and any followers who feels like these topics might be activating, please follow your best judgement. 

First off, thank you for sharing and trusting me with your experience. I want to validate that what you’re going through truly does sound so exhausting, terrifying, and laborious to deal with day after day. It makes a lot of sense that you’ve gotten to what feels like a breaking point, and I want to hold space to acknowledge the depths of your pain and crisis right now. And I also want to recognize all the work you’re already doing to survive and get your basic needs met even through the agony you have been experiencing in the past 14 months. I know how hard it is when you’re dealing with this stuff literally 24/7, and how the cycles of intrusive thoughts and compulsions can make it feel impossible to even think about reaching out for support or letting someone know what’s going on. The things you’re already doing--writing to me about your experiences, finding a few possible options for help, being able to admit that you do love life--all of those are important + worth appreciating. 

Your vivid and poetic descriptions of your experience really resonated with me. I don't want to detract from your experiences, but I do want to share that for a few years of my life, my experience was very, very similar in terms of how I experienced my intrusive thoughts, obsessions, and compulsions, and I felt a similar level of distress. It really was around two years of complete hell for me and although it absolutely wasn’t easy or something that happened overnight, my OCD is now considered in remission and is no longer something that brings me that level of distress. I don’t want to invalidate your current experience at all, but rather just make room for this complexity that was true for me: that things became completely awful and felt like my life had been destroyed, and at the same time, there was the possibility that this level of distress would not last forever, and that I would be able to get to a point where I would feel able to engage with my life in a way that felt meaningful again. 

Right now, it might be worth thinking through what feels like the most important short term goal. Maybe one goal might be to try to stabilize the thoughts just enough so that you feel capable of reaching out to a friend or community member in your real life who would be able to help you navigate accessing support. Or maybe a goal is to lessen the distress associated with your thoughts by 5% so that you feel better capable of creating a crisis plan, making sure that your home is as safe as possible in the moments where everything starts to feel very urgent. Or maybe you might want to focus on stabilizing the thoughts enough to reach out to some of the options for help you’ve identified, whether that’s looking into therapy + psychiatry in your area, or whatever other healing options make sense to you.  Whatever feels like a priority right now to you.

I’m going to share a few strategies that have helped me and some other people I know with OCD. These might not work for you right away, or just not resonate with you at all, and that’s completely okay if some of these things don’t feel like they will be helpful for your situation right now. I will say for a lot of these strategies, they did not feel like they helped at all the first dozen times I tried them, and it was only through repetition and practice that they started to feel like they were making a little bit of a difference. 

For me, a really meaningful strategy was working towards radical acceptance. Radical acceptance can seem super counterintuitive, especially when we’ve been living in thought cycles for months, and when our brains seem to be telling us that the only thing that will help us feel better is the compulsions, and but then usually the compulsions just make us feel worse or our thoughts more intense. And especially when the content of our intrusive thoughts doesn't feel in line with our values, I know it can really heighten the distress we experience. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean that we have to like our thoughts, that we have to agree with our thoughts, or that we have to feel positive about our thoughts. Instead, it’s a skill that can help us get a certain level of distance from our thoughts and not feel as completely fused to them. One metaphor that a lot of people use to describe it is thinking about your mind like the sky. Thoughts come into the your mind in the same way that weather can come into the sky--whether it’s thunderstorms, tornados, rain, or a sunny day, the sky is always there, the same way your mind is always there regardless of the thoughts passing through it. The metaphor I use for myself is to think about my mind like a door. To me, my obsessive cycles of intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions made me feel like I was continually opening and shutting a door. Instead of fusing with my thoughts, trying to continually reassure myself, say the right words or do the right compulsions, obsess over morals, trying to just metaphorically force the door to stay open or stay shut, it helped to think about my mind as the door frame that the door, my thoughts, were moving in. This really helped me just get a tiny bit of separation from the obsessive cycles and actually ended up starting to lessen the intensity of the obsessions and compulsions, a tiny bit at a time. 

The practical things that helped me do that were a skill called observe and describe from Dialetical Behavioral Therapy, and a skill called thought defusion from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I’m also going to link some worksheets for some distress tolerance coping skills that work by changing your physical experience in the moment to try to ground you and pause your brain for a moment, as well as a crisis plan template. Here’s a google drive folder with copies of those therapy worksheets. 

Observe and describe essentially is jut taking a step back from your internal experience, and paying attention to what’s going on in your head using a neutral framework. When I’m using this skill, I’ll say things to myself like “I’m noticing I’m having a thought about (example distressing topic). I’m noticing that this thought is making me feel really anxious. I’m aware that right now I’m getting more anxious the longer I go without doing my compulsion. I’m noticing that this thought feels like it's getting louder.” This can seem super basic, but really helped me turn down my distress like 5%. The describe part of observe and describe is about describing the way you’re interacting with your reality at the moment, again with neutral statements. If you’re doing something like washing the dishes or preparing food, for example, you could say things like “I’m observing that the water is cold. I’m noticing that this food tastes spicy. I can feel that my leg is bouncing against the ground.” This started to help me feel more in touch with my body and reality, and made me feel a little bit more able to engage with the daily tasks I needed to do. And you can adapt in whatever way makes sense to you--I have some friends who write out their observations, some other people who doodle them, or otherwise conceptualize it with images.

The other skill I’m recommending is thought defusion. This is from Acceptance and Commitment therapy, and the worksheets I linked above have a bunch of different mental techniques for visualizing how to do this. Essentially, it’s a bunch of skills that use metaphorical thinking, silly or novel behavior, or visualization techniques to try to add some separation between you and your thoughts. It’s not focused on changing the thoughts or getting rid of them, but changing your relationship with your thoughts.  

For all these skills, I would recommend practicing them for a short period of time at first + using self soothing techniques or preferred distractions afterwards if possible. For example, I set a goal just to practice for 1-5 minutes, and then seeing how I felt afterwards, maybe journaling about it, and continually just practicing it for short periods of time everyday. I would just tell myself that this was something I could do every day--I didn’t have to do it or make it an obligation, but it was something I could try out and be curious about. I know that all of this can seem really trivalizing when the thoughts are this intense, and I know I felt really patronized and frustrated when people told me to try out these techniques. But for me, with enough time, these techniques helped stabilize me enough to do even more in depth work and got me to a point where intrusive thoughts are now an occasional moment rather than my continual experience.

I don’t have all the answers and I wish there was some coping skill or strategy I could share that could instantly make your distress more bearable. I’m here to listen and my inbox will always be open to you, even if you just want to come to give an update, vent, or express how things still feel terrible. I’m sorry that things have gotten so incredibly hard and that you’ve had to deal with this mostly by yourself for so long, and at the same time I’m holding hope here for you that there is a way out of this and that there is the possibility for transformation, even if the way forward doesn’t look the exact same way your life looked before your mind starting moving in this way. 

Sending all the solidarity + best wishes your way, anon 💜💜💜

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tws for suicide, child emotional abuse, possible child neglect, and intrusive thoughts. seeking validation kind of?

I feel like a lot of my trauma came from inside my own head. I was emotionally abused and I certainly have triggers from that, but they've faded over time from full emotional flashbacks to just sometimes reminding me of the events. The triggers that continue to make me feel as unsafe as I felt the moment they happened are the ones that formed during mental health crises that had very little to do with abuse. I've had OCD for as long as I can remember but I was only diagnosed 2 years ago at 20. One of my intrusive thoughts is that I'm going to kill myself. I've only actually been truly suicidal a few times, my depression isn't actually that bad compared to other mental health stuff I have, but the intrusive thought that I'm going to kill myself has always been present and disturbing. I have images of the intrusive thought just taking hold and not being able to stop myself. Usually this happens around times when I'm at a crisis level of stress, I don't want to die but I feel like I might lose control of my body. Obviously this isn't how intrusive thoughts work, but I didn't know that when I was 15 and dealing with this so it was very scary. My parents were on the verge of poverty and I knew it, they constantly argued about money, so in my mind crisis care like hospitalization wasn't an option. I just had to try to work through it myself. I guess what I'm asking is, is it possible to be traumatized by your own mental health crisis?

-as far as I can tell no one has used 🦇 (bat emoji) as their identifier so I'm going to use that.

Hi 🦇,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through and are going through. Dealing with mental health issues can absolutely be traumatizing, especially if it makes you feel unsafe. It's important to remember that trauma isn't necessarily defined by what happened, but rather by how we psychologically respond to it. There are many things that impact your resilience, or your ability to cope with stressful or potentially traumatic events, which is why one event may not be traumatizing to one person but may be severely traumatic for another, and both are valid.

Sometimes, persistent and distressing intrusive thoughts about self harm and suicide can be a result of Harm OCD, which is a common subtype of OCD that causes intrusive, unwanted thoughts, images or urges to harm oneself or others. However, they could be explained by other issues, or could be independent of a particular mental illness. Regardless, if you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you navigate these thoughts and develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your mental health journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[solarsavoy]

1, 2, 17, 42, and 43 for the oc asks?

1 - loyal

Rozemery. All of the Carrolls are loyal, but Rozemery is the most in my opinion. She cares a great deal about protecting the Solara line, and would even choose to protect the Solara line over her own family (but it helps that she has the utmost confidence that her husband will protect their son just fine XD). She even chooses to stay at the castle despite having a home outside of the grounds. She visits daily, of course, and her son Roxin basically views the castle as a second home, but putting her loyalty for the Solara line above all else earns her this title of being the most loyal OC I have.

2 - impatient

I want to say this is Alara. In ways, she's incredibly patient and wise, but when it comes to smaller things, she can be quite impatient. She always wants it right now because otherwise she'll obsess about it. This tends to come off as excitement though, and can be seen with how she often drags Deshi around to go do things. She always does it at a sort of faster pace than everyone else, even going at a full out run if allowed.

17 - fashionable

Nanyt! He's a super minor character that appears in Echoes of Stag. First, to set up the world a bit, Thera just naturally has less "feminine" stuff like makeup or dresses or skirts and thus what we'd refer to as "fashion" on Earth. The reason for this is because they have developed as a hunter/gatherer society, so they're more into things that are practical, not fashionable. It's very rare to see things like makeup or painted nails and such. Also, there's much less of a stigma about who wears such things. Fashion is seen as a more frivolous thing than a feminine thing, so there's virtually no difference on Thera as to whether a man or a woman is more likely to use such things as beauty products.

With that said, Nanyt is an absolute queen. He enjoys eye makeup and painting his nails the most, and cares a great deal about how he looks. You could even go so far as to say he's one of few people on Thera that even cares about such things as fashion, but he's also one of the best at it. This is more impressive because he's from Marka, which is not known as the most "frivolous" kingdom. Most frivolity is from Hummes, which Nanyt has never even stepped foot in. He is truly a fashion god among peasants when it comes to Thera.

42 - athletic

Definitely Stag. He actually loves working out just to work out, and he's the only character like this. Most others will exercise to keep in shape. Regardless of what shape he's in, Stag will workout anyway. XD I've no idea where he gets this from. (Coming from me, someone who hasn't seen a gym in a few years. 😅)

43 - organized

Trance gets this one. She even has a quirk (usually caused by stress) of organizing and fussing with things in her room. It's slightly OCD, but more driven by the need to do something with her hands. At her worst times, she'll pull everything out of her closet just to put it back away more neatly and organized than it was before. At the minimum though, she requires a certain degree of organization in everything she does.

Bonus: Trance's cousin Izzy is the exact opposite in this. He lives in what most call an "organized mess". This drives Trance absolutely insane to the point where she'll refuse to even enter his room. These two really act more like brother and sister due to circumstances with their families.

Thanks for the ask, Hailey!

Ask thing. FYI for anyone interested, the following have not been asked for yet. 4-8, 10, 13, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 24-26, 29-36, 38, 39, 41, 44, 45 (Hope this makes it easier in case you wanted to know more. ^^)

[laconic-nightmares]

hii im the intrusive thoughts anon. could you explain like, more further why it wouldn't work? what it feels like? what its like for the shard of me that is shouldering the thoughts? I don't mean to argue I just want to know more truly why it's not a horrible last resort I can pursue, considering the dire circumstances.

a large part of the problem is the nature of intrusive thoughts and ocd itself. while it is true that people with OCD do tend to have stronger and more common intrusive thoughts than people without it, the main problem is that your brain has locked itself into a pattern of thought > reaction > compulsion. a lot of people think the issue is the triggering thought, but it is actually the reaction and resulting compulsion that are the issue. without changing how you react, very little is going to change. our entire system continues to have intrusive thoughts but only a couple of us are particularly affected by them.

another problem is that intentional splitting/creation of headmates in order to give them certain roles/traits/personalities is... difficult, and they never turn out exactly as you 'plan' for them to. hell, cyneric and caim were supposed to be the same headmate and their personalities turned out like water and oil, and i never expected zathrian to be so aggressively possessive.

as for what it would feel like for the one taking on the thoughts, frankly caim isn't actually bothered by the violent thoughts that were given to it at the time, but the ocd adapted and decided to go for things that do bother it and we're having to work out how to deal with having sexual intrusive thoughts basically constantly when it's out because it's sex repulsed so of course the thoughts would go there

the issue i brought up in that other post was more specifically about the fact that you wanted to repress that part of yourself if you split it off. for this i suppose i will put it the way i did to a different system's host who was struggling with most of their alters being persecutors at the time;

imagine being a thinking, conscious being with your own wants and needs, but being locked away in someone else's head. you have no one to talk to, not even the one person who even knows you exist will actually acknowledge you or what you want. how would you feel in that position? it is not surprising for resentment to grow under such conditions

i would not necessarily discourage you trying to become a system if all other avenues of help are outside of your grasp at this point in time. specific OCD informed therapy with a good therapist is obviously the best case scenario, but it's also pretty rare to get ahold of, and i recognize that many of the other options are either impossible to get or risk making things worse.

but if you start off your relationship with the mind you want to bring into the world by antagonizing them, it will likely cause the both of you more pain than if you hadn't. at the least in terms of harm reduction my advice would be to show both them and yourself as much kindness as you can, to build a relationship on companionship and help for each other rather than for them to simply shoulder your burdens in silence

the only other thing i want to say is to remind you that these thoughts are not who you are. they do not dictate your morals, your actions, the safety of the people around you or anything about you other than just the fact you have them. i know it's kinda the whole point of them that that is hard to believe, but it is still true.

i know this is hard, i know it sucks so much shit, and i'm sorry you're struggling with this. you deserve peace and kindness, no matter what this illness tells you otherwise.