#talking about some you couldnt make it past the first few episodes

[zairene]

the freeridge hate was so over exaggerated lmao

*small rant in the tags sorry*

[insect-library]

Little Angel ☆

chapter 1

little!Angel and cg!Husk

Notes: first time writing in like,,, 4ever?? Sooo be nice to me. <3 (taking constructive criticism)

Word count: around 800

A small yawn came from Angels room as he woke up. The combination of a headache and dizziness from a night full of drinking had kept him from staying fully awake. After a few times of refusing to wake up, he finally decided to rise from his plush bed to feed his pig, and get some food for the morning.

Angel had been in a loop all week. Hed be pretty great all day, talking to Husk, sometimes others. But when night came hed get sensitive, tired, and more uncomfortable with his usual activities. Hed brush it off as an episode or some side effect of a drug, but now hed actually started worrying about it. It seemed strange that this came after telling Husk about Val, and the comfortable night of talking with him that came after. He noticed that he became generally happier around Husk, talking with his hands more and going on about things he loved. This was very unusual for him and had worried him for the days following.

Angel finally snapped out of his thoughts when he saw exactly who hed been thinking about, Husker.

"Mornin' sleeping beauty" Husk scoffed

"Good morning asshole" Angel said, passing him to exit the hotel, a bit happier than he was previously.

There was that feeling again, hed noticed the need to flap his hands when he passed Husk. He felt happy as if hed won something, but he'd just greeted his friend. It made no sense to him, but he continued on with the day anyways.

After grabbing some food at a small cafe, he started his walk to the hotel. Noticing all the small details of the pride ring. The people, the billboards, all of it was so harsh and overwhelming. It made him feel scared. But why would he feel scared? He had been here for what felt like forever, why now had it started overwhelming him? He didnt know the answer to anything, but he knew he needed to get to the hotel and into his room as soon as he could.

Angel ran through the door with his food, and ran right past everyone downstairs without greeting anybody. The second he got to his room he slammed the door and jumped into bed, hugging his stuffed animals and hiding in blankets. After a short minute, he heard a knock and a voice at the door.

"Angel? Are you okay? What happened?"

It was Charlie. Who, dont get him wrong angel loves her to death, but she wasnt going to be any help.

"MMmn!"

It wasnt anything anyone could point out as a word, but the noise made it clear he didnt want her there. He heard her walk off. But heard more footsteps and eventually another knock at his door.

"Angel? What happened? Whyre you whinin' at Charlie?"

It was Husk, and Angel was even more embarrassed than with Charlie. Husk had been so nice and Angel felt guilt having him see him acting like a child, thought he couldnt exactly control it.

"I think i know whats going on, if youll let me in i could help ya" Husk spoke very softly, not letting anyone but Angel hear him.

Angel considered it, and decided that having Husk around while hes like this is better than being alone. He walked hunched over to the door and opened it, dragging Husk into the small room.

"Whats goin on'?!" Angel mumbled

"You told me about Val right? And how you had been more upset lately?"

"Uhnhuh.. why does that matter?" Angel was getting a little impatient.

"Well i was interested in what you talked about. I had looked at a few things and all your little 'quirks' and that shit sounds a bit like something i found" Husk answered

Angel was listening very intently, but slowly understanding a bit less of the bigger thoughts and only gathering a small amount of information from husk.

"Its called uhrm.. age.. regression?" Husk sounded it out, making sure to get the term right

"Its a way your brain uh.. keeps you sane basically."

Angel had heard about regression, but always took it as a voluntary thing. He never took it as something hed be helped by, especially not without knowing.

"Woah" Angel whispered

He was noticing things that lined up with what Husk said, and had started genuinely thinking about the term and how it applies to him.

Husk stayed the rest of the afternoon to look after Angel, and explain some more about agere to him. They had talked and played and sat around until pretty late, and Husk decided to go to bed.

"Okay, goodnight Angel. Im glad you learned some stuff today. Sleep well"

Angel smiled at Husk, waved goodnight, and went to bed happy, something he wasn't exactly familiar with.

[schizosupport]

this is going to be very long and rambly, i apologize. you can answer any, all, or no parts of it, i guess i just really need to blurt it all out to *someone*

for the past 3 or 4 years, ive been having mild (?) transient stress related psychotic symptoms. i suspect i have a cluster b pd which could possibly cover that

at first it was mostly paranoia i think ? usually the standard "theyre out to get me" type thoughts, both with people i knew and nebulous entities i couldnt define. it doesnt happen too frequently, but it seems to have gotten worse with time. this past fall / winter was especially bad bc i was already doing poorly mental health wise and was very isolated. a lot of the thoughts are still paranoia based, but some lean more towards delusions now (e.g. being afraid of the music i left to play from my phone speakers bc i felt it was hunting me down) as well as some that are fully bizarre (e.g. believing that ive been an angel stuck inside a human body my whole life, thinking theres a force field around my apartment thats keeping me stuck inside). for a while there was also this... pervasive sense of unreality almost ? like i would get frustrated that things werent operating on dream logic, or have difficulty differentiating dreams and reality in general. for the past couple months since then, ive had pretty much no issues

i always retain Some grasp on reality, whether its full on double booking or a vague sense of "something is wrong with me right now", which is enough for me to hide away from people and try to calm myself down and ground myself back to reality (... can you even do that with "real" delusions ? talk yourself out of them ?). the symptoms only last a few hours "at their peak", though the unsteady / unreality feeling may stick around for days or weeks surrounding that. im still able to be mostly functional for that part though. as such, nobody knows about any of this.

i just. i dont know. i dont have a therapist (i need one). im too afraid telling my friends will change their views on me irreparably even though they too struggle with (other) deeply stigmatized mental health issues. ive spent a lot of my childhood being called insane and incapable and i dont want it to happen again after ive finally found people that respect me. im worried ill have a full on psychotic break at some point (what the hell counts as "a break" ? can i call what ive been through "episodes" ?), or lose my ability to double book, or display symptoms in front of people i know. i just dont know what to do so im. spilling it out all here. so someone at all besides me knows

-- elias

Hey there,

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

It definitely sounds to me like you are experiencing some level of psychotic symtoms, and it sounds like it's causing you significant distress. You asked whether you can "talk yourself out of" a "real delusion" - and well, not as such, until the delusion passes, but they can be more or less long-lived and come with more or less insight.

The types of episode that only last a couple hours at full intensity are sometimes referred to as micropsychoses. When people talk about "a psychotic episode" it usually refers to a prolonged loss of reality that may last days, weeks or even months. But plenty of people on the schizo- and psychosis spectrum don't experience full-blown psychotic episodes. That doesn't make their psychosis un-serious, and it also isn't a given that these people will go on to develop worse psychotic symptoms.

I think one of the reasons the diagnosis of schizotypal exists, is because we needed to acknowledge that not every person's endpoint on the schizo-spectrum is schizophrenia, but that doesn't mean that their experience doesn't come with distress or disability.

I think you could try to do a vibe check with your friends to see how they react to the concept of psychosis and psychotic disorders. If they seem cool, then you could try to bring up your own experiences. It might be nice to be able to talk about those things, and get to experience that it doesn't have to be the end of the world, and not everyone will judge you for it.

I hope you all the best, anon!!

[ohdeedraws]

Bit late to the trend but since the Velma show butchered the scooby gang so badly, I've seen people sharing their ideas for a scooby doo rewrite and I wanted to share an idea for a reboot I've been working on for a while now.

The story would take place in Coolsville, a small town famous for the high number of disappearances every year and the rumors of monsters, a witches curse and other paranormal activities. It's also famous for its renowned Personal Dectecives, Mystery Inc.

The gang would be older in this, probably in their 40s. They have grown up in Coolsville and become local celebrities. Aside from Mystery Solving, they have their own lives and families.

Daphne became the writer of an immensly popular series of mystery books detailing the gangs adventures throughout the years (I'd imagine these to be episodes of the past shows, eg. 'What a Night for a Knight' from Where Are You, 'Camp comeoniwannascareya' etc., because yes, they're canon in this reboot). She married a famous fashion designer (but during the events of the story they're going through a divorce because she has finally come to terms that she is a lesbian). She has three kids.

Fred coaches the local highschool football team when he's not inventing new traps or catching monsters. He married a woman who works as the main news presenter on the local channel and he loves her dearly, more than his traps. Together they have two children.

Velma's main focus is Mystery Inc. But on the side she runs the local book shop, the main supplier of Daphne's books. She was married to an English Professor who works at the University a few hours outside of town, but they realised they weren't right for eachother and got divorced. They had one child together.

Shaggy runs a cooking/food review blog where reviews food from all over the world and shares his own recipes and tutorials, all with his trusted dog Scooby by his side of course. He's a single parent of one, and no one talks about his wife because, quite honestly, no one knows who she is.

The Gang are still close, like family, even after all this time. But the show wouldn't focus on them, it would focus on their eldest kids.

Let's meet them!

Grey Matthews-Blake is the richest kid in Coolsville. He's often seen wearing his father's newest line of clothes and his signature designer green sunglasses (that he even wears inside). He's known to be quite dramatic, sarcastic, and generally uninterested in anything to do with his mother and her job.

Wren Dinkley is often told that it's hard to believe they're the Velma Dinkley's child. Whether it's when their preforming their heart out on the stage during whatever production the local theatre group are putting on, or failing science, Wren doesn't let it get them down. They're headstrong, passionate, and totally comfortable with themselves...'totally'.

Cassia Jones is the nicest girl in town. She's captain of Coolsville Field Hocky Team, Head of the debate team and Student Body President. She's bubbly, hard working and determined to live up to the Jones legacy and make her father proud.

Billie Rogers doesn't care what her dad and dog tell her, she knows the supernatural rumors in town are real. And she's going to be the first person to prove it. She's talkative, outgoing, and very knowledgeable in the paranormal - much to her dad's dismay.

Despite their parents relationships, the kids aren't that close. The town's folk expect them to be just like their parents and that couldnt be farther from the truth. But they do have one thing in common with the Original Gang, their mystery solving talent. Unfortunately, for some unknown reason (*wink* plot *wink*) their parents are strongly against them following in their footsteps.

But things come to head one day when Mystery Inc disappear, and the local police turn up useless in the investigation.

Now its up to the kids, Billie, Wren, Grey and Cassia to band together to take up the jobs left in Mystery Inc's absence and find their parents. But in doing so they'll discover that their quaint small town is not all that it's seems and have to unearth a witches spellbook, an old grudge and an ancient evil that many have tried to escape but no one has defeated.

Ft. Side Characters such as The Suspects aka Jinx and Mozz McKnight (daughter and son of Thorn from the Hex Girls!), RJ Herring (Son of Red Herring), and other callbacks from all of scooby doo lore!

This is just the bare bones explanation, I'll go deeper into each character in their own posts and introductions. But this is my own little passion project. I've been obsessed with scooby doo since forever and I've always wanted to make my own iteration :)

[rigelmejo]

Little things I did recently:

Listened to 20 minutes of Silent Reading chapter 1 audiobook, twice. Understood more the 2nd time around. But I'm relying on remembering the plot to follow the description heavy portions. The dialogue portions I can follow almost all details, so they help me identify which scene I'm listening to. Exciting and humbling. Exciting because I CAN mostly follow the audio Drama now (i listened to a bit last week) whereas in the past I was lost with nl descriptions to orient me and limited comprehension of comversations. But humbling, in listening to the audio BOOK now, because back when I was reading modu as chinese practice I was Very Familiar with the descriptive words and the descriptive paragraphs were how I guessed what scene I was listening to (compared to chinese chapters I'd already read before and looked the words up). Where now, the descriptive words have faded from my mind, and are the harder parts to grasp the meaning of now. I think that...overall, my chinese listening is Better now than it was 6 months ago. But I can tell that the reading-only vocabulary I've picked up is much rustier in my memory, and much harder for me to recognize in listening with no hanzi to look at for reference.

Read 5 panels (chapters) of 19天. Ended up looking up 聚会 because I couldnt remember the "gather" hanzi was pronounced ju. For some reason I kept thinking it was zi like purple 紫. But no, it was ju, for gather: 聚集 gather (juji), 聚会 (juhui) reunion. Again, I recommend that manhua if you like funny, physical comedy, slice of life. It's fun, and even if you can't read something then the pictures have a lot of the comedy anyway.

Watched 40 minutes of qi hun (hikaru no go cdrama adaptation) in only chinese. NO subtitles. First time I tried watching a show with zero subtitles including no chinese subs. I've been listening to audioboks with no text recently though, so I guess I felt I might as well try a show with no subtitles. Hikaru no go is on iqiyi youtube free (still free thank goodness), and iqiyi is one of the channels that has no hard chinese subs - you can turn on english or chinese subs, but they arent pre-made on the video. It was really cool to try! 1. I understood almost every detail! I got lost when Chu Ying said some "sayings" to kid Shi Guang, and when Chu Ying explained playing go I only understood him saying the size of the board/placement number choices, I was confused about the rest of the explanation.

I didn't understand a few lines kid Shi Guang said, but he's speaking like a kid muffled and quick during those lines and I got the gist. It was really exciting just being able to WATCH the scenes, my focus not half torn on the subs. To actually hear how the lines are said, without translation changes. Some words I could guess from context like xia qi 下棋 for play go, since Chu Ying keeps saying 我想下棋。 and shi guang keeps saying to stop crying ToT. But I do think I could have guessed the parts I didnt grasp, like Chu Yings "sayings" if Id had the chinese subtitles on and saw the hanzi to help myself figure out what he meant. So I may rewatch the episode with chinese subs. But since this summer is about improving LISTENING COMPREHENSION, I am just pretty exciting it went so well. Also the show is just so comforting. Id totally forgotten Shi Guang's little intro where he explains what the show/journey will be about!

I wonder if they dubbed the show? I assume they dubbed it, probably, since most cdramas do. But kid shi guang and the other kids talk pretty natural sounding (not like trying to sound "acting" if that makes sense, with clear projected enough voices), which reminds me of To Dear Myself with zhu yilong which either used audio filmed During Scenes or instructed the actors to dub themselves speaking more realistically (i dont remember which, that show just had a Very realisticly visual audio and acting feel). Adult shi guang also has a very natural sound to how he speaks, like the sound of his voice we hear is how he would sound if talking to regular close friends.

In Japanese Glossika app, I've studied 1129 sentences, done 9137 reps (repetitions of sentences), and studied 24:39 hours. Glossika labels me in High A1 14.7%. While I've still got some significant complaints about the new glossika app japanese course, my stubbornness to complete all the fucking sentences and judge for myself how good/bad it is has definitely Motivated me to Study japanese more. I've studied those 24 hours in the past 3 weeks, so a little over 1 hour a day of studying on average. Thats way more than the ZERO time per week I was spending on japanese, and its audio so I've been able to do it with my regular life schedule.

(Truly glossikas Only Unique benefit to me is the listening mode, so I can press play and it gives me new sentences and reviews at time intervals it schedules on its own, so i do not have to put any effort into figuring out what to do next or take time away from other activities to constantly click my screen for an hour... i can just click play new, or click play review, and continue on with my life knowing I'm learning some new stuff and reviewing things i need to. If anything else fucking had this feature id jump to it instead. Clozemaster Kind of had this feature - and i paid for a while just for it - but clozemaster's Radio mode did not split new from reviews and did not spaced repetition schedule the reviews so there were a LOT of days i wouldnt hear new sentences or id review the same 300 sentences instead of different ones out of the 2000+ i had studied).

I am curious if the Chinese Glossika app course is better? I know the old cd chinese course was fairly good, as learner reviews mentioned some alternately worded things but nothing worded Wrongly. So if the new chinese app course, please please please, just used ANY of their people on staff who know chinese (like the maker of it) to human translate, then their chinese app course should be one of the app courses with the LEAST errors. Since its a language they, presumably, have the most access to human translators for. And im curious if therefore i could study using it. Or vice versa, if the new chinese app course is trash id like to review how fucking far their quality has tanked. I recognize more chinese than japanese, and i'd be able to tell within 500 sentences roughly what the error rate is in the chinese app course.

[ikeameatballspoisonedme]

hi, i've recently watched evangelion and mob psycho 100 for the first time and it tricked me into thinking maybe i can watch anime. but i started watching steins;gate and turns out, no i cant. it's not even that i can't watch sexist media, i've watched supernatural, i did my time, it's just that anime sexism is so culturally different for me it makes it stand out more. i also hate the sexual aspect of it. so like, do you have some recs? i don't really watch anime if you couldnt tell

I feel for you, Steins;Gate is filled with so much harem anime sexist transphobic bullshit 😭😭 Can't believe it's the second highest rated anime on MyAnimeList lmao. That being said, here are some recs:

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. This is the highest rated anime on MyAnimeList and unlike S;G it's actually for good reasons!! Fantastic story and characters, not to mention that it surprisingly has a really good disability representation. Keep in mind that the first 12 episodes were quite fast paced because the anime expected you to already watch FMA 2003. I haven't watched it myself but I also heard good things about it, it's just that 2003 was made before the manga was finished so it ended abruptly

Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Evangelion but make it gay magical girls lmao. Honestly my fav anime alongside Evangelion, I also highly recommend watching Rebellion if you loved End of Evangelion

Paranoia Agent. This is the work of Satoshi Kon, so of course it's highly recommended. In fact I recommend watching all of his movies too, it's so sad that we lose him way too soon :(

Devilman Crybaby. This show is VERY heavy, honestly after I watched it I struggled to think clearly for a few days. Very understandable if you couldn't get into this show but I loved the theme of humanity causing its own collapse

Azumanga Daioh. It's a 10/10 comedy show about school girls life, perhaps the funniest anime I've watched!! It's very bizarre but comfy. Although there's this one male teacher that falls into the typical perverted man trope which is blech but thankfully he didn't appear too much

Serial Experiment Lain. It's kinda hard to follow but highly recommended for the experience alone. The theme song also went viral on TikTok for some reason lol

Death Note. Yeah yeah Misa is kinda annoying and very fanservicey, not to mention that past episode 25 it got a lot less interesting BUT it's still such a good show. Just worth watching to see the cat and mouse chase between Light and L. Also I actually really liked Misa at the end lol maybe I'm weak for girlypop goth girls

Lucky Star. This show probably has the most anime bullshit from all these recs, be ready for yet perverted man trope because he's literally the main character's dad! And it doesn't get less creepy as the show goes on! That being said I think the comedy is strong enough to ignore the bad part of the show, half of the first episode is just them talking about how to eat a pastry and it managed to be so intriguing

Persona 3 Portable. I'm cheating, this is actually a game, but having a female protagonist is such a game changer. Really alleviate a lot of anime bullcrap seen in the usual modern Persona titles. Friendship with female party members became so much more meaningful and the romance routes hands down are the BEST of all Persona games. There is sadly one romance route I would avoid at all cost because it's so gross (Ken), but it's very easily avoidable. Overall a fantastic game that made me less excited for Persona 3 Reload because the female protagonist is really that good :(

I think from what I've seen Kaguya Sama: Love is War is really good too! Basically a battle anime but with 2 teenagers coming up with ridiculous plans to confess their love. I haven't watched it though, only watched some clips, but it seems to be promising!

[lunatic-fandom-space]

"Its 10pm and Id like to read at least one more volume" I said before proceeding to stay up until 4:30am reading this manga until I was finished

So yeah, Im writing this at around 8:30am having gotten three hours of sleep and one hour of laying in bed awake, after I finished volume 30 chapter 165 of the black hutler and Id like to talk about some of my thoughts

I know that the emglish and japanese version are already further along than that (I mean, if my research was correct volume 31 did come out in german already, I just couldnt find a physical copy at either of my local bookstores), so I would appreciate it if you didnt spoil me

So yeah, non-spoilers first I guess:

Honestly, I had kind of mixed feelings about a lot of the... revelations ? is probably the best word? I dont know, like, I was reading this and I just kinda let myself be taken along for this thrilling rollercoaster of emotions but while I was doing that, I couldnt help but notice this nagging feeling of "uohhhh, i dont really like where this going" in the back of my mind, which made for a bit of a 'conflicting' read. Even now that Im fully awake looking back on it, I still dont quite know how to feel. I feel like with these kinds of wild storylines it always more or less depends on the conclusion, so I guess I'll wait for that

Also, as for my theory about the people from the Undertakers medallions being people who entered contracts with demons, Im a little less sure about that now?? Idk why because nothing happened that would contradict this

And thats pretty much it, I'll go into some of the more spoiler-y details now

HOLY HELL THAT TWIN TWIST WAS INSANE WTF MAN

like, I was kinda spoiled for this because Ive read a few fanfics where this is sort of mentioned, although it qas alqays in a pretty vague way and I was still shocked

Heres what I wrote to my friends in a discord server Im in right after the older brother showed up:

"Oh god

This arc was already some insane bullshit but Something just happened sorry if I spam in advance

Theres two Ciels

I was already kinda spoiled for this but still

like, okay, so in the previous arc Ciel had to be forcefed w/ a funnel so he wouldnt die of mustard gas poisoning and it triggered some traumatic memories from his past and he had an episode where he wouldnt let any adult touch him and during whole ordeal he would, idk dream or hallucinate or something

And he would hallucinate about himself standing on this beg chess board with a pretty outfit and a version of himself without the contract seal

And I was like 'surely this cant be literal, it has to be symbolic" yknow, the version of Ciel without the contract seal is an untainted version, possibly what he vouldve been if it wasnt for that day

NOPE

I WAS WRONG"

so yeah, that was something.

I still dont know how to feel about this, like, it makes sense even though its pretty clear to me that they came up with this twist a bit later on (I believe they had this idea a little before the Campania arc, I remember that scene during the extended flashback where hes standing in front of his parents graves also having a small cut-off panel with a gravestone with Ciels name on it), but ugh. Idk I'll just see how it goes I guess

I am sooooo curious about whats up with the Undertaker and the Phantomhives like ??? Bro, he CRIED looking at a picture of Vincent thats so weird. And obviously he went through all the trouble of reviving Ciel thats wild. So yeah, very excited to see where that goes

Im also very excited to see what theyre gonna do with Soma now. I really liked Agnis death and I while it felt like his change in personality was a bit jarring, I do like him becoming more jaded like Ciel. Theres a vertain irony to it bc he did admire him and sort of wanted to be like him in some way

Ngl I found it so frustrating how Lizzy and the Midfords and Tanaka just fully abandoned (our) Ciel after the other one showed up. Lizzy especially because its like

[maschotch]

rapid fire thoughts about 6x16 (won't get to 17 until late tomorrow ahhh) - something about the way Emily reacts when her walls are down. one part of me knows it’s the trope of keeping secrets to protect the ones you love but the twinges of guilt in her when Reid and Morgan catch on her behavior in their own special way still get me. She connects with Reid through shared secrets (him asking/sorta knowing about Lauren and she not telling anyone about his headache, for the few mins she remains in the BAU). And Morgan catching on to her episodes before, but just letting her know he’s there and asking what she needs. And Garcia checking in on her in the bathroom ahhh While I think this ep was written to have an political thriller intrigue / cat and mouse vibe between Doyle and the BAU, I mainly zoned in on Emily’s melancholy, balancing intel while just crumbling (not quite the right word but we'll use that for now) under the weight of no longer feeling safe among the BAU. (Side note: I wonder what was the case where Hotch came across CWS for the first time hmm) I have been accidentally spoiled from a friend as to where this is going to go lol but I'm really curious to see how we get there. - first watch anon

ahhhh!!!! the iconique episodes!!!!!!

im not really a huge fan of the whole ~international spy~ thing just as a general plot device… like its usually just so archaic and corny. but for some reason the emily episodes dont feel like that? or at least it has enough emotional depth to overshadow the annoying parts. not just the emotional impact on the team, but the intimate and complicated relationship she has with doyle. idk it just shed a whole new light on her not believing she’s worthy of love. it means more now to see that the only kind of love she’s experienced—with her mom, with her old team, and with doyle—have been twisted and corrupted. unclean. she craves love so desperately but she doesnt want to taint the others with her wickedness.. with the seeming inevitability of drawing out the darkness in everyone. everything about it fits so well with emily… she’s the one the team will confide in (like spencer and his headaches) but she doesnt confide in anyone, and its like they dont even notice until now how closed off she really is—even compared to the rest of them, which is saying something. like.. you know you’re fucked when DEREK MORGAN says you have trust issues akhdksd

no but i really love all the moments she has with everyone before running.. the talk w rossi ab a vacation, the migraine confession from reid, the dream of a girl on a hill w penelope, talking about trust and dependability w derek… and the only one she couldnt bring herself to say goodbye to is hotch which obviously makes me insane. they’re so unabashedly open about being a family that it makes the betrayal all the worst. she’s kept this from them the entire time she’s known them—lying at least a little bit every day to keep her past hidden. to have all that creep up and threaten the life she’s built for herself and the people she loves is just so wonderfully tragic

sucks that its been spoiled!! im genuinely surprised you made it this far without spoilers, so it sucks it happened right at the end lmaoooo. tbh i dont think that the viewing experience will be ruined, or at least i hope not. ive seen in many many times over knowing exactly whats gonna happen and i still get emotional aldhskhfk so even if you know whats coming i think itll still hit

[ifuckinglovedio]

(Usually I would've just answered your ask but I wrote out this whole thing before realizing how asks work and didn't wanna copy it jdhshs)

@aot--levi--ttd

Ahh thank you so much for the nice ask!! I usually don’t write female reader but since I hadn’t linked to my rules yet before you sent this ask I’ll make an exception! (Though to be honest, even though I've had a female reader in mind writing this, I feel like it just naturally came out gender neutral anyway... I hope that's alright!)

Jotaro, Mista & Josuke getting called late at night by their s/o whose being followed

Jotaro 🐬

Jotaro had stayed up until late at night once again, getting lost in his work

It was already after midnight when he finally got up from his desk, so when he got a call from you he knew something must be wrong

"Why are you calling so late? Is everything okay?"

You told him about what happened, and though you tried to keep your voice calm so he wouldn't be overly worried, he could pick up the panic in your tone.

"Don't worry, I'm coming to pick you up. Just keep walking, and keep talking to me, alright? Tell me what you see."

He did his best to rush over to you. Luckily he knew the city you were in quite well, and thanks to your descriptions, it took less than 20 minutes before he found you.

He immediately ran towards you, even stopping time to get to you quicker, holding you in a close embrace and comforting you as best as he could.

When he spotted the man behind you, he did his best to imprint his face into his mind. What you told him made it unmistakably clear that this wasnt someone with good intentions. Part of him wanted to knock that guy down right then and there, but he decided against it. You were more important.

On the way back home he made sure to hold your hand for almost the entire drive. You were so exhausted, physically and mentally, that you couldnt help but fall asleep.

When you finally arrived Jotaro picked you up and carried you to bed, calmly tucking you in before going back to his office

He finished cleaning his desk and quickly drew a sketch of your stalker with SP's help, before going to sleep as well

When you told him the next day you felt like you'd seen this man following you a few times already, he didn't hesitate to file a police report. He took the day off to spend it with you, taking you out to brunch and a walk on the beach, making sure to distract you as much as he could by telling you his favorite little fun facts about sea creatures, and even picking up a shiny seashell he found to gift to you later.

Josuke 💜

Josuke had been worried for some time now.

You told him you would make a trip into town that day and might not make it home until late at night, but it's been hours now since he started waiting for you to come back. No text, no call, nothing. This was so unlike you, and the longer time went on, the harder it got for him to stay distracted.

But finally, his phone rang - and it was you! Letting out a sigh of relief, he answered your call, only to start panicking once more.

You didn't even greet him, just let out a meek "Josuke?" You sounded scared.

"(Y/N)? I've been waiting for you to call! Where have you been?! Is everything ok? You sound worried..."

You told him you forgot time. Instead of going right home after finishing your errands you wanted to stroll through the city, but you got lost on the way. And on top of that you could swear the man behind you didn't just walk the same way by chance...

"Josuke, I'm scared..."

"Don't worry! I'm coming for you! For now, try to head somewhere with more people. I'll make some calls and then I'll immediatly call you back, ok? I won't be gone longer than five minutes."

He quickly called his friends and told them what's up, and they agreed to help. They all got on their bikes and drove to the city, splitting up to search for you, all while Josuke kept you on the phone, make sure you knew he was there for you.

Okuyasu found you first, doing his best to look even more intimidating than usual, and making it clear to everyone around that you were his friend. He texted the others and took you to their pre determined meeting spot, keeping an arm around your shoulder until the man that had been following you was finally gone.

When you reached the others tears welled in your eyes. Josuke was pacing around, worriedly, while Koichi was trying to calm down Rohan, who seemed stressed as well, and obviously annoyed by Josuke.

Seeing your friends all worried for you, and even Rohan being there... it warmed you up inside a bit.

You ran towards Josuke while calling out his name, the former immediately catching you in his arms.

"You're safe... oh god, I was so worried."

He pressed a kiss to your forehead and wiped away your tears.

"Hey, hey, no need to cry! It's alright. You're safe. You're with me."

When you commented on the fact that Rohan was there, the mangaka's smile he had whole looking at you two turned into a frown and he started at the ground.

"Well, Koichi called me, and I still owed him a favor... besides, what kind of guy wouldn't help in a situation like this?!"

He was the only one with a car, so he drove you home, where you met with Josuke again.

You spent the rest of the evening watching an episode of your favorite comfort show, cuddled up close to your boyfriend, falling asleep next to him.

"No matter what you say, next time I'll make sure to come with you..."

Mista 🔫

You were out buying some new supplies for the gang. Until now you've always had someone along with you to make sure you're safe, but since nothing had happened for the past few months and you insisted on it, you went alone this time.

And of course, this was the day you should've taken someone along with you.

You'd finally gotten everything - it was a real drag to find the candy Narancia wanted for his birthday - you usually would've just gotten any other candy bar, but since it would be his birthday soon and he insisted these ones were the best, you went the literal extra mile and looked through every shop in the city you could think of.

By the time you'd finally found it the sun had already set, and when stepping out of the store and trying to make your way back, you realized you'd gotten completely lost.

You spent an hour wandering around the city, trying to find some kind of building or street you recognized, but it felt like you were running in circles. The exhaustion slowly got to you, and you wanted nothing but to lie down, yet you knew you had to stay strong.

After you arrived at the same street crossing yet again, you realized the man by the street lamp seemed more than familiar. You turned around and walked the other way, looking discreetly over your shoulder to realize you were indeed being followed.

Was it an enemy stand user? Someone who held a grudge against your boyfriend and the rest of the gang? Or just a creep who liked to follow young girls around at night? In any way, your first thought was to call your boyfriend.

"Honey bear? How are you baby? Have you eaten dinner already?"

"Huh? Oi, (y/n), what's up with the weird names?"

"Ah, so should I bring something for you? I can pick up some noodles on the way home ~"

"Hey,, you're acting kinda weird, is everything alright?"

"No, noo! It'll be just like that time two years ago. I got lost going shopping, remember? And then you picked me up and we had some noodles!"

That was enough for him. "So, you got lost and need me to pick you up, but can't say it outright, right?" "Yep!" "I'll be there in just a moment. OI, NARANCIA!"

The two ventured into town, and with Aerosmith's help they managed to find you quite quickly. They ran towards you, and you were more than relieved when you saw them come across the corner.

You rushed to his side and Mista took your hand, pointing his gun at the man following you.

Considering how quickly he ran away it must've just been some rando. Still, you were more than relieved to be with Mista again.

With how tired you were after the day, he offered to carry you on his back and you immediately accepted, holding closely onto him and burying your head on his shoulder.

You didn't refuse the opportunity and gave him a little peck on the cheek, letting you hear that laugh you so loved.

Together you three ventured home, when after some minutes something was off...

"Oi, Narancia? Weren't we supposed to go left here?" "No, I swear it's to the right!" "Hey, wait a minute, weren't we just at this lamppost?"

...you got lost again.

In the end Abbachio came to pick you three up, though not before getting annoyed by your shared idiocy.

Finally feeling at peace, you feel asleep next to Mista on the car ride. Though your life had gotten consistently more dangerous since you met him, you couldn't help but feel like whenever he was around, things were finally alright.

[397bartonstreet]

Is it Weird I Kind of Want to Kiss You?

This is my submission for the b99 summer fic exchange 2020! This fic is for @letsperaltiago, I really hope you enjoy it, I had a lot of fun writing it! Also thank you @theysayweareasleep for helping me out with this i couldnt have done it without you. And thank you to @b99fandomevents for holding this exchange, I was happy to be apart of it.

read on ao3

The whole squad had officially retired about an hour earlier. It was a relief to be able to let loose after a hard day of many failures from a case. The mugginess of the bar, under the dim lights, the shouts from the tables behind them, felt like the perfect way to unwind. Leaving Amy with Jake to clink together one more glass of whiskey before turning in for the night. At this point, the alcohol and infectious energy of the place have relaxed their tense shoulders and they can now just enjoy each other’s company. Even if it’s only just the two of them. 

Amy clutches her stomach as the last remnants of her laughing fit fade away. Releasing her unconscious hold of Jake’s wrist so he can wipe the tear leaking from his eye, and he comes back to earth with a few chuckles.

“Okay, no, but really, some people can just be the dumbest people in the entire world,” Amy says through catching her breath. She pulls the rest of her hair down as it’s already coming undone, but doesn’t bother fixing her skewed blazer.

“Hey, let’s be honest, maybe they’re not as dumb as their moments. Like I’m pretty damn sure you and I have had many a moments dumb in past,” Jake stumbles to say and Amy has to resist patting down the curls that have stood to one side. 

“God, don’t remind me, and it’s always you,” Amy points accusingly. Jake gasps and slaps her hand away. 

“Noooo,” Jake petulantly says before chugging the last of his drink. She can barely remember what number drink that is, since she’s had the same amount he has. She quickly places her finger back in his face.

“It’s always you who makes me do the dumbest crap in the whole world!”

“Don’t even lie,” he bangs his fist on the table and doesn’t resist the giddy, drunken laugh that comes out of him. And it’s so infectious, his energy and the way his smile makes his eyes all squinty.

“I am not lying! You always make me look like an idiot!” 

“You do that yourself,” he playfully scoffs.

“Right, do you remember the date,” Amy says, punching him on the shoulder. Jake pauses, mouth agape and eyes squinted. The cogs are definitely turning in there, like it does about once a day before it shuts down and let’s his body take over. 

“To be fair, that technically was your fault, if you had just tried being actually a good detective-

“Ohhh, don’t-,” Amy throws her head back.

“Then maybe you would actually have won,” he teases.

“Don’t even start, we were at the same place you got lucky,” her volume rising to overshadow his.

“I did get lucky, I got a date with Lamey Santiagoooo.” He tries to take another sip from his glass and frowns when it turns up empty.

“And it was the fucking best day of your life.” Jake gasps and looks around, lips pursed in suppressed laughter.

“Oh my god, Amy Santiago is cursing. She’s cursing!” He yells out to the rest of the bar. Amy notices the bartender throwing them a warning glance. She places her hands on his arm and shakes him a little.

“Shut up,” she grits through her teeth, but she really can’t even pretend to be serious right now, with the alcohol still coursing, and even feels like it might be a tad worse. “You’re an actual child.”

“Childsayswhat?” She rolls her eyes. That wasn’t even funny back when she was twelve years old.

“I’m not falling for that.”

“Ha, that’s because you’re a nerd.”

“Well, you’re a loser.”

“Actually, you’re the loser, I won the bet,” he grins and Amy groans up at the ceiling. She tips into her mouth the last of her drink and lets it puff out her cheeks. Behind her, a group yells among themselves and she realizes just how alone her and Jake are. It’s not the first time they’ve gotten drinks together, or have been left alone after the squad leaves them for the night.

But ever since everything that’s happened. Teddy. Sofia. Dumb feelings and stupid declarations. Things feel different, something feels inevitable. Like at any moment, something unknown and unsaid can ruin the set rhythm between them. 

But no, she shouldn’t let that ruin things right now. Things are good, they’re great, they’re-

“Do you want to know that this means Amy?” Jake asks, catching himself from swaying just a little.

“Hm,” she asks.

“This means,” he stops to let the pause linger. “that you and I are at the start of an awful relationship.” 

“Oh really,” she says. He’s joking, and they’re drunk. She certainly feels drunk, which is probably why she’s letting herself remember the unspoken issues between them. It’s definitely why she’s letting herself remember the unspoken issues between them. It’s just a joke. And it’s not an uncommon occurrence to have people in your life you wouldn’t mind kissing. Or touching. Or other things.

“Yup, we’re at the start of a lifelong terrible relationship that of loservilleness.”

“Ha! So you admit you’re a loser.”

“Amy Santiago, when you take a step back to rediscover the world, you will realize that we all, as one people, are losers.”

“You’re lucky that mostly made sense.” 

“Heck yeah it did. Anyway, back to what I was saying, you and I are about to live a terrible life together. We’re going to framed for a heinous crime we did not commit-”

“Why.”

“Because.”

“Alright,” she says with a shake of her head at his antics. 

It’s a joke, it’s just a joke.

“We’re going to marry at the Chapel near the rat infested Walmart.”

“Okay,” she nods with mock seriousness.

“After we wed, we run away as outlaws to Montana, change our names to Bucky and Birdie-”

“I call Birdie!”

“And we have a son named McClane.” Amy looks at him with an exasperated look, and he can barely contain the mischievous look spreading on his face. 

“Jake, that's a terrible name.” 

“You’re a terrible name!” She wouldn’t be surprised if he actually did try to name their child McClane, he… really loves that movie. But, it’s endearing really, that there’s something he connects to and loves. She likes the way he unapologetically loves.

She taps her chin since he’s staring at her intently for a response. 

“McClane…,” she mumbles to herself. “ooh, you know what? McClane might not be an awful name. If you really think about it, it can also sound like a name for a librarian.” She knows she’s hit a button. He cackles and drops his head into his hands. He turns and glances at her with annoyance, he almost looks impressed.

“Why do you always ruin things that are fun,” he says, tapping her shin lightly with his f. She’s definitely drunk, because even that felt charged. Felt intentional. But she’s just drunk.

“Do you want our son to be named McClane or not?” She says, tapping his shin back. It’s fine if she does, they’re friends. 

“Fine, but I’ll find something to ruin for you.”

“I’m solid as a rock honey, you can’t move me.” Jake raises an eyebrow and smirks. He doesn’t break eye contact when he holds out two fingers and gives her shoulder a firm shove. A stupid squeal escapes her throat as she stumbles off the stool she’s sitting on and lands on her ass.

“Ok, I think that means it's time to go.” 

“Yeah,” she agrees. She holds out her hand for him to help her up. “Walk me?”

Amy’s relieved that she can still mostly walk in a straight line. It isn’t until Jake bumps into her that they start to stumble a little. 

New York is not as busy tonight as it usually is, and she likes the clear path they get to walk in without many obstacles. They gag and skitter around the giant dead rat on the ground, and they have to cover their nose when the worst smell NY has ever produced punches them in the face. Other than that, they’re not bothered and she’s grateful for the cold night air after hours in the hot bar. 

And they haven’t stopped talking since leaving the bar. About the episode of West Wing last night, the bruise Jake got from tripping over Charles’ box of jars of something, Amy’s annoying brother David and the picture of his new car he’d sent to the sibling group chat. 

She thinks Jake is the only person she gets like this with; loud, talkative, and rowdy. It’s the best, and she loves these moments with her best friend. 

“You’re not even ready, Bucky would romance the hell out of you,” he says, poking her lightly in the side.

“Really? Coming from the world’s cheapest date?”

“I’ve gotten no complaints.”

“You’ve gotten many complaints!”

“Not from Birdie.”

“Fair,” she says. 

“I would drive you absolutely insane with my respect for your boundaries. Make you miserable by unconditionally supporting your ambitions,” he says and Amy wrinkles her nose.

“Sounds horrendous.”

“Yup. You’d make me sleep on the couch with how much I get along with your family.”

“Disgusting,” she says. To be fair, she probably would send him to the couch if she caught him having a nice conversation with David. No way will she let David make her husband think he was better than her. In high school, one of her boyfriends left her to pursue her amazing brother. She’s never letting that happen again.

“David?” he asks. 

“David,” she assents. But she’s already ranted about him once today and she doesn’t want to break the Only One Rant About David a Day rule she’s set for herself. “I would pay attention to your interests and actively listen when you speak.”

“That’s just low,” his voice is guttural when he says that and she curses her attraction to deep voices. She clears her throat.

“Buy you intimate gifts from the heart and remind you of my appreciation of your existence every single day,” she says. His hand swaying beside hers lightly brushes against hers, and he continues the conversation like it didn’t happen. He probably didn’t care, maybe he really doesn’t care anymore. 

“Did Teddy do that?” he asks.

“Never missed a day,” she says. 

“Gross, how did you manage,” he barely gets the word out before his foot catches on the edge of a fire hydrant. He releases an ‘oof’ and grabs onto her hand to catch his balance. She’s way too inebriated to catch him, she goes tumbling along with him. She just barely manages to settle herself whereas he goes flat on the floor. 

“Woah, are you okay,” she says, the laugh she makes is almost a cackle. When he looks up at her, his face is red and he can barely breathe with the force of the laughter that shakes his shoulders. She tries to pull him up, grabbing him by the arm and making a feeble attempt to carry him back up. It just barely works, with more fumbling and swaying involved.

“Just like this, I’d support you in all aspects of life,” she teases, helping to steady him on his feet.

“Even if, in our hanky town in Montana-

“Hanky?”

“I get arrested for assault when someone tries to take the last jar of mayo?”

“Especially then,” she says. It suddenly hits her that her hands are still on his arms, she still has him less than a foot away. He’s so close, way closer than she expected him to be. Despite many years of them working together, on all those stakeouts and nights slaving over case files and evidence, she’s never had him this close. His crooked smile is still there, still goofy and sweet, but it’s changed from what it was a second ago. It’s shy, almost hesitant, surveying something on her face and she wants so badly to know what it means. 

“This doesn’t sound like the worst relationship ever you know,” Jake says and she almost startles when she feels more than sees a hand reaching up to her face, lightly brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. So slight and imperceptible that he might have just been taking something out of her hair. But that’s not the thing that strikes her the most. It’s the look on his face. She’s seen it before, from Teddy, her college boyfriend, the hotdog vendor at the stand near Shake Shack. But never Jake. 

This look seeps low into her stomach and expands into her chest. There’s an overwhelming pang that she wants to chase for miles, just to see where it takes her. She says, “Maybe not.”

It comes out softer than she means it to. It makes what should have been a joke… something else. That inevitable thing. 

Even this stupid life together that they just made up right now, she’s never been able to joke like that with anyone else, never been able to imagine that with them. But with him, maybe it’s just the alcohol she’s probably had too much of, it’s not so ridiculous.

“Is it weird I kind of want to kiss you right now?” he says softly. She’s officially lost. Lost on him and in this moment. It’s so inevitable, it’s so close.

“Is it weird I kind of want you to?” 

Her hands tighten on him, and there’s a moment of bated breath. She almost hates the giddiness she feels bubbling up within. It’s like gravity to just lean forward… and embrace their inevitable.

They’re shaken when a loud horn of a truck breaks the silence as it drives past them. It’s like they’re yanked apart by their surprise and Amy puts a hand on her chest to settle her beating heart. She looks over at Jake. His eyes are wide and no longer glittering the way they were a second ago. The moment is gone. 

“Dammit New York,” Jake says, avoiding her eyes by looking in the direction the truck had left. When he looks back, his eyes are still kind of glazed over from their drinks. She’s sure hers are the same. Their drinks have led to silly jokes and wild fantasies. To whatever the hell that was. 

To Jake’s next brilliant observation. 

“Holy shit, is that a Baskin Robbins?”

“Oooooh,” she says with a gasp. He grabs her arm and they run in the direction of the shop.

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 40

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: i hope this isnt too much and that youre still enjoying this story! its almost over tho, so if you have any request please send them asap! I have a few more chapters planned but I could always add a few filler chapters if you guys send me ideas. so yea, thank you!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : here are the requests i used. im sorry about the Julia one, they couldnt have a very big and deep talk because it was Liv’s chapter but I still wanted to add her in because i really like her :) hope its okay!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 40 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

May 7th, 2018

It was quite late but we were both packing our things in silence. I had waited last minute to do it while Niall had to wait until he was back from his concert, which resulted in us doing it together. I missed going to see him play and sing and the thought made something stir in my stomach. I couldn't believe I stopped myself from going to see him do what he loved the most to do in the entire universe just because I was scared of what some losers could write in an online article. The more I thought about it, the more I found that completely ridiculous. I was about to mention something about it when I heard Niall talk, breaking the silence.

"Oh, I totally forgot to give you that." He leaned closer to me and handed me a small box that was wrapped in pretty pink paper. I frowned but took it in my hand anyway as he shrugged. "A fan told me to give it to you. Apparently, she was really sad when we broke up."

I stared at the small box on y hand and licked my lips. I knew most of it were just rumors, but I also knew that some people believe everything they'd read online. Still, this time, I couldn't blame them since it was the truth. I quickly unwrapped it and grabbed the note first, reading it out loud.

"We thought Niall was the biggest One Direction fan in the world, but we've seen you multiple times with random One Direction merch and we thought you may enjoy this."

I frowned more but when I saw the necklace, I let out a louder laughter. It made Niall frown too and I looked up at him with a smirk, bringing my hand closer to him. Around my fingers was hanging a necklace with his face on it. It seemed to be very old merch, probably from 2011, and I saw him grimace.

"No, Liv!" he whined as I put it around my neck and I chuckled again.

"Hey, it's a gift!" I argued. "Besides, I didn't have this one. I love it."

"You're such a pain." he joked, making me laugh this time.

I didn't see it coming but he literally jumped on me and I fell on the bed with a high scream. He pinned me down and started tickling me, holding both my wrists with one hands as the fingers of the other squeezed my waist, making my body jerk.

"Noooo! Niall stop!"

I squirmed, kicking him and hitting him without really knowing or controlling what I was doing. It took him a few seconds to stop and he stared down at me with a smirk as my lips were parted. I was panting low, not even able to enjoy his body on top of mine.

"Please, let me wear the necklace." I almost begged in a low voice.

His eyes roamed on me for about a minute and finally, the left corner of his lips raised up and he nodded once before moving closer to kiss me.

I had decided to follow him in Spain even if I had no idea when I'd have to fly back to California. We still had a few episodes to film but I was hoping Niall could come with me. He only had a few concerts left before he'd be off for a few weeks and even if he had to fly to the UK at the end of the month, I was thinking he could spend almost two weeks with me. I knew all we did was live in our luggage, going from airports to airports but at the same time, we were together and it's really all that mattered to me.

His lips moving slowly against mine made my heart twist in my chest. I loved him so much, I always would and I knew it. I was starting to trust him again, so much that the tiny ball of fear that seemed to live permanently in my stomach was now gone. I had decided that I wanted to live this plenty, to not hold grudges of fears that came from our past. I wanted to move forward and I knew that we had both changed for the better.

May 8th, 2018

We woke up early to catch our flight and I put my sunglasses on because I knew I looked exhausted. They were heart shaped but were black instead of my usual pink or purple ones for the simple reason I thought it would be less obvious to the people around that I had puffy and tired eyes. I didn't mean travelling if it meant being with Niall, but that didn't mean it was it wasn't sucking up all my juice.

I didn't expect the airport to be crowded but it was, and I moved my head down, trying not to catch anyone's attention. The fans started screaming, the paps started yelling at Niall to look their way, and when one of them moved too close to us, I felt my heart jump in my chest and without thinking, I grabbed Niall's hand. I realized my mistake and quickly let go of it only to feel his fingers tighten around mine. I could swear the flashes became even more intense right after and I glanced at Niall, licking my lips as I heard similar questions being yelled around us.

"Are you two back together?"

"Did you cheat on Dylan and Heidi together?"

"Are all the rumors true?"

We both held each other's hand tighter at the sound of all these questions being thrown at us and we kept walking as they followed us. I could feel my heart beat so hard in my chest that I felt like it was about to escape. I swallowed hard trying to relax a bit as I kept glancing at my boyfriend.

"Does that mean we're official?" Niall asked me, squeezing my fingers even more after he stopped walking, and moved closer to make sure I was the only one who heard.

I turned his way and licked my lips, trying to ignore the flashes and the sounds of the cameras. I was not used to that much attention, or at least, not as intense as it was being at that moment, but even if it was a bit intimidating, I was not scared.

"Do you want us to be?"

His gaze moved on my face as he studied me before sending me a fond smile. "Yes, I do."

I sent him a gentle smile that turned into a very big one. "We're official then."

"Fuck yes." he whispered, making me chuckle.

He pulled on my hand and we started walking again but as we were about to pass the gate, he quickly and roughly moved our hands up to show our intertwined fingers and it surprised me so much I felt my heart skip a few beats.

"FUCK YES!" he repeated in a yell, making me burst into laughter this time.

If I wasn't sure Niall loved me, I definitely was now. The fact that he literally told the world we were together proved much more than anyone could believe. I knew he was private, and so was I. I also knew he didn't like his private life to be in the spotlight, or talked about, or known, and him showing everyone, fans and paps included, that we were an item by throwing our hands up just showed me how committed he was. People would talk about us and the wrong things we did to Dylan and Heidi, people would definitely criticize us as individuals but also as a couple and I knew that for a while, people would stop talking about his music and my tv show only to blab shit about our love, but he thought it was still worth it and even if I was a bit surprised, it touched me more than I thought it would. And just like that, the blinded trust I had for Niall until he broke up with me was back, and I knew that this time, it would be different.

                                                          ---

We took a nap when we arrived at the hotel and when I woke up, it was the middle of the afternoon and Niall's arm was wrapped around me as he was laying on his stomach. I ran my fingertips on his arm and reached his back, making him groan slightly. He looked so good, his eyes closed, his bottom lip a bit over his upper one in a cute pout and his hair a bit messy. It made something come alive inside me and I realized that we went through so many things to get back pretty much where we used to be. The difference was us and the way we had grown, and I knew that what we lived when we were away from each other was needed to have the relationship we had at that very moment.

I tried not to wake him up and sat up slowly and gently in bed, rubbing my eyes and yawning before grabbing my phone. I knew he didn't want me to but I searched for his name and mine in google and a bunch of pictures from the airport appeared. My lips curled more at the picture of us walking away while Niall held our hands up together. I stared at it for a few minutes and pressed my lips together, feeling suddenly ecstatic and a bit dizzy. It was really happening. I was back with Niall and we were happy together. In all the months we were apart, I had wished for it, but I never thought it would really happen at some point.

"What are you looking at?" he mumbled low, taking me out of my thoughts. "You're smiling."

I turned to him and my excited smile turned into a fond one. His eyes were half-closed and his face was still pressed on the pillow. In fact, I was pretty sure he hadn't moved at all and looking at him made something stir in my stomach. There was nothing I loved more than waking up with him, except maybe falling asleep in his arms.

I tilted my head and let the left corner of my lips raise up before turning the screen his way. It took him a few seconds to let what he was seeing sink in and he smiled too.

"Oh look, that's us telling the world we're back together." he pointed out slowly and in a low tone, an amused smile curling his lips. "I'm sorry, I'm never that impulsive normally. But I've been waiting for that for a while." He paused and I felt his arm hold my waist tighter before he squirmed a bit and put his head on my lap. "It's okay though, because this is meant to last, so everyone may as well know now. What do ya say?"

I brought my hand to his head and ran my fingers in his hair gently, making his eyes flutter. "I agree." I whispered, making him smile more.

"We're gonna get married and have a few kids. And dogs, too. I love dogs."

This time, I chuckled and licked my lips. He had mentioned marriage a few times in the past weeks and I loved it. He used to be so scared of commitment and the future and now he was literally planning it for us.

"You know what we should do now?" he asked, making me shake my head. "Stay in bed all day. Order food, watch tv, and make out. Champagne and you. That sounds perfect."

I smiled widely. "Gotta celebrate the fact that we're official, now."

"Damn right."

After a few hours, we were done eating and the bottle of champagne was empty. We were still laying in bed but I had stopped following the movie and kept staring at the ceiling. What took me out of my thoughts, once again, was Niall's voice. I blinked a few times, trying to get back to my senses, and he raised his eyebrows at me.

"Mm?" I asked, making him laugh.

He stopped the movie quickly before grabbing the sheets of the bed, pulling them over our heads and once again locking us together in our safe place. I smiled at him and turned my body his way as he did the same. It was always a bit stifling to stay under the covers for a while but at the same time, it made me feel secure like nothing else did.

"How hard did that champagne hit?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Mm, i'm tipsy." I admitted, laughing too.

"Me too." he let out, his eyes roaming on my face. "You know I want to marry you for real, right? I want to promise to be yours forever. I want to literally show everyone that no one else will ever mean to me as much as you mean to me."

"I want it too. I want to be your wife. Niall I want it more than anything."

I felt my heart jump in my chest at my confession and we kept looking at each other for a few minutes in silence. He found my left hand and brought it up to his eyes level before running his thumb gently on my ring finger. I bit my bottom lip, trying to imagine what it would feel like to be his wife, and I swallowed hard, almost ashamed that I let my mind wonder so far.

"One day..." he just murmured before looking up in my eyes. "How many kids?"

"Five." I let out, making his eyebrows raise.

"Jesus Christ, do you want to kill me, woman?"

This time, I started laughing and he pulled me closer with a groan, letting his lips press against mine before pulling slightly away. I waited until he spoke again, my lips curling more and more with every passing seconds.

"You're not serious?" he just asked, making me laugh, this time.

"How many do you want?"

"Two, maybe three." he admitted before I kissed him again, sucking gently on his upper lip.

"Then two or three we'll have." I breathed out against his mouth as he held me closer.

"And we'll live in London, and keep a house in Cali, how's that?" he proposed in a murmur. "I'll bring you to Las Vegas to get married. We'll have the best honeymoon because I'll make you cum twenty times a day for a whole week."

I started laughing against his mouth and he smirked. "Where are we going for that?"

"Bali?" he suggested.

"Mm, don't tempt me." I joked as he laughed again, deepening the kiss and making me close my eyes. "What's on your mind, Horan?" I asked lower and more seriously.

"Well, how about we practice making those two-three kids now?" he offered, making me chuckle. "I really want to make love to my official girlfriend and future wife."

"Hey, I didn't say yes just yet." I joked as his lips traveled on my jaw and neck.

"But you will yea? You just accepted to be my official girlfriend so it's a good start. You'll be my wife and marry me?"

"If you want to spend your life with me, how can I say no to that?"

"That's what I thought." he just said, giving himself a swing and making me laugh even more as he got on top of me.

I spread my legs a bit as he nibbled on the skin of my neck and I groaned when I felt his hard dick press on my inner thighs. I was tired and still a bit tipsy but the way he whispered, the sound of his voice, the feeling of his body on top of mine... all of this was too good and I felt like I never had enough of him. Even after all this time, I wanted him as much as I used to, even more, probably, and the way he was all over me made me think he felt the same.

"I want to bury my cock so deep inside you right now." he whispered, bringing his mouth back on mine. "You're so fucking beautiful. I love you so much, Olivia. You made me so happy today."

I reached for his boxers and pulled them down as much as I could, his words making my heart twist and jump in my chest. I didn't think Niall could love me as much as he seemed to, I didn't know he could want to be with me to the point where he would literally hold my hand and show everyone that we were together in a crowded airport. I had no idea he was waiting for this, I didn't know that it would make him react like that to be my official boyfriend. All of this made sense, of course, but it was just hitting me that Niall really loved me as much as I loved him and that he didn't want to lose me again.

"Please Niall, just do it." I begged him in a murmur, reaching between my legs and pulling my panties aside before grabbing his cock and lining it up.

His hip movement was slow and as he pushed himself inside me, I felt my eyes roll back and a moan escaped my lips. I moved my knees up as he lied on top of me, holding himself on his elbows as he started thrusting in and out of me slowly. It felt like torture but at the same time it was so good I moved my chin up, feeling his lips leave kisses on it.

"I love you, can't believe you're my girlfriend again." he whispered, his lips brushing against my skin.

"I was always yours, Niall. I've always been yours. Since I was 6 years old. I knew I belonged to you." I replied just as low and without thinking. "I was just scared you didn't belong to me"

He pushed himself deeper inside me and it felt so good I let out an other whimper. He remained still, waiting for my eyes to open again and meet his, and I felt one of his hands slip in my hair while the other moved a lock out of my eyes.

"I belong to you." he confessed, making a shiver run across my back. "All this soulmate shit? I believe in it now. I have to."

I bit my bottom lip, making him glance at my mouth before looking back in my eyes.

"I love you. I fucking love you." I had barely finished my sentence that he was pressing his mouth against mine again, this time fucking me harder and faster.

My back arched after a few minutes and I moaned in his mouth this time, right before his thrusts became unsteady and a bit sloppy. The orgasm felt amazing and I gripped his arms as I felt his muscles tighten. I pressed my thighs on each sides of him, pushing myself against him in motion with him as he came. Nothing felt better than that post orgasm feeling with Niall on top of me. His lips found mine and he kissed me slowly but deeply for a while until we both got down of our highs and even a little bit after.

"I'm so happy you followed me here." he admitted with a smile as I tilted my head on the pillow.

"Me too." I licked my lips and raised my eyebrows. "Are you gonna follow me back to Cali in a few days?"

"Nothing will stop me from going with you. Nothing."

He rolled off of me and I pushed the covers to breathe fresh air, just realizing that I needed it. Niall grabbed my hand and I focused back on him as he stared at my fingers, making me try to suppress the smile stuck on my lips.

"Please come to my show tomorrow." he just let out, his fingers brushing gently against mine, exactly where a wedding ring would be. "We're officially together now, so we don't care who sees you or what they see."

My heart skipped a beat and I licked my lips nervously. It would be a good start but it stressed me to think that people would start judging us even more, now that we were official. I knew Niall was not going to start kissing me or anything in public but I still felt nervous.

"Okay." I let out low feeling myself tear up. I swallowed my tears but I could see my boyfriend getting emotional too and I sniffed. "I love you Niall. I don't ever want to be away from you anymore."

He brought one of his hands to my cheek and I felt the warmth of his skin against mine as he moved closer to lean his forehead against mine.

"I'm never leaving again. I promise on my life. I'm here to stay. What we have will never die, okay?"

I nodded quickly and bit my bottom lip as I felt a tear run down my cheek. I could swear he was tearing up too and I pressed my parted lips against his. "Okay."

May 9th, 2018

I hadn't realize how much I had missed watching Niall sing and play. He was always the kid who was singing, dancing, or playing guitar when we were younger, and it always brought a bunch of people around him. He seemed so untouchable, even for me, who was his best friend. Now, with the literal crowds and album selling, it was even more obvious, but a lot less scary. The fact that I knew he loved me definitely helped but watching him do what he's always loved but this time, as a living, was just breathtaking. He was breathtaking.

I chuckled when he winked at me subtly and I rolled my eyes with a smile until I felt a hand on my arm. I jumped slightly and turned again to look at Julia who was smiling widely at me. I thought I knew what she was going to say but instead, she pulled me close into a tight hug. It took me a few seconds to answer it but when I did, she jumped a few times, bringing me with her, and finally pulled away.

"I saw the video!" she said happily, her lips curled into a bit grin.

"The video?"

"Of you two at the airport!"

I felt my cheeks turn a soft shade of red as they burned a bit and cleared my throat, looking away. I knew there were pictures but I was not aware someone was filming. Come to think about it, it was not surprising, after all. I felt two strong arms wrap around my neck from behind and I smiled immediately, recognizing the touch and the perfume. It was crazy how he still affected my moods but I could also see that I influenced his, and that made our relationship so much better.

"Niall!" he let go of me to hug Julia and I smiled, taking a step away. "I'm so happy for you! I knew it would happen! I told you you had to keep hope!"

Niall's eyes found mine and his smile faltered as his embrace around his friend loosened.

"I sort of... confided in Julia." he admitted, licking his lips as mine parted. "I know you wanted me to keep the secret, but I didn't know what to do, and I felt like shit... I needed to talk to someone."

He looked at me with fear in his eyes, as if I was going to turn on my heels and leave, but I just tilted my head on the side while staring at him.

"Hey, I understand. She's one of your closest friends." I pointed out with a shrug before sending him a smile. "I talk to Louis about almost everything." I shrugged again. "Besides, I like her."

Julia smiled more and grabbed my arm, pulling me closer to them to hug both of us at the same time. I laughed and after a few seconds, she pulled away and smiled again.

"I'll wait for you guys backstage. We're going to celebrate right?" she asked as Niall and I glanced at each other, a bit unsure. "It's one of my last shows! We have to go grab a drink together!"

"Sure, we'll do that."

She left with a big grin and I turned to Niall who was smiling fondly at me. I frowned, my lips still curled, but I had to admit that the way he was looking at me made something twitch in my stomach.

"Thank you." he whispered, bending down to kiss the top of my head.

"For?"

"For wanting to get to know my friends. I know you get along great with all our childhood friends, and my cousins and all, but I've made great friends while doing this job, and you never really seemed to be interested in befriending them too, well, except for Harry, Louis and Liam.”

I shrugged a shoulder and looked away before looking back at him and raising my nose in a small grimace. "You used to hang out with many celebrities, especially when you were dating Heidi. I don't know, Niall, to me, it's a bit intimidating." I admitted. "I never felt like I fitted with them, or belonged with those famous faces. It's just weird to me."

"I'd love to present them to you. I promise they're great."

I stared at him and after a while, my lips curled again. "Sure, I'd love to meet them." I just gave in and by seeing the smile on his face, I knew it made him happy. "Let's start with Julia. I already know I love her."

Niall laughed and cupped my face, tilting my chin up before reaching for my mouth with his. "And I know I love you."

[footponshoulder]

So regular followers know I use this platform now and again just to post about how im feeling. Just scroll past this kind of shit, it is more a way of getting things off my chest without actually having to talk to anyone about it and as I am shit at explaining things verbally it never comes out right anyway.

But yeah for the past couple of weeks I dont know, I dont feel depressed, but neither am I happy.

Let me explain wa gwaan for some context.

Around this time last year I had probably the most terrible mental health breakdown I have ever had. I am actually surprised my mum didn’t get me sectioned, because at that time I probably needed it. This was down to a break up with my ex.

Well, at the start of December, I did the silly thing of getting back in contact with her, and yeah you know the score....

Like I did really like this girl when I was going out with her, even though she fucked with my mind nuff times in the 9-10 months we were together, I cant really explain it, but she just had something about her, I was a metaphorical moth to a flame.

So after we linked a couple of times, we agreed to take things slooooow and just see how things go, no pressure, nothing. And that is how I wanted to it too, I did not want to go in all guns blazing and based upon my past experiences with her, allow her to mentally fuck me over once more (since what happened back in Jan last year, my mental health has honestly been the best it has been ever since I had my first mental breakdown when I was 27-28, you could even say I have been content with life for the first time since I was probably a teenager)

But then at the start of Jan, she went back to just airing me (this is what she did constantly when we were together, I know she wasnt cheating or whatever, but her own mental health issues come to the fore). Now I have told her plenty times that kind of shit is not fair on me or anyone infact, and if things are hard then all you need to do is explain it to me, of course I would try and help, but ultimately it is her life, so there is only so much I can do, and it is down to her if she wants that help anyway.

I know that her mental health has seriously plummeted recently, just going by what she posts on social media. I have tried to reach out, not even on a simpin tip, but as someone who is genuinely worried  about her welfare. I have sent texts and tried to call and make it clear that it is cool if she doesnt want to talk, but just to tell me she is okay, even if she isnt. But calls ignored, texts not replied to.

I was thinking about this earlier, unless I am close to you, if you act in that kind of way to me then I honestly couldnt care less, you’re just out of my life. Thank U next. 

But I cant do this to her. Again I can not explain why. For what she did to me last year I am WELL within my rights to say “fuck you” and get along with my life. 

I have breakups in the past of course, some better than others (note the ex before the one I am talking about now, who literally stabbed me when we broke up lol) but never ever have I felt this kind of way towards someone. 

But the problem is, it is consuming me. I just want to hear from her. I can not stop myself checking her social media to see how she is doing, because that is the only way for me to know that she is still ‘there’ if you get me.

However at the same time, I second guess myself, to think, well was it something I said when we linked to make her par me off. Or has she come to her senses and realised meeting up was the wrong thing to do. Well if that is the case and you are too embarrassed to admit it, then just block me, atleast then I would get the message.

I have even told her, like if you want me to fuck off out your life, all you need to do is tell me and I will. I think then it would actually trigger something in my brain to get on with my life. But no, she is always checking my story on Insta, so I know there must be some sort of feeling there?!

Anyway, in the past few years I have learnt what triggers my real bad depression episodes, and that is rejection, and just like Freud said it stems back to my Mum and how I was treated growing up. 

But because I have genuinely strived so hard in the past year to be more positive and better myself, I have not become all depressed, but I just have no discernible emotions at the moment. Not in the Anhedonia/Avolition sense. I guess how I can describe it, is that life my emotions are just ‘beige’. Not dark, nor colorful, just mehhhhh.

Not that i want to be all depressive and slitting my wrists, far from it, but atleast then I actually know how I am feeling. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing right?

Like I have been thinking all evening, about whether I should try and call her, but then I dont want to embarrass myself when she doesnt answer, or send a text and get left on ‘read’ (and btw, I am not some total freak trying to call her every day, or sending a million texts). However at the same time, i want her to know I still care about her, in the sense that I just want to make sure she is ‘okay’. But knowing her, she wont reach out to me first, so all I can do is try, but should I be bothering to try? There is only so much ignoring I can take, but I know she is finding this 3rd lockdown particularly hard. So I do not want to push to hard for some sort of recognition from her, but nor can I be that much of cunt and just delete her out myself.

LOL why the fuck cant my life just be a bit more simpler, and why the fuck do I go for girls who are just human red flags?!

Anyway I have a banging headache. I’m out. Peace and Love x

[smallblueandloud]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 for the writing ask- I AM SO SORRY I COULDNT STOP!!! xoxo

aaaah these questions look SO GOOD thank you so much <3 <3 for this ask meme, which will be open all weekend!

1. tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

i pulled open all of my WIP google docs for this and my laptop started whirring ominously, lmao. this is going to be a Little Long but i love talking about my wips so who cares!! (under the cut because EXCERPTS)

guys and dolls but gay - very, very casual rewrite of guys and dolls if sky masterson was a woman. i’m loving how chill i’m being about this one because it’s so much fun to not have to worry how i’m going to write lyrics in a not-weird way and just focus on the story. this one’s first because it’s theoretically closest to being finished.

sky, laughing: “oh? people. all the people you turn down every day. well, i imagine there’s someone out there that’ll catch your eye.”

sarah, stiffening: “...yes, there will be.”

sky: “and what might this person be like?”

sarah: “he will not be a gambler, for one.”

sky does not miss the pointed pronoun. “i’m not interested in what he won’t be, i’m interested in what he will be.” she sits down on the desk, in a pointedly masculine pose, and sets her fedora next to her - at her most Hot Queer, basically. “how will you know when he gets to you?”

my fic for the aos rarepair fic exchange - i can’t give any plot or ship details, for obvious reasons, but it’s 1.3k and i’m having fun with it!

steven roadtrip of destiny - canon divergent fic set at the end of steven universe future where steven goes on a roadtrip instead of... canon. it deals with some heavy emotions and it’s also a character study so it’s tentatively shelved until i get around to rewatching suf. but i am projecting on steven like crazy and it’s really, really cathartic. it’s taught me a lot about myself too lmao.

He’s never been anonymous before. He kind of likes it. It means he can fold his arms on the table and put his head down without Pearl worrying about his posture, or someone asking him if something’s okay.

In the last few months, he’s grown to hate people asking him how he’s doing, or if he’s okay. He always ends up lying, because he doesn’t want to worry them, and he ends up feeling worse.

Probably because it’s more of him supporting other people without supporting himself.

He should have told someone how he was feeling. He should have reached out. Sadie could’ve helped him. Lars would’ve listened. Connie would have hugged him and then found him the appropriate mental health professional.

(God, Steven wants a hug. Also the appropriate mental health professional? Whoever that would be.)

untitled aos fic - i don’t want to give a lot of details because :eye emoji: and also i don’t know much about what the plot of this is going to be anyway, lmao. but here’s an excerpt:

daisy “that actor who doesn’t shut up about data harvesting” johnson (@daisyquake) tweeted: two weeks :eyes emoji:

Elena Rodriguez | Seven Cents S2 Streaming On Netflix Now! (@yoyorodriguez) retweeted and added: the problem with being friends with daisy is that you SHOULD have some insight into what her tweets mean but you still have no idea

Fitz (@justfitz) retweeted and added: Try being married to her

untitled star wars twins fic - because i am a total and massive nerd. i’m just kind of stuffing everything i have feels about from the post-anh era into this and planning on figuring it out later? i’m really loving talking about the culture of alderaan (and the culture of the survivors) and also i just love writing luke and leia’s relationship... so much......

(no excerpt for that one because i’ve basically posted all of it in various posts lmao)

aos ds9 au - i’ve posted a LOT about this already and i want to keep the plot a surprise but fsk is in this and married and half the cast is aliens, what else do you need in life.

“Good morning,” says Jemma, coming into the room with her hair wet and her uniform crooked. “Hello, darling.”

“Hi,” says Daisy, turning her face up for a kiss. Jemma obliges absently as she walks past, looking around the room.

“Has anyone seen my hair clip?”

“No,” say Fitz and Daisy in unison.

and of course, last but never least in my heart, chapter 3 of the magnum opus - writing this is on hold until my brain decides to stop hitting me over the head at every possible moment, but there’s like... 2k written so far? it’s. it’s going.

“Yeah, yeah,” says Coulson, and makes quick work of the right gauntlet. It’s only halfway through the left one that his fingers slow and he says, quietly, “Simmons designed these, didn’t she?”

She lets out a quick breath. “Yeah.”

He stays quiet for a few more seconds, finishing up the last of the straps, making sure they’re tight enough. Finally, he says, “She should be helping you with these.”

Daisy pulls her arms back and swallows down some words, or maybe a couple of feelings, or maybe a sob. “Yeah, well.”

2. tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

the last sentence of the magnum opus!!!!!!!!!!

no, lmao, i’m gonna try to be serious. i really, really want to write some librarians fic in the near future? also MORE OF THE SENSE8 AU. i’m DYING to write some stuff about that. especially sam’s cluster, for some reason? Let’s Make Him Suffer (Comedically)! one day i’m gonna finish that list of what cluster/situation each song is about and then it’ll be over for all of us!

3. what is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

i spent about eight months imagining a scene where riza hawkeye was really injured and mustang was holding her in his arms (basically the promised day scene but with more privacy) so does that count?

hmm, just for some other possibilities: glinda telling dorothy about elphaba, laura somehow seeing or speaking to natasha during catws, a good omens au of the good place (specifically the ”i don’t even like you!” / “you doooooooo” scene), kencyrath au of star wars (ESPECIALLY THIS ONE, except setting up the first scene alone would take 7k, but i want to talk about leia and luke and their MESSED UP TRUST ISSUES in this au).

oh, also, something about star trek tng where jean-luc and beverly and jack were in love and then jack died and picard left. more specifically a scene set during the pilot episode where jean-luc very cordially offers beverly the option to transfer off the enterprise, that he wouldn’t dream of holding it against her, and beverly very cordially telling jean-luc to go fuck himself. i want to write 30k of that broken triad. i want it so bad. i dream of that fic. maybe one day when i find myself with a completely empty month or two, i’ll binge all of tng and Write Some Stuff.

4. share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

since you and i have tww in common, i’m gonna do a tww fic! otherwise i’d have to reread literally every fic i’ve ever written, lmao.

(this is long but i put this post under the cut so i have RIGHTS. also consider this a sneak peek for the j/d fic in the sense8 au?)

“It’s okay,” says Helen. She sits for a moment in silence, seeming thoughtful. “The Congressman and I are in the same cluster,” she says eventually. “I’d- I supposed that’s easier on the Secret Service?”

“Yes,” says Donna. “The-”

She stops herself from saying anything further. President Bartlet and the First Lady aren’t exactly quiet about who’s in their cluster, especially with senior staff, but that doesn’t mean she should go talking about it in an unsecured room in LA, of all places.

To cover for her blunder, she gives up something else: “The same with Josh. They got really lucky with him, actually. It’s just him and me, so they won’t have to worry about anyone threatening the Chief of Staff through the barista in the local Starbucks.”

Helen looks up from the Ohio numbers she’d drifted back to, a slow smile creeping up on her face. “Josh is in your cluster?”

“Uh-” says Donna, feeling like national security wasn’t worth whatever she’s just blundered into. Oops. “Josh- Josh is my cluster, ma’am.”

She catches her mistake the second it’s out of her mouth, but Helen doesn’t call her on it, more focused on other revelations. “No wonder you two look at each other the way you do!” she says, sounding delighted. Donna shuts her eyes, praying for this to go away. It’s not that she’s ashamed of Josh - it’s just so, so complicated, and other people never think about how difficult it was. Still is.

i’m just... i really liked the idea of donna fumbling and having to reveal this to cover up for what else she was going to say? i don’t know why i’m so charmed by this. i think it’s because it would be impossible in the show - you can’t show what someone was going to say on television, not without a lot of setup and very careful scripting. it’s just a really fun situation to write about and i’m really proud of this conversation in general.

also helen santos was a dream to write and i love her a lot. i kind of want to write one of the fics in the series about her and her cluster solely because like... look at her. she’s a delight in literally every scene. i love her.

5. what character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

daisy johnson!!! i love writing daisy johnson!!!! she is the most adhd character i’ve ever written and i literally just have to transcribe my own inner monologue and it works perfectly!!!!!

Swing shift: 1600 hours to 2400 hours. Daisy always ends up getting back to her quarters at like 0030 hours, when Jemma is asleep and Fitz is reading some kind of technical journal. Then she has to eat replicated pizza, alone, and freshly replicated pizza is actually pretty hot but it feels cold at that time of night, like, spiritually.

6. what character do you have the most fun writing?

...whoops i literally just answered that lmao. uh. i also really love writing sky masterson in the guys and dolls fic? she’s just weaponized hot queerness in a suit and i love her for it. she is intentionally trying to seduce this repressed lesbian and it’s really funny and also really hot of her and it’s so much fun to write.

also, i wrote chidi for the tgp fic and it was possibly the most fun i’ve ever had with a pov, although that was also because i was purposefully trying to mimic the tone of the show. i still think that line about michael and a grenade is, like, the funniest i have ever been in my life. but chidi’s panic was surprisingly easy to write? all of tgp’s characters have such STRONG voices, it makes writing fic ridiculously easy as long as you don’t get stuck on a plot for six months.

7. what do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? would others agree?

oof, this one is ALWAYS tricky. uh? uhh?? i’m going to ruin everything by saying this but i basically alternate between the same two sentence structures and i am really frustrated about it. i also alternate between the same two styles of endings and i always use the same beginning (set scene, main character pov, thoughts-as-exposition, back to scene).

BUT ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE i like to talk about emotions and relationships and character development!! i have my “queer subtext goggles” superglued to my face, lmao. i like to think about how characters must have felt about things in canon and how it must’ve influenced them. i like making people deal with the consequences of their actions, especially how it’s influenced they themself. i also just really, really like writing people who love each other, whether it’s romantic or platonic or anything in between. i just want them to be happy! i just want them to stick together! doesn’t matter what fandom, i stand by it.

[stalking-fictional-characters]

Ok I couldnt figure out where to write this. It's to complex for my discord vent channel and I don't really wanna download a therapy app. Honestly I just wish my therapist wasn't overbooked so I could actually talk about this there.

So I am going to law school. At this point I'm going to the specific law school my mom wants me to go to even though they technically dont specialize in the law I was thinking of doing. It's the one that offered me a good scholarship though. Part of the reason it was picked is because my mom really wants to move there because it's near her cousin. Up until a few months ago the plan was we all move there and for the first year I stay with my family and then maybe in my second year when I make friends I can be in an apartment with a roommate. The reasoning behind this plan is that my social anxiety would make it to hard to live on my own or with a stranger and that without my social support (basically just my mom) I would get depressed and likely drop out. Up until a few months I agreed with these assumptions and plans.

But now I really disagree. My mom and brother basically moved to her fiance's house at the beginning of the year, leaving me to stay alone at our house. I already knew I could live alone but this reaffirmed it. More so though it made me realize how much I hate living with my mom. She is a hoarder and honestly is pretty shitty at socializing with me. Honestly the only real support she gives is financial. As it gets closer to moving time the more I want to suggest that I just go to school on my own and they pay for the appartment. My mom's fiance's is struggling to find a job where we are moving so honestly it's not smart for him to move at this time. My mom still needs to get at least one of the houses sold, and given the main hindrance is her hoard that's going to take some time and is her fault and responsibility. My brother wants to move but I'm sure would be fine if we don't.

Honestly to me the best plan is for me to go solo and if everyone else still wants to move than they can do so when it's most ideal rather then on the deadline fall semester sets. However it's very hard for me to even bring up this idea. My mom seems to think I am more disabled than I am (or more accurately her picture of me would be correct a year ago but I've made lots of progress) anyway this makes arguing I can live alone hard. It also doesn't help that my mom wants to try to argue I'm a disabled adult child in court to get my biological father to pay some support. Bringing up the live alone topic also means addressing my mom's hoarding and how it's more stressful living with her than I think living alone would be. Bring up my mom's hoarding always sours discussions and my mom refuses to address it.

To be honest me living alone is a bad idea, I can't drive, have bad anxiety and poor self care, no financial income or any experience with a job (though my school says you can't work your first year anyway), and if I'm off my meds I get suicidal. Also I can't socialize worth a damn and have not had any friends for the past 4 years.

But living with my family hasn't ever really helped with these issues. Sure they give me rides but my law school is going to be in a major city which means more public transportation. My family hasnt really helped whenever I have a episode (honestly they cause most of them) and they haven't helped me socialize and prevent my self isolation. The only major support is financial and they already plan on supporting me financially the only difference here is they would be wiring me the money and I would be more responsible on how it's used.

I know I'm going to be stressed and unhappy no matter what plan is done. I just think the solo living one would probably be the healthiest, don't know how to convince my parents though so that means writing this massive vent post.

[villlaneve]

Life Update (I need help)

Hey, everyone. I’m sorry I haven’t really been active on here for quite a while. I want to explain myself. Just making this post has taken me lots of time and courage to get myself to do it but here I am.I feel hesitant to share this, as I don’t want this to seem like a pity party and feel like I should have higher standards for myself and should be able to do this on my own. My therapist and others have told me to be kinder to myself and cut me some slack once in a while so here I am.

I felt guilty reblogging posts on Tumblr after not having the energy to do so in a while and I wasn’t caught up with the shows so I punished myself by saying I shouldn’t be able to reblog anything. I will try to stop this way of thinking and am happy to go back to my usual reblogging after this!

What’s the problem?

I’ve been suicidal and struggling with depression since I was 16. I am 23 now and feel like I haven’t really accomplished all that much even though my therapist tells me that fighting for mental health and the way I am doing it is progress as well. I can’t really work up any energy to get up out of bed everyday and when I do I feel empty and can’t get myself to do things I enjoy. I can’t remember the last time I was able to read a book. My attention span and concentration is basically non existent so I cannot even watch the few things I can’t get excited about. TV shows such as Killing Eve, Supergirl and other female centric shows are the few things I DO get excited over and can find the energy to enjoy. I follow the posts on tumblr about Supergirl but the last time I watched an episode was about 6 months ago so sometimes not even that excitement makes me able to focus and watch what I love. Focusing on anything feels nearly impossible.

You can imagine that applying this to every day situations it gets even worse. I’ve lost my job around October and have so much anxiety and fear about applying somewhere else. Trying to get into new hobbies that could motivate me to do anything like photography or making videos on youtube is impossible without the money and right equipment. I grew up and still live in a household where if something I do isn’t perfect then it’s bad and doesn’t matter at all. I apply it to every action I take and am trying to actively unlearn it but so far it isn’t working. When a task or opportunity appears all I think about is the possibility of failing and not being good enough so I end up scared and freezing up. I do nothing. I can’t apply for a job or a university/apprenticeship because of that fear and have been stuck in the past few years of my life.

Why don’t you get a job/degree?

I want to address my university education. University in Germany is quite different than in the US. You choose a major once you start university and that’s what you’re stuck with. I got scared after already taking a gap year right after high school and started studying something that ultimately I realized was not right for me. I convinced myself that I should just finish it and work hard and that it could be right for me. otherwise I would be a failure once again. I froze up and stayed in this path. Except eventually I stopped going to classes all together and became more and more depressed and desperate as I did not know what to do next. I don’t know who to ask for help and am scared to do it to begin with.

I finally worked up the courage to apply to a different major earlier this year. That opportunity fell through/I did not get the spot and now I am back to not knowing what to do. Starting another path and applying for spots even if I decide what to do is going to lead me to more freezing up and thus more complications. On top of all this there is another factor that’s weighing on me.

I am in a long distance relationship and have been since I was 18. This relationship gives me a lot of strength to go on and try fighting but at the same time it is another pressure and weight on top of everything. As my girlfriend lives in the US and her plan is for me to move there, originally I was supposed to be finished with my degree at this point. 

Now I am still basically at 0 and cannot move to the US in the foreseeable future. I’ll have to finish a degree here for 3-4 years, find a way to see if my career path is even transferrable to the US. Speech therapy is an apprenticeship here; a german system that includes school and work experience at the same time and lets you start a career after finishing it; its an alternative to a university degree in a way. I feel like the pressure of tests, writing papers and failing at a university is too much for me too handle with my mental health anyway and the only universities that offer speech therapy as a university  degree are private and cost money that I cannot afford!

We try to make things work and see eachother as often as possible but financially making a transatlantic flight work and having to pay for food, transportations etc everytime I am visiting her 1-2 times a year is getting way too much for me to pay for. Especially now that I do not have a job. Only having to do this for another year or two would have been fine but now it will be another few years before we can even think about me going there. Safe to say this is a hard situation and is putting a big strain on our relationship, financially and emotionally on both sides. Having to spend so many more years apart and not knowing how to afford to see eachother. My mental health is blocking me from finding a job to start alleviating the financial side of this at least and I am frozen in panic and fear.

Why don’t you get help? You can go to a hospital or clinic to treat this

I would like to add that on top of all this most of the friends I did have here are on a semester abroad or have moved out of the country all together. Despite that I am glad to have my family and the 1-2 people I see about once a month to give me comfort. It gives me a bit of levity and strength and I tried checking myself into a clinic to face my fears and mental health problems head on. However, they completely isolated me from any cellphone usage there and going outside at any time. Visitors were only allowed on weekends. I had no way of communicating with anyone aside over a landline and only in very limited time slots (that landline was broken for several days when I got there mind you). I had to scramble to somehow find a way to talk to my partner with her buying a skype international landline and even then most of our calls were spent with us trying to find a way of when we could talk the next time and being frustrated when things would not work on some days because of commitments. If there was a change of plans there was no way for me to call her and let her know something was up. Only she could call and it was anxiety inducing for both of us having no way to reach out to eachother. The people there all had their own issues and as a person who already worries about triggering other people being around very emotionally vulenrable people only and upsetting them (they told me all the things I had done wrong during a group therapy session) launched me into the worst panic attack of my life. No one checked up on me after in the clinic and I no longer felt it was the right or safe place for me and had to leave. Moreover, having a 1 days notice on when I’d get into the clinic  They gave me no time to prepare for these new and extreme conditions (they called me and said I have to decide on the spot if I wanted to come in tomorrow, otherwise I couldnt come into the clinic until March next year).

I am thankful to be back in the little safety net of therapy, being in the city I love with cafes and parks that can somewhat relax me and calm me down and my cousin and aunts to support me. Unfortunately, my parents put me under pressure to “contribute” more in the household. I never know what “enough” is. Everday I get home and do chores I live in fear that it is not enough and will result in them yelling at me again claiming arbitrarily that what I did was not enough in their opinion. Things are tense to say the least. They want me to start something and get better with my mental health but never really offer to help me themselves and I feel lost and alone. Because of this treatment I always feel that nothing I do is good enough and I can’t/shouldn’t even try in the first place. I am never sure if the standards they set for me are too high or if I am just being whiny and weak or not good enough objectively?

What part of this is my mental health? am I just being lazy? are they right? 

Here is the part I feel especially guilty about: Asking for help.

I wanted to accurately explain why and how I am struggling. I hope at least some of you can empathize and understand why this seemingly easy situation is so hard for me because of my family history and mental health.

Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does help alleviate certain financial problems. Being currently unable to get myself to get stable income I feel even more stuck and am struck with panic about how to visit my girlfriend at all.

What will you do when you have money? How will you spend it?

I am commited to fixing my mental health and will do weekly updates on what progress I’ve made. Therapy, looking into speech therapy paths, finding deals and dates for the cheapest possible flights to the US, hobbies like photography or making videos. Having people looking and validating the process makes me feel like I can do this and gives me a project to focus on. I just hope for your kindness to spare any money you have to contribute to bettering my current situation. If you want me to write anything for you, I am happy to just tell me which pairing and the general plot idea and if you want any specific things included. I’ll sincerely do my best.

Moreover, the money would truly be spent on what I need to get better and stabilize i.e. medication, plane tickets to see my girlfriend, equipment for filming/photography, semester fees and occasional mental health treats like going out to a warm cozy cafe to relax and not be faced with the constant stress and pressure at home (max. 15€ a week). I am happy to document these spendings for you. 

As soon as my life has stablized enough and therapy or others around me have helped me to get back on my feet, get a stable income, etc you don’t need to feel an obligation to donate and I can take my posts down if necessary.

My PayPal is https://www.paypal.me/ninin96 and I am truly grateful for anything you are willing to give me or comission me. 

Thank you for your time.