#tamsyn i am in your walls

[fool-for-luv]

oh my god it's about love. It's all about love and the infinite different forms that love takes. nona is asked do you love and she says yes-no-yes i don't know what it means, i say it and i don't know what it means, did i ever know what it means? but she loves so much and so hard, she falls in love with everyone she meets but she doesn't know what love means!!! gideon does not care if harrowhark is in hell but she needs to know, she needs to KNOW, she has died for her and she is willing to die again to save harrowhark's body (take it from anywhere, take it all). Camilla, we did it, didn't we? we have had something nearly perfect. the perfect friendship, the perfect love. Palamedes yes, my whole life, yes. yes, forever, yes. life is too short and love is too long!!!!!! we are the love that is perfected by death!!! pyrrha "i'll keep loving you, my problem is I don't know how to stop" dve!!!!

[cassiopeiathe1st]

so as a biology major, here's some things i've been chewing on after reading the unwanted guest. this post is brought to you by the part of my brain that saw the 7th's hereditary blood cancer and thought ok but what KIND of cancer is that.

the phrasing of "permeability of the soul" makes me think of semipermeable membranes and diffusion. diffusion is a passive process -- our molecules, when left to their own devices, want to be everywhere because entropy, but the semipermeable membranes that make up cells organelles etc make life possible by keeping things organized. this dividing & filtering process is required to keep things in place. with me so far?

to me, this concept of permeability emphasizes that souls are objects with boundaries. there's a line somewhere, however blurry (clearly very very blurry) or porous, that divides self & other, and! and!! that line only exists because it is somehow constructed, maintained, enforced. see: ianthe working so hard to convince herself/pal/the hypothetical audience of this play she's putting on that she's just ianthe with no babs mixed in. or john's ritual of retelling his story to alecto/harrow in NTN. something something being the unreliable narrator of your own identity.

palamedes calls the process that merges him and camilla to give us paul grand lysis vs. the "petty", incomplete lysis of eightfold word lyctorhood. lysis = the disintegration of a cell by rupture of the cell wall or membrane. the boundaries of their souls are sliced open so their contents can be poured out & mixed together to make someone new. but even in conventional lyctorhood, there's some kind of exchange of whatever material makes up the soul between cavalier & necromancer. as our boy tells ianthe at the end of the unwanted guest,

This is the real truth of Lyctorhood, Ianthe--it's not some bloodless swapping-out of batteries. It's grafting; transplantation. When you absorbed Naberius Tern's soul, you didn't swallow a diamond. You swallowed a piece of meat...and the longer you digest that meat, the more its proteins and lipids and molecules mix in with yours, until you can't tell them apart anymore.

idk where i'm even going with all of this, i'm just rotating it in my head, but:

tamsyn muir is so precise with her necromancy jargon & anatomical terms that i feel like there's definitely meaning to be found in the imagery here. there is poetry in biology, the universe is made of stories not of atoms, etc etc

it turns out lysis is also the title of a dialogue of plato on "the true nature of loving friendship," so if any classics enjoyers have thoughts on that connection i would love to hear them!

if lyctorhood is transplantation, is it possible for that transplant to be rejected? can the graft refuse to take?

souls are contained within their edges not unlike how a cell membrane contains its cytoplasm. or how a capri sun pouch contains its juice. and lyctors slurp that shit up and digest it baby

why choose to link the soul so closely with water? (the river, bubbles, currents & waves in the river, nona saying the water of the river "doesn't want to touch us.") contents of souls = liquid in the same way that the river is a liquid??? the river = spirit version of the primordial soup???

dulcinea refers to the river having two shores, not just a generic "shore", so it sounds like they're different in some meaningful way. but that may be conditional on what happens in alecto ("if this ends well you'll find that out")? is the point of the river the river itself, or is the point of the river to separate those two places?

[crowreys-wormstache]

It's actually driving me insane that Harrow fell for Alecto. Harrowhark Nonagesimus, heir to the Ninth House, arguably the deadest House of them all including the one with congenital blood cancer, a place where quite literally everything and everyone except her is either dead or dying, Harrowhark, a self-described warcrime, the product of 200 dead children and infants fell in love with the physical manifestation of the Earth's soul. Harrowhark, a representation of and expert on all things dead is in love with the representation of all things living. With life itself. I am so normal about this.

[gideonzero]

nona-palona goes for swim :)

[thesixthruin]

just thinking about the parallels of lyctorship being compared to meat consumption by palamedes in the unwanted guest and alecto's "kiss" at the end of nona the ninth. "you swallowed a piece of meat" vs. "this is how meat loves meat". alecto's cannibalistic display of love. ianthe's visceral and brutal consumption of naberius tern, with no love in it, only using him as a means to an end. camilla and palemedes' softer and prepared consumption of one another. the sixth house's resistance at allowing one to eat away at the other, but rather letting all wholes be consumed into something new. the mutual cannibalism of it all. thinking about ianthe's unwillingness to consume coronabeth, how lyctorship is not love in her eyes, like it is in the eyes of the sixth house.

[alectology-archive]

I reread the magician’s apprentice in class by the way and I feel like chewing furniture about it all over again

[shewhosleepsalotincemeteries]

TAMSYN WHY

[butchdykeorpheus]

how did the last 1/6th of harrow the ninth give SO much information after 350 pages of gaslighting and still leave me so fucking confused

[ash-and-starlight]

Books of 2023

the list nobody asked for <3

My reading habits had gone a bit stagnant in the past couple of years so this year i made the effort to engage in reading again and wow books really are good!! who would have thought! Sharing this year's book log with the small reviews i did while reading yeah i am That kind of list lover if u feel like being nosy, (and maybe even help mi crowdsource reading recs based on my likes 👀🤲?)

The left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin Ursula i Need to know your thoughts on omegaver- [gunshot] THAT ASIDE yeah. mrs Le Guin you've done it again. I can see why everyone got their brain chemistry altered by this book.

The Membranes - Chi Ta-Wei another brain chemistry altering book. would love to discuss it with a gender studies major lmao

Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie its a v atmospheric and poignant story, I know I would have loved it more if I was familiar with the rich religious/cultural background it draws from

The Masquerade Series - Seth Dickinson Crazy insane in the membrane about this series. one of the most compelling worldbuildings I've ever seen, and most importantly it features one of the most crazy wet pathetic scrunkly meow meow protagonists i've ever had the pleasure of reading about.

Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides i liked the writing style of this book a lot! idk how well it holds up re: intersexuality topic, but its a very engaging read.

Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity, Patriarchy, and the Fear of Female Power - Jude Ellison, Sady Doyle The title says it all honestly, its a beautiful, thought provoking and engaging essay, spanning eras, pop culture phenomenons, and real life events on the topic of women and horror.

The cat who saved books - Sōsuke Natsukawa this was so cute and heartfelt, it will really make you go Ah Yes, this is Why we Love Books <333

The Locked Tomb Series - Tamsyn Muir now when people say there is a girl who is the cursed sacrifice of 2000 infants who falls in love with the sleeping embodiment of the soul of the Earth (barbie) and also another girl who is the only survivor of the aforementioned sacrifice and is. a Jesus metaphor? and also the two girls become one at some point. and every book is a different genre. and god is bisexual. and memes survived the nuclear apocalypse. I can just nod and say so true.

The Area X Trilogy - Jeff VanderMeer Rotating this series in the microwave of my mind at the speed of light it's soSO GOOD!! the movie doesn't even come close honestly u NEED to read the books. and then go touch grass and be aware of every strand in a completely new way.

The Dawn of Yangchen - F. C. Yee nice read! I was more invested in the worldbuilding crumbs than in the actual story lmao, I will forever think about the HEATED airball rivalry between the air temples and about the swt greetings / bethrotal armbands.

Inuit Stories of Being and Rebirth: Gender, Shamanism, and the Third Sex - Bernard Saladin d'Anglure starting w a disclaimer bc I feel like the topic of native colonization was ignored when it should have been way more prominent when talking about the context of where and when these testimonies were collected?? That aside it was very interesting and well put together, with first account testimonies of Inuit elders about their myths, lifestyles and beliefs.

Pachinko - Min Jin Lee i read the book after having seen the tv series (which i also rlly recommend). Very moving story about a family and its generations, from Korea under Japanese colonization to modern day America.

Her body and other parties - Carmen Maria Marchado sometimes I go about my day then I remember this book exists and stare at the wall for 30 minutes.

Dictionnaire de l'impossible - Didier Van Cauwelaert big miss. this collection of articles about "strange impossible phenomenons" sounded so quirky and interesting but i sure would have loved if the author hadnt so clearly picked a side. and also way too much church for my tastes.

He who Drowned the World - Shelley Parker Chan Im not even gonna speak about this one if you've followed me since july you know what pits of insanity and despair i'm in

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow - Gabrielle Zevin Sometimes!! the book with pretty covers put in the "famous on socials" bookstore section!! are good!! It's about being othered it's about connection it's about diaspora it's about love and friendship and most of all it's about viddy games.

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel reading this post-covid and learning it was written in 2017 was A TRIP. Psychic damage at every page. still feeling very normla.

The Mask of Apollo - Mary Renault Ugh i desperately wanted to like this book because the setup is so interesting and full of potential, but the end result was just. flat. flat story flat characters the plot focusing on the wrong things at the wrong times i was so DONE when i reached the end otz.

Babel - R. F. Kuang LOVED the worldbuilding in this, the "lost in translation" system of magic is one of the most interesting things ive ever read. I think theres something about the writing in general that didn't win me over completely?? but all in all a very good

Red Ocean - Han Song This sure is a Book. That i've Read. its so profundly strange and unlike anything ive come across that i dont even know what to feel about it. i think 90% of my confusion comes from Not Getting Cultural References so if someone has a "red ocean explained" essay plz send it my way bc i couldnt find one.

[theresattrpgforthat]

THEME: The Locked Tomb

I’m in love with The Locked Tomb Series by Tamsyn Muir, and I know I’m not the only one! For that I am extremely grateful, because there’s quite a few ttrpg designers who also love The Locked Tomb, and have designed games meant to evoke the themes or setting of the novels. Here’s a few of my favourites!

The Serpent and the Spider, by Junk Food Games.

The Serpent and The Spider is a tiny ttrpg for 2 players. One player takes the role of The Serpent, a charismatic sword-wielder. The other player takes the role of The Spider, a highly intelligent necromancer.

Your souls are bonded together. You will fight against corrupt corporations and explore your relationship.

Note that this game has references to violence, death, combat, and implied self-harm. To play the game, you need something to write with, two 4-sided dice, and two 8-sided dice.

I’ve talked about this game before as a duet game. This is probably the best game for exploring the relationship between a necromancer and their cavalier, because it’s designed to be played just between two people. It includes 9 session prompts (again, a tribute to the Nine Houses), and presents you with a setting that is inspired by The Locked Tomb while still allowing you as a pair to fill in details that will make the game work for you.

Thirsty Space Necromancers, by Understory Games.

Thirsty Space Necromancers is a Thirsty Sword Lesbians supplement based on The Locked Tomb books by Tamsyn Muir. It's Gideon the Ninth as a Powered by the Apocalypse RPG.

You play as Necromancers and Cavaliers in a space-faring culture. Paired and trained to fight together, you will solve mysteries and fight ghosts, and probably other necromancers, as you explore new planets. 

This is a game that requires another game to run, but considering the tagline of Gideon the Ninth as “Lesbian Necromancers in Space”, Thirsty Sword Lesbians sounds like another great match for this kind of game. TSL focuses on love and relationships, and is also great for telling grand, epic stories. I’m interested in the additional rules to add the Dead to your game, as well as how the game plays when each player has a counterpart that they’re responsible for and/or devoted to, especially since multiple players can choose The Cavalier, while each Necromancer playbook is separate.

(Understory Games also has a collection of Locked Tomb fan rpgs, where I got most of my recommendations from!)

Heart of the Emperor, by deathmeetauthor.

Heart of the Emperor is a hack of Monsterhearts 2, centred in Tamsyn Muir's The Locked Tomb series. Rather than playing a cohort of teenagers who are secretly monsters, you may be playing a soldier of the Cohort, a teenager, or openly be a monster—perhaps even all three!

The characters of Gideon the Ninth etc. are lonely, brokenhearted, and struggle to communicate their needs and feelings, all of which are perfect for a Monsterhearts game. As with many Powered by the Apocalypse games, the focus is on how the characters relate to each-other, whether that means getting into fights, horribly misinterpreting what your crush/rival says, or uncovering deliciously horrifying secrets that will fundamentally change how you see the world. The scope of this game will be more personal than Thirsty Sword Lesbians - the future of the world isn't quite as important as your future with the the people around you.

The Empire Undying, by Glaive Guisarme Games.

You climb aboard the shuttle which is intended to convey you off this dingy planet. Embedded in the metal walls of the shuttle are bones, sun-bleached and carved with innumerable runes of protection. The only seats in the shuttle seem comfortable enough, although they have the familiar texture of human-flesh leather, tattooed over and over in a crabbed, spiky hand.

It fucking sucks. Just an abysmal experience, and the chairs make your ass hurt after like ten minutes. But if you’re going to be a necromancer there’s a whole, like, aesthetic to deal with. 

Hope you like skulls, fucker.

There are two sorts of people that matter in the decrepit star empire: the necromancers who create the undead abominations upon whose skeletal backs civilization rests, and the knights whose sword duty is to defend the necromancers from undead abominations which aren't behaving right now. 

In this game, you will play a group of necromancers and knights, stuck in some corner of the vast empire, attempting to solve a mystery that is, in turn, attempting to kill you all. The bad kind of "kill," the sort you don't bounce back from. Explore ancient sites and forgotten ruins, unravel conspiracies which have endured for millennia, and make out with one another, because you are hot and hurt and surrounded by bones so you have to get that tension out somehow. 

Tone-wise, this game slaps. Mechanically, I like that it’s not too complex (it borrows from Lasers and Feelings) while still leaning into the number 9, which is heavily significant in The Locked Tomb. It has players explore relationships, while not necessarily expecting them to pair up - instead, you have to decide how another person’s character has power over you, which also feel so much like The Locked Tomb (think about Dulcinea’s relationship to Gideon, or the relationship between the Fifth House and the Fourth House). There’s so much to this game and it’s not even that big! If you want something that feels like it was written by Gideon herself, I’d definitely recommend checking this out.

In Extremis, by Keganexe.

In Extremis is a tabletop roleplaying game designed for 2-6 players, about fighting back the man using necromancy, that uses the LUMEN system by Spencer Campbell. Inspired by The Locked Tomb trilogy, players take on the role of exceptionally powerful witches who use their mastery of life, death, and the human condition to keep them and their own safe from other planetary invaders who want to steal their land.

As a Necromancer, you are one of a handful of hideously powerful death witches that protect the planet Hecate, the final holdout for The Coven, from the ever encroaching war of the Corvus Dominion. 

In Extremis differs greatly from some of the games on this list because it focuses on combat, rather than on relationships. The game is inspired by the Locked Tomb, but doesn’t seek to replicate it. All of the players are necromancers, and all of the players are built for combat. You will go up against a terrible, powerful foe, while you yourselves are small in number, although extremely powerful. I appreciate the attempt to make this legally distinct from The Locked Tomb - there’s enough here to absolutely appeal to fans of the series, but the creator has given themselves enough license to focus on the themes of this series that appeals to theme - particularly the theme of kicking ass.

Games I’ve Recommended in the Past

Tomb Candles, by deecity. (A hack of Ten Candles)

[edenfenixblogs]

Hello Eden (is it okay to call you that?)

Do you have any current favourite songs? What kind of music do you generally listen to?

And do you have any favourite books? What kind of books do you like to read?

If you are okay with sharing, no pressure.

Sending you love and strength ❤️

Ah!!! Thanks for this ask @sunnenfinster! What a lovely change of pace.

Eden is fine!!!!!

Ok, so I love music and books!

Of all broad genres of entertainment media, music is probably what I follow least closely. It’s not that I don’t like it; I just am always behind the curve in my tastes. I love listening to most confessional singer/songwriters. I love folk, rock, pop, and rap. I also get a lot of music I like from the background of media like TV, Movies, and podcasts. In general, I love confessional singer-songwriters from any genre.

Fave singers (and the albums I’d recommend from them: songs I’d recommend from that album [notes]):

Jem (Finally Woken: Come on Closer, Falling for You, Just a Ride). All songs on this album rock, to me.

Sheryl Crow (Sheryl Crow: A Change Would Do You Good, [about choosing love over anger and stopping gun violence], Redemption Day [about the Bosnian war], Maybe Angels [could be about aliens or being in a cult idk but it’s a good song about misplaced belief] I love every song on this album tbh. Wall-to-wall bangers.

Missy Elliot (Under Construction: Gossip Folks, Work it)

Suzanne Vega (99.9 F: 99.9 F, Blood Makes Noise, Rock in the Pocket, When Heroes Go Down)

Artists and songs I like in general: Aimee Mann (her voice is like butter and I could listen to her sing forever); Eliza Rickman: Pretty Little Head; Sims: Icarus; Dessa: Call Off Your Ghost; Sifu Hotman: Matches (I know no other songs by this artist but I LOVE this one so much. I’m gonna go listen to it right now); Lorde: Yellow Flicker Beat; Björk: Human Behavior; G Flip: Hyperfine, Gay 4 Me, Killing My Time; Aimee Mann: That’s Just What You Are [I love Aimee’s voice and could listen to her sing the phone book. All songs off her Magnolia Album are amazing too]

And gosh. So many more…

As for books!!!! OMG! I love books so much. I love so many different kinds of books. Some fave genres include: Classic Lit, Magical Realism, Sci-fi/Fantasy/Speculative Fiction; Engaging YA Series, Historical Fiction; Culinary History and Analysis; and Mythological Retellings

Classic Lit Faves:

“To The Lighthouse” by Virginia Woolf [This contains my fave quote in all of literature. This could also never be adequately adapted into a movie. It’s a fascinating look into how people think and how we all process internal thoughts. Must be comfortable with long sentences, semicolons, and allowing sentence clauses to wash over you like ocean waves in order to enjoy this book]

“Cider with Rosie” by Laurie Lee

“All Quiet on the Western Front” by Erich Maria Remarque

“The Portable Dorothy Parker” by Dorothy Parker

“The Odyssey” by Homer, translated by Emily Wilson

“The Iliad” by Homer — both Emily Wilson’s Translation and Stanley Lombardo’s Translation

Magical Realism

“The House of the Spirits” by Isabelle Allende

“Aunt Julia and the Scriptwriter” by Mario Vargas Llosa

“Bless Me Última” by Rudolfo Anaya

“Like Water for Chocolate” by Laura Esquivel

SFF Faves:

“An Absolutely Remarkable Thing” and “A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor” by Hank Green

“The Martian” by Andy Weir

The Tiffany Aching line of the Discworld Series by Terry Pratchett (“The Wee Free Men,” “I Shall Wear Midnight,” “A Hat Full of Sky,” and “Wintersmith”)

“The Locked Tomb” Series by Tamsyn Muir (“Gideon the Ninth,” “Harrow the Ninth,” “Nona the Ninth” so far)

Engaging YA

“The Hunger Games” Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

“Grishaverse” Series by Leigh Bardugo

“Shadow and Bone Triogy” (related to the Grishaverse) by Leigh Bardugo [note: I didn’t know until making this list that Leigh Bardugo is an Israeli Jew! Very cool]

Historical Fiction:

“Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe” by Fannie Flagg [the associated cookbook is very good. Also, you’ll never eat ribs the same again]

“Tracks” by Louise Erdrich [one of the most interestingly written books I’ve ever read. Has two dueling narrators. This is part of a series of books but can be read as a standalone]

Culinary Analysis History

Bree Wilson’s books (“First Bite: How We Learn to Eat,” “Consider the Fork,” and “The Way We Eat Now,” specifically) are some of the best out there. [I didn’t realize until a couple weeks ago that Bee Wilson and the classicist translator Emily Wilson are sisters! They are both extremely smart, engaging writers.]

“Omnivore’s Dilemma” by Michael Pollan

“An Edible History of Humanity” by Tom Standage

“Food: A Cultural Culinary History” by Ken Albala (this one is a Great Courses course, so not technically a book. But it’s available most places you can get audiobooks. And it’s what got me fascinated with this subject)

Mythological Retellings

“Circe” and “The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

“The Silence of the Girls” and “The Women of Troy” by Pat Barker [TW Rape]

“Norse Mythology” by Neil Gaiman

Genre Defy-ers

(These are some of my All Time Faves that can’t really be confined to any genre)

The “Outlander” Series by Diana Gabaldon [and the related “Lord John” Series by the same author] (TW: for Rape)

“The Anthropocene Reviewed” by John Green

Just Finished Reading

“Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Truman Capote (Wow it was so good. I haven’t seen the movie in a while but I seriously doubt they adapted it faithfully. It was so surprising!!!)

Currently Reading

“Murder on the Orient Express” by Agatha Christie

Selections From My To Be Read List

“The City of Brass” by S.A. Chakraborty

“Lessons in Chemistry” by Bonnie Garmus

“The Source” by James Michener

“The Secret of Cooking” by Bee Wilson

“Equal Rites” by Terry Pratchett

“A Time Traveler’s Guide to Medieval England” by Ian Mortimer

“What You Are Looking For Is In The Library” by Michiko Aoyama

“The Doomsday Book” by Connie Willis

I also love to read cookbooks from various cultures to gain insight into those cultures in a very tactile way.

Sending you love and gratitude! 💜💜💜💜

I’m always down to discuss books!

[shouldhavebeenpersephone]

I Want You by Mitski is a Camilla Hect song.

This song is meant to be about one-sided romantic love or whatever, I don't care I don't care I don't care. Cam and Pal are platonic soulmates/codependent idiots and this is about them actually.

Hear me out.

Throughout NtN we see Cam repeatedly wanting Palamedes there. When Nona accidentally hears their recorded conversations, she expresses that she does not care if she gets hurt - she wants Palamedes to exist still. ("I've carried you, Warden. And I've carried your memory... I'd rather carry you")

[verse 1]

I want you

I hold one card

That I can't use

But I want you

Palamedes still existing is also a huge advantage they have that the BOE is unaware of. Pal being in Camilla's body especially helps, because he is less likely to be hurt by Varun and can basically peek out whenever needed - except he can't. The one time Pal and Cam join forces, Camilla goes into thanergy shock. He is of no real use to them except sentimental, he is eating at her from within and yet she still carries him. Additionally we get a double meaning here; Camilla is forced to appear mournful and not show her cards to hide Palamedes and keep him safe.

Flashback time to post-GtN! The image of Camilla walking into the room Palamedes exploded in haunts me on a daily basis. This verse can be taken both literally and figuratively.

[verse 2]

I found you

I found the door

But when I stepped through

There was no floor

Literally: Canaan House was old as shit. Palamedes blowing the floor out along with himself is much more likely than the room remaining unharmed. Yet she risked her life, scaled a half sunken-in room, probably had to scrape Palamedes' remains off the walls, and she reassembled him. No matter how ready she could have been, nobody can be ready for something like that.

Figuratively is what I find a bit more appealing though. In the short story Tamsyn wrote about the Sixth as young teens, it's so painfully evident that these two do not know how to exist apart from each other. Super unhealthy I wish it were me. For example, Camilla has a lot of things figured out, but she relies on Palamedes to piece it together. Palamedes knows how to work a puzzle, but he relies on Camilla to be his eyes and ears. Camilla notes that he enjoys 'teaching' her, but to me it came across more like neurodivergent "same hat" behaviour - he knows that Camilla is thinking the same thing. They know each other so well, that when something is obvious to him, he doesn't even need to consider Camilla might have to be told what he is thinking - she might, however, have input he hadn't yet considered. When Camilla finds him and sees that he was successful (and thus that he is gone), her foundation she has had for most of her life is gone. They were each other's flesh. Each other's end. Without him, there is nothing, no future, no ground to stand on.

And then they find Ianthe Naberius and grabbing his opportunity Palamedes is back - sort of. He is back, and she is dying, and they can act together again, and she is so relieved, and she is so tired. It is the end of the world. They are going to open the Tomb and whatever is in there will be the Emperor's death, and he is the world.

[pre-chorus]

You're coming back

And it's the end of the world

We're starting over

And I love you, darling

And I am done, dear

But also - it is the end of Palamedes, the end of her world. They have thought this through, they know what they are attempting, they know what it will take, they know they will not make it out. But the key here is that neither of them will make it out. They are ending, and they are ending together, and they are starting over, and Paul is born from the ashes. There is also something special, to me, about the comparison between And I love you, darling/And I am done, dear and Life is too short and love is too long. Camilla is very actively dying. Palamedes is ready to gamble with his own life the moment he knows there is no other way out for Camilla. And they love each other. And they are done. And it's that life-outlasting love that creates Paul.

And here, we are taken back again. I see the house as Camilla's inner world, and the car as her outer world (think DID, when alters are not fronting, they recede to an inner world which for many people is some sort of house I believe). Camilla is in the driver's seat, and Palamedes is inside, and he is so close, yet she cannot just go in and meet him. I wonder if they dreamt together. I wonder if they could see each other at all while Camilla too was in her own subconscious. I wonder I wonder I wonder, and I cannot help but think they could not.

[chorus]

You're in the house

And I am here in the car

I just need a quiet place

Where I can scream

How I love you

And then I remember the chapter where Nona kisses her knuckle for the first time. When Camilla sits in the dark bathroom, curled up in the bathtub - for hours. I wonder if she ever came back with her own hand cradling her face. I wonder if she ever cherished the ache of her wrist because Palamedes is left-handed and she is not. I wonder if she ever woke up to the print of Palamedes in her frame on the mattress.

[raccoon-eyed-rebel]

White blossoms - Chapter 5

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

If you like this fic, please remember to reblog so that others may also see it!

Pairing: Melot x OFC (Tamsyn)

Word count: 2k

Warnings: Angst. Shenanigans. Historical inaccuracies, probably.

A/N: I recently promised @deandoesthingstome that it would be remarkably easy for our two lovers to keep their hands off each others for the next few weeks... Well... Here's why...

@deandoesthingstome @ellethespaceunicorn @peaches1958 @peyton-warren @summersong69 @mayloma @livisss @geralts-yenn @sillyrabbit81

Bitter and defeated you sat on the edge of your bed, staring into the distance at nothing, your face void of any expression of the turmoil you felt within you. To scream, to allow yourself to actually feel and express the anger and exasperation that coursed quietly yet riotously through your veins - it was futile. To allow yourself to descend into despair, however, could cost you your life - and not just your own. The walls of your bedchamber seemed to close in on you a bit more with every ragged, angry breath you took. Abruptly, you rose from your bed, no longer able to contain your frustrations. With a few quick strides, you stalked across your room, and out into the corridor, slamming the door behind you so violently that the noise startled a flock of birds outside - and your mother. It mattered not. Not now.

“You’re not gone yet, Melot,” Beryan reminded you as you sighed for the millionth time, too loudly for your company to ignore. Out of despair, you had relocated to the courtyard, where your friends had found you in quite a state of anger and disheartenment. 

“What do you suggest I do? Go to her now? Spend the night with her?” “If you so much as attempt to touch her, I will personally see to it that you die, my lord,” Morwenna hissed. What was it with all these women hissing angrily at everything that came out of your mouth? Did they all think you meant what you said all the time? If so, it was really their own fault for not knowing you well enough by now. 

“Then what, what does it matter that I am still here tonight? I will be gone come morning and there is nothing I can do about it!”

“At least tell her,” Beryan said softly, the same sadness you felt shone through abundantly in the sound of her voice, “she does not yet know.” 

Right at that moment, someone shouted your name. It was her. In a matter of seconds, she was next to you, her arms wrapped around your neck. You eagerly answered her embrace, dreading the moment that would surely follow swiftly, when Morwenna and Beryan would call on you to come to your senses and observe proper etiquette. 

That moment did not arrive. In fact, your friends stood around you, shielding the two of you from sight as you held each other. 

"I am afraid I cannot offer you much in terms of comfort," you said softly as you stroked Tamsyn's hair and tried everything in your power to keep the tears that burned so viciously behind your eyes from spilling onto your cheeks. 

"Try," she begged. For a moment, she moved away, taking something into her hand. "Here, take this." You did not look down at what it was that she handed you; you were preoccupied with the heart breaking desperation in her eyes. When you did finally look down, you were at a loss for words. There, in the palm of your hand, lay a small silver ring…

“But why?” Why would she return to you the ring you had given her mere weeks ago, on the eve of your betrothal? 

“Because I know you will return it to me,” she said. "You must promise me that." 

"I cannot be certain to keep that promise, my love, therefore I shall not make it." Upon hearing your words, her cries became louder once more, and she fell into your arms again. "Pray for my safety, please, and I promise I will do everything in my power to come back to you." You yourself prayed as you spoke these words that your voice was steadier than you felt it was. 

"I will, I swear," she answered your plea, and you offered her your promise in return. 

"We will all pray," Beryan said as she took Tamsyn's shoulders and pulled her away from you. There was only so much indulgence one could overlook, even in a situation such as this one. 

"When do you leave?" She asked. Your eyes followed the path of a tear that rolled down her cheek. 

"We ride at dawn," you answered bleakly, hoping you would get to see her once more. Possibly for the very last time. 

Beryan had assured you that she, Morwenna and Elowen would all be there, and she was as true to her word as she always was. This time, you wore a gown that Elowen had given you, but despite its beauty, you still felt out of place. The courtyard was full of wives saying goodbye to their husbands - many out of duty rather than love or commitment -, and stolen glances between secret lovers, who had undoubtedly said their goodbyes under the cover of night.

“My dearest,” you heard behind you, and you turned around immediately - judging from Elowen’s soft chuckles, a bit too eagerly, perhaps. She quickly returned her attention to her husband, who faced the same terrible destiny as Melot. From the corner of your eye, you caught Morwenna and Lowen, exchanging wistful glances. They were not in any position to publicly worry for one another. It pained you greatly to see your friend in such a predicament, but you found a strange sense of peace in the thought that your friend would make for an even greater companion during the trying weeks to follow than she would have been otherwise. 

“My lord,” you said as Melot approached you. Once he was close enough to hear you speak at a volume where others could not, you spoke again: “My love.” 

There were hundreds of things you wanted to say to him - some of them too improper a thought to ever voice at all, others less impertinent in nature, but still vastly inappropriate for an unwed couple. Whatever was left, caught in the back of your throat, trampled by sobs that - upon release - pushed the tears from your eyes. Why on earth did you have to be dealt the incredible misfortune of loving a warrior? You cursed yourself fiercely for your foolishness, for believing a girl of your breeding would stand a chance against the cruelty of fate. 

“Mine is leaving, too,” Elowen said everso softly to you as though she could read your thoughts in your mind. She was right, of course: Elowen was of noble birth, and God was as unkind to her in this instance as he was to you. You found comfort in her embrace, though it was a meagre substitute for the strong arms of your beloved. 

“Don’t any of you dare die,” Beryan said to the young men who stood before you. Of the five of them, only Pyran and Tristan seemed free of sorrow. Melot and Lowen wore on their faces expressions that one might describe as ‘pining’, and you caught Aedan glancing at Beryan with affection in his eyes. 

In the end, it was Tristan who vowed to Beryan that he would see to everyone’s safe return. 

“They will be back so you might order them about once again, I’ll see to it,” he said with a smile on his face. 

“If anyone will be giving Melot any orders,” Beryan retorted, her voice on the verge of breaking, “it will be Tamsyn.” From the side, you could tell she was clenching her jaw to keep her tears from falling for her friends. Looking at the men, taught you they had a similar reaction.

“I thought wives were supposed to submit to their husbands, not the other way around,” Pyran wondered aloud. He was met with a swift smack on the shoulder by Gerant, Elowyn’s husband. 

“You have much to learn about the wiles of women, my friend,” he said. For a wonderful moment, you all laughed, but Gerant soon proved to be the harbinger of the devastating news that it was time for the men to leave.

Only when you watched them ride off, and they could no longer see you, Beryan broke; a single tear rolled down her cheek as her eyes chased the ever shrinking silhouettes of the gentlemen. When they were finally out of sight, you all stood around in the courtyard rather aimlessly, until Elowen invited you to her home. Where Beryan and even Morwenna were in a position to gladly accept her invitation, you most politely declined. Your mother had been sick, and though she was on the mend, she was not well enough to take care of the household, which meant those tasks befell you. They would make for a lovely distraction from the thought of your betrothed dying in battle - provided you could keep yourself busy enough to steer clear of the images that flashed before your eyes each time you closed them, no matter how briefly.

You returned home with a heavy heart, and took to completing your chores with the utmost diligence, until a knock on the door pulled you away from your hard work. Upon opening it, you found your friends outside, holding a basket of produce and one that seemed to contain their embroidery supplies.

“May we come in?” Beryan asked. “You shouldn’t be alone.” Utterly stupefied, you invited the three of them into your house, which was hardly of a proper size to accommodate the company, but it would do. After all, there wasn’t a way for you to conjure up a bigger house. It would have to do. 

“Ladies,” your mother said in surprise when she walked into the room you were standing in, curtseying upon seeing them.

“Lady Senara, please,” Elowen pleaded, proceeding to ask your mother for possibly the hundredth time to use her name. Naturally, your mother had politely declined to acquiesce the request as many times as it had been made. Elowen had told you once that your mother’s propriety towards her and Beryan made her feel out of place, which in turn made you feel more comfortable, knowing Elowen felt what you felt each time you set foot in the castle. 

“However kind it is of you to come by, I haven’t a whole lot of time,” you excused yourself. There were many chores left undone, still, some of which needed done before nightfall - or before your father returned home. 

“Let us help you,” Morwenna said, her voice determined enough to rid you of any hope you may have had that any of this was remotely negotiable. 

“My ladies, we couldn’t possibly accept your kind offer,” your mother replied before you could say anything.

“Mother, I rather expect it wasn’t a question, nor an offer for us to decline.” Tears welled up in your eyes when you looked into theirs. Each one of them was as much in need of distraction from the cruel reality of this day as you were, and their needlework just didn’t suffice. Morwenna looked at you, her eyes glistening mischievously. 

“I see you brought food,” you noted, your eyebrow raised inquisitively as you looked at the basket in her arms.  “I thought it might be fun to teach these two something about cooking,” she said with a smile. For the first time that day, while looking at the expressions of absolute terror that Elowen and Beryan had on their faces as Morwenna made her suggestion, you laughed. First it was only you, then Morwenna joined in, and in the end, you were all laughing. And you laughed loudly. Obnoxiously, even, but here, far away from the castle and its protocol, it did not matter. You laughed through tears. So incredibly many tears that your mother and her tireless instinct to be just that - a mother - held you all close to her, until the laughter died down and was outlived by many more tears shed in mourning over your uncertain fates.

[pigeonflavouredcake]

I gave myself permission to get some new books for new year's day but that's it that's all I'm giving myself. I was really bad my book ban last year so I'm trying again this year.

My book buying ban starts now on the 1st of January 2024.

My TBR is 49 books long here's the list:

Adrian Tchaikovsky - The Doors of Eden

Aiden Thomas - Cemetery Boys

Alexandria Bellefleur - The Fiancée Farce

Alice Feeney - Sometimes I Lie

Alison Rumfitt - Tell Me I'm Worthless

Alo Johnston - Am I Trans Enough

Bram Stoker - Dracula

Cordelia Fine - Delusions of Gender

Cordelia Fine - Testosterone Rex

David Attenborough - Living Planet (audio book)

Euripedes - The Bacchae and Other Plays

George Orwell - Nineteen Eighty Four

Hannah Kaner - The Fallen Gods Trilogy #1: Godkiller

Isaac Fellman - Dead Collections

J.B. MacKinnon - The Day The World Stops Shopping

Jaimie Raines - The T in LGBT

Jeanette Purkis - The Guide To Good Mental Health on the Autism Spectrum

Jen Beagin - Big Swiss

Jennie Kermode - Growing Older as a Trans and/or nonbinary person

Jon Krauker - Under the Banner of Heaven

Julia Lynn Rubin - Primal Animals

Juno Dawson - Her Majesty’s Royal Coven

K. Patrick - Mrs. S

Kalynn Bayron - You’re Not Supposed To Die Tonight

Lily Lindon - My Own Worst Enemy

Liz Gloyn - Tracking Classical Monsters on Popular Culture

Malinda Lo - A Line in The Dark

Mark Lawrence - The Library Trilogy #1: The Book That Wouldn’t Burn

Marie Cardno - How to Get a Girlfriend (When You’re a Terrifying Monster)

Mary Shelley - Frankenstein

Maude Ventura - My Husband

Max Adams - The Wisdom of Trees

Megan Abbot - Give Me Your Hand

Mona Awad - Bunny

Naoya Matsumoto - Kaiju No. 8 Vol 8

Ottessa Moshfegh - My Year of Rest and Relaxation

Paul Tremblay - The Cabin an The End of the World

Peter Corbin - Three Jacobean Witchcraft Plays

R.W. Wallace - Beyond The Grave

Reni Eddo-Lodge - Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race

Robin Wall Kimmerer - Braiding Sweetgrass

Sarah Waters - Fingersmith

Sayaka Murata - Earthlings

Sven Holm - Termush

Talia Jager - Without Hesitation

Tamsyn Muir - The Locked Tomb #3: Nona the Ninth

Veronique Altglas - From Yoga to Kabbalah

Walter Stephens - Demon Lovers

William Peter Blatty - The Exorcist

[froggierboy]

tamsyn muir i am in your walls

[emberidzae]

Nona the Ninth John chapter verses

After finishing going through the symbols in the chapter headings I wasn’t sure about doing the same for the verses referred to in the John chapters, because it seems that someone had solved those as a code, but there are quite a few pretty good ones that feel relevant, so let’s go. I am no bible scholar and have next to zero Christian background so I’m keeping the parallels discussion within brackets and am mostly going to describe the chapter. Quotes from the New International Version. 

John 20:8 – “Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed.” John begins his story of the end of Earth. At the end its revealed he’s talking to Harrow (who had, of course, reached the Tomb first).

John 5:20 – “For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, and he will show him even greater works than these, so that you will be amazed.” John’s cryo plan is scrapped but when the electricity maintaining their experimental bodies is shut, the bodies he touched stayed incorruptible. (the first miracle, the start of his great work)

John 15:23 – “Whoever hates me hates my Father as well.” John's necromantic ability keeps developing up to the point where he can move dead bodies, and names Ulysses and Titania. (not sure on this one)

John 5:18 – “For this reason they tried all the more to kill him; not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God.” The group continues figuring out what John can and cannot do, attempt to figure out how they can use this ability to help the save the Earth, and get attention to themselves by streaming. (‘Two scientists, an engineer, a detective, a lawyer, and an artist walk into a bar to help me become God’)

John 8:1 – “but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.” (This verse is the beginning of John 8:1-11 where people gathered to be taught by Jesus, where he proclaims of the woman caught in the act of adultery “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”) People start coming to see John and he heals some of them. The government calls his group a cult and attempt a police raid. John makes the cow wall. (tenuous, but some parallels with the gathering of people and an attempt by those in power to undermine what is perceived as a cult?)

John 19:18 – “There they crucified him, and with him two others—one on each side and Jesus in the middle.” John’s group faces severe political backlash. John starts attempting a true resurrection and figuring out the soul. They discover that their old backers were making a new plan involving FTL, which they think is incredibly suspicious, and dismissed their old cryo plan with the criticisms they made themselves. (ouch)

John 5:1 – “Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals.” (The beginning of John 5:1-9, where Jesus tells the invalid “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” and at once cures him) John gets approached by an unnamed group to fake the life of their dead leader. The FTL project gets international approval and the group’s objections get ignored. They find out their client is a nation-state and A- and M- negotiate them a nuke. (I can see John quoting "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk” as he puppets the guy around, just for kicks)

John 3:20 – “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed” The FTL backers lie like hell in the face of John’s evidence that they weren’t building enough ships to meet their claims. John leans hard into the necromancer cult thing. (this verse is so alarmingly relevant that I’m marvelling how Tamsyn Muir puts in a code at the same time)

John 9:22 – “His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders, who already had decided that anyone who acknowledged that Jesus was the Messiah would be put out of the synagogue.” (this verse refers to Jesus healing the blind man and the disbelief in his miracle) John gets a lot of new cultists. A gunfight breaks out among them and five people die, John uses their deaths to kill everyone in the vicinity with a firearm. (don’t think there’s a direct link here)

John 1:20 – “He did not fail to confess, but confessed freely, “I am not the Messiah.”” John kills Earth and the whole solar system, creates Alecto, and fails to stop the trillionaires from escaping. (this one is just. wow)

John 5:4 – “For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.” (This verse comes from the King James Bible, because apparently its not found in most modern translations.) Harrow asks John her questions and they skim through the resurrection itself and what comes after. John says there’ll be no forgiveness, not for himself nor those who left. Harrow decides to find out what happened to the souls that didn’t enter the River, to understand God for herself, and steps into the River, walking towards the Tower. (Harrow would be so upset at being compared to an angel, which amuses me. I love that this ‘missing’ controversial verse is for the chapter where Harrow and John break character from the dream and Harrow questions John’s narrative.)