#tbh best way to understand this stuff is probably to go code it myself

[friedricebunny]

chat i hate learning about physics calcs for basic movement and yet i cannot tear myself away from the samples

[purplesurveys]

1883

What were you doing one hour ago? I was probably going on Instagram in the middle of taking a survey.

Where were your parents born? Somewhere in the city metro for my mom; somewhere in the outskirts of the metro for my dad.

Have you ever used public transportation to get to work? The most I've done is booking a Grab to the office during my coding days; but no, I've never commuted to work.

What do you miss the most from before Covid times? My friendships were more 'alive' and accessible at the time. We all graduated mid-Covid and are all sort of living our own lives now. It's understandable now, of course, being older myself; but it's something I find myself missing from time to time.

What has been the best thing to happen to you in the past year? I've managed to travel to three countries in a single year. That leaves me feeling so happy and grateful.

Who do you have listed as emergency contacts in your phone? I don't have any on my phone, but on documents and IDs and stuff I place my mom.

Are you prone to jealousy? Honestly, like not even close these days. I no longer pay attention to people's lives as much as I used to. I focus on and am grateful for whatever it is I have and go through.

How did you get through the lowest point in your life? BTS sort of barged in and literally made me start smiling and laughing again. That's why the way I explain it to others is that my admiration for them goes beyond fangirling and squealing over looks – they've been like lifelong friends who made me want to do and be better, not for them, but for myself. I respect them a lot for what they've done for me.

Have you ever been someone's first love? I don't know. I think?

Have you ever played frisbee golf? Nah. I've played ultimate but not that variation.

What is your favorite silly, feel-good movie? 13 Going on 30 and White Chicks.

How old were you when you got your first gaming console, and what kind was it? I never had my own because I was never serious about video games, but my first console memories were with the PS1. I started regularly watching my family play it when I was 3 or 4.

Who in your family has the coolest job? Tbh I think I do LOL, but apart from me I have an uncle who is well-connected with history NGOs as his main advocacy is to get Filipino prehistoric culture more known. He also runs his own Facebook page that has thousands of followers, where he posts photos from past centuries and archaeological finds.

Is cereal technically a soup? It's not. The 'soup' part is just milk. Soup in itself is a dish that's made with different ingredients.

Have you found your first gray hairs yet? They started showing up when I was around 11 or 12, but it's always just been one or two at a time.

What is something that drains your energy really quickly? Clients that either have unrealistic needs and are delusional-ly enthusiastic about said needs; or act super conceitedly. Or worse, conceited clients who have unrealistic needs.

Did you parents teach you how to make a budget before you moved out on your own? They never taught me stuff about money, which in my personal opinion is partly why I performed so badly with my salaries for my first two years of working haha. I had literal zero savings until last year, when I finally realized I had to straighten up. Fortunately it's all good now, but I was definitely a nightmare spender for a while.

What is your favorite food to put gravy on? Fried chicken!!!

Do you know anyone from Canada? Yeah so many Filipinos migrate to Canada. Most recently in my circle, it was Trina, Jat, and Ysa last year; and my mom's closest work friend's family is now also in the process of migrating one by one since they finally got approved to do so. I think the dad had his flight yesterday, with the mom and kids expected to follow suit eventually.

What's your opinion on astrology? Not real. You do you, but it's a topic I never want to cover in a conversation.

Do you use TikTok? Just for work. I almost never use it in my personal life.

What do you have going on the rest of the day? Surveys and RhyHi.

[insertdeeplyrics]

On the ending of Supernatural

Hi, I’ve never actually posted anything on Tumblr of my own creation (I mostly reblog stuff), but I’ve just seen the ending of Supernatural, and given that this is where I’ve been fed my SPN content, it felt right to share my thoughts here. I’m sure nobody is going to read this, but whatever, I just need to get this out of my chest. Sorry in advance if this is too long, but I have to type this out if I want to move on.

I still need to take some time to process everything that’s happened, because it is a lot. I did have my hopes up for the finale, thinking that Cas would at least show up, but like many of the fans, I was let down.

So I guess that would be the first issue I had with the episode. Regardless of what Dean felt towards Cas, if he reciprocated his feelings or not (which he totally did, I mean, we have all been watching the same show for 12 fucking years, and if you don’t believe me, there are plenty of metas that would support this statement), he still is his best friend and it doesn’t sit right with me the fact that he doesn’t even try to find a way to rescue Cas from the Empty. And okay, maybe he didn’t, make Cas got resurrected by Jack, then why the hell wasn’t he on the final episode? He was a pivotal character for the series, I mean, the proof is in the ratings: Season 7, when he was killed off to apparently never return, the ratings were at their lowest. The show may have started as just Dean and Sam, but over the years it became much bigger than them, and it is so disappointing that the show runners failed to acknowledge it. But I’ll get back to this point later.

Okay, I need to talk about Dean’s death, the only part of the episode that made me cry, because my poor baby had to suffer so much! Like, when he started saying that Sam never put up with John’s crap (which reinforces my headcanon that John was abusive towards the boys) and how much he admired him for it, my heart just shattered. I just love Dean Winchester so freaking much, and they did him so dirty... Don’t get me wrong, Jensen and Jared’s acting was 10/10, like, I thought I had a grip of myself and then Sam started crying and tears came back to my eyes. Nonetheless, I felt that the scene was so freaking long! I mean, Dean was dying, and he had time to make a 10 minutes-long speech! C’mon! Also, I get that Sam and Dean’s relationship is quite deep and strong and whatever, but I felt a bit unconformable watching it: it didn’t feel like a brotherly goodbye, more like a lover’s one. They were too touchy and intimate, and, overall, their relationship from this point on was coded as a romantic one, in my opinion. And Chuck, did I hate it! I have an older brother and I know what it is like to be close to your sibling and to love him more than anything else in the world, but the way they portrayed their relationship on this last episode felt incest-y, which makes me believe that this scene was originally written with another character in mind (cough CAS cough) or the writers don’t know the difference between romantic and brotherly love. To finish off, the way they killed off Dean??? I mean, I did expect Dean to die, but this was such a horrible and ridiculous way to go... I would have accepted it if he died actually fighting, but impaled??? After all he’s been through, after fighting so many demons, angels and deities, that’s how he dies??? That just felt cheap and rushed. Dean did not deserve that ending and I refuse to accept it. In fact, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of this whole fucking mess of an episode. Also, I just can’t believe that no one showed up to Dean’s funeral. I just can’t. I get that maybe it was difficult to bring in a lot of actors due to the pandemic, but they could have added them on post-production...

Next, we have Sam’s ending. He quits hunting and finally obtains his white-picket fence life. I did like the fact that he honored all of his friends and family that he lost along the way, especially Dean. Like, yes, if my brother died, I would like to keep a token (don’t know if that’s the actual word for it, my first language is not English), to have something with me that reminded me of him and to have him with me wherever I go. And I did like that he named his son Dean, in honor of his brother. However, we don’t know how he met his wife, we don’t even know who she is. They set up Sameileen for what?? Like, Sam and Eileen deserved better, tbh. And, again, even with Covid restrictions they could have done something to signal that Sam got married to Eileen, you don’t need the actor there. In fact, we never actually found out what happened to her, and just like I can’t believe that Dean didn’t even try to save Cas from the Empty, I can’t believe that Sam didn’t reach out to Eileen. Furthermore, the montage with his son felt cheap and a way to try to appeal to the audience’s emotions... (Btw, as a side note, the grey wig and the glasses, my god, they did Jared dirty 😂😂). But it wasn’t doing it for me, I didn’t care much for the kid, and while I do believe that was always going to be Sam’s ending, I didn’t like how it was executed.

And the worst part of it all: that suuuuuper long scene with Dean driving in Heaven, waiting for Sam. They could have used that time to show something more meaningful, even to develop a bit more Sam’s new life, how he adjusted to domesticity and fatherhood and all that crap. Or, I don’t know, A TEAM FREE WILL 2.0 REUNION??? And I guess this is my biggest issue with the whole episode. I get it, Sam and Dean are the central characters, the ones that started it all, but family don’t end with blood, and they were not the only ones who deserved a goodbye. They had formed so many bonds and friendships over the years, and to not have them address them on the final episode just feels infuriating. Especially Cas. His arc was not finished, he deserved to be on the finale. We never got Dean’s reaction to his confession, we don’t know how he felt about him, nor did Cas get to say goodbye to any other character. How did he get out of the Empty? What is he doing now? Is he still an angel? Also, he gave his life to save Dean, only for Dean to be killed not long after. My headcanon that is helping me cope with Dean’s death is thinking that he was so quick to accept his death because he was hoping to reunite in Heaven with Castiel. A girl can dream, ok??? But also, what about Jack? He is the new God, but I highly doubt it that he won’t drop by the Bunker from time to time, after all, Sam and Dean (AND CAS, ESPECIALLY CAS) raised him. And Charlie? Did she get back with Stevie? Did she and the boys go for drinks from time to time? And Jody? Donna? Claire? Sorry to be so repetitive, but I just can’t understand why the writers thought that these characters weren’t important enough to deserve a spot on the finale, and not just an off-hand mention (and not even all of them got that). Of course, the brothers are the main characters and their goodbye must be the longest and the most emotional of them all, but like I said before, the show stopped being just about the Winchesters on season 3, when Bobby was first introduced, maybe even 4, with Cas.

Overall, the finale left a lot of questions unanswered, most of them regarding secondary characters (but not less important for that!), completely destroyed Sam and Dean’s character development (Dean never got to be free, like he had been fighting for all season, probably all his life; Sam’s development is non-existing, as he ended up as he would’ve if he never had gotten on that hunting trip with Dean 15 years ago), and completely disregarded all the themes they had been setting up this season, probably on previous ones as well. It is sad knowing that the writers, either don’t know the show good enough to give it a proper goodbye, or they just didn’t care to do so. I don’t know who’s to blame here (definitely not the actors, though, probably someone higher up the chain), but I just know that I am so fucking disappointed. I expected more from the last episode of a 15-season TV show, one that has been part of my life for 7 years. I guess, that despite all of it, I can’t hate Supernatural. Maybe I was not a hardcore fan like some people on this site, but I did care for the characters and what happened to them. This is the show that introduced me to the world of shipping (Destiel will always hold a special place in my heart, it doesn’t matter how badly their relationship was treated, as well as the characters) and I got to discover one of my favorite characters, Dean Winchester. He is just such so complex, one that I relate to on so many levels, and his relationship with Cas has been the source of many short stories that I’ve never posted anywhere, but that have made me take up writing again. That’s the reason why I love the show so much, it has helped me tap into my creativeness and go back to writing, a passion of mine that I seem to have forgotten over the years. Anyways, maybe one day I’ll publish some of those stories, and maybe even write my own fix-it fanfic, but right now, I can’t deal with anything that has to do with the show, I am too hurt. Maybe once the five stages of grief are over, I might give it a try and read all of the amazing codas and fanfics that I’m sure will be posted here or on AO3. But for now, Supernatural is dead and gone, and I don’t want to talk nor think about it anymore. I’m done wasting my time here, because I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing this past 7 years after watching this crap of a finale.

To finish this long rant off, I just want to say thank you to some meta-writers, the true heroes of the fandom. Thanks to them, I carried on watching the show, because they made me have hope that things will get better. They are the ones that have made this experience worth something, and even though I’ve never spoken to any of them, I see you and I love you. Thanks for everything ❤. 

@tinkdw @charlie-minion @dotthings @heliodean @verobatto-angelxhunter @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

from an anon, about parents and school

(it's just long, that's why it's under a break XD)

here's my proposition: make parents understand that not every child should conform to whatever traditional career paths that exist. as an asian, i could feel the pressure to take science like a fucking boulder on my body. i have to rant a bit.

i am the younger sibling, my brother is two years elder to me. i was never instilled any curiosity in anything science related, i was kinda left all by myself lol. my brother tho, maybe because he was older or because he was a guy (yeah LMFAO), was encouraged AND involved in a LOT of coding, mechanix (its a construct-ur-own-stuff thing).

i guess i never really noticed until i was leaving middle school, that i was not as smart as him, and would probably never be. but i had other strengths he didnt have. i love writing, im pretty good at it. i am analytical and subejctive, i like thinking and making conclusions about things. i mean i guess i've figured out what i could be better at, right? but the problem?

its that my parents dont see it. its as if they dont know me or they DO know me and are just forcing the things they need onto me. it feels selfish of them to completely forgo my actual strengths. like YES OK i UNDERSTAND i can never be as smart as my brother, but u dont have to pretend like i can. because pretending that i can achieve whatever he has, is just going to affect YOU. because i have accepted long ago that some things arent for me.

they think i dont want to put effort into anything i do. that im lazy and want the easy way out. god, every time they say this i want to honestly show them that its the things IM interested in, where i put in the work. its so belittling.

ive written articles abt bts, their music, about how carl jungs theory of archetypes and i occasionally ask a lot of questions about the world to you (hi lol). i just dont get why they want me to waste energy on something im clearly uninterested in.

short answer, point to BTS and say, "They're Asian, they make tons of money. Leave me alone."

just kidding XD

If I'm being serious, I don't think they will change their mind. They will continue to force their ideals onto you, because they believe in certain career paths had assured success and that is what they are after. They either want you to make a certain amount of money, have a certain status in life, or simply know that you can obtain a stable job. To be honest, these are not really traditional career paths at all if you think about it. Becoming a doctor takes many, many years and it is hard ass work. Parents just make it seem as if these are the only jobs available to you, even if you know it's not true.

Men vs women in Asian countries, well, I feel everyone knows this, but many Asian parents born in their respective countries put more effort into their sons than daughters. Firstborn son? He probably walks on water to them XD

I understand what you mean when you say your parents do not understand. This might sound egotistical (it does now that I'm writing it, I am very sorry) but I was the one in my family who got the best grades. None of my siblings got better grades than me (basically I had a 4.0 from middle school to university), and do you think with all that I would be immune?

Nope.

I am good at the sciences and I am good at the humanities as well. I had an interest in reading, writing, and drawing. Reading fiction, I could pass it off to educate myself. Writing? I could pass it off as something for school. But drawing?

Woo, boy.

This was a constant fight. I do not back down (a rebel, wcyd) and I drew and it would get ripped apart. I drew and it would get torn up and thrown away. I drew and and would be beaten, yelled at, constantly belittled for my interest in it even though I was good at the sciences and math. To my mom (my dad doesn't count, he had zero interest in parenting) - if she did not think it was going to make money in the future, it was useless. If I could not spin it into profit, I should not be doing it (very fun childhood I had, yes). The most ironic thing is, after I became an adult, she suggested I start drawing again and sell it to make money.

Hello?

You literally forced me to stop drawing because you constantly connected it with negativity???

(not now, I have since stopped talking to her and started drawing again and it is purely for myself, not to show anyone else, I do not even post it on social media or show anyone irl)

Not saying your parents will act like mine, btw, only sharing my experience.

The idea that you'll never be as smart as your brother? That's bullshit lol. That's like saying intelligence is only valuable if it's science or math, which, as you know, is not true. You are you. He is himself. It is not you cannot do those things. It is that those things are not what you want to focus on. You have a limited amount of time in this life and you have chosen the things you want to delve into and explore.

You don't have to be good at everything. Everything is just not good enough for you.

I am of the mindset that you should try and learn everything you can about this world. I love learning, personally. I think knowing everything I know, from the humanities to the sciences, enriches my life and gives me a broader perspective.

But I totally understand how you feel, because being pushed into something makes you end up hating it. Parents push their kids to learn this or that and kids end up resenting schoolwork because it doesn't feel like something they wanna do anymore. It's just adults yapping in their ears and it feels pointless. Grades aren't everything. You think anyone cares that I aced Physics with Calculus I and II as an adult? LMAO, no one gives a shit. You passed, good enough XD

Here's how I think you should treat school. It's not the content that matters. It's you understanding how you learn each subject. Every subject is different and how you learn them is different. It is not because you are bad at the subject, it is because you haven't figured out the best learning style for you. Teachers have to teach a mass of students and, yes, I understand this seems very tedious to have to "teach yourself".

The skill in learning to learn becomes so, so valuable as an adult. It is how you maintain interest in things, how you develop new interests, and how will come to find meaning (in whatever you want to focus on finding meaning for). I'm not saying that you will be able to find your perfect learning style in every subject, but I am encouraging you to simply see it in that light.

And, you might find certain things to be not that important to you, in which case, just pass the class, it's totally fine if it's not going to help you for the career path you're going for XD Nobody asks me about the themes of William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" (tbh, a pair of overdramatic loons) or how I feel about Sigmund Freud (actually a twat, but that's neither here nor there).

Let them talk. That one that walks your path is you. Focus on what you want to focus on. They are set in their ways and they way to show them there are different paths is to walk them.

[pastamic]

So I’ve seen quite a few posts complaining about the way Entrapta was treated by the Princesses, particularly with a lot of vitriol towards Mermista. I know a lot of us who are neurodivergent are really excited about Entrapta as a character because she’s autistic coded and a lot of us can really relate to her. I think a lot of us are also, and rightfully so, very defensive of the way these types of characters are treated because they get treated honestly so badly by show creators and other characters in their series more often than not, and that’s totally reasonable. If you’re uncomfortable with the way she was treated in regards to what I’m about to talk about I’m in no way saying you can’t still be uncomfortable about this because this is just my opinion and the way I saw it as one touch-averse ND person. To preface this I have not received an autism diagnoses, but I have an ADHD diagnoses and have started to suspect that I might be autistic as well (though it’s hard to tell with the overlapping symptoms.) My fiance is autistic and also has ADHD and has agreed with me on several of these points. 

SO 

[id: Screenshot of Mermista pulling Entrapta’s hair while they approach Horde Prime’s spire in season 5. Caption reads “I’m sorry I’m bad at listening!” end id]

This scene, which a lot of people had an issue with. I had an issue with it at first too bc like pulling peoples hair is generally like not okay! Though the situation was very stressful and dire and Mermista was under a lot of stress. I think this episode was actually particularly important because it showed Entrapta’s issues with feelings and people (like not realizing they were all upset with her) and the stress and residual resentment from fighting on opposite sides and the issues that the other princesses had with understanding Entrapta with a resolution that got talked through. Something that in my personal experience is really important for everyone, but especially ND people and people with mental illnesses. Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen and they all talked it through and I thought it was very sweet. 

But, the hair pulling (and the weird leash thing that Perfuma made with vines but that’s a whole post on it’s own and I’m not gonna get into it) 

Now like I said I thought it was kinda shitty at first, but thanks to quarantine and depression I’ve re-watched spop probably fifteen times now and I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern. 

Most of us have already noticed that Entrapta uses her hair as hands for stuff 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta leaning over in Hordak’s lab and shaping one of her pigtails into a hand. Caption reads “Failure is a vital part of scientific endeavor.” end id]

Like literal hands

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta standing in Darla’s doorway holding her tools with her hair and making a suggestive face. end id] 

It’s her superpower, and while the other princesses do use their powers as a bit of an extension of themselves, for Entrapta her hair is straight up another body part/limb for her. Tbh if I had hair like that I would use it for literally everything and never touch shit with my hands. 

I think I’ve seen people point this out to an extent before but I noticed that Entrapta never really reaches out to touch anybody with her actual hands with the exception of Hordak.

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta smiling  in the Fright Zone squishing Catra’s cheeks with her hair. Caption reads “Hi, Catra. I saved your life. You’re welcome.” end id]

When she convinces Hordak to send Catra to the Crimson Waste instead of to Beast Island she like grabs her cheeks with her hair, and again in season 5 she pats Catra on the head when she tells her she forgives her. 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta and Hordak in Hordak’s lab. Entrapta is using her hair to hold out Hordak’s arms in a T-pose. Caption reads “And you’re really way too obsessed with this whole failure thing.” end id] 

And when she’s talking about Hordak’s disability and brainstorming about his suit. I actually chose both of the above screenshots because I thought at first that she only used her hair in place of her hands because her hands always had her tablet in them but both of her hands are free in these scenes, though one could argue that she needs to use her hair to reach Hordak’s hands, she could lift herself up with her hair if she really wanted to reach out with her hands. 

Actually there’s a point in Season 3, episode 4 where she straight up just scratches her hair with the Shera sword so I’m not even sure she has feeling in her hair??? 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta in Hordak’s lab scratching her head with the Shera sword. Caption reads “I’m not sure if we just need the sword or if we need She-Ra, too.” end id] 

She’s scratching her head with a big fuck off sword so I think that we can infer two things from that: that she can’t really feel much through her hair, and that her hair is like durable as fuck. Considering she lifts herself up by her hair a ton I’d imagine it’s not attached to her scalp in quite the same sensitive way that like non-magic hair would be. 

So I think it makes sense, and might be a respect of her boundaries, to reach for her hair over her hand if they need to keep her from going somewhere. You could argue that grabbing someone in general is a disrespect of boundaries, and in a lot of cases it can be, but in the case of a battle or dangerous mission grabbing someone isn’t really out of the ordinary. We see it with the Best Friends Squad a lot, but also with Scorpia and like literally everyone she’s around. 

When Hordak saves Entrapta from the portal exploding we do see him grab her by the hand, but it’s continuously established that Entrapta exhibits way more intimacy with him than with pretty much anyone else. She allows touch from others and doesn’t seem bothered by it, but Hordak is the person she most consistently reaches out to in regards to touch. 

[id: Screenshot of Bow kissing Entrapta’s pigtail like it’s her hand. end id] 

When Bow first officially meets Entrapta he kisses her pigtail like it’s her hand, which by the way is just super adorable I love fanboy Bow, but it’s not just Bow. Catra and Scorpia also mainly interact with Entrapta through her hair.

Whenever someone needs to interact with Entrapta in a tactile way, it’s pretty much always through her hair. When Entrapta needs to interact with others in a tactile way, it’s pretty much always through her hair. Entrapta’s hair is like another set (sets?? She can split her hair up a lot) of hands. So I don’t think it’s as rough of a treatment as people are making it out to be. It’s not like pulling a non-magic person’s hair. Entrapta’s hair is magic and she uses it in place of her hands near constantly. It’s not like pulling someone else’s hair because Entrapta’s hair is her power, it’s an extension of herself in a way that other’s hair is not. 

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with Mermista (or others) pulling Entrapta’s hair if that makes you uncomfortable, especially if you’re neurodivergent as many of us have experiences of people completely disregarding our bodily autonomy and infantilizing us in a way that’s frustrating and harmful, but (and I’m not gonna name names bc this isn’t meant to be a discourse post and I’ve seen it a lot) demonizing Mermista for pulling her hair in a high stress situation when she’s struggling with leadership already and Entrapta is seemingly ignoring her orders to do whatever for the sake of science. Though we find out that’s not the case, Mermista doesn’t know that at first and was intending to keep Entrapta from putting herself or the rest of the team in danger which is a foundation of leadership responsibility. 

Should she have tried to be more understanding of Entrapta and actually try to communicate frankly that she was mad instead of assuming that Entrapta would realize it on her own? Absolutely, especially as a leader. But she’s new to leadership and that’s like half of what that episode was about, and people make mistakes, especially with communication. That’s something that I think spop as a show handles really well. People make mistakes, people do things they regret, and people struggle with things like communicating and boundaries even when they have the best of intentions. What matters is that it’s talked out, apologized for, resolved, etc. I’m ND myself, and I’m friends with a lot of neurodivergent people and miscommunications happen A LOT even with like the base knowledge that we need to speak bluntly, clearly, and honestly in order to be understood. Sometimes even when you’re blunt and honest and open things still get miscommunicated. I definitely think the princesses infantilize Entrapta far too much, but I don’t think the hair pulling is as much of an issue as I’ve seen people make it out to be and I definitely don’t think Mermista is some Vile Bitch (tm) for doing what she did. 

(Also I took all these screenshots myself please appreciate that I spent like two hours combing through spop episodes to find them djsfjklds) 

[transsexualhamlet]

Trans Headcanons

Ok I’m going to make a giant post about this because it’s one of the few things I can actually address, as a trans person. Obviously I cannot speak as to the opinions and experiences of all trans people, but I’m just gonna give you my take.

So obviously in fandom lots of people like to headcanon characters as trans, and in general I think that’s a fantastic thing as well we’re not exactly swimming in representation. But what comes with cis people tryin to write trans characters is that... things get... problematic. Quick.

Headcanoning male characters as ftm

I am this variety of trans so I get excited when people headcanon ftm but I’m almost always completely disappointed.

First off I need to address the “people” who headcanon male characters as trans ftm for that Spicy Fetishization. This is generally, I’d say... more than half of trans headcanons I come across in fics at least, and in this context is used solely for sexual purposes which is disgusting so stop.

Of course it’s ok to write trans people having sex, because well, trans people have sex, but cis people don’t realize that dysphoria plays a huge part into what people are comfortable with. So just a fun fact I feel like it should be obvious trans guys aren’t gonna want to have sex like they’re a straight female, and trans guys are not all bottoms.

I would also like to address when headcanoning a male presenting character as ftm is good or bad rep completely without the sexual element because cis people seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding of Trans Vibes. I’m gonna use mostly ons examples so hang on tight.

Problematic, bad characters to headcanon as trans- 

-Yoichi

-Mika

-Shinya

I see an egregious amout of these, and the pattern for this is somehow, cis girls see a feminine boy and think that they’re a good person to think is trans. No. This is the opposite. These three characters in ons are some of the more feminine guys, and therefore come off as gay, in a cis male way. Trans guys generally do not act like that, and although there are plenty of feminine trans guys, they do not behave like that. 

Addressing the problems with people saying Mika is trans- People don’t understand dysphoria. He has always been very feminine, and in the case that he was trans that would just. Not work. You could look at that boy and be asking what gender even is he if you didn’t know, and generally trans guys aren’t for that. 

With Yoichi it’s even more ridiculous. He’s one of the worst characters I could think of to view this way, as this pushes the most UwU Soft Boi fujoshi shit onto him. If y’all aren’t aware the fetishising girls really invalidate trans folks by assuming they’re all basically the stereotype of Yoichi- small, awkward, shy, complete pushovers, and just. Nah. Same really goes for Shinya, because though he’s more confident he’s very cis gay guy and making him trans pushes the same “make the more feminine person in a gay relationship trans”. Stop it.

If you had to headcanon someone as ftm in ons I’d say some of your best options would be probably

-Kimizuki.

-Yu (though there are many conditions because he’s a victim of a lot of the fujos in fanfic with this.)

I’m trying to think of more but to be honest, that’s your best bet. If you want to go with someone else, Guren might be ok, it would just be harder to explain.

Kimizuki is the best one out of all of them to be headcanoned as trans because he breaks the problematic stereotypes, and if you think about it would make much more sense than the characters ppl usually say are trans.

He is a character who’s fairly obsessed with presenting masculinity and trying to be the strong one in the group, which is a very trans guy thing to do, and it would be the easiest to explain without going through hoops like characters that have a lot of backstory would. He doesn’t look or act feminine at all, but he has more feminine skills like cooking, and he feels ashamed of those aspects of himself even though he shouldn’t. Those are the kind of things that make someone go “that would be nice rep”. Also his hair is dyed pink, like what cis person does that?

With Yu, I see many more people in fanfic try to use the trans thing for him, and out of the context of shipping I think that’s perfectly fine. He is a very relatable character for ftm gremlins like myself and it’s reasonable to say that, although there would need to be a few adjustments for taking into consideration at one point he would have presented as female, probably during his time in sanguinem. That doesn’t really present any problems if you just adjust accordingly. Guren would be cool with “hey dad i’m a guy” and I think that would be pretty epic. But when taken into the context of, well, mikayuu shipping.

To be frank, most of the trans!yuu fics that exist are straight up just for fujos to go “hey look at this gay bottom he’s trans so he’s basically a girl and watch him act like a girl during sex” stop it. Stop it please. 

On trans girls

obviously, I am not a trans girl, and I know like. one trans girl. total. So I don’t have as much insight on this as trans ftm but some of this stuff is just common sense.

First I need to address the obvious, the phenomenon that is apparently such a thing in anime and manga for no good reason. The “this character who has a female voice actor, dresses and acts completely like a girl but is stated as male for some fucking reason” is just... hhhhhhhhhh. I think the only reason these exist is some weird japan fetish but I’m not fond of it. Headcanoning these characters as trans girls is in fact completely fine and I’d encourage it, unless them being male is actually somehow an integral part of the plot.

In the case of Asuramaru, I’d say absolutely go ahead. It makes even more sense with this character because Asura used to go by a different name and dressed much more masculine back in Ye Olde Greek Dayes but now has this demon glow up with a much more feminine look, a literal dress, a crown, hair down to their ass- that’s honestly the most valid thing you could say. 

In the case of characters presented as female in canon, it’s much more difficult than trans guys because of how girls are presented in anime and manga. And by that I mean,,, hyper sexualized and misogynistic. 

In this case I’d always say ask someone trans before jumping to conclusions. Also be wary of the “this is a masculine girl, she must be trans” because well. Again, masculine trans girls are valid but that can’t be your only reasoning PLEASE. I’ve seen trans Mito before in a fic, and tbh that’s ok, but only if you know what you’re doing with it. It can be explained pretty well with her, since she used to present as hyper feminine and pretty comphet with the guren thing, but she’s calmed down in vampire reign and I think if that has to do with her starting her transition at like 16, that’s totally fine. But that has to be handled with care, and be aware that she’s like. The most masculine girl in the series. She doesn’t wear a skirt like literally every other girl in the show, she uses physical force and her fists to fight instead of a weapon or magic, and she’s extremely headstrong. Although it would be fine if she was trans, those aspects of herself are not what would make her so, since even though it would be epic those things could cause dysphoria.

On nonbinary headcanons

These are significantly less problematic than a lot of other types, since they’re generally made by people who know what the hell they’re talking about. And there’s really no parameters for nonbinary people, so if you see someone who gives off No Gender Vibes go ahead and sprinkle in some they/them!! They don’t even have to look androgynous, though if you see a strictly single gender presenting character and want them to be enby prepare to have some explanations. Good examples of this would be

-near from death note, that gremlin wears nothing but pajamas and proceeds to grow hair down to his ass as an adult, plus the austistic coded bit... we don’t have a concept of gender tbh

-practically any demon from ons but raimeiki or gekkouin, they all just have the best vibes

-Shikama Doji, you think that bitch knows what a gender is??? Got lost in the wings pal

Just be aware of the differences needed between thinking “this person is presented as __ canonly and that is in fact their sex just not their gender” or “this person is trans fem or trans masc but isn’t strictly male or female” because those are different.

Bottom line? Ask a trans person, and don’t write a trans person just for their body.

[bondsmagii]

I mean to ask this genuinely, no hostility, but can you explain how you correlate scp to being in a cult? I dont disagree, I just cant articulate the reasoning as to why I dont disagree, and would like to see where youre coming from with this. Also, could you tag it with cults or cult discussion or something similar, please? Thanks! Have a good day.

OK [cracks knuckles] I will try and keep this as short as possible, but you have to understand I’ve been observing the wiki in the wild literally since its inception, so there is a lot of stuff to consider. anyway let’s buckle up.

[EDIT: after finishing, this is obnoxiously long. sorry. I encourage people to read it though, because yikes.]

I base this theory on a set of guidelines set out for spotting if an organisation might be a cult. generally cults are religiously based; obviously this does not apply here. as far as I’m aware, nobody sees the SCP wiki as a religion (yet). because of this a couple of the points regarding spotting a cult are irrelevant (they concern things like separation from the Church which obviously doesn’t apply) but nearly all of the others (even some religious ones) can apply if we provide context. so without further ado:

Signs You’re In A Cult and How the SCP Wiki Literally Fits Into All of Them

let’s start with the most obvious:

opposing critical thinking

something that has long pissed me off about the SCP wiki has been its complete inability to think critically. staff will literally ban people for criticising them, and the parameters of “criticism” have only grown wider and wider over the years. anything that is the “party line” is sacred; nothing can be improved upon because it’s already perfect, and Staff Knows Best. any policy changes are law, and any dissenting voices are silenced – even among younger staff members (length of service wise, not age wise). I have seen staff put on probation or demoted for arguing against pointless or pedantic policy changes; I have seen people of all levels banned for arguing with staff. if this doesn’t happen right away, arguing with staff over their decisions will absolutely get a target on your back, and they will find a way to ban or demote you as soon as they can.

any criticism on the wiki is frowned upon unless it comes from the Major Staff Members – these are people at the top of the hierarchy who can do no wrong, and as you can imagine, they’ve done some shit. staff has always had a problem with elitism, bullying, and even abusive behaviour (blah blah blah #NotAllStaff, but the ratio is quite concerning) and any criticism of their behaviour or even pointing this fact out is dangerous if you want to remain on the wiki. hell, I know many people who are aware of this who don’t speak up because they’re genuinely scared of retaliation. a lot of staff are really nasty people, and because of this attitude they are beyond criticism.

isolating members and penalising them for leaving

the penalising them for leaving part isn’t strictly accurate, because as far as I know, nobody has ever been bullied or threatened into staying on the wiki. however, I do remember a while back (2011/2012-ish) when the Foundation RP community began to show up on Tumblr, and the wiki began to get a fanbase that wasn’t contained on the site itself. staff were not happy about this and to this day they still constantly try and get a monopoly on all off-site locations. they have an official Offsite Outreach Team (yes, that’s its real name) who “reach out” to communities on other platforms (YouTube, Reddit, Tumblr, etc) and set up an Official Presence there, and then they encourage everyone to use the Official Presence rather than the fan-made ones (which are often more established and better/more consistently run). there have been several off-site spats between staff and the fandom, because they arrive demanding the authority and respect they have on the wiki and get Big Mad when they don’t get it. just recently one (now ex) staff member, djkaktus, went absolutely primal on Reddit and banned a whole bunch of the community for daring to say that they didn’t like the new LGBT logo for pride month (many of these people were LGBT themselves and felt as though it was pandering/putting targets on their backs); several more years ago (2014, I believe?) I myself had a run in with the Outreach Team and it was one fucking hell of a headache that ended in a malicious smear campaign against me, so like. yeah.

as for isolating members, they do this via elitism. the above is an example of it (making everyone feel a sense of obligation or loyalty to the Official Presence), but a huge part of it has always been the elitist attitude prevalent on the wiki. the SCP wiki has high standards for writing (allegedly… I’ve seen some garbage on there tbh, same as any other website) and it uses this to bully and demean its users. criticism of writing is overly harsh but highly encouraged; anyone complaining that it was too cruel (which it often is) is ridiculed for being too sensitive. (staff have been working on this for years, but really nothing has changed; people have just gotten more between-the-lines about it.) this encourages a kind of desperation among new users to “rise up the ranks” and earn respect so they can be the ones dishing out the criticism instead; they will do so and then immediately act in accordance to their status, bullying others how they were bullied and sticking to their own “rank”. brief interruption: staff and bootlickers if you’re reading this and thinking of reblogging to defend yourself, the code word is yeet. if I do not see the word yeet in your reply I will know you have not read this thoroughly and tell me why I should then bother reading anything you have to say.staff themselves is incredibly removed and closed off from the rest of the community; they have a bunch of private chat rooms they hang out in, and inter-dating is common. they don’t tend to interact much outside the flock, and are the definition of cliquey. joining this rank is supposed to be an achievement, but really it’s probably the most dangerous place to be. I have seen so many staff members have literal, clinical mental breakdowns over the strain and treatment they suffer.

(there’s nowhere to neatly slot this in, so: I don’t know how many people have noticed this, but SCP fans, when you spot them on other platforms, are snooty. not casual fans, but those involved with the wiki? I can spot them from a mile away, because whenever the Foundation is mentioned, there they are, acting like they’re part of some cool club. some of these people are innocent (they’re just mimicking the behaviour of other members) but some of them really do seem to think that their site is somehow better than whatever site they’re on, and it’s really creepy to see.)

emphasising special doctrines outside of scripture

obviously this is religion-specific, but with context it can fit. if we take scripture to mean SCP lore, and special doctrines to mean differing headcanons, ideas, writing styles, etc… oh boy.

there’s something that’s often said on the wiki: there is no canon. buddy, there is. yes, you can write whatever you want technically, and you can disregard headcanons you don’t like and you can build on different things and theoretically people can just ignore your shit if they don’t like it, but that is not what happens. there is absolutely a canon, and deviating from it will get you downvoted into oblivion and even personally attacked. people will accuse you of the most ridiculous shit, like desecrating the wiki or betraying the universe or whatever. so where does the emphasising part of this come in?

why, it’s simple! if one of these special doctrines (headcanons or whatever) comes from staff or an Approved Member, it’s fine. go nuts. even if it’s something that anybody else would be absolutely slaughtered for, it’s fine if staff approves. there is no creative freedom on that wiki, and anyone attempting to carve a piece out for themselves will suffer for it. one of my close friends still gets hate for an SCP he wrote featuring heavy headcanons and building on existing lore about a well-known character, and some of this hate is because he didn’t set the fucking article out “how it should be”. 

seeking inappropriate loyalty to their leaders

oh boy. staff are god on that website. they’ll deny it, but they know it’s true. many of them are arrogant and, in my opinion, some of them are pathologically narcissistic. they think they are hot shit, and they encourage people on the site to believe the same. a huge majority of users on the wiki are high school students, so 15-18 years old. the next huge group are college-aged, so 19-22 or so. several staff members are in their mid-20s up to 30s, maybe even coming 40s or early 40s now. when you’re in your mid-20s, it’s very easy to look cool to a 15-year-old. it’s very easy to look at a young userbase and convince them that you’re hot shit, and that’s what staff do. they act like it; most users respond to it, and if anyone dissents? see point one.

staff have always had double standards. from the very beginning of staff, they have gotten away with a lot more than the average user. staff have been allowed to bully, ridicule, harass, dismiss, shit upon, and target people with reckless abandon, usually only meeting punishment when other staff members feel too inconvenienced by them. a lot of the time when they’re punished, it’s a lot lighter than it would have been for an average user (a month ban rather than a permaban, for example). this is seen as almost a point of hilarity for a lot of people, who think it’s cool and just a right you get when you’re staff. you know best, you’ve seen some shit – who can blame you for slamdunking a 15-year-old’s first SCP?

the amount of respect and adoration these people demand is ridiculous, and anybody daring to criticise them ends up on a shitlist. staff show up in other areas (Tumblr or Reddit) and expect that same amount of respect, even among people outside of the wiki who might just be casual fans. they act a lot more important than they are, and demand that everyone treats them appropriately. I’ve seen staff members throw shitfits because they didn’t get enough upvotes for their articles, and many staff members’ quality of work declines when they make staff, simply because they know that they’ll get easy upvotes as soon as people realise it’s a staff member who wrote it. downvotes are enough to get you put on a shitlist. 

publicly, their word is law. you are not allowed to debate with them in the forums if they put a “stop” on the topic; the same applies in the IRC chat. if staff says “stop”, you will be punished if you mention it again. you are allowed to discuss it with them privately, but I think that’s rather insidious, as staff have been known to twist facts and withhold information before. this gives them a public persona of always being right – and something else that cults do is silence dissenting voices so nobody who might agree can see other people saying the same things and feel encouraged/emboldened. 

crossing Biblical boundaries of behaviour

again, we’ll need to contextualise this. if Biblical boundaries are things like sins and all the stuff the Bible says Do Not Do, then in this context these are the wiki rules. staff (and their friends) will constantly cross the rules, as previously mentioned, and they will get away with it.

the wiki rules say “don’t be a dick”. I have caught staff bullying people countless times, and no doubt there’s more I haven’t caught. even out in the open, staff are argumentative, dismissive, rude, intimidating, and oftentimes plain nasty. the wiki rules say “don’t coldpost articles; get feedback”. staff is just out there throwing their shit onto the wiki and expecting an avalanche of upvotes in five minutes Or Else. policies are made that set parameters and staff changes them whenever convenient – for example, the long-standing rule that things that occur off-site are not the responsibility of the Disciplinary Committee (yes, its name.). unless, of course, it’s someone they don’t like. a major staff member bullies somebody on Tumblr? “sorry, it was offsite, not our problem”. someone staff doesn’t like gets into a brief spat on Reddit? banned for harassment. 

there are countless examples of this, from small things to major things like bullying, harassment, and even abuse (or enabling of abuse). staff will punish people for transgressions and then turn a blind eye to a fellow staff member committing a transgression that was ten times worse. they have even protected rapists and sexual predators in the past – another kind of behaviour common in cults, because that’s what happens when you combine narcissism and entitlement with total authority.

that’s the main bulk of it

but now the context has been established, here are a few more concerning things I’ve noticed (quickfire now):

cults shit on former members

and the wiki does the same. any staff member that’s grown fed up of the groupthink and the cliquey attitude and how nasty people are or who has been mistreated by staff themselves; any regular user who feels the same and vocally quits? shat upon. lauded as a bastion of whatever is wrong with the wiki. declared an Enemy and rallied against. it is so creepy.

cults use Us vs Them mentality, especially in language

broad declarations establishing a community and a community spirit in the face of adversity are common in cults. appeals to emotion and loyalty are used in a very manipulative way. catastrophising and fearmongering is common, too. I’m seeing this in how the recent drama with the legal issues is being handled. broad appeals to “defend the wiki”, hashtags being encouraged, emotional speeches from staff about how it’s a make or break situation… 

…and this is being reflected in the absolutely insane comments people are responding with.

this is a fucking writing website. the above is not a normal reaction at all.

the attitudes of regular users quickly grow concerning

people very quickly get obsessed with the wiki and it defines their lives. they seem to feel as though they owe something to it or they need to serve some kind of a purpose; many people try and “get the word out” and become voluntary spokespeople. they go around practically preaching, and I do not see the users of any other website doing this.

cults want full control over how they’re seen by outsiders

and the scp wiki does the same. as mentioned previously, when the fandom grew and spiralled off the wiki to other sites, staff debated for weeks over what to do. brief interruption the second code is shrek is life.they were not comfortable with the idea of the wiki having an independent fandom, and for years now they have been in constant struggle with offsite communities, trying to gain the same amount of control they have over the wiki. it’s impossible to do so thoroughly, and it’s clearly an annoyance for them.

cult leaders will let “lesser” members do their dirty work for them

and guess what staff does? rather than wade in there and get their hands dirty with internet arguments, they’ll sit back and let regular users dogpile on dissenters and say all the things staff shouldn’t be seen to say in public. note how even if this would violate the bullying policies, they’ll just get a warning so long as staff agrees. 

in conclusion

@ everyone on the scp wiki: yall know you’re in a cult, right?

[spnreactionblogging]

CARRY ON

spoilers below but I’m very late to the game

here we go!!! there's Some Woman in the thumbnail for this episode and I'm like oh boy did you fuckers turn castiel into a girl to make it Not Gay, I will riot. we're off to a dread-inducing start I'm honestly not even sure I want to watch this? I have not heard anything good but since my options are either keep SPN blacklisted forever but ultimately get spoiled anyway, or use my dwindling remaining time to see it for myself without being told what happens, may as well be on my own terms I am hearing that misha and possibly j2 were not happy with this, whatever this is (?????) yikes I don't understand how you even have another episode after the last one. that seems like a traditional ending. you either beat a dead horse or go ultra meta and it sounds like they dropped the ball, big time but let's see jack's sweet and deserved better. there's a clock but it's NOT heat of the moment playing, damn oh the dog. we love you miracle dog sam's still jogging where's eileen!!!! I like seeing sam cooking I actually enjoy watching them do domestic stuff dean sneaking food to the dog 😭 can this be the whole episode, just them doing chores I meant to catch which book sam was reading I can't tell but it looks like it's old this is extra bonus sad for knowing that they couldn't even like, have a wrap party or anything. extra isolated. :( SPECIAL GUEST STAR JIM BEAVER!!! "Are you sure you're ready for this?" "Oh, I don't have a choice." dean hasn't been this relatable to me in years, this is how I feel watching this lmao akron pie fest dean dies of complications from diabetes god I miss bakeries or restaurants or anything I do love Sad Sam Face "I"'m thinking about Cas, you know? Jack. If they could be here." thank you Sam that pain isn't going away for me either "stop being an eeyore" Sam's the Eeyore of the series, Dean, okay, and same lmao jared fucking slammed that pie into jensen's face and they just filmed it. you can see the actual glee on his face brady??? like sam's old classmate? wasn't that his name? or no some kid. is this just a regular-ass monster of the week. do sam and dean just get killed by like. regular people? are there no monsters anymore. I would actually love that. humanity is truly the worst monster of all. didn't we learn that in season 1 :') in "the benders" are these guys sam and dean? are they just murdering monster families like they did in the holiday episode? what is happening. are those dean's shoes. I could probably recognize how they walk if I really paid attention i guess not. probably. "singer and kripke, FBI" ha fucking clowns lmao poor sam they still have dad's journal, huh. THE LORE evil mimes. vamp-mimes. I guess they kill these dudes? we gonna unmask them or what there we go this guy looks like joseph gordon-levitt oh we love torture on this show this is definitely "dean who's NOT the ultimate killer" amirite "if those kids are dead he's gonna use a spoon" how very walter sullivan of you also I feel like sam would not do this anymore but hey who am I, someone who likes consistent characterization? lol we're back to creepy barns instead of wet pipe factories dean has a fucking shuriken lmao I honestly for real need a machete for the overgrown weeds I don't hate this so far? I'm tired of the constant torture but I guess this feels like early seasons, kind of. idk. lmao sam with the concussions. classic tie them to a chair. it's what we do. i will be disappointed if they are not tied to a chair jenny? cue studio killers. I do not remember whatever episiode this is but it looks very early based on sam's hair oh thanks sam. couldn't get out of this episode without beheading a woman too one of the suggestions for me typing "woman" was a high-heeled shoe emoji. thanks, predictive text...?????? true feminist oh damn he could very well get tetanus from that. that's how trinity dies, man. should've gotten your booster shot, dean. vaccines save lives this is like the plot of signs why don't you guys wear bulletproof shit. your plot armor was holding you together until now. GUYS THIS IS HOW HUNTERS GO OKAY don't ever un-impale someone, guys like "dean we are in a major city, there are ambulances" call fucking 911, someone could be there already "I've always looked up to you" because you're taller than me lmaoooo idefk what to say about this like. we all know this is how hunters die. you fucking leered at jessica is what you did, dean if sam makes it out of this I'll accept it. if sam lives I can be okay. if this is the only way sam gets free of this, I'm okay. CALL 911 AND CALL JACK "always keep fighting" aw :( they're both very good at crying, I will give them that we never think it's gonna be the day. at least you got pie. OH THE WINCHESTER FAMILY MUSIC don't do this to me dean got a way better death than castiel. this actually reminds me a liiiiittle bit of the end of season 2? with how dean holds sam's body. the writing here is overwrought though. jared and jensen do the best they can with the script they're given but like you guys just FOUGHT GOD. they're a bit too up their own ass with this. you can tell that dabb thinks he's very clever. sam... gets a dog again? at least. i guess. the pacing is bad. I don't hate this on principle but it is not executed well. I am having like no emotional response to this except maybe relief for sam in a horrid way. like, you're free! at what cost. it's like the opposite of season 5? sam survives instead of dean. and... sam marries a dog. where do they get all this fucking lumber!!! did sam chop that all himself dude if he woke up to "heat of the moment" i'd lose my shit in the best way. gabriel wins. "gotta keep you on your toes." what had to change in this because of the pandemic? at least sam has a dog to be in scenes with him. the two guns as big and little brothers is an interesting choice of a shot. god the fucking phones. "DHS" "CIA" "dean's 'other other' phone" "state patrol" what's the paperwork on his desk? (512) is an Austin area code I have this on amazon prime and the saddest thing thus far is X-Ray: Jared Padalecki as Sam Winchester, with no other actors at all. meta ways, pandemic related. "this is agent bon jovi" donna's alive??? sam just quit, babe. just quit. or take a day off at least, jesus. didn't you just drive back from ohio are you even gonna go back to the bunker DEAN IN HEAVEN!!! how'd you get here. "well at least I made it to heaven" lmao he said the same thing oh hey bobby!! I love jack god i've missed jim beaver you guys moved on to dream bubbles!!!!! RUFUS how very homestuck + narnia of you, starring sam winchester as susan pevensie so jack just like melded all of these metaphysical spaces, I'm cool with that "so the question is what are you gonna do now, dean?" get a better beer so I can drink and drive with my car that's in heaven, I'm already dead so who cares what I hit TELL ME WHERE IS BALTHAZAR FOR I MUCH DESIRE TO SPEAK WITH HIM break everyone out of the empty I do get the impression this was supposed to be a big cast reunion and the pandemic clobbered that :( oh it's the original license plate on the impala sure do love that cas and jack "helped" to give dean everything he's ever wanted. the only time "carry on my wayward son" has been diegetic I guess sam and the dog had a child I like jared in glasses are we doing a bunch of elderly makeup yeah there he is did they just spray grey temp dye on his hair or what is sam gonna drive into toluca lake!!! buddy please don't just run the engine in a garage, he took off his glasses and that makes me nervous jake gyllenhaal looking dude which cover is this must be nice to have healthcare I so appreciate that sam's wife has zero personality and is merely in the background, of no importance whatsoever compared to his kid named dean are the two impalas gonna meet in heaven????? vancouver is beautiful, or wherever this is at jared looks so cozy in that coat you can tell j2 really do love each other for real the majesty of that forest/that river got me choked up a bit, it's such a lonely thing. like. I can see what they were going for? like dean just... getting sick, falling off a ladder, getting in a car accident, etc etc would've been more potent, I think. the execution was not good. I'm not that unhappy though. it's all right. eh. it's fine. the heartfelt message from the cast (what's left of them....) and the crew was sweet. I want to know what they were intending to do? I feel like you can definitely feel the weight of COVID fucking this up which is genuinely upsetting. sam gets like 50 years of being free of dean I GUESS???? perhaps the only way to break the cycle.

at least there was no sexual assault in this episode. i have definitely watched way worse episodes of this show. it's like. twee. but I can't be mad at these guys especially with how much I know jared in particular has been struggling with the state of the world this year but jensen talked about it with rosenbaum on his show too. 2020 has been rough. like. at least they filmed it. whatever. I feel like I get what they were trying to do even if circumstances meant it wasn't really pulled off. it seems like they were supposed to have a big cast reunion and the pandemic took the wind completely out of their sails. this feels incredibly tacked on. 15x19 would've been a much better place to stop. I feel like I just read andrew dabb's notes. I get what they were trying to go for but they didn't pull it off. I thought it was gonna be a lot worse tbh in summary: EHHHHHHHHH

[quackspot]

i started thinking about that gay bastard oc of yours. platano. can u tell me about him

omg u wer thinkgin about platano..... mr banana man... mr 4011. i am obsessed with the banana code srry i just got back from work (it was good :-D)

any way. um. im going below the cut. he kidnaps people and he murders people and i hate him because he’s also a massive weeb so. hm

HISTORY OF PLATANO... yea his name is spanish for banana

his father, pablo, will probably get a name change someday but i literally never think of his father since the only thing he did in platano’s backstory was disappear 

since platano’s world has characters based off like. fruits and vegetables (there aren’t really any limit to what the characters are based off of. it was in my lazy google translate name phase so we have like... a gay character named arcenciel who becomes dadlike through my powerful canon-changing touch. also arcenciel wears the colors of the rainbow as often as he can i haven’t figured out a good design for him since i’m not used to using more than 5 colors. he also owns a hat factory)

i think arcenciel and platano are friends they met when platano was like. 17 probably and arcenciel would be around uhhhhh ummmmmmm 21??? idk man but in canon he’s probably around 30 . yes i m saying “in canon” because i wrote a really dumb and horrible story back in 2018 arcenciel used to have HUGE internalized homophobia and i turned that into a running joke and i dislike that so that’s a reason why i’m not sharing the fun little story i wrote for my friends

(the best part of that story is when arcenciel threw his light-up rainbow heelies at platano, thus starting the boss fight which the main cast LOST.)

ok back to the topic at hand. platano.

i have a whole doc named platano where i just wrote drabbles about him so i’m going to summarize them

the first one was his friend, percisi (my only cishet oc he’s very short and very aggressive while also dressing in a soft-colored turtleneck since he’s based off of peaches) using a misunderstood form of satanism to summon satan. guess what percisi and platano summoned satan for. it was a manga update! wow

i won’t say the mangas name it was an inside joke

so platano was like “hey satan can i have this manga now please please” and satan went “sure just kill people for me” 

that determined platanos job for the next 7 or so years <3 wonderful. 

(it was basically me writing a backstory for a scene to happen in the main writing i wrote for my friends. he killed someone because someone else in the building was trying to summon satan. very confusing but okay i guess.)

i think right after that i wrote about platano meeting his boyfriend, sage, for the first time. i have horribly mixed feelings about their relationship since it’s very. Hm.

so platano kidnaps people to watch anime with him because all his friends left him and his best friend, mangue, is too busy being a dictator over the Land of the Fruits. i shit you not fruits oppressed the vegetables. i wrote that dynamic between the two because i was learning about the revolutionary war in US History. something like that at least

(the Land of the Fruits is not the official name)

on the topic of kidnapping people. guess who his favorite person was. sage. it was sage. so he tried to take sage often but they probably discussed Proper boundaries since everyone else tried to run away. hmm i am now going to write a bit right now 

“Platano,” Sage started. “Why do you keep kidnapping me? It’s rude and I hate it.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” The yellow-haired fool leaned on his sword, digging the tip deeper into the ground. 

“ASK ME IF I WANT TO HANG OUT??” 

“I can do that?”

“You keep making my dads worried.” Sage looked around the area, fidgeting with his hands. 

“Oh. Okay. Want to hang out? Watch some anime?” Platano paused for a moment, but managed to say “Maybe kiss?” before Sage got to answer.

“I- KISS??? We can watch anime together. We can go now.” 

Sage ushered Platano through a portal as fast as he could. 

His dads were never worried.

hmmm maybe that’s alright idk i’m a little tired so it’s probably a little out of character. sage probably isn’t that loud but i think it was trying to be the dynamic of “oh, we’re not dating” when they kiss every sunday at 5 pm by a romantic river scene 

he’s a character who is, at his very core, horrible and bad. he is portrayed in a way i DESPISE but i’m too lazy to correct it. his interest in sage actually started with me going “hmm i think platano would draw sage like this” then sauce giving me fun facts about his oc, sage, yea sage is sauce’s oc <3 epic win . so sauce gave me fun facts about sage and i was like “time to doodle these in platanos ‘art style’” when in reality it’s just the mockery of people just getting into an anime art style, with the chin so pointy it could cut a cake 

i might reread my old writing from 2018. i gotta agree with the judges for that year i did not write very well

it mightve actually been made in 2017 which would be FUCKIN CRAZY im gonna check rn 

yea it was started in 2018. february 14th... huh . finished it completely in june of that year it was 41 pages total and it’s not even double spaced how did i write something without double spacing it

OH MY GOD BOB IS GOING TO HIJACK THIS RANT JUST FOR A LITTLE

so bob is a fluffy little anthro cloud with a grey top hat and bowtie. he is amazing. i love bob. bob is another one of sauce’s character and mangue (mentioned earlier) was made by my friend jamie 

(you can always ask for their tumblrs but i’d ask them if its okay to share their tumblrs. i might just look at them and reblog their stuff cuz i like their art!!! maybe jamie posted a drawing she made recently on her blog but tbh i don’t think she would she’s more of a twitter user)

ok so im skimming thru UMG which is the story it stands for “Universe of Magic Gardens” and it was originally made for a prank on ponytown so people would go “what’s UMG” and my friends and i would be like “ur mom gay xDDDDDD” or something like that . horrible but i’m glad i’ve changed from . that.

here’s a bit i actually like AKLJFISJFIO

“What the actual FUCK, Ilkie?!” Arcenciel cringed in fear. “Put it back- it’s too ugly.” He pointed at Platano, whose arms were crossed. 

why is it bolded. anyway.

i just saw a part where eau used y’all... water cowboy moments <333 i really need to make refs for all of those old characters. all of my umg-related characters have to be my oldest-living ocs. 

i cant believe this is making me genuinely reread my old writing just to go “WJHFSIDAJKSFIOJ WTF????” 

some of the lines on it sound like something you would hear on like. a school bus or somethin 

looking at umg like “wtf how did i add so much Meat to this writing” bc most of my writing now is mostly quotations to progress the story (like the quickie i wrote earlier. i could add meat to it but im  tired lol)

OK THIS IS MORE GENERAL BUT MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THIS WAS WRITING HAIKUS FOR PORTALS. after you visit a place enough times it’s kind of just an instinct to open a portal there so you don’t have to recite a haiku 

uhh ok here’s another bit becuase im feeling like living la vida loca.  ur biggest regret should be “can you tell me about him” by this point bc i’ve written too much to go back now

He landed on his face once he was outside of the hat. Meko quickly walked over to the guest room, opened the Portals for Dummies book, and flipped to a page. It looked devious.

“Banana, mango,

Each tasting amazingly.

A taste of evil.” 

Meko did the dance on the page, it consisted of something that looks like it’s from an anime. A portal opened, the familiar scent of bananas and mangoes coming from it. With some hesitation, Meko stepped in. He quickly made it so only his head peeked in.

it wasnt bolded this time but i like it bolded. ok i understand how i added meat it was just shitty expired meat ALKFSJSHDAIUJKFEIODSJAK . it wasnt even that much meat DAMN. it just looked like more.

actually that’s all i will write. i could  do more w platano but yea at his base he is a blonde twink who kills people because he wanted a manga but now he’s friends with a dictator. woo! wow. amazing character writing. i cant wait to get motivation to rewrite everything and make platano a good villain (he will still be very interested in anime sadly. idk why around that time i liked making characters who were obsessed with anime i didn’t even watch it much myself. i think it was because i wanted to put capes on them)

[bearpillowmonster]

Resident Evil 2 Remake Review

NON SPOILER

I've bought Resi 4 on Steam, after the first level of playing it, I realized that it wasn't for me, all the enemies looked the same and it looked repetitive, zombies kept spawning and there was no way to get rid of them all, I ran out of ammo, it was a mess. I knew that the genre did that, I know that that’s the point, but I didn’t like it. Plus, I couldn't even really get the gunplay to work right. I heard that it was at its best on the Gamecube but I haven't given it another shot since then. However I saw that Resi2 got a demo, so I played it when it released and I kind of liked it, I was sold on the game and asked for it for Christmas (or maybe even my birthday, so yeah it’s been a long time but I was busy with other games) Now, the RE3 remake is already out...wow, time to play RE2 then, huh? So, you can consider this my "first" RE game.

Right out of the gate, visuals are stunning, almost needless to say and the level of accuracy is immense. I mean I didn't expect there to be a gas station at the beginning but it even had the lighters and beef jerky towards the front and stuff, they really went all out. 

I can't imagine seeing this game when the original came out with PS1 graphics, it's ambitious, this is clearly the way it belongs. I thought a bug flew on screen but then I realized it was in-game, it's immersive, I don't normally read all the little tidbits and notes and stuff but it was generally interesting to read on the lore along with the VHS tapes and get some clues as to what to do next. I tried to play through it as if it were 1998 so I didn't look much up, I usually tried to do it myself with a few small exceptions. I felt accomplished by the end of each session like "Wow, I did that. I'm smart." It's rewarding. Now I played through each campaign so both Leon and Claire (starting with Leon) Claire on the other hand I was more lenient with, I looked up a decent amount because I was already in the station doing the same puzzles as Leon. It makes me wonder how they got the same items story-wise though, I mean we see Leon leaving her notes but you can't blow up the same wall twice in reality, that's nitpicking the game a little bit though. I will say that I felt like it was a wild goose chase when I did look it up because every thing I looked up was giving me different information "The portable safe is in this room." "No it's in this room." "This is the combination for the unicorn statue" "No it isn't, this is." Because it varies when you're playing on standard vs hardcore and whether it's your first or second run. So, I got my punishments for looking it up I guess.

But with that said, I know some of these types of older games have a tendency to make it really confusing and difficult without a guide so I was kind of worried about not knowing what to do or where to go. While I will say I had had to look a few things up, it became cut and dry once I figured out the pattern, most of the things I looked up were things I was going to do anyway but wanted to make sure before I somehow unleashed a hoard of zombies that I certainly didn't want. Same goes for story too, I knew close to nothing about it. But you basically just have to make it to the next area, think of it as that Chowder episode where he loses his hat and Chestnut has it so he has to go around doing odd jobs one by one in order to progress. The overall goal is to get out of the police station and kind of just find a way to survive but you have to focus on the smaller goals / getting to the next room. I looked pretty thoroughly through everything and managed to find everything I needed without even trying or knowing what it was for half the time like "Well this should come in handy later." *puts it in storage chest*  Speaking of, I like how each chest is like an Ender Chest and is interchangeable as if it was the same one chest in every location, that makes things much easier rather than some hardcore game of "where did I put my keys?" that I'm not into. But you learn to find your destination a lot easier than I thought. That was always something I hated about Resident Evil games while watching them, that there was a lot of backtracking but actually playing the game hits differently, it's not what I expected, it's actually kind of fun, like I mentioned saying "I know where that is!"

Maybe it's just the setting of a police station that did that for me or maybe seeing speedrunners doing it with the old games and paying no mind made me scared or maybe the fixed camera angle of the old games (so that each side of the room had the clip as if it were just a picture) along with the idea that the originals are dated rather than PS4 but regardless, it's just surprisingly not annoying like I thought.

Games can easily stress me out but I actually found myself cruising and feeling good about it despite all these zombies...then I met Mr. X. He chases you EVERYWHERE throughout the game. Thing of nightmares. I will probably hear footsteps in my sleep now. I knew he was coming but I didn't know his presence wasn't always scripted, it's just a game of cat and mouse...and he's the cat! It gets me paranoid because I'll stop and hear footsteps then stand still for a good 5 minutes and he's still tromping around. I walk down a hall. BOOM! Crashes through the wall, making ME screech. There's no way to get rid of him and it kind of ruins the atmosphere to be honest, I know it's trying to be scary but it's more annoying than scary because every time I move I'm like "Ok stop" and I'll stand around for a minute, checking the map, to check the fastest route to where I need to go, just to make sure and then continue... only to turn the next corner and then repeat. I couldn't even move comfortably anymore, it's space invading. The tension is high because he can come into the main hall which I liked to use to save but alas, I had to memorize where all the other save points were or check the map again.

So, you get to play as Claire, which I like, but with Leon's story it's kind of just like "Well I'm going to do my own thing and if she survives, she survives." I understand each step is essential to progressing and getting closer but for all he knows, she's just out in the rain, waiting for him to unlock the door. And I also know that she said that she can handle herself (before Leon had to point out the zombie behind her! lmao) and he has survival on the forefront of his mind too but still. They flirt every time they're on screen together but the thing is that I love it, I ship it, it's cheesy but I don't care, that’s half of what I’m even here for.

As for the rest of the story, you're telling me that they made not just one movie but a SERIES of movies and it wasn't this?! This is great, this is a master-craft in its work. I'm not a big fan of zombie movies, I'm sure there's one out there that I like but I can't think of any off the top of my head but this? This is it! (Jennifer Lawrence would make a good Claire tbh) Let alone the horror genre in general, I'm not even frightened all that easily, I just think a lot of the plots and decisions are stupid in horror, this goes against all that. Speaking of spooky, I know making the screen brightness balanced is normal for games but I don't think it's mattered more than here, brighten that baby up because sometimes it's pitch black, immersive but still hard to see.

Boss fights are something I didn't think a whole lot about until I actually got to it. Doing the first boss fight with G was really memorable for me because I could cower away all I wanted in that gridded pit of a machine room and just launch grenades at him but it wasn't until the bosses in the sewer that I really started to like it. First was that Crash Bandicoot type running sequence, then we had G-2. I had actually ran out of ammo at that point, I used it all on the sewage monsters (I didn't get the flamethrower, I didn't know how, as I said, I did this more or less blind) so I just kept running, and clicked X every time the option came up, hoping to pick up something good. All I got was a combat knife and a flash grenade, then I started messing with the buttons on the control panel, in hopes of cheesing it and just going to the next section but then I realized what I was actually doing. I was using those buttons to move a crate and using that crate to slam G into a pit. I love the classic boss style, I haven't played a boss like that in a long time. One where it doesn't matter how much ammo you have, but just using the environment to your advantage without it explicitly telling you (except the death screen giving you hints). That was until the later boss fights, you basically just keep unloading your belt until they die, kinda lame but whatever.

This actually made me rethink the genre and also about giving one of the other games a shot (PLEASE REMAKE CODE VERONICA, I BEG!) it might be right time, right place (PS4 with modern graphics and modern gunplay) that made me actually interested. The “true ending” is unlocked by playing through one of the two’s campaign and then playing through the other, which is basically the same game but with different cutscenes and context (some new areas too) so it’s definitely worth it, you could even just speedrun the second run if you’d like, you even unlock a secret boss and for those who have already seen the true ending, know that I liked it based off of what I said earlier, no spoilers.

[omgokiguess]

I haven't been freaking out about starting this new job and really I have no reason to freak out but I feel like, idk as a woman in this field you kind of have to freak out and question yourself to a certain extent before starting any new job. I've been telling myself like, they interviewed me, they saw some projects that I've done, they tested my data science knowledge and they thought I was good enough, and like I must meet their definition of what they were looking for, recent master's graduate that's looking for a full time data science position. So like, they can't really be expecting a full on ready to go expert. I'm making a shit load in my eyes but for them I'm actually relatively cheap labor. I bet my manager makes over 200k, maybe even 250k. But like. Idk I'm just nervous I don't want to look like an idiot. The one thing I have full confidence in though is that I am going to be the best at communicating and presenting and other various social stuff on the team. Like no question for that one, and I've met them all too so I know for sure. It probably contributed to them hiring me tbh. And the fact that I've had to do work with engineers working in remote offices before probably helped a lot, cause yeah I imagine a lot of engineers really fucking suck at dealing with remote coworkers and I really don't. So at least I can feel good about that. But I'm nervous I mean. I haven't even seen the databases they work with, I haven't seen the size of the projects we work on, but like ugh okay I'm thinking about it I'm trying to reassure myself. I know how to figure out a good solution to a data science problem. I can get it done it just might frustrate me along the way. And I can be really good at commenting the code so that at the very least people can just open it and easily understand what I was thinking, even if I get something wrong. I'm a little afraid that maybe some of the other team members will write code in a way that's hard for me to understand and not leave comments, but at least I'm big enough to just ask them what's going on here (a lot of engineers would not do that). I also don't even know what types of databases they use. Like whatever though this whole job is mostly just going to be googling how to do something and then fitting a good solution to the data I'm working with. And really after like, 6ish months I'm gonna be really good at the job because I do pick stuff up pretty quickly. I'm just kinda nervous I guess.

[gavinbowman]

September - Launched!

Ok, let’s get the big bit out of the way first... we launched a game. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that long ago that I was popping games into the app store on a fairly regular basis... but this month’s Dungeon Drop launch was actually the first in over 2 years. And I think there was over a year prior to that one to find another. So those days are clearly long gone. And it’s been a trip.

But hey, Dungeon Drop is out, and we’re really happy with it. If you haven’t tried it yet, it’s a free download on the App Store now.

The launch experience was a fun one, we’d had September 19th lined up for a while as the release date, and then a couple of weeks earlier Apple announced that Apple Arcade would launch on the same day. Bringing 50-100 premium mobile games that players could play for free with a trial subscription, or enjoy completely for only $4.99 per month. All starting on the same day as our little game. What do we do? We had a lot of suggestions to move the date, and we were pretty split on it for a while there, but we ultimately decided to go with the original launch date.

And it worked out well I think, we got one of the best feature spots we’ve ever had for the game in the App Store, I think probably our first US feature since Slambots in 2013... I guess maybe a lot of developers avoided that date and left us some air to work with? Either way. It got featured. A few people told me they liked it, and few even told me they bought the premium upgrade. So that was a great feeling, mission accomplished for Dungeon Drop.

Our next iOS game launches mid-November. We’ll post it for pre-orders later this month and share details then.

We hadn’t really used the pre-order feature prior to Dungeon Drop, but it turned out to be really useful for sharing the game info before launch. We didn’t need a separate web page to direct people to, or even really a video, people could just see the screenshots and app preview on the App Store for themselves. We did post a trailer for Dungeon Drop on Youtube and a couple of twitter videos or gifs, and those worked out well too... so we’ll definitely do that again next time around.

Anyway, I’m less concerned about that launch now, having seen Dungeon Drop get some play and positive response I feel happy with where we’re at with what we’re putting out. Now we need to turn that around and apply it to Monsters & Monocles.

Oh god. What the hell have I agreed to. Finishing this up is going to be a big thing. Ryan is a smart cookie, so fortunately the code is clean and organized. It’s just that there’s a lot of it, and it’s all Ryan’s and not mine. It makes more sense than mine would have, but I don’t instinctively know where to find anything yet. I managed to poke at a few bits, they seem to do what I expected them to do, and I think I can massage all the things I don’t like into something we’ll be happy to launch. I just feel massively overwhelmed right now. There’s a lot of layers to everything, there’s 3 different platforms they launched the game on, there’s the single player, local coop, and online multiplayer cases to consider in everything. And then there’s the stuff that Ryan wasn’t really finished working on when he left... some of those things are hard for me to distinguish from things that either weren’t done at all or have been finished for years. For now I’m really just trying to build a big picture of it all in my head without running off to the mountains first.

I think what I’ll be looking at this month will be a long overdue UI overhaul, because I feel like that’s going to be relatively painless to address. I’ll just need new designs and artwork from Craig and I think I can shuffle everything around and give it a nice new lick of paint there... and hopefully that’ll start to make it feel more like my game. In game, there’s a fair amount of broken or less than great camera stuff that I’d like to get working, which should give me some exposure to the NPC systems and what state those are in, and then I’d like to get things like the player death sequences cleaned up. I’ll be having to touch a lot of systems but I feel like I’ll build a pretty good understanding of a lot of it that way.

I’m hoping a lot of the existing systems like the map generation, basic physics and controls, and the network play, are largely sound for most of what a finished version of this game needs to be. Some of the npc/meta stuff will need an overhaul to create a roadmap to 1.0, and some of the systems like the enemy behaviors, weapons, characters might just need expanded on as they are.

Hopefully. Since the game is out there anyway and there’s only a few people reading this I’ll try to talk about it in a more open inside baseball kinda way as we try to wrap it up. I’m always more open on emotional or general aspects of how things are going, so it’ll be fun to try to be more open in addressing specifics. No promises though, I’ve never really tried this before.

Speaking of generalities, this month wasn’t bad really. Launching Dungeon Drop was a huge distraction that I kind of allowed myself, and then I got horribly sick taking my kids to a soft play place and lost a bunch of work there too. But I’ve had much worse months, and after pushing through finishing two games in a row I probably should cut myself some slack. I’m spending some time working in the same room as Craig this week, which helped a bunch with Dungeon Drop, although it’s kind of difficult with Monsters & Monocles since there’s so much to do and I’m so far off the pace on mastering the ins and outs of the project. If nothing else, having someone next to me gives me a good push to try something anyway.

Aside from working, I’ve been having a blast playing the goose game with my kids, they just laugh hysterically while the goose is horrible, and it’s awesome. Probably one of the best games to play with kids. I finished up Mario Rabbids Kingdom Battle. That was great. My kids enjoyed watching some of the earlier battles and the story sections, but they got bored easily when the battles got longer and harder, and during the longer exploration bits. That’s actually kinda like me, tbh, although they did a great job of keeping the later battles challenging without becoming a huge grind or massively difficult. The difficulty probably spiked most in the second half of the second world and the first half of the third for me... There’s some extra challenges to play, I didn’t do those, and there’s more coop levels we didn’t play, those are fun too. Haven’t tried vs mode. 100% campaign and most of the collectables was about 30-40 hours, so a decent length, but my switch obviously can’t pull out kid aimless wandering or repeating time, so I don’t know exactly how that is. I could have shaved off probably 5-10 hours just by not wandering around looking for hidden chests, which mostly don’t add anything to the gameplay or give you any useful boosts, and involve a lot of back tracking and kind of boring wandering around (you’re wandering around beautiful worlds, but it’s mostly linear and you’ve seen it already). 

Other games, we’re still playing Mario 3D World, but the kids are definitely tapping out on it a little, but it had a very good run. They love watching Captain Toad, so I got to play through the first couple of hours of that, it’s adorable, I hope I get to play the rest. But they like to try to play and it’s too hard for them, so they get annoyed. We’ve played a bit of Mario Kart, but they don’t really try to stay on the tracks yet, but I feel like they’re going to love that when it clicks. And weirdly they watched me play Twilight Princess for about an hour last night and both seemed to love it, so I might actually get to make some more progress in that. Although it’s rough going after Breath of the Wild, the rigidity and the camera especially make it feel it’s age, even in the HD remake. Off on my own I’ve been picking away at an old copy of Link’s Awakening with the hope of finishing it again before I eventually play the remake. It’s such a great game, I think it may have been the first Zelda I actually played through, since I never had an NES of my own.

Okay, I’ve gone on long enough, back to work, I’d better get going on something so I have some good Monsters & Monocles progress to report next month.

[passingdaysthings]

03.5.2023 - Oh boy, peace?

Today is Sunday 

It seems like I really like writing on Sundays, and as usual, I read my last post before writing this one. Taylor and I slightly discussed why I deleted the pictures and videos, and I told him, it was just awkward for me when he would flirt with Victoria. This was something he decided to address only after drinking quite a bit. It seems like he didn’t think it was hardcore flirting, but I said I thought it was and it make me feel awkward. The man literally said he wanted to buy her flowers for Valentines, and he asked her to be his Valentines. Tbh, I didn’t think much of the Valentines thing, and it was more of the flowers thing. He wanted to send flowers to her even though that is not something he would do for anyone. I also told him it was just weird for me because she is my best friend, and she knows about our “friendship”. I guess it’s not weird to him because he probably thinks she doesn’t know anything about our “friendship”. I wonder if he will start acting weird or changing how he acts since I voiced my opinion about it. I really wish our friendship could go back to the regular friendship that it use to be. None of the sexual talk, no sleeping together talk, and just completely delete those 2 months of very relationship type stuff. I may have deleted the picture I sent, but then we just sent new ones. Life would be so much more peaceful if I could just stop this, but I just can’t help it. Why am I like this? I’ve never been like this before, and to be honest, Taylor could go date someone else, and I wouldn’t have much thought about it. I think I need to stop trying to understand Taylor too because that is not going to happen since he never speaks his mind. I need to get over it. I must really be bored or something to let these things continue bothering me enough to write about it.  

Onto other things, I am really annoyed with how my school teaches class because I feel like I am just getting the definition of things and no example. It’s like they expect to know how to work a problem based purely on knowing the definition of something. Like sir? Can I get an example or something related? I just don’t understand why school is taught so different from how things would be taught in real life. I am 100% that I will have to go through training at my future job regardless of what I learned in school. No way I am gonna start a new job, and they just throw me into the deep end without training. That’s how school is currently so it makes no sense to me. Thank you for the example, now would you please work on a problem similar to the one on homework. That would be useful. Also, I hate that homework is graded for correctness rather than completion. My problem with that is homework is used for us to practice what we learned in class, and mistakes are gonna be made because it is our first time learning or doing a problem like that. I don’t understand why it’s graded for correctness like an exam or test. I think that homework should be done, graded based on completion, and then feedback should be given so that our mistakes are something we can use to study for the then graded exam. That just makes way more sense to me. I think I am doing fine though, but it’s annoying how hard I have to work. I would have to say that I am pretty proud of myself for how well I am doing for someone who hasn’t done Calc 1 since high school, and has never taken calc 2, calc 3, dicrete math, and linear algebra untli now. From what I know, most of the people in my program already have a background in this, and I am really part of the minority that hasn’t done any of this before. I am iffy with my python skills though because I googled a lot of that stuff. I have learned that coding is a very interesting thing that no one seems to really know how to do, and everyone resorts to asking others on the internet about it. I am also pretty sure that I signed myself up for a hard time next quarter because I am taking 2 classes which consist of Prob and Stats for Data Science and Python Software Dev. 

Reasons for incoming poor mental health: 

1. I am pretty harsh on myself so I get pretty upset when I don’t understand things right away. Prob and Stats was a class I struggled in during undergrad and Python is very new to me. Failure is happening. 

2. I have been getting distracted pretty easily, but I think that I have just thought of a solution. I am going to use Tracy’s room as my work room. 

3. I definitely won’t have time to play video games so I think the lack of friendship will take it’s toll. Ofc, I will still have my volleyball friends so it won’t be too bad. 

4. I get annoyed when things are taught the way they are currently being taught. I hope that it gets better. I don’t think it was that bad the first quarter. 

I think that is enough for this post because I need to get back to watching Khan academy videos since the async lectures from class are useless. 

-P

[yourkittywilde]

for your eyes only

TAGGING → @yourkittywilde & @sammynolanh

TIME FRAME →  17 January

LOCATION → Louis & Kitty’s apartment.

WARNINGS → NSFW (for a change) (tho its more just nsfw talk tbh).

NOTES → Sammy is sad, Kitty doesn’t totally understand why. 

KITTY

Kitty was so confused.  Talking about sex was usually  not a problem she had with guys, and the last one she expected to have with Sammy. It was like he had this weird sexual need that she was never going to be able to satisfy, so why bother trying? Sammy was a scruffy ball of sunshine, and though she was pulling herself together more and more each day the last few months had been him reminding her that she could open up to him... But when it was the other way around, apparently the same thing did not apply. She packed the last few things she needed for Cheer nationals into her bag and sent Sammy a text to let him know the door was open and she was in her room - Louis' apartment was way too big and half the time she never heard the door.

SAMMY

Sammy didn’t want to show up. He was sad and he didn’t like to be around people when he was feeling this way. He was sad because of how he made Kitty feel. He never meant to feel her the way he did. He was also feeling very insecure about his sexuality, not really something that happened often but he had been there before, been with a girl that he thought cared and as soon as he told about the stuff he enjoyed she’d bail... and he didn’t want to loose Kitty. Sammy showed up at the expensive loft and entered with the code she had given him, making his way to her bed room. You could see the sadness in his eyes and the insecurity in his posture. He was also nervous, his hands fidgeting with his sleeves and the strap of his bag. “Hey...” he spoke quietly

KITTY

Kitty jumped from her chain of thought when she heard the familiar voice behind her, "Hey bab-" she turned around, the small smile on her lips fading when she saw him. "Hey..." she greeted him,  her eyes not leaving him. He looked as though he was about to break bad news and Kitty's heart instantly sank. Okay... maybe he does want to be with a guy. She swallowed, "You're still coming, right? To Florida. Like I know you're uncomfortable talking to me about whatever is going on in your head, but..." Please don't leave

SAMMY

Sammy nodded “Of course.” He said as he made notice to his packed gym bag. He walked over to her with the same pout on his face and sat beside her, melting into her. His arms wrapping around her and his face hiding in her shoulder. “I’m sorry.” He whispered as he took deep breaths to try and calm himself down. “I- I never wanted to make you feel l-like I don’t trust you. I trust y-you.”

KITTY

"hey... it's okay," she whispered into her hair, resting her chin on his head and running her finger lightly over his back trying to comfort her boyfriend. Kitty wasn't sure what was happening. The only other time she'd seen him this upset was when he showed up at her door after breaking the whole fake girlfriend contract, and though at the time her own heart was breaking, there was something about Sammy being sad that the blonde found particularly hard to deal with. She sat in silence for a moment, pressing a kiss to the top of his forehead. "It's fine, babe... I've never won any prizes for being the most trustworthy person," she tried to joke. "You don't have to talk to me, it's fine. I'll love you regardless."

SAMMY

“But I want to.” He said as he looked up at her, his eyes red and full of tears that wouldn’t fall. He took in a shaky breath and leaned his forehead head back on her shoulder, pressing a kiss to her skin. “My experience in the past has just taught me to be very cautious about this, its cost me relationships.... I don’t want to lose you, ever. I- I can’t imagine being without you. And I can live without having a finger up my ass if it mean having you forever.”

KITTY

Kitty's eyes furrowed sadly and she wrapped her arm around his shoulders, trying her best to make sure he knew she was there.  Comforting other's wasn't her forte, but it was Sammy so she was sure as hell gonna try. "I think that's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me," she teased, nudging him gently. "Sammy, you have to know I'm  not going anywhere. Unless you suddenly tell me you're cheating on me, or cheated on me,  I'm not going anywhere." She swallowed, not wanting to upset him further but not able to deny that she really did have questions. "I want to know what's going on... " she said with a half shrug. "I want you to trust me. And you know, to believe the best in me... No really does."

SAMMY

Sammy let out a small smile against her skin and wipes the tears from his eyes as she teases him. He nuzzles into her skin. “I would never cheat on you.” He mumbled into her skin. “I told you, I’m just insecure about this because it’s backfired for me in the past.... it’s not that I don’t trust you in particular because I do, Kitty. This is just of of the things that fucks me up sometimes.”

KITTY

Kitty nodded, "Okay..." she replied quietly, still holding  onto her boyfriend. It was hard to see Sammy upset, it physically made her heart ache, but there was a tiny part of her that was comforted in the reminder he was human. She often looked at him and wondered how she could be enough for him, this reminded her that he too had insecurities. "You told me once that you weren't like the guys in my past, you should probably start believing I'm not like the girls in yours." She kissed his forehead softly and lightly wiped away the remaining tears from his eyes. "I have questions though, babe" she ran her fingers idly down his arm, "But I can also drop it if you want." Not that Kitty was particularly good at dropping things, but she would try.

SAMMY

Sammy sighed and looked up at Kitty. “I know you’re not. And you don’t have to prove yourself to me either. You’re special, Kitty.” He nodded and grabbed one of her hands, tracing circles into her palms. “No, you can ask me.” He told her quietly.

KITTY

Kitty chuckled a little, "I'm always gonna try prove myself to you, Sammy." And to herself, but neither of which were really important right now.  She looked down at their hands and smiled faintly, "Do you miss it?" She swallowed, "I'm not saying that you're gay, or a freak or whatever. And I know you'd never cheat on me. But do you miss, i don't know, being with a guy?" Kitty  had never been with a guy who liked guys as well. Her own experience with girls was limited to one week of college experimentation, Sammy's bisexual experiences were clearly more advanced.  And though she understood his reaction now, she'd spent all day thinking entirely too much about it. "Last time you were sleeping with me you were also sleeping with Travis, so I guess you were getting the best of both worlds... I don't want you to feel like you're missing out."

SAMMY

Sammy furrowed his brows and pulled away from the girl gently. “Do I miss it? I mean I’ve never really thought of it as missing it...” he realized “It’s a different sensation being with a guy.” He spoke slowly. “But Nothing we cant do to change that. I don’t feel like I’m really missing out, I’m pretty satisfied with what we do... I also stopped sleeping with Travis the week after I started seeing you. You were all I wanted. You’re still all I want.”

KITTY

Kitty was kind of relieved as he answered, though she wasn't sure that was an appropriate feeling to be having. So she just nodded slowly and rested a  hand on Sammy's thigh. "Do you think you can be satisfied with just me for like, a really long time?" She asked with a soft smile, not wanting to even entertain the idea this could be anything but long term. "I don't want to mimic a guy," for a journalist she wasn't actually very good with words. "I just mean, I have no problem doing anything you want..." It was surprisingly true. "But my hands are little, my skin is softer, and I smell better than a man," she said with a slight laugh. "So it's never gonna be the same, you know? But I want to try, you just can't judge me if I'm kinda terrible straight away."

SAMMY

Sammy let out a small laugh, not believing the words coming out of her mouth. “Kitty. I could never ever tire of you. Ever. I don’t even care if we’re not having sex. You fucking complete my soul and that’s enough for me to  be satisfied.” He responded. He realized how ridiculous he was being and how much his own actions were impacting her. “I don’t want you to mimic a guy. If I wanted to be with a guy, I’d be with a guy... I’m sorry I made you doubt any of my feelings for you, Kitty. I’m sorry I’m stupid.” He bit his lip and sighed.

KITTY

"You are the world's cheesiest man," she chuckled, kissing the side of his head. "But just so we're on the same page, I plan on having hot sex with you for a long time. I can't imagine not finding you hot as hell." Had Kitty realized this was gonna effect him in the way that it was probably would have broached the subject in a more tactful way. "Sammy..." she wrapped her arms back around him, pulling him closer. "Dont be sorry for having feelings. You're one of a very small amount of people I want to hear feelings from. Always. And you're totally not stupid, God you're not even close," she sighed, rubbing her hand down his side. "Besides, you think you're the only one here with kinks?"

SAMMY

Sammy shrugged “I just love you so much and I don’t want to hurt you. Ever.” He explained and leaned back into the girl, wrapping his arms back around her as well. He sniffled, suddenly curious about the girl’s kinks. “What are they?” He ask quietly

KITTY

Kitty shrugged. She wasn't naive enough to believe that Sammy wasn't ever going to hurt her, and she knew she was inevitably going to hurt him at some point. Hurt was inevitable... It just seemed worth it with this messy haired sweet man -- That probably didn't need to be said right now though. "I love you, dork," she reassured him, and looked at him with a faint smirk when he asked about her own kinks,  "Are you going to stop feeling bad - or sad, or guilty, or embarrassed, or...  whatever it is making you feel this way right now -  if I tell you? Because I'm not going anywhere, Sammy. Not because of this or any other sexual desire you could bring up."

SAMMY

Sammy kisses her cheek. He nodded softly and sighed softly. “Can we lay down? I have a headache.” He told her as he rubbed his eyes. His head was pulsing, and he felt a bit light headed. He pulled away from Kitty and moved back to lay his head on the pillows, reaching out for Kitty to join.

KITTY

"Okay," she nodded and shifted up the bed to lay next to Sammy. Honestly Kitty didnt really know what to say, she wasn't very good at the comforting part of relationships - not even in platonic ones- and since she didnt seem to be making the situation any better, silence seemed like the safer option. She chewed on her bottom lip softly and reached out to lace her fingers with her boyfriend's. "Do you want anything for your head?"

SAMMY

Sammy cuddled up next to Kitty and embraced her hand in his. “No, this should help.” He responded with a small smile. “So are you gonna tell me? Or leave me guessing?” He asked her with a small teasing grin. He was already feeling a little better now that they had cleared everything up. He knew he had nothing to worry about but it was still a bit scary to be so vulnerable.

KITTY

Kitty pressed a kiss to his shoulder through the fabric of his shirt, "if you need anything let me know, babe" She doesn't really have a medical kit per say, but she has a hangover kit which is basically the same when it comes to a headache. "I'm totes gonna leave you guessing," she teases,  propping herself up with her elbow to look at him."I'm just kidding," she lazily shrugs, smiling softly at him. "Where do you want me go start, hot shot?" Kitty jokes... kinda.

SAMMY

Sam nodded “Okay.” He spoke quietly. He honestly did feel a lot better just laying down. He bit his lip and and grinned. “Oh, really?” He asked “You can start wherever you want or feel comfortable.” He said, not wanting to feel like he was pressuring her.

KITTY

Kitty laughs and leans in to kiss his cheek, "If I didnt feel comfortable with you we'd not be together, goof." Talking about sex didnt make her uncomfortable anyhow. Sex was meant to be great. And explored. And shared. "Well. Hickey's totally make me crazy, for one. I like pressing on them the next day and remembering it all again...  I also like to be watched," she chuckles somewhat nervously  and looks down at their connected hands. "Like, not necessarily have someone in the room while we're doing it, and I dont want to be a porn star or anything, but knowing you can turn someone on without touching them or even being in the same room as them is kinda exciting. I dont know, i guess its the same sort of adrenaline I get from doing it in public?" She shrugs. "Dont worry, when I decided to date a celebrity I realised that sex tapes and people seeing us or catching us having sex were a no go," she laughed, and turned to look at Sammy. "I'm okay with that... but I totally never wear panties just in case," she smirked.

SAMMY

“Hickeys huh?” He grinned “I’m a professional at that.” He bit his lip as he continued to listen to the girl speak. He raised a brow, just listening to what she liked made him start feeling things below the waist. “God, that’s so hot.” He commented, everything she was saying was something that definitely interested Sammy. “We should totally make a sex tape.” He told her.

KITTY

"A professional?" She raises a brow at him, smirking. "I'm gonna need some sort of proof of your pro status at some point."  Kitty rolled her eyes playfully at him, "Don't be mean. You and I both know we can't make a sex tape." She pouts and tucks herself into Sammy's side, pulling his arm around her. "We can't act on my kinks, I know that rationally, it doesn't mean they're not there... Just know when we're out, I'm constantly wanting you to finger me under the table." she added with a small laugh.

SAMMY

Sammy raised a brow. “Have you not seen your chest?” He asked her. “Why not? It’ll be just for us, just like those photos you took” he told her, completely serious. “I wish I wasn’t in the spotlight sometimes. Things would be easier.” He sighed and gave a small shrug. He didn’t mean to damper the mood but it sucked always being so cautious.

KITTY

She smiles fondly at the memory, "I have seen my chest. It's kind of faded though,  so now I could be anybody's" she teases him. Kitty hums, her smile growing more and more as she thinks it through. He was right, she already had photos of Sammy which would never be seen by anyone else. "I'd make a sex tape with you in a heart beat," she commented, honestly kind of getting turned on just at the thought. "I don't know, celebrity sex tapes always find their way online. I mean, the world should be so lucky, but it might hurt your good boy vibe." She chewed at the inside of her cheek when he spoke again. Kitty was pretty sure at this point there was nothing she could do to cheer Sammy up today. "You don't know that," she sighs quietly, and pulls away from Sammy's side to sit up cross-legged on her bed. She reaches for the bottle on the side table and takes a long sip before shrugging,  "Things could be just as hard. And you'd be living a life you weren't happy with. So that's a dumb wish."

SAMMY

Sammy shook his head. “No, you’re mine. Always.” He murmured against her. He shrugged. “I already have leaked nudes and my career isn’t over yet.” He chuckled softly and bit his lip, not sure if Kitty even knew about his leak.  He sighed and looked up at the girl as she drank her drink. “Yeah, maybe. But I’d be able to enjoy myself without thinking of all the consequences. I’d be able to be a normal 23 year old.” He explained.

KITTY

Kitty's eyes widened, "You what?!" She looked down at her boyfriend. "You're joking, right? ... You don't have nudes on the internet?" She put her hands over her face, comprehending the information, and really sure whether to laugh or put a pillow to her head. "Please tell me there aren't random thirsty girls oogling my boyfriend's dick?" She shook her head, and breathes in deeply. "You dont want to be normal. Being normal is boring. Besides, you worked your ass off to get the spotlight."

SAMMY

Sammy bit his lip with a small chuckle “the worst part is that they’re videos...” he confessed and hid his face. “I’m just glad I have nothing to be ashamed of.” He looked back at the girl. “I love you.” He pouted “you’re right.”

KITTY

"When... who... what?" Kitty stumbled on her words trying to get out a coherent question. She threw a pillow at him, though not particularly hard, and  chewed at her bottom lip to stop herself from smiling. "You can't just drop in casual conversation that there are girls getting off to you everywhere. Here I was thinking i was special and all I have are photos." She pouts and puts the water bottle back to lay back down onto bed next to him. "I love you too though."

SAMMY

Sammy bit his lip and brought his hands up from the oncoming pillow, a small chuckle escaping his lips. It was like a year ago.... I was sending snaps to my girlfriend at the time and I guess they get saved to your memories or something and my snap got hacked and yup, I was on display...” he explained. He hovered over her as she laid back down, kissing the pout on her face. “You are special. You’re the only one to have taken nude pictures of me like that and I trust you with everything in me and also, I love you so you got everybody else beat.” He smiled at her.

KITTY

Kitty scrunches up her nose thinking about it. It was out of Sammy's control, so she wasn't mad. Didn't love the idea, but couldn't be mad.  "On the bright side..." she murmurs with a smug smile as her hand pushes his perfectly messy hair from his face "Everyone can be jealous of what I get to come to home to." They weren't living together but Sammy was the closest feeling she's had to a home for a long time, so it felt like the same thing.  "You trust me," she repeated, her smile widening, people didn't really say that to Kitty. She turns her face to kiss his arm softly and looks back at him with a slight smirk, "Well. In light of recent revelations - aka everyone has seen my hot boyfriend naked -  you totally owe me a sex tape."

SAMMY

Sammy grinned and kissed her again. “Mhm. I’m yours only.” He nuzzled into the side of her face and kissed at her skin. “I do trust you.” He repeated after her. “Just tell me when and where...” he gave it some thought. “The hotel in Florida would be hot, especially after you win, cause you’re gonna win.” He grinned

KITTY

"I think I'll keep you around," she smiled, thankful he no longer seemed quite so upset. "For a little while at least," she added teasingly. Kitty had to kind of double take at how quickly Sammy was on board with filming the two having sex,  in the past guys had gotten a little closed up to even the conversation - which was weird considering how easily they'd send an unsolicited dick pic. She turned her body into him and reached out to brush her fingers over the stubble on his cheek., "You are so hot," she chuckled softly and nodded, "So yes, Florida. If I win."

[andnowilovecats]

2022/07/12

i think you can tell. i’m scared. i’m rly scared. i feel like college is going to be another nightmare of mine. i feel like my mom is going to put me in where ever that has the highest ranking. i feel like i don’t get my college life after i lost my childhood. i don’t think things are ever going to be in the way i want them to be in.

also i should stop reading love stories. those shit makes me wanna confess to ppl.

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hi. it’s 6:33pm. i’m still at stanford. i’m wondering. if this is the life i am speaking. i am still wondering. to finish a day of whatever simulation and then sit at the bench waiting for the bus. at the same time listening to songs. the sunlight is rly beautiful. stanford is a rly beautiful campus. idk. it think at this moment i am happy. just for this moment. my life is miserable and i am probably going to be yelled at cause i will be too late home. but i like it rn. ig.

i kinda like how science work. cause doing that ya dun need to keep asking yourself stuff. ya dun need to keep feeling stuff. it’s all about code and math. it’s better. (however i still hate coding and fixing computer.) i like the feeling when ya dun need to keep thinking about stuff that’s with no answer. but it’s just, so … step by step. so calm, (except when ya needa fix code, god i hate that thing.) and then when you are done ya get to prize yourself with a sort walk in the sun and between the trees listening to songs you like. tbh is life is kinda … casual. and i like it.

also i have this weird theory of dating a poet so we can pass poems to each other. talking about same sunset in different places. and they can dump me with some well written poem. and i can be sad while reading a bunch of poetries. that’s kinda cool lol.

6:48pm. i like what’s happening now. the bus is going through trees in stanford. this place is beautiful. and spotify just change to the song i love the most. things are going so good. i love this place. if she is my (0,0,0) then this is the (perfect,perfect,perfect) of my life. when x does not limited to perfect. cause then it will never becomes perfect. x is equal to perfect.

6:52pm. a kid is yelling. if my moms here she’s gonna be so mad. but i think he’s cute. i mean what’s more for then a baby right lol.

6:54pm. i’m still on the bus. the tran is at eleven. will i catch the train? dk.

6:55pm. did i mention that i leave all the group chats with my “friends”. idk why am i doing so. i’m just kinda tired of their thing. i am not interest with those topics. i think i just need time for myself. how ever i think they are moving away without me. kinda sad. but i think i dun wanna be with them rn.

6:57pm. oh i’m at the train station. gotta go. brb!

7:00pm. hi i’m back. sry i needa walk through the underpass. i’m kinda scared. palo auto isn’t the place with best safety so. i dun think i should text while walking under.

7:03pm. so back to the isolation thing. yeah i mostly separated myself from society. dun think my friend gets that though. at least sylvia dun. it’s pretty sad. l dun k if 01 understands. i think she will. idk she just … is okay with everything. i think she’s kinda aled? spurt of knows everything but never talks. but then sometimes if ya ask ( or force) in the right way. ya might be suppose with how much she knows. unlike me. i knows a lot of gossips i just dun bother put the puzzles together. she don’t, she just, somehow knows everything. idk. is she just too smart? anyways. she seems to not care and support whatever choice ppl make. a good friend but if she keep on not asking. ppl like me might start questioning if she cares or not.

7:09pm. train is here hang on.

7:10pm. hi. aww it’s my fav song again!

7:11pm. i’m on the train. why doesn’t i get hot girls pour her coffee over me on the train. i deserve hot girls :( instead i’m drinking coffee myself. v sad. why isn’t there hot-not-straight girls come and sit beside me. (probably bc i’m sitting at a single seat? oh did i mention caltrain has two levels!) i deserve hot girls :( not reading books 01 recommended anymore. ITS UNTRUE!

7:12pm. i like how the trees pass away and move backwards. (god there sure is a lot trees here in california.)

7:13pm. just saw the world palo auto at the train station. i’m sad. suddenly think about the life that i’ll never have. (cause uk … stanford … )

7:16pm. i wonder how the life of an american high school student will be like. … nvm i won’t even survive high school.

7:17pm. god why did this world like out going ppl. i hate talking and socializing is that a bad thing. i sad.

7:19pm. i hate life i wanna die. yes this is true i did think about this much shit in like 20 min. life is hard isn’t it. now i just generally wanna die. what’s happening. :(

7:20pm. i … am pretty sure i shouldn’t say this. but [text deleted].

7:21pm. San Carlos. beautiful city. been here with my mom once. … i have this place.

7:22pm. wanna be an artist so i get less sad. or at least i get to visualize my feelings. (hey i’m doing this rn. cool.)

7:23pm. so many graffito on the walls beside rail road. those are kinda cool. beautiful night not be the word. but it’s good being their. my mom said it’s bad and make the city looks worse. … why am i thinking about this she’s miles away from me … :(

7:25pm. no hot girls spotted. come on i’m leaving in 5 minute. 01 is lying. FAKE STORIES.

7:26pm. yes i’m looking for hot girls on the train all the time. what? judge me? humph

7:27pm. the train is at station. bye.

8:21pm. i missed train. i hate it here.

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hi. probably i’ve been felt too good today. it seems my life got even more miserable then before, and days before. i am not feeling good. actually it’s all falling apart in my mind. i can’t put things, thoughts together. this is bad. ig. i am not feeling strongly. i just felt ... apart. does that even means anything? idk. the only thing i can tell is that i dun belong here. this is bad. here is bad. do not like this. very sad.

also read too much english. something is wrong with my chinese. i can’t get the word i want just by instinct. like how i can do before. like for me one even have at least three different ways to describe. but now i can’t even think about one. well, if i am not counting the words that are not literature, but just random word to write that might make sense but doesn’t work that good.

what am i talking about. idk. i think i am having anxiety attack rn.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

11:34pm. i’m in bed. listening to songs. this singer is super gentle. i’m gonna cry. i love him.

[percymakesgamesnow]

Visual art is hard but I'm harder

I spent the last few days working on my drawing skills. Currently my art is --as the french say-- "really bad", and someday I'd like for it to be passable-to-great. I really enjoy drawing, and while I get a lot out of it it's just not something I'm good enough at to be willing to put out into the world disclaimer-free. So, in the interest of someday being a control freak GameDev who designs every aspect of her game, I figure I should start working on these skills now rather than be an expert programmer and ready to ship my game suddenly realizing it looks like doodoo.

"But Percy," you ask, lip trembling feebly, "how do you plan on doing this? What steps are you taking to summit this next great artistic peak? How can you, a subpar drawm'n possibly garner this remaining skill to toil Wagner-like and create your masterpiece???" Your voice breaks slightly and I turn in my chair. As I stand, your gaze scrolls up as though searching apartment windows for your greatest fear. All of a sudden, I tower before you, and I squat down into a frog pose to meet your eye level. Creaking forward, I whisper in your ear: "Y o u T u b e t u t o r i a l s."

So far I've done Saultoon's Aseprite Beginner's Tutorial which was super helpful, and I made these lovely little donuts :)

The process involved using all the main tools in Aseprite, as well as changing colour palettes. I did my first batch in the default palette, the second one as Minecraft colours, and to challenge myself I did the third one with GameBoy colours. In the end, Saultoon requested that I shade the big donut? which meant I had to break out of the GB's four colours and also I have no idea how to shade so that made it tricky. I'm proud of the donuts though I think they're cute! Pixel art is great because my hand motor skills are poopy bad and that's not a barrier here. Oh, I also bought Aseprite. I made this decision bc after much research I concluded that it was the cheapest and had the cutest logo.

I do want to get better at art theory stuff though, which is why I also started working my way through Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, a book that I bought probably six years ago and cracked open twice. Holy shoot though it's such a good book. The writing is really engaging, if somewhat pretentious, and the content is succinct and inspiring. The first exercise was to draw a self portrait which I'm actually quite proud of. I showed it to two of the best visual artists I know and both said it looks "recognizably like me" which is huge tbh that's what I was going for. I'm not gonna post it here just because I don't feel like putting my recognizable mug on the internet today, but I probably will someday to show the improvement working through the book. Oh, also, the self portrait was apparently supposed to take half an hour, but I accidentally spent 3+ hours on it. This ate into my learning-code time, but it's all good bc I learned I really enjoyed trying to nail the details. The next exercises I'm definitely gonna set a timer for, because I think it's important to churn out lots of product when you're learning a new skill rather than being a perfectionist, but it wasn't wasted time and it made me really really excited for the day I'm good at this stuff. I genuinely think that once it's not such a chore I'll be drawing constantly. I love drawing bro oh my god lemme at em as soon as my hands do what my brain says to do and my brain can focus on understanding even the most basic principles of shading. Shading so hard y'all. I did an art class in high school and I've had art friends explain it to me like a thousand times and I just, , , , do not understand how to visualize light.

Anyways I'm off! I think today I'm gonna work on another project that requires me to draw and call that my art practice, and then either write a little music or do the next coding module. I haven't written music in ages and it fills me with such churning, freezer-burning anxiety and I'd really like to combat that considering it's the thing in my life that brings me the most fulfillment. This is sounding like another post rn though, so I'm gonna save my thoughts for when I write an update involving composition. I'm feeling good today, and I'm not gonna let my anxious little brain take up my precious time worrying about wasting my creative/productive potential when instead I could, idk, be creative and productive. Or do LITERALLY anything else. Get outta here you squirrely little guilt-soaked meat sponge, thanks for your concern but you're squandering my valuable minutes. I love you. Mwah <3