#teenage me would be horrified with myself

[ferngle]

look at these weirdos! what a buncha freaks

[archduke-enver-gortash]

posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for pretending I cheated on my partner when our common friend asked why we fought?

It will sound fake and fictional, but please bear with me because I'm getting crazy over it. And also sorry for any english mistake, we're not from an english speaking country.

To give some context: I am a man. There was this person, B(m), which whom I kind of grew up with. We went through the same schools from our 6 years old to 17 but we never were really friends. Then, around our 13, I got into a clique that fed into all my bad habits and I started to actively bully B because he seemed like an easy target at the time. I enjoyed it and was encouraged to do so (because I was such an asshole and I'm not even cringing thinking about it, it's worse. I regret it so much and I was a stupid and bad teenager). It was so bad that after years of enduring it, B changed school before we graduated and I went on with my life.

It' was's been about 15 years ago that I graduated.

In the meantime, I dealt with some problems that I had with my family and I went through intensive therapy which changed me for the better, and I came to terms with my sexuality as well.

Flashforward to 2019/2020, I meet with someone online through some games and it goes very well. Thanks to the Covid and the lockdowns, we play even more and get closer. At some point, I talk about an event happening close to my city, and he tells me that he knows about it as well and that we're living close to each other. Because we enjoyed our time online (ngl, we had started flirting although I didn't know how sincere it was) we decided to meet at that event.

And there, I find out that my online friend is B. It's extremely awkward but only for me because he cannot recognize me for three reasons: 1. I changed physically with my puberty finally finishing the job after my 18 birthday, and I found some love into dying my hair. 2. I changed in terms of personality thanks to the therapy I went through. 3. My legal name was changed when I said goodbye to this fucking family of mine and left without turning back (but I was getting sick just saying my last name).

I, obviously, didn't tell him anything about who I really was because I just wanted to enjoy that evening with a friend, and we didn't see each other since he left high school because of me. My plan was just to slowly distance myself from him after that evening but it failed because we had a lot of fun and we actually really hit off and I was dying constantly at the idea that he could find out.

We've been in a relationship sicne the beginning of 2021 and I was decided to just never tell him (horrifying idea I know, anyone with a braincell would have told me that it was bound to be found).

A month ago, I met with an old friend from high school (so yeah, he was in the bullying gang but more of a followers, so we stayed in friendly terms when we both agreed that it was bad) and as he recognized B, he decided to excuse himself and hoped that B would forgive him like he "forgave" me (I never got to tell that friend to shut up about that) so yeah, B found out that I was his main bully who had lied to him for almost 4 years now.

We had quite a big talk about it. How bad my bullying ended up for B; why I lied like that and never admitted it. And even if it went alright, B told me that he needed a break to think about things and it's going to be one month that I'm crashing at a common friend of us. At first, I just said that B and I got into a fight and it was good enough, but as it's been already a month, the friend asked more about it. Not wanting to bring up B's trauma to someone else (especially after our conversation), I just told the first lie that came to me and pretended that I cheated on B and he found out.

Now that common friend is calling me an asshole and keeps reminding me how much they are disappointed in me to have done something so horrifying to B. I keep wondering if I did well to lie like that, or if I should have found another way out.

[whoslaurapalmer]

twin peaks but it happens in 2010. laura palmer have iphone etc etc

this ask has been haunting me since i saw it last night oh my god okay okay so

i wanted to lead with laura being an influencer but no one was quite influencing in 2010 yet. but the point here being that i think she posts a lot online and cultivates her online image very carefully (very soft, carefree, excited teenager) and has a LOT of followers on everything and always gets a ton of likes. bc it's laura, she's so beautiful and special and popular, of course everyone is following her, of course everyone is liking all her posts to get a piece of her

she has a twitter (laurapalmer93) where she posts a lot of pictures with little captions like.......'morning donuts at the diner!!' with a picture of the donuts and a milkshake or a Coffee To Be An Adult, 'can you believe this guy? <3' with a picture of bobby making a face (or even.........dare i say it...........doing the dougie), a picture of donna and james with '<33333333' (modern emojis were just getting really big then but i myself was not a big emoji user in 2010 yet, so neither is laura), 'don't tell ;)' with a picture of her holding a cigarette (of course everyone still smokes in the high school bathrooms).

one time she gets away with posting the lyrics to if i die young by the band perry (IF I DIE YOUNG! BURY ME IN SATIN! LAY ME DOWN ON A BED OF ROSES!) (FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE DEAD HOW PEOPLE START LISTENING!) bc it's a popular song. it raises a few eyebrows but it's a song and it's laura. how seriously do you take teen angst, even among your friends? that's just what laura does. what's there to really worry about, huh? (the song was released in may 2010 but let's say the lead up to her death is in 2010)

on facebook she posts a lot of volunteer stuff. school dance photos, which she helps organize. buy some cookies to support the french club!! she's very involved with student council, and she organizes the group halloween costume. her facebook is filled with photos of her with other people, but not really any of just her. she doesn't post a lot of statuses, but they're usually about homework or tests or 'feels like summer!' towards the end of the school year. she's friends with her parents. she definitely takes ap classes.

she has a private vent twitter (lostinthewoods) with zero followers that she uses as a diary bc she thinks it'll be safer than having it physically written down. her childhood lisa frank diary with the tiny lock and glitter gel pens that she kept in her bed post went missing, after all. her vent twitter is filled with sooooooo many tweets bc this was still the 160 character limit days and she would just post and post and post especially late at night. (she definitely has string lights in her room.) she is a MASTER of using her phone with no one seeing -- she has the layout absolutely memorized. she was only caught texting in class once and of course the teacher let it go.

bob/leland finds her passwords and breaks into the vent twitter and leaves her horrifying tweets she sees later, instead of the back and forth they have in the diary and leland ripping the pages out.

i think she has a third twitter, for sex, but i'm not sure if that tracks for the time period? (snapchat wasn't a thing until fall 2011.) or like a forum sort of thing? i think it's still super easy for laura to sneak out, even in an increased security camera world. there's still a lot of stress on the, yknow, ~secret unexposed underbelly of the world especially in a time of more eyes on everything~ in the 2010s.

meanwhile, james posts music a lot on facebook, and also acoustic covers of songs. like. yknow. HEY SOUL SISTER. donna loves the original pusheen stickers. they record the picnic video on her flip video camera. mike loves icanhascheezburger, and he jailbreaks his phone. audrey gets really into audrey hepburn quote posting, Aesthetic France, black and white photos, berets, has a photography phase and carries and actual camera bc it's Vintage. she's an early tumblr user. no one else in school has a tumblr yet, so she feels very cool but also very lonely about it.

harry has very little understanding of social media, however cooper is very into all social media, he finds it delightful. he enjoys a good cat video. he looks through all of laura's photos, her tweets, facebook videos, and i think there's, honestly even more of a feeling of tragedy bc of how much more physical evidence there is available of laura's life, lingering fingerprints, last tweets, last posts, passwords to put in and information to see, cold blue computer light, the even worse voyeurism in people expecting so much of your life to be online, in watching it play out online, in the image laura created for herself online to be the person people expected

donna rereads laura's twitter in the dead of night, just over and over again. goes back through their texts. so much of grief has become so much more public with social media and using it as a teenager, and there's this back and forth in donna of not posting anything and then posting the most miserable statuses about losing her best friend.

i know i should get deeper into the investigation but i keep thinking instead of how laura definitely gets a 20/20 special. it's probably definitely called 'the secret life of the american teenager.' (bc there was that show on at the time with the same name) elizabeth vargas visits twin peaks, is appropriately grim, there's a lot of b roll of the town and the woods but without the grace of twin peaks' cinematography. they play up the creation of a narrative big, as they always do on 20/20. the revelation of her 'double life' is at the halfway mark and simultaneously not discussed enough and overestimated. 'laura palmer was your average, everyday teenager -- she liked horses. cats. she got good grades, was homecoming queen, had a boyfriend on the football team. she volunteered on weekends. she had her whole life ahead of her. or was there more to the story than anyone knew? was there a dark side to the all-american girl?' oh, it's agonizing. the trailers play up a lot of potential spooky woods stuff that isn't followed through on in the actual episode.

now 20/20 prides itself on getting the story right, so i feel like it's.........i feel like they have to say it's leland at the end (and they definitely never get into anything about bob). but i also think, for some reason, it could easily have a 'we never found the killer' ending. especially re: s3........the thing is, i feel like laura's death particularly is the kind of thing that shows up on 20/20, but the rest of the circumstances would've ended up on like the unsolved mysteries website (the last revival ended in 2010, before the netflix reboot in 2019) (especially with WELL OUR FBI AGENT WENT MISSING). and there's so much online to put together in a website about it, there's so much for people online to dig into who have never even been to twin peaks, to think they know a town and the people in it and the girl who died even if it's just literally THE MOST DISGUSTING VOYEURISM IN THE WHOLE WORLD i just think there's such a. horror in that. people have the most, just, enraging takes when they get involved in a Murder That Happened Somewhere Else. people thinking they alone can figure out a mystery they've never seen, they can of course see something no one else has. and it's different than the people in the town ignoring it -- i think a lot of the secrets in twin peaks stay the same, no matter the time period, so of course it's still, a terrible dying town killing the people in it, maybe even quieter than it is in the original, some new infrastructure but old buildings, not all of them occupied anymore, ANYWAY -- like of course yes people in the town ignore the same amount they did in the original, all small towns bury things. but just bc the town itself isn't paying attention doesn't mean that some rando online is going to know more, no matter how much they think they will. there's like an entitlement to details of a murder, an I Must Be The Hero, The Savior, bc i'm on a fucking reddit thread about it

now i have zero (0) idea of how medical science and forensics work, but i have to assume there have been some advancements in the field between 1989/1990 and 2010/2011. the town still rushes the funeral, but would albert have been able to find anything else sooner? what is it he would have found to point to leland sooner? oh........dna testing, maybe? would he be able to find out about leland right away? there's more of a sense of urgency, maybe less of a slowness between events, even more of a shattering horror. maybe leland goes missing in an attempt to cover things up. hmmmmmm.

final note -- cooper gets called mulder as a nickname bc the x files happened as a show in this universe.

[xzaddyzanakinx]

Part two thoughts on an ani x bpd reader? Like, when things get that bad, does either of them wake the fuck up and realize things need to change? Remorse or guilt? The reader leaving? Ani leaving or falling into a self loathing hole, doing bad stuff again and again whether to himself or reader) and not taking care of himself?

It’s interesting to read some of your takes on BPD relationships, because I obviously have no idea what that’s like, but you do. You can make it seem very addicting, but also very terrifying and unhealthy, depending on which way the pendulum swings (I hope you take that as a compliment. Tone is hard through text. Lol. 😅).

I personally do not believe abuse is justified in any situation, whether you have a disorder or not. There’s lots of ways to deal with feelings without taking it out on someone else. On the other hand, I know some BPD’s have described feeling horrified with themselves after an episode like that, and so I’ve never really known just how much ‘control’ someone has in that moment. Either way, I still believe it’s the person’s responsibility to find a way to deal with it. Nobody deserves to be miserable around them just because they can’t handle something.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a rant. Apologies. Lol. My main request was for a part two of Ani x BPD reader! ❤️🫶✨

Not offended at all bby.

I think after I’m done with stalker!ani I’ll write a fic on this. Just cause so many people have asked about it.

100% BPD X BPD would be a terrible pairing. Coming from me as a bpd gal.

Now, personally, I’ve never physically abused anyone during an episode. But I HAVE done lots of property damage and I also broke my hand when I used a concrete wall as a punching bag. I split a wooden bat at the tip from whacking a fence once.

When it gets that bad, I don’t really remember what I said or did. I just feel really jittery, almost like an extreme caffeine high you know? (Imagine old cartoon character drinking coffee and their whole body vibrates, eyeballs and all)

But if it doesn’t get to that point, which it rarely does now that I’m medicated correctly and have a good support system, I IMMEDIATELY feel regret. Like horrible sorrow. Bpd means big feelings and when I feel regret, which isn’t often, it feels like I’m grieving a death that I’m to blame for.

For the smaller, more snappy or short outbursts:

My mouth works faster than the logical part of my brain that tells me not to say something mean.

Sometimes I catch myself in the middle of saying something awful and then I just have to finish it because the damage is done and I may as well spit it out. Then I’ll lock myself in the bathroom for an hour until I’ve hyped myself up enough to apologize, then I’ll go back to the bathroom until the big feelings from my apology die down. I’ll be quiet, basically selectively mute for the rest of the day and be super irritable.

It’s exhausting. But it’s even more exhausting to have to continually remind myself not to spew the first thing that pops into my head or not to chuck the bag of shredded cheese at the wall because I can’t get the ziploc to open.

It’s so stupid that something so small as getting my hairbrush stuck on a knot in my hair could set me off into a teeth gritting, foot stomp and shriek. Like wtf? That’s embarrassing. But it happens before I can even think about what I’m doing.

The best way I can describe it is: I’m a bratty toddler when it comes to emotional regulation.

But you’re so right tho, your illness doesn’t give you an excuse to be an ass. It just proves the person doesn’t want to put in the work to get better if they use it as a justifying reason.

BPD might cause my reactions, but I’m in charge of my actual actions. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to recognize that though. I’m an adult now, I’m medicated, I’ve spent my fair share of days in the loony bin. Looking back at my teenage self? It’s horrific and sad. For me and everyone around me back then.

[nedjsmlfavs]

So Derision Broke Me…

Derision (Miraculous S5E14) made some choices that fundamentally broke Marinette’s character for me to the point where I’m having trouble motivating myself to keep writing for this fandom. I figured I’d write down my thoughts and see if that helped me get into a headspace where I can ignore this episode like I do any other writing choices I’m not fond of. If anyone has some words of wisdom, I'd love to hear them.

In Derision, we learn that Marinette has some serious trauma surrounding love. When she was 13, she confessed her love to Kim and was rewarded with a box full of spiders. This “prank” understandably left her traumatized and shaken to her core. In response to that trauma, she vowed to never confess her love to another boy. Not unless she knew everything about him.

This “prank” and several others are revealed to be the fault of Chloé. As for why she’s doing this, well, we’re never given a reason why Marinette is the target. However, we are told the motivation for Chloé’s actions. Rose blames them on the fact that Chloé was abandoned by her mother. Mylène responds to this observation by pointing out that she was also abandoned by her mother, but that didn’t turn her into a bully! Which is a fair point. People react differently to trauma and trauma doesn’t justify bad behavior or undo the effects of those bad behaviors. At the most, trauma explains why the behavior is happening. A lesson that Miraculous has given us before.

In the character Félix’s titular episode, Félix shows up and starts treating Adrien poorly. This leads to this exchange between Adrien and Plagg:

Plagg: What's up with that cousin of yours? First, he searches through your things, and then, the most unforgivable thing of all, he squashes my hunk of goat's cheese under your pillow! I'd been maturing that baby for two weeks! Do you realize? Two whole weeks! Adrien: Listen, Plagg. Félix lost his dad not so long ago, he's probably not himself. Plagg: I'm sorry, but there's just no excuse! You never touch my cheese, and yet, you just lost your mother not so long ago, right?

And, once again, this is a fair observation! The fact that Félix’s father died does not justify Felix trying to ruin Adrien’s life. All it does is explain his motivation. 

Trauma does not excuse hurting others. When trauma has negative effects on us, it’s up to us to work through those feelings either on our own or, ideally, with the help of loved ones and therapists. We are never justified in lashing out at innocents who had nothing to do with our trauma.

This brings us to the topic of Marinette. 

The fact that Marinette has trauma around romance does not justify her treatment of Adrien. Breaking into his home, trying to sabotage his relationship with Kagami, and all of her other obsessive behaviors are not okay just because she was traumatized by Kim. If Chloe and Felix are not excused by their trauma, then neither is she.

So why am I only bothered by this now?

Because, before this episode, Marinette’s behavior was very clearly a joke. It was, in my opinion, a bad joke, but it was a joke and, when it comes to writing, jokes have to be looked at differently than things that are played straight.

Miraculous relies heavily on absurdist humor. That’s why you’ve got an episode where Adrien and his teenage friends throw an unchaperoned party attended by a bunch of random adults. A thing that would be horrifying and upsetting in reality, but is fine in the show because it’s clearly played as being ridiculous and over the top. I mean, just look at this scene. Anyone taking this seriously has clearly lost the plot.

Marinette’s obsession fell under the same category. Something that would be very wrong in reality, but was obviously being played up for laughs. I was always under the impression that, without the absurdist humor, she’d be significantly toned down and that’s why I just sort of tolerated it in the show. Not my idea of a good joke, but clearly a joke so meh. I can overlook it while watching the show and, when writing her, I can be true to her character while not including this level of obsession because I don’t write crack fic.

Derision changed that. It took 4.5 seasons of questionable jokes and tried to justify them. And that? That is a terrible idea. Because there is no justification for Marinette’s behavior just like there is no justification for Chloe’s behavior in the exact same episode. What they’re doing is wrong and, at best, their trauma explains their behavior. It does not justify it.

Plus, hey, remember how Derision said Kim was a terrible person for laughing at Marinette’s trauma? Isn’t that the exact same thing that we’ve all unknowingly been doing for 4.5 seasons? Kinda makes it hard to rewatch old episodes where her crush was played for laughs, doesn’t it? I hope you’ve never laughed over Marinette’s behavior because, if you have, you’ve been making fun of her trauma and so have the writers.

And that sums up why this episode really bothers me. I either have to ignore a character’s trauma or I have to accept that her trauma has apparently made her unhinged and address it. Because if her behavior is not a bad joke, then the salters are right and Marinette is a total creep. I’m trying my hardest to choose option one, but I’m struggling.

It’s not that Marinette is the only character with questionable behavior. Adrien as Chat Noir is often written as overly persistent and obnoxious when it comes to his crush. It’s not great behavior, but it’s not a consistent characterization nor is it a major flaw. I can fix it with a quick character arc about boundaries or ignore it and (in my head) say that arc happened off screen because I have no doubt that this sort of common teenage issue could be overcome with relative ease. Because when Chat Noir is put in a situation where he could clearly violate Ladybug’s boundaries? He doesn’t. He is, ultimately, respectful. He just needs to be told that respect is more than listening to the explicit “no”.

Deep-seated trauma that leads to stalking? That’s not a minor flaw. It’s a major issue that reveals the need for psychological intervention. I’m not gonna give that to a teenager and fix it with the power of friendship and communication. Nor will I give the stalker her prize. I’m gonna keep him safe because, if Marinette has this level of romance-based trauma, then she is not mentally well enough to be a relationship with someone.

You see, I’ve had people with obsessive crushes who violated my boundaries. A loved one of mine had to get the police involved because of someone’s crush on them. Stalking and obsessive behavior is not a joke. It’s traumatizing, but even though I have that trauma, Miraculous never bothered me because of how the stalking was played as a joke.

Joke's over, though. As of Derision, we are supposed to take Marinette's behavior at face value.

So, yeah. I don’t know where I go from here. It’s been a week and I just have no desire to ever touch Marinette again. If anyone has some words of advice, I’d love to hear them. And I’m sorry, but it may be a while before anything of mine updates.

[putnamcapital]

this is how it is

So I’m definitely not being able to turn on my analytic brain about YR season 3. I really feel for the folks on here who are disappointed or angry about how the show it ended. It must really suck to feel invested and then to feel crestfallen. I have been interested and excited to read people’s analyses and reactions. But I just thought I’d share why, I think, it’s not the ‘mode’ I’m in, in case this resonates with anyone.

I realized even before season 3 was released that it wasn’t ‘just a fictional universe’ – it was a universe I was wholly committed to, because I saw myself in it. I see myself in the characters and their strengths and weakness but also in the story’s inflection points and its overall narrative journey. I had a tremendous amount riding on ‘what happens to these people I love’ because it had become a container for holding ‘what happens to me who I love, after all, despite everything’. To give you a sense of the level of blurring between fact and fiction, I realized I had my eyes closed during the “was it like your dream” scene in the palace because it felt so real and hence private and so I definitely shouldn’t be watching – whereas as them kissing in front of everyone at school, “in public” I was absolutely fine with. And my brain fully melted when they ended up sitting in the same position I had put them in during the actual walls-breaking-down-at-last conversation in my aged-up ten-years from now pre-season 3 story.

Anyway, this is background to explain that people’s meta about “I didn’t like how it turned out” or “it wasn’t realistic” or “it was corny” just ---feels--- to me like the same level of incoherence as ‘fish riding a bicycle’. Because of course I might not like how life turns out, or I might wish it was otherwise, or I might wish I had said something different, or he had not said that all (looking at you, ‘tent scene’) but that is just absolutely not how life is. In fact life can be the pure crystallization of something you do not want, something so horrifying you cannot even imagine it in order to imagine not wanting it. I found episode 5 unbearably difficult, I was triggered in basically every way possible. It was really only then that I was willing to acknowledge there was a moving hand behind all this – a god torturing the mortals. That it was Lisa doing this to ‘them’ and also to ‘us’. It felt like, if I had seen Lisa on the street, I would have screamed at her, and it was would have been as effective as shaking my fists at the sky, the same skies which rain death on the people of Gaza.

I am still not sure whether I feel okay about the decision to drop people off the cliff of episode 5, and then leave them there for a week. But it was masterful, if what you’re interested in is the felt experience of trauma – the way that time seems to stop and then dry to a sludge – while the world goes on but it seems impossible that it *is* going on given how much has been broken.

Anyway sorry if this is a bit much for your lunch break / coffee break but I know I’m not the only one on here who has spent more than a year living in and through the hopes and fears of a handful of Swedish teenagers. So I wanted to share how and why I came to experience season 3 simply as “This is how it is. This is what happened.”

[lunaticcat009]

In a swirl of flashing lights

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson

Status: Completed

Main Tags:

Friends to lovers, childhood friends to lovers, teenage larry, lovers in denial, idiots in love, carnival,they sneak in a closed carnival at night, like seriously imagine them running in an abandoned carnival with their fingers intertwined,  might serve as a prologue to a potential 50k fanfic, i’m getting a little ahead of myself, cheeky harry, cheeky louis, a lot of polaroids will be hung, a bay window, it plays a very pivotal role in their friendships, totally didn’t take this concept of bay window from girl meets world…why would you say that, no beta we just die

Summary:

"You being in love with me is not a 'you' problem!" he grew more and more frustrated as he sprinted forward. In a trice, the comforting quietude of their vicinity had switched to something which seemed as haunting as the silence of a grave.

"You always had the heart of mine," he heard a hushed murmur so quiet Louis might as well be just speaking to himself.

Foreslketown's carnival had been a fest of elation to them as kids. By the time they reached pre-teens, it was an unspoken tradition- attending the last evening of the carnival for the year and watching the lights flicker throughout the night. Until, what used to be a matter of ecstasy abruptly turns into a state of disconsolateness when Louis misses an evening one year, only to find out that- that very evening was supposed to be the last one with Harry, before he moves to Blathe. Being the bearer of this horrifying news, Harry also takes it upon himself to make sure that they don't miss seeing the swirl of flashing lights for the last time.

-𝘖𝘙-

Harry taps on Louis' window with a sad smile. They sneak into a closed carnival. A starry night comprised of them running around the abandoned premises with their fingers intertwined ensues.

written for @1dsongfest

song prompt- Carnival Hearts by Kayla Diamond

read here

[yeehawbvby]

In Too Deep (Arven x GN!Reader) | Ch. 2*

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Summary: “I grin kindly, and although he can’t see my mouth, he can probably see it in my eyes. He smiles back. 

‘You’re doing perfect. And if you want to stop at any point, we can, okay?’

Arven nods, and I crouch down to his level, kissing him softly. I’m about to get back up, but he holds me low to the ground with him. Pushing me back against the wall with the force of his kiss, he greedily mumbles into my mouth, 

‘As if I’d ever want to stop.’”

Author’s Note: My headcanon age for Arven is that he’s a young adult, somewhere between 20-24 years old. If this proves to be wrong in the future, please consider him to be aged up to this range!

Likewise, for the sake of the continuity (i.e. Little Buddy and whatnot), you have a similarly tiny stature to the main character in Pokémon SV. For the sake of all of us, your character here is not a teenager lol, but instead roughly the same age as Arven, give or take a few years.

Thank you for understanding!! ^^ Enjoy, sorry about the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter, and take care x

Check it out on ao3!

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Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!

I look to my left and see Arven standing there, staring down at me, wide eyed and red cheeked. Not exactly knowing what to feel yet other than fear, I let out a surprised yelp, my own eyes bulging out of my skull. Realizing my hand is still against myself, I look down at it and let out another panicked yelp while removing it from my pants. I stand up and wipe my shameful hand onto the side of my shorts before putting my palms against the front of my face and pacing. 

This isn’t happening. This isn’t real. This can’t be happening there’s no way I just fucked up that badly.

Approaching the wall again, I cross my arms in front of my face and rest my forehead on my forearms, looking down at the ground below me. My heart is racing as I hear footsteps coming closer.

“I am so fucking sorry you had to see that,” I mumble. 

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” he chuckles. “I came out to check on you and heard you, uh… yeah. Thought you were in danger, at first.”

Heard me?! I thought I was doing so well! “Oh my god.”

“Hey.” Arven plants his hand on my shoulder, and I turn my head to the side to face him. I only meet his visible iris for a second before my own two veer away, unable to handle the confrontation. “Hey,” he repeats, this time more firmly. I finally meet his face, and he’s… smiling? His brow furrows as he asks me, grinning very deviously, “What were you thinking about?”

…What?

“W-why would I tell you that?!” 

“Just seeing if you’d say it,” he shrugs. 

Seeing if I’d say… it…

Why does it sound like he knows?

“What do you mean?” I whisper, horrified.

Gnawing his lower lip while his eye roams my face, Arven takes a deep breath in, seeming to hype himself up for Arceus knows what. He’s got the same look in his eye that he typically only has when he’s about to do something risky or brave or stupid. A look I’ve only seen him use in battle, or during his various culinary experiments.

The hand on my shoulder tightens, and he swivels my much smaller body with ease so that my back is against the wall.

I must look like a Magikarp with the way I silently gasp, words eluding me, and lungs threatening to choke on nothing but air. If I didn’t resemble a tamato berry before, I sure as hell do once Arven’s right palm comes up to the wall, resting just barely above the left side of my scalp.

“What I mean, my freaky little buddy,” he teases, finally answering my inquiry, “is that it sounded like imaginary-me was giving you a pretty good time.”

“Imagin–?” Oh no. “Did I… like… s-say anything?” I question, my voice barely audible.

“My name.”

“Your…” A breath shudders out of me while I look down, avoiding his face. “Oh god.”

“Said that too,” he murmurs, a smile evident in his voice.

I bury my face in my hands again and groan. Arven, apparently taking none of that, removes his palm from my shoulder and uses it to grip my wrists, pinning them above me.

Just like I had imagined at several points throughout the day.

Holy shit.

I track his movements, eyes wide, while muttering some incoherent, flustered nonsense.

“What was that?” he laughs, his nose crinkling a little.

“Nothing! Uh…” I meet his eye. “So, what’s, uh, what’s up?” 

“Small talk? Really?” 

I sigh. “Look, bud, I dunno what I’m supposed to say in a situation like this,” I whisper dejectedly.

Arven chuckles. “You don’t need to say anything.” His pupils are blown wide as he hovers over me, scanning my face. He begins lowering his head towards the left of mine, and continues, “Don’t you understand how amazing this is?” 

“What d’you mean?” I shudder, feeling his breath against my skin. I tilt my head slightly to make room for him, as if on instinct.

“Since I met you, I’ve known you were special to me,” he mutters beside my ear. I hear his forehead rest lightly onto the wall, while his hand slides down it, before wrapping around to the small of my back. “But you’ve spent so much time with Princess Nemona, and those Team Star punks, and practically everyone else in Paldea, right? And that’s not to say I don’t admire your ambition, because of course I do… but you had me thinking I was only a fraction of what was on that steel trap mind o’yours.” 

My heart feels like it’s going to burst as I lean into Arven’s touch to the best of my ability. My hands are still pinned in his fist, but I connect my torso with his as much as I’m able. Seeming to notice it, Arven balls up the fabric on the back of my shirt and inches his body closer.

“But it turns out,” his voice lowers into somewhat of a growl as he turns his head towards my ear, “You’ve been all mine this entire time, haven’t you?”

Too intoxicated off his honeyed words to form my own, I slowly nod.

I feel his lips form into a smile, and he giggles a little. My brows furrow. He… he isn’t making fun of me, is he?

As if Arven read my mind, he quells my worries. “I haven’t even had the chance to try and kiss you yet, let alone ask you out. And here I am, praying to Arceus that you’ll let me fuck you right now.” 

I take a sharp breath in, turning my face a little to see Arven’s. Is he for real?

…Wait, isn’t he a virgin? How does he know how to be this hot?

Remembering that his dorm is full of manga, and realizing there’s almost definitely some hentai mixed in there — plus, he’s more than likely watched porn — I decide that it checks out, and swiftly move on.

Arven’s visible eye meets mine. My face feels hot, and his looks like it does too. His lips are narrowly parted, and god, I really want to kiss them.

…And he just said he wants that too.

Oh my god this is actually, like, happening, isn’t it?

I manage to squeeze out a few shy words in spite of my ragged breathing. “Kiss me first?”

Exhaling an airy laugh, he nods, before releasing my wrists and body from his grasp.

“‘Course,” he utters softly.

Arven brings his hands to my face, cups my cheeks in them, and leans down towards my mouth while I crane my neck up to meet him. Unsure of where to put my hands, they land on Arven’s wrists just as we lock lips. His are chapped, which somehow makes sense. His smooches are a little messy, but assuming he’s never done this before, I predict all of this will be messy. 

Leaving my left hand around Arven’s wrist, I bring my right one up to his squared jawline, cupping my palm around it. I do my best to ease him into a better rhythm — silently showing him the ropes — and he proves to be a perfect student.

Taking my bottom lip between his teeth, Arven pulls a gasp from me, and uses the opening to let his tongue explore my mouth. Smooth. I let out an unexpected moan at the feeling, and he grins against me. 

Both my hands tangle into his mane as he deepens our kisses. He’s becoming far more bold with his movements, thanks to my accidental noises of encouragement. Soon enough, Arven repositions his right hand back onto the wall and trails sweet pecks — some more open-mouthed than others — to the corner of my mouth, down towards my jaw, and onto my neck. He begins close to the center of my throat, and works his way into the crook, somehow knowing exactly where his contact will make me tingle. 

Noticing how I shudder and tighten my grip in his hair when he reaches one spot in particular, Arven licks a small strip of skin. Then, he lightly bites down on it, eliciting an embarrassing whine from my throat. 

Smiling against my skin, he lilts, “Feel good?”

“Mmmhm,” I hum, blissfully unaware of his palm leaving my face and tentatively making its way down to my chest. A featherlight touch to my nipple sends a shock through me, and I peer down, delighted by the sight of his huge hand pressed over such an intimate spot.

“Is this okay?” Arven asks, raising himself back to lean his forehead against mine.

I hum my affirmation to him again. Nodding only slightly, so as to not jostle his head while doubling down. 

My eyes shut while he brings his palm lower to the hem of my shirt. He hikes it up slightly, placing his calloused pads on my side. Moving his touch upward, carefully making his way back to where he had just been. 

When I open my lids, my vision flutters up towards pinkened cheeks while Arven feels me up without any fabric in the way. I can’t help but catch his curled lips between mine again as he pinches and twirls me beneath his fingertips. Must’ve caught him by surprise – he moans for the first time tonight, and it sounds more beautiful than I’d ever imagined. 

My mouth parts into a toothy grin, and before I can poke fun at him (unjustifiably, given earlier circumstances), he tugs my shirt all the way to my neck, leans down, and begins to lick and suck my around my chest. I whine as he suctions the skin between his teeth, leaving a harsh bruise. 

After kissing it better, he kneels. Peppering more kisses down my tummy and onto my hip, without breaking eye contact. One of my hands leaves his hair, and I timidly hide the lower half of my face under the collar of my shirt. The other stays against Arven’s head, offering soothing pets in return for how good he’s making me feel without having really done anything yet. He only lowers his turquoise iris to focus on untying the string from my shorts, and I take the opportunity to bask in a rare sight: his entire face. As I lift his bangs, he glimpses up and playfully glares at me.

“You’re so handsome,” I murmur. I worry it’s muffled by my shirt – that he won’t be able to hear me through the rolls of fabric – but a wide smile tells me otherwise.

One of Arven’s hands stays on my side, engulfing the damn thing. The other makes its way around to my ass, giving the right cheek a light knead — like I’m his dough, or something — taking up the entirety of that with his palm, too. I feel oddly satisfied, maybe even turned on, by how much bigger he is than me. 

He looks proud of my upturned brows and heady breaths while he continues to kiss lightly along my waistband. Stopping for a sec, he tilts his forehead to rest on my hip, and sighs. 

“I’ve… never done this.”

“Yeah, it’s come up once or twice.” I grin kindly, and although he can’t see my mouth, he can probably see it in my eyes. He smiles back. “You’re doing perfect. And if you want to stop at any point, we can, okay?” 

Arven nods, and I crouch down to his level, kissing him softly. I’m about to get back up, but he holds me low to the ground with him. Pushing me back against the wall with the force of his kiss, he greedily mumbles into my mouth, “As if I’d ever want to stop.”

[hella1975]

im being sentimental again but i think one of the most beautiful things to live for are those moments that explicitely and suddenly show you that you have healed and grown from something. like the day i first cried in front of a friend without feeling entirely nauseas about it and i had the really sudden and random thought that my twelve year old self would be horrified and digusted by my current self. and i had no idea when that happened, at what point i stopped being twelve and scared and started instead just letting myself feel things. it's proof i finally learnt to let people in even if i have no recollection of opening the door. and as a child reading books, i thought romantic love was the best thing that could ever happen to a person, and as a teenager with failing friendships, that dream of being saved by The Love of My Life kept me afloat. but last night i went on a date and yeah it went well, but also when i came home my two flatmates were waiting giggling in my bed like children and we all squeezed in so they could find out every silly detail, and i thought that love was just as beautiful as anything id conjured in my head. like just having those moments in life where you realise you are so different to how you once were, in ways that would both enthrall and horrify your younger self. having proof that you have grown. you have healed. you are making a life that's beautiful

[stevie-petey]

The anon that sent in the time traveling thing made me think of something. What if in the future Jonathan and Nancy's kid becomes best friends with Steve and readers kid? Like I feel like they'd live in different states but come back to Hawkins to see family at the same time and their kids just click like how reader and Jonathan did all those years ago.I also feel like those kids would be repulsed that their parents dated. I feel like Jonathan is the kind of guy to have a carbon copy kid. Like exactly like him, shy and nerdy. I feel like Steve and bug would have a perfect mix tbh.

I've also thought about the future children getting sent back to the past and just being horrified. Like imagine seeing your "uncle Jonathan" kiss your mom. Or see your teenage dad sneak into your mom's room through her window. Or watch your dad helplessly pine over your mom, and watch your mom get her heart broken by her best friend. They'd be disgusted, truly traumatized. Idk I'm just constantly daydreaming about your story and these are the kinds of scenarios that pop into my little brain.

PLEASE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

their kids would 1000% be besties even though they def live in different states once theyre older. unsure where, but id definitely move outta hawkins tbh.

jancys kids would be astounded that their parents were at some point attracted to/in love with bug and steve because like. theyre so emotional and dramatic. meanwhile jancy hasnt had one emotional outburst their entire childhood and theyre FLOORED.

theyd also be shocked because jancys kids are more lowkey, calm and shy kids but very confident and intelligent. maybe two kids, possibly just the one. meanwhile bug and steves kids ,,, dear god. theyd have a LOT of kids and all the kids would be pure lovely chaos. theyd tease their parents and gag and think its all so gross and weird and the adults are just like ,,,, it was a different time, then

bonus:

one of bugs kids: mom why were you so in love with uncle jon ? no offense, but hes kinda weird

bug: yeah, i look back and wonder that myself

jonathan: im right here you know

steve: your mom needed some sense knocked into her

nancy: i agree

jonathan: now what the fuck

also i love ur lil brain and the fact that u think about my story sm i will kiss u

[vktrsnclr]

MISCHIEF'S CURSE (R13)

plot: the greatest betrayal Loki will ever do to you.

pairing: loki x f/m reader

word count: 600+

"I just... Don't see myself getting committed to someone." Loki's brow is crumpled in confusion as he walks off.

Your feel an ache down your throat as you try to hold your tears. You try to chase Loki on the hills, just minutes after confessing.

You've been friends with him since the dawn of times, you've given him comfort at times when he's vulnerable, you stood by him at moments when he's filled with joy, his comrade when battling, his defender when he's in the wrong. You're surely more than friends but definitely less than lovers.

A sudden change in your relationship started when you were teenagers. Or atleast for you. You started noticing his features, his lashes that almost raises up to his brow when he's looking up, the sweat that drops out of his neck when you're training, you even memorized his body language and the way he acts when he's excited, upset, sad or angry. He gave you mixed signals, light touches and platonic kisses.

That night after the battle in Vanaheim, you told yourself that you'll finally confessing your feelings, which you did.

Loki wanted you to have someone better. He still thinks of him as a monster, a vile and cruel Prince that everyone hates even though you always remind him that he's not.

"You won't be happy with me. We both know that and I'm quite sure that if you see me for who I am, you'd be terrified and and you'd leave eventually!"

"The only time I felt genuinely happy was when I'm with you! I wanna see you for who you think you are, Loki! I fucking dare you!" You exclaimed and a tear rolled on your cheek. An uncomfortable moment of silence echoed through the vast snowy hill.

"It's not worth it y/n, I'm incapable of love. You have to understand." He stops and then turns to you

"Then... Th-that time when you said you need me..... What does that mean?" Your voice pitches in pain.

"That doesn't mean a thing! You're a necessity, sure! but friendship is the only thing I can give you!" he exclaims.

"But I do care for you... deeply. You don't have to hate me because of this y/n." His voice dissipates and holds your hand firmly as an attempt to comfort you.

You know it would never be the same, he wouldn't treat you the same way again and might even avoid you. You know you can't handle the weight of it so you decided to run away and hide.

It went on for years in different realms, in an attempt to distract yourself but still, you lie awake at night, a part of you expects him to search for you and for once, be there when you're vulnerable. The most horrifying fact is that he never did. You mostly lived those years miserably alone.

One day, you decided to show up in Asgard after years of longing. Who knows? Maybe he looked for you and you're just too far to reach?

You walked onto the bridge up to the palace, people seem to be gathered for what it seems to be an asgardian wedding. Curious, you decided to sneak in, hoping to catch a glimpse of the ceremony. To your surprise, you discovered that the groom was none other than Loki himself, saying his vows to his bride.

You heart dropped, as though a sword was plunged in it. You felt betrayed. All you can think of is that time when he said that he doesn't see himself getting committed to someone but seeing him now, utterly captivated by her. She's living the life you've always wanted. All of the things you wished he could've done to you.

You can't help but think that maybe he meant that he doesn't see himself getting in a relationship with you, maybe there's something lacking but you just can't think of anything. You gave him everything. All those times you spent alone, hoping to be found might have felt like a waste of time and energy.

After he kissed the bride, your eyes met his. His inner brows curled upwards. The face he only makes when he feels worried or sorry. You nodded as the crowd clap their hands.

"I understand." You mouthed.

This is a bit trashy, my mind's been occupied by college admissions lately but lemme know what you think.

[galaxymagitech]

Don’t know if anyone still cares about spoilers for this, but…

SPOILERS FOR TEEN TITANS (2003)

So I finished TT03 season 2. And cried. I was NOT expecting a teenager to die. When Terra defeated Robin, I thought “this can only end in a last-minute heroic sacrifice.” But it still took me by surprise that she was actually just gone. They make her a gravestone and she never comes back as Terra. It was shocking.

I tend to see most characters in the most sympathetic way possible, and that applies to Terra too. She did terrible things and she knows it. She made really bad, perhaps irredeemable, mistakes. But she also didn’t deserve the way her story went. Doing bad things and experiencing bad things don’t cancel each other out. Being hurt doesn’t justify hurting people, although you can certainly experience empathy for someone like that. But also—just because someone, especially a 15/16-year-old teenager, hurts people doesn’t mean it isn’t sad when they get hurt too.

Looking back on Terra’s story, I don’t know what the Teen Titans could have done differently. Fixing one mistake would’ve just delayed the inevitable. Slade was cunning enough to manipulate Terra and unlike Robin she didn’t have an established support system—Slade got to her before she could build one and undermined all her successive efforts. Terra says she’s looking for control, but I don’t think she’s right about herself. If she wanted control then she would’ve left Slade as soon as she got control over her powers. I think she was looking for safety and she considered herself a threat. She wanted to feel protected and secure, after so long on her own, and Slade offered her the opportunity to take the storm inside of her and channel it outwards. He offered her a place she didn’t have to fight him for, and Terra had never had that before. The Teen Titans couldn’t give her what she needed—and neither would Slade, but you can see why she thought he would. And Terra keeps repeating that she’s in control, that she wants this, as if trying to convince herself, and it was honestly horrifying to me.

I don’t want to take away Terra’s agency here. She was manipulated, but she still chose to betray the Titans. She isn’t a good person. But I don’t think she’s a bad person either. It’s not a dichotomy, it’s a sliding scale. She was just a person and she was trying but it wasn’t enough.

And Terra was a kid. She was a teenager who was lost and confused and scared and made the choices that seemed best to her in the moment. She changed her mind again and again. She gave up the best thing she ever had. In another world, she could’ve been happy. She could’ve even been “good,” maybe not in the profoundly heroic person at heart way, but in the “doing good things” way. If Terra hadn’t had out of control superpowers, if Slade hadn’t noticed her, Terra wouldn’t have turned “bad.” If she’d gotten a normal life, she wouldn’t have been “bad.” Terra was just as deserving of a good life as a normal person.

So I found myself with literal tears in my eyes over an animated TV show, because it just sucked so much that Terra’s story ended up like this and this was way darker and more horrifying than I expected.

Some of this goes for the comics character too. I think she’s genuinely a bad person in the comics, and a lot less sympathetic. But also—without getting into the specifics—her life really sucked. She did bad things and bad things happened to her. Deathstroke manipulated her, and although it was clear that she’d kill people/be evil on her own, the way her story went was really sad. And of course she’s still responsible for her own evil actions, but…any time you’ve got a teenager whose life is like that, whose mind is so messed up that killing people seems like a good idea, it doesn’t matter where the blame is assigned—it’s a tragedy.

I can’t help but have sympathy for Terra, in both forms. Because no matter how awful she was or how many cruel things she did, she was a kid and her story was sad.

(Me: Terra is a kid! 15 or 16 years old! A kid!!

Also Me: I’m…practically an adult.)

[kazz-brekker]

ballad of songbirds and snakes movie thoughts below the cut:

if you had told my past self that in 2023 there would be a hunger games prequel that opens with giving hot young president snow a shirtless scene i would have been like "you're joking" and yet here we are

i think not having snow's inner narration like we did in the book made him seem not quite as totally calculating and selfish since we're seeing him from the outside rather than hearing his thoughts

i.e. snow in the movie disdains sejanus at the beginning of the movie yet seems to have a closer relationship by the end, but in the book we know snow actually never cared for senjanus as much as he pretended to

this kind of comes across in scenes like where dr gaul tells him if he retrieves sejanus from the arena he'll win the plinth prize but snow tells sejanus it's because they're friends but not as much as in the book

hadn't seen rachel zegler or tom blyth in anything before this movie but they were both really good, they WERE lucy gray baird and coriolanus snow

kind of loved the uniforms the students at the academy wore. they look rich but also a bit ugly and also i love that it's "diversity win! in the dystopian fascist society skirts are gender-neutral!"

when reading the book i found myself thinking lucy gray's songs would be a lot more interesting in an audio format and it's true, i did like hearing them a lot more than reading

actually i was so into the music that during the scene where mayfair lipp and billy taupe died i was like "noooo go back to the music i was vibing with that song!"

one of my problems with the og hunger games movies is that they kind of decreased the horror by having the tributes all played by adults so i liked that a lot of the tributes in this movie really did look like teenagers

i kind of expected this going in since a movie need spectacle but i wasn't a huge fan of them adding more of a bloodbath at the beginning, the point is that the tributes don't want to kill each other and haven't yet been successfully condition by the capitol to do so

the movie did gain back some points with coral's "i can't have killed all those people for nothing" moment right before she died, and also lucy gray's reaction to watching dill drink the poisoned water

on a related note it is a little hilarious to me how often people in hollywood films will take poison and then immediately keel over dead. the capitol must have the most effective rat poison in the world considering it took out 3 separate people in like a minute each

sort of wish they had kept the part where the capitol was like "yeah one of the tributes had an asthma attack and died before the games, we sent a veterinarian to help but she couldn't save him" because it was such an encapsulation of their attitudes towards the districts

i am glad they kept the part with reaper arranging the bodies and everyone being more horrified that he ripped up the flag than anyone dying, and also dr gaul being like "we must now interrupt our entertainment of watching teenagers slaughter each other to announce that, sadly, a teenager has died"

lucky flickerman doing the weather report in between events instead of magic tricks like in the book does really drive home how mundane people in the capitol find the hunger games

were lucy gray's lines about katniss kind of cheesy? yes. was i here for them? also yes

the addition of tigris saying that snow looks like his father at the end of the movie was excellent

when i was reading the epilogue of the book i went "oh this is going to make a great ending to the film" and i dare say i was right

i feel like i should reread the hunger games books now that i am adult with a developed brain who can actually understand all the nuances

[cobaltrequiem]

I meant to send this yesterday but as someone who has loved bioshock for years I’m genuinely very curious to hear your thoughts on the games if you’re up for sharing some of them

OMG HI sorry I didn't see this in my ask box! Thanks for the ask @sand-worms and appologies for the rambling ahead!

The first BioShock game is my favourite out of the whole series, but that's partially because I'm quite sentimental about it. It was one of the first "serious" games that I had ever played. I was a teenager and before that point I was only allowed to play "family friendly" games. BioShock was one of the first games I bought with my own money on my own console (a switch lite I saved up for myself), and it was wonderful. The way it wasn't afraid to be overtly political and it wasn't afraid to frighten or challenge the player. It didn't treat you like an idiot.

I soaked up every aspect of it. The gameplay. The setting. The area designs. The characters. The messages that it wore on its sleeve. And the story, god the story! I was completely transfixed by it.

I finished it in two days, and I still consider it to be one of my top 5 games of all time. I wrote an essay on it's themes for my higher english course, and still regularly think about it.

It is one of the two games ever that has caused me to have an epiphany about videogames, not as simply an enojyable experience but as art, and truthfully I cannot bring myself to replay it. My first experience with it was so thorough and meaningful that I cannot bring myself to replay it. I know it wouldn't be the same. You were beautiful and I can never play you again.

I played BioShock 2 shortly after, and was initially quite disapointed at it for not being BioShock 1. You could tell that the story was written after 1 and that bugged me. Its political messaging also didn't seem as pointed to me.

However, throughout the course of the game I grew to really appreciate it's differences. The personal connection between Elanor and Subject Delta was incredibly touching. The choices in the game felt more meaningful and gave it an aspect of replayability that the first BioShock game did not have. The gameplay aditions were also great! I loved using the drill in particular, it was an incredibly satisfying weapon to use. It's story about altruism also resonated with me despite the slow start and I thought the adition of multiple endings (that didn't hinge on "is murdering children bad?") was also great.

BioShock 2 only took me a single day to complete, I sat down for 10 hours and played it all the way through with very few breaks, and I do seriously intend to revisit it - I own a copy for the xbox 360 now which should be infinitely better than playing on a switch lite. Overall its a very well made game, it just doesn't hold the same place in my heart as the original.

BioShock Infinite haunts me.

It's a game that had so much potential. The religious horror. The game's aesthetics. Playing a character that talked and reacted to things!

I went in with high hopes and loved it initially. I had a very personal experience with it too, albeit in a very different way. When I was a young child my dad bought a copy of BioShock Infinite shortly after it released and I would sit in the living room while he played it. It terrified me.

I have particularly vivid memories of the scene at the fair, it was maybe one of the first genuinely terrifying things I'd seen in a piece of media. It was a foundational memory for me and is perhaps where some of my love of horror comes from as an adult because it didn't just scare me to the point of tears, it fascinated me. The gore laden glory kills and the mechanised patriots were similarly horrifying but I never stopped watching. There was something alluring about this game I shouldn't have been seeing.

I really wanted to like BioShock Infinite but just couldn't. The story at times seemed like an excuse to get you from one point to another, the fence sitting centrist politics were tiring, and it tried to do everything at once.

BioShock Infinite was not a good game, but it was mediocre in an interesting way and that has stuck with me.

It wanted to be a political drama. It wanted to be high concept sci-fi. It wanted to be religious horror.

The area design made you feel like you were going around in circles. Vigours had very little story or gameplay relevance making them seem like a pointless adition clearly only meant to imitate plasmids. It didn't feel like a BioShock game but despite all of that it had potential. So many different ideas went into it, so many interesting storybeats and scenes and themes went into it but it just ended up feeling muddy and convoluted.

I can pick out so many things I like about it, so many things that are interesting and could have been amazing but weren't

Not too long ago I read a post from someone on this site. Something along the lines of "a good game will stay with you for a week, but a game that's mediocre in an interesting way will stick with you for life"

My dad never finished BioShock Infinite, but I did. I still think about it to this day.

[public-trans-it-deactivated20240]

If you are trans, how do you have an alter that isn't? (I'm asking out of ignorance and genuine curiosity, not malice. I know you haven't had the best anons lately)

Thank you for the parenthetical on that one. I didn't read it that way at all, but I appreciate someone going out of their way to specify that it's just curiosity and not someone sealioning. I also just love parentheticals in general. Feel free to ask more, or DM me! I'm happy to go into more depth.

The answer is quite simple: I'm just gonna force femme him, duh. (Okay, no, not really)

Read More

A warning upfront: This post is likely going to be written by multiple alters. Expect sudden shifts in tone, as well as shifts between first - and third-person perspectives. It's also gonna be a lot of rambling. I'm going to fucking hate it tbh. But I'm also more than happy to elaborate on specifics. The joys of having conflicting opinions on a single topic.

For context, this ask is in reply to this previous post I made about DID, how I feel names relate to it, and how i feel my experience differs from other peoples. In it, I mention that not all of my alters are trans.

It just feels... cringe. Like, I know that is probably certainly internalized ablism. But any time I discuss my own internal thought processes and the fact that there are just straight up other versions of me in there, I can't help but think I feel like one of those really awkwardly written teenagers in media who like... pretend to be possessed by demons and stuff. Part of it is also a little bit of fear.

That was... a bit of an oversimplification. It is rather difficult to go into detail, especially when the alter in question is the one who least likes talking about the experience of being plural.

While I don't talk about it with others, and will absolutely interrupt any attempts to map it out, I AM at least somewhat aware of how my system is shaped and who is in it. And that not everyone who used to be in it is still in there. There are versions of myself that are just... gone. And I know one of the things that results in that is too much internal reflection. So I just... don't.

Am I trans? I mean, Ceetee is, and I'm Ceetee, so probably. But I'm also the one who doesn't have that luxury. I'm the one who has to go to work. I'm the one who has to go by He/Him pronouns. I'm the one who answers when someone calls our deadname. And that is too important a part to risk losing to introspection, and the effect that has on us.

We are on HRT, the body we are in is going to change. We are looking forward to potentially going under the knife in the future. Lipofilly, vaginoplasty, etc. That's going to complicated things. I genuinely don't even know if I will still exist after that. I have plans on how to handle our social transition, that might make it smoother, but... again, I don't have the privilege of thinking on it too much.

Its... really difficult to write this out honestly. All of our discussion happens internally, thanks to us losing our amnesiac barrier a few years ago (thank God for that. Huge increase to our quality of life.) We would probably benefit from just making a discord server for just us, and using pluralkit or the like to talk with each other. But the idea of differentiating each other externally is HORRIFYING.

So instead, I'm the one handling our HRT. I have to, because he isn't willing to for the reasons mentioned above. And I can't even really discuss it well because he gets in the way a lot. Which I don't fault him for, it's his job, it's literally why he exists, and the several years I went with him not being involved socially were... extremely rough. I genuinely feel privileged to have him taking the brunt of all that for me. The nice thing about DID is it's actually a GREAT way to delegate tasks. If he represents the parts of us that don't have the privilege of changing, I can represent the parts of us that can.

But the truth is, all of us in here are undergoing an HRT we don't actually WANT. It gets us closer to a more comfortable body to live in, but it will never be possible to achieve a body ALL of us are happy with. We all have different gender goals, and as long as we are all stuck in the same body, there is no such thing as 'Gender affirmation'. That's why I use the label Aegogender. Looking it up, there is... not a lot of description of it. But for me, it has a very clear interaction with dissociative disorders.

I'm not genderless. Every single one of us in here has a gender. And they are not all the same. Which means our system cannot have a single gender. ANY transition will, by definition, go against the goals of others in the system. There is no way for all of us to be happy in this body, as long as we all have to share a single body. My "true" ideal body, would be an incorporeal hivemind piloting 3 or 4 bodies. Leaving us all connected to each other, but with our own individuality.

This is, obviously, NOT POSSIBLE. So HRT is the compromise.

Every single one of us is trans, even the one still going by He/Him and using our deadname. And so, just becoming something DIFFERENT is good enough for now. No solution has to be perfect forever. If we need to do something different in the future, we can just do something different in the future! We don't NEED to figure all of this out now.

I mentioned in the tags of my detransition post that I have a lot more complicated feelings about detransition. This is why. I fundamentally identify more with the concept of being a creature capable of change, than I do with any single gender.

Which means... once I transition, I'll almost certainly end up transitioning again. From what to what? I have NO IDEA. Will I end up detransitioning? Maybe. Will I end up pursuing some completely different presentation? Maybe. I dont know. I'm not that person yet.

I'm just gonna have to wait and see who manages to last that long, and what is best for all of us.