#thankfully i've gotten over it and i'm much happier now

[loverboybrightsideghost]

.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! Thank you for the surprise underline the black update, it was so wonderful to see how far Efnisien and Gary have come, and it felt like an exhale after the last chapter. How's your break going if you want to share? Did you enjoy sharing the chapter?

Hi hi anon!

I loved sharing the chapter, honestly if I wasn't scared about how low my output is at the moment I'd be sharing all the chapters!

It also felt good to remember sometimes I can sneak outside of the schedule and share a little extra.

It's also made me realise that maybe I need to come back with a stripped back schedule and post extras when I feel like I can handle it, and keep it smaller the rest of the time. So it's been pretty eye-opening!

I'm also hoping to share a chapter from A Stain that Won't Dissolve next week as well. :D

(Talking about the break under the read more!)

The break is going well! There was an intense 10 days with Tobermory getting desexed, the sedatives not working, and us struggling to kind of keep him...not miserable, even with plenty of enrichment, training, etc. But thankfully the cone is mostly off now, and he's gotten the all-clear from the vet to run and jump and play again, so he's already so much happier.

The best thing about the break has actually been having more kind of mental time to process some difficult emotional things and make some headway. I have a habit of using work to hide from personal issues, and so in some ways the break hasn't exactly been relaxing, because I've been processing some pretty heavy shit! I've been thinking about my future, the way I interact with people irl and how to increase my socialising, and I've been looking at some of my personal obstacles etc.

But I think the best thing about that is knowing that means the break is working. Like I have space to see what's broken about my writing career so I can actually be like 'let's spend some days thinking about how to change that' instead of knowing that it does have to change, and never having time to think about it, because I'm too busy in the middle of it. I can see what's not working in my personal life and think 'okay what actions do I actually need to take to improve this' instead of just thinking 'I need to focus on that' and never doing it.

I had a therapy session at the beginning of the year where my therapist asked me where my capacity was at. And I said I was at 100% all the time, maybe 90%. That was after I'd talked about being upset and annoyed at myself for never 'making time' to start any of the hobbies or things I wanted to learn. And she was like 'well, how can you learn anything new when your capacity is already at 90-100. How does anyone do anything with only that much left over. We can't do much meaningful work together if you have no capacity to process it, it would be irresponsible of us to go there.'

That was really eye opening for me. Self work requires capacity. If you're at capacity, you can't do the self work, even if you know you need to because you're suffering.

So this year has been a journey to find a way to keep some spare capacity in the tank lmao. At first it was small things, not like this hiatus, but just...making tea for myself again sometimes, going to bed earlier if I needed to, watching some TV I'd been putting off etc. But then it did have to be the big thing - going on hiatus and actually reflecting on stuff.

Ideally, a person should be living at about 40-60 capacity, enough to have some positive stress, but with a decent buffer to handle the unexpected hard things.

So tl;dr the break has been hard and has actually involved a lot of work behind the scenes (I caught up on editing 17 chapters for example, because the backlog got on top of me), but in that sense it's also been really good. It's great to be able to see how to start solving some problems and feel like I can. I'm not having a panic attack at the idea of coming back with a reduced schedule for example, or feeling like my entire career will collapse! Which! I did before!!!

I hope you're doing well too anon (and everyone here reading this). I'm sure we're most of us all a little bit over capacity, or a lot over capacity! Sometimes it takes something really small just to get it less maxed out, I have found 'what's my capacity level right now' really helpful, over the past 6 months.

[megabunnie]

Some of the older group of LGBT can be really wild sometimes. Or at least, my mother definitely is. Her relationship for the past 25+ years has been straight passing, but that woman is some flavor of queer, and has been in a poly situation with my step dad and "aunt" for basically my entire life. I grew up playing in drag queen's sashes and shoes, and she always preached love and acceptance to us kids. I was raised with pride and drag shows and knowing that love is what matters most. I came out to her as bisexual when I was 14(ish? My teen years are pretty hazy) and outside of the fact that I did this while she was driving down a highway full of traffic, it was very anticlimactic. Over the years, she was very chill about my first girlfriend. She was very accepting about my wanting to not be perceived as female for a long while. Encouraged me to love who I love. Dress how I want to dress and told me "grandma can deal" when I was upset that grandma hated the "boy" clothes and hair cuts. This woman filled her minivan past capacity every week to take a whole hoard of us gay little monsters to the underage club downtown. She was everyone's mom when their own mothers wouldn't love or accept them.

So why does she now have such an issue with trans/nb people? My spouse is definitely not the first of us that has come out. And it's not just her. It is some of her friends as well. The same friends that are drag queens and gayer than a three dollar bill and queer as the day is long. Basically her entire adult friend group is made up of LGBT. When my spouse finally came out of the closet as non binary and started leaning into feminine clothes and such, it's like a switch flipped in her brain. It was specifically my spouse coming out that started it. I've gotten so many little comments from her in the last couple months that my teenage and early 20s self would have never dreamed of her EVER saying.

"Back in the day, men just wore frilly underwear under regular clothes and just didn't say anything"

"I worry about how this is going to effect (the kids) as they get older and get into school. What will their friends and parents think?"

"Don't you think this might confuse (the kids) ?"

"(The kids) are going to get bullied for (Spouse)'s choices."

"Doesn't this change anything for you?"

Honestly, I don't know what's happened. Did she always think this way? Is it just because she's getting older? Is it because she's in shock? I don't see how it can be that last one - I've always been some which way (bi, pan, demi- I stopped trying to figure it out. I don't care about a lable for myself) and she knows I've never cared about gender in regards to my love life. My spouse has never been a very masculine person, the only thing masculine about them was how they chose to present themselves. Oh, and their obsession with smoking meat. The only things that changed were the clothes and name. They're the same person, just happier.

I know I'm handling this as well as I can. I'm doing everything I can to keep this away from my spouse. She is thankfully not saying any of these things to or around them. I'm defending them. I'm defending them so much. I've never had to defend a partner or my choices from my mother before now. I'll keep doing it.

I just dont understand. What happened?

[chilipepperconverse]

Ao3 Author tag game!

tagged by my bestie @plushie-sentai <3

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

19!

2. What is your Ao3 word count?

74,854 holy shit. i hadn't checked it in awhile lmao

3. What fandoms do you write for?

oh all kinds of shit, but rn i'm up to my eyeballs in tokusatsu. i tend to jump from fandom to fandom depending on my current hyperfixations HSKDJGS

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

in the fall we sleep all day (the magnus archives, jonmartin)

the end was soon (the magnus archives, jonmartin)

feeling so alive, feeling something (my hero academia, tododeku)

we both need it to forget this fear (the magnus archives, jonmartin)

if that's what it takes (my hero academia, tododeku)

all of these are like. at least 4 years old LMAO

5. Do you respond to comments?

i always do!!

6. Which of your fics has the angstiest ending?

mmmm depends on your definition i think. if you include canon compliant events its def one of my danganronpa fics (a foreign still or light of the moon) but that feels boring to me SO i might say my most recent fic for kamen rider ex-aid (or just mine tonight) since it ends on kindof a sour note for the characters? im not sure tbh, as much as i love angst in a fic i tend to like happier or ambiguous endings.

7. Which of your fics has the happiest ending?

that's an easy one! my dimension 20: mentopolis fic (whale fall) was written before the finale and was my guess as to what would happen w one of the pairs of characters, and its very sweet and wholesome i think :3

8. Do you get hate on fics?

thankfully no!

9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?

i do! i used to be terrified of it, but i think i've gotten better the more i write! i don't hold any bars on what kind of smut i'll write, either-- whatever the characters are workin with, i'll do it!! lmao

10. Do you write crossovers? If so, what's the craziest crossover you've written?

i used to! back when i wrote for achievement hunter i wrote an au where the fake AH crew were killjoys, like from gerard way's comics and the MCR album danger days :p i got uncomfy with RPF as i got older tho so those fics are all lost media now HSJGHJD

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nope! not that i'm aware of anyways lol

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope but if anyone wants to... pleading emoji

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

not unless roleplay counts... i used to rp a certain anime with friends mostly as a joke in high school but we did try and write story-format roleplay a few times

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

i don't much care for it or the property anymore bc i've got some bad experiences tied to it, but i think the ship i've gone the most batshit over is probably jonmartin from the magnus archives. right now tho? definitely best match from kamen rider build <3

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

my magnus archives dnd au (write an anthem worth repeating), for aforementioned reasons of not feeling good about the source material anymore :( a shame bc i thought my writing in that fic was nice

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think i'm pretty good at characterization! i get a lot of comments saying i give good insight into how characters feel which is lovely to hear, bc thats what i like most about writing fanfic!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

PACING... AND PLOTS IN GENERAL... why do you think i only write one-shots!! 😭

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i don't trust myself enough to do it right... i write a lot of fic for japanese media so the most i'll do is use the japanese word for something that can't be translated (names of foods for example)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

god probably warrior cats in like 3rd grade... on Ao3 tho it was achievement hunter, but those are gone like i said earlier </3

20. Favorite fic you've written?

is it cheating if i say my wip?? ;3

i'm gonna tag @meganechan05 bc i cant remember who else im moots with who writes fic but if you see this and wanna do it go ahead n say i tagged you!! :D

[purlturtle]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you @ussjellyfish for the tag! I also think I've done this sometime before, but hey, some of these answers might have changed, who knows, so I'll do it again :)

Okay, let's do this:

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

78 now! :) Not as many as others, but hey, I'm proud of all of them, and proud of my accomplishments as a writer.

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

1,739,321 - I didn't know I was *that* much over a million! I remember crossing the one million threshold with And Now You, and being so amazed and happy!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Almost all Bering and Wells these days. I've also written for a couple of Star Trek shows (Voyager, TNG, DS9) and a sprinkling of Discworld. Oh, and a Doctor Who crossover!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

All of these are Bering and Wells/Warehouse 13!

In the Warmth of Friends - two artifacts work together to bring Christina back. How does that work out, for Helena, for Christina, for Myka?

What Goes Around Comes Around (That Halloween Story) - at Halloween, the veils between the worlds are thin - so thin that a person might stumble from Victorian London to modern day Brooklyn. AU with infant!Christina, and Helena trying not to be found out, and realizing being found out isn't so bad after all.

And Now You - my magnum opus; 264K words of a high school AU. It's not a slow burn; they kiss in ch4 - but then what? How do two teenaged girls navigate a relationship and their own two personal lives, with all that that entails? (plus a big plot twist that happens halfway through the story and changes everything yet again)

Mind Over Matter (Hearts Over Minds) - my foray into A/B/O dynamics for Bering and Wells! It was fun to think about how a society might work when you have alphas and omegas and people who are neither. In my story, Helena is an omega, and was bronzed partially for that; Myka is an alpha, and also a trans woman (which comes with its own complications!)

Iron Woman - an AU in which Helena is a genius inventor and CEO, and Myka applies to be her personal assistant - and then discovers that her boss has not just one big secret! Comes with a part 2!

I'll put the rest of the questions under a readmore; this is getting long! 😅

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! I love connecting over my story, be it a one-time reader with a username I've never before encountered, or someone who often or always comments on my stories, or a fandom friend. At the very least I want to show my appreciation for getting a comment! Also, this thing about "replying to comments artificially inflates your comment count" - I'm sorry, WHAT. Just, no. Thankfully I've never been in a fandom (or fandom corners) where that was something people told authors. If you take the time to leave me a comment, I will answer you.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

In part 1 of my Doctor Who crossover, they all die. Although there IS a part 2 which kinda subverts that, so it might not count 😅 I am a sucker for happy endings, and so mine are rarely angsty.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of them? 😂 I mean, what defines a happy ending is the story stakes, right? I did write one, for example, in which the world learned that H.G. Wells was actually a woman. But that only made sense in THAT story, not in any other - but that doesn't make that ending happier than the endings of my other stories!

8. Do you get hate on fic?

I've gotten one (1) hateful comment, which was HILARIOUS in its "dude, just click the back button" entitledness. On the A/B/O fic, by the way, which I suppose is understandable since that is, in and of itself, a pretty contested trope and also one that's not frequent in the Bering and Wells fandom. I didn't recognize the commenter's name from other B&W fics, so I'm thinking they got to my fic via the A/B/O tag and not the B&W tag. Anyway, it was so clearly not about my story or myself and all about that person's takeaway that I could laugh it off.

9. Do you write smut?

Happily, and currently almost exclusively 😅 My muse has a very dirty mind these days, and I am happy to oblige.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yes! From the very beginning, although that was "just" two Star Trek shows, so the characters already existed in the same universe. The other actual crossovers I've written were with characters from Doctor Who (one with the Doctor, and one with Jack Harkness). And sometimes I write little cameos, such as Sophie Deveraux appearing in one of my stories, near the end. Oh, and a Wonder Woman crossover!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Again, not to my knowledge. But I had one of my fics turned into a podfic!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

In a way, yes: Submerged Submission is a fic made from roleplay I'm doing with a friend. There is also another I'm working on, but that is nowhere near done yet!

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Hmmmm... *rubs chin* I don't know... What could it be... 😂 (Bering and Wells. It's Bering and Wells. They are my One True Pairing, in the strictest sense of the phrase. I don't ship anyone else the way I do them.)

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

I have put a few fics up on AO3 with a disclaimer that I don't have an idea of where they're going and thus will no longer write them. What was there was good and so I published them, but I'm certain my muse has turned away from them for good. I'd be happy if someone else took them up, honestly!

16. What are your writing strengths?

Emotions! Both thinking my way through emotional ramifications of plot events, and describing them. I feel emotions very deeply, myself, and I'm glad that writing gives me the opportunity to parse them and make sense of them and inflict them on my readers :D :D

I'm also good at What Ifs, I think. I love writing AUs that answer What If questions. What if A/B/O was actually a thing; how would society look? What if Helena did have Christina back; what would that mean for her? I love to really think my way through that.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Not a writer of case fics, usually. Any "action plot" is usually only there as scaffolding for the emotional developments 😅 Also, sticking with one WIP until it's done, but I'm learning to be okay with that. It's like snacks: sometimes you're in the mood for chips, sometimes chocolate chip cookies. Sometimes I'm in the mood to work on a smut fic, sometimes a pirate AU (yes, I haven't given up on that one!)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Na klar! :D I'm multilingual; fluent in English and German, and conversant in French. Plus smatterings of a few other languages too. I do provide translations when I do, but typically in the notes rather than the text itself - but I do try to write it in such a way that the reader can glean what happened even if they don't speak that language and haven't scrolled to the end notes yet. Writing Kathryn Janeway confronted with an old Italian Nonna without a universal translator was a HOOT!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Voyager!

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Oh, gosh. That is such a hard question. I'm super proud of And Now You, my high school AU. It's my longest continuous work (I have a series that is longer), it brought me over the million-words-mark, it's a really good story about two teenagers in love. I'm also still very happy with that series I just mentioned, which is the first thing I ever wrote - granted, I was in my early 30s, so no teenage attempt, but still. Hit the ground running! Fell in love with Kathryn Janeway, and wrote myself onto the good ship Voyager. Had a lot of fun with that, and like I said, still like the result.

All right, these are the questions, and my answers to them! Now I'm supposed to tag writer friends, to see if they want to answer them too. Here goes:

@anandabrat @madronash @kloperslegend @kla1991 @elsiebrayisgay @galactic-pirates @tryingthisfangirlthing @lilolilyr - no obligation, of course! And also if you wanna do this and I haven't tagged you, just go ahead!

vvv

The questions!

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

3. What fandoms do you write for?

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

8. Do you get hate on fic?

9. Do you write smut?

10. Do you write crossovers?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

16. What are your writing strengths?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

[maple-the-awesome]

We'll Meet Again...I Know When || Chapter 24

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x GN Reader

Words: 3,065

Overview: Given your old-fashioned personality and obsession with all things 1940s to 1980s, it’s no wonder that most people refer to you as an ‘old soul’ who would’ve rather lived back then than in the modern era. Little do they know, you already did, but with your previous life as Hollie Stark cut short, you’ve been left with some…unfinished business, to say the least. Top of your list? Finally getting to marry your thought-to-be-lost fiancé.

Series Masterlist 🤎 Marvel Masterlist 🤎 Fandom Masterlist

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: LET'S JUST TALK

Compared to the decades you've both been apart before, it really hasn't been much longer than a blink of time since you've last seen Bucky, yet you're staring like a deer in headlights anyways, struggling to process all of these damned emotions that overtake you like a tidal wave. At least you're not alone in this reaction, though.

Despite having been the one to call you, Bucky doesn't say anything too quickly himself. He holds the camera at a slightly awkward angle, struggling to keep it level which you aren't sure he realizes. Thankfully, the image remains crystal clear no matter how much he shakes the screen, allowing you to still dwell on his handsome features as if he were standing right here in front of you: his hair and beard have gotten longer, the former tied back into a messy bun; it's a nice look.

"Merry Christmas!" You blurt at last, cursing how much your smile must make you look like a giddy teenager. Oh well, you're too surprised by this unexpected video call to stress over it.

"Merry Christmas," Bucky repeats accompanied by laughter, a smile adorning his own face. You notice it immediately, unable to skip how much happier he seems in the moment compared to months ago. He carries this sort of glow to himself now that you had only ever seen snippets of while on the run, not to mention there's no longer bags under his eyes nor a drag to his voice. He's relaxed, and that alone makes you feel far better than you have been.

Shortly after Siberia, Steve had sent a letter to give you a vague update on things, however that only gave you temporary peace of mind. You often paced around your room wondering just how safe this 'Wakanda' could be for the love of your life. Steve said it's a very secure country and you trust Steve, but cat-man also tried to kill Bucky every time their paths crossed. Will Wakanda really protect him now? Are they capable of protecting him? Is he happy there and not as depressed as your nightmares tell you he is? You could never be quite sure of any answers until finally allowed to confirm them with your own eyes.

"How, um...How have you been?" You ask to get the conversation rolling, struggling to find a comfortable seat leaned against your pillows in the meantime. Not once during your readjustments do you take your eyes away from the tablet.

"I've been good," Bucky answers quickly, although after thinking it over, he decides to add, "I, uh, don't know how much Steve told you, but I actually went under for a while until the Wakandans could find a cure for the Winter Soldier...so that's all better now..."

He tries to play it off as if it's not a big deal, but ends up smiling shyly once you gasp with a huge grin, "Wait, you're serious?! Does that mean there's no more Winter Soldier at all?!"

"W-Well, we tried the trigger words and they didn't work -"

"- Bucky, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you! I was just thinking something seemed different about you, too - that you look more at ease and all. Oh, I'm sure, though! No more worrying about the other guy coming out must really take a big weight off your shoulders, huh?"

He blushes at your kind words, "We shouldn't get our hopes up too high yet...but yeah, it's been pretty nice having one less thing to worry about."

"That's really good news, Bucky - wonderful news!" You can't stop smiling, "What else have you been up to? You'll have to tell me all about Wakanda. They're known for vibranium and I watched King T'Challa's speech, but that's about the extent of my knowledge. What's it like there? Are you enjoying yourself?"

'Are you happy?' Is the question you're trying to hint at, desperately wanting to hear him say the words which will rest your anxieties in regards to everything that happened the last time you saw each other.

Fortunately, Bucky's eager to nod, "It's nice here. They've set me up with this little hut where I'm able to take care of goats all day and the villagers are super nice even though I'm still struggling to learn their language - Oh, and it's all by this huge lake, too. Did you get to see it? I think I put a picture on your tablet. I did it without any help, though, but I think I got it?"

You chuckle, "I did. You set it as the background. I'm assuming you're my secret Santa who sent this then?"

He nods more bashfully this time, "...Do you like it?"

"If it lets me finally catch up with you, then I love it."

This seems to please him as he goes to explain, "Shuri suggested it as a good gift. 'said none of the calls can be tracked by the government, so it would be a safe way to talk to you without giving away either of our locations."

"Smart. Steve sent a burner phone with his letter, but yeah, I didn't want to use it if it would risk any of you seeing as the government's apparently been searching nonstop for your whereabouts."

For the first time, Bucky frowns, the screen shaking a bit as he must've sat down, "...Have they been giving you a lot of trouble because of me?"

His fears dim your own bright spirit, however you don't want to focus on that nor do you want him to. Waving your hand with a so-so sign, you respond truthfully, "Eh, it's been touch and go. I wasn't formally charged with anything at least. Thanks to Tony putting in a good word for me, I pretty much got a slap on the wrist and required monthly meetings with a probation officer, although I do think they've been watching me pretty closely from afar. You know, in case I get into contact with any of my 'fugitive' friends, but seeing as the FBI hasn't busted down my bedroom door yet, they must be slacking off for the holidays."

Bucky gives a dull hum.

"I can't complain, though. Overall, they've been extremely lenient with me all things considered and hey, I get to live in the new Avengers' compound which is a total win! Like, do you see this room? This is first class living right here!" You turn on the opposite camera, proudly showing off your room for Bucky to see, however to your disappointment, it still only brings a vague tug to his lips before they fall back into a frown, "...Okay, what's wrong? Out with it, Barnes."

He fidgets with his own device, not looking into his camera directly even after you turn yours back to your face. When you draw out his name and thus show your refusal to simply drop the topic, he finally caves in, "I don't understand how you aren't upset with me..."

"Why would I ever be upset with you? Bucky, you've done nothing wrong. You were my friend. Together, we were living a peaceful life in Romania which was honestly the happiest months of my life. It was Zemo who came and ruined it. You couldn't have done anything to prevent that. He caught us all by surprise, even the Avengers -"

"- I know...I know..." He whispers, squeezing his eyes shut for a second, "I know you care about me and I know you never hesitate to protect me...But I just keep repaying Siberia in my head. I can't help thinking about when we confronted Zemo and everything that happened afterwards -"

"- Are you mad at me?"

Bucky's head shoots up, looking at you with wide eyes and shock written over his face, "Why would I ever be mad at you?"

It's your turn to shy away from the camera, rubbing the fabric of your pajama sleeves between your fingers as a distraction, "...I don't know. We went all that way together, we almost escaped, then I chose Tony over you at the last minute...I could've gone with Steve and you - "

"- He's your friend -"

"- So are you," you sigh, dropping your head back against your pillows in defeat, "...I didn't even say goodbye to you - I didn't say anything to you! What kind of friend does that?! ...Be honest with me, Buck. Did that upset you?"

He hesitates, "...Yes..."

You inhale through your nose, the guilt pricking your heart the same way it did back then.

"But I wasn't upset with you - not by any means. I was just upset with myself. At first, it was because I saw what I had done. You can argue that I didn't do it physically and that I had no power to stop it, but at the end of the day, Zemo used me to get between the Avengers and it was because you tried protecting me that you almost got into trouble yourself -" When you open your mouth to object, Bucky shakes his head, not giving you the chance, "You can't deny that part, (Y/n). If I wasn't involved, you wouldn't have had a reason to fight your friends or go against the law...That's the other thing that upset me...

"You had given up so much for my sake already - I never wanted to see you sacrifice anything else, yet you were still willingly to. That's why I should've been happy to see you choose Stark's side in the end. I should've been relieved that you finally put me aside for once to make your own choice...but I wasn't happy and that made me angry with myself. Even in that moment, regardless of how much you had given me, I was still hoping you'd go with Steve and I. I felt...lost when you didn't, then guilty for feeling that way because like I said, I should've just been happy for you instead. What right did I have in being that selfish -?"

"- Bucky -"

"- I'm not upset anymore, though - you should know that. I've had a lot of time to think things over for myself here in Wakanda and I thought about, um...- I mean it when I say I'm happy that you've been, uh, happy this whole time, too..." He begins to stumble with his words, trailing off with an eventual curse, "The thing is -...I've realized -...Shit, how do I say this -?"

"- It doesn't feel right when we're apart," you suggest, earning his attention, although you merely shrug with a smile, "No matter what you do, no matter who you're around, you always feel like something or someone's missing. You can be in a room filled with people and still feel lonely without that one person you had gotten so accustomed to being around all the time."

"Y-Yeah..." He rubs the back of his neck with one hand, a faint blush covering his cheeks, "You feel that way, too, then?"

"All the time. It's gotten a little better, but as it turns out, it's surprisingly hard to reset your life after two years."

"Tell me about it," Bucky rolls his eyes and chuckles. He brings his other hand back to the tablet, his mouth moving, however you don't hear anything making you smirk as you realize the reason as to why.

"James, hun, I think you've muted yourself."

He frowns before looking around as he seems to be calling for someone while tapping several buttons in an attempt to fix the problem himself. A girl soon appears on screen temporarily, shouting at him (which you don't need volume to understand) then swatting him away in order to take the tablet and unmute the video herself.

"- I swear, you're worse than a toddler - or my brother for that sake! Always touching stuff and poking buttons! Keep your hands to yourself!" You hear her curse as she walks off, leaving Bucky to pout and look back at you with obvious embarrassment.

"...Is that better?"

"Much," you snuffle your laughter, "You were saying?"

He appears caught off guard by your question and it takes him a good minute or two to remember the exact train of thought he had been having before, yet thanks to you repeating what you had said last yourself, it manages to jog his memory.

"...I was gonna say that I miss you," he admits bashfully, "Don't get me wrong, I like Wakanda and I'm grateful for everything everyone's done for me here even though Shuri can be intimidating at times, but I, um, really miss how it felt living together. I miss how comfortable I automatically felt around you and the way I could just - I don't know, turn around to talk to you. I miss that simple life we had where things actually felt normal as if we weren't on the run or had any terrible secrets to hide...Thanks to you I felt like a normal person and I could never thank you enough for that..."

You feel your heart soar which no doubt shows on your beaming expression, "I meant it earlier when I said those years we spent together were the happiness of my life. I missed -...I've missed you since then. If I'm allowed to be dramatic, it's utter hell whenever I have to go long periods of time without hearing your voice let alone be able to see you with my own eyes. You're a critical part of my life, James. It doesn't matter how much time passes nor what crazy stuff life likes to throw at us, that fact will always remain the same."

Bucky's blush grows brighter and although he dips his head down a bit to hide it, the smile he bites back is enough to let you know your words haven't crossed any line, thus you refuse to take them back.

"Maybe after the smoke's officially cleared, it'll be safe to see each other in person again and, if we're real lucky, we might even be able to, I don't know, live together again - If you're interested in that, of course."

"I'd like that," he nods, his voice breathless despite not having done any kind of exercise, "...I'm just not sure how plausible it'll be. What if the government -"

"- James, it's the government. It took them two years to find us the first time and as much as I hate to admit fault, I think we were getting a bit sloppy towards the end anyways. Living in the city, going on walks and coffee dates - I bet if we used a more concrete strategy, we'd never be found again. As far as the government would be concerned, we dropped off the face of the earth, never to be seen or heard of."

"What's this 'concrete strategy' entail?" Bucky asks, finding himself mirroring the slight smirk you give in response. He knows you well enough to guess you already have a plan in mind and your hum as you pretend to think doesn't fool him into believing he's wrong.

"Hmm...Well, based on the movies I've watched, it seems the go-to spot for hiding is somewhere completely off the grid - preferably the country since I've seen people move to high up mountains and I am not dealing with anywhere colder than Romania."

He chuckles.

"Think about it, though? We'd live off the land, so we wouldn't have to risk going into town for anything and being seen."

"I think living off the land is a lot harder than the movies, dear."

"Oh, we'll figure it out. We're both pretty smart - I am at least," you dismiss while ignoring the nickname he used. You have to worry about one thing at a time and if you make a convincing enough plan for your imaginary futures, you might just get to hear Bucky call you other sweet names that sit directly in your heart, "Also, if we go to the country, you can bring your little goats, too. Good deal, right?"

"I'm not sure if the Wakandans will let me steal their goats."

"I meant we can get you your very own goats. Please don't start stealing goats from people, Bucky. It's frowned upon," you roll your eyes which seems to trigger a yawn you would've never commented on, however Bucky does:

"It's pretty late there, isn't it? I should probably let you sleep -"

"- It's fine. I'm a world champion for lack of sleep, second to only Tony. It's a Stark thing, I suppose."

"Hypocrite," is Bucky's teasing response as he interprets your words in another way than what you had actually meant; a good thing, too, seeing as you're beginning to lose your self control. Yes, you can force your body to stay up for as long as needed to keep talking to him, however is it worth the risk of blurring the lines further between past and present, friend and fiancée?

"Not a hypocrite. I can function just fine on little sleep. You turn into a big grump, though," you counter, muffling another yawn behind your hand. Unfortunately, the smarter side of you eventually forces out the words you've been desperately trying to deny, "...Maybe you're right. Maybe I should get some sleep. It's been a long day..."

Bucky smiles triumphantly, proud to have won an argument with you for once and without having to say much either, although he must secretly admit his own bitter feelings towards the thought of this conversation ending. He could talk to you all night if allowed...

"...Hey (Y/n)...I -'' He starts suddenly after what felt like forever of silent thought, however you cut him off by holding up a hand and giving a tired smile.

"- I think I know what you're going to say, but how about you wait to tell me in person, alright?"

The stress visually melts off his bones into a sigh as he happily accepts not having to worry about those terrifying words right now, after all he prefers your suggestion of waiting for an opportunity to tell you in person anyways, although he does frown slightly at the thought of how long that'll take. This call ending brings him back to reality, reminding him that he doesn't get to see you nearly as often as he would like...How long will he have to wait until you're within arms length again? How long until the right moment to utter those words?

"James?"

"Hmm?"

"You'll start calling regularly, yeah? Remember: it's utter hell for me not to hear from you. You'll take pity on me by calling sometimes, right?"

Bucky smiles gently and nods, "I'll call as often as I can."

NEXT CHAPTER ->

<;- PREVIOUS CHAPTER

[sewmice]

hello! <3 i'd like to thank you so much for posting those new utapri songs <3 i have severe depression and since they announced the end of shining live, i've been sadder than ever this year. i've been looking at your tumblr everyday since you posted "samuraizm" and i feel so happy now with the new songs you posted. thank you so much, it made my day and week much happier <3 you're an angel (sorry i don't have a tumblr, so it has to be annonymous, but just know that you're special to me) <3 xoxo

It's absolutely no problem! I'm so happy to finally be able to give back to this community in recent years after so long! I know I'm not the only uploader out there, but I'm proud to be the new designated uploader of the Tumblr lol. To the best that my budget and interests currently allow (Sorry Heavens). And I do hope as time goes on, I can buy and provide more and more!

To think this all started because I was salty the Shining Romance and Force Live MVs were never officially posted, and understandably hard to find from other fans. So I bought Setsugetsuka, which started the slow slide of "Well maybe I'll order this CD too."

Also show love to any other uploaders out there! Hikarinoakari has always been a pretty steady source for ages that I somehow forgot about until earlier this year.

And now to be sappy. I feel you so much. Utapri has gotten me through some rough depressive episodes. So many of my friends as well. The music, the series, all of the uploaders past and current, and so much of the community has kept myself and so many others sane. And I very much hope to continue to help spread that light for years to come. Gonna be hard to get rid of me now after all. I've already been in this Utapri hell for 10 years now.

The Shining Live situation is rough. It definitely gave a lot of us a kick to the stomach. It's been weird playing JP as normal, like EN isn't slowly getting closer to the end. And playing EN like it's not ending.

Don't give up hope just yet though! There's still two and a half weeks until our supposed end date! One and a half until our possible nail in the coffin with URs in the Memorial Bangle shop. There's is possibly still time for them to change their minds! The Chinese server got their notice of the merge option only a week before their shut down date!

Email the support team! Email KLab! Let your voice be heard!

And even if it does die, JP is still there! The community is still here! Translating and posting and doing our best with our crumbs! And even without Shining Live, Utapri has thankfully become more and more accessible to international fans over the years. The songs are finally being added to international markets! (5th Anniversary CD is on iTunes!) There is so much Utapri out there, that even if it's sad, and it will be hard, we can keep going!

Now I'm done being sappy lol. This got very long and rambly. Just thank you and everyone else who are all so kind!

[softxsuki]

TW // MENTION OF DEATH

hi, i was the one who requested the suicide attempt fic (thank you so much for writing it by the way) i have another request that is on the topic of death so im sorry if this request makes you uncomfortable in any way and if you chose not to write this i completely understand why.

so long story short, i ran away from my family and havent talked/interacted with them in years.

i got curious on how they were doing so i checked their facebook and recently found out that my father (along with two other family members) had passed away.

i really hated them, but i used to love them, and they used to make me so so happy. and knowing that they arent here anymore makes me feel like i still love them. it hurt me. i felt horrible.

if it isnt too much, may i request my comfort character kuroo (again) comforting gn!reader about the death.

of course, this isnt an urgent request so feel free to do other requests before this one. thank you so so much

Kuroo Comforting Reader Whose Family Members Passed Away After They Ran Away From Home

Pairing: Kuroo x Gn!Reader

Warnings: mentions of death, family members passing away, sadness, crying

Genre: Angst, Comfort

Post-Type: Oneshot

Word Count: 1k

Summary: In which you find out on facebook that your mother, father, and a few other family members had passed away after years of not being in contact with your family since you ran away from home. You feel conflicted over the pain that you feel in your heart about their passing since you thought you hated them, so Kuroo comforts you after you hear the news of their passing.

[A/N: Hello anon <3. Thank you again for changing this to urgent. I wanted to write this earlier for you as I'm sure you have been suffering a lot with the news, but ofc I've been super busy with other urgent requests and regular requests it's been crazy. And I know it's kinda stupid of me to keep my requests open ALL THE TIME, but I really want my blog to be a place where people can come with their ideas and urgent requests whenever they need it (and as long as I'm able and comfortable to write them). I appreciate your patience though <3. Hopefully Kuroo can provide you with some comfort through this oneshot! This can be read as romantic or platonic :). I'm here if you ever need to talk~ Take care <3 ]

No, there’s no way.

You read the facebook post once, twice, again and again, not able to comprehend the shocking words illuminating on your phone.

“They passed away?” You mutter to yourself in shock from your living room couch.

You had run away from your family a few years ago and moved in with Kuroo, who was thankfully more than happy to welcome you into his home. You had found solace in your new home with him and felt happier than ever…that was until that moment. Reading the names of your mother, father, and a few other family members that had passed away from your family without you even knowing. It hurt a bit, having to hear the news that they passed away from a facebook post instead of in person.

You had gotten curious as to how they were all doing. It had been years since you had last spoken to or interacted with any of your family, but all these deaths were not what you were expecting to see. Your mother, the woman who birthed you, your father who helped raise you, and your other family members who you grew up talking to–they were now all gone. Though you felt hatred in your heart for your family as your reasons for running away still sat deep in your mind, it still hurt to hear that they no longer existed in the same world as you. There was a time when you loved them with all your heart and they made you happy at some point, but that was different now, so why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like you still loved them?

You didn’t even realize the silent, numb tears that fell down your face until the droplets hit your phone in your lap. At that very moment Kuroo walks into the living room where you were seated.

“Y/N what do you think abou- huh? What’s wrong?” He stops mid sentence after noticing the tears falling down your face and instantly runs over to your side.

Thankfully Kuroo already knew about your bad past with your family and the reasons why you ran away from home, so you didn’t have to explain that part; instead you inform him of the news of some of your family members passing away, including your mother and father. He could see the pain on your face as you explain, showing him the post on your phone that you had curiously found.

“I just can’t believe that they’re gone and I hate that I’m really hurt over it right now,” you say with tears falling down your face as you desperately scramble to wipe them away, not understanding why you felt this way.

“Y/N…they’re your family. At one point in your life you loved them, you all made each other happy. Despite how badly things turned out to the point where you felt like you had to run away, those happy memories will alway be there in your mind. It’s what you’re remembering now, hence your sadness and tears, but that’s okay. You can feel sad about them passing away, that’s completely fine,” he reassures you, patting you softly on your leg, now sitting beside you on the couch.

“But I don’t want to cry over them! I’m supposed to hate them! Why does my heart feel like breaking in two when I haven’t even spoken to them in years? I don’t want to feel this way,” you yell in frustration, throwing your face into your hands.

Kuroo moves closer to you and brings you into his chest, allowing you to grasp his shirt as the pain in your heart was let out through your tears. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how you must have been feeling, but seeing you crying in his arms made his heart clench in pain.

“I know, I know” he coos, soothingly patting the top of your head as his other hand holds you tightly to his chest, “I know you don’t want to feel this way, but just let it all out for now. You’ll feel a lot better after crying it all out. We can talk about anything you want to talk about later if you’d like and I’ll just listen. If you want to talk about the good or bad memories you have with them, about how you’re feeling, or anything at all, we’ll do it. I’ll listen to it all.”

So you did. You cried and you cried, his grip on you never once loosening so long as you kept yourself in his arms. You let all the pain in your heart seep out through your sobs, feeling lighter and lighter as you did so until there were no more tears left to cry. You were just sniffling in his arms now, memories flying through your head of your family members who you really would never see again now that they were gone for good.

“It still hurts,” you let out, feeling the dull ache in your chest.

“I know, it will hurt. It’s only natural that you feel that way. But just because it hurts now doesn’t mean you’ve given in and now love them, you’re just remembering the times when you did love them, so it’s okay to feel hurt. I’ll be here until all the hurt is gone,” he says, leaning his chin on the top of your head, the vibrations of his voice running through your mind.

“You promise?”

“I promise. I’m not going anywhere,” he reassures you for the nth time, willing to continue to reassure you until you truly believed him and felt better.

“Okay, thank you Tetsuro,” you sigh in relief, glad that at least he was still around for you.

He continues to hold onto you, until he finally whispers, “How about we order out today? I was going to ask what you wanted me to cook earlier, but considering how you’re feeling now, we can just order your favorite food or something. How does that sound?”

“That would be perfect,” you mumble into his chest, still needing to feel the heat of his body that was holding you together emotionally in that moment.

You’d get through your confusing emotions thanks to his support; you knew that for sure.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 1/16/2022

[sims-half-crazy]

November 3, 1885

My Darling Julia,

I hope the harvest went well. Ours was middling. Thomas is eager to begin his life anew, but he's still got a couple of years. He is set on moving away. The railroad is advertising jobs all over the country, and I think the promise of a new place to land is really enticing to him. He's doing what needs to be done here, but you can tell he's only going through the motions.

Thank you for the lovely gift for my birthday. Being 18 now seems odd with both Mother and Father gone. I shared my celebrations with Virginia as her birthday was all but forgotten in the tumoil of Father's passing. I do believe she was thankful for my intention. She seemed happier than she has been of late. I took her to town for some ices and while we were there we saw Cousin Jenifer! She's back at their old homestead with her new husband, Mr. Jack Marston. I believe she said his family was from up north, a coastal town of some such. She met him on her voyage back to the States. I gather that after Adalyn married Mr. Wilkes, things between Jenifer and Nan eroded to the point that Nan told her to come back to us! Thankfully for us, she found this Mr. Marston when she docked stateside. I don't know if Aunt Nan even knows she has a new son-in-law, but I'm sure that Adalyn must've informed her. This has all bee a months long affair of fodder for the gossip mill here. There's even talk from some of the older women that Jenifer isn't really even married to this Mr. Marston and they're living in sin while he takes advantage of her. I don't put much stock into this talk as I've seen the two of them together and they seem like a matched pair. He's just as hard and piercing as she is, it's like watching two rocks fall against each other and then land side by side. I should not like a marriage like that. I should want one like Mother and Father had.

We need to find Jane a husband so that she may leave us in peace. She's a shrew, plain and simple. Her mood swings have gotten worse and she's taken to talking to the plants! She has whole conversations with them. What's worse is she gets along better with them than she does her kin! Thomas mentioned that a new teacher was in the area, a Mr. Arthur Lewis. I told him that maybe we should do a bit of matchmaking as Thomas also informed me that he's an odd duck. He is constantly reading and in various states of daydreaming. I said to Thomas that it sounds like it could be a match if their imaginary worlds were to align. Thomas was not as keen on this idea as he should've been, but I do believe I have a new determination.

Your beloved sister,

Mary

[wolfiafuntime]

A series of Great Dane pictures that I drew bc I couldn't draw them and some of my OCs have some

Here is my first attempt at drawing a Great Dane. The head is a bit awkward, the paws are a bit derpy, and I completely forgot to color in the eyes, so she's blind. I decided to name her Stormi. You'll get why in a few pictures. She took me 53 minutes to draw.

Here's my second image, which has some lighting. That weird but of lighting you see at the doggo's chest was supposed to be on the nose, but I clicked the wrong button, compacted the layers, and then saved all before I realized that I clicked the wrong button, so the mistake is irreversible now. Thankfully, the doggo's not blind like Stormi is. I decided to name this one Tank, as I imagine him to be bigger than your average Great Dane. The image took me 40 minutes to draw.

Here is where my drawings get gud. The eyes are a bit goofy, but considering the fact that I've always struggled with drawing eyes, I'm not surprised. Her muzzle looks a bit broken, but I like to think that she was born with something that makes it a bit weird. I forget what it's called, but I remember seeing a few doggos with this condition. I decided to name this one Cloudi, because her fur pattern reminds me of clouds. And yes, I've decided to make her the sister of Stormi. This took me 51 minutes to draw.

Here we have Fabled, who I'm currently the proudest of drawing. As you can see, there's some lazily-drawn grass in this image, and that's because the website I've gotten all the picture bases from had the doggo laying in some grass and I didn't know what to do other than include it. She took me 50 minutes to draw.

Yet another Great Dane in lazily-drawn grass, and the picture's this way for the same exact reason as the previous picture. His eyes are colored in, but I forgot to add the pupils, so I don't know if he's blind or not. I kinda wanna make him blind in one eye, that way he'll be more like the person I'm naming him after: Odin. He took me 37 minutes to draw, which is a big improvement. I've always been a quick drawer when I know what I'm doing, and I guess I learned what I needed to after Fabled. But I decided to keep on drawing some doggos, so you've got four more pictures to see.

Here's doggo number six, who I'm naming Scrappy, for no other reason than he gives me scrappy vibes. His eyes are goofy like all the others, but oh well. Scrappy's front left leg looks weird, and I think it's because I misjudged a shadow when I was looking at the base image. Scrappy here took me 23 minutes to draw, and I'm even happier that I managed to shave ten minutes off, and put it with the other twenty.

Here we have twin doggos, Comet and Rocket. I named them so because the white patches of fur on their chest reminds me of stars, but 'Star' and 'Stella' are manly enough for these dudes. Comet is the doggo on the left; the one looking off to the side. And Rocket is to doggo giving the deadpanned stare to the human off-screen. The both of them combined took me 38 minutes to draw.

Here's Loki, who gained his name for the sheer amount of mischief he's got in his eyes. Like, seriously, you cannot tell me that this doggo wasn't just drinking out of a toilet that he somehow figured out how to open. He took me 28 minutes to draw, which is a bit saddening because this is the least amount of doggo that I've drawn yet!

And finally, we have Toby. I forgot his pupils yet again. And despite the fact that Toby is our tenth doggo, the paws are still bad. Toby here took me 27 minutes to draw, and I don't really have much input for him. I imagine him to be your standard playful doggo, so yeah.

And those are my ten doggos! Sadly, none of them are up for adoption, as they all belong to happy homes. Altogether, they took me 5 hours and 51 minutes to draw, over the course of multiple days, because I'm lazy. Thankfully, these energetic bois and gurls live with some energetic people.