#that foster home episode fucked me up so bad

[snifsnoof]

doodle requests you say?

maybe some mysterion and karen? i love them so much

you know the tiktok sound

i love them sm i was legit just sobbing while drawing karen😭😭😭 sorry if this looks a bit rushed, im a busy bee atm😨

[ninyard]

Nicky: yeah he slept with a chair in his room and a knife nearby so we think he’s just insane

Neil: ……

No but rlly, no matter how you feel about Nicky, on one hand I am an outside observer so reading this exchange I’m like “oh ffs obviously that’s not why! That makes no sense!” But then I think about it more and it’s actually probably really realistic? Nicky doesn’t know what andrew went through, he probably didn’t think his life in foster care was that bad, that kind of abuse just isn’t on his radar bc he’s had different experiences and exposures, so the possibility of anything else just doesn’t cross his mind, plus he’s already biased to think andrew is just naturally “like that” bc that’s the assumption he’s already been operating under, plus the natural inclination of ppl to not want to see awful things. It makes sense for him and Aaron that that’s the conclusion they come to, and that makes me so mad at the world for reasons I can’t quite articulate

Sorry for hitting you with this out of nowhere I actually meant to say something else but idr what bc I clicked the ask button and this is what came out instead xD

Oh 100%. I GET it. I understand why everyone has this perception of Andrew that he’s, in their own words, a monster. That he’s a loveless, emotionless sociopath. Imagine Aaron, excited to meet the twin he didn’t even know he had, and the first thing he says to you is fuck off, fuck you, leave me the fuck alone?

Imagine you meet the cousin you didn’t even know you had, and for some reason you don’t know about, he’s been in your house for how long? He’s been there for how long before he’s made an enemy out of your father, out of your aunt, he won’t talk to the cousin you did know about, he’s angry and depressed and he keeps knives under these arm bands he refuses to take off? He’s like Aaron in a different shade, like the dark version of a person already dark and destroyed. But he won’t talk to you. Why won’t you talk to us, Andrew? And all you get in response is a knife, or a blank stare, or a fuck off, fuck you, leave me the fuck alone?

Then your aunt is dead, and he’s alive, and the cousin you did know about is grieving and angry, and you, Nicky, who has fought so hard to keep the peace in your household, are now surrounded by negativity, and anger, and past problems that nobody fucking wants to deal with?

I get it.

Then they’re at Eden’s, and he hears it over his shoulder, the shouted slur. And then Andrew, who barely even talks to him anyway when they’re out drinking is on top of this stranger in a flash. And there’s blood, and the stranger stops fighting back. But Andrew’s fists keep coming back, and keep coming back, and keep coming back.

He nearly kills him. He nearly kills him. He nearly kills him. For you. Because you don’t know that he’s gay. You don’t know the weight of the word shouted your way. He’s protecting you. He’s protecting you.

You’re scared of him. He gets locked up. Whatever the timeline is pre-tfc. You’re scared of the cousin you didn’t know you had.

I get it.

But imagine being Andrew. They don’t ask what happened. They take the courts word for it when they say you’re a danger to society. They take the courts word for it when they say your depressive episodes are a danger to yourself. You tried. You tried to tell someone, but it’s a misunderstanding, and god’s intention, and your fault. So why bother trying again?

You spend all this time on this medication that makes you feel worse than anything you’ve ever been on - you spend years of your life in this haze, a mixture derealisation and constant and unending mania. You’re sick without it. You’re sick on it. You don’t remember who you are without it. You don’t want to know who you will be without it.

And imagine being Andrew, and it takes being violated in your cousins childhood bedroom, or just a room in his childhood home, for them to finally get it? Your autonomy stolen from you. Your secrets exposed without permission, again. Your consent is never your own choice. It never has been.

Oh and then let’s think about Nicky. And all that’s in his head is ANDREW IS WORSE WITHOUT HIS MEDS.

Maybe he hears the laugh from the bottom of the stairs. Maybe he only hears Neil talking about it. ANDREW WAS LAUGHING. HE WAS LAUGHING. HE WAS VIOLATED AND DESTROYED AND COVERED IN BLOOD AND HE WAS LAUGHING.

And this has happened before?

And Drake was not the only one?

Does it make sense now?

Is he a sociopath or was he made to be that way? Is he crazy or was this someone else’s fault? Does he protect his family because nobody protected him?

Why didn’t he tell me? Why did this happen under the roof of my family home?

In theory I hate how they don’t know what Andrew is really like. How they’re afraid of him off his meds. But it makes sense why. I get it. Why the fuck would they not think that?

But I think they understand how wrong they were eventually. I think they see how he might not smile anymore - but he is much happier now.

[hermanunworthy]

!DNDADS S2 EP46 SPOILERS!

im getting to listen to this right as it drops. and frankly. i am TERRIFIED. ive heard about Bad Things Coming and i fear this episode may kill me. pray for me guys

- WTF DOES THIS TITLE MEAN. WHY LINCOLN

- NO ONE WILL DIE THIS EPISODE #AFFIRM

- MATT. NOT THE TIME.

- THE CLUSSY???

- WILL BEING AN ADAMANT CASS DEFENDER. U ARE SO REAL MAN

- I HATE LISTENING TO THIS AT HOME IM LAUGHING TOO LOUD ALREADY

- THE MOANING. QUIT IT ALREADY IM GONNA CRY

- SCAMSTER ORIGIN STORY WTF????

- we already knew this. but. evil. they are so silly and awful

- 3/4 NOOOO I WAS HOPING FOR HERMIE DAD ARC..... but ofc were not gonna get it

- NOT WILL GETTING EXCITED ABOUT ACTUALLY FIGHTING TAYLOR. FUCK

- SWIFTLI AND NORMSCARY YESSS

- WILL WHAT IS THIS VOICE UR DOING

- the fact that theyre not remembering hermie as the actual next in line is killing me im ngl

- FREDDIE RANDOMLY MAKING NPCS W DUDEBRO VOICES IS MY FAVE THING

- MATTS LAUGH WHEN HE ROLLED THAT NAT1. GOD I FELT THAT IN MY SOUL

- OH *ABRAHAM* LINCOLN??? IS THAT WHO THE TITLE IS REFERRING TO 😭

- WTF IS THIS EPISODEEEE I KNEW THEYD DO SOME CRAZY DUMB SHIT TO GET OUT OF TJIS

- HERMIE HERMIE HEMRIE

- WHY ARE U ONLY JUST NOW REMEMEBRING HERMIE

- ISTG IF THAT IS HERMIES ONE ONLY LINE THE WHOLE WPISODE IM GONNA KILL

- NOT TAYLOR INHERITING THE CLOSE FIGHT BETTING INSTINCTS

- FIND JODIE????? IM GONNA DIE

- hang on hold up. breakfast break

- ANTHONY "BC HE PUNCHED U REALLY HARD" "YEAH FUCKED UP RIGHT??" IM CRYING

- WHAT IS THE FANART FOR THIS FIGHT GONNA BE LIKE.

- NORMALS IN DEATH SAVES NOOOO

- "HIM LOOKING BACK ON HIS LIFE, HIM GETTING DUNKED ON 24/7" STOP IT WILL STOP IT I DONT NEED THIS RN

- oakicks nation were winning ig

- "THATS BRISK BABY" SCREAMING

- SO THE JEZZBALL WASNT BC OF HENRY.... ☹️

- NO NO NO PLZ DONT HURT NORMAL MORE

- PLZ IM SO STRESSED I NEED NORMAL TO BE SAFE

- MATT IS JUST SO UNHINGED THIS EP

- IS LINK GONNA KILL SHMEGAN???

- RON IS STILL HERE???

- TAYLOR IS SO USELESS NOW HELPPP

- THIS EPISODE IS SO DUMBBBB

- NOT ANOTHER EXPLODING HEAD DEATH

- NORMAL IS OKAY!!!!

- HE LOST HIS MUSTACHE LMAOOO

- david lovesatan will NEVER be jodie foster >:[

- NOOOO THEYRE GONNA TAKE DOOD

- SHMEGAN IS DEAD

- NORMALS GONNA GET FUCKING HIT AGAINNNNN I CANT DO THIS

- DOOD UNLEASHED?????

- THIS IS DOODS 100% EXPLOSION FOR ALL MY FELLOW MP100 FANS OUT THERE

- .....is it too early to say that this episode is NOT as bad as i feared

- bc i seriously thought henry would be coming back and shit would happen w hermie and it would be super awful evil but ig thats NEXT episode. god

- TY BETH FOR REMEMBERING HERMIE 🙏🙏

- WHERE ARE THEY???

- okay fbi office okay..... okay....

- WHAT???? HERMIE?????? WHAT

- WHAT

- WHAT

- AM I GONNA GET SOME AWFUL HERMIE CLIFFHANGER. I WILL KMS

- WHY IS HERMIE CHOKING WHAT

- WHY IS HERMIE BLEEDING OUT?????

- IF HERMIE DIES I WILL DIE. DONT DO THIS TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING

- HERMIE GOT SHOT

- OH GOD OH NO

- ANTHONY. COME ON.

- HERMIES CALLING OUT FOR FUCKING NORMAL??????

- WHAT THE FUCK

- PLZ DONT KILL HERMIE PLZ

- NO

- GUYS.

- GUYS

- IM GONNA KMS

- HERMIE IS DEAD.

- HERMIE LIKES NORMAL BACK AND HERMIE IS DEAD.

- guys im done

- i literally cant even process this i cant even cry yet im just

[thatruerealmwalker]

Crawls out of a hole in your wall

GET MAGICAL GIRL'ED MOTHER FUCKER!

"Despite it all, This Empty Shell still Remains." -Pre Acceptance Quote

"Within this Hollow Heart, Love Still Remains!" -Post Acceptance Quote

This is Claire Taker, a new OC I've made! And let me tell you- the origins of the OC is fucking weird.

This tainwreck of a Lady came about because I was reading @zoeywinterrose's smiling critter fanfic on A03 (which you can check out HERE), started letting THE VOICES speak through me, eventually pulled out the original story I have and made the Caretaker seen there into a fully realized character in my story (get it? Claire Taker?), told them so, found each other on tumblr, because friends(?), and they maybe sort of said yes when I said I was gonna draw the character and make and AU of their AU (in some order there, the progression of events may be off a bit)... I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT TO THIS POINT.

So yeah, I'm gonna be both explaining this character, my own story, and having all that be loosely connected to Poppy Playtime (Again how did I get here?) So the tags are gonna be silly because of that.

Claire Taker is, as said before, a Magical Girl by the name of Heart Hollow (well Technically Magical Woman, she is pretty old but I prefer saying magical girl)... well the term for in my Canon is a "Blessed" or "Actor"... but those are the official terms, she and the others still use Magical Girl and Magical Boy (because that IS what they are)

And yes! There are both Magical Boys and Girls in this World!

Claire Fights with her Fists and Legs, being a close range brawler, as well as fights with her threads. She uses them in a variety of ways, from creating points to jump, pulling things to her or pulling herself to them, wrapping up targets, or even sometimes using them a whips.

Her Threads are also capable of Stitching people back together and healing them! Apparently the world thinks this means she should be one of the few to get constantly injured, needing to reattach her limbs in the middle of fights sometimes! (or it could be seen as caused by her low self worth as well). I mean look at all of those scars! And those are just the ones she couldn't fully heal for different reasons, she gets hurt alot! ("Better then letting one the kids take the hit" she would say)

Her mental health isn't the best, but it gets really bad when she is alone- Luckily, she's gained the trust of the Parents of the three kid members of Her group to look after them while their at work- as well as fostering the teens when they need somewhere private to hand out. (Her home is like one of 2 unofficial team bases)

At this point, almost everyone who isn't an adult (and two who are like 18-19) calls her Auntie- which she is still getting used too.

After finally getting into a far more okay mindset, she takes to jogging and exercise in her free time. She even helps the younger of the team practice fighting forms and working out when they train at all.

She actually owns a good few properties thanks to her parents- and after her depression weakened she put them up for rent. After a while (and learning how to duplicate cash with Starlight from the group's resident self appointed "Chaotic Gremlin") she was able to start getting a good amount of cash saved up for when the group needs a break or wants to go somewhere fun- (The cost is usually split between her and the other full Adult in the group most of the time).

She still has episodes where her is very not okay (like panic attacks or just bad thoughts)- but it never gets to the point where she feels like hurting herself at all anymore. It helps that one of the kids, the team's unofficial mascot, lets himself be her comfort animal when she has these episodes (and while he hates to admit it, he does enjoy her hugs)

That's all for now! If your interest in more of this original story, let me know!.. Though it probably won't be tagged under Smiling critters next... unless I make William apart of this then it will!

A full view of her plot is down below if your interested in that as well- Anyways thanks for reading this and maybe what lies below, and I hoped this sparked your interest/was a fun read all the same! I think I got an AU to write now!

Claire Taker's Story:

(Content Warning! This gets a bit dark!)

Claire Taker used to be a Person of Joy, living life as Happy as any other- even had Children she cherished most dearly... however one day- in a series of events, Claire loses her kids, be it an Accident or something far worse. Believing herself to be solely at fault, she shut down, remaining within her home and rarely leaving. At first those closest to them attempt to help, as it does, even if She rarely talked or interacted. Just being with others helped to keep her afloat...

But she was abandoned- left alone... and that is what sealed her fate. For a long time- years, close to Ten even, she drowned. She lost her smile, her kindness, her emotions, her Love. She tried, and try she did to get better... but she still drowned all the same.

She made many half attempts on her life- and the one time she fully went through with it- she only lived because she forgot to turn off the Safety on the Gun. This attempt was on the day, when she was so close to pulling herself back together that she was reminded of her kids- undoing all the work she did to get better at a single moment (one the prolonged her deep depression for a few more years-)

Eventually, upon one better day Claire spent shopping with a local mall for much needed supplies for her bare home, a Star fell from the Sky and landed nearby. From it formed a Matrix, and Starlight Leaked into the world. The pure, unfiltered and uncontrolled Starlight, the Blood of Creation, tainted the area in its presence, and Claire. The Building Creaked and Groaned as Starlight lashed into the populace surrounding. Many ran as the structure began to collapse around them...

And Yet Claire stepped forward, Drawn in by the Star.

Even while her body warped, as fur sprouted from her skin and monstrous claws ripped out from between her fingers. As her bones cracked and shattered before being reformed. As the demented whispers that long accompanied her gained form, breaking out from Claire's back and ripping into her flesh-

She reached the center, Where the Fallen Star has landed and with her last bit of strength before she became tainted under Starlight, reached out and touched the Glowing Star within the Epicenter-

And Starlight gathered and condensed, leaving her body, the surrounding air, and returning herself from the Monstrous form it was trying to become- And within her hands laid her Matrix, a Softly glowing heart floating between her palms.

A Stranger came to her one day, and promised her he would grant her most wanted wish "To return your children to you" in exchange for gathering as much Starlight she could.

She, like many other Actors, believed his word, and walked forward with a long lost flame in her eyes, ready to do Anything to get her children back.

Even after learning there was others like her (most of them teenagers or young adults), even after learning that many of the monsters she is fighting against and killed to gather Starlight (the Tainted or Cursed) were once people, even after she learned that should she actually get her wish- she would have to kill the other Blessed and steal their Starlight- She continued on.

It was only when the Three Children amongst the Blessed stood against her to protect their older peers then she questioned if what she was doing was worth it- if ignoring the signs that something was wrong was worth it- if her once beloved children would accept being brought back through the blood of others- if she could really kill these three if it was required of her.

It was from there, after giving up and fleeing that she changed from an antagonist to a protector akin to Tuxedo Mask for the Blessed- more so the Three kids that fought in this battle than the other Blessed.

It was here that Claire was taught how to tell if a Cursed was made from a person, animal, or object/fully made from Starlight as well as how to defeat the Tainted without killing the Person or Creature within. She learned that gathering Starlight is unneeded, and should she continue to gather Starlight like she has- she would only overwhelm her Matrix and become a Cursed herself. She learned how to truly use Starlight, how to prevent herself from Tainting someone on accident, and how to dispose of unneeded Starlight safely.

She was slowly pulled into the Group, being one of the Few Actors to listen and stop the senseless fighting between them. Even when she fell and broke, these Bright Souls dragged Claire along, taking her on their group adventures away from the Magic within their lives. Exploring the town, eating at an Café, enjoying the park. Slowly but surely, she became apart of this group, of the team who fought against the darkness that surrounded them.

The rest of the Blessed, especially the younger of them, started to call Claire 'Auntie'.

However, there was one final truth all of them avoided telling Claire, the final Lie told to Claire about the situation, even if in the depths of her heart she knew the answer herself yet feared to speak it aloud in vain hope for it not to be true.

That there was no Wish- That it was the ploy of The Man who Thought Himself God to either gather followers and resources or spark war between those who could threaten his goals and attempt to turn them into monsters- a Truth that they all knew could break Claire, steal her reason for continuing to live, to stand up tall.

They were going to, right after they handled this newest Tainted... but The Man who Thought Himself God appeared near the battles end... and with a smile, knowing Claire's history of mental health, and the reasons for it, held her by the throat while floating in the air, while Claire thrashed and fought with all of her might, while her allies called out in fear and rushed to save her, whispered in her Ear- "I lied~ There is no Wish, no reversing your most heinous Sin. Your children will never come back- for you killed them. They are gone and you killed them."

Claire SHATTERED then and there. Once again all of the work she put into getting better, doing better shattered- and as The Man who Thought Himself God threw her from high above towards the ground- Starlight, once Shining, became fully black- And the Blessed became Cursed under the weight of Despair-

Mother Gospel: The Harbinger of Mourning was born- as so her fellow Blessed fought, and after a long an almost lethal fight, where the extent of Claire's grief and broken heart was bared to the world, the ones who claimed her as their own, with all they had, ripped Claire out of her Depression made Manifest, and saved her from her fate.

Amongst the broken building, Claire laid as her Heart, once healing, was now torn apart once more as she cried tears of sorrow... and then she was hugged by the most youngest of them... then the other children joined in, all crying and making sure their Auntie was okay. The older kids of the Group joined in as well, despite two having to be dragged within. And even the young adults sat nearby and showed their love for Claire-

And that was what it was- Claire was LOVED, and she could Love in return. She was not Alone anymore, and so the dam burst within her and she cried and screamed and hugged back as sadness and joy danced within her. Her Hollow Heart had become not so Hollow anymore.

It took time, but somewhat soon Claire stood, still in mourning of her lost children, still not fully okay, but she could finally move on, she could finally live with those who saved her from that Sea that engulfed her and gave her warmth and belonging.

And so she fought, and even now fights, against those that would bring about the horrors she went through upon to others with the family formed under the Light of the Stars.

[sirenoma]

I continued watching Foster's Home, and currently stopped at episode 10 of the second season (I will watch the next episodes of course).

Remember when I said the authors realize what they do, how they do it, what limits they have and what limits they can get around? Well, at the beginning of this season, they went wild. The candy drug allusion, the Big Lebowski (one of the episode named as "The Big Lablooski") and Donald Trump reference, fucking Bendy, Cheese (I expected worse, but overall he's just silly, nothing more) and THE SIXTH EPISODE OF SECOND SEASON - THIS IS JUST THE PICK.

It's the exact moment when you realize that the writers of the cartoon are trolls, and squeeze so much Spanish embarrassment out of a common misunderstanding, so much cringe, that it was definitely purposeful to have exactly those emotions in the viewer.

Plot of this episode is simple: Frankie thanks Mac at the beginning of the episode for his help with the paperwork at Foster's Home, and goes on friday night with her friends.

By the way, this is the episode with the two beautiful and atypical Frenky's looks.

This is simple and hot tho, I understand why everybody likes draw her like that on artworks.

Mac, on the other hand, takes the thanks as a love compliment, and the next day Frankie says she fell in love with the guy (of course it's not Mac or Blue, or other two appearing characters, this is an other guy, that's probably understandable, but I'd like to clarify things in this post) last night, and it begins... Basically there's conflict based on the misunderstanding of Frankie's words and "who is the Frankie's boyfriend by the way" between Mac and Blue, and the characters that appears in episode. And then in a middle of episode or near to the end of it - the next location of the episode happens. I wanted to break and blow up a wall of my not so imagination home from Spanish embarrassment while watching this whole episode. It's not bad, it's just... YOU FEEL THAT. You feel like everything's slipping into the wrong place. Authors really captured that feel, when you see stupids who misunderstood things and awkward shit happens.

(when awkward shit happens - I recommend you to wear a heavy armor helmet, example portrayed on this picture, tank is optional, forest isn't necessary)

You thought this episode is gonna be cute or not so cringe? Well FUCK YOU, WE WILL DESTROY YOU IN AND OUTSIDE! This episode is "really goes hard". The authors are geniuses and trolls for making me quite suffer from cringe or feel this ULTRA awkwardness. Good job... I guess?

Maybe I'm just too sensitive for awkward and cringe moments and things in films, cartoons, videogames, media, especially with the characters that I like. Sometimes I realize that I'm somehow sensitive to awkwardness in media, and I start curling up in a bucket because of the cringe. I'm trying to cope with that awkward stuff, and I started successfully to cope with it recently, but this time - cringe beat me.

And that's not bad! It shows that authors know how to make you feel the way they want to, and they can be proud of their job (but cringe is still with me).

So that's why I'm going to continue watching Foster's Home (I would anyway).

[archivalofsins]

Let's talk about Caligula Effect 2 and Milgram again today~ Though this may not make much sense or be hard to follow. Because still sick so I'm just typing stuff honestly.

I really like Cocoa #QP. She reminds me a lot of Mahiru. I've also finished Doktor's fight. To be fair I might have been a bit over leveled for it. So, he went down pretty easy. Yet, that's not the only reason I'm here.

I'm actually here to discuss how people put themselves and others into boxes and how that's impacted Milgram. This is something discussed over the course of Gin Noto's character story. Mostly showcasing how sometimes not having an exact box to fit into can cause a person emotional distress or to feel alienated.

There's discussion to be had around how labels and boxes are a way for some to foster not only a sense of community but a sense of self. Tangent I feel that this is why Caligula Effect 2 is very hit and miss for me because most of the lessons in it are things I already know. Plus, the narrative can be a bit more on the nose and leading than it was in the first game.

Something that makes a bit of sense consider how the first one was received. However, I tend to like the first games and Milgram's way of letting the audience draw it's own conclusions. Being put in a position where one has to think for themselves, and they only have themselves to blame for the conclusions they've drawn is far more invigorating to me then having everything spelled out for me. All nice and neat.

Yet, even though Caligula Effect 2 is very heavy handed in my opinion and this makes the characters rather grating in certain areas. There were still things that I feel went over a lot of people's head. That I feel Yamanaka is striving to hone in on through Milgram.

That thing being bias and idolization. Because the player is with the Go Home Club and those are the characters who the player gets to know through character episodes the audience leaves Caligula Effect 2 feeling more sympathetic for the Go Home Club members while it's far easier to ostracize and other the musicians.

The Go Home Club members direct parallels. Even easier for one to downplay how the Go Home Club members threat these other people within the narrative because through playing you learn more about these characters and feel as though you have adequate explanations for their behavior and the times they do end up lashing out.

The Go Home Club members end up lashing out a lot. In very unjustified ways where it's clear that they are taking out anger they hold towards themselves and their own personal situations out on the musicians. Hell Kiriko, flat out admits she did this to the second musician we fight. The only redeemable thing in that encounter is the fact that Kiriko and Pandora are doing the same thing in that instance projecting personal issues on the other party.

However, this continues to be a consistent issue the Go Home Club Members have when encountering the musicians moving forward. The most egregious examples of this being Mu-kun and Gin Noto in my opinion because Gin just hates on this guy and trash talks all his dreams when the dude is genuinely curious about why we want to leave.

Something not really fixed in my opinion by the implication that Gin was a fan of their music or them later. Like the treatment Mu-kun faces is so undeserved that the plot literally pulls a Deus Ex Machina to have him forget the last seven days entirely. Because he's still rightfully mad and doesn't give a fuck about Gin's apology after everything that occurred.

Because people don't need to be nice to you after you take all your personal frustrations out on them. Turning this whole ass other person with feelings into an object for you to release your hate and anger out on for a cheap bit of a catharsis is dick behavior and no one has to accept and I'm sorry about that after it's done to them. Just because someone is having a bad time doesn't mean it's okay for them to make someone else's time bad.

Yet, this isn't really something I've heard discussed when it comes to Caligula Effect 2. No one has gone yeah that was a very rude way for them to consistently treat the musicians. In fact I've been streaming it and most of the stream I've been a bit on edge because I've been seeing these assholes do asshole things. Yet, I keep being told there will be something that will excuse it later you'll find out why it was actually okay they treated people like this later.

While every part of me is like yeah I don't think there's much that excuses this behavior. I don't think there's one damn infallible reason to treat another person struggling with their own things the way I've seen these people treat others. While the game is completely showcasing that it is not okay to treat others like this regardless of what you have going on.

Through characters like Sasara, Shota, and literally how most of the group reacts to Gin's behavior in the planetarium with the same distaste and drawing of attention to the change in attitude that was shown towards Mifue's behavior during the Sweet-P incident. Like why are you so mad this isn't like you.

Yet, again because people have grown to know these characters through playing the game benefit of the doubt is immediately extended to them and a us vs them mindset is formed. Giving off this feeling of how could you be sympathizing with the musicians. How could you feel this treatment is out of place? I mean it kind of is but they have their reasons.

Cool what if those reasons don't justify in anyway how they treat others and by extension themselves to me? What if it is my personal belief that regardless of what goes on in someone's life they shouldn't make whipping boys out of themselves and those around them. What if childishly I believe living this way is unhealthy and unproductive? What if it's not excusable to me to deny yourself and those around you happiness simply because you've taught yourself to hate yourself without measure for one reason or another.

What if for as much as I understand where the mentality is coming from I'm at a point where I recognize that is not an excuse for how that mentality impacted others and at points could have done irreversible harm if someone didn't intervene? Which it gets to that point a few times actually.

Well, that's when the bias that Caligula Effect 2 seeks to highlight comes in. This is highlighted first through the glorification and idolizations of the original go home club and μ by X. What can a person defend just because they have a good relationship with someone. Just because they're someone's kid. How willing are they to assume the worst of everyone around them because everybody is someone pulling down the name of their favorite person.

Is enough for them to not care for humans without even knowing much about them? Is it enough for them to break into someone's else's mundane everyday- Dragging that person back to reality because they need the help. Because they need to prove mom didn't cause this and the mean humans need to stop blaming her for everything. How much is it worth to crush someone else's dream? How far are people willing to go to get what they want and does it matter what they do to get there? Do the ends justify the means?

Possessing someone else's body without warning making it so if the one did that were to die that person would die too. None of that matters. Talking all this good shit about people she doesn't even know lauding them on high just because of what mommy told you. The first go home club members were good people- That's a funny thing to just say without any firsthand knowledge. Mommy said so and that's enough? She doesn't even know these heroes that saved the world and showed her mom the error of her ways or what it took to get to that point.

Yet, X created this silly fairy tale of grandeur and good intentions. How childish and gross. I hope she grows up one day~ Then we get to the root of the issue with Doktor-

"I'd care more about one of you being sad than a bunch of humans I barely know."

Ingroup bias. Or basic favoritism. People are more likely to be kinder to those they view as being on their side and do more for those they view as emotionally important. Sound familiar-

"“Throw down”, someone’s value cannot be the same as another. “Throw down” should choose between superiority or inferiority."

This person is more important simply because I will it to be so. I think it therefore it is. I feel that they're more important therefore they are. Of course they had their reason for behaving in this way. I know this person well enough to say it was justified. I know them well enough to know they're good/can be good.

I don't want to questions if they've just been good to me, if they could be wrong, if someone could be a victim to them. Because that would mean I don't know a good person when I see one that would mean I could be bias. That would mean I could forgive something unforgivable if it was just attached to a person I liked- Oh, well that's just Milgram isn't it?

That's just like Milgram except instead of holding your hand to that conclusion Yamanaka is watching you leap towards it willingly this time. Because bias hurts. Bias is inherently unempathetic. Because bias will always create an us against them scenario. A Go Home Club in oppossition to musicians. It's much easier for the human brain to frame those in direct oppossition to them as wrong regardless of how polite they're being about it. Regardless of if they're about to be physically assaulted in front of you. Hell even if they were on your own side but it turns out cutting them down happens to be an easier way to your goal.

It came up in one that we were crushing peoples dreams. That there were people who could only get their happiness in Mobius. That there were possibly hundreds of thousands of people who could not do the things they could do within here in the real world. Without much pause and completely recognizing this was the case the first go home club continued forward with what they wanted. Because the only thing worth crushing another's dreams is a dream of one's own. Fact is if anyone wants to go home they have to come to terms with the fact that the dreams of some of these people are things that are absolutely impossible in reality.

That sort of person would have to constantly spit in the faces of those who may want to stay here to do that. Spit in the faces of the people this world was made for even. Never once discussing how easy it is to face reality when a person has one to go back to at all and never touching on the people who may not. At least as far as I know right now that's not happening but it might. Again in one we talk about this tentatively and the go home club feels bad but ultimately decides to leave because it's what they want to do. However, their is recognition of our own desires conflicting with and ruining the wishes of others.

Because virtual or real the reality is when it comes to the wishes of others someone is always getting the short end of the stick. Because not everyone's wishes can come true. Sometimes one person's wish conflicts with another's. Because of this there can never be a world without regrets. Because sometimes one person's happiness can be another persons misfortune. That can be a regret in itself.

Yet, that doesn't mean we shouldn't strive towards what will make us happy. Just because things are like that doesn't give anyone the right to step on others and end their lives just because they were having such a hard time. That's not fair, that isn't right. Everyone is having a hard time what makes this hard time so different from anyone else's? What makes it forgivable.

The only thing that does is that feeling in people's chest that tells them that they know this person. That there's good in this person that they have their reasons. The reasons they've projected on them, the reasons they can sympathize with, the reasons that make it all make sense in their book. Yet, those reason come at the expense of someone else's good name, someone else's life. It comes at the expense of dehumanizing someone in the worst way making them out to be a problem that needed solving instead of a person that was deserving of the exact same consideration being shown to the people that hurt them.

No one is above bias and that's why sin isn't easy. Milgram shouldn't be easy. It's not meant to be easy. People aren't easy- Relationships not only to individuals but groups aren't easy. Because easy things are painful. Easy things ignore the intricacies of a situation that people are usually suffering under.

Easy puts the fault on individuals instead of systems. Easy says the Go Home Club Members and the Milgram characters had to repond how they did because life was hard on them. They didn't have a choice. Conveniently without ever touching on why life was hard, if it had to be, who made it that way, the services and systems that failed these people over and over. Because why change the way things have always been when one can just put it on the individual to save themselves and choose whether or not that's forgivable or not later. Why think about it any harder when we can wait for a crime to happen and then administer the punishment?

Let's keep it simple. Sure they couldn't hack in their environment but others could so they're the odd ones here. Let's just have the punishment fit the crime and if I can forgive I can forgive. No need to think more deeply of it. That's how this has always worked. That's how Milgram is. It's how people are giving excuses to those they biasely like and having no mercy for those they don't. Be more bias because that's the best way to make it hurt more.

None of this is meant to be easy. Honestly, if it is for anyone then chances are they just haven't thought about it enough. Because bias isn't all fun and games. When a person is bias the only thing that comes from it is pain regardless of how positively or negatively they view someone/something. There are boxes and there are cages bias is a cage that doesn't help anyone.

[bitchapalooza]

OKAY SO I OFFICIALLY FINISHED CH SEASON 3

Spoilers obviously

Okay good, Marry WAS written to be the way I thought she was(kinda but I was right).

I’m sad that Cloney Island was only one episode. Would’ve been nice to have a 2 part season finale, especially with the abrupt way Cleo and Frida were pushed back together— realistic for teenagers, especially a dramatized version of teenagers, but still would’ve been nice to see them fight a bit more, give sad longing glances over their shoulders after turning away, and then build that up to the climax of the episode where they make up in true sappy teen drama fashion that would be very in character for them both in the first place.

Aaaaaaaand Abe and Joan triangle once again but this time with Confucius! Wow! I am still not rooting for JoanAbe lmao, I think Joan and Confucius have way more chemistry than even Joanfk did. They seemed to have a lot of fun together.

Harriet and JFK… I still can’t see them working. I’m sorry. My new impression of Harriet is she’s one of those jealous types. A home wrecker and a cheater even. She just assumed she and Confucius were back together without asking, telling me that she’s definitely a bit of a control freak or definitely very impulsive(ocd possibly? Someone with more knowledge do an analysis, my basic level knowledge isn’t enough or factually sound). I honestly used to adore Harriet’s character, her annoying personality was passable enough to grow on me. But now it’s just insufferable. I mean I still love her character, but not really in the I adore her way, just that I wanna continue to see her fuck things up and see how much drama she can cause. And how her and JFK’s relationship will be ruined because I genuinely want it to be ruined because there’s really no substance behind it, just raging teenage hormones and the threat of imminent death.

I do genuinely feel bad for Scudworth but I for the love fuck cannot remember his ex-lover’s name. But I do hope Scud gets to see her again and they can actually be together in peace. They seemed nice together! I thought it was really cute, Scud was actually getting a win this time.

Uh Topher— or should we call him Christopher now?— being proud of his Clone lineage because some guests liked him was actually amazing in that I want a list of those people to avoid them which could be easy because they most likely were some of the January 6th capital rioters, that’s the only conclusion I can come up with that summarizes my entire assumption about those, uh, “fans”. But I guess it’s good he’s accepting who he’s been cloned from? Question mark? I’m scared of the micro aggressions to come. Someone contact his therapist that may or may not be Scudworth in a wig in the first place, I’m a little scared.

If season 4 is greenlit, if not already that is, I hope Gandhi gets to come back. There were several good call backs to him, especially how Scudworth inexplicably had several of his belongings in his possession? Sir what the fuck.

AND MY GOD THE F-BOMBS WHERE SO OVER DONE BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT IN A BAD WAY. They were perfectly balanced in my opinion and combined with the delivery of each Fuck combined with each Shit and every other curse mentioned, it was perfect. Compare it to either H/zben H/tel + h/lluva b/ss or Rick and Morty and you’ve actually got a script that although littered with curses, doesn’t rely on those curses to make the show funny. The fact each profanity wasn’t always expected coupled with the delivery is what made it good AND natural, not forced. Scudworth’s FUCK in season 2 walked so everyone’s FUCK AND SHIT in season 3 could run like fr.

I’m sad Cleo’s back with her terrible foster mom. I don’t like Frida’s foster dad. Having a sweater with your daughter’s face on it is….. strange. Confucius’ are kind of as I expected, but tbh I still say they’re fostering him for the publicity and check. Skunky Poo’s return was disturbing which seemed to be on purpose. I think I saw Van Gogh with two dads in the background and I’m only saying this because tbh I think he deserves two moms instead lmao, give this boy his two moms.

Abe this season felt like an in between of season 1 and 2 but mostly still s2. But I did love his interactions with JFK and Confucius. Especially JFK. And how fucking casual JFK essentially came out as bisexual lmao. All in all, these two were fucking hilarious this season. But yeah uh Abe is a toxic asshole by the way but we all knew that and honestly that’s why I love him and if Joanabe really IS endgame, I can cope with the fact that these two are highly likely to marry after graduation and divorce several years later, they’re terrible for each other.

I think this season was a lot better, which makes sense with what seemed like was a bigger budget. The animation actually looked a little different, not bad different but good different, much smoother??? I may have to go back and rewatch season 2, but right off the bat s3 animation really felt different, it felt more alive in a way and I really loved it. I hope we get a season 4 fr. And I hope it’s the final season, I cannot see it getting a s5 UNLESS it’s a parody/joke to how most shows these days keep stacking on the seasons without any heartfelt material in it (*cough* supernatural and the simpsons and bobs burger *cough* *cough*)

[super-hero-confessions]

Thor means more to me than any other film ever made, and nothing else will come close.

I grew up in a house with eleven biological siblings and six foster siblings and our parents withheld affection from us most of the time because they saw children as a duty to the church and not a blessing, per se. They thought showing us love would turn us soft once we grew up. Needless to say, it fucked up up really bad.

Some of us would sneak into my oldest sister's bedroom after our parents and younger sibs went to sleep, where she had an old tv and dvd player hooked up in her closet. She only had the first Thor movie and a few old sitcom episodes, so naturally we watched Thor like three times a week for most of my adolescence, until she left the home at 18.

Two of my brothers and I moved in with her once we all reached 18, and Thor was the first thing we watched. Whenever I feel afraid of something or anxious, I'll watch it and go back to those precious few times in my sister's walk-in closet huddled around a shitty tv watching Thor and Loki, where I at least felt loved by my siblings.

[cosmo-watches-movies]

Gallowglass (1993)

Triggerwarning: Suicide, Physical Abuse, Violence

Summary: Joe (Michael Sheen) was just released from a mental hospital but his foster parents wont take him back home. Desperate and having nowhere to go he attemps to commit suicide but is saved last minute by Sandor (Paul Rhys). Joe is now devoted to his saviour, who uses this to his advantage by further manipulating Joe up to the point where he aggrees to help kidnap a young woman.

Spoilers beyond this

Starting off with a punch in the gut (litterally)

Found this a bit uncomfortable to watch. Not necessarily because its bad, but because is portrays a very abusive relationship between Sandor and Joe. It’s proper fucked up, so that is kinda the point. Joe is almost obsessed with Sandor, constantly excusing his horrible behaviour and actions. You very much believe that Joe would do anything for him. It’s genuinely scary to watch.

Sandor saves Joe

After they successfully kidnap the young woman they where after it turns out Sandor isn’t after a ransom, but is in love with her and wants to free her from her (as he thinks) miserable life. She rejects him which he, after some drama, accepts. However Sandor ends up killing himself the same way Joe tried to earlier, by throwing himself in front of a train. And because he’s a total bastard he does it right in front of Joe. (poor guy can’t catch a break)

Throughout the series are short clips of Joe explaining the events in hindsight This shows a very different aspect of the character it’s almost jarring. But in a good way. You very much get the sense that this whole story scarred him even further, but he also seems more mature and reflected. In the end we see that he might be talking to a therapist (maybe even in a prison?) so I like to think that at some point in his life he manages to set himself free from that past trauma. “Tilly said Sandor was bananas, off the wall, after lunch…there seem to be a lot of words for mad. I told her never to say it. He wasn’t mad, he was just in pain…I know all about that, don’t I?” - fucking shivers down my spine The way he delivered that line, fucking genius. If you dont wanna watch the whole series, watch this one scene it’s so good. (it’s somewhat at the 44 minute mark of episode three)

The performances of the lead actors are way more convincing than I expected, it’s the most interesting part of the whole series imo. Joe starts off already broken and by the end he’s absolutely fucked up. He gets completely corrupted by his saviour to the point of kinda assuming his persona after Sandor died. Thats a pretty interesting dynamic and it left me feeling a bit icky afterwards.

I havent read the book but even with the great performances of the actors something about the story didnt quite capture me. Like the suspense was built up, but the payoff wasnt quite there. Maybe the stakes arent high enough? Idk something about the overall story couldve been pushed a bit more…

Anyway idk if this was Michaels very first time acting in front of a camera, but considering this was very early in his career he did an exeptionally good job. Michael has this way of completely disappearing in his characters its amazing to watch. And it blows my mind that he could do this so well already when he was just like 24 I think?

Joe calls the woman they intend to kidnap "the princess", after a story Sandor told him

His acting combined with Paul Rhys gives a very convincing dynamic. If it wasn’t for them this would’ve been an absolute bore.

Would I recommend watching this? Maybe, If you don’t have a problem going through a few unconfortable scenes and a overall mediocre story. If you absolutely want to see Michael play a very broken, fucked up young man, sure! There’s some good acting in it so at least it isnt boring. Just prepare for violence and some uncomfy stuff.

(Horrible Hair dye job, Sandor)

[ssilentcharlie]

my thoughts on episode 18 as a whole, because i have SO MANY thoughts.

(btw none of this will be coherent because it's 08:30 in the morning and i'm a little pissed off)

!!!SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

the emergency:

10/10. that was SO fucking good. Athena finding Bobby made me tear up because that's what i wanted to happen. having the heart of a champion kid (well, adult now) help save Bobby was amazing. Maddie being all the call and being a massive help despite practically her entire family being the 118, Buck taking charge. it was just all around a good emergency.

the characters storylines i need a moment for because... hmm

Henren:

fucking adore it. the fostering thing is going well, Denny seems happy, both Hen and Karen are also happy with the little people running around their house. AND A BABY GIRL, you don't understand how happy i am for them. their storyline is just incredibly wholesome and i have no bad things to say about it.

Madney:

they're so excited to get married, i love them so much. a wedding at home is the cutest idea, i love it soo much. i have nothing bad to say about my beloveds this episode or season, they had a really good season.

Buck and Eddie, apparently a part for the first time in all of 6b:

Buck helping deliver the baby and get Connor and Kameron back was something i actually liked and wanted so that was good. Natalia being there wasn't but i guess she helped so thanks babes.

Christopher telling Eddie to ask out Marisol... bullshit. i call fucking bullshit. not for Buddie either, for Eddie. does Christopher not remember the last time his Dad tried to date a woman? because i highly doubt that's something you can forget (btw i like Marisol, she seems really sweet, but i want her to end up being what Stevie was to David in Schitts Creek, if that makes any sense)

Buck and Natalia... nope. just nope. again, not even for Buddie, FOR BUCK. he deserves better than someone who only took interest in him because he died. literally give him someone who loves Buck for Buck and will always love Buck for Buck.

also the couch theory, and the Buckley-Diaz family being a focal point this season... you just threw that away... i'm not even going to get angry about that right now because i want to collect coherent thoughts about it.

it felt lazy AGAIN and Buck and Eddie don't deserve that. once again, they don't deserve it SEPARATELY.

ending with my Mum and Dad, Bathena:

LOVED IT. Athena saving Bobby, being there for him, it made me cry.

THEY GOT THEIR HONEYMOON! FINALLY! Mum and Dad deserve the break (i am terrified that's how they'll start s7 but that's s7's problem)

overall it was a solid episode, as always. not one of my favourites but definitely one of my favourite season finale big rescues (nothing is topping the shooting at this point)

[cutecats789]

On Life is Strange: True Colors choices and plot impact

So I've seen some criticisms on TC like how your choices don't really matter, the plot with Typhon and Jed will happen no matter what, and there are only 2 endings with some variations. TBH, I kinda thought the same. In terms of choices having huge impact on plot and endings, LiS 2 did it best.

However, I've watched a lot of playthroughs and got smacked with how different my feelings would be at the end, which would affect if I'd choose to stay in Haven or not. More under the cut.

In my playthrough, by some miracle I got all of the council and Ryan to side with me. And in turn, Alex finally found her place and her people, where she would be loved and accepted and heal.

Because of this, I genuinely had a hard time choosing to stay or not. I wanted her to stay because I thought she needed to catch her breath and be in a stable place. I also wanted her to go on an adventure (with Steph in my playthrough) because I want her to enjoy her young life and be free after she grew up too fast with parentification and then dealing with kids and teens and even adults who don't undertand her in foster homes and orphanages, with choices being pretty much out of her hands. I ultimately decided to stay and figured she can make a home there, so when they do decide to go on tour in the future, she'll always have Haven Springs to return to. Either way, I can say it's a happy ending.

But then I watched playthroughs ending in no one but Steph taking Alex's side. The plot proceeded the same, the motions are the same, but my feelings are entirely different. When Gabe was narrating what life in Haven could be like for Alex, I was like, "The fuck, you kidding me? No way I'd stay here," and going far away from Haven Springs felt like the obvious choice.

Aside from that, I can imagine that the whole thing would fuck up Alex some more because again, no one chose her. This hurts even more if you romance Ryan, he didn't believe you, and you don't forgive him, which would lead to Alex being totally alone. Just thinking of this outcome breaks my heart for Alex. So while we've come out triumphant against the big corp and the big bad, there's no happy ending here.

So yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say is that these criticisms focus too much on the choices not having much impact on how the main mystery plot turned out, but overlook the impact on the character and us as the players. It’s kinda similar on how I feel about "filler episodes". Yeah, there's no direct plot impact and we can do without them, but filler episodes focus on characters, develop them, make us feel for them, and so when we get back to the plot, we care more on how the characters will be impacted.

That's all. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[issybettyx]

Tommy unreliable narrator au

Disclaimers:

1. Idk what unreliable narrator is, i’m not googling it simply to see how this turns out

2. This is being written out of boredom because i’m waiting for my computer to cool down before watching the final episode of limited life (i started watching it last night)

3. I hardly ever write angst anymore, but this is simply my origins, so enjoy the angst

4. I also never write in first person, so it might be shit and the tenses might be off, so don’t question it

5. I also hardly ever write bad parent phil, and i always make wilbur and techno good people. But hey, anomalies are good sometimes

6. I’m not listening to angsty music, i’m listening to one direction, trust me it’ll make this writing better

Tldr; tommy has never had anyone to trust, so he finds himself trusting people he shouldn’t

Trigger warnings: manipulation

———

All I ever wanted was a constant.

It’s all anyone wants in this world, really, and I’m not sure how others found theirs.

I used to have Tubbo, I met him when we were seven and he tried to tackle me in the playground to prove a point to his other friend at the time. Of course, I hated him for it, but he helped me up and dusted the dirt off my shirt, so I decided I liked him. Everything good comes to an end eventually though, and he betrayed me, just like everyone else in this fucking world.

I never really had parents either, which most people can rely on for many things. My childhood was a blur for the most part, jumping between foster homes, some admittedly worse than others, before finally escaping at sixteen.

That’s how I found myself in the Arctic, a chilly place with strange people.

Newspapers littered the floor no matter where I walked, and most weeks I’d find myself staring at screen-shotted camera footage of the local villains. After asking a civilian about it, they told me about the following;

Soot was a tall, masked man with a knack for fire and explosives. His features mostly went unknown, but brown hair was known to peak out from under his hood, and hazel brown eyes glared at anyone who dared approach him. The clothes he donned were simple, a yellow jumper matched with black cargo trousers, a long brown trench coat over his shoulders.

Blade was even taller, but people speculated that was only because of his boots, the heels higher than should be possible for him to fight as well as he does. Most well known for carrying a broadsword and easily defeating everyone he faced, bright red eyes hidden behind a pig mask. No one knew his hair colour, most likely because he was much more careful with hiding his identity than Soot. However, his clothes were much more regal than Soot’s casual outfit, with a poets shirt and a long red cloak, similar trousers to the other. A crown was placed on his head, gold with an emerald on the front.

And then, last but definitely not least, was Corvine. The only winged man on Earth, whose pitch black feathers could be found dotted around the country. Unlike his teammates, most of his features were on display; long, blonde hair fell onto his shoulders, shining blue eyes are shown through a black crow mask, the only thing covering his identity. A black turtle neck was his chosen shirt, with a dark green hooded cloak, the same black trousers as his teammates.

Together, they were the SBI.

SBI weren’t the only villains of the Arctic, however, as there was a greater organisation named the ‘Antarctic Empire’, which the civilian told me was to show how they believed in morals and duties that were opposite to what the Arctic taught their citizens.

Trust had been difficult since Tubbo decided to leave me, so obviously I didn’t believe everything this person told me. A villain, by dictionary definition, is the person responsible for specific problems or damage. Who was to say what they’d done was a problem for the greater public? After-all, it was government ran news stations who told the people about these villains.

So, I decided to find out for myself.

It was tricky to find them, understandably, but after three weeks of trying to bump into them, a pig mask stared back at me in the dead of night.

“You shouldn’t be out here kiddo.”

Kindness, protection, concern.

“Well I don’t exactly have a bed time.” I returned at the same pace the other had spoken, not being able to match Blade’s deep voice and monotonous tone. However, the man let out an amused huff.

Human. Human. Human.

“Go home, it’s dangerous out here, and trust me when I say you don’t want to see Corvine.”

“Well, that’s kind of what I’m here for.” I reply easily, and the shock on the other’s face is hardly noticeable, but I saw his lips part for a split second.

“You? Wanna become a part of the Empire?” He asked, clearly disbelieving even when I nodded incessantly. “Good luck with that one.”

“I’m stronger than I look.”

“You’d be good bait.”

Resourceful, cautious, facetious.

“You underestimate me, Blade.”

The sound of feet landing beside us filled our ears. Blade flinched, I simply looked.

There stood Corvine, his wings spread out behind him, an eyebrow raised just over his mask, a smile on his lips as he stared directly at me, blue eyes blinking with a hint of suspicion.

“Who’s the kid mate?” He asked, the question clearly not directed towards me but rather his teammate, who didn’t manage a reply in time.

“I’m Tommy, Tommy Innit, and I have a proposition for you.”

Corvine paused, clearly contemplating something as his wings slowly pulled behind him.

Curious.

Human. Human. Human.

“And what may that be?”

“You know I’m powerful, you can feel it.” Corvine paused again, and I grinned, hands behind my back as my feet rocked on the pavement. “I would like to join the Antarctic Empire.”

I expected several things.

Maybe to be shoved away, taken to a local orphanage, maybe even to be killed for talking to people with a bad reputation.

Instead, Corvine smiled, it was bright and happy and everything that made my chest uncomfortably warm, a skipping feeling in my heart that I couldn’t explain if I was given years to name it.

There was no malice in the dimples that had formed on his cheeks, no ill intentions in his blue eyes, but a strange form of pride that only powered my want to join them, to stand beside them, to make sure they didn’t regret taking me on.

Corvine smiled, and I knew I’d done something right.

—

“So, this isn’t the main base, we’ll take you there after a few weeks and we’re sure we can trust you, however some of the Empire are here currently that I’d like you to meet.” Corvine explained, footsteps silent as he made his way through the hall. Since we started the journey back to a safe location, Corvine’s wings had been pulled behind him, whether it was to seem less threatening or because he was simply relaxed, I don’t think I’ll ever be entirely sure.

“Soot!” Corvine called into the building, hands around his mouth to project his voice more. Blade continued on through the building, leaving his sword on it’s rack before falling onto a sofa, picking up a book and completely ignoring everything around him.

Trusting, bored, uninterested.

“What?! I’m busy!”

“I don’t care come downstairs!” Corvine yelled back, receiving a loud groan in return, and then a door slamming, and then much louder footsteps.

The civilian was right, he was tall.

And also completely maskless.

The man paused half way down the stairs, brown eyes wide as they stared directly at me.

And then, he groaned again, making his way down the rest of the steps before standing in front of Corvine, a frown adorning his face.

“You could’ve told me we had a visitor.” He grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest before staring at me, a hint of curiosity in his eyes that I couldn’t find a way to explain.

“This is Tommy, he’s going to be your apprentice.”

“Sorry what?” We both asked, and I couldn’t help but pause, glaring at the other who clearly returned the sentiment.

“I don’t need training-“

“And I don’t need a child following me around all day! Techno’s bad as it is!”

Corvine sighed, pinching the nose of his mask as he muttered words to himself I couldn’t quite catch. “Well Tommy can’t just become a member of the organisation, Blade’s busy enough as it is, and I have to run the entire fucking thing! So you’re the next candidate.”

“Why not Nihachu? She’s way better than me!”

“What did we say about complimenting others to get yourself out of things you need to do?”

Manipulative, argumentative, adamant.

But smart, resilient and devoted.

“Not to do it.” He mumbled back, and Corvine simply sighed again, walking away from the two and walking through a doorway, the door slamming shut behind him. And then, Soot turned back to me, eyes squinted as he stared, so I simply copied, hands balled into fists at my side. “What’s your power anyway?”

“None of your business.” I spat back, hardening my glare.

“Well it kind of is, considering I have to train you and all.”

“I can go without training my powers, you’d be too shocked to do anything about it.”

When Soot groaned and finally broke the eye contact, I found myself looking at the sofa where Blade sat, book in hand and hood pulled down, revealing french plaited pink hair.

“Like the hair Blade, really brings out your eyes.” I comment, he doesn’t even register that he heard it.

Embarrassed, fond, stubborn.

“Alright child-“

“For the third time today I’m not a child.” I insist, but Soot goes undeterred, walking away and only leaving me to assume to follow.

“Your room is the one on the left at the end of the hall, come to training room C at 7am sharp and I’ll show you around the building.” Soot explained, stopping outside of the door he’d mentioned before turning back around, something dangerous flickering in his eyes that I almost laughed at. “But if you even try to escape and reveal our whereabouts, you will be killed on the spot, do I make myself clear?”

“Clear as day big man.” I reply easily, but the man’s glare only hardness, leaving me to push into the room and shut it behind me.

After a quick scan of the room - checking for cameras as always, can never be too careful - I fall onto the bed, eyes drooping shut the moment my head hits the pillow.

———

Shorter one today cus i hate writing in first person, probably won’t continue this because first person just reminds me of wattpad and third person is simply superior

A few things to take note of:

Sbi aren’t actually good people in this fic. Irl they’re the best, in this au however Phil is only looking to capitalise on the power and vulnerability Tommy possesses. Techno is genuinely indifferent iferent, he doesn’t care of Tommy’s existence, he doesn’t care if he moves in and becomes a part of the team, he simply doesn’t care. Wilbur genuinely hates him, it’s not a fond insulting or teasing arguments like Tommy believes, but simply his raw emotions and feelings.

There are a few main bits where the unreliable narrator gives off this idea that SBI are good people. For example when Phil smiles.

No one has ever really shown Tommy affection in his life, apart from Tubbo who ‘abandoned’ him (Tommy pushed him away). So when Phil smiles, despite Tommy’s trust issues, he takes it as a positive thing.

Phil: smiles

Tommy: oh my god affection thank you i need a family you are now my father im so glad i made you proud and i wont stop at anything to make you continue to be proud

Phil: woo a child who i can manipulate and send him on death riddled missions without having to sacrifice my children :D

However, when he meets Soot and finds that he’s ‘Manipulative, argumentative, adamant.’ he basically says ‘nah bro these people mean no harm, let’s look at the positive side’ and makes these negatives into positives.

Some part of him understands these people don’t truly love him for him, but rather are going to keep him around for what he’s capable of. But he doesn’t want that part of him to be known, he wants someone to trust, he wants protection, he wants a family he can love and so he pushes it aside. Tommy looks at Wilbur and aspires to be him, Wilbur looks at Tommy and wishes for his downfall.

If you want fluff out of this au, just know if I was to continue it the person who would genuinely become Tommy’s family would be Techno; his indifference is because of lack of knowledge, he sees a bright eyed kid with aspirations he assumes he’d never achieve and finds he doesn’t want to be a part of it. But then he sees Tommy’s true intentions, his underlying need to be understood and loved, the want and need so strong that he lies to himself to get what he wants, and he feels bad because he knows what that feels like.

Anyways, I’m off to go read, ily all and i hope you all enjoyed this lil thing :)

[marisramblings]

“Griffith did Nothing Wrong”

I’m going to need you all to humor me until the eclipse. Tw: SA

Let’s set the stage that spawned this post. I stumbled upon Berserk when I was 9 years old. This was the early days of YouTube (2009) when anime was uploaded with abandon and minimal copyright. Don’t ask me to explain why my 9 year old self was watching gory anime scenes—I also found Umineko no Naku Koro Ni—I was and that’s it. I saw part of the eclipse episode, but I could never find the full show. I’ve known about Berserk for years. With only a passing interest, I learned most of the plot of the Golden Age arc. I’ve known for years what happens during the eclipse, but never the details of the story. I could’ve read the manga, but I decided to wait until it finished. A manga that was in publication for over 30 years does not give me confidence. Authors die and I refuse to start any series that’s been petering along for decades. It’s too disappointing, and I don’t feel like experiencing that again. Well, Kentaro Miura did die and there was a lot of discussion on whether his staff will continue the manga (they are), so I just shelved it.

So, here I am in 2022. I think I just had a passing curiosity, as adhd is apt to do, and looked up Berserk (1997) and found the whole show subbed. Finally, I could watch this show I’ve been curious about for 10+ years. Watch I did, and Griffith became my favorite character.

“But he’s a—“ I know. “He did—“ I promise you, I know. I know what Griffith did, and does, and I love him. After staunchly touting the “Griffith did everything wrong” I am here to say, Griffith is not a bad person. In fact, Griffith didn’t do anything wrong.

Bitch, the fuck?

Hi, if you’re still reading, thank you. I will ignore the pitchforks and hanging rope and quickly explain myself. This post is defending pre-eclipse Griffith. Admittedly, I’m not even mad about the eclipse, though one obvious part will never sit well. Let’s start at the beginning.

Griffith wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t evil. At best, he was a cold, callous, self-centered man. He’s right, Griffith forced no one to join him or forced anyone into battle. Yes, the only reason he created the Band of the Hawk, slept with creepy adults, fought battles, and committed a few assassinations was in service to his dream. No, that doesn’t make him evil. Griffith makes no illusions to his followers, he doesn’t pretend to be their friend or give a damn. He has a goal and he will do what he needs to achieve it. Get in line or fuck off.

Some may argue that objectifying those around him makes him bad. For me, good and bad aren’t the only choices. Griffith is neutral. He’s not a good person by any means, though. Our hawk reads to me as someone incapable of fostering true connection. He’s abnormally pretty, which definitely caused him issues, inquisitive, and quite intelligent. He started forming his mercenary group around 13-15 years old. I do relate this, living in your own world that no one else seems to or wants to understand. There are often two reactions to that, desperately try to fit in or see others as NPCs.

Griffith is a child

If you look into our cast’s ages, most of them are 17-25. Griffith is about 20-21 by the end of the Golden Age arc. What I’m trying to empress upon you all is that he’s young. I’m 22, and while I definitely feel adult, working at a retirement home puts my life in perspective. 22 is fucking young. There are people who have been retired longer than I’ve been alive. Griffith is a fucking child and, in my opinion, the most childish person after Rickert and Charlotte.

Let’s analyze his dream. Little boy Griffith dreamt of having a kingdom. He dreamt of knowing his place in the world, and of being more than a peasant with a run of the mill life. Having a kingdom, living in a castle, these are the dreams of children. Griffith is clinging to something childish. That may seem unrealistic, I mean, Griffith commands thousands of men, he’s a viscount, he sniffed out and snuffed out political subterfuge, he clearly has a real world grasp of the complexities of running a kingdom. He knows how to get his dream, though that requires severe luck or causality, but the dream itself is hollow like a child’s. He wants a kingdom. Do we ever see people in the kingdom? Do we every see anyone standing by Griffith’s side? Do we see culture, holidays, anything but a castle on a tall hill? Griffith has accumulated a mountain of bodies for something so empty. Griffith is a man with the dreams of a child, but his actions have adult consequences and that is something that eats him alive. He feels guilt and regret and buries deep within so he can avoid it. Someone died on his order? That’s fine, they’re just a toy I’m using. We need money and I had to sleep with Gennon? It’s not traumatizing that I was only a few years older than his slaves and that may have been my first sexual experience. I’m not making this point to excuse his actions, just his mindset. Griffith appears adult and in some respects he is, but he’s also a child who’s been in a bit of arrested development.

Yes, he’s an asshole

Turns out when everything goes your way forever and everyone seems to love the act you put on, you become kind of an arrogant prick. Still not the most egregious I’ve seen, but a prick nonetheless. Part of that is due to his controlling nature. Griffith is neurotic levels of control freak, something I also relate to. There’s a script that must be followed and damn anyone who dares step from it (Guts). This is going to be a Griffith is autistic post, isn’t it? He’s also an intj and I’ve gotten intp and intj consistently…

People don’t treat objects well, that’s why objectification is usually bad. You’re not friends with objects and you don’t mourn objects, please ignore the scars on my upper arms and the smile that never reaches my eyes. For the most part, Griffith isn’t an active asshole. He’s not walking up to his men and saying he finds them expendable. He’s not gossiping with them.

He does admit to Charlotte, in an incredibly rare moment of vulnerability, that he only considers people with their own dreams his equal. I can see where that comes from. Everyone worships the ground he walks on. You can’t have an equal and genuine relationship with people who worship you. Think a celebrity dating a fan, not impossible but very unlikely to be successful. There’s also a little glimmer into Griffith, that people without dreams piss him off. An intrinsically and unique facet of who he is. We all have values that shape our opinions of others.

Let’s talk Charlotte (No, I’m not discussing the age gap. It’s the Middle Ages)

I’ve dubbed that sex scene as dubcon. I am using a fanfic term, but that’s how I see it. For some, dubcon is noncon and that’s fine. I’m not here to argue. Griffith was forceful, and he did push, but I feel if Charlotte had said “no” again and continued to resist, he would’ve quit. Charlotte was an ego boost and control freak panic. Griffith lives in a world where everyone loves him and women would jump his bones at a moment’s notice. He needs to reaffirm this “fact”, he needs the world where he gets what he wants and everyone gives happily. Also, raping the fucking princess might get you…killed. Charlotte is a sweet girl and Griffith was thinking about another person while deflowering her, I assume with little prep. This was fucking shitty.

The day of the eclipse

For the longest time, I thought the eclipse was a couple of months after Griffith was rescued. It’s the next day. You know how people decry torture because it can drastically damage a person’s physical and mental health and cause severe trauma? I had to look away during Griffith’s torture, that shit was medieval. Cut tendons, pulled nails, branding, rape, probable castration, tongue cut, bones broken, pierced by thick needles…he went through this for a year.

Trauma like that can change your personality. I’m not surprised that in his pain Griffith blamed Guts. Remember, this man is a child. Children blame others instead of themselves. Guts broke through his mask and was his first true emotional connection. Then, Guts left. He veered off script and threw the laws that govern Griffith’s the world. That can’t do. Of course Griffith had to sleep with Charlotte. The laws needed to be mended. Guts forced his hand and now he’s here practically dead on the cold cobblestone floor smelling like piss and shit and watching the wall swirl into a hallucination of demonic beings in a room out of relativity. I’m not expecting rationality from Griffith. I’m honestly impressed that he could process words.

Did he attempt to rape Casca in the wagon? Kinda? I thought this at first, but then thought that he was really seeking normal physical comfort. We never see Griffith hug people or seek physical comfort. One could say that Charlotte served that purpose as well, though that is straight speculation.

I see the belief for rape, but I also see the same line of thinking with Charlotte. It’s his ego. Women were throwing themselves at him. I feel like rape, in this instance, would only hurt his ego. He’s Griffith, he doesn’t need to force women. They’ll all kill for the chance to be in his godly prescence. So when Casca turns away and rebuffs him, he stops. Casca, his most devoted follower who would’ve jumped at the chance last year, refuses him. I don’t think she even perceived it as assault. Griffith is that pathetic.

Griffith has been free for a day. Let’s list what happens: He’s too weak to even choke Guts. Guts and Judeau, seasoned soldiers, are horrified by his face. A soldier reveals his emaciated body to his men. The group he painstakingly formed, fought for, sold his body for, look at him in pity and rally around the man he blames for his state. His most ardent defender is in love with said man and looks at him with pity. She will stay out of pity, but not love/admiration. The kid he envisions isn’t his because I tell you at least his balls are gone. His one life goal is shattered.

I will be getting a little personal. My dad had a stroke and he’s now disabled. He isn’t handling the change well. His pride is hurt, he feels like a child, he feels weak and pathetic and emasculated. His attitude is less than stellar and he lives in denial that he’ll be working a fast-paced job and being the breadwinner again. That is Griffith, except his denial is shattered when he shatters his elbow. He doesn’t have time to truly process anything. All of this shit hits him at once and he attempts to kill himself. He also fails at that.

Pre-torture Griffith would never kill himself, and now post-torture can’t even manage that. He can’t walk, talk, or do the most basic of things. His life at 21 is fucking over. That brief fantasy was denial. His hair won’t grow back, the skin on his face will never look normal. So, we get the eclipse.

@blood-ember made a great post. The god hand had to wait for an extremely traumatized man, isolate him, and show him strange visions that egged him into sacrificing the Band of the Hawk. Griffith was an amalgamation of emotions, not just negative ones. He still felt love for his group and Guts and Casca. I cannot view a quick decision made in such horrendously manipulative circumstances as valid. Griffith would not have made this decision last year.

Yassified Griffith Femto is not human, he doesn’t feel in the same way and has been imbued with literal evil. I do think raping Casca is in character, but I mostly blame Miura. For some reason, the demons that kill everyone else, instead rip off Casca’s clothes and assault her. Guts is only alive because he’s Guts. Casca was kept alive by Miura, not Griffith, to be raped. Griffith was still in his cocoon when that shit happened. Miura treated Casca in the most sickening and misogynistic manner possible. Griffith is wrong, and this is an action that I will never dismiss or diminish. Kento Miura should’ve killed Casca.

Conclusion

I like Griffith because I like morally bankrupt, intelligent pretty boys. Makishima Shogo is my favorite Pyscho-Pass character next to Akane. Griffith isn’t a bad person for most of the Golden Age arc. He reminds me of myself in some ways. The odd man out, isolated, a little childish, and analytical. He’s a great character and I hold no illusions that he’ll get a good end. He will probably die and I’m not mad. He deserves it. This arc is a good story. I wish they had developed our side cast more because the only ones I cared about at the end were Rickert and Judeau. Pippin, I do love you, but I know shit about you.

After a decade of going off other people’s assumptions, I have seen the full picture and changed my mind. Griffith, at least until the eclipse, really did nothing wrong.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s5e22 swan song (teleplay: eric kripke story: eric gerwitz)

DEAN I mean, truth is... You know, watching out for you... it's kinda been my job, you know? But more than that, it's... it's kinda who I am. You're not a kid anymore, Sam, and I can't keep treating you like one. Maybe I got to grow up a little, too. I don't know if we got a snowball's chance. But... But I do know that if anybody can do it... it's you.

SAM Thank you.

DEAN If this is what you want... Is this really what you want?

SAM I let him out. I got to put him back in.

a) want? i mean who wants this, no one, but do they have any other options at this point? b) "i let him out" ouch. c) i am at least slightly relieved that they're together on this (at this point in the episode fuck knows if it'll last longer than 10 minutes) d) the gentle piano coming in as he says "truth is" oh god it's just so. why do i have such problems with the scored music lol it just feels so... generic e) dean being all, i am defined by you

gallon jugs o'blood made me laugh

SAM So you got to promise me something.

DEAN Okay. Yeah. Anything.

SAM You got to promise not to try to bring me back.

DEAN What? No, I didn't sign up for that.

SAM Dean --

DEAN Your Hell is gonna make my tour look like Graceland. You want me just to sit by and do nothing?

SAM Once the Cage is shut, you can't go poking at it, Dean. It's too risky.

DEAN No, no, no, no, no. As if I'm just gonna let you rot in there.

SAM Yeah, you are. You don't have a choice.

DEAN You can't ask me to do this.

SAM I'm sorry, Dean. You have to.

DEAN So then what am I supposed to do?

SAM You go find Lisa. You pray to god she's dumb enough to take you in, and you – you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me.

this is fine. everything is fine.

again i don't want reality to intrude on my shows but sir you cannot drink 4 gallons of anything like that. *stop thinking about how they keep it from coagulating* it's demon blood, it's magic!

these chuck/impala interludes are kinda weird. why you tryin to tug my heartstrings over the car and how it's their home right now

LUCIFER/SAM I'm inside your grapefruit, Sam. You can't lie to me. I see it all – how odd you always felt, how... out of place in that... family of yours. And why shouldn't you have? They were foster care – at best. I'm your real family.

SAM No, that's not true.

LUCIFER/SAM It is. And I know you know it. All those times you ran away, you weren't running from them. You were running towards me. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, you know. I let Dean live, didn't I? I want him to live. I'll bring your folks back, too. I want you to be happy, Sam.

big sigh. i have no idea this gets to the endpoint

this is a lot of padalecki face. it's hard not to zone out, had the same problem when dean was talking to future!dean too. at least with this, there's a pretty distinct difference in vibe between the characters

CASTIEL It's starting.

DEAN Yeah, you think, genius?

CASTIEL You don't have to be mean.

tell him, cas. and dean comes right back with a completely unnecessary insult that i will not deign to repeat

CHUCK (VOICEOVER) And when it was clear, they'd park her in the middle of nowhere, sit on the hood, and watch the stars... for hours... without saying a word.

like. ???? but also dropping all sorts of good details for our dear fic writers

CASTIEL I just want you to understand – the only thing that you're gonna see out there is Michael killing your brother.

DEAN Well, then I ain't gonna let him die alone.

guh.

questionable music selection, dean. rock of ages, really

the rest is too awful to talk about. the show will always try to drown us in dean's pain.

[hazelcephalopod]

So I made another post about Yellowstone, and this was a part of but it got so long I decided to put this section here.

This show wants it to be like, idk 1970 maybe 80 at the latest so bad is makes them do really shit plots.

To explain that, now I’m going to need to explain more things. There’s these two characters Beth -lord cowboys daughter (he owns the ranch) and no I don’t remember his name- and her lover, whose name I also forget, let’s call him Head Servant (HS). Beth is written as a mean ice queen, and HS is written as a man so traumatized he has no choice but to lock all that in a vault and bury it deep down and lie that his is normal actually and good and he deserves it. Also he can’t accept raising a child that isn’t “his” because of course he can’t. Nonesense. Also Beth had an abortion resulting in loosing her uterus because or course that’s where this show would go.

They are as fucked up as you could imagine.

So, in this season they take in this kid, and I’m gonna call him Kid. Because I’m sure the show would if it could and also I forget his name -tbh I feel bad the show disrespects this child so much and I can’t even remember his name partly because I was too appalled. As I recall, Beth meets Kid (he’s between 12 and 14? I think?) at the hospital where her family is finding out again (from fucking around) and his dad is dying of an overdose. So, he’s kinda a little shit, on account of his parents kinda sucked, and this is a shit day for him. Beth takes a liking to him. Later the kids dad dies, and his mom and other family are not around and he hates foster care (I will not get into the how foster care is portrayed here in allusion but it’s bad) and many things happen and he ends up with Beth again and she takes him home to her giant house.

So, Beth and HS argue about taking Kid in. Beth wants to take him in and ya know, treat him like a child in need of a home, and HS thinks they need to give him tough love turned up to 11 and not “pamper” him, or “treat him like a pet”. No, he should basically just be the new stable boy. I’m guessing someone was like “uh, I think having him sleeping in the stables is a big too far guys -editors note: that’s wrong he did sleep in there.

Let me be clear, It’s supposed to be roughly modern day. And this is a show for normies. Beth partially ignores HS when she takes Kid to get new clothes, which makes sense because he’s been wearing the same black hoodie and jeans for as long as we’ve known him. So because she’s a being decent rn, they go to the nice store -it’s basically Dicks Sporting goods. And Kid is so excited, because he’s getting like new clothes from a decent store with someone whose been kinda nice and then he wants the nicer stuff. Because he’s a child, who feels kinda safe and isn’t used to that it seems like? The portrayal is him kinda being a shit -horrible decision imo. So Beth gets mad because he’s being greedy. Now boundaries are good but she goes full Karen in the sporting goods store about this. Ridiculous shit. Attacks some random person who calls her out on her bs behavior. Then, gets nothing and takes him back to the farm to muck out the stables or whatever. Which he continues to do in the same ass clothes for several episodes, and that is at minimum several days. Until she finally makes up with Kid enough and goes to like Goodwill or whatever to buy him some actual clothing. He didn’t even has boots or proper shoes for this, I think he’s wearing the same sneakers.

Again, Kid looks like a preteen. He has done some minor mischief, and he has had a shit life. But the show has its *vibe* so they have to have this slow build to Beth, Kid, and HS starting to become a family and caring for each other like humans. And I mean barely like starting to get thee by the end of the season. I think Social Services knows he’s there? He’s done the minorest bs crimes that he wasn’t convicted of or anything. But none of these people know how to show actual care and compassion -in the main cast at least- so we get “Alright Kid, since your in a bind with this Forster care thing we’ll let you stay here. Earn your keep mucking out the stables and doing what we need doing and you’ll a get a meal and a bed. Works from sunup to sundown. If you do well maybe you can be a real cowboy one day after your voice drops. Now get to it.” Except he’s staying in Beth’s massive house and she’s why he’s here. Like she plucked this orphan off the street but he can’t be family (for reasons) so it’s to the servants quarters rs he goes where he can learn the value of hard labor and be trusted to be loyal b/c he’s been rescued from his terrible fate. Ridiculous bs. This is again, a modern show. They have iPhones and shit. I don’t even think he got paid?!

PS: I have been informed Kid was sleeping in the stables at a point. I guess my mind just didn’t want to accept they actually did that. Also I saw the last episode of season 2 and he calls Beth mom and she tells him he can’t because it’s not true. And he’s so sad and she tells him not to cry because it won’t help. This poor child tbh foster care may very well be better. Also no I’d still didn’t remember their names and didn’t feel like editing that in if I did.

[keefwho]

February 19 - 2023

8:28 AM

I always pride myself for not listening to strangers’ negative opinions about me since they are never based on something meaningful. But on the flip side, I can’t enjoy positive opinions either for the same reason. Having a stranger tell me I’m valid as a person or something means absolutely nothing to me because they don’t know anything about me. This all feels like another thing that alienates me from other people. I don’t know if I’m supposed to care more about strangers’ opinions or if I’m fine where I’m at. 

I have this bacon to cook still but I’m nervous to. I wouldn’t be as nervous if it had been stored properly on the way here. The problem isn’t that it’s raw right now. Its that I’m not totally sure how cold it stayed on the way home. It should be fine because it felt quite cool when it got here. It also wasn’t out for terribly long in general. But if I’m going to handle challenging food like this, I want things to be near perfect. I don’t want to throw the bacon out because I think it’s severely unlikely anything is actually wrong with it. 

1:30 PM

Today I am lonely, bored, and sad. The perfect mix of things to foster anxiety about nothing, which I am also feeling. I’ve been thinking too much lately. Putting too much effort into trying to fix stuff like this. Sometimes I think it might be better to give up and not think about anything for a little bit. 

3:10 PM

Im just admitting this to myself. I fucking hate myself right now and it prevents me from having genuine interaction. I don’t know what to do aside from isolate myself until I feel better. It only seems responsible, but only if I do it right. Why do I have so much trouble loving myself? 

4:35 PM

I was starting to think I was the problem, then I remember I KNOW I’m the problem. I let one of my closest friendships die. Last night a friend was really depressed and I probably only made it worse. There’s a reason I can’t find people to hang out with on demand. No one wants to be around someone like me. Another friend is upset about something and my heart breaks if I had anything to do with it.

I’m afraid I am irreparably fucked up. Maybe I’m truly a bad person deep down. Maybe I don’t deserve friendship, companionship, or happiness in general. Maybe it’s all pointless. 

8:41 PM

I sure have enjoyed wasting my entire evening being depressed beyond comprehension. I should message my friends but I don’t have the will or energy to do anything tbh. Another reason I’m a piece of shit I guess. 

8:58 PM

On top of it all my tummy hurts. Im assuming it’s because of how I blew myself earlier but my temperature is also reading up to 99.1. Not a real fever by any means but I never read that high at this time while I’m chillin. Unlike last time my temperature read this high, I’m not really panicking. I’m slightly concerned but logic tells me that I can’t be “sick”. Where would I have gotten anything? Unless it was by extraordinary circumstances. I don’t have other symptoms either. My tummy is upset because of things physically moving through me in a way my body doesn’t like due to what I did earlier. The temperature is probably a fluke and all I can do is check it again in about an hour. 

9:41 PM

The best way I can describe how I feel in times like this is soulless and empty. There are times where I feel in touch with myself but they are not often. More often I feel like I’m living a very fragile life. I have trouble believing everything is okay and I frequently imagine everything that can go wrong until I believe it’s my future. Today has been like that. All I can see are the negatives. 

9:59 PM

I’m just MAD. At myself. Why am I so confused? I never used to be this confused about myself. Maybe I never knew who I was or wanted to be. Maybe thats why episodes of extreme sadness have been with me since high school. I know everyone gets sad but I get truly depressed. I have reached some very dark places and it’s all because something is wrong that has gone unsolved for so long. I feel like I’m in the middle of shattering everything I know about myself. I only hope it results in something better in the end. 

Maybe I’m experiencing a form of ego death. Lately I have much less grasp on the things like I like and how my relationships are. I used to base everything on and cling to recent memories and significant older ones but now I feel like I have no history. I don’t like it because I enjoy honoring past experiences but I haven’t been able to do that lately. I feel like everything in my life requires constant upkeep to hold onto it, partly because I can’t seem to believe some things will stick around simply because I put the time in. Everything feels brand new and like I have to make a good impression. 

10:34 PM

I tend to play by my own ruleset instead of feeling things out. Maybe I need to listen to my heart more. I suppress so much, even stuff that doesn’t matter. I’m always trying to do things “right” by my brain’s standard. I end up neglecting my true desires. But at the risk of sounding edgy, I feel like I’ve silenced my heart enough that it’s hard for it to speak up. I always have this problem. I don’t KNOW what I want. I feel no desire but it must be there. 

12:18 AM

I realized today that I would unknowingly draw smut as a way to vent. I say unknowingly because what I thought was just horny posting was actually me channeling my feelings of worthlessness into degenerate content. Sometimes when I feel like that, I do horny stuff to escape or degrade myself. It feels good. I don’t even think it’s unhealthy, its just something I realized I do. I don’t see anything wrong with it.