#that he didnt try to break into our house back in april when she told him not to come by

[hotmess-exe]

if one more person tries me today i. swear

[hobidreams]

ok this is ab to be a very unpopular opinion 👀 but oc deserves SO MUCH better than yoongi !!! like yea he’s sweet and loving and gentle now but the way he treated her in the beginning was atrocious. he was so rough, so uncaring, he made her cry, and he literally used her while KNOWING her feelings for him. he even admitted that he straight up thought of her as a whore? the one thing she’s been sensitive about her WHOLE life due to her social status, which he prolly knew about bc they were friends for so long. like all of their history washed away as soon he got caught up in his angst and started to see her as someone to have sex with. like her mom died too lmfao ur not special 😭😭

i see where ur coming from for sure! if this story was happening irl in our time period, i would tell oc to leave him too lol. but i also believe that good people make shit decisions. and that people do physically and mentally change due to trauma.

please remember that the beginning of the series is NOT the beginning of their relationship!! he has always tried to treat her with kindness, esp when he was a teen. what i tried to show throughout the series was that he has always been that loving and gentle boy. but he was so confused and unable to allow himself to have those feelings after being thrust into kingship!

and yes, she lost her mom too, but he also lost the person directing him as king of the entire damn country. hes terrified. every wrong move he makes could send thousands of ppl to their deaths. even his executions were trying to save the rest of his people. worst of all hes not even allowed to be sad bc he has to perform strength for the court.

he never ACTUALLY saw her as someone to have sex with. he TRIED to do that, bc that's what he thought a king should do (get rid of all his weaknesses). as he says, "Even though at one point, at my worst, I thought that was the only way I could have you. If I told myself to think of you as…" he repeatedly tells himself to imagine her that way but it never works (how many times have we told ourselves to stop crushing on someone and its absolutely futile? i did it so much 😭) he renovates the whole pavilion for her. he gives her an ENTIRE HALL to practice her medicine (a hall is fucking enormous lol. like giving someone an entire house instead of a room). he never uses her as just a body bc he cant hide his feelings. if i wrote nov 1868 from his pov, itd be more evident how he breaks down, needing her touch, needing her compassion as he rmbs all those happy times they had together as kids. there are hints of it there, like when she notes that he seems to be lingering w his touches. every time he had sex with her, he was just as in love with her as she him. hes physically unable to see her as "just a body to use."

also,,, he actually only calls her "whore" ONCE, in april 1869. i didnt explicitly mention it in the story bc there was never a place for it but i imagine he saw her puffy eyes that night and saw how the word seemed to bother her and so he never says it again. every other iteration of it comes from oc degrading herself. i also imagine he went back to his chambers that night feeling so shitty and sad, beating himself up for wanting her and hurting her by doing so but also being unable to truly leave her behind.

unfortunately mlt is mostly from oc's pov so its hard to show his side :( but i tried to show disonnance between his words and his actions. he doesnt treat her like any mere woman. he never has 😭

also maybe i didnt explain this enough but his trauma with the assasination attempt is his reasoning for why he tried to keep oc out of it/as only a body to use. he didnt want her to end up like his mom or that other concubine if feelings got involved. he didnt want her to love him. but thats where he was wrong--feelings were always involved between these two.

[stargazing-enby]

I had a dream that harry and draco were both aurors and they were married to ginny and astoria and then got sent to a mission and they had to do a steak out????? But ofc there was tension so they were like uuuuhhhhh we should bring our wives bc uuuuhhh we cant be away from them too long ya know and they all spend a month or two in a house and shit and ginny and astoria fall in love and bc theyre badass ladies they are upfront about it and then harry and draco are like.... Guess we should a dress

our thing too huh?? And then albus and scorpious have 2 moms and 2 dads (ginny and astoria were both pregnant btw, dont know if i already said that) and it was weirdly amazing and i didnt know who else to tell so yea

***

Anon, your mind. First of all, thanks so much for sharing your dream with me because it's honestly amazing. Second of all, I was re-reading your asks the other day wondering if I should try to write this, and soon after that I took the (ill-advised) decision to take a nap and started dreaming about your prompt. Now I feel like I share a special, oneiric connection with you! Anyway, I hope you enjoy :)

Thanks @april-thelightfury115 for betaing!

Drarry | 2.3k | Teen and Up | Falling in Love, Break Up, Getting Together, Kid Fic, Pregnancy | Read on AO3

At first, Ginny had been mad. Offended, even, that her husband had thought it a great idea to make her share a house with Astoria Malfoy for Merlin knew how long while he and Draco ran off to chase some suspect.

“The only thing that woman and I have in common is that we're pregnant,” Ginny had argued, “and that we're both married to bloody idiots!” 

Three weeks into the stakeout, however, Ginny had to admit she’d been wrong. Although wrong wasn't perhaps the most accurate of word choices, since she and Astoria were, like she’d suspected, completely different kinds of people. Where Ginny was passionate and intense, Astoria was quiet, an aura of serenity always surrounding her. Where Ginny bickered and joked and threw jibes around with her husband whenever she had the chance, Astoria was all subtle touches; a small caress to Draco's shoulder before they left home in the morning, a careful take care whispered in his ear. 

Where Ginny was fire, Astoria was water: cleansing and soothing and calm. 

But she had been utterly, dangerously wrong in that she couldn’t help but find Astoria Malfoy intoxicating. 

“Darling.” Astoria had recently taken to calling her that when they were on their own, in a tone that Ginny could not bring herself to believe to be purely neutral. “Are you sure you're not tired? I sincerely doubt they'll arrive before dawn this morning—we don't have to stay awake if you don't want to.”

“No, no—” Ginny couldn’t help but shiver as the small realisation washed over her for seemingly the hundredth time that night: the realisation that Harry, as much as she adored him, could not have had any less to do with her wanting to stay awake. “I don't want to give up the chance to beat you one more time.” 

Astoria smiled at her, cheeky.

“Very well,” she said, and, after a moment, moved one of her knights on the board. She didn't take her eyes off Ginny as the Knight destroyed one of Ginny's pawns; her eyes sparkled with naughty mirth, and Ginny's breath caught. 

A moment later, a wave of guilt drowned the butterflies in her stomach, and Ginny looked down at the chess board and told herself that she was in love with her husband. Utterly, helplessly in love. 

Except you aren't, a little voice said. You love him. You love him more than anything. You’ve loved him since forever; you'll love him for forever, because he'll always be the person who gave you your son. But you are not in love with him anymore. You haven't been for a while now. 

“Ginny.” 

She raised her head. 

“You're not thinking about the game.” 

It wasn't a question. 

Astoria knew. She wasn't stupid. She knew she wasn't meant to be calling Ginny darling, knew of the emotions—deep, fierce, raging—that ran under Ginny's skin whenever they shared a smile, a look; whenever one's fingertips found the other's knuckles and their knees brushed and bumped almost on their own accord in the middle of their nightly conversations. 

“I'm not,” Ginny said. “I'm thinking about us.” 

Astoria let out a breath, shoulders sagging. She looked down, but Ginny waited, gaze steady, for Astoria to look back up at her. 

“It's late,” Astoria said after a moment. 

“I think I'm falling in love with you.”

Astoria closed her eyes, a slow frown twisting her sharp features. 

“I know.” It was barely a murmur. 

“I know you know,” Ginny said, a challenge. 

Astoria met her gaze, then, and Ginny's resolve wavered when she realised just how terrified Astoria was.

“Hey,” Ginny murmured, standing up. Astoria, lips trembling, buckled over to make room for her in the settee. “Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry—” 

“It's not your fault.” Even though her head was turned away from Ginny, Astoria leaned into her touch. “None of this is your fault. Draco is—” Her voice broke, and Ginny held her hand with both of hers, aching, yearning to hold Astoria in her arms and take the pain away. But she couldn't. “Draco is a wonderful man. He's attentive, and loving, and he's funny, and…”

A tear fell into Astoria's shirt over her tummy. 

“And he's my best friend. But he and I are not in love. We never have been.”

That caught Ginny off-guard. 

“Never?” 

Astoria laughed, a broken, pathetic sound. 

“Never. Our parents planned our union soon after I left Hogwarts. I was horrified at first, but after getting to know him, there was a time when I really thought I would fall in love with him in time. That he'd fall in love with me. And we did end up loving each other, mind you: he will always be my closest friend. It's just not…”

“Yeah,” Ginny said softly. “I understand.”

Astoria turned to look at her, then. Seeing her teared up made something inside Ginny snap, and she reached out, held Astoria's cheeks in her hands, thumbing at her messy tears. 

“Harry and I were in love for a long time, but… I think he knows just as well as I do that the love we feel now is purely platonic.” She smiled—chuckled. “In fact, a small part of me suspects whatever he feels for Draco right now is more intense than what he ever felt for me.” 

That tore a laugh out of Astoria. 

“I would not be surprised if that was the case. Those two…” She shook her head. “They're incorrigible.”

Ginny groaned in agreement. A moment later, though, her smile faded away and she was left with Astoria's face cradled in her hands. Their legs pressed together, their eyes searching the other's face. Scared, but hopeful. 

Sliding her hands down Astoria's neck and shoulders, and then squeezing her arms, Ginny let out a slow, deep breath. 

“I think we need to have a conversation with our husbands.”

***

“You… What?” 

To Harry's credit, he looked more baffled than anything else. 

“We're in love,” Astoria repeated, voice steady, but gaze pleading with Draco to understand. 

“I… Okay. Okay. Give me one second.” Harry turned around and sat down on the nearest chair. 

Draco remained still. As far as Ginny was aware, he’d barely even blinked since they'd started explaining the situation to them.

“Are you going to say anything?” Harry asked after a moment, turning to Draco. When Draco shook his head, gaze still fixed in some distant point in space, Harry stood again, leaning his weight against the table. “Okay, so first of all, this is all extremely awkward.” 

“We were aware of that much, thank you,” Astoria said. 

“I mean, both of you are pregnant. With our babies.” He gestured between him and Draco. “Not to mention that we're married, although that's slightly less permanent…” 

Draco huffed, and the three of them turned to him. When he didn't say anything, Harry continued. 

“But I guess it… makes sense? I mean—you two are sort of like… the perfect opposites, you know. I always knew you would get on well. I didn't suspect you'd get on this well, but, hey—” 

“Have you—” Draco's head seemed to be stuck mid-shake, eyes scrunched closed. “Have you done anything? With one another?” 

“No, darling.” The word sounded different, Ginny thought, when Astoria used it for Draco. “We were waiting to tell you.” 

He nodded, but didn't say anything else. When Astoria approached him, Ginny took a step back to give them some space and leaned into the table with Harry. 

“I love you,” she told him. 

“And I you,” Harry said, eyes low. Gulping, he took Ginny's hand in his. “But… I mean, I think both of us had noticed that something was… that something wasn't…” 

“I know.” She squeezed his hand. “I know.” 

He looked up at her, and Merlin, he looked so, so vulnerable in that moment that Ginny wished more than ever that she could love him the way he deserved to be loved. But that simply wasn’t for her to do.

“I still would like for us to raise our son together,” he murmured. 

“We will. Harry, I don't care what happens from now on. You're still my best friend, and you're still the father of my kid. Nothing is going to change that. Okay?” 

Harry nodded, and, biting his lip, turned his gaze to Draco and Astoria. After a moment, Ginny did too. 

Draco was crying. 

“Come on, let's give them some space,” she said, pushing herself off the table. Harry followed her out of the room. 

***

“Draco…”

No reply came. Harry looked at him, but Draco's gaze was fixed somewhere outside the car window. 

They'd spent countless hours inside that car, in that very watch post. Hours chatting, and bickering, and taking turns to sleep while the other watched the house for any signs of activity. 

It had never been awkward before now. 

“Look, we need to talk,” Harry said. Draco huffed, unamused. “We need to talk because we both know our wives are not the only ones who’d noticed something wasn’t right before yesterday’s conversation. They were just the only ones brave enough to be upfront about it.” 

In the moment it took Draco to turn around, Harry thought of Draco's head on his shoulder; of the way it had felt when Draco had fallen asleep there, of the way he'd been so careful not to let it fall so Draco wouldn't wake up. He thought of the way their arms brushed whenever they walked, wands in hand, toward a dangerous location. Thought of the very reason they'd been so adamant that their wives should come with them on this mission: a truth they'd refused to confront, and that had gone and slapped them in the face anyway. 

“Do you understand how terrifying this is for me?” Draco finally said, body turned to Harry, but gaze fixed on his knees. “To know that my life as I know it, as I always expected it to be, is over? Do you think”—he looked up at Harry, and Merlin, he looked so scared Harry had to hold back from reaching out to him—“that I haven't noticed that I'm in love with Harry Potter, and not with the woman I'm about to have a baby with?” 

Harry held his breath. Searched in Malfoy's eyes, desperately, for any hint that he was about to take back his words. Then, almost out of breath:

“I'm in love with you too.”

Draco let out a desperate laugh. 

“I know that, you bloody idiot,” he choked out. “Fuck, I know.”

Harry bit his lip. Reached out, rested a hand over Draco's trembling, fisted own. 

For a few moments, neither spoke. 

“I'm sorry,” Harry murmured eventually. “I'm sorry things can't be different.” 

Draco started playing with Harry's fingers, and Harry closed his eyes—marvelled in how warm Draco's hands felt. How careful they were even as he fidgeted. 

“I'm glad they told us,” Draco said. “I want Astoria to be happy, and I know she'd never be completely happy with me.” A sigh. “I wouldn't, either. Not with her. I just… I need some time to come to terms with it.” 

Harry's fingers turned and turned between Draco's nervous own. 

“That's okay. I don't mind waiting for you.”

Their eyes met. 

“Okay,” Draco said. 

Harry squeezed his hand. Smiled. 

“Okay.”

***

The whoosh of the hearth letting someone through was quickly followed by two high-pitched squeals. By two very excited cries of, “Daddy!” 

Harry smiled to himself when he heard Draco's laughter coming from the living room as he—presumably—was tackled to the floor by Albus and Scorpius. 

“Boooys,” Harry called after a moment. “Come grab some cookies from the kitchen!” 

A few seconds later, the two five-year-old tornadoes were rushing toward the tray, barely sparing Harry a glance. Harry shook his head, grinning. 

“Where's my hug?” 

“Daddy!” Albus, face already full of crumbs, ran toward Harry's arms. “Your cookies are the best!” 

“Mmh!” Scorpius agreed. 

“I'm glad you like them.” Harry ruffled Al's hair. “Do save some for later, though!” 

Draco walked in, grabbed a cookie. “How are your mums?” he asked while he gave Harry a sonorous kiss on the cheek, the crumbs on Draco’s mouth scratching against his stubble. 

Harry was about to complain when Albus stretched his arms out, asking to be picked up. 

“They have a date today,” he—quite loudly—whispered in Harry's ear. 

“Do they, now!” 

“A date in a restawant with candles and a lot of different forks,” Albus explained. “And—and they were wearing really pretty dresses!” 

“Really? What colour?” Draco asked, picking Scorpius up too. 

“Mum's was red,” Scorpius said. “And mummy's was, uh, it was really pretty, and—” 

“And sparkly!” Albus squealed. “Black and sparkly!” 

“Wow! I don’t think Draco and I own anything so pretty!” Harry turned to Draco. “What do you think?” 

“Hmmm…” Draco dragged the sound out, sharing a mischievous look with Scorpius. “I’m not sure… I think we might have some sparkly garments hidden in the back of our wardrobe, but I’m sure Al and Scorp won’t be interested in—”

“We want to see!” Scorpius screamed, wiggling in his father’s arms. 

“We want to see, we want to see!” Albus chanted.

Harry and Draco shared a smile. 

“Very well, then,” Draco said solemnly, setting Scorpius down. “Let’s see which of you can find the prettiest clothes in our bedroom for us to wear today.” 

The kids darted upstairs, and, before following them, Harry took Draco’s hand in his and kissed his husband’s cheek in return.

[itsjusta]

WEEKLY UPDATE # 9

Dec. 6

I slept good gabii and dali rako ka sleep kos gikan ko cry hahah but my heart is so heavy doe idkkk a lot of thoughts bother me. getting news about your lovelife makes my heart heavy because aishhh but i’m really happy for you doeee

i will try not to cry na cos i’m always crying na doe i look like an idiot naaa i just hope the heaviness goes away cos it’s so lain sa feeling (i cried after dis doe hahaahahah 🥺)

it’s 10:30 am pa but i’m crying na aishhh why i cry in the morning and at night aishhhh why does everything have to hurt this much doe :( i really am happy for you but it hurts so, so much to see you opening your heart and giving your love to another. i’m happy na you’re going to new places and going on adventures that we didn’t have the opportunity na to go to. it hurts na we didn’t have the chance to go to these places together but i hope you fill this new chapter of your life with adventures and i hope you have the best time of your life ❤️ i’ll support u gyd bsag unsa pana 🤗 someday soon, i will get over with all this pain. somedaaaay.

today was just chill but my heart was heavy the whole day. i dont like days these doe but its okay, i will see better days. i just wish btaw na by one year na break nata, i’m gonna be better and you’ll also be genuinely happy na. i hope things will be better for us by then.

also at dinner doe i was pusa-ing the sili in my sauce and i remember when we have sauce kay ako gyd tig lata sa sili cos ma scared ka and imo i cover imo eyes or magpalayo hahahahah aishhh what a scaredy cat 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

i also looked at mom’s pics in her gallery doe she has pics of us sa house atong mga april and i miss those days aiissshhh i was happy back then, we were happy. i wasn’t dealing with a heartbreak, i was just enjoying quarantine pa and now its been months na so sad and kapoy hayst ux2 ko nalang bumalik :(((((

Dec. 7

separate post hehe

Dec. 8

Woke up with a heavy heart doe. This morning, I asked for strength from the Lord. I have a feeling you and I are gonna undergo a lot of changes doe. idk i’m so weird but i have a feeling you will start to distance yourself from me and it’s gonna be super hard for me gyd so i’m asking na my heart can take the pain 😔

but u know what, i went to the backyard today and i saw na it’s such a beautiful day today doe. the sun is up and it sounds so calm and i realized na i should not waste a beautiful day like this being sad hehe and i wanna say this to u but im shy cos u didnt reply to me na hahaha but i want u to also enjoy this beautiful day!!! ♥️♥️ i hope you will be happy today doe and good luck with everything! (HEY IDIOT U VISITED TUMBLR JUST BEFORE I WROTE THIS PLS COME BACK AND READ THIS PART COS I REALLY WANT U TO READ THIS PARAGRAPH 🥺)

after the sun went down, na sad napd dayon ko doe aishhh i get so annoyed with my thoughts doe cos i always think like where u are, what u doin stuff like dat and it annoys meee cos ako ramay gaka bother nge :((( so i sometimes turn my active status sa messenger off so i dont see nga offline ka or online naka doe aishhhh i hate this brain doe dapat not na sya sge think about saimoha everyday!!!!

also, u played poker tonight and i just wanna tell u to amping pauli doe cos its very gabii na u drive safely okay and i hope u have fun playing but dont gasto too much 🤦🏻‍♀️ i’ll just say this here cos i dont want u to think na im samok samoking u too much hehe pls amping always!

Dec. 9

I went to the backyard again this morning and I talked to the Lord doe and naka cry ko hahah I just told Him everything has been so hard doe and I wish for the bad days to end soon. Right now, I think I’m just borrowing strength nalang gyd from others doe cos my heart is so tired na doeee hehe but i know all of this will end i can fully accept na gyd everything and even then, i will always have love for you. Thank you also doe for giving me strength. 🤗

Today was a better day doeee not so many things running through my mind heheh

Dec. 10

Heyyy thank u so much for today doe and for the gifts heheh i had fun today!!! and i was really happy cos its like our tambays sauna here in the house na we just being idiots lang 🥺 i’m also happy that we’re not awkward doe cos aish dats so lain hahahah

u know i imagined na i would cry a lot this day cos i was planning to tell u gyd like face to face of my feelings, like how i’m so proud of u and how i will always be there but idk i get shy na dayon in person HAHAHAH but i think u got my msg na with the letters doe cry pa gani ka a lot heehhe not my fault 🤪🤪🤪

also i hope not ko ipa maoy2 na dayon the next days cos ang motto raba sako life karon kay happy for 1 day, sad for 1 month! ahhahah grrr 😡 but thank u very much!!!!! dat was a much needed hang out doe thank u ♥️

if u want a break from everything, i’m always just here in the house with the idiot dogs hahahah i’m always here for u doe!

Dec. 11

it’s back to my old life nga wala i look forward again!!! hahahaha 😢😢 I went to the dentist today to pa pasta doe and i tot everything was okay na with dad like balo na sya pila cos mom man nag say saiya doe and mom said okay na but when i said now nga 4,700 tanan including my pills he pamalikas doe i was so bv

i said to mom cancel nalang cos dad was yawyaw na big na daw au gasto saako teeth and i wasn’t the one raba gyd nga nag say magpapasta many it was mom but i thought nag agree najd sila doe aishhh i dont like gyd nga mangayo kwarta kay daddy doe cos it makes me feel utangan and i dont like feeling like dat cos i dont wanna be indebted to him i dont like having connections with him hahahah

i think i cannot have gyd a good relationship with him doe cos i got traumatized by the things he did in the past maybe if i have money na in the future magpa therapy ko doe to resolve issues in my past maybe ma forgive nako sya and ma okay2 nami doe and i think i’ll also become a better person if i can resolve my issues with him doeee

mom also chika that she didnt ila u yesterday abi niya tig deliver ka sa lazada kay ikaw daw nag tunol and nag mask and kalo pa gyd daw ka hhahaha aishhh she just asked a few things also doe hehe u visit dis idiot again soon! i uban2 also to her sa laguindingan naa lang gihatag kay ate sweet

i was also pissed with khalid doe cos he got a task na tig 2000 words each two kabuok and i said 1,500 he said overpriced daw?!?!? he said 1k ra daw kayahay buh!!!!!! aish idk doe if im really overpricing i wanna ask u now but i think u dont wanna talk to me now doe heheh next time nalng if mag talk nata

its gabii na doe and naa ko friend nag chika saiya 2020 tas nag ask sya how my 2020 went issa naka hilak na nuon ko doe cos it makes me cry to remember everything jd HAHAHAH aisshhh imbis wala pako ka cry today 🥺

Dec. 12

good morning!! u amping going to binuangan doe!! 😊

i went to the mall this afternoon i like to lakaw2 cos it takes my mind off things but usahay ra au ko makalakaw aishh

Dec. 13

today was a very boriiing and long day doe nag tan awa rajd ko teen wolf tibuok adlaw as in!!! i also cried for like 5 mins kay mag sleep unta ko pero aish u know what, bisag dugay2 na inani ako life like wala jd koy ka storya whole day, mag tan awa rako, lain gyd ghapon sa feeling doe. it’s like anad naman ko nga inani pero dili gihapon ko anad nga i feel so empty doe like idkkk hollow lang jd ang feeling :((

i just miss really being happy gyd doeee now i mostly feel like okay lang or sad. usahay lang ko ma happy but not gyd genuinely happy and it still makes me cry doe loollzzttt days like these i really want someone to say na all will be okay, but ako nalang gyd mag tell sa ako self ana doe cos days like these all i got is myself gyd

[remmiesaloser]

13 Years | 4 Weeks

honestly, I dont know which of the two have been longer in my life. 

so recently I ended a 13 year long relationship with the guy I've been dating since my freshman year of high school. it took me this long to understand, acknowledge, and accept the relationship was emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive and thanks two my two best friends and a very nice therapist I asked him to move out.

I thought the overwhelming life style change would be the hardest. I haven't been alone since I was 14 and it took me a long time to build up the courage to end things because I am terrified of change and had little to no idea what to do without him. to my surprise I've adapted to being alone pretty well. the loneliness does get to me sometimes - I miss those moments we had where we could have a conversation without speaking. I miss over a decade’s worth of inside jokes, and it still hurts when I see something and instantly think of him cause it was our thing.

its a daily struggle to remind myself why I did this because its frighteningly easy to minimize the damage he did when he’s not here to do it every day. the gaslighting and emotional manipulation isn't something that just switches off or diminishes with distance. somehow, in some super shitty, unfair way, it gets worse. because im left alone with my thoughts that he’s managed to turn against me and they’re still working angles for him that catch me off-guard sometimes. I still battle with guilt for making him move out, because I feel terrible that now he’s stuck living with his mom and all his things are in boxes. and I hate that it’s gonna take a long time for that to go away. 

but I digress. because all of that isn’t the hardest part. the hardest part is getting him the fuck out of this apartment. we 'ended things’ April 5th. there are quotes around that because we haven’t officially broken up. like, I told him I needed a break till he gets his shit together, and he’s all but moved out, but I haven’t even changed our relationship status on Facebook (yay, guilt!) and we haven't really agreed that we’re broken up. Jesus, again I digress. ANYWAYS. I knew it was gonna be a process to move him out because our lives are so intertwined that we’ve had to go through rooms and drawers and boxes one by one separating our shit. and this process has been fucking agonizing because he is dragging his goddamn feet. 

Initially I thought we were gonna bang this out in a weekend, get all the shit out and be done. A month later, and there’s still a pile of his shit at the top of the stairs, a handful of things in the corner of the living room (including the giant china cabinet filled with his things) and his grandmother’s dishes in my cupboards. but that’s a post for another day. because right now im just gonna vent about him taking his sweet ass time, being insanely petty, and still somehow fucking manipulating me when he doesn’t even live here anymore. 

honestly the pettiness and inconsideration for my own time and requests is the biggest thing that’s getting to me, what’s driving me to write this. most of the time he’s been here for his shit, his mom’s been with him, and I was chalking up a lot of the pettiness to her. because he’d be here to get the things from the living room, and hours after they'd left I’d notice small things had been taken from other parts of the house. now some of the stuff he’s taken was his, just something I was using with him that I’d assumed he’d at least mention he was taking. im a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them and honestly unless it’s something from my family or something that I bought that was expensive, I don’t care. he can have it. It’s more the fact that, when I need something all of a sudden I cant find it and realize he took it. 

like, his nana’s pots and pans. They’re a really nice set his mom let us have and I fully expected them gone. my only request was that he give me a heads up so I could go out and get my own set when he planned to take them because with them gone, all I’d have left is a few frying pans. This is our conversation from that weekend:  

This was Saturday afternoon. He never told me he wasn’t going to come by Saturday, and gave me a 15 minute heads up he was on his way over on Sunday - which did me no good because I wasn’t even home. That meant I couldn’t clean out the dressers (I didnt want to do it until the day he was going to get them because I would have to leave my clothes on the bed until I could get my own dresser from my parent’s house once his were gone). When I got home, all of my clothes were thrown on my bed and the ground.I had to rewash a bunch of shit, refold everything, and then clean the entire room from the mess that was made. 

fucking on top of that, his mom decided to take the pots and pans. I’d specifically asked him Saturday because I was going to Walmart and could have bought a new set for myself while there. I didn't want to buy them until I needed to because I’m trying to save money and didn’t get paid that weekend, so I figured if he’s not taking them I don’t need to get things until I get paid next weekend. Wrong. I had to go out that night again and get a set because, as I said, all I had were 3 frying pans and a skillet thing. Oddly enough, she didn’t take the dishes. They were her mom’s, just like the pots and pans, and for some reason she didn’t want them... don’t worry, I already plan to pack them up this weekend and give them back because lord knows what’ll happen if I dont and she decides she wants them six years from now. 

honestly though the biggest level of petty was the Tylenol PM. I know, it’s not a big deal. But it’s just one of those little things that I stopped and was like, are you fucking kidding me. I noticed that, after taking his bed and dressers, the pack of tissues he’d got us from Sam’s was gone. Again, he bought them, whatever. would’ve been nice for him to tell me so I had a heads up to fucking get them when I was at Walmart but whatever. he also took a 6-pack of toilet paper he’d gotten literally the day we ended things (because he’d gone to king Soopers with his mother instead of talking to me about the fight we’d had) and he’d initially told me to keep it, it was for me anyways. I noticed just last weekend it was gone. 

but the fucking Tylenol PM. I'm not one to buy brand name medicine. if I can get store brand, I will. Almost all my medicine is store brand except that Tylenol PM because I was really sick one year and wanted the good stuff. Y’all know how expensive Tylenol is. I sprang for it, and I used it sparingly because I didnt want to have to buy more if I didn’t really need it. Well, two weekends ago I fell down a fucking mountain. I was running a trail down a mountain, tripped, flew through the air, and landed on my shoulder and kneecap. It still hurts, and that day I was in a lot of pain. The regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen that I’d been switching back and forth with all day just wasn’t doing the trick and I was like, okay. this is a Tylenol PM kind of pain. That night, right before bed, I went to grab it from the bathroom cabinet. 

it was gone. the rest of my medicines, the store brand acetaminophen and store brand ibuprofen, those were still there, but the Tylenol PM was gone. It has exclusively only lived either on the dresser/nightstand in the bedroom, or the bathroom cabinet. as he took the dresser and nightstand, and it wasn’t in the cabinet, it had been taken. I cannot tell you how livid I was. it still pisses me off. because of all the things to take he took that. Not the rest of his bathroom shit, not even all his shit from the bedroom. but he took the Tylenol PM. I even asked if he knew where it might be - thinking he’d come across it at some point. he told me “it’s always been in the linen closet” where the rest of our medicines are. It was never there, but I checked the entire closet just in case - nothing. Again, I know it’s small. it’s just a bottle of pills. but it’s the whole damn thought behind it. 

there’s more things too - the fact that no, he doesn’t take all his things from a certain room, and I have to then box the rest of his shit up, move it out of my way, and clean the room that he trashed. 

It’s the fact that 90% of the things on our walls were his (which helps show me how little say I had on my own things in the apartment I exclusively pay for) and now that he’s taken them, he’s left the walls, hooks, and nails behind. most of them are up way above my head - he needed a ladder to put them in - and now they’re littered all over the wall. today, as he worked to get the shit from our front bedroom (hopefully the last things he’ll need to get) I asked him if he could also get the nails and hooks out of the wall because I can’t reach them. he asked me, “did you try using the step-ladder?”. I answered no, and he simply said, “that should work then”. Like, no. you put those up, so you could display all the things of yours YOU wanted to display (3 out of 4 walls in the room were covered with his things) and now he can’t even take the tacks down even though he took the hangings down. 

and then of course, it’s the fact that he just leaves a mess in his wake. when he first moved things out of the living room it was a mess. I spent hours rearranging shit, packing up the rest of his shit that he left behind, and then cleaning up everything because I still have to live here. it was the same with the bedroom. and now it’s gonna be the same thing with the front room. I told him today that everything needs to be out by next weekend because I can’t do this every weekend. He asked what I meant by ‘this’ and explained that I was tired of having to clean up everything that got messed up. He told me simply “it’s not being destroyed. I’m just taking my things”. At the moment the entire room was in shambles, everything askew from him digging his things out and leaving my stuff lying in piles. It’s cleaned up now - save the pile of boxes and junk at the top of the stairs - but I told him I have to clean up the mess that’s left behind. He didn’t have an answer for that. 

Honestly there’s really not a point to this. I’m just pissed, I’m annoyed, and I’m angry, and I’m sad. I’m just tired. And I wanted to vent. So if you stuck with me through this, I wanna thank you for listening. I appreciate being heard, because I haven’t been for so long. your time means a lot to me. 

[bigbangcowgirl73]

fuck the brain

so for this update, we are going to break it up. make it a little easier...well somewhat..so are going to break over so ill play the OCD card and have sub-categories (:

With that said let’s get started <3

  1. Health-- so I think as I have discussed at the beginning of this blog I explained that I have epilepsy and I hate admitting that. I am embarrassed beyond words with it. I use to be a social butterfly, and now the idea of going out to the world and being apart of other things is a little nerve-racking to me. Before July in 2019, we thought that I wasn't going to have any more seizures that it was all fixed and I was “cured” for a better lack of words, I haven't had a seizure for almost 3 years so life was looking good. Now with that said before we all get excited and we try to figure all are asking questions, my neurologist, dr. g requested an EEG in the beginning of the year because I came I told them that I have not been taking my medicine for about 6 months and have been doing just fine. the reason being for this is because I was just simply at first was forgetting then I got didn't have a certain amount so I got behind and then it just turned into me not taking them. Well, when we had the EEG I still had the abnormal brainwaves (a quick explanation on EEG’s..pretty much a helmet of little wires they hook to your head and it tells you what kind of brain waves you have). Not my best day. So I had a seizure back in July I assumed because I was depressed from what learned in April I was taking care of my body, I was sleeping well, not doing the best with my body. Then I had one about 2 weeks ago, after that, I have been anxiety attacks whenever I please, my depression is flying off the walls. So now my neurologist has decided that I need to have a service dog for these reasons. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a couple of years back, but it was never this bad as it is now. so now me having to even think about having a service is kind of hard, because I’ve always been embarrassed with the idea of just almost anyone knowing about it. like if I didn't have to tell a friend about it then I won't. there's been soo many timeeeesss that I thought i have told a friend and then something will happen that it would come up and they wouldn't know a thing about it. 

  -Love: alrighty so this subtext will be fun. so y’all remember daffy? well, we’re pretty much still in that sloth relationship that I was explaining. and since we still can't think of a better word we’re going to stick with that until I say otherwise alright? good glad we agreed. so when I had my last seizure I was with him and about as close as I could get with a person while having a seizure. he was laying on top of me when it happened. yeahhhh good moment for the sloth and lady sloth right? well, I could remember after it was waking up hurling on his favorite sweater that I was wearing at the time barely getting to the sink and hurling all over that than falling on the floor and wanting to die. then I remember barely opening my eyes, daffy was standing over me he cleaned up my throw up, this is going to be so cheesy but I thought he has to be prince charming he's going to clean up this shit off of me. then he took off the throw up sweater off of me put on a different shirt and carried me to his room. next thing I know i wake up and I don't really remember the rest. I remember bits and pieces but that's about it. I just remember thinking that he may not be perfect and he might have a shitty past, him and I are overly different, but he just might the prince charming I was looking for. bad boy in skinny jeans with a sailor's mouth and can be an asshole sometimes but makes me smile no matter what and makes me feel safe and all these other things that do not fall into this subtext. 

-Friendship-- when my friend cotton found out that I had a seizure he didn't really do a whole bunch of what I friend is supposed to do I believe, I mean when my friends have found out in the past they freak out are wanting to know if I'm okay did I die asking weird questions. but cotton he just didnt. and it really pissed me off! and he’s supposed to be my best friend, but he hasn't been one lately. I'm not liking it. 

-School-- the school hasn't gotten scary now. my teachers are really supportive but I feel so far behind and I cant remember. and this is the shit part. my neurologist thinks the reason why I'm having such a hard time remembering is that I have PTSD so he is wanting me to go to PSYCHIATRIST..arent those for people who are really fucked up in the head or something? I would see why but I'm not excited about it. maybe I can talk may out of it. I've gone to a therapist before and it did me no good. if anything it did me worse. but now I'm so scared to anything with school because what if I fail what if something goes wrong and it stresses me out so much that I have a seizure or have such a bad anxiety attack that I have a seizure. 

2. Friendship/Love- so I was going to split up these two categories but since they collide each other by a lot it would get way too confusing so this seemed easier at the end of the day. 

  So as you could guess this will have to do with cotton and daffy. pretty fun combination. especially since they both don't like each other. which is super fun. so with that said, cotton since the beginning has talked bad about daffy. and I would just ignore it usually, especially since he would just be talking about his past mainly and I really wouldn't care because when daffy would say anything about he would calmly say its in the past in the past for a reason. he's done that he’s not proud of, was he the best person back then probably not, would probably want to be around him..probably not, but then again knowing bigbangcowgirl lets just 2-3 years ago she would probably still go for it. but daffy just never talked about cotton even though he didn't like him, he knew that he was my best friend he wouldn't. cotton would, I ignored for the most part. there was something I would question, but then daffy would bring down somewhere along the yellow brick road and i would be just fine once again. with my past of shit guys. daffy has been so straight forward and not hidden anything from it so relaxing and he’s been so trustworthy! Cotton has been such a bad friend and it just took me yesterday to put two and two together after daffy was pointing out something towards me and then yesterday I just don't trust him anymore. I'm really pissed. I know my mom and cotton talk and i told her last night when I got done coaching to not talk to him anymore for awhile. I don't want you to talk to him. I don't trust him right now. he's my friend, but I don't like how he’s been treating me and seems to be manipulating you and putting up this front to you and dad. 

-Family- those last two sentences kind of collided with this sub-category but that’s fine. so me and daffy decided that we wouldn’t meet my parents for a while cause that would just make it official and legit serious, like would be switching from sloth to penguins. if y’all don't know what that means, I can’t help you. go to google. which was fine by me. I'm a daddy’s girl some even telling my dad about nick was already a little scary. I didn't want my dad to meet another guy I've been seeing for a while until I knew it was going to be serious and would last, so he would stop meeting these pos kind of guys. Well with daffy, they’re outstandingly opposite. like its crazy different. it's kind of funny though. but what gives me the slightest bit of hope is that daffy makes me happy, he takes care of me, he wants me to be happy, for an example, he could’ve cared less if my parents didn’t like him, but since he knows that a big thing to him, it bothers him and he wants to fix it. my father thinks that he doesn’t make me happy just because the only time I have been on the phone with daffy these past couple of days when I was the house we were bickering about stuff. so yeah, if that's your first opinion I could see why, but what he doesn't know is that I've been on the phone with him multiple times, been texting him multiple times, been smiling because of him multiple times, but because I didn't want my dad to know that he existed because of our sloth-like relationship I just said it was cotton cause my dad knows that he’s in n. carolina and there's no way in hell I will be leaving texas just for some boy. 

  now then, I don't really think my dad will ever like any boy I am with. just for the fact of him thinking no man is good enough for my little girl fact. which is fine I understand that. no biggie. I agree. I'm adorable. but if he has respect for daffy, understands that daffy cares about me respect me, doesn't hurt me emotionally/physically like any other guy has in the past, and makes me happy. then I know that’s all that matters to him. 

  and another perk is that my mom loves him. she is a little concerned cause she knows that he is a bad boy and has a bad past, but she knows that she he has done what he needs to do make him improve and make him a better man. also now that I have pointed all that cotton has lied about and pulled off his mask that he’s been wearing. daffy doesn’t look bad anymore. now I say that because cotton has been trying to make daffy look bad by comparing those two together. which is one of the major things that I noticed yesterday. one of the biggest things that pissed me off the most.

sloth relationship, or penguin relationship. nobody is going to make my man look bad or talk shit about him especially if I know you and I know what you’re saying and your’ purpose behind it. not okay. 

[salfordiansiren]

Interview Questions for Ren Harvieu, God is in the TV ‘In Conversation with…’article

We do like to ask some ‘off-the-wall’ questions, also some slightly tongue-in-cheek and left-field ones not connected to the music business at all. There are also a few multiple questions and I’ve mixed them up a bit so that the subjects keep changing. Many of them are open-ended, giving you the opportunity to be as verbose as you wish.  Please ignore any question you do not wish to answer.

Hi Lauren, my name is David Bentley, I write for a UK-based e-zine God is in the TV (GIITTV).

The objective of this interview, which will be published in GIITTV within a week of receiving your responses, is to introduce you to a new audience in the UK and abroad and to promote your forth on ming album.

The interview will also feature some embedded videos and/or audio unless you ask us not to do that.

There will be an ‘introduction’ to the interview but that will be written after its completion.

Thanks for agreeing to take part.

So, here we go…

 

Hi Lauren, thanks for joining us today. How are you?

I’m in a great mood today thanks. I had foot surgery last week and so I cant leave the house or really move for 6 weeks but I feel strangely calm about the whole thing, I dont mind bein

 

For the benefit of readers who may not be familiar with you, how would you describe yourself as an artist, in a paragraph?

 

 

You have released two singles, ‘Teenage Mascara’ and just now ‘Yes, Please’ from your second album, ‘Revel in the Drama’ which is scheduled for next April and the first one was well received by broadcasting ‘tastemakers’. How does the album differ from the first one, ‘Through the Night?’

 

The difference between Revel In The Drama and Through The Night is that this is a much more personal album. I spent the last couple of years honing my songwriting craft and these lyrics have come straight from my gothic salfordian brain. Its darker, more intense, stranger but still has the beauty of Through The Night. I think both albums sit nicely together.

 

 

Since 2015 you’ve been co-writing with Romeo Stodart of the Magic Numbers and he appeared on stage with you at your recent concerts. Will that relationship continue? Do you prefer to control the songwriting process yourself, or are you content to work with other music or lyric writer(s) into the future? If the latter, who has the final say?

I’ll keep writing with romeo till I die if he wants to. He’s the best of the best, and he understands me. I never really felt understood as an artist till I met him. I feel so comfortable in his presence that I let it allllll out, not just the versions of me t

 

You signed with Universal, a huge corporation, as a 17-year old. Is that too young, or are there any benefits in being ‘bloodied’ in the industry at such a tender age?

I think I was too young, although Universal were great that wasn’t the problem. But there was a lot going on behind the scenes that I was dealing with. I wasn’t a show biz kid from a showbiz family and I had real problems that seemed bigger than singing about about being dumped by some boy. I felt too young and overwhelmed but also too streetwise and smart for it all. It was a confusing time.

They say that everything happens for a reason. In 2011 you suffered a life-changing event, just as your debut album was about to be released, and one which set you back several years. Eight years on do you think the dreadful accident in which you broke your back has had any positive repercussions?

I think there had been positive repercussions,I dont think I would have started writing if it wasn’t for the accident. I dont

 

What attracted you to signing with Bella Union for your new album?

Well

 

Do you have any role models in the music business? A hero or heroine? Anyone you would enjoy being “mentioned in the same breath” with? (Dusty Springfield comes to mind, also perhaps Shirley Bassey).

 

I really admire Fiona apple because she does whatever the hell she wants. And her records are stunning, unique and completely un compromising.

You are compared occasionally with Elkie Brooks (I’ve done it myself!), a different kind of singer perhaps but a highly respected one who hails from the same city, and even the same suburb as you. And she’s still performing, in her seventies. Is there anything you feel you can learn from her and, indeed, are you ever in contact with her?

I dont know Elkie personally but I love her shes a legend. Rising Cost Of Love is my jam!

 

 

You left Salford and relocated to London a while ago. Do you miss it? How did the move impact on your creativity?

I really miss the north, everything about it but I needed to leave because I was really sad and I knew if i didnt do something soon I was going to slip down the back alleyof my mind and maybe disappear forever. I have memories on every street, bus stops make me emotional. Corner shops where me and my friend would try and get booze in our school, theres just memories everywhere and I needed a clean break. To create some distance so I could write about it

When you’re writing, how do most of your songs start life? A piano part? A chord? A melody? Does inspiration simply come, or do you have to seek it?

I feel inspired everyday by everything. When writing a song I like to visualise it, like a film, frame by frame. Sometimes I move around, dance, put on voices. Romeo will play something off the cuff that’s so beautiful that I’ll just start shouting and laughing and hugging him. Its the closest I get to spirituality. Writing wise, I want the narrative to have as much depth as possible, I want to feel something and I feel it is my duty to give the emotion and the stories the respect they deserve. I take it very seriously.

 

Do you see yourself as a live artist, or a recording artist, or both?

I see myself as both. I get to appease the introvert in me by being in the studio and attend to the outrovert by playing live.

 

How would you personally measure ‘success’? By ‘breaking’ America? Or something more modest?

Success to me would mean I get to create and perform music for all time and make a living on it. Success to me would mean that people are touched and moved by my music. I would love to be a voice to someone that can comfort them, just as say Rufus Wainwirght was to me when I was a depressed 14 year old. I’m not doing this just to stroke my own fragile ego, I genuinely want to reach o

 

When I saw your show at the Deaf Institute in Manchester recently, in one song (I think it was ‘Cruel Disguise’), you reached and sustained a note that convinced me and those in my company that you could probably tackle opera singing. Do you have any ambitions to perform in that or any other genre?

I would love to learn opera. I think

 

Back in 2012, while you were recovering, you performed several James Bond film theme tunes with the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra, including ‘You only live twice’ and ‘Nobody does it better’, both of which arguably could be applied to you. Do you picture yourself as a ‘Bond girl’ in the sense of recording the theme to a future movie, or do you even have any acting ambitions to actually play such a role? After all, the new album is constructed so that you can “revel in the drama of my life” as you say. (Incidentally, a female friend of mine – also from Salford – commented that you look like a 1950s Hollywood movie star).

Tell your friend I said thanks a lot! I would love to sing a Bond theme, I feel like it could happe

Acting wise I’m open to it, why not?

 

I saw one of your Christmas Special shows at the Soup Kitchen in Manchester in 2015. During the show you told a story about how a school choirmaster prevented you joining a musical assembly on four occasions for no better reason than that there was something about you that he didn’t like. Your rejoinder to that was “Well, fuck him” and of course you soon went on to release demos on MySpace which were picked up by a local manager and sent on to Amy Winehouse’s producer. The rest is history. A new song, ‘Little Raven’ was written cathartically as one to your younger self when you had no label and didn’t know if it would ever be recorded. What advice would you give to young people who find doors being slammed in their face as that schoolmaster did to you?

If anyone is picking you, school teachers, other kids, parents, anyone i would say to

If schoolmasters are singling you out and picking on you, its probably because your different and they cant stand

 

 

What touring plans do you have to support the release of the new album?

We are organising a tour right now around the UK, quite a big one its really exciting. I also cant wait to tour outside of England, I’ve never done that.

 

If you weren’t a musician what would you be? Do you ever aspire to being ‘something else’ entirely (model, politician, footballer, train driver…?!)

I think I’d try and be a fiction writer. I love books and stories and characters. I heard Donna Tartt say something life ‘as much fun as it is to read a book, writing one is one level deeper’ There’s something about losing myself into another world entirely that really appeals to me.

 

The environment. Whose viewpoint are you closest to? Donald Trump or Greta Thunberg?

 Greta or course.

United or City?

United

 

Coronation Street or EastEnders?

Corrie

 

Thanks again and good luck with the album and your future career.

[sammlethal]

Anyone ever tell you that they do not love you? At that point when you have stars in your eyes and that person fills your heart to bursting? Have you ever given someone every single emotion there is to give? From rage to tears of joy? Emotions from both your personal stock and theirs?

Its like we live in a time period where actual love is dead. Everything is selfish. Everyone. Me included.

My father quit on me. Packed all mine and my siblings belongings into small plastic shopping bags and dropped us off 6 hours away in my mothers neighborhood, not sure which house was hers. I had to hold my brother and sister's hands while knocking door to door, looking for my mom. I was 12.

That was a couple years after the era of beatings, after the era of divorce. After that Friday afternoon day at school; my mother was the school bus driver before the divorce. Everyday we rode home with her. Until my father picked us all up. It was fun for us kids. We NEVER got picked up, and by our father! What a thing! He drove us to our pastors house. We did not see our mother again for almost 5 years. In the State of Virgina, in the late 90s, it wasnt considered kidnapping for a biological parent to take off with the kids if they stay within state lines. And my mother must have given up after that. I imagine the evil that was my real father, and how crushed and scared she must have been. Only now do I know what it is she felt.

That was after the molestation of me and my sister by our God father/Sunday school teacher/the churches singing coach.

Then there was my first love. I was 17. She was 16. By 19 we had a daughter, her name is Serenity. My ex was a freak. My demanded things from me that I could not give her, not physically. So in order to keep her and my kid, I let her have her satisfaction and pleasure.

I guess someone screwed her over because she fabricated these fake police reports about a guy who kept coming after her and she said she called the cops over and over and he wouldnt leave her alone (she was 6 months preggo when this happened) and she didnt feel safe and I beat him up. I beat him up bad. Almost killed him. Turns out she lied and he had been paying her for preggo nude flicks and videos amd she felt he still owed her money. So she used my insecurities and my nature and set me on a course that led me to 5 years in prison. Then she left me. Yeah I know. I'm a fucking idiot. My only defense was that i was young and dumb and in love. Or so I thought. No really...i thought it was the right thing. That I was protecting my small, new family. And damnit man, family means the world to me. Probably because mine has been so fucked up lol.

Anyways I get out in 2015 and I meet a girl. She rocks my world in all new was and we CLICK. Like...humor and taste and the world issues we care about and nerdy things and the SEX IS ON FIRE. And I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I broke her heart. I got drunk. I started the road to becoming my biological father.

Then she left me. Which was biggest, greatest thing she could have ever done for me. I went spiraling out of control and ended up living in the woods.

Until she calls me one day. I had a new girlfriend. We did not CLICK lol...and as soon as me and her spoke I turned to that girl and told her we were not gonna work out.

You see. Me and my lady had a son together. A beautiful, handsome as hell and adorable baby boy. And he really became my world. I walked 7 miles to meet him. My feet had popped blisters by the time I got downtown and saw them. The whole time I'm walking I'm hopping she didnt leave. That she would wait. And she did.

Then I messed up again. I scared her. That time between when we broke up and when she came back...i did not do good. I found cocaine and alcohol and it led to a very big fight between the two of us. That night we fought I have never been more like my father than right then and there. And I payed for it. The next morning I was arrested. No one thought of rehab. No one had the sight to see the root of the issues. Or no one cared. It was back to prison for me. A parole violation.

I got out. We tried again. I failed again. Only this time nothing horribly bad had happened. She just wanted an escape. I know this because she has since told me so. That she wasn't IN LOVE with me and needed an escape. We had been split up almost a week. I will never forget. It started on a Wednesday night, I left and went to my mothers. That following Sunday the police beat down the door and arrested me AGAIN. Only this time nothing bad had happened. Not really. She just didnt want to be with me. And so she sent me away. For two more years. 2!

I get out. I find peace finally. I start taking care of mental health.

She comes back! Again! And once again I leave my girlfriend at the time, who by the way, had a heart of gold and did not deserve to get caught up in mine and my lovers drama. I will forever feel guilty about that and I hope she forgives me over time. But at the end...no one can replace my son's Mother. She is my other half. My best friend.

We've been going since April? May? It had been a few years and I had just gotten out a few months before and the Covid just hit so I was trying to get the family court papers started. I got in touch with a private detective to find her so I could have her served. The the last thing I expected was to get a call from her.

And here we are. I am struggling to learn all the important, fundamental life lessons that my parents failed to teach me. I am struggling to learn those crucial relationship lessons we learn when in our twenties...that era of my life that was spent locked away.

All i want is my family. Is to be loved. And to ve able to return that love. My life could have went a few different ways. But here I am, doing the right things as much as I see them. I beat myself up when I fail. I work hard doing general construction. I'm good at it too. I start school in the spring. Nothing fancy just community college. I am an awesome dad. An awesome lover. And I have a huge heart.

ALMOST every single day I am with my little family. My son's Mother and my son. She doesnt want me to move in...which I understand. She claims to be an introvert. Which I also understand. (Along with beating, my childhood was also spent locked in my room, grounded, for days on days on days).

And dont get it wrong. Me and her have some issues. Mine (I think?) are just basic life things I'm trying to wrap my head around, like I said, the things my parents failed me on. But at least I know that. I admit it. And I'm trying. Because I'm a good man who has been through hell and because of that hell, I love with a feirceness, I don't give up. I am patient. And I generally have a positive outlook on life. I would I am doing good, all things considered. Her issues? Jesus fucking Christ. You would swear the world is ending right now.

She is constantly breaking up with me. For example, this weekend I gave it to her in a way neither of us have had...im talking sex here...we both have this...fetish, both of us (how rare?) And we both click when we do these things. Anyways I left her empty of all juices. Then I massaged her a little that night, telling her how good and amazing she is. Then another nice massage a day or so later. She thanked me after the last one (massage I mean)...saying how her back didnt hurt in the morning and how she got her yoga done.

And now we are broken up. Right now. Again. It was last week when it happened. She calls me on Wednesday or Thursday and says that I got in her head. Then this awesome weekend happens. Then an awesome start to the week. Then tuesday, doing construction, I think i pulled something in my leg or gave myself a small hernia, because after work I was in pain and sore. I asked told her I wanted to stay home. Rest up. That the next day we were supposed to start this big window replacement job. 20 something windows. But no. We argued over it. I dont know why. I think she just really missed me. Or so I thought. And said she needed help with our son. She always says that, then when i get there and dinner is over, the rest of her night is spent on her phone (which she is sneaky with), on the TV, or MAYBE catching up on homework. Says she is tired after a long day of working from home, on the phone and computer. Doing IT. But I do physical labor. And if I complain that I am sore or tired she just thinks i want to sit at home on my PlayStation or watching netflix, instead of taking the responsibility to be there for our son. Which remember, I am ALWAYS THERE. Unless she has decided that I am horrible, in which case she breaks up with me, and I spend the next couple of days hurt and crying and missing my family. I can not move in with her and my son. She does not want her family to know. (My mother told me she would disown me if me and her got back together. But it did not stop me. Because i am a man, and she is my woman. He is my son. And this is my life)....and is so stressed and anxious that will find me over there. I have actually, more than once, had to run and hide because her family popped up.

So yeah, I walk over there. This was Tuesday. The day when I think I pulled a muscle. I walked. She says that the only reason I walked was because she had to yell at me. But man...see these text. You would swear I am the world's largest dick head. In reality she said all these things in front of my son. That night I touched her. Massaged her just a little...soft touches. We made love. I woke up throughout the night with leg cramps. Woke up the next morning so tired from lack of sleep and hurting leg muscles. Called the doctor. Had to miss work. Turns out that yep, I gave myself a small hernia. Then WALKED on it lol.

So when we talked yesterday. I told her that the doc is pretty sure I have a hernia...my appointment was today and yes...yes I do have a little hernia. Doc wants me to rest but I'm pretty sure I have to work. Anyways so yesterday, before she picks our boy up from daycare (by the way, kuddos to you moms who work from home AND have kids to deal with at the same time. You girls are superheros!)...which I agree with daycare. He is an only child and he needs interaction with other kids. It's important for his development. Anywho, she ask me before picking him up if I want to come over. I tell her no, tell her what the doc said. By this point I have been there everyday since Friday. While on parole and breaking cerfew and worried about that. (Which I got questioned on. If I didnt worry about parole before, why now? And I dunno. Thats way of anxiety? But good thing I did because he came by this morning and I was here. Had I been there with her, I would have been here and would be on my way to a big ole parole violation. But no. In her eyes I dont do enough. I have to be there every day, no matter if I'm sick or sore or in pain. That is what she said. That a real parent never quits.

I'm just so confused. I didnt quit. He can come over here to my place whenever he wants. Ive told her this. I have told him that. Of all nights for the two of us to stay at our respective homes, last night was it. I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN AND CAN BARELY MOVE.

But she broke up with me again last night. Or better yet, said that we have been broken up. She said she doenst love me anymore.

How? Literally all we do is laugh. Have amazing sex. We are awesome parents. I literally dote on her. Massage her. Touch her softly. Like for real, I EMPTIED her of all juices, have seen her cry...actually cry, from pleasure. She makes 50x more money than I do, but I still give her money because I don't want to feel like a burden.

I dont get it. I really don't. I give the shirt off my back. Gave myself a hernia. All I want is belong to a family that doesn't quit when the anxiety comes. Who doesnt take a lifetime of anxiety and stress and then blame it on someone else simply because they are what is in front of you at the moment.

How can someone be so smart and not see that? Or not want to?

Its 2020. We live in a world that encourages us to lie to ourselves. To lie to ourselves about our nature. We all believe we are good. Harmless people. Who would never hurt anyone or cause ill will. What we fail to see is that yes, we do cause all of these things, and then some. We are not perfect. We are human. We will hurt other people. We will lie. The great tragedy of the world isnt this in and of itself...these different hurts and heart aches are as old as humanity is....war, peace. Love and hate. The great tragedy is that we have been led to believe that we are beyond that, that we good, perfect people. And so when we do hurt others, its not our faults but theirs because how can I, this wonderful human being in the modern age, ever hurt someone? I have a car, a job, I'm a good parent. I'm a good boss. Whatever it is. We justify who we are by our level of success. And this is wrong.

And when she ask me why I love her after everything. Those moments when we both see the truth and see who we are, those are the moments when she ask me how I'm the world I can actually love her knowing all this. Dealing with all this. How? And I dont have the answer. I just know that my heart beats for the two of them (her and my boy) and it always will and I really hope one day she comes around. I'm waiting for that.

Some men find that one lady, that one lover, and there is nothing else after her that we want. She has it all. And that is me. That is her.

I love you

[bloody-hands-pure-hearts1329]

There is no time for us...

TMNT Crossover Resident Evil Its playing at the time of last chapter. 

Part 1 of my new series enjoy!^^

New York Manhattan suriviors 13999 and my brothers and me, the name is Raphael and we protecting them.

Ten years ago we where only the guardians of the city. The heroes in the shadows how the media called us. Our enemies where the Shredder and his foot clan or some other scum from the streets.

Only the police and our few friends knew about our existenz and what we really are. Life was fine this time only some fights against the Shredder and other scum nothing to serious.

We enjoyed life the fullest well as much you can enjoy your live living in sewer and walking by night.

But all changed as the daughter of a rich man got sick and he tried all to save her. To our bad luck he found the t-virus.

At the beginning this virus was like a blessing it saved many lifes and healed many sick people but his shit had real bad side effects. The people who where once healed died and mutated to undead bastards. All they want now was FOOD!

Who got bit will sooner or later die and mutate to the same shit!

As hell broke lose we managed to save a really smart part of the citizen of NYC. My smartass brother Donnie and us started to build gigantic walls with the help off umbrella at this time we didnt know that this bastards where the reason for this shit.

But Donnie came behind it and we kicked their asses, we started to give the suriviors a new life behind the big walls we protect every day and night with soldiers and polices help.

April is the only friend we have left beside the chief. She  helps where she can, even thought she misses Casey her lover really  much.

We lost dad and Vernon while we build up the  city to some lickers fuckers with long tongues hate them like crazy.

This fucker infect them and because no one could do it I killed them! It  was not my father anymore okay and not our friend they died and   became real monsters!

The people accepted us quick because we are their only chance to survive this hell. Donnie kept on building things and weapons who help us against the undead and the flying monsters who are after our asses.

Mikey keeps the kids busy and plays with them while flirting with every girl who comes to close to him.

Leonardo is the leader with the major of the city, the police chief and me.

Yeah I became a leader of a special team. We go out every day searching for food and other much needed things. Our most important goal is to find other not infected surviviors and bring them in to our little city.

"Hey boss its time to go!" a voice familar voice calls me I stop writing and hide the book in a box full with some weapons. I grab my sais and put some guns and a winchester in the holder on my back shell before I open the door.

"Hey scarface are the others ready to go? " I ask one of men he is a ex-marine soldiers with scars all over his face thats why he gave himself this name.

"All ready" he saluted before me I nodded and followed out of my half destroyed house.

We walk over to the others. I have a team of ten men we where more but umbrella killed some with their fucking traps all over the city, this fuckers tried to destroy our city!

"Okay you know the plan like every day if one gets bitten you will kill them no exceptions!" I reminded all before they got in the two special cars and I jumped on my bike. Mikey and some other men let the gate down for us.

"LETS GO!" I shout and start the motor.

We drive for a while through the streets as I hear a scream of the flying bastards but they dont attack me but a car before me.

The beast pulls up the car in the air I drive faster and take a car wrack like a ramp to jump up in the air hitting the fucker with my motorcircle making it crash down while I land behind the car with the surviviors inside it.

I pulled the guns out and shoot at the flying fuck and jumped on it stabbing it a few times. I turn slowly around as I hear voices.

One of a woman the other of a man. He discussed with her and suddenly opened the door and throw her out.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN TALK LIKE THIS TO ME! I AM YOUR HUSBAND YOU SWORE ME YOUR LOYALITY!" he shouted at her.

I couldnt help but stare at her. She has light brown wavy hair reaching wild over her big breasts d  cup breasts or more. Her eyes where green or blue I couldnt decided it from the distance. Her face is round with full red lips or is it because it is bruised?  She wears only a blue tanktop with black highwaist jeans with some holes in them and a holder around her left tight with a big steak knife inside it.  The girl has killer curvers her waist was thiner than her big hips and butt, her legs long she had boots with iron heals on them and spikes on the tip.

"I tired of being with you I have no reason to stay with you my family is dead! I only stayed because we where better together and had more chances to survive! But if you treat me like this I prefer dead or a life as infected over being one second more with you!" she said loud back at him.

"YOU WILL NOT LEAVE ME!" the man shouts and gets out walking over to her it looks like he was about to hit her but then I heard a gun shoot.

She screams and holds her leg. "YOU WILL...." before he could shoot her again one of the fyling fuckers grabbed him and fly off with him screaming "ZOYA!"

"KIRILL!" she yells back and starts running after them. I run to her and grab her pull her against me my hand quick over her eyes as I see another flying bastard come flying towards the one who has her husband and both started to ripp the man in two pieces to devour them.

"ATPUSTI!" she screams tries to get away I let her go and the woman turns around staring at me.

Silence, then we hear the flying fuckers screaming and she runs to the car I jump in behind her.

"Who...."

"NOT THE TIME BABE! DRIVE!" I growl at her and she starts the motor and we speed off. The fuckers following us.

I growl as one of them gets down ready to attack us I smirk and pull a granate out of my bag beside my sais holders and throw it in to his fucking face! He swallows it and his head explodes.

I laugh while she screams and stops making me fall through the window. I look at her pissed before I look back before us was the big krater.

"Fuck okay babe slowly backwards" I told her she nods and drives backwards one more flying fuck want to attack but my team shoot him and he explodes in the air. I smirk looking at scareface and get back in beside the goddess.

"NO FUUCK!" I scream as I see her sitting there unconcious from the fucking blood loss I quick ripp a piece fro my mask and put it tight around her leg grabbing her and getting out with her.  Walking her over to scareface. "She needs help!" I told my team  Kiara the only woman in my team when April is not with us nods and helps me to get her in the car.

I walk over to my bike and growl how bad as I see my motorbike. "Fuck this!" growl and collect the pieces I throw them on to the truck and get up. "Back home!" I order my team and scarface starts driving off.

We make it back and I grab her and run with her to Donnie breaking in to his room and tell him to take care of her.

I stay beside him watching my bro pulling the bullet out of her leg and taking care of her wound.

"We need to talk with Leo to decide where she can stay" the egghead explains to me I pull her up in to my arms.

"She will stay in my room until we know that"I decide and carry her out with me in to my house. I smile as she sighing nuzzles herself closer to me.

"You safe here" I promise her and kick the door to my bedroom open and carry her over to my bed. I lay her down and pull her boots of her before I put a blanket over her.

Then I sit down on my chair and watch her laying there in my bed. She is not the first women I brough her but the others where sluts who wanted to only try out how it felt to fuck a mutant.

She is different in a good way I could feel it the way she looked at me.

A knock on my door rips me out of my thought I get up open it to see fearless.

"Where is she?" he asks me and looks over my shoulder at her.

"Her name is Zoya, she will stay with me until you have a place for her" I told my brother and followed him out in to my living room.

"There are bigger problems coming for us, Donnie cameras captured this tonight" he explains to me and shows me some umbrella and foot soldiers with big as tanks and a army of infected bastards behind them.

"How long until they arrive?" I ask him growling.

"In two days we need to prepare ourselves and get all ready in case we need to flee down in to the sewer" Leo decided I nodded.

"Are you nuts this people dont wana rott in the sewer thats their city our city Leo. We have the weapons to fight back!" I protested against his decision.

"Our weapons are not as strong as the one Umbrella and the Shredder is sending against us! Raphael! Are you blind? Even if we can stop this five tanks and the army of infected coming in to the city. There will come more of them. They will overpower us! And as one of the leader of this city its on me to decided what is the best for this city the human choose me not you for this place!" fearless growls at me.

"Do you really think the citizen are this weak? They been through hell like us as we lost Dad, Casey? The nerd Vernon. We are lucky that we could save April and all this people. They are counting on us Leo! Look what they build up they have food they have clothes and houses and they can walk free around without fearing that some fucking monster attack them! We have no right to take this away from them! " I yell at my brother as I hear footsteps.

"Sorry I dont mean to disturb your discussion but I am really thirsty and..." she falls back I quick catch her and pull her up sit her on my old couch.

"I will get you something stay here with my brother" I order her and quick go to my kitchen to get her some water.

As I come back seeing Leo kissing her hand, I growl as he walks over to me. "We will talk later Raph" he tells me while walking past me out of the room.

I roll my eyes  and make my way over to her and give her the bottle with water. She starts to drink it greedy taking big sips.

My eyes following her brown wavy locks down to her her baby face to her neck down her breasts waist, hips to her longs legs and her wound. I see her bandage slightly rosé from her blood.

So I decide she will not walk around until her wound is healed.

She stops and looks at me. "Thank you for all but I dont want to be a bother for you so if they find a place for me I will..."

"You can stay as long as you want!" interupt her quick dont know why but the thought of her leaving made me do it.

"Okay thank you I can cook food for us" she offers me I cant stop myself imagine her staying with her back to me cooking something nice while I walk over to hug her close. Taking in her sweet scent. The thought makes me churr.

"Are you okay? What was this sound?" she asks me worried and I look back at her feeling my face heating up.

"Nothing!" I tell her quick looking blushing away.

What the hell is happening to me?!

[freerebelmentality]

The night she went away pt4 (Final)

Word Count: 1,920

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Herman wakes early in the morning, he sits in the kitchen debating if he should make breakfast or not. He watches the coffee maker brew a fresh pot of coffee. You stir awake, reach over and find the other side of the bed empty. You look around the room to see if Herman is still home or even in the bath room.

His kutte is draped over the arm chair thats placed in one corner of the room and knew that he is still home. You begin to get out of bed slowly, reach for your robe thats hanging behind the door and put it on. You walk out and head down the stairs where the noises are beginning to get louder. You knew he is in the kitchen scrambling around making breakfast.

“Wow, smells good in here” you say as you walk towards the coffee maker

Herman turns around and sees you walking beside him. He has a wide smile on his face, the smile you have always loved. Even when that smile is for you.

“I woke up early and made coffee first. I went to sit out on the deck for a bit and debated if I should make breakfast” he says while scrambling the eggs with the spatula.

“Or not cause you havent been home or still a sleep when I make something” he adds while his smile fades away and slowly turns to his cooking thats sizzling on the stove top

Your smile fades as soon as he says that and that made your heart break. You knew you have been blocking him out on this major issue you have.

You knew it was time to explain to him why you have been distant with him and finally time to let him in.

“I need a lot of explaining to do and I have been wanting to tell you but thats the hardest part” you explain as you look away from him.

You are trying to hold in your sob thats already begin to tighten around your throat and tried to hold back the tears that are ready to stream down your face.

Herman’s silence signals for you to continue, he reaches over to place his hand over yours. A signal for you to take your time.

“A couple of years ago, my best friend and I had these plans of moving to New York. We were on the verge of getting the careers we wanted but” you stop mid sentence and try to contain yourself

”Take your time” he says while rubbing soothing circles with his thumb

“She got sick, hospitalized once but she got better. We took our time with the moving and decided to stay back in Tacoma because she didnt want to worry her parents. So I stayed to” you continued while smiling to the faint memories

“Thats when I decided to go to school for nursing, so that I could help her in some way” you say while thinking back to all the late nights of studying, while she sat across from you studying as well.

She was already well on her way of going to school to become a lawyer and you were happy she is determined enough to pursue that. Knowing with how sick she got at times. She didnt let her lupus get in the way of enjoying life.

“When we graduated, is when we decided to make the move soon. Right after I was done my residency at the hospital is when we were going to make the move” you continue as tears begin to blur your vision

“She got really sick, ambulance rushed her to the ER and I was working that night. Paramedics, me and a few others rushed her to operating room to try and get the blood clot away from her lungs” a lone tear falls and streams down your face.

Herman also had tears in his eyes, he knew that you watched her die right in front of you. The one person you could have counted on for anything was slowly deteriorating and all you could do was try to save but couldnt.

“We were to late, she died on the operating table” you let out a sob as the tears begin to fall more

Herman rushes to your side, he pulls you into his arms and hugs as tightly as he could. He didnt know about the friend you have lost or the sister you lost.

“Her memorial is coming up and I thought I let go but the day looms closer and I just cant get the idea that she is gone. I cant because I dont want to” you sob out as the tears fall even more

“You shouldnt have rushed yourself to let go so fast, its ok to grieve for a long period of time and when the time was right. You would feel when its ready to let her go and time for you to heal” Herman says as he slowly pulls himself away from you and looks into your eyes.

“I thought I was ready. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting go like that but I wasnt ready” you tell him as you begin to wipe the tears away.

Herman gets up to get a box of tissues for you from the living room. You have always placed a box on top of the coffee table in the living room. He walks back into the kitchen and pulls the chair closer beside you and hands you the tissue

“You know, the guys, Tara and Gemma are all worried about you. Asked me how you have been and I told them what was going on” He says breaking the silence

“What did you tell them?” you asked while blowing your nose and wiping the tears from your eyes

As Herman looks to you and sees how puffy your eyes are. Is when he comes a little closer and kisses each eye. You loved how he can be so tender with you, especially while something like this is clouding your emotions.

“I told them you were going distant from me and I couldnt figure out why. I told them how you would stay out on the deck for long periods of time, sleeping all day, eating less and less” he says in a tinge of woe because of all the times you have been distant is when he thought he has done something wrong to piss you off.

That wasnt the case.

“They also mentioned, if you cant talk to me. You can talk to Chibs, Tara, Gemma and everyone else at the club. They dont want you suffering alone or suffer in isolation long” he adds as he places a kiss to your fore head.

“I got a text from my friends mom and they are having a candle light vigil in Tacoma and they are also having a dinner” you tell him as you smile at the amount of people who are concerned for you.

“So when are we leaving for Tacoma?” he asks looking hopeful that you will take him along

“Well since the memorial is next week, I thought we should leave Sunday and you can meet my other family” you smile at calling your best friends family yours, since the both of you were practically sisters.

“I’ll let the guys know at the club house that I will be away for a bit but Im sure they wont mind” he says while looking to you

“I will let Esther know that we are coming” you tell him as you bring out your phone to call your mom.

Esther didnt mind you calling her mom, since she considered you as her daughter as well. When you moved away is when she got worried about you, not because of the club but because you let go of everything so fast. The more she worried, the more she called, the more the text messages came and all unanswered. She was happy and relieved once you finally answered her text and telling you are coming.

Sunday came around very fast, you were packing the final things you needed for the trip and took the bags down the stairs to wait for Herman to come home and hit the road. You go into the kitchen and decide to make some snacks for the road and even made a thermos of coffee too.

You hear a bike pulling up the drive way and you begin to smile as the roar is cut off and hear him walking into the house.

“Ready babe?” he asks as he wraps his arms around you waist and gives you a chaste kiss to your cheek.

“Yeah, all set. You pack the truck while I clean up here a bit” You tell him as you begin putting the stuff away

He heads outside to pack the truck, he waits for you to come out. As you finish putting the things away and clean up a little bit is when you take one last look to the kitchen and satisfied with the clean up is when you grab the house keys from the bowl. Open the door and lock it up. You walk down the drive way and open the passenger door of the truck and hop in.

“Everything is good to go?” he asks looking to you.

“Yeah, lets head out” you answer and he starts the truck and backs out of the drive way.

As you and Herman drive out of Charming, you knew that this was a good choice to head back home and be there for your other family. Be there for yourself and embrace the times the both of you had.

Once you and Herman arrive in Tacoma is when the both of you drove directly to Esther’s house and surprise her. Along with introducing her to Herman, they got along great. After the short visit is when you went to your moms house, she couldnt believe you came for the memorial and even shared a few tears as she hugged you tightly.

She was happy you brought Herman.

As the candle light vigil begins, Esther has you carry Leah’s picture and hands you a candle. You look to the picture and its Leah with a huge smile, looking happy as ever. Her siblings hold pictures as well. Her sister April begins to share a few words and thanks everyone for showing up. Her older sister Betsy begins to hand out lanterns and place each candle into the lantern. Each of you let go of the lanterns and see each of them fly away.

Herman holds you tightly as he kisses the side of your head, you release a sob as tears begin to stream. Esther places her hand on your arm and gives a gentle squeeze. The rest of Leah’s sisters and brothers crowd around you, Herman and Esther as each of you watch the lanterns get further and further away. Her oldest brother Ryan tells everyone its time to head to the community hall and have supper.

Being with the family and yours is what you needed and most of all. You needed to have Herman with you as well and couldnt ask for a better out come. Everything went perfect but nothing felt as though anyone was missing. You felt your best friend all around everyone and it was like as if she was there and thats what brought you comfort.

[captivatingalyeska]

Day 1: My room turned into a ocean. I swear I found fishes and sharks swarming into my lungs. Or maybe that was the remains of you trying not to escape but desperately needing to

Day 2: You weren’t at school today and I should’ve been happy, I was more sad

Day 3: I thought I was ready to move on, then I saw you with her.

Day 4: We haven’t spoken in days now. My mind thinks its being shoved off a cliff.

Day 5: I wish it would just hit the bottom

Day 6: This will be the first weekend we dont hang out. I know you’ll be seeing her and I know you’ll be smiling without me. I’m trying hard to learn how to too

Day 7: I asked you for help on a history assignment and you replied with “Ask Amber im busy”. I texted back: “Tell Emma I said hi”

Day 8: You posted a video with her on the only social media site you have. When I saw it I erupted. I spewed lava every where, oh god its every where

Day 9: My mom made me sleep next to her on the couch. She was afraid I would try and do something like I did two years ago when another guy tore up my heart. I actually had thought about it

Day 10: I slept in your sweatshirt one last time so I can feel myself engulfed in you. I know you wanted them back so I had to feel you and smell you just once more.

Day 11: I gave you all of your stuff back and you thought I looked like a warrior but really I went home and tried getting you out of my bloodstream

Day 12: When will my eyes stop flowing?

Day 13: I snuck out with a boy and smoked weed on his couch. He talked about love and how much it hurt. I only pictured you.

Day 14: I woke up next to that same boy and I woke up screaming. The boy was worried and confused but I knew why I screamed. I imagined you laying with another girl on your couch. I ran out of his house so fast you'd think Id be better at running from you.

Day 15: It’s spring break and I’m with my best friend and your with her and I swear I can feel you tracing her spine the way you used to trace mine

Day 16: I ignored your birthday and it felt worse than the puking I did that night

Day 17: I’m treading icy water while you’re swimming away searching for warmth. I guess I just hope you’ll loop around and find your way back to the shattered, but still there, us

Day 18: I don’t remember the sound of your voice. I don’t remember the color of your eyes. I don’t remember your the taste of your lips. I can’t feel your hands on mine or on my body. I don’t remember how soft your hair is. I must forget, all of it

Day 19: No amount of screaming gets your name out of my head

Day 20: I got on a plane today and when we took off I swear I almost walked to the door and started flying

Day 21: They say it takes 21 days to break a habit but I think I just manage to fall more in love with a greedy monster

Day 22: I saw you today and wished you a happy late birthday and promised we’d watch the third Hobbit together. I’m beginning to hate myself more

Day 23: Its the end of the month maybe next month won’t be filled with thoughts of you and killing myself. I think I’m beginning to get over you

Day 24: April fools

Day 25: I think I understand now. When you first told me you loved me your mouth curled up on the edges, two days before you left when I gave my bare self to you your mouth was a straight line as you muttered “love you”

Day 26: If you’re trying to kill me it’s working

Day 27: I woke up this morning to my blankets and pillows piled in a corner in my room. It’s something a ghost would do to make his presence known. I’m haunting myself, or maybe its the ghost of us taking over my body

Day 28: It’s almost been a month since you told me it was never me. I almost texted you happy easter but I saw those text messages we last sent and just got angry

Day 29: I hate that you act like you didnt break my heart. I hate that you think I’m fine that I’m not writing a shit poem about your shit personality

Day 30: Thirty days since you’ve wanted me. Thirty days since I told you I love you. Thirty days since you’ve slipped from my fingers. I tried catching you. You’ve been gone far too long. Thirty days is too long

Day 31: I had a nightmare last night about you. You told me you loved me and kissed my forehead. I woke up breathing heavily and shaking. I want you out of my life

Day 32: Running on no sleep isn’t fun

Day 33: I’ve been awake for over 50 hours in fear that I’ll see you in my dreams again. I cant risk that. It hurts so much. Get out of my head

Day 34: My mother told me that love will do this. That its cruel and torturous and breaks you into such little pieces not even she can pick them all up. You know where they all are, please come back and pick them up

Day 35: I talked to another guy last night we stayed up late and he asked me questions about you. We were sober so it wasn’t easy spitting up vowels and similies and euphemisms explaining the empty feeling in my chest after you left

Day 36: Fuck if i stopped seeing you everyday I swear I’d be over you.

Day 37: My knee didnt touch your leg like it used it I promise I didnt do that fuck

Day 38: You told me that the wrinkles on my leg bothered you when I sat down. That’s not what you said when we were trying not to get caught in the back of your car

Day 39: You told me you’d take me to prom and in two days it’ll just be another day you promised to spend with me. It’s funny how our plans turned to dust in a matter of seconds after cleaning

Day 40: The thunderstorm of us was inside of you and maybe that’s why it felt so close. I keep counting the seconds between the boom and light hoping you arent moving away but I fear that you are already letting others feel your storm. The plants you grew are dying, maybe you should come back to water them

Day 41: Ten days since its been a month since you left. I cried at prom because all I could look for in the crowd was you.

Day 42: I got so drunk all I could see was your face. The guy I fucked kept telling me his name wasn’t yours. I cant even scream and cry anymore, I’m burnt out. You’re all I still think about despite your efforts to continue to push me away

Day 43: I should be getting high today but if I do I’ll just write more shitty poems and think more about a shitty guy who will never care

Day 44: I think I’m trying to gain feelings for someone else because it’ll make moving on from you easier. I’m afraid to write that it hasn’t

Day 45: You traced my leg like you used to. It was like dandelion tea. It made my insides fill with happiness, you’re my yellow paint.

Day 46: Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would put happiness inside him. He would consume it everyday in the hopes that it would bring his sadness to rest despite the fact that it could kill him first. I guess you were my yellow paint, emphasis on the were. See, I’m not going to write about you anymore, because when I write you down I’m under the impression that you’ll stay with the words but you don’t. This is the last sentence I’ll ever write about you

[anastycrimeboy]

Honestly, not much of someone who post anything but I feel like I wanted to talk aloud to the world anoynomously and on a format noone would likely look at so eh. Anyways I met you in 7th grade for the first time. Me? I was quite frankly just an antisocial prick. We talked truly for the first time I believe in social studies where you refered to me as "turtle boy" because of the way I sat (think somewhat like L from death note) we had a group assignment, something minor. I remember reading some question outloud I think, misspoke something aloud and had said "Saint Texas" I have no idea why it was so funny at the time but I remember it being one of the inciting incidences of our friendship. At first, I acted quite cold and annoyed towards you and your friend. You two, however, were quite subborn on making me your friend. Something I am quite honestly very greatful for, as i have no doubt my life would be very different had you two not done so. So we became friends. True friends. The closest and best two friends ive ever had the experiance of having. I dont remember much more of consequence happening in our relationships development during 7th grade. Eventually 8th grade rolled around and what a year that was, for both of us, and our mutual friend as well. You and your friend had a tough, depressing year. By December, so had I become immersed within the pit of depression. However when thinking back, I see that maybe that wasnt such a horrible thing. Our mutal suffering had brought us closer together in some ways. We shared thoughts, emotions, memories, things that brought us closer together. At some point through this, I had begun to have feelings for you. I remember vividly how happy I was when we would stay up until 3 A.M talking nonstop about anything. How happy it made me to simply sit there for hours and talk to you and see your beautiful face and hear your wonderful voice, laughter... I knew how I felt about you. I didnt tell you how I felt for a while. Eventually you had gotten with a guy, actually a friend of mine at the time. Man was I jealous of him... He got your first kiss, was I believe your first boyfriend to my knowlege. He got to hold you, cuddle with you, kiss you, be with you in a way I felt I probably never would. Ha, hell how right I was. You were with him for some time. Through this we continued our close relationship, talked for hours, just enjoyed eachothers presence, at least I know I did. I know at some point while you were with him, believe it was around Christmas, I had told you that I liked you. Not in the manner of just being friends but in a romantic manner. Pretty stupid looking bad, who tells someone they like them when they have a boyfriend? It didnt change anything really, you had expressed that that would not happen then at least. You let me off easy when I had told you then, said perhaps someday. I truly took that to heart. Looking bad, I probably shouldnt have haha. Things were awkward for a week or so but things got back to normal between us soon enough, no damage done. I remember being very very envious of your boyfriend, man jealously is such a powerful emotion. Somewhere around Feburary I remember you and him had broken up for good. As bad as it sounds I remember being trilled that had happend, in spite of your obvious greif and pain at the failure of a long term relationship. To be fair, I was young. I didnt truly understand what love was then. More than likely, then what I had felt for you was nothing more than simple infatuation. Although at the same time it was more than that, i cared for you deeply, and honestly, as we both recognize now the guy was a total asshole. So i like to justify that thats part of what I was so thrilled about but I couldnt say for certain. At this point, both our states of mental health were pretty piss poor. Both of us very depressed people, something that had only gotten worse for us both over the year. You became... this bright sun in my everyday life. The one person who would always bring a smile to my face everytime I simply laid eyes upon you. Without you, I felt hallow, and with you I felt like the sun was shinning on my skin on a spring day. I knew full well you didnt feel the same way about me. Deep down I knew you never would truly feel the same way. However I held some feable hope thst maybe, just maybe one day you'd love me like I grew to love you. Sometime around april, or may you and your friend were just about healed from this depression we had suffered, and I had stagnated. Looking bad, im sure that was mostly due to one crucial fact: you two were bound to go to one high school, and me, another. I knew I was losing two people who.... quite frankly were closer to me than my family ever was, even including my beloved deceased father. I remember on the last day of school crying a bloody waterfall. I never conciously thought this at the time, but im sure in my heart I knew: this would cement that our relationship would only go downhill in terms of our closeness, there was no alternative. You see i neglected to mention, we had experianced a bit of a falling out a month and a half before graduation relating to my depression and extreme drug use. You guys eventually so fed up with it you stopped talking to me altogether. This had forced me to stop abusing oxycotten, and in doing so, you accepted me once more as your friend a week or two before school ended. Our other friend however, from this point forward, was no longer a friend of mine. And my fallout with her was permanent. This left me with you as literally my only true close friend. And man the thought of losing you too then was just... Unfathomable. During the summer I recall talking to you somewhat frequently for a month or so. Then, there was a point when I had for some stupid reason, talked about my issues with your sister. God knows why, i sure dont know what the hell i was thinking haha. This led to you being quite rightly pissed, essentially telling me that you were done talking to me until I got my head straight and out of my shithole of a depression. Quite frankly looking back, man was you not talking to me a great motivator. First it got me to stop doing hard drugs, then got me to actually really start to work on changing my mental outlook on life. By the end of the summer we were talking again, friends once more. Perhaps not as close as I wished but thats not suprising. Id be lieing I said I was totally better. That wouldnt happen until February of next year. But I was definetly in a better state than the end of 8th grade. School started, and man did I hate it. I never realized that truthfully, the only reason I could stand school so much was because of how happy seeing you made me. At this time in my life, I had no real self-confidence. I was a smart kid, my techers knew this, my mom knew it, but damn my grades sure as hell didnt reflect it. I hated school so much without you, i skipped probably more than 30 days and walked home in the first semester. We talked, texted. But man did I miss you... I only saw you once that year, during thanksgiving break. That was by far the most fun I have ever had before. We didnt do anything crazy. We just went out, had got orange leaf, went to barns and nobles and got coffee, you dragged into bath and bodyworks.. Haha man I think that was, what? The second? Third time just you and me hung out by ourselves in peron? I remember never wanting that day to end. I remember thinking 'what if everyday could be like this?' My love for you only grew as time went on it seemed. Distance has never dulled my love for you in the slightest. Time went on. By Feburary my mom was getting desperate reguarding my depression and alarming rate of skipping school, so she took me out and placed me in a charter school, self paced, self taught. A place I could avoid everyone and just learn. Did wonders for my confidence and my mental health. Since then ive been just fine, had a great outlook on life. Great work ethic. You were always there, cheering me on as I got better and worked harder. Haha I remember we flirted a little toward the end of that you. You teased me quite often texting me on my phone you little minx hahaha. Ah, yeah that had sent me some mixed singals alright. Our relationship was still quite solid. We were close, had grown up quite a bit for the year before... things seemed good. Summer once again rolled around, we hung out on my birthday. That alone made it my favorite birthday I've had to date. We had gone to the movies, and just went back to my house, smoked a bowl or two, and relaxed and watch some Star Wars. Enjoyed our time together. I remember multiple times wanting nothing more than to get closer to you and just hold you in my arms... Eventually you left. Once again, I couldnt help but feel that strange hallowness I experiance without you. Wishing I was brave enough to try to hold you, kiss you. Summer went by. We kept somewhat in touch. The next year, 10th grade, is when I would say we truly started to experiance an increase in the gap between us. We talked yes, occassionally discussing what was going on in eachother lives. By this point, and this point onward I dont think we ever shared another long conversaion. Never since then have we had one of those wonderful nights we would just stay up and just talk and enjoy the others presence... Nope. Those times seemed to have passed. I tried on occasion to start one of those kinds conversations, but something would always come up, or one of your sisters would interupt is and eventually i'd just let you go as we were no longer talking, ect. I think i may have seen you once that year. I dont truly remember it if we did. That year went by quickly. We kept in touch of course. We would always talk about how much we missed eachother ha... I just worked hard that year. Nothing else to do really. I've always been a bit of a loner socially and dont bother making friends. Did quite well, ended up both my softmore and junior year, and became a senior. You were quite proud of me I remember. Once again, I got to see you on my birthday and, well, it was then I think I really noticed the deaph of how much we had spaced apart. We just kinda watched a movie for a few hours and you left after a while. I remember being nervous the whole time. We hadnt seen eachother in so long I wasnt sure how to act. I still loved you, just as much as ever, but for fucks sake I didn't for the life of me know what to say, what to do, how to act. I didn't really know what to do around you anymore. By then... We seldomly saw eachother over the course two years, hardly spoke the year before. We didnt have recent experiances, or interesting things to talk about. Well I mean at least I didn't. As a bit of a loner all I had to discuss was my acedemic acheivement and video games or music. Im sure you had stuff going on in your life but by then... Im pretty sure we had seperated to a degree where you didn't even know where to begin discussing what was going on with you, nor did I know the questions to ask. So yeah that was awkward. And I remember kicking myself again and again over it. Same thing happened in augest when I went to your house before school started.... Sigh I remember thoughout these years you've had a few boyfriends, by the middle of freshman year I had a much better grasp on the true meaning of love: that when you love someone, you put their needs, their wants, and their happiness before yours. So I was okay with it. I let go of jealousy. What replaced it was this heart wrenching, smoach dropping sadness when you were with someone else. But again, I knew that you'd never truly loved me in the romantic sense, just as friends really. I knew this spite of the fact you had told me otherwise multiple times. I know you were just reassuring me to spare my feelings. And in a way, i thank you for that. Hell at times, I even let myself believe it. But I was somewhat hopeful, some peice of me remained stubborn that one day you just might like me even slightly in a romantic manner. Hell im graduating now, and I still have not dated, kissed, loved, or truly considered being with another girl. Ive always hoped you would be my first everything. My first kiss, first girlfriend, first date. Hell one day I hoped youd be my first and only wife... we'd have a beautiful little girl... Sigh. Just dreams I suppose. Then this year cam along. Things only got worse. We've hardly talked. I mean sure ill text you general well wishes most mornings when I can and have said more "I love yous" than one could probably count but really? Thats about it. Weve met up twice this year for lunch but i feel like the damage has been done already. Yes yes we have seen eachother but you know I find it hasnt actually alleaviated my missing you. Its like... Idk I see you but at the same time I didnt. Both times we just talked about old friends, school, advancements in life. Nothing really significant or personal... Only had two, somewhat awkward, hugs with you this year. When, bloody hell, ive always wanted so much more than that. Now... The year is ending and really I recognize that we are honestly little more than acquaintances. I mean yes we know eachothers history, but bloody hell we hardly talk anymore about anything. We have no idea what the eachothers life is like... Well okay you know what mine is like due to how honestly shallow it is but I hardly know how yours is going. And quite frankly i dont know the questions to ask or the things to say to find out.... I just wish we were as close as we once were... Gods how id give almost anything just to be close friends again, romanctic thoughts aside. Now I see that our drift is just... This gaping raveen the size of the great cayon. And I know its only bound to get worse and eventually end altogether... With me going to college and you your own way with withever you decide to do, likely traveling with your beautiful, adventurous soul. I hope our paths interwine once more in the future... Odds are they wont but I mean you never know what God holds in store for us yeah? Ill always regret not getting the chance to experiance something more with you. Never really trying my hand at something more truly. I was a coward. Quite honestly in some ways though, im glad. You really deserve someone much better than I am. Someone who can make you happy, laugh, and feel joy every minute your with them like you have made me feel. Comfort you when you need help, be there for you when your in pain. These are things I've tried hard to do for you, but could never do perfectly. I really hope you meet a man who can do those things for you. You deserve it more than anyone else. Looking back, I can see that I was lucky that I even ever got to call you a friend. And I was smiled upon by god by the fact that you love(ed) me as a friend. That alone was really more than I had the right to ask for really. Thank you, for everything you have done for me. And helping me become who I am today. I only wish I could have helped you half as much as you have me... I love you, forever and always. And may god bless your life and the path you walk on my love.

[miallday]

✨2019✨ Jan.-July.

wow. You were a hard year, but you had a great ending to it.

January: I let go of my toxic relationship of 5 years. I let go of his entire family. We ended on a bad note.. pretty much all of them. Sarah and I had an awful fight. I was angry during one of my conversations with Maia. I was so hurt. I remember I was also broke. Like I had less than $100. I went through all my savings for 6 months. I am so blessed I was able to pay all my bills.. all on my OWN. I moved out from my apartment, separating myself from those familiar faces and became a live in nanny. I started school again.. from scratch. I went to school and worked, but I was still broke since I didn’t get paid. I lived off the 200$ a month from my church job. I wanted my head shaved. This is an easy decision. It had been over a year of thought. Jacob was so kind to do it for me. That was the first time I wore his clothes. I liked it. That was also the first time I slept on his bed. I was scared, I didn’t sleep well that night. But waking up that morning it made me happy. I was ok. Now I’m just bald. Yikes. But I liked the wig look... until hair started growing in. In the month of January I began praying to God so much. I remember one night I spoke to God and asked him to show me what to do. Show me the Autrys true colors. To show me the cards. Lay them on the table. Later on that month I had a dream giving me the answers. Time to let go. Jacob called me telling me about Shonté getting this chicks # and stuff and she looked just like Stefany. Jacob came to my rescue again. Jacob, Marcus and I went out that night. I remember it was the first week living at carols. My first Friday night out!! To zen! I’m 21! It was so fun! Jacob suggested putting my phone on airplane mode and the next day I ended everything with Shonté. He told me to go fuck myself... then texted me saying “ i dont know when but one day I will show you that I love you” lol... that’s the “love” I had for 7 years. (5 + the 2 we were talking.) wow. I wish none of that happened. I am embarrassed of it all. I had no self love at all. I didn’t know what love was. I was trying to find love in all the wrong places. I look back and I wish I could just hug my younger self. I am so glad I am out of that. ALL of it. I was in so much pain. I am thankful for Jacob. I really am, but I am also so proud of myself for finally choosing myself and my happiness. I put myself first for once in my life.

February: I wanted to ignore the hurt that I was feeling. I regret ever talking to justin. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t want him to kiss me. I wanted to move my head, but I was lonely. I’m sorry. I knew you loved me since the 7th grade. It was nice catching up on life. We may have been best friends but Sam really did take you away from Zahria and I for years. I tried to tell you that we were just talking. I knew I didn’t want more, I’m sorry for going along with those conversations. I shouldnt have sexted you. I shouldn’t have made out with you in your car. I led you on. I am so sorry. It was wrong. I was lonely and I thought maybe our long friendship must mean maybe there could be more. But you were too much for me. You took me to meet your whole family on our first date. I spoke to everyone of course, but you continuously asked “are you having fun”. Ugh Justin I missed my friend. I hated when we were in the car stopped at a red light you’d want to kiss me over and over and over. I’d say stop & you wouldn’t. I didnt want this. I could never love you the way you needed to be loved. I am so happy you found someone, but Apart of me regrets losing my guy bestfriend since middle school, but after all that happened it’s too late. You became clingy and told me you loved me too fast. It was only a month. & you’d say it so often. You made me feel suffocated. I didn’t have that love connection with you. It was TOO much for ME. You’d call me every night around 7/8pm and you keep talking until 1am. I’d get frustrated bc I’m serious about my sleep. I’d say bye and you would somehow find another topic. So I even told you to give me space. While you were blowing up my phone I was sleeping next to Jacob in his bed, getting high and doing acid with him. Nothing happened ever, but you never knew. You just knew I was there. That’s how I knew I didn’t want this.. I could never commit to you. I knew you weren’t it. I wanted to be around Jacob more than I ever wanted to talk to you. And I’m sorry. This one day before work I walked up to a church and I sat down on their bench outside. It was like 8pm and I spoke to God. I asked him to show me if you were meant to be in my life.. not to long later God showed me the answers. The fact that after I went to visit Jenn for her birthday and Jacob mentioned who she saw him marrying I knew it was me but I was afraid I would be right and things would get awkward. But somehow Jacob smoothly brought up our pact by 30 if we were still single we’d get married and I was ok with that. Or when we did acid that day I was making a floor angel.. before we fell asleep I told you I didn’t mind being with you if by 30 we didn’t have anyone. My heart was with Jacob before I even knew.

March: Jacob and I began hanging out. During my spring break we went out to eat. We drank. I got high from brownie crumbs you shared with me. We drank. In the Uber I leaned on you and I dosed off, but you put your hand on my leg. I felt it but with you I wanted you to keep you hand there. We got to his place and we talked about tattoos. You even helped me decide what to do with mine and then we ended up wrestling. It was fun. Nothing more. That whole week we hung out. I went to go visit you in pentagon city. We texted daily. Anyways, Wednesday March 13 you kissed me. A couple days before I had a feeling something would happen between us. I was in shock that you kissed me. I dont know, I just never put mind to it. I accepted you for who you were, but I always turned my head bc I knew your body count. I am sorry for judging you. I did accept you, but that kept me from looking at your direction the whole time we were friends. I dont know if that sounds shitty of me. There was also something going on between you and Zahria and I really didn’t like it. In all honesty I didn’t want to give her your number the first time. Back in cityside. Big yikes. Anyways. I liked you. I liked how it felt when you kissed me. I wanted to know if you’d kiss me again. Then next morning you kissed me and said “does that answer your question.” So cute. From this moment I told Justin to let me go and find someone else. I didn’t want to waste his time. I wanted to do things right. For St.Patricks day Jacob invited me out to DuPont circle! This parents were there. That night was fun. Jacob and I clicked in a different way. We were out together. I held his hand for the first time outside. I also called him bby. There was a connection. I remember that night pretty clearly. Anyways, Jacob & I had sex like a week later. I wanted to. I wanted you. I wanted you since my 20th birthday. On acid I looked at you when I was laying on my bed and I literally said I wanna fuck him but I knew that was wrong of me to think that. I wasn’t scared the first time we did it. It was definitely better than my first time lol. And it was mutual and we were sober. That.. helps me.. in all honesty. All the time I think of that and I smile. The next day.. oof it was the first time I ever had good sex. It was hard having sex with you for a while after that though. I really felt like I lost my virginity. It was rough for a while. I am so lucky. I was always embarrassed but you helped me feel better. I’m sorry for bleeding on you. I really appreciate you comforting me every time... you are so sweet. I remember that following day you took me over to your parents house. That was my first time there. He brought me to his parents house ASAP. I met Shonté’s family 3 years later and that’s because I came over during Christmas break and his parents decided no one should spend Christmas alone in another state. Yeah I was literally going to stay at his dads apt alone if his parents didn’t want me to come. Yikes. You obviously really did like me. Don’t worry I can’t wait until you meet my brother and my nephews. My nephews are my treasure, so you are very special!!! I remember the last day of March.. March 31st we went on our first date!! No ones ever gone all out for me like that... I was speechless. You took me to the fish market. You got a small bowl of clam chowder and I got fish and chips. We walked down king street and we went to go see Kai. You paid for our tickets to get on the ferry. I’ve never been on that one!! It was cold but there was a beautiful view. We got to NH and we passed by a spicy sauce store. We still have to go there!!!! Then we got on the Ferris wheel. I had so much fun with you. The first time I went on it I didn’t have much of a good time. So thank you for giving me a better memory!!💗

April: Jacob called me his girlfriend over text. I remember I completely ignored it. You pointed it out and I told you I wasn’t your girlfriend until you ask me. I’m glad I stood up for myself. I wanted you to know I am different. April 12 we woke up super early and took acid. We spent the whole trip in bed binge watching breaking bad. I love that. Later that night you casted a slideshow for me. That’s when you asked me out. I found it so cute and I loved the effort you made to ask me to be your girlfriend. I went and got tested this month. I was scared tbh. I wish I would have been smarter and asked Jacob some more serious questions before having sex without a condom. But when we had sex I was okay with it, i could have said no put one on but i really wanted to know what you actually felt like too. & I loved it. I could never go back. Well unless I find those vibrating condom thing. We gotta try. But anyways. I didn’t have peace of mind until my dr. called. I don’t mean to judge. But I’m glad all is good. School was going well! I was working on my website. I was nannying and teaching Jonah Spanish on thursdays. I was also making $ in the side with Sophie, and Guy& Coleman as well as the church! I was productive... you see.. not smoking weed.. I was sober. This is why I’m harder on myself. I could be doing more. Anyways. April was a good month.

May: In May I finished my spring semester!! I took 5 classes. All A’s and B’s. I worked SO hard. I remember I stayed up all night until 4am studying my history notes. Over and over and over. Took a 2 hour nap and went to school. Took my finals and had to hurry and pick up Jonah for tutoring. It was so nice to go out to eat for dinner that day. I was proud of myself. I finessed my communications professor to bring my grade from a B to an A. It took some convincing but he did it. He gave me those extra points. I went home for Mother’s Day. This was wonderful... 2019 I finished paying off to install my moms tombstone. And my brother and I went to see her for Mother’s Day. We got her a bouquet of red roses. Her favorite! It was nice even though my brother was a total dick to me on that 40 minute Uber ride. Zahria didn’t hang out with me this weekend and I was very upset about that. She was mad that I was going to see Michael. Michael and I still speak tbh. Mostly about drugs and life. I was always a real friend to him since freshman year. But now I understand where she was coming from. Jacob and I would FaceTime each other at night now & fall asleep. So cute. I went back home and it took sometime to be okay again. That toxic, negative energy back home is some serious shit. Summer semester started and I only took one class for 6 weeks!!

June:

Pride was so much fun. I wish I went the second day, but I had school and work on Monday. I didn’t want to be out late on a Sunday. But I really had a great time. Too bad I’m so awkward. This is the month Jenn was helping me speak up to Carol and Aaron about the contract. I was terrified. THAT WAS HARD FOR ME. That was so hard for me. But I did it. I spoke to them about it and I decided the best decision was to move out. It’s crazy bc at this time I found my love for champagne. I was drinking so much of it. Tbh that’s how I gained so much weight. Alcohol!!!!!! Anyways. I was sitting in Jacobs closet and he came to talk to me. We talked about what happened and you brought up if I wanted to move in with you. I said yes. So I gave my decision. They didn’t want to give me any money. I would get $200 a month for food if I worked more hours from the morning. As well as no summer tutoring so I would have to readjust my hours on the weekends and I wasn’t about it. So I cleaned up my room. They wanted me out ASAP. Marcus and Jacob helped me moved half my stuff. The other half Aaron helped. They weren’t in a good mood that days Carol gave me a hug though and told me she loves me. I closed another chapter. I was nervous and worried to move in with Jacob but it wasn’t too bad.

July: Jacob always tries his best to make me feel welcomed. He moved his desk over and gave it to me. He moved his shelf and fridge to make more space. You were okay with me taking the closet. You never once complained. You were okay that I had a lot of things. I was so worried about it all, but you always comfort me. I started working with Andrea. It was a blessing answered from God. I remember telling Jacob I wanted to take care of another 3 month old again.. and then Bradley came along. That baby brought me a ton of happiness whereas Jackson gave me headaches 🤣 I felt good. I was in school. I was making money. I was also babysitting Cora a lot. I made a little over $500 in 3 days. I saw Guy & Coleman. Jacob, Marcus and I went to Dave & busters. I had a lot of fun. I love that wizard of oz machine. I also came across this letter I wrote for myself back in 2016. I was suppose to wait until 2021, but I read it anyways. Wow I accomplished a couple things in there, but the way I saw my life planned was SO WRONG. hahah. I went and renewed my cpr license. The instructor was tough. I was afraid she wouldn’t pass me. I was doubting myself but I had studying. It was just a lot of pressure. I am so proud of myself for passing and I have a renewed certificate now. I ended the month saying goodbye to the Barhydt’s. They moved back to MA.

[bmyselfandi-blog]

mom

there was a time in my life where the hardest thing i was going through was a high school breakup. i thought the world was ending, that id never experience a worse heartbreak than that one. i got over it and went back to the guy a few times. it was on and off. that was the beginning of my junior year, around september. come april 21st i received the worst news i could have handled at the time. my mom was diagnosed with cancer. now she never really told us, well at least me, she never told me the stage of the cancer. but it was rectal. they tell you not to look up that kind of shit because it will scare you but me, i dont listen when told not to do something. now, i probably should have, it scared me what i found, but also gave me hope. it said curable. they said long life span. so, in my mind it was all going to be okay. my dad took it very hard. i poften found him crying alone, and i cried too. we all did. my mom was the type of person to help anyone in need, she was amazing, loving, wonderful, generous, warm, any fucking word to describe an angel, that was fucking her. still is. anyways fast forward about a year, end of my senior year. i start dating this new guy, hes amazing, he gave me the world. i couldnt have asked for a better man. stuck by my side through some fucked up shit that was my fault. we had our fights, like every couple. he did some things that i didnt like but i pushed past it because i loved him. thats what couples do right? well, not even a year later i spent less time with my family, more time with him and his. i regret that every day of my life. ill never forget the first day of my new job my dad made me cry because he told me my mom thought id rather spend time with my boyfriends mom than her. i balled my eyes out on my way to work. i never wanted to hurt my moms feelings like that. she couldnt do much, she was weak and it was getting harder for her to do everyday things. that was november. come march 25. it was a saturday. my mom was sitting in her spot on the couch and my dad was downstairs on the computer. i dont remember my sister being home. my mom asked me to look at her eyes and tell me what color the whites were, they were yellow. that meant jaundice. i told my dad, we told her she needed to go to the hospital. she said she didnt feel well and didnt want to go that day and if she wasnt feeling any better shed go the next day. i didnt think too much about it, this wouldnt be the first hospital trip that month or let alone that year. sunday; i went to my boyfriends to hangout and have dinner. after dinner my dad told and said they were going to the hospital. we then drove up to meet them. they took my mom in the back, i went back with her as did everyone else. the crazy thing is, is i dont remember all too much. i remember being back h=there, them asking her certain questions that made me sad, like if she was sad, depressed, thinking about dying. i brought her up some things when we went, i had this pair of ankle fuzzy sicks that i gave to her, she asked me to put them on her feet, i remember there being a hole in the big toe, she thought it was funny. it got later, they ended up admitting her but were trying to find a room. my dad had to work the next morning and i hadnt started my new job so i told him i would stay with her that night so she wasnt alone. they had a room in the pediatric ward so they sent us up. there were two cribs, a bed and a couple chairs in the room. i slept in the chair that turned into a bed. the nurses were very nice. we got some rest after being moved up there. it was very late, almost 4am. the next morning my uncle was up there and my dad came soon after as well. days went by, i started my new job, id go up as soon as i got off to go and see her. she got worse each day but we didnt think anything of it. turns out the tumor was actually starting to quickly crush her liver. she started not being able to talk well. they eventually put her on a heavy breathing treatment. she stopped talking and responding. my dad asked a timeline and the doctor said he didnt like to put timelines. i thought she would get better. they had my dad sign a DNR, we werent going to make her suffer if she didnt have to. it was selfish of us to want her to stay with how much pain i knew she was in. we had family up there always. april 4th. it was a wednesday. by now they had put my mom into hospice care, we had the option of bringing her home but we didnt want to make her uncomfortable by moving her. they gave us the whole room we were in. 315 bed B. we had people come and talk to us about urns and getting things like that. a hospice worker told us that their phone line was always available to talk on, whether it was a week later or a year later. i didnt have workbthat day. i went up to the hospital early. my moms cousin Colleen was there. my boyfriend came up as well. my dad my sister and her cousin kim came up as well. we hung out all day. i told colleen i probably wouldnt end up going to this festival i had in may because i wanted to be there everyday for my mom. colleen said that was almost 2 months away and that my mom may not be here by then. i didnt want to think about that. my mom would always be here right? that night me and my boyfriend ordered chinese. we were going to pick it up but they had delivery. we were also supposed to go to the store but we decided not to for some reason i dont remember. we ate our nasty chinese food. i got shrimp and lobster sauce, my moms favorite. we were all sitting aruond talking. my dad had ran home to let the dogs out since no one had been home in a while. anytime he would leave the room for anything longer than a half hour he would hug my mom and tell her to wait for him. he left. he got to the house. he let the dogs house. we were sitting there when my boyfriend looked over at my mom. her eyes were open. they hadnt been open in days. we instantly went over to her. her cousin got the nurse. me and my sister held her hand. i called my dad crying. all i could muster out was the word “hurry” and the pain in his voice when he said “okay” was enough to break anyones heart. the nurses knew. we all knew. i held my moms hand crying. my boyfriend rubbed my back. i told her i loved her. my sister told her she loved her. kim consoled her. we knew her fight was over. kim closed my moms eyes and like that she was gone. it was 10:15. we had to wait for a doctor to pronounce time of death. time of death was 10:25. my dad got there, tears in his eyes. we called family to tell them. his best friend was up in a heartbeat. his brother came up. i called my best friends. sarah and her boyfriend were up within minutes. my boyfriend held me. everyone cried. my dad hugged me and my sister so tight. the nurses were wonderful and sweet. it was probably 3 something in the morning when we left. i said my final goodbyes and told her i loved her. how could i just leave my mom in this room all alone? i couldnt handle it. i drove home with my boyfriend and let my dad drive alone. i dont know why i did that. i should have went with him. we got home and i couldnt tell you anything after that. i dont remember much about the days that followed. i know the next day we had to make phone calls to change things into our names and take my moms off. we received lots of “im so sorry for you loss”’s. it got sickening. we got flowers, cards, food. my boyfriends family was so helpful. i took that friday off of work and went back monday. got a lot of sorrys there too. her memorial was friday the 13th. i worked that morning. i shouldnt have but i had to go on like normal. how do you just go on like normal? how do you just up and live without your best friend, your fucking mother? she was supposed to be there through everything. she was supposed to live a long happy life with my dad. she was supposed to watch me get married and watch my have her grandchildren. she was supposed to be free of cancer and get better and live happy and healthy. she wasnt supposed to die. she should still fucking be here today. but shes not. months later, not even a year. my boyfriend and i broke up. just shy of a year since her passing, march 2nd. my friend and i had a run in with my ex. she flipped him off while we were driving. he followed us to the gas station and cussed us out. later that night he posted a story on his snapchat. black screen with the words “ your mother would be ashamed of you” written on it. directed towards me. how dare he say that shit. how could the same man that held me while i held my dying mothers hand say some dumb fucking shit like that to me? i dont quite get how he could ever in a million years say that shit. she was liuke amother to him. he was there through everything we dealt with, all the grieving, the sadness and depression in my house. but what bothers me is how a few months later we were getting back together. and how i could forgive him for saying that. i never did forgive him and i dont think i ever will. he said he posted it to hurt me because he was hurt. but how could he stoop that low. later on he brought her up again when he wanted me to stop smoking. “ how would mom feel” i tried kicking him out, ive never yelled at him before until that night, i got in his face and screamed not to talk about my dead mom. he didnt again. we stopped talking about a month later and havent talked since. he never understood what i was going through. what i am going through. i cry a lot. i miss my mom everyday. i think about her every hour of the day. my dad texts her almost every day. he posts on her facebook sometimes. i text her sometimes. i call too to see if someone new has her number. its still disconnected. i dont want someone new to have her number. thats her fucking number. no one elses. i still dont feel like this is all real and here its been a year and a half. christmas is coming up. her birthday is christmas eve. it was her favorite time of the year. we held the party at our house very year for anyone who wanted to come. it was always a full house. everyone loved my mom, she was an amazing person. a family friends words describing my mother to someone were “she had to adjust her halo when walking into a room” and thats always been true. even now, im sure she visits often. i wish so bad that she could be here, that she could see how everything is going. i miss her so fucking much and i just want my fucking mom back. i know everything in life would be okay if she was here. i know it would solve every problem me and my family have if she was just fucking here. she should be here. she should fucking be here right now. 

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.             

[furiousharmonykryptonite-blog1]

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Does full coverage auto insurance cover theft of the car?

$600 Fine For Expired Car Insurance? BC Canada?

Today I got a $600 fine for a week expired car insurance and my car got taken away to an impound . Is that the right price for British Columbia, Canada?? Because I've heard that its supposed to be 100-200 first time, 300-400 second time, 500-600 third time? This is the first time I've ever had a ticket because of expired car insurance so why is it so dam expensive? Can I get some of my money back at least? Seriously $600 is way too much""

How much should I expect to pay for car insurance?

I'm a 17 year old female that will drive a Vauxhall Corsa but it's kind of old like this one: http://www.ajb-enterprise.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/vauxhall-corsa-club-2001.jpg Does the amount of lessons/make of car/pass score change the price of insurance? All the insurance sites want me to enter my details, which I don't want to do. Is there a big difference between cost when I'm 17 compared with 18? Sorry for all the questions but thanks (:""

Would this be legal ? start own car insurance company and insure self.?

We were talking about the price of car insurance at work today about how the cost is becoming ridiculous. I came up with this idea its entirely hypothetical but it got me wondering if it was possible. Just say i started and registered a insurance business. I offered 3rd party only insurance to my close friends and family people that i know personally are careful drivers.Say 50 people get a years cover for just 100 and i insure my self for free. Now i know what you might be thinking what happens if some one has a bump? Well i have 5000 in the business account so it should cover minor repairs however and hear comes the is it legal part if someone puts in a large claim that i cannot cover.Say my grandma writes off some rich mans Bentley. I just declare the company bankrupt ! Thinking about it its not to different to what the bankers have been doing .

My driver's license was suspended for driving without insurance/license and not showing up for court dates.?

My driver's license was suspended for driving without insurance/license and not showing up for court dates. I did have my license and insurance at the time but did not have my wallet with me. I was wondering how much it will cost me to reinstate my driver's license and if I might have to take the driver's test over again or not. If I have documentation that I had a license and insurance at the time would it help me? I'm in Alabama if that helps. Any answers are greatly appreciated.

Where can I get affordable insurance as a new Driver?

I'm 24 years old (almost 25) and I JUST got my driver's license. I'm trying to buy a car and came across some options that I can afford but I'm super concerned about insurance costs. I live in Springfield MA (A high insurance city) and I'm in between an 09 Honda Accord and an 07 Toyota Camry. Ideally, I would like to have my own policy for personal reason's of not wanting to be entwined with my mother. My father lives out of state. I don't have friends close enough and with better driving history that could go on with me so I'm likely on my own. I'm going to want full coverage (or at least mostly full) What are some good insurance options for new drivers who aren't 16 year old kids? I tried to get one of those free quotes online and came up with a number like $706.00 a month which is just ridiculous. I know I'm not going to come away with a $150 a month plan but is there anyway I can get at least $250 - $300? ANY help would be appreciated.""

How does car insurance repair the accident?

I mean we all know that whoever faults at accident gonna pay for repairs from their insurance. However my questions is what if I buy used car that have little damages on it. As I drive on road, maybe a month later somebody cause accident to my car and police rule out it's their fault. So how can their insurance pay for my car repair from new accident if I already have damages on my car before I buy them? According to a law, once accident happened the insurance only pay for repair from new damages not from old damages. It's insurance fraud if they pay for whole repair that is not part of their causes. Example: I buy a car with rear bumper damages, just little paints and dents on rear bumper. When the accident happen, it cause rear bumper to fall off and it needed new bumper, how can insurance pay for new bumper if some of it was already damages when I buy those car? They might write off but if car is value at 10K and cost repair is 800 dollars then it cheaper to fix but how? How without insurance fraud?""

What's the average insurance premiun for a Taxi in the US?

What's the average insurance premiun for a Taxi in the US?

Old insurance vs new insurance?

if you start a new insurance policy at a different company on the same day you are suppose to start the old company do you still have to pay them or just let go

Where can I find out insurance rates for US postal services with letters to the UK?

Each envelope would contain an item worth around the $30 mark, but as they would be going international I want them to be insured. I can find UPS rates, but not USPS rates for insurance.""

How much car insurance for 16 year old?

The state of Louisiana. The car is a Lexus GS 2003. My family has a total of 3 drivers already. (4 Plus me) What does car insurance depend on?

leader insurance company

leader insurance company

What is the best health insurance?

what is the best health insurance?

DUI in CA - how much will my car insurance go up?

I was convicted of a DUI and soon I'll be eligible for a resticted license. I have to have an ignition interlock device installed, and file an SR-22 with my insurance company (Anchor General Insurance). I have not told them yet as I am not yet eligible. I called and they said that they do accept people with DUIs. I am currently paying $77 per month for full coverage. I'm male, 29 years old. How much can I expect my insurance cost to rise once I file the SR-22?""

Buying used car. What do I do for insurance?

I'm buying a new car today and I was wondering if I could drive it home (~2miles) without insurance. If not, what do I do? Thanks""

Can you buy Insurance to cover accidental injury only?

My kids have no health Insurance. Can i buy an Insurance which can cover them only for accidental injury caused by fall or skate boarding?

Motorcycle Insurance?

I got into a car accident almost 2 years ago and I was wondering if it will effect me when I get insurance for my motorcycle?

Motorcycle Insurance in Ontario(re asked)?

Hello, I am a 20 year old female looking for motorcycle insurance for a Honda CBR 250r with an M2. I have never owned a bike before and have a clean driving record. Like most people my age it is nearly impossible to get insurance that is affordable if you are under the age of 25. If anyone knows of an insurance company/brokerage that would give a quote below 2.5k a year please give me any way I can contact them. I live in the Ottawa area if that is any help as well.""

Estimate for car insurance for 18 year old?

I live in Houston tx, like the top said I am a 18 year old male, I have a 2012 ford mustang v6. It is paid off, and I want to sign over the car from my parents name to mine cause they live in a diffrent city but that means I would have to start paying for insurance. Which is fine but do any of y'all know about how much I would be paying. I will only want liability, or if I can afford it full coverage. I don't want to get quotes from the insurance companies themselves because after that they constantly email call and mail you stuff and its annoying. Anyways thanks for the help""

Car audio mod......insurance company?

i recntly bought a subwoofer and amp for my car do i need to let the insurance company know its worth around 60

What do I need before I get car insurance besides license?

I have my license, and a car that I bought that is in my dad's name. He wants to transfer ownership to my name, inspection expired in 2007 (I haven't driven for about a year). First, do I need to have a car in my name to get insurance, or can I just get ins. with the car in my dad's name then transfer the title later? (with no ins. changes) 2nd, to get insurance do I need to pass inspection, or can I just get ins. first?""

I'm on my moms car insurance and I'm getting older?

I'm really trying to get myself on my own two feet and we have everything together, phone bill (sprint) , car insurance she receives my bank statements monitors my purchases, views and manages my credit ...everything I'm just trying to move and not be under my moms wing... How can I go about moving my car insurance, and /or picking car insurance.... Help?""

Can you have more than two car insurance policies in New Jersey?

I am under my dad insurance and so is one of my cars. Is it possible for me to be under another insurance with my other car or thats not possible.

Is the only insurance for abortion Medicaid?

What are other insurances that cover Medicaid or is this the only one?

Mexican car insurance?

If I drive into Mexico, do I need to get insurance for my car from a Mexican insurance company or is the American insurance valid there as well?""

Cheap car insurance UK?

any tips to bring the price down? or any insurers going cheap atm? 24 yr old guy 1 yrs no claims citeron saxo desire 03 reg park it on a drive way

17 cheap car insurance??

i live in the u.k im searching for car insurance for when i get my car does anyone no any car insurance companys that do cheap car insurance for my age or comparing sites. iv already tried compare the market and confussed.com links would be amazing thanks guys X

Is it wise to go on your parents car insurance?

Having looked around on car insurance website and seeing that my insurance would be as high as 2500, is it wise to go on my parents insurance. If they are the main driver and im the additional driver it comes down to just 1000. Is this illegal and what are the chances of getting caught if so? thanks x""

How much does it cost for postal insurance?

How much will it cost me to get $5000 usps insurance for my package? Im in the usa tx.

Home insurance wants to raise dwelling coverege?

I purchased a townhome in March of 2013 for $183k in Florida. It is in a 200-unit subdivision that just completed all construction and sold out all last remaining units a few months ago. When I signed up for home insurance, the insurance company set my dwelling coverage to $183k. I told them that it isn't accurate for them to base dwelling coverage on market price because the replacement cost must be lower since market price includes land and profits the builder makes. Long story short, they convinced me to stay at $183 because they said costs were rising and so forth. I decided not to fight it. Fast forward to this year, and now they are proposing to increase the dwelling coverage to $203k (11% increase). Funny thing is that for my exact townhome model, about 20 units were sold in the last year with prices averaging in the upper $180s (slightly above what I paid). I called the insurance company to let them have a piece of my mind, and they told me they use an independent 3rd party company to price the replacement costs. I told them it's BS because it's way above average market price and replacement costs is always below market price. They asked me to send them documents from when I purchased the home that details the construction materials used and upgrades so that they can reevaluate the dwelling coverage. My question is, why is the burden of proof on me to prove to the insurance company that dwelling coverage should be lowered? Why can't they just reduce it to what I tell them to reduce it to? After all, I am the customer who pays for the insurance. If my house is ever destroyed and I underinsured, that's my problem not theirs. I just find it strange that I'm paying for an insurance service and the insurance company decides what the replacement cost is, not me. Even though it doesn't affect them.""

Adding someone to your car insurance policy?

I'm a new teen driver and as you may all know insurance rates are sky high. I was wondering if a family member, who doesn't live with me, can add me to their insurance policy? If yes, does the car have to be in their name? Or do I have to have the same address in order for them to add me?""

Step parents health insurance?

I was wondering is it possible for my soon to be wife, to put my kids on her health insurance plan from work? The children live with us. We are in california.""

When is car insurance invalid?

Is car insurance invalid if a car is neither taxed nor Sorned? I forgot to tax my car - is my insurance invalid until I renew it?

I drive without insurance and got a speeding ticket ...?

Okay guys, I'm in a very tough situation right here. & before I get to the question, Yes I know I was stupid and I have learned my lesson. Okay, I'm 18 years old and had my license for almost a year now. My dad lets me drive his car (which is under his and my moms name) ... he knows I don't have insurance and still lets me drive (I guess it's because he's too cheap at the moment) ... One day I was coming back from college and got on the interstate to get home faster. Speed limit was 55mph but I ended up going 78mph (I live in Virginia by the way) ... Luckily the cop didn't mark me for reckless driving, just speeding. I showed him my registration and stuff during the time I got stopped but he didn't say anything about me having no insurance. I checked online and my fine is $200 for speeding ... My question is whose insurance will go up?? I don't have insurance ... will I get in trouble? I didn't tell my dad yet because he'll kill me. Thanks.""

What's the purpose of medical insurance for students?

I'm in Australia and I need medical insurance which is very costly and it doesn't even cover anything like dental checkup. I don't think I'll ever a use a single penny from that insurance. Why are they robbing us of our money for no reason? If I get ill, I'll use my own money to pay for treatment. And I heard they don't get any interest from the money so where does all that money go? In the air?""

What is the lowest car insurance for a Kia?

I need insurance for just 1 vehicle a 2002 Kia Rio valued at $2500 How can i get an insurance policy that would pay for repairs and the other persons medical bills for under $300 a year Is there any plan that offers car insurance at this rate or less

The cheapest kit car insurance company?

I have a drink driving offence and need a good cheap insurance company for kit cars thanks

leader insurance company

leader insurance company

""I will be under my parent's health insurance effective Jan 1, 2011 - will my baby be covered?""

my baby is due April 26, 2011. Will he be eligible to be under my parents policy with me or will I need different coverage? If so, any suggestions? I live in California.""

What car insurance is the best?

Ive seen plenty of ads all claiming they are the best, but which one is the best? Please do not speak about an insurance company if you don't have experience with that company.""

Loan insurance?

is it worth getting loan insurance? or is the whole thing a big scam

Car insurance on Mitsubishi Eclipse?

Im only 16, almost 17. Female. First time driver. No accidents. We have Geico. The car is a 2007. 47500 miles on it. 2 door. I tried looking online for an insurance calculator.. I just wanna know about how much a month it would be.""

""Why do all of my car insurance quotes start at 5,000?! (20 years old)?""

Hey, hopefully you can help me. I have been looking at car insurance online (moneysupermarket.com) and I had 16 quotes come back to me from different providers, ranging from 5,550 - 9,860!? I have no health or sight problems, no convictions etc... I'm just a simple standard applicant. I am 21 years old in August, female and looking to insure a Ford KA 2000 1,3 living in west midlands. I really expected insurance to be around 1,500 maximum, am I filling in the application wrong?!""

How much is insurance on a ninja 250?

i am going to buy one in the next few weeks. i have a clean driving record. no tickets. no wrecks. im 22 years old. i live in kentucky. how much is insurance and what company's are best to get a quote from?

Car insurance for a teenager?

How much do you think insurance will cost (adding another car to my parents insurance plan)

Car insurance question?

I'm from the UK, 22 year old man. Passed my driving test in November, looking to buy my first car. For the cheapest 2 insurance bands, how much a year could I expect to pay for insurance? ball-park figure obv. also, can you give me examples of the sort of cars I'd be able to get insured for?""

Is it harder for a child who is disabled to get insurance?

Is it harder for a child who is disabled to get insurance?

IF YOU GET PULLED OVER WITHOUT CAR INSURANCE?

IF YOU GET PULLED OVER AND YOU Have no insUraNce on your car how much is tHE fine???

Why is Geico Home Owner's Insurance So Much More Expensive Than other Companies?

I have had my home owner's insurance through Liberty Mutual and I pay $865.00 per year for about 110,000 in dwelling coverage plus other coverages as well. However, I just decided as I wasn't doing anything today to check on the competition and I called up Geico. Get this.. Here it is... Geico, for the EXACT SAME COVERAGE I am paying Liberty Mutual $865.00 per year gave me a quote for $4,200.00 per year. WITH ALL COVERAGES BEING EQUAL. I was shocked... The lady told me because I had one claim for roof damage which cost $4,000.00 that justified the increase in coverage. Plus Geico had a higher deductible of $1,500.00. First I don't know anyone paying $4,000.00 for a one year home owner's policy for $110,000.00 in coverage. But does anyone know why Geico is so ridiculously expensive?""

Young Drivers Car Insurance In London?

Hey there, i live in a area that gets me pretty high quotes for an 18 year old.. Well my dad's purchasing a car and i asked if he could insure me on it too and he agreed to this but i've gotta find a decent insurer first.. I mean i'm getting quotes such as 3,000 a year that's pretty high for a 01 plate corsa.. I was just asking for people with experience on maybe any ways i can reduce this price.. Maybe a really cheap insurer you know? or any help would be appreciated if you know the situation i'm in. Thanks!!""

How much trouble would I get into if I drove my car without any plates or insurance?

My other cars engine blew out and I was just going to put that cars plate onto my other one (which doesn't have any plates or insurance) I live in MI..Im pretty sure its not a felony, the other one was registered to me until i transfered the plates and insurance onto the car thats engine blew.""

Will the healthcare reform change the age limit on children on parents insurance?

I'm 25 and one of the great things about the affordable care act was that I was allowed on my parents insurance until I'm 26... Will this change? I'm still in school and there is no way I can afford insurance on my own!!!

Health insurance for someone under 25 in Georgia?

I was told today that there is a new law in GA that states that if you are under 25 (whether a full- time student or not), that you can stay under your parents insurance. Is this true? If so, when does it take effect?""

Where can i get cheap auto insurance for an 18 year old student with a mustang?

Well this may sound like a long shot, but I just recently bought my son a Ford Mustang, Now its insurance time, hes 18, gets A's in school and has had drivers ed. Why do the quotes from Progressive and esurance estimate its going to cost nearly $500 a month, even with a 1990 honda junker it still cost nearly $400 do these prices seem reasonable, i cant recall them being that high, when i first got insurance, thanks.""

What is the most quality/cheapest insurance to get for a car in the US?

Like for someone in their mid 20s

Where can I find cheap car insurance? ?

I live in Cleveland, OH... im 18""

Do you think health insurance is necessary? Why?

Do you think health insurance is necessary? Why?

Should my auto insurance company waive my deductible?

I recently was rear-ended by an uninsured driver. My insurance company assessed the damage at $1019.04, my collision coverage has a deductible of $1000 so my insurance company closed my claim and made payment of just $19.04. As I am a California resident, my policy includes the Collision Deductible Waiver. Are my insurance company therefore liable to waive my deductible and cover the full cost of my damages? If so, what should I do next?""

Why do people think that mandating car insurance is the same as mandating health insurance?

I could choose not to drive. Also even the democratic legal think tank advisers have said there is no legal precedent for mandating the purchase of health insurance from a private company. If they don't have single payer or even a public option it may not hold up in the supreme court.

Insurance or out-of-pocket?

The bumber and trunk of my new 2006 Honda Civic was hit by someone unknown when my car was parked in a lot. The damage is a sizeable dent. How much will it cost for a repair in the dealership? Is it better to pay it myself or let the insurance do it (worry about increasing insurance rate). Any other ideas will help? Thanks

Health Insurance?!?!?

I am having to get my own health insurance for the first time. Can someone help me figure all of this out? What should I be looking for? I am young and healthy, so I would not like to pay that much, but I would like to feel confidant in my coverage. Also, I will need dental coverage-any info there?? Thanks so much!""

How can i get lower car insurance for my newly passed girl friend ( UK )?

my girlfriend has just her driving test 2 weeks ago im getting her a car tomorrow, ive been checking through loads of insurance sites trying to find her the cheapest possible is there any tips and tricks what to enter on these sites they ask so many strange question, or should i insure the car than just add her as a named driver? or do you know off any cheap sites.""

Cheapest cars to get insurance on in the uk?

im a 17 year old boy i dont want something chavy like a corsa i want a vw

leader insurance company

leader insurance company

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