#that last 25 mins made me crazy

[jq37]

Twice Upon a Time - Neverafter Ep 7

Trouble in Tuffeton

Hoo, boy. Welcome back to Dimension 20 where we have for you today, 3/4ths of a normal episode and then the wildest 25 minutes of your entire life–but more on that second part later.

For now, we’re where we left off–with our intrepid and slightly monstrous heroes just having brought Little Miss Muffet back to mostly normal. She’s still sporting a spider head, but she’s no longer feral. In fact, she’s pretty scared to be in a spider’s web. Which is ironic cause she wrapped everyone in her village up in spider silk cocoons. Awkward!

Before they head out, the group decides to search for the magical artifacts they were told Muffet was amassing, and Ger does best. Here’s what he finds:

A LOT of dead people that he instantly lies escaped to protect the children and especially Muffet

A velvety black cloak with stars embroidered inside 

A ghillie suit/cloak that can disguise you as a pile of grass and leaves

A golden bridle (my mind jumps to the taming of Pegasus)

A mirrored, obviously magical sword with the word “Veritas” on it. Siobhan–resident Latin understander–translates that to “truth”

When Ger uses the sword to test it out, Brennan makes him do a Wis save. He gets a 13. With that, Brennan asks if he sees himself more as a frog or a human at that point. Ger says that him being a frog is what’s getting him through this awful experience alive so, right now, he’s actually feeling pretty froggy. And, likewise, he sees his reflection as he is–slimy and amphibious.

Puss checks his spider ring and sees that it’s pointing towards the entrance. As they follow it, they see a lot of spiders are returning to the cave now that Muffet has been taken care of, including Itsy Bitsy who drops off his stuff then goes to try and climb the water spout again. 

They follow him out where it’s still raining and Muffet looks up sadly to the hill where she used to eat by herself every day. Everyone says they’ll gladly eat with her and as she smiles, the rain stops falling. It’s the first sun they’ve seen the Time of Shadows began.

And, much like in the fairy tale, with the sun out, the Itsy Bitsy spider gets to the top of the spout. Time goes to record his story and asks if he wants to be put into the book. The Spider, in what sounds like a clear “Pay Attention You Guys, This is a Major Theme” asks if it’s such going to be all sunshine all the time in the book. Because while he likes the sunshine more than the rain, he likes his resilience in the face of the rain and maybe he should bring some rain with him.

The Spider, as he’s very small and he thinks he’d be more helpful as a story, is about to choose the book when Tim (and really Ally it feels like lol) slams the book, to Brennan’s surprise and is like nooooo you have so much value out here! Let’s work on your self-talk. So the spider tags along but, because his story is in the book, Tim gets a new spell that is too high level for him to access yet.

(Btw: Brennan and Ally explain that Goose gets a new spell when he writes down someone’s story. So far he has the spell he doesn’t have access to yet, Jump (I assume from the Cow), Expeditious Retreat (from Jack), Lesser Restoration (from I believe King Cole), and Calm Emotions (the only other person I can remember him sending to the book is the Dish? Or I guess it could also be Muffet since he did write her story. Edit: Cindy too but does that count since it was second hand via an object?)

After this, Tim goes with the rest of the group to distract Muffet while they search the town for cocoons. Tim spots them then leads Muffet away so she doesn’t have to see any of this. 

The group takes down the cocoons which are stuck up in the rafters and crack em open. Inside, are the citizens of the town–blessedly alive but VERY freaked out. Our heroes try to claim that this is all the result of a platonic adult sleepover gone wrong (Ally: Roll for Gaslight) to mixed results. 

Meanwhile, Tim is trying to give Muffet a pep talk while the screams of her victims ring out in the background. She’s not super feeling the pep. Tim asks how it felt when she became the spider monster and she says it was weird. She was on the hill and then the spider showed up but it was bigger than it should have been. She says that things have felt weird, but she doesn’t know why–a common refrain of citizens of this world. Then, she starts to get a little meta. She says that it struck her all of a sudden that the fact that she’s scared of spider is the only thing anyone knows about her. Maybe the curds and whey thing also. It felt like she was only one thing and not even really that. And that felt messed up. Sounds like someone being cursed with the burden of meta awareness to me. 

Back with the townspeople and the rest of the party, everyone is about ready to start the Mob Song from Beauty and the Beast and form a spider hunting party but Pinnochio casts suggestion on the mayor of the town (Mayor Harold Hopps) and gets him to back up the adult sleepover gone wrong version of events. With that sorted, it’s now party time!

The sun sets and the stars come out. There’s a call for perception checks that doesn’t seem to yield anything (highest roll was a 17). The townsfolk bring out alcohol and curds and whey for all in their party location–the Golden Chair tavern. 

Ger and Red have a sidebar because Ger is NOT loving Red’s self talk. He says she’s not a monster and, while she appreciates the sentiment, she’s like, come on, you know what’s it like to feel like a monster or else you wouldn’t be trying to turn back into a prince. Ger concedes she has a point but when she asks if he still would still have loved Elody if she had a spider’s head, he thinks he would have. He didn’t just love her for her beauty. He loved that she was rebellious and fascinating and love him as he was. He thinks that maybe once he became handsome, he stopped trying so hard to be anything but that. Red says that it’s strange that Ger is kind of leaning into the non-prince thing because all the best stories are about princes and princesses and Ger–really leaning into the meta vibe of this ep–says that stories usually end once you become a prince or a princess. Roz, who is going through it, pops in to chime in that true love isn’t real–something she as a full adult at 18 would know–and we jump to Tim.

Tim hears writing in his book and sees that Scher is writing to him. She says thanks so much for helping. She and her companions escaped the cave, picked up some new allies, and found a handy doorway to take them all to a new world. She asks if Tim knows of a place called the Land of Beasts and Birds and when Tim says no, that confirms to her that it’s another realm like the Never After and the Endless Nights. (My guess is it’s the Aesop world since he’s all about animal fables.) She tells them to sit tight and, when she can, she’ll open the doorway to them. Tim messages this info to Ger because he’s the only other real adult in the party and everyone else is dancing.

Pinnochio, specifically, is pole dancing using his nose as a pole.

(Puss: Slay Pinocchio, slay.

Roz: Oh, she’s vogueing.)

Anyway.

Tim then goes to Muffet to talk to her magical spoon which we learn is the one that the Dish ran away with (I wonder if that’s what Brennan always had planned or if he just did it because that’s what they figured was going on and why not?)

The Spoon says that yes, she had a tryst with the Dish but it was a mistake and she doesn’t wanna go into the book. Everything in the rhyme is true, but she doesn’t want that to be her whole story. Again, like I said, this ep gets very meta, and we’re not done. 

Pinocchio mentions his time at the Land of Toys (aka Pleasure Island in the Disney version) and when Muffet marvels at how long his story is, he says that the story is basically about growing up and actions having consequences and everything being very black and white. Everyone else starts thinking about their stories and Roz thinks about how she has little agency in her story. Puss thinks he doesn’t have much to do in his story once it ends. 

Tim wonders if he can do anything to change their stories–he is a writer with a magic book after all. He writes in the book that Pinnochio is free and able to have fun and the book throws a fit. The ink shakes and shudders and is swallowed into the page. Then it starts raining. Tim tells the rest of them what happened and says maybe this is something he can do in the future, but not yet. Pinnochio is like, thanks but I think this is the path I need to be on right now. After all, it’s where his mom wants him. 

Speaking of, Tim wonders if Pinnochio’s stepmom has anything to do with the rain starting up again–defeating Muffet was supposed to stop that. 

Roz tries to put her spindle into the book to see what happens and the book accepts it, writing her story as it is in this reality–with 7 fairies. But, like Cinderella, her story is interrupted (though not at Happily Ever After, at falling asleep) and then there are two blank pages and an illustration of the spindle. Strange. 

Puss goes to the bar and sees two burly men he doesn’t recognize from freeing the townsfolk. He sees them whispering to each other then going upstairs. He follows them and a lot happens to I’m gonna go to bullets.

He hears two cloaks being put on the bed.

He hears a tearing sound and then the noise of something heavy and almost wet hit the ground. 

Then he hears thin hollow voices and the lighting of a match.

It was dark when they walked in and now light is seeping under the door. 

A voice asks why the rain came back and the voices (who call this person “mistress”) say that they saw a witch writing in a book and then the words freaked out. 

The voice is like “Hmm, curious,” and asks what was being written about. When they say a wooden boy, the voice recognizes that it’s Pinnochio. She says that what happened is “dangerous” and they should stop him from writing more, kill him, and leave the book.

Puss hears a wet noise like something sharp and angular straining against something “slick and horrifying”. Then he hears cloaks being picked up from the bed.

Puss runs like hell and finds Tim. He gets Tim to message him and is like, so funny story, these men want you dead. The message is disseminated amongst the group and they all get into position. Tim goes outside to lead them out and everyone else follows or goes to an upstairs window to get a high vantage point.

As soon as they’re in position, Puss attacks without waiting and misses, but Ger’s ability lets him get another hit in and he aces it with a Nat 20 that causes a full death blow. First of the campaign! As he kills this dude, he realizes that it’s a twig and wood skeleton under a flesh skin. Gross! The plant matter inside these guys is familiar to Roz as the brambles she’s familiar with. So it seems like these guys are some kind of plant constructs and the weird sounds Puss heard were them taking off and putting on their skin suits. Again, gross!

They don’t seem to be human and the rest of the party is able to dispatch the other one in short order. Puss explains what he saw and they go to the room to check it out.

OK, so, this is when the last fourth of this ep kicks in and it turns into a Whole Other Thing. You have been warned. 

They go into the room and it is destroyed. The only thing that looks OK is a small table with a silver platter on it. In the silver platter is a small amount of water and a blood red candle burned most of the way down. It’s perfectly centered in the water.

Ger puts the truth sword over the candle and the reflection shows the candle is lit, even though it doesn’t appear to be. Tim’s 20 arcana check tells him that the candle is a spell somehow. 

Roz smells petrichor and iron and rot. It smells like the bad fairy–which is interesting because iron is usually fairy bane. Maybe the iron is blood?

Ger blows out the seemingly unlit candle and it lights the torches on the wall. They realize that the candle being lit probably somehow impedes other light sources. 

Pinocchio casts Faerie Fire to suss out if anyone invisible is in the room and no one is revealed but the spell lights the candle and casts the room in a shimmery light. Pinocchio has a weird feeling, like one of his strings attaches to the candle.  

The candle asks who he wants to speak to–everyone hears this and sees his string by the way. Pinnochio knows that his mom has his strings and wonders if this candle is somehow connected to his mom.

Roz, in a throwaway line that is actually the turning point of the episode, asks if they can talk to PInnochio’s mom. Pinnochio is like, uh OK, yeah. Sure. You guys can meet my mom. And the Roz is swiftly shoved into a closet by Tim so she’s not seen. Which is very funny considering that this was her idea and it goes…

Uh…

Interestingly.

“You watch as something terrible unfolds” Brennan says, which I have to add to the same list as, “I’m about to describe something heartbreaking” from Sophomore Year. 

The candle sputters and Pinnochio hears a garbled voice say, “I did not summon you to speak to me.”

Roz and Pinnochio see the face of the bad fairy they both recognize in the candle flame. The door to the hall flies open and Pinnochio sees the silhouette of his mom in the doorway–everyone else sees this for the first time. If feels wrong to see and I’m just gonna quote Brennan because I can’t do these lines justice in summary:

“You are seeing something you absolutely should not see–the face of a divinity you don't worship, the smile of a devil you never believed in.”

AHHHHHHHHH.

Pinnochio is standing in such a way that he’s blocking the fae in the flame from his stepmom in the door and he has to choose if he wants to look at his mom or keep blocking the fae from her. Also, because of the lighting conditions here, it seems like he’ll actually be able to see her and not just her shadow.

He chooses to look at his mom.

As he does, Ger tosses him the truth sword. Light reflects on the sword and fully illuminates the stepmother. As this happens, the room grows strange. It doesn’t feel like they’re in the inn anymore. It’s like they’re in a place out of place. 

The wicked fairy sees the stepmother properly, screams HORRIFIED, and does a full Oedipus–no, not that part, the other part. She PLUCKS HER EYES OUT. The candle goes out.

Brennan asks who wants to look at the stepmom after that. 

All of the adults are like FUCK NO but the kids–Red and Pinnochio, choose to look. 

(Note: Muffet is also there wildly and doesn’t look. Ally: Where has this bitch been in initiative?)

Anyway, both kids have to make a Cha save. They both get the help action. 

Red fails with a 6–unsurprising since the AxMurph dice pool has been rolling *garbage* this episode (Murph, repeatedly: This die is RE-TI-RED!)

Pinnnochio passes with a 21. 

Red gets three red tokens. Three. Dying gives you one. Looking at this person gives you THREE.

Thanks, hate that!

The stepmom in her full glory is an eldritch abomination made up of shifting visions of malice and spite. Brennan describes her sneer splitting off into a second mouth so she can sneer further over and over almost fractally. Beneath her skin are hundreds of beings crawling–countless stories and people she’s eaten. 

Brennan asks whether her mom or grandma is who comes to mind first. Emily, fully knowing she’s about to get hurt, says in Red’s good natured casual tone that Grandma is always on her mind. 

She suddenly sees her grandma appear and Pinnochio’s stepmom grabs her, and bites her head and shoulders off, and swallows her. She asks if this is real and Brennan says it feels real in the way that a nightmare feels real. “Grandmother,” she says. “Close enough.”

Pinnochio sees something trying to burst from his mom’s cheek–a woman in a crown–but she licks it back up with her tongue and swallows. First of all, awful. Second of all, giving me Kronos eating his kids vibes. Third of all, is this maybe the queen from Snow White? We know there’s some connection between Pinnochio and/or his mom and this Queen because of the Mirror conversation. Anyway, enough analysis, back to the horrific event already in progress. 

The stepmother is furious that Pinnochio called her rather than waiting to be called.

“You don’t open a door to me. I open a door to you. I was not ready to speak with you, impudent boy. Now you have truly outlived your use.”

Everything has been happening in bullet time. Brennan finally asks for a check to catch the thrown sword. Pinnochio gets the help action from Ger and picks Acrobatics as the check.

He rolls a Nat 1.

*AND* a Nat 20.

God, the dice love a story. Y’all. 

The stepmother throws the Pinnochi’s strings back on to him and he’s flooded with pain. He grabs the sword–the sword of truth in the hands of the boy known for lying–and he cuts his strings. 

Ṙ̶̞̀͑̓̎̏̊̈́͛ě̸͔̟͙͕͕͙͕̱̩̟̩̻̐̉̐̈́͠͠a̴͕̘̭̺̯̮͉̩͙̳͇̰̼͓͌̈́͋͋l̵̡͚̬̞̙͉͕̩̬̘̐͊̈́̇̒̿̌̍̈̓̌̽̃i̵̛̝̓̽̑̽̔͗̆͝t̴͕̠̠̖̲̻̼̜͊y̴̡̮̺̪͍̠̭̫̱̲̖͕̣̠̾̇̉̔͜ ̷̢̤̞̺̙̱̞̝̽̆̆͠Ş̴̡̳̭̱͚͇̗͈̈́̏͗̃͗̈́̓̕͜͠ͅh̸̜̻̫̙̳̘͔̬͔͆̈́̈́̽̌̕͜ǡ̷͔̩̎̽̇̀̚ţ̸͍̮̟̼̘̊͑͗̎͌̈͗͗̏̓̅̽́̎͂͜t̴̘͇̯̳̞̮̓͗̅͆͒́́̾̏̿̑̕̚e̶̢̧̡̖͕̻̟̪̯̭͆̈̿̑̈́̚r̴̡͖͉͍̾̎͛̆̃̍̏͊̽̊s̶̡̨̺̦̰̳̯̠̅́͗͑̈́͗͗̉̽̑̄͛́͘͜.̴̨̳͍̹̪̮̩̦̥̩͉̘͕̣͍̈̏́͋̌̾̇̀

The editing goes insane. 

The heroes are freefalling through pages of their stories, all on fire. The stepmother is screaming and chasing after them. It reminds me a lot of Coraline being chased down the hall by the Other Mother. 

Pinnochio’s strings are returned to him (which, I am curious about considering he’s a warlock–we’ll see how that goes). 

“Worse than death, worse than the end of stories!” the Stepmother howls. 

She sucks in, inhaling all the pages in a weirdly Big Bad way, but before she can exhale, a golden door opens from Tim’s book. 

A golden rope is lassoed around them, they are pulled into the door, and it shuts. The stepmother is gone. 

On the other end of the rope is Scher plus SInbad and his crew.

“What the fuck was that?” Scher asks.

BITCH, GREAT QUESTION. 

And we’re gonna have to wait until next episode to start further unpacking this because I’m barely getting it in under the wire. 

In conclusion, AHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

[madridfangirl]

Star crossed lovers (Jude Bellingham fanfic)

Chapter 3

(Series Link)

Jude * female reader. No warnings.

Synopsis: A chance encounter in a tiny Madrid cafe with the newest superstar of her fav club. The two couldn't be more different, yet both feel the pull toward the other. Would this girl be the one he finally falls for? Would she make him change his ways? Even though she resists him every step of the way, would he fight all odds (& her) to have her in his life? Or would life come in the way of these star-crossed lovers?

…………………………….

Sharp 25 mins later, her phone flashed with his name.

Jude: see you in 5.

She sent a quick thumbs up and made her way down to the mentioned parking lot. After getting lost a few times on multiple floors and somehow explaining to the security staff as to why she needed to access the private parking, Ananya finally reached the spot.

His car was already there - some fancy chauffeur driven one she didn’t even know the make or model of. She had specifically asked him to not get down so they don’t get seen together and she was pleased to note that he had followed instructions to the T. In fact, the back seat had tinted glasses for extra privacy.

She walked over and at the same time the back door opened, his head peeking out with an extended hand and an ear-to-ear smile. Ananya took his hand and he smoothly guided her in, the door closing automatically behind her.

‘Wow, you really did come, huh? Part of me still wasn’t sure.’

‘Honestly, I am surprised too.’

He smiled at her refreshing honesty, something he was liking more and more about her.

‘The jersey looks great on you.’

He nodded appreciatively. Her whole mood lifted - it was one of her most prized possessions. While Roma had insisted she wears something fancier this evening, she had stuck to her guns.

‘Mine would have looked better though. Especially tonight, with the goals, you know. The ones you loved. Still not too late, dove. I have a spare one right here.’

He smirked, while looking straight into her eyes. He was trying to play it off as a casual remark but she could tell it wasn’t that.

‘Not a good colour on you, Jude. Not at all.’

She was lying. Outrightly. Because this borderline arrogance suited him perfectly. This mix of confidence & cockiness was the reason he had done wonders at this club in the last few months. But she wasn’t going to say that to him.

Jude burst out laughing, raising his hands in submission, making her laugh too.

He looked particularly jovial right now, understandably so. The man had just scored two winning goals in his first ever Classico, which was crazy.

It just occurred to her that he still hadn’t let go of her hand. Her right hand was still softly engulfed in his large left one, and he kept grazing her knuckles with his thumb from time to time. The touch felt warm and comfortable, making her take a deep breath to gather herself.

Meanwhile, he kept yapping away about the dressing room and silly stories of his teammates. Then proceeded to show her some crazy photos from the celebration. One of the photos had him shirtless and visibly wet, either just before the shower or after. She quickly looked elsewhere in the frame and thankfully he scrolled to the next one.

However, the next one was THAT notorious photo. Right after the goal. With both his hands pointing down.

‘Ah crap!’

He quickly locked the screen and threw the phone on the seat, looking towards the window with embarrassment.

‘That celebration was….interesting, shall we say?’

She teased him, then giggled at his subsequent groans.

‘My mum’s gonna give me some solid grief over that. You have no idea.’

‘Oh, she absolutely should.’

He turned sharply towards her, pretending to be hurt.

‘That’s what I get for winning you the match, huh? Not even some sympathy?’

‘Should have thought about that before pointing to your genitals with the whole world watching.’

It was a spur of the moment comment, but she absolutely froze after saying that, deeply flustered. Even he wasn’t expecting that from her, she could tell.

She firmly shut her eyes, kicking herself for the loose words.

Jude squeezed her hand, which was still firmly in his grip, and leaned closer. Whispering next to her ear.

‘Not such a little dove then, are we? Need to change my nickname for you.’

She broke into a nervous giggle, trying to push him away with a hand to his chest, but he caught that hand too, letting her struggle playfully in his hold. Laughing at her antics. Trying to get her to meet his gaze.

‘Juuuuude.’

‘Okay okay.’

He let her go, allowing her to calm down, then reached for her right hand again and gently covered it with his. She didn’t mind it at all. They stayed like that for the next few mins, soaking in the silence and enjoying the late evening views of this beautiful city.

‘We are almost there, reaching in two.’

They entered a gated, exclusive community. Ananya could tell from the looks of it that the USP was luxury and privacy. The houses were some distance away from each other, with big, gated yards and tons of natural beauty.

She felt a tinge of anxiety. The same feeling she had in the washroom before coming down to meet him. This world was very different from hers. But his hand on hers was a constant comfort in that moment.

When they pulled into his driveway, Jude thanked the driver with a smile and they both got down.

Jude got to the other side, guiding her inside with a soft hand to her lower back. It was the first time they stood next to each other and she realised how tall he really was. She barely came up till his throat. Barely.

The house, despite being big ofcourse, was not outrageously big. It felt nice and warm. Lived in. There were a ton of photos with friends, family and earlier footballing days. The place had a touch of his mom written all over it. All family photos, especially ones with his mom and brother, were full of biggest smiles and bear hugs. It was just wholesome.

Meanwhile, Jude switched off the alarm, turned up the lights and checked if the housekeeper had set some things in order.

Moments later, he walked over to her as she was still engrossed in the photos. Ananya turned around to greet him.

‘This is lovely. All of this.’

‘Thanks. All coz of my mum - she set up the whole place. I was quite useless to be honest. She shot all my ideas down, rightly so.’

He spoke so fondly of his mother, it made her smile.

‘Do you miss her? Miss the family?’

‘Uh-huh. A lot sometimes. But my mom keeps visiting and I go back every chance I get. Not too bad. What about you? Do you miss home?’

‘I do. It’s the first time I have been away like this. But we talk everyday and I am going to visit soon for Diwali. It’s a big festival back in India.’

‘Oh I know - told you have some Indian neighbours back home.’

As he started chatting again, she realised how easy it was to talk to him. One would forget who he is and his public persona when you get into a conversation with him. Again, so so normal.

After a few minutes, he guided her into the kitchen to get a drink.

As he picked up a bottle of red, she leaned against the counter and smiled to herself while he struggled with the wine opener. After 30 seconds, she decided to end his misery.

‘Here, let me help you.’

She strutted over and deftly fixed the opener as he stood behind her, rubbing the back of his neck & wondering how silly he would have looked to her.

‘Brainiac and resourceful - the list just keeps growing, dove.’

That earned him a few giggles which he gladly accepted.

‘In my defence, I mostly drink on vacation only. So.’

He shrugged and waived his hands, and she smiled at his goofiness while walking back to her spot at the counter.

She tried to sit up, finding the right angle to jump but somehow the counter was not the right height. Just then, she felt his hands on either side of her waist.

‘Here, let me help you.’

He smirked at the call back. Then, he effortlessly lifted her up, just with his hands, to help her settle on the counter. It took her a few seconds to gather herself and ponder over the physics of what had happened.

‘Music?’

‘Huh?’

‘Want some music?’

‘Sure.’

Jude put on some Spanish music. Combination of melodies and flamenco.

‘This okay? I started listening to this stuff to help learn the language, but now I kinda like it. Got a nice ring to it.’

It did sound serene, and yet had catchy beats. She started waving to the tune without realising it.

‘Yeah, it’s nice.’

He leaned against the opposite counter, sipping his wine & just taking her in as she got lost in the music. The jersey did look great on her, and the dark blue denim jeans went perfectly with it. Her open brown hair completed the look, matching her brown eyes. There was something about her that was drawing him to her. Maybe it was her ease, her honesty, her being true to herself, her strong opinions - it was refreshing. Different. Sweet. It was also alluring.

She was too far though, he wanted to be closer. So he crossed the distance between them and hopped on to the counter, settling next to her. Shoulders and knees almost touching.

When Ananya felt him close, she broke out of her trance & looked up at him. Maybe it was the lights constantly changing to the music but somehow his eyes felt different. They seemed to be looking right through her, searching for some signs. She gulped the remaining wine and that’s when his gaze broke.

He reached for the bottle on the other side of the counter, his long arms coming into play. Making her scoff.

‘Tall people things.’

Amused, he turned around and smiled.

‘Ooh is that a sore spot?’

‘Don’t even start.’

‘Fine, but you are quite perfect the way you are.’

He said casually while pouring the second round for both of them. She didn’t know how to respond to that or process that.

‘Tell me, are you a dancer?

‘Where did that come from?’

‘Just a gut. Feels like you have the rhythm for it, from the way you were moving just now. I absolutely DO NOT have that rhythm, so deprived people like me can tell when someone has what we don’t have.’

Ananya burst into a fit of giggles at his explanation, and ended up holding on to his elbow to regain her balance.

‘What? It’s true. Though I am not half as bad as Cama and Vini claim.’

‘Oh yeah - they can bust some moves. Especially Cama, he’s so precious. Absolutely adorable. He must be the life of all parties, no?

Jude sipped his wine quietly.

‘Yeah he’s fine.’

‘Fine? He’s a sweetheart. And to top it off what a player, man. His….’

‘Yeah yeah - hasn’t scored a goal in years though.’

‘Heyy, behave. I won’t hear trash talk against him. Or against anyone in my team. Love them all.’

‘Great. Noted.’

‘Can you stop pouting, Jude?’

‘Can you stop calling everyone else a sweetheart but me? Is it not enough that I have to see you in someone else’s jersey?’

She couldn’t help but feel a tad guilty at that. But she wasn’t sorry. She would never be sorry for loving Ronaldo the way she did but she could see his point too.

‘Truce?’

She extended her hand towards him. He looked at it for a second, then shook it gladly.

‘Truce.’

Just then, she heard her phone ring in the living room.

‘Stay, I will get it.’

‘Thank you.’

She was liking her place on the counter too much to get off right now.

He jogged to the living room and quickly came back to hand her the phone. It was still ringing. Strangely, he didn’t sit next to her. Rather, he busied himself in heating their pasta.

When she looked at the phone, she understood why. Arjun was on the line, for a video call. The same person Jude had thrown a fit over a few hours ago.

Surely he wouldn’t have recognised him, having only seen his face & name once. Or did he? She had a feeling he did, with the way he had his back to her right now.

Also, why was Arjun video calling her? He had never done that before. She disconnected the call. Jude paused for a second, then got back to the task at hand.

Her phone pinged again, a text this time from Arjun. She read it & put the phone down.

Jude was done with heating the pasta by then, and he placed the tray on the counter. He still hadn’t looked at her.

‘You can say or ask what you want to.’

‘Nope that’s a trap. You will get mad, like earlier.’

He had heard the challenge in her voice the last time he asked her, wasn’t going to fall for it again.

She couldn’t help but smile.

‘I promise I won’t get mad. Say.’

He finally looked up at her, indecisive for a few seconds but then he just went for it.

‘It was him, then?’

‘Yes, Arjun.’

‘Don’t need to know his name, didn’t ask for it.’

‘Noted.’

She answered calmly, which made his temperament ease as well.

‘What did he want?’

‘The three of them are at a club. He was asking me if I wanted to join them.’

‘THEM? Sure, that’s what he meant. Subtle.’

Ananya chose to not address the last comment.

‘Has he asked you out before?’

‘No.’

‘Does he think you asking him to come to the match today is some sort of a signal from you?’

Ananya was still. She hadn’t thought of it like that, not till Jude put it so bluntly. She honestly had no idea what to make of it and she said it out loud to him.

‘The bottom line is, I am not going. I am not answering his call. Is that not enough?’

‘Yeah, whatever.’

‘Jude, c’mon.’

‘Look, he likes you. Don’t ask me how I know it. But I do. At some point you have to deal with it coz you see him at work everyday. All day.’

‘Listen, I..’

‘On second thoughts, I do know how I know this.’

Jude walked over to her in big strides, and stood right in front of her, with both his hands on either side of her on the counter. His body touching her knees. He leaned closer.

‘He looked at you like I am looking at you right now. That’s how I know.’

They stared into each others eyes for god knows how long, coz neither of them knew. Finally, he allowed his hand to tuck back some loose strands from her face. Something he had wanted to do all night.

She sighed audibly, and he loved that sound. And wanted to elicit more sounds from her. But he needed to address the elephant in the room first.

Food was long forgotten, going cold on the counter. He held both her hands in his & met her gaze.

‘There is something holding you back from this, back from me. Tell me, is it him?’

A pained expression plastered over her face. He was so right and so wrong in some ways. It was time to let it out, no more hiding.

‘It’s not him.’

He let out a long sigh - mix of relief and dread.

‘What is it then? Tell me dove, we can work it out.’

She shut her eyes tightly, unable to look at his face as she uttered the next words.

‘That’s the thing, Jude. I don’t know if we can.’

……………………………………….

That was Chapter 3 folks. Lots more to go. Any feedback / comments are super welcome - would love to hear what you think :)

[from-izzy]

this summer... | tbz lee jaehyun | hyunjae

» ​PAIRING: tbz lee jaehyun x fem reader​ » TROPE/AU​: don't think there's a trope for this one 🤔 established relationship au! » GENRE​: summer break, holiday with friends, boyfie hyunjae, hyunjae's cute curly hair makes an appearance!, very fluffy patient hyunjae, very cute hyunjae, comforting and lovely hyunjae, summer holiday cause we all deserve to rest, maybe around...4/5 comfort level (in my standards!), hyunjae tucks your hair behind your ears, reader blushes because of boyfie hyunjae, long-haired reader who uses her hair to hide from hyunjae, standing infront of the mirror together as you both face your insecurities (hyunjae is also taller than you) » WORD COUNT: ​6384 » ESTIMATED READING TIME: ~25 mins » WARNINGS (lmk if i missed anything!): insecurities, weight and body image

repost for @deoboyznet's 📢❤️ first house event!

just went back and fixed up the grammar and writing mistakes (there were a lot, i don't know how i missed it 😭)

Summer holds a very soft, warm spot in your heart.

For one, it’s the way the season is conveniently placed in the middle of July to the end of August which is the best time to destress after almost half a year of studying your ass off.

Secondly, it’s the way that you would shout “cannonball!” whilst you and your friends linked hands and jumped into the backyard, outdoor swimming pool.

Thirdly, it’s the way that you can flexibly work your schedule for a short amount of time: waking up, sleeping whenever you want to, studying when you want to and hanging out with the same friends when you want to.

Fourthly, it’s the way that every single food tastes so much better in the sunny summer compared to other white winters, the sneezy spring and the awkward cold-but-not-too-cold autumn.

But it’s also the way that you met your boyfriend in this beautiful season two years ago when he transferred to your school, alongside the fact that he shyly (but confidently, at the same time) asked you to be his a year ago at your favourite beach. You remember the way his cheeks flush with surprise when he turns back upon Younghoon and Jacob’s mischievous giggles, telling him to turn back to see you stare at him in bewilderment. The truth was revealed later on that your friends plotted the confession, complaining about your blindness of the lovesick eyes that you both sent to each other yet doing nothing about it.

To celebrate your last high school summer break together, Jaehyun’s closest two friends, Younghoon and Jacob, would come together with your slightly bigger group to spend a little four-day, three-night getaway at Jeju Island.

All of you have been talking about this for ages and how it would be a fun treat for making it through the last decade of compulsory high school and to give an encouraging pump for the last half a year left before you all finally become adults and take your own pathways. You all saved money like crazy even when you all reached the budget that is needed (you never know what could happen!) and the exciting day finally starts off tomorrow with Jacob driving one car while Seoyoon drives the smaller 4-wheel drive. It’s a shame that they couldn’t find a single car for all six of them at a reasonable price but they are all thankful for the opportunity to even share these memories together. 

“Are you all ready for tomorrow?” Your mum peaks in after she knocks on your bedroom door. She was just as excited as you are, seeing how much you worked so hard both at school and your efforts on saving money for the last three years, “Give this to Jaehyun for me as well.”

“Hm?” You took your eyes off your still messy luggage to see, what you assumed to be, a black leather jacket that was folded neatly with a red ribbon wrapped around it; don’t forget the simple small card with his name on it, slipped in the middle of the ribbon. 

“It’s his birthday gift. It was his birthday recently, right?” Your mum’s considerate act made you smile brightly and you jumped up from your knees to give her a tight hug. With your arms around her neck and your neck on her shoulders, you squeal in happiness, “Okay, okay I get it, you love him very much.”

You jump, still in your mum’s arms with your head in the clouds as you picture your loving boyfriend that you will be able to spend time with nonstop for the next four days or so, “I really really do. He’s just so perfect, mum.”

“Yes, yes. I’ve heard this way too much. Now let go of me, child. You need to finish packing.” Your mum rolls her eyes playfully and you know there was a big smile plastered on her own face with the way her words were delivered so clearly.

“Okay, okay.” With a quick kiss on her cheek, your mum disappears to the other side of the door. You let out a sigh of happiness, putting Jaehyun’s gift next to your luggage as you imagined how cute, good, hot, handsom---

“Also,” You jump a bit, hands on your chest when your mum surprised you this time with no further notice of her presence, “stop stealing his clothes.” You just giggle guiltily as her uninteresting eyes direct themselves to your overfilled, messy closet, “One, you already have a lot. Two,” back to your giddy figure, “he’s going to go broke.”

The whole house was sleeping, recharging from their own personal tiring events from the day. You should probably be too as you’ve all planned quite an early morning to get the most out of your holiday together. Instead though, somewhere in the middle of your packing, you couldn’t help but call your boyfriend, “Can you…” 

“Hm?” Jaehyun on the other side of the line was also about to call you earlier and his face lit up when your name popped up on his screen, the familiar and specific ringtone bouncing around his four walls excitedly, “What’s wrong?”

The both of them curled up in their own respective beds with hushed voices full of love and adoration. Their phones were near their own faces as they lay down on their side to face each other’s respective profile pictures on their phones. At first, they wanted to do a video call but Jaehyun adamantly refused as per experience, they would not be able to sleep until about an hour before they were supposed to wake up. As much as you both know that you (probably) shouldn’t be doing that during school times, sitting next to each other during recess and lunch, with your head resting on his shoulder and his on top of yours as you both tried desperately to recharge quickly for the next periods, you both concluded that those late night (early morning) talks have always been worth it.

“Can we just…not sleep tonight?” You offered, your cheeks red as you pulled your blanket further up your face to hide as if Jaehyun could see you over his phone, “And just talk?”

“You know we shouldn’t, bubs.” Jaehyun hums, whispering back to you softly, “Plus we will literally be together for four days.”

“Well,” You grumble, sighing out as you finally voice the rough mathematical sound in your head, “technically less because we won’t be in the same room and then after that, there will be toilet breaks and then we lose milliseconds when we blink our eyes and then we won’t be in the same car as well, which is a big deal and it’s ju---”

“Okay okay, so maybe it’s not for a full ninety-six hours.” Jaehyun’s amused chuckle made you softly smile again, closing your eyes to focus on his comforting voice, “But we should get to sleep now, hm? Let’s just keep the phone on, okay?”

“Ah! I forgot to tell you abou---”

“Bubs.” Jaehyun scolds you playfully. You could make out the grin on his face and the way his eyes form little crescent shapes as you just whine about not wanting to fall asleep yet, “Tell you what.”

“Hm?”

You make out the shuffles from the other side of the line, telling you that Jaehyun is getting into a more comfortable position. This made you kick your legs and squeal into the phone as you knew what he would say next. Jaehyun shakes his head at your obviously delighted response. He sits up on the bed, laying his back on the bed frame. With his phone on his lap, he continued to make his little ‘deal’, “I’ll sing and you sleep.”

“Fine.” You rolled your eyes but the tone of your voice gave away what you truly felt, “Night, Jae.”

“Goodnight, bubs.”

You woke up refreshed, the tune that Jaehyun sang to you last night replaying in your head. You forgot to charge your phone last night so when you said ‘good morning’ and didn’t receive a response back, you were worried that something happened to the other line. Quickly jumping out of bed to reach for your power bank and starting your phone up with a series of impatient ‘come on, come on’, you thought you could beat your boyfriend’s text first.

With a bear and a heart next to his name, your notification showed the ‘good morning, sleepyhead.’ and the ‘beat you to it first, bubs.’

You slap your forehead gently to scold yourself. Forgetting to charge your phone overnight during an overnight phone call isn’t new to you and you made a bet with Jaehyun that the next time it happens (which is, just then), you would be the first one to send him a ‘good morning’ text, beating his unbeatable strike of twenty-three.

“Well, that’s twenty-four now.” The heartwarming feeling spreads through your body again and the smallest things that Jaehyun did made you feel so loved that you felt that you were out of this world.

You plop back down on your bed, stretching your arms out to the ceiling with your phones in your hands as you watch the ‘ringing’ switch to a stopwatch to show the duration of the call, “You beat me.” Jaehyun chuckles through the speaker mode.

“Good morning to you too.” You see the request to turn the voice call into a video call and you pick it up immediately, “Ah, my girlfriend is so pretty in the morning.”

“Lee Jaehyun, stop.” You pull your hair over to hide your face, peeking through the gaps to see him blow a kiss at you. You blew one back, your cheeks still flaring red and warm, “If I look pretty then you’re a masterpiece.”

“As if.” With the new angle of the phone facing towards the ceiling, you observed the way that your boyfriend enters a new room, turning on the lights to start his morning routine. Jaehyun puts his phone against his bathroom mirror but due to his height and the lower table, you can no longer see his face. But you didn’t need to see his face to know what he was going to do. 

Your regular morning and night phone calls served as a kind of ‘get ready for’ something together and it also allowed you both to become more comfortable with each other during your first stages of dating. When you were just friends, these calls weren’t regular and only happened when you both needed to get something off your chests, or maybe rant about a nightmare that you had and needed some comfort. When you both started dating, it naturally became a regular thing you both indulged in, spending hours studying or watching movies together at night and spending your morning hours together before you hung up when you both were back to each other physically.

So you knew very well what Jaehyun was going to do when he let out a loud exhale and plugged his hair straighter into the power plug on the wall where the phone was near, “Straightening your hair?” You didn’t ask this question often. Most of the time you asked is either because you both weren’t currently talking or were too busy in your morning routines.

“Yeah.” He lets out a loud exhale and you observe how his chest leans forward toward the mirror, presumably to take a better look at a part of his hair that is already straightened, "Just…" another sigh, "yeah."

You nod at his words. Turning over to lay on your stomach to be in a more comfortable position, you just watch Jaehyun's arms moving left to right, up and down as he readjusts his hair with the help of his mirror. The series of 'tsk' from the other side of the line made your heart clench and you couldn't help but reassure him, your chin resting on your arm, "I love your curly hair, Jae."

You know how much Jaehyun gets insecure about his natural hair sometimes. The very first time you saw it was when you arrived at Jaehyun's house really early when you both were only friends. He opened the door for you to wait inside but due to his nervousness about unexpectedly having you over and walking to school with you for the first time, he forgot to finish his morning routine.

You remember greeting him with a shy smile and 'good morning' and he didn't even get the chance to say it back because your eyes travelled up to the very different hairstyle he has compared to the one you see at school. No need to say, he shut the door on you and the whoosh of wind left you stunned at the front door for a while.

When he opened the door again, you sweetly smiled at him, complimenting the natural shape of his hair. His worries about you seeing him as different (and possibly in your eyes, ugly) all disappear when you offer to straighten his hair for him.

Lee Jaehyun was a tomato throughout it all, especially when you said you like boys with curly hair. Like, what was he even supposed to do with that information?

"R-Really?" You lift your chin, coming closer to the phone screen when Jaehyun's face comes into view, "I-I just…I look so ba---"

"You look gorgeous." You quickly interrupted and you relaxed when Jaehyun let out a genuine sigh of relief. You took note of how his smile grew and his eyes looked at you thankfully, "I promise."

He retrieves his phone back to his hand and places his now gleaming face in the middle of the screen, "Thank you." He blew a kiss to the screen and you returned the gesture back before finally starting your own morning routine before Seoyoon arrived.

It's only around thirty minutes later when Seoyoon texted her arrival and you scurried down the stairs with all your necessities chaotically, "I think I'll hang up now. Lyla will not let me live otherwise."

"Yep, even though she's the biggest contributor to our relationship." Jaehyun remarks, "See you soon, bubs."

"Love you, see you soon!"

You turned off your phone, pocketed it safely and dropped your luggage in the trunk of the car. Hopping in with an excited feeling, you were quickly attacked with your own words that you said a couple of minutes ago.

"Love you, see you soon!!" Lyla imitates you, a series of eyebrow wiggles and teasing smiles on her face when she turns her body over to face the back seat where you just groan and roll your eyes.

"Hey. You and Jacob aren't any better." Seoyeon defends you swiftly and you poke your tongue out at your now-defeated friend.

"They're so cute, it physically makes me sick." Your backseat partner, Sua comments.

You squint your eyes at her, "I'm not sure whether that's a compliment or not but I'll just accept it and move on." Seoyeon watches her best friend from the rearview mirror, nodding and clicking her tongue in approval while humming in thought, "What?"

"You and Jaehyun are perfect for each other indeed." Seoyoon starts the engine again, turning up the music to a desirable amount for the hour-long trip to the resort.

You blush at that, murmuring to yourself, "He's perfect for sure." 

The holiday just started and it’s already so much better than you expected. While waiting for your gate to open, you pass Jaehyun’s gift from your mum, your boyfriend putting it on straight away despite the warm weather and sending a video message to your mum in gratitude. Lyla also planned a 'little' daily schedule for you all to follow the past few days. The later bloomers were not particularly happy with starting the day at nine and ending it at eleven on the same day and through choruses of opinions, she scrapped the idea and reduced the amount of group activities. You reassured your best friend that you would still do the main things that she wanted to do together and you were satisfied with the way she tackled you down on the bed in happiness. 

Other than that, you all did an awesome job at finding this beach house. The location of the beach house is convenient and with the time of the year, a lot of night markets and activities were planned each day to celebrate the warm season. The area is filled with other couples and not so surprisingly other students who are enjoying their short freedom before they have to bury their whole bodies underneath a pile of books and practice exam papers. 

“We’re finally here!” You all walked out and breathed the minty fresh air and salty sea as you stepped out of the airport, “This is so exciting!” Sua pulls both you and Seoyoon by the waist, squishing you three into a tight hug, “We’re going to have so much fun.”

You chuckle and affirm her words, “But let’s get the car first.”

Jacob points to the familiar plate numbers and along with Seoyoon, figures out the final arrangements, all the terms and conditions before finally attaining the keys from the person in charge.

“Can I---”

“No. You already spent like an hour with him on the flight.” 

Sua gives you a deadpan look and Lyla pushes the girl lightly, “Just let her go. Jaehyun is looking at us with puppy eyes as well. Go with Jacob though, don’t want to see you two being all lovey-dovey.”

“Ew.” Sua throws her head back and jumps out of the hug, “You know what you both go in Jacob’s car. I’m going to go with Younghoon and Seoyoon.”

You took Lyla’s hand with your chin held high, teasing Sua’s look of grimace, “Not a problem with me.” As you were about to grab the handle of your wheel bag in another, Jaehyun ran to your side and beat you to it, giving you a quick kiss on your cheek.

His smirk grew at the way your cheeks grew red at the lingering feeling of his lips, “You weren’t giving me any attention.” Lyla squeals and runs away from you to hug her own boyfriend instead. Still frozen and shy at the unexpected act, you turned your head to the side with raised eyebrows, a gaped mouth and being absolutely speechless, Jaehyun shrugged innocently, “I was getting kind of lonely, bubs.” 

“Lee Jaeh---”

Another kiss this time was given straight to your lips, muffling your complaints.

“Wha---”

Your internal body temperature is rising to be as hot as the summer heat and Jaehyun knew that he needed to cool you down or else you were probably going to murder him for making you so flustered in the middle of the walkway entrance of the airport door. He dips his head down once more to ghost over your plumper lips and before you can say anything else, his palms land softly on both sides of your waist, encasing you in his hold. His thumbs soothe down the sides of your body particularly along your ribs as you gasp from the delicate touch before he dives in to kiss you once more. Your own arms lift and you cross your wrists over on his nape, pulling him closer and responding to the kiss.

You felt nervous as you were out in public, tens of people just walking by or just standing around, but it all dissipated when you felt his breath on your lips. The kiss itself wasn’t heated like some of your other kisses with him but rather sweet and gentle. His lips would hug your lower lips before pulling away a little bit and hug your upper lip instead, relishing the way you would respond to him as a smile grew on both of your faces. He would do those little nudges and brushes with his nose on yours and you giggled as it meant that his playful self appeared to replace his flirty self.

“A bit jealous?” You asked him with your foreheads against each other.

“No.” Jaehyun smiles so widely when you both make eye contact, so much so that his cute little eye wrinkle smile makes its appearance, “A lot.”

That's how Jaehyun showed his love to you throughout the trip. It would also be holding hands whenever you both could, filling up your plate with more food whenever it got empty, making you walk on the inside of the walkway, dropping you off at your room door as if it wasn't just across and a little bit of a turn to his own room with the other boys, reminding you that you're beautiful and that he loves you every day.

Just.

You love this man. So much. With all your heart.

And Jaehyun knows that. From the way you would use your palm to block the side of his face due to the wind, to how you would give him the first bite of your ice cream, reminding him to put more sunscreen and applying it to his face every so often, to the way you sweetly kissed him on the lips as you both rested for the night.

He loves you. So much. With all his heart.

He managed to prove to you that every single day for the past two years you were friends, the past year and a half when he developed a crush on you, and the last year ever since you confessed your feelings to him back after him.

But you see, it's just unavoidable that you would still have those times alone when you would look at your body and feel self-conscious about it. You're human after all. It's normal to have a drop in confidence sometimes but the stereotype of girls in summer with their tanned skin, humongous sunglasses and revealing bikini got to you sometimes.

Your boyfriend is a godsend. It's no secret that girls would crush on him and the boys want to be him. I mean, with that kind heart, sexy brain (and body) and handsome visuals? Seriously, what did you do in your past life to receive this much love from a single person?

"You're not changing?"

Snapping out of your daze from your messy luggage, you could see your three friends all in their own choice of swimsuits and bikinis under their beach towels and robes. Seoyoon stares at you worriedly through her pink sunglasses.

"Um." You try your best to show a genuine smile, "I'll be there, just trying to swallow down that heavy lunch. You guys go on ahead."

You would be stupid if you thought they would believe that. Six years of friendship with a punt lie like that? Absolutely not. But they didn't question you further as you just bit your lower lip, feeling your confidence drop down once more. They know you just wanted to be alone after telling them that you felt sick and that you ate so much after lunch.

This is the part of summer that you hate.

As much as summer does hold a soft spot in your heart, sometimes the reminder that the sun is made out of fire literally made your head hot due to the overthinking that you always did somewhere along the way before you stepped into any type of swimsuit. 

Deciding to succumb to your thoughts for a little bit, you sit down on the edge of the bed in defeat. You look out to see the sun's circumference not too far away from kissing the edge of the ocean and you could feel yourself starting to cry as you tried to push your dark thoughts away.

"Come on." You pleaded with yourself to pick up a swimsuit, any swimsuit, so that you can go meet with the others and watch the sunset together by the beach before you would all need to pack up and go back to reality tomorrow, "Please…" You whimper in desperation.

The balls of your feet step onto the side rail of the bed and you begin to sob, your arms wrapping your abdomen tightly in frustration. The water runs straight down from your eyelashes to your thighs and those droplets eventually make their own path from there as well.

You want to see the sunset as the beach water splashes and hugs your lower body. You want to see the sunset with your friends and your boyfriend together as you maybe do a little water fight against each other. You want to see the sky turn its bright colours to darker hues that signal younger children to turn their devices off and go to sleep. 

You want to do all that so badly.

You released all your pent-up feelings through your tears and the cawing seagulls constantly reminded you that you were running out of time as the circle in the sky would eventually just sink and it would not stop or wait for anyone or anything. You managed to be in a swimsuit on the other previous days. So why now? When this whole little "let's see the sunset together in the water" was your idea. Why? Why why why---

You shouldn't have eaten so much in the last few days, feeling the difference in your stomach but also outside through your own eyes. So still with these burning thoughts and blurry vision, you just close your eyes, shove your hands into your suitcase, and take the first cold elastane fabric in your palms and change into it. Throughout your trip, you would plan your outfits with the help of the full body mirror that was placed behind the door, taking selfies with your friends as you all pulled funny faces together. 

This is the only outfit that the mirror didn't see and the camera did not have save, and you didn’t think anything or anyone could change that. Quickly, you grab an oversized shirt, pulling it over your body to quickly realise that it's one of Jaehyun’s that you stole. You chuckle between your ragged gasps for air, sitting down on the bed again to continue your cries for a bit more. Before you can even hug your body once more, the knock on the door makes you whip your head backwards towards it.

"Bubs? Are you okay?"

You whimper at the familiar voice behind the door and you shake your head, not trusting your ability to answer verbally. Of course, the door isn't transparent and Jaehyun himself is only human too and understandably, your lack of response only makes him worry more.

"Hey…I'm going in alright?" The door clicks open with that and you hurriedly wipe any last bit of tears on your face, running your wet palms along the clothing that covers half of your thighs. You still couldn’t help your sniffles though and it was enough to have the smile on Jaehyun’s face and his soft steps to change quickly, “Hey, hey. What’s wrong?”

You only shook your head in response, your fists clenched the shirt in frustration as you began to drown in your own thoughts as well. Jaehyun kneels down in front of your downcasted head and if you looked up, you would be able to see the sad smile, the way his eyes gaze at you with patience and love. Carefully, his hand reaches out to your now-white fists. His fingers lay on the back of your palm while his palm lays on your knuckles, his thumb soothing the exposed sides of your pointer finger.

He made his presence to you with small, gentle steps from there: tucking your hair behind your ears, making a joke about how he thought he lost the shirt you were wearing, and letting out a harmonious chuckle when you responded to his joke. With time, he even manages to let your hands go off his now crinkled shirt, holding both your hands instead.

"I'm sorry." Is the first word you said when you broke the silence. 

Pouting at that, Jaehyun leans forward to kiss your tired knuckles, "Don't be. You haven't done anything wrong."

"I have…" You whisper guiltily, "We missed the sunset right?"

"Hey, don't you think about that right now, okay?" He shakes his head at your worries, "That's not important. What's important is why you were crying alone and feeling sad about something."

"I'm just---" You sigh exasperatedly. Your eyes haven't met Jaehyun, just taking in the way your hands were between his. The changes in your physical appearance made you so weak and frustrated, "I just don't feel good about my body and you're literally so perfect and I just can't keep up with how perfect you ar---"

"Stop, don't say that about yourself." He lets go of your hands, scooting over and straightening his back. You close your eyes, sniffling once again as you feel your boyfriend's hands cup your cheek, lifting your messy face to him. He wipes the rest of the tears that escape from your eyes with his thumbs, leaning to press kisses on both your eyelids in an attempt to ground you back. 

You open your eyes to see the love hearts that swirl around his eyes freely, the crease between his eyebrows and the somewhat serious face he has on. 

"He's mad at me…" and you bit your lip to contain your assumptions to yourself, scared that Jaehyun would affirm it and want that could result, "Please don't leave me."

"I wo---"

"I'll make myself look better in every way possible, just please give me time."

"Bubs, what are you talking about?" Jaehyun shakes his head at your rant while his head tries to pick up the pieces together to make a sort of confusion, "You're perfect as you are. Don't ever change yourself for anyone. Including me."

"But those girls are so pretty, Jaehyun and you would look so much better with them. Or maybe with me if I was somewhere on their lev---"

"Please look at yourself the way that I see you through my eyes." It was soft, almost like a hush. But you catch the way his lips move when you go on a tangent and you stop yourself from going further.

Jaehyun stands up, making you stand up as well and brings you in for a hug, his hand behind your head and the other around your waist. You let out the rest of your tears on his chest, punching him lightly while your palm pushes your stomach in frustration.

Jaehyun doesn't care about your punches to his chest but he immediately catches your other hand, pulling it away to the side of your body. His hand wraps itself around your wrist tightly, stopping you from pulling it back, "You're gorgeous." His hold on your body tightens as he recites the words that you said to him a few days ago through the latest video chat you both had, "I promise."

"Jaehyun…"

"I don't care about other girls. Who cares about them? When I have such a gorgeous girlfriend inside and out and bonus for me, loves me for who I am?" Jaehyun puts a small distance between his chest and your face, gazing down at you and planting a kiss on your forehead, "Wait here for a bit?"

You nod at the question and he leaves to go to the bathroom. While he left, your eyes went back to the view outside the window and you could predict how much time had passed as the circumference of the sun started to really make contact with the ocean. The guilt settles in again and you curse yourself for ruining the last group event of the whole trip. 

But before you could really drown in the darkness again, Jaehyun stumbles out of the bathroom and you gasp at his wet hair and the darker spots on his shirt due to the water. You walk over to him, your mouth moving in different shapes though no voice was heard.

Jaehyun chuckles at the way you retrieved a towel and laid it on top of his head, beginning to dry his brown hair with circular motions, "Thank you." He takes the towel with one hand, continuing the motions himself while his other arm snakes around your waist to pull you back to his chest.

You rest your chin on his left pectoral, observing the little curls of his hair starting to make its appearance and you smile fondly at how it would disappear underneath the towel and reappear again. When Jaehyun puts the towel around his neck, you couldn't help but reach out to play with one of his curls, trapping the strands between your thumb and pointer and gently tugging it, straightening the strand until the end, only for it to retract back to its formal shape.

"Having fun there?" Jaehyun comments when you do the same action to other strands of his hair. Slowly, a joyful smile comes to your face and he feels relieved at the pretty sight, "Come here for a second."

He led you to stand in front of the mirror and you immediately turned back to hug your boyfriend, scowling at how messy you looked, "I think I just saw a ghost." You complain, hiding your face in his chest. 

"Oh?" Jaehyun gasps out dramatically, "What where? I hate ghosts but I'll protect you!" Just like before, he held you close with both of his fingers intertwining behind your back. 

You both stayed like this for a moment longer. Jaehyun's heartbeat calms you down and you exhale in contentment at the way he starts to sway from side to side slightly. The familiar scent of your shampoo, unknown to you, makes him feel the same calmness as well as he faces his insecurity head-on through the mirror.

You took notice of how Jaehyun's body felt a bit tense compared to how it was with your last hug. From the lower side angle, you can see the way that his jaw tenses at the look that the mirror is giving him, gulping at his own reflection. Turning your body around to face the mirror, still within his hold, you ignore how much you hate your own reflection, staring at your boyfriend's eyes instead.

Too deep in his thought, you rest your forearms on top of his, this time your palms on top of his like how he did before, "Love your hair, Jae."

You can see the slight flinch when your voice pulls him back to reality. You blush when he dips his chin down to your shoulder, whispering his own words to your ears, "Love your body, bubs."

The mirror showed the couple's full body, including the parts of themselves that they each hated the most. But the mirror also showed the both of them together as they embraced and basked in each other's love, reminding the other that their insecurities were valid but that they still love the other the same way. 

You realise that when Jaehyun washed out his hairspray, using a towel to dry his hair to make his natural hair come back instantly. You realised once again that Jaehyun is truly in love with you, so patient and so kind with your journey and the smile that grew on your lips which each realisation made Jaehyun blush and bury his face onto the crook of your neck.

You remind yourself internally at this moment, as you face yourself straight into the mirror, "I'm enough and I'm gorgeous." And the deep inhale of the cold but warming air that enters your lungs, untangles Jaehyun's hands and with no pressure, places itself on your clothed stomach. He presses a kiss on the underside of your jawline, whispering sweet nothings to you.

You turn your head to face him this time, not through the mirror, the tips of your noses together, your eyes closed and your mind at peace, "Thank you."

"No, thank you." A shake of his head and a kiss on your lips, "For loving me and treating me like I’m perfect."

“You’re perfect in my eyes.”

“Took the words right out of my mouth.”

You were able to watch the upper half of the sunset with your friends at the beach. Seoyoon, Lyla and Sua could see the tranquillity on your face and they looked at each other, sending nods, knowing that you were fine and doing okay now. Just as you wished, you were able to fully feel the salty water around your entire body, leaving the oversized shirt somewhere on the big volume of sand behind you.

All of you know that this trip was way better than you had expected. It would be a trip that you would talk about and look back on for the rest of your life. It's a summer memory that you will hold on to not only because all your hard work in your jobs paid off, or your first trip with all your friends and boyfriend without supervision, or how Jaehyun loves you dearly.

This summer taught you that you love the people in your life right now and how fast time goes by as you surround yourself with them.

This summer gave you confidence that you will be able to go back and study more when you're back and pursue whatever it is that you want.

This summer taught you that you're enough as you are and that you should be kinder towards every part of yourself, to treat your body for going through all the hardships that life has given you.

This summer also made you fall in love with Lee Jaehyun deeper and you are sure that your relationship will grow further and stronger from now on.

You can't wait for the new things you'll learn next summer but that's something for later. For now, as the sun continues to set further and you all run back to land to set up a group photo with the scene as the background, you envelop yourself within the bounds of Jaehyun's arms.

"Love you." You quickly kiss him before turning back around to pose for the camera.

"Love you more." He squishes in audibly before the camera snaps.

Oh, how you'll remember this summer.

tags: @deoboyznet 📢❤️

[rvb-is-gay]

Final Thoughts on RVB Restoration

(note that i did not bother with proper punctuation here and additional thoughts may be added later)

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT:

wow. i have A LOT to say about this

first, lets start with the things i really liked about this finale:

red team fight scenes. simmons and grif fighting the meta was so good, especially simmons being SO BADASS. simmons stans were fed well. i always love seeing the reds and blues fighting, even if theyre not good, as opposed to freelancers fighting

caboose did a lot and i think had some solid development (as much as he could get in only an hour and 25 mins, at least) and it seems like they made him less dumb?? which is fine with me, it almost seemed like he matured. i also kinda liked seeing caboose being thrown around and beaten up cause it HURT ME SO MUCH but i love being hurt (i love caboose this isnt meant to be an insult to him). it was also just so surreal seeing caboose actually being hurt in an animation because he always managed to avoid major beatings like that before. him and tucker having a brief moment together was soul crushing and i wish we couldve had more of that

tucker being influenced by the meta has been a thing since the s13 finale and seeing it actually happen was really cool

tex being brought back was kind of a meh thing for me. i think everything tex related shouldve just been left in s10 because that season really wrapped it all up nicely. i did enjoy having her back, though, just for the sake of her as a character cuz i love her. and her and church together was so fucking cute and heartbreaking

sarge dying to save caboose was obviously fucking SADDENING but also sweet in a way cause i love caboose being the honorary red member. he loves his blue son

again, simmons being a badass was so fucking good

the grimmons scene with grif saying "come with me" was romantic as hell 😭😭😭

churchs gay little pose

chex scene with tex holding churchs hand was so gjfHDJSAFKGHSDJFSDFKAS GODDDDD THIS M/F SHIP HAS ME IN A CHOKEHOLD

now, the things i DIDNT like:

really unfortunate that the movie/season was only 1 hr 25 mins. it really limited what they could do with the plot and characters, but i understand if it wasnt possible for RT to do more due to warner bros for example

churchs whole youtube video thing was kinda funny but also dragged on for too long and was the perfect example of "show dont tell" NOT being implemented

a lot of stuff felt ooc, like how the reds didnt wanna help caboose at all. the beginning with epsilon showing up was understandable with how they didnt want to get involved, but later on the ship they just leave caboose to be choked out by the meta? THAT part didnt feel like the reds at all. grif also for some reason was so fucking mad and yelling a lot? idk where all that came from? it was so random like grif chill dude 😭

wash just being stuck in a mental hospital for something we dont even find out about until the end, which in a story sense isnt inherently bad obviously and can really add to the narrative, but in this case it just felt so confusing and like it didnt make sense. why would carolina and the reds and blues just let that happen to wash? not to say that getting help with mental health is bad or anything, just what i mean is they dont seem to care that hes gone or anything and dont visit him and hes treated like hes crazy the whole time hes in the hospital

479er being alive was really awesome, but it came out of nowhere (i understand that this is also probably due to the runtime restraint)

WHERE THE HELL WERE DONUT AND LOPEZ THE WHOLE TIME???? lopez showed up once and donut was in a 5 second thought bubble from simmons? the FINAL season of rvb and they dont even have the full crew of characters fighting together one last time? nobody talked about them at all? come on guys

the beginning with the convention was just really unnecessary and boring

why does nobody seem to care that TUCKER IS MISSING WITH MAINES ARMOR?? it feels like everyone just got brainwashed to forget about all the years they spent being friends

what was the deal with the covid jokes 💀

sarge wouldve never let himself die to a blue

doc just dies offscreen and its only vaguely mentioned at the very end and just happened out of nowhere, almost as an excuse for wash to not be present during everything with the meta?

where the hell has carolina been? she was never mentioned once until she showed up at the end

why why WHY did GRIF LEAVE??? i know season 15 was retconned, but the fact that he CARES ABOUT HIS FRIENDS and doesnt actually want to leave them unlike what he says shouldnt have just been forgotten about. AND SIMMONS JUST DOESNT WANNA GO TO EARTH TO VISIT? HELLO THIS IS NOT THE SAME GRIF AND SIMMONS WE'VE BEEN WITH ALL THESE YEARS. wheres that tweet saying "found family separating after the journey is bs" cause thats how i feel about that. 21 years spent building up these amazing relationships between these amazing characters just for them to seemingly not give a shit about each other?? is simmons just alone in blood gulch with tucker and caboose now?? 💀💀💀

i understand because he was the meta, tucker didnt have control, but it was still unfortunate to barely have any tucker this season

i understand that the meta was a threat to everybodys lives, but it feels like everyone was just ok with killing tucker to be able to kill the meta. it wouldve been so much better and angstier if they were having difficulties with it because thats their friend

why did one have to show up. i dont really have anything personal against her as a character or anything but i wouldve really preferred any and all things related to zero to just be wiped off the face of the planet

the music was just terrible. really unfortunate they wouldnt have trocadero return :( it felt so unnerving having this weird stock music playing whenever people were just standing and talking. throughout all of rvb, 99% of the standing talking scenes never had any music so this was so bizarre

some animated scenes looked really off, idk if it was just me

one personal gripe i have that doesnt actually really matter that much to the overall season, but it really bothered me, is that that IS NOT HOW THE BUBBLE SHIELD WORKS!!! i think technically we've never actually seen the bubble shield be entered or exited on screen so i guess you could argue that it works differently from how they work in halo? idk still bothered me

this season in general just felt like an AU?? even 15 through 17 felt more real as seasons of rvb than this did, and i HATED season 16, so thats saying something

and of course, grimmons. big congrats to RT for the longest queerbaited couple in i think tv show history. this one really pisses me off the most because just. how. theres a difference between a queer ship existing because people like it, and a queer ship existing because there was actual subtext and clues and their relationship is written so perfectly and its been around for so long that so many queer people came to really love and identify with it in spite of how shitty they were treated. idc, grimmons is canon in all of our hearts, fuck that

a great point from mod janae: the whole point of rvb, which aiden price even talks about, is that they come together as friends/family and even though they individually suck, together they can do anything, and a better ending wouldve been not to bring back tex carolina or even wash but to have gotten all the reds and blues back together to stop the meta. it was never about being the strongest but about working together

in general, i did not like the season. it had a few things i liked, but obviously the cons outweigh the pros here and so overall, i hated it. i mightve hated it even more than season 16 which is insane because ill fight tooth and nail for why season 16 is such a catastrophe. really disappointing that this is how rvb ends. i wouldve much preferred a cheesy "friendship defeats the bad guy and saves the day" ending because that IS what rvb is to a degree. anyways i understand how GOT fans feel now

[sailinginstars]

‼️ TBB SEASON FINALE SPOILERS ‼️

man

oh my GODDDDD im actually crying and screaming they did so good😭😭

i. just. wow. ok so.😭 FIRST so glad people were right about this being an hour long episode theres genuinely no way it could’ve been 25 mins. seeing omega already having escaped before anyone could reach her was awesome shes so skilled love her. AND ECHO AND EMERIE WORKING TOGETHER i love them they’ve both been brainwashed by the opposite side and seeing them fight for a better future for everyone else is so touching.

SO SURPRISED NO ONE DIES THANK GODDDD

ANYWAYS OMEGA RELEASED THE ZILLO BEAST WOOOOOO‼️‼️ ECHO SAYING THATS WHAT HE WOULDVE DONE!!! echo is literally her mom im crying😭 erm the really long ladder the kids had to climb up was a mgs3 reference guys☝️ ANYWAYS THE TORTURE SCENE HELLO 🙏🙏 i love men screaming 🫶

UGHHHH NALA SE I KNEW YOU WERE NEVER EVIL. she was so real for taking out rampart with her MAN FUCK RAMPART i kinda thought he changed lmao😭

GRRR OK SO THE FIGHG BETWEEN ECHO AND WRECKER VS THE TWO TROOPER LORRRRD, i was literally on the edge of my fucking seat the whole time i thought they were COOKED so many times. OH also crosshair loosing a hand OH MY GOD???

the bridge scene. GODDDDDD like i KNEW hemlock wasnt going to shoot omega but i was still so scared. AND CROSSHAIR MADE THE SHOT WOOOOO. scorch tho😭😭 so sad to see him go🙏 BUT THEY KILLED HEMLOCK HELL YEA‼️‼️ uhm also hunter with his hair wet⁉️⁉️

ANYWAYSSSS everyone made it home safe (well mot crosshairs’s hand but oh well, now him and echo match) nice to see clones looking sorta domestic and not in a war setting lmao. and like i get why echo is leaving but😒 MAMA ECHO PLEASE STOP LEAVING OH MY GOD JUST STAY ON SCREEN IM BEGGING YOU. reallllly hope we get some kinda show about him, rex, wolffe, and gregor and the whole clone rebellion thing PLEASE WHAT HAPPENED WITH WOLFFE⁉️

sobbbbb hunter, cross, wrecker, omega, and batcher just resting im tearing up. they literally just get to be family now im so happy

now the last few minutes…

I SCREAMEDDDD WE WERE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE TIMESKIP IM SOOOKK GRATEFUL tbh i did get nervous seeing the panover pabu but as SOON as i saw omega ik what was happening 😭😭 OLD MAN HUNTER IM SCREAMING HE LOOKS SO GOOD (he also looks strangely like blackbeard from ofmd lmao) he def has dad bod ill die on that hill😭 they both looks so happy and domestic i cant OMEGA GOING OFF TO FIGHT IN THE REBELLION I CANTTT shes def going to see hera again thats so sweet. ughhhh hunter worrying over her hes such a dad GOD. but anyways this moment was so sweet, been missing the hunter-omega relationship this season so this had me tearing up and shi😭

TECHS GOGGLES ON THE SHIP… i knew tech wasnt gonna come back, it would’ve taken away from his sacrifice but i would’ve loved to see him again. lowkey surprised we didn’t get a cx-2 reveal, people thought he was tech, cody, a clone specifically of crosshair, dogma, fucking slick. (real ones know cx-2 is actually fives hes not dead guys TRUST!!11!!1111!!11!!)

anyways god that was such a satisfying ending and im VERY pleased, crazy how this season had NO bad ep. incredibly sad this show is over tho. this show has been on my mind constantly for the past three years im so sad to see it go but im also see happy we got to see these characters lives play out in such a beautiful way. sorry for this being essay length i just had a LOT of thoughts about this ep.

for the last time, anywaysss. (also this is not proofread sorry for any grammatical errors lol) this ep was amazing and the team did WONDERFULLY!! good bye bad batch😢

[ashortstoryaboutlove]

2023 Drama Year in Review

I watched 21 Kdramas released in 2023. I am relatively new to this—I watched Extraordinary Attorney Woo last fall, then started watching things Netflix suggested in the new year, then started finding things on other platforms and wow! In total I watched 83 Kdramas this year 👀 (I also watched 17 Cdramas and 8 Jdramas this year). A lot of this was over the summer but yeah it’s a lot. Putting my list of favorites below the cut:

My favorites released in 2023:

Daily Dose of Sunshine was a hard watch but so relatable for someone like me who has struggled with depression in the past. This one has stuck with me for a while. Sad but hopeful.

Moving is one of the few I’ve recommended to people irl. My brother is a fan of Marvel & DC stuff and I know he’d enjoy it. It’s one of the best superhero series I’ve seen.

Tale of the Nine Tailed 1938 was a riot! I had so much fun watching this one and the wardrobe is A+. Also loved the gumiho bros getting a chance to reunite.

Love to Hate You was also super fun to watch! I watched this twice this year, once alone and once with my oldest kid (18). Love the chaotic bits and the romance was so satisfying!

Call It Love was quietly beautiful. The characters’ struggles made my heart ache and although it had a last minute reunion (I’m not usually fond of those), it was still a moving and steady show that stayed near the top of this year’s list.

My Dearest blew me away! Such a master class in character development and longing! Namkoong Min and Ahn Eun Jin stole the show with their acting but I was fond of the support cast as well. Unfortunately I wasn’t as satisfied with the second half of the series (pacing and double amnesia was meh) but it was still really good and near the top of my list for the year.

Perfect Marriage Revenge was a perfect makjang with what I consider some of the best pacing and romance of anything I watched this year. The villains were fantastically villain-y and the revenge was so, so sweet. Loved it!

D.P. 2 is somewhat different in tone from most of the stuff I watch but sometimes a serious show looking at serious social issues is just what I need. Love the way the characters fight for each other—their little found family dynamic is the best.

Twinkling Watermelon was lovely for the family dynamics—I loved the son getting to know his parents as teens. And I really liked the way deaf characters were a major part of the story as characters with feelings and relationships and not just one-off side characters.

Honorable mention: King the Land for romantic fluff with very little conflict, Moon in the Day for complicated past lives and ghosts and beautiful romance, Vigilante for Nam Joo Hyuk being badass, Castaway Diva for nice music and Chae Jong Hyeop playing an ML who was the greenest of flags.

Other faves I watched this year that were released before 2023:

Crash Landing on You will always near the top of my list. Love that found family.

Mr. Queen made me see that historicals could be fun and omg Shin Hye Sun being the best!

Tomorrow could have been too difficult, but even with the concept of trying to save suicidal people, it gave so much hope. The comfort women episode was so moving. Rowoon was also adorable.

Our Beloved Summer had one of my favorite soundtracks and a lot of heart. The scene where FL watches ML doing his art at the event was sweet.

25 21 was the best sport-related drama with perfect 90s vibes (haha I was a teen in the 90s), sweet friends-to-lovers romance, and a realistic (if disappointing) ending.

Crazy Love was so chaotically funny at the beginning and I loved it. I will never forget the revenge onions.

My Lovely Sam Soon was the oldest show I watched (2005) and I just adored Sam Soon. ML wasn’t my favorite but I can overlook that bc she stole the show for me.

My fave Cdramas I watched this year: Meet Yourself, Put Your Head on My Shoulder, Love Between Fairy and Devil, Love Like the Galaxy

Favorite Jdramas watched this year: On a Starry Night and First Love: Hatsukoi

Currently watching and enjoying: Tell Me That You Love Me (this will prob be at the top of my list next year if it doesn’t fall apart before it ends in January), Welcome to Samdal-ri, Like Flowers in Sand

Looking forward to what 2024 has to offer!

[destinyc1020]

How was “The Banshees of Inisherin” ?

Ummm.... Beautiful Irish landscapes.... 👀

I started watching the movie last night, but then started falling asleep lol, so I had to finish the movie this morning.

Chiiiiillle..... I can't believe they made a whole 2-hour movie about two friends who had a falling out for the most mundane of reasons. 😏

25 mins into the movie and we STILL don't know why the old man is mad at Colin's character. 😒 When we finally figure out why the man is so upset and doesn't want to be friends with Colin anymore, you're sitting there looking like....

By the first hour I really wanted Colin to just leave that crazy man the feck alone lol 😆 😂

When a man is actually cutting off his OWN FINGERS because you keep bothering him when he's already asked you multiple times to leave him ALONE, it's time to just give up on that friendship and abide by the man's wishes imo. 👀

Towards the end of the movie, Colin's character almost became a stalker! 🥴 Shoot....I would have left that former friend alone long time ago. You don't have to tell me twice. 👀

To me, they BOTH were crazy! 🤣

This movie wasn't as traumatic as "The Whale", thank goodness. But I can't believe it's nominated for "Best Picture"? 🥴

While Colin's acting was good, I definitely don't think it's anywhere near as good as Brendan's or even Austin's as far as that matter. Jmho 🤷🏾‍♀️

I've seen Colin do much better Academy Award nominating work.... Shoot.... his acting was even more remarkable in "The Batman" (imo), but of course, he wouldn't be nominated for THAT because of the comic book genre of the film. 😏

In fact, I'm actually surprised they decided to nominate Angela Bassett for Best Supporting Actress in "Black Panther: Wakanda Forever" (even though her acting was amazing in it) because the Academy usually doesn't nominate comic book films/comic book acting jobs.

They REALLY should have nominated Voila Davis as well for "The Woman King" for Best Actress. I will go to my grave saying that. 😤

Anyway, it wasn't a bad film, but it was just one of those obscure "Academy-friendly" films where you're like...."Okay, the Academy just wants to nominate these types of films I guess lol". 😏

I saw MUCH better "commercialized"/"blockbuster" films last year that I actually enjoyed lol 😆 Just my humble opinion lol.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind indie films, or "Academy Award-friendly" films at all (I loved "The Father", enjoyed "The Fabelmans", and even saw the msg and beauty in "Nomadland"). I just wasn't that impressed with this one (for an Oscar-nominated film), but it wasn't a bad movie.

[apexart-journal]

Mvelo Mahlangu in NYC, Day 17

I woke up early this morning at about 4:30am for the Megabus to leave NYC for DC at 7am. I had timed myself in such a way that I would arrive at least 25 min before departure time (the Megabus suggests 15 minutes), which was ample time. However, as I got to the subway, I realised my card needed to be filled up again for the week so that I could enter the subway. In that short 1-2 minutes, I ended up missing my N train out, which lead me going into full panic mode. The Mega Bus was only 16 minutes away via car, but 25 minutes via the next train with a couple minutes. This meant that the next train would see that I end up arriving at the Megabus 5 minutes before departure. I couldn’t let that happen, but I had no choice as Uber had a waiting time which I couldn’t risk, another train was on its way and the Lyft app was also not an option because it couldn’t work on both my phone and fellowship phone. I even consulted with an NYPD officer, who must’ve thought I was a little crazy in my panic state. I tried breathing to calm myself down and made the split second decision to just hop onto the next train and sprint as soon as I got to my last stop. Thankfully the train was slightly faster than usual, and as soon as I got to my last stop, I ran so fast. I ran up the escalators at 34 Herald square station and let me say, it was a nightmare because the escalators at that specific station seem endless. As I exited the station a kind stranger, who I think could’ve been homeless, saw that I was running and asked me where I needed to be and then quickly pointed me in the right direction to the bus which I could see in the distance. What a moment I will be so grateful for. I ran down the road, and made it to the bus, and when I got there another delayed passenger and bus manager laughed at how out of breath I was. He asked me  if I had ever missed a flight before, hence the frantic running. Which I laughed and replied that I never have, and plan not to. I sat down into my seat, looked at the time. I made it 8 minutes before departure time. A word of advice, just plan to arrive 30-45 minutes before departure because you never know what could happen, even if it is suggested to arrive 15 minutes before departure. We ended up waiting 10 minutes after the initial departure time. 

The bus ride was slightly long but comfortable as no one was sitting next to me, meaning I could sit with both legs up. It was lovely being able to leave the skyscrapers and watch them melt away into trees. Usually on the highway back home, when you drive away from the city, all you end ups seeing are flat planes of grass and bush which we call “veldt” (pronounced ‘felt’). So seeing forests or rows of trees was interesting. I worked a bit on updating my journal, and then ended up taking a nap for about 2 hours. Casey was already waiting for me once we arrived, and gave a warm and welcoming hug. He told me that I was most probably the 100th fellow he’s met over the years, and that I could’ve been the youngest so far. This surprised me, as it was not something I noticed when looking through the past fellows (mental note to ask on this). Union station was so beautifully built, with a large dome overhead, decorated with gold square panelling. Casey shared a nostalgic memory of randomly meeting and having been greeted by the president George W. Bush at the station. Exiting the station and seeing Washington DC was such a huge contrast to New York. No tall skyscrapers and definitely a whole lot more quiet. And I welcomed it. Casey and I walked around for a bit, him showing some of his old haunts, while looking for a good place to sit and eat. It gave me time to soak up the environment which I must say was quiet, quaint and very suburban energy. We found a place to sit at and chatted away while eating. Amongst other things, we shared backgrounds, spoke on the fellowship, his personal experience of it, and his relationship to apexart & Steven which spans almost 20 years! 

We then headed over to Library of Congress. This was my first time being in the passenger seat of a left hand side driving car and it was such a weird experience, haha! The first mistake I made was instinctively going to the drivers side door, thinking it was the passenger side. The next was internally questioning why Casey would drive into the lane he’s was turning into, only to remember that where I was. Walking into the Library of congress was insane! The architecture immediately transported me out of America and into Europe. It was absolutely ostentatious with sculptures everywhere and beautiful wall murals & mosaics of mythology. Casey explained that this level of ostentation was a compensation for the superiority complex that America against Europe at the time. We made it to the actual library area, and it was quite a sight. Ive never seen something like this in my life and felt like out of a movie. The architectural detailing when looking at the dome in the middle but also the interaction of all the art & carvings was unreal. A lot of the mural writings and references seemed extremely progressive for a structure built in the 1800’s considering the documentation of cultures & religions from across the world. Casey gave me a tour of the whole place and even took me to other parts of the building that tourists did not go to, as he spent almost 20 years of his life frequenting these buildings while working on his PHD, so knew his way around. The wealth of knowledge that I was surrounded by, all in one place, from various era’s & timelines & places, was quite overwhelming. It was a lovely experience nonetheless, however at this point I had quite a headache. We finished our tour of The Library of Congress and headed to the Hotel. Casey waited before leaving to make sure that everything was alright with my check in. I can’t thank him enough for sharing his experiences with me and our conversations, which like Vanessa, made me a little sad knowing it would be the first and last time meeting up, until the future allows another meeting. 

I checked into the hotel, rested, then prepped myself for the last activity of the day: Classical music concert. Unlike NYC, and more like Johannesburg, DC has a simple subway system. The Concert was happening all the way in Mary Land, and I was initially a bit worried about how i’d get to and from. But using the train and bus, I made it. Awkwardly for me, in this instance, I made it 30 minutes before the start of the event. Even more awkward and confusing was that I realised it was happening in someone's private home, in a residential neighbourhood. Awkward then turned into worried because I didn’t know if I should ring the door bell, or just wait outside at a nearby park. But then I got scared because I got worried that someone might call the police on me, seeing me randomly roam the streets at night. I think in that moment for the first time being in the States, I became acutely aware of what I look like, how I could be perceived, and just the stories I’ve seen online. After 5 Minutes of waiting around, I worked up the courage to ring the door bell. The owner looked slightly confused even after I explained why I was there, which didn’t ease my feelings of awkwardness. Once he let me in, I was greeted by the performers, a young lady and young man, and proceeded to sit and wait in the performance room. Placing my feelings aside, I must say, to have a performance room that can accommodate 30 people, with soundproofing and a whole grand piano was unreal. Thats a dream! I still felt quite uneasy and still hyperaware, but people started arriving and filling up the seats. As they greeted each other, I realised that even though this event was posted onto eventbrite, almost everyone in the audience were just neighbours and friends of the homeowner. So in that moment I understood the slight confusion or surprise he must’ve had when seeing me.

Once the performance began, and the music filled my ears, a lot off what I felt melted away. In that moment I remember thinking to myself how music works so well at being a universal language that people from different backgrounds, who don’t even know each other, can just feel so connected through it. The young female performer was the lead, and played the violin. I couldn’t believe that she was just 13 years old. The question of nature vs. nurture comes up. Once the performance was over, I made my way back to the hotel. I was exhausted, hungry and cold. 

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary163

2/24-25/2024

saturday - sunday

heard three gunshots just now.

i'm not like freaked out or whatever but i always wonder what's going on with that. i wonder i guess if it's the armed security around all the apartment complexes around here, sounds too far to be ours but near enough to be like, around here. like why do you need to fire 3 times. idk. i just feel like i guess if you're shooting a gun 3 times you're definitely trying to kill somebody, i hope nobody is being killed, especially by random security people. or maybe there doesn't need to be an especially. it's grotesque i guess to act like any death would be better, it's just a travesty in the first place that people think the security is necessary, that is an awful part stuck to all this. i think i'll basically be fine as long as i'm not wandering around at 2 am and stuff, obviously. it's most likely, i guess, just people shooting guns to shoot guns, so it's not a big deal i suppose. it's interesting, i've always been near-ish gunshots basically, but the frequency was like, a couple times a month, it wasn't uncommon but it also wasn't like, crazy, there were a few times where stuff ramped up and i'd see things like shells on my way to the school bus or to college but that didn't really phase me, i guess because more of a picture appeared by morning when i was out walking, i'd see the police cars out there, i knew who was shooting at who basically so it wasn't like, a question of why/what, and when it was at its normal rate, it just wasn't especially interesting i guess, there was more distance + it really did seem like that'd be the rate at which people just shoot randomly. like, oh, i wanna shoot my gun into the air lol, and then they go back inside. since it's closer it just punctuates more i guess, i mean it does that crazy thing where like, there's a vacuum of sound in the echo, it's not so close that it like, actually sounds like 0/nothing, but the echo carries that shape, if you know what i mean. it's also probably because i'm tired from work and stuff, my head hurts, i worked too long today, i wasn't even supposed to i just had to. it doesn't matter though, i am home now. but it's hard to go and work on music rn. i am soo tired and i only ate when i got home today, i woke up at like, 11:30-ish, and i got home and ate at about 10:40, so that's like 11 hours and ten mins of not eating (i worked from 4:30 to 10:16ish). it's kind of good i guess, to me, idk, maybe that's bad or whatever but it's not too bad to me, to not eat a lot, idk, it feels useful, like idk, i do just want to stay skinny. idk. i do eat so it's not like, very bad, it's just intermittent fasting or whatever, honest (not cope i swear not coping (lol)), it's not like that every day, i just use work to do that sometimes, esp since i need to pay to eat there and the food looks disgusting basically. it's like, idk, i kind of like going long without things. i guess it's because of being raised catholic or whatever, you get this thing where you get off on withholding things from yourself and suffering, taking on suffering, that kind of thing.

listening to the problem song now, i am certain that there's something in the low-end that needs to be eq-ed out, this weird resonance, it might be something super specific i need to eq out, if it is, that's good, i thinkk.

anyway i am really tired, i am just sitting here listening to combatwoundedveteran and feeling tired, they really made perfect music, for a certain sort of person. even if my head hurts i can listen to this shit. i just like it that much.

oh, one last thing, about reading, i've gotten to the part of cybernetic hypothesis that's about ways/methods/lines of flight (as the book puts it) that open up possibility, essentially guerilla methods, one hand is the taking pleasure in desire perversely, and then shutting one self up, volunteering nothing, they reference bartleby here with "i would prefer not to," that kind of oscillating, as well as actual references to what wider/more materially aggressive sorts of tactics might be. this kind of all coalescing around the idea that basically many cybernetic apparatuses are geared to, at extremes, manage panic, and so, panic being the nightmare of cybernetic organizing/management, we ought to open ourselves up to panic/fear in some way. i would like to articulate that better/how i read it better, but i'm just so tired. it's hard. but essentially it recalls bataille to me (who they criticize at points in the book (rightfully, as much as i love him, he is wrong in certain ways (even baudrillard has gone here and it's very fascinating))), anyway, it recalls the necessity of horror, or the experience of horror, not even necessarily in its attachment to sacrifice (which is one thing specifically criticized, the idea that sacrifice could/would be this thing that could deliver us/provide an escape from capitalism, this fantasy of pre-capital return, basically (here too is where baudrillard saw issue with bataille)), but horror as an opening up to, sensation of everything, where you absorb so much, you are sent elsewhere, you are taken out of yourself, as the book puts it, the crowd disintegrates in the crowd, we all horrified, we do not withdraw, but we exit, we exit ourselves, and then we exit sociality. here is a convergence with the carnivalesque, where the obscene and grotesque is held at such length to perturb and captivate, a stage where one might engage perversely, and then to shut up, a silence which will not tell on itself, only absorbing or even discarding everything but the intensities surrounding oneself. this is an oscillation, necessarily, sticking oneself to an oscillation of this nature means, among other things, productivity in the regular sense would be impossible, at least in terms of appraisal by our managers/meter/measures.

(there is a level where i wonder about a critique of tiqqun here, i suppose, or maybe a defense from a critique that would accuse them of being squarely reactionary here (i cannot parse what i think, but my sense that what they seek is aligned more w/ the carnivalesque and grotesque (and asking one to not turn away but embrace these rather than to embrace what wipes these away/would seek to absorb the signs/symbols of these things back into itself as defanged and speaking regularly, normalizing in a way so as to force it into discourse w/ the normal/using cybernetic apparatuses of agitation to coax these things into some kind of guilty conscience, shame, whatever) i do not think they are reactionary) i suppose i have come across my answer to this problem here in this aside, already, or at least some of the answer. i am not sure.)

another thing, i guess, is reaching this point, i see why a friend didn't like it, but i think accusing this book of being neo-luddite theory is squarely wrong + idk, she is honestly quite obsessed w/ efficiency as it is laid out in the cybernetic sense. i do like her, but her aspiration is to be a manager, in some way, a manager of flows, thought, and so on. she wants to direct. i suppose one could accuse her of desiring being an apparatus, but i don't think it's squarely true, i think she wants to want to be, is ashamed and ashamed of being ashamed of it, it's a complex, basically, i suppose.

anyway i also read this:

this was quite good, it's hard to articulate my thoughts/what it says, so i will instead talk about what i would like to absorb from it, where its end is quite strong and everything, and leaves much to think over, i think many of the historical insights it offers are the meat, or i guess they obviously are, but they can be approached from so many angles, reused, essentially he puts valuable information there, i hope to remember it. i'm not sure why this is sticking to me, this thought about what i want to learn, it's good i think, but it's also i guess kind of neurotic. i fear, very often, that i am really quite stupid. i would like to not be, i think this is just part of that. anyway, i am very glad will's writing/thinking is something i've been exposed to recently, because he is bringing me back to foucault, who i'd read in the past and learned much from, and now there is more to learn. it's just nice to be reunited i suppose, with the man.

so now i really do have to sleep, sso

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[poetka]

Day 2 of having a very good day for no reason... should I be scared?

Had a pretty similar workday compared to yesterday, worked on my thesis the whole day (finished polishing the introduction according to the feedback I got and updated some diagrams). Notably my team took a full hour for breakfast which is kinda crazy but okay 🤷‍♀️ (The new oats I bought taste kinda weird btw. I wish I'd gone to a Polish store and bought some good ones or maybe płatki orkiszowe or żytnie.) I went home late anyway because I wanted to finish numbering the references for the intro. Had that ⅔ of a burger and the few fries that were left for lunch plus a tasty albeit not the freshest salad. Also rediscovered that some articles in Polityka have audio recording versions so listened to those while having mindless moments at work.

Right after coming home made a nice Asian fusion (?) soup from leftover veggies. Added ginger, chillies, soy sauce and oyster sauce along with carrots, leek, cabbage, onion, garlic, regular herbs and spices, and when the broth was ready, took out everything and added some peanut butter and leftover coconut milk. Got too hungry to wait so I ate a hummus + radish sandwich. Fried an omelette and also fried the carrots and cabbage from the broth with some soy sauce to add to the soup when serving. Cooked three types of noodles: egg, rice, and wheat. All this while catching up on some chill youtube vlogs/commentary. Then I realised it was already 7pm and I had spent the last 2 hours in the kitchen.

Went upstairs to finish downloading the last few episodes of CQL that had an error before. Realised the last 6 eps downloaded without subs and redownloaded them. The laptop was working really slowly so cleaned it up a bit afterwards.

Had a nice 25 mins of pilates / stretching which made me feel really relaxed - need to this every day forrrreal. Took a shower but decided to skip washing my hair and just hoped for the best when applying dry shampoo.

Anyway the thing is, what I really mean (🎶👩‍🎤) is that I feel a bit guilty about my day going so smoothly when I know my friend who is in a similar situation but worse (barely started the thesis) is having a bad day every day. I don't want to say that I'm doing well so I'm just not mentioning that at all and looking for things that I can complain about too. But then am I making it about myself if they just want a listener? It's a nightmare. But my day was still really good even though the weather was bad today and I can't explain this mood with yesterday's lovely weather. Honestly haven't felt this way in like. I can't even remember when was the last time? And I'm overall in probably the most stressful moment of my life?? I'm kinda scared that flying this high will end up in a bad crash.

[ididkn0w]

So like basically fuck I’m sorry I just need to tell u I love you again and that I’m craving you I’d love to be under the covers forcing ourselves to be touching every inch of our bodies with the other and my face on ur chest. So basically I left and like I slept the entire entire flight bro there’s nothing to it😭 I did wake up once and it’s bc they were giving food and it was nasty ass fucking scrambled egg. Girl u alr know me I will never eat that fuckin airplane scrambled eggs no hotel fucjing scrambled eggs in the buffet. No. Only Waffle House scrambled CHEESY eggs duh. And obviously they taste better if they come from ur mouth. I miss you. So I ate like two fucking miniature ass mushrooms. Yes Ik u fucking hate mushrooms. And also that like one piece of fucking bread that always comes with it. And then I went back to sleep and then I woke up n we had to get off n I was still so tired so I was grumpy as fuck also bc we had to run to get a ducking visa and then thru ghe passport shit but bro u alr know how the airports are here in like Europe like those big cities. I mean u know, fucking London one is crazy as fuck. Btw I need London recommendations or whatever or smth ud want from there that u miss idk. So then like I was sweating and we got our bag which once again so fucking far away and then we got out and got an Uber and like he was kinda weird bc he stopped at a gas station and made us wait like 5 min like wtf ok. And you also know how it is here they go like 110 on the highway and it’s normal and then we got to the hotel and my mom was like could we pay u and u stay here while we leave our bags bc basically we had a “cruise” tour but it’s rlly just like 20-25 ppl on like a small lil like yacht? Like my boat but two stories kinda type thing nah idk why I compared my boat cus it’s not like huge like no kitchen or shit but it had like a good space like the inside of my boat? But two stories of that. So that was at 6 and we got to like the city at like 5:30 and so he ended up being rlly nice and he took us to the hotel by foot bc we were lost and the receptionist didn’t speak English so he would translate for us and even took the bag with him. And the hotel is like a local one not like a Marriott or smth so that’s why. And so then he took us to the port and we met with my family I think I didn’t mention this to u but yk it’s just me and my mom and it’s more of a work trip and so my grandma and grampa and my uncle and his wife obv like my grandpa owns the company and my mom and my uncle which is her brother are important in it duh. And so yk when we went to Vegas like it was that fair? Like the only reason I went to Vegas and also with my family for this. So they have a competitor in the like industry and they’re from turkey and they invited us to come here and to give us a tour of their factory and like yeah so they’re competition but they like get along like good like neither of them care like it’s silly? Ig to them idk like it’s not like that is what I’m saying. So back to what I was saying we got to the boat thing and before I got on I was starving so I got some like street food and btw I think like Arabic food in all I’d my favorite like that’s why I ate Lebanese yesterday. I took pics of all of this btw bc I rlly want to show u ab my day bc I love you duh ur my best friend. So then I ate that and got on the boat and like I went to sleep😭 it was 2 and a half hours n I was awake for the last half an hour and bro my body hurts so fucking much from yesterday bc I was in heels like even my toes hurt my legs are in so much pain. So we finished and bro these mofos decided to take us walking to the hotel and they were constantly stopping and shit and I was low key mas cus like wtf bro I was just on an 11 hour flight I have my fucking backpack on with my purse my makeup bag my computer and headphones all that shit and like in the same fucking outfit bro I’m tired. Btw I got a cup I didn’t take a pic fuck but I’ll show u tomorrow so yeah we walked like for a good fucking hour to the hotel and yeah that was it I’ll

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

14 fe bru ar y 2023 Sdsy autocorrect being weird: SDSU stay.. was trying 2 type Tuesday 12:24 am pdt

they never mean anything they say unless it has to do with dying. Killing me. I anticipate dying pain abdomen stomachache? Piercing pain 12:25 am pdt see? I can’t though Bcz you’re not here.

A classmate of mine decided to collect people’s cell phones 📱 & put them up on a wall as a social experiment contest. Prize was a new phone 📱 if the last one. I have (1:18 am pdt gave) her mine for 2-3 days. I did not win. Then after I graduated 2009, she went on a camping ⛺️ trip & died in a car accident. She was a philosophy & art practice major. 12:29 am pdt

12:30 am pdt in Kroeber hall I think it was I was walking 🚶🏿‍♀️ through the halls & a guy who I didn’t see his face did a weird pivot in front of me, & I thought It was strange. Someone seemed to call (heart pain 12:32 am pdt heart ♥️) out to that guy “Amar!” Autocorrect: Brendan I A... ok. Amar is a familiar name to me. I hung out with someone named Amar. But I didn’t know this Amar. 12:34 am pdt so it caught my attention, too. 12:35 am pdt (#3 feels 12:35 am pdt & hot 🥵) if you recall, Amar Malik helped write ✍️ Stereo Hearts ♥️ so there’s that, too. Lots of coincidences. 12:37 am pdt

≈12:23 am pdt incubus was burning my back & pulling apart my hip bones 🦴😖😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭12:38 am pdt

12:39 am pdt I also found online in 2017 that Amar Malik reviewed cell phones 📱. A weird thing I also found on Wikipedia ≈2013/2014 forget when that he was originally a computer programming major. At Virginia tech? 12:41 am pdt some weird stuff was going on with my MacBook’s WiFi... weird. Also ≈2015/2016 I looked inside that laptop 👩🏻‍💻 & found some wet silver stuff... I don’t know where this wet silver stuff is coming from. I bought the laptop in 2007 & this was not a part of the laptop 👩🏻‍💻 that I usually looked at. 12:43 am pdt

going back to university... there was a day everyone’s projects were playing & on display & it’s near the end of the semester, in the gallery open to public. A tall thin brown skin young man was next to me wearing a bright red T-shirt. 12:45 am pdt

12:46 am pdt the lights of the room I think is off, w/ natural light 💡 filtering in through the hallway windows 🪟???? Right shin pain 😖😭😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵 12:47 am pdt my dvd 📀 of my project was playing & near the end I’m screaming in it & made a hole in the wall w/ a chair 🪑. The guy standing next to me yells out “she’s crazy! She’s really crazy!” & I almost say to him “I’m right here” but I don’t. I didn’t have enough confidence? To talk to this stranger? Often also I don’t feel like I can speak 🗣. 12:50 am pdt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if this guy is the same guy who pivoted in front of me at that other moment. I think I sometimes don’t have a very good visual face memory? 12:51 am pdt

beats 🎧 audio head phones are also (weird farting I don’t like 😩😖😭head right side temple stabbed pain 12:53 am pdt) I think incubus is going to kill me afterthis. In music video maroon 5 give a little more. 12:54 am pdt Steve LaMar & Steve LaMar 2 different guys? 12:55 am pdt Sierra LaMar’s dad.

1:18 am pdt I don’t like the way this is going with incubus I really don’t trust them. He’s going to tear me apart. I’m going to not have legs 🦵 soon. 1:19 am pdt or I will be dead soon. I’d rather die than live with out legs 🦵. I’ve been through enough misery/agony. 1:20 am pdt

6:59 am pdt diarrhea feeling when I wake up 🆙 a few mins ago. They really destroyed too much of my brain 🧠 it’s giving me anxiety.

7 am pdt I don’t see a happey ending. They really told me so. I am losing the ability to keep reality & emotions straight? Logic - ability to hold onto it? One thought 💭. They came clean to me, that everything is a manipulation tactic. 7:03 am pdt I’m guessing from now on they cannot hold onto the lie. Bcz they are probably going full force on killing me.

7:04 am pdt they had folded pages pages of my dictionary to tell me that I was going to be extremely damaged to win at near the end of last year - the fight to improve society - a martyr but I guess that should have been my hint that they’re lying 🤥 about being my husband & children 👶. They all manipulated me w/ showing me tears & puffy eyes 👀 as if they don’t have control over how damaged I become. They beat me up. If I ever point out something. 7:07 am pdt they are destroying me. 8 billion is a lot. Why keeps going up? They have capabilities to support a bigger population but they don’t want a bigger population. How many stars ⭐️ are there in the universie? Are we really alone in the universe? 7:09 am pdt

7:25 am pdt the question 🙋🏻‍♀️ is I guess as a beast w/ the head injury 🤕 who healed ??? Coming from the oven ocean 🌊.............. are you going to stand alone hidden in agony or out in the open for everyone to see so that you can really see that god is a liar 🤥 w/ no intentions of making society better????

ANYONE who doesn’t help me, will be considered GUILTY of supporting human (pain. ! Brain 🧠 inside ow!) s*x trafficking. If Amar Malik & whoever knew him to be at UC Berkeley December 2008 doesn’t come forward & anyone who knows the voice did not originate in Holland doesn’t come forward. You will all be speculated to be guilty of supporting human s*x trafficking. Beats audio head set is alink. 7:30 am pdt & so am I. If you don’t come out with the truth, you will not be set free. You can do what the devil incubus wants or you can make this easy. 7:31 am pdt 7:32 am pdt

would you rather go down swinging alone or out in the open so we can show the world 🌎 what a liar god is? 7:32 am pdt

Joe, you need to stop hiding from. Me. 7:33 am pdt I believe you told Simon cowbell something & that’s why he’s like that now. L

7:43 am pdt 7:44 am pdt that includes you Instagram stop 🛑 suspending my account you’re hiding evidence from everyone. 7:44 am pdt

7:45 am pdt I saw on YouTube that heather hamptons real last name is heather lean ≈2013. Same last name as “Brendan” isieone98i@aol.com 7:46 am pdt linked to the link

7:55 am pdt incubus will kill when he wants. Simon barely said a thing & he destroyed him. He was standing alone at the time? 7:55 am pdt

7:58 am pdt my head is burning 🔥 I guess no one will help me. So the world 🌎 will be always the same. I will be gone. But every one who could have spoken up 🆙 will most likely die too after I’m gone/dead. 8 am pdt

8:44 we can go down swinging punches tiger tiger together in public or die alone. 8:45 am pdt

8:46 am pdt I guess only

robots 🤖 are reading 📖 my tumblr 8:47 am pdt

9:44 am pdt guess I am crazy . No one’s going to help. No one cares. Everybody likes human trafficking. “Porn makes the world go round.” - incubus. Porn = s*x human trafficking? A component of? 🤔9:46 am pdt

guess we are really doomed to continue on like this forever. 9:48 am pdt I didn’t realize that we would be after all the brain 🧠 washing last year. Have to readjust again to the idea 💡 of a tortured painful life & death ☠️ again. Up 🆙 down up 🆙 down roller coaster 🎢 9:51 am pdt unfortunately.

tick tock autocorrect: tock to kill. 9:54 am pdt death ☠️ is enevitable. You think incubus is going to keep you? He’s interested in very young woman 👩🏻 for s*x only. That’s why he cheats. He likes them naïve. 9:56 am pdt

9:57 am pdt if you like old duck 🦆 d*ck 🍆who will dispose of you easy... 9:58 am pdt

probably only today I have left to live. 10:05 am pdt the way it’s going. After today it will probably no longer be possible to change anything. 10:06 am pdt time will be up. Written in stone. 10:07 am pdt

10:08 am pdt Scott once went w/ a bunch of his friends to the science 🧬 academy museum place? W/o his best friend J. J. Was so mad they went w/o him & (10:12 am pdt he was working), including J’s girlfriend who I think he recently married. They all took a picture together, w/ J’s girlfriend standing in front of Scott. What a great best friend. Forced nicolatian? Possibly. Not sure. Speculation. But maybe worth thinking about & keeping it in your memory. Own idea 💡 alluding to what the future holds & the present. 🎁 brain 🧠 acid & sandpaper pain. Scott I think 🤔 might have taken another young woman 👩🏼W/ them. I think her name was joanna something like Dunham? I forget. 10:14 am pdt my bRain 🧠- probably a bad omen. The accidental spelling. I guess a lot of guys like that sort of nicolatiam stuff including incubus Bcz it looks like he’s threatening me w/acid in my brain 🧠 again w/ accidental spelling w/ R capitalized = acid Rain 🌧 in brain 🧠😞 10:17 am pdt

I forget the name of the place probably San Francisco 10:17 am pdt I guess incubus thinks it is love to tell a middle age man to rape an 11 year old girl 👧. That’s incubus love. Never ending story. 10:19 am pdt

10:23 am pdt maybe in other situations it would b ok if you don’t already have a partial commitment to someone that’s meant as a trial run to marriage if it was a group date, but he’s king 🤴 david w/ a lot of power. Can’t say no in the land of nod. 10:23 am pdt helicopter 🚁 passing by. 10:25 am pdt

Americas funniest home videos

Scott’s mural at a pizza 🍕 place

fuze? YouTube video

a clip from will Ferrell animated movie 🎥 in an interview show

I will look 👀 for urL of the fuze. I got ta go I think 💭 11:36 am pdt

11:57 am pdt can’t find it. /watch?v=v60lwuZczSk

might an i or an L not sure this is different that came up 🆙 in search 🔦. 11:59 am pdt coughing difficulty breathing pain skull 💀 brain 🧠 when coughing 12 pmpdt hot 🥵😤🥵😤

about 20 mins ago I started feeling greedy like I want all the money 💰 I’m the world 🌎 I’m greedy I’m greedy I’m greedy I’m greedy I’m greedy I’m greedy I feel wicked & cruel. Why? Bcz I saved money 💰 & didn’t share w/ my aunt & cousin? 😞 I didn’t kick them out. My mom did. I feel guilty though Bcz I gave her a hard time about hand washing, the way the trash was taken out, making a mess won the kitchen floor when they ate. It was a lot I thought I remembered at the time - for a second made me feel wicked about talking about it. That’s what a table and placemat is for. Eat on the table. Don’t let it fall on the floor. I vacuumed literally minutes b4 she came &!started eating then my cousin copied her soon after. At the time my aunt believed I was bad, & my mom sat w/ her in spark (12:15 pmpdt park) to talk to give her a second chance to convince her not to kick her out. I grew up having to be quiet & not interrupt her sleep 🛌. Whenever my mom woke up Bcz of a noise I produced she got very mad at me. My aunt & cousin didn’t seem to try to respect that at the time. My mom made excuses for them at first saying, I should really be up 🆙 at 7 am anyway. We were both in btwn jobs. & I think I was paying for 3/4 ? 2/3? Of the rent at the time. I think I remember admitting to my mom that I should not have been as hard about it to her as I was, that I should not have yelled at her? I think 🤔 I said that. But something really made my mom want to kick 🦵 her out. Was it me? Was it them? Was it something else? 12:14 pmpdt I was extra hard on her Bcz I was afraid to live together. I actually wasn’t comfortable with the idea 💡 but my mom said we had no choice? I should have been not as hard as I was. I think 🤔 though if she didn’t give me a hard time about some things like that I knew better about eating 🍽 the chocolate burnt hard rock cake, therefore it was wrong of me to complain about them being noisy at a time I was trying to catch up on sleep 🛌. Does brain 🧠 damage from getting punched in the top of the head. Does that make you more likely to not be able to control your cravings & eating impulses? 😱😰 🧟‍♀️🧟🧟‍♂️😱😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵🥺 I think I might have had a fear that she was going to walk all over me at some point. Is this unlikely? Unfounded? I should have not complained. They weren’t going to be around everyday. I probably should have just tolerated it. I wasn’t comfortable w/ the idea 💡 of living w/ them though Bcz of myself. Bcz I was too afraid of my past. Bcz I condemned myself. I guess she’s really mad at me for getting kicked out. Maybe if she was not noisy & didn’t intentionally interrupt my mom’s sleep 🛌 maybe we would have stayed together? Maybe my fears would have subsided & eased into the new living arrangement? Maybe? I feel like I am full of it at that thought 💭 but it probably could have worked out if we talked? We lived w/ each other periodically b4 & I did live at least once w/ a roommate in college for a year. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t too difficult. Now I’m starting to feel like I am the problem again. We tried to be friends 😞. I am a problem. I feel wicked & cruel. 12:35 pmpdt

12:36 pmpdt my roommate suggested I live alone the next year. She was learning to be a counselor so I took her advice. She almost transferred out of our dorm but I convinced her to stay. When the year was over? I think she also started to get cold feet 🦶 about adjusting to different roommates. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if that meant that I was an ok roommate that she mayb was thinking she should have been my roommate again or if she wanted to live alone, too. We hung out a few times the next year & I met her new room mates. Autocorrect: knife kill. Behalf (head 12:47 pmpdt) cutting pain 12:42 pmpdt incubus wants me to stay quiet 🤐 on something important regarding someone I ran into @ university. Probably another fake out device that he’s going to claim if I reveal that it’s a form of double crossing even though he very rarely tells me anything. 22:44 12:44 pmpdt I don’t really believe his stories anymore though. 12:45 pmpdt I’m hesitant both ways.

12:51 pmpdt I’m hesitant both ways Bcz he hurt me a lot! 😭😭😭😭😵😵😵😵

1:15 pmpdt I still feel guilty. I feel Ike I’ve been greedy. Too greedy. Bcz of how I felt when I made specific decisions regarding money 💰? For example above. Maybe I should have been more giving. 1:17 pmpdt I had some things to consider though that really would have cut into my savings: student loan, maybe helping my mom more with paying off her credit cards should have been on the table - & I used that as reason to convince her to stay with me so we could share the cost in rent. 1:20 pmpdt also I thought a little about going to an Amen’s clinic but that was expensive & I wasn’t sure if I was brave enough. I also oddly became a little stingy while taking accounting classes - I didn’t buy something that I needed for class, I tried to do without it. 1:25 pmpdt (heart♥️ pain 1:25 pmpdt exhaling hot 🥵 air) 1:26 pmpdt 1:31 pmpdt strangely now at this moment I feel apathetic? Not caring? Greed w/o guilt. Now the guilt is creeping back in. Makes me question if I’m a good person or not. What’s real. Left shin pain. I feel worthy of disdain? My dad was a teacher 👨🏻‍🏫 & said he didn’t make a lot of money 💰 he had to think of ways to cut his expenses down. Sometimes he seemed to splurge on a few things. When he retired he moved to a cheaper place to live. 1:36 pmpdt I usually saved money he gave me until college. I bought an old car, used text books, & bought frozen dinners to take to school 🏫 (burning hot 🥵 legs 🦵) or ate in the cafeteria. Sometimes I starved myself & only ate snack bars. In high school 🏫 I gave my sister money for 2 middle school 🏫 yearbooks. 1:40 pmpdt sometimes I wore hand me downs in community college. 1:41 pmpdt I was greedy sometimes w/ food. 😓😵🥵🥵🥵🥵😭😭😭😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵 1:42 I feel like I failed a test. 1:43 pmpdt

2:06 pmpdt 2:07 I go round in circles repeatedly about a lot of thoughts 💭. Like, if there wasn’t a god, would I have done bad things? Would I go & do stuff? Am I extremely fake ? There are times I believe that I would. Now it feels I’m going insane from time to time. Trying to stay out of trouble. Fighting a lot of feelings that overwhelm me. Would I have caved otherwise if I didn’t think there would be consequences? Am I good or bad? I feelthat I am bad. My brain is wrecked so should I be hard on myself? I have put up with neglect & abuse. 2:12 pmpdt all I can say is I’m glad I didn’t go that far in bad deeds to others. & that I’m not a man. I hope I’m not a man.. is my vag real???? Or is it fabricated by god???? I once questioned whether I was born with a penis & no one wants to tell me. Sarah Silverman baby penis on my mind 2:15 pmpdt this feels dangerous to write ✍️ but I put context here. Will people forgive this???? 2:16 pmpdt

3:14 pmpdt I’m back down the roller coaster 🎢 again. I feel I’m fake. That I’m sacrificial lamb 🐑. Is the incubus so desparate to get rid of me that he would allow rape to happen? To trick me? Bcz incubus doesn’t care for people? So it’s my fault that rape happened? Such as a police 👮‍♀️ officer 👮‍♀️ needing a speeder to give tickets 🎫 to? The child was raped Bcz he needed to give me a job to do???? 😱😰 is this the only way he could think to get rid of me & maintain a façade that he’s fighting crime? Not originally what I was going to write ✍️ but I guess this is close to what I was thinking. I feel like I have a fairytale 🧚🏽‍♀️ land in my head but reality is bleaker now that I’m getting a glimpse of different feelings that god gives me. 😰reality is he’s going to kill me. Maybe he has (vag pain stings 3:22 pmpdt- feels like a sarcastic joke Bcz I ran away his way of calling me a p*ssy) run 🏃🏻‍♀️ out of patience so he’s giving me a dose of reality. 3:24 pmpdt I don’t feel happy in reality. 3:25 pmpdt this feels real, reality feels bleak. God is scary 😦. 3:26 pmpdt why would god make people do stuff like that? He really doesn’t care or love ❤️ specific people? Only some rich 🤑 people? Or does he not love ❤️ them either. This reason I thought 💭 a minute ago now I’m forgetting they took it away from me that god really likes to sacrifice & that nothing matters. 😱😰😨 3:29 this is extremely bleak. I don’t seem to have a chance at survival or recovery. He really enjoys being that way - cruel, wicked, greedy, deceitful, lecherous... 3:31 pmpdt this is awful 😞

3:32 pmpdt I have questioned what’s my true self. What is his true self & why does he do what he does? Now I question again but I remember reaching a similar conclusion years ago probably 2017/2018. Life is short. & so am I. 3:34 pmpdt I feel that I have bad luck. & I will soon be resting peace ☮️ peace ✌️. Faith why have any of it? Think it’s a device to mislead. 3:37 pmpdt I think the incubus has been stealing my food 🥺😖😭😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵😖😭😖😭😖😭😱😰 probably did it for years, especially when I had difficulty breathing. 3:39 pmpdt

[sugarbabyariaeva]

Baby Steps.

I’ve been thinking about writing a blog for awhile now but I could never decide whether I’d write about my crazy and wild life growing up and how lucky and fun it truly was / is or if I should write about the difficulty of navigating this American society I grew up in but trying to find the proper footing that still acknowledged my modest Islamic middle eastern background and also feel free to do as I pleased like the friends I was raised around. Orrrr if I should write about how I have hit rock bottom in my life many times regarding love & relationships with such narcissistic men because of the relationships I witnessed around me as I grew up and how FINALLY at the ripe age of 25, I’m now realizing how these toxic patterns have truly affected me and have really begun the work of healing myself, my nervous system, meditations, health & working out. Lastly, I wondered if I should talk about my other life.. “Eva’s life” that’s my sugar baby name & poker name that I go by.. & that’s just a whole other story. So I figured this blog could be a little bit of everything. Hopefully whoever comes by my page is interested enough & wants to tag along for the ride.

I woke up this morning & didn’t grab my phone to instantly scroll on Instagram or w/e. I wanted to start my day better today with purpose. I have 99 days till my next birthday so gotta make ‘em count right? Somehow I got lost in my photos app and scrolled all the way to the top and saw the last 4-5 years of my life play out. The pics ranged from me happy with family, traveling with friends and partying it upppp vip everything and just living to me being extremely unhappy, unhealthy, unfocused, essentially felt like I was dying inside. I would lose all of this momentarily for these boyfriends (my last was the most painful-and when I say bf’s I mean recent ones.. they were the same lessons diff issues and w diff men) who were like leeches and sucked the life out of me and it’s was painful to feel and see myself begging for human decency over text message screenshots and being verbally abused and humiliating to look back on. No one really gets why you stay in these types of traumatic relationships but they have a way of creating this unearthly addiction you’ve never felt anywhere else until you met them. Doesn’t help when the guy you’re dating looks like he’s built like a Greek god and as if god put him there for you since he seemed so perfect for you specifically. & on your first date you guys felt like this was what you’d been waiting for for so long. Little did we know that was just our unhealed wounds triggering our nervous systems like “NOOOOO don’t do it” lol but I wasn’t aware yet that those butterflies and initial feelings of “wow this is IT” was just my body trying to warn me. I do think we had love and potential but unfortunately, we highlighted the wounds we both had lying beneath the surface waiting to be dealt with and processed.

As I went through the pics I felt the energy in them and decided that I wouldn’t let it ruin my day. I picked up my laptop and began doing my breathwork and once I finished I was feeling so light and good and GRATEFUL that I made it passed those extremely long painful dark dark dark days that I truly did not know how to. Addiction to people is real and it fucks with your mental stability deeply. If it wasn’t for my aunt coming down to la to visit me and seeing how disastrous I was and my cousin who moved to la going through her own depression aka we needed help lol (not to mention she’s a yogi). I don’t think I’d be here and as stupid as that sounds- I was so deep into this toxicity I know I would’ve gotten sick and most likely died somehow. The min she got here all my body aches and scratchy throat etc went away within a day. I could feel it that my vibration was sooo low and I can truly thank my aunt and my spiritual team for truly helping me so much beyond measure and raising my vibe. It was NOT easy still isn’t sometimes. I cry randomly and then I keep it pushing. Sometimes it lingers but I don’t cry cuz I’m sad. I cry for who I was during those dark times, the pain and abuse I endured.. how now I see that he was a fundamentally malicious, manipulative and a very deceptive being. All because of my “job”. Mind you, I was not sugaring then nor was I in poker really. (Lost my normal office job cuz he took me to Miami and wanted to stay an extra couple days and I had work..& I had been super sick (covid) two weeks before and they needed someone full time and hell nah- it just wasn’t it alignment) nonetheless, I knew I couldn’t do another 9-5 (he didn’t, he was a personal trainer and a trapper) & I wasn’t interested in anyone but him so in my head it was just work and I was there to be a poker hostess. He hated it. His ex did it too and yaaa that didn’t work out. Anywayssss, there is absolutely NO excuse for the way I was treated and I’m here to share with whoever reads this that life is SO much better on the other side once you PROCESS your pain, learn WHY you stayed with someone and WHY you were attracted to them in the first place.

With all this being said, I think we can call this a blog that entails life lessons, health & wellness, & a bit of toxicity as well, cuz.. life is all about balance and I’m a sugar baby & I work extremely private underground high stakes poker games in major cities all over the world lol. I call this my powerful feminine era 🤌🏽

Stick along for the ride. It will be fun✨

[hawthorncandy]

Utsukushii Kare #4

This show is turning out to be the source of my family members eyeing me like I'm crazy because that is what this show has made me into . It takes me an hour to finish a 25 min ep cause I have to take time to breathe , then cringe and then feel . This is not a ride , this a rollercoaster .

My thoughts about ep 4 . . .

Hira thinks he is the only one who is so shocked that his heart might exploding , can somebody look at Kiyoi's face ? His sharp eyes soften and the stress of being a paticular character in his forehead lightens - he was so engrossed in his acting before but merely Hira's presence broke the mask . . .

[ GIF by coldties ]

Oh yes ! Finally we can see the Kiyoi going jelly jelly so bad . When he looks from the side of his eyes , he's totally questioning Koyama- with what right are you touching Hira ? My Hira ?

[ GIF by storge ]

We weren't seeing much of Kiyoi POV as much all of us were assuming through his expressions but this question is filled with so much yearning . Like a tsundere way of saying - no matter how long it would take me to come around to you , how could you just cut contact out of no where ?

[ GIF by storge ]

Soft boi Kiyoi is a fact that gets proven ever so slowly yet time and time again in this series . I WAS LITERALLY HITTING MY BLANKET INTO OBLIVION , why Hira , why are you so naive ? It's your charm but why ??? Kiyoi is low key asking you out and this otherwise always horny for kiyoi Hira says he's going home . Going to the pic at home when you have the real deal pining for you - Hira is embodying the naive maiden trope like there is no tomorrow .

When I saw Kiyoi's hopeful pining eyes turn annoyed ,I was like ME TOO !!

[ by luthienmpl ]

The fact that Iruma knows Hira , please tell me Kiyoi has some cute Hira keepsake like a photo . It's gonna be so cute at the end of the series if they show the pictures of each other they had tucked away in their rooms .

[ GIF by oliverbeo ]

Maybe last but not the least this moment . It took 4/6 ep for this to transpire . He hits him on his leg at the end but damn that is some hot hot burning possessive jealousy . Hira , even while stuttering doesn't forget to ask the right questions to bring out Kiyoi's emotions like what does it matter to you ?

Yeah , Kiyoi , you better tell him what does it matter to you in ep 5 or I'm gonna burn this whole world down .

As an avid hater of second lead syndrome and also Love triangles I can only say sorry to Koyama . The preview of ep 5 has been great and also who thinks that Koyama looked fake sick in it ? Is it just me ? Idk .

[eastasiansonwesternscreen]

good romantic drama recommendations?! (Besides crazy rich Asians pls lol)

Hi, sorry it took me so long to answer, but I wanted to compile a thorough list, but didn’t have much time for that in the past three days. For me “romantic drama” is kind of broad genre bordering from family drama with a side of romance, to a romance with a sad ending and to your typical romcom. Again, CRA isn’t listed, so here goes (all films/shows listed center Diaspora Asian characters):

Traditional romcoms in vein of CRA with both protagonists being EA/SEA:

Allways Be My Maybe (2019)

A Sugar & Spice Holiday (2020) Lifetimes Christmas romcom

Saving Face (2004) - romcom centering wlw

Fire Island (2022) - Pride & Prejudice adaptation centering mlm

Front Cover (2015) - romantic drama centering mlm (although, this one doesn’t have a traditional happy ending)

Rhapsody of Love (2021)

I Hate New Year’s (2020) – holliday romcom cenetering wlw

Everything Before Us (2015) Wong Fu Productions movie available for free on their channel on Youtube. Futuristic(?) romantic drama.

Babysplitters (2019) starring Danny Pudi and Emily Chang. This one is more of a indie romcom with emphasis on comedy.

Single by 30 (web miniseries by Wong Fu Productions) starring Harry Shum Jr. and Kina Grannis, 8 episodes, ~30 min long, all available on Youtube

* Flower Drum Song (1961) Not recommending because it’s super dated etc., but still worth a honorary mention for being first Hollywood romcom/musical with Asian cast.

Romce movies with one EA/SEA protagonist:

The Christmas Bow (2020) Hallmark holiday romcom starring Lucia Micarelli

Last Christmas (2019) holiday romantic drama starring Henry Golding

Watching the Detectives (2007) starring Lucy Liu

Marry Me (2010) 2-part miniseries starring Lucy Liu

Already Tomorrow in Hong Kong (2015) Jamie Chung

Shanghai Calling (2012) starring Daniel Henney

Lingua Franca (2019) – indie romantic drama starring trans protagonist played and directed by Isabel Sandoval

The Feels (2017) - indie wlw romcom starring Constance Wu

5 Years Apart (2019) indie romcom starring Chloe Bennet and Ally Maki as sisters

Honorary mention: Selfie (2014) a tv sitcom starring John Cho, cancelled too soon.

YA romcoms with one EA/SEA protagonist:

The Half of It (2020) wlw romcom starring Leah Lewis

To All the Boys trilogy starring Lana Condor

Dash and Lily (2020) Christmas romcom starring Midori Francis, 8 episodes ~25 min long

The Sun Is Also a Star (2019) starring Charles Melton and Yara Shahidi

Turkey Drop (2019) Freeform holiday romcom starring Ben Levin

The Summer I Turned Pretty (2022) tv series

Family dramas that have some romance related subplot:

Minari (2020) – I mean, we were all rooting for Steven Yeun’s and Han Yeri’s characters.

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

The Joy Luck Club (1993)

Meditation Park (2017)

Tigertail (2020)

Dim Sum Funeral (2008)

The Debut (2000)

Made In China (2019) French romcom / family dramedy

Eat With Me (2014) - gay main character, although the movie is mostly centered on the mother character.

Monsoon (2019) gay protagonist starring Henry Golding but it's less of a romance but more of a drama about cultural belonging.

Romance dramas with sad endings (not a spoiler):

All My Life (2020) starring Harry Shum Jr.

*Bridge to the Sun (1961) – not a recommendation but a honorary mention because I love James Shigeta

Lilting (2014) - gay protagonist played by Andrew Leung but this is more centered on Ben Whishaw’s character, so...

There are more coming up, being filmed now/soon, so I'll be updating this list.

[stormblessed95]

He stormie , I want to know ur opinion about jimin vlive in 2018

I saw an analysis done by a karmy

To be honest I found that whole analysis to be a mess but there was a moment

https://youtu.be/qX2ayMq5GxY

This is the link and it starts from 17.40-18.10 , you can hear a jiminah on that

I watched that vlive original , and sometimes it feels likes someone was there , this particular moment starts at 18.25 in original vlive , we can hear something but it's sooo low in volume.

Also In 16.18 he's saying it's so nice when he eat ramen at night in such a low voice, tone diff from what he was speaking before and after. I think you know what eating ramen double means in Korea right.

Was it his manager or 'the manager' lmao

Anyway , while watching jimin's vlives , I knew I was doing 2 things , one: smiling ear to ear throughout vlive , he's such a sweetheart and he's very soft spoken in vlives

Especially in this vlive he was sooo beautiful and rosy😭😭

Two: I want to steal him from jungkook and keep in my pocket forever🤡.

Somemay ask , this is a 53 min vlive so is it possible to keep quiet throughout the vlive if someone was there. Ofcourse you can , especially if you are an introvert like jk or me. My mom is teacher and now she's having online classes, sometimes I'll go and sit in the room she takes class without making any noise, even sometimes doing my crazy thing

Hello! I'm going to start this off by saying that analysis video was all the heck over the place and definitely not accurate. I didn't watch the whole thing, just enough of it for over the vlive you referenced to know that they were trying too hard. They counted Jimin looking at someone off camera during one clip like 14 times.... he looked off camera once and the others were him looking at the comments on the vlive.... lmao soooo yeah. But yes, we can talk about the vlive ourselves! This was a Jimin solo vlive after their concert on 180423 in his hotel room. And yes, I agree that its possible for the members to hide in each others lives, especially in hotel rooms. And we know they have done it before. Referring yet again to Jimin saying he was planning on hiding behind camera originally during Jin's vlive rather than just join him in it, but silently hang out instead. Or The NJ vlive where Jimin was only shown on JKs bed after he made a small noise. Lol You can find the original vlive here:

I think it's super cute how only 3 minutes in and Jimin is already talking about Jungkook and the vlive he did in Toyko and how Jimin watched it back later. JK is truly always on his mind 🥰

One moment that I noticed that could hint to someone being in his room is when he says "the other members are taking a rest now. Taehyung is in the next room over." At 9:45 minutes in. Then he immediately seems to smile looking off camera. Could he be smiling at a member who is in the room while he was telling everyone that they weren't in the room? Lol honestly based off that alone, I would guess it might be Tae hiding in his room and that's why Jimin thought it was funny. Yup, the members are resting Tae's room is next door, but Tae isn't. Lol more likely in my opinion is just that he was smiling at just talking about the members and maybe looked off camera at the moment because he was looking in the direction of Taehyungs room.

With the Ramen thing, that happened right after he was trying to reassure ARMY that he is eating well and not to worry about him. It's a little different than the last vlive where I said I thought he was making a sex joke, because he giggled after he said it and he said it while looking off camera at someone. His tone isn't too different than what he has been dropping into occasionally already here and he doesn't seem to be making a joke or an innuendo here this time. No looking off camera or smirks while he said it. Sometimes Ramen is truly just Ramen. Lmao

And let's talk about all the noises during the 18:25 to like 19 minute mark. I don't hear anything that sounds like anyone speaking. But we do hear some banging noises. Now... I think those noises are coming from Jimin himself. The first time seems like he accidentally kicked something and surprised himself. And then after that we hear noises that correlate exactly with whenever he moves and shifts around. Leaning on the things In the back, putting his feet on and off the ground, sliding around. He gets very fidgety. Soooo I personally don't think these were noises coming from other parts of the room or from someone entering/leaving the room. I think these were all Jimin. He is at the same time talking about how he likes being with the members and I'm pretty sure what he is referring to here is that vlives alone are harder for him, he doesn't know what to talk about always and he feels a little more awkward about it all. But when he is with other members it's easier and just in general too, he likes spending time with them.

At 21 minutes in we hear what sounds like someone saying "Anyo" (hello) and greeting someone else. Jimin also looks up and off camera, like he is reacting to it. I think this is coming from the hallway outside the room though. It's distinct and hotel room walls are for sure very thin if you aren't trying to be quiet, it's easy to hear commotion from hallways lol.

The only other thing I want to make sure I mention about this live is when he gets about 24ish minutes in, he starts talking about stage outfits. He talks about how he sleeves were see through. And then gets all giggly over Jungkook wearing a shirt with a see through back and how he saw JKs naked back on stage and how it made him loose focus on the song because of... JKs naked back.... you know just band mate things.... he was sooo giggly and flustered talking about it. Lmao performance of let go with the shirt in question during the same day as this vlive linked here... lol Jungkook focus fancam:

He once again brings up Jungkook at the 35ish minute mark, saying that he was talking about his night owl tendencies with JK the other day and how he would be on his phone playing at 2am and then all of a sudden it's 5 am. He mentioned how often he stays up super late and how normal that it is for him. So for everyone who was worrying about Jimins sleep habits and how he has a hard time sleeping or worry when he is posting in the middle of the night... lol keep in mind this is nothing new. Maknae line in particular has been nocturnal forever basically 😂 and how Hobi-hyung scolds him for it sometimes. Lol

He then talks for a while about his room, how he is messy. How Hobi scolds him a lot but how happy he is to share a room with him and how he is such a good roommate. He defends his organizational skills. He talks about school and about training his voice. Other random bits and sharing comments with Armys. Just cute random things fill the rest of this time before he ends the live.

Basically I agree that it's possible to sit quietly through an hour long vlive if they wanted to, it's possible a member was in the room as well. But if they were, it's not one of those where we would be able to tell. Personally, I think he was alone in the room for this one. No band mates, boyfriends, or "managers" hiding out of the view this time in my opinion.

Sorry it took me so long to get to this ask. I needed to set aside some time to be able to rewatch and really pay attention to all the little details in the hour long live and then to write about it. And I agree, Jimin is so precious and such an angel. Hope this helped though!! And hope you all have a wonderful day. 💜