rightfullyangry

[repurposedmeatlocker]

What is a video that you remember seeing on youtube (a youtube poop, an animation, a meme, an edit, a funny vid) that no matter what you can no longer find, leaving your faint memory as the only proof of its existence?

[pink-vulpix]

.

[sockatoothewafflebird]

over and over, i fuck myself over, and under and under, i do it again.

morning and evening, i felt i was grieving, until i said fuck you, and never again.

daytime or nighttime, i feel i'm on my time, but time is fickle, just like a friend.

and with my departure, from the pain i harbor, i feel i am sinking, and sailing to swim...

--

I'm worried about Ragatha.

She'd definitely be better off not looking at mirrors for a while. Even more so if she stopped reciting random depressing songs to her ceiling, for no other reason than to dig a deeper hole, to sink further down. I can hear her singing to herself every night, the same songs she plays on all her instruments. What a beautiful voice. How beautifully she plays. But, it's always so sad.

She keeps falling. Faster. Further. Her screams can't be heard anymore. And yet she never falters. How many miles - and what kind - of shit has she been through, to think this is okay? How long did it go on for, for her to think it's normal?

It's not healthy.

But she doesn't mind. Somehow. She'd break her own arms herself if it meant Zooble would stop losing their temper at her, if it meant Jax would stop terrorizing Gangle, if it meant Kinger could just remember the little things.

She's such a wonderful person. Amazing. An unstoppable ray of sunshine for anyone willing to look at her. She's the kindest person I've ever met. Even behind all that fog, she cares, maybe more than anyone. It's so sweet.

It's so easy to see she's hurting though. She hurts so much sometimes I can see her hide her tears, I can tell she deflects all the time.

If only she knew she didn't have to hide. If only she saw it. If only she knew she's more than a toy.

If only I could get through to her.

I guess I should've listened when Kaufmo said to never fall for a girl with baggage. Seeing her like this just hurts.

I hope she can figure it out. I try so hard to make sure she's doing alright, and she always insists I don't have to worry. And I can never hide how much it devastates me that she thinks I'd drop the subject so quickly, and just act like I don't care. I do care. I care so much I think i'll fucking die if she doesn't start seeing through my eyes once in a while.

God. This is the longest entry i've ever written. My hand hurts.

Goodnight, I guess. Here's to hoping.

---

my plan when i find a character i like (in no particular order):

this is how i feel about ragatha. in case you didn't notice. i love her as a character so much i just wanna put her under a damn microscope. the influence has influenced me and now i share the obsession with ragatha that mod bee from @ask-the-rag-dolly has been afflicted with.

pomni is such an observant character. and caring. and overall very smart. she can't pretend she doesn't notice all of ragatha's little lies and slip-ups.. and it eats away at her, knowing she can't do anything, knowing ragatha can't and won't accept help right now. ragatha needs to come to terms with it on her own. a therapist is what ragatha needs.

but in a video game? and in my au, in the middle of a broken world full of corporate greed and the cold, unforgiving whims of mother nature? if she found a therapist in either, it would be considered a once in a lifetime historical discovery. the school textbooks would have a chapter on it.

either way, something's up in the darkest depths of that cotton-filled brain of hers, and she's just built to think it doesn't matter. she's built to make sure everything stays nice and positive and okay. when we ALL see it's not. goddamnit ragatha i will make an oc that is a licensed therapist just so you can stop being such a sad wet dog and start practicing the art of self-partially-enjoy oh my god you sweet little door hinge

(song lyrics at the beginning are from over & over by rio romeo btw, theyre very cool pls check them out)

[ja3hwa]

★𝟑𝐤 𝐅𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭★

Three thousand people follow this weird as blog!?!? Oh my, oh my. Thank you guys, you all are so sweet. And the fact you are willing to follow me ahhh its an honour. I could ramble on and on about how thankful I am but I'm sure you all are here to just read the fics eheh.

So, to everyone who joined in and sent in requests. Thank youu ♡♡♡

Masterlist | Navigation

—

Make Me Yours | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Mr Choi wants to speak to you about your grades and how you have been sich a good girl for him.

Can't Get Enough | Requested By @woosanbby

↳ 【Synopsis】 : After your little picnic date, San can't seem to keep his hands off you. And he is going to do everything in his power to touch every part of you until you're screaming.

Capable of anything | Requested By @lemonhongjoong

↳ 【Synopsis】 : What was one way to prove to your father you weren't a little innocent girl anymore? Sleep with the enemy...

Play Fair | Requested By @violetwinters

↳ 【Synopsis】 : You were best friends. You loved one another so much to the point that you hated each other. Well, at least video games and help you let off steam... among other things.

Fucked up | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Hongjoong notices you couldn't stop staring at Wooyoung during practice. So Hongjoong did what any amazing boyfriend would do. Let you fuck his friend.

A Beautiful Creature | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : War is the only thing filling your world. And yet, with such darkness, grows a light.

Pretty Boy | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : The ruthless mob boss and King of the city. A man that is feared by all. But when your fingers graze over his rough, scared skin, he is nothing more than your whimpering little toy.

Company | Requested By @changbinslovelylegs

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Your father being injured has sent you into spiralling sadness. You couldn't think... So why are you begging your fathers best friend for comfort?

I'm Sorry | Requested By @

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Can Jongho find a way to make it up to you? Or will you end up not forgiving him?

What Happens In Fight Club | Requested By @kitten4sannie

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Longing stares and teasing words make a lustful mix when brought into the boxing ring.

Familiar Strangers | Requested By @whatudowhennooneseesyou

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Running for most of the night you seek save haven from a sweet stranger. The only thing is, he wasn't such a stranger by the end of the night.

Pull The Trigger | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : After the gala incident, you finally speak with your father face to face. But little did you know your life was about to change entirely that night.

Mission accomplished | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Mission after mission Mingi grows impatient with your teasing and tonight he wanted nothing more than you see you fucked out and begging for him in the bar you just fought in.

Mark Me As Yours | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : You forgot to tell your vampire lover your heat started. Now, he gets to experience that you taste like in the midst of it.

Cum sweat and tears | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Getting intoxicated with your very dominant boyfriend is proven to be a blessing in disguise.

Look What We Have Here | Requested By @anonymous

↳ 【Synopsis】 : Your two roommates love to make it hard for you to find a partner... but what happens when they stop you at the door of your apartment and "convince" you that you deserve better.

—

[emotionally-damaged-carrot]

"Just another character in your book"

Part 2 of this

Here is the part 2, haven't had motivation for writing a part 2 lately and I've been super busy. Hope this was worth the wait? I tried to proof read it but I am too tired it's 2am here. I will get to the request rotting in my inbox when I can. I have just been super busy lately and most likely until december. Hope you understand but I try to do the requests asap.

Warning: none, surprisingly

Hope you enjoy ✌️

Walking back into the apartment it filled me with sadness and betrayal. A place I once felt safe and loved, now it felt more cold and fake.

"I-i'll make dinner after I freshen up."

I told Charles as I pulled away from him and rushed to the bathroom in our bed. 'Smells like cheap perfume mixed with sweat.' I said to myself as I noticed 2 used condoms in the trash as I entered the bathroom. 'Guess she wasn't all that if he they only did 2, or did I interrupt?' I asked myself, trying to ignore the thoughts from plaguing my mind.

As I undressed and entered the shower the tears began to flow again, the sobs coming out louder. I opened the shower to try and hide the sounds, hoping he won't hear. But then again, if he didn't hear me enter earlier, he probably can't hear me right n-

"Y/n, you okay?"

My thoughts were cut off by his voice.

"Y-yea, why'd you ask?" I asked trying to sound normal but my voice faltered.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" I asked cheerily, hoping it's enough to get rid of him.

"If you say so, I'll skip dinner, I already ate earlier. Sorry." He said apologetically.

"No worries, you don't have to apologize for eating." I said with a chuckle. 'You only need to apologize for doing her on the bed we sleep in.'

"Okay, I'm gonna go shower and chill on the couch."

"Okay."

After our little interaction, I finished showering and dressing myself up. Walking out of the bathroom I see that he changed the bed sheets and the pillow cases. 'So I won't smell the intense session you two had.' I thought to myself with a smile.

I got out of the bedroom to go make dinner for myself. I see him on the couch with the t.v on but he's focused on his phone, laughing and blushing. I caught a glimpse of what was on screen, seeing a name with a heart beside it, and some not so safe for work texts and a video. 'They even recorded it? Wonder how long before it gets leaked, I wonder how everyone will react when they find out everything?'

As I got the ingredients ready, and cooked, I accidentally burned myself on the pan. Not fully concentrated as my mind wondered about the events that occured just some time ago.

"Fucking bitch." I whisper shouted as pain shot up from my fingers. I immidiately ran my hand under cold water.

"Amour? What happened?" Charles asked as he entered the kitchen and walked towards me.

"I-i-i'm fine, j-just made an oopsie, I'm gonna go back to cooking again with more care this time hopefully." I said with a dry chuckle as I avoided him, trying to distance myself from him. I can't stop imagining the things they did.

"Are you sure?" He asked as he tried getting closer. But I end up just hurrying with the cooking, turning the fire on high to cook faster. Luckily I only need to finish up the egg which takes little time to cook.

"Yep." I said as I put the egg on my plate. Along with some fish, beef, and rice.

"You want some?" I asked as I offered him my plate to stop him from advancing to me.

"Okay, What's wrong y/n?" He said as he stopped in his tracks completely looking confused, hurt and annoyed. 'He doesn't really have a right to be hurt, does he?' I asked myself as I began to overthink everything, maybe I wasn't what he needed? Maybe I didn't do it for him anymore? Maybe, just maybe, I did something for him to seek comfort in someone else?

"D-did I d-do somth-thing?" I asked with trembling voice as I looked at him with teary eyes.

"W-what? Of course not, mi amour. You could never do anything wrong." He said in a loving tone as he closed the gap between us and hugging me tight. I hugged him back just as tight as tears began to flow down my cheeks I burried my face on his chest wetting his shirt.

"What makes you say that?" He asked worriedly as he kisses my hair and ruffles it while rocking me side to side.

"Y-you looked a-annoyed." I said but my voice is muffled by his shirt.

"I wasn't annoyed, I was just confused why you were acting like that. Did something happen at work?" 'Not at work.'

"Did I do something?" 'Of course you did.'

I tried to shake my thoughts away as his questions continued. My mind being overrun by guilt and confusion. My emotions being overwhelmed by sadness and anger. Feeling guilty that I am like this, that I made him worry. Confusion as I can't explain why I am feeling like this, why do I feel bad for him, when he hurt me. Waves of sadness hit me as I felt helpless in his clutch, feeling like without him I would be nothing. My mind and everything are all jumbled up, not knowing which is which or what is what. But one thing I know for certain is that, I shouldn't feel this way.

As I gathered myself I pulled back and away from him, removing his arms from around me.

"I-i'll just go eat." I said, trying to hide the hurt from my voice. I removed my apron, put the dishes in the sink and grabbed my plate from the counter and speed walked upstairs towards the guest bedroom.

As I ate in silence, pondering on what to do. I heard Charles on the phone with someone, he seemed to be having a great conversation if you take into account the loud laughters.

"Of course not, mate... Yea, I'll be very careful. Oui, oui okay, I'll see you tomorro, ciao."

As I finished eating I hear foodsteps getting close, and a door opening and his voice.

"Y/n? Where are you? Amour?"

I heard he say as he closed the door and his voice became a bit muffled, after a bit I heard a door open again and close.

"Y/n? Are you okay?"

He said as he tried to open the locked door to the guest room.

"Y-yea, I just wanted to eat in silence is all. Don't worry."

I said in a cheerful tone.

"I feel like you're not okay, y/n." 'Of course I'm not, after what you've done.'

"Can I come in?" 'No, I don't want to fall for you again.'

"I'll be out in a bit, just gotta tidy up." 'Wipe the tears and clean your face don't let him see.'

"Okay, I'll be downstairs, talk to me.. please."

He said with a brief pause before saying the last word in a sad tone.

"I will."

—

After fixing myself I decide to come downstairs to watch the dishes and clean up. Stepping down the final step I see the t.v is off, and a sleeping Charles on the couch with his phone on his hand and unlocked. 'I shouldn't.'

After I clean up everything in the kitchen, I check back on him to see if he's still asleep. He looked so peaceful, with his eyes closed and mouth open a bit. He looked so relaxed, without a worry in the world. I look back at his phone, curiousity winning. I step walk closer to him to take his phone, surprisingly with no resistance. The first thing I saw was his messages with someone, a woman, I saw the messages sent earlier today. Full of pictures of a woman, in lacy undergament thst barely cover her breasts and other parts.

"Are you sure you want this one?

Those look perfect on you.

They would look better in your hands. ;)

I will make you scream my name"

As I read a few of the messages I started to tear up, looking up at the name of the woman, I saw a heart beside it. Scrolling down I began to see pictures and videos, all sent recently. I saw the pictures he sent to her of him in nothing but underwear with a prominent bulge. The tears began to fall, down my cheeks and onto the phone.

"Amour?"

I looked towards the source of the voice, seeing a sleepy Charles rubbing his eyes. His began to show concern after seeing tears falling down my face.

"W-what happ-"

He didn't finish his sentence as he saw what I was holding. I silently gave him back his phone and made my way upstairs to pack all my belongings, which was not much considering he owned the apartment. I packed my shoes, clothes and nessesities that I bought with my own money, not wanting to take anything from him.

"I can expl-"

"It's okay, I knew you could never love true, that you can't be loyal. I mean, you are Charles Leclerc for crying out loud, ladies and men flock to you, they crave even an drop of your attention. They go crazy from a single glance from you, you could get anyone you want. And it appears you chose a new one, I won't make a scene and get angry, I knew what I signed up for the moment I accepted your proposal to be in a relationship with you. I should've expected this, with a body and face like yours I don't blame you. I want to, but my mind won't let me. I will be out as soon as possible, just get to bed and sleep. I hope she is worth it, I hope it won't happen to her. I loathe her, I envy her, but I don't want her to get hurt. Take care of her, maybe she will give you what you want and you won't have to look for anyone else, I hope she will be the last."

I said as my lips quiver and tears fall down freely from my eyes. I began to close my suitcase and bag, all my belongings now with me. I couldn't bare to look at him as my eyes looked at everywhere but him.

"I-i'm sorry, I love you, it was a m-mistake, please please please don't do this. Don't leave."

He said, his voice breaking. And for the first time ever since I said what I said, I looked at him, tears falling down his cheeks as he walked closer to me.

"I don't want to leave, I want to stay b-"

"Then stay, I will cut her off completely, I will the best boyfriend from now on I will try my hardest to earn your love, I will do everything you want. just please..please.. don't leave me. I need you, I lo-"

"I want to believe you and I want to be with you, but, I can't. Holding on will hurt me more than letting go."

I said as I walked closer to him my hands going o his cheeks, the pads of my thumbs wiping away the tears as his hands hold mine.

"D-don't please, I-i-i-i need you, I love you."

"Please, don't say that, because if you really meant it, you wouldn't have to say it to prove it, instead you'd show it you make me believe it."

"I-i-i can prove it, I can show it, please, just stay with me, don't leave. I-i-i need you, please I'm begging you, give me another chance to show you how much I lo-"

"I want to, I really want to give you another chance, but I don't think I can. I've been hurt far too many times by second chances. I really wanna believe you, I want to love you. I want to be with you, but I'm not going to stay with you if it causes me pain, I can't say I wasn't happy with you, because I was, I really did enjoy being with you. But, it's time for me to let go, the song has stopped and the dance has ended."

I said as I hugged him tight and burry my face on his neck, his arms wrapping around my waist tightly, hoping that if he held me tight enough I won't go.

"Please, I can show you happiness, I ca-"

"I know you can, and you have, but. It's time for you to show it to another."

I said as I pulled back, looking at his face that is now red and tear stained, his eyes red and hair a mess.

"It's time I go, it's very late, you should sleep."

I said as I pulled away and went to collect my suitcase and bag.

"One more night, please?"

He asked me pleadingly, hoping I will cave in if he asked me with the way he looks, like a broken man who lost everything.

"I c-can't."

I said as I put on my bag and grabbed my suitcase, and making my way towards the door. I tried to avoid him, to avoid his hands that were reaching out for me. I walked out of the bedroom and onto the living room, looking around one last time to see if I missed anything. With one last inhale and exhale, I made my way towards the main door and went out, I looked back to close the door to see a broken Charles looking at me with sad pleading eyes.

"I'm sorry Charles, I guess I was only another character in your book."

[flutishly]

The lull before the storm - revisiting the days before Hero's birthday, a decade later

Note: This post contains spoilers for Nothing Much to Do.

I'll admit, I haven't been keeping up with the NMTDaily in recent weeks. I'll watch the videos a couple weeks late, in chunks. It feels entirely unlike how I watched NMTD when it was originally released (obsessively, as the episodes came out; I never used subscriptions, so I'd check the channels directly pretty much every day), but entirely reflective of where my life is today, a decade later.

I'll be away this weekend, leading into the 10-year anniversary of Hero's 16th birthday and the radio silence that followed. I'll probably write more about the actual videos when the time comes (hey, remember when I spent hours micro-analyzing a tiny video only for the full-length scene to emerge within that same day? I should be embarrassed by that than I am), but for now I find myself thinking about how the tension ramps up and how the story of Much Ado About Nothing and NMTD's interpretation feels different in 2024 than it did in 2014.

There's a lot that at the time I feel I was less forgiving of, interestingly. Maybe it's because I'm older, but I find myself feeling sorrier for the boys this time around. Claudio's anxiety and self-consciousness feels more... forward. Pedro's need to people-please and "lead". Ben's intense need to be liked and appreciated. Ironically, even as their behavior seems even more "inappropriate" today, I can't help but feel that there's something about it that I better understand today.

Hero herself somehow feels more mature. There's something about watching with the retrospect of a decade that makes the coming punch hurt all the more. It's been long enough since my last rewatch that I'd forgotten so many smaller details, like the way the girls have their sleepover or the fact that Hero has her own charming relationship with the camera independently of Beatrice. (I'm not sure why I'd forgotten these moments specifically, but it's interesting! I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I always clicked with Bea more as a character, but in this rewatch I feel like I'm finally seeing the version of Hero that many of my friends from the NMTD era always saw.)

Hero seems more mature and Bea seems more childish. Ten years ago, Bea was just a few years younger than me; she was immature, but not so different from where I was in life. Now, both Bea and Hero feel like teenagers and I'm very much not a young adult anymore. I look at both of them and think how fragile they are, how much they're taking on themselves at such a young age (independence is wonderful, but do they have the love and support of a good adult mentor?). I think of Bea's discomfort talking about Ben and her fear of being hurt. I think of Hero's open love and trust. I think of how both will soon be heartbroken by the same event, in very different ways.

Hero's birthday is one of those plot points in the world of literary webseries. It's iconic for a reason. And I know that as things "unfold" this weekend (and are only revealed next week), I'm watching it from a very different place than a decade ago and with a completely different mindset. But I suspect that the sadness and anger I felt then will not be completely obliterated. I suspect that I'll still have a moment of anguish for Hero, for Bea, for shattered dreams and the end of innocence.

----

One final aside: I truly love the writing on NMTD. Time and again, I'm impressed by just how richly the characters are drawn, by what a beautiful job The Candlewasters did in translating a classic text and making it feel so very real. I feel so lucky to have experienced this show as it was released in 2014 and yet again lucky to watch it now.

[lanaevyssmoved]

how do you feel about people getting astarion’s scars as tattoos because when i saw it i was like uh….

so i was thinking about how to answer this question for a bit and i've come to the conclusion that my struggles because i am completely gobsmacked that in 2023 we still have issues like this

i am 29 years old, which i think is very important to bring up. i've been on tumblr for over a decade, i remember when people were actually doxxed over kinning a character who did a murder once. i remember when lives were destroyed over how people chose to love a video game character. i remember when an ask like this would cause a witch hunt that ended in someone being genuinely unsafe. i think asks like this can still be dangerous, and i can't post this without making that clear. while i'd like to think this wouldn't happen anymore, i can't say for sure, i think we need to have the self awareness of what can come, when our history, as in tumblrs history, is full of things like this being actually deadly. sorry if that's a little too serious for the vibe you're putting out, but that shit was fucking traumatising and i'm not gonna pretend it wasn't, so this ask was a little scary to receive and my upcoming honesty? i'm scared to put it out there on gut instinct alone haha (insert comment about astarion kinnies here)

astarion is a video game character with intent to make you feel things, good or bad. he is designed to tell a story and attach you to that story. he is designed to make your little brain juices sizzle when he says a funny or makes you sad. i'm sure this is obvious, but your concern for what people do with these feelings makes me think it might not be.

the scars are fucking cool design. they were made to be fucking cool. you're meant to look at them the first time you do and go WHOA.... it is very easy to appreciate the work and effort that went into them by whomever designed them, they have a lot to be proud about. if someone wants the scars as a tattoo because they think it's cool, more power to them. that's a fucking expensive tattoo, it would take a long ass time to be finished and heal, it would never be an easy decision for these facts alone.. and adults can do whatever they like with their money. he doesn't exist, he isn't real, he can't be offended by this, and you shouldn't be either.

and now i have to get sensitive with it because astarions story, whether you want to think of this or not, can, and will, resonate with abused people. many kinds of people of course, but most especially abuse victims. as a victim myself, parts of his story hit just a little too close to home and hurt. now think of someone who might have it hit closer to home than it did for me, someone who finds more connection with what astarion went through and what they went through. now imagine how important astarion is to that person, his reclaiming of autonomy, his reclaiming of agency, etc. i can see someone wanting the scars as tattoos because then in their mind they can be astarion and do what astarion did. they can be closer to astarion and use that strength to survive and push through. they can feel what he felt and survive (obviously it's not the same, but it's the symbolism). unfortunately you cannot dismiss that some people may be doing it out of a place of trauma and using astarion to help them heal. i'm not arguing whether or not this is healthy, i've certainly done similar in my youth when it comes to relating to characters who have been abused, we all find our ways to cope, and we all find our places of strength.

astarion doesn't exist, he was created in a game studio with intent to make you feel shit, as established already, including intent to make you feel so strongly you want to put pieces of him on your skin forever, like, that's a compliment when it comes to making characters. if afhiri had something on her skin that signified trauma, and someone wanted to permanently put that on their skin? wow, she means that much to you? you liked her that much? that's a gods damn compliment. and i cannot see those who worked closely with astarions creation seeing it any other way.

what i can say is that when i was younger, 20-23ish, i probably would have given it an 'uh...' too, but as i grew older i realised that life is draining, it is hard, and there is no room to healthily view video game characters as any more than some code and 3d model that exist exclusively to make you feel something strong enough that you might want them with you forever, because that's the end goal, to make you feel that strongly, and if you wanna spend that hard earned money you make on putting the cool scars on your back, or the scars that make you feel so emotional that you cry on your back, do it. let the character whose made this rough existence a little easier or mean a little more do that for you, and if you wanna express it through a tattoo, do that, it's your body, your flesh.

i'm rambling on because i am so passionate in that life is too short to judge others via this. our lives are too hard already, life sucks enough as it is. the video game character doesn't give a shit if his scars are a tattoo because he's not real. who cares? why do you care? no, seriously, why do you care? does this help you? is it good for you? is judging someone else's decisions an act that brings you actual, real joy? is that how you want to spend your time? where you want to put your free thoughts? you don't know them, their reasoning, what they're going through, and it shouldn't matter. because their body has absolutely nothing to do with you, and i find it weird and uncomfortable that you cared enough about what someone else does with their body that you'd send me an anon about it.

i don't know whether you were looking for validation, or me to generally think about this critically, but i cannot encourage the mindset of caring about this more than "wow, i hope it looks good because that shit gonna be expeeeensive!!!" i cannot encourage sending people anon asks about it, it is strange to do that. this was strange! it was a strange experience and i don't like it. but i couldn't ignore it.

astarion might matter to you, personally, but he himself as a video game character, doesn't, because he isn't real, he has no feelings, he cannot be hurt or offended. but the person getting the tattoo? they're real. they're a real life person with feelings. they can be hurt, you can hurt them. you can judge them and bring them down and make them feel guilty for their choices. deciding whether you are the kind of person who'd do that to a living breathing person over a video game character is something you need to do. do you want to be that person? i know i certainly don't

[ask-serendipity-sky]

JK about Seven: "it’s a serenade that I sing for my lover from Monday to Sunday"

"the lyrics mean you want to be with the person you love all the time"

"the willingness to be with the love of my life every day is shown is this passionate serenade"

them: he’s a FuCkbOy

make it make sense… the guy is seriously screaming he’s hopelessly in love, hello? didn’t you get it??

I seriously hope people saying this are just young with no experience in serious relationships. If you think singing about having passionate sex with your lover 7 days a week can’t be about a committed relationship then I guess you haven’t find a good person for you and it’s sad as fuck.

Hi anon,

It just makes me wonder if people have never heard a song that talks about sex? They act like it's the biggest reveal of the century.

"Kiss your waist...fucking you right, 7 days a week."

Most songs talk about that so I don't understand why Jk singing something so tame (it is really tame compared to other songs) means that Jk can't be in a relationship with Jimin.

He can do all those things with Jimin too!

But perhaps these people only know sex and not making love.

It's obvious that what jikook have is deep. Years and years of layers upon layers. Intimacy and feelings to the max. They are both hopeless romantics. So add their emotioms for each other, how in tune they must be with each other mentally and physically, and it's something that not everyone will understand. It's not even just sex anymore. It's like another level of....

Meanwhile sex singer Jk, is the same Jk that planned a entire birthday cheer me up trip for Jimin and made a romantic video about it:

I will talk about this every time I am able to.

He watches romantic movies:

Helps Jimin when he has pain:

Believes in destiny:

Brings snow because Jimin likes snow:

Cares about Jimin while watching him on tv:

He can sing tame sex lines and be a hopeless romantic and be in a long term monogamous relationship with Jimin.

Thanks for sharing.

[tss-whumper]

had a small idea. kinda just a one-line prompt but hey. names could always be changed hence the brackets lol

"hey, hey, (roman)." (remus) says quietly, "it's okay. you're safe. well, as safe as you can be with him around."

omg i LOVEE this! let me see what kinds of scenario i can come up with for ya!

pierrot

(cw -> whumper!patton, implied physical abuse, mention of kinks)

"Hey, hey, Roman," Remus says quietly, "It's okay. You're safe. well, as safe as you can be with him around."

Roman smiles and nods rapidly, doing anything he can to make it clear to Remus how okay he is. He has to be okay, he has to be carefree and unafraid. Patton is standing right there. If he finds out that Roman told anybody about the things that happen when the cameras stop rolling, the chatty prince might just need to be silenced.

But of course, Remus doesn't know that. Remus doesn't know anything about the bursts of purple and yellow peppered across his skin underneath his bright white prince costume. Remus doesn't know that Roman's mouth tastes metallic because of how hard he has to bite his tongue so nobody can hear him screaming. Patton is Morality. The good guy. Nobody can know that he has to tan the hide of the pathetic little prince who can't follow simple rules.

All Roman dared to tell Remus about was the horrible things Patton said to him during punishments. And even that was already proving to be too much for the outspoken side to sit on.

As the video starts being recorded and Thomas appears, Remus reaches for Roman's hand so his brother has something steady to keep himself grounded. When Roman doesn't take it, Remus puts a hand on Roman's shoulder instead, causing Roman to tense up and stare at the floor, his entire body tight and still.

It isn't that Remus' touch isn't comforting. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Remus' warm hand, calloused and dry, feels familiar, and Roman almost feels protected. Loved. But really, he can't let himself go and fall into the feeling because every time he dares to look up, he gets trapped in Patton's icy blue eyes as they stare right at him, unblinking, as the father figure grins widely.

"Oh, you're a naughty one, aren't you?" Patton mumbles, so quietly that not even Roman can hear it. "That's okay. It's my job to help people atone for their wrongdoings. That's what Morality's for. I'll ensure your loose lips don't cause anyone anymore trouble, my darling prince. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I have to lead you down the right path..."

---

When the episode is over, nobody feels great about it. The problem doesn't really get solved. No questions really get answered. Patton is seething behind his smile.

"Roman, sweetheart, can you help me out in my room?" he asks in a sing-song voice.

Roman's breathing grows ragged. Remus stands in front of him.

"What, so you can berate him again?" he challenges, "Call him a brat, a worthless little Pierrot? He told me everything, Patton. If degradation's your kink, I won't shame you for it, but don't use my brother to beat off to it. You know how sensitive he is."

"Roman is no prince," Patton whispers, a manic smile growing on his face as his eyes glint with the knowledge of a secret. "He is a Pierrot. He's a sad little clown, with nothing better to do than to spread lies about me. It really is crazy what jealousy can do to a person."

"I'm not jealous of you!" Roman protests quickly, rushing to Patton and getting in his face, begging for some of his attention. "I swear, I'm not. I'm happy that you're the favorite side now, I'm happy that you're getting the praise you deserve! I didn't really tell Remus everything, he just thinks I did. Everything's safe with me, everything! I promise! I am a prince, I am honorable and noble. I promise."

His voice grows more shaky and desperate with each sentence until words that should have been grand declarations turn into desperate pleas.

"Come on, Pierrot," Patton says sweetly, gently holding Roman's long, slender hand and guiding him away from Remus. "Let's go to my room. Talk things out...maybe over some cookies."

Remus' skin becomes hot with anger, and he reaches out for his brother, but the two sink down before Remus even has the chance to extend his arm all the way. They're gone. And now, nobody is going to get in the way of Roman's punishment.

[snake-and-mouse]

I'll be honest tho... I'm not upset to have one less reason to open youtube.

I am upset one more bit of joy is ending. I can't afford the subscription, not that I'd have gotten it if I could. Leaving because they don't "fit youtube", which is more hubris than truth, and with three shows made with fan submissions that I don't find appropriate to paywall and charge 6$ for...I'm not sayings it's good Watcher has decided they don't need or want their poor and international fans. But ignoring the debate of it all for a sec-

The very first time youtube tried to make me watch a forty five second unskippable ad, actually four ads in one, just the first ad roll of many for a twenty minute let's play, plus more ads slipped in after the video ends hoping I don't notice and exit fast enough, watched on a tv I can't put adblock on, forty five seconds and unskippable, as someone who remembered being pissed over a decade ago at the very first time I saw an ad on youtube, the only ad I saw the whole fucking day, which became multiple unskippable ads Every Fucking Video-

I knew my days of using youtube for entertainment were officially over. It was the last forty some straws on a camel that should have probably been dead years ago, but had stubbornly held on for convenience and habit until that moment.

Again, putting to side the various debates. The current business model is one that is very common, that I don't pretend to be above or immune to (or I wouldn't pay for spotify so I could stay sane in the face my day to day commutes) which is "Boil the frog; Over time the free version of your service becomes unpleasant enough to use that everyone eventually caves and pays to escape the constant torment of ads and locked features, because making a site as shitty as possibly is more effective than offering additional services."

And it works. Except for those of us who don't have the money. And for us? Youtube is just not a viable way to casually watch media anymore unless you have very thick skin and endless patience, the days of easy idle hours browsing long gone. Except people with adblock, youtube is dead to us, or at least dying. Which, I'm sure youtubers are aware of. The frog has noticed and is way too boiled. But you're not getting soup from us.

Instead youtube is now merely a source of annoyance and bitterness I can only bear exposing myself to for the very very few creators I'm too loyal to abandon being a fan of. I loosely keep up with a handful of youtubers, and only watch new videos as they are posted with maybe three.

And now that handful is a little smaller. Sad but convenient. I'm sure, despite the fact youtube used to be my main source of entertainment that I'd spend hours a day watching, one way or another the next few years that will dwindle to zero.

Back to Watcher, part of the shame here is, I'm honestly desperate for an option to watch and support youtubers I enjoy away from that site, as are many people, but a sustainable and accesible option that is realistic about the fanbase's needs and wants. Not that. That wasn’t a way to enjoy Watcher's content away from the dumpster fire. It was saying "If you can't pay or don't get our Vision™ then stay in the dumpster fire, which we're leaving, because we're Better, and those with taste and money will follow us, and those are the only fans we need."

Okay. Fine. Was nice knowing you, I'll miss Are You Scared, but I'm sure I can spend that time on something else now that won't show me six Arbys ads in a row.

[manofmanymons]

I know this sounds somewhat hypocritical as someone who loves Survive and Hollow Knight very very very much, one of the biggest things that puts me off from series is when there's too much death and/or general carnage. And it's not even that I'm sensitive to gore or can't handle some death.

It's that once everyone starts dying, I stop having fun! I'm not enjoying cool action scenes because everyone I liked is dead, but I'm not even properly sad about any of the deaths anymore because goddamn everyone else is fuckin dead am I supposed to be surprised now? You can only cram so many emotional scenes into a short period of story before I completely stop feeling anything at all.

The reason I like Survive anyways is because there's a truthful route where everyone lives, and even if there wasn't, there's still the moral route where most of them live. If it was JUST the wrathful route or JUST the harmony route I'd fuckin hate it! The fact that that would be a dreadfully short game notwithstanding, I'd be pretty pissed if I spent so much time gaining affinity with these characters and watching them bond with each other and the mc just for the game to end with half of them dead and the other half living in a post apocalyptic hellhole. As full games those routes are ass! But existing as they are as just extreme hypotheticals of what could have happened to these characters if just a few more things went wrong and they weren't as strong of a team, and we get to learn more about them by seeing how they act when pushed to the brink...yeah that is fun. It's like "well I know that this character is okay but it's cool seeing what COULD have but did not happen to them." And you know what despite Ryo literally being one of my favorite characters, I still would've loved Survive just fine without the truthful route because the moral route is a very good stand alone story of a bunch of kids who were met with tragedy but only became closer because of it and still managed to find a happy ending for themselves.

And Hollow Knight, well. For one it's largely helped by the fact that it is a video game and not a show, therefore the fact that it is just INCREDIBLY fun to play goes a long way in making me mentally insane about it. But it's not just that! From the very start of the game you KNOW you're playing through something sad. The sad doesn't sneak up on you, it's always there. Rather than playing through the downfall of a kingdom, you're exploring the ruins of a once-beautiful kingdom, learning what happened to it, meeting the inhabitants, befriending the last little glimmers of hope in this dying world, and fighting to save them. And yeah depending on the player's actions you lose a few of them along the way, but a) as I said some of them only die depending on what the player does, and b) I feel like enough of them have satisfying endings that I'm not too fixated on the ones that die. Ofc Quirrel being probably dead bums me out, and it sucks that you can't do anything for Myla, but hey, your homie Elderbug is fine, Cornifer is fine, you can save Cloth and even Zote if you'd like. Your Mantis buddies are still around. Brumm can be having a silly good time OR you might have a son now. Idk to me HK is finding hope and happiness amid despair rather than losing hope and falling into despair.

Unlike series that are like whee we're a fun action adventure--just kidding everyone is dead.

Oh well we started sad but if everyone works together then maybe there's hope that--psych they are all in fact still dead.

What a silly goofy show about kids having a fun--lmao you fell for that? Nah they're dead too.

Obviously other people are into that otherwise there wouldn't be so many popular series that do that but my god do I hate it literally every single time I have never once gone "you know what this story IS better now that none of my favs are in it and whoever's left has been doing nothing but fighting nonstop without an ounce of the playfulness or humor that originally drew me into this series."

[pbandjesse]

Great and excellent news!!! Crabcake is safe! He showed up this afternoon and I am just so happy that he is okay.

It really was the best end to a pretty bleh day. Me and James agreed that even when things were good it was always with the thought about Crabcake missing. It was a dark cloud. But he's back and he's safe and I'm very happy.

Today was kind of blah though. I slept really well and very deeply. And while I was tired when I woke up I felt a lot better.

I was sad that Crabcake hadn't shown up. But I tried to not feel sad. James made me a runny egg sandwich. Gave me a hug. And sent me to work.

It wasn't a bad drive. I am really enjoying listening to the Swindled podcast right now. And when I got to camp I continued to listen to it while I worked on setting up the printing table inside since it was going to be rainy today. It never rained hard but it drizzled throughout the day and was very grey and finally cool and everyone seemed so happy about that. I was feeling a lot better not being so hot.

The day would be pretty good. I wasn't as quick to get snippy. The kids were sweet. I wasn't worried about materials as much because it was the last day. And I was having fun talking to my coworkers and finishing the 5th ball of yarn for my blanket project. I was having a nice day.

I had a funny morning when a stockade boy walked passed and said "caliente...what does that mean?" And I said. Hot. And he goes "actually it means spicy" and I'm like. Okay same difference I guess. And he goes "actually a very different connotation" but caliente does mean hot! I double checked on Google! Why was this child gaslighting me?

And then not long after that Aaron just came up and said he was in my building last night and was like. "You gotta be careful there's a rat in your building." And I'm like. Why do you think that? And apparently the tarp in the corner was "rustling" and I'm like. Okay? Why do you think that it's a rat and not the mice or the snakes?? And he acted so shocked that there is a snake in my building and was like we should catch it for nature. And I'm like. No?? It controls the mouse population. Again why do you think it's a rat??? I was very confused at the jump.

But thankfully the girl groups were both lovely, though they struggled with listening when we were done and it was kind of frustrating to have someone blatantly do something and smile in your face when you tell them to stop. But then they left and it wasn't my problem anymore.

Lunch was fine. Chicken nuggets and pasta salad. There was cauliflower but I find that to sandy so I didn't get that. I would get frustrated by a conversation about which gas station has the best food and everyone was like Royal farm royal farms! And I'm like everything I've ever tried there has been horrible. And they are like well that's because your a vegetarian and can't get the chicken. And Im like. Okay? But everything else? Wawa is better. But I could feel myself getting to worked up and knew I had to go lay in the AC. I wasn't even hot but I wanted to be cooler.

I walked to our cabin and laid down for a half hour and it was perfect and I'm glad I have started doing this. I would have a snack and watch a video and lay my head down and felt much more human after.

My afternoon was good. All the kids were fun, and were really into the project and that felt good. I had some good conversations with the counselors and I was just really enjoying their company. Both the kids and the big kids (counselors).

Tipis would stay an extra half hour and they were very fun. We would make bead lizards and paint and they watched a video and were laughing and being good kids. Stockade would join us and it was just a good time. It really feels like the best of camp when tipis are there. They are always such a good crew. And I am glad they enjoy hanging out at arts and crafts.

I was happy to go home though. And after cleaning up and setting up for the next week (I covered the table is the cut out bears that gave me a crazy painful blister from cutting the fabric) (I joked to Noah "I bet you can't guess what we're making next week!!" And he made a whole like hemming and hawling but about not being sure of the mystery and we got all the kids in on it until one very literal child goes. "Bears!" And we go omg! He's right!! He solved it!! Just with so much real enthusiasm it was very funny.), and helping Kamal and Jeci find their tyedye shirts I would leave.

And it wasn't a bad drive. I would go to amazing glaze first. Got stuck in a little traffic. And went to get the pieces we made. I love my pond bowl and James turtle looked great. Our house numbers could be better but I am glad we did it. It was fun. Even if I had been having a very bad day at the time.

I drove home and would beat James by a couple minutes. No luck on Crabcake. But I held sweetp and was trying to be good.

James started the oven to cook a frozen pizza and I was going to go take a shower but I went over to Crabcake's tank and then!! He was there!! In his metal hide!! I was so happy to see him. I picked him up to touch our foreheads together. He has never escaped. He was buried deep deep under his water, if the tunnel is to be believed. How we did not find him digging in the box I do not know. I was right about him just sleeping his overheating emergency scare on Wednesday. But man was it scary and I am so so so relieved he's okay.

We got him food and I took a shower and washed hair. I do like my new shampoo but I for sure still need my hair products. Which was my mistake the other day. But we learn. And I feel very nice with my hair right now.

I would hang out on the couch with my husband and we had a nice night on the couch. James would leave me for a bit to replace all of our door knobs and they look so nice. Once the doors are painted properly I'll share. I'm very happy even if the lock mechanism doesn't work in our door. They still look great.

But now we are upstairs together. James made us fresh cookies (which came out huge and we had a very silly laugh about them.) and we shared those upstairs. But now I am very tired. It was a long day. And I am not feeling as burnt out but I am sleepy.

So it is time for bed. And tomorrow I will go to the market and then in the afternoon Jess is coming to get me to go to her coworkers party. I hope I feel good tomorrow. I hope you all feel good. I love you all. I hope you sleep great. Goodnight!!!

[renticat]

𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕕𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖

I said it's conditional yeah it's true but in the videos I said it in wrong context when I should said it's never unconditional. You know the love from narc parents are very much conditional but also, when you're trying your best to met all the conditions somehow there's always another new conditions so it's never ending trying to please the impossible and I am not lying.

It's exhausting, me and my shit now. Cheer up please well I AM FOR 5 MIN when I was really going too deep.on my daydreaming, roleplaying with my imaginary partner then my mind snapped out telling what life is really about surviving but how when I just don't want to survive anymore because I am so tired and feel trapped with no way out? And damn reality can't even let me daydream in peace anymore because she said I am too old now for that.

𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗 𝕚𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖. Seriously though someone ever said the first sentence to me and he didn't assume that I've ever tried it but it's too hurtful and scary also back then I am still trying searching for the good but now here I am again trying to make sense everything that is really making no sense for the hope maybe one day it surely get better. But when?

It's better when I am in denial and just deny all this reality as some sort of nightmares and you know talk myself something really nice and perhaps make love to myself just so when reality hits again, I know it wasn't never real. The talk is gonna be okay, is really just a talk for me now. And I hate people who hate me for my truth like they're always saying please be smile and just don't think about sadness, gosh I mean if you're living in entire different planet than me it's okay but don't tell me what to feel. Or are these people also in denial of their own life and can't bear to see someone being so cynical (honest) about this dark triad outlook of life?

Nature is not always pretty things like flowers and butterflies but also prey and the predators. It's sad and happiness side by side but ofc I admit there's maybe too much black than pink on me but it's because I'd like to keep the pink for myself as I have only too little of it. Why black associated with sadness though? Yeah it's like that because it's just is and people never really asking why. Because it's dark but then shiny things like stars looks best when the sky is so dark and that's what we were, I am the dark sky and you're like dancing stars on my eyes, talking about whatever things you like while you still adoring me or probably it was just you take pity on me.

Well you don't have to. You know I am not always dark sky, sometimes I turn into this golden sky, orangey ones is just the cycle is like north pole, too many dark nights compare to the sunny ones but yet there is.

But people pushes themselves so hard to only display and appreciate the sunny days and have the inclination to dismiss about dark days when it's not actually that bad if you have someone by your side as your guiding star but then, not everyone is lucky like that. And certainly not me right now.

find another star then, star dies too you know but also the older the sky, the more and more they becomes so tired of hearing the same lies from the stars. There's too many of them and because they're so pretty mostly it's just becoming boring and unbearable as they would not tell you when the sparks will be gone, it's just gone in an instant and the sky wasn't prepared to just move on to another stars then it's just gonna be lonely night and sometimes sunny days of enlightenment but you know the sun is not the stars is just like warm imaginary little child that everyone had in their head, your own sparks so it's great but sometimes you longing still for the beautiful stars as they give you some kind of sparks you can't produce it on your own.

It's beautiful but also painful.

[scarletify]

Hello! I felt like sharing some thoughts about my comic, Blonde Sunrise. Just some general rambling

Recently I've been struggling with finding an identity for myself in both my online presence and what I want to do with myself. It's no secret that I've been struggling to keep up with my comic, it's been moving at a snail's pace for over a year at this point.

But that's not for a lack of loving my comic. That might be the worst part, I love my comic and I want to see it proceed. Lately however simply drawing a page has become incredibly difficult, and I'm finding myself having less and less of a passion for comic making. In all honesty, I already know Blonde Sunrise will not be finished as a comic. My goal is to finish part 1 as it is, and part 2 in a different medium.

I don't know how to explain this feeling really. Blonde Sunrise means a lot to me, and yet in recent years it's only become more difficult to create.

The thing about my story though is that, in my opinion, it's been going on entirely too long. Keep in mind I started writing the story and making my comic when I was a teenager. I started this comic in 2011. I'm a very different writer now than I was back then, and there are a lot of writing decisions I made as a kid that I don't like anymore. Things like most of the cast being entirely too young. There are certain character designs I wish I could change (Cyran lol). I think some of the character backstories are a little too sloppy and unbelievable (I'm looking at you Mr. Main Character). But I think the worst thing of all is the lack of clarity with the setting. Because, I'll be honest, I never really decisively chose a setting. It's my weakest point in both writing and art for sure, and I think it's what holds back the story the most.

That is to say, it's only natural that I've grown as a writer since I started this comic. There's a lot I wish I could change, but the comic has been going so long and these things can't be changed. It's a depressing feelings that's been holding me back a bit, I admit.

And I think that's why it's been so hard to make my comic in recent years, and I sincerely apologize for that. I want to see my story finished. I want to finish part 1 so that I can switch mediums and create part 2. And I'm so close. I'm right at the edge of part 1's conclusion. And it still feels like there's no end in sight.

My online presence for over a decade has been as a webcomic creator, but recently I've been shifting away from that, and I'm sure people have noticed. I'm not finding joy in making the comic anymore, but I'm finding a lot of joy in video editing and voice work. And I think a large part of me is scared that I'm letting people down by changing my online identity.

And that's it for the sad part of my rambling, thank you for reading. I am a person who bottles up feelings like this, and I felt it was important to just say something and be visible in some way.

In spite of everything I've just said, I will not give up on seeing this story complete. The comic is still updating, albeit very slowly. I know it's been far too long since there's been a public update, but updates have been getting posted on patreon at a slow pace. Once I'm confident I can keep up again, I will resume public updates as well.

That's a lot of words to say, I love my comic, and I'm struggling with it, but I still want to see it complete.

Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for enjoying my work, whether it's my comic or my videos. And thank you for supporting me despite my shortcomings.

[minestracalda]

Chizuru Chigiri - Blue Lock Oc 🧬

INFO: Chizuru is a prodigy medicine student doing a school-work alternance in Blue Lock as a doctor to have bonus points during exams.

CHIZURU CHIGIRI - EGOIST BIBLE

“You have to work hard to have a place in society, that's just how it works"

Birthday: April 14th

Age: 18

Zodiac sign: Aries

Birthplace: Kagoshima

Household: Father, Mother, Older sister, Herself, Younger brother

Height: 170cm

Blood Type: Type AB

Motto: "Always do your best if you think it will be worth it"

What you think is your strenght: I'm reliable and often most mature among my peers.

What you think is your weakness: I'm quite of a cry baby (i am working on it, though...)

Food you like: Takoyaki

Food you dislike: Nattō (i still eat it often as it's good for you)

BEST companion for rice: fresh chili

Hobby: Studying, Window shopping

Season you like: Spring (the weather is nice)

Music you like: "SHIVER" by The GazettE

Movie you like: "Howl's moving Castle" by Studio Ghibli

Manga you like: Ouran Sakura Host Club

Character colour: Blood Red

Animal you like: Raccoons (aren't they adorable?)

Subject you're good at: Chemistry, Math

Subject you're not good at: P.E (I'm not suited for that kind of work, i'm always hurting afterwards)

Something that'll make you happy: Helping pepole, Seeing my friends happy, having the best grades out of my class during exams (it makes me so proud of myself)

something that'll make you sad: those pet videos online (why would i laugh at a cat falling from a window? what kind of things does this world find entertaining? it's so cruel.)

Your type: as long as they love me... (i like long hair in guys)

the first time you recieved a confession: i was ten and my best friend at the time got me chocolates. i rejected him and we weren't friends anymore after that.. (i feel guilty)

sleep time: 6.50 hours

what do you wash first in the shower: my neck and collarbone

what you end up unintentionally buying at the convenience store: yakisoba (i often don't have time to cook for myself), anko bean paste (hyoma likes karinto manju a lot, so sometimes i like to surprise him with some after school)

mushroom or bamboo shot: mushrooms, i like them grilled

what you cried about recently: a movie i watched on the tv just last tuesday, i can't remember the title but i had cried buckets

what would you do with 100 million yen: i'd give some to my family, and invest some in private classes. i would donate some money to hospitals as well.

how do you spend your days off: i study even on my days off (i like going to the arcade, i guess.)

[thegirlfromtheislands]

The day after we broke up, I went for a long walk and listened to sad love songs. I slept for two hours. It was raining. I remember walking into a grocery store and reading all the ingredients on items so I could find something else to think about. I cried all night. I wanted you to know that, but it was unfair to tell you because you didn't want to talk anymore. I didn't want to guilt trip you into staying with me, but I wanted you to stay.

While you moved along with your life, I wallowed. I sat in shame, embarrassment. What had I done wrong? What did I say? Maybe I should have made myself smaller, quieter, taken up less space? Or did you want more? Or do you just want someone different?

I returned to my room after hours of wandering around and looking for hopeful things to think about. I sat on my bed and watched the rain drops gently patter on my window. Rain drops made calming sounds as they hit on my window. They began as a little blob of water and split into two.

I was in love with you. I was so taken with the idea of you. Nothing and no one else could come in between that. Why can't we all just find someone to love and love us in return? Why is it always so hard? We give years away to someone who wraps the relationship up with a tidy bow and says goodbye.

I remember going to different cafes and sitting down with books and my work laptop and trying to make myself busy. My mind was running nonstop. I had so many different things going on in my head and you were the foundation of all my mental ramblings. My brain was trying to retell the story and give me new details so I wouldn't miss you so much. I tried to hate you, but you were really good to me.

It's hard to be in love with someone so kind who just wants to be with someone different. I would have given anything in the world to be the person you needed, but I am completely myself. I am talkative and energetic. I am also introverted and like my space, but never from you. I get emotional and I feel passionate about certain topics and I start talking too much right before bedtime and cooking videos keep me up at night. You are introspective and you like to keep a schedule. You feel passionate but you're also pragmatic.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be, but I hoped for it to work out so much that I felt my heart would change its shape because of the grief. I mourned the loss of our relationship.

Break ups can be so traumatic and life changing, but the recovery process makes you a new person. I'm kind of mad, I don't hate you, but I want you to know that I'll remember you fondly at some point in the future.