#that's also then 3 scream blogs ....... is that too excessive for me help

[brinaspellsbye]

@brinaspells @requelfame @killedbilly @fortrss

[system-of-a-feather]

@maxseidel​ Just putting it here so I can respond with this blog and not my personal blog (plus I felt like I had a few things to say on my opinion XD), but I wouldn’t say I “hate the DID community” - actually looking up I specifically said “ kinda dislike the DID community “ and dislike DIDtube which I briefly explained above. I dunno, I really could go on for a while about it. I don’t HATE the DID Community, because I do think it serves a purpose and a role. 

For DIDtube I could probably go on more about it, but that would require me remembering my thoughts on DIDtube from like 2 years ago and thats too much work.

As for the DID community, I just find a lot of it exhausting, a bit repetitive, and just too much of a hot mess for me to deal with and honesty I don’t think this is only “after the massive fallout that DissociaDID had!!!!” because yeah, it made it more obviously bad, but I’m pretty sure that even before then it was pretty hot of a mess.

As for it being repetitive, every post I see on the tags just seems to be the same like 20 things on repeat for the past few years I’ve been hanging around the community and its just really dull. I don’t want to be rude to asks that are comint to me, but the amount of “is this a thing” “is that a thing” “do you think I am a system” and just really dang repetitive asks just aren’t interesting anymore after being around for like... 3 or 4 years I think.

As for exhausting and being a hot mess...

Miss information travels around too easily, a lot of people talking about a lot of things with a lot of certainty that they really shouldn’t have while also thinking they “aren’t of that group”, a lot of people asking the same questions, a lot of people getting caught up on things that don’t really matter or that you *really* can’t answer with how much we know currently, a lot of people trying to constantly change everything and constantly talking about it, but not actually doing anything actively in life, and honestly - I don’t mean this in a way of “oh I’m better than everyone else” because no, I am part of it - it is obviously a group of traumatized people and people who are prone to tumultuous relationships as a whole sitting around each other.

That’s great as a peer support thing and it helps a lot during certain stages of recovery and healing, but you just see so many of all the problematic relationship styles, behavioral issues, and habits (that are expected and understandable to have with a history of a lot of trauma) so open and in the public and it gets exhausting to be emotionally invested into at any level. I’ve seen a lot of posts in the different DID Community corners that just scream codependency, trauma bonding, black and white idolizing, straight up manipulation, people taking things personally that really shouldn’t, and so much just excessive drama / reactivity that is 1) completely understandable for a group of traumatized folk but also 2) just not really a conducive and helpful environment at a certain point.

Secondly, I don’t really resonate / relate with probably like 98% of systems I see on the internet at this point - maybe lower it to like 75% for ones that I know I do / did relate to, but they don’t really reflect / match the current place I am with our healing journey since probably 23% actually feel like we have the same view / experience / place on things. I actually would almost wager to say the only system I’ve seen online that I kinda would say seems to be on a similar page to me is Multiplicity and Me but I don’t actually know them and they dont post a lot which is why I would say maybe.

For me / us, we are just kind of really detatched from the concept of “systems” as an identity or as this important huge thing to our life and we just kinda are living our life and a lot of the “sudden changes” “highs and lows” and “exciting” stuff that make “being a system” a feeling of an identity for us is just kind of.... boring and normal? Honestly we kind of forget not everyone just lives like this and so we just go by our new parts that may or may not appear, integrations that may or may not appear, relationships we make, etc just really like... casually. And a lot of the DID community talks A LOT about parts and splitting, and alter introductions, and cool / scary / weird / updates going on between parts and thats fair and understandable, but we just like.... don’t really care that much about it because we don’t really relate anymore to it being a big deal other than a large groan.

The other thing is that like, while we aren’t “planning final fusion” at this point, our system is VERY pro fusion in general and have good feelings towards parts that want to fuse, to fuse. We don’t really have that huge “oh no I would never want to fuse” feeling and all that fixation on how much we love each part really anymore. Like, everyone in the system is like a family to me and I couldn’t imagine any of them being “gone” but thats really not how integration / fusion works and I also know that it doesn’t do harm if done in a healthy manner.

And I think our general detatchment from the concept of parts, the attachment to staying seperate parts, the lack of a fear of fusion, and our overall positive regard to fusion has just kinda like.... really just ostracized us in general from the experience of others posted around - which is fine, because honestly, I don’t consider myself part of the DID community. I’m just some guy with a blog that talks about DID related stuff who has DID because honestly, even if I don’t care for the community, the topic is something I still enjoy exploring and discussing from time to time.

Additionally, there is all the weird stuff constantly going on - a lot of pet peeves that I’m not gonna list because they are things that annoy / bother me / get on my nerves / weird me out that AREN’T actually that bad / innately bad and my principle of “let people do what helps them” and all makes me really not intend to shame by stating my peeves on a public platform - but there are a lot of things that just doesn’t make sense to me.

Then there is ALL the weird shit about fictives / introjects and how objectified, blended with kin-culture, blended with fandom-culture, and just everything regarding THAT whole topic that is everywhere that I’m just tired of.

Then kinda going back to the first thing, our system is planning on going into research regarding something psychology related. We are currently in a research lab as a research assistant, then have the next like 7 or 8 years planned after graduation to end up going for a PhD and likely either studying specific disorders clinically (BFRB, OCD, and/or trauma disorders), memory, or animal behavior depending on how our interest develop over the next 3 years. Then on top of that, we specifically I am an annoying university student who really annoys all my professors for information and stuff and so like... research, how psychological research works, and the understanding of research is something that 1) really interests me 2) something I am spending / have spent a lot of time invested into 3) hold to a high regard and I’ve become really disillusioned with the scientific literacy of people and how much everyone handles stats, research data, and research as a whole.

I’m pretty sure I’m just in the pit of despair of scientific literacy / research and all, cause I don’t think I know shit either or how to handle things better so I’m putting a lot of effort to learning from people more experienced in the field with it - but a lot of online communities are bad at this and the DID community is really really bad at this - but I just constantly see so many people using it wrong, analyzing things wrong, generalizing very bad data horribly, and just displaying hte Dunning Kruger so hard that it just makes me groan really badly.

Then there is the WHOLE situation with our system in general not being really.... good at identifying or wanting to be part of anything / groups that is a whole complex trauma thing of its own, but in general people trying to represent us just is a general minor peeve / uncomfortable thing, so whenever someone says “DID community” it just gives us a bit of a repulsive “ugh you don’t represent me speak for yourself” feel, but thats kinda a minor things.

I probably left out a few things but I guess in short and in summary.

I’ve been around the community for like 3-4 years now and its gotten really repetivie, old, and uninteresting

Misinformation is just so stinking bad and everyone is talking out of their asses / entirely off of experience without making it clear that they are speaking entirely off of their experience and **DO NOT KNOW FOR A FACT IF THEY ARE SAYING THE TRUTH**

Everyone’s traumatized here and while it is expected, it shows in the form of a lot of problematic relationships publicly being shown, a lot of publicly bad interpersonal skills resulting in emotionally draining drama that is just too much sometimes, and just constant exposure to what is essentially a group of people kinda trauma bonding just doesn’t fit well with where I am in my healing.

I just don’t relate with almost all systems I’ve ever met here in how I live and experience DID plus we are pro-fusion and that just innately throws us in a weird place.

We are also detatched from the “intrigue” and emphasis of parts and everything regarding that

Pet peeves increasing in number over the past few years 

Fictive / Introject bullshit as a whole (I wouldn’t be shocked if I had 100+ blogs blocked for posting things either in this or in my pet peeves in the tags; not a personal thing, I just quickly block things that I go EH at)

Everyone’s lack of scientific literacy but also the simultaneous lack of awareness of their lack of scientific literacy + me being in Kruger’s pit of despair

Our system generally just dislikes / has trouble being part of communities as a whole and people trying to represent us.

Not expanded on, but really- Actually this is getting a whole closing paragraph (edit: *paragraphs) as it is probably my genuine number one reason.

Internet communities in general feel like a waste of time and energy for me. I’m sure there is an argument to be made for people who can only connect online, for people who need an escape, for the coordination of things and all, so I am specifically saying for myself since I do agree there is a time and place for it - but in my experience, internet communities don’t often put out half of the energy and effort they take in.

I started this blog originally wanting to be an advocate and discuss DID and help people, and I’m sure we have done that some, we actually have had people comment and send asks and explain the good this blog has made, which is why we keep it up partially - but I also do know that the amount of time, energy, and emotional / mental energy I put into this blog, had I redirected it to things in the real world, creating organizations locally, advocating and petitioning in my local mental health organizations, meeting up with people I can find who have trauma or are struggling, participating and preparing myself for hands on research that could greatly affect what we ACTUALLY know about psychology and all - I probably could have resulted in more progress to things that matter to me.

Online communities for me have a very severe case of diminishing returns. Me keeping a blog up, reblogging helpful things, informative things, and occasionally sharing updates in a genuine crude and natural way does almost the same amount of positive as me identifying with the community and involving myself and keeping on top of all the topics. 

In person, real world, real life things are opposite. A lot of change in the real in person world takes A LOT of investment, but the results tend to go up for a while before it really becomes “diminishing returns”. If I were to min-max what matters to me and actually making a difference, online communities are a distractor for me beyond minimal maintence and so to some personal level, I find the “DID Community” annoying because it is a red herring for my goals and what I want to achieve and do with the things that matter most.

I’m a busy person (cept not right now since I’m enjoying my two weeks with my fiance) and there is A LOT of things I want to do in life (as a whole) and being part of the DID Community - before literally ANYTHING ELSE - is a huge time sink and I found that a lot of the energy and time I put into it in the past was in large a pretty big net loss and I think to the core that is the fundamental main reason I dislike it.

I dunno, I really could go on for a while about it. I don’t HATE the DID Community, because I do think it serves a purpose and a role. I do respect those that like it / need it and it did help me in the past when I was figuring things out, but kinda like realizing your mom that genuinely did her best but still hurt you, I do have something of a distaste for large parts of it.

I do still hang around cause I respect the community as a group of survivors and do like to contribute a bit to those that are using this to get through a hard place and figure things out, and I do have a number of mutuals, plus I don’t think occasionally sharing things when I feel like it is much of an investment. The DID Community does do some good, but personally I just don’t reallllly get too much good from it at this point so I’m not the largest fan.

-Riku (Host)

[theuntamednarrator]

Thank you @mika--82​ for the question! I’m sorry it took so long but since I really enjoyed plotting out my Cangse Sanren lives au, and I think a lot about the women in The Untamed who didn't get to see their children grow up, strap in for round two of TB Revives the Mothers of the Untamed. This week's episode: Save Mama Lan by killing Lan Qiren \^.^/

(Many thanks to @drwcn​ for letting me borrow her hc names for Mama Lan (Qui Baiti) and Papa Lan (Lan Cenrong). You can read more about them on her blog here and here.)

(Warning for an unsuccessful suicide attempt)

QBT has been isolated in the Jingshi for a decade. She only sees her sons once a month, she isn’t allowed her sword, and her spiritual power is kept sealed

But LWJ inherited his stubbornness from his mum and she's determined to escape, one way or another

LQR is walking by the Jingshi when he feels a massive surge of energy and breaks his first ever Discipline (no running in Cloud Recesses)

He wrenches the Jingshi door open and sees an array that wouldn't look out of place two decades in the future in an alternate universe in a dingy shed behind Mo Manor

LQR breaks his second Discipline in as many minutes (do not make excessive noise) when he screams for his brother before he grabs QBT and drags her out of the array

LQR didn't have time to think, let alone study what the effects of that might be, all he knew was that it was killing her, and that her death would kill the brother he loves more than anything else

The backlash strikes him and he keels over

QBT gathers him up, sobbing and asking why he did it, she wanted to die, why did you do it Lan-er-gongzi? what were you thinking? Your brother loves you

LQR meets his brother’s eyes as he appears over her shoulder, the terrified disciples flanking him a white blur

He smiles and says I know

Curtains on LQR

(alternatively, we can just kill JGS again because ngl that was real satisfying the first time around)

Now the Elders are in a pickle because this may have been an accident but QBT has now been responsible for the deaths of an Elder and Second Young Master Lan

It's decided that the only option is exile

QBT is forbidden from setting foot in Cloud Recesses and the territories of Gusu Lan for ten year and forbidden from speaking to any Lan disciple during that time

She bows, accepts back the plain sword she had yielded when she came through the gates to be married, and is gone before the dawn. LCR watches her leave and then goes to wake their sons

Now, QBT was a wandering cultivator long before she was Lan-furen and actually really enjoys returning to life on the road

I wandered once! I can do it again!

Five years later she meets XXC battling a ferocious demon snake and together they defeat it

QBT definitely doesn’t feel her heart beat a little faster at the youthful face, white robes, and elegant jade-and-silver sword

She answers XXC's graceful bow with one of her own and the two spend a week clearing out the fierce nests of demons on the mountain

The next time their wandering brings them together she is introduced to my good friend Song Lan and hides her smile in her sleeve

Meanwhile in Cloud Recesses without LQR to pick up the slack LCR is forced to step out of seclusion and actually run his sect and parent his children

He does a very good job

QBT has to fight back proud tears every time she hears Twin Jades of Lan spoken of with awe

Ten years to the day of her exile QBT is grinning as she climbs the long flights of stairs towards the gates of Cloud Recesses

Part of that might be the entertaining company she walks with

A young man clutching two bottles of Emperor's Smile and talking so fast she’s only half listening while she tries to figure out if he’s actually taken a breath since introducing himself

Talking at breakneck speed of the young master who had been so strict with him at the gates, aiya Auntie! He was so cold! you should have seen his stony face

QBT only grins harder as WWX climbs the wall, is challenged, and blades flash over tiles (it might bring back fond memories of her own youth)

She slips over the wall while they are distracted and once WWX is silenced she reaches out her hand

You handle your sword beautifully, may I?

LWJ can't even say why - it's too dark to see her face and the voice is roughened after 10 years on the road - but he hands Bichen over without a second thought

She sighs as she runs a finger over the blade and the steel glows, lighting up her face (solely because I think glowy Bichen is very sexy and we should have had more of it in the drama honestly)

Bichen suits you better than it ever suited me, ZhanZhan 

LWJ is emoting all over the place (so embarrassing)

(luckily his back is to WWX because if baby disaster bi WWX saw that smile he would've died on the spot)

WWX of course is still a troublemaking rule breaker and LWJ is still charged with overseeing his punishment

QBT and LXC are united in their LWJ should make friends agenda and LXC inherited his sense of humour and delight for teasing LWJ from QBT

Between the two of them LWJ soon has more friends than he knows what to do with

QBT and LXC co-captain the good ship Wangxian

Of course plot stuff still happens including accidental-marriage-before-a-Quest-Ghost

XXC and SL meet them in Yueyang and when LWJ introduces himself they're thrilled because hey we know your mum! she’s real cool!

They don't trust the clans and they might've heard of NMJ but they know Qui-jiejie and they trust her and so they decide XY will go to Cloud Recesses for judgement

N-wow the twin jades are really deserving of their reputations-HS insists on a Qinghe representative going too

oh me? no no Wei-xiong this has been quite enough adventure for me. Meng Yao you'll go won't you? Dage trusts you and Lan-gongzi admired your *delicate cough* capability *innocent smile*

my.blush.com/embarrassed/yearning agrees

QBT is delighted to see XXC and SL again and happily introduces them to her elder son

SL and LXC almost immediately get into a heated debate over ahistorical fantasy chinese philosophy and/or politics and are instantly bonded

QBT may or may not have instigated said debate with a well-timed quote from a well-known (re: divisive) text

Basically QBT shares my get LXC more friends agenda

SL is, again, the first person (apart from LXC and his parents) to laugh at LWJ's jokes

WWX still refuses to believe this actually happened (the joke and SL laughing) (XXC swears it’s true)

XY is locked in the back hills and eventually a) dies trying to use his hidden piece of the yin iron to break the seals OR b) is rehabilitated by the power of bunnies and become an outer disciple (reader's choice!)

XXC and SL accompany WWX and JC part of the way to Lotus Pier

Cloud Recesses is attacked, QBT and LCR send LXC and MY away with the sacred texts, MY promising he knows somewhere safe to hide

LWJ refuses to leave his parents. The losses are not as bad as in canon, the Wen are beaten back, but LCR and LWJ are both injured

No Good Very Bad Summer Camp with World's Worst Head Counselor WC

No Good Very Bad Turtle Cave of Love

WWX wakes post-rescue with LWJ still there

(Because his parents are holding Cloud Recesses and he knows LXC is safe so he doesn't need to rush off)

JZX, JC, LWJ, and WWX spend a day planning before they split up

(this is hilarious and JC says "fuck" not less than 219 times)

(WWX only almost punches JZX and it only happens twice honestly people should be grateful! he was so restrained!!)

They all return home, LWJ promising to bring reinforcements from Cloud Recesses to Lotus Pier (because it's the most obvious next target. no other reason. just. strategically it makes sense)

WQ sends WN to Lotus Pier to warn WWX when WZL's forces are on their way

When the Wen attack, they're met with a prepared force of 1) YZY and the Jiang Disciples 2) QBT, LWJ, and a contingent of Lan Disciples AND 3) JC and WWX and a gaggle of archers (seriously why tf show the Jiang being so good and then only give us two archery fight scene moments and it’s heart breaking sixth young master jiang dying and some rando ouyang disciple shooting WWX?)

Things get a little hairy but between YZY and QBT they defeat WZL and the rest of the Wen quickly surrender

JFM and JYL arrive just as the battle is ending, escorted by Madam Jin, JZX, LQY, and all the Jin Disciples who were at Cloud Recesses

(WWX: MianMian you came you must have been so worried about me! LQY, ignoring him: Lan-er-gongzi are you okay? WWX: ah Lan Zhan you MianMian really likes you! that’s lucky! LWJ, screaming internally: mn)

(JGS was furious when JZX announced he was joining the campaign but what could he possibly say in front of his battle ready wife without looking like the utter coward of a wet biscuit he is)

Once again WWX is left with a screaming sword, too much curiosity, and too much time on his hands (due to his adopted family being not-dead)

But worse he has now also access to a woman who created an array powerful enough to kill even with her spiritual power sealed

Poor WRH doesn't stand a chance, even without MY spying for the Sunshot Campaign

After the battle QBT&LCR and YZY&JFM shut JGS's bullshit power grab down real quick and JGS sulks like the baby he is (probably in a brothel) while Madam Jin and JZX take over Lanling Jin

JZX hears about MY and the way he helped LXC and NMJ sends a letter of support and JZX is already quite jealous of all these sibling bonds and welcomes Ziyao with open arms

(All of which goes slightly to waste when JZY marries out to the Lan clan slightly less than a year later but hey, at least it's a good alliance.)

WQ takes over the Wen Clan but tears down Nightless City and relocates the capital to Dafan

(WQ: have you been to Nightless City? It’s built on an active volcano. Do you know how bad sulfur ash is for open wounds? Do you know what medical herbs grow in lava slurry? None is the answer. My family are all fucking morons)

(WQ: Not you a-Ning you’re a delight and we’re thrilled you’re here)

Rumour has it a certain immortal was so impressed with the stories of the medical techniques of Dafan Wen that she paid WQ a visit

(Disciples are so reckless after all! One never knows when one might need to be capable of transplanting vital organs!)

Each year WWX and LWJ spend 3 months at Gusu, 3 months at Lotus Pier, and 6 months wandering with XXC and SL

They get "fake married" no less than four times in three years (for the investigation xiongzhang! absolutely no other reason shishu! no other reason at all!) before LXC, MY, XXC, and SL get fed up and barricade them in their room until they talk to each other dammit

(LXC is very grateful MY has gotten so handy with the silencing talismans because the 'conversation' gets uncomfortably loud real quick)

Side note to say Clarity works very well to avert a qi deviation when it's not being actively corrupted, thanks very much, and NMJ lives many, many, many years which would be entirely happy if only NHS would pick up his saber once in a while

He would tell NHS this if he could ever find him

Happy ending!³

[a-forgotten-spirit]

Love Isn’t An Illusion (4)

Pairing: Todoroki x Bakugou, Todoroki x Reader x Bakugou, VERY SLOW BUILD

Summary: Training with the class, dealing with Mineta, waiting for parents and then studying with the class. 

Words: +-6500

Warnings: bad parents, the video about saving Stain, training, using reader quirk during training, Mineta, changing rooms, tight clothing for hero costume, making an illusion in the boys changing room to yell at Mineta, talking to Todoroki, crying, sad, fighting with parents, slight breakdown, excessive/destructive studying, being yelled at by parents, anxiety, depression, not sleeping.

Tagged:  @kittycatspervertedheart​ @lemorrite​ @gwendlynn​ @marleps​ @thicctati2​ @saitamastamaticsoup​ @succulent-momma​ @aurorahoneybuns​ @imjusttireddudes​ @misconceptualised​ @ochabby​ @katsukisuwus​ @gayverlinq​ @star-witchs-blog​ @fallbb123 

A/N:  I wrote this for the fans. I do not own My Hero academia or the characters, I don’t own most of the plot for this story, I had watched the show and re-written the dialogue and plot as if the reader was the main character. Everything is centred around the reader. Please comment, makes me happy. Ask if you wish to be tagged. 

Masterlist

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4

The week was over, though I hadn’t slept in days. Stain and I’s conversation running through my head like a mantra, I heard some of my other classmates had helped in areas around the city, I was happy for them. I didn’t want to go back to school, not while I was like this, coming home was nothing major. My parents ignored me still caught up about how I hadn’t gone to those interviews, not that I cared for what they thought anymore. I know I wasn’t meant to use my quirk without permission in school or out of school for that matter but as I walked through the school I made it seem like I wasn’t there. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I had gotten messages and a few calls from Deku but not right now. 

Coming into the room I sat down making sure to not bump into anyone and listening to everyone's conversations. Both Sero and Kirishima were laughing at Bakugou, from what I had heard he was interning at ‘Best Jeaniest’s’ agency number four hero was extremely impressive. They were laughing at his hair, slicked down and neat, not the usual explosive hair he had. I thought it was cute but I did much prefer the raging hair, it suited him far more than this. 

“Stop laughing, my hair has gotten used to this and I can’t get it back the right way. Did you not hear me, I’ll kill you both” he was shaking as the words grit out of his mouth, I couldn’t imagine just how much product was in his hair right now. His hand was open and ready for one step too far from the boys and I was sure he would kill them. 

“I’d like to see you try pretty boy” Sero laughed out, mouth open wide and eyes bulging from his head. It was nice to know Bakugou did have friends, he may be very high and mighty but I couldn't imagine other people in the class saying those things and getting away with it. 

“What did you call me” and just like that his hair was back and spiky as usual. I liked his spiking hair, going in every single direction and not caring for looks. Even though he suited the style. My hand came to lightly play with my hair H/C locks smooth and silky to the touch. I don’t think I could pull off that hair but it was nice to look at, I wonder what it felt like. He seemed to take immense care of himself so I didn’t doubt his hair would be skipped. 

“Awesome, you got to face actual villains. I’m super jealous” my eyes moved from the still laughing duo and an angry screaming Bakugou to Mina. She was smiling and looking at Jirou, she helped those people in the hostage situation I had heard.

“Well, I didn’t fight. All I did was help people evacuate” I was going to speak up but my voice was caught. She shouldn’t belittle her internship, it was a lot to even do that. When you’re in such a situation, you do what you have too even if it is only escorting people to safety. “And provide logistical support” it was still more than some, she should be proud. Her voice was quiet and she was playing with her earphone jack, twirling it around her finger. 

“Still sounds like so much fun” Mina was leaning over the table as she called this fact out. She was always so happy and upbeat. I wondered what that felt like, to be so excited for like and things. Sure I was excited to be a hero but with that conversation still running through my mind, it was still a lot to take on. 

“I spent the whole time training and cleaning the ship deck,” Tsu thought out loud, her finger placed against her chin as the two other girls listened in. “Oh there was this one day we caught a bunch of drug smugglers,” she said it so calmly that I almost laughed. The two girls seemed to freeze, mouths open and shocked looks. “What about you Ochako, how was your week” when I turned to see Uraraka tense and looking ready to fight I too stopped in my tracks. 

“I’d say it was very enlightening” her voice was so cold and I swear to whoever could hear me she had this menacing purple glow around her. She was in a fighting stance then began to punch the air. She must’ve had a very good week if she was so in the zone on a Monday morning. 

“I think she found her fighting spirit” Tsu croaked out. I couldn’t agree more, she looked so ready and I wished I could have seen her train. Maybe joined in, not to say my training wasn’t enough. It was more than enough, Snipe and I bonded and got to know each other. I hoped he would still like me later on down the track for more internships. 

“Yeah, that battle hero must have been something else” I had to agree with that statement. He seemed nice enough even though Gunhead was a big guy and the name suggested a powerhouse. I had spoken to him and he seemed kind and compassionate, just what Uraraka needed. 

“After one week she’s like a totally different person” Kaminari pointed put hands out on the table and looking to be leaning away from where the girl was punching the air, the aura still moving around her. She wasn’t different, just more focused I thought. 

“Different. Don’t be fooled Kaminari” Mineta waved his finger back and forth in front of them but then, his eyes widened and he licked his lips a scowl coming to face “All women are demons at heart they just hide their true personalities behind pretty faces” he whispered out. His teeth were chattering and he was shaking?

“What did Mount Lady do to you” Kaminari questioned, gripping the smaller boys arms in a firm grip bringing him back to reality “Everyone at my internship loved me. It was kinda great” I enjoyed my internship even with all the inconveniences and the little mishap partway through the week. “Now if you wanna talk about the ones who changed was those three” Kaminari pointed to Iida, Midoriya and Todoroki conversing at the back of the room “and Y/N” 

“Oh yeah the Hero Killer, did you guys see the video that kept getting taken down. Y/N saved him” Sero pointed out, Bakugou having a tight grip on the boys collar his other hand occupied with Kirishima. 

“I’m glad you guys and Y/N made it back alive. Seriously” Kirishima sighed out, he looked so calm even though Bakugou had him by the collar though he didn’t seem to be short of breath so he wasn’t choking him which was good. 

“I worried for you too” the soft voice of Yaoyorozu spoke out, everyone moved to the back of the classroom and I was nervous someone would bump into me at my desk, no one did. 

“It was a good thing Endeavor showed up and saved you guys. Y/N too, her quirk is super powerful. I saw that she stood between Midoriya and the Hero Killer” Sato's voice seemed to be deep but also light in a way. Strange but I liked it, it was calming. 

“So cool” Toru wiggled around, her clothes moved as she moved her hands. Her voice sounded like she was interested and seemingly up to date on the topic. It was hard to gauge an emotion or expression with no face to look at. “Just what I’d expect from the number two hero” even though he had done nothing and it was all a cover-up, not that they could hear me. 

Todoroki’s eyes fell just as his head did “Yeah, that’s right” he wasn’t very good at lying, he looked uncomfortable and on edge. He had to learn how to lie properly, no one batted an eye but I could see the truth. My heart fluttered knowing I could see the difference. “He saved us” no he didn’t but, just something they had to let go. I got videoed and we couldn’t lie about that. Plus that mysterious video someone taped and posted. 

“Did you guys hear the news about the Hero Killer” my ears perked and my eyes left the dual coloured ones of Todoroki and turned to Ojiro instantly. What was he talking about, what news? Had he broken out? “Everyone has been saying he’s somehow connected to the league of villains” I froze, he couldn’t be right? He seemed far to prideful to work with them. He was on a mission, he went on about ridding the world of fake heroes, he wouldn’t associate with them but then again the Nomu were there at the same time. “Can you imagine how frightening it would have been if that creep was there when they attacked the USJ” I didn’t want to think about it if I was honest. I didn’t like thinking about that day. Though he only went after heroes, I don’t think he would have done much damage to us more so the teachers. 

“He’s scary, yeah but, did you see him in that weird video” again the video was brought up. I hated that video, it showed me helping him. My ear to his chest and then as I tried to help him. I had watched it so many times, every time it came up I watched it at least five times. Not that the real thing wasn’t constantly playing on a loop in my head. “It’s all over the internet. Stains’ a pretty evil villain but super tenacious, he’s almost kinda cool don’t you guys think” Kaminari pointed out. No, no I didn’t think that at all. He was crazy, totally and utterly bonkers. Mnirodriya called his name and it seemed to snap him back “Oh dude” his mouth was covered as he looked to Iida. 

“No, it’s fine. He is quite a tenacious villain. I understand why people might think he was cool but, instead of helping the world his views lead him to cold-blooded murder. No matter his motive killing cannot be condoned” Iida was right, it doesn’t matter your views or thoughts on anything you can’t kill people and everything will be fine. That’s not how the world works nor should it would like that at all. “To keep anyone else from suffering like me. Well” his arm was up straight and his voice rose to shout the next words “I promise, I will strive to be the perfect hero” I was glad he was getting back to his normal self again. He looked up to his brother so much, so many people did. 

“Speaking of recent events. Where’s Y/N she’s usually here before most people” Kaminari voiced and then looked around as did everyone. I sighed and let the illusion fall, all eyes turned to me instantly. “Wait have you been there the whole time” he shouted. 

“Sorry” I whispered and looked down scratching the back of my head, “Said recent events were quite a lot and it’s taken some time to” I paused and moved my hands around “Accept them” I saw a few nods. 

“You were in the middle of the city fight, weren’t you. I saw the videos of you taking down the Nomus’” Jirou turned and smiled. I nodded slowly and then came the yelling. Mina hadn’t seen the videos and was yelling that she was quite jealous of my activities. 

“Yeah, I was Snipe’s sidekick for a week. I told all the heroes that wanted me. I wanted to be treated like a hero not a tool for a week” again more yelling and questioning. Most said they thought I was kidding when I left the first time. I couldn’t blame them. “I trained and went on patrol. Even keeping a villain alive, it was a long week” I closed my eyes and smiled. No one other than the three boys at the back of the room knew I had, had a personal conversation with the said villain. I wanted to keep it that way. 

“Well now everyone. Class is about to begin” Iida shouted and I mouthed a thank you, I was met with a firm nod. I didn’t want to talk about it, it was quite a lot to deal with especially alone. I would manage. Everyone made their way to their respected seats quickly still quietly chatting away. Though Iida continued to shout. 

We were asked to change into our hero costumes and I was so excited. Sure some had seen it but I loved the new look. The iridescent colours and smoke looking mask. I loved it all. All Might was teaching us today and I smiled walking out of the changing room. I got a few looks and I walked down to the training area, my hips swaying and a smile on my face. 

“I am here” All Might shout loud and clear for everyone to hear, his hands on his hips. I hoped that one day I could shout something like that and everyone wouldn’t be scared. Everyone would know I was there to help. “I hope you are ready to return to lessons. Today it’s hero basic training, it feels like I haven’t seen you in a while” he wasn’t wrong it had been quite some time. A week at least though I had spoken to him once when I was dropping off something at the end of my internship. “Welcome back. Now listen carefully to what’s in store, we are going to be conducting a little race. Taking everything you’ve learned from your internships and applying it to this rescue training” he explained. Rescue training I admit was important but I didn’t like it at all. I wasn’t good with words and people annoyed me quite a bit but it was part of being a hero. 

“If it’s rescue training shouldn’t we be at the USJ instead” Iida yelled hand straight in the air. He still had bandages on and the memory that he might have permanent damage ran through my mind. He was always so confident and pointed out things, I had to thank him some time for talking so much that the teachers didn’t pick on me. 

“That facility specialises in disasters. As I said earlier this is a race” the way he spoke those last few words, head tilted down and smile wide I got nervous. Were we racing him because if so, I was going to quite enjoy making myself invisible and running away? “So prepare, you are about to step inside field gamma. Inside is an area full of factories, an intricate labyrinth. Good luck finding your way around. You’ll be competing in groups of five, each group starts on the outskirts of the model city. I’ll send out a distress signal and you do what you must to come to save me. Whoever finds me first, wins. But try to keep the property damage to a bare minimum please” I laughed lightly as his eyes changed from looking at all of us to only looking at Bakugou who was now looking away a scowl etched on his face. His quirk was strong, very strong but his quirk was also destructive which was a problem.

“Tch, why are you pointing at me?” Bakugous’ voice was low and croaky. He was offended by the poor thing. He was looking away not even bothering to make eye contact as I smiled laughing silently. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his anger. 

“Alright first group get to your places” and then we were off. Splitting up. Deku, Sero, Mina, Iida and Ojiro. The rest of us were moved in front of a TV screen where we could watch the playthrough. I had to learn everyone's attacks and weaknesses...for future reference of course. 

Everyone began to talk about who they believed was going to get to All Might first. Sero was at an advantage of simply being able to go over the buildings. Mina couldn’t destroy a lot, Midoriya I wasn’t too sure about. Ojiro could jump around and Iida was fast so they all had fast quirks. This would be something very interesting to watch. 

I ignored what everyone was saying. I needed to pay attention, I had to watch them closely in case they made us do it again and we had to fight them myself. I needed to watch them. Once it began Sero was the first to fly off, just like I predicted above everything. Then Mina skidded along the top of the buildings, she was fast. Ojiro on his tail and then Iida running along the ground. This was going to be a race of speed not so much anything else. Then out of nowhere came Midoriya, quick and jumping around on top of everyone. He looked like Bakugou and bit and from the angered look on his face he knew it too. Then he fell. The match was over quickly, Sero won just like I said. He knew his quirk too well and the fact he could easily maneuver through the place was definitely on his side. This was important to remember all their strengths. 

I was in the last group. I was up against Bakugou, Todoroki, Uraraka and Tsu. We were on the outskirts and I smirked. This would be easy, when we were allowed to go I watched as everyone began to quickly run off to get to All Might. I looked at the Camera and waved, then sent out an illusion, Cameras could only see the illusion. 

“Where did All Might go” I was running along a bridge to his spot, quick and fast. “Dammit Y/N” I could hear Bakugou yell then more explosions. The rules never stated I couldn’t use my quirk to confuse them. I was running full speed as I ran towards All Might who was smiling at me. 

Jumping down I let the illusion fade and down I was in front of him as the others landed and I got the sash. “Your quirk is so good” Uraraka looked down painfully her arms swinging by her sides as she sighed. “I thought I had a chance” 

“Sorry” I called out and leaned to one side. I could see the angered face of Bakugou as I smiled at him, he huffed and I shrugged. “I like to win” was the last thing I said as the class was over. I let everyone walk along another bridge with me so they didn’t have to walk the whole way to the entrance.

Jumping off I was met with congratulations, soon after we were sent to the changing rooms. I stretched as I walked, my hips swaying. An unfortunate side effect of wearing a skintight suit. I sighed out bringing my arms down and rolling my neck. I had gotten complimented on my new outfit and I flushed instantly. Sure I expected someone to notice but the way Toru went on about how pretty it was and how good I looked, then Mina and Tsu added in their thoughts and then it was all the girls. I couldn’t help but blush. 

In the changing rooms, I was getting undressed when I saw all the girls crowd around a little hole. I tilted my head walking over as I pulled my skirt up to my legs not having put my shirt on. I watched as Jirous’ earphone jack went straight through the hole. I could hear Mineta talk about what he wanted to see and I grimaced. I was guessing Jirou hit something at the scream we all heard. 

“Thanks, Kyoka” Toru spat out. I was so disgusted that the little pervert would try something like that. I could hear Iida going off at him and I didn’t think it was enough, he shouldn’t be in this course if this is how he acted. Jirou had her hands around her body as if to somehow cover herself. 

“Despicable, we will close up this hole immediately” Yaoyarozu huffed out, she had a very angry look on her face and I was sure my face mirrored hers. I was pissed, how low did he have to be to try something like that. 

“I’ll have it closed, for now, you can get changed Jirou. He can’t see in” I was met with a smile and then used an illusion to block the hole. “Just give me a moment” I whispered and then heard a scream as an illusion came into the boys' locker room, I could see if I wanted to but instead I only created the illusion. 

“You are honestly disgusting” I looked to Mineta, the illusion was clothed, I made sure to put that in as I looked down at the boy who was still standing in front of the hole. “If you ever try something like that again, I will personally make sure you know the full extent of my quirk” with those words the illusion faded. 

“Good one. Can you see through it” Uraraka asked and I flushed immediately as I moved to place on my shirt. I wasn’t looking at any of them and I couldn’t blame her for asking. 

“If I think hard enough yes. But an illusion isn’t me so no I didn’t see anything though I would have liked to do a bit more damage than yelling if I'm honest” I smiled and heard a group of laughter as I buttoned up my shirt before tucking it into my skirt. The skirt was shorter then I would have liked but that was a price I had to pay by not trying it on before I bought it. It was of a decent length and no one could see anything but paranoia was a key factor.  

-

Soon it was the end of the day and I was off on my way home. It was afternoon as I walked out of the main building and looked at my phone seeing a message. “Picking you up, wait” that was the only thing my mother had written. I was going to tell her not to worry but I knew it would just lead to drama and most likely another fight. Moving to a side bench I sat down and then waited. I continued to wait and wait and wait. An hour and a half later I was now staring at the parking lot waiting for my mother to arrive. 

“Y/N” I heard and turned and saw Todoroki standing behind me, book bag in hand and staring at me confused. I looked to Todoroki trying to see any emotion “Why are you still here, school ended hours ago” he commented. I could ask him the same thing. 

“Oh, well, you see” I stuttered, should I lie. Should I say I'm in an after school group, no he might ask which one. He could see my hesitance and my words fell “My mother told me to wait” I whispered and looked down to my phone. All the messages were delivered but none had been replied too. “I’m sure she’s just caught up with something” even though I could hear the lie in my tone. 

He heard it too as I nodded and looked back to my phone “Do you want me to wait with you” I felt like my heart stop. He was so nice, yet so quiet. I had seen him lose his cool though, at the hospital. I moved to meet his eyes “I’m happy too” he spoke as I looked down again.

I considered it, it was lonely and I needed to make friends. What was I thinking, I softly shook my head “No” I breathed out, licking my lips, shaking my head as I fakely smiled “No, it’s ok. You go home” I tried to smile again but it was small and didn’t reach my eyes. 

“Are you ok?” he asked and I tilted my head confused “You’re crying” I paused my hand coming to my eyes, I was indeed crying. Tears fell down my face as he moved to sit next to me. I quickly wiped my eyes. 

This was so embarrassing “I’m so sorry” I whispered trying to desperately stop crying in front of him. This was extremely awkward and my eyes hurt a little after as I rubbed them harshly. “It’s just been a long week is all” I smiled. 

“There’s no need to apologise. It’s ok to cry” no it wasn’t, it was not ok to cry especially in front of a classmate you’ve had one conversation with. I was so embarrassed I could feel my hands shake, I put them in my lap so he wouldn’t see. “You don’t have a good relationship with your parents do you” I looked at him quickly, he had a face as he understood and I sighed out and nodded. “I don’t either” he was always so honest not thinking twice about his words “I saw how your mother treated you after the festival” I nodded slowly. 

“Yeah” I whispered dismissively “She’s just got a lot on and is always busy” I rubbed my shoulder subconsciously “She doesn’t mean it, I don’t think” my fingers dug into my skin as I nodded and tried to hold back my tears “She’s just” I paused and then let the air leave my lungs. “Her”. 

“My dad isn’t the best” he admitted and I nodded agreeing. We spoke for a while, just talking and getting to know each other. It was fun to just talk to Todoroki. I found out he likes Cold Soba and wants to be the top hero to throw it in his dad's face. 

“You should head off, it’s getting dark and I don’t want you going home when it is dark. My mother will be here soon, I'm sure of it” a little bit more persuading and he was off walking out of the school. Teachers left as I sat there and waited. 

It was dark now and I was running low on battery as I tried to pass the time. I wasn’t worried as I was still on school grounds though I was getting angrier by the second now that most of the parking lot was empty. Then after almost four hours of waiting her car shows up, getting into the car I notice new nails and dyed hair. 

“Did you go to the salon?” I asked as she began to drive off. No, I just hadn’t been paying attention right? I looked back seeing bags in the back seat, she just grabbed a few things earlier today on her break. Yeah, she wouldn’t make me wait four hours for no reason. 

“Yes and” she commented brushing her hair behind her ear. We made it out of the parking lot as I was trying to reel in my anger, I could feel it rolling off me in waves. I was about two seconds away from losing my mind. 

“So you made me wait at school for four extra hours, when I could've gotten home by myself, to what” I began throwing my arms around but making sure to not go on her side. I may be angry but I didn’t want her to crash. “Piss me off. Why would you make me wait if I could’ve just gone home” my voice was loud and I was yelling. 

This started an argument, both of us yelling and her making excuse after excuse for no good reason. “I had shit to do Y/N” that didn’t excuse it. I hadn’t asked her to pick me up. I was fuming, my eye twitching “Besides I’m doing something nice for you, be grateful” she snapped her hair beginning to move. 

“Grateful” I whispered “Grateful” I screamed, we were at a red light as she turned to me “Be grateful for having to wait four hours. My teachers and peers are looking at me in pity. Be grateful for you not talking to me for a week, what else should I be grateful for” I yelled my hands rising above my head “Please enlighten me” I finished and her hair was now moving around in the air, she was pissed but by god, I was about ready to pull the car onto the other side of the road. She turned to the road ignoring me “Wow would you look at that” I commented.

The rest of the drive was silent, as soon as the car stopped I grabbed my things opening the door and then slamming it harshly a loud bang is heard and yell from my mother. I opened the front door and my dad was angry already. How amazing. 

“Where have you been?” he shouted and came to stand in front of me, chest puffed and nose flaring “I have been waiting for hours. No message, no call. Who were you with” I was about to talk when he stomped his foot “Tell me this second”

I was past my caring limit, past angry and past hysteria. I was so livid “Your wife made me wait at school for four hours while she went out shopping. If you were so worried, message me yourself for a change” as she walked in the door bags in hand I growled as she too began to scream at me. “Enough” I screamed and shook the house. My quirk running into my voice, both stilled. “Enough. I’m over this, I have had an extremely long week and I don’t want to deal with the two of you right now” with those words I stormed to my room. 

Putting up a sound barrier, my quirk did work wonders sometimes. I screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Placing myself into an endless box, I flipped and broke things that came to mind. When I was a little calmer I let the box fade as I sighed out. My room was fine, no damage done. I was livid, I was over this house. Over my parents caring only for themselves. I couldn’t bear it. I had to calm down. I had to be calm. I sighed and then got changed into something more comfortable. 

Falling onto my bed with a huff I was glad I had locked the door as I was not in the least bit presentable at this given moment, hair a mess and only wearing a jumper and underwear with socks. I hadn’t studied at all today, lifting myself from the bed I moved to my desk getting my books and pens ready. 

I had muted the class group chat but when I got a notification on it I knew someone had said my name. Putting in the thumbprint I moved to look at the message. It wasn’t just me, it was ‘@everyone’ Kaminari was asking for help. Within seconds he had gotten a few replies. I was the top student in the class, something I had to keep. 

Putting on some light music I hummed along while I studied. Pages upon pages as I sat at my desk, the music changing and shuffling. I made sure to put on the ‘Calm’ list when studying. Mellow music with calm beats and slow lyrics. I loved it, it helped to stay focused. I skipped dinner, something I had been doing the last few days. When I considered myself done it was well past midnight and I knew I had to awaken in only a few hours. I had been overworking myself the past few days both physically and mentally. 

Getting up from my desk I stretched my back and then turned off the light. Heading to bed for at least a few hours. This routine went on for a while, I was getting more and more tired. I was showing up on time but later and later until I was walking in with Aizawa. I was using all my effort to participate and pay attention in class. I had helped Todoroki and Midoriya study a few times, Kirishima, Sero and Kaminari tagging along then it turned into a half a class thing. 

“Y/N you have such neat notes” Kaminari complimented and with hooded and under shaded eyes I thanked him. I helped whoever needed it, I began talking to them more often and even Bakugou had tagged along. I ended up helping him a few times even though I played it off as he was helping me for the others. 

“How does someone have the mental capacity to take these kinda notes in class and then study” Mina called out throwing her arms in the air and her head falling back with a cry. I was sitting next to Bakugou and Todoroki, I should say in the middle of them when I received a call. 

I didn’t even look at the caller as I tiredly answered “Hello” it was silent for a few moments as I yawned and held the bridge of my nose. I could see everyone being quiet as I waited for a reply. 

“Where are you” came a scream and I could see I was getting a few stares. With a confused glance and pulling the phone from my ear, I looked at the caller ID and saw it was my mother. I nodded slowly and put it back. “Answer me” she screamed. 

“I am at a study group with people from my class” I answered calmly, I didn’t have the energy to deal with her today. I hadn’t slept in days and my anxiety was through the roof at this point. “I told you I was going, you said and I quote ‘I couldn’t care less’” I didn’t care who could hear I was tired and on my last brain cells of living. 

“Don’t expect me to pick you up” she shouted, it sounded like she was in the car. I put my hand up to the class and stood, stumbling over a little way away from the table to have this conversation somewhat private. 

“I didn’t” I answered and leaned against a wall, not quite able to hold myself up at this given point of time. I sighed out and rolled my eyes as the yelling continued. 

“What time will you be home” as I was about to answer I heard a beep “Idiot” so she was driving, I rubbed my eyes just trying to keep them open. “Answer me” another scream and I pulled the phone away from my ear for a moment to not go deaf. 

“When it’s over, I have keys. I always have keys” I answered softly. If she even cared a little she would be able to hear just how tired I was and how much I wanted this conversation to end. More screaming. “I need to go” then all went silent. 

“Whatever. You know what, whatever. Do as you wish, as per usual” then she hung up. I pulled the phone away looking at the call symbol disappear and sighed. I ran my fingers through my hair. It was only just after dinner, I could go home but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her but I was so tired. I had to study, I sighed, I had to study. 

Now I was angry, walking over I threw my phone on the table with a loud bang, not caring for the device at all as I grabbed my book and began to write. I was writing so fast, I was so mad, so burnt out. I was writing science formulas and going down the page as I changed colours and wrote my notes as I usually did. 

“Are you ok?” Kirishima asked slowly and I looked up, eyes lidded, the bags beneath my eyes felt like they were pulling my eyes down. I nodded with pursed lips “You don’t look ok” he added and I heard a few agree. 

“Just a normal day, nothing to worry about” I whispered and I could see the worried faces begin to blossom. I didn’t like the attention and swallowed, I looked down and saw all my calculations and noticed I had done an entire science calculation in anger. A hard one too. Dropping my pencil I rubbed my eyes. 

“When was the last time you slept?” Sero asked his smile fading but teeth still showing. Now everyone seemed interested in this question, I too was interested in the answer. 

I thought about it “Monday” I said questioningly “I think I slept on Monday. What day is it” I asked and looked down, it was Thursday. “Saturday I had an hour, I think I had about half an hour Monday” I answered and nodded “Or was that the Saturday study breaks” I whispered and shrugged “I don’t know” I answered. 

“That’s not good” Bakugou spoke in a calm voice. I turned to him and nodded slowly. My eyes closed for a second and I shook my head to bring myself back. I could hear people saying I should go home and sleep, eat something. “You haven’t been eating either” Bakugou pointed out. 

“I have to study” I swallowed and all conversations died down. I shook my head “I can’t fall behind” I whispered and I felt the air get sad. I began to highlight and write and the conversation came back into the room. Laughter and other things. I sat in between Bakugou and Todoroki just doing my work, helping them a few times before returning. It was well into the night when we all departed. I was packing up my things as I almost fell over being caught by packing up Bakugou. “Sorry” I whispered. 

I watched as people watched me stumble out of the room and then down the hall. I accidentally bumped into Aizawa who was holding papers and almost fell over again “Y/N” he asked and I was off again down the hall.

The next few days began the same until Monday morning when the class ended. I was having trouble staying awake through the whole class but I had to pay attention to every single second. I didn’t have time to fail. I needed to do this. I needed to pass, I needed to do well. I could only sleep on the day of the exam. 

“Alright, that’s it for today, you only have one more week before the exam” I was smiling ear to ear, I could sleep. One week, I had to sleep. I had to be fully rested for the exam, I was so tired. “I’m sure you’re all studying constantly, right?” I nodded. Yes, yes I was. “Don’t forget to keep training, the written exam is only one element” no sleep for me then. I had been training but not enough, I had learned skills but I needed to put them into action. I had to do well, there was not an option for failure. “There’s also the practical portion to worry about. Good luck” and with those words the door was closed and my anxiety shot through the roof.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 5

[phoenixfell]

Protecting Yourself & Creating a Good Experience

An unfortunate post necessitated by recent events.  The unfortunate truth of reality is that we, as non-psychic human beings, are unable to determine with certainty the motives of other humans around us.  If someone claims to have good intentions but are hurting you, are they simply presenting themselves poorly or are they lying entirely?  This is a question you can never truly answer, but here I will guide you through some ways to protect yourself while being kind to yourself and others.

You may reblog this if you’d like.  

Although this post was created specifically in response to the turmoil in the Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom, it’s not specific to this exact situation and the purpose is not to take a side.  The purpose is to encourage everyone to do their part in ending hateful behavior and crafting a good community.   

Contents:

0.  Don’t send mean asks to people 1.  Install an IP Tracker on your blog. 1.a (How to) Install an IP Blocker on your blog. 2.  Curating your Experience 3.  Making First Contact 4.  Analyzing a Message 5.  Fiction as Fiction VS Fiction as Reality 6.  The Author’s Duty 7.  Echo Chambers & Lateral Thinking 8.  Accepting Differing Opinions 9.  Good Intentions (Pave the Road to Hell) 10.  Being Mean is Fun (so do it in non-harmful ways) 11.  Morality (Personal, Community, and Legal)

0.  Don’t send mean asks to people.

You know, I saw a post some time ago on the internet that basically said:  Why do we see so many posts teaching people how to avoid being raped and virtually nothing telling people not to rape others?  So, as obvious as this may sound, I’m going to give you a gentle reminder to not send mean asks to people.

Perhaps you are angry.  Perhaps something else is bothering you.  Perhaps you honestly feel like you are doing the right thing.  These feelings are entirely valid and I understand.  However, being mean to someone else on the internet is not going to solve anything.  At best, it’s going to get you ignored and at worst, it’s going to actively escalate things.  

If you feel down, depressed, or upset, consider this service:  https://www.crisistextline.org/

US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808

It’s a confidential service that will help support you.

On the other hand, if you feel like you genuinely have a bone to pick with someone, take a step back.  Get a cup of coffee, or tea; watch a YouTube video, and later on in this post we’ll discuss cooperative problem solving, the importance of word choice, and how to deescalate a situation.  

1.  Install an IP Tracker on your blog.

This is a very simple and completely legal process.  The easiest way to do so is to sign up for Statcounter.  This is a website for market and visitor analysis, but it does IP tracking for free, which is what we’re looking for.  The site will even guide you through installing it.  However--do not post it into the description.  In my experiences, this does not work.  Instead, click Edit HTML, search for <body>, and paste it directly underneath that.

For this to work most effectively, make sure that you have the Timestamps extension enabled within the inbox in XKit.  If you do not have XKit installed, you can find directions on their Tumblr page, here:  https://new-xkit-extension.tumblr.com/

1.a.  (How to) Install an IP Blocker on your blog.

Although Tumblr claims to give you the ability to IP Block through the inbox by blocking anonymous asks, many people have expressed doubts that it actually works.  Therefore, here’s an explanation showing you how to do it yourself.  There are three steps to this, all taking place in the Edit HTML section we’ve left off in last section.

1.

Directly below where the web analytics code above ends, paste this:

<script type="text/javascript" src="https://l2.io/ip.js?var=userip"></script>

2.

Directly below the previous command, paste this:

<script>

function ipBlock() {        var ip = userip;     //example: "0.0.0.0", "5.5.5.5", "3.3.3.3",     var bannedips=[         "155.555.55.55"     ];     var handleips=bannedips.join("|");     handleips=new RegExp(handleips, "i");            if (ip.search(handleips)!=-1){ 

                window.location.replace("http://www.tumblr.com");        } 

} </script>

You can customize this script in a few ways.  First, bannedips needs to be the ip(s) you wish to block.  You can add more by separating them by commas and enclosing them in quotes, as the example shows.  Secondly, in the window.location.replace line, you can insert any valid address.  Here are some suggestions I give people:

Tumblr homepage.  Basic and effective.

A link to a Google search of something, e.g. How to not send mean asks on the internet

Your own tumblr blog, so they get stuck in a refresh loop

A similarly spelled but nonexistent blog, to give the illusion you deleted/moved 

3.  

Finally, add onload=“ipBlock()” to your body tag:

<body onload = "ipBlock()">

That should be everything to get it working.  If you want to test it, click the link in step two, copy and paste the IP address that is displayed into the bannedips, save, and visit your blog.  If it’s working right, you should get thrown off.   

If you don’t want your IP Block active, just remove step three and return your tag to <body>.  

2.  Curating Your Experience

Although Tumblr itself does not allow the functionality, there are ways to ensure that certain words do not appear on your dashboard.  XKit has a blacklist feature which will hide posts containing certain words.  Also of note is the wildcard feature, which is accessed by adding an asterisk after the word, ex.

nsfw   ->  Only blocks exactly that word and that tag nsfw*  ->  Will block any word or tag containing that phrase

However, I would like to gently notify you that there is significant research that actively avoiding content does more harm than good!  Only you can know what is best for you, but there is a such thing as excessive avoidance.  

3.  Making First Contact

If there’s anything you take from this post, please let it be this one thing:

Always be kind.  At first.  Then tear them a new one if necessary.  

The inevitable happens.  As far as you can tell, you’re minding your own business on your blog.  Your ask box lights up and you perk up, wondering which of your friends is reaching out to you.

Instead, the message is nasty, condemning you for your support of your favorite ship and the theme of your blog.

You’re upset, of course!  And you have every right to be!  You put a lot of time and effort into this blog and your ship, and to have someone so coldly butt in--you can feel the frustration mounting!  Tears are glistening and your body trembles as you type up a strongly worded essay and--

Stop.

It’s okay.

Take a deep breath and step away from your emotions for a minute.  Your emotions are valid-- but so are the sender’s.  

Instead of starting a fight, be kind.  It may hurt.  You may not want to be, but I promise you it’s worth it.  Here’s a template response:

Hi, anon.  I’m really sorry that you feel this way about [thing] and will gladly take it into consideration in the future.  Could you please tell me more about why you dislike [thing]?  If you’d like to take some time to gather your thoughts, I’d be happy to discuss this issue with you.  

Let me confess something.  I don’t suggest this out of pure kindness.  I suggest this because their response will tell you what you need to know.  Remember how the intro talked about how people’s intentions are incredibly hard to figure out?  This is a little trick I like to use to get them to play their cards.  

There are three possible responses:  They respond angrily, they respond kindly and respectfully, or they don’t respond at all.

In the first case, you may get something that resorts to expletives.  They may call you names.  They may tell you to delete your blog or any other amount of nasty things.  It’s very likely that your very attempt at kindness will anger this person!  This is a troll/bully whose sole interest is to get you upset and get themselves attention.  At this point, you can safely delete and ignore the messages without any guilt.  

In the second case, you have a person with a genuine grievance who just happened to address it poorly.  Both of you have a duty to humanity to resolve the problem respectfully and politely.  You’ve avoided escalating the conflict, you may learn something new and you may even make a new friend!

This also applies to reaching out to someone for the first time.  You see someone doing something you don’t like.  Oh, it just makes you blind with rage!

Again.  I’m going to advise you to stop. Take a deep breath.  No one responds well to name-calling and being condemned.  There’s a few techniques you can use (see if you can spot them in the template message):

Listen to their opinions

Actively ask to hear their opinion

Ask for clarification

Validate the way they feel

Avoid casting blame 

(These techniques work a lot in real life, too!)

Again, there are some genuinely scummy people in life!  But, there are many, many more ignorant people.  A gentle pointer goes much further than yelling and screaming.  

4.  Analyzing a Message

We’ve all been there.  We’ve gotten a message and we’ve panicked--do they hate me now?!  Is this a troll message or genuine criticism?!

Again.  Relax.  Push aside your emotions and focus on the logical words as they appear before you.  Ask yourself if you are reading a tone that doesn’t exist.  For example, not everyone puts active thought into choosing between “ok”, “Ok”, “okay”, “Okay”, “ok.” etc.  Sometimes an ok is just that.  An ok.  

Break the message into parts.  Find the logical structures and decipher them piece by piece.  Someone who throws some very hurtful words into a message may indeed have a point, despite coming off as very crude.  Accept that different parts of a message may mean different things.  The world is very complicated and multifaceted.  Try to avoid sticking labels to things.  

5.  Fiction as Fiction VS Fiction as Reality

I’ve seen a lot of arguments floating around recently that seem to think that these two ideas exist in a vacuum.  It’s simply not true.  The ideas are entwined intrinsically--Fiction is both fiction and reality.  Fiction was created to mimic reality yet extend it far beyond what can happen in the confines of reality.  What happens in reality impacts fiction and what happens in fiction impacts reality.  

This is undeniable.  

Both of these ideas exist, and as the author it is your duty to figure out what that means for you.

You cannot hide behind Fiction as Fiction to ignore your responsibilities as an author.

You cannot hide behind Fiction as Reality to promote censorship.  

Both of these ideas are far too simple for the complicated world we live in.  A complicated concept requires complicated solutions.  

Every word you write has an impact on the people that reads it.  This is the very definition of writing.  We use writing as a tool to share emotions.  Extend empathy.  We use writing to make people cry, to make people laugh, to make people angry.  

To deny that this impact exists is to deny what writing is.  

But censorship is not an option.  Censorship prevents these stories from being told, and quite frankly, no one should have the right to decide what story should and shouldn’t be told, regardless of what is in that story.  

What is the solution then?  There is no easy answer. 

6.  The Author’s Duty

When you put words before another human being, it becomes your responsibility as a moral individual to give your best effort into ensuring that those words have a positive impact on the individual.

This doesn’t mean not making them cry.  Or not making them upset.  It means ensuring that the morals you impart on them are sound and logical.  

How one achieves this is up to you.  

In general, tone makes all the difference.  Writing murder in a positive light versus writing murder in a negative light can drastically alter how the audience perceives your scene.  

Empathy, too, can help sway your audience.  If your writing must involve racist police officers stopping a young black man, make sure you delve into how unfair this is, how terrifying it is, how this needs to change.  Do not normalize it.  Do not let it go by without a somber note indicating your awareness of the topic.  

Sometimes, the solution is to simply avoid the issue.  There are certain topics that only some individuals should write about, and that’s just how it is.  This isn’t to say that you can’t write about it, but keep that writing private.  

Most importantly, do your research, and ask for help and keep an open mind.  It’s a grave responsibility and you may not do it right and that’s okay!  Everyone is capable of learning.  Everyone is capable of changing.  

7.  Echo Chambers & Lateral Thinking

An echo chamber is a phenomenon where an individual’s exposure to certain topics becomes self-enforcing because they don’t see, or actively avoid, differing opinions.  

Echo chambers are also exactly what happens when a rift this massive opens in a small community.  

When Orange blocks Green and starts posting about it, all of Orange’s friends decide whether they agree or not.  The overwhelming majority, due to peer pressure, will agree.  Many of them will then block Green and the users directly associated with them.  In retaliation, Green will defend themselves.  Because Orange’s group had already blocked Green, Green’s friends only seen Green’s point of view and will rise in response to the perceived slight.  

What results are two heavily biased groups of users that refuse to communicate with one another and many individuals swept into the mess because they don’t wish to be isolated.   

Even worse, it turns a complicated and multi-faceted issue into a binary issue.  Either you agree with Orange or you agree with Green.  The world is not this simple.  

Instead, I would encourage everyone to practice lateral thinking of their own accord.  I would encourage you to make your own decisions, rather than blindly supporting or condemning the people around you.  Everyone has their own opinions about what is or isn’t okay, and that’s perfectly fine.  Even your closest friends will have different opinions than you.  

8.  Accepting Differing Opinions 

Once you’ve accepted these different opinions (good on you!) what do you do now?  Simply put, the choice is on you!  There’s a few options:

Quietly accept it

Respectfully debate it

Avoid it

Escalate it

The first two are pretty obvious, and the third one is where blocking people and the blacklist comes in.

The fourth one is extreme and only recommended for activities causing active, known, measurable harm to other people.  

This involves actively seeking a legal entity to handle the issue.

Being mean to people on Tumblr is not a solution.  Tumblr is not a place to pursue a justice agenda.  There are bigger issues in the world, and I encourage you to find ways to make a difference that will actually be fruitful.  Donate to charities.  Extend yourself as support to victims.  Contribute to research.  

Changing the mind of strangers on the internet is not a good use of your time.  

9.  Good Intentions (Pave the Road To Hell)

This has been a phrase for a very long time.  

What does it mean?

Well, I’ll offer my own interpretation.  

It means that people often become absorbed with the idea that they are doing the right thing and forget to be mindful of the true consequences of their actions.  

It doesn’t mean to not do good things.  It means that good is relative and not everyone will find your actions good.  It’s important to keep an open mind and realize that just because you think something is good, doesn’t mean everyone agrees.  

10.  Being Mean is Fun (so do it in non-harmful ways)

Yeah.  

It’s okay.  You can admit it.

Being mean is fun!

If it wasn’t fun, people wouldn’t do it!  In fact, this very blog was created because I found that writing the character being mean was very enjoyable and cathartic!  

So, if you find yourself tempted to be mean to people in your life, maybe find another way to get those emotions out.  Hell, people on tumblr just might appreciate you taking up a nasty, villainous character that’ll tear their character up...

People love angst.  You can take this bad thing and twist it into something good.  

11.  Morality (Personal, Community, and Legal)

Bringing this long post to a close, I would like you all to end by thinking about what morality really is.  In particular, I’d like you to think about morality on three different scales:  Your personal morality, the morality of the community you’re in, and morals as described by laws.

You’ll find that these morals don’t overlap.  

Or, at least they shouldn’t. Please revisit section 7.  

Being aware of morality in these three ways may help you determine how to proceed when going forward.

Do I personally agree with this? Does the community I’m in agree with this? Do the laws have anything to say about this? 

None of these are right.  Everything has different morals, and it’s up to you to find the exact opinions that fit you.  

Don’t let people blindly tell you how you should and shouldn’t feel about a topic, and don’t let people bully you into changing your morals to fit into their perceived moral high ground.  

But at the same time, be open.  Extend yourself to new ideas.  If enough people tell you that something is wrong, it just may be time to listen.

Be you.

Be unique.

Be safe.

And above all, be kind.  

Have a nice night, everyone.  I hope we can all work to a brighter future.  

[cardinaldaughter]

My Wavy/Curly Hair Journey

So at the end of 2020 I came across a TikTok about wavy hair. The girl in the video was talking about hair types and she said if you have a certain type of hair, it’s wavy/curly and you should embrace your waves/curls. Well, she described my hair perfectly, and I don’t know if it was because it was 10 pm on New Year’s Eve or if it was because we’re going on like a fucking year into this pandemic or what, but I felt ✨inspired.✨

I’ve always had wavy hair. But I’ve never known how to style it, or enhance the wave/curl. So I began my descent into the Curly Girl lifestyle to see if they could help me “embrace my waves”.

After hours of watching videos/reading blogs, I found myself going out that weekend on my usual grocery run, but in addition to that list, I had a list of products recommended by 2b-hair influencers on YouTube as well as from the CurlyGirl subreddit.

I bought a curl cream, gel, microfiber towel, soft scrunchies (they were supposed to be silk but I couldn’t find any and I wasn’t about to order online because damn it, I want curly hair now!) a clarifying shampoo, and a special conditioner for curly hair.

Now, I am not a high maintenance person. I like makeup but I have never bothered to learn about contouring and doing all the fancy stuff you see on Instagram. I wear some eyebrow filler, mascara, and sometimes a winged liner and lipstick. That’s it. Similarly with my hair, I am usually very low maintenance, and I think that’s part of why my hair has been so healthy. And while I’m not particularly confident in my appearance, my hair is a source of pride for me.

So, pre curly girl, this was my hair routine:

Sunday night- wash hair with Tresemme luxurious moisture shampoo. Use Tresemme luxurious moisture conditioner and leave it in for about 10 minutes. Rinse that out, then squeeze out excess water. Spray Milkshake leave in conditioner and gently brush hair. Air dry until bed, then braid and go to sleep.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday- brush hair, use a bit of Shae moisture hair oil to smooth things out. Maybe straighten it, if the mood strikes. If I straighten it I use Tresemme heat protectant spray.

Wednesday night - repeat Sunday

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - repeat Monday

There were some exceptions to this of course, but that was the general deal. And my hair was shiny, smooth, soft, and while still a bit frizzy, very healthy.

Then I started using the curly conditioner. It’s the same brand as my normal conditioner, so I didn’t see too much difference there. But then I began implementing these stupidly named techniques like “squish to condish” and “scrunch out the crunch” with the gels and creams. I stopped brushing my hair because the mantra of “don’t brush your waves/curls” was screamed at me from every curly hair blog and video I found. So I didn’t.

Until my hair began getting fairy knots. And falling out.

I was assured in these curly hair videos that hair falling out was part of the process. And to some extent that is true. I lose a few strands every time I wash or brush my hair. But when I added these extra products and stopped brushing (and only finger combing when my hair was wet) I think I managed to lose 3 times as much hair in one shower than I’d lose generally in a week! My hair got dry, and the products left my hair feeling greasy. If I used too little product it was greasy with little waviness. If i used too much it was decent waves in the morning that quickly deflated into a stringy, greasy mess by the afternoon.

I got a couple compliments on my waves/curls, but I had never been so unhappy with my hair.

I was told that maybe my hair was too long and the ends were weighing me down. I hadn’t had a haircut in a year thanks to the pandemic but I found a new salon that stuck to safety guidelines and went and got about 4.5 inches cut off (it needed it anyway so I don’t regret that at all), but even still, the waves and curls weren’t holding. It was just a dry, hair-falling-out l, greasy mess.

I read more and considered going strictly full-capital-CG Curly - no shampoo (I refuse to call it “no poo”. I REFUSE), co-wash only (wash with conditioner, which I have done before- on accident- and hated how my hair felt afterward but was willing to try again), and get rid of all products with certain ingredients (which meant getting rid of my milkshake spray, which was devastating because my hair responds so well to it). THEN I leaned that for some people, a strict CG method isn’t the answer, you should stick with products you know your hair likes, and that technique is more important that product.

Glad I didn’t throw out my old stuff.

So I tried a few different techniques, switched up the order and amount of products I used, tried wet plopping, the pineapple, squish to condish, diffusing different ways- all of it.

My routine became

Sunday - wash with a clarifying shampoo, use the curly conditioner (squish to condish!), rinse that out, add leave in conditioner, finger comb (and spend ten minutes pulling out hair), squish in curl cream, add gel, use microfiber towel to soak up excess water, wet plop, dry and diffuse, “scrunch out the crunch”, and then pineapple or braid for bed.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - wet hair, add curl cream (squish to condish!!!), add gel (use praying hands to apply, then squish!), use microfiber towel to soak up excess water, plop, dry/diffuse, scrunch hair to break up the gel casing on curls

Wednesday night-all of the Sunday routine, but don’t use the clarifying shampoo.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - all of the Monday routine

And nothing worked. And not only that, but my time spent washing, styling, caring for my hair had tripled, and to no benefit. Itnwas honestly so much worse.

In my frustration I’d go back online and try to figure out what I did wrong this time. I would see posts on that subreddit of women saying “it took a year of CG but my curls are finally starting to do what I want!” And they had a list a mile long of products/routines they stuck to religiously.

And I had this sudden, horror-filled realization that I don’t want to be miserable for a year only to have some halfway decent looking curls.

So over the past four days, i went back to my old routine. I stopped wetting my hair and scrunching it and drying/diffusing it every day. Last night I washed it and conditioned it like I used to. And after three days of not using a bunch of products, of brushing my hair gently, I hardly had any hair fall out. Today I used a heat protectant and straightened my hair. And it’s so soft, and smooth, and shiny, and it doesn’t have that awful greasy feeling that it did when I was wearing it curly.

And I am so much happier.

I know that people with very curly hair need to use certain products to maintain their curly hair health, and I think that’s great and applaud them for the dedication. But I also think, if you have to buy a ton of new products and wait a year for your hair to “finally embrace” your curls... maybe your hair isn’t a naturally wavy/curly as you’d like to think it is. Like, I know my hair is wavy. But it looked so much better when I wasn’t loading it up with products. It felt better too.

I only lasted three and a half weeks trying to “embrace my curls” but i think I learned a very important lesson: I am much happier with healthy hair, than wavy hair.

I do like the microfiber towel and the scrunchies though. Those two things can stay.

[joutacujo]

FNV Companion Meme: Hades

Found this on another’s blog and wanted to have a go using drunkle Hades! This’ll be the lone version without Bitesized or Tesla.

Template

General

Name: Hades

Location: Atomic Wrangler or one of the vagrant camps

How to obtain: Can be hired after completing the quest “King on His Own”

Character photo: I haven’t draw him properly yet, but I have this-

Companion Wheel

I think we should travel together: “You better be packing hydra.” / “Welp, better than lazing around here, I guess.” / (if courier is female) “Do I have to?”

Use Melee: “Shit, I’ll give it a go.” / “I can’t see straight, but a cleaver is a big knife. Bigger range and all.”

Use Ranged: “Does throwing dynamite count?” / (singing) “Shot-gun, sh-sh-sh-shotgun!~”

Open Inventory: “Come on, man. I’ve got a bad back!” / “Are you gonna pay me for this?”

Stay Close: “If I get in your way that’s your fault.” / (if female courier) “You better not be flirting.” 

Keep Distance: (if male courier) “Nice view from back here!” / “Got it, chief.” 

Stealth: “If you here cracking that’s my knees.” / “I’m more of a explode everything and run guy, but I’ll try.” 

Back Up: (jokingly flirting) “Throw it back?” / I’m sure my muscles get in the way.”

Be Passive: “Ugh... really?” / “Yeah, that’ll last until withdrawal hits.”

Be Aggressive:  “Now you’re speaking my language.” / “YEEEAAAHH!”

Use Stimpack: “Doesn’t hit as well as hydra, but it’ll do.” / “P is for pain... also Please give me more.” / (if female courier) “Don’t touch me. I’ll do it myself.” 

Wait Here: “Oh. Don’t go too far, okay?” / “Oookay. Just don’t leave me here.”

Follow Me: “Right on, chief.” / “I ain’t a dog...” 

Send to the Lucky 38: “Oh hell yeah!” / “You know I’m banned from the Strip, right?” 

Send Home: (can be found where?) “Home, sweet home. Time to get high.” / “Finally! I missed Tesla.” (Atomic Wrangle/vagrant camp or Hades’ Shack after his personal quest is done)

Injured: “Uhghhhh... chief I ain’t feeling so good.” / “Hydra hydra.. hell I’d take a bit of jet.” / “Chieeefff! Helpp....” 

Death: “Well... I was expecting this...” / “Oh, finally...” 

Aggression: Aggressive

Confidence: Cautious

Assistance: Helps friends and allies

Karma: Neutral

Perks

What perks does your oc have? Generally companions have a starting perk and then two perks they may achieve depending on how the courier completes their quest line.

[Been Through the Wars]

Hades’ starting quirk adds 3+ DT and 20% resistance to drugs and poisoning. 

[Cut off One Head]

If choosen the “Warrior” end to his quest, adds 25% skill points to the Explosive, Guns and Survival skills. 

[Happy Homesteader]

If choosen the “Retiree” end to his quest, adds 25% skill points to the Medicine, Repair and Barter skills. 

Drops

If killed, does your oc drop anything?

Tesla’s Note -A note from Tesla to Hades about their plans to party after “all of this” is done.

Shot In The Dark -Hades’ unique shotgun that has unlimited slag ammo.

3-6x Hydra 10-12x Dynamite Cleaver

Worn Kings’ Outfit -Hades’ unique version of the Kings’ Outfit

Ruined Dogtags -NCR dogtags with the details scratched out

Quests and Recruitment

How does the courier recruit your oc? Write a short description where your oc is found and if there are any requirements to recruit them as a companion.

You receive the quest “King on His Own” from Pacer after G.I Blues quest is done in the Kings’ favour. He speaks about a member of the Kings that had to be kicked out after “going psycho” from drug withdrawal. He says that this member was really impressive in a fight and he’d like to see him come back to them. Problem is, it’s impossible to get him to go sober, so he asks the Courier if they could do anything.

You can find Hades either in a vagrant camp (usually the one near the Strip) or the Atomic Wrangler. At first he’s very depressed and generally lethargic. Having high reputation with the Kings allows you to hire him as a companion, but first he asks you to track down 5 bottles of Hydra and some whiskey for his “happy time cocktail”. Upon doing this he’ll take this “cocktail” and suddenly become more upbeat and flirtious (if the courier is male). If the courier is female he’ll seem reluctant to join you, but does after a 25 Speech check. 

Bringing him back to Pacer leads to Pacer being disappointed in Hades, but he requests that you keep Hades around for a bit longer to see if you can help. Agreeing to this completes the quest and hires Hades as a proper companion with his quirk.

Personal quests are an important part of developing our companions. What is your oc’s personal quest(s), and what are the different ways the courier can complete them?

After travelling for some time, there’s a random chance you’ll witness Hades going through withdrawal. He’ll become very depressed and easily angered, fighting anything that comes within his perspective. Talking to him will give you the option of giving him Fixer which prompts him to open up more about himself.

He reveals he was born in a Vault set underneath an Arts Theatre. The musical scripts found in it is where his tribe gets their names from; he’s named after Hadestown: The Musical. He left his tribe as a young adult to seek adventure but was captured and sold into slavery. 

He refuses to go into anymore detail. Passing a 50 Speech Check he’ll reveal that he was sold to an older women that lived in this fancy condo for rich people. He’ll shudder at the memory then end dialogue. 

This prompts the beginning of his personal quest, “Why We Build the Wall”.

After completing three quests for the NCR, Hades will mention his distain for the NCR. Through dialogue it’s revealed he was a soldier for them but deserted during the Bitter Springs Massacre. Talking to Captain Gilles with Hades in the party will prompt a conversation between the two. Gilles is disappointed, but not surprise that Hades deserted them while Hades is bitter and disgusted that they’re still here. You can resolve the conversation peacefully with a Speech check of 30. 

After becoming Liked by the Legion this prompts a conversation with Hades. He is neutral towards them, saying their slavery is horrifying but at least they protect their citizens. He says he’d rather join an honest evil than a dishonest good. You can then ask him about his time as a slave. Reluctantly he reveals that his owner would beat and assault him whenever something upset her. He’s biased against women because of this (something he apologizes for if the courier is female). He is gleeful as he reveals that he escaped after she had a heartattack at a party, but quickly becomes subdued again as he’s been wandering every since. 

The last condition needed is to complete the quest “High Times” with Hades in the party. Upon completion he opens dialogue mentioning he drinks and uses drugs to forget his past. He says his companion, Tesla, is a complete amnesiac due to her excessive drug use and he’s kind of been hoping to have that happen to him too. But everytime he has a withdrawal, all those feelings he’s been bottling up just come out and start the cycle over again. 

Through dialogue you get two choices to help him. 

The “Warrior” end, has him continue to use drugs now adding in Buffout to help control his withdrawals. He becomes tougher and buries the past completely. 

The “Retiree” end has him use drugs at a half dose, using more Fixer and visiting the Followers. He regains more skills and unlocks his Shack where he gives you supplies like ammo and different crafting scrap.

Ending Slides

Another important part of companions is their ending slides. How do their endings change based on how their quests are completed and how the courier decides to handle the world around them? Below is a short template listing the different main story outcomes. Feel free to change whatever you need to fit your OC’s story.

If their personal quest is never completed…

Hades, ever drifting between highs and lows, remained a vagrant to the very end. Haunted by his past, body deteriorating from alcoholism, he took his life outside of the Strip’s Gates: a symbol of how the Mojave can chew one up and spit them out. 

If the Courier sides with Legion and Hades quest is completed with the Warrior Ending

As the Legion marched into Freeside they rounded up the drug addicts and vagrants. Most were executed on sight, some, like Hades, showed a battle prowess that impressed Caeser. Hades was cast into the Arena and after many battles, was finally slain. His body was burned in a sign of respect. 

If the Courier sides with Legion and Hades quest is completed with the Retiree Ending

Hidden away in his shack, Hades escaped Legion sight for a long time. Upon finding the now sober Hades, they captured him and sold him to Aurelius of Pheonix (or Lucius if Aurelius is dead) as a repairs specialist. Though once again a slave, Hades accepted his fate and eventually passed of natural causes. 

If the Courier sides with NCR and Hades quest is completed with the Warrior Ending

With the NCR taking over New Vegas, it wasn’t long before deserters were brought to justice. Hades refused arrest and fought until the very end, taking out many NCR soldiers in his wake. He eventually went down under a hail of bullets, screaming his bitterness to the skies.

If the Courier sides with NCR and Hades quest is completed with the Retiree Ending

With the NCR taking over New Vegas, it wasn’t long before deserters were brought to justice. Hades was brought before a trial and accepted his imprisonment. He lived out the rest of his days working in the mines, eventually dying in a mineshaft collapse, surrounded by other Kings. 

If the Courier sides with House and Hades quest is completed with Any Ending

Hades, like many vagrants in Freeside, was either ignored by Mr House or shot down when his robots came strolling into the town. Being a friend of the Courier, he was left alone by other factions in Freeside; leading to a lonely, if peaceful, life. 

If the Courier makes New Vegas independent and Hades quest is completed with Any Ending

Along with the other Kings in Freeside, Hades ruled and enjoyed a free life. In the chaos he often relapsed into using more dangerous drugs and whored himself out without care. Eventually, he passed after a bad, violent trip on pyscho which lead to him being killed in self defense. 

[onepunchmiss]

OPM s2e12 Live Blog

“The Wiping of the Disciple’s Butt”

The season finale. I’m nauseous. Lets begin. 

As always, I’m watching from the perspective of someone who has read the manga and webcomic. 

Right where we left off. Again I love the music. I’m just like, really calm right now actually. hhhhhhhhhhhokay. OOF oh god all the crunching sound effects oh no, this is already so weird watching Garou get his ass handed to him since he’s pretty much curb stomped every other hero in battle thus far, or at the VERY LEAST avoided taking so many hits. This. is so uncomfortable to watch. WOAH ????? THESE SHOTS WERE ONLY THERE FOR A SPLIT SECOND BUT??? HOLY SHIT???

GAROU’S HAIR OH MY GOD 

Oh god oh god Bang is relentless this hurts please stop guys GUYS PLZ  HAS NO ONE REALISED THAT NOT ONE HERO HAS DIED CMON PLZ IT HURTS calm down stop trying to kill him plsplspls OH

THIS 

IS WHY

WE STAN GAROU

HE SAYS FUCK DEATH HOW ABOUT I JUST GET STRONGER INSTEAD QUE EPIC THEME MUSIC

oh god damnit him legit running on all fours right there just looks goofy tho F “preposterous style” Bang you aint lying asdfghjkl really though OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DRAWN SO BEAUTIFULLY THIS IS SO BLESSED 

WAIT 

NO OPENING THEME???????????????????? WHAT?????????????????????? WHY????????????????????????? ONE, I WANTED TO SEE THE CHIBI OF THE WEEK AND 2 

I WASNT PREPARED FOR MY FAVORITE DOPEY BIRD MAN THE FUCK PHOENIXMAN PLS NO ILY I know people hate him a lot but I just really dig how he feels like a fleshed out character compared to most other monsters, like he’s legit lookit him being all smart and stuff plz I just,,,,,,,,,,,, want to hug dumb fluffy birb ;-;

Woah again I’m being blown away by the animation??? Garou getting smacked around is really fluid and this just looks really cool in general?????

FUCK I CANT DO FLASHBACKS MAN JUST HEARING THE KID VOICE MAKED MY STOMACH LURCH OH NO 

OH NO I SCREAM OH NO I CANT OH NO GIMME 5 MINUTES PLEASE I CANNOT BBY NO I FORGOT ADULT GAROU IS IN THE FLASHBACK WATCHING THIS TIME PLS NO 

LIKE???????? I got kinda a comedic vibe watching him comment on it in the manga but the slow music and shit is just FUKKIN ME UP RIGHT NOW I HATE IT THANKS IT HURTS

oh god his face he has the seething thousand mile stare of quiet rage and its burning a hole STRAIGHT THROUGH MY ENTIRE BEING “But me I was the loner kid. Always gloomy and without friends” STOP. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT. IM CRYING AT U RIGHT NOW STOP

NO DONT HOLD HIM LET HIM GO S T O P OR SO HELP ME i can’t watch this what the fuck “I was always the loser” SHIT this legitimately hurts me “I dont want to be the monster anymore” GArou hey did you hear that part?? hEY GAROU DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF THERE??? 

WHAT DID I SAY WHAT THE F DID I JUST SAY STOP HOLDING HIM STOP STOPPIT  THE HELL MAN What if……….. I just go BACK IN TIME AND ADOPT BB GAROU CAN I DO THAT IS THIS POSSIBLE IS THIS ALLOWED ? ?? ?

oh my god it keeps getting worse. I mean. I already knew garou was being disproportionately reprimanded for what he supposedly did, but watching this scene just fucking kicked me in the teeth. As if my stomach wasn’t already in knots. The fuck . why does this hurt so much more watching than reading the frustration in seeping into me ffffff.

This looks really cool but, i can barely focus on that because im pretty much being exsanguinated on the floor over here by this whole sequence look at him crying. do it for me cause I sure as hell can’t 

“I want to strike a blow for the little guy”

Fukkin GETTEM GO GETTEM 

HOLY SHIT HIS VA IS GOING T F OFF 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT HIM ILY SO MUCH SAVE THE DAY BIRB SAVE 

ASDFGHJKL THIS IS SO INTENSE EVERYONE IS SO INTENSE I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BUT HOLY SHIT FUCK IM SCREAMING GAROU IS SCREAMING BANG AND BOMB SCREAMING GENOS AND EVEN PHOENIXMAN EVEN THE MUSIC IS SCREAM WE ALL JUST SC R E M

OH MY GOD AND THE LITTLE HEAD NOT GENOS AND BANG GIVE EACHOTHER SAVING THE HEROES OH MY GOD OH FUCK AND THE WAY THEY ANIMATE BANG JUMPING AROUND IS DOPE AS HELL AND ALSO HOLY SHIT ELDER CENTIPEDE I MISSED THE UNSETTLING SMOOTH CG LIKE ANIMATION FOR THE CENTIPEDES EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS JUST SCREAMING RN I AM OVERLOAD HELP 

Garou flailing in the air in Phoenixman’s grip is … really adorable oh my god. “It’s your fault for not finishing them” ooooooo that shut him up didn’t it oof. Also nice cameo by Tatsumaki there 

ASDFGHJKL THE MUSIC AGAIN I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM LOOK AT THEM OH MY GOD 

THIS IS SO BAD ASS

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS SO BADASS

Genos’s eye static, The brother’s fists swirling, THE FUKKIN CARAPACE SHATTERING 

THIS FIGHT IS SO WILD MY COMPUTER CANT EVEN TAKE IT. ITS GLITCHING AND FREEZING UP HOLY SHIT

oh god ok the face coming out of the face was pure nightmare fuel alright then

WAIT

I FORGOT GENOS IS A SELF SACRIFICING DUMBASS. NO IM NOT READY GENOS YOU DOOF LISTEN TO KUSENO LISTEN TO HIM 

oh no 

oh no

im crying oh no

this animation is beautiful first of all and the music like im just here this is where I’m at and I’m crying oh no 

He’s an angel. A literal angel. Look at that and tell me he doesn’t look like a fucking angel in the sky with the rays of light casting shadows around him. 

Genos you are too good and pure for this world but that DOESNT MEAN TRY TO GET YOURSELF KILLED 

Shit they really made it look like he was gonna self destruct there for a second which MADE HIS LAST STAND EVEN MORE INTENSE OH MY GOD SWEETHEART Y’all ever get into a show because you keep seeing one character that catches your interest, and you keep seeing them pop up on your dash or wherever until you finally decide ‘well fuckit, this is the asshole that’s gonna get me to finally watch the show’, cause you’re already invested in them anyway? Genos did that for me with OPM. If this fool didn’t exist Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get to watching OPM, if ever. And shit like this is why I STILL love him. I usually move on to new faves 90% of the time but nope. Genos earned his spot and is keeping it. Look at this insane shit. My heart. Uhg

Enough gushing asdfghjkl ok but Genos, you just went INTO THE DAMNED THING’s STOMACH,,,,, and you’re SURPRISED that there’s STOMACH ACID?? But real talk. What the EVERLONG FUCK is that thing’s insides made out of? How did it NOT DIE. the FuCK

asdfghjkl Phoenixman’s chuckle???? I love 

Oh Bang no, this is wrenching my heart like I know that he doesn’t actually use his power but its built up so intensely like,,, would he be ok if he did??? and actually more concerningly since it even WAS brought up that he has some hidden true strength, will we EVER get to see that??? Oh Shit well when they word it as “All the power left to me in this life” then yeah, that seems pretty life or death ish???? THE FUCK 

Oh thank god comedic relief is here I feel like i’m about to have a heart attack my chest is so tight hhhhhh ok breathe WAIT THIS ISNT COMEDIC THIS IS BADASS AS HELL JEEZUS witht he flashbacks to the Saitama encounter and THIS LOOK

The Anime is really fucking with the audience huh??? Making it look like KIngs about to throw hands like???????????? OH SHIT AND THIS MUSIC IS DOPE AS HELL TOO IM JUST laughing I have so much excessive energy right now???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHZAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFGHJKLJHGFDSWERTGYHUIUJHGFDFGHJKJHGFRE THE FUKKIN SONG THEY BROUGHT IT BACK THE ULTIMATE SONG I GOT THREE NOTES IN JUST THREE NOTES AND I KNOW IM SCREAMING I GOTTA GO RUN BRB 

IM STILL SCREAMING FADFJSAGFJDSLKAHVFSKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OUR MAIN MAN THERE HE IS THERE HE IS IM GONNA THROW UP 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

OH MY FUCK THATS WHAT THE OPENING SEQUENCE EXPLOSION WAS FROM OH GOD OH FUCK BEAUTIFUL THIS IS BEAUTIFUL OH FUCK OH GOD 

The REPRISE oh no oh NO OH NO OH NO NO ITS NOT OVER im not ready its not I cant no no no i dont want to press play cause if I press play it will end soon no no no Oh my god and at the end there isnt gonna be a title card for the next episode because THERE IS NO NEXT EPISODE no non o nonononon on on on ono no no no 

NO 

HEY IVE BEEN RIPPED OFF. WHERES THE FACE WITH HIS HAIR BLOWN BACK??? ASDFJKL fine I cant even be mad everything else was tooo  ofdbghjfshkggfhsjgbfhjka

KING WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT REACTION ASDFGHJKL W H A T 

WAIT THEY ARE DOING THE OPENING THEME AT THE END NO I CANT HANDLE SEEING EVERYOONE NOW OF ALL TIMES GOD DAMNIT WHY ok yknow what. I knew it would be king. I dont know how but i did 

Wha

wh

fkin cliffhanger no please no 

I.. I’m kind of at a loss for words. I’m. That’s it, huh? It’s really over. It doesn’t FEEL over. There’s so much unfinished business. Well, the only way to really neatly wrap everything up as neatly as S1 did would have been to get ALL THE WAY through the Garou arc, which obviously wasn’t going to happen, but this is not a great spot to leave off if we’re going to endure another few years hiatus. My hope is that, with biweekley manga updates, we should wrap up the Monster Association/Garou stuff (assuming it doesn’t diverge from the web comic too much) some time next year, and I’m HOPING that s3 is already being planned accordingly along side manga publications. So MAYBE it will at least be announced around that time 2020. That’s my wishful thinking at least. I don’t think I can survive 3 years. anyway

You could really tell JC Staff poured their hearts and souls into these last 2 episodes. Absolutely gorgeous, paced well, so completely satisfying and making every second of s2 worth while. For me, at least. I’ve already seen people still complaining and I’m just sorry they didn’t have as much fun as I did. 

Seriously, thank each and every one of you guys. This has been a wild ride, I’ve barely had this blog a few weeks before season 2 started airing (and honestly just got into opm maybe a month before that?), so I owe a lot of the success on the blog to the anime I bet. This was the first series I’ve never tried live bogging, and I honestly can’t believe that they were as popular as they were? Especially since I never have any idea what I’m doing but yall listen to me ramble anyway?? Yall are crazy thank you so so so much. Now my tuesdays are gonna feel really empty… next week is gonna be weird as hell. Though I’m gonna get mad nostalgic good vibes rewatching this season in the future in no small part from sharing my experience with everyone who's stuck around. I can’t say see yall next week this time, but, see you next season whenever it may be for sure.

[idio-cies]

Tine and Anxiety

How are people feeling? Knowing that tomorrow is the last episode of this beautiful series? Sad? Excited? Don’t want it to be over? Same

Welp, this may or may not hurt when reading and probably won’t be my last meta/analysis on this series. Anyways... This is a long post folks, so make sure you are sitting comfortably.

I am almost certain that Tine accentuates some kind of anxiety.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but this is just something that I deeply relate Tine with. As a person who has CFS/ME with depression and anxiety, who also has a best friend with severe anxiety, my mum and sister also having depression as well as having many other friends with mental health issues revolving around anxiety and/or depression and doing a lot research both on anxiety and depression. I know the ins and outs of these mental illnesses. I will not go into further detail because as I am trying by hardest to not sound like an obnoxious twat whilst writing this.

I came across this article so I could check that I was right about relationship anxiety which Tine does express. This is pretty self-explanatory so you can read at your own leisure if you wish, but as a brief summary relationship anxiety most likely comes out of previous bad relationships, low self-esteem an attachemnt style one has grown up with in childhood (honestly this is another thing entirely, I talk a little bit about this here), but also relies on knowing oneself, having good communication etc.It just screams out here.

I need to clear things up as well before I really start getting in deep. It is correct that every human being has self-doubt, it is intrinsic to the human psyche, there is no doubt about it, unless you are self-righteous or have learnt that you are loved and you can love yourself a healthy amount, then good for you! This video is a good summary of how disliking oneself is natural human response

Now, where anxiety related to Tine comes in is the fact that he ruminates, he worries excessively and his automatic response to things going wrong he places on himself, and just in general has such a deep lack of self-worth and self-love that all you wanna do is cuddle him all day. This takes it further than what a normal human beings response is. 

Tine obsesses, and as a result makes him spiral and becomes unwell. Rumination is both a feature of Anxiety and depression. This is where things get tricky because Depression and Anxiety work hand in hand, with some traits crossing over (such as rumination), you can also have panic attacks with depression as well. The reason why I think it is anxiety is because of how things morphed with Tine, how he worried himself to be literally sick on more than one occasion

and it looks like he does the same this week. You can see the IV and how he is laying 

and he doesn’t to eat

This is not “normal human behaviour”. Worrying so much it makes you ill is one thing (see article here), but actively avoiding food is another thing. It’s another response people have when they are under extreme stress, though people can also over eat.

My analysis of “Escape” supports rumination.

There is no category that I will place him. I will leave this article here for people to go through if they are interested (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of links, I just want to prove what I’m saying). 

so, when we meet Tine he seems like this ball of energy, he comes across as self-righteous with his Mr Chic facade

But that’s the thing: it’s a facade, it’s a coping mechanism, which shields him. I wouldn’t say that this is a classic example of anxiety as anyone can put up a front to hide all sorts of things. I know that I used to have facades or personalities I use in front of people.

Anyway, this Mr. Chic persona was all that, a persona, he took refuge in it. Which is why we see the comeback of it in ep 9 as he was experiencing some stage fright mixed with a heck of a lot of self-doubt and stress, which Green had identified was a coping mechanism!!!!

This front was used in order to block himself from being hurt, from rejection and from life in general, as well as of course criticism. His friends aren’t the brightest bunch, though evidently Fong (bless his heart) is very emotionally intelligent and let us know that they were aware of Tine and how he self-imposes on himself, has to prove his worth etc

This explains why he was so fatalistic in ep 11

Because he is still putting himself on trial and their relationship

It was legit after the tree got trodden on it all went wrong 

Poor Nuisance Tree... RIP

Anyway, but as friends do, they tease each other, which is ultimately something that Tine is afraid of. He doesn’t like the teasing. Based on my perspective of teasing, I bite back with teasing, but it may be because it’s because I am sensitive about it. Tine by no means has my temper, so it doesn’t surprise me if he is effected and is scared to be teased because in all actuality, he is sensitive about those topics. 

Next, he gets obsessed. People noticed about not moving on from Sarawat, there are a few explanations. 1. they needed it for Sarawat’s popularity to broadcast it 2. I bet you Tine got intrigued 3. potentially, he got obsessed with the idea. Tine was adamant to “get rid of Green” this in of itself was an obsession and no fucking wonder it backfired. Some, “normal, healthy” people I’m sure would’ve moved on, but oh no, not this dumbass quartet

Which is another thing. He is heavily influenced by his friends. Naturally, a person listen and adapt their thinking to their peers, but some don’t and are adamant in their thoughts. What gets me here is that Tine practically doesn’t allow himself to think for himself very much. I mean, it’s natural to go to friends for advice, but he was always very quick to go “yeah you’re right”. He is too easily swayed by what his friends tell him or their philosophies. Go look at episode 8 1/4 6:50 onwards. He concludes so quickly... Though I guess in this round, he felt it was right.

As soon as he sees one “fit” per se, that is it, which is apt as he is always been on the search for “the one”

(It will not surprise me if this series does full circle, and has Tine going to Sarawat once more as Sarawat did all of the chasing after this... kinda)

Tine can make up his mind very quickly once he sees fit. The only time he has really made sense and not listened to his friends fully was when he realised he loved Sarawat, and he went hell for leather on proving himself in episode 9. 

Tine had to prove himself in order to be worthy of Sarawat to love him, he thought he had failed, but Sarawat showed him a different perspective. Sarawat is very good at comforting Tine and showing him a new perspective... 

Sarawat is so good in this scene, because he tells Tine (in their little hypothetical language) that it is up to Tine is in control (which he felt he wasn’t), that Sarawat won’t pressure him, and that he is enough just as he is. That he doesn’t need to prove himself.

To a degree he helps every time, but as I have said before, if Tine is anything like me, those affirmations are useless after a couple hours max.

This post and also this one are really good at explaining Sarawat, and my perception of the last episode, so please also give those a read because I don’t want to repeat and make this even longer than it is! I do not blame Sarawat, and understand that it is human to make mistakes, which is also why I am making this post, because Tine is also wrong and is not helping their relationship or himself!!!

The time when he did believe in them was during episode 10 with Type in the house... it was extraordinary

Sorry I love Sarawat’s reaction to this

It’s like “Okay, you got it, why you gotta be so cute tho” 

Then the next week it goes downhill again and he believes that he is the one causing everything to go wrong (ahem, look at the first article)

He puts all the blame on himself... But Sarawat was always there to tell him that it was okay, that he was there with him, never got angry, just gave him smiles and headpats galore while looking at him with all the love in the world

I had to add in the “lets go to bed” bit here 

because I feel like it’s under appreciated. Sarawat was continuously telling Tine “we can look for it later, lets focus on this for now” and did a little nod. He was trying to help Tine not feel so bad, he recognised it and tried to give him comfort. He tried setting an agenda, so that Tine didn’t need to be overwhelmed with processing too many things if that makes any sense? He cares a lot and knew it was bothering him. It didn’t work as Tine was riddled with guilt, so he wasn’t satiated by it unfortunately, but this trip really did churn everything up :/ 

It’s just super hard to get Tine to feel alright in himself, but Sarawat is so lovely about it all. He loves Tine so much, so this week is going to hurt so bad when Tine tries to break things off as it is just going to be so difficult to make sure Tine is secure in himself and the relationship... I better stop

The fact that this is the state Tine puts himself in, again and again screams anxiety to me. The facade kept things up for a while, but I would not be surprised if this is how he went through life for quite some time. Plus the fact that Type also shows this need for a facade by trying to be a perfectionist is very interesting as well. 

Of course, I can be wrong in all of this. Please don’t hold me to it, but as a person who profoundly resonates with Tine, and would consider myself to be well versed in anxiety, I think that Tine most likely does have a form of anxiety. He just takes “self-doubt” to the next level. 

As always I am welcome to discussion! Credits to those blogs with the posts I linked to! 

Thank you for reading, I hope you guys are all staying safe, and I look forward to tomorrows episode ^-^ 

I am so not ready to let it go 😭😭

[centerofstupidity]

Varney the Vampire Chapter 3

If you enjoy the content you are reading, please like and follow the Center of Stupidity blog.

Interested in reading the previous Varney the Vampire chapter snarks? They can be found here. 

Chapter summary: Our intrepid heroes the local village idiots shoot Varney. Of course, Varney is wearing thick plot armor.

Which means we get another chapter where characters standing and talking along with more melodrama.

In the event that this gets flagged, here is another place to read the chapter snark. 

"He is human!" cried Henry;

You just saw a guy with "metallic eyes" whose mouth was "dabbled in blood" after attacking Flora.

But you are still coming to the conclusion that Varney is human...

Wow, somebody has the I.Q. of Bella Swan.

And yes...

I know that prior to this story being published, vampire lore wasn't well known and culturally speaking vampires were a rather new phenomenon in England.

But if somebody saw what Henry had seen, their first thought wouldn't be "That guy was human and not a supernatural creature."

"I have surely killed him."  

He was wearing thick plot armor.

Marchdale agrees and says that they should go outside the wall and find the body.

And here comes a long sentence.

This was at once agreed to,

Hopefully this means we won't have another chapter where characters are just standing around talking to each other.

and the whole three of them made what expedition they could towards a gate

Who knew heading towards a gate was such a strenuous task?

which let into a paddock, across which they hurried, and soon found themselves clear of the garden wall,

According to Merriam Webster, a paddock is usually enclosed area used especially for pasturing or exercising animals.

And the Collins dictionary states that a paddock is a field where horses are kept or exercised.

So why would anyone have a garden next to a paddock?

First of all, you'd be smelling animal droppings.

And the end of the day, somebody would be walking the animals through the garden in order to put them in the stable or barn.

So...

so that they could make way towards where they fully expected to find the body of him

And I bet dollars to doughnuts that they won't find a corpse.

who had worn so unearthly an aspect,

Maybe because he is....

I don't know... Not human!

but who it would be an excessive relief to find was human.

Because a blood-drinking fiend is normal.  

So hurried was the progress they made,

That they were sweating like pigs!

that it was scarcely possible to exchange many words as they went;

Unless they suddenly lost the ability to speak...

They can still talk.

a kind of breathless anxiety was upon them,

Sorry, authors.

I don't care what happens to these people.

and in the speed they disregarded every obstacle,

Because in a potential dangerous situation...

It is sensible to be unaware of one's surroundings.

which would, at any other time, have probably prevented them from taking the direct road they sought.

Is the gate obstructed by litter or debris?

If so, why?

And if not, what would have prevented them from taking the direct route?

It was difficult on the outside of the wall to say exactly which was the precise spot which it might be supposed the body had fallen on; 

Unless Henry has the attention span of a ferret high on crack...

Henry should remember where he shot Varney.

And by knowing that, he could determine where the body should be.

but, by following the wall its entire length, surely they would come upon it.

I bet that they are not going to find a body.

They did so; but, to their surprise,

Found a leprechaun.

they got from its commencement to its further extremity without finding any dead body, or even any symptoms of one having lain there.

Varney is alive!

Well... For a member of the Undead.

At some parts close to the wall there grew a kind of heath,  and, consequently, the traces of blood would be lost among it,

According to Collins Dictionary, a heath is an area of open land covered with rough grass or heather and with very few trees or bushes.

And Merriam Webster defines it as a type of plant or uncultivated land usually with poor and coarse soil.  

Which means they are referring to a type of plant.

So unless it has the magical ability to absorb blood...

The three men should be able to find blood if Varney was wounded.

And now that I'm thinking about it, a vampire plant is a cool idea.

if it so happened that at the precise spot at which the strange being had seemed to topple over, such vegetation had existed.

Ugh. Reading this made my brain hurt.

So there was some vegetation when Varney fell over...

And now it no longer exists.

Even though we were told a few seconds ago that the plants made it impossible to see any blood.

So the three guys walk around the wall twice and they can't find anything.

"It could not have been a delusion," at length said Mr. Marchdale, with a shudder.

Also, that's not how delusions work. 

Just you see something, doesn't mean that it is real. 

And sometimes the delusions are very vivid. 

"Then what terrible explanation can we give?"

This sentence sounds weird. It is because they used the word "terrible". Right now, it sounds like one of the men are asking for a bad explanation. 

I think the correct word would be "other." But as Mark Twain wisely said:

"By heavens! I know not," exclaimed Henry. 

If you knew what was going on, then you wouldn't be bewildered.

"This adventure surpasses all belief, and but for the great interest we have in it, I should regard it with a world of curiosity."

*Takes a deep breath *

That's right, gentlepersons.

A person has been brutally attacked.

But the situation is described as being an "adventure."

Fuck this book with a chainsaw!

"It is too dreadful," said George; "for God's sake, Henry, let us return to ascertain if poor Flora is killed."

You mean that it is a good idea to do an investigation before coming to a conclusion???

"My senses," said Henry, "were all so much absorbed in gazing at that horrible form, that I never once looked towards her further than to see that she was, to appearance, dead. God help her! poor -- poor, beautiful Flora. This is, indeed, a sad, sad fate for you to come to. Flora -- Flora -- "

"Do not weep, Henry," said George. "Rather let us now hasten home, where we may find that tears are premature. She may yet be living and restored to us."

They all agree and hurried back to the house.

Henry, after some trouble, got the hall door opened by a terrified servant, who was trembling so much that she could scarcely hold the light she had with her.

"Speak at once, Martha," said Henry. "Is Flora living?"

  "Yes; but -- "

  "Enough -- enough! Thank God she lives; where is she now?"

Martha says that Flora is in her bedroom and proceeds to freak out.  The three guys rush into the room.

Several lights had been now brought into that antique chamber,

But they clashed with the decor.

and, in addition to the mother of the beautiful girl who had been so fearfully visited,

Somebody placed a creepy clown doll on the nightstand.

there were two female domestics, who appeared to be

using their cell phones and are on Twitter.

in the greatest possible fright,

Because after seeing Flora's mother in a sheer nightgown...

Somethings can't be unseen.

for they could render no assistance whatever to anybody.

Translation?

They are useless.

The tears were streaming down the mother's face,

Because some asshole randomly decided to cut a lot of onions.

and the moment she saw Mr. Marchdale, she clung to his arm,

She was doing a Bella Swan impersonation.

evidently unconscious of what she was about,

Um...

She suddenly doesn't know who she is?

and exclaimed, --

Shitty dialogue mixed with an exposition dump.

"Oh, what is this that has happened -- what is this? Tell me, Marchdale! Robert Marchdale, you whom I have known even from my childhood, you will not deceive me. Tell me the meaning of all this?"

Aside from the "As you know Bob" dialogue...

The mother called Marchdale by his surname and then used his full name.

This doesn't make any sense.

In Victorian times, especially in formal settings, people would be referred to by their surnames or titles.

But if people were friends, they would be calling each other by their first name.

So the mother would be referring to Richard Marchdale as Richard.

Also, just because you know someone from childhood....

It doesn't mean that they are a honest person.

"I cannot," he said, in a tone of much emotion.

"As God is my judge, I am as much puzzled and amazed at the scene that has taken place here to-night as you can be."

And in other news, the Pope is Catholic and bears shit in the woods.

Anyway, the mother bawled her eyes out. I don't blame her.

I would too if I found out that I was a character in a penny dreadful.

"It was the storm that first awakened me," added Marchdale; "and then I heard a scream."

Let's rewind, shall we?

Marchdale asked the two brothers what's going on.

Then Flora started shrieking.

The sound caused Flora's mom to faint.

Marchdale grabs her so she doesn't hit the floor.

He tells Harry/Henry to hold his mother.

Finally, Marchdale cries “Follow me who can!” as he heads towards Flora's room.

What does all this mean?

Flora's mother and the three men heard a noise. Which means, Marchdale wasn't the only one that heard screaming.

Also, Marchdale never previously mentioned that he was awakened by the storm.

Normally, the second point wouldn't be suspicious. But considering the fact that Marchdale lied...

It sounds like he is trying to create an alibi.

In conclusion?

Anyway, the brothers are quivering as they approach the bed. Flora is sitting in bed, being propped up with pillows.

She was quite insensible,

How is this unusual?

It would be MORE surprising if Flora was in a lively mood.

and her face was fearfully pale;

All you need is some glitter, and Flora would be a perfect sparklepire.

while that she breathed

Another vampire failed in killing a damsel in distress.

at all

If Flora doesn't breathe, she would be dead.

could be but very faintly seen.

Um...

People normally don't take deep and heavy breaths.

On some of her clothing,

There was yellow stains.

about the neck, were spots of blood,

How is that possible???

When Varney bit Flora, blood was gushing. 

Which means the nightgown and the bed sheets should be soaked with blood. 

and she looked more like one who had suffered some long and grievous illness,  

You mean when someone is mauled by a vampire, they aren't going to look gorgeous??

Thanks for letting me know!

than a young girl in the prime of life and in the most robust health,

"She was so fit that she could do a triathlon!"

as she had been on the day previous

Because according to Varney the Vampire's logic...

Only healthy people are attacked by vampires.

to the strange scene we have recorded.

It isn't a normal occurrence to be attacked by a vampire.

"Does she sleep?" said Henry

Because the first words that should come out of a person's mouth after someone has been attacked...

Is to ask if they are sleeping.

as a tear fell from his eyes upon her pallid cheek.

Ah, the single tear.

How nauseating.

"No," replied Mr. Marchdale. "This is a swoon, from which we must recover her."

Quick! Somebody fetch the smelling salts!

Active measures were now adopted

Because reviving a damsel in distress is urgent!

Cue the dramatic music!

to restore the languid circulation,

Uh, "languid circulation"?

According to Merriam Webster, languid is defined as being "sluggish" or "lacking in force or quickness in movement."

Correct me if I'm wrong...

If somebody has slow circulation, it means that they have a serious health problem.

and, after persevering in them for some time, they had the satisfaction of seeing her open her eyes.

Instead of being relieved that Flora is awake...

They seem annoyed that it took so long for her to regain consciousness.

Her first act upon consciousness returning,

Was to exclaim her undying devotion to Varney.

however, was to utter a loud shriek,

A shriek is hardly quiet.

and it was not until Henry implored her

"Implored her”?

I guess only a filthy peasant would have used the word begged or pleaded.

to look around her,

To find that the hills are alive with the sound of music.

and see that she was surrounded by none but friendly faces, that she would venture again to open her eyes,

...

.......

Previously, Flora's eyes were already open.

But now, her eyes were closed but she then opened them.

'Ello contradiction!

and look timidly from one to the other.

At least she looked at them "timidly".

It would be unbecoming of a lady to act like a New Woman.

After Flora shuttered, she starts crying and says:

"Oh, Heaven, have mercy upon me -- Heaven, have mercy upon me and save me from that dreadful form."

"There is no one here, Flora," said Mr. Marchdale, 

There is:

Mr. Marchdale

Harry/Henry

George

Flora's mother

Two female servants

In total, there are six people in the room excluding Flora.

What Marchdale meant to say was there is nobody here that will harm her.

But as Mark Twain wisely said:

"but those who love you,

"If they really hated you, they would have buried you alive."

and who, in defence of you, if needs were would lay down their lives."

"Despite the fact that you have the personality of stale toast, we would die to save you."

Now that I'm thinking about it... If this was an Anita Blake book, this would result into a sex scene.

So after Mr. Marchdale's declaration, Flora starts yelling "Oh, God!"

"You have been terrified.

"Mr. Marchdale, why are you repeating the obvious?"

"It is because the authors think that the reader has the IQ of a house plant."

But tell us distinctly what has happened?

Gotta love how they must be told "distinctly".

I guess only peasants would only ask what happened.

You are quite safe now."

"Ignore the fact that while you were mauled by an unholy abomination, we bumblefucked around. But believe me when I say that everything is going to be alright."

She trembled so violently that

She resembled a chihuahua defecating on the lawn.

Mr. Marchdale recommended that some stimulant should be give to her,

Because even though the unholy creature will most likely return to try and suck Flora dry, it is best that she be high as a kite.

and she was persuaded,

Because it is like her mama taught her: when somebody offers free drugs, you accept the offer and then ask for a straw.

although not without considerable difficulty,

Because it was the first time, she stuck a needle in her vein.

to swallow a small portion of some wine from a cup.

Because drinking something is a strenuous task.

There could be no doubt but

First it was certain but now it isn't. 

In conclusion:

that the stimulating effect of the wine

Alcohol is a depressant.  

was beneficial,

Because when someone has been traumatized, the best thing to do is give them booze.

for a slight accession of colour 

According to the Cambridge dictionary, "accession" is a time when a country officially joins a group of countries or signs an agreement. It is also used when someone starts a position of authority especially a king or queen.

While Merriam-Webster defines "accession" as a process that someone rises to a position of power or something being added (such as an acquisition).

Which means that "accession" is not a synonym for "spread" or "blushed."

So in conclusion:

visited her cheeks,

At least it visited her.

A churl would have arrived unannounced.

and she spoke in a firmer tone as she said, --

Spoke is past tense word for speak and said is a past tense word for say.

Both words are used when someone is talking.

Which makes this part of this sentence redundant: . . . colour visited her cheeks, and she spoke in a firmer tone as she said, --

Personally, I would remove re-write the sentence as this:

. . . colour visited her cheeks and she spoke in a firm voice.

  "Do not leave me. Oh, do not leave me, any of you. I shall die if left alone now. Oh, save me -- save me. That horrible form! That fearful face!"

There is only so much melodrama that a person can endure, so I'll try to summarize some of it.

Henry asks Flora what happened. Flora then refuses to tell him.

Her reasoning? If she did that, then she would "ever sleep again."

Eventually, Henry convinces Flora to tell them what had transpired.

She placed her hands over her face for a moment, as if to collect her scattered thoughts,

Last time I checked...

If someone placed their hands over the face, it doesn't stop them from losing their train of thought.

and then she added, --

"By the way, I'm bi."

  "I was awakened by the storm, and I saw that terrible apparition at the window. I think I screamed, but I could not fly. Oh, God! I could not fly. It came -- it seized me by the hair. I know no more. I know no more."

Uh "could not fly"?

Humans don't have wings. Flora should know this.

Honestly, it would make more sense if Flora said that she could not flee.

After Flora runs her hand across her neck several times, Marchdale notices that she has a wound.

After he points out the obvious, Flora's mom freaks out and brings a light closer to the bed. This causes them to all see the wound but it is now only two small puncture marks.

It was from these wounds the blood had come which was observable upon her night clothing.  

Especially since the authors are hell bent on insisting that Flora's wounds are the size of paper cuts.

Since Henry has the same amount of brain cells as Bella Swan, he asks Flora how she got the wounds.

Of course, this causes Flora to reply that she doesn't know but it felt like she "almost bled to death."

 "You cannot have done so, dear Flora, for there are not above half-a-dozen spots of blood to be seen at all."

When Varney bit her, blood gushed.

That does not cause pinprick stains.  

Mr. Marchdale leaned against the carved head of the bed for support, and he uttered a deep groan. All eyes were turned upon him,

Instead of focusing on the vampire victim, we should care about this guy being so anguished.

and Henry said, in a voice of the most anxious inquiry, --

"Have you something to say, Mr. Marchdale, which will throw some light upon this affair."

Instead of a period, there should be a question mark since Henry/Harry is asking Mr. Marchdale something.

Mr. Marchdale then insists that he has nothing to say and that Flora should get some sleep.

  "No sleep -- no sleep for me," again screamed Flora. "Dare I be alone to sleep?"

Anywho… Henry assures Flora that she won't be alone because he will watch over her.

She took his hand in both hers, and while the tears chased each other down her cheeks, she said, –

  "Promise me, Henry, by all your hopes of Heaven, you will not leave me."

  "I promise."

Henry and Flora are siblings.

....

................

Somewhere Cassandra Clare is all hot and bothered.

Anywho…

Flora laid down, sighed, and then closed her eyes.  

"She is weak, and will sleep long," said Mr. Marchdale.

Two things.

Flora being weak? No shit Sherlock.

As for Flora sleeping soundly? That depends. She could have a nightmare and wake up.

  "You sigh," said Henry.

Marchdale didn't sigh. Flora did.

"Some fearful thoughts, I feel certain, oppress your heart."

It can't oppress the heart of the mailman who lives at the end of the street.

  "Hush -- hush!" said Mr. Marchdale, as he pointed to Flora. "Hush! not here -- not here."

  "I understand," said Henry.

  "Let her sleep."

Can she though?

I don’t know about you, but if people were in my bedroom talking and yelling…

It would wake me up.

It turns out that Flora is in a deep slumber. Hard to believe, I know.

The idiots are quiet for a minutes before George says something.

He tells Mr. Marchdale to look at it.

He pointed to the portrait in the frame to which we have alluded,

Translation: Wink wink! The portrait that we subtly pointed out is significant.

and the moment Marchdale looked at it

He thought: "Man, that picture is nightmare fuel."

he sunk into a chair

Because as it turns out, it was a bean bag chair.

as he exclaimed, --  "Gracious Heaven, how like!"

Aside from being redundant...

It is also cringe-worthy.

"It is -- it is," said Henry. "Those eyes -- "

"Pierce right though me."

"I wonder if he is related to my mother in law."

"And see the contour of the countenance,

According to Merriam Webster, contour is a structure of something or is an outline of a irregular figure.

Usually, contour is used to describe architecture or a shape of a car.

Which means the right word to use would be silhouette not contour.

In conclusion:

and the strange shape of the mouth."

"Who knew that someone can have a hexagon shaped mouth?"

"Exact -- exact."

Why is he saying the same word twice?

 "That picture shall be moved from here.

The correct word is portrait.

A picture can be a representation of a building, a landscape, or a person.

While a portrait is a painting or a picture of a person, especially the head and the shoulders.

In conclusion?

The sight of it is at once sufficient to awaken all her former terrors in poor Flora's brain if she should chance to awaken and cast her eyes suddenly upon it."

Too verbose.

It would be better if he just said "The sight of it will frighten Flora if she wakes up and looks at the portrait."

"And is it so like him who came here?" said the mother.

Why does everyone in the story have the same amount of brain cells as Bella Swan?

In case you are wondering, Bella has four brain cells.

Of course Marchdale confirms that yes, it is the same person.

"I have not been in this house long enough to ask any of you whose portrait that may be?"

Wait a tick...

Marchdale is a friend of Flora's mother.

So he must have been to the house multiple times.

Which means that the first part of the sentence is absolute horseshit.

As for the second part?

It makes sense that Marchdale didn't see the portrait since it is in Flora's bedroom.

A man entering a lady's bedroom that isn't a doctor would have created a scandal.

"It is," said Henry, "the portrait of Sir Runnagate Bannerworth, an ancestor of ours, who first, by his vices, gave the great blow to the family prosperity."

"Sir Runnagate Bannerworth"?

Reginald, Reynard, and Rupert are actual names.

Runnagate is not.

A quick Google search reveals that runagate is a word meaning "runaway", "vagabond", or "fugitive".

So bravo authors.

You have the subtlety of Stephenie Meyer.

"Indeed. How long ago?"

  "About ninety years."

  "Ninety years. 'Tis a long while -- ninety years."

It is really annoying when characters repeat stuff that that the reader already knows.

Aside from being redundant...

It is also treats the reader like they are an idiot who need everything to be spelled out in 72 pt Times New Roman font.

"You muse upon it."

  "No, no. I do wish, and yet I dread -- "

  "What?"

"To say something to you all. But not here -- not here. We will hold a consultation on this matter to-morrow. Not now -- not now."

Part of this chapter was dedicated to talking about Flora and the vampire.

'Ello continuity error!

Anyway... Henry tells everyone else they can go to bed because he is going to watch over Flora.

Of course, he describes it keeping "my sacred promise".  Can anyone say melodramatic?

Henry also adds that "The daylight is coming quickly on."

"I will fetch you my powder-flask and bullets," said Mr. Marchdale; "and you can, if you please, reload the pistols. In about two hours more it will be broad daylight."

First, the daylight is quickly approaching.

But now it is going to appear in two hours.

Which is it authors?

This arrangement was adopted.

It was placed with a loving family.

Henry did reload the pistols, and placed them on a table by the side of the bed, ready for immediate action,

In other words...

You only reload a gun if you are intending to use it.

  and then, as Flora was sleeping soundly,

It is still pretty impressive that she is sleeping...

Considering the fact that people are talking and moving around.

all left the room but himself. Mrs. Bannerworth was the last to do so.

She would have remained,

Because mommy dearest was busy reading the newspaper.

but for the earnest solicitation of Henry,

At least the solicitation was sincere.

Because if it wasn't, it should be refused out of principle.

that she would endeavour to get some sleep to make up for her broken night's repose,

...

..........

Why can't the authors just say that Henry pleaded with his mother go to bed?

It is much more concise than this verbose sentence.

  and she was indeed so broken down by her alarm on Flora's account,

How is this surprising?

It would be alarming if Flora's mother acted annoyed that Flora survived.

that she had not power to resist,

Before, Flora's mom wanted to stay.

Now she can't wait to leave.

Because only losers care about consistency!

but with tears flowing from her eyes,

Um...

Do tears flow anywhere else?

she sought her own chamber.

How is that unusual? People usually have their own bedroom.

Unless they are sharing a room with someone.

...

Now I can't help but wonder if Flora's mother wanted to spend the night with Marchdale.

Think that couldn't happen? Plenty of bad romance novels have a scene where a man comforts a woman and it results in sex.

And now the calmness of the night

There was inclement weather.

Hell, it was described as being the storm of the century.

resumed its sway

At least it swayed.

We don't want it standing idly by.

in that evil-fated mansion;

Because any horror writer knows, a good story always sucks the suspense out!

and although no one really slept but Flora,

Because most people would be sleeping soundly after a monster entered their home and attacked someone!

all were still.

They were practicing the pose used by many Mary Sues: wait around until life showers them with happiness.

Busy thought kept every one else wakeful.

And in other news: people will eventually die and karma is a bitch.  

It was a mockery to lie down at all,

They all must have hated Flora.

Because they are "still."

and Henry, full of strange and painful feelings as he was,

If this was a Philippa Gregory novel, these emotions would be incestuous.

preferred his present position

Because angst makes him feel alive!

to the anxiety and apprehension

That the reader is supposed to be feeling but frankly doesn't give a damn.

on Flora's account

Rather than the account of Miss Smith, a spinster who is the local librarian.

which he knew he should feel if she were not within the sphere of his own observation,

...

Because two pistols are enough to stop a member of the Undead. Logic be damned!

and she slept as soundly

All thanks to Nyquil!

as some gentle infant tired of its playmates and its sports.

Because a vampire victim should be compared to a tired infant.

*Takes a deep breath *

Thankfully, this chapter finally ends.

[soft-femagines]

Hello and welcome oh mighty bee!! uwu Could i please have some platonic headcanons with the Summoner and Raigh? Just something cute where they sort of treat him as their own child? Thank you so much! Good luck with the blog~♡

Thank you, lovely anon! And h*ck yeah, FE6! This is the purest of asks, it watered my crops and fed my family. Also this is 19 years late, but here you go, better late than never

Raigh Child Headcannons with Summoner

• When Raigh first showed up, you couldn’t see him because he was too short your initial response was “Oh my, how old are you?”

• At this, he immediately turned away from you and walked off. It took him about 12 steps to realize that he has no idea where he is. He walked back.

• “You. Tell me where I am and how to get back to Elibe.” You folded your arms at this rude child.

“Leaving so soon? You should stay awhile. You were summoned here for a reason, you know”

“….Hmph. Fine. Do you have a library?”

• As he reached the level of speaking with you as equals (which took quite awhile), you manage to glean a bit of information from his past.

• And once you find out that this child, who’s obviously growing up much too quickly, hasn’t had parents for as long as he can remember? “Yeah, I’m adopting you now. I give you permission to call me your mother/father. I encourage it, actually”

• At this, he just snorted. But he didn’t object

• You devote every bit of your time to being the parent he never had. He pretends to be annoyed by this (He’s actually really happy, but don’t say this out loud, he’ll set your shoes on fire or something)

• You notice he hasn’t eaten in a little while? Boom. Dino Nuggets. 

“Please, I’m not eight years old. I can’t possibly be seen eating these.”

 “Just eat your nuggets”

• He likes the nuggets. He’d never say that out loud though

• He spends a LOT of time in the library. Probably too much time. But he has to study the dark arts, to protect his family and destroy his enemies!

 “It’s 3:00 a.m. Why are you up? Go to bed.”

 “To truly study dark magic, one must first engulf themselves in the darkness to-”

 “Bed.”

 “Ok”

• You decide to introduce him to any other dark mages in the order of heroes, so he can study in a new way. When you tell him this, his eyes light up. For the first time, he’s genuinely excited in front of you!

“Really, you’d do that for me? When can I meet some?”

“How about now?”

“Wow, this is perfect! …..thanks.”

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that last bit, what was that?”

“Nothing!”

• He talks about all of the incredible magic he’s learning for the next few days, and about how there’s just so many different types, way more than what he could find back home! 

• Hearing him articulate on and on about something he’s passionate about makes your heart swell up in your chest. ‘Look at him go. You’re superb, you funky little dark mage’

• He begins thanking you for helping his studies in his own little ways. He starts saving you pastries (thERE WERE EXTRAS OK), bringing you tea (the servants made too much, I didn’t waNT TO WASTE IT), etc. He’s never been the best at making up excuses.

•“I must go meet with one of the mages now, I probably won’t return before long”

 “Slow down there. Don’t forget your tome!”

 “Oh, thank you mother/father.”

“Did… Did you just-”

 “No! I did not!”

• He dashes out of the room, red-faced, tome in hand. You almost cry. He finally called you…. You have begun to cry. You’re just too happy. Oh my gods. You’re sobbing. A lot.

• Listen. This kid grew up without any parents, and left his brother and friends when he was old enough to travel on his own (which, in Fire Emblem, is not very old). He hasn’t had physical or verbal affection in years, and he really needs some. If he’s not touch-starved by now, then I don’t know what is

• You compliment him as much as you can, but not excessively! He needs to feel appreciated, but not overwhelmed!

• You also begin hugging him every now and then. At first, he just kind of stiffens up and can’t function for a short while afterwards. But he gets used to it! He even starts to enjoy it a lot, please hug me more a little bit.

• Staying up late reading together one night, he begins to drift off… And falls asleep onto your shoulder

• As the night progresses, he curls into you, relishing the feeling of warmth and security he never had. He can’t ever remember feeling this loved

• When he does wake up, you’ve fallen asleep as well, and he begins to scream internally

• He wants to move

• But he also doesn’t 

• He stays. But only because he doesn’t want to wake you. Yeah, that’s what it is.

[grimmoiresque]

on the magick of acorns

oofh, is this one late. ever since @aureliel​ asked, i have been meaning to come up with a post about the magic of acorns, what they symbolize, what they can be used for, and a small spell or charm using the beloved little tree-nuts at their very best. i’ll preface this by saying that i have gathered most of this information from third-party sources (listed at the bottom) and apologies for how tardy this is, but, without further ado, let’s talk about acorns~

what, in biological, physical science, are acorns?

i believe it is always important to know the natural, physical qualities of what you work with in witchcraft, perhaps even moreso than the metaphysical properties, because these things often influence the metaphysical qualities of the item, and they will have an instant effect on you, your environment, your body, and all other aspects of your craft whether or not you put intention towards them (for example, a crystal that melts in water or a plant that is toxic if ingested). so, what is an acorn? acorns, also known as oaknuts, are botanically a nut, “a hard, dry pod that surrounds the fruit and a single seed inside” [1]. there aren’t many recorded allergies to acorns, but just in case, you probably shouldn’t expose anyone allergic to tree nuts or oak pollen to them [1], and be aware that if consumed in excess, they can be toxic [2].

there are over 450 species of oak worldwide, and many animals consume the acorn as a source of nutrients in the fall; in fact, 25% of the diet of deers is made up of acorns [1]! humans, too, can eat unshelled acorns, and despite the possibility of allergies, it turns out that they’re really good for you. “some acorns are 18% fat, 6% protein and 68% carbohydrate, equivalent to modern corn and wheat. they are also great sources of vitamin a and c” [1]. unfortunately, oak trees produce acorns only every 2-3 years, and to keep them safe, acorns contain tannins, a chemical that makes them bitter and hard to digest if you eat them raw[1]. tannins can also give certain people headaches (this is, for example, why i can’t drink much redwine; guess there’s no acorns for me), but you can remove some of them by boiling or soaking your acorns in water until the water stops changing color [2].

in short, these guys are protective little nuggets and nutritionally-packed power houses!

what are the medicinal properties of acorns?

again, let me preface this by saying that i am not a botanist, nor do i have a degree in a biological science (only psychological) and that the information presented in this post should not be taken as medical guidance without first consulting your physician or at the very least reading the research on your own. so, besides the incredible amount of vitamins and minerals these little nuggets contain to keep the seedling oak they carry healthy, what else can acorns do?

skin care! according to staughton (2019), “the rich tannin water can be topically applied to the skin in order to soothe burns and rashes, speed up healing of cuts and wounds, and reduce inflammation or burns” [2].

improve digestion. like most nuts, acorns are rich in fiber, which, well, you know. [2]

alleviate symptoms of diabetes or prevent it. because of their fiber content and relatively complex carbohydrate makeup, acorns can also “regulate blood sugar levels in the body, thus preventing the dangerous spikes and plunges of glucose that can lead to diabetes or endanger those already suffering from it” [2].

protect heart health. “these nuts have five times more unsaturated fats as compared to saturated fats, which ideally improve your overall cholesterol balance and prevent obesity, atherosclerosis, and other dangerous conditions that threaten heart health” [2].

boost energy levels. like most densely packed seeds and nuts, acorns are meant to sustain their cargo for long periods of time, and they make great sources of long-lasting energy [2].

keep bones healthy. “these nuts have five times more unsaturated fats as compared to saturated fats, which ideally improve your overall cholesterol balance and prevent obesity, atherosclerosis, and other dangerous conditions that threaten heart health” [2].

improve metabolism. “regular consumption of acorns can help regulate a number of enzymatic processes in the body that are crucial for overall health” [2].

promote healing. the proteins that acorns carry “are very important for the creation of new tissues and cells, repair of damaged areas and rapid healing following an injury or illness” [2].   

what are the metaphysical properties of acorns?

acorns are sacred to many cultures, and the celtic and druidic wiccan faith, the oak tree is seen as a symbol of samhain and a symbol of the horned god cernunnos [3]. there are legends in wicca about the horned god’s dual personas, the oak king and the holly king, and how they do battle at midsummer and midwinter [4]. because acorns fall from only very old oaks, and can lay waiting for many years before they sprout into their own saplings, they are seen as symbols of patience, perseverance, and they carry energy that “aids in maintaining longevity…and preserves the illusion of youth” [3]. “between midsummer and throughout autumn, a dried acorn worn as an amulet around the neck brings a youthful glow, good luck, and protection” [4]. security, luck, and abundance are the key energies that acorns carry, from their hard shell and the rich nutrients inside [3, 4]. they are also said to attract fae if gathered on the night of a full moon.

oak trees are associated with yule, the dagda, the wild hunt, king arthur’s round table, wrens, black, white carnelian, moonstone, fire, sun, lightning, thunder, janus, dianus, cybele, rhea, pan, cernunnos, erato, hekate, zeus, jupter, thor, and bridhid [5]. they are seen as doors to the three worlds of the shaman [5].

what is an example of acorns in magick?

the sources i’ve used here each have some sample of using acorns in magick, whether it is for youthful appearances [3,4,5], amulets to attract the fae [4,5], wards[5], or even to make coffee [2]. however, i was asked specifically about abundance and luck, and what better way to showcase that than an abundance jar! abundance jars are great gifts to make around yuletide when oaks and acorns are out enforce and the battle between the oak and holly king looms forth, and my late mentor would often make them for the couples at yule to bring abundance and fertility into the home. unfortunately, i am unable to share her original spell for their creation at this time because my digital grimoire from her lies packed away from moving. however, all magick is personal, and so long as your intent is clear, your ingredients don’t matter. to make a simple abundance jar with acorns, here is what you need:

a jar! you can use a standard small mason jar, an old candle jar that’s been cleaned out, or any one of the crafting jars from a craft store.

acorns, the star of the show. grab a good handful.

some cinnamon sticks

frankincense essential oil

pine needles, juniper, or rosemary

pennies, the older the better for their copper content

if your jar is big enough, a pinecone that will fit in the jar

green and gold ribbon

a green candle (the darker the better)

any other ingredients or items that scream “abundance” to you (i might suggest citrine or jade)

a pen

start by lighting your candle, and gathering all your ingredients. if you have a deity or believe in them, call upon their aid or the aid of one in their pantheon who is fluent with finances or known for wealth and luck; this is optional, but as with the other ingredients, it can strengthen your craft. make sure that you have a clear picture of who you wish to gift the abundance to if it is someone other than yourself (you can literally use a picture), and write their names on the jar. because i practice with runes, i also like to inscribe runes on the jar with the names, and you can add sigils if you like; make the spell yours.

now that your jar is dedicated, fill it up! add in our acorns, pennies, pine/junpier/rosemary, a pinecone if you can manage it (another long-lasting and patient seed house), and any other ingredients you choose. take your cinnamon sticks and use your pen, or an anthame if you prefer, to write the words or runes that you would like to include in this spell: abundance, prosperity, gifts, whatever it is that you want to manifest from this jar. add in the cinnamon sticks, and close your eyes. envision the light of the candle you burn, the luck of your gods, and all the feelings you wish to manifest as coiling together in a golden thread that fills the empty spaces of the jar or nests inside the acorns.

if you prefer to work magick with words, repeat the following incantation, or whatever sings loudest to your soul:

steadfast oak and copper shine abundance thrive with luck divine so i will it, so mote it be

seal up your jar, add the frankincense to the melted candle, and carefully pour the wax over the seal. using the wax to seal the jar is optional, but it does make it look pretty in the end, and it allows you to carve in more runes or sigils. when the wax has dried, tie off the jar with your ribbon, and tada! a great spell to draw long-lasting abundance and luck that makes a sweet decoration and a beautiful gift.

 references

[1] buchanan, a. (30 aug. 2014). 8 things you didn't know about acorns. [blog post]. retrieved from https://labbenchtoparkbench.wordpress.com/2014/08/30/7-things-you-didnt-know-about-acorns/

[2] staughton, j. (04 jan. 2019). 8 amazing benefits of acorns. retrieved from https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/seed-and-nut/acorns.html

[3] raine, a. (9 june 2014). herbs: the magickal acorn. [blog post]. retrieved from https://wytchymystique.com/2014/06/09/herbs-the-magickal-acorn/

[4] blue, l. (10 nov. 2018). acorns and magick. [blog post]. retrieved from https://aminoapps.com/c/pagans-witches/page/blog/acorns-and-magick/wj0b_va8fxu72dpzp15vxvl8vgrxpr6dnld

[5] oak. witchipedia. retrieved from http://www.witchipedia.com/herb:oak

[bhavnasblog-blog]

Kedarnath Trek

My first proper introduction to Kedarnath was post the tragedy that struck it in 2013.

I was roped in by Wizcraft and Entertainment Production House to do a live charity show for Star Plus to collect funds to help for relief and rescue.

From learning about Kedarnath to having the privilege of inviting the first man who flew the helicopter to give an overview of the extent of damage caused to being in constant touch with NIMS until they built the new trek route – Kedarnath became a part of me!

It was finally in 2017 that I finally decided to embark on the journey myself.

Mumbai to Dehradun by flight and then a hired car to take us to Sonprayag – the base of the trek, was a simple plan.

The drive from the airport with the usual traffic jam at Rishikesh was pleasant until the sun set.

Before that the driver had taken the route into Badrinath and only after an hour of driving on the road did we realize that we were on the wrong route.

Treading back to the point where we had to take a right, we saw quite a few landslides and rescue operations at work simultaneously.

The night drive into Sonprayag was anything but pleasant.

The roads were bad because in the month of July, the monsoon had set in and the nightfall wasn’t helping much.

The saving grace was the hotel which happened to be one of the best in the small town.

Except of course for flies!

The deluxe room had a lovely balcony but one couldn’t open the door, because that would be an invitation to hundreds of flies, which would then not leave the room.

The next morning we took the hotel car and went to the market wherein there is the government office which makes your biometric pass, mandatory if you are traveling to Kedarnath.

The small little office had no electricity for a half hour. But once the power came on, it didn’t take even 30 seconds to get the biometric pass made.

Not really knowing how the 18 kilometers would be, the next morning, we tried our best of calling all the helicopter carriers asking them if they had seats available. We were out of luck.

Trekking was the only option and a little reluctant at first, we decided to go for it.

The hotel car dropped us at the same spot like the day before where we were pounced upon by guides.

The first one sounded reasonable and decent enough and we agreed to go with him. Little did we know that he was only an agent and would hand us over to others.

From Sonprayag the walk of about a kilometer and a half with a running stream on the right are the first steps towards heaven.

With excess shooting luggage on our backs, it would be a difficult trek but we were by now raring to go.

A shared car from there takes you the next 5 kilometers to Gaurikund.

For a mere 20 rupees per passenger, we were at the Gaurikund parking lot in less than ten minutes.

Before we could alight from the car, rain was greeting us.

Thankfully having read a lot about the place, we were ready with our ponchos. No, not raincoats! Ponchos. Which are more ideal for mountain trekking and when you have luggage on your back.

The flight of stairs from Gaurikund were heavy and the rain stalled us for almost an hour.

Sitting at a local chai stall, I started chatting up the locals asking them their personal experiences of the 2013 tragedy.

They all had stories to tell of loss, of faith, and most importantly of things returning to normalcy.

Within no time, our guide who had earlier been racing up and down because he couldn’t manage to find boys, and had gotten into an ugly squabble, finally appeared with two teenagers who were supposed to accompany us the rest of the way.

The guide’s job was done and he put us on our mules and wished us luck.

I remember literally crying as it had been years that I had ridden a horse. A luxury which I had experienced growing up because back in the day, Juhu beach was allowed to have horses and camels.

This terrain was difficult and the mule wasn’t a huge, sturdy one. Unlike a horse!

There was no turning back now. The only way was the way forward.

Chanting Om Namah Shivay, I went from screaming everytime the mule climbed a step to enjoying the scenery around in no time.

The first stop was Bhimbali where we alighted the mule after almost an hour.

The mule had sips of water and we had some light snacks before setting on the journey once again.

I remember looking at the road signs and thinking to myself, we are never going to make it to the top.

You never really get used to the motion of the mule because the trek route is not a steady one. At times there is a climb, or a downhill or steps, it is like being on a roller coaster for hours on end.

The most important tip of the day was to pack light and carry only bare minimum essentials, but we were stuck with carrying all our shoot equipment and that loaded on our backs was making each step difficult.

It would even maybe easier to walk all the way if you are not carrying too much luggage.

I have to admit that looking at much older men and women who were walking it up slowly and steadily, it did put me to shame more than once during the entire journey.

NIM has done a wonderful job of building sheds to protect people from the random mountain rains and pit stops for mules to feed and drink and also places to sit.

On the way the guide pointed to Rambara which used to be an entire village enroute to Kedarnath which was washed away in the 2013 flashfloods and the site was scary.

No remnants of the place now were visible.

A little after Lancholi, the second pit stop, where some people halt the night before trekking the next day to Kedarnath, comes a point where the path is covered with snow and it is very likely for even the mule to slip and fall.

We decided to get off the mule just before that point and walk it from there on for a bit.

The wet ponchos and the cold breeze were making it difficult to walk on the upwards slope and we found ourselves stopping after every 15 to 20 steps.

After about an hour of walking, we found our mules and our guides lazing and decided to hop back on.

There are several places on the trek route, where there are no railings and one is constantly under the fear of the mule going astray and jumping into the valley.

I must’ve given my mule a scare a couple of times with all the screaming.

Having started at 10 am on the mule from Gaurikund about 3:30 in the afternoon was when we finally reached the point till where the mules are allowed.

It was a 2 kilometer walk even past this point.

We were lucky to have been approached by Ganesh whose job was to hunt for guests to rent out rooms to.

He offered to carry our luggage as we slowly made our way to the top.

This is the toughest part of the trek because after 5 to 6 hours on a muleback, every part of your body is literally aching and with not adequate oxygen at that high above the sea level, it is a task to walk for 2 kms.

But the first moment you lay your eyes on the Kedarnath temple with its magnificient backdrop, every pain, every ache, every difficulty is forgotten in an instant.

Trekking to Kedarnath once in your lifetime is highly recommended.

More about tips in the next blog.

 To watch the trek video, click here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUwTsyAH6RA

[earlgreyandadderall-blog]

What Does ADHD Look Like In Girls? - Things I Wish I Knew Ten Years Ago

Hello world!  

I'm back, as promised, and today I'm going to talk about some stuff I wish I knew ten years ago- ADHD symptoms that are common in girls but often get overlooked. Why, you may ask? Because a teacher or parent normally won't notice that a child is struggling unless it's very apparent – if she is extremely hyperactive and disruptive, for example – or if the child admits that they are struggling. That girl in the corner who's always daydreaming, but still gets good grades? Or the one who has a hard time making friends or making relationships work, but otherwise seems "normal" (whatever that means)? She's going to be passed over while her teacher is busy worrying about the boy who can't stay in his seat for more than five minutes. Plus, girls with ADHD are more likely than boys to internalize their struggles, so if you or your child is anything like me, you might not realize something is off until high school or even later, and even when you do, you might be too embarrassed to ask for help.

If anyone besides my mom ever starts reading this blog, one thing that would make me really really happy and feel as if I've made a difference is if even one young woman out there doesn't have to go through the failed relationships, ruined friendships, and lost semesters that I had to go through before she realizes something deeper is going on than just laziness and being emotional. If you're a girl who often feels like she's getting in her own way and suspects there might be something up, but aren't really sure what it might be, here are some often-overlooked ADHD symptoms that you might relate to.

1.   Daydreaming/Getting Bored in School

As long as I can remember, I've had a hard time paying attention in class. When I was very young, I would get called out for daydreaming all the time. I worked on my French homework in science class, flipped aimlessly through my agenda while the teacher was talking, and doodled all over ever single desk I've ever sat in. In grade five, I got in trouble for – get this – reading a book during a spelling test. Don't ask me how I thought I was gonna get away with that, but I was sooooooo booooooored and the teacher was taking soooooo loooooong to read these words that I knew how to spell in grade one. That's a big reason why inattentiveness in female students often gets overlooked- girls with ADHD don't usually perform poorly, especially in elementary school. Because I was gifted, my inattentiveness was treated as a quirk rather than a problem. I had a handful of teachers who tried to give me harder work to keep me motivated, but more often than not I was left to entertain myself. It always bothered me that kids who needed extra help got IEPs, the latest learning technologies, and one-on-one time with the teacher, but kids like me, who needed an extra challenge, were neglected

 2.     Impulsive Spending

The most important thing to keep in mind when analyzing the behaviour of people with ADHD is that our brains don't produce or transmit enough dopamine, which is the feel-good chemical that controls reward-motivated behaviour. Because of that, we seek out anything that will give us a dopamine rush... the only problem is that those behaviours are usually impulsive. You know the saying money can't buy happiness? Yeah, not necessarily true for ADHD brains. At least for a little while after buying something we've managed to convince ourselves we so totally need, we actually do feel really happy, because we're experiencing a dopamine high. My friend recently got me into doing my makeup properly, and I'm embarrassed to admit how much I've spent at Sephora in the last month.  I know it's dumb, but I do it anyway. Why? Because ADHD brains have a hard time distinguishing what is urgent from what is important. Once I get it in my head that I need that contour kit right now (because what if a surprise event comes up in the next week?), I can't convince myself otherwise. That sense of urgency releases dopamine, which tells my brain that wasting $60 to look more like the MUAs on Instagram will make me happy. And for an hour or two it does!... Until I look at my bank account.  

3.     Relationship Problems

So, dopamine rush-producing behaviours are usually impulsive, right? What does that look like when it comes to romantic relationships? Dopamine-seeking brains love anything that's new and novel, and that includes the first phase of a relationship, when you're sooooo in love and can't get enough of each other. Of course, that phase ends, and neurotypical people settle into a more lowkey relationship just fine. ADHD brains? Not so much. If you don't recognize what you're experiencing as a dopamine withdrawal, you may interpret it is a lack of love from your partner, or as a sign that the relationship is getting boring. I tend to fall into the first category, and people like me can become really insecure thinking that our partner doesn't care about us. We become excessively demanding and need dramatic displays of affection all the time, which naturally alienates our partners. If you're somebody who just gets bored, that can result in two unhealthy behaviours: one, moving really quickly from one relationship to the next and never learning how to be alone, and two, cheating. If any or all of these three behaviours are a pattern in your life, you just might have a dopamine shortage, and are unknowingly looking to your partner(s) to fix it.

4.    Word Vomit

It's really hard for me to explain my tendency to over-explain every little thing (ha, that's ironic), especially if I'm nervous about it. Have you ever taken seven sentences to say something that could have been said in one? Found yourself repeating the same thing in different words three times? I find I do this the most when I'm apologizing, or trying to explain why I did something that someone else didn't like or understand. You think you're being helpful, but really you're just annoying the other person. Then you realize how annoying you're being, and apologize for being annoying five times, and now they're annoyed with you for apologizing for being annoying... okay, that's when you know it's time to turn your phone off and cool down. On top of excessive explaining, ADHD brains can get a little word vomit-y when we're talking about something we're passionate about. Just ask my mom- get me on the Israeli occupation of Palestine, or, at the moment, information about ADHD, and you won't get me off it. Sometimes we don't really know when to shut up. If you have a tendency to keep talking even when you know nobody is listening anymore, then you might want to keep reading.

5.    Road Rage

Everybody road rages once in a while (okay, I'm told that not everyone does, but I don't believe it. Come on, how can you NOT scream at the person in front of you going 5 km under the speed limit?) but I legitimately feel claustrophobic and panicky if I'm on a four-lane highway stuck behind a car in each lane going the same speed and I can't get out to pass them. If the person in front of me is doing something stupid, I could literally run them over I get so frustrated, and not just if I'm already cranky- I yell at someone on the road every single day. I'm told this is “apparently” because of our “inattentiveness” and “inability to sit still”, and not because everyone else on the road is a freaking idiot. I don't know if I believe it, but that's what I'm told, anyway. ADHD brains are also more likely to get into car accidents. I've never been in a major accident while driving, thank God, but I'm only 22, and I've had four minor fender benders that, embarrassingly, didn't involve other cars, but me driving into things in parking lots. Once, I just wasn't looking behind me and backed into a pole. Another time, I thought that texting in the Tim Hortons drive-thru was a good idea. You get the idea.

6.   Forgetfulness

Again, everybody forgets things once in a while. But if you're forgetting or misplacing your homework, your car keys, your purse, your work pants (yes, I have actually lost a pair of pants before) every single day, then there might be a problem. Once, I parked my car near campus, spent the day studying in my friends' office, and then got a ride back to my car at the end of the day. My friend Dan was driving up and down the street I told him I had parked on asking me "is that your car? What about that one?" before I realized that I had parked on a different street on the other side of campus. I never thought being a bit scatterbrained was a problem, and if it only happens once in a while, it probably isn't. But all of these symptoms together paint a different picture.

7.    Difficulties With Motivation

I never really enjoyed studying, and I guess I was lucky that throughout grade school and high school, I didn't have to do very much of it. It's not that I didn't like learning, it's just that studying for extended periods of time is so boring. Even in my first three years of university, my super strict immigrant parents watched me like a hawk, so I did what I needed to do, as difficult as it was at times. That all changed when my fourth year rolled around and I moved to Ottawa for an exchange. With no one to stand at the foot of my bed and scream at me until I dragged myself out of it, I just... didn't. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was just that I couldn't bring myself to. Same went for going to class, doing my readings, handing in assignments, showing up for exams... it wasn't pretty. This can also be a symptom of depression, and many people with ADHD, myself included, meet the diagnostic criteria for depression. The difference is that people with depression can't get out of bed because they're depressed; people with ADHD get depressed because they won't get out of bed.  We aren't lying in bed all day because our mood is low, but because we struggle with executive functioning - motivation, planning, organizing, and self-managing. Those things happen in the prefrontal cortex, and ours are underdeveloped. It can be hard to distinguish where the cycle begins for you, and before being diagnosed, I thought I had depression for sure, but as soon as my psychiatrist explained how ADHD works to me, it fit like a glove.

8.     Starting Projects and Never Finishing Them

This kind of goes hand in hand with lack of motivation, and it's something I've struggled with all my life. It's also one of the very few ADHD symptoms that isn't also a hallmark of something else, like depression or anxiety, so it should be a huge red flag if it's accompanied by some of these other symptoms! Most people tend to procrastinate things they don't want to do, like studying or cleaning their room. A big indicator that you might be dealing with something more than just laziness is when you procrastinate or don't finish even things you actually really want to do. And it's not because you're lazy or don't want to do it, it's because as great as it sounds, you just... can't. If you've ever started a scrapbook and tossed it to the side three days later, tried to start a club on campus but let it fall to the wayside, or created a blog then never actually updated it (I meant to have this posted a solid five days ago, whooooops), then you know what I'm talking about.

 9.       Being Scatterbrained

You're in the middle of a sentence and you completely lose your train of thought. Alternatively, you'll be halfway through a sentence then think of something more important that you want to say and totally abandon the idea you're halfway through and start talking about the new one instead. You interrupt people a lot, because you feel like you HAVE to say the thought that just popped into your head right now, lest it no longer be relevant if you wait five minutes, or even worse, you forget it again in 30 seconds. You're in the middle of an important text conversation but you open Instagram while you're waiting for them to text back... then half an hour later you're creeping your crush's ex's brother's best friend when you realize you never answered that super important text. You zone out while people are speaking directly to you, which makes you look super rude because it seems like you aren't paying attention. Our inability to focus hard on things can affect our lives in ways you never would have guessed- for example, I am terrible at proofreading and finding typos, and the number of assignments I've handed in with words missing from the middle of sentences is embarrassing. If this sounds like you (and if course, if this happens all day every day rather than once in a blue moon, because everybody get scatterbrained when they're overwhelmed), then you've come to the right place.

10.     Being SUPER Enthusiastic... Sometimes

We've already established that ADHD brains can have trouble with motivation and with staying committed to something long-term, but that doesn't capture the entire picture. If you think of depression as basically always being in a low state, ADHD is different in that you sort of swing from highs to lows and back again. Like I mentioned, ADHD brains don't have enough dopamine transmitters, and we kind of get addicted to anything that does produce a dopamine high. So if something does make us happy or excited, we're gonna be the happiest, most excited people on earth. My psychiatrist gave me a situation where an ADHD person might win $5 on a scratch off ticket, but the way they jump up and down all excited makes the people around them think they've won a million dollars. In my case, this often looks like getting really excited about a paper or assignment for a class I'm particularly interested in. I'll take out books from the library and hyper-focus on planning the assignment for about three days... then the whole "starting a project but never finishing it" kicks in, and that's a whole different story...

11.    Verbal Aggression (As Opposed to Physical Aggression)

Although I don't mean to generalize or to imply that every single boy or girl is the same, this tends to be a notable difference between girls with ADHD and their male counterparts. Girls are much less likely to be physically violent, but when you piss us off, or trigger our Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (that's what my next post is going to be about, by the way!)… watch out. You might get a verbal beatdown like you've never experienced before. This is one of the ugliest and most frustrating things about having ADHD for me. I'll tell the people I love that I hate them, that they're ruining my life, that I wish they were never born; I'll pick on the things I know they're sensitive about and call them every curse word in the book... only to regret it five minutes and sheepishly try to convince this deeply wounded person that I didn't actually mean it. It sucks. Big time.

And finally, the one I really wish I knew all this time...

12.    Being Diagnosed With Something Else

Throughout this post, I've given a dozen examples of the ways ADHD symptoms can appear like symptoms of depression and anxiety. ADHD in girls is notoriously misdiagnosed, and girls with ADHD are three times as likely as boys to be treated for depression before being properly diagnosed. Beyond that, ADHD can be comorbid with anxiety and depression. I've dealt with anxiety and panic attacks since I was eight, and was formally diagnosed with anxiety at 17. When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I was told that I meet all the diagnostic criteria for depression, but it was likely that treating my ADHD would make it go away. My depression went away within literally one week of starting ADHD medication. My anxiety did not go away, but it has been reduced by about 50%. I realized that about half of the somatic experiences I identified as panic attacks were not triggered by mental anxiety but by sensory overload because, as ADHD brains do, I was perceiving way too much of what was going on around me and getting overwhelmed to the point that I would experience panic attack symptoms- dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, you know the drill. Another statistic that would have made a difference in my life is that girls with ADHD are 2.7 times more likely to suffer from anorexia nervosa than girls without ADHD. I struggled with anorexia from age 16 to 19, so this was quite a shock to discover three years later. There's definitely some cool brain science behind that why that is, so maybe it'll be the subject of a future post!

 If you have any questions about this post, or think that you or a loved one might be dealing with ADHD, do not hesitate to reach out to me with any questions! I also want to stress that this might seem like a lot, and that anyone dealing with all of this crap would stand out from a mile away, but if that was the case, so many of us wouldn’t go undiagnosed until post-secondary. I experienced all twelve of these signs and symptoms, but the only ones that pushed me to see a psychiatrist were relationship problems, difficulty with motivation, and verbal aggression. Most of these things didn’t seem like they were impacting my day-to-day functioning- I get good grades, have a job, and have no trouble making friends. So please don’t get fall into the trap of telling yourself that what you’re going through “isn’t bad enough to be a real problem.” If something feels off, see a doctor, because you deserve to live the best life possible. 

That’s all for now folks! Stay tuned for my next post about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

[sunshinechii-scenarios]

Day with Jun

I've been gone from my Day with SVT series oooooof. I haven't been very inspired recently for these which sucks but I know my creativity will come back, hopefully LOL. Check out our always updating masterlist for the other parts! - Chii

✿ Seventeen’s Jun x Gender Neutral Reader ✿ Fluff ✿ 1.8k words ✿  Not requested ✿  Written by Chii

I made that divider only for this blog’s use so please don’t take it or use in your own posts, thank you .- Chii

Your morning started much later than you expected. At 3 PM your phone rang and Jun woke you up with a loud good afternoon.

“I'll be there in 10!” You lazily mumbled a ‘mhm’ as you hung up the phone. You remembered that Jun was off today and wanted to relax with you. You had prepared face masks, dumb movies and snacks before hand.

You passed out right after the call and drifted back into dream world. A few seconds went by in your head while 10 minutes really passed. The doorbell was being rung quickly and you jolted out if bed.

You fixed your hair while you walked to the door and found Jun standing at it. He had a baby blue bag at his side. You stared at his outfit and frowned.

“Why are you wearing that?” He looked at his outfit and bought his brows together in confusion.

“What do you mean? I think I look good.”

“A leather jacket and jeans! I thought you would come in something comfortable.” You had wanted him to be at his maximum comfort today.

“I didn't get the memo we were supposed to look like we just rolled out of bed.” He said as he rolled his eyes and continued to stand in the door frame. You crossed your arms and pulled him in.

“Come in already you idiot! You’re lucky I have basketball shorts and a hoodie that fit you.” You said as you started to walk off to your bedroom. He took off his shoes, leaving him in his socks and following you.

By the time he entered the room, you were already halfway into your closet looking for the articles of clothing. You threw a pair of basketball shorts on the bed

“Change into those, you know where the bathroom is.” He took the shorts and went into the bathroom down the hall to change.

While he did so, you finally found the dark green hoodie from the depths of your closet. Jun entered the room and you aimed perfectly to throw it had his face.

“Is this the Clap hoodie?” He recognized the print on the back, Specialized Video Technology.

“Yes it is!” You smiled happily as he shrugged off his leather jacket, leaving him in just a tee-shirt.

“Why’d you buy one? I could have easily given you mine or gotten an extra.” He said while pushing his head through the small opening. His hair was a mess afterwards and caused you to laugh.

“Because I want to support you guys and be a good friend? Why is that a question?” You pushed him to sit on your bed as you fixed his hair by combing it with your fingers.

“Alright, whatever. What are we doing today anyway?” Jun said as he started to walk back to the living room with you behind him. You clapped your hands and smiled.

“We’re gonna get pampered!” His expression dropped, he was bewildered. He stopped walking, turned around and looked at you.

“Excuse me?”

“Well, you work a lot so you need some sort of relaxation, right? I also have a lot of movies to watch and I just got paid so food is on me!” You happily said to him. You wanted him to feel like he didn’t need to do any work today, it was the least you could do as his friend. He sighed and shook his head.

“I wish you would have told me that before I bought some of my mom's cooking over. She was taking a connecting flight and stopped by the dorms. She likes you more than she likes me.” He turned back around to walk and sit on the couch with multiple throw pillows and a large fluffy blanket.

“I think I like your mom more than I like you.” You said as you followed but didn’t sit down.

“Low blow. Why are you standing? Get down here.” Jun looked up at you but you turned your head ‘no’.

“Get comfortable! I'll get the stuff, there's a few movies already there, the remote is right in front of you! Choose anything!” Jun picked up the remote and began to flip through the movies you put into a playlist titled “For Junhui!”

He heard your footsteps and turned his head towards the sound to be face to face with a bunch of face masks.

“Choose one!” He rolled his eyes and nodded an okay as he randomly picked up a mask, aloe. You placed it on the couch as you went to put the other ones away.

“Perfect! Your skin looks dry anyway.” Jun stared at your with an offended look. You turned to see his unamused expression.

“Oh stop it! I mean it in the nicest way possible.” You hit his shoulder lightly.

“Yea, sure. I can’t help it, they don’t use the right makeup for my skin type.” He whined, thinking back to when they used a super matte, self-setting foundation on his face for a photoshoot.

“Okay, okay. Shush so I can put this on.” You said as you pat his shoulder. He rested his head on the couch as you stood behind it, ripping open the green packaging. You removed the slimy mask and unfolded it. Carefully, you fit it onto his face.

“You’re getting it in my mouth.” Jun mumbled as the mask started to coat his lips.

“Then stop moving!” You hit his shoulder then carefully pulled the mask off his lips before dabbing off the excess with a tissue. You noticed the pale and cracked skin.

“Gross, do you use chapstick?” You said as you threw the tissue on the coffee table to discard later.

“I think it wiped off on the hoodie in all honesty.” Jun said slowly to avoid the mask from slipping down his face and coating his lips again.

“I'll grab mine. Your lips look crusty.” He nodded while you went off to your room to grab the chapstick.

You applied the chapstick to his lips that looked a little too inviting even though they were gross looking. You shoved the blue tube in his hands while you excused yourself to the bathroom to cool down.

You closed and locked the door. Turning on the water, you splashed your face with the cold water. You found a tray of nail polish that your cousin left by the sink last time she visited and a great idea popped in your head.

Fast forward a little bit and Jun was patting in the extra face mask essence into his skin with one hand while you prepped the other for applying nail polish on.

“I really don't get why you’re painting my nails.” Jun said while you filed his nails. You felt the calluses on his hands and furrowed your brows for a few seconds until Jun called your name. 

“Do you think you could black?” He asked while his hand slipped out of yours to observe your job well done on his nails.

“I think so, why?” You asked as you looked through the tray in search for a black bottle.

“I'd rather do black than the light blue you have right now.” He said as he pointed to the bottle of baby blue polish on the table.

“Fair enough.” You opened the bottle and started to paint his hands. The warmth was still the same as ever.

While waiting for the layers of nail polish to dry, you kept an eye on the time.3:50 PM, 4:00 PM, 4:10 PM and 4:20 PM.

“Is that opaque enough for you?” You let go of his hands.

 “Reminds me of when I was a vampire for that drama.” You thought back to his actor days and tried to hold back a laugh for what you wanted to say next.

“Oh Mr.Junhui sir please don’t suck my blood and kill me!” You said in a very sarcastic way and it caused him to roll his eyes.

“You’re lucky my nails are still wet and I like them.” “Are you hungry by the way?” You said as you turned on the TV to slide a movie disk into it.

“Not really but let's order now. If we order any later than we’ll be stuck in the dinner rush.”

“Smart, pizza?” You asked.

“YES! I’ve been on this diet that Soonyoung put us on and I haven’t laid eyes on pizza in a month.” He groaned and you laughed at his manner.

You ordered the pizza but it looked like others got the same idea. There was an hour and 45 minute wait but Jun didn’t care. You pulled some snacks from the drawers in the kitchen and shared them between you two.

Jun took a photo of his nails and send them into the SVT group chat. They replied with a photo of a giant couch fort. Based on the photo, Vernon was taking the photo since you counted 11 boys in it.

“Do you think my nails are dry?” You shrugged and pushed the tip of your finger at his.

“Yes they are. Why?”

“Wanna build a fort?”

“Uh, yeah!” You two got to work and started to throw cushions and blankets all over the place. In half an hour your fort was erected in all its beige and soft glory. 

You two sat inside and dragged all the snacks in along with you. The comedy movie that you had put in earlier was just ending when Jun suggested something. A horror movie?

“Aren’t you bad with horror movies?”

“Sadly but where’s the fun in watching a comedy with my best friend?”

“Fine, I’ll dig something out.” You said as you walked away and came back a few minutes later with a Scary Movie disk in hand. Scary Movie was one of those movies that parodied the unoriginal scary movie cliches and made them funny.

(Scary Movie is rated R so please don’t watch it or the other movies in the series without an adult.)

The door rang when the climax of the movie had just died down. Jun offered to get it while you paused the movie. He sat down and opened the box in front of you two. 

“Are we really in a couch cushion fort setting pizza and watching Scary Movie right now?”

“Yes we are.” He rolled his eyes as he got another slice of pizza. His eyes drifted down to you leaning on him while covering your eyes. He wasn't a big fan of ghosts either but he blocked out the movie. You were much more entertaining. A light bulb went off in his head and he wanted to scare you. 

He unnoticeably moved his shoulder so his hand stopped right behind your back. The hand walked up your back. You screaming thinking it was a really big bug or a ghost, either one was bad. Jun’s laugher caused you to hit him. 

“Y/N, thanks for today.” He said sincerely as he hugged you lightly.

“Ah! What are you talking about? You decided to spend today with me instead of resting.” You tried to hide the blush that creeped on your cheeks and watched the movie on the screen.

“I made a good choice thought! I wish we could spend forever like this” Jun said. You wished the same.

I was in a RUSHHHH to finish this bc I felt bad that I hadn’t been keeping up with my written series that I work on! - Chii

Please don’t claim this as your own and please don’t do anything with it without my permission. If you don’t want it happening to you, don’t do it to others.

[rainbowcolouredstudies]

Hello, I need advice. Do you ever feel so sad and discouraged that you need a break? Everyone on tumblr says it’s fine to take care of yourself and chill out from time to time. But what if the excessive amount of bad days stops me from being productive? I’m in the last year of highschool so passing the finals is my top priority, but that is often too stresful to bear. What if my mind just figures it’s best to be depressive cause that means leisure?... Btw I’m so glad I’ve discovered your blog!💗

Hello, thank you for your question, I am truly honored that you came to me for advice! ✨ 

Okay so when I read your question, I literally thought this could be written by me. 2017 was my last year of highshool and now am studying at a university. Both when I was 16, 18 and now 19 I experienced what you describe so I totally understand how you feel.

Prepare for a long answer, because first of all I tell you what not to do, because these things really make it so much worse over time and I am speaking from experience…

Do nothing that harms you in any way. Self-harm is obvious but what I mostly mean is, do not force yourself to study if you feel really depressed. Do not work the whole night, do not skip hours of sleep, don´t start drinking large amount of coffee just to be awake and concentrate. (Huge amount of coffee actually can harm your stomach and heart permanently so please always be careful with that!) Don´t forget to eat regularly and at least kinda healthy (you can eat sweets and you don´t have to eat mostly fruit and vegetable and nuts, but don´t eat only junk food), don´t forget to go outside, move around. If you can do sports that would be the best, but if not, go for a walk. Don´t start laying or sitting around all day.

Basically you have to leave this phase of depression behind you. This can be really tough and everyone needs different things to manage it, but with time you will figure out what helps you.

You have to start with little steps, you can´t just leap forward back into being hyper-productive. It won´t work and if it does, only for very short and afterwards you conditions will be worse.

1. Suggestions for first steps (”phase1″) (you can do all of them as little first steps, or you can choose one of them or some of them and if that was effective, go on the “phase 2″)

a) If you have missed a lot of sleep during the last weeks, sleep for as long as you can. Chose a day when you don´t have to get up at a certain hour, and don´t set an alarm. When your mind tells you to get up and work, but you still feel tired, keep sleeping. If you can´t sleep anymore, lay in bed, try to turn off all your thoughts and soon your body will win over your mind and you will sleep on. Really take the concious decision that it is ok for you to sleep as long as you need that day, or you´ll feel guilty and stressed and it wouldn´t help.

b) If you like music, and have the possibilty, go to a concert you like. Let yourself fall into the music, the lyrics, the beat. Scream and sing from the top of your lungs, jump and dance, forget about everything else, cry till you have no more tears, laugh till your body hurts. Experience yourself, the event and the emotions to the fullest. It will have a cleansing effect on you and you will feel so much better afterwards. (Of course this might be impossible to do that spontaneous, but you can book a concert ahead of time next time. Chose one that is during a stressful phase and really force yourself to go there. If you like concerts, you will not regret it, despite the loss of studying time.)

c) If you can´t go to a concert, or you don´t like them, but music and the lyrics mean a lot to you. In this case you surely know an artist, an album, a playlist, with songs that help you. That make you think opitmistic, that pick you up when you are down, that make you dance or at least want to move. (I don´t know about your music taste but for me The Cruxshadows are simpy the best in these situations (but only their new stuff)!) If you know the lyrics, sing to them. If you feel way too down to identify with the positivity of the songs, but you once did identify with them, force yourself to listen to them anyways. Sing along, as much as you can. If you don´t know the lyrics, listen to the songs on repeat, move to them, dance. You might feel like they don´t work because this world of positivity and light and hope and happiness is far away from your own world, but your subconscious will register them, and they will start to work in your subconscious. It may take time till you notice it, but it does work.

d) One important question is, if you still feel emotions? I´ve experienced two kinds of depression in such situation, one where I could cry all day and about everything, and one where I feel nothing at all.

Another tip with music for both cases:

constant despair, panick, crying all the time: Of course under the assumption that you love music and that lyrics or songs can help you in hard times. Sort your bands/songs into three kinds:

1. Sad, total despair, perfect for crying and being down and depressed.

2. Not really positive, but also not really negative. They are not really optimistic but there is some hope in the lyrics, or something that gives you a bit hope.

3. Optimistic lyrics, with lots of hope and light and happiness and positivity in them.

Now start with number 1. Cry all your tears out, but make sure you know why you are crying. Think about what makes you cry. Is it the stress? Is it fear of not passing your finals? Is it something else that tears you down? Focus on these thoughts and cry until you don´t feel the need to cry anymore. Get up, wash your phase, chose songs from number 2. Search for songs that feel right in that moment. Search for songs that give you the feeling it can slowly get better. Listen to then, for hours, maybe days. Let the songs slowly be more and more optimistic,  but don´t overwhelm yourself because then you might feel you can never reach your goal. Once you feel like it, listen to number 3. Do this as much as you can. Now, this suggestion may take some days time so I would advise you to use one day for step 1, after you stopped crying use the time for yourself, don´t force yourself to study. Just make sure you are listening to bands from step 2. Starting with the next day, try to slowly start studying again during step 2 and 3.

In case you don´t feel anything at all: You have to start feeling again. WITH THAT I DON`T MEAN YOU SHOULD HARM YOURSELF. Just to make this clear: this is NOT the right way to start feeling again. But there are two healthier ways to start feeling emotions again:

You can try to trigger sadness and despair with songs from number 1. Find a song that truely breaks your heart. Or a movie, a book. It may sound brutal but it can really help you out of this apahty and tiredness. Then do the same as described about, let out all the emotions and then go to number 2 and 3.

Or you can try to trigger happiness and hope (which is way harder but it can work): Look at pics of your greatest memories, remind yourself of something beautiful in life. Watch your favorite music video, hug a loved one, stroke a pet. Just try to get a happy emotion.

e) If music is not so much for you, try something more physical. Go for a walk, do some sports, like yoga or running or whatever feels good to you. Make sure you are not to hard on yourself, your goal is not to work out really hard, loose weight, build muscles. Your goal is to get in touch with your body again. Start with short work outs and stop before you are totally exhausted.

f) Go out in nature and experience everything totally conscious. Breath in the air and feel how it fills your lungs. Breath out and focus on the feeling of the air leaving your lungs. Try different breathing rhythms, deep and long breaths, short and shallow, till you can really focus on your breathing. Feel the ground beneath your feet, the asphalt beneath your shoes, or the grass, stones, earth, moss. If possible, go into a forest or somewhere else calm and natural. Listen to the sounds of nature, focus on them. Listen to birds sing, or to a stream, to the wind, to the sounds of footsteps in snow, or the sound of leaves in a soft wind. Focus on them. It may make you cry or sentimental, but it will also help you. Touch as much as you can, grass, leaves, bark, cold water, snow, ice. Focus on the sentation, the texture of what you are touching, the feeling it leaves behind on your skin once you break contact.

g) Do something creative. I don´t mean you should decorate your bujo! This work related again and therefore the wrong thing. Draw, write, play an instrument. Not with the goal to be good, but with the goal to relax, turn off your thoughts, focus on the process of creating and that process alone.

h) Eat avocados. May sound weird, but they help against depression.

i) Drink green tea. It wakes you up and brightens your mood. But you should never do only that, do it to support other steps you chose or it will just be a short-time solution.

Phase 2

So you feel a little bit better now, more in touch with yourself, a little more hopeful. Break down what your tasks are. Write everything down, every little detail, no matter how soon or how late you need it. Everything you don´t need very very soon, like within a week, you put away for now. What is left is what you have to do soon.

Make a list till which day the tasks are due. Write every little task down. If they are big tasks, like “I have to learn 3 chapters of maths till Wednesday”, break the chapters down into smaller parts. Start doing small, short tasks that take you only some minutes. Afterwards, tick them off, cross them out, realize you actually got something important done. Take a break, do something for yourself, like listening to music, dancing, some sports, going for a walk, reading. Don´t take too long, but make sure to take these breaks.

Once you feel you´ve been productive, try to do bigger tasks, focus longer. Slowly increase the amount of work you do and don´t overwork yourself. Don´t stress, don´t skip meals, don´t work late into the night. Make sure you take of yourself or you soon will have a relapse again.

Phase 3

Face your long-time goals again, but this time, try another perspective. I don´t know that much about school systems from other countries, but in my country it is like that: if you fail a final, you can try again 3 or 4 months later, and you have 3 of 4 chances.

Realize that you don´t have to get only As. You don´t even need good grates, as long as they are positive, everything is great! Remember, your own health is more important than your grades and more important than your reputation at school. Don´t think about people that might me better than you, or a teacher that might be diasppointed in you, if you don´t get straight As. Focus on your own health. Even if you don´t pass all your finals…what do you loose? Some months. Some months of probably 80 years of life-time. Some months, in which you can study without stress, without harming your own health. Some months, that might actually benefit your mental in physical health, if you don´t put too much pressure on you. Just because you failed a final, does not mean you are a failure or you will fail in life, fail when you try again or fail other finals. Accept the possibility of failing and put it into perspective with life. It really is not that tragic,although it might seem to you that way.

Now go to work again with a whole different mindset. You hopefully now overcame this phase of depression, but you have to be careful or you might have a relapse soon. If you realize that you start feeling worse again, stop immediatelly with the preassure and take some time for yourself. Maybe go back to phase 2 or even 1 if you need to.

You now might be studying many hours a day again but there are still some things you should include in your every-day life:

Eat kinda healthy. Eat avocados (not every day of course, but regularly)

Listen to music that helps you.

Remember to take breaks and use these breaks for yourself. Not for studying with a friend, not for your bujo or organizing something.

Make sure you always stay in touch with your body and your feelings and emotions. Let fresh air in and breath it consciously.

Go for walks regularly. Being in nature or if you life in a city, even out of your school, house or flat can help a lot.

Do sports, yoga, stretches, or dance to music.

Go to bed at a reasonable time. Reasonable does not mean when your work is done, but when you need to to live healthy.

Don´t block out the people around you. Talk to friends, not about school but about other stuff. Talk to family, spend some time with them, even if its only a phone call.

Let noone stress or preassure you. Tell them to stop if they do, or don´t listen to them.

If others are further in the process of learning for a subject, don´t let this get to you. You don´t need to be as good as them at school, you don´t need straight As, and everyones learning process and pace is individual. Don´t compare yourself to others but focus on making process at your own pace.

Don´t forget to reward yourself for the work you´ve done. This can be your favorite sweets or favourite food, a good movie or a nice book. This could be meeting friends or maybe just some alone time.

Don´t forget to track your progess. Just because you are in phase 3 and more or less back to normal again does not mean you can´t break down your work into small pieces when writing them on your lists. You can do more several small tasks in a row, and then tick off quite a lot at once.

Realize what you got done when the day comes to an end. Don´t focus on what still needs to be done, but focus on your progress.

And most importantly, believe in yourself and that you can do it. I believe in you and you should too! ✨ 

Anonther thing you can do, but only if you think it could help you and if you are fully comfortable doing this, you can go to the teacher you trust most and talk to them. I actually did this in my last year of highschool and she helped me so much!

This kinda turned into a masterpost but I hope I could somehow help you and I wish you all the best for your finals and that you will feel great again soon! ✨ 

If you need help again, feel free to send asks again or message me ✨