#that's like half a joke lmao but it is like that sometimes when you like side characters more | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heeology · 5 months

Text

i want nobody but you | p.sh

synopsis → you and sunghoon have known each other your whole lives and although you've both dealt with jokes from classmates since elementary school on how you two would end up together, that never ended up happening; you two would brush it off and then move on. you never really thought about pursuing something with him romantically, especially since you like things with a more casual approach. but once sunghoon's girlfriend becomes a part of the picture, you can't help but feel these feelings consume you. being the way you are, however, you managed to push them down and you at least thought you got over them until you realize maybe they never left at all. or even worse: they were always there.

feat. → yujin (ive) & sungchan (riize)

genre → college au, friends to somewhat enemies to lovers, romance, smut, angst (eh, ig), slowburn (ig? srry lmao)

pairing → nonidol!sunghoon x fem!reader

warnings → MDNI, smoking !! (reader and sunghoon both smoke), drinking, cursing, mention(s?) of death, mention of hookups, reader is called and referred to (sometimes self referred to) as a: slut/whore; slutshaming, !! potential sh reference (pinching/hitting self; dk if that counts, but it's not mentioned after) !!, mentions of sex (obvi)

w.c. → 22.7k

a/n → long time no see lol. lmk if u would be interested in seeing some pics i took at the enha concert i went to :)) (i won't do vids because i was screaming like a baboon lmao) p.s. bear w me bc ik this is a long one, but i feel like i owe you all since i've been gone for practically a century, but pls give it a chance, i'm on my knees begging bc this took 3 days

disclaimer !! → i don’t ship any idols i portray as dating in this story irl nor do i have the intent to portray anyone in this story in a negative light, this is just for creative purposes, babes <3; this is all just fiction, take it lightly pls and thx

!!DO NOT COPY OR REPOST!!

Today has been a long day. You groan as you take a seat on a bench somewhere near the lecture hall you just left and you close your eyes as you lean back against it. You had originally thought your senior year of high school was torturous, but being a senior in college was far worse. Your eyebrows furrow a bit when you feel the weight of the bench shift a bit, meaning someone has taken a seat beside you. Your eyes open a bit and you turn your head to see Sunghoon next to you. A sigh escapes your lips and you turn your head away, closing your eyes again.

Sunghoon sits there for a moment, looking at you. Lately, you two haven’t hung out as much and although he admittedly forgot to text you for the past week and half, you were still his best friend. He could argue, though, that “the phone works both ways”, so you’re not exactly innocent either. He’s seen you around campus, hanging out with some members of the basketball team, mainly the captain: Sungchan. You didn’t seem bothered by the lack of contact between the two of you, either, so it didn’t bother him or make him feel guilty that you haven’t hung out in just a few days. No…not at all.

“Nice to see you, too.” he mumbles. You stay quiet, honestly close to falling asleep on the bench, especially with the warm breeze that is gently blowing. He narrows his eyes a bit and leans back against the bench. He does the same as you, closing his eyes as he relaxes, but he frowns to himself. “You and Sungchan seem to be close.” he says, not really even understanding why he brought it up in the first place.

This piques your interest. “What about him.” you say rather than ask, still keeping your eyes closed.

Sunghoon shrugs, still not really sure why he cares who you hang out with or how often or who they are or…anything like that. Maybe it upsets him to think about the fact that you might replace him with someone cooler as your best friend; maybe he was too lame for you. How juvenile, he thought to himself. But that’s what it felt like, to him, at least. “Nothing. I’ve just seen you guys hanging out a lot, that’s all.” Sunghoon replies.

“How would you know that; we haven’t really hung out or talked lately.” you reply, not meaning to sound snarky, but it most likely came across that way.

Sunghoon scoffs softly. “I have eyes; I can still see who you talk to.”

You open your eyes a bit and turn your head to look at him. “Stalker.” you tease.

Sunghoon opens his eyes, almost as if he can feel you looking at him and he rolls them, not amused. “Am not…I’m just trying to start a conversation or whatever.”

“About the people I talk to?”

Sunghoon shrugs. “About anything…” It stays quiet for a moment. “It’s just been a while since we’ve talked.”

“And whose fault is that?” You ask, rhetorically.

Sunghoon frowns. “Well, I’ve just been busy-”

You scoff, “Yeah. I know.” You reply dryly.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Just that that’s what you always say whenever we don’t talk to each other for a while. Like, I get it, you’re dating Yujin, big whoop.”

You’ve considered the possibility that he has just been busy with schoolwork, but no matter how many times you would give him the benefit of the doubt, it always ended up being because he was hanging out with Yujin. You weren’t really mad, per say, just annoyed. Severely annoyed. But what could you do? Ever since they started dating freshman year, you’ve felt like you were on the backburner. Which, again, you can’t really be upset about that. Afterall, she’s his girlfriend, whether you liked it or not. There is nothing wrong with her, you two got along fine, even if you don’t really talk or are even friends. You don’t hate her, not for any valid reasons, anyway. Still, despite how many people you know, Sunghoon is your only real friend and always has been. But it’s times like these when it feels like he means more to you than you mean to him.

“She’s my girlfriend.” He says, matter-of-factly.

You roll your eyes at his statement. “I know that,” you retort with annoyance, “you only ever bring it up every chance you get.”

“You seriously can’t be annoyed that I spend time with my own girlfriend.” He responds with the same tone.

Sometimes, Sunghoon gets caught up in things. Like being with Yujin, for example. He’ll be with her and then it just slips his mind to respond to a text of yours or to ask if you want to do something, he can’t help it. He knows that he’s your best friend and he’s certain that you’re his, too. Sure, Yujin means a lot to him, but you mean more, whether he would admit that or not. He just wants to make everything balanced, for everything to work out. But a part of him feels like something has been off since he started dating Yujin. Sure, he’s had other girlfriends, but never one for longer than a few months. This relationship is important to him. What if Yujin is the one? He can’t screw it up and he’s afraid to, so he makes sure to spend as much time with her as he can. He thought you would understand, but apparently not.

You’ve met Sunghoon’s other girlfriends, none of which bothered you as much as Yujin. Maybe because this one seems more serious. Maybe because she seems more important to him. The thought makes your stomach curdle. This whole situation makes your stomach curdle. You shouldn’t care so much, but you do. You hate that. “Whatever.” you reply, honestly not having thought of anything better to respond with. What were you supposed to say to that? Of course you understood, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

“Besides, like I said, you and Sungchan have been hanging out a lot recently. Don’t act like you’ve never blown me off to hang out with him.” Sunghoon says.

“Barely.”

“Not barely. A lot. ‘Oh, Sungchan invited me to his basketball game to watch’, ‘Oh, Sungchan invited me to a party,’ ‘Oh, Sungchan wants to hook up’, ‘Oh, Sungchan this and Sungchan that’.” Sunghoon mocks, annoyed.

You frown. “Why do you care? You’ve got a girlfriend, so just hang out with her instead.”

Sunghoon frowns as well. “That’s not the point. The point is that you ditch me just the same to hang out with a guy who you’re not even dating. You don’t talk to me sometimes when you’re with him or another guy, so why are you so upset that I do the same with Yujin, who I’m actually dating?”

“Stop rubbing in the fact that you’re dating someone. Good for you, who gives a shit? So what if I do the same? It’s only because you do it first!” you argue back. You grab your backpack and stand up as you put it on. You start walking away from him and he watches you as you leave.

“Great talk!” he calls out to you in a sarcastic manner.

He didn’t mean to make you upset or try to “rub his relationship” in your face, he would never try to intentionally make you upset. So, why did he care? He doesn’t, it’s as simple as that. Maybe you doing the same thing to him with Sungchan bothered him a little. Maybe you wanting to spend your time instead with someone else you’re not even dating bothered him a little. But it’s not like he actually cared or anything. He knows he can’t tell you what to do or who to see, so why does he care? He knows he blew you off, so why didn’t he just apologize? Why did he bring up Sungchan in the first place? Sunghoon sits on the bench for a moment, rethinking things. Why was he acting like you were ignoring him when it was kind of the other way around? He sighs and closes his eyes again. He’ll figure it out later.

You let out a long yawn as the dim glow from your computer screen shines on your face. It’s three in the morning, and sure, you have a class tomorrow, but you can’t sleep and figure you can just skip your lecture anyway. Even if your brightness was all the way down, it still hurt your eyes every so often, so you would close them to make them feel better while you listened to the show you were watching. You hear your phone ding and your eyes open, your hand reaching for your phone to see the text.

“are you awake?” Sunghoon texts.

He knows you are. You almost always are, which is why he knew you would see the message. Although, he did anticipate the idea of you ignoring him. You were good at things like that, things that required a stubborn attitude. He didn’t mind your stubbornness, though. He didn’t mind anything when it came to you. He waited a bit, sitting in the darkness with just the light of his phone screen, his thumb gently tapping it so it doesn’t automatically turn off as he waits for you to text back.

“yeah.” you text back.

It took you a few minutes and in all honesty, you almost didn’t respond. But you missed him, which even if he asks directly, you would deny. You wonder if he missed you too, but you shake that thought away.

“still pissy?”

This makes you laugh a little. Yes, you were, but you still found it a little funny.

“shut up.” you text back.

“wanna hang out?”

You sigh. Now he wants to? It takes you a while to reply with anything as you just stare at his message.

“can u bring the usual?” you reply.

He smiles at your text. “duh” he texts back.

You smile a bit, looking forward to actually hanging out with him. The whole argument was dumb anyway and you just wanted your best friend back. And after a while of waiting, you hear a knock on your dorm room door. You get up from your bed and unlock it, opening it as you step outside. He smiles softly when he sees you and you smile a bit back. You both quietly leave your dorm building before going outside and sitting on the curb. He sets the plastic bag he was carrying between you two and opens a bottle of beer before handing it to you. You take it and he opens his own, both of you taking a sip as a cool breeze blows softly.

“Sorry about earlier,” he says quietly, “and for not talking to you for a week. I just got caught up with Yujin, you know?”

You take another drink, not really interested in discussing this anymore. “It’s fine.”

“I also wasn’t trying to rub her and I into your face and make you feel bad or anything, it’s just…” he trails off. It’s silent for a moment as you both drink. “This week has been shitty.” he mumbles.

“Amen to that.” you reply. He chuckles softly and you both clink your bottles before smiling and taking another drink.

“How’s your love life going, anyway?” he asks, genuinely curious.

Sure, there were other things he wanted to talk about, could talk about, but this is what slipped out of his mouth first. He was actually curious, he truly wants to know. He just wants to see you happy.

You shrug, “The same; just hook ups.”

He looks at you for a moment. That’s it? You’ve been hooking up with people since the beginning of high school. Sure, you’ve dated some guys before, but they were all assholes; Sunghoon never liked them. He couldn’t stand them, to put it plainly. You deserve better, and he knows that. But he also knows you’re not into relationships. You like things to be simple and direct. But when it comes to how you feel, he knew you weren’t very expressive with that. Only when it comes to getting what you want. He kind of admires that about you.

“So…no one in particular? You just kind of…go after who you think is the hottest?”

You grin, “Something like that.” you take a sip, “So…how are things going with Yujin?”

You honestly hate that you asked. Why would you? Why would you want to hear about that? Surely, things must be going wonderfully if he’s so wrapped up in all that is her. But you’re still friends. It’s normal to ask these kinds of questions, right? Maybe he won’t really say much anyway and you’ll be a good friend for even asking. That’s what you’re hoping for, at least.

"Well... things have been kind of weird. She's been acting kinda distant recently; I don't know how else to explain it. She just seems really bored all the time. Like, the sex is good but it just seems like she's not into me anymore or something." he replies.

You give him a weird look as he brings up the topic of sex with Yujin. Gross. Just...Gross.

“Describing sex with your ‘girlfriend’ as good is never a good thing.” you say as you laugh a bit, taking a sip.

Sunghoon scoffs a bit. Why did it seem like you were happy to hear that? It irritated him a bit, but he brushed it off. “Well, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s more like…it’s become something that’s routine.”

“Yeah, that’s probably not a good sign.”

Sunghoon sighs. "I know... it's just so weird though. I mean, we've been together for so long, and she's never been the type to get bored like this. It just sucks. I'm worried if something happened between us that's making her not want to be with me anymore."

You look at him for a moment as he drinks. You hate seeing him upset and you know that Yujin means a lot to him, especially since this is his first big relationship. You frown a bit as you drink. “Have you asked her?” you take another sip, “Aren’t people in relationships supposed to communicate and shit?”

"Yeah, I asked her and she said everything was fine, but like... I don't know. I just have a feeling that she's not telling me something, and I've tried asking her multiple times, but every time, she always says everything's fine." he takes another drink. “That’s pretty much what I’ve been spending last week doing, just…trying to fix what may not even be broken.” he mumbles.

You feel bad now for getting upset at him for blowing you off. It makes sense and you just got defensive again, not really knowing what he was doing. You sit there for a moment, not really sure what to say. Sunghoon didn’t mind the silence, though. He was trying to focus on Yujin and figure out why things feel this way when maybe, they aren’t even that way at all. Maybe it’s him. He isn’t sure, but he is sure that he already feels a million times better being with you, even if it is just sitting next to each other on a curb in silence.

“Do you cum?” you ask.

Sunghoon chokes on his beer a little, hitting his chest a bit as he coughs. He looks at you, not expecting your question at all, and as for you, well, you weren’t really expecting to ask it. It kind of just…came out. Your initial thought process was to ask more about his feelings on things in the relationship, seeming more like a routine, but it kind of led to you wondering if he even cums. In your defense, you thought that if he doesn’t, then maybe the relationship is going downhill. You look at him, as if what you asked was totally normal, taking another sip of your beer. He looks back at you, seeming to have processed what you asked.

“...yeah, pretty much every time.”

“Does she?”

Again, not something you really want to know, but you do want to help him.

“...sometimes, but most of the time she doesn’t.”

You suck air through your teeth, “Uh-oh.”

“It’s not a big deal, you know, so what if sometimes we don’t? It’s not about that, it’s just about…connecting or whatever.” he mumbles as he takes a sip.

“So, then what? Do you guys just like…do it yourself?”

“Yeah, so?”

You laugh. You can’t help it, it’s just too funny. Not his obvious pain with his relationship kind of going south, but the fact that he finds this to be normal. You at least found that funny.

“What’s so funny?” he asks, pissed off, but also slightly embarrassed.

“Dude, I'm not a relationship expert, but like...shouldn't people who have sex, I don't know, finish every time? I mean, I have never really had that happen often with any of the guys I hook up with, but hey, what do I know.”

"Well... I guess, but it's not a big deal to me. As long as she enjoys it, that's what's important. And, it's not like it happens all the time. Sometimes she does finish, but it's just... well, not as often as I would hope..." he takes another sip.

You roll your eyes to yourself. Kind of out of instinct. If you’re going to be frank, you don’t give a damn about her.

You shrug, “I don’t know,” you take another sip, “you say you don’t cum sometimes, how come?”

“I don’t know…it just happens?”

You shake your head, “Nah, there’s a reason.”

“But the reason is dumb and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” he takes another sip.

“Do you think she’s hot?”

What a stupid question. You wish you didn’t ask it. Why would you want to hear him talk about yet again how hot he thinks she is. It makes your blood boil and you would rather bash yourself over the head with your beer bottle than hear him talk about how perfect she is. But, there is a small, small part of you hoping for a certain answer. Only a small part.

“Of course I do.” he replies, simply.

“So, then, what’s the problem?”

“Sometimes I have a hard time finishing, happy? Jesus…” he mumbles as he drinks some more.

You roll your eyes. You’ve known each other your whole lives, you know when he’s lying.

“Mmm,” you take another sip, “no, you see, sometimes when I hook up with guys, I suddenly don't feel attracted to them, so then sometimes I don't finish. So do you just like sometimes not like her or something?”

He shakes his head, "No, I'm always attracted to her. But... sometimes I have a hard time finishing, and I don't know why that is."

“What do you think about?” you ask, kind of quietly.

A part of you didn’t want to ask that, besides, this conversation was becoming weird. But that small, small part of you was so desperately hoping for a certain answer. Fucked up? Yeah, most definitely, but that didn’t seem to stop you.

“About what?” he asks, actually clueless.

“When you’re having sex, what do you think about?” you ask again, taking a sip of your beer.

“...about her, that’s what you’re supposed to do, so,” he trails off, “Sometimes I…think about other things...” he answers, blushing a bit.

“Like what?”

“Just…random stuff. Why do you want to know anyway?” he asks, getting slightly defensive.

“Maybe that's what's distracting you. I don't know, spice things up with her or something. Or have an actual conversation with her about how you feel or whatever.” you mutter as you finish your beer.

He takes another sip of his beer. “Why are you acting like some sort of relationship counselor? You’ve never even really been in a relationship yourself.”

Maybe he wanted to piss you off with what he said, but only so you could back off. “Spice things up”? Yujin and him are fine, he’s deciding that right here, right now. He doesn’t want your help with this or to even discuss it anymore with you. It feels weird. Besides, he doesn’t want you to think that he’s…not good at sex. Not for any other reasons, just that…he doesn’t want you to think that about him.

You set your bottle down and look at him. “Because you’re my friend? I don’t know. Why do you care?” You hold your hand out, wanting him to hand the cigarettes he brought while your other hand digs into your sweatpants pocket for your lighter.

He reaches into the bag and hands them to you, knowing full well you could have grabbed them yourself, yet he still obliged. “So, in all of your hooking up, have you ever had feelings for anyone you hooked up with? And not those bullshit feelings for your douchebag exes, like actual feelings. Or have they all just been hookups?” he asks, hoping to change the subject.

You open the pack, “Hookups.”

“Every single one?”

“Mhm.” you answer, taking one out and putting it into your mouth, lighting it as you take a drag.

“So you’ve never fallen in love with anyone you’ve hooked up with?”

You laugh, “Fallen in love? How stupid.” you say as you take another drag.

“Okay, love might be a strong word, but like, have you never developed feelings for any of the people you’ve hooked up with?” he asks, finishing his beer.

“Nah.”

"Right, right. So, you're just all about hookups then, and that's cool, no shame or anything; I get it. But you've never felt even just a little bit of loneliness from it?" he asks as he sets his bottle down. You ignore his question, taking another drag. He knows by your reaction that he’s said something that bothers you. Whenever anything is mentioned that may reveal how you truly feel, you just block it off and move on. He sighs, not too sure why he bothered asking since you always ignore these types of topics. Sometimes, he wished you wouldn’t. He wished you would be more open with him. It feels like he can talk to you about anything and everything, even if sometimes he doesn’t want to, but he does anyway because you…well, you’re you. "I mean, it's gotta get kinda boring... always hooking up, never really connecting with anyone. Unless you don't care about that kind of thing."

“Love is stupid.” you reply flatly.

What a groundbreaking opinion. Truly, nobody has ever felt or thought the same thing. Great stuff. Sunghoon sighs at your answer, not really getting why you won’t just tell him. He wants you to. He can’t really explain why. It doesn’t have to do with wanting to get some satisfaction out of helping you or changing you, but rather, sometimes he feels like he knows nothing about you. You’re important to him, more than you could possibly understand, but still, sometimes, you seem so distant; like a stranger. He just wants to know that you trust him.

“So, just because love hasn’t exactly worked out in your life, you think love is stupid? I don’t really think that’s fair…just because your ex boyfriends were assholes doesn’t mean that true love doesn’t exist.”

For some reason, him talking about true love pisses you off. It pisses you off greatly. You can feel your skin crawl and anger boiling up inside you, so you take a drag from your cigarette, blowing out the smoke, wishing it was something else you were getting rid of.

“It’s not about them.” you take another drag, “Do you love Yujin?”

You think you know the answer already. No, you know the answer indefinitely. There is only one answer. Why would he have spent the past three–almost four years–dating her if he didn’t? You think about all the times he talked about her when they first started dating. You try not to, but your mind recalls all the details, how he said them, what he said, how he looked while he was talking. It made you sick.

His heart sinks a little when you ask the question. He stares at you for a moment, not responding to your question right away. He takes a long deep breath before he answers, “Yes.” You sit silent. You heard his answer, but you don’t want to acknowledge it. You take another drag from your cigarette, a longer one this time, blowing out the smoke slowly as you tap some of the tobacco from the butt of it off. “Do you…not believe me?” he asks, watching you. He can tell something is on your mind, you’re just having trouble saying it. He’s not asking to be snarky or anything, he asks in more of a gentle tone, just wanting you to open up or at least just say something remotely close to how you feel.

“No, I do.” you answer quietly. For some reason, it hurts to say that. It’s true, though; you do believe him…unfortunately.

Silence consumes the both of you, just sitting on the curb as time passes. Crickets chirp softly in the distance and the subtle burn of the tobacco from your cigarette fills it a bit, but not enough. He stares at you, both annoyed and concerned.

“Then what is it? Are you trying to say there’s something wrong with my relationship?” he asks, suddenly defensive. Even he, himself, doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so defensive about it, especially since he brought up the issue earlier, but he doesn’t like thinking that you think there is something wrong.

“Jesus, it’s not like that.” you respond, knowing full and well it is like that.

“Then spit it out; what are you trying to say?”

“Shut up.”

You take another drag and he rolls his eyes, annoyed. “You know, you’re so annoying sometimes.”

“So are you.”

“Yeah, I know, but you’re worse.”

You take another drag, genuinely wanting him to shut up, or for things to be normal. Or better yet, for things not to be complicated. “Go cry about it to your girlfriend.”

“Screw you.”

“Ditto.”

“Whatever.” he says, pissed off.

“Yeah, whatever.” you mumble as you take another drag.

He continues to look at you, pissed off at how you don’t seem to care about anything. He used to like that a lot about you, how you never cared about what people thought and are able to brush anything off. Maybe “used to” is a bit strong, he still likes that about you, but for right now, it’s incredibly infuriating.

“You know, I’ve noticed that you always avoid giving direct answers to questions. Maybe that’s why you’re so scared of commitment; Not willing to really speak your mind out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or your own.” he says, hoping this would piss you off enough to just say how you feel.

You roll your eyes, “Shut up.” you say as you continue smoking your cigarette.

“No, I won't shut up. In fact, I'm gonna keep talking because this is one of the rare occasions where we’re actually having a serious conversation and not just talking about petty stuff.”

You roll your eyes again. “I don’t want to.” you reply, simply.

“Too bad. because I am really curious about it. So, I’m just gonna keep asking questions. Like, have you ever experienced real heartbreak before? Because you seem like the type that just throws people away and moves on with no remorse.” You become quiet. Sure, you weren’t answering before, well, barely, anyway. But this time, you feel like you’re shrinking. That type of quiet. The type of quiet you become when you feel like you got caught and you don’t want to admit to what you did. You just smoke your cigarette. “And you don’t just avoid answering questions about your romantic life, either. You do the same thing when it comes to family, friends, and anyone else. You just push people away and never actually let anyone get to know the real you.”

“You know the real me.” you say, looking at him. In all honesty, you were insulted. He was seriously telling you that he “doesn’t know the real you” after you guys have been friends since you were two years old? What does that say about your friendship?

“No, I really don’t. All I know about you is the surface layer stuff that you’re willing to share, but I don't actually know you. No one does. Because you never let anyone get close enough.” he says as he looks you directly in the eyes, meaning every word he says. Well, maybe not every word, but it is how he feels. He doesn’t want you to get frustrated, but if that’s what it takes for you to finally say how you feel, then so be it. You do feel yourself getting frustrated and you look away, taking another drag. “And don’t deny it, ‘cause you know it’s true. You just push people away and never let yourself be vulnerable, ‘cause if you did, then they could use that vulnerability against you. And god forbid anybody ever find out about your deepest insecurities-”

“Shut the fuck up.” you say, feeling anger seethe out of you. He sits there, somewhat stunned by your response. Not exactly that you became angry, but more so that he actually got a reaction out of you. He watches you as you put your cigarette out and stand up. “I’m going back to my room.” you mutter.

He stands up. “Seriously?” he says as he sees you start to walk away. He scoffs. “You’re just going to leave? Like that? Whatever.” he mumbles as he grabs the pack of cigarettes you put back into the bag (the pack he specifically bought for you and always buys whenever you guys hang out like this). He opens it and grabs one, lighting it as he sees you turn around. You walk back over to him and snatch the pack of cigarettes from his hand. “The hell?” he asks, annoyed, as he tries to grab it back.

You hold it out of his reach. “You don’t even like red Marlboros.” you say, almost tempted to take the one out of his mouth, too just to spite him.

“Give it back.” he says sternly as he takes a small drag from the one in his mouth, holding it between his fingers as he glares at you.

“No.”

“It’s my pack of cigarettes.”

“That you bought for me.”

“And I want it back.”

“Well, tough shit, I’m not giving it back.”

“Give it.” he says as he holds out his hand. You ignore him and turn around, starting to walk away. He takes another drag, grimacing because you’re right, he doesn’t like this brand, but he’s only doing this to spite you. He gets even more pissed off just seeing you walk away. “Why are you always such a pain in the ass?”

“Could ask you the same thing.” you yell back.

He quickly puts out the cigarette and puts the bottles into the bag before catching up to you. “I'm not the one who’s always being super mean and acting all mysterious about everything. Like, what’s with all the attitude and snarky comments? You’ve been extra shitty lately.”

“Fuck you.”

He scoffs, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You know, you’re being shitty, you just don’t wanna admit it.”

You stop walking and turn to look at him, throwing the pack at him. “Then go away.”

He grits his teeth and grabs the pack from the ground. He looks at you, “Whatever. I'm leaving. But just know, one of these days, you’re going to actually push someone away for good.”

“Hopefully it’s you.” you say as you cross your arms.

“Yeah, me too. Because I am so fed up with your bullshit.”

“Great. Go away.”

He rolls his eyes and walks past you, his arm bumping into yours purposefully as he heads back to his dorm.

As Sunghoon makes his way to his lecture, he sees Yujin in the distance talking to some of her friends. He thinks about your conversation last night. He had hopes of confiding in you a bit more about how he felt, but of course that’s not the way things panned out. He had no time to focus on that, even if he was feeling even worse now that he possibly lost his best friend for good. Shit…did he really lose you for good? He feels his blood run cold, but he’s trying to forget it and focus on her. She’s his girlfriend, he has to remember that. He walks up to her, smiling a bit. She looks at him.

“Oh…hey.” she says softly.

“Hey…can we talk for a minute?” She nods her head and stands still. Sunghoon glances at her friends and then looks back at her. “...in private?” Yujin glances at her friends before following Sunghoon over into the library, taking a seat at a table near one of the back bookshelves, a little bit of space between the two of them. “Is there a reason you’ve been acting like this lately? Do you not…want to be with me anymore?” Sunghoon asks, just getting straight to the point.

Yujin is quiet for a moment. “Everything is fine.” she says.

He crosses his arms, feeling himself getting frustrated. Why can’t people just be direct like you? Yeah, you’re not really direct with your feelings, but you are when it comes to anything else. “Are you sure? Because you've been really distant. We haven't been talking as often, you barely want to spend time with me... and it feels like you're avoiding being intimate with me, too. I had to almost beg you to spend time with me last week. Is there really nothing? Are you sure everything is fine?” Yujin listens and stays quiet. Sunghoon sighs. "You know, couples are supposed to communicate and shit, right? If something is bothering you, just come out and say it." Sure, he took a page from your book with what you said last night and perhaps some of what you said rang true after all, but he’s not really looking to give you a “you were right” moment at this time.

“You being friends with her bothers me.” Yujin says as she crosses her arms.

Sunghoon freezes for a moment, taken aback by her response. “...are you being serious?” he asks, not totally sure if she’s just messing with him.

“You hang out with her more than me to the point that I had to ask you to stop texting her whenever we would hang out and you always say you’re “just best friends”, but I don’t believe you. Do you have feelings for her?”

“Do YOU think I have feelings for her?” Sunghoon asks, becoming defensive while also avoiding answering her question directly.

“Yes.” she answers, simply.

“What, do you think I’ll dump you for her or something?”

"She's a slut. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. I don't care if you guys are close, I'm worried she is going to make a move on you and then you break up with me just for her to use you once and then ruin you; She's bad news." Yujin says.

He feels his jaw drop a bit at what she says. Did she seriously just say that? And so boldly? He feels himself become upset about the way she talks about you. He wants to defend you, he always has, but he frowns. What if this leads to Yujin breaking up with him? You did say last night that you two were done with each other, so why does it matter? He doesn’t agree with Yujin, but he wants to save this relationship…

“You really think I'm that naive? That I'd fall for a girl like her? Just because we’re close friends doesn’t mean I automatically get feelings for her and forget about you. You know I'm smart enough to not get mixed up with someone like her.” he says, feeling like his heart is breaking as he says it. He wants Yujin to feel reassured, but after saying this…it doesn’t feel worth it.

“So you agree.” Yujin says.

Sunghoon sits there, feeling like he’s about to throw up. Why is this so hard? Why can’t he just say ‘yes’ and move on? Why can’t he be happy with Yujin? He just nods his head. “I wouldn’t fall for someone like her.” he says extremely quietly, almost as if he never wanted those words to leave his mouth. But they did and it was too late.

Yujin smiles, satisfied by his answer. She leans in and kisses his lips quickly, “I believe you.” she says softly.

Sunghoon hesitates, not glad that she believes him. Not glad that she said those things about you. Not glad that he said those things about you. He’s just not happy. He gives her a small smile and kisses her cheek quickly. “I’m glad.”

You are sitting on a bench, scrolling through your phone as you wait for your next lecture to start soon. Sunghoon sees you as he exits his lecture hall and his gaze lingers on you for a moment. He sighs to himself a bit, feeling like he was being pulled in two different directions. The more he thinks about it, he feels as though Yujin was giving him an ultimatum to choose you or her. If she said it outright, there isn’t a cell in his body that would hesitate to choose you. He thinks back to his conversation with Yujin in the library and he feels sick; he knows he did something wrong.

He walks over to you and takes a seat next to you, just wanting to make up and move on. To his surprise, however, you get up immediately and take your bag before walking away. He sits there, confused, but figures you’re still upset about the argument last night. He gets up and he follows you before catching up and gently grabbing your arm, but you end up taking it away and start walking again. He bites the inside of his cheek before stepping in front of you, “Why are you walking away from me?”

“Get away from me.”

“No.” he said as quickly as the words left your mouth.

You look at him, feeling your eyes sting, hot tears wanting to form, but you blink them away. “You should probably go find your girlfriend, you wouldn’t want to be seen hanging out with a slut like me, right?” you ask rhetorically.

“Hey-,” he cuts you off, frowning instantly when you call yourself that. “Stop it…you know I don’t see you that way.”

“That’s a fucking lie; I heard you talking to Yujin. Or are you surprised about that too since you were in the library and someone like me couldn’t possibly be in a place like that.” you say as you cross your arms, swallowing as if that will help mask your clear frustration.

“...what?” he asks quietly, freezing as he realizes what you’re saying.

“I heard you. I heard you agree with her when she called me a slut. I heard you say you "would never be stupid to fall for someone like me". Well, fuck you. Go be with your perfect girlfriend, asshole.” you say before you push past him, swallowing again, but this time to stop yourself from crying.

“Wait-” he tries to grab your arm again, but you pull it away and keep walking. He feels his heart sink as he watches you walk away. The world felt as if it just collapsed. He feels like he’s sinking and as he watches you become further from him, he feels like he’s lost everything. He’s holding his breath, not necessarily realizing he is, almost as if he exhales, he’s not sure he has the strength to take another breath knowing he’s hurt you; he doesn’t deserve to.

Everything moves in slow motion, all voices muffled, as Sunghoon feels himself being dragged inside of a party by Yujin. He can hear and see her laughing and talking with her friends as they walk inside the loud and crowded atmosphere, but he feels as if he’s hollow. He stands there like a zombie as Yujin talks and greets some of her friends. He’s not sure how it happened, especially since it was almost midnight and he honestly just wanted to go to sleep, but he somehow ended up here. His eyes felt heavy as they looked around the room, but he subconsciously stood up straighter when his eyes landed on you. It was like he had been resuscitated, his heart beating rapidly as he sees you and then he sees him.

Sunghoon rolls his eyes, noticing how Sungchan was standing closely to you, how his eyes scanned every inch of your body with some stupid, smug smirk on his face. Sunghoon rolled his eyes again and grimaced at the sight. He sees how you whisper something into his ear, Sungchan grinning as he places his hand on your hip. Suddenly, Sunghoon’s heart stopped again as his gaze fixates on his hand. His hand grips Yujin’s tightly as he clenches his jaw and his other hand curls into a fist, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand. His breathing becomes heavy as he sees you smile, smile in a way he’s never had you smile at him before as your hand caresses Sungchan’s cheek while you clearly flirt back with him. Sunghoon was livid. He feels like an extra in his own life as he watches you fall for someone like that.

“Baby…?” Yujin asks, loosening her hand and taking it away from him since he was practically cutting off her circulation.

“I’m fine.” he mumbles, hints of anger and annoyance clear in his tone. He doesn’t look at her as he answers and she catches on.

She looks to where his gaze is and then she looks back at him, upset. “Why are you looking at her?” she asks as she crosses her arms. “You told me you don’t have feelings for her. I’m your girlfriend, not her.”

“Stop, Yujin, it’s not like that…” he mumbles, annoyed as he keeps looking at you and Sungchan. He watches as Sungchan puts his arm around your waist and he feels like the air has just been knocked out of him. His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek as he glares at the two of you, wanting nothing more than to shove him off of you.

Yujin scoffs, “I don’t even see how you could have feelings for a slut like her.” she mumbles, taking a sip of a drink her friend brought for her. Sunghoon keeps his attention on you. How Sungchan keeps you close, whispers in your ear to make you giggle and you indulge in it, how he touches you, and how he looks at you as if he’s some sick animal that wants to devour you. “Did you even hear me?” Yujin asks, pissed off.

“Yeah, I heard you.” Sunghoon mumbles as he continues watching the two of you.

Yujin glares at him and then grabs his hand, dragging him away from her friends. Sunghoon just goes along with it and as Yujin starts dragging him upstairs, Sungchan leas in and kisses you. Sunghoon’s eyes widen as he continues going upstairs with Yujin, her dragging him into an empty bedroom and closes the door behind them. Sunghoon feels like all thoughts had escaped him when he saw that and he stands there with only one thing on his mind: you.

“Let’s have sex.” Yujin says as she looks at him.

Sunghoon snaps out of it and looks at her, feeling like this is his first time seeing her tonight. He looks at her in confusion, not wanting to since he only has you on his mind, but he doesn’t want to upset her any further, so he nods his head. Yujin pulls him towards her and kisses him. He hesitates, feeling himself grimace, but he tries to ignore it and kiss her back. He doesn’t want to be up here with her, he wants to be down there with you. As they continue to kiss, Yujin begins to undress herself and Sunghoon feels himself tense up. He tries to forget about you and focus on her, thinking maybe helping her undress would help, but it doesn’t. Not even a little bit.

Yujin moves them over to the bed as she keeps kissing him and he sits there, partially kissing her back and also sitting stiff as a board. He knows this is supposed to be hot for him, having a practically naked girl on him, but he only finds himself wishing it was you. Yujin kisses down his neck as she takes off his shirt and he feels like he’s zoning out, not moving a muscle. Yujin moves her hands along his chest and down his body and then stops kissing him as she looks at him.

“You’re not even hard.” she says as she frowns. Sunghoon just stares at her, not necessarily surprised, but he still feels bad. "What the hell do you even like about her? She's a fucking whore who opens her legs for any and every guy. She has nothing else to offer besides her fucking pussy, which probably is already stretched beyond repair." Yujin says, angry. "She's nothing! She's not even special and yet she always gets any guy she wants. Well, why does she get you too?" Yujin tears up. "I'M your girlfriend, not her! Do you even love me?" Yujin asks, frustrated.

Sunghoon knows her anger is justified and he feels awful for feeling like he wants her to be you instead. As he watches and hears her say all of these things, he feels bad for treating her like this, but he also becomes angry at listening to what she’s saying about you. He feels bad for saying it feels like he doesn’t know you, because he does, and he knows you’re nothing like who she says you are.

“Answer me!” Yujin yells.

“I do love you.” Sunghoon says quickly.

“...do you love her?”

He stays quiet. Does he love you? He doesn’t know how to answer that. He knows he cares about you more than anyone else, he knows that even when you two fight, he would never want anyone else but you to be by his side, he knows that you’re the only one who gets him, he knows he likes making you smile and laugh and sometimes when you look at him, he feels like he can just look back at you forever. But is that love? Then, what is it he feels for Yujin? Does he love you and not her? How come he never realized it before? Did he always feel this way?

"Why the hell did you even ask me out? Why did you even ask me to be your girlfriend if all this time, you've wanted her? If all this time you've been in love with her?" Yujin asks, furious.

What is he supposed to say? Has he always been in love with you? He thinks for a moment. He thinks about why he asked her out in the first place, about a week after you hooked up with some guy after you two just started college. Was that the reason? Was it because he just wanted something and he knows deep down, you don’t want the same, so he found it somewhere else? You…everything has always been about you, his whole world has always revolved around you.

Yujin gets up and gets dressed. "If you want to be with her so badly, fine. But just know, she's still a whore. She'll just use you and then toss you aside." Yujin says as she finishes getting dressed. "But by all means, go sleep with that slut. We're done." Yujin says as she leaves the room.

Sunghoon sits on the bed in silence. Just great. Now, he doesn’t have a girlfriend and worst of all, he still can’t have you. He sits there for a moment longer before getting up and putting back on his shirt. Screw this party, he shouldn’t have come anyway. He walks out of the bedroom and goes downstairs, feeling like his mind is in a different place as he walks outside. He stops and notices you sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette. He feels relieved, not seeing you in Sungchan’s arms, and for a split second, he wishes he could just walk over and take you into his, but he pushes that thought away and just decides to take a seat beside you on the curb instead. You scoot away a bit from him, silence looming over the two of you and he feels even worse.

“You shouldn’t be sitting here, you know. Your girlfriend might get pissy.” you mumble as you exhale some smoke.

“I’m not with Yujin anymore.”

You pause for a moment, “...I saw you two go upstairs.”

“She just…got upset that I couldn’t get hard. I just had so many thoughts running through my mind…” he trails off, not wanting to ramble on about it.

“Whatever.” you say as you take another drag.

“I wish I never asked her out.” he says before taking a deep breath, feeling like he said something he didn’t even realize he was keeping a secret, not even from himself.

“Why are you telling me this? In case you forgot, I am not your friend anymore. Not after what you and her said about me this morning.” You take another drag, “It's one thing for her to call me a slut, I don't care about her, but you? You agreed with her. You made fun of me. You're supposed to be my best friend and you say I'm a slut and then that you aren't "stupid" enough to date "someone like me"? Fuck you, honestly. I was so pissed when I heard that. I know we fought the other night, but I never thought you would say that shit about me.” You take another drag. “So stop talking to me about your problems like we're still friends. You want nothing to do with "someone like me"? Well, then, you got it.”

Sunghoon stays silent, feeling as if everything around him is crumbling. You’re sitting maybe a foot away from him, but he feels like you’re on the other side of the planet. “I’m sorry.” he says softly, feeling ashamed to have talked about you like that.

You shake your head and continue smoking. “Whatever.”

“I miss you.” he says suddenly. “And, I shouldn’t have said any of that this morning. I was trying to reassure Yujin at your expense and…that was a big fuck up by me. None of what I said was worth any pain I’ve caused you.”

“Well, I don’t miss you. I don’t even care.”

Sunghoon stays quiet for a moment. “I have to fix this. Not because I feel like it will make me feel better to know I said sorry, because that doesn’t fix anything; that doesn’t make you feel better. I want to fix this because, even if you don’t believe me, I value our friendship more than anything in the world.”

You scoff and don’t reply, blinking away your tears as you continue smoking. “I don’t need you. Think what you want about me, I don’t give a fuck.”

“Hey…” he says tentatively as he notices you blinking away tears. He feels like he got punched in the gut and hates himself for knowing he’s the one that caused you to feel this way. “I know I hurt you…a lot.” he admits. He doesn’t know if you would want to listen to anything else he has to say, but he wants nothing more than for everything to go back to normal. To have you back. To just have you look at him. Anything.

You scoff, “You? As if.” you say as you put out your cigarette. “Don’t flatter yourself. Like I care about your opinion.” you say as you stand up. “I don’t need your pity and I don’t need your friendship. I don’t need you.” you say as you walk away and back into the party.

He doesn’t hesitate to follow you, not wanting to let you go. He can’t. He can’t bear the thought of you actually not being a part of his life, not for one goddamn second. He tries to catch up to you, but he stops in his tracks when he sees you go back over to Sungchan. It feels as though time has stopped and he was cursed with having to watch you be with him for the rest of his life. You whisper something to Sungchan, prompting him to grin and put his hands on your waist. Sunghoon feels like he’s about to collapse as he watches Sungchan whisper something back to you before taking your hand and leading you upstairs. He wants to do something, take you away from him, tell you that you mean so much more and are so much more than whatever Sungchan thinks about you. How you mean everything to him and watching you walk upstairs with some other guy feels as though you are taking away every piece of Sunghoon, breaking him apart. But he doesn’t and an hour passes before you walk back downstairs with Sungchan, his arm around your waist.

Sungchan whispers something in your ear before letting you go and walking over to his friends, all of them laughing and teasing him. You just walk back out of the party, feeling sick to your stomach; as if you just made the biggest mistake of your life; shame. As you walk down the sidewalk, the night suddenly feels much colder than before. You take out your cigarettes and start smoking another one. Sunghoon follows and catches up, “Can I have one?” he asks, not knowing what else to say, but wanting to say something. You stay quiet, but eventually extend the one you were smoking to him. You stop walking as he takes it, taking a drag as he stands beside you.

You hold out your hand, wanting it back and after he takes another inhale from it, he exchanges it back. You take another drag, staying quiet, as you extend it back to him. He takes it as you two share the cigarette and he hands it back to you, almost wanting to just hold your hand instead. You take a long drag, holding the smoke for a while before slowly exhaling. “...you were right.” you say quietly as you hold the cigarette out for him. “It is lonely.”

He takes the cigarette, feeling hopeful that this is the beginning of an honest conversation, and relieved that you’re opening up. He hands it back to you, “Are you lonely? Do you miss having a relationship?” he asks, softly, wanting to make sure he’s being cautious so he doesn’t hurt you again.

“Not the ones I used to be in, no. Those guys were…well, you know.”

“Yeah…” he mumbles. You sigh and take a seat on the curb. He follows suit, seeing if you’ll say something else, but deciding to break the silence. “So…what kind of guy do you want?” he asks, deep down hoping for a certain answer.

You don’t answer him and instead, ignore his question. In all honesty, you don’t know. Well, you do, but you’re too scared to admit it. “You were also right about me being a slut.”

“I-I didn’t mean it-”

“You know it, everybody else knows it…and I always knew it.” You take your cigarette back and take a drag. “Hearing you say it sucked, though, but I know it’s the truth.”

“I shouldn’t have said it. I was so caught up in trying to make Yujin feel better and fix things between us when it wasn’t worth it. Not when it came at your expense.”

“I know.”

“I should’ve still stuck up for you. It didn’t matter if she was my girlfriend, you don’t deserve to be talked about like that.”

You shrug and hand him the cigarette, lighting a new one for yourself to smoke. “I don’t care anymore. Hooking up with Sungchan just now made me realize it. Seeing and hearing his friends tease him for it…” you take a long drag, “I knew that’s what I am.”

He does the same and looks at you. “Did you want to hook up with him?”

“No.”

“Then, why did you do it?” You ignore his question and keep smoking. “Hey…” he says softly. He knows you’re avoiding his question, but he wants to hear what you have to say.

“What happened with you and Yujin tonight?” you ask, wanting to change the subject.

“Just…an argument.”

“About…?”

“That’s not important.”

“You wanted to tell me all about it earlier. You said something about you not getting hard and regretting asking her out. What the hell happened? I thought you loved her or whatever.” you mumble as you inhale more smoke, a part of you hoping it chokes you.

“I do love her. But I guess…it meant something different to her. She wanted things from me I couldn’t do.”

“Like what.”

“Like…her not wanting us to be friends anymore.”

You scoff before continuing to smoke. “You should’ve chosen her.”

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow as he takes a drag. “You think I shouldn't have chosen my friend who's been with me through thick and thin over someone who was basically controlling who I talked to?”

“She was just controlling that you don't talk to me. Can't blame her, she probably thought I would try to sleep with you or something. Besides, since when did us being friends for so long suddenly matter? It didn't when you agreed with her about me being a slut.”

“It matters to me.” He says, feeling his heart sink a little at your words. It seemed like you didn’t think your friendship meant anything. He takes another drag and sighs quietly before continuing. “You’re my best friend. I care about you more than anyone else.” You stay silent as you continue to smoke. “Do you really think I don’t care about you?” he asks, softly. You just keep smoking, not really sure how to answer. He sighs to himself as he does the same and his mind wanders to thinking about you and Sungchan again. He rolls his eyes to himself as he tries to push those thoughts out of his head.

“You asked me if I ever felt heartbreak when we fought that night, talking about if that’s why I have commitment issues or whatever.” you say as you take another drag. “Yeah…I have.”

“Was the heartbreak from…” he let’s the question linger in the air for a moment, “a relationship?” You shake your head. “So…what was it from then? Who broke your heart?”

You stay silent for a moment, just smoking “...i didn't realize I fell in love with him until he got a girlfriend, well, his first serious girlfriend. At first, I didn't really care, but then…” you go quiet for a moment as you keep looking ahead, not at him. “The way he talked about her, would smile a certain way when he was with her, like he's never smiled at me before...laughing at jokes they shared...seeing him kiss her, hold her hand…” you take another drag, “holding her hand..” you repeat, like you’re lost in thought. “It's something so stupid and simple, but I've never had a guy hold my hand romantically...but he held hers and I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do a damn thing but suddenly wish I was his girlfriend instead. And then I realized. I loved him.” you take another drag, “I loved him and he was in love with someone else.”

He stayed quiet the whole time you talked. He took in every single word. He took in how you said every single word, how you looked as you spoke. He felt his heart break for you. The way you talked about it was nothing like he’s ever heard you talk about; so…innocent. “Did you ever try to tell him how you felt?”

You stay quiet for a moment as you swallow. “I almost did. One time. I just felt so tired from pretending and I didn't want to just hookup with anyone anymore. I wanted to be his more than anything in the world. I almost told him and then…” you take another drag from your cigarette. “He started telling me about how he finally had sex with his girlfriend. How hot she is. How he had never seen anyone so beautiful. How he couldn't believe he was so lucky to be dating her. Fuck-” you pinch your thigh to stop yourself from crying as you take another drag. “I felt so...gross. I had never had a guy say that about me, never had a guy be proud to be with me, but the way he talked about her and everything he was saying...I knew he would laugh in my face if I, just some slut, was in love with him; he would feel grossed out or whatever. No matter how close I thought we were, I knew right then and there I would never be like her. Never like the girl he wanted.” you take another drag, “So I didn't say anything.”

Sunghoon stayed quiet again, feeling awful. He hated that you thought about yourself that way. He hated that other people had made you feel that…him included. He hated this guy, especially, for making you feel this way. What a piece of shit. You deserve nothing but the best and this guy pulls this bullshit with you? He was about ready to punch him in the face. “And you’re still friends with him? After he did all of this to you?”

“He’s all I’ve ever had.”

“He’s not all you have, though. What about me?” he asks, intending to make something positive out of this all. He just wants you to know how precious you are to him because he cares about you so much.

This, doesn’t help whatsoever, and you feel like you’re about to burst into tears. You can’t tell if he’s the idiot or if you are; maybe the latter. But when he says that, you just feel like sobbing, curling up into a ball, and dying right then and there. You pinch your thigh again, to prevent yourself from crying because you absolutely loathe it.

He notices and immediately puts his hand on yours to stop you. He hates seeing you like this and he looks at you, not wanting you to suppress this anymore.

His hand on yours, however, makes you feel even worse. Worse because it makes your stomach do flips and you can feel your heart beat faster. Worse because you know it only carries the connotation of a friend comforting a friend…nothing more. You pull your hand away and continue smoking.

He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t try to take your hand back. It hurts him to see you pull yourself away. He just wants to make you feel better, feel safe, feel loved. Feel nothing but happiness because that’s all you deserve. But you don’t. He wants to give you everything, and so, he tries again to comfort you. He reaches for your hand, gently taking it into his, it enveloping yours as he holds it as if it is the most delicate thing on earth.

“Don’t.” you whisper, taking your hand away.

You didn’t want to. God, you didn’t want to. His hand felt like silk against yours, but you felt like you didn’t deserve it. Compared to his, your hand was like felt, worth far less than his. You didn’t want him to hold your hand, not like this. You wanted it to mean something, have some sort of value. Not for comfort. Not because he’s your best friend. Not because he felt bad. But because he loved you. Because he wanted to hold your hand and be proud as he held it. Because he wanted to claim you as is. Because you wanted to be his.

He lets go of your hand and stays silent for a moment. It was as if a part of him died inside as you pulled away your hand. All the thoughts that he was having a few seconds ago were replaced by sadness. His hands tightened into fists from the frustration of being unable to comfort you or take away your sadness. He wanted so desperately to try again, but he knew that there was nothing he could do right now. Slowly, he takes another drag of his cigarette, and you do the same with yours.

“Did you cry whenever he would talk about his girlfriend like that? Did you cry anytime he complimented her?”

You don’t answer for a while. “Yeah. When he told me he loved her, I cried later. After that, I pretended like I didn't care. And for a while, it worked. I would just hook up with guys and I would still talk and hang out with him because he didn't treat me like what everyone else saw me as. He never did. And that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him, I guess, but then sometimes...he would start talking about her and then I just...felt worse. At some point, I just kind of felt numb about it, especially after he told me about the first time they had sex. He talked about it like it was so special...like she was so special...and I just decided then and there I couldn't love him. So, I just pretended and after a while, I thought I didn't love him anymore, but one night, he started talking about how he couldn't lose his girlfriend, how he wanted to make things with her work and I felt that same feeling again, like I was going to be sick. Then, I heard him say what he really thought about me and that was the last time I cried about him.”

“What did he say about you? Did he insult you?” he asks as he feels himself becoming angry, wondering what this jerk could’ve possibly said about you to make you feel this way. But, you don’t answer, you just remain quiet and that made him want to punch this guy even more. “Do you miss him?” he asks, quietly.

“...i miss being oblivious to the fact that I love him.”

He feels his heart drop when you say that. You still love him? He swallows, feeling like he’s choking and as if all of the oxygen has been sucked out of the atmosphere. “So…you do love him. You’re still in love with him?” Once you ignore him again, the answer is clear. “You do still love him…” he mumbles. Anger courses through his veins because you’re in love with someone so fucking awful. How could you give all of yourself to someone who is too blind to see how much you’re worth? How much you mean and value you provide to the meaning of life it’s goddamn self? He watches as you continue smoking. “So, you mean to tell me, after everything he’s done to you, you still love him?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“He doesn’t know you’re in love with him?”

“I told you, I never told him.”

This doesn’t help him feel any less bad for you. Some douche was out and about being happy and in love while you suffer on the sidelines? “Are you ever going to tell him?”

You shake your head as you look down. How could you? Especially since you’re delivering this whole pathetic monologue and he still isn’t taking any goddamn hint.

“Is it because he’s still with his girlfriend?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” you say as you finish your cigarette.

He becomes frustrated, “Is he?”

“No.”

“So, they broke up.” You ignore his question once more. He waits a few seconds before speaking up again, “I’m taking that as a ‘yes’ then.”

“Why does it matter? Why do you care?”

“Why do I care?” he asks as if this question has the most obvious answer. He scoffs and takes another drag out of frustration. “Because I’m your best friend, dumbass.”

This only makes you frown as you pinch your thigh again to stop the tears threatening to fall. He frowns as well when he sees this and reaches his hand over again. “Stop.” he says as he grabs your hand. You look down at your hands and you take yours away again. He feels a lump form in his throat when you pull your hand away as a pit of sadness just keeps growing and growing in his stomach. “Why are you doing that? …do you honestly think I don’t care about you?” You just keep staring ahead of you, not looking at him once. He takes another drag and sighs. “Have I ever given you a reason for you to think that I don’t care? Have I hurt you like that guy did?”

His questions make you stay silent for a long time. You wish that you could just disappear. Or that you could go back in time and stop yourself from having these stupid feelings. Or…that you never met him in the first place. Maybe then things would be easier. Better.

“Just…answer me.” he says, pleading, almost. He wants you to understand that he is here for you, he always will be and nothing is going to get in the way of that anymore. He wants this to be clear, so he tries to hold your hand again to show his support, but you take it away once he does.

“Are you pretending or are you actually this clueless?” you ask, becoming frustrated, your voice having a hint of pain in it.

His stomach tightened when you rejected him once more. He doesn’t look at you, suddenly afraid to see your expression. He doesn’t know what to do, how to make you feel better. He stays silent for a moment and continues smoking. “Pretending about what?” he asks. You become increasingly frustrated and pinch your thigh again. He notices and grabs your hand again, “Stop.” he says sternly, but you pull your hand away.

“Jesus, you’re the guy.”

He feels himself freeze. “What the hell do you mean ‘I’m the guy’?”

“Are you dense?” you raise an eyebrow. “You’re the guy I’ve been talking about this whole damn time!”

“...i’m the guy?” he asks, completely stunned. You let out a huff of frustration and stand up, walking away. He doesn’t hesitate to stand up and go after you. He grabs your arm to stop you. “Wait, you can’t just leave…”

You keep pinching your thigh, a part of you believing it will wake you up from this nightmare as you avoid his gaze. You take your arm away from his grip. “Just forget it.”

“No. You just said I’m the guy, right? The one you’re in love with?” He asks, all of his focus on you. You ignore his question and turn around, walking away. He groans and he moves in front of you, stopping you. “You love me?” But you just avoid his gaze and don’t answer his question. He sighs, “I’m not letting you leave until you tell me.”

“No.”

He frowns. “Look at me.” he whispers. “Please…” he moves closer to you. “Do you love me?”

“Why does it matter?”

“You tell me. Why doesn’t it matter?”

You punch your thigh harshly a few times as you finally look at him. Your breath hitches as tears well in your eyes, despite you trying to ignore them. “Because I’m just a slut.”

He grabs your hand and stops you. He feels panicked, not knowing what to do or say. He doesn’t want you to cry or punish yourself. “Stop it. Stop with that bullshit. You’re not a slut, don’t you dare ever call yourself that.”

“You said it yourself. You agree with everyone else. I know you don't feel the same. I know you'll never talk about me the way you talk about Yujin or see me the way you see her. I know you said you guys broke up, but so what? I know what I am and I know that's all I'll ever be.”

He feels tears prick his own eyes as he listens to you. He shakes his head, “Stop that. Stop saying that I’ll never feel the same. Stop saying that you’re just a slut.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! It matters to me. You’re not just “some slut”. You’re my best friend.”

You frown as you feel the urge to cry become stronger. You take your hand away and you pinch your thigh again, just wanting the tears to go away. What he said made you feel awful. It’s not what you wanted to hear. You didn’t want to be just that…and he just kept reminding you that that’s all you are. “...do you honestly think that makes me feel better?”

He frowns, “Fine. Maybe it doesn’t make you feel better. But it should. Because it’s the fucking truth.”

“Are you even thinking about what I told you? Are you even thinking about how you're the guy I've been talking about? How every time you talked about Yujin, every time I saw you hold her hand, how you talked about her when you told me about the first time you guys had sex, that I just wanted to curl up and die? You don't get it. You calling me your best friend doesn't make me feel any fucking better. It makes me feel worse than when people call me a slut. But I don't want you to stand here and try to make me feel better, because if you think telling me you care about me because I'm your 'best friend' is going to make me feel better, then you haven't listened to a damn thing I've said.”

He stares at you sympathetically. He stares at you as he realizes just how badly he’s broken your heart. As he realizes he broke your heart.

“I don't want to be your best friend. I don't want you to tell me I'm your best friend.” You keep pinching your thigh harder, but tears roll down your cheeks anyway. “I wanted it to be me.” you say as you cry even though you keep pinching harder. “I wanted to hold your hand romantically. I wanted you to smile at me the way you did with her. I wanted you to talk about me the way you talked about her.” Your breath hitches as you cry and pinch your thigh harder, your nails digging into your skin. “I wanted to be special to you. I wanted you to tell me you love me. I wanted to be your girlfriend...more than anything in the world.” You cry harder even though you try not to and you dig your nails more into your thigh.

He’s never seen you cry. Not when you broke your arm, not when your pet goldfish died, not when your first boyfriend broke up with you, not even when you get incredibly frustrated. He has never seen you cry. But he hates it. He doesn’t want to see you so sad, so hurt, in so much pain…and he hated it even more because he–the one person you loved more than anything else–was the one who was making you feel this way. He pulls you into him, hugging you tightly, just wanting to take your pain away, just wanting you to…feel loved. But you push him away and wipe your tears, and he notices the imprints from your nails on your thighs. He doesn’t even realize it, but he reaches his hand out and gently touches the marks as he looks at them. He touches the ridges softly and your skin feels so smooth to him, so precious, but you push his hand away. His eyes travel up to meet yours and he sees you’ve stopped crying.

“Why wouldn’t you just have told me how you felt?” he asks, quietly.

“For starters, you had a girlfriend. The other reason: it doesn’t matter.”

“What if I never got with Yujin? What if I was single the whole time?”

“I didn’t realize I loved you until you started dating her…”

“Why her? I’ve dated other girls before, so why her?”

You shrug, “She’s the only one you really seemed to be serious about…the only one you told you loved. Besides…I’m not some sort of homewrecker.”

“I wish you told me.” he whispers. “You were never going to tell me?”

“No.”

“So, you were just hoping I would never find out?”

“Yes.”

“So, you were just going to keep that secret for the rest of your life?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you were just going to live with that pain forever?”

“Are you going to keep asking the same question?”

“I just want to know…” he says as if he’s desperate. “Why…why would you not tell me?”

“Because you were with Yujin! Because you kept telling me how much you loved her! How pretty you thought she was, how happy you were to be with her, how smart and kind and funny and fucking perfect you thought she was! You were happy. You were happy with someone who wasn't me and although that killed me, you were happy. I couldn't do that to you.” you say as your voice breaks.

“So that justified you suffering in silence? Why would you rather see me happy while you were in pain?”

You look at him like the answer was obvious. How does he not get it? You stare at him as you remain quiet, looking at him as if it’s your last time. “Because I love you.” you say, softly.

He feels like you’re looking at him as if he is the most special person to walk on earth. He swallows out of nervousness as he realizes you gave him your heart completely. “You love me so much that you were willing to put yourself through hell just to see me be happy?” He doesn’t feel worthy of that…but you seem to think he is. You love him.

“Wouldn’t you have done the same for Yujin?”

You don’t want to hear him answer this. You don’t want to know, but you feel like he doesn’t understand. You feel like you keep repeating yourself and he’s relishing in it.

He doesn’t know how to answer. Would he? Hearing how you describe your love for him, he realizes what he felt for Yujin maybe wasn’t love. Maybe it was comfort. Or security. Or the fact that someone wanted to be with him so seriously. Maybe he did love her, but…not the way you love him. This sounds like love. This sounds like what he was supposed to feel. “Yes…” he says, not really sure if that’s true. He wants to believe he loves her. He wants to believe he didn’t waste almost four years on something that ends up meaning absolutely nothing. He has to love her.

“Then you get it.”

“Did you just hope we would break up one day so you and I would get together?”

You sigh, “You still don't get it. I know you don't feel the same way. I know I am not the type of girl you want to be with. I'm not the type of girl any guy wants to be with seriously.”

How could you say that about yourself? Sunghoon doesn’t believe any of that, not for a single fucking second. “That isn’t true. You’re smart, kind, funny, and pretty.”

“Stop.”

“No. It’s true. Everything I just said is true. You think no guy would be able to fall in love with you, but they would. You would make an awesome girlfriend.” he tries to reassure you.

You don’t want any guy.

“You’re not making me feel better.”

“What am I supposed to do, then? Agree with the bullshit you’re saying about yourself? Because that’s not fucking happening.”

“What I want you to say…you can’t.”

“Try me. Tell me.”

You just look at him. He doesn’t get it. He isn’t saying it because he doesn’t feel the same. This realization makes you feel like you’re crumpling. You look at him, defeated. If you have to tell him, you know he would only say it to make you feel better, not because he actually wants to. That. That’s what hurts the most. He would say it because you’re his best friend…but you don’t want to be.

“...are you going to try and get back together with Yujin?”

He pauses. He thinks about it for a second. “Right now…I don’t know. I guess a part of me wants to try still. Does that make me shitty?” He’s not sure why he does. Yujin is the first girl he’s ever told he loved…and he doesn’t say it often. Maybe he’s like you, in a way. He doesn’t really like saying stuff like that. It felt weird when he said it. But he thinks that’s just because he’s never said it before.

“Why would I?”

“I feel like an asshole for even considering it after everything you’ve told me-”

“She’s the one you love.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” he says, truthfully. He just needs to think. He just needs one damn second to think.

“Then let me make it clear: be with her. From my perspective, she's the one you want. What I told you, how I so stupidly cried in front of you, that doesn't matter. I told you this earlier: you should've chosen her. So just, make up with her tomorrow or whatever and be with her.” you swallow. “...but I can't be your friend.”

He sees you giving up. He hears it. He hates it. His mind is running a thousand miles per minute, he can’t fucking think and it’s pissing him off. “It’s not that easy. I can’t just ‘choose’ between the two of you. I’m confused, I just…I want to be with whoever makes me happy.”

He’s always been happy with you. Sure, you two fought, but you always got over it. You make him happy. So goddamn happy. But he’s scared. He just gave nearly four years of his life to Yujin…what if it’s because he does love her?

“That’s her.”

“How are you so sure it’s not you?”

“I know.”

He groans in frustration. “So, I have to choose between the two of you?”

You. He chooses you. He’s not sure about the rest of it, but all he knows is that he chooses you. Four years with Yujin doesn’t compare to the years you and him have had together. Nothing else matters. You. Just you.

“Just be with her.”

“What if I want to be with you?”

He hasn’t thought about it. Maybe he chooses you only as a best friend. What if he doesn’t choose you for love? …does he love you? He recalls the teasing from classmates when you guys were younger, but he's never really given any thought to it possibly becoming real. Does he love you the same way he loves Yujin? Does he even love Yujin? He doesn’t know…he just doesn’t know.

“You don’t.”

“And what makes you so sure that I choose Yujin over you? What makes you so sure you’re ‘not enough’ for me?”

“...because you would’ve chosen me first.”

“I can still choose you.”

You sigh, “You're making this complicated. You know she's the one you love, stop feeling bad for me like I'm some lost puppy and just admit it. I don't want your pity and I certainly don't want you to say you ‘choose me’ because you're confusing your pity for feelings. Stop saying I'm this great girl and stop saying any guy would be lucky to have me, that makes me feel worse. So just make up with Yujin and get back with her. Reassure her that you love her because you do and tell her I won't be a problem anymore because you and I aren't anything anymore. Problem solved.”

Is this really what you believed? Is this really what you thought? He just needed some time, he can’t think. He doesn’t know what to think anymore. You were speaking as if it was impossible for him to love you, but what if he does? How is he supposed to know? How did he know with Yujin? He’s questioning whether he even loved her since he can’t even compare how he feels about you with whatever he felt with her. He just knows it’s stronger. But stronger in what way? He sees how you’re looking at him and he realizes the only way for him to succeed in making you feel better–which is what he truly wants–is to just listen to you. He doesn’t want to. But he wants to see you be happy, even if it means he isn’t.

“Are you really sure this is what you want me to do?” he barely asks, the words leaving his mouth without any fervor, as if he never wanted to utter them in the first place. As if he doesn’t want to hear your answer; see you walk out of his life.

You don’t answer him. You just look at him before walking past him. You hold your breath, knowing that once you exhale, you’re going to start sobbing. You felt so lonely. So lonely. You’ve always had him…and then you lost him to Yujin…and now, you’ve lost him for good.

He doesn’t turn around to look at you as you walk away, because he knows if he does, he will run after you and that clearly isn’t what you want. You want to let him go, at least that’s how he understands it. He doesn’t want that. He wants you. He knows that much, he knows he needs you. He’s not sure how things will look without you now. He never thought it would be like this, but here he is. …why does this feel so much worse than when Yujin walked away from him? Why does this hurt more than his actual breakup? The reason is one he doesn’t want to admit. He realizes the answer and he refuses to let it grow to fruition. He doesn’t know why it took him until now to figure it out, but he’ll realize that later. He wanted time…now, he’s got it.

Deja vu. That’s what this all feels like. Here Sunghoon was, again, at another stupid frat party around midnight. Here he was, again, with Yujin. He took your advice, he decided to apologize and get back together with her, and these past few months without you have felt like torture. Even using torture to describe it seems too dull. He has thought about nothing but you. He’s heard around campus about people you’ve hooked up with, but he doesn’t feed into it. As he stands here with Yujin at this godforsaken party, all he can feel is regret. He leans against a wall as Yujin talks with her friends and he practically chugs his drink. He doesn’t even want to leave the party because he doesn't think it's worth to waste any of his wants on anything but you. You make up all of his desires and he wants nothing more than for you to be back into his life. He finishes the rest of his drink and to his surprise, he does see you. He stands up straighter as he looks at you, but feels like his insides are on fire when he realizes you’re making out with Sungchan. On the couch. On the couch, you are making out with Sungchan. On the couch, Sungchan is running his hands along your hips and waist. On the couch, you let him.

You would be lying if you said you didn’t miss Sunghoon. A part of you went missing the night you walked away from him. You’ve seen him around campus with Yujin and eventually, it finally felt like you were over it all. Over him. You wouldn’t say you’ve been getting around quite frequently, but you won’t lie when you say that you did get with some guys to help get over him. It didn’t work. But you won’t admit to that. To you, at least, you’re over it. Over him. Sungchan helped a bit with some of the lonely nights, but you two aren’t anything serious. He’s not into that sort of thing and, hey, neither are you…so this is fine. He doesn’t lie to you about how he feels or what he wants and for that, you’re grateful. Although, you do have to admit, making out with him feels boring. Being with him feels boring. It’s not fun like it used to be…and even then, you aren’t completely sure it was even fun in the first place. Whatever, you’ll get into it at some point.

Sunghoon watches, now it really feels like deja vu. Is he dreaming? Or…is this him getting a second chance? Is this when he can finally pull you away from Sungchan and be there for you? Finally tell you how he feels? How he felt the whole time…? Suddenly, his spirits are slightly lifted, that is, until Yujin crosses her arms and scoffs before shoving him. Sunghoon is surprised and turns his attention towards her. Some people look at them, but Yujin doesn’t care, she just looks at Sunghoon, furious.

“Do you even want me to be your girlfriend?”

Maybe honesty wouldn’t be best right now. “I do…”

“Then stop looking at her.”

“Let’s…not make a scene.” he says, trying to calm her down.

“Just be honest for once: do you love me or her?”

He doesn’t know how to answer. He knows his answer, he’s had months to figure it out. But…you made yourself clear. You were done with each other. He sighs. “Can I get a moment to figure it out?” he asks, honestly a bit surprised he didn’t just cave and reassure her.

Yujin frowns and scoffs. “Let me ask you this, then. Do you wish that you were making out with her?”

He looks back at you and Sungchan, seeing him whisper something to you and you giggling before he kisses you again. He looks back at Yujin. “Yeah.” he swallows, gathering all of his courage. “But, that sounds…awful. It’s like you want me to admit I regret getting back together with you or something-”

“Do you?”

“Yes.” he answers without hesitation. He feels all of his muscles tense up. Did he really just say that? Well…it’s the truth, but he never thought he would say it. He feels…better.

Yujin quickly squashes that by slapping him, “We’re done.” she says before storming out, her friends following. Sure, the slap hurt, but as Sunghoon looks back at you and Sungchan…the pain from the slap seems so insignificant in comparison.

You decide to tell Sungchan you’re getting a drink, so you get up from the couch and go into the kitchen. You pour yourself a drink and once you do, you walk to the backyard and take a seat on the patio.

Sunghoon figures you want to be alone…but finds himself following you outside anyway. He walks over to you cautiously. You and him have spoken consistently for practically your whole lives, but he finds himself struggling to even say a simple sentence or ask a question. The time you’ve spent apart was multiple days…too many fucking days in his opinion. He can’t stand it. “Can I sit here?” he asks, referencing the spot beside you. You shrug as you take a sip of your drink. He feels relieved, baby steps, right? He takes a seat beside you and thinks for a moment on how to keep the conversation going. “So…what were you telling Sungchan?” …has he lost the ability to socialize or something because why was this the question he asks? He bites his bottom lip a bit in frustration at himself.

“Spying on me?” you tease as you extend your cup, offering him some.

Sunghoon chuckles softly and shakes his head. Hearing your voice for the first time in months makes him remember just how much he’s missed you. He feels like everything in his life is restored and he smiles a bit. “You guys were all over each other on the couch, is it really weird for me to wonder?”

You shrug, “I mean, just typical flirting and dirty talk or whatever. Why?”

He feels his breath catch in his throat. “Dirty talk”?...what the fuck? “Um…no reason…I guess I was just…curious or something.” he mumbles.

“Are you here with Yujin?” you ask as you take another sip of your drink.

He shakes his head. “Well, not anymore. She broke up with me so…I’m alone now.” he realizes how that might’ve come off. “Alone here now…not…me alone altogether…or anything.” he cringes and looks away from you, feeling completely stupid.

“What? Why did she break up with you?”

“She…saw me…looking at you and Sungchan…so she broke up with me.” he says, not really wanting to say the other stuff from the argument. You laugh in response and he frowns. “Don’t laugh.”

You nudge his shoulder, “It’s okay. If she broke up with you for that dumb of a reason, her loss.” You say as you take another sip.

He smiles slightly. It feels like old times. It feels like he has you back. It feels like you want him back. “Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s probably best I don’t have her constantly being suspicious about me and you.”

“Especially since we haven’t talked in months.”

He feels caught off guard by your blunt statement. Sure, it’s true…but it sounds like you didn’t miss him. “Yeah…we haven’t talked in a while.” You just take another sip of your drink and he looks back at you. “I’ve missed you.” He waited for you to say something back, but you didn’t. “I’ve um…missed talking to you like before. Like, before…everything got complicated and stuff-”

“I know what you meant.”

He nods his head a bit, everything now feeling awkward. “So…what have you been up to? Anything interesting happen?”

“Nope.”

“Really? Nothing? Nothing at all?”

“Yup” you say as you take another drink.

“So…for the past few months, you’ve done absolutely nothing interesting?” he asks, his tone being more lighthearted and joking to try and diffuse the tension.

“No offense, but I’m not really looking to ‘catch up’ with you.”

Sunghoon feels his heart stop for a moment, but he tries to play it off. “Okay, ouch.” he laughs nervously, “So you’re not even remotely interested in talking with me?”

You shrug, “I dunno. These past few months without you, I’ve kinda just been doing my own thing, I guess.”

Your response left him feeling worthless. Like, he didn’t even mean a single thing to you before. Which, he knows isn’t true…but you sound like you mean it. “So, you haven’t missed me at all? Not even talking to me?”

“At first, yeah. But don’t worry, I’m not in love with you anymore.”

“...you’re not…in love with me anymore…?” he asks as he feels his blood run cold. You just shake your head and continue drinking from your cup. His heart sinks immediately. He feels small; insignificant. His mind jumps back to Sungchan and he frowns. “Are you in love with him now?”

“Him?”

“Sungchan.”

“Eh,” you shrug, “we’re not dating, just casual, I guess.”

“So, you’re not exclusive with him?”

“No.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah.”

He feels himself growing jealous and frustrated. How could you give yourself to someone who doesn’t love you? Sunghoon feels upset, realizing he unintentionally did the same thing, but still, not to this extent. He knows you. He knows you don’t want this…hopefully. But he sure as hell knows that you don’t deserve this.

“That’s ridiculous. How can you be committed to this?”

“I’m not committed.”

He groans, “That’s…not what I meant. What do you two even get out of this?”

You shrug, “Why do you care? I get you’re a relationship guy even though you’ve only been serious with one girl, but don’t shit on me and what I choose to do.”

The way you spoke got under his skin. “I care because I happen to care about the people around me. In case you haven’t noticed, I care about you.” But you just roll your eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes. I’m being serious. Why do you feel like this isn’t worth talking about?”

“Because we aren’t friends. We aren’t anything. I don’t need your input.”

It feels like you’ve slapped him in the face, and this time, it fucking stings. “What do you mean we aren’t friends? We grew up together, how the hell are we not friends?”

“Are you stupid?”

“Am I stupid?” he asks, offended and frustrated. He was starting to lose his patience. “No. I’m not. I still consider you as my friend. We grew up together, went to the same schools, hung out every damn day, how is none of that relevant?”

“We haven’t spoken in months.”

“So what?” he asks, feeling as though your friendship suddenly means less than nothing to you, somehow.

“I told you that night that I wasn’t going to be your friend anymore.”

He freezes. He knows. He also knows you don’t just say shit without it meaning anything. He knows you aren’t friends anymore, but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want you to be nothing to each other. He thought that if, maybe, he admitted he still sees you as his friend, you would admit the same. But you don’t. And now he feels that same empty feeling. “So…you’re just fine with letting us go without a second thought?”

You look at him, “Do you not remember anything from that night? Of course if fucking hurt; I was in love with you.”

“So it does matter.”

You sigh, “It doesn’t matter anymore; that was a long time ago.” you say as you take another sip.

He looks at you for a moment, feeling like his heart has become a punching bag and you were just taking any hit you could. Was this really the same person he grew up with? That he… “How could it not matter anymore? We used to mean the world to each other…how can that just…be…over?”

You look at him, “Because I had to get over you.”

“It’s not that easy. I spent everyday thinking about you. Everyday.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you!” He thought your question was so redundant, he honestly didn’t even realize what he said at first.

“But…” you sit there, stunned. He finally said what you wanted him to say for so long, even if it was with a frustrated tone, still…it counted. “What about Yujin?”

“She…she doesn’t matter. You do. She always suspected I was in love with you-”

“Well, this is news to me.”

He deadpans. “Are you being fucking serious? I get I never said it before, but…” he pauses; he sees what you mean. “Okay…but…you never once thought it was possible that I love you?”

“No. Because that night when I told you that I was in love with you, you just kept saying I was your best friend. You’re so full of it.”

“I’m not full of it! I just…for fucks sake, I just didn’t know. I thought…I don’t know, I thought maybe for you it was just passing, or something, I don’t know what I thought I just…I don’t know.”

“Right. So as I stood there, crying my eyes out as I told you how much I loved you, you thought it was one sided.” you say as you roll your eyes.

“I…” he feels like he did that night, like he can’t think. “I just didn’t know, maybe something was holding me back, I don’t know.”

“I know why.”

He looks at you, relieved, thankful that you understand what he means. “You do?”

“Of course you didn’t want to admit to that. How embarrassing for you to have a crush on one of the school’s biggest sluts.”

He frowns. “That’s not what I mean. You honestly think it’s embarrassing for me to like you?”

“Exactly. And you knew that. I don’t blame you, no guy wants their girlfriend to be a whore.” You take another sip of your drink and you look at him. “Look, I’m not mad. I got over it and I honestly don’t care anymore. I know what I am and I know that until we graduate, that’s all I’ll probably be. But it doesn’t matter. Yujin breaking up with you not too long ago was dumb, you’re a really great guy, but you’ll find someone else.” You take another sip, “I should probably head back in and find Sungchan.”

He felt anger wash over him. Not because you don’t believe him about being in love with you. Not because you were going to Sungchan. But because of the fact that you believe the things you say about yourself. You’re so special, so goddamn special, and Sunghoon is so scared as he realizes he may be too late.

“And what if I don’t want to find someone else? What if I don’t want anyone else but you?”

You look at him for a moment. “Do you remember how you would talk about Yujin with me? You may not remember everything you said, but I remember it all and I remember how you looked as you said it. You talked about her like she was the most special and most beautiful girl in the world. You had this smile that you only had with her…” you pause for a moment, “You may say you have feelings for me…but they're not like the ones you had for her, and that’s okay. I don’t want you to feel bad because you deserve to be happy, but you also deserve to find another girl that makes you talk and feel that same way…and I know that’s not me.”

You’re so wrong. You’re so fucking wrong and it was pissing him off. He wishes he just figured this out earlier. He wishes that he asked you out instead. He wishes that he told you he loves you that night. He wishes he kissed you. He wishes he held you and didn’t let go. He swallows, “You remember everything I said?” he asks, slightly surprised to hear that. Honestly, he doesn’t even remember what he said. Not anymore.

“Of course I do…I wanted nothing more than for it to be me.” you say quietly as you take a sip and sigh. “But like I said, water under the bridge.”

He feels tears begin to form. “Why did we have to grow apart? Why didn’t you just talk to me? Just one damn word. Something. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“I can’t be your friend.”

“Why not?”

You look at him for a long moment, just staying quiet. “...I’m only going to say this once…but if I stayed your friend, I would just keep hurting myself…I would still love you.”

He stays quiet for a while. Even the loud music and chatter from the people inside seemed to drown out as he looked at you; you’re all that matters; you’re all that deserves his attention. “...did it hurt when we would talk everyday?”

You sigh softly and shake your head. “Not until you started dating Yujin. Before that, everything was fine. But once she happened…it hurt like hell.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told you. I couldn’t do that to you, you were happy.”

“I would have wanted to know. I would have wanted to be there for you…”

You laugh a little, “No, that’s weird.” You shake your head and still laugh a little, “It’s fine, I’m over it.”

“It’s not weird. It’s not okay for you to act like everything is fine.” he says, softly.

“Why are you trying to rehash this? There’s no point. Or do you like to hear about how I used to love you and it gives you some sort of ego boost or something?” you ask, not wanting to dive back into this…not again. He shakes his head, but he sighs. What is the point? You aren’t believing him and you’ve said it yourself…you’re over him. You stand up and his eyes follow you, “I’m gonna go find Sungchan. Later.” you say, not really meaning the ‘later’ part, but nonetheless, you walk away and all he can do is watch you leave…again.

He heads back into the party, wanting to find solace in getting batshit drunk or something, but he continues to torture himself by watching you dance with Sungchan. His eyes only focus on you, sure, he’s jealous and pissed off that you’re with Sungchan, but he only sees you. Sees how you move and he finds himself wishing you were dancing with him.

Sungchan pulls you closer, just whispering sweet nothings in your ear and you feel his hands grab your ass. You giggle a little and try to enjoy your time with him as he starts kissing your neck. You laugh softly as you dance with him and, unfortunately for Sunghoon, he’s bearing witness to it all. His hand practically crushes his red solo cup as fury ignites within him when he watches what Sungchan is doing. That should be him. Not that he would be so…vulgar with his actions, but it should still be him instead. He sees Sungchan whisper something to you as he takes your hand and starts taking you upstairs.

As he watched the two of you making your way upstairs, his whole body shook and trembled in rage. Every step that the two of you took together enraged him. He hated the way you casually held his hand and how he casually walked you up the stairs. He hated how he acted as if he had every right to touch you like that. He hated the fact that you were both so comfortable with one another at this point. He hated the fact that he was leading you away to his room…

You were so focused on following Sungchan, you were surprised to feel a tug on your other hand once you reached the top of the stairs. Both Sungchan and you stop and you turn to see Sunghoon holding your other hand.

Sunghoon felt at ease, like he was grounded when he felt your hand in his. This made him more confident as he tugged you towards him, wanting you away from Sungchan. This pisses Sungchan off and he scoffs as he looks at Sunghoon.

“The hell?” Sungchan says, not in the mood for any games. He tugs the hand he was holding, pulling you back towards him, but you find yourself only focused on Sunghoon as your heart starts to beat faster.

Sunghoon pulls you back towards him, his grip on your hand tightening. “Back off.” he says as he glares at Sungchan.

“You back off.” Sungchan says as he tugs you back towards him.

Sunghoon realized that you were just being tugged around, so he stopped, but he kept holding your hand. “Let go of her.”

“You let go of her.” He looks at you, “Who the hell is this guy?” Sungchan asks, annoyed.

“Someone who actually loves her instead of using her.”

You look at Sunghoon, surprised to hear him say that. Sure, he said he loved you earlier…but this time when he said it, he said it like it was what he meant to say; what he wanted to say.

Sungchan laughs. “You love her?”

Sunghoon glares at him. “Yes. I love her. Now back off.”

Sungchan scoffs and puts his arm around you. “Tell you what, bud, you can have her when I’m done.” Sungchan winks as he pulls you towards him.

Sunghoon feels enraged. This asshole was acting so entitled, acting like he won this argument when Sunghoon knew damn well he wasn’t giving up. The fact that he had the nerve to call him “bud” too made Sunghoon want to throw him down the flight of fucking stairs. How he treated you was disgusting, talking about you like that in front of you. Sunghoon tugged you towards him one last time and Sungchan rolled his eyes.

“Whatever.” Sungchan looks at you, “You know where my room is.” he says as he winks at you before walking away.

Sunghoon grimaces as Sungchan leaves, but feels better once he’s gone. The whole time, you were just looking at Sunghoon and you feel as though your heart is beating out of your chest as he holds your hand. After what he said. After all of this. He meets your gaze and he looks at you in a much more gentle manner.

“You deserve so much more…” he whispers, his breath lightly brushing along your face since you’re so close together. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry-”

“Stop.”

“No.” he says as he lets go of your hand and uses it instead to gently cup your face. “I wasn’t lying. You are all I’ve thought about for these past few months and you’re all I can ever think about. I’ve missed you every single damn second of the day and I’m sorry I was too scared to say it all before. I love you. And all this time, I’ve just thought about what you mean to me and the answer is everything; you mean everything to me. ...that seems like such a vague thing to say now that I say it out loud.” he chuckles softly, “But everything means nothing if you’re not with me. Eating, sleeping, breathing, blinking, are all pointless if I can’t spend one goddamn second with you. I’m not embarrassed of you and I only realized that night when you left that I’ve always been in love with you. Always. What I felt with Yujin is all meaningless when I compare it to how I feel about you. I love you. It was never her. Not for even a millisecond. You asked me if I would put myself through pain just to see her happy and I told you yes. I lied. I thought that was what I would do, but I realized I actually did that with you. I let you walk away because that’s what you wanted. I didn’t want that, god-” he takes a sharp inhale as he rests his forehead on yours, “It’s always been you…and I’m so sorry I never said it until now. I’m so sorry I put you through all of that shit. I’m so sorry, but please…” he whispers as he looks into your eyes, all of his focus only on you. “I love you.”

You feel your breath hitch slightly and you feel so tempted just to kiss him, but you hold yourself back. You smile a little bit and pull away slightly, feeling relieved. “...I need to smoke. You want one?” you ask as you take his hand, going into an empty bedroom.

He closes the door behind the two of you as you walk over and sit on the bed, opening the window beside it. He sits beside you as you take out your pack and he smiles a bit. “Yeah, I do.” he says as you hand him one. He watches as you light yours and then you light his for him. You both sit silently for a moment as you smoke, it being a comfortable silence until he speaks. “Thank you.” he says, mainly for lighting his cigarette, but he does want it to apply to you not leaving him again.

“I forgive you.” you say after a moment.

“You do?” he asks as he takes a drag and looks at you.

“Yeah.” you say as you take another drag yourself. “But you’ve got to get better at saying how you feel.” you tease.

He scoffs playfully and nudges your arm. “Says you.” he mumbles as he continues to smoke.

You laugh softly and shrug. “We’ll work on it.” you say before exhaling your smoke and he nods his head a bit as you both look out of the window for a moment. You glance at him and inhale from your cigarette before gently pulling him towards you. He turns his head to look at you and you kiss him gently, shotgunning the smoke slowly into his mouth.

His eyes widen a bit as his heart beats rapidly. He closes his eyes as he inhales, letting the smoke slowly fill his lungs while he leans forward to kiss you back, indulging in the feeling of your lips on his even if it wasn’t an actual kiss. After blowing out the smoke, you break the kiss and watch as he exhales the smoke. He does it slowly, feeling as though his lips are tingling, begging to meet yours again. He smirks a bit after he exhales all of the smoke and looks at you. “Damn…that was good.” he whispers as he blushes a bit.

You grin, taking another drag, “I’ve missed you.”

He takes a drag as well as smiles softly. “I’ve missed you, too.” It goes quiet, but this time, a comfortable silence as you two smoke. He blows some smoke out of the window and looks back at you. “Do you think…we could give this another shot?”

You follow suit and blow some smoke out of the window before looking at him. “Our friendship or…something more this time?”

“Something more. Both, hopefully.” he smirks a bit as he says this, taking another drag.

You smirk a little back and chuckle softly, “I really want that.”

“So do I.” he whispers as his eyes lock onto yours. He smiles softly, “We’re going to be official.”

He reaches for your hand and carefully interlaces his fingers with yours. You take another drag as you smile shyly. “Good…” you say, softly.

Your fingers seem to fit with his perfectly; everything about you is perfect and it was things like this that make him realize it all the more. You hold hands as you smoke silently, both feeling a fluttering excitement in your stomachs as your relationship dynamic shifts to one that you both have been longing for before you even realized it yourselves. He glances at you as he exhales some smoke.

“Good? Wow…I was expecting some more passion out of that.” he teases, gently squeezing your hand.

You laugh before finishing your cigarette and putting it out. You turn your body a bit to face him, “What about…fucking incredible?”

He laughs loudly at your new choice of phrasing. He calms down after a moment, “That’s more like it.” he says with a grin before smoking his cigarette again. His gaze lingers on you as he watches you smile at his reaction. Stunning. He leans in, letting go of your hand, placing his left hand beside you on the bed as his lips meet yours, kissing you.

You don’t waste a single second, kissing him back immediately as your hand makes its way to the back of his head, your fingers threading with his hair as you push yourself slightly forward, pressing your lips against his more. He inhales sharply as he moves his left arm around your waist, pulling you closer, desperately. He puts out his cigarette and discards it, using his other arm to wrap around you as well as he pulls you onto his lap. You part your legs, straddling his lap as you grin a bit into the kiss, both of your hands using their fingers to gently tug on the ends of his soft hair. You feel yourself fill with excitement, the fact that this is really happening after every inch of your body has desired this exact moment makes you feel restless.

Sunghoon runs his hands up and down your thighs, squeezing them gently, before moving them up to your hips, and then your waist. His hands suddenly felt so big against your skin, his fingers sending shivers throughout your whole body anywhere they touch. He opens his mouth slightly more and you take this as a sign to slip your tongue into it. He grins, this time, and he pulls you closer to him by gripping your waist; your bodies now pressed tightly against each other. He moves his hands to cup your face and you move yours to rest against his chest, your fingers tightly gripping his shirt in an attempt to somehow kiss him deeper. His tongue glides across yours as he kisses you with increasing desperation. The need for you grows every second that passes, he has to kiss every inch of you, he has to make you his, he has to make you feel loved; the only thoughts devouring his mind at this very moment consisted of nothing but you and his need to ensure you only ever want him.

The kiss becomes sloppy, both of your lips becoming covered in one another, and you feel yourself craving more. So much more. You bite his bottom lip a little, testing to see if this will make him decide to take initiative, resulting in him gasping softly and releasing a low moan. He liked it. He liked it a lot. He moves his hands back to your waist, pushing you down against his lap and his jaw loosens a bit as he loses his breath, feeling you finally press against his erection. You moan softly, enjoying the feeling of some sort of contact where you desperately needed it the most and it felt so good knowing he wanted you just as much as you wanted him. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had to have you.

One of his hands grips your thigh and his other arm goes back to wrapping around your waist as he picks you up a bit and lays you back against the bed, not once breaking the kiss; at this point, kissing you has become his oxygen supply. Feeling your hands on him is the only thing keeping him alive. His lips part from yours only to kiss along your jaw, just below your ear, and down to your neck. You gasp softly and your eyelids flutter closed as you relish in the feeling of his soft lips kissing your skin. He takes one of his hands and uses it to move some of your hair out of the way, placing it on the back of your head, pulling your hair softly to move your head back so he has more room to work with on your neck. You let out a soft moan, feeling him leave open mouthed kisses on every single inch of your skin, him making sure he doesn’t miss a single spot.

He opens his eyes a bit and looks at you, to see how he’s making you feel. He watches as your lips part slightly as you take in small gasps of air, as if he leaves you utterly breathless; you’ve never looked more beautiful. He watches to see what spot of your neck when he kisses it that you seem to like the most. Once he gets to a certain spot and watches you bite your bottom lip a bit, he smirks slightly against your skin and sucks gently on the area. His tongue laps the spot a bit as he sucks and nibbles on it; this was his spot now. You moan softly and you feel your breath slightly catch in your throat as he leaves a hickey. He leaves a few soft pecks on the spot a little after he’s left his mark and he smiles a bit to himself.

You feel the warmth of his body pull away from yours and your eyes open as you look at him. The moon shined a bit through the window, the light falling beautifully on him as he looked at you with a slightly flushed face. He looked back at you, seeing you laying on this bed, all for him, he felt like he was going crazy. He sits on his knees between your legs as his hands run along your thighs; he just keeps looking at you, admiring all of you. You lay there, looking at him, feeling your body become hot as he looks at you through hooded eyes, as if you leave him in a trance. Your breathing picks up in speed as he runs his hands painfully slow along your thighs and as much as you want to pull him back towards you, you feel as though you’re frozen.

He takes a slow, deep breath, as his left hand travels up to gently take your right hand. He holds it up softly, separating your fingers with his as he loosely holds your hand, his gaze now focusing on your hands. He raises your hand up and leans in, raising it to his mouth. He softly plants his lips on your fingertips, kissing them softly, up to your knuckles, trailing his lips to the back of your hand, then gently turning it to kiss along the palm of your hand. He closes his eyes as he kisses down your arm--slowly--and gently lays your arm back at your side as he kisses up to your shoulder. His hands move to the hem of your short dress, slowly sliding it up, you raising your hips to help him, and he stops, leaving it bunched around your waist as he goes back to kissing along your shoulder. He gently pushes the strap of your dress down your shoulder as he focuses on kissing your body, moving along your collarbone. He breathes deeply, pushing the other strap out of the way as he leaves open mouthed kisses on your left shoulder, down your arm, his hands gently holding it up as he kisses up to your wrist. You watch him, feeling as if your body is constantly shivering, still dressed (albeit, your dress is pushed up), yet feeling completely exposed. His hand envelopes over your left hand as he kisses your palm like he cherishes your entire being, the way he looks is as if he’s wanted to do this his whole life.

He kisses your fingers, knuckles, and fingertips, opening his eyes slowly as he lets go of your arm gently. He moves his hands back to your waist, pulling your dress up more and you sit up, realizing your body is shaking, and he kisses your forehead before pulling your dress off carefully, like he’s afraid if he does it too fast, you’ll break. He lets the dress fall to the ground, the fabric hitting the hard wood floor just as softly as he lets it go. It’s as if the room is silent, no muffled music from downstairs, no rolling of tires from the occasional cars passing on the streets, no soft wind hitting the curtains, nothing except the quiet breaths escaping from his and your lips. He feels his erection become even more painfully hard as he looks at you, and he swallows, honestly trying not to let out a moan just at the sight of you. His breath stifles a little as he places his hand on the small of your back, steadying you as he leans back in, kissing the top of your chest. He feels himself growing more desperate, desperate to feel every inch of your skin on his lips, on his fingertips.

He breathes in sharply as he presses his face more into your chest, his lips sloppily kissing along your chest as his need for you grows. His tongue trails along your skin and he shudders, his hands becoming shaky as he holds your waist, all his focus practically on making out with your chest. A low moan elicits from him and from the way he was kissing your chest with such desperation made you moan softly in response, one of your bra straps falling a little off your shoulder from his movements. It’s as if he senses it and just decides to unclasp your bra, still trying to let it slide off of you slowly and hold himself back, but once he sees you take it off, your bare chest exposed, he feels himself get so close to cumming in his pants. He gently lays you back on the bed, wasting no time, however, to wrap his lips around one of your nipples. Your breath hitches and you moan as he releases his desperation. Kissing, sucking, and fondling your breasts, small whimpers coming from him as he feels elated to finally be doing this. Spit covers your chest almost instantly as he licks and sucks, kneading your breasts, moaning as the soft flesh squeezes and molds beneath his hands. And it’s only until he feels his breathing becoming quick, his dick aching in his pants, is when he stops. He pulls away slightly, his hair slightly covering his eyes as he stares at them, his trembling fingers squeezing and spreading his spit along them, his thumbs pressing and circling your nipples, and you feel as if ripples just went throughout your entire body.

You gently push his hair away from his face and he goes back to kissing along your stomach, down to your panties. You can feel momentarily the thin layer of sweat covering his forehead when you push his hair away, running your fingers through his locks and he whines softly against your skin, his hands gripping your sides and finally moving to the edge of your panties. You wait in anticipation, expecting him to take them off, so you raise your hips slightly, but he pulls away. You pout–only slightly–as you look at him with a confused expression. He smiles sweetly, as if he’s not the one that caused you to quite literally soak through your panties. He’s noticed, god, he’s noticed, but it takes everything in him not to behave like some animal. So, with that, he moves his hands down to your feet, slowly taking off your shoes for you before setting them on the ground. He moves back a little, leaning down to kiss along your leg, stopping at your knee, before moving to do the same thing to the other leg, but this time, he kisses up your thigh, leaving open mouthed kisses on the inner part of your thigh, gently nipping at your skin, and up to your hip. He gazes at you through his eyelashes as he moves to kiss along the other thigh, closing his eyes as he moans deeply against your skin, his tongue running along your skin.

He takes in a shaky, deep breath, and you feel your whole body become stiff once you feel his warm breath scatter so deliciously on your core. He gently places his hand over your sopping panties and your breath hitches, your whole body feeling grateful for some sort of contact. His brows furrowed as he slowly rubs his middle finger along your clothed slit, a low groan escaping his lips as he feels even more of your wetness seep through the fabric as he pushes into it. His mind feels hazy; he has to taste you. He takes his hand away, licking his middle finger and he feels as if his whole body exploded. He moans quietly to himself, before gripping your thighs and sticking his tongue out, licking a slow, long stripe between your clothed folds to your clit. Your eyes roll back as you gasp and moan. His fingers dig into the skin of your thighs as he feels himself lose all sense of sanity. He wanted nothing more than to take his time, but fuck, he can’t do it anymore.

His lips instantly latch around your clothed clit, sucking and lapping his tongue as he starts to subconsciously rut his hips against the mattress. His saliva soaks your panties entirely as he presses his tongue more firmly, causing you to moan louder, gasping, as your hand makes its way to his hair, your fingers tangling in it. He moans and pulls away only a little before diving back in, pushing your panties to the side with his face as he makes out between your folds. His jaw is working overtime, his tongue lapping and picking up as much of you as you can give, His nose bumps against your clit as he loses himself in your taste, eating you out like a madman. He groans and moans into you, his hip movements stuttering as he licks all the way back up to your clit, moving his right hand off of your thigh before pushing his middle and ring finger into you, making sure to rub them between your folds before he does. He sucks and licks your clit, moaning and whimpering as he pushes his fingers in and out of you, not stopping until his knuckles prevent him.

You moan his name, gripping his hair, pushing his face against your clit more as your legs shake and you cum, moaning his name. He whimpers and the way you taste sends him over the edge as he feels himself cum in his pants, his jaw falling slack a bit, and he pulls his fingers out, desperate to lick them clean. You let go of his hair, trying to catch your breath and he sits up, his face slick and covered in you, and he tugs your panties off. You look at him, watching as he undresses himself and you feel your body become light as he reveals more and more of himself to you. His bare chest, his abs, god, his biceps, you were about ready to start touching yourself at the sight, desperate for him, but you managed to stay put.

He feels his ego boost a little bit, watching how you look at him, examining his body as if he is some work of art. He’s going to give you everything he knows you deserve and that thought alone makes him smirk. You notice as he takes off his underwear the wet patch from his prior release, making you grin a bit. He finally lets his cock out, it still being painfully hard despite him having cummed already, and you gaze at it. You feel yourself clench around nothing, wanting him so desperately to fill you up and he sees it. He smiles innocently, as if you both aren’t completely naked and horny before he grabs a cigarette and lights it. He takes a drag as he spreads the precum spilling from his tip all along his length and you watch his every movement, honestly feeling your mouth water at the sight. You sit up and he motions his head to the window as the cigarette sits between his lips.

You turn and face the window, propping your forearms against the windowsill as you look outside, the cool breeze honestly feeling nice against your flushed, hot skin. You feel his presence shift behind you as he takes another drag. He sighs softly, looking at yourself propped like this, he places his free hand on your hip, lining himself up with you. He moves that hand and gently brushes your hair softly to the side, exposing your back entirely, and you turn your head a bit to look back at him. He exhales some smoke and meets your gaze, gently brushing his fingers along your cheek.

“Relax…” he says before leaning to whisper in your ear, “and don’t be afraid to let the neighborhood know my name.” he says before kissing your cheek.

You feel your body shudder at his words and he holds the cigarette between his lips as he uses one hand to hold your hip, the other gripping his cock before he slides it up and down, teasingly, between your folds. You gasp softly and he smirks, pushing his tip against your clit and he hisses a little, more precum leaking from his tip. He guides his cock into you, needing to quickly grab his cigarette from his mouth due to his jaw falling slack as he bottoms out into you. Your fingers grip the edge of the windowsill, your jaw dropping as you feel him finally giving you what you want. You moan and become breathless. He takes another drag from his cigarette before moving his hand from your hip to your shoulder as he pulls his hips away and then thrusts himself back into you entirely.

He filled you up perfectly, and he was damn ready to cum just from the way it felt like you perfectly fit around him. So warm and so fucking wet. He thrusts in and out of you a few times, groaning as you moan, sounds of you coating his cock more and more each time he goes in and out of you. He takes a shaky inhale from his cigarette, his eyes rolling back a bit as he thrusts a bit faster, before taking the cigarette out of his mouth, gripping the back of your head, a handful of your hair between his fingers, as he pulls you up and turns your head towards him. You moan and whine looking at him as he kisses you, shotgunning you this time as he keeps a steady pace of thrusting into you. You felt like you were going to choke, but you inhale what he exhales and as he pulls away, you turn back and lean your forearms against the windowsill as you blow out the smoke, gasping afterwards and moaning his name.

“Good girl,” he groans and puts the cigarette out, putting both of his hands on your hips, thrusting faster. “Such a good girl.”

You moan at his praise and breathe quickly as all you can do is let out strings of long moans as you feel his cock press into you over and over, him somehow hitting every area that makes your knees weak and mind hazy. His fingers dig into your skin as his hips rapidly pound and slap against your ass, the sound of skin slapping becoming louder and louder. You moan his name loudly, and as a reward, he pushes further, you feeling his tip brush against your cervix and you gasp, moaning his name lewdly. He grunts, the way you just moaned his name almost made him cum automatically.

“Louder, sweetheart, come on.”

You gasp for air as he fucks you so goddamn good, and you try to arch your lower back a bit so he can go deeper. You moan his name as many times as he wants, whatever it takes for him to rut in and out of you faster, to which he obliged. His breathing becomes heavy and your legs shake as you throw your head back a bit, your jaw dropping as you let out a long moan, cum spreading all over his cock. He grunts and whimpers, wrapping his arms around your waist as his brows knit together, him leaning down and kissing your shoulder as he pumps you full of cum, a low moan coming from him and onto your shoulder. He moans your name softly as he lets out a few more shallow thrusts, making sure he gives you every last drop. You feel yourself shiver as the warm liquid pushes into you and you whine a little.

After a moment of him holding you close and staying inside of you, he kisses your shoulder softly again before pulling out and pulling away. He lays back onto the bed and you shudder as you feel his and your cum spilling out of you and trailing slowly down your inner thigh. He opens his arms a bit and you go to him, letting out a sigh as you rest your head on his chest and feeling content when his arms wrap around you. His hand slowly moves up and down your back before he kisses the top of your head. It’s silent for a while as you both lay there.

“So…we’re a thing now?” you ask, partly joking, but part of you was seriously asking.

He looks down at you and scoffs playfully. “After all of this, you still don’t get it?” he chuckles softly. “I want nobody but you.”

2K notes · View notes

nvrsaidiwasinurcloset · 3 months

Text

Sex & Super Smash Bros. - Ethan Landry x Fem!Reader

This contains SMUT - Minors DNI

Summary: Ethan finally makes a move on his best friend.

Contains: Oral - m and f receiving, p in v, a smidge of dirty talk, praise, and one ass slap lmao.

Word Count: 4.5k

A/N: When I first started writing this, I was OBSESSED with the song Sex & Super Smash Bros. by Kyle lmao.

So, I have a few other fics in the works atm(This one wasn't even the one I wanted to post first, but it's been half-finished for like, two months🙃). BUT I posted the other day that all of my requests disappeared, so if anyone has anything they wanted written that hasn't been yet, PLEASE let me know. I was saving all the ones I hadn't written until I got the inspiration for them.

Ethan Landry was your best friend. Sometimes you’d go out to dinner by yourselves, or go see movies together, but they were never dates. Well, maybe they were. He always wanted to pay, and he’d walk you back to your apartment door every time, but there was never any affection aside from a hug.

You were so close that you even drug him into Victoria’s Secret during a mall trip because you noticed they were having a sale. He had to pretend the whole time that he wasn’t imagining you in the things you picked out, and good god why did you need the skimpiest panties and bras they had? He felt a little jealous as he wondered who you wanted to wear them for, but the truth is, you didn’t need to wear them for anyone. As long as you felt good in what was underneath your clothes, that’s all that mattered to you.

Ethan was always talking to Chad about you because he thought he had no game whatsoever to even stand a chance. He thought he was stuck in the friend zone, because you just felt so comfortable with him.

“You’re not in the friendzone,” Chad said, glancing over to his friend as he sat on the opposite end of the couch. “I think she’s into you.”

“Dude, I’m starting to wonder if she thinks I’m even interested in girls,” Ethan said, as Chad burst out in laughter. “I’m serious! What girl takes her straight best friend into Victoria’s secret?”

“She feels comfortable with you,” Chad said, trying to convince him that he’s just overthinking it. “That’s a good thing. You never know, maybe she wanted you to know what she wears underneath her clothes.”

“Do you think I should stop hanging out with her so much, and maybe she’ll see that I should be more than her best friend?”

“That’s a stupid idea. Just ask her out on a date.”

“You think I haven’t tried that? She still treats me like I’m just a friend,” Ethan sighed, thinking about all the ‘Dates’ he’s taken you on.

“You need to put moves on her. Like, show her that you want more. Start with something simple, like putting your arm around her or holding her hand. If she doesn’t pull away, she’s interested.”

“It’s just getting to that point…I get so nervous,” Ethan said, before he got an idea. “What if I invite her over to hang out? Maybe I won’t be as nervous if there aren’t a lot of people around if she rejects me.”

“Now that is a good idea,” Chad said, smiling in approval. “Just let me know when so I won’t walk in and interrupt.”

You never brought Ethan up to Tara because she always brought him up first. Like clockwork, the girl’s nights the two of you had consisted of face masks and a movie, then after, she’d always bring up your best friend.

“I think you should talk to Ethan,” Tara said, as you sighed and rolled your eyes. “What? You’re obviously in love with him.”

“That’s the thing…if it’s so obvious, he should’ve noticed. He’s not interested,” you said, as you brushed the topcoat over your nails you’d just painted.

“You know he’s a little shy. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t yet.”

“I think you’re a little delusional,” you joked, as she grabbed one of the gummy bears out of the bag she was snacking from and threw it at you. “Thanks,” you said, grabbing it off the bed beside you and popping it in your mouth.

“I’m not delusional. You hang out with him all the time, by yourself. You go on dates!”

“If they were dates, we would’ve slept together by now,” you said, as she started to smirk.

“Have you thought about sleeping with him?” she questioned, as you felt your cheeks start to heat up. She got her answer when you refused to look at her. “I knew it! He’s tall, too. You know what they say about tall guys.”

“Okay, we’re not talking about how big he is,” you said, shutting down the conversation as she giggled.

Ethan had asked you to come over to hang out many times before, but this time was different. He kept typing and deleting the message he was going to send you, before settling on ‘You want to come over and hang out after class today?’. He rolled his eyes at himself for not wanting to start with that in the first place.

You: Sure. I get out of class at 6. Is that okay?

Ethan: Yeah, I’ll order food so it’ll already be here. See you soon!

Once Ethan checked the time and saw that it was close to six, he felt his palms start to get a little sweaty. He was wondering if he had it in him to do the things that Chad suggested, because what if you weren’t okay with it? The last thing he wanted was for your friendship to come to a halt because he made you uncomfortable.

He heard his phone ding, and he shook his head once he read your ‘I’m here’ text.

“You know, knocking is a thing,” he said, once he’d opened the door for you.

“I know,” you said, smiling at him as you took in the aroma of Chinese food. “Oooh, that smells good.”

“I got your favorite,” he said, following you to the kitchen.

After you ate dinner, Ethan was trying to figure out the best way to make his move. He thought about watching a movie and putting his arm around you, but you had another idea in mind.

“Let’s play Super Smash,” you suggested, as he started to laugh. “What?”

“I win every time. Is that fun for you?”

“Well teach me how to play then,” you said, as he walked over to grab the controllers.

“I can’t show you how to play if I’m the one playing against you.”

“Play someone online. I’ll watch and learn all the tricks,” you said, as he shrugged.

“Okay.”

He noticed that you were trying to keep up with glancing at the tv and seeing what his hands were doing. He got an idea, his nerves kicking in as he turned to look at you.

“We could try something different,” he said, as you curiously looked at him. “Come here.” He spread his legs for you to sit between them as he got more comfortable on the couch. “Okay, just put your hands on mine and you’ll feel what I’m doing.”

“Okay,” you giggled, placing your hands on his. You felt him take a deep breath as your back rested against his chest.

Ethan didn’t know how he was keeping his composure in that moment, but he didn’t want it to be obvious that he was freaking out. Your hands felt so soft on top of his, and the way his arms were wrapped around you to play had his heart racing. You were trying so hard to pay attention to the buttons he was pressing and what happened when he did, but the only thing you could think about was how skillfully his fingers moved.

He was playing against someone that was really good, but Ethan started to press all these different buttons and won the game.

“I don’t know how you just won that,” you said, angling your head so you could look at him. He looked down at you and smiled.

“You helped me win.”

“I didn’t do anything,” you said, as you turned your head back to the tv. His mind was racing, thinking that was the perfect opportunity to try to kiss you, and he didn’t want to let the confidence he was building up slip through the cracks.

He placed his hand under your chin and tilted your head back to face him as he leaned down and placed his lips against yours. You were a little surprised at first, but quickly kissed him back. You felt his tongue brush against your bottom lip, your mouth instinctively opening so he could deepen the kiss. You loved having his mouth on yours, but after a while your neck really started to hurt from the angle.

His eyes shot open once you pulled away, his lips pouty and swollen from the intensity of the kiss.

“Neck cramp,” you said, as he nodded and directed his attention back to the tv. You smirked at him as he got ready to start another round. “Oh, you’re done kissing me?”

“Not at all,” he said, tossing the controller on the coffee table before he pushed you back on the couch. He got settled between your legs, and placed one of his hands beside your head on the couch cushion before he leaned down to connect his lips to yours.

Your hands were in his curls as his tongue fought yours for dominance, your legs tightly wrapped around him to keep him close. He was trying to be in the moment and distract himself at the same time, because he knew he was going to get hard. Once your hips started to squirm, he groaned into the kiss, unable to fight it anymore.

“Okay,” he mumbled against your lips before he sat up. “I need a minute.” His eyes connected with yours that were glazed over in lust, your breathing still heavy from the kiss. You had a feeling that he was really starting to get into it, and you didn’t want to stop.

“We can do more than make out…if you want.”

That was all he needed to hear before he was back on top of you, your legs around his waist again as he started to grind himself against you. You were whimpering into the kiss every time you felt his hard cock brush against your pussy.

“You want to go to my room?” he asked, pulling away to read your face.

“Please.”

When Ethan asked you to hang out, you didn’t think it would lead to the two of you shedding your clothes, both so desperate for each other. Once he was in nothing but his boxers and you in your bra and panties, he recognized the set you were wearing from the day you went shopping.

“Fuuuck me,” he groaned, “I don’t know if I want to take these off you.”

You crawled up on his bed, his eyes still on you as you got comfortable.

“It’s cool. I’ll take them off,” you said, smirking at him as you reached around to unhook your bra. His breathing got even heavier the second he took in the newly exposed skin, but once you reached down to slide your panties off, he sighed in disbelief that his best friend was getting naked for him.

He got on top of his bed with you, but before he crawled on top to connect your lips again, he hesitated. You were wondering if you somehow read the situation wrong until he finally started to speak.

“Before we do this, I need to tell you how I feel,” he said, running one of his hands through his hair as his eyes refused to meet yours. He was nervous, which was more than obvious as you sat up and waited for him to tell you what he needed to tell you. “I’ve had feelings for you for so long…and I know you aren’t supposed to feel that way about your best friend, but I can’t help the way I feel. If you don’t feel the same, maybe we shouldn’t do this. I don’t want to get my heart broken because I’m thinking with my dick right now and tomorrow I’ll be sad that the girl I want more than anything doesn’t want to be with me.”

“Ethan,” you got out, before he started to speak again.

“If you don’t feel the same, it’ll suck, but I still think our friendship is more important than the feelings I have, and I hope things don’t have to change between us,” he rambled, as you giggled and grabbed his hand that was resting on his thigh.

“Are you done? Or can I say what I need to say now?” you said, your tone playful as a small smile formed on his lips, his eyes finally meeting yours. “I have feelings for you, too. I wouldn’t be naked in your bed right now if I didn’t.”

“Seriously?” he asked, a huge smile on his face at the confession. You nodded as you leaned in to connect your lips with his again.

You moved to straddle his lap, your mouth not leaving his as his hands roamed the areas of your body he could reach. The kiss got even more desperate as his hands moved to your ass, pulling you closer so your soaked pussy was resting against his hard cock that was straining in his boxers. He gasped at the feeling when you started to grind, both of you getting some of the friction you were craving.

Your lips moved to his neck, placing open mouthed kisses until you found his sweet spot and lightly sucked on it, the feeling making a small moan slip past his lips.

“Lay back, baby,” you mumbled against his neck as he did what he said, your body moving with his as he relaxed against his comforter.

You kissed down his chest, over his stomach, finally stopping once you made it to the waistband of his boxers. You smirked at him as you sat up a little, watching how quickly his chest was rising and falling, his eyes pleading for you to do more.

You watched his face as your hand reached up to palm him over his boxers, his mouth falling open at the feeling.

“Can I-“ was all you got out before Ethan whimpered “Please” not fully sure of what you were even going to ask, but he desperately needed more.

You giggled to yourself as your fingers hooked in the top of his boxers before you started to inch them down, his hips lifting a little once he noticed you were struggling to get them off.

You glanced down at his cock as you wrapped your hand around it, salivating at the drop of precum already leaking out of his tip before you looked up at him. Your hand moved up and down as his eyes darted between yours and your hand.

“Jesus Christ,” he rushed out as he looked at you, your hand moving a little quicker. “This feels better than I thought it would.”

“You’ve thought about this?” you teased, as he mumbled a ‘Mhm’. “Have you thought about my mouth, too?”

“All the fucking time,” he admitted without missing a beat.

You leaned your head down to lick away the drop of precum, swirling your tongue over the tip of his cock before you inched him in your mouth. Ethan’s hand lazily rested on the back of your head as you took as much of him as you could, your hand moving up and down around what you couldn’t fit.

Ethan was trying so hard to keep quiet, hid bottom lip tightly held between his teeth as your head bobbed, but once you started to gag around him, he let out this strangled whimper. Hearing how good he was feeling only motivated you even more as you moved faster, your saliva dripping down his cock as you hollowed your cheeks.

“Fuck, you’re doing such a good job,” he said, his praise going straight to your throbbing pussy.

His fingers tangled in your hair, the gentle tugs making you moan around him. His breathing got heavier, your name rolling off his tongue in a string of whines. You slid him out of your mouth a little to focus on his tip, your eyes looking deep into his hooded ones.

You knew he was getting close as your hand moved and twisted around him, his hips jerking at the feeling.

“Gonna cum,” he whimpered, the sound making you laugh a little as you sucked harder on his sensitive tip. “Fuck fuck fuck.”

He had his fists bawled up, one in his comforter, the other in your hair as you tasted the salty liquid coat the inside of your mouth. You stopped sucking and switched to gentle licks as you collected ever drop of cum on your tongue, before you swallowed and sat up to look at him.

Ethan’s cheeks were flush, his eyes slowly fluttering open as he came down from his high. He lazily smiled at you before he sat up and grabbed you, flipping you so your back was resting against his bed.

You giggled as his lips attached to your neck, a soft moan slipping out once he found your sweet spot. He sucked on it as your legs wrapped around his waist, pulling his hips closer to yours. You whined as you felt his cock, already hard again for you, resting against your pussy.

“Ethan, I need you,” you said, as he chuckled and placed kisses along your collar bone.

“Patience, baby,” he said, the new pet name making your heart swell as he made his way down your chest.

He ran his tongue over one of your nipples a few times before he sucked it into his mouth, gasps slipping past your lips as you tried to stay still. He gave the other side the same attention, and as good as it felt, your pussy desperately needed attention.

It was like Ethan could read your mind, his fingertips gently moving up your thigh before they reached where you needed him.

“Fuck,” you whispered as his fingers made it to your clit.

He rubbed slow circles, and you were finally starting to feel a little bit of the relief you needed. Once he added more pressure and rubbed faster, your hips were arching off the bed, your moans getting louder as he kissed down your body.

He replaced his fingers with his tongue, flicking it across your sensitive bundle of nerves before he licked fat stripes from your entrance to your clit. Your legs were tingling at that feeling alone, but once he sucked your clit into his mouth and slid two of his fingers inside your dripping pussy, you were fighting to keep your legs open for him.

He held eye contact with you as he angled his fingers just right, your brain getting cloudy as he worked you closer to your orgasm.

“Oh fuck,” you whimpered, the sound quickly becoming his new favorite as your hand ran through his curls.

The pads of his fingers pressed harder against that spongy spot inside you, your eyes fluttering closed as the coil in the pit of your stomach got tighter and tighter, so close to snapping. Once he hummed with your clit in his mouth, you felt the familiar white-hot feeling spread across your body, your thighs closing in around his head as you cried out.

He slowed his fingers a little as his mouth kept working on your clit, until you pulled away from the slight overstimulation he was giving you.

He slid his fingers out and sat up to look at you, the smile on his face showing how proud of himself he was for making you feel that good.

“I didn’t think you’d be bad at that, but I didn’t expect it to be that good,” you said, as your heavy breathing slowed.

“Well, after the head you gave me, I couldn’t disappoint you,” he said, as he moved back up to the bed to cuddle.

He laid his head on your chest as your fingers lazily ran through his curls. He wanted more, but he didn’t want to ask for it. He just wanted to be close to you at that moment. But once you asked if he had a condom, he sat up and leaned over you, reaching into the nightstand beside his bed.

Ethan moved so he was in between your legs again, sitting on his knees as he opened the condom and rolled it on. You stared at his size, a little nervous that it would hurt because he was definitely above average, and your jaw was still a little sore from sucking it, but you took a deep breath to relax before he slid his tip inside of you.

He only made it a few inches before he groaned, the tightness making his head spin.

“Your pussy is pulling me in right now,” he said, “You want it that bad, baby?”

“Yes,” you moaned, as he inched the rest of his cock inside you.

You winced a little at the burning feeling of him stretching you out, a concerned look on his face as he stared at you.

“I’m okay,” you said, “You can move.”

“You sure?” he asked, as he leaned down so his chest was pressed against yours.

“Please fuck me,” you said, before you leaned up a little, connecting your mouth to his.

He slowly slid in and out of you as you made out with him, your hands running along his bare back. Everything felt so sensual and intimate, and you swore you could feel the love radiating off him.

As he pulled away from the kiss, he softly bit your bottom lip before he sat back up on his knees, the position making it easier for him to go faster. His hands were all over you, from your legs to your chest, every touch feeling like fire against your skin.

Your bottom lip was in between your teeth, your eyebrows furrowing as he hit that spot every single time. He couldn’t take his eyes off you, a smirk playing on his lips as he thrusted faster.

“Oh my god,” you whimpered, “Feels so good.”

“You like it when I fuck your tight little pussy?” he asked, as you quickly nodded your head. “You’re taking it so well.”

Between his dirty talk and his praise, you felt your second orgasm of the night creeping up. Your hips were moving to meet his, your sounds getting louder as he kept his pace.

“I’m clo-“ was all you got out, before his hips slowed and he slid out of you. “Ethannn,” you whined, as he smiled and grabbed your hips to flip you over.

“It’s okay, baby. I’ll make you cum,” he said, as he adjusted you so your ass was sticking up in the air for him.

He gave it a smack before he slid back inside of you, a loud moan flying out of your mouth as he went faster than he had before. You were a whimpering mess, your brain turning to mush as he hit your g-spot over and over again.

Your hand snaked underneath you to rub circles on your clit as his hands tightly held your hips, pulling you back to meet every deep thrust me was giving you.

Your orgasm was right on the edge again as you tried to turn your thoughts into words, finally begging “Please don’t stop.”

You heard him grunting behind you as he kept his pace, your eyes rolling back as your entire body started to tingle.

“Cum for me,” he said, as you whimpered his name, that feeling crashing into you so hard that you felt dizzy.

Your pussy was clenching his cock so hard that he moaned out, his hips stuttering as pulled your hips back to meet his even faster.

“Gonna cum,” he rushed out, giving you a few more hard thrusts before his hips stilled.

He stayed inside of you as he caught his breath, his hand running through his sweaty hair as he smiled. Your back was still arched, your hand lazily gripping the sheets. If it wasn’t for the sight in front of him, he would’ve thought this was just a figment of his imagination. He never expected you to feel the same for him, but he was so happy that you did.

He slid out, a soft whine slipping past your lips at the empty feeling before you relaxed your hips, your body flatly laid on top of his bed. He ran his hand over your back before he leaned down, placing kisses along your shoulders and spine.

“That was amazing, babe,” you said, as he smirked against you.

“I agree,” he said, smiling as he thought about it. “Do you want to go shower? I want to cuddle, but I’m so sweaty right now.”

“Sure,” you said, as he sat up and slid off the side of his bed, before he helped you get off it.

Your legs were a little wobbly like you were taking your first steps as Ethan held onto you. He cracked open his bedroom door, listening to see if he heard anyone else in the apartment. It was silent aside from the game music still coming from the tv, but Ethan wanted to be safe.

“Chad?” he yelled, and once he didn’t get a response, he led you to the bathroom.

You leaned against the counter as he got the water temperature just right, before he walked back over to you. He held onto you as you stepped over the side of the tub before he got in, a goofy smile on his lips as he stared at you.

“How long have you had these feelings for me?” he questioned, as he grabbed the bottle of his shampoo and body wash combo off the shower rack.

You giggled to yourself as he cocked his eyebrow at you.

“A while,” you said, as he started to massage the soap into his hair. “I didn’t think you were interested in me.”

“I’ve been interested in you since the day I met you,” he admitted, as he grabbed his loofah.

You took it from his hand and put some of the body wash on it before you lathered it up and ran it across his chest.

“Why didn’t you say something?” you asked, as you maneuvered around him to wash his back.

“You make me nervous,” he said, chuckling softly. “Not in a bad way, though. You give me butterflies. And there were so many nights after we’d go out that I wanted to try to kiss you, but I was scared you wouldn’t want me to.”

He turned around to face you, a sweet smile on his lips as you stood on your tippy toes to kiss him.

“I’m happy you did tonight.”

After Ethan washed your body like you did his, you got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around yourself as Ethan wrapped his around his hips. You were so caught up in talking to each other when you walked out of the bathroom that you didn’t notice Chad walking down the hallway.

“Um,” he mumbled, as he turned around, his back facing you and Ethan as you both laughed. “I guess you told her how you feel?”

“Yep,” Ethan said, as Chad stood there, blocking the path you and Ethan needed to walk in to get back to his room. “Dude, are you going to stand there all night? I’m getting cold.”

“Sorry,” Chad said, as he stepped to the side for you and Ethan to pass him. “Congrats, by the way.”

“Thanks,” you responded, as you walked into Ethan’s room and closed the door behind you.

#ethan landry #ethan landry x reader #scream smut #ethan landry smut #smut

896 notes · View notes

heavenlyhischier · 1 year

Text

𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐥𝐨𝐰 | 𝐉𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐇𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐞𝐬

word count: 5.5k

summary: jack lets his frustrations get the better of him and says some things to you that leave you questioning everything.

warnings: angst (mostly), cursing, drinking, brief asshole!jack, if you see any editing mistakes lmk because i dont have any one beta read lmao

The quiet hum of the tv seeped into the kitchen as you put the dishes away, careful to not drop any of the fancy glassware you and Jack had used the night before. He had surprised you with a romantic dinner after your exhausting week at work, and you nearly burst into tears when you walked into his apartment last night. You had gone over to his place expecting to just fall asleep on his couch as he watched tv, but of course he had something even better, and so special, planned for the woman he loved.

You had met Jack a year and a half ago at the coffee shop that was not only right by your job, but also his apartment. The two of you had seen each other in passing several times before you actually found the confidence to approach him one day and ask him for his number. Even with Jack’s insane and tight schedule, he managed to make as much time for you as he could, and you were grateful for that. Outside of one person from work, Jack was really the only friend you had managed to make since you had moved to Jersey, and you were over the moon when you felt it shift onto a more romantic path.

Despite not living with him, you often found yourself alone in his apartment as you waited for him to come home from practice. You would offer to go back to your own place every time, but he insisted that you stay because seeing you was something that always made him feel better. At least, you thought it did.

“Hey, baby,” You called out as you heard the door shut behind you. Sitting up to drape your arm over the back of the couch, you look at him and frown. His brows were pulled together and his face had frustration written all over it, “You okay?”

“Fine,” He grumbled, roughly kicking his shoes off and slamming his keys on the entry table.

“Are you sure,” You asked, worry clearly evident in your voice. You knew how Jack could get when he was frustrated, and you wanted him to talk about it instead of bottling it up. You just wanted to help.

“I said I was fine,” He snapped, spitting out your name as if it was the most vile word he’s ever spoken.

“I’m sorry,” You weakly apologized, tears instantly brimming your eyes at his harsh tone, “I was just asking.”

“Trust me, I know. All you do is ask questions! You never fucking stop asking questions, so can you just stop talking for one god damn minute and let me breathe,” He yelled, face beet red and body taught as he hurled his nasty words at you, “Sometimes I wish you’d just leave me alone.”

Jack stormed away from the living room, footsteps echoing across his empty halls until the sound of his bedroom door slamming shut ripped through the entire apartment. In the year you’ve been dating, Jack has never, not once, spoken to you like that. Of course, you've had arguments before and sometimes the two of you would yell at the other in frustration, but this was something entirely different. This time, he threw some of your biggest relationship insecurities in your face, and now you were doubting everything you thought you knew.

Tears flowed down your cheeks as you let you out quiet sobs, your heart beating so loudly that it was all you could hear through the ringing in your ears. Your throat was dry as you tried to choke in as much air as you could, but it felt as if someone was wrapping their hands around your neck. Your hands grasped at the couch as you planted your feet on the floor, trying to ground and compose yourself. You were glancing around the room as if you were searching for something, anything, that was going to tell you that this was all a joke, and he wasn’t being serious. Yet, all you were met with was the ghost of Jack’s anger lingering at the door.

Wiping at your tear stained cheeks, you pushed yourself off the couch and neatly folded the blanket you had been using to cover your legs. You could hear the faint sound of a shower running, and a part of you wanted to follow the sound and join him, but all you could think about was what he had said to you. Does he really wish you’d just leave him alone? Had you been too overbearing? It’s what your last boyfriend had said about you right before he broke up with you, so maybe Jack was being honest.

The world spun around you as you walked towards the door, sliding your shoes on and grabbing your bag as quiet hiccups slipped through your lips. The pain bleeding from your chest made it difficult to breathe, and the knots twisting in your stomach were making you nauseous. Still, you pushed yourself to walk out of the door and dial the one of the few friends you had outside of Jack.

“Ryleigh?”

“I’m going to kill him,” Were the words that came out of Ryleigh’s mouth as soon as she pulled her door open and saw you standing there with red puffy cheeks and bloodshot eyes.

She pulled you into her chest, wrapping her arms around you as sobs, once again, shook your entire body. Your keys and phone fell to the floor as you clung to the woman in front of you, her hands rubbing soothing circles on your back as she carefully guided you to her couch. The New Jersey air was frigid, and all you had been wearing was a thin sweater and shorts, so Ryleigh bundled you up as best as she could while she comforted you. She didn’t even have to ask you what had happened before you began recounting the events that had only just occurred.

“Am I too much,” You cried as you focused on steadying your breathing.

“Of course not, honey,” She consoled, eyes darting to where you were assuming Dawson had been standing. You had heard him coming when you started telling Ryleigh what happened, but he had yet to make his presence known. “He was just having a bad day, and while that doesn’t excuse his terrible behavior, it does mean that you did nothing wrong. He just doesn’t know how to control his anger and that isn’t your fault.”

You weakly nodded, the sounds of Dawson’s feet padding across his floor cutting through the tension around you. You glanced over at him as he stopped in front of the door, bending over to pick up your phone that had been vibrating against the wooden floor. His face slightly hardened when he read the name on your phone, and you felt your stomach drop.

“It’s Jack,” He flipped the screen towards you, “Want me to answer it?”

“Tell him I don’t want to see him right now,” Was all you were able to get out before you felt the air catching in your throat again.

“No, it’s Dawson. She’s at my place with Ryleigh, but she said she doesn’t want to see you. Because you were a fucking dick to her, Jack. No, shut up and listen to me. I get you’re frustrated right now, but you never take that out on your significant other. Especially not the way you did. You take that shit out on the ice during games or even practice, but you never take it out on her.

“She’ll talk to you when she’s ready, and you better not try and come over here because I won’t stop Ryleigh from hitting you. Now, you better come up with a damn good apology and I will see you at practice.”

Ryleigh held you as you listened to her boyfriend talk to the one man you’d thought never hurt you the way that he did. Doubts clouded your thoughts as you began to let yourself wonder if Jack even wanted to be with you anymore; if he even wanted to be in the first place. He knew better than anyone that the way your previous boyfriend had left you completely shattered you, and for him to insinuate that he felt the same was enough to leave you questioning everything.

You had decided to go back to your own apartment the following morning after Dawson let you crash at his place despite Ryleigh’s insistence to stay there. With the promise to call her if you needed her or anything and one last bone crushing hug from both members of the couple, you headed to your own home. Dawson had turned your phone off after his phone call with your boyfriend, and you had yet to turn it back on because you feared what would greet you once you had. Maybe Jack went against his teammates request and sent you messages and left you voicemails. Or maybe he had listened and hadn’t tried to contact you at all. You’re not sure what you’d prefer at the moment.

Pushing the door to your apartment, you were half hoping to see Jack already in there waiting for you since he had a key, but you were met with an empty, half-cleaned apartment. You briefly paused in your doorway, eyes welling with tears as you let yourself remember everything that happened. Hanging your keys up on its rightful hook and slipping your shoes off, you beelined to your bathroom to take a shower. You felt dirty and thought that maybe a shower would help calm you down, and it did. Until you finally turned your phone back on.

17 missed call from Jack <3

34 unread messages from Jack <3

Your breathing faltered, finger hovering over the notifications as you debated on whether or not to read his texts or not. Ryleigh had made sure to reiterate that just because he tries to apologize to you, doesn’t mean you have to forgive him unless you’re ready to. Clicking on his texts, you skimmed over them and grew angry as you realized the majority of them were just half-assed excuses and only three of them held any sort of apology. Despite the seething fury coursing through your veins, you decided to be mature in your response.

To: Jack<3

I’m not ready to talk to you. You threw some of my biggest insecurities in my face because you were mad, and that’s not ever going to be okay. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to discuss this with you. Good luck at your game tomorrow.

His response was almost instant.

From: Jack<3

I know it wasn’t okay, baby. I’m sorry. I know that there’s no excuse for what I said. I’m stressed out and I took that out on you. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.

Are you not going to come to the game?

To: Jack<3

I don’t think I’m going to be up for it, but we’ll see.

Even before you and Jack had officially started dating, you’d never missed one of his home games. You had always been there sitting wherever he could get you a seat, cheering the team on no matter how they were performing. Jack was convinced your presence made him play better, so you had vowed to make an appearance at as many games as you could, but you weren’t sure you wanted to be there for him tomorrow night.

The rest of the day, Jack hadn't texted you after his last response, and a part of you was grateful. It gave you time to think everything over and gather your own thoughts on the whole situation. Of course you didn’t want to break up with him, but you also didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who felt like your affection was overbearing. After your last boyfriend, you promised yourself that you would have more self respect than that.

You decided to not attend the game the following night, but you did text Jack wishing him a good game and that you would still be cheering him on. He didn’t respond, so you weren’t sure if he had time to read it or not. Ryleigh and Brooke had both texted you asking where you were, and then asked if you would be up to going out after the game. Actually, Ryleigh didn’t give you a choice in the matter. She told you that her, Brooke, and a few of the other girls would be by as soon as the game was over to pick you up.

Knowing that with the combination of both Ryleigh and Brooke there would be no use in arguing, you started to get ready whenever you knew the third period was just over halfway finished. You hadn’t asked the girls if the guys were going to be wherever you ended up, and truthfully, you didn’t want to know. To you, knowing that Jack would be there is a great contrast to hopefully assuming he won’t be.

The bar was buzzing with life as soon as the four of you arrived, pushing through the sweaty bodies to get to the areas of booths you normally sat in. Kristyna ordered everyone a round of shots before falling into conversation with the rest of you. Your nerves slowly dissipated as you let yourself enjoy the moment instead of focusing on the state of your relationship. Laughter filled the booth as Brooke retold a story you’d heard a dozen times before, but it was still as funny as it was the first time you’d heard it. Loud cheers erupted at the front of the bar, and you couldn’t help but let your gaze flit towards the commotion. Your heart fell to your stomach when you saw Jack trailing behind his teammates as they politely greeted their fans.

“Shit,” Ryleigh mumbled, gently grabbing your hand, “Dawson said he wasn’t coming, I'm so sorry.”

Tearing your eyes away from the man you loved more than anything, you met her sympathetic stare and gave her a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, Ry. I can’t avoid him forever.”

Jack found you as soon as he’d walked in the door; he always did no matter where you were. He watched as your hand shyly covered your mouth as you laughed, a habit of yours he was doing his best to break. You hated the way you looked when you let yourself genuinely laugh, but to Jack? He thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world and it was a crime for you to hide your beauty. He was startled back to reality when someone clapped him on the back, congratulating him on the team's win tonight.

Your heart beat loudly in your best as you chewed on your bottom lip, waiting for the boys to reach the booth. There was an open spot next to you, and you knew that Jack was going to take that spot even if he had to move someone to do so. You were doing your best to not let yourself glance in their direction, choosing to focus on the loose thread at the bottom of your dress instead as you tried to gather your nerves. It wasn’t until you felt the dip in the leather next to you that you knew there was no containing the anxiety budding inside you.

“Hi,” Jack’s voice was hesitant and nervous, his hand instinctively reaching for your own, but it quickly retreated back to his side. He didn’t want to push any boundaries you had laid out.

“Hi,” You breathed out, letting yourself meet his gaze. You were hyper aware of the several pairs of eyes that kept glancing at the two of you, but you were opting to ignore them for now. You were only focusing on him.

He had guilt swimming in his eyes, and you wanted nothing more than to pull him into you so that you could feel his warm embrace again. Every nerve in your body ached for him, but the sensible part of you couldn’t let yourself give in that easily. If he wanted you to forgive him, he was going to have to work for it.

“How are you,” He asked, eyes dragging along your scantily clothed body.

“Uh I- I’m okay. Been better,” You inwardly cringed at how awkward it was between the two of you. Things weren’t even this weird the first time you went out with him.

“Me too. Played like absolute shit tonight,” He darkly chuckled, turning his gaze to the ground in front of him as his jaw clenched.

“Jack,” You sighed as you placed a gentle hand on his bicep. His head snapped back towards you, eyes wide with surprise at the physical gesture, “It’s just one game. It doesn’t change anything. Besides, you guys still won.”

He swallowed thickly, eyes unwavering from your own as he managed a simple nod in response. You didn’t miss the way his focus flicked down to your lips, but you chose to act as if it never happened and avert your attention back to the group in front of you. You slid your hand down the length of his arm, taking his hand in your own as a way to comfort not only him, but yourself. Despite everything, his touch still brought you a sense of ease, and in a place full of people, you needed all you could get.

After a couple hours of laughter, playful arguing, and copious amounts of alcohol consumed by your friends, Jack could tell that you were beginning to get tired. While you decided to not join in on some rounds of the shots, you had still drank enough to make your cheeks warm and eyes glossy. Your eyes were slowly drooping, your head lolling onto the back of the booth as your focus on the group began to dwindle.

“Hey,” He delicately squeezed the exposed skin on your thigh, “You getting tired?”

You opened your eyes just enough to see him through your lashes, letting out a quiet hum and a small nod. He couldn’t help but stop to admire the way you looked. Your hair was splayed across the leather behind you, your lips parted as you let shaky breaths pass through them, and your bottom lip swollen and red from your teeth biting at it.

“Do you, um- Do you want me to take you home,” He nervously asked, not sure if you would want to be around him when it was just the two of you. He’s still painfully aware of the hurt he’s caused you, and he hasn't had the chance to make it right yet.

“Please,” You mumbled, forcing a small smile on your face as you tossed him another lazy look.

Slightly leaning forward, he placed a tender kiss on your forehead before telling you he was going to let Ryleigh know he was taking you home. Jack knew the woman wasn’t his biggest fan at the moment, but he also knew that if he didn’t tell her that you were leaving, that he would never hear the end of it. Ryleigh, and Brooke, had said some choice words to the man in front of her, but ultimately chose to let him go with the promise that he would text her when you were home safely.

Your eyes were closed when Jack returned back to you, your shoulders slowly rising and falling with each passing breath. He shook his head in amusement before gently shaking your body, trying to wake you without startling you too much. You stirred just enough to peek at him through the small slit in your eye, and he had that dumb, endearing smile on his face that made you playfully roll your eyes at him.

You held onto his arm as he led you out of the bar and out to his car, letting him help you into the passenger seat. Nerves were burning through your skin, the realization that you would be alone with him for the first time since the incident slowly settling in as he walked around the front of the car. The alcohol still circulating through your system is the only reason you’re not full blown panicking. Though even then, your mind was running with anxious thoughts.

The drive was silent, only the quiet melody of the radio filling the empty space as Jack drove to your apartment. He knew that taking you back to his own was likely to make you panic, and he didn’t want you to feel like he was cornering you. You were quiet, doing your best to keep your eyes open as you watched the New Jersey nightlife pass by through the window.

Jack pulled into the parking garage, his car finding the spot that he claims as his own whenever he ended up at your place. You barely had time to unbuckle your seatbelt by the time he was opening the door, hand extended towards you to help you out of the car. You swallowed the lump in your throat and took his hand, stepping out of the car and into the empty garage.

As Jack led you up to your apartment, all he could think about was the look on your face when he yelled at you. It was a look of complete, and utter hurt that was still lingering every time you looked at him. The ache that he felt when he realized the true nature of his actions was so excruciatingly painful that he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Jack had promised you, and himself, that he would never hurt you the way you had been hurt before, and he had broken that promise.

You were so tired that you were half asleep by the time that Jack was pushing into your apartment, making sure to lock it behind him. He guided you into the bathroom, helping you take your makeup off before retreating to your bedroom to find you a t-shirt to sleep in. When he pulled the middle dresser drawer open, he couldn’t stop the guilt from spreading in his chest when he saw more of his shirts than of your own.

Knocking gently on the bathroom door, he cracked it open and passed the shirt through the slit. He’s seen you naked more times than he could count, but he was still aware enough to know that you more than likely didn’t want his help. When you were changed, you slowly opened the door and followed Jack to your bedroom.

Your heart was racing a mile a minute, nerves winding through your veins the longer the two of you went without addressing the massive elephant in the room. The longer he went without saying anything about it, the more your insecurities began to weave their way in and thoughts of the worst possibilities filled your mind. However, it became clear that he wasn’t going to say anything when he had turned to leave your room once you were settled in your bed.

“Jack,” You hastily called out, reaching for his arm before he could walk out of your room, “Do you not love me anymore?”

Your voice was so weak and small, cracking as you asked Jack a question that tore his heart out of his chest. He thought he was hurting before, but that feeling was nothing compared to the feeling that was now sinking in his stomach. The worst part is, he knows that he did it to himself. He’s the cause of his own heartache because he’s the one that hurt you. He is the one that burned your relationship to the ground.

The silence that hung in the air made you want to throw up and tears prick the corners of your eyes as you assumed the worst. That Jack was trying to find a way to tell you that no, he didn’t love you anymore. You were silently cursing yourself for even asking the question knowing that you might not have wanted the answer. Yet, the alcohol that was still swimming through your veins gave you courage that you didn’t ask for.

You dropped his arm and pulled your blanket over your face, trying to put some sort of wall between you and Jack as he stood there. You didn’t want him to see the way his silence affected you, tears spilling down your cheeks and lips wobbling as you tried to stay quiet.

The mattress dipped beside you, Jack’s hand carefully searching for the end of the blanket in the darkness of your room. Your heart raced in both anticipation and panic, not knowing what exactly was going to happen with your relationship. His hand finally gripped the blanket to pull it off your face, and you immediately squeezed your eyes closed. You didn’t want to see his face when he told you he didn’t want you anymore.

“Hey,” He whispered, hand hovering over your cheek, not sure if touching you would be okay, “Look at me, baby.”

Keeping your eyes screwed shut, you shook your head as you blindly tried to take the blanket back from him, but his grip was firm. You gave up on trying to win the blanket back and rolled onto your side, burying your face into the mattress. You wished he would just get it over with; that he would just tell you that he was leaving you so that you could grieve in peace.

“I do love you,” His voice shook as if he was trying to keep himself from crying, “I love you more than I ever thought I could ever love anyone, and I am so sorry that I hurt you. Nothing can ever take back what I said to you, but it wasn’t true. Not even close.”

A mangled, choked back sob slipped through your lips because, even though he told you he loves you, you didn’t believe a word that came out of his mouth. No matter how badly you had wanted to hear him finally tell you that he didn’t mean what he said, you still didn’t believe him.

“Baby, please,” He pleaded, every nerve in his body yearning to pull you close to him, “Please look at me.”

“I can’t,” You cried, clutching at the sheet to keep yourself from turning towards him.

“Why,” His voice was thick with emotion, his leg nervously bouncing up and down as he dug his fingernails into his palms.

“Because I don’t believe you.”

You had begged Jack to leave your room after that, your chest aching so much that it felt as if it was going to cave in on itself. Your emotions were running amuck, seemingly out of your control as you let out gut wrenching sobs. You hated that you didn’t believe him because you so badly wanted to. Your heart was screaming at you to believe him, but your tainted brain was telling you it was a bad idea.

The next morning, you woke up with a dull ache in your head just behind your eyes. The memories of what happened last night on replay in your head. You were running through it all over again, thoughts of what you should have done making you nauseous. You regretted pushing Jack away so easily, but you credited the alcohol you had consumed that night for clouding your judgment. If you had been more in control of your emotions, you’re certain that the conversation would have gone much differently.

Slipping out of your bed, you rubbed at your tired eyes and walked into your living room. You halted in the doorway when you saw Jack, still in his clothes from last night, sprawled out across the couch. While you had hoped that he was still here, you didn’t actually expect him to be.

Quietly approaching the sleeping boy, you couldn’t help but take a moment to admire his peaceful features. His lips were slightly parted as he let out quiet snores, a habit you had grown to find quite endearing. His cheeks were slightly swollen, presumably from crying, and you’re positive yours look the same, if not much worse.

“Jack,” You gently spoke, shaking his shoulders in an attempt to wake him, “Jack, wake up.”

He abruptly sprang off the couch, head knocking into yours. You let out a string of obscene words, your hand flying to rub at the spot on your forehead as you backed away from the couch. Jack was instantly jumping over the couch, apologies tumbling out of his mouth so quickly that you could barely understand him.

“Fuck,” He breathed out when he saw the red spot on your forehead, “I’m so sorry, baby. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” You winced as his fingers brushed across the skin, “It’s okay. It was an accident. I was just trying to wake you up so we could talk.”

His fingers froze in their place, his breathing stuttering before he let out an aggressive nod. You held your hand out towards the couch, silently urging him to sit down. You followed right behind him, falling onto the cushion directly next to him. Jack noticed the way the goosebumps rose on your skin from the cold, and he was quick to grab the blanket from behind him and drape it over your legs.

“Thank you,” You mumbled, mouth drying as you tried to gather your thoughts, “I, um- Fuck. I wanted to say I’m sorry for pushing you away last night. I was a little too drunk to have that conversation last night, but I do want to give you the chance to talk.”

“Yeah, okay,” He rushed out, hands nervously gripping at his thighs, “Thank you. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say. No apology can ever make what I said okay, but the one thing I do know, is that I didn’t mean it. And I don’t want to lose you. Well, I guess that’s two things.”

Pursing your lips, you looked away from and down to your clasped hands as you tried to hide the slight smile on your face as he began to ramble. You knew he was nervous, you were too, and you knew he would always veer off topic whenever he would get slightly overwhelmed with what was going on around him. However cute you may find it in daily situations, this wasn’t the time for it, so you carefully took one of his hands in your own, bringing his attention back to you.

His eyes flash over to yours, wide with surprise as the words slowly disappear from his lips. He tightened his hold on you as if he was scared you were going to run away, but you didn’t mind it. You gave him an encouraging squeeze so he would keep going.

“Sorry,” He lightly laughed, “I am sorry. I know I said no apology would make it better, and it still won’t, but I am so sorry. I got so far into my head and let the things people, and the league, were saying get to me. I let my anger and frustrations out in the worst way possible, and I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you.”

He sucked in a sharp breath of air, rapidly blinking his eyes as tears started to fall before he continued, “I can’t get the image of your face after I yelled at you out of my head. I never want to do that to you again, and I hate the fact that I did it in the first place. I just- I’m just so fucking sorry. I fucked up so bad and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose you.”

Jack’s voice cracked near the end, a broken sob echoing throughout your apartment. You’d been doing a good job at keeping your own tears at bay, but the second you heard his voice break, there was no holding them back.

“You haven’t lost me,” You managed to get out through your own cries, “I’m not saying this hasn’t damaged us in some way, but I am saying that it is repairable. We can fix it, if that’s what you want.”

“Yes,” He shamelessly blurted out, “Yes. I do. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you. You’re everything to me, and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you, okay? You are a beacon to me, and I can’t imagine my life with you.”

The two of you stared at each other, letting yourselves grasp onto the fact that there was still hope for happiness. That, despite the damage he unintentionally caused, your relationship wasn’t doomed for failure. While what used to be your relationship had been burned down, the two of you were going to emerge from the flames into something better entirely.

Jack’s free hand hesitantly cupped your cheeks as he asked, “You’re still mine?”

“Baby, I will always be yours.”

#jack hughes #jack hughes imagine #jack hughes x reader #nhl #nhl imagine #hockey imagine #njd #new jersey devils

1K notes · View notes