#thats something i need to fix about myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

molochka-koshka · 6 months

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Very small vent then I'll get back to normal i promise

#but it blows my mind that israel can bomb christian churches and christians will still ride israels gross dick #like is it because theyre orthodox churches? does that make it okay?#I'll probably delete this later but sometimes I do see people on my fyp that I'm like #are yall seeing the same news as me? like what is your problem? are you pretending to be christian or something?#or do you just hate orthodox christians?#or more realistically do you just hate arab christians #i know im supposed to be nicer and have more grace for people during lent so saying kys isnt appropriate #even if its my gut reaction #thats something i need to fix about myself #but genuinely I pray that people like that stop being evil

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uygfiug · 2 months

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thought my school was finally going to try & help me next year but it sounds like theyre just trying to get me to act normal without actually helping

#idk it all sounds very familiar #i have to 'prove i can do things i dont want to do' and theyre going to help me 'fix my behaviour bc uni wont tolerate it'#but the behaviour they mean is just me being disabled #its about how i freeze up sometimes i think #and i cannot bring myself to do whatever im supposed to #sometimes i cant even move or speak #thats the behaviour they mean #but i cant just make that go away #ive been trying all my fucking life #also??? i go to school every fucking day?? does that not count as proving i can do things i dont want to do #surely they dont think i want to be there #idk man this is exactly the kinda stuff they said in primary school before they started punishing me for being disabled #like giving me extra work bc i froze or something #or send me away to work alone in a room & not talk to any of my peers bc i didnt manage to talk to the teacher #force me to make eyecontact for a full 10 minutes while giving me a lecture about why eyecontact is so important #or not allow me to go outside for breaks #that kinda stuff #it sounds like they have the same idea?#so im very worried about going back to school in september #they were supposed to attempt to help more this year as well but outside of one thing they didnt really do anything #and now they want to 'be more firm about it' ????#i dont trust that #mine #also !! ive been getting told all my life that whatever the next stage is they wont tolerate my behaviour there #in primary they said id never get past first year in secondary #in secondary they say i wont get through uni this way #seems to me that really its fine #yeah i need help sometimes #but also i could probably go to uni & itll be fine #ill have my diagnosis & ill figure out who i need to talk to & how i can get the help i need

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detectiveneve · 1 year

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I kind of want to just restart emrys so I can play her again more perfectly this time... kill even MORE fiends and such. but also I speedran grymforge a bit & the thing is that. emrys rolls up to moonrise towers already have a deep-seated and intense paladin-specific beef with ketheric. babygirl heard that he was 1. an evil paladin 2. broke his paladin vow to TWO gods prior 3. was like That and decided Actually, I'm going to project All of my own personal issues and insecurities onto you. And then I'm going to kill you. and then she still offered to spare him. so I need the buildup to that from grymforge. you see.

#you understand.#one thing that emrys will do is have extremeeeely specific problems in regards to needing to be the Best Paladin In The Room #<- she is abnormal. she has a lot of problems.#Ketheric is such a ... dark twisted mirror / I can see myself in you / I do not /want/ to see myself in you.#of course she resents his crimes but more than that she resents what she Sees in him that she feels is also in her self #there's something ugly in you thats also in me etc etc #so. this beef NEEDS BUILDUP.#(alternatively: she latched onto Dame Aylin almost immediately as a figure of holy righteousness and divinity that she craves for herself)#(if Ketheric is close to what she COULD be at her worst; Dame Aylin is suuch a. Being You Could Fix Me. moment for her)#(also objectively not normal but very funny. ah yes I know what will make me a better object and sword for Tyr. if I was nothing but a #channel for divine righteousness greater than myself. not even a person just a violent weapon made to STRIKE.)#(and she can never be so close to the divine + never be such a weapon but she sure does TRY.)#(OF WHICH dame aylin is not either; but she IS a blinding light in the dark & Ough. the complexes that inspires.)#Anyways.... the NPCs we latch onto as the narrative parallel / reference for our Tav PC huh. Yeah!#act 2 is just... it gave me SOOOO much for her. Shadowheart/Ketheric/Aylin in different measures for different reasons #Orin. she's weird about but for different reasons. In that orin's fanaticism and madness kind of #tickles a part of her that wants. very desperately. to smite down the most obvious of evils in 1v1 combat #which is a violence that once again! comes uncomfortably close to the fanaticism of Ketheric + Orin + their own propensity for god-driven #violence & horror. as it is and such.

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keroronpa · 2 months

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its getting bad again but i persist

#having the feeling of deleting all my social media and talking to no one ever again #i know i shouldnt isolate myself but its so . So tempting #to be left alone. rotting carcass on the side of the road you know what im saying #i do not know why i feel the need to punish myself so often when i feel happy #i keep having what i think is intrusive thoughts #but could also definitely be just normal frequent thoughts of self harm because it doesnt scare me as much #but like . Idk #there is something so fundamentally wrong with me #i think the only way to fix myself would be to ***** my **** *** with * *****#but then again those are just thoughts #and not actions #so i continue on #if youre reading this dont worry about me btw sorry i just need to push this somewhere cause i dont feel safe on twitter anymore #that one img thats like they should invent a type of kitchen knife that doesnt whisper things to you

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softshuji · 9 months

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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

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moonlit-orchid · 5 months

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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post

Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight

#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine #and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao #am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now #I'm just questioning something about someone #sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot #even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in #i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again #it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much #maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now #i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something #i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore #okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight #mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red #alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages #(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)

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epicdogymoment · 1 year

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another night of me demonstrating my incredibly healthy relationship with my own emotions

#leologisms #coping with being upset over something someone else did by 'rationalizing' away my emotions. if IM upset about something someone else did #then thats MY fault and MY problem to deal with. why should they have to deal with the consequences of MY lack of control over my feelings.#shifting the blame wholly onto myself and then invalidating my own emotions. because if i acknowledge that they HAVE hurt me then ill drive #myself crazy over never getting the emotional closure that i need from them. over something stupid and ultimately inconsequential.#so so afraid of being left wanting that id rather shove the problem under the bed and let it fester and rot and attract flies #than actually try and fix it.

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maxthesillyy · 1 year

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being autistic sucks because instead of getting really pissed off over normal things, i get really pissed off over other people’s (incorrect) opinions on fictional characters

#i need to go to sleep #its like. its normal for people to see a post about. like. politics or whatever. and get mad at it—#and then theyre allowed to do something about it. because its normal stuff that people care about #but when i see a post about my blorbos thats just. wrong. i cant do anything about it #and i know theres nothing ‘wrong’ about it. im just weird and cant get over it for the next few months. and i cant even do anything about i #or talk myself out of it— because it’s irrational. people are allowed to have their opinions just like i do. but knowing that doesnt fix it #anyways. should i tag this as a rant or smth????

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gilfrespecter · 2 years

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I miss my echo so fucking much whenever I get "this day x time ago" I have to like. Stop myself from crying. Especially the interior shots god it was beautiful

#i need a car and this is what the bad credit dealer has that i can afford right now #piggy too but thats to be expected #i put so much fucking work into that car. not alot of money just alot of time and care #it speaks #it was beautiful #i cant wait till i pay off my spark so i can sell it and get an older prius or a baja maybe or something. just outright no payments #i hate my spark so much which i feel bad about bc like. its a good car #i abuse the hell out of it and knock on wood it gives me no trouble #but its completely uncustomizable its minorly uncomfortable and i cant fix it myself easily #its an car #i do need to go get the thermostat&ac fixed soon but Nushki's yearly vet stuff totalling to over $500 was. unexpected at best.#its a korean plant chevy so its not that bad. and i do like cruise control ALOT #i just miss my echo and i think it really never had a chance bc of how much i miss my echo

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makedamnsvre · 2 years

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uhm

#also i need to put it somehwere because im still scared and angry and shaking and nauseous but i think i have realized i have #a really weird stupid trauma thats probbaly idnt at all and that it is why im so weird about . that #and realizing that for years now its been like ive been completely unintentionally unknowingly self harming without even realizing #because it never registered as that just as an accident or regret and would leave me feeling nauseous and gross and just this #inexplicable but strong Bad Feeling like #everything was bad and realizing that ive thought this whole time i dontreally have intrusive thoughts but i do but theyre just of #this one very very specific topic and its upsetting its so upsetting it disgusts me so much #but uhm whatever i guess. i guess i should ask my counselor about it because oh god this is bad #discovering this like over a decade deep rooted trauma it feels like discovering i have like a horrible instense lethal illness #thats been festering for over a decade #but it makes so much sense like something that id been so sensitive and weird about for a decade for no apparent reason but #like the reason is a huge glaring light but i just never realized #and i dont even know if what set me off is real if i just imagined it or something i just feel out of it i feel so bad and i kindof hate my #myself i just dont knwowhat to do #i dont know how . to bring it up to fix it because i feel so scared and ashamed aout it

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laikahh · 3 months

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youreaddictedtolonelinessand desperationitsthestrongestemotionyouveeverknownsoyoursubconscioustellsyouthatitsyourdestiny.com/careers

#sighh. class reunion done #the group i clung to as not to go insane from a lack of social interaction was there. i awkwardly stood next to them like i used to #i saw a window of opportunity to get away without it being (too) awkward so i took it. i hate myself so much its unreal #i want to think im normal and capable of social interaction but im? not?#& this isnt me being edgy its just the truth!!! there is something deeply wrong with me. & everyone can tell. & i dont know how to fix it #i need to get really good at Something. make myself useful so that people would want to be around me because of that at least #like bocchi! i have a bass guitar. i should learn to play it it would be fun. maybe someone cool will need a bass player at some point #SIGHH. well at least i have my tumblr blog.#it means a lot to me when u guys interact with me sometimes. and im sorry my responses are always really dry #its not that im uninterested in whatever youre saying my social skills are just very rusty.#im not saying this to like guilt people into interacting w me btw im just. emotional. thank you for being nice to me 🐺💕#anyway . my mother always tells me i will find people who i will like and who will like me back. and i still havent given up hope #that thisll happen !!! maybe in university. but probably not. but maybe it will !!!#ill learn to play bass and walk around w it alll the time . music people are usually nice? or like weird too at least #umm. okay i think ive lost the plot a little bit #sorry for the constant self pity on the dash i promise im not fishing for attention. i just dont really have anyone to talk to #i think i should be alone with my thoughts for a little bit now. logging off!#may post a bit about madoka if i feel like watching the last 3 episodes after i take a bath. but thats all ill allow myself after this #voidcore.txt

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transmogrified-in-the-void · 3 months

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I'm fine for the most part, but any time someone is like "I've had some things on my mind when can we meet up" and it's not then immediately confirming if it's something I did or not is the worst kind of anxiety.

#i know i also need to get out of the habit of 'if its me what do i need to change about myself to fix it' but like. thats been there for #over half my life and idk what to do abt it. also how do you ask 'is this abt something i did' and it NOT feel like a trap???? how????#im just scared i already fucked this up....

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smilingberryy · 4 months

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Animate,,, s oon,,,,,,,,,

#so many things all back to back good things of course!! but Ouhg #I needs a break to where I can sit and work on stuff now that I'll have time #that or this could be part of the fact I stayed up till 6am playing videogames #also I keep thinking about how I wanna “”clean up“” my blog by having it to where I had mainly posted my art here again #and anything generally relevant but at the same time I look at myself and go “why???I love rebloging stuff I like and thats like a key #function to engagement on tumblr. Plus if I were to do that I'd end up making a reblog blog and that'll just be too much to do all for rbs #when what Im doing rn is perfectly fine“#to which I then say back to myself “thats very true HOWEVE” this will pass #also this is prolly how Im just gonna ramble on here have something funny as text then ramble in tags #the one place I can refuse to fix my spelling and grammer for the fun of it/j #smiles speaks

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somefisher · 4 months

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Im gonna throw up im sick of feeling awful all the time

#dont want this to become a vent accoutn but i dont like venting on servers 😭#anyway i cant tell whats wrong with me. i dont even know if this is even depression i think i just really hate myself guys #because ive been depressed my whole life and i know what that feels like? maybe its a different kind. i got depression v2.0 #but what do i even do about hating myself . like how do i even fix that.#i get mad at myself for not doing anything and then i actually accomplish something and im like. you didnt do it well enough? hello #i think one of my biggest current problems is that i dont like anything. like nothing is enjoyable to me anymore enough to commit to it #but i dont have anything else to do right now so im just sitting around wasting away and starting things but not finishing them #like what am i supposed to do. im not unhappy all the time but nothing is fun im just existing #i was joking but maybe I actually did unlock depression 2 #which is another problem because none of my mental illnesses have ever been treated in a helpful way in my entire life #and i have some kind of if not multiple undiagnosed neurodivergences definitely. but im scared to try and get them diagnosed #because the last time i did i got told it was anxiety (IT WAS NOT I DONT HAVE ANXIETY ANYMORE AND I STILL HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS)#and i cant even get anything done because i need help to do anything!#i feel so useless i cant do anything on my own because i just dont care enough id rather just like. sit here and die i guess #like im not even close to being s******* i know what thats like and its so much worse. thats part of why i feel so bad im not even that SAD #i just dont care. i think ssris fucked up my brain can i be real #oughh whatever. rant over back to playing pokemon #vent #talking #can i get an emotion. please one spare emotion #reading all of this back i truly think i just need to be pit on stimulants. but how do i get there i dont even have a psych rn...

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toastsnaffler · 4 months

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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of #last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year #but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going #i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year #i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh #im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is #so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that #i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up #and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm #man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it #and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps #like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real #and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn #ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it #and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually #but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm #ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by #ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit #ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway #okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries #maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then

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yelloworangesoda · 5 months

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i hate the food situation at my house so much for the love of god. theres only so many times a man can eat ramen with nothing or tuna with nothing

#theres no fucking. ingredients. theres nothing to add. i used to walk around my kitchen trying to look up stuff to make with what we had but #it required like. an onion. an egg. a spice. a vegetable. and we dont have that #and something about me. idk what it is idk if its me or my dads fault but i cant ask for it. i cant. i think part of it is bc i need the #ingredient for my one thing and then. it goes bad and its my fault and i feel bad #i hate my food situation so much. my dad makes this food in the microwave that he knows i dont like or eat. but if i make something else he #gets offended like thats not fair #and i feel bad for complaining bc i should just get a job and buy my own food but im not gonna do that bc im not gonna get a job.#i have trust fund money. like a decent amount from when i was hit buy a car #i should move out of state like right now. and live off that and when it runs out. ill just lay in the street i guess. i hate my life so #much guys its not funny. idk what to do. theres no fixing this theres nothing i want to do and nobody can help me bc theres no solution #everyone ignores it bc theres no solution to my problem. im never gonna be happy. its never gonna be worth it #nobody wants to tell me thats life suck it up or die bc they know id rather die by a mile. im so embarrassed of my stupid life im such a #failure. i want to kill myself bc i dont want to work like how pathetic is that. thats so stupid. i dont really say it to my parents bc they #would just laugh at me. or yell at me. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. i find myself hoping i get in a car accident and die #anytime i go out. i hope i dont wake up in the morning. i hope something bad happens and its not my fault so i dont get the blame i just get #the benifit of not having to do this anymore #god thats so. dark. its how i feel.#its getting to the point where i dont feel like i should say im not gonna kill myself at the end of these. im still not yet. but it feels #like a yet situation. like its gonna get to the point where i start trying again.#im still not there yet though. please dont… well idk what happens so suicidal adults. call the police on me. my methods arent any more #refined than they were when i was 14 trying to drink. nail polish.#simons spouting #vent :(#suicide //

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