#but genuinely I pray that people like that stop being evil

[molochka-koshka]

Very small vent then I'll get back to normal i promise

[arandomdai]

Persephone Lost Herself To Marriage

⚠️ Warning: I'm just saying my opinions (and theories) like everyone else. So put your tin foil hats on, it's going to be a LONG read. Enjoy!!!⚠️

• The Realization

This was/is a cry for help. She's finally admitted something that we (some of us) already noticed. The fact that she's so worried about her blue corpse of a man's feelings, while in denial about killing hundreds if not thousands of mortals in seconds...is nasty work. Like okay you don't know yourself, good we are getting somewhere. But are you willing to change your ways like finally admitting that your Mom was right, Minthe was right (about you and your man), Zeus was right (where he says they didn't know each other long), finally realize your selfish and a murderer, etc. Like I wanna see the change, not this boohoo act. And speaking of Demeter, she is a little bit at fault for why Persephone acts like this. If she would've told her about being a FG, teach her how to defend herself, help her control her powers or help make her own decisions, none of this wouldn't happen. Now Persephone (this her own fault here)is trapped with guilt, a blu gru, and a whole population of shades coming in. Once this is over, I pray to God that she wakes up, and leave that man, live in the mortal realm, and hopefully come to terms/works on herself to know who she is because her being a Queen is not one of them.

•Hades Is Her Downfall

This man never loved her. He wanted to sleep with her knowing he had a girlfriend (Minthe at the time) and when she was only 19 years old !!!(smdh 🤢😒), somehow he shows up in her nightmare saying, "I Know That I Can Smell Your Ambitions As They Rot At Your Feet.", he didn't let Persephone tell him what happened, lies about everything, disrespects Demeter, never gave Thanatos a real apology, never actually going to therapy, etc, need I say more? This man genuinely hates powerful women. He sabotaged Demeter's right to rule the mortal realm, gets angry when women stand up for themselves, preys on the vulnerable and young, dangles money over them, had an affair with Hera behind his brothers back, etc, and Persephone still thinks he's husband material... chile. Like how come she doesn't see those horrible qualities and notice that he brings out the worst in her? Real men don't treat women like this. To be fair, that first genocide she caused was all her fault, like yes they were playing in her face, but she didn't need to start killing people. But you know what she did, she was willing to help the shades get into the Underworld (and he was mad about that 😒). Now we're on to our second genocide, and this man was the cause of this as well (mostly her fault but still). The fact he said "I can't stop her from trying." Like yes you can Blunocchio 🙄. I'm so tired of him, and his evil ways. Persephone really needs to understand that man was never in her corner, and if he was, he would've left her alone from the very beginning. The lesson is don't EVER let a man be your downfall and try to make you feel powerless. If he can't take how powerful you are, he was never the one and he's an insecure a**hole.

• There Was Always Someone

Hydros tried to warn Gaia

People thought Rhea was stupid for loving Kronos

Probably someone close to the Missing Goddess tried to warn her

Demeter warned Persephone

Do we see the pattern? Constantly losing yourself in love with abusive men, getting your powers drained because they wanted to prove that they were worth loving, and trying to prove the haters wrong (looking at you author)? Well, yes. Persephone had her twenties to look forward to (school, TOGEM, and starting her future), but made a man child the #1 priority. Had her thirties (self reflection, getting her shit together, realize she can do bad by herself.), but still managed to keep him in the #1 priority slot, instead of her and her own mother. Like does she not get that her mom is her real best friend? These fertility goddesses (excluding Metis 🤢) wish that they would've listened to those people/or families, and saw from their point of view that their men weren't no good, and go from there. Like did Persephone ever think about what Zeus told her ( his back story about what happened to Rhea), nope. Just ignored it because she never listens, and loves finding out the hard way 🙄😒. If the author wanted a real ('cause let's be honest, it's not) feminist retelling, she could've had Persephone look at the fertility goddesses differently, Seeing there struggles, learn that Demeter just didn't want to see her get hurt, and walk away from him (but in a perfect world I guess 🫤). Remember y'all there is always someone in your corner that is looking out for you and/or showing they love you.

• Persephone's Fate

Until she starts listening to the right people, know how to think for herself, and realize that man ain't crap, she's doomed. Years from now, she's going to be trapped in a marriage full of regrets and shattered dreams, sparkling and useless if you will. Hades will continue to use and abuse her. Hell, wouldn't be surprised if he started cheating on her like he cheated on Minthe. Also, wouldn't be shocked if she becomes the next Hera, after all she was just her stand in. Hades would take most of her powers, someone defeats him, and puts him in prison somewhere, she starts seeing him, and no one else can. Would that be something? I mean he was in her dreams telling her that her ambitions will rot. Also people wouldn't want to come around her, and she gotta live with that for the rest of her life. Demeter, lasion, and her son living life to the fullest, so who can she call? She is stuck in a tragic cautionary tale of a fertility goddess. Someone that wanted to prove the haters wrong, wanted to be worthy of loving, and a victim of a man's abuse and manipulations.

[gigidragonbbxxx]

The Dark Side of Loass + motivation

I was on my daily reddit scroll while sipping my morning coffee when I saw something extremely disgusting on my homepage.

It was a manifestation success story by a man who claimed to have manifested his "perfect" gf - the kicker? She's underaged and he is a fully grown man.

The post has been deleted but the original poster's account is still up, as is his comment history. In his comments he details how he essentially used SATS and shot a message to someone he saw in discord. Apparently she is 15, lives with him due to an abusive situation, and yes they are s******y active. Apparently he treats her very well (he even mentioned bringing her to school YUCK) and buys her a lot of stuff and she's happy.

Let me make this clear:

a girl in an abusive home situation is not "saved" by an adult man taking advantage of it in the guise of "improving" her life situation while subjecting her to doing physical things she cannot consent to because she is not a damn adult.

I did some digging and it was not very long until I saw his first-ever comment about it and it was worse than I thought. I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt like maybe he visualized for a perfect gf and he didn't know she was a minor. Well, that says more about me than anything bc yes I found out that he had specified that he wanted her underaged. He literally says in the comment "specifcs that could get me in trouble". He made a lot of comments about her body, etc. and quite literally said something along the lines of "I'm her savior and shes my obsessed loving gf". Keep in mind...one of the titles this man used (he posted twice in diff subreddits) was "I manifested a s** s****e". So. Yup. He's a whole p*do.

I will not be sharing links as I don't want to give that horrible man any more traction but if you read all that and said to yourself, but Gigi whats that got to do with the dark side of the law of assumption? and why would you say there's a dark side to it?

The truth is that the law isn't dark at all, the evil part of the law is the people who use it for evil.

This is why good things can happen to horrible people.

This is why you see villains win.

They may have an amazing self-concept OR they just are under the assumption that NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE THEY ARE THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT EVEN IF ITS FUCKED UP AND MORALLY TWISTED.

It's why you see nepo babies who aren't talented get shit handed to them - THEY EXPECT IT BECAUSE OF WHAT? WHO. THEY. ARE. SO CHANGE YOUR INNER SELF. EMBODY THAT CONFIDENCE.

This is why I wanted to share that story with you, it is to motivate you: if you know you're a better person than that horrible man, WHY CAN'T YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT TOO?

Shouldn't you deserve even more for being good?

Stop thinking you don't deserve things bc guess what? People who are genuinely criminals are out here manifesting - so stay on your zoom and FOCUS. SATURATE. DISCIPLINE. COMMIT.

and let's all collectively agree to pray for that girl. I'm honestly gonna affirm that she gets saved and ends up in a situation where she is protected, loved, and away from predators.

Do not let evil win. Use it to remind yourself that the law is about BELIEF not FEELING.

with a heavy heart, xx, gigi

[consoleyourself]

Getting kinda tired of seeing my Catholic&Christian friends on here reblogging posts about how all trans folks are predatory, grooming perverts and then following up with how sad it is that dysphoric people are being tricked into irreversible surgery to try and solve their problems.

I'm sure there *is* some minority of trans adults out there that are predatory....just like there is a minority of priests, parents, teachers, etc. thst are predatory.

But the implication seems to be that trans folks are both scheming perpetrators and naive victims. But there is no thought or consideration given in these posts to the genuine anguish and suffering that people feel from dysphoria. Do any of you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to be struggling with these feelings and then see your friends make thinly veiled accusations that "dysphoria isn't real, and actually you are just a disgusting pervert"? Do you know how dehumanizing it is to look past the suffering people experience and make blanket generalizations about how they actually feel and why they do what they do?

I get it. You think transitioning is wrong. It hurts people. You want to bring that to light. You want to have someone to blame. You want people to avoid harming themselves in ways that can't be undone. It's a noble and good thing to want to help people avoid doing harm to themselves. But please. Stop dismissing their struggles as an 'evil fetish' or a result of manipulation by the 'evil left.' Please have a bit more compassion and consideration, especially for your side B friends that *aren't* acting on these feelings, but still struggling with them.

I know you're not bad people. I know you are my loving friends that only intentionally seek the good of others. I don't mean to be condescending. But you're not going to reach people, especially people in the midst of transition, or post transition, or considering transition by demonizing or infantilizing them. Even if those blanket statements were true, they're not particularly helpful. If you want to make a difference in a trans friend's life (side b or otherwise)....take a minute to talk to them. Ask them how they're feeling. Ask how you can pray for them. Remember that they are people and not a nameless talking point.

Thanks for reading through my rant. God bless.

Comments, reblogs, and criticisms welcome.

[katyspersonal]

3, 18, 24, 29, 32 for Mico :3

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

3) What first drew you to this character?

Like I said, my first introduction to Micolash was his theme song, paired with a concept art image of him since it was on Youtube. And I already was instantly captivated! My initial impression was that for some reason he was a helpless puppet, and I wanted to know of what exactly! So I've caught up on his lore.... and was sorely disappointed, because back then Fromsoft barely giving information was a novelty for me XD Still, I appreciated the madness, and the mystery. I was really impressed as he felt like someone on much higher level of knowledge, in NO way I felt like he was "silly" or "a joke" x)

18) Do you prefer to see this character suffer or know peace? Angst or comfort? Both?

Both! Imagining him laugh genuinely, not in madness, is one of my most comforting fantasies... ;-; I love seeing him peaceful, happy and, of course, loved! At the same time, I enjoy depictions of him recollecting his humanity only to collapse in tears and horror. Reflecting on how far everything has gone, on the people he had lost (usually Rom), on having lost himself..

24) Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.

This is... a heavy question. Micolash used to frequent my dreams. There is a whole saga about it, in a way, ahaha! I think my very first dream about him truly bound us. I dreamed about being Rom (even before I knew or created anything about her), walking on the water surface of the lake but it had water lilies, and seeing Micolash's back turned as he was praying. I tried to reach out to him and call him, but got absolutely ignored, then I looked down in the water and realised that although "I" perceived myself as a girl, I in reality became a spider. Realisation made me wake up, strangely with extreme nausea and thirst, even if I was not sick or poisoned.

But there were many other dreams a while later after that one. In this order: he invaded my average nightmare about my stepdad saying 'she is ours now' to him; him pulling me down into the sea to drown; him deceiving me with "loving me back" whereas he was hypnotising me to follow into apparently a trap (sort of an attic full of dust, books and mirrors) and I woke up when I snapped out of trance; the dream where he kept tormenting me by putting me through death by Frenzy over and over yet I kept respawning and unable to change my situation, and once I found a Sedative that was my only chance to get out of the 'loop' I've given it to a mother whose child kept suffering the same fate. When he saw it, he spared me and teleported me into a bed to have a rest... while he was very, very harshly scolding me for being "too obsessive" and weirding HIM out, that I was too much for HIM, and that he'd never love me and I was nobody for him?

And the last one in this 'line' was when I was little again, in my room, in the time where a very particular trauma happened to me. Except, it was full of the same fog as Nightmare of Mensis, and Micolash was there, offering to undo it...? Unfortunately, it didn't happen, but I appreciated the offer. Ironic that THE nightmare man would offer to stop my nightmares (or rather, take control over them, as "lesser evil"). And, of course, don't forget semi-regular Micolaurence dreams!

29) Do you get defensive about this character? If yes, then why?

I DO! And sometimes not for a good reason. It is like an instinct! xD Like, at times I am unable to take the joke about him being "just silly unwashed unhinged failure wet cat" fsdhfhds I am dead serious, I actually sometimes pout and want to write a long essay on how WELL AKTUALY he is very complicated and deep and messed up character! This is why other simps don't like talking to me anymore fhshdfshfs

The most defensive I've ever gotten about him was when an anon complimented an artist that (deliberately) prettified Micolash because they liked "aesthetic" or whatever. Anon praised the artist for "fixing" the "ugly" character, without exaggeration, and for making him "actually attractive" :/ But you've been there with me, you've gotten mad at that anon with me, you remember. Saying that someone made the non-conventionally attractive character aKtUaLLy lOoK GuD by replacing him with idealised version true to one's own preferences in appearance.. You know how Gehrman haters say that 'Doll is prettyfied idealised version of Maria crafted to his tastes that in no way reflects Maria's actual vibe'? I think as hard as I cringed at that moment, but in the end, I am able to understand how Gehrman haters feel when gamerbros simp for Doll!

So yeah, after realising that I have this problem of getting too defensive over integrity of my favs, including appearance, I have to restrain myself and rationalise. For example, 'maybe he used to look much prettier and healthier in Byrgenwerth times!' is reasonable! I just... won that trait in 'unlikeable' autistic fan traits lottery. You know, that one. That, if left unattended, will surely one day make the fan completely alone. As anyone is scared of telling them anything in fear of being "corrected". With only the characters they so-much-cherished to keep them company now. What a sad fate. I am sure there will be a better use for it one day than acting as though fictional characters have human rights sighhhhh....

32) If you could make this character a meal, what would you make them?

Well, look at this man, he never eats anything anymore because he's too focused on his research, so ANY meal would be good for him x) But greenish skin tone instantly makes me think of iron deficiency, so I would offer him chickpea spinach curry!

Thank you for asking!!

[spikeinthepunch]

a while ago i wrote a post all about my dnd character Asphodel, but i actually removed it along with some descriptions on some art because i had paranoia one of my party members might find my blog due to them making a tumblr and knowing my username on instagram which is the same lol...

but for complex personal reasons i wont be playing Asphodel with a the part of that party that would find this blog, and so i wanted to write a new post going over her especially because the campaign she was in had to stop and be cancelled so lore pertaining her present plot line is no longer relelvant (but she remains the same overall)

so here i go, long post incoming. i will go from the start to the end of her backstory, then the "present" of the campaign (which again, has ended and was incomplete).

Asphodel Atbay (he/she) is a lawful evil tiefling cleric/rogue who worships the evil goddess of misfortune, Beshaba. She has white skin, buzzed white hair, and blue eyes. There is a scar on her left thight shaped like a stag's head with antlers.

Her family generations ago fled Demos to the new world, and in doing so they prayed to the goddess Beshaba in wishes to avoid all kinds of misfortune in their new life. However, they became tied to her with no way to leave as they feared what they may do if they became disloyal to her. So, they adapted to her follower's lifestyle in order to please her... which mean a life of evil. Deception, manipulation, selfish greed. In time they embraced this and it is all they now know.

Asphodel was born to Arrakas Atbay (father) and Nenarai Atbay (mother). A noble family in Paradise Rocks (this location could change when revived for a rebooted campaign) who had worked their way up through manipulative tactics and money. Asphodel was shaped into who she was-- her father being quite detached and stone faced in every regard, unless it was a short smile of approval to Asphodel completing her "work" she was to carry out. Whatever he asked for she did with pleasure, always wishing to do what the family wanted as she sought their approval. Being the face of the family, it was never hard for him to match his demeanor to fit a kind public perception, but these positive emotion were for show and Asphodel would never see him show those feeling in a genuine way. He is selfish, greedy, and narcissistic. Her mother on the other hand was just as bad but in an entirely different manner-- incredibly cold and hard to please, Nenarai was a highly intimidating and skilled assassin of the family. Her combat training for her child never regarded safety, throwing Asphodel a weapon and not flinching any moment she cut her flesh when Asphodel failed at a swing or a dodge.

The work Asphodel often found herself in was dealing with all kinds of shading deals and noble clients. Making sure to keep up appearances and a good face, all in order to get close enough to use these people for their own advantage. By no means did this not include things like murder-- the family was very familiar with doing this. It was always quiet, an accident, something easy to excuse and never connect to themselves. It may seem like hard work, but Asphodel never blinked an eye. Her family and goddess mattered most.

Eventually their noble family befriended the mayoral family of Paradise Rocks when moving their for the first time. The Freyas. Making under the unofficial, untracked business with them gave a quick establishment of loyalty as the Mayor felt positive in the ways the Atbays could support them and the city. Their goal was to make sure their relationship stayed strong enough that trust would never falter, and so Asphodel was undoubtedly involved in making friends with the family.

But getting close to the family led to the worst. He got to know the daughter of the family, Anael Freya. A young half elf woman. But this young lady showed obvious disdain for politics that her family did. She didnt trust the Atbays and she didn't plan to care about Asphodel either. But Asphodel knew what to do, she knew how to put on an act... so she did. She played it in just the right way for Anael to enjoy her company and feel a friendship worthy of holding. But in time, Asphodel genuinely gained feelings of love.

It was a terrifying moment to realize this, that she'd fallen so hard when it was her job to not at all. The fate of this family would not be good, she knew this. But her family's approval and the wrath of her goddess sat heavy on her shoulders. And she soon had to face the conflict head on, with no way out without horrible consequences. His father tasked him with the deed of killing the Freyas. They were to kill them silently and take place as Mayor of the city. Her father knew Asphodel's closeness, and undoubtedly put her in charge of this murder purely for that reason.

At a dinner in the evening, Asphodel took a classic route of poisoning their food. Except for Anael. Asphodel walked her to her bedroom, stiff as she walked and silent. Using every muscle to stop her hands from shaking. When they sat at her bedside and Asphodel leaned down to kiss her, she took one thin needle, dipped in a vial of poison moments before. Pricking it deep into the viens of her neck as she held her head. There was a brief moment of shock before everything was still.

Asphodel does the job. Her horrible conflict of emotions hits in a flash of praying to her goddess for her faith and loyalty. Is she still loved by Beshaba just regretting the murder at all? Was that enough to waver the bond they had? She'd never express an ounce of guilt to her father or mother either, she knew she did the right thing for them. It was for all of them.

To the start of the real campaign. again, this campaign was cut short and incomplete. this isnt a real "canon" as i will play her in a reboot. There is no concluded plot about what has occurred here, with many questions left unanswered.

Asphodel is given a new job, to work for an elf noble named Madame Shadowfury. In this world, elves are at war with every other race as they attempt to take over all lands. But the Atbays strive for greed and power, and make work with the elves during this way for political advantage from all sides. This first "job" was to join a group signing up to work on a ship, with a quest that was a tad unknown until getting there. However, in order to secure her place with no connection, Shadowfury tasked Asphodel with killing a tiefling who was to go on that ship for her already-- he wasn't fufilling his work and was a whistleblower. Asphodel kills him brutally with her aze in the alleyway and proceeds to replace him the next day.

However, it should be said that Asphodel doesn't know what she is doing for Shadowfury. She is given her task from her father, and she has gone to do it, no questions asked.

The large six player party finds out that their job is to join this crew in order to find the last crew that went missing. they get to it-- Asphodel gets to know some of these people and intends to use them in whatever way she can. Especially the two who know Shadowfury in some form. Whilst on the ship, Asphodel receives a mental message (the spell) from her father, telling her to keep an eye on the teenager on the ship who owes Shadowfury a debt. He also asks her briefly about how she is after having killed Anael as he "knows you liked that girl". this is the first time he brings up anything about the murder, after 7 months since it happened.

I will pass by the details of *everything* that happened as it didn't focus on Asphodel, but the short of it is, is that he got to know everyone more and built many thoughts on how to deal with them. Some, he even felt were problems enough to potentially kill them. One of his connections- a player character named Storvus- he decided to take his interests in her with intent to manipulate. Theres no way she's genuinely fall in love, and when Storvus came to show interest she took the opportunity to use him as a person to blindly trust her through her job.

Sadly this is where this version of her story ends. The second chapter of this campaign was to reveal her family to the party. They would travel back home to Paradise Rocks and everyone would learn of her noble mayoral family! Which would have had quite some reactions. One character would probably hate me so bad lol.

The meta things to say about Asphodel while playing her is... it is so hard, but so interesting. i lied so much, not just in character but out of character as well. i probably lied more ooc than i did ic actually, as we are all friends who hang out casually and would talk about dnd. i managed to get them to think she was true neutral. one joked about how i liked religious trauma but i casually said yeah, but shes pretty normal. one said "i wanted to play neutral evil but DM said they dont want any evil characters". in other talks it was no issue talking about how itd be cool to play lawful evil, but it seems so hard. Storvus' player and i had a private interaction that i made them think they had a special secret with me that even the DM couldnt know right now, but in reality i told the DM about our interaction and purely did this just so the player thought we had some special, even out of character. it goes so far, and it was likely that i was going to keep this up until chapter 7 (we only finished chapter 1).

for now, this is it. but the talks with the DM have me knowing they want to play with me again (and the one other player from that campaign), even if its just a two person party. and aside from that, they want to do one on one memory/past related sessions for me (and the other player) which will be very nice to do in the mean time.

[sunset-synthetica]

tell us about the women of the game please 🤲🤲

I FORGOR TO POST THIS LMAO

TEEHEE ok so. first off. Ripper. she is actually legitimately insane. shit she sends to Johnny after straight up killing him and obsessing over doing it again btw:

she's such a fucking weirdo like I legit wasn't expecting her to be such a fun character. Unnecessarily violent and really excited about killing and maiming people. Some particular fans also have a massive hate boner for her and I hope it never stops. I hope they hate her forever and ever and she never faces any consequences and leaves them to seethe and cope. Also it's like implied her and Johnny had a situationship at some point in the near past which is so funny. Me and the bad bitch I pulled by being a mid blond cop. Incredibly fun character overall and I pray to god she returns in the future.

The Executive:

Leader of girlbosses everywhere and I love her so much. Her dialogue is so corny and her voice actor figured out just the right type of forceful, overly aggressive tone to match her character. She manipulates the shit out of Johnny and holds his brain hostage to make him submit to her and be her special little killing machine which is so hot and fucked up of her.

I firmly believe her and Ripper are toxic evil girlboss workplace harassment yuri and evidence tells me the game's creator is very much not opposed to the idea.

Lastly, SYN, my beautiful wife. She's like a supermegaultra evil genocidal AI who's got like a whole god/creator/nature vs nurture/eugenics at the heart of a lot of our institutions shit going on. Genuinely a wonderful character thematically. Basically she was cooked up by Johnny's mom and then controlled by Teratek (evil corporation that the Exec represents) to simplify and speed up augmentation processes for people, but overtime SYN got kinda fucked up and started thinking she's some sort of all powerful god whose purpose is to create a new, better universe. I couldn't fix her but by god could she make me worse. She has this fun little subtextual dynamic going on with S.A.M.M., Johnny's AI assistant, as they were both made by Johnny's mom but for vastly different purposes and raised under different conditions, despite having an equal amount of care and thought put into them.

The way she tries to manipulate Johnny and seems entirely fascinated by him from the start is sooooo good. Wish there had been more done with that. She's perplexed by the fact that he doesn't give up or die, and that morphs into a sort of obsession. Multiple times she mentions seeing him, understanding him, being the only one who isn't scared of him and won't abandon him, and tries to get him on her side by promising to return his voice and help him feel wanted and like he belongs. Incredibly good stuff.

[dnpanimationstudioclone]

Val & Sid🔻🪞

    For my rewrite, I definitely want Sid and Val to meet and talk. 

My Sid’s pretty much the embodiment of adolescent rage and revenge at its finest, his desire for revenge against bullies drove him to the deep end, costing him his own life and almost costed others lives as well. 

My Val in my version got quite wronged by Danny(unintentionally) his recklessness and anger fighting Vlad led to him accidentally injuring Valerie’s dad, leaving him unable to keep his job. Ever since she’s been putting herself in danger and sacrificing a lot to get payback on not just Danny but the other ghosts, she deems a threat.

He’d honestly sympathize well with my Val, seeing her anger very justified and wanting to stop her from going too far and making the same mistakes he made. He also wants to help save Danny from her wrath, while he doesn’t hold it against Val for being angry with Danny, he’s still his friend and understands from his end he meant no harm and is trying to make things right and def doesn’t deserve to die.

Val- Why shouldn’t I get back at Phantom!? He’s done nothing but hurt me and I didn’t do anything to him then! AND I KNOW MY DAD DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE WHAT HE DID! Why shouldn't I give him a taste of his own medicine!?

Sid- How do you think I ended up like this? 

Val-…

I think it’d be a good part of both their development.

Sid at this point understanding the costs of revenge and even trying to help someone who at an earlier part he would’ve considered a bully. She was possibly also one of his targets during his revenge pranks with Danny(from my ep rewrite which can be found in his links) He finally sees the world's not all black and white, but many shades…of gray. He also has a habit of jumping to conclusions and assuming only the worst in jerks and bullies, and also relates to Val there as well(her assuming only the worst in ghosts). With Val being a former A-Lister and wasn't always the nicest person, he realizes there really could be more than meets the eye and that people can genuinely change and grow.

For Val, she’s having to see one of the worst case examples of what can happen to her if she keeps continuing this path of revenge and blind rage and how it can easily cost her everything or worse, make her into someone worse and end up continuing the vicious cycle( he who fights monsters or in this case she who fights ghosts). She also ends up realizing atleast that with ghosts, it’s also not always as black and white like she thinks, meeting a ghost that actually sympathizes and relates to her…even if it doesn’t make her stop hunting, it atleast makes her realize she shouldn’t just deem all ghosts as evil and dangerous, or that they deserve to all be wiped out.

Ngl I can imagine Sid’s mantis half really respect and even want to help Val or atleast leave Phantom for her to take out. He has a code for personal arches. I can even see her call Val “ladybug” for her color scheme and can be a formidable predator to insects like the Praying Mantis🐞

He respects her “as a fellow hunter for vindication”. And at this point, she’s also gotten good development and changed her attitude, making her no longer the type of target he’d go after unless provoked by her first.

Overall I think they really could benefit from meeting each other.

I can honestly see Tangled, Nothing Left To Loose fit them very well, Sid trying to discourage Val on her vendetta quest.

Here's info on my versions and how my Sid died

Valerie

Sidney

How he died

[therecordconnection]

Ranting and Raving: "Don't Let the Light Go Out" by Panic! at the Disco

The Ship of Theseus is a famous paradox, one that regards identity over time. The paradoxical question takes many forms, but this is the most common one: The ship goes on many voyages over time. As it continues going on, eventually all of the original parts are all replaced with new ones. At that point, one must ask, is it still the Ship of Theseus?

This paradox can be fed into Panic! at the Disco, a band that began as four people but eventually found its way to being officially made up of just one person: Brendan Urie.

Just this morning it was announced that Panic! will be breaking up at the end of their upcoming European tour in March. The news was met here on Tumblr with memes, funny jokes, and observations galore. Pete Wentz killed Panic! the same way he and Fall Out and Boy killed My Chemical Romance when they broke up in 2013. Brendan Urie finally got tired of playing Weekend at Bernie's with the name of a band that hasn't truly been a band since 2009. Ryan Ross gets to drink tonight in honor of "The Evil" being vanquished. All kinds of stuff. The #panic at the disco tag is a very fun and interesting tag to look through today.

For me, I stopped following Panic! after the Death of a Bachelor album. I still enjoy that album a lot. I thought it was a really solid, really strong project and I think that's where Panic! at the Disco could've ended. Sadly, that's not what happened. I didn't really care much for Pray For the Wicked (although I was still stuck listening to my shitty Top 40 radio station at the time that came out so I never want to hear "High Hopes" ever again) and Viva Las Vengeance was an easy album to ignore, mostly due to Urie's public reputation being completely in the toilet by then. I remember hearing the album title, thinking it was silly and dumb, and moved on to other things.

Upon hearing the news that Panic! at the Disco would finally come to an end, I decided that it would possibly be worth it to listen to what will now be the final Panic! album (but is it the last time we'll see Brendan Urie? Could a true solo career be on the horizon someday??) and see what I initially passed on and was indifferent to.

If you want quick thoughts on what I think of the entire album: it's fine. I think it's an album that's mostly unlucky and will continue to be hated mostly because of the stink of Urie's current reputation more so than the quality of the music on it. I've certainly heard much worse, but it's far from the album I would recommend to someone that wants to give Panic! at the Disco a shot. The best way I can describe it is that it's if a theatre kid tried desperately to recreate seventies rock and still feels the need to prove themselves when they've already done so. I can't recommend much, but if you want to give the album a fair shot: the title track, "Middle of a Breakup," "Sad Clown," "Do It To Death" were the ones I thought were the most okay.

The one song that stood out the most to me was "Don't Let the Light Go Out," which is track 3 on the album. It's the one that shines the brightest. It's the best song production wise, Urie sounds great (because he's singing in a normal range as opposed to trying to go for obnoxious high notes that he can't hit,) it was the strongest one lyrically, and it was the one of the only moments of the album that felt genuine. Most of Viva Las Vengeance is Urie flying like a modern Icarus using a jetpack on max speed and most of the tracks sounding like a bloated mess of hubris and overcompensating.

Lyrically, the song is about a relationship ending, using visiting someone in critical condition in the hospital as a metaphor for said relationship dying.

Stare at a wall that's told a thousand tragedies Holding a hand that's loved every part of me A lady comes and tells me that I got to leave

It's not a terrible idea for a song, but when I listened to this song for the first time, it wasn't the death of a romantic relationship that was on my mind. No, the dying relationship that was on my mind was Brendan Urie's relationship with the "Panic! at the Disco" brand ending (it's more apt to call it a "brand" at this point.) If Viva Las Vengeance is going to be re-evaluated, I imagine the songs will be looked at through the lens that I'm looking at this song right now: Seeing the connections between the lyrics and the death of Panic! at the Disco.

The next set of lyrics continue the metaphor of visiting someone in critical condition:

Deep breaths from the room where I watch you lie Any beat from your heart gets me through the night You're my love, you're my death, you're my alibi Say this isn't goodbye

The entire time I've listened to this song, I don't picture a person when I hear "you," I only think of Urie talking to the concept of Panic!. It's not hard to view it this way, especially when you have fans that have been saying Urie has been playing Weekend at Bernie's with the band's corpse for years or that he's the one person that has the power to pull the band's name off of life support and won't do it (until today, of course.)

This song, above all the others, felt the most genuine to me. It's the song with the least amount of theatrics and tricks. It's the one moment on the album where Urie sounds and feels... lost. Like he's gone too far and doesn't know where else to go. I keep asking myself, "If Panic! at the Disco ends, what becomes of Brendan Urie?" What identity do you have when you've been wearing a different one for so long? What do you do when you finally pull the plug on the only thing you've known for the last nineteen years?

Who's gonna drive me home tonight? Who's going to argue 'til they win the fight? You're the only one that knows how to operate My heavy machinery

The post chorus is just the title of the song repeated four times: "Don't let the light go out." I imagine Urie has been repeating this phrase to himself for years now. He probably said it when Spencer Smith was gone, when Ryan Ross was gone, when Dallon Weekes was gone, when all but him were gone from the picture. Urie doesn't strike me as a man who looks backwards, only forwards. "Don't let the light go out" sounds desperate. It sounds like someone who has no idea where they're going, but they know they have to keep moving. They'll figure it out eventually... right?

It's the most genuine and most human moment on the entire album for me. Those six words. "Don't let the light go out." It feels especially human because it's sung by a singer who at only thirty-five sounds fried. I mean, fried. My man's upper register sounds cracked and hurting and you can really hear it on this song and throughout the album. The title track and "Sad Clown" are the two songs where this is most evident. Urie tries (and fails) to hit notes that are way beyond reach for him and they're borderline painful to hear ("Sad Clown" is an apt title for that song... I'll leave it at that.) It's the best song on the album and it's a sad, but fitting end to the Panic! story. It's a good representation of the final days of a brand coming to an unceremonious end.

Panic! at the Disco is something that I think deserves to die and I'm happy to see it die. It needs to enter the backburner of history and hopefully time will be kind to the golden years left behind. Panic! at the Disco's death was slow and agonizing and Viva Las Vengeance is the album you get when you have an artist that refuses to let something come to a natural conclusion. When you have an artist who feels so fucking committed to trying to prove that they were the whole of something great rather than one of the parts that made it great, you get Viva Las Vengeance. The story of Panic! at the Disco is akin to growing up with a dear friend and then watching them be involved in a serious car crash after the best day ever. Then you have to see them cling to life and be hooked up to several machines. Doctors and nurses and surgeons keep them alive when all you want to do is run into the room and pull the plug and stop the pain from continuing.

"It's been a hell of a journey," is how Brendan Urie described the end of the brand. Yes it has, though with the way people have reacted to the news of Panic! at the Disco's demise, you would think Queen Elizabeth came back to life and died again. There's going to be a healthy stream of memes and jokes and ridicule and it's all deserved and it's all Brendan Urie's fault. When you refuse to let something die, eventually people want to go in and kill it for you. My only hope is that people prop up their golden years (A Fever You Can't Sweat Out through Too Rare to Live, Too Weird to Die) and remember that stuff. Maybe I'm biased because my friends and I grew up with the music, but I genuinely think that stuff deserves to stick around because of happy memories associated with it. Too Rare to Live, Too Weird to Die is still one of my favorite albums of the 2010s and my friends and I still have plenty of Panic! songs we're gonna continue to love into the future. I wouldn't have wanted Panic! at the Disco to die this way, but I can say I'm happy it's master finally decided it was time to put it to rest. It deserves to rest peacefully and hopefully (knock on wood) it will forever. If I had to eulogize Panic!, "This Is Gospel" is how I want to do it:

This is Gospel for the fallen ones Locked away in permanent slumber Assembling their philosophies From pieces of broken memories

[egg-emperor]

Eggman losing his villainy is as likely as Sonic becoming the series' main antagonist lol. Try not to worry too much! There's no villain who can properly replace Eggman's role in the series after all these decades.

I knooow that's definitely the truth and it does seem his villainy isn't going to go anywhere because he still clearly hates Sonic and will never give up on his goals, as much as certain fans dislike his evil and wish he'd actually change in every single way. but aghh I just really hate how I've seen people genuinely consider the possibility of him just suddenly stopping and no longer being evil, giving up, and losing his passion just because of some AI, as if it isn't already OOC and out of place enough for him this dynamic to be forced on him.

I think I can at least be hopeful enough that they won't severely fuck up everything else too though, as they at least still got the rest right in this game. I just can't shake the fear sometimes and it's harder now that at least one has actually come true in a way I really dislike in English. and it just really bothers me that people seem to dislike and want to change literally every single one of his important character aspects and turn him into a completely different person and this new English stuff has really been fuelling them.

but yeah Eggman is a villain and that is never going to change after 30+ years. he's been the villain since the first game and will be to the last, if there is one. his evil is his important main defining trait as the way to summarize his entire being, personality, and goals. the first word official media uses to describe him, the literal type of character he is. it's what he lives and breathes and is fueled by and evident in every single aspect of his character. which should be obvious because he's a real villain but ya know, people don't like those.

I don't why people have been considering and hoping for that when he obviously isn't going to become a good guy, just like Sonic isn't going to become a bad guy. I might dislike one change they tried to make already but the day they strip him of evil would be the day his whole character would be ruined and we'd lose him and be left with an empty bland character that's a different person entirely. I pray and truly believe that it will never come to that but I wish people didn't keep making me worry with their serious speculation about it.

[girl4pay]

okay you mentioned catelyn stark so now you’re just gonna have to suffer through me spiralling just for a sec it’s been years and years since i read any of the books and i watched the first few seasons a while back i don’t RECALL this being in the book ALL THAT SAID when cat’s talking to robb’s wife about the charm mothers make for their children GENUINELY one of the most fun and fascinating character moments Of Time for me and like i’m really generally Not That Into got but that whole conversation RULES ME like!!! idk idk how to explain it but the absolute psychological war going on there the terrible, awful humanness of it like she prayed for jon’s death!!! and then he almost died and she sat with him all night begging the gods to let him live, promising to love him and then he lived and she still couldn’t do it!!! like watching cat’s resentment towards jon was so uncomfortable and it’s like… SO so obviously unfair and wrong and then you realise cat KNOWS ITS WRONG she knows he’s an innocent in the situation and that it isn’t his fault and he deserves to be loved and cared for and she believes all this to be true to the degree that she fully believes failing to do so is an act of evil punishable by the annihilation of not only her entire family but like the whole continent she believes utterly and wholeheartedly that it was her god-given duty to love this child and she STILL COULDNT DO IT absolutely fascinating absolutely runs my brain like i will give at least what i’ve seen/recall reading in GOT credit for absolutely and categorically refusing to have any Morally Pure characters and not even just in a ‘they didn’t have any better options’ way in a full throttle people who are otherwise ‘good’ doing things that are genuinely and completely unjustifiable way but this moment especially i’m fascinated and obsessed like i really didn’t think they were ever particularly going to raise jon and cat’s relationship and they did and it’s fucked up and complicated and ugly! and she knew she was being unfair and cruel and she knew it wasn’t his fault and she was taking the anger that should have been for ned out on this innocent kid and she wanted to be able to love him but she Just Couldn’t! even though she hated herself for it she’s internalised the guilt for it so deeply she genuinely believes herself to be fundamentally responsible for Every Bad Thing That’s Happening and she knew it was hateful at the time but she couldn’t help herself!!! fucked up and fascinating!!!! i never stop thinking about it!!!!

its literally so fun like i love to read it i don't remember the scene abt the charms bcus i haven't watched the show in ages but the jon + catelyn relationship is so fucking fascinating and well written honestly catelyn + all her children it's like a great little microcosm study of like misogyny + familial abuse + power dynamics probs my fav part of the series. like my favorite part of the starks is they are supposed to be the Good Family that loves each other etc etc so they serve as like a perfect mirror for all the social issues in the got world bcus it's not villainy or hatred it's just what happens to a group of people living in a world like this

[apilgrimsjournal]

Unearthly Foe

Recently, the church has been experiencing unnecessary tension from us who have not had enough time to sit down and communicate our differences and misgivings. I happen to love these people with equal honor and respect but I cannot help but think how different I thought the church would be. I have these wrong preconceived notions that Christians are people who are always willing to keep no record of wrongs, forgiving, and rely on God to handle the things we have no control of. But God is teaching us all that that is sugar-coated Christianity. If Christians are always lovable people, then the love we show to each other cannot possibly be genuine since loving often comes with sacrifice, long-suffering, enduring, and more attributes which are found in 1 Corinthians 13. To walk away and stop caring for each other is the easier way out to the flesh, but that results to indifference which is the exact opposite of love. Even C.S. Lewis attested that to love at all is to be vulnerable, love will cost us our comfortable lives because we follow the One who for His great love to us, died for our own sakes, too. The Holy Spirit is teaching me that loving each other should always be the first priority of the church. And if I am being honest, this is so difficult to learn and do, myself included. Because even if we tell people from outside about Christ, but fail to love one another inside the church, what good is that to us? Surely, God did not design His church to be that way.

More importantly, I also keep thinking about how the Evil One must be enjoying this. Satan wants to kill and destroy what God is restoring to Himself which is His church: the people He graciously redeemed. This Enemy is formidable and because Satan knows he cannot defeat God, he will rather attack His people: His image-bearers. He will not stop until he damns the souls of God’s people to eternal fire just as he was damned. His envious pride has no limit, unlike us humans, who tire and get weary. The principalities and forces of darkness know no sleep or rest so we must take heed and be wary of their tricks and snares. They usually use our thoughts and feelings to create issues that were not even there in the first place and cause dissension and strife. These evil ones are cunning and ruthless to us, because unlike us, they do not have the chance to repent and turn to God, the wellspring of life and joy, and be with Him anymore. So, I pray that God will grant us wisdom to know what to believe and reject, who the real foe is, and what matters the most. May we remember that eternity with God and enjoying His being forever should be the ultimate end of each of us.

Psalm 103:

15 As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.

17 But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children,

18 to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments.

[jellogram]

You know, I actually find the "serial killer fandom" really interesting. I think a lot of it just comes from teenagers trying to be edgy and dark but the more serious ones who feel genuine compassion for these men are the ones that interest me.

In some sense, it's like the truest form of empathy. I think there's value to being able to see the human behind the atrocities, to put yourself in even the most horrific shoes. So much of humanity's kindness comes from the ability to do just that. Obviously this kindness is wildly misplaced to the point of harming others, but it's an interesting demonstration of empathy nonetheless. It's like that "Who prays for Satan?" quote. The problem is that, well, maybe no one SHOULD pray for Satan this time.

I think this empathy comes from a few places. Firstly I think it gives these people some sense of pride that they are able to empathize with someone so dark and twisted, like, look at me! Look how compassionate I am! My kindness knows no bounds!

Secondly I think a lot of us know, whether consciously or unconsciously, that we have sides to us that are very deep and dark. I think a lot of us feel unlovable and undeserving of compassion. So being able to feel that love and compassion for people who are so sick and evil, it's like it proves that you, regular non-sicko, are not beyond love either.

And perhaps the most obvious idea is the "I could fix him" theory. I think a lot of people especially women really enjoy the idea that someone dark and evil would stop being dark and evil just for them. In some sense, serial killer crushes are just the most extreme version of bad boy love interests.

If it wasn't clear, I don't condone any kind of "serial killer fandom" and I think all the people with dahmer profile pics etc are disturbed. I suppose that the same way they claim to enjoy diving into serial killers psyches, I am enjoying diving into theirs. I encourage anyone reading this who identifies with the above to seek help.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i just journalled about it but im still kinda irritated. like i genuinely think that youre just annoyed at me for trying to have my life together, for having work and doing uni and that our parents are happy about that. its not really my fault that i made that choice? like its not my fault youre insecure about that. in the samr way its not your fault im insecure about my social life. hm. interesting

im still going to resent you for that. i dont really know how to stop it. maybe my psych could help with that.

idk

little things bother me. like you being fine being friendly with my ex because its 'just the way you are' well me being argumentative and temperamental is JUST THE WAY I AM. but god forbid i get (rightfully) annoyed at you for being flakey and unreliable, and i am so fucking evil for that. are you serious?

ive been like this forever and now all of the sudden you cant handle it. okay fine. fine. the last few months ive been slowly coming to terms with the fact that our relationship is going to have to have a massive shift. like massive in the fact that it cant really exist anymore. its not possible for us to be close without us both getting seriously triggered and upset at the other. so we stop hanging out and talking as much and its solved. literally how gross and pathetic, like all those toxic siblings we hear about and feel bad for.

ideally i could just move out and i wont have to deal with any of your weird energy at all. but its just so annoying being at home, even when we dont really see eachother or even talk, because your constant avoidant energy just seeps out everywhere. i notice it because youre always so quick to rush out and get away from the house. like we all fucking get it, you hate us all and dont wanna be around us. grow tf up. learn how to communicate your problems with people and cop the reaction from it. i learnt a long time ago.

its funny cause the more you try to avoid something, the more that problem grows. you dont want me to be angry and irritated at you, and the fact that youre avoiding makes me more irritated. you do realise that, right? i mean, i told you. i thought we made a breakthrough but youre still acting like a child.

is that why? do you feel like a child? do you feel immature because of what im doing with my life? is that the insecurity for you?

its annoying for me to have to sit here and overanalyse shit because you fail to communicate this stuff with me. i tried to have an adult conversation with you and you get so uncomfortable and avoidant. for the first time i feel like the therapist.

remind me to never trust your advice again. remember what happened with the taurus? to be fair you helped me confront the issue with him. but he completely gaslit me and you were like yea hes right, you were in the wrong. girl?

atp i have to treat myself as an only child now. because i certainly cant come to you with anything anymore. its not like youd come to me! and im actually open and trying to be here for you. how sad is that. its actually so sad. like the fear of abandonment do be coming true and it really do be the ones closest to you. and how is it always the youngest? the same thing happened with con and maeve. like how could you just dog your family like that.

i was and still am genuinely concerned that shes falling into a depression again but im just gonna put faith in and pray to god that her friends are actually there for her and providing her with the love and support she needs (if that was the case). at the very least she has her friends.

and back to square one for me. i have me myself and i, like always.

the thing i need to work on is being more appreciative of her, and the little things she does to be there for me. even if its not what i want or need or asked for. i have to grateful. i am grateful for my sister. i will put my pride aside and be the bigger person like i was earlier today. i know i hurt her and im sorry and i am grateful for her making time for me in her busy busy life. think about the slay it girls kylie and kendall. it took them till their mid 20s to reach a stable place as sisters. perhaps it will just take some more time.

its worth the wait. (thanks chan)

[soul-artist]

My ex besties fam cut ties with my parents and I’m jealous that I can’t do the same. My ex best friends family got close with my family. Eventually, they meshed with our family friends too. Her parents were generous, kind, snarky and very very giving. If there’s one thing you can ever accuse them off, it’ll be vanity. On the other hand, my parents couldn’t be described. They are nightmare in a single package? My dad would brag about giving us “everything we’ve ever touched” so loud as if we didn’t stop “touching and picking” things for the taunts of “I have bought you this”, “that’s so expensive”, “I bought you this, so you better do this for me” that’d eventually come. Emotionally that’s are a solid (minus)-1000000. Couldn’t ever rely on them for anything, we’ve never been shown compassion in this household. They’d VIEW themselves so morally superior to everybody while doing below bare minimum everyday is fucking hilarious. The bestie’s mom would try to connect with her, lash out from lack of understanding like other brown parents, but her redeeming quality was she’d put an effort to understand her daughter AND bring her the help she(daughter) needed. Doing all that, she’d also spoil her daughter with things that her daughter would take interest in, from books to clothes and jewelries, baby her daughter, stand up for her in social settings and cut people off who’d disrespect them (my own sperm donor being one of them). My mom would 24/7 engage in backbiting and gossiping with other people and cry about what other people said about HER to us, like, woman as if you haven’t been doing the same thing about others regarding things that doesn’t even concern you. My sperm donor considers himself as very religiously wise, but partakes in worse habits than my mom. He has arrogance for days with zero actions to match with it- the ultimate hypocrite. Now both of these very damaged, very unwilling-to-heal individuals would have toxic fights all the time since before was born probably that my core childhood memory is just traumas. I still can’t imagine what complete “safe and serene” feels like and its been two decades since I have been here in the world. I would have anxiety from the disrespect and the level of lows one could go to that they have blatantly shown me over the years, I cannot form a single meaningful, friendship with anyone else without fearing that that hates me secretly. I can’t trust anyone’s love, can’t trust anyone’s genuinely good person at heart because I didn’t see it much without any hidden evil intention behind it before my own eyes. One of my friends dad has made her emotionally so strong, after his passing she’s managed to pick herself up AND support her brother who’s a decade older than her while also doing uni full time. One of my other friends mom would pray for her before every single one of her tests, be it be a major one or a minor, before she lefts the house. Many others have a Friday tradition of cooking special dishes. I know that have their downs too, but that have this specific, consistent act of a single good thing that they know they’ll get from their parents. They have that surety of good, that me and my siblings don’t have. Because despite how many times my parents says they are holo in his the world by owing the bills and managing the house, the other parents are doing those too. It’s the fact that what are you doing for our “happiness” rather than keeping us alive.

Hav I mentioned my sperm donor is allergic to happiness? Anytime we’d laugh a bit loud or be excited about something he’d put us down for it, mock it and generally invalidate us by stressing how unimportant, mundane and unnecessary the thing was. He never celebrated our wins( because it was never “good enough”), but made sure to always lament us for our losses. A real sunshine to be around tbh. He’s the foundation that you want to leave as soon as you can, than the one you’d build your home around.

[seafoam-mermaid]

I want to be loved so bad it’s unbearable :’( Sometimes I think I will burst from how lonely I am. I’ve tried to bite my tongue for years and not talk about it so much anymore because people hate me even more when I do, but I want a relationship so bad. More than anything. I feel it would make me happy. I know it would. I can’t fathom being genuinely loved, no one has ever loved me. I want it more than anything. Sometimes I have dreams about what it must be like to be loved and I wake up in tears because it wasn’t real. Why don’t I deserve it? 😢 I don’t want to hear ‘just love yourself’ anymore, it’s not the same and it’s insensitive to say this. I’ve prayed so hard for it over the years but I am starting to believe that God genuinely hates me and doesn’t want me to be happy, that he will not grant me my deepest desire. It’s such a basic need and I don’t know why I am the only girl in the world that can’t have love, that doesn’t deserve it. I feel like I am constantly holding back tears over this, constantly, constantly trying to keep it together and maintain my sanity, and if I just let myself shed even one tear over how unlovable and alone I am, I won’t ever be able to stop wailing and howling with agony, I will sob until I drop dead. So I don’t let myself ever break down but it’s so draining and exhausting to live this way. I just want to be loved and held and understood. I feel being loved would heal me in so many ways, and would energize me, give me meaning and purpose, give me a reason to live one more day. Most days I genuinely don’t want to live anymore. I’m terrified to die but I don’t want to exist anymore. I fantasize about killing my self even though I know I could probably never go through with it.

I haven’t belonged anywhere or had anywhere to go for the past ten years. I know I am an evil girl for saying it, but I resent my sister for abandoning me ever since she got with her boyfriend and now fiancé almost ten years ago. Ever since then I have been entirely alone. At least before, it was always us two and we were best friends. At least we had each other. But I feel like I lost my best friend ten years ago. She has put him first ever since. She spends all of her free time with him, every weekend and holiday and special occasion. She tells him things that she doesn’t tell me. She has all these inside jokes with him and it’s like they have their own special little language and special little world that I have no place in. I feel like I just keep house for her while she spends all of her time with him, which doesn’t even matter anymore I guess since I am moving back home to my parent’s house in just a a few weeks but still, that was the reality for the past decade. Alone alone alone, I am always alone. I am so lonely I could rip my skin off. I want what she has, what every other woman has. I am such an ugly and bitter and jealous and resentful girl because I can’t have the one thing that every other girl has and takes for granted. Someone like me should have never been born. I’m such a mistake :’(

Alone alone alone, I am always alone. I am so lonely I could rip my skin off. I want what she has, what every other woman has. I am such an ugly and bitter and jealous and resentful girl because I can’t have the one thing that every other girl has and takes for granted. Someone like me should have never been born. I’m such a mistake :’(