#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thoughtsfromthevoid · 3 years

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Things my parents have said and done that terrify me (I have anxiety and depression, ADHD and currently have tics ((Or a Tourettes diagnosis they don't believe in)) from being so anxious all the time)-

-That if I keep coming home late (normally like 5-10ish minutes because traffic) I won't be allowed to go out at all. (I'm not even the one driving, and my friend(s) aren't doing anything to keep me out past that time.)

-"You're only the 357 thousandth teenager to pull the 'I'm down' all the time, its not going to change anything. Drama is drama." (Said because I've been severely depressed lately and not reacting to things like normal.)

-"There was a miscommunication between us (mom and dad) on what you're allowed to do at night." (Had to have me stop for a bit until I got on tic meds, it was very bad. Doctor told us to. I had been doing after school things and been on the meds for 2 weeks at that point)

- "Don't manipulate me into saying yes to things." (Accidentally said friends and I were going through the drive through at wrong restaurant which they wouldn't have said yes to)

-"Don't wake me up if the house is on fire." (Said not to me, but to other parent, out of frustration of being startled awake because they don't sleep well)

-Some more things I won't say on the internet

-Disagreed with my tourettes diagnosis so strongly because they didn't see the tics I referred to happening in the past and since they notice everything, it makes this invalid.

-Also said I don't have tics like others with tourettes and that they don't say random things and is more repeated and that I don't do that when I definitely do, said a wrong definition as well, even after research

-This morning I wasn't apparently allowed to talk when coming into the living room bc it didn't need to be said to them while cooking, not allowed to go in the kitchen at ALL during this time either

-Said every child who doesn't have to do the same amount of chores as me was a spoiled brat or had a ton of siblings when I was struggling with chores and schoolwork for a bit

-Constantly talks negatively about me behind my back to other parent thinking I can't hear when 90% of the time, I can, instead of having a conversation with me about it, its always me being in trouble. Also never sees my improvements and only the failures, it doesn't matter if im working to fix something until it's fixed

-Their autism being used as an excuse constantly as 'it just is this way' and whatever they saying always having to be the truth, even when it isn't. Its not the autism thats the problem, its the constant excuses because of it and toxic mindset and unwillingness to listen. They aren't the only neurodivergant one, I have ADHD. I struggle too. This doesn't seem to matter

-Getting upset when I talk too much and wanting me to be quiet, not wanting to know any of the details when im excited, even when its harmless, the overall frustration of it and wanting me to stop talking so often

-This is normally in effect especially when they are watching stupid (and passable) mindless tv, that I'm constantly triggered by. I constantly have to close my room door to not hear it while doing things like homework, is still always too loud, this is every day after school in the living room, or every weekend. I cant be in that room anymore basically because of it. They get frustrated when asked to pause it quite often, or when I ask for space when doing chores out there, because I hate them looming over me all the time, the TV also makes an unbearable noise for me recently as it is going to die soon of overuse, every time it is on, which stops me from watching basically anything out there or being in the room too long

-Not feeling comfortable enough to practice when parents are home because of looming, coming in while practicing when its not necessary, getting mad when i play things wrong and yelling across the house about it

-my room is my only space, one parent claims entire basement and sometimes I'm not allowed down there at all, even sometimes when I had to sleep down there to feel safe (unrelated issue but still) other parent has living room

-"I dont understand the want/need to go over there." Me asking to go to a friends house after school, everything needed to be done was done, after a really hard day and me feeling trapped in the house. Apparently I need a reason to go and hang out with friends. I do not feel safe going for walks or anything for other known reasons.

-Getting frustrated with my chair placement every concert in orchestra, never proud of me for anything like that either. (Or at least expressed to me) Makes me feel worse and worthless, to the point where I am considering quitting even though I love the instrument, the anxiety and depression now caused by these issues and pressures being put on me over the years is becoming unbearable. Pressure and anxiety lead to me quitting and hating piano after 8 years as well.

I'm really sick of being in trouble for things I can't control, or something I didn't do intentionally. If it was on purpose? Yeah, I get it. If it was something bad? Sure. I never do anything I think is bad, or know I'll get in trouble for. I don't want to be in trouble. I hate it. It makes me feel very afraid. I wish they would trust me more. I know my mental health is bad, but I'm not actively trying to do things wrong, and I do actively try to fix my mistakes. I wish they would really listen when I tell them these things, even be a little more lenient. I wish I was good enough, I really do try. I love my parents so much, they can be so very much amazing, but they can be toxic to me too. Even if the intent isn't there, it still is harmful. It makes me feel mentally unsafe in this household. I don't know whats going to be taken away at any moment. At least I feel that way. I want to move out. I really do.

#2 am thoughts #2 am writing #thoughts #adhd #neurodivergent #depression tw #anxiety tw #actually adhd #vent post #vent #rant #rant post #long post #frustrated #frustration #family tw #tics tw #ask to tag

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dadbodsarehot · 5 years

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comfort;

rating: general - mentions of alcohol use

pairing: paljack ( pal x bojack )

words: 764

summary: ya boy caught the depression and wrote.. whatever the fuck this is please do NOT bully me i will cry and it will be embarassing for both of us. also this style is weird for m e but i sorta just... vomited it out lmao here you go

dont ask me when this takes place season wise i have no idea. two maybe?? i dont know its 4 am

Even after all this time, BoJack doesn't know what to do when you're sad. It's obvious in his posture, in the droop of his ears and his shoulders and the way his hands screw nervously together in between episodes of Horsin' Around and mostly failed attempts to make you laugh, when it's just the both of you and the comparative silence of a credits sequence and he seems to be torn between reaching for you or more alcohol.

It's fine, because you don't particularly know what you want him to do about you being sad either.

Maybe it's nothing; maybe there is nothing anyone can do. Haven't you always been broken, not quite happy enough with the life you were given? Haven't you always missed a home that didn't belong to you? Longed for the moment you would stop worrying about being happy and simply experience it? Longed for a life like the one in his show, brightly colored and happy and loving?

Longing is coded into the fabric of who you are in a way that is inexorable from your own DNA, a dark thread that finds its way into the tapestries of even your sunniest days.

That's just the way it is, the way it always has been and always will be.

You wish it didn't have a tendency to become so unbearable.

The ring on your finger reminds you that this is your place, too, and yet....you still feel like a visitor, here. Like you don't quite belong, just like you haven't belonged anywhere your whole life.

The living room is dark, the flashing lights of the TV and the moonlight pouring in through the wall of windows glinting off the scattered mess of beer cans adorning the plush carpet like a monument to the trailer you grew up in. You've had one or four or six, too many or not enough. He keeps handing them to you and you've lost count and it doesn't matter, even if the room tilts on it's axis and you begin to blur the BoJack on the screen with the one merely an arms length away from you.

Even in the dark, you feel his eyes on you, watching in between bouts of watching himself. You wish you knew what you looked like to him, what about you drew his eyes away from his own glory days.

You hope he doesn't ever figure out that you aren't worth looking at.

There's a shift of weight on the couch, an uncoordinated shuffling and the sound of empty beer cans being knocked over- a warm, thin piece of fabric drapes itself over your shoulders. His jacket, you realize; he isn't wearing it, now, and he's so much closer, looking at you with the same worry and anxiety you can still see in hands that take care not to alight on your body for too long-- like he's afraid to break you.

You can't resist the urge to bury your face into the collar, to inhale the scent of him; tobacco and alcohol and cologne that you only know you can afford because you once bought a bottle to spray your pillow with at your old apartment.

You didn't realize you had been crying until you pulled it away wet.

Carefully, you pull it on; it's much too big, spilling around your hips and concealing your hands in the sleeves, but that's the point. It's his and you're his, and even if he can't fix you, he has his own way of making you feel less broken. The alcohol is spinning in your head and the warmth is spinning in your chest and the dread is spinning in your stomach, and before you know it you're moving even closer to him, pressing your face into his soft neck and winding your hand into a death-grip on his sweater as your sobs overtake your body.

You can feel him freeze at this, the unexpected contact or your sudden breakdown startling him- even though you realize now he's been watching for it all night- but he's got an arm around you before you can pull away and apologize. He's had more than you tonight, but his tolerance is better than yours; his touch is hardly even unsteady when it smooths unsurely at the fabric on your back.

Eventually, when the show starts up again, you feel more than hear him hum the theme song, and you don't know whether he's doing it for you, to calm your dwindling sobs, or just out of simple nostalgia.

But you savor the moment anyway.

#my writing #back in the 90s #god this is awful #im so sorry you all have to look at it #but i feel a little better after writing it #so thats a plus right

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reignmyworld · 6 years

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Kiss from a Rose SongFic - Roman Reigns x Reader

Summary: You and Roman used to be roommates and close friends during your college times. When an accident destroys his dream of becoming a famous football player, you are by his side, trying your best to help him through his depression and melancholy. You hoped that he would find a new meaning in his life, making it worth living, which he eventually did - a meaning, that caught you by surprise.

Warnings: College AU, hurt, comfort, fluff

Pairing: Roman Reigns x Reader

Note: Nonny, I’m so sorry that it took so long to write this songfic. Should you still read this blog, I hope that you like it and that it meets your expectations somehow. :-)

Request: “Can u do a songfic based on the song kiss from a rose by Seal? 😱❤️❤️??” by anonymous

Seal - Kiss from a rose

Tag List: @queenofthearchitect @trixdeee @calwitch @alexisbagans143 @the-queens-reign @mermaid-at-heart @taryndibiase @kingslayers-reign @scuzmunkie @vebner37 @nikora3010 @aria725 @ashhdaniellee95 @roman-hetfield @lustyromantic @i-dont-care-i-ship-it-69

There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.

You became the light on the dark side of me. Love remained a drug that’s the high and not the pill. But did you know, that when it snows, My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

*Years ago in college*

He couldn’t believe that this had happened to him, couldn’t believe that one tiny mistake could have such a severe impact on his life, his future, his passion and yet it did. One tiny moment of not paying attention… well not exactly. Rather one tiny moment of misjudgment. One moment of guessing the next move of the other team’s player wrong. One moment, that changed his life for him. Roman was sitting on his bed, still trying to process what the doctor had been telling him a few days before he had been released from the hospital . He was throwing his football from his left hand to his right and back, repeating it several times while he once again relived that terrible moment in his life, that ended his career.

It was during one of the most important games of the last semester, basically the whole college was there to watch it. Roman had been beyond hyped, knowing that they were all grasping for the victory, they wanted to celebrate at the end of this game. The clock was ticking down, there were just a few seconds left to decide the game and he was well aware how important his role was, how much everyone counted on him, counted on him to lead his team to victory. He knew that those few seconds could also decide about his future, his career as there was a rather important talent scout in the audience, that could have opened a door for him in the major league, making it possible for him to play for his favorite team. Seconds, that he needed to make it possible for his teammate to do the final touchdown. But in the end it would have been seconds that marked the last time before his career would have been over before it actually started.

He knew that the player from the opposite team didn’t want to hurt him on purpose, didn’t want to harm him in any way and he knew quite well how tough of a sport football could be, that you weren’t allowed to show any mercy while you were out there trying to win that game. Knew it, as he had been in a position quite some time before where he wasn’t supposed to show any mercy either. And yet he would have never expected that he would have to face such a fatal fate. When his opponent crashed into him, he didn’t realize what was going on at first, shrugging it of as a normal tackle, that sent him to the floor. But it only took him seconds to realize that it was not only that, seconds for the pain to explode like a firework. He crashed down on the floor, realizing only then that the painful yell was escaping his own lips.

The next thing he realized was the terrible angle his knee was located in. Everything in him screamed that it didn’t look right and yet it took him a moment until his brain was able to process the words that his inner voice screamed at him. It was that moment that it hit him with full force, that moment he realized that he must have broken his kneecap. The pain was almost unbearable and it was only his determined will, that stopped him from passing out immediately. The voice screaming in pain seemed to be so distant and yet he knew that it was his own. Everything afterwards was kind of blurred and he only knew from stories he was told, what had happened.

He had been carried from the field in order to be rushed to the hospital. The game ended after a few minutes, that everyone needed to move on from the shock, in the other team’s favor, all while Roman was brought to the emergency for surgery, the surgeons doing their best to repair the damage, doing their best to somehow repair his kneecap, so he would be able to play again. And at first they were pretty positive, that he could return one day, that he could play again although it would take months, even years of therapy. But they were wrong. He somehow knew it in advance, somehow was certain of that the moment he awoke after the surgery and his parents, that were by his side, told him what had happened. But he wanted to believe that the doctors were right, wanted to believe that he could return to the football field one day and follow his passion. Believed contrary to his own gut feeling. And now…

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray. Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah. And now that your rose is in bloom. A light hits the gloom on the gray. There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say. You remain, my power, my pleasure, my pain, Baby, to me you’re like a growing addiction that I can’t deny. Won’t you tell me is that healthy, baby? But did you know, that when it snows, My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Well now he was sitting in his room, the pain in his knee still omnipresent and the football he was holding in his hands was the only thing, that was left behind from his former life. Although the doctors were certain, that he would heal completely, they nevertheless had to inform him that they were wrong, that their predictions were far from being accurate. The breakage in his kneecap was more severe than they would have guessed in the first place, the healing process taking longer than expected and a few days before he got released from hospital he was told the news, that he feared most. That he wouldn’t be able to play football ever again. In that moment part of his world shattered, knowing that the life he knew up until now was over the way it used to be. And to make it even worse, he was informed that the talent scout wanted to offer him a contract, wanted to sign him even before he saw him on the field that day. That, of course, was before his knee cap shattered and his career was over before it actually started.

And now Roman was sitting on his bed in that little college apartment, he had rented, staring at the wall or at the ceiling for a change and pitying himself, not knowing what he should do with his life now, knowing that its initial purpose was gone, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do anymore what he loved doing. He had no idea how often he had been breaking down until this day, how many tears he had shed while he was alone in his room at the hospital, how many tantrums he had thrown back in his room, cursing his knee, himself and the player, that crashed into him, although he knew that he didn’t do it on purpose but that it was a stupid accident, that could have happened to anyone.

Knowing all of this didn’t make it better, however. „Fuck it.“, he screamed as he tossed the football in his hands against the wall with all of the force he could bring up in that moment, the ball smashing against it with a loud thud. Just moments later he could hear a careful knocking, followed by your voice as you wanted to know: „You’re alright, Ro?“ He took a deep breath, answering: „Yeah I’m alright.“

„Do you mind if I come in?“

„No, it’s okay.“

You carefully opened the door, stepping into his room, that usually was cleaned up all the time but right now it couldn’t have been any messier and you couldn’t really blame him. It pained you seeing your roommate and one of your closest friends if not your best one like that. He was sitting on his bed, his damaged leg resting on a pile of pillows while he was staring at the wall, that spotted a huge hole. When your eyes shifted over to it, you saw the football lying at the floor in front of it and you didn’t need to be a visionary to know what must have happened.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray. Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah Now that your rose is in bloom. A light hits the gloom on the gray. I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray, I’ve been kissed by a rose on the gray, …And if I should fall along the way I’ve been kissed by a rose …been kissed by a rose on the gray.

Roman and yourself got to know each other on your first day of college, him being one of the first people to talk to you. You were still grateful, that he had started a conversation with you as you were rather scared that day. Everything kind of overwhelmed you and since your friends all headed to different colleges you were pretty alone that day. You weren’t having full anxiety attacks in the past, but being there that day among all of those people, that you didn’t know, with places you had no idea where to head to, well, you felt kind of lost. And back then you were pretty sure that you would have a hard time getting used to that new life here. It was not that you didn’t trust yourself that you could do it. It was simply the unknown future, that scared you, knowing that you had to start anew with all kinds of friendships and talking to people was nothing, that was too hard for you but you didn’t necessarily love it other.

When Roman started a conversation with you that day, basically being in the same position as you were with being all by himself, you at least got to know one person rather fast although you were aware, that he probably had no problem with gaining a circle of friends within a short time. Fast forwarded you wouldn’t have thought at first that you got along so great in the end, that you even decided to become roommates and you couldn’t have asked for a better one. Apart from that, there were also some lessons you were sitting in together and although your and his lifestyle as well as your interests differed to a certain degree, there was nevertheless some things you had in common, about which you could talk for hours.

Seeing your friend as desperate as he was now, hurt you more than you could have said. You knew how much he loved football, knew how hard he was aiming for being able to sign with a talent scout and get big in the NFL and yet he was sitting here now, his dream shattered into 1000 of pieces. You knew how much devastation he was feeling as thinking of not pursuing your dream any longer would have tossed you in a deep hole just like it did with him. You took a deep breath before you entered his room, carefully closing the door behind you. You hesitated for a second before you moved over to him, sitting down on the free space on his bed right next to him, your shoulder touching his before you stared at the hole on the opposite side of the room. “New form of anger management?”, you wanted to know with him chuckling before you could hear his deep voice say: “I think so, yeah."

Although you managed to amuse him for a bit, you could clearly hear the deep sadness in his voice. You knocked with your shoulder against his, before you focused on him, a sad smile on your lips as you said: "I know that you probably don’t want to hear that now, especially when taking into consideration that it was you dream to become a professional football player one day, but usually when one door closes another happens to open. As much as it might suck now, I’m pretty sure that you’re going your way and who knows, maybe along the way, there’s something you enjoy even more than football and with time passing you might look back and be happy for the turn your life took in that moment, even if you don’t know it as of now."

"You’re doing a rather lousy job with your motivational speech, you’re aware of that, aren’t you?"

"Well it was worth a try. Sitting here the whole day, thinking of things, that could have been but weren’t supposed to be, doesn’t exactly help you either, you know? I just want you to not fully lose yourself in that deep hole you are stuck in currently. I just haven’t figured out yet how to pull you out of it.”, you answered with Roman holding your gaze, letting your words sink in. After a few moments of silence he replied: “I appreciate your concern, Y/N, I really do. And I promise you that I will be fine eventually. But right now nothing makes sense. The one thing I had been dreaming of, I had been aiming to achieve, that one thing was ripped out right of my hands. To be honest, at the moment I have no idea what to do with my life. I know that it must sound nuts that a sport can be so important, but… I have no idea how to explain it. It feels as if I don’t have any perspective any longer and that not only drives me mad, but also scares me to the bone. The future, I had dreamed of, just got completely erased and now I have nothing."

"I can understand you, I really do. And I know that it must be so incredibly hard to accept it and to somehow adjust to it. But I need you to understand that your life isn’t over even though it seems to be at this point.”

“I know that, Y/N. And I’m really grateful for you caring so much. And I can assure you that I’m not jumping from the next best roof, but… well… I guess I just need time to somehow get used to it.” You studied his face, trying to decide whether he indeed wasn’t in a position, where he could end up harming himself. You knew, that your friend was strong and you were pretty sure that he was honest with you, but being as deep in that pitch black hole as he currently was, well… you just wanted to rule out the worst.

After a few moments you nodded your head, mumbling: “I just need you to promise me that you are going to talk to me whenever you feel like that desperation is overwhelming you, will you?” Roman could tell how important it was to you that he would stay safe, so he nodded his head, a small smile on his face as he answered, pulling you into a little hug while doing so: “I promise, Y/N. I promise.” You smiled at him before you said, trying to lighten the mood: “How about we catch up on our favorite show? They are having a marathon currently and since, despite your skills, you obviously made sure to miss the television, we still have that luxury.” You managed to make him laugh out loud as he agreed to doing so and within a few minutes you placed a bowl full of popcorn between the both of you, being trapped in your favorite show just shortly after.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say. You remain, my power, my pleasure, my pain. To me you’re like a growing addiction that I can’t deny, yeah Won’t you tell me is that healthy, baby. But did you know, that when it snows, My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

The next weeks basically were one huge rollercoaster ride for Roman with as many ups as there were downs. His knee was still hurting like hell and although he tried to adjust to the fact, that football was done with him for good, he found himself in a deep melancholy on a regular basis, found himself drifting away from social life, not wanting to see anyone, especially not his teammates although they were good friends to him. But seeing them just reminded him even more of what he had to give up due to his accident. You tried your best to lift your roommate’s spirits, tried your best to help him through therapy, that he had started in the meantime to ensure, that he would get full movement of his knee back eventually. And you hated to see him suffer like that, hated that you couldn’t do anything to make any of this better as you could completely imagine how hard it must have been for him accepting, that he wouldn’t be able to live the dream ,that he had been chasing for so long, anymore. You would have lied if you said, that there wasn’t a certain sadness in your apartment ever since that accident happened and you could not think of a way to push it away, no matter how hard you tried.

It was one of those days, where Roman came home from his physical therapy more depressed than when he had left. It was not that he didn’t make any improvements, quite the contrary actually, since he was able to walk for a limited amount of time per day without crutches already, but for him, it simply was not fast enough, the improvements he had been making until now were not enough for his liking, were not enough with regard to what he was expecting from himself.

You were currently in the tiny kitchen of your shared apartment, making something to eat for yourself respectively having added the double amount of required ingredients as you were sure that Roman wouldn’t say no when you offered him something as well, when he fell down on one of the chairs in front of the tiny table. You could hear his frustrated sigh and as you turned around you noticed that he had buried his head in his hands. „How was your therapy?“, you wanted to know with him grunting: „Therapy was good but I’m not making any improvements.“

„Ro, you are able to walk without your crutches for a certain amount of time per day. After the severe injury you had suffered and for the limited amount of time you are in therapy now, that is quite some improvement. Don’t be so hard on yourself all the time. Injuries like that simply need their time to heal.“ He lifted his head, his dark brown eyes changing between angry and sad, when he answered: „It just is not fast enough for my liking, Y/N. I feel like a complete no-good. I can’t do any sports, my movement is limited, I can’t even go on any trips as I know that my knee doesn’t want to work the way I want it to. Even sitting in lectures is painful with more and more time passing by. I want to be able to move it, I want to be able to put full weight on it. I want it to go back to normal. I know, that I will never be able to play football again, although I’m still not willing to accept it, but at least I want to feel like a full functioning person again. So no, the improvements I have made are not good enough. It’s not going fast enough and no matter how severe the injury was, I expected it to be better by now. So please don’t give me that „everything will be fine“ motivational speech.“ You crooked an eyebrow, turning back to the pot in front of you, stirring what was in it while you stated: „You sound like a little kid throwing a tantrum, you are aware of that aren’t you?“

„And I have every right to do so. It’s not you having to deal with the consequences of that injury, is it?“ He knew, that he was unfair and he certainly didn’t want to put the blame on you as he knew that it was you, that was by his side all the time, that lifted his spirits whenever he was so depressed that he thought that there was no sense in continuing with his life anymore, knew that it was you, that spent hours in the night by his side, just talking and listening to him when he felt like crying. That it was you, that was his rock in a stormy sea, that gave him perspectives, when he thought that there weren’t any, that always had his back no matter how dark it looked like. That it was you, his best friend, that was there for him, no matter what and he couldn’t even thank you enough for that, couldn’t thank you enough for keeping him going. But in that moment, he just couldn’t show it, he just couldn’t be grateful as he was too deep in self pitying himself than to admit that you were right.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray. Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah Now that your rose is in bloom, A light hits the gloom on the gray.

You took a deep breath before you put the spoon aside, turning down the temperature on the oven and turning back around so you could face him before you moved over, sitting down next to him and locking eyes with him. You remained silent for a few moments before you replied calmly: „You are right. I’m not the one having to deal with it. But I am the one, that tried to build you up ever since thad had happened. I’m the one, that tried her best to pull you out of that deep black hole you found yourself in. I’m the one, that had to see you suffer like that, knowing that I can’t help you no matter how hard I try. And I’m the one, that has never given up on you, that has never shrugged the state of mind you were in off, but that took you serious in every way possible. And I know, that you have every right to be mad, that you have every right to ask why it was you, why your dream vanished into thin air. But Ro… you are not the only one. Every day people all around the world have to give up their dreams for various reasons. Every day people all around the world are facing way worse fates, than the one you are confronted with. So yes, I completely understand you and I wished that you still had the life in front of you, that you wanted to pursue, but maybe, just maybe, you should let it happen for your own peace that you consider a different path in your life. That you try to stop putting football first and really think of different options, that might be already there but you are way too stubborn to see and accept now. I’m sorry for what you have to go through, I really am. But I’m not your punching bag. And I can’t do anything than to be by your side, to help you the best I can and to show you the possibilities you might have in your life. But you have to let that happen, have to accept it to a certain degree. And if you don’t want my help, at least tell me, so I can stop trying.“

He had been listening closely, hadn’t interrupted you once throughout your monologue and now it was you waiting for his reaction. You didn’t pressure him, didn’t even expect him to reply much, so you just sat there, getting lost in his gaze while you tried to figure out the different emotions washing over his face, tried to decide which one would win in the end. You couldn’t tell how much time had passed but when Roman moved his chair back, getting up as best as his knee let him, you tried to suppress the sigh of defeat. You knew that your roommate could be stubborn but you actually thought that you were on a good way of getting him back to normal. His reaction now caused you to accept the defeat, that you feared so much.

Your eyes followed his every movement, you tried to decide whether you should hold him back, tried to decide whether you should tell him that you didn’t mean to sound harsh but he probably would just walk out the room, slamming the door behind him once he had reached his own room. So you just remained silent, waited for him to walk out, showing you that way that your efforts didn’t meet fertile ground. When he stopped in front of you, you braced yourself for an answer, that you probably didn’t want to hear. Nevertheless you wouldn’t let him know how much it would hurt you if you had to learn that you weren’t the one, that could help him, that you weren’t the one, that could lift his spirits enough, that he would find a new profession he could pursue, even if it would take some time. You stared up at his face, his eyes not leaving yours for just a moment.

Yes, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.

Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah.

And now that your rose is in bloom

A light hits the gloom on the gray

Before you could say something, before you had the chance to take back what you had said, you felt his strong grip around your arm as he was pulling you up from your chair. You had no idea what was going on, wanting to protest immediately but before you could do so, you felt yourself being pressed against his body, his lips landing softly on yours. Roman was kissing you gently while his left hand rested on your lower back, his right gently caressing your cheek, not giving you much room to move your head. You were taken by surprise, not really knowing what you should do. Feeling his lips on yours, being held in his arms was nothing you would have complained about but it simply hit you out of the blue, it was absolutely unexpected. Silencing the little voice in the back of your head, you wrapped your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss while doing so, parting your lips slightly so he could push his tongue in slowly.

You were responding to his sweet kiss right away, holding him close, drawing little circles on the back of his neck. As you broke apart Roman was resting his forehead against yours, both of you just enjoying the moment you currently found yourself in. You were the first one to find your voice again as you whispered: „What was that?“

„My way of showing you that I am more than just grateful for everything you had done for me since that accident had happened. You were right with everything you were saying except for one thing.“, he whispered, his thumb slowly stroking over your lips as you whispered: „What thing?“ He smiled at you before he placed another sweet kiss on your lips, responding quietly: „I have already found a new meaning in life. And that meaning is you. You’re probably not feeling the same and I’m sorry if I have taken you by surprise by that, but I haven’t found the courage to tell you or show you how much you mean to me before as I didn’t want to destroy what we had. But now… I don’t know, it just seemed the right thing to do.“

He gave you a shy smile, obviously waiting for your response. He was right, you were indeed taken by surprise. Never would you have expected that he felt more for you, never would you have dared to hope that you could have been anything more than one of his closest friends. Never would you have hoped, that he felt the same way for you like you did for him, although you would have never told him. Have you wished for it? Of course. Have you hoped? Absolutely. Have you thought that he did? Absolutely not. You returned his smile, pulling his head down, kissing him gently while he pulled you closer, getting lost completely in your touch.

When you broke apart again, you whispered: „I wished I had known sooner. But I guess I was just as afraid to let you know as you were.“ Roman smiled down at you, slowly processing what you had just confessed to him. „I’m just glad, that I know now.“, he whispered as well before his lips captured yours once again.

Now that your rose is in bloom,

A light hits the gloom

On the gray.

*Currently*

„A penny for your thoughts.“, you mumbled as you hugged your husband from behind, who had just placed a replica of the Universal title, that he recently won, on a vacant space on the cupboard, that held his belts. You heard his deep chuckle, feeling his rough palms rubbing over your bare arms, turning around in them shortly after, causing you to face his chest before you lifted your head so you could stare into his eyes, that were so full of warmth and love. „I was just thinking back to that terrible accident, that did cost me my profession in football. And those beautiful weeks, months and years after leading to this moment here. You were right, you know? When one door closes, another one indeed opens. I would have never expected my life to turn out the way it did. And there is only one person I have to thank for that and that is my beautiful wife, that I’m holding in my arms currently.“, you could hear his deep voice, causing you to smile brightly.

He was right. Not only his accident but also that moment in the kitchen back in your student apartment, where he told you that you were his new meaning in life, changed your and his life forever. You started dating back then and although Roman still had his ups and downs due to his destroyed dream, he nevertheless learned to look on the bright side, knowing that you would be by his side no matter what turn his life would be taking. Both of you graduated from college and by that time, his knee was back to a condition, where he could make use of it completely again.

Due to his family background he soon found himself setting foot in the family business and years from that moment, he was not only married to you, the love of his life, but he also made himself known in the wrestling industry, having won all of the titles, that he possibly could, being one of the biggest stars the company was employing. You wrapped your hands around his neck, holding him close to you as you felt his fingertips follow your spine, sending shivers down it. „I’m glad that you eventually found that meaning in your life, that you were looking for back then.“, you whispered with Roman shaking his head as he leaned down to capture your lips in a sweet kiss, before he whispered into your ear: „No baby girl. I have found my meaning in life the day I met you on our first day of college. Everything else is just what I love doing. But I wouldn’t feel that way about it if I had to experience all of that without you. So thank you for saving me back then, for being my rock in a stormy sea, for becoming the light on the dark side of me.“ You could feel that you were close to tearing up as you whispered, your voice heavy with emotion: „I love you“ with Roman giving you one of his sweetest smiles, whispering: „I love you too, baby girl.“

Before you could say anything else you felt his soft lips on yours once again. Sometimes the meaning in one’s life was right in front of their eyes, even when it might have been covered. You were just as glad as Roman, that you both have found it that early in your life and you were both determined to hold on to it for as much time as the both of you were given together.

#roman reigns fanfiction #roman reigns x reader #roman reigns #roman reigns x you #roman reigns x y/n #roman reigns fanfic #roman reigns story #roman reigns songfic #hurt #comfort #fluff #roman reigns hurt #roman reigns comfort #roman reigns fluff

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terryblycute · 4 years

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2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

#long post #suicide tw #negative #corona tw #idk what to tag #2020

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basstoad · 7 years

Text

Sad Boy: The Musical

So i got some brain problems and im working on getting them fixed and i just kinda want to say some stuff about it. but TL;DR: If you are feeling sad or anxious or anything that is affecting your life and productivity or happiness please go talk to a doctor or therapist or even just some guy because it will help i promise you. Heres the whole thing under this break

2 weeks ago i had a low period. I get these a lot. Things i normally am ok with doing suddenly seem unbearable. I can’t think about anything. I don’t want to. I go from gray neutral right to the bottom of this valley of sadness. And every time i get out of it im not as good as i was before. Its a slow and constant degradation of myself.

I have never felt joy. Real joy. At least not lasting more than a few moments. I have felt content or ok but never happy. I cant think of a time i felt happy. I can only think of things that make me happy.

I have, for the entirety of my waking life, existed in a neutral idling state somewhere just above bare minimum effort. A grey area where nothing is bad but nothing is good. I do what i need to do and nothing more. I only get things done if i feel as though i am obligated or required to. Anything I want to do is pushed away or not done due to fear or self loathing or just not caring. I feel like, emotionally, like a wet towel. I don’t really don’t know what a genuine emotional response feels like. I feel like everything i feel is fake. When I am presented with a stimuli that should evoke a certain emotional response, I am aware of what I should be feeling but I don’t feel it. I have also never been excited for anything. Or motivated. Ideas of things I want to do or make excite me, but that excitement never turns into motivation. There are so many things i want to make and learn and try out but I never can bring myself to do it. Ill be interested in something for a brief period of time but then i fall off and never want to look at it again. I dont know what is really causing this. It could be depression, it could be the ADD i was diagnosed with in middle school. I could be something else but that’s why im going to a doctor now.

I called my old doctor and she gave me a recommendation and I made an appointment. It took me a few days to do this because I hate phone calls, but eventually I got one scheduled. The doctor was very nice and she never tried to suggest i was feeling something else or deny what i was feeling. They aren’t going to shame you or make you feel bad. I feel like thats a fear a lot of people have when talking to a doctor about how they feel. You cant measure something like that, at least not easily. Explaining how your brain sees the world sometimes feels like trying to explain how the color of chocolate sounds. Finding the words and phrasing of how you feel is complicated, because thinking is a complicated thing in of itself. Your brain is basically a meat computer that is aware its a meat computer. The doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant, which i started last week. Ive been on it for about 4 days now, and while i don’t feel any different yet it takes about 2 weeks for your body to begin processing the new chemical you are introducing to it. Maybe this one wont work, maybe it will. Maybe I will only need it for a few years or maybe the rest of my life. Either way, I just couldn’t continue feeling gray.

What i want to say with this post is that you don’t have to continue feeling like a dumpster fire all the time. There are resources to help you everywhere. If you’re in the US, you could probably locate a local clinic that offers cheap or even free exams. Some therapist centers are sliding scale which means that the amount you pay is based on your income. sometimes it can even be free. I would provide some resources, but whats available is different in most parts of the country so you might have to do some research. Even if you cant find a doctor, just talking to someone is a good starting point. They could help you become aware of what you feel, and help you make conclusions that you wouldn’t come to on your own. I have felt this way for so long that I know exactly what I am doing because of this thing that is affecting me, but it took my years to figure it out alone. But theres hope. You don’t deserve to feel like that, no one does. You deserve to be able to be happy and live life to the fullest and do that thing you wanna do. So yeah thats all i got thank u.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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im honestly so much better than i thought i was.

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant.

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy.

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels.

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade.

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked.

no. listen.

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much.

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing.

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either.

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you.

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head.

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them.

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright.

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it.

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth.

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene”

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs.

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself.

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much?

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high.

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money.

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine.

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him.

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month.

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do.

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy.

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go.

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful.

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death.

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that.

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that.

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aesthetic-yehet · 7 years

Text

I wish I never got an abortion..

Hey whoever reads this..

It may help you or someone else, you may even feel like this doesnt apply to you, but I just have to get it off my chest. I will go over my story and things girls in my previous situation really shouldn't do and what you should :)

My circumstances were at the time was, I was 16, had no qualifications, didnt have any type of job or type of income towards my name. I was dependant on my mother. I was also a very reckless person. Fucking whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted, doing things I shoudn't of. But on the other side of things I was very good academically and had a fairly good amount of friends.

Obviously I got pregnant...briefly after my 16th birthday..lol. I had a feeling I was pregnant 2 days before my period started, I told the guy and he was like dont say that, dont worry about it too much your period will come. Next thing you know, 2 weeks later my friend steals 3 pregnancy tests for me and they all come out positive.

So Im like fuuuuucckk on the inside, but on the outside I was extremely calm, it was a bit worrying to others. So I called my cousin after and I told her my situation. I feel like people would question why not tell my mum. Well one shes black, two shes come from an extremely strict Caribbean background, so they way she approaches situations is not really to my liking. (I would basically shit myself and I know I would get kicked out if I had any guts to tell her). My cousin and I then the two days after went to a hospital and finally confirmed I was pregnant. Funny fact: When I went to the hospital, well the clinic part of it, the "guy" was there, not like as if he knew it was just a coincidence that we ended sitting in the same waiting room.

I discussed with my cousin at first about what I was going to do. I was certain that I was going to keep the baby. I hated abortions with a passion. How hypocritical of me. I am against abortions but thats for me, that my personal opinion. It doesnt mean that I hate other people that do it, they can go ahead its none of my business. But for me it never really sat well, I didnt like the idea of it. And neither did my cousin. She said she was going to support me and help me get temporary accomadation if I was to get kicked out. I was going to research to continue onwards with further educations alongside having a child at a very young age. You know the whole dingle-bingle.

later that night, I called the "guy" and I told him straight up. And at first he was ok with it. He was like hes not going to force me to do anything and he left it at that. So I was a bit relieved that he said that instead of saying get rid of it. Considering the other reactions to similar situations, the boys I know, they'd straight up get theyre niggas and beat the girl to the pulp to kill the baby. And really and truly that "guy" was extremely capable of doing that but he chose not to.

So a few days pass and I'm really happy but worried at the same time. I had told certain friends, which led to my whole school knowing. One thing that shouldnt be done no matter hooooow big mouthed you are. Dont fucking trust anyone because...just no. So that really wasnt comfortable with me. People asking questions, it was very overwhelming. Plus at the same time dealing with my depression and anxiety, it just didnt add up well. Definitely one sitaution a pregnant women shouldnt go through.

So..later after school finished. Im at home and the guy calls pissed because everyone knew. And everyone could connect it back to him because we had a history. Like everyone had an idea that we was fucking. I feel like it was embarassing for him because he was in Year 13 and I was in Year 11. So then I was apologetic for opening my mouth to certain people that I had trusted. So he then continued onwards to saying "I think you should get the abortion." I was so gutted but I was also thinking about it. He proceeded to explain that he again wasnt forcing me but he was presenting me the situation on both sides of the spectrum. For both me and him. He explained that for me, It wouldve been hard to do my gcses because I wouldve been atleast 5 months, I would probably get kicked out, my life would come to a halt as I would need to take care of a baby, I wouldnt be able to pursue a career I wanted because of the huge responsibility. For him, the fact that he was from a muslim background wouldve make his family put him to shame once they found out and either way regardless if he didnt want to look after the baby he'd have to. I then told him that I dont need him. Considering my background of not really having a father figure I definitely felt like I could look after a baby on my own. He proceeded to say that he'd need to support me plus going to uni. But then again he said hes not going to force me. At this point if I was to put it into a percentage Abortion 5% / Keep the baby 95%

After that talk, talks with him got more frequent as he tried to persuade me to get an abortion. He told me bout single mothers at my age that are addicted to drugs and consdiering where we lived it wasnt a good area to bring up a baby. He told me about how he sees so much potential in me and that this situation would just stop it and distract me from becoming successful. And I completely understood where he was coming from. I wasnt going to be irrational and refuse to listen to his arguements. I then thought about it to myself and I just reached the decision that because he made more sense I would get the abortion. I mean how would I support myself and a child, provide food and shelter and continue in education. It all seemed impossible to me. But then there was me saying that because I put myself in that situation I must take responsibility and that god would never make me go through something I couldnt handle. So at the this moment the table have turned and I was now 100% abortion.

I told my cousin about my change in decision and she was extremely upset and told me that when I do decide to do it that she didnt want to be present. Which was completely understanding. So I told my sister and because she was in a similar situation to mine when she was 16, she was able to help me. Which is what I advise to any women that wants to get an abortion is to never go through with it alone, regardless if you think you're a heartless person, make sure someone is supporting you some how. I then told my mentor at school, and she was trying to tell me not to get it but I was certain that I was going to get. Another thing, telling a teacher figure, isnt a bad idea. It really should be a teacher or someone along those lines that you know you have a good relationship with or you know is a helpful person. I dont know how much I preached to my mentor not to tell anyone that would tell my mum. So she had to abide by that. I got through the whole process of getting an appointment to discuss what would happen. To making the appointment for the abortion. Organising who would go with me. And in the mean time I was going through complications at about 2 months. There was a chance that I was going through an abdominal pregnancy due to pains I was experiencing. Luckily that wasnt the case and I was just stressing way to much.

So before the day of the abortion, the guy and me talk and he sounded relieved that I was going to get the abortion. He said to me that he would even come with me, to the clinic so that I wouldnt go through it alone. I briefly felt happy about me decision because he was happy. (I hope you see what Im getting at).

I was out of most of my lessons, talking with my mentors, I really did take advantage of that but constantly talking to someone instead of me overthinking about it and getting even more depressed was really helpful. Dont get me wrong I had many of my close friends supporting me, regardless of my decisions.

So the day of the abortion, I go with my auntie, I get my test done for STDS. That was clear. I get a scan. This was the most offputting thing to see. I literally fucked up my brain. The lady printed out the picutre and I saw the baby. That was in my body, in a uterus. I felt some type of connection but I quickly tried to push it aside. I know now at that moment I shouldve walked out the door. But I stayed. So then my sister had to come because my aunty had to go somewhere and it finally came to the point of taking the pills.

I'm not a doctor so I dont know the names but the procedure was to insert three or four pills up the vagina and thats it. I did that procedure because I couldnt go through the vaccuming method, just no. So as soon as I left the clinic small pains were coming through. And the pain killers that I was given wasnt no paracetomol, it was codeine. So I knew that I was gonna go through a shit amount of pain. The method I went through was inducing a miscarrage. My sister put me on the train I could go back home and I sit and process what I had just done. I was around about 20 people trying not to cry but tears was just falling out my eyes. I wish I couldve gone back and not inserted those pills. Before I got to my stop I just thought to myself its done now just leave it now. So I get home now and I need to pee. And a gush a blood just came. And I was curious so I looked at the toilet and I saw the placenta. As if it was ripped out of me. So I processed it again, I was basically flushing my baby down the toilet. Like wtf right? At this point the pain was just unbearable. I couldnt even stand. I was sitting on the toilet for a good hour before I went to lay down in my bed.I didnt want to move but I had to pick up my niece. The walk to my nieces school from my house was about 5 minutes and I had to beg one of the parents at the club to drive me home and help me inside.

Quickly I took the pills and the pain calmed down. My mum thought I was going through a period. The school let me take off as much time as I wanted. Even though I was offered counselling I declined. I shouldve accepted but I felt like I needed to go through this alone. I only talked to the guy once after. I literally felt like I was in a box. I took about 3 weeks off school. Pain for me lasted about 1 week to 2 before my actual period started. So I was in and out of hospital because the pain normally supposed to last 4 days. Nothing was wrong with me so I felt like it was God punishing me with more pain. And that was it.

After that, I acted like it never happened. Tried to continue on with life but my life was just going downhill before my eyes.If youre wondering I passed my GCSES and got 6 A-C.That was literally the only positive. And to me my life is still going downhill at this moment. Briefly after healing up, I got exposed multiple times, with pictures, but I didnt pay any mind to it. I got raped, but I didnt realise I got raped till my closest friends were telling me that I had. I didnt see it as rape but considering the whole situation, it was. I felt like because I put myself in that situation It wasnt rape. I was getting therapy but I wasnt saying what I wanted to say because it was therapy with my mum. Our relationship had deteoriorated extremely. And thats not because she knew. She didnt until about 9 months later.I had met someone that made me the happiest person, despite our disputes, I was still happy. He made me feel important while I was in this downward spiral. And turns out we was both toxic. It ended terribly. I was willing to do unthinkable things just to get him back in my life and thats when I realised that I had reached my peak.

Right now even though it still seems to me that my life is going downhill, its not as steep. Im more happy, Im getting help. My mum knows more but not everything.Im happy with that. Im still bunking lessons, but its just when I feel extremely low. But it just occurred to me that right now well lets say today, if I had gone through a full term and given birth, my baby wouldve been 2 months old. And that really aches in my heart. I had recently found the picture of my scan again and it just really made me think. Why on earth did I get that abortion? And I thought hard about it. And I realised how my brain was working back then compared to now. I was trying to make the guy happy , I wasnt being selfish. In that situation , you have to be selfish, dont care bout nobody else but YOURSELF. But im my mind I wanted him to be happy about my decision, I didnt want to disappoint him, so I got the abortion. I think about it now and I wish I wouldve had my baby. If I was thinking like how I am right now, my baby wouldve been in my arms. And now I know that my mum wouldve helped me and I was wrong the whole time about my mum lashing out. I had this all bottled up inside of me and I have been getting these suicidal thoughts, but I been there and done that. Its not a route I want to revisit.

All I am stressing here. Is that regardless of your situation, You need to think real fucking hard before you decide to get an abortion. I know right now that I will regret this for the rest of my life. So I really dont want more girls to go through this. Think before you do anything.

First thing first is wrap it up for fuck sake!

If you dont wrap it up and get pregnant, THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE! THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

If you dont believe in god then think to yourself. You can wake up everyday and you've experience your happiest and lowest days. You've seen single mothers or dads that look after their children and even though through the struggle they are still happy. You can handle it. Even if you dont think you can I dont know how to stress, regardless of the situation your in you can handle it. But if you think you cant then you need to have someone. Even if its someone online that you could talk to (be careful though) at least you have some sort of support. There are phone lines that allow you speak and they listen and advise you. We are in the fucking age where we can do that. We are so advantaged!

Please think before you get an abortion because the last thing you want to come to mind and eventually come out of your mouth is

"I wish I never got an abortion"

Sorry this is so long.. If anyone needs advice on literally anything, doesnt need to be about abortions, just slide im dms.. Sharing will help aswell so more people can see and advise others. A post can do so much. But I can do so little and just share my story and hope that hopefully Im helping someone who thinks that theyre by themselves.

#art #kpop #abortion #help #suicde #advice #fashion #2017 #2018 #tags #share

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