#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.

[moonlit-orchid]

Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post

Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight

[ninyard]

I just saw a post wondering what Andrew and Neil’s first proper argument is, and naturally I have to offer this:

Andrew and Neil don’t fight. They’ll ignore each other if they’re pissed off - but never for more than a few hours, or maybe until one of them has slept it off and decide it’s not worth it (usually Andrew). They’ll have tiffs but never over anything serious.

Except for in the months coming up to Andrew’s graduation. That is when I believe Andrew and Neil have their first real argument.

Andrew gets officially signed to his pro team around abouts the February of that year. It’s in a state further away that Neil expected, and since they found out, Neil keeps catching Andrew looking at apartments or researching the state and the team. He’s happy for him, of course he is, but he can’t quite identify what this feeling in his stomach is every time Andrew brings it up. The little fights that last longer than their usually bickering start not long after; Neil getting more pissed off by the little things Andrew does, Andrew having off-days with Neil more and more often, each of them asking for their own space because they know if they stay around each other they’re going to start a fight. It’s gradual in a way that they don’t realise for a little while that it’s getting worse, until just after the championship finals, and the season is officially over, when three days have passed without them talking for not much of a reason at all. Neil used his finals as an excuse, but Andrew didn’t have any good reason. After those three days, they’re finally alone in their dorm for whatever reason, and maybe Andrew has started packing or he’s just got some sort of welcome package from the team: everything explodes. Andrew tries to kiss Neil, and something feels wrong, and when Neil asks what the fuck is going on, all hell breaks loose.

Andrew doesn’t yell, of course he doesn’t, but he’s venomous. He’s asking Neil why he’s acting as if the world is going to end just because he’s graduating, he’s angry at him for becoming so dependent on his presence, he’s angry at himself for feeling like he’s found a future in Neil when this was never the plan. He was supposed to be nothing. A casual fuck, with an end date and no feelings but fuck if he can’t live his life without him now. Neil yells, because he does, and he’s angry that Andrew still seems so unsure about what they are, how comfortable they were, but suddenly things are different, and it feels like he doesn’t care. He’s angry at himself for building his life around Andrew, but he’s the only reason why Neil Josten exists. Andrew reminds him of that, and it makes everything worse.

It goes on for far too long, quickly becoming meaningless and just an excuse for either of them to vent out the frustration they’ve been keeping inside for months.

“You know that I won’t overstep your boundaries,” Neil points a finger at him. “So in your head it’s okay to treat me like shit and ignore me because you know that I will give you that space.”

He doesn’t even really think that, but every little thing, every little excuse is multiplied by a thousand when he feels this red hot rage. He hates the things that come out of his mouth, but Andrew gives it back, and his insistent refusal to back down just further butts their heads together and infuriates them both.

“I won’t chase after you because you’ve decided to allow me distance,” Andrew says, calm and ice cold. “You can’t invent boundaries for me and then be upset that they exist.”

Lows blows after low blows, unfair quips and insults from both sides, slamming of drawers and doors and throwing of things; they have never, ever fought like this before. It’s over everything and nothing at the same time. Andrew knew it was only a matter of time before campus security was called, but when he tried to tell Neil to calm down and lower his voice, it only made things worse.

They’ve been unkind and awful with each other for about an hour when Neil finds himself starting to get so furiously angry thats he’s upset, that he can feel himself being needlessly nasty with Andrew. For the first time ever he feels the tilt. He feels their foundations getting rocked, a crack in the base of the pyramid of their relationship that gives him the feeling that this might not last forever. He leaves their dorm with a slam of the door, and goes for a run. He hasn’t done that in a while, a run from his feelings, running from his problems and responsibilities. He’s not sure how long it’s been before he finds himself too far away from campus, because he just ran in a straight line.

When he checks his phone he realises he’s over an hour walk away from their dorms. He almost calls Matt, and hesitates over Coach’s phone number, but instead he clicks Andrew’s name. It’s only ringing for two rings before the ringing ends and there’s a quiet hiss at the other end of the line. Neil double checks that he’s answered, because Andrew hasn’t said anything, and brings the phone back to his ear.

“Can you come pick me up?” His breathing is heavy, all of his anger drained out through his feet with every single step that he took to get further away from their dorm.

“Where are you?” Andrew is quick to respond, and Neil can hear him already picking up his keys.

Neil tells him the name of some bar that he can see, and Andrew hangs up almost instantly afterwards. Neil starts to put his phone away, used to the abrupt endings of phone calls, but wishing he would say something more. He puts his phone away and wonders why Andrew can’t just give him something. He’s not looking for a Love you! Bye! But maybe just an answer that let him know he was listening. but then it starts to ring again, and it’s Andrew, and Neil doesn’t say anything when he answers.

“I’m leaving now,” Andrew says. There’s something in his voice. “I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”

“Okay,” Neil responds. “Thank you.”

Andrew hums in acknowledgment, but this time he doesn’t hang up immediately. He hesitates, but he’s somewhere outside now.

“I will always pick you up.” He says after a while, after he’s shut his car door and the engine has rumbled to life, and maybe it sounds like I love you, I care about you, I need you. Maybe it sounds like I need you to know that i can’t lose this.

“I know,” Neil says, and it sounds like I can’t do this without you. “Thank you.”

Andrew waits a second or two then before hanging up, and Neil waits for him by the curb. Andrew is there quicker than twenty minutes later. Neither of them say anything as Neil slips into the passenger seat, and neither of them say anything as they pull away. Neither of them say anything until Andrew has switched the engine off, and the car is sitting in its parking spot. They look at each other then, and maybe then they understand what’s happening.

“I’m not above telling you that I don’t want to leave here,” leave you. “But this was always a certainty. You’ve had plenty of time to prepare.”

“I thought that I had,” Neil tells him.

It’s the truth, in some way. He realises then that all of these little fights, and growing agitation, and this almost primal urge to push Andrew away was how he’d prepared. He’s been trying his hardest to soften the blow that it would have on him, and if he pushed him away first, then it wouldn’t hurt when he inevitably pushed him back or let him go. Only, that was never going to happen, and that’s what made it worse - nothing could happen to them now that would not bring them back to each other. So when Neil pushed and pushed and pushed and Andrew was constantly hitting a wall instead of a door, all they were doing was filling the room with resentment.

They sit in the car then and talk about the reality: Andrew was moving away in just a few weeks, moving further away than they’d ever been apart. The truth was that regardless of whether or not Neil decides to spend the summer with him, August would come, and Neil would go back to PSU, and Andrew would stay wherever it was that he was staying. They’d been fighting more in a subconscious test with each other, to see if one of them were going to give up, to see it this was the thing that would finally tear them apart. They talk about that, too, as difficult as it is for Andrew to be honest about that kind of thing. Neil asks him if he thinks it would be better for them to break up, to give each other space, to let Andrew flourish on his new team and meet new people and grow into himself as a professional exy player. It’s the first time either of them have acknowledged the possibility out loud with each other, and it destroys Neil to ask it, and it destroys Andrew to hear it.

Andrew thinks about how Exy was supposed to be the deal with Kevin: how he was supposed to come off his meds, and Kevin would give him purpose, and he would find something to live for in the sport that would not love him back. Instead he gave him Neil. That was his something to live for, and while he’d started to learn how to live for himself, and he would eventually survive without him, he didn’t want to. He couldn’t. He would sooner give it all up just to keep him, and Neil knew that was the truth.

Neil thinks about how Neil was supposed to be temporary. Now it was the future, it was Andrew, it was a long and successful life. Neil Josten did not have an expiry date anymore. He could have things that were his own, things to keep, things to live for.

They knew it wouldn’t be easy, but as the evening went on, and they stay in that car and talk about the future, they’d truly come to the understanding that neither of them can lose each other. They will always be half of one another, and no amount of distance can change that. It’s hard conversation after hard conversation, and it’s emotional in the way that Andrew and Neil get emotional. All the fighting ends up being a catalyst for possibly the most personal, deep, intimate discussion they’ve ever had. There’s lots of silences and voices that threaten to raise but stay low. There’s a lot of questions, and answers, and questions without answers, too. Buts it’s needed. Andrew could not leave PSU without them having this conversation. If he had, I think they would’ve struggled a whole lot more with the distance, and the conversations they would have afterwards would’ve been far more difficult.

Ultimately that’s where they end the conversation sometime past midnight - with a semi newfound understanding of where they stand with each other, what they are, what the future means for them. It’s a fight that needed to happen, and in their own ways they apologise for the things that they said. Maybe they don’t say sorry, they just say everything is going to be okay, and distance will not be the thing that ruins this.

I don’t know. I really do think it’s a fight that’s needs to happen. I think it’s a terrible, angry, nasty argument, and they both feel awful about the things they said and did, but it had to happen. Yeah, could it have been communicated with words? Sure. But Andrew had to understand how afraid Neil was of losing him, he had to understand what Neil was doing to protect himself from it. And Neil had to understand that Andrew was always, always willing to fight for him, but he couldn’t do that if Neil wasn’t willing to see that he would.

[actualbird]

confession: i refrained from talking about It here (though i livetweeted the ordeal on my priv lsbdfsdlf) but now that things have calmed down, i wanted to share what's happened

from february 4 to february 12 of 2024, i experienced the most heartbreaking and heart wrenching week of my life. my mother tried to commit suicide several times, and the days were first spent taking care of her while in an overdosed state while she said over and over that she wanted to die before i finally broke and begged her to go to the hospital. up until that point, i was looking after her on my own. i was feeding her, getting her to sit up to drink water, walking her to the bathroom, checking if she was still breathing, and enduring it when she got mad at me and told me she was “fine.” i was hanging on by a thin thread. i’ve always been the house’s caretaker—always known as the pragmatic and responsible one—but this was more than I could ever handle.

“i don’t know how to help anymore,” i told my older sister when i myself had my own breakdown on the night of my mother’s hospitalization. as i hyperventilated and sobbed, the feeling of helplessness shook my body and my words. “i can’t help anymore.”

and then something really wonderful happened: people came and helped

when news got out of my mother's attempts, suddenly my phone was blowing up with texts and messages from people i didnt know. they were her friends: old friends from college, friends from the university she teaches at, her family from the province. they were all asking me and my siblings if they could help with anything: driving, food, money, emotional support. her family in the province drove hours from the province to meet us in the city just to lend a hand in keeping us calm. her friends from the university were the ones who drove her to the hospital and helped us out with a loan and financial aid for the ER bills.

my brother who lives in japan flew in back to the philippines despite having an academic conference just to help. his girlfriend drove him from the airport to the hospital despite having to study for an exam. my older sister's boyfriend came over just to buy us all donuts and food to make sure we were all eating while looking after everything. my girlfriend bought my sisters and i trinkets from a convention just to make us smile during these hard times, and she kept reminding me to sleep and eat and drink and take my meds. my online friends who knew were messaging me asking if i was okay, if i wanted to see some bird posts for serotonin or if i needed somebody to vent to or even to help with money too. hell, even my coworkers asked me if i was okay. they asked about my mom, and i told them, but then my supervisor asked "but how are YOU?" and i burst into tears

all this reminds me of that weird "discourse" i see around about how youre not supposed to ask friends for help because we're all adults and. i am 24. and in these weeks, i felt more like a helpless child than ive ever felt in my life

and yet

people came and helped

when youre needed, youre needed

and we didnt even ask. they just....showed up.

everybody we knew—friends, acquaintances, colleagues, family—they all showed up when we needed them

idk. i guess in this world it's really easy to feel really alone. i sure did. but youre really really not. i had no idea how many people were looking out for us, but they're here. they were here for us. ive lost count of how many people came to help, and isnt that a beautiful thing. i lost count of how many people helped

[leclerc-s]

track 001. logical

─── ❝ said i was too young, i was too soft. can't take a joke, can't get you off. oh, why do i do this? ❞ ───

masterlist // next

liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris, isabellaperez, and others

zoyatorres a while back i heard a beautiful piano piece composed by charles_leclerc. i adored the way he was able to compose such emotional pieces. i asked a friend to reach out to him and ask if he wanted to be apart of my next album. he agreed and he composed a couple pieces on my new album, GUTS, which is yours september 8th. for now, enjoy logical, an emotional song which captures exactly what i was feeling in that moment thanks to charles. and to isabellaperez, the only other person to understand my emotions, thank you for inspiring me to write this one. once again, grazie charles! gracias isabella! (ps enjoy these bts picture of me and charles as logical was being written) (pps isabella helped inspire a few of the songs on this album)

tagged: charles_leclerc, isabellaperez

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landonorris um…what the fuck? charles? isabella? why wasn’t i informed of this?

baileywinters you’re welcome people! i did this! i got this masterpiece out into the world!

↳ landonorris et tú, brute?

↳ baileywinters sorry babe but i was sworn to secrecy!

user01 is this not some sort of betrayal to mae? after everything that went down between the two.

↳ maejones not really considering zoya and i are on good terms. i also have a boyfriend, i've moved on, everyone else should too.

↳ charles_leclerc i spoke to mae before i said yes to this opportunity. if she said she was uncomfortable with me doing this i would've said no.

↳ zoyatorres as mae said, everyone involved in that situation has moved on, please do us all a favor and move on.

user02 i just know this song is going to break my heart in two and i haven't even heard it

charles_leclerc it was a pleasure working with you zoya! we should do it again sometime.

↳ zoyatorres get me a pass to the next grand prix and we’ll see

↳ charles_leclerc done! see you in miami!

↳ zoyatorres pleasure doing business with you mr. leclerc

isabellaperez thanks for letting me vent to you!

↳ zoyatorres those vents became beautiful songs isabella! so thank you to you and your wonderful brain!

user03 now this is a crossover i wasn't expecting

nataliaruiz oh thank god, i was going to lose it if i had to keep this a secret any longer.

maejones well that was emotional…i’m gonna go drown myself with a toaster

↳ maxverstappen1 no, you won’t. actually please don’t.

↳ rowantodd no one wants to deal with a grumpy max, please don't ever joke about that again. your sister is also pouting at her phone, please, don't make those jokes again.

nataliaruiz posted a new story

seen by charles_leclerc, zoyatorres, logansargeant and others

some more bts of the making of logical. zoya’s my favorite third wheel, she’s basically charles and i’s child now. freyavettel you have a sister now.

zoyatorres mom? nataliaruiz yes my child?

charles_leclerc she is not our child nataliaruiz too late the adoption papers have been filed with seb, maman leclerc approved it too and she practically lives with us chérie

pierregasly another one? isn't the one on the way enough? isn’t freya enough? nataliaruiz shut up, you tripod

arthur_leclerc another niece? you can't give me a nephew? nataliaruiz the universe has decided that charles is meant to be a girl dad. it told me so when it gave us freya as a first child and zoya as a second and our baby as the third arthur_leclerc freya and zoya aren't actually your children nat nataliaruiz and lando isn't carlos and penny's kid but they treat him like he is. we all have emotional support children, don't question me. arthur_leclerc alright fine.

natalia ruiz added one person

natalia ruiz meet my child zoya!

zoya torres is that fernando alonso in the picture?

freya vettel blackmail material from lance, so yes it’s nando

bailey winters lando’s been screaming logical for the past 20 minutes. make it stop please

lando norris i can’t believe you guys wouldn’t tell us about this! isa and i played sour on repeat for days!

daphne jones-ricciardo trust us, we remember

zoya torres holy shit. excuse me while i go scream in a pillow.

daniel jones-ricciardo she’s just like me. daph! she’s our child! natalia ruiz back the fuck up aussie, that is my second child with charles! pierre gasly you have an actual child together and she's met daphne before hasn't she? zoya torres i don't actually have her number. let me have this. god, the french ruin everything oscar piastri she's going to fit right in with us

logan sargeant on a completely different topic, who hurt zoya and charles? that is the saddest song i’ve heard all year and speak now (daphne’s version) was released a few days ago. i don’t need to ask about isa, we all know the answer to that.

george russell can’t believe i’m agreeing with an american but who hurt you two?

logan sargeant at least our queen is still alive mae jones we don’t have a queen? we are a democracy. florida has failed us once again. logan sargeant i was talking about your sister… rowan todd he’s got you there mae, all rise for our national anthem, death by a thousand cuts penelope trevino HALF OF YOU DIPSHITS LIVE IN MONACO! zoya torres can't believe i just met a bunch of tax evaders

natalia ruiz you literally just moved to monaco zoya. you are a tax evader now.

zoya torres it’s to be closer to my favorite leclerc, baby leclerc. arthur’s been bumped down to last arthur leclerc well fuck you, as if i wasn’t already. you’re my least favorite singer in this group.

esteban ocon everytime i open this groupchat up i worry for each and every single one of you

mick schumacher i agree with the french

logan sargeant history has proven that it has never happened. so this is a first lando norris enough with the history jokes dulce perez just because you can’t understand them doesn’t mean we have to stop

zoya torres to answer logan's question, my ex-boyfriend hurt me.

natalia ruiz we don't talk about that asshole alex albon just to clarify, we're not talking about joshua are we? zoya torres no, that's passed, we're friends now. i think?

max verstappen why the fuck is lando running around the hotel screaming?

max verstappen never mind i see now. hello zoya.

zoya torres hi max! charles leclerc YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER? zoya torres i had breakfast with mae and max once

lewis hamilton it’s a great song guys!

zoya torres what if i passed out right now? what if this was my 13th reason? all i ever needed was to make sir lewis hamilton proud. oscar piastri oh god, she’s just like logan dulce perez i worry for you people, i truly do.

isabella perez THAT BRIDGE? CAN'T BELIEVE I HELPED COME UP WITH THAT!

dulce perez with an ex like austin how could you not? isabella perez do you maybe, want to shut the fuck up?

liked by charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, maejones

zoyatorres mom said we had to come support dad in miami! peep my three different outfits (it was very hot for two of them, yes i did steal a helmet for a picture) don’t mom and baby leclerc look so cute? (i took that picture while we were waiting for mick and freya)

tagged: nataliaruiz, charles_leclerc, scuderiaferrari

user1 love how she opted to post a cute picture of natalia while embarrassing charles

↳ zoyatorres mom should never be embarrassed. dad on the other hand…

charles_leclerc i invited you to a grand prix and this is the payment i receive? (send me that picture of natti please?)

↳ zoyatorres will do father 🫡

scuderiaferrari it was an honor to have you in our garage (free concert tickets soon?)

↳ zoyatorres anything for my favorite admin

maejones did you enjoy your first ever grand prix?

↳ zoyatorres you bet i did! who knew watching cars go really fast in odd circles could be fun! baby leclerc made it more fun!

user2 i love that she’s been adopted into this family of weirdos so quickly.

↳ nataliaruiz she's one of us now, we're never letting her go.

↳ zoyatorres no other people i'd rather be friends with

↳ landonorris friends? who said anything about friends? we're family now

↳ dulceperez calm down dominic torretto. let the girl get used to our company before forcing her into this weird little family.

↳ zoyatorres i practically live with them...maman leclerc loves me…baby leclerc loves me

↳ user3 now this is something i wasn't expecting. baby leclerc has two big sisters, freya and zoya are the best big sisters, no doubt about it.

zoya was lost. it was that simple. she hadn't meant to wander off, but she had really needed to use the bathroom and freya had abandoned her. zoya would never get used to the paddock life, it was too chaotic for her. zoya preferred touring and tour buses, at least there it was a controlled chaos. she hoped she could find someone she was familiar with like mae or max, maybe they would help her out. or maybe she would die of embarrassment before she ever made her way to the ferrari garage.

too preoccupied with finding her way to the ferrari garage she failed to notice the 6ft wall in the shape of a human. she crashed into him and if it weren’t have been for his quick reflexes she would’ve fallen over. the wall grabbed her arm and pulled her close before she could touch the ground. it was then that she realized the wall wasn’t a wall and instead a human body. she pushed herself away from him, not that she wasn't thankful for his rescue, but he was a stranger, and zoya was not okay with random people touching her. maybe that was the downside of being a celebrity, people always thought they had a right to touch you or take pictures with you as if they knew you.

not that she wasn't grateful for her fans, she was, they were the reason she had the fame she did. it was the strangers who didn't even know her, and just saw a mob of people surrounding her, and decided it was okay with touching her. maybe she should bring that up with her therapist at their next meeting.

“you okay?” the human wall questioned. zoya nodded, letting go of his hand, “yeah, i got lost on my way back from the bathroom and freya ditched me so i have no clue where i’m going. i’ve been wandering this place for like 10 minutes and i still can’t find the ferrari garage.”

the human wall laughed, "considering that you're at the williams garage i'd say you're pretty far off."

"oh shit," zoya muttered, "i knew i was going in the wrong direction. this place should come with a map or something."

"i can take you to the ferrari garage?" the human wall offered. zoya glanced at him, noticing the fireproofs he was wearing, "and you are?"

"logan sargeant," he answered.

“well, logan sargeant, i’m zoya torres,” she introduced, “and i would very much like help getting back to the ferrari garage.”

logan laughed again, “pleasure zoya. it’s nice to properly meet you.”

“likewise.”

liked by charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, freyavettel and others

zoyatorres the leclerc family takes on miami! not pictured is arthur pouting over a fallen piece of cake and lorenzo laughing at him. pictured is freya staring lovingly at mick while he causes baby leclerc to giggle.

tagged: charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, freyavettel, arthur_leclerc, lorenzotl, mickschumacher

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user1 i guess charles really did steal seb's daughter

arthur_leclerc wow no picture of me or enzo? guess who isn't my favorite niece

↳ zoyatorres you literally told me to not take any pictures of you cause you looked like shit? and the one i did take, as mentioned in the caption, you didn’t want me posting.

freyavettel out of all the pictures you took of me, you picked that one?

↳ zoyatorres it's the one where you look most in love with mick

↳ user2 she's literally one of us. she's a mastermind who wormed her way into natalia's heart and now they're never going to let her go

↳ user3 but does mick have mom and dad’s approval?

↳ zoyatorres he has mine! i love mick, he’s a sweetheart. he’s also my sweets provider

↳ charles_leclerc jury’s still out

logansargeant it was nice to meet you zoya! pleasure getting to know the girl behind the music landonorris and isabellaperez are always screeching

↳ zoyatorres pleasure meeting the american rookie! thanks for helping me find my way to the ferrari garage

↳ charles_leclerc back off american 🤺

↳ zoyatorres you're not my dad!

↳ user4 and we know who wouldn’t have dad’s approval.

¡leclerc-s speaks! american rookie it’s your time to shine baby! although you haven’t had the best season, we still love you. double update today baby!! manifesting a win or podium for charles this weekend

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

[nikitasys]

LIFE WITHOUT FILTER AS A TRAUMAGENIC POLYFRAG+PARTIALLY PROGRAMMED DID SYSTEM

TW : vent, rant, ramcoa, programming, su!c!de mention

(I'm in desperate need for advice, for some kind of guidance or support from other progged systems who may have gone through something similar to what we're describing in this post, or not but who may have ideas of what might be going on with us.)

I stg life has been so exhausting & I just have to unmask & say it SOMEWHERE.

We're a relatively newly discovered+diagnosed system since I realised we were one in August/September of last year (2023). Before that we had been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder for several years.

When I first realised we were multiple, I progressively began discovering the other alters. The whole process (we're also in trauma therapy) was difficult & messy but overall as days went by I personally felt more & more satisfied to see/feel how much progress we were making, even with all the highs & lows it entailed. I got to meet & learn to know a few alters, we were able to work on some of our problematic in-sys dynamics & slowly but surely understand ourselves better, both as individuals & as a whole.

Long story short, we were PROGRESSING.

Then things got even messier as our trauma therapy caused even more lifting of the dissociative amnesia in our childhood & we progressively realised we were polyfrag & had been through RAMCOA & programming. (That happened end of February/beginning of March 2024)

The whole process was getting more & more chaotic & distressful but we (me + the rest of our group of main fronters) were pretty determined to figure things out & keep on going forward, which was extremely annoying to a bunch of programmed alters who immediately tried their best to keep us quiet/isolated & make us feel insane/terrified by trying to make us go back to our primary abuser, OR convince our psychiatrist to put us on antipsychotics & hospitalise us, OR leave the place we live in to go who-knows-where & ghost everyone we knew, OR off ourself etc... in a nutshell, it was really freaking hard.

But some of us were determined to keep trying to do what was best for us, to keep trying to get better, to gain at least some kind of free will, to LIVE.

I'm sorry, this post is way too long.

But anyway, now it's been a few months since I just don't know what's going on with us anymore. The veryyyy little visualisation I could have of our innerworld is gone, all the main fronters seem to have truly disappeared (mass dormancy?) as well as the vast majority of alters we had identified up to this day. It seemed that I was frontstuck for a long while, & now it's been a few weeks that alters just randomly pop up (whether they front or stay co-conscious) & then disappear almost immediately after as if nothing had happened & I just... I feel so lost.

It's all just so frustrating you know ? To me it truly feels like something MAJOR happened inside both to our innerworld + all the alters & I'm being deliberately locked away from the truth of what it is. I feel like I'm being punished, & tbh I probably am. I'm in a lot of denial about our programming but the whole thing definitely feels like one (or more ?) internal handler/programmer has been orchestrating some kind of system reboot or hardcore scramble or... I DON'T KNOOOW 😭 I just don't know anything anymore. It's like nothing ever happened & it's particularly distressing, you know ? It is SO weird to know deep down that massive stuff is going on inside yourself but at the same time you know nothing & it all makes me wonder if I ever knew anything in the first place ? These thoughts make me dizzy af. It just feels like since syscovery there was overall progress happening, & now there's just nothing. As if everything had been suddenly turned off & restarted or... I just don't know.

Anyway. I realise no one will read this post entirely, but if for some reason you are doing it, first of all congrats & also, THANK YOU.

Don't hesitate to contact us via DMs or comment if you have any questions or advice, we'll be more than happy to answer you to the best of our abilities. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR HELP 🙏🏻

— host (I think?)

[pommunist]

Honestly, I've been very scared to keep posting about the situation, since I don't want people who follow me to think I'm ''too negative'' or judge me when I'm not remaining as positive as before, or to bring negative posts to dashes of people that I know are very stressed about this. And I appreciated before how you are a safe place for neg thoughts, so I'm here to vent a little bit if that's okay.

My experience since the reveal can be described as a rollercoaster that only has been going down.

I was incredibly stressed when Lèa revealed everything, but remained hopeful that things could change for the better. I had trust.

At first, the next few days after that, I thought the leaks of the changes made were odd since they looked like they lacked context, and the lack of context could lead to fandom outrage, which I was worried about at the time. Why was I worried? Well, I still had trust right things were in progress to be done. Looking back into that, while we got the context later on and it reassured me then, not jumping into immediate conclusions and waiting for more points of views was more my way of protecting my mind from spiraling further into distress, all while knowing full well that Lèa has only acted with the best intentions and none of this was in bad faith.

Then we get hit with this: Admin after admin are leaving, and it gets to the point that Lumi and Shade leave, because the communication never existed in that workplace and priorities were proved to be incredibly out of place. My trust was B R O K E N. And like I promised an anon back then, I finally allowed disappointment to sink in.

And why was my trust broken? Fun fact: When it matters to me, I have good memory, and I remember Q's statements. The words and the actions are not matching.

- He said that he was going to collect testimonies and investigate. Ah yes, the investigation tactic of not contacting anyone in the workplace and actually gathering their testimonies, I heard it's a good source of information to make important changing decisions /srcsm.

- He said the CCs were being updated about the changes. Then we see CCs saying they actually don't know shit going on bts except for a couple of general announcements.

And there may be other stuff that does not match, but those two are the most relevant to me right now.

Like, genuinely I didn't even care about whatever the fuck Q said after Lumi and Shade's statements, and any other post that tries to reassure the fanbase just feels like very hopeful thinking, that I used to have, but I DON'T anymore. It feels like false promises and looking for things that make sense, when, really, that shouldn't be our job. At this point I need tangible proof of improvement, not just words because these fucking words have proved to not be enough for me to believe whatever the fuck Q says it's being done.

I can't even trust fully that the merch money will actually go to payment for the remaining admins and compensation for the ones who left. That would be the best case scenario, but can I even TRUST this scenario to occur? Right now, no, I don't think so, I have not been given proof to trust this. And seeing any merch with Pomme, Dapper or Ramon in the Qsmp Awards just felt extremely wrong and I hated it.

When you are a Huevito, this has been wild: First, Artea leaves, and then, Shade reveals to us that Ramon's OG admin was fired around the time Artea took the role, while this entire time most of the Huevitos thought the OG admin was back around the last days of february. It feels worse when you can connect the dots about what happened with Ramon's OG admin, when we know that he was extremely busy with school last time we saw him, and we consider Lèa saying how management would fire you if you were not active enough...

Must clarify, all the love to BOTH Ramon's OG admin and Artea, they both killed it with the role, they are both wonderful people and I wish the best to them and the new Ramon admin that was with us at the beginning of march aswell. Also all the love to them. Must be hard to play a character that was played and developed by two different people before, and the effort is deeply appreciated.

I also feared to say the above since I was scared to spread misinformation somehow. But honestly, I'm trusting Shade's words, you know, the one who's best friend irl with Ramon's OG admin should know full well what they are talking about and the status of employment of said best friend.

And when you have been a ghostie for months since basically the beginning: This shit SUCKS and people are SO EXTREMELY VALID for being upset and grieving.

I think no company should ghost their employees even when they are ACTIVELY TRYING TO REACH OUT. Fucking paranoia of leaks ain't cutting it for me as an excuse for this mistreatment and I don't blame Lumi and Shade at all for taking the decision that was healthier for themselves after that. Just a ''we can't say much right now due to legal reasons, but we are still slowly working on it'', LITERALLY JUST THAT HAD TO BE SAID, WDYM NOT EVEN THAT.

The french community have every right to be angry after this. The CCs stated they were leaving if Lumi left, and that's an entire language going away from the server. Yeah, no shit they are upset.

And I want to just grab Bad by the shoulders and say YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PLAY ON THE SERVER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, YOU ARE CLEARLY DISTRESSED, DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND WELL BEING, WE UNDERSTAND.

Of course I want this to turn out for the best, like everyone. I believe the basis of this project was a wonderful idea, and I'm grateful for the positive things it had brought. But this shit is not being resolved the right way, as we could see. And with Q seemingly no understanding the underlying issue, then why would I remain as hopeful as before.

Another fun fact: When you break my trust, it's really fucking hard to gain it back or for that to happen in the first place, so.

I have stated that my hyperfixation to Qsmp has died out, since I decided to keep my distance in order to collect my thoughts, reflect, breathe and do what's best for myself. Nowadays I only would watch two specific CCs play, but if at some point they decide to leave, which I would not blame them if it reached that point, then that would be it for me. I would be done with it. I don't blame the people who also feel this way or the ones who think it is already over.

If I'm only staying here it's purely for love for this community. In the anniversary, I could not bring myself to say happy birthday to the Qsmp, I said happy birthday to Qsmpblr instead. I love the people I have met and interacted with here dearly. Even if our opinions don't match, because hope and trust have left me, the love is still there, you know?

That would be everything I wanted to get out of my chest, sorry for the big text and angry rambling. I would prefer to stay anonymous for this one. Take care, Pommunist.

Hey anon ! I don’t really know what to say in response to all this, just that I agree with most of what you just said here.

The feeling of being afraid that you’re being too negative too often ahah big same here ! I didn’t think my blog would turn into what it is when i made it, and I felt many time like I was bothering people with my frequent posts on the situation (I also know I’m not the best at tagging stuff I promise I try my best though !).

We have to remember that we aren’t being negative for fun or drama, we are just talking about a situation that is negative so of course this isn’t going to be fun and rainbows. And personally I’d rather do that than « faire l’autruche » as we say in french (Translation would be : to do the ostrich aka to put your head in the ground so you can ignore your problems), as it is too serious of an issue .

Also using your post to express my admiration and gratitude to Ramon’s OG admin and Artea because they both did an amazing job playing him and shaping him into the character we love so much (Our beautiful baby boy).

And yes, the community is great ! Even if you don’t feel like watching the server or at least less than before, we should still interact with the wonderful people thanks to it ! Also, keep sharing fanarts, fanfics, anything ! the artists are blessing us with wonderful art and stories they still deserve our support ! I understand people who do but we don’t have to stop talking about something we love altogether if we don’t want to, the things that made us like it are still here, at the end of the day we can keep that love at least.

My thoughts are so disjointed here anon I’m sorry but lots of love to you ! As someone who was hyper fixated on it too, the fall from grace was particularly painful, can relate 😣

I’ll reiterate that I don’t mind anons at all, you don’t have to justify yourself ! It just makes a bit sad the number of people who told me they didn’t feel like they could express their thoughts publicly.

Take care too ! ♥️

[ieatsmallorphansnamedtom]

Bachelor/ettes When They Aren't Asked to the Flower Dance

Number 4 of the prompts I was given by a very kind someone. Other/s can be found in my new masterlist (pinned post).

Bachelors:

Sam

He'd been working up the courage to ask you to dance all month. He was sure you would accept his invitation (or at least that's what he told himself). Despite having two left feet, he did his best to practice the dance with the help of Jodi. Finally, after weeks' worth of practicing, he was ready.

That said, he was still extremely nervous. The Flower Dance has never really been his thing, with his (as I said) two left feet and allergies. But still, he tried to put on a happy smile when seeing you come his way. Little did he know, he was in for a sad surprise.

"Sam," you said, running over to him, "[bachelor/ette] asked me to dance!"

"Oh, that's great! You two have fun."

Oh, that poor boy. All that hope and training for nothing. He was devastated, as anyone would be. He ended up messing up the entire dance with his partner because he was looking at you and [bachelor/ette] the whole time.

Elliott

Elliott was sure he'd get your hand in the dance. He'd wowed the townies since his first ever Flower Dance there. He was just too good at all that old-timey stuff. And with this knowledge, he just knew he'd get to be your partner. He was just waiting to write the experience down in his diary.

And eventually the dance came. Elliott had made sure his suit was in perfect condition with the help of Emily. He got there extra early to A), help with the setting up, and B), make sure he got to you first. Little did he know, that would be his downfall. While he was waiting patiently in the field, you were being asked to dance by someone else.

"Wow, Elliott, you're early," you said.

"Yes," he replied, "now I was wondering if you'd-" [bachelor/ette] joined you side, taking your arm in theirs.

"You were wondering if you could ask me...?"

"Never mind. Enjoy the dance."

He's pretty upset afterwards. I mean, who wouldn't be? He put in all that effort to get up early and spill some of the punch on his suit setting things up only to find out it was for nothing. He vents to Leah and gets drunk on that same punch (now spiked by Pam).

Sebastian

Sebastian was super nervous asking you to dance. He had practiced his lines over and over and over in the mirror, just hoping everything would go right. He had every possible route of conversation planned out in his mind and was memorising every line possible. Robin caught on pretty quick and found it cute.

He was one of the last people to arrive at the Flower Dance. Partly because he was having trouble saving his work and refused to leave before being sure it was absolutely 100% saved, but also because he was doing everything in his power to delay a bad outcome. Walking up to you was terrifying. He could feel his heartbeat lodged in his throat.

"Hey, Y/N," he said, leaning against the wooden fence keeping out all the weeds and shrubbery. "You got a dance partner yet?"

"Yeah, [bachelor/ette] asked me as soon as I got here. What about you?"

"Nah, not yet. Well, um, glad to see you got a partner."

Well, this is all his fault now, isn't it? If he had just gotten here sooner this wouldn't have happened. No, that's stupid. He wouldn't have been able to ask anyway. Yoba, what was wrong with him?

Harvey

Harvey's nervousness is on par with (if not exceeding) Sebastian's. He's a blushing mess whenever he thinks of dancing with you. He just can't help it! He's actually a pretty good dancer, especially with the older dances, so he doesn't really need to practice for it. He just has to focus on his lines.

Once he's actually at the dance, somehow, that anxiety gets even worse. Just seeing you in that outfit has him on his knees. He's all awkward walking up to you, and it's pretty obvious to most people what he's about to ask. He's so nervous he doesn't even see you eyeing another townie.

"Hey Y/N. How are you?" he says, not even trying to look you in the eye.

"Oh, hey Harvey!" you reply, "I'm good. You got a dance partner yet?"

"No, not yet. Have you?"

"No, but I'm hoping to get with [bachelor/ette]. What about you?"

"Oh, that's nice. Um, I don't know."

His heart is broken. Absolutely shattered. All that nervousness for nothing. He tries not to look at you for the rest of the day. It just makes him too sad.

Shane

Shane was not looking forward to the dance. Under no means did he intend to have fun there. If anything, he was only doing it for Jas and you. But even you were on thin ice. Still, Jas was begging him to go. And so, he needed a date. Why not ask you?

Well, you see, the funny thing is he doesn't know how to do that. He's exactly like that scene of Shrek in the first movie where he's practicing his confession to Fiona. He's trying to work everything out as he goes along.

During the festival, he's a little grumpier than usual. But that's just because he's nervous. Walking up to you with a few flowers hiding behind his back.

"Hey Y/N," he says, "quite the festival, huh?"

You laugh and reply, "yeah, it is something! You got a date?"

"Uh, no. No, I don't. You?"

"Oh, I got asked by [bachelor/ette]. Good luck to you, though!" you say as you walk off.

Well, that went just swimmingly now, didn't it? He bought those flowers for nothing. Well, unless you count being able to give Jas a fairy rose. But it still cost money!

Alex

Alex, Alex, what do I think about Alex? Well, he's absolutely freaking out inside, but he's not letting it show. He's spent years putting up a front, and he's not letting it crack because of some stupid dance. Most of his evenings after dinner are spent practicing his words in front of a mirror. Evelyn ends up catching him one night and the two have a bit of a training session together.

Anyways, the dance itself. Wow, what a day. For a start, you look absolutely gorgeous and it's driving him insane. Who knew that confident persona could crack so easily? Either way, he's still going to ask you to dance. He walks up to you with the biggest, most 'look at me I'm good at dancing please ask me to be your partner' smile possible when all of a sudden, the news hits him like a brick.

"Alex! You won't believe this: [bachelor/ette] asked me to dance!"

"Oh, that's great! I'll probably go with [Alex's partner]."

Poor boy. Still, he's not going to give up now. He asks you to practice dancing with him, and if that doesn't work, then he'll just sit out of the dance so he can put all his attention on you.

Bachelorettes:

Penny

Penny doesn't even want to begin practicing her lines. The levels of absolute mortification she would feel if someone caught her would have her crying. Even just repeating the lines in her head she feels there's someone watching her. Due to this, she's completely unprepared.

So yeah, the conversation is awkward. She's pushing herself to her very limit just trying to grasp the concept of asking you to dance. But it all comes crashing down when you tell her the truth of what's really going on.

"Penny, I have to ask you something," you say.

"Oh- yes?" she replies.

"Do you think [bachelor/ette] would want to be my partner?"

"Oh... Of course, they would. Of course."

She's really sad. She probably sits out of the dance for that one. Still, she's happy to see that you're happy. And it's not like she'll lose anything if she sits out.

Leah

Leah's pretty excited to ask you to dance! Elliott had been helping her practice her moves every day in the week leading up to the dance, and she had gotten pretty good at it by the time rolled around. Contrary to popular belief, not all introverts are shy, and that is especially true for Leah! She has no major concerns when it comes to asking you. Except for being turned down, of course.

The day finally comes, and she looks pretty good! She spent the morning finding the perfect flowers to put in her hair to make sure she looks her best. She really wants to impress not only you, but herself, too! She walks up to you confidently with a smile on her face only to hear the news.

"Hey, Y/N!" she says, running over to you. "You got a partner yet?"

"Oh, yeah! I got to go with [bachelor/ette]. I'm really happy about it." you reply.

"Oh, that's great!"

Well, what can she do now? There's no point sulking about it. Might as well pick herself up and move along. Elliott wouldn't want her to waste all that practice.

Abigail

Abigail's been pretty confident in asking you to dance. She doesn't need to practice her lines, and only requires a little bit of practice for her dance moves (she really needs more, but she can't be bothered). She hangs out with you a lot more in the weeks leading up to the dance to try and coax you into thinking about her.

The day of the dance comes and things are looking good. Abigail walks you to the dance to make sure nobody asks you to dance before she does. Little does she you've already been asked.

"Oh, Abby, I forgot to tell you," you say, "[bachelor/ette] asked me to the dance!"

"Oh, that's great!" she replies. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I'll race you to the dance. See ya!"

She just wanted an excuse to get away for the moment. But it was still funny hearing you yell and try to catch up with her.

Maru

Maru's pretty nervous to ask you to dance. Most people would be, after all. She plans to buy you flowers at the dance and ask you, but things don't go that way. She spends most of her time practicing her lines either out loud or in her head.

In fact, she's still practicing her lines at the dance. And you catch her in the act. She's right about to say your name when you overhear and walk up to her with a smile on your face.

"So, who's the special person?" you ask.

"Oh! Uh..."

"Just kidding. You know, I think you would go well with [Maru's partner]."

"Really?" she replies, "who told you?"

"[bachelor/ette], my partner."

Oh... So, she was too late. That's no good. Of course, she's still going to dance. Maru loves getting involved with the community and she's not going to let your 'rejection' get in the way. You two dance side by side, and in the end, she really isn't all that upset. There's always next year.

Emily

Emily had been looking forward to asking you to dance for a while now. She'd always thought of you as a wonderful person, and what better way to show that than to ask for your hand in a dance? She's quite the dancer herself, though she doesn't mind if that's not your forte. Still, she wanted to shoot her shot.

The day of the flower dance came, and Emily was, quite honestly, really looking forward to it. She and Haley had practiced the dance together for a good while and she was confident she had mastered it. Walking up to you, she gifted you a sweet pea and was about to pop the question when you told her the news.

"Oh, Emily," she said, looking down at the flower in her hands, "I'm sorry, I can't accept this."

"Why not? It's a gift," she replied.

"Oh! I thought you were asking me to dance. Sorry, of course I'll take this!"

Emily only laughed and said, "well, you enjoy yourself then. I'll go and find a partner."

So, that didn't go as planned. Yes, she was upset, but she also wasn't going to let it get in the way of her plans. Emily respected that you had just as important of a say in the matter as she did, and wasn't going to push your boundaries like that.

Haley

Haley had been obsessed with practicing the dance for you. Despite being the Flower Queen for many years in a row, she still felt the need to be just certain of her ability to dance. Her plan was to woo you over while practicing at the festival, but we all know it didn't quite go according to plan.

The festival day came, and her plan was in action. She had already perfected her moves, but that just meant her wooing ability was even greater. She was dancing in front of Alex, watching you get closer out of the corner of your eye when you talked to her.

"Hey, Haley." you waved her attention over to yourself.

"Huh? Oh, hey Y/N," she said, faking her surprise at your decision to talk to her, "did you like my dancing?"

"Yeah, actually, I was just looking at it. I was gonna say, I think you'd be a great match for [Haley's partner]."

"Oh, I don't know." she rubbed the back of her neck. "[Haley's partner] isn't really my type. Who are you going with?"

"[bachelor/ette]."

"Neat. Well, I'm gonna get back to practicing. See you."

Well, that was fucking useless. Now what? She doesn't want to go with [Haley's partner], but who else is there to choose? I suppose there's no point letting that practice go to waste. She can't try to woo you over like that and then to nothing about her skill. That would be a waste.

-~-~-

Hnghghgmnfn this took so long to get out I don't know why. I like the prompt a lot I guess my brain has just got low battery or something. Anyways, yeah, so activity might be a bit sporadic if you haven't already noticed. I've got five WIPs going on all at once (A+ organisation I know) which I'm constantly switching between, so this blog isn't really my focus right now. Hopefully I'll have the energy and brain power to get back into it soon!

[fe-fictions]

I can't believe I have to post about this a second time in a year, but I have another sick kitty...

We lost our senior cat Henry in February, it was just time for him to go. He was a handsome and wonderful 14 years old, and had been with us since we were children.

And not long after we lost him, my sibling and I (we live together) decided the apartment was just too empty without him...we were missing the warmth and the joy that a sweet kitty cat brought with him.

So we each adopted our very own cats; a handsome long-haired 3 month old boy named Gojo, and a beautiful short-haired 5 month old girl named Luisa.

Luisa is my baby girl. She was born in September, the same month as me, and she's my whole world. But the last few days, she's been eating less, playing less, and getting more and more docile and lethargic.

I took her to the emergency vet today because she wasn't eating at all and was hiding since yesterday morning. He told me that she had an auto immune disorder, and was extremely anemic.

He gave me three options; try steroids and antibiotics, see if she responds to them, or they could hospitalize her and give her a blood transfusion, which was way, way too expensive...if I had the money I would've done it in a heartbeat, and it breaks my heart to think that I could've done more for her if I had a better job and could provide for my baby more. And the third option was to put her to sleep there, because her odds were slim.

I chose the option to get her medication, which was a quarter the cost of a hospitalization, and he assured me typically saw really good results, but that sometimes it would take a few days or a week or two before seeing improvement.

I gave her the first dose as soon as we got home, got her set up in my room, but she's still not eating, won't go to the bathroom, and I'm just really, really worried that I'm gonna have to say goodbye to her, before she's even a year old.

I'm just not ready to say goodbye again. Twice in the same year, two of my sweet babies. I am not ready to do that again. It happened so fast. The shelter I got her at likely had no idea she was sick; she showed no signs of it until just a few days ago. I hate that she's so fragile, and that I can't do enough for her. It's just crushing.

I want to try and focus on the positive, and hope that she's gonna pull through in the next few days. I'm just so sad, because it wasn't that long ago I saw this behavior in a dying cat. I know what it looks like, I felt it, I could see it. And I'm not ready to do that again.

I was supposed to have at least ten years with this slinky little baby. I don't want to believe that I'm gonna have to say goodbye to her. I won't know for at least a few days; but if she stops eating and she can't go to the bathroom, I don't know where to go from there.

I just wanted to vent, I wanted to let you all know that's what I'm dealing with right now. I hope you'll continue to have patience with me, and to those who commissioned art from me, I'm gonna work hard to get it done ASAP since it's already been a while, and I just need to do something to keep my mind off of what's going on right now.

But yeah. That's what's going on at this moment, and so if I sort of disappear for a little while or my posts go a while without anything, that's why.

Thanks for being so sweet, you guys are such a wonderful group of fellow FE enthusiasts and I love writing for you all. It's without a doubt the group of the friendliest and sweetest people I've ever run into; whenever awful things were going on, IRL or online, I would always come here because the drama or the stressful mess would never reach it; this place is my little safe haven haha

So thank you for being here, and thank you for listening and for your patience! I'll do everything I can to keep up.

- chiyo

[hwashotcheeto]

This is a vent post that will probably get deleted, but it's still important to get it out.

I've been genuinely considering going inactive for quite some time now.

Everything in my life has been so incredibly stressful. Fuck, even living right now is exhausting.

It's hard to struggle to even stay alive. It's hard to tell yourself to keep living. It's so goddamn hard to stay alive, when everything hurts, and you feel so alone despite the friends and family you have, when nothing makes you happy.

It's so hard. It's so fucking hard.

I can't even think about writing right now. I'm no where near well enough to be able to write anything.

It's still going to be a while before I publish what I've promised, but I'm not taking on any new projects. I'm finishing what I have.

And after...who knows.

I really don't know. But I'm not going to disappear without saying anything.

We'll see what the future holds.

For those of you who've still supported me, thank you. It means everything and more. You're wonderful. 💜

[sysmedsaresexist]

So

Here's the deal.

I have officially resigned from SN.

Here's my message.

@Moderator I am giving SN my resignation.

You've got until the weekend to figure out a public reply before I go ham.

This isn't about me, it's about my frustration over defending all of you.

I actually haven't been directly named yet. I could literally walk away unscathed, but my heart hurts so much and I am filled with so many emotions that I feel like I'm going to burst. I am internally imploding.

Keeping quiet has made me physically ill, I have lost twenty pounds, I have ongoing shingles from stress (the stress being unable to deal with strong emotions with no outlet), I am feeling ashamed of myself, who I am, how I handle things. I am full of guilt and self hatred over my feelings. Why can't I just be like you guys? Why can't I just let it wash over me and move on and ignore it?

I question everything I post and say now.

I am once again a child being told that everything I feel is wrong, that I'm wrong.

I'm not blaming any of you for that, but my mental health is falling apart.

Part of my healing was embracing my anger and not being ashamed of my feelings, and venting them honestly and openly.

I'm fifty feet back in my journey, and back to hiding and killing my thoughts and emotions.

I haven't switched since April because I'm so scared to let anyone else out that I can't control.

I'm not like you guys, I can't let this continue.

I love you all, so much.

Everything works out in the end, even if it's not how you expected.

Good luck, see you all on the other side.

Bois

I can't wait to make these people look like the fools they are

I can't wait to point out everything about all of this drama

I can't wait to show Sophie how fucking off the mark she is about all these accusations

I can't wait to drop screenshots of the two members that are complaining (yes, because there's only two, out of OVER 300 members) acting like absolute CHILDREN

I can't wait to state the real stances of mods on some of these topics so we can clear the air

To the members:

I am so happy to have met all of you, the community YOU all created is amazing, and I'm grateful and so honoured to have been a part of it. I have never met a group of kinder, more understanding people in my life, and I hope each and every one of you achieves your goals ❤️

I know a lot of you are going to ask why, wondering what I'm doing, but what are we supposed to do? What do they want from us? What's going to make it stop? None of you deserve this, and someone needs to point that out.

Let's cover the big ones

Was SN involved in the banning of Sophie? No. The server only opened that same day.

Was SN involved in the second banning of Sophie? No. That was only two days later, we still weren't fully open.

The few members in the server show complete confusion over her banning, and rules were added that first day that those involved in harassment or false reporting would be banned.

Was SN involved in the banning of eeveecraft? This one is actually hilarious because you'll see that no one knew who the hell eeveecraft was. It's genuinely hilarious the number of, "who?" Like, wow, you're really not that important.

The Sophie bot: it was a handful of uwus and a joke about balloon popping, THAT'S IT, I am LITERALLY looking at the members being upset over one of Sophie's posts at the time, members venting hurt and fear and upset, extreme frustration, struggling with feelings of powerlessness, and someone made a joke, and I'm looking at apologies and rule updates FROM BEFORE SOPHIE EVEN KNEW ABOUT IT

One user made a post and mistakenly or accidently implied it was still happening, but they weren't even in the server at the time it happened. It was not months of rping and harassment. I am still pissed about that post.

It was one person, one night, get over yourself

While watching the SN mods live rent free in Sophie's head was funny, it's just annoying now. Sorry one of the members did something dumb. Can we have apologies for all the baseless accusations you've slung our way, and the ACTUAL months of harassment?

SN harbouring a pedo?! Mods were very open and honest with members during the event. Multiple announcements were made as we investigated. We spoke with members about their comfort. In the end, the accusations were unfounded, confirmed to be false by the alleged victims themselves. We did our due diligence and we supported our members. There are zero safety concerns.

Their real name?! It wasn't their deadname, HOW THE FUCK WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW, WHAT WERE YOU SERIOUSLY THINKING WHEN YOU LEGALLY CHANGED YOUR NAME TO THAT, WHY

Also, see a therapist, your obsession with that person is TERRIFYING and you genuinely need to talk to someone

My past relationships: thank you for dragging that into this, low move, it's not like I had just gotten the situation to calm down and I was finally able to relax, but you're known to react before hearing both sides. Trust me, the damage was mutual, and I can't talk about it because I'm being blackmailed. That person has my name and address. To them, go ahead, post it, let the community decide if it was one-sided and if I blew off my apology.

[bloodredfeathers]

Hands

What I think the boys hands are like (in a non sexual way stfu)

Characters: Jamil Viper, Idia Shroud, Jack Howl, Trey Clover

A/N: My first fanfic/hc work that I wanna post because I've been tempted to start but idk I've just been hesitant, please enjoy and send requests if you want! Also the drabble parts kinda get longer with each character I'm sorry I couldn't control it lol 🧡

Gender neutral reader, established relationship in Jack and Trey's parts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jamil Viper

Soft hands

Very gentle

Long and slim fingers

His hands have a very comfortable warmth to them, even in winter

They never get sweaty. Like...absolutely never. It's almost weird

"Jamillllll!" Yuu whined. "My hands are cold!"

"Well I told you to bring gloves," Jamil sighed. Yuu never listened, insisting that they'd be fine because "the cold never bothered them anyway!"

Yeah no, it was mid winter, and incredibly cold.

"Please! At this rate I'll get hypothermia! Or frostbite!"

Jamil rolled his eyes, taking his hands out of his pockets and encasing Yuu's hands in his own.

"There, is that better?" Jamil asked.

Yuu nodded, feeling very happy with this outcome. You see, they weren't exactly THAT cold, they just wanted an excuse to hold his hand.

Idia Shroud

Bros got cold hands lol

But it's like that comfortable cold if ykwim

His fingers are also long and thin

And he has that skin whiter than Casper The Ghost so you can see a lot of his veins

Since he's a gamer boy too, his hands tend to be a little shaky when not occupied

I just wanna hold his hand tbh I love him

Idia jumped in surprise when his bedroom door suddenly (and loudly) slammed open and in stomped Yuu, red faced and slightly sweating.

"Um..." Idia hesitated. "Are...you okay?"

"No! I am not okay!" Yuu growled in a frustrated manner. "It's hot as balls out there and Coach Vargas had us run a mile before making us play a horribly intense round of capture the flag! And of course I just HAD to be the one to go against Jack who's naturally good at everything workout related!"

"Woah, bummer," Idia had no idea how else to respond, Yuu had already been panting and sweaty when they entered his room, but now after their vent, it seemed like they could hardly breathe.

"And now I have a horrible headache and feel like I'm going to die of heat stroke!" Yuu sat on Idia's bed, looking dejected.

Idia stood from his gaming chair and grabbed a soft cloth before sitting beside Yuu.

"Idia, what are you doing?" Yuu asked a slightly red faced Idia.

"I uh..." Idia paused. "Just...just be quiet and put your head down!"

Yuu did just that, and Idia used the cloth to wipe the sweat off of the back of Yuu's neck. He then placed his hands there, feeling just how hot it was.

"Great sevens your hands are cold!" Yuu exclaimed. "But that does feel nice..."

Idia smiled, glad he was doing something right.

(Sorry that was really long I've had Idia brainrot for like two weeks-)

Jack Howl

Big hands big hands big hands-

Another man with warm hands

Sort of rough and callused to the touch

But he knows he's strong so he tries to be gentle

Still very pretty hands, like Hozier's but with thicker fingers

My dirty thoughts are taking over JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL-

"JACK!" Yuu yelled before pouncing on Jack's back, clinging like a koala. He dropped the ball he was holding to quickly secure his hands around Yuu's legs to keep them in place.

"Hey Yuu, what brings you here?" Jack crouched, and Yuu dropped to the ground.

"Nothing really," Yuu said, smiling. "It's just a really nice day so I figured you'd be out here!"

Jack's ear twitched before his tail began wagging subtly. Of course Yuu knew that, with the warmth of the sun and the cool breeze, Jack would take the advantage to be outside.

"Ah yeah," Jack said, unsure of exactly what to say. "I just thought I'd do some outdoor training while the weather's nice."

Yuu smiled and picked up the ball Jack was holding before.

"I never knew you liked rugby!" They said in wonder. Jack's ears flattened slightly in embarrassment.

"I'm not really into football," he said. "But I do like rugby. I find it fun."

Jack reached out to take the ball from Yuu, his hands brushing over theirs. He tucked the ball under his left arm as Yuu grabbed his right hand.

"You have nice hands..." Yuu said as they inspected Jack's hand, playing with his fingers and running their own over the back of his hand. Jack's ears flattened to the sides even more and he felt his face heat up, but his breaking point was when they raised his hand a bit and placed a gentle kiss on it.

He couldn't focus on anything after they said goodbye and left. He just sat in the cool grass, looking at his hand, still blushing at the thought of their lips on it.

Yuu broke him. It's his first relationship cut him some slack!

Trey Clover

He also has long slender hands and fingers

And his can range between being warm and being cold

Usually though his fingertips are cold but his palms are warm

His hands are always clean, a habit he picked up because of baking is constant hand washing

It's obviously not a bad thing, I'm just saying he's always washing his hands out of habit

Trey whistled a cheery tune as he mixed the egg whites and the sugar for his meringue. Once the desired stiff peaks formed, he retrieved the ice cream and cake layers from the freezer, finally coating the treat in the meringue.

Yuu walked into the kitchen, sighing happily at the scent of the sweet treats their beloved was making. They wrapped their arms around Trey, hugging him from behind and leaning into his back, enjoying the comforting warmth.

"Whatcha makin?" They said lazily. Trey smiled.

"Baked Alaska," he said. "I've never made it before, but it seems to be going well! I'm almost done, I just need to torch the meringue."

Trey grabbed the crème brulee torch he had on the side and lit the baked Alaska, watching it be consumed in gentle orange and blue flames.

Soon enough, they extinguished themselves and the meringue had a beautiful, crispy golden brown shell.

"Wanna try some?" Trey asked, and Yuu nodded excitedly, watching as he carefully sliced the baked Alaska and offered them a spoonful of the treat. They gladly accepted it, and it was absolutely delicious. Trey chuckled quietly and used his thumb to wipe a bit of ice cream off of the corner of Yuu's mouth.

His hands were gentle, and Yuu couldn't stop watching everything they did. He moved gracefully, but his hands especially so. As he washed his hands, grabbed something to cover the rest of the dessert, placed it in the fridge, cleaned up his workspace, all Yuu could do was watch how his hands worked.

"You're staring," Trey observed, not looking up from where he was wiping the counter. "Is something up?"

"Nah," Yuu said. "You just have really pretty hands."

Trey stopped working and looked at Yuu, then at his hands, and back to Yuu.

"You really think so?"

Yuu nodded, placing a hand atop his, running their thumb along the back of his hand and smiling gently, which in turn, caused Trey to smile as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And we done! Lmk what you thought and if you think I should write more!

💥~Akira~💥

Also bonus for what I mean by Jack's "Hozier Hands"

Hozier has like the prettiest hands I'll cry

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for lashing out at my little brother? (TW death, s//c/de)

I.. there's a lot to summarize. I'm not sure if I would want to talk about it too much, and I don't want to make this a vent post. But I would have to at least talk about some of my problems to explain, so please excuse my burdens

During this time, I fell into a huge state of depression. Someone I really cared about had recently died from her own wishes and I didn't know how to deal with it. I couldn't get up from bed for almost a year. Almost everything was a huge task for me. I couldn't talk and u could barely eat. It was so weird... my own little brother had to take care of me. Sometimes I feel like he was forced to grow up a little bit just because of me... I'm sorry. He would bring me food to bed and I wouldn't even eat it most of the time. It was very stressful for all of us and I was being selfish while he was just trying to help.

Things weren't changing. Ever day I just got more and more miserable. Another thing is that I didn't feel like I deserved anything. All of my family would constantly take care of me as if I were an infant. I love them but I felt like I didn't deserve it.

I didn't feel a twinge of joy in so long. And at times all I wanted to do was scream.

And sometimes I felt like it was my fault she died.

Everything was just so overwhelming.

At one point, my brother came up to my bed and handed me over some food. I didn't respond at all. I knew I was being rude but during this time I just really, really couldn't talk or eat. I really couldn't socialize. I just needed to stay in bed. Maybe even starve myself. I didn't even feel hungry. I didn't feel anything but pain.

Then he said something that I just... that I just couldn't believe.

I love my little brother. He's amazing and he always tries his best, especially when it comes to helping others.

But he can be really, really blunt.

And oblivious.

When I didn't talk back to him, he said how she would hate to see me like this. The one i loved. The one that died.

I just sort of... snapped. It was so sudden. I know how he didn't mean anything bad, but it was just such a sudden attack from his part.

I had already blamed myself for what happened to her, and he just spelled it out, right there, for me.

I started yelling at him. I couldn't control myself. I started insulting him. Now that I look back at it, even if he tried not showing it, he was definitely hurt by it. I said some pretty nasty things. It was the first time I got out of bed. The sheer anger, grief, just.. everything, all that energy combusted into one sudden outburst.

He didn't deserve it. He was just a kid trying his best. He was just trying to help me. He didn't see how what he said could've hurt me.

But it did.

So much.

Not long afterwards, my parents rushed into the room and hugged me. They haven't seen me like this in ages. But then I saw him just standing there in shock. I could see his tears forming as much as he tried blocking it out.

I hugged him and it was fine. From then on, I started getting back to my old life again. I studied and did chores again. Nothing could ever be the same again, but at least I got the slight energetic push towards.. the right step?

Well, it was certainly better than how I was before.

It's been years since then, we never bring it up and we're on good terms, but I still think about it. And I'm scared it damaged him. I really shouldn't have snapped at him. I'm just wondering if my actions are excusable at all..

Aita?

[turtlecleric]

assumption - others have said in need of a hug (yes true) but also,

may not have been praised in the way that you deserved growing up and instead others tried to dim your light because they were envious or wanted to see you fail (->im here to tell you they suck ass. you're everything and more; skilled; determined; worthy; and i love you so so much and i am so so proud of you)

Did you know that I would die for you? Did you know that I love you so goddamn much? Did you?

This is way too much personal info that no one actually cares to know, probably, but. I'm sort of avoiding work on purpose at the moment and I'm having a really rough day. Who needs therapy when you have asks on Tumblr to rant in? (I'm joking, to be clear. Actual therapy is so valuable and important if you manage to find a competent professional who clicks well with you. The only reason I stopped going is because of Covid, time, and money.)

Warning: VERY long vent ahead, please do not feel obligated to read or respond

My dad was really good about praising me in ways that felt genuine, actually, though that made the times he /was/ upset with me all that much worse. My dad isn't perfect, and he's done some things and said some things that I'll never forgive, that I'll never be able to forget, but I would also do anything for him. I know he's there for me when I need it, I know he'll answer when I call, I know that he actually cares about me. He and maybe like two cousins are the only family I would never be able to cut off.

My mom... I guess it was just sort of the baseline bare minimum expectation that I would do things well, so when I /was/ praised it was just like... oh, good job sweetie! Proud of you! But it didn't feel... I don't know how to describe why but... I don't know. Now, when people tell me I do things well I always have that voice in my head that's like "they're just being nice, they don't actually think it's all that great, they expected you to do a much better job than this, actually, why did you even bother sharing? Why did you think this was something to be proud of?" I read way too far into things, interpreting neutral reactions, or even positive reactions that aren't as enthusiastic as I might have hoped for, as proof that people are simply being nice and don't really like what I do or make or say all that much. I always get stuck in this mindset that I'm not allowed to create mediocre content, like it all has to be Excellent or else it's Terrible.

I also remember in high school, posting some drawings on Facebook that I was really proud of. Two drawings, one with hands in chains and cut up and the other with healed hands glowing with holy light and cradling a cross. It was supposed to show the difference between life without God and life with God (I was... VERY religious as a teenager. I am now agnostic.), but she saw the first picture and freaked out, super pissed, yelling at me to take it down, to not embarrass her like that, because people were going to see that and think I was abused or depressed or something (haha... me? Depressed? Nahhhhh). And that was the moment when I knew I could never ever ever share anything even remotely dark with her, that if I ever were to express something that indicated I was anything other than good and happy and perfect then she would react similarly. She's also very judgemental regarding mental health, often made comments about how "people who are/do x are sick, there's just something wrong with them, make sure you stay away from people like that" while I'm sitting on the couch like... oof. That's me. So all my venting went to Tumblr where she couldn't see, and even now I mostly only vent on Tumblr and through writing. I have many wonderful friends that would gladly allow me to vent to them (I love you all so much I love you I love you I love you, thank you for being so kind), but I simply Cannot. I've had a friend before where it felt like all they did was complain, they were always so goddamn negative, and it became a chore to talk to them. I started to get angry every time they said or did something defeatist, I stopped enjoying talking or hanging out with them, and I refuse to be that person. Even if I'm told over and over that I don't come across that way, I'm so terrified of it that when I think about reaching out I start to think of that friend and about how I shouldn't bother people and I panic. Unless I've gotten to the point where I truly believe that nothing I do or say will ruin the friendship, then it's really hard to push through that fear. But that's so much harder than it used to be because I /did/ lose a friend that I thought I would have literally for the rest of my life, I was so 100% confident that we would be 80 years old still hanging out with each other and goofing around, so sure we could go through anything together and stay friends, I knew in my heart and soul that we would be friends until we died, and I was wrong. I was wrong. I also had a different friend who was always there for me, always praised me, always listened to me when I needed it and told me kind things and made sure I felt welcome and loved and viewed positively, and then he fucking assaulted me one night when he thought I was asleep.

Anyway. When I /did/ fail at things growing up, it was either punished more severely than necessary or straight up laughed at. Mom was very hot and cold, too, you could never tell what kind of mood she was going to be in that day. (She is still like this. It's well known in my family that you never know which version of her you're going to get.) Things are fine one moment and then suddenly I'm in trouble for something I didn't even realize I did wrong (like with the drawings), so I'm just. Terrified of not doing well enough at things, of disappointing people, of people being annoyed with me or upset with me over something I didn't even realize was rude or mean or wrong to begin with.

"Don't overstay your welcome; don't bother people" was pounded into my head. I can't express how often I start to say or type something and then think, "No one cares. Stop bothering people. You're being too much, you're being annoying, they're tired of you, just keep it to yourself." I'm working on it but. Yeah. Half the time I still just stop talking or backspace and stay quiet. Even typing this, I'm like... you should delete this. You're basically just begging for attention, and if anyone says anything about this to you then it'll only be because they felt obligated to and they're going to start seeing you as a whiny, pathetic, manipulative person, and they're going to get tired of you and roll their eyes every time you say anything, even if it's not you venting, or they'll see this and think about how stupid or weird it is for you to put this information out on the internet, and even this sentence right here is proof that they'd be right because you're aware of all these thoughts and you're still doing it.

But then another part of me thinks that if I can't even vent on my own blog on a post that literally no one is required to read that is also hidden under a readmore and clearly states that it's a vent post, then where /can/ I vent? And if someone else posted this, would I be this harsh on them? And what's so wrong with seeking attention and comfort? Why is that unforgivable in yourself but admirable in others? Why are you crying at work? Why aren't you doing your job? Why aren't you better? Why aren't you better?

[jewbeloved]

Trigger warning: $uicidal thoughts, bullying mentioned, ableism, a ltitle swearing.

If you aren't interested in reading vents and only read it for the giggles, then please scroll away.

Sign...where do I even begin? I'm just sick and tired of always telling myself everything is going to be alright. If I'm being honest, social media and the Internet is probably what's keeping me alive. I always use it to cope and disconnect myself from the shit that's around me. I feel like my mental health isn't getting better at all, instead it's just getting worse. Often I keep having thoughts in my head that nobody even cares about me and I start to wonder if that is actually true.

I have been dealing with family issues and bullying for years now....No I am not being @bu$ed or anything. But compared to other people and my family, I feel they just don't understand me. I have severe trust issues that I can't even talk to anybody about my problems anymore. Not even adults. Talking to my guidance counselor made me realize that.

Imagine giggling and making faces while someone is venting or talking about their problems. My family gives me the impression that they would probably do what my guidance counselor did but in a more different way..I feel like my feelings and problems are just a joke to everyone and they also use it to lecture me for no reason.

I used to be really outgoing and energetic and I loved talking to people. But now, I'm just a shut-in quiet kid. I don't feel like myself at all anymore. Family issues, ableism, and judgment got to me. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Now that I am all quiet and stuff, nobody wants to judge me or pick on me. I'm honestly still surprised I am even alive at this point given how an obnoxious kid back in middle school told me to drink BLEACH. Damn, I have already been given a d€ath threat for the first time in my life before I even reached high school.

Ugh. I really like spending time on social media because it helps distract me from the pain I have experienced outside of it. Making posts, fanfics, art, playing games, watching videos. All of that stuff makes me happy...but someday I feared that it won't be enough to stop me from pushing myself to the edge and offing myself.

Even if someone wanted to be my friend, I feel like they wouldn't last long and just get bored of me because most of the people I talk to have no clue what the stuff I am interested in are, I would just feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.

My family is homophobic and they probably wouldn't accept me if they found out I was Asexual or just a part of the LGBTQ community in general. I am a biological sex female at birth, but I want to identify as a non-binary person as my gender. Which is something I would never speak about with my parents since they love to chat about anything they hear to everyone and I don't want that.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I'm terribly sorry that this vent long guys, I have so many things going on in my life which impacts on how long it takes me to post anything here. I don't know what else to say so I will end it here, I hope you all have a wonderful night.. (I'm writing this at 4:13 am in the middle of the night).

[vampzzi]

IDENTIFY VAMPIRE?? 一 ♡ ﹒﹒﹒NICK X VAMPIRE! READER

CW; Reader is black and agender, Readers genitals is not specified, Eventual smut (in chapter 2), reader is of age and is 19 whilst Nick is 20 years old, reader is turnt into a vampire, mild desc of gore/blood, belief mentions of sex in this chapter, hypersexual reader, reader has a darker aesthetic to them (kinda...), you know Emma, Max and Laura before The Quarry, Non-Beta Read

⌗ → PART 1 ﹒﹒ ﹒ PART 2 (in the works) ﹒﹒﹒PART 3 (Bonus)

<3 ; 3K WORDS,, takes place during the ending of readers closing highschool year shifting into the summer of them now going to college

The end of highschool was smooth, you finished with a decent amount of credits not enough to be seen as the smartest person ever but just enough to pass highschool as an average. Your skin shivered as your mind held the flashback of sitting in a cold classroom, clutching onto your jacket while you disassociated from what the professor was saying as a few tears hit the paper from how cold you were. Could you blame your eyes from watering? No, but it didn’t help either the tears ran down your cold cheeks, stringing your skin as you sighed out. 

You shook your memories away as you laid in bed, your roommate had nagged you on to do something exciting for summer instead of rotting away in your room like the lazy bum you were, wait ouch, that’s too harsh you just didn’t wanna leave the comfort of your home for your own sake. You rather lay in your room with the air down to a reasonable temperature while your laptop was open to some random smut, sketchbooks open on the bed, half naked in bed with one of your legs out on top of the covers. Ass out and everything who cares it’s the comfort of your own home. But nooo, you had to do something to occupy yourself or you’d wake up at 3:15AM listening to your roomates loud moans, as the bed smacked against the wall while you the smell of sex flowed through your vents and made you cringe in your sheets.

You hated listening to the loud “I love you’s” while the sound of bed banging got louder, sometimes you’d hear your walls crack wondering if one day they’ll fuck the bed through the wall, it made you sick. You had been single for the longest time. You'd tried to stay in relationships but they always left you because you were “too much” for them to handle. Whatever the fuck that meant as you harshly grabbed one of your comfortable pillows and pulled it over your face as you yelled into it, the muffled sounds of screaming only ringing through your ears, taking the pillow off your face you looked at the ceiling. When would you find your true love, you could really use a shining night and armor in your bed right now maybe not even having sex with you just kissing your neck to your collarbone, sweet love you’s. 

That’s all you ask for, why is it so hard to achieve that? Who fucking knows dude.

Picking your phone up off the night dresser as it was charged up as you yanked the charger out, the stupid thing only worked at an angle anyways and it pissed you off so much. As you opened up you saw Laura and Max on your feed, you had been with them during your highschool days thanks to late study nights with Laura you passed the scieney part of your report with flying colors. Seeing them making dancing tiktoks and enjoying their life made you fucking sick, seeing them feed each other food and then a quick peck made you shut yout phone down and toss it as you sat up quickly to inspect it and make you didn’t break it as you let a harsh breath.

Your lovely best friend Emma posted about working at the Hackett’s Quarry this summer and you gulped you had heard all kinds of crazy shit about that place, the lady who haunted the place looking for her lost son and turning anyone she saw fit into her son. The mysterious fire, the saviors, everything. You’ll never forget the day your friend said she’d plow Travis Hackett and oh my gee, you’d have to agree with them. He was on campus one day and my friend and I wanted to drop dread when we saw him. Telling his heroic story that was life changing for the name “Hackett’s Quarry”.

Omg, I should tell the story of how I met Emma. Eh, that’s a side story but some crazy shit happens between you two that can be told later on cause you’re too tired to talk about it in your mind. You bundle yourself into your covers and close your laptop as you yawn and lay your head into your soft pillow, looking at the ceiling as your eyes get too heavy for your own body as they shut close and you black out into a deep slumber before your eyes burst open and you grab your phone with a painful grip to mankind as you stare at the time “2:06AM” lovely.

 You could read some smut until you fall asleep, as you open your browser and switch to incognito mode typing in your favorite characters name before clicking enter and scrolling through the fics to read. “F!vampire reader x (insert character) NSFW!!” ugh, why is it female reader always and she’s always described as a basic white girl, blonde straight hair, ocean like blue eyes and plump ass kylie jenner lips. You don’t mind female readers but you don't consider yourself female, you consider yourself as just an agender human being in the world.

Gender neutral smuts were cool but they always had female genitals but here’s the thing: your genitals were just genitals, something that could suck in a cock and grip it forever could be your ass or your pussy who knows? You clicked onto the smut anyways and read through the author’s long ass notes before continuing” “He ran his fingers through her brown silk locs while gripping her plump white hips, thrusting his cock between them while she flashed her fangs in surprise biting into his shoulder as he groaned out as the precum slipped onto his milky white thighs” 

Exactly what I mean, like are we even the reader or is this just smut for YOURSELF. Like cmon now, you shut your phone as you weren't horny anymore and more frustrated than anything, forcing yourself back into anger slumber.

“Wakey wakey (name)..it’s 8AM”

You groaned as drool was on the side of your face and you looked rough as fuck, you gulped as your throat was dry and itchy as you coughed out. “G-Goodmorning Kuron” Her curls tickled her face as the rest of her was pulled back into a silk headwrap, a satin pajama set covered her body as her beautiful black features stood tall and strong in the morning sun. “Goodmorning, (Name) !!” you said in a sing-song voice as she headed for the door “When you’re cleaned up, my darling made you some of your favorite pancakes” You nodded and cracked a small smile as the door closed and you sighed out.  They are perfect for each other, if they aren’t like Jaiden then you don’t want them. You laugh to yourself as you know you’ll take anything you can get well not just anything you’re kinda picky, maybe.

You let your cold feet hit the ice cold floor as your entire body freezes and you open your door to tiptoe to the bathroom, slamming the door gently behind you as you start the water, listening to it hit the sink as you pick up your toothbrush and begin your morning routine, wash your face, brush your teeth and floss (to be safe.). You also check if you should shave to also be safe you

never know when you’re gonna get laid I guess. Making your way out the bathroom to the kitchen as you wave at them “Goodmorning (Name)” Jaiden says to you as they have a warm smile on their face. You smile back before muttering a good morning and sitting down and grabbing the fork as you dip into the pancakes of pancakes, sticking the knife inside and cutting a piece of a taking a bite of the delicious stack of pancakes you’ve ever eaten. 

You mutter “so goods” you continue to eat the stack of flapjacks until they’re completely gone and the plate is nothing but a few drops of leftover syrup drops. “That’s was so good Jaiden, thank you so much” you hum out as you kick your legs back in n fourth as it was a habitat you had as a child, as they could only chuckle out and reply with a thank you. You got up and waved to them as you made your way back to your room as you grabbed your phone and checked to see a few texts from Emma. 

Okay so one of the pics was Emma in a bikini top, water dripping down the suit and glowing on her perfectly shaped breast as you gulped and looked at the caption “Super Fun beach day!! Streaming later for my emmanation <33” You giggled at the name “emmanation” it was such a cheesy name for her followers but you were glad she was happy,you scrolled through the messages once more before settling on “You should sign up to be a Counselor at Hackett’s Quarry with us.” Your heart hit the floorboards as you gasped out for air and looked back out the message “Hackett’s Quarry”?! Was she out of her damned mind!! But then again, you should really get out the house cause Jaiden and Kuron's honeymoon was soon and they said they were ready for and- you don’t wanna say anymore.

You texted her back…

YOU!! ; I’m down..

     READ AT 9:15AM

Emmii; Yay yay! I’m so glad you’ll be joining me this summer here’s the number to talk to Chris Hackett (XXX-XXX-XXXX) <3

YOU: Thanks Em, you’re a trooper heh get it?

READ AT 9:17 + EMMII HEARTED YOUR MESSAGE

You crack a smirk at the short conversation you two exchanged as you click from social media to your phone app, as you enter the number the exact way Emma sent it as you click the call button and let the phone ring, as you got hesitant you wanted to hang out. What if you didn’t make the cut, Emma would laugh at you for days on days. You almost clicked the end call button before a cheery males voice connected to your ears, “Hello! This is Chris Hackett, owner of Hackett’s Quarry. How may I assist you today!”. 

You froze in your tracks, trying to figure out what to say to Mr. Hackett “We-ll, M-Mr, m–my name is n-nAmE!!” you say it is broken with low soft parts, mixed with loud excited parts. He hums over the phone “Well, name, how may I assist you?”

“I was wondering if you were still accepting camp counselors” He tapped the desk as he looked at the list and smiled before returning back to you “Yes, we are! Are you interested?” “Yes. Yes I am” you responded way faster than you thought you would, “I’m gonna ask you a series of questions and then I’II see if you quantify “Yes sir.”

After being quizzed on for what felt like hours, he was finally done. “Well Name, I’m gonna have to say…” your head filled with possible answers ‘you didn't make the cut” “sorry kid, you don’t fit it” but his response shocked you. “Welcome to the Team.” Your body eased at the response, still tense but more at ease as you nodded “Thank you Sir, I’II see you in 2 days then.” “See you then kiddo”

You flopped onto the bed letting out a sigh of relief as your body reacted differently you were in relief and pure shock, you couldn't believe you had got the position, your first reaction was to calm down and then text Emma the news but instead you just decided to straight away text away, which backfired because of your anxiety and shit grammar. 

YOU!! ; I gotfj the jobd1!1!

 Read 10:24

Emma; that’s good to hear, I’m so excited to spend this summer with you.

You: same <3

 Read 10:25

Smiling as you place the floor down, you stare at the ceiling, you have 2 days to get some nice clothing, get your messy hair situated and get packed. You better head out now and oh– you get paid later today, your paycheck should hit around 6pm since the systems are down. What could you do for 5 hours until 5:30? Walking around you step on your gaming controller and you pick it up and click your tongue, maybe play some skullgirls or Detroit becomes human. You really need to get all the dbh endings so you’ll settle on that for now. Walking over to your PS4 and beginning the start it up and you drop onto the bed and flick through the small amount of games before loading up dbh, as the story progresses so does the day as the day shifts from all sunny to a beautiful orangy, yellow color with hints of red in the sky.

. ～ (㇏(•̀ᵥᵥ•́)ノ) - uh oh..name..run while you can..

Your phone dings when the timer goes off as it’s 5:30 and you decide to get off the couch, saving the game and powering off the game system as you get and stretch your body followed by a loud yawn. Making your way over to your dresser you pick out something light and simple to put on, it’s still hot and moist out and you wouldn't wanna risk it, a tank top (with a picture or not, your preference)  and some pants fit this category. You slide on your cozy shoes and grab your belongings off the night dresser and make your way out the room, Jaiden and K are sleeping on the couch while a cheesy romcom plays with the fake laughter in the background.

You open the door and step out as the cool air hits your body sending chills down your entire body as you make your way to your car, opening the door, climbing inside and starting up the vehicle. While on your way to the store, your payment was processed and it already hit your card while you were driving and humming to the tunes of your favorite song. 

As you pulled into the parking lot of the store. You step outside the car and make your way to the store, something feels off as the chilly weather blows paper bags in the wind as you walk into the store. This takes you a while to pick out clothes going through the many aisles, picking out outfits you find amazing outfits to wear as you place them in your handbasket. Making your way to the front of the store you pay for the items and making your way out stepping outside something feels extremely wrong.

As you walk to your car, open the passenger door and place your bags inside you hear a woman scream you flinch at the sound as you quickly shut the car door, now normally you wouldn't check it out but the help me and save me gets to you and before opening your door you bolt into the woods. It’s dark, wet and quiet. The sun is basically gone and it's nothing but darkness. You crunch the leaves and continue running before slowing down to catch a breath and listen to heavy breathing, seeing the corpse in front of you , you freeze but bolt something running behind you in a quiet fluid motion, something you’ve never seen before.

You don't stop, you won’t stop, you can't stop. Your body is pushing beyond it limits for your safety as you can see the lights, you push yourself faster to get into the lights of the parking lot as you drop your phone out your jacket pocket, fuck fuck fuck. Forget it, your life is more important right now. You continue to pace yourself and run. It hasn't stopped chasing you yet and it attacks you from a tree branch, gripping your hair and pushing your face into the dirty ground as you watch the little worm wiggle across the leaves as your head is hit into the ground, again and again. Blood dribbles down your nose as the vicious thing opens its mouth and licks at your bruised bloody nose, before retracting and biting you– hard.

You can do nothing but scream out for help as it muffles you by pushing your face into the pile of leaves, you can feel the teeth ripping your skin away as the blood runs down and then the cold wetness of this monster's tongue follows the trail. You can't breathe, you’re in shock and you don't know how it’s gonna get out of you. Gripping at the ground, you make your way to the rock as the monster claws at your hand, you yell out and grab the rock bashing it into the monster's head as it hits the ground running in the opposite direction while grabbing your phone before bolting off.

Your screen protector is cracked but you can't worry about that now, the only thing you can worry about is calling someone and getting help. Your lungs feel tight and like they’re on fire as you finally make it to the other side of the parking lot running to your car and unlocking it and getting inside, closing the door and locking it behind you. You want to dial the police, your roommate, anyone but people would think you’d gone crazy so what could you really do. You felt your neck as you hissed out in pure agony as it hit like hell to touch bringing your hand to the face to see the dark red crimson blood on your hands as you began to cry, you had got

attacked and barely made it out alive, All cause you wanted to be a hero, how stupid. You start up the car and get away from the store and forest, you need a story and goodnight of rest to put your panicked mind at ease. The car was pure silent as you looked into the rear mirror of your car, gulping as your body was warm and your hands trembled while you were driving, quickly getting off the road as you parked into the driveway, got the bags and went inside you sighed out as the house was dark and moaning could be heard from the other room as you let out a louder annoyed sigh. 

After a warm shower and getting the first aid kit, you're patting at the bite with some rubbing alcohol, yes it fucking burns but it’s for the better. You don't need this nasty ass bite getting infected right?? You put the bandage over the bite and lay down as you look at the ceiling once more, you're so drained out of energy it only takes one breath and you're out like a light. Little did you know, your downfall has only began,, over the course of the 1 day you spent packing, you were insanely weak, too weak for your own good as you struggled to get outside the house,getting into the car and making your way to your reversed hotel room for the night as you thought it would be a better idea to be there so you could be closer to Hackett’s Quarry.

You made your way into the hotel with your small baggage and took the key from the ladies hand as you made your way to the elevator and went to the 6th floor of the building walking through the cool halls as you unlocked the doors and walked into the fairly nice sized room. Tonight, you would rest and in the morning it's off to Hackett's Quarry Summer camp.

Author’s note; breaking this story into TWO parts because I don’t want this to be too long. You will have your smut in chapter two I promise you just give me some time lovelies <3

[lotusthewriter]

Papercut

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Steven & Lars; MINOR - Steven & The Cool Kids, Steven & Sadie, Lars/Sadie

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga, The Cool Kids, Sadie Miller; MENTIONED - The Crystal Gems, Connie Maheswaran

Summary: Steven has been feeling anxious and he realizes it gets worse when he's alone. So, he tries not to be.

Word count: 3.965

AO3

A/N: Originally published online last week, I just didn't get to post here. This is mainly me venting my anxiety attacks as of late.

I also personally see Steven having BPD, just throwing this here if anyone finds it relevant.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - anxiety and/or panic attacks, hallucination, emotional neglect, abandonment issues, self-hatred, and brief mention of suicidal thoughts.

DO NOT SHIP LARS AND STEVEN.

P/roship DNI.

--

“Anxiety”.

A word Connie has mentioned. It’s a medical term that she taught Steven after what happened to them as Stevonnie. Connie, with her mother’s knowledge, took Garnet’s advice to heart and she gets to manage her anxiety whenever it hits.

Two years later, Steven still hasn’t been able to feel better.

Flexibility, love, and trust.

Flexibility, love, and trust.

Flexibility,

Love,

And

TRUST.

Steven glows pink instead.

Thus, he goes to Garnet to ask for more tips, to know if she could try to help… but the gem tells Steven that he’s the only one who knows the answers. That he should seek them himself. Pearl and Amethyst, who wait for Garnet to head out to Little Homeschool for yet another fieldtrip, agreed indifferently.

Steven can’t even say anything before the three of them are gone in the light of the warp pad, so bright that he feels like it’s going to attack him.

Then, everything is empty.

He only stares at the void like he’s fourteen again.

Just that worsens the ache in his chest, his pink fists clutching his shirt.

Steven rushes back to his safe place, his room, before things get ugly and he goes ballistic, and he grabs his phone to do some research on anxiety. He finds quite a lot of resources.

Since then, he’s trying.

With the gems away to who knows where, and his father also out of town, Steven tries to get by on his own.

(As usual.)

…

But nothing works.

Steven does everything correctly. List five things you can sense. Distract yourself with things you like – watch a movie or a series or funny videos, read a book, listen to music or even podcasts. Breathe. Hug your pillow. Hang out with your friends–

Oh.

He… hasn’t done that in a while.

Steven can’t, though. Everyone is busy and it’s not like they should stop what they’re doing to be with him, right? Right.

Distract yourself.

Distract yourself.

Distract yourself…

Suddenly, a notification.

New texts… from Lars? How long has it been since they last talked? Maybe he needs help with something?

Anyway.

Lars: hey steven, it’s been a while right?

Lars: idk if your busy, but sadie and the cool kids are back in town and we thought of making a lil party

Lars: i know it’s kinda in the last hour so it’s ok if you can’t make it or if you don’t wanna go, but it’d be rlly cool if you came

Lars: but it’s your call of course

Steven looks at the above, wondering if this was predestined. It feels too perfect.

He hasn’t seen his friends in forever.

He types quickly:

Steven: omg I’d love to!!

Steven: I miss you guys sooo much

(Why does it feel like a lie, somehow?)

Lars: aw, we miss ya too buddy

Lars: i miss you coming to the BD to bug me every morning (followed by a pleading emoji)

Steven: Gee, Captain Lars, didn’t know you loved me that much (eyes emoji)

Lars: i was joking.

Steven: Were you really? :3

Lars: ok now your making me regret inviting you

Steven: Noooooo, come on!!

Lars: lmao

Lars: srsly now. 8 at my place, ok?

Steven: Perfect! I’ll see you there! ^^

Lars: (finger gun emojis)

Steven sighs, feeling so… light all of a sudden. Just this one interaction with Lars seems to have calmed him down a little.

The half-gem feels relieved. So relieved.

He can actually get out there and have fun with his friends, catch up with their lives, laugh together, share something tasty to eat…

(And he gets to distract himself from his rising dread.)

(To finally not be reminded how painfully alone he is.)

Well, it’s still 2 PM. From what Dad told him, Sadie and the Cool Kids are going to arrive at 6 PM… so Steven still needs to do something else to keep his mind busy. Maybe cook or bake something for the party. He doesn’t remember Lars mentioning a potluck, but Steven wants to do something nice for his friends nonetheless.

What is he going to cook or bake, then?

…

Or maybe…

--

“... don’t tell me I inspired you with my nostalgia.”

��You could say that,” Steven smirks at Lars’ statement, while holding two huge boxes of donuts with all the flavors he could remember his friends enjoying. As well as…

“You brought salad, too?” Sadie notices, almost wanting to laugh.

“Yeah, like Buck ordered once.”

“Heh, I appreciate your dedication, Steven.” Buck pats his back proudly.

“We miss our favorite roadie,” Sour Cream says, ruffling the younger boy’s curly hair.

Steven’s heart, instead of anguish, is filled with warmth.

“Awe, you guys are going to make me cry,” he jokes.

“Us too! This was so sweet of you, Steven,” Jenny compliments. “I’m glad you could make it!”

“I know every friend says this and it doesn’t always happen… but we should really hang out more,” Buck says, in his same stoic expression. “I love you guys.”

“Yeah, same,” Steven grins affectionately.

It’s a much more casual party this time, which is the best kind of party after such busy times. Lars’ backyard is lit by those small, spherical yellow lights, and everyone sits by the huge picnic table that replaces Lars’ trampoline. Besides the donuts, you can see Lars’ pastries, and apparently snacks that Sadie and the Cool Kids brought from their last tour.

They sing and play some songs together, they laugh at the stories from concerts, outer space, and Little Homeworld… Steven gets to hear more about their lives and how happy they are.

But most importantly, they’re very happy to share it with him.

Which is such an honor.

Steven is genuinely having a good time.

Perhaps the first time in so long…

He’s so happy to be a part of this.

…

The boy’s phone vibrates in his pocket.

He casually checks it, not bothered by it interrupting his immersion in the party. He’s not expecting much, when…

He sees that it’s the gems.

Steven and his family have countless groups for Little Homeschool, and then they have their own private group, just the four of them.

Pearl has sent him a rather quick and dry text informing him of their absence for the next…

Two months.

…

Two months.

Two.

Months.

And no, Steven can’t do anything to stop it.

Because he tries to text them. He sends a million desperate texts.

And his pleads are never answered. And they will never be, because the messages aren’t even sent .

He goes to all their private numbers, and nothing.

Steven calls them, to no avail. There’s not even the option for voicemail.

Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot are on their own separate fieldtrips as well, so it’s useless to try to call them.

No one is reachable.

No one.

No one.

“... Steven. Steven?”

The half-gem only gets a little startled at Lars standing next to him, and bearing the most concerned expression Steven has seen him with. He also realizes everyone else has stopped talking.

“O-Oh, sorry,” he laughs nervously, quickly putting away his phone. “It was nothing.”

“Is everything okay?” Jenny asks.

“You looked like someone died,” Sour Cream observes, also worried.

“No, no, nobody died.” Well, except Lars , Steven would’ve darkly added. “It’s– It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” Sadie questions.

“Yeah.” Steven’s dread returns to his chest, his hands beginning to shake. He hides them in his pockets, which doesn’t help since he feels his cell phone and it’s the thing that ruined everything. He’s doing everything not to turn pink. “I’m sure,” he mumbles.

Everyone looks at one another, unsure. Steven wants to scream.

“Hey,” Lars whispers, putting a hand on Steven’s back. “Do you want to go inside a bit?”

The latter hates that he likes the soothing touch, yet he’s also afraid the former is going to notice Steven is shaking, so he dodges it much to his own dismay.

“It’s okay, Lars,” Steven mumbles, wanting to cry.

He avoids everyone’s eyes, his hand almost crushing his phone into pieces inside his pocket. He’d love to throw this darned thing into the depths of the ocean.

“Sorry, I ruined the moment, didn’t I?” Steven laughs darkly.

“No, Steven, it’s okay,” Sadie reassures him. “You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to, okay?”

“Yeah, man, no worries,” Sour Cream agrees.

Despite that, the party does grow a little quieter. It feels like the emptiness of his house.

Of course. He screwed everything up. Again.

Now they don’t want anything to do with him.

(Like the gems. Like everyone else.)

Steven at least gets to resume his laugh and his smiles, because he’s always been so good at them.

Time goes by…

And they start leaving.

Because obviously, nothing lasts forever.

Jenny is the first one who leaves, and she gives Steven the biggest hug. It doesn’t smell like pizza anymore, instead it’s a sweet scent. It’s different but nice. But too quick.

Sour Cream and Buck leave together. The former sidehugs Steven, while the latter gently tells him to take care of himself, and to always count on them whenever he needs. Steven smiles and nods, without any honesty.

Lastly, Sadie, Lars, and Steven… the original trio. It’s been so long, Sadie and Lars are a lot more comfortable around each other nowadays, holding hands under the table. Steven would’ve fanboyed at another time when he sees Sadie casually kissing Lars’ cheek, causing her boyfriend to go pinkier than what should be possible.

Sadie’s hug, though, is longer than everyone else’s goodbyes.

“It was nice seeing you, Steven,” she grins with some melancholy. “Don’t forget we love you, okay?”

Steven doesn’t believe her, but he plasters a smile on his face just to please her.

“Okay,” he replies simply.

Sadie is convinced, and walks away.

Finally, it’s just him.

The only one left.

Lars is quiet.

Steven knows what he’s going to say.

And before Lars does, the sixteen-year-old puts his distraction in action.

“Oh, do you need help cleaning?” He asks.

“Uh, there’s… not a lot to do.”

“Yeah, but like, I could help with the trash.”

“Steven, it’s fine.”

“No, really, I–”

“Why don’t you go home and rest?” Lars isn’t even being rude, he’s genuinely suggesting it because he can tell Steven isn’t fine.

But going home is not going to help.

It’s the last thing Steven needs.

“Don’t worry, Lars, I can do this!” Steven grins widely and already moves to the table to take the remains of food and plastic, as well as the donut boxes.

He can hear Lars sighing in the back.

(Steven hates himself. Obviously Lars doesn’t want him here.)

(But Steven can’t go back.)

(He can’t go back.)

Indeed, there’s not a lot of work to do. Lars washes whatever dishes he needed for the baking part, while Steven takes care of the trash. There are huge trash bins in the yard, so he easily finishes the job.

… it’s over.

He does more.

Steven seeks out any trash he can find to fill the larger bin, both in the kitchen and the restroom.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Lars asks from afar.

“I’m helping!”

“But you’re done taking out the stuff from the party, aren’t you? Why are you taking out the trash from my house?”

“Because I want to help!”

Before Steven can go back outside, Lars stops him with a frowning face.

“Steven, you’re not okay,” the latter states seriously. “You need to go home.”

“No, I don’t.”

“I think you do. I don’t know what happened that you saw earlier, but you need to rest.”

“I don’t need rest.”

“Oh, you don’t?” Lars sounds sarcastic. “Like you’re not obsessively looking for stuff to do?”

“I’m not doing that!” Steven defends.

“Yeah, and I bet you’re not going to clean all the restrooms next. Or the windows. Or my entire bedroom–”

“Oh, haha , you are SO hilarious,” Steven rolls his eyes and tries to go outside again, only for Lars to step forward to make him go back. “Lars, let me go,” Steven warns.

“Will you at least tell me what’s going on?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Alright, then go home.”

“No.”

“Don’t make me throw you inside my head myself.”

Steven boils. “Just let me do this for you, Lars!”

“I’m telling you you don’t have to!” Lars raises his voice.

“But I want to!”

“And I want you to be okay!”

“But I AM OKAY!”

“You wouldn’t be YELLING at me if you were!”

Steven growls in frustration, “Just let me go outside!”

“NO!”

He has had it.

The half-gem pushes Lars aside harshly, to the point of knocking the latter over, and Steven is too distraught to apologize for it. He rushes outside in the peaceful night.

“STEVEN!” Lars yells from inside the kitchen.

He just needs to do this.

He needs to distract himself, distract, distract, distract–

Steven opens the bin–

Noise.

Light.

Too much.

A swarm of white butterflies comes out of the trash bin, flying so loudly and so close that Steven falls backwards.

No.

Not them.

Not them again.

No. No. NO. NO. NO.

He thought he had it under control. He thought he would be okay. He thought…

Steven hides.

That’s all he can do.

He’s alone, alone, alone, alone.

(And he deserves it.)

…

“... can you hear me? Steven! Steven !”

He’s panting furiously, violently.

“Make it go away!” Steven cries.

“Make what go away?”

“EVERYTHING!”

He half regrets yelling, but Steven knows the butterflies are there, and no one else does.

“Steven…”

“Too much,” Steven speaks in between gasps, “too much, it’s too much, I-I can’t take this anymore!”

At this point, he’s aware that he’s pink and he can’t repress it any longer. It’s consuming his every thought, every part of his body.

“I can’t… I can’t…” Steven heaves.

Whoever is there must have left, right?

Steven is helpless. Hopeless.

…

“Steven, can I touch you?”

Oh… they’re still there.

“Is that okay?” They ask.

Steven doesn’t want to look back. He doesn’t want to see it all.

But…

“... y-yeah,” he hiccups, “okay.”

“Okay. I’m just- gonna help you sit, alright? Are you hurt?”

Steven shakes his head, unsure if it was meant to answer the question.

Either way, he feels hands on him, at first trying to remind Steven that they’re real. The hands are gentle. Scarred, rough, but gentle and slow. Their long fingers are a history of cooking cuts. Steven doesn’t know how he can tell all these details, but he does.

“Easy…” the sixteen-year-old is gradually being moved to sit.

But he knows that he’ll be closer to the butterflies.

“WAIT!” Steven yells in panic.

“What?” The other person stops immediately, but still gets a hold on him.

“I-I don’t want… I don’t…” Steven can’t even say the right words, so they come out as, “I don’t wanna die…”

Well, they’re still kind of true.

“Hey, you’re not going to die.”

“I don’t want to…”

“You’re not. I’m here,” Lars – Lars Barriga, perhaps the best person to deal with someone in this situation – promises. “I’m here, Steven.”

You’ve got nothing to fear

I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.

…

Whimpering.

“I don’t wanna go home.”

He gets silence.

“I d-don’t wanna go h-home,” Steven cries like a little kid after a nightmare. “I-It’s so… empty… so…”

“Lonely?”

Steven nods painfully.

“You’re not going to be alone, okay? I won’t let that happen.”

Lars sounds so sure, and the way he’s rubbing Steven’s shoulders… it brings the latter shivers. The good kind of shivers.

And tears. So many of them. All the tears that he has swallowed and never released them.

Steven clings to his friend, who squeezes him in return, the hug as rough and tender as his mere touch.

“I’ve got you, buddy,” Lars reassures him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

It only makes Steven sob harder, purely out of relief. It’s so ironic, but so true.

He cries for a good couple of minutes or hours, smelling vanilla and butter in Lars’ clothes, not minding the dirty apron the baker is wearing at all. Steven wants to absorb that smell and make it his home, because it feels so safe that he doesn’t want it to go away. He doesn’t want the hands to let him go ever again.

And it feels like Lars wants to protect him from the world, from whatever horrible thing that made Steven like this. Even if he can’t see the butterflies, Lars still seems to shield Steven from them.

Just that has the half-gem finally face reality, finding the butterflies roaming there, endlessly coming out of the trash bin. As Steven expected.

However, with Lars holding him right now, Steven doesn’t feel so overwhelmed anymore.

So… this is what he needed.

He gets now.

Thus, the butterflies finally end and they fly to the sky above, replacing the stars. They will never disappear, as he already knew.

Steven relaxes significantly, like he’s going to pass out in the hug. He lets out a shaky breath while Lars hugs him tightly in response, knowing that it’s the perfect kind of tightness for Steven.

Lars also breathes in and out deeply, squeezing the boy some more.

“Come on,” he whispers, “let’s go inside.”

This time, Steven accepts it, glowing pink and everything.

--

“... I’m sorry,” he sniffs. “I’m sorry I snapped at you like that.”

Lars sighs, but in regret. “I’m sorry, too. For being a jerk to you.”

Neither of them give excuses.

Steven contemplates the night sky from the skyscrapers, aware he can see the butterflies from there. In the meantime, Lars holds him as Steven has no energy left to cling.

“I hate feeling like this,” the younger teen vents, “it just keeps getting worse with time.”

“So you’ve had this before?”

Steven nods. “I-I’ve tried everything to make it better. Garnet taught me and Connie how to deal with our problems, and it worked for Connie… but not for me. And I asked Garnet for help, but instead she just gave me a life lesson and Pearl and Amethyst didn’t even care, and they LEFT ME without ANYTHING!” Steven snaps, only for him to cover his mouth and freeze, scared he might have startled Lars.

Lars, however, doesn’t look scared of him at all.

Instead, sad. Maybe angry, but not at Steven.

“So yeah, I’m expected to do everything on my own, I’m used to it!” Steven continues, more furious. “I looked it up online, since Connie told me about ‘anxiety’, and I did everything they taught me to manage it, but nothing soothes my chest, nothing calms me down… I think I only felt good when you invited me, and I got to see you guys again. I haven’t felt this happy in so long, a-and then OBVIOUSLY, something always has to RUIN it for me.”

He tears up again, his eyes burning pink and red.

“I-I… I got a text from the gems that they’re going to be gone for two months , a-and I couldn’t reach them. Because they’d already left. EVERYONE left. T-They all left me .”

Lars doesn’t say anything, choosing to hug Steven closer, nuzzling his black curls, doing everything to make sure Steven feels loved and cared for.

“Why does everyone leave me?” The half-gem asks.

Except Steven knows why.

He’s selfish. Useless. Clingy.

He doesn’t say any of these things, yet Lars pulls away just slightly with a stern look.

“Steven,” the older teen begins seriously, “listen to me, you don’t deserve to be abandoned, okay? No kid in the world deserves to be abandoned or neglected; they deserve to be reminded every single day that they’re loved in all the ways possible. You didn’t fail anyone by existing. I know everyone out there”– Lars gestures at the above –“made you believe that, but they’re WRONG.”

There’s some kind of ferocity in Lars’ words, the same one Steven heard back when the boys were abducted to Homeworld – firstly when Lars refused to leave the ship without Steven, and then when he convinced Steven to return home instead of sticking with Lars and the Off Colors.

A sense of protection, perhaps.

Steven feels warm inside, which he feels ashamed of for some reason, and at the same time it hurts. Which makes no sense, because it’s the good kind of hurt. What kind of hurt is good?

Still, the glowing boy’s eyes are only filled with more water.

Noticing that, Lars gently wipes some of it for him.

“You don’t have to be useful, Steve,” he says tenderly. “You don’t have to be self-sufficient, you don’t have to be strong all the time. You deserve to have someone, and you deserve to have someone when you feel the whole weight of the galaxy crushing you.”

Steven sniffs, contemplative.

Lars’ words are believable. Steven has always trusted him, and has always thought the world of him. Steven loved Lars from the beginning, embracing every little part of him, the weight that he also carried.

Still… one question keeps haunting Steven every single day, every single night.

“... do you think they would treat my mom like this if I weren’t here?”

Lars immediately tenses, immobile like a doll. Not a corpse, but a doll.

Steven, admittedly, asked that to himself. He knows Lars won’t have the answers. He can’t speak for the gems. It feels cruel to Lars, who’s just trying his best to help a friend in need.

The silence this time is not comforting. Steven fears he ruined everything again.

“Steven?” Lars suddenly sounds… fragile.

When the younger boy looks up, he sees a teary Lars already staring back.

“I love you,” the latter tells him.

The broken way he says it…

“Whenever you feel unloved, whenever you feel alone or whenever the gems fuck off to wherever they go without a trace,”– Steven’s eyes widen at the word choice –“I want you to remember that I love you, and that you’re always welcome here. There’s always food and life here, no emptiness at all. And you can always go see me at Spacetries and we can have a coffee and chat like the old days, or if we can’t see each other in person for any reason, you can call me. I can always teleport, too. I can do literally anything to help you, Steven, and I want to help you, because I love you , okay?”

Lars is cupping his cheeks like they’re precious, wiping Steven’s tears and crying his own. Like Lars is the one crying for him now, feeling his pain for him.

“I’m here for you. I’ll always be here, no matter how, no matter what,” he insists.

Steven is too speechless to react.

He realizes, though…

He stops glowing pink.

And he forgets everything else, with how genuine Lars’ love is.

Steven merely lies down against his friend, who covers him properly with his blanket. Lars caresses the boy’s black hair, in the same way that Steven has always craved for, even if it reminded him of bad memories.

It’s perfect just the way it is. Perfect in every way, just like you.

He doesn’t want Lars to ever stop.

He doesn’t want this to ever be gone.

But Lars won’t leave him. He will make sure Steven never feels anxious or useless on his own again.

And Steven…

“... I love you, too,” he whispers.

Lars tightens his arms around him, this time sniffing. If he cries on Steven’s head, neither of them talk about it.

It stays between them.